#...this feels kinda ick to say on the internet-

[martianbugsbunny]

What this website really needs is a button that will allow me to filter all y/n content out of my feed so I don't ever have to see it because I absolutely can't stand it, my ass does not want to be in a relationship with my favorite characters my ass wants them to be dating each other

[mrsdickey]

shitty sketch and a yap sesh

feel free to skip. i usually dont rant abt things, but when i do, i get kind of uppity about it. it is long, i just wanna get my feelings out yk. im probably gonna b taking a small break, as a result of my uncomfort on the internet right now and i just. dont know what to draw lol.

ok cracks knuckles loudly ahemmmm

im feeling uncomfortable,

sorry if i seem irrational in this. i just want to be heard.

i dont really know how to word this properly, but sometimes i feel like the love for these characters is a fucking competition.

i hate the idea that people will be like "**I** am bill/pete/jerry/josh's #1 fan!!!!!! nobody else!!!!" im sorry, it just pushes me away from the fandom. and to see people worrying about having to be shit on for having female OC's in the club really pisses me off. gatekeeping isn't it.

i know every fandom is like this. its annoying as hell and i know better to just not post my feelings like this, and to just ignore them, but it makes me hellllllla uncomfortable. it makes me wanna hide.

im genuinely so attached to bill that it's really fucking with me. he's my main comfort, as ridiculous as it sounds. im very mentally ill and lonely, and bill is kind of my "escape" from my stressful life. sometimes it makes me cry, to see myself implode like the fucking titan sub all for a goddamn fictional character. all i think about is him, it's like a fucking parasite eating at my already fucking rotten brain. work? bill. home? bill. hanging with my family? bill. literally everything else? bill. and seeing people wanting to assert themselves as the MAIN fan of that character just gives me the fucking ick. as much as i looooove bill to the point of literal crying fits, im never gonna call myself his biggest fan. (sometimes i call myself his fave but that's more of an in-universe headcanon thing rather than a "he loves ME more!!" thing shhhhb)

anyways, i dont want the love and appreciation for these characters to be a competition. but i have the feeling that it is. and it makes me really sad. this isn't what dorkin wanted.

i know i always stress "no doubles" when it comes to my selfshipping with bill. and i still do...but its kinda ridiculous to assert yourself as THEE #1 fan of a character, and then shoving it into peoples' faces. it feels gross.

i hate hate hate hate hateeee posting about this kind of shit, i wanna keep my account positive, but i genuinely feel like i needed to air out my negative feelings for once in my fucking life.

i am sorry if this is problematic and aggressive. i have strong feelings about these sorts of things. i know none of this matters in real life to some people. but in my boring, lonely ass life, it does matter to me. a whole fucking lot.

i really, REALLY love the eltingville club. but sometimes i feel like its own fandom is what it's criticizing. that's not to say **everyone** in this fandom is like this, i KNOW not all of us are like this. and i really appreciate the people calling this shit out.

with that, i hope i can still continue to post about the eltingville club and not worry about being unworthy.

and to my small circle regulars, who like even my yumeship posts, thank you. i really appreciate you guys. and im sorry if i dont interact with you guys as much as i should.

anyways erm!! i might delete this, but for now, im probably gonna hide for a bit gaahaha you can find me on discord sob

""i aint reading allat sorry that happened or congratulations"" headass lmao

[the-scrappy-stinger]

The last line just makes me realize something big and it makes perfect sense

I have this code of reading: Reading a 1000 bad books till I get to a good one

I feel like a lot follow this code similarly, like they read a lot in order to weed out the bad stuff and keep the good stuff, kinda like gardening

But doing so can be unproductive and ineffective cuz it can take up their times and money, not to mention the different personal preferences, I have certain preferences that might make it difficult to find one good book

Yeah a lot of people think some of us are being mean bitches cuz we "have problems with conventionally beautiful sexy characters", honey watching porn is sometimes more self respecting than whatever smutty shit this is, okay gooner content isn't bad and it's not bad we want GOOD gooner content, at least make the sex believable, else I could've just go watch porn if these people can't fuck right. Yes that's basically how I see it and I have no shame about it, ppl either overly glorify sex (make it seem sexy and good while it's not) or underhanded it (Literally what you said about dubcon)

But I barely see any normalized having sex smut, bruh it's like the most basic thing, it's not that bad, even being awkward and shy about it is good if it's recognized well, I'm fine if it's described as toxic, the important thing is that the narrative accepts it as it is, not these "Crimes are cute" bullcraps, writers these days are so weak to recognize their stories have flaws so they try to act like it's perfectly flawless which ofc ended up extremely pretentious (Like our dear boy, Oishinbo-san)

I guess after a long time sampling different kinds of fiction and building up my taste of fiction and a fictional browsing alarm: Basically I saw certain cues that this story is really going the same old stupid route I hate so I basically just leave, not wasting time, I even picked up a artist that feels like they're super into huge age gap problematic and GLORIFY it, no one is gonna hate you if you like that disgusting trope of hentai if you know the real thing is worse and not to be endorsed

A friend told me a long while ago about someone they met who kept pushing for a grossly romanticized relationship between an adult and a kid trope agenda and acts like it's the best thing in fantasy but when my friend told that someone there's a book that actually writes their ship realistically, they look disgusted at my friend for mentioning that, as though the reality is ruining their fantasy and they're not the one who's literally endorsing pdfile here

We basically realized that apparently the only way to talk about problematic stuff is to romanticize it and honestly A BIG LOW, I'm just saying I'm in no higher moral ground to judge anyone for their gross tastes but like at times they really do confuse reality and fiction so much, giving them a taste of reality can make them hate you, a bad trend these days and y'know I think we should keep that coming, some of these idiots really don't know shit about reality and sometimes they might make real mistakes that can majorly harm themselves and their lives, probably why almost every famous ppl on the internet is being exposed for being a groomer

I guess it depends on what your benchmark is for content that can turn you off. It's not like AO3 where it's all tagged, either, so sometimes you're just rolling along and the Ick hits you like the truck that hit the protagonist before they reincarnated as Princess Flugledegoogle de Bunkersteengrad. With me specifically it's princes/kings/dukes/whatever that bully the female lead until she agrees to sex with them, and the book treats it as romantic.

