#13 for most kids will be part of 7th grade and part of 8th

[erin-gilberts]

Begging Hollywood to let their incoming freshmen turn 14 BEFORE going to high school. 13-year-old freshmen are not common even at the beginning of the school year.

[infamous-if]

Do you have any kind of rough timeline of events leading up to BOTB and during BOTB? Kind of like, when MC met 7, the rest of the band, when the band formed (when/if the relationship happened and ended), when The Fight was, and BOTB stages?

Ah. I had plans to make a timeline and I completely forgot. It was a BIG request. (Lucky I had a draft saved)

Apologies to all non-Americans! I'll try to add their ages to make it a bit easier to understand for those who may not know.

Middle school (7th grade) (11 - 12 years old)

Seven and MC meet as they are in the same class and have assigned seats together. Somehow they missed each other last year but they get close very quickly!

Middle school (8th grade) (13 - 14 years old)

They graduate from middle school and are best friends at this point. They go to each other's houses and hang out often. Spent all summer together. MC's parents are beginning to get busier and Seven's dad's presence is growing more sporadic again.

High School ( 14 - 18 years old)

They enter high school and end up in the same class as Rowan, Devyn, Jazzy, and Iris who enters about a month later as she moved homes.

Seven and MC start getting into music as most youth™ do. Seven and MC run around their own circles but remain close. Talks of music grow and jokes about starting a band become less jokes and more planning. Somehow they all end up in a band and are actually practicing in Devyn's garage.

As they get serious they start doing gigs. Small ones like school dances and birthday parties for the kids around town. They work part-time jobs and Rowan commissions art to scrounge up money for actual instruments they own instead of renting them out from the school's band club. They start making their own original music.

They release their first EP to, like, 20 sales hahaha but it's enough for them to stop doing covers and start getting serious about original music.

They graduate and keep playing.

After High School

They start releasing more music and start growing a steady following. Their music grows in popularity and with their gigs, they can start quitting their jobs and doing it full time, though the money is still tight. They're on a steady incline that only escalates once they hit 21 years old and have full freedom to gig wherever they want.

This is up to headcanon but I like to think that Seven and MC began dating at 21 years old (for those romancing seven.)

22 years old

Seven and MC get matching tattoos (once again, I leave this to headcanon). The band grows in popularity.

23 years old.

The vote happens + things start to break down. The fight and Seven officially leaves the band.

24 years old

Orion comes into the picture. Seven spends their bday alone but eventually joins Soft Violence.

25 years old

All of them trying to make a name for themself. Soft Violence blows up with Seven as lead singer.

26 years old

BOTB auditions.

--

SO it's been 3 years since the Seven fight, 2 since Orion came in and Soft Violence formed.

Everything happened really fast, but I prefer that the pain and everything is still fresh!

[belmottetower]

Sorry to get nit picky about your Roy and Jamie time line academy post but:

1. Year 7 is the equivalent to 6th grade - grade 6-8 (middle school/junior high) is the equivelant to years 7-9 (key stage 3/lower secondary school).

2. All schools both private and state (public schools) wear uniforms and from my experience at a private school the state schools in my area were stricter about uniform/dress codes than my private school.

3. I got the impression from 3x06 sunflowers that Roy going to Sunderland was more of a Boot Camp/training camp rather than actually joining the academy.

Thanks for your thoughts!

For reference, the previous post is here - some notes on Roy and Jamie's academy experiences. A firmer version will go into the AO3 primer.

1. You've misunderstood what I said or perhaps why I said it. This info on British school years is already covered in my primer. But - UK Year 7 is still the equivalent to US 7th Grade in terms of year and age levels. We do R (reception, like their kindergarten) to Year 6 primary school, then Year 7 and beyond for secondary school. I am totally aware that the US splits the "school eras" differently into K-5 Elementary, 6-8 Middle and 9-12 High. British schools split the education levels in a different place - R-6 primary and 7-13 secondary (we do 14 years, not 13, overall.) But year 7 and 7th Grade are still the same year of school. The 8th year of formal education after K-6. The point of what I wrote in that post was to flag that in the UK, Year 7, rather than Year 6 or Year 9, is when the "new school era" starts.

2. Yep, most schools here in the UK wear school uniforms. I didn't say in this post they didn't, I just pointed out how strict somewhere like St Bede's is, which is a real school that I have researched. The primer is for people who DON'T know UK culture, and Americans tend to forget that uniforms are standard in the UK because for them, plain clothes are standard. Bede's is strict in terms of formality - it's a blazer, branded jumper and tie, as opposed to a polo shirt with a crest or something - and it's strict in terms of only wearing the official school shop uniforms. What happened at your school is your school, I am talking specifically about this real actual school. Here's a random tweet from St Bede's with some boys in uniform in case anyone wants a look at it to imagine what Jamie wore.

3. You might be the first person in the fandom to get that impression about Roy. In my opinion that is a pretty big misread of the show. Roy mentioning coming back home for Christmas in 3.06 is a very good indication that he was in fact living in Sunderland, and Christmas was his first visit home. That Christmas visit is also something he cited in 1.06, Two Aces, when talking about moving to Sunderland - in Two Aces there are actually two references to Sunderland that make it clear that he was scouted and moved up there at age 9. It's phrased like his visit at Christmas was a temporary stay, not a permanent return to London.

First, Keeley says the following to him on the treadmill: "I read this mad story about a kid who grew up in a shit part of South London. And who got sent off to play as a child in Sunderland, of all places. And who later was force to rap his own verse in a charity single which was called "Winner, Winner, Football Dinner."

And then at the curse breaking ritual Roy says: "I was nine when I got scouted by Sunderland, and I'd never left London before. My granddad drove me all the way there, and it was freezing, and I was terrified. I was fucking nine. Say something. When I got there, he gave me this old blanket. He said it was to keep me warm and to remind me of home. And that was the last time I saw him. 'Cause he'd passed away by the time I got back for Christmas, so..."

Scouted has a very specific meaning in this situation. It means scouted as a potential professional player and signed by a club's academy.

This season, in 3.09, Roy references Sunderland again. He says:

"When I was first coming up through Sunderland, there was an old-timer on the team. Local guy. He and his wife were about to have their first kid, so during training one day, I made a joke that, statistically, I was probably the real dad."

This comment tells us that Roy not only came up through Sunderland - as in, through their academy - but that he also made his way onto the first team there and made his senior debut with them. Because his academy team isn't going to include an older player about to have a child. This story is something that happened to probably a 17 or 18 or 19 year old Roy, to a 30 year old Sunderland player. This indicates that he "came up through" the Sunderland academy all the way til he was pulled from the junior side into their first team.

Every indication from the show, as well as interviews with Brett, tell us that Roy went to Sunderland at age 9 and lived there, was a part of that football club, for at least the next decade before being eventually sold to Chelsea as an adult.

[big-pp-energy-ven]

This is just a miscellaneous post of my inner rants, I expect no one to engage with this other than myself when I find this post in like 5 years from now

Based on the previous reblog where it was poll on what kind of gay I was in high school, I was a choir kid (derogatory)

I say derogatory because,,, I had mix feelings about it.

I got into choir in 7th grade middle school, and was in choir up until 12th grade of high school (excluding the covid year, I was online). That's almost 5 years of choir.

Those first 3 years were alright, I might even say great. I had pretty good directors, I especially liked my 8th grade director- excusing that one time she yelled at me tho and made me cry... (maybe).

Middle school choir was about what you expect, I feel like it wasn't all that serious. No proper techniques, just... singing to the crowd. The only shit that was a constant issue was drama amongst the clique of 11-13 year olds. My 8th grade director was great cuz she gossiped with us and she fr kinda ate... she was a middle aged latina woman who had a new jersey accent... loved how real she was.

Then I get to high school choir, and of course everything is different. The director, who we called "Mama", was the sweetest woman and she made choir the best for me. She was like my 8th grade director but more sassier and a loud mouth (affectionate)

You might be saying- what was so bad about choir?

All I will say, the one thing that Mama would get on our asses about whenever we weren't meeting her expectations was attitude and egos. I've seen how some my classmates acted... she was right in most cases.

Something to admit, right off the bat, being in choir for those 3 years was the 2nd time I had ever felt lonely. I mean, 10th grade concert choir, is when I made friends with people I'm currently friends with now! It's funny because I remember seeing how my buddies interacted and I thought they were weird... but then I gradually warmed up to them and realized that I was just as weird.. (that's on that neurodivergent behavior).

While I did make friends with those weirdos (affectionate), I recognized that I spent most of my time alone. Quiet and just watching the other choir students talk and stuff. Whenever someone did talk to me, I remained friendly and said hi, but it always felt kind of forced. Like I couldn't exactly hold a long-lasting conversation. I think I spent more time listening/watching than actually talking. I did have to force myself to talk to people and be a part of a group, I didn't wanna be completely alone. Even in 12th grade, I tried my best to put myself out there... but there weren't a lot of people I vibed with except maybe like 5 of them (there were at least 50 people, btw).

I was in the beginner choir for 2 years, I was supposed to go to the bella voce (all women's) choir my 11th grade year, but covid happened...

So it was surprising when I was chucked in chamber (advanced) in 12th grade. You had to audition and do an interview to get in, and you would be added according to the schedule. Mama always found a way to get in you in multiple choirs... but I was surprised when I was put in there, cuz I didn't have to do any of it.

Mama always mentioned how she saw the best in us and knew who was hard working. Me, however, didn't see that.

