#1992Films

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle (1992)

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle belongs to that genre of thriller we’ve all kinda seen/know about. You think your life is ok when you suddenly realize that person close to you has snapped and now poses a danger. Think Single White Female or Fatal Attraction. It might not have the same level of thrills or innovation as the most well-known entries but certainly in the top half of the "genre".

Claire Bartel (Annabella Sciorra) reports her new obstetrician to the police after he molests her during a routine check-up. After other women come forward with similar complaints and Dr. Victor Mott (John de Lancie) commits suicide the Bartels think their troubles are over. They don't realize Mott’s grieving widow (Rebecca De Mornay) has taken a job as their nanny and is just waiting for the right moment to strike.

I'll give credit to the film for being frank with the audience. At no point do you suspect Mrs. Mott (who assumes the name of Peyton) to be anything but sinister. She’s wormed her way into the home of the people she holds responsible for her husband’s death. You watch her intensely, scrutinizing her every move to try and figure out what she’s thinking, what her ultimate plan is. You’re engaged by this wolf in sheep’s clothing and also by Claire, her husband Michael (Matt McCoy), her young daughter Emma (Madeline Zima), and the Bartel's baby. Will the family discover what's happening before it’s too late? What kind of twisted fate does Peyton have in store for them?

Writer Amanda Silver made several intelligent decisions in her writing. The deception is convincing and delightfully twisted. When Peyton makes a mistake, she shows herself as quick-witted and devious. She shrugs off enough suspicion for the film to keep going and escalate. The side characters are elegantly handled. Julianne Moore as Claire’s best friend is a highlight - it's too bad her screen time is limited. Ernie Hudson also appears in the film as a mentally handicapped worker. Him, I kept a very close eye upon and was pleasantly surprised. He leans a little towards being a cuddly saint, but the man has a distinct personality, is integral to the plot, is capable of being both a victim and a hero, and the performance is tasteful.

You might call the setup a little contrived, or say Peyton gets her nanny job a bit too easily. You're not entirely wrong but without the situation, there wouldn’t be a movie so that’s fine. It’s a perfectly enjoyable thriller, though the ending is not particularly strong, simply because it’s the same kind of ending that all of these films have. Still, as a rental, even as a film you could add to your collection and watch every few years or so, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle offers good characters, performances, and thrills. (On DVD, August 1, 2016)

[thisbeautifulscene]

Wicked City, dir. Tai Kit Mak, 1992

[cinematic-anarchy]

🥋 SIDEKICKS 🥋 🎥Barry (Jonathan Brandis) is in anxiety ridden and asthmatic highschooler who daydreams to the point of almost a vivid hallucination about being Chuck Norris‘s sidekick, as an escape From the school bully who torments him on a daily basis, the drill instructor/school gym teacher (Richard Moll), and the self-centered and over egotistical karate teacher (Joe Piscopo). Seeing potential in daydreaming Barry, his teacher Mrs Chen (Julie Nickson) sets up a meeting with her eccentric uncle Mr. Lee (Mako Iwamatsu) who decides to teach Barry the ways of karate to help him find better focus and to protect himself.🎥 Not exactly a critically acclaimed movie, but honestly , to hell with critics. This was a overall decent performance by the late Jonathan Brandis, and A fun and memorable early 90s teen/action flick. and of course, what kid that loved watching action films, didn’t dream of joining Chuck Norris on a mission, or standing side-by-side with him in a fight? 6.25/10 Rounding out the rest of the cast…. Beau Bridges as Jerry Grabewski Danica McKellar as Lauren John Buchanan as Randy Cellini Dennis Berkeley as Hank #sidekicks1992 #sidekicks #chucknorris #jonathanbrandis #1992film #1992 #actionmovie #comedymovies #actioncomedy #karate #beaubridges (at Haverhill, Massachusetts) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRnT4hcF6UW/?utm_medium=tumblr

[mahtini]

• slade leads donna in a spectacular tango on the dance floor. that night, he hires a female escort... #happybirthday #alpacino #porunacabeza #scentofawoman #1992film (at Bangkok, Thailand)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

Oh, I bet I’ll catch some shrapnel for this one, but I'll proudly die on this hill. Ferngully: The Last Rainforest is a generic 90’s Disney wannabe. None of the characters are interesting, the songs are unmemorable, the jokes bad, and the message nice… but hamfisted. Think I’m wrong? Let's go through memory lane together, then we’ll see who’s wrong.