Like, sometimes I gotta remember that the target demo for some of these books is teenage human kids that have crushes on older teachers or whatever, so the huge age gap thing isn't problematic FOR THEM like it would be for me. But SPECIFICALLY the romantic eye towards being pushed into a relationship you don't want? THAT creeps me out even worse, because that's WAY more normalized than a 20 year age gap.

[radioregine]

remember how i was working thru my thoughts on ownership/distribution of art the other day?

ive changed my mind abt deleting, if it's something you made and provided for free then i think you should have carte blanche to delete the shit if you get sick of it

idk why i still torture myself w reddit but the people on there have such a weird mean entitled attitude over people deleting fanfic. saw ppl saying things like 'it's a faux pax' 'you're disingenuous for pretending like you had nothing to do with fandom' 'you're an asshole if you take it away' 'something really serious needs to happen before you do something like that' etc and it all just gave me the ick. it feels almost culty like 'once you're in you CANNOT distance yourself you CANNOT renege on any ideas and Don't You Know It'll Never Really Be Gone From The Web Anyways?'

like, yeah, ofc the internet is forever -- which is precisely why it makes sense to let authors have what little demblance of control they can have over their work?

it just puts such a bad taste in my mouth because ive deleted shit before ao3 existed and after ao3 began and it's like, if this how y'all react to fanfic what does that bode for original work --

--but ACTUALLY i do kinda have an inkling abt that bc something else ive thought of a lot is how certan hannigram fans get super possessive over hugh and mads and pick apart anything they perceive as a slight against the ship / show ... in particular they think dancy doesn't get 'sufficiently' enthusiastic outside of cons about the show anymore and it's like. holy fuck. artists are allowed to grow tired of their past work! one of my fav bands considers my fav album by them to be their worst. they hardly play anything from it anymore on tours. im not gonna sit and stew over that

[enstarsopinions]

esupuri is enstars's new shotacon bait and i' m not being a hater thats just the truth. i am a hajimeP and i know how much enstars do all kinds of bait to atract the audience, even my fav boi was used as one of those. my entire fav unit was. thats how life and gacha games work, no shade, really. i just feel a little bitter in my mouth, because esupuri could have been done so much better, their personality and queer coding is cool asf but then we have 14/15 years old debuting like 💀💀💀 i know ra*bits were this young when they debuted, but they had nazuna as their senior they were not by themselves not a bit. all this esupuri situation gives me a ick. and to all enstars fans going on your replies asking you to not use the characters tags to post your "hate" yall are too weak to other people opinions. really. this is real life baby, people do have other opinions about your charas stop being a crybaby asking op to delete? yall should be ashamed for being like this. lfmao its not even hate, at all!!! oh god, internet normalized the weirdest things. do yall really have the ability to discuss and present arguments as a healthy person should do to opinions they dont agree?

– anon, enstarie for 5 whole years. this fandom has become a boring ass place.

holy shit anon this is exactly what I was about to say. espr is really just my least favorite unit and my post about them is very much self explanatory ehm ehm so is my tumblr url

Look I've been an enstarrie for like 2 years already but I've seen shit go down here in enstars more than any other fandom I'm in currently (will not name because this acct is just es focused) and honestly I just can't help but be flabbergasted just how small or kinda dumb the things that a majority of the fandom is making a fuss about.

though I kinda agree that the fandom is getting boring and some of the ppl are literally the reason why I don't even interact with the fandom but yeah

[runthepockets]

Honestly, as a man, I think most of my greivances have been with online leftism and the attitudes the queer and feminist spaces have towards men in them have been more damaging than almost anything else in my life. I've stopped thinking about my middle school bullies, and everyone knows my abusive mom and ex girlfriend are insane, but the attitudes I'd been faced with on the internet as a teen still seem to sit with me.

It's the constant judgement. The perpetual social hierarchy of how men are only ever oppressors and be wrong in situations. "Never trust a man who says all his exes are crazy, be wary of men who speak poorly of their mothers" while women who say all their exes are crazy and speak poorly of their fathers are only ever met with sympathy and the usual "lol yeah men are trash". Masculine hobbies and modes of presentation being put down to uplift feminine ones, "when you see a 10/10 girl with a 4/10 guy" comments just cus the guy looks like a dude who works at Target rather than a goddamn movie star, penises and facial hair and deep voices are yucky disgusting, The Ick, "hate when big groups of men are laughing, what's so funny, rape and misogyny?" Videos of dudes crying and talking about how they're having a hard time is just met with ridicule and emasculating commentary from both men and women who posture themselves as kinder and smarter than the status quo, "weh weh raise the male suicide rate they're all rapists and abusers anyway", other dudes siding with women who do this shit cus they're more concerned with being One Of The Good Ones than they are having a fucking spine or a sense of individuality, not realizing they're just the male equivalent of pickme girls.

Idk man it just hurts me. I've been abused by a lot of women, had my sexual advances blown wildly out of proportion because the women in question either regretted engaging with me later or wanted to keep running with this narrative that they have no agency and are perpetually victims in their own lives even though I haven't really done anything to make them believe this, and all it gets me in these spaces is blank stares and awkward silences, when I know if the genders were flipped I'd get nothing but endless support. I'm not as upset about one of my exes making false rape accusations against me as I was as a teenager, but I'm sometimes nervous around bringing it up in leftist spaces at all because I figure folks are just gonna find a way to warp it and make me feel like I imagined the whole thing and that my ex had every right to be a shit to me because she's a girl and girls doing anything is Girl Power, even when it's actively harming others.

