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thebonemanwrites · 2 years ago

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Weight

I was 155 pounds this time two years ago. One year ago I was 170. I am currently 160.

The weight shouldn’t matter so much. 15 pounds don’t define me. Not after everything I’ve been through. They’re just numbers, not cups of chai I’ve guzzled down over final projects, not pizzas from the town pizzeria I’ve gotten with the old neighborhood kids (adults, now?) after not having seen them in months, nor cups of hot chocolate I’d whisper over in the back booths of the diner over some grave matter, forming tough decisions between two sets of furrowed brows and two bright red booth cushions.

The weight shouldn’t matter. The numbers shouldn’t matter.

When I fell extremely ill with E. Coli at 8, I went from 80 to 60 in the span of a week. It was 20 pounds of me, wasting away, day by day, as my body refused to nourish me, and my mouth would chew meal after meal that would never reach my screaming muscles and tired bones. Doctors whispered over my withered legs about whether or not I’d make it out of that bed alive.

I was 90 pounds for most of high school. I was a lean stick bug of a girl, often brought in to model for my mother’s famous friends, even star in a commercial or two.

I had broken past 100, closer to 110. My rib cage had finally disappeared, now smooth under my skin. I put on a tight-fitting shirt right before my first solo in a spring concert. My mother came to the mirror and looked me up and down, before murmuring “you’ve gotten fat.”

I stopped eating. I stopped for you. Hoping that some day I’d hear you say “oh mashallah! The fat is gone! My daughter is beautiful again!” And one day you did, when I toed the line between 99 and 100. That was when I finally developed ample breasts. I was a finalist in a pageant. My girlish figure won many hearts that night. My sister was jealous of the comments I’d get of how “skinny” I was, of how she should “get out more”. But she also knew that I was weak and frequently ill. I was unfocused, and constantly had headaches and panic episodes. I shivered and shook. My doctor said I was beautiful. I couldn’t stop shaking.

I made my first real friend group since Aimee stopped talking to me because I didn’t drink and smoke and have sex as much as her. I was 120, close to 130. I played a game online where you’d live life as a model, and therefore had to stick to being 128 pounds or you’d lose. I was 128 exactly, and I made sure not to lose. But I was a teenager; I needed to eat. And my newer and nicer friends made sure I did. We’d get pizza and ice cream and hot wings and soda floats. We’d get popcorn at the movies and have hot dogs in the summertime. I checked the scale. I was 135. Exams were coming up, and I knew I was failing. I was getting beaten at home for being a failure in class, but at school I’d get bullied for being a failure at everything else. I was still a virgin at my old age of 16, after all! I stopped eating for a month. I went down to 100 again. I didn’t bleed for almost a year. My mother said it was “normal” at my age. My doctor said I was “fine, but could stand to gain a few pounds”.

At 17, we learned about eating disorders and sex. I was planning on killing myself at 18, so I was eating again, because there wasn’t any point in keeping weight off. Fat corpses don’t care if they’re fat, and no one is gonna fuck them anyway. I got up to 120. My period came back in fits and starts. I had energy now, but I still shivered at a stiff breeze even in the springtime, well after the flowers had begun to emerge from their buds. I didn’t monitor my weight as much. I wasn’t always so sick anymore. My mother said I looked “healthy”.

I didn’t kill myself. I was 18 and I had a girlfriend now. She was going to take my virginity and we were going to get married. I was 130. I didn’t care. I was in love. And she was in love as well, however more than me, more than anyone ever should. I tried to kill myself during a blizzard, getting lost with a bottle of pills through icy shards that formed a sheet of mist in the air. She asked why I didn’t have time for her anymore, why I spent so much time with my friends instead. I called her the next week and told her it was over.

I was determined to never be weak again. I passed 135, 145, I got worried but I was not going to be weak again, never again. I was strong, I was a man now, and men didn’t care about their weight.

I fell in love. His eyes were as dark as the night sky, and doubly as vast. He was beautiful in the way he moved, and smiled, and slowly but surely wrapped his arms around you and squeezed at just the right pressure to bring you back to reality, become reborn right there in his arms, like God molding humans out of clay with Their kind and strong hands. He was 155, he told me so at least, and so was I. It was perfect then, we were perfect, perfectly 155.

My friend took his own life, and the love of my life tried his best to do the same. He broke up with me as he stood on the ledge, telling me that he’d just end up hurting me if we stayed together anyway.

But he came back later as a friend, fresh from the hospital, and found me in mourning, for my dear friend, for all the love that was once in my heart that was now drained instead. I turned to my friends, to my family, and they held me like his strong arms did once, and re-molded me out of clay. 22 months ago I came out of mourning, still at 155. I had a new lover, a rebound, but he was quick and fun. 21 months ago, I was 155, and the world shut down. I lost my senior year, my year of healing, my will to get up in the morning, but millions lost so much more. The world was in delirium, watching toxic zookeepers on Netflix while millions died in the streets.

I hit 165. I told myself it’s because I’m not going out anymore. It’s illegal to do that now, so of course I’d gain weight. But it was fine. In just a few weeks, this would be over and I’d lose the weight. In just a few months, this would be over and I’d lose the weight. In just a few years…

I was told I was 170 by a doctor in December during my general check up. I had been living alone for half a year. I had no friends, I had no dignity. I let so many enter my body to prove to myself that I was still beautiful, despite the fact that I was heavier now. I let a man touch me in his bed, despite begging him to stop. But I didn’t stop him. I could have stopped him. I took a girl’s virginity, a boy’s first kiss, like cheap napkins at a restaurant, wiped my mouth, and threw them away. A boy I liked told me we were going to have to stop having sex. It was because I was fat now, wasn’t it?

By March I was still 170. It was my dead friend’s birthday. I tried to kill myself just like he did. I dumped my boyfriend. I was 170, suicidal, and a horrible person.

But spring did come, as did therapy and friends who took me from the hospital as soon as they could. All of a sudden, I had friends, so many friends.

I was determined to lose weight through the summer, not to be desirable, but to be me again, that last happy version of me, 155 and being reborn into the arms of the love of my life. I chased that version of me, three times a week on a treadmill.

It’s near Christmas now, almost two years since he dumped me while trying to dump himself off the roof of a dorm building. Everything is fine. I am in love again, and I hope this one stays a while longer. He looks at me in a way that I wish I could look at myself in the mirror every morning. There is no scale in my apartment because I don’t want numbers to rule my life anymore. But I am home for the holiday, and I look to the scale in my mother’s bathroom. I can’t resist. I am 160.

#tw: mental health #tw: suidice #tw: sui mention #tw: eating issues #tw: disordered eating #my writing #gender dysphoria #trans dysphoria #transgender #train of thought

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imeternallylove · 3 years ago

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🦦 here are my prompts!

I'm working with this for almost 3 months! However, feel free to use it~

🦦 requests always open

🐾 there are fluff/lemon/angst

🧸 it's a bit delayed for now, sorry

1. “I never saw you wear red lipstick.”

2. “Am I too late?”

3. “Don't be gentle.”

4. “Come over tonight?”

5. “Steak? Red wine?”

6. “Just go, don't look back.”

7. “I won't buy this.”

8. “I didn't sell anything.”

9. “Did you think I'm done with you?”

10. “Nice dress.”

11. “Let's stop this. It's over.”

12. “You'll be fine, I promise. Hey, stay with me.”

13. “No panties.”

14. “He/She's not my boyfriend/girlfriend.”

15. “Can we just stay like this forever?”

16. “Let's go home. You're really drinking too much.”

17. “Wanna bet?”

18. “Enjoying yourself?”

19. “Can we have him?”

20. “You are so mean.”

21. “Do it more.”

22. “If we die here, can I ask you something?”

23. “We can't do this here.”

24. “It's cold, at least just wear a jacket.”

25. “I'm not going anywhere.”

26. “Is there something on my face?”

27. “Lucy, 35, first met Morocco. You?”

28. “Are you high?”

29 “You're right. I don't deserve him/her.”

30. “Here's where you're wrong, he/she was already perfect.”

31. “Just breath, follow my breath.”

32. “It's only me think it's hot here?”

33. “Make your move.”

34. “First things first, hide the women and children.”

35. “You feel amazing.”

36. “How many times am I need to forgive you?”

37. “Take my hand.”

38. “Miss me?”

39. “You're cute when you're mad.”

40. “I still love you, and I hate myself for that.”

41. “Do you believe me?”

42. “Fuck!”

43. “Already did.”

44. “I love you more.”

45. “It's your fault if we get caught.”

46 “What about me? Is it mean nothing to you?”

47. “Just give me another smooch.”

48. “No. I can't lose you again.”

49. “What's I was wrong?”

50. “Oh, God. The oven!”

51. “Stop biting your lips.”

52. “You under arrest.”

53. “See? I'm not dead.”

54. “What the hell are you thinking?”

55. “Sorry to didn't come to you first.”

56. “I'm gonna kill you, I think.”

57. “Just pretend to be my date.”

58. “Why do you run away from your problem all the time?”

59. “Me? I'm just packing and leaving you.”

60. “Happy now? You win!”

61. “Shut up. Kiss me now.”

62. “You could die! What the earth are you thinking!?”

63 “Where could I blame you now?”

64. “Take my seed, take it, baby.”

65. “Who are you?”

66. “Listen, it's time for the truth. You need to know that.”

67. “You will remember nothing tomorrow.”

68. “Shave your beard or I won't give you any kiss.”

69. “Here, my resignation. I need you to confirm it.”

70. “Come on, sweetie. Don't hold yourself.”

71. “Can we- Can we just talk?”

72. “Get an ambulance. Now!”

73. “It wasn't... that bad...”

74. “No, no, no! No! This is not good right now.”

75. “It's not real. We aren't doing anything, just undercover.”

76. “So, you jealous?”

77. “Say that again.”

78. “Why can't you see that?”

79. “My family thinks we are dating.”

80. “Friend? Friend doesn't have damn sex like us.”

#fanfic prompt #fic prompt #prompt list #my prompts #otp prompts #story prompt #promtps

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inkmemes · 3 years ago

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this country ( 2017 - 2020 ) sentence starters ↪ taken from the bbc mockumentary. trigger warning for mentions of religion, death, sex. alter as you see fit ♡

“i like the underdog.”

“don't be a fucking dick.”

“everyone comes together on days like today and just forgets their utter hatred of each other.”

“everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people from my past that would love to see me slain.”

“there's a tea rooms there and under the counter they've got a panic button and if i take one step inside, they can press that. the police will be there in three minutes.”

"he whatsapped me the other day asking us to go laser quest with him and i ... well, i clicked on it by accident, didn't i? so he knows i've seen it."

"i mean, i get it, but it's not making me feel nothing."

“it's baffling. i'm baffled by the entire situation, if i'm honest.”

“what the actual fuck? what the actual fuck? you have fucking lost your head, mate. you have lost your fucking head.”

“when i get hold of you, i swear to god i will fucking deck you.”

"someone's just been throwing plums at my house. i'm going to kill them. i can't believe it. i can't believe it. all over this. plumming on here, plumming on that. plum on the sofa, look! there's nothing left that hasn't been plummed."

“i've had a target on my back since the day i was born.”

“thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.”

“do you know how small your brain is?”

“hogwarts is that way, dumbledore.”

“he used to say i looked like the puppet off the dolmio advert.”

“there's a kid crying over there. do you want me to...? i can tell him to shut the fuck up if you want?”

“he genuinely looked like a moomin.”

“on my first day of karate club, karate master goes to me, [name], i don't know why you're here because i can't teach you anything. if anything, you should be teaching me." and just gave me his black belt.”

“you know that little old blind man? yeah, when i was punching him in his face, the lens from his glasses broke and cut my knuckle.”

“some things are just best left in the past, where they belong.”

“what's the point in knocking if you're just going to walk in anyway?”

“it was a miscarriage of justice though, cos what people forget is 12 out of them 20 hostages actually found it funny.”

“i lied so much i still don't know what's real life and what's plain lies.”

“i'm so glad you're out of that lying phase.”

“he likes to be the only person on the road, so whenever he sees a car coming the other way he just pulls over.”

“nasa went through hundreds of them in the '60s. and now every time i see a really bright star in the sky i can't wish on it, cos in my head i'm thinking, ‘that's probably just a spacecraft with some monkey bones in it.’”

“you absolute traitor. that's my cheese - it's my fucking house!”

“don't you dare eat that cheese. you eat that and i will smash this. i promise you, i will smash you with this.”

“fuck! you switched them!”

“yeah, i can see it's fucking burnt, sherlock.”

“i honestly am ashamed to know him, sometimes.”

“if you knock on someone's door, don't take no for an answer. get into their house. if they say, ‘leave my house’, stay. and if they say, ‘i'm going to call the police’, you walk upstairs and see if there's anybody else upstairs to sell to.”

“she looks like uncle fester.”

“right. i'm going to piss in their flowers, then.”

“you really need to go home. your mum's called the police and everything.”

“you're also fired from being my best mate, by the way.”

“in business, there will always be setbacks. i don't drink my own juice, fray bentos doesn't eat his own pies. but that's business.”

“do you know what, i don't actually want to play this any more, because it is actually very, very boring.”

“i'm ashamed of myself, that's not usually me, so don't get the wrong impression.”

“i genuinely think one of them fancies me as well.”

“it's fate her moving across the street.”

“the problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.”

“yeah, i am looking for a relationship, but thing is i've just got so many trust issues, yeah, with being fucked over massive in the past, so no matter how much i get close to someone now i'm thinking in the back of my head, ‘shit, am i going to get fucked over?’ because i've been fucked over in the past massively. my last relationship proper fucked me up.”

“i went through a really dark phase. listening to papa roach and just blowing everything up with them little french bangers.”

“shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!”

“i don't like the man. i know he's my uncle, but i don't like him.”

“it's just malicious lies, that's all it is.”

“i'm not saying i've got a cruel heart, but if she ain't willing to take me as i am rather than the monster i've become, then she can literally just jog on back to sea with all the other fish cos i don't care.”

“what do you look for in a boyfriend?”

“the key to dating, yeah, is the two rs and the three ts. 'respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.' don't ever let that ball hit the ground. good relationships are built on great conversation.”

“on a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you, because that's what they'll be interested in.”

“he said to me, he goes, ‘you can't smoke on here.’ i said, ‘i'm not smoking, i'm vaping.’ the look on his face when i said that. i don't think he knew what vaping… what a vape is.”

“you would make me the happiest mouse if you say yes and become my spouse.”

“here's a tip, [name], next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.”

“roses are red, violets are blue, i've got five fingers, the third one's for you.”

“get out of my way, pipe cleaner.”

“[name] phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying, ‘come quick,

there's a hedgehog in the garden that looks exactly like grandad.’ so i got up, i got dressed and i ran over to [name]'s as fast as i could and then i just stopped in the middle of the street at three in the morning and thought, ‘what the fuck am i doing with my life?’

“you're joking me? because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.”

“oh, let me get a song up on youtube. you're going to absolutely love this, [name]. here we go… listen to this. oh, for fuck's sake, advert.”

“let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.”

“where do i see myself in five years? well, me and [name] will have a flat in the middle of the village and all of our furniture will be inflatable and we'll have cable and it will pay for itself, because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails, because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.”

“is this about the calippo, still? because you offered to buy me that.”

“if he wants to go, good luck to him, i say. i reckon he thinks that i can't live without him, which is a laugh, because he went a whole weekend away once and i got on all right. i just ended up following this cat around the village.”

“i've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day, instead of worrying about other people.”

“how about you say sorry? sorry for the massive knife that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.”

“oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back, feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.”

“can i just ask you an honest question? why would you want to leave the village when we've got a pub and a shop?”

“i think you don't know how lucky we have it to be doing nothing with our lives, like. we're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?”

“i want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.”

“i had this come through the post. and i've got a few concerns about it. firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant. not the sort of guy i was expecting, if i'm honest.”

“this is starting to stress me out a little bit.”

“why are you trying to stress me out? you know i'm already stressed out as it is.”

