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return-of-a-space-cowboy · 17 days ago

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🧚‍♀️ Anon

I’m not sure about what to suggest for your 1,000 milestone, but I want to say congratulations!!

I’m rewatching Tim Burton Batman Movies and I thought to myself, what about JJBA as a Batman AU? (But maybe different versions of Batman besides Tim Burton to give more flavor and depth)

Jonathan, Joseph and Jotaro are Batman (They all fit as Batman and I honestly couldn’t pick one) and they’re siblings

Jonathan is 28, Joseph is 26 and Jotaro is 24 (He’s in college)

Jonathan - He donates to charity and holds charity balls to help the less fortunate while working with his pal Speedwagon to make the streets better (He’s the eldest and handles the Joestar Family Company)

Joseph - The Playboy of the brothers and flirts with different women, he hangs out with his friend Caesar a detective, he’ll get serious under the mask but will mostly stay behind to keep appearances with the Public

Jotaro - The stoic and serious one of the three and is currently the only one who’s still doing school (He’s the youngest) and is friends with Kakyoin who’s an Art Major at the University they go to

Giorno, Josuke and Jolyne can fit as the Robins and Batgirl (I refuse to see how this wouldn’t work) but they’re mainly young teenagers to kid (Josuke

I’m still working on the Villains’ list but this is what I have so far

Dio/DIO - Joker (But he knows how to stay in the Shadows and hide) and his partner is Pucci who’s his Harley Quinn (I actually keep forgetting Dio is canonically Bisexual 😭)

Kars - Poison Ivy and Ra’s la Ghul (It was the earth that birthed him) and has no problem killing millions, half or all of Humanity for the planet (He also looks very cunty already)

Wammu - Bane (This works because he ‘breaks’ the Bat *Joseph*) but he’s intelligent and not an idiot (I actually rage whenever there’s versions of Bane that are unintelligent) he still has a code of honor in battle or course

Diavolo/Doppio - Two-Face (Doppio being a lawyer does sound interesting to me, but he’s seen as a joke by his fellow lawyers because he’s clumsy and timid, until his accident) Doppio and Diavolo share the same body, with one side of their Face Doppio and the other a disfigured Diavolo (Because Diavolo is the evil one) and now they’re the most dangerous Mobster out there with Passione

Darling is either a Therapist who works at the Asylum for the Criminally Insane (No she will not become Harley Quinn) or a Reporter and Photographer who thinks the Caped Crusaders are Heroes to her City instead of Threats (She’ll work with Caesar as his partner)

There’s more but I’m trying to figure out who fits where and it’s actually very fun for this AU

Ooh batman, I do love the Tim Burton adaptation, his style in my opinion really gives Gotham a stand out feel. Big fan of Tim Burton's older works. Though I do feel his modern works have lost the German impressionist roots that really drew me into his work (can you tell that I did a Tim Burton analysis for a whole semester in art class?)

Darling is a psychologist that works at the asylum and knows all three Joestars. She's very bold and speaks her mind. Both complimenting and criticizing those she speaks to.

Jonathan visits the asylum often as he wants to help reform the justice system and as one of their biggest funders it's his right to know how they are conducting their operations as well as a secret second thing...

He usually offers darling invitations to any galas as she's a huge help to him.

Joesph is a university friend of hers, they both studied criminology. Though it was Joesph's major. He has tried to ask her out but due to his playboy status she is quick to remind him that they maybe close but she doesn't believe he's serious about a relationship. (At most it'd be a secret friend's with benefits relationship)

Jotaro like his brother also chose criminology, though his major is Marine ecology. Occasionally daling comes in to help her former teacher as a guest presenter and perhaps through her was able to get an internship at the asylum.

He probably ends up going through and copying all her work files to share with the other two.

She's at this point the only one equipped enough to deal with the high risk inmates. Of course they all have specialized cells to keep them in.

Dio was adopted into the Joestar family at the age of 12 and was set to be another successful member of the Joestar family before George's death. He was found guilty of murdering him as well as planning to kill Jonathan so he could get his hands on the inheritance. Of course in the asylum he tries to gain the empathy of others with half truths. Doesn't work on darling, it's technically a conflict of interest due to her association with the Joestars but she's the only one who can work with him. She knows the other side of the story. She also knows Jonathan also visits him during his inspections and is trying his best to reason with Dio.

As she puts it

"You were set for success, you had the money, the intellect and the looks but like Icarus you flew to close to the sun"

He likes the challenge darling presents, most would have fallen head over heels for him. He just wants to get in that pretty little head of hers. He's already planned his escape with the asylum priest Pucci, who he's already charmed.

Kars was prolific scientist in the bio engineering field before his DNA was was spliced with an unknown material. He's gone mad, claims he's the apex being and that humans are destroying the natural order.

She doesn't really get anywhere with him at first. But when Wammu and Saitana (who I imagine could be clayface) got incarcerated, darling finds out they're cousins. Kars actually cared for them when they were younger but they became estranged as adults due to their careers. She brings it up and it strikes a cord. Gets him to finally start talking. He realizes that darling is a good person, just very misguided in his eyes. Perhaps he could get her to realize the truth.

Wammu was an athlete, always pushed his body to the limits and so when his body began to fail him he began relying on steroids to keep him competing. Eventually that was not enough and he underwent a experimental treatment that worked a little too well. He needs to be in a mostly metal cell in the basement as he could've easily punched through a brick wall. Even now he seems to only be getting stronger, soon steel won't be enough. The staff decide to sedate him to keep him in check. Even a specialized diet to avoid anymore muscle development.

Despite being sedated he's still awake just not entirely there. Darling does still visit him and talks. She also informs him that Kars is there and relays conversations between the two as it's giving her a lot of insight.

Doppio's life was changed when the priest who adopted him was murdered and home was set on fire. He wanted to become a lawyer to bring justice to those who who ruined the lives of the less fortunate. Little did he know the one who had ruined his was himself.

No one really took him seriously, he seemed way to soft to be in that position. Even though he was the top of his classes at university. He is hopelessly clumsy, dropping documents or tripping over himself. However during one trial he was able to put a major crime lord behind bars and it felt like he was finally getting somewhere... until one of his subordinates caught him and pushed half his face into acid.

That was when he became aware of his other, darker half. Who managed to break out of his binds and kill the perpetrator. He was let go as it was self defense but Doppio was no longer the same, two people now fully aware of one another in a shared body.

After a string of crimes he was brought in and darling was assigned to him.

Doppio is very understanding and soft spoken, and thus darling offers him the same. He knows why and has no objections to being imprisoned.

Diavolo is more cold but is prone to outbursts. Doppio is always his greatest concern and know that he has a crush on their cute psychologist and he promise him he'll get her, he promises.

#yandere jjba #yandere jojo's bizarre adventure #yandere x reader #yandere #🧚‍♀️ anon #yandere diavolo #yandere kars #yandere dio #yandere wammu #yandere doppio #batman au 🦇

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catofadifferentcolor · 9 months ago

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Terrible Fic Idea #85: The Old Guard, but make it Assassin's Creed

My brother has always been a big fan of Assassin's Creed, but I never gave the games a shot until recently, when it seemed a natural progression from all the Crusades research I've been doing for The Old Guard fic I want to write but probably never will. Once I realized Isu bullshit could be a perfect explanation for TOG immortality, this (incredibly self-indulgent) crossover was born.

Or: What if Merrick Pharmaceuticals was a competitor of Abstergo Industries?

Just imagine it:

Pharmaceutical research is an expensive, cut-throat business. Viagra is a $2 billion dollar a year industry. Humira, the blockbuster drug of 2018, sold nearly $20 billion in the US alone. So I imagine if you're a pharmaceutical CEO of limited morals and great ambition, it might seem like a better idea to steal ideas from your competitor who seems to hit it out of the ballpark every time instead of pouring billions of dollars into what may turn out to be an unfruitful venture.

Enter Hugh Merrick, father of Steve Merrick and founder of Merrick Pharmaceuticals. Needing a blockbuster and desperate to get one over on Abstergo, he hires a hacker to slip into Abstergo's servers and find him the ripest, juiciest plum they can sometime in the early 2000s, before the (modern) events of the games or the 2019 TOG movie.

The hacker comes back with the schematics for the Animus.

The idea of genetic memories seems absurd, but Hugh figures that if Abstergo has been using the Animus since the 1980s to get ahead, there's no reason he can't do it too - all he needs is a single Piece of Eden and all his problems are solved.

Hugh builds the Animus and has the hacker go back into Abstergo's systems looking for a candidate to put into it. But finding someone with Assassin blood seems dangerous - they're likely to be an assassin too and could be dangerous if they try to escape, plus the Templars killed off nearly all of them. Templar descendants are out because most are Templars themselves and if Hugh's plan is to succeed he heeds to stay off their radar for as long as possible.

The hacker returns with Abstergo's list of people who may be useful if all other avenues fail. It contains a list of people who were peripherally involved during the invents that interest them - mainly high-ranking courtiers close to Popes Alexander VI and Julius II - and their descendants. They might know things about events of Ezio's time.

Enter Joe and Nicky.

For the past few hundred years, their primary cover identities involve being the children or grandchildren of their previous cover story, all the way back to their first deaths. There are fewer questions and you get to "inherit" all your old stuff.

This method has worked quite well for them - until Merrick learns that their "ancestors" were part of the court of Pope Julius II from 1497 (when he was still Bishop of Ostia) until his death in 1513. Nicky was his private secretary, Joe was a court painter, and contemporary sources suggest they were highly placed enough to know whatever Pope Julius II knew about Ezio's apple. Such as where Ezio might have hidden it.

It's not an unreasonable plan, except for the pesky fact of Joe and Nicky's immortality. After all, the animus is designed to draw on genetic memory, not the subject's own memories. And even if it can be used to view memories laid down in their own genes 500 years ago - which is doubtful, - there's a high likelihood of it killing them - and if Hugh were to learn of their immortality, things would only get worse for them. But they have little choice once they're captured and brought to Hugh's secret research bunker somewhere north of Inverness.