I'm sure me being black and trans plays a big role in this too, but again, 1) I'm not a fan of putting emphasis on my marginalization for brownie points, 2) I actually am straight, masculine, gender conforming despite those marginalizations, so there's really no identifiers for me to hide behind and claim "false comparison" over, I actually am all those things that online queer and feminist spaces take issue with and it still sucks and has actively done damage to my self esteem over the years and 3) I've seen other men-- cis, white, whatever-- of all backgrounds talking about their frustrations with this too. It's just another form of socially acceptable bullying and I kinda hate it.

People ask why I go stealth irl, why I don't go out of my way to befriend a ton of queer and liberal people my age, and why I'm adverse to communities that pride themselves on being diverse and all accepting and shit, well this is why. Cus every time I talk about a problem or criticize reactionary sentiment in those spaces, I'm met with me just being ~a pathetic man who's too sensitive to letting marginilized people vent~, I'm told that I'm part of the problem, I'm told that if I stopped being so rape-y and entitled and if I just fell in line like a good little man that I wouldn't have any of these problems, no actual solutions or sympathy, just condescension.

Yeah, of course I identify with bro culture, speak highly of masculinity, and entertain playful douchebaggery after years of that. That stuff saved my life and isn't hostile to my existence or my desires. I'm loud, energetic, assertive, with a hazing / controversial sense of humor and morality, there is no timeline where I'm going to be defanged and docile and see it as acceptable to walk all over someone for things they can't help, no matter how "privileged" they are. These subcultures let me be a man in a way a lot of online (and honestly, irl) leftist spaces aren't really willing to allow or deal with.

[jrueships]

I think Jalen and Gup will still remain friends but I hope whoever is leaking these video suffer a faith worst than… lol

literally!!! say it louder!! like the de-realism of it all. the 'ENTERTAINMENT' of it all. It's entertainment>emotions always, and it's soo sick. Their relationship is strong still, which I love, but ever since that leak.. it's been overanalyzed and picked apart EXHAUSTINGLY!! Ppl are going back to any material they can find of the two together and just heaping BUCKETS of immaturity onto them. Talkin like 'oh see? This random dude with them made an expression THAT MEANS HE KNOWS AND HE H A T ES THEM. HE IS DISGUSTED.' and it's just SOOOO. UGH. ICK! UGH! i'd zay go find a hobby but being homophobic is literally their hobby. It's just so blatant and disgusting, and media is a GREAT tool for them to dish all that shit out without consequence. The way they can and DESIRE to constantly go back and pick apart the past just from the chance that it can spread even more hate is UGHHHH!!! i HATE it!!! Boundaries aren't SHIT anymore! Respect is trodden and relationships can get rotten AND NO ONE CARES!!!!!

It's a really good thing that jalen green's nature and upbringing as one of the hyped top picks has kind of steadied him through this. He doesn't turn off his comments (for what I know), he's BEEN getting painted nail comments and he just keeps painting them bcs who gives af? They're internet people. He's the People's people.. without even caring about the worser half of that lot. He doesn't care. But it's also kind of sad. But that's just how this world is

What im worried about mainly is gup like... gup's always been more attentive to any kind of hate or would-be hate he gets. Green's even noticed it bcs interacting with the haters (on an image level) is never a good thing. HE'S been forced to learn and get with that kinda practice bcs he's jalen green. He can't speak more as jalen green bcs. He's jalen green. He can only have the comforts of an allowed argument ..in the comforts of a fuckin burner account.

That's one thing I like about Kd, although he might not be a fav player of mine (I just personally don't rlly care for him but can understand why others do. He's very complex and way more interesting than the media tries to portray. I just kinda missed the kd era in bball and moved on, it's just a personal whatever) .. he stopped (for the most part of what we know) with the burners and uses his voice a lot. He's older, he doesn't gaf about not giving a fuck. He doesn't HAVE to , and he doesn't WANT to. He embraces being a hater and a speaker now. Unlike Jalen and Josh, he has more abilities AND experience.

Which is just so sad that alot of the things basketball players need to worry abt can be from off the court. And We're not talking being a role model or whatever, We're talking always having to watch your back ESPECIALLY when your work environment can get very quickly hostile as it is so often sold as hostility being a propelling marketing principle. Nobody can have fun anymore or be kids or a lot of things.

LIKE!!! gup can't defend himself well because he's not trained well enough as someone who's a lower pick so therefore less worry to the business. Bro is just a pawn they can trade away whenever shit gets rough. AND IT'S SO SAD THAT HE H A S TO EVEN GET TRAINING IN THE FIRST PLACE??? on how to WHAT?? Feel less? IT'S SOO. UGHHHHHH!!

When gup posted that picture of him and a woman (with like long pink pedicure nails) holding his face where he was tryin to make it look chill even tho it was very obvious on how hard he was trying to show how that hand holding his face was very obviously a woman's hand and not a man's ... as a 'response' to that video....... like. I saw it n i didn't even screenshot. And yall KNOW me, i love taking photos of things i find funny n sharing it with yall! BUT JUST YALL. YALL CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. not to THE PERSON, not blasting smthin that could be embarrassing all over the media. There's BOUNDARIES to shit, even the smallest shit! But what i meant with this is.. u know. Usually i enjoy kinda embarrassing moves. But this? This was just str8 up Sad. Like. That was all he could even do to try and defend himself, his friendships, his LIFEstyle. That was the only power he had was some miserably pr picture without pr in a sad attempt at personal protection.

And of course, the rest of the internet thought it was the funniest shit ever and blew that boundary up. Bcs they don't gaf and the best (perhaps only) thing these young guys can do is try and not gaf either AND THAT IS SO FUCKIN SAD!!! LIKE! THAT'S JUST SAD. I get sadness can be entertainment, yeah... FICTIONAL sadness, i can SEE. an ARTFUL, blossoming yet still Respecting some boundaries while exploring others, FICTIONAL (saying this AGAIN) sadness can be quality entertainment. Quality as in ure not an absolute shithead for sharing it if you still respect it.

