#(not really. i am In The Woods currently. this post is scheduled <3)< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[bad-traffic-smp-ideas]

We are SO BACK.

[wordstreamer]

Seems like everyone needs money these days, and I know I don’t have a lot of followers, but if anyone who sees this can boost or donate something to my KoFi or to a GoFundMe we set up, it would be much appreciated.

Our eldest cat, Diva, had to have multiple emergency blood transfusions, setting us back over $8k in money that we do not have; all three of our cats have medical needs that total about $338/month, on top of their regular care.

(Obligatory pics of our beautiful girl, her baby brothers, Poe and Silver, and said beautiful girl again.)

So, while I don’t love asking this, anything would help.

Edited to add: 7/5 and Diva's tentatively doing better. She's home, her appetite is coming back, and she's getting back to her normal levels of chattiness and energy. We've still got work to do, but things are looking up.

Additional updates under the Read More.

Diva on the bed for the first time in almost a week. (A tabby cat is curled up on a purple pillow, paws tucked in.)

Diva on the bed for the first time in almost a week. (A tabby cat is curled up on a purple pillow, paws tucked in.)

7/17 and probably (hopefully!) the last update for the foreseeable future. Diva had a follow-up appointment today and we confirmed that her red blood cell levels are well within where they should be. She is back to her normal levels of energy, and she is eating and drinking pretty normally, with fairly normal litterbox activities.

I also got a new job - it pays a little less than what I was making, which is a problem, but it will help.

We really appreciate everyone who has spread the word and helped us out! <3 Thank you so, so much.

7/24: One more update, since it’s somewhat relevant: I heard from my former manager, and will probably be getting brought back onto a different team. Diva just jumped around the bedroom and is staring at me judgmentally, which is perfectly reasonable, and her baby brothers are resting peacefully. One of the car problems has been fixed by my father-in-law, and we’re looking into the others. I’ve removed the mention of getting laid off and having car issues from the main post, because while it was true, hopefully, that’s going to be less of a concern. (Trying to tackle an additional hefty vet bill is still a problem, but at least some things are back under control.) For now, things are looking up. Hopefully that’ll continue.

12/23: Edited the main part of the post, because so far, Diva is continuing to improve, and I think it's safe to say that she's "out of the woods." I don't want anyone who looks at my profile/sees this post to think that she is doing worse than she currently is.

We've had to make some changes to her diet and add a monthly Solensia shot to her schedule, but those are things that may have been on the horizon, anyway. We still have no idea what caused the scare back in July, but we haven't had any recurrences yet, and while we're still paying off her vet bill, we have been able to make the monthly payments without issue at this time.

We had a massive scare a few days after I originally made this post - we were absolutely convinced that that was it, that we were saying goodbye. She'd improved after we got her home, but then massively declined; in hindsight, it was most likely a swell of adrenaline/relief/not being at the vet anymore, followed by her needing to rest up after that sudden expenditure of energy. But at the time, it definitely looked like a relapse, and we had already decided--after talking to our vet--that we would not put her through another transfusion so quickly.

She was fine. Her red blood cell count was still rising, and she was livelier than they'd seen her at the emergency vet. So even if things take a bad turn, we've gotten another 5 good months with her and counting. I'm hoping she makes it to 18. I'm hoping she makes it to 20. I'm hoping she makes it beyond. I am so, so glad to have at least had another 5 months with her, and that we were not trapped in a situation where we had to live with the knowledge that while there were avenues we could pursue, we could not afford to save her.

[tavyliasin]

 Of Living, Loving, and the Strangest of Bedfellows - A Tav's Guide to Fucking Across Faerun: Sordid Coast Edition (ATG)

Trying something new, scheduling full fic chapter drops on Tumblr throughout this month! They'll drop around the same time every day, and enable those without AO3 to read the full works. So we're starting with my ongoing series, which is usually shortened to ATG in the titles so that's how you'll see it referred to from here on in! The chapters will also all be reblogged on my side blog @atavsguide for anyone who wants an easy way to find the posts again!

----- General Notes About ATG, Tav, and The Story Overall

Who is the Tav in this Fic?

Named in the first chapter as "Tavylia Rugala", this was my first concept for a Tav who would be able to be known as Tav but with a little of her own unique identity. One which I promptly adopted as my Psuedonym. By the time we get to later chapters, I no longer refer to her as Tavylia, and just call her Tav, as Tavylia has become more my identity than hers, and I do not consider her to be a self-insert. Tav is a cis woman, a high elf (wood elf) Rogue with the Urchin background. Her parents were former adventurers, one leaving when she was very young and the other died of sickness before she was 10. Because Rogues with living parents is weird, and it makes for an interesting enough start, and gives her reasons for her personality.

More details follow!

------------ So, Why The Long Title?

When I started, it seemed fun, fairly accurate to the vibe I'm going for, and ATG (A Tav's Guide) is a nice little shortening of it.

What's the Plot?

The premise is following the game, approximately, with a few changes to spice it up or allow for a parallel story. There's a lot in the game to expand on, and to add flavour to. The idea really came from the amount of options there are to have sexual encounters in the game, and how that can be a premise for a character who is interested in experiencing all of this to actually do so in a believable way to their personality. Hence, ATG's Tav. She's bold, maybe a little too bold for her own good, but having lead a hard life her philosophy is one of living in the moment, taking what pleasures she can get in life. Love and Lust are separate entities to her, she is quite happy to have a meaningful relationship, but doesn't need one to have good sex. And with the full agreement and ongoing communication with a romantic partner, she is confident indulging in sexual endeavours outside of the relationship, or even having a full polyamorous relationship if the context is right. So we will have the canon sex scenes, along with a few extras that I felt we were cheated out of (Raphael, please, just let me smooch the old devil). The main romance is Astarion, there will be poly involvement with Halsin, and I will try to cover every canon sex scene available in that setup along with some extras and canon-divergent relationship building amongst the characters.

How Long Will ATG Be?

Currently I am at 13 main chapters, and in Act 3 of the story. I think we can go to around 20 chapters to cover the pairings and story beats I intended, with a few fun spinoffs and side stories.

AMA!

Ask me anything about ATG, Tav, the pairings, characters, story, or anything else around the fic in the comments below~ I'll read and respond to all of them.

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hi~~~ For the "role in the ministry" event:

Would you say you're more likely to be a Sibling of Sin or a Ghoul? Why?

Honestly, i think i am more like a ghoul. I feel usually very disconnected from other people but when i find a group of people, with whom i just click with, i get very attached to them (sorta like a pack i suppose?)

Which Papa would you prefer to work with? Why? (Sister Imperator is included)

I'd like to work with Copia! He seems to be very organized which means that work would probably go smoothly. He is also not as intimidating as Secondo (he looks so grim!). And maybe i could take care of Copia's rats as well, when he works long hours….

Are you an introvert, ambivert or an extrovert? Tell us a bit more about it.

Probably ambivert. It really depends on the circumstances. There are days where other people are just exhausting to me. However, there are also times when i just crave to go to a party and talk to as many people as i can!

What chore do you like the most/hate the least?

I absolutely love doing laundry. It is so satisfying to get everything clean and smelling good.

Do you like to travel, or maybe you prefer to stay at home?

I like to travel for short periods, but most of the time i am a homebody.

Freebie. You've got five sentences to tell us anything you want about you.

I love being in nature and being able to take a hike in the woods. It is sooo relaxing. Also, i cannot stand heat (i am currently melting here in a heatwave :/ ). I have a very good memory and can learn new things very fast. Cuddling and having any kind of body contact with other people is also important to me.

(btw i really love this blog!! you are awesome people!! <3 <3)

The role in ministry event ended on July 20th

Your role in the Ministry is...Assistant to Papa Emeritus IV

Copia is always realy busy and running around doing different things, it's easy for him to forget stuff.

He relies on you to remind him of things that need doing, to organise things for him and so on.

You found some really cute rat shaped post it notes to write these reminders on.

Basically you keep him organised and on schedule.

Copia does work really long hours so he asks you to look after his rats while he does.

You also end up staying up late and helping him with some paperwork, the rats curled up around you asleep.

Copia can get a little stressed and overwhelemed sometimes. So to help him you came up with an idea.

You take him out for a hike in woods near the ministry and it helps you both feel calm again.

Copia really loves this so you go for a walk about once a week now.

~

Written by Nyx

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Gremlin update June 5th 2024

[forgor to post this wholeass blog? And it's big and full of explanations!]

So The sleep experiment is going how it's going.

This soft sad freak is tired

I -did- get through another 3 totes and get to the point where I am emotionally and logistically ready to actually start in on all the purging I said I would do this one time... I just need to actually get to it and my sleep schedule, and the failure of it, is actively making it hard to do stuff like that, or like calling my doctor

I have started on a new strategy for everything which involves playing the music box from Relto along with some extra rain and storm sound effects so it sound like I am in my Relto, except real, in the hopes that I can internalize this should be my personal space to do what I want with and that it should be more relaxing and clutter free for my enjoyment. Mentally keep me on task, you know? Keep me in a specific mindset and vibe.

It's been about a year of living here now and even though I have managed to mostly recover for the move and etc... and then get everything mostly in order, I am very sick of still having to look at a bunch of stuff that *needs* to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

I want to give you guys the after pics and get to put up my wall films and etc...

I spend almost 100% of my time home alone, it should be the kind of environment that feels relentlessly good to be in.

I also like, keep trying to mentally iron out what the final vision is, both for the long-term meantime and the end goal if I ever get a house of my own. I want to eliminate the idea of "for now" and the idea of "someday" as entirely as I can from my life, with the exception of having to rent. Because I am sick of always living in a very compromised "just for now".

And anything that isn't part of the vision is out... But I want to get really clear on what that vision is. I think it would really help me to get really solidly clear on it in some detail and consolidate all my interior design preferences into a plan, that can -at least for the near future- be adapted to a rental without compromising the final vision.

I think I need to be making moodboards, but I think I'm just going to be doing it in some standard art program. Or paint.

I like my bathroom purple and I like natural elements and I think the end goal as to bridge between Kadish tolesa and Catherine's secret ghost room from eyes of Ara, but make it a hot spring with some actual living plants.

I don't typically like painted surfaces, because it looks cheap and 'modern' [It's giving 'real life', very 'not fantasy', dated, 'time and space locked'] to me, I'd rather -at least visually- natural texture walls and polished wood, but I also like the look of colour drenching with dark moody colours... But currently I live in rentals where painting the ceiling anything but white is invariably a big nope.

I want my living area to be very in line with the dark moody green-teal living rooms people have finally come to agree are good, but with an emphasis on the plants and natural textures common to the beige trend. And I need it to bridge the gap to a bit kitschy, a bit Korok, a bit little stone cottage in the woods. I want a jungle 'mural' even if it's a big canvas.

The kitchen I would rather be full stone cottage, but I need it to work in a rental where I can't structurally change the cabinetry or appliances [it's all hard edged and white]. And I want it to be able to move with me and not cost a fortune in peel and stick because I am still on the rent geared to income waiting list and I don't know when I might be forced to move to maintain chob or the replacement with a rent controlled apartment. [$tore peel and stick for just the beige counters? Do everything else it a way that can come with me?]

Doing everything with dollar store peel and stick and then moving in 3 years wouldn't be a financial disaster, but I'd still like to take things with me. [Maybe spray starch and fabric will work on cabinets too? Or a water based adhesive?? The fabric could be peeled off, washed lightly without washing off any paint, folded up and re-used later]... But also downsizing everything and finishing all physical projects has to be a priority before addressing the surface finishes of the apartment... Which I probably just have to settle for. [For the record it looks like the waiting list has stretched to probably at least 7 years even from when I applied because it was a prerequisite to people getting the housing benefit]

The bedroom [Or bed box!] needs to be dark and moody in teal, I want elements of magical library and observatory. I want dark blue ceilings with sky-like elements or cloudy mural painted ceilings in general. It can be a tiny space with just room for a bed. Right now my bedroom really just is a bed, the bedroom should be pure luxury and as dark as possible. I like cool colours and jewel tones with warm lighting. [Pumpkin says "njm "] [Also thinking I might eventually make boards that attach to the outside of my bunk bed to effectively make it a closet with a bunk in the top that I can paint inside and out...]

My office probably needs to share with my bedroom for space in most cases. My office should look like something an archivist/librarian would cook up if he got really into the puzzle games I like and stained glass, with plants taking over like Poison Ivy came for a visit.

Something like this with more dark natural wood:

With a heavy emphasis on natural textures, metal, wood, glass, stone, and a tendency against painting wood instead of having natural dark woods [stained or not]. An emphasis on texture in general and staying away from too much plastic or painted surfaces. And lower maintenance, I don't want a bunch of fake plants I have to dust but that don't add to the air quality and will start to look ratty. Less but real plants I think is a better sell, mostly. I also like a lot of playing with colured light and glow-in-the-dark elements that aren't just the default green. And as much as I like the look of geode sinks I would want something polished so it's easy to clean, and sorts of tweaks like that. I'm torn about growing a lilac tree in my bathroom because they smell so so so strong. [getting some smart bulbs would be nice I think] [I DID that! by now which is October!]

The thing is though that this is a lot of dark and moody and I also "need" a lighter space with more bright colours and whimsy, particularly for a crafting area. In a house this could be a separate room. I can probably avoid any stark white or anything too neon and come up with something with a similar impact that's a lot more agreeable to visually blend with everything else... Probably. Or I have one corner that curtained off idk, the kitchen is white anyway unless I get really creative about it.

I have a 10*17 [not counting the strip of cabinets] space to fit this into, plus the hallway-shaped bathroom.

I have most of the supplies to do it, but none of the workspace, none of the fresh air space, and a bunch of extra supplies that could be useful, but do not necessarily factor into the end vision... And then about 100 other unfinished projects. I'll have to use non-toxic water based products to do most of it indoors.

Part of the issue is I have a lot of stuff left over from whatever "for now" I was working on in every other place I lived before I had to shove it all back into boxes and move again. Some of it is good in any space, some of it was based around what was available at the time, even during times when shopping online wasn't an option and there was no local crafting store. Parsing all of that takes work and time, and places to put everything I am not keeping and a way to physically get it there, that I just couldn't spare to the process in the last move, but I want to get this all sorted out before the next potential of having to move, and in good time so I can start enjoying a stress-free environment. That's the main priority, not treating this as a final space to settle into indefinitely, as a main priority, but first making sure I can pick up and move way more easily if I have to again without losing anything I really value in the process. [like money from my savings account in moving costs]

And then I have to worry about the fact that my apartment is a light grey box with a drop ceiling, boob lights and all white plastic coated ikea cabinets and that I can't do very much to modify that base... I am thinking to cover everything I reasonably can in peel and stick or hanging fabric or rugs and magnet-on options.

Like I want the base to look like this:

But I have a little grey box of a rental, and I have to figure out how to disguise it... In a renter friendly way. I don't think there's a video or suggestion online left I haven't thoroughly turned around in my head and iterated on.

Stage prop walls or wall furniture that can fold out and be moved, or wall films, basically is my best option. UNLESS, unless I get fully downsized and I venture to ask my landlord how they feel about me painting and they tell me to do what I want because everything in here is a run down grey and white box that can be painted white again when I go...

~*~

June 5th

2:00 pm

Today was the electrical fiasco day from the sleep experiment logs. Trying to call my doctor and not getting through.

Going to try to talk myself into getting back to organizing things more. I'm so hecking tired though.

~*~

7:00 pm

I called the clinic that works with my doctor and they don't do walk in by appointment anymore but I can get an appointment with the nurse practitioner faster than I would with my GP, problem is they are so busy I can't get a call to go through all day, so I have to call again tomorrow.

I proceeded to get another half of what I needed to done, to be solidly at the endpoint of code indigo... If I get all the storage into just 2 tidy looking blocks, next to the entry in totes and under just the bed, then I can clean and organize the rest of the apartment around it, start focusing on downsizing things one single element or tote at a time in detail without worrying I am leaving my whole apartment a mess to do it. I can go through the stack at the door more at my leisure, then switch them out with ones under the bed, etc and so on until finally I am down to "I can't possibly purge anything more without finishing projects", which will be code purple, or the beginning stage of it.

This year.

This fucking year.

And code purple will include going through all my paperwork and fully organizing a medical binder with my full medical history which I will finish getting from my doctor and from the hospital. It will include reading through and potentially purging books, it will include contact paper and window treatments and making lamp shades, etc... It's where I get to make this place really nice. Redo my book cases and slip-cover my ugly books. Strip everything down to just what I would want to move into my house whenever I can afford one.

I am also shopping around for 3 things:

-A tiny very cheap air conditioner, self explanatory [check]

-A bread maker, when I make bread it tends to be hard and dense because I'm lazy [read: disabled, no longer necessary]

-A slow cooker because I think it runs the highest potential for cooking full fucking meals without making my apartment as hot as the oven would [perhaps less needed now]

I will start with the air conditioner and then see if i find the other two necessary :/ [nah, fuck it, I have other priorities, the apartment doesn't get too hot from me cooking with the oven anymore]

~*~

June 10th [Monday]

11:00 am

I did fall asleep in time to be up by 5 am but since my amazing sleep yesterday until 8 am, I have had insomnia again and failed to sleep more than 2 hours during the same time slot, I didn't fall asleep again until past 3 and slept until around 9, well past the time I would need to leave.

In exchange, I did very much make sure I got through to my doctor's office, and they are calling me back to set an appointment. I am hoping I can have one that's both soon and first thing in the morning, with the emphasis on first thing in the morning.

On Sunday though, I woke up after a full night of sleep at 8 am.

Because a sleep schedule is clearly the enemy and I can only sleep spontaneously if I want to sleep well, but I did and then I actually had the energy to move around.

I got a bunch more stuff organized and cleaned up, probably half again what's left. Got the wood planks and thick branches out from the bottom of my stool and out of the stack of chairs by the door, and just generally got every bit of extra clutter I am not dealing with right now collected under the bed in storage, of everything that fit. Might switch out the old mattress skin for the lamp shades and/or chair base. [Now debating attaching the old chair base under one of my wood chairs to temporarily convert it into a wheeling computer chair????]

Everything else needs micro sorting or decisions about whether and where to keep it, or is the stack of totes, or is the stuff I am switching out in the green box under the book cases later.

So next is micro sorting two totes of tools and electronics adjacent, and then another tote of electronics, to put all the tools and hardware away tidily and accessibly, and then have the electronics that are "garbage" picked up by a [free] safe disposal service.

I think the next step after that is the armchair, reupholstering it, but I need to find my drill for that and it might have been stolen. I might also need some more large headed screws and washers or brackets to re-anchor the existing base metal "wiggles" [like a spring support but not a spring??].

But first it's generally cleaning and organizing everything else that's out now down to a fine detail, and the 3 totes [different ones from last time].

~*~

Did I skip ahead to doing the micro organizing on a bunch of surfaces such as my second desk and far counter? Yes.

If I get an AC I will need the space.

Did I jump to repairing a chair to get it out of the house? Yes.

It happened to have all parts become available, including screws, and get in the way while I was working.

Did I clean up and organize around my bathroom sink, again? Yes.

It was dirty :(

Did I do all of that to avoid dishes? Also yes, but mostly because I realize I have no dish soap left that I can find and so I was jumping tasks unconsciously.

Anyway place is 50% cleaner on the front of actually cleaning.

The reason why I have these heaps of electronics to go through is I can repair some of it, and some of it still works, but I won't know what works and what I can repair until I go through it and try it all, and then try repairing it all, so it gets put off because I don't have the time to stop and test everything and then get into electronics projects... But I will be going through that as a last priority for what I have out now. At least I can get my non-working electronics down to one bin to keep to fix later if I can and find someplace to put it.

