#-though thats hardly the worst thing hes been going through lately

[stsapphos]

if i was arthur lester i'd just tell people i'm blind. i don't really get why he doesn't

[chocominnie]

Desperado — 09 (M) | JJK

Pairing: Badboy!Jungkook X Reader

Summary : A messy situationship at it’s finest. You don’t even know whats headed your way, just even engaging in the slightest within him. See, he has an assignment to complete. A mission granted by his father thats do or die. You just so happen to be a major pawn in that assignment. He didn’t mean to take an interest in you. Surely it was an accident right? Only except. you hold much value in this game that he’ll do anything to complete it. Oblivious is what you are. Poor thing. Poor.. Poor thing.

Genre: Mature/ Mafia!Jungkook

Trailer: xxxxx  preview 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08

Word Count : 7.3k

Warnings : This honestly isn’t for the light hearted and the weak…High angst, usage of drugs, drug mentions, mental illness, switch!jungkook, Brat reader, possible stockholm syndrom, kidnapping, assault, death of side characters, murder, weapons, usage of weapons, masturbation, physical violence, blood, alcohol, weed, unprotected and protected sex, spanking, honestly its a lot of aruging…

Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

TW : Suicide, Body Hanging for display.

Her hair moves so flawlessly and the her breasts spill over the mini triangle bra with each sensual move she makes. The way her waist and body whines against the pole could leave absolutely anyone in a trance.The rhythm of the music blasts in the air and she’s directly on beat to it, not missing anything through the song playing. 

The led lights are dimmed low enough in a red color, but enough for everyone to see. Shes uncaring at the men in the room sizing her up in her designer high waisted thong that hugs her hips very well, showing off her round, plump ass. That was what she wanted, the attention all on her while they throw hundred dollar bills for her. 

“ Who knew someone could get down and dirty like that.”

To no suprise, Jimin, the ladies man but heartbreaker for sure, enters the private room and closing the door beind him. He throws a stack of money towards her, as he was the seemingly late one to the meet-up. 

“ Jungkook is late, he’s never late. What’s taking him so long?” A grumpy Namjoon says, looking down at his apple-watch. It’s half past 10 pm and usually he’s the first one here.

“ He’s probably sucking up to yn-”

The girl turns her head sharply towards the boys, overhearing what they said. She furrows her eyebrows at them, “ Why would he be doing that..”

Taehyung lets out a small groan. “ Because Mr. Lover boy has gotten himself a crush. The worst part is, she’s his target for this mission.”

“ Shut the fuck up. I don’t have a crush on her, i’m just doing my job.” A semi-loud voice roars through the doors. Everyone stops to look at the sudden intruder and to relief it’s him, Jungkook. 

Of course he has to lie about that. He knew for sure he caught himself up with you and the feelings were strong. Though the big bad mafia boy catching feelings for his target is highly uncommon, and Jungkook doesn’t know the consequences.

“ Jungkook..” The girl says, frowning at him with her hand on her hips. He takes a seat on the couch and tilts his head at her to go on. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at the young boy. “ You fell for her.. so what about us?”

It isn’t hard to say that he doesn’t have any more feelings left for the girl. She and him both knew what they agreed upon. The pair had history together, sexual to be exact. Romance was hardly there if he were to be honest. She’d began actually working for Won-Shik, under this club they’re in now which is owned by him, a year ago. Jungkook had entered the club once when he was considered a minor, but that was to pass a message along to the girl from his father. He was told to go straight in and straight out. Of course, he did the exact opposite. Sat around looking at all the half naked women that night as the music blared loud. 

It wasn’t until his phone rang and it was Casper telling him to hurry up and come back to the car, is when he finally decided to get up and look for the girl. When he did find her, it was over with for him. The girl was, and still is, stunning. One of the many foreign girls in the club but she’s the one that stood out of all. She wore nothing but a small outfit as she danced on the pole. Her beauty mesmorized Jungkook that night as he watched her dance in awe. Soon enough she came to him showing her her dimply smile and perfect teeth.

He was stunned alright. She knew he looked to be too young for the club so she asked him his age. He told her, and thats when she nearly called security on him until he told her who he was and affiliated with. The message was passed along accordingly to her, she got the memo. Jungkook though, kept coming back to that club and always going to where she was, following her around the club like a lost puppy. She enjoyed his time, as all she did was sit and talk with him and that turned out to not be enough for him. He wanted her, and she insisted that he was too young for her. 

So Jungkook did what any other person would do when feeling rejected, he started to present himself like a true man and mafia boy. The gym was his favorite place after that and he buffed up very well. That jawline of his got sharper and his personality gained more confidence and dominant by the time he turned nineteen. He of course kept going at her, shooting his shot anytime he could and yet kept getting denied. It wasn’t until his nineteenth birthday is when he begged her telling her how bad he wanted her, and that lap dance he kept suggesting months before. Since it was his birthday and he was legal, she gave him what he wanted but that still wasn’t enough for him. He wanted her underneath him bad. The slight age gap between them didn’t phase Jungkook at all. What he wants, is what he gets. 

And he did.

And kept getting it, and getting it, and getting it since then. 

“ Relax baby, I’ll still be coming around you know that.” His voice is smooth, smirking at her.  He wasn’t going to be coming around as much, but he knew that would disappoint her. 

She purses her lips and begins walking towards him and sits directly on his lap, straddling him. Jungkook can’t push her off the way he wants to because it would confirm the crush rumors from the boys about you. So he lets her sit there, uncomfortable as hell for him. 

Namjoon clears his throat to get the rest of the group attention. It’s nearly 11 pm and Crystal has been blowing up his phone ever since he stepped foot in the club. He told her beforehand about the meeting, but she wanted him at her apartment by at least 1 am. 

“ We all know you love yn, but remember who you are Jungkook.” Namjoon says, glaring at the boy who returns the glare back at him. “ Fuck you. Like I said, im just doing my job.”

“ If you were doing your job Jungkook, there’s no way in the hell that it should take you this long. “ Jin retaliates. He knows hes right.

By this time, Jimin had finished preparing seven perfectly rolled blunts filled with the most finest imported weed. He places them onto the tray, taking his own and then passing the tray to Yoongi. Each of the boys take their own until it reaches down to Jungkook who takes his and puts the tray back onto the table. 

“ Enough about her. I was summoned to go over the details for the next seven days. “ Jungkook groans, sparking his blunt and inhaling. He passes it Melanie, who takes it to inhale as well. 

A malicious smile comes upon Yoongi’s face as he exhales the smoke into the already fogged up air. One thing he loves to talk about is torture. One of bangtan’s best walking torture device to be known.

“ Tonight we are starting.. I say you let me go first.” Yoongi pauses, taking a long inhale of his blunt. “ I’m coming for their trade transaction place. Arson, let me burn the bitch down and then fuck around with their father.”

It’s a good idea. Sending a message after burning it down straight to it’s opponent. Fire is Yoongi’s thing, and that’s his signature marking in the Bangtan Boys. The father of the shooter was one of their dealers, until the shooter’s father fucked up by taking money out of bangtan’s cut little by little. The boys knew about it, they waited for the perfect time back then to take action. Of course, giving them a mission to complete.. or so he thought. The mission was a false one. Created by Jungkook to catch him off guard. Jungkook used some of the mafia men on Won-Shik’s side to set up a trade off of drugs, decieving the shooter’s father by thinking they were just setting up a regular mafia trade from another gang. The trade was complete, but their protection was no more. Needless to say, the men didn’t even make it back to their cars. It was a bloodshed war between Jungkook’s assigned men and their men. The point was to send a memo that the Bangtan Boys were coming for them, and coming hard. 

Everynight for two weeks unimaginable signs were sent to their family. Ranging all the way from several gunshot bullets going through their home, to severed heads of previous betrayers of the bangtan boys, sitting right on their porch. By now, all the other gangs in Korea knew not to have any business with them. 

“ Day 2 I want it. I’m going for the mother. That scamming bitch and her precious flower shop? I’m shooting it up. Whoever lives, lives. Whoever dies, dies.” Jimin shrugs, smirking as he leans back in his spot.

“ Day 3, for me I’m sending another message. One of their men is gonna die in my god damn hands. I’ll be sure to take a selfie and send it to the father. The body will lay hanging on that pretty little oak tree in their yard.” Taehyung says. The boys are roar with shock that he’s said that. Normally he doesn’t like touching a dead body, so it’s a change for him.

The boys continue listing off the days and assigned tasks for the rest of the night into the wee early morning. Namjoon left after his, of course going straight to his girls apartment. They don’t judge him, seeing as though the boy really is in love and knows when and how to handle it. He definately doesn’t mix business and his love life together, unlike his other hyung.  Soon enough the banter and socializing ends and it’s time for Yoongi first. 

Night 1

It doesn’t take long for Yoongi to find the place. The empty steets of Seoul have soon faded into just dirt roads with the city left behind. The humming of his porsche echos through the night time air. Yoongi takes one final turn, making sure to pull into the place slowly like a true hunter keeping it’s eye on its prey. It’s not a full house tonight, even better. 

Taking the jug of gasoline out his car, he carries it with ease up to the empty warehouse. The wildlife outside don’t make a noise. As if they know who’s approaching and just shut right up. Forty degrees fahrenheit outside and lastnight’s snowfall piled all around.The darkness outside is haunting, anything could pop out at any second to kill the man. That doesn’t scare him at all. Darkness is always what he crave. Inside and out. 

“ Sir.. do you want us to go in with you?” 

Yoongi stops dead in his tracks. He’d almost forgotten about the back-up men Jungkook ordered for him. It’s not like he needed them anyways, but since Jungkook can’t be there with Yoongi, that was the next best choice. 

Rolling his eyes without turning around,“ No. Wait in your cars. I’ll handle it on my own.”

Just like that. The boys are off like lightening. Yoongi takes one final step towards the two double doors, and begins to pour the gasoline at it’s starting point. Usually, he’d go from the inside out, but seeing as though he wanted them to scurry out fearing for their lives, this is the next option as well. Soon enough, the enire jug is empty and he’s now poured all of it around the outside of the warehouse. Leaves crunch with every step he makes back to the starting point. Part of him hopes they can’t hear him from the outside. It’ll ruin the plans. 

The lighter in his pocket feels so smoothe against his palms as he reaches for it. It’s one of his signature ones with his initials on it. An andrenaline rush runs through his veins as flicks the ignition with his thumb. The flame all bright and orange as he stands there infront of the building. It’s going to be a damn good night.

Without hesitating, Yoongi runs his fingers through his hair and throws the lighter right onto the gasoline puddles. The way the whole ring of fire lights up infront of his eyes makes him laugh hysterically while watching the whole building go into flames. The loud crackling sounds of the now decomposing warehouse jumps him back into reality. 

He heads right towards the big tree next to the right of the warehouse, leaning on it with one foot up against it with his hands crossed. That sinister smile doesn’t leave his face. He enjoys the view of the men from the inside running out as fast as they can. Some falling in the ring of fire in the process. The fire is no match for any human as they try to stop drop and roll. Ha, as if that would work with a 15 foot fire consuming the warehouse. The dead bodies pile up on their own, just burning in the fire over their simple mistakes of falling and thinking they would survive the fire.

Until the golden egg comes out. He’s furious as runs out perfectly, as if he’s been through this, without managing to catch on fire. Yoongi chuckles, leaning off the tree. “ Kang Dong-Woo.”

Usually Yoongi would use the honorfics to people who were much older than him. In this case though, he doesn’t deserve honorifics. 

“ Min Yoongi.” He says, harshness laced within his voice. Dongwoo frowns when nearing the man. He knows what Yoongi is capable of, and that’s what sets his fight for flight into action.

“ Let’s get straight to it. Your daughter is after our leader. She seems to be doing the dirty work for you yeah? Did you not train her enough? Of course you know she wont be able to live after this right?”

Dongwoo laughs right into Yoongi’s face as if he was joking. It angers Yoongi, so he grabs Dongwoo by the shirt and drags the man over to the fire where he kicks the back of his legs to where he’s kneeling inches away from it. 

“ I don’t think this is a laughing matter, Dongwoo.” He growls, tightening his grip around Dongwoo’s arms that are behind his back. “ You want to die?”

“ She’s gonna fuck you all over.” He growls.” You may think she’s not capable of finishing off you guys one by one, but she is. I raised and trained her since a kid. She’s stronger with more energy than me. She’ll kill you all when you least expect it.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes at him.” The dumb bitch can’t even shoot right. Going for someone else knowing Jungkook would save them is an ameteur move. Should’ve went straight for his damn head.”

“ I’ll make sure she’ll bring you guys hell Min Yoongi. All of you. Tell that shit to Jungkook and his daddy for me alright?” He mocks, laughing again at the boy to taunt him.

Yoongi doesn’t care for it. He’s had enough of this foolish talk. With one swift move he kicks the man’s back making him fall down to the left side, away from the fire. He’s lost it. He’s totally lost it at this point and there is no going back. Kick after kick after kick, he doesn’t stop. No. Not until the Dongwoo is sure to cough up blood. The crimson liquid poors from his mouth as he lays there. No remorse is felt.

Besides, the bastard bitch needed to get the message. Consider it message recieved. 

Night 2

The flower shop is full, but not full to its entirety. There's tons of different bouquets and arrangements set around the pretty shop, from what he can see from the outside. It’s almost closing time, an hour left. Jimin’s fingertips grip on the steering wheel, anxious but patient to make his move. He’s running off of pure adrenaline and 2 cans of monster that are crushed and sitting in the passenger seat. Waiting isn’t his forte and he’d honestly like to get this show on the road now.

The moon is out and shining bright tonight. A sigh escapes his lips when he glances again at the shop. The only reason he’s not done it yet is due to the fact that there is a child and his mother inside. Rule number 2 of Bangtan, injure no child. The price to pay if you were to break the rule? Simply it would cost you your own damn life.

As if time would of went any slower for the boy, the child and his mother finally made their transaction and made it out of the store, heading across the street to continue their journey of shopping. It’s go time.

He knew to come prepared with his bulletproof vest and full face ski mask, long Sleeve black shirt to cover all the markings he has and also the two tattoos on each of his arms. He knew that the little lady wouldn’t be so dumb to not carry, or at-least have someone inside that would be her undercover security. Considering who her husband is, there’s no way she won’t be protected.

Oh how innocent the people look to not know what’s coming next. Jimin loads his Glock 19 with golden bullets that have Bangtan Boys initials and symbols on it just before pulling his mask down and getting out the car. He makes sure to signal his back-up men to create a distraction so he could make his entrance. Sure enough, a loud boom in the near distance of what sounds like some type of construction falling, echos loudly. It turns heads from all around to look where the sound came from, making it easy for Jimin to slide into the flower-shop.

Not a sound made by him. He draws his gun and pulls the safety off the trigger, then cocks it. Eyes are all on him as his eyes shift around the room looking for his target. There she is, eyes wide in the middle of a transaction for two middle aged couple. His eyes set into hers, lowly smiling and pointing it at her. The way everyone frantically screams and cries out doesn’t phase Jimin, no. It just encourages him even more as he starts firing shots mid air, shooting any and every person in sight for the hell of it. Bodies drop to the ground, and the bloodbath begins.

Jimin doesn’t hesitate to step over everybody, eyes still set on his target. The middle aged couple’s shrieks were cut short by their bodies dropping to the ground with three shots each to their hearts.

“ Park J-” He cuts her crying off with a finger to his lips, daring her to say his name in public. She gets the memo. “ I wouldn’t if I were you.”

The barrel is pressed against her temple as she trembles with fear. He cocks his head to the side, smiling at her when he taps the gun against her head harshly, repeatedly. “ You know why I’m here.”

“ You kill me and she will murder you all.”

Jimin chuckles, “ That’s what you guys think. We don’t have time for your gimmicks. It was you guys who stole money from us. Why did you think you’d still be protected from the law from us? Getting your daughter to go for the leader first is dumb, like the rest of you.”

“ We almost went to prison for you guys, remember that? We needed that cut money from you guys to pay off our legal fees. Thats why we stole. We completed your dirty work while trying to pay off the fees, its the least you guys could of did as a reward.”

“ That’s not how it would’ve worked. You fucked up. All of you.”

With two shots to the leg, she falls into Jimins arms. He rolls his eyes and throws his body off of him and onto the floor. It’s going to be a headache trying to explain to the dry cleaners why there is blood stains on his designer ripped jeans.

Night 3

It was too easy, way too easy. It took nothing to lure that man right into Taehyung’s trap. Nothing but a simple few slick comments made to him for him to get a riled up at the wrong person. Taehyung had spotted the man prior heading into the park with a small duffle bag. He assumed it was for a night trade off for some other person who had delivered drugs for him. Nontheless, it was merely too easy to pose as the alleged person who completed the mission. 

A rookie. That guy must’ve been a rookie. 

When the money was handed off to Taehyung, he tossed it to the side and struck the man down. The two did fight on the concrete floor for a bit but the man was no match for Taehyung’s quick moves. Taehyung’s pocket knife dances around the man’s throat as his body is pinned to the ground. 

“ Rookie mistake not verifying if I’m the real one.” He chuckles, pressing the blade against the mans neck. The man pleads for his life but it’s no use. Message must be sent, that it’s no way you’ll fuck around with Bangtan and escape.

“ You know, I would’ve trained you more than Dongwoo. Letting the weakest link go run an errand? Ha. Your boss set you up for that one.” 

Although the man is merely innocent, it doesn’t stop Taehyung from slicing into the man’s neck. A blood curdling scream comes out, but soon hushed over as his will of breathing and screaming is cut. It’s music to Tae’s ears. 

The body is transfered per request of Taehyung to his back-up men. It’s not like him to touch a bloody dead body. So they take him into the back of their car and follow Taehyung to the residential house of the shooter. Nothing more than 10 minutes away. 

The lights are cut off in the neighborhood. Not a sound made other than the two cars coming down the street. Everyone seems to be at peace and quiet in their homes. Sleeping to say the least. Upon arrival, Taehyung parks his car right infront of the house. The back-up men drag the bloody body out the car and onto their lawn, placing it right under the oak tree. 

Taehyung takes the rope be brought along with him, and begins to tie multiple knots around a sturdy branch from the tree. When done, he wraps some of the rope around the dead boy’s neck, tying it into a slipknot and hoists him up high into the air. 

The body dangles from the tree like a flag waving in the sky proud and high. He signals for the boys that the assignment is done and that they’re free to leave. Taehyung though, he just sits back in admiration of his work. It’s been a while sinice he felt this way. So he stands there soaking it all in. 

Message recieved. 

Since it’s been three entire days of hell, Jungkook knew his day will be approaching faster than ever. If only it could get here faster though. Truth is, Won-Shik isn’t too happy about Jungkook’s plan still not being complete. At this point, the father is going against him any chance he gets to just get this over with. 

Luckily, tonight he’d be able to meet with his father again with some good news. It hasn’t been brought to his attention yet about your father being in Taiwan. With the technology of Won-Shik’s men, your father could be brought here within 12 hours tops. 

“ Father.” Jungkook says, entering his office doors. The boy fixes his leather jacket upon entering and places his hands back into his pockets. “ I have news.”

Won-Shik is one to not play around with. Interupting his office time is a big, big deal. One is to not enter without it being urgency. That rule still applies to the heir of the company. “ It better be damn good because your plan isn’t getting anywhere Jeon Jungkook.”