Deep inside the FernGully rainforest live the fairies. Mankind and fairies lived together once upon a time, but a malevolent spirit named Hexxus (voiced by Tim Curry) drove the two species apart. When fairy Crysta (voiced by Samantha Mathis) accidentally uses her magic to shrink a logger named Zak (voiced by Jonathan Ward) down to fairy size, they must set aside their animosity to prevent Hexxus from escaping from his prison and destroying FernGully.

This is yet another children’s film trying to capture the magic of Disney's Renaissance era without understanding what made those films great. Why is there a love plot in this film? Is it a love story? No, it’s a lesson about the environment but since it features two protagonists of the opposite gender they must fall in love. It doesn’t matter that they have no chemistry or interests in common. Why is it a musical? Because the biggest-grossing animated films are musicals! So what if none of its songs are memorable, good, or even reinforce the message; The Little Mermaid did it, so we have to do it too.

To be fair, the message is nice and children will probably learn something from it, even if the delivery is so over-the-top it alienates the audience. Hexxus isn't a greedy corporate fat cat that started off as a regular guy and then over time became corrupted by greed, like the Lorax. He’s an evil spirit that eats pollution and lives to destroy the environment. Does that sound like someone you could teach a lesson to? The fairies and the rainforest aren't much better. There’s no subtlety and every character is as thin as the sheets of paper used to bring them to life. It's like the film did no research at all, going so far as to blame the logging industry for cutting down the rainforest when farmers and the cattle industry are responsible for its destruction.

Those aren't necessarily reasons to dismiss a film but bad writing is. The characters are not compelling and the events they live through are predictable. Crysta undergoes no change or growth. She simply meets up with Zak and a pop culture joke-spewing Bat named Batty (I bet they had to slave for hours to come up with that one) voiced by Robin Williams. It's followed by typical rom-com stuff with some fish-out-of-water comedy thrown in. You know Zak’s lies will be exposed at some point, that it will cause the couple to "break up". Thank goodness Hexxus shows up to bring them together once more. His arrival should be terrifying. Crysta has been wasting all this time falling in love and from his appearance, you can tell the death cloud monster is a mighty opponent. Except their conflict means nothing. The two have never met before. She hasn’t been searching for some new strategy to defeat the monster while he approaches. Zak being there doesn’t mean a whole lot either. She doesn’t learn why people cut down trees, what she or anyone in the audience could do to stop it from happening and the two civilizations will not be any closer once the film is over.

When I see FernGully, I see people who were so busy patting themselves on the back they didn’t bother second-guessing any of the choices they made. The animation is fine but it's nothing spectacular. You'd never listen to the soundtrack on its own. Oh, Tim Curry sings a memorable song you say? Does he really? Or would you rather just listen to rejected outtakes of I Can Make You a Man.

If you want to teach your children about the environment, go outside and read The Lorax. FernGully: The Last Rainforest is no substitute. It's the kind of picture you remember liking and think will hold up but doesn't. (On VHS, March 18, 2016)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1992)

If you are a fan of bad movies, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky is essential viewing. This violent prison film is so over-the-top and features such obvious and terrible special effects that it's consistently hilarious. Watch the English dub to get the maximum enjoyment.

Ricky (Fan Siu-wong) is a super-powered, nearly invincible fighter sent to prison after avenging the death of his girlfriend (or is it sister?). The facility he's been sentenced to is no joke. Prisoners are regularly murdered by the ruling gangs (an easy task considering they all have ready access to several wood-working tools) and the wardens are using the prison as a front for illegal operations. It’s time for Ricky to take out the trash and that means killing a whole lotta people with his bare hands.