Tomorrow the -plan- is to go to Walmart in the morning, grab some stuff, and if they don't call me back with an appointment by 3 ish I am going to their walk in clinic right when it opens. Apparently no one goes up there till clinic hours open in the evening.

Next is dishes and maybe a good deep vacuuming, floor cleaning, then the sorting that isn't electronics.

Having a wrap now and hoping to get good sleep soon, and before 5 am.

I did tie my fan up into my window with rope to solve the problem of my fan falling down, but now I'll need to untie the chair from the freezers to refurbish it...

Glued the handles back on my spice rack today now that the doors are dry.

~*~ June 11th

I did not go to walmart today, I did not get a call, I am not leaving for the clinic, I am too tired.

I did wash my dishes with the dregs of watered down dish soap and start on some laundry.

I designed what I am doing with the cat stand and designed a new door sign.

I am very tired, but also very bored.

I have no energy to do anything but I keep getting up and cleaning or organizing little things because I am restless and TV and etc is boring me right now.

I'm not going to resort to a video game until getting myself to clean stops working. [video games did not help either anyway]

I just need restful sleep.

~*~

June 13th

1:40 pm

Yesterday I got out to walmart and had an experience.

Turns out the air conditioner was 100$ more in person, and the store staff caught me struggling to load one into my cart, when I told them I didn't have access to a vehicle and was on a pension, I think the lady just assumed I was special needs of some kind and proceeded to lead me around the store seeking help from other people instead of just answering my questions. She kept saying "They really -need help-" to other people instead of just answering the questions I was asking, kept insisting someone just "show" me... So I ended up standing near the checkouts trying to access their site for a half hour because no one could tell me that their online site accepts paypal with no credit backing, or that the shipping was free. I needed to know the exact amount with tax and shipping to buy a single use credit card for about 10 bucks...

The better customer service would have looked like:

-knowing their site took paypal with no credit

-answering my questions directly

-knowing there was no shipping on something that expensive so I could multiply the price by 1.13 and get the exact final charge

-having internet that works

-letting me have the online price in store and arranging delivery instead of making someone on a disability pension jump through a bunch of stupid hoops when they clearly have no issue delivering it from the local store or accepting 100$ less for it

Any 1-2 of the above would have meant not standing around in Walmart for an extra half hour while staff felt compelled to look over my shoulder the whole time to make sure I felt "helped"..........

I need to straighten my eyebrows and speak louder or some shit.

So I got home, discovered I can just order shit to my door from them with paypal, and then browsed their site enough it decided I was a bot -after- I placed two orders, one with paypal and one with 'credit', and permanently locked my browser out of their site despite that I have a vpn?? So now I have to browser hop to even check on the order details and I am at risk of losing access to my account whenever.

So I called customer care and arranged a call back and they just never called me back.

My doctor's office also never called me.

I have checked my phone settings there are no calls in the call history.

I didn't sleep very much or very well and wanted to go back to bed this morning but I can't because of the delivery of unspecified time, but I sure would love to have that air conditioner they said was arriving today... Some time before 9 pm...

I tried playing TOTK and couldn't focus, tried watching cartoons and couldn't focus, tried watching youtube at 1.5 speed and focused for a little, but honestly I had B vitamins and iodine at the same time so now I am hyperthyroid enough to combat some of the fatigue and return me to a state of functioning that allows me to experience how bad my ADHD can get. Nothing is satisfying! Nothing can hold my attention! Everything is boring and frustrating!

I mounted the wall decoration I just repaired that holds a candle and cone incense. Then I organized all the white buckets that sit on top of my cupboards. There's now a clean row of them with nothing else up there and 4 of them are empty.

I am really really just a couple cardboard boxes and 3 totes away from this phase of organizing being complete where if someone needs in here it shouldn't be a complete disaster. For the first time since I was packed in here with a house of stuff like a sardine can with a 1 foot clearance to get to the bathroom and the rest of the apartment packed tight floor to ceiling. Still have barely gotten rid of anything, this is impressive, you should all be impressed.

I'm going to the clinic at open on Monday, since my doctors don't seem to want to call me back with an appointment time. Hope nothing big gets delivered then IG.

~*~

I keep going back and forth on doing up the apartment in peel and stick options -in theory so far- because like, yeah the backsplash is small enough to enjoy for a bit before I go, but at some point they'll contact me about my place on the 'rent geared to income' list, and if none of the 3 places are suitable and I have to reject them all, I am worried I will be kicked off CHOB too, but otherwise I will be forced to move again anyway... The wait time WAS 4 years before CHOB incentivized a bunch of people to get on it, and before corona... I have no idea what the wait time is now, but I might have to move -again- in the next 5 years whether I want to or not...

So my solutions might end up being more along the lines of cat proof floor mats and wall or ceiling hangings that are easy to pull off by the magnets or tacks and take with me. Still going to use dollar-store peel and stick on the counters and the tops of my freezers though, and probably do something fancier on the backsplashes because they are currently drywall. I still have that brick one for the kitchen.

Might just use heavily coloured lighting to create a vibe and tint the walls???

I want to either write or organize more but my lack of physical energy keeps making me think "eugh I am too tired to do anything" despite that I clearly have some mental energy right now, just like, zero focus. IDK if caffeine will help, my head hurts and I want to sleep.

In a world without Corona or deliveries I would just walk out the door right now and hit the garden store to look at plants or take a nap.

~*~

June 15th

I'm just tired. I think I am crashing a little bit again.

I am trying to make myself clean and organize, and I -like- organizing and sorting things, but I just can't find the energy to get started. I want some satisfying meals and deserts but I don't have it in me to cook right now.

I keep feeling like I just need restful sleep to be productive but then not being able to get restful sleep because my body still keeps trying to go back to that 10-2 schedule and only sleep 1.5-3.5 hours at a time, or trying to sleep from 5 am till 10 am when I know I shouldn't be sleeping and when everyone else is really noisy outside my window.

My apartment is finally down to temperature, and it was actually cool out last night so the temp dropped to a whole 24 degrees while I was sleeping which is way too chilly for me. Since i don't have to worry about capturing cold and trying to hold it now, 27 is probably a fine temperature, or even 28 if I am just sitting here, so long as it isn't 30 or more, and so long as I don't overheat while working. I was even able to bake potatoes.

Being so close to everything being -near as possible to- in order, and yet so fucking tired, too tired to keep pushing myself is just so frustrating.

It's 10am and I am going to nap for now and see how I feel.

~*~

I was awake for a while last night but then I also slept till 6pm today.

The litter is facing a delay of unknown cause. It's local. The rest doesn't get here till the 26th or later so I don't have to worry about going to the clinic or shopping once the litter arrives.

I caved and ordered some cheap window films because they were like 3-10 each with no shipping [as opposed to 45+ each panel] and one of them reminds me of Tomanah. The other is to tint the fluorescent lighting in the bathroom, mostly.

I have a schedule mapped out for going to the clinic and for any upcoming shopping over the next couple months. I don't know if a formal schedule will help me, but I have one now. Don't know if I'll remember to look at it, but maybe I'll think to check if it's FUCKING LABOUR DAY AGAIN before I leave the house. A calendar has never helped me before but this one is up next to my head with external reminders to check it for deliveries and because I know there are appointments on it. [If I make scheduling and managing myself a special interest and checking my to do list an obsession the ADHD can't get me]

Going to try to make myself clean, or eat something and go right back to bed because it's 8 pm.

~*~

June 16th

9:00 am

Went back to bed because it was a little past 11 when I finished eating.

Woke up at 6:30 this morning because I still haven't changed my 5 am alarm to go off on weekends. Perhaps I can't bring myself to since I don't shop on weekends anyway, and I hate interrupting sleep.

Anyway the shower stall is cleaned out now, and I moved one plant light to the window out here where I plan to keep my kitchen garden and probably still my succulents. The main issue is the ac tube is now taking up most of that space. Eventually the plan was to reorganize this corner enough to move the desk back, take the table halves out from behind it, and slide everything over so my bed has room to rest on the floor, instead of propped up by a foot and a half. Now the plan may also be to put a shelf in the sill to extend it out. I just think it's more space efficient to have the plants in the window than build a whole grow box for my second counter. [the desk may end up elevated to at least the counter, maybe window height, allowing the ac tube to go directly to the sink] [the drain hose now goes to the sink, as of like a month after this]

I also put up a window valence to keep the grow light from being in the corner of my eye unshaded.

The other bright side to the AC is that I no longer need a fan directly on me to sleep, so I don't have to chose between heatstroke in my sleep and encrusted sinuses. The fan cord doesn't need to cross under my chair and the fan and filter can be put somewhere more central.

Also literally the only place to put the unit was on the desk next to me in the corner where the tube could reach the window, so all I have to do is move the grill downward and I can feel like I am standing in an open refrigerator whenever I get too hot, such as when moving around cleaning. I have no doubt this will help me be more productive.

I want to get some more plants though, eventually, in part because I will have the window open less, I'd also like to get a way to measure CO2 in here. There's still the faint smell of smoke coming from the ceiling and I can't tell if it's just soaked into the drop ceiling tiles or if there's air wafting down from the apartment above. It hasn't been enough for a severe allergy attack or to notably expose me to anything, but it can't be good for me long term and it is very annoying. I still plan to seal up the ceiling, but the more I make this place a sealed box [it will never actually be a sealed box, but still], the more I want to watch the oxygen or CO2 levels. I -know- it's hard to impact air quality at home using plants, but I notice a difference, and it isn't only about the oxygen, and it's also about the mental health aspect of having living plants close by. And cooking, I have lettuce in a pot now but I want tomato, cucumber, herbs, and lettuce for winter.

The plant rack in the bathroom I have decided --once I can move most of my gardening supplies out of the bottom and to under the sink in the kitchen-- I am removing most of the upper half from, leaving a toilet-reach-height counter level, the full width as a cupboard at the bottom, and the bare thinnest part of the frame up the whole back. This will eliminate a good amount of it's actual weight, and a LOT of it's visual weight, and give me someplace to put my 3 remaining grow lights over the 3 glass shelves I have and 3 fixed pots, some hanging pots and a counter for plants [and to set things when I pee]. It will also give me somewhere to put a tank [aquarium or vivarium] or a fountain if I want one in there. The bottom cupboard can be where I put the linens I currently have stacked on top of it. I would -like- to get this done by fall so I can buy plants this year.

~*~

So I got all the greenhouse pieces and the tent bag into the box that the AC came in. Did I mention it was perfect to re-home those things together? [nearly anyway], and fits on my dresser under the tool boxes? But the old tent box that the greenhouse was crammed in was a lot smaller and had cat pee on it by this point.

With that out of the way I cleaned 2/3 of the bathroom, top to bottom, including the walls... And then started re-potting some plants. Tomorrow I would -like- to finish the bathroom, do the dishes and clean up the counters, but I also have the clinic at 3:30 ish

~*~

June 17th

2:20 pm

I slept, no idea how or how long idk, I woke up past 8 I think? I ignored my alarm because I didn't sleep enough before it. Whatever.

I did more re-potting, I ate, I called my doctor's office and actually got through and then they got back to me with an appointment this time, I called the ultrasound place and they said they need to have the referral resent. I also contacted the email for the EDS clinic now that I have my health-card renewed but I think I still need to call the women's hospital college, and now:

I have a first thing appointment next week

I need to get them a 4 gig or more thumb drive to get my medical record by August... Which might mean a walmart trip to avoid the whole delivery system...

T~T I want to sleep.

Really I did all this phone work and just sent an email because I don't have the energy to want to go to the clinic. I'd rather prioritize cleaning the last 3rd of my bathroom.

~*~

June 18th

3:00 pm

So, I slept, I woke up for 4 is h hours last night just to get the bees out by ranting about something from my childhood, to myself, fed Pumpkin and then slept, and then got up just long enough to cram some cracker and tea in my face-hole while half awake, and then slept till noon.

Pumpkin was not pleased. [He climbed 7 feet into my bed to get me]

I do not know what happened to my morning alarm or alarms.

At least I know it wasn't heat stroke.

I also seem to have the AC insert taped up so well that no odd smells are getting in.

And I put back up the mirror that came with the rental, this time opposite the medicine cabinet, so I was able to cut my hair again yesterday while being able to actually see the back. I was doing so good at shaving half my hair blind, but there was a little fringe where I was too nervous to get up to the long part without seeing what I was doing. My bathroom is slowly filling with mirrors in a way that was not planned... But it's like hall shaped so that kind of works.

So Now I have one phone call to make and kind of nothing I "need" to be getting to for a solid week. Nothing other than organizing and cleaning more which is what I wanted to focus on anyway.

I'm sure I'll have more energy after I eat something but my goal is to get as much done as I can by my appointment next week.

I had to order from walmart again because I need to get some usb sticks to get my medical records any way, so I took some money back out of savings just till the end of this month to make sure they get here soon. Got a couple other things I was anticipating having to go back to the store for [or can't get anywhere locally], since at least I know their deliveries have been getting here reliably so far. Next month there's going to be a lot more back into savings.

I am trying to get some things to take a hardware store trip off my schedule, so I don't have to go out again, but now walmart is suddenly acting like it can't accept my papal payments. Paypal is linked to my bank account properly and shows the previous payments, but isn't withdrawing the money from my account? Even though they are delivering the stuff. I am trying to solve the problem by putting the money on my paypal first and then making the purchase but loading my paypal will take 3-5 days and I just have to hope walmart's prices or the products available don't change in that time??? I guess?

~*~

8:20 pm

I got my spice racks hung up on the wall, refilled all my spice jars, consolidated all the bag spices I keep buying and re-organized the tea and spice cupboard. There were only a couple spices I bought multiples of since burying half of my stuff in the move and it's all together now. Also when I am cooking I will have all of... hang on... 47+ unique spices [not counting variants like whole vs ground cardamom pods]... Because when I see a new spice/herb I get it.

Next I need to organize the sugar and nuts in the baking cabinet and stop procrastinating about those next 3 totes.

Got the last re-potting done and put off the sink of dishes by doing it :/

But at least now I have my choice of ways to flavour my food and a selection of teas? [Some are mystery tea from mystery origins]

~*~

June 19th

3:40 am

I slept okay but then woke up too hot again. I checked my bank on a whim and those payments have finally processed. I -still- cant put through the order, but I suspect after a bit more processing time I will be able to. That leaves only paint and paintable caulking to get at the hardware store when I am ready for actually using it.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep for a bit.

~*~

I slept and then washed all my dishes and re cleaned out the sink, I put out bird seed and trimmed the flowers again so they can get water better. Now I am set up to wash out the tool buckets and then start on laundry. Then I can sort the stuff out of 2 of the bins into buckets and tool boxes.

I'm trying to pace myself through the next week because it's better to actually get it done in a week's time than to feel pressured to do it immediately or in one day and keep putting off starting it because it's too much to do at once.

~*~

June 20th

3:10 pm

I decided to do the math on how much money I get per year because of a post I saw today, and because I do not remember off-hand from doing my taxes, and while I was at it decided to do the math on how much I spent this year on groceries, at various stores, etc... The problem is that I do a lot of multi purpose shopping at walmart and I don't keep good track of receipts at present.

I know I have been super lax with my budget this year -for me at least which isn't saying much, because I am a hard-ass about finances- because of the move, because of trying to save energy and problems from the really hot summer and having to work around a storage puzzle of an apartment to try to get everything sorted out and fit in here properly and etc [like extra money on disposable paper cleaning supplies to save spoons and laundry]... And also because I have started to trend slightly more towards fixing my current quality of life rather than put everything off until I can somehow afford a house. I did want to prove to myself that I could make 1300 per month and tax money work, in case I lost CHOB at some point, and I hadn't thought I had done that, but even being super lax and not trading down to a smaller internet package and buying every puzzle game I could that went on super sale, and not being set up with the food bank quite yet and etc... I still put away an average of about 300$ per month to savings and have only averaged being 300$ above my ideal budget. [this is a solvable amount if I downgrade my internet and get set up at the food bank and cut all unnecessary spending]

As a specific example I spent a -possibly unhinged- total of 1972$ at walmart this year including all the stuff I just ordered online [minus the switch and AC because those are really one time costs, that I don't expect to repeat] and that is not normal for me. Normally, I only get honey, cat products, pharmaceuticals and sometimes cream at walmart, but there was a lot of "new apartment" things I got this year that I was either going to get there or at a hardware store. In fact I only went to an actual hardware store ONCE this past year and spent 135$. Walmart is currently my catch-all shopping place for everything outside of food and digital goods, unfortunately. I went to an actual pharmacy one time this year when I had to buy that batch of allergy meds when I couldn't breathe, and that was for 45$.

I spent 3029$ on food this year, again, in part because I was being lax, because I am not yet set up at the food bank, and because all during last summer I mostly had to rely on food I could open and eat cold, because the movers buried my kitchen and then because it was 50/120 degrees in here with no AC. This is actually close to budget anyway?, surprisingly.

I spent 589$ on alcohol, in part because I am trying to restock my drink cabinet from scratch [having one of each kind I actually drink on hand, not something I was doing around roommates], and because I was relying on whisky to disinfect my mouth and as toothpaste equivalent, until I got the electric tooth brush.

I went to the dollar store 4 times this past year when I usually go 2 times a year [It's once a year if I skip the spring trip, babey]. A total of 571 for the whole year, a lot of it being cat treats and cat food, or cleaning supplies, or more grocery items. I don't think I bought anything much for crafting this year at all actually.

Between my VPN and all the heavily discount games I keep buying I spent 208$ in a year, which is not a lot for an entertainment budget [that's two AAA games for most people]. Realistically, even if I don't like the idea of spending that much. If you put the 800 I spent on a switch monitor and 2 games in with it, That might even actually be a reasonable "entertainment/going out" budget, which I normally don't even spend on. [usually a game a year is a lot for me and I do not regularly buy gaming systems at all and rarely get a new computer/part, I don't go out, eat out, see movies, pay for streaming etc at all].

In total I got about 1943 on average per month with tax money. Spent 1000 on rent, 39 on my phone, 85 on internet, 252 on food, 165 on cat supplies and misc food and cleaning at walmart, 47 on misc and food/cat supplies at the dollar store, and 50 on alcohol [which is a lot and will be much reduced next year but also have you seen the price of alcohol? I'm allergic to toothpaste and mouthwash!]. The pharmacy and hardware outside of walmart were an average of 15 per month together.

I still put away well over 3000 from that budget plus whatever extra tax cheques they sent out that I didn't bother counting. At this rate it would take me 9 years to finish saving up to my limit of 40k. I would like to do it faster than that, particularly if I can get my paperwork in order for the disability tax credit and an LDSP.

BUT! If they try to claim I don't qualify to have an LDSP, this all honestly matters a lot less because I will have to wait for the housing market to calm the fuck down, my income to catch up and will only be able to save 40k at most regardless for a down payment [unless they expand the asset limit to actually let disabled people save up for a home]. I have kind of started to feel like starving myself of *most* comfort to try to save up for a house I don't even know if the government will let me buy is maybe kind of me being insane?? No one -should- be able to put away 300$ per month on my budget anyway, and maybe if I am not spending on clothes or makeup or hair cuts, or anything fancy or hyper-consumery the reward for that should be things that make my life nicer and easier? I feel like 10k in savings is a decent safety net and so long as I am adding to it as much as I can -within reason- I should be fine??? *knocks on wood or what have you*

In the coming year I do not anticipate buying a bunch of old puzzle games, in a large part because there won't be a new 30+ years of games coming out in the next single year. So the most I might buy is a couple games if they go on super sale or if Cyan makes a new title maybe? [I got all their oldest games and all the new ones on steam for like 15$ since this, that's it]

I'll never go out, just to go out again, with corona. I have no transportation or entertainment budget or even food budget/spending outside of just groceries and games.