BUT THIS SHIT IS REALLL! AND IT'S NOT GETTING RESPECTED. A REAL THING THAT ACTUALLY REQUIRES THAT RATHER THAN A FICTIONAL THING BCS RESPECT IS AND SHOULD BE REAL but it's just NOT so much anymore and UGHHHH!!!!

Their friendship is REAL! THEIR LIVES AND EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS N FUCKIN EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM IS REAL BCS THEYRE REAL HUMAN BEINGS JUST LIKE EVEEYONE ELSE!!! and it's just so DISGUSTING that a reminder and a worry even has to be made but that's just how the world runs when it's ran on entertainment, i fuckin Guess .

[amurotoorudesu]

!!TW SEXUAL HARRASMENT TOWARDS MINOR, SWEARING!!

!!YOUVE BEEN WARNED!!

a rant that just suddenly happened to me but idk where to vent so i vented here, sorry.

just get sexually harassed by someone i dont even know... i asked my mom who it was and she kinda give me that ick look

so what had happened was my mom told me to give this nasty old ahh granpa a 1kg of eggs (since irl my parents have a kind of "warung serba ada" you often see in indonesia and you can search it down in google) and okay being the good child that rarely home due to staying in my boarding school i do it since we also need money (especially for removing my tooth tomorrow) and then that granpa didnt know me, i was like "oh okay! people often don't know me bcs i spent almost 2 years in the new boarding school across that place!" and then he started to ask where my mom was, and i replied with what currently happened, my mom was in accident, bla bla bla and ask why am i home, i said "oh i have dentist appointment" but he also said that one of her daughter work as dentist in the usual clinic i go. he also touches my hand AND I KNOW ITS SUS CUZ BRO WHY HE SUDDENLY DO THAT. he also asked my age which i replied with my real age and he also said "oh ur sixteen so u dont have your id yet right?" i was like "oh yeah haha" then he asked me to see my mouth (which i agree to show it unfortunately), he looked through it and TAPPED ON THE TEETH A.K.A HE INSERT HIS FINGER TO MY FUCKING MOUT and he just commented on my teeth (that also kind of bad, he commented that) so we just chatted but i sense smth was wrong abt how he suddenly kissed my cheek and said "it was just a chaste kiss and im a good person" (while showing me his wallet that has unfortunately quite the money) and he also asked me what time i probably at my home (and thank god i said i didnt know bcs i don't actually fucking know) and he keeps on saying hes a good person and ASKED ME TO GO TO HIS HOUSE and he'll buy me foods, etc bla bla bla but i didnt want it ok im smart and im not cheap ahh whore.

and then we kind of talked again, i kind of forgot what we were talking abt but he also asked for my phone number (dw i already deleted the number and blocked it) and then he asked me to show me my teeth again and i agreed (even if i have a bad feeling when i rejected the *chaste kiss* he said he gonna give me at the first time, he also tell me if i willingly want to be kissed again he'll gave me money BUT HELL NAWH BITCH IM NOT YOUR CHEAP ASS WHORE) he suddenly kissed my cheek, ALMOST STRAIGHT THROUGH MY LIPS TRYNA MAKE OUT WITH ME 2 TIME and my other cheek, i really tried to avoid & refuse nicely BUT HES STUPID AS FUCK then before he goes he tell me "dont worry if you need help text me and dont forget to go to my house, i'll buy you foods, drinks, anything u want" and show me his thick ass wallet (that i dont really care, my man sylus got more cash than u stinky horny old man)

i ended up asking my mom who it was (and ended up crying even if i dont want to buy i was in shock) and my mom ended up text that old ahh horny shit and he said he'll come over to tell my mom what had actually happened (he did it around 11am, and its 2pm he still haven't come, hope he didnt though) and then my mom tell me abt how fucked up the current city im living, theres a lot of predators like him (i didnt know the news bcs im not allowed to bring phone & access internet freely) and my mom is volunteers who handle cases of sexual violence like this but seeing that her child are also victims, she wont remain silent. if that shitass actually go to my house she will kick him and didnt want to hear any words bcs SHES THATS SICK OF THOSE CASES.

but dwdw im okay now! i comforted myself by listening to txt's love language and playing lads! i dont really think abt it anymore but i just want to tell you if you happen to be the victims, dont hesitate to tell your close people and get help! we all need to be careful bcs the world has become a cruel place and i hope that oldshit didnt do the same to other girls OR EVEN MY OWN LIL SISTERS...

[consumed-by-cringe]

this isn't very fandom related but tw for identity crisis i guess?

(idk if putting that as a tw helps)

I'll be mentioning gender, sexuality and adhd so hopefully that helps whoever encounters this is guess 🥲

honestly idk what I'm supposed to be cuz i don't rlly associate my identity with my gender or wtvs but sometimes I'm painfully aware of my gender identity for that day? I'm not sure if that makes me genderfluid cuz sometimes I feel like a girl but sometimes I don't. and just typing out the word girl feels weird I always spell it as gurl because using girl doesn't feel like me.

and sometimes I don't feel fem at all but I'm not exactly a guy either? so I guess most of the time I'm fem/androgynous leaning but whenever I make self inserts or ocs I tend to make them he/they. which is weird since I don't really identify as a man and like sometimes I like looking more masc but not too much or it will give me a complex about my appearance.

