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Best Pokémon Professor Final Round!!!

(any and all propaganda is allowed this time, even insulting the other candidate.)

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Its my birthday c:

I dont really have anything planned, so im gonna work on a fan art that I recently started 👉👈

Happy birthday me c:

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TW: Grief, Illness, Death, Spoilers for Campaign 3 of Critical Role

So as I mentionned previously, grief is a huge part of my life right now, I lost my cat who was with me for litteraly half of my life and my grandfather is dying of a pulmonary illness.

Tonight, the Party said goodbye to Sir Bertrand Bell, and Sam Riegel made the greatest joke ever (People say Goodbye is the hardest word to say, but actually it's Worcestershire (however it's written)) and I laughed a lot, but then I also realized his speech AND joke also made ME feel better...?

So I guess.... Thank you Sam Riegel, you are doing a great job as an automaton Therapist ❤

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Ah yes, my Favorite Critical role character

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Okokokok

So you're telling me people are hating on Orym for being boring?

You're telling me people are hating on a halfling fighter (a VERY unusual combo) who jumps around (like, probably does backflip and shit) for being BORING???

And also we can talk of how he is a fighter but still has the highest Intel in the group, still unusual for a fighter??

I have yet to watch Exandria Unlimited and I am excited to do so, I just didn't get to it yet, so I don't know much about him, but he is EVERYTHING BUT BORING???

I think he is the MOST interesting when you take the time to analyze little things he does. For example, when Laudna explained through Pâté (her rat) that he was her only friend through a lonesome time, he basically tells PATÉ (not Laudna, Paté) "Good job", he just validates her coping mechanism, or how he takes time in every interaction to be kind and have empathy towards people?

I think people see him as too simple maybe? But simple is not necessarily bad and I think maybe Liam intended for him to seem like a simple character 👀

Anyways, can you tell which character I am currently obsessed with?

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My head: *hurts from lack of sleep*

My joints: *hurt from not doing things and lack of sleep*

My eyes: *are litteraly so dry it's painful*

My back: *sore AF*

My brain: me wan do art :) what about we learn how to do animation?

Help

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Another vent

I think im sad cause I didnt do anything for halloween...

It might be dumb, but I was really looking forward to halloween with friends.. and we didn't do anything...

Apparently my new meds are known to make you feel worse for a couple weeks before you start getting better and I think after the week of overwhelming nausea, im getting to that part of the treatment where I feel like fucking crap.

I'd like to go for a walk, but it's super cold outside...

Ah well...

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Good news (it's about freaking time)

Ayo

TW: mental health, medication, therapy and counselling, grief, death, illness, emetophobia

Long story short I had an appointment with my primary healthcare giver this morning.

I started new meds (I'm SO nauseous lmfao, I almost puked a good couple times), I got a reference to meet with a psychiatrist and I received gender affirmation, even if I was wearing a skirt.

I also met with my social worker and for now our course of action consists of two things:

Finding ways to deal with grief and the trauma that came with the whole dumpster fire that was my summer

Preparing a file to try and get a professional ASD diagnostic.

I feel like a whole ocean has been taken off my chest. Had never realized before how good it feels to freaking breath lmao.

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About my father

Yesterday I posted a poem which I wrote while I had a panic attack (fun fact, I do not even remember writing it, I just know I did lmao) and did not give more update on that.

I was sitting outside the house, taking in some fresh air and after publishing the poem, I went back in, thinking I was feeling stable enough. On the way to my brother's room where I sleep for the time being, there's my father's room. My father doesn't like sleeping and generally doesn't sleep much, but I was still surprised to find him very awake at 3:30 AM. I just went to give him a hug and say goodnight again, but he asked if I was doing ok, and for the life of me, however much I lie so people don't worry about me, I have never been able to lie to my father. I don't know why, beats me.

So I said no. And then I sat on his bed. And for around an hour, we just talked.

I talked to him about autism and how my mom doesn't believe I am autistic. He said he agreed, but still asked me why I thought so, and so I explained everything and told him I'd like to get an official diagnostic. He nodded and said "It makes a lot of sense. How would one get a diagnostic?" So I told him what I knew and he said he would look into it, see if we can do that.

Then we shared poetry. He is a very good writer and I know my sense of arts comes from my parents. He complimented my writings and offered to add music to some of them.

Finally, I explained to him the existential dread that scares me so much lately.

"I am terrified that my existence doesn't matter, never has, never will, and that when I die, it's all just over. Nothing happens." First he told me "Even if there's nothing, you won't know it." I told him that, yes maybe, but until then, it scares me.

Now, you need to know my father is a jokester. He doesn't get very serious when with me, but at that moment he got dead serious. He closed the door and sat down. He asked me if I remember Gandalf telling about the white shores in Lord of the rings. I told him I do. And he smiled and just said "I've seen them. 4 times." And he explained to me how he got there everytime he almost died.

And he started crying.

He told me how it's full of people who loved you, people who knew you, people whose life you had touched. He told me that everytime he crossed there, his father would come to him and tell him "not now. Come back later." And he would just wake up.

Then he went for a cigarette and I went to bed, and for the first time in a good while, everything felt calm.

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I wanted to post about tonight's CR episode, and while I'm very hyped and I am absolutely in LOVE with Dorian, Ashton and FCG, just couple minutes after it ended, the anxiety and depression settled back in very intensely and I am having a panic attack again.

I wrote a poem I guess...? It helps venting the anxiety and pain.

Normally I just keep them to myself in my phone, but I feel like this space is safe enough to post it since anyway no one is reading unless I use tags ( hello future Elli reading this probably lmao) and I feel like no one woukd take the time to read this and if they did, they'd probably be nice enough lmao

So here goes nothing *shrugs*

I hate nights

I hate nights.