Won-Shik takes his glasses off and sets them to the side on his desk. Its full of papers and photos of himself and Jungkook when he was a child. His favorite one right in the middle, where Jungkook had just ate some cherry flavored ice cream and his lips were all red as he smiled for the camera showing his two front teeth. It reminded him of when Jungkook was easier to manage rather as to now where he’s a damn menace.

“ Taiwan. Her father is in Taiwan. I don’t think it’s Taipei though.. he’s hiding so a city wouldn’t be ideal. I say search the mountains first, then the city.”

Bringing this proposal to the table meant that Jungkook wanted to atleast gain his father’s trust back. Hell, he wanted all this to be over with by now because you were driving him crazy to the point where he’s beginning to actually forget who the hell he was and why he was assigned this mission. The plan was not to fall, but to complete. He’d be lying if he wasn’t knee deep in love with you right now. It all comes down to him protecting you from his father at this point. 

“ So your little plan is suddenly working huh.. still doesn’t mean she gets to run free Jungkook.” He says, smirking at the boy to challange him. Jungkook knew that. Once it’s proven that your father is the snitch, all of the family dies.

You’re innocent. Too innocent to know that or to be even tangled in that mafia mess of his. Part of him wishes he never met you and never had been assigned this mission. Then everything would be so damn different and emotions wouldn’t be caught up in this. From the moment he met you, he knew it would be hard. You have always held a special part in his heart. Only because you acted just like his mother. Sweet, but sassy and it hurt him a lot on how you remind him of her. You even word your words just like her, even when upset. Everything about you, is just like her. 

It was hard to not get attached to wanting to get to know you more. Somehow he thought that if he got to know you, he’d somehow fill that hole inside him of his mother’s disappearance. As if you were going to be his new replica as you would be the one to put a band-aid on that hole to patch it up. 

Here you are, not knowing you could die any moment and it will all be thanks to Jeon Jungkook, who couldn’t save you fast enough. 

“ I know. But she’s innocent. She doesn’t even know her dad worked with us. I swear she doesn’t.”  Jungkook bites his lip in hopes that there could be someway to save you by the hands of your father.

 “ I dont care!” He roars, jumping out his seat. Jungkook flinches, backing up a bit from the sudden outburst. “ You know not to mix business and pleasure. You reap what you sew. You get to pay the consequences.”

Jungkook knew that though. 

“ Father-”

“ Nothing more. I’ll have my team start the search right now. You on the other hand, get you god-damn shit together Jungkook. You’re the heir, not a damn lover-boy. Got it?”

It is no use of arguing with him. Jungkook looks down at the ground and nods his head yes just before Won-Shik dismisses him. It’s going to hurt. Seeing you dead. He hopes for a miracle can happen, that your father will not be the snitch. That you and him could live happily ever after. There will no be any happily ever after about this situation though. One will die. Just a matter of who it will be. 

The vibrating sensation in his pocket snaps him out of his trance. An incoming call from Namjoon. It’s alarming since today is Namjoon’s day of hell, and only one thing could be happening right now if he’s calling for Jungkook. 

There’s been a mistake.

“ What is it Namjoon.” 

“ She fucking outsmarted me. The bitch caught on to where my location would be for the next kill. I don’t know where the fuck she is Jungkook.. this is bad.”

Jungkook sighs heavily, closing his eyes while letting out strings of curses come from his mouth. Shit couldn’t get possibly worse than this right now. Namjoon said he’d wanted to go straight for the killer and bust her up a bit. Give her some words and a branding on her. He had wanted to do it with a knife, carving the initals of Bangtan Boys into her upper hip. Namjoon had zero problem tracking her next location down, as he had been keeping an eye on her all day. To him, it seemed as if she would be heading to an orchestra shop in the city. Every step she took, Namjoon took it too. 

Until she rounded the corner to go inside the shop and she wasn’t there. There wasn’t any outlet. The shop was on a dead end street surrounded by other shops that they both had passed. There was no way she didn’t go back, he would of saw it. He saw her go into the store, so she had to be there right?

Wrong. You see she knew all this time that Namjoon was followering her while in disguise. The orchestra shop where she led him to, she knew the owner. They were good friends. She had spoken to him asking if that she could use his upstairs office to read over some of the newest edition of music pieces for her to practice. He obliged, and she made up there in time before Namjoon came inside.

Up there, she’d be lying if she wasn’t scared to death. All this week the boys had definately given her hell. Each day with zero remorse. It was taking a toll on her for sure. Taking up this assignment by herself wasn’t something easy but she wanted to prove to him that she can be just like him. That she wanted to work with him too to take down Bangtan for decieving them and leaving them in the dust. 

She can’t do it. The boys are to expierenced for her. It’s a bad mistake that she cannot come back from. You see, she thought it would be easy to befriend you and become close to you after you’d laid eyes upon Jungkook your first day here. She knew you’d soon fall for him, like any other girl did, and that would be her easy acess to him from you. It was all planned beforehand. To be quiet and observe you and your moves with him. In her mind, Jungkook needed to die first. The boys can’t function all that well without him, so that would be the weak spot to take advantage of if he would’ve died when she knew he’d take the bullet for you. She coudn’t shoot him first, it’d be too straightforward and blunt. 

It was going all well. Deep in the inside she was jealous of you as well. Sungmin had been her crush for years, they even almost dated. Until you came along and he left her in the dust for you. Sungmin is everything she wanted in a boy, but you took that away from her. Her chances to date him ruined by you. It hurt everyday to see him head over heels in love with you, when that was just her at one point before you came along. Not only that, but she seen the way you play with Sungmin’s emotions. It made her upset that you do that. Sungmin’s love is a drug, whether it be friendship love or romantic, nobody can get enough of it. 

All this stressed her out to her max. Her family being hurt because of her, her mom unable to walk for the next few weeks is all because of her. Only cause she cannot complete this task she brought onto herself. As if being in danger because of Won-Shik and Bangtan wasn’t enough beforehand, she just made things worse all in all. There is no way out of this for her and her family. So it’s time to just accept it and say goodbye to it all and start a new life. 

“ I’ll find her. You wait at the base and I’ll report back to you guys after I find her. When I do, you will come and finish your damn task Namjoon. Do you hear me?” Jungkook’s beyond pissed at this point. If it wasn’t for him, the boys would be lost as fuck without him.

He shoots Casper a text, letting him know that he is to follow him closely as he searches for her. To his luck, Casper was already outside his apartment building in his car. Not long after he pops those contacts in and changes his outfit again, he’s cruising the streets of Seoul in his midnight purple lamborghini. 

The pain in his shoulder throbs with each turn he has to make with the wheel of his car. A little pain medicine would of helped beforehand, but rushing to get this shit over with was more important. This bitch definately has it coming. It’s been taking Jungkook these past few days to not just up and kill her. No that would just be too easy. Torture and marinating her to lose her shit at the last minute is something so satisfying to him. 

The streets of Seoul soon end behind him and the Mappo Bridge comes into view. It had been an a whole hour searching around the areas of where she could’ve been, including where she was last seen. No sights of her at all. She’s good at this for sure. Text messages are sent back and forth between the boys and Jungkook. They’re all on edge, tired, and frustrated at this chasing game that they’re all playing.

He’d almost missed it. The body walking alongside the side-walk of the bridge with their head hanging low and hoodie on. It’s the hoodie of his school, but most importantly it has their class graduation year on it. It has to be her. Jungkook flashes his hazard lights on, letting Casper know to pull over with him. 

It’s now or never.

After sending the text to Namjoon, he’s out the car and jogging towards the suspect. Height, body type, and shoes match the alleged identity. It seems she’s too into something to notice the extra footsteps behind her. He can’t do anything to her though, it’s not his night. 

“ Kang Minlee.”

She stops dead in her tracks as if a ghost had called her name. Frozen, she stands there contemplating on running or staying. If she runs, she’s dead. If she stays, shes dead. 

“ You think..” He pauses, grabbing her arm and turning her around to face him. Her face is red from crying and her glasses all fogged up from underneath her mask. For a split second, Jungkook does feel regret. 

Killing a classmate of his wasn’t something he’d ideally let happen. But it’s far too late to not have her killed off. “ You think that running away is the best option?”

Minlee trembles underneath his grip, “ I made a mistake. Please just let me go. Let me and my family go and we’ll leave you alone forever.” She breaks down into tears, placing her hand over his in attempt to let her go. 

It didn’t hurt Jungkook to see her like this. All in all it just feels weird to him. Weird to have one of his classmates begging for her life to be spared from the gruesome events to come. 

“ You know I can’t do that.” It honestly can’t be an option at this point. It’d be better to just continue out her days of hell with her family. “ You came for me, that means you die.”

Finally she jerks her arm back from his still in tears as she starts to back away slowly. Jungkook knew that she wouldn’t run. Not in this case. Letting her cry it out was the best way, hell it’s the only way because Namjoon would be here any minute to brand her. It would mean she belonged to Bangtan after that, and she’d have to keep quiet as they planned out her death.

Her sudden movement from the ground to climbing up the railing of the bridge alarms Jungkook. She cries louder when Jungkook comes closer to getting her down so he stops. Suicide? Right now? What happened to being all big and bold? It confuses Jungkook as to why she would take her own life right now. Either way she’d still end up dead and unhappy if Bangtan would kill her or she’d kill herself. 

“ Jungkook!” She semi-yells, pointing to the direction behind him as another guy approaches them. Just in time, the sound of Namjoon’s car can be heard from afar. He’s getting close.

The guy she’s pointed to is Casper, who’s also alarmed at the fact that she’s close to the edge right now. Jungkook holds his hand up at Casper for him to stop right there and shakes his head, meaning that it’s too risky for Casper to step in right now. Casper nods and Jungkooks turns back to the scene. 

“ Don’t you think that I’ve suffered enough? Everyday you guys give me hell. My mom can’t walk because of you guys, and my dad has health issues. You left us in the dust when we needed your support the most! I was almost put up for adoption a year ago because of you!” She sobs, wiping her never ending tears with her hoodie sleeves. 

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say, or do. It’s not like him to have sympathy over a rival. It’s just not in him at this very moment. 

Minlee continues on, “ Yn? She took what’s mine. My Sungmin. She plays with his heart and it hurts him a lot. I wouldn’t have did that. But no, he’s head over heels in love with him. I got left in the dust when she came along and it looks like everyone loves her, including you Jungkook. My friendgroup does anything and everything she wants because she’s just oh so little miss perfect. That was supposed to be me!”

There it is. The jealousy. Jungkook would have never known it. It’s all news and shock to him. Sungmin and Minlee? Didn’t seem like a match to begin with. 

Her dramatic meltdown continues on, but Jungkook allows it. Namjoon will be here any minute to sneakily get her down. Where is he and why the hell is he taking so long?

As if on cue, Namjoon pulls up to the scene and immediately gets out his car running towards the girl. Jungkook waves his hands for him to stop, eyes wide with a finger to his lips. The last thing he wanted was for the girl to jump. A death from their school? Surely was to be put on him and his boys. 

Namjoon stops infront of Jungkook’s car, confused as to what’s going on. Jungkook mouthes to him the words suicide attempt. That’s when Namjoon gets it and decides to let him handle getting her down. 

“ Yeah it was meant to be you. But I plan to take Yn away anyways. Then you and Sungmin could come together again.” Jungkook’s convincing isn’t convincing enough, she doesn’t buy it at all.

“ If I get down I’m going to die. There is no escaping that within the next few days i’d be dead in your hands. I made a mistake and there is no going back. Spare my parents. Let them live. I’m the one that started this. I’ll be the one to finish it.”

The girl lifts one foot off the railing and leans backwards. Jungkook’s breath hitches along with Namjoons. No. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. 

“ Kang Minlee!” They both scream, running towards her. It’s too late though. Her body falls gracefully down as all three of them watch over the railing. She looks peaceful, a smile on her face while her body is sprawled out in the air.

Inches before she hits the water, the three of the boys look away with only the sound of dense water splashing to fill their ears. Namjoon sighs, putting his hands against his head. Jungkook stands there in complete shock. Casper, well Casper just shakes his head knowing the two boys weren’t prepared for that.

“ We fucked up Jungkook.”

“ I fucking know that Namjoon.” His voice cracks. It isn’t like Jungkook to cry. No not at all. Especially for a target like that. At the end of the day she was human and she did what any daughter would do for her family.

 She was also your friend.

You hadn’t heard about her death yet the next day. It’s a normal saturday morning for you. This time you’d decided to go to the cafe with your laptop and write your essay for your Psychology class. The cafe is nice, it’s cat themed and has some pretty kittens running around the outside of the kitchen and customer service area. 

As soon as you order and sit down with your Caramel frappe you spot a white kitten laying near you on the floor. A smile comes upon your face when it comes to you when you call for it. They don’t have these in Canada. Cat Cafes. The kitten lets out his purrs when you rub his back as he lays across your lap. The nametag says Mochi, a cute name for a cute kitten. 

Minutes seem to pass by without your knowledge. You’d been too into typing to hear the news on the tv being broadcasted live. It wasn’t until you heard suicide of a teenage student on Mappo Bridge. That got your attention.

You listen carefully as the news reporter goes into detail of how the body was found. It had gotten caught on a rock as the stream moved it around. A mother had found it with her kid as they walked across the bridge that early morning to look at beautiful water. It saddens you to know someone took their life. Maybe if that person had access to getting help, they’d live to see many more days. 

When they announce the name and show a school picture of the student, the look on your face drops. 

Minlee. It’s Minlee on the screen. Its all too much for you right now. Your stomach twists and turns along with your hands that begin fidgeting. She seemed so healthy and happy these past few days when you saw her. It didn’t add up. It wasn’t going to ever add up to you that you had just lost one of your new friends.

Packing your things up in a hurry, your phone begins to go off with a bunch of text messages at a time. You know it could be the groupchat. What you wanted to the most right now, is to go home to cry and calm down. You shove everything in your backpack and place the kitten back on the floor nicely before taking off towards the door. You bump into somebody on the way out, causing them to drop a picture in their hand. The two of you both reach to pick it up, but they pick it up first before you.

“ I’m sorr-”

You’ve seen her before. Long curled hair, big dimple on her left cheek, and bangs. 

There’s no fucking way. 

[fanfic-cave]

Corellian Ale

Rating: SFW/PG-13

Word Count: 2.2k

Pairing: Hunter x Fem Jedi!OC

Warnings: Drinking and getting drunk, swearing, I think thats all? Also romance but when is that ever not in my fics hahaha

Summary: Our ex-jedi veteran Sera finished a mission with the bad batch, and now looks for a way to entertain herself and get someones attention while on the flightpath back home (also this is pre "The Reveal")

Authors note: After this weeks episode I wanted to write some fun stuff with the whole group, and a drinking contest sounded perfect ahaha! Also theres fluff nobody can stop me. ALSO ALSO I decided to switch to third person for the rest of my OC chapters so sorry for the sporadic chapters and writing, thanks and have fun!

tags: @mangoberry99

“Let’s never go back to Corellia.” Sera huffed out.

“Agreed. That was too close a call.” Tech spoke from the pilot chair, the Havoc Marauder just now entering hyperspace.

“We’ve got what we came for, let’s just head back.” Hunter sighed. He was sitting by a console looking at a map of a star system.

“Corellian ale.” Crosshair spat, shaking his head. “One of the worst missions we’ve ever done.” The cargo was stored all over the ship. Someone who wanted to avoid going through the empire to acquire some had hired the boys to lift the ale from a contact they had in Corellia, and from what Sera heard, the buyer had some deep pockets.

“Why would someone want this so badly?” Omega chimed in curiously. Hunter looked at Echo who shrugged, Tech sighed, and Sera held in a laugh. Crosshair shook his head. “Good luck with that.” Crosshair spoke, and he left to be somewhere more private, walking past Wrecker who was entering the public area.

“Well, Omega-” Hunter started, but was interrupted.

“How much longer till we get there?” Wrecker complained loudly, shoving himself into a chair across from Sera.

“We only just went into hyperspace, Wrecker.” Tech spoke and sounded a bit annoyed. “We’ll be back eventually.”

“This is always the boring part!” Wrecker threw his arms up, exasperated. Sera let out a quiet laugh. Wrecker reminded her of a kid sometimes, with his lack of patience and affinity to, well, wrecking things. One of the few things that reminded her otherwise was that he was huge, and could probably throw her across the room if he wanted to.

A thought crossed her head, and a smile spread onto Sera’s lips, a glint lighting up her eyes. Echo had noticed and eyed Sera.

“I’ve got an idea, Wrecker.” Sera stood up, hands behind her back, and walked around a bit aimlessly for a moment.

“Huh?” Wrecker looked puzzled, but curiously watched Sera.

“What are you doing?” Echo asked suspiciously, arms crossed. Sera caught that Hunter had been peeking at her out of the corner of his eye. He quickly looked back to the star map. Sera felt herself scowl at the lack of attention she received from him.

“You know, I remember,” Sera suddenly turned around, and swiftly grabbed a bottle of Corellian ale. “That some of the bottles broke while we made our escape.” She easily twisted the top off.

“Oh no-“ Echo said. “We’re not doing that.”

Sera smiled mischievously and took a swig. “Sera!” Echo tried to reach and stop her, but it was too late. The warm liquid settled into her stomach, and she sighed. She handed the bottle to Wrecker. “Oh yeah! This should be fun!” Wrecker took a long drink.

Sera heard Tech sigh loudly from the pilot's chair, clearly wanting his opinion to be known. “Well, now you’ve done it.” He spoke loudly from the other room. “If he breaks my ship, you’re fixing it Sera.”

“Your ship?” Hunter chimed in finally, raising an eyebrow in Tech's direction. Otherwise he had been completely ignoring the conversation taking place.

“You and I both know you don’t want me trying to fix the ship tech.” Sera shouted loudly to the other room.

“Then you’re paying for it!” Tech countered. Sera laughed at that.

“Could I try it?” Sera heard Omegas' small voice and her eyes widened.

“No.” Echo and Hunter spoke at the same time.

“Shit-” Sera spoke at the same time as the other two, then covered her mouth and coughed.

“Sorry kid, adults only.” Sera addressed Omega more seriously.

“Aww” Omega sighed and leaned back into her chair.

Wrecker handed the bottle back to Sera and burped loudly. “Anyone else?” She shook the bottle, looking at Echo, then Hunter, who was still ignoring her.

Sera felt herself get more irritated. Whatever, she turned back to Echo.

“Not happening.” He spoke firmly, and also placed a brief pause between the two words for emphasis. Sera sighed and took another sip. She felt like she was beginning to weigh less with each drink she took, her mind wandering more too.

“I would offer you some Tech, but-“

“Alcohol consumption is well known to inhibit your cognitive functions, and make you susceptible to poor decision making. For starters, I am piloting, and secondly I would prefer to keep my wits about me, thirdly-”

“We get it!” Sera shouted out, interrupting Tech.

“Think you can out drink me Wrecker?” Sera turned and eyed Wrecker challengingly, raising an eyebrow and tilting her chin up to add more effect.

“Of course I can!” Wrecker pounded his chest, laughing heartily. Sera ignored the loud collection of sighs. She thought she heard Hunter mutter something under his breath, but she ignored it.

