#...don't think it worked but I'm glad I was able to finish something I somewhat like lol

[baronessvonglitter]

if love be rough with you, be rough with love | chapter 11 | "if it hurts, that means it's working"

Dave York x f!Reader

Word count: 2,566

Summary: scared that Carol will catch on to you and Dave, you create a little white lie that brings out Dave's darker side.

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, fingering, squirting, pet name (‘sweetpea, silly girl’), mention of breast fucking, anal sex/fingering, use of sex toys, fake relationship, jealousy, verbal threats, coercion, gaslighting, slight harm done to reader (he grabs her jaw), emotional bullying, brief flashback of childhood abuse/trauma, lotta red flags here, auralism, masturbation. If I’ve left anything out please let me know.

Author’s Note: The week I’ve had!!! (Hurricane Beryl was quite the bitch.) I’m just glad to be able to post this 💗 This particular chapter gets pretty dark (read the tags above) so if you’re not in a great headspace to read, please don’t.

For help in leaving real life abusive relationships, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 Abuse is never love.

Series Masterlist

“Quiet, sweetpea.." Dave warns, a growl in your ear. One of his hands gently muffles your mouth while the other fingers your slickness, three of his fingers filling you up. Your legs are over his shoulders, effectively pinning you down to your bed. You whimper beneath his palm as yet another magnificent surge rolls through you and you tremble, eyes rolling back in your head as you come, and a spray of liquid shoots out, surprising you.

"I guess the third time's the charm," Dave grins, slowing his fingers as you finish your orgasm. "I knew you were a squirter. And look, you've drenched me. I'm still in my work clothes, silly girl." He loves calling you 'silly' these days, it's a somewhat appropriate nickname for when you're around Carol and the girls, something that won't attract too much attention.

His come from earlier is drying on your chest and neck from where he titty-fucked you just moments ago, getting you alone as soon as his daughters were asleep. Carol's away from the house, visiting her sister, and you two are taking advantage of the momentary freedom.

“You're such a bad girl for getting me all wet. But I think you know how to make it up to me.." Dave removes his fingers from your pussy and gently rubs the ring of your asshole, causing you to gasp but you don't pull away. "Easy, sweetpea," he murmurs, easing his finger inside. Automatically you clench around him. “There’s a good girl..” he whispers.

There’s a part of you that balks at this, that shies away from the deviance of this act, but there's a baser part of you that desires what Dave desires above all things. He could cut you just to watch you bleed and you would get off on it.

He glides one of your dildos, a bright purple one that you bought as a dare, into your pussy, watching you open and stretch around it while he continues to finger your asshole. You moan his name as he begins to thrust the dildo into you, using teasingly slow strokes at first then roughly, the way he would do it with his own cock. When your moans grow too loud he grabs the panties he'd ripped off of you just moments ago and stuffs them in your mouth, stifling your sounds. You come again, your juices coating the dildo, and before your spasm is over you feel the toy at your ass, replacing Dave's fingers.

“Nod if this is okay, and shake your head if it isn't," he tells you. You don't even hesitate before nodding. He smiles at your enthusiasm. "I've got to get my silly girl ready for me.. I've been waiting forever to fuck her ass like she promised me." You whimper, your ass automatically trying to keep your exit just that, an exit. "Breathe," Dave reminds you. "Look at me and breathe, relax." He's always gentle with you at first, testing your boundaries, right before his animalistic sides comes out and you join him in his unrestraint.

You feel the toy slide in, little by little, already wet and warmed from being in your pussy. "Look how well you're taking it," Dave praises. "So eager to have something in that tight little ass of yours, aren't you?" You nod, heat rushing throughout your body as your cunt clenches in vain around emptiness. "Don't worry, I'm gonna give you everything you want," he rumbles.

“I want you," you mumble through the makeshift gag. "Inside my ass. Now."

Dave's eyes darken as he gently removes the gag. "You're sure?"

“Yes," you tell him with sincerity.

"Spread your legs for me. I want to see all of you."

You do as you're told, and he takes a moment to savor the sight of you before he strips from the waist down, then you feel a warm glob of his saliva on your puckered hole, then another teasing finger before you finally feel the thick head of his cock slowly making its way inside you. Your hands grip the bedsheets as inch by inch he settles in your ass. "Fuck," he growls. You're unable to make a sound except a broken gasp as your heart beats madly within your chest. "Breathe," he commands. "Eyes on me.."

It nearly takes his breath away to see your eyes go big and wide, your breath coming in short gasps as he picks up the pace, grabbing your ass as he controls the thrusting. "My girl loves this, doesn't she? Loves to let me do whatever I want with any part of her."

“Yes! Yes please!" you try to control the volume of your voice, but he's so deep, filling you so full and it feels even better than you ever imagined.

"Fuck," he growls when you clench down around him. "Turn over for me like a good girl. Scream into the pillow if you have to."

Once again you're situated, face down, ass up, and Dave takes control. The smacking of your skin is unmistakable as is the creaking of your bedsprings. You fill your pillow with your moans and muffled gasps as he rams into you, grabbing your cheeks tight to watch as he moves in and out of you while you rapidly finger your clit. "Dave!" you whisper his name desperately. "I'm coming!"

He replies something unintelligible, pulling your hips against his in a frenzy and this time you're not able to keep so quiet. A loud wail emanates from your lips as you come hard, and at the same time you feel the warm gush of his come. You're both breathing heavily as he extricates himself from you.

“Does Carol ever let you fuck her like that?" you ask, simply out of curiosity.

He glances at you as he pulls his pants back on, and it's almost a glare. His first instinct is to warn you never to ask about his wife, but he sees the candor of your expression, the flush of your cheeks in the afterglow of what you've just shared. "Never," he answers. "She thinks it's dirty. She's very.. traditional."

"Vanilla."

He shrugs. "Yeah. Vanilla." There's a moment where his real feelings are shown, and he lets a bit of his guard down when he says, "I wish she were more like you."

You know better than to criticize his wife and the mother of his children, though deep down you know you could do better if you were in her place.

The next night Dave comes home early, as you're helping the girls with homework. "Hello, Mr. York," you greet him with a simple smile. The girls run to hug their dad and you wish you could hug him too. He chitchats with the girls a moment while you look on, pretending for a moment that this is your family..

"Dinner smells good," he smiles at you as the girls get back to their homework.

“I made a roast chicken with rosemary and vegetables," you tell him once he's settled in, jacket and briefcase put away, work off his mind. "The girls helped with dinner." It's not easy to pretend there's nothing going on between you. His lingering glances down your body, probably remembering the night before, are hard to miss, and you pour him some bourbon before dinner, letting him see you take a quick sip from his glass before handing it to him. There's so much said in the words you don't say out loud.

You hear Carol's car in the driveway, a sound you've trained yourself to listen for. "Girls, please set the table for your mother."

There's a rosiness in your cheeks as you dine with the Yorks, something you've done a hundred times. No matter what you think of you can't make your blush go away. You manage to act normally, even smiling at a little joke Dave tells. You're distracted, and Carol catches on.

“Are you all right, dear? You're flushed. I hope you're not coming down with something," she says with concern.

A part of you is touched by her concern. "I'm fine, I'm fine," you assure her. "I guess my head has been in the clouds lately.. I've actually started seeing someone at school."

"Oh, that's wonderful news!" Carol beams. "You must really like him."

“I do," you glance from her to Dave and back again. "I just.. I see you and Mr. York so happy, and I want that for myself one day."

Carol's smile is warm. "I hope you find what Dave and I have one day.. and I hope this young man is that person for you."

"What's his name?" Dave asks bluntly, hand tightening on his knife as he cuts into his meal.

“Yes, we want all the details," Carol insists.

"Josh," you answer, giving the name of a guy who's been hitting on you since the semester started but who's never really stood a chance with you. "I think you'd both like him."

Dave's expression is blank but you can sense the wheels turning in his brain. Meanwhile Carol's excitement for your new "relationship" is palpable.

“Maybe a double date is in our future," you follow up, testing the waters, seeing how far your little white lie can fly. "I'll clean up after dinner so you and Mr. York can have coffee," you offer.

"I'll do it," Carol waves you away. "You relax, maybe call that boyfriend of yours." She smiles as she begins to clear the plates away. Molly and Alice go upstairs to play.

Dave's already waiting for you in the living room, the lights dimmed as a police procedural show is on tv. "Who's Josh?" he asks, barely audible over the television.

"My fake boyfriend that I'm using as a cover up for us fucking," you reply with a straight face.

"Clever move." He sips yet another bourbon, his expression stony. "If I thought for a moment you were actually involved with this Josh person, I'd have to kill him."

You shake your head. "Jesus, Dave. Be nice." You elbow him playfully.

"If you were ever to cheat on me, with Josh or anyone else.. their blood would be on your hands, not mine."

Everything stops. You stare at Dave. This is the most serious that matters have been between you. You know about his work for the government, his past in the military, but you've never felt him to be dangerous until now.

Seeing your expression change so dramatically he takes your face in both his hands. "You know I'd never hurt you," he whispers. "There are some other parts of my life, things I can't tell you yet.. I know you'll understand when the time comes." When you don't reply he applies just enough pressure to make you worry. "Say it. Say you know I'd never hurt you."

It's too much like something your father would do, guilt you into loving him. Make himself look sorrowful for all the bad he'd done and swear it wasn't on purpose, tell you his love for you was special, one of a kind. This is too much like one of those moments. But you repeat the words, because you're good at doing what you're told. "I know you would never hurt me, Dave.."

He smiles, all the severity gone from his features. "Good. With that, there is one thing you can never do." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "You can never, ever leave me. If you do, I'll do things you can't imagine." He smiles again and gives you a kiss on the forehead. "Never leave me, my girl."

You shake your head eagerly, eyes wide. "I won't.."

His fingertip traces your lips, circling them with a softness that belies the coldness in his eyes. "I'm going to be with Carol tonight. You're right, we need to throw her off the scent." He's doing this to get back at you, in a way, for creating your lie about having a love interest. "Are you going to be a good girl and wait for me after?"

A cold stab of fear, of jealousy, enters your heart, twists your stomach. "Dave, you're being cruel.."

"I'm being practical," he corrects you, removing his touch from you. "Obviously I'm not going to force you, but if you leave your bedroom door unlocked tonight I'll take that as a nice, warm welcome from you."

"You're an asshole," you mutter, leaving the room. But after putting the girls to bed and having some time alone, you leave your door unlocked.

It's late when you hear Carol and Dave in their room, and you press your ear to the wall, your headboard sharing the same wall as theirs.

"I don't know about you, my love, but today has been really long," you hear Carol say.

"I think I might just have the remedy for that," Dave's deep voice is heard.

Your heart pounds so hard but you can't not listen. You hold your breath, excited and anxious in a depraved kind of way. It feels wrong. Then again, Dave belongs to you, so in a way you have every right to listen in. You did it plenty of times before you starting fucking him.

They're quiet, and you assume they're kissing and embracing. Carol giggles and it goes quiet again. The bed rustles. They're practically next to you. "Carol.. my god.." Dave groans, and your stomach turns. You keep listening as your fingers wander down beneath your panties to slowly finger your clit, even as tears form in your eyes. You hear what Dave's saying to Carol: words of praise, of desire, of lust. Soon you hear both of them moaning, their headboard lightly thumping against the wall. He's soft with her, softer than he's ever been with you. That's the difference between a wife and a mistress. Jealousy ties a knot around your heart, squeezing until your tears run free.

The headboard stops and there's more of Carol's giggling, which soon turn into moans. She's trying to be quiet, likely because she knows you're right here next door, but Dave's good at what he does, and eventually she can't hold back, moaning his name, gasping, panting.

Your heart hurts. Your stomach hurts. But this is the reality you're grounded in. This is how it's supposed to be: a man with his wife, not a husband and the younger, naive au pair.

The bed shakes again, harder this time, and both Dave and Carol's moans combine in a rhythm that you'd like to forget. Your fingers don't neglect their work, dipping inside your drenched pussy while your thumb circles your oversensitive clit. It's ironic, poetic, comical, and just plain fucked up that you come when both of them do, hand clasped over your mouth just as Dave does to you. By now it's a Pavlovian response. A hand over your mouth gets you wet, all thanks to him.

Afterwards, they murmur, sharing secrets that married couples do, giving over the intimacies of their heart. Or maybe you're romanticizing it just to make yourself feel worse, to push the knife further into your heart. You cry yourself to sleep. You're going to look terrible in the morning, not that anyone cares how you look anyway.

That night, Dave doesn't come to your room.

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dividers by @saradika-graphics 👑

[carniekisses]

Here's a long post that I really hope Tumblr will not flag as NSFW (please don't flag this), I remember back when I showed off the needlefelt Gomer sculpture I had made, someone asked if I had like a work process to show off for it. And I did not, because I had kept it all confined to a private account. I thought it'd be fun to have something to show for it for this one.

So I've been wanting to make a BJD for at least the past 15 years, back when I was a kid with no money to buy supplies with and also with a worry for symmetry, and also also I wasn't very skilled. It's 2024, and I vaguely know how to use Blender now

I've started this project on April 6th, as I've been documenting this on the above mentioned private account.

Of said model I (much) later ended up only being able to salvage the physical sculpts of the chest and torso parts as I messed up somewhat badly, see down below. I also ended up dropping the 'magnets in hands & feet' concept as it was just redundant, one can simply unhook them off the elastic if they are to swap them out.

At any rate, I 3D printed it all and got to sanding, and painting.

So far so good I guess, really not a fan of how the knee and elbow bean slots were just holes (I fixed that later don't worry)

So This was Not looking good lmao. I used acrylic paint, which was not necessarily the problem, the problem was that I'd applied it with a sponge brush which caused the surface to feel really sandpapery once dry. So don't do that I suppose, bad idea

On top of this, I realized that given the thickness of this doll I absolutely needed double joints in the legs, in order to have decent articulation. You can see in the above pics I *had* sculpted those, but I later fused the knee beans with the shins with apoxy resin, for some reason? I think it was because as I posed the legs the knee beans kept falling *into* the hollowed out shins/thighs, and I got tired of it.

The final blows for this model were me applying some 3D finish resin in a last ditch effort to smooth out the horrible texture, which rendered the pieces extremely shiny and smooth (disgusting), WHICH then prompted me to apply matte varnish to fix that bullshit. It absolutely did not work lmfao, and I have no pictures of that disaster because I became pretty discouraged about having to go back to like square two or three.

Some time passed (months really because I kept getting distracted for many a reason [sanding is so fucking boring, Blender was a mistake, I was feeling overwhelmed, I was too sad/tired to work that day, etc.]), I buckled down and finally retooled the pieces that needed it: everything But the chest and torso parts, off of which I managed to sand the varnish and smooth resin. I had fixed all the double joints too to actually be decently functional this time. The head was completely resculpted to better reflect the character's latest design iteration.

bean slots: Fixed

So after sanding (which was the part I was dreading the entire time, because it's so tedious and also it hurts after a while), I caved and got myself an airbrush to, hopefully, lay paint down good this time.

Very glad I did because the difference is kinda crazy. Please ignore my dirty ass desk, it's what happens when you craft. These pictures are from last week btw.

The blue base and the blush were airsprayed, the finer details like the dark shading and the pinker parts were done with both chalk and just acrylic paint. I miiight remake the eyeballs, or at least add more of a smooth finish. The shine to them is really nice

Here's she with lashes, wearing a shitty little scrap of fabric I cut in 10 minutes for fun (please DON'T flag th), and posing to test out the double joints too, they definitely could be better but they work Fine and I'm okay with that.

As of today I'm waiting for the fibres to deliver, for the wig, I already have the cap done. I guess I can update this when it happens, thanks for reading so far, I hope it was interesting, see you next time.......

[ilovetheriddler]

Escape room affections.

(BTAS) The Riddler/Edward Nygma X F!Reader.

(The escape room is really badly designed, and the puzzles don't actually do anything. This obviously frustrates Edward greatly.)

Word Count: 691.

Contents: Edward being frustrated, kisses, and affection.

You couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the sight of your boyfriend Edward, slowly losing his mind as a result of the escape room that you thought would be a fun date idea to do.

You truly love and adore Edward and how intelligent he is... but at times, that is his biggest flaw. Like now, as he was overthinking this escape room. He was so frantically trying to piece together puzzles that, in his mind and opinion, should work.

A part of you honestly didn't even have the heart to tell him that those puzzles weren't actually important and that the escape room was just really poorly designed and didn't actually use puzzles, that those were just there for decoration.

"Damn it! Why isn't this working? It's clearly the only correct solution to this!"

"Edward, sweetheart, I think that -"

"Not now, my love! I'm trying to figure out why this isn't working, These puzzles are borderline, something a toddler could solve. So the fact that they aren't working, despite me having clearly solved them, is a huge insult to me!"

He continued trying to solve the, quite literally, useless puzzles. The frustration and growing anger apparent on his face. You feel a bit guilty. When you saw that a new escape room had been opened, you thought it would be fun for Edward, that it would be a cute date idea. But perhaps you should have looked more into it beforehand. You walk over to him and place your hand on his shoulder.

"Edward.... the puzzles aren't important...."

A genuine look of surprise and confusion immediately crosses his face. He's silent for a few moments, clearly processing exactly what you just said to him. Before it fully registers with him and that look of frustration returns.

"Well, that's just idiotic! What kind of archaic fools create an escape room that doesn't rely on puzzles?!"

