#(it’s not ER bad. the worst migraine I had in my life I still didn’t go bc I was like if I die it’ll be cheaper at home lmfao)

[bloomburnburial]

not treatable at home, not a medical emergency, but a secret third thing (a massive pain in the fucking head)

[canadianceliac]

When I was 12 years old, I got my first migraine. I had just gotten my first period, and along with the cramps and general ickiness of that, I was nauseous, my neck was killing me, and my head felt like an ice pick had been driven into my skull.

This is normal

That’s all the women in my life told me. That they had the same thing, every once in a while on their period. But not me. I got migraines on my period, on random Wednesday’s, after seeing movies with friends, after walking the dog, in class, in bed…in short, every where, any time, with no warning. That isn’t normal. So 12 year old me was packed up in the car and taken to a doctor.

This is normal

That’s all the doctor told me. I was told to take acetaminophen and ibuprofen, put an ice pack on my head, and deal. So I did. Two years passed of near constant migraines; I changed my behaviour, hoping it would help. I stopped going to movies, I stopped hanging out with friends if there was even a chance I’d get a migraine. Somewhere in this time, not only was my period a major migraine trigger, but it was heavy enough that I would pass out and need more pads than any woman should ever need. At 13ish, I was put on birth control. It took 12 years to get off of it. Eventually, the dizziness and fainting got so bad even outside of my period that finally, after months of begging, I was sent for a blood test where they discovered my iron levels were so low, they were literally undetectable. So now, armed with birth control, pain meds, and iron supplements, I was ready to start high school. Except none of those things were helping. The migraines got worse and worse, the iron supplements hurt my stomach and didn’t help raise my iron levels, and the birth control was not only unnecessary (raging lesbian here) but were likely causing more migraines! My first year of high school, I missed so many classes that I was told at the end of the year that if I had missed one more class, I would not have passed. I had a headache everyday at the end of school, so I would leave before my last class ended. My iron levels were so low that I could barely participate in gym class, and had to nap for hours a day just to feel a bit of energy. At the end of grade 9, after once again begging for months, my doctor sent me to a neurologist.

This is normal…but if you think you have a brain tumour, let me know

That is a genuine quote from my neurologist. And since I didn’t think I had a brain tumour (and he scared me to death with that sentence), I instead sought out other doctors who could help. From the age of 14 to 19, I saw chiropractors, physiotherapists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, naturopaths, hematologists, and more. I had Botox injections, took every type of medication under the sun, from triptans to anti-seizure meds to antidepressants to painkillers, and nothing worked for more than 3 months. That was the limit on every med and every treatment. Nothing really made my migraines go away completely, but they helped a little.

When I went to university, things got a little better. I got a new doctor who was willing to offer new treatments, I was happier, and I had a room with blackout blinds. All a girl could need. I was still getting migraines weekly, but somehow they seemed more tolerable. That was until the summer arrived, and with it, some of the most stressful times of my life. I had gotten a fun summer job, was living at home again, and generally relaxing for the summer. But as the summer arrived, humidity, thunderstorms, and some family issues would elevate my migraines to some of the worst I’d ever had. Trips to the ER offered no relief as I was told to just take more ibuprofen, the chiropractor was visited daily, and I had to quit my job because I missed weeks on end.

The migraines lessened as the summer ended, but my iron deficiency had made everything worse. I was dizzy, tired, and irritable. So, after years of supplements that hurt my stomach and did nothing for my iron levels, I asked for an infusion and instead, I got injections. 10 of them, in my glutes. It was awful, and they left stains on my butt, but my iron levels were finally detectable. When I went back to school, I needed a doctor to sign off on the injections to get them from the school nurse. Now, at my school, you don’t see the same doctor every time so I was sent to see a new doctor who asked a question that somehow, in 12 years of dizziness and supplements, no doctor had ever asked.

Why

It seems like a silly question, but it would change my life. This was the first time a doctor had gone past the explanation of “woman with low iron”. Why did I have low iron? I took supplements, I ate red meat, and I didn’t bleed a lot on my period because of the birth control. So how did my iron never get better unless it was injected directly into my muscles. There were a few potential reasons that we quickly ruled out through tests or family history, and then the doctor said “I have one last thing to check for, but it will almost definitely come back negative since you have none of the symptoms, but we should try anyway”. The test was $100 bucks out of pocket, and until recently, I don’t think I would have gotten that test done if I wasn’t so desperate for an answer.

A week after the test, my doctor called and asked me to come in. They would never discuss results over the phone, so it didn’t seem like anything important to me, just another negative test and no answers. But when I got there, and my doctor opened the results to read, she literally laughed out loud. I was the first person she had ever sent for the test, with no symptoms, and yet I somehow had the highest levels she’d ever seen. I’d need a biopsy to confirm, she warned, but she was 100% sure I has Celiac disease. Now this might be obvious to you due to my account name, but at the time I was floored. Allergic to gluten? I’m an Italian Jew, all we do is eat gluten. My stomach never hurt, I never had digestive issues, and yet my body was destroying itself every time I had so much as a crumb.

I got the biopsy and an official diagnosis, I stopped eating gluten, and slowly but surely, my migraines went away. Not entirely, I still have a migraine on my period, and if the weather gets really crazy, but once a month is better than always. But now I get to see movies with friends, and go to fireworks shows, and go on long walks, and dance in night clubs. I’m making this post to help others like me, who have searched and pleaded with doctors to do something and gotten no where. I want to make it so clear right now that I did everything I could. I advocated for myself, I asked questions, I tried every treatment offered to me, and got no where until some random doctor asked a question no one had tried to answer, and just happened to know that migraines and iron deficiency could be symptoms of Celiac disease.

I’m making this post, and this account, to tell people that they should ask to get tested, even if there’s no family history or stomach troubles. The asymptomatic version makes it hard to diagnose, but my life got so much better when I found out. I’m not cured. I still have low iron and migraines, but it’s better. I’m happier.

The rest of this blog is going to be actually good recipes, GF alternatives, and some need-to-knows about being gluten free. But I hope my story will get out there and help at least one person suffering (My grandma tells everyone she’s ever met who’s had a headache to get tested, and she’s already helped 3 people so I think my chances are pretty good.)

Thanks for sticking around to read this. I appreciate it.

[oneirataxiahiraeth]

First Time Jitters

Pairings : SpencerReid x Fem!Reader

Warnings : unprotected sex, oral (fem receiving), fingering, language

Summary : At a dinner party hosted by Rossi, the girls tells stories on the first times they’ve had to fake an orgasm. They all get intrigued by the readers silence and begin digging into her new relationship with Collague Spencer Reid and find out they haven’t even had sex together... yet.

Word Count : a little over 4K

“Are you kidding me? I’ve never felt anger like that in my life.” Emily laughed out, the rest of us entranced in her tales about the horrors of her sex life. “That’s was probably the first, but definitely not the last time I ever had to fake it.” She shrugged, and I felt my cheeks turn pink. We all sat around the fire pit at Rossi’s house after dinner, soaking in the warmth from the fire. Rossi and Hotch were inside, probably have a heart to heart about man troubles or something, and Reid was entertaining Henry and Jack showing them Magic’s tricks and ignoring any signs of the rest of the adults here.

“Well, sorry to you ladies but I can gladly say that none of my boo thangs ever had to worry about not finishing.” Morgan spoke proudly with a smile on his face. I could see on Garcia’s face how bad she wanted to make some inappropriate joke but she let it pass.

“Okay, I mean... Will is amazing. A totally sweetheart, but sometimes...” JJ groaned, leaving the rest up to our imaginations. If I remembered correctly she was actually the one who brought up the conversation. She mentioned something about her ‘mommy and daddy’ time last being a complete disaster that Will didn’t even know about.

I sat quietly listening to everyone tell their worst stories, laughing when they did and making some commentary from time to time. It was growing late and the only thing in the sky was a crescent moon that seemed to shine really bright. I was seconds away from passing out on Morgan’s shoulder as my attention suddenly was drawn to the fire. I should’ve know that eating so much pasta tonight would’ve led to a food induced coma.

“Awfully quiet tonight.” Morgan spoke, his shoulder moving my head up to get my attention. My eyes looked back up to the group whose eyes were all focused on me. I was fairly quiet tonight, but with the topic on hand I hadn’t needed to speak too much. I’ve had my fair shares of faking my orgasms with ex boyfriends, but it’s been a while since I last did anything sexual with anyone. Reid and I only began dating about 5 months ago, and while I was okay waiting for him, he just never seemed to be interested in doing anything like that. Besides the flirty comments, we never seemed to take it past the heated make out sessions whenever we could sneak them in.

“You’ve been staring off into space for like half the conversation.” Emily spoke, a bit of worry in her tone. “What’s up? No fun stories of boyfriends who couldn’t get you there?” She raised a brow and I gave a slow shrug. Of course I have stories, but none of them really worth mentioning.

“Oh no, I have tons.” I spoke, picking my head up off of Morgan’s shoulder. “No fun ones, though. None of my ex boyfriends have ever been able to get me close.” I spoke honestly. None of any of the guys I slept with in the past has ever been able to make me cum.

“Any stories of boy wonder over there?” Morgan teased and I shook my head.

“Not one.” I answered, hoping my answer would satisfy their need for gossip.

“Really?” Morgan looked surprised, looking back to the brown haired Doctor who was explained to the child how he did his last magic trick. “You’ve never had to fake it with him?” He scoffed. “He’s only had like one girlfriend before!” He wasn’t wrong. Spencer had expressed to me a few times about his lack of experience. Maybe that simple fact that he’s only ever had sex like maybe twice played a part in his abstinence. Maybe he just didn’t see me as someone he wanted to have sex with.

“Honestly,” I took in a deep breath as I realized that they were all staring back at me like I was the object of their affection. “We haven’t had-”

“Oh. My. God.” Garcia gasped, already knowing the end of my sentence. I rolled my eyes, as Morgan’s whole body shifted just to give me a look the read ‘are you really serious right now?’

“It’s not that big of a deal.” I shrug it off, minimizing the impact of the news. “Like you said, he’s had one girlfriend before. Maybe he’s just not ready yet.” I mention, relaxing my already tense body.

“It’s been 5 months.” Garcia adds.

"It's not that long of a time to be dating."

“You guys are around each other for almost like 24 hours a days every day of the week!” Emily scoffed. “You’re telling that you’ve never had sex with him before?” She asked and I shook my head .

“We don’t even talk about it really...”

Each of my team members remained silent, coming up with possible solutions to my ‘problem’. I could see it in there faces that they were just in shock. They all looked to each other, equally as confused and a bit uncomfortable as the next. Doubt flashed across their eyes as they all looked because me and the brown haired Doctor across the lawn.

“So...” Emily began “if you and Spencer haven’t had sex yet, when was the last time you did?” She asked, interrupting he silence.

“I don’t know like...” I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had sex with anyone. “A few years maybe?”

“A FEW YEARS?!” Garcia gasped loudly, gaining the attention of the doctor from across the field who only paid attention for a second before returning to the two boys.

“Oh my god, could you be any louder?” I laughed at her obvious dismay over my absent sex life.

“If you said anything over ‘a few years’ then yeah, I probably could be.” She nodded, still very troubled over the news.

“Look, We’re both pretty busy people outside of work and obviously weee not going to do it on the job-”

“Literally that’s a terrible excuse.” Garcia shook her head, as disappointment began to form on her face. Maybe they were right. We’ve been dating for 5 months but we’ve known each other way longer. It’s not like we were complete stranger still digging to get to know the other person.

“What’s a terrible excuse?” Spencer’s voice spoke from over my shoulder, causing me to jolt slightly. Everyone’s eyes immediately focused on him as he stood there confused and left out. I didn’t even have to give them a dirty look to tell them to keep our conversation under wraps, considering it was him we were talking about.

“Y/n was just telling us how she never read any of the Harry Potter books before.” Garcia spoke quickly, everyone nodding to agree with what she said. I cursed him out in my head as he moved around the couch and sat down next to me. I then shifted my weight from Morgan to Spencer, leaning my head on his shoulder. I tried to ignore the eyes but I couldn’t, each other them staring completely unbothered on how awkward it totally was.

“Y/n doesn’t read anything that doesn’t have hot vampires who sparkle in the sun.” Spencer commented, making my mouth drop. That’s was so untrue, I read other things too... I can’t name them off the top of my head but I know I do!

“Thats so-”

"very accurate?" he finished my sentence causinf my eyes to narrow even though i wasnt looking at him.

“Actually Spence, y/n was just telling us about a headache she had!” JJ spoke up, putting on a concern face that confused the hell out of me. When did I mention I had a headache? “She’s said her head was pulsing and it felt like her brain was throbbing?” My eyes widened and I realized what she was doing.

“Yeah,” Emily spoke, nodding her head as she picked up on the silent plan they just agreed upon. “I think she needs to get home, she might have hit her head or something earlier.” Emily frowned, as if she was really concerned for my health. They each had a look of evil on their faces which, to the blind eye, could easily be mistaken for care.

“Really? That’s does sound kind of bad, maybe we should get you to the ER? It might be a concussion...” Reid spoke, and my eyes widened even more.

“Oh no, she was check by the medics earlier! She might just have a migraine.” Morgan came quickly to my rescue. God knows what I’d have to do to talk Spencer out of taking me to the ER if he thought I was hurt or injured.

“You guys a such-” I stopped myself, watching the amusement grow on their faces as the waited for me to finish my sentence. “... such angels...” I grumbled, “always looking out for me.” I hummed, narrowing my eyes at the women on the couch across from me.

“Come on, let’s get you home.” Spencer spoke, helping me stand from the couch even though I was perfectly fine.

Our fingers were intertwined as we bid farewell to our evil scheming friends. I let him lead the way back to the hous, solely so I could flick them off behind his back. Once we got close to the house, we were attacked with hugs and pleads not to leave by the touch gorgeous little boys who would just missed their uncle Spencer. After we said our goodbyes to Rossi and Hotch we headed back to his apartment. Only because I loved the smell of strong coffee and old books, and he was closer.

“You should go lay down, y/n/n. I can wake you up when it’s time to go?” He spoke sweetly, his hands on my hips as we entered his bed room. I smiled at his kindness, remembering how I promised I’d go to some late night movie with him this morning. It was showing in Russian and he was just itching to sit through 3 hours of it to translate it to me.

“I love you.” I hummed, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, as my arm snaked around his neck in order to pull him into a hug. His movements stuttered just a bit before he returned the hug back to me.

“I love you.” He counter, squeezing me into him. “Now tell me, how many glasses have you had?” He teased.

“One.” I answered, laughing at the face he gave me when he pulled away. “Only one, I swear!” I defend myself with a smile. It wasn’t thag hard to get him to realize I was telling the truth, I wasn’t big on drinking and I’d be damned if I let myself get wine drunk.

“Y/N Y/L/N, showing affection to little old me?” He raised his eyebrows. “What did I ever do to deserve it?” He joked.

"Why wouldn’t I be affection towards my loving, sexy, intelligent, boyfriend?” I teased with a playfully frown.

"Have you met you?" He smiled from my response, his arms wrapping around me a bit tighter.

“You know... I like kissing you.” I spoke slowly, my eyes falling to his lips no matter how hard I tried to get them to stare into his sparkly green eyes which always seemed to stare right into my soul.

“I like kissing you too...” his cheeks turned pink from the compliment.

“Hugging you is pretty nice too...” I further my compliments, my voice turned sultry and smooth as I tried my best to be seductive. I never really pushed the idea of sex on him, I was too scared that he’d reject me and I’d ruin everything. Now I’m starting to think that maybe everyone was right? It’s been a long time since I had sex, and it’s probably been longer for him. And we’ve been dating for a while now... maybe now is the time? “Hugging you and kissing you is really nice.” I murmured as his lips pressed into mine once more.

“I enjoy hugging and kissing you too.” He smiled back, a bit confused but he didn’t seem to mind. His large hands moving up and down my back. Right now, in his mind I was probably just basking in him right now. In mine, I really wanted him to catch the hint that I needed him to fuck me.

Our lips pressed together again, this time sending tingles down my spine. We slowly moved back until I had Spencer on the bed, with me straddling him as our lips moved in sync. He smiled against my lips as his hands moved down to my thighs, gripping them a bit harder than usual. This was it. This was them position we ended up in every single time we made out, only this time I was hoping for somethingother than just a heated make out session. His tongue swiped at my bottom lips gaining instant access before his was in complete control.

Spencer William Red had me wrapped around his finger and didn’t even know it. It’s been 5 months, yet even before I had the privilege of being his girlfriend I would’ve done whatever he asked of me. I was and still am completely ready to be used at his disposal.

“Are you sure you’re not tired?” He mumbled against my lips, slowing the pace before things could get too heavy.

“Not at all.” I hummed, leaving one last peck on his lips. I debated on what to do for a few seconds as my eyes wondered over his beautiful face. “I- I uhm, I have a question.” My voice came out soft, and gentle which wasn’t usual. Whenever I spoke, usually it was with confidence, and had no problem talking about uncomfortable topics but this... this was a whole new world.

“What’s wrong?” I watched the content look on his face dropped into more of a frown.

“I-” my eyes got caught in his, sparkling from the dim light in his dark green painted room. “I don’t know...” I used my fingers to brush a piece of his hair before his ear. He was truly magnificent to look at, from his cheekbones to his perfect nose, everything about him was just... pretty.

“Talk to me.” He frowned further, his hands careful not to move further than where they already were.

“Do you not want to... like...” my eyes narrowed a bit watching his confusion take place. He was one of the brightest people I knew yet he was still so clueless. “...touch me?” I sounded like an insecure teenage right now, and I honestly didn’t care. This conversation could go a number of ways and I’d rather take everything right now that go another day or week or month thinking that sleeping with me was a repulsive idea to my own boyfriend.

“You- I- what?” His eyes widened, and I dropped my arms from around his neck. I would’ve gotten off of his lap, but his hands were gripping tightly on to my hips in a way that made me want to throw myself at him. “You mean like...?” Goddammit Spencer, how fucking clueless are you?

“Do you not want to have sex with me?” My face was just as soft as my tone. I could see the shock taking effect as his brain worked as quickly as it could to fully understand what was happening at the moment.

“I- uhm, I-“ he stumbled, and for a second I swore my heart broke into a thousand many pieces.

“You know... just forget it, it was a stupid question anyways-”

“No!” His voice came out strong and willful. “No I just- I wasn’t expecting that, I guess.” He explained and I nodded. “I-I- do want to... uhm... have a- sex with you, y/n.” His face was showing a variety of emotions and I’m sure mine was too. “ I just...”

“Don’t want to catch a disease?” I joked, which he apparently didn’t find very funny. I couldn’t help it though, it’s too awkward in here for my liking.

“I don’t want you-“ he stopped to think for a moment, “I don’t want you to be underwhelmed.” He explained, my mouth dropping at his confession. He was scared he wouldn’t be able to pleasure me? That’s was... horribly sweet of him. Not that I expected anything less from Spencer himself... that was just very unpredicted.

I wanted to tell him about all the past guys who never even got close to getting me off, but I don’t think that would make the situation any better. Honestly, right now, just the thought of him touching me could’ve got me off. Even if he couldn’t get me there, I’d fake it. I’d fake it really fucking good just for him because so am completely wrapped around his finger. Well, I wanted to be at least...

