#(i cant believe drowned is a year old now

[some-random-fandom-chick]

.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Today: Big CRK update Tomorrow: Splatfest Day after that: April 1st (the day I usually do my Eurovision First Impressions posts)

Busy few days.....b-by my standards.....

I miiiiiight give myself a bit more of a break and put off the Eurovision posts by a day or two? But I don’t wanna put it off for TOO long, for obvious reasons....I-I still need to listen to the songs super early in the month, so I can be fair to them all....

U-uh....I might as well start talking about it, tho, before I go!

Yeah, about Eurovision.....I-I’m still interested in it, but other stuff’s been distracting me, just like last year. Luckily, it’s not....AS bad as last year? At this time last year, I was busy writing Naivete, the biggest project I’d ever done, and that was taking up most of my energy, so Eurovision was pushed to the side for a while (altho I was still able to fit it in). This time, my distractions aren’t as big - just been playing games and keeping up with idol crush, and that’s about it. I don’t really have an excuse to go quiet about it. XD

Some reminiscing about last year’s Eurovision below:

I remember how last year, I never did a final thoughts post like I usually do.....and....there’s a reason for that beyond laziness. I actually did sit down to write one, but....for the first time, I chickened out. It mainly had to do with the discourse around the winner that I’d been seeing here and there. I was intimidated. I wanted to give my opinions on it, but....it felt like, no matter what I said, it would’ve felt like the wrong thing to say, or like it wasn’t my business. S-so, I just....decided it wasn’t worth it, and skipped doing the post. I know I could’ve just talked about my thoughts on the rest of the scoreboard, but no matter what, if I made that post, I would’ve HAD to feel like I had to say SOMETHING about what I felt about Ukraine’s winning song. And now that it’s been almost a year, I feel like I can share my thoughts more comfortably now, so here’s the abridged version of what I wanted to say: I believe that it wasn’t because of pity that they won. That was a really cool song, it was unique, stood out, was insanely catchy, and Ukraine have always had a good track record. The song would’ve been winner material any other year as well. However, I do believe that it WAS because of pity that they won by THAT much specifically (over four hundred points from the televote). And my thoughts on the rest of the results was that I more or less agree with everything except thinking Finland and ESPECIALLY France were robbed. I liked the year overall, and yup, that’s about it.

But, it’s in the past, and that felt good to finally get out of my system. XD Yeah, I dunno how that would’ve gone over with people who care about my opinions last year, pffffff....

One final note is that....in hindsight: while I did like the overall collection of songs in 2021 better than in 2022......in terms of just my favorite song, 2022 wins. While I do have songs I adore every year, I cannot overstate how OBSESSED I was with “Jezebel”, like.....i-in a way I haven’t been obsessed with a single Eurovision entry in years. That song was EVERYTHING to me, and I still love it a year later even with other song obsessions since then. Cuz of that, I’m not expecting anything of that level from this year, cuz I’d most likely disappoint myself by setting my standards too high. Still pretty hyped to see what kind of songs my favorites will be, tho! ^^

[opal-owl-flight]

Ooh boy, so, how do all the agents feel about the 70mil quota? And the fact it's at 90 mil last I checked....

Also, agents favorite grizzco weapons?

(They dont have fave grizzco weapons bc they dont want to associate with this sleazeball corporation KWJWKJ

More stuff abt the feelings below, though!)

Watching the decimation happening before her, Neo3 can only lay on the ground and cry. Thats everyone. Everything shes done. Shes known. Stolen away in a single night. All her power is nothing before the might of the eternal hunger of this banal evil.

What else can be done?

Her captain comes over, carrying a single egg. She starts, theyre not supposed to be on the field.

Is...it over?

They held the egg close, their voice, barely above a whisper. An apology.

"Im sorry."

She smells the devastation in their scent. Their mask hid nothing. And at that moment, they didnt even try. The marks of dried tears glowed on their face. Their voice is hoarse. Their form slumped, exhausted.

She knows theyve been trying to negotiate peace between the surrounding nations for several years, at this point. Alongside everything else.

Theyre fighting her fight.

What a dishonorable salmonid she is. Laying herself down like this, sneaking around - but she knew better than to do anything rash, now. She knew that will get her killed, or captured, or worse. She cant...she cant risk her captain getting injured again. They just got better.

"Really, I am."

At their soft words, she moves closer to them. Gentle, yet calloused hands, pick her up into a gentle hug. In this hug she can smell their guilt. In this hug she can smell their despair, their powerlessness. And yet...the scent of quiet fury simmers beneath.

They were just like her, in ways she didnt know yet. They too, ran away from their clan, after believing themself a dishonor to them. To save themself. They too, were dragged into a war their ancestors waged. Forced to carry the hopes and dreams of an age long gone.

The dream has changed, but they fight on, all the same.

She hugs them back, feeling the scars under their gear, the oldness of their body. Theyve been fighting longer than she has. With what she can only imagine is a spirit that can rival an elder survivor.

Shes a survivor, too, even if her means were more dishonorable than she wants it to be -- this over-reliance on others to fight her fights instead of doing it all herself, especially an elder survivor -- Has she stooped that low? Elders were meant to stay back, to watch over everyone. This one can barely fight for long anymore. What kind of salmon is she? (Just like 3, shes yet to fully realize the value of accepting help.)

And yet theyre here.

A squid who smelled of yearning, haunted by a past that they drag the dead weight of, ever forward.

Haunted by the specter of what they couldve been. Haunted by their mistakes. Yearning to be a squid that theyre not, anymore. To take the harm their entire nation has done and carry its consequences, all on their own. Be that hero, just like before.

...

And despite all that, their painful joints and trembling form, memories that drown them in yearning, theyre here. Still here. Fighting for their future. Her future. Everyones future.

"...Rest...now." they whisper. "Even one...saved...is still a life."