"I don't know.... listen, um, I'm sorry about this... I wasn't aware of it beforehand... so I'm sorry if I've unintentionally ruined our date...."

He looked slightly taken aback by your sudden saddened tone.

"My love, I assure you that while I am frustrated over the foolish design of this escape room, I'm not upset at you. In fact, the fact that I got to spend time with you is the only saving grace from this evening!"

"Really...? I'm glad then... oh! Um... here, I found it in one of the plants a few minutes ago..."

You hand him a simple key, more specifically, the key to get out of here. You feel your face heat up slightly once he leans in and places a simple yet sweet kiss on your cheek.

"Thank you, my love. I appreciate you trying to set up a date that I'd enjoy. It's not your fault that it went.... somewhat awry."

He unlocks the door, and the two of you leave the wildly underwhelming escape room. Edward has a certain look in his eyes that catches your attention, like he's planning something in his head.

"You know, I could make an escape room leagues more impressive than... that disgrace back there! Oh... perhaps i could even use it as a new challenge for Batman! Yes, that'd be perfect!"

"Well, if anyone can design an insane escape room, then it'd probably be you..."

He gets a somewhat smug yet genuine grin on his face at your compliment. He drapes his arm over your shoulders as you walk, leaning into you some. He then presses a gentle and quick kiss to your lips suddenly. Ruffling your hair slightly once he pulls away.

"Oh course, it'll be great, my dear. I'll finally be able to put an end to that caped crusader after all this time! I'm sure it'll work this time... oh, and I'd love for you to test it out for me.... before I add anything lethal, I mean."

"I'd be overjoyed to test out your escape room trap whenever you finish it....."

Edward walks you back to your apartment, bidding you goodnight before he starts making his way back to his place. He has plans that he must attend to...

[runningfrom2am]

all i think about is karma

summary: you and rafe take on a mainland bush party where he knows no one, and you know too many people for his liking.

this can be read as a stand-alone but it's technically a part four to getaway car, big reputation, and this is why we can’t have nice things.

pairing: rafe x fem!reader

wc: 2.1k

tags/warnings: jealous!rafe, highschool au, (some) nondescript nudity, cursing, mean kook!reader, underage drinking, (i think that’s it??)

a/n: hey y’all!! sorry i haven’t posted anything in a little while, i’ve been busy but now im back home and on my usual schedule so there shouldn’t be any serious interruptions for a little while. i missed y’all and i hope you like this! this is what won my getaway car poll quite some time ago so im so happy to finally get it out!

"No, Y/N/N, I'll be fine. I don't want to dampen your week, you'll have so much fun!" Bella insists, adjusting where her phone is laying in her lap while she lays in bed, surrounded by tissues and snack wrappers. She came down with the flu at the worst possible time: right before you were meant to go on your spring break trip.

"It won't be the same without you! I should just stay home, I can come over and we can have a movie marathon or something. That'll be just as fun." You reply, watching her through the facetime camera while you sit at your vanity.

"No. Absolutely not. You're going- and you'll get to hangout with Rafe! It's worth it for me to get all the juicy details after." Bella giggles, sniffling and quickly wiping her nose.

You roll your eyes, rubbing your forehead. "Okay, yeah, but nothings gonna happen- you know I swore that off."

"Yeah, whatever. The two of you, alone, drunk and sharing a tent? Whatever you say." Your friend teases you. "It's actually worth it for me to stay home so you can come back with tea."

"Okay, fine," You agree, not admitting that the idea is very tempting. "But I'm not sleeping with him again."

"No! Of course not." Bella laughs, shaking her head. "But if you did, at least be safe this time. We don't need a repeat of what happened last time-"

"Okay! Okay! Bye, Bella I'll call you later!" You quickly cut her off, hanging up the phone.

Several long hours after texting Rafe the update that Bella wasn't going to make it, you found yourself in his truck on the mainland, driving into what seems to be the middle of nowhere for a bush party you caught word of from some friends you met playing soccer on a local team. You were excited to see them, and meet some new people, but you're honestly so glad Rafe still wanted to go. You'd rather not go alone if you didn't have to.

Judging by the large space in front of you full of various groups of kids your age putting tents together or starting fires around makeshift campsites at the edge of the water, you assume you're in the right place and get to work setting up your own tent off near the edge of the lake.

It wasn't long before the sun started to set over the abandoned gravel pit, and you just finish up when you crack open your first drink from the cooler. "So like... are we actually going to talk to anyone or just hide over here and be weird all night?" Rafe asks as you bring the can to your lips.

You roll your eyes a little and nod. "Well, duh. My friends are coming. I don't know what your plans are." Rafe looks around at that, seeing if there's anyone he might be able to talk to, but he was counting on hanging out with you.

"Wow, you're ditching me?" He asks, reaching into the cooler as well and grabbing a beer. "Cold."

You go to reply with a matching, somewhat snarky attitude the two of you almost always share when you recognize the purple jeep that's pulling in. "That's them! Good luck making friends!" You call back, jogging over to where they parked.

Rafe flips you off as you turn your full attention to your friends, sighing a little to himself as he lays eyes on a group of local boys who look enough like his friends that he's comfortable talking to them.

By the time that the area is lit only by the orange glow coming from the several cooking fires and the large bonfire everyone is centered around, you're already stumbling over your feet with a half-drank bottle of some liquor you didn't bring, and you're not even sure where you got it.

Rafe has been trying to keep an eye on you from a distance, but now he's lost you. He's drunk himself, so he's not overly concerned, but he would just at least like to know where you were. He looks around frantically, trying to keep his cool as the boys around him are laughing about something he didn't care to pay attention to. His eyes land on some figures out in the lake, and he squints to see if he can make out the shape of your hair in the dark. He takes a few steps away to get a closer look, hearing you laughing and shouting over the music coming from an on shore speaker. He walks down to the shore with a smug look on his face, polishing off his beer when he looks down and notices piles of clothes on the shore. Are you naked?

"Hey, Y/N!" Rafe shouts, waving to you in an attempt to grab your attention.

"Rafe!" You shout back, smile never fading as you push your wet hair out of your face. With the liquor warming you, the water feels amazing and so soft on your skin. "Come out here! Come join us!"

Rafe sighs as he finds your stuff, relieved to find only your shirt, shorts, and bra. At least you weren't fully naked in front of all these strangers. He strips of everything but his boxers and grabs your bra, wading out into the cool lake water to you and your friends as they cheer and laugh.

"Rafe! Where have you been?" You giggle, throwing your arms over his shoulders once he gets close enough for you to reach.

"I've been around- apparently I should have been babysitting you ladies." He chuckles, trying to hide any frustration in his tone as he avoids looking at your friends who are just as well clothed as you are. "Put this on, at least." He adds, pulling away from you and handing you the article of clothing, crossing his arms to watch you put it on despite his better judgement.

"Hey! Girls! Come on in, we're going to play chandelier!" One of the guys Rafe had the pleasure of talking to for the last couple hours shouts, and quickly everyone makes their way in to shore.

"Y/N, hey, we don't want you to get sick. Come warm up." Rafe turns his head as he gets his shirt back on, watching as one of the other guys, Jesse, is quickly wrapping you in a small blanket and guiding you up to the bonfire with a hand on your lower back. He scowls at the two of you behind your back, following as he urges you up the small hill and towards the large fire pit ahead.

You walk side by side with the boy, until you can feel the warmth of the flames on your skin where you stop and stand to dry off both your skin and what little clothing you have on. You don't know you're shivering until Jesse is tugging on the blanket around your shoulders. "Here, let me help you warm up.." He chuckles, wrapping his arms around you from behind and draping the blanket over both of you.

"Oh, thanks, Jesse." You say, teeth chattering from the soft breeze. You lean back into him, swaying from the alcohol still in your system and he steadies you.

"Anytime, sweetheart." He mumbles, pressing his lips to the back of your head.

You are well aware of his hands wandering, fiddling with the waistband of your underwear as you have your arms crossed tightly over your chest. You pull your bottom lip between your teeth as you gaze across the fire and your eyes land on Rafe, who's staring at you intently.

You smile and wave at him, but he just rolls his eyes in response and looks away. Is he upset with you for ditching him? In hindsight it wasn't very nice, even if that is the kind of relationship you normally have. If it was you you'd be upset- he didn't know anyone, and he was left to fend for himself, granted; he was clearly fine.

"Hey, Ashley?" You find yourself calling over to your other friend, but she doesn't hear you as your eyes well up with tears. Why do you feel so bad right now? Does Rafe being upset with you really bother you that much? You've hardly felt like this before.

"Ashley?" You ask again, but she hardly glances at you as she's got another boy draped over her shoulder- one who is definitely not the girls boyfriend.

"You okay?" Jesse asks, leaning his head over your shoulder to get a better look at you.

"Uhm, yeah, I just have to go to the bathroom and I was hoping she would come with me." You explain, watching Rafe again as he buries himself in conversation with the two girls standing next to him.

"I'll take you." Jesse offers. "Come on, I won't watch. Swear." He says, already guiding you away and tossing the blanket back to his friend.

You glance back at Rafe over your shoulder as Jesse walks you off into the dark. Just as you look forward again to try and watch your step, Jesse's hand is smacking your butt playfully, making you jump. You laugh it off and give him a shove, but he's grabbing your hand and pulling you in the direction of his truck.

The swing of Jesse's arm to where his hand hit your exposed skin drew Rafe's attention again fully, and he furrows his brow as he watches you stumble away. You were sharing a tent with him and you were really about to hook up with that mainland loser? He quickly downs the rest of his beer and storms after you, fists clenched at his sides after discarding the bottle on a nearby pong table.

"Hey!" Rafe shouts, making the two of you turn just as Jesse backs you up against the side of his truck and starts kissing down your neck. You're confused, but not one to turn down an opportunity like this- especially when you never have to see him again. As soon as Jesse turns his head, though, it's snapped back again with the contact of Rafe's fist into his nose.

He groans and quickly brings his hands up to his face, tipping his head back as blood pours from between his fingers. You gasp, reaching out for him but hesitating, not sure what to do.

"You think you can hook up with any girl who accepts a blanket from you when she's cold? She came here with me." Rafe spits, and you feel your features pull into an expression of anger as you quickly step towards him and shove him back. "What?"

"Come on." You mutter, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the now bleeding boy. "What the fuck was that about?" You ask, storming back to where your shared tent was in the corner. "Do you think you have some stupid claim over me just because you drove me here?"

Rafe rolls his eyes, stopping with you next to the tent as you drop his arm and turn to face him. "He was taking advantage of you!"

You scoff, shaking your head and crossing your arms. "No, Rafe. He wasn't. Did you ever consider that maybe I wanted that?"

"Whatever, Y/N- don't act like you weren't eyeing me up for the whole drive here."

"Oh. My. God." You find yourself laughing suddenly, realizing what this is about. "You were jealous."

"What? No I wasn't." Rafe replies defensively.

You smile at him cockily, tilting your head and waiting for him to spiral on it.

"I wasn't! I tried to help. That's what I get, I guess!" Rafe throws his hands up.

"And here I was thinking you were mad at me for ditching you. Turns out you were just horny." You smirk, knowing you were just pushing his buttons this time for fun.

"Oh, fuck off, Y/N, you're just trying to piss me off now for fun."

"You're not denying it." You shrug, looking back over to the fire for a moment, seeing Jesse sitting there with paper towel pressed to his nose and a few girls surrounding him.

"You're making it difficult not to be when you’re walking around like that.” He replies, smirking as he looks you up and down.

“Don’t be gross, Rafe.” You smile, dropping your arms from they were crossed over your chest.

He takes a step closer at that, delicately placing his hands on your hips. “You love it, Y/N/N, you know you do.”

taglist: @bookishbabyyy @madelynie , @whore-4-drewstarkey , @slut4drudy , @winterrrnight , @totalswag , @sadfury @fullfledgedemo @rafemotherfuckingcameron , @urfaveluvr , @chenslucy , @hxnnah-397 , @s-we-e-t-t-ea , @tahliac11 , @ragingsammie , @ietss, @dee127

[moodymisty]

Wow! Congrats on 1k followers!! Your writing is always a delight. 🥰

For your event, may I request Tech x F!reader with the prompt "You really want me?"

Thank you! I hope you have a great day. ❤️

❀ Milestone prompts list ❀

Author's Note: Awww thank you! I'm glad you enjoy my writing! and techtechtechtechtechtech

Relationships: Tech/Gn!Reader

Warnings: None, just fluff and confessions of love

"So, I have to ask..."

Echo's voice perks up your ears, as sits beside you. His glass is in his hands but he hasn't taken a sip yet, at least that you've noticed.

79's is relatively barren tonight, at least by the normal standards; Though it's still quite loud and packed with enough clones that traversal through the bar is for sure going to end up with you bumping into a few shoulders.

"Did you show Tech some new book or something?" He's not here tonight, having neglected coming out for drinks because of some important worked he wanted to finish, and had insisted you all go on without him. it's not incredibly unusual; This sort of scene isn't his type.

You think on Echo's question for a moment, pursing your lips as you look off in no particular direction trying to recall. Once you do, it's such a brief moment that you don't really think that it would be anything of note.

"Um, I mean I mentioned something not too long ago?" Echo leans back against the seat, an arm over the back behind your head.

"Ok, because he's not shut up about whatever it was for at least a week now. He's been researching it nonstop." That sentence makes you surprised, but also it's impossible to contain a smile at the thought of him doing something like that when you aren't around. It's, endearing. Not too often do you find someone who enjoys you enough that they try to enjoy the things you do. You love watching Tech tinker, to sometimes catch his tongue just barely poking out between his lips, but it makes your heart flutter a bit to know this new tidbit of info.

"Really? I didn't know he cared that much." Crosshair makes an amused noise.

"Cares? He's obsessed." He gets an odd look from you back, and Hunter seeks to clarify what Crosshair won't.

"The two of you really get along well," He says, and you raise your eyebrows. He can't exactly find the best way to put this so for the sake of his brother and for your own sanity, he'll be blunt.

"Look, we don't wanna shove into your business or anything," Hunter rubs the back of his neck. "But Tech really likes you." It's feels more than a little bit intense being underneath the stare of four eyes, especially considering who they are.

"But he's not gonna say it unless you do first."

Were you really so obvious in your attraction that they were all able to notice? You had hoped you were being at least somewhat subtle.

No point in denying it, you guess. They already have it all figured out.

"So, you want me to just go for it then?" You smile and laugh, expecting it to be taken as a joke. But instead, Hunter nods and agrees with you.

"Go sweep him off his feet."

You're not drunk in the slightest; seeing the outline of the Marauder ahead of you as you walk forward towards it with purpose. It's just that your conversation with the rest of the 99's has pushed you over the edge.

You ended up leaving not long after you'd finished talking, deciding to take the opportunity of Tech being alone. It's not too often you have the chance to do so.

You'll just say how you feel, and damn the consequences. You can't stay in the limbo anymore.

But Tech is just, so hard to read.

You've gotten better at it over time, but sometimes you find yourself wondering. His brothers know him best, and hopefully their encouragement doesn't end with you making an ass of yourself.

You have the codes to unlock the Marauder, bringing down the gangplank so you can head inside. Once you do, it's only takes a quick look to the right to locate Tech, who's situated in the cockpit using Gonky as an extension to his current work table; Which is the control panel. He heard your entrance and looks over, perking up in casual surprise.

"Oh, I thought you all would be out for most of the evening." He says it with curiosity, not disappointment. You notice he's reading one of the books you'd mentioned awhile ago when you step closer, datapad sat aside whatever he's been tinkering with. He must be using it as background noise.

"Yeah, it got a little too rowdy for my liking." He's soldering two wires together, humming and adjusting his goggles with a wiggle of his nose. When he speaks he's still working, not looking as you watch over him from his side.

"I apologize for my brothers if they said or did anything particularly uncouth; Them and large amounts of alcohol are not often the best combination." Speaking from experience? You joke to only yourself. Smiling, you wave off his concerns.

"Nah, they were fine," Your sentence hangs for a bit, leaning to one side as your eyes flick over his hands and arms. "I, wanted to talk to you, actually." That admission gets Tech's interest, naturally.

Gonky takes up a good portion of the free space between the seats, so he ushers the droid away and gives you the room to sit down.

"To me?" He seems both surprised and curious, already trying to figure out what you'd possibly need to talk to him about. It could be any number of things, it's not as if the two of you have ever run out of things to talk about.

"Yeah, I," You lick your lips, finding the words and the confidence to just say them.

Gods he looks so cute right now... You think while seeing his dark brown eyes watch you from behind his goggles.

"Do you want to go out sometime? Just you and me?" He quickly counts his tools as he puts them away back in his storage box, glancing up at you.

"Do you need help with something? I see no need why to specify just you and me if you would just like to go and-"

You get out of your seat and kneel on the edge of Tech's, leaning inward and stealing a kiss from him. He certainly looks surprised the moment you pull away, but it seems to get the point across well enough.

"Oh," He says, adjusting his goggles from where you'd bumped them out of alignment. "You meant in that way." His eyes are wide, flicking around focus on a different part of your face as he thinks.

"I, failed to think this was a possible scenario." In any other situation you might've considered making a joke, but the tone would be ruined if you did so.

"Being a clone isn't a desirable trait apart from a few select scenarios, my brothers are quite overbearing, and the state of the war I-" He cuts himself off, brain thinking a mile a minute. "You really want me?"