“I just want to be with you, Spence.” I spoke, watching the light smile form back to his lips. He was conflicted for a second before nodding his head. His light green sparkly eyes then turned dark, his pupils dilating as our faces grew closer until I could feel our breaths mixing together.

“I love you so fucking much.” He hummed, just before connecting our lips again. I felt the butterflies in my stomach going crazy as his hands moved to my face, pulling our lips together again.

He tasted like the white wine he enjoyed at dinner earlier. It was an odd choice but one I could definitely get behind, only if it was on his tongue. His signature scent of vanilla coffe and some expensive cologne swirled around in my nostrils driving me absolutely mad. My hips moved against the fabric of his pants, grinding against him releasing only a bit of tension from my own body. His hands working quickly to unbutton my jeans and blouse, exposing my black laced bra hiding underneath. I let out a tiny giggle as his back collided with the soft duvet, leaving me right on top of him, making it much easier to grind down on him.

His hands moved to my hips, guiding me right where he needed me. My hands traveled from his jaw all the way down his chest, unbuttoning what I could until I got to his belt. I gasped as my back suddenly hit the duvet, giggling again as I felt Spencer smile against my lips. Spencer struggles to carry a gun properly so, flipping us over was a very impressive move coming from him.

“Literally, just beautiful.” He mumbled on my lips before pulling away to look at me.

My cheeks burned a bright red, as I watched him study my own body. His body rested in between my legs, and his hands slowly traced over my skin. He sent me a sweet smile, and I thought of 100 jokes I could make right now but I figured it wasn’t the moment. I lift my hips as he tugged off my jeans and shirt tossing it somewhere across the room, ditching his own shirt. Now I was laying naked, waiting for him to touch me, well, everywhere. My eyes caught onto the faint six pack that’s always hidden under his own shirts, and I swear if I could I’d stare at it forever.

“Like what you see?” I teased, watching a smile spread to his lips as he rolled his eyes.

“Kinda, yeah.” He nodded, bringing his forehead down to rest on mine. His hands moved to my side, taking his heavy grip on them. My leg propped up on his side, giving him a bit more room to work.

“Kinda?” I raised an eyebrow at the reply and he shrugged. My breathing halted at the feeling of his hand playing at the band of me black panties.

“I’m sure I’d like it much better, if you had nothing on at all.” I felt my stomach go into full on cartwheel as his hand slipped under the band of my panties. His lips pressed a light kiss to my forehead, before he went down to my neck. The heat from his hand hovering above me sent the most explicit images to my head. Every time my hips bucked into his hands, his lips found a spot to suck and nip at earning light moans.

“Please Spence.” I whimper, feeling his lips curl into a smile against my neck. He pressed some more antagonizingly slow soft kisses as he made his way back to my lips. He hovered for a second before our lips were moving again, his lips muting the sounds of my moans from his finger circling around my clit.

“Shit.” He muttered against my lips, as he ran his finger up my soaked slit, teasing my entrance just enough to collect just juices on his fingers. My hips grind up into his hand, begging for more of him.

His fingers sped up as he massaged my clit, sending a deep tingle throughout my body. He pulled apart from our kiss, and I released a loud moan. His fingers already finding their way into me, curling to touched that right spot inside of me. My hands grip at the sheets and pillows as he begins to pump in and out of me. I felt the tension in my stomach tightening as he brought my closer to where I was so desperately needing to be. He left a trail of sweet kisses down my body until he reached the band of my panties.

“Oh fuck-” I moaned out, catching a glimpse of what he was doing to me in the body mirror across the room. I could see my panties pushed to the side as his fingers fucked into me faster by the minute. I could’ve came at the sight right there, but picked up on where I was looking. His head turned to the mirror watching as I squirm under he touched when he pushed into me a bit harder than before. He sent me a devious smirk before turning back to his current project. “Oh my fuck- right there Spence- god!” I moaned loudly as I felt his tongue lapping up my slick, playing with my clit as he sped the pace of his fingers. My back arched off the bed as the euphoric high of the orgasm I was about to reach shot through me.

“Cum for me, Angel.” He murmured against me, sending a vibration right to my clit. Without warning I spilled everything on his fingers. I let out another string of curses as he removed his fingers only to replace his digits with his tongue, sucking everything out of me.

“You taste even better than you look right now.” He hummed, as he sucked my juice from his fingers. I put on a lazy smile, as my arms wrapped right back around his neck. He brought his lips down to me, giving me a good taste of myself.

“So pretty damn good?” I joke, earning a tickle at my sides. “My turn?” I prepared myself to be flip over again but instead I was hold down in place by the brown haired man.

“Normally I wouldn’t object but I really want to be inside of you right now.” He commented, my eyes widened a big at his bluntness before nodding my head. He slipped off his boxers, pumping himself above me a few times. His tip grazed my clit twice earning a moan from the sensitive sensations. I could tell he was enjoying having me completely at his mercy. I was enjoying it too. “Are you Ready?” He asked and I nodded, eager to feel him inside of me.

Without another word he slid into me slowly until he bottomed out. I gasped at the stretch and sting I felt as he entered. I felt myself convulse around him, causing him to tense over me. He stayed buried in me, allowing me to adjust to his size. I had half the mind to make a joke about him being such a gentleman but I kept it to myself.

“You can move.” I he gave a nod, as he pulled out earning a light moan from my throat. For a split second a saw a flash of evil cross his eyes. There was no pretty Sparkles in his eyes, they were now fake and filled with lust as his eyes raked over me.

He slammed into me, hitting the exact spot where I needed him. He kept a fast pace, hiking my leg up to his side again hitting into me at a deeper angle. His lips attached to mine in a hungry manner, as if I was just there for his own comfort. My back was arched off the bed as I get the knot forming in my stomach threatening to come undone once more as I cried out multiple profanities in his kiss.

“Oh fuck, y/n.” He moaned out bringing me right to the edge, my walls clenching around him as he picked up the pace. I let out the loudest pornographic moan of his name as I came undone. He fucked me through the euphoria as his own thrust began to stutter.

Our breathing was heavy as he pulled out and released his load on my lower stomach. I gave him another lazy smile, seeing as I didn’t have the energy for much else. Once he as finish he collapsed on the bed next to me, pulling my body into his. I could hear his heart beat racing through his chest... or was that mine? I was sure to be 8 different types of soar in the morning, and right now I was on the verge of actually passing out.

“You’re incredible.” I breathed looking to my equally as fucked out boyfriend. His long strands of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, driving me slightly crazy.

“I don’t think we’re going to make that movie.” He laughed, making my smile grow.

I looked to the alarm set by the bed. “It’s only 11:30, we totally make it in time.” I spoke, remembering his excitement about this film earlier in the day.

“Yeah, but I have much better things to do actually.” He mentioned with a light shrug, brushing a few strand of hair from my own sweaty forehead.

“Like?”

“You.”

I smiled at the group of agents all hovering in the bullpen, probably talking about their weekends off. It was rare we ever got a whole weekend to ourselves, so whenever we did we made sure to take full advantage of it. I mean... I certainly did.

“Morning guys.” I smiled as is at down at my desk which Morgan for some reason thought was a chair.

“Morning sunshine!” The muscular clad man greeted me with a smile. “How waa your weekend?”

“It was really good actually.” I shrugged, noticing the expecting looks I recieved from the group. I noticed Penelope coming out from her office in the corner of my eye. She caught a quick glimpse of all of us, and her senses caught on quickly before she changes her route and made her way down with a giddy smile.

“You seem happy.” She walked up with a grin on her red painted lips. “You’re not a morning person... you never smile this early.” She stated. “Did you have sex?!” She spoke right to the point, taking me by surprise.

“I- uhm... what?”

“Yes? No? Did you at least talk to him about it?” She pushed, my cheeks turning red at the questions.

“Yeah, we did talk about the whole sex thing.” I gave in, knowing eventually they were going to find out everything on their own, either from me or Reid.

“How’d it go?” JJ asked, her and Emily catching onto the conver as the two of them moved to the front of my desk.

“Am I invited to the party this time?” Rossi spoke, as he walked down from his office, joining our group cluster.

“They talked about it!” Garcia cheered to him, and his face lit up as if her was actually proud of me.

“You did not tell Rossi!” I gasped

“Yeah we did, Hotch knows too.” Emily spoke, “now, what happened after you talked about it?!” She dismissed it, in hopes to get more information.

I sat in disbelief for a good few seconds before shaking my head. I knew they lived for the office gossip, I was the same way. Things like office gossip made us feel regular, considering the crazy and gore that came with the job. In all honestly, I hadn’t minded it all that much.

“It went well...” I shrugged

“And...?” Rossi spoke, waiting for more of the story.

“How well?” JJ asked, a smirk taking over her lips. They all stared intently as they waited for me to reply.

“I mean... we had sex.” I mumbled, just loud enough for them to hear. “...a lot”

“Seriously?!?” Garcia squealed.

“I- was it- was it good? How’d did it happen?” Emily asked, and I felt the heat rushing to my cheeks.

“Uhm...” I tried to think of less descriptive words than the ones popping into my head. “It was really good... like amazing actually.” I scoffed, laughing at the noises each of them made.

“So did you actually-”

“Yup.”

“And he’s the first person to ever make you-” I raise a brow at Morgan, putting slip finger to stop him mid sentence. He honestly looked in disbelief that Reid, of all people, could satisfy me after all these years.

“I said non of my ex boyfriends.” I clarified. I watched as Emily’s smile grew impressed, and Morgan and JJs jaws dropped at the confession. Garcia simply just squealed again, and I can’t even describe the look on Rossi’s face.

“Morning guys!” Reid walked in, a bright smile on his face chasing the rest of us to giggle at his brightness. He was usually in a good mood on mondays, but this was just a whole different type of mood. I had my ideas on why, but I didn’t have to say them out loud.

“Morning loverboy.” Morgan smiled at the new nickname. I haven’t seen him since early early this morning. We decided to part ways, mainly because anytime we looked at each other ended up in us having sex on whatever piece of furniture or appliance was nearest. Surprisingly he didn’t even mentioned a single thing about the about of germs and bacteria we could’ve spread either. Reid gave us all a wide smile before he walked up to my desk. He leaned down to height, placing a stern yet soft kiss to my lips. He usually went for the forehead or the nose, which all of us were aware of.

“How was your weekends?” He asked, looking to his friends happily.

“How was yours?” Garcia smirked, as she rest her elbow on dereks should. I felt my cheek glow hot again.

“It was... really good.”

“Oh we know.” Rossi mumbled, earning a dirty glare from me as my jaw dropped a little bit. The old man sent me a innocent smile a shrug, before Reid caught on.

“You know...” he spoke, giving me the same right lip smile he does when he really doesn’t know what to say.

“They know we had sex.” I spoke quickly, and his eyes widen a bit as he finally realized.

“Oh.” He spoke, fixing the satchel on his shoulder. Spencer was never very public with past romances, so I don’t know how he’d react to this. “I mean... I had sex with my girlfriend, what’s the big deal.” He shrugged, not seeming to mind too much. My eyes widened a bit, as I felt his arm snake around my waist pulling me into his side.

“You know what?” Rossi spoke, standing from his seat. “He’s right. He’s an adult, as are we. So stop acting like a bunch of children!” He scolded the group of adults hanging around us like a bunch of lost puppies. I smiled and nodded agreeing with the man. Reid gave him a thankful smile, before pressing another kiss to my cheek and going to his own desk.

Rossi stood in front of me as he watched the other back off, with eye rolls and huffs.

“Did you at least use protection?” Rossi teased, but for some reason thag caught my attention. Our attention. Sudden flashes from all the events that took place over these last few days flooded our minds at the exact same time. My body stiffened for a second before I grabbed the files stacked up on my desk to work from home. We hadn’t used a single condom all weekend. Everyone’s eyes were wide and I moved quickly, scrapping everything into my arms before I looked to Reid with an equally as fesrful look on his face.

“Text if you need anything.” I mumbled before practically running out of the office with Spencer close on my heels.

We were totally screwed

[adash-ofstardust]

i am at the tail end of the worst anxiety attack i've had in years, so please enjoy this self indulgent and mostly fluffy, with a bit of angst, drabble of Mammon and my MC...

TW: mentions of anxiety, depression, self isolation, and lack of eating and sleeping

idk if i did those trigger warnings correctly, if not please lmk

Mammon > Lucifer

Mammon: oi, Lu

Mammon: has Abel talked to you at all lately?

Lucifer: Hm? About what?

Mammon: like, is something goin’ on with 'em?

Lucifer: They haven’t mentioned anything to me.

Lucifer: Why?

Mammon: they've been pretty distant with everyone lately

Mammon: they haven’t even hung out with Levi in like a week

Lucifer: That is odd.

Lucifer: I had noticed that they haven’t come to study in my office lately, but I had just assumed it was because they were getting a handle on their classwork.

Mammon: i think somethin’s up

Mammon: i’m gonna go talk with 'em

Lucifer: Alright. Please let me know what’s going on.

Mammon: yep

Mammon balanced the drinks, bag of snacks, and movie that he had purchased carefully in one arm while he knocked on Abel’s door with the hand of the other. “A~bel! Open up! I got somethin’ for ya’!”

It took a minute, but eventually the door slowly cracked open. “Mammon?”

“Hey!” he grinned brightly as he shifted around some of the items he held so he could hold out the movie for them to take. “Time for a movie night! I know ya’ve been wantin’ to see this!” When they took the movie from him to look over, he pushed past them into their room without waiting to be invited in. “I got drinks and snacks too! And I know ya’ got all the blankets and pillows, so we should be good to go!” Mammon spilled everything he held onto the table in Abel’s room before he looked around. All the lights were off. “Sure is dark in here…” He turned back to them, “I didn’t wake ya’ up, did I?”

Abel softly shook their head as they shut the door. “No, I started getting a migraine a while ago so I turned the lights off.” They gently smiled as a look of concern crossed his face. “I took some medicine and I’m better now - no worries!”

Mammon looked them over for a moment before he turned back to the table. “Well, I did get ya a couple o’ these,” he said as he held out a can of Devilbull. “I know they’re yer favorite! And they help with yer migraines! Win-win!” he grinned.

Abel’s smile softened as they took the can. “Thank you, Mammon.” They gently sighed before looking around the room. “Let me get the laptop Levi loaned me. All the blankets and stuff are on that chair if you wanna grab some more for the bed,” Abel pointed to a chair in the corner as they made their way over to their desk.

Mammon looked them over again - noting how they seemed more sluggish than usual - before grabbing all of the extra blankets and pillows from the chair and throwing them on the bed. He didn’t worry about arranging them too much before he shucked his jacket and dropped it on the floor. Mammon grabbed all of the snacks and drinks and threw them all on Abel’s bed as well before climbing on and making themselves a cozy nest.

“Why aren’t we watching this in your room, by the way?” Abel asked as they climbed into the bed - laptop in hand. “You have that big projector.”

Mammon gestured to the bed, “Yeah, but you got all the blankets.” He grabbed one and threw it over his head like a hood, as if to further prove his point.

Abel laughed - but Mammon noted that it was softer and less bright than their usual giggle. “Fair enough,” they said as they began arranging themselves and the laptop within the nest that Mammon had made.

“Ya okay?”

Abel’s head whipped to face Mammon and they stared at him in silence for a moment. “What?”

“Are ya okay?” Mammon repeated as he slid the blanket off of his head. His expression was devoid of all of the joy that he had previously and now regarded them in complete seriousness. “You’ve been...distant lately. From everyone.”

“Oh, yeah,” Abel said as they smiled - a forced one - and turned back to the laptop. “The weather’s just been giving me a lot of migraines, so I’ve been sleeping a lot.”

Mammon was quiet for a moment. “I thought ya normally slept yer migraines off in Lu’s room since it’s quiet.” There was a slight edge to his voice - still gentle, but he knew that they weren’t being honest with him.

Abel froze for half a second before they shrugged. “It’s been happening so frequently, I felt bad bothering him all the time.”

Another moment of silence passed before Mammon grabbed Abel’s wrist - stopping them from prepping the movie. They jumped slightly at his touch before their gaze met his. His sapphire eyes bore into the cerulean of their own. “I know ya’ haven’t been eating.”

Abel did their best to suppress a gasp. They forced a confused look onto their face. “What do you mean?”

Mammon’s expression and tone remained the same. “You’ve been skipping lunch at school. And ya’ hardly eat anything of the meals we have here.” He gently reached out and grabbed their other hand - his eyes never leaving theirs. “Ya’ have a good mask, human. It’s easy ta’ see that yer used to hiding yer negative emotions - ye're even foolin’ Lucifer.” He took a deep breath and let out a sigh as he gently squeezed their hands. “But I know better. I know there’s somethin’ goin’ on that you don’t want anyone ta’ see. But, Abel, ya don’t have to be so strong here - not with me. I’d protect ya’ from anything - ya’ know that. Please talk ta’ me.”

Abel had been frozen in place by Mammon’s words. And at his plea, tears began to well in their eyes. “Mammon, I-...” they whispered.

Mammon tugged them into his arms and hugged them tightly - a blush burning upon his cheeks. “I’m here, Abel. I got ya’. I’ll take care o’ whatever it is. And if I can’t, I’ll be here for ya’ no matter what.”

How…? Abel wondered as tears began cascading down their cheeks. How could this demon break me, when no one else ever could? Their breath hitched in their throat as they began to sob. They gripped onto Mammon tightly and buried their face in his shoulder. He only held them tighter - gently running his fingers through their hair.

After a few minutes, Abel was finally able to collect themselves. They still had their face buried in Mammon’s chest when they finally spoke. “I’m sorry, Mammon…” He stayed quiet and let them continue. “I have anxiety and depression. Sometimes they just get the better of me, for no discernible reason. And when it comes to my mental illnesses, I have very self destructive tendencies. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I self isolate. It’s...problematic,” they sighed.

“Can I ask why ya’ never told any of us this before?” he asked, quietly.

Abel pushed themselves back so they could meet Mammon’s gaze. “I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about it before. I was always the one who took care of everyone else and their problems...I didn’t have the strength or resources to take care of my own, so I just hid it. And dealt with it when and how I could in private.” Abel shifted uncomfortably and hugged themselves. “My entire life has taught me not to show negative emotions to others. I exist to help them, not be a burden to them. So, at my lowest, I just fake being what everyone expects me to always be, push those feelings aside, and just...suffer when I’m alone.”

Mammon grabbed their shoulders a bit rougher than he meant to. “Ya’ don’t have to suffer, and ya’ don’t have to do this alone!” His face was red and there were tears in his eyes. “I dunno what yer life was like before ya’ came here, but there are people here for ya’, Abel. We all care about ya’. I-I care about ya’!” He pulled them into another tight hug. “Yer not a burden. I’m here for ya, Abel,” he whispered.

Abel began crying again and hugged him tightly in return.

Mammon > Lucifer

Mammon: idk if ya need to put this in their file er somethin, but Abel has anxiety and depression and gets self destructive

Lucifer: I was aware they had anxiety, but the rest is surprising.

Lucifer: What do you mean by self destructive? Is Abel alright?