Their hands trembled, too. Maybe thats why theyre not signing. She held the egg they saved, gingerly, in her hands.

It reflected her face. It reflected her captain.

Its so fragile. All of it.

[garbagequeer]

i love japanese breakfast i love michelle zauner lyrics. the dog's literally confused

LITERALLY your dog's confused she just paces around all day she's sniffing at your empty room im trying to believe when i sleep it's really you visiting my dreams like they say that angels do i came here for the long haul now i leave here as an empty fucking hole oh do you believe in heaven like you believed in me oh it could be such heaven if you believed it was real is there something you can do with yourself as i sift through the debris while i empty every shelf i flounder in the muck I'll be drowning in so soon you cant watch me from the banks then turn to say you're swimming too come here for the long haul now i leave here just an empty goddamn hole how do you believe i heaven like you believe in me oh it could be such heaven if you believed it was real you're embarrassing me with a postponed marriage and a stalled out car and then you leave me in the back with half a window rolled down like a dog like a dog in the summer heat dont you think dont you think you should try to do as little harm as you can to the woman that loves you oh we'll stay together for the weekend honey the weekend babe me and you frosted blue but we're gazing out to better things you should try to do as little harm as you can to the woman that loves you you should try to do as little harm as you can to the woman that loves you 666 sixteen year old kids huddle around the grocery lot he punched out my teeth so you said so did the evidence the blood and the dent in the car door from your head this is where i bring you with every laurel i've hung from your neck it will be the noose that hangs you yes it will be the noose that hangs you cause i was lonely here and it's lonely still in the rugged country where the weeds grow fierce quicker than the crop i keep running from in this rugged country im the rugged one im the rugged one im the rugged one im the rugged one and this where we lost you despite every effort to bring you back and the hope's the one that haunts you and the home's the rope that's wrapped around your neck and it will be the noose that hangs you yes it will be the noose that hangs you it's a heavy hand where i wear your death as a wedding ring in the rugged country i tend to your man in the home you had oh in this rugged country im the rugged one im the rugged one im the rugged one im the rugged one can i get your number can i get you into bed when we wake up in the morning will you give me lots of head everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you will you lend me your toothbrush will you make me breakfast in bed ask me to get married and then make me breakfast again everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you everybody wants to love you

괜찮아 괜찮아 it's okay sweetheart don't cry honey i love you

jane cum in a year i'll say your hair got long and you'll tell me how the band got good like dust kicked up from a tire full force through the high beams i was rushing from phantom pain sweat away our clothes hatching jane cum you swallow me whole jane cum swallow soulless animal keep feeding on my meat all my tiny bones between your teeth jane cum you swallow me whole jane cum swallow jane jane i want to churn like amish butter i wanna move out of your way i wanna find what's there in your stomach if it's the same dark and it's too late what if it's the same dark coming the same dark what if it's the same dark coming the same dark oh fuck it all then i spent the summer trying to be sweeter i spent the summer staying in i ran a mile and then another spent my nights by hospital beds what if it's the same dark coming the same dark what if it's the same dark coming the same dark well then fuck it all fuck it all

🌕🛁🎶🎚️🎛️🎹🎶🎚️🎸🎚️🎶🛁🌕

dont you know i've always been this way i look to you through the workweek and i love a man in uniform cause he loves me like a slot machine from the valley of loose women in the cruel light of morning call out my name like something from the bottom of a well oh how i want how i need how i cling to your sleeves til they're like lacerated sails but in the night i am someone else dont you know it's always been the same a pure woman is hard to find to come by these days and i know the looks of urge and scorn and i know the role im meant to play the role of the other woman who will spend her life longing call out my name like something from the bottom of a well oh how I want how i need how i cling to your sleeves til they're all fucked beyond repair but in the night i am someone else yes in the night i am someone else oh in the night i am someone else

[pillarsalt]

if this seems like a weird question feel free to ignore it! but.. if youve felt it, how do you deal with the guilt of "waking up" from transition and the narratives around it right now? i know logically in my mind that the current state of gender as a concept is a rehash/rebranding of old regressive standards, i know its not logical to do surgeries on young mentally ill and neurodivergent people who are in distress, i know that something cant be a social construct and biologically innate at the same time, and i know that the idea of "passing" or "transitioning to a woman" is misogynistic as hell, but i still feel bad for voicing or even thinking of any of it as wrong.

the majority of my friends are socially drowning in these concepts, and i cant even find any real lesbian friends, let alone someone who i might wanna date someday. i love them, but almost all of the same sex attracted women in my life hate themselves to some degree for being born women and try to seperate themselves from what they think womanhood is. it makes me feel hopeless as a detransitioned lesbian. any advice is appreciated :/

this got long so here's a cut:

I'm not a detransitioner myself, but I know there are many women on here and detrans lesbians specifically who would understand what you're going through. Anyone who'd like to reach out to anon in the notes is welcome to do so.

I do totally get what you mean about feeling guilty, even though your views are logically reasonable and feminist. Unfortunately that's by design: emotional manipulation and groupthink is how trans activism keeps people entrenched. No debate, anything that isn't immediately and entirely validating is simply evil, it's all black or white to them. There's no room for grey when just a little bit of poking and prodding can make your entire movement collapse in on itself.

I think it's quite common, I've heard it from many women, and myself included, that even after realizing the harms of gender ideology, we tend to examine ourselves and our beliefs over and over again because what if we really are evil fascists like they say we are? But every time, it turns out that no, we just care about women's rights to legal recognition and protection and equal opportunity, and patients' (especially children's) rights to responsible and ethical healthcare. Remember that when you feel you must be wrong because your opinion is currently in the minority. What's right is right, no matter how many or how few people believe it.