I have an electric tooth brush and a toothpaste I have been tolerating in small quantities so I won't be as reliant on whisky for oral hygiene.

I won't be buying a bunch of stuff to fix up my apartment and furniture [barring some enamel paint and some possible peel and stick options, casters] going forward.

I WILL be getting set up with the food bank properly.

I won't be needing scads of allergy meds now that I live alone [and there's a hard limit imposed by my kidneys as we have learned :(].

I won't be replacing my bedding with breathable cotton sateen again for the next 10-20 years. Or doing things like buying file folders to organize my filing or things like paper towel holders and shower curtains... Because I have those now.

Thanks to the AC and having settled in some, I have a full kitchen and can cook for myself. And I won't -I the fuck hope- keep having to buy AC units.

I have every intention of switching internet providers the moment I can find a 25$ unlimited package that would be comparable service, or the moment I need to.

I did use walmart this month to catch up on whatever online shopping I can no longer do, buying specialty items and the like [they have an adult section btw], but after this batch of stuff, even setting up a new apartment or replacing anything that broke in or since the last move etc and so on, I don't anticipate needing to buy much more from them than what I would be buying in person anyway, which will be cat litter and food, cat smell cleaning spray, honey, advil, polysporin and spray alcohol... Now delivered to my door [yippee]. [Genuinely, I have told you about every online purchase I have made since and it is not much. I got the casters for my freezers, lights, the washing machine and drying rack.]

I also bought a *specialty* item for like 130$, and another specialty item for 50-ish and I -did- count that, and maybe shouldn't in terms of expected ongoing spending because the big one is a one time purchase [and I am hoping the 50$ item will bloody last this time]. I will not be buying more of these. I do not have room for another one of these. It would be useless and unreasonable to collect these.

And you would think "well, there is always one more little thing that comes up!" yeah but genuinely every years my spending reduces dramatically nearly as predicted and I am running out of things to improve my quality of life that I had been writing off as extraneous.

But here's is the other problem, if i can't get officially qualified for the disability tax credit, even though I do realistically qualify... My savings limit stays at 40k and I can't having savings or assets -like even an RDSP apparently- exempt from that because they won't let me have an LDSP... Which means from here out, after I save near enough 40k... I either spend my pension or lose it. Which means, with my "lifestyle" I will have disposable income I am not used to spending. Realistically, I should spend it on food and supplements, most of it anyway. It also means that making my life easier and better quality in the interim could be the financially smarter move, and going without in exchange for growing savings might be useless and counterproductive.

I am so used to living in a way that's very utilitarian in a lot of ways, and relies on my own ability to craft things or make-do. So I am going to spend the next couple years trying to spend 300 LESS per month, so that in about 5-10 years time I will have done a good job saving all that I can and can realistically start looking at whether it's a viable down payment or if I have an ldsp to add to it for buying a house, or better income, or some way of making sure a mortgage doesn't turn predatory as fuck and take my house away after another 5-10 years... Or if I have saved all that as an elaborate financial safety net I cannot spend on a house for government enforced logistical reasons, and suddenly have to start spending money if i want to keep my pension [or keep the full amount].

I am anticipating the system punishing success and outright prohibiting me from providing for my own future, btw. That is where my experience tells me this is headed.

Not for nothing but they have already unofficially audited me for having savings at all the moment I asked a question about the asset limit.

Part of me thinks I should not be living so minimally in a financial and rent crisis that I still could somehow face that question in 5-10 years. There are things I could pay for that could save me so much trouble. And I could stand to live a bit less strictly.

Part of me thinks I could be spending more on supplements, comfort objects, adult toys, games, media, books, wine, house plants, nice food, mobility aids, nice furniture, a nicer computer, etc...

Part of me worries CHOB will end in 4 years and they'll raise my rent and the 'rent geared to income" wait list will be another 3-4 years longer than expected [it is], or they won't have a place suitable for me due to corona... And I will go back to having to make a -now- 1400 budget [with tax money] work when my rent is over 1000...

The biggest problem I am having is that my financial future depends entirely on the whims of the government and my doctors, and the market and almost not at all on my own decisions or actions. I cannot predict the whims of the government, my doctors, or the markets or global economy, so I cannot reasonably know what to prepare for, or what I can hope for as my best case scenario. I don't know what extreme of crisis I should be fearing. I don't know what it's even worth trying to achieve.

Maybe we get UBI and housing prices come down and they make an actually good home buying plan for the disabled and all this scrounging and belt tightening become moot? Or maybe super duper pay off? Who knows!

If I do end up with a disposable income somehow I will start donating to charities again for sure, and getting services like nebula and skillshare. Maybe a succulent subscription box? Peel and stick the shit out of my stupid ugly rentals, or just paint every surface I want to and paint it back when I go with much less fear of my landlords trying to charge me money idk. Switch out their stupid faucets or replace their whole cabinetry with real wood and not mention it.

I did... Okay this year. I'd like to either do better, or EAT a lot better next year. I'll probably inevitably spend less for the reasons given, maybe a lot less.

But yeah, with the exception of not -yet- having CHOB for this month to put back into savings after the walmart online shopping. I got myself up to 10k this year [it is in my account as of the 29th], to save my ass in some way, either in case I lose income or to get myself out of rentals and housing instability [or abusive roommates and landlords etc]. I cannot really be mad at myself for handling the crisis I was fucking put through in the last year with negative support and still coming out of it 3k richer in this economy [actually only 1k ish because of moving costs and etc that came out of savings but you know, those costs were going to happen either way and ALSO shouldn't happen again *knocks on fucking wood*].

A tiny part of me is like "If you had this money suddenly at any point in the past 10 years you would have felt like you won a minor lottery, chill a little would you?" [and your mom would be pissed to know it, she angrily can't understand how her impulse shopping and substance use might be adding up] And that's fair, but also they could leave me on a disability pension with rent that's not so slowly escalating over 1k indefinitely and not -let- me plan for my future beyond that. 100$ now buys what 20$ used to and I do not care for these equations.

I am either doing very well, or not nearly good enough and only the future cost-of-living will tell me.

Though -granted- if I am not doing well enough, it is because everyone is fucked entirely. I live in a consumerist capitalist culture as someone who consumes as minimally as possible; as a necessity, a choice, and a personality quirk.

Also like, if my health degrades to 0 in the next 20 years and I die young I don't want to have lived my whole life scrounging just to save up money for someone else who probably wasn't even decent to me while I was alive.

... Hence the recent walmart spending. I just want to have a few nice things, even if the stuff I want -that's also somehow expensive- is *very* limited. [except tools and gadgets, I want a kiln and a 3d printer but you know... That waits for a house I think...]

~*~

June 22nd

5:30 pm

Slept a bunch and then slept until noon.

Had a knock on the door but it was just someone in a black car who waited just out of view of my camera, to see if I would come out and then drove off without a word. Highly sus, do not trust. He did not deliver anything. I have had a problem with angry neighbours and service men banging on my door to try to demand entry with no notice or to speak to me while they are pissed off, so I did not like this. His car, him everything was left just barely out of view of my camera and he didn't look up the entire time.

[went back and reviewed the footage, apparently there was a package that he put where I couldn't see it from inside, and he took it again before leaving, but in a way that was a weirdly fast swoop, like he was trying to make sure he was out of frame when the camera triggered? I only caught that it was him because his shoes barely made it back into the frame on the way back to his car, otherwise it would have been a camera trigger that showed nothing but the package suddenly being gone, also after knocking once the first time he didn't try knocking again before leaving he just tried the knob... Like this was the most weirdly sus way to try to deliver a package, like the way you would deliver something if you wanted it to look like a delivery to the neighbours and have footage of you leaving the package, but no evidence of you taking it and leaving, and he covered himself trying my knob with his body and did it super subtly, either to not give away my door was left unlocked for him -it wasn't- or to hide he was trying the knob at all??? Nothing in the app showed as on the way at all until at least 5 days later, and the only two items it could have been -due to size- aren't expected until next month, or are showing as being on the way for the 28th, the box looked weirdly beat up and there was paper hanging off of it oddly?? He left no note about any attempted delivery and didn't try again since as of the 29th]

Cleaned out the containers I was going to sort things into and caught up on dishes again again... And emptied out the first of 3 totes. Mostly it's tools and hardware as described, but I will be seeing how much of it I can sort into my tool boxes. After the second tote which is hardware and electronics.

~*~

June 28th

I went back to sleep around 7 ish and slept solidly until more fucking firecrackers woke me up at almost 11. I'm either awake for the day now or I will eat and have tea and go right back to bed.

The problem is I had to jog just a little bit to get to my appointment in time, and that made it so my legs hurt so much the next day I couldn't lift them without helping with my hands.

Idk what happened. I left myself an hour to get there, and I know where it is, objectively, but the part of my brain that was piloting did not know and I walked 6 blocks past where I needed to turn before I realized the problem.

I have no idea where I thought I was walking off to. Into the forest forever idk. [I forgot at this time but their office used to be in another further location, duh! It was just a memory lapse, or clarity from my soul that they would never help me and I wanted to be free!]

My ultrasounds are scheduled, the nurse-practitioner agrees it's probably a burst ganglion cyst, but didn't argue with me about wanting it checked. She is making me make a whole separate appointment to get referred to a dermatologist for the other bump though, instead of just knocking two referrals off in one appointment. She likes wasting her time and mine and increasing everyone's covid exposure IG.

I have been overall impressed with the delivery service and mail, where they will just shove any package conceivably small enough in my box, and all other large packages, they knocked at reasonable volume, and stood with the package in clear view until I came out and accepted them. All other deliveries have come in a delivery truck or by mail service, not a lone black car.

One package it could theoretically be suddenly jumped to "arrives today" in the app as of 10 pm on the 26th... But it did not arrive then, or on the 27th, or the 28th... Because it is now technically the 29th...

~*~

June 29th

So yeah. I still don't know if that was a legit package or if it was someone trying to lure me to the door. It has to either be the two sports bras I am under the impression make good chest binders, or the adult toy, but neither showed as being on delivery. The other stuff is tiny or the wrong dimensions in terms of being too big on way or another. They seem to be slowly cancelling my lovely window films and refunding me, but those would be rolled and be way too long.

Ig this recent spending goes back to the whole "stripping myself of quality of life for 10-20 years to try to maybe have a house I might not even be allowed is not sane perhaps"... So I made a list of big ticket items [over 100$] I have been holding myself back from due to the cost and have been slowly measuring how worthwhile it is to get each one.

The list was: -air conditioner [check]

-washer dryer [bought a washer and spinner when my bones and muscles started fucking up]

-counter top dishwasher??? [No room, currently]

-slow cooker and bread maker [together 100$, not needed with the AC]

-*adult toy*

-possibly casters for furniture which tend to be pricey [waiting for me to be able to lift my freezer]

-good enamel paint

...And then I literally couldn't come up with anything else...

Seriously.

I already have an adult trike and cart, I already had 2 box freezers, I already maintain having a phone, computer and sometimes music player, and the kinds of speakers I use are 20$. If I had my own house I would be considering more furniture [Like a queen sized loft bed that wouldn't fit in apartments well], or a smart sound system for ambiance [I don't like to be a noisy neighbour it makes me anxious].

I already got the AC because of survival reasons, but that also means I don't really need the bread maker or slow cooker. I can slow roast things in my oven and I have a stand mixer to knead bread dough for me, and that way I don't need special yeast. I could get a proper bread pan but that is not a large purchase.

That leaves some washing machines and well, I can't have a dryer, currently, not just due to space limitations, but I would have to hook up the vent into the same window as the AC and keep that bitch in the corner where I have my computer desk... Not fully impossible, but it would make this corner very crowded, and I'd have to get all the logs used up first as they are currently under my desk where the dryer would need to live.

I could get a clothes washing machine with hookups to go in my shower, and I found ONE that fits under my sewing desk. I am currently running the calculation of whether I think a washing machine that small and cheap would be entirely worth it... But even being able to wash one outfit, one body towel or a load of cloths/socks at a time without hand wringing everything would be really swell... If Walmart ever accepts my paypal again... I might have to get a reloadable credit card from them??? It would hook up to the shower or sink with a splitter and be 139$

I could similarly get a counter top dishwasher and keep it on the far counter and I found ONE the fits under the upper cupboards. It would hook up to the sink and be 360$. [It doesn't actually fit so it's off the list, I re-checked the dimensions]

... That's 500 or so to fully automate a bunch of the remaining housework I have left to struggle with. And they are portable units made for rentals and tiny homes. They would be massively convenient all around.

~*~ discussing adult toys vaguely, you can skip to the next ~*~ to skip it...

The more involved adult toy is because I hate anything with a battery life, due to it being built to fail. The whole adult toy industry sucks, those bitches are all meant to break down and fry within a year and they are all so stupidly expensive. So for years I was considering building something to replace all that nonsense that just plugs into a wall, but getting parts was also kind of tricky and expensive and I wouldn't know if the parts worked right until I was sure I had done all the wiring correctly myself... And those costs could start adding up unpredictably. This many years in they are now just selling completed things like what I was designing for the cost of 2 normal toys. The one I bought at walmart was a cheaper thing meant to test if I liked the way they work, but I have since decided the test isn't necessary and after being "on delivery" for three days with no one showing up it is showing as "delayed" and that's usually what happens right before walmart just refunds me. The one I ordered off e-bay has good reviews and says it's been shipped already. I am so happy for disabled people in general that these are readily available now. [It got here and is good]

~*~

So that's been purchased by now too, so the two remaining things are the washer and dryer.

If I really really stretch my expectations I might want to replace some of my storage furniture, but only with real wood or metal anything, and wood has become stupidly priced. My plastic units for the crafting supplies are falling apart and I was thinking if I replaced them with some metal tool cabinets, those would always be useful to me, even in an eventual garage, and would not fall apart from heavy things in them.

I think the book cases are good for now, with some restructuring and paint and I still plan to fix the wood furniture I already have. I *might* like to make a wood case for the two plastic cabinets in the bathroom, and that would be an expense that would probably total 100 or more to do it with real wood... But it would hide them without losing their function and I could put wheels on it.

I could use some of the coolant tubing I have been abusing as armature, some more robust casters to add to furniture and appliances, and some high quality enamel paint for metal furniture/appliances and fixing things... But other than that...

Honestly, I think having everything I could ideally want in a rental is within 2k of spending and then I can't come up with anything else? Even buying the two washers would be everything until I got myself 100% downsized to start focusing on fixing up my furniture.

I'd like a round rug for under my table but I can't even use that in a bachelor. those are 100-200$

So, unless they cut chob and don't replace it with anything leaving me to try to feed myself on 300 ish per month... I need to make sure I can be approved for a LDSP before I squirrel away another 30k in the next 10 years or so anyway.

I got my cheque for the coming month and chob yesterday so I put it back into savings, as planned, leaving me back at 60 cents after bills. I'll get at least one tax cheque for 80$ this month for whatever I need from the dollarstore. I'll worry about maybe borrowing from next month if I actually get the physical energy to go out at all, I have 2 more appointments in July.

If I get the washing units it will probably be one at a time starting with the cheaper clothes machine next month maybe, and the dish until at some point after I permanently clear off that counter... It just really feels like most of what holds me back from cooking for myself and getting other cleaning done is the constant need for a sink of dishes and a sink of laundry. I could eliminate that all but for the bigger items to wash for like a one-time payment of 500$. It seems more than worth it.

That is, unless I get everything clean and organized with room for both of them by the time I get chob at the end of this month and then maybe I will buy them both next month. [I don't think the dishwasher is happening guys they are all too tall for my upper cupboards]

I did get two more totes emptied out and sorted, but now I have to finish sorting all my tools and hardware. I did another 50% of that but then running for that appointment fucked me up so badly I slept for most of 2.5 days. I keep making a lot of progress and then crashing hard.

I have 5$ out to go get a new blue bin, but I had to cancel doing that for an appointment/spoons reasons, and now I would still like to do that and maybe get set up with the food bank this month? That would be cool. The goal is to not have to take money back out of savings really, I want to keep the first 10k on reserve no matter what, get whatever I am getting to make myself more comfortable, and then go back to saving.

Unfortunately, otherwise I have been doing ... meh? I am trying to watch all the shows I have been putting off so that I get invested and care about new content, but I am burned out on consuming anything. My mind is motivated to work on projects but I don't have the space yet, and my body is too tired and sore to do anything. I have been trying to watch things but am not getting the joy/dopamine out of it that I should, and I have been trying to clean and organize but not getting very far due to fatigue and pain. Nothing is satisfying. I would call this the overlap of depression, severe untreated adhd and maybe even some autistic burnout, maybe some cptsd related shit idk. Cognitively I am well adjusted about it, but biochemically I am frustrated with everything and want to scream. I can't do anything for the depression really, more than I have, the fatigue and burn out call for resting by myself, which I can do... But the complete lack of joy or satisfaction is getting to me.

I am thinking the answer is to maybe put more energy into cooking foods I want to eat, and I am hoping whatever I bought helps in general. The thread rack will let me organize my sewing desk completely, the air conditioner is satisfying every time it blows cool air on me and every time I wake up not sweating profusely and panting. I have enjoyed adding a few little patches or pins to my jacket [I cannot keep deriving satisfaction from buying things though, that is a trap] [An ineffective one for me because I stopped spending on pretty much anything but groceries and basic necessities again without thinking about it]

I did buy and make some little things to fix up my jacket though. I have had it since the 90s and have been wearing it on and off my whole life in all seasons, but I keep resisting doing anything to it out of fear of like ruining the leather or something, but it was kind of beat up when I got it 3rd hand or whatever 20 years ago. I was going to eventually sit down and take up embroidery to make myself patches, but I decided enough was enough and bought a patch and a few tiny pins that walmart had for cheap because I'm sick of having nothing on my jacket until some poorly defined hypothetical future. I made shoulder pads/structure for it out of some of the HDPE I have been saving for exactly this kind of thing and added shoulder spikes [the ones Pumpkin no longer needs to wear to deter Percy from attacking him] I feel entirely better having some personality on my jacket, even if it requires punching some holes or sanding the leather finish off to let the patches adhere, etc... Like I have to re-sew the entire lining anyway. It has never felt more like my own and eventually I'll make whatever patches I want and can't just buy for super cheap.

The new growth hair has gotten to be about a foot long, the oldest of it, but I still have little hairs coming in that are only an inch, and so on. After about a foot [a year of growth at my usual rate when I am in good enough health] there is another inch or two and then there starts being a bunch more broken or cut ends than there are any naturally tapered ones. I ended up cutting my hair to close-ish to that short to get rid of the really ratty dry stuff at the tips, but I have been conditioning it and taking care of it properly, for once. Now that I can see the back and shave it properly too, my hair actually looks professionally done and maintained like I care about it, which is a little weird for me. I normally leave the ends to do whatever they want and don't bother with conditioner, not like I don't think I am worth the effort or anything, I just don't really care that much. It's weird feeling and seeing it now because it doesn't quite look like my hair, but it is soft.

That's another thing I never spend money on. Hair cuts. I'm still using the pet hair trimmer and scissors I bought in my early 20's. I should get to have a little treat for that. Haven't had a professional hair cut since 14. Spend 70 ish one time and never pay for another hair cut...