What follows is a largely self-indulgent stroll through the more interesting episodes of Joe and Nicky's life together.

Nicky's first go in the animus is a jumbled, confused mess as Hugh's tech minion learns the ropes as she goes. Nicky ends up hopscotching through his early memories - for instance, a memory where he's learning how to use a sword as a young squire jumps to him using the same move during the Siege of Jerusalem. That strand of memory continues on for a bit until another interaction gets him sent into the memory of another battle/training session/conversation with the person in question and so on.

Joe's first time in the animus goes a little better, as Hugh realizes that his minion needs to learn how to program the animus before they put their most valuable subject into it, and so let's her learn with Joe. Hugh's minion (who is really beginning to regret taking this job) succeeds, pulling Joe into the genetic memory of one of his ancestors: al-Kahina, an Amazigh religious and military leader who led indigenous resistance to the Muslim conquest of the Maghreb. There should be suggestions of a Sword of Eden somewhere in events, but since they don't share Precursor knowledge, Hugh's not interested in letting the memory play out.

Nicky's second session gets them to the time period they want, but his memories have next to nothing to do with the PoE. The same holds true for Joe, when his second session puts him through his POV of that time period. And though Hugh has his minion take them up and down every memory of that time period searching for the smallest hint of anything that might point them in the right direction, there's nothing to find.

Or, rather: Nicky and Joe did meet Ezio once or twice, in waiting rooms or reception areas or the like, but they spent that time talking about art, or the weather, or philosophy - nothing about politics, or Ezio's travels, or PoEs at all.

Otherwise, most of Nicky and Joe's memories of early 16th century Rome involve Joe's rivalry with Michelangelo, who among other things persisted in flirting with Nicky even after he made it clear he wasn't interested. (Joe was, among other things, responsible for getting Michelangelo the commission for David in Florence to get him out of Rome and away from Nicky.)

There's some Vatican politics as well - Nicky's part in organizing the Swiss Guard, Joe's in organizing the Vatican Museums, and the removal of the Borgias from power - and some global politics - the 1503 dispensation for Henry VIII's marriage to Catherine of Aragon, etc. But most of their memories are largely Joe and Nicky being Joe and Nicky in the High Renaissance (and rather hating their jobs, as neither of them particularly like working for Julius II but were blackmailed into it to avoid being labeled as Ottoman spies.)

This goes on for several days until Hugh orders his minion to start looking for the memories of other "ancestors" - essentially, to refine the animus and her technique while he gets his hacker to find better candidates for the animus. And if this accidentally destroys Joe and Nicky's minds in the process? So be it. The plan was always to kill them at the end of their usefulness anyway.

Hugh's minion spends a day doing as asked - there's a few tantalizing glimpses of Joe and Nicky at the court of Kublai Khan in the 1270s - before she has an opportunity to act on the guilty conscious that's come to plague her.

The minion helps them escape - destroying the animus, wiping the records, and blowing the place sky high to cover the bloody swath they have to cut to get out of the secret research bunker. Amongst the casualties is Hugh Merrick, propelling his son Steve into position as youngest CEO in Pharma.

Joe and Nicky rejoin Andy and Booker - who'd been doing their best to cut their own bloody swath through anyone tangentially related to the mercenaries who kidnapped their brothers - and decide to turn their attention to tracking down PoE and destroying animus technology wherever it can be found, believing there are no peaceful uses for either. As a glad you escaped present, Booker tanks Merrick Pharmaceutical's stocks so badly the company never recovers, eventually going bankrupt.

As for the minion? Maybe she's a young Rebecca Crane prior to her recruitment by the Assassins and it’s her experiences with Hugh's animus that get her recruited by the Assassin Order. Maybe she's just a random OC who sets herself up with a new identity halfway around the world and watches gleefully as Merrick Pharmaceuticals and Abstergo Industries both eventually crash and burn.

Bonuses include: 1) Joe and Nicky being the most passive aggressive kidnapees in the history of kidnappings - on the face of things, going along with exactly what Hugh asks of them, but doing their best to focus on innocuous memories and figuring out how to purposefully make memories "skip" between similar episodes without Hugh ever noticing the glitch. Also, playing up the Bleeding Effect so that by day three they're only speaking in Medieval Italian; 2) Hugh being a better class of villain than his son. Immoral? Unethical? Yes, but in a sophisticated businessman way, not a jacket and hoodie, stab a man with a letter opener type way. For some reason I'm imagining him as Jean-Luc Picard, if Picard ever had a Mirror Universe alternate; and 3) Interludes of Andy and Booker searching for Joe and Nicky after they've been kidnapped. This should be part action-thriller along the lines of Taken, part buddy comedy, and involve an arc wherein Andy learns of Booker's deep unhappiness with his immortality and helps him come to terms with the feelings that would have otherwise eventually led to the events of the 2019 movie.

And that is surprisingly more than I thought I would have had. As always, feel free to adopt this bun, just link back if you decide to do anything with it.

More TOG Fic Ideas | More Terrible Fic Ideas

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pwnyta · 2 days ago

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The Old Guard comics are good at adding some extra depth to the characters. Of course im most interested in Joe and Nicky.. but like theres a lot good there.

Like Nicky is pretty scorched-earth and unhinged... Hes pretended to be a wounded confederate soldier to earn the trust of random troops to slaughter them (all the while lamenting he couldnt be with Joe who was obviously back where it was safe to take care of people... due to him being very visibly a target in this time.

sidenote- this was the first it really sunk in about Joe for a while being the only obviously not white member of the group and thus being more of a target on their jobs. Like the Nazi chapter was shown first but I guess I was more distracted by Joes sweet, romantic heart than the implications of a North African man being in Nazi Germany which I guess is dumb...)

Or going around to kill every one tangentially involved(?) with some guy killing some gay kids, in particular the cop who didnt follow up on a lead because it was too cold to bother for 'some fairies'... (This story was super interesting seeing Nicky and Joe kinda fighting about it. Or rather Nickys in the dog house for being kind of unhinged while Joe was sad sitting at a bar with Andy waiting for him to call. (Booker was there like 'My OTP is fighting... ???' its actually pretty funny seeing Booker try to get Nicky to call Joe he even suggests Nicky lie about what theyre doing which Nicky says he'd never lie to Joe which is very cute. Then eventually saying he'd take care of the rest of Nickys list and he should just go back to Joe. )

The Nazi one was interesting too. It shows that Joe can be just as unhinged doling out justice but more so when its like... direct. Joe was mad he was sitting in a club that a Nazi was chilling at and Nicky for once was like... 'Cant we have one night of peace?' but then the Nazi comes over to mock them and says Joe was 'a dog' and THEN Nicky gets pissed.

Nicky especially from that one with the cop feels like he doesnt DO forgiveness... which is a bold position to take for a Templar Knight from the Crusades...

Where as Joe is more... take out the source of evil and thats enough. He doesnt want more death. Might be why he looked so upset killing Keane in the movie.

and these bits or them conflict in their relationship.

#TOG tag.

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fancoloredglasses · 4 months ago

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The Funny Feline Felonies/The Joke's on Catwoman (Roses are red/Violets are blue/If you want your head to hurt/Just read this review)

[All images are owned by DC Comics and 20th Century Fox Disney. Please don’t sue me]

(Thanks to batgirlspain for the inspiration)

In Season 3 of Batman, the producers cut the number of episodes in half (airing once a week instead of twice) as a cost-cutting measure…and ratings suffered as a result. As such, the producers did some crazy ideas, including a surf-off between Batman and the Joker, a three-part story in the UK (in the city of “Londinium”), bringing in Ethel Merman, Milton Berle, and Joan Collins as villains, and recasting Catwoman when Julie Newmar became unavailable.

One thing they also did was do an episode in which 2 of their most popular villains team up (they did do a team-up story in Season 2 with Penguin and the Joker, but Penguin was in more a supporting role, appearing in 2 episodes of the 3-part story) Now, I know these days having 2 (or more) villains teaming up is commonplace in the movies (but seeing as the villains of superhero films don’t survive the film over 75% of the time, that tends to run through the A and B-List villains quickly. How long until we have a Batman film where he goes up against Kite Man and Condiment King?), but this was a novelty in the 60s (hell, having Batman face FOUR villains must have been box office gold! I honestly have no idea, as I can’t find a record of ticket sales for the film)

Anyway, on to the episode! If you would like to watch it, it’s available on Max or behind your favorite paywall.

We open at Gotham State Prison where…

…the Joker is being released on parole for good behavior (but it’s only been 6 episodes since he was last arrested. No wonder Batman has job security!) Joker thanks the warden and Bruce Wayne (who, in addition to being the head of the Wayne Corporation and the Wayne Foundation (not to mention his night job), is the head of the parole board. Does he wash the dishes too?)

Wait, seriously?! Anyway, the Joker leaves the prison and encounters…

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(Thanks to m1thousand1000)

Bruce suggests the warden get his guards after Catwoman while he uses the warden’s phone to Alfred, who plugs him into the Bat-phone as Commissioner Gordon calls “Batman”.

How the hell does Gordon know? No one has had a chance to inform him yet!

Bruce immediately heads back to Gotham City as the opening credits roll.

Batman and Robin arrive at GCPD HQ. Meanwhile across the street at the Sleazy Hotel (I’m hoping that’s the owner’s last name, otherwise they should consider moving to a different part of the city)

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(Thanks to jj lucia-wright)

As the Dynamic Duo cross the street and enter Catwoman’s now-empty room. As they search for clues (they found Joker’s suit he left the prison in and a scrap of paper), who should appear but…

Batgirl touches base with the Caped Crusaders, but since they seem to have hit a dead end, she leaves. Then Robin notices the paper he found earlier has vanished.

Batman admires her ingenuity and figures their paths would cross again and they can compare notes.

Later at Catwoman’s hideout (which has been decked out with Joker’s tastes mixed in), Catwoman briefs Joker on her scheme, which centers around a 200 year-old poem written by a criminal.

