#(i really appreciate the concern <3 i am doing okay. but between my brother's wedding and my phd applications. hoo boy.)

[ibroughtyoumybullets-ningy]

You doing alright dude?

i had to wait until i got home from work to make this

[ginnympotter]

call it even

Chapter 2: for old times’ sake

A/N: uhhh so spoiler or whatever but this has a small amount of pretty mild smut? which i've never attempted i can't believe i'm pressing post on this thing please don't judge me lol you can also read this chapter on AO3

I’m parked between the Methodist and school.

She read the text, looked at herself in the mirror one more time, and braced herself. She took her coat off the hook and as she was zipping it up she heard her mother coming down the stairs. “Ginny, hun, are you going out?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” she said, grabbing the doorknob, trying to get out as quick as she could.

But before she could walk out Molly asked, “You know Harry could have come in, right?”

She looked at her mother’s smug smile and groaned. “Goodnight, Mom,” and swung the door shut behind her.

She walked quickly two blocks down, turned right and crossed the street. It was easy to spot Harry’s old truck, not just because there were only 3 other cars parked on that road, but also because it stuck out like a sore thumb, and also was a staple in so many of their memories. She knocked on the passenger side’s window and opened the car door, hopping into the seat. She looked over at Harry to say hi, and saw him smiling. “Hey, thanks for picking me up.”

“Of course,” Harry said as she shut the door. “But why did you make me park two blocks over?”

“Because I didn’t want it to be awkward, with me staying at my parents’ house, but it didn’t even matter because my mom just knew I was going to hang out with you.”

“Molly knows all.”

“Too much.” She looked over at their old high school building, and then at the field they were parked in front of, nostalgia filling her up. “Nice parking spot.”

“It’s weird working at the school we went to. Where those bleachers are,” Harry responded. She felt a tightness in her throat, feeling both excited and uneasy that he was already bringing these types of things up. “Remember how pissed Molly was when we skipped the prom?”

“Thank God she never found us under those,” Ginny heard herself respond. She and Harry looked at one another, twin smirks on their faces. The school bleachers might not be exactly the ideal, romantic place to lose your virginity, but for them it made total sense. She collected herself before her thoughts would get her carried away. “So, um, where to? Everywhere’s closed.”

“Did you eat already?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, okay, um...maybe we could just drive around for a bit? And then head back to my place for a glass of wine?”

Memories from last year flashed in her mind. She nodded and buckled herself in silently. He started the car, the engine gave a loud and disquieting noise, and then they took off. “I cannot believe this truck is still running.”

Harry lightly tapped the dashboard. “She never lets me down.”

Ginny rolled her eyes and sniggered. She looked out the window as they drove down the roads. “Believe it or not I kind of missed this place. Has it changed at all?”

“The same as it ever was,” Harry responded. “But I know you don’t like it that way.”

His eyes were on the road but she could feel what he meant without seeing his face. “I do, sometimes,” she clarified, hoping he would hear her for what she meant. “Is Dumbledore still principal?”

“Yeah, he is,” Harry told her. “And McGonagall still teaches math.”

“You were always their favorite.”

“Dumbledore’s, maybe,” he shrugged. “But McGonagall? She still goes on about my dad. They have tea together like, once a month.”

“But McGonagall let you get away with basically everything. She was just sly about it.”

“Much to Snape’s chagrin.”

“Oh God, don’t tell me he still works there?”

“Unfortunately.” Ginny blanched, and Harry laughed in appreciation. “He was so pissed when Dumbledore hired me. I just avoid him at all costs.”

“I can’t believe you willingly accepted a job where you have to see Snape every day.”

“I know. It’s worth it, though. I really love teaching,” he said. They halted at a stop sign and he used the opportunity to look at her as he said, “You helped me realize that.”

“I was a great tutee, if I do say so myself,” she smiled. “How about the coaching bit? Did the kids ever recover from their loss?”

Harry drove them around all the backroads as he talked about coaching and working at the school. Much of the anxiety she was holding inside her had slowly melted away as they eased back into their regular rapport. Her heart felt like it doubled in size as he talked about his favorite students (though at first proclaiming, “I don’t play favorites, but…”). He asked her more about life in LA and her first year being a starter.

When they arrived at Harry’s apartment, Ginny hung up her coat and watched as Harry’s eyes not so subtly raked over her body before he turned to his cabinet and took out two wine glasses. She sat in the same spot she did the last time she was on his sofa as Harry listed off various wine options. Harry updated her on all the most recent Tupelo gossip as they drank and reminisced on the different characters they grew up with. Every time he smiled she felt a piece of her heart break, she missed seeing it so much.

Harry must’ve sensed it- or perhaps he heard the crack inside her chest- as one of those times his smile dropped to a frown as he looked at her with concern. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ginny tried, taking the last sip of her wine and placing the glass down on the coffee table. She then noticed the People Magazine cover where she was in a little square on the top right for her interview with them last month.

She picked it up and held it in front of Harry, who suddenly turned red. “Er, I, um-” he stammered, and she laughed.

“Fred and George were just making fun of me for this yesterday at their party.”

“What’s to make fun of?” Harry asked, attempting to recover. “I think you did great.”

“Just a bit corny of a profile, I guess,” she responded. “Can I ask why you have it?”

Harry sighed, giving Ginny a very pointed look.

“What?”

“I have it because I was proud of you,” he replied carefully, taking another sip of his wine. “Is that a bad thing?”

And before she could register exactly what she was saying, the words “You could’ve texted me” flew out of her mouth.

Harry raised his eyebrows. “About the People profile?”

“Sure,” she said. Her brain telling her shut up, shut up, SHUT UP, but her mouth continued. “Or any other time before that. Or after I left this apartment after my brother’s wedding.”

Just as quickly as Harry’s face reddened before, it had now drained of all color. “I, er… I don’t-” he stopped himself, clearing his throat. “You could’ve texted me too, you know.”

“Well, why didn’t you?”

“Ginny,” he said softly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to do this right now. Can’t we just...enjoy our time together while you’re here? Before you leave in a few days? I don’t want to fight.”

“Why didn’t you?” she repeated, more quietly this time.

“You know why,” he said defiantly, in an equally low voice.

“I don’t, actually.”

He groaned, putting his glass down next to hers before looking at her intensely. He looked tired, sad. “Because the only thing I wanted to text you was to ask you to stay. And I couldn’t ask that; it wouldn’t be right.”

She had an inkling that this would be his answer, but it still felt nice to hear him confirm it. “No, I suppose not.”

“And I wanted to text you so many times after, but… I was too afraid of what I’d say. And then too much time passed, and- I don’t know, I’m sorry, Gin.”

“Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Harry blinked, taken aback by the abrupt question. “No,” he said.

“Neither am I,” she told him, and then moved closer to him, so close that their legs touched. “You’re right, you couldn’t ask me to stay. But… how about I stay the night, and we could call it even?”

It took Harry a moment to register her proposal. When he did, he swallowed, his adam’s apple protruding against his throat. “Are...are you sure?”

She decided then to let go of her inhibitions, to act on impulse and burning desire, and placed herself on his lap facing him, her knees tightly against his hips, her hands meeting on the back of his neck, lightly scratching the bottom of his scalp. “I’m sure.”

Harry took a deep breath. “Right, then,” he mumbled, and then his lips were crashing against hers, and his arms moved her impossibly closer to him. She opened her mouth and his tongue swept atop hers; Harry moaned as he did it, as Ginny moved her fingers through his hair and pressed her chest against his. They kissed passionately, slow and hot, then fast and urgent, then slowly again. They fell back into their rhythm seamlessly.

When Ginny pulled away to kiss his neck, Harry’s voice was raspy. “Fuck,” he exhaled. She moved her tongue lightly along his collar bone, up the side of his neck, and to his ear as she ground herself more firmly on his growing erection. He groaned, moving his hands to Ginny’s ass and cupping it. “Fuck,” he repeated. “I missed this. I missed you.”

She was too stimulated to think too much about his words for too long, but nevertheless, they still caused her heart to lurch. And hearing Harry express himself- even just the slightest showing of vulnerability from him- always turned her on even more. She blew hot air on his ear, nibbled on the lobe, and then pulled away to take off his sweater. He smiled in a daze as she got the sweater off of him and discarded it. He didn’t waste another second before throwing off his T-shirt (his glasses momentarily getting caught in the process) and then doing the same to her, so he could have the next several seconds to unhook her lacy blue bra and let it drop to the floor. He leaned back and admired the view of her chest, then glanced up at Ginny before touching her. She gave a quick nod and he let himself feel her breasts in his hands again for the first time in almost a year, massaging them gently, then with more power. Ginny felt herself grow hotter just watching how Harry responded to her. He leaned in and took her right breast in his mouth, using his fingers to play with her left nipple in the way that always drove her mad. She allowed herself to enjoy it fully, moaning as she pleased, arching into him, pulling at his hair as he switched from one to the other.

Before long it was too much, and she grabbed his face and disconnected his mouth from her chest so she could kiss him again. She felt her lips tingle with the touch of his tongue, her skin burn as his hands moved to her back, running down slowly to her waistband, reaching under her pants to touch her bare ass, squeezing and spreading her cheeks gently. God, she loved when he did that. After she kissed him thoroughly enough, and her pants felt too wet to wear anymore, she moved to undo Harry’s belt buckle, which in turn encouraged him to unzip her jeans. She removed herself from him so they could remove what was left of their clothes. Seeing how hard he was for her, full and bare, made her weak in the knees yet simultaneously at her most powerful. She pushed Harry back down on the couch, let her knees give in to the floor, and cupped his balls. “Ginny-” Harry grunted, but before anything else could come out of his mouth she took him in her own, licking up his length, sucking gently as she bobbed her head up and down.

It was only around thirty seconds later that Harry stopped her, pulling her head off of him. “Wait, wait, stop-”

Immediately, she felt embarrassed. “Was that...ok?”

“Oh, God, Ginny, of course, it was more than ok, it was fucking amazing but...but I want to help you out first. Please.”

“Harry, it’s fine-”

“No, please,” he said earnestly. “I want to. I really want to.”

She let go of him and nodded wordlessly. He helped her up, laid her down on the couch, and kissed her gently. He then whispered, “Let me make you happy.”

“You always make me happy,” she whispered back. His features changed from eager to wistful. He kissed her again, much more firmly this time, and then worked his mouth from her neck along her body, over each breast, her stomach, the inside of her thighs, before he reached his final destination. Ginny closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh as he pressed his tongue up and down against her clit.

She didn’t have to think or speak or do anything; Harry knew exactly the way she liked it, no matter how much time in between their sexual activities passed, he never lost track of exactly what made her scream, what made her shake in ecstasy, as she did only a few minutes after he began. As she came down from her high, Harry kissed his way back up her body, until reaching her cheek, which he kissed delicately. “You feel good?” he asked hoarsely.

“Mm,” was all she could respond in the moment, panting from pleasure still.

He chuckled sweetly, kissing her cheek again, then her forehead, then her lips. Once her breathing had steadied somewhat, she heard him speak again. “What else do you want?”

“To fuck you,” she breathed out.

Harry moaned at her words as he pushed his tongue back into her mouth, the vibrations sending tingles down to her toes. “Do you want to move to the bedroom?”

“We can go to your bed for round two,” she told him, smiling widely. “But round one is happening right here, right now on this couch.”

“If you insist,” he said hoarsely, moving over her, wasting not another second. They had already lost enough time.

***

Behind her eyelids, Ginny could feel the light pouring into Harry’s bedroom. She felt a twinge of joy as she moved her arms to find Harry’s torso, but all she could find were the sheets. She opened her eyes and saw that his side of the bed was empty. Her stomach fell as she scanned the room for him. She sat up and heard a bit of clanging around in the kitchen. The bedroom door was half-open. She rose from the bed, opened the drawer where Harry kept his t-shirts, and threw his go-to blue tee over her head. She stepped out of his room and walked down the hall to find Harry, wearing only a pair of boxers and his glasses, his hair as messy as ever, pouring an omelet onto a plate with expert ease.

“Morning,” she said quietly.

He turned to look at her and grinned, looking her over. “Morning. Nice shirt.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you alone in there. I just wanted to make you breakfast.”

“That’s sweet, Harry.” She went to sit at the island and he waved his hands. “No, no, not here!”

“Excuse me?”

“Breakfast in bed ,” he clarified. “I’ll bring it in, you go relax, I just am finishing up on the home fries and then I’ll bring it right in.”

“You sure?”

He waved his spatula in the direction of his room. “Go on, now!”

She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him fondly before turning around and heading back down the hall. “Fine, but I’m using your bathroom first.”

“Do what you must.”

After using the toilet and brushing her teeth, she settled back into Harry’s bed and scrolled through her phone. Only a few minutes later, Harry entered with their plates, handing one to her and planting a tender kiss on her forehead. Her insides melted at the gesture. She softly thanked him, scooted over and dug in. Harry sat on his side but at the foot of the bed, his legs folded and his plate on his lap, that way he could face her. They ate in silence, exchanging occasional grins. She felt slightly distracted by his shirtless form and the way their feet touched. When she finished she handed Harry her plate. “That was delicious, thank you. Compliments to the chef.”

“My pleasure,” he told her. “I like cooking for people.”

“Perhaps if this teaching thing doesn’t work you can go to culinary school.”

“I know you’re joking, but I’d honestly consider it,” he said as he stacked their empty plates and leaned over to put them on his bedside table. He then sat beside her and grabbed her hand, interlacing their fingers. “What would you like to do today? That is, if you don’t have any other pressing plans…”

“I do have a hot date or two lined up, but I could always reschedule them for next year,” she joked.

“How kind of you,” he replied, picking up her hand and kissing it. Ginny was finding it hard to control herself with all the seemingly small, natural affection he was showing. “But really, anything in mind?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought maybe we’d sleep in half the day- just for old times’ sake?”

Harry chuckled, glancing at the clock. “It’s already 10am. You want to go back to sleep?”

“Well, maybe not right away,” she said, lacking subtlety. “Thought we could do something to tire us out first.”

“Hmm,” Harry pretended to think. “What could that be?”

She grabbed him by the neck and kissed him, and he sighed, using his free hand to cup her face. After kissing each other sweetly for a minute or two, Harry let go of her hand to grab her and pull her onto his lap. He quickly realized that other than his shirt she wasn’t wearing anything else at all, moaning as he grabbed her ass. He deepened the kiss and Ginny became wrapped up in its intensity, returning it right to him, her hands wrapped up in his hair. Although her body was in the driver’s seat, her mind and heart were racing, thinking about how much this man meant to her, how much she felt like herself when she was with him, how much he made her feel like she could do anything. She cherished every second she could steal with him, before all she’d have is memories to replay until the next time, cementing the feel and the taste of him into her brain. She didn’t want it to ever end.

But not before long, Harry seemed to slow down, and then he pulled away altogether. When Ginny leaned back in to continue the kiss, he barely reciprocated.

“Harry?” she asked, breathing heavily. “Are you okay?”

He cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, I…” He looked at her and she could see the storm of emotions in his emerald eyes. He leaned his head against hers and exhaled. “I’m fine. But...can we pause this for a moment? Can we talk?”

A wave of dread washed over her as she nodded her head and removed herself from his lap. Sensing her tension, Harry grabbed her hand again, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. “What is it?” she asked reluctantly.

He inhaled deeply, his forehead creased. “When you leave later today, I… I don’t want it to be like last time.”

“Well, that’s easy then,” Ginny told him, attempting a smile. “All you have to do is text me when I land back in L.A. this time.”

“And what would that imply, exactly?” Harry questioned. “Me texting you, that is.”

“It-” but Ginny realized she didn’t really have an answer- or, at least, she couldn’t give the answer she really wanted. “It would mean that this wasn’t just some meaningless thing to you.”

Harry frowned, tilting his head to the side slightly. “Is that what you really thought? Or what you’ll think if you leave later?”

Ginny considered his question. “I suppose not.”

“Of course not,” he corrected her, speaking with conviction as he squeezed her hand. “Ginny… I still-”

“Stop,” she interrupted him. “Don’t say it.”

She wanted to hear him say it, of course she did, but she would never be able to leave if she let him continue. She felt her heart break a bit at Harry’s disappointed expression. “What do you want me to say then?” he asked, his voice quiet but his tone stabbing. “That I don’t care about you? That I don’t miss you? That I don’t think about you every time I try to date someone else? I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to hear, but I have to tell you, I can’t even fathom you thinking for even one second that anything between us could ever be meaningless to me. I’m sorry I didn’t text you. I don’t know how to do this.”

“No,” she said as she put a hand on his leg. She couldn’t take it anymore. He was right, hearing all of that was too hard for her.  Knowing the feelings are mutual “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… The meaningless thing was an overreaction, alright? I know… we’ll always mean so much to each other.”

Harry sighed, closing his eyes, his thinking face on. Ginny knew that face too well, and she knew he was trying to work out in his mind how to phrase all his feelings. “I just don’t understand why we gave up two years ago. We did long distance from your senior year in high school through all of college and it was fine. I didn’t want to break up. But you were so insistent that this is what was best once you got a spot on the team and I didn’t want to feel like I had to persuade you to stay together and I just…”

Ginny’s heart dropped into her stomach. There was such an ache in his voice… it hurt her to hear. “I don’t know, Harry, I thought… I thought I was doing the right thing,” she settled on. How could she explain giving up on them to him? To herself? “College was one thing, but as working adults? It just felt like we’d never be in the same place, we’d never be able to actually spend time together… I didn’t want to hold you back. I didn’t realize you…that you would’ve… I thought we were on the same page, I’m sorry.”

“No, I should’ve fought harder for us,” he told her, eyes blazing. “It’s not too late, is it?”

Ginny exhaled as Harry squeezed her hand again. “Harry, I can’t stay here-“

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Well, I can’t ask you to wait for me. I don’t know what’s going to come with my career.”

“I don’t care how far apart we are,” he asserted. “I don’t want to be with anyone else- I’ve tried, and I’m sure you have too, but we always end up back here, don’t we?  I want to be with you. We can figure the rest out as we go. It’s us, you know?”

