#(one of few screenshots I could find where she looked relatively normal)

[fandomlife-confessions]

[fishymom-art]

Bendy and the Dark Revival: Trailer Review

 Attention! This post contains spoilers for the new trailer of the game Bendy and the Dark Revival!

If you haven’t watched the trailer, do it first and then come back to read! I also advise you to check out the stream over on @halfusek​ ‘s YouTube channel, where we reacted to the trailer and discussed it too, but you can do it after you finish reading :))

LET’S START, SHALL WE!

Let’s begin with a huge WHAT THE HELL????? There is so much in this trailer and so many details! I rewatched it a few times already and noticed something new every time! So we have a looooot to unpack.

I will discuss the trailer and theorise about what might happen and what could some things mean. I will be more than happy to hear your own theories based on the trailer! I’ll make a separate hashtag for it, so I don’t lose all of it :). Maybe when the game comes out, we could go through some of those theories again and see, if we did guess something right.

Also sorry in advance if my screenshots aren’t very high quality, I’m working with what I have here, and what I have isn’t always good XD

Onto the trailer!

It starts with a short cutscene of Audrey at her drawing desk. A detail I noticed while making the screenshots, is that it seems to be dark outside and she’s either completely alone at the studio, or there aren’t that many people around for the purpose of making the player concentrate only on the main character, hahaha. 

We also have a screenshot from the Bendy Store website showing more of her workplace. Well would you look at that! She has Henry’s picture hanging on her wall :))

(look at her. She’s so pretty with her cute cheeks and uh... Yellow-ish eyes, for some unknown reason)

I’m pretty sure this is how the game starts. And since we were told that the game is separated into chapters again, I assume that in the first chapter we will explore the layout of the place she works in more and play as the normal Audrey, before she gets covered in ink and shit hits the fan. I’ll stick with the theory that Audrey works for Nathan Arch and not in Joey’s Studio, because this place looks VERY different from what we’re used to.

I also assumed that she might be a replacement for Henry when he left, mainly because of his drawing on her wall. But it might also indicate that she’s either his relative or that little girl asking Joey to tell more stories at the end of the first game... hm. But it looks like the game finds itself a few years later after the events of the first game. Like, for example, we were shown that Audrey drew with colours, which means it’s the era of coloured animation. The first full-color animated film was released in 1930s and became frequent by 50s and her hairstyle and clothes seem to line up. MY PROBLEM IS THAT JDS WAS ESTABLISHED IN 1929 AND OPERATED FOR 30 YEARS. SO EITHER THE DEVELOPMENT OF CARTOON INDUSTRY IN THE BENDY UNIVERSE IS VERY SLOW, OR THEY ALL DECIDED TO STICK WITH THE OLD FASHIONED “DRAWING ONE MOVEMENT FOR 10 HOURS BY HAND ON PAPER WITHOUT ANY COLOR” TECHNIQUE FOR MUCH LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD’VE, BECAUSE THE CARTOONS WERE IN COLOR ALREADY LIKE 10 YEARS AFTER THE STUDIO WAS ESTABLISHED. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?????

khem. Anyway.

When the shot with the corridor appears, we hear a loud noise and Audrey saying “What was that?”. It sounds like something opened or turned on in the building. It doesn’t show what that was or what happened, but I guess she went to check it out, because it’s totally safe and a good idea to go towards scary loud noises [thumbs up]. 

We’re cut straight to a new character, who is probably either the main antagonist or one of the main antagonists alongside other characters that we’re more familiar with (Alice, Ink Demon, etc.).

WELCOME THE CREPPY OLD GUY AKA WILSON!

He is greasy, he is ugly, he looks like someone made a human version of Carver from Showdown Bandit that looks too much like Singed from Arcane. It seems like this is the Unknown guy that was talking to us in the Gameplay Trailer. I really hoped that it’ll be Nathan, but this dried out fig will do too. 

Before I talk a little more about the zombification of Peter Capaldi, let’s look at this screenshot a little more. Behind him is something that looks like a mini version of the Ink Machine. It might be the thing that turned Audrey into the inky mess she’ll be for the rest of the game. But there are also some kind of posters about what seems to be... a movie? About Joey Drew? It’s called “Joey Drew: The Man and the Demon”, and is produced by the Arch Gate Pictures (HOORAY! MY ASSHOLE OF A BOY IS CANON IN THE GAME, HALLELUJAH!). Since the location we’re in still looks like the place we’re started off in, it supports my theory that Audrey works for Nathan. 

Back to the human cotton swab aka Wilson. Since he refers to our main girl by her first name, it seems like he knows Audrey or was at least told about her.

After his appearance there are a couple of shots showing Audrey transforming into her inky form, so to say. This is what she will look like for the rest of the game. The way they cut to her panicking while turning into an ink creature right after introducing our new baddie, makes me think that Wilson turned her into an ink creature. Maybe he like... poured ink on her or smth?

Now let’s make a little stop here, because while I was writing, the official Bendy Twitter account shared this picture:

First of all, I want to assume that it’s not an only reference we will get. Maybe we will see one for Allison or maybe even our new ugly antagonist, Wilson! Let’s go through it first, shall we?

- They deliberately point out, that Audrey was unwillingly pulled into the cartoon world of Bendy. - She has unique mysterious powers. Something that Henry did not have. Which means I have no clue what she can and cannot do. - And there is a new evil at work in the studio. I’m pretty sure they mean Wilson, because there aren’t any new evil characters who could play a big role in the story, except that male version of Annabelle Doll.

And she’s working those hips, like damn girl, looking sharp!

Anyway, I don’t really have much to say about it yet. I will point out stuff about her design later in the review though!

Anyway, back to the trailer.

Now you can notice those familiar textures and the color scheme. We’re in the Joey Drew Studios, aka now “Bendy’s Cartoon World”, as referred to in Audrey’s bio. I have two options for why we’re suddenly in JDS. It’s either:

- Hidden under the Arch Gate Facility like the Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzaplace under the Pizzaplex in Security Breach or - Audrey’s tripping balls and sees everything like that because of her new shiny lightbulbs that replaced her eyes.

Both theories are standing on legs made out of cheap dry plasticine and have almost no points that could’ve supported them (except Wilson actually being supposedly present in the studio at all times), but oh well! Let’s put THAT nonsense aside and look at some new shiny shots of the JDS! Oh, wait, we’ll look at a crucified Lost One first.

It looks like this guy went through some... extreme bullcrap. But oh wait! Is that- Is that what I think it is?! The new weapon that I keep referring to as the Gold Blitz?!... are we going to just... rip it out of this guy?... Oof.

By the way, from now on, I will always refer to this mechanism as the Gold Blitz, because I’m used to it and I can’t really tell what it’s supposed to be in general. So until we get a clear explanation on what it is and what it’s called, you’ll have to deal with my creative choices.

Other than the obvious rehearsal of some biblical events, we have “Demon Follower” written on the wall next to the Lost One. I assume that being a Demon (pretty sure they mean Bendy) Follower here is strictly prohibited and... very creatively punished. Which is a pretty drastic difference from the first game, where the Lost Ones and Sammy were more known as Ink Demon’s followers. But the Ink Demon and support towards him being vilified is a pretty big deal here. During some other shots, we hear a monologue from no other than a less sexy Morty from Hello Puppets Wilson:

(I couldn’t understand some of the words he said, but the overall meaning is clear, I think) “[...] Children of the Machine. For 211 days you’ve lived without the Ink Demon haunting your [?]. I banished him away. In return, I ask just a little favour. There is a stranger. Bring her to me!” (I’ll come back to that last part later)

After some very VERY beautiful shots of the locations that I’ll show shortly after this, we have those posters, saying “Relax, Wilson Knows Your Purpose”. Wilson here is called “The Man Who Killed The Ink Demon”.

Now here’s a little spelling game! Can you spell “PROPAGANDA���? If you need a hint, I can give you a sentence where this word can be used: “This is a clear case of propaganda and manipulation that shows Wilson as the true hero and saviour, who supposedly got rid of the Ink Demon and freed everyone!”

Now, I can’t really say that the Ink Demon is good, because he clearly isn’t. But Wilson is lying, because we do get to see Ink Demon later in the trailer and we have others talking about him. Did this walking example of what lung cancer does to a person brainwashed the Lost Ones into thinking they are safe? It portrays him as a great leader who can easily manipulate other people into believing him, because “Oh, he saved us from this big threat we experienced! We owe him!”.

I think those are some obvious things and a pretty good introduction to a completely new character. I’ll be very surprised if I was wrong with my theory on who he is and what his motives are XD.

NOW LET’S LOOK AT THOSE PRETTY SHOTS OF THE STUDIO I TALKED ABOUT BEFORE!

Look at those details that aren’t distinguishable because of the poor quality of my screenshots!

Okay, jokes aside, it does look extremely pretty. I don’t really have anything else to say about this shot. It’s just. It’s just so much better. Here, have a screenshot of the same location in the first game. DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?

Although we’ve been waiting for a long LONG time, I am still glad that they took their time with the game. It has so much more to itself and the new design, graphics and overall look make the wait worth it. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of this game when it comes out.

And here’s the other shot! There are... so many details. Clearly this is a cafeteria/canteen or something like that. Honestly looks even like a bar to me, which doesn’t really fit the fact that it’s a fricking studio, but there are many other things that make you question the definition of the word “studio” in this game, so we’ll look over it for now.

I can’t really recognise anything special here except maybe those 3 signs that look like licence plates.

One of them has 414 written on it, because of course it does. I dunno why it has 210 first, I didn’t find anything. The other says “OUTATIME” and the third is “SLW-287R”. Those reference the license plate of the DeLorean Time Machine from “Back to the Future” and Mr. Bean’s car. Nothing else, really, haha.

Of course we also have our beloved Little Miracle station standing in the background, as well as something called Dream Supply and Tasty Eats. I have little to no clue what those are, actually. I’m still confused why is a locker called Miracle Station. But I learned to never question the design choices the developers make, so we’ll just move on.

We also get a quick look at the Art Department or at least something that looks like it, as well as GOLD BLITZ WOOHOO!!! I still have NO idea what this thing is for.

But what I do know, is that we can CHARGE this bad boy! Yes, you heard me! Whatever this abomination of a MacGuffin is, it requires (and presumably emits) electricity. Watch Audrey put this baby in an oversized battery port!

And we actually see that being confirmed in this screenshot. Those lights on the device indicate that it runs on some power and has limited usage. I guess we’ll have to charge it from time to time... I just hope it lasts longer than Glamrock Freddy... also it kinda looks like she made it herself, because it just looks like a pipe with a battery slapped on it ahaha

ALSO LOOK AT MY BOY CHARLIE!!! HE LOOKS SO COOL!

But we actually have something else appear before Audrey gets to show off her new toy!

BOOM! THIS GUY! 

He appeared in one of the trailers for a brief moment already. I assume he’ll be an annoying kind of enemy like the Butcher Gang. I have no idea what to call this son of a gun, so I’ll just refer to him as the Ink Brute if I’ll have to talk about him again. But honestly, he’s my son and I lowkey love him. Just look at him go! Even my boy’s better than the vacuum in a skin costume that calls itself Wilson.

But why would I talk about him separately? Because one of the thing that I love the most about this trailer is the unique designs of different new characters that we will be able to interact with! They are so cool! They are alive! They are PEOPLE!

LOOK AT THIS GUY! HE’S SO FUNKY! HE’S SO COOL! ROCKING HIS GOGGLES LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW (which is probably accurate, because time isn’t a concept the studio decided on following).

OR THIS MAPBOT FROM SECURITY BREACH  DOLL!

Both of them even have their own voices and here’s something the doll girl says

Doll: “Almost everyone here either can’t speak or they’re completely mad.”

Considering that there are differences when it comes to living cartoons, it kinda makes sense. Perfect cartoons, like Boris, cannot speak, for example. And Alice, who was proven to be an imperfect version of her cartoon self, is uh... unwell, to say the least. It doesn’t really apply to the Lost Ones, as well as this Doll. They do speak, but don’t appear to be irrational, at least from what I’ve seen. The only mad characters in the trailer are the Butcher Gang, who are rabid from the get-go, Alice, who’s literally portrayed with a legit GUN later in the video, and the illegitimate son of William Afton and Bill Cipher aka Wilson.

Talking about the characters we already know and love (not counting Wilson). Allison is here, looking SHARP!

There is a short dialogue going on between Audrey and Allison. I assume it’s the first time they meet.

Allison: “I’m not gonna hurt you. Looks like you need some help” 

Audrey: [pulls her hand away as soon as Allison touches it] “Don’t touch me!”

I wanted to add, that Audrey doesn’t say “Don’t touch me!” in a scared voice. More like warning Allison, that it’s not safe to touch her. Although maybe it’s just me looking too much into voice acting hahah. I guess Allison here helps Audrey to adapt around the studio. She takes her hand and points out that our girl needs help just by looking at it. Maybe she realised that Audrey is new to all of this. But she could also be pointing it out because of this distinctive feature of hers:

I’m actually surprised they didn’t really say anything about her arm and I didn’t even think about it until I watched the trailer again. I don’t really have anything else to say though. I hope Allison will answer this question, because it looks like she knows what that could mean. At least I hope she does, because if she doesn’t, we’ll have to interview the old melted wax figure that is Wilson. Or like... ask Alice, or smth. She did pick up a hobby of going through cartoons’ guts, she might know a thing or two- [gets shot with a tommy gun]

Well, anyway, let’s see, what else we have in that trailer. Except the canteen and some random rooms, we get a hallway!

What’s interesting is that it has an almost identical layout as the hallway I showed in the beginning, but it might just be me looking at the floor tiles and thinking I connected the dots, when in reality I didn’t connect shit. But it does work with that “Audrey’s tripping balls” theory I talked about earlier. Although I am leaning more towards the Security Breach comparison at the moment.

And then we have something interesting, which is just a shadow, but it belongs to my boy, my love, my beautiful bean, my favourite creature Nature created while she was drunk on bacon soup. THE INK DEMON!

There is a short dialogue between Allison and Audrey when he appears.

Allison: “Above everything else, stay away from the Ink Demon.” Audrey: “What’s an Ink Demon?” Allison: “He likes to smile. And he kills anything that moves.”

We already heard the last sentence in a different trailer out of context, but now we know that it’s Allison explaining Audrey who the Ink Demon is. Which makes me think that we won’t see our favourite boy for a while. At least not until Allison and Audrey meet.

Bendy also seems to be a little upgraded. His horns are bigger and the head isn’t as smooth and round. And if you look closely when the shadow rises, you can see that he has some kind of spikes on his back. He did have something similar in his old model, but it was more subtle, while the new model seems to be more detailed and “exaggerated”, so to say. Also it seems like he’s not a twink anymore - [gets shot again]

After that we get a better look at Audrey’s model and may I say, she looks pretty badass. Slay, queen! SLAY YOUR ENEMIES! SLAY THE DEMON!

I honestly really enjoy her design. And am... kind of confused why everything around her as well as she herself change their color. Guess it has something to do with the whole “Bendy’s Cartoon World” thing? I never really think about it usually, but the people in the studio don’t really... have that many normal human features. Like, their skin color is orange/brown-ish and all the clothes grey and black (maybe a little white here and there + golden stuff like Audrey’s eyes). It seemed like a design choice in the first game, but now that we were shown a different place that is more colourful and we know that Audrey’s skin and clothes don’t actually look like that in the beginning, it gets a little confusing.

I don’t really know what else to say. A part of me suggests that maybe it means that she’s dead, but that Joker with no make up on (Wilson) is also there and I’m pretty confident that he is alive. Plus, there’s no indication that it might be a purgatory of some sort or that there’s no way out. Even the description of the game that we get on the official Bendy Store website states, that our mission is to leave the studio. Although considering the ending of the first game, that wants us to think that Henry might be dead, it’s a question that will stay open for quite a while. As far as I’m concerned, we might never get a clear answer to what the hell this studio is. I know those Indi developers. They never give a clear answer to the biggest questions, especially BatIM.  So I guess we could theorise about it without ever being sure X). Let’s just move on, we could talk about it the whole day.

Btw, the sign behind Audrey says “Unsafe Area” and asks for the workers’ ID cards. 

There was another location that requires an ID card to enter with the subtitle “Be Drawn to Fear.”

I guess all the locations reserved for Gent workers may require an Identification to enter... LET’S STEAL WALLY’S ID!

//I wrote a shit ton of stuff here and it got deleted, so from now on it will be a little rushed, probably//

///It got deleted twice. I am suffering right now///

Welp, let’s talk more locations! Here we have a... uh... [looks through the notes] a city street. Yep. A city street.

At first I thought it was the Lost Ones harbour/town/haven/whatever. But look at it again and you realise that there’s no fucking way it could be that. I TOLD YOU THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD “STUDIO” IN THIS UNIVERSE IS THE MOST CONFUSING SHIT IN THE WORLD. This place has a grocery store, a pharmacy, a residential building EVEN A SUBWAY STATION. IT HAS A GODDAMN SUBWAY STATION????

This place makes my head hurt as much as Tumblr deleting half of this review every time I’m trying to save it as a draft. I have only one explanation that comes to mind and makes the most sense. The locations from the cartoons/comics become real, just like the characters. It’s the most realistic option in my opinion. We did see city backgrounds in comics and cartoons after all (reference Cheap Seats).

Otherwise it makes absolutely no sense and if I’m wrong here, I will lose all my marbles and I don’t have many left. This just adds like... 50 bucks to the “Put a dollar every time the JDS makes no sense” jar.

Let’s move on before I lose my mind. We do have another screenshot that seems to be taken in the same location, but I’ll leave it for later ;)

NOW WE HAVE THIS! 

IN THE VENTS! IN THE VENTS! WE WILL GO INTO THE VENTS ANd I am not going to make an Among Us joke.

NEXT!

OOH, SOME QUICK GRABBERS WE HAVE HERE! And it clearly belongs to our beloved Ink Demon - his left hand has four fingers and a glove.

Although it does seem like he went through much more changes than I thought. Because this looks much better than whatever the hell it used to be:

Fear the ones you bullied in middle school, so to say.

Although he does lack basic level of intelligence if he thinks that he can reach and grab Audrey through that little hole in the wall. Well, at least one thing they didn’t change about him X) /lh

And here’s something... big. I missed it the first time I watched it and I didn’t really look that deep into it. A table a with a writing on the wall behind it saying “She was the FOURTH”.

But then a friend pointed out that it might have something to do with a thing Meatly said once that left all fans go completely badonkers 2 years ago (yes, it’s been 2 years).

This CLEARLY means that Audrey (or some other female character who we haven’t seen before. Although I’m pretty sure it’s about Audrey) is supposed to represent the fourth member of The Butcher Gang. And this is a pretty huge deal. If it IS Audrey, it could explain why that wet old sock of a person aka Wilson wants to find Audrey so bad. Maybe he tried to turn her into that character, but she managed to escape before he could finish his work. And maybe it’s the reason why she has those unique powers that Allison seems to be familiar with - maybe, all cartoons have this feature?

But we still can’t really say who that character is. Clearly they came up with it pretty late. The comic book already came out when he said it and neither that nor the cartoons acknowledge this character or their existence. Which leads me to the only conclusion I’m able to make right now - that fourth member was a thing at FIRST, but then was scraped by the artists and never made it to the screens/in the comics. If I’m wrong again, I’ll just stick with the joke that Edgar’s toy duck is the fourth member and shut my mouth.

Let’s move on then, because I have nothing else to say about this and I’m very tired and have been writing this part for over 3 hours or something like that.

WHY NOT TALK ABOUT ANOTHER MUCH BETTER (sorry XD) FEMALE CHARACTER THAT IS MY BELOVED ALICE ANGEL?! Because guess what!

THEY GAVE HER A GUN! I REPEAT, THEY GAVE ALICE A FUCKING GUN! BENDY ROYALE IS REAL MWAHAHAHHAHAH

But for real now, this moment made my day when I first saw that XD.

Well, for the last, but not least (although pretty much the littlest)...

PERFECT BENDY IS HERE! HE’S CANON AND HE’S BABY! LOOK AT THIS PRECIOUS LITTLE BEAN!

Look at him in his little vest! What an adorable little gentleman!

This is that other screenshot from the city location I mentioned! Which means that Bendy might accompany us in some of the locations. Which I’m all for! IF I GET TO SEE THIS PRECIOUS LITTLE CREATURE MORE THAN ONCE, I WILL BE THE HAPPIEST FISH ALIVE!

Also it makes me think that the Perfect Bendy might actually be Henry. Now, this is a pretty popular theory and I actually agree with it in some parts. For example, that scene in Chapter 5, where Sammy attacks Henry, saying that he betrayed and abandoned him and that he trusted him, etc. He mistakes Henry for Bendy there and it would only make sense if he did so because Henry looks like his Lord. + Our man had ink splashed in his face on multiple occasions throughout the game, it should’ve affected him somehow. And lastly, every living cartoon was a normal person at first, and it doesn’t exclude Bendy over here. And who fits the role more than Henry? (Except maybe Joey, but I highly doubt it) Plus, he does look like he’s been in the studio for quite some time, because of his messy clothes and messed up face. And we all know by now that Henry went through a lot of loopty loops in this studio, he’s seen some shit.

Of course, I haven’t talked about a couple of other things (like that ball with someone’s name), but mainly because I honestly have nothing to say about that. There is so much in this new trailer and I am extremely happy.

November 15th. Less then two weeks left.

I know I said that I won’t be doing anything bendy related anymore. But I also said that this will be a case only if batdr doesn’t awaken anything in me and boy did it awaken a lot. I can’t wait to play this game and watch other people play and theorise about it. I also can’t wait for you guys to send me your comments, ideas and theories about this game and my review, so we can all talk about it a little more.

I do still think that the developers are assholes. They aren’t good people. But it doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy the everloving hell out of this game. Plus, I am the (self-proclaimed) Owner of Bendy and the Ink Machine ;).

In conclusion... I am happy. I truly am. And I can’t wait to see more when the game comes out.

With love,

FishyMom.

[detroit-grand-prix]

Wildest Dreams Chapter 21 - mad woman, part 2

Chapter summary: The unusual 2020 season proceeds on, through Italy, Russia, and Germany. Monza is her favorite place, and Bee wants to get a good result there. Maybe here she can break an unfortunate record that's decades old. But racing in Germany brings up questions about home and identity for her.

Content warning: N/A

Chapter word count: 5,500

Author's Notes: Here is a link to a full-sized version of the image used in this chapter, for mobile. I didn't realize how bad the mobile view compressed it.

I just need to point out that this is where another major deviation from these events in real-time take place. The 2020 Italian GP was actually the Williams' family's final race as far as their involvement with the team goes. I think Dorilton Capital bought them before the 2020 season. But, Claire is still plot-relevant for future things for me, so in this AU, they've pushed that back a year.

I discovered a site that allows you to generate fake twitter screenshots and went a little buckwild with it. A lot of the accounts are just made up, but a few are real and some of my favorite F1 creators. I didn't ask them for permission for the little "cameo", which, maybe I should've but... if any of them have an issue I'll take them out. And I'll link them here!

Live Laugh Lyds - amazing, fun TikTok her, self-appointed president of the Danny Ric fanclub, does fun things like outfits inspired by F1, vlogs, and other fun things

F1Toni - Incredibly informative, talks a lot about the little intracies of F1, some engineering things, history, hows & whys, and is a huge advocate for women and women content creators in the F1 space. Aston Martin also brought her in to talk to Sebastian Vettel in Miami!!

The Red Flags F1 Podcast - They brand themselves as a podcast for "little sluts who live for the drama" and that is an accurate description. It's from an American perspective/"fan who discovered the sport through DTS perspective", so it might not be for everyone, but I absolutely love it. I don't even listen to podcasts, normally, but I love this one.

Here's a video of George tormenting his poor performance coach by driving him around the Nordschleife. I can say this with absolute confidence: I would NEVER.

And here's the video tour that George and Nicky gave of their team motorhome in Spa during the 2020 season!

And finally, here is a picture of the Germania statue that Bee has on her helmet. I don't think it's really the German equivalent of the Statue of Liberty, but it was the closest thing I could find.

Next chapter will probably be the conclusion of the 2020 season and the start of the 2021 season.

Autodromo Nazionale di Monza, Monza, Province of Monza and Brianza, Lombardy, Italy September 6th, 2020

Bee and Emilia left the hotel early on the morning of race day. She had a scheduled interview with the Drive to Survive crew before she needed to get ready for the race - the camera crew wasn’t embedded with Williams today, but they asked each driver to give periodic interviews at most of the races. There were throngs of people gathered around outside the hotel, all clad in red, with prancing horse banners and Italian flags. The fans couldn’t attend the race, but they were gathered outside of the hotel most of the drivers were in, hoping to catch a glimpse of Charles, Sebastian, or Carlos Sainz, who had just been announced as a Ferrari driver next season. 