“the bloke that used to live in there, right, kept hearing strange noises coming out of his attic at night. and he'd go to the fridge and find that food was missing from the fridge. so he thought, ‘i'm just going to go up to the attic and check this out.’ and he found an entire family of peruvian panpipe buskers just living up there. and he thought ‘i'm just going to leave them to it, ‘cos they're not really doing me any harm.’ and then, a few years later, he thought, "well, i'll just go up to the attic to check on them. ‘see if they're all right.’ and it turned out they'd all died of asbestos poisoning. yeah, he doesn't live here any more.”

“some people will always be scared of me, and i can't change that, no matter how nice i am. but there's a balance to be had between being nice and being feared.”

“don't really like catching up. it's not my thing.”

“i just watched this video of this girl doing a random act of kindness on youtube. she basically paid for this old man's shopping at the till. and this old man was, like, about 90 years old. and he's so fucking old, like, you could see through his skin. and he just starts bawling his eyes out. he's like, ‘you're fucking joking me, this ain't fucking real life.’ i just thought... i want to make someone feel like that. ‘cos that's... i really… that's what i want to do.”

“i'm not dead. just can't be arsed to text her sometimes.”

“you know, correct me if i'm wrong, but four texts a day is complete madness. no-one can keep up with that.”

“i am doing kind things selfishly.”

“i was at midnight mass one year, right, someone got tipped off i was there. as i was coming out the church, someone tries to shoot me with a crossbow.”

“well, i haven't seen the film, have i? that's why i came here - to watch the fucking film - like a normal human being.”

“i've made an effort by coming here tonight. i didn't want to come.”

“i had to wheel him here from his house in an asda trolley, cos he was just too heartbroken to move.”

“sometimes you don't know what you got until you ain't got it any more. like blockbuster's. i just took 'em for granted - and then, one day, gone, and you spend ages trying to figure out what went wrong, and then you realise it was your fault all along.”

“i thought you said you wanted to fix things.”

“she wanted it to go that way, and it just wasn't gonna go that way. she even got me thinking that they'd get back together… ..but that's manipula.... manipulative people... do that. and he's better off without her.”

“that wasn't much to write home about.”

“it's fucking dead, isn't it?”

“basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters, and i don't know who's doing it - and i am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor, so, if somebody attacks me from the sides or snipes at me from an upstairs window, i am fucked - but my hearing is excellent, see? so i just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar, and i'll be fine then.”

“if you don't like the work, the circus is in town and they're always looking for clowns.”

“his soul is just going to crumble to dust.”

“this really is not a good situation for me. a physical threat is something that i can deal with, but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.”

“just really fucked in the head, mate.”

“what have i done? i haven't done anything wrong.”

“do you know how sad that is? that is so, actually, sad. that makes me sad for you, that you can't take a joke.”

“i think i just got a bit carried away with the whole thing.”

“your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.”

“i'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.”

“when i lie in future, i don't want a massive lecture on how bad lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.”

“i'd quite like a coke.”

“it's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because… like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all… ...the pieces smashed up.”

“like, this one time i started a fight club in the village hall, and i got a black eye from beating myself up. but it made my enemies think, ‘fuck, if she can do that to herself, what the fuck can she do to me?’”

“i'm absolutely 1,000% sure i've broken it in two places.”

“i knew this day would come.”

“i should be in tk maxx, getting the bargains that i deserve.”

“unlike you, [name], i'm not a fashion disaster.”

“i'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.”

“you know, it took me ten years to get over [name], and i only went out with her for half a day.”

“i swear to god, if i see him here again, i swear to god, i will have no hesitation in just going up to him and just planting one on his face.”

“right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah? nosy old cock-womble.”

“[name]’s attitude to me is puzzling. if i walk past her in the street

and say hi, she'll tell me to fuck off. yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice christmas card. you know, there's just no consistency there.”

“he's good-looking up close, isn't he?”

“don't show me any weakness, because i will take advantage.”

“no, put the brick down, you fucking psychopath.”

“when i asked him, he just said, ‘come to my office now,’ which means we're in the fucking shit, cos we're always in fucking shit.”

“i shouldn't be paying you at all.”

“i've always had a son. i talk about him all the time.”

“he's my son. he's not my dog.”

“it reminds me of the wicker man. i don't really know why.”

“i just find it weird how you can be so close to someone and they can be such a big part of your life, and then the next minute, you're just sort of strangers in the night.”

“i don't want the emotional implications.”

“well, about five years ago, i sold my birthday to my mum for about 200 quid, which means my mum's legally entitled now to never celebrate my birthday ever again for the rest of my life. not even, like, a happy birthday cup of tea, or a moonpig card, nothing - which is the worst decision i ever made in my entire life.”

“he deserves that anyway, because he's been sexting my nan, so…”

“what's this surprise? cos i need to know whether it's going to be worth this walk.”

“i always see them banners above the motorway, and i always thought, ‘who the fuck does them?’ well, now i know. people like me.”

“did you know you can't get stung by a stinging nettle if you grab the leaf top and bottom, like that? it's only when you touch it on the sides, it stings. agh, actually, that stung, then.”

“pez dispenser, they're cursed. they are, i'm not even joking. honestly, when i had one of them, i had the worst bout of bad luck i ever had in my life.”

“i swear down, it's a short cut. it might be a pleasant walk, we might enjoy it.”

“i'm not scared of the fox twins. i'd just like to sit them down and ask 'em plainly, ‘look, guys, what is going on? ‘cos this has just gotten completely out of hand now. you know, stop walking on your knuckles, stand up straight, be the best version of you that you can be. get a job, even. there's a trolley boy who works at tesco's, you know, who may as well have been raised by wolves. if he can get a job, you guys can walk it.’”

“yes, there has been talk of strange goings-on in the woods, ghost sightings and the like. but… ...they're never from particularly reliable sources.”

“i live with a ghost. there's a ghost in that house. he's like a civil war cavalier, with all the hair and the hat and all that. and every time i walk into the living room, he doffs his cap. and on his shoulder, he's got this crow that barks at me. it means i spend less time in the house, really. not because of him, because he's-he's quite peaceable. but the crow is malevolent. and i'm not having that. i can't share my house with a malevolent bird.”

“that's haunted as fuck.”

“am i going mad here, or does that, to you, look like that's where just ghost will hang out all the time?”

“look at him, little red riding twat.”

“if he's got an attitude with me, i swear to god, i'll just grab the steering wheel and drive us all into a wall.”

“it's a bit annoying, actually. cos this is not the first or the second time i've had to tell you, really, is it?”

“his sparkle has just gone.”

“you know my dad actually wrote the song wonderwall on the back of a beer mat in the space of ten minutes, don't you?”

“i've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny little favour to ask you.”

“when i think of [name], i think of someone who is very loyal. and very, very stupid. sort of more stupid than loyal. sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably. because she's very loyal. but extremely stupid.”

“do you know what? i actually don't think he loves you at all and i don't think he's ever loved you.”

“all right, that's harsh and unnecessary, but fine.”

“frankly, she is behaving like the antichrist.”

“i literally just got here.”

“you are such an unemotional slab of ham, [name].”

“i've got so much shit on that man you would not believe.”

“there's something in my eye.”

“i just can't quit him, you know?”

“yeah, we might have a fiery relationship, but when we're together, it's just… it's just pure chemistry, isn't it?”

“i'm not proud of it, believe me. but at the end of the day, i'm a very vindictive person, you know? it is what makes me me.”

“i basically went out and bought an alpaca off gumtree for £500. of all the mistakes i've made in my life, that was possibly the largest. definitely the physically largest.”

“yeah, i really don't wanna talk about that.”

“her only loyalty is to herself, staffies, and the tv channel dave… ...which, in my opinion, is a tv channel made by knuckle-draggers for knuckle-draggers.”

“i can't move on till i've seeked revenge, unfortunately.”

“if that was in france, that would be fine, but we're not in france.”

“the only thing we had in common, really, was stealing, and that was more my thing that i got him onto. but it just goes to show, you know, some friendships last and some friendships don't, but that's just the way it is.”

“you know it was me that got you sacked, don't you?”

“the thing i learnt about friendship is, you gotta accept each other's flaws, no matter how toxic they may be.”

“shit-stirring from beyond the grave.”

#rp meme #rp prompt #rp starters #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #this is the nichest meme ive made #but this show is so fucking funny okay

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misssparklyprincess · 3 years ago

Text

Enhypen Prompts

Hi i’m taking request for Enhypen.

sent a member

Details on character // non idol // best friend // optional

sent up to 3 prompts

If you want you can give me details

please tell me genre and then the prompt example : (a) 18 and (f) 2. combining is possible

I DONT WRITE SMUT!! little suggestive (only for hyung line) // i use she/her pronouns // i’ve never written in GN!reader so i can try if you prefer.

FLUFF PROMPTS

1. “I dont know if im super horny or super touch starved.”

2. “Are we on a date right now?”

3. “hold me” “what?” “You heard me.”

4. “I’m here for my daily fix of hugs and kisses.”

5. “I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m around you”

6. “I love you so much I wanna make a song about you”

7. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

8. “Dont you think ___ and me make a good couple?”

9. “I’m not going to stop poking you until I get some attention”

10. “You say you’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for me.”

11. “Forget about them. They aren’t worth your time, but you know who is? Me.”

12. “Let me hug you dammit!”

13. “Your eyes are beautiful.”

14. “Focus on right now. Fuck the future and the past.”

15. “Close your eyes”

16. “Stop looking at them and look at me!”

17. “I never noticed how much you loved me.”

18. “You’re mine, I know it’s cliché but…”

19. “I trust thats you’ll always come back to me”

20. “Can I kiss you?”

21. “Why are you up? Do you need me to stay up?”

22. “You’re okay. I promise.”

23. “Pinki promise kiss”

24. “Hold my hand so people know we’re dating”

25. “Just relax okay?”

26. “Saying "I love you” is new to me, but I promise I do.“

27. " I like the way your hand fits in mine”

28. “The only person that should be on your walls should be me.”

29. “I know you’re being late for school but let’s just say you’re sick and spend all day cuddling”

30. “You actually love me?”

31. “Your lips look better when they’re against mine”

32. “Wait, are you Jealous?!”

33. “Sorry I have a girlfriend” “I am your girlfriend you idiot”

34. “We’d make such cute babies though”

35. “Come on, dance in the rain with me”

36. "Stop teasing just kiss me already!”

37. “Go with me?” “As long as you hold my hand.”

38. “Sharing is caring, now give me the hoodie!”

39. “Are we about to kiss right now?”

40. “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

41. “Have you seen my hoodie?” “Nooooo…” “You’re wearing it, aren’t you?””

42. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”

43. “Lets get ramen.” “Its 3am”

44. “Your comfort and happiness is more important to me than some stupid dinner.”

45. “Let’s just-” “have sex” “no, sleep, but thats an option!”

46. “Stop I'm supposed to be mad at you”

47. “Let me paint your nails!”

48. “your lips taste like cherry.” “wrong flavour, lets try again.”

49. “I apologise sincerely if my beautiful/handsome face has kept you up all night.”

50. “Stop moving! I’m going to have to start counting all over again!”

51. “You’re so warm!”

52. “You’re freezing, Jesus!”

53. “Will you be mine?”

54. “Don’t give me that look. No… NO! I said no puppy dog eyes! You know I can’t resist them! Argh, fine!”

55. “Take my hand, I wanna show you something…”

56. “Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.”

57. “How did you get in here?”

58. “I don’t care if you’re sick, catching a cold from kissing you is worth it.”

59. “It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

60. “I’ve been trying to get ready for like an hour and an half because I know you’re going to look so good and I need to try and match up.”

ANGST PROMPTS

1. “I’m fine. Stop asking.”

2. “Why won’t you get out of my life!”

3. “You were ready to leave me for her”

4. “You thought this was real?”

5. “All he ever did was use you. Why can’t you see that?”

6. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

7. “It wasn’t meant to go this far. I swear.”

8. “I was doing fine. Really, and then you waltz back in like you didn’t break my heart.“

9. “You say this is what you want but your eyes are telling me a different story.”

10. “Running seems to be all you’re good at.”

11. “You left. What did you expect me to do?”

12. “I fell for you.”

13. “I didn’t have a choice..”

14. “The moment you saw me as a bet was the moment you fucked up.”

15. “Leave him and marry me.”

16. “If you really hate me then look me in the eyes and say it to my face.”

17. “Who the hell abandons someone they ‘love’?”

18. “Don’t you get it? I’m in love with you and it scares the hell out of me.”

19. “Step out that door and we’re done.”

20. “That was supposed to be me. Not him.”

21. “It was an accident. I swear to god!”

22. “I screwed up.”

23. “Why won’t you listen to me?”

24. “You’re always on my mind.”

25. “Are we still okay?”

26. “Don’t you love me?”

27. “Shouldn’t you be with him/her?”

28. “That’s in the past.”

29. “I don’t love her!”

30. “You’ve only heard his side of the story. You never asked for mine.”

31. “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.” “Well… you’re going to have to.”

32. “What did you expect?”

33. “Don’t lie to me.”

34. “Can’t you stay a little longer?”

35. “Pack your shit and get the fuck out.”

36. “You deserve so much more than what I can give you.”

37. “Just leave me alone.”

38. “I can barely look at you now.”

39. “I was a fool for not seeing this earlier.”

40. “You broke my heart.”

41. “I never want to see you again.”

42. “If you know what’s good for you, then don’t come around anymore.”

43. “Wait, I didn’t mean that. Please come back.”

44. “I never meant to hurt you.”

45. “Stop crying.””

46. “Please, please. I’ll do anything, just talk to me.”

47. “This wasn’t supposed to be this complicated.”

48. “I’m not blind. I can see the way you look at them.”

49. “I loved you. Wasn’t that enough?”

50. “You lied to my face.”

51. “So, you’re just kissing strangers for no apparent reasons?”

#enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #enhypen heeseung #enhypen jay #enhypen jake #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen sunoo #enhypen jungwon #enhypen niki #kpop #misssparklyprincess

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godofsexdrugsandrocknroll · 4 years ago

Note

Kali took Blake's hentai out of her room and is now openly watching it in the living room, with Blake and other people still in the house.

The point where Kali should feel ashamed of what she’d done? Come and past - probably right around the time that the animated wolf faunus with the light gray hair, gray wolf ears and large, equally light gray eyes tried to speak around the length of cock pistoning in her mouth with little regard to the fact that this was the woman’s mouth and not, in fact, the pussy, that the human male was pounding relentlessly with spit flying everywhere.

“Iff shfo glurff muffar!” Indeed.

But truly, who could blame her? After years of dealing with her daughters absence, suddenly having Blake willing to live with them was a new experience and one she probably wasn’t dealing the best with. After all, most mothers wouldn’t dream of snooping the way she did. But for all that Blake Belladonna, one of the eight 24 year old “Heroes of Remnant”, inspired awe and hope in the people of Remnant and even more in the faunus community, well...Kali remembered the little girl who’d once seen a package of fruit snacks with red gummy fish, promptly ripped it open and devoured the bag before rolling on the floor, spitting chunks of the fruity treat while disgustedly proclaiming “cherry flavored!” over and over again.

Charismatic, impassioned leader of the Faunus Civil Rights Coalition or not, there was a distance between mother and daughter created by the latter’s 12 year absence in her mothers life.

They tried of course, but Blake was used to her freedom and Kali was a creature of habit, perpetually uncaring of what many called “the line” but still desperately trying to reconnect with her daughter.

So the fact that Kali scoped out the usual spots for teenage contraband when she cleaned her daughters room really shouldn’t come as a surprise. Ghira certainly hadn’t been when Kali had, giggly as she approached, revealed the contents of a lock box Blake hid under piles of increasingly tiny and intricate undergarments. Granted it was just old photos of them together, a cheap plastic ring with a cartoonish lion heard stretching down to the knuckle and pieces of fabric that smelled of the two of them rather than anything else, but it was the thought that mattered.

She of course neglected to mention to Ghira where she had found it, amidst of a sea of panties, thongs and even a g-string or two. Where she was curious, Ghira would have been ill.