He smirked at the end of his sentence, and all the feelings she’d been holding in for two years seemed to boil over at once. God, she missed that smile. The same smile as the one she dreamed about every day when she was only 11 and he spent every summer day over at their house with Ron. The same smile that he gave her after their first kiss, and after they skipped the prom and hid out under the bleachers, and when he came home to visit from college for the first time, and when he visited her in her dorm, and when he saw her standing in her bridesmaid dress at Ron and Hermione’s wedding, and then when he took it off of her later that night, and when they bumped into each other at the airport a few months ago, and just last night as she curled up against him in his bed and kissed him goodnight.

Tears warned to spill over, and she cursed herself for blinking one free. Harry put a hand on her face and wiped it for her with his thumb. He looked deeply into her eyes, which only caused more tears to fall. He wiped another for her, and then he kissed one away, and then he kissed her lips so gently she could barely register it.

“What are you thinking?” he asked, a hint of desperation in his voice for some type of answer.

She looked away from him, staring down at their knees. “I still don’t know, Harry. I’m confused. Everything you’re saying… I want that, I do, but it just doesn’t… seem practical. And… I mean, if we did get back together, what about everything after that? Do you want to stay in Tupelo forever?”

“Not necessarily,” he responded flatly. “I love my job now but I don’t know if I’ll still want to be here in a few years… But do we need to be making those types of decisions now?”

“Well if we don’t, then what? We get back together and three years down the line we break up because we realize we’re still not on the same page? I don’t want to waste either of our time.”

Harry let out a defeated sigh, causing Ginny to look up again. The fire in his eyes was being stomped out by disappointment. “Gin, listen… all I know is that ever since I was sixteen all I’ve wanted is to be with you, whatever it took to make that happen. That hasn’t changed, not one bit, even nine years later. I know we can make it work. If it’s not what you want… I don’t want you to be with me if you aren’t fully in it. But I want to be in your life. I don’t know what that looks like for you right now, but however it does, I’ll be there. Even if that’s only as your brother’s best friend.” He offered a sad smile as he finished.

But you’re so much more than that , she wanted to say, but felt like that’d just be proving his point, and she still felt too confused and overwhelmed. Selfishly, she leaned in and kissed him, long enough to memorize the feeling for later but quickly enough to prevent any further persuasion from the magic of his mouth. She braced herself for her own heart’s self-destruction as she opened her eyes and said, “I think I should go home, now.”

Harry’s sadness lingered for a moment, before he channeled his expertise of shutting down, his features flickering to blankness. “If...if that’s what you want. Let me drive you home, at least?”

She wanted to say no, that she’d just order an Uber, but her mouth betrayed her. “Ok.”

He let go of her hand and stood up. “I’ll, er, just throw on some clothes real quick, then run and grab yours and leave you to get dressed.”

She nodded and watched him throw on a pair of jeans, an undershirt, a jumper, and socks rather haphazardly. She listened as his feet creaked across the hallway floors, and waited with bated breath as he made his way back moments later, handing her a pile of her clothes. She muttered a “thank you” and averted his eyes as she took them.

“Take your time,” he told her gently, and made his way back out.

The moment the door clicked closed, she clenched her eyes shut and pushed out all the tears she could, so none would escape for him to see when she would have to face him again. She wiped her face and felt the warmth leave her as she got up from his bed, her haven. She threw off his shirt and put on her clothes from the night before, but folded up his t-shirt and stuffed it in her purse. It was an unspoken agreement between them that she could take as many of his t-shirts as she liked; he bought extras just for her.

She looked in the mirror, quickly threw her hair back in a low ponytail, and inhaled deeply, as if the air entering her lungs would give her courage to move forward as she opened up his bedroom door and walked towards the entrance.

Harry had his sneakers on, her shoes lined up and her coat ready for her in his hands. She slipped on her shoes and against her better judgment she allowed him to slip her jacket on for her, arm by arm. She hated the electricity that crackled through their every touch. She did not want to leave, she hated herself for leaving, even.

As if he sensed her self-deprecation, he took hold of her hand after it slipped through the sleeve. “Gin, it’ll be okay.”

She didn’t believe him, of course, it was just his typical optimism in order to protect everyone he loved, Except it made Harry look out for everyone else’s comfort at his own expense.

He grabbed his keys and led them out of his flat. They got into his car quietly. Without taking the backroads, the ride was relatively short, only taking 3 songs on the classic rock station of his ancient car radio to make it back to her home, the Burrow.

He parked right outside, which was a mistake, as her mother was out in the front with their family dog, Pig. She was wise enough to just offer a wave and a smile and resume walking with him.

Harry turned to her and asked in a low rasp, “Can I see you again? Before you fly back? Will you still be at your family’s for New Year's?”

“Yeah, I will,” she told him. “I’ll...I’ll see you there.”

Harry nodded. He clicked the unlock button for the doors. “Just...just think about what I said, alright?”

Ginny swallowed, nodding back. “I will.”

He kissed her cheek, his lips burning against her cold skin, and as he pulled away he leaned over to open her door for her. She attempted a smile in thanks, hopped out of his truck, and closed the door gently behind her.

She didn’t look back as she walked through her lawn, as she heard him call out to her mother, “See you soon, Mrs. Weasley!,” as Pig barked merrily at him and Harry laughed out, “I’ll see you soon, too, Pig!” before driving away.

She was grateful that her mother didn’t pursue her as her legs worked their hardest to get her to the door, through the entrance, and up the flight of stairs to her room, into her own bed, waiting for a sense of safety or relief that never came.

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Twenty ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1650

Warnings: None

A/n Hi! Sorry, I know I’m a day late -- I have family in town so I’m soaking up all the time with them that I can. This one is short (and a lil fluffy/angsty), and this chapter and the next are kind of a rest before we hit the next act of this story! Sooo gear up! I’m excited!!! 

I shut the door behind Orophin and Lavandil.

Cosima flops onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. “That was awful.”

I make a noise of general agreement. I hadn’t expected my brothers to take the news happily, but I didn’t think Rumil would completely shut me out. I have no doubts that he will eventually come around, but his reaction is still distressing.

Cosima raises up on her forearms, looking at me in concern. “Are you okay?”

I nod, making my way towards her bed. “It may take some time, but I know my brothers. All will be well.”

She scoots from the middle to the far side of her bed and pats the space next to her. I accept the invitation, lying on my back at her side. Vaguely, I notice that her bed is much larger and comfier than mine. I turn to tease her about it, try and cheer us both up, but she’s fiddling with her fingers. I guess neither of us is feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

“What is it?”

She sighs, staring up at the ceiling rather than at me. I nudge her arm gently, trying to prompt an answer.

She bites her lip. “You’ve said that you can make your own choices, and I get that, but I’ve got to ask—are you sure? You don’t have to stay with me just because you said you wanted to. I know what you’re sacrificing, and you don’t have to—”

I cut her off, kissing her forcefully. She sucks in a breath and I use that to my advantage, drawing her deeper into the kiss. She recovers from her shock quickly though, and slides a hand up my chest in that way I adore and is slowly becoming familiar. I pull away but keep a firm hold on the side of her face. “Please push these thoughts from your mind. Whatever the future holds, I am in it with you. And a future without you? I don’t want it. It would be different, had I never met you, but the Valar blessed me. They brought an impossible woman into my life. And I have no intention of letting her go.”

The sadness in her eyes breaks, replaced with a look of tenderness that I work hard to memorize. I let the hand on the side of her face slide to rest on her hip.

She places a kiss on my jaw, taking her time to respond, aware that she has my complete attention. “If I had to wake up in a different world with no memories, I am immensely glad you were there. Being with you is worth all that I’ve left behind. Even if I did remember it, I would choose you.”

I exhale slowly, basking in her words. I’ve never been vulnerable with someone before — bearing my heart and hoping they don’t crush it — and every time I open my mouth to confess something to Cosima, there’s the fear that she will shut me down, that she won’t return my feelings. But her words just now, as well as her actions from the past few days, help allay my fears.

“It’s getting late,” she breathes, face mere inches from mine. “You could stay the night?”

My hand on her hip tenses. No, I remind myself. I should go back to my room. But the words that come out of my mouth are not what I told myself to say. “I would not be intruding?”

“No,” Cosima smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I would very much like it if you stayed.”

We are both adults. If she wants me to stay and I want me to stay, then there’s no reason to leave. “Then stay, I shall,” I murmur, dropping my lips to press against hers.

She kisses me languidly for a while before her lips shift into a grin. I pull back with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re the one who has to get up and blow out the candles,” she declares, her tone full of mirth. “That’s really the only reason I asked you to stay.”

I snort, but push myself off the bed, headed for the first candle I see. “I knew it couldn’t be because you love me. That’s too easy.”

“And pull the curtains,” she adds, lifting the duvet so she can crawl underneath it. I watch her slide her eyes shut, smile still spread over her face as she tries not to laugh.

Cosima and I have slept in each other’s company before, and we will do so again for the three weeks of our journey to Lothlórien. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is completely different. It will be the two of us alone, in a bedroom, when we have acknowledged our feelings for each other.

But despite the nerves and the gravity of the situation, it feels completely natural to spend the night with Cosima. I long for her presence during the day, and the night is no different.

And with precious little time together, shouldn’t I seize on every moment?

I blow out the candle nearest to me. It darkens the shadows in the room. I extinguish the remaining candles, close the curtains, and then return to the bed. Cosima has thrown the covers back on what I suppose is my side, making it easy for me to climb in next to her. After the slightest moment of hesitation, I do so. I reach for her, wrap my arms around her and cross them over her stomach, then pull her against my chest. It reminds me of a variation on what I did our very first day of training, an action that caused me no small amount of distress. But now it seems there is no limit to the ways I can hold her, and I plan to explore them all.

Cosima chuckles, evidently pleased with this development. “You remembered the human way.”

“I am capable of adapting,” I respond, dropping my face into her neck.

Her laugh turns into a sigh when I begin a trail of kisses there. “I have a question.”

I hum, continuing my pattern. “Yes, my love?”

She pauses to beam at the phrase. When she speaks, the smile is still in her voice. “Rumil asked if we had bonded yet, and then when you said no, he said there’s still ‘time’. What did he mean by that?”

My lips freeze against her neck. I sigh, shifting to lie on my side and pressing on her shoulder so she’ll turn to face me. I figured we would need to have this conversation at some point, but I hadn’t counted on now. And it’s not the potential for awkwardness that makes me wish I could keep my mouth shut — no, we could get past that — it’s the fear that, once she knows there’s still technically a step we have to take in order for my soul to perish once hers leaves me, that she will end this.

But it is not right to withhold information from her so, with another deep breath, I explain. “He was talking about the bonding of the fæs — in the literal sense. But I love you, I am committed to you, and nothing can change that, so Rumil’s whole notion of ‘time’ doesn’t really apply here.”

Her eyes narrow as she zeroes in on exactly what I’m careening around. “Say there’s some wiggle room.”

“There’s not.”

“But if there were,” she presses, obviously not interested in letting this go.

I sigh. “Traditionally, elves have used sex as a way to facilitate the spiritual bonding of the fæs. That’s what constitutes an elven wedding — that’s what represents and solidifies the commitment. Since we have not had sex, Rumil thinks our fæs are not bonded, so there is time to break the commitment between us without it affecting me.”

She sits up, opening her mouth to comment.

I hurry to sit up as well and cut off her words before she can take this idea and run with it. “But our situation is different. The whole concept of the fæs bonding is not a blanket statement that covers every relationship — there is a lot of choice involved, we are not without agency. And I have chosen.”

She smiles somewhat sadly, letting her fingers drum over my knee. “I wish I was an easier choice.”

I catch her hand in mine. “I quite like where my choices have led me.”

She leans against me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “I love you.” She shifts, lying down and tugging on my arm to pull me with her. “Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

I stretch out behind her, then twist the strands of her hair through my fingers. She’s silent, and I worry that, despite my efforts to reassure her, she’s still sad. I know she can’t help it, but I wish that we could leave all this struggle and moroseness behind. In my view, the future is set, my path is clear. Struggling over what that means will not halt the end, nor change it, so we shouldn’t waste time worrying over it. We should prepare how we can and then enjoy our lives together.

Cosima tucks her head into my neck and tangles one of her legs through mine. The action — so unexpected yet so natural — gives me hope that, soon, she and I can fall into a life together. Maybe Lothlórien is the key. Maybe once she can clearly see what our future looks like — a home, friendships, family, meals together at the end of a long day, exploring Lothlórien’s extensive forests and blue-green lakes, festivals, sunrises, all the wonderful things about my home, our home, she can allow herself to be happy.

And I will do everything I can to help her get there.

A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always so appreciated! Also, I think I made EVERYONE sad with that last chapter, I’m so sorry. But I LOVE that we all collectively love Rumil and want him to be happy forever, right? Soooo, c’mon, hit me with some happy Rumil headcannons <3

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[creatingnikki]

Start Up

This was the first k-drama where I legit thought that the 2nd male lead was actually the first male lead until half-way through the show. While I do really like Nam Do-San’s character, I think  Han Ji-Pyeong made me feel WAY more. Especially in terms of the romantic chemistry. 

In the beginning, I was so satisfied with the show. But then I think somewhere around the 12th or 13th episode I started to get bored and disappointed. I think that’s mainly because halmeoni suddenly became a side side character and even Ji-Pyeong didn’t have as much screen time. I also feel like there were some sub-plots that were highly unnecessary because they weren’t fleshed out well and felt disconnected like the friend’s brother who died and he wanted revenge, the whole Alex California 3 year time-jump thing. Like that really slowed down the show and made me go ???  The finale however redeemed the show for me!

There were solid side characters in this k-drama, something I generally appreciate about k-dramas as a whole. The character development was also solid and sweet. I think the one that most touched me was Seo/Won In-Jae’s character development. 

I found more depth in her character than even Seo Dal Mi’s. I loved how she changed her name and then visited her grandmother because she just couldn’t do that before it. I get it. I really do. I think we all take our time to do the things we should/want to and that’s completely okay.

Which brings me to the point that Seo Dal Mi, especially towards the second half, felt like a very basic character. I think she was perhaps the only one who didn’t have much development. I honestly didn’t even find her and Nam Do San’s romance to be great or swoon-worthy. 

The most touching connection for me in this kdrama was  Han Ji-Pyeong and halmeoni’s. Like OH MY GOD. Whether it was when he was a child or even as an adult, their scenes made me cry.

 It was the most wholesome, sincere relationship in the entire show! Whether it was her taking him in and thinking he would rob her money in the shop or him thinking that she gave away his investment profits to her son - and both of them being wrong. The scene at the bus station where she gives him a new pair of shoes and tells him only to contact him when he is upset/alone/ill. 

The fact that she calls him good boy. Ahhhhhh. EVERY bit of it. Like even in the finale when she goes to his house and breaks down when she recognises he is sad + lonely I couldn’t stop my tears!!!!! It’s like he can be his true self with halmeoni.

And can I just ramble on about Ji-Pyeong? Firstly his dimples. I can’t deal. 

Secondly his acting. Thirdly his dialogue and his character arc. The way he was so smart in investing and work. The way he could give real feedback and the way he could be honest with Nam Do-San at the end. Aso the fact that he asked him to stop feeling inferior - ahhhhh. Someone really needed to tell Do-San to feel confident and enough and the fact that Ji-Pyeong did that meanth EVERYTHING. Everything about Ji-Pyeong had my heart! His conversations with Yeong-Shila and his drunk moments. And everything in between. I am really heartbroken that he ended up alone. To be honest, by the end of it I really wanted him to end up with In-Jae. I think they as a couple would surprise all of us. 

I know this may be a controversial opinion but both In-Jae and Ji-Pyeong were such strong characters and I feel like they would have easily overpowered the actual first leads (individually and together) if some more attention was paid to them. Which is probably why it wasn’t? But I feel like had the writers of the show leaned more into these two characters. They were smart, mature, emotionally more complex and that’s probably one of my major disappointments with Start-Up. 

But anyhooo, I really appreciated that the last scene was Nam Do-San and Seo Dal-Mi walking to their investor meeting and not their wedding scene. Because yaaaas power couple! I also love how her being the CEO didn’t make Do-San feel inferior or have some sexist ego complex. 

Talking about other side characters I really appreciated Seo Dal Mi’s mom’s redemption. It warmed my heart. I loved how Nam DO San’s father at the end put up the Samsan Tech sign board in the living room and said that the next time he thinks his son is doing something he doesn’t approve of he will look at it 3 times and wait it out/support him? Jung Sa-Ha and Lee Chul-San’s romance appealed to me a lot more than the leads’ romance - no kidding. 

Some of my FAVOURITE scenes were between Nam Do-San and Ji-Pyeong. Like in one of the first few episodes when they are at that conference/party where Nam Do-San shows up as a hot-shot entrepreneur for Dal-Mi and then the two guys move aside to show that they are talking and know each other and Do-San is like what do we talk about? ANd Ji-Pyeong is like let’s just recite the national anthem! I DIED. And then at the end when he invests in Cheonymyeong and they shake hands, how initially Ji-Pyeong only shakes with his two fingers. They both individually and together were beautiful. 

Also can I just say how cool I found the founder and CEO of sandbox just struck me as the COOLEST woman? She’s the kind of person I’d want as my mentor and friend if I was starting a business. And Dal Mi-s father’s backstory is just so very s ad with him finally getting an investment but also like dying the very same day. Sandbox really feels in some way his legacy? 

And I also low-key found the relation between Ji-Pyeong and park Dong-Chun endearing. Like ho Dong-Chun aways recommends all these lovely start ups that aren’t really profitable but he just cannot resist it! And how Ji-Pyeong finally personally invests in the start up for kids who leave orphanages at 18 in the end :’) I was waiting for him to finally personally invest in something like this because he’s rich and he can and I loved it. More than the investing, his meeting with the CEO of that start up was funny and how he wasn’t harsh towards him and how also said he wants a few kids that he can mentor! My heart!

