#2) i cannot think for too long about miles' hands or I'm going to have a crisis

[drinkingbitterboy]

there were a few jokes that i needed to prove I am not secretly miles kane and the proof is that I have TEENY HANDS

[val-cansalute]

PICKING UP THE ———- PIECES -———

ch. 6

ch. 1 ch. 2 ch.3 ch. 4 ch. 5

don’t be a piece of shit

cw - set in jackson with an unclear timeline, no mentions of joel or jj, kind of half proofread, profanities, depictions of mental illness, graphic situations, CUNNILINGUS 🤰, mdni

Seconds, which blur the line between moments and hours, drag by, yet breaths still come in sharp, ragged gasps.

Your chest still feels heavy, bearing the lingering weight of the memories that overwhelmed you, and the stale, dust-ridden air of your old home still churns maliciously within your rib cage though you’re far from it now. Nothing is proving helpful in satiating your ravenous lungs.

Her hand is already soothing tender circles into your back before you can register it and the violence of your inhale softens.

“Shimmer?” you repeat, words veiled by winded breaths.

“Yeah, that’s right,” like it’s second nature to her, Ellie moves her calloused hand so that it’s splayed across your thumping heart to gently ground you and the room stops spinning so frustratingly.

Your focus shifts to her touch, to the warmth that radiates from her palm.

“It’s kinda fuckin’ impressive you managed to go so long without learning any of their names,” as always, her voice is a quiet rasp, intimate and gentle as a smile plays at her chapped lips.

In contrast, your gaze is intense and, somehow, distant. It makes Ellie’s stomach twist with anxiety.

“Wasn’t planning on staying.”

“… Right. Well, you should probably learn them now.”

You’re back in Jackson – not in your home, but in Ellie’s decrepit hybrid shed, which somehow managed to outdo your actual house by miles.

What your home lacked, hers carried in abundance; warmth and soul, with pictures and posters scattered across the dulled walls and memories laced through the trinkets lining each shelf. It was alive with the force of her affection.

Coming back invited the questioning gaze of the townspeople, but your mind was too tired to pay it any mind, or to pay the fact that she was leading you away from your house any mind either.

“The place you went to... You used to live there? I, uh, saw a carving of your name and your brother’s, I think it was, in the fence. Soren, right?”

“Yeah… Me and Soren…”

“… Listen… Why did you do it? You didn’t wanna be there, I know that much. You were... fucked up, to say the least, when I found you. I don’t understand.”

“I don't know… I don’t want to be safe; I don’t deserve to be safe-”

Your heart beats sporadically at the sudden overbearing guilt inside you, the source of which you can’t trace back to a specific moment, and your breath hitches in your throat so you can't meet her worried eyes. There are so many actions you cannot justify at all, save for the fact that there was a massive remorseful compulsion to do it. For Soren, even though you know, deep down, he’d never have wanted this, you know you did it for him. You’ll never fully be able to explain why, or why you ended up going back with Ellie without argument.

“Hey, I'm here." her soothing voice cuts through the dense anxiousness in the air and, for a moment, the fog clears - the sight of her softened face, so endearing.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Her eyes are so beautiful; it's so easy to forget what you were even thinking about when you dive into them.

"You- fuck- you know that’s stupid, right? Of course you deserve to be safe, y/n, how could you not deserve that?"

You’re a fraud. You had everyone fooled, thinking you had morals, but you can’t let her believe in a falsehood. The words burst out like rust-ridden water from a burst pipe; so explosively that she jerks back slightly, eyebrows knitted in worry.

"Because I’m bad person! You don’t know me, Ellie! I killed him! I fucking beat him to death! I am so fucking disgusting!"

"You-"

"Oh my god, Ellie, he was just a fucking kid! And he was terrified! Terrified of what would happen if he let the infection take over and terrified of hurting me! Fuck, and he begged me to do it before he turned, but I couldn't fucking do it! How could I?! And then I beat him to death as soon as he came for me, because I am a coward, and when it came down to it, all it took was a little scare for me to hurt him so fucking badly... God, Ellie, it didn’t have to be like that; it shouldn’t have fucking been like that but I’m so selfish… He was all I had left… Without him, I’m nothing… But I fucking deserve it. I deserve all the shit that comes my way. And I have to take it. All of it."

Somewhere amidst the fire, she grabs your shoulders and pulls you closer,

"Y/N, no. Deep down, you know that's not true. He was just a kid but -fucking- so were you! You were just a kid, and it's not fair that you had to fend for yourself! It's not fair that you and your brother had to live like this! It's not fair that he got infected, or that anyone did, and it is not your fault that your choice had the consequences it did when you were panicked and desperate and young. It is not your fault it happened the way it did. This world... Nothing about it is fair. Even though I can’t replace him, and I don’t know you as well as him, I care about you and I want to be around you. And I know for a fact that you are not a bad person, and I fucking know that. You are not a bad person. What happened back then was not evil, it was tragic, not evil. You can’t forget it, and you shouldn’t! But your brother would never want you to be stuck in this awful cycle. He would never blame you like this. Shit happens, we do things we regret and life doesn't go the way we plan, we lose people we love, but we move forward. We have to. And you are not alone, not while I’m here, you can never be."

Her words are harsh and sharp, to get through to you, nicking little chips at the edges of your iron-strong resolve. For the first time, you let yourself consider it, and the strength of your guilt’s hold loosens up just a bit.

Through pooling tears that threaten to fall and the lump that sits tight in your throat, you reach out your arms to bury your face into the warmth of her shoulder, and push your shaky, cracking voice out.

“I miss him so much… I can’t stop thing about it… I can’t stop feeling like this…”

Ellie immediately collects your draped body into a fervid hold, trying desperately to cling onto the rare openings you allow her.

“It’s gonna be okay. Just give yourself time. Everything’s gonna be okay, I promise you.”

6 MONTHS LATER

The Tipsy Bison’s doors are held wide open, but great gusts of wind are no match for the laughter, clinking of glasses and constant hum of conversation within.

Somewhere amongst the bundles of life, you are sat at a rickety table beside Ellie, Dina, and Jesse, and are fitting in like a puzzle piece beyond all capabilities of your imagination when you first arrived in Jackson.

Jesse’s eyes held fast to Dina, who’s head was thrown back in a wholehearted cackle over something relatively insignificant. You were all slumped in your chairs with great big grins, flushed faces and strands of hair clinging to your clammy necks, in high spirits.

Your heart feels full. For the first time, you can go out and laugh freely without the intense gaze of your overwhelming guilt or constant, racing thoughts of Soren. Panic attacks lie dormant for longer than you’d ever dreamed of.

Ellie’s gaze reaches you, and the way your heart swells with all-consuming affection is mutual. You can tell from the way she looks at you, all warm and admiring.

For a second, the sight of the people behind her falls away and you are the only people left in the room, in the world. Here, you are with people who care about you, want to be around you. Here, there is a sense of belonging that you hadn't felt in a long time.

After a moment, the pink-tinged apples of her cheeks fatten with a sincere, toothy grin, hazy eyes squinting as they flit down to her glass, and you notice that the number of people here has actually dwindled.

“Oh shit, everyone’s gone, I didn’t even realise.” Dina mumbled, scanning the room. Jesse lazily rose from his chair, stretching as he looked back at her,

“We should probably get going too, huh. I'll see you two tomorrow, then.” He nodded over to both of you before huddling together with Dina and drunkenly walking off.

You look back to Ellie; she’s leaning back in her chair, legs spread in a way that brings on certain feelings, raising her glass to her parted lips and her eyes never leave yours.

You watch her swallow the last traces of whiskey and set the glass down before tilting her head at you with a smirk. You’re both drunk, warm, fuzzy, tingly.

Her eyebrows raise before she gets up and leans over, and whispering,

“C’mon, babe,” into your ear.

As you stroll back, you’re met with the refreshing cool night air and you can’t help but feel a sense of contentment, hand in hand with Ellie, watching her ramble on. Your hushed giggles carry through the empty paths.

When you arrive at Ellie's place, stumbling through the door, you collapse onto her bed. This place has become more of a home than your real home; you’re almost never not spending the night. Among the clusters of trinkets and piles of clothes, your belongings have found a place, as well as the acrylic image of your face amidst her paintings.

Candlelight, the room is bathed in the soft orangey glow, casting shadows that dance and flicker across Ellie’s grinning face. You cling onto her dearly, intertwining your limbs with flushed cheeks and gazing up at her longingly, light and airy.

You settle into a comfortable silence with your bodies pressed against each other while she stares up down at her rough palm as you trace, with gentle and loving touches, the lines engraving it, the weight of the world momentarily forgotten.

She pecks your cheek,

“Are you sleepy?”

You look up at her with a sly smirk,

“No. Are you?”

“Nuh uh, you know what I’m thinking?”

“Oh, I know exactly what you’re thinking?”

You rise from your spot, nestled into her side, taking the hand you were playing with and entwining your fingers as you hover over her. The look on her face is mellow yet excited, her hands already reach out for your waist, already making your body feel hotter.

“You gonna show me, babe?”

She pulls you closer so you dive into the soft crook of her neck, sensitive with trails of tingling skin where you place kisses, desperate to feel the warmth her body emits, desperate for her to feel so incredibly real to you, for her to overwhelm your senses. You’ve never been infatuated quite like this before, never felt quite so comfortable with the love you hold for a person. But with Ellie, it’s simple, easy, comes naturally to you. She’s so many things, but, especially a sanctuary. A sanctuary weathered by the storms of your past but still standing firm.

“Mhmm, I’m gonna show you, Els.”

Ellie’s slumped at the head of her dingy bed.

Her body is bare and her muscles are tensing with each desperate, visceral movement, glowing with a thin sheen of sweat and slick,, as she kneads her fingers into the fat of your ass and meets your lips hungrily.

You hold onto her freckled face, looking down at her fucked out, beautiful eyes. They’re just begging for more after giving it to you for so long, consolidated by the sparkly feeling of her grinding up onto you,

“You’re so hot,”

“Oh, am I?” you mutter, pushing her back against the mattress and watching her eyes widen while chuckling to yourself,

“Wha- Alright, jesus fuck,”

You crawl off her lap with deliberate sexuality, pushing her legs apart abruptly. She clambers up onto her arms but you push her back, watching her tits bounce as she collapses,

“Shut up, El,”

“Oh, I see how it is, you aren’t fucking around anymore. No more mr nice guy, no funny busin-”

“Dude, fucking stop, you just, like, made me un-wet,”

“Oh shit, gotta get serious.”

You smack her thigh gently.

She grins and folds her arms behind her head, her eyes never leaving yours as you lower yourself in front of her pussy. Yours narrow ever so slightly when she grabs the back of your head and pushes it into your mouth, moaning at the contact of your lips with hers.

It gets you warm, placing a kiss filled with genuine love on her puffy clit before borderline making out with her pussy,

The sight of her eyes rolling back as her jaw goes slack has you begging for more, so you run your tongue up from her slit before lapping at it like you’re starved and watching her go cross-eyed from the sheer pleasure.

You can’t help but dip a finger a finger or two into her dripping hole, wanting nothing but to make her feel good, for her to come undone on you, slick smeared over your mouth, nose and chin, dripping lewdly down your palm.

You watch her body convulse, mattress cover clinging to her sweaty back as it arches up off the bed and her legs pull you in graciously.

You rest your head on her thigh and relish in the sight for a moment before she’s looking back into your eyes and urging you to come up so she can hold you, and also to stop breathing onto her clit because her “legs might spasm and strangle you or something,”

You laugh and lay your head down on her naked chest to hear her heart thump within her, in the tender embrace of the arms she holds out for you.

“Els?”

“Hmm?”

“Remind me to take those really fluffy socks I have home with me later. So much stuff is here now, I keep getting annoyed whenever Im actually home for once.”

“Sure, I can do that, if I don’t also forget.”

“Great.”

She lulls your eyes into a soft close with the feeling of her stroking your hair, and as she watches you exist, she realises she’d like to do that for longer. So, she leans into your ear and whispers,

“Hey, babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you just… bring all your stuff to my place, you know, move in with me?”

You raise your head from her chest (she immediately misses the warmth) and meet her eyes, face slowly morphing into an adoring smile which she reflects, before placing a kiss on her forehead and then locking your lips with hers.

PLEASE READ

a/n - last chapterrrrrr ahdgstihaveahugepenisdtyf, banners by cafekitsune and saradika-graphics, my condolences to anyone who has read this bc i kinda hate it but thanks anyways. im not gonna write anything for a while after this (except for this one req thats been sitting in my drafts for an ungodly amount of time) because of the situation in palestine and the upcoming global strikes. i dont want to think abt a game made by a zionist who embedded zionist propaganda into it and donated money to israel most likely earned from the game. upwards of 30,000 palestinians, 11,000 of which were children, have been murdered by israel since october. yeah, for now, it’s only gonna be palestine-related posts. please, please do not buy the remaster, im begging you. its just a remaster, im pretty sure we can all go without it.

[thswrtchdthng]

YOU. give me your jonah magnus headcanons

oh FUCK yes.

let me preface this by saying I could talk about this piece of shit for HOURS. also these range from completely random trivia things to silly to oddly specific. also I may have projected a bit too much but oh well, that's what fictional babygirls are for

- I'm a trans Jonah truther. but also he'd been going exclusively by he/him pretty much his whole life until someone in the middle of an argument called him "it" and he had one of those "wait am I even a person" moments and since then he does not know wtf he is. is he a man? is he a thing? is he a creature? is he a concept? none of the above? all of the avobe? who knows. not even the Eye knows what's going on with that.

- he grew up on the outskirts of Edinburgh, and he has very mixed feelings about it. like on one hand he did not like it and was overjoyed to leave, but on the other that is his home and you will not disrespect it. to this day if anyone talks shit about Edinburgh or Scotland in general he has to stop himself from acting bothered about it.

- I'm sorry but I can smell his daddy/mommy issues from MILES away (he has both).

- he used to be super self-conscious. the "shit they're all staring at me but I need to pretend to be confident and respectable so fuck it" sort of way.

- he was especially insecure about his freckles. he was convinced they made him look like a little kid (which is not true, freckles are gorgeous and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise).

- he's always had a huge staring problem. and he originally had really big eyes so if anyone caught his interest they'd just be doing their thing and then turn around and catch him like 👁️_👁️.

- also he was always that kid that asked too many questions, especially regarding god (another thing I can smell from miles away is the religious trauma).

- he was born on november 13th 1787 (a tuesday the 13th, which in some cultures is believed to be a bad luck day, like friday the 13th) and officially founded the Institute on his 31st birthday (november 13th 1818, a friday the 13th).

- he has a collection of lover's eyes gifted by his many boyfriends acquaintances. he's got them all in a little box at his place and he remembers the exact moment each was gifted to him.

- I'm not going to get into how I imagine the time between when Barnabas got chucked into the Lonely and when he went to get his bones (it would take far too long) but this bitch was Not Having A Good Time. those broken glasses and torn pages Barny mentioned in his last letter? all him baby.

- also after Barnabas died he had a period of a couple weeks where he did not speak. not one word. he looked completely normal otherwise but people did notice. after that he just acted like nothing had happened and pretended to be clueless when people asked him about it.

- speaking of Barnabas's bones, he got a quill made of the bones in the ring finger of his left hand. he never uses it (no occasion is special enough) but he takes it with him any time he leaves the Institute for longer than a day (he couldn't take it with him to jail though :( ).

- speaking of leaving the Institute, he travels surprisingly rarely. it's not that he doesn't like traveling or that he can't afford it, he simply doesn't do it.

- Jonathan Fanshawe's last letter hurt him far more than he expected, and so did Albrecht's death. he thought he wouldn't feel much after Barny's death but that shit hit him.

- his eyesight gets worse every time he gets a new body. as Elias his glasses are so thick it's almost comical.

- he loves fluffy blankets with a PASSION.

-but he despises fluffy sweaters. he cannot wear them.

- he also loves pillows, cushions etc. he has at least 10 in his bed.

- you can't tell me his egotistical ass doesn't spend AT LEAST 2 hours getting ready every day (and 50% of that time he spends just staring at himself, checking that every minute detail is absolutely perfect).

- he's a raging hypochondriac. this man (gender neutral) will sneeze once and he's already thinking about his next body.

- his favorite cake flavour is red velvet. also black forest cake reminds him of Albrecht.

- as much as I like the joke of Jonah being the Lukases communal bootycall, he actually despises most of that family.

- aside from his long list of "acquaintances", he did have a super short fling with Simon Fairchild. Simon still jokes about it to this day and Jonah hates him for it.

- when he's angry or under a lot of stress he'll just stop blinking. like he usually doesn't blink as often as The Average Human, but if he's mad he'll just stop entirely. this started happening after the failed Watcher's Crown, but he didn't notice it until one time Gertrude pointed it out (that was a fun conversation, I might write something about this eventually).

- sometimes he'll forget or just not feel like doing normal bodily functions like eating or sleeping, and when he remembers that he has to in order to, you know, function, he gets so mad about it (why are human bodies so high maintenance and so unreliable at the same time istg).

- he used to be a sacredy cat. not anymore because he can See when people are close to him, but if you were to come up behind him to scare him back in the day he would leap.

- he has an odd fondness for amaranth flowers. I doubt he's a plant person but he likes those a lot (and tbh now that I think about it the mental image of plant mom Jonah makes me very soft. he'd tell the plants his Evil Plans and shit).

this is all I could think of off the top of my head but I'll probably add more as time goes by. I loved finally listing my headcanons for this little fucker so thanks for giving me the chance lol

[disasterousduo]

@type1dragonwolf, Some Incorrect Quotes for our AU

Ruin: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao  Solar : What did you do op?  Ruin: A MISTAKE

Ruin: Whaddya call a fish with no eye? Solar, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons Ruin: Ruin: fsh

Ruin: Here's some advice Solar: I didn't ask for any Ruin: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

Ruin: I'm incredibly fast at math. Solar: Alright, what's 30x17? Ruin: 47 Solar: That's not even close. Ruin: But it was fast.

