#(im a mom im not a mom ive never been a mom i have an eight year old im not a mom i am a single mother i am not)
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introducing, bambi!reader....
trigger warnings!!: religious trauma, parent death, stalking, dark!rafe, alcohol abuse, daddy issues, rafes coked up so he justifies his crazy with protecting you, just an overall sense of impending doom from reader...
also thank you to @starkeysprincess @nemesyaaa and @sematarygirls for helping me with motivation and ideas!!! 🫶
God loves you, but not enough to save you
bambi was born scared...scared of 'the eyes', scared of her parents, scared of her pastor, scared of the Lords looming presence, haunting her wherever she goes.
What was meant to be a source of comfort and salvation, and she supposed, at some point, it had been, now had turned into something evil. something that lurked in the back of her mind, following her wherever she went. she could not escape, she could not leave, she was trapped, with the only option being to drown.
she was obedient, she went to church, she obeyed her mom, or at least she had when her mom was still alive. now it was just her and her father, the quiet, and the presence.
she supposed things had been better when momma was around, easier, safer, she missed the warmth her mom brought into the house. she missed when her mother would accompany her to church, lecturing her about staying away from boys, staying pure, not throwing her life away like she had. she listened, she always listened to her, clinging onto every word like it was the last time she'd ever hear her speak. It payed off, bambi remembered everything momma said to her, every word spoken, every whisper of 'go to your room, go to sleep' when her father had come home drunk, disturbing what had been a peaceful night huddled up on the couch.
she knew her mother loved her, even though most of the time she failed to show it...bambi knew.
Her days are spent keeping herself busy, she attends ballet nearly every day, only missing Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Wednesdays are spent at piano and bible study, ending her day with the evening sermon. she stays after to help clean up, its one of the only places she feels like she can breathe. the lords presence looms, but shes not scared of it here, its not watching, waiting for her to lose her way. she sits on her knees at the alter, tears streaming down her face as she begs for salvation and forgiveness for crimes she didnt commit, her whole body trembling with fear as she stares up at the massive crucifix at the top of the stage.
unbeknownst to her, rafe lingers in the back corner of the church, watching with a sadistic smirk on his face. he could never get enough of her pretty face, especially when she was on her knees. he cant help but take a few pictures to add to his collection, fueling his obsession and desire. she maintains a strict routine, and he follows her for every bit, making sure she gets home safely. she was his, he couldnt have anyone looking at her too long, knowing she felt their predatory gazes burning her skin. he protects her, keeps her safe.
everything he does is for her, and when he was finally ready to show her, he knew she'd be grateful.
authors note: ahhh omg ive been kinda working on this for a while and im actually so so nervous to get it out
i really hope you guys like her!!
tags: @nemesyaaa @chrisfortheblackgirls @gibson-g1rl
#chloe’s works ˚୨୧⋆｡#xoxohoneymoongirl ᡣ𐭩#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron prompt#rafe cameron blurb#bambi!reader x perv!stalker!rafe#bambi!reader#perv!rafe#stalker!rafe#ethel cain#obx blurb#drew starkey
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Romeo and Juliet | RC5 x Reader
pairing . . . rafael camara x non!famous!reader
summary . . . When an iconic kiss happens after Rafael's championship win, fans dig deep to find out who the mystery girl is
request . . . kind of?
word count . . . N/A
warnings . . . none! just some badly translates portuguese bc i dont speak it...
faceclaim . . . random girls from pin // reader isn't fluent in portuguese so she doesn't speak it much but i'll put translations when she does
alexavia yaps . . . legit had this in my drafts for like a week ive been procrastinating this for AGES like idk why?? SO SORRY ITS SHORT </3 anyway i hope you guys like this bc its a bit rushed and kinda shitty like.... also theres gonna be some prema driver features so yeah!!
yourusername
liked by rafaccamara88, premaracing, jameswharton and 681 others
yourusername race one done!! can't wait for race two! my boy is going to win the championship <3 tão orgulhoso de você meu amor! te amo muito <3 (so proud of you my love! love you so much <3) tagged: rafaccamara88
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yourfriend1 congrats to rafa! Liked by yourusername
rafaccamara88 muito obrigada, princesa (thank you so much, princess)
yourusername so proud of you rafa!! you deserve it!
yourbsf GUYS MY HEART
username mom and dad
username i'm so happy y/n isn't famous we need to gatekeep her
username she's the best WAG and also so nice!! we have to protect her from the public eye
username the cutest couple Liked by yourusername
rafaccamara88
liked by yourusername, premaracing, yourbsf and 231k others
rafaccamara88 we did it! thank you so much for the prema team and my teammates! and to my amazing girlfriend, thank you for the support and encourgment. i wouldn't be here without you ❤ tagged: premaracing, jameswharton, ugougochukwu, yourusername
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username CONGRATS RAFA
username VAMOS BRASILIA!
username amazing race!
yourusername AWW OMG <33 ILYSM RAFA!! CONGRATS ON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!
rafaccamara88 I LOVE YOU MORE
username GUYS DID YALL SEE Y/N AND RAFAS KISS I AM NOT OKAY
username THE KISS OMGGGGG
username THEM KISSING WAS SO ICONIC
f1waggossip
liked by motorsportwags, premaladies, frecagfs and 661k others
f1waggossip who was the girl behind rafael camara's iconic championship kiss? find out more about yourusername and who she is!