on top of that idk if I'm even aroace. like am I ace or am I just sexually repulsed. I mean i was a kid with mostly unmonitored Internet access so I encountered a lot of weird shit when I was younger, but now I feel like the novelty has worn off and I just... don't care about it anymore? like the idea of sex for myself just icks me out(totally ok with it for other ppl tho) I just don't like the idea of being out of control and having a foreign apparatus inside me(this could be the adhd talking but everytime I think about it, the sensation is similar to watching someone touch their eyeball with their fingers urgh)

and the aro part. like am I aromantic or do I just not like real people like that? I grew up with ghibli and disney so since young I've been exposed to the happily ever after with significant other stories, and that makes me a little fomo about finding a partner. but I feel like I'd never love someone the way I'm supposed to romantically? but I want to love someone romantically, I'm just not sure if I can't or it's just that I haven't found the right person yet? because I clearly have a type of person I'm into, but I'm not sure if that's a real attraction or it's just my brain trying to fit in with people.

like i know i don't want sex, and unfortunately am barely attracted to women(so far the only exceptions are Chappel Roan and 2024 wembly greaseball)((i think it's the rizz tbh) and I'm more attracted to men but only fictional ones cuz real life ones are kinda... lately(and I always tend to be more attracted to gay men but it could just be that there's no pressure romantically so I feel more comfortable with them(or maybe it's just the vibes) cuz if I were a guy I'd be gay but as a gurl(gender neutral) I'm just confused

and finally, the adhd. in my country I can't have insurance if I get formally diagnosed so I don't have the proper certifications to say i have adhd, but I've seen 2 child psychiatrists and one regular one and they have all confirmed that I do probably have adhd(plus I'm took ritalin as a child and am still taking it) the meds do what they say they do so I probably have adhd, if not I'd just be walking around high everyday right? but yeah it could just be the imposter syndrome talking but idk if I can confidently say i have adhd because like I can't prove it?? do you want me to perform an adhd for you idk how to do that man

yeah so tldr I'm confused about everything when I think about my identity(and I can't help overthinking it because I may or may not have adhd)

[sec0ndhanddepressi0n]

OVERSHARING OM THE INTERNET TIME!! DONT READ THIS IF YOU DONT LIKE KNOWING STRANGERS' BUSINESS!!!

Sometimes i think there must be something deeply wrong with me. All of the strangers i meet seem to feel some sort of aversion to me, and i can tell they feel this way, im not stupid, but i don't know why or what it is about me. I get weird looks everywhere i go. People inch away from me when i speak. I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that makes people so icked out by me!! Many people have told me, time and time again, that I'm weird and strange and i make them uncomfortable. The number 1 reason people have said they don't like me is because im "just really weird" and i don't know what makes them feel that way. Even people i once was close to have said they dislike me for making them uncomfortable but when inquired more about the topic have just kinda said "oh idk they're just weird". I used to try to fit in. I would study the behaviors of "normal" people and i would try to replicate them, almost always failing miserably. Eventually i realised that im better off being myself and definitely scaring people away than being someone else and having a 50/50 chance of scaring ppl away.

I do have friends and family and people who love me. All of my friends are quite strange as well tbh and multiple ppl have formed the same opinions on them as they have me. Even my friends sometimes will remark on my weirdness. Someone I knew once paused in the middle of our conversation and just stared at me deep in the eyes and said "you scare me". I think they meant to say it in a joking manner but i could tell they really meant they thought i was weird and i was making them uncomfortable. This was somebody who was also a "weird kid".

Idk

That's all, i suppose

[fxirybun]

ur words are so true!

my problem is u know when u think u sus of something but u dont know if u mind just playing a trick in u and u like nahh cause it is kinda pointless to fret abt shit that isnt affecting u but i do think things on social media has got into the minds of some ppl and they kinda let it affect them to the point u kinda just have to laugh at some of the stuff that goes on and how ingrained ppl have become into whos doing or saying what thats wrong online.

yet at the same time they do end up taking the fun out of things for some people like whenu take hate trains for certain idols ive seen so many normalise it and act like bullying is an ok thing to do and someones reply to my comment gave me the ick bc they thought it did the idol some good. i just think online spaces have got worse over time instead of improving it for those who partake in everything to do with the internet. we r definitely in some weird times bruh cause even when idols try to do things for their audiences or fans it seem like no one hardly enjoying it anymore and everythings just about overdoing it on the negativity, that id rather not look at any of it but so much is online its hard not too? we dont have no kpop stores to go to for latest things or merch in general in my area its mad how so much nowadays is based entirely on the online realm.

some of its cool ngl i enjoy some things but the drama i dont care about lol. im done getting emotional abt shit these days but thats why the k in kpop stands for kids cause kids seem to be running these online spaces or grown adults who act like kids when they come online. its like everything is just pilkng up in terms of trying to neutrally enjoy what u want to enjoy and theres ppl who want to tear it apart and make dramas scandals and controversies 24/7. i do think readings are also useful though because some of it seems to be accurate and true but its also one of those things u should still take with a grain of salt cause ppl or armies i should say be mad obsessed with bts fs lmao

yeah i get what you mean about how socmed is getting these recent years. you saw the impact of cybercrime (idk what's the right word but let me use my knowledge from the major i take '_') , especially in how cyber defamation , cyberbullying , and drama seem to dominate the conversations. it must've been frustrating for you because whilst you're aware that not everything needs to be taken seriously , it’s hard to completely avoid it when so much of kpop content and its culture exists online.

it feels like you're questioning whether it's worth getting emotionally involved in these cyberspaces anymore , notably when what was once fun or lighthearted now seems overshadowed by negativity. you've also seen how people take things to extremes , like justifying harmful behaviors towards idols or stirring up drama , and how it creates an environment where enjoying something purely feels harder. that loss of casual enjoyment , as you put it , is real , and it’s understandable why you’d want to distance yourself from it.

the fact that everything is online now , including the access to merch or updates makes it even more complicated (?). it seems to me that you can't fully disengage without missing out on things you enjoy , but you're also aware that a lot of the drama or obsession , like you mentioned with bts or other kpop groups , feels more like an unnecessary layer that takes away from what should be enjoyable.

i can also see how you're grounding yourself well enough about not to get swept up in every lil thing especially in readings. it's like you're finding ways to stay connected to what you love whilst filtering out the noise. maybe perhaps that's the key for you ( ･᷄ὢ･᷅ )嗯 ? figuring out what brings you joy in this cyberspace whilst learning how to let the unnecessary drama roll off your back.

you've seen the absurdity of some behaviors online and all i could say is to laugh at it and keep your distance from the toxicity if it feels like you're mind is being clouded by it. don't let your happiness be ruined by what's going on online (◞‸◟ )

[boredymcbored]

I journal

while I have crushes cause I realize I have poor dopamine management when I have one. And guess who's dopamine has been terribly deficient lately??? 🥳

A college basketball player, not just anyone, but one of the best players in the country, thought you were cute. And after saying she wants to hang out and treat you with things, finally says she's into you. And ofc you melt down cause how TF does this happen?

