#(they often get it thankfully!)
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ladies, I need to wander despondently across a foggy moor asap
#*this also applies to the not-ladies among us#y'all deserve a good pensive ramble across a moor in a really cool greatcoat#just be sure you don't turn it into anything vigorous#this is not the time to be Aragorn we are looking for Jonathan Harker pre-Dracula at best#in regards to the moor: a wind-swept cliffside would also be suffice#it would NOT do wonders for my health of course but hey#fortunately the bestie and I have plans to go hiking next weekend and if we don't have another option I'm gonna beg for the hemlock trail#I'd also take the cedar springs#I just need Nature that isn't the beach#in other news I am happy to report that the week is smoothing itself out somewhat#we're all still on edge but it's not as bad as it was and we've effectively kicked loose the pebble in the the shoe#my darling sister sent me a gift and told me to treat myself so I may get bubble tea after work#and I begged for tomorrow off so I can sleep and then spend the day coughing in peace#(this is such a bizarre cold. I didn't get any of the preliminaries outside of some sneezing)#(and then it was straight to my chest. not even a sore throat first! usually I get a lot of build up and can often get ahead of a bad cough#(thankfully my nose is not congested. I suppose that's the trade-off)#so I'll sleep in and then I may sort some of the filing I'm taking home from the office#by then I'll likely have completely lost my voice#AND I have ingredients for chili because for once I planned ahead. might even make some of my favorite rolls as well.#and then next week...I start a second job#(super simple and it's 2 hours max every evening. once I figure it out it could be an hour tops unless I decide to take it slow)#(the pay is great for the job and it'll give me something to do instead of just...I dunno...reading through the winter I suppose)#(sorry my head is in such a fog I don't know how I'm surviving work)#mine#greatest hits
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can’t catch a 8r8k
closeups under the cut
#cw: gore#my art#homestuck#fanart#vriska serket#doc scratch#aradia megido#tavros nitram#sollux captor#terezi pyrope#heavypaint#digital art#oooooogh i’m so HAPPY with this one#i had this idea immediately after watching [s] make her pay#and it came out exactly how i wanted it to#like#i think this is the first time in about a year or so i’ve put in This Much Effort into Anything#so i feel very proud :>#heavypaint has a glitch where every so often it’ll crash and then a bit of my painting gets bluer#which was frustrating#thankfully i was able to slap a red airbrush on soft light over the real cyan bits and it worked out fine#i love you heavypaint i loathe you heavypaint#i LOVE talking
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*gently opens the door, then kicks it the rest of the way open as dramatically as possible*
Mario normally being fully verbal but going nonverbal when his PTSD flares up so part of the reason he struggles to tell his loved ones when he’s struggling is because he physically *can’t* and this is a new development and he’s embarrassed so he just. Hides until it’s over and then pretends it never happened because he’s fucking terrible at balancing his pride and his coping mechanisms
This is now canon to my ‘verse.
#not quite back yet! but I had to write that down lest I forget it#I tend to go nonverbal when deeply upset so it’s based on a true story#being in retail means I’ve had to teach myself to force past it and keep talking anyway but it’s still challenging#(thankfully since moving from retail to tourism it doesn’t happen nearly as often and I can get space when I’m upset!)#before that if something triggered a nonverbal spell then I couldn’t talk for anywhere from several minutes to a couple of days#actually I still have a lot of moments where I go nonverbal and I’m just now coming to terms with that#because while I usually CAN still talk it’s extremely uncomfortable and draining#ALL THAT TO SAY#I am once again projecting onto my boy 😌#peaches has opinions
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I have no clue if tumblr ate the ask or not (if it didn’t, I apologize for the double posting) BUT
BUT
Im glad to see so much art of Robbie getting so many friends who roughhouse with him, especially after the Robbie lore dump (possibly by coincidence? Since it wasn’t here) because he deserves friends who can handle and even match his energy :)))
YEAHHH IM GLAD TOO!! specially for a lonely guy like him,, he’s dumb and sometimes even criminal in what he does, but my golly he’s a really excited and happy guy,,,,,
#He never really gets along with “adulting adults”#Too serious- talks too much about stuff like t a x e s nstuff- Like whos that? Don’t know them smhh#He always reaches the excitement of others who can reach his- in which he’s just a playful lil guy…#No matter the age or size- if ya wanna get random plants and mud and (pretend) cook with it- he would join in a heartbeat-#I probably should share more lore stuff more often here lmAO the stuff I talk about sometimes there isn’t even close to sus#Just lil guy doin lil guy things… (like c r i m e s)#BUT YEAHHH HE IS GETTING SO MANY FRIENDDDDSSS!!#So many friends for the littlest of guys- pretty soon he will start to lose count of how many!#Horrible thing to happened but inevitable for a bug with adhd-#Also you’re good! I think tumblr munched on it but thankfully I got it this time! HUZZAH!!!