Spend 99$ on a box freezer and eliminate the cost of food waste [in the past year I have only thrown out 2 pancakes and maybe 5 spoiled onions, and that was recently, my system largely works]

Spend 0$ on a jacket and wear it forever [then buy patches and spikes]

... If I can't make the pair of boots I want in the next couple years or so, I think I might shop around and invest in the right pair of leather boots. I want to try doing something innovative with a hand-made pair to make it so I don't need a cane to walk, but failing that, I could get one really good pair of boots. The leather is important because all other materials fall apart on my feet. The only problem with my last pair of real leather boots is the zippers and sole, and the problem with the leather shoes I have from highschool is the wear on the inside, and the soles. I am thinking that if I make custom soles, I can make uppers for them out of those boots and shoes... And if that fails I can buy something. [not anything pleather like last time :(] I also already have two huge plastic zippers off an old pair of zip away pants, and that's better than metal here due to sidewalk salt. I need plastic zippers and shock absorbing soles, and leather and gender, really. But i do and have repaired my own boots before.

I think I need to eat and go back to bed.

~*~

Sleeeeeeerpp -_-

So now the delivery guys are really listening to my sign and texting me *instead* of knocking, which IG is better for my anxiety, because a knock at the door can apparently make me really fucking anxious very suddenly, but also I did that thing where I woke up before the phone text sound actually went off, so I looked at the screen and it looked like I had 2 missed texts about a package, and THEN it made the texting sound, and then he called me anyway. This at least gave me time to get to the door.

So the thread rack not scheduled until July 8th just got here, but the two-3 packages that are showing as "delayed" still aren't here.

I have to get a usb drive by August to get my medical records, and that's been delayed, so I might have to go physically buy one in a store, and dropping it off and picking it up might be my limit for errands this month along with my 2 appointments... Assuming my wrist or IUD is nothing urgent.

So I might have a whole other cheque before I even have the energy to think about buying something other than a USB stick.

The thread rack is not quite the same as the other one I got, the pegs are just glued in and it doesn't have legs that come down. It is framed in more stably, but it is meant to only hang on a wall and if a peg breaks you have to drill it out or glue it back on. A peg is already broken in shipping but I am gluing it because I am not ordering another one. This one also didn't come with replacement pegs, but the old one did and I have branches the right diameter anyway.

Now when it's dry I can organize my sewing desk better at least. I used to have a whole thread drawer, but with all my other sewing notions in there, I no longer have space. If I organize my filing enough I will move my paper patterns to my filing cabinet and have another drawer to put sewing stuff in, but that'll preferably be the hardware like used buckles and stuff from the clear bin.

Now it's noon and I'm awake IG

My legs are so much less sore than yesterday or the day before, I might actually get something done... I might also just play a puzzle game, idk.

The problem I am having is this:

I am too sleepy to be good at puzzles, but my brain is full of bees because it wants to be working on projects, I cannot work on projects yet because I am not organized enough [supplies are in totes], but my body is too sore to be up cleaning and organizing. TV would be great if I wasn't burned out on it, and I don't have the energy required to actually stream a game, but the games - that I have down to just being build mode now- don't load well on my computer at present. I don't play non-puzzle games except botw and zero dawn, but those both require coordination I do not have when I am sleepy and sore. I keep trying to do some cleaning and organizing but I keep dropping shit and injuring myself. Anything I try isn't satisfying anyway.

When I get like this I end up trapped in a world of ideas, which I like well enough, but it's like existing mostly non-physically except needing to eat and pee, where I can have and play with ideas but not really act on any of them. This is where the good ideas come from and for short periods it brings me joy, but because I have a body, actually, with biochemical functions it needs fed, and I have a physical apartment that needs organizing and cleaning etc, it gets very frustrating to be a thought form in my tiny physical space. The thinking is there but the doing has been limited to "try to find the energy to feed yourself and be a water cycle"... Which I suppose would be more fun if my apartment was in one piece so I could just paint or at least chill in a less stressful environment.

This is when I start doing shit like designing tiny homes I can't have any hope of building anyway and stuff like that. The last 3 times I got like this and thought up a plan for something I could technically build, it ate the next 5+ months of my life with me actually trying to build the thing. This is dangerous territory reserved for high concept and ambitious things that are meant to be so ambitious they are out of reach anyway, a pleasant day dream that has some math attached to it... and if I miss that mark I have a new fixation...

At least I -impulsively- organized my hotel soaps drawer. I was collecting them when I knew people who go to hotels, and I use them as backups when I run out of stuff, but I don't need enough for company anymore, and some of them are starting to expire, and it would be better if I used the bulk of them, and at least get them down to one of each kind/brand. I won't need to buy body products for at least a year or two now anyway. And I can use the drawer space to clear out under the sink some and start moving spare gardening supplies under there so i can restructure the plant rack.

But I am so so sleepy... It's like having productive brain bees only *also* being too worn out mentally to think good anymore... In addition to the "brain functional but body too tired" problem. So now I am just bees trying to operate a human shell. WHy?

Anyway the point I was driving at yesterday is that If I actually have to start spending money in the next 5-10 years because the government will deny me future planning past 40k then I have to start either finding a cheap as dirt run down house immediately that I can still keep legal to live in... Or I start spending *real* money on uh... Projects, food, services and uh... house plants??? I'd say books except those add up and get heavy and hard to move.

And I mean yes, this probably *should* be the reward for spending and consuming so comparatively little. Like if I go without new clothes or hair cuts, I should be spending some of that money on something that makes it easier for me to shower or on patches and supplies to fix and make clothing that actually suits me. If I go without spending on makeup or shaving supplies I should get to have a nice binding option or two.

I mean I would love to replace all my storage totes with wooden crates, ig? [clean and square dimensions with straight sides, possibly a few bigger ones with wheels on them]... The plastic ones have angled sides that waste space and tend to collapse each other's lids if filled too heavy. They are cheap shitty brittle plastic these days, and Wooden crates would look appealing to me as closed storage I could put wherever. They would be sturdy and easy to move in, protect my stuff better, etc... And wood is expensive these days, and I haven't found a company able or willing to sell me wood crates at reasonable prices for 1, 2, and 3 nominal/net/gross cubic feet [the outer dimensions of the crates not exceeding these measurements so they can fit in places together]... But then I can get pallets for free, and that would be -more- aesthetic for this function... so that might be less a cost and more just something I can't work on until I have space... But screws casters and wood glue can add up! [Sure Jan]

...Like I could get the two rolling tool cabinets and the two washing machines for less than 1 k in total right now before tax. And then my life would be way simpler in a really big hurry. I could get two sets of casters meant for my box freezers for 50 together. I could replace my remaining two plastic units in the bathroom with something nicer for about 100. [Having done the math I can fit everything I could want to fix all my problems except disability and circumstance, short of buying a house, for under 1500 with tax, minus any special paint... Is that not worth it?]

And that should be so so so so motivating to get the last bit of organizing done so I can pull the trigger on that at any given time, even if I have to get a re-loadable credit card to do it.

But I am so fucking tired and burned out.

But all I can do other than organize is sit here in the clutter and I am just so sick of that after a full year trying to tetris this bitch into a nice apartment.

But like, I am barely awake.

I am doing better than ever though, overall btw. My teeth are their whitest, my hair is it's most cared for, my dishes and laundry are their most caught up, I haven't been severely sick in a year now. My outer gear is quickly becoming a much better reflection of my identity. I have my own apartment and I am not left to die of extreme heat in the summer anymore... Even my anxiety over financial scarcity is loosening -enough- that I would consider doing something like buying machines, or being slightly less pathological about saving every cent I can... Other than my complete lack of social connections offline and the uh... inescapable plague, I am doing so well! It only took kicking everyone else out of my life to do it.

This year [By next June] I expect to finish up with the apartment, get on top of medical fuckery and dentistry, and have half my projects done. This winter can actually be for sewing, crochet and paper making because I'll have an organized apartment to do it. This current summer and fall are still for downsizing and purging, the beginning of next summer is for dentist I think. I'd like to have a LDSP at least applied for this 'fiscal year' [I have a fiscal year now? It's July -June, this is kind of a joke because it's about my own administration and not the government, I am being funny, I mean "financial year" but it's more fun to say 'fiscal', really I should start thinking of it inn terms of January because that's when rent increases tend to happen instead of by when I last moved]... eh

At least there is hope that the organizing needed to make this place look presentable enough will be done by the end of July, maybe despite all the errands. I could do it in the next 2 days if I was up to the task at all.

~*~

So apparently reloadable credit cards have monthly fees? Bullshit I'll use the one-time one. I guess I find something that fits in the remaining cash to buy and just deal with it. Unless they go back to accepting my paypal?

I contacted walmart support over this.

Either way having no more breaking plastic furniture and the big plastic toes only on reserve for moving by the end of this is a nice goal.

~*~

June 30th

But like... If you could solve all the problems you have except life circumstances -along with getting rid of any plastic furniture- with 1.5 k and you had 10k, or with 1.5 month's rent and you had 10 month's rent on reserve, and counting, would you do it? Even if you knew your finances could become more precarious in the next 5 years?

The main thing stopping me is walmart not taking my money. They accepted the credit card ends from me though, so push come to shove I can get a one use credit card and put 1.5k on it and then order everything and spend any change left on it on ebay. If I do that in 2-3 months I can do it without dipping into the savings I have now, but I don't know if the things will still be on sale [it currently says I am "saving" 800$ in reduced prices].

I got the corner with the big power tools basket re-organized to fit the spare chairs in and the lamps I need to fix, and the same tool basket, on the same footprint of 2 square feet of floor, so I have my armchair and living area back again.

Now I just have to re-organize the electronics bin, the 4 white bins that can go back on the cupboard and the 2 other surfaces I cluttered up by doing this, namely the kitchen counter and the sewing table. If I get that done and clean the floor I am good to start worrying about things like replacing my units, repairing my armchair, finishing the dresser properly, listing/carting-off things for sale or donation

And you would assume the next step would be to take a break to work on some hobbies, but really, my hobby supplies are the things still in these totes that need organizing and downsizing, so it'll look more like going through the 'out' stack of totes immediately because there's nothing better for me to do, but doing it in a much less cluttered space that can be made presentable on 24 hours notice so I don't have to be anxious the whole time and can address things tote by tote.

All that and stocking up food for winter will take me at least until winter and will absorb my budget until then so I will probably start adding back to the 10k in December or January, and save a bunch over winter again when I won't be doing any shopping.

I am thinking that instead of finicky thin log slices for the drawer fronts of my dresser I will cut out squares of its old veneer, to glue down to make false drawer faces, which just made that project 10X faster and easier and something I can easily complete once I find the little clear plastic bin that the handles I made happen to be in.

I am also thinking I will use all my old cheap jewelry and the beads that are otherwise too ugly for anything else to make a beaded curtain so I can hang it up with my other curtains and not hate the beads in that context. I have always wanted a beaded curtain.

If I get casters for my freezers then the two sets I have can go on my filing cabinet and green chest and then that's all my heavy furniture on wheels.

Also like, it was, in times before, cheaper to build something than drop money on a steel tool cabinet... But with the cost of wood I would be spending way more than 200$ to make some wooden unit to serve the same function, and this way there's no work going into it. The times being what they are have fully changed the equation.

I also found my drill in the very bottom of the tools and no less than 2 hoses meant to adapt between utility hoses and household fixtures, so now I do in fact have an extended hose for the water pump if I decide too use my dehumidifier function. If the water reservoirs go to the same place I might even be able to use it to replace the function of the rubber tube I have on it now. Congrats to me for keeping those. They would have been pricey and hard to find these days, especially finding one with a male end to extend the other one.

Been making pea soup with canned peas, chickpea flour and canned ham. It's so much like being able to have canned pea soup again. Only meatier. It makes about 3 servings, so it's on budget too.

That's the other thing. I -tend- in most cases towards eating meals that price out at 3$ or less per meal. If I get fancy and use a lot of cheese, it might come out to 6$ per meal, and I eat about 2 times per day with some snacks now, so I am not spending as much on food as I could be for sure. At least my iodine levels seem managed enough that having b vitamins only means being *slightly* hyperthyroid and not dangerously so, so I can probably start having a multi-vitamin safely again.

I am out of cream and I would consider spending 100$ on groceries but everything is closed Monday. I have condensed canned milk to try. It isn't lactose free and I intended it for making caramels, but I can try it. I'm barely going to be up to my appointment and then I have another next week. And I still don't have a choice about getting a usb stick.

~*~

Walmart just called me back to let me know they have a whole tech team on it. Maybe they'll solve it after all. I might have to look for new sales when they are done though.

~*~

July 1st 2024

9:15 pm

So... I should go to bed soon. I wanted to get some cleaning and organizing done yesterday and today... Well... I ended up cleaning out the inside of the range top??? It was so bad :( I think I also need to clean out the vent hood microwave thing.

I was going to clean the fridge but did the stove instead idk. I have to wake up by 5:30 in the morning, drink over a liter of water and then not pee it out for 2 hours... I might cheat that again, because it's always too much water and my bladder always feels like it's going to tear again.

...Then more cleaning and deliveries IG...

~*~

There's going to be explosions till midnight anyway and I am testing how fast my body processes water right now, so I also cleaned the fridge. Tomorrow I want to downsize what I have in the bathroom cupboards more, hand some stuff, go through my shoes and clean the floor.

~*~

July 3rd

5:00 pm

The appointment went as well as could be expected and as well as I already posted about. I personally couldn't get a proper glimpse of the pelvic ultrasound to be able to see the iud myself, but jokes on her, my doctor's office is about to give me my full medical record, so I can see it myself then

Pretty sure the thing in my wrist is a radial artery aneurysm possibly set off by rubbing from a ganglion cyst. I do not think it's likely to be cancer of any kind, it was all full of fluid with defined edges, and the big bump seemed to be an expansion in my vein as much as it seems to be that from looking down at my wrist. I didn't need a scan to tell me it's blood coloured and pulses.

What the doctors will say about all that is yet to be determined still, and I imagine if it was urgent they would have contacted me immediately.

The less favoured window film and the adult toy both got here. They sent me a pack that was 330$ on their site when I ordered a pack that was 104$ at the time and is now listed at 139$, so whatever I guess, I think they are out of certain stock. Either way it got here faster than the toy from walmart, and the delivery guy was caught leaving a note to pick it up at the post office when I didn't come to the door immediately. He didn't swoop for the package and leave without saying or doing anything.

The window film got here and that guy knocked lightly and also texted me to let me know it was left sticking out of my box, so that was also an interesting interpretation of my directions.

I have noticed a pattern where I do not like menTM between the ages of 30-45 delivering packages because of the machismo. They always knock LOUD, like way louder than you need to knock for a little apartment in the middle of the day. And the thing about really loud bold knocking is it sounds angry and demanding to me, which sends my nervous-system right into panic mode, and then my joints are all shaking so badly I feel like I can barely stand or walk.

No I would never come off to anyone like I am that level of anxious or triggered by other people in social settings, but apparently men demanding loudly to have access to my living space without warning has become a massive trigger for me. Like knees shaking level of instinctive fear.

Apparently.

I had to figure that out between the neighbour trying to demand I speak to him at the door, the electricians trying to demand random entry, and a couple of the package deliveries.

It wouldn't be so bad if they knocked at a reasonable volume first and got a little louder after a minute, and really loud a minute after that, just to make sure if someone was home they actually heard them, but no... They jump straight to angry banging like they don't want to be seen knocking politely on the door, or don't want to bother waiting at all to do their job, at the expense of possibly being a genuinely upsetting experience for the person they are delivering to. They knock like angry cops.

Younger men knock lightly if they don't want to leave something out on the porch, and then apologize for knocking OR text me to my phone alone and wait. I like that. It's respectful and they're following directions. It's considerate.

Old men knock lightly in busier patterns. It comes off as friendly, so far they are the demographic most likely to both knock lightly AND text me, even if the package is small enough to just be shoved in my box. Polite and considerate.

Women -as a demographic- haven't delivered anything bigger than an envelope yet, but they just leave little things in my mail box without a word as the gods intended. Practical and doesn't call attention to themselves being at someone's door. I get it.

But it's the guys who feel like they ought to "act like grown men" by now and aren't old enough to have calmed the fuck down about it who fucking BANG on my god damned door, like the idea that some people have had to deal with domestic abuse or abusive landlords is just a foreign concept to them, and then get pissy and leave without giving me a slip to pick up a package at all. It's like men between the ages of about 30 and about 45 are angry that they have to be delivery men at all "at their age"... Like fuck off.

I do not like feeling like a bug caught in bat sonar every time I get a delivery.

Watch your damn knocking tone.

You do not need to be knocking like you are the police demanding entry to a building just because you have a package or want my attention.

Like yes, this is all generalization, I am sure there are grown men who deliver shit out there who aren't assholes about it... But much like how decent cis straight men exist in theory, none or very few have happened upon me personally in my life and they are always flooded out by the assholes.

Like literally, the one guy failed to deliver the package because he knocked so loudly and demanding it sent me into some kind of panic attack or paranoid anxiety spiral where I couldn't process it was in all likelihood a package and go to the door. He then proceeded to take the package and leave no note, all seemingly intentionally out of view of my door camera... My door camera has a VERY good range on it. That is bad service. IDK what to tell you. If it was the first toy I ordered I hope they just fucking refund it, and if it wasn't, I strongly suspect it wasn't a legit delivery at all.

Anyway if you text me about a package I get the chance to thank you properly for delivering it in a ways that's safe and socially convenient for everyone, and if you happen to catch me while I am asleep or out of the house. I know there's a package to go fetch.

...

And oh hey, another older guy just delivered another package, and this one is the other adult toy, and he texted politely and the package was a bubble pack that fit in my mailbox...

So whatever that nondescript, beat up, box was that was being delivered out of a black car as suspiciously and aggressively as possible... Doesn't even seem to be something I ordered. Unless somehow it's a couple of sports tops in a box way bigger than necessary instead of just sending them in a bubble pack envelope like everyone else does with small clothing items? What the fuck kind of fuckery did I just dodge?

Seriously, if the sports tops get here in the kind of package I would expect, I'll be quite certain that was some kind of ruse to gain entry to my house??? That box was too short to be the cancelled window films by like half. The vibes were so monumentally off.

Well whatever, I also got the usb key in my mailbox, finally, so I don't need a whole-ass extra excursion in a big panic to get it to my doctors before August... Which saves me money and trouble.

I'm doing all this mental back and forth about borrowing just 100 from next month to just pick up a few things but honestly I am so tired that I don't think I will make it out for more than my medical shit and maybe picking up a blue box this month.

Then when I have money again I need to ask myself whether this is the year of the machine.

Am I getting, this year:

-new computer parts?

-a dishwasher

-a clothes washer

-simple mechanics like furniture wheels

-metal storage for tools

-fun lighting

... I already got the AC and the adult toys, but they'd be a part of this list too.

My thinking is yes, automate everything I can in my life for under 1500 including tax and shipping to my door... My thinking is "yes, do that, and save your energy"...

The only issue is now it's close to winter and October and November's or August and September's cheques need to be for stocking up for winter, so I have to chose whether 2 months savings is going to shopping online in the fall, or once it's on it's way to winter... And I have to hope the sales last that long. To be fair, we probably won't have winter until December and I only have 4 non-grocery errands left [for this month], so it's safe to start ordering things after that. [I did not except the batch with the washing machine and lights, because I needed the machine]

I should probably space it out and do a batch of groceries each month and a bit of ordering, for energy level reasons, but that leaves me at risk of packages coming while I am out shopping. Doing my fall groceries first means really risking losing these sales, if that's a thing that can happen, and doing them last means waiting till crunch time right when it's already getting cold like the last two years and possibly running into missing packages that took too long to arrive...