So she’d kept snooping, impressed not just at the collection of underthings her daughter owned (and very amused that her own predilection for the sexier, the better had been passed onto Blake), but at the false bottom that had been discovered and...well, novelty might be the right word for things like the crotchless panties she found there.

Then she’d found other things. A collection of muscle magazines hidden carefully behind a dresser that had seen use judging by the crinkled paper, but not recently given the finger shaped spots on the otherwise dusty covers. Lube carefully stacked behind her books.

A chest full of devices, from dildos to wands to toys and more than a few strap ons. And while Kali was surprised at the amount, she was less so when she remembered that her daughter was in a relationship with a rather...well, the polite term would be ‘generously well endowed’ blonde who was openly vulgar about what the two of them got up to behind doors; when it was just Yang (said blonde) and Blake, in what they thought was the privacy of an empty room.

The collection of nearly three dozen cases advertising Mistralian hentai hidden in a crawl space however had thrown Kali for a loop. And, well, you know what they say about curiosity and cats.

And so Kali stared wide eyed at the covers depicting cutesy anime girls, most of them faunus, in various poses and stages of undress. There was Faunus Fuck Frenzy, vol. 32 - where apparently three faunus best friends were captured in a jungle and fucked into full blown ahegao faces by tribal looking, human natives if the cover was anything to go by.

Watashi no kōkō no tōnamentoāku - a dog faunus with short brown hair, floppy bloodhound ears and breasts the size of beach balls in nothing but a pair of spandex shorts and biceps, abs that were intimidating in their intensity...but was covered forehead to navel in semen, the bodies of unconscious teenage boys and their cocks of varying size left defeated on the ground in the cover’s background.

Others, too. One where the blue haired bluebird faunus was a loli and surrounded by leering men. Another where a golden haired, golden eyed snake faunus had her faunus feature, her exceptionally long forked tongue, wrapped around a penis that was closer to the size of arm and was bulging with veins with her curvaceous body on all fours. A bushy tailed squirrel faunus bound, gagged in a contortionist’s nightmare with the shadow of a grinning man behind her.

By the time Kali saw it - it being what she was watching now, a lonely single faunus mother checking out a sex club while her children were being babysat - it was too late. Blake had arrived with her girlfriend Yang, Kali’s personal assistant, the ex-terrorist Ilia, Yang’s sister Ruby and her not-a-boyfriend Oscar Pine and the blonde, suit clad boyfriend of the Schnee heiress, Jaune Arc.

So Kali had used the kind of speed that made her a popular choice for stealth missions back when she was in the White Fang and put every single case back in the crawlspace and had all but teleported into the living room, smiling and nodding as Blake mentioned that the group was going to go discuss something-something-faunus-something-something-SDC-something-something-if-you’d-make-us-some-dinner-that-would-be-lovely-thank-you-love-you-bye.

Kali’s breathing had returned to normal even if her heart still pounded and she’d pulled Amongst Sheep from behind her back and stared at the lonely MILF, stunned at her daughter’s kinkiness. There’d been exactly 41 films in the crawlspace and aside from the muscular bloodhound faunus who’d apparently fucked her way through at least 11 different teenage boys to claim some sort of victory, each and every cover seemed to depict faunus getting dicked down by human males. Or the occasional female, sometimes simply female and other times with a dick dangling between their thighs. The faunus in question seemed to love it and almost seemed subservient to the ones doing the fucking.

While Kali was amused at her daughters apparent kink especially in light of her place as a faunus rights spokeswoman of great fame, there was a much larger problem. Staring at them all had made her unquestionably horny to the point of wetness. But Blake, her girlfriend and her friends were home. Ghira was in the kitchen just two rooms away, making a large meal for their guests happily after she asked him to do so. There were workers in the back of the house, rebuilding their back wall after Ghira had hip tossed an assassin of the rapidly dwindling White Fang remnants through it last week.

A reasonable, sane woman would have hid it and enjoyed it in the privacy of her own room later that night. Maybe give Ghira a ride while she watched it after convincing him she rented it over the scrollnet for added fun. But the idea of watching it in her living room, a living room that was open to all of the house with no doors, her husband far enough away to know she was watching something but not what and her daughter, her friends only a single floor up? With her room right above the living room?

The disc was in, Kali’s legs were spread after removing her hakama and her modest breasts were exposed to the warm air, her fingers immediately tracing her slick folds.

The plot had gone from 0 to 60 in what seemed like record time (but was probably only 20 minutes or so), the mother surrounded by horny human men while her fellow faunus were in various poses of submission. The mother partaking in the orgy and rapidly spiraling from a stereotypically sweet woman with the kind of body only art could give, to a sex crazed lunatic thanking her “master” for fucking her mouth even as her makeup ran, her dump truck of a rear was being molested by a faceless human behind her and her gargantuan tits bounced from the force of the careless facefucking all while she squealed, even as the humans made crude and rather disparaging remarks about faunus women.

Ghira: [From the kitchen] Enjoying yourself, dear?

Kali’s breath hitched as her fingers pushed in deep and she grinned, curling them as a jolt ran up her spine as the wolf faunus - Lupa, she remembered - squealed once more, her cheeks puffing out like a chipmunks at the deluge of jizz firing impossibly from the human.

Kali: Oh of course, darling! There’s a program about human-faunus interactions that’s just fascinating!

She heard no response but could practically hear her husbands indulgent chuckle. As Lupa now hoarsely begged for the man who’d been fucking her mouth to “shut his stupid dog right back up!” the floor creaked and someone moved around a bit. Kali bit her lip, eyes catching the closed window and the worker carrying tools by. Her left hand had since been massaging her right tit for some time now and she tweaked the brownish nipple on her olive skinned titty, moaning harshly as Lupa suddenly screeched! The man who’d been squeezing her cheeks had pushed her face down into a puddle of spit and spunk and forced himself in an ass that not even she could compete with! She watched as the warbling moans of the anime MILF grew in intensity.

Kali: [Sputtering] And now we’re even getting to see a faunus tribe and how they survived in the Grimmlands!

Ghira: [From the kitchen] That’s nice dear.

Kali: So nice! Really Ghira, you would not believe some of their customs!

Or her own, at this point throwing any concern of being caught out of her mind. The floor had creaked as if someone had tossed themselves on Blake’s bed, likely Blake herself after hashing out a particularly tough point. The thought of Ghira finding her was exciting, of her husband’s disbelief that she’d be so bold. One of the workers? Well, Ghira would likely punish her for giving them such a show but the idea of teasing them so cruelly, knowing that they would remember this for quite some time but never be able to do more than furiously jack their cocks off to the memory of it and just how hard Ghira would give it to her, pushing her face in a pillow as he flattened her exceptional cheeks with his angry downstrokes. Blake and her friends? As a third finger entered her lightly squelching pussy - as Lupa followed an order and lapped up at the puddle as her nearly yoga ball sized cheeks rippled in constant motion - and her palm started slapping against her clit, she squealed at the sudden increase in pleasure.

Blake would be beyond humiliated. At her shameless mother, at her own filthy little secret being discovered by anyone other than perhaps Yang. Not to mention that both Oscar and Jaune would commit this site to their memory banks, perhaps even as their flush faced friends lambasted them for their obvious erections!

The floor creaked more, as if they were moving and Kali twisted her nipple, watching as the MILF on screen started wailing from the anal assault, the man having both hands in her grey hair and pulling her head back. As the animation gave way to the light grey eyes rolling towards her nose as her tongue flopped out, Lupa’s face got steadily redder. In return Kali gasped at the mixture of pleasure and pain coming from her right tit, using her left hand to awkwardly do the same to her left and moaning as a shadow passed the window behind their television.

Ghira: [From the kitchen] Dear? Is something wrong?

Kali couldn’t help it. The thought of being caught was too good, the knowledge that this was what her daughter liked - something so disrespectful, base and diametrically opposed to her own beliefs - and the way she was handling her own body made her let out a louder groan.

Lupa: [Television] “...myself that day, lost the woman who put her children first... to big. Fat. Yummy. Human. COCK!!!! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!”

Kali: Oh no, Ghira! Just a quote from another bigot!

Kali’s fingers were now a blur, an eye on the window where no worker stood and an ear on her husbands response, the sound of a load of cum being pumped into an animated faunus whose face showed no signs of intellgence as a faceless human filled her anus with his release, squeezing each asscheek so aggressively he was clearly holding booty fat between his hands.

Ghira: [From the kitchen] You know how it is, freedom of speech. Is it at least handled...

She knew what he meant. Is the documentary at least attacking the negative opinion, showing how wrong it is?

Lupa: [Television] “--aaauuuuuwwwwsho good~” [giggling drunkenly]

She was close. Her heels clunked lightly against the table in front of her couch as she adjusted her legs, opening them wider as she now alternated between full thrusts and thumbing the clit, beneath her thick patch of black pubic hair. The scene changed several times, to Lupa’s ankles and wrists bound as a man pumped her full of cum. Another where a group of university aged humans were busily raining down an amount of cum only possible in hentai as Lupa serviced two cocks, one with her mouth and the other with her hand. A married couple sandwiching Lupa between them with Lupa’s cheeks being squished by the human taking her in doggy, excess ass fat bunching up as Lupa screamed into the man’s wife, her hairy human cunt. Another where Lupa sat on the counter of a sandwhich shop as an older, balding man stood between her legs as her eyes fluttered and the slick sound of her sex, of unexpected squirting. One final scene showing Lupa lying upon her shoulders, legs spread in a perfect split as a muscled man fucked down into her as she screamed “Master!” over and over.

To a final scene where a school bus pulled away and Lupa, in a white turtleneck and nothing more, leaned around a corner and had a warm, motherly smile on her face.

Kali: [Strained] Absolutely, Ghira!

Her palm made heavy clopping noises as she fingerblasted herself to that warm motherly smile staying in place...but only because it had frozen there, drool leaking from the corners of Lupa’s mouth as her eyes were all but rolled back in her skull as a random human steadily slammed into her from behind, the only sounds being the wolf’s cheeks clapping and the wet plap! of semen pouring from her currently-being-fucked pussy.

Human: [Television] Take it all, Ms. Lupa!

And then the abnornal sound of jizz being pumped into the drooling faunus and her dripping pussy, Lupa’s eyes gone pure white as they rolled back into her skull and an overlay of the action inside her happening; a sea of thick white swirling inside her and then a flash of light from an egg indicating pregnancy.

Between the two workers clearly arguing over tools outside their window but clearly not seeing her, being in conversation with Ghira and the threat of being found out, Kali felt it build.

Several things happened at once. Lupa showed up on the screen staring down at a human baby with brown hair and her eyes, before turning away smiling softly. She entered a room where an unfamiliar human sat on her bed, a member that nearly reached his own chest pointing towards the ceiling. Lupa dropped to all fours and fastened a chain to a black leather collar she was wearing, muttering “master” over and over again as she crawled forth.

Kali scraped three fingers against her g-spot and ground her palm against her clit and exploded in release.

Kali: No doubt, it’s marvelously done!

Her pitch considerably higher as she lost her fingers to the repeatedly clenching hole, knees shaking as her orgasm crashed through her like waves upon the beach.

Blake: [Shocked] Mo-ther! [Strangled] No Yang, don’t look!

Ruby: [Stammering] Y-y-y-you either, O-oscar!

Ilia: Why must the world be so cruel!?

Jaune: Mad that another hot cat faunus is taken?

Blake: [Squeals] Jaune!

Ilia: Yes!

Blake: [Squeaks] Ilia!

Yang: I mean, can you blame ‘em? I can see where you got it from, babe.

Blake: [Squeaks, chokes, growls] Stopitstopitstopit!

Jaune: [To Ilia] Same.

Blake: Butwhatno--NO! You have Weiss!

Jaune: Appreciating the view is not cheating.

Ruby: Yes it is!

Jaune: I am happy in my relationship with my fiancée. I will never cheat on my fiancée but I have no control over Blake’s mom fingerbanging herself to...whoa.

Yang: [To Blake] Heh, told you it was a bad idea to keep those here! Ooh, is that Amongst Sheep!? [Respectfully] She’s got good taste.

Oscar: Blake watches hentai?

Ruby: A-ack! Y-y-you saw!? Dammit Oscar!

Ilia: [Fumbling]

Blake: Wha-no-it’snot--

Kali breathed heavily, removing her digits from her pussy and feeling much better and with a glance at her sticky fingers, cleaned them with a quick schlup! of a noise.

Blake: AAAHH! Mother, no!

Kali: [Exhausted] Sorry sweetheart. But that collection of yours, oh my.

Jaune: [To Ruby] Okay, now I’m feeling a little guilty.

Ruby: You should!

Ilia: [Stops fumbling] Collection? She has more?

Blake: Moth--

Kali: Over forty.

Ilia: And they’re all... [gestures]

Kali: Except for one with a female dog faunus.

Yang: That’s mine. [Blake screeches in horror] Blake wanted me to ‘expand my horizons’ or something. I think Blakey just wanted me to be a perv too.

Oscar: Wait. Dog faunus? Watashi no kōkō no tōnamentoāku with Tawni Bumpus as Rei-chan’s seiyuu?

Yang: Heh. Yeah, you’ve seen it?

Ruby: Wha--

Oscar: Have you seen Tawni Bumpus?

Jaune: And now I’m uncomfortable.

Yang: Chow-Chow faunus, right?

Oscar: Yup. She’s -- a-ah... [trails off in embarassment and fear for his life at Ruby’s glare]

Yang: [Snorts] Has an ass that makes the Bellabooty look like Weiss in comparison?

Jaune: [Eyes narrow] I’m letting her know you said that, top heavy.

Yang: [Flinches, irritated] I’m sending you a picture of her. She’s got cake for days, Arc.

Oscar: Well, a-ah, the point is Tawni is very p-pretty [panics] b-b-but not as pretty as Ruby and she really does have a captivating voice.

Jaune: [Staring squintily at Yang, speaks at Oscar] Riii~iight.

Blake: Alright, stop! No more talking about my porn!

Ruby: Ah, so the degenerate admits it!

Ilia: Huh. I mean I can see Yang, maybe. But Blake?

Yang: One, rude. Two, it’s a power dynamic thing. She doesn’t really want to be treated like an animal and collared by humans all the time, but sometimes she’s in the mood and I’ll put on the strap and the things that’llmmmphh!!!

Blake: [Hands on Yang’s mouth, panting, red faced] No. More.

Kali: [Covering her chest back up, crosses legs] Dear, it’s perfectly understandable. You’re a powerful young woman with not just skill unmatched in the sword but your Shadow Clones were key in your final battle with Salem! It’s perfectly understandable wanting to surrender yourself to a strong girl like Yang! You trust her and really, Lupa’s descent into a plaything was as masterfully done as it was--

Blake then ran away screaming, hands over her face and seconds later a door slammed. Yang winces.

Kali: Perhaps that was a bit too much for her.

Ruby: [Eyes narrowed] She just discovered her mom’s a superfreak.

Kali opened her mouth, saw that despite the time passed that both Oscar and Jaune were not looking directly at her and were both at full mast. Ilia was quietly cursing at her scroll phone, which the chameleon had been aiming in her direction prior to making herself decent. Clearly cursing her poor reaction time and missing a photo op.

Kali: Hmm. I suppose that might be a fair assessment.

Ruby: [Angles her body to hide Oscar’s boner] You got problems, lady.

Kali gave a nonchalant shrug, still feeling too good to give 100% to caring.

Jaune: [Claps hands] Well, not that this hasn’t been just a blast, but I think I should go tell Weiss exactly what happened here before somebody [glares at Ruby who glares back] texts her.

Yang: [Scratching her head, staring at the stairs] Heh, you just want Weiss to “punish” you. Never met a guy so ready for a girl standing five foot nothing to take him to poundtown in the Amazon position.

Jaune: [Reddens] Then clearly you have no idea how hot Weiss is when she’s mad.

Yang: [Blinks] Huh. All that time spent around Nora and me’s doing you good, Jaune.

