#(im not mad at them. theyre kids. its probably their parents faults and theyre in middle school so i really cant blame them)

[nomairuins]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[nickbutnodick]

can you please help me?

no, i really have to go dude

but shes white! and not only is she white shes blonde! both! at the same time!

im sorry, dude, i really have to go. good luck though!

[myoeuvre]

umm...... pay this no mind i’ve just typed this stuff out like.. more times than i can count in the dms of everyone that i make watch inft and im tired of doing it over and over so im just gonna.. so i can just link this.. well anyway.

tbh this is just like. shit that i noticed and/or like personally speaking but anyway

my essay on why rymin is actually that deep

just gonna paste this one in here first of all. but anyway.

EXHIBIT A. the era stat being min and ryan's colors. blue for min who is stuck in the past and red for ryan always trying to rush ahead. meeting in the middle being the right answer in the end v-v

EXHIBIT B.  kez saying ""the colors are bold but the lines have hesitation" irt this painting. and whos palettes are in it? EXACTLY. need i say more? no.

AND EXHIBIT C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! episode 1: them and their palettes are separated by the door  in an incredibly noticeable way 

BUT in the last episode their palettes finally join e/o while they play on stage

LIKE everyone already knows theyre red and blue gays (the blueprint honestly) but i just am so in love with the way its shown in like. more than what they wear and is used thematically to represent them at multiple points. coughing wheezing... even their jumpsuits despite both being grey have cool and warm undertones respectively. 

Also just like the way in all these screenshots alone min is on the left and ryan on the right when we view chronological order in a left to right fashion this one is probably more coincidental but.. ugh...  ------

And another thing. can we talk about ryan’s cassette please? i wanna talk about ryan’s cassette. in the maze when min says “isnt that kinda the same as my dads van?” ryans response is one that suggests hes surprised min knew the song by mentioning his first album. so this makes me think “my dads van” wasnt a song they wrote together. BUT in the twin tapes when ryan plays it at the house party, min is shown playing it too on his mini synth. what does this lead me to believe? he listened to the cassette enough to memorize the melody and figure out the notes to play it in-turn. ------

Also so ummmm ryan’s family (giggles) five kids, and hes the middle child. shits doomed. he never even had a chance. and its not unfounded or like probably exaggerated on ryan’s part either. in the bug car when theyre in jail and ryan says its just min’s parents who would be worried, min just says “yeah…..” he doesnt say thats not true or im sure theyre worried. no. min is fully aware of ryans family situation and didnt bother for a second to argue it.

and in the gallery car one of ryans outbursts is “why doesnt anyone care about how i feel” bro this cant NOT stem from his home life. LIKE homie deadass has middle kid syndrome where hes used to getting his feelings shafted especially. but anyway teehee i’ve read into it more but i think imma just write my fic since most of it is speculative lol. ----

okay and also theres the queue car that i have extended thoughts about but the one thing in specific that i think about is like. how min acts in it. he makes me so mad i love him but goddamn...

just the condescending attitude but its so important to him that he be right. if its ryans number that means ryan messed up. if its ryans number that means min was right. if its ryans number that means min didnt make a mistake in giving up his dream. like he wants to be proven right so he can feel justified and not be hung up on the regrets he clearly had doing shit like playing his mini synth in his work bathroom. and as my friend said “ nobody ever does anything theyre normal about in the work bathroom“ spittin. fr. anyway stfu about them gay boys

------

AMELIA.

just a heads up there’s like. quick talk about implied suicide in this section but yeah.

what was her relationship with One? what caused One to get split in two? why in the turtle car when speaking in unison did one-one say its his fault cause he hadnt been better? how did amelia come to have a position of trust with One in the first place?

its clear One respected her thoughts. she is the one who influenced One into returning passengers belongings so that they can individuate themselves. she provided her human opinion to fill in the holes of Ones computed and inadvertently callous decision makings on running the train

oh book 5 how i long for you... but anyway.

this girl. had no reason to be on the roof of her college dorm after the death of her husband. NONE. we know exactly how important her time in college with alrick was because its the part of her life she wanted to replicate most despite the fact they graduated. this + in he ceremony her “yeah…” sounds really resigned as if she didnt want to be graduating (the beginning display of a pattern of being adverse to moving on persnaps….).  but this place is clearly important to her so it being the place she would attempt to take her life in grief makes sense to me. i also believe this was the intent of her being here from her saying im s1 ep10 that she doesnt want a life without alrick.

----

these are like. little details that i enjoyed a lot to contribute to showing how smart amelia is. like no one but her couldve taken over the train truly girlboss gaslight gatekeep amen.

amelias trick to play a tone into the receiver of the phone to control the network? thats what she does to control the steward. thats why her helmet beeped every time it moved or stopped. because she was issuing a command.

she implemented a fucking fail safe dude. she was not going to let anything stop her she was taking precautions. when tulip traps her in her tape, her helmet automatically starts to play an alarm. the steward not only ignores tulip but specifically goes to help amelia IM LIKE GIRL YOURE EVERYTHING.

----

i wanna. talk about the turtles. in s3 when amelia discovers that hazel is one of her failed attempts she mumbles something to the degree of “all because of that handkerchief" or w/e it was. “handkerchief?” you may be wondering? THIS ONE

after all these years she kept it. i can only be led to assume it was gifted to her by alrick. this is my gamer theory

-----

and about hazel irt amelia she is an attempted clone of alrick. shes not quite right obviously but she posses some of his memories even if she doesnt know why or where it came from. they exists within her almost innately her claiming she took dance classes? saying she knows amelia makes the best pancakes?

(heres a link to the other memories btw) haha.. ah..

----

the cat

these are like. the last two things that i think a lot about that probably wouldve been answered but real quick

i wanna know why simon is the only one who calls her that like she doesnt even introduce herself but that. hc that its because thats the nMe simon gave her like a child naming a pet

also i want to know why there was a negative connotation irt samantha’s attachment to objects when simon said “shes collecting again”

-----

okay but anyway obviously i have a lot more in-depth analyasis thoughts but this was like. more about small story telling details that i enjoyed. “why didnt you talk about book 2 at all” 🧍‍♂️ uh... i dunno. it started out as my fave book but its like my least favorite now after my 23rd watch of the show. i still like it but i dont think about it that deeply thats all. 

[holdinghandswithastatue]

my thoughts on the lorien legacies reborn series [spoilers]

i think it sucked

sorry

i loved most of the characters to bits and they all deserved better (in terms of characterisation, plot)

nigel. oh my god nigel i love him so much

ran takeda deserved SO MUCH BETTER im still mad

the way they hinted at a whole bunch of romances but only made the one i dont give a shit about canon

i really really hate white girl taylor cook

yes, having a white american girl as the main character IS diversity :))))))

isabela is cool as shit and i wish i was her

i love their fleshed out backstories but i wish i couldve heard more

THERE WAS LITERALLY NO DEVELOPMENT IN MOST OF THEM (personally i think the series was cut short bc they all had so much more room to grow)

(it gave off percy jackson movies energy)

it hurts me how the writing hinted that nigel would get his heroic moment but he literally never did 

and then nigel was left with what? his only best friend dead, his parents corrupt assholes and him still not having healed from his trauma- still the underdog

ALSO: NIGEL WAS THE ONLY CANONICALLY GAY CHARACTER (except for maybe daunphen but still that doesnt really count bc its only implied) but they just like. didnt give him a love interest. 

nic was literally right there- that homoerotic moment really hit me and i just read it over and over

ran’s death was really well done but also COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE

if isabela had just told einar to stfu and shoot lucas it wouldve all been over and ran and five would still be alive 

speaking of which, ran and five were a super cute couple/friendship i cant tell but i like their dynamic a lot

five saying that he “actually likes” ran is essentially a confession of love in his terms

caleb. i liked him. but he was so boring and straight. i think his development wouldve been great if they just DID SOMETHING WITH HIM

also idk whether to ship isabela with caleb or daunphen but personally i like to think of daunphen as trixic which is unrelated

caleb literally. had potential. troubled home life. not as bad as the others but he never really stopped being an uptight little bitch

if he had, i think he wouldve been great

I LOVED EINAR’S GROUP’S DYNAMIC

do they have a name? i feel like they do but i cant remember

like... what a mix of characters, i love how they work together

personally i think theyre just the gay friend group

on the topic of einar,

i KNOW i shouldnt love him the way i do but if you didnt want me to love him you SHOULDNT HAVE GIVEN HIM REDEEMING QUALITIES

(same with five)

literally einar’s final monologue hurt me so much even though he nearly did drown nigel in gen 1 but still

“will you- will you finally listen?” yea kill me now 

i really hated how they brought the villain in in the final book. the fuck. who even gives a shit about lucas. no one remembers him

also it feels slightly political to make the main villain a radical christian who wants to convert the earth garde by killing them

listen i could talk about einar all day

i think he and isabela were a great friendship... of sorts

i mean did einar ever really let anyone close enough to him to make friends

but hes just so... S O F T

no hes not 

but he is to me 

ew

kopano really deserved a better gf than taylor

god 

also i wanted to see more of miki

again i will reiterate i think nic and nigel wouldve made a great couple

i keep forgetting theyre all just teenagers and thats kinda painful

einar was just a kid bro 

SO MUCH NUANCE TO HIS CHARACTER THAT WAS NOT EXPLORED

so much potential

hmm am i forgetting anyone?

lets talk about john smith

that man has a hero complex and its really annoying and part of me is really glad he wasnt the one to save the day this time but also i didnt want ran to die so

i think it wouldve been fitting if einar just ended it all since he kinda started the whole fiasco

fuck bea barnaby and her homophobic (and also mass-murdering) ass

the john and marina thing shouldve been forgotten completely no one ships them pls 

they had their one true loves just let them be without an s/o thanks

ella deserved to have more screen (? its a book) time bc she was my favourite character in the original series