My thinking is I risk losing the "sale prices" and just shop around until I find another thing on sale... Which means groceries next month... which means downsizing this month while doing 4 more errands :(

[This ended up not being an issue because I got so sick I couldn't leave and needed the machine to wash clothes at all and would be here for deliveries anyway and now I have to do all my fall shopping this month and in November!]

~*~

July 13th

4:20 pm

Been doing a lot of figuring and math and calculations and designing.

Because of the credit card limits and the individual appliance costs and no ability to do split payments, I would have to get 4 500$ prepaid credit cards, and spend the overflow over the next 3 years on the stuff I'd normally get from walmart... But I -can- at least do that if they never fix my paypal.

I also decided to actually design how I was going to restructure my book cases, decided to tear everything to a half depth of 6 inches... And will now have enough material to make a 2-3 part wall cabinet that is 68 inches wide and actually looks good. AND!! Fits my sewing desk underneath so it doesn't have to be in the bathroom. Particularly it allows a 67 inch width underneath where the shelf is held OFF of whatever is under it, like the green chest and sewing desk, so they can still be used and accessed. I have the extra 2x4 I need that make that work already. Like I have the supplies, I just need to clear out the space to work. [That 3 arched built-ins in a row can and will be accomplished with a tiny bit of facing materials]

And THAT makes room for my portable washing machine to sit next to the shower stall instead of having to be put in the shower stall when I am not showering. Magic!

I have the plans and overall the resources, it's all just a question of having the physical energy to get through it... T~T

~*~

July 14th

Sunday

2:30 am

I slept untold amounts of time yesterday and still again from 8-2 am. I have no idea what I am averaging in a day but I do know I want cokey cola.

With some tax money and refunds I have -whoa- 336$ in my account due to a carbon rebate :D So I could do groceries tomorrow.

I had myself scheduled to pick up a new blue box, but since I just passed recycling, I have another 2 weeks to worry about that.

Okay, so I arranged my potentials into batches on walmart dot ca that work out to 496, 8 or 9 and some change so they fit into only 3 500$ prepaid credit cards. 500 is the card I have, if I see a 1 or 2 k I'll grab that so the spare change isn't split over 4 cards... I will probably get a 4th 500 anyway to let me order things to my apartment over winter. The question is whether I can consolidate trips and fees for purchasing the cards. [This did not happen I got the one for 500]

This means whenever I am ready I can put through these purchases one batch at a time.

I just have to be ready to receive them.

On one hand I want to be 100% tidied up as much as possible first, on the other hand the clothes washing machine would make me not have to wash all that bedding by hand in the sink :/

Might do one batch when chob comes through

I got the letter confirming I still get chob, for the next year at least, so that's good. They make you renew it every year, but I don't anticipate they'd deny me before the program is supposed to end.

I have like the -firmest- most concrete to a detail plan to move forward with and I just have to get my body to do it T~T... Hoping the multi vitamin will help with that. [They did not they allowed for an autoimmune attack from hell that set off kidney problems!]

I am so very good at making plans for myself and then committing to them, barring the actual physical energy involved. [And health!]

Decor [that seems built in or 'attached'] I can take with me:

-light covers

-fabric hangings and wrappings

-floating shelves

-bristol board or foam core mounted peel and stick or fabric

-Furniture obv

-Special LIGHT BULBS [I'm getting some smart bulbs. That's something that can move with me and will increase my quality of life by a lot.]

Then this list:

Glue the one drawer from the dresser that pulled apart [because 1-2 drawers were never glued by me to begin with because they *seemed* to be holding in one piece too well] & put the pulls on it

Get the last 3-5 totes -for now- reorganized so I can get the last disorganized looking pile of stuff tidied up and out of the way

Get the electronics tote organized and downsized

Call the electronics disposal service

Get the things I am giving away gone and out of the apartment

make ramp [for spring, haha, late]

make apt about wrist lump

make ultrasound appointment for IUD now that I have my health card [go to it]

Get back to the women's college hospital [tried once I will again]

GET MEDICAL RECORDS FROM DOCTOR BEFORE AUGUST [4+gigs stick]

Re-upholster arm chair

remake cat stand into cat stand/window bench

remake plant rack

shelf over sink

get blue box

OCTOBER 30TH 2024! I fucking forgor to post this because I started getting sick!!!

Update soon!

[mrsstruggle]

The Lost Child - Chapter 6 // Teen Wolf x Marvel AU

Summary: Y/N Stark was taken from her family when she was three years old. It's fifteen years later and her family believes she is dead. Then how is she living in Beacon Hills?

Warnings: Language, Mentions of Kidnapping/Death, Characters Being Attacked/Shot At, Fighting, Mentions of Injuries and Wounds, Character Being Carried, Possible Grammar Mistakes (please let me know if there is anything else)

Pairings: Derek Hale x Reader, Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes, Bruce Banner x Natasha Romanoff, Vision x Wanda Maximoff, & More To Come

Previous Pairings: Tony Stark x Pepper Potts, Scott McCall x Allison Argent

Words: 2.3k

Note: I am posting new chapters every 2-3 days! I am trying to get on a consistent schedule!

Additional Note: While this is a Teen Wolf x Marvel AU, not everything is true to the shows/movies/comics. I had to change things for the story. This also loosely follows Teen Wolf Season 4.

One Last Note: Y/N was adopted by Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. I did this so that more people can see themselves in this story.

***I do not own Teen Wolf or Marvel or any related characters. This is a work of fanfiction and is meant for entertainment only.***

Masterlist

The Lost Child Masterlist

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

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It's currently 3:00 PM and Y/N is out on an afternoon jog in the woods. She's usually at work at this time, but today she has the day off. She decided to use her free time to try and get her mind off the Deadpool. It's been a few days since she found out about it, and it just can't seem to leave her mind.

Her music is blaring in her ears as she runs deeper into the woods. There is a slight breeze in the air that cools her warm skin. The sun peeks through the treetops, lighting up the forest. She is oblivious to her surroundings as she tries to get away from her thoughts.

As she attempts to focus on her breath, she doesn't notice the other oblivious figure swinging from tree to tree. She tumbles to the ground as another body collides with hers.

"What the fuck?" Y/N groans out.

Peter runs over to Y/N's crumbled body, "I am so sorry! I wasn't paying attention, and I didn't mean to run into you! Sorry!"

"You're fine," she replies, wincing as she sits up from her position on the ground, "I wasn't really paying attention either." She looks around for her earphones that fell out during the collision.

"I still should've been paying attention," Peter tries to look for any injuries he might have given her, "I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? Do I need to take you to the hospital?"

"Please, take a breath," she continues to look for her earphones, "I'm fine. Nothing's broken or anything."

"Are you sure? Maybe we should take you just in case?"

"I'm fine!" Y/N slowly stands up from the ground, "I am a nurse. I think I would know if I wasn't okay."

"Right, right." Peter looks her over for injuries once again, "I'm just making sure. I promise I didn't mean to crash into you."

"And I promise I didn't mean to run in front of you," she smiles at him.

"What are you doing out here?"

She starts to wipe the grass and leaves off her clothes, "Well, my brother's with his friends, and my boyfriend's at work so I decided to go for a jog. Clearly I should've been paying more attention to my surroundings. What are you doing?"

"My leg finally healed up," he points to his previously injured leg, "so I decided to get away from my overbearing family and swing around in the forest. Oh my God, please don't tell anyone that you saw me doing that."

"You know I already figured out that you're Spiderman?"

"What, me? No..."

"You do realize that when I fixed your leg, you told me that it would only take a few days for your leg to heal, and you admitted to having advanced healing? I even said I was used to dealing with unusual patients and you never corrected me. You also never corrected me when I called you an Avenger. Plus, basically, everyone knows. You just haven't publicly confirmed anything," she states.

"I, um, I... okay, I am Spiderman. Please don't tell anyone!"

"Your secret is safe with me." she pretends to zip her lips shut, "So why are you and your family in Beacon Hills? This seems like a bit of a random place to be for a bunch of superheroes."

"We have a lake house that's just right outside of town. We haven't been here in years, but we decided we needed a much-needed break." Peter answers.

"Why haven't you been here in years? Is it because saving the world can get busy?"

Peter turns his eyes towards the ground, "Oh, um, we–"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Y/N interrupts, noticing his uneasiness at the question.

"No, um, it's okay." Peter takes a deep breath, "We haven't been here since my sister was taken. She loved the lake house, and my family was never able to revisit it until now."

"Oh," Y/N looks at him with an apologetic look in her eyes, "I'm sorry for asking. I figured it was because you were too busy, or it was just one of twenty lake houses you own."

Peter laughs a little at her comment, "Surprisingly, this is the only lake house we own. Multiple beach houses, yes. Multiple lake houses, no."

"Damn, and I don't even own one house."

"Yeah, well, I don't own any either. They are all owned by my dad."

"I'm sure they'll all be yours one day. I bet your dad will give you one for your 21st birthday," Y/N teases him.

"How do you know I'm not already twenty-one?" Peter teases back.

"I'm really good at guessing people's ages." she smirks at him, "Plus, it was in your paperwork when I worked on your leg."

"Oh, so I'm so memorable that you even remember how old I am?" Peter smirks back at her.

"You definitely weren't the most unusual patient I've ever had, but you were the first person I had to remove splinters from their leg."

As Peter starts to laugh, his spidey-senses start to tingle. He knows they aren't going off because of her, but he can't seem to understand what has them on edge. He looks around at their surroundings in hopes of seeing what the danger could be that they sense.

Y/N looks at Peter's uneasiness as he looks around the forest. She closes her eyes and tries to focus on her hearing to see if she can hear something. As she reopens her eyes, she notices a red dot appear on Peter's chest.

"Get down!" She tackles Peter to the ground as a shot is fired. The bullet barely misses them.

"What the hell was that?" Peter yells.

"Hunters! Now run before you take a bullet to the head!" They jump up from the ground and start to run deeper into the forest as more hunters start to fire at him. They quickly jump behind two large trees to hide from the bullets.

"Why are hunters shooting at us? Aren't they supposed to shoot at other things?" Peter yells over to her.

"These are different kinds of hunters!" she yells back to him, bullets flying past her.

"What kind of hunters are they?"

"The kind that are currently shooting at us!" Peter rolls his eyes at her answer.

"Okay, you stay here, and I'll take them out!" Peter calls out to her, his spidey-senses screaming at him to protect her.

"Are you stupid?" she looks at him with an incredulous look, "There are at least a dozen hunters shooting at us and you think you can take them by yourself? Do you even have your suit with you?"

"Um," Peter looks down at his body, "no!"

"So, your plan is to just dodge the bullets and hope none of them hit you?"

"Do you have a better plan?"

"Yes, it's called you let me deal with them!"

"How do you plan on doing that?"

Y/N bends down and places her hand over the tree's shadow. Peter watches in shock as the shadow seems to morph itself into a bow.

"What the fuck?" Peter watches as she makes the remainder of the shadow morph itself into arrows. She places one of the arrows into the bow before firing at one of the hunters. She presses herself back into the tree as the arrow lodges itself into the hunter's right shoulder. "How did you do that?"

"Talent," she responds as she shoots off the remaining seven arrows, each one burying itself into a different hunter.

"I am so confused," Peter murmurs to himself as she drops the bow onto the ground.

"Do you know how to use a gun?" she asks him, bullets still being fired at them.

"My uncle taught me how to use them!"

"Great! Web a gun over to you!" Peter webs the closest gun over to him. He checks to see that it still has most of the bullets in it.

"Even though they are shooting at us, I don't know if I'm comfortable killing people!" Peter yells, looking down at the gun in his hand.

"Then don't kill them! Just make sure they don't kill you!"

"Do I need to get you one?"

"No, I have my own weapons." she turns to him, flicks out her long claws, and flashes him her bright blue beta eyes, "Now, just back me up, and let's take down the rest of them."

Peter watches as she runs out from behind the tree she was standing behind. She runs up to the closest hunter, who is switching out his bullets and grabs his gun before throwing him into two other hunters. With their attention on her, Peter shoots the hunter closest to him in the kneecaps.

Y/N elbows a hunter in the face before squatting down and slicing through his achilles with her claws. He falls to the ground, clutching at his ankle. She notices Peter shooting at a few of the other hunters and webbing them to the ground.

"Behind you!" Peter yells at her.

She turns around to see a hunter charging at her with a knife. The blade misses her by a few centimeters as he attempts to bring it down into her chest. Her claws rip through his arm before she stabs his knife into his leg. As he falls to the ground, a web flies past her, pinning him to the forest floor.

"Thank you!"

She looks around her to see that every hunter is currently pinned to the ground with Peter's spiderwebs. He even webbed the hunters she had shot with the arrows.

"Now that no one is shooting at us," Peter starts as he walks over to Y/N, "I have so many questions."

"About what?" she asks, playing dumb. Her werewolf claws and eyes no longer showing.

"Firstly, where the hell did the bow and arrows come from?" he questions, pointing over to the tree she was once standing behind, "Did you pull them out of the earth, or did you make them with air? I-I don't understand."

She chuckles at his behavior, "I made them from the tree's shadow."

"How?!" Peter yells, waving his hands around in confusion.

"Can you put down the gun, please?" she asks, looking warily at the gun in his hand.

"Sorry," he mumbles, throwing the gun onto the ground, "Now, how were you able to do that?"

"I'll be honest, I have no idea. I've just always had these abilities. I was adopted when I was about 5 and I don't remember anything before that." she states.

"Okay, then what about the claws and the thing you did with your eyes," he asks, pointing to his own eyes.

"I'm, uh, kinda a werewolf," she nervously looks down at her hands.

"A what?" he looks at her skeptically.

"I'm a werewolf," she flashes her eyes at him to reiterate her point.

"That's not possible," he mumbles in shock, staring at her beta eyes.

"You have an uncle who turns into a giant green thing and an uncle who's a god from another planet, but me being a werewolf isn't possible?" she gives him an unimpressed look.

He laughs a little at himself, "I guess you're right. I thought werewolves only turned on a full moon?"

"We can involuntarily turn on a full moon, but the majority of us have our transformation under control so that we don't," she informs him. "We mostly just partially transform, and we can do that without the full moon because of reasons my boyfriend has told me, but I wasn't listening because he was shirtless and had on a fantastic pair of gray sweatpants."

He rolls his eyes at her statement, "If you're a werewolf, why do your eyes shine blue? They look like they belong to a mermaid, not a werewolf."

"I'm a beta," she states.

"Okay?" he was still confused about her eyes.

"Alpha's eyes glow red. Beta's and omega's eyes glow either a blue or a golden color," she flashes her eyes at him again.

"What's the difference between blue and golden eyes?"

"Oh, um," as she contemplates what to tell him, a shot rings out from behind Peter. She immediately grabs the gun Peter discarded earlier as Peter ducks to the ground. She sees the remaining gunman hiding behind a tree and shoots him down as he attempts to fire at them again. She looks down at Peter, "Are you okay?"

He checks his body for a possible shot wound, "I'm okay."

She looks down at her right leg to see blood dripping from it, "I think I know where his bullet went."

"Now we definitely have to get you to the hospital," Peter starts to panic looking at her wound.

"No. Give me your shirt." Peter takes off his shirt with no hesitation and hands it to her. She rips it in half before tying it tightly above the bullet wound. "We have to go to Deaton. He'll know what to do."

Peter watches as her face seems to drain of color, "Who's Deaton? Are you sure we shouldn't take you to the hospital?"

"He's a veterinarian and he knows how to deal with this stuff," she states as she starts to limp in the direction of her car.

"I know you're a werewolf, but a veterinarian? Really?" he laughs a little as he tries to help her walk.

"Look he knows wh-what to do..." Peter catches her as she starts to fall toward the ground.

"I'll just carry you." he states, as he lifts her up into his arms, "Where exactly am I carrying you?"

"To my car," as she points in the direction of her car, she notices the blood on her hand appears black, "You might need to hurry. If not, I-I think I might be dead soon."

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@vicmc624 @mrspetxrs @freyathehuntress @fheresm @stefans-wife @taketimeandappreciate @youralphawolf72 @ornella0910 @shedsblood @ts1mp0ne @beautifulgrungekid @danielle-leah1997 @itmejado @ivettt @james-bucky-barnes-bitch @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @darkenwolfie @lokiandbuckywife @xx-narcissa @llamaproblem @emily-roberts @me-unintentionally @inyourmomsworld

[utilitycaster]

Wizard Breakdown Tracker #3, episode 133

Greetings and salutations to the exercise I have set upon myself, which is to say deciding the relative mental stability of Wizard NPCs who have been subjected to the Mighty Nein. My intent is to do this at least until Trent Ikithon has fucked off this mortal coil and/or been thoroughly deposed and humiliated.

As a reminder Caleb Widogast is a member of the Mighty Nein and a PC and therefore excluded from these calculations. Wizards who haven’t been seen or heard from lately and about whom I don’t have anything funny to say about will not get a full blurb, but as they re-enter the main narrative so will they re-enter the list. Currently, this is the Essek Thelyss Show ft. Trent and the Volstruckers with guest appearances by Yussa and Allura.

Currently sidelined: Oremid Hass, Known Gem Wizard Hotsauce Lutefisk (I am going to reuse this stupid joke name for him until it doesn’t make me laugh at my own joke anymore, which will probably be never), Pumat Sol (who I hope is having a great day), Ludinus Da’leth (who I hope is not but in true laissez-faire rat bastard form, probably is).

Vess D wasn’t there/morning time in Eiselcross or at her job or anywhere/they snuck in and took her life/and we noticed that her spellbook’s gone and that she’s covered in red eyes.

Trent Ikithon: Okay with the caveat that it’s been a very long time since I saw the entire movie and our only update is Artagan taking a moment from his busy schedule of traveling the globe in the direction of the sun such that he is always technically day-drinking to tell Jester that Trent’s biding his time, I’m getting real Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame Frollo vibes. Except instead of Catholicism and lust, it’s nationalism and an unquenchable thirst for power and control, and also he does not feel guilty in the slightest. He’s not at Hellfire levels yet but he will get there and I am slightly disappointed that due to the constraints of a D&D game we do not get an even more fucked up version of the song Hellfire.

Conclusion: 6/10. Slowly stepping it up. Also here’s the great thing: while we know Caleb is going to come after him next, he doesn’t, and the Nein didn’t tell any world governments about the threat of the city unless you count the Tal’Dorei Council via Allura, which means for all intents and purposes they just disappeared into Eiselcross...except Trent also knows Caleb disappeared for five or six years once before and reports of his death were greatly exaggerated. If Caleb weren’t dedicated to the noble goal of ending the Volstrucker program ASAP, he could just chill for a year or so and then pull a really stellar Surprise Bitch move and maybe just get Trent’s heart to explode.

Essek Thelyss: He got a good night’s trance and weird physical affection from a giant ape Caleb and he was healed by Caduceus and he had a serious conversation with the first true peer and one of the first friends he’s ever known about how high-level wizardry may not necessarily corrupt absolutely. And, of course, soup. I mean they are about to head into a terrible battle but he’s at full health and spells and he’s a valued member of the team and his friends love him SO MUCH.

Conclusion: 5/10. There is a distinction between a breakdown and being in a very high pressure situation, and he got some nice moments of respite this week. With that said do I think that post-battle, should he survive (HE BETTER) a whole lot of anxiety will come crashing back? Yeah.