Naturally, the stash is hidden somewhere in Gotham City (because of course it is). Once they find the powder, part two is to use it to break into the gold depository and steal the contents (one would think that much gunpowder would level the building, not just blow a hole in it)

Let’s look at that poem, shall we?

Great, limericks. Still, you can’t expect the writers an 18th century thief to come up with Shakespeare.

Catwoman has a line on the crib and nightshirt mentioned. She has also left a clue (namely, a certain scrap of paper, which was part of the parchment) to lure the Terrific Trio into a purr-fect trap.

The next day, Barbara Gordon finds out more about the scrap of parchment. Later, Batgirl sneaks into Commissioner Gordon’s office to use the phone.

Batgirl tells Batman to meet her at the apartment of a gentleman known as Little Louie Groovy (can you tell this was made in the 60s?), a famous record producer.

Later at Louie Groovy’s “pad”…

…there’s a break-in! Louie puts up a valiant…oh hell, he flails his arms and feet pretending to know karate until he winds himself, then is overpowered. Then the goons strip Louie of his nightshirt.

(At least he wears boxers to bed) Fortunately for Louie, the Caped Crusaders show up. Cue the fight music!

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(Thanks to Jacob Dombroski)

Joker throws Catwoman under the Cat-Bus.

(Thanks to Complex)

…I meant the metaphorical one.

Joker spins a bullshit story about being roped into stealing Louie’s nightshirt as a practical joke, and wants to shake the Dynamic Duo’s hands and be on his way so they can deal with the real criminal, Catwoman.

…yeah, I knew this would be a ��joy buzzer” moment.

After that, they will stop breathing!

With that, the Joker and Catwoman take their leave (will Gotham City’s villains NEVER learn?)

Fortunately, just as the villains leave, Batgirl arrives (where was she earlier?)

How is an antidote supposed to help against electrocution? Whatever, it works.

Batgirl catches Batman up about the poem. Batman asks about the crib.

…of course it is. Katz (this theft has a certain feline-themed villain’s pawprints all over it!) is a British clothing designer.

Later, at Katz’s mansion, the villains have come and gone. Actually, they’re waiting outside the mansion to ambush the Terrific Trio.

Normally, you’d have to wait a week (since this is season 3) to see the conclusion. However, I don’t wanna wait that long, so…

As the Terrific Trio leave Karnaby Katz’s mansion…

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(Thanks to jedburgh01)

(Seriously, they NEVER learn!)

Later, back at the Batcave, the Caped Crusaders get a message from Batgirl via Commissioner Gordon (so the GCPD is reduced to Batman’s answering service now?) to meet her on the corner of Cattail Lane and Nine Lives Alley. On the corner is the Grimalkin Novelty Company. What is a Grimalkin, you might ask?

(Wow, how did they figure out that’s likely Catwoman’s hideout? Or, more to the point, why did they not have that intersection staked out the moment it was built?)

And at said novelty company (do they make cat toys?) Catwoman pieces the puzzle of the nightshirt and the crib. The shirt’s pattern is the map, while the crib is the directions (backward and in French; and no one bothered to translate it before now? This is some National Treasure-level shit here)

With the directions (doing the opposite, since the poem said the instructions were lying) in hand, Our Villains are off!

Meanwhile, the Dynamic Duo meet Batgirl at the novelty company.

Batman has programmed the Bat-Sonar to track Catwoman’s car (you’d think they could ask the GCPD to watch out for it and let them know…or maybe even put a radio transmitter on the car, but nooooooooo, they have to give a Bat-shit reason they can do this!)

With that, the Terrific Trio all pile into the Batmobile and off they go!

The map leads Our Villains to a lighthouse, where they confront the lighthouse keeper and his wife (named Mr. and Mrs. Keeper, naturally; they even refer to each other that way!)

The henchgoons capture Mr. and Mrs. Keeper, which is probable cause enough for the Terrific Trio (lurking outside) to burst onto the scene. The villains move to flee, but the Joker accidentally twists the knob on the lighthouse’s banister and…

…opens the secret passage containing the gunpowder (you mean Mrs. Keeper didn’t move that knob once while she was doing her hourly cleaning of the lighthouse? Hey, don’t look at me that way! Mrs. Keeper is constantly complained that there's nothing to do in the lighthouse BUT clean!)

The Joker lights a match for a better look, but Batman bats it out of his hand, accidentally knocking it into the room! The resulting explosion destroys the lighthouse…but doesn’t blow up the room everyone is in? It turns out the Bat-shit explanation is that Batman coated the room using a canister of…

And here I thought the Shark-Repellant Bat Spray was bad!

As Batman goes to arrest Joker and Catwoman…

…Catwoman lawyers up. I mean, unless they confess they should get a trial. Catwoman then makes a call to criminal attorney “Lucky Pierre,” who has never lost a case (if that’s the case (no pun intended), why don’t all of Gotham City’s villains have him on retainer?)

Later, the trial is in full swing, with Batman as the lead prosecutor (is there nothing he can’t do? I guess since this version of Gotham City doesn’t have Harvey Dent…)

Batman examines every individual affected in this case: Little Louie Groovy, Karnaby Katz, and Mr. and Mrs. Keeper. In each case, Lucky Pierre declines cross examination. The Joker is beside himself, but Catwoman tells him to stay calm. With Batman’s case laid out, it’s time for Lucky Pierre to take the floor, but Lucky Pierre declines.

As Batman gives his summation (and Lucky Pierre declines to do so), the judge sends the jury away to deliberate, but the foreman announces the verdict immediately:

The judge reads the jury the riot act.

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(Thanks to Jacob Dombroski)

At least the fight got a ZOWIE!

This being season 3, the final scene reveals next week’s villain:

Louie the Lilac (played by legendary comedian Milton Berle)

But that’s the subject of another episode (and, perhaps in the future, another review)

#dc comics #batman #batgirl #the joker #catwoman #adam west #yvonne craig #burt ward #caesar romero #eartha kitt #fan colored glasses

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popculturebuffet · 7 months ago

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Batmarch Finale: Batman (1989) Review: At Long Last Joker Dancing on Parade Float

Hello all you happy batpeople and it's time for the finale of Batmarch! It's been a fun ride that really made me love the character again and it ends here with something i've been wanting to do since the start of this blog: IT's time to talk about Tim Burton's Batman, the 1989 classic blockbuster that created the first superhero movie boom, solidified the caped crusader as a dark brooding vigilante in the public eye, and gave us not one but two iconic scenes of joker dancing to prince music that live rent free in my head forevermore.

Batman took almost a decade to get going, with Producer Micheal Uslan, a comic book historian who taught a succesful course on comics as literature, wanting to take batman back to his earlier days as a mysterious figure of darkness. His timing was great as by the late 70's when he started his crusade for the caped crusader, Batman had been on a course back to those very roots thanks to the works of Neil Adams and Denny O'Neil. Comic fans ate up a darker batman and Batman returned to being a creature of the night.

The problem was for most audiences.. he was a creature of camp. While I adore the Adam West Batman, i'm honestly shocked i've only covered ONE episode of that gloriously goofy series, it left a mark on the character, with everyone assuming "Well that's what batman is". It's a common trait in comic book adaptations: TV and Movies reach a wide audience. It's why most people think Scott Summers is a plank of wood instead of a tatctical genius with a lot of baggage.

Thus studios either flat out rejected them or wanted a comedy in the vein of the adam wast show. Or rejected it for reasons like "It would be called Batman and Robin and we just had a film with robin in the name tha tbombed" or "It and Annie are both "from the funnie" pages and Annie just bombed (yet did INCREDIBLY well on home video)"

Thankfully the film got rescued as, with John "Giant Mechanical Spider Peters" getting on board, he suggested they do what they did with superman: promote the hell out of the film and the script they had and hope someone buys into the hype. Sure enough it worked as Warner Bros picked up the film and to my suprise they already owned DC Comics, the rights simply got sold off for the reasons film rights to properties often do

So Warner was eager to get the property back in house and profit off it.

With that it was time for a full script by Tom Mankiewicz who based it largely on Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers short but memorable run on Detective Comics I wasn't aware of till doing research for this review, but now happily own. Rogers was even brought on to do concept art. The script went through NINE revisions according to wikipedia, but all were based largely on tom's original. Directing wise Joe Dante and Wes Craven were both considered and i'd loved to see what their version of the film would've been like. Ivan Reitman also was, but wanted a comedy starring billl murray with the studio eyeing eddie murphy for robin.

Thankfully the success of Pee Wee's Big Adventure lead Warner Bros to go with their new golden boy, who was just coming off production of another soon to be hit, Beetlejuice, Tim Burton, pictured here looking like Batman's goth best friend he takes in the batmobile to get him out of the house.

I'd pay so much to see that version of this movie.

Burton wasn't a comic fan , but upon getting the project was a fan of recent hits The Dark Knight Returns and The Killing Joke, and was fascinated with what batman could be. Meanwhile Warner brought in Englehart himself to make a draft. Burton then brought in Sam Hamm, a rookie screenwriter and HUGE fan of the character who quickly proved to be the perfect fit, tightening up the screenplay: he removed Robin (something no one was sad about as he was a studio mandate), replaced Silver St Cloud (Bruce's love intrest during the Englehart Run) and Rupert Throne with Vicki Vale and Carl Grissom and the script was set.

So casting began. After a number of more traditional leads were considered, Burton went with Micheal Keaton at the suggestion of Peters, who felt Keaton has the tortured quality batman needed. It was a great call as he fit both sides: he was stoic and comanding as batman, but as bruce was perfectly absentminded, as if he was far away, yet still charastmatic and likeable. It was a good contrast and also made it easy to see why no one suspect this guy was batman.

Unfortuantely the fans.. were not pleased. Yes even then peopl ewere liable to throw hands over casting decisions before seeing them proper. I've not been imune to this: I liked Ben Affleck but wasn't sure he fit batman, only to be proven wrong when he was easily one of the saving graces of Batman V Superman and it's regretful he couldn't be batman in a better movie.

