#2/2 destroyed me

[rin-solo]

I DECIDE THE TRUTH // 2/2/20XX; Goro Akechi

Just a little something that I wrote on 2/2/2023 because I couldn’t stop thinking about Akechi and how he spent that night alone, and because I have many thoughts on what he may have been thinking that deserve to be shared and heard.

This will also eventually go into my log fanfiction “To decide the Truth” that is essentially a retelling of the 3rd semester in form of personal log entries by Akechi, it will be the last chapter/log in the book (I pre-wrote it now because of aforementioned reasons.) The beginning of this fanfiction is already available to read on Ao3 and Quotev, if you’re interested.

Click “keep reading” to read an originally handwritten log entry by Goro Akechi, written on the night between 2/2 and 2/3/20XX.

Major spoilers, a bit of cussing, and dark themes warning :)

***

2/2; Night

I want to matter but I don’t.

I already told him that I don’t matter but I want to

I don’t matter because I can’t matter. Because if I matter, that makes it harder, for them, for me, for every fucking person involved but I want to matter I want to

No, I don’t want to matter. That’s why I haven’t told anyone. That’s why I didn’t want anyone to know because if I matter, if this turns into a decision about me, then I’m the one blackmailing them with my life, forcing them to weigh it against the weight of the entire world.

I don’t fucking want any of it. I don’t want that decision to be influenced by such factors. I don’t want this reality. There’s nothing here but fakeness. Manipulated, fabricated, false fakeness that isn’t worth even a second thought. That’s what I decided, no? I decided. I DECIDED.

Why am I even sitting here in this alley? I should go back to my apartment and rest, prepare... I’ll need the strength for tomorrow.

He said he’d go through with the fight.

He promised he would.

He said it like that’s HIS decision to make. Like he’s the one with the most to lose. But every decision is his, isn't it? THE SHEER AUDACITY TO ASSUME

I do wonder sometimes, even if only fleetingly, what would happen if I told them... their whole little righteous hero team. If I asked them to not do it, to let me have what Maruki is promising... a new chance, a new life... could they still do it, I wonder? If I'd be begging.

Obviously, that’s all bullshit because I don’t matter and I am sick of people acting like I do.

I’ll die disappear.

So what?

SO WHAT?!

It’s a single shitty, miserable existence that’s already long beyond the hope of saving, against your entire, precious humanity. What’ll it be? That choice is easy.

It’s a lie. There is no chance anyway. I don’t want this fucking chance. It’s not even a chance. It’s only one more miserable piece of oh-so enticing manipulation.

I’M DONE BEING MANIPULATED.

I don’t know why I’m here and not in my apartment. I don’t know why I’m writing by hand either. I can’t type this, I have to write it with my bare hands. I don’t feel like sleeping, but I should. If I can’t give it my all tomorrow, I won’t forgive myself.

I don’t matter because so what if I have nothing to go back to? EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE DOES. Their fates are theirs as well. Their paths are theirs. They’ll live, they’ll thrive, and they’ll face the consequences of their own actions as well. They deserve nothing less... but nothing more either. IT’S JUSTICE.

The world belongs to humanity, not to Maruki. Their lives belong to them. AND MINE IS MINE. So what if I want to feel like I matter? That desire is meaningless compared to what needs to be done. What I want to do. WHAT I NEED TO DO.

I want to strangle Maruki for what he’s done to me. For what he’s still doing to me.

FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I MATTER BECAUSE I DON’T.

FOR GIVING ME A CHANCE THAT ISN’T A CHANCE AT ALL.

The worst part is, I think that he honestly believes it. That he’s giving me a chance. That this is an option I could ever seriously consider. What kind of chance is this, to be unfree yet again? To live in a reality that is created and maintained by forces outside of my control?

I sometimes do imagine what it’d be like. What I could have here, what he’d give to me if I submitted. Would it be anything like what the last month's been like? Like a second chance. A LIFE. A life worth living? But that’s not how the world works. If you live in a reality where all your sins can be erased with the snap of a finger, no consequences, no repercussions... where is the incentive to not keep sinning? I don’t want my sins erased. They’re mine, I chose to commit them, and I have no regrets. I am who I am because of the choices I made, and you cannot force me to refrain from suffering their consequences, Maruki.

I’M DEAD.

Stop making me feel like I’m not. Stop. STOP.

I will keep resisting. It’s not an unprovable theory anymore, it’s confirmed and real, but I won’t be made to stop resisting. I’ll resist until I physically can’t anymore. Until I’m finally dead, as I should be.

It wouldn’t even work, I sometimes think. A reality where everyone is happy, according to their individual desires. What if an individual’s happiness doesn’t align with the group’s? What if their happiness hinges on the group’s unhappiness? For example, what if this individual wants something, but the group doesn’t? Are their desires weighed against each other, and the stronger desire wins? If the individual’s desire is stronger than the group’s, wouldn’t he be forcing his wish on the group? Wouldn’t he be forcing himself on

Could this reality even satisfy me? I won’t live in a reality that was created to satisfy someone else any longer. Sometimes I feel like I’ve never lived in a reality that was all my own. Like some malignant god was pulling the strings behind the scenes, in someone else’s favor, and there was never any chance of winning from the start.

But isn't saying something like that just a pathetic attempt to make an excuse for my own failures?

Point is, I won’t allow my fate to be in the hands of others for a second longer. No human and no god can tell me that I matter. That I am to die or to live.

I DECIDE MY PATH.

I’m not your PAWN or your PUZZLE PIECE to fall into place wherever you see fit. I’m not playing your game.

I WON’T PLAY YOUR GAME ANY LONGER.

Want me alive, invisible force trying to pull my strings? Too bad.