Astrid Beck: With Trent in a holding pattern he’s got to be turning up the mind games on her; I have to imagine he suspects and then she suspects that he suspects and it’s a whole mess, but I’ve said that already. But also just like, in general, I think her speech to Caleb back when he first contacted her was genuine in many ways and specifically I think she was likely to have been Trent’s New Golden Child and then suddenly that got yanked out from under her for still more mind games; I think her difference in demeanor between that meeting and the dinner was partially Trent being present, but partially her having realized in the interim that she will likely never have anything to show for two decades of pain and doing terrible things and nonstop bullshit.

Conclusion: still keeping her at 8/10 until further notice but like. Astrid’s having a bad time.

Um actually Eadwulf is the monster? The hero’s name is Grendel: Okay meanwhile here’s my totally unsupported Eadwulf headcanon of this week which is that he meanwhile always knew he was not the favorite and probably never would be and while I doubt he ever had particularly noble goals I would not be surprised if he had an exit strategy. Personally I hope he tries card-counting in that casino in Ank’harel and gets kicked out posthaste and then tries being a wizard/some kind of divine caster multiclass in Vasselheim and also gets kicked out but finally becomes like an old-school hermit figure somewhere in the woods of Issylra and Campaign 3′s party runs into him.

Conclusion: also keeping him at 4/10 until further notice.

Allura Vyesoren: It’s time to acknowledge that this episode covered a span of like...8 hours? And presuming the Nein are sort of trying to keep a normal sleep schedule, maybe, and using a comparison of Eiselcross being at a comparable time zone to say, Nicodranas, and it’s 5 hours into the night for them, and we know that around mid-day for Nicodranas was early morning for Emon...honestly she’s probably relaxing with a glass of wine. Unless Wensforth contacted her.

Conclusion: I’m going to let Allura have a good day. She’s at 2/10 because the threat of Aeor will be in the back of her mind but also she’s seen a bunch of idiots kill dragons and Vecna and they didn’t even have a wizard.

Yussa Errenis: Experiencing a great disturbance in the Astral Sea, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then just like, kept doing that.

Conclusion: I decided to really go all out last week on the infinity jokes and left myself nothing to go on, huh. Anyway this breakdown goes to 11 (out of 10).

[liesonthefloordramatically]

A wild 2021 recap post appears!

Stuff I made this year:

Fiction: The only fic I posted this year was the wildly underrated a flower blooming, in reverse.  Y’all, I know a reverse chronology genfic about C-PTSD is a hard sell but, like, it’s good??  Anyway, go tell a genfic author that you love their fic for me.

Playlists: Some favorites: Camp Howling Ground (a soundtrack for our first Sleepaway campaign), Styx (a playlist for my player character in my second Sleepaway campaign), Stop calling me, Josh (a playlist for when Josh won’t stop calling you), sonic landscapes: pandemic video games edition (sometimes you just need some background listening).  I actually made more than this, but I keep forgetting to post them.  Oh well.

RPGs: Finally finished and posted Speak Through Me!  Play my weird little game about mediated spirit possession!  I’m also super proud of The Extra Camper, which has some of the most evocative horror writing I’ve done?

Knitting: made two shawls and two scarves and am currently finishing the torso of baby’s first sweater!

Other stuff: Baby’s first edited volume chapter got published!  Finished two dissertation chapters with a third on the way!  Presented at a conference!  Guest lectured maybe too many times!  Taught the best class ever!  Somehow managed to survive year two of the pandemic!

Media I enjoyed this year:

Books: Fiction recs for this year are The Thread That Binds by Cedar McCloud (genuinely made me cry) and Piranesi by Suzanna Clarke.  Non-fiction recs are Healing Labor by Gabrielle Koch and Jesus Loves Japan by Suma Ikeuchi.  The latter, especially, is SO readable and lovely, I’m really in awe.  Also not my first time reading them, but I reread both The Underland Chronicles and The Bartimaeus Trilogy this year and they frickin’ SLAP; teen Queenie had such good taste but also rereading them was truly the mortifying ordeal of being known.

RPGs: I really enjoyed Our Traveling Home, Oh Maker!, and The Quiet Year.  Honorable mentions to Pilgrimage to the Center of the Earth and Alice Is Missing.  Also ran really good campaigns of Sleepaway and Blades in the Dark (although I’d played both before).

Video games: In no particular order: Outer Wilds, Persona 3 Portable, Deltarune, Hades, Tales of Berseria.  Outer Wilds and Persona 3 Portable have both permanently occupied space in my brain--sometimes I think about them and just stare into the middle distance.  I have a narrative type, okay??

Manga/comics: I think JJL was the only thing I read this year...

Fanfic: Okay, time for the regularly scheduled wall of text.  In no particular order: Come Together (JJBA:VA), what is living is burning and none of this will bring disaster (JJBA:SDC), Firefly (P3P), this river runs to you (MDZS), Eleuseos (JJBA:SDC), Why Worry (JJBA:SBR), best friends forever (MDZS), from yesterday comes tomorrow (JJBA), and RE: thesis defense issue (FAQ: The "Snake Fight" Portion Of Your Thesis Defense).  Special nods to The Best Worst Case Scenario (My Hero Academia) and Sleeping Lessons (Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty) for being fics for source material I know little to nothing about that were still emotionally engrossing enough to make this list.

Films: literally have not watched a single movie since January 2020.  Might be time to retire this category.  >.>

TV: TGCF and Stone Ocean!

Podcasts:  Continued listening to a bonkers number of podcasts.  Some highlights: In Strange Woods (I have listened to this all the way through twice and cried both times), The Strange Case of Starship Iris, Old Gods of Appalachia, and Keeping It 101: A Killjoy’s Introduction to Religion.  Special nod to Keep It Steady, which only has one episode so far, but I have already listened to it twice.

Music: Apparently my top song of the year was Dessa’s “Life on Land,” which is unsurprising to me.  Spotify won’t let me view my full Wrapped because it’s only available for mobile users (boo), but my guess is that Yorushika is my top artist of the year.  It was another weird year for listening--I was commuting the last four months of the year (so started listening to albums again), but then wound up either listening to older stuff I already had or podcasts.  And then on my desktop it was a combination of listening to playlists or chaos looping a single song for weeks on end.  For example, “Magnolia” was apparently my second most listened song this year, which can almost certainly be blamed on a combination of it being on my playlist for a flower blooming AND looping it for a couple of weeks while I edited my diss.

Anyway, あけおめ！！！ 良いお年を！！！

[captainsolare]

Hiiii Cap 🥰 Can I get Yami fluff? 💕 Roll 4 times for AU, 1 time for dialogue prompt and 3 times for trope 💕 Thank you!!

A/N: Hi Nati!! I hope you enjoy it! Prince Yami is a very dreamy idea.

Yami Fluff + Royalty AU! + Locked in a (chamber) + "I wish I could hate you."

Yami stretched, nearly falling out of the tree he was perched in. He steadied himself, taking a long breath of air before leaning back against the tree; they’d be looking for him soon, they always did. Like clockwork, he heard footsteps rushing into the courtyard, “Prince Yami! I know you’re here in one of these trees, you have royal duties to attend to.”

Rolling his eyes, he hopped out of the tree, landing with a thud on the ground below. It was Finral, his primary keeper that had come for him this time.

“There you are! Prince you can’t keep going off like this, it worries the King.” Finral chastised, ushering him down the long hallway to Yami’s office.

Yami sighed, “I know, I know. But paperwork is boring.” He sat down at his desk, eyeing the files that sat untouched upon it.

Finral crossed his arms, fixing Yami with his sternest glare, but it failed like always and his gaze softened. “I know it’s no fun, but you must attend to your princely duties.”

The door shut with a click and Finral returned to his post outside it.

Yami sighed, putting his feet on the desk and flipping open the first file. “If he’s so worried about me, why doesn’t he ever come to see me?”

-

Once night fell you scaled the castle wall easily, keeping to the shadows. You’d spent weeks memorizing the guards’ schedule, figuring out the weaknesses in this impenetrable castle, and now was the perfect time to act. You had managed to get a map of the inside of the castle before you came here, and by now had committed it to memory.

If your intel was to be believed, the item you were looking for was kept in Prince Yami’s desk, the second drawer from the top, right-hand side. You crept along the walls, thankful for your camouflage cloak when a pair of guards went past your position. The trip to the second floor was quick work, but now came the hard part, you’d need to make it into the Prince’s room without getting caught. You found an empty room a few doors down and snuck inside, preparing to stand on the window ledge and scale across that way.

The window opened with surprising ease and you stepped outside after making sure the coast was clear. You could only pray that there was no one awake in the rooms between your current position and the room you were trying to get to. Thankfully, it seemed as if all the lights were off in the rooms between, so you should be able to slip past without detection. You made it to the Prince’s room and crouched down, praying the window wouldn’t open too loudly.

To your relief, the window opened with ease, and you smiled. It was obvious from the wear that the Prince often used this window to sneak out. You entered the room cautiously, boots thudding softly on the carpeted floor. The desk was across the room, but based on the snores you heard from the Prince’s bed, getting there shouldn’t be a problem.

You opened the drawer and just as your intel had said, there lay the ruby bracelet, ripe for the taking. Soon, you’d be off somewhere remote with plenty of pocket change. Your only way out of here was back the way you came, so you started heading off in that direction, but there was a whoosh of steel and a sword was placed dangerously close to your neck.

“Who are you?” Prince Yami asked, voice rumbly from sleep. “Just a thief.” You replied quietly, there was no talking your way out of this one. You raised your hands in submission, dropping the bracelet. Yami released the sword from your neck and picked up the bracelet, putting it in his pocket. Before he could ask for your name you were taking off across the room, trying to get to the window before he could stop you.

“Wait!” He whispered harshly, “Don’t step… there.”

There was a loud clicking sound, you’d stepped on a trap door. The floor opened up, sending you both tumbling into the pit below. The pit was surprisingly soft at the bottom, as you patted your hand around you realized it was hay.

“Are you okay?” You heard the Prince ask. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you could make him out in the ambient light.

“Yes, I am.”

“That’s good to hear.” He leaned against the wall of the pit, hair disheveled from sleep and from your fall into this place.

An uncomfortable silence settled over you, only the sound of your breaths breaking it.

“Any idea when we can get out of here?” You asked, watching him with hopeful eyes.

Yami sighed, “Not until morning. My knight will come looking for me then and he’ll be able to let us out.”

You smiled sadly, “I see, and I guess after that happens I’ll be executed.”

“Probably.”

The silence fell over you again, this time a more somber one.

“What’s your name?” Yami asked, turning to face you.

You took a breath, wondering if this was a good idea, then decided to just tell him, if you were to die anyway, it would be nice to make a friend first.

“It’s Y/N.”

“I see, that’s a pretty cool name.”

You laughed, “You think so? It seems pretty normal to me.”

Yami smiled, “Maybe so. You’ll have to forgive me, I don’t have many friends.”

“Really? I’d expect a handsome prince such as yourself to be surrounded by them.”

Yami laughed, a deep rumbly chuckle that you could feel in your own chest, “I suppose it may appear that way, but really it’s just people that want to suck up to me because of my title.”

You nodded, fixing your gaze upwards, “I know how that goes.”

Yami squinted, surprised at your admission, “Really? You don’t seem the type.”

You laughed and Yami cocked his head, studying your face best he could in this light, “Even royals can become disgraced Prince Yami. I used to be in a similar position to yourself, but I ran away, needed to get out of that place.”

You scooted closer to each other as you continued with your story, Yami settled his elbows on his knees.

“I used to have dreams about leaving, buying my own house by the seaside, living independently. No maids or servants, just me.” Your voice sounded almost wistful as you spoke, and Yami thought of his own dreams.

“I want to leave this place too.”

“Is that so? Where would you go?” You cocked an eyebrow, studying him. Prince Yami was attractive in a rugged sort of way, his jaw was chiseled and covered with stubble, and even in this dim light, you could tell how muscular he was.

Yami straightened, his eyes full of a hopeful sparkle, “I want to go live in the forest and open my own Knight Training academy. I’d take in the misfits from the Kingdom, those who have no place else to go. Maybe we’d be a family of sorts, it would certainly be better than what I have here.”

You smiled, a wistful sadness overtaking you, “That sounds lovely Prince Yami.”

“Oh please, call me Yami, there’s no need for formality here. And really? You don’t think it’s dumb?”

“No, not at all. In fact, I think it’s a noble dream.”

The two of you talked for a while longer, until your eyes were bleary with sleep. You huddled together for warmth as the pit became colder.

“I’m sorry I got us into this mess Yami.” You said softly, you had scooted next to him now, your head resting lightly on his chest.

Yami chuckled softly, “I wish I could hate you for it but the truth is, this is the first time I’ve been able to be this open with anyone in quite a while.”

“I see, well that’s comforting to hear.”

Yami got the spark of an idea, “Y/N.”

“Yes?”

He sat up excitedly, and you pulled away so you could look at him better.

“What if I did open that training school, and what if you were my first recruit? If you didn’t end up being executed of course. We could find a spot in the woods near the seaside, there is such a place, I’ve seen it. And we could open that school together! You’ve already proven that you can be sneaky, you could train our knights in stealth techniques.”

Yami’s words were kind, you could find hope being stoked in your heart, but you knew it couldn’t happen. You surely would be executed for trespassing and attempted theft.

“But… how would that happen? I will surely be killed in the morning.”

“Not if I lie.”

“Lie? What could you possibly come up with that could get me out of my inevitable fate?”

“You’ll see, I am excellent at talking my way out of things.”

You wished you could believe him.

-

The trapdoor was opened sometime later, letting the harsh light of the morning into your prison.

“Prince Yami, how many times have I told you to be careful? I have pointed the spot of the trapdoor to you many many times now.” A voice from above said.

“I know Finral, I’m sorry.”

You and Yami climbed from the pit and Finral drew his knife. You tried not to panic, but the possibility of you being thrown in jail, and worse, were almost certain now.

“Who is this Prince Yami? Are they a criminal? Did they trespass into your room?”

Yami put a hand up, gesturing for Finral to put the knife down.

“No, they aren’t, and no they didn’t. This is Y/N, and the past few months we have been discussing plans for my training academy, in secret of course.”

Finral blinked, looking from you to Yami and back again. “Is this where you have been running off to then?”

Yami nodded sheepishly, “Yes, I didn’t want to tell you because you’d already warned me against such actions.”

“Prince Yami, you already know I support you fully. In fact, I have already found a property in the woods like you wanted. I’ve even cleared your plan for the school with the King.”

Yami sucked in a breath, “Is the ocean close by too?”

When Finral nodded, you and Yami clasped each other's hands excitedly, then you wrapped Finral into a tight hug.

“This is great! When can we set off?” Yami asked, chuckling as Finral took deep breaths after being let go.

“Right now if we hurry.”

“Great! I will pack my bags.”

Finral nodded and set off to pack his own.

“Well?” Yami turned to you, eyes full of hope, “Do you still want to come? If you want to leave there will be no hard feelings.”

To his delight, you smiled, taking his hand in your own. “Of course I do.”

Over the course of one night, your life had completely changed, and you were filled with hope once more. Maybe, just maybe, you could make a difference here, unlike in your own kingdom. As you watched Yami buzzing about, packing his things, you couldn’t help but smile, maybe you could find love here as well.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

[oftenderweapons]

Apple Of My Pie (6) — Jin

A Small Town Swoons story

Chapter 6.

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x reader (nicknamed Buttercup)

Wordcount: 3.8k

Genre: non-idol!AU, Baker/Café owner!Seokjin, University student!reader Flatmates!AU, Friends To Lovers; angst, very little fluff

Rating: suggested 18+ for future smut and swearing

A/N: Hello my cupcakes! Welcome to the Small Town Swoon Universe! 🥰✨

In this episode: Jin and Buttercup have been apart for a while. Both mourn for their separation, Buttercup nursed by the attentive care of Jeongguk and Yoongi, while Seokjin prefers dwelling on his feelings in solitude. In the deepest darkness, some sense finally sheds a light, thanks to the words of an unexpected ally. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Swearing. Both jin and Buttercup are underfed, which leads to a sense of coldness and numbness, fatigue and haziness that are mentioned in the fic. 

Remember to vote for next prompt (check the link in my bio) and in case you need it, here’s my masterlist 💜

If you’d like some company, here is the music companion (Spotify only, sorry 😔)

Enjoy ✨💜

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7 (7/7)

He missed you.

He missed you a lot.

He missed you waking up at two am to raid the kitchen. He missed hearing your laugh from across the apartment while you watched something.

He missed hearing you ramble on and on about literature in your own room as you studied your lessons, he missed breakfast together, he missed waking up at two pm after a night shift and having late lunch together after you came back from your lessons. He missed making you hot cocoa, watching films together, having dinner, talking about boring stuff.

He missed you.

He had been missing you for two weeks now, and soon they would become three.

Nineteen days. In a few hours he would have to handle one more Saturday dinner alone, one more Saturday night without watching a film with you on the sofa. And then another Sunday morning when he would cook too much food and end up bringing it to Taehyung.

Nineteen days.

That’s how long you had been missing.

And every time he came back home, one more piece of you disappeared. Your toiletries had vanished on that unfortunate Sunday. That inglorious, tragic Sunday, when he was still too confused to understand the end had started.

On Monday, the first few books were gone; your currently reading novels, usually abandoned on the coffee table, had disappeared.

Next your blanket, the one his granny had gifted you for your first Christmas away from home. That was on Tuesday, with some more books.

The emptiness he had prayed for ever since he had decided he needed to fall out of love with you was slowly conquering the apartment. The same emptiness, once a welcome feeling in his mind, now manifested in his heart as a slow, ruthless strangling, the one where you know exactly what is happening, and you feel every cell of your body oppose, fight for oxygen, like a person clawing at the offender’s fingers tightening around their throat.

He felt like he was drowning, inch by inch, unfathomably.

He rang the door bell.

A disturbingly sweet scent of tuberose met his nostrils. He flinched.

“Hi, come in!”

“We can order in some pizza or I could make pasta. Or risotto.” Jeongguk sat beside you, stealing your book and putting it down. “You need to eat, Sweets.”

You shook your head. “I’m okay, I’m just not in the mood.”

“Just a little, come on. Make me happy.” He begged, looking at you with those eyes that made it impossible to deny him.

“Okay. Just a little, though, I’m really… Not okay.” You admitted, snuggling up next to Bibby, his torso pillowing your head.

He scared you with a sneeze before you both settled down again. The dog had become your shadow, following you everywhere, as if he could sense your deep need for affection and support.

Jeongguk nodded. “Can you handle a baby pizza? We can eat the leftovers tomorrow for breakfast,” he mused, letting you know it was okay even if you didn’t finish your food.

He just wanted you to eat.

You were cold all the time, your teeth always clattering, your body so weak after days of eating the very minimum to stay alive and studying.

In the last few days you had even given up on attending university, your friends and study buddies sending you the recordings of the lessons. One of your teachers had even noticed your absence and Lara had diligently made up an excuse, saying you had caught a bad flu and that you were slowly recovering.

“Lemme call the pizza place.” Jeongguk cupped your cheek, studying your face, so pale, your eyes, so tired.

You nodded.

Jeongguk sat up and called. “Hi, it’s me. Yeah, can I have a baby Margherita in ten? I know, it’s Friday and rush hour, just a baby Margherita… You’re the best. Yes, I’ll bring you candies. Go to work. Yeah, bye.”