Mammon: they don’t eat or sleep, and self isolate when things get bad

Mammon: i got 'em to eat some snacks and they fell asleep watchin a movie with me

Lucifer: Thank you, Mammon. I knew I was right in choosing you to look after them.

Mammon: *blush demoji*

[angelicjadamv]

The story so far

One month after graduating high school in 2015 I was finally able to move away from my family. I was 18 and moved to California for college. Fortunately one of the scholarships I earned was accompanied by a summer program that started in the middle of the summer before fall semester. Shortly after settling in a safe, stable environment for the first time in my life I started to get better. A lot better at first. Then life happened, as it does, and 18 years of repressed trauma and abuse broke me. My nervous breakdown ruined my fall semester, I couldn't go to classes or take exams or function as a student anymore. Until this point, being an exceptional student was all I had and basically how I survived. My safe and stable environment now was dependant on maintaining a certain GPA, among other requirements I could no longer meet. I failed one of my main courses because I had a 0 on 2 exams, including the final. When I went home I was put on antipsychotics. Returning to campus for the 2016 spring semester, I attempted to seek more therapy. I wasn't successful in finding a good therapist (for me, therapy is a personal thing. Just because someone isn't a good therapist for me doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad therapist). I did continue to see my 2 psychiatrists (emergency and regular) often as they attempted to adjust my medication to find something that work. My agoraphobia worsened, I stopped sleeping, I could barely eat, I was manic one moment and dissociative the next, SH and suicidal ideation worsened. I was a burden to my friends and loved ones. I made it through this because I had a beautiful support system that I will forever be grateful for, but I ended up taking a leave of absence academically for my second semester, earning no credits and putting my scholarships at further jeopardy. I was allowed to stay on campus because it was clear I was dangerously unstable with no safe environment to return to and because I had incredible advocates looking out for me. I had realized that I wasn't going to get better in time to salvage my academic career and my life, and was mostly clueless as to how I would survive. I had had an internship in my field since I started college, but I earned basically no money. STEM internships aren't really made to be livable for undergrads, so I had mostly been working for experience in a field I would no longer be able to progress in. Bummer. My physical health had taken a huge dive for all of 2016. I basically always knew I was chronically ill, but I had been abused and gaslit my entire life to believe and act like I was fine, I was just a weak baby, I didn't know what real pain or suffering was, seizures were to be ignored, no I didn't have migraines or pinched nerves (um hello SCOLIOSIS), etc etc. And 2016 was the year my body finally started to break, so I knew "regular" jobs weren't going to be a viable option for me, at least not for long.

And thus I became a survival SW. I stayed in college for a final semester, because I didn't want to miss my friends, I loved my campus and didn't know where else to live, I still needed a lot of campus resources. I also kept my internship as long as I could, because I knew I would miss it for the rest of my life. I didn't really go to classes, again, because as much as a desperately wanted to and as much as my advisors moved heaven and earth to try to make it work for me, I couldn't handle it. I was finally able to find 2 great therapists who I started seeing regularly who actually knew how to diagnose and treat me, one at school and one outside. This is also when I met Daddy (Jace) online. After talking for what is probably a stupidly short time, we fell in love and started dating. This is honestly my first real relationship and time actually catching genuine feelings for someone, something that I hadn't thought I was capable of. Despite being happier than I had ever been in so many ways, my mental and physical health was still steadily declining. My migraines and pain were getting worse, I hadn't been able to eat normally in months and relied entirely on medication to eat or sleep at all. Many people recommended mmj at this point in my life, but I was afraid of how it would interact with my other meds. I only smoked occasionally at parties at this point (because no way was I spending my super duper limited money on weed). I wonder if medicating with something that actually worked well for me, like weed, would have allowed me to finish college. Oh well I guess. Because of my inability to attend classes, I had to take another leave for the fall semester 2016. I worked at a strip club briefly, but my health couldn't handle it for long.

I didn't want to go home for the first winter break in 2015, but campus closed and I had nowhere else to go. It was turbulent. When summer 2016 came, I still didn't go home despite having no place to stay. Until a month or so later, it was revealed to me a relative had terminal cancer. I had to go home again. It was worse than turbulent. When winter 2016 came, my relative was in much worse condition. They only had a few months left, and this was probably my last chance to say goodbye. This visit was by far the most traumatic, and more because of my parents than watching a loved one die. At least Jace was able to come meet me for the first time in person. He also got to meet my relative before they passed 🖤

Freshly fucked up by family, I retuned to California at the beginning of 2017. I was mostly taking a break from SW because of my health and was working vanilla jobs as I could (so not much). I had a pretty decent job that I was really good at and had been promoted, but then my relative passed. I started losing consciousness again ( I had many seizures and fainting spells in my childhood and during high school) and had to quit my job. the funeral was in spring 2017, I flew to Jersey to be with Daddy for a few days and then he drove me several states over for the memorial. That was the last time I saw my family. I wanted to transition to online/content creating, but I had no tech knowledge or equipment (even my phone was a potato). In high school I wasn't allowed to have a smartphone, most social media other than what was heavily monitored (and still had 0 experience with platforms sw is popular on besides Tumblr I guess), I didn't really know much about cameras. Way too sheltered and broken to feel like I could start anything. I was now seeing my outside, or I guess regular and only, therapist twice a week and doing treatments that while working for me were insanely (literally) hard. I had been able to get an apartment with roommates at a super discount in return for taking care of their crazy dog, which was a win win for me (he was a good boi just crazy from a bad past and had the worst separation anxiety). The agreement was that I would live with them until the lease was up in September, and then we would reevaluate the situation. Then they both got promoted at their mega corporation jobs. And after their wedding found a really gorgeous apartment in a much fancier part of the city, and paid to break our lease early in June leaving me homeless. I had been fired from my last 2 jobs (probably for being disabled because California is at will employment but who knows I might have been fired from the nanny job because the husband wanted to fuck me). I had no money or anywhere to go. All of my friends were almost as broke as me, so while I had offers to couchsurf at a few of their places they had other roommates who would have been pissed and in a few months they would be going back to school anyways. Daddy and I had been trying to save up to move in together for months, but he was going to move to California. We didn't have any money for that, so instead he asked me to move in with him in New Jersey. Leaving meant I lost my health insurance and my therapist. It was supposed to be much more temporary and we were supposed to move back to California much sooner than we were able to. I try not to be mad at those roommates because being angry doesn't change anything, but it really sucked.

Moving in with Daddy meant we could start our blog! And I was super happy at first, the happiest I could ever remember. But the years had been too hard and my health started to get worse than ever before. Without treatment and so traumatized, my brain and body were constantly at war. I would wake with splitting migraines, throwing up, my chronic pain became completely unmanageable. I started to need weed all the time because it was the only thing that stopped my cyclical vomiting episodes and kept me out of the hospital. My antipsychotics and other meds had been high-key fucking me up (probably shouldn't have been on them in the first place, thank you doctor who also ignored my seizures even when I had one in front of you) and were almost impossible to come off of because the withdrawals. (Seriously, kicking xanax was easier for me than my antipsychotics.) I'm not anti medication or anything, I just know the ones I was on were not good for me anymore. I'd actually like to be on something again, I just need a doctor who actually understands PTSD and DID.

My health continued to be shit for most of 2018, with several ER visits for severe dehydration from vomiting for days on end. We started to make videos and do snapchat and online sessions to be able to make ends meet. Despite being in the worst situation and thus everything being a trizillion times harder, we really loved (and still love 😇) doing SW and creating content. Our fans and clients have been there in some of our darkest moments, just being lovely or pulling through for us when we needed it most. During 2018 and 2019 I became actively suicidal for the first time since I was 13. I struggled with self harm again. I have gotten worse than I ever thought possible. But I wouldn't have made it at all if it wasn't for SW, this community and our supporters.

At the beginning of 2020 we were finally able to move back to California. Obviously, the pandemic severely disrupted many of our plans, especially regarding my recovery. Despite things being delayed or shifted, we are in a much better place currently. I have what I need to get better and I can build a support system again. I will get better.

Talking about things is hard for me. Being open and honest is hard for me. For 18 years I was trained and abused to not be sad or show negative feelings, or talk about upsetting things, and it has been killing me slowly my entire life. I genuinely don't want pity or to make others feel bad, but I do want to give you the chance to get to know me. I don't always talk about things so much. But I'm trying to get better at it.

[threeletterslife]

02 | Over the Moon

→ previous | next

→ summary: You feel isolated in the vast American country with no one but your older brother and your six rowdy friends to keep you company. But when they disappear without a trace, you're left with nothing. Nothing until you become dragged into the world of the mob. The mafia world promises glory, fame and big bucks. But that comes with backstabbing, pain, regret and vengeance behind the veils. You're not ready for that alone. Are you?

→ genre: 85% angst, 15% fluff | mafia!au

→ warnings: profanity, scarification, mention of black market, drinking

→ wordcount: 8.1k

You wake up feeling sticky, sweaty, uncomfortable and fucking miserable.

You've never had a proper hangover before, but honestly, you can safely and surely say that this was the first and worst hangover you've ever had. Hopefully the last.

It almost becomes hard to remember the short events that had happened after you'd drunken that clear, devilish liquid, but you force yourself to salvage a few bits and parts. Not that it matters anyways. The conversations at the dinner table last night had been shallow, small talk at best. Rather uncomfortable small talk as well.

Something about the six men was not right.

You shake your head, coughing to get rid of your dry, scratchy throat. A glass of water had been left by Jimin's bed, on the nightstand. You thankfully gulp it down, hoping it washes down the rest of whatever's left of that stupid drink out of your system.

Slowly, you rise out of bed, dragging your feet to catch sight of yourself in the mirror. It shocks you—though it really shouldn't have—that you look like a trainwreck. You're wearing what you wore yesterday, but the clothes are wrinkled, wet from your sweat and (you're not gonna lie) kinda stinky. Your hair looks like a bird's nest and your eyebags are dragging your whole face down.

No surprise, but I look like shit.

You also make the acute observation that you feel like shit as well. The headache you have right now is the worst you've had in your whole life, and that's including the headaches you've harbored during finals in university. Not to mention, you're kind of hungry.

Maybe if you walk around the maze-like hallways enough, you'll come across the kitchen. It'll be like a little morning journey. But when you glance at the clock, you realize it's actually much closer to noon than morning. And by the time you find the kitchen, it might even be time for dinner.

So, quickly, you brush your hair, change out of your clothes into the new ones that had magically been placed in the marble closet and exit your room. Only when you step outside and close the door do the memories come crashing down on you.

Jimin's dead. Murdered. Nonexistent. The only member of family you had left in America, obliterated. This is a mafia house. And you're only here to make a decision, which you still haven't even come to a close to.

All of these six men (your ex-friends) could be murderers—dangerous, brooding people who you want nothing to do with. But you have no choice to be by their side or you'll be killed too. Even worse. Those people had been your closest friends. And now you can barely recognize them. It's like their human soul had melted away, replaced by some robotic heart instead. You can't quite trust them, but they're the only ones you have to trust.

You're in a mess. You can't deny that.

Helplessly, you slide down to the ground, crouching to hug yourself.Fuck. You're twenty-three and should be able to take care of yourself, but right now, you feel like you can't do anything. You're the stupid mouse stuck in an elaborate trap. It's an epiphany for too early.

You find yourself sobbing quietly, cradling your head in your arms as you empty out your chaotic feelings in tears. It must've been minutes, and you've quieted down—hiccupping and sniffling occasionally but at least with steady breaths.

It's okay.You tell yourself.You'll be okay. They're not bad people, your ex-friends. They would definitely keep you safe no matter what, especially if Jimin stressed it so much in his will. Jimin's dead and I can't change that. I'll hurt myself more if I don't accept it. I need to do what's right for me now.

You take a final deep breath before you struggle to stand up. But just as you're about to walk away like you didn't have a mental breakdown right then and there, you hear... crying?And that's definitely not you.

The sound's coming from another door right across yours. Curious and still hazy from the hangover, you tiptoe over. Pressing your ear against the door, you frown. That was clearly some heavy, depressing sobbing. The same sobbing you'd heard a lot of times growing up.

You knock on the door.

Instantly, the crying stops. Jungkook swings the door open with such force, you almost fall into the room. Looking up at him, you see that he looks perfectly fine, and if he had been crying, you could barely tell. He looks down at you with such a stoic face, you almost feel a bit intimidated.

"Hey, you okay?" you ask, trying not to sound so broken despite your internal struggles.

Your heart drops when he frowns. "Why wouldn't I be?" He searches your face, watches as you blink your slightly wet eyes, notices your sniffling nose. "Are you okay?"

"Well... I mean, not really..." You brush it off. "But uh, I heard you cry, Jungkook."

If he wasn't slightly agitated before, he was now; actually, he seemed more pissed off as if you were the thick-headed one. "That wasn't me," he grunts.

"But—"

Then you get the door slammed in your face.

You huff, whirling around too quickly before steadying yourself. "Fucking migraine," you mumble, taking more deep breaths.

'That wasn't me' my ass, you think. Only Jungkook cries like that. He'd cried like that when he didn't make the varsity tennis team in high school. When his stray cat had been run over by an evil vehicle. When he got the news that his mother passed away in Korea. And he'd always let you comfort him when he was feeling down. Now apparently he thinks he's too good for your affirmations.

You huff again.Whatever. To forget about that rude encounter, you decide to go on an exciting journey to the kitchen. Minding your dizziness, you saunter off, taking random turns around the halls. It takes a while, but you finally find yourself in the kitchen.

Once again, the interior designs take your breath away. So does the smell.Someone must've been cooking.

When you stop admiring the surroundings, you notice that Seokjin's sitting at the kitchen island. In front of him are steaming plates of what looks like the best hangover breakfast-er, lunch anyone can ask for—Korean style.

"Sleep well?" He breaks the silence. "Oh, and uh," he points to the dishes of food, "I wasn't sure if you still preferred Korean cuisine over American... But I went with your roots."

You nod slowly. "Thank you. I slept as well as anyone does when they drank too much alcohol... or found out their brother was dead," you say, shrugging. "You're not eating?"

"I already ate. We all did. We didn't want to wake you up. Sorry about the Everclear," Seokjin apologizes genuinely. "Usually it takes thirty minutes for it to knock us out, so we thought we'd have more time to get you in bed. The hangover must be horrible."

"It's okay," you say though you still feel weary. "Everything else feels worse. I think the hangover just enhances it."

With that, you begin to eat. The food is actually incredibly delicious, making you miss your mom's cooking back in Korea. You give your compliments to Seokjin, who gladly takes them with open arms. You eat in silence, nodding or shaking your head as Seokjin asks respectful questions. After the friendly one-sided talk, you express your gratitude for the lunch to Jin (he had been waiting for you in the kitchen, after all) and you begin to walk to your room (which you had asked Jin for directions).

You're feeling much better than you were when you woke up, but yesterday's events still loom over your head.

You nearly collapse on the plush bed when you enter your room. But when your head hits the pillow, it also hits something hard. "Ow," you mutter, frowning. Was this there before?You guess you hadn't noticed it when you were passed out drunk. But now...?

Reaching under the pillow, your hand touches a leather binding. You pull the object out to inspect it, only to see a journal of some sort. The black leather is soft and weathered, and the journal pages look very much used. If this journal was a private diary, it didn't seem like it because it wielded no lock.

You look around your empty room in suspicion. Just in case someone were to pop out of nowhere and see you clutching this mysterious journal.

The very first page is one of those parts in any diary that states who the diary belongs to. And your heart nearly sinks to your stomach when you see the neat handwriting scrawled across the page.

This notebook belongs to Park Jimin, it says. Your eyes tear up just thinking about his name, and your fingers caress the thin pages of paper. It's the notebook that your brother had used to write down his thoughts, his memories...

God. I can't continue on.

You slam the diary, journal or notebook—whatever it really is—shut, hugging it to your chest as you sink back into the bed. You really can't do that to yourself now. There's too much to think about already.

You'll read it when the time comes. When you feel ready—emotionally stable enough—to read the thoughts of your dead brother. For now, you'll have to wait. Wait until you feel less miserable, less confused, more put together. But you don't think you can ever be truly happy again without your brother.

It hurts even more that you had never gotten a chance to say a proper goodbye. And maybe that leather-bound notebook will give you answers? You don't know.

You feel tired already, though it's nowhere near nighttime. So you cry yourself to sleep, keeping the journal in your arms. Just keeping it by your side makes you feel like he's with you, and that you're not completely alone, after all.

Spending one whole week in a mafia home doesn't reveal anything, you've found. Jimin's six friends live a quite pretentious life, but it's nothing that's completely abnormal. There is no gun violence, no drug trading, no black market... well, that you know of. And you've been keeping an eagle eye on all of their whereabouts. So either you were stupidly oblivious or they were just good at hiding things.

For seven days you lived routinely. You can't afford to take another surprise after the surprise that was your brother's murder. In fact, the pain's reduced to an uncomfortable, numb feeling at the pit of your stomach that never goes away. Still, you're not weak. You plow through the minor pain, the emotional turmoil because that's what Jimin would've done.

You pretend you're okay in front of the others. It's probably the worst thing to do to show your vulnerability to gang members, anyway. And speaking of the gang members... it's strange. In one way, they seem so different from the people you were best friends with in your childhood. But in another... they're also completely the same.

Seokjin had always been a rather quiet leader—whether he liked it or not, people were inclined to follow him. Back then, he would always be team captain in junior high sports games or the orchestrater in any group project. But now... you had a huge suspect he was the so-called 'boss' of this gang. He was always a warm figure in your past. Comforting, caring, compassionate. He seems to be all these things now too. Yet somehow... he's also so cold. He smiles and it stretches his lips, makes his eyes sparkle, but something in you tells you it's not as genuine as you would like it to be.

Then there's Namjoon. He's actually the first friend Jimin made in America, thus the first friend you made in America as well. He was always so dedicated to research, born with this innate intelligence that made him literally unmatched in junior high and high school academics. No one could beat him in the math club or debate club... or Science Olympiad. He was the logic of the group as you remember, a role that matured on him quickly. One time you walked in on him in eighth grade playing chess by himself—to beat himself. But aside from his naturally pedantic self, Joon was more compassionate than he let on.Joon. The nickname Jimin had used to call him. It's a name that doesn't fit him now. Not when his presence in any room brings chills to your skin. Or maybe you're imagining it?

Yoongi doesn't seem like he's changed much, but only because you never really got to know him. The only memories you have of him are Yoongi sitting quietly in the corner, watching the seven of you bicker. It amused him to be observing hilarious banter—banter that he never took part in. He was naturally a bit shy and indifferent, but you know he really cares when he worries about you. He'd be the first to hand anyone a box of chocolates or a store-bought lollipop if they felt down. Yoongi had been the first to approach Jungkook after he had gotten news that his mother had died. Now? You can't tell if he's changed much. Other than the fact that his stoic face looks more tired than you remembered it years ago.

Hoseok is a different story. It's like he's changed the most out of everyone. You always knew he had firm opinions, but he never bothered to voice them as a kid. Unable to understand the language of sarcasm, he had always been teased by you and the other boys in the early years. Now, it seems like if anyone teased him of anything he'd snap and yell. And boy, he looks fucking scary when he's angry or even serious. These days, it looks as if he has absolutely no trouble at all voicing his thoughts. And sometimes, his sharp tongue gets him in trouble during 'family time' meals.