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I enjoy shipping, but I cannot see the appeal in watching shows only for the purpose of shipping; I think it closes you off to so much. I think coming into a work with the expectation that it will only succeed if a particular configuration of people end up happily in a relationship with each other when the curtain closes means you will reject so many unexpected choices altogether. It destroys your ability to appreciate the entire concept of tragedy. Just, imagine refusing to let yourself enjoy "I'm not a gardener" because you are too furious that a different kiss than the one you wanted happened to feel other emotions.
#does shipping above all make you less empathetic: I deadass think it does: an ongoing investigation by m utilitycaster#this alludes to candela bc i'm still thinking about how good that line is and how (thankfully only a couple) people ignored it#bc they were so mad that the horror show was a tragedy and that marion kissed jean instead#i suspect though that this is behind the viciousness of the c2 ships. people genuinely used the word betrayal for a thing never promised#and some of the extremely mean-spirited nature of some c3 shipping; even among ships where i see the appeal#like i am not against shipping. i like shipping. but if you define I Get My Ship as success you will be miserable and bitter so often#and i think this ALSO is why like. 19 year olds will act like they are a veteran of years of queerbaiting.#when in fact they're a veteran of watching shows bc they saw one (1) out of context gifset and thought that was a guarantee#anyway i've cracked it follow for more analysis of the nature of fandom and how it should probably be like car rentals#fandom old? no. fandom young. go get some life experience and perspective first. the trekkie housewives never missed.
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>encrypted communication incoming
>decrypting message...
Mirrorsmoke Mercenary Company.
This is st-g2-084. I am contacting you to request an escort out of the Mergi III system, as well as refuge among your fleet. I shall offer both payment in front, as well as my services to your company for as long as you deem necessary.
To be frank, this mission might put you at risk of opposing Smith-Shimano Corpro, although I have done all in my power to avoid such a situation. I only ask eventual protection in case my preparations were insufficient.
I understand my request is not rich in details, however rest assured I shall expand on everything that led to my message once I am safe aboard one of your ships.
You will find my exact coordinates as well as a rough description of local corporate presence attached to this communication.
I await your response with hope.
[Killjoy]
Your message has been received, Killjoy. Help is on the way.
I got in touch with Command; they've dispatched squadron MSMC-835 "Rogue Syndicate" to your supplied coordinates, along with an allied transport ship. This particular squadron has a lot of experience dealing with hostile SSC elements, so they should be more than qualified to get you out. (One of their pilots used to be a model for SCC prior to joining us, actually - callsign Mannequin, if memory serves. Pilots a Pegasus now; real cool gal.)
Ask for me once your escort makes it back here; I'll get you set up with Recruitment to get started on your paperwork. (They'll probably call in a few folks from Legal, too, as it sounds like you'll have some outstanding connections to SSC that need terminating.)
MSMC is no stranger to getting people out of tight situations in regards to the Big 4; in fact, the current IPS-N intern has an outstanding offer of sanctuary with us in case things go south for them and UNCLE. You'll fit right in here - we've got a LOT of ex-corpo folks on staff. (Hell, both of my squadmates are former Big 4 members - I'm technically the odd one out here!)
And hey, feel free to stick around however long you need to. If you need to go back, we can arrange that - or, if you end up deciding that you'd rather leave SSC behind for good, I can hook you up with the requisite paperwork to make that happen. Either way, you're safe with us. Legal wouldn't dare let SSC lay a finger on you (and neither would any of our mercs, for that matter).
Hang in there, Killjoy. Help is on the way.
