#(nothing actually happens but someone thinks it will and its talked about)
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
the look of love - sylus x reader
sypnosis - sylus cant help but express his love for you through his magnificent look of love to you, and even if it's something you miss from him- all he cares about that his eyes still can reach you.
• no. 1 party anthem - artic monkeys
ps: this song's meaning is not connected to the concept in any way... maybe just think about the sound?
- fluff, sylus being smitten real, blood/injuries mentioned, short
There are so many moments where Sylus can just blur the whole backround, and just look at you as if you were a goddess sent down from the heavens. His look wont leave you until you snap him back to reality- if you even can.
He can name so many moments.
There was even a time when he almost bled to death, because of some fight that happened in an auction he went to while protecting the Protocore he wanted to bid on. It unfortunately was not protected, causing Sylus to get severe injuries from the fight.
Well, he could heal- but why do that when you're there tending for his wounds? How can he tell his sweet nurse, her heart full of concern for him? The sight was so amusing to him, that he couldn't seriously get his eyes off you.
"You know, I didn't expect for someone like you to get injured so seriously like this." You murmur, dipping the hot wet cloth into his wounds to clean them. You cant see it, but your patient had his eyes straight towards you, as if he was a motion detecting device.
"Don't be so careless, okay?" You whisper too quietly, but it was enough to reach the white haired man's ears. He couldn't hold back the smirk curling on his lips, seeing you so concerned for him just switches a light bulb inside him.
He looks at you, red eyes full of love inside them; he cant just get enough of it. He can't survive a day without seeing you, and the sight of your hair, your skin, your eyes, or merely your ear could be enough for him.
"You're too caring, Sweetie. It makes me want to get injured more-" Sylus recieves a not too strong, yet forceful hit on his chest from you. He sees your furrowed brows, and he swears- it was the last tug on his strings.
"Dont say that, I'll actually kill you." You lift a fist suddenly, yet it never hits Sylus. He just laughs it out, seeing you lift a fist at the Leader of Onychinus. As if you had any power against him. You did.
"Ouch." He hisses, for your words and the pain of the injury. Your eyes flicker towards him, a sting of pity stinging your heart; you were like a stingray, and you have stinged his heart completely.
You slowly patch up the wound, adding last necessary items to cover up the cleaned wound. Once you finish, you fix the materials and set them aside for now; you have something more important at hand- babysitting a twenty-eight year old.
He stares at you, his red eyes making the official color of love. You raise a brow, confused on to why he was staring right at your soul. Is there something behind you? Your face? What was it?
"You're staring at me as if I killed your whole family." You comment, crossing your arms together. He erupts into chuckles, but his gaze never leaves you.
"Nothing."
There was another moment where in you were both crossing the road, talking about where to walk to next in four in the morning, having friendly arguments on where the best place in Linkon can be for watching the sunrise.
You two decided to just walk, as it was just four in the morning, and a morning walk cant be that bad. Its cold and the atmosphere is comepletely nice, unless theres kidnappers or something- but aside that, its nice.
"This is very heavy." An elderly woman was beside the stoplight for pedestrians, carrying four heavy looking bags, at the middle of the night.
You and Sylus look at each other, with the same thought to why there was an old woman in the streets at four in the morning.
But setting your concerns aside, you leave the white haired man beside you, stepping your way to the old woman. "Here, let me help you." You smile, carrying the two other bags for her.
"Oh! Thank you, young lady. My old body cant carry bags that much anymore." She cackles, her teeth shining. "I bought so many gifts for my lovely grand children, that they were too heavy. I'm suprised I got this far." She exclaims, her smile contagious.
Your conversation with the old woman dosen't make you aware of Sylus entering the picture, as he walks behind you. He smiles, carrying the other bags from the old lady. "Let me help you too, Miss."
"Oh, how lovely." She giggles, pointing towards the house a few blocks away. "I'll just settle there, and you two can continue your way." The two of you nod, making your way to the said place.
But ago, Sylus was once again caught up in your web. He couldn't stop staring at you when you stepped up to the old lady, with no hesitation to leave him hangging alone, knowing the risk factors.