Fans worried that Keaton , who up to this point had mostly been in comedies, meant the film would be camp like the tv series and film again, to the point this MADE HEADLINES. The studio even breifly considered reasting, but burton held firm.

If your curious other actors considered were Pierce Brosnan (who had no intrest in doing a comic book movie), Mel Gibson (dodged a bullet there), Kevin Costner, Charlie Sheen (Another bullet dodged, too much tiger blood to be a bat man), Tom Selleck, Harrison Ford and Dennis Quaid. None of these really.. feel right, and it's burton's first choice before realizing Keaton was it , the green goblin himself Willam Dafoe, that woul'dve worked with what he was going for. None of these actors are bad, even sheen and gibson are good actors just..awful human beings, they just don't fit the part. Sheen in paticular feels like the worst timeline and I pity the earth that got saddled with frat bro batman.

Naturally every hero needs a good villian and while another row of talent was considered, the studio and Peters heavily pushed for Jack Nicholson over other competiors such as Brad Douriff, Tim Curry, and David Bowie, all versions of this film i'd LOVE to see in some other timeline. That said Nichelson was the perfect choice.

How they finally nailed him down is my faviorite story I found from the documentary: So Nicholson was open to it, liking the part but to lock it down wanted them to meet him for horseback riding. Burton , nature's perfect indoor kid, was naturally deeply uncomfortable on a horse and i'd pay good money to get the picture they claimed existed of Tim Burton on a horse with Jack Nicholson. I find it fascinating in of itself that Jack Nicholson rides horses and has a deep love of horses. That's a thing that fits, but just never occured to me. The most uncomfortbale horse ride ever netted him the part and Nicholson trusted burton completely on set and spoke highly of him in the documentary.

The final main cast addition came due to , of all the possile reasons, a horse riding accident. No it wasn't tim burton himself, but Sean Young, who'd been cast as Bruce's reporter love intrest Vicky Vale and had to bow out, replaced by Kim Bassinger.

Rounding out the cast we have Robert Whul as local reporter and only one digging into this batman case Knox, Cool School owner and operator Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent, Pat Hingle as Comissioner Gordon, acting legend Jack Palance as crime boss and the joker's boss Carl Grissom, and Tracey Walter as Joker's NUMBER. ONE. GUY. Bob.

Promotion for the film was something unique. Nowadays we're used to big, omnipresent ad blitzes with our blockbusters, a huge swath of adds to let you know THIS FILM'S A COMIN. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THIS FILM. I DON'T CARE IF YOUR AMBVILENT ABOUT ARTHUR AND THE KING YOU WILL GET 20 ADDS FOR IT JACOB. THE HYPE MACHINE HATH SPOKEN.

To start Jon Peters helped cut a teaser trailer, wanting to get SOMETHING out to show that no, this wasn't going to be like the Adam West show stop calling me about it dennis. The trailer was only a minute and a half, had no music behind it, something I only found out, and is clearly just whatever clips they had that were ready. You can find it here. It's throughly intresting.

It also.. works. While it's only a short teaser, it gets across what this film is, shows both joker and batman enough to get hyped, all while not spoiling the film. Granted they probably didn't have enough footage yet TO do that but still, it's a well done teaser with only one or two bits feeling like their just.. thrown in there and given the time crunch to get this in front of a teast audence, I can salute that it's still works.

And it worked MASSIVELY. People bought tickets JUST to see this teaser, bootlegs of it sold like hot cakes. It was meant to get people hyped up for what this film actually was.. and it DID, erasing doubts Keaton wasn't batman and showing people just what they were getting.

Warner then went all in promoting the hell out of this film, to the point Marvel's she hulk did a parody of this where a new super heroine does a simliar add blitz: There was cereal, tiger games, merchandising of all kinds. It was a huge gamble as if the film failed to live up to the hype... it'd be a joke NOTHING could live down, would sink the careers of everyone involved from production on down, and possibly destroy warner.

Naturally though.. it didn't. The gamble paid off. It's almost like if you actually RELEASE a film and have faith in the creators, you'll make money. The film was a massive success leading to three more films in this series and a mind boggling 11 theatrical and 60+ total films JUST starring the batman. That's not getting into team movies.

So join me under the cut as we see if , after 35 years of excellence, this film still lives up to the hype in a genre now packed with classics.

Bat Class and Bat Style:

Starting out with the style of the film, it can't be overstated the sheer impact this film had on Gotham city as a place. Before this it was mostly a standard city, just more of a crime hole than most. It was weird reading some of that very Steve Englehart run I mentioned and seeing Gotham. .as a pretty standard metropolis, if not obviously THE metropolis.

Batman is where , to my shock, Gotham was first portrayed as this art deco 40's style hellscape, a city of old buildings with the crime built into it's very foundations: a city of frequent nights, heavy shadows and plenty of places for an up and coming here ot perch and brood. It's an atmosphere that almost feels consuming: you can't escape gotham and it won't let you. It's a monster as much of a city. Batman the Animated series would build on this, making this what gotham was: a city with it's dark history seeped into it's stone that feels massive and endless, like no matter how much batman does the city is almost too big for him to ever fully save.

The rest of the style is after the 40's, a nice nod to batman premiering JUST before they started in 1939. We have large flashes on the cameras, reporters in suits the like.

I also realized this wasn't just a cool style choice, it's a thematic one: Most of Gotham wears these types of clothes, fitting with how Gotham is: a city with a long proud history.. but one it finds itself stuck in. A lot of those men in suits are either helpless goverment types who WANT to make things better but can only do so much like Gordon or Dent, or outright corrupt men like the various mob bosses who control it from the shadow. Even Knox , who tries to go for the scoop, is stuck in the old behaviors of sexisim, hitting on his photographer and creative partner vicki a lot nad being a possesive dick about her romance when it's none of his damn buinsess.

The people who may actually change this city are the ones who come off more with the time: Bruce most of the time wears looser suits or , in one scene casual clothes. The one time he dosen't is to fit in at his own party, to blend in so well Knox and Vale don't even notice he was behind them for a whole scene. When he's himself he's awkward, but also kind and charming. When he's his truest self batman he's calm, intmidating and of course dressed in a lot of rubber. He dosen't fit with Gotham.. but by doing so he can change it for the better.

Vicki is diffrent, fitting in a bit better but her hair and styles tend more toward practical, often wearing her glasses which look neat. Wish I had a pair like that. She brushes off Knox's comments, dosen't want anyone taking ownership of her and rightly calls bruce out for ghosting her (Granted he's also right ot try and get her to stop for one minute so he can tell her she's batman). She's trying to change it more by simply finding the batman, but it's still someone diffrent.

Finally we have the Joker, who stylistically dosen't deviate greately as jack.. but once he becomes something else, he changes. he wears the suit sure... but it's a bright purple with a giant boutiner. He wears makeup, but it's barely covering and by the time of the art heist there more for a joke than actual cover. His attempts to fit in are really more a joke than an actual attempt. Napier never really fit in... he simply stopped putting on the pretense once he became the joker.

Joker's moderness also comes through in othe rways; his biggest scheme heavily involves the rise of cosmetics and the television, using his then modern Smilex adds to stow paranoia. He vandalizes classic art for funsies to a dope prince song. And for his final masterstroke he captalizes on the greedhead nature of the 80's: he correctly figures if you throw enough money at people they'll forgive anything, and throws a ton of money into the crowd in the film's best scene, capering and hamming it up as he prepares to kill them all by luring them into one place. It's telling that the only two places in the film itself Prince's songs show up are with the Joker, who embodies the excess of the 80's while still having his classic 40's born design.

And since we're talking about him...

The Devil in the Pale Moon Light

Nicholson's joker is fantastic. I wasn't big on him for a long time.. but I realized on rewatch it wasn't the performance. Nicholson fucking nails it, having that manic energy hid with a genial calm that makes a good joker to me, that sort of charisma where you geninely can't tell if you'll end the scene as his NUMBER. ONE. GUY. or with a bullet in the belly. He's hammy as hell when he wants to be, deathly calm when he wants to be, and the only one who truly understands himself always.

Nicholson's joker strikes me as a mad Performanceartist, an interpretation I like: his jokes are carefully crafted pieces always done for a terrified audience of some kind. Only one of his kills or crimes post putting a smile on that face dosen't have an audience, Grissom, and he STILL puts on a show for him, shooting him to opera music while giggling like a mad man. Every other crime is a big show, which isn't inconsitant for joker. Every joker has theater kid tendencies, this joker is just the one who has the most thespian energy.

His schemes are also fantastic, props to Burton and the writers: their the right mix of operartic performance art and ghastly crime. From defacing a museum for the attention, to the utterly brillaint smilex ad which parodies the hell out of 80's ad trends and is one of the best joker scenes in media, perfectly capturing his sort of scheme, this versions love of a good performance, and the time it was in. The poor editing and his "Chances are you already own some" and the laugh after.. it's genius. Every piece is great. I also love the pen stabbing which I didn't really pay much attention to before but the mimes, the awesome as hell outfit, the "Uncle bingo" line.. it's so damn fun and the mundanety of the stabbing, feather quill or not makes it a shocker

The two best though are the ones embeded on my mind from childhood to present day: THe art scene is awesome and I love the way he says lawrence, with him just getting into general dicking around shenanigans because it's fun, saving a picture because it's horrifying. I also love his dickish "date" with vicky where he just calls all her glamour photo's crap. You can tell Jack Nicholson is loving EVERY second of this. Granted who wouldn't love grooving to Party Man, which is a truly awesome song. Prince didn't half ass it for this album and while his inclusion is a clear studio mandate Tim Burton didn't seem enthused about in the documentary, Burton still made it work perfectly. It's really hard to not make prince work granted, but it's still flawlessly used.