When I look for the “perfect bad movie”, this has got it all. The special effects are bad. If the gore had been rendered realistically, it would be traumatic to see. With its fake dummies that land on the ground with a thud, gallons of blood, rubber severed limbs, obvious makeup, inflatable prosthetic heads, visible strings, and embarrassing puppet mutants, this movie cannot be taken seriously. The story is so preposterous you couldn't even if the special effects were good. There’s really no plot; just an excuse to get Ricky from one over-the-top fight to the next. Characters are introduced just so they can be killed in an “emotionally impactful” moment or to explain something about Ricky’s past and then never show up again.

If you’re going to have a bad story, you better complement it with wooden performances and jaw-dropping dialogue. I can't attest to the quality of the original Cantonese script. For all I know it was Shakespearian in its prose and language. The English dub gives us such gems as “You’ve got a lot of guts Oscar!” A line that by itself sounds harmless, but when you keep in mind that it’s uttered after Oscar pulls out his intestines to use as a weapon, it’s something else.

Take five different people, make them watch Riki-Oh and they will all single out a different scene as their favorite. It might be the bald guy who clearly shaved the top of his skull to make it look like he's losing his hair. Perhaps the people's ability to pull 2-foot swords out of nowhere, or that no one seems to notice wooden boards donned with nails on the ground until they’re embedded in their faces. This movie’s fight scenes are like something out of Dragon Ball Z mixed with Mortal Kombat, but with infinitely flatter characters and action that always results in broken bones or a revelation that all along, they were just made out of bags filled with random chunks of meat and gore.

When you think Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki has gotten as crazy as it can, it once again tops itself. This is the kind of movie that you want to have in the background of your party because everyone who catches a glimpse of what’s going on will be amazed/baffled and will have a good laugh. I wouldn’t change a single eyeball popping, jaw destruction, X-ray punch, androgynous martial arts fighter, or exploding head. (Original English Dub on DVD, September 11, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Single White Female (1992)

For what it is, Single White Female is an imperfect - but good - movie. Since its release in 1992, it's been imitated to death, which can make it "predictable" but I won't hold this erotic thriller's success against it.

After Allison (Bridget Fonda) breaks up with her fiancé and puts an ad asking for a roommate (Single White Female seeking professional roommate), she settles on Hedra “Hedy” Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh). Hedy becomes more than a roommate. She's a great friend. She goes above and beyond to help Allison by confronting her ex-fiancé when he refuses to leave her alone (Steven Weber plays Sam, the ex) and comforting her whenever things are tough. Unfortunately, this affection is hiding a dangerously unstable personality.

It’s hard to say exactly how much of this film is predictable. I’ve seen it all before but only in movies that came after Single White Female. At times it does everything you expect it to - but not always. The conclusion, for instance, subverts your expectations by doing something completely different. Certain elements unique to this film make it better than your run-of-the-mill killer roommate/stepfather/adopted sibling/godmother. For instance, the casting: both Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh have that plain girl look that makes them attractive (you get to see both of them naked, and often, as this is an erotic thriller) and as the movie progresses, you realize how similar they look. It isn’t immediately obvious, but as Hedy begins to change her wardrobe, her mannerisms, and hair… they almost become twins. You didn't see the resemblance right away, which adds a whole new level of creepiness. What will Allison do with this skill? Frame her? Take over her identity?

The picture also works as an erotic thriller. There’s even some stuff thrown in there for the ladies (assuming the idea of seeing Leigh and/or Fonda naked doesn’t appeal to you). It’s got moments to make you feel all icky about sex, but also some that will get you aroused. You may be able to foresee what's coming but when you think about it, that’s the case for most movies. Couples get together, villains get defeated, bombs get defused. This is another reason not to hold the "standard" elements of Single White Female against it. There are times where these could've been handled more elegantly. Overall, it’s pretty good, and even when you hit a rough patch, the actresses keep you watching.

I don’t want to make it sound like I am apologizing for Single White Female. It's worth a watch even if you've seen some of the many knockoffs (The Roommate) or other, eerily similar pictures (Fatal Attraction for example). It’s a good movie with some pleasant surprises, more than a few clever moments, compelling performances, and a great climax. That’s more than enough to recommend any film. (On DVD, August 24, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Death Becomes Her (1992)

Death Becomes Her is not a bad film. The special effects are great, the premise clever, it offers some good black comedy… but it also shouldn’t have been a movie. Its needlessly long running time, predictable twists, and conclusion prove this should've been an hour-long episode of Tales from the Crypt.