He looked at you, as if he "found his bride." He just stood there, staring at you smile widely at the old woman.
And as you two walked, he can't help it- his eyes cant stop lingering over you, he can't stop his heart from racing, how the night sky couldn't even engulf you in its darkness, and how you shine so brightly in his eyes.
It wasn't even the last time. He cant even count how many times it happened, but there was one exact moment that made his heart tie its knot to you.
When you accidentally witnessed something you weren't supposed to see. You were normally walking in Linkon, nothing unusual, until you notice a familliar red evol roaming around a balcony of the building you were staring at.
As your eyes zoom closer, you see the man who held his evol; his suit red and black. He carelessly beat up the men with him, as if he was in an action movie and he was filming for mission impossible.
But your eyes squint a little more, and you see a strand of white hair on the man. "Sylus?" You murmur, not deciding to scream it out.
Like the wind carried your voice to him, Sylus looks down from the balcony, seeing your little figure looking at the mess he is right now. His heart stops, as if blood just stops flowing towards him, but it cant; he finished up the men, and with a heavy breath- he used his evol and flew down to settle beside you.
He sees you, clothes formal as you just came from work- compared to him, he looked like a mess. Blood was all over him, not even his- but from his enemies. His clothes were dirty, whilist yours were clean.
He felt his mind race. You knew about his position in Onychinus, and how dangerous he was- but he never involved you in his dirty work. He could never let you see how much of a monster he was.
His fear crept up to him, awaiting the words "monster" come out from your throat.
"Need a tissue?" You tilt your head, your tone offering and sweet. What? He was confused, where were the words he expected to come out from your mouth?
He stood there, blood creeping from his forehead, as he remained dumbfounded. He accepts the tissue you reached out to him, his eyes not leaving you.
The tissue didn't matter, damn it. Why weren't you running? Why were you still there, right infront of him, acting as if it was nothing? Was fear consuming him right now- maybe he was just hallucinating, and you already ran away from him.
You click your tongue, grabbing back the tissue from his hands. You wipe the blood from him yourself, the dim streetlamp was the only light source for you two.
While you wiped his blood, his crime- he spoke. "Why are you here, wiping the blood on my body when you've seen what I do?" His voice is quiet, a voice laced with confusion, fear, and a little bit of sprinkled hope.
"Honestly, does it matter?" You laugh, "I jumped into your life aware of what you do, so dont come to me playing the confused man, 'kay?" You snort, finishing the process of wiping the blood.
And his eyes absorbed the sight of you, as if he was being cursed by a witch to hallucinate you forever, well, for him- would it even be a curse?
You truly have recieved the look of love.
a/n: finally done! after one month of the poll, i finally release the short ahh oneshot i promised. i deliver! ❤️ so sorry this is short, i just have a thing for short fanfics LOL
#sylus#love and deepspace#lnds#l&ds#l&ds sylus#lnds sylus#sylus x reader#love and deepspace sylus#sylus x you#takeurexam
158 notes
·
View notes
Text
procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
the fact batman is the pope in datv and this is never brought up outside of hints in dialogue and codex entries is so fucking funny i cant even be mad about how much it rings of content that didnt have time to get implemented.