You smile and nod, lips just barely dusting over his. You can still feel his breath on your face, before he decides to kiss you this time. His feels more assertive, as if he's quickly gaining the confidence in what he's figured out so far. His body rises from his aggressive slouch and his hands move up your thighs, from where they had laid politely on your knees.

"Do you want me to say?" You say, feeling his hands on your hips.

His brothers won't be back for most of the night anyways. He has plenty of time to figure things out and get all the answers he needs.

"Yes."

[hermitknut]

20 Questions for Fic Writers Tag Game

@birdylion tagged me :D

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

56.

2. what’s your total AO3 word count?

440,219

3. what fandoms do you write for?

There've been quite a few over the years. Currently Goblin Emperor (slightly on the back burner while I unkink my writer's block) and Hands of the Emperor (just started dabbling, nothing posted yet). Before that Merlin, Green Rider, Realm of the Elderlings, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter predominantly, with little dips into Discworld, Sherlock, Sweep, Supernatural, Percy Jackson, Lady Trent, Life on Mars, Old Kingdom, Life on Mars, and MASH. I have some Narnia stuff kicking about in my drafts somewhere, and while I've never posted it I've been writing Animorphs fanfic for years.

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Stairs Beneath the Heart: Goblin Emperor, a series of vignettes that runs parallel to the canon that I posted through the start of the pandemic and really enjoyed. It was the first time in ages I'd had a regular posting schedule, and the first time ever I'd had that much fandom attention on something I was writing - everyone was so lovely <3.

Take These Tower Stones: Goblin Emperor, the sequel to the above, a much more coherent and consistent story which everyone was again really supportive of <3

What Friends Are For: Discworld; Angua gives Vetinari the shovel talk. There's a big disparity in the stats between the previous two fics and the rest, so these last three were a surprise to me! I'm glad people liked them though :)

Fire in the Night: Merlin, somewhat angsty nightmare/comfort oneshot. Again, surprised to see this one so near the top, but pleasantly so.

The Michen Emperor: Goblin Emperor again, currently the bane of my existence because I can't seem to finish it (I will eventually, just need to unstick my brain). Really appreciate all the love people have shown it. Basically, what if canon but with smol!Maia.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably either Take These Towers Stones, or Red Sky (which is a tiny little snippet of fluff).

8. do you get hate on fics?

I've had a few shitty comments, and mostly I've just deleted them. I've never had any extended hate campaigns or anything, just people who mistakenly thought their dislike was worth expressing.

9. do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Occasionally; usually though not always queer, normally pretty tame. I read smut usually without worrying about the warnings, but I'm a bit too shy to comment on it, and I think that extends to my writing, haha. Maybe I'll get the hang of it some day :)

10. do you write crossovers?

Nah, for some reason they don't work for me at all - almost a squick, I don't read them either. The closest I got was considering a fic where the characters from Green Rider had diplomatic contact with the characters from the Chronicles of Ixia series, but I never ended up getting there.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so - I should probably put in my Ao3 that people are welcome to if they like, I keep forgetting. I'd be honoured if anyone wanted to.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope; I'm very picky and not good at compromise, though it's something I'd like to work on one day. It'd have to be very low stakes and with someone very patient!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

Lines of Silver and Gold (Realm of the Elderlings) is probably my oldest fic that is both posted and unfinished, and I have no current plans to work on it. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to come back to it, but that book series was my thesis topic and unfortunately I rather burnt myself out on it, so it might be a long while.

The Queen Rider series was originally going to have two more fics, but those have been scrapped; fortunately it resolves quite nicely as is. Maybe I will put up a little misc fic with what I do have of the rest some day.

And on a more positive note, my Animorphs fic - it was originaly going to be a full written-through story spanning a considerable post-canon period, but unfortunately I lost the original in a harddrive failure and while I rewrote some of it I rather lost my enthusiasm for it. However, I have been reconsidering lately and might post what exists as a series of loosely connected vignettes; we'll see.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue is what I find easy and what I've received the most compliments on; I think this is because a lot of my fic is drafted "out loud" before I get anywhere near setting it to page, so the first iteration is often predominantly speech. I'm also often told I'm good at mimicking the tone of the canon, if I'm writing for a book fandom.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Research (I'll do it if it's something that will otherwise potentially hurt people, but other than that I have neither the effort nor the inclination), and making things messy - that is, I tend to tidy things up a lot and I'm not good at letting my characters get things wrong/communicate badly/etc. Good for fix-its, less good for creating challenges in the story.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I am depressingly monolingual so I don't do it in my fics; as to what everyone else does I think they should have fun and do whatever they like, I suppose. Not enough knowledge to have more of an opinion than that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter was my gateway fandom.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Ohhhh tough one. I'm immensely proud of the Keystone series (The Stairs Beneath the Heart and Take These Tower Stones), so they're solid candidates, but I also really like The Shadow of the Mountains (Lady Trent) and Miracles (Realm of the Elderlings), the latter of which contains possibly my favourite line of prose I've written.

I'm tagging @the-tao-of-fandom, @pipuhattar, @alittlefellowinawideworld, @nonasuch, and anyone else who'd like to answer!

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki x Sengoku Night Blood Crossover - A Fleeting Vision A Fortuitous Meeting with a Samurai Episode 3

Looking at how fast I can translate about 2-3000 characters chapters so quickly... is not something I ever think about 🤣. Or for more than 30 seconds aside from when noticing how much work I've done so far hahaha. In fairness, I haven't hid the fact that I hate to translate and would rather do almost anything else... c'est la vie.

Anyway, there are two more parts after this... and once I'm done with those, that'll be it for Hakuoki until I finish playing Veilguard, as that'll cover the one missed week in September and five weeks (Thursdays) for October.

Hakuoki x Sengoku Night Blood Crossover - A Fleeting Vision A Fortuitous Meeting with a Samurai Episode 3: Fumbling in the Dark

Translation by KumoriYami

The next morning——after being called to the Great Hall [?], I noticed that Yukimura-san and the others were already there.

Heroine: (Although I'm very glad that we can meet again so soon, I'm still nervous about meeting like this though…)

I wasn't the only one feeling this way, and Yukimura-san was looking similarly looking straight at me with a nervous look on her face.

Heroine: (If only the upcoming discussion could eliminate this sense of unease…)

Just as I began thinking that, the conversation between both sides started.

We exchanged the information that we had. Unfortunately, Yukimura-san didn't provide any new information, there were still many things I hadn't yet told them, and I revealed everything this time.

Okita: In other words, we got dragged into the Geggazoku's struggle for power?

His words were so sharp, that I was a little worried that everyone from Uesugi Army would be hurt by those words.

Heroine: (Though I can understand being angry for getting caught up in this world without consent…)

Amakasu Kagemochi: I really don't have any justification to refute that. However, we can be certain that it is not our fault that you were called to this world. Please understand that.

Saito: I have a general understanding of the situation, but this really is quite troublesome.

Amakasu Kagemochi: I have nothing to say.

Kagemochi-san must have been ready to be criticized a long time ago. His attitude was the same as usual, while the others listened in silence.

Saito: We wish to return to our original world. Provided that we are able to see this Himemiko, will she able to grant our wish?

Amakasu Kagemochi: I can only say that's how it should be. We are similarly betting everything on that possibility and are currently searching for her. So, if you also want to find the Himemiko, do you want to take action with us?

Okita: In other words, while were with you, we'll be fighting those monsters called Yakuma, right?

Amakasu Kagemochi: Yes, that's indeed how it will be.

Okita: Nn.... Hey, I bet other people have said that you have a nice personality?

Amakasu Kagemochi: Hehe, who knows?

Both of their smiles made them appear happy, but they made people shudder, and sent chills down their spines.

Saito: Although your negotiation demands are somewhat unreasonable, I have a general understanding for what it entails. However, I cannot respond to you immediately.

Amakasu Kagemochi: Can you tell me why you can't reply?

Saito: We have an individual we need to receive our instructions from, and as long as this person agrees, we will accept your request.

Naoe Kanetsugu: Is the person you are referring to also in Shinga?

Saito: A moment before being drawn into this world, we had all been acting together. I believe that it would be more appropriate to consider them as having come to this world.

Kakizaki Kageie: Then, they should be in the Uesugi domain… No, somewhere in Shinga.

I couldn't hide my surprise upon finding out that more people have come to Shinga than anticipated.

Uesugi Kenshin: Why have so many people been involved this time?

Amakasu Kagemochi: Maybe the Himemiko's power has experienced some sort of change.

Uesugi Kenshin: Perhaps. However we can't just act on speculation. Still let's prioritize protecting the visitors who have come here from another world. Kagekatsu, Kanetsugu. I order you to find their companions and bring them here.

Saito: If I go with you, my comrades should be more likely to believe you. Allow me to accompany you.

Heroine: (It's great that both sides were able to reach an agreement sooner than I thought…)

Just as my heart secretly rejoiced——

Okita: Hey, it'll be boring to spend this time waiting for Hijikata-san. Uesugi-san, you should be quite good at fighting right? Can you accompany me for a few moves?

The gentle atmosphere inside the venue was filled with killing intent due to Okita-san's words.

Kakizaki Kageie: What impudence! You can't just… get away with saying that as a joke!

Okita: I didn't intend to say that as a joke just now.

Amakasu Kagemochi: Then, please modify your previous remarks. You words are too rude.

After receiving the sever responses from Kageie-san and Kagemochi-san, Okita-san shrugged his shoulders and shut up.

Amakasu Kagemochi: Please bring them to the guest room.

The retainers grimaced and brought them away.

Since I still wanted to talk to Yukimura-san, I went to the room that was assigned to them.

Heroine: (Uh... why is Kageie-san here?) (In any case, they should be treated as guests, so there's no need for the surveillance.)

Perhaps it's because my question was shown in my expression, Kageie-san turned his head away uncomfortably.

Kakizaki Kageie: I, I'm not spying on them. I'm just a bit concerned about their rude marks to Kenshin-sama just now.

Heroine: (I see. Okita-san's remarks just now caused them to be viewed with suspicion again.)

For the Uesugi Army, Kenshin-san is viewed as a special existence, and isn't the kind of person you can casually propose a fight with. Due to Okita-san's remarks just now, they've become targets of Kageie-san's surveillaince.

Heroine: (They should have different different ways of thinking. This sort of thing will need time to understand.)

Because I knew that the situation becoming like this wasn't the fault of either party, I frankly explained my intentions to Kageie-san.

Heroine: I want to speak to Yukimura-san, there shouldn't be an problem with that, right?

Kakizaki Kageie: Of course that won't be a problem. I'll make the arrangements, just wait a moment.

Heroine: Okay, thank you.

After waiting there for a while, the shoji door opened. Looking inside, I could see Yukimura-san standing at the back of the room.

Toudou: Hey, is it really okay that I don't come with you?

Harada: Don't worry, didn't we just agree that I'll be the one to stand guard?

Toudou: That being said… I'll still go ...

Kakizaki Kageie: Didn't I allow just one of you to follow?

Toudou: Speaking of which, it's not because you're monitoring us that we're feeling nervous.

Harada: That's because Souji did something wrong. However the culprit himself didn't care and went to sleep.

Kakizaki Kageie: That's exactly what happened/how it is. I'll calm down after a while, so you should bear with it for now.

Heroine: (I'd still rather come back again later.)

While both parties were bickering, Yukimura-san noticed my presence and lightly nodded to me.

Yukimura: No, I'm sorry…… I'll go over now. Heisuke-kun, I'll be fine, so I'll be going first.

Harada: Then, I'll leave watching the place to you.

Toudou: Got it. If anything happens, just call and I'll rush over right away.

I smiled as Yukimura-san walked towards me.

Heroine: I'm sorry for visiting so suddenly. I wanted to come to talk to you.

Yukimura: Of course that isn't a problem. I wanted to talk with you too...

That's good, I thought, and let out a relieved breath, before then deciding to go somewhere quiet with her to talk.

At first, I was going to take her to my room…… But in the end, I chose the place facing the courtyard because I felt that it would be better than an enclosed space. Harada-san stopped not too far away us, and sat down while holding his spear.

Yukimura: Um, please don't mind that, he's in the habit of never leaving his weapon...

Heroine: Nn, I don't mind. And Kageie-san was also always like this before, so that makes two of us. (I think that as long as both parties can slowly understand each other, that would be good.)

From the same perspective, because I am also a woman, I really wanted to speak with Yukimura-san.

Heroine: You just came here, so there must be a lot of inconveniences for you. If there's anything I can do to help, please feel free to ask.

Yukimura: Thank you. But, But why do you want to take care of me like this?

Heroine: Because in this world, I'm still your senpai.

Yukimura:.....! So that's how it is.... Hehe, then I'll trouble you a lot.

Heroine: You can still laugh… That's great…. I was worried that you were going to feel depressed.

Yukimura: How could I get depressed! I have an important mission that I still need to complete in my original world.

Although I didn't know what Yukimura-san's mission was, seeing the enthusiasm and her eyes however, made me want to cheer for her.

Heroine: I'm rooting for you. Then let's go find Himemiko-sama together.

Yukimura: Okay!

While we were chatting aimlessly and enjoying ourselves, there was a sudden commotion from the city. Just as we felt that we were unable to make sense of anything, Harada-san spoke to Yukimura-san.

Harada: It seems like something's happened. Let's go back to our room just in case.

Yukimura:...That's right.

After listening to Harada-san's words, Chizuru-san nodded. I was about to bring them to their room——

Amakasu Kagemochi: Ah, there you are.

Heroine: Kagemochi-san! What on earth is going on?

Amakasu Kagemochi: It appears that Yakuma have appeared in the town.

---to be continued in part 4 here---

[stardustedknuckles]

I'm starting to think that if you're good at math and you like the way math makes sense and it doesn't crush your soul to learn it, you might should maybe probably see how far you can get learning math and see if you can do a career with it.

If you'd told me ten years ago as senior in college (hey what the fuck) that one day I would be sitting at my desk at home furiously scribbling equations and getting dopamine from correctly solving them - and not only that, but not being frustrated by the little mistakes but just learning to watch out for them...

I feel like the standard finish there is "I would've laughed at you." but like. I had such a good college algebra teacher that I was in fact briefly a math major. I was inspired. It all made sense. But I was at college on a full ride scholarship and if I made below a B in any class, I would be put on probation and if it happened again I would lose that scholarship.

Is it any fucking wonder that I hedged my bets and stuck with English? It's the same reason I stopped learning German even though I didn't mind the idea of retaking a class to be sure I understood it. I was somewhat trapped and afraid to use my one single second chance. And now I'm freshly 31 looking back and going... Okay but I CAN do this. I've always been able to do this. I just have lived my life for so long by the belief that I am not allowed to fail, ever, and that doing so will be catastrophic - something that has in fact been reinforced through things like conditional scholarships and lifelong anxiety that if I am not the best and if I am not intelligent then I am nothing, because it's the only thing people praised me for (til I left school and found out that among people in the real world, outside of academia, just being a decent human is pretty great actually).

So I'm on Khan academy and I walked it all the way back to college algebra so I can refresh what I remember, and I want to see how far I can go on my own time and how confident I am that I could in fact go into a science (I'm thinking meteorology or geology) and handle the math that comes with that. It's all just formulas. If there is one thing I'm good at, it's memorization. And I did not fully appreciate in school how often math comes with its own proofing system. The Adhd tells me I don't need to check my work - it has always been an issue. But the fact that I can is huge, actually.

Formulas are actually how I look at the world. Essays were easy because each type followed a formula. All you had to do was plug in examples to prove your conclusions. Even fanfiction tropes are, almost by definition, formulaic. The problem is that this thinking won't get you very far interpersonally/outside of math. But like... If there's a way this thinking COULD get me far, then why not? Why not at least try?

I think senior me would be glad to hear we're giving it a go again in a world and a headspace where we get to set our own pace and learn for fun, with the prospect of going back to school and taking whatever time we need. Failure is okay, actually. Taking longer to achieve a degree, making school fit around your life instead of the other way around is just fine. The time will pass anyway.

[kachikirby]

GranEssex Chronicles: Chapter 24 - Rally

Inside the current base of operations for the combat division, everyone was gathered into one, open area. Everyone was silent, waiting for what Kurabe had to say, seeing as she ordered everyone here. The lady of shadows cleared her throat and sharpened her eyes, indicating she wanted no interruptions.

 "I'll be brief. First, I'm proud of all of you and how well you've been handling yourselves. Each of you have contributed greatly to this war and I'm glad that you are all still in one piece."

She started with a smile, but her smile quickly faded.

"Now onto the second point.  We've received reports of a Myovam, unaffiliated with anyone, has been sighted attacking both armies. I'll be facing the Myovam alone."

 Meta's eyes grew cold, remembering his encounter with a Myovam, his blood starting to boil.

"Mercury, we received a distress signal from a squad from the intelligence division, I want you to check it out. The rest of you will get your orders privately. Any questions?"

She asked, staring directly at Meta. She knew he had something to say, but figured he would rather talk one on one. No one spoke up.

"Meeting adjourned. Good luck everyone." Kurabe stated curtly, beginning to walk off. It didn't take long for Meta to go after her.

"Sensei, am I going with you?!" The youth immediately asked, getting straight to business.