Solar: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.  Ruin: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.  Earth: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

Solar: Hey Ruin, Ruin: Yes? Solar: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on? Ruin: Ruin: Where’s Moon?

Ruin: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?  Solar: You’re a hazard to society  Lunar: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

Solar: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste Ruin: We got spring water Solar: NO. Sun: with EXTRA minerals Ruin: it's like licking a stalagmite Solar: DON'T COME HOME. Sun: Mmmmm cave water

Ruin: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Solar does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Moon: If Solar were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Solar jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Ruin: You jump off a cliff! Moon: Gladly. Provided Solar did first.

Moon: Solar isn’t answering their phone Ruin: I’ll call Moon: Monty and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi- Solar: Hello?

Ruin: Tonight, one of you will betray us. Solar: Is it me, Ruin? Ruin: No, it’s not you. Sun: Is it me, Ruin? Ruin: It’s not you either. Moon: Is it me, Ruin? Ruin: Ruin, mockingly: Is IT mE Ruin?

Earth: What does 'take out' mean? Lunar: Food. Solar: Dating Sun: Murder Ruin: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

Sun: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Ruin will and will not eat. Lunar: Grass? Yes! Sun: Moss? Yes!! Lunar: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Sun: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Lunar: Worms? Sometimes! Sun: Rocks? Usually nah. Lunar: Twigs? Usually! Sun: Moon’s cooking? Inconclusive! Solar: How did you… test this? Sun: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it. Solar: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. Moon: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Ruin: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Solar: Several traffic violations. Earth: Three counts of resisting arrest. Sun: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Lunar: Also, that’s not our car.

Ruin: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!  Lunar: Tubular AF!  Earth: Mood to the max!  Sun, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.  Solar, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she’s a square.

Ruin: Time for plan G. Eartg: Don’t you mean plan B? Ruin: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Lunar: What about plan D? Ruin: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Sun: What about plan E? Ruin: I’m hoping not to use it. Moon dies in plan E. Solar: I like plan E.

Ruin: Croissants: dropped  Solar: Road: works ahead  Earth: BBQ sauce: on my titties  Sun: Shavacado: fre  Lunar: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead  Moon:  Moon, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Solar, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.  Jack~O~Moon: Hey.  Earth: Hi.  Sun: Hello.  Lunar: Hey!  Solar: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!  Ruin: We were out of Doritos.

Ruin: I CAN'T DO IT! Solar, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER! Ruin: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE Earth: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. Ruin: Ruin: I appreciate it, Ruin: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH- Sun: Ruin- Ruin: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! Lunar: Ruin we gotta- Ruin: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. Ruin: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' Ruin, motioning to Moon: NOT FUCKING THIS

[mariana-oconnor]

The Engineer's Thumb pt 2

Our last entry was particularly gory and followed the lines of 'creepy person offers struggling worker job with pay they cannot afford to refuse and may secretly be a vampire cult leader'.

OK, so I added that last part, that's new, but the skeletal man offering our eponymous Engineer his job had a very undead aesthetic going on, so I'm keeping it.

I'm still not convinced that Mr Hatherley could have survived the trauma and blood loss he experienced long enough to get to Watson, but I was struck the other night, as I was going to bed, by the peculiar thought of what the other passengers on that train must have thought.

In Victorian times, they did still have compartments, so it's possible no one saw him. But in the modern day when you're all stacked in like sardines and he would have been on the commuter train... You're just sitting there, minding your own business, listening to a podcast and trying to ignore the very loud conversation from the two women behind you about how her cousin stole the family dog, entered it in a dog show and accidentally uncovered a drug smuggling ring, then ran off to Ibiza with her mistress -- but not trying too hard because honestly it's more interesting than the podcast, kind of. Anyway, you're minding your own business and you smell... blood.

And there's this guy sitting opposite you looking very pale and kind of sweaty and you've been avoiding making eye contact because he's sort of twitchy and you never make eye contact on British public transport, so instead you look at his hands and... is that a twig? And... a blood stained bandage and... is it just you or does his hand look a weird shape. You should stop staring. Maybe he's just tucking his thumb into his pal- no. No, he doesn't have a thumb. And that's blood and... and he's just sitting on the train with no thumb and fresh blood.

Would it be rude to ask?

It would probably be rude to ask. Like, he probably knows he's missing a thumb and you don't have any medical training and it's none of your business, is it? You should stop staring.

Yeah... honestly not the most disturbing thing I've come across on public transport, but it would be quite the morning.

On to today's email, though.

"Colonel Lysander Stark had said that it was only seven miles, but I should think, from the rate that we seemed to go, and from the time that we took, that it must have been nearer twelve."

Either one of you is about as good at estimating distances as I am, or he's taking the long way round so Mr Hatherley can't find his way back.

"I was aware, more than once when I glanced in his direction, that he was looking at me with great intensity."

This is giving very 'I want to steal your skin and wear you as a suit' energy, or is it just me.

"I tried to look out of the windows to see something of where we were, but they were made of frosted glass"

Was not aware that frosted glass windows were a thing at this point in time. I guess it makes sense as all you really need to do is scratch the surface of the glass a lot, but still. That's interesting.

It's also total overkill. You must come at night, we will take you down the windiest route possible to discombobulate you and we will have frosted windows so you cannot see out and no one can see you inside.

Frosted windows also don't provide any reflections on their frosted side. Not that Colonel Stark is a vampire, of course. I'm not even convinced he's a Colonel.

"We stepped, as it were, right out of the carriage and into the hall, so that I failed to catch the most fleeting glance of the front of the house."

If you look at it the right way, all these precautions are actually kind of reassuring. If you're planning to kill someone, you don't really care if they know where you're doing it. They probably intended to let Mr Hatherley go.

Always look on the bright side of shady nighttime business deals and potential kidnapping attempts.

"I could see that she was pretty, and from the gloss with which the light shone upon her dark dress I knew that it was a rich material. She spoke a few words in a foreign tongue in a tone as though asking a question, and when my companion answered in a gruff monosyllable she gave such a start that the lamp nearly fell from her hand."

And now we're getting some Greek Interpreter shit going on, which explains why I always get those two titles mixed up in my head.

"It was a wonderfully silent house. There was an old clock ticking loudly somewhere in the passage, but otherwise everything was deadly still."

Sounds like hell.

"She held up one shaking finger to warn me to be silent, and she shot a few whispered words of broken English at me, her eyes glancing back, like those of a frightened horse, into the gloom behind her. “‘I would go,’ said she, trying hard, as it seemed to me, to speak calmly; ‘I would go. I should not stay here. There is no good for you to do.’"

Well, I'd be out of there. Honestly, I'd probably be frozen in fright and too scared to try to leave, but I'd want to be out of there. This is about as obvious a red flag as you can get. And she tries 3 times to tell Mr Hatherley to go and he refuses. Trying very hard not to victim blame, but after a certain point of ignoring direct, clear warnings to your life, you have to take some responsibility.

“But I am somewhat headstrong by nature, and the more ready to engage in an affair when there is some obstacle in the way."

...Victor... Victor, Victor. Are you saying that you stayed in the creepy house with the creepy cult-leader not-at-all-undead Colonel because you were feeling contrary?

"I thought of my fifty-guinea fee, of my wearisome journey, and of the unpleasant night which seemed to be before me. Was it all to go for nothing?"

You were feeling contrary and the sunk cost fallacy, got it.

"This woman might, for all I knew, be a monomaniac."

"She listened for an instant, threw up her hands with a despairing gesture, and vanished as suddenly and as noiselessly as she had come."

Girl, same!

"a short thick man with a chinchilla beard growing out of the creases of his double chin"

omg, is there actually a type of beard called a chinchilla beard? Is it fluffy?

The only thing google is giving me is this exact quote and an urban dictionary link, which probably isn't relevant to a 19th century text unless ACD was a time traveller.

So basically he's got a chinchilla tail coming out of his chin? That's how I'm choosing to see it anyway.

“‘I had better put my hat on, I suppose.’ “‘Oh, no, it is in the house.’ “‘What, you dig fuller's-earth in the house?’ “‘No, no. This is only where we compress it. But never mind that."

"There were no carpets and no signs of any furniture above the ground floor, while the plaster was peeling off the walls, and the damp was breaking through in green, unhealthy blotches."

And this is where he lost his thumb? Yeah, no way he's not infected. He's have flu-like symptoms within the hour. Nothing worse than flu-like symptoms. I'm surprised that he didn't get sepsis just from walking through the place. Perhaps the lady is a 'monomaniac' from all the mould spores she's been inhaling. That shit can't be healthy.

“‘We are now,’ said he, ‘actually within the hydraulic press, and it would be a particularly unpleasant thing for us if anyone were to turn it on. The ceiling of this small chamber is really the end of the descending piston, and it comes down with the force of many tons upon this metal floor."'

Hello foreshadowing... postshadowing? Technically this is all a flashback and we know Victor loses his thumb, so I don't know what we call this? A not-so veiled threat?

I'm the opposite of claustrophobic, but there's no way I'm standing in that room.

Is someone going to turn this on intentionally, or is the real villain the OSHA violations we ignored along the way?

"It was obvious at a glance that the story of the fuller's-earth was the merest fabrication..."

“I felt angry at having been tricked by so elaborate a story as that which he had told me. ‘I was admiring your fuller's-earth,’ said I; ‘I think that I should be better able to advise you as to your machine if I knew what the exact purpose was for which it was used.’"

Victor here is standing in the death chamber in front of the murder man saying 'kill me now, please'. Guy has the survival instincts of a giant panda, I swear.

‘Hullo!’ I yelled. ‘Hullo! Colonel! Let me out!’

I'm interested in whether Victor actually thought this would work. His survival instincts have clearly finally kicked in, but they are still sleepy. I get there's not much else he could do, but the man just locked him in the death chamber and flipped the squishing switch, I don't think 'Hullo' is really going to make much of an impact. But if it makes you feel better about this totally avoidable circumstance, Mr Hatherley, then sure. 'Hullo' away.

"Then it flashed through my mind that the pain of my death would depend very much upon the position in which I met it. If I lay on my face the weight would come upon my spine, and I shuddered to think of that dreadful snap. Easier the other way, perhaps; and yet, had I the nerve to lie and look up at that deadly black shadow wavering down upon me?"

Well that's... a thought process. Totally horrifying. 10/10 for shudder inducing.

Mr Hatherley is clearly a very practical man, but at the same time lacks any common sense whatsoever.

"It was the same good friend whose warning I had so foolishly rejected."

This woman is the most patient person ever, and she doesn't even have a name at this point - unless I missed it.

"I clambered out upon the sill, but I hesitated to jump until I should have heard what passed between my saviour and the ruffian who pursued me. If she were ill-used, then at any risks I was determined to go back to her assistance."

Very heroic. Very dumb. Woman's got at least ten times the brains you have and she's survived this long. Admittedly her problem is entirely your fault, but she's risking her life to get you the fuck out. So...get the fuck out.

“‘Fritz! Fritz!’ she cried in English, ‘remember your promise after the last time. You said it should not be again. He will be silent! Oh, he will be silent!’"

The German guy is called Fritz? How unexpected.

And apparently he's a serial person squisher, so that's a thing.

“‘You are mad, Elise!’ he shouted, struggling to break away from her. ‘You will be the ruin of us.'"

Elise, nice to properly meet you. You are the MVP of this story, although you are probably also involved in the criminal undertakings. Sorry Victor was such an idiot. You tried.

"I endeavoured to tie my handkerchief round it, but there came a sudden buzzing in my ears, and next moment I fell in a dead faint among the rose-bushes."

Oh, and his open, bleeding wound fell into the dirt. He is so infected. Victor Hatherley is a dead man walking. No way he survives this.

I've found a paper that states in the 1850s the mortality rate for medical amputations was 45%, with the main cause of death being sepsis. This story is a little later on, not a major limb and, honestly, probably cleaner than a medical amputation at the time (from what I know, Victorian era surgeons weren't big fans of cleaning their equipment or themselves between patients) but even if he doesn't die, that wound is not clean and there's been no cauterisation of the wound and surgeons were at least quick.

"But to my astonishment, when I came to look round me, neither house nor garden were to be seen."

Ghost house! Spooky! I don't think I ever realised before how much ACD leant into the influence of Gothic literature in his works. But he's pulling out all the old favourites.

"I had been lying in an angle of the hedge close by the highroad, and just a little lower down was a long building, which proved, upon my approaching it, to be the very station at which I had arrived upon the previous night."

And we have the answer of why the horse wasn't tired when he arrived at the station - because it had only come from next door - and why so much secrecy in preventing him from seeing where he was going - because he was only going next door.

"The same porter was on duty, I found, as had been there when I arrived. I inquired of him whether he had ever heard of Colonel Lysander Stark. The name was strange to him."

You literally know that's a fake name. His name is Fritz. Of course the porter hasn't heard of Colonel Fakename McPseudonym. He probably has a totally different identity he uses locally.

"There was one about three miles off." “It was too far for me to go, weak and ill as I was. I determined to wait until I got back to town before telling my story to the police."

3 miles is too far, but he can totally wait for a train and sit on it, then walk when he's in London. I mean, Victor, you have no thumb, that's pretty good evidence that you need assistance, I'm sure someone would fetch a police officer for you. I'm surprised they haven't already. How many city folk do they get turning up at stupid o'clock in the morning covered in blood and clearly very confused?

You know... I heard that as I was typing it and you're right. That probably is just an average Tuesday. Victorian equivalent of a stag do. Is it really a party if someone doesn't lose a thumb?

"I put the case into your hands and shall do exactly what you advise.”

I personally advise an immediate course of broad spectrum antibiotics, but given that they won't be discovered until the next century, I guess you're shit out of luck. Dip the whole hand in brandy and hope for the best.

Brandy! It cures everything! Unless you die!

I still don't know what Fritz and the chinchilla are up to. Seems like maybe it isn't a land-selling scam after all. But apparently he has been murdering random people, so that's concerning. The problem comes down to the fact I don't really know what hydraulic presses would be used for? Making coins? Is this a forgery business? That lines up with the 'crust of metallic deposit' Victor found in it.

So I'm going to go with that for now, coin forgery. Though why they are German, I don't know. Maybe just because it would add to the Gothic horror vibes if they had accents. Maybe they're working specifically to destabilise the British economy. Or maybe it's not related at all.

[memento-morri-writes]

"How cuddleable are your OCs" tag

I was tagged by @forthesanityofstorytellers Thank you!!! (as a side note, I know I've missed dozens of tags now, but I've been really struggling to find the energy for writing so my presence on this blog has been few and far between. I appreciate all the tags you guys send my way, even if I don't have the time or energy to reblog them or do them myself. <3)

Rules: Rate your OCs cuddleable-ness on a scale of 1-10 and provide some context.

Fallon - 9/10 While she hasn't gotten much physical touch in several years, she does very much enjoy cuddling with the people she cares about. She Would gladly curl up next to someone in bed or on a couch and just spend time with them, be that talking or just sharing each other's space. She's a good cuddler, too. Likes to rest her head on your stomach/chest and fall asleep there. Will be the big or little spoon as needed. Gives good hugs. Loses a point for being a blanket hog sometimes.

Kristopher - 7/10 He's not really used to casual (non-sexual) physical intimacy, so he'd probably be a little awkward about it at first. But if he felt comfortable with the person, he would actually really really really enjoy it. (My boy is so fucking touch starved for casual intimacy.) After a while waking up in the morning cuddling with Fallon is one of his favorite parts of the day. Every so often it hits him hard that "wow, I really am happy here, and I really do have someone who loves me." After a while he'd get pretty good at giving hugs, though. Likes to run his fingers through Fallon's hair while they cuddle. It calms him down. Loses points for initial awkwardness and his general unawareness of what to do with his limbs while cuddling. (Part of the reason he started doing the hair thing to begin with was to stop his hands from fidgeting awkwardly/give his mind and body something to do other than just sit there.)

Theo - 5/10 Theo is largely not a huge fan of physical touch, unless they are very very comfortable with the person and it is 100% on their terms. Most of the time they would prefer means of showing affection that don't involve any physical contact at all. But when they are in the mood for touch, they can be very clingy. They want to be hugged very tightly and for a very long time. But even then they can be rather fidgety at times, making it hard to get settled into a cuddle.

Rook - 2/10 My most beloved boy has a very negative relationship with physical touch. In fact, he cannot remember the last time he was hugged. (He's not entirely sure he ever was hugged.) Most, if not all, of his full-body contact has occurred either in combat (negative) or when he was unconscious, severely injured, or otherwise incapacitated. So his initial reaction to physical touch is usually to flinch and pull away from it. But if someone fully hugged him, he would freeze in place, standing stock still in a very awkward way. He doesn't know how to react to casual positive physical contact even in small doses such as a shoulder pat, let alone a full-on hug. I think a hug would literally make his brain short-circuit. After repeated exposure he might eventually start to relax a little bit, though the initial flinch reaction would still be present. At any point that he was being hugged by someone, his mind would be racing 500 miles a minute, and it would probably take months, if not years for him to be able to truly relax (physically and mentally) in a hug/cuddle. And even then I'm not sure it would ever truly be a comfortable experience for him. (Can you tell I've spent a lot of time thinking about his relationship with physical touch?)