Taehyung was always kind of loud, sassy and outgoing, and he still is. Except you think he now has some infatuation with females. It's easy for him to start talking about all the hot ones he saw while working his shift in the restaurant. Though the talk makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, it's still a nice break from the other men who are so damn serious. It's weird that sometimes, you find yourself searching for Taehyung's company these days. You, of all people, searching for someone else? Unheard of. Until now.

Ah, Jungkook. He's the boy you remember as the most empathetic person you've ever met. When you were thirteen and fell off your bike after Taehyung told you he'd do your math homework if you rode your bicycle with your eyes closed, Jungkook cried with you. Like hell, you'd taken quite a fall, and that bloody cut was fucking painful—you still remember. And it was like Jungkook felt your pain. He feels everyone's pain. It's only sad because you think he's trying to repress his empathy these days. You recall when he had slammed the door in your face because you had rightfully accused him of crying over Jimin's death. He used to wear his heart on his sleeve, but now he's trying to be stoic. And maybe for a good reason.

You just wonder what Jimin's like. If he had changed as drastically as Hoseok or as little as Yoongi. Maybe like everyone else he got a little bit colder? More merciless? The thought chills you, though you're ready to know.

Making yourself comfortable in your bed, you pull out Jimin's black notebook. It feels heavy in your hands. You take a deep breath, then open it to the second page, where the first entry is.

Immediately, you recognize the handwriting, and you find yourself fighting the urge to tear up again. The date of this entry is the year he had dropped out of college and disappeared. You steady your breaths, and finally, begin to read the neat writing.

I can’t believe I’m in the mafia. I mean, I’ve thought about it for years, wondered what it would be like... if I’d even feel a difference. But I don’t. I feel the same. But this blood that courses through my veins... It doesn’t belong to me anymore. It belongs to us all. The Crescents. Beautiful name, isn’t it? Joon and I came up with it years ago and decided it was finally time to put it to use. It’s my dream come true, actually. Being in the mafia with the people I would die for. I’m ready for anything with these six people by my side. 

You stop. There's a certain eagerness in Jimin's voice that hurts when you come across it. Warmth blossoms in your heart when you see how much love and trust he puts in his friends. It's Jimin's voice, alright. The passion, determination, love is all there.

The entry is rather long, but you just can't bring yourself to read the rest. Not when it brings back so many memories... No, I'll go reverse chronological order. Maybe in the later entries, Jimin will sound less recognizable; it won't make you as sad to read it. You'll come back to this first entry later. But definitely not now.

You breathe out a breath you hadn't even known you'd held. And the emotion you feel next is something you didn't expect.Anger.

What kind of fucktard in their right mind would kill someone like him? Someone innocent, kind, passionate, diligent? Someone who had such big dreams coupled with a heart bigger than anyone else's?? Jimin's eyes were always shining with curiosity or determination. What would it feel like to be the person who rid him of that sparkle?

Your blood boils just thinking about it. Twenty-four is too young to fucking die. Your head hurts as you close the diary shut.

Now it's in your best interest to stay... to join.You want revenge on the bitch that killed your brother, and you can't do that all by yourself. Seokjin was offering you help for vengeance. And a week later, you realize that you need just that.

You feel so much better finally making the executive decision. It's like the massive weight on your shoulders had been lifted, magically.

When dinner time comes, you parade into the dining room, feeling confident (which was probably fueled by your anger). "I want to join you."

Taehyung gives you a funny look. "Sure? The wine's here if you want a drink."

You shake your head, frustrated. "No, I want to join... I want to be a part of your gang."

Everyone except Seokjin raises an eyebrow.

"And that's... not an impulse decision?" Namjoon asks, sipping his wine.

"It's... Yeah, it's not an impulse decision."

Seokjin nods, thoughtfully. "Great, Y/N." Everyone watches as he carefully thinks of his next words. "You may sit and eat, now."

What?

You'd spent a week deciding, and that was his reaction? You still don't know anything about this gang (which is a huge risk on your part), and you decided to join. And that's how he's going to react?

You watch everyone else's faces, but they're as unreadable as ever. Frustration ensues as the rest of dinner goes on as if the declaration of your decision had not happened. Feeling a little neglected and pissed off, you poke at your sushi the whole time.

Only when Jungkook and Taehyung start taking the dishes away does Seokjin mysteriously show up by your side. "Follow me, Y/N."

"Just me?" you whisper, though you don't know why.

Jin nods, helping you stand up as he swiftly guides you away from the dining hall. He leads you, hand on your back, to the enormous patio in the backyard. It's not chilly out, thanks to the California weather, but you shiver at the weight of Jin's gaze on you.

It's silent for a while as both of you collect your thoughts. Then Seokjin speaks. "I just wanted to make sure you know the commitments of being involved in us."

"Well, I wouldn't know because it was never specified," you say a bit crossly. "I'm blindly joining, you know? For the sake of Jimin. I'm getting my revenge."

"Ah, my apologies," Jin says. "You'll be informed of your exact commitments later, but what comes first is your oath. We're a family around here as you know..."

You let out an embarrassing gasp when he tugs his t-shirt down so suddenly. Jin chuckles at your reaction before guiding your eyes to the mark... burned on his collarbone.

"Well, that's not a normal tattoo."

Jin laughs quietly. "It's our gang symbol. A crescent-shaped scar that ties us all together. We're called the Crescents."

But you knew that already.

"Oh," you breathe. The scar looks delicate, not larger than a thumb for that matter. But it holds heavy meaning and you tremble slightly as you stare at it in awe. "Does... Does everyone have that?"

"In different places, of course," Jin nods before straightening his shirt, hiding his mark from view.

Your voice shakes as you ask, "Where's Jimin's?"

"I knew you'd ask that," Jin smiles. "It was on the back of his neck. And before you ask why, it was so we would always be watching his back for him... Granted, we... w-we failed." You hear a slight tremble in Jin's voice. "The biggest regret of my life."

You suck in a breath, contemplating whether you should pat his shoulder to comfort him or not. The usually stoic and guarded Seokjin was showing emotion, a rather rare sight. But it's gone as fast as it came.

"Anyways," Jin says, clearing his throat. "We'll have your ceremony soon. Don't worry," he smiles, one foot already inside the house, "the scarification doesn't hurt that much." With that, he walks away, leaving you outside in the night, alone, curious and mystified.

Am I making a mistake?

When Seokjin had told you with his soft-spoken voice that the ceremony would be 'soon,' you'd expected it to be in a few days, or even in a week, tops. You did not expect it to be the very next day.

In fact, you were totally taken by surprise when Jungkook had woken you up quite nicely and told you to get ready for the ceremony. He'd left the room while you changed and freshened up, but you took so long getting ready, he almost opened up the door to check on you. But what can you say? You were stalling for a reason.

Partly, you were afraid of the physical pain. You had tried to ask Jungkook how much scarification actually hurt, but he'd told you not to worry about it.Bullshit answer. But another, deeper part of you feared what the scarification would symbolize... This was it, right? You were going to leave your past life and enter the mafia world. The world that killed your brother.

And you weren't going to leave until you got your revenge.

"Y/N?" Jungkook calls, shaking you from your thoughts. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," you call back, running a hand through your hair. You're terrified, but you won't be able to show it.

Jungkook peeks his head into your room, giving you a reassuring smile. "Ready?"

You nod. "Mhm."

"There's nothing to be afraid of, really," he tells you as he opens your door a bit wider. From behind him, you can see Taehyung grinning right at you.

"If this big baby can do it," Taehyung snorts, pointing at Jungkook, "then so can you."

Jungkook gives Taehyung a disdainful look, which sends Taehyung into a fit of laughter. You appreciate that they're trying to alleviate the obvious tension on your shoulders, but unfortunately, you're not sure if you'll ever feel relaxed again.

"C'mon, Y/N. They're waiting for us," Tae announces, bowing dramatically before jutting out his hand for you to take. You hesitate for the slightest second before you take it.

From there, Jungkook and Taehyung guide you around the winding halls of the mansion. By now, you would've thought you'd get used to the size to some degree, but the home is apparently way larger than you thought. Past at least twenty doors and fourteen thousand medieval portraits later, you were standing in a large basement.

The room glowed a warm, amber color, but you didn't feel warm at all. When you catch sight of the wall with all sorts of sharp metal welding sticks, you take a terrified step back, accidentally bumping into Jungkook. He places a reassuring hand on your back, but it does little to calm your nerves.

"Relax, Y/N," Seokjin says. Your head snaps up to look at the man who had spoken, and your face is stoic but your eyes hold terror. It's then when you realize everyone else is in the room.

Of course. It's a ceremony. Can't have a goddamn ceremony without other people.

"Here, Y/N. You can sit here," Jin says as he gestures to a comfy-looking seat that was placed in the middle of the room. "It'll hurt less than getting an actual tattoo."

"But I've never gotten an actual tattoo before..." you mumble as you cautiously take your seat. Even though the cushion is plush, you still sit rigidly.

"Don't worry. It'll be fine. High pain tolerance?" Yoongi asks.

"Uh... I dunno," you answer truthfully. "Not really."

"You'll be fine," Hoseok sighs. "It's only strike branding, so the heat will be gone as soon as it came. It'll take anywhere from half a year to a year for it to heal completely, though. Anyway, the feeling's enough to make you regret it, but it'll be over in a few seconds."

His words do not calm you. As per usual.

"Yoongi will be orchestrating the scarification," Seokjin says. "Nimble fingers. He'll try to make it quick, right?"

"Yeah, right," Yoongi mutters. "Where do you want it?"

"What about under your boob? That's trendy these days." Taehyung snickers, nudging Jungkook who breaks a small smile.

You frown, just about to give him a piece of your mind when—

"Get out," Namjoon growls.

"Can't. Ceremonies are a family deal. Can't just kick out family, can you?" Taehyung snickers. "Besides, Y/N didn't mind. It was just an innocent joke."

"I'm not going to repeat myself," Namjoon warns. And the way he grits his teeth has you almost shaking in fear. But Taehyung doesn't seem to take the hint.

"Maybe you should go..." Jungkook whispers.

"Bullshit," Taehyung snorts. "Jin?"

Jin sighs as he looks warily at the trouble-causing man. "You can stay, but not another word."

Namjoon huffs and he rolls his eyes as Taehyung grins gleefully, making a motion of locking his lips and throwing away the key.

You watch the whole ordeal spread out before you, opened-mouthed. What the fuck just happened??

"Well?" Yoongi softly asks you as a reminder to answer.

"Uh, sorry," you hesitate. "I want it on the back of my neck."

Like Jimin's.

"Like Jimin's," Yoongi repeats your thoughts.

He watches as you shiver slightly in fear and for the slightest second, he feels pity. "If it helps you, you're welcome to close your eyes," Yoongi says. Still shaking, you nod, doing so. "Just... don't move."

"Okay," you squeak out.

You can feel Yoongi sweep your hair to the side, his warm, delicate fingers tracing the area on the back of your neck. You can feel goosebumps rise, and you pray that Yoongi doesn't see them.

"Take slow, deep breaths," Yoongi mutters.

Breathe, you tell yourself. If Jimin did it, I can.

The soft clinks of metal make your mind go foggy, and you can't seem to concentrate on anything except the imminent pain. You're shaking and you can feel your hands accumulating sweat.

"Relax..." Yoongi says. He waits for you to calm down for a few seconds before asking: "Ready?"

You grit your teeth, sit a bit taller, shut your eyes tighter and nod.

"Alright."

You gasp loudly and jump slightly when the searing heat touches the back of your neck. Immediately your face twists in pain, and you can't seem to catch your breath. You're seconds away from screaming that you want it to end when the scalding heat is gone. So you're left gasping, tears brimming your shut eyes as you feel Yoongi softly taking your hair and tying it up so it doesn't touch your burning skin.

"Don't drink too much alcohol or caffeine while that's healing," he instructs formally. But when he notices you're not answering, he asks, "Hey, are you okay?"

You exhale loudly, clenching your fists as your eyes flutter open. Your sight is a bit blurry through your tears, but you're pretty all right. Well, the back of your neck is killing you, though.

"I'm fine," you manage to mutter. "I'll live."

"Here," Yoongi says, handing you a tissue for your tears. "Congratulations, by the way."

Fuck. It's then when it really dawns on you.

"I'm a Crescent." You wipe the last of your tears away to see Seokjin smiling proudly at you.

"Welcome to the family, Y/N," Jin says. "How does it feel so far?"

You pause. Then, you frown. Compared to what Jimin had written what being a Crescent would feel like, you felt nothing special. You don't feel any different either, except for the stupid pain on the back of your neck. The world spins and you're left feeling dizzy.

What have I done?

"I..." you trail off. "Sorry, I think I need some time alone." With that, you dash away from the amber-lit basement and miraculously, find your room in a matter of minutes.

In the comforting depths of your room, you crawl into your bed and desperately pull out Jimin's journal. You need all the reassurance you can get. That this wasn't a mistake. That it was the right choice.

It had been cowardly of you to flee your new 'family' like that... but you couldn't bear to sit there with all the attention on you when you weren't even sure you'd made the right decision.

With shaking, careful hands, you flip to the last entry of Jimin's journal. Maybe this will offer a sort of relief? A break from the disaster that could be unfolding before your eyes. But as your eyes start to take in the words that Jimin had written in his journal, your faith in your decision fades. You are not relieved. You are horrified.

Cold day today. California shouldn’t be this fucking cold. It’s harder to get the job done when my mind’s only focused on how freezing my toes are. Too many things to do, such little time.Don’t remember the last time I got rest. Tae wants the three of us hitmen to go get a drink at the bar. I’m not feeling too particularly down for it. Knowing JK though, he’d do whatever Tae suggests. Guess I’ll go then. Have to get ourselves mentally ready for tomorrow, anyway. Can’t afford to get wasted. Maybe I’ll switch Tae and JK’s drinks out with water and tell them it’s Everclear. Won’t be the first time I’ve done it. I have a feeling it won’t be the last. 

You stare at the short journal entry in shock.

What... What was this?

The emotion, the passion, the light, the love is nowhere in the writing. Your brother had sounded tired and it was depicted in his rather messy scrawl. Usually, his handwriting was so neat.

Now you're having second thoughts. How much did Park Jimin change? How could the man who had written this entry be the same boyish brother you'd known for nearly all your life?

He sounds so cold and distant that you feel cold and distant as well. What had the mafia done to him?

Oh god. What have I gotten myself into? Can I back out? Is it too late?

The only reassurance you had is shattered.

The knock on the door also shatters your thoughts.

You quickly drop Jimin's journal, stashing it away under your pillow as you look at your closed door with alertness. There's another knock when you don't answer the first time.

"Hey, Y/N? You there?" Taehyung calls. "I'm sorry about that joke earlier... if that's what made you uncomfortable enough to run away."

Shit.

That's Taehyung. And there's no doubt that Jungkook's with him too.

You feel like you'd just been caught gossiping about both of them behind their backs. Well, it wasn't completely false. It'd just been revealed to you that those two are hitmen... And your brother hadn't been particularly fond of their antics. Besides, it sounded a lot like Jimin had to pick up after Jungkook and Taehyung's messes.

But you bite your lip and force yourself to respond. "I'm here," you call out dejectedly. "And you're fine... I wasn't that offended."

"Well, Y/N, we, uh... we're here to escort you to a meeting," Jungkook says. "You know, since you're..." he trails off.

"Right," you mumble. "Just... wait a minute. Please."

Hurriedly, you try to redo your hair in a messy bun and straighten out your clothes. Hopefully, it doesn't look like you've just had a midlife crisis. You take a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm down your spiked heart rate. Then, you come out of your room looking pretty put-together.

"You good?" Jungkook whispers. "Your face is a bit red." He reaches over to place the back of his hand to your forehead, but you flinch away.

"No, I'm fine," you quickly say. "I don't have a fever."

Jungkook nods quietly and steps back to give you some space.

If Jungkook was offended by the way you flinched away from him, he didn't show it. If Taehyung was mad that you left suddenly after your ceremony, he made no mention of it. The usually chatty Taehyung was actually pretty quiet the whole walk to this meeting place. And it was a good thing too. The silence lets you drown in your thoughts.

Who can you trust now?

As you, Jungkook and Taehyung approach a room with large, mahogany doors, you can hear broken arguments being yelled at inside. The yelling makes you frown and you perk your ears to listen closely. You're able to make out words but not the speakers.

"We haven't had a new member in six years. She can't possibly adjust to this new life! She's not like us! She had no desire for this and you know that!"

"She's with us now. We just had the ceremony for fuck's sake!"

"SHE FLED FROM HER OWN CEREMONY!"

"THE MARK IS STILL EMBEDDED IN HER SKIN!"

The last statement sends a twinge of pain to the burn on your neck and you almost step back at the force of the words. It sounds like some people don't want you here.

You look to Jungkook and Taehyung to see their reactions, but they're as stoic as ever. Instead, Taehyung knocks loudly on the doors and the bickering voices dwindle to a pause.

The doors slowly open and behind them, you're able to make out the four others. Yoongi looks pissed off, Hoseok's red in the face and Namjoon looks very annoyed. Seokjin is the only one who seems to have kept his composure in the argument.

"Welcome, Y/N," Jin speaks. If they suspected you heard their arguments, they didn't make a show of it. "As you may know... well," he trails off, smiling fondly at you. "We'll continue this discussion somewhere more private."

You frown in utter confusion until Namjoon presses a hidden button somewhere on the wall and enters a code on a number pad that appeared out of nowhere. A whole new door opens up before you.

A secret room?

"Come," Jin says as he smoothly walks into the new room. You follow hesitantly with Jungkook and Taehyung by your side.

The other room is completely white minus the large table and chairs in the center. As soon as everyone steps in, Jungkook shuts the door, which disappears into the wall. Now, it looks like there's no escape from the blinding whiteness of the room. You feel like you're reduced to dirt in this vast oblivion, and Jin must've sensed your uncomfortableness.

"Here, Y/N. You can sit here," Jin gestures to one of the chairs beside the power seat. "No worries. This is just a soundproof room we use to discuss our matters." He smiles at you again. "I think it's time we finally tell you more about us."

"I think it's about time too," you mumble as you slide into your seat.

You had never been one to make such impulsive decisions... And even though you'd been pondering whether to join the Crescents for a week, you still feel as if your decision had been on a complete whim. That impulse had definitely been fueled by your desire for vengeance. Without knowing anything about this gang except the members involved and the name of it, you've joined. And now their mark is burning in the back of your neck.

"Well, what would you like to know?" Seokjin asks. He motions for everyone else to take their seats and they do, obediently. "We have all the answers."

You raise your eyebrows. "What... well... What are the Crescents?"

"That's ambiguous, don't you think?" Hoseok snorts. "We're a lot of things."

"We're a small gang, as you can see," Jin says, ignoring Hoseok's snarky comment. "We try to stray from street violence as an unspoken rule. And well, we make our immense profits through the black market."

Your face scrunches.The black market, huh?

