#... but then I drew at least 50% of it in a two and a half hour timeframe yesterday

[stardestroyer81]

✨🍕Happy first anniversary to Pizza Tower!!!🍕✨

More specifically, the full release of Pizza Tower! This wonderful game has been a large part of my life in this past year, such as being the sole reason why rats are one of my favorite animals now alongside influencing my artstyle to be a smidge toonier!

I just had to draw a little something for it, and it's definitely one of the most detail-intensive Pizza Tower drawings I've made yet! 💙✨

[hynjinsworld]

Volleyball

pairing: idol!hyunjin x pro volleyball!reader

warning: none

wc: 1,156

genre: fluff

summary: Just a day off for the two couple. Playing volleyball and spending the time catching up with another before schedules were set out for the next day.

As volleyball season kicked into high gear, the busy schedules meant less sleep and limited time with significant others. Despite the hectic pace, a beautiful day emerged, offering a rare chance for the volleyball gym to call for a day off, allowing the players to relax their muscles after an intense match the previous day. Y/n, a well-known figure in the sport, was also recognized for dating a K-pop artist from JYP Entertainment, specifically a member of Stray Kids—Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, a multi-talented individual, was celebrated for his artistic skills, dancing, and impressive vocals, captivating fans worldwide. However, the relationship drew mixed reactions, with 50% of fans supporting the couple and the other half not. Regardless of the divided opinions, Y/n remained focused on her own happiness, deeply in love with the artist.

On their day off, Y/n decided to spend some quality time with Hyunjin. They met at a quiet café, away from the prying eyes of the public. The two of them cherished these moments, where they could just be themselves without the pressure of their respective careers. Hyunjin, always the considerate partner, listened intently as Y/n shared stories from her recent matches, offering words of encouragement and support. "The girl was tall... we were having major issues dealing with our spikes being shut down so I help create a way to loosen up the gap a bit." She sighs, "but hey at least we won!" She smiled as he looked at her smiling face. "Oh sorry I'm rambling a bit to much." Y/n chuckles. "It's fine, I don't mind it. I love your rambling." He smiles. "What have you been up to??" She questioned. "Lately, I've been watching anime. I just finished Haikyuu, it's an amazing anime. Nothing but volleyball and it makes me honestly feel a lot closer to you and the sport." Hyunjin rambles on. "Oh really, must be exciting... maybe I should watch it too." She replies. The two sat up from their spot as they paid leaving the café. "Let's go to the gym today, sounds good?" Y/n wonders, "sure, we can." Hyunjin smiles.

After finishing their drinks and enjoying the cozy atmosphere of the café, Y/n and Hyunjin decided to head to the volleyball gym. They left the café, hand in hand, and driving through the bustling streets, chatting and laughing along the way. As they reach upon the gym, they settled into, Y/n walked towards the net as she begans to fix the strings around. "Hyun can you grab my shirt in my backpack?" She pointed to the duffle bag filled with volleyball gears as she tightens up the volleyball net. He nods as he searches through the bag and finds her shirt. "Here you go my love." He hands out as she reaches for it. "Thank you love." She smiles, leaning up to give him a peck on the lips before taking off her sweater. Hyunjin watched as he changed into some gym clothes. As the two began their changing, hyunjin decided to be silly and tackled Y/n to the ground and pepper kiss her face as she laughed in surprise. "Love stopppp." She laughed as she gripped on to his shoulder while trying to push him off. "Nopeee." He shook his head side to side before once again attacking her face with millions of more kisses following after. Hyunjin reached her lips giving her a few kisses before a long one. With her hands not settling on his shoulder no longer was there, it was arms who happened to be wrapped around his nape. Y/n given back the long kiss as their lips intertwined with another. Sloppy but yet smooth enough to where hyunjin kissed down to her jawline biting it as she yelps. "Hey, that hurt." She winced in pain, "my bad." He replied with a devilish look on his face. "Yea yeah." She rolls her eyes playfully as he gave her another kiss as an apology.

After sharing a tender kiss, Y/n and Hyunjin decided to hit the volleyball court together. The gym lights cast a warm glow on the polished floor, setting the stage for their impromptu match. Hyunjin, with a playful grin, tossed the ball to Y/n, who caught it effortlessly, her competitive spirit igniting. They started with a few warm-up volleys, their movements synchronized like a well-rehearsed dance. Hyunjin's athleticism and Y/n's agility made for an exhilarating game. Each serve, spike, and dive was met with cheers and laughter, turning the gym into their personal playground. As the game intensified, so did their connection. Hyunjin's eyes sparkled with admiration every time Y/n made a perfect play, and Y/n couldn't help but be impressed by Hyunjin's skill and determination. The court echoed with the sound of their sneakers and the rhythmic thud of the ball, creating a symphony of excitement. In a particularly thrilling rally, Y/n executed a flawless spike, sending the ball hurtling past Hyunjin. He dove to save it but missed by a hair, landing with a laugh. Breathless and exhilarated, they paused, catching their breath and sharing a look that spoke volumes. "Your not half bad for a man like you." Y/n winks in a playful way.

"Whatever." He rolls his eyes before the two began their laughter once again. "My swimmer and soccer player seems to be good at volleyball." Y/n compliments, "maybe haikyuu taught me a lot." He shrugged. "Oh really??" She raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you should swing by with the members and play against us?" She said devilishly. "That depends. Becauseeeeeee." He dragged. "Because?" She cocked her head to the side giving him a confusional expressions. "That's only if Chan hyung is willing too. Besides tour as well." He sighs. "Oh... right." She mumbles. "Heyyyy... why so sad looking my love?" He walks over, "I'm going to be lonely here playing volleyball all to myself." Y/n looks up, "don't worry... okay... I promise I'll call you everyday, meaning every min, every sec, and every hour." He chuckles giving her reassurance that he's not leaving her behind. "Allrightyyyy!" She smiles. "Let's start cleaning up then head home." After an intense game and lots of laughter, Hyunjin and Y/n began cleaning up the volleyball gym. They moved in sync, picking up stray balls and tidying the equipment, their conversation flowing effortlessly. The gym, now quiet and empty, felt like their own little world.

With everything put away, they switched off the lights and stepped outside, the cool night air greeting them. Hand in hand, they walked towards Hyunjin's car, the stars twinkling above them. Their hearts were full from the day's adventures, but there was a sense of anticipation in the air, as if this was just the beginning. As they reached her house, pulling into the drive way, Hyunjin got out opening the passenger side as she given her thanks for the gentleman. As they reached upon Y/n's doorstep, they shared a lingering look, both knowing that today was special but tomorrow held schedules to be due. "I love you. I'll see you on tonight's call." Hyunjin kissed her lips. "I love you too." She smiled before walking into the home alone.

[rezcowgirl]

Make your friends draw things. For example: make them draw their favourite bird after 3 drinks. 

And then treasure them forever.

Corvid bloc power. I love that me and Jess basically drew the same thing, except her’s is a raven and mine is a crow with a peanut butter packet that I saw once (the…the one on the top left is supposed to be a crow, too. It was drawn by a 44 year old).

Alex also wrote: "ALEX. Dakota has friends" because I was saying that I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't believe I have friends...He's so thoughtful.

The only dress code was “wear your favourite socks”.  And the only request was "get sloshed on my schnapps" because we somehow ended up with THREE bottles of peppermint schnapps and I HATE that shit. But someone brought Poli Miele and made a 50/50 ratio shot with the schnapps and it weirdly worked?

About half of my friends don't drink, so I also offered two really nice proxies. I'm a wonderful host btw. Even if I fall ass first onto your face (you are welcome).

I slept for fifteen hours afterward, but I’d say the party was restorative. To my soul. Probably not to my body, but I can worry about that later. Falling into the laps of my friends trying to get around the kotatsu without upending everything, I was gifted one of those fleeting, shiny moments where I thought “I’m exactly where I need to be”. Those little affirmations mean a lot, because, um. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m not feeling that so strongly in my professional life. My SOCIAL life, though? Yay. 

Yay, when I actually get to see my friends and be social at least. I realize a big part of the grief of the last month has been compounded because I hadn’t seen anyone in weeks. I did go see Wicked with some friends the other week, but we all had to part right after.

Anyway, for the second time, the same person asked for my Tumblr. I really like her, but absolutely NO. So I said “OKAY! TELL ME YOUR SCREEN NAME!” and she was like “YAAAY” and she pulled out her phone, and I continued  “SO I CAN BLOCK YOU”. 

She was pissed. Pulled her phone to her chest, aghast at my rudeness. HAHAHAHA. YOU THOUGHT.

I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my venting space. It means a lot to me to have this place to sink all my anxieties into and to have impartial feedback when I most need it. (I stopped regular therapy last year lol. Lmao, even.)

This party was smaller than others, because there are some cracks though the group now. It’s only natural over a decade. This isn’t complaining (which I can and will continue to do). This is more of a reflection on friendship and navigating the murky, sludge waters of IRL community organizing.

These days, the majority of my local friends are people I gravitated toward in the local queer kink scene. My connections are through years of finding my feet as an awkward introvert that draws in other awkward introverts. I’m really good at pretending to be an awkward extrovert now. It came up at an event recently - a new person said “You don’t seem like an introvert” and I responded “YES I KNOW. I AM TRYING SO HARD HERE. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.” I never intended to be on the newbie welcoming committee, but after a decade I suppose this is also natural. My friend will blatantly bring shy new femme people over to me like “This is K", and the “you are welcome to hide behind her” is implied. And welcomed. Because I get it.

At this point, I’ve seen many of my friends through various life changes, as they’ve seen me through mine. Relationships change and end, some tensions rise and fall. Although most relationships have ended amicably, there was one recent breakup that was rough. I love both of them dearly, but they don’t want to be in the same room, which is: none of my business, and I respect that. But it DOES mean I have to cycle through invites. It’s a balancing act now. One person I love a lot was not invited. And that sucks. And I’m always torn between sending a message along the lines of: I hope there’s no hard feelings, but it’s _____’s turn”, or not saying anything at all. This time, I didn’t say anything at all (Was that right???).

I also vented about this briefly in the past, but earlier this year, I found out a person very close to me violated the consent of some people at a private event (that I was invited to, but I didn’t attend). Afterward, he didn’t tell me, and I only found out second hand months later. I was told the whole story in a public pool, and I was obviously livid, spiraling, and ended up calling my best friend while I was still dripping wet and she was out with her parents. I felt completely inconsolable, but she talked me down (I love her so much). 

I “invited” him to speak about it with me the next day. I admit it wasn’t so much an optional invite as much as it was “prove to me you are invested in this relationship and this community as I am”. Yes, it was to try and get some resolution, but the “invite” was extended with the huge caveat that I was very mad at him for not telling me and that our friendship was on thin ice. 

I don’t want to foster the kind of community that makes you feel you need to confess each of your fuck ups and self-flagellate, but with something like this, it did not fall under a regular caliber fuck-up. On top of hurting the people who were the victims, it came back to hurt me and Aries. Since I help organize events/vet people, she told me that some people were assuming that I was sweeping it under the rug/”taking his side”, keeping it quiet. I wasn’t. I didn’t KNOW about it.

It was shitty of him and he was 100% in the wrong, but given that in the months post-incident, he and the people directly involved came to a resolution, I was willing to forgive him. With the major warning that if something like this happened again, we would not be friends anymore. It was awkward. It was painful. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. He’s pulled back from the community substantially because of it, and I am actually sad about that. I don’t need to hash out the fine details, but he’s not a bad person. But he made an inarguably bad decision.

Yes, I want a community where you are ALLOWED to fuck up, but a big part of post fuck-up needs to be accountability. He’s a conventionally attractive white cis dude. He was 100% gliding by via his privilege. No one said anything for months because he was someone generally considered untouchable, and to an extent, that feeling was also extended to me. No one confronted ME because they assumed I was fine with it, and that because I hold some authority (mostly arbitrary - but I DO), that I was also considered untouchable/unapproachable. I am so grateful to the person who did eventually tell me, she said she felt like she was hashing out drama and I made it very clear this IS NOT 'drama', but a very serious incident. I am sad it took so long for someone to talk to me. It was a failure at the foundations of our organizing. I told him all this, and I think it made it hurt a lot more than if I just gave him space to explain and apologize given that it was “resolved” with the people directly involved. But it was the truth. I know he respects me as someone who will tell the truth, and that designation would mean nothing if I didn’t in this instance.

I think a part of the reason the events we (‘we’ is much more than the two of us here FYI) coordinate together are generally respected is because they are highly vetted. Vetted to the point that some people in the wider community complain about it. You have to meet at least one of the organizers in person before you are given a location, which is what the most common complaint is about. And sure, it might seem over the top, but it stems from the history when another major organizer in the past was exposed for allowing MINORS at his parties on top of generally being an abusive POS. A lot of trans people felt unsafe/unwelcome, and someone was doxxed to their work. We TRY, which is the key word here. We fail, too.

I am really proud of the little hovel of freaks we have. I think we do a good job for the most part. But since my friend has stepped back, I’ve also grappled with wanting to do the same. I am not upset with anyone who is suspect of me because of his actions. I can totally understand the perception that I was ignoring the issue. The people closest to the incident now understand that I wasn’t aware until months afterward, and that I confronted him about it the day after I found out.