OH MY GOD I HAVENT TALKED ABOUT NINE YET

hes the loml

also the part where lucas (in the body of john) rips off his cybernetic arm really hurt me

i kinda wish taylor died instead of ran

kill off the heroic white girl instead: the fifth wave style

john is such a stupid selfish bastard honestly but having a hero complex a valid flaw but still. i cannot deal with his bullshit all the time

writing one line on john and nine reuniting was cruel when you know most of the fandom ships them

also i like einar’s softening up near the end, and treating the group like they were his actual friends 

i wish we couldve seen more of them

i love myself a found family ragtag group situation

even though 2 of them died 

and the other has an inhibitor in his head, gets shocked every 3 minutes and took the fall for everyone

AS HE SHOULD THOUGH, MOST OF IT IS HIS FAULT

but hes just a kid

my thoughts are so scattered

omg stop i think i relate to einar... no..... not the literal mass murderer “terrorist” psychopath

he’s uptight and always needing to be in control

but he feels the pressure of having to be perfect to everyone else, and thus falls apart on the inside

gosh i wish i didnt love einar the way i do

final thoughts (but i’ll probably add even more): ran :’( nigel :( taylor >:( caleb :| einar :’( isabela >:) daunphen :D john :|

i hope no one reads this

[gaydiekane]

a pjo au that follows the storyline of luke

hear me out though

(i promise im still a part of the luke hate club but i had to write this down - a bullet fic)

so luke, thalia, annabeth, and percy are all 14 and alive and well

luke, thalia, and annabeth all were brought to camp around 9 and percy was brought at 12

they’re all still friends with grover but they’re closer with each other bc grover has his quests for pan and the council

they live a nice life together (only seeing percy during summers tho lmao)

one day they notice luke is off. he says he’s fine and continues to act like it, but he starts to realize that their lives arent as great as they’ve thought

annabeth’s dad abandoned her, thalia’s mom was pretty much absent (and sacrificed her little brother to wolves like a 2014 one direction wattpad fanfiction), and luke had to grow up watching his mom grow more and more insane due to a fault of one of the gods

one of the same gods that were supposedly looking out for their children and “doing as much as they could.” but him and his friends were just barely a fraction of all of the demigods led to believe the false truths about their divine parents.

heck, even though percy had a great home life, it made luke so sad seeing one of his best friends hurt over the fact that he’d never been able to meet his dad (and probably never would)

luke confides in an older camper in his cabin, “its so unfair! theyre our parents after all! and if theyre gods how can they not see us? or at least try to care?? its like they dont!”

he got a bitter laugh in return. “youre only realizing this now? of course they dont care about us! thats why more of our friends die every day, thats why my mortal family is out of my life only for me to be stuck here unclaimed! just get used to it, itll hurt less”

luke is shocked, but attemps to just get over it. he talks more and more with this older kid (the older kid is like 16, not much older)

one day they talk to each other about the voice in their dreams they’ve been hearing, an unsettling ancient consciousness from a void

they know the words the pit is feeding them are stupid, reckless, and dangerous. they know not to give in. but luke cant get it off his mind no matter how hard he tries

it almost drives him mad, but he thinks about his mother and tries to pull himself together for his friends

percy, thalia, and annabeth notice that something is up. they notice how he’d grown distant and how he is always on edge

they want to help him but they know they cant. they dont give up though

they’re friends with almost no family. they aren��t giving up on luke the way their families did

but luke’s mental state only grows worse and worse and eventually, he doesn’t exactly give into the voice, but the voice takes over him

one day he disappears

the kid in luke’s cabin told them what they knew, but its not enough

“it was just a really old voice. like, ancient. not even like a voice. i dont know what it was, but it was trying to lure us somewhere. i didnt think he would give in”

they search as far and wide as they can but they never find him. they burn his shroud a couple weels later and accept the fact that he’s gone

the three™️ are torn apart and the reunion the next summer/winter break is more bittersweet

that next summer they’re sent on a quest because there’s some trouble elsewhere somewhere idk maybe disneyland lets make it fun (lmao som movie small world scene vibes)

when they get there they’re met with luke but he’s entirely different. he looks in worse shape than he was the summer before and his attitude is more scared and bitter, like someone had taken over his body

annabeth full on breaks down, percy and thalia are just furious and are unleasing their full power (or whatever their full power was at 15) and trying to protect annabeth too bc she cant even fight.

they end up retreating and going back to camp

once back, they inform chiron and chaos ensues

[the-dumbest-po3-au]

part 4 - the dumbest po3 au

its been. nine. montsh im SO SORRY GUYS LMAO

for those of you who dont know what the dumbest po3 au is, click this link

for those of you who have not read the summaries for power of three, part 1 - part 2 - part 3

alright!!!!!!! dovewing time

the fourth apprentice

the book opens w/ ivykit and dovekit in the nursery. ivykit suggests going out to explore the territory and dovekit is like “wow. that sounds like a fantastic idea ivykit you are so smart"

whitewing says No Absolutely Not, and leaves at some point to go make dirt. they sneak out and not 5 minutes later they get lost. dovekit gets blames ivykit for suggesting it and they get into a fight. they both get really mad & dovekit runs off. because shes like a stupid 2 year old gets distracted, rams her head into a rock and passes out. rip dovekit. she wakes up and sees a fox kit coming towards her. she screams.

her head hurts and shes tired and now shes going to die. out of nowhere a huge cat beats up the fox and scares it away. dovekit passes out (again)

when she wakes up, she is next to a cat messing with a bunch of weird plants. the cat sees that she woke up and introduces himself as littlecloud. he asks what her name is. “dove… dove…?? i dont know” says dovekit.

he asks her how she got there, and if she has any family. she does not remember. so littlecloud tells her she’s gonna have to stay here for the time being. he asks her if anything hurts, and dovekit says she thinks may have hit her head.

he gives her some of the weird plants and she goes back to sleep. when she wakes up her head has stopped hurting and she feels a lot better. she gets up to go walk around and is immediately introduced to the tawnyspawn.

tigerpaw is stupid and friendly (and hellbent on being her future best friend). dawnpaw is obnoxious and a bit (read: extremely) condescending but interested. flamepaw is nice and also the only one with half a braincell.

they take her around and introduce her to the rest of the clan. she sees blackstar and is like. “im pretty sure thats my dad” tigerpaw gasps. flamepaw and dawnpaw are like. “What.” “he saved me from the fox im pretty sure thats my dad,” says dovekit

they go harass blackstar. dovekit follows him around like a puppy and the tawnspawn follow her. he has this train of literal 2 yr olds trailing after him and is wildly unhappy about this development. russetfur is also definitely siccing the kids on him to make him mad.

dawnpaw gives dovekit a passionate speech about the clans, but mostly how evil riverclan kicked completely innocent shadowclan out of their home, and how shadowclan has to set everything right and deliver justice to those cringe fail fishheads, or something.

a few days later the tawnyspawn are off doing their own thing and dovekit goes to see whats going on. dawnpaw tries to shut tigerpaw up but he spills the beans anyways. “we’re going to attack riverclan on a Secret Mission so that we can win back shadowclan’s honor and become WARRIORS so you cant tell anybody”

dawnpaw sighs. “dovekit this is for Big Kids Only, so you cant be here.” flamepaw is trying to talk tigerpaw out of doing this in the bg but tigerpaw is being stubborn. dovekit is sad about it but goes back to sulk in camp (and to harass her new dad).

a few hours later tawnypelt runs over to blackstar and is like. “blackstar my children are missing nobody knows where they went”

"oh!! they went to go attack riverclan to get back shadowclan’s territory!” informs dovekit helpfully.

“what.” says blackstar, tawnypelt, and russetfur in unison. the sky immediately opens up and starts Pouring. tawnypelt freaks out. dovekit is like “why cant we just follow the sound of their voices??” but everyone ignores her bc they think shes just being stupid.

“Fine!! ill just go find them on my OWN” says dovekit, following them by the sound of their voices (theyre proally arguing over something stupid).

now four of shadowclan’s children are missing. “you brought that kid here so you get to deal with her,” says russetfur. blackstar sighs dramatically and goes off to find his new child.

dovekit runs into an old man cat. “whatre you doin here??” says old man cat. “im looking for my friends!! whats your name :0? im dovekit!!” “my names purdy!”

blackstar shows up and is like. who tf are you. “this is my new friend purdy!!!” says dovekit. blackstar doesnt even know how to respond. “look we’re going to go back to the camp right now and we’re not taking this dude with us.”

dovekit is like “??? no??? we have to get my friends theyre right over there??” she says pointing in their direction w/ her tail. blackstar is ready to cry. so blackstar and purdy follow dovekit as she leads them closer to riverclan territory where they hear the tawnyspawn screeching like banshees.

they run over and find several cats w/ the tawnyspawn who are pinned down. “if you breathe in my direction ill kill all three of these children,” says a snotty dude.

“who tf are you” says blackstar

“im darktail you insolent snot,” says darktail.

one of his cats grabs dovekit and blackstar snaps. he lunges at darktail while purdy beats up the dude who snatched dovekit. the tawnyspawn take advantage of the moment, escape, and dogpile the other cats. its a disaster.

darktail swears revenge on blackstar till his dying day or something. nobodys really paying attention to him at this point. he runs off w/ his crew. “alright then” says blackstar. this has been a really weird and long day for everyone. blackstar wants to leave purdy but all the children immediately start crying. they bring purdy home.