Jaune said nothing and turned away. Oscar was trying to engage a depressed Ilia in conversation while avoiding Ruby’s death glare, the reaper herself irritated at her “not-a-boyfriend” being a pervert. Yang stood contemplating how to handle Blake and Kali just sighed, uncrossing her legs and wincing at the stickiness and the slight sound of it as she stood. As she clapped her hands lightly, intending to try and make this better, it happened. A platter of spaghetti and meatballs hit the floor.

Ghira: What in the garlic-oregano-noodley fuck is going on here!?

The room froze. Kali gave her husband a sheepish little smile, standing with her kimono top done up poorly and missing her hakama pants, shapely legs on display. Ilia had reaimed her phone at Kali’s legs even as Oscar had a hand up to block the view, his other over his stiffy. Yang’s mouth hung open in shock and Jaune had frozen, his own hands dropping to hide evidence of his own hard on. His daughter was conspicuously absent.

The most damning thing was the menu screen on the teleivsion, showing clips of Mistralian hentai that wasn’t exactly kind to faunus. Jaune spoke first.

Jaune: [Urgently] Yeet me out the house Xiao Long and I won’t tell Weiss about the crack you made on her ass!

A flash of white aura protecting the Arc occurred and Yang grabbed him by the arm and threw him through the wall. Ruby grabbed Oscar’s hand at the same time and the two disappeared into a swirl of roses out the same hole, a distant “ouch” being heard as they likely collided with Jaune. Yang was halfway up the stairs and Ilia stood frozen, scroll aimed at Kali’s legs. Ghira glared and Ilia eeped. She glanced at Kali who gave a smirk that was unapologetic and much to Ilia’s dismay, sexy.

Kali: It’s exactly what it looks like, darling. [Purrs] Is my big strong husband going to spank his naughty wife?

Ilia’s scream of terror was muffled as Ghira’s hand clasped around her face and then faded into the distance as she was chucked from the Belladonna household.

Jaune: [Barely audible] Dammit, stop running into me! Respect the healer!

Ilia: [Barely audible groaning]

Ghira: You will explain yourself, wife.

Kali: [Flutters eyelashes, purposely ignores him] Will you promise to spank me if I don’t?

Ghira growled, angry at the situation but knowing he’d get nothing out of her now and with a grunt, threw his laughing wife over his shoulder and stomped grumpily to his room. Really, he loved this woman to pieces but why did she find it so enjoyable to test his every last nerve!? He ignored the frantic sound of what sounded like his daughter opening her secound floor window and muttering something about “not again” and threw his smirking wife on the bed, growling as he ripped his armor, his clothing off.

On the ground floor, a rhino faunus and his crocodile faunus friend gaped at the hole in the front of the house.

Rhino Faunus: Oh, what in the actual shit is this!?

Crocodile Faunus: Rich people, man. Rich people.

#rwby #smut #kali belladonna #ghira belladonna #blake belladonna #yang xiao long #ruby rose #oscar pine #ilia amitola #jaune arc #this is what happens when you let a drunk type #what's crack-a-lackin'#idek #a christmas story

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the-fiction-witch · 4 years ago

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NSFW 100 Paul

1. What's the dirtiest thought you've ever had about a total stranger? About a stranger? Ohh I don't know? Maybe that time I thought about having sex with that girl with the huge boobs in the bus but that was years ago.

2. Do you prefer sex at night, in the morning, mid-afternoon, or NOW? I like morning sex, theses something sweet and cuddly about it

3. What's your favourite way to be seduced? It's gonna sound weird but like pet me, like run your hands down my arm, or my neck, or stoke my chest or my hips or something just literally touch me and I uhhh I am good.

4. What's the dirtiest fantasy you've had at work? At work? What are we counting as work? Because I don't really think about much other then music.

5. How would you dominate your boss sexually if given the chance? Who are we classing as my boss? Our manager? Ooohh noo no no thank you.

6. What do you do when you get horny in public? Just kinda... Untuck my shirt and use it to cover my pants. And usually notify my girlfriend to uhh help with that.

7. Have you ever masturbated in a public bathroom? No! Have you been in a men's public bathroom. I don't even wanna go in there unless I absolutely have to and even then if I can't just piss in a bush, there usually three blow jobs, a murder, a drug deal and someone with horrific diahrea... I don't wanna step food in there.

8. What's the weirdest thing you've thought about while touching yourself? I don't know I don't really think all that much, I thought about a cup of tea once but to be fair I did just want one when I was finished so...

9. What's the strangest prop you've used to get yourself off? ...... A shower head. Look we have an old rickety shower okay! And when the water comes out the whole head like moves and stuff we had to put an elastic band around it so it actually stayed on the wall it moved around so much and, one night after me and y/n has been, kissing a little in the early dating stages I kinda just held it to my shaft and ... You can imagine what happened

10. Do you remember the first time you felt aroused? Yes! The first time y/n came over in this little blue dress she had always worn fairly high neck dresses and such but uhh this was a uhh well low cut and I saw cleavage and boobs and I uhh yeah I got very very hard.

11. Who gave you your first orgasm? I did! We technically my pillow did, same night after y/n had gone home I uhh yeah kinda just wrapped my legs around the pillow thinking about her and next thing I knew I was cumming. That was an eventful day.

12. Do you remember what that first orgasm felt like? Not at all. All I remember was that it hit like a tone if bricks and I had to bite the pillow so I didn't scream

13. Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you never knew? Not sex. I've got a blow job from someone I didn't know the name off but that was before me and y/n where dating.

14. What's your favourite thing about a quickie?

Hearing her trying to be quiet it's so adorable and cute.

15. What the most sexually daring thing you've ever done?

Sex onna bus! Yeah we where heading home to my flat one night after a gig and we where sat at the back of the bus all alone and I pulled her on my lap and we uhh yeah we had sex.

16. Have you ever fantasized about fucking one of your teachers? No I have not. That's a weird thing to do.

17. Do you ever mentally strip strangers just for kicks? Nope. I do not have the time or the thought capacity

18. And then imagine, in dirty detail, what it would be like to fuck them? Nope. You know who I imagine does thought. John.

19. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?

Yes.... George. John dared us! I got him back I made him show is cock at a gig.

20. What inspires you to make the first move? Ummm Im not sure, usual just the thought comes into my head we have been sitting her a while or kissing a while or whatever so my hands just kinda take that as there sign to uhh do something already.

21. In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed? To pleasure your lover.

22. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend because you just couldn't help yourself? No! I saw the other boys do it and saw how it ruined everything, I love y/n far to much to ever hurt her like that.

23. Have you ever pushed the boundaries of fidelity to the brink and then retreated just for the rush? No!

24. Do you have a go-to masturbation fantasy? Y/n climbing out my shower wrapped up in her little towel, dripping wet, coming into my bedroom putting my shirt on and nothing else and getting all cosy in my bed and maybe playing with herself a little... But I'm usually done by then

25. What kind of porn turns you on? I don't mind some of the magazines, not the ones where there like fully naked I like the little linguee and long shirts kinda magazines

26. Have you ever had sex with your eyes closed? Many times, not on purpose I just get overexcited and shut my eyes

27. Have you ever blindfolded or handcuffed your partner? No, but... If y/n would like to I have no issue with that.

28. Does naughty talk get you aroused?

Yes... 29. Are you sure about that, my dirty little forest nymph of a sex god?

Never sure my sexy babydoll

30. What's the dirtiest thing someone's ever said to you during sex?

I don't know honestly she doesn't talk all that much

31. Have you ever watched another couple get it on without them knowing?

No!

32. Have you ever watched another couple have sex with their permission?

No! What is with the pervy questions!

33. How would you respond if a couple approached you to be their "third"?

No thank you I have a beautiful girlfriend and I am very content with her

34. What's the most flattering thing someone's said about your naked body?

So beautiful, so sexy, I want you inside me now!

Yeah we both went a little nuts that day

35. When's the last time you had a vivid sex dream?

Like three weeks ago, I don't sex dream all that much maybe were having to much sex to make me horny in my dreams?

36. What do you think an orgy would be like?

Hot, sweaty and gross, no thank you

37. Have you ever propositioned a total stranger?

A couple of times usually egged on by john, but the most that ever came out of it was a blow job

38. What does your ideal one-night stand look like?

A nice sexy time, maybe a spoony cuddle, a cup of tea and then off home

39. How long does it take you to get yourself off, on average?

Myself about twenty minutes but I don't usually count when I'm with y/n

40. What's the weirdest thing that turns you on?

Seeing her in my clothes... That does things to me that I can't explain but it's so hot! My shirts, my boxers, ummm she looks so good!

41. Have you ever had a naughty dream about a close friend or family member?

I guess y/n counts before we where together as she was one of my best friends

42. Have you ever woken up humping your pillow?

Yes. Many times.

43. When's the last time you orgasmed in your sleep?

Years ago. I don't do that anymore now I just wait till I see y/n luckily she usually right in bed with me

44. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you while hooking up?

John walked in on us during a uhh delicate time, as I was literally about to fucking cum! And now he knows to fucking knock!

45. Do you like touching yourself in front of the people you sleep with?

Many times y/n likes to watch me sometimes, and she likes to call me up and listen to me while I listen to her

46. What's the dirtiest text you've ever sent or received?

Well she once handed me a note that said "My house tonight parents are out x p.s being by favorite toy please xxx" ummm just thinking about it makes me hard.

47. Do you prefer professional or amateur porn?

Amateur!

48. What's your favourite blowjob technique?

Uhhhh suck I guess I don't know if you have it in your mouth I'm happy

49. If you had to pick, would you be a dominatrix or a submissive?

I think I am... Submissive. Just a little bit, maybe a lot

50. Is there anything you won't do in bed?

Anything with anal can fuck off on me or her

51. What's your dirtiest sexual fantasy?

Y/n coming in the room in my shirt pulling me around by my tie, tieing me to the bed and ummmm letting her do whatever she wants to me and I'd be bad just so she'd spank me.

52. How many people have you slept with?

Uhhh I think two. Maybe three? But I think two.

53. Where's the weirdest place you've had sex?

On john's apartments kitchen counter, he and the other guys went out to get take out for dinner and uhh we may have had sex on his counter top... Sorry John.

54. What's your favourite part of Y/n's body?

Her boobs. Or her hips I like both

55. Have you ever had anal sex?

Yes and it can fuck the hell off! I do not get what guys love about it so much it was had for me bad for her, the only time it was tolerable was when it was me! Ohh... I don't think I should have said that.

56. If you could choose what Y/n was wearing right now, what would you choose?

My blue boxer shorts and my red button down... Ummm with half the buttons undone

57. Where on your body is your favourite place to be touched?

My chest, I like when she pets me there.

58. If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Our bed of course?

59. When did you first had sex?

Ohh it was a terrible night, bent her over a bench in the park, the boys could hear us it was a weird time and I didn't enjoy much of it at all as I really liked y/n and this was just some pub girl named alice then but after it I got some courage and asked y/n out and we've been happy ever since

60. What's the best sex you've ever had?

The first time we did it in my apartment, we could be loud, we could take as long as we wanted, we could be kinky, we didn't have any worries and it was amazing!!

61. What's your favourite position?

I like to be ridden. But what boy doesn't?

62. Have you ever been caught having sex?

Yes, many times, john, my dad, her mum, all of my band, we get caught alot

63. Do you watch porn? I look at magazines

64. What kind of porn do you watch?

Magazines

65. How often do you masturbate?

Before y/n and I where dating actually even we where dating, before we became sexual in our relationship, twice a day at least now... I don't I literally haven't for over a month y/n takes care of me now

66. Name a sex position you'd like to try?

I wanna try reverse cowgirl so badly!!

67. Do you prefer to give or receive?

Give! I like hearing her gasp and moan for me

68. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes! It was fun I wanna go again but it's really really cold.

69. What's the most sex you've had in a day?

Ten I believe is the record.

70. Are you loud or quiet during sex?

Loud, we are not a quiet couple

71. Have you ever tried using food during foreplay?

Yes! We used honey my god it was so sticky never again!

72. What's the first thing that sexually attracts you to someone?

Personality, the boobs.

73. Would you say you have any fetishes?

I like to be spanked. And tied up.

74. When it comes to BDSM, how far have you gone/would go?

She has tied me up, and she spanked me sometimes, and... We may have done anal on me but that's it

75. What's your favourite toy?

Either the shower head or... Y/ns little spanking paddle she keeps at mine

76. Do you ever read erotic fiction?

No, but that sounds fun

77. Have you joined the mile high club?

No but I shall one day I vow to do so!

78. Do you think you could take off Y/n underwear with no hands?

I know I can I have done it many times I use my teeth and my tongue

79. Would you say you're kinky?

I don't think I am that kinky but y/n is and I just allow her to do whatever she wants to me

80. Do you enjoy shower sex?

Yes!! It's so good, so warm, and wet and the shower is good too, plus we get to use the shower head on each other fucking hell she sqeauls!

81. Where's the weirdest place you've ever masturbated?

Under the table at the school library, I couldn't stop thinking about y/n and yeah I uhh did that

82. Do you like to be spanked?

Yes... but only when I've been a bad boy

83. Have you ever fantasised about someone else during sex?

Once, the first time, I imagined she was y/n

84. If y/n caught you masturbating, would you stop or would you finish?

I would do whatever she asked me too but I know she'd likely wanna watch me finish for her

85. Have you ever had an inappropriate crush?

Not really, y/n was pretty normal a crush so no.

86. Have you ever cried or fallen asleep during sex?

I have cried many times,

87. Do you prefer eye contact or not during sex?

I like it but it tends to make me louder and more needy

88. Do you like to kiss during sex?

Very much, the more kisses the better

89. Do you get tired after sex?

I do, usually I cuddle up to y/n and give her a kiss and we fall asleep in each other's arms

90. How many positions do you think you've tried?

Uhh not all that many four I would say as a guess

91. What's the longest you've ever gone without sex

I guess about a week, if we are not counting before time

92. How high is your sex drive?

Medium, y/n has a higher drive then I do

93. What's a surefire way to turn you on?

Rub your hand across my neck as we kiss and all the way down till your rubbing my cock, fuck it makes me hard!

94. Sex with lights on or lights off?

On! I wanna see what's going on

95. Do you like dirty talk?

I like when she calls me a bad boy, especially if she is also rubbing on my cock or spanking me at the same time the dirty talk adds to it

96. Do you prefer one night stands or longer-term sexual partners?

Long term

97. Do you prefer to be on top or bottom?

Bottom!

98.Rough or romantic?

Romantic

99. Quickie or marathon session?

Marathon! I wanna go for hours and hours!

100. What's the best thing about our sex life?

Awww, that we have complete faith in one another I don't worry about you while I'm gone and you know you don't have to worry about me, so when we get together again I get to have my perfectly smutty girly that I love ever so much, that and it's fun when the boys ask where I get my brusies from and I get to say there hikis from my sexy girlfriend, even if they are in usually places.

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danielxricciardo · 3 years ago

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Song lyrics prompt list

1. “It’s the little things about us, that I love so much.”

2. “Last night I told you I loved you // woke up blamed it on the vodka”

3. “It’s a better place since you came along”

4. “You make me love the things I hate “

5. Just a paper sheet and half a cigarette are left in my hand

6. Your faith walks on broken glass

7. "And can you teach me how to dance real slow?"

8. "I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe"

9. "One night, you won't forget the rest of your life"

10. "We only said goodbye with words"

11. "I'll try to give you love until the day you drop"

12. "I like the pretty boys with the bow tie"

13. "Lets get drunk forget what we did"

14. Your kisses lift me higher

15. When you're ready we can share the wine

16. "And if you don't love me now you will never love me again"

17. "Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"

18. "When there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove"

19. She's the kind of girl who only asks you over when its raining, just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling.

20. Now I understand, you're a human, and you got to lie, you're a man

21. The good and the bad times: we've been through them all.

22. Now I ain't educated but I sure ain't stupid

23. I grew up in the shoes they told me I could fill

24. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

25. A lover would just complicate my plans

26. And in the morning, i’ll be with you, but it will be a different kind

27. My heart is yours, it’s you that i hold on to

28. And with one kiss, you inspired a fire of devotion that lasts for twenty years

29. I let go of my claim on you, it’s a free world

30. I’m in my bed, and you’re not here and there’s no one to blame, but the drink in my wandering hands

31. Cause you gave me peace and i wasted it, I’m here to admit that you were my medicine

32. Oh, dear diary, i met a boy, he made my doll heart light up with joy. Oh, dear diary, we fell apart, welcome to the life of electra heart

33. For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind

34. Is it really me you're missing?

35. Remember that night?

36. How many times can I break till I shatter?

37. As long as I breathe, I’ll call you my home

38. "You wouldn't know love if it crushed your fucking chest."

