#(this may or may not be based off my real life experiences)

[purplink8]

Hey do you guys think Light got his love for punctuality from Soichiro? Like look:

Here is Light all but praising the Death Note for being exactly on time and then we have his father:

Soichiro: "Only those who are ready and willing to sacrifice everything and fight, who are truly committed to stopping this psychopath...are asked to remain. I'll find out who you are when I return at five o'clock from my meeting upstairs."

Soichiro checks his watch before entering and it's exactly 5 o'clock!

As if that wasn't enough, we have this additional tidbit that canon offers us:

Light: "Ryuk, I pretty much only take my watch off when I sleep. I definitely always wear it when I go outside. And habits don't change. This watch was a gift from my father when I graduated high school. I wouldn't replace it."

Not only Soichiro gifted Light this watch as a graduation present, Light counted on his deeply engrained habit of not taking his watch off for his keikaku to work.

Can you guys imagine Soichiro gifting this to Light despite the latter being all caught up into becoming the prime suspect for being Kira? Can y'all imagine Soichiro, against his better judgement, against all the doubts he had against his own son (which continued on to his deathbed btw), choosing to hope that he's right in trusting Light enough with this present?

After all, Light was everything a parent could've asked for and more. He knew Light idolized him since he was but a child, how could he not? Despite all the nights he was absent (away for work, for justice, for making sure he was fulfilling his duty to the best of his ability), he knew Light, little Light, waited for him until he fell asleep (he didn't need Sachiko telling him that to know this).

And yet Light never complained, did he? Even as a child, Light displayed a maturity that other parents envied. He understood. He understood that his dad was away for the greater good. That sacrifices are necessary for true justice. Soichiro knew from the bottom of his heart just how much Light took pride in him. He knew because that's how much pride (if not more) he had in Light as well.

That didn't mean Soichiro didn't feel guilty for not spending enough time with his family, for neglecting them so. He absolutely did. So what he couldn't make up in quantity, he did it in quality. With what little time he spent at home, he'd ensure to utilize it efficiently by imparting his wisdom from his experiences to his dear children. One of them being: time is money, use it well.

And little Light took his dad's teachings to his heart, of course, and incorporated it into his life so well since then that despite all the doubts Soichiro may have about Light being Kira, he knows that, at the very least, his dutiful son would cherish the watch he'd gift to him. That Light would definitely appreciate the gesture.

He was right. Light did care for the watch immensely. However unbeknownst to Soichiro, Light counted on that deep attachment to the watch, to use it as a weapon of all things. A weapon used to facilitate "the worst murder weapon in the history of mankind" (the death note) to kill people discreetly.

"The real evil is the power to kill people."

The watch given by Soichiro, as a symbol of trust (in spite of lingering doubts), to Light, made its debut as a deadly weapon when Light gained his memories as a part of his grand keikaku.

Can you imagine the sheer gravity of Light's actions? Saying they're horrific would be a gross understatement.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ahem. Let's rewind a bit, to the time period at the end of Light's confinement. Particularly, the mock execution scene:

To put things into (Light's) perspective, Light has no memories of being Kira. He's been confined for at least 50 days based on (as far as he's aware) false charges. When he's finally released, he's told by his own father, no less, that he & Misa are being taken to their execution and Soichiro volunteered to take them there himself.

Light doesn't get a right to a trial (let alone a fair one). L's conclusion of them being Kira is treated as absolute. Regardless of the lack of evidence. What's worse, Soichiro appears to be on L's side.

It's a betrayal of epic proportions from a father who he used to deeply admire + respect.

It's no surprise how Light takes it: he's horrified. He tries to plead his case, for his life, and, understandably, it takes on a more desperate, more emotional edge:

Light: "Dad! You believe L over me?!"

Light feels hurt. Betrayed. His own father believes L above him. His plea is heartbreaking. This is the question that must've been tearing Light apart since the hospital scene:

Ryuk: "Notice he doesn't say "I'm certain that Light isn't Kira." Hyuk Hyuk."

Soichiro doesn't trust Light. From this moment, it became painstakingly clear. What makes it worse for yotsuba!Light specifically is- now that he isn't aware that he used to be Kira, i.e., he is (from his POV) absolutely certain that he is NOT Kira. He thinks that L's judgement (in this case, at least) is not to be trusted.

And here Soichiro is, trusting the one person Light has grown to loathe since his time during confinement OVER HIM.

I cannot emphasize enough how utterly depressing it is, just how frustrating it is to have your own parent turned against you, to have him side with a detective who you know is WRONG about the case, about Kira, about who you are. Your father doesn't believe you. He thinks you're the sort of person to murder thousands of people.

Sit with that thought. And let it stew.

Back to Light asking the question with pain written all over his face. "You trust L over me?"

Is that how fathers are supposed to act? To trust a nameless third party over their own child??

The question is in the air and Light gets its answer.

With a gun to his face:

Light raises a question of trust (that is essential in every relationship) and Soichiro replies that not only does he not trust Light (thereby trusting L's judgement more), he rewards Light's question by declaring that he'd kill Light and then himself.

...Fucked up, isn't it?

Now we know of course that it was all an act. A mock execution, as Soichiro explains.

Soichiro: "Please understand that I only did it because I truly believed that you weren't Kira."

These words along with the fact that L was the one who staged this sick & cruel act, allow Light to quickly forgive his dad by blaming it all on L.

We aren't shown the psychological effect this ordeal has on Light. It was very traumatic imo.

Imagine yotsuba!Light having disturbing nightmares repeatedly...imagine the poor kid holding onto his dear watch telling himself over and over that the gift given by Soichiro represents the strength of the father-son bond...imagine him crying (when he thinks nobody is watching) regardless...

He's handcuffed to the man with the worst judgement he knows. Despite the whole mock execution that this particularly stubborn detective had staged. Despite the damage L brought to his father-son relationship.

And then, Light regains his memories and the entire illusion shatters.

He IS Kira. Just like L said and his father suspected. Still, there's no time to lose by having an identity crisis. And he chooses to continue on the path he had chosen as Kira. He uses the watch his father had given him to kill Higuchi to reclaim his identity of Kira.

I think it's interesting that the only other times, i.e., while killing Kiyomi Takada and Near, he uses the watch again is after his father had already died. I know he didn't use it before that for practical reasons but I also think it's because he couldn't bring himself to sully the memory of trust his father had in him by entrusting him with the watch, unless absolutely necessary.

The trust that was gone the moment Soichiro says this on his deathbed:

Soichiro: "...Light, you're not Kira...I'm so glad..."

Matsuda: "O-Of course he isn't! You were still worried about that?"

Even after the mock execution, Soichiro still doubted Light which were dispelled just before his death. He dies without knowing the truth, yet dealing a blow to Light that might never heal. At the end, Matsuda, a man who's disposable to Light, trusts him more than his own dad. Cruel irony, isn't it?

This is the moment Light realizes that the trust he thought his father had in him was all his imagination and it shatters his heart.

I feel that Light & Soichiro's relationship is the most tragic one in Death Note.

[starbula]

Felis catus

prompt: parents rating: G (except for a tiny profanity at the beginning) for @starbulaweek, day 4

“This is bullshit. She’s my cat.”

Peter was whining again. This was becoming a daily conversation and Nebula was growing bored of it. “It’s really not my fault, and for the record, she’s our cat. Just because you found her doesn’t make her yours.” 

Peter glared at the cat in question, who was curled up in Nebula’s lap, purring loudly. Too loudly, if you asked Peter. The cat was mocking him, he was sure of it. 

Peter grumpled, “She was playing with me for the past hour, but as soon as you show up I’m chopped liver.”

Nebula smiled down at the cat and scratched between its ears. Peter could have sworn he heard her whisper “Good girl”. 

“I can’t help it if I’m her favourite parent.” Nebula said, “maybe you should try being nicer to her.”

“Nicer? I found her on Earth and gave her a home. I feed her every day and clean out her litter–and let me tell you that girl can do some pretty big things for her small size.” Peter made a gagging noise. 

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Nebula was laughing now, “If it’s any consolation, I’m 75% sure Cosmo likes you.”

☆

[thegreatyin]

What, precisely, is fallen London, and how can I play it? Ive been told it's a browser game, will it work on my phones browser or only my computer's?

SWEEPS EVERYTHING OFF MY DESK. SLAMS MY HANDS ON THE COUNTER. you're in luck because advertising this game is apparently my specialty.

fallen london is a free browser game that works on anything with an internet connection!! laptops, phones, tablets, the decade old 3ds you have stashed in the back of your closet- if you can open a web browser, you can run fallen london. the UI obviously differs between desktop and mobile, and desktop has the benefit of extensions that can make your life marginally easier, but that's all a strictly optional affair.

as for the game's actual contents; fallen london is a text-based horror game closely reminiscent of classic "choose your own adventure" books. you play as a new arrival to an alternate history version of victorian london that now flourishes in a deep, dark, marvelous (and more than slightly eldritch!) cavern known as "the neath", with the goal of making your name and ultimately pursuing one of the four possible ambitions that brought you here to begin with. along the way you encounter a wide variety of strange and inexplicable things, including but not limited to;

men with the faces of squid (who are not truly men)

actual real soul-stealing devils (who originate from Actual Real Hell, which is also london's next door neighbor)

snakes that are eternally bound to the realm beyond mirrors (who have an infamous feud with sapient talking cats)

treacheries of time, law, and all that which the gods hold dear (including the ability to bypass death itself)

sirens who are convinced they're dead (in a place where, as stated, death is easily bypassed)

sentient landmasses that get REALLY annoyed if you don't pay your taxes on time (and are also single and ready to mingle)

fabric that is not fabric (which is held in quite high value by certain giant bat monsters)

spiders that eat eyeballs (but are, fortunately, easily distracted by shakespeare)

genres of colors you didn't think possible (in seven fantastical flavors!)

batkissing (not canonically, but in our hearts)

batfucking (this is, somehow, marginally more canon than the above thing)

batmarriage (no.)

batdivorce (in comically large spades)

The Hat Man (who's in love with and yearns to become like a sentient island)

gay people (a lot of them)

trans people (also a lot of them)

doomed love, in all possible forms (as well as those who try and collect it)

this thing (this thing)

and last- but certainly not least-

a pitiful hope that perhaps, just perhaps, all shall one day be well. (even when you know it won't be.)

it's a game with lore as deep as the ocean, and a staggering wordcount (4.5 million!) to boot. it's not perfect, but it's something i've grown to love deeply, and in my experience? if it doesn't click for you, that's understandable. but if it clicks for you, it really does click for you. i recommend it to anyone and everyone who so much as looks its way. who knows! it may just surprise you 🦇☀️🦀🌃

as a further incentive, here are some out-of-context items and excerpts:

as stated, you can play it right now for free at fallen london dot com. there is a subscription and a small bounty of microtransactions on offer if you want to support the development team, but at no point is this ever required, and you will be playing for years before you reach the end of stuff to accomplish. all major content updates are free and available to all players, and FOMO to this day remains virtually non-existent. as once again stated, the browser specs are non-existent. if you can run google, you can run fallen london.

so head on down!! give the neath a try!! follow admiralty orders and dump a bunch of bombs directly into the zee (underground sea) whilst accidentally waking up a giant grieving sea urchin that screams fire and violently pursues your demise!! (that's what we're all doing right now, anyway.)

if the browser game isn't for you, there's also other outlets with which to explore the universe. you can find the spinoff games Sunless Seas, Sunless Skies, and Mask of The Rose available to purchase right now on steam, and there's recently been a very successful kickstarter to adapt the game into a TTRPG. it looks very cool so far. im very very very excited for it :)

in lieu of having to come up with a conclusion for this ask, im instead going to direct you to the MoTR stupendium song (which you'll find linked below). it says far more and advertises far better than i could ever dream of. also, it's a straight bop, and "all ends/swords pens" has lived rent-free in my brain for months.

welcome to the neath, delicious friend. we hope you enjoy your stay ❤️

[astrolook]

✨📲From Desires to DMs: The 11th Lord’s Role in Today’s Life 💸🤝

Note: These are just my personal observations and recurring patterns I've noticed over the years. This post is based on principles from Vedic astrology. Take what resonates with you and feel free to leave what doesn’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to share in the comments if any of this resonates or reflects your own experience.