His mentor didn't say this, but admittedly, she was a bit disappointed that his first words to her since she arrived on this planet were about this mission. Not to mention any form of affection was off-limits because she didn't want to upset him again by even suggesting the idea of giving him a hug in public. But, as she had done many times before, she was forced to shove those feelings into a box that she shoved to the back of her mind to focus on what he had asked.

"No, you're not going with me." She replied, bluntly, already expecting the immediate reaction she got from her student.

 "Why not?! Are you saying I can't handle it?!" Meta shouted, hurt by the implication that she was implying. "It's not because I don't think you're strong enough-"

"Then why not!?"

 "Do not interrupt me, Meta." She uttered coldly, signaling her student to let her finish speaking, which seemingly worked. "This is to boost our morale and cripple the enemy's. Think about it, I've been absent from this war until now. If I am able to completely wipe out a threat on both sides, it'll boost the Organization's morale and decrease our enemy's, making it easier to defeat them. Do you understand?"

Meta hesitated for a moment but then faintly uttered. "...yes, sensei."

Kurabe sighed internally, recognizing how reluctant he was about it. "Also, I have a different assignment for you." She said, causing him to perk up.

"Really? What is it?" He asked, tilting his head.

"There's a squad from the Magic Division who needs help with dealing with one of the major commanders we're fighting. I think you would be the best person to assist them."

Meta's mood skyrocketed, something Kurabe found amusing and something she would need to work on. But for now, there was no harm in it.

"Also, along with dealing with this commander, there's an additional mission. Recon teams from the stealth division have discovered magic circles spread around the planet. One of which is being protected by the commander you're going after. Destroy the circle if you can, Meta. We believe these circles are absorbing the planet’s energy. I don't think I need to explain why that's a concern."

Meta nodded, immediately knowing why that was the case. "I understand, sensei."

"Good. Is there anything else you need, Meta? As much as I would love to stay and talk, the Myovam won't wait for me." She asked, her tone full of professionalism, to the point it somewhat intimidated Meta. But mostly, he was awestruck at the aura she was radiating. This shift in attitude was proof the Lady of Shadows had indeed returned.

"Just one thing, sensei."

Surprising both her and he, Meta grabbed hold of her right hand.

 "I'm... happy that you came back, sensei. I was incredibly worried about you. Not that I needed to be, considering that you are unkillable. But still..."

Kurabe smiled and patted him on the head, silently telling him that she understood his point. "And I too am glad you are safe, Meta. Now I must be off, good luck with your mission."

"You too, sensei... and be safe." Meta said, whispering the last part.

 Kurabe though, she could hear it loud and clear.

"Will do."

 She gave a wave as she began her trek to fight her opponent. Of course, the faster this could be taken care of the better. Meta gave a slight sigh.

"Well, I guess I should go meet up with the Mage Division's squad..." He uttered, looking in the direction of his mentor one last time.

---------

Meanwhile, Kurabe was about to leave the makeshift base, when she noticed Mercury talk with Tam, with Tam leaving shortly after.

 "That's peculiar." She mumbled curiously.

 It wasn’t that Mercury never talked with Tam; it was just something she didn't see often. Tam was either off with her friends, pestering Meta or coming to her with advice.

"Hello there." She called out to her sister figure.

 "General Kurabe!" Mercury called out in false shock, the two proceeding to laugh. This was a running joke of theirs that began with Mercury jokingly calling her a general once.

 "So, what's up with Tam? I don't typically see you with her.” Kurabe asked incredibly casually, a state she usually only found herself in around family.

 "Oh, Tam? She just wanted to ask if Meta was fine. She seemed worried about him." The Limet vice captain replied in an equally relaxed manner, noting the tone her friend was using.

"Yes, I suppose she would be. Has he been fine? I talked with him, but I want your thoughts."

 Mercury hesitated for a moment. "...there definitely seems to be something off about him. I know he's been extremely worried about you, but I think there's something else to it if you know what I mean."

 "He's on edge. Ah yes, I know how that feels. He wants to keep everyone safe, and it's putting stress on him. I will talk to him about this when we're done with our own missions. Hopefully my return will take the edge off, if only somewhat."

 "I have no doubt it will, he always listens to you." Mercury then tilted her head. "I guess you saying that means that you have a bit more to say about my mission?”

"Yes, like I said, your mission is to help the intelligence division. Ironically, we know nothing about it other than they need help. Reedy's needed next to my father's side at the moment, otherwise he'd probably do it himself. I trust you can handle it just fine."

 "Of course, you helped train me to fight so I think I can take on anything!" She said in a faux smug manner.

"Yes, well I know better than to doubt you. So, I won't. I did notice that Tam gave you something before she left. A new bomb she made, I presume?”

"Yeah, ice grenades."

 Immediately, Kurabe looked concerned. "Ice? Mercury, you do know what you're doing, right? That could kill you if you're not careful."

"So could any other grenade." The Limet woman bluntly replied.

"Point taken. I'll trust you, but be careful with that."

 "Oh, you know I will be, right?" She smiled.

"Yes, yes. Now, I must be off. The Myovam won't wait for me."

"Hey, sis, before you head out. There's something that's been bothering me. Why haven't our enemies done anything about the Myovam? She's as much of a problem for them as she is for us."

Mercury had a point, and it was something Kurabe was thinking about as well. It really didn't make sense, but maybe it wasn't supposed to.

"Our enemies are lunatics that thrive on chaos. Perhaps they don't care about what happens to themselves, just as long as we get destroyed. Perhaps the leader has a greater motive. But regardless of the why's and how's, my job is still the same. I must go, be safe my sister." Kurabe declared, her eyes becoming sharp once more and took off running as fast as she could.

Mercury's smile turned into a slight frown. “Good luck, sis. You'll be safe, I'm sure. Now, I should take off as well."

Instantly, wings of silver formed on Mercury's back, a trick she used whenever she needed to be somewhere fast, and soon she was off into the sky.

---------

Inside a darkly lit room, only lit by the light was coming from computer monitors, a lone figure sat down on a fancy-looking chair that was seemingly decorated with gold. It was in reality, fool’s gold, a deliberate design choice on the owner's part. The figure smirked as we watched the chaotic battles taking place all over the planet, his interest mostly focused on the Myovam. This figure was a dark red puffball, similar to that of Kurabe and Meta. He wore a jacket with red spider lilies and glasses and the most striking part of him was his oddly colored eyes and his well-kept yet slightly messy hair. This was the leader of Void, the most dangerous man on the planet. His name is Mars. A sudden knock on the door alerted Mars to the presence of another, a presence he wasn’t bothered by in the least.

"You can come in, Katsumi. Not as if you really care about my permission."

His deep, calm yet dangerous voice called out. A voice both comforting and terrifying at the same time. After he said this, another puffball, this one a red-orange color while wearing what appeared to be a school uniform and a scowl on her face entered the room. Almost instantly, she got down to business.

 "Oi, I definitely know you've heard about that Myovam thing that's attacking the troops. You gonna do anything about it or you just gonna sit and do nothing?"

She took out the lollipop in her mouth and spun it between her fingers.

"I could kill it with one strike. So any reason you're not having anyone fight it?"

Mars seemed to expect that response from her, so he gave his reply quickly. "There's a simple reason for that. I'm curious about the so-called "Lady of Shadows"."

 Despite already scowling, he noted that Katsumi's scowl deepened, indicating that this was not the response she wanted to hear.

"So let me get this straight... you let your soldiers die for the sake of your own curiosity?"

"And they were happy to do so."

There was a brief moment of silence, as if Katsumi needed to process that response, but it was clear it was one she was conflicted, even angry about. However, she tried not to make it too obvious.

She let out an annoyed sigh. "...whatever. Do what you want, as long as I get paid, I don't care what you do."

 Mars simply laughed and Katsumi could swear she saw his hair twitch slightly.

"Katsumi, have I ever mentioned how delightful your visits are?" He asked and Katsumi had no idea if he was being sincere or sarcastic. Perhaps a bit of both.

 "If that's supposed to be a compliment, it's not working, bozo."

 "Believe what you like. Listen Katsumi, I do have another reason besides simple curiosity. You're smart, you know what will happen once the heroic Lady of Shadows slays the devious beast causing destruction."

 "Yeah, those Organization morons will get a morale boost, and your soldiers will suffer because of it."

 "Yes, our enemies will be happy. Then, what will happen once you immediately kill, let's say, a hundred of them?"

 The lollipop she was holding fell from her hand and shattered on the floor. She was completely shocked by his casual orders. "Are you serious!?"

"Fifty times the amount I already promised you. You kill a hundred, and you'll be even richer than you'd possibly imagine."

 Katsumi was speechless. "Fifty...? Am I hearing that right?"

 "For killing a hundred after Kurabe kills the Myovam, yes. Money is of no issue for me."

Katsumi was conflicted. She didn't mind getting her hands dirty, she was a mercenary after all. But a hundred all at once was a tall order, even for her. But the way he calmly gave her this offer, it gave her the impression he believed in her abilities. Her pride was beginning to overcome any hesitance she had.

"Deal. But what should I do until then?" She asked, trying to change topics.

"Stay and enjoy the fireworks." He replied, summoning a chair next to his own.

Katsumi sat down and, in that moment, she knew why so many were ready to die for this man. His charisma, his presence was simply incredible. She would never openly admit it, but she was impressed and absolutely terrified. Mars simply smiled, enjoying the chaos that was sure to spread.

---------

Meanwhile, Kurabe continued to travel alone.

 "It looks like I'm going on the right path..." She uttered aloud.

When she was alone, she often talked to herself to pass the time and manage her thoughts more easily. Of course, she could've also spoken to Rubis and Grenat, but they were at the opposite ends of the spectrum with how talkative they were. Rubis could go on for hours if he wanted, where Grenat mostly stayed quiet. It was easier just to manage her thoughts on her own for now.

"Meta, I'm sure he'll be fine. He's grown a lot, maybe a bit too fast, but he's ready for anything. I believe in that." She said absent mindedly, her thoughts quickly going to her protégé.

She was incredibly worried about him, but she was also proud of him. She had faith in him, she had faith in her entire family. And it was that faith that gave her the strength to keep going.

 "I should be around the area she was last seen soon... the question is where exactly is she?"

 She then closed her eyes and focused to try and sense any kind of magic that could possibly read as a Myovam. Suddenly, her instincts began to scream, and she quickly dodged a clawed hand, swiping at her from behind.

"The Lady of Shadows. My, quite the delicious meal appeared before. My name is Cramoisie. Now, let the feast begin."

The now named Myovam opened her mouth and screamed as loud as she could, causing a significant amount of damage from just the sound alone. Unfortunately, that was the least of Kurabe’s worries, as the sonic screech took away both her ability to hear, and her ability to see. Before she could make any form of plan, she felt herself getting kneed in the stomach, followed by a vicious right hook that shattered a part of her visor. Though, Kurabe managed to quickly pick herself back up.

 "I've had worse." She loudly called out, trying to sound as obnoxious as possible.

Cramoisie snarled and lunged towards Kurabe, who smirked. She might not be able to see or hear, but she can still sense emotions. With a motion, Kurabe sliced one of Cramoisie's wings off, sending her crashing down to the ground.

"This isn't the first time I've fought blind. You'll need to do better than that-"

 Suddenly, Kurabe fell down, violently coughing. Her sense of hearing came back, which seemed to be deliberate from Cramoisie.

"About time. Since you're about to become my dinner, I suppose I should explain." She taunted the immobile Kurabe, picking her up with one hand. "My magical scream from earlier? It had two purposes. You already know the first purpose, to rob you of your senses. The second is a bit more specific. My magic infiltrated your mind and is forcing your body to shut down. Typically, the effect is instant, but particularly strong individuals can resist it for a time. Thankfully, it seems it's finally affecting you. Good, because I certainly would have died if we kept going." She admitted truthfully.

 "...What...are you going to do to me?" Kurabe struggled to ask, trying her best to move.

Cramoisie smiled, digging her claws into Kurabe’s body. The warrior resisted screaming, but began to feel weak.

 "I'm a Myovam. I feed on the energy of others. And you, my fair lady, are a walking buffet of energy. So, I think I'll keep you. With you in my care, I'll never grow hungry."

 With a laugh. Cramoisie increased the rate at which she drained the puffball. The situation seemed incredibly dire as Kurabe was barely able to stay conscious.

"No, I can't let this be the end. No... no... NOOOO!"

Kurabe’s anger reached its peak, magical energy began to swirl around her, Cramoisie being sent back in the process.

"Impossible! You're supposed to be at my mercy!" She lunged at Kurabe, only to get her other wing chopped off.

Kurabe’s vision returned and if looks could kill, Cramoisie would already be dead.

 "I have a family to return to. So, I'm very sorry, but I have to decline our little dinner date."

"NO! A MEAL AS DELICIOUS AS YOU, WILL NEVER GET AWAY!" Opening her mouth wide, Cramoisie fired a giant red laser beam directly at Kurabe.

"You're insane. That much power could destroy everything around us. All power, zero control. I could never lose to a fool like you."

Her swords began to glow as she slashed the oncoming blast, redirecting into the sky, where it exploded. The force of the explosion was so powerful, the ground around them became cracked and distorted.

"Your hunger is a threat to this galaxy. If given the chance to live, you would continue to kill and capture others just to eat. You're a monster, and it's my job to make sure monsters like you will never see the light of day. She who robs others of life, your life is now forfeit. To end your evil, I'll gladly put myself in danger!" Kurabe shouted, channeling a portion of her life force into her two blades. She jumped into the air and dove right at Cramoisie, stabbing her in the chest. "May your soul vanish from this world! Crimson Shadow Spike!"

Shadow-like copies of her swords appeared all around Cramoisie, plunging themselves into her body. Cramoisie knew that she was finished, as the swords began to explode, erasing her body and soul from this world. Without as much as whimper, the Myovam was no more. Upon landing on the ground, Kurabe panted for a moment, still on high alert in case someone else would attack. After noting that there was no one else, she let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Rubis, Grenat." She uttered to her swords.

 Slowly relaxing herself, a thought crossed her mind. If the Myovam planned on imprisoning her, then no doubt the monster had imprisoned others as well. Closing her eyes, she focused her senses and quickly felt a large amount of anguish and sadness coming from a specific spot in the woods.

"Her victims, most likely. Just hang on for a little while longer, help is on its way." She declared, taking off as fast as she could.

---------

Mars smirked at the sight he saw unfold, turning to look at his current guest.

 "Quite the battle, wouldn't you agree?" He asked Katsumi, who was equal parts impressed and slightly scared. Not that she would admit that.

"What was that attack she used? I've never seen that before."

Mars nodded at the question and adjusted his glasses, which was more of a quirk than anything necessary. "Crimson Shadow Spike. It's a technique she created. And she's the only one who knows it. Not even I can use it, not that I necessarily need it."

 "You definitely don't." Katsumi thought, keeping a straight face. "So, what's the deal with that attack?" She asked, not expecting too many details due to this seemingly being a rarity based on Mars's description of it.

"It's an attack that guarantees death to whoever is on the receiving end of it. Of course, it has a few seals in place that need to be broken before using it so she can't just use it whenever she wants."

Mars began to go over each one, raising a finger to indicate the number one.

 "The first seal: She must perceive the enemy as a threat." He added another finger. "The second seal: The enemy must be perceived as a threat to the planet, galaxy, or universe." He added one more finger. "The final seal: she must sacrifice part of her life force to use it. It's quite intriguing."

Internally, Katsumi was panicking, but she tried to keep a straight face. "How do you know so much about it?"

 "I have my methods."

"Okay, let me rephrase my question. Why do you know so much?" Katsumi asked, not appreciating the non-answer she received. She hated it when people refused to get to the point.

Mars smiled, but this one seemed...genuine was not the right word, but it felt less dangerous than his usual smile. Almost as if he was pleased by her stubbornness. "That's quite simple, my dear associate. A hunter researches the habits and abilities of their prey. I love a good challenge and the lady of shadows is the one I wish to fight the most. And besides."

 His eyes became even sharper than before and Katsumi began to fear for her life in that very moment. "War is a lot more fun when you have something to look forward to. Now, don't you have some soldiers to go kill?"

 The female puffball stepped back, trying to lessen the sharpness of his eyes at that moment.

 "Y-yes, of course I do. I'll get to doing that." She quickly uttered before making her escape.

"Such an entertaining mercenary. So full of fear, and yet so full of pride. It's quite delicious, if I do say so myself." Mars laughed, speaking to, seemingly, no one. His eyes rested on the image of Kurabe’s victory and continued to laugh. This war of his was certainly going to be the best time of his life.

"My lord, why not fight Kurabe now while she's weakened?" A new voice, the identity of which obscured by the shadows asked.

 "And ruin my plans? I need this war to go on for as long as possible. Killing her now would end things far too quickly. Not to mention it be would no fun to fight her now." He responded, all of his excitement gone from his eyes and voice. "Now, why are you here, Acai?"

 The mysterious voice, now known to belong to someone named Acai, spoke once more. "A group of magic division soldiers are on their way to the magic sigil I'm stationed at. According to my scouts, apparently the prized student of Kurabe is on his way to join them. How should I handle them?"

 And just like, Mars' excitement came back. All he could do in response was smile.

---------

Back with Kurabe, she had finally come across what she was looking for. An abandoned mine shaft, most assuredly where the captives of the Myovam were being kept. Keeping her guard up, she walked inside and then closed her eyes, attempting to sense out the presence of the captives.

 "Yes, you're here..." she uttered after a moment. Then, she called out. "Whoever is here, please stay put! I'm coming to rescue you!"