39. "When we scream our lips don't make a sound."

40. "Please don't let me sink, wrap your arms around me and carry me home."

41. "This hasn't torn us apart so nothing ever will."

42. "A long time ago we believed that we were united."

43. "I miss the person that you were but I don't miss you."

44. "If home is where the heart is, why do I feel so fucking heartless?"

45. "I can't live, I can't breathe with or without you just go away."

46. "I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid I'll survive and have to watch you suffer."

47. "I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away."

48. "I'm not like you I just fuck up."

49. "All because of you I believe in angels, not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home when home becomes a strange place."

50. "I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again."

51. “I wish people liked me more.”

52. “How could I ever love someone else?”

53. “I guess you’re getting everything you want.”

54. “She probably gives you butterflies.”

55. “I hope that you’re okay.”

56. “I defended you to all my friends.”

57. “I never cared about what they say, only care about me and you”

58. “Either way i’m gonna lose, so i’m just gonna keep on loving you”

59. “You know i’m bad at communication, it’s the hardest thing for me to do”

60. “Iwas your lover, i was your friend, now I’m only just someone you call when it’s late enough to forget”

61. “It’s fucked up but it’s true that i love you like i do”

62. “Well we both had nights waking up in strangers beds but i don’t wanna, don't wanna, i don’t wanna give up yet”

63. “Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow.”

64. “I’m begging for you to take my hand.”

65. “I can’t make it go away by making you the villain.”

66. “He feels like home.”

67. “I’d be breaking all my rules to see you.”

68. “But I know you’re not scared of anything at all.”

69. “When can I come back?”

70. “I’m ready to owe you anything”

71. “I’ll always look best in your head”

72. “I know you know it’s wrong, but I’m ready”

73. “All I ever want is breaking me apart.”

74. “Let's talk sweetly like all our love is false.”

75. “You put a fire in my heart, painted blood on my stars, gave me faith.”

76. “I wanna meet your girlfriend, she sounds nice.”

77. “How is kissing me so wrong?“

78. “Can’t you see that I’m already yours?”

79. “I’ve been losing track of the romantic sh*t I’m tryna say but basically I love you"

80. “I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips, I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath”

81. “I apologize for all your tears, I wish I could be different but I’m still growing up into the one you can call your love”

82. “I’m out of my head, of my heart, of my mind cause you can run but you can’t hide, I’m gonna make you mine”

83. "I never loved someone the way that I love you"

84. "It's the way that you know what I thought I knew, it's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you"

85. "I hope she gettin' better sex, hope she ain't fakin' it like I did, babe"

86. “I know we’re young and people change and we may never feel the same”

87. “I can’t change the world, but maybe I’ll change your mind”

88. "You don't own me. Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay."

89. "Leave everything that is worth a single cent and just take me instead."

90. "And then I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet, just so you can take advantage of me."

91. "Hey, I can't let you go with nobody. Cause I love you, baby."

92. "Tell me that it wasn't my fault and that I was enough for you."

93. "We were good at faking forever, I get it, whatever."

94. "Cause you had your chance and you blew it. Yeah, you ripped it up and you chewed it."

95. "Well, I'm too busy for your business. Go find a girl who wants to listen."

96. "Stop looking at me with those eyes, like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why."

97. "Oh, we could do whatever you want, but boy, don't go falling in love, you can't stay with me, all you'll ever have is one day with me"

98. "I pray the medication slow me down, but that shit doesn't work when you're around"

99. "Told her that I loved her once and now she'd kill for me"

100. "What the tell were we? Tell me we weren't just friends"

#angst prompt #dialogue prompts #writing prompt #fanfic prompt #story prompt #prompt list #my prompts #song quotes #music #song lyrics #lyrics #lyric quotes

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carpediem-celebrpg · 4 years ago

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This meme will remain active (able to reblog) from March 18th - March 21st

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? 2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? 4: Do you find it easy to trust others? 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? 8: Are you close with your dad? 9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? 10: What are you listening to? 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? 12: Do you like hickeys? 13: What time do you go to bed? 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? 16: Do you always answer your texts? 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? 18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? 19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? 21: Is anyone else in the room with you? 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? 24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? 25: In the past week, have you cried? 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? 27: Do people ever call you by your last name? 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? 29: Do you have a best friend? 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? 31: Who was your last call/text message from? 32: Are you mad at anyone? 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? 35: How many more days until your birthday? 36: Do you have any summer plans yet? 37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? 41: Do you think age matters in relationships? 42: Are you available? 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? 45: Do you believe exes can be friends? 46: Do you regret anything? 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? 48: Did you ever lose a best friend? 49: Was your last kiss a mistake? 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? 52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? 53: What was the last thing you ate? 54: Did you get any compliments today? 55: Where are you going on your next vacation? 56: Do you own anything from other countries? 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? 58: Where have you lived most of your life? 59: When was the last time you took a long drive? 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? 62: Who do you text the most? 63: What was the last movie you saw? 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? 65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011? 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? 67: Do you curse around your parents? 68: Are you happy with where you live? 69: Picture of yourself? 70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? 71: Have you ever been dumped? 72: What do you most like about making out? 73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? 74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? 75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? 76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? 77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? 78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? 79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? 80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? 81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? 82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? 83: Do you miss your last sweetie? 84: Last time you slow danced with someone? 85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? 86: How can I win your heart? 87: What is your astrological sign? 88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? 89: Do you cook? 90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? 91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? 92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? 93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? 94: Name four things that you wish you had! 95: Are you a player? 96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? 97: Are you a tease? 98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? 99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? 100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? 101: Hugs or Kisses? 102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? 103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? 104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? 105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? 106: Do you flirt a lot? 107: Your last kiss? 108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? 109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? 110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? 111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? 112: Does someone like you currently? 113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? 114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? 115: Ever made out with just a friend? 116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? 117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.

If you’re reblogging you’re accepting any question that comes in so please don’t say, “I’m not answering this,” or “It’s private,” or any variation of those kinds of answers. If you’re asked a question you must answer.

Questions must be sent out to every character who reblogs this.

#cdcrpgmeme

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tabloidtoc · 4 years ago

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OK, March 15

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Britney Spears' revenge

Page 1: Big Pic -- Melissa and Joe Gorga during a beach day in Miami

Page 2: Contents

Page 3: Contents

Page 4: Tiger Woods on the mend -- Tiger is counting his blessings as he recovers from a terrifying car crash

Page 6: Queen Elizabeth announced in a statement that her grandson Prince Harry and his pregnant wife Meghan Markle wouldn't be returning as working royals, noting that it was no longer possible for them to continue with the responsibilities and duties that come with a life of public service, and almost immediately, Harry and Meghan shot back with a seemingly rude reply, saying we can all live a life of service and service is universal -- no one was more disappointed in Harry's response than his brother Prince William and William finds this behavior both baffling and sickening and he can't get his head around it and William feels the family has been understanding and fair while Harry and Meghan continue to sit on their high horse flinging insults and from William's perspective there is simply no excuse for snide and ego-driven swipes made towards the queen -- especially right now, since three days prior to Her Majesty's statement, Prince Philip was rushed to a London hospital and the queen's been worried sick about her husband and should not be dealing with this added stress -- the whole situation has left William feeling hopeless and he fears Harry is too wrapped up in his own self-importance to see the hurt he's caused and that is unforgivable in William's eyes

Page 7: As Soleil Moon Frye's messy divorce drags on, a loyal pal from the past is providing a shoulder to cry on in Brian Austin Green who she reconnected with while shooting her upcoming documentary Kid 90 -- Brian can feel her pain because he's still hashing out his split from Megan Fox so he knows exactly what Soleil is going through -- they've been friends for more than 30 years and they're going to see each other through this tough time

* Tom Cruise got all pumped up for Mission: Impossible 7, but now that filming has wrapped, he's desperate to stay in fighting shape for the next installment -- Tom was thrown for a loop when the studio postponed filming M:I 8 instead of shooting the movies back-to-back so now he's putting himself through the wringer doing crunches, pullups, squats and weights but Tom's brutal, military-style workouts have friends and loved ones, including his rumored new girlfriend, M:I7 costar Hayley Atwell, worried that he could be pushing himself to the breaking point and everyone wants him to take it down a notch, but he won't listen -- physically, Tom still thinks he's invincible, but the fact is he'll be turning 60 in less than two years and if he keeps going at this pace, there's a big change he's going to do some serious damage

* Life has been twice as nice for Christine Quinn since she found out she was expecting -- the Selling Sunset star, who's pregnant with her and businessman husband Christian Richard's first child, isn't holding back when it comes to treating herself -- the famously free-spending realtor has been splurging on designer maternity clothes and lingerie to lounge around in at her L.A. mansion and she has flowers delivered daily for every room in the house

Page 10: Red Hot on the Red Carpet -- stars rock statement-making halter dresses -- Lili Reinhart, Camila Morrone, Brie Larson

Page 11: Chrishell Stause, Naomi Campbell, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Uzo Aduba vs. Drew Barrymore, Charlize Theron vs. Kaia Gerber, Bella Hadid vs. Naomi Scott

Page 14: News in Photos -- Steve Martin did what he does best while filming scenes of his upcoming mystery-comedy series Only Murders in the Building in NYC

Page 16: Nicole Scherzinger stepped out for lunch with beau Thom Evans in West Hollywood, a casually dressed Reese Witherspoon matched her shirt to her Draper James canvas tote while boarding a private plane in L.A., Paris Hilton and Carter Reum

Page 17: Rebel Wilson stopped by the gas station to fill up her car in L.A., Mariska Hargitay took a selfie while shooting Law & Order: Organized Crime in NYC

Page 18: Sarah Jessica Parker assisted customers at her eponymous shoe line's store in NYC, Chrissy Teigen at lunch at Wolfgang Puck in L.A., Naomi Osaka with her trophy for winning the Australian Open in Melbourne

Page 20: The Masked Singer panelist Jenny McCarthy in a golden tiara and caped dress before taping a new episode, for a recent date night Outer Banks stars Chase Stokes and Madelyn Cline whipped up a cozy plant-based dinner in L.A., Jason Sudeikis filled up on a sandwich on the set of Ted Lasso

Page 22: Bella Hadid strutting around Manhattan, Helena Christensen and her dog Kuma in NYC

Page 23: In partnership with Ziploc Janel Parrish created the Hot Mess Makeup Line in Vancouver, Cara Delevingne in Puma's new eco-friendly line

Page 24: Usher stopped by the dry cleaners West Hollywood, Padma Lakshmi and her pooch braved the cold weather in stylish jackets in NYC

Page 25: Tia Mowry for Late July Tortilla chips, four days before filing for divorce from her husband Kanye West of nearly seven years Kim Kardashian looked somber while out and about in L.A., during a stroll Busy Philipps stopped to check out something on her phone in NYC

Page 26: Scott Disick matched his 'do to his drink at the Sugar Factory in Miami, Justin Long stocked up on groceries in L.A., new couple Mod Sun and Avril Lavigne were inseparable after a date night in L.A.

Page 28: Inside My Home -- Claire Holt's airy abode

Page 30: Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott have taken the next step in their almost two-year relationship: they've secretly tied the knot -- they've been talking about getting married for about a year and just decided to go for it and the intimate ceremony took place in front of a few family members at Jonathan's Las Vegas home on Valentine's Day and it was spur of the moment, but that's how Zooey likes to do things and now Jonathan too and they put it together in a matter of days and everyone got a verbal invite to come -- Zooey wore a Bohemian-inspired gown and flowers in her hair while Jonathan wore an all-white suit and Zooey serenaded Jonathan with a love song she had written -- guests including Jonathan's twin brother Drew Scott and sister-in-law Linda Phan were treated to a gourmet buffet and video and arcade games -- now the couple's eager to grow their family and Jonathan will be a great stepdad to Zooey's children Elsie and Charlie but he's been saying for months that he can't wait to have kids of his own and they've already started trying

Page 31: Blake Lively and husband Ryan Reynolds are one of the most charitable couples in Hollywood and now the big-hearted duo are ready to take the next step by adopting a baby in need -- Blake and Ryan who share daughters James, Inez and Betty have donated millions of dollars to organizations working to protect the rights of immigrant children separated from their families and awaiting deportation -- day by day they've been warming up to the idea of providing an orphan with a forever home -- Ryan jokes that Blake is a baby machine who would have no trouble getting pregnant again, but their hearts really go out to these kids

* Ever since Bridgerton became a monster hit, the sizzling chemistry between Rege-Jean Page and costar Phoebe Dynevor has fans convinced that they're an offscreen item as well, but Rege-Jean's girlfriend Emily Brown is fed up with keeping their real-life romance under wraps and she's starting to feel like Rege's dirty little secret -- Emily has been dating Rege for two years and shares a home with him in East London -- the show's producers have been happy to let the rumors about Rege and Phoebe fly because it made their steamy sex scenes that much more believable -- Emily, a part-time soccer player and copywriter from Manchester, loves to go to pubs and party, which she and Rege used to do before the show came out -- Rege insists that keeping their relationship on the down-low is no big deal, but Emily wants everyone to know that the hunky Duke of Hastings is spoken for

* Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have got the parenting thing down pat, and they're ready to share their know-how by penning a how-to manual -- their friends have been begging them for advice for years and Mila and Ashton make having kids look like a fun adventure and for them, it really is -- now that Ashton has wrapped up shooting his new thriller Vengeance, he and Mila finally have a little downtime and the handbook will include the duo's dos and don'ts for raising their children Wyatt and Dimitri like they never argue in front of the kids and make sure to treat them equally -- Mila's the stricter one and Ashton's the softie, but it's a team effort and it works and they admit it can get a bit chaotic, but they don't sweat the small stuff

Page 32: New parents Kit Harington and Rose Leslie may be in baby heaven, but they're dealing with the home renovation from hell -- the Game of Thrones alums, who recently welcomed their first child, have been up to their ears fixing up their 15th-century country manor, which is turning out to be a huge money pit -- Kit and Rose bought the $2.4 million spread shortly before tying the knot in 2018 and had no idea what they were getting into and the couple got hit by sticker shock when they finally got their plans approved to put in a new kitchen, master bath, pipes and flooring and it's going to cost them an extra half a million at least -- they still think it's the perfect place to raise a family, but overseeing an army of builders and designers with a newborn at home is leading to some serious sleep deprivation

* As Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles' romance heats up, the couple is planning a heart-to-heart with her ex-fiance Jason Sudeikis -- after filming wrapped on their movie Don't Worry (for the love of all that's holy, please put in a comma) Darling, the lovebirds flew to London to meet with Jason, who's been on the set of Ted Lasso in England because Olivia, who shares two kids with Jason, wants to clear the air and have a calm conversation about how everyone moves forward from here, and she wants Jason to realize that Harry is here to stay and Olivia needs Jason to understand this is a serious relationship, whether he likes it or not

* Baby Boom -- these celebs recently welcomed little ones -- Wilmer Valderrama and fiancee Amanda Pacheco welcomed a baby girl, Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahones and fiancee Brittany Matthews welcomed a daughter named Sterling Skye, Mandy Moore and Taylor Goldsmith welcomed a son named August Harrison

Page 34: Cover Story -- Britney Spears fights back -- she is ready to reclaim her life and she's looking to take down anyone who stands in her way, starting with her father, Jamie Spears

Page 36: In the wake of the #FreeBritney movement, Justin Timberlake who dated Britney Spears from 1999-2002, and publicly insinuated her cheating ruined their relationship, took to Instagram to offer a mea culpa, saying he wanted to apologize to Britney who he cares for and respects and he knows he failed -- he also contacted Britney directly to express his regrets over how he handled their breakup because he wanted to do the right thing and Britney accepted his apology and she was touched by the gesture and thought it was absolutely sincere and they had a nice little chat and it made Justin feel better knowing that Britney didn't hold any grudges