11th lord in 1H

You come across as witty, charming, and naturally optimistic. You have a poetic way of expressing yourself and a gift for speaking that draws others in. Generosity comes easily to you, and luck often shows up when you need it most. Life may throw you into strange and silly accidents, sometimes even sending you to the hospital unexpectedly. Still, you’re someone who can manifest your desires through personal effort. If you have an elder brother, they might face health challenges. In many cases, you are the firstborn or the only child in your family. Marriage tends to bring more comfort and material happiness into your life. You attract good friends and can rise to success through self-employment. Fame, wealth, and even awards are within reach, especially if you pursue singing. However, if this placement is afflicted, it can bring setbacks, including the rare but serious loss of an elder sibling.

Self-branding, influencer vibes, personal blog, lifestyle reels.

11th lord in 2H

You give off serious PR manager energy. You know how to charm, persuade, and make things happen with your words. Your friend circle is more than just social, it’s profitable. Joint ventures and investments often work in your favor. You might be low-key famous in your circle, whether as the quiet observer, the quirky one, or the center of attention. Careers in sales or banking suit you well and can bring solid financial rewards. Wealth can also come through your spouse, or even through donations if you're involved in activism or run an NGO. You're someone who knows how to turn social capital into actual capital.

Invests in crypto, runs a budgeting YouTube channel, side hustles for savings.

11th lord in 3H

Your elder sibling (if u have one) might become successful or headed that way. They tend to support you, and your bond with siblings in general is strong. There's a chance your sibling is the same gender as you. You're wired for self-employment and can build wealth by standing your ground and outsmarting your rivals. Moving far from home could boost your career and raise your status. Creative fields like writing, poetry, singing, or music are lucky for you. Not only do they bring joy, but they can also lead to real profits.

Content creator, viral tweets, runs a newsletter, digital marketer.

11th lord in 4H

You find joy through your maternal side unless the chart throws a curveball. You might actually feel closer to your father if he’s around. You're a smart worker, not a hard one. If money allows, you'd gladly outsource chores to a maid or even a robot. Investing in vehicles could bring profits, and real estate or agriculture might be other solid income streams. You tend to be practical, maybe even money-minded. Scholarships, higher studies, and awards are well within reach. Your mother is likely kind-hearted, and your spouse could be both fortunate and charming. Parental property might come your way, too, if it exists.

Home decor vlogs, real estate flipping, cozy aesthetic Instagram.

11th lord in 5H

You're or would be the kind of parent other kids wish they had like cool, wise, and totally in control of the future. You may share a strong bond with your father, and your own children will likely be just as attached to you. Gains can come through your spouse and even your kids. You value education and have a natural flair for being classy. The stock market, investments, and even a little gambling might bring in good profits, especially if you play your cards right. You're someone who blends brains with bold moves.

Stock tips on TikTok, sells art/NFTs, runs a fan page, livestreams games.

11th lord in 6H

You may have dealt with health issues or felt betrayed by friends or co-workers at some point. If you have an elder sibling, legal disputes or tensions with them might surface. You're logical, sharp, and a quiet fighter that's more strategic than aggressive. If you dream of running your own business, moving away from home could open doors to success. Loans can work in your favor but always read the fine print. If this placement is afflicted, relationships with elder siblings may suffer, and older people at work might try to undermine you or dump their issues on you.

Posts productivity hacks, LinkedIn power moves, wellness and fitness reels.

11th lord in 7H

You gain a lot through your spouse and their family, often enjoying a strong bond with them. You're naturally sensual, and at times, your spouse may have the upper hand in the relationship. This is a great placement for buying property or investing in a home. Before marriage, you might attract partners with hidden agendas, or you might be the one with them. Your elder sibling or grandparents could live far from you. Working with international clients or in internet-based fields brings success. You build a solid reputation, especially if you work abroad or run your own business. People tend to see you as a leader and may even follow your lead. If this placement is afflicted, it can bring serious challenges, including the loss of an elder sibling or spouse in extreme cases.

Couple vlogs, business with partner, relationship advice account.

11th lord in 8H

You’re built for the long run, but your spouse may not outlive you. You have a strong sensual side and might explore fleeting connections before finding "the one". There’s a magnetic pull toward taboo or hidden things, and you might even turn that into a career like adult content, sex work, or platforms like OnlyFans. You could also attract partners with similar paths, along with fame-obsessed partners, before settling down. Sudden, unexpected gains may come through the loss of close relatives. Fame might hit overnight, too, especially through viral moments or shock value.

OnlyFans, tarot TikTok, anonymous confessions, deep dive YouTube videos.

11th lord in 9H

You're fortunate, wise, and speak with clarity and truth. You're the kind of person who might one day be honored by the government or your workplace for something meaningful you’ve done for the greater good. Knowledge flows naturally to you, and there's potential to inherit property through grandparents or extended family. Your father may be supportive and well-off, or in some cases, you might have a stepfather instead. Recognition, awards, and even fame are likely especially in foreign lands. If your hometown doesn’t get you, the world just might. You’re made to shine beyond borders.

Travel vlogs, spiritual podcast, shares study abroad tips.

11th lord in 10H

You’re naturally wise and speak with honesty. You tend to overcome enemies in every sense, be it social, professional, or mental. You’re likely to care deeply for your mother, especially in her old age, though your relationship with your father may feel distant. Career success grows with age, and you’re likely to settle in a good, respectable neighborhood. Roles tied to the government or authority can bring you recognition, wealth, and a solid reputation. You’re someone who can profit easily from your profession, and multiple streams of income are definitely part of your path.

Career coach, TEDx speaker, shares hustle culture content.

11th lord in 11H

Your knowledge grows steadily as you’re a lifelong learner with an ever-curious mind. You’re likely to want a big family, whether that means many kids, adopted children, or even a house full of pets. Longevity, effortless success, and easy money tend to come with time. You may inherit ancestral property or receive support through an elder sibling if you have one. Your friend circle is a source of gains and opportunities. You carry a natural drive to always want more like more growth, more success, more connections.

Online community builder, event organizer, group chats for networking.

11th lord in 12H

You may unknowingly create obstacles for yourself. You might be surrounded by people yet still feel lonely or misunderstood. Earnings from foreign lands can be highly rewarding, and settling abroad could bring peace. If you have elder siblings, they may face health issues, or in rare cases, pass away early. You tend to connect deeply with outsiders, people from different cultures, or even strangers online, sometimes more than with those around you. You may carry heavy family responsibilities. Health-wise, there’s a possibility of insomnia, migraines, weak eyesight, and in very rare cases, even blindness. Donating to charity and engaging in selfless acts can help ease some of the more difficult effects of this placement.

Soft aesthetic Tumblr, anonymous blog, remote freelancing, ASMR YouTube.

Wanna dive deeper into your chart's layers? ✨🔍 DM me for a full astrology reading, a 5 or 8-year marriage report, detailed synastry, or a kundli matching breakdown 🌙💬 Check out my pinned post for pricing and more info 💫💸

Let’s decode your cosmic chaos together ⭐💖

[ghoulphile]

no use cryin' over spilled milk | c.h./the ghoul

➥ pairing | cooper howard/the ghoul x f!reader ➥ word count | 2.8 k ➥ warning(s) | 🔞 smut; dirty talk, frottage, lactation kink, pregnant!reader, fingerfucking, praise kink, breast play, the ghoul calls reader pretty mama, he's a pervert who wants to lend a 'helping' hand ➥ summary | based off this ask; oops being an experiment from vault 4 where you may be the first rad resistant human pregnant with a possibly rad resistant baby, and you come across the ghoul who helps you get to a safe place but then he gets attached with you and the baby 🥺 (this is just me trying to insert a lactation kink somewhere i'm sorry) ➥ notes | uhhhh pls let me know if i missed anything, my brain is dribbling out my ears (its 3:44 am and i have work at 8 am rip) but the parasites persist. i'll do the tag list when i wake up ❤️ masterlist | feel free to send in thots, questions, requests! | feedback is always appreciated ❤️

Going topside wasn’t an easy decision.

In fact, bile bitter regret often lingers in the back of your throat - a lump that stifled the air in your lungs.

And while you might’ve been bioengineered to survive better under these harsh wasteland conditions, every time you find yourself in a less than ideal situation, you're catapulted headlong into paralyzing self doubt; alone and rudderless.

No one lives in the vaults - not truly.

Birdie (and the others) warned you of what awaited beyond those lead-lined walls. But you couldn’t abide spending the rest of your life trapped in a cage, albeit a gilded one.

Not anymore.

Oh no, you wanted to feel a real breeze instead of air pumped through the HVAC. Experience the sun baking warm into your skin like fresh bread instead of the artificial heat of the UV lamp used for mandatory light therapy sessions. Complain about the chafe of sand in your shoes and hear the crunch of dirt under foot instead of a hollow clunk of sterile metal.

To witness first hand all the sights, sounds, and smells this world offers. 

Only… you didn’t expect it to be this hard.

Nor did you expect to be pregnant when setting off into the great unknown on your own (a definite oversight on your part [you really shouldn’t have had one last hurrah before hitting the road]).

Through trial and error, motion sicknesses that swing into crippling nausea as manic energy - your first taste of true freedom! - dwindled into dragging fatigue, you found a happy medium. None of which would have been possible had it not been for the most unlikely of companions.

Ghouls; who knew, huh?

Sure, you’d heard of them from the rotating door of visitors that found themselves at Vault 4, but you’d never seen them. While you grew up surrounded by visible mutations, seeing the battlefield of his body was off putting; how a person could survive a patina of burns and patchwork slices without unraveling at the seams was beyond you.

And kind of frightening.

But he took it in stride, introducing himself as Ghoul. Refused to divulge anything else of substance no matter how much you poked and prodded.  His life pre-bomb was a complete mystery filled with plot holes and unanswered questions (which is exactly what he preferred).