Bee didn’t pay much attention as she was walking outside, chatting with Emilia as they walked to the car. They both had face masks and sunglasses on, which normally allowed Bee some degree of anonymity - not that she needed it yet, she was still a relative unknown amongst the grid. The only thing that would have indicated who she was was her Williams team kit. 

Except - they were almost to the car, when one woman, standing by the gate, yelled out, “È La Vespa!”

Bee whipped her head around to see a small contingent trying to get a good look at her over the gate. She stopped, took her sunglasses off, and waved to them. Another woman in the crowd shouted, “Buona fortuna!”

“Ciao! Grazie, ragazzi!" Bee shouted, waving to the few people in the crowd that had turned their heads. 

“I didn’t know you had Italian fans.” Emilia said, as Bee drove past more gathered fans near the entrance to the track. “I thought they were all Ferrari fans. And I didn’t know you spoke any Italian, either.”

“It surprises me sometimes, too - having Italian fans, I mean. But I’ve not had a bad race at this track, not since I raced here in Formula Renault. Maybe it just means I’ve earned their respect, or something. And what I said is basically the extent of my Italian vocabulary.” 

“And what were they calling you? La… vespa? Isn’t that a scooter?” 

Bee laughed. 

“Oh, it means ‘the wasp’. Two years ago, I raced in Formula 2 here. You’ve probably noticed that Formula 2 has two races per weekend, right? So I qualified on pole position, got first place in both races, and broke the lap record for the track in Formula 2 cars. After that, the Italian-language motorsport press started calling me La Vespa di Monza, or “the wasp of Monza”. You know, because… my nickname is Bee.”

“Oh… that explains the design for your helmet this weekend.”

“Yup!” Bee said, brightly. She had been using the helmet that Susie had given her ahead of the Austrian Grand Prix as her normal helmet for the season, but Monza was the first race she’d wanted a special helmet for. 

She had opted for a minimalist, matte black helmet with angled, gold, art-deco style lines that formed a minimalist graphic of what looked like a wasp. It was supposed to be a bee, but Bee’s helmet designer decided that it would look better with a more angular, slender quality that made it look more aggressive. It looked amazing. She hadn’t yet developed a personal logo like a lot of drivers did, but she thought about asking the the designer if she could use the design. The bee also had a crown drawn on its head. From the top of the visor to the back were three stripes in the colors of the Italian flag. All of her sponsor and team logos were done in the same gold paint as the bee. 

They went through the usual pre-race rituals - warmups, stretching, national anthem, pre-race presentation. Bee’s car was brought to its spot on the grid, and she clambered over the halo with her step stool. Her mechanics made their final adjustments, and the view from the middle of the grid looked strange, with her sitting in P11. She’d never been this far up. She did her usual pre-start ritual that Susie had taught her, narrowing her focus to just the bank of red lights. She could hear nothing but her own breath.

It was lights out in Monza.

She got a clean getaway, managing to stay out of the inevitable chaos into Rettifilo, and then went flat out into Biassono. She sank into the rhythm of throttle and braking quickly. It was strange to see a Renault and Racing Point behind her. Gaetan kept her up to date on the pace of the cars in front of her. On lap 7, she noticed what looked like a flurry of snow by the first chicane. 

“Vettel out, brake failure. He went through the runoff area.” Gaetan said. Sebastian must have smashed through the styrofoam indicator signs. Bee felt a momentary pang of sadness - she knew that Monza meant a lot to him as a Ferrari driver, and this was his last race as a Ferrari driver at Monza. News had recently broken that his contract was not renewed, which caught everyone off-guard. 

“Copy.”

Magnussen breaking down near the pit lane entrance brought out the first safety car. 

“Pit lane entry is closed, we are staying out for now.” Gaetan said. Bizarrely, Lewis and Antonio Giovinazzi dived into the pit anyway. They’d be getting a stop-and-go penalty for that, no doubt. She went in for new tires two laps later when most of the field did.

Charles Leclerc skidded off in the Parabolica on lap 23, from P4, bringing out another safety car, and then a red flag. 

“Okay, Phoebe, they have to repair the barrier, red flag.” 

“Copy. Is Leclerc okay?”

“Yes, all fine. Line up in race order in the pit lane, please, you are P10. We can put softs on and try to stay out for the rest of the race if you think you can manage them. Tire deg looks fine for now, so we should be okay with that plan. It will be a standing restart.”

Bee was in P10 as of the standing start, with George in P12. 

As they were waiting for the restart, Bee felt her nerves creeping in. She was in the points right now. If she could just hang on to her position - 

After the restart, Lance Stroll went wide at della Roggia and dropped a few places, and Lewis and Antonio both had to serve penalties.

“Gasly in lead after Hamilton’s penalty, you are three seconds behind Kyvat. Pace is good but push a bit if you can.”

She leaned onto the throttle a bit more to up her pace a bit to make up the gap to being within DRS range, but had to be careful at this point not to be caught in a potential DRS train.

“Verstappen retirement, Phoebe. No safety car. ” 

Max had been in P11 at the restart, so that meant George was now. 

“Stay calm, Bee.” She told herself. “You got this.”

“DRS available on Kyvat.” She overtook him as they headed into the Parabolica. She thought he’d try to defend more, but she practically skated past him as she picked up speed through the turn.

“You are now in P9. Ocon is too far ahead for now, so hold position. And stay calm. You have it.” Gaetan said. His voice was doing the thing where it sometimes dropped to a near-whisper, which did have a strangely calming effect on Phoebe. It almost felt like someone scratching an itch in her brain. 

“Copy.” 

Kimi dropped back down to 13th eventually. 

They pulled George into the pits to put him on softs for the last few laps, which allowed him to undercut Perez. Phoebe crossed the line on the checkered flag. She wasn’t sure where she’d ended up - it was a wild race. 

“What was our place, Gaetan?”

After the longest few seconds of her life, Gaetan spoke up, clearly expending a great amount of energy to remain calm: “Phoebe Stallard… that is a P9. That was an amazing drive today. And George, P10. That’s double points for today.” 

The garage was in raptures in the background of Gaetan’s radio. 

“I… we did it?”

“Yes, you had a wonderful drive today. I knew you could do it.” Gaetan said. “That’s three points for today! Amazing job from both of you!”

Bee had to pop open her visor and wipe her eyes with her gloved hand, her eyes had started watering. She wasn’t crying. That’s what she told herself, anyway, but all the same, tears had immediately started flooding her vision and she couldn’t see where she was going.

“I can’t believe it. I…”

It shouldn’t have been that overwhelming, she thought, but it was. After seeing how hard the team - George, in particular, fought to get even a single point last year and finished the season with that single point, the fact that the two of them had both been able to score points felt incredible.

As Bee was trying to do some quick math in her head to tabulate the team’s current standings in the constructor’s championship, another voice came through her radio. “Phoebe, that was outstanding, outstanding work today. Truly amazing. And you are now the first woman to score points in a Grand Prix since Lella Lombardi.” It was Claire. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve made history today.” 

It couldn’t have been a more fitting end to Monza for her. It was her best result so far, her team’s best result in years. She’d done what no woman had done since 1975 - 45 years prior. It was at her favorite track, in what happened to be Lombardi’s home country. 

She did her cooldown lap and circled back into parc ferme. She almost didn’t want to get out of the car. She somehow wanted to hang on to this moment - this feeling - forever. 

She climbed out of the car, and didn’t see George running up to her side to throw his long arms around her, tapping on the top of her helmet. She hugged him back, and he picked her up a few inches off the ground. She could barely hear what he was saying.

They stripped off their helmets and walked to the weighbridge area together. “That was absolutely mega today, double points. Do you know the last time that happened?”

George and Bee continued on to the weighbridge, but kept getting waylaid by the other drivers congratulating the two of them. It seemed that everyone - even competition, was rooting for an underdog team like Williams. Sure, every team wanted to beat the others, but it wasn’t exciting if there were always a few teams at the bottom that weren’t able to be competitive at all. A larger, more competitive midfield was good for the sport and made for better racing, and it seemed that everyone knew it.

They left the weighbridge to head back to the Williams garage, greeted by a hail of deafening cheers. Claire was crying. She rushed toward Phoebe, scooping her into an enormous hug.  

“Claire, I’m gross!” She could feel the sweat that was soaking the back of her suit through her fireproofs, that Claire was running her hands over.

“I don’t care!” 

Things calmed down enough to where Bee could head back to the paddock to report to the media pen. Emilia had brought her a towel and her drink bottle so she could start rehydrating a little before she had to put her mask back on and go talk to journalists. She was a little disoriented from the combination of excitement and post-race exhaustion, and followed Emma, her press officer, from station to station in the media pen. 

The media pen was abuzz - the race results were unexpected. Not only was it the first double-points finish by Williams in two years, and had the first woman in almost five decades earning championship points, but with a full podium of drivers from midfield teams, it was the first time that any the three top teams - Ferrari, Mercedes, and Red Bull - failed to score a podium since 2012. 

While she was talking to Jennie Gow from the BBC, she felt someone tap on her shoulder. 

“Sorry, Jennie -” she turned around to see who it was. 

Valtteri had been walking behind her as he was leaving the media area. “See? I told you it would come soon. Good job.” he said. 

“Thank you.” she said, clapping him on the arm as he walked away.

Bee turned back to Jennie and smiled. “Sorry about that, where were we?”

She finished all of her interviews (there were more than a few) and was talking to Emma as they walked back to the Williams motorhome. She was still over the moon, but exhaustion was starting to set in. It had been an incredibly long day. She wanted to shower, and to get something to eat. She wanted to call her mom. She wanted to -

“Bienchen!” 

She turned around to see Toto striding up the paddock behind her. He clasped Phoebe in a tight hug, ruffling her hair a bit. She was still sweaty but it didn’t seem to matter to Toto. Technically social distancing rules were still in place, but neither of them cared.

“I know I’ve said this before - it seems like I’ve said it so much, but I don’t mean it any less. I’m so proud of you. I knew you were going to match Lombardi someday, and I had a feeling - I was hoping - it would be today.”

Bee blushed, and smiled. “Thank you, Toto. I’m really sorry about your race today, though.” It wasn’t a good result for Mercedes, at least not compared to their normal results. They had been hampered by poor strategy decisions and penalties that caused Valtteri and Lewis to end up in P5 and P7 respectively. It was especially devastating after they’d had a front-row lockout through qualifying. 

“Honestly, right now, I’m not even concerned. I’ll worry about it later on when we have the team debrief. Seeing you drive so well, and seeing both you and George finishing in the points? Plus, I know you know this already, but you made history today.” Toto released her from his embrace, and rested his hands on her shoulders, looking down at her. 

Even with his mask on, Bee could see that he really was proud of her, and it was incredibly gratifying. There was something about Toto that made Bee want to make him proud. Maybe it was because she’d known him since she was a teenager. Maybe it was because he was never one to hold back on how he truly felt about things, and could be notoriously difficult to please at times. When Toto Wolff told you he was proud of you, you knew he meant it.

“You could DNF every race for the rest of the season, and you’ll still have that.”

Bee laughed. “Well, I hope that doesn’t happen.”

They talked for a few more minutes, as Emma stood by. Bee told her that she would be back in the garage shortly, and that she didn’t have to wait for her. She and Toto made plans to meet for dinner when they would be in Mugello the following week, to catch up. Between COVID restrictions in the paddock and the strange, condensed race schedule, the two of them hadn’t actually talked or seen each other in person in quite a while, primarily communicating via WhatsApp, and only occasionally now that Bee wasn’t actively working for Mercedes. Bee had missed talking to him very much.  

She finally got a chance to get back to the Williams motorhome to take shower and change. Claire had sent her a text that there would be a small party in the garage to celebrate. The team had ordered pizza and somehow got it back into paddock in spite of the restrictions. The whole team took another group picture with the pitboard signs, this time, they read:

PHOEBE - P9

1ST CAREER POINTS!!!

GEORGE - P10!!

Bee finally got a chance to check her phone hours after the race had finished, and she was surprised it hadn’t exploded. Social media had been on fire for hours. Her name was trending in Italy and in the US. There was even a tweet from the governor of the state of Michigan congratulating her, which was a bit inconceivable to think about.

She finally called her parents,  and they said they’d watched the replay of the race twice. 

“I wish we could have been there, honeybee.” her mom said. It made Bee a little sad. In her fantasies of being a Formula 1 driver during her teenage years, she’d always envisioned her parents being there to celebrate with her after a good race. They still hadn’t even gotten to watch her race in person since she’d gotten her seat. They still hadn’t been to a race in Monza. 

“Well,” Bee said, trying not to sound as sad as she felt. “I heard rumors that they’re going to be allowing a few fans to attend races in-person soon, so maybe for the Eifel Grand Prix… I can check. It’s not too far to Nürburg from home, if I can get some tickets for you…”

“Of course we’ll come. We would have come to Italy this weekend if it had been allowed. I know you love that track, and I’ve always wanted to see you race there.” John said. “Next year, for sure.” 

Susie called after her parents hung up. It was late, then, but Bee was happy to stay up to be able to talk to her. They talked for a long time. Susie had basically told her the same thing Toto had - that she knew she would match Lella Lombardi, that she’d hoped it would be at Monza, 

that she was enormously proud of her. 

Bee had heard it a lot as she kept racing and kept improving, but she didn’t really mind - it was always nice to hear. 

Knowing she was doing right by the people that had supported her racing career from early on, that she had people cheering for her, fighting for her when need be - it was a talisman.It was something to hang on to when things got hard, when she didn’t qualify well or didn’t place well, or when she was sore, or tired, or sick of traveling. Even when her confidence was shaken.

Nürburgring, Nürburg, Rhineland-Palatinate, GermanyOctober 8th, 2020

By the time the Eifel Grand Prix came around in October, the season had started to normalize as much as could be expected given the circumstances. Fans were allowed to attend in-person, albeit in very limited numbers. Bee had scored a point again in the Tuscan Grand Prix, but it was because approximately half of the grid had retirements for various reasons. She had George had swapped their positions from Monza - she had been P10 to his P9. 

Paddock restrictions had been easing a little, too, so there was a bit more interaction between teams and drivers. It was good, because Bee had started to feel isolated and a bit lonely, like the other drivers were still near-strangers for the most part, other than the ones that were her age. She had been able to see Toto more. She was starting to have more fun, too. Williams had stepped up their social media content efforts, which involved filming fun challenges and videos for YouTube with George.

Ahead of the Eifel Grand Prix, they had made a video called “German Lessons with Phoebe and George”, where Bee taught George some basic German phrases and greetings. It was silly and fun, and fans seemed to like videos of the two of them doing things together like that - it showed an unserious side of a serious sport.

The Eifel GP was confirmed as one of the races where some spectators would be allowed in so her parents were going to be able to come - they would not be able to get paddock passes, but having them there to actually see her compete in F1 would be nice. 

The weekend started poorly, with Free Practice 1 being canceled because of the rain and fog - the medical helicopter was not able to take off, so they couldn’t run a session without it.

“Welcome to the Eifel,” she said to George as they were standing around the garage as rain poured outside. They were waiting to see if the weather would clear up enough for practice to start, but it wasn’t looking good. Bee felt a little bad, because there were two F2 drivers that were scheduled to do tests during FP1 today with other teams, and it looked like they wouldn’t get the chance now.

“This is one of the reasons the Nordschleife is so dangerous. The weather is so unpredictable because of the mountains.” Bee said. “Speaking of which, didn’t you take Aleix for a lap around it yesterday?”

“Yes, and the traction was awful. The track was soaked, even having road tires wasn’t making much difference. It was fun though!” George and his trainer made a video for Youtube, just like Bee and Emilia had at Monza. Aleix’s reaction was fairly similar to Emilia’s, apparently.

“They couldn’t pay me enough to drive anything faster than like… a Ford Fiesta on that track. We both know two people who have almost died there.”

They sat in the garage, away from the rain, and chatted a bit more. After a while though, both she and George started getting a little antsy. They found one of the promotional rubber ducks that were being sold as team merchandise and started having an unofficial contest to see who could keep it up in the air longer, like it was a football. Humorously, the official Formula 1 channel ended up filming it and putting it on Twitter about an hour later. 

Free practice 2 was also rained out. Bee didn’t even bother putting her race suit back on. She had her fireproofs on under a pair of black track pants and a raincoat.

To pass the time, George and Phoebe found the pitboard signs and letters by the pitlane workstation and kept changing them to show silly messages to the handful of dedicated, rain-soaked fans that were seated in the grandstands, through the gaps in the pitwall fence. She wasn’t even sure the letters would be readable from that distance, but it was something to do. 

Eventually, she started getting too cold from the damp and headed back into the garage, sitting and talking with Claire at the engineering station.

“Your parents are supposed to be coming for the race, right?” Claire said.

“As far as I know. They’re supposed to be here tomorrow for qualifying, even. It’s about a… four hour drive from home and they’re leaving first thing. I kind of wish they could come down to the paddock. You’ve never met my parents, have you?”

“Not that I remember, I don’t think. I’ve seen them before. But honestly, it’s still a bit strange to me that you’re - and don’t think I mean this in a bad way, but very obviously an American, so sometimes I forget that when you say “home”, you mean Stuttgart.” Clarie said. 

Bee sighed. Without meaning to, Claire had touched on an internal struggle Bee had had most of her life. 

“I know, it’s weird to me, too. I mean, I imagine it’s normal for anyone that doesn’t live in the country they’re originally from. I’ve never felt like I’m German, or even German-American because I can’t get German citizenship without giving up my US citizenship, but Germany feels like it’s home. 

But when I go to the US, which actually is home, I feel out of place because I haven’t lived there full-time since I was a kid. Before I started doing karting seriously, I’d spend the summers with my grandparents in Michigan, and I’d come back to Germany and things would feel strange for a while again. But, it’s not like anyone looking at me wouldn’t know I’m not German, you know? Until I talk and someone picks up on my accent, I just sort of… blend in.” She shrugged, and went on.

“And then, when I moved to the UK, that was different, too, because I didn’t feel like I had to try to adopt a new identity - like, I know that the UK isn’t home, it’s just where I moved for work. In the UK, I’m an expat, not an immigrant.  I think that’s how my parents feel about Germany, but it’s different for me because I grew up in Germany. I try not to think about it too much most of the time, because I think it was a real benefit for my racing career. I don’t think I would have even picked up karting as a kid if I lived in the states. If I had, I don’t think I could have gotten this far.” 

“It does seem like you kind of were in the right place to do it. Every other American kid that starts out in karts ends up in NASCAR or IndyCar, unless they move to Europe, which very few of them do because of how difficult and expensive it is. It’s hard to leave your family when you’re that young. That’s one of the big reasons we’ve not seen many Americans on the grid.” Claire said. 

Bee’s parents called her early the next morning and confirmed they would be arriving just before qualifying. They were staying in the same hotel, which was pretty much on the track’s grounds. It was nice, because she could sleep in longer and just make the 5-minute walk to the gates. 

She was excited for Free Practice, though - it had been a long time since she’d been at this particular track. She hadn’t raced here since she was in Formula 3. Driving the track in a Formula 1 car would be like driving it for the first time again. It was an interesting track - lots of quick turns, and you had to be very strategic about using the shorter-than-average straights and DRS zones for overtaking. 

After Free Practice, Bee left the paddock briefly to say hello to her parents. Bee’s mom handed her a large plastic container of cookies she’d made. 

“These are for your team, I think I made enough for everyone to have seconds.”

“Wow, they’ll love these -” She opened the container, and frowned. 

“Lebkuchen? But… it’s not Christmas.” They were a spiced cookie frosted with sugary icing, similar to gingerbread, and popular at Christmastime in Germany. They were so tightly associated with Christmas in Bee’s mind that it was jarring to see them in early October.

“Well, I think they’re fine for fall, too. See, I even used a leaf-shaped cookie cutter. Nobody will know any better.”

It didn’t matter if they were Christmas cookies or not - the entire crew was very excited about them. The social media team made a very cute post with a picture of two of Bee’s mechanics posing with theirs. 

“There’s nothing quite like cookies from mom, especially if it’s @racingbee’s mom. Thanks for bringing treats for the team today, Mrs. Stallard! We loved them.”

Bee forwarded her mom the post in a WhatsApp message. “Look, you’re famous.” she said. 

“See?” Josephine said. “They’re not just for Christmas.”

Qualifying was a mixed affair. On the upside, the weather had cleared up and there was no rain expected during the session. George got into Q2, and Bee just barely missed it.

After she changed, she headed back to the hotel to meet her parents for dinner. Toto spotted them in the lobby as he was walking back from the track and John asked if he would join them. For some reason, it still surprised Bee that Toto and Susie got on with her parents so well. Not that there wasn’t any reason they wouldn’t, but beyond John and Toto’s shared interest in cars and racing, she wasn’t sure what they had in common. 

Toto was the type that could get along with anyone, though - she supposed that was why he’d been so successful in business.

For the race, Bee had another special helmet made. It was a challenge to get the design right - she’d wanted to use the colors of the German and American flags, but they weren’t particularly harmonious. 

The helmet was all red, with white paint. On the back, there was an outline of Stuttgart’s skyline in white. Toward the top of the back panel were the words “Schönheit und Schrecken”, or “beauty and terror”, from the Rainer Maria Rilke poem she’d read a few years ago - those lines had resonated with her. 

There was a stripe down the middle, starting from the visor and ending behind the skyline: a black and gold stripe with negative space in the middle for the German flag, and then a blue stripe with a line of white stars for the American flag. On the left side of her helmet was a design that featured the face of the Statue of Liberty, drawn in a stylistic sort of single-tone outline. 

On the right side, there was a similar design featuring the statue of Lady Germania, a personification of Germany from the Niederwald Monument in a town called Rüdesheim am Rhein, commemorating the unification of Germany in the 1800’s. She’d seen the monument once on a school trip to Frankfurt as a kid, and was always impressed with it. 

She looked at it before putting it on while she was getting ready, thinking back to her conversation with Claire. She couldn’t ever be German via passport, not without giving up her American one, but Germany was still home. America was home, too. It was where she was born, it was where her family was. 

They were both home. Both equally, but differently. 

It was another strange race, somewhat like Monza. Maybe the end result wasn’t so strange - Lewis and Max were both on the podium, that was business as usual. 

George, unfortunately, had to retire - Raikkonen tried to overtake him and ended up understeering into the side of his car. Kimi was given a ten-second penalty, and the crash brought out a virtual safety car. George was fine, but there was enough damage to the suspension, plus a puncture, that ensured he couldn’t continue. After four laps under the safety car, Alex Albon glanced off of Daniil Kyvat and knocked part of his front wing off, and Bee was able to pass both of them in the ensuing chaos. Lando’s car eventually lost power, and Esteban Ocon retired from the pits. The safety car came out and everyone but Grojean got new tires. The safety car lasted for an agonizing six full laps. Bee charged up into 10th, passing Kimi, Seb, and Antonio Giovinazzi after the safety car, taking advantage of Giovinazzi being held back by Grojean, who was still on old tyres. 

It was her second points finish. Her parents were there to see it. It was almost as thrilling as her points finish in Monza.

In the press pen, one of the Sky Sports Germany reporters wanted to talk to her - she was frequently interviewed by them, as one of the Germanophone drivers on the grid.

They asked her about how she thought her race went, as pitlane reporters were wont to do.

“I think it went well! I’m in the points again, which is fantastic. I am sad for George, I think his pace was decent before the incident with Kimi, but scoring points for me here in Germany… it’s kind of my home race, you know, was one of my goals for this season, so I’m really pleased. And this is the first race my parents have been able to attend in-person, so it’s really special that I was able to score points here. 

“Ah, so, you consider this your home race, even as an American driver?”

“I think so. One of them, at least. I know a few of the other drivers have different races that they all consider their home races, so I guess this is mine, until we can race in the US again. I grew up in Stuttgart, as you know, and I’ve lived here for most of my life. I love it here. I love the United States as well, but we can’t race in Austin this year. There’s a reason I put both the US flag and the Bundesflagge on my helmet for this race. I’m proud of being the first American in F1 in a long time, but it was living here in Germany from a young age that allowed me to get this far in racing, so I’m always going to consider it home.”

BONUS:

Williams Racing YouTube Channel

German Lessons with Phoebe and George | Williams Racing

Phoebe: Hallo, leute! Guten tag! [Hello, everyone! Good afternoon!]

George: Hello!

Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Stallard and I drive for the Williams Formula 1 team, and today, I’m going to be teaching my teammate George Russell some German before the Eifel Grand Prix this weekend.