 She valiantly ran forwards, only to be stopped by a visible force field, and in front of it was a stone statue with glowing red eyes.

"Intruder. If you wish to proceed, you must answer my riddle." The statue spoke.

 Kurabe could tell that the force field was well made, and she was too drained to use a powerful enough attack to break it. "Very well, give me your riddle."

"Listen well, as I'll only say this once. Two individuals competed in a martial arts tournament. Both were undefeated up until the finals of said competition. One competitor received a broken leg, while the other had a broken arm. Despite this, both ended up winning and becoming the champion. How is this possible?"

Kurabe closed her eyes, trying hard to figure out how to best answer.

 "Two competitors, one tournament and they both won. That's not possible, unless it's a point bases tournament. No, even then they would have had a tie breaker. You can't just have to winners, unless there's an extremely specific circumstance that calls for it. Perhaps it was a team-based tournament, and the finalists were teammates. No... if they were friends, they wouldn't have broken each other's limbs like that. And the statue said they were both undefeated, so even in the case of two teammates fighting, one would inevitably have to lose. Hold on... I'm simply assuming things about this tournament. What if..."

 Kurabe opened her eyes and stared at the statue. "The answer is, they competed in two separate tournaments completely unrelated to each other. That's how they were both champions and remained undefeated."

 After a chilling moment of silence, the statue spoke. "That is correct. You may proceed."

Kurabe nodded and continued forth, sensing where the captives were.

 "Please be safe, I'll be there soon!" She thought.

 Soon, she came across a prison cell, which contained twenty, thankfully still alive, captives. Some of which were members of the Organization. Others were supposed to be her enemies. But not even her enemies deserved to suffer like this. She could tell that some were barely clinging onto life as is.

"I'm Kurabe, and I'm here to set you all free."

Before she could get a response, she smashed her swords into the gate, breaking it open so the captives could escape.

"You're free, now get moving."

 Immediately, people she recognized as organization members fled while profusely thanking her. However, the members of Void stood still. Kurabe gave them a perplexed look, not sure why they weren't moving.

 "What? Are you not leaving?"

"...Why are you letting us go?" One of them asked.

"We're enemies, wouldn't it be better for you to just leave us here?" Another asked.

"Simple. You're victims of an outside force. What she was doing to you was, simply put, horrific. A life as a living battery? That’s a fate I wouldn't wish upon my enemies. Yes, I could leave you all here to rot, but what would I gain from it? Nothing. Your lives are yours to live. If you wish to fight me, that's your choice. If you wish to flee, that's your choice. We might be enemies, but there can be peace amongst foes. The choice is yours."

 With that said, Kurabe turned to leave and walked out. The members of Void looked at each other, a full conversation exchanged with one simple look. They left the cave, intent on returning to headquarters. The time for violence could wait, now was the time for peace. Albeit a temporary period of peace. The warrior let out a sigh of relief, happy that the captives were escaping safely. Yes, there was no doubt they would find themselves on the end of her blade in the coming days, but that was how war was.

 "Well, I should probably get moving." She uttered as she headed out. "Hopefully Mercury is doing alright. Who am I kidding? She'll be fine, she's stronger than me in her own way. Even if she doesn't acknowledge it."

---------

Meanwhile, Mercury had reached the location of the Intelligence Division's base on the planet.

 "Well, I made it. But...something doesn't feel right."

The base appeared empty. She knew that the intelligence division had multiple bases around the planet, so not every base would be filled to the brim with people. But there was barely anyone around. The strange part was that there was no noticeable damage around the base itself. Figuring that the only way to find out what was happening was to move forward, Mercury went inside. Hoping that this rescue mission wouldn't be more than she bargained for.

[diary-ofamadwoman]

Thank you for tagging me @mothboypoison♥

Fanfic Writer Interview

How many works do you have on AO3?

30.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

make me feel like your whole world - BSD, Fyodor/Nikolai

why would you make out of words - BSD, Fyodor/Nikolai

Love for you is like a religion, it’s terrifying - BSD, Fyodor/Nikolai

Don't be a Fool for the Devil, Darling! - BSD, Fyodor/Nikolai

Meow chances - Buddy Daddies, Kazuki/Rei

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, I'm trying to respond to everyone as fast as I can. It truly makes me so happy to know someone out there has enjoyed my work enough to leave a comment!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I find it quite a challenge to write angst and to be honest I start 95% of my works with the intention of making them fluffy, or simply not angsty in general. Maybe the easiest way for a work of mine to turn into angst is if there's smut too, but not always

Anywayy, for the angstiest ending: wanna fade away with you (T; Waka/Shion from After God) and You won't hear me Singing (M; Fyodor/Nikolai), although it might not seem like it at first glance

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think most of my works have a somewhat happy ending. My favourite ones must be: remember the view, streetlights in the dark blue (E; Imori/Wani from After God), there's a big change in their relationship at the end of it, ✨a new beginning✨ And my four Fyolai modern AU winter fics, there's lots of fluff!

Do you write crossovers?

Nope

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep, m/m

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so

Have you ever had a fic translated?

The only one that's translated is by me (into my first language) A while ago someone asked if they could translate another one, but I've no idea if they did in the end ;(

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope but it sounds like fun

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Fyolai will always have a special place in my heart! But there are too many other ships I LOVE, from different series; the first ones that come to mind are AkiAngel and Obikawa/Tokinaga (After God)

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

All of my wips tbh ;( It's a bit difficult to continue something I haven't worked on for a long time, unless it's just small changes here and there or proofreading (eg for my unfinished Fyolai longfic)

What are your writing strengths?

Hmm, I've received many comments saying how easy it is to experience the emotions my characters are, so I guess that's one of them

What are your writing weaknesses?

As funny as it might sound since my works are in English - English in general. I wish I could use it the way I use my first language, to know all the rules and to be able to express myself the way I truly feel/want to. Another thing I want to improve is the dialogue and possibly adding more characters to a single work

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think I've tried to? It definitely could be done really well, depending on the context and the characters

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

There are so many! Some of them are Given and HGSN, which I really want to write something for next year

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

My newest fic must be one of them! I took me more than a decade to create something for No.6 and I'm glad I finally have a fic written for it: a winter's tale; Untitled (To Nikolai), my first epistolary attempt, purely self-indulgent; A winter stroll under the stars, because it always makes me feel better

[the-lunar-library]

Writerly Questionnaire

Questionnaire by @davycoquette

This is a very in-depth questionnaire for writers, suitable for original fiction writers, fanfic writers, and people who aren't writing but who are messing around with OCs. It's a lot of fun and I'm glad I stumbled over it.

Original post here.

About You

When did you start writing?

Very, very young. I would write and draw picture books about horses. Occasionally I finished them. The first chapter “book” I completed was called Starlight's Fury and heavily based on The Silver Stallion and similar wild horse stories. It was also only 3100 words. Short chapters, big writing, and lots of illustrations.

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

Sometimes. I have no interest in writing romance novels from the 1960s, but if I can find them cheap secondhand, I will snatch them up. I'm trying to think if there's themes I seek out without wanting to write them myself, and I sort of have the opposite... I tend to avoid stories centered on love triangles, but in my original fiction, I keep writing relationships that, if they aren't exactly triangles, veer awfully close. Eider-Diarca-Yew, Charmian-Jimson-Rigmor, Akantha-Alexandros-Genesius, and, yes, another one for the fourth book. In my own mind, I can declare these aren't love-triangly love triangles, but possibly I am kidding myself.

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer?) you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

I wrote last week about how Tanith Lee greatly affected my voice was I was developing it in the mid-2000s. The combination of her conversational tone and unexpected imagery really struck me, and I still find myself looking back to her and thinking how she would approach certain narrative moments.

I once heard a professor say that Emily Dickinson's writing style “scared him” because it was so spare and direct, and, my golly, I would love to be able to do that, and it's something I keep in mind when heading into heavier subjects. (I don't always want to scare the reader, but I often want that direct impact.)

Recently, my mother read The Alice Network by Kate Quinn and said its style reminded her of mine. But I don't think there's anyone I've been often compared to.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

I love the idea of writing in a cozy coffee shop, but the truth is that I would probably be too distracted. I tend to write in my bedroom, cross-legged on the floor. When I was younger, I mostly wrote longhand and would snatch whatever writing time I could, during free periods, in cars, that sort of thing; I would take my writing notebook to school and on trips.

What's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

The muse, she does not come when she's called. She likes music though. A lot of the time, any music will do, just to create a sense of shut-in-ness and a barrier from the world. If I'm writing something emotional, then I might go for really emotional music. (I wrote the last chapter of The Stars Are Fire with “Weight of the World” on repeat.)

But I don't rely on my muse if I can help it. When I was younger I did, and my (original) first drafts spanned years, and en route I often ran out of interest and momentum and they languished unfinished. So now, when life allows it, I try to set time aside (a 30 minute block, say), and that's for writing (includes editing) and you just have to sit and write, sorry, but yes, you may take breaks between paragraphs. This allows me to write much more quickly, and the idea that I won't be working on this first draft for years affords me a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't expect it to always work, but right now, it works enough.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Yeah, somewhat. Relatives' homes, different areas where they lived (the differences in scenery, animals, overall moods), and then where I grew up, traces of it have shown up in my writing. As for people, that's a tricky thing to cop to, basing characters on people you know. I don't have any characters that are one-to-one analogues of people I know. When it comes to antagonists (dangerous territory), I try to draw more on my own negative traits and bend or exaggerate them rather than settle scores writing someone I know as a villain.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

Ones that I've noticed include guilt, a sense of being cursed, conflict between once-friends, untrustworthy romantic interests, large snakes, learning how to break free/express anger in a useful way. They're not surprising. Not that I'm an edgelord or something, but these are things I'm interested in, these are things that I think make for really powerful stories.

I could also sweepingly say DEATH, because that is something I return to, though I think more in fanfiction than in original fiction. Lost Savior, Elysion, Death and Ker, The Stars Are Fire, parts of The Muse Trilogy, definitely parts of the unposted Fate stuff – they all focus on mortality and what it means for you (the person dying) and how you cope with it (the person surviving).

I'm sure there are themes that would surprise me, but that's the sort of thing a reader figures out before the writer does.

Your Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? (Current WIP, past WIP, never used, etc.)

I'm the author, and I'm irresponsible, and I'm saying Alexandros, the trickster prophet from To the Ravens. He's not my favorite in that I think he's particularly admirable. You could definitely pick a better role model. But I love writing him. He's creative, intuitive, over the top, very fun in how he talks and how he acts. He can be warm and reassuring and heroic. He's beautiful and eloquent and he can cut right to the heart of the person he's talking to. But he's always operating from an angle, coming up on your side. He spins explanations quickly, he lies with a smile, and he never looks back. He's exhausting, but so fun to write.

Which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

I feel sorry for Diarca, and he's shut up in a mirror, he could use a friend. I would also love to be friends with Wuxle, just an absolutely steady presence, someone who will watch your back when you're in danger while undramatically pointing out you're maybe not making the best decisions. I could see myself befriending Akantha and Karyai and probably even Kokkonas, though we might bicker a lot.

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

It's probably too easy to just list off antagonists, particularly the ones who head into Actual Villain territory. Among the “good” or more neutral characters, I think I'd find both Charmian and Yew sometimes frustrating in real life. But then, their bad decisions are part of why their stories happen. I don't think I'd actually dislike them, but there might sometimes be words exchanged.

Tell me about the process of coming up with one, all, or any of your characters.

I don't have any one method. With Eider, I set out to make her very appealing – I designed her to be extremely beautiful for that fairy tale factor, and I wanted her to be very brave and earnest in the hopes the reader would really get behind her. So there were a lot of deliberate choices made in her creation. Similarly, Arsen was intentionally written to evoke gothic romantic hero tropes, hopefully to examine them in an interesting way. Other characters come along in a more as-you-go sort of way. I've talked about how Jimson was originally a more villainous character, and I'm not sure what exactly changed him – the needs of the story versus how I felt while writing the character – but he definitely circumvented my plans. Akantha was originally a defiant trickster character, but researching the lives of Greek women in antiquity ended up being more interesting to me, so I wrote her well within those confines, defying them in a more slowly building way.

Right now, I'm brainstorming a possible ghost character, but at this stage I don't have much set in stone – some world-building ideas for where the ghost comes from, some tropes I might use for their personality. I think part of this process is going to involve reading different ghost stories from different sources and seeing if that shakes any interesting ideas loose. From there, I might just start listing possible tropes, origins, arcs, regardless of whether they're good, and see what connections form. Or maybe I'll work on a different character from that project and the arc of that character could end up shaping the ghost's arc secondarily. It's still early enough that things could head in so many directions; the ghost doesn't even have a name yet.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

Many! There's the stuff I mentioned above, like Yew, Charmian, and Akantha all considering themselves cursed in some respect. I see some similarities between Jimson and Alexandros, these charmers who have some pragmatism behind their smiles. Mabry and Yew are also somewhat similar, bold, irreverent, even having some similarity in their designs with their long sleek hair and big dark eyes. Charmian and Akantha both deal negatively with arranged marriages. These characters aren't identical, but they share some themes and ideas I've been turning over and exploring from book to book.

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc.)

I'm able to draw them, and that's another way I refine their characters. (Though in many cases, I don't draw them until after the project is finished.) Even so, it's not perfect. I can draw a figure with the necessary traits, but it doesn't necessarily capture the character. I still feel like I haven't ever properly drawn Arsen, and though I've gotten closer with Diarca, he's still elusive. Still not entirely pleased with any pictures I've done of Genesius – I don't think I've quite gotten his maturity, maybe. Real people do sometimes influence the characters' designs; I'd been watching lots of Poldark ahead of writing The Price and Prey of Magic, and my goodness, Aidan Turner and his deep sultry voice definitely passed some DNA on to Arsen.

I realize though that's not quite the question. How do I see them in my mind, as real people or drawings? I think it's closer to real people, but real people whose faces are still sometimes a bit blurry and uncertain to me.

Your Writing

What's your reason for writing?

I've always done it, and I've always been considered good at it (for my age group, when that was still applicable). As with a lot of writers, there's a sense in which writing's difficult and I drag my feet, but simultaneously I can say that I love it, I get an emotional and even a physical sense of well-being from it. It makes me feel accomplished, it organizes my thoughts. Being able to write, especially original projects, often feels like it's a sign of my mental health being good. When my mental health isn't as good, writing fanfiction allows for a lot of comfort and fun, emotional release, and interacting with other fans. (Which is not to say I only write fanfiction when things are going wrong in my life – don't worry about that! But for years I felt like I couldn't write original stuff anymore and fanfic gave me a way to keep writing.)

In a more exterior way, there's a quote from the Matilda movie that I can only paraphrase, but which has always stood out to me: That writers send their books out like ships to bring messages to people. I'm not claiming to have very deep material, but I think about how much enjoyment other writers' books (and fics) have given me, and I would love to pass that on as a writer.

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

All comments made in good faith, even criticism, are generous gifts. But the comments that really stand out tend to be specific – lines people liked, twists that surprised them, theories they have. One comment I remember from years and years ago was an anon on Fanfiction.net who noticed I updated a certain fic the same day every week, and that made them look forward to that day all week. Another reviewer said that years after first reading it, they still quoted one of my fics. Learning that is so touching and I'm feeling all fuzzy writing about it now.

As for criticism, I've definitely gotten it, and while I don't always agree with it, I think I can tell when the reader's put thought and honesty into their feedback. So even if I don't make the changes they suggest, the feedback is still valuable. Other times, the critic's been exactly right, and even if the feedback comes too late for me to change a project, I can still keep it in mind as I write new things.

In general though, comments in and of themselves are motivating. You might know people are reading a fic, you might see the hit number going up, but not hearing what people think about it is discouraging.

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

It's that Matilda quote again. I really, really want you to enjoy my writing, whether it's original or a fic. I want you to read it and remember it years later, and it gives you a warm nostalgic feeling, taking you back to that time in your life. When it comes to characters and world-building, I hope people find them intriguing and worth studying for their own writing, and I hope the themes and my takes on them resonate with people. But the real thing, the crucial thing, is that I hope you like my writing and remember it.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

It's hard not to think of an answer that doesn't come from someone else. It's also easier to focus on shortcomings. Part of the problem is that quality is subjective, so something I really like about my writing could be just the thing a given reader hates.

I think I'm capable of some good poetic language. For some people, it might shade too purple; other people might say it doesn't go purple enough. Some would say that if I like a line, I should make like Faulkner and kill it, but I don't subscribe to that motto. If you let all your darlings live, will you let some awful cringey lines survive? Yeah, probably. But experience will make you better able to hear what sounds awkward and what doesn't, and, honestly, better that your writing be awkward and memorable than serviceable and anonymous.

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

People note my descriptions, my dialogue, especially funny one-liners. Readers have also liked (or at least been affected by) my emotional endings, particularly in fanfic. On reflection, my fics' endings tend to be received pretty well.

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

It's tiresome to harp on, but I do see a lot of flaws in my writing. I often feel my plotting is weak and I can fumble when it comes to internal rule-/world-building.

On the positive side, right now, at this point in my life (the last 7 – 5 years or so) I'm very happy that my writing's been happening, projects emerging quickly, projects getting finished. I can't know if that will last, but I'm grateful for it as it's happening.

