#ignore this broski(gender neutral) im just rambling

[consumed-by-cringe]

wow as a child people had really vivid imaginations (and I guess i did too?) but I never used my imagination for play by myself(aka maladaptive daydreaming) haha

I'd always imagine myself to be completely ordinary in the most normal-ish family and me as a person wouldn't have any gender or romantic relationships because I just didn't put any importance on my gender or attraction to others. call me whatever but don't call me ugly basically

that's why all my ocs are just... some guy(gender neutral) with general issues

[consumed-by-cringe]

this isn't very fandom related but tw for identity crisis i guess?

(idk if putting that as a tw helps)

I'll be mentioning gender, sexuality and adhd so hopefully that helps whoever encounters this is guess 🥲

honestly idk what I'm supposed to be cuz i don't rlly associate my identity with my gender or wtvs but sometimes I'm painfully aware of my gender identity for that day? I'm not sure if that makes me genderfluid cuz sometimes I feel like a girl but sometimes I don't. and just typing out the word girl feels weird I always spell it as gurl because using girl doesn't feel like me.

and sometimes I don't feel fem at all but I'm not exactly a guy either? so I guess most of the time I'm fem/androgynous leaning but whenever I make self inserts or ocs I tend to make them he/they. which is weird since I don't really identify as a man and like sometimes I like looking more masc but not too much or it will give me a complex about my appearance.

on top of that idk if I'm even aroace. like am I ace or am I just sexually repulsed. I mean i was a kid with mostly unmonitored Internet access so I encountered a lot of weird shit when I was younger, but now I feel like the novelty has worn off and I just... don't care about it anymore? like the idea of sex for myself just icks me out(totally ok with it for other ppl tho) I just don't like the idea of being out of control and having a foreign apparatus inside me(this could be the adhd talking but everytime I think about it, the sensation is similar to watching someone touch their eyeball with their fingers urgh)

and the aro part. like am I aromantic or do I just not like real people like that? I grew up with ghibli and disney so since young I've been exposed to the happily ever after with significant other stories, and that makes me a little fomo about finding a partner. but I feel like I'd never love someone the way I'm supposed to romantically? but I want to love someone romantically, I'm just not sure if I can't or it's just that I haven't found the right person yet? because I clearly have a type of person I'm into, but I'm not sure if that's a real attraction or it's just my brain trying to fit in with people.

like i know i don't want sex, and unfortunately am barely attracted to women(so far the only exceptions are Chappel Roan and 2024 wembly greaseball)((i think it's the rizz tbh) and I'm more attracted to men but only fictional ones cuz real life ones are kinda... lately(and I always tend to be more attracted to gay men but it could just be that there's no pressure romantically so I feel more comfortable with them(or maybe it's just the vibes) cuz if I were a guy I'd be gay but as a gurl(gender neutral) I'm just confused

and finally, the adhd. in my country I can't have insurance if I get formally diagnosed so I don't have the proper certifications to say i have adhd, but I've seen 2 child psychiatrists and one regular one and they have all confirmed that I do probably have adhd(plus I'm took ritalin as a child and am still taking it) the meds do what they say they do so I probably have adhd, if not I'd just be walking around high everyday right? but yeah it could just be the imposter syndrome talking but idk if I can confidently say i have adhd because like I can't prove it?? do you want me to perform an adhd for you idk how to do that man

yeah so tldr I'm confused about everything when I think about my identity(and I can't help overthinking it because I may or may not have adhd)