[PHOEBE Narration over overhead shots of Nürburgring track]

The Eifel Grand Prix is taking place at the Nurburgring in Nurburg, Germany, on the ‘GP-Strecke’, or ‘GP Track’ layout. The Grand Prix is named for the Eifel mountain range that straddles western Germany and eastern Belgium. This is the first time in Formula 1 history that the Eifel Grand Prix will be run - it was added to the calendar after schedule changes made because of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is also the first time since the German Grand Prix in 2013 that the GP-Strecke layout has hosted a Formula 1 Grand Prix.

George: So, you’re American, but you speak German fluently, right?

Phoebe: Yes, that’s correct. I’m from the US but I grew up in Germany - my family moved there when I was five, so I had to learn it pretty early on. And you don’t speak any German at all, right?

George: Er, no… even after being around Toto so much. I’ve heard the two of you speaking German together, it always makes me feel like you’re talking about me. 

Phobe: [laughs] Maybe we are, you wouldn’t know! Anyway, we’re just gonna start with some basic greetings so you’ll be able to say hello to our German fans. So, to say “hello”, it’s pretty similar to how you’d say it in English, it’s just hello with an a sound instead of an e.

George: So it would just be… hallow? Hallo? 

Phoebe: Das ist richtig! Sehr gut! [That’s right! Very good!] We’re off to a good start.

Phoebe: Now, after you say hello, you’ll probably want to know how to introduce yourself, even though most people will probably know your name, but… it’s polite. For this, you would say Ich bin George. 

George: ‘Ish bin George. Issssh bin George.’ 

Phoebe: You could also say, “mein name ist George”.

George: That just sounds like English. 

Phoebe: Well, English and German are basically cousins, so there are a lot of German words that sound pretty similar. Now, if you wanted to tell someone you were from England, you would say, “Ich komme aus England”.

George: “ ish come ows England”. I’m guessing that “ich” means “I”, right?

Phoebe: You’re a quick study, you’ll be fluent in no time at this rate.

George: [laughs] Right, I doubt that. So how would you tell someone you’re from America?

Phoebe: Ich komme aus Amerika.

George: …Oh, that seems kind of obvious. 

Phoebe: Okay, now let’s put it all together, go ahead and say “Hello, my name is George, I’m from England.”

George: Okay, um… Hallow, mein name is George, ish, um… come? What was it… the word after?

Phoebe: Aus!

George: Right! “Hallo, mein name ist George, ich komme aus England”.

Phoebe: Sehr gut! Dein Deutsch ist perfekt! [Very good! Your German is perfect!]

George: I’m going to assume that means that my German is perfect. 

Phoebe: You assume correctly. Now, if you introduce yourself to someone, and they introduce themselves to you, it’s polite to say nice to meet you right? That’s a little more complicated. Well, kind of. You could say “Freut mich, dich kennenzulernen”, which is literally “I am pleased to meet you”, but that’s… 

George: Bit of a mouthful.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, most German speakers just say “freut mich”. 

George: Froit mish. 

Phoebe: Not bad! So, now, I guess, to sort of... round out this conversation, you’ll want to know how to say “goodbye”. I don’t know if you’re a fan of Rodgers and Hammerstein, but you might know this one.

George: Oh, it’s um… off weederseen or something like that, right?

Phoebe: Close! Auf wiedersehen. But that’s also kind of a mouthful, especially when you’re trying to make a swift departure, so what people will normally say is just, “tschüss”

George: Tschüss. Tschüss. Sounds like you’re saying “chews” like, really abruptly.

Phoebe: Yeah! Kind of. I guess? So, let’s put this all together. I want you to introduce yourself and tell me where you come from, I’ll introduce myself, and then you need to be polite , and then you can tell me “goodbye.”

George: Okay, I got this. Let’s do it. So… Hallo. Mein name ist George. Ich komme aus England.

Phoebe: Sehr gut, George! Hallo, George. Mein name ist Phoebe. Ich komme aus Amerika, aber ich lebe in Stuttgart. [but I live in Stuttgart].

George: [laughs] Oh, come on. That’s just showing off. Okay. Anyway. What was it - uh… Fr-fruet mich?  

Phoebe: Ja. Freut mich, George. Gut gemacht! [Well done!]

George: Okay, that was hard. But I got through it. 

Phoebe: See? You’ll be able to eavesdrop in on me and Toto soon. 

George: [laughs]. Okay, what was that last thing? Right. Tschüss!

Phoebe: Danke, leute! Tschüss!

[twinrowcitizennews]

snapshot

Note from the editor:

This is the first letter of this nature that I’ve received from someone who wanted their question published. Other than editing for formatting and grammar, it’s in their own words and their own words alone. Please send an email or ask if you know how to solve their problem-- and quickly. 

I have to warn you, this letter isn’t for those who are put on edge easily. Reader discretion is advised. 

I don’t know if I’ll still be around by the time this is posted, but that doesn’t matter. So long as this reaches whoever might need it. 

I first saw it last October. The 27th, I think. Kind of cliché for this sort of thing to be happening right around Halloween, but truth is stranger than fiction. It was late in the evening, almost nighttime, when I saw this stray dog roaming around in my front yard. I grabbed my dog’s leash and went to get it, thinking I could keep it in my backyard until I could find the owners, but the second I left the front step, it started off towards the bike trail. I sped up to a jog and followed it, hoping not to scare it off any further. 

The bike trail veers away from the neighborhood and through this piece of undeveloped land that separates the suburbs from a nearby farm. The dog was mostly sticking to the path, moving along at a trot, stopping every once in a while to look over its shoulder and wag its tail, like it was waiting for me to catch up before starting off again. After a few minutes of this, I called for it-- tried to whistle, asked it to heel, etc. It came over when I pretended to have a treat in my hand, holding my fist out like there was something inside. When it leaned over to sniff, I clipped a leash on its collar, a simple fabric band without any tags or ID. I’d never seen the dog before, so I got out my phone and took a picture of it to post to the neighborhood Facebook page, asking if anyone knew its owner, before walking it back to my place and letting it out in the fenced back yard. After feeding my own dog, I sat down to check Facebook to see if there was any response. 

No one recognized the dog from the photo. One comment asked me who was standing in the background. 

There hadn’t been anyone else in the woods, as far as I remembered, but I double-checked the photo anyway. In the background, about 20 feet away, it looked like there was a figure-- vague, kind of person-shaped if you squinted-- standing just to the side of the bike path. It was all indistinct and fuzzy. Probably just a smudge on the lens. I responded to the comment before trying to clean off the lens on my shirt, then taking another photo down the hallway to see if the smudge was gone. There didn’t seem to be anything. The rest of the night was relatively normal. 

The next morning, I ended up trying to clear out my camera roll, to save some room for any pictures I might take of my baby cousins in their costumes. I deleted a bunch of screenshots, old photos, and the image of the dog, before going to delete the hallway picture. 

The smudge was still there. Like before, it was around 20 or so feet from where I’d been standing when I took the photo, around the size and height of a person. Unlike before, it was peering around the corner from the door to the bathroom. 

I was freaked out some, to be honest.  I scrubbed the lens down with a Lysol wipe and took another photo down the hallway, trying to prove to myself it was just some sort of shadow. Nothing that would show up in the daylight. And it didn’t-- nothing strange, no smudge, just a block of sunlight from the windows. I didn’t delete the picture from the night before, though. Just in case. 

It was a few more weeks before I took another nighttime photo. My cousins are too young to stay up late, so they’d been out trick-or-treating around 5:00 in the evening, back before it was even dark, so I didn’t really take anything on Halloween. The dog was returned to its owner a few days after, so nothing there, either. 

It was around the middle of November when I ended up catching it again. I was on a nighttime walk and passed the home of this older couple down the road who always put up their outdoor Christmas decorations about a month too early. I wanted to get a picture of the setup-- they had this new animatronic Santa, sitting on a throne and waving to the road. I can promise that no one else was in the yard. I used the flash (on accident, but still), and if someone was there, I would have seen them. When I got home, I sent the picture to a friend of mine for her to make fun of. She messaged back with a few laughing emojis before asking who took the photo.  

(ID: Two texts from my friend reading “lol” and “really who took it”. My response says “wdym?”. She responded with two texts saying “I see you in the background, genius” and “just vibing by the garage”. End ID.)

I checked the photo again. By the house’s garage, a little under 20 feet from where I’d been, was a clearer, more distinct figure. For once, I could make out its face. 

I don’t know who or what it is, or how it got there, but it definitely looked like me. It was even wearing my clothing, had its hair done the same way, everything. Just standing there and smiling for the photo, like someone just out of frame was telling it to say cheese, looking right into the camera. 

I immediately turned all the lights on that I could reach. I almost deleted the photo, staring at it for too long, before closing out of Photos and reopening my camera. I figured this had to be some weird hallucination or something I was making up, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. I aimed the camera down the hall and took a video. Nothing. I checked it, sliding the scrub bar back and forth to inspect each individual frame. All of them were just empty, illuminated hallway. That didn’t shake the feeling, though, so I turned the hall light off and tried again. Nothing showed up on this video, either. I took a photo. 

It was there. Again. It wasn’t peeking out from around anything, just standing in the middle of the hallway, the same distance it had been from the camera in the yard. 

I didn’t sleep that night. Or the next few. 

I ended up searching the internet as much as I could for anyone with similar experiences. I saw things about ghosts, things about illusions, things about solid doppelgangers that people saw with their own eyes and not through pictures, but nothing like this. Over the weeks and months that followed, I took investigating into my own hands. 

My fears were quieted some-- some-- when, after the first few nights, I realized that it wasn’t hurting me. It never even moved, staying in the same poses each night. The only change was, no matter where I was, inside or outside, it was always the same distance away.

I started taking pictures almost obsessively. Every day, every night, I tried something new. I tried every condition I could think of to see when and where this thing would show up. It became a part of my routine-- almost a companion. I’d even jokingly wish it goodnight. 

I could put walls between myself and it. At one point, I stood inside my closet and took a picture, only showing racks of coats and clothes. It could be seen through windows, if there was no room for it to appear indoors. I could take pictures out my bedroom window to show it standing right there outside the window on the front walk. It always looked exactly like me, down to the smallest detail, except for the face. It never had any expression other than a smile. No matter where I was, inside or outside, it could be there. I got pictures of it at home, at work, out of town. It never showed up in well-lit photos. Things in the dark with flash were okay, but it would just be a little indistinct. Dimmer lighting, pictures taken at night, all of that was free game. I never got a picture of it in daylight. 

Around February, I sat down and tried to sort all the successful photos into one album to clear up my camera roll. At this point, it was mostly just pictures of the thing, since I was sometimes taking up to dozens a night. I deleted all the failures, saving all the pictures of it into one album. That’s when I noticed.

It was getting closer.

I guess I had ignored it over the first months. It had been too gradual for me to notice, only an inch or two each night, but looking at all the photos in order, it was obvious. Instead of being around 20 feet away, the thing was closer to 15, still just standing and smiling.

I had to tell myself it was coincidence, or something I was imagining, or I think I would’ve done something I’d regret later just then. Now that I knew it could move, I didn’t really think of it as a friend anymore. 

I kept taking pictures throughout the following months. Only at night. It stopped showing up outside my bedroom window-- in retrospect, probably because the ground wasn’t close enough for it anymore. It stopped lurking at the end of the hallway, drawing nearer until it was standing right there in the living room. It started putting its hands against the glass of the kitchen windows. Then it started showing up at the kitchen table. 

I got desperate, some. I tried everything. I burned incense, I tried to talk to it, I bought fucking crystals. I’m an atheist, but I even considered calling a priest or something. All spring, I was constantly scrambling to find some way to get that thing to leave, or at least stop moving. Every night I took more pictures, too many, before scrolling through my photo album with a looming sense of dread. Nothing worked. It kept coming, slowly, always dressed like me and always doing that smile. It got close enough that I could see the whites of its eyes. I almost wish I could say that there was something messed up about it, something that made it obviously inhuman or dead or anything, but there wasn’t. It was just me, just exactly like me, and somehow that was worse. 

I’m sending this in now because it’s really close and I don’t know how to make it go away or if that’s even an option anymore. These past few nights, it’s been right in front of me-- I could reach out and touch it, if it was solid. Hell, I could probably feel its breath, if it had that. I’ve been taking pictures every hour or so, sometimes every couple of minutes.

Last night, around the fifth or sixth picture I took, it wasn’t there. Just gone. I took a few more pictures, and it didn’t matter where I was, it just wasn’t there. I don’t know why I did it, but I turned the camera around to selfie mode and took a shot. 

That thing was standing right behind me.

One of its hands was hovering right over my shoulder, like it was about to touch me. I freaked out and took another picture. It hadn’t moved more than a hair. I turned all the lights on and haven’t slept. 

I’m not sleeping tonight. I’m not turning any of the lights off. It can’t get to me if the lights are on, or I hope so. If anyone knows what to do or what this thing is, please respond. It might already be too late, but I don’t know what this thing will do or who it’ll go for when it’s done with me. I don’t have much advice to give, other than to sleep with the fucking lights on.

[morganaseren]

OC Introduction

Tagged by: @illusivesoul Thanks! Sorry this took so long!

Tagging: @this-is-something-idk-what, @noeldressari, @alessandramortt, @theherowarden, @jellydishes​ As per usual, I can never figure out who has or hasn’t been tagged by this. No pressure if you don’t want to participate though! Below is the template you can use.

My answers will be under the Read More.

---

Fandom:

Role:

BASICS

Full Name:

Nickname(s):

Pronouns:

Sexuality:

Occupation and Titles:

Birthday & Age:

Physical description:

Clothing style:

BACKGROUND

COMBAT & SKILLS

Preferred fighting style:

Special skills:

RELATIONSHIPS

Family:

Love interest:

Best friends:

PERSONALITY

Positive traits:

Negative traits:

Likes:

Dislikes:

Fears:

Guilty Pleasure:

Hobbies:

Fandom: Dragon Age

Role: Inquisitor

BASICS

Full Name: Niamh (pronounced “Neev”) Cousland

Nickname(s): Neevy (from Sera), Brat (from Leliana lolol), Storm Pup (mostly from her late mother’s side of the family)

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Lesbian

Occupation and Titles: Niamh is the leader of the Inquisition forces and is also hailed as the Herald of Andraste. Although all her rights to the Cousland estate along with any titles associated with it were forfeited the moment her magic manifested, her ties to her family name are still recognized and vice versa--perhaps especially so now with her being Inquisitor. Thus, in accordance to an older tradition from her late mother’s family, she is also titled the Storm Wolf of Highever per her brother Teyrn Fergus Cousland.

Birthday & Age: Niamh was born on the 3rd of Cloudreach in 9:08 Dragon, so she’s 33 as of Inquisition and 36 as of the Trespasser DLC.

Physical description: She’s a woman of middling height (5′6″ or 168cm). Niamh’s hair is pitch-black, which settles asymmetrically around her face with a longer fringe covering one of her eyes--a pale, misty-grey hue. Physique-wise, she’s full of wiry muscle, especially along her arms, shoulders, and back--testament to years of heavy staffwork.

Clothing style: This is more dependent on what setting she finds herself in. Around Skyhold or in more official circumstances, she tends to garb herself in formal wear such as the one seen below.

When she’s out and about on missions, her attire consists more of cloth and leather as depicted in the screenshot above. As a native Fereldan, she has a tendency to favor fur in her overall field outfit, which is evident in the black Great Bear fur seen along the spaulders atop her shoulders. Then, as an occasional artist, her sketchbook is ever present, constantly hanging from her belt as she draws flora, fauna, and anything of interest in her travels to properly document later. Littered amongst the sketches are also occasional plans for whatever project she’d like to work on back at Skyhold.

Art and crafting is ever her way of relaxing.

Despite being an artist, her color palette in terms of clothing remains relatively simple even if the cut of them are always finely-tailored. She favors darker colors overall with white and varying shades of grey. Occasionally, a splash of color is thrown in every now and again for visual emphasis.

For instance, the red scarf you see on her is a gift from Bethany Hawke. ;3

BACKGROUND

Niamh is the youngest child of Bryce and Eleanor Cousland.

She was born beneath a violent storm that only settled as her newborn cries filled the world--a telltale sign perhaps of the destiny that would later be laid out before her.

She was taken away to Ferelden’s Circle when her magic manifested at the age of four. Niamh was the youngest to enter Kinloch Hold that year, and she was inconsolable for several months as she struggled to adapt to her new surroundings and the many strangers that were meant to be her new family of sorts.

Of all the mages present, she was closest to Jowan since he was only a year or two older than her, and the then young boy was responsible for drawing her out of her sullen shell--enough to where she could finally be comfortable with interacting with others after months of frightened silence. The two children did everything together and were otherwise inseparable. Unfortunately, their relationship would later become strained as they entered into adolescence, especially as Niamh grew into her magical abilities and surpassed him entirely in power, astounding the likes of First Enchanter Irving and Wynne--both whom became her respective mentors--with her command over the elements. 

Niamh was able to successfully undertake the Harrowing at the age of seventeen, earning the right to be recognized as a full-fledged mage. She was never designated an Enchanter throughout her time in the Circle, for she had no personal apprentices of her own. The few new ones to arrive at the Tower were assigned to those who had passed the Harrowing before her, but she was content to help them and the Senior Enchanters however she could. Her kindness, patience, and calm diligence earned her easy friendships.

...or at least she thought so until some of her colleagues turned on her with Uldred’s coup following the onset of the Blight.

Caught between blood mages and Templars who believed she had a hand in Uldred’s machinations, she likely would have succumbed to either party eventually had her sister Saoirse--now a Grey Warden--not arrived to help cleanse the Tower of abominations and save First Enchanter Irving and the remaining Senior Enchanters.

For her efforts in saving them, Niamh was allowed to accompany her sister on her travels across Ferelden along with Wynne. She formed a fast friendship with Leliana early on, and it eventually led to heavy infatuation on Niamh’s end, but it stuttered to an abrupt halt when she realized her sister was also in love with the bard. Believing that she had nothing of worth to offer to Leliana as a mere mage, Niamh buried her feelings for the other woman, watching from afar as she fell for Saoirse.

Saoirse was as bold as all great heroes could ever hope to be, and so she was well-suited for Leliana, but it was Niamh who tempered much of her sister’s impulsiveness, especially when it came to matters of diplomacy.

---

"Can't we just--"

"No." Niamh just kept her gaze forward as they walked out of the Deep Roads, refusing to look at her sister.

"But it's a good idea!" Saoirse insisted earnestly.

"Saoirse, in no world where you throw the crown at the two candidates for Orzammar's throne and expect the least most concussed to be King can ever be considered a 'good idea,'" Niamh deadpanned.

---

Yet, for all her brilliance with tactics and matters of negotiation, Niamh was unable to convince Saoirse to allow Morrigan to use her Dark Ritual despite knowing it would have saved any of the Grey Wardens from being sacrificed. Worse, her sister made her promise not to tell Leliana of Saoirse’s own plans to slay the Archdemon in the final battle.

As expected, it resulted in Saoirse’s death.

Racked with guilt over never telling Leliana the truth of the matter, and believing she had been left the last of the Couslands--a mage that Thedas would have never recognized--she disappeared following the end of the Fifth Blight. Niamh placed herself in a self-imposed exile abroad for over a decade until news of a Conclave by Divine Justinia was brought to her attention. The Divine had hoped to bring together both sides of the Mage-Templar War and negotiate its end.

For Niamh, this led her to return to Ferelden. It was her last hope to see if the world could finally begin to change for the better.

Instead, she was given a far different destiny...

COMBAT & SKILLS

Preferred fighting style: She prefers keeping herself at range on the battlefield, for it allows her to better survey it. She sees everything like an intricate chess game, and she always tries to place herself and her team at the best advantage to overcome their opponents.

As a mage, Niamh incorporates a lot of staffwork in her fighting, especially when it comes to casting magic. However, when she was living abroad, she had to learn to adjust her fighting style altogether so that she would never be suspected of being a mage. As such, she taught herself to fight with spears and polearms, as they were still similar enough to normal staff-fighting that it wouldn’t require a completely new foundation with which to work from.

Because the new style of fighting required her to be within relatively close quarters of her enemies, she learned to try and limit the time of the engagement with them as much as possible with quick, brutal strikes. That methodology happens regardless of how many opponents there are. A quick takedown means a much quicker escape after all. As a runaway apostate, she couldn’t risk leaving a trail of bodies behind her wherever she went.

Special skills: Niamh is specialized in all the elemental houses of magic although she favors lightning the most. During her time with the Inquisition, she also specialized in necromancy--much to the surprise of many.

RELATIONSHIPS

Family: Of the renowned Couslands, only she and her older brother Fergus remain, but despite their years apart(she honestly didn’t know that he survived the Battle of Ostagar until she returned to Ferelden in 9:41), they remain loving and supportive as always toward one another. Of her late mother’s family, the Mac Eanraigs, she gets along well with them, especially her Aunt Eithne (who will be making her first official appearance in chapter 24 of OtSttCA).

Love interest: Leliana (although they won’t be an official couple until close to chapter 30 or so)

Best friends: Dorian, Sera, and Cole. She views the three of them like younger siblings, which was an admittedly odd feeling for her at first, given that she’s the youngest of her own siblings.

Of her other companions, she is also closest to Vivienne although Niamh sees her more like a fond, maternal figure than a best friend. She greatly respects how the older woman was able to take her status as a mage and turn it into a position of power within the Orlesian Imperial Court, especially when so very little of it was ever afforded to their people. When it comes to the mage allies she gathered from Redcliffe, she trusts Vivienne’s judgment in overseeing them along with the Knight-Enchanters Niamh requested of her back in chapter 13, especially since Niamh travels so much between missions. Then, when it comes to just about anything regarding Orlais, she goes to Vivienne as much as Leliana or Josephine, mostly wanting the insight of a mage in regards to the culture and politics seen there.

Then, of her War Council, Leliana and Josephine are her absolute favorites. Niamh and Leliana have so much history between them that it’s impossible to separate themselves from one another, and she appreciates Josephine’s sweet nature as well as her diplomatic acumen.

PERSONALITY

Positive traits: Her adaptability. There’s an almost... chameleon-like nature to Niamh at times. As such, she can acclimate herself to whatever her environment asks of her and find a way to thrive in spite of it all. She’s also quite intelligent. Ever the eternal student, she constantly looks to expand her wealth of knowledge. Had she not been born a mage, she likely would have done well as a scholar in the world of Thedas. Niamh is also benevolent, always seeking to place more kindness into the world rather than contributing to the bad already within it.

Negative traits: After years of being taught rather toxic, religious doctrine from the Chantry in regards to mages, Niamh has rather low self-esteem, especially when it comes to the subject of love. She doesn’t believe herself worthy of Leliana for instance. As brilliant as she is, her mind can be rather restless at times. This can lead to overthinking outside of any tactical or official setting, which tends to feed back on her latent anxiety as a leader. Then, having spent a decade constantly on the move, she’s not used to staying still for long periods of time, which lends itself to some trouble, especially if she’s injured. She is quite literally the worst patient ever. :P

Likes: Storms, the ocean, mabari, tea, strategy games, sweets, books, art

Dislikes: The Chantry, Templars, discriminatory behavior, incivility,

Fears: The Rite of Tranquility, outright failure as a leader

Guilty Pleasure: Niamh has the most terrible sweet tooth. If given half the chance, she’d get her entire day’s sustenance through sweets alone. She actually does like fashion; she just couldn’t allow herself to indulge in it since her nomadic lifestyle before joining the Inquisition didn’t permit such luxury. She’d happily window-shop the entire day away if given the opportunity.

Hobbies: Sketching, painting, crafting, reading, chess

[bao3bei4]

i have basically covered the material in this post several times on my twitter. but this is, in my opinion, the only s*xy t*mes with w*ngxian take you need. 

(cw transphobia, transphobic slurs, antiblack racism, mentions of csa and bestiality in fiction)

edit 6/10/21: hi! i’m realizing people are still reading this! this was written in response to aja romano’s vox article on the fic that was published in late february of this year. i had been frustrated with how their article seemed to miss the point in many ways, because they never talked about the substance of the fic. which, i mean, fair. i wouldn’t want to read a 1million word fic either.

but i already had, so i thought i’d write about some things that i believed needed to be part of the conversation. namely, that its author wasn’t a harmless troll, but a person i genuinely disliked who i believed should be deplatformed.

i think virtual1979 is a bad person. 

i think a lot of people mainly know about sexy times the phenomenon more than they do sexy times the fic itself. i have the dubious honor of being one of the few people who has actually read large portions of the million word fic, and that’s why i wanted to write this meanspirited hit piece. 

the fic is down right now and the author’s notes and comments have both been deleted, which is why i cannot provide screenshots. however, these are all quotes i have saved from when the fic was online, and i’m happy to talk with anyone if you feel any of these quotes are mischaracterizations of the fic. 

i also want to be clear this is not a “callout post” and i’m not trying to “cancel” them or whatever. i am just explaining why i don’t like them, why i don’t feel bad they’re being harassed, and why i do not find them sympathetic at all, and perhaps why you should also adopt these stances. 

let’s start with transphobia. 

sexy times with wangxian is transphobic. this much is apparent from the tags. virtual1979 tagged the following: F*tanari, d*ckgirl, Sh*male. they use this language in the chapters that include a character with both a vagina and a penis. 

they refer to this character (wei wuxian) with the pronouns “he-she.” the following excerpt is a fair representation of how this wei wuxian is referred to in the chapters where wei wuxian has a vagina and a penis. 