“Let’s put it to the test then.” She grabbed another 2 bottles and placed them in the middle of the table. “We each drink a full mouthful. Games over when someone can’t continue.” Sera laid out the ground rules.

“Deal!” Wrecker pounded his fists on the table, the drinks jumping up along with the shaking. “Let’s do it!”

“Would you all be quiet?” Crosshair walked out, clearly more annoyed than usual.

“You might not want to miss this Crosshair.” Echo said, somewhat sarcastically.

“What does the winner get?” Sera ignored the other conversation and spoke to Wrecker, trying to raise the stakes.

“Uh,” Wrecker scratched his head, trying to think of something.

Sera’s eyes flickered to the oversized knife on Wreckers belt. “If I win, I get to take your knife.” Sera pointed. Wrecker gasped shockingly. “Not my knife!”

“Just don’t lose.” Sera flashed Wrecker a grin, showing off her teeth.

“Well when I win, you have to buy me an explosive!” Wrecker grinned back and leaned back into his chair.

“Sure, if you win.” Sera countered.

“You seriously think you can beat him?” Crosshair said casually, not looking at Sera and examining a new toothpick.

“Watch me you little fu-“ Sera stopped herself and looked at Omega.

“Firaxan.” Sera finished, and coughed awkwardly. “Omega, maybe Tech needs some help up in the cockpit.” Sera gestured over to the direction of Tech. Omega peeked over to the pilots seat curiously, where Tech sat.

“Not really-” Tech started.

“Oh he would REALLY LIKE the COMPANY!” Sera yelled over him. Hunter had nodded his head to Omega, which caught Sera’s interest. Now he‘s interested in what’s happening? She complained internally.

“Alright then, good luck Sera! Oh, and you too Wrecker!” Omega added it after Wrecker had made a face at her wishing Sera luck. She trotted off to the pilots area happily, and Sera heard Tech sigh. She knew he actually would enjoy the company though.

“Alright, start us off Wrecker.” Sera smiled and handed the bottle over to Wrecker.

One and a half bottles later and Sera found herself being a bit more giggly than normal. She and Wrecker were both holding their own, and sides had been drawn. Echo had been supporting Sera, while Crosshair clearly wanted Wrecker to win. Even Hunter had begun to watch too. Sera had failed to notice that.

“It’s *hic* you’re turn, Wrecker!” Sera then laughed. “Keep it together Sera,” Echo counseled her carefully.

“Oh like that lightweight can outdrink him?” Crosshair spoke and gestured to Wrecker. Wrecker laughed at the both of them and took another drink “Ah, tastes so good! I’m almost not thirsty anymore!” Wrecker leaned back into the chair and brought his arms up, and kicked his feet up on the table. He waved his arms around a second to catch his balance.

“A-ha!” Sera slammed her hands on the table. Everyone looked at her, surprised at her outburst. “You wobbled! I win!” She jumped up, then had to lean onto the wall to keep her balance.

“No, I’m fine!” Wrecker complained. He stood up and wobbled a bit again, but held himself up fine compared to Sera.

“Gimme this I’m celebrating-” Sera grabbed the bottle and began downing the contents. Crosshair just snickered and Echo snatched the bottle away after Sera got two gulps in. “No way, you’re both done.”

“Boo!” Sera yelled, and Wrecker joined the booing. Echo only shook his head and kept ahold of the bottle.

“I gotta, I’ve, hafto pee!” Sera then giggled more and stumbled down the hall, searching for the bathroom.

----------

“I’ve got it.” Hunter stood up to follow Sera and the boys watched him walk down, Echo looking surprised, Crosshair suspicious, and Wrecker didn’t notice as he was trying to grab at the Corellian ale Echo was holding onto.

Hunter found Sera stumbling down the hall. He quickly caught up to her and grabbed underneath her arm, keeping her from taking a nasty fall. “Steady there.” He spoke quietly. She turned to look behind her and then smiled. “Hunter! What are you doing?” She looked at him confused, and for some reason was whispering.

“Making sure you don’t get hurt. Which is usually your job for the rest of us.” We did bring her along as a medic after all. Hunter wrapped his arm around her back and put her arm around his back, trying to keep her from falling.

“Pfft I’ve outdrank gamorreans, I’ll be fine.” She waved a hand at him trying to downplay how drunk she was. Hunter was watching her carefully, and he had noticed she had a blush on her cheeks from the drinking. It was a soft pink that was hardly noticeable, but Hunter found himself examining it closely.

“Hmmm what?” Sera wiggled her eyebrows at him, clearly taking notice that Hunter was staring.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Hunter looked away and ignored her faces, and began dragging her down the hall.

“Oh, since when do you care, huh?” Sera hiccuped again when she finished.

“What are you trying to say?” Hunter wasn’t sure what he could’ve done to upset her. They continued walking together, just a few feet away from a cot. He turned to look at her, and found himself staring at her face again.

“Well you didn’t seem to care what I was doing earlier. You didn’t even say anything.” Sera grumbled it out, and Hunter was surprised at her complaint. She really thinks I don’t care?

Hunter had truthfully found Sera distracting. He had been listening to what she was saying and watching, but he also didn’t like how she grabbed at his attention so easily. He wanted to stay focused on the mission, and he didn’t want to let himself get too distracted by her. He didn’t watch her directly, or didn’t speak to her, but his thoughts would constantly drift to her. In the end, he watched the end of her little contest with Wrecker unfold, unable to keep his eyes away.

Hunter contemplated what to say to rectify the situation. “You’re my friend Sera. You’ve helped keep us alive. Of course I care.” He looked away for a brief moment after he spoke, trying to ignore how her breath smelled nice.

Hunter began steeling himself, getting ready to carry her the rest of the way. He heard her shuffle, and turned curiously, only to see Sera’s face just an inch from his. His eyes widened in shock to see her hazel eyes up close, the green in them looking striking, her blonde messy hair giving her a look of wildness. She moved in, and swiftly pecked him on the cheek.

Hunter touched his cheek, then looked back to her, his expression still shocked. Sera giggled again and Hunter's face began to turn red. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into an embrace.

“I care about you guys too.” Sera whispered into his ear. Hunter was frozen, unsure how to react for a second. He removed his hand from his cheek and put an arm around her awkwardly. He was new to physical affection, and had never really given anyone a hug. Only one time with Omega, but she was smaller, and it felt different than this.

Suddenly Sera’s head went limp on his shoulder, and her weight started to completely fall on Hunter. “Sera?” He stumbled, but easily held her up, and turned his head to look at her and see what was wrong. She was taking deep breaths, and Hunter recognized that she was asleep.

Hunter sighed and hoisted her up, carrying her bridal style the last few feet to the bed. He set her on the cot, being careful not to bump her into anything, and put the cheap blanket on top of her. She barely moved, except for her breathing, and seemed completely out of it. “So much for out-drinking gamorreans.” Hunter laughed to himself as he spoke the thought out loud.

He noticed she was laid flat on her back, and realized that could be dangerous with how drunk she got. Hunter placed one hand on her shoulder, and began to turn her onto her side. She felt warm underneath his hand, and her arm was smaller compared to his larger hand. He was watching her rose tinted face doze off peacefully as he shifted her. He indulged himself for a moment, and gently shifted a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. He turned away and quickly left after that, flexing his fingers as he walked away.

Hunter scowled as he contemplated, feeling very confused by Sera’s actions and his own feelings. She’s probably going to forget this by tomorrow, he thought to himself.

Can't say I will though.

[twinvictim]

your opinions on each of the post team silent games and a rating out of 10. hand 'em over

YEAHHHHHH FINALLY CATERING TO ME!!!

Uh really long post oops. for reference, my rating for the first 4 sh's are as follows

Sh1: 9/10 Sh2: 7/10 Sh3: 9/10 Sh4: 9.5/10

Silent Hill 0/Origins

overall score: 7/10

Alot of the games issues can of course be attributed to it being a psp game, and while i won't excuse everything bc of that, j have to be honest and say I think it had so much potential as a (very) late ps2 game. Not to mention, the game ON THE PSP functions as it should. (The ps2 port does fucking not tho..oops) ans you'll see that this is...a rarity post team silent.

The story has alot of potential, Travis as a character is interesting and sympathetic and j think his dynamic with alessa js super fascinating to dig into, both of them being abused children and there was alot of intrigue regarding his powers, the game feels like a smaller more watered down she, and for that I can't fault it too much. The weapons system isn't my favorite but the combat itself is reminiscent of 1 and 2 and I really like a good chunk of the monster design, there was clearly thought and care put into it, nurses and strughtjackets/lying figures be dammed. The unlockables are pretty cool though and alot of the environments look pretty cool for a psp game, hell i LOVE the theater level its super unique, I would love to see it in (actually functional) better graphics. I also think the puzzles are pretty solid, not hair pulling like sh1 even if they're not quite as clever as say sh3.

My biggest criticisms come from the reuse of sh1 characters (just alessa and Travis would've been fine, maybe dahlia and some more org characters would've been better) the bad ending being straight up bad writing. Not to mention they did the sh3 thing of "kill too many monsters and get the bad ending" which is...stupid. The foreshadowing of the butcher being? He's just kinda there, I like the lead up but it would be more interesting if the butcher represented something from those years between Travis' father dying and him being an adult. And while there's more replayability imo than sh2, it doesn't have difficulty sliders and that makes it kinda hard to come back to quite as often. Not to mention unlike sh1, 3or sh4 there's not as much horror focus and random events.

Overall, solid game its fun to play, very silent Hill and if you're willing to look past a few continuity errors and accept its a little different and slightly derrivitive at the same time, I like to say I had alot of fun with it and still do. (Maybe I just like Travis alot...idk)

Silent Hill: Homecoming

Overall score: 6/10

Once again most of the issues here are gonna be corporate fuck ups, but I'm also not gonna beat around the bush, this game isn't like...good. its bad actually. "But you gave it a 6/10?" Yeah bc its not NEARLY as bad as some other games I've.. experienced.

The negatives here are, many and vast, so let's run them down. Firstly the games performance is janky on console (ps3 at least) and abysmal/unplayable on PC, what with framerate issues that are detrimental to game play on pc and make the third boss impossible. That said on console it is completable and not even too terrible...usually. Scarletts boss fight however is terribly unbalanced and broken on all skews so :/. The combat is...functional but not anyone's favorite, it's difficult to use any actually strong weapon and you can pretty much strong arm ur ways through shit with just the knife (except scarletts first form..don't try it, it won't work) for some people this will be borening (not my opinion but w/e). Most of The puzzles...leave alot to be desired. I hate sliding block puzzles. Also no run button? At all?? No easy mode? Ok... also what is this.. wheel design for the inventory...im accidentally using my serum..what is serum also? And why is the item pickup noise like...bass boosted.

The character models look awful most of the time, and comically unfinished other times, some human models are just grotesque, (judge halloway, Adam shepherd, mayor Bartlett. .you get it) and yes...there are sexy nurses. Bc of course there are. (Whole ass out???) They did straight up have some terrible endings for this game (ph ending for one, the way you get the ufo? Hell the ufo ending is kinda boring. I like the in water ending here too but. Yeah.) the story has some, problems. To say the least.

However, while the performance is bad its not the worst I've played (on the ps3 once again..unplayable on pc) and I hardly noticed the framerate when I was just running around, I personally found the combat kinda fun, between trying to dodge accurately and still attack and not use all my health items (bc those and ammo are actually rare! Unlike some games...) it is kind of a challenge and reminds me of a much worse sh4. And hey, the health items both heal an understandable amount of health that i can easily read with a bar (unlike 1-3) and they're not a complete joke (unlike sh4...) i find the exploration really fun and sure the characters look shit but the environments are Fucking great. The church is one of my fav sections, short as jt might be and yes it stole the confessional scene but its pretty well written and acted I think. The monster design is pretty fucking rad too honestly, I like the schism, siam, I like the DESIGN of the needlers even if they make me so mad to fight, and hey the nurses and ph don't show up that much to be too aggregious. The boss monsters are also fantastic design wise, very unsettling and the boss rooms are interesting as well.

The story has problems but it also has alot of potential, the concept of people sacrificing ther children for silent Hill and being overcome by their own pain and guilt is pretty fucking cool, and alex is a good character they did a good job of giving him personality, ppl bitch about him being a soldier but a) he's not and b) soldiers are people too, and a sh game that could tackle toxic masculinity, be critical of the military, and also tackle abusive religeious parents is pretty intriguing, not to mentions themes of brotherly love that's complicated bc of how they clearly favored Josh . Sure, it misses the mark, but I like taking the potential and thinking about it bc its compelling to me. And like I said, i like alex alot.

Overall, bad game yes, but not the worst as it has enough good for me to honestly really enjoy it, besides it is pretty funny when it is bad. Don't play the pc port tho

Silent Hill Shattered Memories

Overall Score: 8/10

Unpopular opinion im sure but honestly? I find this game ALMOST on par with the team silent games. Its really that good, yes its a wii game, so this is my score taking into account the motion controls BTW.

For the good, man where do i start. Its BEAUTIFUL for a wii game and esp for a post team silent game, the graphics are nice and Constsitent, the environments are pretty and it has a pretty nice cold color pallet to contrast the warmer tones the series tends to skew towards. The acting and intrgrige are all on point and the WRITING is fantastic, its one of those games you play the first time not knowing the twist and play the second time picking up more and more clues and things that strengthen that twist so much more. Like sh2 its a simple story told in such a clever and interesting way that you'll probably be too invested to put it down, I beat it in one sitting in 6 hours bc i was so engrossed in the narrative. And the Puzzles man! The puzzles are phenomenal and fun to accomplish and there's even a little bit of variety in a few places on repeat playthroughs. The level of detail in this game is insane really, the things that change with the different psychology answers are pretty cool too and tho it all plays out relatively the same its still fun to see the different things you can get to happen. The gimmicks like the phone as an object, taking pictures, sneaking and zooming in, they're not too intrusive as to take away from the exploration or other game play but not completely useless and have some pretty fun Easter eggs too. The game plays sort of like a worse outlast with good puzzles and for that I do have to commend it. Oh and the fucking MUSIC is INCREDIBLE idk something ab this soundtrack has alot of heart put into it clearly.

Now, it's not perfect. The thing is, it is a WORSE outlast type game, in the running and hiding sense but well, the hiding is completely useless, its a run away game, which is ok, but I understand that people aren't gonna be a big fan of that when silent Hill has always balanced combat ad puzzles and exploration. The running segments are..aggravating, mostly bc its hard to figure out where to go, not to mention using motion controls that don't like to work half the time to fight the monsters off of you. Also, the monsters are not scarey in the slightest and the raw shock scream is actually enragaging if you've died one to many times, there's also...not really any penalty for dying. And once you're out for these running segments,there's no danger, no monsters, nothing to hide from despite having a hiding mechanic. Its not really a horror game more of a psycological thriller and I understand that the fact that its not horror can be disappointing. The psychology things might be a bit overhyped And yeah fine, the wii foreplay scene...well yeah its weird but it IS also funny as fuck.

That said, there's still alot thats good and alot thas unfair criticism lobbed at this game. Harry didn't have much of a personality in sh1 bc he's a ps1 character and sm really fleshed him out well, not to mention giving cybil some nice characterization, and they did some interesting things with dahlia and kaufmann. And Lisa.. well I'm gonna be honest I never found Lisa all that interesting in sh1..so it doesn't bother me that she's the way she is in this game. I know people hate the "horny" aspect of it but to be completely fair, YOU choose to make the game that way, don't answer in a sexual manner or look at boobs or anything else and you won't have an overly sexual game, its...literally that easy. Its given as an option for the play id they want to go for what is arguably another joke ending. (You cannot tell me sleeze and sirens is meant to be a real serious ending to the game. Cmon) and you can complain about the innacuuracies if you want but its a spin off, a retelling of the original game. Its not canon, and it didn't change the original game. It just took the ideas presented there and made them more human and lest fantastical, there's some supernatural elements but it takes a backseat to the human moments. And its honestly really cool.

Overall, great game, i reccomend it if you don't mind some slight jank with the motion controls and honestly? Look up directions on where to go for the running segments and you'll have a pretty good time overall.

Silent Hill Downpour

Overall score (so far): 7.5/10 *to be noted i haven't finished actually playing it yet but I know the basic plot and some of the details so I doubt it'll change

And so for the final silent Hill Game, I have to say, i don't think it deserves NEARLY the hatred it gets, there's alot about it that i find really cool and even fun and I think its a solid entry, a little better than origins in some parts and its downsides are both unfortunate and once again, mostly Konami's fault . That said, I'm also not gonna kid and say its a good game, just that I like it alot and we should be nicer to the last silent Hill game were probably ever gonna get.

Downpour has a pretty good, original story overall, there's alot to it, alot of intricacies and intrigue to it that honestly make it a pretty sold silent Hill game. Its different enough from the others to stand out but not super far removed from its themes and messages. I like that it doesn't try and lean into the cult aspect and tries to do something else with it, it doesn't try to explain silent Hill, but just use it to torment the characters, as it should be. There's tragedy ad human feelings here and some of them aren't the most...sensitive but they are pretty reasonable reactions id say. Playing as someone who's odds are stacked against him from the beginning as he's a prisoner is a cool way to open the game, someone convicted and you must discover if he is a good person or not. Themes of revenge explored more than in sh3 which is pretty cool. The environments look pretty nice, and i like the look of the otherworld, once again being unique with its cooler color pallet, but without the ice so it really feels like its own thing. The EXPLORATION is awesome with an actual open world which I think works well, there's alot to do in town (unlike sh1 and 0 on limiting hardware and 2 which just pretends you can explore to town but you cant) there's alot for cool little stories and sidequests to do, my favorite so far being the cinema (which has a section of ACTUAL fixed cameras like old Resident evils which is smth SH has never done and its super fucking cool!) And all the sidequess help strengthen murphy as a cheacter and argue for his innocence or complexites. The weapons system is pretty cool, picking up items and attacking with whatever you might find, finding cool Easter eggs with exploration and having fun noticing things. And it does honestly have the strongest side characters outside of SM. The puzzles are pretty solid and fun to figure out with some cool mechanics and the seperate difficulties is a great thing to bring back (actually done well like sh3) I also kind of like the method of triggering the night world/rain/monsters, and silent Hill really feels likes its constantly punishing Murphy, as it should. The music might not be Akira but its still pretty damn good, and fuck yall I like the Korn song, and you CAN press start and skip it yknow. (Thx tomm hewlit)

The negtitives tho, well they are there. For one it has the worst performance of any sh game outside of pc homecoming and like...the hd collection, the framerate like to shit itself alot lmao, its not usually detrimental bc I've played re2r with similar framerates but, yeah its not great. Not to mention while the models look better than hc they don't animate well or often at all, and the game has trouble loading in the models as fast as they should. The sound mixing could use...some work too, poor murph sounds like he's eating the mic. While I find the games exploration really fun, murphy also has the issue of not running very fast so it can be a little annoying to get back to a place you want to be when you can't run that fast, not to mention the loading times. The monster design is def the worst in the series, maybe on par w SM. Which is disappointing bc there's some pretty good moments here and there, but not nearly enough to make it scary and there's so much you can do with monsters with this premise. Also, the running sections in the otherworld are better than SM ad even more engaging than the brief ones in 2 and 3, but still, I'd prefer to do puzzles or fight a boss or smth. I will also say, the endings are, iffy while the main 2 endings are really good and Anne's bad ending as well as the joke ending are great, murphys bad endings are weird and ooc for the muphy you come to know in the game (even more so than Origins) plus, idk that the writers knew all that much about prison andbprison culture, nobody in a real prison would be mad ab Murphy killing a pedo (there's some racist implications here and there too which is. Unfortunate and disappointing. I like Howard and Robbie but they are a bit tropey, esp Howard) that said Anne is a compelling albeit unlikable character and thas pretty cool to see pulled off.