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username NOOO MOTHER Y/N IS BECOMING KNOWN TO THE PUBLIC
username we failed in our mission guys </3
yourusername didn't know i became famous, thanks ig?
username HELP I LOVE YOU Y/N
yourusername sorry!! i only love rafa 🥰
username she's so pretty wtf?? i'm jealous
username RAFA WATCH IT SHES MINE
username FELL TO MY KNEES Y/N ISNT OUR SECRET ANYMORE
yourusername
liked by rafaccamara88, premaracing, racerbia and 12.4k others
yourusername guess im famous now? dont worry ill NEVER forget my og followers <3
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username dont forget us y/n
yourusername never queen
username y/n saying she'll never forget the og fans 🥹 my heart can't take this
rafaccamara88 i'll love you even if you were the least famous person on this earth
yourusername RAFA HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
yourbsf if you didn't tell him you told ME
racerbia Y/N WE NEED YOU IN THE ACADEMY RACES
yourusername I PROMISE IM TRYING TO ATTEND ALL OF THEM BUT THE FRECA SCHEDULE DOESNT LINE UP </3
jameswharton my best friend is becoming famous 😔
yourusername i'll never forget you jamie
username Y/N AND THE PREMA RACERS IM GONNA CRY
username HER CALLING JAMES 'jamie' I'M DEAD
jameswharton
liked by rafaccamara88, yourusername, racerbia and 98.1k others
jameswharton sappiest but cutest couple i know tagged: rafaccamara88, yourusername
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yourusername aren't we the only couple you know?
rafaccamara88 yes james
jameswharton SHUT UP N/N
yourusername no <3
username not y/n and james fighting HELP
username AWW THEYRE SO CUTEEE
username james wharton, professianal rafay/n photographer
racerbia my photos are better what is this?
yourusername yes yes they are
jameswharton why is everyone bullying me today??
rashidaldaheri rashid erasure
yourusername sorry rashid xx
rafaccamara88
liked by yourusername, yourbsf, jameswharton and 184k others
rafaccamara88 minha linda menina. eu te amo mais do que tudo. tenho muita sorte de ter você na minha vida para me apoiar e me animar. te amo ❤ (my beautiful girl. i love you more than anything ever. i am so lucky to have you in my life to support me and cheer me on. love you) tagged: yourusername
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username SHES SO PRETTY
username my wife rafa back off
yourusername eu te amo mais do que tudo <33 (i love you more than anything)
rafaccamara88 <3
racerbia woah
rafaccamara88 me on a daily basis
yourusername YOU GUYS I LOVE YOU
jameswharton FINE ILL ADMIT IT
yourusername say it jamie
jameswharton ...you are aesthetic
yourusername WOOHOO!
username i need a rafa-y/n kind of love
username young love is beautiful
username modern day romeo and juliet
#f1#formula 1#formula one#freca#f3#trident#formula 3#formula three#rafa camara#rafael camara#rc5#x y/n#x reader#smau#rafael camara x reader#x you#rafael camara x y/n#rafael camara x you#rc5 x reader#rc5 x y/n#social media#social media fic#social media fanfic#rafael camara smau#rc5 smau#x reader smau#social media au#female reader
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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Hey guys. So I know we've all gotten some very bad news, and anyone with a conscience is deeply upset. But one of the things this means is that the situation in Palestine is even more urgent, because we know that while Kamala might have, Trump isn't going to listen to any calls to lessen America's support of violence in Palestine. So, I'm putting out my next fundraiser post a bit earlier than expected - I really, really encourage you all to read these and try to match at least one of my donations, and reblog if you can't. I wish you all the best.
Waleed Ayman Alanqar and family - vetted (#107) - The fundraiser is for Waleed, his wife Areej Haniyyeh, and their 3 year old son, Ayman. They were forced from their home almost a year ago. The fundraiser is to help them raise the money needed for the family of 3 to evacuate to Egypt. They have €1,606 raised of their €20,000 goal - only 8%! - so I'm donating a little more than the usual €5 (€7). Waleed's tumblr account is @ayman-waleed, if you want more info.