I think that's when I started to develop imposter syndrome or at least started to notice it. I felt like I didn't belong in chamber. Everyone in there were great singers and were in theater as well. I know I shouldn't have been comparing myself, but it's kinda hard when you're surrounded by so much talent

I remember we were having a discussing and Mama was asking if we saw ourselves as an ensemble (a person who works collectively with their group) or a soloist (someone who's having a performance of their own... /negative). Most answered ensemble. I answered soloist, and when I explained my own reasoning, I said something like "It's not that I'm intentionally singing alone, I don't feel like I'm apart of the ensemble and I'm my own island." Mama took note of that.

I worked to better my vocals, I sang during karaoke days, and I was considered one of the strongest altos in my section, but I still felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. Senior year had become a weird period where choir became my least favorite class unlike before... I didn't hate it, but it became something I didn't look forward to.

The rehearsals felt monotonous, the drama felt constant, the current state of the world was no longer the same, and I had to worry about passing, so choir wasn't my top priority exactly. I still did what I needed to do during those last 40 minutes of the day, but outside of choir, I was focused on other stuff.

My friends were either in different choirs or were doing dual enrollment, so I was alone for the most part in that class period. Yes, I had friends outside of choir, but I only saw them during lunch. I feel like senior year was lonely... that 1 hour lunchtime didn't seem like enough time.

Now, MPA (basically a choir exam) was coming up, and we have these really advanced pieces we're performing. Mama, love her to death, was working us to the bone. She was harsh. She was critical, but I'd say it was mostly tough love... and this was also when the interpersonal drama started to ramp up, and she had gotten involved to some extent. A lot was happening now (..uh time frame, this was early 2022).

There was one day where the tension was... well tense. And Mama was not having it with us. I was stressed out of my mind at this point, I felt like I wasn't working hard enough, and it felt like I was experiencing the weight of the situation.

The rehearsal went on, and she distinctly told us, "You're gonna close your eyes and sing this right. If you open your eyes, then you aren't taking this seriously, and you don't have the right to be in this choir."

That, for some reason, got me. In the middle of the song, I got choked up and was so ridden with anxiety and sadness that I froze up. I was rubbing my pants' legs and shaking, all with my eyes closed. One of the guest teachers had to touch me to calm me down.

Of course, there was discussion afterward... I was put on the spotlight. I don't even remember what I said, but I spoke out how I felt about the performance. I was mess. I still think about that day because it makes me feel exhausted thinking about it. I remember how much I wanted to quit after that. It's been a year since that happened. I don't know why I felt so burdened during that rehearsal. It might've been due to my own fears of failing, I already had the constant thought of not being good enough and not belonging. I still don't know what set me off to this day.

I find it a little messed up to say that I was happy when I left choir and graduated. I remember seeing my choir mates crying and hugging the seniors. Meanwhile, I was just happy to get out of there. I did say goodbye to one of my favorite underclassmen. I felt no attachments to the choir anymore. The only reason why I cried is because it was due to seeing two of my favorite teachers front row (Mama and my English teacher). That got me, god.

Mama was a great teacher in terms of how she taught and lifted us up. Not only that, she was a good counselor... she was very vulnerable with us, and that, in turn, made us vulnerable with her, and she's the most supportive teacher on campus. I hope she still works there.

The only things I did enjoy from choir were the songs. I can remember a few of them. Also, I'll never forget that I listened to Ubi Caritas for 2 hours straight... I learned it, though. I can't listen to it, thought without feeling sad, as it reminds me of that rehearsal day.

My dad always asks if I'm still singing, and I would say not really... I mean, I do sing on occasion, but I still don't think I'm good. I don't see myself joining the singing career. I still have moments, though, where if/when I listen to someone sing, I listen to techniques and silently correct them. I'm glad I'm more focused on visual arts than performance arts... I was in tech theater though, that was fun.

Sorry for anyone that happened to read this entire mini Bible.. I've had this on my mind for a year.

[miss-v-is-fine]

One thing I didn't expect teaching 7th grade was how many students didn't know they had a learning disability and that my classes were all special education (literally most of them did not know this). When I went over IEPs with the kids on my caseload, I kind of thought that was it, but it turned out they thought all kids had IEPs. They were offended when I explained. Some students got angry at their parents for not telling them. Some were devastated to learn that we (learning support teachers) would not be going to 8th grade with them (learning support teachers loop in younger grades but but not after 4th).

I encouraged some students to talk with their parents. However, a lot of the kids in my Title I school don't have great relationships with their parents/ guardians. I recognize that some parts of this are related to the two virtual years they had, but it's disturbing to me that you could be 12-13 years old, go to special education classes every day, and not know that you're in special education until your case manager talks to you. It's definitely something I'll keep in mind for next year. I need families to be transparent with their kids, though!

[jewishpercy]

why “ww2 was caused by the big three” is a shitty plotline!

tw for discussion of the holocaust, holocaust denial and antisemitism under the cut

i’ve mentioned before about why i think rick’s use of ww2 as lore in pjo is not great and i just wanted to talk about it in a bit more detail

i’m going to start with the implication that hitler is a child of hades

in the last olympian, hades says this to nico:

When you and your sister were young, it was a bad time to be children of Hades. World War II was brewing. A few of my, ah, other children were leading the losing side.

from this we learn that in the pjo universe, not only was world war 2 caused by conflicts between demigods, leaders of the axis powers were demigods. in rick’s universe, hitler, mussolini and hirohito (or at least one or two of them) were children of hades.

(of course, this also implies that roosevelt, stalin and churchill were demigods as well, which is weird on its own but whatever)

it’s almost explicitly confirmed that hitler is a son of hades (or pluto). when percy meets hades in the lightning theif:

The Lord of the Dead resembled pictures I'd seen of Adolph Hitler, or Napoleon, or the terrorist leaders who direct suicide bombers. Hades had the same intense eyes, the same kind of mesmerizing, evil charisma.

when hazel meets pluto:

His tie was black with platinum stripes. His shirt was tombstone gray. His face—Hazel’s heart nearly leaped out of her throat. His skin was so white it looked almost blue, like cold milk. He had a flap of greasy black hair. His smile was kind enough, but his eyes were fiery and angry, full of mad power. Hazel had seen that look in the newsreels at the movie theater. This man looked like that awful Adolf Hitler. He had no mustache, but otherwise he could’ve been Hitler’s twin—or his father.’

right there! pluto “could’ve been hitler’s twin—or his father”. 

so what’s wrong with hitler being a son of hades?

well, i hope this is something you already understand, but here i go!

1. it legitimizes his evil. if hades is the god of the dead, it’s a logical step that his children be associated with death. 

2. it makes it seem like the holocaust was part of hitler’s “power” as a demigod— obscuring the fact that the holocaust was a meticulously premeditated genocide, and the fact that it was carried out by regular human beings

3. hitler was the absolute scum of the earth. literally evil incarnate. he was a violently antisemitic, racist and xenophobic war criminal and dictator who ordered the murder of 11 million human beings and who caused the deadliest war in history. his evil was on him. his life had nothing to do with greek mythology. 

now, you probably already understood that before i spelled it out, right? that’s because you’ve probably already learned about the holocaust, and you’re probably over the age of 12 or 13! however, percy jackson is a childrens/young adult series with a target audience of 8-12 year olds. i went to a private jewish day school and we were not formally introduced to the holocaust until the second half of third grade, when i was 9 years old (though me and most of my class already knew about it beforehand). if jewish day schools are not introducing the holocaust until third grade, when are public and non-jewish private schools introducing the subject? in my public school district, the holocaust is introduced in 7th or 8th grade, when kids are 13-14 years old. in some places the holocaust isn’t introduced until high school. 

fiction effects reality. if your first introduction to hitler comes through a fantasy book as a child, you’re going to look at hitler and the holocaust through a veil of disbelief. you’re going to be more susceptible to holocaust denial. the holocaust will be linked to greek mythology in your mind, at least for some period of time.

even beyond those issues, the holocaust was a tragedy. it killed 2/3 of the jews in europe (also 1/3 of all of the jewish people in the world) and 25-50% of europe’s rromani population. it has no place in a fantasy book like this. it’s so incredibly disrespectful to victims and survivors, to have their pain and suffering turned into some stupid plot point. it’s fucked up, really. and it hurts to read, as a jewish person. i remember reading these parts for the first time and having to put the book down because it was so disturbing to me. i have chunks of my family tree missing because of the holocaust. the towns my family called home for hundreds of years were burnt to the ground because of the holocaust. the holocaust almost completely wiped out the yiddish language. it had real, human consequences. it wasn’t caused by the greek gods, it was caused by human beings, and it’s disgusting to paint it as anything else.