As for the writing itself, looking at it separately from me, my feelings are complicated. Like many (most? all?) writers, I'm writing the stories I want to read, so that's fun. On the other hand, they're written by me, so I can see backstage, as it were, see all the scaffolding and compare the story to an ideal non-existent version of it in my head. So that harshes the fun.

I've written before that when it comes to my fanfic, I'm able to go back after posting and reread it and enjoy it a lot. But rereading my published stuff doesn't offer much relaxation – I'm too caught up in things I can no longer change. I still feel that way with The Price and Prey of Magic and The Escape of Lady Aigle, but with To the Ravens, I have been able to go back and reread it, at least some sections. And while I still see small things I question and wish I could go back and alter, I do enjoy rereading it. I don't know if I've turned some corner or if there's just something special for me about To the Ravens.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

If I'm looking at this literally, I think I would be too depressed to write. But looking at it theoretically, at the broader question – or maybe just hoping that my initial depressed paralysis would be temporary – yes, I think I would write even if I didn't expect anyone to read. I have writing projects that I never plan on sharing. I have a diary I don't ever want anyone who knows me to read. My favorite fanfic has never been posted, and I'm still torn on whether it ever will be. Like I said above, writing makes me feel good. So if I'm the last human, I think writing would help. And I think I'd want to document things, just in case someone ever did come along.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

I don't know if anyone can write with such selfish purity, if they're intending to share their work. (Again, see my favorite fic, just for me, utterly self-indulgent. But even there, I didn't write it without ever considering what other people would think of it. The barrier of outside criticism was lower, but it was still there.)

So yeah, I think about the audience, in terms of making my ideas clear, or trying to make sure I'm not unwittingly offensive or insensitive, and then, yes, what they might enjoy. On the other hand, I'm very much writing the stories I want to write. My fanfic is mostly for niche JRPGs from the 2000s, 2010s, not exactly white-hot fandoms; even within those fandoms, I don't think I'm writing the subjects or characters that will get the most hits. As for the original stuff, if I was going for mass appeal, all three novels would be markedly different. I don't think I would've written a book about a second-century snake cult on the moon.

But I think there's a subtler answer. There's “readers” as in generic, mainstream readers. And then there's people who read my stuff. These are people I do and don't know, and if they like some of my writing, I'd like to think they'd enjoy more of it. I wouldn't want someone to read one of my fics/books and be majorly disappointed by another. At the same time, you can't expect to hit the target for every reader every time; that's unreasonable.

This answer is just getting more garbled. Yes, I do both. I have no idea what the percentages are, but I think generally it's always best to be true to yourself in writing, even if it might alienate some readers. Again, better to alienate and make an impression than to be palatable and easily forgotten.

[darlingpwease]

Well they're just for you and I'm happy not getting any. Glad to see your opinion on me though 😒 /t /j Weasel or rabbit, I'll keep him either way. Give him the best things and treat him only the best <33

Well I hope you enjoy it when I finish then!! :DDD Oh?? Do you know if you plan on finishing it?? Obviously you don't have to if you don't want to. Do you have any work that ur currently reading that you enjoy??

Dove, you never cease to be absolutely wonderful omgomg,, ik I say this a lot but your mind is just so good <33

.....I'm going to be completely honest, I don't understand what that means,,, but based off of your reaction, I'm positive my thoughts on what it might be are more than likely very wrong.... Works that don't involve 'a big-eyed, small chested shorty... whom everyone constantly drugging and tries to rape... leaves the country and returns with a brilliant child.' I can tell you that. Well it's a good thing I'm not a white lotus then, hm hm~/t ...I beg to differ.

I can't say anything on this blog without being bullied. >:'(( /t /hj /nsrs /hsrs YES YESZ!!

Darling, I'm so so happy we are on the same page. /gen /pos /affectionate I could literally go on and on about that too <//333 Corrupting and keeping both sound good. I wanna make em smile and wipe their tears,, maybe bully them a little but I'll shower them with many many kisses <33 I'd spoil Hua Cheng rotten,, tbh....

I am never being nice to you ever again. /j /nsrs ur the mean one here

-panna cotta

These are all super short for this one, I'm sorry :'CC

You are still as sweet with him as usual after, making sure to clean him and the environment up well, making sure he's comfortable and happy, making sure that he's okay-

But when you linger over the deep and dark marks you've given him, stroking them, even if they sting by even the slightest touch and ache afterwards, Xie Lian can't help but fall in love all over again when he sees the possessive proud look in your eyes.

When you two cuddle together, Xie Lian nuzzling into your chest once again, your arms wrapped around him as he clings to you with just as much need, it feels like everything is perfect.

For you, you finally not only have the upper-hand on yourself, but you can finally do something unique for your lover. A new imprint for him to remember, a new experience, and you can explore that with him.

For Xie Lian, you finally seem somewhat better. After how you've been changing the past dew lifetimes, he was worried. Scared. Petrified. He didn't know what to do. Was it his fault? Did he do something? You must let him know so he can make it up to you– But with how you are now, a gentle and content look on your face as you happily indulge him, no longer seeming upset and angry over anything you? he? did, Xie Lian was just... so happy.

Sometimes, like right now, it feels like nothing has changed. The way Xie Lian acts is just as you think you remember. It's so familiar -as if you've seen it thousands of times- and you still smile joyfully when he calls out your name. Finally being your usual warm self, indulging Xie Lian with whatever you could, spoiling him. It's really like nothing has ever changed.

But whether it's truly a blessing or curse only depends on whom you ask.

Omgomg, yes yes,, exactly!!! I could kiss that stunningly astonishing mind of yours, Dove <333 It's so adorable what they do,, they seem so excited and happy to be able to express their adoration that they do it whenever they can. The way their faces light up when you accept their affection is just so adorable. You didn't expect them to get so happy,, but you can't help but want to indulge them <33 Me?? I thought you wanted to do it??? I don't mind doing it tho???? It's amazing????? Nobody's stopping you either darling?????? /gen /pos /slight t

kith kith so amazing <33 uwaaa Hua Cheng loves that you are spending so much time with him. Before, when he was younger, although you would go and see him as much as you could, it still wasn't as constant as it is now. He can't but feel so happy that he is with you constantly now. He can finally stand by your side, and no one even bothers to stop him. And although you're looking for your.. lover... he still can't help but savor his selfish glee. You're with him right now. Not Xie Lian. Him. He currently has you all to himself, and he is soaking up every moment. Of course, he will still fulfill his promise to you, but he can't help but want to sink in this feeling.

(write an answer here that it's not your fault that pamna cotta is actually a cunning fox and it's better to trust the fire that it won't burn than the cunning pamna cotta.) jagshhsgshshs /t /j look, I know he's a rabbit on some art, but I can only perceive him as a weasel. rabbits don't behave like that. yuuta is a rabbit and he is much more innocent & pure than xie lian😔😔😔

I hope you finish too!!! /t /hj /affectionate just say that the idea didn't hook you, don't go around with this "you don't have to do it if you don't want to"🫤🫤🫤 /t /j I'm looking for something to sit down and read right now😔 I have enough works that I requested in the middle, because I just couldn't read on, and it looks more like a cemetery of broken hopes than the "abandoned" tab /hj

jagshsghs,,, sweet talker<33333 I didn't want to write any longer, but the idea was that xie lian and hua cheng are both heaven's favorite and paranormally lucky, respectively, so they would work well to make you stay here with them, even if it means constantly interfering with your task until one day you understand for small things, that they also undergo reincarnation and rollback in time like you, even are just "characters" who were too in love with you at the same time<3 it becomes even more problematic when other characters seem to also begin to awaken self-awareness by remembering things of the past and the future, although their timeline did not allow this, while both of your most devoted followers are very busy following you,,,,,,

babyboo, it just means an obedient person who goes (obeys) just like a calf with a rope tied around its neck. you're too perceptive & have too bad an opinion of me<///3 🤨🤨🤨 then do it, huh~ no, hon, if you don't remember, then it's nullify, and given your airhead, you broke that promise as soon as you made it, just in a future timeline :///

dark water arc is the moment that makes hearts break, you just don't understand</////333 It's almost as painful as seeing my innocent, sweet panna cotta become a blackened white lotus😔😔😔 /t /j want to take them to a psychologist and kiss them. both. both are good.

I mean- cute cheeks!!! lovely eyes!!! pretty face!!! wears bandages!!! has low self-esteem and potential depression with definitely some injuries!!! If he wasn't so provocative, I wouldn't want to torture him, okay? not my fault!!! so true,,,, I want to spoil Hua Cheng and just hold him on my lap, my dear boy, I want to spoil him completely and spoil him even if it only makes him even more clingy and needy, finally getting the love he is bound to receive!!! he deserves to have his face kissed while his hands are holding hands, and he blushes slightly, but absolutely does not mind, rather even showing you places that you can kiss<3333 look at him!!! tell him that "Hua Cheng" and "San Lang" are two of the most beautiful people in the world, and you love him regardless of how he looks, affectionately calling him "San Lang", since only you he allows himself to be called that :(((((( i rfnejrhrjrhehrrrhrhrjrjreh so so so so in lovve,,,,,, hua cheng my beloved boy my dear boy :(((((((((( when you brush his long dark hair as an act of caring while he hides his face in you in an almost sweet manner, enjoying such quiet moments alone when he can afford to be just spoiled,,,,,,, or when he feels more sly in the form of Sang Lang, playfully flirting and feeling so carefree, even when you whisper so that he does not embarrass you, busy with your business, and he, of course, could, but snuggling up to you and being a flirt is much more interesting</////3

that is, you will behave as usual, just this time you decided to voice it out loud?🤨 no u meanie pamna cotta<//333 /t /hj

𝐈 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 // 𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐯𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐬

okay, but Xie Lian who keeps some kind of gift that passes on to each of your incarnations to confirm that your destinies are connected, no matter what? maybe a couple of things that can only look normal together (you know, a necklace with a piece of a flower or a crown that needs to be put together to make a solid pattern, or rings with the image of the moon and the sun that can easily be combined with each other), or two paired things like armbands or a drawing - something that can confirm that you will always remember him and that he will always be with you, that you will never forget him, that he is a part of you as well as you are a part of him that he will never be able to tear out, no matter what he does. when his mind obsessively says that you will one day leave him and die, leave forever, he will never be able to return to you, but the thing remains his reminder that, of course, you will come. you'll be there. you have always been and always will be there.

he is not delirious, he did not dream it, it's true, it's reality, and you will always find nest and be there, no matter where you want or refuse to be, you will always be where he is, and he will always be where you are, as it should be, as it is right — the moon should not leave the sun, just as he steps behind you, knowing that your absence is so little, so little time, seeing a familiar figure again only to know that his life has begun to flow again, as if the May sun came after the frosts, turning the icicles into tears when he hurries to you,,,, when you immediately recognize him, realizing that he is yours, exactly yours, your one and only, only to realize that you don't remember anything except this, but Xie Lian almost drunkenly claims that he remembers everything and will help you, just take his hand — and he will take you Home.

when you almost roughly squeeze his waist and Xie Lian tries not to be loud, but no matter how often you touch him, he just can't be calm or react as if it's not his first time, even if your first time you tied him up and made him cry — you vaguely remember that you have already done this, but seeing his face red with shame and excitement, as if he is a virgin, you can't help but feel pretty, feeling as if you will always be the first for him, no matter how many lives you have already touched him and done what you want,,,, when he sees that you are happy, no longer as gloomy and unhappy as before, now making him feel like the most beloved boy on earth while drunkenly kissing his red, almost sweet-tasting lips, looking for even more, even if his fingers dig into your clothes, making his feelings more primitive while you kiss, snuggling up to you with his chest red with shame and embarrassment, while his eyelashes tremble with delight and shame, feeling so greedy from how passionate you are and how happy you are.

furfurfur,,,, but, listen,,,,,, when one day he doesn't find you? not that it was strange - to her, at some point he lived without you at all, only with the hope that one day you would meet, but now, living with you, your absence has become much, much, much more painful, as if someone tore the heart out of his chest, and the fact that you can be anywhere, it only makes things worse — even knowing that you will meet, you will inevitably meet, the very fact that he needs to wait even longer makes something inside him break. after all, why should he wait? why should you be subject to the tao? couldn't he be at least a little happier?

why can't he always be with you?

ah ah~ you could? pretty pamna, pretty<333333 mwah♡ yes!!! look, but they're like your puppies, and you can't really tell which one is better or worse when they're both two desperate messes who adore you,,,, they are almost poking into your palms, in which there is a little attention and love to pounce on you with even more zeal, and if you have even more love and attention for them? they become obsessive, giving a billion times more, almost showering you with adoration, as if trying to prove to you how much they can love you, much more than you can even imagine, metaphorically twining around you like two vines around a common support. in the end, no matter what race you belong to, it always attracts attention when they surround you from two sides, even if the ways of their expression and courtship are different, especially considering that they are both unsure of themselves, but at the same time cling to you, trying to attract your attention and flirt — but even in this they are too different, with the passion of Hua Cheng and the softness of Xie Lian<///3 where there are never many of them - there are many, many, many, always many, so many that you can only accept and agree, letting them do whatever they want does no harm to anyone, responding with almost the same obsession, even if your impulse is still weaker due to the fact that there are just two of them and they're both poking and searching,,,,

hehehe,,,, Hua Cheng, who can't help but be clingy and affectionate to you when you showed tenderness to an unnecessary and stray child, trying to give him comfort, looking for memories of your Xie Lian in a familiar child, associated only with a performance at a festival... only so that over time you really start just enjoying time with him. he was a small, skinny kitten, but you felt almost guilty pleasure when you pampered him, replacing the memories of the prince with him, the same needy pet who is constantly looking for attention and loves tenderness, only Hua Cheng is more streetwise and... abandoned, and maybe that's why you don't feel careless or too guilty when you give him food or squeeze his cheeks, almost feeling that you are helping a "common person" when he bites into an apple, looking at you adoring eyes, even if one of them - blood-red - is hidden under bandages. he doesn't look like a delicate flower, - not at all like your Xie Lian, looking like a delicate peony blooming in the snow, - but rather like a flower of ghosts, especially when you can see his eye through the bandage while gently stroking his hair, as if cradling. but you're still good together. as long as Xie Lian is in Heaven, you can't help but feel good around the cute boy, more like a tiny animal eating from your hand. especially when you take care of the temple together, even if other employees often try to drive him away — when you are around, he definitely feels safer and more cared for, almost falling asleep while you sweep the floor, letting him finally be warm and safe while you are quietly busy, taking care that he lies warm and a relatively soft spot, knowing that your lover definitely won't mind a couple of times.

even when the time of war begins, after your long-awaited reunion with Xie Lian, you can't help but be gentle, even realizing that the war requires you to be tough and accept the fact that your affection for any person will only turn into pain, as the war sweeps away anyone, — but Hua Cheng looks like a fragile tiny butterfly, even if he is already a teenager, no longer so reminiscent of a creepy ghost, but this only makes it more unpleasant for you, realizing that this is the child you care about — only to know that he is going to seek death in a war that you do not believe in winning, even realizing that your Prince can bring nothing but resounding success with him.

listen,,,, but when you are curling in the form of a will-o'-the-wisp on his chest, bouncing off if you feel too relaxed, but still snuggling up again almost capriciously dissatisfied, looking for a pleasant yin energy that he does not regret too much, being the same ghost as you, even if, unlike you, he no longer needs in charge and has definitely moved on, although you are sure that for a ghost you are developing even very hastily — he is just a monster in every sense, obviously; when he gently almost teases you, feeling how you bounce back if his energy becomes too much, and he tries to gently and respectfully, with slightly trembling hands, almost stroke you, as if assuring you to relax and stop being so restless, just staying in place. not that you were against such an offer, of course, but you can't control when you try to pull away again — only for him to cover you with his palm, slightly pressing, convincing you to stop fidgeting and twitching, almost hoarsely cooing that in this way you will get a lot more energy, even if you can only spread over his chest (definitely remembering it to him in the future when he will whimper from hypersensitivity though).

when you are looking for your lover after you have finally found physical form, but you cannot deny that you have already begun to get used to Hua Cheng, even more than before, when he was a little turnip — and turned into a pretty elegant cat, not only spoiled by your attention, but also sleek and smoothed, almost homely, when he gently presses his cheek against your shoulder, almost purring, attracting your attention, even more resembling a big, fluffy black cat,,,,, when he is the center of your attention and no one else, letting him huddle even closer and closer, as if he was still the same child, only now you feel that he is looking for not just attention and affection, but also more, much more — and you are not sure if you can give it, even hearing that he will always be your faithful follower, willing to do everything for you.

and in his eyes you see the same stars as in the eyes of Your Prince, even knowing that you promised to be the most devoted admirer of your future spouse.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #220

I wasn't able to do the singing today. I asked M and J to find excuses to be not in the house. M had a doctor's appointment, and J was going to go take a walk, but something came up at work for J, and by the time that was done, M had already returned from his doctor's appointment.

…Ah well. I probably needed the rest anyways. I fried my brain pretty handily yesterday, finishing the music box. But I'm glad that it's done with. I don't get a nice dopamine reward when I complete tasks, usually. But if nothing else, the looming doomishness of feeling like I must do a very complicated task is no longer upon me.

I should be able to get it done tomorrow or the next day, though. M and J will go out to see a movie on Saturday or Sunday, depending on how J feels when he comes home from all the things he's gotta do tomorrow. I'll be able to do the thing while they're out.