Alaa and family - vetted - Alaa and her husband were displaced from their home on October 7, while Alaa was pregnant. Alaa's husband died before their daughter was even born, and now Alaa is raising her baby without him, after having to give birth without the needed medical care. Because of the poor conditions, her daughter has been suffering from illness, including a viral stomach infection and histolytica worms. Alaa needs to pay for her daughter's medical treatments, and for milk and diapers which are very expensive in Palestine right now. They have $14,280 raised out of their $30,000 goal. Alaa's account(s), for more information: @alaa-gaza / @alaa-gaza223
Wafaa Abdul Karim Abu Al-Rish and family - vetted / vetted - The fundraiser is for Wafaa (@wafaaresh3) and her family, which includes her mother, her brother Mohi (@mohiy-gaza), her sister Fidaa (@fidaa-family2), and Fidaa's two children (Sila, who is two years old, and Mohamed, who is 6 months old). They also have a cat. They have been displaced more than 10 times. Wafaa's mother has chronic illness (hypertension), and is unable to access her medicine, which means her health is getting increasingly worse over time. The main goal of the fundraiser is to help the family evacuate to Egypt. Wafaa's fundraiser has $74,018 raised out of her $85,000 goal.
I'm going to post a second part with three more fundraisers soon!
Here's my previous fundraiser posts: Post 1, post 2, post 3
#I'm going over budget with these hopefully my mom wont get upset at me#We have the money I'm just. unemployed. And taking this from the Family Money because my credit card still isnt approved#BUT! I recently applied for a job that I think I might get!!#(ive been given permission to do this im just given a specific budget for it that im going over rn bc ive gotten so many more messages than#usual)#i gotta earn family money access from doing extra work around the house. which is honestly pretty dope bc i never got an allowance#or anything like that. growing up#probably in part because we didnt have any real money until a few years back when my mom got a good job#free palestine#save gaza#all eyes on palestine#text#american politics#donald trump
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it’s 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man there’s just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes it’s throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so there’s a lot i’m coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said ‘mmmmmm now i have u in my grip’#whatever it’s fine he’s stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesn’t miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence it’s wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this you’re one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says don’t date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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Arrow if Slade and Oliver had a fucked up toxic romantic thing going
#im dead serious this would've made the show better#there's a video essay that talks about how Felicity ruined the show and like. i liked Felicity but theyre right#if we didnt have to suffer through 7 or 8 seasons of olicity that would've been so much better#and really you can never go wrong with toxic violent ships#just imagine slade turning against oliver but also them being in love like the conflicted emotions???#slade comes back to get revenge and oliver has to deal with the fact that he still loves him. as he's actively trying to destroy his life#and because of the mirakuru slade's emotions are distorted but deep down he loves him too#he still kills his mom. and get sent to lian yu#but then when there's the adrian chase thing and he goes to lian yu slade is cured like in the show#and instead of parting ways or whatever i can't remember slade joins team arrow#at that point i think team arrow low-key sucked so this would've immediately improved it by 90%#and then theres a lot of pining and eventually they do get together. and there's no william also ive decided#and obviously no olicity baby so no future flashforward#well actually they should've stopped the show when the flashbacks were over#why am i talking about this show i havent seen it in years.#sladiver#oliver queen#slade wilson#arrow cw
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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Shittt okay i gotta admit. Boreas is hot too 👀👀
I got a soft spot for him, but in a "what a pathetic wet rag of a man, I wanna see him get smooched silly" kinda way
#Even if it was a brief interaction you can tell Hermes doesnt enjoy his company DKRKMWMS#Bro needs to get his mind off beefing with Ares. Someone gotta melt his frozen heart#Eos is not exactly a self insert cuz im a transmasc genderfluid guy irl. So im not his selfship mom LMAO#Ive been wanting to oc x canon ship him too#But this guy's Mythology Romances record is ABYSMAL LMFAOOO#The only partner he is recorded to have is Orithyia...or more like he kidnapped and assaulted her. That myth is terrifying#OBVIOUSLY Boreas in my Herculesverse hcs would NEVER go that low. He may be a dick but not an incel BFKDNKS#He is just. A grouchy solitary wind goober who fears letting himself get attached to anyone. If he did fall in love he'd be a mess LMAO#Once he does its Ares' time to laugh#Im weak for the romance trope of ice/winter themed isolated characters falling for a mortal so i just might make his partner be a human 💅#Sa mention#Boreas
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happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.