(If you're wondering if Rook's touch starved, he is but starved but as in "I've never eaten anything pleasant in my life and I didn't even know eating could be enjoyable" kind of way. In an "Even the thought of eating makes me feel sicker than I do going without it" kind of way. Meanwhile Kris is touch-starved in a "I'd been eating, but not enjoying it" kind of way. In a "I just had my first taste of something sweet and I want to eat it every day for the rest of my life" kind of way.)

[etsuven]

rating: angst to fluff word count: 4.8k (i got carried away and all of a sudden it was 4k words long what happened my previous max was like 2.5k-) cw: death, slight mentions of blood includes: god! reader, reincarnation au, college au, mild cursing, reader is implied to be shorter than zhongli, the two of you are a bit awkward at first but honestly it's cute <3, childe has a few appearances, mentions of childe and his real name (it's used a lot because i don't see 'childe' being used a lot in a modern au), lowkey wingman childe, fischl and barbara make an appearance, reader is described as pretty. summary: amidst the screams of gods under the night sky, you make a wish...

note: the summary was originally supposed to be a gradient but everything kept going wrong with it, like having the colors merge with the words before it, and i got annoyed and deleted it so if you notice some spelling mistakes i LITERALLY cannot edit them out or else everything will fall apart as im writing this part it's 3:19 AM on 10/31. but anyways i started writing at like, 6:30 AM on 10/30 and when i properly finished it it was around... 2:00 AM? i got a bit carried away, i had to make this good! anyways enjoy-

screams rang through the night air, but they were only background noise to the throbbing that seemed to echo throughout your body. your vision was blurring more and more by the second, and you could feel your thoughts fading away.

you attempted to inhale deeply, but the pain in your chest kept you from doing so. 'where was zhongli?' you thought, looking around. you tried to keep your mind away from the battlefield around you, but it was hard, especially considering that it was probably the only thing you could see for miles.

a sharp intake of breath caught your attention, and you quickly looked to your left, still alert even though you could slowly feel the life leaving you. you could see the figure of your lover crawling towards you, and you managed to reach out a bloody hand towards him.

he took your hand in his, kissing the back of it before pulling you towards him. weakly wrapping your arms around him, you inhaled his scent. the smell of his expensive cologne lingered on him, but there was also the familiar smell of the battlefield on his clothes.

"i'm so tired, 'li..." you whispered. your lover took in a shaky breath, and you tried not to think about the faint beating of his heart in your ear. he was clearly having trouble, perhaps this battle was too much for him. too much for the both of you.

zhongli pressed his lips against your head. "i know, darling." he adjusted your body in his arms, resting his back against one of the only trees that were still standing. "you did your best, i'm proud of you."

you let out a little hum, your eyes closing for a split second until you forced them open. the two of you sat in silence, and you found your gaze trailing to the stars above. "hey, do you think we'll fall in love again?"

your lover took no time to nod, his eyes also going towards to the sky. "of course we will-" his sentence was cut off by a cough, and you looked at him worriedly. you hadn't had the time to look at his face since he found you, meaning that you hadn't yet gotten a glimpse of all of the cuts on his face.

his gaze fell down to your face, and he found himself smiling. even now, you were still gorgeous. "i'd fall in love with you a million times over if i had the chance to..." your hand reached towards his jaw, and you used all of your energy to press your lips against his cheek.

a long exhale left your lips. it was getting harder to stay awake now. "let's do that then. let's fall in love a million times over, just like you said..." zhongli chucked, trying his best to ignore how quiet your voice was getting.

"okay. i love you... so much." he looked down at your form, watching as you responded faintly before your eyes closed. he glanced at the sky, pleading silently that your shared wish would come true. the stars twinkled above the two of you, and it was almost as if they were giving him permission to join them.

one seemed to shine brighter than the others. perhaps it was you?

his body was aching. maybe it was time for him to go, too... he took one last look at your body, using more strength than usual to lift his hand up and brush his fingers through your hair. his eyes slid shut, eyebrows furrowing at the effort he took to do such a simple task.

the feeling of the tree against his back faded away, and his breathing began to slow. the only thing on his mind was you- you and your smile, your laugh, everything about you. and unbeknownst to him, the sky seemed to gain another brightly shining star, right next to the first one- just as he let out his final breath...

-

you took in a deep breath. college was hard. opening the door to the library, you walked in, going to your preferred section. you placed a few insignificant things down at a table, secretly hoping that no one would come by and take them. your more expensive things were in your backpack, so you weren't too worried. but you had chosen a spot close to the section of books you needed for your essay, so your worried were quickly quelled.

once everything was situated, you went to the shelves, quickly scanning through until you found the section you needed. you seem to have needed a specific book for the essay, as an upperclassman had recommended it to you. after a minute or two of looking, you still couldn't seem to find it. perhaps it was on the other side? you were on the right track alphabetically...

you turned to go to the other side, but you were quickly distracted by the absolute hunk of a man standing on the other end.

he was very tall, and he had a certain air to him that practically screamed royalty. he had very long chocolate brown hair that was put in a ponytail, and the color went quiet well with the tan of his slightly oversized sweater.

the circle rimmed glasses sat nicely on his nose, complementing the sharpness of his jawline and the content on his face as he looked through the books. all in all, he was really cute.

"he's single, y'know~" a voice whispered near you, and you had to cover your mouth in order to keep a yelp from escaping into the quiet of the library. an equally as tall man walked by you, though this one had bright ginger hair. he took a quick glance at you, a teasing smile on his face as he walked over to the cute guy.

'well shit.' you felt your face heat up in embarrassment. 'you've been caught.' you turned on your heels, trying to ignore the burning feeling in your cheeks. you were trying to find a book, not stare at a random guy in the library! who did you think you were?

you sat down at your table, silently groaning in exasperation. you hadn't even gotten the book yet! taking a quick glance around the area around you, you noticed the two men walking out of the section you were just in.

taking your chance, you got up, speed walking over to the area and finding the book you so desperately needed. as you walked back to your table, you locked gazes with the ginger- almost orange haired man, trying to ignore the knowing look in his blue eyes. the brown haired man started to turn around, and you quickly looked away, heading back to your seat.

"what are you looking at, ajax?" zhongli looked behind him in confusion. the only thing really behind him was a fellow student walking by with a book clutched in their arms. his gaze followed them for a few seconds, and he found it quite hard to tear his eyes away.

"oh, i dunno... what are you looking at?" zhongli finally turned around, noticing the familiar teasing look in his childhood friends' eyes. with a roll of his own, he went back to the book he had just picked up. "nothing, i was just looking where you were."

ajax- or childe as known by others, chuckled quietly, thinking back to the person he had caught staring at his childhood friend. you looked like a deer in headlights, enamored by the sight of the young man. and judging by how zhongli's eyes had followed you as you walked by, he seemed to feel the same way.

zhongli hadn't dated anyone his whole entire life, always claiming that he wanted to wait for the perfect person. even though he only seemed to care about his studies to the average person, he was quite sweet, and he even had a romantic side to him.

don't tell anyone, but ajax had even caught his friend reading a few romantic books in his free time.

"you were staring at that person walking by, weren't you?" he asked, the teasing tone still in his voice. zhongli groaned, trying to ignore his friend as he went back to his book. maybe he was staring at you, but admitting it to ajax would be like signing his own death certificate.

-

you spotted the library man a few times in the next few days. walking across campus, in the dining hall with the rich kids (of course he would be friends with those such as ningguang, diluc, and ayato.), and of course, in the library. you even swore that you had seen him in your dreams, even way before you had seen him for the first time.

for as long as you could remember, you had been having these dreams.

it was weird, honestly, and sometimes you couldn't tell if you recognized the person materialized by your brain. you often dreamt of someone similar to the mystery library man, someone who also had an aura of power and knowledge that you could sense from a mile away.

the dreams were often blurry, and half of the time you couldn't even see what you were looking at. visions of midday hangouts, nights in the city during a noticeably orange and blue toned festival, and stories being told by that man raced through your mind. you had always found them quite interesting, even before you knew what the strange man was talking about.

they weren't always nice dreams, though.

you had bad ones too, nightmares of a bloody battlefield, fighting for your life and eventually losing... you were in the embrace of another, presumably the same person that you seemed to dream of since you were a child.

"perhaps you've seen him around campus before that day, and your brain just put him in your head?" the soft voice of your underclassman- barbara, spoke up. she twirled an ash blonde pigtail around her fingers, looking up at you from her paper. "they say that the people in your dreams are people you've seen in your daily life."

you sighed, resting your face in your hands. "i swear i've never seen him before- i would have remembered someone as good looking as him!" you locked eyes with fischl, another underclassman. she was studying theatre, and you honestly couldn't think of a better major for her.

"well, maybe he's your soulmate! all of those dreams seem to be too vivid, and..." the sound of her voice went in one ear and out the other as you started to think. soulmates sounded nice, sure, but you were certain they weren't real. of course you had seen couples who seemed to be made for each other, but maybe they had just gotten lucky.

or perhaps you were just bitter that you never seemed to be able to find a lover.

"anyways, guys, i have to go back to the library." you spoke, and the girls let out noises of disappointment. fischl even stopped her speech for a bit. barbara placed her pencil down, a confused look on her face.

"can't you look online for what you need?" a knowing look was on her face, and you found yourself looking away. clearly she was starting to figure out why you liked going to the library so much. fischl had the same look on her face, and you could already see them gossiping about you when you left. "no, i uh- it's not online... i'll see you later though, bye!' and with a quick wave, you were off.

you entered the library a few minutes later, already subconsciously starting to look for the mystery man. strangely enough, even though you had seen him around more times than you could count, you hadn't even spoken to him once. more strangely, the mystery man wasn't there.

you let out a disappointed sigh, heading to your usual table. going through the now memorized routine of placing your stuff down, you walked to the section you needed your book from. this time the book seemed to be way out of reach. you stood on your tiptoes, trying your best to reach the item.

"ah, allow me to get that for you." a deep voice reached your ears, and you found yourself looking over in surprise. the man you had been seeing everywhere for days was right in front of you! normally you would be scared if some random guy invaded your personal space, but the mystery man seemed to have a certain sense of... familiarity around him.

you looked up at the young man, trying to hide how you were checking him out. he was definitely prettier up close. "is this the book you wanted?" his voice was also deeper than you expected. you nodded quickly, shyness suddenly creeping up on you.

you let out a small thanks, about to walk away before his voice stopped you. he had told you to wait. you looked at him in confusion, feeling your heart speed up. it was so weird, you had never properly met him before, yet it felt like you'd known him forever. perhaps it was just the similar figure in your dreams messing with your head.

you watched as he turned around, and you quickly noticed that the tips of his ears were slightly red. maybe he was as nervous as you? you followed his line of sight, noticing the same ginger man from a few days ago looking at the mystery man with a quite dumb smile and a thumbs up.

the tall man looked back at you, and- wow, his eyes were so pretty. they were an amber color, almost gold. it was a color you had never seen on anyone before.

"so... what do you need the book for?" he asked. you could see him tense up a bit, almost as if he didn't want to say what he said. you looked over at your spot, pointing over in the direction of your stuff. "i have a paper due in a few days, i was told that this book was one that could help me with research."

the two of you chatted about your majors, and you found out that he was a history major studying business on the side. clearly he was very smart, but the workload must have been insane. he claimed he was fine with it though, even stating that it was quite easy considering that he had a fondness for those types of things.

he offered to help you with your paper, and even though you initially declined- you didn't want to burden him- he insisted, leaving you to lead him to your table. unbeknownst to you, there was a man on the sidelines cheering the two of you on.

-

"goodness, it's getting quite late..." a quick glance at your phone alerted you to the time. the sun was starting to set, and golden light was streaming through the windows in the library. clearly you had gotten carried away, but you had also finished your paper! due to you looking at your phone, you just managed to miss the flash of disappointment on the mystery man's face, now known as 'zhongli.'

"my, you're right." he stood up, brushing invisible dust off his pristine clothes. he picked up a few of your things, handing them to you politely as you gathered everything together. you felt your heart sinking as you placed your things in your bag, starting your walk to the entrance of the library with the mystery man.

what if you never had the courage to speak to him again? he was wonderful, and you didn't know if you could take not being able to speak to him again. he seemed quite shy as well, perhaps even awkward at times, especially in the beginning of your conversation. that only meant a lower chance of ever speaking to him again.

suddenly, an idea popped up in your head as you made it outside. it would be perfectly fine if he rejected you, after all- you fully believed that you'd never see him again after this. and so...

"um... can i give you my number?" you blurted out, a slight shakiness in your voice. you watched zhongli's eyes widen in surprise, and if you looked close enough, you could even see a faint coloration of his cheeks. was he embarrassed? did you do something wrong? was there-

"yes- yes, of course!" he seemed flustered as he took out his phone, unlocking it and handing it to you with shaky hands. you took the item out of his hand (the new model? wasn't this super expensive?), inserting your number and name into the phone before reading over it twice and handing it out to him.

zhongli pressed the corner of the screen to save the number, pressing the power button soon after and placing the device into his pocket. adjusting your backpack and jacket, you failed to notice his eyes lingering on your figure. the light from the sunset fell onto you perfectly, encasing you in a sort of heavenly glow that had his heart skipping a few beats. he had never felt this way before, so why...

"i live a bit away from here, so i'll get going now before the sun sets." he began to rock nervously on the balls of his feet, hoping that you didn't hear the slight stutter in his voice. you nodded quickly, and the zipper of your jacket made a cute jingle as it collided with the metal part of the garment.

"okay! um, stay safe!" you gave him a wave, speed walking away towards... wherever you needed to go. zhongli sighed, a tightness in his chest as he watched you leave. suddenly, a hand slapped onto his shoulder, causing him to almost yelp in surprise.

ajax was standing next to him, a wide smile on his face as he started leading his friend towards their shared apartment. "so..." he dragged on, looking at his friend expectantly. zhongli shrugged, trying his best to fight down the blush that was threatening to form on his cheeks.

"they uh... gave me their number." zhongli watched out of the corner of his eyes as his friends jaw dropped, sighing deeply at his friends' dramatics. ajax patted his back, looking up at the now darkening sky above their college. "you'd better actually do something with that."

-

you entered the hallway to your dorm, sighing deeply at how tired you suddenly were. you thought back to you giving zhongli your number, your face heating up at how quickly you left. you couldn't even say a proper goodbye? how rude-

a ding interrupted your thoughts, and it took you a few seconds to realize it was coming from your phone. you took it out of your pocket, quickly looking at the screen only to have your jaw drop in shock.

(___)-___-____ would you like to hang out sometime? -zhongli.

-

"you're smitten, dude." zhongli looked at ajax in disbelief, wondering why he would assume such an absurd thing. the two of you had just properly met, and even though he had been seeing you around campus for a while now, it was way too soon to consider him being in love.

he leaned his back against the couch, looking at the ceiling above him. the two of them were in their shared apartment, one that ajax mainly paid for considering that he had more money than he could imagine. since they were upperclassman, it was naturally harder for them to find dorms to stay in. not that they'd want to do that, anyways.

"there's no way. we just met each other, that's not enough time for anything to form." zhongli looked forward again, grabbing at the teacup resting on the coffee table in front of him. ajax sat on the other side of the couch, only to lean back and rest his feet on the table much to his roommates dismay.

zhongli sighed softly, swirling his tea around in his cup. it was weird, the way he felt for you. he'd never felt this way about anyone before and honestly... he was scared. ajax looked at his friend with concern, wondering if he really was okay.

"it was a joke, i promise..." and it really was. he just wanted to rile the young man up a bit, as well as get the pretty person who was unabashedly staring at his friend a chance with him. he was about to speak again when zhongli began to speak before him.

"have you ever met someone... only to feel like you've known them forever?" he continued to stare into his teacup, almost lost in the sight of himself in the liquid. ajax began to ponder the question. he would say that about zhongli, but the man didn't even like him that much when they were younger.

he took a long sip at his tea, inhaling the aroma after he was done. "that's how i feel. it's weird but... also nice?" zhongli watched as ajax hummed along, as if pondering his statement. what he didn't know was that his words had only cemented what was originally a 'joke' in his friends' head.

'he was definitely smitten.'

-

you and zhongli began to hang out more over the following weeks, getting used to each other's personalities and habits. you studied together, ate lunch together, and you finally introduced him to your friends! at this point, you could call him a friend of your own. but lately you seemed to have started thinking of him in a more than friends kind of way.

even though you were already feeling these things way before you had properly met him- nervousness around him, your heart skipping a bit whenever he did or said certain things, that sense of familiarity that never seemed to fade away- you were sure that they would go away eventually.

but they never did. in fact, they only got worse.

zhongli began to feel the same way, and ajax used that as an opportunity to both encourage him and tease him. encouraging as he's the one who helps him gather the courage to ask you to hang out more, and teasing when ajax makes fun of how flustered he gets around you.

while zhongli tries his best to ignore his friends' recent bout of teasing, he takes note of the meteor shower that was said to happen later in the week. although he didn't want to dedicate time to something that probably wasn't even guaranteed to happen, he understood that it was still an opportunity to hang out with you.

shooting you a quick text about the event, he shut off his phone, acting nonchalant as he waited for you to answer. the phone dinged right away, the screen lighting up to your message.

(y/n) <3 of course i'll come! should i bring some snacks?

he smiled at the text, answering back before cutting off the phone once more. trying to avoid the look he knew ajax was giving him, he spoke up. "i'll be gone late friday night." he could see the ginger trying to hold in a laugh.

"going to go hang out with your lover?" zhongli stood up, phone in hand as he walked to his room. he inhaled deeply, trying to quell the pounding of his heart in his chest. "they're not my lover, ajax!"

"not yet!"