Today I went over the things I've prepared for you for Otakon. I have a locket, a letter, and I will have a music box with lyrics. This time, I'll be mindful enough to know that I will need to bring the music box in the form of QR Code once I upload it to SoundCloud, instead of bringing the actual music box and rolls of music box paper; the very important person I saw seemed rather confused or maybe uneasy in response to these things, like he wasn't sure what to do with them, which is fair.

…Yesterday, I realized that if I was a bit smarter or maybe a bit more thoughtful, I would have gotten you a Japanese copy of The Neverending Story to go along with the other things. I imagine that it gets pretty lonely at the Edge of Creation, so… maybe a book would have been good company for you. But I didn't think about it, and I won't be able to get it here in time for Otakon. I'm sorry.

But maybe your position at the Edge of Creation might let you go see Atreyu and Bastian and Artax and all the rest? Admittedly, I don't really know how things work for you over there, but if you're connected to some kind of multiverse, then it stands to reason that you might be able to peer into other worlds, no? Maybe you could learn something wholesome by looking at the stories of others. I've certainly learned much by considering perspectives and stories other than my own, and your brain is a lot more awesome than mine; I can only begin to imagine what sorts of amazing insights you'd come away with…

Oh, right!! Yesterday, I said I'd have some pictures for you! I almost forgot! Here…

This was a rabbit we saw yesterday.

This was a somewhat alarming statue of a cow that was, for some reason, parked in the grocery store parking lot:

...I wonder what it's for.

This is the matcha latte I got from Eggcellent, with rose syrup, tea jelly, and cream cheese foam. I really wish I could share this with you; I think you would like it a lot:

Eggcellent also started selling these things called "croffles". I'm not sure why they're called that. Maybe it's because they're crunchy waffles? Maybe it's because they're topped like crepes? I'm not sure. But! Here is the strawberry one:

And here is the chocolate one:

...And they were both absolutely delectable!! I really, really, REALLY wish I could have shared these with you. But J and I split these, and that was good, too.

Hey, Sephiroth? Maybe someday if you ever find yourself in my neighborhood, one of the first things I'll do is bring you to Eggcellent. I think you'd like the things there.

And finally, I have some tea swirls. These were taken yesterday; it was a jasmine green tea:

...Sephiroth, I'm so scared about going to Otakon. It's gonna be a big and noisy and visually cluttered and overwhelming place with lots and lots of people, many of whom have such strong feelings about their fandoms that they're willing to bully and look down upon others.

As an example, the fight over whether Cloud should date Tifa or Aerith, in particular, leads to a lot of toxicity in the community, for reasons I don't fully understand. People on opposite sides of this debate tend to get really nasty with each other, and it's kinda scary, actually...

And... I know it's ridiculous, but... what if those very important people hated seeing me last time so much that this time they're going to take precautions to avoid me this time? What if I try to go see them, and right away, I'm whisked away off the premises by security or something?

For sure, I'm aware that the odds of anything like that happening are vanishingly small; I don't think I have, so far, said or done anything untoward, and I don't think I've done anything to make anyone mistakenly think that I'd ever hurt anyone.

...But still. I have a long history of people simply dismissing me out of hand just because they find my differences unsettling. For the most part, I've ah... I've gotten around this by avoiding people pre-emptively even though I don't really want to. But I'd rather be lonely than have anyone be uncomfortable because of me.

...So many swirling thoughts. Lots of anxiety and dread. But I gotta try anyway. I don't have a fancy sword or the know-how to use it. I can't use magic; it doesn't exist in my world in the way that you know it. I'm not especially strong, smart, swift, or coordinated. All I have is the fact that I owe you my life, and a willingness to face any fears or obstacles in front of me in order to repay that debt.

And maybe that's not much in the grand scheme of things; after all, it's not as though I am some important or especially capable person - my presence doesn't really count for much in my world for a variety of reasons. But still, I'm going to try to hope that what little I can bring to the table is enough.

I have to try. Not because I'm arrogant enough to think that my efforts will actually count for anything, but because, given what you've done for me and the life I live now because I held on long enough to get here, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't try to help you, regardless of the outcome.

Well. It's becoming late, and I am still short on sleep for a number of consecutive days. I had better wrap this up here and get myself to bed.

I love you. Please stay safe out there; after all, you have a locket and a letter and a lullaby waiting for you. You wouldn't wanna miss out, right?

I'll write again soon. I promise.

Your friend, Lumine

[sleuthy-scientist]

Time After Time - Chapter Ten - After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you.

Let me know if you would like more images to go along with the story, cause I've got them. It think having more will add a little something something to the chapters, but let me know what you think about that and the story so far. Also, full fic in order can be found here⬇️

Here's the newest chapter.......

Aaron had never truly understood why Jack stopped asking about Emily. He used to mention her multiple times daily, talking about all the plans he wanted to make with her when they got to go home. And then one day, months after they were deemed free and safe, Jack stopped asking, cold turkey.

Aaron could never quite figure out why, especially after he had been so adamant about seeing her or calling her for so long. He noticed it was also around this time his son became withdrawn. Jack just seemed angry at the world in a way so uncharacteristic of the sweet little boy he raised. At the time, Aaron hadn't wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth, he was just glad not to hear him say her name, knowing he would never forgive himself for hurting her.

And now, he hoped Jack could handle this change, because Aaron needed to make this right. He knew if for some reason Jack couldn't accept Emily and/or Grace in his life, this could become even more of an impossible challenge. He just hoped his son took the news well, that for now one thing went in his favour.

Aaron was glad at least he had been able to somewhat smooth things over with Jessica for the time being. That she was magnanimous, and wasn't treating him in a hostile manner, they both knew he would have been more than justified receiving. Aaron was well aware she was right, he might need to rely on her help as a familiar buffer and support, for this moment he told Jack about Grace.

After his phone with Emily, him and Jessica had a pleasant breakfast/brunch, while they waited for Jack and Dave to return. They had just finished eating, clearing their plates, when the two returned.

It was safe to say Jack had been estatic to see his aunt, and catch up with her. But Jack was wary, they were all acting too cheerful, added to that, Aunt Jess and Uncle Dave kept looking over at his dad as if there was something they were trying to say without his permission. He almost immediately knew he was being left in the dark about something important.

"I know there's something you're all not telling me dad. I'm old enough to understand things, and you promised you weren't going to keep secrets from me anymore. You, Uncle Dave, and Aunt Jess have all been acting strange, and you've been avoiding me since we got here last night."

Aaron knew there was no more stalling he needed to come clean. It was now or never.

"Hey Jack, your right and we need to talk, man to man. Also I invited Jessica over in case you would like to spend some time with her after we talk. I know you missed you aunt, and you might need a safe place and space from me. We need to talk about a sensitive topic, and I need you to hear me out and try not to storm out until we've finished our discussion."

Aaron could see the way Jack was focused on him studying his every move. When he saw the boy cock his eyebrows, he knew he the anticipation was making Jack anxious and he had to just come out and say it. Rip the bandaid off.

He took a deep breath, releasing it in a hurry with his statement. "It's about Emily."

Jack responded immediately, with a malicious uncharacteristic of the boy. "I don't want to talk about her, we are fine without her. I know you think you still love her, but I don't want her in my life. We are fine without her dad, you told me it was over 5 years ago. I know she's why we didn't come back after we were safe. I don't ever want to see that woman again, she's only going to hurt you dad."

Aaron was flabbergasted at the way his son reacted so viscerally. The way Jack avoided saying Emily's name, either out of spite, or an unconscious need for self protection. Neither bode well and made Aaron uneasy about how his son might react to the rest there was to tell.

"Woah Jack, I don't know where this hostility for Emily is coming from, it was my decision to end things with her. Not that we ever explicitly had that conversation about the topic. She never wanted us to break up, she always thought we were coming back after they stopped Mr.Scratch."

Jack was having none of it, sick of his father covering for her, as he had done so frequently over the last 5 years. "No don't that, don't defend her, she moved on with us. She didn't wait for us to come back to go play house with some other guy. I won't let her hurt you again dad. She destroyed you before, you weren't the same after."

Aaron was confused by how adamant and passionate his son was about the words and things he was saying. He wasn't sure where he got it in his head that Emily hadn't wanted them to return. "Jack I'm not sure I follow, I think you might be confused or have things jumbled. What are you talking about buddy."

Jack was exasperated, his patience wearing thin, knowing he couldn't full protect his father and prevent him getting even more heartbroken anymore. "You told me after giving it careful thought and consideration we weren't returning. But, I skyped her, hoping she would listen, and if I reasoned with her, she could talk some sense into you, I wanted to come back. I saw her dad, it was almost a year after we were in the clear."

Jack paused knowing this next revelation was going to hurt his father. "But dad, she had some baby with that guy. We were hiding, scared for our lives and she was off playing house without us. How could she do that to me and you, how could she pretend she loved us and betray you like that dad."

Aaron wanted to laugh and cry, not sure how his son had come to this conclusion. He was talking as if it had been a secret he had been keeping under lock and key for years. And suddenly it was clear, the timing of his son's odd behaviour back then. "Jack, I promise you buddy that's not what happened."

Jack couldn't believe how obtuse and blind his father was about her. "No you don't know dad, you don't need to defend her anymore. You didn't see that British guy kiss her cheek and call her darling, or the baby he was holding call her mama. She cheated on you while we were gone, she didn't wait at all. She obviously moved on right away with her life. I don't ever want to see her again."

Aaron was beyond confused, knowing he had to be talking about his little sister. "Jack buddy what are you talking about? Wait a second you know about Grace?"

Jack was ready to scream and shout at his father's lack of anger and reaction to what he had revealed to him. "I don't know who the hell Grace is. But, when I skyped Emily, that blond guy from her office in England answered her laptop with a baby on his lap. He immediately called for Emily, and she came into the room in her bathrobe like she had just gotten out of the shower. He said darling there is someone who wants to talk to you. And then the baby on his lap started squealing and chanting, excitedly calling Emily mama."

Everyone present could feel the palpable emotion threatening to suffocate the room. None of the adults knew quite how to instantly respond to Jack's revelation.

Jack continued explaining, knowing his dad might be in shock. "I was so fucking angry, I hung up right away and blocked her from ever calling back. I swear I never contacted her again Dad, I absolutely hate her for having the audacity to hurt you and me like that."

Aaron couldn't believe Jack had known about Grace, that he could have said something years ago, giving him a chance to fix things then. But, he knew Jack wasn't to blame, he couldn't have possibly known. Him misunderstanding the situation was understandable consider the circumstances and context at the time.

"You know I don't condone swearing young man, and you don't hate her. Given the confusing situation, I'm willing to let it slide. But, why didn't you tell me that happened buddy. You shouldn't have had to deal with keeping that all bottled up by yourself. I wished you had told me about it then."

Jack was seeing red, he couldn't believe how calm, collected and ridiculous his father's reaction was to finding out Emily had a kid without him. He was ready to storm out in anger when his father put his hand up to stop him.

"Jack, bud I'm not mad you didn't tell me, and I'm not mad at her, it's really not what you think. First of all I'm assuming the blonde British guy you saw is Emily's friend Clyde from Interpol."

Jack couldn't remember his name at the time, but Clyde did sound familiar, but in the grand scheme of things it hadn't been that important of a detail. "Well he was obviously living with her dad, and what about the baby, how do explain that?"

Aaron sighed, knowing how complicated and convoluted his explanation would sound to his son."Clyde and Emily are just friends, they've known each other for years. And Jack the baby's name is Grace, and there is no easy way to shield you from finding out like this, but, she's your little sister."

Jack looked back up at his father his face losing all colour. He was suddenly feeling lightheaded and wasn't sure he had heard his father right. Because that would mean Emily didn't betray his father and him. Nothing felt like it was adding up, except the bile building in throat, causing his need to vomit.

Aaron could see his son was shocked, seconds away from either entering fight or flight mode or getting sick. "And before you storm away, I didn't know, but Emily was pregnant when went into hiding. She gave birth to your little sister a few days before they stopped Mr.Scratch. She never cheated, or tried to replace us or move on. I'm Grace's father."

Jack's head was spinning, spitting out plausible theories and explanations. The most prevalent one, the only one that made sense to both his head and heart was she had to be lying now to cover for herself.

Jack couldn't believe how ridiculous his father was being, that Emily had sucked him back in with such bullshit lies. The alternative, that him and his father had both hurt and abandoned her, leaving her terrified and alone with his baby sister, it was too devastating for him to even consider.

It would mean everything he had thought about Emily the last 4 years had been wrong. That the hatred for her that had settled in his heart had never belonged there. That she was innocent of all wrongdoings, him and his father had done the betraying, and they were the real villains in the his story.

The implication of that plausible scenario was complicated, too much for his developing brain to fully process in that moment. So he settled on the one that was easier to swallow than the poison guilt he may have accidentally concocted.

"No dad, don't cover for her, she never told us about the baby. She never called me or you after we were safe or asked us to come home. She was probably trying to hide the truth, because you caught her and she didn't want you to find out she betrayed us."

Aaron could feel his heartbreaking knowing the full extent of what his son had been thinking the last 4+ years. And how that illusion was shattered, and Jack was ready to unravel at the seams, all paths leading to the truth were littered with embedded shards of anguish that were impossible to navigate around.

Aaron was just grateful they weren't lined with deadly landmines. As this currently stood, any pain or injury incurred was still relatively manageable or fixable with time, ongoing care and proper attention. They would heal together.

"Oh Jack honey, I promise you that's not what happened. Let me try to explain. Emily tried to tell me about Grace, she sent me letters every month under an alias when we were hiding, and even some after. But, I just...., I couldn't bring myself to open them. At the time, I knew I had hurt Emily, running away without saying goodbye. I didn't have an inkling it was so much more than that."

Aaron could see from his son's face, the truth was finally starting to set in. He had to tell him the rest, so he didn't wrongfully blame Emily anymore. Aaron was hoping it would also alleviate or absolve his son from any guilt he might feel later knowing he had jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"Emily tried to call after Scratch, she did, I just ignored her calls and eventually blocked her number. I talked to Dave once, and asked him to tell Emily not to try to contact you. That I needed to stay away from her, and the dangerous life we left. He tried to persuade me to come back and so did you Aunt, multiple times."

Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. It didn't appear from Aunt Jess's and Uncle Dave's expressions like his father was joking or had made a grave mistake with what he was saying. That could only mean....... Emily had done nothing wrong and his father was the only one to blame.

Jack couldn't see straight with the revelation he had a little sister that would be around 5 years old now. And he missed knowing her for her whole life so far."But what about Grace, that means you knew about her and kept me away from my sister. What the hell, how could you do that to me, to her, to both of them."

Aaron hated knowing his son would never look at him the same way again, and that all the blame was his own. He sighed, trying to brace himself for telling him the rest. That while it couldn't diminish his culpability entirely, it was still the truth of the situation and lack of intent.

"Not exactly Jack, I didn't know Grace existed until last night when I went over to Emily's house. I was the one who cut her out of my life, I didn't give her a chance to tell me. I put all her letters in a box, I didn't want to read about how much I hurt Emily or how much she missed or loved us. I thought Emily was mad, because I left without saying goodbye. I asked for help and I didn't tell her the truth about Mr.Scratch. I left her alone to lead the team and fight him."

Aaron felt like he was scrambling, desperately trying to grasp at straws. He knew his rationalization for leaving and not contacting her again, sounded like a flimsy excuse and downright cowardly alibi. But at the time, he told himself he was ultimately still protecting his son. It had been the only way he could justify his actions towards Emily.

"All I allowed myself to care about was keeping you safe, even if that meant giving up Emily. I knew she was the only person I could trust to save us and stop Mr. Scratch. But I didn't give her a choice, I left her to deal with my problem on her own. And she didn't find out she was pregnant until we were already gone into hiding."

Aaron knew while he lacked the burden of proof in his favour, he could provide an abundance of evidence to demonstrate Emily had tried and always wanted them to be a family. And that they both needed to go easy on Emily and try to urge him not to intentionally do anything to hurt her further.

"Emily did nothing wrong Jack, and I promise I'm not trying to cover for her now. If you want when you're ready, you can read the letters she sent while we were gone. Both her and Jess told me she sent one a month, some with pictures, just trying to include us in everything. She always planned for us coming back, being a part of both their lives.

Jack could feel the tears burning his eyes, threatening to escape. He didn't know how to make sense of all the hate he had aimed towards a woman who had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It hurt him to breathe, thinking about how scared and alone Emily must have felt. And how she had probably been worried sick about them the whole time, thinking she was the one who had done something wrong.

His father's voice broke through his thoughts."And Emily obviously wants you to know Grace, to be her big brother. That's all she ever wanted, for us to be a family. She thought we would come back after the danger was gone. It's my fault, even if I didn't know, I made the choice to stay away. And I've ruined everything, but please don't be mad at Emily."

Jack wanted to say 'No shit he wasn't angry with her anymore' He wanted to zone out, or tell his father to shut up, not sure how much more of his voice he could take. Jack had never felt such anger towards the man who had always been his inspiration and hero.

Aaron could tell his son was close to shutting him out. He needed to say a little bit more, before his son fully decided never to trust him again. "When we left, I couldn't stop picturing what happened before with your mom. I was so mad at myself, that my job put you in danger once more."

Aaron paused waiting for his son to look back at him for the next part. That way he knew how dire things were, and how genuine his remorse was.