#im. 24 now.#appleyaps#gonna be honest with you guys idk where the fuck my life is heading atm.#but if this manga taught me anything its that i have to keep making choices in order to achieve my own happiness.#ive been making strides... im now exclusively using the men's toilets wherever i go.#and im working on getting a professional diagnosis so i can go on hrt... but the waiting lists are so long.#i took the transfer but now it turns out i still have to wait longer... even though i was promised help quickly.#i dont know how much longer i can take this though. being uncomfortable with myself. im sick of it. i just wanna live.#theres so many things id like to do. but my body and my voice are holding me back from it.#my mom and her boyfriend know now. but my mom doesnt understand and has never referred to me as a woman as much as she does now.#at least everyone at school uses he/him for me now. i was finally assertive about it in my new class#and everyone there calls me teddie. though i'd like people to use tom for me as well. my friends do.#i just need to be even more assertive from now on. im working on it. im doing my best. i wanna live.#at least i have lots to look forward too. thats whats keeping me going honestly. and my friends.#the hope that one day i get to look in the mirror and finally see myself. i want to believe that it can happen. i need it to happen.
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there are always a few habits that youll have that youre unsure if they are things you do because youre autistic or if you do them because youre just a little weird (unrelated to the autism)
#fun fact about me i love coffee mugs theyre one of my favorite things in the world#when i moved i took most of my favorites with me the rest will languish in storage with my mom until i have the space for them#anyways among my favorites are van goghs irises#a mug that says good luck#a mug with a rainbow#a mug with the words 'god has cursed me for my hubris so my work is never finished'#and one that just has a little bird on it#i use the irises mug when im doing artistic work#i use the good luck mug when i need a little boost#i use the rainbow mug on queer occasions or moods#i use the god has cursed me mug for when i have a lot of shit i need to get done (usually because i put it off)#i use the bird mug when im trying to chill out#this is. pretty consistent too#something ive been doing for years#and i dont know if its 1. autism or 2. im just kind of an odd little guy
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#poll#polls#tumblr polls#blog#another family poll!#both sides of my family are rural catholic farmers and both my parents had over half a dozen siblings each#and most of them Also had multiple kids#so im pretty sure i have somewhere between 30-40 first cousins#so whenever i hear someone say they only have like One cousin its always so crazy to me lmao#also i know some people might have adoptive or step-cousins they consider cousins (which is totally fine for this survey!)#but i just realized that i dont know any of my step moms relatives#so i actually have no idea if i have any step-cousins or step-aunts/uncles#(im just not very close to my step mom + she's polish and ive never been with her and my dad when theyve gone to poland)
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yagami should get his back snapped in half like a toothpick if he wanna fuckin sleep on couches exclusively might as well be doin the same amount of damage
#snap chats#judgement posting real ??? <- hasnt played it yet#LISTEN MAYBE TOMORROW IDK#im thinkin to spend my morning on comms then in-between class time on judgement and then the rest of the night on comms#i may or may not be packed like a sardine... omg that reminds me of my train trip tho#the train system i was taking was kinda sketch on the lowest of keys but it was so funny transferring trains#cause the second train i had to take there was An Atom of room left and thankfully i have the body mass of a paper bag#so i just slipped in but then i was just fucking smooshed against the wall. it was hillarious#oh yeah. 'snap why are yo making this very specific post' because i didnt realize the benefits of sleeping on a bed#all summer when i was at my moms i slept on a couch in our basement since.#i refuse to sleep on the same floor as her at this point LMAO she dont make me feel safe in there#so yeah i just did That for three months and ive obvi been sleepin on a bed since going back to school#and dawg while i was over there for the weekend i only slept on a couch Again#the added benefit to sleeping on the couch is my dog is more likely to sleep near me.. hehe..#OH BUT YEAH NOW MY BACK HURT. ive never experience back pain like this before..#maybe the couch i was sleeping on sucked idk. the one i was sleeping on's cushions get pushed out real easy#my usual couch doesnt but... dog...... dog likes the other couch more lowkey....#anyways Get Yagami A Bed 2024
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#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain#i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between#things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay#let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think#which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions#also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes#assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r#usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im#already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage#ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect#thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc#im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs#doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now#unrelated
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Now I remember why I don't draw in front of my family, I get yelled at for it!
#stfusanta#had to shut down a lecture from my grandmother this morning#she was so disappointed in me for not making art my career#'no i wont accept that its your hobby'#'hobbies aren't real! you need to make it your lifes work'#like damn i just like drawing my little silly blonde men#leave me alone#but seriously#the reason i dont is because drawing is the first thing that gave me pure joy#like i get warm and tingly when a drawing turns out the way i want#or mastering a skill ive been working on#and im not harping on people who do art for a living! i think that shits awesome!#but i just dont want that#some people read a book and get lost in it to have their me time#i draw#my moms the same way#both of them say 'i never had a hobby why do you need one!!'#its not my fault you made you life all about work#my grandmother and my moms siblings shame my sister for her hiking#like they think she is insane and irresponsible for working for a few years to save money#and then quitting for a year to hike the AT CDT etc#because she loves it so much and shes lucky that the company she works for will take her back for her job everytime#cause its kinda niche and shes really good at it#but were shamefull for having a hobby that doesnt really run a profit#shame on us i guess
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