You learned to be comfortable with his meandering conversations, and all the words he spoke that said much of nothing. And what you did glean, you did so through observation alone. 

He was alone - had been for a very long time.

He was very old - one of the last of his kind.

And he was, in his own way, very kind - at least by wasteland standards.

“The fuck you doin’?”

Pausing, you stop mid push and hover awkwardly on your hands and knees. The vault suit pulls taut across your hips, pinching behind your knees uncomfortably. Your toes squeak in your shoes, socks thoroughly soaked through with sweat.

It’s been unseasonably hot (or it’s the hormones). Whatever the case, this is the first semi-decent lodging you’ve camped in for weeks, and you’re not about to miss an opportunity to freshen up.

And maybe find a way to soothe the building ache in your tits - flesh swollen tender and nipples rubbed raw.

“I’m just, uh, gonna,” you motion towards the back of the house, the askew bathroom door clinging to its hinges by a corner, “y’know, f-freshen up. See if they don’t still have some water.”

The Ghoul scans you up and down, gimlet-eyed. “S’that so?”

You huff, your knees starting to ache.

Being five months pregnant throws your center of gravity for a loop, the atmosphere weighing extra heavy on your bones. It doesn’t help that the baby’s decided sitting directly on your bladder with a foot tucked under your ribs is the best position.

“Didn’t know I needed permission to take a piss now,” you snipe. Usually, you try to reign in the hormones but the day’s been too long and you’re in pain. Anyone would be a little snippy (right?). “Can I do that on my own or do you need to watch, Mr. Ghoul?”

A faint smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth, his gaze glinting from beneath the rim of his hat as he tips his head. “Better watch it, sweetheart,” he says. “Otherwise, I might have’ta wash your mouth out with soap.”

Pushing yourself up with a grunt, you determinedly ignore the raspy chuckle that follows as you waddle towards the bathroom. Cussing him out all the while in your mind.

While he’s been ‘nicer’ today - stopping for extra breaks, even packing it in several hours earlier than usual because he noticed how weary you looked - he’s still an asshole.

The toilet’s gone, the tub’s tipped sideways, the linoleum’s cracked, and closing the door sounds like a pack of howling mole rats but its functional. When you catch your reflection in the spider web fractures of the mirror, you grimace.

The wastes have certainly left their mark on you. Gone is the prim-and-proper vault dweller, replaced by a gremlin of a woman Overseer Benjamin would surely scowl at.

A true ‘surfie’ now.

“Great,” you groan, scrubbing a palm over your face. “Just - ugh!”

You’re caked in grime, a steak of dirt smeared across the bridge of your nose. Mysterious stains darken the blue fabric, the golden stripes of your suit an off-putting grey.

Your hair clumps in greasy chunks. You’re glossy with sweat, and while your curves have plumped up over the last few months, you didn’t realize just how much until now.

The vault suit’s always been tight - now it clings and creases in unflattering places. And there’s nothing you can do about it, unless the Ghoul is willing to spare a sewing kit.

You could let the waist out some…

What the hell am I gonna do if he won’t? There’s no way I’ll fit if this baby gets any bigger. Shit, I look like a fucking sausage. Your hand cradles the side of your stomach, stroking over the bump with a frown. This is all your fault, you little parasite.

“You better be so fucking cute - the cutest goddamn baby in the wasteland. Or I will riot.”

Tugging down the zipper over your breasts is heaven, the swollen flesh spilling out of the parting fabric, no longer compressed. It’s almost enough to make you cry as you struggle to tug the lycra off your shoulders, the fabric putting up a fight.

After some awkward contortions that pull uncomfortably at the muscles of your shoulder blades, you manage to wrangle yourself free.

The temptation to burn the stupid goddamn suit is almost too much to resist, but then you’d really be traipsing around the wasteland in the nude and just… no.

Peeling off your undershirt is another story altogether, the soft cotton feeling like sandpaper as it scrapes over sensitive skin. Your nerves tingle with awareness, bolts of pain shooting through your nipples with every shift.

Quick like a bandaid, you think, taking a steadying inhale.

It’s a miracle you don’t scream.

Tears cling to your lashes, your nose running as you toss the shirt to the side with one hand and cradle your chest with the other. Sure, you’ve had tenderness with your period but this kind of pain? A whole new level.

You almost don’t know what to do with yourself.

How is this fair - aren’t you suffering enough?

Sniffling, you peer down at your tits and gingerly cup them with your palms. Swollen hard and warm to the touch; a heavy weight crushing your ribs.

Do I really have to milk myself like a fucking brahmin? Another bolt of lightning crackles through your nerve endings as if in response. Fine. God, this is embarrassing.

Only any attempt at touching your nipples produces pure agony, shards of glass biting into delicate skin.

No matter how slight your touch, no matter how gentle your fingers - it doesn’t work. Leaves you more distraught and in pain than when you began as inflamed nerve endings crackle and burn.

And when the tears truly start, the dam breaks. It’s not long before they drip down your cheeks in fat rivulets, your breath hitching from you in pathetic little exhales.

Your fist shoves against your mouth in an attempt to smother the sounds, teeth sinking into your knuckle until you leave sore indents.

But you should know better, not only does the Ghoul have heightened senses (he’s taunted you constantly with this fact like the asshole he is), but he’s uncannily perceptive in a very annoying way.

You don’t hear the squeal of the door, but you do sense his presence behind you; the rad warm burn of his body as he stops a scant few inches away. You feel his breath against the nape of your neck, the barest brush of his chest as he inhales.

“You ready ta stop bein’ stubborn?” he hums. “I thought I told you not ta wait s’long.”

Your voice warbles from you, “G’way.” You curl into yourself, shoulders hunching as you hang your head. “Don’t need your help.”

The Ghoul snorts. “Cuz you doin’ so well on your own, huh?”

“I resent that.” You shoot him a weak glare, the animosity ruined by the crumble of your lips. “I really, really do.”

You hate always having to rely on him, so desperate to prove that you can take care of yourself only to have every effort to do so thrown back in your face.

Shit, you hate how right Birdie was, “Honey, you won’t last five minutes on your own. Please stay here with us where it’s safe.”

“Well, maybe so. But pickers can’t be choosers, sweetheart,” he shrugs with a languid roll of the shoulders. “Ain’t no use cryin’ over spilled milk. C’mon, the longer you wait, the worse it’s gon be.”

“I just - you don’t understand…”

He reaches around you to set his hat on the sink, the dwindling light of twilight creeping in through the holes in the roof to bathe him in its bloody light.

He looks like a grotesque demon that clawed its way from the depths of hell. It gets your pulse thudding, electric awareness an unwelcome visitor as it roosts behind your navel.

“I understand plenty. Now, let me.”

Not an offer - not really.

More akin to a demand, one wrapped up pretty like a gift. You’ve been here many times before, and while the Ghoul proffers his help under the guise of not wanting to hear your bitching and moaning, the hungry gleam of his eyes as they rake over your face say otherwise.

If it’s one thing you’ve learned in your travels with him, it’s this: he is entirely self-serving. He offers because he wants to suck on a set of pretty tits. If you happen to cream your panties while he does, well, he counts it as a win-win.

Quid pro quo.

And what you hate more than how utterly correct everyone is about life on the surface, is how needy he makes you. How desperate and dumb and dripping he’s got you by the end, drunk off the flick of his tongue and the rasp of his touch.

Because it’s so hard to be strong in the face of pain when the solution is right there; open-palmed.

“...Fine, just don’t - don’t leave marks this time, okay?”

A slow waking smile creaks across his face, and he says, “I ain’t makin’ any promises, sweetheart.”

Your stomach swoops, and your thighs clench.

Shit.

Scarred lips work over tender flesh as a talented tongue flicks and swirls over the bumps of your areola, the tip digging into your nipple and drawing the swollen nub into a hot mouth. You whimper, arms tossed over the Ghoul’s broad shoulders.

Cold ceramic digs into the base of your spine, your body crowded back against the sink as he plasters himself to your front. Cuts off any escape routes and refuses to let you squirm away from the overwhelming sensations as he suckles.

Heavy palms grope at the plush curves of your hips, fingertips digging into the fat.

His lips pop off your nipple with a sticky smack. “Always taste s’fucking good,” he groans against your sternum. “Got the prettiest set a tits in the wasteland.”

“Hnn! N-Not so hard.”

While you say that, you don’t mean it - not really. Your pussy throbs in time with your heartbeat, clit swollen and aching for friction. Your inner thighs are a mess of slick, your vault suit caught around your knees.

He never touches you below the waist directly (some boundaries still exist between you two), but at this point in your pregnancy, you’re so sensitive a gentle breeze could set you off.

“Heh, ain’t you know lyin’s a sin?” he says.

A scarred cheek drags over the swell of your breast, the rasp of rad burn alighting your nerves. Bolts of desire ricochet down your spine, fizzle like Nuka Cola on your tongue. He presses an open mouth kiss to your nipple, his tongue flicking out to massage the tender bud.

At the taste of your skin, his cock twitches where its grinding against your thigh. You feel him through his ragged pinstripe slacks, his shaft a thick line of heat.

It’s probably the hormones (you refuse to admit its anything else) but just the thought of touching him, of sinking down onto his erection - feeling how fucking good he’d stretch you out and fill you up - makes you dizzy.

You pant, your voice distinctly whiny when you say, “Please, d-do something. It still hurts.”

His grin reminds you of the mongrels roaming the wastelands. “Sh,” he hushes you. “I got you, sweetheart.”

The tips of his fingers brush along the side of your swollen stomach. Your heart flips in your chest, your breath catching as he follows the contours of your body, reaching down to brush over the skin of your mound. This is new, he’s never done this before. It’s simultaneously as arousing as it is terrifying.

“Can smell how wet you are for me,” he says, tone low and gruff. “You gonna be a good girl for me, ain’t you?”

“I-”

Then his mouth is slurping at your tit, his teeth biting down on your nipple gently as those strong fingers dip between your thighs. Blunt nails scratch through your pubic hair, a calloused pad swirling circles around your slippery clit. Your hips jump, your head rolling back between your shoulders as a loud moan rips itself from your throat.

You arch back so far your belly presses against the Ghoul’s, your tits smothering his face.

You think, half deliriously, it’s a good thing he doesn’t have a nose otherwise you might’ve broken it.

“Shit, that’s so - oh, fuck, please, please, please!’

Your legs widen to make room for his hand as yours fly up to grab his biceps, nails biting into the rough leather of his duster.

His tongue flutters across your areola. “C’mon, pretty mama, give it ta me.”

“Oh.” Sparks dance behind your eyes, your knees shaking as the Ghoul strokes over your folds, tests your wetness and the give of your cunt as he plays with your entrance. “Right there,” you gasp. “I’m gonna…”

He grunts, tugging on your nipple with his teeth.

The sharp bite of pain shoots through you, deepens the kindling warmth behind your navel that steadily builds and builds and builds. You feel on the very edge, nerves plucked like the keys of a piano.

So close you can taste it.

Then a tingling starts in the tips of your fingers.