"We don't engage in prostitution or drug dealing, if that's what you're thinking," Namjoon says. "Though I can only speak for myself." He glares at Taehyung who rolls his eyes so hard they disappear up his head for a few seconds.

"Yoongi and I are in charge of the sales," Hoseok sighs, shrugging. "Not the best job. But not the worst."

"The sale of what?" you ask. But you don't know if you want an answer.

"Sale of weapons, of course," Taehyung grins. "We have good connections everywhere."

Ah. Things are starting to click. Of course, arms dealing would make a lot of money—especially in the mafia.

"But sometimes, JK and I get to test these weapons out..." Taehyung smiles. "Only if Boss permits it."

Boss?

Your head whirls with all sorts of new information that had been kept from you until now.

"You're... You're the boss." You look at Seokjin dead in the eye, cocking your head.

"Was I that obvious?" he chuckles. "And since you've figured me out, I'll indulge you in the rest. You see, Namjoon's the underboss. Yoongi and Hoseok are right under him as our dealers... And Jungkook and Taehyung are our hitmen."

Right... Of course. Now it was all too obvious. But...

"What am I gonna do?" you ask.

"Nothing," Namjoon quickly says. "You won't have to do anything."

"She's a Crescent now," Hoseok snaps. "She's responsible for something."

Before Namjoon retorts back, Jin cuts in. "You'll be working alongside Yoongi and Hoseok, Y/N. We were hoping that your master's degree in economics will help us out." He notices your hesitation again. "Don't worry. It's not a dangerous job at all. Yoongi and Hoseok will teach you the ins and outs of it, soon."

You nervously look over at Yoongi and Hoseok who are apparently your new 'co-workers.' Yoongi's stoic as usual and Hoseok looks like he couldn't care less. Some welcoming new co-workers you have.

But it doesn't matter. You're here for one thing and one thing only.

"What are we going to do to avenge Jimin's death?" you say, crossing your arms. "I want to take part in that."

"Of course," Jin nods. "Soon. It'll be very soon."

The last time Jin had claimed something would be soon, it had been the very next day. You feel just a little bit calmer when you realize you might be getting your revenge sooner than you thought.

"Good..." you mumble. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

Hoseok laughs. "Oh, Y/N, we haven't even begun."

4 a.m.

You've been staring at the same damn ceiling for nearly two hours now, but you can't get yourself to fall back asleep or even get out of bed.

You try not to think too much about what you've gotten yourself into, but it's hard not to when you're all alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts. You can't take the stupid silence anymore.

Suddenly flinging the bed covers off, you get out of bed to reach under your mattress where Jimin's diary was. It's an instinctive, impulsive move that shocks you. The last time you'd read that diary, your hopes had shattered—your brother had felt foreign to you. But somewhere inside of you believed that if you continue reading, you'd be able to see the older brother you'd thought you'd known all your life. The more, the faster you read, the quicker you'll get to see the old Jimin. The one who wasn't tainted by the mafia. The one who didn't sound so cold. The one who you loved dearly.

So you immerse yourself into the words. The entries that Jimin had left (probably unknowingly) for you to read.

But time passes too slowly.

Maybe you're tired, or the writing is bland. You don't know. Whatever you're reading sounds too far off from your brother for you to fully believe in it. The events he describes seem to drag on endlessly without a peak in the story. Maybe you should just call it a day...?

But you don't feel tired. And your room isn't interesting to stare at after two hours of already doing so. You know what? I need to get out of this room.

You carefully tuck the diary back under your mattress and creep out of the room to find the hallways completely dark. There's something solemn about it, something you can't quite put a finger on. The place is so grand but there's an undeniable heaviness drenching the walls; or maybe that's just you, mourning over your brother. But being out of the confines of your room is better so you begin your little nighttime journey.

Honestly, you don't know where you're going. You're just letting your feet carry you as you try to keep your mind as blank as possible. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left. Right. Left. You stare at your feet as you mindlessly wander around the hallway.

It's actually quite a peaceful time, and you find yourself getting more tired by the minute as if the walking was lulling you to sleep. After taking a few more steps, you decide to just go back to your room and call it a night. Maybe you'll wake up the next day feeling a bit better?

Just as you're about to find your way back to your room, you hear voices. Loud, kind of pissed off, whispers. They are too muffled for you to make out what they are saying so you begin to tiptoe towards them.

When you come close enough to hear, you can also make out the presence of Yoongi and Namjoon. But you have to squint to see their facial expressions. Yoongi is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as Namjoon is frantically gesturing and pushing his hair back in frustration.

"She reminds me of him too much," Namjoon says, massaging his forehead.

"I know," Yoongi mumbles, sighing as he relaxes against the wall.

"Whenever I see her, I can't help but think of him and it's absolutely horrible. It's like the ghost of Park Jimin is walking down these halls... but it's just Y/N. Doesn't it hurt to look at her and see Jimin's face?"

"Of course it does," Yoongi sighs. "We can't do anything about it, though. Boss wants her here and so does everyone else."

"But you know what everyone else's intentions are," Namjoon scoffs. "Call him Seokjin, for god's sake, Yoongi. He's not even around."

"Fine. Seokjin wants her here."

"Yet she shouldn't even be here," Namjoon sighs.

"I know..."

"But you work with her now," Namjoon says. "You should do something. Get her to leave."

Yoongi sighs a second time. "As much as I'd want to, you know we can't."

"You're right..."

"I know that too," Yoongi sighs.

You frown as you watch the conversation unfold before you, wondering what on earth the intentions the others had. And it hurt to hear that you reminded Namjoon too much of your dead brother... After all, he was the man that your brother had cherished the most. But it wasn't your fault that you reminded them of Jimin. In fact, you were mourning just like they were.

So other than Namjoon and Yoongi, what was keeping the other men from agreeing to your stay? What were their intentions?

You're lightly surprised at yourself that you're not that infuriated by Namjoon nor Yoongi's words; but you realize that you're more saddened by the thought that your presence is actually hurting others, instead. Just when I thought I could have a relaxing night's sleep.

But maybe if you go to bed right now, you won't remember this ever happened? You're kidding yourself, but it had just been an excuse to get out of the dark halls at the ass crack of dawn. Of course, right when you turn to move, the floor creaks.

"Y/N?" Namjoon calls.

Shoot.

You freeze.

"We can see you," he says.

I guess there's no use hiding now. No use denying anything, either.

You hesitate for the slightest second before walking closer to the two men. "I heard you two," you confess, awkwardly putting your hands behind your back.

"We realize that now," Yoongi mutters under his breath.

"Listen," Namjoon sighs, scratching his head, awkwardly. "It's nothing against you, alright? Please, don't be mad, Y/N. I wanted you to leave because this is a dangerous business. You have to understand that we're asking you to risk your life every day."

"We're only saying this might not be the... correct lifestyle for you," Yoongi says. "It's been a lot to take in in such little time."

"Are you sure it's not because I remind you too much of Jimin?"

Namjoon visibly flinches, but Yoongi doesn't blink an eye. "We want you to be safe for Jimin's sake," the shorter man says as he readjusts his position leaning against the wall. "I just don't think he would've wanted you here."

"Wrong words," Namjoon groans, burying his face in his hands.

"Yeah..." you raise your eyebrows. "What do you mean? Jimin wrote in his will that he wanted me here. And I'm here to keep myself safe—that's what Jimin would've wanted."

Yoongi sighs. "Nevermind."

"You can't just drop a bomb on me and tell me it's nothing," you say. "You don't want me here for a reason and that reason is that I remind you of Jimin too much. You said the others have other intentions, which is why they agreed to keep me here. I want to know."

"I think you're overstepping your boundaries," Namjoon grunts. He suddenly towers over you, straightening his chest and back as he stares intimidatingly into your eyes. If he's using his position as the apparent underboss to scare you away, you're not going to back down. Instead, you take a step forward towards him.

"Boundaries?" you scoff. "What makes you think you can draw boundaries for me? I'm the one in charge of that."

"Both of you, calm down," Yoongi says. "Y/N, the rest of us wanted you here to honor Jimin's last wishes, all right? There's no need for a verbal fight. It's too early in the morning. You should go to bed."

Why does it feel like he's making up bullshit to get me to leave?

"I'll escort you back if you want," Namjoon offers, scratching the back of his head.

You shake your head, sighing. "I think I'll be fine, Namjoon. Besides, you don't want to be walking down a dark corridor at night with someone that looks like Jimin's ghost, do you?"

You don't let either of them speak another word as you whirl around and walk away.

—previous | next

—masterpost

—masterlist

[dolandazeee]

A Fighter and a Suvivor.

My journey with cancer.

Donate to Love From Sean here.

It all started in November of 2018. I had gotten into a car accident, nothing too serious, but it had brought along a lot of headaches and migraines. I had gone to the doctor’s several times to get checked up and every time they just said that it was because of the car accident that I was feeling the way I was. So after just getting the same answers over and over again I decided to just leave it alone and hope that they would go away.

Come January of 2019 the headaches were still very much there and I also noticed that I couldn’t really hear out of my left ear. My family also started to notice that the sides of my neck were starting to bulge out. Now at this time I didn’t have health insurance because I lost it once I turned 21. But one day I just couldn’t take the pain anymore and decided I needed to go to the ER. I went and the first thing the nurse said was, “Oh honey, why didn’t you come in sooner?”. She immediately noticed the sides of my neck and recommended that I see a specialist about it as soon as possible. And this is when the journey really starts.

After seeing specialist after specialist, I finally got diagnosed. On April 10, 2019, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Nasopharyngeal Cancer. It is a cancer that forms in the passage right behind your nose and it is also super rare. The cancer had spread down both sides of my neck to right above my collarbone. When I initially got the news I didn’t know how to react. Should I cry? Should I scream? I didn’t do either. I just sat there. I called all my family members and just sat there. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to feel anything. The only thing I did was ask “Why?” and “Why now?”.

After so many scans and tests, I started treatment in June. My treatment plan was to do intensive chemotherapy and then do chemoradiation therapy. The picture above is me on the first day of chemo. I went through 7 rounds of intensive chemo where I received an infusion of 2 chemo drugs at once. I also did 4 more rounds with radiation therapy. Now let me tell you something, chemotherapy is the worst thing to ever go through. The pain and symptoms you experience really makes you question “Is this all really worth it to just TRY to get better?”. Chemotherapy kicked my ass to hell and back. I was nauseous and throwing up almost every day. I felt like I got hit by a semi truck after coming home with therapy. It felt like I was killing my body from the inside out. Which I mean technically I was. I was putting this poison in my body in hopes that it was strong enough to kill the the poison that is cancer. I luckily had a great support system to help me through everything I went through. Chemo not only made me very sick but also changed everything about me. I was losing my hair, losing my appetite, losing my taste, it felt like I was losing the ability to do anything. Because of chemo I had to get a feeding tube placed which I still have to this day but am getting out hopefully by the end of this month or the next. While doing treatment I was hospitalized so many times because the treatment plan I was on was very INTENSE for someone like me. Just to give you an idea, I was 21 and only 120 pounds. After chemo I dropped all the way down to 104. I could go into more details but this section is long enough so if you guys have any questions I’m more than happy to answer them.

I completed treatment on October 3, 2019. I am extremely grateful that I was able to push through treatment and come out victorious, but if I’m being honest it’s only been an uphill battle from there. After treatment, my body is still trying to heal. I really don’t have an immune system anymore because the chemotherapy destroyed it so I am so much more susceptible to getting sick than the average person. I’m still trying to get back to normal. It’s been so hard because it feels like I just keep going up and down. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times since I completed treatment. I was declared “cancer free” or in remission in December. Although because of the cancer I had, I’m still at a high risk of developing the same or a different form of cancer in the next 5 years.

Now let me talk about my mental health. Something I feel isn’t talked about enough when it comes to dealing with cancer. My mental health has been horrible. I just felt like it all went downhill as soon as I got diagonsed. My mental health was bad before but after everything I felt like it just got worse. My thoughts were always so dark and heavy all the time. I also don’t really have any friends where I live now so I really had no one to talk to other than my friends through my phone. I just felt so isolated. Well I still do. Nothing with my mental health has improved I feel like. I’m still having my dark days and I still feel so alone. But, I’m working on seeing someone about it all. It’s a big step for me but I’m trying my best.

So please after reading this just try to remember to always get check ups because you never know what’s going on. If you feel like there’s something wrong with you, listen to that feeling and fight for answers. Cancer snuck up on me and I would have never known about it if I wasn’t persistently going to the doctors and fighting to find out what was wrong. Also just check up on your friends!!! That is so important. Even just a “Hi! Hope you’re doing good!” is such a big thing! You never know what someone is going through and the little messages you send could change a person’s entire day! Cancer effects every part of a person’s life.

The most important thing that I think everyone should know about cancer is that although I have my dark days where I feel like this terrible disease has ruined everything for me I just have to remind myself that I am NOT this disease. I am ME. Cancer does not define who I am. Cancer does not make me, me. My journey from cancer is far from over. I hope that my story will spark other people to share theirs and will spread more awareness because it’s what the world needs. Even though I won my battle with cancer I will continue to fight for those who are still battling or who have unfortunately lost. Also please consider donating to Love From Sean. No donation is too small. Even if you can’t donate, SPREAD THE WORD. You are changing the world more than you may know. Thanks for listening and my asks are open for any and all questions! Love you all.

[prorevenge]

How I got revenge on my cheating ex!

TL;DR at bottom.

This story takes place almost 12 years ago so I'll do my best with the dialog and details but admittedly some things are a little fuzzy. Most of my life I've had a problem with picking men that were not good for me, so much so that I even had a phrase for it "saving the world, one moron at a time". One of my more spectacularly bad choices was a guy by the name of "Bob" (obviously not his real name). I met Bob when I was working one of my 2 jobs at the local mall, he worked somewhere else in the mall so we hit it off and soon enough we were in a relationship. Within a few months my lease was up and we ended up moving in together which obviously in hindsight was a huge mistake but I was dumb and lonely.

Soon enough red flags began to fly, he would say things in common conversation that were simply incorrect (like there's only 4 continents and the rest are actually owned by the martian government and thus don't count etc. ) and when challenged would circular talk until you either agreed with him or dropped the subject. He would also make claims that seemed entirely unbelievable such as when I asked where he had been staying prior to his mom's house he said he "camped in the woods" when I asked how he did that for months on end and without any gear he simply gestured to himself and said "this is all the gear I need". The worst trait though by far was his epic LAZINESS! I have never witnessed someone so lazy in my life.

Bob was unemployed for over a third of our relationship and would simply sit in the apartment watching netflix or playing some war game on "his" computer AKA my spare computer typing away in the group chat. He would never clean up after himself leaving dirty dishes in the sink and filth on every surface while only taking a shower MAYBE once a week. The smell that permeated my apartment could only be described as revolting and could easily gag a maggot. I would inquire a few times a week on his "job hunt" only to be dismissed or given a growing amount of excuses such as "but I don't have a car, how would I get there"... "the bus doesn't run in that area"... "the internet went down so I couldn't apply"... etc. etc. Meanwhile I am working double and triple shifts at my job to try to make up the lost income and running him all over town in my off time getting applications and helping him fill them out and turn them in. Keep in mind he doesn't have a cell phone so all of these apps have my contact info on them. Thus begins the era of him "holding my phone" while I'm at work so he can make calls or schedule interviews as well as I can get a hold of him from my store phone if I needed to.

Things began getting weird, he began staying up later and later on this group chat, sometimes till almost dawn. Sometimes we would hang out all evening until it was time for bed. Then he would always make some excuse on why he needed to check the game before bed and he'd be right there.... hours would pass... no Bob. I began to get suspicious but nothing incriminating seemed to be taking place so I just shrugged it off as me being insecure. Then he started asking to use my car to go see his best friend "Ben", now I wasn't super comfortable with this but I did know Ben pretty well and we got along almost better than Bob and I did so I guess to a degree I trusted Ben more than Bob and agreed to it. This happened a few times while I was working the evening shift and he was always back at the allotted time with my car and my phone and relatively grateful for the opportunity to hang with his buds. Suspicious... umm yes, but I'm the kind of person that is loyal and trusting to a fault and don't assume anything without proof and from every angle all seemed to be on the up and u so I took it at face value.

So one day he asks to borrow my car and go with his friends to a card gaming tournament, he put on a great show telling me how the prize money would help us out and with the deck he had there was no way he could loose. I just had to let him use my car and phone this one last time and he would be able to buy himself a phone with the prize money. I wasn't a huge fan of the idea but nothing untoward had occurred in the previous instances and I didn't feel like spending my only day off at a card game convention that I literally couldn't care less about so I acquiesced. I bought myself a couple green monsters and some vodka and had my own little personal drunk party. Hours tick by and no Bob... Eventually I pass out only to wake up at the crack of dawn VIOLENTLY sick, this went way beyond a hangover. I start retching in the bathroom until there was nothing left but bile but the retching wouldn't stop. Hours ticked by and I lay in my bathroom floor sweating and convulsing with no phone, no car and no Bob. I eventually was able to crawl to my room and wrap myself in a bath robe before crawling down my apartment building stairs and began knocking on the closest doors. It took 3 apartments before someone opened the door and allowed me to use their phone to call my mom. My mother was at my apt in 6 minutes flat and rushed me to the ER where I was diagnosed with an aggressive and antibiotic-resistant strain of C-Dif. Bob finally showed up later that afternoon phone and car keys in hand looking very concerned and claiming to be deeply apologetic but my mom hated him from that point on. I was out of the hospital and back to work within a few days but it was the beginning of the end.

During these last months we were constantly scraping by due to his lack of consistent income and poor spending habits. There were jobs gotten and there were jobs lost for various reasons throughout our relationship but the final job was one I helped him get literally 3 buildings down from my own workplace. This company rents furniture and electronics on a weekly/monthly basis and I happen to know most of the employees and the hiring manager as they are regular customers at my coffee establishment . I was able to use what little sway I had to get him on there and he accepted a job as a delivery man.

Within a few weeks I come home from work to find a brand new TV and entertainment system and him grinning like an idiot. I tell him we can't afford this, we can barely afford to eat and are surviving off scraps I bring home from work. He talks about his amazing employee discount and assures me it's no big deal that the rental fee will just come out of his check etc. I was pissed! Not only had he not consulted me, he also had me on the account as well (my info had been taken from the credit app I filled out as a favor to help their numbers) so if HE flaked I was liable. Fast forward another few weeks the rent is late and we are receiving eviction notices on our door, I come home from work and the tv is mysteriously gone. "Thank goodness" I think, "he finally realized we can't afford it and took it back"... he gets paid, rent gets paid and all is as good as it can be. Until I found a pawn slip for the TV in his pocket as I was doing laundry and went ballistic! He assured me he had plans to get it back in the works and to not worry about it, it will be taken care of soon and no one will be the wiser? I was too pissed to catch on to the secrecy aspect of the situation.

A few more tense weeks go by with him working mornings and myself working evenings while we shared one phone and car... Until that fateful day arrived! I woke up that morning with a migraine headache and opted to let Bob take the car but leave me the phone so I can call someone later on for a ride to work. A few hours of uncomfortable sleep go by before I am awoken by my phone.... I answer the phone still groggy "Hello?"

There is a long pause on the other end of the line until a female voice asks "Umm is Bob there?"