The other thing is, I've been watching this issue evolve for years now. I genuinely believe the tide is turning and people are seeing the misogyny inherent to this ideology. Most

In my personal life, most of my friends buy into gender ideology. A couple of them identify as nonbinary, although I'm not as close with them. It is a hard tightrope to walk. Honestly I don't get too emotionally attached, as much as I can help it, because I'm ready to lose them as friends if it comes to that. If they directly asked me my opinions I would share them, and I've always been prepared to. They never ask. I have a feeling most of them know I disagree with their views on gender but don't want to "have to" cancel/ostracize me, so the subject never comes up. Funnily enough, the friends with whom I do talk about my views openly are men. I think women, generally being socialized to care deeply about others' feelings and wellbeing, are more likely to have these feelings of guilt when going against the societally ~nice, kind, polite~ thing to do, so are more likely to stay close to the groupthink mentality of "we're good, they're bad, continue doing what we say is good and you can keep being good too". And when you see what happens socially to women who speak out against genderism, yeah it's terrifying to face that yourself.

All that to say, I get what you're feeling. It's lonely and isolating to think differently from the people around you but not feel safe to express it. Especially so for lesbians and bi women who want to date women but find that dating women now comes with the extra exhausting step of avoiding believers of gender nonsense everywhere you turn. But you are far, FAR from the only one. There are a ton of other women in your situation, they're looking for women like you. Don't give up. It's hard but it's worth it. I don't have experience with it myself, but I know of quite a few women who met on tumblr and ended up in long term irl relationships. There are also quite a few rad-related discord groups, some specifically for lesbians as well. Seriously, tumblr has become a great resource for connecting with other feminists. And even offline, there are far more women around you who think like you but are also too afraid of the backlash to speak out. Keep looking, don't give up.

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[cookiekat-blogz]

Why do Akutagawa and Atsushi fit Yin and Yang so well?

may or may not be inspired by some sskk rant I saw on tumblr a few months ago (I'll reference if I remember the creator) and a Pinterest post w this template:

Has anyone else ever notice how yin-yang Akutagawa and Atsushi are? Yeah they are both orphans that were taken in by Dazai and "abused by their handler" ('handler' is wild ngl) but in the main series Atsushi is more Yang and Akutagwa is more Yin, character wise, and even design wise. Yet, in Beast (a spin-off where Akutagawa ends up in the ADA and Atsushi ends up in the PM) the roles are reversed and Aku is more Yang and Atsu is more Yin, further emphasizing that this difference between the two isn't accidental (not claiming simply speculating).

Akutagawa is relatively bad but he has shown how he could be good, in the main series, Wan, and beast. he's undeniably a good brother (just look at how much he cares for his sister in beast, he even joined the ADA and made it his purpose to find her after he learned that she was in the mafia.) He keeps promises, hates meaningless torture-- which believe it or not shows a bit about his character-- (haha he does have emotions even if it may be stemmed from a deep psychological trauma). He also has a mainly dark but light accent wardrobe, from the ends of his hair to the very same accessory that he can't even name. help I ran out of good character traits I think I'm failing

Atsushi is relatively good, and even seems to be blind to it at times, but he has shown his not the best traits. He's kinda like Gon, but less merciless, even when it comes to fights with Akutagawa (sometimes). His good:bad ratio is pretty skewed though, no matter how much he may envy or hate his kindness kinda just... drowns it out. Evil headmaster dies? cry. Evil goth boyfriend partner dies? scream. Evil American enemy still lives? team up with him. Evil 14 year old serial assassin in the port mafia exist? save her.

Although, he's pretty rash/blunt (that Dazai diss was wild aku didn't do anything to deserve that) and its also shown in wan and other scenes in the main series that he would probably participate in a 2017-19 roast battle(hj) and holds some strong grudges. (help I ran out of bad character traits he's too good, its like he's so good and he doesn't even try.) Butttt apperence wise, his singular black hair streak in a head of light whatever-colored-hair (in contrast to Akutagawa's) and accents of black (suspenders, tail-belt-thing that moves as if he was Cat Noir, tie, gloves, pants, shoes) do what Akutagwa's 19th century ruffles do best. Be utterly useless and ugly and feed into the theory that he is a time traveler Contrast.

Now for beast. I'll make this one shorter:

Akutagawa takes Atsushi's role. in this he represents 'in light there is darkness' perfectly. he's on the 'good side' and has the noble goal of finding his sister and his color pallate is lighter but he is still pretty quick to judge and isn't open or super kind.

Atsushi is considered ruthless (because of how violently and mercelesly quick and cold he kills but its really the tiger) but he himself admits that he is scared, scared of it all, especially death (or something like that) so to over come his fear of death, he must become it. That's it. He became the 'god of death' because of his fear of it. His color pallate is much darker and the lightest parts of it is the tiger fur on his coat and his natural features like hair and eyes. He's on the side of 'bad' but he even betrayed dazai for kyouka because he cares about her too much and that part of him he cant change. he will always want to protect all the orphan kids that were suffering like he was because he cant bare to see it, so yeah, in darkness there is light.

Basically, Shin Soukoku canon because opposites attract.

(this is from #9 1/2 of my "why Akutagwa is the best bsd character ever" post)

[thiagowrites]

warnings: angst with no comfort, people (2) die in here lol, 1363 words, description of death, brief mention of killing(?), no use of y/n, They/Them pronounce used

Also posted to my wattpad, part 1

I′m going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

he had you back, yet he didnt. you were there but so far away. he had you physically but mentally you remained gone. the Simon he once was was still buried away, his guard high up again. you were lying there, still motionless, he was sitting there, still numb. he would always be without you, at least to the outside. in reality, he was drowning in pain but he didnt let anyone see. never again.