[Lan Zhan] would never be turned on by a female, and he would actually be turned off by a drag queen - but this… this Wei Ying, it’s Wei Ying, and he-she looks [...]

i know these words are common in porn categories, but they are also slurs. virtual1979 also uses hermaphrodite to refer to this set of anatomy, which is not strictly a slur, but definitely a stigmatizing choice of language. 

they have repeatedly made clear they are not open to criticism. they have also since removed the comment section. making an intersex character for the express purpose of using transmisogynistic language towards them in your million word porn fic isn’t annoying the way their tags are, it’s actively fucked up. 

fanfiction has a transphobia problem, and if we’re talking about sexy times with wangxian in any capacity, we must be clear: sexy times with wangxian is part of that problem too. 

secondly, virtual1979 is also complicit in ao3’s racism problem.

i think the way they write about chinese characters and settings is annoying and racist, but they are a malaysian chinese person, so i do have some sympathy for them. i am committed to having some patience for people who are annoying if they themselves are working through the prejudice they have faced. 

they’ve commented as much: 

Not gonna lie, this fic has been a steep learning curve for me despite my roots being Chinese as well, but I have absolutely zero knowledge in some of these aspects!

and i’m happy on some level they can get in touch with their roots. who among us has not been cringe and diaspora. any criticisms i have of their portrayal of chinese people will stay private and be made to other people of color.

i’m going to be clear here i don’t think the actual comment they made makes them super evil or anything. but this essay IS clearly in response to That Article, which did mention racism in fandom. so.

i think we have all seen the infamous karen comment they made, in which they compared people who criticized their tagging with “Karens,” equating antiblack state violence to... mean comments on ao3? and “SJWs,” which, eye roll. no ageism but you’re 41 why the hell are you complaining about sjws

anyway. i am deeply frustrated by the co-option of the word karen. a stand-in for a particular type of racist violence white women specifically can and do inflict has become fused with that reddit-type mommy issue “can i speak to the manager” internecine white resentment. 

so their trivialization of antiblack racism is another reason i don’t like them. again i KNOW it’s petty to point this out here, but this to me shows that virtual is afflicted with the same kind of fandom brainrot that aja is, where everything comes back to that same sort of self-centered bullshit. 

sorry for that jab. julian told me that aja thought that cql was about callout culture and all i could think was “wow! just like virtual thinking that--” because i also have spent too much time on twitter this week. 

this is just like. part of this ongoing pattern i’ve noticed with virtual, where they’re aware enough of real problems to acknowledge they exist (police violence, accessibility issues caused by their tagging) but are determined to double down on their minor relative persecution as king, shittily drawing parallels between like... real problems and fandom problems. equating the two or allowing the second to take priority over the former is like... par for the course for this type of person! 

third, this is just another clarification on more parallels between ao3 discourse and sexy times that went completely unremarked on by That Article. 

i would rather DIE than get into discourse. but why did they write this sentence: 

Lan Zhan’s rational mind finally broke with a tsunami of pedophilic lusts [...]

by the way that is the start of a 430 word sentence. and yes this fic does contain hundreds of thousands of words of aged down wei wuxian. make of that what you will. 

also why would you make wei wuxian teach baby chickens how to sexually pleasure him. do you hate these characters. what’s going on. i think mxtx should be able to sue virtual for that one. 

there’s a very obvious connection between mainstream ao3 discourse and sexy times that went completely unremarked on in That Article. sexy times contains multitudes and some of those multitudes are bestiality and explicit childfucking. 

this is not unrelated to fannish culture, they are not unfamiliar with fannish norms, blah blah blah. this is just normal fandom. they’re not subverting shit, they’re just a normal fan who unlike 99% of fanfiction writers on twitter, spends more time writing than posting. this has taken their fannish tendencies to cartoonish heights. 

finally, they don’t care about mdzs or wangxian. they’re literally just horny and spiteful that’s it. this isn’t a question of like... “ohh they were a good faith participant in fandom until they went joker mode” and the REAL villain is society/ao3. like no they wanted to write shitty porn, and when they found out they were annoying people, they decided to double down because they could be the main character of the mdzs ao3 tag every time they found a spare hour to write. 

here are some select receipts on that topic:

they do not care about canon: 

MDZS has quite a complicated and expansive plot and history, and enough content that one can choose to tune out certain parts and still get to the end of the story in one piece. Also, because of its source, some fans may not fully realize the nuances, cultural aspects (ooh, cultural appropriation is another triggering topic) or the full breadth and depth of the source material, such as a person like me, who is half-baked in terms of knowing what the canon universe is all about. So I end up playing with characters and settings technically borrowed from the story, and make them do things that would otherwise run counter to the original source material - and that draws quite some flak from those opinionated people I mentioned just now. It's part of what makes the fandom toxic. It's like they're the self-appointed guardians of the source material and they act like they own the rights to question such questionble fanworks, and dare I say, try to take down those that cross certain lines too.

they are just horny: 

After that giddines of extra drunken Lan Wang Ji scenes at the beginning, I'm blessed with Lan Wang Ji (Wang Yibo's, actually) fuzzy nips! Bless Bless Bless, and Amen! muahs the nips on the screen

anyway they did get nuked over wishing covid on people. 

so yeah. i want to be really clear. this is my thesis: i do not feel bad for them. you should not either. i do not like them. you should not either. that’s ALL!!!! 

[letsbeoutoftouch]

Three days ago, I decided to start watching one of the Chinese dramas that had been sitting on my Netflix to-watch list for as long as I use it: 'A Love So Beautiful'.

I was (am) really excited over the Korean version because the FL is So Joo Yeon, whom I love since I watched 'Romantic Doctor Teacher Kim 2' last year―she's adorable!

However, I knew that the Korean version was a remake, so I figured I should start with the Chinese one first. Besides, a few years ago one of my ex-friends told me I should watch it, and she has a pretty good taste in dramas... So, well―I succumbed. And, oh my! I'm so glad I did!

· · ·

'A Love So Beautiful' is a coming of age drama, which depicts the lives of five friends as from the moment they meet in high school up to adulthood, and how they learn about love, friendship and life in general. It especially revolves around Chen Xiaoxi (Shen Yue, from 'Meteor Garden') and Jiang Chen (Hu Yi Tian, from 'Unrequited Love').

· · ·

♡ PLOT & EPISODES:

It is a really light-hearted drama, and its plot is uncomplicated. It is ideal for when you are in the mood for something that doesn't have twists and turns, and/or whose plot doesn't require a great effort to follow. If you feel like watching a drama like that, then I really recommend you to start this one.

Although it's made up of 23 episodes (and one special episode), they are approximately 40-minutes long each. Therefore, I didn't feel that they were tiresome to watch. Also, as a person who gets distracted quite easily ―I have the attention span of a goldfish―, I must emphasise that I didnt pause it at all―except, maybe, to go and grab some snacks... And to post that screenshot with a reference to Argentina, lol.

· · ·

♡ CHARACTERS:

Xiaoxi (FL): This character is a well-known one in dramaland―the typical female lead who is really (and when I say really, I mean extremely, blindly) in love with the male lead, no matter his actions or the words that leave his mouth.

I normally find this type of character annoying (yes, I'm looking at you, Nao). I find it painful to watch that she keeps resiliently following the male lead, even when he is continuously humilliating her. Of course, if you keep in mind that she is a teenager, then you may be able to understand the way she behaves―we were all a little bit like that during our younger years... Or, at least, I know I was. However, that's hard to remember when the story depicts her to be neither a teenager nor an adult, although she is supposed to be the former. By this I don't mean that teenagers can't go through situations that may force them to 'grow up' quickly, but stuff like 'living alone with my classmate' is not a normal situation for a teen (especially, with their parents consent ¿¿¿¿¿)―that's more adult-ish.

Anyways, back to Xiaoxi.

When I think about my younger self, I think she might ―in some points― relate to Xiaoxi. Why? That's simple―because she truly acts like a teenager. For her, the problems she faces are like the end of the world, and deals with them as (most) young people would.

Amongst those problems, love is obviously included. She's devoted to the love she feels, and doesn't waver. She's always true to her feelings and to her heart―sometimes, a little too much for my liking. However, her genuiness and stubborness are two of the traits I liked the most about her.

But Xiaoxi is not entirely naïve―not all the time, at least. She stood her ground in some parts of the story, as a teenager and, mostly, as an adult. I must admit that one kick was amazing―I was lying in bed and I literally had to sit up and scream 'APLICADÍSIMA' (an Argentinian slang that, in this context, could be translated as 'nicely done').

▫ ▫ ▫

Jiang Chen (ML): Yet another typical character in dramas. He's one of those guys who barely speaks, looks serious 24/7 and, the most important thing, has feelings but is unable to show them most of the time.

I'm not going to deny that people like that do exist in real life (now that I think about it, I may be like that irl, lol), but the real problem is how they are portrayed in dramas. I mean, the fact that a person gathers all those characteristics within them does not equal to being an a*shole (again, I'm so looking at you, Uehara).

Jian Chen sometimes acts like an a*shole, I'm not going to deny that. He mostly acts like that out of jealousy, which doesn't make it right. However, he's continuously growing out of that behaviour (maybe not so much out of jealousy 🙃), and that's what I liked about this character. Even if his character doesn't entirely lose his true essence (being serious is not a bad trait per se, just to name something), it was refreshing to see that, when he's with her, he wouldn't act like he doesn't care about her at all.

▫ ▫ ▫

Wu Bosong (SML): Oh, dear. He's the sweetest. For real.

I'm not the kind of person who usually falls for the second male lead (for example, in Heirs I was always team Kim Tan, although everyone loved Young Do and shipped Eun Sang with him). However, this time, I found myself falling for Bosong really, really hard.

His character is yet another cliché―the sweet boy who's always helping the FL and has to be content with watching her from the sidelines. However, his kind and tender nature slowly captured my heart.

*spoiler alert* It broke my soul that the story was unfair to him―he deserved way better. Not only romantically speaking―all the scenes where his grandma doesn't recognise him were so, so heartbreaking. I know life isn't fair, but it is a drama! Don't make the poor boy suffer that much 😭.

However, even though I loved this character a lot, I ―by no means― shipped him and Xiaoxi. He deserved someone who would give him their entire heart―and, let's face it, Xiaoxi would never grow out of her love for Jian Chen. *end of spoiler alert*

· · ·

♡ FRIENDSHIP:

As far as I'm concerned, most people are only interested in the romantic side of dramas ―which is fine, of course―, but I'm adding this item because it was seriously one of the things I enjoyed the most about this drama.

The chemistry between the five of them is awesome. Sometimes, it's not just about how nicely the leads are to each other―I think that portraying a great friendship is equally important. After all, life is not just about romantic love―it's about all the other kinds of love, as well.

It was sweet that they not only grew up together, but also that they stayed friends even if they had other things going on in their lives. They were unconditional to each other, but that didn't just stayed in high school―it followed them to their adult lives. They still tried to find the time to meet, even if they were busy (*spoiler alert* Xiaoxi's fansigning! *end of spoiler alert*), and supported and had each other's back no matter what.

I liked how friendship was one of the main topics in the drama.

· · ·

♡ SUMMARY:

If you're looking for a cute and light coming-of-age drama (and you don't mind a school drama―i.e., dealing with the fact that they are teenagers during most of it), then A Love So Beautiful is the one for you.

Also, if you haven't ever seen a Chinese drama (and you're up to a drama with the characteristics abovementioned), then I recommend you start with this one. It's not boring, chapters are relatively short (40-minutes-long episodes are considerably shorter than Korean drama's one-hour ones).

The acting was great (again, bear in mind that the characters are teenagers!), the chemistry between the leads was good, and, if you're like me, you'll enjoy the chemistry between the entire group (*spoiler alert* although Bosong and Jian Cheng are ready to throw hands at each other like 99% of the time *end of spoiler alert*).

If you have some time, I highly recommend you to watch it!

I'm leaving the trailer here, if you want to check it out:

A Love So Beautiful is available on NETFLIX, VIKI and YOUTUBE!

· · ·

I hope you liked this 'review'. I wanted to write one since I finished the drama, but I have been busy studying for my finals.

Sending lots of love during these weird times ♡

[begrudginglytumbling]

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four,  Part Five, Part Six

Part Three!

...or I suppose technically it’s part two of Part Two since this one will finish up what the other one started.

Shall we return to Grow Up?

(This’ll be long even though I managed to be a little ruthless and cut some of the images.)

We’ll start with the staffroom and finish with the dorm rooms.

I am only assuming it’s a staffroom. For all I know it could be some kind of common room. But they spend a damned lot of time there. They eat. They hangout. They study. And it’s not just the students, so I’m calling it a staffroom.

Anyway! This breakfast bar thing props up a fair amount of leaning, from general side leans.

To the favoured elbow hook lean.

What I find funny about this particular surface is that Bai Yu’s legs are so long that he actually can’t sit ‘properly’ at it. If he sits straight, then he has to lean forward, since his knees are knocking into it. And when he does sit close (his feet aren’t on the floor, since he’s on a stool, so he can sit properly), he has to spread his legs in some form of obscene manspreading fashion that made me cackle and that I apparently managed to not get a screenshot of (and annoyingly I can’t remember which episode it was in).

Right then, on to the table.

Literally.

On to the table.

Because, clearly, Bai Yu can’t resist sitting on a tabletop.

I made a post about it a while ago, but I’m still not over it so, just as a quick break from the sitting - that outfit is certainly a choice of the wardrobe department.

I mean just look at it, with it’s mustard trousers paired with that top, and a lime green tie. It’s like someone threw the 70s at him or something and went with whatever stuck. I feel like it shouldn’t work. But why does it? Is it a Bai Yu thing?

I mean I know he can pull off some slightly questionable fashion choices - that denim on denim look he has as Zhao Yunlan is something I’d normally say isn’t a good idea, but he looks damn good in it. There is also the jacket with the buttons on the back that I’m still questioning to this day. And the time they apparently rolled him in glitter. And, ok, I happily admit that I don’t tend to understand fashion, and I understand even less of Chinese fashion, but, just, how did this choice come about? Pretty much everyone else in this show seems to wear ‘normal’ sedate clothes. Then there’s this guy. With his bright colours, his polka dots on polka dots, and his cravats. Honestly, mixing his outfit choices with his sitting preferences and relationships, I’m becoming convinced that this is just another example of Bai Yu giving his character Disaster Bi energy. The dude ain’t straight, and the dude ain’t gay. I’d say this dude is a Certified Disaster Bi.

Ok, back to the table and Bai Yu’s leaning back in an almost draw-me-like-one-of-your-French-girls manner.

And, like, there is a chair right there.

But nope.

The unpadded table is apparently more appealing for this man’s relatively flat arse than the padded chair that is right there.

I mean, yeah, he makes an appealing picture that’s visually different from everything else going on, but that does not negate the fact he ignored the empty chair that’s right next to him in favour of draping himself over the table.

And look, he can sit at the table as opposed to on it. There’s quite a few instances where he’s sitting at the table in a chair like a proper person. Granted, in pretty much every instance he’s sitting with his legs crossed, because god forbid he have both feet touching the floor.

But of course this table also sees moments where he’s doing something different to the others. Like here. Everyone is standing, he’s sitting.

I think he’s sulking a bit in this one, but still. Different position, different aura, still not supporting his own meagre weight.

And here with his gay little scout-esque neckerchief/scarf thing, leaning back, not sitting properly.

He does this lean back on the sofa too.

The shot is only a couple of seconds long, then he’s standing up, just like in Part Two, where he’s the only one sitting when the Teacher Doctor guy opens the door, and I touched on this a little in the previous part. But I’m really starting to think it might be a deliberate thing that’s quite clever in drawing the eye.

I should probably preface this with saying I know basically nothing about the processes that go into acting and film making. I am however technically a historian by degree and, therefore, fully capable of pulling theories out of my arse which I will then scrabble around to find sources to back them up.

So! The theory is that movement naturally draws the human eye, and if everyone is the same then a scene can fall flat. Sameness is boring, your eyes can flit over it and not take in any details.

Bai Yu?

Bai Yu is a fidget (seriously go watch his livestream videos, he fidgets, fiddles, and wriggles), this movement can be used to his advantage in drawing the eye. That scene up there? He’s not just leaning back, he’s also shifting about. He’s not in focus, but you can be damned sure that movement made my eyes focus on him before I even knew it was him.

And for combating the sameness? Look at the examples above - he’s lounging on the table, different posture to everyone else - he’s sitting while everyone else is standing -  in the previous part he’s standing while everyone else is sitting. I thought at first my eyes were drawn because it’s Bai Yu and, well, he’s a favourite of mine so why wouldn’t my eyes be drawn. But then I realised they would’ve been, regardless, because he’s different. He breaks up the sameness, he stops it being flat. It reminded me of a scene in Pride and Prejudice, where the Bennett girls turn one way, but Mrs. Bennett turns the other. I remember watching or reading a commentary about it, the move being praised. I don’t remember exactly what was said, just that it was praised for being different and adding something to the scene, and it made me wonder if Bai Yu makes similar decisions?

Ok, onto the seating area proper.

He was actually sitting on an armchair properly before this, with both feet on the floor and everything...he looked so uncomfortable. Then he moved to sit on the arm of the sofa, because of course he did.

Y’know, pillows get hugged a lot in this programme, mainly by Bai Yu, but by others too sometimes.

And why sit normally when there’s a perfectly good coffee table in front of you to rest your foot on and make some viewers wince because why is your ankle bending that way? How is that even comfortable?

Just look at it. Barely resting on the table with his other foot adding weight to it.

You make my joints ache, sir.

Ok so technically I probably could’ve cut this one, since he’s just sitting on the sofa, nothing fancy, legs crossed, arm slung over the back as he pulls faces while she’s playing a game - she’s training to be a doctor but has a fear of blood so to get her use to it his character gets her to play fighting games(?) and someone else puts red dye on her hands - but this ends up leading to...

...this.

And just...what? How...?

That can’t be comfortable, surely.

I don’t even...are your joints even real, sir?

If your own joints are twinging in sympathy pain, this is your chance to go give your arms a shake and your body a wiggle before we head to the last section of the dorm rooms. Make sure everything is where it should be to remind yourself that you’re not the broken marionette doll Bai Yu can apparently become.

Right. All shook out? Good.

First stop the girls’ dorms, last stop the boys’.

There’s not much in the main girls’ room, really, just his usual sitting with his legs crossed because obviously the floor is lava and can’t be trusted with both feet.

I’m not sure how much he can be blamed for this one, as he’s technically been thrown into the chair by the little doctor trainee whose character reminds me a bit of Wen Qing.

As a side note, when you’re watching something that you don’t understand the language of, scenes like this can really throw you, because you’re just sitting there minding your own business, when suddenly they’re alone in the room together and Bai Yu’s character is taking off his tie, before striping off his shirt and tossing it on the sofa, and then you’re sitting there like wait, what? When did...? I thought...? What? But then he just gets tossed into the chair and some kind of conversation happens that makes you relax because, yeah, from your vague understanding of the characters, that makes more sense.

Even though he was tossed down, he didn’t actually need to keep his feet on the chair, but of course that didn’t stop him.

He is actually capable of looking comfortable sitting in this particular chair, he even gets to hug a pillow while doing it.

Now then, the boys’ dorm.

He came in, he saw them, he plopped down on the coffee table.

He could’ve sat on the sofa, he could’ve pulled up a chair, but nope. Coffee table.

Obviously, as previously mentioned, the floor is lava, so at the first opportunity he lifted both feet on the table and happily sat on it like an indulgent cat or something.

The sofa.

This sofa is not big enough for a full Bai Yu stretch out, but he can happily curl up on either end.

You could turn him into Bai Yu themed bookends.

Now, from watching Guardian we are all aware that this man is fully capable of embodying the spirit of a cat.

I, however, raise you the spirit of a Great Dane.

I see no difference between these two images.

Also not even this character’s mother can get him to sit properly. She prods him up and shuffles him over, and the first thing he does is pull up a knee.

Y’know how people starfish in bed? Well Bai Yu can apparently starfish in an armchair. He just plops down and flings his limbs out.

I almost didn’t catch this one, it’s part of some studying montage thing, and I thought he was sitting properly since he’s leaning forward, and I can clearly see his slippers.

Then I had a ‘wait, hold up’ moment, went back, and looked properly.

There are no feet in those slippers.

There are no legs attached to them.

So even when you think he’s sitting properly. He isn’t because he is kneeling. And I almost missed this ridiculousness!

Yes, Bai Yu, sit on a bed post that is clearly not meant to be sat on.

This is a moment where he could’ve leant against the wall, but evidently saw even the smallest flat surface as an invitation to sit.

Is that post migrating to places a bed post shouldn’t be migrating to?

Should’ve thought of that before you went and sat on it.

Not only does illness and subsequent surgery give him an excuse to lay on a gurney, it also gives him an excuse to lay in bed!

Apparently being tucked in by other men is also something not entirely unique to Bai Yu’s Zhao Yunlan. That bloke, the roommate that he went on a not-date-but-looked-like-a-date-with-wine-and-everything, seems like an absolute sweetheart and I’m still pissed at what they did in the last episode. It was uncalled for, script writers, uncalled for!

Although, I suppose, in regards to this project, it is kinda ironic that by the end, of the three men in their 'friendship group' of seven, Bai Yu’s character is the last one standing.

If I was a ‘they were roommates. Oh god they were roommates’ kinda writer these beds would be a bloody godsend. Just look at the watching and pining potential if top bunk guy was mooning over bottom bunk guy, while top bunk was doing work at his desk, and bottom bunk was sleeping.

The potential, people, the potential.

So that’s it. Grow Up is all done, and I can confidently put this in the column of Bai Yu quirks that become character quirks.

If you want to watch it, it’s available on Youtube, but there aren’t any subtitles. It’s on Dramacool too, but, again, no subtitles and the quality is horrid compared to Youtube.

Considering I couldn’t care less about the main storyline, it’s not actually a bad little drama.

Part One, Part Two , Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six

[psychicprincesscreation]

NUANCE

Edit 7 (7/12): I didn't realize I kept breaking the link when I was trying to come up with a good title lol my bad.

Last two titles: "I'm not your bass-slut anymore." (That didn't exactly fit the narrative.)

"Don't fuck your idols. :)"

Since everyone is talking about accountability, let me put it succinctly: I was 22, this was consensual for me, I was a "groupie" who knowingly emotionally cheated on my then-bf with Bassnectar for months, I broke it off & moved out because I expected more from the relationship than I ever got.

As one person on IG stated: I was just a groupie whose fantasy didn't go the way I wanted it to. Lol it's true, but that isn't the whole story.

I know it's easy to focus on how I was "old enough to know better" and the harmful choices that I made, but don't forget that Bassnectar actively pursued me even after finding out about my boyfriend -- I'm sure he wouldn't have had any problem finding a single girl to talk to instead, given his stature.

He offered me concert tickets, plane tickets, money to buy an apartment, he told me to email him as often as possible, he told me to keep everything a secret and to lie to my boyfriend over and over.

He tried to "save" me with controlling advice about eating, sleeping, not partying (ironic, considering that he is a DJ) not pursuing music journalism, not hanging out with any male friends whatsoever, where I "should" work. This was all before we ever met in person.

People don't realize how hard it is to say no to your idols, especially when they are CONSTANTLY offering gifts that I considered very extravagant at my age.

This wasn't a normal affair; I had absolutely nothing to offer Bassnectar but myself, yet he spoke to me like I was a star. He told me we could "go deep" and that he wanted to "mate" with me.

Of course my dumbass young-adult drug-addled mind is going to fall in love with the idea of him.

CONSENT IS NOT DEFINITIVE. I didn't consent to a relationship as two normal people sneaking around. I became a cheating asshole who was misled by a rich & famous liar. I never said what I did was right -- in fact, I made it very clear that I did something wrong, too.