-

friday night was finally here. you had just taken a quick shower to freshen up, and you were now trying to find an outfit to wear for your little outing. date? you didn't even know what to call it at this point. your roommate helped you a little bit, picking out a few items that they had felt fit the overall vibe.

the outfit was cute, and it was even paired with a sweater incase it got cold. you left your dorm a few minutes after, heading to the meeting spot you and zhongli had agreed on around two days prior.

like usual, he was there earlier than the agreed time, waiting for you with a blanket in hand. you called out to him, waving excitedly as you watched him smile at the sight of you. "hey, 'li!" even though you had already seen him earlier in the day with a few friends, it felt different when it was just the two of you.

"shall we go? from what i heard, it should be starting soon." you nodded at his words, letting him lead you to where you were going to sit for the next few hours. there were a few people out tonight, probably because a meteor shower definitely wasn't an event to miss.

zhongli placed the blanket down once the two of you had found a suitable spot with barely anyone nearby, and you quickly spread the snacks around before sitting down. the young man wasn't really a snacking type, but it seemed that you had brought along a few things he liked this time. had you done it on purpose? no, no- it was probably a coincidence.

though, instead of opening the snacks, you seemed to be occupied with fiddling at the hem of your sweater. zhongli looked forward to look at you, concerned by your sudden change in attitude. "is everything okay, (y/n)?" he asked, his voice quiet. you made eye contact with him, and he noticed how you seemed so similar to the person he had met all those weeks ago.

you took in a deep breath, and he watched as your shoulders rose and fell with the action. "sorry if this is sudden, but... what if i told you i liked you?" zhongli felt his heart both stop and skip a beat.

you... liked him?

you continued speaking, almost as if you were trying to block off any potential interruption from him. you spoke of the moment you saw him, and how you felt that fateful day (even speaking of 'the ginger guy who told you that zhongli was single.')

he weakly called out your name, half wanting to tell you his own feelings and half wanting to hear all of the reasons why you liked him. you didn't seem to hear him though. clearly that fischl girl you had introduced him to had rubbed off on you. after a few more tries, he realized that he had to quickly had to think of a way to interrupt you.

you continued to babble on, barely noticing the warm hand on your cheek or zhongli's steadily nearing face until it was too late. his lips connected with yours, and for a split second, your mind went blank. the only thing you could think about were his lips on yours and how it felt like a long, long overdue kiss. it was almost as if you had been waiting for this kiss for longer than you had been alive...

he pulled away a few seconds later, forehead resting against yours as he tried to regulate his breathing. his forehead was warm, and you could even see his flushed cheeks through the darkness of the night. "i like you too..." he whispered, uncharacteristically shy and quiet. you were so used to hearing him talk about what he loved, so to see him like this?...

a sound of excitement from a nearby woman caught your attention, and the two of you looked up to see that the meteor shower had finally started. you stared at the sky in awe, watching the little streaks of light fall down.

suddenly, you felt something brush against your hand, causing you to jump in surprise. you looked down, noticing how zhongli's fingers seemed to be creeping closer and closer to yours. feeling a bit bold, you grabbed at his hand, only to smile shyly when you felt him squeeze at yours.

looking up at the stars in the sky, you noticed quickly that there were two particular ones sitting next to each other that seemed to shine brighter than the rest. you pointed up at them, wanting your new boyfriend to look as well. "that's weird, those two stars are super bright compared to the rest.

zhongli let out a hum, trying to come up with a reason as to why. "perhaps it's us?" he said, glancing at you with a sort of mischievous look in his eyes. he brought your hand up to his lips, kissing it in a way that felt all too familiar.

you shoved at his shoulder with your free hand, complaining lightly . it wasn't enough to hurt him, but it was enough to make him chuckle a bit. squeezing at his hand a bit more, you looked towards the sky and at those two brightly stars. maybe zhongli was right…

maybe they were the two of you…

[vacant--body]

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Su!c!de attempt, graphic description of bl00d, mentions of death, medical procedure talk, loss of pregnancy, PTSD, lots and lots of angst, mentions of drinking.

Female!reader, love triangle with Steve and Bucky (kinda?)

Word count: roughly 2,076

Please don't read if any of these warnings will trigger you :)

I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME

✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿

Bucky's eyes snapped open, his advanced hearing honing in on the soft wails coming from down the hall. It was you, it always you. He inhaled sharply and pushed himself out of his warm bed, his dog tags clinking against his bare chest. It gets worse when Steve isn't here; your night terrors. He's the only one that can rock you back to sleep, soothing your tear stained cheeks and calming your raging mind. Bucky isn't very good at it, but he can get the job done.

His door slid open and he walked quietly down the hallway, careful not to wake anybody else up. Tony had to semi soundproof your room. When you first came to live in the compound, your screams would keep everyone up all night. Now only Bucky and Steve could hear your cries, which often made for sleepless nights. But lately it’s been getting better, which he was thankful for. Both for your sake and his sake.

Bucky stopped in front of your door, expecting it to just slide open like it normally does. But it didn't. Confused, he waved his hand in front of the sensor but it didn't budge. "Friday?" He yawned, annoyed. What couldn't Tony just put in normal doors? They're so much simpler. "What's wrong with the door?"

"It seems that Ms. Y/L/N has locked it." Strange. You never lock it.

"Well, unlock it." He snapped back at the AI.

"I cannot. She has over-ridden my capabilities to unlock it."

"What?" Bucky asked, suddenly more awake. The hairs on his arms stood up and a gut wrenching feeling began to churn in his stomach. He could hear you on the other side, still crying. "Y/N!" Bucky yelled pounding on the door. The cries grew harder. "Y/N open the door!"

"Go away!" You screamed. "Just go!" This wasn't a night terror, you were awake. “I don’t need you, Bucky!”

"Friday, get Tony down here." Bucky yelled, pounding on the door again. "Y/N please just open the door! Let me help!"

"Don't need your help." There was the sound of the bathtub starting up. "Just go."

"Bucky,” A tired voice groaned from behind him. Sam. "It's 2:30 in the morning, why in the hell are you screaming."

"Y/N locked us out." He muttered, pressing his ear against the door. He could hear you whimpering on the other side. "Friday can't open it."

"Friday, get Tony-"

"He is on his way." She replied back. "Ms. Y/N also disabled her cameras. I can't see inside there either."

"Y/N!" Bucky tried again, his voice cracking just enough for him to notice. Hopefully not enough for Sam to notice.

"Does someone wanna tell me why I am down here in the middle of the god damn night?" Another voice said behind them.

"Just get the fucking door open." Bucky snarled. Tony took note of the worry and urgency in his voice and unlatched a panel that was next to the door. He moved some wires around and the door hissed open.

Bucky rushed in and the state of your room hit him like a truck. It was a wreak. Your mattress was halfway off of its frame, your dresser was knocked over with all the clothes torn out, and there was a smashed chair in the corner. You had also punched out your mirror, making Bucky's footsteps crunch as he walked through her room. How did he not hear this? Why didn't he wake up? But that's not what bothered Bucky. His nose instantly picked up on a coppery smell that stung the inside of his nostrils, making him instantly nauseous. He pushed into the bathroom, where somehow the cupboard was shoved in front of.

The sight before him was enough to make him cry and vomit at the same time. You were submerged in the bathtub, the water stained a bright red color. A long shard of glass from the mirror was laying on the floor, stained with your crimson blood. Two deep long cuts had been carved into your forearms. The ringing in his ears slowly subsided and he heard the sound of either Tony or Sam dry heaving behind him. He wasn't sure who it was.

"Friday, prep medical bay. Get Banners ass up. Now." He heard Tony growl.

Bucky sunk to his knees, his sweatpants become stained with the blood soaked water that had sloshed over the edge. "Y/N." He muttered. She was pale. Too pale. "Y/N!" He yelled grabbing her by the shoulders. “Open your fucking eyes and look at me!" You didn't open her eyes, the only movement was coming from your chest. You were taking quick short breaths, which Bucky figured wasn't good. "Please don't do this to me, please. I need you, fuck-" He choked back a sob.

"Buck, we have to get her down to-" Before Sam could finish his sentence, Bucky was lifting you out of the water and took off towards the med bay.

Banner was already down there, a suturing kit already laid out. "How much blood has she lost?" He asked immediately as soon as Bucky came barreling through the doorway.

"A lot." Was all he could manage. He carefully laid you down on the cot. His thoughts were going a mile a minute. You were supposed to be getting better. Sam and Banner were supposed to be helping you, the therapy was supposed to be helping. Not killing you. Why wasn’t it helping? Why were you so selfish? How could you do that to us? To me, to Steve. To this whole team?

"Well good thing most of the team is A Positive so we have some on standby for her." Banner said. Bucky wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself.

Banner flushed out your wounds with what looked like water, and carefully began to stitch you up. Bucky noticed the slight shaking in his wrist and he pulled your skin together.

"Where is Steve?" Bucky whispered to Tony, not taking his eyes off of Y/N and Banner. For once, you looked like you were at peace. Your features were smoothed and relaxed, nothing like your previous state.

"His teams on their way back. ETA 4 hours." Tony whispered back.

A heavy silence fell over the med bay. Bucky felt drained. He couldn't keep his thought straight in his head, and it was numbing. He just kept asking the same thing. Why? You were doing so good. You were laughing, smiling, and actually making progress to talk to people outside your comfort zone. Of course you were still having night terrors, Sam said those wouldn't go away for a long time. But other than that you were fine. You said you were fine. He couldn't understand why.

Banner was done with one side. He moved over to the other and began to repeat the process, but one of the machines she was hooked up to began beeping rapidly. His head snapped up and his brows furrowed.

"Friday do a full body scan please." He grunted.

"What? What's wrong?" Bucky pleaded, his skin tightening and his stomach doing loops.

"Blood pressure is dropping. Not good." Was all he heard over the several machines firing at once.

"There is hemorrhaging. Location: uterus." Friday said back. "Surgery is recommended."

Banner quickly finished the last of the sutures and yanked your water and blood soaked sweatpants off. There was a large amount of blood pooling in between your legs.

"Bruce what is that?" Bucky yelled rushing over to them. "What's wrong with her, did she stab herself there?" He felt like he was going to vomit.

"Bucky-" He started as he fumbled with some tubing.

"What are you doing to her?!" Bucky yelled again his voice become more and more distressed. "You're gonna kill her please help her!"

"Tony get him the hell out of here!" Banner screamed finally, the Hulks voice peaking behind his anger and frustration.

Bucky was being yanked out of the bay by Sam and Tony. He could fight back easily, fight them off so he could be with you. But his legs were so shaky he could hardly stand on his own two feet. The windows that looked into the bay dimmed and Bucky caught one last look as Banner yanked down Y/N's underwear. A sob escaped from Buckys lips as he crumpled to the ground. What was happening now? Y/N must be so scared. He was so scared.

He felt that hot tears prick at his cheeks and dribbled down into his beard hair. He was crying. Crying for the first time in who knows how long. He couldn't loose you. You were the only one who truly understood Bucky. You meant too much to him.

"Buck-" Sam started but Bucky just cut him off.

"Leave me alone." He sobbed. It felt like a metal pipe had been shoved down Buckys throat. He couldn’t breathe. "Please just go away." Tony and Sam shared a look before the disappeared down the hallway.

He sat there for what seemed like days. But it was only hours. Soon enough Steve came jogging down the hallway to where Bucky sat.

"Buck." Steve gasped, kneeling down next to him. "What happened?"

"I thought she was having a night terrors." Bucky's voice was raw and it hurt to swallow. The crying must have stopped hours ago, but he couldn't remember when it ended. "But she locked me out. Tried to...tried to..."

"Oh god." Steve whimpered, understanding what he was saying. “Is she...?" Bucky shook his head.

"She started bleeding. I think Banners still doing surgery." Steve's face was screwed tightly together as he stood back up. Bucky couldn't tell what he was feeling. He paced the hallway for a bit before he slid down against the wall across from Bucky, his eyes blankly staring at the door. He could see the trembling in his chest when he inhaled.

They sat there in silence for about another hour, when suddenly, the doors to the med bay swung open. Banners eyes fell on them. He sighed heavily and put his hands in his pockets.

"What? What is it?" Bucky pleaded getting to his feet, which caused Steve to stand up.

"Is she okay?" Steve asked, his brows closely knit together.

"Yeah. She's stable. Woke up for a few minutes but she's sleeping now. I had to give her some medicine to calm her down. And I had to..." He trailed off. "Restrain her. She's very agitated." Bruce exhaled and wrung his hands together.

"Then what happened? Why did you have to do surgery." Bucky prodded. He could tell Banner was hiding something.

"The bleeding was caused by a mixture of shock and her blood pressure tanking. I couldn't-" He cleared his throat like he was keeping back tears. "I couldn't save the fetus. She miscarried."

It felt like someone had punched Bucky in the gut. Fetus? Miscarried? She was pregnant?

"From what I could tell she was about 15 weeks along. I ran the DNA because I wasn't...I wasn't sure who the father was."

"I had a child?" Steve whimpered. Tears were falling freely down his face.

"No, Steve.” He whispered softly. “Bucky, it was yours.”

"What? No. That's impossible." Steve scoffed. "You must have your science shit mixed up. There is no way."

"No, he's right." Bucky whispered, absolute shocking talking grip of his body.

"I'm sorry. It was a boy."

"What? No. No! It's wrong. Go test it again Banner! I know it's wrong!"

"Steve-"

"You were fucking her?!" Steve screamed, turning to Bucky. "You knew I was in love with her and you were fucking her?!"

"It was once Steve! Almost 3 months ago! We were drunk and you were away on a mission and I came onto her!" Bucky bargained, staring into the flames of his best friend’s eyes.

"You fucked my girl! My girl!" Steve was irate, barely able to contain himself.

"She isn't yours Steve, you're not even together!"

"I told her that I loved her! And you went and fucked her anyway! What, do you always follow your dick!? I bet that's why she refuses to look at you!"

"No, she told me that she loved me!" Bucky screamed back, his voice echoing in the hallway as silence washed over them. Bucky took a deep breath. "She said it first. And I told her it was a mistake and should be with you." He said quietly.

Steve let out an animalistic growl, and his fist made contact with the side of Bucky's cheek and the back of his head smashed against the wall.

"I love you Bucky." Y/N's soft voice said. Your head was currently buried in Bucky's bare chest. "It's you. It's always has been." You whispered.

Bucky reached down and cupped her cheek, making you look at him. He has been waiting to hear that since they first met. He didn't believe in love at first sight but ever since he first laid eyes on you, he started to believe.

"You don't mean that, doll." He muttered back. Alcohol was still running its course through their bodies. "You're drunk."

"Drunk words are a sober mans thoughts."

"Y/N-"

"I want you Bucky. Just you. No more going back and forth between you and Steve. I can't do that anymore, Bucky. Please believe me." You pleaded, your large eyes staring into his.

"You deserve someone like Steve, not like me. You can't love me." He sighed, letting go of your face.

"I love Steve. He’s amazing and kind, but I love I have for him isn’t like how I love you.”

"No. You love the thought of me." He snapped, rising off the bed. "But you don't love me Y/N. I promise you, you don't. You shouldn't." He gathered his clothes from the floor and shimmied into them. He reached the door and stopped at the sound of your voice.

"But-" Bucky winced at the sound of your voice as it was filling with tears.

"I'm sorry." He whispered turning away, his own eyes brimming with tears. "I don't deserve you. You can't love me. I'm sorry."

part 2

[leakyrocktarot]

What are epidermis pedestrians? First time I'm coming across that word... And your blog so I'm kinda trying to navigate here

An epidermis pedestrian is a "Ski*n W*lker" We don't say the name because it can bring them to you. In the spirit world names are super important and when an entity has your name it can have power over you, and vice versa. Epidermis walkers are beings that can slip into the skin of literally anything to stalk and hunt its prey. An epidermis walker can even take the form of a "Not Deer" Though they are two different things, they can be of the same entity. They originate from Navajo culture, and are called The Yee Naldlooshii and are often times mistaken for wendigos. In Navajo culture, epidermis walkers are derived from ’ánt’įįhnii, which in our terms would be a witch. It is said that after initiation an ’ánt’įįhnii has the ability to become a Yee Naldlooshii. Not all witches are epidermis pedestrians, but all epidermis pedestrians are witches. It is important to note that not all witches are evil, not all of them practice baneful magic, they are a part of two different worlds. "In some stories, people who have attained the highest rank are called clizyati, which means pure evil. This can be achieved by killing a close blood relative, incest, necr0phili4, or other culturally taboo and evil acts. Upon completing one or more of these acts is said to destroy their humanity and allow them to become fully initiated in the way of witchery."

An epidermis pedestrian can take the form of a coyote, wolf, fox, eagle, owl, or crow, but they have the ability to change into whatever animal they need for whatever purpose they need it for. Again I will say Do Not Say The Name Out Loud, Ever. It calls them to you as if you have a target on your back, like being marked by a hunter. I made the mistake of doing it, and there was this bird that followed me for days and it was unlike any other bird. I shit you not, it flew in circles, upside down, and even backwards. I swear to you sometimes it looked like it was hovering in one place. Take note of how animals walk and act around you. If it is a predatory animal and it clearly doesn't think of you as prey, it is most likely a epidermis pedestrian. They often take the high ground, so if you see an animal following you especially from a high place, it most likely will be an epidermis walker. Pay attention to how the body moves, unless they are at the highest level it will always reveal itself by being clumsy. The most obvious example is the countless stories about the deer who turned around, but their legs stayed behind. Sometimes it may walk in a shamble, or jutt around, or even have distorted and crooked limbs. If you see one and you look it in the eye, their eyes will glow yellow whether it is day or night. They can only be found in the desert as that is the only place where they can strive. In the rare case of names, epidermis walkers are the only being that will fear your name. If you call out your given name, it will have to wait until the resonance dissipates. They don't have names, they all consider themselves to be a part of the "Shift".