Overall, while it has downsides, I don't think Downpour is worthy of all the scorn it gets, this can have problems and you can point them out without disregarding the good parts and while it is unfortunate it doesn't run better and have some extras and didn't handle some things great, I still think its worth a playthrough, esp if you go out of your way to do the sidequests.

Bonus round

Book of memories is not a game I intend to play bc I don't wanna get a vita and can't imagine I'm missing much. It doesn't look bad pwr say but I'm not interested tbh

Fuck PT. :)

[obscureoperations]

i’ve had this random concept in my head of martin talking about his s/o on the radio and s/o hearing it and figuring out he’s the count possibly confronting him etc

Oh my god I love this idea! Some of my favorite scenes were when he was on the phone. The way the radio station was his outlet. I know he would talk to them if he met someone. Not completed, there will definitely be a part two. I’m in the middle of trying to go through my asks.

~ For the most part things had been going quite well, you had been seeing Martin for a little over a month. You first noticed him when you went into Cuda’s shop, he seemed to notice you as well, he was extremely flustered when you stepped to the check out. You made small talk as he bagged your items, he seemed to go out of his way not to look at you. When he finally did, you were taken aback, he was even more breathtaking up close. You made it a point to stop in almost every other day, eventually the two of you built up a sort of friendship. He told you when he was off, when he would usually go on break...after a few weeks you finally asked him out. You were a nervous wreck for some reason, even though he knew the worst he could do was say no. He agreed instantly, and things pretty much bloomed from there. At this point the two of you were practically inseparable.

You made it a point to get him away from the hose, you started to look at the old man in a different light. If Cuda was as bad as Martin said, you didn’t even feel comfortable spending money at the shop. Your relationship turned physical faster than you liked to admit, but being with Martin felt so natural. There was a certain type of innocence about him--but at times you felt as though he was hiding something. 

He canceled plans with you a couple nights ago, which was odd--he usually went out of his way just to see you. You tried not to give it much thought,after all he had his own life. He claimed it had something to do with the family. He made up for it ten fold the very next day, he didn’t leave your side until right before dinner. 

You were supposed to see him later tonight. He told you that he would crawl out of his window and meet you around ten. You already knew what that meant. He wanted to stay the night, and that was completely fine. You had the day off from work and kept yourself mostly preoccupied. Running errands, tidying up. You wouldn’t have to do laundry for weeks. A strange sort of anticipation bubbled at the pit of your stomach for mostly the entire day. You were excited to see him sure--but there was something else. He had been acting pretty strange lately. He was more tired than usual, shaky almost jittery. He seemed to be more prone to headaches. The light really bothered his eyes, he was thirstier than normal, when the two of you were together he was more dominant than you were used to. You knew he couldn’t possibly be on drugs. You planned to ask him if anything was wrong tonight--if there was you could surely help.

It was about eight thirty when you flounced onto the bed, already eagerly glancing over to the clock. Questions had been forming in your head for most of the day and at this point you just wanted to know if something was wrong. With a sigh, you decided to turn on the radio, maybe some music would calm your thoughts. You ended up settling on your favorite talk radio station-- you were so preoccupied lately you hadn’t listened to it in weeks.

“Alright guys looks like we have a special treat, Guess who’s decided to grace us with his presence tonight?!”

This weird cheesy spooky tone starts to play in the background “You guessed right...it’s the Count!”

Your eyebrow immediately shot up towards your forehead, you remember listening to that guy. You followed his story intently, it was in fact a little before you met Martin. The guy was odd...to say the least--but if anything a brilliant storyteller. He claimed to be some sort of vampire, he needed blood to survive--he’d been around for eighty four years. He would stalk his victims before sedating them with some type of drug-- after that he would drink their blood. It was… interesting to say the least. Not your typical idea of a vampire, but he always stressed that it’s not like in the movies. He didn’t have a whole lot of women fawning over him desperate for him to take them in the middle of the night. If anything, he just seemed like this lonely kid, you almost felt bad--he seemed to really believe what he was saying. You always tried to picture what he would look like. He had this odd...cryptic way of speaking. He almost reminded you of Martin in the way that he would phrase things. You knew it was virtually impossible. Imagine you dating an actual ‘’vampire’’

“It’s been a good while Count, how the hell are ya?”

“Good. Really good.”

“Alright Man! We were starting to get a bit worried, you pretty much vanished for a month. Our listeners were getting antsy!”

“They were?” You had to bite down on the insides of your cheeks. He sounded genuinely confused, it was actually pretty adorable.

“Yeah man! Every other day.. “Hey you guys hear from the Count… whatever happened to the count? Do you think he got caught?!”

“I’m fine… I’m always fine.”

“Good! Thats  really good. Ya gotta tell us, what the hell has been goin on with you? You scope out any new victims… are ya feeling shakey? What’s happenin’??”

“Well.. yes and no. I haven’t really felt shaky until recently. But thats all over now. I’m okay.”

“Ohhh did you find a new one? A pretty lady perhaps?”

“No! I-I mean… It was just a bum. I can’t really stalk them like I used to. I just really needed blood.”

“You can’t stalk them...what does that mean? The cops onto you?” Obnoxious fake sirens begin to play.

He’s silent for a moment. “Shit… too much I think we lost him. Count...Count are you there?”

“I’m  here.” He says after a moment. You were on your stomach, clutching a pillow beneath your chin. The more and more he spoke, his voice began to sound so familiar. 

“I sort of met someone…’

More obnoxious sound effects, you can hear bursts of confetti  and party horns.You rolled your eyes, you wanted him to ‘speak’ Why did he suddenly sound so much like Martin?

“You met someone Count?! See I told ya man...just give it some time. When did you meet em?”

“About two months ago..” Your heart instantly sunk. It wasn’t possible, nope. No way in hell.

“How did you meet them?”

“I-  It was through work. They came in, and they were so pretty. I just---”

He’s silent for a long while.  Your heart was practically beating out of your chest. You remember hearing him talk about someone who was new in town shortly before you and Martin first  met. He told the hosts that he saw them at the train station, he instantly just knew that they were for him. Jay and Rick continued to ask probing questions. Asking if he meant that he found his next victim. The Count vehemently denied, simply stating that they were simply beautiful. He just wanted to learn more. You had arrived in Braddock about three months ago, you tried your damndest to recall the train ride. Did you see anyone who looked remotely like Martin? The answer was no. Surely you would have spotted him.

“ So you’re seeing someone Count… what are they like?!”

“They’re amazing.” He answers immediately this time. 

“They like to talk a lot, but it’s okay. I can tell they really listen to me…”

“Count, you sound smitten. “

“I am. I get to see them later tonight.”

If you weren't already sitting down, you were sure that you would have fainted. There were hardly any questions now. This had to be Martin. You wanted to puke, yet you were almost relieved. Shortly before you met you were listening to the Count in a certain way. You were repulsed by his actions, but his story intrigued you. If you really thought about it, you had developed a bit of a crush.

“So tell us more.. Do they know how you feel?”

“I think so. I haven’t really thought about blood since we started doing the sexy stuff..”

More fake confetti and sirens, you roll your eyes. At this point, you were convinced that you were dreaming. This couldn’t be real, absolutely not. Martin?

“Oh ho hooo… so it’s like that? Do you see things progressing?”

“I do, I really do. But- I’m scared.”

“Scared of what man?”

Radio static, he’s silent for an inordinate amount of time. At this point you were practically trembling. A whirlwind of emotions. Shock, betrayal, disgust, and relief. You really needed to talk to him right now.

“I’m scared because I think I’ve fallen in love.. A- and when I tell them… I’m gonna tell them. About me. I just know they’re going to leave.”

You continued to lay in the same position for a little over an hour. So that was it. You were right. You had no idea when tears began to spill from your eyes, but they did,they practically soaked through the pillow. You couldn't find it in you to move, or even fetch the glass of water that you  so desperately craved. Your throat was dry, you had no idea why you were so upset-- Rather you did. 

Why couldn’t he just tell you?

Your heart practically leaps out of your chest when you hear a faint tap at the window.  You bolt up almost instantly, desperately wiping at your eyes. You looked a mess, there was no way to hide the fact  that you had been crying. With a deep breath, you unlock the window,

[rue-king]

Family Found, Family Taken

(AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32892439)

Masterlist, Next Part

Summary: Gavin is tired, so tired. He is tired of being the bad guy, but thats just who he is he's mean and unapproachable. He can't be replaced, he just can't, work is all he has left to tie him to this world. It is the only thing that proves he's not as terrible as he feels.

But when the fancy RK900 unit walks in, along with a terrible string of murders, Gavin is pushed backwards. He can't on this way anymore, but he doesn't think he is capable of change.

This is his last chance, he is Gavin's last chance.

Warnings: cursing

Chapter 1:

Gavin Reed is a mess. A walking tragedy. Rough on every edge and totally banged up. From the scar on his nose to the little marks on his knuckles.

If the scruffy appearance and constant 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make it obvious then the darker than night eyebags and shitty attitude certainly does.

He looks rough, but he's not a bad guy, at least not internally. He's a man who feels too much and is easily hurt, but he would rather die than ask for help or express himself. The man has more baggage than an airport.

He’s bitter and cold, almost aloof in demeanor. A rabid dog with a muzzle on at all times, marked “dangerous don’t pet” only by fault of trusting too much.

A stray, left wondering all by his lonely self fulfilling prophecy of isolation.

A grade “A” mess.

He drags his sorry ass to the Detroit Police Station everyday and works himself to the bone because that's all he knows. It’s all he is able to do in order to tune out all the thoughts that he knows will drown him.

Not a team player in the slightest, but he's certainly one of the best detectives the DPD has seen in a long time. Stupidly efficient, his brain makes connections in ways that are unparalleled by his human peers. Too bad no one in the building likes him enough to let him know it.

Another consequence of his own actions, he is an asshole and he knows it. The only person he can call a friend is Tina Chen, but even then he feels as though she could do better. They all can. He is mean and cuts people off, unapproachable and snappy. Truthfully he’s surprised she's still around.

If it wasn’t for Fowler's firm hand he’d practically live in the building, it's not like he takes breaks anyway, but alas he has a shitty apartment with two demon babies to get back to anyway.

Bright and early on a Monday morning the man, the myth, the legend himself walks his groggy ass through the doors of the DPD. The caffeine withdrawal headache already encroaches on his brain and he sports a fresh set of bandages over his abused knuckles.

He keeps his head low and heads straight for the breakroom, aiming to get a cup of the worst coffee Detroit can offer. His reputation around the office has always been less than great, but ever since the android revolution his peers have been walking on eggshells around him.

He doesn’t blame them, it's not like he tried to hide his anti-android sentiment. He huffs quietly to himself, why would he care what those assholes think about him.

He prepares his shitty coffee and walks over to his shitty desk in the shitty bullpen. He’s dramatic like that. He doesn’t bother the anticipatory itch he feels deep in his chest that eggs him on to dive straight back into work. Like a craving, a workaholic.

Days are long and hard now that there has been mass losses in employment and crime skyrocketed. Reed just has to solve it all himself. Masochist.

He sits at his desk reviewing the last notes he took at the scene of his most recent case. Double homicide, suspected breaking and entering, but nothing was stolen.

He hears loud belly laughter come from the entrance of the bullpen, in comes Hank Anderson and his sidekick Conner.

Reed glances at the clock and snorts a bit.

Won’t you look at that, Hank Anderson is early for the first time in about a thousand years.

He shakes his head, and goes back to his notes. Normally he would throw out a rude remark or two, but he simply doesn’t have the energy today so he settles for an eye roll.

He is drop dead tired. Insomnia is a bitch and he hardly has an appetite anymore.

“Good morning Detective” Conner calls in a stupidly cheery tone.

“Fuck off” Gavin mutters back, his words lacking their usual bite. He just sounds defeated, deflated.

Conner hovers for a second longer in front of Gavin's desk. A second longer than usual, too long for Gavin’s liking. He moves his head up to call Conner out, but is met with nothing but air.

Whatever.

Gavin goes back to work, shuffling lightly under his desk. He is focused on nothing. Staring blankly at his own words in front of him, unable to comprehend what he is looking at. His mind is somewhere else, caught between nowhere and here.

He looks away quickly and puts his head in his hands.

Breathe in and out. Just focus, you idiot. Focus.

He rubs his eyes harder as the frustration moves like tides within his chest.

This is an improvement from Gavin Reed, if it were a few months ago he would've just slammed his hands on his desk and stalked off to go smoke. Not that anyone cares enough to know it of course.

He breathes in deep again and sets his mind to try one more time before he swears he’ll scream or something,

“Reed! My office now!” A deep yell calls out, breaking his second of peace. Fowler, of course.

He audibly groans. He hasn’t done anything wrong so why the hell would the captain want to see him.

“Ohhh, someones in trouble~” Tina Chen calls out, she’s barely walking into the area. She’s late, again Starbucks in her hand.

Not surprised.

“Bitch” he retorts, making his way toward Fowler's office. Tina laughs lightly and blows him a mocking kiss. Gavin just rolls his eyes.

Conner and Hank rise from their work stations to start after him.

Oh great, fan-fucking-tabulous. Reed huffs some more.

He opens Fowler's door with a hard swing, his patience slips away from him quickly.

The bad buddy cop flick duo follows behind him closely. Gavin elects to stay standing, way too anxious to sit and just accept whatever shit Fowler will be throwing at him.

Hank takes a seat, the other is already taken by Conner.

He does a double take, Conner is right next to him. Two Conners?

The not Conner turns a fraction.

“The fuck is this” Gavin questions and recieves a scathing look from Fowler.

Conner shuffles quietly next to him, the movement capturing his eye as it always does. Why does he look anxious, the fuck is wrong with him.

“Reed shut up and let me speak before you go butting in, '' Fowler dictates before continuing on, “this is RK900 and he will be assigned as your new partner.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t do partners, you know this Fowler. What makes you think I need one, much less that tin can.” Reed is quick to anger, well at least he has some energy now.

Has he not been efficient enough on his own? Fowler can’t just give him some pity babysitter to fix him up like Conner did with Hank.

“You do what I tell you to do, Reed. He is top of the line and you, annoyingly enough, have the best solve rates as of now. So he goes to you.” Fowler is strong with his statements and doesn’t leave room for arguing. Which doesn’t stop Gavin.

“What the fuck! That should mean that I don't need the help of that asshole! Dump him on someone else, it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Well you better make it make sense or else you can hand your badge over, Detective.” Gavin clenches his jaw, his eyes lit with anger.

“You don’t get any special privileges Reed, especially with your disciplinary file.”

Gavin huffs again shaking his head. “Well that doesn’t explain why these two are here” he gestures to Hank and Conner wildly with his hands. He treads more lightly with his words, he’s an idiot and a dick, but he will not lose his job over something as stupid as this.

“I asked them here in case you reacted poorly to this decision, much like you did” Fowler draws.

Yeah, yeah he's disappointed, when is he not.

“Yeah, quite the show you put on there, Reed” Hank mocks.

Go back to playing house, Hank.

Reed fumes, grinding his teeth. He could be so much meaner, but he holds back. All the energy that the anger gave him rapidly left his body and he’s left with tired resentment. A cold emptiness that leaves him chilly and lacking the will to continue fighting back.

“Are we done here?” He asks in a low tone, running a hand through his already messy hair.

“Well yes-”

It doesn’t matter what came after that, Reed saw the green light to leave.

“He‘s not well, Lieutenant”

“Conner it’s…”

He walks faster, escaping the muffled voices.

He sits back at his desk and grabs for his coffee. Empty already, great. He goes to make another cup, desperately wanting to get his mind off of the shitstorm that just happened.

Every other partner Reed has ever had did not last, they just couldn’t tolerate his shitty attitude. Essentially he ran them all off, like nannys to a terrible toddler.

This one will be no different, android or not, no one can put up with him for long. At least that's how Reed reassures himself.

Before he knows it he’s back at his desk, hot coffee in his hand and an absurdly tall knock off Conner in his way.

“The fuck out of the way, tin can” Gavin grumbles not even looking up to meet RK900’s eyes.

He doesn’t move.

“Did you not fucking hear me? Are you deaf, asshole?”

He moves a fraction, and Gavin takes it with a slight shoulder check to get to his seat.

Stupid not-Conner and his ugly fucking white jacket. Was gray not terrible enough?

Another small huff to himself. He’s been doing that more and more today.

He goes back to his notes. 5 minutes has passed and not-Conner continues to stand unmoving in front of Gavin’s desk.

He tries to ignore it, but he can’t stand seeing the stark white shadow in his peripheral vision. Looming like a cage starting to close in.

“Can you not just fuckin stand there like a freak?” Gavin snaps, finally looking the RK unit in the face.

Maybe he isn’t like Connor. RK is sharp and cold with defined cheekbones and pale blue eyes. Connor is warm in demeanor and soft where RK seems impenetrable and well…  intimidating.

“I am assuming that that empty desk is mine to use?”

Even his voice is different, this one is firm and lower in pitch compared to Connor’s.

Reed lags behind a beat, taking in all the information he can from what's before him. RKs suit is clean and pressed, untouched by the qualms of living. He looks shiny and brand new, but the disdain in his eyes says otherwise.

His posture is stiff and the collar on his neck more so, making RK look down with his eyes and a miniature head tilt. It makes him look condescending, physically and metaphorically looking down on him.

Gavin curls his lip, dislike drags within him. “If it gets you to fuck off than yeah, knock yourself out, tincan.”

An hour or two, or three, passes. Gavin manages to transfer his written reports onto his terminal. Using the work to blissfully tune out the presence to his right. RK900 staring blankly at the terminal with a flashing yellow light circling at his temple.

Gavin has so many questions swirling around his head, but has too big of a pride to ask them. Asking would mean being civil and he is NOT going to do that. Instead he’s elected to just simply pretend that his brand new partner doesn’t exist at all. That's all he can manage with the lack of energy he has at the moment.

Besides, it's not like his fancy new plastic counterpart is aching to talk to him anyway. He just sits there with his perfect posture in perfect silence. For once Gavin is thankful for his ability to just fall into his work, because it provides the perfect distraction.

(stay tuned for the next chapter!)

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[leonardo-capulet]

Pull Me Through || Cris & Leo

Who: Cristian & Leo Capulet

What: After a second, difficult therapy session Leo calls on Cristian’s help before slipping up, they meet up for coffee. Leo opens up about the most critical event in his past and makes mistakes. As usual.

Where: Unnamed Cafe

When: February 28th, 2022

Trigger Warnings: Just want to be careful so the TW are as follows - death, depression, PTSD, alcoholism... etc...