-- Angel
#lancer rpg#lancer ttrpg#lancerrpg#// not often MSMC gets distress calls these days - usually it's the Albatross who get called for that#// we're more than happy to answer the call though - we have that civic legalization service for a reason!#// thankfully neither of the known SSC corporate blogs are active otherwise what I'm about to say might get me flagged for defamation#// *ahem* SSC CAN SUCK MY NONEXISTENT [AUTO-CENSORED BY PILOTNET]#// just because I bought a Dusk Wing license doesn't mean I have any sort of loyalty to those eugenicist fucks#// if any of those pompous pricks saw the amount of HORUS and HRA tech I've got stuffed in there they'd hurl#correspondences with: Killjoy
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I thought it was a general rule that you don’t put character hate in the character tag because…people looking for that tag…are there to enjoy them not hate them….especially if your hate is just the vaguest one sentence you could possibly type lmao
#like#cool#your tag isn’t getting you anyone to agree with you#it’ll get you people to disagree with tho#rambles#thankfully doesn’t happen often but with these two random posts the last couple days#like who are you#why are you even here
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so it turns out the reason we’ve been having problems with our drains since we moved in is because someone fixed a broken pipe with cut up buckets, which is a… fascinating choice
#telly static#It wasn’t even well done btw a bunch of clay got in which is why it keeps getting clogged so often#They literally just cut a bucket or two and stuck it there and covered it and said yeah that’ll do the job just fine#But it’s being fixed thank fuck but no kitchen sink for tonight which means no cleaning dishes#Thankfully I did those yesterday so I’m not in dire need or anything
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Me: I think I can finally relax and not rush to get diamonds. But I should probably start saving up for Alfons's route.
*remembers Liam's birthday is almost here*
Oh shi-!
#I don’t know how I forgot but shit it means I can't relax I gotta kick my ass into high gear again#AHHHHH#and the worst part is as much as I want to get as much diamonds as possible#my last phone died and got stuck in reboot after downloading and playing a game through tapjoy#could be coincidence but I am still very cautious with downloading a lot of games now#thankfully I got bluestacks on my pc so I could just play those games on pc but I'm not on pc as often#also tip for tapjoy. play the games that give you diamonds per level. they're more reliable#god do I love these boys. but boy do I have no money#ikevil#ikemen villains#ikevil liam#liam evans#ikevil alfons
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I arrived almost 12 hours ago, I've had two stupidly filling typical French meals, I've done too many loads of laundry than I'd like to admit because dryer, I've been spoiled with and am spoiling myself with coffee, my stress is diminishing, I got to read some great meta, and I'm chilling with Mara (who has numerous sleeping spots involving fuzzy blankets in this temporary repose, one of which being the fluffiest nest ever) while listening to and jamming out to Hugh Laurie leading the show in my ear. In other words, while yesterday was a time, I'm having a pretty darn nice time right now, because even if my back aches, my wrists are happier. Let's see if I can get any writing done on these 4/(5?) hours of sleep I've gotten in the last 48 hours, cause I'm pretty hype.
#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ i miss using rdj; he used to be my ooc vibe/mood and it still rings true on some level. ]#[ but using the man still now on a kafka blog is odd; but then again-- y'know. ]#[ any way i also realize i make this seem as if i traveled 8 hours or something. i didn't-- i moved 10 mins away or so. /but/. ]#[ i lived in an apartment building where i had to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my apartment. and i don't have magnificent lungs. ]#[ so it was always a time. so the move today was /very/ tiring because of how often we had to go up and down those damn things. ]#[ is an elevator a necessity if i'm higher than the like 2nd or 3rd floor? yes. thankfully most have them. ]#[ god. the 'relocation' has actually done miracles for my headspace already. even if i have so much to do ahead of me. ]#[ but i decided i get a few days of repose. so here we go. let's see how long my eyes stay awake for. ]
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The Big Picture
The second season of Our Flag Means Death takes a unique approach to the trope of separating romantic couples, exploring the emotional ramifications instead of resolving it quickly.
Season 2 delves into the heartbreaking consequences of the split between Stede and Ed, showcasing Stede's pure affection and Ed's descent into self-destruction and violence.
While their reunion is a melodramatic and intimate affair, the emotional reconciliation between Stede and Ed will likely unfold over time due to the aftermath they have both experienced. The show's strength lies in its intentional pacing and character development.
Tropes are tropes for a reason: when done with clever forethought, they're a comforting delight. As with anything recycled a hundred times over, however, there are the Bad Tropes; the "please, beloved media, don't fall into that lazy writing trap." One of these Bad Tropes surrounds break-ups. When a series separates its main romantic couple, the split tends to lack lasting consequences or finds itself resolved altogether too quickly. Exploring the emotional ramifications for each character, let alone those on the periphery, takes a backseat in favor of restoring things to the status quo. It shouldn't be a surprise to fans of Our Flag Means Death that Season 2's first three episodes didn't take the expected route. Nevertheless, the relief that the first season's intelligent writing didn't vanish overnight burns as bright as the fictional pain that cuts like a knife.