I need somebody to heal, somebody to know

Somebody to have, somebody to hold

It′s easy to say, but it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

you helped numb his pain, helped him heal and now you were the cause of his pain. you were his rock, his shoulder to cry on but now you were gone. not physically, no, you were there, in the hospital bed across from him. They had found you but you were long gone. 638 days. that is how long he didnt see you, didnt smell you, didnt feel you, hold you. the you that he knew was gone, mere pieces remaining somewhere under all the bruises, under the blood, under the trauma. god, he hated himself for leaving you for almost 2 years. somewhere deep inside he also hated you, for making it so easy to love you.

Now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you're not here to get me through it all

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

it had been 2 days since you got into the Hospital, and still no sign that you were gonna wake up. Simon was losing hope all over again, losing himself to alcohol and self-pity. drowning like he did when you were gone. he didnt know when night began and day ended, didnt leave your side for one minute scared that if he did, you were simply going to disappear out of the dark hospital room. It was only now when you were back that Simon realized just how much he was getting used to your love, he never knew what people meant when they told him: You only begin to cherish love when it leaves. until now. now he understood because you were his only love, and you were leaving him.

I′m going under and this time I fear there′s no one to turn to

This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you

Simon never cared for others much, only your feelings mattered to him. he always told himself he was either going to love you with everything he had or he wasnt going to love you at all. so he did, he loved you to the best of his abilities. and now he was seeing where that got him.

Now, I need somebody to know, somebody to heal

Somebody to have, just to know how it feels

It's easy to say, but it′s never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you're not here to get me through it all

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

it has now been 2 weeks and you were still not awake. Simon got back into old habits, drowning himself in cigarettes and alcohol, trying to forget what the doctors told him. he was imagining you to get better, but that was all it was: his imagination. In reality, you were kept alive by machines for the past week. he told himself you were going to get better, that your body just needed more time, but with every passing day he lost hope, he came to the realisation that maybe your time had come, but did he want to believe it? no. No, he couldnt believe that so instead he kept lying to himself. Theyre getting better, theyll wake up, they wont leave me, they cant leave me I wont let them. These were his daily thoughts.

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes

I fall into your arms

I′ll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

it had been 4 months now. not since they found you, no, since the doctors told him there was no more life left in you, it had been 3 months and 16 days since he buried you 6 feet under the ground. since Ghost buried Simon with you. there was no light in Ghost's life anymore because you were his only light, he would have buried himself with you, and the only thing keeping him from doing that was John Price. so instead he closes his eyes and pretends, he pretends you never went missing. that the last 2 years of his life never happened. that he was here, in your arms.

For now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you′re not here to get me through it all

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

The day of your funeral was the day he swore to himself he was never going to love anybody else, his heart only ever belonged to you. he wore you close to his heart, put your wedding band on a necklace and your dog tags always in his breast pocket. he spent his days working as much as he could to distract himself from the pain. this often got him cused out by Price but he couldnt take a break, he knew he would lose himself at the thought of you again.

But now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you're not here to get me through it all

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

it has been a year since you passed, a year full of pain, darkness, and recovery for Ghost. he still hasnt moved on, and he never will be able to. the last year was spent finding information about the bastards who took you from him and today was the day, he had finally gotten revenge for your death. it didnt end ideal for him though, turns out that taking on an enemy all by yourself wasnt that easy. but he didnt care how much it hurt, he didnt care he disobeyed orders and he didnt care that he was bleeding out right now. because it was for you. anything he ever did was for you and only you. it all didnt matter to him because even though he always thought dying would be painful he found comfort in it, he didnt know if it was his mind playing tricks on him but the blood he lost warmed him, it reminded him of the warmth you once gave him. his mind got cloudy, vision being overtaken by black spots and it felt like he was falling into an ocean, the deep and dark water taking him in and not letting him go. he saw his life, all the pain and the lovely moments you created, flow before him. he saw you, looking amazing on your wedding day. he felt you, hugging him after he proposed to you in the middle of the field just when he thought he was never going to see you again. and he smelt you, oh that beautiful smell of you. and with all these senses of you and only you surrounding him, he took a deep breath, a breath that was going to be his last. he took it and with a smile on his face, he began his journey back to you. wherever that may be.

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

[sitp-recs]

FINALLY read heal thyself as per your recommendation (it's been in my marked for later for months yet somehow I kept forgetting?) and it's just as amazing and beautiful as everyone said, cant believe I haven't read it sooner. There's no real purpose for this ask I just feel the need to gush about it with someone who I know understands😭❤️ but her draco is perfect, his characterization, redemption arc, it's everything I never knew I needed. Reading about his struggle and determination to be good—and finally being able to celebrate the rewards of his hard work was so touching? to witness... I literally had to take breaks because of how much this fic made me feel. Going to spend the rest of the night drowning in astolats fics

Ahh anon your ask got me emo all over again, I love this fic so so much and I’m so pleased that you also felt transformed by it! Sharing this feeling of awe and mutual understanding about a fic with another reader is something really special. HT is hands down the best Draco arc I’ve read in years, which is not surprising if we consider not only Astolat’s talent but also the fact that this fic is 100% Draco-centric and for the most part of it there’s no Harry or romance to distract from his individual journey.

I love how you described his redemption path, the fact that for once he got to make a choice about his own life, then reaped the fruits of his hard work (and how brilliant is that he decides to pursue Healing out of pride and spite? So on brand 😂). I think you chose a perfect word to describe our experience “to witness…” that’s exactly how it felt, a privilege to watch him getting the nuance and character development he deserved. I appreciate that Astolat took the time to explore his arc over the span of a few years, it made his success and happy ending even more powerful and satisfying! I can’t think of a better way to spend the night than reading the rest of her catalogue, you’re in for a treat!

Lol okay you gave me an impossible mission there, I gotta say similar characterizations are very hard to find outside of Astolat’s work, her Draco is very peculiar after all. And I feel like HT is unparalleled way beyond his characterization. I’ve been in the fandom for two decades and have never read anything like it before or since. So leaving any comparison efforts aside I’ll suggest these, which have some of my favorite Draco arcs:

The Compact by astolat (E, 64k)

Hermione frowned. “The real question is why the magic of Britain would be failing now, in fact.”