I don’t know if me and this person will ever be close again. And I’m sad. His wife is genuinely one of my favourite people, but I didn’t invite her to my party. Two of the people I invited don’t want to be around him, and it feels really awkward to be like “you can come, but leave your husband at home”. 

My parties are NOT kink parties, although people are welcome to wear whatever they want/or not want, as long as there is no bare ass on our couches. Someone might end up hogtied in a corner somewhere, but like, in a funsies practice way, not in a scene way.

I don’t feel guilty, but I feel reflective. Of course I can't make everyone happy. I don’t like asking people to “keep this one quiet” because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of people not invited, but even if they did find out, we’re all adults, all in our 30s+, and we can deal with it. I sometimes worry that this might devolve into some high school-esque clique drama, but then when I really think about it, these are all people that are my friends because I trust them. I think they know me better than that.

Anyway, someone did bring their mega-vanilla husband, which is generally fine as long as their partner briefs them with "People do what they want. You are probably going to see some tits."

But one of the first things he said when he came in was "IS THIS 'IN YOUR ROOM'?" and I was like "YESSSSS. 🤩🤩🤩🤩" and he said "I love their darker stuff - people really like Just Can't Get Enough and People are People but I don't fully get it" and I was like "😍😍😍😍".

He goes to Verboden Festival!!!!

I did not invite him to Friday's Depeche Mode night, though. If he's REALLY invested, he'll be there without me telling him about it. 😂 (I want to go alone.)

[bearterritory]

Cal Takes Down Arizona

Onyiah Scores Career-High 25 Points

PALM SPRINGS – The California women's basketball team got down by as many as nine points against Arizona in the first quarter but took control of the game in the second and didn't look back, using a dominant performance from Michelle Onyiah to help the Golden Bears defeat the Wildcats 74-62 at the Acrisure Classic in Palm Springs on Wednesday. Onyiah registered her second consecutive double-double with a career-high 25 points (11-of-14) and a season-high 13 rebounds to help Cal (7-1) snap a seven-game losing streak against Arizona (6-3) and give the Bears their' third win this season against a team that played in the 2024 NCAA Tournament. "Our mentality was definitely to be the tougher team," Cal head coach Charmin Smith said. "Arizona is a really aggressive defensive team. They have some really active and athletic players on offense who can get to the basket, but we wanted to be the tougher team on both ends of the floor. And I think we did that, and I think that allowed us to get the win." Lulu Twidale continued her hot shooting as she poured in 18 points with four triples (4-of-8) for the Bears while Gisella Maul added a career-high 10 points. Kayla Williams and Ioanna Krimili each dished out six assists and Williams came down with a season-high seven rebounds. The Bears were aggressive all afternoon, getting to the charity stripe 26 times – their sixth game this season with at least 20 attempts. Onyiah scored the first three buckets for the Bears in the first quarter, but Cal went cold while Arizona went on a 11-0 run, aided by three turnovers to take a 16-8 lead with under four minutes to go.  Onyiah stopped the bleeding with her fourth bucket and Twidale hit a triple to get Cal within six points at the 1:50 mark. After Krimili drew an intentional foul and hit both free throws, the Bears drew an offensive foul with five seconds left. Zahra King took the inbounds pass from midcourt and drove to the cup for a layup to beat the buzzer and cut the deficit to just four points heading into the second quarter. In the second quarter, Maul secured an offensive rebound and found Twidale for her second 3-pointer to cap a 7-0 run to get the Bears within one point with 6:39 to go. Onyiah followed up with a putback layup to put Cal back in front with five minutes to go in the half. Twidale's third triple pushed the Bears' lead to 33-29 with under two minutes to go and Cal held Arizona to just two field goals over the last six minutes to take a 37-31 lead into the break. Arizona used a 9-0 run early in the third quarter to regain the lead before Twidale knocked down her fourth 3-pointer of the game to answer back and put Cal back up two. The Bears held the Wildcats to a scoreless stretch of over three minutes while going 5-of-6 from the field and took a 54-46 lead with a minute to go. Onyiah was a perfect 4-for-4 for 10 points in the quarter. Arizona cut the deficit to seven points on a triple with 8:54 to go but Maul answered two possessions later with a 3-pointer of her own to extend Bears' lead to 12 points – their biggest of the game. Arizona's Jada Williams hit a 3-pointer to cut it back to eight points with 2:10 remaining and the Cats forced a turnover which led to a fast break layup to go down six with 29 seconds left. That was as close as they would get as the Bears knocked down 5-of-7 free throws down the stretch to ice the game. "I think our biggest strength was getting the ball into Michelle and the way that she finished around the rim," Smith said. "We didn't have that yesterday (in a loss to Michigan State). I'm really proud to see her get a career high and do what she needed. I think our bench was really helpful. Zahra [King] gave us some crucial minutes in the first half. Gisella [Maul] played some crucial minutes for us throughout the game, and I'm just really proud of the efforts that we're getting from everyone else."

[docholligay]

What would be your dream race? Real or made up.

Hm, I mean, I would love to run a LOT of the world ones: London I put in for the ballot every year, I would really really love to run the London Monuments half, but I haven't put in for the ballot for it--my grandmother has said she'll help me pay to run London if I get in, but a half marathon is not impressive to her ahaha, and London is the only marathon she gives a shit about that's not Boston (I cannot qualify for Boston)--but someday if I have the free cash I'll probably put in for the monuments half.

Someday, SOMEday, I'll run the Marathon du Medoc, which has oysters and wine and steak and shit along the way, and has people throw up all the time, because it also has a rule I VERY much support: you have to be able to run the marathon in 6:30. That's not crazsy at all, that's only a 14:50 pace, BUT, if you're stopping at everything, as a practical matter you have to have a fair amount of cushion time.

So as a practical matter I'd want to make sure I could run a marathon in a 10 minute mile. That DOES NOT sound impressive. Until it's like, mile 20. (Seriously, if I drew London tomorrow my strategy would be 'survive'. Until beeb is in klindergarten, i don't have the time to train for a marathon. Cutoff for london is a 15 minute mile, I would come up with a run/walk strategy to survive the thing so I didn't DNF)

There are plenty I WOULD run: Paris, Tokyo, I do put in for Chicago, NYC, but those 3 above are probably my "If you said I could run whatever" choices. On the ground right now, whole trip being paid for it would be the Monuments half, because I know I can run a half without trouble. And I LOVE running through cities, especially major cities.

Now, if I had a shit ton of money and I could put on my own race, so looking forward to making everyone SO mad at me:

The Kawaii Ass Bitch Magical Girl Women's Run!

There would be the 5k, 10k, and Half.

There would be a drawing to win a Tokyo Marathon Package with guaranteed entry for the racers. This is, last I looked, worth about 6k.

If you run the 5k, you get one entry, if you run the 10k, you get two entries, if you run the half, you get three.

Anyway, also along the course I would have some cool stuff! At the start of the 10k/Mile 6ish, I would have a bunch of kids in the local band playing some magical girl themes and the like (I would pay them) and at the 5k start/the last 3ish miles for everyone else, I would have a big arch that would be all decorated and everything, and as you run through, there are speakers playing different attacks and power ups and the like from different magical girl properties. There's a spot on the course I'm thiniking of where you would have to go through a tunnel, I light it all up with those LED rolls so it's like a transformation for you.

Maybe before every start the countdown to the start gun would be Zettai Unmei, that sounds fun to me.

Anyway, the last stretch before the finish line would be playing the outers (read: harumichi) transformation music, and I would SOMEHOW figure out how to have fans blowing either fake or real rose petals, depending on the permits I could get ahaha.

Because it would be putting you up to run a marathon, it would presume you are of the athletic quality to run a marathon, at least potentially. So the cutoff times would be as follows. THEY ARE AGGRESSIVE FOR MOST PEOPLE'S TASTES.

5k: 30 minutes

10k: 1 hour 3 minutes

Half: two hours fifteen minutes

If you don't cross the finish line in that time, your name isn't in the randomizer.

Why? I get fucked every time I run the run to the pub by a bunch of 10k slow walkers in the last goddamn mile or so, walking four abreast for funsies. By the time I hit these people, the 10k has been started for AN HOUR AND A HALF. The draw prize is a place in the Dublin marathon, pretty much like what I'm suggesting above. I am bitter about this. I am bitter about fucking slamming into a bunch of people who could not fucking finish the Dublin and killing me when I am at the toughest point of the race, for me. I would hope this would encourage people who want to walk, to walk somewhere else. You can all think I am a villain, and that is fucking fine. There are some years the people who won did not even RUN the race. This INFURIATES me. Hate me! It's cool!

Also there's beer at the end I hate a fucking race without beer at the end.

[quibbs126]

So I probably shouldn’t have been drawing these last night and this morning, considering I have schoolwork to do that’s due by tonight, and I won’t be back home until 6, but I have, so here we are

So I’m really not sure anyone remembers, considering the last time I drew them was around 2 years ago, but these guys are some of my old Evoland 2.5 (I guess) characters, specifically Juno and Jovi

They’ve been percolating around in my head for the past while, as well as these two new characters, and with my work sketches I decided to finally get around to redesigning them in full. Or at least, half up

I do feel like Juno and Jovi look the best, but that’s probably also because I’ve never drawn the other two before. I only had vague ideas for the other two. But I do like how the siblings turned out

Solus is definitely getting a redesign though

Anyways, how about I explain them to you? Since you don’t know who they are

So basically they’re supposed to be from a vague centuries later future of Evoland 2, but also not really considering time loop and all that. So the events of Evoland 2 sort of happened, but also no time travel or time loop

I’ve rewritten Juno and Jovi’s backstories multiple times, but it has now swung back around to making them Demon royalty. But I never like having Juno be the actual crown princess, so that’s what Solus is here for. Solus is the crown prince of the new Demon kingdom (it isn’t called Demonia anymore, though it is still the last name of the royal family), with his father as the king. Juno and Jovi are his cousins (Juno is the older one), with them also having royal blood as their mother was the younger sister of the current king, their uncle

The pair of them live with their uncle and cousin since their parents died when they were children. Juno is a young adult, around her 50s, Jovi a teenager in his 40s, while their cousin Solus is around his 80s or so

Oh and also by proxy of being the royal family, these guys are then Menos’ direct descendants via Reno

I have this vision of Solus wearing sunglasses, which you see here, but honestly I’m not sure if I should keep them. Maybe they’re a bit anachronistic

But the reason he wears sunglasses is that Solus is in fact blind, and he has been his entire life. He’s had to work around his blindness in some areas, like the fact that he can’t really read or write in the conventional sense, but he’s plenty capable. He also I think throws knives, which might not sound safe, but he can do it fine. He doesn’t really like people knowing he’s blind, so he doesn’t tell people, and he wears the sunglasses to avoid the problem of no direct eye contact

And then we have the last character, who I cannot for the life of me name. I just don’t really know what to call her. But she is a Troll, so for now I’m just going to call her Troll Lady

She is in fact the fiancé of Solus, and while there is political value in their marriage, they’re doing it because they want to, they are very much in love. She also runs a factory and is a good 9 feet tall or so (Solus is around 6)

To explain worldbuilding, first let’s start with the Demons. So in this world they did not die out after the Great War, managing to pull through just barely (they might have used the Magi Lab, I’m not sure). But for a time, all Demons lived in the Temple of Menos, which is also known as the Sacred Temple. Eventually their population grew large enough, as well as the Great Flood having already happened and the world settled, that the Demons came back down to the surface and started living in the remains of the old kingdom Demonia, though some chose to stay in the Temple instead. The Demons basically live in a giant tower below the Temple (considering they used to all live in the same building anyways), at the top of which they can access the Temple. Some have moved outwards into the rest of the world, or just more space in the old country, but most live in the Tower

To be honest I haven’t really decided what their culture is like, between the Past/Present Demons, the Temple of Menos Demons, and whatever might have occurred in those next centuries and how they would have evolved. But their outfits are supposed to be inspired by the Temple of Menos outfits, I know that

Moving on the the Trolls, basically my idea is that unlike the Wikings, Humans or Demons, they never really had any sort of cataclysmic event to decimate their population or set them back a lot (the Flood did have them seal up caves so they don’t die, but they were already living underground anyways), so they really flourished and evolved in the next centuries. Currently, they’re very skilled metal workers and inventors, being spearheads of what’s basically an Industrial Revolution in the world. They also don’t really kidnap people anymore, they’ve moved past those days

Though one random thing is that they still think Demons are really hot. My idea is that they’ve got particular beauty conventions, and so to them Demons are just gorgeous. It’s basically supposed to be how like in fantasy, elves (and/or vampires) are considered to be these ethereal beauties, and just naturally very attractive. That’s how the Trolls see Demons, they are their elves in that sense. I don’t know why I have that, but it is

Troll Lady wasn’t originally going to be a Troll, I think she was originally going to be from a separate group of Demons that splintered off from the main ones sometime after the Great War. But then I later thought that maybe she should be another race entirely, considering she’s supposed to be incredibly tall and everything (her two tenants were that she was 9-10 feet tall and that she wore a mask to cover her face), and I was going to make one up like Orks or something when I remembered “oh wait, the Trolls exist”. And not only that, but our encounter with them literally already had them kidnapping a Demon because they thought he was attractive, it’d be perfect to have be our new Demon prince’s fiancé. And so yeah, she’s a Troll

So now let’s talk design things, since I still want to say them. Mostly with Solus

I’m gonna be honest, at this rate I’ve forgotten that we don’t see any Demons with orange hair and that I gave Juno that hair color to be unique. But the artbook has some Demon concepts with orange hair, so I’ll take it. Same thing goes for Solus having his dark purple skin. The artbook told me these were possibilities, so I am going to run with them. We didn’t see enough Demons to know otherwise

But I also feel like Solus and Juno look too similar. Yeah, they’re cousins, but between the three of them, I feel like it’d be far more believable to assume Juno and Solus are the pair of siblings while Jovi is their cousin, when that isn’t the case (also Juno and Jovi are now bio related instead of Jovi being adopted)

Part of the issue, at least when it comes to the hair, is that Solus is supposed to have a sun motif, at least with his powers, his colors, his name and also the fact that he’s blind. So I wanted to give him orange hair, and I’m not sure any others would work (especially as I consider yellow hair to be specific to the “Super Saiyan” mode for Demons). But Juno already has orange hair, so they end up looking really similar

I suppose the best solution would be to just change Juno’s hair color, but her hair’s always been orange, it feels wrong to change that. But it gets rid of the problem, so I should. But what do I change it to then?