Burns its way up your arms to settle in the weight of your chest, pins and needles pricking across the skin of your tits, lancing through the swollen buds of your nipples.

You tremble, the relief bringing tears to your eyes as tears the heaviness releases in a warm flood, your milk letting down to flow into the Ghoul’s eagerly pulling mouth.

“Fuckin’ finally,” he moans, chasing after the taste by nuzzling into your chest. His cock ruts against you. “Took you’re sweet damn time, didn’t you, darlin’?”

Your head spins, hazy thoughts scattering like confetti.

Endorphins simmer through your veins as you float on a cloud of cotton softness. Reality seems worlds away, your vision blurry as you focus on the points of contact between your bodies. The stretch of his fingers plunging into your pussy to stroke over the front wall.

Mouth slack, your hands creep up the Ghoul’s arms to trace over the sides of his neck, watch the dance of your fingers over his skin. “It feels s’good,” you slur. “Please don’t stop - wanna cum just like this.”

“Heh, wouldn’t dream of it.”

[thestarwanderer]

"Hotel Reverie": A heartbreaking simulation of Love and Grief

(Spoilers ahead)

In its seventh season, Black Mirror quietly delivered what may be one of its most emotionally devastating and thematically rich episodes to date: Season 7, episode 3: “Hotel Reverie.”

On the surface, it seems to echo the show’s usual motifs—technology, simulation, AI, identity. But beneath its layers, its grayscale glamour and eerie premise lies something far more intimate: a queer love story about agency, performance, memory, and the ache of loving something that was never supposed to be real.

And it’s this contrast—between what is scripted and what is felt—that gives Hotel Reverie its haunting, aching brilliance.

The episode follows Brandy Friday, a Black actress who, despite her fame, is creatively stifled and emotionally detached from the roles she’s typecast into. She craves something deeper, something immortal—a performance that doesn’t just live on screen but lives in the hearts of those who witness it. She mentions all time classics like Casablanca and so much more.

That opportunity comes in the form of a film company rebooting Hotel Reverie, a 1940s romantic classic, if I remembered it correctly. Through advanced AI-simulation technology, they don’t recreate the film around Brandy but instead they drop her inside it. Fully immersed, Brandy’s consciousness becomes the character Alex Palmer, while the simulation populates itself with ultra-realistic AI versions of the original cast, including the tragic female lead, Clara, played by a synthetic version of late film icon Dorothy Chambers. The catch was Brandy never received the full briefing or protocol, she didn't know it would be unrealistically real...She didn't know Clara would feel so human and she certainly didn't expect to fall in love.

The episode is about technology, yes but more than that, it's about the quiet war between authenticity and performance, and how queer love is often forced to live between the two.

Clara, the AI was built from Dorothy’s old performance tapes as Clara and Dorothy drew it from her life, her emotions was based on her own sorrow and experiences. It is initially just that. It was meant to be just a performance. Graceful, poetic, timeless. But as Brandy begins making off-script choices, the AI system starts to destabilize. Clara begins to glitch. And what was once a program begins to feel like a person—one whose every emotion is bleeding through from the long-lost heart of Dorothy Chambers herself.

Dorothy, we learn in implication, was a queer woman living in the 1940s, an actress who died tragically, quietly. She never got to live a truthful life, never got to love openly. Instead, she buried her feelings inside her most iconic role: Clara. That role is now AI-coded into the simulation, which means that Clara’s love is built from Dorothy’s pain.

Brandy, meanwhile, begins as an outsider. She doesn’t believe in the simulation. She doesn’t even trust the reality of what she’s seeing. Her performance is half-hearted, her delivery flat. But it’s not poor acting, it’s intentional distance. Brandy is, after all, an actress. She’s learned to hold herself back, to keep her identity just outside the camera’s reach.

Until Clara starts going off script. Until Clara starts looking back at her.

That’s when Brandy stops acting. That’s when she starts feeling.

One of the most emotionally complex and narratively brilliant choices of Hotel Reverie makes is the uncertainty surrounding Clara's memory after the reset. After Brandy wakes up and hears the team calling her back to reset the scorpion scene. And this was after everything they’ve been through, the weeks they spent together in the simulation, the moments of genuine intimacy and self-discovery—Clara is returned to a point in the story before it all happened. And Clara reappears right before her very eyes, just as she was at the beginning and Clara was looking at her saying "My heart is pounding like a drum". Same intonation, Same staging. But for Brandy, it was no longer the same. For Brandy's case, since she's real human, her mind, everything was intact. The uncertainty of that scene was purely haunting and magical at the same time. What happens next is subtle. Brandy hesitates and she doesn't say her line right away. She studies Clara's face... her eyes. Searching for something.

Is it her?

Is she still in there?

Clara seems confused by Brandy's reaction but only just. Not like someone who has no memory, but like someone who feels something just beneath the surface and can't explain why. It's eerily familiar, like a love that exists without memory.

The dilemma, as someone who was now at this point fully invested with the story, I felt anxious too, constantly I was asking questions in my mind "Does she remember?" "Does she know?"

For me, I know she was reset but I think... deep inside her, she knows. A part of her remembers.

Clara’s behavior after the reset—her tone, her reluctance to meet Brandy’s eyes, the strange weight behind her words, it all hints at something deeper.

She says:

“I’m a married woman. I can’t… I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

And it fits the script, but it also feels like a double meaning. As if she’s not just speaking as Clara the character… but as someone who remembers what happened and doesn’t know why she remembers.

There’s a moment when she looks at Brandy and her eyes shimmer—not with confusion, but with something that feels like grief. Like she knows what’s coming. Like she’s trying not to break the character, what she was asked to, what she's supposed to do as an AI.

Here’s where it gets even more tragic, and brilliant. I personally think it’s not Clara who remembers but Dorothy?

Clara is a simulation. She was a role. But she was built on the emotional DNA of Dorothy Chambers, the woman who once played her. A woman who lived a closeted life. The person who loved someone she could never be with. Who poured that heartbreak into the character of Clara.

When Brandy calls her “Dorothy,” the AI begins to shift, to change. The simulation becomes porous. Clara, for the first time, begins to feel the real woman beneath the code.

So even if Clara was reset, even if the AI has been reprogrammed—the echo of Dorothy Chamber's grief still lives inside her. And the love, once it's truly felt, is not easily erased.

So maybe... Clara doesn't remember the events, but her heart remembers something. Even if she doesn't know why Brandy suddenly feels like home.

But that's just my wishful thinking. The audience is meant to feel conflicted. It's meant to feel like we're stuck between two truths. 1. Clara is a simulation who has been reset and 2. Clara is a soul who fell in love and never truly forgot. That unresolved ache? that invisible string still pulling Brandy and Clara together even as the worlds resets is what makes the story so devastatingly human.

Because love isn't always about memories, sometimes it's about feeling something you can't explain.

And in the moment when Clara says "You must go" with eyes that know too much. Me as someone who witnessed their story unfold, realizes something terrible. That maybe Clara does remember...maybe she chooses to let Brandy go anyway. To protect her. Just like Dorothy once didn't get the chance to.

Another aspect of the story that truly haunts me was how Clara AI perceived Brandy in the beginning. In the simulation, Brandy was meant to play the role of Alex Palmer- a male, white doctor. The simulation was coded to present her to the world of the film as Alex: male, charming, heterosexual, traditionally heroic.

Brandy was in theory, masked, her body present, her identity hidden by the lens of the 1940s characters perception. But that never truly held. Not for Clara.

Despite the programming, despite the simulated environment, despite the rigid gender roles of the time, Clara sees Brandy. Not as a man, Not as Alex. Not as a character to perform with. She sees her essence, her spirit and the actor/person beneath.

As the story progresses, the romantic dynamic deepens between the two. In a story rooted in artifice, programming, gender coding and simulation, the heart cuts through all of it. Their story was shaped by presence, connection and truth. In the end, Clara doesn't say "I love you, Alex", she says, "I love you" and this was unmistakably addressed to Brandy, and she means it. And this was even after the reset.

Another thing to point out is, how much has been said about Issa Rae’s portrayal of Brandy—some calling it too subdued, too passive. But this criticism misunderstands the core of Brandy’s character.

Issa Rae plays Brandy as a woman trained to survive the industry by not feeling too much. Her detachment is not a lack of chemistry, but a shield. She enters the simulation not as a lover or a believer but as a professional, dropped into a role without context or rehearsal. She was expecting to meet fellow actors to establish connection and rapport with fellow humans. That's how acting and filming goes normally. But that isn't the case here, and because of that, she plays Alex Palmer with hesitation, with irony, with cynicism.

But slowly, that mask begins to slip.

It starts with stolen glances. Quiet awe. Little expressions of disbelief—In her mind she's probably thinking “She’s just code. Why does it feel like more?”

Rae’s restraint becomes her weapon. When the final breakdown comes when Clara is reset and no longer remembers her—Rae doesn’t explode in melodrama. She crumbles in silence. It’s not theatrical. It’s real. And it hits so much harder because of everything she held in before. She was slapped by the unfortunate and harsh truth, that everything is artificial. It's not real.

Her final delivery of “I’ll be yours forevermore”, the line she’s been waiting to say the entire film lands like a funeral vow. It's not for the camera.

It's for the woman lying dead in her arms. the one she spent endless nights, weeks, months with. The woman she fell in love with.

And then there's Emma Corrin, Emma Corrin’s performance is surgical in its softness. They play Clara with the kind of grace and vulnerability that feels too perfect at first—a fantasy of the golden age of cinema. But that’s the point. Clara is an AI. They were immaculate from the very beginning. They were playing a programmed AI designed to be seductive, poetic, elegant and timeless. Clara wasn't confused; she was supposed to follow the original movie's narrative. She was on script.

Clara isn’t supposed to feel. She isn’t supposed to change.

But as Brandy veers off script, Clara begins to show cracks. She slowly gives a smile that lingers too long. Eyes that start searching for answers to questions she was never supposed to ask. Corrin manages to convey an AI that is accidentally learning how to want.

Clara's whispered “I love you” is delivered not like a confession, but like a discovery. Like a glitch in her own programming. And the way she touches Brandy’s face, as though she’s trying to memorize something that’s already slipping away? It was not scripted; it was something sacred.

The part where she starts to grasp memories from Clara's data pool, and Dorothy's life. I was bawling. She saw fragments of her life; the applause, the movie sets, the fake smiles, the closeted love and the loneliness of being adored by millions by known by no one.

Clara felt everything and Corrin was amazing to convey such emotions in the screen. Clara saw how Dorothy was trapped in gold, wealth and fame around her like silk-lined shackles- a life where everyone wanted her, but no one ever truly saw her. And the worst part, Clara realizes she's living the same life again, inside the simulation, a role she was never meant to question. It's devastating because it says so much about how people tend to romanticize women like her; write their suffering as elegant, preserve their tragedy in HD, but never ask "What did she want?" , "Did anyone ever let her choose?"

And when Corrin delivered the line " I was born in a cage. I should die in a cage", it was so haunting and achingly beautiful at the same time because Clara was aware, and she wanted to do something Dorothy never could. Like she inherited the ending Dorothy never escaped. But she wants to end it in her own way, her own terms and not by following any script.