Below the cut is a clip of a person talking about the things their grandfather has told them about epidermis walkers, how to spot them, and more about them.

Skinwalkers typically live in caves where man cannot reach, or on the tops of mesas. Skinwalkers, while being able to shift, must assume their human form during rest. They are still vulnerable to human patterns of existence. So they seek out places of rest that are seemingly unattainable to humans. The Utes would use this to their advantage, and climb nearby cliffs to catch or kill skin walkers when they least expected it. NOTE: Skinwalkers when sleeping are at their MOST powerful. In the state of rest, the strength to shift circulates through their body over and over again. If they are disturbed during rest, they are at their strongest and can kill at an instant. My grandfather told a story of a particularly Nasty group of two skin walkers who killed several children in a Ute village. A group of brave warriors tracked them to a set of cliffs, where there was a giant half dome cave about 200 feet up. The bravest warriors of the Ute tribe in the region snuck up the cliff, and when they reached the half dome cave, they opened fire on the two skin walkers. The skin walkers were not to be deterred, and instantly killed 3 warriors with their bare hands. The remaining Ute warriors kept firing, and finally the skin walkers lunged toward the edge of the cliff, telling the warriors that they would come back for them another day. The skin walkers ran to the end of the cliff and jumped...but The Utes were already two steps ahead. For weeks they had been bringing in dry brush to the valley below the cave, and by the time the skinwalkers jumped, nearly 3 acres of deadfall was piled strategically throughout the valley trees to look natural. The minute the skin walkers left the cliff, the Utes below lit the pitch-covered dead fall, and when the skin walkers landed, they were quickly trapped in a giant raging bonfire. The skin walkers howled so loudly, that it was said the wind whistled like wolves in that valley for another 50 years.

Skinwalkers sloppily shed fur and you can use it to summon them. When skin walkers turn back, it's just as ugly as when they turn. Instead of cleanly shifting back into human form, skin walkers often leave behind chunks of fur, sometimes up to 6 inches long and 2 inches wide, called "bent skin". If you find "bent skin", you can lure a skinwalker by blowing on the chunk of fur into a fire. The skinwalker will instantly follow the scent to your fire, without question, instinctively. The Ute's would use this method whenever they could, but it was very rare to find "bent skin" without actively knowing the footsteps of a skinwalker.

"The White Wind". That is the expression the Utes used to describe the effects of speaking into quartz rocks to a skinwalker. Skinwalkers are greatly weakened by the voice vibrations of a quartz rock. Medicine Men would carry with them giant quartz rocks, and set them upon a cliff to send out warnings to all nearby skin walkers never to come near their camp. This could only be done when the evidence of skin walkers in the immediate area of the camp could be found. It could not be used as a blanket method to ward off would be attacker skin walkers. The Utes thought that quartz resonated with souls, and that if spoken to with the proper countenance from a Medicine Man or Warrior, that the quartz rock could speak directly to the soul of a person or animal. There was one story about a particularly aggressive skinwalker who chose to stand outside the camp in Elk Form to intimidate the tribe. An elder Medicine Man walked to a nearby rock face, put a giant quartz stone on top, and sang the name of the most recent victims to skin walkers over and over again. Within a matter of hours, the elk began violently kicking, turning from human, to elk, and back again, until it finally started taking the shape of the victims who it killed. The Medicine Man then commanded the skinwalker to turn back to its evil elk form, and jump off a cliff to its final death. The next morning the tribe woke up and found the skinwalker in human form split in half over a pointed stump.

If you can find a skinwalker trail, usually characterized by animal footprints with unusual spacings and variations (example: Deer hoof prints that all of a sudden emerge into 10 feet gaps), you can weaken a skinwalker greatly by putting fish remains in its prints. Animals from the water are highly poisonous to skin walkers in the spiritual sense because they represent water, the killer of the desert. The scent of the fish or other water animal will approach the heel of the skinwalker, and cause him to weaken the more he walks. Warriors who found skin walker trails would alert the tribe, and they would spend days fishing our a local river and then preparing the remains to be used against the skin walkers. The Utes would then follow the footprints for miles, leaving fish rot in each skinwalker indentation, and pouring a mixture of water and fish oil near any pissing sites. Sometimes if they followed the skinwalker closely enough, they would find it wandering half dead in the desert and then kill it or capture it. It is important to note that the use of fish in weakening a skinwalker can ONLY be used when following it. It has to do with the skin walkers sense of smell. They smell for miles both forward and backward, and the fish stench, in order to exact harm, must come subtly from behind, otherwise it will be detected and avoided ASAP. So in summary, one cannot catch a fish, post it at their campsite, and expect to ward off a skinwalker for good. One has to use the fish scent carefully to eventually send the skinwalker into ruin.

Skinwalker Ritual Sites. Skinwalkers have religious sites all across the southwestern desert where they congregate from time to time, (no one knows how often), but they know it happens. These religious gatherings usually take place on the tops of mesas or in secret caves only accessible by skin walkers. At these gatherings the most diabolical happenings occur, innocent captives are eaten alive for sport, children are sacrificed, humans are forced to fight to the death, and abducted women are forced to bear every depraved sex act ever conceived - all for the skinwalkers' entertainment. The Utes told a story of the operator of a Spanish Mine who stumbled upon a viewing of such a ritual. The Spaniard had come to them to trade for supplies and had told them he knew of a skinwalker religious festival coming up that he wanted to sneak in to view it from afar. The Utes pleaded with him not to go, and to head back to his homeland for his own safety and the safety of his men. The Spaniard was far too stubborn to listen to a mere "Native" and snuck into a viewing of the ritual. Weeks later, they ran into the same Spaniard. He had aged at least 30 years. His hair was lightning white, and his skin had been charred by fire. The Utes gave him some water. He tried to speak, but each time he did his whole body trembled. Upon trying to speak for a third time, sweat poured out all over his body. But it was not the kind of sweat that would soak on a warrior's back after battle. It was blood coming out of his pores, because sweat had given up. The Spaniard died seconds later, unable to communicate what ungodly things he had seen at the skinwalker ritual. He didn't have to communicate -- the Utes knew.

Skinwalker Ritual Sites - The Ute Response. 3 Generations before the Spaniard died from sheer panic and fear over the Skinwalker ritual, the Utes had their own tragic experience with it. Four women, including two of the wives of the chief had disappeared within a month. Through dreams the two wives of the chief had reached out to the medicine man to let them know that they were being held captive in a giant room underneath a mesa. The Medicine man and the chief assembled all the warriors in the tribe approached the mesa, which was over 100 miles away. When they approached the mesa they saw a sea of bones, which became more pronounced with each step. What used to be dried and withered animal ribs soon became human hips, skulls, and spines. The plants were dead for nearly half a mile in every direction. The Medicine man and the warriors came up with a plan. The warriors would distract the skin walkers, while the medicine man and his team would build a giant lightning rod on top of the mesa. The warriors and the medicine men went their separate ways and carried out the plan. When the warriors found the cave beneath the Mesa, they formed a perimeter around it and waited in the bushes until its rightful king returned. When the skin walkers came out of the brush and into the cave, they opened fire, from all sides, everywhere, nearly painting the mesa with arrows. Before their arrow fire could finish, the Medicine man at the top of the mesa, grabbed a quartz stone and directed lightning to hit his 4 story tall quartz tower. The lightning hit the tower with such a force that the Mesa cracked in half, and covered half of the tribe in rubble. It is said that the skinwalkers came out roasting alive, with smoke pouring out of their eyes, ears and mouth, covered in charred black skin. The captured native women came out soon after, unscathed, with only a few cuts and bruises on them. The warriors yelled for the Medicine man to come down, that they had been victorious. The Medicine Man then yelled back: "No victory until dust...." The Medicine man proceeded to conduct 50 more strikes of lightning on the Mesa. With each strike it crumbled, until finally it was reduced to a small sand hill. The medicine man was barely able to walk, so succumbed with forcing the lightning strikes when a warrior approached him and said "Look." The Medicine Man looked and saw a beautiful white bird landing on the small sand hill that used to be the Mesa. The Medicine Man, then grabbed the bird and snapped its neck. The bird turned into a muscular human. The Medicine man said: "Let's find his sand hill." This medicine man who was named Fist of Lightning and Death, went on to destroy 4 mesas, and 3 giant caves, but in his words only "chased the wind" of the skin walkers.

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

"I'm truly sorry, but I don't think we've ever met." memory loss angst? 👉👈🥺

anon... fam, this turned into an emotional rollercoaster and totally stole my braincell.

3.8k words. angst with a happy ending. 

tw: memory loss, minor anxiety, repressed memories, idiots to lovers, whump, angst with a happy ending, angst with a fluffy ending

---

It’s been three hours, five minutes, and forty-two seconds since the frigid breeze whipped Geralt’s angry words at him, shattering his fragile, stupid heart to pieces. Every syllable rings through Jaskier’s head over and over, slamming into him from all directions and crippling him with a bone-deep pain far worse than anything he’s ever felt before. The ache ebbs and flows, lancing through him with every step. Not even Geralt’s first frustrated blow to his abdomen had been this terrible.

Geralt… That’s the problem, isn’t it? He hadn’t been smart enough to get out of the gorgeous Witcher’s long, silvery hair soon enough. He’d overstayed his welcome, fallen in love in the meantime, and is now very out of sorts (and also alone in unfamiliar territory). The bard laughs but it’s a hollow sound. Jaskier has reached the edge of hysteria, his intelligent blue eyes now vacant and unseeing. Even as he stumbles through the underbrush, all he can picture is the snarl on Geralt’s face as the Witcher yells at Destiny to take Jaskier off his hands. 

Jaskier’s own hands are covered in sap and splinters from pushing tree branches away from his face as he traverses the darkening forest. His hair is full of debris and his clothes are torn and dirty; Geralt has all of his emergency supplies, still. Jaskier is pretty sure that his lute is still strapped over his shoulder but he realizes, with no small amount of surprise, that he doesn’t actually care.

He doesn’t have the capacity anymore. 

He can’t care… caring hurts too much.

If only Destiny had taken him off Geralt’s hands. Maybe then it would be okay. Maybe then, if Geralt was well and truly free of him and his irritating presence, the Witcher could be happy. He and Yennefer will surely come back around, they always seem to, and Ciri will be joining them soon enough it seems. 

There’s no need - no room - for a humble bard anymore.

Only five hours, thirty minutes, and twelve seconds after Geralt’s outburst at the top of the mountain, Jaskier’s delicate human body succumbs to the stress of the day.

He drops to the forest floor without a sound, grateful for the darkness.

---

Yennefer finds the bard in a heap a few miles away from the previous night’s elevated campsite. When she presses the back of her hand to his forehead she yanks it away almost immediately; he’s burning up, and his skin is clammy and sticky with sweat. The feathery bangs he flicks about and preens so much are stuck to his forehead and temples. He’s on the verge of shaking apart and Yennefer tosses her head imperiously, swearing.

“Damnit, Geralt. You and your incredibly foolish need to be alone all the time so you can brood and self-flagellate. Me, an ageless sorceress from one of the greatest magic schools on the Continent? I can handle a thorough tongue lashing. Fuck, I’m older than you and I’ve seen far worse but this… oh, you great lummox. You absolute bastard…” Yennefer mutters to herself as she assesses the bard’s deteriorating state of health, ranting to an invisible Geralt all the while. “You’re absolutely going to be hearing from me about this, Wolf.”

--- Three days, one hour, and fifteen minutes after Geralt dismissed him forever, Jaskier wakes up with a loud gasp and a violent shudder. He blinks slowly, allowing his eyes to adjust to the bright light streaming in through a window. Whatever he’s lying on is comfortable and the sheets smell fresh and bright, like lilac and freesia. A hint of gooseberry lies beneath it all, delicate and sweet. He glances around the space and finds it to be relatively bare; a guest room, perhaps. Maybe he’s a servant at some noble house? 

Jaskier only really knows that his name is Jaskier and that he plays music. He’s also rather talented with floral arrangements. 

Shortly after he’s finished purveying his (borrowed?) chamber, the very image of grace, beauty, and terror enters the room. The woman, whose coppery skin and enchanting violet eyes practically glow in the midafternoon sun, smiles down at him in a way that toes the line between Motherly and Shark-like. 

“How are you feeling, Jaskier?”

“I’m alright. And you?”

“Just fine. Geralt really did a number on us, huh?” she asks, a playful grin tugging at the corner of her mouth. He has the feeling that something isn’t right; she shouldn’t be looking at him so kindly. 

Her expression changes from friendly to horrified to confused in an instant, as soon as Jaskier manages to ask: “Who’s Geralt? And, pardon me, but I feel as if something is rather amiss. Who are you, my Lady?”

Whoever the gorgeous and terrifying woman is, she grimaces briefly. Then, as if by magic, the comforting smile returns. “I’m Yennefer, of course. I saved your life a few years ago, remember?”

Jaskier wracks his brain but cannot call the occasion to mind. “Unfortunately no, I don’t remember your no doubt heroic deed. Although I suppose that means I’m in your debt, doesn’t it? Do I work for you? Is that why I’m here?”

The woman blinks a few times, slowly, and then nods. “You’re my gardener and personal musician.”

Jaskier brightens, happy to have found himself in a safe environment. 

“But you’ve had a nasty illness and your mind is clearly fatigued. Rest another day or two and then we can see about getting you back into the fresh air.”

“Thank you, my Lady,” Jaskier nods.

“Yen is fine.”

“Thank you, Yen. I don’t know where I’d be without you,” he grins. 

---

Yennefer turns away to hide her pained expression. You’d probably still be with your beloved Witcher. 

She makes her way to the kitchen to fix Jaskier something to eat. He must be hungry after spending three days in a deep, healing sleep. She hadn’t been expecting the amnesia, though; it was an unexpected but not unsurprising turn of events. Heartbreak had done stranger things than a little bit of fever-induced memory loss. When she’d delved briefly into his mind she hadn’t seen any sign of Geralt. His face was absent from the bard’s consciousness; she would have needed to dig to unearth those memories. Whatever the Witcher had done was grievous, especially if Jaskier’s mind compensated with something as dramatic as burying Geralt completely to save itself from further harm.

No matter, she decides, the bard can stay here as long as he likes. It’s the least I can do for all the upset Geralt and I have caused him. Where is that idiot Witcher, anyway?

The sorceress quickly clears her agenda and her mind before returning to her guest room with a large tray of food, a bottle of Toussainti red under her arm. “Jaskier, darling, let’s get your convalescence started in style!”

---

2 months later

---

Jaskier watches a strange man ride up the long path to Yennefer’s manor, the hilts of his twin swords glinting in the sun where they’re slung over his shoulder. He has long white hair and the most devastating jawline the bard/gardener (or ‘bardener’ as he says to irritate his darling employer) has ever laid eyes on. He’s clad all in black, from his plain linen shirt to his tight leather trousers; Jaskier thinks he’d also look rather lovely in dark blue or perhaps forest green.

In front of him, wrapped securely against his chest by one strong arm, sits a little girl with ashen hair and frightened eyes. Haunted eyes. Jaskier’s mind fills with ballads, some familiar and some oddly dreamlike, their lyrics half-obscured and hazy. Ciri, he thinks for no reason. Her name is Ciri. And she is a Princess.

The brunette scurries from the garden alongside the house to the kitchen, searching for the familiar cloud of Yennefer’s strong perfume. “My Lady?” 

“Darling?” the sorceress replies, coming around the corner. She raises her perfectly maintained eyebrows and her lips quirk up into a smirk. “Did you sprint all the way from the west lawn?”

“There’s a- strange man- on the- drive!” he huffs. “White hair- horse!”

“Oh,” her eyes go wide with surprise. Then, in a split second, they narrow to slits. “Oh.”

“Do you, uhm, know him?” Jaskier asks, twiddling his fingers. “He’s rather handsome, Yen. Is he a former lover?”

“Unfortunately,” she growls. “I can’t believe it’s taken him two fucking months to get here. He’d better have a damned good excuse.”

By now Jaskier can breathe normally again and he straightens up, shaking his long, shaggy hair from his eyes. “He had a child with him. She looked scared, Yen.”

“Cirilla!”

Yennefer dashes for the front door and Jaskier follows instinctually. They’re always together and he can’t bear to let her confront this man alone. He’s spent every waking moment with Yen since he awoke that first day and she has grown to be his dearest friend; he’ll protect her even unto death. “Yenna, what’s wrong? Who is he!?”

“Geralt of Rivia,” she snarls. The name seems familiar; maybe from a ballad or story? Perhaps Yen has mentioned him before? 

“What about Geralt of Rivia?” a low, rumbling bass asks from the front hallway. Jaskier and Yennefer arrive in the doorway together and the man, Geralt apparently, takes a shaky step back. He recoils a bit, as if he’s been slapped, and Yennefer’s smile grows cruel. His voice, still incredibly low but now with a slight tremor to it, stutters out; “Wha- Yen, what is he- Jaskier? I only came to ask for help with Ciri, I didn’t know- I didn’t-”

Geralt’s stammered speech tapers off into silence and Yennefer’s brow furrows a second time. When the sorceress sets eyes on the child, who cannot be more than twelve years old, her expression softens again. Jaskier watches the most imposing woman in the world kneel, taking one small, pale hand in both of her own. “My name is Yennever of Vengerberg, former Sorceress of Aretuza. I am honored to meet you, Princess Cirilla. Geralt has come seeking protection, no doubt, and it is easily granted. I will do everything I can to help you.”

“Thank you, Lady Yennefer. And, uhm… Ciri’s fine,” the girl replies. Her voice is high and reedy, shot through with anxiety. She’s so young, Jaskier frowns. And yet she seems to have weathered an incredible storm.