Nam Do-San. I love how he had SO many insecurities because I have always associated that with the female leads whether in kdramas or just generally in the world of fiction. And the fact that he didn’t have any toxic or abusive outlets for his issues is what made me adore him. The friendship between him and his two developer friends was also very heartwarming.

I did really like the business and entrepreneurship aspect of the show like how thye tried to include concepts like the J curve and why you should be a majority shareholder in your own business and what investors look for and stuff. Ofc I would have LOVED it to be more heavy on that aspect but I get that for the general viewership that probably wouldn’t have worked. 

One of the most striking things about Start Up was the relationship between the two sisters. I can’t tell you how much I was digging the fact that neither of them, especially Won In-Jae (at the time) tried to backstab or fuck things up for the other. Even though they had been away for a decade and clearly had made opposite choices in picking their parents and hence a lot of their life, they didn’t once sabotage the other. In fact, they were always concerned about the other when it really came down to it. And them reuniting and working together was a highlight for me. 

This is one of the few kdramas that got the finale done so beautifully. But since Ji-Pyeong’s 2020 life wasn’t really shown to us this is how I’m narrating it in my head. He and In-Jae get together and are this smart power-couple who can open up with each other and be soft and adorable. He also has formed meaningful connections with two kids who left the orphanage and their connection is as wholesome as his and halmeoni's. He and In-Jae live  together in his apartment facing Han River and keep cutely arguing over start up ideas and companies to invest in. Now any time he looks at Seo Dal Mi and Do San he feels friendly affection and this sort of protective vibe. He found some super eye specialist and got halmeoni's eye sight fixed. Her corn dog shop became a huge franchise cos plot twist In Jae and Dal Mi's mother is actually v strategic in business growth.

[survenante]

A List of Confirmed and Probable Reasons Why Ian Loves Mickey

Prior to season ten, we didn’t really get to see Ian make big declarations of love for Mickey. Ian had heart eyes for him right from the beginning, but teenage infatuations don’t last forever, and Ian is a man now.

Add to that how superficially the show depicted the resolution of Ian’s internal struggle with marrying Mickey, and it’s been easy to forget that the connection between these two is founded on so much more than force of habit.

Here are the reasons why MICKEY IS IT FOR IAN…

1-      Ian likes how Mickey smells, and the sex is “fucking fantastic” (duh!)

2-      Mickey is definitely not an ugly motherfucker: his impeccable hair, his soulful eyes, his full lips, his toned arms, his round ass… Even with the occasional bruises, he’s not far from being a good old Trophy Husband

3-      Mickey’s had “that look in his eye” for years, and it never went away despite having had his heart broken by Ian a few times along the way. Depending on the situation, the lookTM will include: love, tenderness, concern, lust, awe and pride

4-      Mickey is selfless and fiercely loyal when it comes to Ian (Sorry I’m late [5x8]). When he heard he was about to be incarcerated, Mickey threw away the new life he’d made for himself in Mexico and came back to face the rest of his sentence by his side

5-      Mickey’s a rough motherfucker, and you don’t want to mess with him (Oh, look at that… We must shop at the same gun show. [10x11]). That’s appealing to Ian who, like all Gallaghers, is not averse to chaos and danger. Mickey has no qualms fighting dirty to stay on top, and he can easily drop a guy bigger than him with one punch, a great asset to have in any South Sider’s toolkit. Sure, Mickey’s got quite a temper, but Ian knows how to read and manage him by now (You gonna make me hit you again? [10x12])

6-      Mickey is indeed South Side, through and through: he’s tough, gritty and resourceful. Despite Ian’s past forays into more cultivated social circles, there’s no doubt he intends to settle down in the neighbourhood, so it’s good that Mickey doesn’t bat an eye at the messiness of life there. Also, Mickey fits right in in the Gallagher household (his home life was so much more fucked up than Ian’s, so apart from the water pressure, Mickey’s got no complaint…). Bonus point: Mickey gets along okay with Ian’s brothers and sisters and has banded with them in the past when Ian’s health required it

7-      Mickey shows up – really shows up – whenever Ian needs to be comforted or appeased. He’s been there for Ian ever since Monica made a reappearance in his life in season one

8-      Mickey is protective (Even if you're propositioned, it's probably just a setup. Guys want to find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way [3x6]). That being said, he appreciates that Ian’s a tough guy who doesn’t need a motherfucking defender, mental health aside

9-      Speaking of which, Mickey repeatedly protected Ian against himself in season five, and that required a lot of strength, quick-thinking and flexibility on his part. If anyone can deal with future bouts of paranoia and mania, it’s Mickey

10-   Because Mickey really gets the Bipolar diagnostic (he did after all have a front-row seat when it all started, and he’s been to the clinic with Ian, so he knows what it means long-term) and is prepared to deal, because he wants to be with Ian

11-    Mickey is a romantic at heart and has a way with words, sometimes (Ian, what you and I have makes me free not what these assholes know [4x11])

12-   More often than not though, Mickey is inappropriate, sarcastic (Must really clear your mind watching a sunrise after a long night of gargling old man balls [4x11]) and just really entertaining. You never know what’s going to come out of his filthy mouth (and though half the time Ian probably wants to hide his face after Mickey drops his bombs on unsuspecting people, it sure is not boring…)

13-   Mickey came out for him, in a spectacular way

14-   On a related note, Mickey’s now out and proud (Guess what we've been doing, daddy! [4x11]; -So you're h-homosexuals? -No, well, he is. I just like having another man's dick in my ass [10x11]). He has zero issue telling anyone how he feels about Ian (-You must really love cock. -I definitely love one [10x11])

15-   Mickey is an uncomplicated person who has no appetite for bullshit (-Yeah, you got beer? -I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat. -How about beer? [4x8]). Also, he is an open book and often quite vocal about what he wants (You want to chitchat more, or you want to get on me? [2x2]). Chiavari chairs aside, it doesn’t take much for Mickey to be happy (Motherfucker needs to be able to rock Livin' on a Prayer, acoustic, hard [10x11])

16-   Mickey really gets Ian and pays attention when he opens up (He isn't afraid to kiss me [3x5]; When you get over this whole "I'm not worthy of love" bullshit, why don't you give me a call? [10x9])

17-   Ian and Mickey have known each other since they were kids, but even after all these years Mickey still manages to surprise him (We're having a wedding wedding? [10x11])

18-   They like some of the same shit, including 90s’ action movies, manhandling each other, and Pat Benatar

19-   Mickey takes care of Ian: he feeds and hydrates the hell out of Ian (About time, man. Your Panda Express is getting cold [10x7]), buys him vitamins, holds doors open for him, etc.

20-   Mickey comes from an abusive household, but he was able to grow into a man who can be caring and tender when it matters. Speaking of which, Mickey gives the best goddamn hugs in probably all of Chicago

21-   Ian wants a family of his own and, for many of the reasons listed above, Mickey is great father material (he already has the dad dance moves, as seen during the wedding!). Even if Mickey says he doesn’t want kids, Ian’s got him wrapped around his finger, so he’ll have him change his mind in no time

Okay, am I forgetting anything??

[valentines-in-london]

I Need Fire (Part 21)

Authors Note:  Alright I’m back!  I feel like it’s been an age since I talked to any of you!  I hope you’re all doing well and that you like this chapter.  We’ve got some BIG events coming up in the next few chapters so I’m excited to hear your feedback<3

Word Count: 3,486

Warnings:  In this chapter none really, talk about drugs

Taglist:   @freddiessmallnipples @triplehaitches @samanthadegaro @lauravic @oh-well1 @la-sorciere-fleur @anxious-diabetic @xdeath-soulx @fanofnightz @songbirdkisses​ If you’d like to be added please let me know!

 Previous Chapter  //  Master List  //  Next Chapter

Chapter 21

Rayne took her keys to the office out of her purse and inserted them into the lock of Poison Ivy.  It was just before 8AM so needless to say she was shocked to hear opera music coming from Stanley’s work office.  Rayne dropped her bags on her desk and made her way back to where the music came from.  She leaned against the door frame watching as he stood in front of a mannequin with a beautiful suede and leather suit.  She gently knocked on the wooden frame, “Knock knock boss man.”

Turning toward her voice Stanley turned and gasped, “The bronzed goddess returns.  Bella, you look stunning.”

“Thank you.  That Italian blood in me makes it easy to tan.”  Rayne chuckled holding her arms out at her side.  “Why are you here so early?”

“The show is coming up, this is the last piece.  I wanted to get this finished so we can have fittings with our girls.  This is the most time I’ve ever had to make final adjustments leading up to a show.  Granted the last shows I did I was hopped up on coke and ludes and all sorts of non-sense. But that was in my youth.”

“Is it wrong that I think it would be fun to meet that Stanley?” Rayne smiled crossing her arms over her chest, causing her engagement ring to catch in the morning sun.

“I mean you are used to rock stars and I could have put them to shame.”  Stanley winked before his eyes to shot down to the sparkling ring on her slim fingers.  “Oh my god, is this what I think it is Bella?”

Rayne nodded her head, “It is, Tommy proposed to me over the holiday break, and I said yes.”

“Congratulations my darling.”  Stanley hugged Rayne rocking her back and forth.  “You do realize what this means right?”

“What does it mean?”

“I have a wedding dress to design.”  Stanley smiled wide.

“What?  No!  Stanley I can’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking me.  I’m offering.  And you will be the most radiant bride there ever was.  I’ll make sure of that.”  Stanley said with such love.  He felt like a father figure to Rayne and she couldn’t quite put into words how much she valued that aspect of her and Stanley’s relationship.

“I don’t know what to say Stanley.”  Rayne shrugged her shoulders.  “Thank you so much.  Now let’s stop being sappy, we have a busy day ahead of us.”

“You know bella, you are going to have to get used to being the center of attention.  Every bride deserves all eyes on her, and so does the lead model in my show.” Stanley called Rayne on her insecurities immediately and she knew he was right.  But she’d cross that bridge when the time came, right now she had work to do.

After an eventful day at work filled with fittings and meetings Rayne headed home, but there was one place she had to stop off at before she got there.  Rayne walked up the stone stairs and gently knocked on the door. A very disheveled looking Vince answered the door.

"Hey Vinny."  Rayne smiled going in for a hug.  Reluctantly Vince hugged her back.

"What are you doing here?"  Vince asked softly.

"I haven't been over since everything happened, and the holidays were so crazy I didn't want more time to go by."  Rayne said still embracing him.  "Is this a bad time?"

"No not at all.  We just haven't had many visitors lately.  Come in."

"I'm sorry, I should've come by sooner." She said somberly entering Vince and Jo’s home.  She did truly feel bad that with the chaos of the holiday season that she hadn't been over to see Vince or Jo.  She hoped they knew that she was not avoiding them.

"You don't have to apologize Legs."  Vince patted her on the shoulder as they walked into the living room where Jo laid curled up on a plush white couch watching tv.

"Ray??"  She shot up from the cushions rushing over to her best friend hugging her tightly.  "Oh I missed you!"

"I'm sorry I haven't come by and I'm sorry to just drop in.  But I wanted to see you guys." The three sat down in the living room.  Rayne slipped her heels off and pulled her legs up underneath her. "This might be a stupid question but how are you guys doing?"

Vince looked like an absolute wreck, so if she was judging the book by its cover she would say he was doing the worst.  But she also knew that Jo was good at hiding her struggles. Rayne watched as Jo placed a hand on Vince's thigh. "I think we're hanging in there right?"

"All things considered yeah we're hanging in."  Vince nodded his head.  "I'm glad I have you here with me babe, otherwise I don't know that I would be."

Rayne smiled at the tender moment between the couple.  She usually did not see that side of Vince and Jo's relationship.  "Nowhere else I'd rather be baby."

"So, you're obviously without a certain drummer."  Vince said not to subtly.

"Yeah.  I tried to get him to come with me.  I just, I don't think he knows what to say.  He thinks Vince doesn't need to be babied and that's what he thinks he'll be doing if he came to check on you.  We actually got into a bit of an argument about it."  Rayne shrugged her shoulders. She watched as Vince hung his head nodding slightly. "Have you heard from any of the guys?"

"Not a word.  The only reason I know I still have a band is through phone calls with Doc."  Vince spat out. She could feel how much that stung him.  Motley Crue had always been a gang of brothers until things got tough for Vince and now that mentality seemed to be gone.

Rayne was about to respond but the phone rang stopping her from speaking.  Vince stood up, "Speak of the devil, that should be Doc."

Vince left the room and Rayne turned to Jo.  "Are you sure you're okay?"

Jo nodded, "it's tough. But it's tougher on Vinny than it is on me. I hurt for him because I know he's hurting."

Rayne immediately understood what Jo meant, she had been there herself many times, damn empathy!

"I think what bothers him most isn't the stuff the media says, or what MTV says, or the court ordered things he has to do.  It's that no one in the band have said a word to him. He's completely alone apart from me."  Jo continued.

"I'm sorry Jo.  I really tried to get Tommy here but he's being stubborn."  Rayne sighed.

"Do you think he's pissed about the miscarriage?"  Jo questioned.

"I don't think so, I mean he's not pissed at me for it. Why would he be pissed at Vince?"  Rayne ran her fingers through her curls.

Jo sighed, shaking her hair.  "I don't know. At least tomorrow he goes back into the studio. Maybe that'll help mend things."

"I'm here for anything you guys ever need.  You know that right Jo?"  Rayne watched as her best friend silently shook her head before taking a deep breath composing herself.

"I know Ray.  And I appreciate that more than you know."  Jo smiled hugging her friend.  "How are things with you and Tommy?  You said you got into an argument?  Didn't you just get back from Cabo?"

"Yeah we did.  I don't wanna get into it, you've got enough going on without having to listen to my bullshit."  Rayne brushed Jo's questions off.

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't want to hear."  Jo smiled.

"Well it kinda all started the night we got there.  I found some stuff in Tommy's bag…"

"Tommy I found some stuff in your bag that I want to talk to you about."  Rayne pulled her legs up toward her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees.

"What's up babe?" Tommy asked sitting down on the lounge chair next to Rayne.

"Tommy last night after you fell asleep I wanted to clean myself up and wash my face.  I was looking around what I thought was my bag for my skin care. I didn't want to wake you up so I didn't turn any lights on.  When I got to the bathroom and turned the lights on I noticed I didn't grab stuff from my bag it was your bag."  Rayne knew she was rambling but she didn't care, there was no easy way to bring up what she had to talk to him about.  "Tommy it was a bottle of white powder and two bottles of nondescript pills. Now apparently I'm naive but not so naive that I don't know what that powder is."  

Tommy stayed silent.

"So after beating myself up for my stupidity since then I figured I'm done beating myself up but I will talk to you about it.  Do you know how much trouble you could've gotten us in if you had been caught with that shit at the airport?"

"Well we didn't get caught did we?"  Tommy said a bit annoyed.

"That's not even the point Tommy. How dependent are you on this shit that you're bringing it on vacation with us?  We were supposed to use this time to relax before things start ramping up again."

"I am relaxing."  Tommy deflected the question.

"How can you relax when you're hopped up on coke Tommy?"  Rayne was starting to get upset.  "I knew you did it when you were with the band, I didn't think you had to do it when you were home with me."

"You knew that I did coke when you met me.  I don't know why you're flipping out."

"Tommy I knew you did coke, but if you're bringing drugs on vacation with us that tells me it's more than recreational use.  Then when I see two bottles of unlabeled pills excuse me if I don't have questions."  Rayne took her sunglasses off to look at him.  "Tommy why are you doing these things when you're with me? Why do you need to self medicate yourself when you're with me?"

"You told me when we first met that you weren't my mother and wouldn't ask me to change."  Tommy defended himself.

Rayne sighed exasperated before replying.  "Tommy I am not your mother. But I think as someone who is planning on being your wife I have the right to be concerned about what you're putting in your body.  Do you know how fucking dangerous it is to do a drug like coke and I assume the pills are downers to bring you down after your high?  You could kill yourself doing that Tommy do you get that?"

"I'm not going to kill myself."  Tommy shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Tommy you're putting drugs into your body, you never know how you're going to react to them!"  Rayne said frantically.  "I don't want to get a phone call one night when you're on the road saying you're coming home in a body bag."

"That's not going to happen."  Was his simple response.  He was driving Rayne crazy, he wasn't listening at all.

"Look Tommy.  I'm doing the one thing that has been the hardest for me to do since you've known me which is communicate.  I'd appreciate it if you would at least listen to my concerns. I could've just sat on this and blown up on you."

"Oh so you're not blowing up on me now?"

"Tommy I am an Italian woman from New Jersey, I may have lived in California for years but that is something you never lose.  If I was blowing up on you, it would be much worse than this."  Rayne threatened only to hear Tommy mumble something under his breath.  "Excuse me? Did you have something to say?"

"Well I can't win so it's pointless."

"Did I say you couldn't win?  I'm having this conversation because I want to hear what you have to say."  Rayne leaned toward him in her lounge chair.

"There's no point in talking about it. I can't stop so there's no point."

"What do you mean you can't stop?"  Rayne asked him.

"I can't stop. I've tried and when I do I get sick."  Tommy sighed pushing his dark locks off of his face.  Rayne thought to the few times she had been with Tommy where he was indeed under the weather, he claimed it was a stomach bug.  "I try to not do it when I'm with you but when we're together for long periods of time I can't not do it. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with me."

Rayne gently placed her hand on Tommy's knee giving him a light squeeze.  She knew she had to tread lightly. "Tommy you know you can get help if you want it."

"There's no point."  Tommy shook his head.  "The record company practically forces krell up our noses.  I do not have the capability to say no."

"I think you can do anything you set your mind to.  And I think you can say no… even if you never say it to me."  Rayne cracked a little joke which resulted in a smile from Tommy.  "Babe I'm just looking out for you, I want to spend my life with you and I think that shit will drastically decrease that time."

"Well I'll definitely go before you anyway."

"Why do you say that?"  Rayne asked tilting her head slightly.

"Because I don't want to be on this planet without you by my side, so I have to go first."  Tommy flashed a lopsided grin.  "So where do we go from here?"