Also, I really don’t know their color schemes right now, at least outfit wise. I think Jovi’s looks fine, but I’m struggling with Juno’s and Solus’. I just kind of slapped stuff on

I guess what they need is more concept designs for me to flesh them out. But I don’t know how easy that’ll be

And then as for troll lady, her outfit colors are fine, but I didn’t really know what to do for her colors other than just the regular Troll colors from the cards. I mean, I guess it works, but I also feel like I should do more

I also feel like her anatomy needs work, but that’s fair enough. She’s supposed to have a different build from the Demons (and Humans) due to being a different species, but I haven’t quite fleshed out what that would entail. Or what she looks like under the mask

Maybe I should do some Troll practice later on

But I think that about covers everything, so I should stop now and go get ready for work. And I suppose in the meantime, take these

[tgrailwar]

Tumblr Holy Grail War: Wave 7 - Day 3 (Masters from Beyond)

The Masters of Tumblr chose to summon a Foreigner-class!

The Masters put out a call into the abyss… and the abyss SHRIEKED back. Happily. Gladly. The voices from beyond the void would gratefully lend any one of their treasured Servants for your endeavors. The abandoned church shuddered and quaked, the bounds of the Grail War's already fragile reality beginning to rip and tear apart.

The 'Servant' set to protect the Grail, useless for all other things, stumbled forth as his perch began to corrode and twist.

"You geniuses decided to pick FOREIGNER? Listen, I can't speak for all Avengers, but at least they want to keep reality intact! I told Team Rider that Ruler was already waterlogged with data, and so you called up a virus? What exactly was the plan there? Remind me NEVER to ask you guys for computer help!"

Before the 'Nothing Servant' could complain further, a shape began manifesting. Not simply the Spirit Origin of a common Servant, but one that caused the fabric of reality and logic itself to crumble and twist.

It was shapeless, yet solid. Chaotic, yet aligned. Tendrils of smoke shot outward, draining away whatever it could from the dilapidated church, taking in magical energy as it hungered for an answer.

'Who will answer the call?'

The 'Nothing Servant' drew a pair of reverse-fanged blades, clutching them tightly in his hands. His own mana signature- as pathetic as it was- began to flare up around him. A Servant worse than any other Servant, but greater than any human. Stuck in the middle of being 'something' and 'nothing'.

Of course, that made him a perfect match for a Servant that 'wasn't quite anything', at least for now.

"...Her rule-- the ruling of 'Ruler'-- was that there were seven Servants, excluding herself. Two are out, so that means there's a gap left for this thing... and me!"

As confident as he was trying to sound, the pathetic Servant was already desperately trying to dodge out of the way of the incoming corrosion lest he succumb to it, trying to hide the clear panic in his voice.

"Okay, we can't stop the summoning, but maybe we can mess with the connection a bit so that they don't crawl out of the summoning circle at full power. If at least half of you aren't total maniacs, I'll need you to lend me your mana in order to pull this off! Sorry, but I'm breaking my promise, Overseer! Guess I'll need to be somebody! Nice to meet you all! Just call me 'Avenger' for now!"

In order to survive, Avenger needs at least 50% of the total votes!

[pernesophe]

Therapy

by Persephone

“You’re so self aware!” my third therapist says to me before ghosting me.

Thanks, but I didn’t even finish a third of my trauma in this 50 minute session.

I actually only got through my childhood trauma - thank you again for not taking the family chart I so carefully drew out to help you keep track of my family dynamics which led to the trauma. 

If you took me seriously from the start, then you wouldn’t be staring at me with such an overwhelmed look on your face. You are the professional here, right?

I still have middle and high school, my assault at 16, my best friend moving away a year later and my friend group falling apart as a result - hello loneliness, my old friend - to get through. 

Oh yeah, and for whatever reason my assault seemed to jumpstart my parent’s divorce - so much for staying together “for the kids” - my siblings got them through graduation at the very least. Just not me.

Oh, and that divorce by the by? Nobody told me that we were moving - I just came home from school one day to all of my things packed up and my mom directed me to take apart their 4 post bed. The renters showed up an hour later - I had no idea what was going on. I cried, and nobody in my family comforted me - only the strangers across the driveway who were moving into my home said “it’ll be okay.”

What would? I had no idea where I was going until my mom dropped me off at my dad’s house with his girlfriend and her son - hello blended family. Goodbye nuclear family as my mom drove the hour and a half to my grandma’s house with my brother and sister to live there.

I, of course, threw myself into school, work and friends. I dated three brothers in a row and nobody had the sense to come say, “Hey are you doing okay?” but the boys’ mom did ask me to get her eldest son a therapist when I was 17 and he was 23, so at least someone was looking out for somebody, I guess.

Oh where was I again? Right, blended family. Good, at first - they really tried - but I slept on the couch for the first month because my room was filled with boxes and I didn’t have a bed yet. Maybe that’s why I still sleep on the couch today? 

That’s also when my dad started treating me like my sister - like I was rebelling against everything, when still, months after that fact no one explained to me what the fuck was going on. I was expected to jump in line - just be normal.

So, because every adult around me wanted to act childish while I was hauling schoolwork out the ass and working like crazy - I moved in with my boyfriend in the city at 18 secretly without telling my dad - my mom and sister had to tell him at work one day. 

That’s correct - the 23 year old who I did not find a therapist for. 

My dad and I still aren’t the same all these years later. We’re kind and polite to each other - we love each other - but we just don’t talk about what happened. I felt really angry at first, but now I just feel guilty about it all of the time, so we only talk every few months now.

It was a whirlwind from there - my memory is real shit for these next few years to be honest - I remember IB exams, working, running wild with friends, so many drugs, and then graduation followed by the start of fall semester at VCU.

For everything I had kept running for so long - it was just a facade - because I crashed and burned after that, hard. I don’t remember how it happened, from living at my boyfriend’s, and then breaking up and still hanging with his group of friends, to that casual relationship with DC that was so toxic. I spent one, maybe two thanksgivings with DC and his family - all kind people, but a little broken, like all of us. Before I started dating the third brother - love was something I so desperately wanted to attain - I ended it with DC who said he was going to tell me he loved me. I told him I didn’t feel the same way, and then the middle brother told me he didn’t love me back - a little ironic wouldn’t you agree? But it only took a week for him to tell me that he actually did love me. Boys, amiright? 

At that time his mom kicked him out, DC didn’t want anything to do with me, and I still couldn’t be around my family - so we lived in between my car and his brother’s for a summer. When the cold months hit I swallowed my pride and asked my mom if we could move in with her, and she said yes. Even though I never used the word “homeless” my mom made sure to drill in the fact that I chose to do that. Of course I did, but at the same time, when home isn’t safe enough to want to return to - is it really a home? 

Anyway, back to the point, we dated for two years - the whole time he asked me ‘why are we even dating’ whenever we would fight - before I ever broke up with him. I ended it after I cheated on him with one of my best friend’s roommates when I went to visit her, and still the only explanation for why I cheated is because I just wanted to feel wanted. 

I never told the middle brother - it seemed like it would just add insult to injury. Of course, when I did finally end it, he asked me why, and all I could say was ‘I’m not really sure why we’re even dating’. He was heartbroken that I said that, but my heart had already been broken and decayed for a long time by then.

Finally - finally - I was free of all of that mess. My family seemed healthier now - both my mom and sister were in therapy and making real changes in their lives. I started to feel safer. I thought I’d take a break from dating, until I met my current partner.

Life and exuberance incarnate walked into my life at 5'4 and a hundred-something pounds - I have never clicked, nor do I think I’ll ever click with someone like I have with him. 

The only unfortunate piece is the tension among his friend group when I entered. I think it was run of the mill, and I think I perceived it to be worse than it was, but it was enough to trigger all of my previous baggage. I am glad that I stuck through the discomfort for where I am now and the fact that he is still very much in my life, but it was difficult. 

I think for many in that house, it felt like walking on eggshells - which I was used to with my upbringing - but the main difference is that I knew my family dynamics but I didn’t know his friends’. Add in the perceived tension and the fear of abandonment from ‘messing this up’ and I suddenly became the most anxious version of myself. 

For me, everything was so intense. I thought so excruciatingly long and hard about my breathing, how much I was blinking, eye contact - too much or too little, my facial expression, how I held my body, how I sat in a chair, if standing by this wall or in this corner or sitting in this seat was okay, or if I was opening myself up to ridicule by doing the wrong thing. Because I was new I didn’t want to ask what was wrong or right and be deemed weird, and unfortunately nobody was just telling me if I did something wrong or if it was connected to something else entirely. 

In that year and a half I became the least authentic version of myself, because I so badly wanted this relationship, and at the same time I think I desperately wanted to feel accepted. 

I think underneath it all I understood that this was a me issue in a lot of ways. Still, it was hard and I was triggered and got my feelings hurt a lot. When everyone coupled up and moved into their own homes - they kept hanging out, but I just stopped going and I made a lot of excuses for why when my partner and his friends told me that I was wanted. That I was missed. That people did crave my presence. Really, I think in my heart of hearts I knew I just wasn’t ready. I tried for so long to just be, but I never felt comfortable being. I needed to take the time to figure that out without anyone else. I needed to make myself really believe what they were saying before I reintegrated. 

Reintroducing: loneliness. 

It was different this time though, because I kept seeing everyone else around me doing well and having fun, but for some reason I was being left behind. Every person I talked to just said “it’s hard for everyone, just keep your chin up,” and while I understand everyone struggles - I still couldn’t piece together why I am. Why everyone else around me can hold down a job, and pay their bills, and keep up with friends and family, and also do things they enjoy. I didn’t understand how my coworkers stayed in the same position or company for 10+ years without completely burning out. I didn’t understand why I could get hired anywhere and be deemed a phenomenal employee and be given more and more responsibility, just for me to fizzle out a year in and throw up my hands saying “I can’t do this anymore!” 

I started to wonder if I was broken, but this time, as I said before, was different. Instead of chastising myself and saying ‘you need to do better’ - I sat down with myself and really started asking myself ‘what’s going on with us’, ‘where are we struggling’, ‘what coping skills do we have right now that we can use for this’, ‘in what areas do we have no coping skills’. I started looking into a slew of mental health disorders and started researching symptoms and searching for an answer. As it turns out, I’m autistic.

It took me years of researching on my own to get there - I cross examined the list of symptoms and feelings I had drawn up for myself versus the list of disorders I was looking into. Narrowing it down wasn’t hard, but when you get down to BPD or autistic, unfortunately the general stereotype around autism kind of pushed me towards looking at BPD (which isn’t out of the ordinary). The most obvious evidence why it wasn’t BPD is because I can control my emotions and haven’t been hospitalized. Which led me to looking into autism. 

By the way, if someone is going through this and you are deemed safe enough for them to explain it to (especially if they’ve already self-diagnosed), please don’t tell them that they obviously don’t have BPD. It’s not helpful, or even necessary, when the autistic person has already done every piece of leg work by themselves, and was literally so far in the trenches they were basically touring hell through their self-diagnosis process - they are already so completely aware that they don’t have BPD. Just listen to all of the work they had to do on their own to create a singular foundation to navigate their life as they are. That is what is helpful.

This poem was written by me and belongs to me - please don't share or repost it.

SP's Poem Collection

[otakween]

Cyborg 009 BGOOParts Delete (2020) - Volume 3

This manga is clearly meant to be binged and not read extremely slowly like I've been doing, so I'll try to read more at a time to do things properly. I'm still really frustrated that this is such a rehash of tired material. It might be acceptable if this was a reboot, but it's supposed to be more like a sequel/continuation so...

Ch. 15

The monologuing continues! Apollon and Joe talk about their respective squads, what makes them similar and different. Joe emphasizes the fact that the numbers cyborgs resent being made and plan to eradicate all of Black Ghost's cyborgs from the face of the Earth.

Helena asks Francoise to help her stop the fighting, but Francoise says that she can't because she doesn't want to abort the mission. Helena knocks Francoise out and turns into her dark, Artemis form, complete with creepy looking wings jutting out of her cyborg spine. They drew her all sensual this chapter which made me kinda uncomfortable lol.