“Ciri,” the bard bows from the doorway, low and dramatic. He sweeps his arm out to the side and bends his knees as awkwardly as possible, “I am Jaskier, private troubadour and gardener extraordinaire, under the employ of the magnanimous and dangerous Lady Yennefer, here. It is my greatest honor to make your very mighty and very royal acquaintance.”

“You’re silly, Master Jaskier,” the child giggles, hiding her mouth behind her hands. Geralt’s eyes grow wide and dart between Jaskier and the girl. Yennefer makes meaningful eye contact before nodding toward the door. Jaskier looks down at Ciri again when she asks: “Do you grow lots of flowers in Lady Yennefer’s garden, or just herbs and things for magic?” 

“I grow lots of things all over the property,” the brunette man steps forward and offers Ciri his hand, gesturing towards the front door with the other. “Would you like to come and take a look? I know all the scientific names, you can even quiz me if you like.”

“I know some,” she smiles shyly, accepting the offered hand. “May I go take a look at the gardens, Geralt?”

“Go ahead,” the Witcher nods dumbly. “Jaskier will take good care of you.”

“That I will. Now, let’s take a look at the flowers and let these silly adults have a chat,” Jaskier grins. He winks at Yennefer and disappears out the door, exiled Princess in tow. 

The two lively companions have toured through all the medicinal herbs and are halfway through Yennefer’s large collection of rose variations when the two other members of the party approach. Geralt looks sheepish, his eyes downcast. Yennefer looks triumphant; she is radiant in her victory as always. 

Geralt steps forward, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. “Jaskier, I’ve come to apologize for what happened when we parted.”

“Excuse me?” the bard chuckles, raising an eyebrow.  "I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, exactly.”

“When I yelled at you after the dragon hunt. It was only two months ago, Jaskier, surely you remember?”

Jaskier blushes, glancing anxiously between Geralt and his friend, whose violet eyes are stormy with emotion, “I'm truly sorry, but I don't think we've ever met."

Geralt gasps sharply and takes a step back, as he did in the entryway. Jaskier winces, seemingly on instinct, and shies away from the larger man. “You don’t remember me?”

“No…” Jaskier sighs. “I really don't. Should I?”

“You don’t… You don’t even remember Toss a Coin?”

“Oh, that ditty from town?” Jaskier perks up. “I know that song! It always gets stuck in my head.”

“You… You wrote that song,” Geralt’s face crumples. “About our first adventure together outside of Posada. With the elves and the sylvan...”

“I’ve never been to Posada,” Jaskier laughs, waving his hand dismissively. “They hate bards. They prefer troupes of traveling play-actors. Posada is far too serious for my tastes.”

Geralt seems to be in agony. His chest rises and falls unevenly, as if he’s on the verge of tears but unable to shed them. Can Witchers cry? 

How does he know that Geralt is a Witcher? Is it the two swords, the scars, or the strange eyes? How does he know that those are common Witcher traits?

His stomach lurches and he turns away from the group in case he needs to be sick. The ground spins and shivers in little ripples around him, unstable and impermanent beneath his feet. Yennefer is calling his name from somewhere far away and a pair of warm, strong arms are looped around his waist. Still, he can’t seem to breathe. Or focus.

There’s something missing. 

He starts to hum, trying to remember the words of that damned song.

The rest of the world fades in and out around him, finally disappearing altogether.

---

He’s gorgeous. 

Jaskier shoves another roll into his pocket. His eyes are focused on the man in the corner. He has long, snow-white hair and his shoulders are hunched forward protectively, as if he can hold the world out by sitting by himself. He’s glaring the table into submission, one fist clenched around his tankard. 

I want to write him a thousand ballads. I want to know what his hair looks like when he wakes up in the morning, before he brushes it out again. I want to know if he snores. I want… he stops himself. 

He makes his way across the room with eyes only for the stranger. “I love the way you just sit in the corner and brood.”

The man looks away and Jaskier notices that his irises are gold. “I’m here to drink alone.”

Gods, his fucking voice… Velvet and gravel all at once. Melitele, does Jaskier want. “Good, yeah. Good. No one else hesitated to comment on the quality of my performance… except for you.”

The man, the Witcher, Jaskier realizes, rolls his eyes.

“Come on,” he wheedles, sitting down across from the gorgeous stranger. “You don’t want to keep a man with bread in his pants waiting. You must have some review for me, three words or less.”

The man’s face stays stoic, expressionless. “They don’t exist.”

He realizes shortly thereafter that this man is not just any Witcher but the infamous Butcher of Blaviken, Geralt of Rivia. He could try to disengage himself from such a daunting character; he could easily make some kind of excuse and disappear back to the troubadour’s path, heading towards civilization, but it’s already too late. He doesn’t want to leave Geralt’s side ever again; he wants to write all those ballads he was thinking about earlier, when he glanced across the room. 

Jaskier has fallen head over heels in love. ---

Geralt cradles Jaskier against his chest and presses his nose deep into those chestnut brown waves. “Wake up, Jaskier. Come back to me, bard, it’s been too long.”

“Don’t you usually go all winter without seeing him?” Yennefer asks from the doorway. 

“It’s hell,” he replies easily. There’s no point in hiding his feelings from her. “I miss him every minute of every day.”

“Verbose this evening,” she remarks, taking a seat by the fire. “He’s dreaming, you know. He’s remembering you.”

“He’d forgotten?”

“He’d repressed it all,” she shrugs. “When I found him that day, feverish and nearly dead on the side of that godsforsaken mountain, he was barely coherent enough to open his eyes. He just kept asking for you, Geralt. Over and over he called for you, reaching his arms up, weak as they were. Gods, it was pitiful to watch.”

Geralt swallows. 

“I thought you were going to come back sooner. I was surprised when his memories didn’t resurface after two or three weeks. Short-term memory loss after a fever isn’t uncommon but repressing twenty years worth of feelings and experiences-” she whistles lowly “-it was impressive and tragic, all at once.”

“He forgot me?”

“Entirely.”

Geralt glances down, shame-faced. He adjusts Jaskier in his arms, holding him close and pillowing the bard’s head against his shoulder. “I deserve it, Yen.”

“He’s remembering now, though. He’ll probably be a little less than pleased to see you when he wakes up, but he knows who you are.”

“When will he wake?”

“Can’t say,” she shrugs again. “After I brought him back from the mountain it took three days for him to wake up. The first day was magically induced but after that it was just him… exhausted and heartbroken to the point of self-induced amnesia.”

“Fuck, Yen,” Geralt groaned, pressing his forehead into the soft warmth of Jaskier’s cheek. “How can I make it up to him?”

“Stay.”

“Hmm?”

“When he wakes up and he’s angry and upset, stay. Don’t stomp off or blow up or freak out,” she instructs. “If he asks you to leave, go, but otherwise… prove yourself, Geralt of Rivia. You wanted to be a knight once, didn’t you? Now’s your chance to play Prince Charming. Get down on your lovely knees and beg and apologize.”

“Hmm. How’s Ciri?”

“Fed, bathed, and put to bed. I’ll take care of her for as long as it takes you two morons to make nice again. Good luck, Geralt, I’m sure he’ll forgive you too easily for my tastes.”

She stands from her seat and leaves just as efficiently as she entered, carefully closing the door behind her. Geralt lays Jaskier back on the bed and takes a seat beside him on the mattress, kneeling just within touching distance, should Jaskier reach out for reassurance in his sleep. Geralt closes his eyes and slips easily into meditation. 

The Witcher is pulled from his trance a few hours later when Jaskier makes a startled sound and tries to sit up. Geralt opens his eyes and splays one warm, broad hand against Jaskier’s chest, forcing him back against the goose down pillows. “Stay still, Jaskier. You’re feverish and weak.”

“I’m still dreaming,” the bard grumbles, reaching to rub at his eyes with the heels of his hands. It’s adorable and Geralt grins widely, warmth spilling into his chest from some newly discovered fount of happiness. “You’re being too nice to me, Witcher.”

“I’m so sorry, Jaskier, for everything.”

“What’s everything, Geralt?”

“I’m sorry for pushing you away when I was angry and confused instead of communicating with you. I’m sorry for hurting you with my brash words and foolish actions; you have always deserved so much better and I’m so afraid that I can never give that to you. I take the wrong step at every turn, it seems, and yet you stay by my side. I didn’t want to risk hurting you the way I’ve already hurt Yen and Ciri, by tying us together against your will.”

“Darling Geralt,” the bard sighs. The Witcher scoots slightly closer and Jaskier lays a gentle hand atop his thigh. “It has always been my greatest pleasure to travel the Path with you and write of our adventures. I appreciate your concern for my agency and wellbeing, dear heart, but I am quite happy spending my entire human life in your presence.”

“Hmm,” the Witcher frowns. “You’re going to die someday.”

“And? So are you. So shall Yennefer, maybe.”

“Not likely,” Geralt jokes. Jaskier grins and the sight of it is so heartwarming that the Witcher wishes he could break down into tears. At least then Jaskier could see just how deeply his feelings ran. “I’m sorry, Jaskier, for blaming you for things that I brought upon myself. I love you dearly, and I hope that someday you can choose to travel with me again.”

“Excuse me?”

“I hope that you’ll-”

“No, the other bit.”

“I love you?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Oh. Yes, I-” Geralt clears his throat and looks Jaskier in the eyes, gold and blue locked together, “I love you very much, Jaskier.”

“Fuck.”

“May I kiss you, Jaskier?”

“Yes,” the bard breathes.

And then Geralt is lifting him up into his lap, one hand cradling Jaskier’s skull so so fucking carefully. Geralt’s other arm supports his waist, holding him steady. Their lips come together softly, carefully, and Jaskier’s soul spirals up to the ceiling with joy, his body abandoned. He is merely a vessel for the happiness that comes with kissing his Witcher. When they pull apart, both men are grinning like fools. “Oh, dear heart.”

“Yes, my love?”

“Never stop calling me that.”

“I swear I won’t, my love.”

From downstairs, Geralt hears Yennefer mutter, “Fucking finally.”

It takes twenty-two years, seven months, and one day, but Geralt and Jaskier manage to figure things out.

[robins-decades-challenge]

Brindleton Bay, 1883

Meanwhile, 1500 miles away, Hugh still remained in Brindleton Bay Orphanage - and with every passing year, his hope of being adopted was growing smaller and smaller. At 15 years old, he was closer to a man now than a child, after all.

One day, while doing chores, he spotted a woman at the front desk talking with Sister Ruth; he couldn't help but feel his spirits lift a little. Even if it was very unlikely that he'd ever be adopted, it still made him happy knowing one of his fellow orphans would.

However, as he listened in on more of the conversation, a sudden wave of icy shock swept over his body, freezing him solid with disbelief.

"...Are you kidding me?!" the unfamiliar woman snarled, a trace of an Irish accent present in her voice. "This girl is my granddaughter! I have been saving up money for YEARS to get her back - and I come back to news that she's been shipped off West?!"

"I understand your frustration, ma'am," the nun hissed back, clearly using every ounce of her self-control not to lash out. "But I cannot give you any further information -"

"Surely you have documents! Please, I-I've spent the past 7 YEARS working to get her back! Please, her name is Grace Mulholland -"

"Like I said before, I can't help you!"

"UGH!" The woman suddenly jumped to her feet, slinging a series of enraged insults in what Hugh assumed to be Irish, before turning around and beginning to storm out.

Hugh watched her go, his mind reeling. Had he misheard her? Did she really say Grace Mulholland? Did that mean that this was Catherine - Grace's Grandma Catherine? He had always had his private doubts when Grace used to insist that her grandmother was coming to get her - but, now, it seemed that she was right. She really had come for her.

The only problem was that she was 2 years too late.

In a moment of impulsive desperation, Hugh rushed over to the older woman. "Hey! Wait!"

"Go away, kid. I'm not in the mood to talk right now," muttered the woman.

"P-Please, ma'am - you were here for Grace Mulholland, right?"

The woman suddenly froze, and was silent for several moments. Hugh was about to ask again when she looked up at him with a cautious, yet hopeful look in her eyes. "That I am. And who might you be? Do you know her?"

"I-I'm Hugh Gallagher, miss," he excitedly explained. "Grace was my best friend while she was here. They put her on a train two years ago out West, and I haven't seen her since. But I swore to myself and her that I'd go find her when I got outta here."

The woman was silent for a few moments, thinking; finally, she wordlessly went over to the little table in the middle of the room, got a piece of paper and a pen, and scribbled something down. She handed the paper to the boy, a smile on her face.

"Well, when you do get out, come find me," was all she said, before silently turning around and leaving the orphanage.

Hugh looked over the note, reading it over and over again - it contained the woman's name, Catherine Kelly, and her address. With every letter he read, more and more determination and excitement brewed in his chest. When he finally folded up the paper and placed it into his pocket, he felt as though his heart would burst.

He was closer than ever to finding Grace - all that he needed to do now was wait until he was old enough to leave. With a pang he realized how long that would be - 3 years that would surely feel like an eternity.

But, he was willing to wait. This was for his best friend, after all; he'd fulfill his promise to her, no longer how long it would take.

First | Previous | Next

[tiriansjewel]

find it here on Spotify!

lyric explanations below the cut! (click images for better quality)

~~

~~

1. The 1 by Taylor Swift

“But it would've been fun

If you would've been the one”

As we start the playlist, Luke and Alex are taking a wistful look back on their relationship in the 90s now that they’ve moved on to other people.

2. Coming Clean by Green Day

“Seventeen and strung out on confusion

Trapped inside a roll of disillusion

I found out what it takes to be a man

Now mom and dad will never understand”

Back in the 90s, both Luke and Alex are coming to terms with their sexualities.

3. Smells Like Teen Spirit

“With the lights out, it's less dangerous

Here we are now, entertain us”

Sunset Curve were working towards popularity right at the height of the grunge scene, and I would assume that both Luke and Alex heard quite a bit of this song as teenagers.

4. Now or Never by Sunset Curve

“Keep dreaming like we'll live forever

But live it like it's now or never”

How could I not include Sunset Curve’s own song? They like living in the moment, and that includes their love lives.

5. Everlong by the Foo Fighters

“And I wonder

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you

You've got to promise not to stop when I say when”

When you go through adolescence, you crave intimacy with other people. This song exemplifies what Luke and Alex want from each other- to be able to feel, and to be able to experience those feelings on a deeper level.

6. Ocean Size by Jane’s Addiction

“Wish I was ocean size

They cannot move you, man

No one tries

No one pulls you

Out from your hole

Like a tooth aching a jawbone”

Jane’s Addiction was another LA rock band of this time period, and these lyrics about wanting to be powerful like the ocean and having to leave your home really remind me of Luke.

7. All Apologies by Nirvana

“What else should I be?

All apologies

What else should I say?

Everyone is gay”

This song is Kurt Cobain ironically apologizing for his cynical attitude, including the line “everyone is gay” to mock homophobes. It reminds me of Alex- he doesn’t want to be “married and buried”; he is rebelling against his parents’ definition of a correct lifestyle.

8. Freaking Out The Neighborhood by Max DeMarco

“And I know it's no fun

When your first son

Gets up to no good

Starts freaking out the neighborhood”

Emily Patterson and Alex’s mom were probably both pretty appalled by their sons effectively joining the counterculture. At this point, both Luke and Alex are starting to express themselves more, comfortable in who they are and what they want.

9. Hangout With You by Diners

“All I want

Is to talk with you now

And I know that you've got time

You are constantly on my mind

Yes I know that you've got time

To hang out with me

Tonight”

Luke has begun to realize that he likes Alex, and in true Luke fashion, can’t stop thinking about it.

10. Affection by Between Friends

“I'm laying on the floor

We're drinking 'cause we're bored

Oh, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places

And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces”

One night, it all comes out- their feelings and desires- and they decide to begin some kind of friends with benefits type of situation. This song feels like it’s from Luke’s perspective to me.

11. gold rush by Taylor Swift

“What must it be like

To grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominos

I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors

With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door

At dinner parties

I call you out on your contrarian shit

And the coastal town

We wandered 'round had never

Seen a love as pure as it

And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea

'Cause you know it could never be”

Luke is a magnetic person, attracting everyone, and Alex finds him beautiful. He is in awe of him, but he’s also scared about having feelings he doesn’t know how to handle. This song kind of shows Alex’s internal monologue.

12. Can We Kiss Forever? by Kina

“I tried to reach you, I can't hide

How strong's the feeling when we dive

I crossed the ocean of my mind

My wounds are healing with the salt

All my senses intensified

Whenever you and I, we dive”

This song describes their first kiss, obscured from the world, in my mind. Plus, there’s ocean metaphors. You can’t go wrong with that.

13. 18 by Anarbor

“So if you wanna piss off your parents

Date me to scare them

Show them you're all grown up

If long hair and tattoos are what attract you

Baby, then you're in luck

And I know it's just a phase

You're not in love with me

You wanna piss off your parents, baby

That's alright with me”

Luke knows Alex isn’t in love with him, but they both want to try new things. Bonus points for this song having references to frayed parent-child relationships.

14. Boys Will Be Boys by Miles McKenna

“That graduation day, it never came for you and me

Couple drop-out kids, a shotgun wedding's all we need

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

A couple packs a day, pierced nose and tattoos on our legs

No strangers to pretend, we've always been too proud to beg

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

Boys will be boys”

This song referencing a “couple of drop out kids” just going with the flow made me think of how Sunset Curve probably never would have finished high school.

15. Just Like You by Three Days Grace

“You thought you were there to guide me, you were only in my way

You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you

I could be mean

I could be angry

You know I could be just like you.”

Both Luke and Alex have tons of resentment for their parents, obviously.