I felt a sickening feeling in my gut and began to shake.... is this real? Am I dreaming?

"No, he's at work right now this is his wife (total lie but hey) is there something I can help you with?" I wasn't rude, I phrased it as a genuine question rather than an accusation.

Another long pause before she began to stammer about maybe she had the wrong number but it was obvious she just wanted to get off the phone with me as quickly as possible and I realized in that moment that I desperately needed her.

"Please" I said with an edge of desperation in my voice.. "I don't know what's going on but I just really need somebody to tell me the truth" the last word came out in a sob and I sat there for a moment in silence trying to quell the urge to just cry uncontrollably.

"Listen" the voice on the other end was almost gentle "I need to make a few phone calls but I promise you I WILL call you back". She said it calmly and with so much conviction that I really wanted to believe her...

"Please, you promise?" I almost begged.

"I promise" she replied

"Ok" I took a deep breath and released it, "I'll talk to you soon" and hung up.

I then proceeded to aggressively pace my living room floor staring at my phone while chain smoking and muttering to myself like a crazy person. I knew who she was calling... I was replaying all those little red flag moments in my head from the last few months, pinning down dates or behavior I'd found suspect when the phone rings again. It's her. I froze for a moment... shocked she followed through and called me back, terrified of what this meant... I answered the phone and what followed was about the most soul crushing 45 min of my life

After initial introductions June (again not the real name) and I began comparing stories and it became glaringly obvious what was happening... They had actually been in a relationship several years prior and had run back into each other on the aforementioned war game where they began to flirt on group chat. All those nights he'd been on the computer he'd been chatting with her. All those times he'd go hang out with his "friend's" he been using my car to take her out and my phone to communicate with her. The time I was sick and alone with NO resources... you guessed it... he was with her! Oh but it get's better...

"Do you have a little silver hummingbird necklace?" she inquired. "Yes, my mother gave it to me for my 27th birthday actually I love it"

"Really?" she said "Cause he gave me one for mother's day"

"OMG" I almost yelled into the phone as I ran to my room and tore through my jewelry box... it wasn't in there... it was around her neck.

From there we discovered not only had he been giving her my property as gifts but he'd had her over to our apartment passing it off as his own. I didn't want to believe him capable of doing something so cruel and disrespectful when I have allowed him to sponge off me for the better part of 3 years. Unfortunately as in confirmation she began describing my apartment to a T, all the way down to my bed sheets. June said he even pulled my "secret box" from beneath my bed and offered to use my adult items on her. She said she found it weird and didn't partake but I threw them away due to the sheer ick factor. Finally she uttered the words I didn't know I wanted to hear"

"You know what we should do? We should bust him together."

My mind immediately started racing, indeed we should! I was a mix of fury, adrenaline and despair so my thinking wasn't exactly strait and details begin to get hazy here. We arrange to meet up at my work and find a way to lure Bob over there but unfortunately she lived about 40 min away whereas I only live about 6 miles from our destination so if I got there first I'd need to stall him (assuming he wasn't out on a delivery). I called a trusted coworker of mine at work sobbing and begging for a ride... to his everlasting credit he got somebody to cover and LEFT WORK to come get me and bring me to my car. When I got to Bob's workplace I went inside to retrieve my keys (this isn't uncommon as they know the car is mine) and was stopped half way through store by Bob's manager wanting to talk about the payment due on "our account".

I don't remember the exact dialog but I said something along the lines of "Look, I don't know when you are going to get your payment." I looked utterly defeated and told him we could never afford the TV in the first place and how I had begged Bob to take it back and now we don't have it anymore as Bob has pawned it and I don't have the money to get it out let alone pay him. I was full on blubbering at this point when he stopped me to clarify that his EMPLOYEE pawned a rental TV under contract. I confirmed that this was indeed true and presented him with the pawn ticket. HE WAS MAD! Apparently such an act is illegal and is terms for immediate termination but he assured me that if I could get the TV back to him there would be no harm no foul and he would terminate my contract without any penalties. I thanked him for his understanding and told him to let Bob know I would be over at my workplace.

My heart is pounding in my chest and blood is roaring in my ears... what was I going to say? What was HE going to say? Would June make it here before he did?? My heart sinks when I see Bob's hulking form making it's way in my direction, I frantically scan the parking lot for June's car... she's not here yet and I'm out of time. He hits the door looking out of breath and guilty as hell and I just stare at him stone faced. I walk outside silently to light a cigarette unsure of exactly what to say and he follows me wordlessly outside.

He starts in with the "it's not what it seems" and "it's all just a terrible misunderstanding" and I just let him dig himself deeper into his hole of lies. I listen, I nod, I pretend to understand until a particular car pulls into view. June parks in the space directly next to where we were standing and gets out of the car... "Hey Bob, how ya' doing?" Bob has gone visibly pale, he hangs his head and sits down on the curb saying nothing to either of us. June and I greet each other and awkwardly shake hands before again returning our attention to Bob. June begins berating him on his lies and deceit, unveiling all of our mutual info and subsequent conclusions while I stood mostly in silence agreeing at the appropriate times but mostly still in shock. After 20 minutes of this I finally mustered up the courage to take my stand.

"We are done, I don't want to see you ever again. I'll pack up your things (only 2 boxes worth) and your sister can contact me in a few days to pick them up. Now I want your key." I held out my hand and looked at him. "Not until I get my stuff out, then you get your key" he replied. I tried to argue but he continued to refuse and used his large stature to his advantage knowing I'd have no chance in a physical altercation. He turned and walked away heading back toward his workplace, June and I talked a little more before she handed me my hummingbird necklace and left. I stood there alone staring at nothing trying to wrap my head around what had just transpired and then I cried... oh how I cried.

With nowhere else to turn I had only one call to make... to my mom. The moment she answered I unleashed this deluge of words at her that were half sobs and half rant. "Stay right there, I'm coming" she said. God Bless my mother! Soon enough both of my parents pull up in my dad's truck and my mom gets out to comfort me and give me hugs. I look at the driver's seat and see my father with his jaw is clenched and a death grip on the steering wheel while staring strait ahead... OH Crap! They take me to the pawn shop and my parents write a check for more than $500 to get the TV out, we then drive strait over to Bob's workplace and return the TV to the manager. As the manager finishes up the cancellation paperwork my dad spots Bob pacing around the back of the parking lot talking frantically on the phone. Unfortunately I didn't get to hear the ensuing conversation but my dad returns within a few minutes holding my house key and looking victorious.

"I believe this is yours" he says as he hands me the key and then pulls me into a hug and I cried a little into his shoulder. My dad gave me a squeeze, kissed my temple and whispered into my ear "They're firing him." I leaned back to look at my dad and he just smirked and said "Now he's jobless and homeless." I thought about it for a second before I said in my most sarcastic tone "Ohhh I'm sooo soorrryyy to hear that" We laughed about it a little and my parents gave me some words of wisdom before leaving me to drive myself home where my best friend was already waiting to keep me company.

Bob and his sister showed up a few days later for his pitiful boxes of stuff, he tried to talk to me, to explain... but my best friend descended on him like a harpy if he muttered more than a few syllables in my direction so he was shut down almost immediately. He left that night and I have never heard from him since, I blocked him on social media but there was really no need as he made no effort to contact me on any level. That's Bob... ever lazy, ever deluded and always an a**hole.

So here I am many years later happily married to my high school sweetheart and the mother of two beautiful little boys and grateful to have moved on when I did. The experience with Bob certainly took its toll I lost a lot of weight due to lack of appetite but had a myriad of trust issues moving forward but the point is I moved forward. I have grown leaps and bounds as a person since this experience and am truly content with where my life is now but every now and then when I'm drifting off to sleep I can't help but wonder... what ever happened to good ol' Bob? Is he out there somewhere... in the woods with a stick and his wits as his only gear... waiting for a martian government to make its move.

Ah well, a girl can dream ;)

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to message me with any questions or comments :)

TL;DR: I discovered my boyfriend was cheating so I organized a sting operation with the other woman. Boyfriend ended up chickless, jobless and homeless within a matter of hours.

(source) story by (/u/Jenabear7897)

[oldladydatin]

Second Chances...

I’m going to share this because well this is a pretty anonymous blog for one so I feel comfortable and two every year at this time it’s something I think a lot about, it’s a part of who I am. I realize this is going to be some hokey shit. If someone shared this story with me I would think it was some hokey shit they made up to justify their beliefs. It doesn’t really matter to me, even if I hallucinated it, it made a huge impact in my life. Eight years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, all alone, with Sepsis, not responding to antibiotics, and I was worried I was about to die..... 

A lot of things led up to this day. I had been struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school. I mostly self medicated, I’d been on antidepressants, I’d been to therapists, none of that helped. When I met my ex husband I was a drunk, honestly. I drank a fifth of gin in front of him and then we went driving on trails in the woods and I was barely buzzed, he kept asking if I was okay to drive and I was because I drank like that a lot. On top of struggling with depression and anxiety, I was raped when I was 17 by a friend I trusted and I just sort went off the deep end. I took drugs at parties and didn’t even ask what they were, I was okay with dying. I was angry at the whole fucking world. I never talked about being raped, I told my husband about it later in our marriage, but that was it until I was in my 30′s. I was embarrassed more than anything, I worried I brought it on, like how messed up is that? I worried it was somehow my fault that when I said no 12+ times he didn’t understand it, I didn’t want people to see me like that. All my bad behaviors escalated after that, I went from sort of caring to not caring at all. I used to cut myself and hide them with the like three dozen bracelets I wore all the time, that got worse and I didn’t even necessarily try to hide it. I went from partying once a week to whenever I could. I drank more, I did more drugs, I drank and drove all the time. I got in more trouble. I tried to drop out of school, I wasn’t necessarily struggling academically, I was smart, but I barely went because I’d have panic attacks and I had migraines all the time. I just quit caring. I wasn’t sexually active, I sort of hated being touched after that. I started seeing someone and I never had sex with him, I was too messed up and it was hard being intimate. My ex husband and I were intimate because I felt safe with him, I trusted him. However I wasn’t ever very affectionate towards him, I really struggled with that. My family wasn’t very affectionate, so I didn’t grow up with a lot of touching to begin with, it’s something I’ve struggled with as an adult and oddly being a nurse has helped me get past this, I hug patients all the time, and hold their hands. I was very affectionate with the Mark’s and I loved that feeling, they always made me feel safe and I trusted them, I think those things are important to me in a relationship. 

One day I got a speech from someone I really didn’t even realized cared about me, but he cornered me and lectured me at a party and he meant it, like it was heart felt and I listened. So at some point I was trying to fix myself, I wasn’t doing a great job but I was trying. I had just quit smoking and doing drugs when I met my husband, I was very slowly working on myself. By the time I met my husband our friends were getting into meth. I didn’t have a lot of sense but I had enough to know I didn’t want to do meth. We made the decision to move about an hour away from our friends to a town with more work, where I was already in school studying art. We got engaged and moved into together, yes in that order, I’m old fashioned. I struggled with depression more after we moved, I was very clingy and dependent. I struggled with being sober all the time. I was a mess. I tried different medications, I tried therapy, I tried being a workaholic, I tried any and everything. I never talked about being raped in therapy, I just tried pretend it didn’t happen and it wasn’t apart of me. I graduated with my art degree and we decided to start a family. It took years to get pregnant but I got pregnant. I was the worst pregnant woman on the face of the planet. I had hyperemesis gravida, it’s a real thing. I threw up so much I was chronically dehydrated, the people in the emergency room knew me by first name. I continually visited them for dehydration, migraines, UTI’s and for episodes of vomitting that didn’t stop for hours. By the third trimester I had quit school and I just laid on the couch and cried all day, I was so depressed it was unreal. We talked to the OB doctors about it and they started me on antidepressants that were safe during pregnancy. They tried to schedule a c-section because of my anatomy they already knew I wouldn’t be able to have her naturally. I insistent on a natural birth, I went 24 hours in labor after my water broke, no drugs, trying every damn thing I could and still ended up with a c-section. I felt like a disappointment as a woman, c-sections are viewed by some women as the “easy” way out. It was a major abdominal surgery, that took weeks to recover from and the experience emotionally damaging and I was already struggling. 

I had severe post-pardum depression, possibly psychosis, also a thing. I had panic attacks, I had a hard time even grocery shopping because I’d walk in the store and it would almost warp and seem so endless that I thought I wasn’t getting out. I was trying to load a trailer at one point to move things to our storage unit and I started hallucinating that bugs were crawling all over me. I never slept, when I did I had nightmares. Everything people said to me was blown out of proportion. If someone nitpicked the way I was holding her I felt like they were criticizing me as mother. I decided to kill myself. I picked a date, wrote a letter, it wasn’t me thinking about it, I had a very well thought out plan. My husband found out and we went to the ER and I spent 3 weeks in a half way house for psych patients, doing group and seeing doctors, the whole thing. After that it was psychiatrists and more pills and more diagnosis. My ex husband got laid off from his job and decided it would be best to try to live in another state. I was excited to go one an adventure, but for my health it was probably the worst thing we did. I needed what little support I had at home. In other states this just got worse until I was in another hospital, 3 more weeks I had gained almost 100 lbs between the side effects of the medications and stress eating, At times I barely got out of bed. I was actually in the process of trying to get disability because the panic attacks were so bad I was barely able to hold down a part time job. I was so desperate to feel better I even went to a therapist about the rape but talking about it was so overwhelming I only went to three sessions and quit. I was addicted to drugs that I was prescribed. They prescribed me ambien and ativan. I would pop ativan all day. I would get in an argument with my husband and just pop some ativan during the argument. I started out taking 5 mg of ambien and eventually I was taking 30 mg, I’d run out of pills and barter for more at the job I had. I would take them and black out and go do stuff. It was all very scary. 

I got what I thought was the stomach flu, I was throwing up all week. My ex husband brought home a pregnancy test and asked me to take it. At this point this man never touched me. I didn’t even remember having sex with him in the year before that. Partially that was my fault, because we had sex and I was on ambien and ativan and I didn’t remember it and that made him feel like he took advantage of me so he wouldn’t touch me. As it turned out I was pregnant, We had, had sex when we went home for Christmas, I was drunk and on drugs and I didn’t remember it. This pregnancy was worse, it started with detox. I called my psychiatrist multiple times to try to find out what to do about the medications because they weren’t safe to take during pregnancy. They never returned my calls, so I just quit taking them. I was so sick, I couldn’t sleep, I was sweating so much I was repeatedly changing my clothes, when I did sleep I was having nightmares. I was throwing up all the time. It lasted a few weeks. When I had my first OB appointment I was honest with them about this and they told me I was very lucky that I hadn’t miscarried because of withdrawals. I had the hyperemesis crap again. Migraines, anxiety, I struggled to breath because of my weight, UTI’s, I’m just not good at being pregnant. 

We made the decision for me to go home because I was too sick to take care of my daughter and my ex husband worked. My ex again decided we were moving to another state and I was already so stressed out and I just wanted to go home. But my Dad is extremely critical of me, especially about the weight. I had lost about 45 lbs during the pregnancy at that point and when I told him that he said good for you, you’re not supposed to lose a bunch of weight during pregnancy. We met my family half way because I was too sick to sit in a car for 12 hours, so we stayed the night and drove the rest the next day. I wore jeans that were too tight for this trip because I didn’t want my Dad to make fun of me for wearing sweat pants. They dug into my stomach and I was uncomfortable, I was sweating a lot during the trip. Within the next few weeks the area around the button where they dug in the most became red and started to hurt, and hurt a lot. It just kept spreading and swelling and I was too uncomfortable to sleep. It felt really hot so I’d put ice packs on it at night trying to get comfortable. At my first OB appointment there she diagnosed me with cellulitis and started me on antibiotics. It continued to spread. My parents kept down playing it they didn’t really think I was sick or that it was anything serious. My Dad made comments about how I was just fat and needed to get up and move more. They even took me to a mall because I needed to walk around and then they were going to take me to Apple Bees for my birthday, even though I didn’t like Apple Bees, because they had a lower fat menu. I could barely move I was so uncomfortable, I told them I didn’t want to go and after the mall we just went home. The next day I went to the ER with my daughter, I borrowed a car and lied about where I was going. Within 3 minutes they admitted me, they had medical students in and out of my room to see this infection. Within two weeks I had my son 5 weeks early, he was immediately put on bipap and shipped off to the nearest NICU. I didn’t see him for 4 days and then they transferred me to the same hospital because I had gained 70 lbs from swelling and the infection continued to spread. What started out as a nickel sized red area now wrapped around my entire abdomen to my back. They tried not to do a c-section because it was close to the infection by then but I ended up with an emergency c-section anyways and they were afraid of it spreading to the incision, so they transferred me. I continued to not improve at the other hospital. It wasn’t until I was transferred that I ever heard the term sepsis. I freaked out, I didn’t know anything about it but I knew it could kill you. I had sepsis and I was not responding to antibiotics and they would discuss this in the hallway outside my room. I still insisted on getting up to shower everyday but I couldn’t do it by myself. My ex husband would help me shower and I would stand there and cry. I couldn’t wipe when I went to the bathroom. The entire thing was embarrassing. Eventually I was on oxygen and they were discussing survival odds outside my room, I had no idea what any of it meant. 

One night I was awake in my room alone in the dark, I was worrying because it had been like 4 weeks and I was just getting worse. This light came on in my room and I was able to relax. I felt better, even the burning, throbbing feeling in my stomach felt better. I felt like I was being comforted. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt like I could just go in that moment. I felt like all the pain and suffering could be gone if I wanted it to be. I considered it. I considered leaving the world behind for a split second, just letting everything go. Then I started to imagine this whole life, where I was happy, where I was a good mom, where I didn’t hurt and not just the hurt from the infection, but the hurt in my heart that I had been struggling with my whole life. I thought about my daughter and my baby who I was so in love with already. He was let out of the NICU after only 7 days and he was doing great. He would smile and laugh everytime he heard my voice, nobody in the NICU had ever heard a baby that little laugh. We had a really strong bond from day one. I missed my daughter, I missed cuddling with her on the couch and listening to her stories. I felt like I had so much to live for and I wasn’t ready to die. I made a promise that if I lived I was going to live. I wasn’t going to run from life anymore. I was going to make better choices and work towards being happy. I made a promise to change. The light faded and I was alone in my room again. But I felt hopeful, I wasn’t worried I was going to die anymore. Within 2 days with no explanation at all the swelling improved, the infection was going away and I was responding to antibiotics and they didn’t change them. My labs were coming back better. They started me on lasiks and the weight was coming off and I wasn’t on oxygen. Within four days I was going home after a month long nightmare, I was taking my baby home. I just continued to improve. 