007, 002, and 006 fight the lesser Mythos cyborgs in the background. They're not given much to do and it's hard to care about their part of the story.

Ch. 16

This chapter was straight up incomprehensible for me. Not only do they shout out some new attack name every two seconds, but half of them aren't even in Japanese or English. Also, a lot of the characters use old timey Japanese. At this point I'm just hear to admire the art.

Artemis' body is now the Dolphin apparently. What is this Arpeggio of Blue Steel??

At least 005 and 008 got some screentime this chapter. Every time 008 does stuff outside of the water I'm like "he's just a dude" lol. The Aquaman conundrum...

Ch. 17

Geronimo's battle wraps up with the Minotaur dude. DAMN that guy was annoying. I think he said "The Dark Labyrinth" about 50 million times. I was so pissed off having to read it over and over lol. Like...shut up already (thankfully, he did).

I really love how Pyunma has been drawn by this artist. He's come a long way. He acknowledged how limited he is outside of the water in this chapter, which I appreciated. Chang comes to his aid.

Ch. 18

Apollon monologues himself to death lol. The dialogue is sooo bad in this manga. They keep repeating the same phrases ad nauseum and it feels cheesy for them to be ranting so much during a battle. Just have them fight in silence and monologue after or something.

In addition to the dialogue being cringey, the action isn't really good either. The Mythos cyborgs keep dying and I keep thinking "wait...how'd they die??" It's not drawn clearly at all. Apollon gets shot up and then set on fire somehow, but they didn't draw Joe doing any of that so I'm like ???

Ch. 19

Okay, Hippo Man making 007 melt was pretty disturbing body horror, I gotta say. 004 then easily takes him out in a pretty boring battle. Hippo man went on and on about his "true name" and they made "kaba/baka" puns. Hey Cyborg 009, aren't comic relief characters supposed to be...funny?

Artemis is pissed at Joe for killing Apollon, but what did she think was gonna happen? This is such a blah retread.

Ch. 20

Lion dude turns into Heracles (which looks like a guy wearing a lion fur and wielding clubs). The cyborgs all gather for their final battle (aside from Artemis probably)

Who was the hairy dude in the beginning? I'm sure I'm just supposed to know who is his but I forgot lol. It's so hard to follow this manga when no one's documented it on the 009 wiki yet boohoo

Joe looked pretty badass showing up at the end there ngl (plus the shippers probably like to see him carrying 002 like that)

Ch. 21

Okay, this last bit was interesting (finally). They talked about how the numbers cyborgs have already defeated Black Ghost and are now just cleaning up their ooparts. Heracles disagrees and says that the Mythos cyborgs ARE Black Ghost because they're following through on their mission.

I had to remind myself what ooparts are. It stands for "Out of Place" parts. It's supposedly an American term, but I've never heard of it. It's related to cryptozoology and refers to anachronistic artifacts. I guess the Mythos cyborgs kinda fit that, but instead of being new stuff in olden times, they're old stuff in modern times? IDK. I wonder if OOParts is a well known concept in Japan or just this mangaka's hobby?

GDI Helen showing up at the last second to resurrect everyone is cheating >:/ now this arc will never end!

I like learning random stuff from manga. Heracles kept bringing up the Nemean lion so I looked it up and basically it's a lion whose fur was impervious to weapons. Never heard of that myth before! With the added context I appreciated Heracles' design more.

The mangaka's fanart sketches at the end were really charming, I liked their little self portrait too (they didn't need to draw 008's OG design though -cringe-)

[crustacean-on-main]

"Niyyawa." He glanced around. His master, having snuck into the shack as he was wont to do, fell to the ground with an almost exaggerated carelessness and assumed a cross-legged position. He drew two items from his belt and stuck them in the soft mud. Niyyawa eyed them nervously. One was a sword, one a comically oversized bullet.

".79 HE/AP autocannon shell, probably", he thought to himself. He scratched his head. The fact that the damn things just didn't rust meant that entirely too many of them were still lying around out there, even after all this time. Although the propellant inside was probably useless by now. An inert relic of a war vast beyond comprehension. As if he had read his mind, the master smiled. "Niyyawa. Before you are two swords. Which one, do you think, cuts deeper?"

...

"You know", Zeman began, picking his teeth. The man was stretched out between two chairs, his torso half-suspended on one, and his crossed legs resting on the back of the other. With his dirty leathers he gave off the unmistakable air of a man used to disrespecting his interlocutors to score some cheap wins. "I wonder why so many of them do that. Run around with swords and such, I mean. Have you ever thought about that?" Rather than wait for an answer, he proceeded to expound his thesis. "I think, you know, that it's a way of rebelling against the world. Let's face it, there's nothing you can do with a sword you couldn't also do with a gun. Sure, the gun is a finicky machine and you need to have ammo for it, or at least a power pack, but a sword can also break, you know? And you need to keep it sharp. I mean, hell, the other day, you know what I saw? I saw a guy selling another guy something called a jet hammer. They put little reaction thrusters in the back so you can get that extra impact velocity, really punch through ceramic armor. Can you believe it?" He shook his head. "You probably need years of training for that thing not to rip your arms off, or even just fly spectacularly out of your hands. What a waste of time! If you spent those years practicing something useful instead, like shooting a gun ..." He sighed. "The reason they do this, you know, is because they have nothing to lose. They die and they get back up. You blow their ribcage out with a .50 cal, 10 seconds later they're at it again. And then, you know, all that trouble they go to, they'll kill you back. They'll kill a tank with a hammer, if they have to, just out of spite. Just to show the Corpse-Gods that mock them that they won't play by the rules. But to get there, of course, they use all the tech that they so despise. It's ironic, isn't it?"

[stilesssolo]

Hey! 😁 It’s been almost a week since The Album came out, and I wanted to know, what did you think of it? I’m honestly a little disappointed ngl. A lot of the songs are just too short for me 😭 like, I love most of the songs (a few are just okay to me) and so I want there to be more to them, you know? It’s not topping Happiness Begins for me 🤷🏽‍♀️

Oooh, are you seeing the boys on tour btw? I got my ticket as soon as they went on sale 🤘🏽😌

I feel very much the same!! I like the album, I like the beat, but I feel like the writing itself is a lil lacking. Most of the songs I’m tapping my foot but I’m like what are we saying here?? What are we going for?? They all feel a little too short to really get the message across. And I don’t think a song has to be long to be good— like Comeback is one of my fave songs of theirs and it’s barely 2 and a half minutes, but there’s a story there, a clear message. I feel like some of these songs very much fall into the Harry’s House trap of “we are just listing words that fit the vibe.” It’s def not their strongest writing. I remember listening to Happiness Begins on loop after starting BICBTY and being like “wow, I can get so many stories out of these songs, there’s so many ways I can take the ideas of this and turn it into a plotline or a backstory and give it a life of its own.” It really felt like those songs were about something and they kind of drew a picture in my mind and inspired me to come up with things like “what could this line be about?”. I don’t feel that with this album at all (except for a few songs— Little Bird is a notable exception that will absolutely have a follow up one shot once I finish BICBTY. 😂)

I much prefer their work with Ryan Tedder to Jon Bellion; I feel like Happiness Begins and all the songs in between these albums are telling a much clearer story and I agree that The Album isn’t coming close to topping Happiness Begins for me. Also hearing this album makes me long for the lost album with What A Man Gotta Do, X, Five More Minutes, all those songs even more 😂😂

Regardless yes I did get tickets to the tour! I was hesitant to buy them before hearing the album because the two singles did have me wary but the Eras-tour-esque nature of it sold me (plus tickets were like $50 for upper balcony which was more than reasonable 😂). I actually never saw them live before the Happiness Begins tour, so I am super excited to hear more stuff off A Little Bit Longer and Lines Vines and Trying Times aside from their big hits!! LV&TT is critically underrated imo so I’m still very excited for the show, even if The Album’s portion will probably be my least favorite 😂😂

[inkb-lot]

Tuesday, December 31

Last night I slept for 6 hours and 16 minutes from 12:44 am to 7:00 am. For once, I slept with my retainer after my teeth removal. Kudos to me!

Today was alright. I got a migraine half way through the day and tried to sleep it off, but it didn’t go away. I’ve been having consistent migraines since November after never having migraines in my life, so I’ve been learning to cope. I popped some Excedrin and moved on with my day.

The pain went away, but it made me feel floaty, and I started shaking while drawing, likely due to the caffeine.

Today I wrote for 75 minutes, I read for 50 minutes, I drew for 100 minutes, and I worked on social media for 50 minutes. All together, I’d say it was a productive day, despite the headache.

I’m trying to create more art this year to post, so I’m hoping to complete two pieces in January or at least finish the one I’ve been working on and start a second. I think it’s a realistic goal if I set my mind to it. My art style is one that is a bit tedious and time consuming, but I like the look of it, so I don’t mind. In the end, it’s worth it.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 2008 Tom showed me this really cool thing on Google Maps. It tells you the distance between one point to another, as well as the height. Jesse’s 80’ higher than us while the renters in back are 60’ lower. If you drew a line straight from our place to Jesse’s, he’s 271’ away. The renters are over 300’ away, and the people up the hill in back with the goats are over 400’ away. I was surprised to learn that they’re a little lower than Jesse. I thought they were at the highest point from which we can see from our place.

Speaking of Jesse, Tom ran into him on his way out yesterday. I’m surprised it took this long to run into each other. Jesse was in his truck. They just said hello and that was it.

I’ve been thinking of Randy a lot lately. What was it about him that charmed me so? I really miss him at times. I didn’t know much about him, but there was just something about him. For someone who’s more than predominantly been attracted to women, there have only been about half a dozen guys I ever thought were halfway decent looking, including Tom, of course. Randy was tall and wiry. At least 6’ tall or taller. He had thick wavy gray hair, a mustache and light eyes. I never could decide if he was in his late 40s or early 50s. I don’t know if we’d have gotten along as well had we been friends or anything more. Despite his friendliness and easygoing manner, I sensed not so much an underlying hardness about him, but I got the feeling that he wasn’t a very sensitive guy for the most part. I don’t think most of them are, though, anyway.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2008 I won a $575 Shaw laminate flooring GC in an instant sweep a few hours ago! The question is, does it have to be used for that only? I sent them an email, so we’ll see. They’re going to send an affy of course, which hopefully won’t require notarization or include a tax form. If it has to be flooring only, we could either redo the floors here, give it to Jesse for a rent deduction, or see if Jessie wants to buy it, or sell it online. We’ll see what Tom thinks when he gets up in a few more hours.

The renters didn’t get trigger-happy last week. I don’t know if it was my prayers or someone talking to them that helped, but I’m glad they skipped a week of target practice!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2008 Jessie said she’d be in Las Vegas in January (a good time to go there since that’s when her weather will be at its shittiest) and asked how far we were from there. Well, we’re 371 miles away, but as I reminded her, the western states are huge. I still hope she can either get here or we can meet her there. That’d be totally awesome!

How do you explain this? I woke up at 144.0 yesterday and said screw it! I took a day off of dieting and ate whenever I was hungry and then some. Yet today I woke up at 142.8!

I had horrible dreams of losing the place, only “the place” was a huge two-story house and so was Jesse’s, and it was on a circular drive. In the dream, I asked Tom if he thought Jesse would accept $825 worth of stuff as payment, was wondering if we should just kill ourselves, and ugh! Just the usual nightmare I have at times. I just hope it’s just that – a nightmare – and not some ominous warning of trouble ahead.

So I’m a bit stressed, though certainly not like in the motel. I hope to hell it doesn’t come to that point either! Tom says we’ll be fine. I’ve been praying every day as well.

I woke up several times during my sleep, afraid I’d get “shot awake.” I noticed that they do their shooting at the end of the week. Twice on Thursday, once on Friday. So far all I’ve heard, though, is this obnoxious dog in the middle of the night that’s almost as loud as Jesse’s.

Tom worked a full shift and will be working tomorrow too, in case he has to take days off next week. I just hope he gets a new job like yesterday!

Jesse may be a bit of a pest and a bit on the dumb side, but when you think about it, he’s just what we wanted. A seemingly easy-going guy who’d probably work with us if we had a problem. This sure beats a management company that treats everyone the same and could care less if all your loved ones dropped dead and you ended up paralyzed or blind or whatever.

The queen is 85 today. Just another year or two and you’re going belly-up, bitch! What mixed emotions Mary and Dave must have about that idea. At last, their “child” will be gone and they can have the whole house to themselves.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2008 Tom was able to work another full day, though he says he wouldn’t mind having Friday off so he could have a 4-day weekend.

Next week is when he really expects to if not start a new job, then at least get interviews, explaining that after Labor Day is a good time to get jobs since the high school and college kids that have summer jobs return to school.

Wish I had more to write about, but I don’t. Hey, no news is good news! Usually. Guess I’ll go work on my story a little and watch a couple of movies.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2008 Although they sent some people home early today, Tom wasn’t one of them, thank God. This still doesn’t ease my worries. Not until and if we can make it long enough to see him in a new job. I woke up just 4 hours into my sleep stressed out at the thought of him being sent home early.

We were going to list a Barbie lot tonight on eBay, then one tomorrow, but Tom had to stop and play Fix-it instead. He got a hole in one of his tires which he thinks was caused by a nail, and now there’s a corrupt spot on the hard drive of the computer that operates the cooler. Naturally, this has me worried that if something up there wants us back on the path to financial ruin, that part of guiding us onto this path means it’s going to have things break that cost money. So far nothing’s cost us, but it could be a matter of time.