16. Sunstroke by Less Than Jake

“We've all been living proof

That time won't wait or choose

We know it ticks on without me and you

And I can't have both sides

Letting go or holding tight

I'm burning bright tonight”

This song about being stubborn and time not waiting really reminded me of Luke, plus the foreshadowing of them becoming ghosts and adapting to a whole new world.

17. Saint Bernard by Lincoln

“Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you

But he's got his own things to deal with

There's really just one thing that we have in common

Neither of us will be missed”

This song just made me think about Alex and his Catholic guilt.

18. Bedroom Hymns by Florence and the Machine

“This is a good a place to fall as any

We'll build our altar here

Make me your Maria

I'm already on my knees

You had Jesus on your breath

And I caught Him in mine

Sweating out confessions

The undone and the divine

This is his body, this is his love

Such selfish prayers and I can't get enough, oh”

Part 2 of Alex and his Catholic guilt. Their relationship has become more carnal, and this song maybe gives a little of Alex’s perspective into that time.

19. Church by Fall Out Boy

“And if death is the last appointment

Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room

I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom

If you were church, yeah

I'd get on my knees”

Here ends the trilogy of songs with religious references. This song is heady and sensual and also includes some nice foreshadowing of their deaths.

20. Bros by Wolf Alice

“Shake your hair, have some fun

Forget our mothers and past lovers, forget everyone

Oh, I'm so lucky, you are my best friend

Oh, there's no one, there's no one who knows me like you do

Are your lights still on?

I'll keep you safe

If you keep me strong”

Here’s another song from Luke’s perspective- talking about forgetting mothers, being best friends, and keeping Alex safe, as long as Alex keeps him strong.

21. Slip Away by Perfume Genius

“Don't look back, I want to break free

If you'll never see 'em coming
You'll never have to hide

Take my hand, take my everything

If we only got a moment

Give it to me now

They'll never break the shape we take

Baby, let all them voices slip away”

Alex struggles with losing his family over his sexuality, and Luke helps him through it.

22. Make Out In My Car by Sufjan Stevens

“I'm not trying to

Go to bed with you

I just wanna make out in my car

And though I'm dying to

Fall in love with you

I just wanna make out in my car”

Another great song about just wanting to exist with someone, about wanting touch and feel and create. They don’t want to fall in love, they just want to be.

23. I Exist I Exist I Exist by Flatsound

“I remember the way you shook

Its a shame that we're not soul mates

Because if i didn't know better

I'd say this feels pretty good

How could i be scared?

When i stretch and feel that you're there

So shut your mouth

Because these words will speak themselves

I can feel them in these blankets

And they're surrounding your figure

Embraced in the quilts

And i cant help but think

You're my missing puzzle piece”

This song is so beautiful- with references to helping a partner through anxiety, and being just like ones mother... a lot of this dynamic in my mind is Luke and Alex reminding each other that they exist, that life is wide and bright, that they’re alive. This gives a window into Luke’s inner feelings as well.

24. Come on, Mess Me Up by Cub Sport

“I found comfort, I fell in love with avoiding problems

But I want this, you know I want this

So come on, mess me up

And you can break me, if you'll still take me

Ruin me, if you'll let me be one of the ones you say you won't forget”

At some point, they become more reckless about their feelings, a little less level headed about their arrangement. Intimacy is an escape.

25. Please Never Fall In Love Again by Ollie MN

“This is what it's like to be lovers

You and me need never be lonely again

Spin with me endlessly or at least until the end

Please never fall in love again”

As usually happens with these arrangements, feelings are caught. Luke and Alex consider making things more serious.

26. Can I Call You Tonight? by Dayglow

“Batteries drain, I get the memo

I think that I might have to let you go

So can I call you tonight?

I'm trying to make up my mind

Just how I feel

Could you tell me what's real?”

The end of their relationship is near, and Alex is unsure. You can decide if this takes place before or after they die.

27. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

“I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love with you”

Eventually these relationships all start to feel like games, don’t they?

28. Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins

“So far I still know who you are

But now I wonder who I was

Angel, you know it's not the end

We'll always be good friends”

Another song about the end of a relationship, and finding yourself again. There’s a bit of resentment there, but they are learning to be friends again.

29. Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy

“Maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight

Let the fire breathe me back to life

Baby you were my picket fence

I miss missing you, now and then”

They’ve gotten over each other and become friends again, but are still nostalgic for the past. Bonus points for references about coming back to life.

30. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day

“For what it's worth

It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life”

Ah yes, the song everyone uses to commemorate bittersweet ends- it’s the perfect clincher for this playlist.

I hope you all enjoy listening!

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 Haikyuu!! Week 2020 | Day 2 』

· Sept. 26th → One Ball, Heart and Soul ·

Characters: Sawamura Daichi, Testurou Kuroo, Bokuto Koutarou, Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru, Terushima Yuuji

Prompts: A. favourite position/role + B. travel/journey

Tags/warnings: Haikyuu!! (anime), PG, fluff, crack, headcanons, HaikyuuWeek2020

A/N: I found it so hard to pick a favourite position/role, because they're all so interesting and important, and I love everyone 😭 But I settled on the role of captain because of the headcanons I thought of. Captain Sqaud, assemble! So, want to find out what these boys are like on a road trip?

(Just to be clear, I do love all these guys. None of this is hate 😂) All my Haikyuu Week 2020 posts will be SFW, but I have some NSFW stuff on my blog, too. Feel free to check that out~ Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ Imo~

☆ Sawamura Daichi ☆

Dad-chi™

Comes prepared with all the food, drinks, snacks, med kit, camera – literally everything you could possibly need on a road trip

Plans out the route beforehand down to the tiniest detail nothing gets past this man

As well as multiple backup routes in case there's diversions etc.

Plans for regular breaks at two-hour intervals where everyone can pee, stretch their legs, buy anything they need, etc.

He's the one who's driving he's not letting anybody else get a scratch on his van, lmao

And he's good at it

No speeding he's a cop, y'all but he doesn't dawdle either, no running red lights, turns corners well, keeps an even foot on the gas, etc.

Just a good time, tbh

Nobody is getting car sick because of him that would be a damn disgrace

"Stop fighting right now, or I'm turning this van around"

And will actually do it if you don't stfu, lmfao

Don't even think about making a mess and dropping your rubbish in the van you'll be walking home

Everyone else thinks his music is boring and for old people, but Daichi honestly doesn't care

Besides, it's either that or no music at all, because he needs to concentrate on the road

He takes this shit seriously. People's lives are in his hands, dammit!

☆ Testurou Kuroo ☆

Likes to switch between driving and riding shotgun/being designated navigator

Is fairly decent at both

Is constantly eating something but, like, he probably doesn't even know what it is

Some kind of edible is shoved towards his mouth by whoever's riding shotgun, and in it goes shut up. Not like that, you cretins 😂

Somehow manages to behave like an overbearing grandparent and an overexcited child at the same time?? Nothing new there, I guess 😂

I'm sorry, Kuroo, I love you. Please don't be mad 😭

Has a banging playlist full of throwback songs from the 90s and early 2000s

Drums along sofly on the steering wheel or dashboard constantly

HATES driving in rain he's low-key terrified he's going to aquaplane

Likes driving with the windows wound down and feeling the wind in his hair

Will plan the route, but then forget to save it/print it off, etc.

Cannot work Google Maps or SAT-NAVs to save his life Kenma, please help him

Actually packs properly balanced meals, but is heavy on the snacks, too

You'd think he'd drive too fast, but he's actually really responsible

Constantly telling dad jokes to try and keep people amused the groaners are the best

Would probably fight someone at the gas station if they started being a dick and causing trouble

Kuroo, baby. I love you, but please don't get arrested 😭😂😭

☆ Bokuto Koutarou ☆

Dear God, do NOT let him drive leave it to Akaashi, I'm begging you

Has really bad spacial awareness in a vehicle and drifts all over the place

Probably speeds without even knowing it, too

Likes to ride shotgun, but is a terrible navigator, so is nearly always made to ride in the back

Is the loud one that moves around too much and blocks the rear view mirror strap him in tight, Akaashi

Belts along at the top of his voice to whatever music is playing, he's not fussy

Was told to pack essential items in his backpack and proceeded to fill it with sweets and snacks and a pack of condoms??? and thought he did good

Bokuto: Bro, you said they were essential

Akaashi: NOT FOR EVERY SITUATION

Rarely ever has to pee, but when he does, it's always miles away from any service station, and he has to hold it for hours

Has definitely peed at the side of the road multiple times because he couldn't hold it any longer, but he wasn't even embarrassed as numerous cars zoomed past

Likes sticking his head out the window like a dog on the motorway which gives everyone else heart attacks

Like, get the hell back inside you maniac 😭

If the car has a sunroof, he's 100% standing up through it with his hands in the air just you try and stop him

And they will. Everyone will try

"HORSES!!"

Will get out of the car in traffic jams to find out what's going on and end up chatting with random strangers until it starts moving again

And he's very sad when he has to leave his new friends. Droopy hair and emo Kou for the next 2 hours :(

Unironically enjoys playing 'I Spy' for hours at a time

Is a bit much to handle in such a confined space for hours on end, but he's just so excited for the road trip

Will fall sound asleep in a matter of minutes if you set him up with a travel pillow and it's freaking adorable!!

☆ Ushijima Wakatoshi ☆

No music whatsoever it's distracting. Why would he want it?

Okay driver, brilliant paper-map navigator

Will sit and do absolutely nothing but stare out the window the entire trip if he's neither

Breaks too hard and accelerates too fast, though

Is also kind of heavy-handed with the gear stick he may or may not have snapped one off before...

Never give him a SAT-NAV, though, because he will follow the directions with 100% accuracy and end up driving through a wall or some shit don't try and deny it

Does he ever even blink when he's looking at the road? We may never know

Might be astral projecting, who knows

Forgets people need toilet breaks but refuses to make unscheduled stops

"Just hold it in"

Uh-huh, sure. That's how that works, Toshi

No snacks

Or rather, no fun snacks. Protein bars and mineral water all the way, babyyyy 🙃🙃🙃

Could probably drive all through the night without taking any breaks but that's irresponsible

Don't do it, kids

Will likely devour the entire KFC menu at the service station he's big, okay? He eats a lot

Is prone to leg cramp after long drives oh look, he needs a massage 😏

Doesn't get car sick. Ever. Upset stomachs are for the weak

Has garbage and recycling pouches on the backs of the front seats use them correctly, or feel his wrath

Isn't exactly a barrel of laughs, but it's somehow endearing just like always *happy sigh*

But it's actually a good thing

There's no hidden side to Ushi or any bad or annoying habits that come out of the woodwork on a long road trip

He's just the same old reliable, adorably straightforward Ushijima ❤

☆ Oikawa Tooru ☆

Calls shotgun and demands the aux cord every. Single. Time but it's pretty decent music, so no-one really complains

Not that he's any good at navigation pray for Iwa-chan

Is constantly taking selfies, making TikToks, and documenting the trip on his social media

#ROADTRIP #SQUAD GOALS #BETTER THAN YOU

Will send all the photos in the group chat when it's over, and they actually come out pretty well

Will not stop complaining if the air conditioning is busted and Iwa-chan will threaten to dump him in the middle of nowhere if he doesn't can it 😂

Iwa-chan: I shoulda left you on that street corner where you were standing

Oikawa: But'cha dIDN'T

Bonus points if you get that reference, lmao

Has to keep taking breaks because his butt hurts when he sits down for too long because it's fLaT

I'm sorry, Tooru 😭😭 Forgive me. I love you, really

Is constantly on his phone

But he points out pretty views and interesting sights to everyone all the time awww

Low-key needs to pee all the time, but gets defensive if someone brings it up please stop bulling him, travelling is hard

"Are we there yet?"

Seems kind of annoying, but is actually just genuinely excited to go on a road trip and spend time with his friends 😭😭

Buys matching souvenirs for everyone in secret to surprise them with 🥺

When people complain about all the photos, souvenirs, and enthusiasm, etc. and ask why he has to keep doing it, Oikawa says:

"I want to remember as much of this as possible. I want us all to remember as much of this as much as possible," with a sweet little smile 😭😭😭

And that's when everyone realises how mean they've been to him about being over-the-top and irritating, and they all feel terrible

Just like in the freaking anime, man

☆ Terushima Yuuji ☆

Will hijack the aux cord to play his incredibly niche music taste

Feet up on the dashboard when he rides shotgun

Shoes on is bad enough, but shoes off just stinks up the entire car you have to roll all the windows down, lmfao

Will break all sorts of road laws if you let him behind the wheel please don't

Daichi will come and arrest him 😭😭

Lives on energy drinks

That's all the drinks he packs. Nothing else

Travels in sports wear and sliders yes, even though you reallly shouldn't drive in sandals

Like he knows or cares 😭

Will chat to girls at the gas station and ask for their numbers, even though he's never going to see them again

"You never know, man! It could be, like, fate or something"

Yes, Yuuji, you do. And it's 'or something'

Thinks it's a good time to sext his current booty call because, like, he has hours of free time. What else is he going to do?

Probably forgot to pack actual food

Has to live off of snacks and cheap service station food for the duration of the trip

But not his own snacks, of course. Everyone else's one doesn't keep friends and buy one's own snacks

Genuinely doesn't realise if he's being gross or annoying, so let him down lightly like a bro and he'll probably make an effort to stop

Doesn't plan the route or anything, even if he's driving. Just punches it into Google Maps as he sits his ass down on the day and trusts it to get him there in one piece and on time

Entire Johzenji team: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

For some reason knows how to change a flat tire, though, so he's good for something, I guess 😂😂

Probably saw a YouTube video on it. Maybe a WikiHow article

Somehow still manages to be an endearing part of the trip??

He smiles a lot and makes a lot of jokes, particularly when things go wrong, so it keeps everyone's spirits up

It definitely wouldn't be the same without him

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[darthlorddiamond]

Everything Will Be Fine

Summary: The First Order located where the rebel base was and undertook a mission to annihilate them. You and Kylo lead the mission, however, at one point in the battlefield one of you gets lost. This story is inspired by the song The Next Right Thing the Frozen 2.

Words: 2,369

Reading Time: 10 min

Category: Angst

Warnings: Death, Blood

Check my Masterlist for more.

______________________

Everything Will Be Fine

Time stopped completely.

The sound of shouts, orders, blaster outbursts, and feet running across the battlefield turned into a mere background that was slowly devoured by a white noise that was beginning to stun her ears.

A piercing scream came through, flooding with terror the blood of those around him.

A lightsaber, a deep wound.

A body falling onto Kijimi's ground, staining the snow with her blood.

I've seen dark before, but not like this This is cold, this is empty, this is numb The life I knew is over, the lights are out Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb

The battle had begun a few days before reaching that planet. The First Order had received news that the rebels were in Kijimi making a temporary base, so a consensus was reached to exterminate them there once and for all.

There were rumors that Leia and the scavenger were there too. It was a golden opportunity that neither me nor Kylo could pass up. While Phasma prepared the troops and Hux finished defining the attack plan, we both retired to our quarters to prepare and spend some time alone before leaving to the hangar and heading to our destination.

That afternoon was like any other. While Kylo selected his robe for the battle, I set about polishing my sabers, regardless of having a lightsaber, I cannot leave behind my old swords, life companions throughout my journey on the dark side.

Once the preparations were completed, we consecrated to us, as every time before entering a fight. Our arms became our blanket, our lips our food, our movements our reason for life, and our moans our breath. Our mind became one, we were both one, we had decided that long time ago, this is how we wanted it to be, before we met, we both thought that we didn´t need someone in our lives, however, the Force united us and after that day, we couldn´t think of living a single moment away from the other.

I follow you around, I always have But you've gone to a place I cannot find This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

The night arrives. The ships were starting to line up to leave. The black shadow of the Upsilon-class awaited its owners, who made their presence known with a firm step. The first to appear in the hangar, making everyone turn to look at him, was Kylo, ​​with his huge black robe fluttering and the shrill sounds his boots made on the floor, behind him, a couple of steps away, I followed him closely, wearing a black robe of a lighter material than his, but with the same cut, following the bearing and the presence of my combat partner, my lover, my life.

The journey to our destination gave us a few more moments of privacy, and even though the mission was quite well defined, something inside me began to generate me anxiety, which didn´t go unnoticed by him, who tried to calm my catastrophic thoughts with his lips "Everything will be fine...", his eyes locked on mine as one of his hands caressed my cheek "You have nothing to worry about...". His lips connected again with mine "I´ll always be by your side".

Calm returned to me again, Kylo was my anchor, in the same way, that I was his, I would never doubt his word.

You are lost, hope is gone But you must go on And do the next right thing

A slight movement of the ship indicated that we had passed through Kijimi's atmosphere. All preparations for landing were ready. Once we were ashore and the hatch had opened, Kylo went to me to extend a hand, I could feel that those dire thoughts surrounded my mind once more. Without hesitation, I took his hand to guide me to the exit, once outside, a huge dawn light was present, while Kylo released my hand as we advanced. The ground was so white that it was difficult to see the horizon line.

Another bad omen crossed my mind as he took a few steps in front of me. In the distance, I could see how Hux accompanied by Phasma approached us, sure to inform us of the position of the troops, and the details of the terrain "Kylo..." I took advantage of the fact that our comrades were still at a distance to address him "I think I have never told you before, but…” a little confused by my behavior, he turned to look at me, I could notice how a bit concern manifested itself on his face, it was obvious that he could still perceive that something in my mind didn´t let me calm as a single tear came out of one of my eyes "But I love you...", a huge smile was his only response to my statement, a smile that in the middle of the winter cold warmed my heart and momentarily dispelled all my fears.

The rebels were located. Their base was a few miles from where we had landed and they were still unaware of our presence. According to Hux's reports, they were quite a few men and among them, in effect, were Senator Leia and the scavenger.