“holy crap!!! purdy!!!!!” says tawnypelt. “why are you here??” but then she sees her children. she and rowanclaw give them a very stern lecture about Not Running Off Without Telling Anyone (in which tawnypelt is a massive hypocrite but to be fair god told her to)

in the meanwhile, blackstar asks dovekit how tf she knew they were there. “i could hear them, Obviously. ???? cant u not???” blackstar just looks at her. dovekit realizes that probably not everyone shares this ability. blackstar shoos her off and calls a meeting w/ the senior warriors.

dovekit goes off to bother purdy for stories and play w/ the tawnyspawn. nothing particularly interesting happens. blackstar and russetfur call her over later and start assessing her abilities. its only slightly a disaster because shes wildly distracted 80% of the time and her powers are unwieldy bc shes a kit.

cue training. there is a lot of trial, error, and tears (on both sides) but it works out in the end (mostly).

time skip. its been a few months. dovekit becomes dovepaw and blackstar mentors her b/c of her powers. at this point shes gotten control of how to pick out numbers, locations, troops, etc. basically she is a living radar.

blackstar calls another meeting w/ the senior warriors and afterwards calls a clan meeting. “alright losers we’re going to take back our territory and kick riverclan’s butt”

they go over the clan w/ all the cats and begin the trek home. another time skip because that takes a while and nothing particularly interesting happens.

when they get back, the clan stays outside the border while blackstar has dovepaw do a sweep of the territory. she finds a patrol led by a black cat named reedwhisker. blackstar picks a patrol out and they go to ambush the riverclan patrol.

the shadowclan patrol takes reedwhisker + the patrol hostage, but lets one go to tell mistystar. mistystar takes a patrol and comes over. “if you dont give us back our territory i will kill your son” says blackstar. mistystar is like “bro. i dont even want your stupid crusty territory anyways. screw you.”

she takes her son and the rest of the patrol and leaves. another win for shadowclan, obviously. maybe they have a party idk. end of book.

fading echoes

cinderheart has not been doing well. she’s been doing really badly, actually. her best friend died and she blames herself. she’s still grieving and continually lashing out at everyone around her. poppyfrost and honeyfern attempted to be there for her but after the continual rebuffs they decided to just give her space.

unfortunately cinderheart. doesnt have any other friends in thunderclan, so the only person she can talk to is lionblaze. unfortunately theres only so much he can do from windclan, so mostly shes been just been going into a downward spiral.

ivypaw hasnt been doing great either. she feels extremely guilty because she thinks its her fault that dovekit ran away, and when dovekit is never found, it gets 50x worse.

but she also doesnt want to say anything about her involvement in fear of getting punished. as time goes on, she starts getting babied by the clan (almost like leopardstar when she was a kid) because her sister disappeared and she took it really hard.

and like on one hand, she likes the attention, but on the other hand its too much a lot of the time. she starts adopting this “stop babying me!1!1!!!”/kinda edgy persona. the clan takes it like shes grieving, and she’ll grow out of it, so they dont say too much.

so the book opens w/ ivypaw and fernpaw’s apprentice ceremony. brief context about how fern was recently found by the thunderclan border w/o parents and taken into the clan. fernsong is apprenticed to brightheart. ivypool is apprenticed to cinderheart.

firestar probably thinks that they might be able to bond/break through to each other because they recently lost a sister/adjacent sister. neither of them are particularly enthusiastic about it.

cinderheart isnt particularly invested in ivypaw’s training. ivypaw can tell and gets rightfully frustrated, bc brightheart and fernpaw are getting along great and making lots of progress, while ivypaw is falling behind becuase cinderheart is being a terrible mentor.

ivypaw starts fighting back (disobeying, talking back, etc.), partially because this is the only time she gets paid attention, and partially because shes just mad, which makes cinderheart mad, which then makes ivypaw fight back more. this causes cinderheart to become more and more distant. in short: ivypaw’s apprenticeship is a disaster.

at some point during training, theyre practicing climbing trees and cinderheart tells ivypaw to do something. to spite her, ivypaw does the opposite and ends up falling, dislocating her leg. cinderheart panics and cinderpelt emerges.

cinderpelt basically possesses cinderheart and relocates her arm. they go back to camp and take ivypaw to the medicine cat den, gives ivypaw some poppy seeds and ditches.

“wow um. wtf was that” says cinderheart. leafpool is like, “hahaha………… about that. you’re um… cinderpelt reincarnated.”

“what.” says cinderheart

“CINDERHEART IS CINDERPELT REINCARNATED???” screams foxleap at the top of his lungs in the middle of camp. whatever was left of cinderheart’s life shatters.

so now instead of ignoring her, the entire camp won’t leave her alone - except now they just treat her as they would cinderpelt. “hey cinderheart remember when [enter something that happened in the old forest here]??” “hey cinderheart can you fix my paw??” “hey cinderpelt-” “are you going to become a medicine cat then??”

to pour more salt into the wound, cinderheart now gets a free commentary on everything in her life!! (this definitely includes lionblaze) there used to be sort of a barrier between cinderheart/cinderpelt but since cinderpelt emerged/took control, it shattered.

so between cinderpelt complaining about all the terrible decisions she’s made and the entire clan pretending that she’s cinderpelt instead of a Completely Different Person, when hawkfrost shows up w/ an invite to fight club on the weekends cinderheart is more than happy to take him up.

sure hawkfrost is wildly annoying and clearly hates her guts for some reason (no matter how hard he pretends not to whenever tigerstar is around) but this is great for three reasons.

1) nobody in the dark forest has any idea she’s cinderpelt. 2) warrior training!! emphasizing she is a Warrior not a medicine cat. 3) time away from cinderpelt!! they arent the same soul so they cant read each other’s thoughts (unless theyre trying to communicate) and cant share dreams

so she might be purposely oblivious. whatever. she doesnt even know who hawkfrost is b/c anybody outside of riverclan immediately forgot about him because he really was not very effective at all. and its not like hes about to start spilling the beans until shes ready to be indoctrinated w/ dark forest propaganda.

meanwhile, tensions between shadowclan and thunderclan have been rapidly rising. again. prey is being stolen, scents are on other territories, patrols get into skirmishes often.

firestar is hurt because he was trying to get mistystar to lay off on the territory and blackstar is mad because they literally Just got back and thunderclan is ALREADY trying to reinstate old rivalries.

cinderheart really isnt paying attention to what’s going on cuz shes. more than a little wrapped up in her own problems. until it turns into a war.

this battle feels way more vicious than normal. cinderheart tries to recall how this whole thing started and realizes she has absolutely no idea what tf is going on???

throughout the fight she notices weird stuff happening. mousewhisker and redwillow nod to each other. ratscar + blossomfall swap glances. applefur pulls snowbird off thornclaw’s back. literally wtf thinks cinderheart

and then russetfur takes a stab at firestar. out of nowhere, thornclaw goes for her throat. cinderheart barely saves russetfur in the nick of time - the injuries are bad enough that she is forced to retire.

“screw literally everyone in thunderclan except u” blackstar says pointing @ cinderheart “and i hope the rest of you rot in the dark forest.” he rounds the rest of shadowclan up and then leaves.

“well that was weird” says cinderheart. she goes off to find ivypaw and realizes that shes. not responding. oh thats a lot of blood-

cinderpelt pops up again and works w/ cinderheart to patch up ivypaw until she’s stable. they bring her into the medicine den together and let leafpool look her over. she says that they made it in time and ivypaw will live. she leaves to go look after the other patients, leaving cinderheart with her apprentice

cinderheart realizes that this is her fault. had she actually paid attention to ivypaw and given her proper training, this wouldn’t have happened. she resolves to try a lot harder to be a good mentor for ivypaw’s sake.

cinderpelt approves and apologizes for being so intrusive on cinderheart’s life. she really doesnt want to be in here either - this was a decision the idiots in starclan forced on her. she was taking it out on cinderheart, which wasn’t fair for her.

cinderpelt promises to try to give cinderheart as much privacy as she can (while trying to figure out how to get out of her brain). cinderheart thanks her. there’s a brief bonding moment.

cinderpelt says that since ivypaw seems stable she’s going to go to sleep now, since she exhausted herself earlier.

just as cinderpelt goes out to the back of cinderheart’s mind, blossomfall comes storming in about how cinderheart messed the plan up and how cinderheart screwed everything up for everyone & she’s a traitor to the cause, Honestly cinderheart you’re so useless-

“literally wtf are you talking about” says cinderheart

“you saved russetfur,” blossomfall says. “if we take out the leaders and deputies, we can destabilize the clans enough that taking over will be a piece of cake. are you a dark forest trainee or not, cinderheart?”

end of book

[neanderthyall]

Normally when young teens/pre teens come into my job theyre pretty typical customers like polite enough but yesterday there was a group of 12 year olds, none of whom were wearing masks (where i live i haven't seen anyone try and go in stores without a mask like we're all pretty good about wearing masks when shopping and stuff) and they were soooooo disrespectful like normally when customers are rude im pretty numb to it but like these kids were intentionally being rude and when my manager told them to wear masks they got all whiny like "i have asthma" like me too but i have to wear a mask all shift

Anyway it was just really frustrating and made me really mad which..... i know its probably their parents fault and that they'll likely grow out of this (hopefully) but i genuinely cannot comprehend, nor could i at the age of 12, the idea of being so unkind to people i dont know

[ihateeveryoneincludingmyself]

i don’t think anyone I know irl has my tumblr so I’m just gonna vent here.

so in May I met this girl on tinder, and we hit it off super fast and we talked nonstop it was honestly pretty overwhelming because I didn’t remember what it was like to have someone into me. she was trying to move very quickly and I’m very emotionally unavailable so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with her.

we remained friends. super good friends. she even considered me her best friend which I didn’t even know she felt that strongly until we started to fight. thought I was just some dude she talked to when she wasn’t hanging out with her irl friends.