I also said that my story is NOT as bad as the other accusers'. I absolutely do NOT think that I had it worse than anyone else. I think my story is important because it shows that his behavior wasn't limited to people underage.

Hopefully my candor denotes honesty and by admitting my faults in this situation, people can see that Bassnectar's emotional manipulation was real and calculated, and most certainly did not start or end with me.

Side note: Apparently Bassnectar DOES cuddle... I guess he just didn't want to cuddle me that night. Ouch! :)

Edit 6 (7/12): Too many typos to fix so I'm just leaving them now lol. Added detail.

Edit 5 (7/12): Just because I say I'm slutty and I like sluts, doesn't mean every girl/women who was involved with Bassnectar is a slut. I'm just owning that label to change MY narrative for MYSELF. I really don't think there's anything wrong with being slutty -- it's always the rest of the world that has a problem.

I wrote this stream-of-consciousness, so I wanted to mention that sometimes my statements that involve other women may seem brusque, but I'm on the women's side. I mean to convey disdain for the way Bassnectar treated us (as a secret "harem",) rather than jealousy or annoyance toward the women. I hope it comes off that way, but I don't know who is reading this and how some might interpret my words.

Edit 4 (7/10):

Removed names. A story mentioned in this post wasn’t true. Either just a lie (to make someone look bad,) or I don’t remember it properly ‘cause it’s been so long. If it was my fault: my bad. 

Edit 3 (7/7): 

FIXED SOME TYPOS! 

Edit 2 (7/7):

I like sluts. Stop making us feel bad for wanting love *and sex, too. 

Another thought: Bassnectar probably pursued a relationship with me because I had a boyfriend. Therefore, I would be more secretive and would have to take some of the responsibility and guilt in this situation, too. And that is true. I do feel guilty about the lying and sneaking. I think that it was inevitable that I would break up with my then-boyfriend, but it really wasn’t Bassnectar’s place to accelerate the break-up by giving me the impression that Bassnectar would be my boyfriend instead. This wasn’t friendly advice given to me by someone older, this was tactical. It makes me wonder if a lot of girls/women don’t want to come forward because they are afraid that the truth will come out about their own affairs? 

Don’t be afraid to tell your story because women-hating assholes try to dissect and expose your secrets in an attempt to discredit you! Bassnectar is the one who needs to be exposed for HIS indiscretions -- this is about what HE did wrong.  Edit 1 (7/7): 

- Bassnectar told me that he was coming to NYC and because we had an online relationship, I thought that he was coming to see me. My friend told me today that Gov Ball 2013 was the same weekend, so I think he may have actually been in NYC for that reason (I don’t think he was scheduled to play on the flyer,) but I was delusional about it.  - I removed the screenshot of his phone number from the post because I don’t want to violate any doxx rules. I am still willing to compare this phone number with other women/accusers to corroborate our stories. :)  - This is my story told from my perspective. I was an adult and I’m not posting this with the intent of legal action, or revenge (although I do admit that this relationship was devastating and heartbreaking for me.) I just want people to know what kind of person he is. - My story is not as harrowing as some of the other accusers’, but that doesn’t make it invalid. - Even now, reliving everything hurts me and I wish I could say that it was real, but now that I’m older I am wise enough to know that it was all lies. - I stand with the women who Bassnectar has hurt in similar, or worse, ways.  

----

My relationship was short-lived, but it was so eventful for me that I remember it clearly. I'm mentioning many minuscule details because I think that could help prove the validity of other victims' stories.

Writing in bullet points because it's easier for me to sort through the memories. I'm calling him Bassnectar because the "Lorin" I was talking to is someone that I feel hurt and appalled by now.

• I don't have social media/email screenshots because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter years ago. Bassnectar asked me specifically to delete our emails because his "girlfriend had caught him" and asked me to get rid of the evidence because she was "demolished." (I will go into a bit more detail about that later on.)  • I don’t have a “smoking gun” that skeptics are looking for, but that’s what happens when someone asks you to keep everything a secret and delete everything that shows you were communicating.

----

• This happened in 2013 over many months, plus Bassnectar texted me a few times about once a year after our "relationship" ended. • I was 22 at the time. I'm from NYC and frequently went to clubs, shows, events, and festivals with my then-boyfriend (who I lived with) & the same group of friends. • Bassnectar was one of our favorite artists and we'd seen him perform several times in several states. • My friends had a private Facebook group where we'd tell each other about shows and make arrangements to travel/meet up/stay over each other's places. • I was very interested in music journalism at the time and occasionally wrote show reviews for my friend's online music magazine. • I actively used Twitter. I basically tweeted at every DJ we liked, and always posted reply screenshots in our private Facebook group to share with my friends. • Things became complicated with my then-boyfriend, but we still lived together. We had recently gotten back together around the first time Bassnectar DM'd me on Twitter.

• Bassnectar responded to a Twitter pic I posted of our mini-fridge with a Bassnectar logo sticker and said that he "liked my fridge" or something. • I screenshotted this and posted it in my group because he was the biggest artist who had responded to me at that point. • I thought I could use this as an opportunity to interview him for my friend's mag. • After I already posted the screenshot in my group and had responded to his DM, he sent another message asking me not to screenshot him because he "hates that." • I deleted the screenshot from the friend Facebook group. I stopped screenshotting and sharing our conversations with my FB group immediately after he asked. • I continued to chat with Bassnectar via Twitter and said that I was a big fan of his merch and that I bought several things at all the shows I've attended. • I asked to interview him at some point in the conversation, and he skirted over the request.  • Instead, he gave me his email (bassnectar2012) and asked me to send him merchandise ideas. • I slapped together a few simple, quick ideas on Photoshop or something and sent them to him.

(I don’t know how to embed a picture on Tumblr lol -- will update.)  • You can see that the image I sent is no big deal, and all the files were similar, but he responded as if they were the greatest things he had ever seen. He definitely made me feel special and talented. • We emailed regularly and relatively frequently for days. • Emails are exchanged back-and-forth and eventually I asked to interview him again and he agreed. • I gave him my number and he called me. My then-boyfriend was aware that I was in contact with Bassnectar, with my original intention of interviewing him. • My then-bf was in the room when Bassnectar called me for the first time. • Bassnectar didn't want to be interviewed; he wanted to get to know me. I agreed to just chat at first. • He told me not to call him Bassnectar because that was his "band" and that I should call him Lorin. • At some point he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him no, even though things were complicated with my then-bf and we were technically together.       > I know I'm going to be chastised for doing this, but I've learned years ago that I made a bad choice. Honestly, I still wanted an interview, and I am well-known for leading with my sexuality. This is when I started becoming deceitful with my then-partner. Simply put, I was just more enticed by the idea of advancing my career, and eventually the allure of potentially being Bassnectar's girlfriend, so lying seemed best. Just because I’m flawed, too, doesn’t mean Bassnectar did nothing wrong. 

• My then-bf confronted me about not saying that we were together. I felt guilty and the next time I spoke to Bassnectar, I confessed that I was back together with my then-boyfriend and I wasn't single. (I don't remember if it was via text or voice call.) • Bassnectar was upset that I lied, but continued to talk to me nonetheless through text and email.

• He made me feel like my writing was profound and touching, and that we were falling in love. • He would tell me that he wanted to "bring me the sun," or "get me a puppy." He said things that were romantic and poetic and I felt heartened to respond to what I thought was love. • He said he had $10,000 in his mattress and he wanted to get me an apartment in NYC, so I didn't have to live with my then-bf anymore. • He would text me before and sometimes immediately after he played shows then say he was going to sleep by like 12am (typically.) It was easy to keep up with where he was playing via social media.  • He offered to fly me to his show in Red Rocks so I could attend. (I didn't accept.)

• He called me from time-to-time and told me not to tell my then-bf who I was speaking to. • One day he had me call a different phone number, which he said was his "home phone." • He told me a story about a beautiful girl named (removed)? Who he had a falling out with because she mentioned that Bassnectar told her that he didn't like Steve Aoki. (I don't remember that story in detail -- I think he was telling me so I wouldn't tell other people when he talked about other artists.) > Edit (7/10): This person messaged me to say that’s not what actually what happened between them. • One day I was speaking to Bassnectar on the phone and didn't answer when my then-bf called on his way home from college classes (I always answered right away.) He asked who I was speaking to and I admitted "Lorin."

• When I called Bassnectar back, he became annoyed that I told the truth and said that I should tell my then-bf that I meant my girlfriend Lauren instead. • I began to sneak around more, lie more often about who I was speaking to on the phone, and texted or emailed Bassnectar almost every single day. • He said we should skip Camp Bisco 2013 and just spend time together. (Obviously anyone who attended Camp Bisco knows that didn't actually happen lol.) • He was flirtatious, charming, and always offered me tickets to events, or sometimes to fly me to where he was. I didn't accept any of this then.

• He told me that I shouldn't do any drugs, not even smoke weed. All of my friends were casually experimenting back then, and I was equally as candid as I am now about everything I did. He told me not to do drugs at his shows, or any shows, and especially not around guy friends. • Me and my friends traveled to see a show in Philly and stayed with friends. When I texted saying I was mostly with guys (my friend group was mostly guys at the time,) he asked if I "felt safe" and offered to get me a hotel. I thought it was unusual because I always felt very protected by my male friends. • He told me that I shouldn't hang out with guy friends, or have guy friends at all. • He told me that guy friends all wanted to sleep with me and I didn't realize it. • He told me I should eat healthier and exercise regularly -- it was very weird and controlling. He just didn’t want me to be myself.  • He told me that he had a girlfriend who had two abortions. I think because we were talking about relationships?  • He told me that he grew up in a hippie commune and was Christian and he questioned his priest and that his mom was a poet laureate. It just seemed like he wanted me to get to know him at the time. • He told me I was co-dependent with my boyfriend and that I needed to become independent and move out. • He told me I should make lists of my life goals as an independent person and email it to him. • He told me not to tell anyone about us talking. I told all of my girl friends, but it was a "girl code" situation and none of the guys or my then-bf knew what was going on. • We talked A LOT and often, but all of this only happened in a matter of months.

• Time passes and our emotional affair eventually becomes physically intimate when he says that he is going to fly to NYC. This is JUNE 2013! He played at Electric Zoo 2013, but that wasn't until Labor Day, so I'm not sure why he really needed to go to NYC, but it definitely wasn't for a show because me and my friends would have been there. > NOTE (7/7): My friend read this and mentioned that Gov Ball 2013 was the weekend before, so there is a good chance that Bassnectar was already in NYC for some reason and didn't actually come to see me personally like I was led to believe. lol.

• He alleged that he would see me again around Labor Day when he came back for EZoo, too.

• I am from Staten Island, and wasn't totally familiar with Manhattan's layout at the time, but I think that the hotel he was staying at was in Midtown. It's been 7 years since this happened, but I tried my damnedest today to figure out exactly which hotel it was -- there are soo many in that area alone.  • If Bassnectar says any of this isn't true, then he's lying because there will definitely be a plane ticket or something with his name on it to NYC in JUNE 2013. > NOTE (7/7): I thought he was there to see me specifically, so the dates he told me was staying in NYC are probably not 100% accurate, but there is definitely some proof somewhere on his end that he came to NYC for whatever reason. The lies he told me are just coverup to make me lose credibility if this ever came out. 

• He said he had a hotel for three days. I think it was a Mon-Wed? I took off work those days so I could see him everyday that he said he would be in NYC. If he has no record of checking into a hotel around the time I'm citing, then his manager probably did it for him. I believe his name is Carlos. (I'm going by the memory of what Bassnectar told me.)

• Bassnectar met me in person at the Staten Island Ferry (Manhattan side) and we walked to Battery Park and sat on a bench and talked. • I felt extremely shy and awkward because I knew that by meeting up in-person, I had given up with my now-ex. The whole thing was conflicting and unfair to so many people, but it was too late now. • Bassnectar frequently complimented me in person. He said things like, he was dying to smell my neck, that he loved my wrists because they were delicate like a bird's frame.  • He said that he felt self-conscious that he would be recognized because he's used to being recognized in crowds. • He would pet and caress me, but didn't try to kiss me in public. • He told me that he got his hair washed at a hair salon and he gave the hair dresser a ($50 or $100?) tip and looked in the window to see her reaction and she was crying because she was so happy.  • He convinced me to go back to his hotel. We took a cab there. It didn't take that long, which is why I'm convinced it was Midtown. He never told me which hotel it was, but I didn't realize it was actually because he didn't want a trail back to him. I guess it worked.

(I'm about to get very detailed about my memories, so trigger warning for making people feel uncomfortable.)

• When we got to his hotel, he became physical with me very quickly, but he said he wouldn't kiss me first. That I had to do it first. So I did. • It progressed into kissing, cuddling, him touching me all over in bed with our clothes on. He dirty-talked a lot. I also remember that he moaned and grunted a lot, and I wasn't used to any of that. • At one point, I untied his hair and let it down and he joked that I was making sure he was really Bassnectar and not his assistant that I was meeting. • He told me about his go-go dancer friend who had fake boobs. I can't remember why. • I remember him kissing me against the wall, and he said something like, I want to fuck you against the wall and hold you up with only my dick. It was way too specific to forget. (It didn't happen, though.) • We inevitably had full-on sex after the on/off touching/kissing/talking. • He said he didn't want to wear a condom at first, but he thought he should. We did, but it felt like a test to see what I would say. • I remember that he wanted me to have an orgasm, and I instructed him which position worked best for me. • He orgasmed by having sex with me from behind and asked me to look back at him. I remember him draping his long hair over my back. How could I forget that? -_- • One of my girl friends texted me ("How are you plants doing?" was our code phrase) to check in and make sure I was okay because she knew where I was. It was monumental for me, so I told her it was great. • I sat on his lap while he looked at his laptop. • We had these deep conversations about life, and love, and the future and it seemed so real to me at the time. • I remember that I told him I was unsure if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend because he was so much older than me (I think he was 35 at the time?) • He told me about about a girl he loved named X who was also around my age. I didn't think it was that weird because I was convinced he still really liked me best, but he probably had so many "Xs" and I was just another one. • At some point, he commented on Facebook (or Twitter?) in response to someone saying he was Illuminati. Honestly, it was like we were two people hanging out because of how normal everything felt after the sexual tension was gone. 

• I remember having dinner with him at the restaurant across the street and talking about wanting to be a writer and he said I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HIM EVER. (So it wasn't normal after all.)

• I remember, back at the hotel, he asked me perverted questions like, can you show me how you make yourself orgasm? He asked me to just demonstrate on his hand so he knew what to do next time. • I don't remember much more because I wasn't planning to stay. • My other girl friend had a job interview that day and we decided to meet at the ferry to take it home together. • On my way out, he walked me to the elevator and he gave me $50 to take a cab to the ferry and to use for a cab when I came back to see him tomorrow. (For my fellow New Yorkers who doubt this story, no, that wasn't enough fare for both trips, so the amount is definitely the truth lol.)

• I went to see Bassnectar again the next day. When I asked him for the hotel address or name, he wouldn't give it to me directly. He said it was because of people stalking him or something. I don't fucking know but it was obvious confusing bullshit and I think he gave me an address that was about a block away. I think he even said he would tell the cab driver the address over the phone. There was a lot of runaround to avoid saying the exact address. (Now the reason why seems obvious.)  • My details are a bit fuzzy at this point because I remember meeting him outside the hotel and going up together, but I forget why we met outside and why we were both confused about which street the other person was standing on. • We went up to the hotel room, he worked on music on his laptop, while I sat on his lap and read Trainspotting on my Kindle. • He let me listen to what he was working on, but I don't remember it. I just remember that he was working with female vocals. • He told me he had to meet his guy friend in Williamsburg because his friend was making him lobster. Looking back, it was probably another girl.

• I asked to stay because I wanted to spend more time with him. I texted my now-ex-bf (who I still lived with) that I was staying with my friend. • Bassnectar said that normally he would say no, but for some reason he agreed and left me in the room with the room key and all his stuff. He either really trusted me, or really trusted how much control he had over me to leave me with his laptop. • I left at one point to get pizza, and came back. I watched TV, but couldn't sleep. He got back some hours later and he was drunk off wine, but I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. • He jokingly thanked me for not stealing his things. • Apparently Bassnectar DOESN'T cuddle and made that a point, but he did sleep in bed with me for a bit, before moving to the other bed in the middle of the night. (There were two beds in this hotel room.) • For anyone else who had sleepovers with Bassnectar, you know that he sleeps with his own fans for the white noise. So we slept in separate beds with his own personal fans on. It was all very bizarre. • We didn't have sex this day at all.

• The next morning I went to Duane Reade while he was still sleeping so I could get toiletries and shower since the sleepover was impromptu. • He had a meeting with someone (manager?) who was supposedly coming to stay in the room later that evening? (It was probably another girl though? idk)

• When he got back, he made me go over the list of accomplishments and goals he asked me to email to him. • He told me that I shouldn't be worried about finding someone to be in love with and it should be a lower priority on my list. • He told me that I should get a job at a restaurant or American Apparel or something and get a shitty starter apartment with only girls. • He said that finding an apartment that was pet-friendly shouldn't be a priority at all. I had a pet cat so if I moved out, that meant I would have to leave my cat behind, but that didn't matter to him. • He told me that if I wanted a serious boyfriend, I shouldn't let him see my legs or have sex with him for a long time. • When he finished life-coaching me, we watched a movie together. • He chose Spring Breakers because he was supposedly asked to do the musical score for it and turned it down (that's what he told me.) • At one point in the movie, Vanessa Hudgens jokingly gestures to her friends that she's giving a blowjob, and Bassnectar said he "didn't understand why girls sucked dick." • We had sex once more, more quickly than the first time and with much less romance. I can't remember much because I just remember feeling sad about leaving soon and like he was blowing me off suddenly. • We took a shower together after.

• I packed up my stuff and before I left he gave me $1000 in cash without warning and told me I could use it to help put a down payment for an apartment or something, but I should pay him back because it would be "good for me."    > Looking back, when he left for a short while that    morning, it was probably to take out cash to give    me when I left. • He didn't walk me to the elevator this time and he sat on his laptop while I left feeling very cheap, stupid, and crushed.

• Time passes and we talk less and less. I'm heartbroken, but still make moves to find a job and move out of my ex's ASAP. • I email Bassnectar a diatribe saying I'm feeling hurt and abandoned. I say that I felt betrayed that he made me think we were essentially going to be together after I left my boyfriend and it turned out to be all lies. • I'm having lunch with friends when he calls me and is angry saying that he told me what I should do to make my life better and that he can't just give me a job or do anything for me and that I need to do things for myself. • My friends walk over to the car where I'm on the phone and when I say I'm ready to go, he asks who I'm speaking to and I say, "my friends." • He yells at me and asks why I'm talking to him on the phone when my friends are around (he asked if he could call and I said it was okay, I didn't know we were supposed to be alone.) I tell him I will call him back. • I text him and ask to call back and his mood flipped and he's suddenly super kind and apologetic and tells me he just wants me to be independent. He reminds me that I'M the one who told HIM that he was too old for me and we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. • I am heartbroken all over again, but I move on with my life and move out within the next month or so.

> I actually did get a waitressing job as per his suggestion and saved money from that + the grocery store I already worked at and moved to BK by August 2013. I didn't use the money he gave me at first because I thought it was a reason for us to see each other again, and I was afraid to spend it in case I couldn't earn enough to pay him back by the time I saw him. (I never saw him again, though.) > In case you're wondering, I did spend it eventually when I started to resent him for blowing me off.

• I speak to Bassnectar very rarely, and only via text. He doesn't call anymore, even when I ask. • One day while I'm at work, he sends me a video of a beach he's supposedly vacationing at. • When we DO speak, he asks for nudes, usually. • When I send them, he says he feels guilty since “he has a girlfriend” and that we should stop. • Contact is so infrequent, when we catch up about my life, he gets annoyed if I mention I'm seeing any guys, but I never think he really cares because he stopped caring about me a long time ago. (If he ever did at all.)

• I still tried for months to maintain any kind of relationship with him because I truly thought we had something special, but he was always too busy for me. It fucking sucked because he was always in the back of my mind now that I was *~independent~* like he said he wanted me to be so many times.

• One random day when I was too busy to chat with him, I remember he actually DID call me because he said he lost a sound file and wanted me to record myself saying "I really like it." A few times to use on a track. I guess I took too long to get back bc 15 mins later, he texted to say he got it from someone else. I couldn't do it anyway because I was dealing with some other personal stuff. I forgot about it soon after. • I didn't listen to the album NSVB for a long time after it came out bc I was still hurt, but when I did.... I heard that fucking sound bite in whatever song it's on (I really don't care to know) and it fucked me up. • I was conflicted thinking, shit, did I blow my last chance for "us" ? I was still hung up on this asshole as if he were just some ex because of that emotional manipulation. • Would that have solidified what we supposedly had? Or would that have just been another way he used me? I began to resent him.

• Fast forward a few months and I'm drunk with my girl friend at home and text Bassnectar for the lols. I say that I should ask him for tickets to BASSLIGHTS 2013 in VA to make up for him being such an asshole. • Surprisingly he agrees on the condition that I only go with girl friends, don't do any drugs, and say that the Tix are left for me because I interviewed him. (Don't forget that no interview ever happened!)

• Before Basslights, he texts me and even asks me what songs he should play and I don't realize he's just stringing me along. Presumably it was just another plot to hook up. • Before we leave for VA, my friend who is driving admits that one of her OTHER friends secretly knows Bassnectar so we might be able to get into some party or backstage. Sooooo I guess she was another one of his "harem" that he was having a secret relationship with. (I don't mean anything negative towards that girl/woman, just that Bassnectar probably saw us this way and was playing *at least* the two of us at this time.) • My friends and I drive from NYC to VA and miss Bassnectar's set the first night because we arrived late, but the Tix were waiting for me at the box office. • If you get Bassnectar's guest list for Basslights 2013, my real name is on there. I'm sure a lot of other girls he manipulated are on there, too. • Bassnectar texts me and asks what I think of the show and I say I missed it. • He says he was thinking of me a lot during the show. • He texts me saying I should let him "vroom vroom in my girl power." Obviously he's alluding to sex, and I show the text to the friend who was at my place when I asked him for the Tix. He won't send a cab to get me at my hotel when I say sure, though, because he "has a girlfriend" again and he would feel bad. Maybe he was annoyed that I missed his set, maybe he picked someone else, maybe he actually was with his gf? Whatever. • I told him I didn't feel comfortable texting like that anymore because he said he had a gf. • He tells me I'm a good person.

• I am so hurt that I don't answer his texts at all anymore. • We go to Basslights night 2 and I get suuuuper fucked up with my friends (because fuck him) and have an awesome time and disassociate Bassnectar from his controlling bullshit. • I ignore him all the way back to NYC and just text to say I'm home. • He sends me an URGENT text saying that his gf suddenly found out about his gross infidelity and begs me to please delete all of our emails and texts. • I'm stupid and kind and fucking over him so I do it. He knew I would because he knew I was too nice of a person not to. • Bye bye evidence, though. :(  I regret deleting those emails even now because I knew this misconduct shit would come out eventually with him.

• LOTS OF TIME PASSES. Now and again, Bassnectar would text me just to say what's up and I'd barely respond. This only happened approximately once a year. • I'm pretty sure this was just to make sure he was on my good side and there wasn't a chance that I was going to expose him. • I think the last time he texted me first was all the way back in 2016.

• The last few times we spoke were when he had a cancer scare and I texted to say sorry. • When I went to Moonrise Festival, I asked if we could meet and he blew me off. It's been so long, I didn't really expect him to say yes, but it was worth a try. • When me and my friends went to Electric Zoo and he closed, I texted him saying that we couldn't hear well from where we stood and left early. I think he was offended because he replied saying that no one else complained. • The last time I spoke to him, I knew he was playing at an event near me and asked for tickets again so I could see him and he said he would be with his girlfriend. It was a one-off thing and I thought it was worth the try. •There were no cordial conversations in-between the times I contacted him at all. Just me being lonely and single and still hanging on to this idyllic version of him that never fucking existed in the first place. 

• I'm much older now and I know that a lot of this happened because of choices I made, but I was 22, starstruck, in a confusing relationship, partying, and desperate for an ethereal love that I sought in that music scene.

• I bet Bassnectar specifically targeted girls like me because (at least in my case) I was depressed, pumped full of mind-altering chemicals, pretty, and lonely. He acted like I was a unique, artistic, lost soul and he made me believe that he was the only one who could save me.

• At 22, you don't realize that a man 13+ years older than you shouldn't be asking you to keep your conversations a secret from everyone, asking you for nudes, asking you to lie to/break up with your boyfriend, inviting you to hotels, offering you gifts, and straight up giving you cash that you didn't ask for.