[cowboyx2]

my take on the cm characters sexual orientations and their journey :’)

Jennifer Jareau:

i view her as bisexual, an icon if you will.. no no but really, i do! with all the scenes with laggy taine i really think she likes him, they have chemistry and if i MUST admit they’re pretty cute together. obviously i also think she has MAJOR chemistry with emily, all the looks, smiles, subtle touches, hand holding under the table, it just makes sense for them to have feelings for one another!

background:

JJ grew up in a small town (in PA i think??) with only what i can assume is a conservative family.

after rosalyn died her parents started fighting more and she sort of slipped away into that background. with all that at home middle school was TOUGH!!

she was always told only boys and girls kiss, not girls and girls or boys and boys and that was final. she didn’t really understand why but she wasn’t one to challenge authority

it wasn’t until the end of 7th grade that she realized she was “different”. one of her friends from school, jessica (yes i’m naming her, leave me alone) had invited her to her house for a sleepover.

after they had hung out for awhile they started to gossip like any 13 year old girls. jessica was worried that she wouldn’t be a good kisser and if she wasn’t then she couldn’t ask out brad. so like any logical reasoning they (jessica did..) decided they HAD to practice

they both agreed it was awkward and weird but jj couldn’t stop thinking abt it even after jessica was long asleep

she spent the entirety of 8th grade trying to forget what had happened. if she kept busy than she couldn’t think abt it..

jj’s high school years were much “better” then middle school. she had a new found popularity with being on the varsity soccer team and being a pretty blonde. with popularity came boys and cute one at that

she liked them and they liked her so why should she worry about that cute girl in her chem class? it wasn’t that she didn’t like the guys because she most definitely did, it was that they were certain girls in her school that she just REALLY wanted to be friends with. yeah, just friends

even if she got distracted by laura’s cute skirt and updo she also was happily with one of the football guys. if really like him then she couldn’t of had feelings for a girl, right??

then and now:

once jj had joined the bau she had figured out that she does indeed like girls AND guys. though she did NOT know there was a word for it

she ended up learning a lot from elle an out queer women. (fyi i hc elle as queer aro) besides elle being her gay mentor jj also had a very big crush on her

elle taught her all about the label bisexual among many that she explained, that’s when it all just clicked. jj had her first queer friend and a label she can use for herself!! all of elle’s advice and information did not stop jj’s little crush

they hooked up like twice

after greenaway left it was difficult, she didn’t have anyone to talk to abt her sexuality or questions. until spencer ended up accidentally coming out to jj, it was very awkward but it smoothed over once jj let him that she was bi. then penelope joined in on the fun with her just running into the bau with a pan flag in her hands

the 3 of them grew closer together, talking about crushes and whatnot. spencer and pen couldn’t answer every single question she had but for the most part they could answer the pressing ones

when emily joined the team it was an immediate wake up call. she new she liked elle a lot but this was different, once she saw her she could not get her out of her head. they hadn’t even spoke yet there was jennifer john jareau absently daydreaming abt women she barely knew

once they met it was set in stone, she HAD to marry this women, and she would’ve right there and then. but of course “jj, you can’t just ask for her hand in marriage! you don’t even know what her favorite color is” right yeah make her fall in love then get married

the more and more they hung out the more she tried to push the idea to the back of her head.

then she met will and he was nice, sweet, and cute, it only made sense to go out. and boy was she glad she did, he was nothing less than a gentleman

my canon now, bitch:

all good things have to end though, years into their relationship with 2 adorable munchkins em kisses her. yes she knew she’s gay but the kiss was a SURPRISE to say the least. before she knew it she was having a long talk with will and emily.

after that it was a rush, she moved in with emily a year after the split with will. the kids love her and she’s an openly happy bi women. jj not even once regretted will he made her happy, they were so so so happy, she was in love but love dosent always last forever.

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

[icarus-suraki]

weird asks: 4, 9, 15, 21, 40, 49, 61

Sorry for the late reply. My depression decided to sneak up behind me and steal my corpus callosum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I don't actually know, so I'm making this up based on what I recall... Bright but somewhat inattentive. Can't write a lowercase R in cursive to save her life (I got bad grades in handwriting all through 2nd grade). Sometimes anxious. Not a troublemaker at all; if she is disruptive, it's by accident more than by intent. Very creative and imaginative.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

There's this smell I'll come across in the evenings sometimes, especially when I'm driving home from work on these little country roads around here. I always thought it was clover, but I think it's maybe elderflower? It's sweet and floral, but not a "bright" sweetness; it's more of a dark floral, if that makes sense. Kind of low and evening-colored (that makes sense, right?). But it's fantastic to just find myself in a cloud of it on a humid evening. I will literally drive with my car windows open some nights just to smell it, it's that good.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

This is tricky because the things that I liked the most weren't books, per se. I absolutely loved Hamlet and King Lear (King Lear is always associated with the Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven" poster--long story). And I absolutely loved T. S. Eliot's poems. Like, damn, this is so much better than the rhyme-rhyme-rhyme shit I'd seen before. Like, sir. Damn. That was all high school, though. College? Hmm... See, I was an English major so I read a lot (or claimed to have read a lot and just BS'd my way through the tests). Reading As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner was a Moment, in part because I realized that my mom had summarized the story for me when I was a kid. Same thing with Spencer's The Faerie Queene--I think I surprised my professor with that one. Once I hit post, I'll probably think of a bunch of others.

21. obsession from childhood?

Oof. That depends on what age we're talking about here. Because Sesame Street was a big one when I was very small, then Muppet Babies when I got a little older. Any Muppet thing mesmerized me, according to my mom (I still love them). I loved playing dress-up (let's be honest: I still do, only I call it cosplay now) and dancing and playing pretend (and I still do). I drew constantly--especially bleeding hearts flowers, but also anthropomorphic animals in elaborate outfits and these creatures I called alligator birds. My Little Pony toys were everywhere in my house growing up--the original MLP, the good MLP. That was definitely still going strong in elementary school. I was really into A Wrinkle in Time and most of the other Madeline L'Engle books in about 4th grade onward. 6th grade I was hung up on blue-and-gold celestial designs (it was the 1990s) and everything purple. I got ahold of a really basic AM/FM cassette Walkman about this time and I discovered that there was actually Good Music in the world, not just children's music and I got so obsessed with just what you could find on the radio. I used up so many batteries and just wore out headphones and it was wonderful. I know somewhere in this span I started reading the Elfquest comics (n.b.: I was probably too young but I only realize that now) and got really into wolves and the particular version of elves that Wendy and Richard Pini created (I would shank someone for a chance to meet them) and did a lot of drawing of Wendy Pini's style of elves. I think I discovered anime by way of Sailor Moon when I was about 12 or 13 (and that's still an obsession) and started drawing anime-style characters A Lot. Somewhere in middle school, some friends and I started doing text-based RP via email, which sounds bizarre but we sure did it and it was very Mary Sueful but we had fun. I started writing a lot in and around then--maybe 7th, 8th grade? Mostly fantasy and, of course, lots of Mary Sues (but I really think that the Sue Stage is an important developmental stage, truly). I got sent a quiz by a friend in about 7th or 8th grade that was supposed to determine if you were a "starseed" and that got me into UFOs and Atlantis and ESP and some New Age-y stuff, which was actually a lot of fun (bless my mom for tolerating that). And since I was getting bullied a bit at this point in my life, maybe it was good that I had this "I'm special, I'm actually from another planet and I am important there" thing to hang on to. I know I was super-obsessed with the computer games Myst and Riven about this time--to the point of writing self-insert fanfiction. The hyper-religiosity (mainstream religion, mostly variations of Protestant Christianity) period among myself and my friends was no fun, but there we were, and I guess that counts as an obsession. There are theories that this developmental period is some of the background to the Salem Witch Trials, but I digress. I guess that gets me up to about high school. So, how's that?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

I mean, I guess there were always the bomb threats that made us all evacuate the school and hang around outside for a while. I didn't witness it, but I heard that once the cops brought drug dogs through the school and this one kid jumped up, grabbed his backpack, and ran out of the school and into the woods nearby because he had a bong in his backpack. There were the kids who'd stage a fight in the courtyard of the school so everyone would come running over and then their friends would throw water balloons on the crowd. There was this one girl who told people she was from another planet, and that was weird (me. that was me.). I dunno, I don't know of anything really weird happening at my school, in any grade. It was pretty quiet.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

"If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" --Tuco, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

That's a tough one... It might be "the heaventree of stars hung with humid, nightblue fruit" which comes from the "Ithaca" chapter of Ulysses.

[lynelovespopculture]

THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF ZELDA: CHAPTER 16-THE NEW GIRL

 CORDELIA SPELLMAN, NOW 12, FEELS UNEASY AROUND THE NEW GIRL IN HER CLASS…

Cordelia Spellman, smiled at herself in her full-length mirror, as she finished buttoning her blouse and admired her new skirt. Then she sat down at her vanity and picked up her golden chain with a single crescent moon attached. Ever since her parents had given her the necklace as a Yule gift 6 years ago, Cordelia never left the house without her necklace. Whenever she felt anxious or upset, Cordelia would hold the half-moon and pray. Guess being the daughter of a high priestess made you believe a little more. It was a long-standing family joke that if Sabrina’s black headband was her trademark then the necklace was Cordelia’s. After fastening the chain to her neck, Cordelia gathered her school books together and putting them in her backpack when she heard a bird. Turning around, she saw a dove in a tree right outside her bedroom window. A dove that Cordelia knew well.

“Hello, October.” Cordelia greeted the dove before grabbing her backpack and exiting her room. Out in the hallway, Cordelia encountered another animal. A huge brown greyhound lay across the floor, directly in Cordelia’s way. However, this was no mere dog. This was the familiar of Cordelia’s brother, Jake.

“Come on, Apollo, move! You’re in the way!” The dog did move when Cordelia scratched him behind his ear. The dog and the 12-year-old walked through the living room together. As they neared the kitchen, Apollo ran ahead, searching for food and his master. Cordelia stayed behind just long enough to put her book bag down on a hallway bench. Inside the kitchen, Cordelia found the usual suspects: her parents

“Good morning, Mom and Dad.”

Her brother was now feeding Apollo a strip of bacon, and Vinegar Tom, her mother’s dog wasn’t far behind.

“Morning, Jake.”

And her cousin, who unlike her parents and her brother, didn’t live there but worked there and often showed up early enough for breakfast.

“Hey, Ambrose.”