our first fight happened when I realized how deeply she’s into the awful college student drinking partying culture. to be clear because this is something she doesn’t fucking understand, I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF. okay so here’s why I’m extra sensitive about this topic. my parents were alcoholics. also did heroin n shit but yeah I wasn’t allowed to live with them. and every time I see someone fucking wasted, it reminds me of them. i remember my grandpa taking me to restaurants to visit my parents and by the time we finished eating they were drunk. couldn’t even talk to them as a little kid. I lost my childhood due to alcoholism. i know this girl is just a college student partying blah blah blah but it can lead to worse and like.... seriously who the fuck wants to talk to someone who can’t even produce sentences? when you’re that intoxicated it’s simply not healthy even if I didn’t have trauma related to alcohol I would probably still be concerned. anyways, I progressively got more angry with her. i said a lot of things I shouldn’t have . i tore her apart in response to my anger. i hate myself for the way I treated her, but GUESS WHAT? she still doesn’t listen to me. still regularly getting wasted and it fucjing pisses me off because she goes around telling people that I don’t let her DRINK. LIKE SHES MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!! IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BEFORE I GOT INTO DETAIL ABOUT THIS: I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF.

anyways, now as I said she still fucking gets wasted all the time,BUT SHE DOESNT TALK TO ME. but she posts about it on her Instagram story (which I’m blocked from seeing but.... I have my ways🤷🏻), she talks to other people JUST NOT ME. THAT WASNT MY FUCKING INTENTION WITH MY SERIES OF INTERVENTIONS. I WANTED HER TO BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH ALCOHOL? AND THEN SHE CAN ENJOY A DRINK AND STILL TALK LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. GOD IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY TO KNOW THAT SHES STILL BEING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A GLORIFIED ALCOHOLIC, BUT SHE JUST DOESNT DRUNK TEXT ME ANYMORE.

ooh then another fight.... I was venting to an NOW EX FRIEND FUCK THAT BITCH SHE BOILS MY BLOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT HER of mine ..... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOD I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID.... DECIDED TO SNITCH ON ME AND MESSAGE THE GIRL AND TELL HER THAT I WAS VENTING. AND SHE MISINTERPRETED AS ME “TALKING SHIT” WHEN I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. SOME PPL SAID “SHES TOXIC” I ALWAYS FUCKING DEFENDED HER BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE FIGHTING I STILL ADORED HER. so yeah that put even more tension on our friendship. AND I DROPPED THE SNITCH GIRL RIGHT AWAY, I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE HER BECAUSE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GIRL COULDVE BEEN SAVED IF IT WASNT FOR HER. FUCK HER. I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH AND NOW THEYRE FRIENDS AND COMMENT ON EACHOTHERS POSTS AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

anyways, like I mentioned I said a lot of terrible things to her. i was really fucking angry and I said some terrible things which I deeply regret and I tried apologizing and making it up but now already our friendship was messed up.

also, she eventually ended up getting a boyfriend and like, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous I’d be lying but I was the one who rejected her in the first place so 😳😳it’s whatever. but she told her boyfriend everything about me and this guy now hates my guts LOL . ever since she started dating the guy she talked to me less and less.

and during a short period of time when we weren’t fighting I introduced her to a friend of mine and now they talk a lot and she likes him more so YES IM FUCKING JEALOUS AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

but this friend of mine she started talking to leads me to my breaking point. so you know she’s been distant because apparently every time we talk it’s a fight but I’m like BUT WHY?? and this next fight will show exactly how ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, SHES TO FUCKING BLAME AS WELL!!

so she’s been ignoring me for a couple days after a PETTY FIGHT THAT I FELT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING JUST A SILLY LITTLE FIGHT THAT IDC ABOUT. basically she got mad because I was bullying that friend of mine about his league of legends stats 🤣 literally a fucking video game that she doesn’t like and she’s mad at me for TEASING MY FRIEND.

so I got kinda sad.... like why is she ignoring me??

she eventually responded after I sent her a looong paragraph with some identifying info so I’m not gonna show it. BUT HERES WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE ISNT GONNA TALK TO ME WHILE SHES GETTING DRUNK !!

okay the next screenshot has more identifying details so I’m not gonna share but basically she LIED TO ME SAYING SHE HAD NO SERVICE FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHILE I COULD GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS TEXTING MY FRIEND LIKE EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT . HE TOLD ME THEY STILL TALKED AND SHE WAS PURPOSELY IGNORING ME BC IM TOO STRESSFUL FOR WHATEVER. BUT SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT

so basically, here’s how it’s not just my fault . yes, getting angry is my fault I could be a little less harsh. im working on it. BUT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS AND THEN LIES TO ME?? COME ON ISNT THAT A VALID REASON TO BE UPSET

anyways this is the last thing I sent her before deactivating my Instagram (I have her number too but we rarely talk on there). but the fact that she said we aren’t friends anymore.... broke my fucking heart. I broke down in tears. I had to stop myself from hurting myself or saying something dumb. so I ended it there.

i tried to hard to fix what we once had. yes, I’m at fault for being a dick and not being able to control my anger. but she’s at some fault for giving me valid reasons to be upset. i tried to hard to fix our friendship. but the more I try the more angry I get. she isn’t going to listen to me. she doesn’t even care about me anymore. it’s over.

ive been pretty suicidal lately. a few months ago I started cutting myself again after years and I hate myself for it. i pushed everybody away. she was the last person I regularly talked to. maybe now I can take a break from the fighting, try to get to a better place mentally, and try to get back in touch with some of my other friends, or make new friends.

idk I’m still very upset but this long ass vent that no one is gonna read helped a lot. this all happened over a few months and today was where I ended it. time to start a new chapter I guess

[zebrasaursaylor]

Oh right! No! Of course you have! Silly!!!! Didnt know you ALL prolifers have been told these things by some unfindable, never proved, Facebook screenshots bullshit???!!!

But i mean if this is the game you want to play.

Ive been told by a huge prolife blog my friend who lost her child and had to get an abortion, her story "doesnt matter" and i need to "shut up" about her story because it didnt fit her narrative.

Ive been told she should have died

She wouldve been a ahit parent anyways if she wasnt willing to die for her already dead child.

Shes a slut and should have never opened her legs its her fault in the first place.

Ive been told my friend whos pregnancy was ectopic that she killed her child (that passed naturally) and should be in jail or put to death

That she should have waited until she knew the pregnancy wasnt viable to even consider abortion, and was told by more than one dumbass that her pregnancy "could have been saved" when it really just would have burst her tubes.

Ive had a prolifer tell me we need to SEND PEOPLE BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM and FORCE THEM to procreate to "repopulate" since they think theres a shortage of people. A fucking shortage. Of. People. Yea.

And you pretty much just said the exact same thing over and over so im assume you only heard that many otherwise youd switch it up a bit.

Okay no probs i got more.

Me personally have been told i should be shot for supporting being prochoice.

Ive been told i should be sexually assualted violently.

Been told im a murderer. While being threatened with murder.

And thats just the striaght up violent shit.

In person i get things like

"Wow how long have you been married, and still no kids?" Which compared is pretty nice but oh. Yes. This has been happening since day 1 of marriage. Everyone just tells you how much you need to have kids you need to have kids, HAVE THEM NOW. BUT the real problem with these irl prolifers is that when you say no, the FLIP. THE. FUCK. OUT. ive had people get red in the face mad at me for saying "i dont want kids yet".

And then, theres the even better part. When we tell these irl proffers we might adopt instead. [Now. Fyi my husband was adopted by his father. Everyone knows. This.] And yet. Everyone makes this face when we talk about it, an utterly disgusted face. Followed immediately by a orchestra of voices saying bullshit like

"But dont you want, ya know, your own kids?"

"No! You cant!!! Id be so upset!! "

"Why would you want to adopt you know kids wo are adopted are fucked up right?"

"If you adopt youll break (insert name)'s heart!!"

I mean i could keep on going but you get where is going and it just gets worse tbh. Have this convo anytime we see any family or family friends. Every time.

Are there prochoicers out there who say shit like that? Well. Yes and no. No because if they feel that way and say those things they arent really prochoice are they? Somewhat like how prolifers occasionally admit telling people they should die is going to far, but like with the exception that when prochoicers see it, we call it out. Unlike 99% of yall. But yes these people might refer to themselves as prochoice and i cant stop them from doing but i can call them out and tell them why theyre wrong.

And i mean. If thats all you got to make prochoicers look bad. I have bad news for you. Your terrorists group literally bombs clinics and guns people down on their way to church and in their homes. They harrass any and everyone who goes *near* clinics. They steal photos of wanted children so they can stick them on posters and shove them in peoples faces for emotional manipulation. They, the prolife law makers, wanted to pass a law that would have doxxed women from that state whod had an abortion in the past 5 years. Why other than to cause terror and harm to them???

You can keep repeating "well i seen! I seen!!!" And good for you. You probably did. If you point me to where you found those ILL even call them out for you. Wouldnt that be swell for ya?!

And now. Id love to play the "whos heard worse" game but. Clearly, im winning on that front and i dont enjoy repeating myself. It takes more than 5 sentences of someone telling me "some asshole said this somewhere once!" To make a good argument. Or even an argument period. Youre going to look at what i said yall said and say the same thing.

Both sides can and do say fucked up shit. Anyone can say fucked up shit. Only prochoicers seem to call out themsevles though. Only Prolifers *base their fucking arguments* on that shit.

It is possible to be pro-choice without degrading disabled people, people conceived in rape, teenage mothers, poor mothers, and mothers of several children.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 4]

I’m on a roll.

There’s more rape in this one; it’s not really described in detail, though. There are also references to what occurred in the last chapter, and an instance of mostly consensual sexual activity (although it stops short of actual sex).