Cristian sat staring at the text as he sipped at his coffee, a mixture of emotions passing through him. He’d told Leo he would be there if he did therapy... and was relieved the Dominant was getting help— and communicating... But it didn’t change how confusing and difficult it was for the submissive to meet with him either. He needed to keep space to some degree— to make sure Leo didn’t rely on him too much, since it was obvious he still had feelings for Cristian... Something that again left Cristian with a confusing mix of emotions... And the last thing Cristian wanted was to be hurt again. His life finally felt semi normal again— and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed trying to date again and meet people. He’d been on a handful of dates with Dominants over the past few weeks, enjoying himself far more than he’d planned. Hell, he even was seeing Jian again after he chatted with Leo, much to his own surprise. He felt confident again, even if it wasn’t where he’d seen his life going perhaps. Did he still care about Leo though? Of course. He just didn’t want to lead Leo on... Or risk falling for the Dominant again. It would simply be too easy to fall back into old habits and give into the lingering feelings he still had for Leo— but it wasn’t worth the chance of getting hurt again. The submissive didn’t trust himself to recover a second time if Leo ever left him, and it was that thought that reassured him it was the right call to push purely for a friendship with Leo at this point. To help him... but make it clear he couldn’t be more. Sure He texted back. He had somethings he needed to do for work, but he could push them off till later in the evening. Where do you want to meet? Or would you prefer to call?

Leo hated the fact that he was feeling this weak. This broken down. Too many bad habits built up over years worth of time. He wanted to be someone better and stronger than all this. Although, he supposed, therapy was supposed to help with that. Everything hurt too much, bringing up the past only made him relive it. Perhaps, he shouldn’t have asked Cristian for company, but he had nobody else. He’d made sure to isolate himself from everyone. There was nobody else he trusted to speak to. Once again, he reminded himself that even if Cristian helped him, it was nothing more than friendship. Nothing more than being a good and kind person, someone far better than he could ever be. So, when the text came back, he stared at it for a moment swallowing back the relief he felt.

Coffee? Maybe? If that’s okay?

He followed that text with an address to the coffee shop he intended to go to, and made his way in that direction.

The submissive sighed in relief when he saw the coffee shop address wasn’t as far as Leo’s apartment had been. In the current traffic it would easily still take 30 minutes though, but he didn’t bother mentioning it if that was where Leo wanted to meet. His gaze darted to the coffee he held in his other hand, bringing it to his lips to finish off what was left. Did he need more caffeine at the moment? No, but he’d just get decaf or a tea, he muses to himself. Thats fine. Why don’t we plan to meet in an hour? That would at least give him enough time to finish up what he was doing and not rush there. Thankfully he had a while still before meeting up with Jian, so he wasn’t overly concerned for time.

When the next text came through, Leo checked his watch, and decided it wouldn’t matter if he was early. Better he was early than late, and he didn’t have time to go home first. If he did, he surely wouldn’t come back out and he didn’t want to sit in his apartment alone. That’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour, and thank you. Despite the lack of alcohol, Leo found himself slowly pulling himself out of the dark hole he felt he was in. Somehow, mentioning Alex, going through every single moment of what happened, it made him see things clearly. He wouldn’t have been able to save Alex. It was an unfortunate accident, unfortunate circumstance. Leo was surprised he was starting to feel less of the pain, less of the guilt, although it certainly weighed on him and he still didn’t completely relinquish the blame he shouldered. Arriving at the coffee shop some time later, he ordered a cup and found a table with the most privacy possible to sit, staring down into his cup as he thought over the session he’d had today.

Cristian arrived several minutes early, as was typical for the submissive. What he had not expected was to spot Leo already at a table off in the corner, coffee in hand. Quickly grabbing himself a cup of tea, he made his way over to join the older Capulet, giving a weak but polite smile as he approached. “Hopefully I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Having been lost in his thoughts, Leo hadn’t noticed when Cristian arrived. Lifting his head to see the submissive, he surveyed the smile on his face. It bothered him, seeing that particular smile. This wasn’t the smile that he was used to, it wasn’t the genuine smile that he’d come to love, and that made him feel uneasy. Trying not to show it, he shook his head, unable to smile as his mind was still reeling from his therapy session. His eyes lowered back down to the cup in his hand. “I wasn’t waiting long.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry to ask you to come, I didn’t know what else to do and... quite frankly... I’m not feeling very in control of myself at the moment.” Weak. Thats how he was feeling at the moment, but he couldn’t bear looking at Cristian knowing he wasn’t able to handle what was discussed in his session once again. He’d already seen Leo drunk, for the first time, now he was seeing Leo completely weak. The thought made him even more nauseous, but it was either have Cristian there with him and find a reason to continue pushing past the pain, or do this alone and likely fall into his old habits.

Cristian slid into the seat opposite Leo, lips curling into a frown. It was as he feared, considering the other's interest in meeting up. He really shouldn't have felt surprised. "I'm presuming.. You went to therapy then and it was a big much? Or is it something else?"

A heavy sigh escaped Leo, and his head dipped down lower. "No, it was therapy. We talked about it... it was the first time I've talked about it... about him..." Leo's fingers tapped on the coffee cup before he said the name out loud. "About Alex. I talked about what happened, everything that happened." He took a shaky breath and brought a hand to his face, covering it for a moment as he shook his head. "I know I shouldn't be bothering you... but the therapist suggested that talking about it would make it easier. Anyway, I don't expect you to be the one to listen to it all... it's just hard. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm reliving it all over again." Still, he didn't look up, or meet Cristian's gaze. This one event had changed everything, it had been the catalyst for everything that happened after, and all of Leo's terrible mistakes. "This was somehow harder to talk about than the military... maybe it's because it was the last thing to happen... maybe because he was family. I don't know. Maybe because I made the worst decision of my life after it... the first thing I thought about when I left this session? I wanted to drink. Then that made me think... when did I become the person who needed alcohol to cope? When did I become the man who got so drunk he could hardly function? I used to look at people like that, people who were too drunk to be in control, and I hated it. Then I became that. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... and all this because I didn't know how to face what happened... not the right way. And even now, I'm still sitting here in front of you, wondering if drinking wouldn't still make this easier."

“Oh Leo,” Cristian responded softly. One hand was wrapped around his drink, the other reaching out to gently lay upon Leo’s lower arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to discuss... but I’m glad you still went and tried, yeah?...” He gave the Dominant’s arm a gentle squeeze adding, “Alex isn’t an easy topic for anyone, Leo. But me or anyone else in the family will always listen if you need to talk about it... him.” Alex knew the risks. They all did. Leo just seemed to have trouble accepting that fact which had otherwise helped the rest of the family cope with the loss. Hearing the other discuss his drinking habits wasn’t particularly comforting though, and reassured Cristian he’d made the right call dumping what he’d found at Leo’s down the sink. “Drinking would not help this though. You’re a smart man— you know it was only delaying you thinking about it. Delaying reaching this point in the path to recovery, yeah?”

Feeling Cristian's hand on his arm was comforting, and he was grateful for the gesture. Still, Leo kept his eyes lowered and he merely nodded at what Cristian was saying. "I want to get better. I really do and I know that talking about this is going to end up helping... but it doesn't make today, and right now the easiest. I don't want to talk to the family. There's nobody in the family who knows... knew me better than you did." That was the truth, but Cristian had also made an effort to know him, and Leo felt comfortable telling him things, even if they were small bits of himself. Leo was aware he was difficult to truly get to know. "The only person I can see myself talking about this to always ends up being you, but I can't help feeling like it's unfair to you." He kept putting so much of his burden on Cristian, and the submissive didn't deserve all of that. Thinking about the drinking, the way the alcohol had made him feel, he nodded. "I know that now. I see what it was doing to me, and you're right, it was slowing down my ability to recover from it all. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and I have to keep reminding myself that it'll get easier with time."

Cristian cringed first the briefest moment before forcing a polite smile again, somewhat grateful Leo’s gaze wasn’t on him 100%. It definitely felt a bit unfair to the submissive, but he understood Leo lacked many other options. It was unfortunate, and Cristian knew there was no way he could not help the other. “Well... the first step is recognizing that, Leo. Whether or not you can learn to control your drinking— or if it’s something you need to perhaps stop entirely, will be up to you. Nobody expects you to be perfect at it though. Trying to identify situations and triggers though that lead to that behavior is a good start.”

He could only shrug at what Cristian said at first. Then, finally, he said, "I expect myself to be perfect. It's like I told you before... I expect better from myself. I set high expectations for myself, and I expect to meet them. The drinking... that's going to stop. It has to. I just... today was hard, but I'll figure it out because I have to. It's just easier to make sure that I don't make that mistake again when you're here." Another shrug, and he pulled his arm away from Cristian, wrapping his arms around himself, and his eyes flicked up to the submissive before looking back down. "I won't talk to you about what happened unless you ask. It's not fair to you." He'd just talk about it with the therapist, it was easier that way. Lifting a hand, he ran his fingers through his hair again before sighing. "Sorry, for this and everything else. Seems like you were right, when you said I keep screwing you over." He let out a harsh laugh. "I fucked up, and now I'm asking you for help and support when I don't have any right to it. Yet, here you are, and I don't know why. I'll never be able to thank you enough for this... for the help, for even sitting here and listening to me."

The submissive couldn’t help the bit of irritation he felt with Leo’s type A perfectionist personality at times like this. “You know as much as I respect someone who tried to get things just right, it doesn’t make them a bad person or failure if it doesn’t always work out,” Cristian retorted, voice slightly more stern. “Stop expecting yourself to be so damn Perfect, Leo. You’re not and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that right now more than ever, so why set an impossible goal?” He paused to bring his mug to his lips, frustrated that Leo had pulled away and was making excuses. “You may not be being fair to me, but you’re also not being fair to yourself, Leo.” He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, tone relaxing when he realized he was beginning to feel a bit heated. “Look... I’m here now. I gave you my word I’d meet at times when it felt easier to just drink alone at home instead of go out. I’m not backing down on that, and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to call me... I’m not going to pressure you to chat about your sessions, regardless of what your therapist suggests. You can, or we can talk about anything else that gets your mind off it if you want. But I will not sit here if you’re just going to keep putting yourself down, Leo.”

Cristian’s words were like a shock to the system. It wasn’t anything that Leo didn’t already know. He’d already thought about his impossible goals for himself. Still, hearing it from the submissive seemed to pass through whatever barrier he had stubbornly set for himself. “You’re right.” He said softly. “Maybe I set those goals for myself because I hope to reach something close to it sometime.” He finally looked up at Cristian, letting his gaze settle on the other for a moment before saying, “Funny, isn’t it, how I used to be one ridiculously cocky son of a bitch. But I find it difficult not to be hard on myself when I look at the mistakes I’ve made... and I’m not talking about all of those in the military, or even Alex.” He sighed bringing his arms back onto the table as he leaned forward slightly. “Do you want to know... what happened? What really happened, and why it bothers me so much? Because I’ll tell you. I’ll get it out in the open, whatever it is you want to know. Anything you want to know. It’ll be easier to be honest anyway.”

“There’s a lot I’d like to know, Leo,” the submissive responded after a moment, deciding to be careful about his wording. His mind immediately went to their breakup when Leo denied his focus being the military or Alex with his comments, though Cristian knew it could be several things. “But... what matters more to me is your comfort discussing all of this, and it being positive discussion versus something that’s only going to hurt you— both of us— more.”  He set down his tea and reached out again, reaching directly for one of the Dominant’s hands to clasp in his own. “I... I’m sorry you’re hurting... And that it took two years apart for you to feel you could sit down and try to have conversations like this. Yes— I was angry with you— and I think a small part of me still is if I’m honest.” His blowup seeing Leo at the bar was proof enough emotions lingered. “But I was mostly worried, Leo. Scared... Confused. And as much as I might like to know what happened, I’m just relieved seeing you here— alive. That’s much more important to me right now.” He gave Leo’s hand another squeeze, thinking back to a lot of his own therapy he’d attended that had helped him process Leo’s absence. He forced a sad smile, continuing, “I... already accepted that a lot was out of my control, whether I liked it or not. I think at this point acceptance of the past might be a positive step forward for both of us.”

Leo didn’t move away this time. His other hand covering Cristian’s. He let the submissive speak without interruption. His eyes lingered on their joined hands for a moment before looking back at the other male. “I understand why you’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you at all... and I’m sorry for making you worried, scared, and confused. What I did was wrong, it was selfish... I know that now, and I’m so sorry for that. I can only say if I could do it again, I would never have made the same choice.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I am okay... I’m okay with discussing anything with you. So, you’re saying there’s a lot you want to know... and there’s a lot I’m wanting to answer. Just ask me whatever it is, and I’ll start there, I’ll answer whatever you need and I’ll do my best not to be too hard on myself. I just think once everything’s out in the open, maybe we can find some way to move past it... or maybe it’s just me that needs to find a way to move forward, either way... I want to talk to you, I do, even if it’s hard to say.”

Cristian shook his head, biting his lip for a moment as to not lose composure. Getting those apologies from Leo— a sober Leo— meant a lot, even if they didn’t undo the damage. But he didn’t come to the cafe to discuss what they had been. His hand began to feel uncomfortably warm and sweaty in the Dominant’s, and he found himself gently pulling it back, as much as it hurt to let go of the other’s touch. “Leo, I told you we could meet if you felt yourself teetering towards drinking and were alone. I thought... I thought you needed to talk about your therapy session. I didn’t come here looking for answers. Regardless of what I want or wanted to know, as I said I’ve already accepted what happened regardless. It feels like you’re trying to push this conversation though as if it’s going to magically fix everything for you.” He sighed, pausing and sipping at his drink again to buy himself time. “What... what do you want to talk about or tell me. Why don’t we just go with that?”

It was his own fault for changing gears. Leo nodded and as the submissive pulled away he clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking. No use in apologizing again for having changed the topic. “Okay. I’m just trying to hold it together, Cristian... but alright. Might as well rip off the bandaid and talk about what caused me to call you:” Leo focused his gaze on his coffee cup. He wasn’t going to make it through this discussion if he looked at Cristian. He’d already gone through the story once today, it was going to live on repeat in his mind for the coming days, talking about it now wasn’t going to make it worse. “Alright, well, I’ll just start with the day it happened since you already know everything before that.” They’d kept in contact when he was gone, Cristian was aware of everything that had passed before the day Alex died, before he caught the person they were tracking. “If at any point you need me to stop... just... just tell me and I will.... I’ll understand.” His hands unconsciously gripped tighter, as if the tighter he held on the more likely he would be to control his emotions.

Cristian was somewhat relieved when the tone seemed to shift, nodding in understanding. It was tempting to reach back out and take the Dominant’s hand again, but for now he wanted to see if Leo was strong enough to get the words out on his own.

Taking the submissive’s silence as a confirmation that he could start, Leo took a deep and shaky breath and launched into the story, beginning with that morning. The words started off slow, however it wasn’t until he got closer to Alex’s death that his throat tightened again. He closed his eyes, seeing everything as vividly as when it happened that same day. The series of events happening slowly. He could see each thing happening like a domino effect of events to the point where Leo could see what was about to happen, but it was too late. He wouldn’t make it in time to stop anything, he couldn’t reach Alex in time no matter how fast he ran, and he had run. He’d gone faster than he ever had before. Leo stopped then, at the part where he’d reached Alex. He tried to swallow, his hands hurting from how tightly he held them, but he could feel them still shaking despite his efforts not to. It took a moment before he continued on, all the way through capturing the man, but not after sustaining his own injury. Once he was done he paused feeling the grief as if it were new all over again. “Do you know why it was so hard for me? I know that they knew the risks... but I should have seen the warning signs sooner, and when I did realize what was happening, it was too late. I might have stopped it all if I’d just... paid better attention. I’m trained to do this, Cristian. I’ve saved plenty of others before, people who were family, people who weren’t as good as Alex, and I failed him when he needed me.”

The submissive’s eyes stung as he listened, not surprised at the topic but rather by the detail Leo went into this time as he retold the events. The big chunks of what had happened weren’t actually new... He’d been Tybalt’s personal assistant and thus had known almost as much as the Head of their house regarding the fallout after. And he’d witnessed the changes in Leo. Still, here was his ex blaming himself again for something that wasn’t his fault. Alex had known how dangerous it was when he volunteered, and he certainly couldn’t see the deceased cousin happy to see his family struggling to process his death still years later. “Leo, Alex knew these risks too,” he urged sternly, frowning. “He wasn’t a child. He knew, and as much as you blame yourself, it’s not your fault, sweetheart.” His hand reached back out cautiously, gently laying on top of Leo’s clasped hands. “Do you think he would want to see you blaming yourself? Letting your life come to a halt because of his? ... No, Leo. He wouldn’t, trust me. If- I had been who was with you, not him, and the same fate befell me, I would never want to see you struggling like this. Mourn me for a period of time, sure, but never to blame yourself for what happened. He would want you and the rest of the family to be happy and at peace... To enjoy Verona finally calming down and both our family and the Montagues at peace. You didn’t hurt Alex— those horrible men did. None of what happened to him is your fault.”

Tears brimmed his eyes before spilling over and he pulled one of his hands away fo rub his palm over his face to rid it of the tears. He cleared his throat and said, “I know... I know... but it doesn’t change how I wanted to save him... I wanted to save him so bad,” His brow furrowed as he tried to calm himself down. “I don’t know why it’s always me. Why do I have to keep seeing friends die? I know there’s nothing I can do to stop fate, but I still keep wondering... why wasn’t it me? Why them?” He shook his head and used his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I guess in the end that’s the real problem I have with everything. How much can a man see? It’s... God, Cris... it’s... the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, seeing a man die. It can break a man... seeing things like that.” And it had broken many men and women for centuries. He was merely one of many. “Maybe it’s not my fault... maybe no matter what I'd done I still wouldn’t have been able to change the outcome... but it hurts, and it just keeps haunting me, and I keep doubting myself and whether I’m good enough at my job. Should I be doing my job? And why... again... why me? These are all things that keep running through my head.”

Perhaps if Cristian had had more of a spine he’d have remained where he sat— but he’d always had a soft heart, wanting to help others. He may have come off as rude or boss at times, but he hated seeing sights like the one in front of him. Not wanting to deal with anyone who might glance their way, and wanting to comfort, Cristian pulled his hand away from Leo and held up a napkin to the other Incase he would want to dry his eyes. It was intentional, moving to stand then and repositioning his chair so it was beside Leo, effectively sandwiching the Dominant between himself and the wall, with thankfully only a wall in front of them. “Leo,” he repeated again softly as he slid into the chair. His arms immediately slid around the Dominant tenderly, not minding how tense the other felt and hoping he could relieve some of the other’s pain. How often had he cried over this alone? Hid it from Cristian in the past, even when he’d been there for him? “I’m beyond grateful it wasn’t you, sweetheart.” Maybe.... Leo did need a career change though? Something behind a desk similar to Cristian? Certainly less dangerous clients and assignments. He rubbed gentle circles on Leo’s back adding, “You’re excellent at your job, you are... but maybe you could look into something a bit easier down the road? On your heart, if nothing else, yeah? Being a personal bodyguard doesn’t have to be it for you, if you’ve had enough. And nobody would blame you for needing a change of pace.”