#veilguard spoilers#i dont think its inherently nonsensical for someone in a position of power in tevinter to#not actually be able to use the system for things the system is pretty intrinsically designed against#particularly without incurring a very real risk of just getting assassinated out of the position and achieving nothing LMFAO#but also its just so fucking funny i cant be mad. dude the POPE is in here. and you cant even call him on it#the fucking pope is calling himself the viper and leaping off rooftops WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR CLERICAL HIERARCHY!!!#i know some archbishop is suffering constant migraines bc of his ass#STOP LEAPING OFF ROOFTOPS!!!! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALLOCATION OF CHURCH FUNDS#i watched conclave last week.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
no interest in any of my hobbies next to no concerts going on all summer feeling abandoned by the majority of the few irls I still have no idea where to meet new people to replace them now that I'm not part of the highly social hard partying sales culture I spent basically all of my post college life in anymore literally what reason is there to keep trying
#how does anyone even maintain anything in the long term like since college i dont think ive managed to hold onto a truly close relationship#for more than like 3 years so its about time even tho i never even felt i reached that level of closeness w these guys its about time they#also just move on & im the only one putting on the effort! the last time i felt like i had someone i could really call a 'best friend' they#went on vacation & ended up just actually moving away without telling me & when theyre back in town they text our other friends to ltk &#hang out with them but never me & i only ever see them at parties. similar shot for any other 'close friends' i ever thought actually cared#about me. whats wrong with me why dont people ever want to stay around why is it whenever things come up or people get busy or whatever im#never a priority to anyone everwhy is it always i put in the effoet or we dont talk ot reslly i put in the effoet until eventually we dont#talk anyways. why does it seem like even if it isnt easy for everyone else it seems like its at least POSSIBLE people will tell me oh that#happens to everyone in adulthood i feel that way too. ok sure you at least TALK to your college friends still even if you arent as close as#you used to be i have fucking nothing exvept a handful of people who just kind of care about me but where im in the periphery of their lives#i could just die & itd probably take weeks before any of my 'friends' even noticed#texticles
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
[gasps] The creepy puppet said it
#ok im saying this like ive never played s4m before. but#it has been a long time#a REAAAALLY long time#yeah i bet we will :-) and nothing bad will happen! the big event will be delightful#surely#calling it creepy is unfair. its also cool#and oh. you caught me. im not actually playing it right now#this is a playthrough. BUT THE THING I HAVE S4M ON RIGHT NOW IS BROKEN OK. AND I WANT TO WATCH THIS BEFORE I PLAY GREAT GOD GROVE#anyways. my one and only post about it until im done#which Hopefully will only take two hours#i have officially forgotten almost everything except the big things about this game#i wasnt joking when i said its been a really long time#like 'not since it came out' a really long time#im also saying all of THIS like in talking to someone. im not really#i dont Think anyone i know knows smile for me. key word being Think
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Twitter getting obsessed with conspiracy theories about where redacted is makes me feel so fucking terrible when there is so much worse going on that people are literally begging you to pay attention to but instead you want to focus on scenarios you made up in your head and play true crime detective
#i saw five hundred women tweeting things like i am going to sound soo crazy at work talking about this 🤣🤣#you need to get the fuck off of twitter number one#ik i sound like i am on twitter too much but i genuinely have just been clicking on what's trending these past few days i have been sick#and its like yes the royal family sucks for five thousand reasons but there are actual atrocities happening right in front of our eyes#that are not a fucking mystery and you guys would rather think of literally anything else#based off of nothing. like i have been a billion tweets the past few days confidently listing off scenarios they know have happened to her#like yay you're so true crime you figured it out and its not even like these people care about women's well being either bc i saw all...#...kinds of nasty shit said about her when she said she was sick in the first place and all kinds of bad comments about how sick pregnancy.#...makes her feel so obviously on the most basic level you don't care about women to act like you now have a narrative from a true crime...#...podcast to project to someone. like you guys will get so distracted by anything#don't get me started on the oscars#everything feels so fucking bleak lately i also don't know how stuff like the election doesn't make everyone feel like they're losing it#like yeah the guy in the movie that's supposed to be about being a girl sang a little song does no one realize how all they're talking...#...about is the guy yet#wait no they're more worried about a bad photoshop than the massive amount of pictures of dead people my bad
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
tbh i think if youre weird and annoying about accordion you owe every accordion player on earth 5000$
you dont have to like the sound persay. not every person likes the sound of every instrument. i know ive got instruments i dont typically like the sound of- and accordions can be loud irl and i sympathize with how that can be hard. but the type of person whos so outwardly dismissive of accordion and treats it like a joke is probably the most obnoxious type of person out there and im so serious about this
accordions are really heavy (they weigh around 20lbs average, some heavier, some lighter) and it takes a lot of very specific upper body strength to push/pull, not to mention how you need to do this while holding them very specifically in order to actually play. now depending on the type of accordion you either need to 1) have preexisting knowledge of piano 2) learn a piano keyboard to play or 3) learn 2 different sets of buttons that look pretty much exactly the same but Sure Dont Sound It!
its also really varied. most people think either stereotypical french/russian music or polka when they think of accordion, and i know why, but its a really varied instrument with a wide range of tone and can be used to effectively convey a lot of emotions musically
treating people like they are inherently jokes because they play an instrument you either dont like or just find funny makes you an asshole hope that helps!