"I think I've made it clear I think you should really ease off using.  But I also think I can't make you do anything you have to do it for yourself."  Rayne comfortingly replied.

Tommy sat with his head hanging low before he looked up and met Rayne's eyes.  "I'll get help. I don't want to be like this. I see what drugs are doing to Nikki."

"If that's truly what you want to do I'll be with you every step of the way."  Rayne leaned forward kissing his cheek.

"You want to start by flushing everything I brought with me?"  Tommy asked almost shyly.  Rayne nodded her head and the two walked hand in hand back to their suite.

"Wow, so he's clean?"  Jo asked Rayne.

"He's working on it.  He can't go into a rehab because the band is just about to start recording so he's in this outpatient type thing.  He's been pretty sick so home is my next stop. I made him some chicken noodle broth last night."  Rayne gave a brief flash of a smile.

"You think it'll stay that way?"

"I know coming off drugs isn't easy. I don't expect him to be perfect but we agreed he wouldn't hide anything from me if he did slip up. That’s what I would have a problem with above all."  Rayne shrugged.  "But I think temptation is going to be all around him all the fucking time. I don't think it'll be easy."

"And we thought dating rockstars would be glamorous."  Jo smiled giving Rayne a gentle shove.

"Correction, you may have thought that.  I never wanted to date a rock star."  Rayne laughed at how Tommy just sort of fell into her lap.  

"Well it's a two way street Ray, I'm here for anything if you need me."

"Thanks babe. I appreciate that. I should probably get going and head home.”  Rayne leaned forward to wrap her best friend up in a hug.  She looked at the video that was playing on the TV and was shocked to see the guy she had met in the bar with Doc the night she went to see Journey.  He was singing in a video and he wore lavender leather pants.  Rayne wanted to say she had met him to Jo, but figured that would result in her telling the whole story and right now she wanted to go home to her man.

"Alright I'll see you later.  When is your show by the way?"  Jo stood up walking Rayne to the door.

"A few weeks, why?"

"Well because I want to be there to support you, silly." Jo rolled her eyes playfully.  "You're looking great by the way but stop losing weight!"

"I'm not losing weight I've just been taking my classes more seriously. I'm losing fat and putting on muscle apparently.  Whatever the hell that means."  Rayne shook her head. "Trust me I'm still eating plenty, I had so many tacos while we were in Mexico."

"I'll see you later babe."

"Tell Vince I said bye."  Rayne called out over her shoulder to Jo before hopping in her car and heading home.

Not too long after Rayne opened the front door to her home placing her keys on the ring by the front of the door.  She took a deep breath and could smell some delicious cooking emanating from the kitchen. "Tommy?"

"In here babe."  She heard his voice and made her way toward the kitchen.  When she walked in she leaned against the island in the middle of the room.  "I was hoping everything would be done by the time you get home but it's almost there."

"What are you making?"  Rayne asked walking toward him giving him a light kiss on the cheek.  He definitely seemed a lot better today, not too sick.

"My world famous gyros."  Tommy smiled wide gesturing toward a bunch of various toppings that were lined up on the counter.  “What do you know about Greek food.”

"World famous huh?  How come I've never had them before?"  Rayne teased looking out at all the delicious food.

"Cooking has been taking my mind off other things."  Tommy spoke honestly.  "And I wanted to treat my girl to a good dinner."

"First Jo tells me to plump up and now you are trying too."  She winked.  "But I can't wait it looks delicious."

A timer dinged and Tommy moved to the oven and pulled out some delicious looking meat.  "You're going to have to show me how to put one of these together. I've never had one before."

"You've never had a gyro before?  Oh baby wait to have your mind blown."  Tommy smiled as he began cutting the meat.

He wasn't lying either, Rayne couldn't believe she had never eaten a gyro before it was absolutely delicious.  Who would've thought the crazy rock n roll drummer was also a stellar cook.  

The two of them cleaned up and ended their night curled up under the covers of their bed with the fireplace roaring in their room.  Rayne traced mindless patterns across Tommy's chest.  "Are you excited to get back into the studio tomorrow?"

"I'm nervous as fuck."  Tommy honestly responded.

"Just take everything as it comes, don't get in your head and start beating yourself up."  Rayne said softly.

"I haven't even talked to any of the guys since we got off tour."  Tommy sighed.

"Well I told you to come see Vince with me but no, you didn't want to."  She playfully mocked.

"I know, I'm an ass.  How was Vinny?"

"He's been better Tommy."  Rayne replied honestly.  "So cut him some slack tomorrow okay?  I think he would have really liked to see you today."

She felt Tommy nod his head and it made Rayne smile.  She knew it wouldn't be easy but maybe Tommy and Vince could lean on each other.  But Rayne also knew that was easier said than done. Stretching her body and letting out a yawn she let her eyes flutter closed and drifted off to sleep.

Tommy however remained awake, his arm wrapped around Rayne gently caressing her back.  Since they had flushed everything in Mexico things had been fairly easy. But he knew the studio would be an entirely different animal.  He was one half of the terror twins and he knew Nikki wasn't slowing down on anything anytime soon. It was fucked up, Tommy used drugs to keep him going to be able to experience life to the fullest.  Nikki used to get him out of some dark fucking place, but Tommy wasn't so sure he didn't like it there.

Tommy silently vowed to himself that he would be strong and he wouldn't let Rayne down.  The woman in his arms was like a saving grace and the only thing that mattered to him. And he would not do anything to screw that up… but the little devil on his shoulder kept telling him he was going to do just that.

--

There you have it, can you believe we’re at Chapter 21 already???  I really enjoyed bringing Vince and Jo back in and giving a peak into what they’ve been going through.  The Motley guys will be back in the next chapter and so will some drama.  Please let me know what you all think, your comments and feedback really fuel my writing and keep me inspired!  Have a great week everyone!

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 2x16 Chapter Thirty-Eight

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) All the Villanuevas are staying at the Marbella for free and making the most of it. Pablo is also staying there with Alba? How do you go from “he’s cursed” to “move in with me and my family to this hotel while my house gets repaired”? Man, Alba was really thirsty, am I right?

2) Rogelio is planning Jane’s wedding and he wants to invite the President of Mexico, Charo, and Oprah. Sounds like the event of the year, if you ask me.

3) Hm. Michael was interrogating Rafael’s brother and Rafael burst into the room pissed at the fact that his brother was being interrogated without a lawyer. I’m not buying it. I think Rafael and Michael are probably in cahoots and trying to get Rafael’s brother to trust him by creating scenarios in which Rafael stands up for him. Or Rafael is an idiot. It’s a toss-up, really.

4) Michael and Jane are looking for a new house and Jane is torn between what Michael and herself want as a couple and what’s best – and fair – for Mateo and his relationship with his dad. Rafael offered to chip in with the difference so that she can get the place she wants in Miami, and I honestly can’t see why this would be a problem? I certainly don’t know the laws in Miami, but in my country parents are supposed to pay for rent as part of child support, so it would be kind of like that? But I can imagine Michael won’t have any of Rafael’s “charity”. What do I get if he uses that word when he argues with Jane?

5) Petra is going through a rough patch because unlike Jane she doesn’t have a whole support system to help her navigate the first few months of motherhood. Both Jane and Rafael notice she’s kind of down, and Petra ends up asking Jane to take her out, which I’m here for.

6) Kudos to Michael. He didn’t use the word charity, but as expected, he wasn’t on board with the idea of Rafael giving them money to buy the house.

7) Hmmm. Jane convinces Rafael to accept her moving 40 minutes away just for a year to see if they can work it out. She actually uses Rafael’s argument that they need to make compromises against him, and this doesn’t seem like a compromise? It seems like she’s getting everything she wants and kind of screwing her baby daddy over? Look, Rafael is hardly my favorite, but he does seem to be a good dad so far, he’s very invested in all of his children, and I don’t think this scenario is fair to him.

8) Ah, okay, Alba hasn’t slept with Pablo. YET. She’s a tease, though. You go, girl!

9) OH MY GOD ARE THEY SEVENTEEN? GETTING MARRIED SO THAT THEY CAN GET LAID?! WTF!

I know she hasn’t had a good laid in years, but chill, lady! Have a taste first!

10) I don’t think this is what Petra meant when she asked Jane to take her out…

11) Okay…

12) Yep, Petra seems to be suffering from postpartum depression. That should be interesting, if it’s not only one-episode thing. It’s not a storyline that’s usually explored in TV shows, so I hope they handle it well.

13) Clearly, Rafael is not comfortable with Jane moving away with Mateo…

But then Petra intercedes and scolds him because he was “preventing Jane from having his dream house”? And while I do appreciate the fact that Petra and Jane have mended fences and Petra did not take the chance to drive a wedge between Jane and Rafael and actually took a stand for Jane instead…

Rafael still has rights? He’s the father? He has every right to be concerned he won’t be able to spend as much time with his son as he deserves? Why should he be the only one compromising and giving away time with his kid so that Jane can get her “dream house” with her new husband? I don’t like this, and I don’t like the show presenting this as the Good Resolution of the problem. Nope. Not one bit.

14) Rogelio’s character is having tea with Marie Antoinette and seriously, I want to see this TV show...

 ...but I’m also wondering, is this Jane the Virgin mocking Outlander, because if so,…

15) Oh, Rogelio. He always means well but ends up putting his foot in his mouth. He was so eager to get all of his three million friends in the wedding that he actually said: “Why not? I am paying for it.” And that was the last straw. Jane is not having it and she is right. It is her and Michael’s wedding so it should be any way they see it fit, and Rogelio has to accept it. Knowing Rogelio, he’ll apologize and understand why it was wrong of him to try to turn their wedding into his own private party.

16) Mateo is almost walking and Jane FINALLY realized they can’t move there because Mateo NEEDS to be close to his father. FINALLY. Thankfully, Michael understood, too.

17) Petra made an appointment with a therapist to treat her post-partum depression (GOOD!) but now she needs to ask her mother if she suffered from it, too.

18) Ha! I KNEW IT!

The narrator sets this up as “Michael is spying on Rafael” but I KNOW they’re in cahoots. THEY’RE IN CAHOOTS, I TELL YA! (I just love the word cahoots, alright?)

19) Well, Xiomara did bring up a good point. Rogelio missed most of Jane’s milestones, that’s why he’s probably going over the top with this one. Jane is now considering pleasing her dad and letting him have a big party.

20) So, not only is Pablo cursed but he’s also a two-timing asshole…

I knew I couldn’t trust that mustache.

21) You do not want to mess with Alba.

But now I’m like, what was the point of this whole storyline? Huh? Introducing a character as Alba’s great first love and the curse and blah blah blah? And now he’s just gone after two episodes? They really don’t know what to do with Alba as a character.

22) This honestly made me laugh…

PETRA: The doctor asked for my family history, so I was wondering if, um, well, after you had me, did you ever feel depressed? MAGDA: Depressed? I had baby girl. In Czechoslovakia. In 1985. Of course I was depressed. You were depressed. The neighbor who delivered you was depressed. We were all depressed.

23) I just can’t get over the fact that ROGELIO IS THE BEST? EVER? He comes off as shallow and ditzy but he’s also a keen observer and he always puts his loved ones first? And him and Xiomara? Now, that’s an example of a healthy relationship. I kind of don’t care about Jane’s love life, to be honest, I’m not into it at all (probably because I don’t relate to Jane as a character? Idk.) and I don’t necessarily ship Rogelio and Xiomara, but I just find them so wholesome and mature? Yes, they do on occasion act childish, but they always, always find a way to have an adult conversation about their feelings and desires. Anyway, I’m ranting. Rogelio wants to throw the perfect wedding party for Jane, but he understands he may not know what Jane likes considering he’s still getting to know her. So, even though he’d set out to ignore Xiomara hoping she’d miss him and ask him to get back together, he approaches her, comes clean about his previous intentions, admits that he understands they’re done, but argues that they’re still family and they’ll always be, so he asks her to help him plan the wedding, and she agrees with a smile on her face, and it’s just so healthy and wholesome and lovely.

24) I. WAS. RIGHT. Rafael and Michael are IN CAHOOTS! And they also had a very mature conversation about the whole new house thing. Jane and Michael finally found their dream house nearby and thought it was too cheap. Therefore, they assumed Rafael had paid the difference. While this eventually was not true, it did lead to Michael choosing to compromise as well, which is a great development.

25) This was cool…

Rogelio recreated Jane’s house at the studio so that she can get married where she had always wanted to get married – her house. What’s cool about it is that they’ve clearly used the show’s real sets for this. It feels meta, doesn’t it?

26) Oh. Petra bought the house for them. Nice. I hope.

27) It feels like the end of an era.

28) Petra can’t be leaving her daughters, can she?!

Is... this... what they were planning to do with the postpartum storyline? Huh?

29) It was an alright episode but I still don’t feel this magic “I’m in love with this show” feeling and the season arcs and plots are a bit messy, in my opinion. Is this normal? When did you guys fall in love with the show? I feel like I should have already, but I’m just not feeling it…

30) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[stardust-and-blades]

Lost Future AU

Hi welcome to part 4. Should i link the others? Yes.  MORE ANGST WHOOP (Hot tip: listen to “carry on my wayward son” by Facing West and imagine Keith turning his back on Lance for the afterlife yes i too am crying)

part 1 part 2 part 3

(EDIT): I fixed the font finally bc tumblr was being a bITCH --------------------------

“Hey Hunk, can I talk to you about something?” Keith asked.

Hunk’s head popped up from his shake, cocking his head to the side. “Of course. What’s up, bud?”

Keith looked down at his untouched drink, his hand tightening around the plastic. The diner they sat at was loud, rush hour for the corner food restaurant finally hitting at the stroke of 5. Keith ran into Hunk on his way from work, the other inviting them to dinner since Lance would not be home until later and knowing full well he hasn’t seen the boy in quite awhile. Hunk is usually with Pidge or Lance, and when Keith and him are able to hang out they jump at the chance. Before they got to know each other, Keith was reluctant in getting to know Pidge’s engineer partner, resistant towards any form of human bonding. But after several encounters with him and Lance, as well as dating his best friend, they warmed up to each other in dual time. They weren’t as close as Shiro and Keith, but they weren’t strangers either. And Keith found it nice to be around Hunk, who had a permanent aura of welcoming. 

Which is what led him to agree to grab a shake with him. There was something that kept nagging at him for the past week, unable to talk to Lance about it because of the sensitive subject. Because, not too long ago Lance lost his grandmother, and Keith did not want to rip open the healing wound. Lance was barely getting back on his feet, Keith didn’t want to be the one to push him down again.

But he couldn’t keep it to himself. He had to tell someone. While logically he could confine in Shiro, Keith has been on the fence about it. But with Hunk, it was different. He couldn’t put a finger on it, but with Hunk he felt his request would be met with a calm demeanor than an overly concerned one (aka Shiro).

He just wanted a friend to confide in. Hunk is a pretty good option.

Without lifting his eyes, he twirled the straw in his chocolate shake around, mixing the whipped cream and losing the cherry that sat elegantly on top.

“If I ever suddenly die, will you make sure Lance is okay?”

Hunk, believing Keith had a less grim question, choked on his shake, the substance almost exiting out of his nose. 

He looked at Keith incredulously. “What the--Keith, you’re not going to die. You’re 22!”

Keith’s jaw clenched, squeezing the cup further. “Yeah, I know.”

“If this is about Lance’s grandmother, Lance saw it coming. She was 86 years old, and while he is hurting he knew she was going to pass eventually. But this--”

“I’m young, I see that, Hunk.” Keith stated, his voice flat. “But my parents were in their late twenties when they died. Not all people live until a ripe old age.”

“Yeah, not all. But the odds are very different from the elderly.” Hunk’s brows furrowed. “You still have, what, 60 years on your side? I don’t see why you’re worrying about death now. Unless...” Hunk gasped, grabbing Keith’s wrist and pulling him close enough Keith can see his own reflection in his brown irises. “Oh no, Keith do you have a deadly disease? Cancer? Did you tell Shiro? Why haven’t you told Lance?”

Hunk ceased his babbling when Keith shook his head. “No, no my health is fine. There is no disease or cancer in my family besides insomnia.”

“Oh.” Hunk said, releasing Keith. He still stared at Keith, perplexed. “Then why are you telling me this?”

“Because while I want to believe I’ll live a long life, that isn’t always insured.” He reached inside his hoodie’s front pockets, extracting a thick envelope. “After seeing Lance deal with his grandmother’s death, I began thinking. What if something happened to me? What if I didn’t die of old age, but something else? What would I leave behind?”

Hunk gazed at him with sympathy, seeing his point but not wanting to put it out in the universe. When Keith pushed the envelope towards him, he didn’t take it. “I...see where the anxiety is coming from. But I don’t think it is necessary. Keith, I think you will live a long life. It’s not like we are in a middle of a war.” Hunk attempted to emphasize a joke, but it fell flat at the end. Keith gave him a small smile, not angry Hunk wanted to place faith in a positive future. And who was to say Keith is right? He has been wrong before, and for once he hopes Hunk’s resistance towards his epiphany meant his worries were for nothing.

But he can’t leave a stone unturned. So he continued.

“We aren’t, but just in case.” He slid the parchment closer to him. “Hunk, you’re one of Lance’s closest friends and one of the few people I let in. I know this is a lot to ask for, but there is no one else I can ask this from. Shiro is stressed enough, and knowing Pidge they would accidentally let it slip what is going on too early. I don’t want to worry Lance. Not when it is necessary. And who knows, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m being paranoid. But I won’t take any chances. Not now.”

Hunk wanted to reach over and hug the guy. He seemed so...so sad. As if he just announced his death date. As if he is dying in the moment, unable to stop it and needing to release his last words. What’s worse is he won’t be able to really talk to Lance about it. Because despite him telling his love everything, despite wanting to inform him of this issue, both of them knew Lance wouldn’t take it well. He would be strong and reassure Keith, yes. But Hunk knew it would linger in the back of his mind just like Keith, whether something bad happened or not.

Why worry him over something that may not even happen?