My faviorite scene of the film though... is Trust aka "Jack nicholson fucking destroys while riding on a blimp" Those hand moves, his expressions, bob and lawrence's grins as they throw money, the banger that is Trust behind him. While Partyman is good and really fits Joker, Trust is a fun banger jam that fits the party atmosphere of Joker's final gambit. The sight of joker throwing money everywhere while mugging is just.. peak joker and one of the best moments of the character and in superhero cinema period.

While Nicholson's joker is mostly celebrated there are two big points of contention, two elephants in the room to tackle.

The first is the fact we get Joker's name at all, that we know anything about him before he became joker as a huge part of his mystique is being this mysterious murder clown who just.. fell in a vat one day and that's all we know before he started chasing batman.

I prefer his past to be a mystery, it adds to the charm and the terror of this guy... but on this watch I felt the Jack Napier version still really works. Nichson does a good job making both Jack and Joker feel like two very diffrent people: Jack was a fairly unambitious hood who WANTED to run everything, but had no real plans for it, content to screw the bosses mistress and be done with it. It's easy to buy into corrupt cop Eckhart's view Jack has no future.. because he didn't. The second Grissom found out what he was doing, he set Jack up to die. Jack ONLY escapes ace chemicals alive due to pure luck: Gordon got informed in time to take over and stop a potetial execution and Bob turned out to be the best guy ever and held said Gordon hostage to get batman to let Jack go. And even then Jack's own impulsiveness nearly killed him, falling into the vat. He's ONLY alive because of sheer luck and knowing a good back alley doctor using tools he got from a dentist who mysteriously died a few decades back.

Jack is an impulsive trainwreck.. the joker.. is Jack with all his inhibitions stripped.. and tha'ts why knowing Jack works. Jack was a pretty common hood: even the Wayne murder, we'll get to that shortly, was just buisness as usual. Jack had ambitious DREAMS, but seemed content to just wait for Grissom to die naturally then take his empire.

Joker by contrast is a mad artist: he sees gotham as his canvas, a toy to play with. He has all of jack's greed and drive, but none of his hesitance to act on it. He's impulsive but unlike jack, he thinks out his impulsive plans. He wants vicky kidnapped, but has his minons bring her, has a bunch of stuff ready and has a whole music video ready after. He barges in on her apartment but brings goons just in case. He's still impulsive enough to be the joker: He dosen't have a plan b for the parade, the pen stabbing comes off as "wouldn't this be neat let's do that", but it's still more than jack ever thought. Jack is truly gone: vestiges of him remain in his new self, he makes sure Grissom dies and wants to control gotham.. but he's now got the higher calling of mayhem: ruling gotham isn't because it's there.. it's because it's FUN. It works because it shows just how FAR joker can go, going from a midly high level enforcer, to a mad god whose only stopped by batman yanking hard enough. Jack works because, ala killing joke, it shows a mostly normal person becoming something far worse. The Joker has an origin and it informs him a bit.. but who jack was is gone by the joker and it's fascinating watching hwat he became.

So that brings us to the OTHER big change: Jack Napier killed Batman's parents. Now this one I agree was a bad idea: the tragedy of the wayne murders. .is that it was just some guy. Some random hood, sometimes named joe hill, shot two innocent people and doing so broke a child and created a bat. It being his future arch enemy feels contrived. Like IT HAD to be someone important because it was his destiny to be a vengeful orphan man! It can't have been just some guy it had to be a number one guy yes yes. It misses the point entirely and it just feels dumb and that reveal clouded my judgement. Jack on his own isn't bad but making him batman's parent's killer is just.. too much. That part sucks but everything ELSE about Uncle Bingo rules and one bad decision, that writer Sam Hamm swears wasn't his idea and came after it was in Burton's hands so blame accordingly, shoudln't negate such a fine performance.

Let's Get Nuts

Speaking of fine performances, let's talk about the Batman of the hour himself. While I went Joker first, Keaton's batman is awesome and has gotten it's due praise over the last few years.

Ironically a lot of what fans hated about him, his everyman looks and not being "muscular" are what make this bruce work. Much like Robert Pattinson's brilliant turn after, this is a Bruce who doesn't really socialize. Unlike Pattinsons he does put in the bare minimum, throwing parties and such... but it's clear while bruce is a known philanthropist, he's not really a big name figure in gotham beyond that. He's an inconspcious guy, so much that Vicky and Knox dont' even notice him or realize it is him. And that suits what he does great: he's so nondescript that once people start looking for batman they won't look there.

Not tha this secret identity being in danger is a big issue at first: Batman's experinced here, but also early enough he's just a myth: Only Knox thinks he's real and even he has no idea what this guy looks like. The criminals know, but both bruce and batman are unknowns at first and prefer it this way.

Bruce is a kind, gentle, down to earth guy: he quickly wins Vicki Vale over.. simply by showing an intrest in her work. It's subtly contrasted with the other two men in her life: Knox first notices her legs, hits on her mildly agresively and is a possesive tool, while Joker outright claims her and tries to kill bruce for stepping on his territory. Bruce wins Vicky over.. because he sees her as a PERSON and not boobs or a prize to be one. Basinger and Keaton have really great chemistry and while the two don't get a ton of scenes together, you see why Bruce takes to her so quickly.. and why he pushe sher away. His war on crime is ALL he has, and he dosen't want her getting caught in it, ironically taking away the agency that brought him to her. It's only when he realizes HOW much she means that he tries to open up. Then a clown shoots him but you know , thems the breka. It's telling when Alfred, to finally break this will they or won't they stalemate, brings her down he's not the least bit mad and is honest with Vicki and continues seeing her.. until she didn't come back for the sequel but that's a review for another day. A christmas day.

I bring up the relatoinship because it's what defines bruce, and while romances can be rushed in these movies.. this one works and fleshes bruce out. It creates a nice divide between the man he thinks he should be, the creatue of the night who scares a cowardly and superstitious lot, who dosen't flinch in any situation and is always calm.. with the all too human bruce who simply dosen't want to be alone. Well he has alfred but he can't rely on his dad forever.

As batman.. there isn't a ton to talk about as he's mostly stoic and badass. Keaton does a really good job of that.. but there's not a ton of expression other than "scowling and it's only in his final confrontation with the joker, his parents murderer he really emotes with pure unyielding rage. It's not bad.

There is one aspect that needs to be talked about though: This batman.. kills. It's a divisive idea as by this point batman's no killing rule was in place... but it's one I get Burton not using. He and those around him based this film on the earliest works, and in those.. Batman had no issue killing if he had to.

It works for me largely because Batman isn't wontonly killing: he uses the machine guns primarily to clear the way and presumibly, like the dark knight returns which is where Burton probably got the machine gun, their likely rubber bullets. The only person he truly tries to kill repeadetly is Jack. Not at the plant, as while it's said he drops him .. it really dosen't come off that way. It's left ambigious if batman did it on purpose or simply COULDN'T hold onto jack much longer. The only person Batman truly wants dead.. is the man who created him. Any other kills are mostly just life or death struggles. I prefer batman not to kill... but one who does so judciously still fits the character.

Finally before we move on we have the way his origin's done: While I said I didn't like the jack part the film tries to treat this as some big mystery.. with the problem being even in a post adam west pre burton world.. most people probably knew batman's parents were dead. It works to a point, but out of all the things in the film.. it feels like padding. We know why he's doing this, we're just waiting for Vicky to catch up and i'd be fine with that but ther'es juts.. nothing really added. She finds out his parents died. A matter of public record he didn't really bury. The only shocking reveal she finds is who killed his parents, which while a decen tswerve, couldv'e been hidden until the reveal. It just.. pads the film slightly, but not so much it obstructs it

The People of Gotham

Now for our side cast. Starting with our third lead we have Vicky Vale, she of the 80's hair, neat glasses and inconstient spelling in this review. Kim Bassinger does a great job with the character and they do TRY to flesh her out: she's been both a war reporter and a fashion photographer, is great at her career and while enamored with Bruce only takes his shit so far.

That being said while I do LIKE Vicky, it's largely down to the performance: Bassinger is a talented actress and i'd like to see her in more films. I mean i've only seen her in this, Wayne's World 2 and bits of Cool World. She did fine in all three, it's just clear she has talent and I hope to see her make a comeback if she wants. She makes a character given just enough sparkle.

That being said... plot wise.. Vicky's just there for exposition and as an object. They give her some depth, being a former war photographer, but the film's unintrested in exploring her as a person, instead having her explore bruce.

And get put in danger three diffrent times. I mean she only gets kidnapped once but it feels like she's mostly there to get scared or romance bruce. The romance plot IS important as it fleshes Bruce out as a person... but it's telling it's mostly to flesh HIM out. Vicky and him have chemistry.. but again that's because her actress is that good. I can kinda see why she didn't want to return for the sequel, and feel bad that her replacement of sorts got way more with her character. Vicky.. deserved better.

Onto Alexander Knox, who is probably confusing those of you who haven't seen the film. Knox is a reporter and is intended as mild comic relief at times. In practice he's aged like fine cheese on a sidewalk covered in radioactive ants and pudding. His first words upon seeing Vicky "Hello Legs"

He then offers to do nudes and in general just.. tends to hit on her often, while she clearly just wants to work with him and is only putting up with her bullshit because she's so clearly used to sexist bullshit and come ons at this point. I DO think some of this is intetional as there's a contrast in how he greets her and how Bruce greets her: Knox recognizes her work, but is mostly interested in

While Bruce you know.. sees her as a person. That said Knox.. is also creepily posessive, telling her not to go out with bruce, not getting what she sees in him, and clearly being jealous. He's just kinda there to set up that batman's been a thing and is mostly seen as a myth then ceases to be relevant but sticks around the film anyway. He does go after some guys with a baseball bat but it's too little too late.