Plus 1 new face around the table.

“Hey, it’s the good doctor.” Cordelia hugged her big sister before sitting down next to her.

“Good morning, Cordy!” LJ smiled. “You don’t seem that surprised to see me here.”

“I’m not,” shrugged Cordelia as she dug into her oatmeal. “Perhaps that’s because I just saw a certain dove perched outside my window not 5 minutes ago.”

“Damn that October! I swear that familiar of mine spoils all my surprises! Anyway, the official reason I’m here is to drop off some medical forums for the boys but I also wanted to check up on you. Are you sure you’re ready for what you need to do today?”

Cordelia couldn’t help but smile. Not only was today the 1st day of school, but it was also Cordelia’s 1st day of 7th grade at Greendale Middle School, the very class that her father taught since she was 4.

Annoyed, Faustus came forward with his cup of coffee. “Hey, you have been teasing your sister all summer about being in my class. I wish you would stop it. I’m a good teacher and you, Cordy, don’t think I’m going to be easy on you because I’m your father.”

Cordelia shook her head. “I wouldn’t dream of it, Dad. I going to pass 7th grade with hard work and good grades, the same way I’ll become a top student when I attend the academy.”

Zelda smiled at her daughter. “Now, that’s the right attitude.”

“Butt kisser.” Jake teased his sister good-naturedly.

 10 minutes later, everyone left the kitchen. Ambrose and Jake went to work in other parts of the house, while everyone else was heading out the door. Zelda, to morning assembly at the academy, LJ was heading to the hospital to start her rounds and Faustus started the engine to his white VW bug as Cordelia climbed in beside him.

“So, did you and Mom have the talk today?” she asked her father.

“What talk?” Faustus asked his daughter.

Cordelia shrugged. “The talk, the talk you and Mom have at the start of every school year.  The one where Mom asks you to come to teach at the academy and every year, you turn down Mom’s offer.”

“You know about that?”

Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Everyone in the family knows. What I don’t get is why you keep turning her down. When I was little, you told me that Ambrose is the most powerful warlock in the family but I’ve known for a long time that it’s you. Plus, I heard Uncle C and Aunt Hilda talking about how you used to work there and- “

“Cordy, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” Faustus cut in.  “Yes, I used to work at the academy, but that was a long time ago, before the curse.”

“Of course!” His daughter spat. “Whenever I try to bring up anything about your past, all you ever say is it happened before the curse. Never mind that you always say you’ll tell me about this curse someday, but you never have. Dad, I’m 12 now, whatever this curse is, I can handle it.”

Faustus sighed as he pulled into the school parking lot. He couldn’t blame Cordelia for her anger toward him. She was right, of course, he brought up the ‘before the curse’ line a lot but what the child didn’t know was that he tried twice as much to tell his daughter what the curse actually was. Yet, he just couldn’t do it. Even when Zelda was right there beside him to support and help him to explain it all. But 1 look in Cordy’s innocent, trusting eyes, and Faustus chickened out every time. You’re weak, boy, you’ve always been weak. His father’s words were never far in Faustus’s mind. No words could be enough to express how thankful and grateful he was to the Spellmans for their unending understanding and support of him for the last 13 years. However, no matter how loved, safe, and secure his family would make him feel, something always happened, a memory, a nightmare, (last week’s was a real doozy) to trigger his never-ending guilt yet again. That’s why he declined Zelda’s yearly offer to return to teaching at the academy.  It was no longer a school to him, just a scene of his crimes. He felt the same way about the church, though he found it easier to avoid the school. When he did go to mass, he sat in the very last pew, even if as the spouse of the high priestess, it was his right to sit upfront with the rest of his family. He liked to get in and out, to see as less of the coven as possible. Even if the coven and the family’s forgiveness had lasted for 13 years, Faustus still lived his life as if that forgiveness could be revoked at any moment. This is why he couldn’t tell the youngest Spellman that it was only because of her mother that he wasn’t trapped forever inside a wicked, murdering husk. Sometimes it felt like Cordelia was the only 1 left in the world who didn’t know of his crimes and, selfish or not, he liked it that way.

“No, your mother and I didn’t have ‘that talk’ today, we had it yesterday.” There, it was all Faustus was willing to say on the subject. Faustus parked the car and pointed. “There are your friends.”

Thankfully, the sight of her best friends, blond triplets Emily, Erin, and Erica Warner, was enough to distract Cordelia from their current conversation.

“Thanks, Dad,” Cordelia pecked her father’s cheek, left the car, and made a beeline for her friends. “Hi, guys!”

“Hey, Cordy,” Said Emily.

“Hi, Cordelia” Replied Erica.

Erin just waved.

Cordelia frowned. “What’s wrong with you 3? You all look like you didn’t sleep a wink all night long.”

“We didn’t,” mumbled Erin.

“How could we when Mom and Dad had another all-night screaming match.” Emily agreed with her sister.

“Again?!” Cordelia frowned, the triplets confided in her that their parents were having marriage problems for quite some time.

“Hey there, girls!” came a voice from behind.

“Sara!”  All 3 Warner girls cried and turned to embrace the girl coming towards them.

Cordelia wasn’t sure what disturbed her more.  The fact that she had never seen this new girl a day in her life or that she got a warmer welcome from her besties than she did. However, Cordelia easily dismissed the thought when Erin turned back to her.

“Cord, this is Sara Reed. She just moved 3 doors down from us about 2 weeks ago. Sara, this is Cordelia Spellman, she’s been our best friend since, like, ever.”

“So, I’m finally meeting the famous Cordelia Spellman.”

“Well, I don’t know about famous,” Cordelia smiled.

The bell rang so the girls headed inside the school.

“Are you kidding?” Sara told Cordelia, “the triplets talk about you all the time. To hear them tell it, your family owns the town.”

“Hardy,” Cordelia giggled. “Truthfully, they only own 2 businesses, but they are all over town. Let’s see, my uncle owns Dr. Cerberus’s books and spirits and he runs it with my aunt Hilda.  She herself co-owns the Spellman Sisters mortuary with my mother but Mom teaches high school with my oldest sister, Prudence. So the mortuary’s day to day business is run by Ambrose, my cousin, and my brother Jake. Not too far from Uncle C’s shop, is the new office of my other cousin, Sabrina, who’s a therapist. LJ, my other sister, is a doctor.”

“What about your father?” Sara asked.

“Oh, Dad’s right here,” Cordelia answered. “Dad has been teaching 7th grade at this school since I was 4.”

“Which means that Mr. Spellman is our teacher this year.” Erin pointed out.

This made Sara confused. “Wait, I thought you guys were going into 8th grade?”

Emily shook her head. “Nope,7th.”

“I’m going into 8th.” Sara declared.

“I thought she was 12, like us,” Cordelia whispered to Erica.

“She is, but Sara is so cool, I’m not surprised she skipped a grade.”

“Oh yeah,” Cordelia smiled. “What makes her so cool?”

“She’s a Wiccan.”

Her friends didn’t notice when Cordelia froze and her smile disappeared.

 Nina Robinson was the school’s new 8th-grade teacher and she was not at all happy to be there. Some teachers’ passion was children, but Nina’s true passion was men. That was got her in her current troubles. If her boyfriend-correction, ex-boyfriend, had simply told his wife about them, he probably could have avoided a political scandal.  Yet here Nina was, in a backward hic town instead of her beloved New York.

How am I going to find Mr. tall, dark and handsome here in the middle of Nowhere, USA? Nina thought to herself just before Mr. tall, dark, and handsome walked by.

Luckily, Nina was standing right next to Theo Putnam, the vice-principal of the school.  “Um, Mr. Putnam? Who is that?” Nina asked, pointing.

“Oh, that’s Faustus Spellman, he’s been teaching 7th grade here for 8 years. His niece, Sabrina, is a childhood friend of mine.”

Nina could care less about childhood friends as she checked out this Faustus guy and she liked what she saw. Most women would back off when they saw Faustus’s wedding ring, but not Nina. She liked a challenge.

  “So, how are you today, Mr. Wilson?” LJ smiled at her favorite patient.

“Much better now that you’re here.”  Mr. Wilson took LJ’s hand and kissed it.

“Well, I’m certainly glad that those 3 surgeries didn’t rob you of your charm.”

LJ turned as the door opened and there was a man LJ didn’t know. “Excuse me, Mr. Wilson? I was sent here to check your I.V. and do some bloodwood.”

“Well, do it, then. Can’t you see I’m trying to flirt here?”

LJ chuckled as she moved to allow the stranger room to work. LJ also check the chart at the end of Mr. Wilson’s bed. “Everything looks good here. I’ll check back on you this afternoon.”

LJ and the man left the hospital room together. “I’m sorry, but have we met?” LJ asked the man out in the hallway. “It’s just that I’ve worked here for the last 5 years and I can’t place you.”

The man smiled. “Nor should you. I’m part of a group of interns that just transferred here from Moon Valley.”

“Oh, okay. Well, welcome to Greendale Memorial Hospital. How are you liking it so far?”

“I like it very much. I mean, the people are great. There’s only 1 thing I’m nervous about.  My pals keep telling me how tough our supervisor is. I haven’t met him yet; some guys say that our new supervisor is some hard ass resident named Dr. Spellman. Oh, where are my manners?” I’m Peter, Peter Watson.”

“LJ. LJ Spellman.”

Peter stopped walking. “You’re kidding, right.”

LJ kept smiling as she shook her head. “Afraid not.”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“After I get my foot out of my big mouth, how about I apologize properly by buying you a drink after work?”