I wake up everyday and chose to be happy. I make better choices, I started working on myself. My ex husband hated that, I think he actually liked me being codependent. and suddenly I wasn’t, suddenly I was going out and doing things alone, or with the kids. I was painting and drawing, when we got settled I started taking art classes. The instructor wasn’t sure why I was taking her class and convinced me to help teach painting at this community center. We moved again and we ended up homeless. I had such a good attitude about this I was like well we’ll just camp until we figure it out. My kids and I lived in a tent for an entire summer, and it was fun. My ex worked and they provided him with hotel rooms. The kids and I hiked, swam, rode bikes, made art, we did all kinds of cool things. To this day my kids think we were on vacation. I changed my whole attitude and when we got settled I went back to school for nursing. I wanted to help people the way people helped me. I wanted to make a difference and I am. I still struggle sometimes but I think about that one moment and the promises I made and I shake myself out of it and get moving. I don’t take drugs, I’ve been offered Vicodin, or ativan by doctors but I’d rather struggle. I drink socially maybe once a month and never when I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling the past month and went to three metal shows and only had water. Every year around this time I think about where I was at 8 years ago and I count my blessings. I think about my life and the promises I made that day and take a look back and try to decided if I’m living up to them. If I’m not I try to decide how I can do better the next year. Some of the best things can come out of the worse days, and that’s what happened 8 years ago. 8 years ago today, I got a second chance. 

[fictionzsurveys]

This past year…

who were your favorite singers, musicians, or bands?

Mitski for sure. I had her music on loop much of the first half of the year, especially her latest album. I don't think I glommed onto anything else this year.

what were some of your favorite foods?

Did you know ice cream is good? Because I'd forgotten that for decades and got back into it this year. Phish Food from Ben & Jerry's wins the gold.

what was your favorite dessert?

I suppose it was tuxedo cake, though I think that carries over from 2021. In any case, it's hard to top a cake that's just layers of vanilla and chocolate mousse.

what was the best thing that happened to you?

It’s frustrating because I feel weird about money but I got a promotion and big raise this year. It’s good of course, but I don’t like feeling joyful about it. Probably something for me to work out there.

what was the worst thing that happened to you?

I got covid. It was no worse than a cold, but it still felt strange to finally get it. All in all I guess I didn’t have a bad year.

how have you grown as a person?

Maybe in that I’m tackling big things like trying to figure out future retirement stuff and talk to my family about the future. I avoided it for years. We’re a laconic household.

what have you learned?

That I can still take on big plans like becoming a programmer. That’s my single biggest undertaking. It’ll take years but I kicked it off in 2022.

how old did you turn?

40.

what did you do for your birthday?

I had covid and wrenched my ankle so I just stayed in and read books.

what did you accomplish?

Maintained my diet regimen from 2021, visited Mexico despite my paranoia, started programming studies, got that promotion.

where did you live?

Same apartment. This was my fifth year here and I’d previously never stayed in one place for more than a year and a half.

who was your best friend?

Er, n/a.

This past year, have you….

made a new friend?

Nope.

lost a friend?

Nope.

made a new best friend?

Nope.

lost someone close to you?

Nope.

attended a funeral?

Nope.

attended a wedding?

Nope.

gave birth to a child? 🤰

Nope.

“came out of the closet”?

Nope.

traveled?

Yeah it was a big travel year in reaction to lockdown from 2020-2021. I went to Las Vegas, the Mojave desert, Mexico (Jalisco), Disneyland, San Juan Island, and Los Angeles a few times.

felt depressed? 😔

Not really. I ping pong between emotional states but usually level out.

felt suicidal? 😔

Nope.

felt happy? 😃

Sure.

felt at peace? 😊

Yeah at San Juan Island. The ocean does me good.

felt overjoyed? 💃

I think so but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

felt blessed? 😇

Not often enough, considering all the good things that happened.

felt amazed? 🤩

Definitely.

fallen in love? 😍

Nope.

had your heart broken? 💔

Nope.

got a new car? 🚗

Nope.

graduated? 👩‍🎓

Nope.

experienced something miraculous? ✨

Hm, I don’t think so... my continued low rent always feels like a miracle though.

had a better year than last year?

Oh yes.

had a worse year than last year?

Nope.

been to see the doctor? 👨‍⚕️

Oof, no. I’m overdue for a checkup.

been to the hospital? 🏥

Nope.

had a severe allergic reaction? 🤧

Nope.

had COVID? 🦠

Just a few weeks ago.

found out someone you knew had COVID? 🦠

Lots of people. We’ve all been getting out more.

used an epi pen? 💉

Nope.

had a fever? 🥵

Yep.

had a migraine? 🧠

Yeah a few times.

gone on a date? 🌹

Nope.

written in a journal or diary? 📔

Yeah I was keeping up with a few logs.

given someone a hug? 🤗

Yep.

cut your hair? 💇‍♀️

Every other day (I shave it).

danced around your living room? 💃

Nope.

prayed? 🙏

Nope.

worshiped Jesus?

Nope.

read the Bible? 📖

Working my way through it. I start on Psalms this month.

discovered a new favorite book? 📕

The Haunting of Hill House was great.

gone to church? ⛪️

I went in several churches, but just as a visitor during off-hours.

went for a walk in the fall? 🍁

Every day.

set up and decorated a Christmas tree? 🎄

Nope.

threw up? 🤮

Just yesterday. I think that was the only time I puked all year.

almost threw up? 🤢

Nope.

discovered a new music artist you really liked? 🎤

Mitski.

discovered a new song you really liked? 🎶

Love Me More.

seen snow? ⛄️

Only on the distant peaks.

seen beautiful fall foliage? 🍁

Of course.

gone to the beach? 🏝

Yeah I was on a bunch of different beaches. They were all Pacific beaches so it was brisk weather.

rode a bike? 🚴

I spent all last year setting up a bike and didn’t ride it at all this year. I might give it away to someone.

rode a horse? 🐎

Nope.

swam? 👙

Nope.

worn makeup? 💄

Nope.

done a craft project?

Nope.

made a scrapbook page?

Nope.

written an essay? 📝

Maybe some small ones for class.

painted something? 🎨

Nope.

drawn something? ✍️

Hm maybe a sketch somewhere.

sketched in a sketchbook?

Look up.

written someone a letter? 📝

Nope.

been to a concert? 👩‍🎤

Nope.

driven a car? 🚘

Yep.

kayaked? 🛶

Nope.

gone on a cruise? 🚢

Just a ferry and a Christmas party boat.

made a big purchase?

A Steam Deck.

moved to a new home? 🏡

Nope.

got a new pet?

Nope.

lost a pet?

Nope.

gotten a tattoo?

Nope.

gotten a new piercing?

Nope.

started a new hobby?

No new ones. I have enough for the moment.

worn a mask? 😷

All the time.

felt afraid to leave your house?

Nope.

celebrated your birthday alone?

Yep.

celebrated Christmas alone?

Nope, I was with family.

went for a long walk through the neighborhood?

All the time.

Favorites of this Year (Pick one for each.)

Song:

Love Me More by Mitski.

Book:

The Haunting of Hill House.

TV show:

Cabinet of Curiosities.

Youtube channel:

Nate the Hoof Guy. I got weirdly into watching this guy trim and maintain cow hooves. He’s got a good voice for it.

Food:

Ice cream in general, phish food in particular.

Dessert:

Besides ice cream? Tuxedo cake.

Drink:

Stone Hazy Double IPA.

Friend:

Marlyne.

Thing you did:

Stayed on San Juan Island.

Place you went:

Look up.

Person you spend time with:

Probably Marlyne, which is weird because she’s my landlord, and we hardly spend time together. But she’s cool.

Thing you did for your birthday:

Read a book I guess.

Celebrity:

Guillermo del Toro.

Website:

This one.

Emojis:

Still into :grimace: even though it’s apparently an old folks’ emoji now?

Colors:

Neon pink.

Restaurant:

That double decker spot by the water in Friday Harbor with a good view of the ferry.

Tea flavor ☕️:

Green.

Final Questions!

Would you say this past year has been a good year overall?

As we covered above, it was objectively a good year.

What are your goals for the new year?

Don’t eat meat. Continue programming studies to the point that I can make a game prototype. Just keep saving money and cut back on spending accordingly. Plan a trip to the east coast to go from Washington DC to Manhattan.

How old will you turn next year?

41.

Did you make any big mistakes this past year?

Nothing big.

Do you have any big changes coming?

Nothing planned.

How will you be celebrating New Year’s Eve this year?

I stayed at a hotel by the coast. It rained all day but then New Year’s Day was sunny so I got a nice walk on the beach.

What was the best day of this year for you, and why?

Just seeing my family in December.

What did you spend the most time doing this year?

Programming studies took up a lot of time.

[poppyknitt]

Baby Steps (A JSE egos fanfiction + smol easter egg)

(Please note that this fanfiction is a slight deviation from the main storyline of my current line of fanfictions, and is still just as important, but also will not be totally necessary to read if all you wanna do is read the main story)

(Also, if you are triggered by even just the mental image of things like extremely loud noises, slight psychosis, and other things that can surface when dealing with post-coma brain issues and also Darkiplier type demons at the same time, I suggest not reading past the dog park scene. It gets real bad after that. Especially because i wrote this at fucking 10-11PM like an idiot.)

Seán sat on a bench in a dog park, his memories still blurred together. His doctor had recommended he get a dog or something to help ease the stress of not being able to remember anything from before he slipped into a coma, but honestly he felt like he didn’t have the time for it, so he just took daily trips down to the dog park, and hope that he was lucky enough to be able to pet one of the dogs there.

A few hours passed, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s the one and only Mark, who’s visiting for a few days, because he’s on tour.

“Oh! Hey buddy!” Mark yelled, and jogged over.

“Hey Mark.” Seán said. He would have to get used to being called “Jack” whenever he was with his youtube buddies, for whatever weird reason. He didn’t really understand why people didn’t just call him by his name now, since everyone already knows it.

“What’s going on pal? I heard about the coma thing. How long have you been back in it?” Mark was already bombarding him with questions.

“Agh, slow down! My head’s still getting used to the real world..” He said, gripping his head as another migraine started setting in.

“Oh, jeez-! God, I’m sorry, Jack. I forgot about the brain stuff that comes with comas... Man, if I knew you were haning out in dog parks, I would’a brought Chica with me!” Mark said, laughing at the last part.

“Ah, jeez... Who was Chica again..? Wasn’t that a yellow bird in a horror game..?” Seán trailed off.

“Well, yeah, kinda, but Chica’s the name of my golden retriever!” Mark replied.

“Oh! Yeah, right! I remember now! Aw, man, I miss ‘er! She looked so cute the last time I saw her!” He grinned.

“Anyways, since I’m here, wanna do a collab? Maybe stream a few things together? I dunno. Just.. Do something fun, I guess.” Mark suggested.

“Heh, yeah, maybe later though. I need to get home and take some painkillers or something.” Seán said.

“Oh. Well, alright then! See ya later, nerd!” Mark waved happily as Seán slowly walked off, and then muttered under his breath once his friend was out of earshot, “Ha. Painkillers. Fucking wuss.”(because this is actor! Mark. Not real Mark.)

Seán sighed to himself as he got into his car and drove home. God, missing out on a little over nine months of his life... What all even happened while he was out...? And why did everyone change..? Mark’s being weird and aloof, Henrik won’t tell him anything, Robin’s being quiet all of a sudden... God, he wished he knew what was happening. He arrived at his place, and went inside, shutting the door behind him. Jeez... maybe he should get a dog.

~~~~

Mark paced impatiently in front of his computer, waiting for Seán to call, “God damn it, where is he?!”

“Mark, don’t be a dick.” Amy huffed in annoyance.

“Well I’m sorry that I’ve been waiting for almost a whole day to do a collab with Jack, and he hasn’t even bothered to respond yet!” Mark said in his weird sassy voice.

——

Seán Jack woke up, and immediately felt a strange sense of dread in the back of his mind, which was abnormal, because this was his house, and if anything, he should be the one igniting fear into the hearts of anyone who tries to break in. He shrugged it off, and got up, looking at his computer instinctively.

“Oh, fuck! I forgot about the collab. Shit! Mark’s gonna be pissed!” He yelped, and immediately prepared himself for a collab video or two. When he was done, he hurried into his recording studio, and began the collab.

Mark joined the collab while Jack was still fumbling around in search of his headphones.

“Looking for these?” A sinister voice voice, much like Mark’s, echoed from the computer, sending chills down his spine. He slowly turned to see...

His headphones on his keyboard.

“Oh, there they are. Hey Maaaarrrrrkkkkkk- AH HOLY FUCK WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!” Jack screamed, jumping back from the monitor when he noticed it wasn’t Mark talking to him, but rather, his dark ego, Dark, so naturally, he played it “cool”, “Oh! Hahahaha! I-I see! You’re just fucking with me, aren’t ya, Mark? Yeah! I know your tricks! You can’t fool me!”

“Oh, I can assure you, this is not computer effects. I am very, very real, Jack.” The voice echoed throughout the apartment.

“What do you want from me?!” Jack exclaimed. The lights in his house all bursted, and Jack screamed, covering his head, as his ears began to ring, “Ahhhh! Why?! Why now?! God! No! This is a terrible time! I haven’t even taken any medications!”

“Jack! Jesus fucking christ! Where the hell are you?! Why are you screaming?!” Mark yelled, which, strangely enough, was comforting to hear.

“Mark! Oh thank fucking Christ! Dude! Your dark ego dude just fucking assaulted my house!” Jack yelled.

“What?! Dark ego? What the hell are you talking about? Wait, don’t tell me you believe the bullshit the community’s telling us!” Mark growled.

“I didn’t! I swear! But that fucking bastard just tapped into our conversation! He-He took over my computer! Please, Mark! For the love of god, I’m not crazy-!” Jack got cut off by his house’s alarms all going off, which caused his ears to ring again, his head’s pain to get worse, as he immediately started repeating “ow” and “oh fuck, oh god, oh no” over and over, as he started growing dizzy. Reality and fiction began to blurr as his pain only worsened, and soon he couldn’t tell what was in his head and what was actually happening, as he slowly fell to the ground.

The last thing he heard before passing out was Mark yell, “Amy! Call the fucking ambulance! Jack’s gone nuts or some shit and his house sounds like it’s gonna fucking explode!”

~~~~

Jack woke up on his way to the hospital, and jolted up, his whole mind filling with absolute terror as he recalled the previous events. Lights flashing. His computer screen was glitching the hell out. Alarms blaring. Mark screaming in either panic or anger. Worst of all, however, was that the last thing he could recall seeing was Dark looming over him as he lay on the ground, clutching his head in pain and screaming his ass off as his brain knocked itself out over all the noise and pandemonium that seiged his nerves and made it feel like his head was about to explode. As he realized he was now in a hospital room, he noted that he could also hear the distant sound of Henrik’s distressed voice as he snapped back to reality.

“Seán! Seán, you idiot! Vake zhe hell up! Vhat zhe hell happened?! Why are you back like zhis?!” Henrik bombarded him with questions.

“I-I don’t know! I-I was gonna do a-a collab with Mark but then that Darkiplier dude that tumblr obsesses over appeared on my screen and talked to me and all the lightbulbs exploded so my head was hurting and something happened, Mark was yelling at me, and then all my alarms went off and I-I blacked out but like just before I did, the Darkiplier dude appeared in my apartment?! I-I don’t know! Nothing makes sense! I-It’s all so blurry!” Jack rushed through his words in a blind panic, but that didn’t matter, because as soon as Henrik heard the word “Darkiplier”, he ran the fuck out.

Jack heard him screaming at Mark in the other room.

“Vhat zhe hell is vrong vith you, you idiot?! I zhought I said to not try to speak vith him until zhis all blows ovah!” Henrik yelled.

“I didn’t think you were fucking serious! I didn’t even know the asshole would attack Jack! I thought it would be fine!” Mark yelled back.

“Notzhing is evah fine vhen you are involved, Mark! Not anymore! You zhink you are helping vith your videos, but you are only making zhis situation vorse for zhose of us vhom have to be stuck in zhe damn crossfires of you and your stupid little var vith your stupid little dark egos! At least ve have zhe fucking decency to keep away from ozher youtubers vhen Anti attacks us! Zhose two are not vhat you zhink! Zhey have much more power zhan you can even imagine, and vhat do you do? You release them into zhe fucking vorld by recklessly involving ozher people in your stuff! Just fucking vait! You should be more worried about your stupid friends zhan keeping your channel relevant!” Henrik ranted.

“Alright! Alright! I get it! You think this is my fault! Fine! I’ll take the fucking blame then!” Mark yelled back.

“Don’t you get a fucking attitude wizh me, you bastard! Oh, I am so going have a vord vith zhe ozhers about zhis! And believe me, Mark! Zhis vill not happen again!”