“Is this because of what happened to your parents?” Hunk asked softly, hoping he wasn’t reopening old wounds. Keith’s eyes flash to Hunk, immediately on guard and set to strike. 

“What?”

Hunk hesitates, but went on. “Your parents died in a fire when you were little. Is it because of that incident that you’re telling me this? Because you weren’t left with a last word?”

“I...” Keith struggled to find words. “I...uh...I...” He pushed away his now melted shake and combed his fingers through his hair, pulling at it and the furrow on his brow deepening.

Hunk regretted speaking. He placed a gentle hand on his arm, trying to dispel Keith’s shocked and unhinged thoughts. He never talked about his parents. Why would it be any different with Hunk? The poor boy is bordering on distraught.

“Keith,” Hunk said. “It’s okay. Breathe. Take your time.”

“I’m fine.” He grunted.

“Uh, no you’re not. I’m not dumb. I know when a friend is hurting.”

“I’m okay.”

Hunk crossed his arms and leaned back against the booth, settling Keith with an admonishing look for lying. Keith withered under it, his tough attitude nothing but a shield towards outsiders when it comes to his emotions. But Hunk is no regular outsider. Hunk is the empath; the mediator. The one most in tune with his and everyone else’s emotions, the slightest twitch of a muscle instantly alerting him of whether a person is experiencing positive or negative emotions. 

“Okay, so you’re not wrong,” Keith mumbled. “I...didn’t think about it until you mentioned it. Which makes sense. Why I’m on edge. Why I’m doing this. One moment they were around, the next they weren’t. I was...left with so many questions.”

“And you don’t want Lance to be left without a word. You want him to have closure and move on.”

Keith nodded. “It is what I would have appreciated.”

“But you were ten. You didn’t want a letter, you wanted your parents back.”

“Still. As I got older, I wished they left...something. A letter. A will. a card. I don’t know. Anything that...um..” Keith began to lose his voice. He wasn’t one to be vulnerable in front of anyone. He has done that in very few moments--one being around Shiro. Heck, Lance and him are together and Lance himself says Keith had a bad habit of locking all his thoughts and emotions up until they burst. Him and Hunk may be friends, but he still struggled with the habit. Of letting people in. 

Hunk is patient. He waited for Keith to go on, melting his stern eyes into smooth, shining chocolate. The waitress stopped by the ask if they wanted anything else, and Hunk knowing what Keith liked, ordered a plate of cheese fries.

“Lance probably is home now.” Keith commented.

“Tough. He can wait.” He flung a fry into his mouth when it arrived. “Serves him right for keeping you all to himself.”

“I’m really not that great.” He said mid-chew, a little quiet.

Hunk threw a fry at him. “Stop it. I see him all the time but seeing you is like waiting for a fish to do a trick. I deserve to spend time with his boyfriend platonically. I AM going to be best man at your guys’ wedding afterall.”

Keith inhaled his soupy shake all too fast as Hunk said that, it going down the wrong throat and was thrust into a coughing fit. What the fuck.

“We have been dating for a year!”

Hunk waved his finger around and clicked his tongue. “My good man, I know love when I see it. And you two aren’t separating anytime soon.”

“Y-you don’t know that!”

“I do. I better, or else Pidge wins the bet.”

“There is a bet!?”

“Between them, Shiro, and I yeah.” Hunk gave him an innocent smile, as if he were talking about the weather. Keith is tomato red, matching the sweatshirt he adorned and wished for a hole to swallow him up. Lance and he only talked about it once and it just resulted in Keith being a gay disaster.

“I’m going to murder my brother.”

“Go easy on him, he’s old.” Hunk joked.

“no shit.”

They laughed, the bleak atmosphere lifting for the moment. They gabbed away at other topics, the envelope not coming back until they were heading out the door, Hunk almost forgetting about it and Keith having to stop him before he drove away.

“You sure about this?” Hunk asked.

Keith pushed it in his hand as an answer. He nervously glanced around the parking lot, dusk drawing near, but his tone remaining steady.

“You were right. About my parents.” He started, the gravel becoming incredibly interesting. “I know Lance.With a big heart comes much bleeding if cut. Deep in my gut I know if I were to die prematurely and we still loved each other, he would take a huge blow.” He closed his eyes, his hands wrapping around his bag’s strap and head bending down. He is soft; a whisper amidst the raging wind, meant to be casted to the unknown if it weren’t for Hunk’s good hearing. 

“I maybe wouldn’t have handled my parent’s death well even with a letter or will. I was a kid. I just wanted them back. Knowing Lance, he’d want me back. Though I wouldn’t be able to return to his side, I want to know I’d leave this earth with something for him to find. To grasp onto. To hear--or I guess read--how I want him to be my Lance and move on. Because that is the hardest thing someone can do when they are left behind without a goodbye. Without truly knowing what the deceased wanted for them.”

Hunk saw Keith’s eyes glisten, knocking him breathless. He held a waterfall at bay, refusing to let go of the ache and chose to maintain a soldier-like stance. But Hunk knew his armor, and it is not an effective protector against the heart. 

“Please, Hunk. Don’t let him suffer like I did when my mother and father passed. Don’t let him chase after me. I want his light to stay lit. He has so much to live for, and the thought of his goofy, adorable smile twisting into a permanent wail kills me.”

Hunk gave in to his desires and pulled the boy to him, his big arms encompassing his smaller frame in a bear hug. He squeezed him close, the letter clutched in one hand and not forgotten, but a secondary issue compared to his friend’s distress. It may seem absurd, but to Hunk the future is scary. Anything can be scary, and a person’s fear of death is as valid as any other fear. He could not judge him. Could not tell him he is invalid in his logic, since he isn’t wrong. Neither of them knew what the future held, and though Hunk hoped the letter would gather dust and rot into pure pulp, there was also the possibility it would be torn open and stained with tears.

Keith did not cry that not. He didn’t fully grasp Hunk in a hug, his arms laid at his sides. But his fists were bundled up, nails digging into his palms as he leaned in. 

His head fit on Hunk’s shoulders, and that is all the other boy needed to know Keith accepted (and needed) the embrace.

Keith never brought it up again after. Hunk did not breathe a word to Lance, Pidge, Allura, or Shiro. 

It is a secret deal between friends. A promise for the worst case scenario, an insurance policy for their future being lost.

----------------------------------

Hunk stares at the letter. 

It has remained in the very back of his desk drawer for years, completely forgotten to merry holidays, loud birthdays, and weekly meet-ups with the gang. It has attracted enough dust Hunk has to blow it away, the flakes falling to the ground like ash. Hunk almost forgot about it.

Almost.

It has been a week since Lance returned from the hospital. Since he found out about Keith’s demise, the ambulance five minutes too late. Five minutes behind. Five minutes that could have saved him if it weren’t for the snow.

Five. Fucking. Minutes.

They said one side of his body was demolished; his whole right side cracked and brittle. Lance said Keith tried to protect him from the impact, though he held no real control over the car hitting the semi. But he still threw his body against Lance, allowing the impact the break his ribs and punctured his lungs. The jostling of the car didn’t help, it harming the organs beyond repair. Lance came out with a couple of broken ribs, severe enough head trauma he has more migraines than usual, a broken leg, bruising and cuts everywhere from the glass, and a second engagement ring with no owner.

They said Lance should have been the one to die since a lot of damage was done to the driver’s side. But somehow--and the doctors don’t understand it nor believed Lance’s story--he came out with less fatal injuries than Keith. 

While Lance should have ended up with a fractured or broken skull by hitting the steering wheel, his head only hit the back of the seat by Keith’s arms cradling him.

Hunk would have said Lance was crazy, but then again Keith was always one to act fast and think later.

Except now he is dead. 

Now someone Hunk could deem as a best friend is gone, leaving him with a task that makes him want to jump in a time machine and prevent all of this from happening. To keep that letter in the back of his desk and continue gathering dust.

But now, after not hearing from Lance since his release, he has a job to do.

He didn’t leave the house without throwing his wedding gift at the wall, angry tears cascading down his face as the ceramic mugs with a bear on both surfaces holding a heart shattered.

Shay watches him go, noting how he hugged her far tighter than ever before.

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

Novice [4]

Plot: AU Your neighbor summoned a demon for a good time, except he somehow overshot things and landed in your apartment. (Despite the lack of a pentagram.) He keeps showing up and oddly, he makes it a point to stop by after he’s done with her.

Rating: PG-13 (Language, implied sex, incubus mythology, controlling partners)

Characters: Incubus!Jungkook x Older Female Reader, Riley OC, plus mention of other members.

Notes: I am not an expert on demonology. This was based off a comical dream I had about someone accidentally ending up in my apartment when in reality they were looking for someone else. (The figure in the dream wasn’t a demon per se but a rookie individual that wasn’t human who appeared in places without using the front door.) Eventually there will be a take on this plot with RM as the incubus – it will be a different universe from this one. *If anyone controls you without your consent, get out as soon as possible.

Please no reposting anywhere!

[3] | [5]

It had been a few weeks since your first encounter with the rookie incubus and he seemed to make it a habit to stop by after seeing Riley. By now you made sure you stocked bananas, milk, and vanilla for his smoothie that he came to love so much, often letting him talk or vent about his life. Occasionally you chimed in with your own questions, curious to know a little more about the guy and his kind.

So far you learned that his kind were supposed to ask for permission, rather than taking from humans. Mainly it heightened the experience and was more fulfilling than taking from someone who was unwilling. Some of them weren’t all about a good or easy lay – he shared that a few of his elders were a bit soft for a real connection with love and respect for each other. Even though he had other incubi to talk to, he admitted he didn’t share too much about the exchanges with Riley, as he was eager to prove that he could handle himself.

“I love them noona, but sometimes they treat me like a child,” he whined. “They got worried when I was summoned for the first time and almost told me I shouldn’t go – someone more experienced should. I think...I think the first time I was a little overzealous and didn’t focus, which is why I landed in your apartment versus hers. But that was the first time and now I’ve got it!”

You wiped sweat off your brow as you reached your floor, sighing deeply. You spent your morning biking around the neighborhood, trying to get your daily exercise in.

You barely made it a few steps from the staircase when Riley came out of her apartment, brushing past you without a care.

Good morning to you too, you little ingrate, you thought, trying to hide your irritation.

You rolled your eyes as you walked to your door and unlocked it. You pushed the door open and paused when you saw a young man seated in the normal chair Jungkook occupied. You frowned as you approached the figure, taking note of his see-through shirt, tight black jeans, and boots – different from what the incubus wore. As you moved around the counter to look at his face, you did a double take and realized that the young man sporting light brown hair, instead of the familiar raspberry shade, was Jungkook.

“Good morning noona,” he said as he met your eyes.

You yanked the other earbud out and put your phone on the counter. You didn’t say anything, staring at the new hair color and the clothes.

“Good morning...or am I in some weird parallel universe where your hair is normal?” you asked as you gestured to his hair.

Jungkook touched the locks and shot you a weak smile. “You don’t like it?”

You shook your head and leaned against the counter. “It’s not a bad color on you, but it’s different. Why the change all of a sudden?”

The smile remained plastered on his face, looking borderline like a wince. He rubbed the back of his neck and replied, “Riley-noona told me she hated my hair and my clothes, so I changed everything,” he confessed. “I borrowed stuff from Jimin-hyung, cause he dresses sexy and it works.”

“It works for him but not you,” you said as you straightened up. “Are you even happy with the changes?”

Jungkook didn’t answer and you watched as he stared around your kitchen, avoiding your gaze. You opened your mouth, then closed it before going to pull the ingredients for his smoothie.

“It was a few nights ago,” Jungkook confessed. “She mentioned the color was an eyesore and that I dressed like a slob.”

“Who gives a fuck what she thinks – it’s your hair and your body!” you groused as you began making his smoothie.

Jungkook watched with concern as you chopped up the banana a bit savagely and dumped the pieces in. He rose from his seat and took the milk carton from you, insisting he had it.

You relented and watched as he poured the right amount into the blender. He put the carton back in the fridge, opening the freezer door overhead and scooping up ice cubes in his hands to put into the blender. You measured out the vanilla and added it at the end.

“Do you want food too?” you asked before turning on the blender. “It’s gonna take me some time to cook, but I’ll make you something.”

Jungkook thought about it for a minute before shyly asking for your pasta you cooked the first time he met you.

“Of course.”

“She’s still not feeding you, is she?” you asked as you put a huge bowl of pasta in front of him.

He shook his head and mumbled that it wasn’t uncommon for humans to pass out after sleeping with a demon. “I mean, she’s not weak per se, but she doesn’t have the stamina,” he noted. “Plus she didn’t listen when I warned her that repeat visits back-to-back can harm a human, maybe even kill them.”

He dug into the pasta and hummed, closing his eyes as he chewed. He swallowed before thanking you, flashing you his bunny smile. “Thanks noona, I really appreciate it. I know you’re probably tired of seeing me, but it’s nice to have a friend.”

You paused from cleaning the pot, grateful he couldn’t see your face. Friend. It sounded funny to be called a demon’s friend. Initially you found the incubus an oddball and it was weird being the middle person between him and Riley. It was sort of cute to have him enjoying whatever you put in front of him like he was your kid brother, but you were hard pressed to figure out what to call this little arrangement.

“Eat as much as you want kid,” you said.

He looked up from his bowl and whined, “Noona! You promised to not call me ‘kid’ anymore, remember?”

You held your hands up and shrugged. “I’m old! I forget – it’s kind of a habit!”

Jungkook pouted, putting his fork down to take a sip of his smoothie. He sighed in content before wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Noona, what do you do when you um...”

You raised a brow at his question and he reddened slightly. You put the pot away and crossed your arms over your chest.

“That’s a bit personal Kook,” you said. “If you’re wondering if I’m taken, I’m not. But I’m not looking for anyone at the moment.”

He tilted his head and a playful grin crossed his lips. “But say if noona ever wanted help, I would be more than happy to help you. You’ve done a lot for me and I haven’t been able to return the favor.”

You threw the dish towel at him and he yelped as it covered his face. You snorted as he fumbled to remove it and you replied that it wasn’t going to happen.

“Ah noona!”

“I’m too old for you kiddo,” you shot back with a smile.

“No you’re not!” he protested. He paused when he heard his phone go off and he huffed when he saw who it was. He looked like he was going to decline it, but he relented and answered.

You busied yourself with putting away the blender and the colander as he spoke in another language to the person on the other end. The call lasted a few minutes before he hung up and pushed the bowl away.

“I’m sorry noona but I need to go back,” he sighed. “Looks like one of the hyungs is asking for me.”

You picked up his bowl and nodded, telling him to take care as he headed toward the door. Before he could leave, you called out to him.

“Hey, if seeing Riley makes you uncomfortable, I’d stop seeing her altogether,” you spoke up. “I mean, it’s not fair to you that she made you go through those changes and she never does anything nice for you. You shouldn’t settle.”

He looked back at you and flashed you a smile. But something in his eyes looked off. He mumbled a thank you before leaving, closing the door quietly behind him.

“She wasn’t horrible, but my brother was the worst! If I tried to tell a joke to diffuse the tension, he’d throw daggers my way!” Jin moaned as he rumpled his hair. “Forget my dad asking about her grades – my brother nearly bit his head off! Oh please count me out for the wedding!”

“They’re engaged?”

“No, but I know it will come to that! You just wait and see,” Jin huffed.

You nodded, staring at your full glass of water. You agreed to catch up with your friend after so long and tonight you couldn’t help but worry about the incubus after seeing him this morning. Sure he was smiling and trying to act like it was okay, but his eyes told you another story.

You rose from your seat and apologized to Jin, excusing yourself. “I need to get back – got to check on someone.”

“Are you seeing someone? Is it someone I’ve vetted?” Jin asked.

“No Jin, it’s...a friend,” you sighed. “He’s like a brother and I’m a little worried about him and some stupid girl.”

Riley’s apartment was eerily silent when you walked by, which you took as either a sign that she was conked out or maybe Jungkook listened to you and stayed away.

Your heart pounded as you unlocked the door with shaky hands. Was he waiting inside for his snack? Did he not come at all?

The door opened and you noticed a young man clad in a similar outfit that Jungkook sported this morning sitting in his seat. The hair color was different this time and you frowned as you studied the body shape.

As the door closed behind you, the figure turned in his seat, fingers grazing his chin.

“I never dreamed I’d be saying this to a human, but I need your help.”

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Saying Good-Bye to Yesterday-Chapter 3

In this chapter, Sharon and Andy return to LA. Ricky tells Sharon about the visit he and Emily made to Jack's about the annulment. Sharon worries that it is taking them longer than planned to find a house and that Andy might be getting tired of living in her condo.

Shandy Heat!

You can find this chapter here https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13004092/3/Saying-Good-Bye-to-Yesterday

and here https://archiveofourown.org/works/15321687/chapters/36271923

and right here

"Here we are, home sweet home." Andy pushed the door open to the condo, allowing Sharon to enter before he followed her in dragging in their large suitcase, the big carryon leather bag on his shoulder banging against the doorway as he tried to maneuver everything in.

Sharon dropped her smaller carry-on and turned to look at him with a sympathetic smile. She appreciated the sentiment, and yes, it was where he was living now, but she knew it wasn't home. With most of his things still in storage until they found a house to buy, aesthetically, nothing had really changed since he moved in.

"Mom, Andy, you're back."

"Ricky!" Sharon's excited squeal of surprise and the way she embraced her son brought a smile to Andy's lips. The pureness of her love for her children was something to behold.

"You just saw me, yesterday, Mom," Ricky laughed at Sharon's enthusiasm.

"Yes, and I didn't expect to see you again for quite a while. I thought you were flying back to San Francisco yesterday?"

Ricky's eyes met Rusty's with slight trepidation. "Yes, well, I had something I needed to do."

"What's that?"

"We'll talk after supper. Rusty and I cooked." Sharon's eyes met Andy's but he just shrugged. He didn't know any more than she did.

"Rusty cooked," Rusty corrected his brother while pulling a glass baking dish filled with stuffed pasta shells covered in spaghetti sauce and melted mozzarella cheese out of the oven. "Ricky stood around trying to tell me what to do."