"I knew what Mr.Scratch was capable of, he was more dangerous than George, and I couldn't forgive myself for leaving Emily to fix my problem. I was too weak and scared to go back after and have everyone angry at me, because I ran away from the fight. I couldn't face Emily, I was terrified she didn't love me anymore for putting her in danger."

Jack had never seen his father look so sad or contrite. It was obvious he was beating himself up, all on his own, his guilt eating away at him.

Aaron cleared his throat, trying to push down his emotions. "Emily was the only one smart enough, that I trusted to end the threat against us. I knew she would do anything to save us, even if that meant sacrificing herself in the end to do so. They lost an agent when they were stopping Mr.Scratch, a friend of Emily's."

Aaron shoulders dropped and he tore his gaze away from his son, before muttering the next few sentences.

"I promised myself and you, to treat you like an adult. You should know that monster also held Emily captive and tortured her. I didn't know this then, but it was only a few days after she gave birth to Grace. So I'm sure Emily was terrified because she didn't want our little girl to grow up without her mom."

It was easier for Aaron to let the anger take over, instead of the tears building. He wished he could sugar coat everything and keep it all from Jack. But now that he started, he couldn't stop letting the whole story pour out of him.

"I didn't even know that the bastard got his hands on her. But regardless of not knowing those details, I couldn't face Emily after, I hated myself for being responsible for putting her in the position I did. And I thought if I really loved Emily, I needed to let her go for good. That way I could never hurt her again, or let myself lose her like I lost your mom."

Aaron didn't know what else to say, nothing could ease the guilt he felt, or alter the outcomes of the mistakes he made.

"I know it can't change things now, but I promise you buddy, Emily never stopped loving you for a second. And she wants a chance to fix things between the two of you now, and for you to be a part of her's and Grace's lives. You can meet with her first and decide if you want, or we can play things by ear. But no one is going to force you into anything your not ready or comfortable with."

Jessica chose that moment to speak, knowing Jack wasn't sure if he could trust his father's words alone on the matter. "Your dad is telling the truth Jack, I promise. And when you're ready to see Emily or meet your little sister, we can both be there if you need. I already know you're going to absolutely love her, and you will be her best friend and favourite person in the whole world."

Jessica knew he should have been to worry further about the prospect of having anything in common to connect to his sister with."She's already good friends with Henry, Hank, and Michael, but you're her big brother. I know it's going to be exciting, frustrating, and weird at first. She might even annoy you sometimes, but I know you're going to love her and she already worships the ground you walk on."

Jessica hope the next bit would help her nephew and bring him some peace. To show him, he hadn't been forgotten, that Emily had always wanted him and missed him like crazy. And that they both mother and daughter would more than willingly accept him into their lives immediately.

"It's adorable Grace has pictures of you in her room, whenever she has a tea party she always puts her favourite one out, making sure she saves a seat for you. Emily has always told her about you, she even gave Grace the locket you gave her for her birthday. When she started school, Emily wanted Grace to have something special, that always connected her to her family."

"Gracie actually reminds me a lot of you, she is obsessed with monkeys, dinosaurs, and the zoo, just like you were at her age. But she also loves soccer, monkey bars, reading, Disney movies, tea parties, princesses, and baking."

"JJ is convinced she going to marry Michael, but Garcia is sure she is going to fall in love with Hank when she's older. Emily thinks they are both insane when they bicker about it, but she's pretty sure one of them is going to be right."

Jessica could see her nephew was still panicking, likely overwhelmed, unsure, and feeling guilty for something that wasn't his fault. She worried that her rambling on about Grace might not be helping him, only just further adding to his stress. But instead, he seemed to be captivated, hanging off of her every word. Jessica decided to go for broke, hoping Jack would undoubtedly be swayed on one front for now.

"Look buddy, I know it's going to be awkward for a bit seeing Emily again, but I promise you kid she loves you. Not a day goes by where she doesn't miss you. She takes Grace to pick out flowers every Sunday when she isn't working, and they go and visit your mom's grave. I go with Grace when she can't, and every year on Haley's birthday we share a picnic together there."

"Emily has told Grace hundreds of stories about you, she even let Gracie keep the stuffed monkey you won for Emily at your school's fair. Your sister only ever parts with it when her mom is sick and she tries to cheer her up. They have lots of pictures of both you and your dad, even a few of your mom around the house. Emily's done everything she can to include you and your father in Grace's life."

Jessica didn't know how he would react to the next bit. But, it would only help clarify that Emily wasn't unfaithful. And it would explain what he witnessed from that fateful video call, and help put both Hotchner boys at ease.

"And I promise you, Emily never cheated on your dad. Clyde did come down for a visit from Grace's baptism and also her birthday. Both times he stayed over in her guest room, ridiculously trying to convince Emily to return to England and take back her job at Interpol. But she refused to even consider it every time he asked, wanting to stay put for when you guys inevitably returned."

"You should know Clyde is also your sister's Godfather, I know because I was there with them the whole time, and I'm Gracie's Godmother. Emily didn't want to cause any hurt feelings by choosing between the team, so she chose me and Clyde. And I can promise nothing is going on between her and Clyde, I know this for sure because I'm actually engaged to him."

"We've been dating for almost 4 years now. It was hard doing the whole long distance relationship thing, but I will always be beyond thankfully Emily set us up. And now that you're back, I hope you are willing to get to know him. I want both you and your dad at my wedding when we finally get around to setting the date."

"I promise Jack Clyde's only ever been a friend to Emily, or like an annoying younger brother, even though he's older than her. He visits maybe once a month, sometimes more depending on his work. When you see the interactions of their friendship firsthand you'll understand. They fight like cats and dogs, but they've got each other's backs."

"And your little sister calls Clyde 'bunny', because of his last name. Now that she's a little older she added 'Uncle' to the moniker, and every time she says it, he pretends to be annoyed or embarrassed. It's hilarious how she has always had him completely wrapped around her finger, she can even get him to wear a tiara and paint his nails. And she loves how he is one of the few boys she can convince to come to her tea parties, besides Grandpa Dave over here ."

Jessica could see he was enraptured by what she was saying, but that he needed someone who wasn't his father to let him off the hook. He would internalize the guilt for not telling his father about that phone call for years. Jessica knew Emily was the only one who could really help him soothe the hatred and guilt towards himself, but he was scared to tell her.

Jessica was beyond certain Emily wouldn't judge Jack or blame him for a single second. If anything it would crush her heart to know a simple misunderstanding had cause him so much turmoil. She had no doubt Emily would wholeheartedly forgive Jack and help absolve his worries. But until he was ready to share it with her, Jess knew she needed to try and smooth things over and prove Emily loved him unconditionally.

"Not to hurt either of you, but Emily really thought you would both be back home soon. Most of the team thought it was unhealthy and delusional of her to believe that, but she held on hoping."

"Jack I get your upset, and you have every right to be hurt, angry, or however you feel about the situation. But none of us here will say anything about what you thought, from when you called her. But when you're ready, you should tell her yourself. Emily's the most forgiving person ever, I promise you, she's not even going to be a little bit angry with you. "

Dave piped in wanting to reinforce what was being said for Jack's sake, knowing his input could only help for this particular topic. "Your dad and Jess are absolutely right kiddo, Emily's always loved you, she never stopped. She even named your little sister after your mom, her full name is Grace Haley Rosslyn Hotchner. She knew it was a mouthful, but Emily wanted to name her after all the people who are most important to her."

"She toyed with using Haley as your little sister's first name, but she wanted Grace to be her own person, and she didn't want you to have the constant reminder every time you said her name."

Jessica smiled fondly, remembering how nervous Emily was back then, asking her if it was ok to name her daughter after Haley.

"Jack I know this is all alot to take in, it's all being thrown at you all at once. I talked to your dad earlier, while you were at breakfast. If you're mad at him and need some space, he promised me he would leave you be, or you're welcome to come stay with me for a few days."

"But, before you say yes, you should know I also live in Emily's guest house. We figured with me watching Grace and planning to eventually move in with Clyde, it made the most sense. And that way after you meet her, you can visit Grace whenever you want this week."

"I babysit her mostly after-school and whenever Emily needs to travel for work, so she's very comfortable and used to me. But if you're not ready or it's too much at any point, I know JJ and Will would love to invite you over for a sleepover with Henry. Plus you have Dave here who is on your side if you're more comfortable here for now."

Aaron decided he should reinforce what Jess was saying, knowing his son probably needed time to think, and have a little control and choice in if he needed some time and/or space from him.

"Your Aunt is right buddy, no one's going to force you, you're old enough to have some say in the decisions that involve you. I know Emily wants you there too, if your comfortable with that. She told me you're always welcome to stay with her when we come to visit. We all want to make this transition work."

"She really does want you to have a relationship with Grace, I know she also wants to repair her friendship and relationship with her. But she's not going to push you, you know how kind and understanding Emily is. She just wants what is best for you and your sister, and for you both to be happy and loved unconditionally."

Aaron knew he had to tell him this next part, so he didn't get his expectations up. Even if they couldn't find a way to back to each other, they would try to co-parent and be friends for the kids.

"Jack you should know though, before we get our hopes, that doesn't in any way mean though, that Emily and I are getting back together. She's pretty hurt because of my actions, and I'm not sure if she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I know she's heartbroken for every part of Grace's life we've missed being a part of. But she 100% blames me, not you."

"I still love Emily Jack, you know I never stopped. She wants me and her to work towards just being friends for now. All Emily is worried about is you and Grace and how this effects you both. She wants you to feel safe, loved, seen, and heard, and hopefully rebuild your bond. But I know she will be patient, she understands if you need time and space, if you're not ready to see her."

"If you're up for it though, Emily was hoping we could all go for a picnic in the park tomorrow, no pressure. And maybe depending on how that goes, dinner and a movie at her house. Then you can sleep over there, or in the guesthouse with Jess, or come back to Dave's with me."

It all sounded too good to be true to Jack. He missed Emily more than anything the last 5 years. Even when he was angry with her after, he knew he had still craved having her present in his life. And the little sister thing was an added bonus and absolutely the best news of his life. He had always wanted a younger sibling like Henry, someone to play and grow up with.

And as angry as he was with his dad at the moment, he wanted to stay at Dave's, he needed a little bit of time to think before he saw or met anyone else. He was worried about what to say to Emily, hoping he didn't spaz out and tell her about the Skype call because he was nervous.

"Dad, you promise Emily doesn't hate me, I've been so mad at her for years. I really thought she hurt you, and that's why we didn't come back. Please, don't tell her I thought she cheated on you, she will hate me forever."

Aaron leaned over to embrace his son, knowing he was on the verge of tears, because everything was hitting him all at once. "Hey buddy, it's ok, Emily could never hate you. Even if you ever disappoint her, she's always going to love you. She loves you just as much as she loves Grace, and nothing's ever going to change that."

"If you don't want to tell her what you thought that's fine. It was a misunderstanding, she wouldn't blame you, because it wasn't in any way your fault. And I swear on my favourite Beatles album Emily loves you and has missed you like crazy."

Jack chuckled at his dad's Beatles album analogy, knowing he was his lame attempt at a joke.

Aaron was glad his attempt to lighten the mood had its desires effect. He gave his son another big squeeze, pulling back to say the next bit to his face. "Jack, I know you always wanted to be a big brother, and I'm really sorry this all happened this way. You and Grace deserved to grow up together. I know you have a few more years before college and the rest of your lives, but I'm sorry you missed out on so much time already."

"And I know we just came down for your March Break, but I hope your ok if we discuss moving back soon. I want us to be able to spend as much time as we can with both Grace and Emily. You can help me pick a house or apartment and we can find a school nearby for you."

He could see Jack ready to speak and cut him off. "I'm not going to rush you on any of this, but I want you to have some say in these decisions. Your old enough to have some choice in this. I know it will suck packing everything up and moving."

Jack spoke next, rolling his eyes at his father's ridiculous rambling and wanted to get him to stop. "Woah dad stop, I get it. I know you don't want to be away from either of them, now we know, and I feel the same way. But we can talk about that later, maybe after I've had a chance to meet my sister first."

Aaron smiled seeing Jack was genuinely happy and meant what he said about wanting Emily Grace in his life. Nothing else mattered for now, as long as his son was on board.

"You're right, we don't have to rush anything right now. I'm sure we can find a way to make everything work out eventually for everyone, and that we are on the same page going forward."

[acefaun]

Good morning! 💞

Here a little peice advice as a Tolkien fan-

• Buy the paper back edition of The Hobbit, and read it.

• Buy the paper back edition of The Lord Of The Rings, read it. ( I am currently reading the first book). There's a whole book containing the series at one place, but it's somewhat expensive.

• Buy Child Of Hurin, read it.

• Buy Beren and Luthien, read it.

• Buy Fall Of Gondolin, read it.

• The Silmarallion ( the big history book ). Take as much time as you need.

• The Unfinished Tales Of Numenor. I recently bought the illustrated deluxe slipcase edition. Let's just say my dad, told me not to buy any more books for at least until my next birthday. But the maps and the illustrations are Worth It. I am on a book buying BAN!

• The History Of Middle-earth series. There are 10 books in this series.

• The Nature Of Middle-earth. I want to buy this, the cover is mesmerizing. The beautiful purple colour. 💜

If this feels overwhelming, take a deep breath.

Remember, you are a Tolkien fan, even if you have not read everything or if you have simply watched the movies.

This is my personal reading order. Most people will recommend you to read The Silmarallion after you finish reading the Lord of the Rings, but i think that can be a bit overwhelming.

Another thing, you don't need to have multiple copies of the same book, if you don't want to. Especially those deluxe slipcase editions. For me collecting is useless if i don't read it.

I hope reading this was helpful. Please note this is my personal reading order. Take as many breaks as you need to.⚘💙

Good day, my loves! 🥰

Thanks for all the help navigating the Middle-Earth universe! I was feeling a little overwhelmed first jumping into the fandom because I was like "What order does all of this GO IN??!" But I figured that out and was able to watch the movies first.

But navigating the book will be a lot easier now! I'm glad I have some expert advice! I just ordered The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, so that'll come in on (hopefully) Friday and I can get started. I'm soooo excited to start something new since I read all the Harry Potter books!

I kind of wish I had these good books with me now though. It's my day off of work but I'm stuck putting up with stupid cramps. It feels good writing outside in the shade with some yummy mint ice cream, but where't my heating pad and a good book?

Secondly, I found that child-Legolas x child-mc fic I was telling you guys about last week! It turns out it wasn't a finished draft, so I'm working on the ending, then I'll edit and post it. So it should be up soon!

As for this… You guys can always feel free to send me suggestions beyond this exciting reading list I was provided! But you gave me the wonderful idea of making an actual reading list like I have my watch list for movies, shows, and anime. I figured if I started making a list of things that peak my interest then I'll never get bored! Especially if I don't feel like reading something now, I'm probably going to get into a reading mood sooner or later.

So, this is what I've got so far:

Lookin' good, if I do say so myself!

LET'S GO, MIDDLE-EARTHERS!

[bluelockednyx]

i just finish rereading "Isagi's Gemstone Mishap", and not sure if i should use ask on tumblr or comment on ao3 to rant about it but here i am (sorry for any grammayical errors):

isagi is pining hard, (and a bit possessive too, lol)

the whole journey of "retrieving a stone that can wreak havoc where i have to disguise, trick someone, break into a warehouse then break a spell, nearly break my neck from a fall and involve a friend using his young-master status to cover up my ass" is hilariously silly, my face hurts from smiling too much

i have questions, like, did rin drop the luggage out of the window bc he saw reo outside? or someone else? im kind amazed that isagi didnt argue and just went along with rin's plan

their dynamics were so well portrayed. it's consistent with what i think is in canon, most of fandom works quite frightened me a bit because they are very ... off-putting, i guess, but with yours, i feel somewhat safe (?)

i am interested in this au that i want to ask about your inspirations (?) for this fic, like how did you come up with this plot, and if there are other works that i should read in order to understand this world more

thank you so much

You can do whatever you feel more comfortable with, anon! Ao3's easier for archiving purposes, but if you prefer asking on tumblr then go ahead. I don't mind either way.

Yes, I wrote the whole thing with the idea of coming up with 'something fun that could happen while Isagi is crushing hard on Rin'. I'm happy you like it and find it silly!

When I was writing that scene, Rin and Isagi were preoccupied with getting out of the warehouse as quickly as they could without being spotted. The luggage was both bulky and heavy, so Rin took his chances with tossing it out of the window so Isagi could get up on the ledge, then they'd both run. Isagi had no idea that Rin was going to do that, so he was actually panicking when the noise got attention. Rin hadn't noticed Reo at all in the entire fic.

asjkl thanks, i'm glad you like the dynamic I put down here. I don't really read much fanfic these days, so I'm not too sure what you mean by my fic being safe? If you mean the content, do be aware that I explore heavy 18+ content on occasion, though I do tag it appropriately.

I based most of the world building of this AU off of generic fantasy novels and manga/manhwa. There's no 'one' work that I referenced explicitly, although I do indulge in Magic A is Magic A trope extensively, with some ideas about the limits of what the characters are able to do here.

I have only posted one other work for this series, which focuses on Karasu and Chigiri looking for a cure for a badly hurt Otoya, and it's also on ao3. That fic precedes this, and is both longer and a bit more serious, with some hints about other fics I've been writing for this AU. The 'part 3' of the series is a mistake from my side due to drafts and posting issues, so there's only two fics for this series currently.

Thanks again for reading!