Beautiful, talentless, and manipulative Madeline Ashton (Meryl Streep) seduces the fiancé of her long-time rival Helen Sharp (Goldie Hawn). Years after their wedding, Madeline and Ernest (Bruce Willis) are miserable but Helen hasn't aged a day. Looks like she'll have the last laugh. Desperate to save face, Madeline visits Lisle von Rhuman (Isabella Rosellini) who promises her eternal life and youth.

This setup is needlessly detailed and complicated. This is the story of rival women competing for the love of a man. Things get dark and comedic when one of them drinks a potion that prevents her from dying no matter how fatal the injury may be. You can see where the comedy potential already. After Helen wins back Ernest, they need a way to dispose of Madeline. Poison's the solution but the dead woman springs back to life, hell-bent on getting revenge on her rival not by killing her… but by winning back Ernest once again.

Robert Zemeckis was involved in the production of the 1989 Tales from the Crypt series, which shows this sort of morbid humor is his thing. He might've been a bit too enthusiastic about this story. At 104 minutes, a lot of this material could've been trimmed. We’re told that Madeline is a terrible actress, but that only plays out in a single scene. The film begins in 1978, then jumps 7 years in the future and then another 7 years for the plot to start. It's clunky and that time would've been better as a way to show off more gore or nudity.

I’m not suggesting sex and intestines spilling onto the floor just to be sleazy. It's what this movie needed to be funnier. Making the severe injuries suffered the kind that would have police officers or coroners running for the hills while the party involved is stuck trying to figure out how they’re going to resolve this issue would've fit perfectly with the premise. As for the sex, the movie already plays “hide the nipple” whenever Isabella Rosellini is on-screen. The plot calls for people to cheat on their spouse, seduce each other over, and over... but their clothes stay on the whole time? It feels like a betrayal to the twist-filled EC comics we're drawing inspiration from.

This movie needed to be shorter, funnier, gorier, and faster-paced. There are plenty of solid gags - particularly once the blood starts flowing - but it’s not bloody enough. Even if you took a meat cleaver to the film and edited this down, it would still be lacking in this area.

I’m coming down hard on the film but want to stress again that it’s not because the movie’s bad. I liked it enough to give Death Becomes Her somewhat of a recommendation. Just know that it had the potential to be so much better. (On DVD, October 2, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Magic Voyage (1992)

You think you've seen the worst animated films the '90s produced, and then The Magic Voyage rears its ugly, misshapen head to prove you wrong. This film will live on in my memory as one so bad, it’s legendary.

It’s 1392. Most believe the Earth is flat and square, like a sheet of paper. Not Italian navigator Christopher Columbus (voiced by Dom DeLuise). He theorizes the world is cubic. When a woodworm named Pico (Corey Feldman) convinces him that it's a globe, Columbus realizes a trip to India will be easy. Given three ships by Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand IV (Samantha Eggar and Dan Haggerty), he sets sail. As they depart, Pico stumbles upon Marilyn (Irene Cara), a fairy captured by the evil Swarm Lord (also Haggerty). When he takes Marilyn across the ocean, the high stakes are doubled!

The only type of animation mistake I didn’t spot was a layering error - a background element or character getting accidentally placed in front of the foreground. Anything else you can think of you'll see at one point or another. Cells incorrectly cropped, missing background (causing characters to float in midair), coloring errors, etc. They're all here. And would you believe, those are the least noticeable sins?

The Magic Voyage cuts corners at every opportunity. I don't just mean recycled/looped animation. Even the frame rate is inconsistent, with walking/running cycles that contain so few drawings the characters move like misshapen, otherworldly shades from a cursed VHS tape. You'll also notice numerous inconsistencies in the characters' sizes. Pico, Marilyn, random animals or props constantly grow and shrink.