Jack sighed, and closed his eyes, resting his head against the pillow. He didn’t understand anything they were discussing anymore.

~~~~

Jack opened his eyes, and froze. The world was glitching between normal colors and monotonous colors, like it had been when he fainted. He immediately shut his eyes, not wanting to deal with this again.

Why? Why him?! What the hell did he do?! He just wanted to hang out with his friend! Get back some of the time he lost while he was in comatose! Not this!

“Jack! Jack! I know you’re awake, you clueless bastard!” Mark said, and Jack opened his eyes to find the room was normal again.

... Oh god... What kind of demon did he unleash upon the world this time..?

[Sean #1/Darkilplier Prologue pt. 1]

Henrik #1

Marvin #1

JBM #1

Chase #1/Darkiplier Prologue pt. 2

JJ & Robbie #1

Anti #1

Sean #2

@antis-loyal-puppet

[coolstormy4]

I was in the hospital

This is a long story and it’s kinda rambly, but I wanted to explain what’s going on.

On Tuesday, January 23, I woke up with my left hand feeling like it was asleep. I didn’t think anything of it, and went on with getting ready for school. The thing is, it never went away. The sensation went up my left arm and left leg, and that night after I came home from pit rehearsal, I nearly fell. That led into my first emergency room visit. This first visit didn’t help anything, they were going to release me saying it was anxiety. They only did something when I grabbed my head and started screaming; I had the worst migraine in my life. I was given medication, and got a CT scan done (it was clear), and they were still just going to release me. They hadn’t treated what I could only describe as a tingling sensation in my left side, only treating my migraine seemed to be enough. Before I even got up from the bed, I threw up. This spiraled into a sleepless night of vomiting every 30 minutes on the dot until morning.

Wednesday, January 24, I had to be basically carried out to the car to go to the ER again. That’s how bad the sensation had become, I couldn’t walk. This trip gave us some more hope, I was there the entire day with a very nice nurse and a doctor I had seen months prior. I was given fluids and medication to stop my vomiting, and had tests done. I tried walking in front of the doctor when they were considering releasing me, but I had extreme vertigo and was unsteady on my feet. This led into getting a lumbar puncture, and the idea of having meningitis being a possible answer to my symptoms. The doctor didn’t feel comfortable letting me go home, so I was admitted into the pediatric center.

I stayed in the hospital, and my new doctor insisted that I had limes disease, and I was started on medication for it. I had tests done and even an MRI of my head before yet another doctor was introduced and said she didn’t think it was limes disease. This turned into being transferred to Hershey Medical.

Friday, January 26 I was taken by ambulance to Hershey Medical, where I was admitted into their pediatric center. This was where things began to get serious and scary.

I saw many specialists, and things I’ve never heard before and things I’ve only heard on House came up in conversation. My neurologist at the hospital had basically come to two possible things after reading my MRI.

ADEM or Multiple Sclerosis.

One was a one time thing and it was done, but the other was the rest of your life. The idea of MS felt fake, so I was my usual self even after being told what I could have. It seemed less and less likely when I was able to walk again and was released on January 31.

This is where things get foggy in my mind. I can remember being great for the next two days, but then I got a migraine. A bad one. Which was then followed by nonstop vomiting. I can’t remember how many times I went into the ER. Two? Three? I just remember my dad watching the super bowl in the Hershey Medical emergency room.

Wednesday, February 7 was when I would get some answers from a new neurologist, one who specializes in MS. He looked at my MRI and said he was almost positive it was MS. He couldn’t diagnose it as that until there was proof of another attack, so he scheduled an MRI for the next month. I was started on the safest medication and the only one that could be started before being officially diagnosed, Copaxone. I was also taking Lorazepam, probiotics, Vitamin D, and biotin.

After that appointment and for the next month was when we were positive I had another attack. This time it was both my left and right sides that became tingly. I couldn’t feed myself. I couldn’t really do anything. I even got a wheelchair.

That month was kind of a blur, but I slowly got better. After weeks of phone calls and emails, by March 16, I was able to go back to school without a wheelchair. I was put into online English, and kept two other classes, band and AP art. For however long I need, I have half days.

The next week, today, Friday, March 23, I had my MRI. I was anxious, but we were finally going to get a definitive answer. I had my neurologist appointment right after, and he read the scan to us.

I have Multiple Sclerosis. I’m 17. I’m still laughing about it, making jokes because I’m trying to deny it. It’s not like my whole life is over, though. I’m taking medication. I’m going to listen to my doctor’s advice. He was so positive about it, telling me everything I can do to keep attacks to a minimum and stay healthy.

I’m still trying to deny the fact that this is my life now. I have to inject myself with Copaxone three times a week, for years and years and years... exercise a lot, less salt, less red meat.

This isn’t going to change who I am, I’m still me. It’s just that sometimes I’ll get tingly and maybe be unable to do everyday things. To this day my fingertips are still numb. Everything else has gotten back to normal function, which is great.

I don’t know where I was going with this whole thing... I guess I just wanted to explain what was happening over the past two months and get out my story of learning what was happening to my body. If anyone read all of this, thank you 💕

[robbinsarizonas]

Battlefield (Part 7)

Battlefield part 7!!! :D We’ve got a lot more story to tell, so here’s another part of it :) All other parts are linked below :) @ferryboatsscrubcaps

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

The first step in recovering from a traumatic experience is stabilization. To feel safe in your own skin, in your home, in the arms of someone you love. It can be hard after a trauma for any kind of contact, physical or mental or emotional, to feel comfortable. Some are scared and jumpy, some hyperventilate at the touch of a fingertip, and some want nothing more than to be left alone in complete solidarity. However, contact is good for the soul. It’s important to have the help of someone you love to recover, it speeds up the process and allows for your emotional wounds to heal alongside your physical ones.

Amelia stared at the egg shell colored ceiling of her bedroom. She could only stare for a few seconds, though, because she was so restless from being on bed rest. She had become so antsy that she just couldn’t be still. For the past six weeks, she had done nothing but lay in this bed, and she was sick of it. She was tired of watching Tiny House Hunters and Say Yes to the Dress for hours and hours while laying in the same spot sipping on the same old water. She had to get up.

But he would kill her if she tried. Owen decided to take a leave of absence to take care of Amelia until she got better. He had been nothing short of a drill sergeant when it came to her staying in bed and doing everything she was supposed to. It took a while for her to realize exactly what had happened to her. Yeah she dealt with trauma everyday and she had watched so many of her loved ones die, but something like this has never happened to her. She was not used to feeling physical pain coursing through every part of her body and not knowing what to do.

At first, he wasn’t able to touch her. He tried, but her whole body flinched every time. This was common in people who experience accidents, especially as severe as hers. She was in a plane crash. That wasn’t a small little accident. She expressed to him how elated she was he was alive and how much she wanted to just lay in his arms again, but her mind just wouldn’t let her. Her mind was conflicting her heart and it was tough. But Owen, being the loving man he is, stuck by her and tended to her every need. But today, after six weeks, he figured it would be fine if he stepped out for just an hour or so to run a few errands.

Amelia’s head injury still wasn’t fully recovered. Upon arriving at Grey Sloan, she had a severe brain bleed and a fractured skull. Edwards went in and relieved it, but Amelia was still experiencing symptoms from the severe head injury. She had migraines quite often, her neck and head were constantly sore, and she had extreme sensitivity to light. She had a huge cut on her leg that was still stitched up and healing. A large piece of debris had cut her leg open and shards spread throughout the tissue inside her thigh. Kepner had to perform an emergency exploratory surgery to extract all of the debris. The cut was quite severe and she lost quite a bit of skin and tissue. She had cuts and bruises of various sizes all over her body, as well as second degree burns on her abdomen and lower back. Owen dresses the burns daily but she’s become basically immune to the pain.

On top of all of that, she’s pregnant. And Owen doesn’t even know. She’ll have to tell him soon, granted she was only two weeks when she found out and now she’s about 8 or 9 weeks so he can’t tell yet. But she wants him to know, she wants to share this little piece of happiness with him in the midst of such a difficult time in both of their lives. But for now, she was done with this bed rest shit. It had been 6 weeks. That’s plenty of time to heal, even though the doctors said she should take at least 8 weeks. She felt fine, so that was enough for her.

Amelia rolled over onto her right side, avoiding putting pressure on her sore right thigh. She grabbed the rail on the side of her bed that Owen had put up and slid it down. She stepped onto the cool hardwood floor and found her footing. She hoisted herself up off the bed, but she must have done it a little too fast. Her purple socks were super slick against the hardwood floors and her feet flew out from under her, causing her to land flat onto her stomach, hitting her forehead from the impact. She cried out in pain and instantly regretted her decision to get up. Amelia gasped for air, as being on her stomach unable to really lift her head up made it hard for to get proper air flowing through her lungs. She wiggled herself closer and close to her nightstand and snaked her hand up, barely reaching her phone. She quickly hit the number 2, which was Owen’s speed dial number and pressed call. He better pick up, she thought.

“Hey Amelia, what’s up?” He answered the phone happily.

Her voice was raspy and sounded almost like she was choking. The pain was too much, she felt a stabbing in her stomach and a pounding in her head. Her whole body ached. She barely got out the words. “Owen, I, I… fell. I can’t get up. It hurts. Please…….hurry.”

She heard the loud bang, probably of his car door shutting. “I’m on my way.” And she pressed the ‘end’ button.

Amelia tried to roll over, but she couldn’t support her own weight on her weak arms. She moaned from the pain, trying to move wasn’t helping but she had to figure out a way to relieve some of the pain. She didn’t want to cry but damn, it hurt. She picked her head up and tried to breathe, but her airway felt obstructed. She couldn’t get enough air, but she was getting enough to stay conscious. She heard the front door slam and breathed a sigh of relief. He rushed in, just as she cried out, “Owen!!!! Oh my god.” She screamed loudly, flinching her eyes because of the intense pain she felt.

“Amelia!!!! Amelia, what happened?” Owen asked, running in the room and crouching beside her.

“I just… I just wanted-to-to get up.” She choked out.

“It’s okay. Just hang in there. I’m gonna get you to the hospital right now. Oh my gosh, Amelia.” Owen rambled as he scooped her up in his arms.

“Amelia! Amelia!” Owen yelled. But it echoed through her ears as she lost consciousness.

“AMELIA!”

The ambulance doors swung open, the paramedics pushed the gurney Amelia lay on towards the open ER doors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital where April Kepner stood gloved up and ready, Owen had called her on the journey over, panicked, unable to really speak.

“I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened… I wasn't there… I left, I thought… I had an errand, I thought…. It’s been 6 weeks… She tried to get up…. She fell… I don't know what happened…” Owen said without taking a breath.

“Owen, Owen…” April said, carefully taking one of her gloves off and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Breathe. I need you to breathe. She needs you to breathe.” She said, standing in front of him now and looking him right in the eyes.

Owen took a deep breath, but it wasn't like it helped. He hadn't been there. He didn't know what happened. He didn't know if she had hit her head. He didn't know if she’d had any pain. He didn't know, he had left the house to run an errand. He should have been there.

“We’re gonna help her. We’re gonna figure out what’s wrong and we’re gonna help her.” April comforted, putting her hand on his shoulder again and giving it a friendly pat before heading into the ER to deal with the situation.

“Okay I’m gonna need all hands on deck!” She shouted as soon as she stepped in through the doors.

Owen didn't move. He didn't move for a good couple of minutes. He didn't feel like he could. It was like his brain no longer knew how to make his legs move. It just wasn't there. So he stood, and he looked down at the ground, and he reminded himself to keep breathing. She was going to be okay, the doctors had her, they had her, they knew what they were doing.

“Owen?” A voice came, causing Owen to look up almost from the shock of hearing something other than his own breathing and the distant sound of cars on a road nearby.

“What happened, is she okay?” Owen asked as soon as realising it was April standing in front of him, only wearing her scrubs, her hair as red as ever.

“Owen, I have something to tell you.” She said, but not in an at all grave or sad way, despite Owen’s brain twisting it that way.

“No… No no no no…” Owen said, imagining the worst, jumping to conclusions. “No no no no no-” He continued, until April shouting his name cut him off.

“She’s alive. She needs surgery, they’re taking her in right now, OR 5. A piece of debris made it’s way to her stomach. We have to control the bleeding.” This time Owen cut her off.

“So you’re taking her in, and you’re gonna control it.” Owen said, confident in April’s surgical ability as well as the other doctors at this hospital, his colleagues. He couldn't pick anyone better to take care of the woman he loved.

“Owen you know we can't make promises like that.” April said, reminding him that nothing was for sure, not ever. “But there’s something else…” She said, watching Owen’s face as it turned from relieved, to shocked and even scared. “She’s pregnant. 9 weeks, it’s early, but there’s definitely a baby in there.” April said, trying not to show too much happiness given the situation.

“She’s…” Owen said, unable to properly understand what April had actually said. “She’s…” He said again, happiness fighting with the fear and pain he felt. “She’s pregnant?” He got out all the words this time.

“She’s pregnant.” April nodded.

“She’s pregnant…” Owen said, not able to believe this was actually real and not some kind of elaborate prank.

Life is full of surprises. Good or bad, they’re inevitable. You can choose to avoid them, to take them and accept them and move on. Or you can choose to embrace the unknown and let life surprise you. Even in the midst of darkness, you can still see light at the end of the tunnel if you allow yourself to. You know, it’s important to be surprised every now and then and to enjoy it. It may just change your life.

[thrivingwithtori]

Life hasn’t always been easy for me but I’ve always found ways to make it a bit easier. I’ve struggled so long facing the unknown and having so much other things consum me it’s unreal. That’s one of the reasons I’ve started this blog.

Since I can remember I’ve struggled with muscle spasms, memory loss, speech issues, dizzy spells, black outs, insomnia and migraines.

As a child I literally never slept I was always just wanting to go, go, go. I’d keep my parents up, my aunt and my siblings just because I couldn’t get settled. I was always restless. However, it never messed with my energy levels. Once I got into my preteens I would start to get the worst migraines, muscle spasms and occasionally would have issues with my short term memory.

Most parents may be alarmed by it but my parents just didn’t think anything was wrong and it was me growing. Until I had my first ever flare up. At 15 I remember having to call my dad and tell him something was wrong and I needed to go to the doctors. He asked what was wrong and I told him I had lost control of my mobility every muscle in my body hurt and was stiff, my skin felt tight, I had the worst fever ever and I felt lost. My dad rushed over to get me and take me to UMC ER where the Drs poked me, yelled at me to calm down and treated me like I was faking. They told my dad I possibly had mono.

Well after hours of tests and scans they found nothing so they sent us on our way. How is it I’m suffering with all these symptoms yet nothing is showing it made no sense. I would randomly suffer from these flare ups yet nothing would be done because well the doctors could never find anything.

Flash forward to me being 20 and pregnant I started rapidly gaining weight. Over 100lbs. Wtf this isn’t normal I don’t understand. Doctor after doctor I must be, being lazy. No I worked out 5 days a week, I ate healthy, and I took my vitamins. Still nothing was found, however my symptoms would get a bit worse.

A couple years pass I’m still having issues with my muscles and some mobility issues but I continue to push through. I’d have random flare up where I would spike a fever, become lethargic and lose mobility. my ex would rush me to the hospital just to be told nothing is wrong with me. If you are wondering yes it drove him crazy.

I remember I was at the laundry mat doing laundry one day and my joints locked up and my muscles started to spasm. I freaked out grabbed my phone the best I could and called my dad again. He was always my hero. He rushed to where I was helped me load everything and helped me get me, my vehicle and everything else to my house.

Here we go again more doctors and guess what? Nothing! I have a scare with finding lumps in my breast thinking I have breast cancer(it runs in my family). I’m told no but I need to have regular mammograms because of the history. I have a pap done and cancer is found. I was devastated but how could this contribute to my health?!? I have surgery to remove it all have to do checks ever 6 months until I have 3 cancer free paps. I made it the next 3 were all clear. Whoop whoop. To bad this wasn’t the end.

I continue to have all my issues. At this point doctors started blaming my weight so I would just push through things or stay in bed to avoid it. Fast forward i have weight loss surgery May of 2018 to see if the doctors are right. Nope not the case.

Within the first 9 days I have issues and have to go back into surgery. I come out feel somewhat better but here comes my migraines and the dizzy/black out spells again. Omg I haven’t suffered in ages with these but I have everything else. Once again every doctor I go to thinks I’m insane. I finally find my current primary and she starts sending me for further testing. I mean the works cardiologist, neurologist and so forth.

I get told I have low blood pressure from cardio . Neuro at one point said one of my tests show silent seizures and well an ultra sounds revealed cancer again except this time in the thyroid. This makes no sense. I get my biopsy it confirms, have my surgery for a full thyroid removal, still positive for cancer, get told I may have an auto immune disease and here I am still suffering.

This is me living with the unknown!

[dianamarieo1]

My health problems leading to my decision: Part 2

Insurance wanted me to do physical therapy first. Physical therapy for something I know is wrong with my bones. They said if and only when I complete physical therapy that they would approve me for an MRI. One day the pain was so bad I crawled to my car, drove to St.Anns and begged for the ER to do the MRI. I said I would pay out of pocket I didn’t care. I knew something was wrong. Doc comes in with someone and they asked if I was in search for drugs. The word pain meds never even came out of my mouth. Maybe they some how seen the amount of tramidol I was taking (that was not mine). I had to make it through the day. I told them I am not seeking drugs and they discharged me. I struggled to walk out as everyone watched because let me just say with my left side deficits, it is so hard to walk on crutches and I ended up falling in the parking lot. Thankfully a worker came out to help me. I told my physical therapist what happened and she put in a note for me to get the MRI and skip the rest of therapy. MRI what do you know? I am having major problems with the bones in my left foot. At this point cortisone shots have done nothing and it’s time for surgery. Now she was supposed to break the bone, pack it and cut my Achilles’ tendon but guess what? She didn’t touch my Achilles. To this day I am still having problems. Not as bad but it’s there. Also I have sever scar tissue damage to my foot and no other surgeon wants me as far as my foot. Ok fast forward another year or two and I am now 270. And what a surprise I get shingles in my eye. What started out as an ear ache ends up being shingles on my head and face near my eye. Had to see an eye specialist and to this day I still have nerve damage. Worst pain of my entire life. I never want that again. I get over the shingles and I start to have migraines. Not any migraines, behind the eye migraines. I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to be in the dark and I even remember getting permission to wear my sunglasses in the office at work because the lights were too bright. One day I was sure I was having a stroke and I ran right down the hall to the ER. My blood pressure was scarily through the roof. They ran some tests and I believe it was one of the residents who told my parents and I that it seems they may have found something on my brain. There was a dark spot. We all got emotional until someone says something about my stroke. The dark spot? It was part of my brain that was effected from the stroke. The blood pressure? I was living with high blood pressure for a while hence the migraines. I am considered morbidly obese and now I am not only on blood pressure medication but I am now on metformin for diabetes. Get that taken care of and now I am not breathing right in my sleep. Combination between my weight and needing nasal surgery now to clear an airway for me to breathe. Get that done and boom. Periods from hell. I’ve always had problems with my period from being overweight but it got to the point where I needed a DNC. At this point my period would last for months with a week or couple days break between. I get the DNC and after that and birth control I am pretty ok.

[deadqueengwenillustrations]

Daithe Piercing Headache Results

I got my daithe in both ears pierced at a tattoo place almost two weeks ago. This is going to be the daily report of how it has effected my daily chronic migraines and cluster headaches.

I guess to start off I should say that I always have a headache. Like, 24/7, don’t know what it’s like to not have a headache. It’s always severe enough to have an impact on my quality of life and ability to function normally. If I have a few glorious hours without a headache, I feel like I’ve taken a handful of oxy and smoked way too much weed all at the same time. Point is, I’m always in so much pain that I feel high out of my mind if I’m not.

I heard from a friend that a daithe piercing can help manage migraines due to a pressure point located near the piercing site. I did a little research, and found very mixed results. Some people claimed it completely got rid of their headaches, some said it brought down the intensity and/or frequency of bad days, some said it helped at first but the effects faded, and some said it didn’t help at all. When I walked into the parlor, I was cautiously optimistic and well aware of a possible placebo effect if I expected it to work. So I set myself up to expect nothing. I knew it had mixed results with no formal studies done, and prepared myself for the worst: swollen ears and bad-as-before migraines.

The actual piercing wasn’t terrible. It just felt like someone punched me in the ears with their knuckles. Working in a call center, putting on a headset two days after was the worst part. It caused severe irritation, and my jaw swelled up so badly I looked like an alien and my normally under-concerned father was ready to rush me to the ER. I declined. My ears were irritated, not infected. Note to all: do not wear headphones or earphones within several weeks of getting this piercing. You will cry. I cried and slept with ice packs on my head.

Now on to the part people are actually interested in hearing~!

Day One: Got pierced at 9pm. Headache from earlier gone, but may be because I’m in shock. (I got 6 piercings done in one sitting, 4 in cartilage, bad idea. Piercer called me a fucking gangster though. :3)

Day Two: I feel super high still. Much more pain in ears, but still no headache. Slept weird to avoid putting pressure on my ears. Neck extremely stiff, which would ordinarily trigger a migraine on its own. But it hasn’t!!

Day Three: First day back at work. No headache! Headset caused much irritation and swelling. Pain in jaw, ears and neck, but still no headache. Night time: swelling and pain is so bad that I’m crying. But no headache.

Day Four: My dad devised a plan that involves rolling socks into donut shapes and placing them between my ears and headset. Definitely helps. Still no headache!!!

Day Five through 10: I’ve gotten a flu type bug. Slight sinus headache from the swelling and congestion, but no normal headache or migraine. Swelling in ears is going down day by day.

Today is Day 11. I have not had anything but a slight headache due to sinus pressure, and that’s manageable with allergy medication like Benadryl. I’ve slept in strange positions that would have caused a migraine before I even woke up and have just had neck stiffness. I have not had a single headache day since I got these piercings. I know I’m not having a placebo cure because I did not expect this to work, especially not this well. But I was in so much pain I was willing to try anything.

I’ll keep updating!!