Finally out of our heroes side, we have Alfred. Micheal Gogh dosen't get a ton to do, but really owns the roll, giving you the impression of a man who simply dosen't want to see his surrogate son spend his whole life in a cave. he says as much outright but you can see just how HAPPY he is that Bruce has Vicky and how much he dosen't want him to loose her. He dosen't get to do much.. but his one big action was a source of contention for Sam Hamm, as it was added after. Alfred takes Vicky to the batcave. In Hamm's words "That would be his last day of employment"

Alfred... is Bruce's dad. Not biologically, that we know of, but he raised Bruce. Even by this point in the comics it was clear Alfred was just as much a faithful retainer as he was Bruce's dad. Bruce would get mad about something like this.. but he'd never fire Alfred as a snap judgement, especially when Bruce WAS GOING TO TELL VICKY ANYWAY. Alfred likely knew this. All Alfred did was eliminate a step. It wasn't like Alfred invited his acapella group, the Alfredpellas, down there.

We then have Alicia. Alicia dosen't get much to do as this script REALLY wasn't intrested in women but is intresting. My friend Jess the Vampire pointed out when we watched this she's kind of a proto harley quinn: someone deeply intrested in the Joker despite how he abuses her. At first it's fairly equal: Jack gives her attention Grissom isn't and him becoming joker shocks her but isn't bad. Then he horribly scars her as an art piece, and abandons her for Vicky and the sheer trauma causes her to throw herself off a building. It's a tragic story as she didn't relaly do anything wrong, she just had bad taste in men: first Grissom then Jack then Joker. It's not as layered as poor harley, but it's a good first draft and adds to what a monster Joker is. He just makes her into his horrifying art then throws her away when he's done.

Finally out of the major characters we have Bob. Bob is a quiet MVP in this film, Jack's best friend and #2 and Joker's Number. One. Guy.

What I hadn't noticed before is even pre joker.. Bob is LOYAL to Jack. He gets Eckhart not to shoot jack, and most importantly saves Jack from Batman at Ace Chemicals, holding Gordon hostage. From the go he's invauable to his bestie, helping make up for Jack's impulsivness. And while Jack just kinda shrugs, as he tends to, Joker recognizes this. He instantly makes Bob his NUMBER. ONE. GUY. and unlike grissom, who only said it in jest and as a veiled threat, Joker really seems to mean it. He has Bob stalk vicky for him, lure her to the musuem, all creepy shit sure but all stuff Joker needs vitally done and trusts Bob to do without any ulterior motive. And he does. Bob's also just fun: he capers a lot during partyman and is one of the best parts of Trust, his expression as he's throwing money gives me life. It also makes his death tragic. Bob was not a good guy, again he stalked a woman because he was told to.. but he was loyal and friendly.. and joker kills him simply because he got pissed off. His death is, fitting the joker, hilarious, just the casual way he asks for a gunt hen shoots bob with it, but it's a sad end to a NUMBER. ONE. GUY.

The rest of the side cast.. is pretty one note. Gordon is just the police chief, something that carries over to most other versions we've seen on film, Dark Knight being the exception. He has a great moment at ace chemicals but does fuck all the rest of the film except light up the bat signal. Harvey Dent is there to set up a future role that never comes for Billy Dee Williams. Grissom is memorable thanks to Jack Palance's delivery of "NUMBER. ONE. GUY. ", but otherwise is just a standard gangster man. The rest of the cast is mostly there to do plot and they do do it well but don't do much else.

Conclusion: And with that Bat March comes to a belated end. I enjoyed this review as it made me take a close look at a film I loved... and ended up loving it MORE. Batman has rough edges, some due to age some due to simply being one of the earlier comic book movies, but it' sstill damn good even today. It's a classic, a fun ride with banger performances, a lot of detail and deft direction from Burton. If you haven't watched it in a while, please do. If you have.. well do anyway it's that good.

Thanks for reading and thanks for enjoying batmarch

#batman 89 #batman #michael keaton #jack nicholson #tim burton #kim basinger #alfred pennyworth #the joker #vicky vale #comics #warner bros

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dreaming-marchling · 8 months ago

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I'm reading through a bunch of your #my Writing tagged items, and I saw the AU idea you have with Brian being like 8 or 9 when he comes to the Torettos. and my first though was, him losing Teresa to cancer, losing a second mother would be devastating. but then I had the thought--Teresa, doing her very best to get Brian into an emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy space, decides the the Whole Family is going to be modeling Healthy Behaviors - including regular dentist appointments (Mia really hates that she ends up in braces because of her Mom's new crusade!), physicals every year, Mr Toretto (I don't recall his first name?) is pushed into going to that colonoscopy he's been putting off, and Teresa finally goes in for that mammogram. There's nothing on the screening, but her doctor is worried about her family history of breast cancer so suggests this new gene test that can detect a mutation that is known to cause breast cancer (did you know the BRCA1/BRCA2 gene testing is like 25 years old now?) and she tests positive. Early intervention saves her life, all because she was trying to show her most fragile child responsible, healthy behaviors.

(no idea if it was breast cancer for Teresa...)

I am absolutely living for these thoughts! I've had similar myself, that they all have to model being okay with doctors for this terrified child who won't talk but still looks at them with big worried eyes whenever the topic comes up. All those follow up appointments for Brian clashing with deep mistrust but also a huge need to hide the truth about his injuries both to keep doctors off Earl's back and also because if Adults know he's hurt then they'll know he's slower or that he'd have a harder time getting away.

Dom's father (I gave him Anthony/Tony for a name) not being a dick to nurses, sitting there patiently and not getting angry at being poked.

Dom's parents listening very carefully to what the doctor's say for Brian's recovery and then actually following those things.

Dom and Mia not hiding things away, just open with the doctors and with their parents being in the room.

And, maybe especially, Teresa trusting doctors too. After Kelly hid and taught Brian to hide, after she rejected any help, having this woman who does all the mom things that he recognizes from Kelly or Mrs. Pearce or even movies very easily say she's going to her doctor's appointment like it's not a big deal? That's very Different. That's very big.

And then they catch something before it could kill her and boom, life becomes very very different and Brian doesn't have to lose two mothers.

THE FEELS!! I prioritize the AUs the least of all my MiT writing but damn do they call to me :)

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

#My Writing #Marked in Trust

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steelbluehome · 6 months ago

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"Stan eases into the role, suggesting the young Trump without venturing into an SNL-like impersonation. He captures him precisely and believably throughout"

The Deadline Report

‘The Apprentice’ Review: Sebastian Stan And Jeremy Strong Soar As Young Donald Trump And His Ruthless Mentor Roy Cohn In Devilish Origin Story – Cannes Film Festival (click for article)

Pete Hammond

May 20, 2024 10:00AM PDT

But the political Trump is not in Iranian-Danish director Ali Abbasi‘s compelling film, which instead zeroes in on a specific period of Trump’s life in the early ’70s when he was in his 20s and struggling to make a name for himself in the world of real estate in New York City. But it isn’t just about him — it is equally focused on his unique relationship with his lawyer, the notorious Roy Cohn, often referred to as vicious, cruel, ruthless and sadistic, a take-no-prisoners cutthroat attorney who would win at any cost. The filmmakers have cited movies like Midnight Cowboy, Frankenstein and Barry Lyndon as partial inspirations for their approach, the latter about an 18th century social climber who stands for nothing himself.

Don’t be confused about the title The Apprentice. This is not a movie version of the NBC reality TV series in any way, but instead a smart, sharp and surprising origin story of the man who hosted it. In this case the actual “apprentice” is Donald Trump, infamous real estate developer, former President of the United States and current presumed GOP nominee for 2024.

Trump and Cohn would become an odd couple, helping each other achieve their end goals at the time. That is the story of The Apprentice, which had its world premiere in competition at the Cannes Film Festival on Monday and still has its U.S. distribution rights for sale.

Will it sell, and will it be released before November’s election? We shall see, but this is not a hit job on Trump, and actually considering the 77-year-old we see today at MAGA rallies and dozing off in courtrooms defending his indictments on various charges including starting an insurrection to overturn the 2020 election. Instead, it presents a person somewhat driven but awkward, a man striving for the approval of a tough-love father, unsure but determined to succeed and even oddly charming at times. Yes, I said that. Cohn, responsible for helping Sen. Joseph McCarthy’s reprehensible anti-communist crusade in the ’50s as well as putting away convicted spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, was the man pulling the strings — until he wasn’t. Think of it as a twisted Pygmalion with Cohn tutoring and training Trump the way Henry Higgins did with Eliza Dolittle.

“Where’s my Roy Cohn?” Trump once uttered after a tirade about a current lawyer he was unhappy with. Cohn (Jeremy Strong) was his first fixer, and basically adopted the uneasy Trump (Sebastian Stan) upon spotting him looking nervous and alone in the exclusive NYC club Trump weaseled himself into. He took him under his wing and drilled into him the three golden rules he lived by, which considering the Trump of today are prophetic to say the least. Rule 1: Attack. Attack. Attack. Rule 2: Admit nothing. Deny everything. Rule 3: Always claim victory and never admit defeat.

The latter was the one Cohn emphasized above all as the most important thing to remember. He also told Trump no one likes a loser. “Everyone wants to suck a winner’s cock,” he tells Trump, who convinced his cold-hearted father Fred Trump (Martin Donovan) that they needed a lawyer like Cohn to take on a case the DOJ had launched over their housing developments (after being indicted for discriminating against Black tenants). In his own inimitable way he got the government to settle with no fines, thus endearing him to Donald. “You have to be willing to do anything to anyone in order to win,” Cohn says.

The lawyer even dresses his mentee, who was born in Queens; not exactly the right breeding ground. “Is this gonna be a guy from Flushing or 5th Avenue?” he asks, getting an affirmative on the latter. He then puts him on the phone with a New York Times society columnist, and the result is a puff piece comparing his looks to Robert Redford and marking him as an up-and-comer. One of the key Cohn lessons is always chase the press, be in the newspapers every day.

Trump started moving up the ladder, with Cohn bringing him to a party with Rupert Murdoch, George Steinbrenner and others, cheekily (and now ironically in hindsight) telling him, “If you’re indicted, you’re invited.” Cohn himself had been in major legal hot water for tax evasion and also handled shady underworld characters, but he knew how to help Trump’s dreams of finishing Trump Tower come to fruition, essentially rigging a planning commission meeting to get $160 million tax abatement for which Trump was begging.