Page 38: They're So Grown Up -- the kids of some of Hollywood's biggest celebs are striking out on their own -- Ava Sambora is the daughter of Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora, Maya Hawke is the daughter of Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, Damian Hurley is the son of Elizabeth Hurley and Steve Bing

Page 39: Lily Sheen is the daughter of Kate Beckinsale and Michael Sheen, Jack Depp is the son of Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, Lola Consuelos is the daughter of Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos

Page 40: Interview -- Dwayne Johnson -- with a new TV sitcom based on his early years, The Rock reveals all about his rollicking adventures growing up

Page 42: Slim Down for Spring -- how these stars got their best bodies ever just in time for the warmer weather

Page 46: Style Week -- Sara Sampaio is fronting Michael Kors' new campaign for its latest perfume, Gorgeous

Page 48: What's Hot Right Now -- break a sweat stylishly in LoveShackFancy X Beach Riot's limited-edition collection -- Nina Agdal

Page 49: Preppy Tennis Fashion -- Lele Sadoughi turns to '70s and '80s country club looks for its spring/summer 21 accessories

Page 50: Gift Guide -- self-care session -- pampering gifts that benefit body and mind because, hey, there's never been a better time to treat yourself -- Miranda Kerr

Page 52: Chrissy Teigen is a fan of affordable de-puffing and brightening holographic foil eye masks

Page 58: Buzz -- costars reunited -- Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay for Law & Order: Organized Crime, 13 Going on 30's Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner reconnected on the set of their upcoming movie The Adam Project

Page 59: Rachel Bilson shared a snap of herself with O.C. costar Melinda Clarke, Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel who played a beloved couple on Boy Meets World starred in Panera Bread's new commercial for Valentine's Day, Rebel Wilson and Adam Devine of Pitch Perfect met up during Super Bowl LV game in early February

Page 60: Sound Bites -- Jennifer Love Hewitt on her night out with Betty White, Henry Golding on expecting his first child, Drew Barrymore on never going under the knife, Salma Hayek discussing billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault

Page 61: Tiffany Haddish on taking a chill day, Colin Jost on letting Scarlett Johansson plan their wedding, Cameron Diaz on whether she plans to return to Hollywood, Kehlani on feeling sexier as a mom

Page 62: Horoscope -- Pisces Connie Britton turned 54 on March 6

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Ana de Armas

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mytastessuck · 4 years ago

Text

Gorillaz: Humanz

SHere it is, the comeback tour! I was so excited for this album, I sucked all the singles that came out before I could download the album. This album basically reminded me of the reasons I love Gorillaz. All of them. One particular reason a little too well...

Okay, let's get the elephant out of the room. This album is a bit controversial among the community for playing a little too hard to one of Gorillaz' strengths: showcasing cool artists. There are more than a few tracks where Damon doesn't even show up. Hell, my favorite track doesn't even have it on him. Me, I honestly don't care about that as long as I get to hear good music but for the rest of you die hard Gorillaz fans? Just think of this as a compilation album like NOW That's What I Call Alternative/Indie Hip-Hop/R&B/Electronica/Pop.

See? Rolls off the tongue. Now let's get started.

1. Intro: I Switched My Robot Off

Nice. Real ominous. Gorillaz really know how to build up a presentation. Feels like you're walking through the doors of the doors to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Anybody remember Legends of the Hidden Temple? Were there doors on that stage? Anyway, awesome.

10/10

2. Ascension

Holy hell, Vince really knocks it out of the park on this one. Different beat, nice flow, social commentary...He was not fucking around on this track. Damon's barely on the track but Vince makes up for it with his existential rhymes and chorus back-up. Man, Gorillaz has gotta take advantage of gospel more often.

9/10

3. Strobelite

That didn't take long, did it? Anyway, this is my favorite song on the album. Peven has an incredible voice, the music psychically compels you to dance and...that's it. Sometimes, well usually with me, you just need to go with Simple Yet Awesome. Have a good voice and a good beat. This song has both and I'm pretty sure that one day, a scientist will hear this song and will be inspired by it to cure diabetes.

100/10

4. Saturn Barz

Ah, the lead single from the album. Remember the 360 house, everyone? Yeah, you remember. Glad to have Gorillaz welcome back Reggae into their line-up with Popcaan manning the helms. He and Damon tag-team the eardrums with the power of dread as the instrumentation makes you feel like you're in a haunted house. Welcome back, guys.

25/10

5. Momentz

WELCOME BACK, GUYS! De La Soul returns to say some real shit about time and how you should, respect and stuff. Seriously, awesome track. Kicks so much ass and you can even dance to it as you wonder if this MOMENT will be one of the last times when you feel really happy. Nice...

9/10

6. Interlude: The Non-Conformist Oath

Hey, Steve Martin! I like to imagine a bunch of assholes listening to this and...just not getting it. Not us though. We get it. We're smart. Smarter than those guys...

10/10

7. Submission

This song had to grow on me but years after I got the album and after I learned to appreciate Danny Brown a little more like all humans should, this song became one of my favorites off the album. Don't worry Kelela, he doesn't carry the whole song. Her voice is so beautiful that it can calm a charging rhino or a coked-up Connor McGregor. These make the song a lot classier than it had any right being.

90/10

8. Charger

She's beauty, she's Grace...she's also Jones. Man, I haven't heard from this woman since Corporate Cannibal and she has clearly been keeping up practice. God, how can a woman's laughter both scare and arouse me? Damon's no slouch on this track either, singing about the monster that keeps us all tethered: the charger. I kid, I kid. Hey, did Damon really get a boner on stage when he sung this or are you guys messing with me? Message me if you know.

9/10

9. Interlude: Elevator Going Up

On a recent trip, I tried to go up the elevator but it was card-activated so a desk lady had to help me. That's it.

8/10

10. Andromeda

Damon has to do the heavy lifting here and his muscles have not completely wasted away from lack of use. He tells us to take in our heart and you know what? I did. I took this song directly in my heart...and my playlist.

50/10

11. Busted And Blue

Yeah, this song is a bummer. A good bummer. It's Broken's younger brother who joined the army to make his parents proud after he couldn't get into university like his older brother who managed to form a separate family with his squad and began to think that maybe he was good enough after all before his squad gets bombed and, as he lies legless dying painfully on the ground, a blue butterfly land directly on his outstretched busted hand...

Directed by Mervyn LeRoy

10/10

12. Interlude: Talk Radio

You ever wonder how we get voices in machines? I know you think it's a complicated process but I know a dude who picked up the radio in his electric fan once. Think about it.

8/10

13. Carnival

Again, this song had to grow on me but one day, while I was thinking about Gamzee for a godforsaken reason, I thought "Geez, he talks about the Dark Carnival and the Dark Carnival isn't even some of ICP's best days. What's a good song about a carnival?" Anyway, Anthony can spin a person's mind and mind around just by singing. He's wild.

80/10

14. Let Me Out

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Mavis was Vince's mother? She's not but that would be funny as well as cool. Her and Pusha T bang on the walls of this track as they rant about the politics at the time of this song. Yeah, they're talking about Trump. That car horn can't protect you forever, you orange bastard.

9/10

15. Interlude: Penthouse

Dear Penthouse: Hi. Does anyone check in on you, just you? I'm here to say I think you're important and you provide a necessary outlet for men to brag about being perverts. At least before the Youtube comment section existed.

Thanks for everything,

mytastessuck

8/10

16. Sex Murder Party

Ooooo, this track puts me in a funky mood. Like, there's a part but there's sex there...and MURDER. So you know it's an awesome party. Kick-ass, right? I know it's kick-ass. Keep dancing, people.

11/10

17. She's My Collar

Pretty sexy song. Gotta love people vauging about being used in a song. That's why we love Offspring, that's why we love Damon on his knees onstage. Hey, there was a post that said Noodle wrote this song about her girlfriend. That was an excellent post. Well done.

9/10

18. Interlude: The Elephant

I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BASTARD!

8/10

19. Hallelujah Money

Ah, the technical first single. Remember when they said that they weren't going to put this song on the album? Anyway, this is exactly the song we needed after The Incident occurred. Benjamin manages to calm down an entire populace while Damon just fearfully wonders what our future will be like...and he's in the UK. This song is one long terrifying lullaby to an entire country...until the end, anyway.

75/10

20. We Got The Power

A great way to remind listeners that no matter what's happening, no matter who's in charge, we have the power change everything. An excellent message for people who were still recovering from The Incident.

10/10

21. Interlude: New World

Okay, the bonus tracks. Should be nothing special here, right? Just some B-sides and I've never shown favoritism towards B-sides, right?

8/10

22. The Apprentice

A nice song from the same Rag n' Bone Man who brought us "Human". Zebra manages to lay down some nice rhymes as Ray BLK backs them both up with the force of her voice. These guys should form a team with how well they work together. Oh, they should make a virtual band! All they need to do is find an artist...

9/10

23. Halfway To The Halfway House

A very nice song if a bit overshadowed by the others on the album. Still, Peven can't be beat when it comes to crooning and he raises a song from a solid C to a B.

8/10

24. Out of Body

This song had to grow on me also but when it did...lord, this song is weird. Hypnotic suggestions, telephone tones, the song starts then Zebra jumps in to help then who is this person?! Why are people applauding?! Who are you people?! Why are there so many crows gathering outside my house?!

60/10

25. Ticker Tape

Well well well, look who's back. Damon returns with his old friend Kali to join the accuser of the vain Carly Simon to beg us to stay on the album. Sorry Damon, but I got places to do and people to go. There's nothing you can do to convince me to stick around after how long this album already is.

9/10

26. Circle of Friendz

Huh. Seems like a riot is going on. Weird for Gorillaz to get this real. What, this guy is just going to keep saying Circle of Friendz again and again? Is this supposed to affect me? Get real. It'll take a lot more than a nice voice and implications to...

To...

...

...Maybe I should listen to the album again.

11/10

Album score: 25/10

Damn, that took a while. Shouldn't be the case next week when we cover The Now Now. See you then!

#gorillaz #humanz #music #review

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couldbeasong · 4 years ago

Note

1-60 for the ask meme

Ope sorry I did not see this until today. I think I know the one? If it’s not the one you meant just lmk lol

1. Selfie?

You can have this picrew but I wish to be unperceived.

2. What would you name your future kids?

For female names I like: Harmony, Slyvia, Edelweiss, Bethany, and Opal

For male names I like: Uriah, Aiden, Kai, Levi, and Luke

3. Do you miss anyone?

My grandpa and Midnight (old dog)

4. What are you looking forward to?

Going on vacation in a few weeks, the end of the semester, and seeing @calligraphywitch tomorrow

5. Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

@calligraphywitch and my other girlfriend. They’re hilarious lmao

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Romantically? Not really. You kinda gotta just accept it and move on. In the past, always being like: this will never work because of reason xyz helps.

Friendship wise? Absolutely. It depends a lot on the emotional investment I put into the relationship, but I find myself still missing people I haven’t talked to since High School or Middle School.

7. What was your life like last year?

It was weird being a freshman in college and trying to survive. I had a lot of family problems going on along with one of my best friends from High School being on her death bed for a while. A bit of a crisis of faith as well. But we survived, God willing! I miss pre-pandemic times tho

8. Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Ask my brother. I’m sure there’s been an instance.

9. Who did you last see in person?

My grandma across the room from me!

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I hide them so well I can’t even find them!

I like to pretend they aren’t there and repress them a lot but idk if I’m good at hiding them from others per say.

11. Are you listening to music right now?

I’m in a zoom meeting for class, so I guess my professor's voice?

12. What is something you want right now?

Freedom

13. How do you feel right now?

Kinda tired, kinda nauseous, kinda bored. Idk I probably need to drink some water.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Uhhhh idk about a week ago? My last hug was probably a week ago too XD

15. Personality description

I like to think I’m funny

16. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

I work in customer service- everyday (:

17. Opinion on insecurities.

Everyone is insecure about something. It’s kinda fascinating how even though all of humanity is exactly the same (in terms of our struggles and insecurities, we don’t vary) we still judge others for having them. Confidence is seen as a virtue and the most attainable goal. Society profits off of your insecurities tho so be aware of what they are and don’t let yourself be scammed.

18. Do you miss how things were a year ago?

Certain aspects perhaps. But 2019 is gone. It performed and then it left. It can’t hurt us or help us anymore. There’s little use in dwelling on that and wishing for 2020 to be 2019.

19. Have you ever been to New York?

No, but I swear Ima go one day and see a show on Broadway.

20. What is your favorite song at the moment?

I have like three I’m cycling between rn

When You’re Home from In the Heights

Wake Up by Jenny Owen Youngs

Together by For King and Country

21. Age and birthday?

Old enough to know better and October

22. Description of crush.

He’s super great and super intelligent, not to mention super in love with God. Frankly, he deserves better than me. I gotta lot of self-improvement that needs to happen, but we’ll see what happens XD

23. Fear(s)

Heights, drowning, spiders, super dark streets and rooms, not being good enough

24. Height

5′5″ respectfully

25. Role model

It’s changed through the various stages of my life. Rn tho a few of my Christian online friends

26. Idol(s)

I mean I stan Brian David Gilbert, but I don’t idolize him lol

27. Things I hate

Cheesecake, sickly sweet stuff, when someone grabs the receipt out of the printer even though it’s way more effort for them to do so than for me just to hand it to them and it throws me off of my rhythm, fudge

28. I’ll love you if…

You exist (and even not then because fictional characters just hit different lol)

29. Favorite film(s)

Tangled, Ella Enchanted, Enchanted, Howls Moving Castle, Princess, and the Pauper

30. Favorite tv show(s)

Brooklynn 99, Parks and Recreation, Ouran High School Host Club, My Hero Academia, and Bojack Horseman (I’m going through a phase with it rn lol)

31. 3 random facts

Blue is my favorite color, I own almost nothing in blue, people are better at identifying members of their own race better than members of other races.

32. Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Girls- they’re easier to talk to and approach. Tho I stan and love my guy friends. They are kings.

33. Something you want to learn

Everything? Idk I have an insatiable desire to learn and it switches. Consistently, I want to learn how to make my own clothes, play either piano, guitar, or violin, and detail cars.

34. Most embarrassing moment

Uggg I’m not talking about it and neither is @calligraphywitch

35. Favorite subject

I really enjoyed Statistics as much as I have hated it. My all-time favorite class I have ever taken tho was AP US Literature

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Graduate grad school, get married, travel overseas

37. Favorite actor/actress

uhhh probably Chris Pratt or anyone who was on Parks and Recreation. Tho Broadway actors, I love Christian Borle

38. Favorite comedian(s)

John Mulaney

39. Favorite sport(s)

I miss playing softball and volleyball so prolly those

40. Favorite memory

There are too many to count. But usually, involve good conversations under the stars after 2 AM.

41. Relationship status

Have a picrew of my sister and me. Keep scrolling and mind ya business (jk ily anon)

42. Favorite book(s)

The Bible lol but fictional book wise, I will always love the Warrior Cats series. Red Queen was pretty lit. The Hourglass Door gave me a love for time travel aus lol. And Library Wars is near and dear to my heart.

43. Favorite song ever

You can’t ask me thisssss

Idk Hope is what we crave by For King and Country

44. Age you get mistaken for

24-30 it depends on the context

45. How you found out about your idol

@calligraphywitch

46. What my last text message says

No xD not disney

47. Turn-ons

When you have a musical playing and the end of one song is the start of another so they bleed into each other. CHILLS or when a line of poetry just expresses how someone feels. OR when different parts harmonize just right

48. Turn-offs

When my computer deletes my homework right before it’s done

49. Where I want to be right now

In a little cabin in the woods

50. Favorite picture of your idol

51. Starsign

Scorpio

52. Something I’m talented at

Reading peoples emotions

53. 5 things that make me happy

Music, Friends, Deep Conversations, Hugs, and God

54. Something that's worrying me at the moment

So much to do so much to see

55. Tumblr friends

Friends and mutuals include:

@calligraphywitch @an-assortment-of-forks @repentance-brings-healing @synthetic-blanket-hairs @loneallegiance @boywiththewand @knightof-cups @a-lil-strawberry @linkedwolf @indygo @obnoxioushair

There’s plenty more than that and I love you all ^^

56. Favorite food(s)

Tacos, Crab Ragoons, Salty Foods, RICE

57. Favorite animal(s)

Wolves and cats

58. Description of my best friend

Artistic, beautiful, supportive, hardworking. She is hilarious and an amazing person. There’s so much to the many reasons I love her I just can’t do it in words

59. Why I joined tumblr

Back in the 7th grade, my friends all had one and helped set me up with one. And that’s that.