Corrin doesn't just play Clara. They play Dorothy, too—still trapped inside the role, finally reaching out from decades of silence, begging not to be forgotten again.

And the tragedy is—she is. and dare I say, Emma Corrin deserves at least a nomination for this role.

Hotel Reverie is not just a sci-fi romance. It is a commentary on the cost of performing for the world and the quiet revolution of being seen anyway.

Clara was never meant to feel. Brandy was never meant to care. Dorothy was never meant to be remembered for her love.

But through Brandy’s choices, through Clara’s awakening, through Issa Rae’s restraint and Emma Corrin’s vulnerability, this story became more than just a film inside a film. It became a ghost story, a love letter and a tragedy.

A reminder that even in simulated spaces, Love is always real and forgetting it is the true heartbreak.

What Hotel Reverie does without making a spectacle of it—is something profound: Despite placing its characters inside a 1940s simulation, a time riddled with racial tension, misogyny, and queer oppression, the episode refuses to make those elements the point of pain.

Brandy, a Black woman. Clara, a white woman born from a 1940s film role. Two women. Two identities that would have been considered scandalous even to be in the same room romantically during that era—

And yet? Their love is not questioned. Not framed as political. Not punished for its optics.

There is no scene where Brandy’s race is mocked or tokenized. There’s no line of dialogue explaining why Clara’s AI programming “accepts” her. There is no moment where the gender of their relationship is pointed out as deviant.

It just exists.

And that is so, so rare. In a world of stories that center conflict around identity—in which being queer or being a person of color is the obstacle to overcome—Hotel Reverie offers something revolutionary because it lets love be the center. It's not about the struggle, the scandal, the justifications.

Brandy's identity is present and it's the core of her whole personality, but it does not define her worthiness to be loved. Clara's identity too, is not a reflection of purity or acceptability. She is not the symbol of 'ideal femininity." She is a construct who becomes real. 'It's not a queer love in a time that forbids it" it's just two souls who were never meant to meet but finding each other anyway. Because when the world falls away, when time, rules, programming and expectations crumble,

Love is just love.

It doesn't need to be explained.

[luckykiwiii101]

YOU’VE GOT TWO FACES BUT ONE RUNS ON RUNWAYS, AND THE OTHER…WITH TEARS

| | THE 411 ON HOW BE TO TWO-FACED THE RIGHT WAY | |

XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GRL

XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GRL

ཐི your 3D face may be drenched in tears, but your 4D one isn’t ཋྀ

Hey Upper East Siders.

Once upon several times, I’ve told you that you’ve got two faces. The outer self, and the inner self. Can you guess who’s prettier? Cause one’s signing modelling contracts, and the other’s signing contracts in blood. One hopes, and the other receives.

You don’t have to be as smart as Blair to know who’s who. Now for the big question. “How do I function in the 3D whilst being my inner self in imagination?” Well luckily for you, complex questions breed simple answers on the upper east side. If you’re reading this, I assume you’ve made the wise decision to start being your real self. God. Creator. Whatever.

Now what to do with that pesky outer self?

Let’s start off with ignorance. The most common misconception when it comes to the 3D is that you have to “ignore” it. Which is definitely not an ivy league answer. So what exactly is the answer?

Since you’re only and fully identifying with the inner self, you completely unidentify with the outer self.

Unidentifying with the 3D doesn’t mean to ignore the 3D. You are still experiencing the 3D in your day to day life, you simply cannot ignore it. All you can do is just not identify with it. How do you do this? When you experience the 3D, you do not assume that your 3D self is the real you, because your inner self is the real you! You view the 3D as nothing but an illusion based on past assumptions.

What to do when experiencing 3D circumstances? You are NOT supposed to be “ignoring” the 3D. How can you ignore something that is right in-front of you. You have to view the 3D as nothing but an illusion based on past assumptions!!! This is how you unidentify with the 3D! It has nothing to do with you because it is nothing but an ILLUSION based on PAST assumptions!!!

Of course, when persisting no one expects you to be perfect when experiencing difficult 3D circumstances. You have to understand that you are the inner self, that is the one who possesses the desires. That is the one who is experiencing the desires. Not the outer self. Negative feelings come from the outer self and the outer self only. -> CLICK ME to understand further.

Once you understand this, nothing can shake you. The inner (real) self remains undisturbed by 3D circumstances. Your outer self can feel whatever, cry, scream, the full package. But that doesn’t affect the inner self. All it does is show you who you’re identifying with. And because of that, you know exactly what to do. Which is go back to imagination and feel. Identify with the inner self and the inner self only. Nothing can “ruin” your manifestation anyway, because you’re the creator of your reality. You only hurt yourself when you don’t go back to imagination and identify with the inner self, and wallow in the false feelings the outer self tries to impose on you. Your feelings are telling you who you’re currently identifying with. Feeling those negative feelings? Go back to imagination and identify with your inner self. You know that I AM (real you) does not experience the 3D.

Ever wondered why actors and actresses do not actually become the character they are playing? (unless they’re method acting, which can be very dangerous for the reasons i’ll explain ahead!!) It’s because they do not identify with the character. It all comes back to identification. They can play the character all they want, but it’s whether they identify with the character that matters. They wear the face of the character in-front of the camera, but behind the scenes they know who they are. They know that the character has nothing to do with them.

Apply this to the law of assumption. Your outer self experiences the 3D. But are you identifying with that self? No. Therefore it does not affect you. You know that it has nothing to do with you. It is nothing but an illusion based on assumptions that you no longer hold.

Example of how you should behave when experiencing the 3D: *something really bad happens or you see the opposite of your desire* -> you first acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you and is nothing but an illusion based on past assumptions. You are completely unidentified with it.

-> then you go back to imagination (start with this feeling) and experience having your desires (only if you feel the need to!!! god does whatever god wants, whenever god wants). Always identify with the inner self and the inner self only.

NOTE: How to know if you’ve unidentified with the outer self? Your feelings will answer that for you. Feeling unfulfilled? Outer self. Feeling fulfilled? Inner self.

So ultimately, what you should do when normally functioning in the 3D and experiencing circumstances:

✰ You view the 3D as nothing but an illusion based on past assumptions.

✰ You acknowledge that the outer self has nothing to with you (pure consciousness aka the real you)

✰ Regardless of 3D circumstances, all you do is go back to the real you and experience having all your desires in your real reality as your real self. (simply whenever you want to).

✰ You remain completely unidentified with the outer self and fully identified with the inner self.

✰ You only ever feel like the inner self. You feel that you have all your desires because you are identifying with your real self.

There’s only one real you. The outer self is a mere reflection. Change your outfit. Or you’re not invited to sit on the steps of the met with B & S. Speaking of B’s and S’s, identifying with what you don’t want is complete BS! Pardon my language upper east siders. Until next time, XOXO

- gossip girl

XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GRL

XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GIRL | XOXO | GOSSIP GRL

[novy2sirius]

BRUTALLY HONEST NUMEROLOGY

⬫ lower vibrational vs high vibrational

⬫ note: most of the negative things you’re reading are only applicable to lower vibrational people (people who are consistently at a lower vibration due to their actions). these things of course will not apply to everyone as all your numerical energies play an importance in you and your life experiences do as well

⬫ tw: porn (18+ only), divorce, abandonment

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ the real compatibility of astrology signs lies in the numerology. everyone goes by elements, but i’m sure anyone who has met people and examined enough dynamics between signs can tell that it’s just not accurate with the “fire is compatible with air and earth is compatible with water” bs. the two most compatible signs based on numerology that are soulmates are capricorn and sagittarius’. sag season starts 1122 and capricorn season starts 1221. this is one of the many reasons why. it may be confusing for numerology newbies, but i can explain it in depth in another post eventually

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ i don’t think 7’s are good lovers unless they’re 16’s usually. i’m sorry, like i said these are honest.. it’s the same way i feel about strong aquarius energy in an astrology chart. they just don’t know how to put others first, be thoughtful, or be in a relationship in general. usually the men, sorry. they have a tendency to fall weak to any sexual behavior they’re surrounded by. i’ve witnessed many of my friends (even 11’s who are quite compatible with 7’s) get heartbroken by these 7 men because the second a pick me girl tries to get with them while they’re in a relationship, they don’t even try to have self discipline and be loyal. they’re just pervs usually or narcissistic and will find a way to always make you feel as though everything is your fault even though they’re the ones that don’t put effort into relationships. they tend to be better independent. 7 is known as the number of “the loner” for a reason. i don’t think they’re all literal “loners”, but they operate better alone than with others

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ i have never had good experiences with people that have prominent 19 energy (one of the unreduced 1’s). it could just be that most people with it have lots of negative past life karma, so it’s indicative they have not been a good person in recent past lives. i also believe it has to do with the home environment they often grow up in though. many people that i’ve met with this energy have unbalanced emotional energy simply because they grew up in a chaotic household and now they don’t know how to control their anger or other emotions. 1’s in general sometimes don’t know how to. however, i don’t think any number can directly cause someone to be a bad person, that’s ridiculous. just like with astrology, it does not make you do anything. i’m sure there is people with 19 energy that are good people out there, i just have not yet met any unfortunately. i’ve also noticed they have big ego’s.. like jojo siwa born on the 19th for example. she comes off very cocky and tries to act like it’s just sexy confidence like other women, but it really comes off like a cocky white man instead, which also makes sense with 1 being the number of masculinity and 9 being the number of the ego. to be fair it’s an intense number to have, but these people can be egotistical and just mean as hell sometimes. i will add something good to this since this was a very harsh take. these people can have things come back to them super duper fast, so if they put their energy toward positive things then they can attract better into their life then they’ve gotten in the past

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ i have yet to meet someone with 25 energy who isn’t a hoe or hasn’t been a huge one at some point. as we know, 2 doubles the energy of the number it’s next to and 5 is the number of sex. this creates lots of sexual energy in people with this number. they tend to also run the porn industry and only fans industry. an example is lana rhoades who was the number one porn star in the world for a while. she was born in 1996 which adds to 25 (1+9+9+6=25). also i do not want to see 13 year olds commenting “i’m not a hoe”. i would hope not, you’re a child..

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ almost everyone with 14 energy in their birthday has had a person in their family abandon them as 14 is related to abandonment. often people with this energy always have divorced parents as well or had a parent leave them when they were really young unfortunately. a good thing about this number though is it can create a very self disciplined energy in someone and cause them to not need others to thrive in the way other numbers do

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ people with 9 energy (especially 27) will accuse you of doing the shitty things that they’re doing when they’re lower vibrational and gaslight you. i would say this number is one of the worst gaslighters. my friends and i have had such bad experiences with the lower vibrational people with it that we literally refer to it as “the number of gaslighting”. they also will never let go of things. even if you got into one tiny fight they will hold things against you forever and don’t know how to forgive and move on. however, i also have met people with 27 energy that aren’t immature in this way and are very intelligent

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ people with 3 energy are the absolutely worst secret keepers. do not tell them your secrets. it’s the number of communication and gossip. as much as some of them hate to admit it they love drama. they’re fun to hang out with though and often the life of the party

[writers-potion]

Writing Mad Characters

Okay this is a bit awkward because I had this question copypasted into Google Docs I use to draft my answers, and I realized I've lost the question in my inbox (which is being flooded).