#silver tongues#i have a bias because i am an accordion player who has had a deep love for accordion for most of my life#however. i also think that if someones telling you about how theyve dedicated themselves to an instrument- no matter the instrument but#ESPECIALLY one like accordion which is amongst the most difficult instruments to learn- you shouldnt be a dick about it and laugh at them#dont treat the skills and passions people hone over years as “haha funny meme instrument weird al!!!” I'll Get You.#i ALSO find this kind of person tends to also be someone who both cannot play an instrument in any capacity and knows very little about the#theory and skill involved in music. so its like cool youre stupid AND dont know what youre talking about#some of u ppl need to learn that music isnt just guitars piano and orchestral works from the 1600s. nothing wrong with either of those#(i was in orchestra and play both guitar and piano)#but other instruments exist. be normal <3#“is this something that actually happens a lot-” yes.#ive literally had a THERAPIST jab at me for being an accordion player
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
stupid garbage brainstorming for possibilities w gandhi + abe in future seasons . normally id type the words out onto the drawing afterwards but this is just so cringe and self indulgent thst it doesn’t matter enough to do that
#mine#the show actually having them date i should say i honestly consider Literally impossible#not only is this show like allergic to actually doing anything that involves mlm in a way that isnt joking or in the background#but i also feel like.. idk im so used to people seeing relationships like theirs as Just Friends that i Imagine the writers thinking that-#way too where like if someone pitched the idea of abe n gandhi actually having repressed feelings for eachother that were just never made-#clear in season 1 for various reasons (well apart from. You Know. and the list goes on but that’s not what im talking about at this second)#if someone were to pitch that idea theyd be like. What?? No!! Theyre only friends! ya know#and even absolutely then i cant imagine them not making it angsty like at all. of course in my world they would bc Its Gandhabe They’re-#Literally In Love Forever And Nothing Can Come Between That but like canonically? its pretty much guaranteed they’d break up obviously bc-#that’s just what this show is#honeslty my dream scenario? my personal favourite out of all these outcomes? the one where it’s implied heavily that theyre in love but-#the show does nothing with it and they just stay best frriends. that’s what im Most happy with personally#and it’s like… literally the closest to their relationship as it is already without anything else happening#okay bye#i love gandhabe did you know this
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
we work together later this week i think im just gonna be straight up after our shift ends i'll be like hey dude. i am Aromantic. and i'll explain it to him if i must. we have a lot of mutual queer friends so hopefully he's at least acquainted with the vague idea. so i'll explain it to him and lay it all out. like i do not - i cannot - feel anything romantic, but i know that i like talking and hanging out with you, and i'm not opposed to like, seeing where this goes, so long as like, YOU are okay with the idea of me not reciprocating the romantic feelings. not because of anything about you but because of me and who i am. this is potentially weird and nontraditional and potentially even offputting to "date" someone who doesn't reciprocate your romantic feelings but like it certainly can and has been done before and as long as YOU are chill with the idea then i'm down to try it out. i also don't know what "it" is because as i said i'm aromantic i don't know what any of this entails. so forgive me if i'm also a little bit clueless in all this. so i'm gonna lay it all out honestly and let him make the decision if he wants to continue because i sure as fuck do not know what the hell is going on in my life anymoreeeee