Sometimes, the animation gets so bad, it even becomes good. The talent recruited to make this film varies so wildly, the attention to detail so sparse characters repeatedly appear off-model and - shockingly - tend to look better when they do. It's unheard of.

The dialogue is nonsense that never, EVER stops. The lip-synch is some of the worst I’ve ever seen but that's somewhat forgivable. You can imagine it would've been fine in the original language. Until characters begin speaking with their mouths closed. It doesn’t matter if they have nothing to say or if what they’re saying makes no sense; they just keep mouth-farting words.

As the cherry on top, the acting is terrible and the songs add nothing to the story. I doubt anyone associated with this project has ever traveled to America or even heard of Christopher Columbus. Within a few minutes, you'll give up. There's no way you'll survive. And then, the craziest thing happens. This black hole of talent starts becoming entertaining. As you plummet towards Hell at break-neck speed thanks to consistently shoddy animation and a story that could've at least had the courtesy of attempting to educate instead of just making stuff up, you lose all hope. Then, it pierces through the core of the earth and starts coming out the other side. The blistering heat becomes a warm glow before you burst through the crust and fly off into space. You achieve a self-reflective state only possible when you see a film so bad it makes you question humanity's survival. I’m so fascinated by the way this adventure gets just about EVERYTHING wrong. It’s just so easy to poke at it or to think of possible drinking games that if you are a bad movie connoisseur, I think you should check it out.

The Magic Voyage is a serious contender for the most ineptly made animated film ever. If you can find someone with fond memories of it, watch this with them. Prepare yourself for a soul-crushing experience as they realize how gullible they were as children. It's cruel but like this movie, it won't be long until it's hilarious too - for all the wrong reasons. (On VHS, September 17, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Invader (1992)

I delve into my big box of random VHS tapes and what do I find? Another bad sci-fi film so obscure it doesn’t even have a Wikipedia article. Normally, this would mean a lot of painful extra research. This time, I didn't mind having to look up names and facts because I kind of enjoyed Invader in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way.

Frank McCall (Hans Bachmann) is a reporter working for one of those trashy publications, the kind that claim Elvis is still alive and raising Big Foot's children kind of thing. When he stumbles upon a real-life UFO, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime - and possible doom for for humanity. The extraterrestrial computer system has been merged with a U.S. military defence program and now ASMODS (Automated System Managing Offense and Defense Strategies, pronounced Asmodeus) is turning our soldiers into zombies to take over the world!

I like the setup. A guy who makes a living writing bogus stories stumbles upon the real deal. What’s funny is that not even his editor will believe his tales of an alien ship flying around the countryside incinerating some and brainwashing others. He might as well have been a 10-year-old kid trying to convince his parents except he can drive a car.

The biggest problem with Invader is that ultimately, it isn’t very memorable. As I write this review I can already feel the plot's details slipping away. It’s too bad. If you like making fun of bad films, there’s plenty to mock here. We’ve got bullet-proof buses and trucks, obvious models, clunky stop-motion effects that really weren’t required but were probably used for budgetary reasons, some questionable behavior on the part of the military (including A. Thomas Smith as a Captain and Rick Foucheux as a Colonel). Plus it all comes down to a very silly climax with an awesome stop-motion creation with a truly ridiculous head.

This film is all mismatched bits and pieces stitched together. It’s part Terminator with the evil computer that sees humans as a threat thing, it’s part War of the Worlds with the saucer, there’s some Invasion of the Body Snatchers thrown into the mix and a bunch of intentional comedy. I laughed out loud at the unfortunate timing of this plot when I heard everyone panicking over the fact that ASMODS could spread from one military base to another… not through the Internet... through PHONE LINES!

Invader is a terrible film. You’ve got a classic display of lousy action, dialogue, special effects, plotting, and basically everything else attempting to serve a plot that needed a much bigger budget than it got. I was never truly bored though (ok, maybe restless a few times) and when you see what the finale is like, you’ll be glad you made it to the culmination of pure madness. I can’t recommend you seek this one out, but if you stumble upon it at garage sale for a dollar, or you find it in your parent’s basement propping up a table, check it out - if bad movies on VHS tape is your thing. Otherwise, let it gather more dust. (On VHS, October 1, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

The movie should really be called “Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula” as the story stays mostly faithful to the original novel until it doesn't. Oh well. This is one of the most stylish and ominous horror films you can set your eyes upon. It oozes dread and terror through spectacular camera work, art direction, and special effects.