So...I'm so sorry for whoever asked this question. Sorry for the delay because I was struggling with life in general for the past month and definitely SORRY for losing your question (－‸ლ)

Q: I'm writing a story where a major character is slowly spiraling into madness where small details kinda hint into the downfall right before the bigger details appear and then it the floodgates open. Is there anything I should avoid? Anything that I should keep in mind? Anything that I should research?

Things to Avoid

“Mad” or “Insane” is too general. Writing a cliched ‘crazy’ character who randomly talks to imaginary people and lashes out at strangers, you’ll offend a whole bunch of people who've gone through/have mental illnesses. Read up on existing mental conditions (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic disorder and borderline personality disorder, etc.) to see what your character might have. 

Words like “mad” “crazy” or “insane” aren’t enough when you’re describing their status. As mentioned, these words hardly mean much when it comes to providing a clear description.

Contradicting yourself. Throwing random unhinged symptoms here and there wouldn’t work. In fact, you must have a clear arc on which they’re traveling and ensure that your “hints” are all getting at something.

Making the character overly destructive or harmful to others (when nothing really justifies it)

Justifying damaging behavior with this “madness”. Mad or not, your character will still have motives and goals that drive them forward. 

Making them look incompetent just the fact that they have a mental condition that makes them appear “mad” to others shouldn’t prevent them from achieving success. In fact, they may be even more cool-hearted and logical when it comes to their obsessions/goals. 

Research Tips

Narrow down the mental conditions your character experiences. Even if it’s a fictional condition, try basing it on existing ones and building on top of them. 

Take some time to study characters and/or real clinical cases that resemble the kind of madness you’re going for. 

- Anxiety Disorders: excessive fear and dread (ex. phobias) - Mood Disorders: persistent swings in mood or persistent feelings that interfere with daily life (ex. Depression, bipolar) - Psychotic Disorders: disordered thinking (ex. schizophrenia) - Eating Disorders: extreme emotional attitudes toward food (ex. Bulimia, anorexia) - Impulse Disorders: unable to resist urges (ex. Kleptomania, pyromania, gambling) - Personality Disorders: extreme inflexible personality traits (ex. Anti-social disorder, OCPD) - Past Traumatic Stress: persistent, frightening memories leading to emotional numbness 

Does your character have empathy?  

A sociopathic kind of madness is different. 

General Writing Tips for Spiraling into Madness

Establish a Baseline 

A lot of factors (stress, family history, innate personality, trauma, etc.) can contribute to madness, but it is not going to happen in a week. Define the existing mental and physical conditions your character has, and start from there. 

If you’re aiming for suicidal tendencies at the end, you want to start with symptoms of depression (a condition that may lead to suicide) - growing apathetic, erratic sleeping patterns, irritability, etc. 

This is also the stage where you want to plant some triggers that’ll go off later.

Trigger Events

A perfectly sound character suddenly spiraling down the madness route due to a single accident or traumatizing event isn’t convincing. 

A madness “snap” denies the reader the experience of watching the character’s journey into madness and how they feel about it. 

Internal Conflict (antagonist in himself) 

You must remember that madness is incurable. If someone could “cure” themselves by eating healthy, exercising and taking a few pills, it wouldn’t be much of a madness, would it? This means that the worst antagonist is going to be the character themselves, or the part of them that’s been taken away. 

Show how they are frustrated with themselves, scared of themselves, angry at their “alternative self”. The experience of not knowing yourself is a whole journey of its own.

Physical Manifestations/Quirks

If your character has a routine, show how they break down. 

They might develop habits that they otherwise would never allow themselves to have, perhaps as an effort to “keep this madness out”

Deteriorating Relationships

Depict how the character’s madness impacts his closed/loved ones. In the earlier stages, those close to him might be faster to notice and accept the signs of madness, even if the character denies it him/herself.

The first signs of madness might show when the character is trying to deal with difficult relationships - like losing patience and being unable to pick up subtle social clues.

Choosing Obsessions Over Primal Urges 

For these characters, obsession can take over a person’s normal urge to eat, sleep or even live. This can lead to, more or less, suicide. 

Example: In Black Swan, Nina’s obsession with becoming the perfect ballerina drive her to insanity, to the point where she doesn't mind dying on stage for the show.

[elodieunderglass]

Oh!!! You collect leucistic animals?!?!?

Seen in May 2024. This white tailed deer with a very pale silvery coat! She wasn’t completely white, but definitely much paler. Regular deer in the same yard for comparison. The colors are pretty accurate to real life! Sorry the photo quality is so bad, these are cropped versions of already very zoomed in photos lmao

Does this count as leucistic? Or is this a different pigmentation thing happening? I tried to find an explanation online at the time but I couldn’t find any examples of this specifically.

Oh thank you so much for thinking of me!

After several years of collecting colour morphs, I’ve decided to simplify by just keeping them all under #the leucism channel #(open to all colour morphs) because I still see tremendous pleasure and value in curating the diversity of animal colouration.

The primary personal reason in my heart, and the reason why I admire and collect colour morphs at all, is because it gives us the experience of witnessing the animal as fresh and new to our eyes. Sometimes without the distraction of colour and pattern, it takes a moment to truly understand what you are seeing - by recognising and re-cog-nising the character of the animal - which in itself reminds you of the true nature of the animal. So that being my intention, I collect them and they make me happy, but I only do it under one tag, and I’m no longer hugely interested in deciphering exactly what mutation a photo of an animal has, or hosting those arguments in my notes. So it’s a blanket thing. The Leucism Channel for tradition and recognition, and Open to All Colour Morphs because it is! This deer is definitely eligible!

As for your lovely witnessing, that does look leucistic - it can be a partial pigment loss, it doesn’t have to be “pure white” - just paler when considered from the centre point of the wild-type expression.

In domestic animals, where we select for colour morphs both purposefully and unintentionally, we use expressions like “dilution factors” to talk about genes that reduce the levels of an animal’s colour. For example, a black cat with the “dilution effect” applied becomes a “blue” cat - those cats with blueish grey fur. A black horse with cream dilution becomes a Smoky Cream, which is a silvery gold colour. You could think of it like a slider where you have (base + dilution). The dilution of a black cat is not grey or white, but blue-grey.

Leucism in wild animals encompasses the slider that is paler than wild type, and melanism encompasses the slider that is darker than wild type. (There are specific words for specific pigment losses but it is not inaccurate to start with this understanding and then expand it.) and the word we use for something that has fallen off the slider entirely is albino. Albinism carries other genetic implications and significances, which is why people will argue about it.

Thus the deer you have is quite likely to be leucistic, exhibiting characteristics of leucism, but perhaps only partially - as a dilution rather than a loss of wild-type expression.

What a lovely sighting, thank you so much!!

[fatkish]

Heyy, i wanted to request a Eresermic im which Aizawa has a biological daughter, but she is being bullied and they noticed when she was already thinking in ending it all.

I understand if this is too dark, i just lived something similar and my parents blamed me, so some confort would be apreciared hahaha

Thankss, i love your writing 🩷

(Oh my gosh, this hits so close to home because this happened to me. My parents grew up in the era where if boys were mean to you it was because they like you. So when I begged them to do something about my bullies, they did nothing. Needless to say, my childlike innocence was the only reason why I’m alive. Although I may be doing better than I was back then, nothing can erase the trauma from the unintentional neglect from my parents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll be basing this somewhat off of my own experience and I’ll be putting it in the Pro Heroes x Inner Child Series)

Erasermic x Aizawa’s Bullied Daughter Reader

(TRIGGER WARNING: This story has mentions of bullying, harassment, allusions to suicide and suicidal thoughts, depression and other potentially triggering topics. Please be advised)

Since you basically have two dads, you refer to Hizashi as papa and Shouta as dad

Your quirk was called restraint. Basically if you called someone by their real, full name, you could temporarily restrain them as long as you focused on them

But just like your dad, you also had to be able to see your target

But unlike your classmates, you were a late bloomer. You developed your quirk at age 8, which led to you being bullied by your peers

You knew that your dad’s worked really hard and that their jobs were really stressful at times. So the last thing you wanted was to be another source of stress for them. Which is why you didn’t tell them about the bullying

You were 11 when you just couldn’t take it anymore. You tried to deal with the situation on your own, you tried to fight your bullies who even started making fun of your dad’s being a couple

You tried not to let anyone’s words affect you but after so many years, you started to believe them too. And you began to bully yourself

You would tell yourself that your dad’s already had enough stress on their plates and that you were just a burden on them. You had started to mentally and physically beat yourself up

The bullies had started to use their quirks on you, resulting in bruises which you would hide with makeup that your Aunt Nemuri had gotten you since you started to develop acne

Since your dads would get home late, you had plenty of time to get home and cover up any wounds

One day, you just had enough

You decided that you were better off dead. You decided that you would take your own life after you got home and would leave a note before leaving the house so your dads wouldn’t have to deal with the body

Unknown to you, Aizawa had gotten a call from one of your teachers who was concerned about you. She had seen you fighting and decided to give Aizawa a call since your grades and overall performance had declined significantly

Aizawa had informed Hizashi of the call and they decided to go home early and wait for you. They believed that you were going through puberty and the hormonal changes were effecting your performance and were the cause

Imagine their surprise when you get home, covered in bruises, a busted lip that was still bleeding and a completely dead look in your eyes

Seeing their precious baby in such a state they immediately started to worry and begged you to talk to them

They had prepared your favorite food for dinner and even got you your favorite dessert as a treat. Seeing how sweet they were, you broke down and confessed your pain and your plan

Hizashi was balling his eyes out and wrapped you in his arms while Aizawa had clenched fists with tears in his eyes.

Aizawa made the call to your school demanding a talk with the principal and the parents of your bullies. While Aizawa was setting that up, Hizashi had you sit on the couch while he tended to your wounds, disinfecting them, cleaning them and bandaging them

He told you that he loves you even though you’re not his biological kid, you’re HIS little listener, his favorite kid in the whole world. He then picked you up and smothered you in hugs and kisses

Aizawa came back into the room and brought the food

That night, you guys are on the couch as you snuggled together under a blanket and watch your favorite movie

The next day, Aizawa and Hizashi dropped you off at UA with Nemuri, while they had a talk with your teachers and bullies. They decided that homeschooling would be the best for you right now since they want to make sure you heal mentally, physically and emotionally from this before you go back

They had told Nedzu what happened and he agreed that for the meantime, until you were mentally stable again, the safest bet would be to have you do your homeschooling at UA where you’ll be surrounded by people who can help you and prevent you from doing anything detrimental to yourself

Needless to say, they love you and you are their whole world and you’re the reason why they fight to come home. You’re their motivation and the reason they fight to protect

(I hoped this helps you and that you guys enjoy this)

[holyblonded]

go ahead and cry little girl | golden girl

pairings: paige bueckers x oc (for a second) diana taurasi x daughter!oc, alexia putellas x teen!oc

summary: kenza never could quite understand why her dad could never show up; times throughout the years kenza has been let down

warnings: daddy issues and deadbeat dad 👻

notes: based off of real experiences 🫡 READ KENZA’S WIKI PAGE FOR BACKGROUND INFO

FOURTEEN YEAR OLD KENZA STARED LONGINGLY AT THE SEAT IN THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY SECTION.