"You weren't putting enough ricotta in the shells; I like a lot of ricotta. Mom always puts in extra for me."

Rusty rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm not your mommy."

Andy's lips twitched with amusement and he gave Ricky fist pump, he loved a lot of ricotta too. Rusty shook his head at Sharon who smiled; anyone would be hard pressed not to take Andy and Ricky for biological father and son.

"It smells delicious," Andy said, making his way to the kitchen. "We're starving."

"We thought you might be." Ricky grabbed a big wooden bowl full of greens and made his way to the dining room. "I made the salad."

Rusty brought the dish to the table setting it down on a hot plate. "Like I said, Rusty cooked."

"And we appreciate it, both of you." Sharon gave Rusty's shoulder a quick squeeze before sitting down at the table. "Saves us from having to order a pizza." Which, exhausted from their cross-country flight, was exactly what they had planned on doing when they got home.

"Well then, let's eat."

*****

When they finished their meal Andy suggested that he and Rusty do the dishes giving Sharon more precious time with the son who lived 6 hours away and would be leaving the next morning. Ricky took Sharon's left hand eyeing the east-west emerald cut diamond. He saw it in Connecticut but everyone had been fighting to have a look and he had only gotten a quick glance.

"Not bad, Andy, nice work. "

"Oh, well, I can't afford a ring as beautiful as she deserves, but thanks. "

Sharon twisted the band on her finger admiring the way the light played on the diamonds. "This is much more than enough. It's perfect and I love it. Now, do you want to tell me why you skipped out on your flight and stuck around here in LA?" Her worried eyes moved between her two sons. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk to you about the wedding. Have you guys discussed a date yet for the ceremony?" Sharon shook her head in a 'drop the subject' way and rested her hand on his, confusing the hell out of him. "What?"

"Rusty, how about we go out and get some air?" As happy as both he and Sharon were with the idea of getting married, the topic of the wedding itself was a touchy conversation and Andy figured Sharon would like a little privacy with her son.

"Okay, sure." Rusty gave Ricky a look of support as he followed Andy out to the balcony.

"You know, Ricky, we talked about this in Connecticut. There are issues."

"Mom, no, no, no. This is your time to be happy, don't postpone it."

"I am trying to move things forward, but if I want to get married in the Catholic Church. Oh, I don't know." She sat back with a dejected sigh, the pain heavy in her chest.

"I do. That's why I stayed here in LA, and so did Emily. We went to see Father Stan yesterday about an annulment. He said all of Dad's past behavior, the drinking, gambling, disappearing acts; they create an easy straightforward annulment of your first marriage, secured by the bishop."

"And your father is going to have an issue with that."

"Oh, I already talked to him."

"You what?" She couldn't have been more stunned.

"Emily and I got the papers from Father Stan and we brought them over to Dad's place this morning. We walked Dad through the entire thing and we made it abundantly clear that if he wants to continue to have a relationship with us then he has to agree to the annulment."

"And Jack was okay with all that?"

"Oh, he was pissed." Ricky laughed, making light of it. If she knew what really went down it would only upset her and that was the last thing he wanted. "But he agreed to sign a letter of approval, which I have here. He's going to fill out the questionnaire and have it back to me by next week."

"How did you know to go to your father about my annulment?"

"Mom," he took her hands in his. "How can we not know what the church means to you? And how could we not go full out for our mother who gave so much to us."

Sharon sat back with a far-off look, her silence louder than any words.

"Is there something else?" He asked with concern.

"Yes." Her eyes fell on Andy out on the balcony with Rusty. "I am not the only divorced Catholic in this relationship."

"Well Andy's ex-wife remarried, I don't think she'll mind giving him an annulment."

"Moving forward on an annulment of Andy's former marriage has got to be his idea, not mine and certainly not yours." She narrowed her eyes at him, without effect. He just gave the same look back at her, with a little growl. She couldn't help but smile. Just like with Andy, she found it very difficult to stay angry with him.

"Okay then, I can't see him not wanting an annulment, but if for some reason he doesn't, then would you consider getting married outside the church and finally stop letting them dictate who is and isn't your family?"

Sharon shook her head sadly, Ricky just didn't get it. "When I said yes to Andy, it wasn't contingent on either of us getting annulments. I am going to marry him, no matter what, but if I can't do it in the church…." A look of pain filled her eyes and her voice broke. "I will be losing something very precious to me."

"See, that's just it. I don't want you to lose that, Mom, none of us do. I guess we just have to hope that Andy feels the same way."

And that Nicole came through.

*******

"What did she say?" Rusty asked, once Sharon and Andy had gone off to bed and Ricky was preparing the couch with blankets.

"God, I can't wait until Mom and Andy buy a house and I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Rusty always felt guilty when Ricky came home and had to sleep on the couch because he had taken over his bedroom.

"No worries, that's the way it happens. Older kid moves out and younger sib takes his room. Besides, I used to get stuck on the couch when Emily and I were both visiting at the same time anyway. Did you know Mom was supposed to get a three-bedroom condo? Our house sold before the condo was available so she had to take the two-bedroom unit. Didn't think it would be a problem at the time, but I guess she didn't see you in her future."

"Yeah, I'm sure I wasn't part of her life plan. So, come on, what did she say? Was she mad at you?"

"A little, I think. But not as bad as I thought. She seemed more…I don't know, resigned, than anything. It's like she expects this not to work out. I hate that. Nothing in her life ever seems to work out the way she planned or hoped. Even her job. Did you know that when Chief Pope was selling Mom a transfer to take over Major Crimes, he promised to make her Commander? She got the job, but not the promotion."

Rusty snorted. "That doesn't surprise me. Lying is a way of life over there."

"Yeah, well, for once, I'd just like to see her get everything she wants and deserves…completely. I just want her to be happy."

"She will be. I trust Nicole. She'll fix things on her end and then Mom and Andy will both be able to get the ball rolling.

*********

Andy came out of the bathroom in his bathrobe, boxer briefs, and a t-shirt to find Sharon seated, propped up by pillows, on her side of the bed. He paused for a moment to take in the sight of her in one of his favorite shortie pajama sets; a lavender lace-trimmed silk camisole with matching tap pants that were so short they revealed almost all her long, lean legs, which at the moment were drawn up toward her chest. The cream she was rubbing into her arms filled the room with the scent of vanilla and jasmine.

There was something special about seeing her like this in their bed, something he still didn't take for granted. As beautiful as she was during the day, with her hair perfect and her makeup emphasizing her stunning features, having her here in bed like this, with her hair pulled back in a messy bun, her glasses sitting on the nightstand and her face scrubbed clean of makeup he was given the unique privilege of seeing her in a more natural state; the little sprinkle of pale freckles on her nose and cheeks, the clarity of her stunning jade green eyes and the fine laugh lines at the corners of those eyes that deepened when she smiled. It was a side she allowed very few people to see. Even on her days off his lady love didn't as much as run out to the grocery store without being put together. She might be wearing jeans and a t-shirt like everyone else on a day off, but she paired them with nice boots and stylish jackets in leather and suede and always wore at least a touch of makeup. Those Wal-Mart shoppers in the pictures all over the internet were an alien species to her. Even when he'd stayed with her before they were sleeping together while he recovered from his blood clot she had never come out to the breakfast table without having her hair freshly blown dried, her glasses on and her face made up. He'd never thought about it until then, but the way she looked, the way she dressed, it was like another shield for her. Now he was beyond the shield, allowed to see her every vulnerability, but he still remembered what it felt like to be so close to the inner sanctum yet still so far away.

Back when his original injury had turned into a dangerous blood clot in his carotid artery that required constant supervision and he'd moved in with Sharon, they had only been dating for a couple months and hadn't yet had sex. Sharon wanted to take things slow, she wanted an old-fashioned courtship, though to be honest, it felt to him like he'd been courting her for almost two years. Whatever. He understood where she was coming from. One of the best things about Sharon was that she wasn't like the kind of women he usually dated, certainly not the type to hop into bed on the first date. Sex was meaningful for her, it wasn't just about the quick thrill of pleasure, it was about sharing herself with him. It was also the last barrier in their relationship. Once that was gone, it would be complete intimacy and that was scary for her. The baggage she still carried thanks to the way Jack had treated her over the years was still quite heavy and workplace romances could be sticky if they didn't work out. Love had come easily to them; trust was a little harder and had to be earned.

So, by the time he'd moved in…to Rusty's bedroom, they'd had a few heavy make-out sessions, he'd had his hand inside her blouse and one tantalizing time up her skirt, but he had yet to see her naked and they had yet to make love.

And it was killing him. Killing…Him…There he was living in the same condo with her and still denied the pleasure of knowing her in the carnal way of his fantasies, this time, not just because of her hesitance but because he was physically restrained from all that kind of activity. Hell, he wasn't even allowed to cross his legs, whatever that was all about.

He'd lain in Rusty's bed at night, knowing with every fiber of his being, that Sharon was sleeping just across the hall. What was she wearing? What would it feel like to sleep pressed up against her? Did she think about him and touch herself the way he did when he thought about her? Damn. Mentally he knocked himself upside the head. Those were dangerous thoughts. Before the clot, when those kinds of thoughts about Sharon brought him to this state, he could just finish himself off. That was no longer an option now. The last thing he needed was to get the blood rushing and shove that clot right into his brain.

His first morning in the condo, he'd put on his bathrobe and padded across the hall to the bathroom. The shower was running so he knocked. 'Be out in a few minutes,' Sharon called out. Crap….it had to be her in the shower. Yes, his mind went there in an instant. Just on the other side of that door, Sharon Raydor, the object of his desire, stood behind the glass doors of the shower, water sluicing down over her nude body, the body denied to him for so long. If they were lovers, he could walk through that door, slip out of his bathrobe and join her. He could run his soapy hands over her curves, feel the weight of her breasts, tease the springy curls between her thighs. If they were lovers he- 'Andy, just a heads up, she takes a pretty long shower.' Shit, he forgot about the kid. He turned away slightly to hide his hard-on. Rusty was already suspicious enough of him, the last thing he needed was for the boy to see him lusting at the bathroom door over his mother.

Later, it was a relief to learn that Sharon had not been immune to the sexual tension he'd felt. Once he healed and they finally started sleeping together, she admitted that having him in her condo, sleeping in the next room, using her shower, laying on her couch in his pajamas had all stoked a few of her own fantasies, for which she'd gravelly chastised herself knowing that any kind of sexual activity could have been dangerous for him. She also admitted, with an adorable blush, that yes indeed, she did fantasize about him and touch herself, which, Christ Almighty, was one hell of a turn on. Just because she wanted to take things slow didn't mean that she didn't desire him, or that it was any easier for her to hold off until she was ready.

Thankfully, they were beyond all that now. He took his bathrobe off and tossed it over the chair, focusing once again on the woman sitting on the bed now rubbing the cream into her legs. Whatever frustration he felt back then had only made the intimacy between them now all the sweeter. Much, much sweeter.

As he approached the bed and didn't receive even a flicker of interest, it was obvious that she too was a million miles away.

"Hey," he said, sinking into the bed beside her. "Are you still stewing about Ricky going to see Jack about the annulment?"

"Hmm…What?" She turned to him with confusion, pulled out of her thoughts. "No. I told you I was letting it go for the night and I have. Besides, I don't stew."

"Of course you don't." He grinned, leaning over to kiss her bare shoulder. "God, you smell good."

She shivered at the feel of his whisker rough jaw against her skin. "I don't," she insisted. And, thank you."

"You're welcome. So," he continued to nuzzle along her shoulder. "If you aren't stewing about Ricky, what's bothering you?"

"What makes you think something is bothering me?"

He gave her a questioning head tilt, and then just waited her out. Pushing only caused her to retreat but if he waited her out long enough to form her thoughts, he knew she would open up to him. She set the jar of body cream down on the nightstand, and then she surprised him by flipping over and pressing her body up against his. "Andy?" Her fingers began rubbing the extra soft fabric of his sleep t-shirt the way she did when she was nervous about something.

"What is it, babe?" He rested his cheek against the top of her head.

"Does it bother you living here?"

"What?" That wasn't the question he expected.

"Today when you came into the condo, you said 'home sweet home', but I know it can't really feel like home to you. I feel terrible that all your stuff is still in storage."

"We agreed that was for the best, there's no reason to move everything twice."

"I know. I guess when we discussed it I thought we would find a house a lot faster than we have. And I know that I've been a little pickier than-"

"Sharon, stop." He took the hand that was playing with his shirt and brought it up to his lips. "Sometimes I've just wanted us to find our perfect house so much I jump in too quickly and don't always look at the bigger picture. Every time you've put the brakes on you've been right. If it isn't perfect for you or if it isn't perfect for me, then it isn't perfect for us."

"I know. I just feel bad that this place isn't more 'home' for you."

"This place is home for me, sweetheart. Because you're here. I would rather spend the rest of my life with all my stuff in storage, living here with you, then to spend it in a spectacular house surrounded by all of my things without you. You are what makes me feel at home, not my stuff. "

"Oh dammit, there you go again."

"Huh?" His look of confusion was adorable.

"How do you always do that?" She rose up on her elbow, cupped a hand over his cheek and looked down on him, her eyes shiny with tears.

"Do what?" He leaned into her palm.

"Touch me, right here." She took his hand and placed it over her heart. "No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Andy. I love you, so, so much." She bent down to kiss him, moaning against his lips when his hand slipped inside her camisole to cup over her breast. The proximity was just too much to resist. He'd always been a leg man, but breasts were a close second, and with Sharon, he might even call it a tie.

"Love you too," he murmured against her lips. "But, babe, I do have something I need to confess."

"Okay." She grew serious, a slight frown marring her brow. "What's that?"

"I really do miss my pool table."

"Andy!" She shook her head, her laughter muffled into his cheek. "I promise we'll find a house with enough room for your pool table."

"We better, because you still owe me." He let his lips trail down the column of her throat, latching on to the spot where her neck met her shoulder. She purred, her hips growing restless.

"Not my fault we caught a murder." Her breathing grew heavy as he began sliding his thumb over her nipple again and again until it was pebble hard and aching.

"No, but we never finished our game." He pulled her thigh over his hip, thrusting his hardening cock directly into her mound. When her breath caught and she finished the roll on top of him, grinding against his rigid groin, he grinned. He hadn't expected this tonight, figured they would both be too tired. "And I was winning. I had you down to those sexy red lace panties. One more bank shot and I would have been hitting a home run with you on that table."

She gave a sultry laugh. The few dates she'd gone on after her separation had been sober outings with oh so serious men. Being with Andy was different, it was the most fun she'd ever had. He was irreverent and spontaneous and he had a way of cajoling her out of her comfort zone that left her feeling daring and sexy in ways she'd never felt before. "That was the longest trip from Valencia to the PAB I can ever remember."

"You're telling me. You're not the one who had a hard on the entire trip." The whole drive from the valley to LA his mind kept flashing on the vision of Sharon standing in his den in those red bikini panties and nothing else. Just the thought of her bending over his pool table and how he'd planned to claim his victory kept adding fuel to the fire between his legs.

"I think you're exaggerating a little there, but I am glad it was gone by the time we got to the city."

"Yeah, imagine explaining that to Provenza. Well, you see, Sharon and I were at my house playing a game of strip pool." Andy chuckled at the thought. "You know how he always says he's going to die at his desk? Well, that might have sent him right over the edge."

"You might be right," she laughed while closing her hand over the bulge in his briefs, gently caressing and squeezing him.

"Oh, Christ Shar…That's good"

She smiled and gave him one last squeeze before pulling his underwear down to release him. When her hand closed around the bare warm skin of his thick shaft, his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Seems like you still have that problem." Letting him go for the moment, she reached over into her nightstand searching around for the trusty little bottle.

"What?" he asked when she frowned.

"I can't find the lubricant."

He chuckled softly despite the pressure between his legs. He always thought it was cute that she hated the word 'lube'. "It's usually right there in the front."

"I know. Oh, never mind. I can take care of it myself."

A jolt of pure lust ran from his spine to the tip of his penis at that declaration. He knew what was coming …and that it was pure heaven. Holding his breath he watched as Sharon bent her head and began pressing tiny little kisses along his cock. His buttocks clenched involuntarily each time she flicked her tongue over the head, his eyes closing so he could savor the sweet sensations of her tongue running up and down his length, her fingers caressing and teasing his tight heavy balls. So lost was he in the exquisite sensations that when she finally slid her mouth fully over him he gave a deep guttural groan of surprise and arched off the bed. She paused, looking up at him with alarm.

"Shit. Sorry." He glanced toward the bedroom door. Her two sons were just on the other side. "We really do have to buy a new house." He grabbed a pillow to show her he had his groans under control and she continued to go down on him. Watching Sharon sliding her mouth up and down his cock was so erotic it was all he could do to keep from coming.

"Taylor…Turner…Bellinger…Puig…."

Sharon hummed with a soft laugh against him. It was the Dodgers batting order and that meant Andy was getting close. She'd be more than happy to finish him off knowing that he'd reciprocate, but chances were tonight he 'd be so tired he'd fall asleep once he was sated and her own body was thrumming for release. So, she let him slip from her mouth.

He was about to protest when she bent for one last kiss to lick away the little pearl drop at the tip, a move that always drove him a little crazy. His voice husky, he pled with her. "Shar…don't stop…"

"Oh, honey, we're not done yet." She gave him a wicked grin and slowly began sliding her sexy French knickers down over her hips and thighs, her cami up over her head. His hands immediately reached up to cup over her breasts, as she'd known they would. After a few moments of kneading the soft mounds, he gently tugged her closer for better access to her chest. His tongue snaked out to flick over her nipple the way his thumbs had earlier and when he sucked the hard rosy peak into his mouth she threw her head back with a soft plea of her own. The gentle ache between her legs grew to a fevered throb and she took his penis, now stiff and ready, and slid it up and down her warm wet cleft, shivering each time he passed over her clit.