• But that man DEFINITELY knows he's doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be sharing that hush money with you, or asking you to hide and delete everything.

• Because he would text me once in a while saying something like, "You cross my mind all the time," it would be enough for me to hang on to this hope that *maybe* there was still a chance. I couldn't see that it was just another manipulation tactic that worked well on me because I was still feeling the effect of the emotional annihilation from so long ago. :(

• I loathe how he made me feel for so long and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other girls who were taken advantage of in worse ways by this egotistical LIAR in his position of power. Seriously, Bassnectar, fuck you.

ALSO: not sure if this was his burner phone or what, but here are the last two digits of the # he always contacted me with (sent in the DM). If any other victims want to corroborate by comparing numbers... Let me know.

(I REMOVED THE SCREENSHOT OF THE PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT VIOLATES ANY DOX RULES, BUT I CAN SEND IT TO YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU ARE CONTACT WITH ME!) :)

---

[charlies-crashcourses]

Charlie’s College Crash Course #1: How to write a 10-page paper in 1 day

Background info first: I’m in the last year of my English undergrad degree and I’ve had to write at least 3 dozen 10+ page papers in that time. That being said, I’ve never once started writing a paper more than a few days in advance, and 9 times out of 10 I go for one day only. Honestly, this should be considered my trademark at this point because after all my high school AP courses and my English degree, it’s been going on 7 years of 1 day papers.

and so, dear friends, I would like to pass on this skill to you all. I should mention, none of this will work if you’re not already pretty solid on paper writing, i.e. if you only ever get C’s on your papers now this isn’t magically going to get you up to an A with one day. This is just to streamline the process, allowing for more time for other things or, more commonly, allowing you to not freak the fuck out when you realize the deadline is tonight at midnight and you’ve procrastinated all month on the final paper for your class.

(I should also mention that I’m currently procrastinating a 2.5k word paper due tomorrow night that I’ve only read one of two books for, so. There’s that.)

Anyway, without further ado, here we fucking go:

Step 1: Prep for the Day

this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, so make sure you prep the day accordingly. Ideally, you’d wake up before noon, make sure there’s nothing else planned for the day, and tell your roommates/parents to leave you alone until you officially reemerge at midnight (or, if you’re in college and have a 24 hr library, try going there. Mine has closed off study rooms that I can chill in, but if you’rs doesn’t just find a relatively comfy quiet spot). If you’re at home, pick one spot, clear it off super quick, grab some snacks and energy drinks, make sure you have everything charged and ready to go. I don’t recommend cafes or the like simply because there’s lots of distractions and also those places close before midnight, so you can’t stay there the entire time and therefor waste time moving halfway through.

Also, I would recommend taking a break between all the steps after this one. Don’t let the break take too long, but just long enough to walk the block, or grab another snack, or do some stretches, or watch a ten minute video, something like that. I personally never break at a natural stopping point, because then I’ll never get back to it, but how you break is up to you.

Step 2: Preliminary Research

now normally I do some preliminary research beforehand. Basically looking into the topic, figuring out generally what resources would be best, etc. That can usually be done in five to ten minute bursts throughout the week or so before the due date, whenever the topic comes to mind.

But then again, I’ve also procrastinated that until the very end as well, so. Usually all that takes if you go for the day of is some quick google scholar searches, or if you have access to the MLA database that works as well. Or, if you’re more like me, you could just deep dive on wikipedia and check out what relevant facts pertain to what numbers in the bibliography, then go ahead and cite those wherever possible.

Basically, get a good base knowledge of the big facts. This step should be quick and dirty. For instance, for my paper my sophomore year on Robespierre (14 pages written in a record 6 hours) I combed through his wiki, some websites on the French Revolution, and watched the Crash Course youtbue video on the subject. The rest of the research was done after I did my first outline. 

Step 3: Outline #1

This is just a basic “What the fuck am I talking about” outline. It can be bullet points, numbers, stream of consciousness, i don’t care as long as it works for you. 

For the Robespierre paper, my first outline was something to the effect of: -born poor -school -elected to govt -took over govt -killed people -got killed

and that was it. It’s like, before you build a house you have to clear off the right amount of land, make sure there’s nothing in your way, and give yourself a vague area in which to build. Super simple stuff.

I did get some advice, from somewhere I can’t remember, that a paragraph is basically equal to half a page, and so (excluding one page length for your intro + conclusion) you should have around two paragraphs or ideas per page. So my outline above would need some more points, there, to keep me on track for my page count. I eventually added a whole paragraph about how he was chosen to read for a visiting King Louis at his school and was then ignored which made him hate the monarchy, and another about what happened after he died what with the government in shambles, etc etc. So two bullet points per page should do it.

Step 4: More Research

This is where you get a little more in depth. Look at your bullet points and learn everything you need to about them. 

For my first bullet, I found stuff like: “Robespierre was born in France in 1758 as Maximilien François Marie Isidore de Robespierre (the third of this name), to a lawyer and the daughter of a brewer, he had two siblings, and he could read by age eight. he also loved pigeons and started a lifelong feud with his sister over one that he gave her that she let die."

and then I would move on to the next bullet point, and so on and so forth, filling in the gaps. Make sure to keep track of where your info comes from, as well. It doesn’t have to be a full citation, but just the hyperlink after the fact is going to save you so much time, i promise

Pro Tip: don’t throw out anything as irrelevant just yet. Just gather all the facts, no judging. Trust me on this.

Step 5: Better Outline

this is where you start to have fun with it. I would like to remind you that no one, unless you have some crazy micromanaging professor, sees your outlines. This is for you and you only, so write it in whatever way makes sense to you. It can be colorful and fun and whatever you need it to be.

 I actually took screenshots of my outline for that robespierre paper (hence why i chose that one as an example) so here’s a look at what I do:

so, really, honestly, as shitty as you need this to be, or as many jokes, or whatever works for you my dude. Explain it like you would if it were a story you were telling, not a biographical/argumentative paper. Get informal with it.

Step 6: Write the Damn Thing

Okay to now that you did the research and wrote your fun outlines and all that, all you have to do now is write it! I tend to do this in the same doc as I do my outline, but starting again from the top so I can see what I need to add next right under where I’m typing, then delete it once I’ve covered the material. 

If you did your outline well, this is really just cleaning that up so it’s “school appropriate” and “not an affront to people’s eyes and sensibilities” or whatever. At this point, it should go super quick, maybe 2 hours max to finish up writing what you need to write, here.

Pro Tip: do your citations as you go. Better yet, make your bibliography first so that A its already done and B you know what your in text cites will be from the start so that you don’t have to add them in later. If you kept your hyperlinks next to your research, just open up citationmachine and get those cites, then replace the links in your outline with the actual citations so it’s easier to line them up with in text cites while you go

Step 7: Fudging

oh, you thought we were done after writing the paper? nah fam. Chances are, you didn’t hit the page count you wanted to, you’re probably around 1 full page short, unless you love long sentences. This is where my pro tip from all the way back on step 4 comes in.

First, before you do anything drastic, make sure your formatting is correct. If your prof wants the big long “name, date, class, assignment, etc” in the top left then that adds a lot of length. Fonts will also change your page length, and so will footnotes and citations.

If you did it right and saved all the less relevant details, congratulations! Just sprinkle a few of those in there and you’re magically at your page count. This is the only reason I included the pigeon story in my paper (and this post), because I was about 3/4 of a page short of passably saying I got to 14.

If you didn’t save those inane details, don’t go looking for them now. Trust me, it’s much more pain than it’s worth. Your best bet, then, would be to either A. Add one more point if you can think one up, B. do some more research for relevant details to add in, or C. expand on the details you already have with more examples or effects or whatever applies.

do not, i repeat do NOT, just try and expand the words you use, like changing “to” into “in order to” or whatever those deflate your phrases charts tell you Not to do. They tell you not to for a reason. 1. it sounds stupid adding them in after the fact, and 2. your professor absolutely 100% will know and will mark you down if you do that in excess. Inflated phrase charts like that are well known by professors, and also adding them in after the fact won’t fit in at all with the voice that the rest of your paper was written in, so it’ll stand out like a sore thumb. just don’t do it unless it’s your last possible “i have ten minutes to turn this in” effort.

Step 8: Celebrate!!

And that’s it! If you did it right, this whole process should have taken you around the equivalent of 1 hour per page you had to write or so, so in a regular twelve hour day you’ve got time to take breaks and eat and all that shit. Go turn it in and celebrate your victory!

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 170

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 22 - “Milk Runs Away and Causes Mass Chaos!” Date watched: 7 January 2020 Original air date: 8 July 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/Em3LtfV Transformation Gallery: https://imgur.com/a/6k6SzS0 Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

and a bitch

I guess I can’t keep harping on Milk forever. She found herself alone in a hostile world not built for her, had to survive by whatever means necessary, and when she finally finds the people that it’s her responsibility to help, she can’t do anything for them. She has a superiority complex that is extremely at odds with her capacity to actually be useful, so she lashes out at others instead. Where does this get her? Let’s find out.

The Plot

Milk tries to help at Natts House as they prepare for a big sale, but only gets in the way of the others, so she tries to put herself on sale. However, Coco and Nuts explain that her plan to sell herself, sneak back, and sell herself again repeatedly is fraud and they will not allow it, so she feels sad and helpless.

this is the sad climb, use it for sad times

Meanwhile Arachnea is feeling the pressure when her quarterly bonus turns out to be zero, so she stops by Natts House just in time to see Milk run away. She follows Milk for a few blocks and then kidnaps her, and the gang follows them to an aquarium. Arachnea uses an enchanted jellyfish to hold Milk hostage and electrocute her while she turns another jellyfish into a Kowaina and demands the Dream Collet in exchange for Milk.

The girls respond that they’re getting Milk back, and she’s not getting the collet, before they transform. Arachnea points out that Milk ran away of her own volition because she thinks the girls hate her, and they respond that they don't; while sometimes you have to be stern with your friends, it’s in her best interest, and they still consider her a valuable companion. Arachnea doubles down on her threat by dangling Milk over a tank of piranhas.

as one does

The Kowaina captures the girls in its tentacles, but they manage to free Lemonade, who frees the rest of them, and they rescue Milk before destroying the monster, and Arachnea flees without either the fairy OR the Dream Collet. The girls assure Milk again that they value her and all return to the shop.

A few days later, in the aftermath of the sale, Coco and Nuts tell the girls how Milk has been more amenable since then, and she apologizes for making them worry. Komachi shows up with a copy of the Cinq Lumieres Times, where Mika has written a piece complimenting Milk, who she believed was a stuffed animal. Milk takes the compliment to heart and returns to her boastful self, claiming to be much more refined than Nozomi, that they are as different as Heaven and Hell. The other girls are surprised to hear her use that phrase, and it turns out she is actually very studious and approximately the same relative age as them. The episode closes with Milk taunting Nozomi while being chased around the shop.

The Analysis

If you remember in episode 11, where I observed that Nozomi was exhibiting ADHD symptoms, I think we might have another sincere portrayal of mental illness in Milk. She seems to be displaying traits of a superiority complex. She sees herself as better than all of the girls, and her responsibility is solely to Coco and Nuts. However, the reality of her small body and inability to assume human form (yet) are at odds with this and clash with her vision of herself, creating feelings of inferiority. If this sounds contradictory, all I can say is that there are different interpretations of what a superiority complex is, and that I’m not a doctor. The point is, her high opinion of herself contrasts with her actual capacity for help and results in her feeling useless and unwanted. Even after she’s rescued, she seems to still be shaken by the experience, and is all around quieter and less enthusiastic than normal. However, a quick confidence boost is the perfect thing to snap her back to her usual self.

Milk’s struggle to find a purpose in a world that isn’t made for her is actually very fascinating. Despite her normally forceful demeanor, we see her vulnerable side as well. Since she’s small, ordinary things like birds and dogs seem frightening to her, and you can sympathize with her. Combined with the revelation at the end of the episode that she’s equivalent to Nozomi’s age, you start to realize that she’s really just a child putting on a strong front. She has thus far survived by exploiting people’s sympathy, and it seems to be her only useful skill. She pretends to be a stuffed animal, steals the person’s food that picks her up, and then finds her next victim. She plans to use this strategy again in order to bring in money for the shop. It’s mean, but it’s also the only thing she feels she can do to help out since she can’t mop, can’t move furniture, can’t be a salesperson, etc. Coco and Nuts also don’t really need any caretaking, they’re very self-sufficient. She implied in the previous episode that she could cook, so maybe there’s that, but I don’t believe she ever gets the chance to demonstrate this. Effectively, the only thing she can do for the shop is to serve as a mascot and attract customers with her cuteness, which is what Mika does and how she writes about her in the paper. Of course, being treated as an object of desire pys right back into Milk’s ego, but it doesn’t mean she’s not good at it regardless. Although I don’t believe it ever happens again, she just stays out of the way when there’s business to be done.

Over in Nightmare we begin to see some real consequences. Sure, Bunbee has complained about budget cuts before and there’s always someone griping, but this time we actually see a direct result of their failure to get the Dream Collet, in the form of no pay for Arachnea OR Bunbee. The rest of the season will continue to explore the ramifications of their ongoing failure, and in fact the very next episode will showcase Girinma being given his final chance to succeed. Nightmare hasn’t been as cliche evil as the Dusk Zone or Dark Fall were, and their goal is even more vaguely defined, but their consequences seem to carry more weight. In the FW shows, villains either recurred every episode until they were destroyed, or they rotated, but either way their individual losses didn’t seem to matter much to the top brass. Splash Star came close, but every time a villain was given their final chance, they wound up being destroyed by the Precures in that episode anyway. Here, we’re beginning to see some actual feedback, and I enjoy that.

The battle in the aquarium - both the physical fight and the clash of words - was really good on all fronts. Arachnea was right that Milk ran away of her own volition, suggesting she didn’t want to be around the team, and they had no right to demand her return. However, the girls give a really great speech in return: they explain that Coco had to be stern with her for a reason, because that’s what friends do sometimes, and that he and Nuts were still overjoyed that she found them. Komachi and Karen declare her a true friend to them. It’s a great exchange of ideals. Physically, there’s a lot of moving around and they make good use of the environment. I especially like the part where the Kowaina traps all the girls in its tentacles, so Dream wriggles around until she can dive into Lemonade, giving her enough room to escape and use Lemonade Splash on the monster to cause it to release its grip on them. Then Aqua tricks Arachnea into latching webs onto her so she can distract the villain while Rouge rescues Milk from her precarious perch:

Changing gears and winding this thing down, I want to say a quick bit about how Milk literally moves around through the world. As seen in the gif higher up, her ears are prehensile, so she can use them like arms to pick herself up and navigate obstacles such as stairs. Coco and Nuts tend to just jump but she lifts herself. It’s clever.

All told this was a very strong episode about Milk struggling to find a place and a role for herself, and the girls coming to appreciate her presence in their lives. It lays the foundation for a lot of Milk’s character growth in the 20s and 30s, as well as teasing just how badly Nightmare’s agents are doing, which will play into the next episode. 23 and 24 are a two-parter, the mid-season climax, and some of the best episodes of the whole show. To that end I’ll be posting the reviews of them back to back, even if it means delaying them a bit. Considering I have been sitting on this review for the better part of a month, that may not mean much, but regardless, look forward to some DESPAIR next time!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 0 kettei!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #268

“i got a switchblade wit that cuts like a bitch, and i think you two should meet.”

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? If you’ve never been in a relationship before, do you watch Scrubs? Jason and I knew each other like... I think two or three weeks? We clicked so fast. Are you a fan of inside jokes or do you tend to stay away from them? I... don't feel a particular way? Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? No, I'm not into theater. Which movies currently out in theaters do you want to see? I don't know what's in theaters right now, but I don't think anyone does rn lol. Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? If it's seriously incessantly, yes. There's not a lot you can say to have a conversation when they just ramble about the person, especially when you don't even know the partner. How close would you say you are to your relatives? Not very. What’s your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales. If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? Well, I'd assume my parents will be dead by that point, so. Probably my best friend. If you play the Sims games, which one is your favorite? I've only ever played Sims Animals, which I looooved back in the past. I haven't played it in years, though. If your parents searched your room, would they be mad at what they’d find? No. Ever taken a picture kissing somebody? Yes. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? Morning is a great start to the day, but only after your teeth are brushed. I cannooooot do morning breath. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Aggressive. I am such a sub lmao. How serious are your feelings for the person you like? I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWWWW Ever had your driver's license suspended? Don't have mine to begin with. Does the person you like know that you like them? Yes. How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Somewhat rarely lately, less than I did some months back. I would read some pretty big chunks. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? LMAOOOOOOOOO I'm not exaggerating at all when I say that's like, a daily occurrence. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? I'm trying to think of something I haven't said before, but I'm not sure. OH, it may seem like a small thing, but letting balloons go outside. It's littering. Many end up in the ocean. What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? A car ride riding shotgun with music blaring. I fucking love it. What was the last big change through which you went? Some moral beliefs altered. ^ Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? Fuck no. It blows up my anxiety. How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I used to feel kinda guilty, and I actually still do, but it's more subdued. It's just too normal by now, to the point when I'm bored, I sometimes briefly forget there are other things to do that aren't on the computer. God it's sad. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? I'M BIG SCARED OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! What do you consider the best part of being who you are? I'm really understanding and can relate to people's pain well. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Christ, a lot. My room is STUFFED with decorations that make me happy.  There's posters, some artwork, all my Silent Hill game cases or manuals + more SH stuff, meerkats galore, Venus is in here, I have this "shrine" for Teddy... I've got a load of stuff. What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? I love a lotta stuff, ig. Animals, music, dark stuff, games. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? UMMMMM I should have a question for this fucking immediately. I'm sure it was something when I was at Ashley's inlaws for Mother's Day. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? My knowledge of meerkats lmaooo. Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? FUCKIN ANXIETY. Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? No, I love love love giving compliments!! When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Hm. I guess nightmares where I literally flail and attack shit while shrieking. Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? I dress entirely for myself. What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? Binge music I can relate to. Which can make it worse, but sometimes helps. I'll usually get to the point of being teary and cry a bit, but then I start feeling better. Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? I guess it's not really an... insult, per se, but I hear "you're too quiet!" all the time. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? Everything happens for a reason. Nope. What is something you hope you never have to do again? Deal with another Jason-level heartbreak. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? I'm actually not sure. Not a fan of any that I can think of. Do you know anyone who had a kid before they were financially stable? Oh yeah, plenty normal nowadays. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? Yes, the pink bead necklace from my sister's baby shower for Emerson. Sometimes I hang my purse there too. Why did you move to where you're living now? We got evicted for not being able to keep up with rent and needed a cheap but semi-decent place to live. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? I remember I was grounded from the computer for at least a week, maybe more. My punishment was always taking technology away and/or spanked or popped on the arm. I remember she once hit my arm so damn hard that I had her handprint there for a while. My mom was horrible at *keeping* me and my sisters grounded, though; she'd normally calm down within a few days and things would return to normal. What was the topic of conversation the last time you spoke to a sibling? Ummm I don't remember. I should, I saw one just a couple days ago. Are you currently looking for a new job? I don't have a job currently, but while Mom has cancer and surgery coming up, I'm not really looking, but pondering opportunities. She'd have to drive me, which just can't be done right now, and I'm also not comfortable leaving her home alone right now. Who is the person you are the closest to? (emotionally, not physically) Mom. What was the last caffeinated drink you had? Do you drink this often? Strawberry Sunkist, and ugh, too much lately. Whose photo did you last look at? I was on Facebook a bit ago, so someone's on there. Who was the last person to pick you up? You mean like, physically? I don't know, probably Girt because he got a kick out of our height difference and he would do that when we hugged. What are you wearing around your neck? Nothing right now. Have you accidentally mistaken a stranger for someone you know? Oh my god, yes. I did that at the tattoo parlor once at a guy that looked like my sister's ex, who I got along with well. He looked at me like "uhhhhh" and it will haunt me forever. Who did you last blow a kiss at? Venus. I do that and wave a lot when she comes out of her hide and looks my way. Have you ever seen lava in real life? No. Who did you last bite? Um I don't just casually go around biting people lmao. Probably Jason. Do you remember the date of your prom? Ha, it's honestly surprising to me that I don't recall the date of either, considering how I remember, y'know, a weird amount of obscure details through our entire time knowing each other. Was your last kiss long and sensual or short and sweet? Why’s that? Short and sweet, because it was just a goodbye kiss. When kissing, do you like to be on top or bottom? Good Lord, am I a bottom. I hated being on top because I felt he had a better view of me and my body, and I was self-conscious as shit even when I was fit. Does your boyfriend/husband know what size your boobs are? UHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't have a boyfriend but I've sure never actually talked about it with any. Do you have hair extensions or do you think those are strictly for the scene kids? ..... No? I don't wear extensions, never have, but wearing them doesn't tie you to a label??? List all the things you have from your boyfriend at your house right now? Not everyone has a boyfriend, friend. Last time you exercised and for how long? I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF THIS lkja;dslkfjwe Last girl who called you hot/sexy/something else of the sort? I shared a picture of myself on Facebook for once just the other day, so let's so. *checks* HAHA MY MOM. #1 cheerleader, friends. OH I should probably clarify she said "gorgeous," but I guess that counts? Was she hitting on you? Jfc no. Last guy who called you hot/sexy/something else of the sort? Does getting a comment from Ian of a Spongebob screenshot of Squidward with heart eyes count? lol Was HE hitting on you? *shrugs* He's very open with sharing love for his friends though, so it very well could've been just friendly support. Have you ever taken the 5,000 question survey? Parts of it, and God did it get stupid. What would you do if your boyfriend/husband got drafted into war tomorrow? I. Am single. And not everyone. Is interested in guys. But hypothetically, I would fucking panic. I physically wouldn't be able to handle an s/o in the army; I would constantly, absolutely constantly, be actively fearful. We'd have to find a way to get him out of it. Has a guy ever touched your butt without permission? If so, how did this make you feel? I don't believe so, thank God. How many formal dresses do you own? Sun-dresses? I have two prom dresses (which I'm finally comfortable enough to get rid of at some point) and I think like... one or two other black knee-length dresses that I could now never fit into? What do you hope you grow out of? Social anxiety. It ruins many parts of my life. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? Healthy? Oh fuck. I, uh, usually have one bottle of water, I guess? Unhealthy, definitely drink soda. I need to stop. When looking for a SO, what three things are most important (besides looks)? Kindness, patience, and compassion or understanding. How much do you judge a person by their appearance? Define "judge" here. Like, I can conclude someone is impoverished or well off in many cases, but I don't judge them as people. What is the most embarrassing thing you own? Hm. I'm unsure. What is the strangest habit you have? I don't think I have odd habits. What movie made you cry the most? The Notebook or Old Yeller, I think. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Realizing I was getting a dog for Christmas. Fuck, I miss Teddy. What belief do you have that most people disagree with? I'd rather not get political right now. Who or what inspires you to be a better person? I fucking hate admitting it, but Jason. The last thing he told me was to stop saying "I'll try" but rather "I will," and I actually recently almost had a breakdown about it because I shouldn't put SO much value into what he says, make it holy "rules." I treat him like a god in so many ways. Still, in my stupid head, his word is law. I still want to make him so proud. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? Long-distance was getting extremely hard, but I think the bigger factor was that we both have problems we need to work on before we can properly support one another. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.) I guess... no. I'd be too afraid of it being any worse than it already feels. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time? Political and religious beliefs I don't at all like admitting I had. Where would you like to retire? Hell if I know, that's a long whiles away. What brings you the most joy in life? Oh yikes. Family and close friends, probs. What was the last song that got stuck in your head? "Blush" by Jeffree Star is on repeat ahhhh What is something you enjoy doing, but aren’t good at? Drawing people. I don't really do it BECAUSE I'm not very good. In art in general, I have a hard time with proportions. Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating. Strawberries, apples, a lotta other fruits, broccoli, there are these granola and cashew bars I LOVE, salad can be good, scrambled eggs... now I'm blanking. Like there are a lot of foods that can be on either end of the spectrum, depending on how they're prepared. Do you ever eat dry cereal as a snack to munch on? Any particular kind? No, generally too crunchy and dry. When you run out of something to drink & are thirsty, are you quick to retrieve a new beverage or are you lazy about it? It depends on how thirsty I am and what I'm doing at that moment. What is your favorite part of a slice of pizza? BITCH all of that motherfucker. What was the longest power outage you ever experienced? Two or so days. I was so, so scared for Venus because it was in the winter. Poor girl was scared. I had to let her inside my hoodie and shirt to use my warmth for a lengthy period at a time, there were blankets draped over her terrarium... I was genuinely afraid she was going to die. But nope, my baby is good and thriving. :'D Do you believe that children should do all of the chores around the house, or do you think the parents should do them? Or do you have an entirely different opinion? As someone who was raised with chores poorly enforced and now I suck at doing them, they should ABSOLUTELY be a required thing. Children shouldn't do *all* the chores though, of course, especially those involving serious chemicals. Have you ever painted a pet’s nails, or known someone that has done such? Do you think that is cruel? I haven't, but I suppose it depends on whether it's toxic or not and if the animal doesn't mind? I do know people who have. What is something you did as a child that you didn’t realize back then was “wrong”, if anything? I didn't know interracial relationships were perfectly fine. It's funny, I don't recall me seeing black as any less than whites, I just thought it wasn't supposed to happen. Being raised in the South does that, ig. Do you get an excessive amount of bug bites during spring/summertime? Are you one to itch constantly or can you control yourself? No, I've heard because I have A-type blood. Whenever my sister (O-type) and I used to play outside, she would always come in COVERED in mosquito bites, and she's still a magnet for them today. Supposedly bugs don't prefer A, but O the most. I do itch, though. Holy shit, do I itch. Do you own any sports equipment [balls, basketball goals, mitts, etc] that you rarely use? No. Could you ever willingly hunt down & shoot an innocent animal for sport? Over my dead fucking body. Would you be uncomfortable changing someone else’s baby’s diaper? Ugh, I have twice I believe, and I hated it. Have/would you ever want to own a pet frog, or do you think they would be too boring? I don't think I've ever caught and kept one? I don't mind "boring" pets, I just don't desire one. What internet/television provider do you use? Fucking CenturyLink. Stay away from it. Are you uncomfortable going out in public with leg stubble? Even if it’s so light that no one would notice it unless they were looking for it? That much, no. Now I literally haven't shaved my legs in over a whole year because it's not like anyone sees them, but holy fuck would I be mortified if someone did lol. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. I'm terrified to because of tornados. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? No. What’s your favorite piece of furniture in your house? ...? If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? I'd want to, but it'd be Mom's decision. Favorite type of cracker: Cheez-Its. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: Spiders, especially when they're making their webs.