A Young Radical's Guide to Love by blamebrampton (T, 66k)

Memories of the war are still fresh, which is all the excuse Decent People need to do appalling things. In this quietly waged conflict, Draco Malfoy is happy to be on the right side of things for once, and even happier to find he’s not alone.

Who we are in the shadows by quicksilvermaid (E, 100k)

What happens when you’re forced to become the very thing you despise? Ex-Auror Harry Potter, tossed out of the Ministry for something he had no control over, has been looking for a way back to his former life.

A Thousand Beautiful Things by geoviki (M, 104k)

Draco Malfoy struggles with changed fortunes, shifted alliances, an ugly war, and an unusual spell, with the help of a concerned professor, an insightful house-elf, and an unexpected Gryffindor friend.

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

By the Grace by lettered (T, 140k)

Harry is an Auror instructor. Malfoy wants to be an Auror.

And some short fics you might enjoy as well:

And Save Me From Bloody Men by blamebrampton (T, 10k)

Draco Malfoy once watched others fighting to stop the world falling apart. This time, he's not just watching.

Rebuilding Draco Malfoy by khasael (E, 11k)

Draco wants to do something to get his life back on track, but no-one seems to be taking him seriously – until he finds himself in an Auror training session led by Harry Potter.

The Loathly Worm by Selden (E, 12k)

When Draco Malfoy is forced to go undercover among the remaining Death Eaters in the aftermath of the war, the last person he expects to find there is Harry Potter.

Unfinished Business by cupiscent (E, 20k)

Ten years after the War ends, Harry and Draco still haven't got their act together. But maybe it's not too late.

Vortex by xanthippe74 (T, 20k)

Who would want a soulmate who was a schoolyard bully, a Death Eater, and a convicted felon? Certainly not Harry Potter. And Draco is determined to take this secret to the grave.

Slithering by astolat (E, 27k)

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

[stampsthemeow]

pretty please tell me everything about the character with flowers as/on their face

they look so cool

okayokay okay :3333333 Tw for mention of sexual trauma (no details just mentioned it happened) Full ref under the cut (since its just a fullbody of him its stuidly tall so i put under cut) Info on Him: - His name is Halo, 19 yrs old, and is dating Zach & Dale, he/him + doesnt label his sexuality (he does NOT kiss girls tho dawg) - often prefers non verbal communication (he can speak but just can but uncomfy to due to the flowers being stupid) - stupid Christian boy with religious trauma, due to his parents being extremely religious and forcing all of it onto their kids (i have no clue how he still believes in god after that + living in the slendermansion) - His soul is a gold colour, the "power" he has is the flowers, they are *meant* to help healing and close wounds, Its a power that has belonged to others (in au Zach and Twil both had the power at some point in time), Its meant to go away after being healed but well, that obv has not happened, - The reason it has stayed, and is now his permanent power unlike the others, is due to his face being burnt (drunken accident with fire) in a way the flowers cannot properly heal, but they will not go away until healed & him being disabled (broke his legs and then never got any sort of medical help about it so now hes kinda fucked) , which also prevents the flowers from leaving - I wont go into detail but he does have sexual trauma which he still struggles with what it caused - within the mansion he is friends/friendly with Ticci Toby, EJ, Tim, Brian, and Jay, does not Like jeff the killer or Ben drowned, is neutral with everyone else -he cant properly kiss because of the flowers, but he can control them slightly (make the petals move a little) so just rub against with the petals yippee kiss -insert other stuff later idk anythign else theres prob more im not thinking of Info about him being created/outside of au stuff: -I created him back in 2021-2022 ish (i have no clue what year i never talked about him til wayy after his creation) as a partner for zach lmao, I kept trying to ship Zach with random girl ocs i made but noone stuck, then i made a dude and dumbass is still here

-before the flowers his power was just being deer (ears, tail, antlers), but that didnt last long obv -if/when given ears&tail i am giving him little kitty ears and a small deer tail

him (idk the cut disspeared before so its back)

[sowthetide]

heyyyyyy *saunters saucily into your ask box* congratulations! you have written a character so appealing that i cant stop thinking about her! and considering shes an alternate version of an already fictional character, i literally have no one else to bother about the brainworms she gives me. so, youre stuck with me. (side note if you do get sick of my endless asks just say the word and i will limit myself to like. two per chapter. probably. i can be normal i promise) ANYWAY i was listening to incredible amazing bigbrained theon playlist this morning and foreigners god by hozier came upand. the way i see it, in asoiaf canon theons one of the characters with the most interesting relationship with religion. he has the conflicting background, and doesnt really seem to connect with either. which isnt bad, not every character needs tk be spiritual, yet he is also some sort of mesiah figure??? like he has visions and talks to the weirwoods and has SO MUCH religious imagery like im not gonna get into it all but dude literally got crucified?? at a stake??? shit idk man. i like it. i like the part where he swears by the seven WHILE AT THE ISLANDS BEFORE HIS DEATH BAPTISM CEREMONY bbg theyre not pagans. but but but back to quenn- i feel like this is more emphasized in her story? maybe thats just me being delusional but (she lights insence in the sept after cat leaves hahahha im normal about this i swear) shes been abandoned by ALL the gods but still prays??? and for what??? stability???? hope?????? shes can seem like such a pessimist at time, a down to earth realist at best, but SHE STILL PRAYS. to what god???? im not very eloquent with words but you should listen to foreigners god the end byeeerer

-TeaInABowl

Why, hello again ;-) You're so nice to me 🥺 I really appreciate it cause I've been dealing with some Family Issues lately ❤️

Also, you do not have to tell ME about the pain of Quen brainworms!!! Thank god I have goddcoward, Ashen_Onion, and, of course, Y'ALL to scream with about Quen with, because otherwise I'd have probably lost my mind by now. Never worry about being normal because I've spent the last year being increasingly Unnormal about Quen, with extensive daydreaming about all of the Saw traps I have/will put her in.