In 1897, a property solicitor named Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves) travels to Transylvania at the request of the bizarre Count Dracula (Gary Oldman). He realizes too late Dracula is a vampire, a blood-sucking monster who wishes to move to England and feed on its unsuspecting citizens. The Count develops a particular appetite for Jonathan’s fiancée, Mina (Winona Ryder). Their only hope is an eccentric expert on the supernatural named Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins).

Every single detail in the sets and costumes feels purposeful and adds to the overall look. The way lightning bolts take the shape of grasping claws, the shadows who move in otherworldly ways, the design of the ruined castle as Jonathan approaches it. This Transylvania is a world of nightmares, where a century-old vampire has been sitting on a cyclopean throne and feeding on the population not only literally, but metaphorically as well. In a place like London, where thousands of unprepared victims reside, it would be disastrous. It's frightening, but never so obvious (until it’s far too late) that Jonathan should've left the instant he arrived. High praises to cinematographer Michael Ballhaus and the costume, sets, makeup, and special effects department for achieving this feeling.

Playing Dracula in his numerous forms is Gary Oldman, who is outstanding. He is able, even through tons of makeup, a huge, elaborate wig, and an extravagant costume to create a complete character. If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear they cast three different people as Dracula. While I’m not crazy about a tragic love element added to the film, in practice, it works to turn Dracula into a complicated, even tragic predator. Some of the “classic” Dracula moments, like the first time we realize how much blood means to the creature, have never been done better, not even by Bela Lugosi.

If we’re going to talk about the cast, we must address Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. He isn’t quite up to the role. His English accent isn’t very good, but you can why Coppola said yes to him anyway. Remember, the film is set in 1897. In those days, the proper thing to do was court for two years before taking “the big step” and kissing. In this world, people are stiff and unemotional. Reeves excels in these roles. He highlights the sex appeal and otherworldly nature of an uninhibited Dracula. Would the movie be better if they had cast someone else? Probably. Is he a fatal stake through the picture's heart? No.

The supporting cast is also strong. Winona Ryder and Anthony Hopkins are both excellent. Sadie Frost as Lucy, Tom Waits as Renfield (who’s always been a favorite character of mine), Billy Campbell and Cary Elwes as allies in the struggle against Dracula play critical roles. Even the mostly dialogue-free brides of Dracula (Monia Bellucci, Michaela Bercu, and Florine Kendrick) stand out thanks to their awesome entrance. They effectively set the mood for what is ultimately a frightening and erotic fever dream.

This twist on the classic horror icon has layers and a lot of presence. The visuals can’t be beaten. I’ve focussed on the special effects, sets, makeup, and costumes, but the cinematography and editing are equally strong. Every little element of Bram Stoker’s Dracula is working in perfect unison to generate an eerie atmosphere upon which (mostly) solid actors in juicy roles have been placed to tell a timeless story. (On Blu-ray, June 26, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

A Christmas Carol has been brought to the silver screen so many times you better make some radical changes to stand out from the rest or not even bother. The Muppet Christmas Carol brings us a new vision of the classic story that's sure to please fans of Jim Henson’s creations but does not rank among the adaptations of the Charles Dickens novella.

Ebenezer Scrooge (Michael Caine) is a bitter miser who considers the ideals and spirit of Christmas pure humbug. He even hesitates to give his underpaid assistant Bob Cratchit (Kermit the Frog) the day off and scoffs at his nephew Fred (Steven Mackintosh) when he invites him to a holiday dinner. One cold Christmas Eve, the ghost of Scrooge's partners, the Marleys (Statler and Waldorf) appear to him with a warning: three spirits are coming to visit him. Unless he heeds their warning, he faces an eternity of suffering.