But you aren't feeding into this happening not just cause the absurdity of the situation, but cause you're not sure of her age. And it's younger than you'd prefer. So you have in your mind you'll reject her.

But then go to Paris and are packing and jesus, who has the time to talk through something like that now? I'll tell her later. And it's fun, spordaic talk in the mean time cause internet sucks overseas but she's kinda sweet. Huh.

You get back, she waits for your stream, it happens and she leaves no room for hiding how bad she wants you. BAD. It's mad sexual though. And age gap with the blatant sexual is a lack of mood. And you nip it after.

So you declined a crazy situation but the more things went on, the more you realized.. Is this right? Did I make the right decision? Could this work...?

But it's still weird!

So you analyzed everything, like you normally do. Rapport, power, maturity... Just everything. I'm a broke up n coming fan of hers at base zero of a career while she's otw to being... well THAT girl. I have age on her. Assumed (guaranteed imo) maturity. But she has all this other power on me. And you were still conflicted since it's... Still a lot on the surface.

But you talk and..

She's funny. Like REAL funny. She riffs bits so well guys 😭. And is sweet. And goregous omg.

And she wants you. Bad. More than anyone you've been with or into tbh. She could get anyone and she wants you for some reason??? Hanging out for hours with a busy af life type shit?

And you just talked to yourself about deserving someone you wanted that actually wanted you. That you didn't have to convince to appreciate you. And have shaken your head at dropping baddies for lack of confidence before.

So a baddie. IN the shit you into. Slides in the DMs. And even after declining still sticks around and is sweet and apologetic about it but also suggests this could be deeper than you'd think (we'll see). And wants to treat you. And get to know you. And takes time she doesn't have to hang out with your foolishness. And adds her own. And did I mention how pretty she is???

You have a crush, girlfriend. Real bad.

If you'd have told me this a couple months ago I WOULDN'T believe you first of all cause I still don't know how tf this happened. And you'd be weirded out cause the dynamic on the surface is still something that usually ends up toxic. People take advantage of people in age gaps a lot of times and I am NOT that nigga.

But it's so atypical from those usual dynamics. I've talked it out and power is much different for this case. Honestly, the whole thing is so complicated 😭

Except the fit. It's actually working. Really well? And although this is still super new... You're suprised. You're actually getting sprung tbh. Her being the only person to take you this seriously at this stage, even with dynamics, is super refreshing. And you almost can't believe it.

Ofc the only person to take you at least somewhat seriously (still an assumption tbh) is a whole decade younger than you 😭😭. But she has her shit together, more than you tbh. And she's crazy about you and spending time with you, even if it could potentially be more sexual. And it's fun. You're having fun. She's working more than you'd think. We're working?

Ofc you have concerns

Why me? Seriously, why? Will she get the ick cause my aged ass is still figuring it out? Does she wanna fuck for the most part or is she dead ass feeling this? Fr? Those are questions I'm fine pushing til figuring out later.

I just like her. And it's weird. And different. But she's weird. And different. And a dork lol. You'd think a mega athlete would be less of one or have better game but here she is making dad jokes in my chat while calling me pretty and trying to get a rise from me. And it's working :).

[donttakeitsopersonal]

Seeing internet drama like… match up or I suppose mirror the subplot of a webcomic I’m reading is so so fascinating. I mean it’s like drama that we’ve seen a bazillion times if you’ve spent enough time in the right circles but idk seeing it playing out too with real people got me thinking again.

Waffles under cut

Ima keep it vague even tho im an absolute nobody, knowing my luck, this will breach containment and then my unorthodox new ways of thinking will ruffle feathers haha but yeah.

Essentially the comic is about the aftermath of a murder and how people are living their lives after that. One of the accomplices is free and living their life and they’re also online. People find out and bully them, someone even suggested deleting their accounts and going offline for a while, but they don’t want to. One thing that is brought up with it is everyone keeps telling them they got to take accountability, which is true. But that’s got me asking well what does that look like? Like it can really look a lot of different ways but watching irl drama play out it makes me wonder if anything will ever be good enough for people. Like I’ve even seen this same scenario play out many times and there’s usually always a vocal group who just want the guilty party to be forever guilty. Is it good enough for them to take accountability, apologize, and rectify their behavior? (I’m talking low stakes drama here not like heinous abuse lol) it just really feels like if you ever make a tiny misstep online that’s your cross to bear forever. I feel like it’s very reductive and doesn’t allow the person to grow and change, which, isn’t that what we want? For people to grow and change and better themselves? Like idk man at this point in time if you can’t show me examples of someone doing XYZ shitty thing within the last year, like yknow something recent, I really couldn’t give a flying sideways fuck. If someone said “hey I did XYZ at this time and that was fucked and shitty and I’ve worked to change myself” and they haven’t done XYZ and did work to change themself, then idk man you sound incredibly immature and like you gotta mind your own business. Like it’s perfectly fine to be like “I don’t like this person they’re icky to me” that’s fucking fine you don’t need a good reason to not like people they can just give you general ick, water and oil don’t mix and you won’t like everyone you meet. You don’t have to be a bully tho 🙄🙄