#brot posts#i think he's reading my hesitation as me being shy#when im actually balancing the ethical quandary of going on a date with someone who i only view platonically ?!?!?!#and having a crisis over why im even considering going on a date with someone who i only view platonically ?!?!?!#AND I DONT WANT TO LEAD HIM ON.#BUT I ALSO... DONT... /NOT/ WANT TO DO THIS#SO ITS LIKE. SCREAMS?#i dont wanna lead him on with EXPECTATIONS i guess#also if we were to do this then i cannot call it a date or else im gonna have a heart attack like can we just hang out and see what happens#no performance no expectations. can we just hang outtttt#ugh i gotta figure out how to word all this bc if i get nervous and cant explain what aromanticism is then this whole thing falls apart#but honestly talking with him is so surprisingly easy hence why im even in this situation in the first place#so !!! hopefully ..!!#but i also never was nervous to talk to him bc i thought we were JUST HANGING OUT PLATONICALLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so maybe come saturday i WILL be nervous !??!#FUCK MANNNNNNNNN FMLLL WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEE#HOW DID I GET HERE !?!?!?!? why is this happening to me#im just talking to him about comics right now pretending that nothing happened on sunday LMAOOO
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
#U Have No Idea How Much I Miss Her.#i need to start actually drawinf again its been a hellish 6 months#its really easy to just fall out of the habit of it#i used to obsess over never being someone who just suddenly stopped drawing for weeks/months#it scared me. like a core part of my identity would have to change for that to happen or would be changed by that happening#and then once i didn't draw and wasn't drawing i felt like i needed something to violently change about myself to get me to start doing it#again. but i didn't need that i just drew something again and that was it. like that stretch of time didn't happen#drawing is just an activity you can choose to do or not do and there are no consequences for whatever decision you chose to take but it felt#so serious to me it is like i viewed it like death#which i was right about in a way but mostly in how death is just a thing that happens and that it wont be that sudden and insane#you will just be and then not be just like how you weren't and now are. its just like me drawing or not drawing lol#but that comic of ht papyrus by jnpie where he's looking at the puzzles he used to make and wondering if he'll ever do that again. or if he#wants to. its like that feeling. it always sticks in my mind#i have like a fear of thinking about when i will no longer care about something i care about now and its so weird when. realize i stopped#wanting to do something and caring about it and. i feel nothing on account of no longer caring about it lol. but i know that past me#is currently looking forward at me now and terrified. this is unrelated to that comic a lot but its like. thinking about how i will change#words#mine#IM NOT TAGGING THE ART bc i wanna actually finish some of these pieces tbh and like they are just the backdrop for my thoughts...#feels so hashtag tumblr to talk to yourself about some vague ass feelings or situation that no one else will look at ugh thats like#The tumblr experience. but i love reading other's personal posts and tags though..
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#in the past i would have given up but now im like#oh right if i want something..... i gotta go for it and make it happen HDJDJDJDJDJDJ#itd be easier to give up tho LOL. god....#idk im just................ what if like. nothing even happens n i spejt all this time liking him like that would SUCK. hhhhhhhhh#i should just see if him n my ither friend wanna hang out but im ANXIOUS ABOUT ASKING#BC. GOD. the longer i dont see someone the more im like.... oh they probably didnt even like me that much JDJDJDJD#like this even happens with ppl ive been friends with for 15 years like i am just THAT insecure????#maybe not insecure.... idk. i think i just.... dont wanna get hurt so i tell myself that ppl dont actually like me. but thats like so dumb.#bc thats like... borrowing grief from the future right????? and like hhhhh god#idk i just like. sometimes its better to have 0 expectations or hopes??????#idk romance has never worked out for me b4 so why would it this time#tho to be fair this is the first time ive actually like wanted stuff to keep happening.#prev guys ive been like oh god oh no this is so fast#and its like. just them wanting to talk constantly#but now i have this guy that i talk to like. every 1 to 2 weeks LOL GOD#im trying to hang in there#i think its just that its passed 2am#idk idk#im just.............!!!!#and like what if bc im not moving fast enough.... he moves on JDJJDKDKDKDKDMDMMDMD#but then its like.... ok it wasnt meant to be then....??????#god this is so JDJDJJDJDJDJD#be careful what u wish for bc like. i said i always wanted a friends first slow burn and LMAO.......#hhhh n e way#im also like maybe i jynxed this whole thing by talking about it too much 😭😭😭#ugh whatever... im so JDJFJFJDMDMMD#personal