Recap: Last chapter, Tiaa’s foster parents Dave and Marie left on a trip, leaving her in the care of “Uncle Larry” (Dave’s brother), who promptly began beating and raping Tiaa. After one such incident, she ran off into the woods and encountered a strange man who claimed to be her father before blacking out.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that!

I never got the whole “don’t like, don’t read” thing. How can you know if you like it if you haven’t read it?

btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1

Having bad things happen to your character doesn’t make her less of a Mary Sue. Loads of Sues have tragic backstories. Look at Batman.

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy.

That’s actually pretty in-character for the guy, if I remember the Twilight Saga correctly. He’s nice, but not very interesting. I think Bella even made the puppy comparison at one point.

My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

So uh… what happened after she blacked out in the woods? Was her dad gone when she woke up? Did Uncle Larry do anything else to her after she returned home? Did she return home?

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

You know her name! You’ve called her by name before!

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

Think this is the author calling out her flamers or what?

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed.

Man, I love this fic. “RAT HOOKER” is a great insult.

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

I don’t remember Jessica that well from the books, but I think she was described as short and a chatterbox. I don't think she was a cheerleader or had a particular fondness for pink. Also she was dating Mike at one point after Bella set them up with each other.

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

Wait, so are they sluts because they wear revealing clothes or because of their behavior? Because right here it seems like Mike is criticizing them based on how they dress, which is a bit weird when we remember Tiaa also wears revealing clothing (“fishnet top” ring a bell?).

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I don’t remember a damn thing about Lauren or Angela but I remember they both existed. One of them was definitely shy but I don’t remember which.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

Remember in chapter 1 when Tiaa talked about how she used to be self-conscious about her appearance but got over it and now doesn’t care what people say about her?

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

If you don’t have that MCR song playing in your head right now I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

Oh, of course, the Sue’s backup choir.

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

I like the idea that Tiaa could be multiple friends.

Judging from the names, these three are children of that white mom whose baby name photo went viral on the internet. The one who named her kid Lakynn or something.

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities “

“That’s why we made sure to talk about how pretty we think you are.”

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool.

How long was that again?

I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech.

Glad we skipped the scene where Tiaa has fun with her friends so that we can get back to the part where Uncle Larry assaults her again. Nice to see the author prioritizing.

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

Phrasing seems to imply that if he raped her in a different location it would be alright.

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

I hope “soddenly” is an intentional double entendre.

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Who could this be?

Edward.

Never would have guessed!

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

Wait, every gay at school? Including the gay boys? This girl is powerful.

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"

Uh… the fic would go in a direction I don’t expect it to and it might be redeemed somewhat by at least being less predictable?

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

Use of OMG may seem anachronistic, but that abbreviation has actually been in use since the early 1900s, so it’s totally reasonable that Edward might use it. Although probably not out loud.

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind.

I think he’s sending mixed signals.

I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him.

So deafly?

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear.

Again, I hope that’s innuendo, but in this fic it’s actually possible the author thinks “suddenly” is spelled like that.

I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

Nothing turns a guy on like naked heaving beasts!

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

No one in this fic has any self-control whatsoever, huh?

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no!

Okay, I guess Edward has a tiny bit of self-control. Which is good, as he is a vampire and would probably be eating people left and right if he was totally unable to control himself.

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside.

Bread, eggs, milk, squick. Uncle Larry seems more interested in hitting Tiaa than raping her, incidentally.

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

Aw.

Next chapter

[doetoes-blog]

8/5/2017

i went off on the stable owner's stepson today because i asked if he wanted to muck stalls while i turned out and filled water buckets and he was like "sure!" so, like, it was reasonable for me to think he would actually do it, right? idek what he thought he was doing, but there was so much pee in some stalls after he was done that i physically couldn't breathe in them and i definitely couldn't put a horse in there in good conscience. there were still piles of poop that had just been scattered a bit left in every stall. did he just play with the poop or something??? i don't know. so i asked him nicely to go back and clean the stalls properly FOUR TIMES and he just? sat there? on his phone? before i went to the owner like "hey he said he was going to do this and it's not done and i'm really mad" and EVENTUALLY he went back and cleaned one stall? but like i still had to go back over all of the other stalls and tbh i showed my butt and i was like "NO ITS FINE YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WE CAN DEEEEFINITELY PUT LIVING, BREATHING CREATURES IN THESE STALLS, YEP, THEYRE PRISTINE!!" meanwhile shoveling poo like a wild woman. and omg GET THIS, then he said "i didn't know there was a rule that the stalls had to be clean." WHAT??? YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT WHEN YOU MUCK A STALL THE POINT IS TO CLEAN IT? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE POINT IS? SNIFF THE POOP FOR THREE MINUTES AND YOURE DONE? ROLL IN A PUDDLE OF PEE THEN GO HOME? THROW WET SHAVINGS IN THE AIR AND TRY TO CATCH THEM WITH YOUR MOUTH? WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU DOING IN THERE???? WHAT 👏🏻 DO 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻 THINK 👏🏻 MUCKING 👏🏻 STALLS 👏🏻 MEANS 👏🏻 aaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHH and i cried in the tack room because i rarely ever get angry and i can't handle it but no one noticed and the owner was like "sarah please come sit down you need to rest" bless her heart i think because my face was red and i was pouring sweat and i had already done all of the rest of the morning chores she thought i was going to pass out or something lol. i was just. ugh. and i bet everyone hates me now. but like why would you said you're going to do something if you're not going to do it??? i'd rather him have been like "nope i'm not gonna do it because i'm a lazy little brat" then halfass it. this is the same kid that this morning i had to """teach""" how to brush horses when he's been working out there since like january? and he said he """didn't know how""" to pick feet so i was like "come here and i'll show you on this horse" (pointing to the most bombproof, dead broke horse out there who probably wouldn't even kick a fly, so he had no reason to be scared) and he was like "uhh no thanks i'm good" ????? so i guess i should have known that he's just lazy. luckily he only comes out on weekends so i won't have to deal with him mostly but from now on i'm just not going to expect him to do anything and always expect to have to go after him to get things done. then later the owner's daughter yelled at me (like not in an angry way, she just thinks it's okay to yell at people for some reason... like omg if i had spoken to my mother the way she speaks to hers omg) because i needed help moving abraham's saddle up because it's really heavy and she just? slid it up? and so i was like "uhh that'll mess up his hair and he'll have a saddle sore" and she screamed "ITS FINE HIS HAIR IS FINE OH MY GOD" ughhh. i just keep telling myself that she's just a kid who thinks it's okay to yell all the time and she didn't mean anything by it. but yeah his hair was messed up and she fussed at me for tryingh to fix it ughhhhhhhh. but whatever. i know i'm just overly sensitive but it still hurt y'know. and i guess i need to keep that in mind with the boy too, he's just a dumb kid with no work ethic and he doesn't want to be out there but his parents make him so it's not really his fault he's shitty. like i'm out there because i want to be so it's way easier for me to work hard i guess than it is for him. i do feel bad for loosing my temper, moreso because i know i'm better than that than i feel bad for him because he calls everything a f****t and was bragging about sharing his ex girlfriend's nudes around the school because she's "ugly" so i honestly wouldn't have cared if he cried like a little pissbaby. but i hold myself to a higher standard than how i acted today. idk. but now im scared everyone hates me but i don't think that's rooted in reality because after everything died down everyone was nice to me again. idk. but anyway! i had a good day even though i got a sunburn on my nose. i rode abraham on two trail rides and found out he doesn't care for carrots... which sucks because i bought a huge bag. and i want to train him to come to the stall door dangit!! but i also found out that he knows "woah" a lot better than i expected, so today i didn't need anyone to hold him while i mounted and dismounted. yay, progress.

[beebosbitchh]

All the odd numbered gay asks!!

wow ur really going for it (thank you ha)

// edit: im like 2-3 questions in and im just now thinking that this wasnt the best idea since ive only ever dated 2 people //

1. describe your idea of a perfect date

  probably just hanging out together, like cooking/baking something and watching a movie together etc. social environments can be overwhelming/tiring

2. whats your “type”

me: //describes claire

3. do you want kids? 

atm,, no

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?

if i did, itd probably be through adoption 

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on

uhhh probably the one when me n claire kissed for the first time or when we went to the science center or the history museum just last weekend,, idk claire is cute she makes it hard to pick just one

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?) 

n/a

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?

wannabe morning, but truly a night time gay

8. opinion on nap dates? 

PERFECT! all i wanna do

9. opinion on brown eyes? 

so good. honestly all eyes are 10/10

10. dog gay or cat gay? 

dog probably but my cat qualifies as a dog so whats the truth

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles? 

heck yes??? i actually really like rats?? and snakes?? like idk theyre cool af… plus claire has turtles!

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone

shoot idk,, probably along the line of morals bc im bad at reading personalities beforehand?? does that make sense

13. what is a misconception you had about lgbt people before you realized you were one?

 i think growing up w gay aunts helped me be less ignorant before i realized who i was for myself… i think it was hard for me to get stereotypes out of my mind? not like “oh theyre ____ bc they ___” but more “they’re ____? but they dont seem _____”

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self

youre questioning yourself for a reason. labels arent everything, take your time.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders? 

n/a 

16. who is an ex you regret? 

my only ex…?