"Sharon." Her name came out strangled, filled with a desire that never ceased to amaze her. She continued to slide him back and forth, once, twice, then teased him at her opening, allowing his tip to enter her then removing him again and again until they were both panting with the unrequited need that was only one tantalizing slide away. Positioning herself for it, Sharon placed her hands on Andy's shoulders and bent her head to press her lips against his. He could taste himself on her tongue and deepened the kiss at the same moment she slid her knees wide allowing him to penetrate her all the way to his balls, her cry of pleasure caught in his mouth. They stayed that way for a few moments, hearts pounding, both close to the edge. Then, without withdrawing, Andy rolled her over, pulled her long leg up over his back and began the deep, long, slow thrusts she liked to get started with. It didn't take long to bring her up to his level of arousal, in fact, he'd barely begun when she started whimpering against his shoulder, shoving her hips into his and digging her nails into his butt in an effort to pull him deeper.

"Andy…Andy…Andy…." His name was a plea. She couldn't form a coherent thought but he knew her well enough now to know exactly what she was begging for… and complied. Gripping her luscious ass in his palms, he pulled her up tight against him and began the deep frantic thrusts that quickly sent them both over the edge, her sheath squeezing and contracting around him while he ejaculated with a deep groan of utter bliss. Completely spent they collapsed together in a tangle of arms and legs, hearts pounding and bodies rippling with the aftershocks of their orgasms.

Coming back from the bathroom after cleaning Andy from her and sticking a panty liner in her underwear to catch the rest of his leakage, Sharon paused at her nightstand and began rooting around inside. Finally, way at the back of the drawer, she found the bottles that had been right in the front.

"Found it," she said, lifting the bottle of 'uberlube' with triumph.

"Hmm?"

She was right. Andy was already almost asleep. It was so much easier for a man to clean up after sex than a woman.

"I found the lubricant. I just don't know why it was way in the back of the drawer. We used it right before we left and it was right in front."

"Come to bed, sweetheart," he sleepily patted the spot beside him. "I don't think Goldilocks has been in our bed."

"No, I suppose not." Sharon slipped into bed beside him. But she still couldn't shake the feeling that someone had been messing around in her drawers…and with her lube.

There she said it.

Lube.

Ugh. It still sounded like something out of a porn movie.

TBC

[problematic-pleasures]

what’s this?? chapter three!! it’s a little filler-y, but i really enjoyed what i got to develop within this chapter. i hope you all like it too! if you did, please reblog or comment @ at the ao3!! <3

When T’Challa knocks on Erik’s door the next morning, he doesn’t get an answer. He waits a few minutes and knocks again, but calls it quits when there’s still no answer. He fiddles with kimoyo beads and stays beside the door until two Dora Milaje are stationed outside it.

“He is not a prisoner,” he reminds them, waiting for their nods. “If he needs anything, assist him. Or, contact me if necessary.” He smiles at them then turns to leave. He feels a bit nervous leaving Erik alone—either because of what Erik will think, or what others will think. But T’Challa also knows that if he bothers Erik, that will only make things worse.

He puts the thoughts out of his mind and makes a beeline for their recently developed communications hub. Two more Dora greet him outside and he responds with an ‘x’ across his chest and a kind smile. The inside of the hub is bustling and busy, and it’s refreshing to see. There is a low level of chatter and the soft rumble of people hurrying about, making things happen.

“My king,” a voice greets from his left. T’Challa looks over to see Nakia grinning back at him.

“Nakia,” he answers softly. He reaches for her, and she comes to him in a hug. Formalities have never mattered much between them, aside from jokes, and T’Challa is grateful for it now. He still isn’t used to people bowing to him, reaching for his hands, all that comes with being king. He loves the people of his country, but not even his training as prince could’ve prepared him for their reactions. The familiar warmth of Nakia is comforting, and they pull apart with identical smiles. “The outreach is going well?”

“Very well.” Nakia motions for him to follow. “The attendance is steadily climbing, as are donations from companies such as the Gates Foundation and StarkTech. We have also gotten suggestions, and I have teams working through them now.”

“Suggestions?” T’Challa asks, watching the screens they pass as he trails a step behind Nakia.

“Other things we can do for the communities. People are enjoying the social branch, and Shuri’s sciences branch is incredibly popular, but they still feel more there to be done.”

“Of course. What are some of the suggestions?”

“The one we see most often is additional homeless shelters in the areas. Non-profit, of course, and ones that accept our brothers and sisters without question. Ones that accept…” Nakia sighs, then extends her wrist and presses a kimoyo bead. “Homeless shelters that accept drug addicts, alcoholics. Ones that offer classes and resources to help those people, specifically.”

From the display on the beads, a list forms with graphs beside it, and pie-charts. T’Challa observes the statistics, the number of substance-dependent people in relation to the overall population of the Oakland area. Beside it, the number of homeless people compared to both those numbers. It’s an easy decision, really.

T’Challa nods. “Very well. Are there any buildings in the area we could use for that?”

Nakia’s eyes gleam, and her smile is proud. “I already have a team researching possible locations.”

T’Challa laughs. “Of course you do. What are other suggestions?”

Nakia presses a different bead and the display changes. It’s a list of all the suggestion; some are highlighted, some have notes beside them that are everchanging as developments happen. “I have already given you access to this list. As I said, I have teams working on the ones I think are most viable. There are some that will be easy, others less so.”

T’Challa brings up the list on his own wrist and scrolls through it; it’s a sizeable list, and he can already pinpoint some ideas that are easier than others. “You’ll keep me updated as they are completed, and if you need my assistance.”

Nakia rolls her eyes affectionately. “Of course, my king.”

T’Challa scoffs and shoves at her gently. “Any other updates?”

“Nothing pressing. Everything is going quite well. The Dora are an effective deterrent from mischief, and most seem more intrigued by them than ready to antagonize them.”

“Good.” T’Challa skirts his fingers over her arm. “And you’re well?”

“I am well,” Nakia agrees. “It feels good to help my country this way, and help others.” She looks over her shoulder T’Challa with a soft smile at first, but the expression slowly fades. “How is he?”

T’Challa knew it was coming, and shrugs eloquently. Nakia snorts. “He seems fine. It is too early to tell, I think. He has a long way to go.”

Nakia hums thoughtfully.

“Come on now, don’t hold back.”

Nakia busies herself with her beads, throwing images up on screens and sending directions off to various people. She handles the chaos well, she’s in her element and it’s admirable to watch. Idly, though he knows it isn’t what would’ve worked for either of them, he wishes at times she was his queen.

“I trust you,” she tells him in a low voice. Her back is to him, and her shoulders are drawn with tension. “I do not trust him.”

T’Challa doesn’t sigh this time. He saw this coming as well. “No one does,” he points out. “A fact I am well aware of. As is he.”

“I told you not to let your father’s mistakes dictate what kind of king you would be.”

“I prefer to think that I would be the man—and therefore the king—I am regardless. I am not saying it will easy or simple, but nothing worth doing ever is.” He gestures around them. “This isn’t, hm?”

Nakia shakes her head. “I only hope you know what you’re doing.” She finally turns to face him and touches his cheek gently. “You have my support.”

He lays his hand over hers and leans into the touch. “I appreciate that, Nakia.”

She smiles at him, deceptively soft. “I will not hesitate to step in, should he cause problems.”

Nervous and touched at the same time, T’Challa huffs a quiet laugh. “I have no doubt.”

-

T’Challa spends the rest of the day around Wakanda; essentially, he attends to his kingly duties. He sits in on meetings, discusses matters with the other elders, makes plans for their future. There is some resistance amongst the general public against the outreach, but it’s easy enough to handle. It is a time of rebuilding and peace, and it’s stressful but not as bad as it could be, T’Challa knows.

Still, at the end of the day he is exhausted. He stops at his bedroom door first, then looks down the hall. The same Dora from earlier are still stationed, their, diligent as ever. Despite the exhaustion in his bones and the way his ever-whirring brain wants to finally rest, he walks down the hall.

“Has he come out at all?”

Shele nods. “To get food, and to walk around. He has not said much, my king.”

T’Challa nods. “He seemed okay?”

Shele shares a curious raised eyebrow with Ce’Dala, and the amused quirk of their lips dissipates in a split second. “He seemed fine, my king. He did not ask for anything more than assistance getting food. We did not follow him on his walk, as it did not seem appropriate.”

“Very good. You two are dismissed, he will be fine for the night.” He salutes them with the traditional ‘x’ over his chest, and they return the gesture. He waits until their gone to knock. “Erik?”

Still no answer, same as that morning. It stirs concern in his chest—Erik’s blithe comment about his life echoes in T’Challa’s head. He does not truly think Erik would endanger himself, but he’ll be the first to admit he doesn’t know his cousin all that well. They are still learning.

T’Challa sighs and presses his palm against the door. Knowing he’ll be heard, he murmurs, “I am down the hall if you need me.” He waits a moment, then turns back to walk to his room. He doesn’t get a response, not over the beads and not in the form of Erik turning up at his door.

He goes to bed a bit fitful, but dreams of sunsets and weddings and the future.

[tellerford13]

MO ASTOR- CHAPTER 22

We don’t own the bikes, brothers, or any “related” Sons of Anarchy, trust us, if we did we wouldn’t have the time to write. No money is being made from our stories. So, please don’t sue. It’d be a fruitless endeavor indeed. That being said, Harley, Journee, and any other newbies are ours, and we don’t share. :Whispers in creepy voice: “My precious.” The universe This reality is a mix of cannon, and our own ideas. We strive to keep the boys cannon, but since we will be shifting around some of the events, that will reflect in our writing and their personalities as well. It’s our goal to provide you with quality fiction, and solid, fleshed out OFC. We appreciate constructive criticism and love LOVE reviews, they are a writers life blood and definitely help encourage us and inspire us. We will be posting on our Tumblr where we’ll have fun pictures from time to time as well. http://tellerford13.tumblr.com We’ll also be taking requests for one shots, preferences or imagines for all things Sons at our other Tumblr, so check it out and send your thoughts!http://tellerford13oneshots.tumblr.com/ And just for fun, we’ve decided to start a Pinterest for the story! So if you want a glimpse at our girls and see into our world, check it out! https://www.pinterest.com/tellerford/

                                                        A/N: 

Surprise! A huge thanks to all who’ve sent us amazing reviews and comments. You truly keep the muse happy. Again an early Valentine ’s Day to you. <3 We hope you’re enjoying the one on one time with our couples.

                                           Mo Astor Chapter 22

Lee

The sound of the phone makes me grunt. I glance over and realize it’s still dark out.

“Who the fuck is calling you at three in the morning?” Jax groans. He reaches over me and picks up the vibrating menace off the night stand. “Oh shit.” He chuckles. “Baby J! How the hell are you?”

I sit up, instantly awake. “Give me the phone.”

“No, I want to talk to her,” he says turning his back.  “Are you having fun? Yeah? Can you even walk.” He barks a laugh. “What? It’s a legitimate question. I’m concerned for your well-being. He treating you good? Is his family?” He huffs. “Cause it’s my job Baby J. Says the piece of slip Ma signed when Sugar went to jail for two years. This shit is official. I’m the big brother.”

I shake my head and wipe away the sleep from my eyes. He loves to pull out the paper issue. It’s his ace in the hole. I remember one time when Journee had been hurt and was in the hospital he’d nearly taken someone’s head off when they told him, family only. The staff never made that mistake again.

“Yeah. She’s here. …Good.” His voice changes. It’s softer and less confident. “Yeah, I’m glad too. Shut up J.”

I laugh. The infamous I’m just saying has been followed by Shut up J for as long as I can remember.

“Here. Talk to your sister,” he says thrusting the phone at me.

Her giggles sound in my ear.

“You sound happy.”

She sighs. “I am. You sound sleepy. Did I interrupt play time?”

I snicker. “No, that was before. I mean why do you think we’re exhausted?”

She laughs. “Seriously, though, it’s been good?”

“Oh yeah,” I sneak a look at Jax who I know is listening to every word despite his prone position.

“Ugh, he’s there creeping on our convo isn’t he?”

“You know it.”

“Just like when were in high school. We should make him worry.”

“You’re so evil.”

“It’s why you love me so much isn’t it?”

“One of the many reasons why my love. How’s the honey moooon?” I sing the last part in a high pitch voice, and we both laugh. I can’t believe my best friend is a married woman.

“It’s a dream I don’t want to wake up from. The place we stayed in was right out of a Jane Austen book. I mean the hotel details, rich green velvet canopy over the four-poster bed, and a bathroom to die for. I mean the claw-footed bath tub had silver legs!”

“Holy crap, Hubby went all out.”

“Umm yeah, in more ways than one.  The Kitty has been used and abused on a daily basis.”

“OI. I took care of it after every time.” Chibs’ Scottish brogue chimes in over the line.

“I was getting there, Daddy. I never said I didn’t enjoy it either,” She says in a coquettish tone that makes me laugh.

“He’s carried me to warm salt filled sweet scented baths nearly every day. How he expects me to return to everyday life after this, I do not know.”

“I’ll do it every day if you want,” Chibs says from the background.

“Um no I already have a hitch in my giddy up, thank you.”

“You guys are so damn adorable,” I say unable to keep from smiling.

“I want to know about you two! I wait my entire life for this shit to happen and it all goes down, and I leave. How fair is that?”

I picture her full lower lip poked out and her eyes wide.

“You know I’ll give you the play by play.”

“You’d better.”

“How’s his family?”

“Great, Hey I’m an Aunt now. Padric is my nephew.”

“Oh is he cute?”

She laughs. “He’s just five years younger, so I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use.”

“Hah, your son is only a couple years younger, so it’s clear you’ll have an unconventional family.”

“Ain’t that the truth? I love him. He reminds me of Chibs, and his sister is really cool too. She gave us a baby blanket!”

“Something you want to tell me there Journee?”

“Noo. Not that kind. This is a handmade quilt. It’s a family tradition. Family lore has it, you’ll conceive as long as you’re under the blanket.”

“Aahhh babe. That’s really sweet.”

“Right? I’m sorry to call you so late. I forgot about the time difference. I just realized I hadn’t talked to you in nearly four days and had a mini panic attack.”

“It’s okay we know you’ve been busy.”

“Yes, but the question is, have you?”

“Dirty girl.”

“So that’s a yes.”

“That’s a hell yes,” I say excited about the news I have to share. This feels better than anything I ever hoped for. Kick was a close second. I could’ve been content with him for the rest of my life, but Jax…Jax makes me happy in a way I never thought possible. I want to spill my guts to Journee right now, but I can’t.

“I’ll ask a question, and you say yes or no.”

“Okay.”

“Am I the only one still limping?”

I choke on my laughter. “Nu-uh.”

“Good, you wench. I was mortified at the second wedding until I saw you come hobbling along. You can’t leave me alone in this.”

“You’ll get used to it, I promise,” I assure her.

“Is it the best?”

“Oh yeah, for a bunch of different reasons.”

“I knew it!”

“Is this a fact check or a conversation Detective Telford?”

“Both.”

“At least you’re honest.”

“Shut up. You’re dying to give up the info. Stupid head is the one preventing our talk-a-thon.”

“It’s so true.”

“First thing when I come back?”

“You know it, babe.”

“I miss you,” she says.

I sigh. “I miss you too my friend.”

“Daddy’s looking impatient. I should go now.”

“I didn’t say a word.” Chibs adds.

“Wasn’t your mouth that was looking impatient.”

I laugh. “Okay, Mrs. Telford. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Love you.”

“Love you more,” I say as we disconnect.

“Baby J sounds really fucking happy,” Jax says.

“I know, she deserves it.”

“They both do,” He agrees.

“Well since we’re up,” Jax says as he rolls me onto my back and sets the phone on the nightstand.

“You want to play twenty-one questions?” I tease.

He parts my legs with his knee.

“Yeah, I do. Starting with, how does this feel?” He sucks the skin on my neck into his mouth, and I moan.

“It’s okay.”

His chuckle vibrates against my skin, and he nudges my core with his knee. “How ‘bout this?” he asks as I roll my hips, seeking the friction.

“Warmer.”

He runs a hand down my body and parts my slick lips. He circles my entrance once, and I’m lost. I shudder as he eases two fingers in and starts a rhythm I can’t help but follow.

“Jax,” I whine, needing more.

“Ask me for it baby.”

“I need you inside me now.”

He drives home, and I gasp as he fills me to the brim. I dig my nails into his shoulder and raise my hips. I flex around him and whimper as he hits the right spot inside me. Our bodies come together as he bottoms out over and over, tapping that spot that has me shaking and breathless.

“Oh, Jax.”

“So damn right. Jesus, Lee.” He growls as he moves faster and faster. The bed post taps the wall, and my lungs threaten to give as I bounce between screams and moans.

“So good.” I’m chanting as my heart beats so fast I struggle to suck down enough oxygen and my entire body tenses as I crest the wave. He thrusts home once more, and I shatter, shaking as I cream on his thickness. He grunts and bites my shoulder as he fucks me through my orgasm before he releases inside me.

***

Journee

I’m sad to say goodbye to Padric and Greer. They grew on me quickly. With their quick tongues, teasing manner, and familiar features, it’s easy to feel as if I’ve known them for a lifetime. This was about more than a family reunion. My old man was making his peace with his past, and it was a beautiful thing. I swear years have lifted off him. He’s more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him be as we drive away from the quaint village.

“Did you have a good time love?” he asks.

“I did. I hope Kerrianne likes our presents.” Together we’d picked out a leather bound journal, and a pretty lace dress.

“I think she will. It’s the thought that counts. Being able to have a way to communicate with her is more than I ever dared hope for in me lifetime. All this time I worried she’d thought I’d forgotten about her.”

“I think she knows better than that, Filip. Fiona might be sleeping with the enemy, but Kerrianne is surrounded by those who love and know you. They’d tell her the way of things.”

“You don’t know the power Jimmy O has over people. He’d make a man turn against his own mother if it pleased him. All to avoid his wrath. The man is the devil incarnate. I’ve seen many things in my life, but ne’er was there a man so evil as this one.”

The words send a chill through my bones. He reaches across the car and takes my hand. “But you don’t have to worry about him, love. I’ll kill him with me bare hands before I let him breathe the same air as you.”