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#snapped at my mom because im stressed about my preboard results and then i apologized and explained that i was rly stressed and accidentally#lashed out and she started saying that im always rude to her and taking my stress out on her ??? and that i never do this to my dad#and then she said i never talk to her about anything even though she's the only one who does everything for me yet i still dont talk to her#and well. maybe if she didnt tell my brother 'if u do this u will end up like ur sister in the future. u dont want to fail in life right ?#then dont do this' (nearly exact words) when she was scolding him . i mean maybe then i would actually want to talk to her#and it sucks because i cant rly talk to anyone irl about this because i still feel scared that they'll like. judge my mom#because i still love her a lot and dont want people to think badly about her#but its getting harder ! to exist here ! and the fact that i am constantly used as an example of what my brother should NOT be#especially when i work this hard partly because i want to be someone my brother can look up to#and to have that come from my own mother . it's really hurtful and makes me feel like nothing i ever do will be enough for her#not to mention the fact that i have come out to her 4 times and she still constantly asks me if it's just a phase#<- i thought that part was getting better but apparently not#but i've stopped expecting anything from anyone in that respect so it doesn't really come as a surprise lmao#anyway rant over i just needed to get that off my chest because i really dont know how long i can keep crying and then forcing my voice#to be normal so that no one asks what happened because wow it is taking a toll on me! who knew#do noooot perceive this
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
#Besides filinh it is the ship i want to happen least i think#Because like. It just doesnt make sense.#I look at it and feel absolutely nothing#putting aside queer hcs and focusing purely on canon. Its just? Boring? Imo#Like there wasnt even much buildup? They became friends#And then shannon decided to start throwing in blushing one day#Like the only other main ship for biana rn is tam and at least thats a bit interesting!!#Two sides of the same coin a bit#From the start they always drowned under expectations. Biana lives up to them and tam turned away from them#Like i can get behind that#Dexiana just feels. flavorless.#Like someone went oh yeah lets just shove these last two characters together#I think i saw a post once where it was like#Dexiana shippers are more focused on dex and tiana shippers are more focused on biana#And i think i can see that to an extent!#Dex is the one mainly involved. Hes the one building up trust with biana and blushing#And biana is the one blushing around tam and supposedly liking silver bangs#Ah! I dont talk about canon much oops#This is just how i feel! If you are a dexiana shipper good for you! Id actually be interested to hear why you ship it!#Because i just. Cant get behind it.#kotlc discourse#Kotlc
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
I NEED TO THINK ABOUT CODEPENDANT TOXIC GAY SEX WITH MY OCS RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
#nsft#ocs#sorry the sterling shower slimes made me think of it#i need it to be deceptively tender i need it to be fucked up. there doesnt even have to be sex for real just the vibes#i need sterling to lather fancy gels and creams into someones hair. his hands are perfectly smooth and his fingers are long and hes gentle#if you pay close attention theres a callous on the side of his middle finger where he holds his pencil but its barely there#and hes chatting idly even as his fingernails gently brush across your scalp and hes explaining what each thing does#talks about where he got it and what the price was and its all just a reminder that he has money thats all it is#(im obsessed w the themes of dora being able to get up and leave and escape when harry cant could you tell)#and again no actual sex happens sterling may not even get undresses but its disgustingly tender#and its made worse by the fact that it works. you have to live with that fact. your hair is so soft and perfect#you smell like a gentle spring day and its the same way sterling smells and hes proud of his work#like hes fixed you. if only for a moment.#but soon enough him and his fancy hair products are gone and now that you know that luxury the absence is apparent#sorry this is SOOOO nothing its not even gay sex.#but do you see my vision. the intimacy. the window into a kinder world.#someone who sucks but hes beautiful and its distressing and disgusting but undeniable#this is so nothing but gahagahagahagha im rotating these thoughts so much. sterlings been my little babygirl lately
7 notes
·
View notes