David Jenkins' period pirate rom-com could've easily, immediately reunited the unlikely star-crossed lovers Stede Bonnet (Rhys Darby) and Edward Teach/Blackbeard (Taika Waititi) or smoothed over their climatic separation. Season 2 does neither, avoiding that temptation. It forces its own storytelling to earn their reunion in a way as slow burn as the romance's development. For a series already acknowledged for its insightful writing, that's the smartest move David Jenkins could've made.
‘Our Flag Means Death’ Season 2 Earns Its Darkness
Season 1 of Our Flag Means Death was aggressively revolutionary in its quiet normalization. It shattered Western television's long-established history of queerbaiting (teasing an LGBTQIA+ relationship for attention but never confirming it) just by existing. Our Flag Means Death's romance between Stede Bonnet and Ed Teach wasn't just unambiguous, it was a tender takedown of toxic masculinity, an intimate exploration of male vulnerability, and a story of two opposites stumbling into their perfect compliment. By seeing beyond the other's unconventional exterior and expressing tenderness, Stede and Ed become one another's safe space: their lighthouse in the dark, if you will.
Then the Season 1 finale ate fans' dreams for (temporary) breakfast. Shattering a happy couple usually means drama for drama's sake; said decisions aren't concerned with character growth or arc resolution. Not only are those the express purposes behind Stede and Ed's split, Our Flag Means Death Season 2 forces us to witness all the bloody misery, psychologically vivisecting both characters. The differences in each man's perspectives have never been more heartbreaking than charming; now it's the reverse. The pure simplicity of Stede's affection is just that: pure. He writes Ed love letters. He dreams about being a traditional pirate who exacts violent revenge before running into Ed's arms along a sunset beach. He's a man reveling in his first love, and he's gloriously smitten while also painfully yearning in his loneliness and regret. Even surrounded by members of his crew, without Ed nearby, Stede's skin doesn't quite fit his exuberant body. It's the same revolutionary gentleness Our Flag Means Death displayed in the crafting of their romance.
Then there's Ed. Even with the series' reliable banter and rom-com undertones still in play, it's difficult to watch his parade of slaughter without flinching. He labels himself the devil and is, at certain times, worthy of the moniker. Ed hasn't merely re-embraced his Blackbeard persona through his homicidal actions, he's spiraled into suicidal self-destruction. There's no goal except torment, no outlet save violence. He sprays innocent blood at weddings. He maims his crew via torture and courts their retaliation. And it heals nothing; he lies despondent on the floor clinging to a wedding token that reminds him of Stede. Ed's brutal unpredictability is both disturbing and heartbreaking, especially since he's relieved when the crew of the Revenge mutinies and nearly kills him. Our Flag Means Death never holds back on where the heartbreak of shattered vulnerability might tip a traumatized murderer, both holding Ed accountable and empathizing. This triplicate of episodes marks the best acting of Taika Waititi's career for balancing all the scripts' demands, especially with their unhurried detail. Everything could have been resolved in the first episode, but that would've betrayed all that Season 1 carefully developed.
‘Our Flag Means Death’s Love Story Has Always Been Vulnerable
Underneath the quirky pirate shenanigans, Our Flag Means Death deconstructs childhood trauma: the ricochet effects on individuals' lives and how courageous and healing it is to give and receive emotional vulnerability. Ed views himself as a monster, and this inherent belief in his unlovable irredeemablity, seemingly confirmed by Stede's abandonment, manifests outward into trying to burn down the world. He and Steed were both lost souls, but Ed's outcast state took the too-relatable form of self-hatred. When he decides to live in Episode 3 after actively imagining all the ways he could die, it's a sentiment in line with Season 1's themes as everything else. The moment's earned, and means something, precisely because Our Flag Means Death took its time getting there.
Meanwhile, Stede the daydreamer is left to reckon with Ed's actions. He tries to reason them away; he's never seen Ed reduced to his darkest base impulses-slash-coping mechanisms, so Stede's beloved is just "blowing off steam," surely. It's Lucius (Nathan Foad), the man who survived Ed's murder attempt, who forces Steed to look directly at "the man he loves" in all his shades: beheadings, arson, senseless parades of violence. (When freaking Izzy Hands wants to protect the crew from further "suffering," you had better start paying attention.) Only acknowledging Ed's better side is the same romanticization Stede applied to the entire idea of gentleman piracy. Much like the audience, Stede now has no choice but to either accept Ed or truly reject him and acknowledge his own unintentional culpability. Then, Stede's the only person who refuses to write Ed off as a lost cause. He's seen the terrified, tender man behind the kraken. And this reckoning wouldn't have happened, or would've occurred under less satisfying and revelatory circumstances, if Stede hadn't dashed back home.