17. night club gay or cafe gay? 

cafe

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for 

dallon. fucking. weekes. have you seen that man? beautiful

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?

movie gay def

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)

currently garent bc its so pure n cute

21. favourite gay((/lgbt+)) youtuber

dodie clark, connor franta 

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?

nope ive never asked any one out tbh

23. have you ever been in love? 

yes

24. have you ever been heartbroken? 

y es

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone

ok idk how to describe this feeling but i feel like this story is relevant,, a week ago my friend was talking to me about a guy and he showed me a picture of him and i honestly dont remember his face at all like i could not pick this guy out of a crowd bc i was more focused on the HUGE DOG LAYING ON HIS LAP like you guys,, it was such a big dog,  o m g. but yeah like i look at guys but i dont see them bc i dont care lol. but gorls?? i get anxious asl if one even looks at me let alone talks to me soo

26. favourite lgbt musician/band

does brendon urie count?? also st vincent. both dont perfer labels… haley kikoyo, troye sivan

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays

take your time. labels can be comforting but restrictive. do your research, be a part of the community even if its just as an ally. dont be afraid to experiment! be w a guy, be w a girl, do what you think will help you know what you do and dont like. the hardest part and coming out to yourself.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out

hahhahahhahaaa…. i didnt really come out on my own terms.. i think my friends mom said something to both of my parents lmao! but i didnt specifically say something to her so its kinda my fault ig… my dad just asked me if i was and i was at the point where i was comfortable and there would be no point in lying. my mom is a different story that im not about to think to much into. i was really really sad and didnt want to talk to her in the first place but she tried to comfort me and then outed me out of nowhere?? literally one of my lowest points it was so awful and embarrassing i felt like i couldnt breathe i was so sad and mad and she wouldnt leave me alone. 

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have

mom

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality

i hate this so much bc what really can you do… personally, stay safe. keep your head down if you have to… its really awful that you have to be cautious in the first place. but dont sacrifice who you are. push the boundaries when you can do so safely. stay strong and see a future where we dont have to be scared ((this is probably really bad advice but i dont know extreme situations… for me its mostly school and certain places in public))

[vulture-jack]

I think my problem with not enjoying puzzle games is that I dont get a sense of accomplishment out of figuring out a puzzle.  

I get a sense of inferiority when I struggle with or CANT figure it out.

Long ass elaboration that got way to deep and a little A LOT to self-analysis…y below the cut.  

Solving a puzzle in a puzzle game feels like something im SUPPOSED to be able to do because SEEMINGLY everyone else can, if the game was THAT hard no one would buy it or praise it or recommend it because two few people would be able to beat it and have the full experience, so I’m just stressed and constantly feel like my intelligence is coming into question if I can’t get through it?  If everyone else can get through it, and I can’t, what does that say about me? Fucking EVERYONE has beat Portal. Except me. And no one even really talks about how HARD Portal is.  Except for me. So puzzle games tend to make me feel like shit.  For a number of reasons, I tend to just. Give up. A lack of motivation, getting no joy out of the puzzle aspect and seeing it as a chore, it not being the way I typically enjoy exercising my thinking muscles, etc etc.

 And even if I CAN beat those puzzles, its a stressful as fuck experience through the whole damn thing. Like taking a standardized test.  Even though thats not the case?  I feel like I’m being tested and I hate taking tests because I don’t celebrate good grades so much as feel they are expected of me.  If I do poorly or even “average” C level I feel like a failure.  The negative emotions I got from low grades WAY overpowered any positive emotions I got from good grades. Good grades = relief that I didnt get a bad grade and i didnt ruin my future and my parents wont get mad at me.  And this same feelings accompanies puzzle games.  If I CANT do it, then I feel like shit about myself and get a nice helping of lowered self confidence and heightened insecurity.  If I DO do it, then its nothing to celebrate because its part of the game, everyone who plays this is supposed to be able to do this. Tons of people already did this.  Its not really an accomplishment to me.  I know this is a flawed way of looking at things, but every time I encounter puzzle games or people recommending puzzle games to me because “No but this ones really good!” Im like…it doesn’t matter.  

Every time I hear someone talk about the sense of accomplishment they get while playing puzzle games I’m like “God I wish that were me”.

And if you want to comment on this like “No you should finish X its really good!” Im going to get mad at you. I won’t say I’m mad at you, I won’t ACT like I’m mad at you because I know in reality I’m just an irritable fuck who takes things way too personally, and I try to act according to that knowledge and not take it out on people who dont deserve it. But I’m going to be irritated as fuck. 

Unless its super fucking easy or environmental and not the core draw of the game, I have no interest in subjecting myself to that stress. Puzzle games are STRESS to me. Its not their fault or the developers fault I’m insecure as fuck but that doesn’t make me enjoy the experience. 

The kinds of puzzles I don’t mind are the simple ass ones that show up in Uncharted, for example. But some of those even stumped me and if the whole, or even half the game was those, I wouldn’t play them, and theyre frequently my least favorite parts of a game.  

If finishing a puzzle is easy and i manage to finish it i might get a little bit of “yay i did it” but its usually more like “yay thats over now let me climb some shit or shoot some guys or see a new location”.  

Puzzles don’t make me feel smart and accomplished, they pretty much do the exact opposite.  

I’m more likely to say “Im not smart” these days because I’m so sure other people are going to reach the same conclusion that I feel like I need to beat them to it. That somehow, if they at least think I’m self aware of my own flaws, they wont think as little of me. Isn’t that fucked up?  Thats fucked up, though.  

 I know that its all bullshit, too, though?  Like I know a puzzle game does not measure my intelligence, and that my “intelligence” does not measure my worth. I know that society has fucked up ways in which it values “intelligence” and places worth upon people for factors out of their control.  I know that measuring peoples worth by their “intelligence” is fucked up.  I’m not educated enough on the topic to speak on it at length like I know what the fuck I’m talking about, but I’m aware of these realities.  I would not hold another person up to these standards which I hold myself do.  My failures to do certain things reflect negatively on me, but do not lesser OTHER PEOPLE who share my same failures in my eyes. 

But I was also raised in this society and it did fucked up things to my brain and trying to unlearn them and get a healthy state where I can play Portal without feeling like my worth as a human being is on the line is harder than just being aware of those fucked up things. 

And I don’t really know Puzzles in games bother me so much, considering I feel accomplished when I beat a small army that was giving me hell.  Even though its the same thing.  Tons of other people can beat those enemies, and at a higher difficulty, and probably faster and more efficiently. But I don’t care. Thats fun an engaging and rewarding. A puzzle is a boring chore at best, and a stressful unwanted hit to my self esteem at worst. Its literally homework. Its literally school to me. 

I think it might have something to do with the rigidity of puzzles and their answers?  You have to figure out the one answer, or the one path to that answer.  The answer is the solid, concrete goal and you gotta figure out what is usually the ONE way to do that. Whereas with killin small armies of mercenaries, i know what the answer is. Get them all dead. How I do it is my business, and I get to feel creative and tackle things MY WAY.  I get to be smart MY WAY.  Because real life puzzles arent often “heres a complicated set of things that a person set up with one or two answers, figure it out”, its usually like.  “Heres a problem created by circumstances, and theres probably a ton of ways to get what you want, do what you gotta do, and because you WANT IT, you have the motivation to give a shit”

If all im getting out of puzzles is an advanced PLOT, then I’m just gonna get pissed and look up a lets play so i can see someone that doesnt hate puzzles because puzzles make them hate themselves for me. 

This is why games like Portal can hold me at first and lose me later when its really obvious that theres just something I’m missing, and god I’ve been stuck in this room for so long that its killed any interest I have to continue playing this game, but I’m going to carry around this badge of “No I didn’t actually beat Portal 1 OR 2 ok, I got STUCK.  Leave me alone please I know im a disgrace, you dont have to tell me.”

Puzzles then become harder because I have no motivation to solve them.  I’m sure there are plenty of puzzle games I COULD BEAT but since I have no desire to or gain any real sense of accomplishment from them, I have no motivation to put my brain power into it when I could be playing another game I don’t have to force myself to enjoy because I feel like “Should” because this is what “Smart” people do and if I want to be “smart” then I should do stuff like this. 

That and im so used to games where puzzles are an obstacle keeping me from where I want to go, the distractions from everything else I love about a non puzzle oriented game. 

So while a puzzle game might have a great story, characters, aesthetic, etc.  I will never WANT to play it.  I might wish I ENJOYED it but I just do not have an interest in dedicated “Puzzle games”.  

TLDR I grew up one of those “smart kids” who found myself slowly slipping behind through highschool, hit hard as fuck in college, and now feel like I’m mostly behind everyone else in terms of study, life and motivation, im insecure as FUCK, and puzzle games hit that nerve like a goddamn mallet. Wow this got WAY FUCKING DEEPER than I wanted it to. 

TLDR Shorter Edition: I’m really fucking insecure. 

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with puzzle games or the people that play them.  I am a firm believer in the idea that just because a play style or format isn’t for me, doesn’t mean its bad and shouldn’t exist, ( I’m lookin at YOU, people who complain when a game is a tightly controlled linear narrative. I LIKE those, go play the bazillion other games that ARENT those.) 

[no25]

redoing a survey i took 4 years a go!!1! :~) 

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

ya because i have asthma so fuck dat // yes

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

all of the above loooooool // taken uwu

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

i’d say thank you, you are too // same answer!!!!

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

probably // not that i know of

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?

nah // yes uwu

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

nothing. sleeping in on monday pretty much // nothing....

7: Do you want to be single?

i dont mind // not rn bc i am happy in my relationship atm!

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

i went out and i had jollibee // i stayed in but i wish i went out...!

9: How late did you stay up last night?

til like 1 or 2 i think doing fuckin nothing lol // i dont remember but it was late!!

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?

junior year??? and RIGHT NOW ???????? LMAO!!! // yes (: rn!

11: Last three things you had to drink?

breakfast, lunch, and dinner: mocha cappucino, sprite, and water // water, strawberry lemonade, baja blast ! 

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

ya man i’m fake af lol // yes

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

ya man i’m fake af lol // not sure, but maybe...