You've reminded me to update my Quen playlist (the link is around here... somewhere...), but I also reallyyyy need to finish my Theon playlist too... eventually...

But back on topic! Yes, Theon's relationship with religion is such an interesting part of his character, and it's something that really drew me to him while reading (as someone with a complicated/agnostic outlook on religion). He has an unusually strong connection with the North's old gods, which is especially apparent in his ADWD chapters (which are some of GRRM's best-ever chapters, I will die on this hill), and I can't wait to see how that (hopefully) intersects with Bran's journey in TWOW.

I took this aspect of Theon's character and ran with it for Quen, as she has a lot of exposure to all three of the main religions in Westeros: the Drowned God during her childhood on the Iron Islands, and the old gods + the Seven during her time with the Starks. Quen has a closer relationship with the Seven in particular, due to her closer relationship with Catelyn/Sansa/Arya/Septa Mordane (by nature of being female in this 'verse), but she oscillates between all three when the occasion calls for it.

What is she praying for? Does she even believe in any of these gods? Who knows! Quen certainly doesn't. But she'll pray to the gods of the people she loves, so their gods might protect them. Also, as my dad would put it: "there are no atheists in foxholes". This is to say, Quen will cling to whatever gods get her the hell outta this clusterfuck in one piece. And, unfortunately, she finds herself in an inordinate amount of clusterfucks. She's clusterfucks Georg, really.

"Foreigner's God" is Thee Theon song fr. We all listened to it and collectively went THEON 🫵 If anyone has any other Theon song recs, I am always open to suggestions... 👀

[kinnsporsche]

Thank you for your kind words on my AITA for calling the police on my sister.

I'm sorry you've been through that. It's very rough and it's hard especially in situations where the child is abusing a parent.

hiiii op!!! (context, it's this @am-i-the-asshole-official post)

my brother was around the same age, maybe a little bit older, when everything went down with them. when i was growing up he'd always been abusive to me physically and emotionally (the worst thing i remember is him pushing me into a bunch of thorns and nettles and then him and his friend shooting me with a bb gun and when i was super young maybe 4 or 5 he hung my toys from the ceiling with rope) but he didn't start getting physically abusive with my own mum until somewhere between 16-18.

unlike your situation, i was young so i was home with my mum when it happened and so she never had to ask for our help, but i do have core memories of her hiding me and my little sister behind her whilst my brother was going off on one, i remember him shoving her and her hitting her head on the counter and splitting her eyebrow open and there was blood all down her face, i remember her having bruises all over, i remember him holding a knife to her, i remember her pulling one back to defend us (i was 11/12 which made my sister 7/8 at the time) and for most of his teenage years, he never changed. my mum made a lot of excuses for him until it got really bad - he was abused by his own dad (not my father, he's my half-brother) and she felt guilty for that, she felt like she messed up his childhood so this was her fault and she deserved it.

i dont think she started to understand how bad it was until the knives got involved, until he brought a group of people into our house whilst some man waited for them outside and threatened to tie everyone in the house to the back of his car and drive around our estate, until i, a twelve year old child, had to go up against him to protect my own mum whilst she was bleeding on the floor until my dad came over and got him out of the house. and after that is when my mum also became heavily involved with alcohol and alcoholism and lost herself until i was about 16/17. she's okay now, we're both in good places and super close, but i lost my childhood to the both of them because of how bad things got with the abuse and the drinking. i was kicked out of my own house at 14 iirc, i have ptsd (which fucking destroys my memory hence the broad age range bcs i cant remember shit), depression, social phobia, and anxiety from it all, i'm still scared of my brother, i'm terrified of confrontation, i have attachment issues, but the worst part of it all are the nightmares and the flashbacks. my mum doesn't know i have them, i've only told a few people, but they happen regularly. most recently my brother in one of them my brother tried to drown me and poured scolding water on my face so theres that.

op you did the right thing by showing her that there's consequences for what she did, if your mom was willing to let it lie, i am 100% sure it would and might still will grow into a situation like my brother. i cant believe there's people on that post claiming yta for calling the cops on your sibling when they laughed in the face of your own mother almost dying at her hands. yes acab, we know this, but until there is a better system in place to help and protect in situations like this, what else are you supposed to do? wait for your sister to one day do too much damage that your mom can't recover from? fuck no you have every right to defend your mom from her and, even if your mom understand it now, one day she will, especially if your sister continues to walk such a dangerous path.

please please see what i went through as a warning, and if you want to share this with your family so there's even the slightest chance that they might see how bad things can get if she isn't punished for her behaviour, if it's left to fester and root, if she thinks she can get away with it, then please send it to them. i'm wishing nothing but love and safety for your family, especially your mom.

[mothersmalice-a]

post five songs that remind you of your muse. ( marked under keep reading for the sake of everyone else's dash. )

Crying Lightning - Artic Monkeys ( there are a few things abt this that scream NL-era marisa to me, but my favourite comes from the idea of "crying lightning" acting as a metaphor for the silver guillotine. )

The next time that I caught my own reflection / It was on it's way to meet you / Thinking of excuses to postpone / You never looked like yourself from the side / But your profile could not hide / The fact you knew I was approaching your throne With folded arms you occupied the bench like toothache / Stood and puffed your chest out like you never lost a war / And though I tried so not to suffer the indignity of a reaction / There was no cracks to grasp or gaps to claw. And your pastimes, consisted of the strange / And twisted and deranged / And I hate that little game you had called / "Crying Lightning" / And how you like to aggravate the icky man on rainy afternoons. / Uninviting / But not half as impossible as everyone assumes you are.