You blinked a few times, quite surprised at Jeongguk’s relaxed tone as he talked to the person on the phone.

“It’ll be here soon. Why don’t you rest your eyes a little. You need that, Sweets.” He reminded you.

He could be so apprehensive, so caring and observant.

He seemed to know everything, the same way Jin did. Still, you were far from feeling for Jeongguk the things you felt for Jin. It felt like that path you had walked to Seokjin would never lead you to Jeongguk, though you had considered.

It wasn’t a matter of food, or time, or affection or care. It was something deeper, deeper than attraction and spending time together and laughing at the same jokes.

It was as if your soul didn’t feel at home in his space, like it could never inhabit his body the way it inhabited yours. Or Seokjin’s.

You closed your eyes.

“Good for you.” Jeongguk said, fixing the blanket around you, adding an extra one for your feet, knowing that they always got cold.

“She’s sleeping.”

“Does she sleep a lot?”

“Quite a lot, yes.”

“Did she lose weight?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“Does she eat, even just a little?”

“When I’m around, yes, but I’m not usually home for lunch. I’m pretty sure she eats breakfast and dinner. Very little food, but at least she eats.”

“That’s reassuring.”

“Yoongi, she’s trying.”

You could hear some voices from the kitchen table, but you refused to open your eyes. You could recognise them with your eyes closed anyway.

Spice’s voice appeared. “I bet she’s exhausted. He looked bad too. They’re hurting so bad, both of them.”

“They had chances, Spice. They turned them down. Maybe they’ll learn the lesson.” Yoongi said coldly.

“Not everyone is like us, baby. They’re taking their time.” Spice calmed him down.

“They won’t have forever.” Yoongi objected with a slight growl in his voice.

Jeongguk stared as Spice brought an arm around Yoongi’s shoulders, pulling him into her chest. She knew it was his history making him speak with so much anger and tension. “If it doesn’t happen, then they’re not meant to be.”

Yoongi relaxed a little. “If they aren’t, then I don’t know who is.”

Spice shook her head. “They’ll work it out.”

Jeongguk placed his head against his hands. “She’s just freezing cold, all the time.”

“You mean her body temperature or her mood?” Yoongi questioned.

“Her temperature.”

Yoongi tutted. “Give her more sugars. She needs fruit and honey and chocolate. Keep those on the coffee table so you can keep them in check, see if she eats.”

“Sure thing.”

“Has she seen him?” Spice asked, still holding Yoongi’s hand.

“No. I don’t think so. Lara tells her when he’s at the bakery so she can go home and get what she needs.” Jeongguk replied.

Yoongi breathed heavily. You could tell it was him by the way his exhale was drenched in exasperation. “That man. He will drive me mad. He’s so stupid.”

“He has a girl—”

“Which in my opinion he should have never had.” Yoongi commented.

“It’s his choice, Yoongi. He fucked up. I’m here for her.” Jeongguk objected. “I’m her friend.”

“You had feeli—”

“I had them. In the past. You know how this works, Yoongi. How it works for me. She’s never been it. I’ll know when the right one comes.” Jeongguk stated, as determined as ever.

“Then learn the lesson from that fucker and when she comes, tell her what she means to you.” Yoongi said, squeezing Spice’s hand in his.

“I’ll tell her so much she’ll get tired of it.” Jeongguk affirmed with the solemn tone of promises.

Spice squeezed Yoongi’s hand in return. “We never get tired of hearing that.”

Yoongi’s eyes met those of his lover, friend and partner. “We never do.” He said, like a whispered secret to his beloved.

Jeongguk smiled at the exchange. That was his goal. Finding something like that, like what he saw between his friends, right in that moment.

“Should I wake her?” He asked, musing about your situation.

Yoongi got out of his bubble and replied quickly. “Yes. Try keeping her close to a proper sleeping schedule. Her body is spread thin right now, so she’ll need naps, but don’t let those last too long.” The man instructed. “If it doesn’t get better in two weeks, then we’ll need to get proper help. You know there’s not much I can do since I’m connected to both. I cannot be professional about it.” Yoongi explained. “I have a uni colleague who practices and who could help her, were this to continue.”

“Thank you, Yoongi.”

“All cool, kid. Text me when she’s up. Tell her to call me if you see she’s ready.”

Jeongguk nodded, “I’ll have her call you.”

“Yeah, just don’t force her,” Yoongi replied, standing up and wearing his coat. “Spice and I will be out of town next weekend. Just so you know.”

Jeongguk smiled, “thank you for telling me.”

“Wake her and feed her.” Yoongi said, walking to the door, Spice following him closely. She watched as Yoongi’s eyes looked for your sleeping form. “Tell her we love her a lot. That she needs to be strong and healthy to explore the woods with Joon and to help us with spring pies.” Yoongi shook his head. “Maybe ignore the pies.”

Jeongguk nodded. “Joon will bring her to the cottage soon. I’ll be having a busy week starting Monday.”

“Great. See you, Gukkie.” Yoongi said, finally ready to leave.

From the smell of coffee and leather, you felt what could only be Spice’s hand touching your face. “Stay safe, baby.” She told you, still thinking you were asleep.

Underneath all those layers, Spice was a sweetheart, after all. It made your heart clench.

“Bye Guk.” She said, shortly before you heard the door close.

He sat beside you and Bibby. “Open your eyes, Sweets. You need to eat your dinner.”

You pouted and stretched, sitting up. “I’m going to the cottage?”

“Namjoon will pass by on Sunday to pick you up.” Jeongguk said, incapable of hiding some envy. He wanted to go to the cottage too. It was beautiful to see how much a day can make a difference in the woods in spring.

You nodded, already comforted by the thought of sharing some time with one of the people you respected and trusted the most, in his lovely cottage, among his plants and paintings and books. It was the most healing place in the universe. “Can I have some pizza?” You asked, sniffing at the inviting scent in the air.

Jeongguk smiled at your question, significantly happy with your request. “Of course.”

“How are you? Did you sleep a little?” Grace asked, getting a glass of water and some biscuits for Seokjin.

He smiled at the young woman but sneered at the food, almost hissing. He felt ready to throw up his guts. He felt disgusting.

“Not much.” He said, rubbing his arms. He felt so cold.

Grace shook her head. “You should eat.”

Seokjin looked out of the window, the orange afternoon sun hurting his eyes. Two more hours. Saturday dinner alone. He tried to find the words, the right words.

He realised there weren’t any.

“I miss her, Grace.” Jin placed his elbows on the table and planted his forehead against his palms. “I miss her too much.”

Grace nodded and stood up. She walked to the window and stood there, with her back to Jin. “Everyone. Everyone in this town knows. Everyone.” She paused. Seokjin waited. She didn’t speak with anger or sadness. She simply spoke, like one who knew.

“Everyone knows about you and her, about how perfect you look together. But she didn’t even consider you. You always cared for her, but who cared for you? Who made breakfast and dinner and the laundry and the cleaning for you?” Grace seemed upset now. “She never made a move, though. Everyone knew, but sometimes only one person really, actually knows.” She turned around. She had a small smile on, a bitter one, maybe. “Because you weren’t hers, I made a move. And I never expected you would take me into consideration, all the girls — and the boys — who have tried never succeeded. How would I?” Again she paused. “But I did it. Somehow.”

Seokjin nodded. “You are a great person, Grace. You’re smart, kind, beautiful. And you’re dedicated, and I was attracted to you since the first time I saw you.”

“But I’m not her, am I?” She said, so gentle; the kind of gentleness that you use with strangers, to keep them at a distance.

“You’re not her, and there are pros and cons to this, just like for any other people.” Seokjin replied politely.

Grace nodded as she paced back and forth. She grabbed a biscuit and she ate it unhurriedly, still pacing, chewing it slowly.

“I tried to move on.” Seokjin explained, “but maybe I’m not ready.”

Grace bobbed her head. “Fair. After all I could be only a carer.” She admitted. “I think I took pity on you, but never truly loved you.” Her expression looked sad but honest.

Seokjin pursed his lips. “We both deserve better than dull pity, may it be giving or receiving.”

“I thought pity would suffice. We could be great friends and then grow into something more than that. But some friendships don’t evolve like the one you have with her.” Grace sat down in front of her guest. Her boyfriend. Soon to be her ex.

Their time together was coming to an end, each second inevitable like the ticking of the clock.

“I hope you don’t feel insulted, or disrespected.” Seokjin confessed, his tone of voice extremely apologetic.

“We both got into this with the wrong intentions. I think we both deserve the best and we clearly will not get it from each other. You need her, and I'm just a detour on your way to her—”

“Please, don't think that I didn't care about you.” He said, with so much pain in his voice. He was so disappointed in himself.

“I know you cared. Maybe you still care, but I know you wouldn't be here if she were an option.” Grace said, her voice honest, a bit harsh maybe, but with no suffering or aggression.

“Don't think I chose you because I couldn't have her. Among several options, I still chose you, because you were the one I liked the most, because I could fall in love with you. And I still like you, but I didn't fall. And I'm not sure that will happen.” Seokjin spoke with transparent unequivocality.

“It would be stupid for us to continue down this path. We would just lie to each other, unless we accept that our relationship will be based on fondness and nothing more.” Grace explained clearly.

Seokjin pouted. “We're too young for fondness.”

“We are.” Grace agreed. “But you need to tell her, Jin. You must tell her. You're hurting for a separation you could have absolutely avoided. At least, if you have to suffer, do it for the right reason.” Grace had a clarity in her that Seokjin had come to respect. He knew someone would love it someday. Someone would take care of her and cherish her and adore her and worship her with her gifts and imperfections. Someone could even love the scent of tuberoses that always lingered on her skin.

“I think we're ready to say goodbye.” She mused. “Although I would love it if we could still be friendly around each other. I don't wanna say 'let's stay friends' because that could be hypocritical of me right now, but I think I'd be very happy if we could still say hi and chat at the bakery when I stop by.”

“I think I'd be proud to call you my friend, when you feel ready for that. Still, you don't have to do that. I understand I hurt you—”

“No offense, but you didn't hurt me. I already knew what I was getting myself into. I think I've always known you would never be mine. A part of me was ready for this to happen and I think that's what's keeping this from being hurtful or insulting or whatever. We have been clear from the very start.”

“I wasn't clear about her.” Seokjin's eyes watered. He felt like he didn't deserve Grace's mercy and understanding.

“Anyone and everyone could tell. You were clear with anything but words. Plus I knew, and still I let it happen.” Grace took Seokjin's hand in hers. “It's not your fault. You're not alone.”

He didn't know when it happened but somehow he was crying, weeping like a baby, sobbing and sniffling.

Grace rose and walked to his chair, standing behind him, placing both her hands on his shoulders, rubbing them energetically. “You’re gonna be alright, Jin. Just go and fix all this mess with her. Talk to her please or I swear I'm gonna hate you. Don't make all this pain useless.” The young woman hugged him and kissed his head. “Stop telling yourself you don't deserve her. Stop being paranoid about her turning you down. Have you ever considered her giving you a chance?” She spoke with a soothing tone, something that he knew would make her a great mother someday. He could see himself kicking his own butt and begging Grace to take him back, were he ever to learn how to love her.

However, a part of his brain told him that loving Grace was something he could never learn, just like he never had to learn how to love you.

“You're one smart, beautiful woman, you know?” He asked, patting Grace's hands with his. “I hope you get someone who can love you the way you need.”

Grace nodded. “The same to you, dear. Now go get your lady or I'm going to castrate you.”

He squeaked out a teary laugh before standing up. “Are you okay with me hugging you?”

She smiled and nodded.

The embrace held for maybe half a minute before she whispered 'go, quick', like her gut was telling her something.

Seokjin smiled before winking and running out of the building.

You were grateful for the umbrella. You knew that soon the light drizzle would become a full storm and with all your heart you hoped you had enough time to carry your stuff to Yoongi’s pub, Ginger’s, and save yourself from the rain.

You were eager to get your stuff ready. All you wanted was for it to be Sunday already, for the energy of the woods to restore your soul and offer a safe haven to your mourning body.

You wanted the slightly damp spring days, the blossoms on the trees and the light green new leaves. You longed to see the lawns become once more verdant, filled with daisies and the frolicking of bees and butterflies.

However, for now you were stuck in the cold, humid weather, not a hint of spring in sight.

With a slight pout you entered your building, climbing the stairs in a path you could walk with your eyes closed.

The keys indented your skin uncomfortably, your hold too tight.

You slipped the right one in quickly, trying to make the errand as brief as possible.

Once you entered, you took off your shoes. You didn’t want to stain Seokjin’s floor, especially considering how he always took care of it, spending extra time in treating the hardwood boards with special products to keep them glossy and vibrant in their splendid maroon colour.

You completely avoided looking at the kitchen, walking to your room and finding the last bag of clothes resting on the bed, still made with three-week-old sheets. You wondered whether it was a good idea for you to wash them, but once you were reminded you would be gone for a whole week, maybe more, you shook your head and went on with your tasks, cleaning up your desk once you noticed the dust on it.

Your tiny bookcase was halfway empty, the only things left some old books you read during your first year and tiny trinkets.

A can of cherry coke from your first trip to the lake with the guys; a tattoo Jeongguk had designed for you a long time ago, waiting for you to finally find the guts to get it done; granny’s recipe for her special apple pie; a picture of you and Seokjin at the bakery’s fiftieth anniversary, a small buttercup flower dried and pressed into the framed picture; another photo, this one from your birthday, the guys surrounding you in a group hug, and Seokjin staring from the distance, his eyes glimmering with something your mouth will never speak.

You were slowly spiralling into despair when you heard the door unlock.

Dread grabbed your insides and twisted them tight, your hands unconsciously snatching the bag, switching off the lights before you tried to run out of your room, hoping it was just a projection of your exhausted brain.

It wasn’t.

There, on the entry mat stood Seokjin, drenched head to toe.

You stared at each other for a second.

“Hi.” He said.

He looked a mess. “Are you alright?”

He bent forward, his hands on his knees, his chest heaving with laboured breathing as he shook his head.

He knelt on the floor.

He shook his head some more.

You stood paralysed in front of him.

“I could use a friend.” He whispered, right before you dropped your bag and fell to your knees right in front of him, pressing his face to your chest. “You said you would never leave me alone. You promised.” He sobbed, hugging you to his body. “You promised.” He repeated, your clothes getting wet as they touched his.

“I’m sorry Jinnie. I’m so sorry, honey.” You replied, tearing up yourself. “Come in, let’s get you warm and dry.”

He refused. “Don’t go.”

“I’m not going, Jinnie. Come in.” You spoke softly.

“Swear on your cocoa that you won’t leave.” He required.

“I swear on the cocoa, now please come in, I don’t want you to catch a cold, Jin. Please.”

Reluctantly he followed your lead.

“You should get changed.” You said, cupping his cheek as the two of you stood one in front of the other.

His skin felt too hot.

“I don’t want to get you out of my sight.” He said, hugging you again.

You were both drenched by now. “We both need to get changed.”

He pouted. “You get in the bathroom. I wait outside. I can get changed while you’re in.” He said, sure that you were too smart — and too lazy — to jump out of the window.

“I won’t run.” You said, trying to reassure him.

“What if you change your mind?” He insinuated with an accusing, hurt tone.

You gave up. “Okay, I’ll get changed in the bathroom.” You conceded, grabbing your duffel bag and walking in the room, closing the door behind you.

You changed quickly, trying to show him you were invested in staying as little away from him as possible.

“I’m ready.” You called, waiting to open the door. You didn’t want to see something you weren’t meant to.

“Yes, you can come out.” He said.

As you opened the door, the first thing you noticed was his bare chest, wide, immense before your eyes.

You averted your gaze as he slipped on a sweater. He hugged you again. “I’m cold.” He murmured.

Your heart couldn’t handle that. “Let’s get on the sofa.”

“I don’t have a blanket anymore.” He said, looking at you with eyes so big, so lost and emotional.

You shook your head and entered his bedroom, grabbing his comforter carelessly. “Let’s go.”

He smiled and followed you, sitting down and dragging you onto his lap.

“Seokjin.” You reprimanded, thinking of the last time you had seen him.

“What?” He asked, fixing the covers around the two of you, holding you so tight you almost couldn’t breathe.

“What about Grace.” You said, not even a question, just a distant, unemotional statement.

“No more. I left her, Buttercup.” He said, nuzzling his nose into your hair. “I left her.”

You smelled so good.

You always smelled so good.

He kissed your neck. You tasted good too.

“Jinnie.”

“We’ll talk in the morning. I just need to sleep next to you. Please, Buttercup.” He begged, so tired and so adorably undeniable.

“Let’s sleep then.”

----------------------------------------------

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7 (7/7)

[detectivegremlin]

I SAW MOTHMAN

So this is the beginning of it all. First I want to preface that I did in fact make this post with a very Clickbait intent. So I went back and edited.

Here's the thing. I did in fact see Mothman. And by the time that I posted this, I had already sat down to have a chat with him. And the majority of my other posts were made in a similar way because I am copying directly from my notebook. But, as I edit this, it has almost been a month. And there is a lot to cover.

First off, I did not post daily. I did not keep a clean schedule. And second of all, time just vanished. I cannot describe it. Because the time on the internet is real. It's current and it's accurate. For YOU the reader, time has not gone. But why do I post so much in the late (early?) AM? Well that's because that is what noon is for me. Another thing is, I am aware that I repeat a lot of things. That's because my memory is kind of going. I've gone into the woods a few times and everything is fuzzy when I come out. The notes I take in those moments come out as scribbles the memories are foggy and scattered. I call this the Spooky Town blog because this is so much more than just Mothman.

This first post will be pinned and have references to all the info. This post will be edited to reflect what is happening in the moment.

And at this moment we are searching for Emmie. She has a blog here, @studyingscarlet. She is slightly out of her mind right now and my friend from town Farah is looking for her. So my only job right now is to make this make as much sense as possible so I will be posting the most tonight. Also remember. Just because I say a specific day, it doesn't really mean that that is the time it is for me.

Updated: 12/05/2021 7:05

Mothman Pt. 1

https://detectivegremlin.tumblr.com/post/668194628282073088/i-saw-mothman-pt1

Mothman Pt. 2

https://detectivegremlin.tumblr.com/post/668196155977613312/i-saw-mothman

Mothman Pt.3

https://detectivegremlin.tumblr.com/post/668200885164343296/i-saw-mothman-pt3

[that-was-anticlimactic]

I was tagged by the lovely and wonderful @zukosaturtle-duck :) thank you, Ellen:)

1. name/nickname: Corey actually is my nickname! My full name is Corrina but when I first made an Instagram fan account in 2012, someone asked my name and sixth grade me panicked and said Corey! I’m sick of having my name mispronounced even after correcting them, so I like giving people options:) I’ve also had two teachers accidentally call me Corona in the past year so I guess that’s a nickname too lol

2. gender: female

3. star sign: Capricorn

4. height: so. I haven’t measured or weighed myself in literal years because I just didn’t ?? Last time I measured myself, I was 5’1 1/2, but I think I’m 5’2 now?? Maybe 5’2 1/2???? I should probably measure myself haha

5. time: 12:31pm

6. birthday: December 29th

7. favorite bands/groups: ... I listen to Broadway:) so I’ll just name my favorite musicals: Aladdin, A Chorus Line, Come From Away, and Starry:)

8. favorite solo artist: ummm again, I listen to mostly Broadway so umm I’ll just name some more musical I like: Dogfight, Finding Neverland, anything by Team Starkid, Into the Woods, The Lightning Thief:)

9. song stuck in my head: Love Thy Neighbor from The Prom

10. last movie: Legend of Everfree

11. last show: I’m actually currently rewatching Psych (like literally right now I’m watching the episode Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead as I type this). It’s, in my opinion, the best live action show out there.