[bubblelliot]

Here's my second character! I will also present their teammates a bit since the crew is much more like a family this time! (Might also add pics of the others in following posts and MAYBE of his animals too)

Særos Sandiel and The zookeepers

(This art is a picrew which I do not have the rights on, here is the link to it: https://picrew.me/image_maker/62745)

The name of the team mostly comes from a joke saying that "Mama Lyræ is our zookeeper and that we are the Zookeepers to a ton of pets. Also, Yarina can shapeshift into beasts sooooooo yeah.

Technicalities:

Særos is my very first character played in D&D. We actually started playing on the other game I talked about last time, but we switched to D&D. His character sheet is actually available on DND beyond, but I'm still gonna give details here.

Those are his attributes. (He actually got an additional point of charisma after I wrote this and was too lazy to take another screenshot sorry x) )

He is recorded as a high Elf, but is actually of two different bloodlines. He is VERY young for an elf, but his exact age is unknown (well yes but know, you'll see). He has 5 wizard and 2 cleric levels, making him currently level 7.

Equipment:

I am NOT gonna go through everything Særos has, cause that would be VERY long. He has a heavy armor, he has a staff of healing and a shortsword, but he mostly uses his magic. He also has, in his spellbook, a collection of dried flowers.

Familiars:

Særos has a TON of pets he acquired through the different quests the party went on. The first one is a frog named Lepiota he found wounded and saved. He then bought an old black cat he named Persephone (even if the cat is a male 😂). Finally, he also bought two ferrets (fluffy noodles ❤️❤️) which he named Elton and Freddy (this one was as a reference to one of our former player who really loves Elton John and Freddy Mercury). He loves them with all his heart and will absolutely kill anyone who tries to hurt his babies.

Allies:

Særos' main ally is, obviously, his twin, Edran. They are very similar, but Særos is usually pretty well kept with his short hair always brushed and his braids made every morning, whereas Edran is a bit shorter, more immature, usually pretty dirty with blood all over their clothes (which are poofy dressed he hides poison in 😂) and messy hair. There is also Lyræ. She is a paladin coming from far away lands. She is a human with elf ancestors and dragon blood. She has a wife and children and thus, she is pretty much the mom of the group. (The DM literally gave her two custom attacks she can use in RP: the flick of anger that gives 1pt of bludgeoning + 1pt of psychic damage and the disapproving look that gives 2pts of psychic damage everytime she does it + makes the target intimidated). Then, there is Finian, a human assassin. Finian and Særos are pretty neutral about each other, but Edran is in absolute admiration of him, so Særos is grateful that Finian doesn't just shatter his sibling's trust. The last member, who was actually someone that was rescued by the party, is Yarina. She is a very shy aasimar and is pretty much the definition of being pure EXCEPT she is obsessed with daggers (no joke, she has 23 of them). They were recently joined by a rogue elf called Adressin who actually attacked them at first.

Appearance:

This picrew is already pretty accurate. Særos (as well as Edran actually) has blond almost white hair, but it's actually fluffier than on the picture. He has two braids, one in front of each ear, a few freckles and red-pink eyes. He is very pale, quite small and very frail. He looks pretty androgynous and rather young, though he usually passes as a bit older since he is an elf.

Backstory and campaign:

So the campaign isn't really a big story like in Rhodrag's case, so I'll tell the party's story, but not the quests.

The twins' first memory is waking up in a bed, only knowing their name. They meet with the lovely wood elf lady who save them, and learn they were found in the sand by a nearby river. For that reason, they are given the last name "Sandiel".

They live a relatively normal life with her, for around 10 years, until they are attacked by drows. Their adopted mother successfully hides them by using magic and they learn they are wanted because they are part drow and part high-elf, meaning pretty much every every elven races will want to kill them. The woman successfully protects the twins. She is taken out of the house and, to this day, the twins don't know what happened of her, whether she was killed or taken.

They left and reached a nearby city. There, they survived by stealing and being street entertainers (for example, even if he has no rogue level, Særos is proefficient in stealth, sleight of hands, deception, etc. He also is proefficient in performance. He learned to sing, the art of divination and a bit of magic.)

One night though, Særos came back to their hiding place to find his sibling dead. All he could understand was that they died of both malnutrition and hypothermia.

Out of desperation, he tried every spell he knew, but nothing happened. He tried reanimation, but it had been to long. Out of despair, he prayed any god possible to help him, saying he couldn't live in this unfair world without Edran.

A god did answer. He is actually a god from the other game we started the campaign in before switching to DND.

He is called Nuodai the Trickster.

He offered a deal to Særos: he would bring back Edran and even guarantee him power and success, and in exchange, when Særos would be powerful enough, the Trickster would take his elven traits which hold part of his powers, as well as 200 years of his life. Out of desperation, Særos accepted.

He woke up the next morning. His sibling was by his side, clearly not dead, but not entirely alive. They were now a revived.

Things went on, Edran not knowing, and Særos eventually stopped thinking about the deal, only happy to have his twin back. They moved from the city, trying to reach a bigger one, and were, once again, attacked by drows. He used a spell to put his twin in safety and attacked the drows, but was, if course, neutralized.

He was taken and they made him a slave while they tried to capture Edran to kill them together.

Fast forward, Edran is taken into an underdark prison. He meets again with his brother and both if them are beaten up. They successfully defend though and they are thrown in a cell as it is decided they're are to be executed the next day. This is where they meet Lyræ and Finian.

They plan to escape as well as a few other NPCs. They are able to leave the cell and steal a bit of stuff while a vrock attacks the guards. They escape and reach a teleporter. There, Særos successfully brings everyone back to the surface. Newly free, they all start to look for a village. After properly introducing each others, they finally reach a tiny elf village. The twins stay as stealthy as possible but end up being noticed and attacked by guards. They then have a choice: they could be changed into simple would elves or they have to leave. Særos knows it's not gonna work on Edran, and bargains to be able to stay. At first, the headmaster threatens to kill him for that, but he ends up agreeing to let them in the city, guarded, until the night falls.

They then shop and leave the city.

They end up in a forrest Særos realizes is corrupted. There, they were attacked by a HUGE snake touched by the corruption. At first, everyone tries to kill it except Edran and quickly, Særos and Finian join them. Særos finally cuts the tip of it's tail where the corruption was and Edran and Finian calm it.

Lyræ is terrified of it and finally lets them all know that her best friend was killed by a giant snake who ate her alive. (This is freaking terrifying yo.)

In the end, a fight starts and Særos, enraged, leaves everyone and runs towards the center of the corruption. There he is attacked by corrupted elves and tree creatures we happily called Groots. Edran joins him and Særos basically rages (he used they most powerful spell he had and literally exploded them.

Edran, while attacking, starts gaining weird memories.

Fast forward to the end of the quest, Særos is happily searching for animals and flowers when he and Edran hear strange noises coming from a tree. Edran climbs it and a wood elf girl falls from the tree, before Edran jumps on her from the too of the tree.

The team introduced themselves to her and she happily talks to them. So yeah, that's how we met Nayhru.

The team reaches a weird village and after the whole snake incident, leaves the party for a while, promising to find them again soon and assuring she would always be closer than they think.

They reach the village which reveals to be a village of gnomes and there they meet with a gnome (who's player inspired the names of my furrets x) ) and a Goliath travelling together. They all find the village empty before being attacked by a troll and... Metal gnomes?

They kill them, uneager to die, and search the village. They find flowers in the middle of the village and Særos takes one for his collection. Særos and Edran are attacked by an ooze and at some point, the ooze attacks Edran just before being killed by Nayrhu. At that moment, Edran starts turning into a robot as well, with the corruption growing from their arm. Særos tries to cut off the arm, but us unable and the corruption takes Edran's whole body.

They leave the village and are able to find a Druid eager to help them make a cure for Edran and the gnomes, but he needs Elder sage. He describes it and Særos shows his flower to the Druid, who confirms it is Elder sage. They go back to the village to get flowers, cane back and turned Edran back into a flesh being.

And that's when they remembered dying and being brought back to life. Edran and Særos cried in each other's arms and then continued on.

They got in a cavern near the village from where the trolls always came. There, the found a girl, chained, with glowing wings. They freed her and she introduced herself as Yarina. (Fun fact: Yarina's player is my SO, and both Yarina and Særos have the spell suggestion, so when the crew found a the boss hiding something, we just made it run away. Nice. )

The team found a clockwork dragon and helped it. They then left again. Finian had to leave a couple times, and at some point, the team realized that, even if they are young, the twins were actually a lot older than they thought: They assumed Edran's death happened when they were around 13 and that it had been around 6 years, meaning Særos was actually around 19.

They were reunited with Lyræ and began other quests. In one of them, the team encountered a wishing fountain that filled any wish you had under certain conditions. Særos asked to know his whole story, from the lives of his parents up to now. The fountain gave him a magic book that tells his story and updates. It has no name so Særos just calls it The story book.

Some time passed and the team continued on. They were traveling to the capital until one night, Nayrhu and Edran caught a thief about to steal their stuff. They quickly stopped him and realized he was very young. Instead of kicking his butt, they woke up the whole team and decided together to bring him to the capital and help him make money to survive there. And that's how they met Adressin.

The zookeepers reached the capital where they are supposed to find Finian who joined outlaws he met in another quest.

Before finding Finian, they decided to do a few quests to earn money with Adressin.

Everyone through the day kept noticing Særos bring super bold, a lot bolder than he usually is, for example, telling Yarina who was wearing a magic dress that she looked "Incredibly beautiful" as if she was "made if pure light". No one really thought anything of it though and just shoved it away.

One night, they decided a drinking contest was a good idea and everyone joined except Adressin. The next morning, everyone was doing good, maybe a tad nauseous, except for Lyræ and Særos who were absolutely fucked up. They both used spells to heal their hangover, but Særos remained mildly unwell, choosing to go on their quest anyways.

Symptoms were the following:

-A headache that was mostly located to the top front of his head

-His low back itching and hurting a LOT

-His eyes feeling dry

No one really knew what was going on, some didn't even really notice.

As they went on with their first quest, they started noticing weird stuff about Særos' appearance: His hair looked more golden than white, as they used to, there were two bumps appearing on his forehead around the location of his headache, his eyes looked.... Weird...? But no one really saw anything peculiar, his skin, usually also white, now looked kinda pink.

He doesn't really notice the changes and doesn't understand what is happening which utterly FRIGHTENS him, but he hides it. Yarina started understanding what was happening and Edran out all the pieces together and now they know everything.

To be continued...

[gukseuphoria]

a response to fluffyjhs

Alternative title - Exposing Luna: A Receipt-Filled Thread

Disclaimer 1: I didn’t want to do this, I never wanted to make this a public affair but she has been harassing my friends and I’m DONE, officially. She’s been self-victimizing for months and obsessing and stalking my friend and I’m not having it. And now she’s “exposed” us on tumblr. Enough is enough.

Disclaimer 2: obviously, for my friends’ safety, I will be censoring the names and handles of those who do not want to be mentioned, but who still wanted their part of the story to be included. But y’all can come at me all you want.

I’ll put this under a cut to save peoples’ dashes, but PLEASE read it if you are in ANY WAY involved with Alice/fluffyjhs. Thank you.

So.

Our group of friends knew her as “Luna”, but she’s known currently as Alice, and her current blog handle is “fluffyjhs”. Just because I personally knew her during her time as Luna, I’m going to address her as so, although I doubt it is her real name.

Luna joined our network I think in mid-October 2018 along with a wave of other new members. At first, everything seemed relatively normal: she talked with other members and made friends. It should be known that one of the members of the network - Phi, @guksdimple - was taking time off of the chat for personal reasons.

The first thing that weirded me out was that Luna was acting as if she knew Phi personally. I didn’t think too much of it, I figured they were mutuals. I’m personally close with Phi and so I asked her if she wanted me to say hi to Luna for her. She then told me that she didn’t follow Luna before nor did she know her until now. (I know this sounds random but it will be important for later points.)

Minor issue. Amongst her other habits, it was weird, but not too off-putting.

(Other habits include: leaving the chat randomly only to ask to join back a little later; jumping into any conversation Hoseok-related in a retrospectively possessive manner; whining when one of her messages was ignored (in a very busy, approximately 30-person group chat).)

Luna didn’t start truly off-putting members until another member - whom I will call Chloe - came to the admins of the network (Phi, Bri @starjeon and I) to confess that she felt ignored and even looked down upon by Luna. Chloe and Luna had made contact before being members of the network and it was awkward to say the least. Chloe wanted to be friends with Luna but Luna was very cold with her. Regardless, Chloe tried to be friendly with Luna until it was obvious that it would not be reciprocated.

Here are some screenshots of conversation snippets between Chloe and Luna. While not directly rude, you can see the passive-aggressiveness present. (sorry for the weird format. Blame Chloe, dsibfsf)

(in case you can’t read it: “you really have a lot of love to show right? lol”)

(Chloe only sent 3 pictures and Luna asked her not to “spam”, despite sending MULTIPLE messages at a time in the past herself)

Until then, the admins had decided to simply keep an eye on the situation to avoid drama, as while it seemed passive-aggressive, there was no proof of her intentions, and Chloe agreed. However, this all changed when Chloe received an anon message.

I could go into a deep analysis as to how we concluded that this message was from Luna - typing habits, mostly (notice the over-excessive use of commas and run-on sentences) - but the biggest proof is possibly this message she sent before leaving the network chat, suspiciously around the same time the ask was sent.

Now I’m no detective, but these are the things Luna and this “anon” have in common: 1) the excessive comma use and run on sentences 2) calling Chloe an attention-seeker 3) the ask also parallels Luna’s earlier behaviour about her self-given superiority about being an ARMY for 4 years (”everyone saw the things you keep droping aren’t like everyone is new to the fandom”) - as opposed to Chloe’s 2 months and 4) commenting on Chloe’s eagerness and cheery attitude. 

After Luna left - of her own volition and out of annoyance towards Chloe - us network admins felt the need to inform the other members on the situation because of the ask. Following this, many members soft blocked/unfollowed Luna because of this.

Luna noticed this really quickly and immediately dm’d almost every. single. member. that unfollowed her. Here are just two for length’s sake, but many members received similar messages.

This, of course, sparked a minor panic within the network. It’s like Luna was waiting for the fallout to happen, keeping an eye on her mutual status with the members of the network. 

And so, as a mod of the network - and to spare Phi the drama considering her own issues - I decided to confront her on behalf of everyone. (As you can see, I’m doing the same thing now, lol.) I’ll include the most interesting parts of my own conversation with Luna. I’m known for being aggressive-aggressive when it comes to defending and protecting my friends, and it shows here. (The contact name is “(Unknown)” because Luna blocked me at the end of this conversation and eventually deleted this kkt id)

Following my conversation with her - which, as you can see, has NO MENTION of Chloe - Chloe receives messages from Luna. NO ONE has told Luna that Chloe was the one who received hate mail, or that Chloe was the one who felt harassed by her.

It’s with these messages that, in my point of view, Luna traps herself. She proves that she sent the ask and that she was PURPOSEFULLY being passive aggressive to Chloe. With that, she was officially banned from the network, and many members of the network blocked her as a precaution to avoid being harassed by her for “answers”.

It should be said that NONE of the members sent hate to, or bullied Luna. The closest thing that could be considered hate were MY messages confronting her and calling her out. She’s claiming we were bullying her but really we just unfollowed her. That’s the worst any other member had done.

Chloe was also in another network with Luna, and so Phi decided to contact the admin of this network simply to warn her that trouble might surface between those two and offered a few screenshots as context. (Chloe later left the other network because she couldn’t handle seeing Luna acting all friendly with others in there, in fear that she would use them to turn on her.)

With that, we thought that the situation was finished.

However, it wasn’t.

Luna continued to send messages to Phi overtime even AFTER she was kicked from the network. This is where my earlier passage about her weird “friendship” with Phi comes in.

Luna persistently tried to form a friendship with Phi despite Phi not really engaging with her. Phi, who was already going through personal issues at the time, did not wish to confront Luna and deal with her drama, and instead tried to slowly separate herself from her. When Luna came to her about having a panic attack, all Phi told her was to “breathe”. Not long after, Phi received these “anonymous” messages (note, once again, the comma usage).

Small occurrences continued like this, and Phi continued to ignore or give very little response to them. 

However, Phi changed her mind about her separation technique when Luna sent a vaguely aggressive message about Phi’s friendship choices - essentially, shading the fact that Phi was still friends with Chloe. 

I can’t find a screenshot of Phi’s response, but it went along the sentiment of “I’m friends with who I want, and if you can’t handle that, that’s your problem.” It was very dry and to the point, but in no way aggressive. She made her point: she wanted Luna to leave her alone. 

With that, Phi thought the situation would be over. However, Luna still tagged her in posts, sent her loving messages that Phi didn’t particularly respond to, and overall stalked her, essentially. 

The last straw was when Phi received an anon about not replying to mutuals. Due to, once again, typing habits (and her overall obsession with Phi replying to her), Phi guessed it might be Luna.

And so, after answering it, Phi decided to block that anon.

Not so surprisingly, Phi was right. It is around that time that Luna remade her blog, with the excuse that it was bugging out. 

Not too long after, she sent this to Phi:

It should be noted that “some things I saw” were, in fact, Phi interacting with Chloe on her blog and tagging her in posts. It should also be noted that Luna is thanking Phi for essentially just, telling her to breathe and calm down. That’s it. 

After that (which happened in November 2018), Luna did not do much, nor did she directly engage with Phi. Luna started going by Winter (and many other names). With that, we thought it was over. She moved blogs and was leaving us alone. She needed a fresh start, and we could respect that.

Of course, the admins - especially me - kept an eye on her to make sure she wouldn’t start drama or confront Chloe again (who was, and still is, emotionally distraught from Luna’s behaviour), but everything was fine. comfyhobi went through many changes and eventually became fluffyjhs, and she eventually took the name Alice. We still knew she was Luna, but nothing dramatic had happened. 

We did NOT engage with her. We did NOT send her hate. We did NOT make an expose post despite all she had already done. We let her live on her blog, and I simply kept an eye on her to make sure she wouldn’t name drop us and start drama on Tumblr.

We thought we were finally in the clear, that Luna had moved on and that Phi and Chloe were safe from her harassment. 

Until she came back a few weeks ago, in February 2019. She tried tagging Phi in posts again, acting like she didn’t know her and that she was a different person. And not long after, she tried applying to the network again under the name Alice and with her new blog.

One of the admins (Bri) confronted her, reminding her that she was banned from the network, but she completely denied being Luna. However, she still had the same typing habits, and we had made sure to track her well. 

Some things to note: 1) tinyjhs is one of Luna’s old URLs and did eventually “deactivate”. 2) Bri never mentioned that she deactivated, simply that she was blocked from the network, yet Luna mentioned it herself. 3) the “5 year hiatus” line is exactly the same as her comments when she originally joined the network, how she had not been active on the internet in over, I think 4 years? (Sadly, I don’t have receipts for that, I didn’t think it would ever be relevant, we’re talking about 4 months ago and I can’t find them, but it is an interesting parallel). 4) she’s awfully compassionate and insightful of the feelings of someone that we accused of causing drama.

Anyways, as you can see, she threw a temper tantrum and blocked the network blog from communicating with her. With that, we hoped it was finally done. She tried to get back in, and she failed. She knew that we knew she was Luna. 

But, this brings us to Luna’s open letter on her own blog a few days later.

The original post was made yesterday, WITHOUT our blogs’ URLs in the tags. After deliberating between admins, we decided not to engage and to let her have her drama, as no one was explicitly mentioned (yet), and we desperately wanted it to be over. We figured that maybe she would finally stop after maybe getting some attention from some of her mutuals, or that she would truly leave tumblr for good. (Clearly, we haven’t learned.) We didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of replying to her attack. 

So why, you might ask, am I replying to it now?

TWO THINGS.

First. Because of this ask Phi received.

Second. Because she finally mentioned us directly.

Luna finally mentioned us directly, publicly on Tumblr, a place where we never wanted to take this argument. All the aspects of her post PROVE that she is not “Jacqueline” as she claimed a few days ago, but VERY CLEARLY Luna. She did this in hopes of getting other people involved, to hate on us, to ruin Phi’s reputation especially, I assume. Most of all, she did this to get the attention from Phi she so desperately wanted, and the sympathy of others along the way.

We didn’t want to “expose” her. We didn’t want to make this drama bigger than it already is. But she chose to do that herself. 

And so that gives me, in my opinion, the justification to finally post this response and expose thread.

This has gone far enough. Luna is manipulative, toxic and downright psychotic. She’s obsessive, with the situation, with the network, and with Phi. She thinks she’s clever enough to move blogs and rename herself in order to sneak back into the network and do god knows what. And when we don’t give her what she wants, she brings up her many private mental illnesses, blaming us for her tw// suicidal thoughts and self harm, when we have done NOTHING but try to end this situation since November 2018. It’s February 2019, and she keeps coming back.

I have a theory that Luna desperately needs attention, which is why she kisses up to so many “big blogs” in order to try and befriend them and become a big blog herself. Many of her posts, as well as her attitude towards Phi - and towards Phi ONLY (the “biggest” blog of the network) out of all of the members of the network - seem to hint towards that. Her obsession with being rejected from the network and her neediness for every single of her messages to be acknowledged also indicate this.

REGARDLESS, while this is a post to inform the general public of the fandom (and to hopefully clear our names from her drama), it is also a callout post to Luna SPECIFICALLY.

Leave Phi alone. Leave ‘Chloe’ alone. Leave ALL OF US alone. We’re no longer tolerating your bat-shit crazy attempt at getting attention from us. We’re done.

EDIT: since Phi wrote her quick response while I was writing out this post - which you can find here - she has received many messages from people who have undergone similar treatment from Luna. Here’s a screenshot we’ve been permitted to use:

Our network is not alone. I now realize that maybe my fear of bringing this onto Tumblr has brought pain and drama to OTHER people that Luna has tried to “befriend” and eventually cause drama with. I’m sorry. I hope that you all can find relief in this thread, to know that you guys aren’t alone, too. 

[romancingromanoff]

Imagine Being In The MCU And Going On Ellen Part 1/3 (Scarlett Johansson x reader)

Part 2

You’re a guest on the Ellen show and also currently dating Scarlett Johansson. I just really love Ellen and pretending that I’m a part of the Avengers cast family like it’s a huge fantasy of mine that will never come true (rip my hopes and dreams) so I decided to make it three parts haha. BONUS POINTS IF YOU KNOW WHERE CARLA SHAW IS FROM. Reader is of an unspecified gender, I use they/them pronouns. Also, part 3 of What Happens At Disney is coming soon :)

Jumping up and down in front of the mirror in your dressing room you kept trying various dance moves to see how they looked. It was Ellen so of course you had to dance out onto the stage when she introduced you! Though you had technically met with her before at Chris Hemsworth’s birthday party, it was really just a quick “hello,” “how are you,” and a funny comment from her that made you laugh. So nerves were naturally part of the reason why you were so angst at the moment and felt like you had to get rid of a bunch of pent up energy.