I asked Tom what he thought about Mary’s case and if he thought she’d go home at sentencing or if the state would get its way with the 15 years. He said he thinks she’ll end up with something between the two, saying that the state usually asks for more than they expect to get while the defense lawyers ask for less. So what made the DA in my case so lucky that she got what she asked for? Gee, maybe the defendant was a white Jew! So I guess that she’d be out sometime next year if she got the in-between, but no later than 2010. I’d hate to see her transferred to prison, even though prison can be better than jail in many ways. But it can also be more dangerous, too.

I finally heard from Jessie. She said she’s been busy and dizzy and that her doctors won’t give her a blood test. They’re insisting it’s stress. Yeah, I’m sure the quacks would insist on that. If it is stress, then I guess that means the job isn’t going well. She didn’t say. I’ve asked several times, but it’s like she likes to keep me wondering and guessing or something.

At least I know she’s still alive, but I’m still completely in the dark where Paula’s concerned. As for my folks, they’ve never wanted much to do with their “crazy” daughter, so there’s no mystery there.

Although I just won a $10 Red Robin restaurant GC, I’m thinking of seriously cutting back on the sweeps. There’s just no point in working so hard for so little. Same with the diet. Why be so hungry just to lose a pound that keeps coming back? I awoke at 142.0. How do you gain nearly 2 pounds from a tuna sandwich and an 80-calorie muffin? I was 142.8 after I ate them. I’m simply too old to lose weight without starving and it’s just not worth it. I’m big, this is me, and so be it.

Brownie had finally smartened up and learned that if he doesn’t go home when I tell him to, he doesn’t get let out for a few days. Yet earlier when I was cleaning their cage, they both gave me a hard time, so they’re not going anywhere for a while.

Speaking of things not working, that damn Freecorder quits working every time I reboot the laptop on which I play my radio, so I guess I just won’t record songs for a while. Nothing works with Vista and when it does it doesn’t work for long!

I don’t know how long this will work in XP on the Mac, but we downloaded a counter and installed it on my Kiwi profile page to tell me how many people view that page. So far there’s been 4 in the last few hours.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 2008 I can’t write much right now because I’m pretty stressed out. Mr. Everything’s Going to be Okay was sent home two hours early due to lack of work, and being naïvely optimistic as he is, he’s telling me everything is going to be ok and that after Labor Day, which he forgot about, he’ll get a new job closer to home and I can get to a dentist for these fucking teeth that are hurting like hell, etc. But after the nightmares we’ve been through it’s hard for me not to be worried and paranoid, afraid the past is once again reaching out to haunt us. I’ve been praying every day for God to protect us from yet another financial crisis, but I know that if He can fail to care about us in the past, he can choose not to care now, too. I’d like to think He feels we’ve had enough already of being beaten over the head financially, but I can’t count on that. He’s been my enemy as much as He’s been my friend. Nothing up there curses someone with both a sleep disorder and a driving phobia if they want them to be financially comfortable. Instead, we’re two people trying to survive on one income. Tom says we’ve gotten by in the past and we’ll get by again, but the point is that I don’t want to spend half our lives barely making it! I know we’ve got the money for September’s rent, but what about October? He says it won’t be a problem, but what if he’s wrong? And why can’t I just live in the moment? We’re not faced with homelessness right now, so why can’t I just relax and enjoy life until and if there ever really is another crisis? Arrrggghhh!

All I know is this – I’m not going on the streets! I may be forced to play poor-assed bum, but I’ll totally kill myself before I hit the streets. This is as cheap as it gets, so if we lost this place there’d be no place to go! I also know that something up there has been obsessed with me being in places I don’t want to be throughout most of my life, and despite the few flaws here, this is the best place I’ve ever lived, and oh my God! I’ve got a damn good idea! Back in a sec.

Tom and I talked about this before, back in the motel, and have decided to actually do it instead of just talk about it. We’re going to save up $1500 or so and get an RV as a backup. That way if the absolute worst-case scenario occurred and we couldn’t live here, we could load that up, throw our stuff in storage, then live in that for a while. The question is, can we survive long enough to get it? If only my teeth didn’t need so much work!

There is some good news and that’s that I’m down to 141.4. I thought this 1000-calorie diet had stopped working, but I guess it hasn’t. I have no idea how much more I’ll lose. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see how hard it is. Some days are certainly better than others. I’ve been taking multivitamins to help keep from feeling rundown, being stuck, and all those other things that go with dieting.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24, 2008 And now I’m up almost a whole pound. I did splurge a little yesterday, but only a little. Fortunately, I’m not that hungry today.

Thanks to Tom’s accumulation of Coke reward points, I’m getting a new $40 Oakley messenger bag! At least I think it’s a messenger bag. It’s a bright red Oakley Girl Bag. It also says “swivel mid,” whatever that means. The “mid” must mean it’s a mid-size bag, but it’s awfully big for a mid-size. The pocketbook Nervous got me a million years ago is 9” long and 6” tall, but this one’s 15” long and 10” tall. My current black pocketbook only has two compartments, plus an inner and outer pocket. This one has 3 outer pockets and an inner one. It’s definitely roomy and capable of holding larger items like books.

Their pink metallic Hobo bag was actually the prettiest, but it’s way too small. Smaller than the one I’ve got now.

Later…

Scratch that red messenger bag. In the end, I decided on the Petite Pouchette Medium Hobo bag in pale metallic bronze by Nine West Handbags. It’s a $32 bag and will be here by September 4th. It has an inner pocket and two outer pockets and is almost 14” long and just over 9” tall. It’s ¼” wider than that big messenger bag would’ve been at 4.25”.

At 1:30 yesterday morning, then again at 5:00 a few hours later, I heard this obnoxious barking from down the hill. Heard it before midnight, too. It totally fucking figures, huh? I mean, it just so totally fucking figures! As soon as we get here, in comes this shit. I’m sure I’ll get shot awake at some point this week, too. If I didn’t know any better I’d hope they moved or got evicted, but I do know better. I know that even if they did leave, the same old shit would move right in to replace them. I’m just glad I can’t hear the barking during the daytime. The shooting is bad enough, and I doubt talking to them will help. People like that just don’t respond to words.

A couple of nights ago at around 11:00, I was going to pee when I heard shouts coming from down there. The good thing about it was that it was so faint. You had to literally stick your face in the open window by the toilet to hear anything. I couldn’t tell if they were fighting or just goofing around, but I could certainly tell that I wouldn’t want them living a driveway away, let alone a wall away! I even smiled at the fact that they’re as far away as they are.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 2008 Got a letter from Mary, obviously sent before she could’ve gotten the trailer picture, or hopefully gotten it. She asked that I email her attorney a character reference letter, which I was more than happy to do, even though I don’t see how it’ll help. They didn’t help me, but this isn’t a case of blacks against whites in Arizona either, where blacks are favored by the law. I still don’t think character references help many defendants no matter what they’re charged with, who they are or where they are, and especially not in a case such as hers. If anything she stands less of a chance than I did. On the other hand, the only “character reference” I got was from Miss Perfect in my case. I would think Mary could get dozens of character references.

What I don’t get is how it can help even if the judge were to be impressed with what people have to say about her. She says the DA is trying to get her 15 years while her lawyer’s trying to get her home at sentencing after 10 years. But even if she gets 15 years, has already been there since 2000, and gets a year off for every 3 she’s done, then wouldn’t her sentence be up even if the DA gets his way?

I just hope she stays away from her mother and abusive men whenever the hell she does get out, and that she has no more children. She may love kids, but she’s lost enough of her life as it is. Not only could she do the world a favor by not contributing to the overpopulation problem that’s getting out of hand, but she deserves some freedom for once. But she hasn’t had sex since she was 23, she’s still fairly young at almost 31 years old and hasn’t any discriminations.

Meanwhile, everyone else is disappearing on me. This is the longest time I’ve gone without hearing from both Paula and Jessie. I hope nothing’s wrong with Jessie! As for Paula, she’s definitely got to be either in jail or worse. Worse as in sick, hurt or dead. But my news search has turned up nothing. If she really were dead, that doesn’t necessarily mean it would be mentioned online, though. People pay for obituaries, and I can’t imagine anyone paying for an obituary for her if she really is dead. All I know is that while she may hate to write, she wouldn’t go this long without calling unless something was wrong.

It’s been a month since Jessie’s emailed me and she usually doesn’t go longer than two weeks. My guess is that she’s got job and maybe even man problems. Maybe her hubby had a relapse. Hopefully, nothing’s wrong with her kids.

It’s kind of weird. First my parents disappear, then Paula, now Jessie. That’s a lot of people to have disappeared from your life. I hope Mary won’t be next!

I jumped up two-tenths of a pound to 142.0, and am kind of taking the day off. Everybody needs at least one day off a week from dieting so long as they don’t veer too far off track. I’ve been incredibly hungry! So hungry that there’s not much I can do about it, but wait it out. This is because I let myself get so damn hungry that nothing I eat satisfies me. But I’m also no longer used to shoveling in large quantities of food anymore, so I just try to find a reasonable balance somewhere in between.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 2008 I’m still being woken up at times by that damn motorcycle if he revs it up when I’m lying on my good ear. The way the sound reverberates underneath the house is really fucking annoying. So instead of running the sound machine through the stereo, I created white noise on the stereo by having it on a radio station that isn’t on a radio station. Then, so I have both high and low pitches, I put the sound machine on the bed and will play that on the lowest sound it can make. I’m sure my sleep will still be as cursed as it has been since 1992, but I like to try new things anyway. The problem with the sound machine or the white noise alone is that it doesn’t have a wide range of pitches and so that’s why I need to run both. I need higher pitches to drown out movement Tom may make inside the house, and lower pitches to override the rumbling of that fucking motorcycle.

The good news is that I’m down to 141.8 pounds. I hadn’t bothered dieting for a while and so my usual monthly high was 147.something right before my period, and 142.something right after it. Then I went back on my homemade “Timer Diet,” where I eat 5 times a day with 3-hour intervals in between. All but one of the things I eat has to be 125 calories or less, then I can have whatever I want for a main meal and beverages. I’ve been having 2 fruit cups, 2 low-cal muffins, and a generous TV dinner. I was 147.something 4 days ago, then for 3 days in a row, I was 142.6. Each month, if I can get my monthly high to be my old monthly low, then I’ve got it made. So that means that right before my next period which is due September 11th, I don’t want to be over 142.6 pounds.

I’ve also been jogging through the place in combination with bouncing on my exercise ball for about 20 minutes a day. The good thing about it is knowing that I dropped my weight. Not a poverty spell, not some evil foster mother, nor any nasty jail food, but me! I did this myself.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 2008 My day wasn’t off to a great start. After 6 failed attempts to boot into Windows, I jumped over to OSX for a while. Then I couldn’t figure out how to get back into Windows. Once I finally remembered, it took me two tries before I made it in. There are so many things I hate and love about Windows and OSX. I wish I could have it all in one reliable place! I hate computers as much as I love them and haven’t been able to imagine life without them since ’93.

Our weekly shoot-out began at 6:00 this evening and lasted about 15 minutes. This time I spoke with Jesse, and as it turns out, he’s not such a bad guy, just dumb at times. Unfortunately, though, he didn’t hear the shots because he’d just walked in the door when I called which was several minutes after the last round of shots.

No, there isn’t a hunting season around here, so no, they shouldn’t be shooting, he says. He said we may hear shots on July 4th or New Year’s Eve, but there hasn’t been a problem since a long time ago when some renter in back was shooting and the neighbors, also renters, called the cops on them. Well, as I told him, I don’t scare easily, but this makes me nervous because I worry that they’re going to hit the house. We don’t know if they know what they’re doing or if they’re just a bunch of drunks without a care in the world for those around them. They must not care that much since they’re shooting in the first place, experienced and sober or not. This is the kind of racket you make in the city, so what they’re doing out here is a mystery to me.

Jesse said he’d go and talk to the renters, which he did before coming to talk to me. The renters behind the bedroom side of our place said that new renters next to them, which would be behind the kitchen end of the place, recently moved in and they were the ones doing the shooting (funny how they move in right after we do). So anyway, Jesse’s going to have a talk with them. He said something about finding his dog down there one time where his property line ends. He said he’s the only one in this area with 9 acres (we jumped up an acre) and that the other parcels are smaller. So there are a lot of rentals in back. Another curse we still can’t escape; having to live with evil renters. I’m just glad these aren’t just a few feet away, and I hope the shooting stops soon! He also said the shooters have 3 or 4 dogs, which explains the increase in nighttime and early morning barking Tom insists has been coming from in back. Again, ain’t it funny how trouble moves in if we don’t move in with it first? Jesse says he tries to keep his dogs quiet but hasn’t much luck with that when there’s a full moon because that’s when more things come out.

He said to call the cops if it ever got bad, not that I’d ever want to call those corrupt things. Speaking of those little corruptos, one came knocking on Jesse’s door at 2am the other night, looking for someone. He asked if the cops were here. Fortunately not. What was weird was that the pig walked up rather than drove up. At that hour it sounds like someone must’ve escaped from jail or something. Or a drunk driver booked and ran.