OMG lemme waffle about other silly drama I saw that’s just like oh myfuckingod you do not need to and also hey wait a minute. So this one car influencer who is a very mean girl that’s also mean to other women while trying to present as a ✨Girl’s Girl✨™️ has had this, I shit yall not, YEARS beef with this other gal. So two face (that’s what ima call her lol) years ago, like BC(before covid) times TF was doing modeling and mechanic work, wow femme model on car soooo original /s 🙃so at this point in time she was actually a ✨Girl’s Girl✨™️, or at least pretended like it well enough lol, and was friends with some other blue collar girlies. She said she’d help them start their own OFs if they wanted and one took her up on that offer. Idk what happened exactly but TF started accusing said girl that she was copying her and taking her business. And like this was all so funny to me because like this just gave me DeviantArt sparkledog furry drama circa. 2007, like legit “yOu CaNt PaInT yOuR cAr PuRpLe!!11 YoU cOpIeD!!!!2!11!” Like bro this is straight up “you copied my design because you also have stripes on your tail” like day one internet shit, get with it girl. But also this is funny too because I seen her at that time basically copy someone else’s video like cmon. So anyways that basically made their friendship implode on itself and she has since then had a vengeance on this poor girl lol so here’s the nutty part, TF will constantly say “this girl is always copying everything I do, I saw her doing XYZ” which like is kinda inconspicuous when you hear it but then it’s like wait, you say you do not like this person, you try and avoid them, so on and w/e so it’s like wait,,, HOW do you know that??🤨unless you’re checking out her page and following what she does 👀 sussy. And like the other gal she’s cool and nice, we’ll call her GG, but I NEVER see her saying SHIT about TF unless TF did something like get her page flagged or something, which I feel is normal. And like mind yall this has been going on for over the span of years. So being an outside spectator to this all I seriously think TF is projecting onto GG, at least with the “oooh you stalking my page waaah” like girl idk you the only one posting videos about someone else 👀and also I feel like TF feels like I wanna say attacked but not really, maybe more like GG makes TF feel inadequate? But like I feel like seeing GG’s journey it’s what TF have strived for, like GG was a dealer mechanic, and now has her own shop with her mans and their friend. Like TF has only ever worked at like quick lube places and I think very very briefly at a custom shop or something. Like a month or less. And while I can say TF can perform the work, she is not what I would consider a high level mechanic. Like you just realistically have not seen that many cars, you’re not going to see the normal stuff that comes into places you’re not going to have that experience. Yeah working on your own stuff gives you skills a dealer or shop won’t but there’s far more you’ll learn in a shop, and I feel like deep down she knows that and feels threatened by it. Cause like girl why the hell else would you be paying so close attention to this game that you’d clown on her miscarrying like brruuuuuhhhhh you did not have tooooooooo 🥴🥴🥴that VIDEO could’ve stayed in the drafts😶 the fact she made a video too is big YIKES. But wow yeah it’s nutty asf, reality is stranger than fiction

[soleminisanction]

This might seem a bit out of the blue to you, but I just wanted to say your old posts about Stephanie Brown changed my mind on her quite a bit, even if I still don't feel quite as strongly about it as you seem to haha. Overall she's a character with some interesting potential to her backstory, but she's been written awfully over the years. Your points are all really well-argued, even though for me it's hard to look past the Doylist context of the choices made with her character; from plain poor writing to mysoginy to editorial mandates and whatnot, so it's tough for me to outright *hate* her, but when I put the Watsonian glasses on... yeah, she does kinda suck, and Batgirl 2009 is pretty darn shallow. And honestly, TimSteph shippers outright baffled me--well, no they didn't, a lot of their outrage at the breakup was just pure biphobia, but if I were giving people the benefit of the doubt and assuming they genuinely liked the relationship as presented from Rebirth onwards it's like... why tho. They're such a boring couple, leaving aside the toxicity of Post-Crisis because I don't know much about it and just ick. Idk what I'm even saying here. Just expressing appreciation for the effort put into your posts even if I don't agree with absolutely every interpretation, I guess. Keep on keeping on

Thank you. I appreciate you saying all that.

It's not like I'm unaware of the Doylist reasons behind all the events that happen in-comics, I just don't agree with the idea that the way to fix that is to brush huge swaths of a character's history under a rug. That's just not how you do it if you're trying to reclaim a character who's been sexistly victimized, not if you're doing it well -- they didn't do it with Barbara after Killing Joke, or Carol Danvers after Avengers #200, or Gwen Stacy when creating Spider-Gwen, or with Harley when transitioning her into anti-hero, and those all resulted in great stories.

And male characters have to deal with the aftermath of bad shit they pulled under other writers all the time. Wally West only just put a final capstone on the events of Heroes in Crisis last month. Over in Batman, Bruce is catching the brunt of fall-out from both the Babel Protocol and the Batman of Zur-en-arrh. Hank Pym got labeled an infamous wife beater because one artist misinterpreted a script direction. Roy Harper has only just recently gotten back everything that Cry for Justice took from him.

So yeah, I think it's only fair to do the same with Stephanie, and that it does the character a major disservice not to. More than that, it's lazy. The least amount of effort needed to get people on the internet to stop yelling at them.

Killing her off for Bruce's manpain and having her around, alive, but presented as a flat, perfect little Princess Badass with a bland "quirky" personality and no interests outside the immediate needs of the plot are both examples of sexist writing. If you want to engage with her as a character you need to embrace the fact that she can be kind of an asshole, that she's got negative emotions and bad opinions and shitty ideas and things that she just plain sucks at. Of course she does! She's human!

That's all feminist writing really means. Treating women like they're human instead of just a plot convenience. It should not be that hard.