Your door opened which almost made you choke on the sip of water you had in your mouth. “Y/N, you’re one in five!” the crew member tapped her watch and you could only respond with a noise that sounded a little bit like “mmhmm” with your mouth still full of your drink. Taking one last glance in the mirror, you flashed some finger guns at your reflection, immediately regretted that cringed decision, then stepped foot out into the hallway where another crew person was waiting to escort you to your place.

From stage right behind the curtain you could hear the audience’s hysteria gradually calming down after they had all won $1000 Target gift cards and Ellen sat down to introduce you. “Our next guest has taken the world by storm since we fell in love with them as Obie’s hilarious best friend, Mason, in the Netflix Original Series ‘Time To Dive.’ After a suspenseful appearance in the modern remake of ‘High Noon’ with John Hamm they joined the Avengers as a recruit with some pretty neat morphing abilities in Marvel’s newest film which is coming out next Friday. Please welcome Y/F/N Y/L/N!”

You were so overwhelmed by everyone in the crowd jumping up and down that a huge smile covered your face as you tried waving to them all while also keeping a beat in your step, which was hard to do when you couldn’t hear the music very well. Approaching the couches that you had watched all of your favorite celebrities sit in was just surreal and Ellen opening her arms up to hug you was the cherry on top. “Hi, how are you?” she said underneath the wave of all the cheering so that only you would hear.

“I’m good, thank you so much! Thank you so much for having me,” you repeated what you last said as you sat down and the clapping had died down.

“So, this is your first time on the show,” Ellen smiled.

“Yes, yes it is. And I’m so happy to be here!”

“Well, thank you so much for taking the time to stop by. I know the press tours Marvel has you doing keep your schedule super busy.” The audience let out a series of “whoos” at the sound of Marvel being mentioned.

“It’s certainly crazy and I never could have dreamed about being a part of something like this but really it’s the fans that keep it going. We owe so much to them.”

“You must have your fair share of crazy run-ins since you, you know, signed a contract with them and everything. How has going out in public changed for you?”

“It’s funny, actually,” you laugh a little bit remembering an incident that occurred about a month ago. “I mean since ‘Time to Dive’ I’ve always had fans come up to me asking for pictures and autographs; stuff like that just at restaurants and a few public places. But since I was announced as a part of the Avengers cast and started filming the run-ins have gotten a lot more frequent and I’ve found that the Marvel fans are very... um... adamant,” you laugh. “They definitely know their stuff which never fails to blow my mind.”

“I guess ‘adamant’ is one way of putting it,” Ellen jokes and you chuckle along with the crowd. “But you actually had someone like demand to take a picture with you after you had just gotten out of surgery? Is that right?”

“Oh my gosh,” your pitch got so much higher when you turned around and saw the picture from that day on the giant screen behind you. “Yeah, so it was just wisdom tooth surgery, nothing super serious but I was pretty drugged up on painkillers and loopy to say the least. Wow, okay, yeah you can see how swollen my cheeks are, aw man, and that gauze in my mouth I just look completely dead!” you remarked on the image of you with your messy bun, glasses, and sweats on as you were being pushed out of the hospital in a wheelchair.

“But you were 100% fresh out of the operating room where you were under anesthesia and a complete hot mess?” Ellen laughed as you squirmed in your seat from a mixture of embarrassment and just laughing at how hilarious you looked and how strange the situation was then.

“I don’t know if ‘hot mess’ is how I would put it, but it was definitely strange.”

“And they drug you up pretty well for this surgery, right? Like there are a lot of people who film themselves or get a relative to film them post-surgery because they’re prone to say really crazy things.”

“Honestly, I think that a part of me just thought it was standard procedure,” you admit which makes the audience crack up. “I don’t remember it too well but the fan who’s crouching next to me in the picture basically stopped me and asked for a picture and I was probably just like ‘sure, why not?’ you know? Like everything was normal.”

“Speaking of pictures, there’s a photo of you and one of your co-stars going around that’s been building up a ton of talk over the last six months,” the audience cheers as the screenshot of your instagram post comes up. It’s probably your most favorite photograph in the whole world and you can’t help but smile upon seeing it. You are your girlfriend Scarlett weren’t too public with sharing all of the details about your relationship and you both valued privacy pretty highly. As a celebrity on instagram you were pretty inactive compared to a lot of others your age since you never went live, rarely posted on your story except to promote big press events, and would go weeks or even months before you’d upload something new to your feed. Even though the photo was from six months ago, it was actually the 4th most recent on your profile. Scarlett, of course, didn’t have any social media at all and you respected her wishes to try and keep a low profile online by never posting any photos of her and you, but this picture was the one exception that she had allowed.

“That is just adorable,” Ellen smiled and the audience followed with a giant “awwwwww” which made you blush. “So this was taken on snapchat?”

“Yeah, that’s the dog filter,” you point to Scarlett’s face which has the staple dog ears and nose on her in the center. But she’s also laughing so the big pink dog tongue is sticking out with her face all crunched up as you’re giving her a big kiss on the cheek. “We’ve been dating for a little over a year,” a lot more “awes” and hoots instantly follow which makes you laugh. “But that was the first time we both felt okay with posting a photo of us just being together. It was a surprise for a lot of people; including myself too.”

Ellen gets a mischievous look on her face and leans in really close to you. “You know, it’s funny that you mention surprises because I-”

“Oh no,” you gasp suddenly clutching the arms of the chair really tight and spinning your head around to check behind you. Absolutely EVERYONE in the cast had warned you about the pranks Ellen loved to play on her show that almost made some of them pee their pants in fear. A couple of years ago when you were just another regular Marvel fan that followed all of their talkshow appearances you had watched the videos of the Chrises or Scarlett being surprised by someone in a crazy costume on repeat. It was hilarious of course, but now being in a position where it might happen to you was terrifying. You were embarrassingly easy to scare and in that moment you took back all of the times you had laughed at others being surprised on the show.

“You can relax, nothing’s back there,” Ellen reassures you while chuckles and excited squeals fill the studio. “Or maybe there is.”

Your eyes widen again and your heart drops as you turn back around.

“But, no, no there isn’t,” Ellen corrects herself. “Or is there? I don’t know.” You anxiety keeps dropping then shooting back up as she plays with you and by now your neck is hurting from straining it back so much. “I’m just kidding, I do know. And there isn’t anything,” she finally settles the tension before looking straight into one of the cameras. “But we do have a good surprise and it is not scary, I swear, coming up after the break.” You’re clutching your speeding heart in both your hands as the Ellen theme music plays cueing the commercials. The  clapping dies down quickly as a bunch of set workers being moving cameras and lighting and you follow the blonde you’ve admired for so long as she stands up and goes in for another hug.

“Hey, Y/N, you need some water?” she picks up a bottle from behind her chair and you nod. “HERE you go!” she pretends she’s about to splash it all on your shirt and you jump back making a panicked sound before you realize that she’s kept the top of it on and there’s nothing on you.

“Scarlett said to watch out for you!” you laugh and are happy to hear that your mic is off.

“Really? She did?” Ellen smiles like the two of you have known each other for years and it makes you a hundred times more comfortable. Most interviewers were so stiff and acted like robots off camera but you were finding Ellen to be extremely friendly and caring. “Me and Portia love you guys by the way.”

“Wow,” you can’t believe what you’ve just heard. “Thank you. I mean, thanks that is just crazy to hear. We love you two as well and I’ve always been a fan of your show; it’s what got me through school, haha. And, yes, Scarlett almost made me too scared to come on but I really wanted to meet you.”

“Well I’m glad that you came too. Hey, I heard that you and Scarlett were thinking about adopting a new pet?”

“Yes!” you nod your head excitedly. “We really want a dog. I grew up with two but I’m just worried about having to leave the little guy or girl at home for long periods of time or having to make them travel a lot with us.”

“Yeah I totally understand. But like for me, going home to my cats every evening and just laying on the couch with them and Portia is what keeps me sane.”

“Absolutely, same for me.”

“Woah, okay, can you just come stand over here for one second?” she pulls you to the side as a set worker instantly lifts your chair up and takes it away only to be replaced by two other crew members that have a full sized couch. That was strange. Usually you’d be told if there were going to be guests or fans that you’d have to interact with on shows but you just shrugged it off and assumed that a fan from the audience would be coming up to meet you and it was just a surprise. “Thanks.”

“And we’re back on in ten!” one of the producers yelled and you and Ellen took your seats. “Five, four, three....”

The audience was cheering once again as the music played. “Alright, we’re back with Y/F/N Y/L/N,” Ellen said looking into the camera. “And before we left we told you that there was a surprise for you.”

“Yes, and I’ve noticed that you’ve expanded the seating area so- oh wait,” you interrupted yourself to turn around to check and make sure nothing was behind you again which made the audience laugh.

“No, there’s nothing there. We actually have someone in the audience today who is a huge fan of yours that would just love to meet you.”

“Cool beans!” the audience starts shrieking and jumping up and down not knowing who it’s going to be.

“So the fan is actually completely blind but is a part time worker at Barnes & Noble and also operates rollercoasters at six flags during the summer.”

“Oh.... oh my God, I mean, that’s amazing I’d love to meet them,” you were suddenly very nervous about meeting this person.

“In a letter they wrote to us, they said ‘even though I cannot see my only dream in life is to see Y/N in person.’ From Duluth, Minnesota, please welcome Carla Shaw!”

Scanning the audience you finally catch sight of a very timid woman with frizzy red hair and dark sunglasses get up towards the top and smack dab in the middle of the aisle. Not so sure of what to do, you almost get up from your seat when you don’t see any crew members going over to help her as she shuffled her way past other audience members who are simply clapping and leaning away from her as she feels the tops of the chairs to walk towards the stairs. “I should probably help her,” you get up and jog off the stage to go assist this poor woman who’s waving her cane around feeling for where the steps are. You are shocked and almost appalled that no one else getting up to help her and you jog up the steps carefully and go to lock your elbow into hers so you can guide her down.

“Allow me,” you offer before she completely spazzes our in front of you tripping down two steps and throwing her cane in the air. “SHIT!” you scream and forget that this is daytime television. You immediately fall to your knees and go to try and help them up when you notice that they’re just sitting there laughing. That laugh. You know that laugh.

“Oh my God-“ you breath as they reach for their hair and pull off what is actually a wig and then take off the giant black glasses. “I cannot believe you!” you yell at Scarlett who’s laughing hysterically at your dumb face.

“Hey baby,” she says cheekily and you roll your eyes as the two of you get up together. The crowd is going completely bezerk and girls all around you and covering their faces with their hands, mascara dripping with tears of joy and disbelief. She pulls you in for a hug and the screams get louder which you didn’t even think was possible.

“Scarlett Johansson everybody!” Ellen is clapping from the stage as your girlfriend waves to some fans and the camera. You playfully bump your shoulder into her and she pushes you back like you’re two bumper cars as you walk down towards the stage. Once you’re up there, the two of you turn around to wave at the audience some more and you’re certain that your eardrums are permanently damaged.

“I’ll sit on this si- AHHHHHHH!”

“AHHHHH SHIT”

You both scream with horror in your eyes as you see the cushions from the couch launch into the air as a beastly looking guy dressed like a yeti explodes two feet in front of you. His growling almost gives you a heart attack and you and Scarlett instinctively clutch into each other with both of you trying to hide behind the other.

Your grip on your girlfriend is so tight and you don’t let go until the yeti guy has completely disappeared running offstage. Ellen is in a complete fit of laughter that has rendered her unable to stand. She’s laughing, struggling to take breaths when she needs to from her chair while high pitched screams continue to get louder and louder.

“WHY!?!” Scarlett looks at the blonde woman in horror and your fingers are up by your neck feeling for a pulse.

“Is that all the surprises? Please tell me there are no more surprises,” you cry for mercy.

The next part will be an interview with you and Scarlett where you discuss the upcoming movie, choose your favorite Chrises, and talk a little bit about your relationship

[robobrainmurdermysterytheatre]

Fallout OC Interview!

I already tagged people, so I’m not tagging anyone in this. I took FOREVER because I thought every question needed an essay-length answer. Also because I went “Oh, I have SCREENSHOTS that would fit well with these questions 😏” then had to sift through the 9gb of screenshots I have to find them. Enjoy!

Rules:

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same.

What is your name? Jack Daniel O’Kelley

How old are you? 24... no, 25 now. Actually, technically, 235.

What do you look like? I’m white, almost 6ft tall, blonde hair, freckles, blue eyes... well, they used to be blue, now they’re... weird... one robot arm, lots of scars, lots of tattoos... you’ll know me when you see me, believe me.

[Read the rest under the cut 👇 It’s long! I threw in a bunch of pictures for lookin’ at! Also, the story of how Jack lost his arm!]

Where are you from? Where do you live now? Boston, born and raised. Except, before the war. Now I live in Sanctuary. I pack up and winter out in the southwest, though! Hate the cold. 

What was your childhood like? Before the age of 10? Not great. I was an orphan, grew up in an orphanage. I can’t complain, compared to what orphans in this time have to go through? Still... it was... not something I even want to talk about. But once my parents adopted me? It was nice, it was normal, mostly. They were good people. I didn’t want for anything. They made up for everything else I’d been through. 

What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions? I’m General of The Minutemen, so I’d say we’re pretty friendly. The Minutemen have a good, solid relationship with The Railroad, and I personally do as well. We also have a good relationship with Goodneighbor, we always get supplies from there rather than Diamond City, if we can. And again, in a personal sense, I’m a big fan of the Mayor over there. Close personal friend! There are also some groups up north, in Far Harbor I’m on pretty good terms with: the harbormen, the synth refuge. Being popular with the Children of Atom from up there has perks that carry over into dealing with them in the Commonwealth as well. Oh! And the Atom Cats are definitely friends, they gave me a neat jacket and everything. They’re not really a militant faction or anything, they’re great to just hang out with and build cool power armor. They have a poetry night, too!

Tell me about your best friend. That’s just a friend? His name is Deacon. I’m pretty sure I’m not at liberty to tell you anything else about him, though. My other best friend is Piper, number one reporter in the wasteland. Very fun, very funny, very kind. We get drunk and sing showtunes together sometimes. She’s surprisingly good at fighting, more than once now I’ve seen her wreck with a minigun she just picked up from whatever enemy we just downed, but she’s still really good with that 10mm. She reminds me a lot of my late wife in a lot of ways. She’s doing amazing things, bringing truth to the people. 

Do you have a family? Tell me about them! I had my family before the war... my parents and then my wife, Ray, and son, Shaun, later. They’re all gone now. I have my son... he’s a synth replica of my human son that he made of himself... it’s complicated... but it’s not. I love him. He’s more my real son than the old man I met nearly a year ago who was the person my human son became. And my husband, Danse. And everyone around us in Sanctuary, really, is family. We all love and support each other, that’s what matters, you know? Even some people outside of Sanctuary - Nicky in Diamond City is like a father to me, Longfellow up north on the island too... The Abernathy’s treated me kindly and helped me supply up when I first came out of the vault and I had no idea what was going on, they were the first people I saw, so they feel a lot like family, too... and the Railroad, like Deacon puts it, are just “one big dysfunctional family, with guns” and, well, working with them like I do, we’re family. I also have a cousin on my dad’s side that survived the war, Celeste! She has the best weed and is a big *ahem* fan of Mayor Hancock. I love her dearly.

What about a partner or partners? I’m married to Danse, he’s an amazing man. Besides being tall, dark and handsome, he’s dedicated, strong, loyal, smart, principled... he’s also the biggest softie I know, he’s compassionate and loving and oh, god, his sense of humor is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it dry but if you catch it, it’s amazing. I have no idea what he’s doing with a guy like me. We balance each other out really well, he helps me keep my shit together, and I help him cut loose. Our marriage is sort of open, we both have people from before we got together that are really important to us, so I have a boyfriend, too. He lives out in Vegas now, where he’s from, but I met him up here during a really dark time when I thought I didn't have anything left in me and had run away from everything. He gave me back the will to keep trying. Haley’s really special - smart as a whip, loyal to a fault, goodhearted, charming, one hell of a shot... Oh, and gorgeous. We’ve had a lot of fun together, just wish I could see him more often. And then there’s Preston. He’s just... everything that’s good and right about humanity. How could I not fall in love with him? He’s beautiful inside and out, he has a heart of pure gold, he’s fought so hard for everything he believes in. I didn’t even realize he had any kind of feelings for me until after I had already gotten together with Danse, but, after we worked out the whole open relationship thing, we got together and that was that. 

Who are your enemies, and why? Number one on my shitlist are The Gunners. We’ve been whittling away their numbers, so they’re less of a threat than when I first encountered them. They’re still a legitimate enough with the firepower, organization and numbers they still do have. Anyone or anything that threatens the settlers or the Minutemen are enemies in my book. Things are pretty tense with the Brotherhood of Steel, as well. There’s no... official conflict with them at the moment, but they’re on thin ice.

But seriously, fuck The Gunners.

Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them? Ah, yes. I think if they weren’t trying to spearhead a synth genocide on my turf, we would be able to coexist just fine. I actually used to be in the Brotherhood, though it was mostly me being opportunistic, hoping they could help me find my son and getting to play with power armor and big guns and giant robots. My husband was, too. We were Paladins! Well... I kind of took his position after they kicked him out... he recruited me, he was my commanding officer - one hell of an officer, too, that’s why I field promoted him to Captain of the Minutemen. But I’m getting off topic - The Brotherhood, thankfully seems to have at least slowed down on the synth genocide bullshit after The Minutemen and our allies blew up The Institute. I gently reminded Elder Maxson that’s what happens when people fuck with my family. I haven’t had too many issues with them since. 

[Knight O’Kelley 😏]

What about The Enclave? I’ve heard about them from multiple sources, I’m not sure how much of that information is good information, but from my understanding, they sound like assholes. Dangerous assholes. 

How do you feel about Super Mutants? I feel bad for them. The ones out here in the Commonwealth were made against their will by The Institute. That’s bullshit. I’ll still kill them when they’re shooting at me, though. I’ve ran into a few friendly ones, there’s Strong and Erickson, and Virgil used to be a Super Mutant but now he’s a human again. I know there’s friendly, smarter Super Mutants in other areas. They’re people too, just like ghouls, just like synths, just like humans. If they’re friendly, I’m friendly, if they’re hostile, I’m hostile. Just wish there were more around here that weren’t hostile. They’re also excellent fighters, I definitely admire the no-bullshit approach they take to fighting. 

What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in? Oh, boy, this one’s hard, I’ve been in some crazy fights. Probably The Battle for Bunker Hill, where everyone showed up to the party and I almost died. I was still working undercover at The Institute on the Railroad’s behalf, and so Me, Danse, Deacon, Preston, Hancock, and Mac all go out to meet this Courser. We had Danse in full power armor because we were worried about the Courser recognizing him, but he refused to stay behind because he was worried about me but I’m really glad he didn’t. So we meet this guy, the idea was that we were going to go with him to reclaim these four synths hiding out at Bunker Hill, but when we had a chance, instead we’d take him out and relocate the synths. Well, somehow The god damn Brotherhood of Steel got word of the synths hiding out there as well, so we go in and it’s just a clusterfuck, The Railroad agents, gen 1s, Brotherhood, Caravan guards, everyone’s firing at everyone everywhere. That made getting in easy, we just waded through the fire. We got down there, jumped this Courser and secured the synths. Then we had to fight our way out and in the process Danse’s armors broken, so he has to hop out, but we have everything pretty well handled. Then a second wave of Vertibirds roll in, they’re dropping guys, they’re firing on us from the air, everything is chaos again. They recognized Danse and they were out for blood, they start coming for him instead of the synths we’re protecting, which at least gave Preston, Deacon and Mac a chance to take the four kids to relative safety. So Danse and I are distracting them, trying to slowly retreat, but keep their attention on us enough the rest of our folks can get away. I’m on one side of the street and he’s on the other, just ripping into them. Then this grenade sails over my cover and lands right next to me. I’m pissed, I’m exhausted, I’m thinking, I’m going to throw this motherfucker back at them, there’s nowhere to run, we’re pinned down, fuck it. That was... the wrong call. Or I don’t know, I’m still here, so maybe it wasn’t. I reached down and next thing I know my ears are ringing and I’m flat on my back in the middle of the street in the most excruciating pain I have ever been in. Last thing I see before I black out is my gorgeous, heroic husband standing over me, absolutely fucking furious, unleashing complete and utter hell with that gatling laser on what’s left of the Brotherhood troops. And that’s how I lost my arm! 

Have you ever fought a Deathclaw? Many. I hate fighting them, honestly. They’re beautiful creatures. Terrifying, but beautiful. 

Do you like fighting? I’m so tired of fighting. 

What’s your weapon of choice? In a perfect world, where I won’t accidentally blow up my friends? Mayhem, my quad-barrel missile launcher with a built in targeting computer painted Atom Cats colors. Generally, though, I go with my sniper rifle, Liberator, or the laser rifle Danse gave me, Righteous Authority.

How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) As much as I’d like to think it’s my excellent combat prowess, mostly some combination of my skills and my charm have helped me stay alive.

Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them? Fuck Vault-Tec, fuck their mothers, fuck all their friends and fuck the vaults. Except Clarence, the salesman who sold me my family’s place in Vault 111. They fucked him over, too. He didn’t know. I can’t be mad. We’re friends. And Curie, technically, was Vault-Tec, when she was a robot, but that’s different. Oh, and the vault I kind of... own... now is OK, the original Overseer left when I did her freaky experiments wrong. It’s known as the Party Vault, now! But listen, I was frozen for 210 years in Vault 111, and as fucked up as that is, that’s probably one of the most benign things Vault-Tec ever did to anyone. They carried out some of the most horrific things I have ever heard of, they’re awful.

[Vault 88, the Party Vault!]

How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you? I don’t have to work too hard to deal with the radiation after the... “religious experience” I had when I “infiltrated” the Children of Atom for Acadia. I still don’t have an explanation for what happened, but, the radiation heals me and eventually dissipates itself after a while, when it even does effect me. Every so often during a bad radstorm I still have to pop some Rad-X. Before that, though, lots of Rad-X and Radaway and cowering in corners of buildings when radstorms blew through. Radstorms used to do a number on me, they’d give me panic attacks, hallucinations - and not the fun kind - make me sick. Not so much anymore, so that’s good.

What’s your favorite wasteland critter? Deathclaws. They’re majestic, they’re fierce and huge. They have interesting mutations that turn them neat colors. I think they’re a lot more intelligent than the average wasteland critter.

What’s your least favorite wasteland critter? Radroaches. Everyone said roaches would survive the apocalypse and not only did they survive, they got more disgusting. Yuck.

How do you feel about robots? Pretty fucking good! I’ve been fascinated with them since before the war. I was going to go into a career in robotics. I guess I kind of ended up doing that, since I build so many now. And Codsworth, who’s a robot, is one of my favorite people. So, yeah, pretty fucking good. 

[These are babeys]

How many caps do you have on you right now? Twenty four thousand give or take. Don’t even think about robbing me of them.

Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla? Listen, Haley sent me a crate of Sunset Sarsaparilla once and that shit is way better than any flavor of Nuka Cola I’ve ever had. 

Do you do chems? Yes. But strictly for business, not pleasure anymore. Before the war, I was addicted to Psycho and Med-X, and probably Mentats, back from when I was in Anchorage. Hell, even as a kid I would get high here and there. I would really do whatever I could get my hands on. But I cleaned up when Ray was pregnant. Once I lost her and Shaun, it was open season again, especially since chems seem to flow pretty freely in some places around here. I had it bad, my friends had to drag me more than half dead to a wasteland doctor more than once. But once I got Shaun back... I couldn’t do that to him, I couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes the occasion calls for it, though, there are a lot of fights I wouldn’t have walked away from without the extra edge. I just have to watch it.

Do you ever think about the Pre-War world? A lot. I think about the life I had before, the people I cared about. I also think about the mistakes were made that got us to the place we are now, if anything to try to avoid making them again. If they’re even avoidable... 

What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently? Not being able to protect my family in the vault. I don’t know what I could have done differently, I was trapped in there, what could I do? I think about it every day like maybe I’ll have an answer to that question, but I never find one.

What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve? Destroying the Institute, hands down, biggest achievement. They were the biggest roadblock to a functioning Commonwealth, and now they’re gone we can actually build something. 

What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world? 

Peace, for all three.