Anyway, I appreciate his taking care of this situation, or at least trying to. As pesty as he can be, and despite the shooting, I’d still rather be here than in the city. I feel like we’re less alone with him just up the hill. So even though I’d still rather have a house of our own, I can’t believe he wouldn’t work with us if there ever was a financial crisis again, though I sure as hell hope there isn’t! Also, it’s hard to believe he wouldn’t put us up in a motel or in a room in his house if something ever went wrong with this place. I even told Jesse I wouldn’t mind being here forever if I never won enough money to buy a house of our own. That got me thinking, too. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could one day buy this section of land from him if we really couldn’t ever buy our own place? I wonder if he’d be willing to work out some kind of payment plan with us. Then once the land was paid for, maybe we could build or buy something newer and nicer and have this old trailer hauled out.

What I don’t get is why I can never see any lights glowing in back at night. Especially when there’s no moon. It’s cool that I can’t, though, as I like it pitch black at night.

I’m also wondering about some of the night sounds we’ve been hearing. We always write them off as animals, but what if the time Tom said it sounded like something was walking across the boards in back was really them spying? What if they drove or walked up the little road that leads to the drive, then walked down here when there was just enough moonlight to see their way around, but not enough to be spotted?

He said the water’s now drinkable, which is good cuz I like to have the option of both bottled and tap water. He said he went down and checked and that the well was doing better. But pests will be pests, so that means he’ll still be coming around. He’s going to install a water filter (yeah I knew there’d be something else once the well was working better), plus he’ll be down in a couple of weeks to finish the roof. Says he’s got to cut the metal sheets first.

I gave him our cell number and explained why that would be the best number to call for non-emergencies, though I’m not sure he gets it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20, 2008 In the 3 years and 3 months I’ve been sweeping, I’ve had 6 big wins. A Caribbean cruise, $2500, a trip to Italy, a large high-def TV, $9000, and a 3K Apple shopping spree. That’s an average of one big win every 6 months. So I hope this means I’ll win big again before the year is out, seeing that I won the Apple shopping spree in May. I wasn’t notified till June, though.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2008 Got a surprisingly generous coffee sample from Starbucks. This sample will easily make about 10 cups! I’ve joined a sample site and so every day I sign up to receive free samples in the mail.

I learned how to do headers in my tell-all journal in my word processor so I could set it up to display entry titles (it centers and bolds the text). It doesn’t open that day when you click on it, though, since it’s all on the same page. I just like the idea of entry titles like on Kiwi. I put them under the dates. I’m going back and doing my entire California journal, but not the others. It’d take forever to go through 20 years’ worth of journals!

Tom doesn’t expect to hear from anyone about jobs until next week. I’m just glad paying September’s rent appears to be no problem! It’s always tough when changing jobs, so unless we’re surprised with him landing a better-paying job than we expect, I’m sure I’ll just move on to worry about October’s rent after that.

So far my top 3 favorite Kiwiers are Jasmine, Alison and RainbowLesbian, whose real name is Jessica. They’re all gay. Well, Alison’s bi. Jasmine and I comment on each other’s journals daily, but Alison and Jessica aren’t online every day. Jessica and I have been reading and commenting more on each other’s journals lately, and she just told me she loves my story journal. I was like, wow, really?! So Alison’s not the only one reading them after all.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been here almost as long as we were in motels! The time really does pass by faster when you’re in a better place.

MONDAY, AUGUST 18, 2008 Once again, I was hungry and homeless in my dreams last night, but at least my allergy problems have stopped. I haven’t taken the snot spray in quite a while now. But are they better because the spells worked, or because whatever was out there causing them has ceased to exist? Hmmm…guess I’ll never know for sure. I’m just glad I’m not sneezing like crazy anymore!

Due to the temperature being down a bit I had to hear a few barking spells. And Tom thought it was a time-of-day thing. I’m still pretty sure it’s a temperature thing, though.

I hate these rats. Not enough to dump them, but I sure miss having sociable rats that like to be handled. These things are just way too timid, and trying to get them to return home after running around loose is next to impossible. I’m not even letting them out today. They’ve really gone and abused that privilege. Maybe if they suffer from being cooped up for a while, they’ll realize that abusing their freedom means they lose it, but these rats are just incredibly dumb for rats. We’ve never had rats this dumb before. They may miss coming out, but they’re hardly suffering in reality. They manage to play and keep themselves entertained at home.

I hope that when Tom gets home in a couple of hours he’ll have emails and even phone calls to tell me about pertaining to new job possibilities. Better yet, I’d love for him to get an actual interview!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 2008 Got a missed call this morning from a blocked number, but Tom says he gets those all the time. I still don’t expect to hear from Andy, but whatever’s meant to be will be. Unless Marla didn’t get the letter, though, perhaps she just has yet to get a hold of him to tell him about it, or maybe he’s taking his time to think about it.

Now that I’ve found this really cool online journal, I don’t have much to say lately. I guess that’s a good thing, though, cuz usually, when I have a lot to say, it’s not very good.

I just hope Tom gets a job real soon and that we get our savings back up. I’d like to always have at least a couple of grand after the rent’s been paid. That way, if the transmission went out on the car or something like that, we’d be covered. If it went out right now, though, we’d be pretty damn screwed.

I just wish I could stop worrying that the past is going to return to haunt us! Nearly losing your life really leaves your emotions pretty tangled up. I’m more appreciative of the good things, but I’m always paranoid and worrying, too. I’m still having “motel nightmares,” and I know it’ll probably be a while before they back off. The same thing happened after jail. I had all kinds of dreams about being stuck back there, and now I’m stuck back in that damn motel room all over again, writing my “death note,” giving details of what happened and family contact info for whoever was to find our bodies.

sighs I think I’ll go try to work on my book for a while.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16, 2008 Finally, a good win! Not a biggie, but a goodie. I got Flirtatious perfume worth $35. What’s interesting is that the contest ran for a long time, 6 months, and I was the only winner! Guess that’s the difference between a 1½-star non-premium sweep and a 5-star premium sweep. It’s got a nice sweet, sugary smell, and reminds me of cotton candy. I wonder if these are the same people who were supposed to send the Glamourazzi perfume. Maybe they sent this instead by accident, but it doesn’t matter either way, cuz this one smells great.

Tom tried to install and run parallels on my computer so I could use both OSX and Windows, but it corrupted my word processor and we had to reload it. That’s when I said fuck OSX! I’m not going to bother with it at all. I’ll just stick with what’s been working for me, and Tom seems to have solved the boot-up crashing problem I was having. He just needed to update a certain program.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 15, 2008 Another scorching hot day. I wish it was this way year-round. Keeps things quieter, too. Of course, I can’t say what’s been going on at 3am, since I haven’t been up that late in a while. It wouldn’t surprise me, though, if the dogs were going at least a little crazy. I still think it’ll be just the opposite in the winter with the dogs barking during the daytime and quiet at night.

I haven’t been winning much lately which is a real bummer. Is it compensation for winning big a couple of months ago? Or is it compensation for another big win to come?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 2008 Alison gave me positive feedback when reviewing Angel Eyes. I’m surprised she liked it so much! If I had to judge my stories, I’d vote it as one of my worst. Even Tom couldn’t get into it. I’m glad she pointed out the few mistakes I made, too.

I hope the dork up the hill will tell us when he’s switched us back over to the well. Judging by how clear the water in the toilet bowl looks, I’d say there’s a good chance he did. I just wish he’d call to say so if I’m right so I can drink the tap water again, but no, he has to come down in person and bug us that way for everything.

Tom says they’re now short one person on the third shift and that they hope they switch him to it so he’d have more time during the daytime to look for a new job. I can’t believe they even have a third shift still with all the business they’ve lost!

I just hope whatever’s up there won’t let us suffer financially until he does have a new job. I’m tired of money being an issue so often in our lives. Enough is enough!

It was really hot today, around 100º.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2008 Tom passed the DMV test, which is good, but he has to wait till his license is mailed to him. I just hope it doesn’t take long, even though he’s already got proof enough that he’s an Auburn resident and can therefore start hauling shit to the dump. More importantly, I hope he finds a job closer to home with benefits! He can start putting in applications early next week, which he says is the best time to submit them.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2008 I still do what I’ve been doing best since we came here – worrying about money. That’s the sucky side of having a tragic experience nearly kill you. While you appreciate things all the more if you survive, you always fear the past is going to return to haunt you. Unless we struck it rich, I think I’ll always worry that we’ll one day be faced with either the streets or death, but at least we’d be a lot more comfortable dying here than on a motel room floor, if God forbid, we were ever cursed enough to have our only other choice be to live on the streets. We could go right here in bed without having to worry about interference as long as we did it at night when Jesse was less likely to show up. I just hope God wouldn’t allow us to ever again be put in such a terrifying predicament! He’s allowed enough shit to happen to us as it is! And I hate to think of what He may be putting Paula through right now. Jessie, on the other hand, is no doubt just busy as hell.

Tom decided to go to the DMV here in Auburn tomorrow, rather than by the Carmichael box today because from what he could see online, he should only have a 10-minute wait. Then on the 15th, he’ll return one last time to Carmichael and close that box out for good. Then he shouldn’t ever again have to go to that area.

I hope I’ll feel better once he’s settled in a new job somewhere and that we don’t struggle too badly until he is! Right now I feel like we’re never going to have any real security in life. If only I could win a few grand right now. Our savings is just about gone so a cash win would help. A fellow Kiwier recommended a couple of paid email/survey sites that really do pay you for your time without telling you that you don’t qualify after you waste time on their surveys, but it doesn’t pay much. Them making Tom lose nearly a week of work really hurt us probably more than he’ll ever admit for fear of me worrying even more. I still fear that money will be a problem for us for the rest of our lives. At least for the most part. If God hadn’t gone and cursed me with such a freak sleep disorder and driving phobia, then we’d probably hardly ever have any problems. None that serious anyway. I still have to wonder, what kind of God does this to a person? Why does He hate me so much to inflict that upon me along with all the other problems I’ve had? I keep thinking there’s got to be a reason, that I’ve got to have done something to deserve it, but I’m not sure what. There are people out there with faults far worse than mine that have much easier lives.

Alison said she’s in the middle of Angel Eyes and likes it very much, and I have another subby for my day-to-day journal.

Later…

I was laying around thinking that it was a bummer that my friends are so far away and that our families are the way they are, not just to help us out of any jams we may get into, but because it makes me feel we’re all the more alone in this world. Tom doesn’t feel as I do, but sometimes I just feel so alone.

Then I burst into tears, not so much because of that, but because feelings of guilt over dumping Andy nearly a decade ago hit me like never before. I’ve had my guilty moments over the years and have thought of contacting him at times, but always figured he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, not that I’d blame him. Walking away from my family was one thing as they were abusive to me, but walking away from Andy simply because he could be annoying at times and we’d grown so different was cruel and I’m sorry I ever did such a thing.

So I searched online, got nothing new in Massachusetts, and 3 addresses I’ve known him to live in Phoenix that I can’t imagine he’d still be at after all these years. That’s when I struggled to remember Marla’s last name. Fortunately, I did and found an address for her in Hayward where I remember her to live. I don’t know if she’s still there, but I decided to send a letter there, letting her know how bad I feel over what I did, and asking that she pass along my contact info. I enclosed my email address and cell number, and of course the address is on the envelope. Not knowing if she’d get the letter, I didn’t go into much of what’s gone on with us but simply said we left Arizona, lived in Oregon, and are now in California. As I told her, if all I could do was say “I’m sorry,” that would be better than nothing even if he chose not to contact me. I asked her to tell him that I love him, think of him a lot, and hope he’s happy and healthy in every way possible.

So what do I think will happen at this point? Well, if Marla gets the letter, I’m pretty sure she’ll pass it on to Andy, but I’m not sure Andy will respond. Guess all I can do is leave that to fate and hope for the best. Maybe add a few prayers, too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 2008 Once again I tried OSX, Mac’s operating system, and once again it sucks. I should’ve known better than to bother paying for its pitiful version of Robo I thought I might be able to fine-tune. We’re going to get the $35 we wasted on it back. It’s only got a couple of cool features like the webcam and the reader. The reader not only reads text right in the document rather than copies it to a clipboard, but it also has some pretty funky voices. One sang a letter I typed to Mary to the tune of Pomp & Circumstance. I also liked how you can put it to sleep rather than shut it down, whereas the best I can do with Windows is hibernate it. Other than that, everything else sucked. I can’t think of one other good thing about it. The things that are normally such simple tasks to perform were either a bitch or totally impossible. You can’t even do color schemes or change cursors!

I’m swapping comments with Jasmine just about every day in regards to entries, and in the last two days, I’ve heard from Key too, regarding my bitching about OSX, which she herself uses.

I just get sick of those Kiwiers that always have to be on top. They constantly “edit” their journal just so it’s in the top 20, which is all they show.

One girl left an entry that included a couple of sites that pays people to read emails. She said she got $60 that she transferred to her PayPal account. They pay every month. I sent a note asking how long she’s been a member. If she had to read 10,000 emails to get the $60, then I’m not so sure it’s worth it. But it is free, so the worst I can get is spammed to hell and I already do, thanks to those running contests that feel obligated to pass people’s emails on to everyone in the world.

Haven’t heard from Jessie in ages. No calls, no emails, no nothing. I hope she’s just busy and that nothing’s wrong.