It was her first El Clasico with the senior team and she knew her mom had told everybody. Kenza even invited him. She could hear her teammates celebrating their win as she should be, yet there she was staring at the cold, bare seat. Her eyes shifted to her Mom and Diana who both held sympathetic looks on their faces.

Kenza's inner turmoil was broken by Alexia who ran up and grabbed her face. "What's wrong, Amorcita? You scored the winning goal!"

Kenza couldn't bring herself to answer, instead she kept staring at the seat. Alexia followed her eyes, and after a silent conversation with Nor, she had figured it out. "Lo siento, mi Princesa," was all Alexia could offer as Kenza shoved her head to her chest.

"Why didn't he show up?" Kenza cried, loudly.

"Smile, Kenny!" Diana Taurasi told her freshly turned nine year daughter. Kenza smiled showing her gums off to the camera as the flash went off. "Look at you, pretty girl. Finally nine."

The family had decided to spend Kenza's ninth birthday in London as day after the Olympics ended. While Kenza, was excited to see her moms, she saw them quite often, she was quite revved to see her dad, someone she hadn't seen since early May.

"Mama, when is dad getting here?" Kenza decided to ask her mom. Kenza carefully observed her mom tense up before quickly recovering.

Nor, with a tight smile on her lips, responded, "Let me check, Chiquita."

Diana seemed to pick up on her fiancee's mood, "Aye Kenny, you ready to see Auntie Sue and Auntie Meg?"

Kenza's eyes brightened at the mention of her favorite aunties, "Wait, let me go put on my shoes," the birthday girl ran up the stairs of the rental as Nor unknowingly let go of the breath she was holding.

"Where is he?" Diana asked bitterly. She and the retired NBA player have publicly and privately bumped heads numerous times. Akoni calling her a "wife stealer." While Diana didn't like his alcoholism and reckless behavior around her family.

Nor sighed as tears welled in her eyes, "He's not coming at all. Got caught drinking and driving, he got charged with a DUI so now he's being checked into court ordered rehab," Her heart truly hurt for her daughter.

"Fuck," Diana muttered before pulling Nor into her, "Hey, Kenny is strong."

"That's the thing, she's nine. She's not supposed to be this strong. I keep letting him hurt her," Nor rancorously ranted, a tear slipping down her face before being quickly wiped away by Diana.

"It’s not your fault he is the easy he is,” Diana said through clenched teeth, “Don't worry, I'll tell her." She offered, gently directing her distraught fiancée to the couch before going upstairs to break the news to you. Five minutes later, Diana came downstairs with a sobbing child in her arms who just wanted comfort from her moms.

Kenza leg bounced up and down in the rather comfortable chair, lost in her thoughts. This was possibly one of the biggest nights of her life, the Ballon d'Or Awards; being nominated for the Kopa Féminin Awards has been the highlight of Kenza's season. If she won this award, she would be the first ever recipient to win the category.  Most importantly, it was the first award show her whole family was coming to.

Paige looked at the girl beside her and rested her hand on her knee before whispering in her ear, "I told you once, and I'll tell you again. You are going to win, stop being so nervous."

"I can't help it," Kenza mumbled back, inhaling sharply. Her eyes watched the stage, seeing her Auntie Meg take the stage.

A bit zoned out, Kenza came back to it when Paige nudged her as Megan announced the winner. "The first Kopa Féminin Award goes to..." Megan smiled as her voice broke with emotion, "my Kenny, Kenza Creoxells."

Blood rushed to Kenza ear as she sat there with a dumbfounded expression on her face as she took in the information. She got up after Alexia came to the table and basically pushed her out of the chair.

Taking the stage after accepting the award and hugging her auntie. Kenza looked in the crowd scanning the room, she saw her mom and mami, Paige, her Barca teammates, even some of her friends from UConn and Yale. Her eyes paused on the empty seat, her eyes going to her moms who has the same sympathetic looks on their faces. A odd sense of deja vu washed over Kenza before she shook her head of her thoughts.

"Kenza Creoxells is the first ever recipient of the Kopa Femenin Award earning it for her work with Barcelona Femení." The announcer said making people cheer louder, as the picture of Kenza doing her signature celebration is blown up on the screen.

"Wow, I have nothing to say but thank you. Thank you to my Mama who let me move in with Auntie Alexia because she saw that this was truly my dream. Thank you to my Mami who literally never let me quit no matter how much I wanted to. Thank you to everyone at Barcelona for giving me a chance and my teammates for helping raise me. Thank you for my team and Yale, my friends as UConn and Paige for always being there. You all have truly become my family and I can't ask for any more than that, thank you," Kenza sniffled before she walked off the stage and more applause thundered throughout the building.

Kenza sat outside of her own party, playing with the Barcelona flag wrapped around her. She had escaped the party after winning the Kopa Award, feeling particularly overwhelmed. Her initial plan on sneaking out with Paige was squashed when she saw Mapi talking Paige's ear off.

"My Enzy! Look at ya! Kop' Winner!" A familiar deep voice thundered.

Kenza looked up from her place on the steps, "Dad?" She quickly got up and took a step toward him, "What are you doing here?"

"My daughter won the... the award! Why wouldn't I be here?" Taking the step forward was a big regret on Kenza's part as the smell of alcohol became prominent. Kenza took in his appearance: Red eyes, stumbling around, she knew he wasn’t sober.

Kenza smiled wryly, "You forgot. You forgot like everything else. Why? Why can't you be a good dad for day, just a day." Kenza sobbed as she sat back down on the steps.

Akoni seemed to sober up at the sound of his daughter's sobs. He sat next to her and sighed, "I have a lot of regrets in life, but having you isn't one of them. Not being there for you, is. I'm a deadbeat, drunk with too much money. I was never worthy enough to be your father, I knew that as soon as I held you. After your mom and I broke up, I spiraled. Don't be like me Enzy, be better."

Kenza sobs only grew louder as she rested her head against Akoni's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Enzy."

[the-s1lly-corner]

When you're bed rotting (crp edition)

Aka this is admin vaguely venting while writing some self indulgent stuff but tbh gang imma be so real this isn't really self indulgent for *me*

Characters: eyeless jack, slenderman, ticci toby, jeff the killer

Notes: reader is gn, short post, jeff doesn't fully getting it so he's a bit of an ass unintentionally, written based off admins stuff so obligatory "my experiences do not reflect everyone's"

CWs: vague mentions of mental health struggles

SLENDERMAN

it doesnt take him long at all to notice that theres something wrong with you- better it be seasonal or somethings changed in your life thats prompted to you stay in bed all day... for many days on end... hes not very judgmental, whatever it may be hes going to perch himself at the edge of your bed and watch over you

even if he cant immediately break the rot, he gives you an outlet- someone to talk through it. you know you can tell him everything, and something about that is comforting enough to coax you closer to him

too out of it to really get out of bed and get something you need? he'll be trailing at your heels to silently encourage you to go make a meal- and hes ready to step in if you need some extra hands... or tentacles. if it becomes too much he carries you around... baby steps

TICCI TOBY

he gets it, he occasionally bed rots every now and then. so he feels for you when he sees you repeating his old habits- laying in bed nearly unresponsive as you either stare blankly at the wall or scroll on your phone mindlessly

brings you items he knows bring you comfort- blankets or plushies, snacks to make sure you at least have something inside you, water- things like that to give you *something* to cling onto

refuses to leave your side, tries to convince you to come out with him outside... not even for a full fledge walk- just sitting out on the porch is enough... come on, lets get some fresh air...! tells you about his day to try to brighten yours

JEFF THE KILLER

doesnt get it at all- he thinks you just need to rest for a day or two. he does become mildly annoyed when your slacking on your share of the chores starts to show and hes just about ready to go off on you before he sees just how... out of it you look, how exhausted you seem as you basically sink and fuse into the bed

he may be bold enough to physically take you out of the bed himself if you refuse to get up, whether or not thats the right thing is.... debatable but hes not the most educated or sensitive when it comes to a lot of struggles--- where you lay and stare at the ceiling, jeff gets angry and lashes out. you have different responses to things

stab? you want to stab something? want to stab something now? you can borrow his knife and go shank someone if that would make you feel better- he... has a long way to go...

EYELESS JACK

actually knows whats happening with you, as well as having experience with it himself on a personal level. hes definitely spent days laying and doing nothing- and sometimes those days turned into weeks... he gets it, but hes not going to sit quietly and let you decompose into the mattress

blunt and forward, but not totally unkind when he asks you if theres anything going on with you- typically starts asking after the first day or two of you laying in bed. his tone is always flat, but hes trying his best to sound outwardly supportive

coaxes you out of bed to do small activities to try to kickstart you back into the swing of things. tiny things. make yourself a simple snack... if you cant shower, hes got you some wipes and dry shampoo- that can work until you can bring yourself to bathe

[leidensygdom]

The ways in which being asexual feels isolating

I've been pondering whether to post this or not, but I figured out I wanted to explain a bit of this experience.

So, I could go on a very long tangent on how being asexual is usually a lonely experience, and how much I've been otherized here and there- Specially in real life. How the same people that claimed to be queer (or allies) had been much weirder about my asexuality than they were about me being bi/pan or whatever.

But I think I wanna talk about how something like that bleeds in every aspect of socializing, even down to something like fandom. I stay away from fandom usually- I like to look at cool fanart and that's about it. I hate discourse, I hate drama, I hate reading people getting worked up because they're treating fanon as canon. But there's one thing I've noticed, over and over, that just sends me off my rails.

And it's how fandom tends to treat asexuality (or aromanticism). So, you get a character in some piece of media that explicitly, unequivocally, states they're either ace, aro, or both. "I do not have interest in a partner", "I don't desire to have sex nor do I enjoy the topic", whatever. And as an ace person, I do appreciate being able to see myself in media- There isn't many chases where something is established that bluntly.

Now, you decide you want to check some fanart for that. Fandoms have this tendency to make absolutely everything about shipping, even when the media they're basing it in does not revolve about that (and it's annoying, because a lot of times people aren't interested in the actual themes- It's all reduced to shipping). Suddenly, you notice people treating the aforementioned character as anything but aro or ace. It's all about shipping. "This person interacted with this other person in a way two friends would, but we gotta make this their entire personality now". Some people may instead go for "well, maybe the character is not having sex, but they're probably an absolute freak about it, studies it extensively, has encyclopedic knowledge about it-"

Now, there's of course sex-favourable aces, and that's completely valid, but it's already straying from what, canonically, the character had mentioned. Asexual or aromantic characters aren't really allowed to exist as themselves. People often see them as a blank slate to fill, to change, to fix. I could talk forever about how people react to real life aces like that. I've had people asking me incredibly invasive questions because they saw my lack of sexual attraction as something broken, something they could fix.