It took a moment to register that Cristian had moved next to him. Leo didn’t move at first, but eventually he leaned into the comforting touch. The calming effect that the submissive had was still shocking to Leo. He wondered if he’d opened up before he left, would he have figure this all out sooner? Would he started healing faster? It seemed like wasted time, so much wasted time. He registered a question, “You’re grateful it wasn’t me?” He thought over the potential of switching jobs. “Personal security is supposed to be the safer option. Maybe someday... I don’t know, I’ve been told I’m really good, really thorough at my job. I don’t even know what else I’d do... but it does almost feel like it’s only a matter of time. Kind of like a cat with nine lives. Like I’m still going on borrowed time.” Oddly, that didn’t bother him. The possibility that his time might come in the line of duty? Not a fear for him. It probably should be, but it seemed pointless for him to worry about something like that. Leo turned his head to look at Cristian. “Going to Verona was supposed to be safe for me. I was supposed to settle... finally find a home. I didn’t want to move anymore. Then all of that happened and I couldn’t face it, the death and the guilt. It’s easy to tell me that it’s not my fault and I understand why... it’s just going to take me a little while before I can believe it... Just... don’t give up on me yet, Cristian. I’ll heal, and I won’t hurt anymore. At least I’m not holding everything in.. I promise I won’t hold it all in anymore.”

Cristian sincerely hoped Leo would heal... And that the Dominant believed his own words. He had to bite his tongue though, holding back when he almost spoke his mind. You had a home in Verona. Me. Instead, he buried his own head in Leo’s neck for a moment himself, sighing. “That’s all... anyone can ask for, Leo. But yes— I’m grateful you’re alive— that you’re here,” he admitted And paused to pull back enough to look the Dominant in the eyes. “I didn’t imagine I’d ever even have you here like this to be honest. So perhaps it’s selfish... but I’m glad it wasn’t you. I have no regrets in regards to that line of thought either... Alex... he was family, and loved and is dearly missed. But mercifully... he wasn’t seeing anyone. He didn’t have someone waiting for his safe return like I was. Losing you would have been all of those things and so much worse, Leo.”

God, Cristian was so close, and as the submissive buried his head in Leo’s neck, he tightened couldn’t help but pull Cristian in close. Meeting the other’s eyes, he listened to the words being spoken and he tried hard not to read into it. Leo had come back to Cristian, but not the same. Instead, he’d returned a broken man, unable to work past the things in his mind. Listening to every word the other said only made him wish he could do something to make up for walking away. As he sat there staring back into those blue eyes he loved so much, he knew he shouldn’t do what he wanted to do. But if he could just kiss him again. Leo leaned in, feeling an ache inside him, one that yearned for Cristian. A million different things crossed through his mind, a million words, but none of them seemed sufficient after what the other had said. He knew in the back of his mind that Cristian didn’t want anything like what they had. He knew that whatever love he’d had for Leo, it wasn’t there anymore, and if love was there at all it wasn’t what it used to be. Only Leo was hanging on, and as he stared back into Cristian’s eyes he felt himself react before he could talk himself out of it again as one hand lifted and rested on the side of the submissive’s face and his lips found Cristian’s. He knew that he shouldn’t, worried he would push the other away, but in that split second as his lips met the other male’s he poured every bit of love and emotion he could. If it was the last memory he would have of him, he wouldn’t leave any questions. He’d always been the man to speak through his actions, and he did that now swallowing back regret and clinging to hope.

He knew he should have seen it coming. Cristian knew Leo still had feelings for him. His body tensed the moment he felt Leo’s lips against his own, frozen in shock. He reflexively relaxed a moment later, only to break the kiss when he realized what he’d— what they had done, eyes wide and glossy, face masked in shame. He was over Leo. He’d worked hard to move on— and the last thing he wanted was to relapse into the depression he’d worked so hard to climb out of after Leo left. The words fell from his lips defensively, despite the fact they were a lie. “I’m seeing someone.” His gaze flickered down to his lap, terrified of the other’s reaction. It wasn’t 100% a lie... Cristian had been dating around— though nothing too serious. Still, Leo didn’t know that, and as much as he felt like an asshole for saying it, it was the first thing that came to mind. “I-“ His throat felt swollen, practically choking out the rest of what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry if I misled you— I shouldn’t... I— I already told you, Leo... I think it’s better— healthier for the both of us if we work towards a friendship... And not rush into something that we might end up regretting.” He glanced back up, eyes wet as he forced a smile and added, “You mean a lot to me, but I don’t want to risk losing that, you know?”

God dammit. He shouldn't have done it. He knew he shouldn't have done it and yet... his body reacted without thought. Well. Now Leo would pay for, yet again, another thing he'd done wrong. He loved Cristian, loved. That wasn't an emotion he allowed for anyone. Apparently, there was a reason for it. The vulnerability that came with that? It was too much. He found himself thinking for a moment that he wished things had gone differently after all, Alex alive, him... well, it would have made things far easier. He felt guilty thinking that. The moment that Cristian said he was seeing someone, Leo tensed, feeling a cold wash over him at the realization. Cristian had moved on, of course he had. How could he forget? Leo would be paying for a terrible decision he'd made when he was in the worst possible mindset, and it was no excuse, but he hated it just the same. Even though the other was talking, Leo could hardly hear the words, hardly process what was being said as swallowed back embarrassment and disappointment. "No... no, it wasn't you. This was all my fault." He heard himself saying, as if it were coming from someone else. He meant a lot to Cristian. As a friend. Leo was going to have to learn to live with that fact. But he couldn't figure out how someone could live watching the person they were completely in love with, fall in love with someone else. How could he have thought that this was the best option? God, how could he be so stupid? His urge to leave was screaming at him, but being trapped as he was between Cristian and the wall Leo simply buried his face in his hands. What a fucking day.

Cristian frowned, feeling horrible as he watched the Dominant’s reaction. Shit. He immediately felt guilty for lying to Leo, but... But he’d kissed him, and Cristian was still trying to process the fact he hadn’t exactly pushed him off immediately. The fact Leo... he felt different yet the same— and there had been a scary desperation and love poured into the short moment. “Leo... Leo— look at me,” he urged, one hand moving hesitantly to the Dominant’s back again.

It was the way that Cristian said his name, a hand on his back, it had him turning his head to look at the submissive. His eyes meeting the other and swallowing again. He didn't know what was about to be said, what was about to happen, but he tried not to feel dread over what he'd done. His eyes ran over the submissive's face, fighting that urge to reach out for him once again.

“If you insist on taking blame, then please also accept my forgiveness, okay?” His hand moved from Leo’s back to gently cup the Dominant’s cheek for the briefest moment. “If this close of physical contact is too much for you, that’s my fault, and I’ll try to keep some distance if you’d prefer. I know I can be... touchy. I just care about you and don’t want you to ever forget that, alright? But I just.. don’t think I can offer you more than friendship, Leo.” He shook his head, explaining, “I’m not the same person I was two years ago. You said you loved me... But you love me from two years ago. A memory of me.” Cristian’s voice was soft as he spoke, reflecting on the fact Leo had also changed just as much. “I want to be there for you and help you get better, but using who I was two years ago as a crutch... I can’t be that person for you. I’m not him anymore.”

Leo's face softened, although his eyes were still sad, and he closed his eyes at the touch, savoring the feel of the submissive's hand on his face for too short a moment. "You have nothing to apologize for." He began, but after Cristian finished speaking Leo sat up straight, his eyes locked on the submissive. "I know you're not the same. I'm not the same. No person would ever be the same after two years, even if the things that happened for us hadn't happened, we still would be different." Leo didn't know the changes in Cristian but from the small bits of interaction they'd had he knew something for certain. "I love you. And yes, we've both changed... but the important things about you haven't changed. You're still good, Cristian, you're still incredibly good, and just what you've shown me so far? That isn't likely to change, but... if you want to be there for me as a friend. I can respect that. I'm not... well, you're seeing someone and it is what it is. I can handle whatever you give me, whether it's touchy, or not. I just know one thing... I don't want you to keep some distance. I would much rather have your support."

The submissive’s lips split into a genuine, relaxed smile at Leo’s response, utterly relieved. As much as he hated to lie to Leo, Cristian was scared of him and what they’d had— and how it had hurt. Being around him still made Cristian feel horribly anxious as if he was going to run off again at any moment — yet he couldn’t deny a small part of him was also thrilled, having missed him so. He knew it was probably unhealthy for the both of them, but Cristian silently felt his heart warm each time Leo mentioned loving him— words he’d missed for too long. If the little lie meant he could get to know Leo again without it being more then so be it. Was it selfish? Definitely. But in that moment, Cristian didn’t care. “You will always have my support, Leo Capulet. Always,” he promised.

[egotisticalee]

angelii-ii replied to your post

“angelii-ii: ok but them talking about pain reminded me of some of my...”

oh I'm down if you want to talk about them dude fdjhgfdjh

you know what? its pain story time gsdfdsfsdfsd ill put em all under a read more. tws for a couple vague mentions of blood, some unsanitary kinda stuff, menstruation, brief mention of surgery (not in any detail) and some detailed descriptions of a whole lotta pain.

okay so in remembering all my pain stories, ive remembered quite a few injuries i got when i was little, that i dont really remember the pain of, i just remember that it was painful, including

falling (with extra momentum) and splitting my gum open on cobblestones

getting smashed in the face with a dodgeball

that time i got a throat infection so bad that breathing hurt and i sat in the school office for several hours before my mum picked me up

falling off monkey bars, landing on my butt and being so winded that i couldn’t speak for ten minutes

being pulled over by my nana’s dog, landing on my shoulder and yet again being winded, this time so bad that i couldn’t breathe in for about ten seconds and for those ten seconds i genuinely thought i might die

that time i got a bladder infection - i remember writhing in pain in the backseat of my mum’s car as she drove me to A&E but i don’t really actually remember the pain

the chronic stomachaches i would have that i recently realised might be connected to my possible lactose intolerance/sensitivity and the fact that i pretty much only drank milk as a child (can you guess how the bladder infection happened)

with doing pole, i constantly get covered in bruises and such and a lot of moves cause some low-level pain but that’s because of the grip - the pain is mostly due to like, the pulling on the skin and its never really more than a few bruises and some tender skin on the thighs (except for that time where i somehow tore the skin of my thigh... underneath the top layer of skin fsdsadsa). the closest i’ve gotten to a proper pole injury is falling out of a duchess onto my arse and being a little more bruised that usual, and the several times in the past couple months that i’ve smashed my head into the pole whilst doing a flying cat at full power. 

and honestly pole has done a lot for my pain threshold. it’s like, i notice the pain is there, but it doesn’t bother me because i’ve felt it so often. and its also because i know that the pain of keeping this grip is way way less than the pain that i will feel if i let go sdfsdfsdfsd i find myself with so many small bruises now that i know aren’t from pole because of the position of them but i cant think where i got them - because they’re probably from bumping into things and that pain is so small and common to me that i immediately forget about it

on the other hand i also have. really bad hips. and sometimes when im just moving, ill catch a nerve and a shot of pain will go through my entire leg and that shit hurts. ive noticed it most commonly happens if i twist when im stepping somewhere but i dont turn the leg thats planted. i was also once balancing on one leg whilst putting a sock on and my hip just. popped out. and i think it immediately went back but i couldnt properly move that leg for ten minutes and i was in a fair bit of pain

my worst pain experiences though... hoo boy. i kinda narrowed them down to three.

im afab and i have periods so of course i gotta deal with cramps every so often, and they can get pretty bad - just like, doubled over, seeking out anything warm to put on my stomach. i’d say about a 5 on the pain scale. but after my gsce exams (exams that uk kids take in year 11 which is the equivalent of sophomore year of high school. they’re the first exams you take that you get an actual qualification from) i didnt have my period for 3 months. and if im late on my period, my cramps get bad. so on the 17th august, a week before my 16th birthday, ya boy was in fucking agony and for some reason in my brain i was also vehemently against taking any painkillers. eventually my nana convinced me to take one of her morphine tablets though and i felt way better hdfgdsff

theres also the time last november when i got an ear infection. earlier that day i had had a massive nosebleed that lasted for about 20 minutes and made me feel super woozy, so along with all the shit that came with dealing with that (i had to go to A&E to get checked out) it was already a pretty rough day. and then that evening my ear started hurting real bad and it just progressively got worse, and i hardly slept that night at all. i was in pure agony by like. 1am and it lasted the entirety of the night, no matter that i took painkillers. the only reprieve i got was at one point, i was watching yt videos and an ad for headspace came on, and i listened along to the meditation thingy it was doing, but of course once the ad was over, the pain was back full force and i could do nothing but cry (so of course i started to get a headache on top of all of it). thankfully once i got to the doctors the next day and got some antibiotics, it cleared up super fast. i was also talking to darkwarf (i wont tag him so he doesnt have to read this fdsffds) and funnily enough our talks that night were what birthed his character teddy.

and then what i think is officially the worst pain ive ever been in, was the first time i got my tailbone infection. me and my mum went on a coach to a roller derby game and at the end of the day my tailbone was aching quite a bit, as if i’d bruised it. i brushed it off as just being the fact that i had sat in shitty coach seats for several hours, then uncomfortable plastic chairs for more hours, then shitty coach seats again. the next day though. ya boi was in agony again. i could not find any way to be comfortable - the closest i could get to comfort was standing. every movement of my hips was pure pain and i couldnt walk properly. the pain was so bad i just could not put one foot in front of the other and i ended up walking by essentially swiveling on each foot and keeping my hips as still as possible.  the worst part was when my mum drove me to the walk in centre - although i knew that i was going to where i would be helped, the car. oh, the car. somethign about that seat - and since this infection has recurred several times, i know it is a feature of all car seats - maybe it was the angle, or whatever, but it was pure agony to sit in. i spent the whole car ride with my arm on the car door and my other hand on the car seat, holding myself up to make it not so bad, but with every bump of the car, pain was fucken. shooting through me. it would take me like 10 full seconds to lower myself into a chair or push myself out of one.  sleeping was awful cause i sleep on my side and i turn quite a few times before i can get to sleep - and of course turning with my hips how they were was incredibly painful. im not very vocal when it comes to pain but this thing had me yelping and everything. plus the antibiotics i had to take were fucking miserable. they tasted absolutely disgusting and i had to have them 4 times a day on an empty stomach (no food 2 hours before or 1 hour after) for 2 week and it was awful. this bastard is also recurring. the last time it got super bad was funnily enough about a week after my ear infection. honestly yall. late nov-dec 2018 was the worst fucken time for my physical health. but actually! in 2020 i am hopefully getting a surgery to stop the infections once and for all! but with the way the NHS is going, honestly who fucking knows. i do know that i will hunt down and kill boris johnson if he stops me getting this surgery.

[vozi-grappleflare-blog]

The Shrinkening

Vozi's home

Up in the hills above Booty Bay sat a two level house, windows glinting in the afternoon sun filtering through the tall trees. Bright yellow in color the lopsided building was larger on bottom than on top, the obvious panes of metal that made up the walls welded together firmly. Machines hummed, belched, and whirred all around it. Each one had its separate purpose of course, heating, lighting, running water. All were cobbled together in some fashion.

Out front of this Goblin home stood a familiar trio. Or rather, two stood while a very large Goblin sat hunched on the road. This particular Goblin was receiving a lecture from the pink haired lady, Auntie Cilby. One of her ringed fingers was pointing at the hulking Goblin. Every word punctuated by a stab of said finger in the younger’s direction. Her voice was not quite drowned out by the machines, nor the gentle sounds of the ocean floating up to them.

"Youse knows better thans to let ya cousin try any of his machines on ya. I oughtta keeps ya down in Booty Bay wit me, ta keeps ya doin' nothin' else with ya cousin. What was ya thinkin'?"

"S-s-sorry mom. I d-didn'ts think it'd be's bad."

"S'always bad when it comes t'Vozi!"

The giant Goblin squirmed in place, trying not to hit the nearby trees. Large red eyes turned to glance at his aforementioned cousin, hoping to get some backup from the other. Rickket was sadly on his own however. Vozi was busily at work on modifying the 'embiggener' to shrink him back to size. Ears drooping clear to his shoulders he watched his elder cousin work rather than face his raging mother. Over the years he had always admired his cousins work, how he always pushed through things no matter the set back.

Of course Vozi didn't have his mother around to yell at him either.

"I-its nots that bads...he's can fixes it...can'tcha Vozi?"

This got Vozi's attention, the big bat-like ears twitching and perking up at his name. The speckled Goblin looked up from his work then. A grin plastered on his face with a confidence Rickket had always known of his favorite cousin. In the sunlight drifting down to them the other Goblin had chosen to wear rough pants and a long sleeved shirt. Honestly Rickket wasn't sure why he didn't wear a hat too, with his skin the way it was. But that was the least of his worries currently.

"Sures sures! Aunty Cilby gots me everything I needs ta fix ya right up, cuzzo! Don't youse sweat. Or you, Aunty, I swears its jest a little hiccups is all."

Aunty Cilby did not look particularly moved by the sentiment, her eyes still trying to melt her nephew where he stood. It was a step in the right direction though, she was no longer threatening to cut his ears off and boil them for stew. Small steps. Even the impatient huff Vozi got for his comment was better than the tension over the past few days.Vozi, for his part, had at least refrained from egging her on.

"There's! Lasts finishin' touches!"

Speak of the Old Gods, Rickket thought. Vozi had lifted up his modified embiggener, the gun shaped device puffed steam and whirred alarmingly. Considering the amount of Goblin tech that did the same, however, it was hardly alarming. The fact that it would shrink him back to size was the real exciting bit. With his ears coming back up he felt a small bit of relief as his cousin sauntered his way over. Once this whole ordeal was over he was going to insist Vozi at least tested his machines on something else before they leapt right to trying it.

"Ya sure's this'll work?"

"Yeahs. Like. Seventy eight percents sure."

"Seventy eights not a guarantee Vozi."

"Nahs, its fines! Jest relax, it'll be overs in a minute!"

Last time Vozi had said it would 'be fine' had been to Rickket about Aunt Cilby. Before that it had been about the embiggener. So his 'be fine' statement caused a bit of a nervous fluttering when the cobbled together machine was turned on him. Rickket tried not to think the words 'what's the worst that could happen?'. At this point in his life, and knowing Vozi for most of it, things could go very sideways. Maybe this time it would change him into an animal? What if it exploded in Vozi's hands? Rickket opened his mouth to speak but it was already to late.

"V-vozi-"

"Here's we go!"

The machine turned on and whatever protest he'd been about to voice was drowned out. The ray hit him squarely and he was surprised, and very relieved, to feel himself actually getting smaller. The world shrank, slowly at first and then faster. To fast. Things were getting bigger than he remembered them. And then to big. Very very big. The ray stopped and there was the booming of shouts. Rickket clapped hands over his ears as he processed what had happened. Instead of being his normal three foot two he realized that standing next to his mother set him at just her knee.

"YA SHRUNKS HIMS TO FAR! VOZI I'MA KNOCKS YA TEETH OUT!"

"S-stops y-yellin'!"

"I'll fix it! Jest a matter'a tweakin' the specifics-"

"I'LL GIVES YA SPECIFICS!"

"H-heys now! Puts thats wrench down! Aunty comes on, I's can still fix it, no needs ta look all menacin'! Ack!"

The wrench swung at Vozi and would have hit him if his cousin wasn't an old veteran himself. Rickket, hands still over his ears, saw that he was thinking very quickly. With a placating smile and hands held up it was only a moments time before he was barreling past her. Running as quick as his legs could carry him down the hill to Booty Bay. It was likely he was going for more materials while also getting away from Cilby until she cooled off. Which put Rickket right smack dab in her line of sight. If the ground could have swallowed him whole he would have been very grateful.