12. when did i create this blog: imma be real— I don’t remember?? Either 2017 or 2018???

13. what do i post: my blog used to be Ninjago, but now it’s a mix of atla / lok, Ninjago, The Hollow, and pretty much any cartoon! I also reblog some musical stuff, friendly reminders, and just stuff I think is important! I do post fanfiction on occasion as well! Love reblogging art because I can’t draw for crap and seeing beautiful art is 🥺🥰

14. last thing i googled: “when is kiss of the spider woman set” I was on a face time with my internet friends last night and every night I practice trying to say all of the MLP episodes in a season (alternates by night) in order, so I did s5 and then my other friend was like “gimme a year and I bet I can name all of the Tony nominees for best musical every year” and we were double checking haha

15. other blogs: this is my only blog akbekejrj

16. do i get asks: sometimes! The majority of my asks have to do with Sokka with Tourette’s headcanons or anything with TS, and I love that:)

17. why did i choose this url: my favorite word is anticlimactic and one of the scenes that made me laugh the hardest in Ninjago is in s5 ep4 when Cole thinks the other three are playing a prank on him and they’re running after him and Jay screams “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR” and then nothing happens and Kai just goes “... well that was anticlimactic” and it’s just my favorite thing ever and I’ve considered changing my url to zukkaclimactic but I love that line so much I’m wjevjebr

18. following: 253 (crap I should follow more people wksbejje)

19. followers: 434🥺 thanks for putting up with my crap, friends🥺

20. average hours of sleep: hahahhaha umm god question. not sure. terrible sleep schedule, just ask Grace lol

21. lucky number: 3! I just love odd numbers and years ago (like sixth grade again) my friend and I made a dumb little Ninjago number code for whatever reason and my favorite character was three and idk I’ve felt a “connection” with three ever since haha

22. instruments: I played alto saxophone in band for seven-eight years, three years in marching band and tenor sax one year in marching band and part of my junior / senior year of high school!

23. what am i wearing: lol haven’t left my bed yet today so pajama pants with cute little cartoon pigs on them and a black long sleeve shirt hahahha

24. dream job: well, I’m going to college for English education, so teaching high school English is absolutely a dream job, but my impossible dream job would be voice acting, Broadway (if I could I actually sing ugh), or I would like to write a cartoon television show (and also lowkey voice a character). I do actually love my major, though, and it is a dream job!

25. dream trip: DENMARK DENMARK DENAMRK DENMARK!!! I love Denmark. I’m literally attempting to learn Danish for fun because I love Denmark. I know three Danish sign language words (I’m also almost fluent in asl but this is Danish sign language I—) but um ahem aside from Denmark, any trip where I meet my internet friends

26. favorite food: ngl I really like tomatoes. I eat whole tomatoes like apples a lot. Fantastic.

27. nationality: american

28. favorite song: my favorite song will always be High Adventure from Aladdin. That song is so important to me for reasons I won’t get into right now because this is long enough as it is, but that will always be my favorite song.

29. last book read: hmm I think the last book I read was fanfiction uhh but I am currently reading The Color Purple!

30. 3 fictional universes you’d like to live in: bro. Bro. Can I just live in a fictional universe. How must I choose only three ??? Umm Equestria from MLP, there’s just something so magical and powerful about the world from Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts and maybe it’s the fact that in the end humans and mutes live on the surface together so that’s my number two, and uhhh the world in Land of Stories like the book world.

Oh boy the hardest part: tagging people who haven’t been tagged yet. Umm @evelinaonline (I know you aren’t on tumblr as much, but friendship is magic haha), @tikmasjiens , @dnd-beyond (my fellow starkid fan), @rainydaysammy , and @canyourscienceexplainthis (feel free to not do this if you don’t want to! There’s no pressure to do it!)

[vangoghcean]

Hey! Are you currently in uni/ college? I’m just looking for any kind of motivation during all of this happening 😅🥺

hello! yes !! i am currently in my last year of college (though the school system works a bit differently than most where i live)! i TOTALLY feel u! this year was ‘supposed to be’ THE GRIND for me! i was gonna study super hard, work crazy hours and apply for a visa to go move out to live in NYC next year! now, without knowing if any of that is possible (and honestly: not knowing if that’s even what i want anymore??) i’m lacking such motivation. on top of that, i 100% recognize that i’m in such a fortunate and comfortable position at this time and that people are struggling much much worse! this should motivate me but somehow makes going to school online feel even stupider!! it’s honestly making me question the trajectory i want my life to take because why am i here if not to help people??? but many of the seemingly practical ways to help people are through corrupt systems in which i want no part?? CONFUSING. for now i’m dedicated to putting what i can in mutual aid funds & highlyyy recommend that if you even have $5 to pop in every now and then that you do. this feels like the future. IN ANY CASE. motivation for studying online (i’m assuming this is the sitch). it can be tricky. my tips are probably the most basic ones you’ve seen over and over but here goes:

MAKE YOURSELF A REGULAR SCHEDULE. set a wake-up alarm for the same time every day. if you find it hard to not just hit snooze, get ur early bird friend to call u up in the morning and chat to u as they get ready until u can secure the caffeine. 😂 but fr, alarms are ur best friend. u can use them to schedule in break time, work periods... and u can use your agenda to mark down days off, due dates, etc. try to estimate how long each project/reading will take you and allot specific times of the day for it. really try to hold yourself accountable! or find a friend to check in on your progress!

GET READY EVERY MORNING. you probably don’t feel as motivated to work in your pyjamas. put on clothes you’d go to a job interview in. doll yourself up if you need to! you’ll feel so much more prepared to work!! (+ if you wear slightly uncomfortable things like jeans, if you’re like me, you’re much less likely to laze around)!

WORK ANYWHERE BUT YOUR BED. set up your station at a desk, your kitchen table, your kitchen counter or in even in a bathtub!! literally ANYWHERE but your bed or a couch. separate your work space and rest space as much as you can. i know this is not always easy (personally, my desk is not even a meter away from my bed and they’re against opposing walls... but do your best!)

MAKE TIME TO BE SOCIAL. you don’t have to go out to a pandemic party in your spare time, but taking a minute to facetime your friend or go chat to your sister or literally have a conversation with the person at the post office (u.s. pals pls support the USPS if u can) will help your mood and motivation immensely. study in silence over facetime with friends. take 3 seconds to scroll through the meme group chat that you’re part of. it’s about the little things 💗

BE ACTIVE. you don’t have to run a marathon, or even follow a chloe ting ab workout (although 10/10 would recommend i actually love that workout!). if you just take 40 seconds to do some jumping jacks in between classes or while the teacher is lecturing and you cannoootttttt sit still anymore, this can boost your mood! it can help you be able to concentrate better and also helps your blood circulation (every 20 mins you should get up and walk around for a bit ideally)!

KEEP YOUR STATION TIDY. don’t clutter your space with things if you can avoid it. computer, headphones, notepad, literary texts/textbook, paper, pencil, eraser, sharpener, pen, whiteout. BOOM. done. that’s it. (well, maybe except for coffee/water/tea, which, btw, i’d recommend keeping in a bottle or thermos that you can lock so that u can avoid frying your technology!!) everything else can be stowed away somewhere and pulled out when needed. if you’re in art school or some other program where things can get messy, create a system that makes all your materials accessible but not immediately in the way. (also, as someone with a very tiny space, i’m here to tell u there is ALWAYS a way to do this!!! & it’s ok to ask for help!!! if your space is not conducive for work? borrow a few screws and a screwdriver or a nail and hammer from ur neighbor! get a lil plank of wood from the store or the side of the road or someone you know and bang a shelf into your wall! or grab moving boxes from a buddy and stack em in your corner to make a storage space! there’s always a way.)

USE. AN. AGENDA. i think i already touched on this one but HONEY if u don’t have an agenda or a calendar WHAT ArE You DoInG???? once, i didn’t have enough money to buy one, so i literally paid 2$ for colourful construction paper at the dollar store, drew the dates in and stapled one together. there is not really any excuse to not have one! you can use the back pages of your unfinished third grade math notebook! it doesn’t matter! you just need a space to write things down because this is probably one of THE most essential tools for staying motivated (writing down ur goals) and staying on track (writing in due dates, etc.)!! u can watch cute bullet journal videos and fill it with stickers if that motivates u! or do what i did this year and buy one that’s way expensive so that u feel bad about how much money u spent and therefore HAVE to use it 😂 whatever works for u!

JOURNAL. this may sound kind of irrelevant, but i found that i was SO much more motivated to go to online school when i had a space to just let out all my negative emotions towards it. in my journal, i would dump out all my feelings of disdain towards doing theatre school online and missing my friends...so then when it actually came to school, i was pretty much over it and was just excited to see them and my teachers (even tho it was just virtually!)

maybe u weren’t asking for advice lol but i felt like going OFF!! 😂 if anyone has tips for motivation/success at online school in this wild global pandemic era we’re living in reblog and add em! we can make this a cute little chain!! hope you’re all taking care! i believe in u and u r going to do AMAZING this school year i feel it ✨💞

[carewyncromwell]

Hey guys! Normally I just jump right into my gameplay posts and then put in additional notes at the end, but for this particular set of gameplay posts I plan to do, I think I’ll need to do the notes first.

This upcoming series will be based on the Quidditch sidequest “Quest for the Quidditch Cup.” (And will be tagged thusly!) Normally the game HPHM sets this in our first year playing Quidditch, circa year 2...but not only am I well past year 2, but I’ve written some lore about Carewyn and her relationship with the Slytherin Quidditch team that goes against this particular side quest’s plot line. Here are bullet points!

Carewyn was introduced to Quidditch Friendlies in third year through Penny, and also received training from Skye. She even played as a substitute Chaser in Slytherin’s match against Hufflepuff in her third year.

After Skye made up rumors about Erika Rath, however, Carewyn and Skye had a pretty substantive falling-out, given Carewyn’s over-sensitivity to bullying. Not wanting to cause further drama for Orion’s team but not wanting to stand by Skye’s behavior, Carewyn quietly withdrew from the Slytherin Quidditch team, allowing the original Chaser to take back their spot for the last two matches of the season.

Carewyn has continued to play in Quidditch friendlies as a Chaser (often against or alongside Ravenclaw Keeper Andre and Gryffindor Seeker Charlie), but has not tried to take back a spot on the Slytherin Quidditch team again.

Orion -- who Carewyn is incredibly fond of, partially because of how much he reminds her of her brother Jacob -- has every-so-often tried to bring Carewyn back into the fold, but Carewyn has been reluctant to commit, partly because of her hyper-focus on the Vaults and partly because of her strained relationship with Skye.

Age-wise, I have written Murphy, Skye, and Orion as all being a year older than Carewyn (hence why we don’t see them in any of her classes). These gameplays will take place toward the end of year 6 well after that certain Redacted event, even though I haven’t reached that point in the game yet, because Carewyn is currently in year 6, but the last game of the Quidditch season would have to take place in the spring. This is also why Orion isn’t two years ahead of Carewyn -- if he were, he’d be graduated already! I do see him being born toward the end of the year, though, so he would still be the eldest of the three Quidditch characters. XD; Because of the timing, Carewyn will have just completed her character arc where she’s learned to open up a bit more to her friends at this point too and is no longer shutting her friends out of what’s going on with R or the Cursed Vaults. I also fortunately don’t have much interest in writing any further Quidditch plotlines with Carewyn, so I won’t have to worry about writing any contradictory season 2 gameplays. (If nothing else, Carewyn would be a GOD-AWFUL Beater.)

With all this out of the way...let the games begin!

~x~x~x~x~

[Carewyn had had to deal with a lot of unexpected things that year, but one thing she certainly had not been expecting was receiving an owl from Orion Amari. The Slytherin Quidditch Captain would reach out to her sometimes when she was playing in Quidditch friendlies or otherwise visiting the Quidditch Pitch, but they almost never collided in the hallways of Hogwarts themselves, partly because Orion was a year older than her, but also because Orion just seemed to operate on his own schedule. Carewyn sometimes wondered if he Broom-Surfed through life, rather than walking like ordinary people did.

Regardless, when Carewyn arrived in the Great Hall to meet Orion, she found him already there, sitting at the end of the Slytherin table with Quidditch commentator Murphy McNully.]

Murphy: “Been a long time! I haven’t seen you since the final Quidditch friendly last year -- reckon your team would’ve had only a 0.5% chance of victory, if you hadn’t been able to hit the Quaffle past the Keeper with your broom just before the opposing Seeker caught the Snitch...1% at the most...”

“(politely) It’s good to see you too, McNully.”

[Carewyn turned to Orion, looking a bit more serious.]

“I heard about Skye’s injury. What happened? I heard some people say Rath hit Skye with a Bludger...but I just can’t see Rath doing something like that on purpose: she could get banned from Quidditch for actively trying to target an opposing team’s player like that.”

[Orion nodded solemnly, his gaze very pensive.]

Orion: “Your thought process has some merit, Carewyn...but I’m afraid we really can’t know for sure. We have only two witnesses to the event -- Rath and Skye -- with two versions of the truth. One says it was an accident, the other purposeful.”

“(frowns) But those two things contradict each other. They can’t both be the truth.”

Orion: “They are both their truths. In any case, the result is the same, and our Chaser was injured.”

[Carewyn couldn’t entirely agree with this -- she would feel a lot better knowing it was an accident rather than Rath getting away scot-free with hurting one of Slytherin’s players...but really, such a sentiment was pretty typical for Orion, and there was a lot more to discuss.

Her gaze drifted down to the table in front of her absently as she leaned her arms against the wood.]

“...Is Skye all right?”

Orion: “Physically, yes -- Madame Pomfrey says she’ll make a full recovery. Emotionally, however, I would not say so, given that Madame Pomfrey also has said she will not be well enough to play in the match.”

[Carewyn’s heart clenched.]

“So she’ll miss the Quidditch final. Your last Quidditch final, ever.”

Murphy: “(grimly) The math would seem to suggest it. At present I’d say there’s only a 23% chance Skye would be able to play, and about 19.9% of that factors in Skye actively ignoring Madame Pomfey’s instructions. And if she did that, I’d say Slytherin would only have a 3% chance of victory.”

[Carewyn felt a wave of empathy wash over her. She may have had her differences with Skye, and she didn’t regret distancing herself from her...but at the same time, she knew how much Quidditch and especially the Quidditch Cup meant to her. Slytherin had been knocked out of the running for the Quidditch Final several times the last few years, largely by Gryffindor, since their team had Quidditch prodigy Charlie as their Seeker. But this year, Charlie had not had his head in the game (for rather obvious reasons), and so Slytherin had finally gotten the opening they needed. But facing Ravenclaw in the Quidditch Final would be no easy task...and, Carewyn thought, Skye had to be absolutely miserable, being stuck on the sidelines at the exact moment when Slytherin finally had a chance to earn the Cup they’d fought so hard for.

Murphy glanced at Orion out the side of his eye critically.]

[Orion gave a single, slow nod.]

[He turned to Carewyn with a wry smile.]

Orion: “...And she is sitting with us at this moment.”

[Carewyn blinked in surprise. Murphy brightened up instantly, looking at Carewyn with a large smile.]

Murphy: “Yes! That’d be brilliant! With your high record of goal scoring and your overall speed, Carewyn, you’d easily improve Slytherin’s odds by a good 31.6%!”

[Despite Murphy’s enthusiasm, Carewyn couldn’t make herself smile back.]

“I don’t know...”

Orion: “(seriously) Carewyn...you have dismissed me several times in the past, but I urge you to hear me out fully before you make your decision. You first left our team because of a personal dispute with Skye, and although I lament it, I also respect that you wanted our team to succeed, and you thought that withdrawing with grace would be the best way to do that. Now, however, we are in dire straits. We need someone who can fill Skye’s role on our team. You trained with Skye. You have consistently played well in every Quidditch friendly you have participated in. And you also more than embody the integrity needed both to lead and to follow -- to place the good of your team over glory for yourself. It’s the reason I asked you to choose our strategy in the match against Hufflepuff three years ago...and it’s the reason both Skye and I believe you should be our third Chaser, in this match against Ravenclaw.”

[This took Carewyn completely aback.]

“Skye said I should?”

[Orion smiled, his dark eyes twinkling with an oddly soft glint.]

Orion: “She urged me to try to convince you. Believe it or not...Skye has lamented the loss of you on our team even more than I have.”

[Carewyn’s narrowed blue eyes drifted off vaguely in the direction of the far wall as she took this in.]

If she felt that way, she should’ve made things right with Rath, then.

[Despite the stubborn irritation lashing at her insides, though, she couldn’t help but feel slightly touched, all the same. To think that Skye would’ve insisted Carewyn fill her spot -- Carewyn knew full well how much Quidditch meant to Skye...so her trusting Carewyn with her spot on the team, right before such an important match...]

I know how hard it is to trust others. It hasn’t been easy for me...even now...it’s not easy, for me. If Skye trusts me that much...if Orion and McNully trust me that much...

[Meeting the Circle of Khanna in the Three Broomsticks and feeling their expectant eyes all on her rippled over Carewyn’s mind. It brought the feeling of responsibility back down onto her shoulders -- that heavy weight that nonetheless made her want to stand even taller, so as to meet that burden.]

I can’t turn my back on them, when they need me.

[There was a new strength in her posture and shoulders as her gaze rose to meet Orion’s.]

“...All right. I’m in.”

[Orion’s dark eyes lit up like stars. His face broke into a large, bright smile and he reached across the table to take hold of Carewyn’s arm, squeezing it affectionately.]

Orion: “It will be a privilege to fly alongside you in my final match at Hogwarts, Carewyn.”

[Carewyn smiled in return, her blue eyes softening visibly. Murphy looked delighted as well.]

Murphy: “Not to mention how exciting it’ll be for my final match as a commentator! Carewyn Cromwell, swooping in just in time to nab Slytherin the Quidditch Cup for the first time in ten years!”

[His expression then turned a lot more business-like.]

Murphy: “We won’t get that great story, though, unless Slytherin wins.”

[Carewyn frowned deeply and nodded. She was well aware -- Gryffindor had opposed Ravenclaw in the Quidditch Cup Final just about every year she was at Hogwarts, and it was largely thanks to Rath smacking Bludgers at Charlie so hard that he was sent to the Hospital Wing that Ravenclaw had won.]

“Rath is not someone to be underestimated. But we have two days before the match -- I’m sure we can come up with a plan by then. In the meantime, I’ll set aside some extra time to practice with the rest of the team.”

[She glanced at Orion for approval. The Slytherin Quidditch Captain inclined his head in a single nod.]

Orion: “This is a time for celebration and hard work. Let us concentrate on coming together as a team and on supporting Skye.”

[Carewyn’s eyes drifted off, landing on the doorway out of the entrance hall.]

“...Maybe I should go see Skye, then...just for a talk.”

Ha! That’s a loaded question...

[She frankly didn’t want to even think about how uncomfortable the reunion between her and Skye would be like, given how they’d ended things and how little they’d subsequently spoken over the years...

Despite those feelings, Carewyn -- true to form -- put on her prettiest, most confident smile.]

[shelby-love]

♔ MY NAVIGATION ♔

0.5 TYPES OF REQUESTS I WRITE:

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Here is me trying to explain what kind of requests I also take [x]

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---More shows and characters will be added through time

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See under ‘Marvel Universe’.

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