[1eos]

hello ms kendra! first off just wanted to say i hope you're doing well and i love your blog theme. also that i hope only good things come to you and those you love 💗

i don't know if you feel comfortable sharing, so please don't worry if you don't want to answer, but how did you know you were a lesbian? sorry if this seems out of the blue ahfjfkal but i've been kind of questioning myself lately and i trust your thoughts and opinions and i was just... looking for some thoughts/feelings i guess? once again please don't feel pressured to answer. thank you for reading 💗 have a sexy day ms leos!

omg its not too much at all 😭😭😭 how i realized i was a lesbian was obvious in retrospect but i was surrounded by so much comphet i didnt realize it was an option until one day i was like ohhhhhhh i can just like women lol

anyways when i was a kid i felt a bit left out bc ive always been a girls girl and only rarely found boys worth hanging out with but when all my girl friends were starting to be boy crazy i just had. no interest. none at all. when i was in elementary school the one boy everyone liked he did nothing for me but i started to fantasize abt him liking me so all the GIRLS would like me 😭😭😭 like i said obvious

but it didnt click bc i had crushes on 2 guys. one was gay so 😶😂 LOL and for a while i was like so im not gay bc i liked 2 guys but then i realized those 'crushes' were just how i am with ppl i like and want to be friends with. this all encompassing desire to be with them 24/7. i didnt want to do anything w my friends i just wanted to but stuck on them and im the same way to this day just toned down (scorpio vedic moon)

and then i started having intense and tumultuous friendships with other girls who similarly didn't like boys at all. and i would be consumed in wanting to be with her all the time and got jealous. it was how i was w close friends but even more intense bc it tended to be mutual. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. like i was in a toxic lesbian not relationship in middle school looking back

and then in high school when my mom left me alone at home i would runnnnn to the dvd player and rewatch the sex scene in monster's ball bc halle berry was topless 😭😭😭 i was kinda obsessed w sex but again had NO interest in the men? and if boys approached me irl i would just be like 🧍🏾‍♀️ what the hell did u want. and i was learning that u can be other things than just straight so even tho i was fucking sneaking away at my grandma house (we didnt have internet at our house) to scroll thru playboy and look at pics of half-naked WOMEN bc i didn't want to be desired by men i was like 'ohhhh ok so im asexual'

I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH but comphet was fucking beating my ass bruh. andddd in college i branched out started meeting more girls like me (black and gay) and i was like oh ok. so im NOT abnormal there are ppl like me. met more men still didnt want to do anything w them. met more girls i wanted to fucking build a house with after geeking out after dragon age once. anyways i got a girlfriend...sophomore year and magically turned from sexless nun to disgusting horny beast and also i met this very sexy butch girl who i wanted to [redacted] so bad and wouldve if not for girl code. and it finally clicked that girls just do it for me 😭😭😭😭severely. all the romance and sex things i was all ick abt fell into place bc i finally beat the comphet. ofc i found sex disgusting bc i didnt like men and it put alllllllllllllll previous relationships into perspective

so for me what helped was to just not try to force myself into any label or worry oh what if im actually this or that? i just lived my life liked who i liked and slowly the reality that i want girls to [redacted entry] me very nastily fell into place!

and thank you so muchhhhh wishing good things on you too. good things and clarity 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

[waterparksdrama]

I’ve been watching the hunny drama unfold for a while from the sidelines for a while now without saying anything, and I gotta say at this point it’s kinda unsettling how y’all are so ready to justify obvious alcoholism. I’ve followed this blog for like 3 years and this is the first time y’all have given me the ick but like… yikes. Not being able to go a single goddamn show 30 min set all tour without drinking is blatantly alcoholic behavior. I hope he gets help, so I’m not gonna jump on the hate train because, no, it’s not “just wine” and it’s not “idgaf aesthetic”, it’s fucking embarrassing. Not being able to get through a set without drinking isn’t something to idolize, it’s called alcohol dependency.

Adding on, mods, if you feel the need to justify alcohol dependency because it makes you feel less alone in your own alcoholism I genuinely hope you get help. Justifying the negative actions of those around you (or your idols) are behaviors often seen by high functioning alcoholics that don’t want to admit to their problem. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to sobriety. If you’re genuinely not alcoholics, I actually have no fucking idea why you continue to support the behavior of someone who is obviously suffering from addiction. You can support people without supporting their addiction. I hope this helps. Btw I am a listenced councilor who works with unhoused people, many of with have substance dependency issues that I am trained to help with. I hate to bring my job into my personal free time, but you all are worrying me and it’s my job to recognize these patterns.

hey there anon! i was tapped in to answer this since i have the most ability to deal with things like these. glad we gave you the ick! anyways, one, it is a bottle of wine that we don’t even KNOW what is in there. as someone who has lived around alcoholics and struggles with it themselves, assuming alcoholism is just as bad as trying to ignore alcoholism. sure! if it is a problem, then it is! but what are we to do? we are fans of the bands, we can be concerned and that is it. we are NOT his friends and family, so really we have no place to be assuming someone’s struggles if they do exist or not. sure, you are helping people who are actively seeking out help and actually need it, but you are also pushing a narrative on someone you do not know. just because you know the signs doesn’t mean you are right every single time you see the signs.

us on the internet saying “this is a problem!!” isn’t going to do anything or make someone we don’t even personally know seek help if they need it. you all immediately raise arms about people assuming awsten’s mental health struggles or what disorders he may or may not have, but then turn around to immediately do it to others. it is not our place to diagnose a person with a struggle or illness even if you are qualified in the field. it is seriously overstepping boundaries as a fan/celebrity.

you are also assuming that we have this stance you believe we do on his on-stage bit. we are saying he’s winning the “idgaf war” by being unbothered by waterparks fans constantly saying they are a shit band. also “just wine” is TRUE to the fact that we do not know if it is actually wine or a prop. again, assuming that he is ACTUALLY drinking on stage. all of this is assumptions.

-kirsten