60. Ask me anything you want

You want nothing ig lol if you want to submit one I can answer it still

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shannygoatgruff · 4 years ago

Text

Grown & SeXY - Chapter 2

Header made by the talented @flowers-in-your-hayr

For @youbloodymadgenius for your 400 Followers Writing Challenge. Congrats on your success!

Genre: Romance/Comedy

Pairing: Modern Ivar x Mature OC

Warning: Language/mild angst/Sexual content

Rating: M

Summary: A relationship between Generations X & Y will help this XX & XY learn a lot about themselves, each other, and love. Cougar/cub relationships aren’t always just about a midlife crisis and arm candy.

A/N: I got the concept for this story from a conversation I was having with @youbloodymadgenius. I hope I do it justice. This story is for you!

Chapter 2

Biiiiiitch! Where have you been? I’ve been IMing you but you been ducking me like I’m the IRS. Shit, I’m surprised we talking now - you mad at me or something? Did somebody tell you that they heard some shit about you from me? Because they were fucking lying. I wouldn’t do that. You know I don’t like all that gossip shit and I'm not one to put all people's business out on Front Street, like that.

So, girl, I need to holler at you about something right quick. What the hell is up with the non-disclosure agreement I sent you? Cause I damn sure didn’t get a signed copy back in my mailbox. Now, maybe I’m the slow bitch in the class, but it seems to me that there are a few more people in on our private meeting than just us, like we had previously discussed.

Now, I’m not saying that you said something, but I know I sure as hell didn’t. So, if I was over here keeping my sexy ass mouth shut (cause that how a bitch do) and you haven't said shit either, then who the fuck else is talking? You know, I bet it was probably those same bitches that were running around saying that they heard that I was talking shit about you. I tell you, people today ain't about shit. Well, fuck them.

Just so you know, I didn't call you to try to check you or anything. I called to try to catch you up on this grown and sexy shit cause bitch you are hella behind. Okay...I told you about how Marisol was at the club and met this fine ass little young boy at the bar, who turned out to be her high school BFF’s little brother, right? Did I tell you about how Marisol’s son and King Ding-A-Ling hate each other or how they met up at a party at his daddy’s house? Shit bitch, what do you know? I feel like I’m starting this shit all over at the beginning, again! Seriously hooker, keep up because before I can get into this shit, I have to set the scene.

So, you need all the dirt on Ivar’s family so moving forward you know what the fuck I’m talking about when I just start dropping shit on you like Pearl Harbor. Believe me, hon-ty when I tell you, these motherfuckers got some Telenovela, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal type shit with them.

Alright now, let me start with his parents. You ever see a really attractive man and you figure, his daddy must have been cute when he was younger? Well, that’s Ivar’s daddy, Mr. Ragnar Lothbrok – or as I like to call him, Dick Daddy Yo.

Now, child, Dick Daddy is fine as a motherfucker. And, I’m not talking regular run-of-the-mill attractive for a man in his late 50s – early 60s, who was probably knocking down everything back in the day, type of fine, either. No Queen - I’m talking, this motherfucker could get it TODAY, immediately, right now, if he asked for it. Shit, bitch, quiet as kept, he wouldn’t even have to ask. All he would have to do is set those baby blue eyes in my direction, and I would hand him the drawers.

So, back in the day, when they still lived in Norway, Dick Daddy married this total dime piece named Lagertha. When I tell you she was a bad bitch, I mean she was a Bad Bitch! Shit, she still bad to this day thirty-some years later. She was built, blond and beautiful, plus that bitch could box. I don’t know what kind of thug shit they taught her over there in the old country where they came from, but this broad was like Ronda Rousey out there in those Kattegat streets.

Anyhoo, when Lagertha and Ragnar got married, she found out that Ragnar had that Super D and she knew she wasn't going to be able to keep all that good dick to herself because he liked to sling it all over town. So she told him to go do his dirt, but he better brings his fine ass home to her every night. Of course, he was all like, cool, he could have a dime piece at home and get cutty on the side…alright, bet!

Well, honey, next thing you know, he gets hooked up with this fatal attraction type, funny looking broad named, Aslaug. Girl, Aslaug gets dickmatized and follows Ragnar around like a puppy, and the next thing you know he had to figure out how to bring a whole ass side-chick home to his dime piece wife. He must of came back with some shit like, “Baby, you know that girl Aslaug can cook and she’ll do that thing that you don’t like to do…you know cause she a freak…so really, it’s a win-win for us both.”

So, I figure dude’s dick must have been dipped in platinum, because Lagertha was like, “Whatever, Dick Daddy,” cause the next thing you know all three of them are living together and these two bitches were sister-wives.

Chile! But, here’s where the shit gets juicy! Ooh, girl! The whole time Ragnar was out there in them streets, Lagertha’s sexy ass was knocking over his brother, Rollo, and word around the campfire is, one of them kids ain’t really Ragnar’s…biiiiiitttttttch! I can't make this shit up!

So anyway, by the time all those damn babies came all 50/11 of them moved here to that big blue house at the end of Greenwich, you know the one with the big ass fence front and the nice pool? The one that the young people always have all the parties at...yeah, that one well, that’s where they still live.

Now onto the kids. Honey, Ragnar has five maybe six kids that he’s claiming. I'm sure it's more out there, but I'm telling you about the ones I know about. First, you got the two he has with Lagertha; that’s Bjorn, and Gyda (that’s if don’t think Bjorn is Rollo’s son). But what the hell, I’ll take “Let’s Pretend That Bjorn Is Ragnar’s Kid” for $200, Alex…

So, Bjorn is the oldest of all of the kids. And what can I say about BJ? BJ is fucking…girl, he’s just fucking. He’s fucking any and everything. That man. Jesus jumped up. He’s about 6’3”, 250lbs, muscular, blond, these piercing blue eyes. This smile…strong jawline. He has these hands, right? These hands that you know could just grip you right up under your ass cheeks and hold you up against a wall, and these arms…gurl, make me want to faint like a white woman! Hmm.

BJ reminds me of Ragnar. Hell, all those kids remind me of him in some way, but Bjorn oozes sex like Ragnar. I don’t know what it is, but watch your uterus around him. If you stand too close to BJ, your pussy is liable to jump in his back pocket and you won’t even notice that it’s gone.

BJ has a shit-ton of kids though and has been married like 150 times. I don’t know what it is, but he finds these blonde women, fucks them, marries them, has 20 babies with, and then gets divorced. He’s a shitty husband, but I bet you he’s a fire ass lay.

Then there’s Gyda, we call her Da-Da. She’s just beautiful. Whew. She got those looks from both of her parents. It is honestly painful to look at her. She’s the charming side of Ragnar. The side that’ll have you naked and buying her ass a house and a car before the waiter finishes taking your order on the first date. It’s a good thing she’s a nice person because if she was an evil bitch, there’s no telling what she would be up to. She’s another tall one, with blonde hair and blue eyes. But, she’s built like her mother. This bitch looks like she needs to be holding a fundraiser where she’s wearing clear heels, in a strip club, called Twerking For Jesus or some shit.

Now, if those two gorgeous kids weren’t enough to make everyone else in the world jealous of how good the D and the seed were from Ragnar, he had to go and spread it around some more with that weird bitch, Aslaug. They have four boys; Ubbe, Hvitserk, Sigurd, and Ivar. I don’t know how those boys ended up being so fine because Aslaug’s ass is not what I would call attractive. But, they got Ragnar’s genes and miracles never cease to amaze me.

All, but one, of them can get it any day.

Let’s start with Ubbe. It’s a long story, I don’t remember the particulars, but he’s known around the way as, Weebae. I can’t remember if it’s because he was small when as a baby, or because he used to cry all the damn time. But, whatever the case, if you hear a motherfucker asking for Weebae, they talking about Ubbe. Anyway, Wee is Ragnar’s twin. That child looks like Ragnar just spit him out on the street, only I don’t know where in the fuck he got his personality, cause Ragnar ain’t that fucking nice and Aslaug is a fucking cunt.

Have you ever met somebody that’s so damn nice, that they seem like a bitch ass? Like they are just softer than a motherfucker? Somebody that constantly lets people run over the top of him all the damn time and you just want to be like, yo you’s a giant whore! Well, that’s Wee. If he wasn’t so damn sexy, I would be like you soft, brah…get your punk ass away from me. But seeing as how fine he is, I’m like…bring your sensitive ass over here and let me make it all better, with your sexy self. Cause, you know, Mama loves the sensitive ones.

Who’s next? Oh, yeah, the next one is Hvitserk. I know it’s a fucked up name, but no one calls him that. They call him Boobie. Why do you ask? Because Boobie loves titties. I swear that boy was trying to get everybody to breastfeed him since he was born. The bigger a woman's boobs, the more Boobie is into her. But he's such a freaking cutie pie! He doesn’t look like Ragnar to me, but he reminds me of him in that way where as long as he can fuck and eat, he doesn’t give a fuck about much else. He’s the type that never has the same job or girlfriend for too long. He just goes with the flow and stays around until he gets bored.

Now Boobie favors Ragnar but not as much as some of the other kids. He’s got this cute baby face, with this sandy blonde hair and these pretty green eyes, like Aslaug. When you see him, you just want to pinch his cheeks on his face and his ass. And because he seems like such a little lost puppy, you just want to take him home, and take care of him…maybe tie him up to your bed and ride his ass like he’s Budweiser Clysdale in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, too.

Then there’s Sigurd…oh, Siggy. I call him, Brother Useless. He got all of Aslaug’s genes. It must be hard to look like Sigurd when you are born into that family. To be below average looking when you have extraordinarily attractive siblings, how does one go one with life? By being a giant dick, that’s how. Siggy fucking sucks donkey balls. He irks my fucking life. Siggy and I have history, outside of this little tale, and believe me he’s a dick in those stories, too.

Anyway, he looks just like his mama with facial hair. It’s really quite unfortunate. He reminds me of one of those Muppets off of the Dark Crystal. When I first found out that he was one of Ragnar’s sons, my first response was, I know you fucking lying! They should have just thrown the whole damn child away. See, Ragnar, that’s what happens when you go slumming with a funny looking chick…you get a funny looking kid with a fucked up personality. God don't like ugly...

But He redeemed your good name with Lil' Man. Oh, my sweet Ivar. This boy looks nothing like either of his parents but is the total embodiment of his father. Ivar is sexy. No, let me rephrase that for the bitches in the back...I said, IVAR IS SEXY. Bitch, I don’t know if there is even a word to describe the level of attractiveness this little bastard has. I don’t know if it’s that life-altering smile, or the dark hair and pale blue eyes. Shit, it could be that intense stare he has or those arms…or it could be that chest or maybe it’s that ass that you just want to bite and those lips that make you just want to sit on his face. Whatever it is about him, that boy makes you tingle in the most unladylike of places.

Now, when Ivar was born, something was wrong with him and he needed an operation. He was fine afterward, but Aslaug’s dramatical ass was acting like he was on his damn death bed and treated him like he was Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. So, naturally, he grew up spoiled as shit. So now, this child don’t know how to do shit. He thinks everybody supposed to hand him everything, just because he’s cute.

Honey, short of my number and panties, he gonna have to work for everything else like everybody else. But see, you can’t tell fine, muscular, spoiled ass, motherfuckers, with beautiful eyes, killer smiles, nice hair, and that smell good all the fucking time that they’re not special. Oh, no, because they will try to prove you wrong. At least he finished college and doesn’t have any kids. But if his ass would get a job…Sorry, I’m skipping ahead.

Okay, so you have the background on the family. Now check out how this shit went down...

Being in the Lothbrok house brought back a ton of memories for Soli. She had spent a good part of her adolescence there with her best friend, Gyda. The two of them had countless sleepovers, movie marathons, and of course their love of all the teenage heartthrobs of the 80s and 90s. Teen Bop, Tiger Beat, and 17 Magazines fed their obsessions for Kirk Cameron, Corey Haim, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and Mario Lopez. I was always a Joey Lawerence girl myself, but that’s neither here nor there.

That was until that one time the two of them got into this huge fight over who was going to marry Justin Timberlake. But then Bjorn told them that he thought Ryan Philippe was the same person and the girls realized that they did look a lot alike. So, Soli took JT and Gyda took Ryan, and they all lived happily ever after.

As she accepted the glass of champagne from the tray, Soli looked around the hallway leading out to the patio. It was amazing how different the house looked now. Since the remodel nothing was where she had remembered. The living room used to be to the left of the hallway, and there had been a large formal dining room to the right. They also used to have a huge kitchen right behind the dining room and then the family room sat just behind there, with the entrance to the back yard. It was always a good-sized house, but the way it was cut up, with these weird doorways and walls in the most awkward of places, it always felt cramped, especially with so many people living there.

But this? The open concept floor plan, no walls to obstruct the view...spacious, huge windows, lots of sunlight...it was gorgeous! Lothbrok Designs, LLC did one hell of a job. Everything from the floor plan to the decor was beautiful. Maybe Soli could get them to hook her up discount and do some work around her house.

“Hey there! I thought I saw you,” Gyda smiled walking over to Marisol with her arms out. “Oh Sonni, you look so good! I still can’t get over how you haven’t aged a bit. And girl, that body!”

Soli spun around in a circle to give her friend the full view. Even she had to admit, the off the shoulder, floral printed, Boho, maxi-dress looked damn good on her. Especially the way the soft pink color played with the beautiful warm tones in her toffee-colored skin. And honey, she was rocking this split that came all the up the front of the dress to the bodice, that would have been showing all of the church's business if it wasn't for that little white chiffon underdress thing. Honey...forty where? She was a banger and she knew it. “Well, you know forty is new twenty. I didn’t get to do my twenties right because I had Mani, but now I'm single and I'm ready to mingle! And you, Diva…”

“Well, thanks. You know...I get it from my Mama." Gyda did a little shimmy and laughed. "Thank you so much for coming. It’s so good to have you back in town. I know my parents are excited to see you again.” She looked around the room and waved at a guest who was walking by, “Everyone was excited that you said you were coming.”

Everyone? Why did Gyda say it like that? Soli was excited to catch up with the family, too, but damn. Soli knew that little cutie Ivar was going to be there, but that was nothing. A little innocent eye flirting at the bar a couple of weeks ago didn't mean anything. She hadn't seen or thought of that boy since. And she wasn't thinking about him today...well, not that much, anyway.

“Da-Da,” A gorgeous older blond man came up to Gyda and placed a soft kiss on the side of her head, before turning his attention to Soli. “No, you can’t be…Marisol Peña? The young lady I saw as much as my daughter growing up?” Ragnar walked over to Soli and wrapped her in a warm hug.

Soli chuckled and shook her head when she felt his hands linger at her waist a second longer than they should have. “Oh, Mr. Lothbrok,” Soli she patted him lightly on the chest taking a half step back to take in that beautiful smile, “Oh, it’s been too long. You still look good.” She smiled, feeling his hands slowly move down her side to now rest on her hips.

“And you still are as beautiful as ever,” he said leaning in toward her to talk to her. He had always had this strange way articulating certain words and sometimes he would get uncomfortably close when he would talk to people. Gyda used to get embarrassed because her father would get all up on her friends when he spoke to them, but Marisol always thought it was kind of sexy the way he would breathe on her when he talked.

She felt herself being hypnotized momentarily by all that sexy, but she quickly regained her senses. “Mr. Lothbrok,” she tutted keeping a careful eye on him as he slowly walked around her in a circle with a sly grin on his face, “I see you're still as smooth as ever.”

It was fluid the way Ragnar brushed his face next to Soli’s ear to whisper in his sexy accent, making the tendrils of hair tickle her neck, “Ragnar.”

"Ragnar," she giggled. He was still a DILF, even after all these years.

“Ragnar?” A feminine voice called causing everyone to turn toward a tall strawberry-blonde in flowing green empire dress standing at the patio door, “Come, lunch is ready and we will have cake.” For as tall and thin as she was the dress did nothing for her. A hottie like Lagertha could have pulled it off, but not her. Although, the navy blue and dark green embroidery did accentuate the red in her hair and her green eyes.

Soli’s eyes widened as she turned to Gyda, devastated. “Is that Aslaug?” she whispered. As they all began walking through the house toward the backyard she found herself laughing at the expression on Gyda's face. “Bitch, shut up.” Oh, they had so much to catch up on.

Judging by how good Aslaug looked, she had had some work done. She was still funny looking, but she looked a whole hell of a lot better than she did when Soli knew her.

Time seemed to fly by for Soli as she sat in backyard eating, laughing, and drinking with her childhood friend. She had forgotten how much she missed Gyda. But being with her and the family, it felt like they never missed a beat. She even sat at the table reserved for Ragnar's kids and had no problem catching up with each one of them. Oh, the gossip she found out about sitting there.

For example, Weebae was married to BJ's ex-wife, Torvi, who left BJ with four children and is now having a baby with Bae. And you know the crazy thing is all of them are still talking like nothing ever happened? Or how about this, apparently something happened between Siggy and Ivar - no one is talking about what it is yet, but the two of them don't talk. They can be sitting at the same table and won't utter two words to each other. And did you know that none of the brothers knew why Soli and Gyda fell out all those years ago? I know, but that ain’t my place to say, so done tucked that one way down deep in my bra, honey. All I know is I could write a whole other story about this damn family’s shenanigans alone!

“Man, I wish I could remember that!” Siggy laughed throwing his napkin on his plate. “I would have loved to see the look on Bae’s face!” He gently nudged his brother’s arm as he continued to make fun of him.

Ubbe shook his head and lowered his eyes as the stain of blush colored his cheeks, “I can’t believe that was you,” he said to Soli, “I remember running through the house naked, but I never remembered why.”

Soli smiled around her glass of wine, trying her best to ignore the incredibly attractive younger man sitting next to her. "I remember why. I remember that little birthmark on your ass, too."

Gyda laughed putting the last of her spoonful of cake in her mouth. “Oooh, Beege, do you remember that time we were playing Van Damme and you ended up in the emergency room?”

Bjorn rolled his eyes and tried to cover his brow with his hand, “Of course I remember! How could I forget?” He started rubbing his inner thigh at the memory. He looked around the table at all of his brothers’ faces who were rapted with excitement, smiles already plastered on their faces, dying to hear the story. “So, I might have been about 13, Da-Da and Soli might have been around 11 or so. Anyway, we used to always watch Daddy's Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. I was obsessed - he was a total bad-ass to me. We had no business watching them because they were rated R and too violent for us to be watching, but we didn't care. And after the movies, we always would play Van Damme and act out our own scenes but do all the karate moves we just saw.”

“But, he always thought he automatically got to be Van Damme because he was a boy, and he always tried to make me the stupid female sidekick. I wanted to be the badass female Van Damme, ya know?" Soli said rolling her eyes.

“Wait, where was Da-Da?” Ubbe asked.

“I always wanted to be the bad guy,” Gyda shrugged, “What? It was fun.”

"Yeah, we used to whip her ass, "Soli laughed, “So, this one day BJ and I got in this big argument about who should get to be Van Damme in our reenactment. Of course, he thought he should be because he’s a boy, and I said that I should be because I could do the split. You remember the splits he used to do, right?” She looked around the table and watched everyone nod.

That is, all except one, “No…he’s the guy with that show on HULU now, right?” Ivar asked, turning in his chair so that his outstretch leg brushed Soli’s shin under the table. “He used to do action movies?”

Rolling her eyes at the absurdity of the question, Soli reached into her small clutch bag and pulled out her phone. “I keep forgetting you’re a child. Of course, you don’t know anything about Jean-Claude Van Damme. When were you born, like 6 months ago?” She quickly found a picture of the Van Damme split online and handed her phone to Ivar.

“So, in the movie Double Impact, he did the split when he had his legs on these chairs and his pelvis was suspended between them…I knew I could do it. I had been taking gymnastics since I was six. But BJ, thought because he was a boy he was naturally superior.”

“Oh God, Beege…what happened?” Hvitserk asked popping open another beer.

“The chairs moved, man.” Bjorn said sadly, “Daddy had to take me to the hospital. My nuts twisted; sprained my dick.” He tried to hold back his laugh but listening to how funny his brothers found his childhood misfortune made Bjorn laugh, too. “Never played Van Damme again.”

“And you never bet against me again, that’s for sure.” Soli felt Ivar’s hand brush against the side of hers and when she turned to face him he was handing back her phone. She noticed that when he leaned over toward her that the first two buttons of his classic white button-down shirt were undone, exposing his thick neck, and collarbone to her. Would it be rude if she tried to get a peek down his shirt? She didn't think so. What was rude was him smelling like a clean ocean breeze or wearing that damn white shirt against his tanned skin.

Ivar put the phone in her open palm and closed his hand around hers. The hint of a smile started with one corner of his mouth and as his tongue darted out of his mouth and started worrying the bottom corner of the lip.

“So, um…you can do that split, huh?” There it was. That come sit on my face smile. She had to watch out for this little bastard.

“Yep and I can do it on a handstand,” she whispered back, and winked at him, pursing her lips to keep herself from smiling. God, this kid was so damn cute, but she shouldn't be flirting with him, even if it was who she was by nature. He was too young. It was too wrong. He was too sexy. She hadn’t had sex in a very long time. This was tricky. She knew the family. He had muscles. “Close your mouth there, Baby Ivey.” She patted his shoulder feeling the striations under her fingertips. That was another thing, she had to stop touching him!

“Hey Mom,” Soli’s son, Mani walked over to the table she was sitting at wearing a nice pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. She had made him promise to drop by for a minute, just to say hi to some of her childhood friends before he went to a party of his own. The things he did for that woman.

“There’s my Baby Boy!” Soli said, standing up. “Mani, I want you to meet my second family when I was growing up. This was my best friend, Gyda, and her brothers Bjorn, Ubbe, Hvitserk, Sigurd, and Ivar.” She gestured her hand to each person as she said their names. “Everyone, this is my son, Miguel.”

Ivar smiled and stood up, offering his hand to shake, “I remember you from school. Cartoon Boy, right?”

Mani’s posture stiffened and his warm brown eyes hardened almost instantly, “I don’t remember Jock Strap.” Mani had hated Ivar since they were in high school. Even as a teenager he thought Ivar Raganarsson was a dick. He was an entitled asshole who thought the world owed him something. He had walked around that school like he was the shit and because Mani was younger, smaller and didn’t play sports, Ivar just fucking sucked toward him. He never bullied him, but he always acted like Mani was beneath him.

Well, fuck Ivar and his big ass beaver teeth smile…got on his fucking nerves. Mani turned his attention to the rest of the table. “It was nice to meet all of you, but I have another engagement. I just stopped by to drop something off to my mom.”

“Excuse me,” Soli said getting up from the table. She was ready to punch Mani in the throat. She had specifically told him that when he came to the house not to say anything insulting to Ivar. And if she had to listen to one more minute of how much Mani hated Ivar she was going to scream. Since she told him about that first time seeing him at the bar all she had heard was how much of an asshole Ivar had been in high school and how he stole the lead in the school play Mani’s sophomore year. Did she care? Not at all. Mani was 22 years old now and he was still holding a grudge about something that happened when he was 15.

She walked back into the house with her son following him to the front door. The fake she was forcing was hurting her face. “What the fuck was that, Mani?”

“You see him with that Fuck Boy Ricky hairstyle? I swear Mom, he’s a total Dickbag.” Mani rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, “And you're friends with his people? That's a whole new level of douchery, even for you, Mom.”

“Oh my, God…I’m not. Not right now.” She got on her tiptoes to kiss her son on the cheek. “Have fun tonight. I love you.”

“I’m telling you, watch that fucktard.”

"Get out," Soli pushed her son out of the door and sighed. This was reason number 4,037 why she never dated. Mani hated and had something to say about everyone. Not saying that she wanted to date Ivar or anything, but just saying that Mani had a problem with every male that she was even friendly with. It was hopeless. Her ex-husband was going to be the last man she’d ever have sex with. Oh, the humanity of it all...

Soli walked back to the family table with a fresh glass of wine and sat back with a smile as she watched the siblings pose for their family photos. The pictures were going to be gorgeous - they were a beautiful family. There were so many photos being taken, too. There were poses of Ragnar, both his wives, all of his children, and grandchildren. Even the photos of the divisions of the families were beautiful. But the most captivating thing to Soli was that Ivar was the photographer.

He was so patient and genuinely seemed to be having a good time doing it. He was a natural. He laughed as he directed his family and smiled a huge, smile with every picture he took. He was engaging and extremely creative. Looking at him, she would have never have guessed he had an artistic side to him. When Soli realized that she had a full-blown smile on her face watching Ivar and not the family she shook her head and grabbed her phone for a distraction.

Taking a sip of wine, she checked her text messages and almost choked. There as only one missed message and it was from a number that she didn't recognize. He must have called himself on her phone to get her number.

She couldn't stop the big ass smile from spreading across her face as she read:

‘Splits and handstands? I💓 gymnastics! ~ Baby Ivey’

So, girl, that’s what happened with that. Don’t worry, we are about to get into the good shit, I promise. I'm telling this story honey and bitch I'm building suspense.

I'll talk to you later girl. And next time, I ping you, answer your girl. Don’t be screening me like I’m that dude at the club that you trying to get rid of.

Chapter 1

Tags: @youbloodymadgenius @idea-garden @kol--mikaelson @mooniemouse @didiintheblog @waiting4inspiration @tempt-ress @where-beauty-goes-to-die @crazyaboutmotleycrue @oddsnendsfanfics @geekandbooknerd @ivarthebloodyking @honestsycrets @xbellaxcarolinax @zuxiezendler @inforapound @a-mess-of-fandoms

#alex andersen #Alex hoegh #alex hogh andersen #alex høgh andersen #alex hogh fanfiction #ivar lothbrok #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok fic #ivar fanfic #ivar the boneless #vikings fanfic #vikings fandom #alex høgh andersen fanfiction #alex høgh fanfiction #grown & seXY #usershannygoatgruff #shannyland #gyda #bjorn ironside

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bobasheebaby · 5 years ago

Text

100 New Girl Prompts

So many prompts, most of which are funny. Break at 15 cause it’s mega long.

1 "I'm using my bride/groom card!" — Cece

2 “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?" — Schmidt

3 “So many emotions." — Nick

4 “I'm totaling my assets. It's really bleak." — Jess

5 “Look at those horny horny hippos.” — Nick

6 “I got mozzarella sticks for fingers." — Nick

7 “Every moment you're on this Earth is a moment I know where you are." — Nick

8 “It is my Secret Santa alias." — Winston

9 “Friend face." — Winston

10 “It's perfectly fine to watch TV all day." — Nick

11 “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?" — Winston

12 “I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere." — Schmidt

13 “Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick. I have a travel size." — Jess

14 “Put on some pants, or at least some really high socks." — Jess

15 “You like me? You like my personality?" “I was surprised, too.” — Schmidt & Cece

16 "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!" — Jess

17 “That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends." — Winston

18 “I'll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don't like it." — Jess

19 “You have the right...to remain hugged." — Coach

20 “If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical, how dare you!" — Schmidt

21 “I was sabotaged by my baby box." — Jess

22 “We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet." — Jess

23 "It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now." — Nick

24 "You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie." — Nick

25 “Go put a dollar in the jar right now." — Coach

26 “This is my jam." — Coach

27 “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!" — Winston

28 “Are we eating or are we not eating?" — Winston

29 "Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation." — Jess

30 “Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories." — Nick

31 “I like being weird." — Jess

32 "This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!" — Jess

33 "I don't like it. It's too much responsibility." — Nick

34 “Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?” — Schmidt

35 “I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.” — Schmidt

36 “He’s/She's got that giant heart that's part compass and part flashlight and he’s/she's just the greatest person I have ever met.” — Nick

37 “Who's that guy/girl? It's NAME." — Jess

38 “Watch your front because we've got your back!” — Cece

39 “Picking lint off of a man's/woman’s sleeve is the most intimate gesture.” — Cece

40 “Blast from the past, how's that ass?” — Jess

41 “I hate this. I just wanna sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot.” “That's hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that and that is better than porn.” — Kai & Nick

42 “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.” — Nick

43 “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.” — Schmidt

44 “Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?” — Schmidt

45 “No sig oths.” “Just say ‘significant others.” “Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.” — Schmidt & Cece

46 “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the whole middle part is going to be awesome.” — Nick

47 “NAME, you’ve been staring at this guy/girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking him/her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.” — Schmidt

48 “This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!” — Schmidt

49 “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!” — Schmidt

50 “I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’” — Schmidt

51 “Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!” — Schmidt

52 “Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?” — Schmidt

53 “Don’t pretend to know my pain.” — Schmidt

54 “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” — Nick

55 “I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or -- let's be honest -- sexually.” — Jess

56 “What if I have some idea of love in my head and it’s just totally wrong?” — Jess

57 “Life sucks. And then it gets better. And then it sucks again.” — Nick

58 “I like getting older, I feel like I’m aging into my personality.” — Nick

59 “You know, sometimes I feel like I’ve never really felt love.” — Winston

60 “When you care about somebody you do what's best for them even if it sucks for you.” — Schmidt

61 “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.” — Schmidt

62 “I’m gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on.” — Schmidt

63 “Downstairs neighbour put a password on their wi-fi.” — Nick

64 “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.” — Schmidt

65 “I’m only attracted to guys/girls who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.” — Jess

66 “This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.” — Nick

67 “Without sex, he’s/she’s not your boyfriend/girlfriend. Okay? He’s/She’s a friend you buy meals for.” — Schmidt

68 “I feel like I wanna murder someone. And also, I want soft pretzels.” — Jess

69 “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.” — Jess

70 “NAME doesn’t have a life plan. He/She doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he/she wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.'” — Jess

71 “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?” — Jess

72 “Can I get an alcohol?” — Nick

73 “I want to kill you, because I respect you. NAME! I think I understand hunting!” — Nick

74 “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

75 “I have decided to give up on men/women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

76 “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” — Nick

77 “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.'” — Nick

78 “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” — Nick

79 “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” — Nick

80 “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” — Nick

81 “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.” — Schmidt

82 “Can I interest you in some white noise?” — Winston

83 “Those are pickles in progress.” — Winston

84 “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” — Coach

85 “I need everyone to shut up.” — Coach

86 “Your asses belong to me now.” — Coach

87 “That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.” — Coach

88 “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.'” — Coach

89 “I’ve made out with half of the guys/girls in this room.” — Cece

90 “You always see the worst in people.” “Yeah, because people are the worst.” — Jess & Nick

91 “I’m sorry we’re not going this weekend.” “But It’s free.” “Did you say free?” “Yeah.” “We’re 100% in. I’ll go pack now.” — Nick & Jes

92 “I’m going to end up alone. I’m going to be a single old man/lady flashing people on the subway.” — Jess

93 “I’ve got two perfectly good forks on the end of my arms.” — Nick

94 “If we needed to talk about feelings they would be called talkings.” — Nick

95 “When you question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship!” — Jess

96 “Why can’t I have the things that I want?!” — Schmidt

97 “Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons.” — Schmidt

98 “They don’t hate me because I’m old. They hate me because of my personality.” — Schmidt

99 “It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.” — Schmidt

100 “I’m not actually quite sure how to stop this.” — Schmidt

#new girl prompts #new girl quotes #writing prompts #dialogue prompts #drabble prompts #jessica day #nick miller #cece parekh #winston bishop #winston schmidt #coach #long post #read more

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