Starchild - Ghost Quartet ( a little more somber than what i'd usually think of for her, but i think its a very fitting song to sum up certain instances regarding things like her upbringing & her work, especially via these two verses )

When I was a baby, I was blessed by a stranger / in waters I didn't understand / and now I'm infected with disbelief and blasphemy / I'll never have a holy land / I am a ghost in the eyes of my God. A billion light years away, someone's thinking the same thing / But he's already turned to dust / And the starlight I see is a billion light years old / A ghost just like the rest of us / Nothing I see is here anymore.

Dream Girl Evil - Florence + The Machine ( believe me i'd put the entirety of Dance Fever here if i could, but this, King, Daffodil and Restraint all remind me of her in different ways. )

Did I disappoint you? / Did mommy make you sad? / Do I at least remind you / Of every girl that made you mad? / Make me perfect, make me your fantasy / You know I deserve it / Well, take it out on me. Am I your dream girl? / You think of me in bed / But you could never hold me / You like me better in your head / Make me evil, then I'm an angel instead / At least you'll sanctify me when I'm dead. Watch me shimmer (shimmer) / A projection of your mother (mother) / But don't come crying (crying) / I am nobody's moral center / It cannot hold, it cannot hold.

The Calling - The Amazing Devil ( mainly a song that reminds me of TAS but everything about this song is just so. oh my god. there are also verses i cant fit that absolutely fit her relationship with asriel. )

I look into the waters and see a face I don't understand / We're both unwanted daughters / But there's more than water in these autumn hands / I look into the waters and see a face I don't recognize / Who's this? (Who are you?) / "What changed?" I ask / "So strange, " she replies. Back then, I wasn't hopeful / But now my ink's blood-red, not black / And I'll blink like ripping envelopes / In the hopes that you'll write back / And on the banks of that river / I shiver as a fox stands frozen / And I close them, I close them, I close my eyes. In the waters, I see a face I don't want look back / Do you like my dress? It's got pockets / The rocks beneath my feet begin to crack / Oh, I look into the waters, long ago that current caught us / And we tried, I tried, I really fucking tried / But the rain kept coming down, I watched that woman drown.

Cassandra - Florence + The Machine ( i lied im putting another F+TM one here because the "oh drunken gods" verse will forever be about her to me. )

I used to move into the future, bring it all back / Let it bleed through my fingers, a treasure in my hands / Now I creep out when there's no one about / 'Cause they put crosses on the doors to try and keep me out / The garden's overgrown / And I run in the middle of the road. Take me back / Oh, drunken gods of slaughter / You know I've always been your / Favorite daughter. Well, can you see me? I cannot see you / Everything I thought I knew is falling out of view / And if I run fast enough, could I break apart / As empires crumble and cathedrals flatten in my heart?

tagged by: @evebeforethefall. ♡︎ tagging: anyone who sees this & would like to !

[adlibitur]

just having a bit of a moment honestly below cut-

the thing about this account being ~12 years old is that sometimes I slip into the past still on here especially the inbox i never cleared out and it drags me down like a riptide, leaving me face to face with myself of the past who I want to apologize for to every person whos known me. Its like a goddamn punch to the gut to want to shake myself and say "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. YOU AND THE INTERNET. YOU ARE TERMINALLY ONLINE AND IT IS RUINING YOU AS A PERSON AND YOUR LIFE" and i see messages between me and ____, and ____, and about ____ and I just feel like theres no level of apologizing for how fucking unhinged i was at points like at all. I was so unstable and so unhinged about these things and so fucking out there and no one fucking called me in check either like I wish friends would have or something? I dont even know if I would have listened but god fucking damn did I not know when or how to quit. and I'm sure this is just another example of me not leaving the past in the past but I've tried my hardest and it doesnt stay there. I've kept going and going and the past still haunts me like I could catch it if i spun around fast enough. And I am throttled by the guilt of how I acted in all of these cases and more every fucking day, and I try to push past that too but it feels like one more thing to magnify how I dont meet my own standards and i feel like I'm drowning in the feeling of needing to get on my knees and sob about how much I wish I could apologize, atone, and regret my behavior with all of my being. But I cant go back in time, so I keep trying so hard to be the best person I can be every day but I'm still so haunted by all the years past, and even further back too. I dont think I can apologize enough, and thats not to say I havent messaged those same people apologies likely on more than one occasion now but it still weighs so heavily on me and I think of new aspects to apologize for all the time. I dont know if I can ever shake this shit, its been so many years now and it still wont shake. Ive grown around it, used it in various ways to be and get better, but god it feels like shrapnel stuck in me that I've healed around- its still there. Like sure i was hurt but hurt is never an excuse for how I was acting and goddammit I dont even know what else to say. I just feel so, so much like I cant make up for what I've done even though it doesnt stop me from continuing to try to be the best I can be, I still feel like I'll never ever be able to compensate. I inherently believe I'm a bad person, or at least not good. Maybe neutral some days, but I just cant see myself as good- and I dont feel like its without reason when I look at all these inbox messages. It brings me to tears watching myself excessively destroy things I should have just dropped, wishing I could reach through time and shake myself, tell myself otherwise. but again not leaving the past where it belongs I guess. the worst part about this is being self aware at this point.

I dont know what else to say other than repeating myself more, this stuff makes me ache and I know some of yall freak out when I post long shit like this but I am literally begging those people to not bother me about this post, I just needed to vent.