Can there be a day beyond this night? I don't know anymore what is true I can't find my direction, I'm all alone The only star that guided me was you

The troops advanced.

The Revelers didn't know we were there, so we had the element of surprise to our advantage. Little by little, the sound of the blasters began, alerting our opponents, who dispersed through the forest and started to respond to our fire.

Kylo and I entered the battlefield, eliminating in our path anyone who crossed us, our objective was clear, to locate the scavenger and Leia, subdue and reign them back to the Finalizer.

Whenever we were both on the battlefield we kept at a close distance from each other, that way we could potentiate our Force while taking care of ourselves, it was an implicit pact that we had agreed without speaking about it.

Even with the advantage on our part, we overestimate the numbers of the reveals. They were quite a few, but they didn´t pose a great problem, since many of them were men and women who had to become warriors out of necessity, while our troops, although smaller in number, were much better prepared.

How to rise from the floor? But it's not you I'm rising for

Between the chaos these bad soldiers caused, Kylo and I separated a little more than normal. I still had him within my field of vision and I knew he could feel that I was in his surroundings, so we didn´t give it much importance. A mistake that we should never have overlooked.

Among the screams close to me, I identified a familiar one, a growl to be exact, it was the Wookiee and wherever that furry beast is, Leia will always be at his side. I turned again to see Kylo, ​​he was still in my vicinity taking care of a group of men who had surrounded him, although they outnumbered him, he would have no problem eliminating them, it never represented a problem that he was surrounded, so I decided to get a little further away from him to go deeper into the forest to locate our target.

A look into the distance.

A lightsaber lighting up the surroundings in red.

When Leia turned to see me, she was still a few meters from me, but our presence was touching. Our eyes didn´t separate, we both followed each of our movements. It wasn´t the first time that we met, on other occasions we had shared the same air, and each time, her words tried to pierce my head. Leia never missed a single opportunity to try to bring me to the light, to talk to me about returning home with her son, to make me believe that there was another way. However, still far from her side, fighting for the dark, her son was already at home, he was with me and there was no other way but ours.

I could feel nothing but a great hatred for this woman, and although the objective was to capture them, every fiber in my body urged me to end her life at that moment. My step was firm and determined to reach it, my hand exploded in need to lift my saber, my blood was flooded with adrenaline, my heart was pounding. I had waited for that moment for a long time and all my surroundings disappeared.

Just do the next right thing Take a step, step again It is all that I can to do The next right thing

An oversight, I never saw her come. I overestimate my opponent. I overestimate the scavenger. In a twist, a second turning my back on her was more than enough for her lightsaber to sink into my chest, piercing me completely.

In the distance, after following me for a few minutes and now positioned a few meters from me, Kylo obtained the worst image of his entire life. Me, standing, holding the hand of the scavenger, who was still holding her lightsaber, and a huge blue light outcoming from my back.

The scavenger switched off her weapon and took a few steps back, incredulous of what she just did, while a scream dull any other sounds present, one of terror, despair, and deep pain that emerged from Kylo's throat.

Everything stopped. Those who were around us stopped their activities to witness what was happening.

Kylo's legs started running automatically to where I was, while my body fell onto my back and hit the snow starting to stain it crimson red.

Time stopped.

Anger and revenge had led me down the wrong path.

I won't look too far ahead It's too much for me to take But break it down to this next breath, this next step This next choice is one that I can make

A few steps from reaching me, Kylo's lightsaber fell to the ground still on, while his body skidded to the ground to hold my body, his knees positioned to my side, a buzz began to present itself in my ears and my eyes momentarily clouded.

I could feel a raucous pain at the height of my sternum, slowly the buzzing began to disappear and I could recognize his voice "No, no, no, no...", the pain was still present, growing. I coughed a few times, a metallic taste flooded my mouth, almost immediately after this, the pain disappeared "Calm down, everything will be fine..." I understood that the pain must have been from the hands of Kylo who was trying to press my wound to stop the bleeding "You're going to be fine...", one of his hands was placed under my head to lift it a little, causing a growl to escape my lips "Damn..." he whispered and the silence continued for a few more seconds.

Nothing moved around us.

No one else spoke.

Everything was starting to go down.

So I'll walk through this night Stumbling blindly toward the light And do the next right thing And, with it done, what comes then?

Kylo took me in his arms to place me on his lap and with one of his hands, he hold my cheek. I began to feel how my limbs became heavy and the cold of the snow began to penetrate every pore of my skin.

I felt tired, very tired, I needed to rest my eyes a little "No, no, no!" he pressed my cheek a little more tightly "Don't close your eyes, don't sleep!" his forehead pressed against mine and I could feel his warm tears falling on my cheeks "I can´t do anything..." he whisper, the only that I could do at that moment was saw him, still a little blur "Please, don't leave me..." in a last effort to make me feel better, he pressed my body to his, his hug grew stronger, but this time, I didn´t felt pain "Not you..." the mist that covered my eyes for an instant was dissipating, I could see a little more his features, turned into a reflection of despair, his eyes were red and covered with tears.

Although I knew what was going to follow, I didn´t feel fear, there was only a huge feeling of sadness to see him like this, I couldn´t allow it, I needed to change that ending "Kylo..." with the little strength I had left, I shakily lift one of my hands to caress his face "No, please..." he told me, and immediately, when I put my hand on his cheek, he covered it with his pressing hard, the breath was escaping from me, a few more coughs with blood came out of my mouth, but I had to do something, I had to say something to him "Calm down, everything will be fine...", his eyes filled with even more tears and his mouth immediately sought mine.

His lips were desperate, as if the last answer to what was happening could be solved with that kiss. Eventually he stopped, his mouth and mine were almost joined, his breath bathed the cold skin of my face with one last feeling of warmth, with the little energy I still had left, I drew a last smile for him "I´ll always be by your side..." his breathing broke into sobs.

His body clung to mine, his arms hugged me tightly, while my body sank into a deep lightness "Please..." he whispered over and over in my ear until I stopped listening to him.

Eventually there I lay. An inert, heavy and cold body in his arms.

A place in the snowy forest painted with blood.

A silent, expectant crowd.

A man holding on to the last hope he had.

A promise of a lost eternity.

A story with no happy ending.

When it's clear that everything will never be the same again Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice And do the next right thing

[rainyvoidwhispers]

Thank You, Min Yoongi for D-2

Yoongi saved 2020.

Or at least, he saved my 2020.

During the first few months of the pandemic he flooded Twitter and Weverse with beautiful selfies, started his painting vlogs on YouTube, participated in a historic Just Dance Vlive with Jimin and Jin, and gave us the best Saturday mornings with his weekly Honey FM 06.13 radio show that lead up to the 2020 Festa.

And finally, he gave the greatest gift of all: D-2. His second mixtape as Agust D.

I don't think I can ever express how much D-2 means to me. How this album, and in particular the tracks: "28" and "People" made me want to kill myself less.

I was at my breaking point in May of 2020. I was 26. Still living with my mother, in a state and city I didn't want to be in. Working two jobs (one of which I absolutely hated) that had nothing to do with what I went to university for. I had zero motivation to write, read, or do anything. My closets friends were 1,000 of miles away. And with the new pandemic I felt completely and totally stuck and isolated. I felt like a failure. I wanted to know why I was still living and what there was to live for. I wanted to die.

All of these emotions had building and been sitting in my head and over my entire being like a shadow for so long, that when I first listened and read the lyrics to "28", it felt like someone had grabbed me by the hand and said, "I see what you are going through and I've felt it too".

I cried so hard that night.

"28" almost feels like Yoongi has known me for years. Or at least since 2017.

The themes of dreams, BTS talks about throughout their discography has always connected with me. I've had a specific dream since middle school. And pursued that dream as much as I could. But, I have felt stuck ever since. For the past 3 years my mind has been in an endless loop of asking these exact words Yoongi sings:

"Where did the fragments of my dream go"?

"I thought I'd change when I turned twenty / I thought I'd change when I graduated"

"Though I'm breathing / it feels like my heart has broken down"

I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt like someone understood, and wanted to let me know that they understood.

And then when I finally read "People", my god. That was like getting a hug after the raw emotions from "28".

Even without the lyrics, just hearing the first few notes of that song. It brings a wave of warmth and love that cannot be described.

Yoongi sings:

"Sometimes you might be in pain again / Sometimes you might get upset and shed tears / What about it / If you live like that what about it"

The only time I've ever gotten permission/reassurance to feel this sadness and fear of failure is from my therapist and friends. And at the time, I think it had been awhile since hearing that. Thank you Yoongi for telling me that.

I really wanted to go in depth about the lyricism of "28" and "People" and what they mean to me and a lot of other armies. But, in the end I just really wanted to express how much gratitude I have for Yoongi for writing these songs, and all of D-2.

Currently, I'm doing much better now. I'm on anti-depressants. I'm currently at a job I really like, and actually has some connection to what I actually want to do with my life. And I'm getting closer to possibly being able to live on my own before the end of this year.

I never saw this happening for me last year. And I truly believe I wouldn't have never been able to seen it had it not been for D-2 and Yoongi.

So, thank you Yoongi for releasing D-2 and for doing your absolute best to stay connected with us, and distracting us from the shitty situations happening in our lives. Thank you for always being honest and open with us, as much as you can.

Thank you for saving me in May 2020.

[laytonsartblog]

The Best of Worst Days

Economic Crisis AU

Ch. 1, Ch. 2

Warning: this content has violence, poverty, guns, starvation, hypothermia, dysfunctional family themes, and dystopian themes. Read when comfortable and in a safe spot. Care for yourself.

--

Patton has a schedule he dedicates his life to.

First, to get up at five.

Then take a shower, standing in a bucket.

Why a bucket? To catch the dirty water.

After his shower, Patton will put that murky liquid into a filter to drain out all the gunk and make him and his son breakfast while he's waiting. Once he's finished with all of that, he takes the filtered water and pours it into empty water bottles and then throws them into his tiny icebox.

Proceeding is obviously to wake up his adorable little four-year-old Virgil and eat with him until it's time to go at six-thirty, and walk Virgil to his pre-k daycare with the rest of breakfast and the fresh water bottle as lunch.

From that point on it's just to get to his work at the construction site by seven and work until two pm, and pick Virgil up to bring home.

They play and eat and maybe visit the park for two hours, then Patton has to get to his other job down the block at a small crafts store by five, which is where he'll be until midnight, then walk all the way back home and fall flat on his face to sleep on the floor.

Simple, right?

Yes, well, there's this thing called sleep depriviation and insomnia that gets in the way.

When Patton wakes up as he does every day, his tired eyes make their way to the clock before bulging out of his head. It's six am.

He scrambled to get Virgil up and about. "Virgil!" Patton whispered as he gently shook his son's shoulders. "Virgil, Papa's running late for work, you need to make your own sandwich while I get ready, okay?"

Virgil merely whined and curled in closer to his thin blanket.

"Pleeeeeease?" Patton pleaded. "I know it's a bit sudden and I usually let you sleep in more, but Papa can't do everything at once, okay?"

Virgil finally sat up and groaned, wiping his eyes. "S'okay, Papa. I'll help."

Patton smiled softly as Virgil clumsily went about to his little cubby to grab a clean shirt and shorts to change into, before remembering the time and running off to change too.

Patton came out of the bathroom with his expendable construction t shirt and jeans and stared at the time; six-thirty.

"Come on, Virgil," Patton urged gently as he picked his boy up. "We're gonna need to skip breakfast today, but I'll leave you some money to get something at the cafeteria, okay?"

Virgil nodded sleepily against Patton's chest. "Okay, Papa..."

Patton sighed contentedly as he continued to hold Virgil on the rest of the walk to the daycare before placing him gently down in front of the door. He fished in his pockets for change.

"Don't worry, honey, I'll have something here somewhere..." Patton trailed off as he continued to search through his pockets for maybe even a dime, but, no, there was nothing. Patton gave up his search with a sigh. "Well, kiddo, I- I think you'll need to ask for some of your friend's extra snacks, or maybe one of the teachers to get you something because Papa doesn't- Papa doesn't have the money."

Virgil looked like his rubber duck had just been melted and Patton almost teared up at the sight. He hated having to starve his own son because he couldn't get the money.

Virgil ran up and hugged Patton's skinny legs. "Is okay, Papa, 'm okay, Papa go job," he mumbled into the cloth of Patton's jeans. "I go play now." He ran off like a wolf into the night into the daycare, rushing to play with the fun trains. A complete switch.

Patton would have broke down then if it weren't for the fact he was on the clock.

He ran to the site he was supposed to be working on, just two or three miles away. When he got there, however, his manager stood with a tapping shoe and folded arms.

"Look who finally showed up!" she snarked, red luxerious lipstick painted bright to announciate every twisted syllable.

Patton's shoulders went sky high to hide his paler-than-average face. "I-I am so sorry, ma'am," he apologized. "I didn't mean to- my son, I had to drop him off to daycare, and he was being fussy, so-"

Patton didn't like to lie, but it was the only way for him to keep the job. If she found out it was because he woke up late? A big fat 'FIRED' notice would appear in his p.o. box.

The woman sighed. Her foot stopped tapping, but her arms stayed crossed. "Listen..." she started. "You seem to work hard and you've got a kid to take care of. I get it. Times like these in this stupid country can be tough."

Patton felt some hope glimmer in his chest. Perhaps just a warning?

"But that doesn't exclude the fact you've been late four times this month, fainted twice from exhaustion, and spread the cough to my workers last winter."

Patton's heart sank back to where it was before.

"That's why... I need to let you go. It's hard work and I cannot have tardiness and exhaustion running my construction equipment."

And that's when Patton's heart went all the way down to Hell.

"You're... I'm... I'm fired?" Patton gasped out, almost as if he couldn't believe it; or rather, didn't want to.

His manager nodded. "I'm so sorry, Patton, you seem like a fine worker. You're just not cut out for working early hours on tough plaster with a kid to take care of and a whole load of sleep problems."

Patton's hands felt numb but slimy. He was sweating but he couldn't even tell if it was hot. All he felt was cold; cold dread, cold guilt, cold everything.

"I-I'm sorry, maybe I could- maybe you could move me down to textile ordering management?" Patton tried not to let that determined little speck of hope reach too high in his voice; it still strained of heartbreak either way.

Her bright red lips frowned and her mascara-covered eyes closed. "I'm sorry, Patton, but those spots are all full. If you wanted to really work there, you could be the mission boy, but that's significantly lesser pay, and may conflict with the schedule you're on."

Patton sighed, his hope and heart finally settling in a dark chasm in his chest. "Thank you for at least concerning it, ma'am, I'll- I'll be on my way, now."

With a racking breath and wobbly knees, Patton turned away and walked back home. Once through the door, he sat on the small mattress Virgil used and began to sob.

"I can't feed my child, I lost my job, and bills are coming up! What the hell am I to do?" Patton yelled as he bawled into his hands.

Every part of him screamed and ached. He needed sleep, he needed rest, he needed something to eat, he needed his child to hold dear, he just needed; but he can never have what he wants, especially like the sad sack of debt and depression he was.

Patton couldn't exactly tell how long he had cried for, but the next time he looked up at the clock, it was eight am. He figured that the library was open, so he might as well head over there for a free read to calm down.

That, and free wifi and computer access.

Patton tried to make himself not look like the outside rendition of how he was feeling on the inside as he walked along the craggy sidewalks to the nearby city library. His attempts to cover up the way his hair sagged and his eyes pulsed didn't exactly prove fruitful as people walked by in sympathy or disgust. Their reactions only made Patton's heart clench more.

After he finished his three mile walk, he practically ghosted through the library doors; he looked as much, anyway, with his pale face and sunken eyes.

The librarian from across the room lowered his sunglasses, intrigued and a little suspicious.

The depression hit almost everyone, yes, but that didn't mean that hobos possibly addicted to meth were a person Remy was begging to listen to on a Monday morning in a damn library. Remy was not awake enough to tell the raggedy middle aged patron this wasn't the back alley to sneak some crack in before making his way back on the streets to ask for a job, so Remy just adjusted his sunglasses and resumed looking up sugar daddies on his phone.

Patton ignored the stares from the young librarian and instead went to the computer, taking out his library card and typing out the number and sending it in. After waiting for what seemed like hours, the internet finally decided to load the computer up and allow Patton to search for more loan applications and job openings.

However, he came up empty handed.

The jobs either weren't paying enough, required a higher degree than a high school diploma, or were simply too far away. The loans? They would cause more debt; Patton was better off without more false promises.

There was a website Patton was interested in, though, that he found while scrolling through the Google search "friend finding": GetAlong.

GetAlong, apparently, was a free penpal website people could use do the same as texting without having to pay for it. Except, there's a twist; the people you meet are strangers. They could be from across the country, across the planet, your next-door neighbor, anyone who signs up with the site is eligible for you to meet. You could message eachother, send pictures, videos, links, live feeds, and sticker-like emoji; all within the website.

The only consolation is for it to be anonymous. The only information you can put is your first name, your age, your gender, and maybe some things you're interested in. The rest is to fill in for yourself after you meet them.

The reason Patton was so interested is because he needed someone to talk to. Sure, he had Virgil to play with on bad days, and he had his coworker Roman from the crafts store he still worked at, but other than that? No family, no friends, and no help.

Perhaps this website could at least bring him some happiness.

So Patton, with a lot more time on his hands and feeling a lot more distraught than normal, signed up.

Patton Gentile, 32, trans-male. I like knitting, snuggling up in the winter, and taking care of my son. Hope to give you a happy hello soon!

Patton stared back at the words on the screwn with his fingers hovering over the keyboard, motionless.

Was this really all I needed to say? he thought. Did I need to say more, or less?

He decided to get it over with and hit send, leaving his mark on the world.

----------------------------------------

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@amazable01 @vara-albion