LJ’s smile got bigger. “I would like that.”

 Over the years, some found it odd, that everyone at Greendale middle school, both staff and students alike, all had their lunch break at noon sharp. Yet today, it was a blessing. For at 10 after 12, a fire broke out in the southeast end of the school. Far away from the cafeteria and the teacher’s lounge. By 12:30, all the fire alarms were screaming at full force and the firetrucks were arriving just as the yard was filling with people. By 1 pm, the principal and vice-principal were busy calling parents to tell them not only about the fire but also the happy news that no one was hurt. To give the school a chance to air out all that extra smoke, afternoon classes were held outside, made possible by the nice weather. Although the flames were brief, it did ruin 2 rooms. The library and the 8th-grade classroom were burnt and would be unusable for months. By 3, it was safe to come back inside. By 3:30, the school was over and Cordelia was putting some books in her locker before heading into the girls’ bathroom. Cordelia pushed open the door and froze. There, among a dozen lit candles, were her 3 best friends and the new girl, Sara, all hovering over an Ouija board.

[troop-scoop]

The books I hate or love because of school, and my thoughts on them (In order of how I remember them :) )

The Giver - I remember this book and think ‘6th grade hell’ that’s it. 3/10, i read it in elementary school when I was bored in the library. 

A Wrinkle In Time - Our teacher read it to us in 7th grade... wtf, and we didn’t even finish it either! 1/10

The Cask of Amontillado and The Tell Tale Heart - our 7th grade english teacher left half way through the year and the subs who let us read these were amazing. They also let us watch the short films after. 100/10 I have them in my house

My Brother Sam Is Dead - Boring, I like the revolution in literature, but they gave away the big part in the title 0/10 will never read again.

To Kill a Mocking Bird - I like the message, the main characters were boring, I don’t remember anyone’s name except for Atticus because I remember liking his name. 2/10 might read if I ever wanna feel nostalgic for 8th grade. 

The Outsiders - I could follow along, it was very entertaining, the story was good, characters were very interesting! 8/10 would read again!

Anne Frank’s Diary - We read the screen play??? Idk it felt really disrespectful, and one kid kept making holocaust jokes to the only Jewish kid in class and the teacher didn’t stop them, that’s all I remember. -43769126/10

The Odyssey -   B o r i n g. Too much symbolism, my ADHD couldn’t handle the formatting. 1/10 would only read again if it was the only thing around. 

Great Expectations - Wtf was even happening here? -13/10

Romeo and Juliet - Way better than I thought it would be, I don’t like reading scripts though, my aunt said i mumbled a line in my sleep :) 7/10 would read again. 

Of Mice and Men - I was like 14, I still don’t remember much, I remember crying??? 3/10?

Animal Farm - yeah yeah yeah, communism bad, read it to your kids if you wanna put that in their heads at a young age. 6/10. 

Julius Cesar - I remember making jokes about him getting stabbed, I read Brutus’ part most of the time, 9/10

The Kite Runner - Um. . . my favorite book from Sophomore year, I’m not gonna lie. Characters were interesting the writer made the story compelling. :) 10/10

Night - The one written by Elie Wisel and is about his experience in the holocaust. The kid who made jokes while we read Anne Frank tried to make them again, and got suspended. 9/10

Fahrenheit 451 - the more I stared at the cover the more I realized fahrenheit is probably a german word, and I realized how much I hated English class. 1/10 that’s all. 

The Scarlet Letter - WTF WTF WTF WTF I HATED THIS ONE MORE THAN THE ODYSSEY AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING. It doesn’t deserve a rating, it’s boring as fuck and we shouldn’t put 16 yr olds through this bullshit.

1984 - the opening line was about them going to the moon? I’m pretty sure?? idk 4/10

The Great Gatsby - Also too much symbolism, She mentioned something about colors, and I remember having a mental breakdown because I didn’t know what was happening 3/10 she did let us watch the movie. 

I don’t remember the others :)

[whitehotharlots]

Liberal cruelty has consquences

This semester is winding down. As I am desperate to avoid grading student papers, I’ve spent the morning reading longish-form online articles. I just came across one that I feel very conflicted about. The online reaction to it as been troubling. So I don’t know if I have anything particularly coherent to say, but I’d like to talk about it.

The anonymously written piece is titled “What Happened After My 13-Year-Old Son Joined the Alt Right.”  It documents a young man’s journey from a garden variety, liberal-leaning goon to a frothing neo nazi mutant.

The piece is understandably sympathetic, seeing as it was written by the boy’s parent. The writer’s whiny and heavy handed tone caused me, and most of my e-pals, to dismiss it. If anything, the essay showcases an immense failure of parenting. If my child were to ask me to take him or her to a “Traditional American Culture” rally, I would slap the everloving shit of them. Lord knows how many times the kid’s parents had dropped the ball before it ever got to that point.

But then I re-read the start of the article, in which the parent identifies the trigger point for their son’s downward slide:

One morning during first period, a male friend of Sam’s mentioned a meme whose suggestive name was an inside joke between the two of them. Sam laughed. A girl at the table overheard their private conversation, misconstrued it as a sexual reference, and reported it as sexual harassment. Sam’s guidance counselor pulled him out of his next class and accused him of “breaking the law.” Before long, he was in the office of a male administrator who informed him that the exchange was “illegal,” hinted that the police were coming, and delivered him into the custody of the school’s resource officer. At the administrator’s instruction, that man ushered Sam into an empty room, handed him a blank sheet of paper, and instructed him to write a “statement of guilt.”

No one called me as this unfolded, even though Sam cried for about six hours straight as staff members parked him in vacant offices to keep him away from other students. When he stepped off the bus that afternoon and I asked why his eyes were so swollen, he informed me that he would probably be suspended, but possibly also expelled and arrested.

If Kafka were a middle-schooler today, this is the nightmare novel he would have written.

At a meeting two days later with my husband, Sam, and me, the administrator piled more accusations on top of the harassment charge—even implying, with undisguised hostility, that Sam and his friend were gay. He waved in front of us a statement from the girl at the table and insisted that Sam would need to defend himself against her claims if he wanted to prove his innocence. But the administrator refused to reveal the particulars of the complaint (he had also blacked out identifying details, FBI-style) and then hid the paperwork under a book. He declared that it was his primary duty, as a school official and as a father of daughters, to believe and to protect the girls under his care.

Eck… who edited this? It would have worked so much better without a fucking Kafka reference.

So, maybe it was the tone. I dunno. But most readers seem to regard this section as exaggerated, possibly fabricated.  The takeaway was “boo hoo, the nazi kid got punished for sexually harassing  a girl.” Heck: If a reader is truly dedicated to the #BelieveAllWomen mantra, then this description doesn’t warrant sympathy even if it’s entirely true. The kid said something that upset the girl. It wasn’t directed to her and it wasn’t about her. But still, he upset her, and she’s a girl, so he is bad and deserved whatever punishment was doled out to him.

And this got me thinking about my experiences in high school, as a student in the late 90s and a teacher in the mid-aughts. Administrators seemed to always be adopting some or other policy of harsh punishment for bad behavior: zero tolerance toward weapons, drugs, hats, disrespectful posture, electronic devices, swearing, Simpsons t-shirts, and mentally unhygenic reading materials. During dances and social gatherings, my middle school allowed students to bring in CDs from home. That was a decent policy, but anyone who attempted to play a “hip hop” track would receive an immediate suspension for “endorsing violence,” regardless of the track’s lyrical content. My high school adopted a firm anti-bullying policy, but once a boy came to school wearing a gothic dress as some kind of vague transgressive statement, and two separate male teachers called him a fag--out in the open, in front of everybody, as part of the official business of teaching.

Once, in 8th grade, two kids were caught taking over-the-counter caffeine pills. They didn’t get sick or anything; a girl saw them and she narced. They were arrested by the school resource officer, taken in a cop car to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped, and then summarily expelled, their young lives effectively ruined over 50 milligrams of a safe and legal stimulant. At an emergency assembly held the next day, the frog-faced principal croaked out a dire warning that the use of such drugs was strictly forbidden and we would all be subjected to the same fate, should we attempt to sneak in any No Doz. As he issued his stern warning, he slurped gluttonously from a 22-ounce mug of gas station coffee.

The point is, zero tolerance never really means zero tolerance. Rules are always--always, literally always, without exception in the whole of human history--enforced arbitrarily. Harsh policies rarely make anyone safer. They are employed instead to further humiliate and brutalize those who have already been rejected by the system. In my last two paragraphs, I cited the dumbest and most conspicuous examples of arbitrary cruelty that happened to pop into my head. This doesn’t cover the everyday, petty cruelties that teachers and administrators would exact upon kids they simply didn’t like. Without exception, these were the kids who were already marginalized: effeminate boys, masculine but unathletic girls, kids who dressed poorly, kids who spoke with accents, black kids, kids with learning disabilities or behavioral problems. These kids would be given detentions or even suspensions for minor infractions--looking away from the chalkboard, slouching, sneaking in candy, laughing at importune times, etc. It wasn’t the teacher’s fault, of course: zero tolerance and all that. But, strangely, the zero tolerance policies never seemed to apply to the popular, athletic, and/or well-connected kids. If Suzie Creamcheese was caught sneaking some Starburst during Algebra--well, she’s probably hungry, seeing as she works so hard. If Raul, Roofus, or Sheena were caught doing the same? God help them.