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

my mom probably // my bf tony omg the answer difference

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

depends but not rly bc i’m fake af lol // idk wtf i was talkin bout but in terms of platonic relationships, it rly depends on my closeness with the person! and i’ve never been thru a breakup so i cant say anything...

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

ya what was that like august? been single since i was born tbh // no uwu

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

getting ready to shower // i was still in bed lol!!

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

trisha but she was only holding on to my pinky // tony!

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

no bc it is too late for me // same answer lol

20: What would you name your future daughter?

clara after the singer or adora after that prodigy // who the hell was i talkin about... okay just googled who adora svitak was (the prodigy i was talking about) and sis was born in 97... i too was born in 97....damn i was mute for like half my life and sis was in a TED TALK at 12 so thats cool... anyway i want to name my daughter after my mom!

21: Do you miss anyone?

not really. just one person // yes :(

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

yea but they were just quick pecks on the cheek // yes

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

no it took place while i was sitting down in a chair and it was from my pops on my forehead //  i do not remember actually LOL

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

ya bc i’m fake af lol… just kidding my friends say i make shit hella obvious sometimes guess i’m not as good of an actress as i thought i was // hmm no but i wish i was... but i’m a PISCES i ABSORB EVERY EMOTION AND IT SHOWS

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

fffuuuuuuck yyyeeaaaa // yes :(

26: Who did you last see in person?

my parents? what you tryna ask here // i dont rly understand the contxt of this question, im just gona say my roommates bc theyre in the room with me

27: Are you listening to music right now?

yes chandelier by sia // no i’m listening to an asmr video!

28: What is something you currently want right now?

to finish my hw but that’s not happening anytime soon bc f society // i was sooo angsty back then omg lol but i want new makeup, clothes, and accessories!

29: What is the last thing you said out lot?

this question because i read it out loud bc of the typo // hmmm i don’t remember! i think it was... can u wash my fork

30: How is your heart lately?

heavy // empty (: damn i’ve been depressed my whOLE LIFE huh

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

yes because my head gets cold // sometimes!

32: Are you wearing socks?

yes and they’re grey / not rn

33: What do people call you?

chacha or princess sometimes but not really mostly just charlene // charlene, char! not rly chacha anymore! i miss being called chacha! but ppl who arent that close to me started calling me it so its weird! but it might b my fault for pushing the nickname... but i mean nicknames are only a given IF ur close with that person right... so idk why ppl thought itd b ok right away! like cmon ppl!

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

maybe~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~but if i do i’ll feel like i’m bothering him lol / maybe ! but it’s ok if we dont

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

you think this a joke ofc there are wtf!!!! // yes.. same answer LOL

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

my mommy // tony

37: Did you do something bad today?

procrastinate)))))): // same answer, add two shots of ~hate myself~ in there too

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

like two days ago? is that sad / today!

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

ya but it’s my own fault i’m hella dumb but in the end i’m just like oh well ALOT which is actually not healthy at all / yes! it fries my brain and i become numb to it lol

40: Will you sing today?

i sing everyday // i hope!

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yes because i am so bad at talking / same answer!

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

kaithleen and i like talking to megs but when i do tell people stuff i feel like i am giving them more stuff to worry about so i usually end up not going to them at all lol / tony or my vocaloid sisters groupchat! 

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

no; thanks jesus / no

44: What are you listening to right now?

we could happen by aj rafael / same asmr video!

45: What is wrong with you right now?

a lot of things / i need to find new ways of unlearning the harmful coping mechanisms and negativity i’ve internalized, but i know it takes a lot of work for self improvement, so i think it’s easier to just be sad :(

46: What is on your wrists right now?

my sleeves and my veins / wtf angsty bitch lmao NOTHING is on my wrist lol chill

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

t’s a house find and it says tiburon and conference center lodge so ig uess it’s from there / it’s a free shirt from a programming company! or gaming i cant remember....

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

hot chocolate wtf is hot apple cider i never tried it / hot chocolate!

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

i used to / aww same answer, maybe i should start again! but i always lose track of time...

50: Are you a good artist?

fuck yeah. sike i’m a disgrace / no :(

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

ew / yes!!!!!!

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

who do you think i am do you think people like counting the months backwards? anyway idk i didn;t do shit in july / yes bc i would b at home with my cat!!!!!!!

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

no / not while it was moving!

54: Do you have trust issues?

ya bc i’m fake af lol / yes :(

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

tony or kaithleen kinda but she always falls asleep / tony!

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

yea think so from my middle school days but the only thing i can rly think of is this pikachu shirt / yes!!! that pikachu shirt, a goofy movie shirt, and a spirited away shirt!

57: Do you use chap stick?

i used to / not the brand chapstick but yes! i think my lips have become too dependent on it tho bc they dry out or sunburn easily if i dont use it for a while or if its a rly sunny hot day!!

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

yes probably but on accident pretty sure i’d remember it clearly if it was on purpose / not that i know of!

59: Do you have a little sister?

no but if i consider my friends as little sisters i’d have like seven or soemthing / no!

60: Have you ever been to New York?

no but i would love to go / not yet!

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

yes and i love them too / same answer !!!!

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

ya and it was the opposite sex dude you asked about earlier / yes!

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

talkin to the late night people you asked about earlier / on my laptop watching asmr videos lol!!

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

no / yes 😥

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

ya like 10 / i cant believe i counted... but yes!

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

no / yes, tony!

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

i actually don;t remember oops sorry mom give me up for adoption / yes, tony!

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

i am okay with both but i have to be close to you first to face you if we sleepin on the same bed lol / im fine with either !

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

i dont think so. everyday feels the same and i am bored all the time / im gona speak it into existence, YES!!!!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother. 

[samanthasroberts]

34 Men Discuss Society’s Insane Double Standards That Favor Women And Hurt Men

Found on AskReddit.

1. If women sexually harass us, its seen as amusing rather than rapey.

One night in a bar, this incredibly drunk, incredibly skanky woman started fucking grinding on me while I was just trying to sit and drink a beer. Rubbing her gross vag all over my pant leg, and generally being disgusting and inappropriate. While this was happening, I thought If the roles were reversed, security would be tossing me out the door headfirst. Instead, people just laughed.

2. If you go anywhere in public with little kids, youre seen as a predator pedo.

Im a 19 y/o male, and I babysit my 3 and 6-year-old girl cousins often. Last time I babysat them, we played tag, then we had to go to the grocery store. The 3-year-old decided that she wants to play tag, and runs away from me, so I chase her down, playfully saying, I’m gonna get ya! in a funny voice cuz it gets her to laugh. A mom passes by and grabs my 3-year-old cousin, takes the 6-year-old, and goes to a manager. My aunt had to come down and tell them that I was watching them. That was the worse it’s been, but if I go anywhere in public with little kids, especially girls, I’m seen as a predator pedo.

3. If you and a girl both get drunk and have sex, only one can be accused of rape.

There was the anti-rape poster I saw a while back, where two teens get drunk and hook up. The dude gets busted for rape since she couldn’t give consent. The poster mentions nothing about it being the other way around, as in the girl getting busted for rape since he couldn’t give consent. The poster completely disregards the dude as a possible victim. It even goes as far as shaming the dude saying he ruined his life. Made me sick. All it did was promote male victims to want to hide even more.

4. Men are always the dumb ones on TV.

That men are always the dumb ones on TV. I grew up with three sisters and my mom, and I’ve always been disregarded as the stupid, out-of-touch male. Then, when I end up being right most of the time, I make a big deal about it and make everything worse, AND ITS THE TVS FAULT.

5. Women dont get blamed for dumping a man; when a man dumps a woman, hes afraid of commitment.

When a woman leaves a relationship she is praised for pursuing her needs, but when man leaves a relationship he is criticized for not being able to commit.

6. Female bisexuality is accepted. Male bisexuals? Theyre just gay.

How female bisexuality is more accepted and acknowledgedsometimes even encouragedthan male bisexuality.

7. Male genital mutilationtotally legal in every country.

Female genital mutilation: Totally illegal in most countries. Male genital mutilation: Totally legal in country.

8. If a woman gets angry at a man, its his fault.

Man gets angry at a woman, he needs to control himself. Woman gets angry at a man, man needs to learn not to make her angry.

9. Our society doesnt believe that women can sexually abuse boys.

It’s probably way too late for this to get any attention but I am a male victim of sexual abuse.

I was first sexually abused when I was four years old. It was swept under the rug because the 25-year-old that did it to me was going through some things and didn’t know any better.

Fast-forward to when I’m 9 and I was sexually abused every Friday for over a year and a half. I was told by my abuser that if I let anyone know, it would be my fault and I would get in trouble. One day I finally told, just wanting it to end even if I got in trouble. What happened? Both me (9) and my female abuser (23) were given a stern talking to. That was it. She went on to live her life. I never saw her again.

Every Friday I was locked in a room and bound. I would be left in the dark while I would have her perform oral (attempted since I was 9 and unable of getting an erection). She would pump me full of fluids and when I had to go to the bathroom she’d have me pee on her. At times she would pee into a cup and try to force me to drink it. If I was being more cooperative than usual she would untie my hands and have me touch her. At the end of every, I dunno what to call itsession?she would tell me that if I told anyone I would be taken from my parents. Even if they didn’t take me from my parents her dad who was a bad man would kill my mom and my sisters.

That is until I was 15 and made a Facebook. She found me on there and would leave comments like look who grew up sexy and stuff like that. I reached out to the adults in my life and they told me to ignore it, which I did. But they told me I was a guy and I could handle it. It’s not something that keeps me awake at night. But in order to get over it I had to harden myself because I’m a guy and guys can’t get raped.

On a previous reddit account I went to open up on a victims of sexual abuse page. I wrote out a multi-page post just getting it out there. The only replies I got were about how I was a guy and I didn’t know what it was like to be violated as a woman. I was harassed for weeks by women on there for trying to compare my experience to theirs.

10. Women can beat us up all they want, but if we hit back, were monsters.

I’m a big guy, I shave my head and grow a beard, most people think I’m intimidating.

Truly I’m timid at heart, I know how to box but have always found a way around confrontation.

I had a girlfriend that got crazy violent when she was mad, knives, tazers, guns, frequently got involved. I hit her a lot in self defense (we were together for 3 years it definitely played into my low self esteem, i loved to hate it) and it completely ruined my psyche. I think of myself as a woman beater, as a misogynist now just knowing that I’m capable of it.

Just the idea that I can hit a woman has driven me to some of my darkest depths and even now typing it I dont feel justified in my actions despite the fact I was protecting my own life.

One night she came at me with a tazer from behind she started it early and I had enough time to move, she tripped and stunned herself, screaming in pain, bruised her forehead hitting it against the floor. Neighbors heard and called the cops and she gave a false statement. Of course looking the way I do it didn’t matter what I said, I spent a night in holding before she dropped the charges and got me out. I guess I’m just thankful she “loved” me enough not to let me get charged with that shit.

It’s made me scared about new relationships because I’m afraid someone can just tell a cop whatever they want and I’ll get fucked.

Shit this will probably get buried but it was nice to say it. edit: this post blew up r.i.p. my inbox. appreciate all the support and kind words. pm me if you want to talk peeps.

11. Stay-at-home dads are lazy losers; stay-at-home moms are empowered heroes.

I’m a stay-at-home father because I’m taking care of my wife and I’s 2 year old son. My wife’s got a career that’s promising advancement and she works sometimes 12 hour days. I often get the Why doesn’t he have a job and He’s a deadbeat dad routine but if I was a woman I’m sure I’d hear about how mothers work so hard as housewives.

TLDR; Man stays home raises child = Lazy, Woman stays home raises child = Hardworking Hero.

12. If youre a male nurse, people think its because you couldnt become a doctor.

When a man is a nurse people think and many times say in their face Couldn’t become a doctor, huh?

13. If a girl sexually assaults you, youre supposed to enjoy it.

I was sexually assaulted by a girl when I was plastered once and kept saying no I don’t want this. Woke up feeling violated and insanely uncomfortable yet when I told people they all told me to suck it up and I should’ve enjoyed getting some action.

14. There are huge gender disparities in criminal sentencing.

That women who have sex with underage boys aren’t given the same sentences as men who do the same with underage girls.

15. If men show feelings, theyre seen as pussies.

I don’t like how if guys show feelings and emotions they’re some kind of pussy and if a chick does it’s normal. We are all humans and we all have the same emotions that aren’t good to bottle up.

16. Guys are still expected to be the breadwinner.

I don’t like that there’s still this idea that guys have to be the breadwinners and provide for families. Some guys are cool with being househusbands, and women are just as capable of bringing home the money.

17. If a man who murdered a woman spoke at a Mens March, itd be national news.

There was a speaker at the women’s march on Washington named Donna Hylton. She got up on stage and talked about how she had spent 25 years in prison (not mentioning why of course), and the audience cheered.

Turns out, she spent 25 years in prison because in 1985, she and a handful of other people kidnapped a 60-year-old man, tried to ransom him for $435,000, tortured him for three weeks (Hylton personally sodomized him with a metal rod), strangled him, and stuffed his body into a chest to decompose.

I can’t help but wonder how a man with an equivalent record would be received at the same event.

18. Women are allowed to reject guys based on their looks without being seen as shallow.

When I turn down chubby women I’m shallow, but I get turned down for being bald and it just her preference.

19. If a man cheats, hes an asshole; if a woman does, its the mans fault.

I hate the TV portrayal that if a man cheats its cause hes an asshole and heartless but if a women does its scandalous and its cause her husband must either treat her bad or is just never around.

20. Despite what Hillary Clinton said, men are the primary victims of war.

That men for some reason have to be soldiers in some countries while woman only .

21. Divorce laws are lopsidedly in favor of women.

Divorce law.

Women are entitled to alimony at a MUCH higher percentage, even when she’s the primary bread winner.

The idea that a divorced woman has the right to a standard of living consistent to when you were married is gross. No one is entitled to a standard of living, that’s life. That we can be divorced and I can lose my job but still have to pay to keep you living how we were when we were married and I was employed…its insane.

22. Sex toys for girlsnormal. Sex toys for guysweird loser.

When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun. BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he’s called a pervert?

23. A guy who plays video games for hours has a problem; a woman who watches Netflix all night doesnt.

When I play 3 hours of video games I have a problem. When my wife watches 5 hours of Netflix every night its not a problem. Edit: I agree this is not a gender thing. Sorry about answering the question wrong. There is a double standard with gaming/television watching though.

24. Men are expected to just sit back and let women hit them. If they complain, theyre a pussy; if they hit back, theyre a monster.

Domestic Violence. I just got out of an abusive relationship two weeks ago and I’m shocked at how hard it was for me to talk about it and get taken seriously with my peers. She was so mean and I’m the exact opposite these days. Only today have I felt validated for everything when I happened upon a counselor on another thread. I feel terrible about myself still and apparently that’s normal. I’m 6’4″ and a professional bouncer/bodyguard but let me tell you. Men can be abused just as easily as women. It was so bad I’m spending my lunch break here and trying to find a support group. The abuse was mental and very physical. Because I’m a large man though no one would take me seriously. It was always my fault, always me to blame. The preconceived general thought is that men are tough and can handle it. If not then I’m made to feel emasculated and told I’m a pussy. The truth is I just don’t believe in harming people I care about. I’m ranting now because I still can’t really talk about it to anyone. It’s a sad and shitty double standard. No one should have to deal with abuse.

25. Part of being a man is being disposable and no one giving a fuck if your life ends up ruined.

That part of being a man is being disposable and no one giving a fuck if your life ends up ruined.

We hear talk all the time about the gender earnings gap, women’s right to bodily autonomy (via abortions and access to birth control), and other women’s issues, and those are all important things to discuss.

What we don’t hear as often is the fact that 84% of the homeless are men, 92% of workplace fatalities happen to men, 91% of people in prison are men, etc.

We talk about the subtle forms of discrimination in society that result in women choosing to pursue careers which don’t compensate them financially the same way that careers popular with men dobut we never talk about the subtle forms of discrimination that cause men to at a rate nearly an order of magnitude higher than women.

26. When a woman is raped its a tragedy; when a man is raped its a joke.

When a woman is raped its a tragedy; when a man is raped its a joke. When a woman falsely reports a rape, it ruins the man’s life, she gets off scot-free or a tiny jail term.

27. Men who take selfies are much more likely to be accused of narcissism.

I have to say that the standard of what is acceptable on social media. If a female Instagram profile is full of 400 attractive selfies, people are not as critical of the narcissistic side of the pictures as much as they would if it were a guy. Not that I would want to post 400 selfies, but constantly posting pictures of yourself in specific poses isn’t a form of modeling or self-love as much as it is an expression of narcissism.

28. Theres no demand for plus size male models.

How we apparently need plus sized models to represent all women’s body types, but the thought of having male models with beer bellies and no rippling muscles/6 packs is disgusting.

29. Women get shorter sentences for the same crimes as men.

Women who can’t pay child support go to special homes. Men who can’t pay child support go to prison.

Women get shorter sentences for the same crimes as men, such as murder, rape, theft, or simple misdemeanors. Sometimes they aren’t punished at all

If a drunk male and a drunk female have sex, the female could charge for rape since she could not consent even though both parties voluntarily intoxicated themselves. This isn’t a common problem but it happens more than it needs to

Female requirements for the military, police, and fire responders are easier. During basic training in the army I saw a dude carrying 2 rucksacks (google it) and a girl walking behind him with nothing on her back.

Male rape victims are ignored or taken less seriously

Sexual harassment in the workspace happens to men and to women, men are just less likely to report it since they’re taken less seriously.

There are female quotas for CEO jobs, which inadvertently puts more qualified men out of a job in the name of gender equality.

Men pay higher auto premiums.

Women in divorce courts are more likely to win custody.

Men who want to teach young children are weird creepy pedophiles.

30. Its not OK to think a girl is too fat, but its OK for her to think guys are too short.

Its not OK to think a girl is too fat, but its OK for her to think guys are too short.

31. If a guy cries or shows any emotion whatsoever, he’s weak or not masculine.

That if a guy cries or shows any emotion whatsoever, he’s weak or not masculine. Fuck that. Guys are humans, not robots. They should be as expressive with their feelings as they want with whoever they want. I’d argue that trying to repress your own vulnerabilities is the real weakness.

32. Women who make rape accusations are automatically believed, even if theyre lying.

I fucking hate it that a woman can accuse a man of rape, and everyone’s on her side without a doubt, even if she’s lying. Flip it around, and the first thing the guy gets thrown in his face is probably something like You’re supposed to enjoy it, or You let a woman take control of you? That’s more scarring to the man than it is to the womanat least people take the woman’s word for it.

33. On a sinking ship, its women and children first.

The biggest double standard to me is ‘saving the women and children first.’ Why does a man’s life suddenly have less value in these sorts of situations?

34. Pro-choice? Men have absolutely no choice in the matter.

If an unmarried couple becomes pregnant the woman has 100% of the choice to keep the baby or have an abortion. If the man wants the baby and the woman doesn’t the man is out of luck. If the man doesn’t want the baby and the woman does the man is on the hook for 18 years of child support. Controversial I know, but I’d like to hear thoughts.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/16/34-men-discuss-societys-insane-double-standards-that-favor-women-and-hurt-men/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/34-men-discuss-societys-insane-double-standards-that-favor-women-and-hurt-men/