[t-edwardtonks]

Who: Ted Tonks & Others When: The First Wizarding War Where: St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries What: After Frank and Alice Longbottom’s Torture. 

TW: Grief and Torture (mentions) 

A rumble of laughter and cheers rolled through the room as the delicate sound of silverware tapping champagne glasses resulted in a kiss between the bride and the groom. Ted couldn’t help glancing over to Andromeda at his side, smiling at the memory of their own wedding and the reminder of how truly lucky he was. She looked stunning, though she always did, and he couldn’t help reaching for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers and giving it a gentle squeeze. Ted had always found these sort of society events to be something stressful in his younger years, scared to death of revealing the secret of his magic, or committing some other misstep under his parents’ scrutiny. In more recent years, however, Ted had found them somewhat fun. Any chance to spend an evening with Andromeda, in public no less, was something of a dream he never believed would have come true. The only thing missing in this moment was Dora, safely tucked away with the Weasleys for the evening as a muggle society wedding was no place for a rambunctious metamorphmagus. She would no doubt be worn out by the late hour Ted and Andromeda returned to the Borrow for their daughter. He could almost see the way she’d likely be curled up on the worn couch, one of Molly’s knitted blankets keeping her warm, and how he would be hesitant to wake her. But Ted hadn’t returned to the Borrow that night as planned.

Just as the second course was cleared from the table, Ted felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned, half-expecting a member of the waitstaff simply had a question for him, and was instead shocked to see his Uncle Dom in the midst of the dining room. Instantly, Ted rose to his feet, hardly aware of the clattering on the table, the sudden hush befalling those around him, or the curious stares that were attracted by the man in the long trench coat who had somehow slipped into the reception uninvited. Ted only spared a glance toward Andromeda to be sure that she had stood as well before promptly following Dom out into the hall. “What is it? What’s wrong?” He asked the moment they were out of earshot from any of the other wedding guests, his heart in his throat. Surely it wasn’t Dora? “I’ve been sending you owls for hours, I didn’t know you had plans tonight. Not until I wrote the Weasleys and they mentioned keeping Dora for as long as you needed. I didn’t mean to barge in, but I figured you should know.” Ted had followed Dom out onto the gravel drive and around to the side of the estate as he spoke in hushed, hurried riddles about finding Frank and Alice too late, unsure of the extent of damage that had been done, and something about St. Mungo’s. Ted didn’t even remember much of apparating, or his walk through the sterile halls of the hospital as thoughts of the worst spun through his mind.

A familiar, sick sense of dread settled like a pit in his stomach and memories of so many other casualties in this war replayed like a broken record. There had been too many panicked visits to St. Mungo’s, too many sleepless nights at the news someone had gone missing, too many owls sent in the earliest hours of the morning, and too many funerals for friends gone too soon. Ted ought to be used to it by now, with the amount of tragedy he had already witnessed, but somehow he figured it was something no one should ever get used to. Halting outside of a closed door, Dom had turned to Ted, eyes glistening as they looked him over. “There’s nothing more I can say to prepare you.” Dom’s tone was apologetic, and Ted took in a sharp, shuddering breath in a poor attempt to brace himself for what he was about to see.

The room was dark, as any examinations of the patients inside had long since passed, and they had been left to rest. A shadowed figure sitting up in the hospital bed, however, did not seem to be resting at all. “Alice?” Ted whispered softly, sinking into the chair that had been left at her bedside. Now closer, he could see her features more clearly, though she hadn’t turned to look at him only staring straight ahead, unblinking. “Alice... “ He whispered again, straining to see the scratches and bruises that might have littered her skin in the darkness. This time, she turned, though Ted wasn’t quite sure she was actually looking at him. “It’s just me…Ted… “ He said softly, glancing over toward Frank’s sleeping form in the bed next to hers, not wanting to startle either of them after their ordeal.

Torture. That’s what Dom had said. Any physical wounds inflicted had been seen to already, it was those that remained unseen that worried healers most. Dom spoke softly over Ted’s shoulder, a reassuring hand keeping him grounded, Ted’s breathing as steady as he could manage. Frank and Alice had experienced a tremendous amount of trauma, it was only natural they should experience some kind of shock in the aftermath. The healers were doing their best, they would know more in the days to come. Ted couldn’t be sure when the tears had started and he shifted in his seat to hide them from Alice, sniffing sharply as he tried to blink them away. “And the kids?” He asked in a desperate hope that the same fate had not befallen them as well. “Safe. They’re with Frank’s mother.” Another shuddering breath as Ted swiped at his eyes, unable to voice his relief.

The moments ticked by in silence, Dom’s hand still resting on his shoulder as Andromeda clutched his free hand. “What do I do?” He whispered, feeling useless and as though he might be sick. “Just talk to them. Let them know you’re here.” And so he did. He spent hours that night in the hospital reassuring first Alice and then Frank when he awoke that he was there, that their kids were safe, and that they were going to be alright. He reminded them that they weren’t alone, reaching out to straighten a blanket or pat a shoulder, ignoring their unfocused stares, only stopping when they drifted off to sleep once again.

Ted hadn’t wanted to leave the hospital, but as they next day came and went, Dom had convinced him to go home to his family, change clothes, eat something, and return after he’d had a chance to rest. The shower had done him some good, allowed him to cry the last of his tears and drain himself of some of his overwhelming grief. A change of clothes was welcome, as he felt much more himself than he did in his stiff tuxedo. While he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything, simply sitting at the kitchen table with his family safe beside him was no small comfort.

He clutched Andromeda and Nymphadora a bit tighter than usual before leaving for the hospital again, something that would become part of his daily routine in the months to come, and the weeks after that. Years would go by and Ted would continue his weekly visits, sure to stop by on every holiday. Sometimes he would bring Andromeda and Dora, other times he might visit with Susan and Amelia. Still other times he would visit with the Longbottoms or the Weasleys, but most often he visited by himself. It was easier that way, not to surround himself with everyone’s grief and instead focus on visiting with his friends. It felt lighter that way, and perhaps not as sad. He would update them on the latest news, tell them about a book he had finished or a movie he’d seen. He would chat about the kids growing up, their Hogwarts houses, and how they were doing in school. He reminded them that they were loved, and that their loved ones were safe, and that they were not forgotten even if it seemed as though they had forgotten him. No matter what he talked about, however, he always began in the same way. Checking to make sure they were comfortable, squeezing Alice’s hands and patting Frank’s back before easing into the visitor’s chair. “It’s just me, Ted.”

Word Count: 1396

[devil-in-the-heart]

🤙

{ @snowinabottle } || nonverbal rp starters 

🤙 Bump into my muse

Matt had been outside watching over his city for quite a while until he’d heard a man scream for help just minutes before midnight. He’d made it to his location as fast as possible, but he’d still been too late. A group of kids, barely teenager, had tried to break into a small retail store but been caught by an elderly man who was lying on the ground unconscious and bleeding heavily. Matt couldn’t tell where the blood was coming from or how badly injured he was, all he smelled was the copper in the air that fueled his heart with anger. Those kids, those wannabe thugs, weren’t a match for him as he fought them. They were young and scared shitless as they saw him.

The real danger was his own rage though. Despite their actions and the possibly bad condition of the old man they were still just kids. Kids that did stupid things, probably without a second thought about the consequences their idiocy would cause. He couldn’t go and punch them, make them bleed on the ground and break their bones, but the devil in him crawled the violence anyway. Instead of burying his fists in their faces, though, he’d threatened them to never do dumb shit like this ever again. Because if they did, he would know and he would find them and he wouldn’t be that nice a second time again. He’d called 911 and waited until he’d heard the police sirens draw closer before he’d retreated through the dark alleys.

Now, an hour later, he was still in a dark alley and that not quite intentionally. He happened to get caught in a downpour- the rain seemed to wash all criminal activity away from Hell’s Kitchen, and Matt just as well.

He hated rain. Even more so when it was pouring down on the city like a damn waterfall, flooding the entire city. Each drop on his face felt like a needle tearing through his raw skin, and yet it was hardly the worst about it. Pain he could handle- especially when it wasn’t causing actual damage but merely irritating his skin. Way more problematic was the fact that he couldn’t hear anything over the echo oh the heavy rain that made navigating through Hell’s Kitchen nearly impossible and turned every further step into a more or less risk. More, when he took the rooftops to head home. He knew this place inside out but it was of no us when he was lost in orientation.

On top of that misery, Matt happened to slip over the edge of the roof he’s running across with his soaked clothes and soaked shoes. A surprised yelp escaped his mouth, silenced by the rain as he fell off the roof ungracefully- and that’s how he’d ended in a alley yet again, diving right into a dumpster that saved him from smashing his brain.

Matt climbed out of that trash box, growling and panting, and relieved that he was okay. If he only had an idea where he was. He rushed deeper into the alley, turned right at a corner- and the next thing he realized after that was a punch to his chest that took him by surprise. His first instinct let him flip in a fighting stance, ready to fight back if needed, but it took him only another blink of the eye underneath his mask to fully understand the situation. He hadn’t run into a fist, he’d actually run over a woman. And not just a woman, but no one less than Amelia as he figured by her rapid beating heart and her lingering scent. The heck was she doing here in the rain? “Are you okay?” He asked, trying not to sound all too caring.

[han-and-kai]

For You

genre: fluff and angst  ship: jeonsung jisung x jeongin 

eyo this fic is special, ya know why

ITS AN AU

OOF AND THATS NOT ALL ITS A COLLAB :O

yea me and @insertstraykidspunhere  (aka incorrect-straykids) wrote this together my version is in the perspective of jisung, and hers is in 3rd  person if you wanna read the other version here you go!!

enjoy~

I really don’t know how this happened...well actually, I do.

There’s one name that caused it all, one beautiful, fantastic, amazing boy, that I don’t mind is hurting me.

I said it before and I meant it, I’d die for him, I didn’t expect it to happen, but here we are.

Well uh, you must be a bit confused, well let me explain.

Let me tell you how I met the love of my life, Yang Jeongin.

It was the start of the new semester, I was a 2nd year, walking towards the door to enter the familiar school, waving at familiar faces, until something unfamiliar happened.

A person had bumped into me from behind, I turned around to help them up, and I swear I saw an angel.

I knew everyone in this school, every student, every teacher, even the janitors, but I never saw him before.

He was cute, but at the same time, insanely attractive. His eyes were sharp and angular, but held and innocent gaze, his cheekbones were prominent and his lips were a pretty pink, seriously, this boy was an angel.

I held my hand out to help him up, and that’s when I heard his voice, a melodic voice, so sweet and smooth, like chocolate. All he said was thank you, and I was head over heels.

“In a rush are you?” “Uh, yea, I don’t want to be late on the first day.” “I haven’t seen you around before.” “Maybe because I haven’t been here before, I’m a 1st year.”

Wow good job Jisung, you met an angel and now he thinks you’re an idiot.

“Oh yea, well, welcome to the school I guess!”

He smiled, and I died a bit on the inside, it was hard to breathe, what was happening, he was so breathtakingly beautiful.

“If you ever need anything, you can find me.”

“Ok hyung!”

“Call me Jisung, Han Jisung.” “Oh okay, I’m Yang Jeongin.”

And so began our friendship.

Jeongin apparently already had a friend in the school, Kim Seungmin.

We turned into one big group because of the two.

Chan, Woojin, and Minho, the 3rd years, Changbin, Felix, Hyunjin, and I are 2nd years, And that leaves our 1st years, Seungmin and Jeonginie

We went everywhere together, and I couldn’t get enough of spending time with them, especially Jeonginie.

He was a joy, and I could say I love him, I knew I did, and I could tell him, but I always am at a loss of breath whenever I try.

But one day, it was the two of us, we were walking home, passing through the park. The autumn leaves blowing through the wind, the clear blue sky shining brightly, and somehow I finally had the courage to speak up

“Jeonginie, can I tell you something?”

“Sure hyungie.”

There it was, the heaviness in my chest, but I had to spit it out.

“I like you.”

Silence was all there was. It felt like I stood there forever, Jeongin had stopped walking, his head down.

“I have to get home hyung.”

And with that, he ran away.

It was so hard to breathe, I get I was sad, but, pain was building in my chest. I let out a soft sniff, which eventually turned into a loud wail, but with that wail, came something else. I coughed, and coughed, tears brimming in my eyes blurred my vision, but when  I wiped them away I saw petals. Baby pink cherry blossom petals, in the middle of fall. I coughed again, and there were more.

I went home and researched. Hanahaki disease.

Wow, first I’m rejected and now I’m going to die because of it, big whoop.

I didn’t want to die, but I also didn’t want to hurt Jeonginie. It was my fault, if I kept my mouth shut this wouldn’t have happened. Truly the worst hyung he could ask for.

Can’t let him know.

Who knows what would happen if he did, I need to ride out the rest of my time have a good time with him, being a good friend, a good hyung, helping him through high school for as long as I can.  I need to see him smile until my last moment

But as time passed, it became more unbearable. At this point most of the others already knew, everyone except the first years. I had kept wearing masks, I tried medicines and such, nothing worked.

It came to a point that the petals started coming out more and more, I could hardly breathe.

Chan had pulled me into a classroom after school.

“Jisung you have to tell him, look at yourself!”

“I can’t! He’d be heartbroken!” “JISUNG YOU’RE GOING TO DIE SO EITHER TELL HIM OR GO TO THE HOSPITAL!”

“I can’t afford to go to a hospital, and I can’t tell him, I don’t want my last moments to be seeing him break down, I want to see him smile before I die, because what is my life if he isn’t smiling.”

Little did I know, that Jeongin had heard them. He burst through the door, running towards me.

Chan had stepped to the side, and soon leaving the room.

Jeongin stood there, his brows furrowed, his fists clenched.

What have I done

“Jeongin what’s wro-”

“HOW CAN I SMILE IF YOU’RE DYING?”

I stood there in shock. He heard us, oh gosh. In this long line of agony filled events, this one was by far the worst. “Jeongin-”

He pulled me into a hug. My breathing was staggered, I couldn’t help but to cough, petals falling onto his shoulder and back. However, the inability to breathe didn’t hurt as much as seeing the pained expression on Jeongin’s face

“Hyung I’m so sorry, you told me so suddenly, and I was so confused, I never knew what these feelings were, I was scared, I didn’t want to hurt you, but you were hurting all along, I’m so sorry.”

Jeongin was in tears. This is what I dread, seeing my lovely angel crying because of me. At this point my tears began to flow, and so did the petals.

He slightly pulled away from the hug, wiping my tears, I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t, the only thing that came out were those dreaded petals. They say beauty is pain, but in a literal sense, it hurts alot more than the saying.

We were in that position for a bit, I couldn’t look him in the eye, the only sounds were my coughing and the sound of petals hitting the floor.

It was then that Jeongin lifted my head up by my chin, I met his gaze, his eyes puffy and watery, but a soft smile painted across his pretty lips.

Even in times of agony, he is still so beautiful. Thinking about him more and more made my chest burn, my short breaths feeling like fire.

Jeongin cupped my cheeks, and what happened next was unexpected. He pulled me in for a gentle kiss. It was soft and sweet, and it felt light, like I was floating. His lips moved gently against mine, and I began to kiss back, our lips dancing together, the subtle taste of tears, it was poor bliss

He pulled away, slightly gasping because of the previous lack of air, looked me in the eyes, caressing my cheek ever so gently

“Han Jisung, I love you.”

Those words repeated through my head several times, I could hardly process it. I still couldn’t say anything, even though in my mind, I wanted to tell him how grateful I was for his existence, for him being a part of my life.

He wiped the stray tears off my face.

“Don’t cry hyungie, I’m here for you now, I’ll protect you.”

It was at that moment I realized, the pain and heaviness, it was gone. The burning sensation that filled my lungs with prickling agony had faded into a warm fuzziness. Yang Jeongin, a one of a kind boy, who literally can make or break my life.

“Jeonginie, thank you for saving me” “Anything for the person I love.”

We shared another kiss, not one that was full of tears, not one full of sudden need, but just pure happiness.

His lips were soft and sweet, unlike the brackish taste of tears from our first kiss, this one was much nicer. He pulled away once more, leaning his head on my shoulder, his arms around my waist.

“I love you hyungie, please never leave me.”

Yang Jeongin is not just an angel, he’s a guardian angel, my guardian angel.

[kneekeyta]

Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this short fic! it will have a few parts to it! Only tagging @mmfdfanfic right now! Next time  I post I’ll add everyone who liked my tag list post! Hope your’e all well!

Finn is in his last year of college, Rae finished the year before, and is taking her gap year. Finn was unsure about what he wanted to do after having a bit of a rough time and maybe meeting Rae reignites his passion.

matchmaker, matchmaker

His eyes were still partially crusted shut as he trudged down the stairs. Only managed to bump into one table on the way to the kitchen, he’ll call it a win. As he opened the fridge he winced, the light was too bright. He reached in for the juice and flicked the cap off with his thumb before downing what was left in one go. After, he released a quenched sigh he put the empty bottle in the bin and sleepily stumbled his way back upstairs, knowing he had to be up and ready for school in a few hours. Maybe he shouldn’t have spent the last week of his freedom camping and drinking and staying up until stupid o’clock only to get a couple hours of sleep to do it all over. He could really use another week to catch up on some sleep, if only.

--

Feeling the coldness of the pillow on his cheek made him smile. Turning down Archie and Chop to plan a back to school party was the best decision he made all day, especially when school had already started. He didn’t even make it to his room, he was on the sofa and it would do perfectly fine because he didn’t plan on moving anymore or waking up until the next day where he had to face school all over again.

He was in between sleep and awake when the shrill of the phone caused him to jolt awake and sit straight up. Groaning he laid back down, but his heart was pounding and he felt too hot to get comfortable again. Waking up with a start is always the worst.

He waited for the machine to come on and wondered if it would be Archie or Chop calling to question if he was still alive. They had only mentioned he looked half dead when they had seen him in school. He only had them to blame for it.

A voice came on and it wasn’t Chop or Archie, it wasn’t even a guy, it was girl, a soft spoken girl.

“Hi, Gary. Rae here, just wanted to let you know your order came in. Your previous two are here as well, ready and waiting for you. Give us a call, we’re here till 7, six days a week.”

“Rae?” Finn mumbled aloud. Who was Rae? His dad never said he was expecting a phone call or orders while he’s away. Was he supposed to get them?

He rolled off the sofa and padded over to the machine to rewind the tape, then pressed play.

“Hi Gary! Rae here, your order came in earlier than expected! We’re open till 7 as you know!”

“Hi, Gary! It’s Rae here. Just wanted to let you know that Sex Pistols you wanted is having delivery issues it may be a few days longer. But in the meantime we still have your first order here, give us a call or drop by.”

“Mr. Nelson are you okay? We haven’t seen you in two weeks, Rob is about to do something drastic, give us a call, yeah?”

That was the last message before the one that had just come in, Finn hardly had a clue to what was going on and so he figured the best thing to do was to call his dad.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number of the hotel his dad was staying at that was left by the phone. As he was patched through he wondered if his dad was even in. If he wasn’t he had no idea of how to go about finding the person calling and letting them know his dad was perfectly fine and away on business.

“’llo..”

“Are you okay?” he asked seriously.

“Bit tired and hungry but otherwise I’m fine.” Gary answered truthfully.