Some teachers were nicer than others, of course. Some were downright supportive. Others were simply evil. There was one, when I was in 7th grade, who was particularly repulsive and cruel--no kidding, his admiration of Rush Limbaugh was formative in my early-adopted hatred of American conservatives. He had matted red hair and teeth like a cracked picket fence and would wear a leather jacket out to lunch. Anyhow, he would prattle on about his hatred of kids who “Just. Refuse. To. Learn.” These kids were almost always black. Pure coincidence, I’m sure. He’d make a show of tossing them out of class--sometimes physically--for infractions as minor as getting an answer wrong when called upon. One time, a twitchy white kid who wore the same t-shirt every day called him out: It’s unfair, he said, that I’m getting thrown out of class for getting an answer wrong, when right before me another kid got several chances to respond.

The teacher turned beet red. He got on his knees and put his face two inches in front of the twitchy kid’s eyes. 

“I’m not throwing you out because you got the answer wrong,” he explained. “I’m throwing you out because you are you.”

Again, these are the conspicuous examples. The everyday stuff is harder to describe twenty-five years after it happened.  Most people were not brutalized and they didn’t have a single moment that ruined their life, but they were still exposed to a deeply unfair and cruel system, and such exposure naturally engenders feelings of betrayal, hopelessness, and anger.

Here’s my story--it’s particularly stupid. 9th grade. One day,  I walked into Spanish class, and the large woman who teaches in that classroom before my section grabbed me by the collar, physically lifted me out of my chair, and shoved her moist biscuit of a hand into my face. “What is this,” she demanded.

This was all very sudden. I could see nothing but her hand, which had a distinct fecal aroma.

“I don’t know,” I said.

She removed her hand. I looked down toward desk. She stood silently. I had no fucking idea what she was talking about.

“You’re gonna tell me what you did, right now, or I’m gonna double the detentions.”

I was still silent. Seriously, no idea what was going on. This enraged her. She began to count upward, starting at 3 detentions and stopping at 10, by which point tears were welling up and my face was flushed. I said I seriously did not know. She pointed to a small pentagram someone had engraved into the desktop. The desks, by the way, were movable. Anyone could have done it. She blamed me because she didn’t like me. I served 10 detentions and had to pay over a hundred dollars (a shitload of money for a 13-year-old) to get the desk refinished.

This isn't the end of the world, obviously. But it really, oddly broke me. Before, I had thought that so long as I did was I supposed to and didn’t break any rules, I’d be okay. Now I realized that was bullshit, that any vindictive cunt with a few ounces of power could punish me for any reason, at any time, and I wouldn’t be allowed to mount a defense. That’s the sort of thing that fucks with a kid’s head.  I mean, christ--it’s 23 years later and I’m still kinda pissed about it. I hope that woman is dead.

I regained a sense of control by stealing books from the woman’s classroom. A few times a week, I would grab a textbook when I came in, use it during class, and walk out with it. At the end of the school year, some friends and I burned them in a glorious bonfire along the banks of the Mississippi.

My response was petty and destructive, but I don’t feel any pengs of guilt or shame in remembering it. I had to do something to reassert agency, to feel like I had some control, and I managed to find a way to go about doing it that didn’t hurt anybody or get me into trouble. Regardless of the morality of my particular response, we can agree that kids are now much more surveilled than they were 20-odd years ago, and that minor mischief is now much more harshly criminalized. If a kid finds themself on the outs within their school, there’s really no way they can push back. Their only available avenue of asserting control over their lives is to wander into welcoming communities elsewhere…

One more anecdote then I’m done….

My sister was in high school during 9/11. The attacks were on a Tuesday, and the whole rest of the week was assemblies and talking circles and other such activities meant to assuage fear and gin up the hatred of the dirty brown bastards that done this. Two of my sister’s friends, older boys, were the sort of kids who read Howard Zinn and listened to Jello Biafra’s spoken word records. During one meeting, they expressed exasperation at a girl who was sobbing because she just, like, didn’t know why anyone would do that. The boys certainly didn’t approve of the attacks, but they tried to explain the whole concept of the US being an unhinged and murderous imperial power that had done much worse stuff all over the globe. The audience gasped. The boys were hauled into the principal’s office. They were charged with verbally assaulting the crying girl. One was suspended. The other expelled.

So, I dunno… go ahead. If you think due process is evil, that all victimhood claims are valid and should be taken at face value, and that kids of lesser social status should be demonized and made into criminals for upsetting members of the fair sex, then you do you. That’s fine if that’s what you believe. But please don’t be so naive as to think that the bulk of these newly criminalized behaviors are going to actually be malignant, or that the genuinely malignant behaviors of secure kids will be curbed in any way. Please respect yourself enough to realize that school admins aren’t magic sages with mature moral compasses--a plurality of them were business majors in college, for fuck’s sake. And most importantly, don’t be surprised if the kids you dismiss wind up doing some crazy or awful shit in response.

[purplesurveys]

1128

[created by: pinkchocolate]

When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Wednesday when Bea had food delivered to my house. One of our clients was hosting a roundtable session and our task was to order food to be delivered to the attendees’ house, and it turns out she snuck in an order for me as well. 

It was super touching and I tried to do a nice deed yesterday by getting food for her as well; but as I mentioned on my previous survey, I got paired with a scammer delivery guy instead who ended up stealing my order...that I already paid for... :( It was such a flop and I ended up having to give away the surprise to Bea since I had to check if she received it, and that’s when I learned she never got anything. I’ll try again next week or whenever I get my money refunded, hahaha.

What color was the last fruit or vegetable that you ate? Green (green onion).

Is there a compliment you've received, that sticks in your mind? I like it whenever I’m told I write well, since that’s my main talent and it’s always nice to be complimented on my skills.

The last time you received a gift, what did the wrapping paper look like? I have no idea but probably red/green and holiday-themed since it most likely had been a Christmas gift.

What was the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? Not reading anything.

If so, what did you specifically like about it?

Anyone you haven't talked to in a while, that you'd like to hear from? Not really. It’d be cool to hang out with Sofie again because I haven’t seen her since our little trip to Nasugbu, but I’m not necessarily waiting on a message from them.

When you were a kid, did you own any accessories with your name on? Probably a bracelet.

Do you own any items of clothing that you haven't yet worn? Yup. I got a yellow romper from one of my aunts for Christmas, but I haven’t had the chance to wear it yet. It’s short and airy, so I’ll probably pull it out once the climate gets warmer again.

Were you awake before 8am today? Yeah, I got up at 4:30 earlier even though I fell asleep at like midnight. I think my body understands that my brain wants me to get as little sleep as possible during weekends so I can maximize my free time, so it woke me up by then.

Is there any food in your house at the moment, that you're looking forward to eating? I still have some of the chicken wings that Bea ordered for me. She got such a huge order and it’s taking me forever to finish the damn box of wings lol.

Is there anyone you know who dislikes the Internet, technology etc.? My grandma refuses to learn how to use a phone or laptop. Which confuses me because usually she’ll ask my mom to relay a message to one of her friends who are on Facebook, and my mom ends up playing messenger. Like pls just get at least a Facebook account if you want to keep keeping in touch with your acquaintances anyway :(((

Name any item in your bedroom that is blue. Trying to remember what’s in my room since I’m currently staying in the living room...and I think I have push pins that are blue.

Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Rocky road and Double Dutch. Marshmallows and/or nuts in my ice cream is a big nope.

Are there any cat cafes in your hometown? There could be but I’ve heard little of them. I’m more aware of existing dog cafes.

Do you own any books with an image of a cat on the front cover? I doubt it.

Does anything you own have an image of a bird on it? It’s possible, but again I’m not in my room to check if that’s the case.

Do you know anyone named Abigail? Yes, my mom.

Do you ever use flavored lip balms? I don’t use lip balms at all.

^ If you do, what flavors do you like the most? Kate once had a peanut butter lip scrub that I loooooved to borrow. Other than that, the strawberry ones are nice too.

Does anyone you know own a spaniel? How about an Irish setter? My great-aunt once had a spaniel. Not sure about Irish setters.

What are your plans for the remainder of today? I wanna eat at La Creperie and spoil myself a litle bit, but we’ll see if I’ll have the energy to drive to the mall today. I’ll also have some work to do since we have a presentation on Monday :(

--

[created by: pinkchocolate]

Have you met somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yeah, ideally that would’ve been the case but they thought differently. I admittedly still feel the same, but I’ve also since been able to move on and move forward. If that makes sense.

Who was your closest friend when you were 7 years old? Do you still speak to that person? I actually met Angela when we were 7. And yes, we’re still the best of friends. I just shot a birthday greeting video for her mom last night.

Who was the last male you talked to? Does he have facial hair? Technically it was Cooper, but the last male person had been my dad. He does but for the most part he keeps it to a stubble.

How many times does the letter 'R' occur in your full name? Twice; in my first name and in my surname.

Is there anyone you love, whose name starts with 'S'? Sure, I can think of a couple of relatives whose names start with S.

What color is your TV remote? I haven’t used a remote in ages lmao, but if I remember correctly ours is mainly black.

When was the last time you went to a wedding? Who got married? 2007. My uncle and his then-girlfriend, who of course became my aunt when they wed. We’ve since had relatives who got married after that period, but for all those occasions only my parents received an invitation. It’s understandable though, I know they want to save up on costs and stuff.

Name a band you like, that starts with the 2nd letter of your name. One Direction is the only group coming to mind.

Have you ever dressed up as a Disney character? Which one? My 7th birthday gown was inspired by Cinderella’s, but it wasn’t the same exact dress as it was orange.

Have you ever played chess? If so, are you good at it? No. I’ve never been able to understand the rules.