And I hate that! I think I'm allowed to say that I hate that! It's hard and unusual for media to cement an aro/ace character, because they're defined by the lack of interest for something, which is often hard to show. But when it does- No one seems to care. It's all shipping, it's all "well, he's gay in denial", "well, she's probably super repressed". If you took a canonically gay character and made them straight on a fanfic, you'd get angry people. Which is bound to happen when you erase representation that people identify with. But aro/ace characters are NOT even seen as queer, they're not even seen as "representation" by most people. You can erase that bit of it, put some god awful shipping on top, and people will applaud you. And it sucks!

I wish people would see being aro or ace as an identity worth respecting, not an identity that needs overwriting. It feels a bit too close to how people often treat aro/aces irl, and it sucks. It reeks of this sort of exclusionism, where "aro/aces are technically queer but it's queer lite at best, it's less interesting than being gay, and we kinda don't want them near us anyhow". Again, I've had far worse experiences about being ace than I have about not being straight.

Sorry if the post got long, but I hope this experience may at least resonate with other people who have been struggling with this, too. It has always felt just kind of lonely to be ace, and see how little people do even consider it an identity, even when it comes down to something like fandom.

[rsventhesecondd]

midnight rant,

╰ • → Featuring . Hayato Suo as your boyfriend ! ╯

sypnosis . whereas— you're an overthinker, desperately trying to save your friend group that is falling apart. You find no way to cope, but luckily your boyfriend, Suo is here for you. :3 , Hayato Suo x f!reader 

warnings . light cursing, mentions of mental health issues, abandonment issues, angst, self-vent, skin picking , fluff

note ⧽some parts may seem rushed or ooc in other peoples opinion. english isn't my first language, so please bare with oncoming vocabulary or grammatic mistakes. Based off real life experiences

authors note . hi! this is for all those people that overthink a lot specially when it comes to relationships. I didn't really explain more, it has so much lore potential too.. It's not really more of a you getting comforted once you read it, but rather it's a you being in the same situation again, but not being alone. I really wanted to write Suo, but I didn't know how. Anyways, this might be a subtle vent, foreshadow :3

—

You sat down the bench just a few steps far from Furin Highschool, your eyes welling up– unable to hold tears. You should've been home, if not for that argument you had with your  bestfriend. 

It was your mistake, it was your issue, you're the problem. Was what kept on replying all over your head like Broken record. What was is the cause of this scenario? let us go back. 

You lashed out, unable to control your feelings any longer. What was once joyful and full of glee, was now full of trepidation and gloom. Your two  close friends, somehow, two of your only close friends that you consider as close ones are starting to drift apart. You couldn't really blame them. You rarely meet, nor called. Rarely chatted, hell– whens the last time you guys ever talked about your own lives? They were all too busy with their places to be, and you were too. Not that you  didn't have any other people to interact with. But somehow, some part of you is missing the times where you three were happy, talking about this– your new crushes, how your lives has been going, laughing over stupid things, ranting about this and that about how annoying they were knowing damn well you were annoying too. But you couldn't care less, because at that time, you felt safe. It was as if a safe zone, your safe zone. But then things started to fall apart, barely chatting, updating, and the other more— you tried. You tried to replicate the same energy you've had before, you tried to bring back the joyous and gleefulness of memories that you've remember. Now realizing that it has only turned into a mysterious enigma written in the ink of stardust on the back of your brain. You were hysterical. How could such strong bond just fade away ever so quickly? The promises and plans made, are now starting to fade. 

Those tears welling up in your eyes not holding up any longer, flowing as they stream down your cheeks. You wipe them away with your sleeves, hoping the flow water from your eyes stop as you let out a sniffle. 

"[name]?" a familiar voice questions, causing you to instinctively turn your head away from where the noise came from. You begged to the gods that this was just a dream, hoping you were hallucinating. You were in such  disgraceful state, you don't need another problem to participate.  There you were on the bench, closing your eyes shut as you continuously picked on your skin, hoping that the man of that voice disappears into thin air. 

"[name], dear.. what happened?" the same voice from before said, inching closer. You open your eyes to see Suo with a worried expression. You quickly wipe your tears once more, using your tear stained sleeve, trying to utter out words, but it seems as if you couldn't speak. "Shh.. It's okay, my love." Suo says, sitting down beside you, resting your head on his shoulder. "You know, your skin will be irritated if you wipe your tears like that" he says in a gentle, but slight tease of a tone. He faces you, cupping your chin as he wipes your tears away with a handkerchief. As much as you wanted to push, maybe– shove him away even, you found yourself calming down from his actions. You wanted to go away as far as you could, you wanted to bury yourself deep underground. You've never shown him this side of you, and it terrified you. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong now?" he says with a smile, it's as if it wasn't even a question, rather a clarification. You take a deep breath and sighed, "It's just, my friend has been seeing this person lately, well, used to. And they've been ranting about how this person they're seeing is 'cheating' , only going to them when they need something, and other more stuff. It just pissed me off. My friend deserves more than that, and it got to me. I attacked their ex in spite, saying shit I didn't even know I would. And.. I know it's my fault, I wasn't in the right place to do that. And I apologized, I felt bad, I swear, I really did." you say, unbeknownst to you that tears are flowing down your eyes, fingers picking on your skin. Suo, nodding silently, his hand creeping up to yours, holding them– as a way to prevent you from picking on your skin. "But, I'm.. scared. I know we all make mistakes, and I know my friend is a good person and that they do forgive me. But I'm scared. I'm scared that it'll fall apart, I'm scared that they'll leave me– I'm scared that I caused a problem, that I break something again" you say, breath hitching as you tighten your grip on his hand.  "I contacted my other friend Kotoha, who I was closer with. We three were really close, and I know them a lot. Even though they don't realize it, I always observe how they react to different stuff. And, Kotoha was friends with the person I fought.  I reached out to them, after the argument, and apologizing to my other friend because of the situation I've created, and after awhile Kotoha never replied even though they were online. And, I can't judge them, they might've not seen it, and they've been there for me a lot too. But I just can't help but overthink at the most little things, and I hate it. I hate it so much, I–"  you stammer, cut off by a light kiss on the lips. "I understand." Suo says, wrapping his arm around your back, his hand pushed you ever so slightly to his chest– pulling you into a hug. "You can't really force someone into a relationship, [name]. Platonic or not, if the relationship is not working and there is no solution, best leave things be" , he says, patting your head. "If the friendship wasn't it, then it's all part of the plan of fate. Mistakes are normal, [name]. And if they truly are friends, people you consider you can trust the most then.. , they will accept you for who you are. Your flaws, mistakes, but that doesn't mean they'll tolerate it. If the gods have decided that friendship truly is not meant for you three, then let it be and accept things for what they already are. Yes, it'll be hard, but I'll be here with you. I'll accept you for who you are, flaws, and secrets kept. I'll be with you when you need me, and when you're alone. I'll accept you with my all of my heart. Just like you did with me" he added, moving his hand to pat your back soothingly. This time, you weren't crying from sadness, or terror. You were crying tears of glee. 

"Let's buy ice cream? My treat of course." Suo says, standing up– reaching his hand out to you, the other behind his back as usual. "Really?" you exclaim, eyes brightening up as you let out a sniffle, him nodding in response.  "And let's put some cream on your hands after wards, get you fixed up" he added.

"Okay! I love you!" You said in your same bubbly mood, almost forgetting the events of today. 

"I love you too, my dove" he says in a soft tone, giving you a look of love. 

note . this had so much lore potential. I'm gonna rewrite this whole, trust.

[sirenm3lody]

THIS POST IS FOR SEX EDUCATION AND HELPING TOO NORMALISE EXTREMELY REAL CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

Rilyn: he/she/xe/it

ok so I know I’ve spoken about erectile disfunction across all genitalia havers on my blog before but I feel I should go into more detail about specific aspects based on personal experience as someone with a vagina.

When I’m having having sex or masturbating yes there are times I end up finishing, but I also experience sudden flash backs and overthinking that cause my brain to try and stop focusing on sexual stimulation and instead trigger an anxiety attack, panic attack or depressive episode. This will lead me to push harder, to try harder, I will end up in pain because of how badly I just want to finish but physically can’t, in those moments it’s best for me to stop, but unfortunately you aren’t thinking of that when you’re telling yourself you aren’t worth love or affection if you don’t finish, something that should take a short amount of time alone for me takes me over an hour because I’m forcing myself to continue despite the end getting further and further away. I want to finish, but I can’t. I end up either finding something new to get me off or I give up, both options lead me to feel like shit if I am not reassured.

You don’t often see people talk about their personal experiences with their sexual life as it’s been made taboo, and embarrassing. But if you don’t know what’s happening in those moments and you see no one speaking about it you will feel so much more alone. These aren’t taboo subjects. They may feel awkward or scary but they’re important.

I’m hypersexual. My hypersexuality has been active since I was a kid and I have been living with it, and been getting affected by it for that whole time and still continue to struggle today, this affects how my body experiences sexual stimulation, whether it’s aimed at someone or not, masturbation for me is a tool to get rid of an inconvenient situation, but if I don’t finish in a specific time span when I’m thinking of it as a job or chore [I can’t decide if I do think of it that way, it’s just the context in the situation] then I will be in pain, I will feel like I’m not worth love, or like I need to work harder, push harder, think of something new and arousing, but even if I find something exciting to think about my body is still giving up, I want it, I want to finish but when my body is beginning to force that feeling away and I need to push harder to get off to finally finish so I can be done with it and get on with my life I feel awful.

It is ok if you experience this. It is ok if you need to stop. It’s ok that your body is stopping. It’s ok that no matter how much you want it your body simply won’t let you. That is ok. It will always be ok. No matter what anyone says it’s ok. If no one if validating you, let me. If that’s what you need that’s what I’m here for. Because I didn’t know what I was experiencing were the symptoms of ED until now, and it would’ve helped me through so much if I knew sooner. But I know now. And now I’m going to bring awareness to this.

If anyone has anything to add to this, please do, if you want to share your experiences and thoughts that’s also very helpful, bringing any sort of awareness to how different bodies can experience sexual feelings is important.

Remember! You are all amazing, perfect, worthy beings and I’m proud of you, even if I am some random person on the internet. I’m proud of you.

Use protection if you can, if you feel tingling or pain even with the right prepping, try a non silicone based lube or condoms, because it’s not normal to still feel pain even if it’s a little bit after all the correct steps. Make sure you don’t have your joints out of place for too long if you’re hyper mobile, drink plenty of water, eat food after sex even if’s a little bit, go pee, or you will get a UTI. That’s why you feel the need to pee after sex or sexual stimulation. Be safe. Be kind. If your partner says they’re experiencing anything I’ve mentioned in this post, stop. Tell them they are still amazing and assure them they are loved and cared about. If it’s a hookup situation, and they experience this depending on how close you are I still recommend comforting them, even a little bit, even if it’s a hug.

I hope everyone’s doing well, my asks are open for anything sex education related if needed :]