It’s your own fault, really, for deciding for yourself that I am supposed to matter. Go care about someone actually worth the effort.

I WON’T LIVE JUST FOR YOUR SATISFACTION.

I don’t matter. I always wanted to matter but I also don’t think this is my story or my happy ending. But I’ll be damned if I don’t make it into something fate won’t see coming.

THIS ISN’T OVER YET.

Maybe that’s why I am here... why am I fighting this false god with them all tomorrow... I want to do this on my own terms. I want to do something that matters. There is no second chance that will last for me, but there was a choice, nonetheless. To DIE or to FIGHT. I could've easily given in and ended myself on the spot... left all this to the Thieves and don’t even give Maruki the satisfaction of seeing me trapped here.

But I chose to face him together with the rest of them, and do something that matters. SOMETHING TO PROVE FATE WRONG. I won’t miss this chance. It’s the only true chance he’s given me and I hope he’s unaware of it.

Is that selfish? To resist my given role and refuse to fall into place? I don’t even know if I’d care if it were. But the world will go to fucking shit if I don’t do something about it. THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DO. There’s something fucking correct that I can do here and THAT IS THE PATH I CHOSE.

Just try and stop me.

YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS FROM ME.

But even with all that, I don’t know why I’m still here. It’s cold as fuck and it just started snowing. I can barely write. I should probably get these pages covered before they are drenched. Then again, nobody will ever read this, it will be gone tomorrow, just like this entire fucked up reality, so why not? Let it be smudged and washed away by the snow, it’s probably for the best.

I can’t see Leblanc from here but maybe that’s for the best too. If I went back, I could delude myself that I matter one last time, maybe. Would there be any leftover coffee? Or just... something warm. Something like home.

I’M NOT GOING BACK.

I want to feel alive. I want to look inside myself and see a power that I can wear proudly, but all I feel is indifference. It’s all come together, there is no separation, no lies, and no hate. There is anger and determination, and fear. So much fucking fear. I’m no longer lies or hate. Not even both combined.

I AM RESOLVE.

That is all that matters. It matters that I do not fold. I WILL NOT FOLD.

I will take back MY reality, with my own hands. It’s empty and lonely, so fucking lonely all over again, and whatever else death will entail, but it’s MINE.

I don’t matter because I’m not the hero of this story, but the world needs saving, and even though I’m not even remotely going to be anyone’s first choice for the job, I’ll be damned if I don’t do it properly.

Someone has to do it. Someone has to decide.

AND I DECIDE THE TRUTH.

[lesbinewren]

we need to make using chatgpt embarrassing bc sorry it really is. what do you mean you can’t write an email

[eriochromatic]

You dip out, and the whole world flips over...

[arcanefanpage]

And just for a moment they both recognized their sister

[twenty-qs]

Everything between Jayce and Viktor can really be traced back to their childhood inciting incidents and it’s killing me.

Jayce: a miracle saves him and his mom, forever imprinting him with the certainty that miracles do exist, they can be controlled, he can save his loved ones no matter how awful things get, if he can just be smart and bold and quick enough.

Viktor: he saw the horror of what Singed had done—of forcing a creature to live against its will, of the degradation and terror of being fundamentally changed. For a while he thought he understood Singed, when he decided that he was willing to throw away all his principles to survive his own body. But he didn’t, really. He didn’t understand. There was still a line he would not cross. He wanted to die human.

It’s fitting, then, and unspeakably tragic, that Jayce is the one who played Singed’s role in the end. Because you can’t ask Jayce to let a loved one go, when he knows there’s a miracle that can save him, the solution is right there, it will work if you will just let him try—and so he forces a change onto Viktor against his will. He traps him into the Arcane, takes apart and reassembles his body, strips him of his selfhood and humanity. All so that Viktor will live. Singed wasn’t talking about the desperation not to die—he was talking about the desperation not to lose someone you love.

And so Viktor is…changed. He lives, whether he wants to or not.

And so Jayce loses him anyway.

[crazycometspecular]

No cabe duda que es verdad que la costumbre

Es más fuerte que el amor

[peblezq]

Good Omens 2 was like reading a 100k fanfic in the middle of the night that you realize was left unfinished and last updated 5 years ago, and you are left alone with this earth-shattering cliffhanger

[shroomwar]

These two idiots kill me because what Crowley is hearing from Aziraphale is, “I am able to look past your demonic nature because I love you so much, but if there was a way, I would change that part of you” and what Crowley wants to hear is, “I look at all of you and I love all of you”

Meanwhile Aziraphale’s actually saying, “I love every version of you that I’ve known, but I miss the smile you had when I met you and I would give anything to bring that joy back”

[maiaczy]

Sometimes taking a leap forward means leaving a few things behind.

[fexjam]

♟️Let him believe that he's winning

[vi-is-badass]

Here are some really interesting screenshots from the trailer:

[auchaczer]

so, when you leave me, i should die

i deserve it, don't i?

[eerizon]

in another life, maybe.

+ the kiddos

a timeline where they actually work things out and get therapy and are just happy.

[hyuckonia]

very first 10 seconds of the tsum event and Kalim getting beaned by his tsum and lilia was like "oh guess i wasnt fast enough to stop it myb bro" SHUT UPPPDNAHAAJHA KALIMS SCREAM HAD ME LAUGHING SO HARD I WAS GUNNA CRY whatever i love them so badLMAOOOOO

[arcanefanpage]

Jinx saying this BROKE me

[milk-ducts]

late christmas drawing ,, was really torn between reposting this or not !! i feel like ive lost my edge n all but i liked how the faces turned out 🥲 its unrendered and unfinished in some places but my awesome moots convinced me 2 post it here !! so u have them to thank for … hehehej… i love them alot and have been writing sm drabbles of ambereve ..;