Separately, he introduced him to a friend, Roger Stone (Mark Rendall), whose “specialty” is dirty tricks and who touts candidate Ronald Reagan’s campaign slogan “let’s make America great again” (a slogan Trump would later steal as his own when he ran for president). And when the top of the still unfinished first-ever all-concrete hotel in NYC is set on fire, Cohn brings Trump to a meeting with some of his mob clients who deliver Trump a come-to-Jesus moment demanding the “f*cking concrete guy” gets paid. Trump is shown already as being notorious for not paying his construction workers.

The film shows his darker side, that scene included, as he is changing, becoming more ruthless himself — even to Cohn, by double crossing his lawyer whose partner has contracted AIDS and needed help in getting a room at the Hyatt; Trump reluctantly agreed but later sent him a bill. Soon Cohn himself contracts AIDS, but they make up when Trump comes to his birthday celebration with a gift of “diamond” cufflinks that say “Trump” on each one. Ivana later tells Roy they were fake.

The personal side of Trump is also on display here as he endlessly pursues Ivana (Maria Bakalova) for a date and after several turndowns finally wears her out. They marry, after she at first refuses to sign the absurd pre-nup Cohn had drawn up (she later does), and it is quite the social occasion. She becomes his partner in the garish design of Trump Tower. They have kids, but even before Trump Tower is completed he has set his eye on the casinos in Atlantic City, convincing Cohn he knows what he is doing (they all later went bankrupt). The marriage also went downhill, with the unfaithful Trump admitting to Ivana he was no longer attracted to her after she initially seemed to be in the mood for some lovemaking. She lashes out, calling him fat, ugly, bald, and orange-faced. A physical encounter ensues in which they have intense sex on the floor. Whether or not it was consensual is questionable at best and likely to be controversial, especially in light of sexual assault accusations and the E. Jean Carroll suit which he lost. Public knowledge of these lawsuits (not in the film) could paint the viewer’s opinion. It appears violent though.

This exceptionally well-researched first screenplay by Gabriel Sherman, who had profiled Trump for various publications and thought the Trump-Cohn story would make a good movie, has turned out a tale that is essentially a Faustian deal between the two. Although they have both been described as monsters in different circles, they are really given an empathetic treatment here, at least in part, and at least in an attempt to show us what led to historical change in America, and what may well continue in a story whose end has yet to be written.

Trump has never seemed so, well, human, as his own early years show a man trying desperately for his father’s approval while at the same time trying to come out from under his shadow. Progressively the two-hour film shows him doing just that, but also losing some of that humanity in the process. I wouldn’t describe the portrait as flattering, but it is not a hatchet job — perhaps part of the reason is a foreign director who didn’t even know Trump before he came down those stairs to announce his presidential bid in 2015. The goal is to show the makings of that man, not who he would later become – no matter what your opinion of that man is. I have a feeling his base of voters, the ones he dug up from under a rock, might look at these early years and give their approval, warts and all. Ironically though the first image in the film is that of Richard Nixon swearing “I am not a crook.” What the filmmakers’ intention with that choice is certainly intriguing.

Special notice to Sean Samsom’s seamless hair, makeup and prosthetics work here which never brings attention to itself.

Stan eases into the role, suggesting the young Trump without venturing into an SNL-like impersonation. He captures him precisely and believably throughout. Cohn has been portrayed in other projects like Al Pacino did in Angels In America, but Strong is ideal casting, going all in and delivering a three-dimensional portrait of this complicated man. Bakalova is excellent in her few scenes, as is Donovan as father Fred who early on tries to explain he is not racist. “How can I be racist when I have a Black chauffeur?” he asks at the dinner table while berating his sons. Charlie Carrick as Trump’s older brother Fred Jr. is also very fine, showing a man who just couldn’t live up to his father’s expectations. Scenes between the two siblings show Donald has at least some empathy.

Producers are Daniel Bekerman, Jacob Jarek, Ruth Treacy and Julianne Forde, Louis Tisne and Abbasi.

Title: The Apprentice

Festival: Cannes (Competition)

Director: Ali Abbasi

Screenwriter: Gabriel Sherman

Cast: Sebastian Stan, Jeremy Strong, Maria Bakalova, Martin Donovan, Charlie Carrick, Mark Rendall

Sales agent: Rocket Science

Running time: 2 hr

#sebastian stan #the apprentice #donald trump #its a shame that theyre names may be forever linked #the apprentice review

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isabellehemlock · 1 year ago

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🔥 ask game: 4, 8, 16

Hi Sindi! Thanks for sending me an ask 😎

Since you're all things TOG I hope it's alright to assume these questions for that fandom, so that's through the lens I'll be answering with 🤗

4. What was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I have "I block liberally" in my bio for a reason lol.

I mean, I strive not to label anyone by adjectives as if that's all they are - and lol, plenty of people find me annoying, too! - but looking at my blocked list, the majority overall theme (keeping in mind there's individual circumstances too, so not a general commentary on every single person blocked) but yeah, the majority? People who stalk and harass people across platforms - over nothing more than what they ship, kinks, etc.

Like I'm not talking about someone who sends their friend a post and wants to discuss to process or something - but like coordinated campaigns, spite events, efforts of several people across platforms, not only against one person but anyone associates with them, and/or telling people what public spaces they're allowed to be in, what ship positions they should or should not write, events they engage in, who to talk to, etc etc.

It's one thing to write on your own personal blog what you're into, and would love to see more of (I do that, too!) - but once it slides into one on one hounding, name calling, harassment, yeah, bye.

8. Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Okrrr I'm hesitant to call it "wrong" because well, in life there's always exceptions, so maybe uh, let's reframe as ill-informed? And really, this isn't fandom's fault when the one effin piece of marketing Netflix did was string together a few random bullet points of "facts" for our Immortal Family and then a chunk of people have been dissecting the conflicting comic, movie, and now blink-and-you'll-miss-it marketing of said movie ever since (including, but certainly not limited to: where is Joe from, and why was he in Jerusalem?)

But as someone who's background and studies involve Church history, I'll admit I've been a bit 🫠 at some of the things stated as "facts" in regard to Nicky’s background. I'm not suggesting that someone should have to study up on any given subject in order to write fic (like, it's free fic, not a thesis), but I'm surprised how prevalent it is?

Just this narrative that Nicky *had* to be of noble birth, *and* automatically be more learned than Joe, *and* was a virgin *and* essentially wore his cassock right under the armor onto the battlefield (I'm having a little fun with that last one to lighten the mood lol).

Since I know I like to be informed when someone presents historical facts - I'll link a few articles and links below:

@qqueenofhades wrote an excellent post about the why a priest would not be wielding a weapon - and here's a book about how the Church forbade it, though (ironically, out of the Crusades) thoughts shifted about the Church being actively involved in the sense of authorizing and even directing military campaigns - but again, the average priest maybe had a weapon in the 1200s, and solely for the sake of self protection while traveling. But no, your average parish priest wasn't swinging a long sword onto the battlefield in his cassock.

Here's some information about how non nobles could become priests, or heck, even illegitimate children of priests could become priests.

And yes, 100% there was a social hierarchy within the Church and often to climb it you were likely educated and noble etc etc etc - and yet our Church history does include having illiterate popes, too (and really, just because someone is illiterate doesn't mean they are unlearned or stupid or incapable of learning it at any time. It doesn't have to be an either/or).

And though of course celibacy was encouraged from the beginning, the Church did not make an official decree about it until the 1100s. Priests had families and children - though not often - and yes, there were definitely clergy and religious who were not interested in making, much less, upholding vows of chastity around Nicky’s mortal timeline.

All that to say, that though it's not impossible that a random priest (perhaps a military chaplain ministering to soldiers?) found himself needing to grab a sword on the battlefield in the chaos around him (because perhaps he had a few years of training with a sword as a kid before being sent to a monastary?) - I don't think it was the given I've seen some people declare it as?

But here's the sad truth: Nicky is just a fictional character with conflicting canon sources. So, there will always be discourse. Sigh.

However, for anyone reading along and looking for more resources for their Crusades fic, I've written one up here, and linked not only other sources, but from @actualmermaid resource post as well as the old guard hub resource doc.

16. You can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Hmmmm I'm not sure if I'm like deeply offended by any particular tropes/canon as much as I filter out certain tags due to personal reasons, etc - I mean even the whole Nicky priest discourse is (for some) potentially rooted in priest kink love lol, so I mean, to each his own?

I definitely filter out the noncon that has happened between Joe and Nicky, but again, that has more to do with personal reasons vs say, a judgment on content (though please pleaseeeee tag it properly).

If you've made it down to here, bless ~ I know this was potentially a heavier reply than what the game was looking for 👀

#answered ask #choose violence ask #discourse #fandom stuff #this isn't commentary about anyome enjoying priestNicky #i blame Netflix really #I'm just answering the ask in regards to historical context #kats catholic commentary

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adultswim2021 · 9 months ago

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Robot Chicken #79: “Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors” | September 13, 2009 - 11:30PM | S04E18

I have to finish a Jeopardy board for my “online friends” game night tonight, so I’ll make this as brief as I can, which is usually not very. Four longish sketches for me to comment on!

One is a parody of the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I think. I only saw that movie once ever in my entire life. I don’t think I like Indiana Jones, like, at all. Anyway: This is about the knight that is guarding the holy grail, and how he got along for all those years before Indiana Jones got there. It also explains why there were so many other grails there to confuse him; they were fast food cups from him ordering in. I don’t hate this premise, I just hate hearing Breckin Meyer doing a British accent. It just sounds like a high school drama student approximating Monty Python sketches to me.

There’s a sketch where a father hides in his young son’s closet to prove to him that there’s no such thing as a bogeyman. It backfires, because he learns that his son is domming his teddy bear and now he’s trapped in there as to not confront this terrible truth. I’m not sure if I missed the full joke of this sketch; there were key phrases that seemed to suggest that the kid was playing out some role playing fantasy he has or reenacting a trauma from a previous living situation? He does say the teddy bear is adopted? Like, I’m honestly not sure if the joke is that the kid is planning to rape his adoptive father or something, I genuinely feel like i missed a key detail. NOT SPENDING MORE TIME ON THIS TO FIGURE IT OUT, SORRY.