Stede and Ed’s Reunion in ‘Our Flag Means Death’ Season 2 Won’t Be Easy, but It Will Be Worth It
Our Flag Means Death keeping Stede and Ed apart for three episodes of reflection also makes their inevitable reunion more effective. One of the things the series does best stays intact: Jenkins both embraces his rom-com inspirations — Stede leaping into the ocean, professing his love over a dying Ed, and a symbolic rescue involving a merman tail set to a Kate Bush needle drop — and twists them onto their heads. There's no instant catharsis, as Stede finds the Revenge a tomb of hate. But he still saves his crew, and he still saves Ed. This Stede Bonnet is assured and decisive, a far cry from the man we met in the pilot. He knows what he wants, which isn't wasting his wealth on the high seas but being with the man he adores more than any treasure. It's only fitting that their reunion is a melodramatic, silly, and achingly intimate affair on both sides. Neither character would know themselves as well or reached an emotional breaking point to rebuild from without having spent time apart.
Having said that, although Stede and Ed are physically reunited, Season 2 has sat in the horrible aftermath for too long for the emotional reconciliation to be instantaneous. This is Season 1's reverse slow-burn echo. Even if the pair "talk it through as a crew," the raw encounter will likely unfold over time. There's too much behind them to rush into the future. Everything in Our Flag Means Death is building toward an intentional conclusion. Its best strengths, namely building character through pacing, are already soaring as high as a raised ship flag.
New episodes of Our Flag Means Death Season 2 premiere Thursdays on Max.
#our flag means death season 2#ofmd s2#ofmd s2 spoilers#spoiler#our flag means death#ofmd#beautifully written article by someone who absolutely GETS it!!!#article#review#collider#(they often get it thankfully!)
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if you could... describe aftg in 5 words
oh this is not as easy a question to answer as it should be akfhsdkf bc like. i could describe its plot, or my thoughts on it as a fan, or how it makes me feel, or just make a joke, or or or and bc idk why you're asking it makes it harder :'))
but let's see...
plot: gay sports mafia found family.
fan: drama, familiarity, trauma, comedy, home
feelings: love, understanding, chaos, joy, comfort
joke: you know, i get it-
(as you can see, i couldn't pick which one to go with, so choose whichever 5 words you want lmao)
#anyway the hard part is cus like. if you're already a fan then you KNOW it's plot#and i would go with either feelings or joke probably#if you aren't a fan you won't understand joke and maybe want the plot to see if you'd want to read it#in which case getting my feelings or thoughts on it could also help you decide#especially bc 'gay sports mafia' is something it has been described as OFTEN#and thus you wouldn't necessarily need ME to tell you that#anywya#i spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME thinking about this so ya know. i do hope you see this kshdfhsd#i know how it can be sending anon asks#especially if you don't follow the person you sent it to like MAN rememebring to check in and then scrolling the blog to find it????#so sorry i never shut up here#anyway if you ARE someone who hasn't read it yet and are interested; please feel free to reach out to me with any questions!!!#aftg contains a lot of potentially triggering material so it's good to have some understanding of what you're walking into!#(i did not but thankfully i'm not easily triggered by most things lmao but it still is nice to have that warning)#aftg#askers#anon#shh ac#also if you HAVE read it please appreciate my joke. i think im very funny.
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I need to talk about the skill it takes for a writer to do that thing where they're describing something unfamiliar to the POV character while we the readers get to sit there in slowly dawning horror as we realize we 1) know what that thing is and 2) know how bad it is. it's not something you get in visual media but, if done well, it can be just as horrifying as realizing "the call is coming from inside the house".
#yes I realize that's like the worst example of horror movie tropes I know#but I'm drawing a blank#should be noted I don't often get the thrill of reading this sort of writing because...well I'm a wimp#I dislike thrillers and horror in general#the closest I get is the odd post-apoc fiction (which is what I'm reading today that brought this up)#the POV character is a kid who until the story starts has never ventured far beyond his home#he knows a lot of stuff about The Old World from books but he doesn't know what most of that stuff LOOKS like#which leads to moments where I'm squinting and trying to figure out what he's looking at#(thankfully so far this hasn't resulted in any truly horrific reveals but I have a feeling it's only a matter of time)#the unreliable narrator angle pairs REALLY well with this too#especially when they control what you see and know#but it takes skill to keep it from feeling like a cheat#(see: Jeff VanderMeer. maybe one day I'll be brave enough to finish the Southern Reach trilogy. maybe.)
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.
#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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