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

so last night was the shit show of the united states presidential debate between the 2 inevitable candidates

and yes as funny as it is that it went so horribly and has funny as the mems are, this really isnt funny. we are literally doomed. theres no way around it. neither candidate will probably even live thru a full term but the damage the one could do would be so horrifically devastating it wont matter how short the term was. also both will lead us to war. and if putin doesnt kick the bucket soon NATOs gonna end up in WWIII. the only thing keeping countries like the US, Russia, North Korea etc from nuclear war is the mutually assured destruction of it. and trust that these men are just unhinged enough to put those keys in and press that button. as much as id love to think that ill be able to grow old and be happy i doubt ill live past 40 at this rate. this election is between a lunatic, unhinged, lying, womanizer who only cares about himself and a geriatric old man who entertains the lunatic. the worlds gonna end one day and that day seems to be getting closer and closer. we have 5 years before our climate damage is irreversible and no ones gonna do jack shit about it. ive accepted that within the next 30 years i will likely lose not only my rights as a human being but also my life at the hands of lunatic old men who have no sense of humanity. whether the nuclear war kills me, the boiling of the planet, or my own hand to avoid options 1 and 2 ive accepted i probably wont die peacefully at 104 in my sleep. ive accepted death as ive accepted i wont bring children into this awful world, ill never be able to buy a house, and ill be drowning in debt for the rest of my life regardless of how much i make. i try to think of the more immediate future like college and career options but i cant help but think abt these things. im 16 and worried about my future rights as a citizen, world war 3, nuclear holocausts, fascism in america and my inevitable death. i wish i could have some semblance of secruity in my government and in the world but at this point i dont even bother having hope. i want to change it somehow but unfortunately i worry that by the time i can change anything it will be too late. for fucks sake the 10 commandments are now required in louisianna classrooms and in ohio you must teach the bible in public schools. women and babies in the US are dying at an insane rate since the overturn of row v wade (americas federal protection of abortions) project 2025 just straight up exists and makes sure that not only do i not have rights as a woman, a member of the LGBT+ community but also that im a criminal by birth because my parents are 2 diff faiths. trump a felon and presidential candidate has called my fathers people vermin, sees women as playthings and only cares about himself and money. if there is one human on this planet that i thing god truly made a mistake in creating its him. tbh with everything going on in the world im not sure i believe in a god anymore (something that could also be a crime in project 2025). and haha yea laugh at america the laughing stock of the world, the meth lab that lives under canada but god help us if he becomes president. ive mentioned before that if that happens mt family will literally have to flee the states. imagine that, political refugees from the so called land of the free. despite the fact that both candidates suck one is significantly better than the other. if youre a US citzen over 18 PLEASE PLEASE VOTE BLUE.

american politics is a joke and its citizens are the punchline.

[glitchmoney12]

Yes, I am a dumb bitch who needs MY ASS BEAT for the lies and bullshit I caused on drugs. IM 2fucking 5 years old too old to be in this shit. I made such a fat ass mess in one night. I feel like Its going to take a lifetime to come back from. I had no idea what the fuck I was even doing or saying all I know is I’m going to rehab and I’m not coming out until I am healed.

That’s what addiction does to you, lie, cheat, and drown others. I said so many things I was unaware of and would NEVER say if I was conscious because they weren’t true at all. I am so deeply fucking sorry with all my soul I’m sorry.

I had every chance of fixing myself and didn’t so here I am alone as fuck like I deserve. Was I fake as fuck? Yes but that was not me that night otherwise I’d never. I lost both grandparents the night I fucked everything up so I spiraled and yeah.. a rampage is what you could call February 17th. Everything that I woke up to on my phone including what I put on my social media I do not remember. However, There is no excuse for my actions whatsoever I’m not asking for anything. I take full responsibility and accountability for my behavior.

 I’ve said things about people who I love and care about deeply, and I might have just burned that bridge forever. I don’t wanna hurt anyone and no one fucked up my relationships EXCEPT ME. Not you bro, not this other girl my barred out brain was putting it on either. It was more than just one friend …. Apparently I told  more people I wanted to beat their ass over nothing. 

Everyone deserves an explanation. Call me pussy for not texting back asap that’s fine. Time will let me calm down and be completely transparent once I’m clean and accept the fact that I can’t go back and change anything. You bro, you deserve an explanation even if you despise me. As embarrassing as it is I will show my face again and y’all can decline my return for apology.

To those I disappointed and hurt,  i’m locking myself away for a long time and I deserve every bit of coldness from you guys.

 I know you’re wish the worst for me and I am already there you were right.  damn bro I really made people hate me including you. You’re not a savior I can only save myself, and that’s what I’m gonna fucking do save my money, lock myself away and come back the new as fuck.  I can’t believe the shit I’ve done; none of  what I said about anyone during my drug spiral  was true I mean, how could I conjure the words to say that sober. I cant. Especially you bro I’ve had nothing but great times with you and I fucking can’t  comprehend what I said because it’s not fucking true. “It’s 2017 bro bro you so funny!!” Oh my god what a mess… my fucking bro bro..you hate me I know. I have never had anything but love for you.. and you know that, so what I typed out that night WAS MY DRUG INFESTED BRAIN.. and how could I. I never woke up and just wanted bad for my loved ones, but I understand if y’all hate me forever on.  I fucked up immensely, and if you never wanna talk to me again, I understand.

Been standing in my own way.  I’ll be bettering myself in hopes that one day I can be at peace and have a peaceful conversation with you about everything that happened and tell you all about my journey to recovery if you care to even here. I will one day like to invite you back to my new apartment, as a safe place, where my mind and my space is a comfortable sanctuary to bring you in. I  take responsibility for everything and anything.  You don’t even have to see me again if you don’t want to but I’ve known my friends for years now and I just can’t run from saying my peace and tying my lose ends.

I gave you my little diary for a reason. To sneak peak into the demons in my life that I’m finally killing bro. I trust only you with it and still do. Write in it still if you want to and be pissed at me, write me a death threat. Write me anything you want, if you want. I am so much better than all of this. I’m so sorry Jayline. Hot cakes con miel don’t taste so sweet when I don’t even recognize who I am. I have always had love for you and always knew we were only friends. Drugs made me say something different. One day I will come for forgiveness and you decide then.