There’s a very long sketch where it’s Beast from Beauty and the Beast on a dating reality show where he fucks and sucks various beauties of various backgrounds. Technically this is a new idea, I guess, but the tropes of reality shows have been fodder for comedy for so gosh darn long, and none of those jokes seem particularly inspired. The funniest joke in this is the running gag of the angry mob that keeps interrupting it, but then I remembered about January 6th and instantly got PTSD from it :(

Okay; the best sketch of the night was Montage, about a superhero of sorts who helps people by showing up an enacting a montage. There’s been comedy about the montage trope for years, but the part where he does a montage to age up a house thief so that he becomes too frail to complete his crime is pretty inspired. And the ending was really good, where Montage’s nemesis End Credits man shows up, for both being a clever joke and also letting me know that the show was about to end.

EPHEMERA CORNER:

youtube

The Office (UK) (September 19, 2009 - 12:00AM)

I recently watched a video where a British man defended the post-classic era of the Simposns. It only solidified my personal theory that as outsiders to American culture, British people are less likely to be able to discern the very clear difference between good and bad episodes of The Simpsons. But this is a two-way street, mostly resulting in Americans not realizing Ricky Gervais sucks until he became the most cartoonishly awful version of himself.

Did I love The Office back then? Yes. I haven’t tried to watch it in full in probably 20 years or so, so I don’t know if it “holds up” (I mean that in the least obnoxious way possible). I only got into the American Office after exhausting rewatches of the British one, after being told how much better it got after it’s first season (of which I saw the first episode, a remake of the first British episode, and hated).

The Office airing on Adult Swim is one of my favorite bits of Adult Swim lore. Because it was promoted for weeks with Ricky Gervais being, for it’s time, funny and cheeky in promos. You got the impression he riffed them all out, letting his naturally-amusing arrogance drive them with inspired one-liners. The show’s odd runtime meant that Adult Swim had to air it in 45 minute time slots with extensively long introductions with Ricky Gervais talking about the episode for a few minutes before letting it play.

The difference between the promos he cut and the intros, despite being the exact same camera setup, was stark. Ricky would pretentiously prattle on about how David Brent was (I used to do an impression of this and it made two people laugh really hard, so I consider it one of my greatest bit) “huuurrtiiing”, almost like we’d failed as an audience by this character buffoonish. Ricky was basically preparing us for watching a Ken Loach film, and not an above-average BBC Sitcom. It could very well be the first instance of me thinking “this dude seems like he sucks”.

Surprisingly, these intros seem to be missing from the internet. I keep teasing the fact that some day I’ll dig out my DVD-Rs and try and find this stuff to post somewhere, but who knows at this point. I genuinely don’t know where they are and I have so much fucking shit I need to purge just to get to the pile that MIGHT contain them. But maybe some day. Enjoy the one promo I found, which doesn’t really illustrate what I’m talking about almost at all. Sorry.

MAIL BAG

The Boondocks pilot got leaked online archive DOT org/details/boondockspilot

Nice!

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #robot chicken #Youtube

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xtruss · 1 year ago

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All 5 Indiana Jones Movies Ranked, Including ‘Dial of Destiny’! All Five of Harrison Ford's Indy Films Definitively Ranked From Worst to Best.

— James Hibberd | Sunday 02 July 2023 | The Hollywood Reporter

Harrison Ford in 'Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny' Lucas Film

With the release of Harrison Ford’s final Indiana Jones film, The Dial of Destiny, the saga is officially over. But before we put all five movies in a museum, let’s take a look back. Below, The Hollywood Reporter ranks Dr. Jones’ adventures from the worst to the best. It’s a franchise that helped define the summer blockbuster and represented some of the best work of creators George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Ford — who will probably be forever more closely identified with his intrepid archaeologist than any other character from his career.

But since we’re starting at the bottom, that can only mean that we must first discuss…

Harrison Ford and Shia LaBeouf in ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’ Paramount/Courtesy of Everett Collection

5. The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

A hokey ramshackle mess. Everything about the fourth film feels weirdly distant and off somehow; slathered in a CG haze. Even the glossy cinematography by the usually stellar Janusz Kaminski manages to make scenes that were shot outdoors look like they’re inside a studio, while the less that’s said about Indy’s son Mutt (Shia LaBeouf) and his Tarzan swing the better (in fairness to LaBeouf, one suspects no actor could have made his character work as written). In other Indy movies, you try to pick out the best sequence; here, it’s a fight for the worst (most pick the infamous “nuke the fridge” scene; my choice is the cemetery brawl with the parkour warriors — because you didn’t even remember that one, did you?). An Indy film’s MacGuffin might not be the most important element, but it’s not unimportant either, and Dr. Jones’ quest for an alien artifact leads to a groaner of climactic sequence and some franchise-worst effects to top it all off. It’s the only film of the five that feels like a slog.

Lucas Film

4. The Dial of Destiny (2023)

Not as bad as the Cannes buzz suggested, yet not nearly as good as fans had hoped, Dial of Destiny represents a clear step up from Crystal Skull while still ranking below the original trilogy. The de-aged Indy opening sequence is surprisingly decent and the film effectively shuffles along for most of its run, with Phoebe Waller-Bridge bringing some bright energy as Indy’s goddaughter Helena Shaw and Mads Mikkelsen ever-watchable as villain Jürgen Voller. Ford is compelling when he’s given something to do, though Indy sometimes feels like a frustratingly passive character. But after two hours of teasing the idea of Indiana Jones traveling back in time, the payoff is letdown. Instead of revisiting, for instance, a moment from Indy’s storied past — it’s so easy to imagine Voller wanting to use the Dial to get the Ark of the Covenant during Indy’s Raiders adventure, or the Holy Grail during Last Crusade, to accomplish his goal of helping the Nazis win World War II — we instead are transported to an ancient Roman battle the audience doesn’t care about. Even Voller’s plan of traveling to 1939 to kill Hitler was a more exciting idea, and for the big climax Voller and Indy are separated and left with nothing to do – except perish in plane crash and get punched out, respectively. (“Continental drift!” should be adopted as a term for whenever a movie or TV show takes an abrupt, disappointing turn). Ultimately, Indy is left in a fine place, yet one wishes the filmmakers could use a Dial of Destiny to go back and rework the film’s third act.

Paramount/Courtesy of Everett Collection

3. The Temple of Doom (1984)

Temple of Doom has been criticized (including by Lucas and Spielberg) as being overly dark (its release helped inspire the PG-13 rating), and there are indeed moments that feel like they cross the line for what these movies are supposed to be (like that whipping scene). It’s also been justifiably criticized as leaning heavily on offensive racial stereotypes as Indy stumbles onto a child-enslaving Thuggee cult in India. Many also find Kate Capshaw’s shrieking Willie Scott off-putting. It’s tough to transition from all these elements to an “and yet…” but…and yet…when the film works, it has some of the best sequences in the franchise: The nightclub opener, the raft escape from a crashing plane, the will-they-or-won’t-they seduction scene, the spike room, the climactic bridge showdown — all terrific, and Ke Huy Quan’s Short Round is occasionally winsome too. Many outlets are placing Dial of Destiny above Temple of Doom on their ranking, but there’s nothing in Dial more exciting than moments like “no one’s flying the plane!” or “prepare to meet Kali — in hell!” (Admittedly helping matters: Ford is peak Hot Indy in this one.)

Paramount/Courtesy of Everett Collection

2. The Last Crusade (1989)

The Last Crusade is many Indy fans favorite of the bunch, and it’s easy to see why. The film is a delight — the warmest and funniest in the franchise — with a deft and witty script by Jeffrey Boam. Sean Connery is spot-on as Indy’s father, Henry Jones, and their interplay is at turns playful and touching (after Henry uses his umbrella to compel birds to strike an attacking fighter plane, the expression on Indy’s face as he’s silently overwhelmed by unexpected love for his father gets me every time). The score is one of John Williams’ best. The Last Crusade also has the strongest ending in the franchise, with its three-challenge booby traps and a feeling of genuine urgency with Henry’s life on the line (even factoring in the ridiculousness of the Crusade Knight — the film is a bit too goofy at times). Henry finally calling his son “Indiana” and gently telling him to let the Holy Grail go is one of the saga’s loveliest beats, and their extended sunset ride over the closing credits is so idyllic and gorgeous that arguably nobody should have attempted to make another Indiana Jones film after this one.

Paramount/Courtesy of Everett Collection

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark

Raiders of the Lost Ark is the closest you can find to a perfect action film. After his WWII comedy 1941 bombed, Spielberg was out to re-prove himself to Hollywood and it shows: Every scene is impeccable, starting with the opening temple raid that became one of the most iconic (and parodied) sequences in movie history. Ford deftly balances gravity and humor, demonstrating at turns competence and fallibility, as Indy struggles — and fails, time and time again — yet stubbornly refuses to quit. There are so many moments one could single out, and even the quiet ones are great. The lecture hall scene is a master class in delivering a ton of exposition in a compelling way (credit to screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan). The map room scene keeps the audience enthralled by simply showing Ford spending four minutes figuring something out — nearly all the storytelling is done on his face. Karen Allen’s savvy and punchy Marion Ravenwood was ahead of her time as strong action co-lead. And the truck chase remains one of the best stunt sequences ever shot. What does it say about the evolution of Hollywood filmmaking that the Indy film made with practical effects — aside from some dated climactic animation — and for the least amount of money (just $20 million/$78 million with inflation) visually remains the saga’s strongest and most grounded-looking entry? Clearly, top men — and women — were working on this one.

#The Hollywood Reporter #Movies #Movie News #Indiana Jones Movies #Harrison Ford #Worst to Best Movies Ranked

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