Night is when I come crashing down

Night is when the anxiety creeps back in

Night is when the dread settles

It's when all that rumbles and tumbles all day sits at the bottoms of my brain

When it creeps in all my being

When it makes its way into my lungs

When it flows into my veins

When it sours my mouth

And rings into my ears

When it blurs my eyes with tears

And my heart with pain

I hate Nights

It's when the monsters under my bed

Comfortably move into my head

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About my mom

My autistic ass cannot stop thinking AND talking about The Magnus Archives, and that is a fact.

So obviously, I told my mom about and to my surprise, she got REALLY interested and started watching it ealier this week. Every evening, we just sit together in her room and listen to TMA together while I'm at her place. She just finished season 1, she's on episode 45 and WHAT THE HECK.

We have this thing where I answer her question without spoiling her. And I asked her what she understood so far.

She was able to understand that statements can be classified depending on their content. So far she recognized The Slaughter, The Desolation, The Vast, The Dark, The Corruption and The Eye and I think maybe The Flesh without actually understanding them completely or giving them a name.

She also said very innocently: "I feel like Jonathan's position is just a scam, or even a trap."

Again, she's in episode 45.

I think my mom is actually Gertrude Robinson LMAO.

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this is not an onion headline

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So I’m coming here for some help. The affordable housing I was accepted for has reached out and said if I can get the money by end of next week I am still able to get the apartment. I hate to ask for help. I hate that I have to do this, but I need this. I need this for me. I need this for my mental health. A little goes a long way, and I would appreciate anything. If you don’t use go fund me I have other options. I use cash app, Venmo, PayPal, Zelle. Please help me in my journey of healing. I’ll forever appreciate it.

CASHAPP: afuhrm

Venmo: afuhrm7

PayPal:ajfuhrm79@gmail.com

Chime: $lonelyaesthete

GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/da4dbbb8

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Oct. 9th and 10th

This weekend was comiccon and it was AWESOME.

I went both days as TMA characters (Saturday as Gerry and Sunday as Jon with my friend as Martin) and I really had a lot of fun ❤

No one really recognized our cosplays because I guess TMA is rather obscure in Canada? But there was this one guy who was working at a merch stand (specifically, this stand was selling tea) who spotted me as Gerry and we told him we'd be back the next day as Jon and Martin and he was very excited and then today we just showed up at the stand and he complimented us and then we talked for a long time about TMA and other medias that have similarities with it. It was really great.

I also spotted a pin I really liked because it read "Autistic and Fabulous" and pointed out to my friend that I'd love it but probably wouldn't dare wearing it and the merchant asked me if I am on the spectrum and I proceeded to tell him that yes, but I've only recently found out and I'm not open IRL about it and not everyone around me is open minded about autism... and we just spoke for a while and he told me to take a pin for free and that, when in comfortable doing so, I should wear it proudly and I just... cried. So I have my pin, and I love it.

We finished the day by taking pictures and going for a bubble tea.

Im also running late on inktober, but I seriously don't like the prompts and I think i might start using a custom list and just... redo the whole thing because I really don't know what to draw and I don't have much motivation when I have to think really hard about it.

So yeah, more drawings are gonna be coming up.

I'll add a couple pictures of this weekend (the ones in comfortable sharing I guess)

Also, all of my makeup this weekend was made by my awesome friend ❤

Bonus:

Yes, I was laughing very hard.

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Oct. 8th

So today officially marked 4 years with my significant other. They were scheduled at work though and so I mostly spent my day alone at home. I mostly doomscrolled here and on IG, but I also played ukulele and eventually called M father for a while. I then spent a couple hours on discord with my younger sibling and worked on the Spotify playlist I mentionned yesterday and drew.

All in all, it was a rather OK day.

Tomorrow is comiccon, im gonna hang out with the two same friends I spent time with yesterday. I might get some pictures of my cosplays and publish them IDK???

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About my day (Oct. 7th)

So I got to spend time with two of my best friends today. We went shopping together and got bubble tea and then they invited me over at their place (they are roommates).

One of them is the person that got me into TMA and so we talked a bunch about it and about upcoming cosplays (they cosplay Martin and I cosplay Jon, but they also pointed out that I could very easily cosplay Gerry) and then they told me they were making a Spotify playlist with songs that relate to the entities, so we just spent like... an hour or so just listening to songs, talking about the entities and adding to the playlist.

Great times honestly.

Then, I also was able to talk with my father who helped me with getting help and I should be able to have a meeting with a doctor soon to get a referral to psychiatry or at least get back on medication.

Also apparently, about my brother getting into hospital: he just stood up WAY too quickly and passed out lmao. He's ok, just being the usual dumbass that he is and that I love.

I won't say anything that might jinx it, but yeah, having a better time than yesterday.

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Update on existential dread fueled panic attack I previously posted about

TW: mental health in general, medication, therapy and counselling, insecurities, autism (implied)

I think the crisis has passed, it's 5 AM, I am drinking a good ol' chai with my cat, I am tired but I feel a bit better.

I was previously on medication specifically antidepressants and anxiolitics and I stopped them without getting opinion from a professional and I realize how much of a mistake that was. I am trying to get counselling and maybe get back on medication to give me that little push I desperately need, but it's VERY HARD to get help and I don't know how much more I can do to get that help.

I think I have a lot on my shoulders lately and I need help dealing with all of that.

Professional help.

Until then though, venting here does help a lot, and I think I might start using this account to just write about anything I'd like, not just the cool stuff like DND, but also the Bad stuff, the sad stuff, the ok stuff...

Basically anything I wanna tell without feeling I'm too needy towards my friends and family who seem to be having a hard time around me lately.

And YES, that might mean random rents about my most recent special interest.