If I wanted to buy you a chocolate bar, what kind should I NOT get? Mr. Goodbar has always been the least exciting chocolate to get hahaha.

Of all your close friends, who have you known the longest? Angela.

Do you own anything that has an image of a butterfly on it? Again, I could. I can’t think of any particular item, though.

Has anyone told you recently that they miss you? Yes, orgmates for the most part.

What was the last song you heard, that made you feel emotional? HYD by Hayley Williams.

What color are the socks you're currently wearing? I’m not wearing any socks right now. < Me neither.

How many friends do you have whose name starts with the letter 'R'? Just Rita.

How many vowels are there in your first name? One. Two if you count y.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Last Saturday, I think.

Name someone you know who has curly hair. Andi.

Have you ever worn orange eye-shadow? Never tried.

Name a song that reminds you of someone close to you. Be Alright by Dean Lewis.

Has anyone ever walked out of your life with no explanation? Yeah but they tried very poorly to keep in touch. It ended up being detrimental to me more than anything else so I took the initiative to be one step ahead and cut ties altogether.

Do you know anyone else with the same first name as you? I can think of one Robyn and one Robin.

Think back to 10 years ago. What TV show(s) were you into? Wrestling programs were all I watched as a 13 year old.

Do you have a favorite T-shirt? What color is it? Yes, one of my wrestling shirts. It’s predominantly white but it has some black and red on it as well.

As a child, did you ever have any scented gel pens or markers? Yessssssss. I spent more time sniffing them than writing with them too, lol.

Name an alcoholic beverage that you dislike. I find whiskey pretty nasty. I hate beer as well but sometimes I gotta drink it, especially when socializing.

Do you own anything that previously belonged to someone else? I wouldn’t say I own them; they do belong to the original owner and I’m just still borrowing them.

Who is the 8th contact in your phone? How did you meet them? That would be Angela haha; we met when we got assigned to be seatmates in 1st grade since our surnames were arranged alphabetically in class.

Is there anyone who sends you messages to say good morning/night? No.

Can you recall the last time you were on a dance floor? March 2020, at a club with mostly Hans’s friends.

Have you ever let someone go, and then regretted it? No.

Do you own any color changing mood jewelry? Nope and I don’t believe in those either so I don’t see a reason why I should get my own.

--

[created by: pinkchocolate]

Was there anything that you planned to do today, but didn't? It’s only 7:06 AM so I’ll refer to my plans yesterday instead – I wanted to continue working on a Google Slides presentation by nighttime, but I was so tired from my shift yesterday and even got a migraine that I never got around to it. I’ll have to work on it this weekend instead.

Is there anyone you interact with often on social media but not in person? I mean, hasn’t this been the case over the last year with the pandemic? I communicate mainly through social media now, if not through IM apps like Viber.

What color box does your favorite cereal come in? Don’t really like cereal. The closest thing I have to a ‘favorite,’ Cookie Crisps, comes in a white box, though.

Do you have any plates, dishes, mugs etc. with pretty illustrations on them? Nah, don’t really like printed stuff. Angela had a customized Friends-themed mug made for me but I wouldn’t call it an ~illustration, since the main design is just my name styled in the Friends logo.

Does anywhere on your body currently hurt, or feel sore? I actually took a break from this survey to take Cooper for a walk, and I think I can confirm that I definitely have some kind of allergy to grass. My legs were super irritated the whole time and my skin has since turned reddish.

What is your favorite snack to eat with a hot beverage? Croissants.

Is there any advice you have been given, that sticks in your mind? “Let your healing take time,” from Andi. He also accompanied it the advice with an anecdote about this basketball player who insisted on playing even while he was still dealing with an injury, and playing only aggravated that injury so he was forced to sit out for an even longer time than what was initially set for him. That was really helpful and I keep it close to me to this day.

What's the nicest advice you have ever been given about love/relationships? Know when it’s enough and when to leave, and be kind to yourself.

Do you own any adult coloring books? What kind(s) do you like? Yeah, I have like three thick ones. I just haven’t gotten the chance to touch them because for the meantime I only have cheap coloring pencils that start to get dull after a few strokes. I’ve yet to buy a more premium set of pencils.

When was the last time you got some new headphones? Headphones would be 2013 when my dad got me a pair of Beats. Not a big user so I haven’t felt the need to get new ones.

Is there a lamp in your living room? What color is its shade? No but my mom has wanting to get one for a while. She just can’t seem to find one that she likes.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with the letter X? I went to high school with a Xenia. Super nice guy; we were close friends for a while since we were seatmates, and our friend groups also overlapped.

Have you eaten any rice or pasta today? Not yet. I will definitely be eating rice though, because Philippines.

Name a food that you dislike the texture of. I don’t like rice pudding at all, or oatmeal. But those are also taste issues as well as texture issues. < Oooh, oatmeal is a good one. I also could never enjoy marshmallows in my ice cream.

Which of your friends do you confide in the most? Angela.

Have you ever fallen out of love with someone? I wouldn’t say that. There will still always be a part of me that has some sort of feelings for my exes. But the extent to which I love them/care about them fades over time, thankfully. < Yeah, exactly.

^ If so, why do you think that happened?

If you have pets, do you talk to them? Sure.

Are there any TV shows that you strongly dislike, but others seem to love? I tried to get into Grey’s Anatomy or Glee on Netflix, because they were “popular”, but I tried a few episodes, and just couldn’t seem to get into them. < OMG same again, especially with Grey’s??? I tried watching it a couple of weeks ago but I noped out as soon as I heard how poppish the theme song was. I’ve always thought it was a serious drama show but it turned out to have so many teen show elements to it that I was definitely taken aback. The script and some of the acting also kind of sucked, so that was a letdown.

Is there anything you haven't done lately, that you'd like to do soon? Coloring.

Do you own any T-shirts with brand logos on them? Yes, my dad got me a Vegemite shirt from his last contract abroad hahah. He was staying in Australia and I asked him to get a jar of Vegemite so I can finally have a taste, but I think he was scared that I’d hate it and end up throwing out the whole jar so he just got me a shirt instead lol. I’ve also got a Nike shirt somewhere in my closet.

Have you experienced any kind of food cravings lately? Surprisingly not. I’ve been longing to eat at La Creperie again but I’m not craving for anything particular.

Have you watched or read the news today? I watch the news every weeknight since we have it on during dinner.

Describe the cover illustration of the book closest to you. Can’t see any books near me.

Are there any take-away or fast food places close to your house? There’s a McDonald’s literally beside our village, and beside it are a Shakey’s and a Dunkin’ Donuts. There’s also a Burger King right across. If you drive for like five more seconds, there’ll also be a Starbucks.

^ If so, do you ever order food from any of them? Only from Starbucks. I don’t really get fast food anymore.

Is there anything happening tomorrow, that you're looking forward to? Nothing yet so far.

[quiteunpersuadable]

Take a ramble with me, friends in the void...

Found families and long term, through the growth phases friends are on my mind (Blame the deancas fic I’ve been reading. Also, blame folklore (I don’t know why but it’s ever present) and my reread of Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender).

Found families are less on my mind, except in how they feed into the long term, through the growth phases friends. They fuel one another, and I’d like both. 

Now, down to what my brain’s been writing for me this evening (Yes, it’s about my experiences in all my 26 years. These are void journal entries.):

I do not have any long, long term friends. I have friends from growth phases. Some last into another phase, and some do not last. I can provide evidence of this phenomenon from elementary school. When I moved from one school to what became my middle/high school, I kept the friends who moved with me. I realize that’s normal. Kids do not have the ability to travel of their own volition, and we did not have cell phones that allowed for unlimited communication at. reasonable price. I kept in contact with my best friend (see: unbeknownst to me, first crush) through 7th and into 8th grade, but we drifted.

Middle to high school: Same school, so it only changed when one friend moved. We stayed in contact through 10th grade, and she was the beginning of the three year trend. I had one constant friend through 15 years, but we grew apart in high school and were just friendly. 

Undergrad: One friend (see: second crush, quite possibly could have been young love if it wasn’t for my repressed emotions and lack of self knowledge) from high school stayed in contact with me through three years of undergrad (see? three year trend). We only stopped talking because she never called me back after her study abroad program. I tried calling and texting her 13 times (yes, I know, but I didn’t know if she did the 12-week or 16-week program so I was worried she wasn’t getting the messages) over a two month period. That was six years ago, and I still wonder why but that’s another ramble. 

Anyway, I made friends my first year living in a dorm, and the dorm life was what we had in common. We stayed in touch through most of undergrad, and we’ve meet up once or twice since but it’s more like a reunion than anything else. 

My main friend from undergrad stayed in my life until 2018. That’s technically four years, but she graduated my second year in college and I finished a year early so it’s messy time wise anyway. 

M.Ed. program: This was a small program -- ten people. I thought most of them were insufferable. I only liked one classmate, she became a friend, and she’s kind of stuck around until this year. The last time we talked was because she was quarantined and bored out of her mind, and I could tell that was the only reason she contacted me. I haven’t felt like we’ve had a proper friendship since last year. 

1st job/Teaching/Whatever life is now: Fourth year teaching, and I have friends at this job. One moved out-of-state at the beginning of this school year, and I miss him. He was my touchstone at this job, and he drew the other people in the friend group around me. I don’t have anything in common with them otherwise. My other good friend here will properly drift when I go to a library next year. 

My realization may years ago is that I have friends through my school/program/work rather than outside shared interests. I didn’t learn how to make friends based on my favorite books or songs or characters or hiking trails or crochet patterns or recipes or whatever else I love.