The songs in this musical are well done. A couple of them will stick in your memory even long after the end credits. The number that introduces Scrooge is particularly effective. It's a strong beginning, as Michael Caine is excellent as the ice-hearted money lender. He's doubly impressive once we remember that most of the time, he's speaking to felt creations.

Unfortunately, A Christmas Carol isn’t a story that meshes with comedic songs and characters particularly well. There is room for jokes and humor, but the gags often feel forced, undermine the drama, or don’t fit the story. No better example can be found than in the scenes where Scrooge faces the Ghost of Christmas Future. Throughout the entire film, Gonzo the Great (as Charles Dickens) and his friend Rizzo the rat act as narrators, but the constant cutting between the frightening tone and the fuzzy creations yucking it up wouldn’t work at all. Knowing this, director Brian Henson has them leave the film, assuring us that they will return during the conclusion. It’s the right choice, but also proves the point that maybe the Muppets should’ve picked a different Holiday story to invade.

I hate to sound overly negative, as the film is a great technical achievement and, overall, more good than bad, but there are several missteps along the way. The biggest… might not even be included in the film you’re watching! It’s a song between Scrooge and his lost love, Belle (Meredith Braun). The actress has a decent set of pipes, but the number she’s given stops the film cold and isn’t compelling at all. Only certain versions of the home release include this scene, and it’s gracious of the film for cutting it, but that again shows how widely the picture ranges. On one hand, you’ve got fantastic puppets, completely convincing special effects, several good songs, and a great performance by Caine. On the other, you have forgettable musical numbers that will bore you, jokes that don’t land, and an inconsistent tone.

There are some puzzling decisions throughout The Muppet Christmas Carol, such as the Ghost of Christmas Past (voiced by Jessica Fox), a new puppet that reminds the audience of the Gelflings in The Dark Crystal but is unintentionally creepy. It kept reminding me of a Halloween mask, or someone who’s had way too much botox. Hiccups like this prevent the film from being all it could be. Despite the faults, The Muppet Christmas Carol is worth adding to your holiday movie marathon for what it does well or to mix things up. (On Blu-ray, December 17, 2017)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)

Maybe it’s a good thing my first DVD of Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth was too badly damaged to play. If it had functioned properly, I don’t think I would've continued with the series. This film is badly acted, poorly written, plagued with bad special effects and filled with questionable creature designs. It also makes the enormous mistake of giving us a complete origin for Pinhead. Worst of all, it's boring.

Rich and spoiled club owner J.P. Monroe (Kevin Bernhardt) stumbles upon a curious artifact - an intricately carved stone pillar covered with tormented faces. When blood is spilled onto its surface (in a head-scratching scene that involves a hand-sized hole trap you'd expect to find in an Indiana Jones movie and a phony-looking rat) Pinhead (Doug Bradley) will emerge once again. With the Cenobite aiming to bring Hell to Earth, an ambitious young television reporter named Joey Summerskill (Terry Farrell) is humanity’s only hope.

I’m seriously considering giving this movie a big fat zero. It's hard to name anything good, or even creative about Hellraiser 3. Right away, it sets itself up for failure by having some bad actors front and center. The worst offender has to be Joey’s cameraman Doc (Ken Carpenter). From there, it just keeps getting worse. I understand that if you’re making a sequel to a film franchise that didn’t lend itself to multiple chapters, you’ve got to dig for ideas, but giving an origin story to your movie monster does not help make them more frightening or interesting. When Cenobites turn out to be a bunch of humans who got warped by mysterious powers, the spook scale goes down a notch, but they can still be compelling. When you give Pinhead a name and you spend the time to know everything about him, he becomes a tragic figure (at best), not one that fills you with dread.

If you could somehow muster enough enthusiasm to care about the characters in this film (a legendary feat) you'll still struggle to stay awake. This plot is as generic as it gets. What does Pinhead want? To bring Hell to Earth. How? By destroying the Lament Configuration and escaping his prison. Once he gets out, what is his plan? Kill a bunch of people and assemble an army of the worst-looking Cenobites ever conceived. Meanwhile, Joey talks to the ghost of Pinhead’s former self to figure out a way to keep the box out of the demon's hands. I'll come up with a better story outline right now. How about the story of a devout Christian who loses hope in humanity when he realizes the best way to convince the world that God is real... is to give them a glimpse of Hell? Hearing stories and testimonies of people from the mental ward in which he volunteers in, the man has to commit a series of ever-escalating crimes to obtain the object and equipment necessary to accomplish what he perceives as a noble goal. He tells himself that all of these actions are justified and will be forgiven once he goes to confession. As his heart gets blacker and blacker, he begins losing track of why he was doing this in the first place and Pinhead’s evil starts leaking into his life while he begins slowly figuring out how to open up the puzzle. There!

I have to dedicate a segment of this review to the new Cenobites introduced. The worst monsters ever brought to the screen. The biggest eye-sore has to be one that butchers human with killer CDs. An anthropomorphic CD player with a leather fetish. Easily the worst of the bunch, but a special mention goes to killer camera lens guy, who looks like he was designed by a 12-year old who once saw a still from Hellraiser. “Breathing stoma” Cenobite and “Piston Head” Cenobite are nearly as awful. The special effects that bring these creatures to life are reasonable, but there is no shortage of bad special effects. Pinhead in that pillar is no Han Solo in Carbonite.

Despite my best efforts, I failed to watch all of the Hellraiser franchise in chronological order, but I saw a fair amount. I say this saga is on the same level as the Leprechaun series. At least the Irish menace's misdeeds never put me to sleep and remained consistent. Hellraiser and its sequels wasted their potential through cheap cash grabs to keep the characters in the public eye. I despised Hell on Earth. I urge you to stay away from the series overall. Check out the first film, there’s some good stuff there. Horror classics, these are not. I hope someday we get a remake, with great special effects and a tight story. Until then, I’d like to send the series back to where it came from. (On DVD, July 12, 2015)

[adamwatchesmovies]

To Grandmother’s House We Go (1992)

For reasons which escape me, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were the biggest child stars of the '90s. I guess it was because they were cute little twins? It certainly wasn’t due to their acting abilities or choice of scripts. The Holiday “classic” To Grandmother’s House We Go is proof they weren't particularly choosey.

Single mom Rhonda (Cynthia Geary) tries her best to take care of her twin daughters Sarah (Mary-Kate Olsen) and Julie (Kate Olsen). Between her job at the convenience store and their burning desire to see their great-grandmother at Christmas time, they're a handful. After their latest exasperating antic, they decide to give mom a break and leave for Granny’s house. Their way there is by hitching a ride with Eddie (J. Eddie Peck), who drives a delivery truck and has been puttin’ the moves on mom. When he discovers the girls and tries to bring them back home, the vehicle is stolen by criminal duo Harvey and Shirley (Jerry Van Dyke and Rhea Perlman). If this weren't bad enough, the winning lottery ticket Eddie just bought… is still with the girls!

There’s contrived, and then there’s To Grandmother’s House We Go contrived. The two girls just happen to hide in the delivery truck the man who happens to know their mother is driving. On the way home, it happens to get stolen by a pair of bandits. Oh and the two girls just happen to pick the winning lottery tickets for Eddie, who happens to leave the ticket with them when they are kidnapped. This incredible string of coincidences shows just how much padding the film contains. This is little more than a bunch of barely sitcom-worthy plots strung together. Hopefully, these move fast enough to distract you. Otherwise, you'll realize how flat and uninteresting the main characters are. Like in all of the Olsen twins’ childhood films, the two don’t really play human beings, they play a collective idea of what cute twins might do when doing harmless shenanigans. It might've been enough to distract its intended audience back in the day. For everybody else, it’s like being forced to babysit the pair of kids who just destroyed your chances of getting that big promotion you were hoping to get.

Clearly, nobody cared. This was a paycheck for everyone - including the kids - so nobody brought their A-Game to the set. They just had a couple of cute kids and hastily threw a holiday special together. The jokes are lame. The writing shoddy. Within seconds, To Grandmother's House We Go becomes intolerable for any adult unfortunate enough to sit down with it.  (TV version, December 8, 2018)