Finn sighed and rolled his eyes, “Well, you got people here thinking you’re missin’ or lying dead in a puddle of your own blood somewhere.”

“What..Finn what are ya..”

“You have a tape full of messages from a “Rae” about some of your orders that came in.”

“Oh, that’s right, forgot to call and say I wouldn’t been for a few weeks.”

Sounded about right, Finn thought.

“Yeah, well, call them and let them know you’re alive.” He huffed.

“Well, how about you go pick ‘em for me? They’re already paid for and you can let them know I’m alive and well, and out of town.”

“Do I have to?” he whined, he’s not sure he’s ever whined.

“Finn, you love music, though somedays I think you’ve forgotten. Just go pick them up, get reacquainted with one of your greatest loves, you won’t be sorry. Plus Rae knows her—“

“Okay, Okay, I’ll pick them up…no need to get sappy. Where at?”

His dad laughed and he almost wanted to hang up, “Town Records.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Bye son!”

Finn hung up the phone and dreaded to think that he had to go all the way across town to a record store. Why couldn’t his dad go to one that was perfectly decent and not five minutes from where they live?

--

“You sure?” Chop asked.

“Yeah, got to do summat for me dad.”

Chop nodded with a ‘talk to you later’ as Finn straddled his scooter. With traffic it only took about fifteen minutes to get to Town, and he was surprised at the difference in record shops compared the one by him, this one seemed….ancient.

Had the same smell though. All record shops had it no matter how new, dust and vinyl. He forgot what a comforting scent that was, it made his shoulders relax. As he walked further in he realized the place was deserted, he was the only one in there aside from the bored guy sitting by the till.

As he stood in front of the guy he hadn’t looked up yet so Finn cleared his throat.

“Yeah?”

“Uh…yeah, I came to pick up some orders under, Gary Nelson.”

The guy perked up upon hearing the name.

“Oh, Gary! Sure. I’m Rob. I haven’t seen him in a bit, hope the old chap is alright?”

“Yeah, that’s my dad, he’s fine. Away on business.” He mumbled.

“Good to know. We’ve been wondering about him. He sure loves to chat and don’t let him and Rae get started. They’re at it for hour’s somedays those two.”

“She’s the one who calls.” Finn says.

“Yep, that’s her.”

Finn shifted his eyes around as the guy, Rob,  busied himself riffling through a box of arrivals, “Is..uh..she here? You know to inform her my dad is fine?”

“Oh, no she’s a little…”

The door chimed cutting off the conversation, then a voice boomed “I know! I know! I’m a little late, sorry but getting away from my sister was a nightmare.”

A figure rushed passed Finn and he swore he caught a glimpse of an Ocean Colour Scene shirt on them.

“AH! Here we are.” Rob said and turned to set the orders on the table.

“Everything is already paid for, all set.” He smiled.

Finn was about to say thank you but a voice cut him off, “So you will never guess what…Oh.”

She paused and looked at Finn in mild shock and then gave him a small smile, “Sorry, Welcome to Town.” She said a faint blush filling her cheeks.

Finn was never good at reacting to certain situations and this was one of them so he did what he always does he freezes, staring, maniacally, probably.

He can’t quite wrap his head around the girl standing in front of him and if he can’t get his brain to work then his mouth won’t work but maybe that’s what’s best for everyone in this moment.

“Rae, this is Gary’s son…”

Finn looks back to, Rob.

“Oh, then you’re, Finn!” she exclaims.

His eyebrows furrow, “I..uh..yeah..thats…I’m Finn.”

He’s going to kill his dad.

“It’s nice to meet you! Your dad is always on about you. I’m Rae.”

“Ye-yeah.” He stammers.

He spies the bag on the counter and so he grabs it, “I’m gonna…go..leave, now.” he mumbles before turning and heading to the door in an almost run.

The last thing he hears is, Rob, say, “Is something wrong with him?”

And Rae reply, “Don’t be mean.”

His dad is a goner.

--

He had been calling his dads hotel room nonstop since he got home, well, there were a few minutes in the shower where he was thinking about something or rather someone else but after that business was the real business.

When his dad FINALLY picked up he was surprisingly calm, “How was your day, Father.”

“Fine son, how was your day.” His dad played along. He must know his time is ticking.

“Perfectly well, father, thank you for asking.”

“Finn.” He sighed.

“I trusted you and this is how you treat me?” Finn squawked.

“Why would you send me in there like an idiot and not tell me, about Rae first?” he demanded to know.

“To be honest I didn’t think you would go.”

“Yeah, well, I went.”

“And I can safely assume you’ll be going back?”

He could hear the smile in his dads tone, “I knew you’d like her, she quite the looker..”

Finn hung up he didn’t need that right now.

But yes he’d be going back.

--

Hahaha I don’t remember where I was going with this but you can have it until I figure it out!

(it’ll probably be a bit moody) ahh

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

1-100 cute questions

:~)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?- more cereal than milk! it has to be crunchy and milk is fucking gross, even though i use almond milk instead

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?- FUCK yeah, especially if it's also sunny outside

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?- grocery receipts are the usual culprit. maybe i should make my own bookmarks!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?- rn i'm having sugar free white chocolate w half & half and 3 splenda

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?- i'm self conscious of my entire existence my friend

6: do you keep plants?- yes! she gave me and orchid and a bamboo plant a while back, and i have ian my aloe/succulent

7: do you name your plants?- lmfao yes, ian! she named the bamboo melman, and i never named the orchid. zack and sabrina are no longer w us unfortunately

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?- i used to write and draw a lot. i don't get a chance to do it as often now but i rly am trying more. i'll even try my hand at inktober this year but yikes scared bc i can't actually draw

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?- hell yeah bitch if i am in the mood for it

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?- all of the above? lmao. my back is most cozy but sleep paralysis, so a mix of side stomach like its a specific diagonal ass position on my bed lol

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?- "coming this soon"

12: what's your favorite planet?- FUCKING JUPITER BRO OMFG MY URL ARE TWO OF MY FAVE MOONS OF JUPITER TEST ME BITCH

13: what's something that made you smile today?- i don't think i've smiled today? maybe something michelle said earlier when we went to lowe's

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?- *takes pics of my current place*might have a little more aesthetic to it just bc location though. and if i live in a bigger city than orlando that means i have more money to REALLY fulfill my aesthetic wishes

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!- Recent work by planetary scientists has indicated that the deep atmospheres of Jupiter and Saturn may contain chunks of diamond floating in a liquid hydrogen-helium fluid. MEANING, it rains diamonds on jupiter

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?- permission crusted chicken, w angel hair in a lemon butter sauce

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?- i was going for a magenta over the summer and was p successful but my mom paid for me to not keep lightening and shit, that wasn't my money so idc lol rn its auburn-ish. i rly do still want a light blond/almost gray though

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.- the time i got incredibly drunk, like, throwing up and dying can't even walk drunk like wow i'm not like that lmao so when that happens it's wild

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?- i have multiple journals and a sketch book. the sketch book is whatever i feel inspired to draw atm and bc thats so rare i just be picking it up and going lmao. i hardly write anymore, these questions kinda keep me going

20: what's your favorite eye color?- light brown is vastly underrated tbh, like yeah green is cool but i have always been a sucker for hazel or just noticeably lighter brown eyes. i remember this one boy in the 8th grade had me swooning w that alone lmao and ofc my gf now its soo nice

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.- i no longer have it, but i had the same jansport since the seventh grade. i used to customize it and sew on letters or iron on, change it up ever so often, and got rid of it senior year of high school

22: are you a morning person?- i really am not, but everyone thinks i am since i'm up at 6am even the days i ain't got shit to do

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?- PLAY VIDEO GAMES. draw, do these questions, sometimes even brainstorm ideas about books i'll never write

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?- shit every single one of them? well nvm, yeah there is. jordan. that's my ride or die forreal and honestly i think she does know ABSOLUTELY everything there is to know about me. timmy too actually!

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?- hmm idk if it counts but this one "abandoned house" in the gables to smoke, and the rooftop of merrick park late at night

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?- bro i had these low top black and white converse that i got for christmas one year from this boy that rly liked me lmao i kept them for a hotttt minute, through college i think but had to throw them away when the sole finally gave out

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?- just mint is fine

28: sunrise or sunset?- sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?- just how she remembers and notices absolutely everything. i moved a pin in my room once and after not having been over for a week she asked me where it was as soon as she walked in

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?- yeah last night when i was home alone and i swear i thought i heard knocks on my bedroom door which would be impossible. fuck no i didn't open it

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.- i think socks are cool, they make my feet soft if i put them on immediately after showering & moisturizing. they protect your heels from getting too cracked as well. i don't care for white socks, but am a slut for black no show ones. i sometimes have to buy kids socks bc my feet are so fucking small that no show, still show. i like aesthetic socks! like the ones w cartoons and stuff like that. and knee high socks can be sexy, just maybe not on me?

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.- i don't be w friends like that? OH but this one night we went to see Laidback Luke at Space and then we went to Nikki beach to drink some more and watch the sun rise and we all rly bonded and i learned some shit about my friends i def ain't know before it was rly nice. there was a dog we met there named molly LMFAO

33: what's your fave pastry?- i like lemon and red velvet stuff. guava and cheese pastries are good too i miss them

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?- okay i didn't rly have any stuffed animals as a kid, but that boy i was obsessed with, omar, he gave me a plush lil puppy one year for christmas and omg i cherished it lmao. but then my dog got it and i was so sad :(

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?- FUCK YEAH I DO. i use them often, though not as often as before like i need to get back on track w being organized

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?- arctic monkeys, always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?- clean!!!! i finished cleaning it completely today and wow i feel like a brand new person

38: tell us about your pet peeves!- messes stress me outtttttt, like gross unhygienic messes omfg

39: what color do you wear the most?- black bitch, next

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?- i have these 1/4 carat diamond earrings that i received as a christmas gift last year from one of my kids and it was just so sweet and i rly love them, they're the only earrings i wear now

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?- the zodiac series! and lord of shadows!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!- no i don't, not yet at least. i would like to find a rly rly nice one, maybe we'll go hunting for one next weekend. there are two rly good boba places i like though!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?- michelle maybe? and no gaze, we just noticed the starts were nice during that hurricane lmao

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?- july 8, 2017 it was short lived limited to just that day lmao but it was nice

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?- some times? my instincts don't be telling me a lot tbh

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.- "what did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?- sea food? fucking pickles!! mustard too

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?- roaches, and possibly hell yeah

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?- i do! but i have apple music now so i do not buy music or anything any more

50: what's an odd thing you collect?- tickets. plane tickets, parking tickets, concert tickets, admission tickets, sometimes even receipts, if it has a nice enough memory attached to it i collect it

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?- nothing i can think of at the moment

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?- salt bae, all the "it" memes, the neo yokio memes, "i had to do it to em," x-files memes

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?- i'm familiar w rocky horror & the heathers, love beattle juice, haven't watched pulp fiction

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?- myself whenever i look in the mirror

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?- i don't rly be doing shit "just to prove a point" thats rly petty

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?- love when their faces light up talking about some shit that gets them hype

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?- i rly don't fucking care for bohemian rhapsody like why is that a thing

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?- i am vodka aunt

59: what's your favorite myth?- I LOVE ALL GREEK MYTHOLOGY EQUALLY. norse mythology is cool too, as is celtic but i think greek is my fave

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?- poetry is hard to get into bc so much of it doesn't resonate w me or comes off as fake deep tumblr posts (i'm looking @ you milk and honey). howl by allen ginsberg is still my fave

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?- i'm always surprised to be getting any gifts at all, i don't think i have ever received anything "stupid." my gf used to love giving me food and candy though but like i'm fat so no. and i don't give gifts without putting any thought into it so i have never given a "stupid" gift either.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?- no, i drink ice cold water and coffee. sometimes crystal light which isn't rly juice to me i think its just flavored water

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?- nigga YES! i just reorganized my entire bookshelf and my itunes is not as neat bc i'm behind but i also keep that rly meticulously done

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?- blue-ish gray

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?- my gf, lmao. thuy!!!! nick and andres too omg!!

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?- not roses, it'd be an assortment of a ton of flowers, lots of pink and green and white

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?- i fucking THRIVE it's nice, scary movie and reading weather

68: what's winter like where you live?- it's FAKE AS HELL. i wish it just a tad cooler, like ten or fifteen degrees

69: what are your favorite board games?- i like scategories and the game of life. candyland!

70: have you ever used a ouija board?- those are caucasian activities no thank you

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?- great tea or tazo passion tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?- HELL YEAH and i'll note it down multiple times like written, typed, phone agenda, etc it's hard and i hate my shit memory

73: what are some of your worst habits?- procrastination is the worst i think

75: tell us about your pets!- i don't have any :( i would count zeus but i'm also deathly allergic to him

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?- yeah!!!!! smh

77: pink or yellow lemonade?- "why not both?" probably pink more

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?- hate that shit they're so ugly and annoying and gross and hate how they talk like bro

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?- i never thought my mom cared about me tbh but she threw me a huge graduation/birthday party i cried.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?- they're a nude/beige, i didn't pick it but i'm also not painting over. its nice though

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.- this sounds nice in theory but i dont rly have the energy for it rn lol

82: are/were you good in school?- i was but i coasted, had i tried a lot harder and dedicated more time to it i could have been better

83: what's some of your favorite album art?-i can't think of any rly  

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?- i have to add to what i have on my back, and have a few more i would like but am not sure about

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?- i do! i'm actually reading one now on tumblr, its called countdown to countdown and its rather interesting. i like twd comics, and am also reading the OoT manga. i rly love manga too actually, inuyasha was the first one i read that got me into it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?- BECAUSE THE INTERNET, CHILDISH GAMBINO

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?- i've seen a ton of movies dude. i think spirited away or kiki's delivery service, or princess mononoke. ghibli movies w strong female leads. howl's moving castle too but it does focus more on romance. i should reread the book

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?- i'm not familiar enough w art to tell you! i think art is rly interesting though, and don't particularly care for modern art

89: are you close to your parents?- not rly, but am more so as an adult. i don't tell them my business or anything like that though

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.- seattle just really resonates w me and the more i talk about it the stupider it sounds. but i have been to quite a few cities, DC, atlanta, Tallahassee, miami, san diego, vegas, the list goes on. none of them made me feel the way seattle does. maybe bc i went alone? maybe the time period that i went? some of the memories attached to the city kind of suck now, lol, but still rly important to me

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?- nowhere in particular this year, but i'm def going back to seattle next year guaranteed, maybe doing paradiso

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?- if its my own sauce then no cheese at all, otherwise olive garden def hates me

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?- i just wash it and wear it down

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?- today is felisha's bday apparently

95: what are your plans for this weekend?- uh idk, ig see my gf. i'm avoiding a baby shower but idk what we'll do instead

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?- i procrastinate on them a ton lmfao "remind me later" yeah bitch in like a century

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?- INTP, gemini, ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?- i don't think i ever have gone hiking

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.- i'm sure there are a few but nothing i can think of off the top of my head. reflection by 5h actually lol

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?- FIVE YEARS INTO THE PAST and five years ago is a rly good time to go back to!!! i was 20 and going through suchhhhh a bad break up but i wish i could have gotten up and been a bad bitch sooner lol i love the stuff i experienced that year, went to my first edc and whatnot. 2013 was rough on me but i pushed through it! 2014 i made some bad choices that i would change, 2015 wan alright but i can do it better and i'm not even sure what 2016 was. i would have started teaching sooner had i known it was something i could do i think. i would have worked harder and been more responsible especially financially, though tbh i did pretty well. i'd just do adulthood a lot better and start off a lot stronger. I WOULD REDO THAT LOCKHEED INTERVIEW AND ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

[helenhuntingdon]

rayblayblay replied to your post “This isn’t an attack on anyone, but an observation, but it’s...”

I think back in the early half of 2016 it was pretty commonly accepted, and people saw that sl as his redemption, but since then those members of the fandom have largely disappeared and been replaced w/ ppl who joined post-ssw and imo bypassed the gravity of 2015 on their binges. so its easy for them to brush off his worst behavior & make excuses for it (or pretend it didnt happen altogether) .. and thats where u get the current shipper consensus

Yeah, I can’t keep track of dates at all (me? a History student?) but when I think of who may have expressed the belief that Robert is abusive, many of them are gone now. Though I also can’t say how much bc of my own hiatuses and inability to keep track of ppl’s url’s and url changes lmao. (I’m a mess.) 

But yeah I can understand that, the weight of those scenes are quickly forgotten if you then are going straight into watching things that may be seen as redemptive and many of the worst things he has done are in the past. Im I won’t judge it bc I haven’t watched even in ages and a lot of specific things I literally may have forgotten about entirely but it is like. Something that should be reminded as... pretty abusive. If you don’t ship them and you DID watch it then and dealt with those scenes are they happened, it makes perfect sense to see him as abusive. It also makes sense if you don’t watch it so closely as a shipper if you see that on paper, or just those scenes, it’s abusive? That should be entirely respected that people see them that way. Even as a shipper. Bc Im it used to be? 

Also it shows that people who find him cheating with Rebecca really differently have not had to watch live him do worse things and have to deal with that. Bc that’s hardly the worst thing he’s done but, w/o judging, I guess you didn’t have to watch that at the time and stress over whether you could deal w/ that or what would happen next etc etc but could just continue watching and see yourself how you still feel about them and what would happen next and you’ll have gone through that whole emotional rollercoaster in the matter of maybe hours and that in hindsight won’t have as much impact as having watched the whole sl (and fandom implosion) as it happened~

The excuses thing is the most difficult because honestly I think that IS difficult for abuse survivors for people to see others trying to make excuses for abusive behaviour, and like I said, what should matter most is respecting real people. So I find that doing something that may be really difficult for abuse survivors to see... uncomfortable. 

And also bc it’s not needed? You don’t need to excuse anything Robert has done and I have always tried to avoid that. You can just say, in a general~ way, ‘this character is problematic but I enjoy them as a character’ (honestly, I have liked characters worse than Robert before but they’re interesting characters so?). You can like a problematic character and know they are problematic and others have every right to hate them for that. You don’t need to find reasons why the things they have done are somehow okay, or not that abusive. Because honestly there is nothing wrong with liking characters who are bad people or have been bad people but are redeemed somehow - which is also a valid opinion of ‘they have been terrible but for me are redeemed’? - but making excuses for specific acts that are seen as abusive is itself quite harmful. There is no reason why emotionally abusing someone would be okay and if you have been emotionally abused that narrative can be triggering, or make you question yourself and whether you’ve really been abused or whether it was your own fault even???

so tl;dr yo ppl, you can accept that robert is someone who has done bad things and STILL like him, for whatever reason (that he’s been redeemed, that he’s not currently abusive, that you maybe you don’t even like him but you still ship the ship bc you don’t think THAT’s abusive (bc Im the most abusive things he’s done lately to me are to Rebecca?) or that you just enjoy the storyline because it’s interesting?) and not excuse specific acts, because those ARE things people may have done irl, that people in fandom may have dealt with (no not pushing someone through rotten floorboards but Idk belittling someone’s self harm or~) and they are not defensible. You just don’t NEED to do that to make yourself feel okay for liking a problematic character, you can like the character and it’s actually BETTER to admit they have done things wrong, things that have been abusive (rather than excuse them) but to just say you enjoy the character anyway or you don’t think those things are how he is now!