Tom and I went to Walmart and shopped to the usual tune of unruly kids.

Now that he got his birth certificate, the next step is getting a license. That means it’s off to wait forfuckingever at the MVD tomorrow. Then hopefully – hopefully – if God is with us Tom will get a new job closer to home that offers benefits that won’t cost half his income to receive!

I should add that I haven’t heard from Paula in ages. She’s always been a little out of it, but she never used to go this long without writing or calling. I hope she’s ok, too. I checked for any news online and came up empty. I hope she’s not sick or in jail! She no longer has her cell phone.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 2008 I hate this Apple PC! Better yet I hate running Windows on it cuz it takes forever to boot up! It boots and crashes, boots and crashes, over and over again. I’ve got to have him switch me to the Mac’s own operating system. The only sucky thing is that the Robo that works with it is beyond shitty. I’m basically going to have to fill out forms myself because it’s so half-assed, and practically give up everything else I do. I’ll edit my sweeps down a bit, but it’ll still be a huge amount of work.

Two nights ago I dreamt I won $500. Hope that means I’m sitting on a good one!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8, 2008 Tom has the next 4 days off, and this time he’ll be paid for it!

No one called back about the shooting, but I wonder, could it be Jesse? He’s got to own at least part of the ditch area to have a well there, he wasn’t home when I called (although I heard someone drive in not long afterward), so it makes me wonder. Tom doesn��t think so and he doesn’t think there’s a hunting season around here either. I hope he’s right and that someone puts a stop to whoever it is. If it’s a bunch of crazy drunks having a good time, then I not only have to worry about being woken up and annoyed by the noise when I am awake, but then I also have to worry about the house being hit as well.

I wonder why no one called if only to say they didn’t know anything about it. Maybe because it really was him or they were offended by my complaining about there being barking “all around here,” and knew that I was talking about his dogs. I was, but there’s one in back somewhere that can be just as annoying.

Anyway, it’s been dead quiet all day today.

In case I haven’t already said so, I’m done updating my autobiography for who knows how many years. I just hope that the next update won’t include anything nearly as bad as last fall!!! I still wonder how we survived it.

Alison hasn’t been turned against me by the immature assholes on KB. In fact, she’s had issues with Amber, too. She was not only busy but unable to access kiwinotes for a while. Yeah, some people were complaining about that, but fortunately that wasn’t one of the many problems I had. I still love Kiwi as much as I hate it. I mean, I hate the site’s layout, it’s very tricky to navigate and is set up by a bunch of dumb-ass amateurs, but it’s still lots of fun. I just wish they had a better prize selection and a more straightforward setup.

Alison subbied to my main journal and says she’ll catch up on my stories soon. She and Jasmine are definitely my favorites there.

The Olympics are to be held in Beijing this year and I’m looking forward to watching the gymnastics online. That’s my favorite of the summer games, as figure skating is of the winter games.

Won a $20 Kmart Gift Card from the Kmart Hulk Text2Win Promotion.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2008 Oh, that fucking rude asshole up the hill! The dog’s fucking whining its ass off. How utterly rude of him to let this happen every single fucking morning! He lets the big one bark at 3am, and the other one whines early in the morning. It is so damn obnoxious! How can he stand it himself? And how can he not give a damn about us? He knows damn well Tom sleeps in. Just because Tom’s a heavy sleeper doesn’t make this rudeness ok. It’s annoying as hell to hear even when we’re up. I was a little worried my music was too loud, but you know what? I don’t give a damn anymore if he hears me or not! I just don’t fucking give a damn! I hear his motors, his dogs, so fuck him. Just fuck him!

I knew this place seemed too good to be true. I’m already looking for other places. Not actively seeking to move, but just keeping my eyes open as to what’s out there. If we can get a place that doesn’t have a well or the owner living on the land, and that has direct mail and trash service without the nearest neighbor being an arm’s length away, it may be worth looking into if it’s comparable in rent. I hate to move again, but I can’t ask my own landlord to shut his dogs up and leave us the hell alone to live in peace. The best I can do is enclose a note with the next rent payment asking that he call when it comes to non-emergencies and hope he has the decency to do so. It’s just that 90% of the things he’s coming down for are emergencies and I’m getting sick of his little emergencies, real or not, and the fucking dogs! He’s coming down here more than Scot came to the Maricopa house! More than I ever had any invited company in Phoenix or back east. Part of the reason we wanted seclusion was to keep people away from our door like religious and salespeople. Instead, we’ve got this little shit bugging us every 1-2 weeks. Yet if I complain he’ll probably just be like, “Well, I own this place, you don’t. So if you don’t like it, leave, and I’ll find new renters.” I personally would try to please my renters just as I would my customers if I had a store, but that’s just me and I know most people aren’t like that. They’d rather simply not deal with those who aren’t happy. Period. I may not be unhappy, but I’m not happy lately either, and you know how Tom is. He’d rather me be annoyed than open my mouth. He’s paranoid that complaining, no matter how kindly we went about it, would get us tossed out. Yeah, but WE’RE the ones paying HIM!

I know one thing for sure and that’s that he’s full of shit about going back to work. Yeah, when? When has he been working? Unless he’s working an hour or two each day or smashed another finger, we see vehicles up there all the time when we come and go.

And the motorcycle story Maryann told us when we first came to see the place just doesn’t jive. I don’t know why it took 4 months for it to hit me, but if someone was going to steal his motorcycle, why would they leave it at the end of the road? Wouldn’t they take it somewhere else if they were going to keep it, or sell it if they wanted to sell it? That sounds like a revenge thing. Like Jesse did something to piss the last people off. They may’ve been jerks, but it sounds like Jesse did some shit himself.

Later…

The trigger-happy psycho’s back in the ditch. Yeah, I figured it would be. There were only 3 shots fired this time, but what if I was asleep? I’d not only be woken up for damn sure, but it’s so damn annoying to listen to when I’m awake! It puts the Maricopa shots to shame, right along with Jesse’s ATV and beasts.

I really wanted to know if Jesse knew what was up with this, so I called up there but got no answer. So I left Maryann a message and added that lately there’s been “barking all-around” late at night and early morning. I figured that was a good time to subtly yet obviously let them know it bothers me. I added that I was “surprised” and wondered where it came from, hoping it’d stop soon. I told her there was no hurry getting back to us and that she could call either the landline or Tom’s cell. Anyway, I’d guess it is legal and that hunting season started after the 1st. Nice of them to tell us if that really is the case, huh? Now I’ll have to deal with that as often as I have to deal with dumb shit coming down here. Wish he could be a gorgeous woman to make his visits a little more worth it!

I told Tom why I thought the motorcycle story sounded like a crock, and he thinks they did try to steal it and that they wheeled it down the drive. But once they realized it was too heavy to lift up into a vehicle, they just left it there.

I’m sorry they failed to succeed, even though he’d have just gone and gotten a new one.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6, 2008 Once again we’re back to playing water games. Starting late last night the pressure has been low. Right on time, too. No wonder he can’t keep renters for long. I can hear him on the ATV going to and from the well, but I still wonder how much of these near-weekly problems are of his own fabrication as an excuse to come down here. If he’s that paranoid of us, why doesn’t he just plop a hidden camera on the hillside and keep an eye on us that way?

And I’m getting sick of the late-night/early-morning barking, too! Arrrggghhh!

Well, I’ll be damned. I just up and peed and found the water pressure back to normal. Ah, but I’m sure he’ll just have to come down anyway.

Later…

Right on time. Yeah, dumb cock came ATVing down to tell us he filled the tank with ditch water (though we haven’t been hooked up to the ditch), so don’t drink the water. Tom then asked if he had the landline number so he could “save himself a trip” next time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he were too stupid to get that what that really means is STOP COMING DOWN HERE! Yet I’m sure he’ll be back anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks to hook us up to the ditch as he continues to be too stupid to get his floats straight. That’s what Tom’s pretty sure is the problem. What I didn’t know myself was that when we were hooked up to the ditch, that was actually a shallow well. I had thought it was just a pump sitting down in the ditch itself. Anyway, living here is still way better than being in the city, but between his stupidity and the barking I’d really love to thread the dog’s tails down his throat and out his ass, then bury all 3 of them in the hillside and take over the land ourselves! Man, I wish we owned it. The only good thing about not owning it is not having to pay to fix things.

Meanwhile, if he continues to come down for non-emergencies (although it’s quite a coincidence the amazing amount of emergencies he has), I’ll call Maryann and explain to her that hey, I don’t think he understands that one of us is on nights half the time and a very light sleeper. And so I get woken up half the time he comes down. I’ll also see what she has to say about the barking too, though if they barked last night I wouldn’t know it. I slept until 5am. One of them whines for a few minutes every morning between 6:30 - 7:30, presumably because it hears him getting up. The barking’s not nearly as annoying as him coming down here (as long as it doesn’t go on for hours or many times a day) because my sound machine is loud enough to keep it from waking me up. The ATV, however, is not.

I just wonder how much longer this shit with the well is going to go on, and what will come next after that? Even more so, I wonder how much of it is intentional so he has an excuse to come down.

Tom’s allergies are bugging him today. Mine, amazingly, isn’t going off today even though I went out yesterday. Maybe this snot spray really does help!

We went to pick up the mail yesterday. The package was just a light bulb. Man, I ain’t winning shit lately, and when I do, it seems I don’t get the prize! The question is, is this compensation for the Apple win? Or am I sitting on another biggie?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2008 I got the lip gloss from Kiwi. It’s just so-so, right along with the temp tat and rings I got. I almost wish I could get back the points I used for these things, but I wanted to try them anyway. The lip gloss is flavorless and doesn’t provide much moisture at all, the tat wore off almost as fast as I applied it, and the purple ring is too dark.

Another night of scattered barking. I’m getting closer to calling up there and asking what’s up with that and seeing if he can put the damn dogs on the other side of the house if he’s not going to take them indoors. I just hope it isn’t a temperature thing! If it is it’ll be like being back in the city from December through February.

I received another OLS friend request after commenting on this lady’s personal quote that I liked. Something to the effect of being happier when she’s worrying about what’s going on in her own life versus the lives of strangers. As I told her, I not only totally agree, but I don’t understand why so many people think things should be one way or another. Take gay marriage and abortion, for example. Why not let those who want these things get them, and those who don’t not get them? We don’t only sell one flavor of ice cream simply because not everyone likes other flavors.

Anyway, I had to laugh (not directly to her, of course) when I read that she’s been sweeping since 1985 and her biggest prize was 5 grand. And here I’ve been sweeping since 2005 and my biggest prize was 9 grand! Once again, not everyone’s psychic. I just wish I could get good enough to win a house or at least enough money to buy one outright! The first of 3 home giveaways just expired. On the 15th will be another one, then a million-dollar house in Florida expires on 9/30. They’re all dailies.

Nothing exciting in the mail, though there is an oversized package awaiting us. It could be anything from a package to a large envelope containing these damn travel packages I get to his birth certificate. Unless it’s something way good, we hope it’s the certificate for which they finally took the money. Hopefully, soon enough he can get the hell out of the shithole he’s working in now and into something closer that’ll provide benefits. Again, we don’t care if it pays shitty. Sure we’d rather it didn’t, but getting him closer to home so we can save on gas and getting me to a dentist and ear doctor is more important right now. Wish I could win at least a grand just to cover all the co-payments when this finally happens, if it ever really does, before I’m 65 and automatically insured in 23 more years!

MONDAY, AUGUST 4, 2008 The rats got so huge that we decided to move them into one of the bigger cages, the first one we got. So Tom pulled it out of the shed and I cleaned it in the tub with the shower massager and set it up for them. They seem much happier now that they’ve got more room to play in. It’ll be a little more work for me cleaning-wise, but they’re worth it, even though these aren’t the greatest rats we’ve ever had. They don’t bite which is most important.

It was a bad dog night there for a while. Around 2:00 the dogs went off for about 10 minutes, plus there were scattered barks afterward. I don’t think it was just them either. I still think someone recently moved down in the ditch somewhere, so Jesse must not own that entire area. That’d explain the lunchtime food smells Tom’s smelled lately, the gunshots, and increased barking. I know most people think it’s A-OK to leave dogs outdoors 24/7 and to make as much racket as they want, but how do people sleep through such noise? And how can they have no courtesy to their neighbors whatsoever?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 2008 I’m almost finished updating my autobiography. It’ll be a few more days before it’s all posted on Kiwi.

Last night I dreamt Tom was working the numbers and said the money was “dwindling.” It’s dreams like this that can be scary to someone known to have dream premonitions, but he assured me everything was fine. I hope so! Especially since it wasn’t here. It was in a big old house in New York of all places.

While I still don’t believe there’s any future with the horses, Tom’s learning a new programming language that runs on the new Mac. He’s encouraged, saying he’s learned that it’s not as complex as he thought it would be.

I had my first two wins of the month already. A sample of Colgate Total toothpaste, and an $88 beauty kit. It contains shower gels, lotions, cleansers, toners – stuff I love.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2008 I was pissed today, now yesterday, for a couple of reasons. First, I was woken up by gunshots of all things. Yeah, there’s always got to be something cursing my sleep. It sounded like a pistol down in the ditch, but I never saw anything. As far as we know you’re not allowed to fire a gun in this area, and also, hunting season would never be during fire season. Fortunately, it didn’t go on for long, but now that’s one more thing I gotta worry about waking me when I’m on nights.

Jesse said the tank still wasn’t filling well when Tom called to let him know the rent was in his box. He didn’t say anything about the roof or anything else, but I’m sure he’ll be down here for something soon enough.

I still hear a few scattered barks here and there between 11pm – 7am, but nothing overwhelming lately.

The other thing that pissed me off was the mail people at the jail. I sent a letter with a sheet of 7 small pictures on it and specifically enclosed a note asking that they not return the letter to me if the enclosed picture sheet wasn’t acceptable due to the cost of stamps these days and that they just disregard the picture sheet, but what did the assholes do? Well, they returned the whole thing of course. They enclosed a little note of their own saying “pic size.” Tom said I should’ve cut them up so it wouldn’t be seen as a collage, but how could they have seen it as a collage? The pictures in a collage touch and overlap. This was clearly several pictures on one sheet of paper, not one big picture. Would it really have been all that hard for them to pick up a pair of scissors and cut them out if that was the problem? I don’t think that was the problem, though. Remember, I was kind of famous too, so they no doubt recognized my name and are going to fuck with me no matter what.

Tom suggested I cut them up and try again, but no way! I’m not going to play games with these people. As long as it’s me sending pictures in, they’ll be returned no matter what. Hell, they’ll say the colors are too damn bright or something, and we don’t need our time and money thrown away like that. I totally should’ve known better. I really should have. Therefore we’re back to waiting for her to get out of there if she ever does. They’ll look so much better on a computer anyway. If Nathan can get some in to her from Webshots, more power to him.

[beardedmrbean]

Gunmen have killed at least 20 people at a coal mine in Balochistan province in southwestern Pakistan, according to local police.

The attackers stormed the workers' accommodation at the Junaid Coal Company mines in the province's Duki district in the early hours of Friday morning, rounded the men up and opened fire.

A hospital in Duki has received 20 bodies and is treating six injured people, reported Reuters.

The workers were attacked with heavy weapons, including rocket launchers and grenades, police said, while one survivor described seeing a drone overhead.

Subcontractor Hafeezullah told the BBC he spotted the drone and its red light as he and a number of others hid in the bathroom.

“When the attackers got closer they shouted ‘we told you to stop work here, why didn’t you?’,” he told the BBC. He said the attackers spoke in Pashto. “Then they opened fire.”

Hafeezullah estimates the attack, which he says started just after midnight, lasted for about an hour and a half, during which time machinery was set alight. He also heard loud explosions, which he thinks were grenades exploding.

Asim Shafi, police chief in Duki district, confirmed to news agency AFP both hand grenades and rocket launchers were used in the attack, which is believed to have been carried out by as many as 40 people who then disappeared "into the night".

Police confirmed that four of the victims were Afghans, while the rest of the men were from Pashto-speaking areas of Balochistan.

Hafeezullah says he lost several friends in the attack.

"When I left, there were people lying on the ground," he said.

No group has claimed responsibility for the killings so far. In the past, the separatist Baloch Liberation Army (BLA) has carried out several deadly attacks in the province.

Mine owner Khairullah Nasar told news agency Reuters they had been getting "threats from the militants for some time, but there was no information about the attack".

Friday's attack is the latest to be carried out in recent days, and comes just ahead of the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation, a major security summit being hosted in the Pakistani capital Islamabad next week.

On Monday, a BLA militant killed two Chinese nationals and injured at least 10 people in a suicide attack near Karachi airport.

The group, which pushes for an independent Balochistan, also committed multiple attacks in August that killed more than 50 people. Pakistani authorities responded by killing 21 insurgents in the province.

The latest attack on the miners drew condemnation from Balochistan's chief minister Sarfraz Bugti, who said the attackers had an agenda to destabilise Pakistan.

“The terrorists have once again targeted poor labourers... the killing of these innocent laborers will be avenged,” he said in a statement.

Balochistan is home to several separatist groups, who accuse the central government of exploiting the resource-rich province.

The militants often target security forces, as well as people who have come to work at the province's many mining and infrastructure projects.

As well as enhancing security measures, Pakistani authorities will reportedly be curbing movements of Chinese citizens during the summit, due to the security risk from militant groups targeting them.

[ephemedux]

I'm not an artist.

I‘ve never drawn in the whole my life. Except for that one time in high school when I drew a boul of plums with watercolors and I was absolutely blown away by how beautiful it turned out and extremely sad that I’ve never properly learned to draw. “And, well, too late to start now” - thought 17-year-old me back then.

A couple of thousands of years later, when I adulted up, I saw Pewdiepie’s video about him drawing every day for 100 days. And then a million videos of copying that video or reacting to that video. YouTube is a very original space nowadays. And I wondered: What if? There won’t be grades or payoffs, and I can drop it whenever I get too depressed with my inability to convey any ideas into pictures. I was simply curious about how it would turn out with me. So I decided to draw every day for a month. But first, I should get the sketchbook, and new pencil, and an eraser. There was no way I could draw anything with that common stationery I already had!

I got a sketchbook and that was my first day:

Ok, actually this was my first ever day👇. I made it just a day or two before I got a ‘special’ sketchbook.

It looks like I indeed can’t draw without new tools 🙂

I managed to stick to the schedule more or less, missing a day or two and then catching up (which apparently is a major win for my inconsistent as head). Pretty quickly I found out that I have a weak visual imagination because I was constantly struggling with what to draw today. So I started to follow some basic lessons.

Besides that, I was mostly copying someone else’s art. I was aiming more for a funny and cartoony style. It’s definitely much easier to make pictures in those styles look appealing, rather than something in a realistic style. Though still very hard for me.

Also, I tried to do some studies on facial expressions.

Human bodies.

And especially chibies, as I need them for one of my projects (wink-wink).

Anyway, the month ended (technically that was one and a half months), and this experiment caused a major influx of my drawing supplies (I even bought a workbook about how to draw 50 faces), made me realize that I can make some art and UI for my games myself, and born some drawing project ideas in my head. And also helped me come up with two major convictions.

Well, it actually took more than that one and a half months, it also took about four months after to crystalize those two in my head. Anyway, first of them:

“Without mastering your skills you purely rely on the whims of your mood.”

Some days I made something cool, no matter was it copying or some technical drawing or winding out something from my head; other days I could not draw at all! Every simple line was just odd. My assumption - it was because of the lack of skills: if I’d had more experience and established muscle memory of drawing, it would be, well, at least less fluctuated in quality. Much less. Without that, it was a result of how much energy my brain was ready to spend on focusing. And my brain doesn’t like doing that in general.

The second conviction was:

“I am not used to enjoying the process, I want the result. And I want it now!”

I mean, I like drawing, but I was always focusing on the result of the drawing, not on the process. I wanted to finish every drawing as quickly as possible to get the finished piece. And after some self-reflection, I realized that this applies to anything in my life. In the previous post, I’ve already touched on this matter, about the process of implementing an idea into a finished piece and that sometimes it could be boring. I mean, it looks boring to me, and ideally it shouldn’t. It isn’t. Because the Journey matters not the destination. And that is a problem in my mind, in my worldview. I should probably talk about that with a therapist or something. Anyway.

That was a very pleasant experience, and even though after that my drawing practices shrank majorly, I am still holding onto the idea of properly learning to draw. I found the whole study plan for Self-taught Artists and already started to follow it. The plan is full of, you know, ‘studying’ stuff, but so far so good. I will tell you about that when I finish at least the first module. And by now, here are two of my favorite pictures: one I just copied the thumbnail, and the other I made following the tutorial.

2. Because, you know, <3

[veetravelblog]

Milan & Venice, Italy

Our overnight train ride departed Munich at 8:00PM, I reserved a sleeper train on the OBB Railjet. The accommodations were as expected with our own private room, that can sleep up to four, I would not recommend it for four adults, but for two there is plenty of space. We brought snacks, sandwiches and wine for the ride which helped :) The trip was smooth and we were served breakfast in our cabin, shortly thereafter we arrived in Milan with little delay at 9:00AM.  I planned half a day in Milan that began with a couples massage at QCTermeMilano, a spa in the heart of the city that offers an array of relaxation rooms, thermal spas and saunas. After a much needed recharge I could not imagine a better way to spend our time, at about 2:00PM we ordered an Uber to take us to Milano Centrale to catch our train to our next destination Venice. 

For this leg of the trip I reserved two Business Class seats on the FrecciaRossa 1000 due to depart at 3:45PM for €98 (about $50 each), this proved to be the best train experience thus far; the business class cabin was very nice, seats were comfortable and the complimentary snack and drink selection included Prosecco and Italian beer. The train ride was an easy two and half hours, along some beautiful sceneries that changed from the urban view near Milan though the countryside and into the Gulf of Venice. Upon arriving to Venezia San Lucia, our hotel the Grand Canal Suites was conveniently located just across the canal from station. We checked in, dropped our bags and went off in search of some food and wine. Just around the corner from our hotel we found a small restaurant,Trattoria Agli Amici, we looked over the menu and quickly decided on the mussels and vino della casa bianco (white house wine) We were given a tip by our newly made Dutch friends in Germany “In Venice always order the house wine” they said “It may not be on the menu, it will always be delicious, served in a carafe and it will be cheaper than the cheapest bottle on the menu” needless to say they were right! Both items were delicious and our bill was €20 = $20! Being that this was our first taste of Venice it definitely set the bar high. The rest of our evening consisted of restaurant hopping and simply taking in the fact that we were in The City of Love. We found scrumptious prosciutto e melone at Osteria Leone Alto and ended the evening at Mira Hosteria to have dessert which was located just under our hotel with tables right alongside the Grand Canal. We would end up dining at Mira both evenings in Venice, it was that good! 

On our second day in Venezia we decided we would make our way over to Basilica di San Marco and Piazza San Marco or Saint Mark’s Square. In this same area you find the Palazzo Ducal or Doge’s Palace all iconic landmarks of Venice dating back to the 8th Century. Once you start walking towards San Marco and crossing the various walking bridges and canals the crowds begin to thicken. It is much like a labyrinth walking through Venice, I coined my husband with the name human compass because if I would have been alone I would have surely gotten lost! I am a C level conversational Italian speaker but when I mix that with my Argentinian Spanish I can pass for B+ so we were doing alright exploring the quintessential Venetian streets. The alleys and canals are breathtaking in themselves, to think how long they have been there and the talent and time it took to build this city is remarkable. Additionally, since there are zero motorized vehicles allowed there is a sense of peace and quiet, you do not see people even riding bicycles or scooters. Time just goes a bit slower in Venice and we enjoyed every minute. We stumbled upon Bacaro Jazz, the neon cocktail sign drew us in but the jazz music and giant house sangria container made us stay. It was a small venue with friendly bartenders and patrons, strung along the entire ceiling were hundreds if not at least a thousand bras, all different colors and sizes with notes on them from their past owners…I know what you must be thinking and the answer is no… I packed very light for this trip and fit everything in a carry-on and a backpack so my apparel was limited, I could not leave anything behind! (LOL)

At sunset time on our last night we checked an item off of our bucket list that I am sure many of us share, a Gondola ride. During the trip our Gondolier, Pietro shared a lot of great information with us about the town he lived in his entire life.  He let us know that each Gondolier owns his gondola and that there is a rigorous process including school, training, exams and internship before becoming a Gondolier. We asked about cost of living, and how much an apartment or home would cost monthly, he proceeded to shake his head “It has become very expensive” he said “a two bedroom furnished apartment in the heart of Venice would be €1000 per month” in that moment my husband and I looked at each other and gave each other a small nod almost as if to say “huh, not bad actually” As our sunset ride turned into night we ended the jaunt on a high note, as we fantasized about living in Venice for a year or two…

On our last day we checked out, stored our luggage and went out for breakfast at a nearby cafe. We decided that before our 3:00PM train we would walk around a bit and find Cacio e Pepe to eat for lunch it translates to literally mean “cheese and pepper” Anthony Bourdain (rest in peace) had this dish in Italy and claimed to have been the “best thing he’s ever eaten” We embarked on our quest and did not have much luck for a little while until a restaurant host advised that there was a place just over a nearby bridge that serves it.  Upon arriving to this said restaurant, I entered and asked this tall grizzly chef if they served cacio e pepe there? He looked at me and his eyes widened, he raised his hands up and said “Qui non troverai cacio e pepe! Non è di questa regione. Io non lo faccio!” I tried to hold back my laughter and quickly went outside and my husband asked what happened?! I laughed and let him know we were set up! This man was obviously triggered by the question, what he said to me was that I would not find cacio e pepe because it is not from that region of Italy and he does not make it! We were not discouraged  because I remembered seeing cacio e pepe written on a chalk board as a special at one of the restaurants we had a quick bite at the day before. I tracked down the place via my pictures on my iPhone and realized it was on the other side of Venice but we had time and the walk helped build our appetites. We ordered the Cacio e Pepe upon arriving at Trattoria Da Gigi and it was the BEST dish we had thus far. They cook the pasta and then dump it in huge parmesan cheese wheel *drool* top it with freshly shaved cheese and pepper, delizioso! With full tummies and happy hearts, to have found our dish, we made it back to the train station with about a half hour to spare and prepared for our next destination FLORENCE, ITALY, be sure to keep an eye out for my next post to see how it went…