I was a repressed eldest child who was academically perfect, fulfilling parental expectations, who reached middle school and fell into chronic pain. When my chronic pain started, I was focused on functioning, pretending to be ok, and fulfilling my role in the family. I didn’t mature emotionally at a developmentally normal rate, and, as an adult, I’m learning who I truly am and what emotions I feel. I simply did not allow emotions because how else could I fulfill the roles I’d played for so long? Not being a grump was enough. I only had energy to do my schoolwork and function. 

My chronic pain is more or less predictable now, so I know when it’ll get worse or why I hurt (thanks, today’s cold front). I’m finally at a place when I want to become emotionally involved in another person’s life. I want a friendship based on who I am now and what I enjoy -- what we can enjoy together. I’m tired of being the stoic, smart ass. I’m just tired of not being me. The repressed part of me still exists around family, and I’m working on that. They expect a certain me, after all. 

Anyway, found family and long, long term friends, why did I start with that and meander through my lack of both? Simply this: I’m ready and waiting to find those people. I’m just not sure how to reach out. Real life? Online to people who seem interesting? It’s this year of our pandemic, so it’s not like the avenues I thought about last year are possible now that I have the drive to engage. I’m navigating it slowly, and I’ll get there. Nonetheless, I know I’m ready, and that’s quite possibly the most important step to being open to change. 

[princessmcpurpledork711]

Can we know more about the Soledad's cousins?

Yes! Fernando Soledad and his wife Kayla have a daughter named Camille, 17, and a son named Mason, 13.

Camille is a sweet girl. She's attending a private, all girl school and has the highest grades in the class. She's super polite and friendly towards everyone she meets. She's really into science and technology, president of chemistry and robotics clubs. Plus she's a tennis star, she loves tennis. Adults adore her, and her parents love her so much. Even with her punk rock GF, theyre wary of her, but as long as Camille is happy then their accepting. (Everyone at school however thinks she's crazy to date someone like Trinity. Camille doesn't understand what the big deal is because she thinks Trinity is sweet and fun)

Mason has retreated into himself recently. His dad automatically assumed that Mason should do the things that Camille has, like join a sport, and go to the private middle school she went to. Mason always felt like he was in the shadow of Camille because she was so perfect. His dad was always so happy and proud whenever Camille did anything, and he has started to subconsciously put that pressure on Mason. He couldn't play sports, he only wanted to draw. He wasn't as smart or nice as Camille. He stressed over grades and couldn't talk to people without getting anxious or annoyed. When he left sixth grade, his dad told him about the private school. Mason freaked out because he didn't want to go. He would leave his only friend, Ryuki. His dad was just confused and pushed him into a silent agreement. Mason couldn't talk to his dad anymore, or anyone. His mom got so worried. Even Camille started to worry. He closed himself to his room all of 7th grade. He wouldn't talk more than a few words a day to them. He would just stay in his room and study. His mom and sister would try to talk to him but he wouldn't respond. His dad just assumed it was a puberty thing and didn't stress about it because he saw how worried his girls were.

Mason spent most of 7th grade year doing schoolwork or in his bed not doing anything. He started texting Ryuki back less and less, until he stopped by maybe March or April. He didn't stop getting messages though, Ryuki kept him informed about what was happening in his life, and Mason just kept getting more depressed. His friend was having fun without him, he had friends, and he was alone. Bullied at school, no longer drawing, and no one he wanted to talk to. He hated that he started to resent his sister just for being her, his mom and Ryuki for persistently asking if he was OK. And his dad for not knowing who he is. And he kept that to himself because he hated thinking that way at all.

It was October in his 8th grade year when he met his cousins. They all came over for a barbeque and he was planning to spend most of it hiding in his room. But his parents told him to take his cousin Stephanie with him because they were the same age. (Adrian and the twins hung out with Camille and Al with his uncle and aunt while the younger ones ran around the huge backyard) Mason just complied and they went to his room. Neither could talk to each other. They were too awkward. But Steph saw some of his art on his desk and asked him about it. It was really awkward at first, but they started to open up because of art. Stephanie off mentions her friends, and ends up saying Ryuki. Mason was in shock. How did she know Ryuki? Steph tells him that they go to the same school and they became friends. Mason immediately closes himself off again. Hes angry and sad and frustrated at himself for feeling that way. Steph figures out that he is the friend Ryuki always talks about and always texts but never gets a response from. Steph tells Mason that Ryuki misses him so much, and Mason can't really believe that. His depression is way up high and his self-esteem is way down low. Steph can relate so much. She tells him all about how she feels and they start to relate to each other and he finally opens up about how he's been feeling. She convinces him to reach out to Ryuki again not now but soon. And she knows Al has been talking to her uncle, so she suggest they all start talking about how to fix their relationship.

It takes a bit, but Fernando and Mason start to fix their relationship. Mason starts talking to his mom. And him and Camille start doing things together again. Honestly, Camille was stressed out of her mind everyday to try to keep her parents happy, and was kinda jealous that Mason got to hide away. She also resents herself for feeling that way. But Mason just laughs and they feel like they can be siblings again. And when Mason meets up with Ryuki again, they just hug and Mason cries about how sorry he is, Ryuki didn't care, he's just glad his friends back. They all let him join the friend group and he tells his dad he doesn't want to go to private high school, but the high school his friends and cousin are going to. Fernando lets him, finally glad he understands his son better.

And as for Camille, she and Adrian become great friends, her and her GF become part of their friend group, Trinity and the rest of the garage kids get along really well. Adrian playfully teases Camille, and she starts to playfully tease back, finally feeling more comfortable being playful and less stressed about everything.

[mattkeepsrambling]

Horror Revisited

I have been lying to you, dear reader. To be fair, I have also been lying to myself. For years I have been saying that I "scare like a 5-year-old girl," and while that is partially true, I have used it as an excuse for not seeing horror movies. I have kept a log of all the media I have consumed (movies, tv shows, audiobooks, and books) since my school closed because of COVID 19. As of July 7th, 2020, I have watched 114 movies, 23 seasons of television, listened to 13 audiobooks and read 16 books. 10 of those movies have been 13 have been horror movies of one kind or another (mostly horror and horror-comedies). I am not including "The Silence of the Lambs or Hannibal in that number. Those were more suspense than horror (I was lead to believe they had more horror elements to them).

I have made a determined effort to watch more in the horror genre. I have dipped my toe on occasion, but after the last few months, I have to say that I am not as much of a scaredy-cat as I claim to be. There has only been one moment in these movies that I have had a hard time with. I will get to the highlights in just a second, but first, I want to look at how I got here.

I really have been watching more and more horror movies lately, but the truth is, I have just noticed it more as of late. Let me take you back to my childhood. There was a show on Nickelodeon that I loved. It was a show about a group of kids who would meet at night in the woods and sit around a campfire and tell scary stories. I am talking about, "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" This show was my first taste of horror, kiddy horror, but horror none the less. I do not recall having any nightmares because of this shot. There were some genuinely scary things going on in some episodes. I wouldn't have called myself a horror fan, but we were at least on good terms early on.

There are two events that I can point to where my relationship changed. One was a birthday party in 7/8th grade, where I saw "Bride of Chucky." To this day, I can remember the scene that gave me nightmares. It was when a couple was in a bed, getting intimate when the mirror hanging above the bed was broken, and the couple was impaled. I think that is when my aversion started. I had seen bits of horror movies (Halloween, I think) at a sleepover, but it didn't affect me as much as "Bride of Chucky." Then in college, I saw "Saw." No issues. It's a damn good movie and spawned a billion sequels. And that is where I can trace back my aversion to horror movies too. When I watched "Saw 2," it was awful on multiple levels. The movie was terrible, but there was enough in it that made sleep tough for weeks. Two things that stick out for me. One was where someone has to go into an incinerator (for some reason) and is burned to death. The other scene was where someone had to get a key out of a pit full of used heroin needles. Enough of the visuals stuck with me and played a big part in why I stayed away from horror movies for a long time.

I have written about my new interest in horror, but I wanted to take a second to look at a few highlights from my quarantine watch list.

Midsommar and Hereditary: Both these movies were written and directed by Ari Astor. He is someone to keep on eye on. These were released a year apart (Hereditary 2018 and Midsommar 2019) and are stunning pieces of art. They have a lot to say, and they both reward repeat viewings. I like Midsommar better and would revisit that first. These are both movies that numerous articles have been written about, and they are rife for in-depth analysis.

The Thing: This was the original "The Thing" from 1982. It was so creepy, and I loved it. Once things get going, the movie is very unsettling as you never know if someone has been taken over by the creature or not. If you haven't seen it, it is worth a watch. The creature effects hold up surprisingly well.

Child's Play: This was the most recent version from 2019. It is awful. Not even so bad, it's enjoyable, just terrible. I went with this for two reasons; 1) it was on Amazon Prime and 2) the experience mentioned above with "Bride of Chucky." I liked the idea of making the doll more technology-based, given our tech-heavy society, and that is about it. In the original, the soul of a serial killer possesses the toy, but here the doll learns violence from people. I feel like it is trying to say something, but it fails miserably, and what it tries to say is stupid.

Friday the 13th: I had never seen any of these, and most of them are Amazon Prime. It has not aged well. Every female character is introduced with a comment on their looks. It's decent, but it takes a lot from "Halloween." A friend of mine told me that the producers knew they were ripping off "Haloween." It was fun (did you know Kevin Bacon was in it?!?!?!?!) and I'll get around to the other ones at some point.