I lean over and kiss his cheek, humbled by his words. I’m used to fighting. The only girl surrounded by men I had to fight to be heard, fight to do what I want and fight to be seen as more than a pretty piece of ass and the fastest way to climb your way up the GB ladder. It’s why I never dated in-house. Being the princess puts a target on your back. I wanted to be loved for me, not what an association with me would bring them. Of course, that was only for those brave enough to stand up to my father which was few and far in-between. Menace is not a man to be fucked with.

He taught me how to bid my time, protect myself, and unleash the primal warrior inside of me. I often wondered if I was a disappointment. I don’t have the boisterous countenance of both my parents. I like to sit back and exam people. I loosen up after a bit, but I don’t trust easily or take to many right off the bat. That’s what happens when you see the worst people have to offer too much. My father is the equalizer. I know better than most the evil men can do, and how fast some can turn. It’s why Lee, Jax, and I are so close. Regardless of the petty fights and growing pains, we’ve always had one another’s backs. There’s power in that.

There were times when I felt like they were the only ones I could count on to remain. I dated, but it never panned out or failed to launch altogether. We grew up together, the four of us. I had the biggest crush on Opie. I mean how could I not? The gentle giant had a sweet streak in him, and he always protected me. When we kissed my freshman year, I swore I saw stars. We were on the cusp of something when his bitch of a mother made him leave. I knew he’d be back, so I waited, pined, and planned out life out in my head. Only, he returned with another name on his lips, Donna. The embarrassment and shame singed me as surely as a flame.

I went internal. Then Chibs showed up, and a mysterious man with healing scars, dark countenance, and accent. I have a way with healing. It’s not unusual for me to patch the brothers. Hell, in another life, I might’ve been a nurse. These are things I learned from my mother.  Somewhere between tending him and crushing in my quiet way, we came to an understanding. He tolerated me, taught me things about cars, and I found a way to get over the perceived rejection from the man I once idolized. The man who pulled away from the close-knit group cultivated since we were kids.

Right now with my heart full and my future bright, I couldn’t be more grateful for the way things turned out. A few months earlier I wouldn’t have said that. I’d begun to wonder if perhaps there was something wrong with me. If maybe Kyle had been right. The funny thing about verbal abuse is, it ramps up. It never happens from the start. It creeps in like a fungus until it attaches itself to your psyche and begins to grow. Then it’s a part of you, and getting rid of it is a bitch. Because once you clear yourself off and it gets dark and cold again, it resurfaces, and the cleansing process begins all over again. It’s different with my husband. He makes me feel like I am enough.

We left early, so I know he has something else planned for the day.

“Is this the way we came?”

“No, we’re going back to a different location love. I would never forgive myself If I didn’t take you here before we went home.”

“Is it the reason why you chose my dress today?” I ask.

“Aye.”

He was almost bashful as he set out the lacey off white dress with a ruffled top, ruffled layers, and a slight train. I thought it was a bit fancy. Especially when he insisted I wear a floral crown headband around my hair, but he asks me for so little I complied with a smile and no questions. I pull the light weight heather gray shawl closer as the air begins to warm with the day and the sun. I’m excited to see where he’ll lead. He returns with our bags, a wide smile, and a bouquet of peach colored Gerber daisies and white flowers.

“Oh my God, they’re beautiful. You didn’t have to get me anything,” I say as my cheeks heat.

“Aye, I did. I aim to spoil you.” He hands them over with a sweet kiss, and I swear I fall even deeper in love with him. I place them in my lap, take a picture and send it to Lee with the text.

Just because flowers. I have the best husband in the world.

As we drive the countryside changes and begins to yield to a dazzling display of picturesque water surrounded by green land reflected in the waters like a mirror.

“That’s the Loch.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Aye. Wait to you see where we’re staying.”

We pull up to the white building nestled among the rolling green hills, and I swear I’m in a dream. This is the stuff of legends. I expect a unicorn to come prancing down to greet us any moment.

“Do you like it?” he asks quietly.  “I know it’s a lot smaller than the last hotel. But it’s got so much character.”

“I love it. It’s perfect.”

He smiles, and the uncertainty is swept away. “We need to get checked in if we’re going to make our boat ride.”

I scramble out of the car, and he laughs. I suddenly understand why he wanted me to wear this dress. It fits perfectly with the landscape. I turn, taking it all in. The click of a shutter draws my attention.

“Pose for me, my bonnie lass. I want to remember you here forever.”

***

Lee

I frown. It’s too quiet. I’m not used to the lack of noise. Usually, if I’m not working, I’m at the clubhouse, out with Journee, or at least talking to her on the phone. It was a slow day at the office, and I’m all caught up on projects. I flick through the channels and settle on The Fast and The Furious. The sound of a bike in the driveway perks me up. Jax! I slip off the couch and hurry to the front door. I peer out and find myself surprised. Tig? This could be a good thing, or a bad thing depending on his mood. I’m always happy to see him, but those nights when he needs me to pull him back from the edge, sadden me. He suffers for what he does to keep the club safe, but most will never know it.

I open the door.

“Hey, Doll.”

“Hey Tiggy. What’s going on?”

“Needed some quiet, ya know?”

I nod my head. There are times when the boys want a break from it all. My house is always open to them for that reason. It’s why I don’t downsize to an apartment.

“Come on in. You have perfect timing. I was just thinking it was too quiet.”

“Yeah? You missing wifey?”

“Big time. You missing hubby?”

He laughs. “Yeah I do. It’s too quiet without that Scottish fucker around.” We head inside, and I plop on the couch. He lands beside me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. His warmth and scent are familiar, and I’m lulled into a relaxed state.

“So where’s pretty boy?” I shrug. “In his skin?”

“You ain’t worried at all?”

“No, I trust him.”

He grunts, scowling.

“Why don’t you say whatever you have on your mind Tiggy.”

“Just not sold on this one, baby doll. The boy gets around and breaks hearts. Hell, look at Wendy. She didn’t deserve what he did to her. All she ever did was love him. And I ain't one to be soft on broads. She has her problems, but she never did wrong by him.”

“I know. And I don’t approve of how that went down, but it’s got nothing to do with the two of us. Tell me you didn’t think this might happen one day.”

“A long time ago when you were younger, yes. Now…not so much.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to see you hurt, or be put at odds with my brother. If he does wrong by you, there’s going to be problems.”

“He won’t.” As I say it, I realize I believe it wholeheartedly. “If I thought he would, we never would’ve happened.”

He sighs.

“People change. You know that.”

“Yeah. I’m watching him.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything different Papa bear,” I say as he chuckles. “Is that the only reason why you came over?”

“No. The brothers were getting on my nerves. Needed a break.”

“Then hang out here with me for a while and watch some TV.”

“What is this crap?” he asks.

“The Fast and the Furious?”

“Crappy rice burners? Really Doll? Thought you had better taste than that.”

“Shut up. I like this series.”

He rolls his eyes but settles in and goes quiet. It’s nice to get some quality time in with the man who I think of as my Pops.

We end up ordering pizza and cracking open the six pack in my fridge. After the torture of The Fast and the Furious, he makes me watch Harley Davidson and the Marlboro man for the millionth time. It’s endearing the way some things never change.

“I don’t know why you love that movie so much,” I say as I roll my eyes.

“Are you kidding me? It’s a classic.”

“Yeah, because they didn’t know any better.”

He holds his hands over his heart. “You’re wounding me here.”

Another bike pulls into the driveway.

“And that’s my cue.”

“What, you can’t be in the same room with us?”

“I’m not ready to watch the two of you suck face.” He shudders. “Thanks for the break.” He leans forward kisses my forehead and stands.

“Anytime, old man.”

He winks and heads to the door. I hear a muffled conversation with the voice I recognize as Jax, and a few minutes later he walks inside.

“Looks like I’m late to the party.”

“Nah just hanging out with my Pop.”

He nods his head. “Still weird to see Tig in a different light.”

“Yeah, well get used to it cause he’s always going to be around.”

“I hear you loud and clear.”

I relax. “Good.” It’s not secret the two of them have issues. He’s Clay’s boy through and through, and Jax represents the new change coming for the gavel. To say it caused friction is putting it lightly. I hope for my sake they can learn to play nice when I’m around at least. “I know there’s no love lost between the two of you, but he means a lot to me. He’s always been there when I needed him, and I want you to work on getting along.”

“That’s a lot to ask. We got a history of butting heads. Look I don’t think he’s a bad guy, we’re just after two completely different things when it comes to the club. Makes shit tense.”

“Maybe you should try harder to get him to see your side instead of baiting him. He’s smart. You show him why and it’s legit…He might surprise you by getting on board.”

“Naw, he’s blinded by Clay.”

“So make him see the light.” I insist.

He sighs. “Maybe. Enough about Tig. I came here to be with you.”

He wraps his arms around me and leans in for a sweet kiss.

I let the moment pass for now, but I’m nowhere near done working on him.

***

Journee

The night before we leave we’re in Galloway.

“I know you Chibs, what’s the reason for this being our last stop?”

He glances at the sky. “You’ll see soon enough. It’ll bring us back to the start.”

I tilt my head and ignore the temptation of checking my phone. “Come on, love.  It’ll get a bit chilly tonight. We need to change into something warmer.”

Back at our room, I slip into comfortable black leggings, gray boot socks, with brown boots we bought here and a warm emerald green sweater I’d fallen in love with. As we make our way outside the hotel with a flask of something to warm us up I tilt my head back and gasp.  The stars overhead are so close I swear I could touch them.

“Surprise.”

I turn to him and smile. “It did all start under the stars didn’t it?”

“Aye with a bold little minx who kissed me first to my shock and delight.”

I laugh. Only Chibs could pull off that word and be so damn rugged and sexy.

“Come on, the view from the observatory is like nowhere else in the world.” He slings two blankets over his shoulder, grabs a flashlight and offers me his arm.

I wrap my arms around his as we make our way from the hotel. It’s beautiful here, quiet, clean, and fresh in a way California could never be. I’d never been too far from my home, so this is mind-blowing. I inhale the cool air and soak up the experience.

“Do you know why the stars are so vivid love?”

“No.”

“Because Scotland enjoys some of the darkest skies in Europe. It gives them a background to really shine against.”

“Oh.”

We find a spot, and he puts down a blanket. We lay on our backs, and he covers us with the other one. I gaze up at the sky, enchanted by the diamond dotted velvet canvas. The beauty steals my breath. On the edges, I see what looks like a rainbow. Brilliant violet reds, and greenish yellows encompass the area. “Oh. Oh, my God. Is that what I think it is?” My voice trembles and my eyes fill with tears at the stunning display before us. The lights dance and glimmer, like fairies come out to play.  

“Aye, the Northern lights. I was hoping she’d show herself to us tonight. If you took all those stars in the sky and added them into one blazing ball of light, it might come close to the way I feel about you.”

“Oh, Filip.” I turn toward him, and our lips meet. I taste forever on his tongue, an eternity in the shape and feel of his lips. I cup his face, tracing the memorizes planes and the scar tissue.

“Can I have you here, Lennan? With the stars as our witnesses?”

“I am yours anytime any place, my love.”

“You do things to me heart that should be illegal, little lass.”

We fumble with belts, buttons and tights until he’s buried inside me. Pinned by his weight and the tights and boots around my legs, I can only take everything he offers. My breath stutters in my lungs as I watch the sky move above me. The old magic of this land and the man from it inhabits me. I say a prayer to keep this man forever, and I swear I feel an answer in my bones. As I fall to pieces and he fills me to the brim, I know I’ve been granted my wish.

I urge you to watch this video, so you can get the full experience of this scene. https://www.visitscotland.com/see-do/landscapes-nature/dark-sky-parks-sites/#&gid=1videoitems&pid=1

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Part 3:…of Ink.

Masterlist

June is in the middle of cleaning the tattoo couch and humming along to 'Independent Women’ when he hears Jiwon pushing through the doors of his tattoo shop.

“Seriously. You couldn’t find better clothes?”

Jiwon looks down at his white t-shirt and oversized camo shorts. “What? What’s wrong with this? It’s Sunday!”

June rolls his eyes and wanders into the small back room to check on the kettle. “Oh okay. Just a regular Sunday with your best pal. Oh Sure. Nothing important happening today.”

Jiwon leans against the door frame. “Can you please not make a big deal out of this? Like, for once in your life, can you be normal and not embarrass me?”

June lets out a incredulous laugh. “You’re kidding right?”

“I’m serious June. You’ll freak him out. He’s a bit quiet.”

June stops pouring the boiling water into the teapot and carefully sets the kettle back down on the benchtop. “Well shit. It does sound serious. When’s the wedding? Am I your best man?”

Jiwon groans. “Oh my god. See? This? This is what I’m talking about. Don’t do any of this when he gets here.”

June puts the teapot, three cups and a pack of green-tea flavoured cookies on a tray and hands it to Jiwon to carry back to the main room. “Oh relax. He’s probably a fucking weirdo himself.”

June surveys his best friend. Usually exuberant and brimming full of warm optimism and confidence but right now, there’s concern and apprehension in his eyes and he’s chewing on the his index finger with anxiety so strong that it washes over the both of them like a wave.

June sighs, walks over and swats Jiwon’s finger away from his mouth with a tsk. “Stop that. God. And you’re worried that I’m going to embarrass you.”

There’s silence as June pulls out some books on floral tattoos and spreads them over another small table. “It’s gonna be fine and if things go to shit, you distract him while I spike all our cups with some gin.”

Jiwon snorts. “You should never be let out in public unsupervised.”

June gives him a wolfish grin.

*

Destiny’s Child is blasting through the speakers and June is mid-dance when he notices a figure in black ripped jeans and a pink hoody hovering by the front window. He turns down the volume and watches as Hanbin reads the shop’s name with a small smile and checks his phone twice before pushing hesitantly through the doors.

June puts on his friendliest and least threatening face. “Hey! You must be Hanbin?”

Hanbin nods and gives him a small smile. “Um, yeah. Hi.”

June watches his eyes dart a million miles per hour around the shop with a mix of curiosity and awe, taking in the wall-to-wall art, indoor bonsai trees and large bookcases. “I’m June. Welcome to Rorschach’s.”

Hanbin’s smile shows a hint of a smirk. “Clever name.”

June’s momentarily taken aback. The well-rehearsed spiel about the name of the shop gets stuffed back down his throat as he clears it. “Yeah, I thought it was funny. But you know, hardly anybody appreciates the genius.”

Hanbin quirks an eyebrow. “Really? Well, I like it.”

“You know who didn’t get it for like 5 minutes? Jiwon.”

They both share a knowing chuckle. “Sounds about right.”

“What sounds about right?” June and Hanbin both turn to see Jiwon standing in the doorway of the back room with a lopsided grin on his face. “Hey Hanbin.”

Hanbin raises a sweater paw and waves awkwardly. “Hey.”

June looks back and forth between the two of them and almost busts a vein trying to keep his comments to himself. Oh God I’m trapped with two lame idiots for the next 3 hours.

June clears his throat again. “So. Hanbin. You can come sit here next to our Princess Peach.” He ignores Jiwon’s protest at the nickname and ushers Hanbin into a leather chair and points to the books on the small table beside it. “And there’s some light reading for you.”

Jiwon brushes past him to lay on the tattoo couch. “This will probably get boring after awhile. You can leave or fall asleep or whatever…we won’t be offended.”

“No,” Hanbin says without looking up, “I’ll stay until you’re done.”

*

For 15 minutes Hanbin sips his tea and watches June work on shading Jiwon’s Richard Parker tattoo. He’s since abandoned the books, in favour of staring at Jiwon’s skin and answering June’s questions. He finds out that June is both incredibly talkative and curious, with a lightning fast wit and a snarky quip for every occasion. He also finds out that he’s been Jiwon’s friend for close to 2 decades, the sharp acid that balances out Jiwon’s alkaline mellowness.

“Got any brothers or sisters Hanbin?”

“A younger sister. She’s turning 10 soon. What about you?”

“I’ve got a younger brother. He’s really annoying and thinks Yann Martel’s book is about a tiger mathematician and desserts.”

Hanbin laughs. “Oh man, what a loser. Guess you got all the good genes.”

“I’m RIGHT HERE!” Jiwon says hotly. “I can hear you both.”

“We know.” June says in a sing-song voice. “We want you to.”

Another hour passes and Hanbin finds himself forgetting about his nerves altogether. He and June discuss their favourite books and authors (yes to Joyce and Orwell, no to Woolf) and have somehow already made plans to swap a few to read.

“Jiwon. Tell him your favourite book.”

Jiwon shoots June a glare but his eyes are focused down on the tattoo. He doesn’t miss the amused smirk on his face.

“What is it?” Hanbin leans forward with a curious expression.

“Ah….it’s not like deep literature or anything,” Jiwon starts hesitantly as he feels a blush creeping up his neck. He’s going to kill June when this is over. “But it’s ‘Winnie The Pooh’.”

He’s not sure what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t Hanbin’s biggest smile, the one where his dimples pierce through his cheeks and right into Jiwon’s chest. “Oh! Those are classics though. I like them too.”

Instead of burning with embarrassment, Jiwon just feels warm. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin nods, making brief eye contact before looking down and pulling at the threads on his jeans.

June catches it and shakes his head in happy disbelief. They’re like a fucking movie. He feigns surprise and continues shading Richard Parker’s stripes. “Wow, would you look at that? You’re practically twins. It’s like this is meant to be.”

Hanbin gives him a confused look and Jiwon sighs in his chair. “Ignore him. The ink fumes have messed with his apparently superior brain.”

“Well, your blood is half ink by now so what does that make you? Half-man, half-pen?“ June pokes out his tongue and Jiwon tries to be the bigger person but he couldn’t resist poking his back either.

Hanbin chuckles as he gets up to put on the second kettle. For the first time in a very long time, he feels like maybe he’s made some right decisions and the Universe has finally got his back on this one. Maybe he’s paid enough crappy dues to deserve this one great big reward. Was it worth the wait?

He hears Jiwon’s loud squawking laughter next to June’s seal bark and thinks, absolutely.  

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW