#(i can have this in nyc or anywhere else really)

[buckysdollbarnes]

you are in love series - part one

one look, dark room

PAIRING: tfawts!bucky x grad student!reader

Summary: Moving to NYC to go to grad school, your friend's dad has a connection with the owner of a rental building in Brooklyn where you can live on your own, for cheaper than you could get anywhere else. On a student's budget, you strive to still make your place your own by thrifting as much decor as possible. Meeting your quiet and somewhat secretive neighbor, James, you gain some free labor to help you move the random stuff you buy, and with that he may be growing to love parts of the modern world he has been missing. With you in a big, new city feeling alone for the first time and Bucky wanting to make a connection with someone other than Sam and his therapist, maybe online marketplaces and a turntable will bring you both what you need most.

warnings: mild language

word count: 4.7k

a/n: this is my first time EVER writing fiction, usually I only ever write academic papers so this is fun. :) I read over and revised this chapter so many times, so I hope you enjoy it! Feedback is always welcomed and I'm excited to start on the next chapter.

a/n: also!! sorry for it being so long genuinely just so much had to happen in this chapter for it to be set up the way I wanted, which I think I did well enough. lmk what you think <3

Why did I think carrying this by myself was a good idea? It might be cute and a great deal, but I don’t think I'll be able to feel my arms tomorrow. I might need to hit the gym again before I find more bargains like this. Hell, maybe I'll even invest in a neck towel, because this heat is unbearable. I’ve been searching for some larger pieces to fill my apartment, and this vintage bar cart should fit perfectly. Just five more blocks to go.

Moving here alone has certainly come with its challenges: being on my own in such a big city, dealing with a lot of stress, and managing on a tight budget. But I’m determined to make it work though and prove everyone wrong. Growing up, you see so many romcoms where the heroine leaves everything behind to chase her dreams in NYC, landing a job at a magazine or fashion house, living in a gorgeous high-rise, and meeting the perfect guy. It’s a beautiful fantasy really, but the reality is much tougher. New York isn’t a movie set; it’s a real city with real people, and you have to work just as hard, if not harder, to be here. I know that, but it feels like a majority of my people back home DON’T know that I know that.

I came here for school. In about two months, I’ll be starting my Master’s program at NYU. I don’t think I’ve ever been as proud as when I received my acceptance email. I worked my ass off in undergrad to earn strong recommendations and good academic standing, and seeing it all come together was a huge relief—until the reality of the cost hit me.

Luckily, a friend's dad has a connection with a landlord in Brooklyn and got me a good deal on a place of my own. It’s incredible not to have a roommate in this market, especially in a place where your bed doesn’t touch your stove, though it can be a bit lonely.

Finally, reaching the stoop, out of breath, you set the cart down on the pavement. Wiping your brow, you notice the street is unusually quiet for this time of day. The city never truly sleeps, but the residential streets seem to take occasional naps. A little breath of air somewhere where it feels like oxygen is running out sometimes. Light filters through the trees, momentarily blinding you, and you turn back toward the building.

“How on earth am I going to get this up to my floor?”

Carrying it down the street was one thing, but hauling it up the stairs is a whole different challenge. Plus, who knows when the building's maintenance has last been here, the steps might not hold up under the cart’s weight. They usually feel like they could give away holding one person.

Deciding that falling to your death and being crushed isn’t really how you want to go, you open the double doors and drag the cart into the lobby, using the wheels on one side. Passing the main desk where the worker, who looks completely uninterested, engrossed in a crossword puzzle, you make your way to the end of the hall and start pulling the cart backwards up the incline of the stairwell.

“Nah, I can’t,” you say aloud, after struggling up two floors, letting the cart rest on the landing. There’s still three more floors to go, but your body is clearly telling you the cart belongs right here. Maybe the universe wants it to stay here—who knows, maybe the entire second floor needs a communal bar more than you do.

“Excuse me,” a quiet but rough male voice comes from behind me. You turn around to see him—a guy you’ve seen around your floor a few times, though you’ve never talked. One of the neighbors. You quickly realize you’re blocking the entire staircase.

“Sorry! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’ll move this um — just give me a second.”

You shove the cart closer to the wall to make some space for him to pass, but he stays put, his gloved hands in his pockets. He’s definitely handsome—tall and solid, but not intimidating. His furrowed brow and tight-lipped expression don’t exactly scream “welcome,” but he’s still got a certain charm.

He shifts a bit, clearly wanting to say something but hesitating. Feeling a bit awkward under his gaze, you decide to try talking to him again.

“You can just squeeze by if you want. It’s just really heavy, so I’m taking a quick break before I try lifting it up again.”

After a moment, he seems to make up his mind and asks, “Do you need help?”

Looking back at him, you consider saying no. You pride yourself on being independent and capable, and part of you wants to insist you can handle it. But then you think about the struggle of getting the cart up the last two flights of stairs—only this time, it's three—and decide against it.

“You wouldn’t mind? You’re headed down, I’m sure you’ve got somewhere else to be.”

He gives a little smirk that makes you feel a bit dizzy.

“Well, I’m already here so.”

You nod slowly, a small smile appearing on your face.

“Sure, you can take this end, and I’ll get this o—” you start to say, but before you can finish, he’s already in front of you, lifting the cart with ease and starting up the stairs without breaking a sweat.

“Hey! Be careful, uh—,” you pause, realizing you don’t know his name.

He picks up on your hesitation and hesitates himself, considering whether to give his name. He’s wary of how others might perceive him, potentially recognizing his name from past news broadcasts or papers, still dealing with the shadows of his past despite his efforts to make amends. Not wanting to be dishonest, he chooses the safe option.

“James.”

“Be careful, James. I don’t want you tripping and falling on my account.”

“Won’t happen, doll.”

“What-,” you start, caught off guard by the pet name, “what if it does?”

“It won’t, see?” With the last few steps, you and James arrive at your floor. “Already here.”

He must have seen you around before too, to know where you live.

He gives you a quick look and then carries the cart to your door.

“This is yours, right?” He turns and looks at you expectantly. You rush over, fumbling for your keys to unlock the door. If he’s willing to move it all the way, who are you to turn him down?

You lead James into your apartment, wondering if it looks anything like his. The layout can’t be that different; it’s not exactly a luxury building.

He strolls further into the room.

“You can set it right here,” you say quickly. “Thank you for bringing it up for me. I was honestly thinking about giving up when you showed up.”

Setting the cart where you indicated, he straightens up, rolls his shoulders back, and gives you a look that feels intense.

“It’s no problem.”

His gaze wanders around your apartment, taking in the mix of vintage furniture and eclectic decor. On a student’s budget, you’ve filled your space with secondhand finds. It’s more affordable and personal that way. The place might not be filled with new things, but it’s entirely curated by you. Finding beauty in the mix of old and new is something you do well, and now, thanks to James, you have one more piece to add.

James’s eyes land on your turntable setup. He seems intrigued by your collection of records but doesn’t say anything, turning his attention back to you.

“I have to go.”

Your eyebrows lift at his abruptness. Sensing your surprise, he quickly adds, “I’ve got an appointment.”

You nod vigorously, urging him to go and thanking him again for his kindness. Feeling a bit sad that this chance encounter with your new neighbor is ending so quickly, you call out as he heads for the door.

“I’ll see you around then? Since you live here too.”

He turns on his heel, giving you one last smirk.

“Yeah, you’ll see me.”

As he heads down the stairs, you shut your door and lock it behind you. Wandering over to where James’s gaze lingered, you pull an album from the shelf, lift the acrylic cover on your turntable, and set the record down. You close the cover, push play, and let the needle softly drop onto the vinyl. As the music starts, your mind drifts back to James.

Embarrassingly, you find yourself hoping this isn’t a one-time encounter. You don’t know much about him beyond his name, but there’s something about him that makes you want to see him again.

“Two hundred bucks for this is crazy,” you mutter to yourself, staring in disbelief at the sofa you’re eyeing on Facebook Marketplace.

“People are practically giving this stuff away.”

Not wanting to miss out on such a good deal, you message the seller to check if it’s still available.

Since you got the bar cart about a week and a half ago, you haven’t picked up anything else. With the July heat blasting, just thinking about moving a sofa in this weather makes you want to rip off your skin to cool down.

You can’t help but think of James, who you’ve seen briefly in the hallway since your last encounter. He just nodded as he passed by, and that was it.

Your phone dings, snapping you out of your thoughts. The seller confirms the sofa is still available and offers to deliver it since they have a truck.

Excited, you reply with a yes, and they let you know they’ll head your way soon.

You get up to rearrange your furniture, making space for the new sofa. You don’t have much to move since you’ve been slowly collecting things. As you shift the pieces around, your turntable stops, signaling it’s time to flip the record. After you do, you take a moment to picture how the sofa will fit in the space.

Then it hits you—moving a sofa is way heavier than the bar cart. If you struggled with that, how on earth will you manage this?

“Independent woman, my ass.”

With the delivery imminent, you decide on the only solution you can think of. Without hesitation, you head to the apartment across the hall and knock softly on the door. You wait, hoping James will answer. After a moment of shuffling and then silence, you start to wonder if you should just try something else.

Just then, the door cracks open, revealing half of James’s face. He looks curious but not annoyed—no one usually visits him.

“Hey! James! Great to see you again! I hope I’m not interrupting anything, but I was wondering if you could help me out a bit? I just bought a sofa from this marketplace deal, and the seller’s coming to drop it off right now. He said he’d deliver it, but didn’t offer to help get it up to my apartment. I realized a sofa is way heavier than a bar cart, and you saw me struggle with that, so I was kinda sorta hoping you could help me bring it up here?”

After your rambling, you offer him a hopeful smile, waiting for his response.

A few moments of silence later, that smirk you’ve been missing appears on his face. Opening the door wider, he comments with a grin.

“You bought another thing you knew you couldn’t get up the stairs?”

“I honestly didn’t think it through. The deal was too good to pass up. I’m really sorry for bothering you. I can try to find someone else if you’re busy.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t help, doll.”

The smile that blooms on your face is unavoidable.

As the delivery guy drives away, James shows you where to grab the sofa and effortlessly lifts the other end. He encourages you to take the lead, making sure the weight is on him as you both navigate the stairs. With minimal effort, you get the sofa up to your place.

After some awkward maneuvering, you finally get the sofa into your apartment through the thin door and set it down. You put your hands on your hips and exhale deeply, only to find James already looking at you with that same intense gaze from before. It makes you a little nervous.

You can’t help but feel grateful—there’s no way you would have managed this on your own.

“I could have handled the bar cart,” you say, nodding toward the cart now adorned with bottles in the corner, “but this? No chance. Thanks so much for your help.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he replies. “I wasn’t busy.”

As you look at him, you start to feel like you know him from somewhere beyond being just a neighbor. Maybe you’ve seen him around the city before you moved?

Brushing off the thought, you offer, “You’ve helped me out twice now, and it doesn’t feel right not to return the favor. If your whole evening consists of not being busy, why not stay for dinner? I promise I’ll cook something totally good and not poisonous.”

James looks surprised by your offer but quickly hides it.

“You don’t need to do that. You don’t owe me anything,” he says, not wanting you to feel obligated or uncomfortable. He worries that his presence might not be enjoyable.

He wishes he could be as charming as he was back in the 40s. Being friendly used to come easily, and if he were still the same person he was at 26, he wouldn’t have left so quickly after helping you on the stairs the first time. He wouldn’t have had a therapists appointment to go to and he wouldn’t have a hidden arm made of metal. He’d have asked you to dinner or for you to let him take you dancing instead in return for his brawn. Now, he struggles to make new connections beyond a few familiar faces, like Sam, and asking someone for a dance feels out of reach.

“No, no! Stay, I insist! It gets kind of lonely around here, doesn’t it? Why not have a friend dinner?” you press, hoping he’ll take you up on the offer.

Seeing your sincerity, though still feeling a bit miffed, he finally agrees.

“Yeah, sure. I can stay.”

James settles onto the sofa while you work in the kitchen. You’ve decided on making some stuffed ravioli and garlic bread—easy, delicious, hard to mess up.

Before getting into cooking, you switch out the record, letting new music drift softly through the space. Unbeknownst to you, James watches closely, paying attention to how you handle the records and the turntable. The care you take when putting a record back in its slip, taking a new one out of its dust cover, and gently putting it on.

Seeing you focused on cooking, James gets up and strolls over to your setup. He runs his fingers lightly across the spines of the record sleeves, feeling a surprising sense of comfort. He hadn’t realized people still used record players so often.

The setup looks quite familiar to him, with many aspects reminiscent of the record players he used back in his earlier days. In his life before this one.

As you finish preparing the pasta and pull the bread from the oven, you call out, “Hey, food’s ready!”

You glance back to see James hovering by the turntable. He quickly moves to the table and sits down.

Over dinner, the conversation flows comfortably. James seems to be relaxing a bit, his initial reserve fading. He’s still somewhat guarded, but what he does share is genuinely interesting. You sense that opening up is challenging for him, so you respect his pace and take whatever he is willing to give. Laughing with each other a few times and getting through some odd topics, he mentions that he hasn’t had a home-cooked meal in quite a while and thanks you with a smile.

After a pleasant dinner, you decide to bring up something you’d been curious about.

“You like records?”

Caught off guard by the question, James tries to answer without revealing too much about himself. It feels strange to be here, knowing you don’t really know who he is, but he worries that being too open might scare you away. He decides to keep his secrets for now, selfishly hoping to get to know you better before revealing more.

“Yeah, I used to have quite a few records as a kid. My ma would play them too, especially when she was cooking, just like you. I didn’t realize they were still so popular.”

Excited by this glimpse into his past, you push further.

“Oh, there’s definitely a huge market for vinyl. Lots of people who think it makes them superior, but also a lot who just love the physical aspect of it.”

“So which one are you?” he asks.

You laugh and reply, “Maybe a bit of both.”

You glance up at him from beneath your lashes, catching his rare smile.

“But really, I just like having it. There’s something different about the listening experience. It requires more effort than just hitting play on a playlist. It’s about choosing a full album and actually sitting down to listen. That feels more intentional to me, and that’s why I do it.”

James seems to ponder your answer, his expression softer than before. He then turns his gaze back to the turntable.

“So, since you mentioned you had records as a kid, do you not have any now?” you ask.

He shakes his head.

“Haven’t had any for a long time. Talking about it makes me miss them. Everything these days feels so complicated. I like simple things like that.”

Watching him as he looks away, you hesitate but notice the nostalgic shine in his eyes. You sense he might appreciate physical music even more than you do.

“If you ever get any and don’t have a place to play them, you’re welcome to use mine.”

He turns to face you, his expression unreadable.

“I mean, I know it’s not the most convenient offer, but it’s there. One record lover to another,” you add with a smile.

He returns your smile, saying, “Okay… thank you. I’ll keep that in mind, Doll.”

That night, Bucky lies on his makeshift bed on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and replaying the events of the day. You knocking on his door for help with the couch, inviting him over for dinner, and all the easygoing conversation you shared. It was such a stark contrast to his usual rigidity. He'd let his guard down just a little—letting himself smile or flirt ever so slightly.

He wishes he were better at this. It used to come so naturally. Hell, before he left for war, he’d gone dancing with both his own date and Steve’s at the same time. Now, he finds himself listening to you talk while struggling to share anything of his own.

He doesn’t want to pass up your invitation, especially since you’re inviting him into your space again. Clearly, his reserve hasn’t put you off too much.

“What would I even bring?” he wonders aloud.

All he’s ever listened to is 40’s music and big band. He doubts that’s readily available these days.

Rolling onto his side, he grabs the cell phone Steve had insisted he get before he went back in time to live his real life, without Bucky.

“You can do anything on here, Buck!”

Scrolling through the three contacts he has, he taps on the name of the guy who’s been trying to reach him for weeks.

“So, is there a valid reason why you haven’t picked up my damn calls?” Sam’s voice comes through.

“Sam, hi.”

“Did you finally learn how to click the screen? Is that why I’m hearing from you now, old man?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t like the thing. Too confusing,” Bucky says, grimacing as he fiddles with the phone.

“Okay, okay, what’s going on, man? You doing alright?”

“I’m fine. I just have a question and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t harass me about it.”

“Is it about wizards?”

“What?”

“Wizards. Is the question about wizards?”

“No, what the hell. Look, I had dinner with one of my neighbors tonight—”

“Was it a girl?”

“Does it matter?”

“Hell yes, it matters. And from that response, I KNOW it was a girl, so—”

“It doesn’t matter. She has a record player, which I didn’t know people still used, and she offered to let me use it, but I don’t have anything to play on it.”

“I’m not getting the problem.”

“I only like the stuff from the 40’s and—”

“Did you listen to that Marvin Gaye playlist I sent you?”

“Not interested.”

“C’mon, man, it’s good stuff. Give it a listen.”

“Not feeling it.”

“Alright, your loss, I guess. Still not seeing the problem though.”

“What do I bring? I can’t just bring around the stuff I know because where would I even get it?”

“Whoa, man, what do you mean, where would you get it? Just go to a record store and hit up the vintage section or something.”

Bucky pauses, mulling over Sam’s words.

“They have that?”

“Duh. You know, you could answer these questions a lot easier if you just looked them up on your phone—”

“Thanks, Sam. Talk to you later.”

Lying back down, Bucky decides that the next time he’s out to see his therapist, he’ll first stop by a record store to find something to bring over to your place.

Your easygoing presence was so comforting, and he found himself longing for it as he drifted off to sleep. He’d see you again soon enough.

Later in the week, as you wind down from a busy day, you focus on making your space as calming as possible.

You light some candles and turn on an orange floor lamp, the soft glow wrapping around you and setting the perfect mood to sink into your sofa with the book you’ve been neglecting.

You’ve just started settling into your reading when you’re jolted out of your half-nap by the sound of someone knocking on your door.

You get up and peer through the peephole, and there’s your dinner guest from earlier in the week.

Opening the door with a smile, you greet him.

“Hey James, unexpected visit! What’s up?”

His eyes linger on you for a moment before he speaks. You glance down and realize your outfit—shorts that really lived up to their name and a tank top—might not be the most guest-appropriate.

Brushing off your embarrassment, you look back up at him.

“I’ve got something I’d like to play, if that’s alright?”

Bucky’s mind races. Standing at your door, he worries maybe you only offered your place to be nice, and now he’s making a fool of himself. Of course, you didn’t want him there—he could barely talk.

Just as he’s about to get lost in his own head, your bright smile pulls him out of it.

“Oh my gosh, please, come in. What do you have?”

His doubt fades away as he sees your genuine excitement.

“Brought some Sinatra. Not sure if you’re into that, but I used to like his stuff when I was younger.”

You spin around abruptly, staring at him in disbelief.

“There’s no way you think I don’t know who Frank Sinatra is…”

Bucky stumbles over his words.

“Well, I mean, it’s not exactly new stuff so—”

“You think I wouldn’t know ‘Fly Me to the Moon’? ‘Singin’ in the Rain’? ‘New York, New York’? I mean, I even moved to New York—I had to get the romanticism from somewhere.”

“What are those?”

You pause, confused.

“Like, the most iconic Frank Sinatra songs. You are talking about Frank Sinatra, right? Not some other Sinatra I’ve never heard of?”

“No, you’re right, it’s Frank.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I guess I don’t know those ones.” He admits.

“So, what era are we talking about?” You ask, reaching for the record.

As you grasp the sleeve, you notice a glint of light catching James’s bare hand. Realizing he’s not wearing gloves, confusion sets in before it clicks. You HAD seen James before.

Looking up at him, he seems frozen, obviously panicking. He planned to tell you eventually, but not like this. Not when you weren’t close enough yet.

He thought there is no way you are going to want anything to do with him now.

You thought there is no way was there's an actual Avenger in your apartment right now.

You’re frozen, just like him, but more in shock rather than fear.

“Do you… usually go by James?” you ask cautiously.

Hesitating, he shakes his head.

“What do you usually go by then?”

Bucky feels anxiety creeping up his back. You’re both still holding the record, and he can’t tell if you’re scared or just surprised.

“Bucky.”

You stay silent for a moment while Bucky’s nerves are on edge.

“So… metal hand…”

Clenching his jaw, he replies, “Arm.”

“You’re that Bucky.”

“Yes.”

After a long pause, you start again.

“You’re an Avenger and you didn’t tell me?”

Bucky hesitates, his discomfort visible. “I’m— I’m not an Avenger.”

“What do you mean? You’re totally an Avenger! Why wouldn’t you tell me? How did I not recognize you before?” you ask, laughing in disbelief.

Bucky’s taken aback. You really thought he was an Avenger? You’re not scared of him at all, which surprises him. You must not know much about his past if you’re still standing this close.

“No wonder you don’t know ‘New York, New York,’” you say, almost to yourself. “It’s from after your time! This is crazy, I—”

You’re interrupted by his response.

“Are you not scared?”

“Of course not.”

Bucky closes in on himself, panic evident. “If you really knew me, you’d want nothing to do with me. I’ve—”

“I might not know the version of you you’re talking about, but I’ve met James, who helped me not once, but twice  carry stuff he definitely didn’t have to up the stairs, stayed for dinner, has been very polite to me, and has given me zero reasons to be scared of him.”

He looks at you, his piercing blue eyes revealing an internal struggle. That one look holds more weight than his words. You can see the battle within him, torn between his past and the present moment.

“Listen,” you say, finally letting go of the record, “if you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to. But I’m not scared of you, and I actually like your company. So, regardless of whether you’re James, Bucky, or whoever, you’re still welcome here.”

You pause, adding, “And we can still play this if you’d like.”

Bucky struggles with his inner turmoil. The idea that you know who he is but still want him around is foreign to him. He doesn’t feel worthy of the kindness you’re offering, but it’s been so long since he’s received such warmth that it’s almost impossible to turn it down.

He’s not comfortable with his identity or his past, but in this moment, he wants to push it aside. If you don’t care, maybe he can allow himself not to care, even if just for a bit. Maybe he can prove something to himself, or even his therapist.

Handing you the record, he relaxes his face slightly. You’ve always thought him handsome, but in the dim light of the dark room, he looks almost ethereal.

You’re hoping he believes you because your excitement for his company tonight feels more significant than it probably should, but you’re okay with that.

“I’m Bucky.”

You smile warmly at this change. “Alright, Bucky. What do you want to do?”

He gazes at you deeply, his look sending a shiver down your spine and warming your chest. “Play it.”

a/n: well, hope this was alright. as I mentioned before, ive never wrote fiction before, but ive definitely read enough to get the gist.

[rippedlovelines]

the merits of the twinyards learning to show their love for each other in slow stilted actions r a lot. for me. to me. little things. aaron buying andrew his favorite sweets because he remembers his picky eating tendencies; andrew throwing a blanket over aaron passed out in the living room after pulling an all-nighter. opening up more during their sessions w bee, angry accusations n cold statements melting into talking abt hurts n what shaped them growing up which becomes even conversation n learning abt each other more ( to bee’s not so small delight.)

the glares n perpetual scowls aaron once wore in andrew presence turn into smth more knowing n relaxed. he thinks one day he’ll be able to forgive andrew for tilda’s death; knowing the reasons behind it now, how andrew did it for his sake. (when he tells andrew that he thought he was going to die, during the days he was locked in that bathroom, his voice is raw. andrew’s face shutters. then, he says in what is possibly the closest thing to regret aaron has ever heard from andrew, “If I could make what you experienced during that time less painful, I would.” n really what’s done is done n there’s no going back, but aaron needed some sort of closure, smth, anything ! so he turns away n tries not to shake from all the emotions of what he’s feeling. andrew sits there n waits for him to return to normal.) andrew begins to make eye contact w aaron, he stops looking thru him—choosing to acknowledge his existence, instead. he sees how aaron is making an effort, clumsily attempting to prove that he isn’t letting andrew go, in spite of everything. (“ I’m not going anywhere. I hate you, but I’m still not going anywhere.” aaron says defiantly during one session where andrew said smth abt aaron going on his merry way after graduation. it shocks andrew. he stills suddenly n it’s v hard for him to look away from aaron’s blazing eyes. “Do what you like.” andrew replies stiffly. it’s acceptance n permission wrapped up in one.)

they learn how to mend the fragments of their broken past so they can both move forward. aaron releasing his resentment of andrew slowly but surely. andrew allowing himself to think of aaron as more than someone who will disappear one day, someone permanent in his life. they talk to each other !!! they meet up to do things—in complete silence sometimes, with small comments here n there in other times. after graduation, andrew goes to play on the east coast while aaron does med school elsewhere. it’s a big change. it’s difficult, often times. aaron will look next to himself with words on the tip of his tongue, then realize andrew is not around. andrew will look behind him as he traverses the streets of nyc, hand outstretched as tho to hold onto smth, a shirt perhaps, forgetting that aaron is not there.

But!!!

the two of them call each other once a year,month, week— the occurrences gradually becoming more n more frequent. 3 years pass by. andrew is in town for a game. afterwards, he meets up w aaron for a drink. it’s quiet. not uncomfortable. they take each other in n note how separation n time away has made the other different. aaron is in a good mood , hair shaved close down, face full, n nothing like the raggedy n hollowed boy andrew met years ago. aaron in turn observes how andrew’s eyes r half-lidded w smth one would call happiness if it were anyone else, but it’s js content for andrew; his arms tattooed beneath his armbands, n a looseness to his shoulders that aaron could not have ever believed andrew to posses once upon a time. after some small talk n a small congratulations from aaron for andrew’s team win, andrew slips a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket n shoves it at aaron, face blank. it’s a new team contract. it’s in the same city as aaron’s med school :) aaron decidedly does not smile, but sources say his lips quirked up a bit. they order cheesecake. everything is fine. they r brothers. they walk out together.

[queenlua]

i think the sheer magnitude of the sacrifice/dedication entailed in "Phoenix and Edgeworth flying to see each other during the 7-year Disbarment Era" is HUGELY multiplied if we assume the games are in fact set in California(/Japanifornia), since like. flying to euro!anywhere from the US west coast is SO fucking annoying

like, before i moved out here, i was like "oh haha all international travel is kind of a pain, anywhere in the US to anywhere else is the same...!" but that is a LIE. i know bitches who do casual weekend trips between NYC and London. you are not pulling that kind of stunt between Los Angeles and London. and also those three extra time zones really do push things over the edge from "with some forethought you can avoid getting too slammed by jetlag" into "ahahahah lmao have fun you're fucked" territory

[mylevisdontfitanymore]

A mix of the posts I see about Sebastian bulking for The Apprentice and Chris being in NYC for filming The Materialists have me thinking up my first-ever evanstan nonsense 🥺

I know they're both in long-term relationships now. Chris just got married, I knowwww, but let me wallow in this like a pig in the mud 😭����

I'm just saying that it would be awfully convenient for Chris to stay with Sebastian in his New York City apartment while he films... Plus, I would like to think that they already have a relationship going here. It's pre-established. Another thing I see about Sebastian on Tumblr is his submissive tendencies. There are so many signs and they make me all melt. So, they're together for the few months it takes to film The Materialists while Seb is prepping for his own film and they have their low-key dom Chris and sub Seb dynamic going.

Evanstan belly kink weirdness below! Warnings for slight weight-related insecurities (that are quickly smoothed over by Chris), kink discovery, sub!Sebastian/dom!Chris, weight gain, stuffing, etc.

One afternoon on a weekend when neither of them is required to be anywhere, they're just having a slow afternoon in as Seb confesses to Chris, finally, that doing this sugar-heavy diet - shotgunning cokes and snacking seemingly constantly on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - is kind of awful. He knows he shouldn't pout or complain because he's doing it to himself. He decided to take this film; he's the one who suggested that he physically go for it rather than relying on a fat suit like he did with Lee Bodecker; further, he shouldn't complain because it should be nicer and easier than his usual pre-filming routine. Like, he complains so much about his crazy diets and workout regime for every other role he takes (having defined abs is a job in of itself, after all). So, really, it should be nice to relax and stop restricting so hard. But it isn't.

Seb vents to Chris many more things, too. For example, not only how surprisingly tiring it is, he feels lethargic all the time, but also how much work it is to make room for all this food in his stomach. Even when he was bulking up and waking up in the middle of the night to eat a whole chicken breast, keeping his protein up, he didn't feel like he had to stretch his stomach in the way he has to now. Plus... he's kind of scared, he admits as he fiddles with his shirt, that he won't "bounce back" and if he never looks the way he did before, his career will go south. Hollywood is so vain. Even more frightening is his thoughts that maybe Chris won't like him as much if he can't go back to his old body after this.

Logically, Seb knows most of his thoughts aren't true but he needs someone else to say it back to him to verify those things. He's searching for something, someone in particular, to calm his swirling thoughts.

Chris does more than verify what he needs to hear - that he'll be okay, that it is hard to make such a drastic lifestyle change, that it is challenging to bulk with fat as much as it is to bulk with muscle, he's seen him struggle every day he's been here, and that, of course, his body doesn't matter to him. Seb can look however and Chris is still going to love him. Further, he can look however and he'd still find him sexy as hell. Chris reminds him extensively, until Seb is blushing, how he couldn't keep his hands off of him when he was filming Pam & Tommy and was the tiniest he's ever been, but also how fucking terrible filming Civil War was because all Chris wanted to do was shove Seb into the nearest dressing room and have his way with him rather than reciting lines. Not to mention, of course, every other role with every other body type he's had while they've been together. Chris can't get enough of him, not matter what the shape of his body is. But...

Seeing how pouting Seb is at that moment, Chris wonders out loud if it might help him feel better if this weight gain wasn't just for work. What if it was recreational, too?

Seb doesn't understand at first what Chris means but with more explanation, he does.

Oh.

What Chris means is that what if rather than just having to put on weight for work... what if they played a game like they do in the bedroom where Chris makes the orders up and Seb follows them until he's shivering with the feeling of being obedient and good. Not having any control, ceding it all to his boyfriend, and being praised for his subservience just the way he craves in exchange. In the bedroom, being taken care of how he needs to be, held by the back of the neck, stern, with a voice in his ear, firm and inarguable. Shit, Seb always leaves his body when Chris gets like that with him.

If Seb wants to play, Chris could order him to eat and eat until his stomach aches like he already has been doing. But it will be different because it will be because Chris told him to. And it'll be different, hotter, because if he does what Chris says, Chris can soothe his upset tummy however he sees fit. A reward for following orders. Chris can rub his belly for being a good boy and doing what he told him to. Devouring everything he told him to eat. Chris can kiss the apex of his rounded, stuffed belly and trail hotter, sloppier kisses down until he's hidden behind the taut hill of his stomach, sucking his dick until Seb busts down his throat. Chris can fuck Seb on all fours to let him feel what he did for him, how good he is, his belly hanging and jiggling underneath him without an ounce of shame because he did it for his boyfriend - feeling extra stuffed than he already does when he's fucked by Chris' thick cock.

Not to mention how, if that was the case with Seb eating for him and not some production, when Seb looks in the mirror, rather than being reminded of work and how exhausting it is, he'll be reminded of Chris. He will see his reflection widened, softened, and changed with evidence of what a good boy he is. His boyfriend's marks visible on his body in a way that they usually can't risk - no hickeys or bite marks anywhere that paparazzi can catch. Not even any mark as innocent as holding hands! Further, unlike a hickey, a bite mark, a collar... that weight can't be faded as easy. Chris' mark on him will last.

Chris has always been a little possessive, Seb is familiar with it and often enjoys it seeing as the possessiveness comes out as roughing him up, taking more control, and fucking harder. Ngh. And so, Seb can wrap his brain around why the weight would be sexy to Chris. He can believe him whereas before he was having trouble understanding what about being fat would be sexy to his unbelievably attractive boyfriend. Literally movie-star-hot. Talking like this, he can see it in Chris's eyes - they're locked onto him, the tiniest hint of a smirk on his lips, and one of his eyebrows is raised. His expression turned on and dangerous but with just enough of a question to let Seb know that if he refuses, he won't push or bring it up again and they will go back to normal.

Seb isn't sure if he can go back to normal after those words, though. Jesus.

Evidence of Chris on his body. All over his body. Not something he can take off easily yet something everyone can see. PLUS, God, the thought of Chris rewarding him, giving him treats, to coincide with daily orders? Seb isn't sure he'll survive. He'll be floating through days in a cloud of arousal, he can feel it already, just knowing that he's constantly pleasing his boyfriend, fulfilling his orders.

Possibly it's Seb's background experience of giving up control to Chris and getting his rocks off as a result that's giving this the appeal it has. But maybe... maybe there's something bigger here.

Bigger.

Something bigger like his ass. His ass that's been feeling considerably wider every time Chris can't resist but give him a teasing spank when they pass each other in his tiny apartment or the way he gropes him whenever they fall into bed now, taking handfuls of it. His flesh jiggles now in a way he didn't before and, suddenly, like a switch flipped right here, sitting on the couch with his boyfriend and talking, he's curious about how it would feel for there to be more meat on his bones. More fluff for Chris's big, strong hands to sink into. More to jiggle. He's...

Seb's mouth is dry, feeling like needs a drink. A coke?

He feels abruptly, intensely sexy in his own skin at the same time that he's thinking about getting bigger. Bigger and better to drive Chris insane with, flaunting how he can follow orders eagerly, not just eating as much as he tells him to but relishing in the eating, stuffing himself fast and moaning through bites, begging for belly rubs just to keep him close and have his hands on his body, exploring all the ways he's changing it to satisfy him. Gaining weight faster and faster, all to feel it but especially to hear Chris's praise and moans if he ever gets big enough for Chris to really fuck his pecs when he gets big enough for Chris to fuck his moobs.

Can we just admire how he squirms when he blushes? 🥴

[notinmymovie]

SAFE AND SOUND

Pairing: Sam Carpenter x gn!reader

Word count: 1k

Summary: After a chance encounter at a bar, you and Sam’s one night stand becomes habitual. You’re content to let her keep her secrets in exchange for her company that you’ve grown fond of, but one night changes things.

Warnings: Mentions of sex (no actual smut), nightmares/ptsd, mentions of death/murder, dealing with trauma

A/N: Not requested, a bit of angsty hurt comfort to soothe the soul??

The first time you meet Sam Carpenter—it’s in a tiny hole in the wall bar in NYC. You shared a similar humor and well, she was undeniably stunning. It didn’t take long before an exchange of sharp wit turned into flirtation. And eventually you went back to your place and shared a night together (a pretty memorable one too, you might add). You didn’t expect much after the fact, oftentimes a one night stand was a one night stand, and the other didn’t seem too keen on sharing a lot of information about herself.

But, to your surprise, she calls. You don’t believe this will go anywhere, you hold no preconceived notions about any of it. And first, you’re sort of right. At first, it’s just hooking up and her leaving early the next morning. You didn’t mind it, she was good company and it wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy it. You did hold curiosity about her though, this you couldn’t deny. But you didn’t want to push or invade her privacy, she didn’t owe you anything and you figured she had her reasons for not being open.

But one night things change, one night you wake up to her tossing and turning and mumbling in her sleep. You wake up startled and half groggy, she seemed…distressed. “Sam,” you say quietly, gently trying to nudge her awake. When her reactions get more frantic, so do yours. “Hey—hey. Sam, wake up.” you reach out to touch her again, to jostle her awake, when she bolts up screaming in a panic.

You notice her terror, checking her surroundings, breaths heaving. You don’t know what else to do so you simply try to get her to focus on you, an attempt to ground her. “Sam, hey,” your voice is soft, a gentle hand on her shoulder. “It’s me, you’re okay.” She still seems so on edge, seemingly refusing to look at you. “Can you look at me?” And when she does you can see the tears in her eyes. “You’re safe here.”

It seems like the words only induce more tears, so you simply pull her into your arms, letting her cry. “It’s okay,” you mumble. “You’re okay.”

The next morning, you don’t say anything—almost a little afraid to push it. Eventually it’s her that breaks the silence, “I’m sorry,” Sam says. “About last night. That was probably a bit weird for you.”

You shake your head, taking a sip of your coffee. “It wasn’t weird,” you say. “A little worrying maybe, that’s the word I’d use. You just seemed so—scared.”

Sam chuckles, an awkward and quiet sound. “I was…I guess sometimes you think you’re dealing with things so well and then something just—wrecks that thought to hell.”

“I’ve really tried not to like—overstep boundaries,” you start. “You don’t have to tell me anything, you really don’t. But if you wouldn’t mind, I’d maybe like to understand, I mean…” You pause, trying to collect your thoughts. “You had a panic inducing night terror in my bed last night, if you’re gonna be around this much—at least let me care a little.”

Sam looks almost a little surprised at that, “okay…I guess I owe you that much.” She sighs, clearly nervous. “Last year, I returned to my hometown for the first time in five years because my sister was attacked by a—masked psycho.”

Your eyes widen, “jesus christ, okay…”

“She survived, but there were other attacks. People who didn’t survive.” She continues. “And it…all came back to me.”

“I doubt you’re to blame for some nutcase wanting to get stab happy,” you say.

“There’s more to it…” She seems hesitant. “You’re probably never going to want to speak to me again after this,” Sam says.

“Try me,” you counter.

And it was like once she started she couldn’t stop, like she had been bottling it all up and now it was all flowing out over the top. She weaves her tale, the murders, the terror, and even her biological father. And now, the rumors that surrounded her because of it all.

If you were honest, yeah—it was a whole fucking lot to take in and part of you wondered if you were living under a goddamn rock to not know about at least some of this, but you were surprisingly calm.

“Say something please.” She says in the wake of your slightly stunned silence.

“Fucking hell,” words blurted out.

Okay, so maybe not that calm.

“Maybe say something else,” she adds, uneasy.

“That is…I would probably have nightmares too.”

“You’re not nearly as freaked out as I thought you’d be,” says Sam.

“I mean, I’m a little freaked out. But if you were going to go all Micheal Myers on me—I figure you probably would have by now.” You realize that was probably not the best response, but you were still just a bit overwhelmed. “Sorry,” you add haphazardly.

“I—it’s fine,” she says, shaking her head a little. “I didn’t do it, for the record. What everyone’s saying.”

“I don’t think murderers typically wake up in a panic after their killing sprees,” you say. “I get it.”

She sighs, “I really am sorry. I didn’t tell you or try to get too close because I didn’t want to drag you into anything.”

“I doubt anyone wants to open up to the stranger they’re hooking up with,” you say lightly. “And I can handle myself too by the way.”

“Yeah, but I do actually like you,” she says. “And I clearly should have told you that too.”

You grin a little at that heart squeezing. “That’s a relief, I didn’t want to be the cliche of falling for your friend with benefits all on my own.”

“I can assure you, you’re not alone.” She says, a soft smile that matches your own.

“Okay…good,” you say.

“Great,” she responds. The two of you were giggling now.

And for once, she doesn’t leave and suddenly the sunlight streaming in through your kitchen window feels just a little bit brighter and warmer. It all felt—hopeful.

[whateverthedragonswant]

I'm finishing up my rewatch of season 3 of The Boys before I begin my SPN rewatch (got 2 more episodes left) and watching Jensen's performance as Soldier Boy just absolutely floors me.

It floors me because I've seen antis time and time again claim that Soldier Boy/Ben was essentially Dean in a superhero suit, that Jensen has one note acting, that he watered down the character by refusing to do scenes that made him uncomfortable (especially by one anti blog in particular who claims to be an acting expert, you know the one), and that his acting is very bland.

But in studying his performance because I'm studying the character (for writing purposes), these people couldn't be more wrong. I will admit that the only time I got a semi-Dean vibe from him was during the scene where Soldier Boy tells Butcher about his father. Which doesn't surprise me because Jensen himself said he leaned into the Dean/John dynamic for that scene.

But otherwise, I don't see anywhere where their claims hold any water. I mean, have you actually watched his scenes?

This scene is so important. Annie is getting ready to face off with this guy and even though she knows he's dangerous (after seeing he results of one of his explosions up close and personal), but she has no idea how dangerous, not really. This isn't Dean. This isn't Beau. This is the dangerous side of Solider Boy and had Hughie not intervened, there's a good possibility shit would have gone even more sideways. Especially, with Ben coming off of the confrontation with Countess, her hitting him where it hurts the most (meaning she tapped into one of his biggest insecurities. That explosion wasn't an accident (like NYC or even at Herogasm with the Twins). Ben didn't black out here. That's shown to us by there being no Russian trigger, despite him learning that Countess and his team handed him over back in 1984 and didn't even get paid for it.

I mean, look at this expression right here. His body is moving but his eyes don't. He's getting into position, ready to take out the next threat. Only when Hughie steps in and Annie's eyes dim does he step away, assessing her as not a threat. This is the weapon that is deadly enough to take on Homelander and no matter where you stand on Jensen as an actor, he pulls it off here.

The physicality he utilized in this role speaks volumes. And it's not about Soldier Boy being a Supe or being in a suit or having to look pissed off all the time (minus the few times he's amused). It has to do with how he embodies that character, carries him, and if he pulls it off. Spoiler alert: he did.

This scene exemplifies exactly what I'm talking about. I have watched it countless times and this part of it always sticks out to me every single time. Look at that expression, look at the eyes. Ben is not going all out to sell this belief let's call it to Hughie. He's giving him a look that says "this is the truth and you better believe it or else". He's not smiling for news cameras or doing propaganda or greeting fans of his movies decades prior. He's not selling the Soldier Boy is America's Greatest Hero image here. He's subtly threatening Hughie, and this is where he begins to have an issue with him. Because Ben wants to see himself as the good guy, something Kripke, Jensen, and the cast have talked about in promoting the season. In his own mind, he is the good guy; he's a legend in his own mind so to speak. He's bought the hype about himself. And anyone who doesn't see him that way is an enemy aka a threat.

It doesn't mean he doesn't know he's doing things that aren't right (as we saw in those outtakes of the 'Don't-do-drugs' commercial). He's very self-aware but he justifies it to himself because he's Soldier Boy and almost like Homelander always says, he can do what he wants. Not necessarily that he has a god-mentality that rivals Homelander's but everything is justifiable in his mind because he's a Supe, or more precisely the Supe, and he's protecting his country. And it also keeps that insecurity of being a disappointment at bay that he has from his childhood. It's all layered into his make-up so to speak. So not only is Hughie a threat (not physically obviously but to Ben's image of himself) but is also bordering dangerously close to reminding him of the very thing he hates: a mirror that reminds him that maybe his dad was right about him (not saying he was, I'm saying this is potentially what is running through his mind). So not only does it share a brilliant parallel between Hughie and Annie when it comes to Soldier Boy that eventually plays out beautifully in the Tower Scene in the finale, but it also is sewn into the issue between Hughie and Annie this season in their own relationship.

But the way Jensen plays that scene is phenomenal because if you watch it, you realize if Hughie says one wrong thing, he may be in trouble.

Which is then continued in this scene:

In this scene, Hughie is mentioning there's a lot of people inside Herogasm and here we get Ben's reaction to Hughie saying that. Then he tells Hughie as long as the people stay out of his way they should be fine. But again, watch how he says it, his expression, focus on his tone, his body movement. He clearly is not happy that Hughie says this (it literally is a continuation from the hotel room scene) and again has that subtle threat vibe, even with Butcher standing there (because let's face it, to him, even with temp V, Butcher is no threat). And of course, we all know the slap scene and the punch scene that happens later. Not only does Hughie get switched out for Ryan later on who Butcher ends up protecting from Soldier Boy, but it all plays out beautifully as all of the connections, overt and subtle, unfold throughout the season.

But back to Jensen's performance. There is so much to appreciate in how he fully embodied this character. And that's not saying it through an AA haze of "omg he's so hawt!" or "omg did you see his ass?" That's appreciating the amount of work that he put into this role when the cameras started rolling. He literally became Soldier Boy and he embodied him even outside of the suit.

As an actor, Jensen is very nuanced. He consistently adds in these little things that help make the character even more multi-dimensional than what is written on the page or what is called for int he scene and how it's blocked. This is why there is a certain small group of people on here that repeatedly talk about Jacting Joices, it's not just related to Supernatural or Destiel or Dean. It's about Jensen as an actor, as a performer, and how much he actually pours into these characters he plays. Whether it be the way he moves (or walks), or the expressions he uses, his eyes (yep, he does that too, see above), with his hands, even down to the way he delivers a line. All actors do this in their own way obviously, lean into physicality as well as their performance, but he definitely has his own unique style that I just don't see anyone else replicating. I think there's a reason so many people say no one else could have played Dean the way he could have for example. And if you watch his characters, really watch them, you'll see what he does each and every time. Even smaller characters like Jason from Smallville or Tom from My Bloody Valentine or Alec from Dark Angel. It's all right there on the screen.

So I guess my whole long point is I don't get why antis rip him apart when it comes to this role of Soldier Boy (other than being antis I guess) or say he can't act or that has no idea how to properly analyze his character because he actually did put a ton of work into this specific character (as well as all the others he's done) and you can clearly see it as you watch his scenes in the show. While I wish we could have seen Homelander and Soldier Boy go at it a bit more, and see Soldier Boy truly unleash that Alpha-ness of being the original Supe like had been talked about in promotions and interviews, it doesn't diminish that this character was fascinating and he brought it to life from the script in a way that complemented his own unique style as a performer.

tl;dr Jensen crushed Soldier Boy and Ben (yes, two different characters to embody actually) and I cannot wait to see more of him in any future Boys-related visual story telling, on the show or others.

[charmac]

What was was experience like when you met Charlie? I’ve only met Glenn but I’m seeing Charlie this week and I’m nervous lol

Prepare yourself... because he is the most genuine celebrity I have ever met in my life, lmfao.

I honestly, confidently can say that there is no greater person to meet than Charlie Day. He really is exactly what you'd expect and then some.

I've met him a few times at this point so in terms of the experiences I've had, I'll direct you to this post from October and the day following that. I feel like I didn't explain too much of the context here, but basically he organically noticed me in the audience and stopped the on stage convo to ask me if I got the tattoo yesterday, which was really cool, and then after the panel he came up to me at the stage to sign my S10 DVD and then asked if there was anything else I wanted which was just so insane and then we went to the pop up bar and got a ton of free shots and what not. You can see my immediate thoughts after all of that:

The next week following was the NYC TASP live shows, and again he remembered me when he saw me at stage doors and came right up to say hi, which was awesome, and I talked to Mary Elizabeth separately too and she told me Charlie told her about the tattoo which is insane?? There were just a lot of small interactions those two nights between us that were really awesome, again just genuine shit.

March, again, so much shit happened that it would just be an essay to write out so I'll direct you to my posts about it from then, when I saw Charlie again after months and he immediately recognised me and remembered my name, then when he asked me for my input on the Mac and Dennis furniture situation (and agreed with me lol), and during that he took so much time with me like wayyy more than he should have lol, and then later that night at the bar was even more insane. I am not exaggerating when I say he spent a solid fifteen minutes just talking to us about Sunny. Like an insane amount of time where he was just this extremely genuine guy who was talking to us like we were friends just chatting about the show. I have never had that intimate of a conversation with anyone as famous as Charlie Day, and it was a real back and forth. Another ask regarding interactions with Charlie that night.

In summary, after meeting him I would lie my life down for that man anytime anywhere. It might be cringe to say but the days/nights I got to interact with Charlie are some of the greatest days of my life. Not just because of him, because there were a million other factors at play there, but he contributed largely to how fucking amazing my experiences at Sunny-related events have been.

AND I get being nervous, I am nervous every single time I meet any of them, but don't fret too much! I'm sure it will be a great night and I hope you have a ton of fun! He is the most chill, coolest, kindest guy I have ever met, and I hear that from sooo many other people too. Take photos and videos for us!

(And remember he will be in the writers room only a few days after you meet him... so plant some seeds... hah jk..)

[mueritos]

Hey Matteo!

I was just wondering like how your overall experience with Boston has been?

I'm a transmasc butch, from a small town, and have been questioning moving to that area (either around Boston or closer to Salem) and I'm autistic and Deaf (very little amount of my hearing left) so I try to do as much research as I can before solidifying ideas.. but I've also desperately been wanting out of my hometown and Midwest State.

I'm especially interested in any Queer friendly experiences you've had and/or museums as I am an anthropology major (Archaeology focus)

hey there! I'll insert a read more :)

It's good you're researching the area ^-^ like any city, there's pros and cons, and like any other major city, if you're looking for something, it is likely here already. Biggest cons to me in this city are 1. expensive as fuck (rent can be anywhere between 1200-2000+ per bed/room), transportation is mid (trains are cool but systemic racism has made it difficult to access certain neighborhoods), and the weather (i'm used to it because it's like a slightly colder PA). Oh, and I truly believe there is no good food in Boston. You have to LEAVE Boston to eat good food lol.

Pros! I do think the city is mostly autistic friendly, surprisingly. Sure a city on average is louder, but there are plenty of quieter places to live and you don't really see/hear people out late at night, unless you're living by universities. As for my daily experience, there's all kinds of queer events to go to in the area, including support groups (Boston Area Trans Support Group BATS) and university hosted events that are open to the public. From what I hear, there's not much of a huge art scene, but the MFA is quite active in the Fenway area and you can always find ways to be involved by contacting universities as well. There's a science museum I've been meaning to go to, but I did go to the aquarium and that was like soo awesome. You can search on r/boston as well for any specific experiences or museum/anthropology stuff. I have a friend rn who collects shells and maybe he would have some direct connections, so I will ask him ^-^

For the most part, people in Boston are very queer friendly. I don't know a single homophobic person haha, but I know of people who are TERF adjacent. RACISM and transphobia is probably one of the biggest things here. The city is very segregated and like I mentioned above, it can be difficult accessing certain parts of the city (mainly BIPOC parts) without a car (45-1 hour + on the train/bus vs a 15-30 min drive). I experience a lot of the usual city experiences, people asking for money or asking you for directions, but if you're kind then you won't have an issue. People freak out like its the NYC here when a homeless person walks up to them, but the best advice is try to carry cash, and if you can't give, just say "god bless you I hope you take care".

Anyway, there are several Deaf community events that I know are mainly hosted through Northeastern University. They have deaf interpreter program and they have events open to the public as well. If you want a deaf/hoh community, i think they're your best first step. Their site also has some state resources.

Also a lesbian bar just opened up! Dani's was cute and fun, went with friends once and while the drinks were expensive, the vibe was nice. Saw lots of awesome lesbians and t boys and transmascs all around. While queer spaces will be primarily white, there are BIPOC spaces if you're looking for that too.

this was all over the place but i think this is all I have to say. if anyone else is currently living in Boston or the Salem area and wants to share their thoughts, pls do! ive only been here for about 2 years and I plan to leave soon, so I won't know what its like past the summer.

Good luck!

[yippeeometer]

by any chance do you have opinions on new york. nyc's perfectly okay but as someone who isnt from the city i always wonder what people might headcannon about, literally anywhere else but the city in ny hehe.

i have opinions. on everything. there is not a single thing i dont have an opinion on they call me the opinionator the way i opinion on all these pins

first of all i believe in his natural state, new york would only say two words a month and otherwise run away to the wilderness for all eternity

thats why general nyc nature only makes up 50% of the reason why hes so pissy during meetings. the other 50% is because hes being forced to interact when the wolves inside him r cowering into their caves and wishing to just start eating people s they let him go home

upstate is the one area he allows other people to come visit him in. 'york ive seen niagara falls now can we please visit the city' haha how about i jump in. how about that.

furthermore both he and jersey are really into rap but refuse to talk to each other about it. they find out they have a shared interest during the kendrick/drake war. ny is faced with the difficult choice of having to be nice to jersey or support drake. he chooses to genuinely crash out in a meeting.

god he and jersey are the worst. they can and will start arguing over everything. u are DESPERATE for them just to get a room already

and im not saying he'd be very on top of pop culture but man. u saw him in the crash bandicoot nonsense. he's being restrained from fights bc mass deliberately makes wrong references to annoy him and the tism in him can't take it

i'm a big fan of him being black, i would actually write whole essays on the importance of black people in the culture of new york state but alas i fear my tumblr audience does not want to hear that so enjoy that headcanon

anyway yes he is deeply alone. most of this is his own fault bc he just never wants to get along with people and desperately seems to want to do his own thing. however it is also because he is a dick. the horrors are also kind of influencial

[octuscle]

I need to take a work trip to Germany, Leipzig to be precise. Should be a nice change from my NYC life.

I guess, your suitcase won't make it to Frankfurt... Then I guess I have to organize a replacement. Damn Airlines!

The only thing I can offer you so spontaneously is an old army backpack from GDR stocks, covered with graffiti tags, stickers and patches. Pretty heavy... And maybe not necessarily suitable for your classic suit… So, take your rucksckand head to the airport train station. Your train to Leipzig will depart in 20 minutes.

Shit, Frankfurt airport is bigger then expected. When you arrive, you thaught, that you missed your train. But luckily, the train is delayed by 15 minutes. Enough time, to relaxe. And for a smoke. You search the side pockets of the backpack. No cigarettes. But tobacco, cigarette paper. And weed. Shit, that could have ended badly at customs...

Ahh, smoking this feels great. I really needed to decompress a bit after this whole travel shitshow. Don't take offense, but a middelaged man in a conservative suit and a classic haircut smoking weed with an army backpack on the platform of the airport station looks a bit special... You have to admit that, too, when you see your reflection in the window panes of the high-speed train rushing in.

No one had told you that you had better have made a seat reservation. The train is packed. Getting a seat is out of the question. With a little luck, you will still get a seat in the dining car. You order a beer (what else in Germany) and check the contents of your backpack. On top of it lies a hat. It looks funny, you put it on. Otherwise, the backpack is not necessarily neatly packed. Everything is stuffed in more like this. There's a MacBook... You open it. And of course you know the password. Feels perfectly normal to open it. As normal as your pierced earlobes feel.

It is a low-coding platform open to any Big Data AI application. You scroll through the application. Sure, the prototype of an app for digitizing queues in doctors' offices. You open the library of useer stories and start developing the app further. A few hours ago, you had no idea about software development.

It's 9:00 p.m. when you look out the window. Gotha train station. Wherever that may be. You are looking at your reflection. Let's see what the others think of the fact that you have let the beard grow out...

The train is half empty by now. You have not even noticed how it has emptied. It's still a good hour to Leipzig. You close the computer. That's it for today. You order another beer and the vegan curry. Actually, you're also in desperate need of a joint. But of course you can't smoke anywhere on this train.

But you take tobacco, weed, cigarette paper and your cigarette case, which you inherited from your grandfather. And while you're waiting for the food, you roll a few joints on reserve. It will be after 11:00 p.m. by the time you arrive at your shared apartment. But you assume that you will sit together until 01:00 or 02:00. Your roommates are all rather night owls....

You don't notice that you're wearing high-laced DocMarten's boots instead of welted penny loafers as you step off the train. You also don't notice that your hair has grown considerably longer and falls tousled under your hat into your forehead... You pause for a moment as you see the tattoos on the back of your hand as you light up a joint to tide you over until the bus leaves. And after asking the bus driver for a ticket to Connewitz, you wonder if you actually just spoke German with quite an American accent.

The elevator in your house is of course defective again. Old building from 1873, last renovated in 1980 or so. That was long before the fall of the Wall in the GDR. But the rent is cheap. And the atmosphere is energetic and creative. When you met Kevin, Lukas and Emma at university five years ago, you were immediately on the same wavelength. Even though you didn't speak a word of German back then. You would never have thought that a semester as an exchange student would turn into a lasting collaboration. The fact that you found an apartment together where you could work on your startup at the same time was a real stroke of luck.

Upstairs in the apartment, Kevin already opens the door for you. As if he had been waiting for you.

„Sieht heute gut aus”, you say with your strange American accent.

Kevin hugs you and answers „Dude, it's good to have you back! We have missed you! Tell me, do you have new tattoos? Looks hot! And did you bring weed from Amsterdam? Our dealer is on vacation... Shitty situation!“

“Of course, i’d never leave you without”, I say, opening up the cigarette case and offering you one of the hand-rolled contents.

Kevin grins. „What do you say we smoke the first one not at the kitchen table but on your bed? I missed you, stud!“

“I’m so tired after this trip, so the bed sounds just right.”

There is nothing left of your suit right now. Yes, you are still from NYC. But you weren't a lawyer then. You studied computer science. And that was a long time ago. Now you are a Leipziger by heart

You both lie on the bed. You take a deep drag. And blow the smoke into Kevin’s mouth with a deep French kiss. The bulge in your skinny jeans looks painful. “Oh man, Kevin, I need some relief!” you growl.

It doesn't take long and we both have the tank tops off. You discover Kevins new nipple piercings. And can't stop playing with them. And Kevins bulge starts to hurt too.

“Man, let me provide some relief”, he says. And open your jeans. Your boner jumps out of your boxers like a jack-in-the-box.

Those new piercings… You just can’t help yourself… You’ve gotta feel them in my mouth! “Are they sensitive? Does it still hurt?” Kevin starts breathing more heavily. “What are you waiting for you prude Yank! They've been waiting for you for two weeks now!” You take a deep drag and blow the smoke over Kevins chest, which you caress with your tongue. Kevin moans “Fuck! You're doing so well! Sure it hurts. It's supposed to. You make me so fucking horny with your tongue! I love your tunnels on the earlobes!. I can not stop playing with them with my tongue.”

Dude, your dick is producing precum like a broken faucet. Kevin starts to massage it into your dick! You take one last drag from the joint, push the butt into the ashtray and blow the smoke over Kevins boner.

While Kevin rubs your hard dick, You begin licking his uncut cock. Damn man, these uncut European cocks will never not surprise you! Oh man, you love how it feels on your tongue.

Kevin doesn't stop breathing heavily, but still has to grin. “Fuck, admit it, you certainly didn't just talk about user interfaces with Milan and Sem in Amsterdam. You did practice your tongue game. Fuck, you know how to bring someone to ecstasy with the tip of your tongue!”

Oh man, Kevins precum just takes so good. You can’t get enough of it. Kevin reads your thoughts. “I want to lick your precum too. Let's make a 69! I need to suck your powerful circumcised cock.”

Yes, please!, you think in ecstasy. You just love how his balls feel in my mouth. And Kevin has fun to. You must have been sweating like a dog on the trip. Your balls are salty, your cock is deliciously cheesy. “Fuck, I can not tell you how I missed you.” Kevin moans.

He always feels so good, just keep going please, you think. His cock is so hard. His precum is spectacular. It’s like you’re in sync — in and out, in and out, in and out. “Fuck, your balls are so huge”, Kevin grunts. “I didn't jerk off all the time you ve been away. My balls are bursting”.

You both are perfectly synchron. Like one organism. “Please cum at the exact moment that I also cum. I want to make this old house shake.”, you think.You can’t wait to make you explode. Kevins moans “I can't take it much longer. Fuck, you are a master with your tongue. Fuck... Oh yeah... Yes! Fuuuuuuuck!”

Oh god! That was heavy. You both really try. But that was too much. Boy, what a load you both shot! Kevins cum is so thick! So potent! You ’ve got my whole mouth full, not able to swallow everything at once. You both exchange a deep French kiss. The cum runs from the corners of your mouths down our cheeks and necks. Kevin licks the cum traces from your skin. And you his. One last kiss, you pull up our pants again. And go to the kitchen with a joint. Lukas and Emma grin. The whole house could listen to you having sex.

“Incredible, as always, Kevin” You tell him, as you pass him the joint. And as if nothing had happened, you ask Emma if she has any new user stories for your app.

[scumbagjaeger]

VACATION DESTINATIONS WITH THE SNK MEN

starring: Eren, Jean, Armin, Connie, Porco, Reiner, Levi, Zeke

rating: mostly sfw!

notes: Part 2 of my travel series! First of all, I don’t think any of the guys would ever turn down a trip with you to go anywhere!!! These are just some of the specific destinations that I think they’d love to take you to and what I think they’d like to do with you(: and these are places that I’ve been, unfortunately I haven’t been to any African or Asian countries but I didn’t want to stereotype anything about these places. Feel free to share your ideas!! What’s your dream vacation? What other travel scenarios would you like to see? Let me know, send me an ask!

Part 1

EREN:

- Okay it’s so cheesy but please stick with me okay

- The iconic “freedom” panel, with his arms outstretched? That’s him whenever you guys go to hike or explore a national park

- I don’t think he’d be one of those like intense backpackers by any means? The man still needs regular access to a shower

- But he loves as much of the untouched nature as he can get!

- So I think a roadtrip would really suit him! I think there’s something super intimate about road-tripping that you don’t get on other trips

- Imagine you fly to a place like Reykjavik (Iceland), rent a car and then explore the ring road together

- Volcanoes! Canyons! Glaciers! Waterfalls! What’s not to love, he loves the spontaneity of it, and there are times when he feels like you two are the only ones on earth :’)

- One or two nights in the city, they have a nice nightlife scene if you’re into it, otherwise just exploring cafes and cool areas around the bay

- Then you pick up the rental and hardly see anyone else again!! Lol it can be super isolated there

- The drive around can be super exciting though?? When I went we’d see a couple waterfalls every hour in some regions! He’d be impressed with each one :)

- On less-exciting legs of the trip you guys can have really open and vulnerable conversations too? Just about life and stuff

- Car sex car sex car sex

JEAN:

- I also think he would have a hard time with camping, no access to a shower or regular toilet stresses him out

- But I think he’d really love hikes and national parks? Just no camping trips (yet..)

- I think Hawaii would be a fun place he’d love to take you

- I’m thinking Oahu at least? That’s the most touristy of them all hahah. But I’d imagine that you go once and he begins to fall in love with the culture and nature

- And then he suggests you explode some of the other islands and see the more natural side of Hawaii!

- Maybe you guys book a hotel that has a balcony, and by halfway through the trip you’re out there with blankets sleeping in the moonlight

- You don’t get much sleeping done though 😉😉😉

- I think Jean needs a vacation where he can get back into nature and forget about work, and Hawaii is a great place for that

- Would probably love going to a Luau with you, a more authentic one that actually supports Hawaii natives yk?

- Is constantly putting flowers behind your ear bc the boy’s a ROMANTIC!!

- Loves markets and street fairs but is a bit gullible? He’ll come up to you with a bunch of baked goods and say “that vendor is so nice! His mom baked all of these treats fresh this morning and gave me a good deal on them!” And then you guys will walk past a different vendor with THE EXACT SAME BAKED GOODS and the same sign that says “baked by mom, fresh this morning!” and he’d be like “huh, maybe their moms are friends or something”

ARMIN:

- He’d take you to see the ocean (duh)

- But I think he would also love to take you to small towns in Europe??

- He might need some convincing to go to a place like NYC or Las Vegas

- Much prefers towns like Cambridge? So many free museums and archeological collections (I also love this town lol)

- Would be still open to going to a big city with you! I mean the amount of history in New York is insane!

- But the crowds would overwhelm him :(

- Maybe could handle a weekend there on the way to another destination?

- Or at least will need a lot of time to recoup in between the nightlife and other big tourist activities

- Honestly if you wanted to go to a big city he’d be open to go, and he’d let you explore the city while he finds a good book or explores at his own pace

- Not alone! Like imagine you went with a group of friends and Armin yk? He’d be too worried about something happening to you if you were out there!!

- Yeah Armin would probably be a touch paranoid about being kidnapped or pickpocketed

- Like you could be visiting your hometown and your sibling comes to pick you up and he’s like “are you sure that’s them???? Can they get out of the car so we know it’s them?? What if it’s a trafficker??? You know I saw this news report about…”

CONNIE:

- Okay so first I think he’d have fun with weekend camping trips? He might dabble with a longer backpacking trip, but I think his regular getaways would be camping trips with you and maybe a blunt or something 👀

- But as far as like traveling for a vacation, I think he’d actually be a lot of fun at Disney or Universal Studios

- He’ll make fun of the cringey and annoying Disney adults (the ones who would like push a kid in order to get ahead in line for a ride yk? Nothing wrong with liking Disney at any age!)

- But otherwise he’s super happy to see everyone (including the two of you) get to let loose and be kids again!

- I also feel like he’d have the best luck at finding the Disney character people?? Like you are always first in line to take pics

- He’d probably want to take pictures with the Disney characters but would always insist on doing some dumb pose? He’s just planking in front of you and Mickey lol

- He also likes Disney because he can make up the most outrageous backstories for you both when talking to cast members (he tells Peter Pan about how he rescued you from bandits, Woody that he is a toy, etc)

- Like at airports, children are drawn to him so he’s always making them laugh in lines too? Not in a weird way but he just sees them looking at him and he’ll start doing an impression (once the parents give him the lil nod of approval)

- He’ll talk to children like they’re adults about their favorite Disney things too?

- “I totally agree, Rebecca. Anna was just trying to do what’s best for her sister Elsa” (he’d just be great with kids all around)

- Would probably cry at the Avengers Campus??? Just super amazed by Spider-Man and the others

- Also I think he’d love the drinking around the world “challenge” at Epcot. You don’t want to get too drunk at a family theme park but he likes trying all the fun drinks and learning a bit about the cultures of different places!

PORCO:

- I think Italy or New York would be a lot of fun with Porco! Just any big city really

- Maybe Italy specifically just because of the weather? Idk when I think of them modern AU I end up thinking of Chicago because I’m from that area, so a hot area like Italy would be perfect

- The man tans like a god probably? Like five minutes in the sun and he has the perfect golden tan

- Also he’s being conscious about suncare and will put sunscreen on you! Buys two of the biggest goofiest tourist hats to shield your faces from the sun

- Probably has an interest in the fashion scene at least a little bit? Has one of those trench coat/duster jacket things when he’s in New York (secretly you think he’s doing a model-strut whenever you two are walking around lol)

- Likes to people watch in a cafe in Italy while discussing clothes you like

- Will buy you clothes after the trip and surprise you (can’t buy it during the trip bc of your suitcases!! But he jots down the things you like or will order it in store to be shipped back home)

- Also would love the food in Italy!! Insists on eating out like every single night because everything is just so good!

- But it’s also super rich so one day you both just lie in bed, too tired to get up. After that you guys take it easy

- Will judge you for wanting a simple slice of Sbarro pizza (“Really? We’re in NYC babe there’s literally every type of food imaginable? And you want Sbarro???”) but one night you wake up in the middle of the night you wake up and he’s curled over the sink with a Sbarro slice?? Hello??

- But he got you one too so it’s okay xoxo

- I think he’d like to get away in a city because the intensity and the energy of a city is the perfect pick me up when he’s feeling weighed down from work (plus the man’s a model he belongs in an Italian fashion show let’s be honest)

REINER:

- I feel like he’d love road trips and camping! For some reason I think he’d be nervous to fly across the world to Europe?? Down for a flight within the US though (I always imagine them to be American but that’s just my hc!)

- Places like Arizona or Utah, even Yellowstone would be perfect!

- He probably burns really easily, so y’all get the biggest floppiest sun hats and make your way through Bryce Canyon or the Grand Canyon!

- Gets all sweaty but pulls you close as you both admire the scene before you. “(Y/N), look at how beautiful it is!”

- Reiner is so hard on himself, and I think that’s still apparent as he pushes himself to rush through the trails

- You need to make him wait and pace himself before he hurts himself! Drink water you fool!

- But imagine after getting deep into Yellowstone, you find a beautifully tranquil scene and you FINALLY see Reiner’s shoulders start to droop

- He can finally let himself relax, surrounded by the beauty of the natural world (and you), and his problems literally melt away

- At Bryce Canyon they had a really nice presentation at one of the parks about light pollution

- If you guys saw something like that Reiner could be moved to tears

- When you drive back to your hotel at night, you both pull over to admire the stars

- They shine brighter than they ever have back home, where the city lights obscures them. Neither of you say anything, just staring up at them in awe and wonder. Reiner reaches out for your hand and squeezes it in his own(‘:

LEVI:

- I wanted to say that he’d like Japan (and he would!) because he’d love the peace of the temples and shrines

- But I think that’s too predictable!! Plus he’s Japanese so he’d probably already be taking you there occasionally to explore!

- I think that he’s actually get a lot out of a trip to London??

- He’d probably have a lot of fun exploring the churches? The art and the history and the tranquility

- I don’t think he’d be running to see any of the royal palaces or big tourist grabs like the London Eye or Big Ben, but St Paul’s Cathedral?? He’d love it there

- And he’d love the parks, they’re spacious and it’s a nice place to people watch

- London seems very private?? Idk I’m here now and everyone seems to mind their business hahah. Polite? I bet he’d really appreciate that

- I also think he’d secretly really enjoy football?? You won’t see him jumping for joy at pubs with any of the British men

- But if a team that he likes is in an intense game, he’s holding his fork in a first so tight it could break in half

- I don’t think Levi would ever be able to fully stop thinking about his work or get away from his regular responsibilities, but he’s really inspired by the British Museum and the British Library

- After you two explore those types of areas he might pull you towards on of the courtyards outside of those areas (they both have lovely green patches outside!) and alternate between writing (I’ve always imagined him as an editor or columnist of sorts… critic maybe?) and talking to you(:

- Also let’s be real, he goes for the tea

ZEKE:

- Honestly I think Amsterdam would be fitting for Zeke

- Amsterdam would be fun with Zeke because the whole city has a laid back vibe

- Zeke gives off a weird mix of constant ease but also stress? Maybe it’s the trauma? Who knows! But the man needs to relax

- And Amsterdam is super chill! There’s a lot of historical memorials and museums to keep you both occupied and the canals are beautiful

- Plus there’s marijuana everywhere omg

- Honestly he’d have a lot of fun in the red light district? Super polite and respectful about everything but the man’s a freak let’s be real (he’s leaving the red light district the SECOND you’re uncomfortable btw he’s super understanding)

- There are really cool markets all over? The flower markets are my favorite! A whole street full of flower bulbs and plants to buy!

- He’d probably suggest you buy some, and when you point out that they might not travel there he’d suggest you just move there together

- Idk maybe it’s the weed, but I think vacations with Zeke would just make him weak in the knees, falling in love with you all over again

- I feel like he’s pretty depressed/apathetic to the world (sorry king 💀), but seeing your eyes full of awe as you explore the large tulip fields makes his heart ache with love for you

- Big softy underneath the trauma xoxo

- Amsterdam would be packed with a large variety of experiences and Zeke would start the trip passively going along with whatever you want, but by the end he’d be dragging you around trying to see everything the world has to offer!

Thanks so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Please leave an ask if you want to see any other specific scenarios! I’m working on one about college majors next so stay tuned!

[justtryingtovibe69]

i don’t really have a geographical place to call home. i really hope i can stay here in LA long enough to eventually feel that way. i feel so viscerally uncomfortable and anxious in my hometown (which is what i call the 3rd town my family lived in) and i haven’t stayed anywhere else since then long enough to feel like it’s “home” ….something about my bday coming up makes me feel homesick, i want to celebrate “at home” with friends and that’s just…no where. but at least in nyc my sister will be there and that’s close enough

[freebooter4ever]

What do you miss most about Pittsburgh?

Oh gosh, that's a question! I mean aside from the obvious answer of my old dance buddy lettia or naeem.

I miss pittsburgh's community, specifically the very music and art oriented one i was in. There's community here in LA but its all about fame, and money, and celebrity, and how you can use other people to get ahead. Just the other day i saw an influencer i actually kinda admired brag about meeting someone who out of respect for them + their privacy i have never never mentioned because i met them as a friend first. And it felt so weird seeing this person i know be used as click bait for the influencer's hits/likes/subscriptions. It kind of jolted some reality into me about how this city operates even in the smaller circles i run in. Its like the vibes in LA are all about 'being someone' and self importance. If someone is only going to respect me for my money (or disrespect me for my lack of money), or who i know, or credits to my name, i dont think i want their respect anyway.

Pittsburgh though - nobody was anybody in pittsburgh so we didnt fucking care, lol. It was a lot easier to go to things, to feel connected. There was an emphasis on diy, where it didnt matter who you were or who you knew if you had a good idea there was a chance it could happen. There were things like Art All Night and the various music festivals in the different neighborhoods. I was most connected to the music scene so i miss the casual afternoon concerts in someone's tiny apartment with everyone crowded around the band. The basement parties, the dancing. Ted's rowhouse was on fisk street so when i lived there with friends i really enjoyed how much of a community space it was - people were always coming and going off of butler street, movie nights, human chess parties. It definitely could feel too small sometimes - literally everybody knew everyone and everybody dated everyone. The year i left two of my ex boyfriends were living in the same house and i cant tell you the number of 'male harem' jokes i got about that one. Or the number of times a dude wanted to date me and when i said 'no' i immediately got excluded from an entire friend group. But no matter how frustrating the smallness got, i still was also aware of how special it was. Its also mostly over - a lot of my friends from that time have since dispersed to other cities. I think moments like that are fleeting, but thats what makes them unique.

But even with all that said, you know what my favorite thing to do in pittsburgh was?

Driving

and ok ok that probably sounds stupid. And it probably does not help that im in LA where driving is now the second level of hell. But even compared to seattle or nyc or other places i lived, driving in pittsburgh was just so much fun and you cant recreate that anywhere else. I once saw a data visualization of the main cities of the US and places like LA and even NYC were nicely laid out squares but pittsburgh was just this insane clusterfuck pencil scribble, and thats truly it. Cause not only do you have over 100 bridges and lots of one way roads that will funnel you onto a bridge you absolutely dont want to go over but whoops guess you're going anyway, but this city was also built on a cluster of hills. Thats what makes up the various neighborhoods - and the roads that connect these hills through hollows and over forests - are the most confusing rat maze you can imagine. For every one way to go there's also probably a dozen other options and mentally calculating which route will be fastest taking into account traffic and distance and 'speed limit' is a skill only acquired after years of living in the city. And if you have a tiny car and nasc*ar level driving skills thanks to the multiple generations of engineers in your family....driving up and down those hills is just a joy. It also, uh, helped that I made my own hours so worked from 11am - 3am most days and avoided all traffic. And in the city proper the pigs arent allowed to r*adar so as long as you knew where the speed traps were you could...uhhh... Be lenient. I only ever got pulled over once and that was because one time in the spring of 2016 i went home from work early one night and these asshole hockey fans were taking up the entire street around the rink that would get me onto bigelow and connect me to lawrenceville. And since i couldnt go down that one street, becaues its pittsburgh, i had to go in the complete opposite direction to find another route home which took like an extra fifteen minutes. And yeah i got pulled over, started crying and explaining i was just trying to get home from work, and they let me go. But damn those hockey fans. :P (but also had i realized you could go hangout outside and watch the hockey game on giant screens with a huge crowd of fellow broke but dedicated weirdos, i totally would have loved that. Thats what pittsburgh is all about lmao)

Anyway one of my old friends moved from pitt to LA, and then he moved from LA to shanghai. And i once asked him would he move back to LA and his response was that he couldn't imagine living in LA again after living in a Proper City like shanghai. And he made it clear that he saw being able to 'make it' in larger and larger cities as like...a mark of his personal progress. But me? Im a small town girl unfortunately. I still dream about the day i can fuck off to live in a cabin in the woods somewhere.

[stawpny]

Hii! What are some of your favorite places in New York? I'd like to visit the state one day and I'm curious about what cool places there are besides the city's skyscrapers :D

(happy birthday again!! 🎉)

oooh!

so honestly, I don’t know many places, but I have some cool ones, especially if you like history or exploring

1: Montauk Lighthouse or Montuak in general: Montauk is like the farthest point out east on LI and it’s so pretty. If you like beaches, you should def go. The lighthouse was owned by George Washington too, and you can go inside and see all historical stuff.

2: Psych Centers: I know I’m not allowed to go in them, but it’s cool to walk around and look at all the old buildings. Atleast for me. Fun fact, one of the psych centers on LI was one of the first places were lobotomy’s were available 😍.

3: Fire Island: Also a very beachy area, but it’s a very nice island that kind of borders LI. Has very nice beaches too. (Robert Moses is the one I go to)

4: Port Jefferson: I love going there and the ice cream from that place is bomb. Has some history stuff about them building boats and things about the harbor.

5: Liberty Island and Ellis Island: Both very cool places, visited them twice so far! I love history and if u like history you need to go to Ellis Island. It walks you through the journey of an immigrant from Europe coming into the US from that Island.

6: The Oculus: I’ve been there once and Jesus, it’s pretty big. It has many layers of like a mall-like building and I think a train or subway does down into the building, but idk. all I know that it’s fucking cool and huge.

7: THE BIG FUCKING DUCK: ok, so I’ve never been in it, but basically it’s a huge fucking duck that’s kinda like a mini gift shop but it’s so cute and big ajmwhajanwnw.

8:Nature Trails: Trust, you can pretty much drive anywhere on LI or maybe anywhere else, and you could find a trail somewhere. Especially around lakes or beaches. love walking around especially in the fall.

9: WTC: alright, ik u asked for things other than skyscrapers, but still, the World Trade Center is literally so cool. people seem to underestimate how big those buildings are and the memorial footprints are. Those huge pools of water are very pretty, and I like how they made the memorial different from others so no one would forget.

10: Murals: All over this beautiful state, there are murals EVERYWHERE. especially in the city. I loved walking through China Town or Little Italy seeing all the cultural murals- also, Definitly visit China Town and Little Italy, they are so different but so cool! B)

—

okay, so ik all of these are about Long Island/NYC, but those are really all the places I go to😭

anyways, I hope you liked this

thanks for the ask!! <3

[stuckincoolsville]

7/23/24: what's my name?

i absolutely hate these things. 

intros, blogs; it's all stupid, really. it's not even worth the effort of capitalizing, let alone proper grammar. 

who's gonna read this? who's gonna care about some random weirdo teenager moving to some random weirdo town? in OHIO, of all places. the meme is writing itself and dying as we speak.

but my therapist says this will help me. somehow. he says we don't meet enough, so he has no way of knowing how i'm truly doing or feeling. starting a little blog will, supposedly, help me get my feelings out.

i feel it's just another way for him to keep tabs on me, but whatever.

don't worry, i'm not dumb enough to reveal my actual name. just call me V. 

i recently graduated from a high school in New York. yes, i lived near bodegas. yes, i'd rather attend NYU, or a CUNY, or anywhere else besides Coolsville Community College. yes, i walk wherever and whenever i fucking want. yes, i miss the bagels. and the pizza. and the water.

so, that being said, what am i doing in Coolsville, Ohio? 

moving into the house i inherited from my mom. who i have not seen since i was...twelve? yeah, about twelve. i still have this vague memory of watching her pack up her car with all her stuff. her mouth, pressed closed. how she kept refusing to look at me, at my dad. and then walking back in the rain so she can get in her car and drive out of our lives.

yeah, that's rather grim...but it's also relevant. 

surprisingly, she's not the main reason i'm in therapy at the moment. well, not because she left. children are abandoned by parents all the time. most divorces are the result of a parent walking out on a family. i'm not special because i'm another statistic.

i'm in therapy 'cause of the other thing.

anyway, the relevance of this is that i haven't seen my mom in six years. no one seemed to know where she went. it was like she literally dropped off the face of the earth. and yet, a few months ago, my dad and i got a visit from a lawyer. my mother's lawyer.

he said my mother died of a tragic...accident (spoilers: i don't think it was an accident), and that the ownership of the house she lived in recently transferred to me. a house in Coolsville, OH.

if this was last year, i would have slammed the door closed in the man's face. or had my friend Johnny do a prank call and scam the guy out of his money. or maybe had Marcy

...

i think you get the idea.

but this year...it was like the guy handed me the solution to all my problems on a silver platter. after everything that had happened this year, all i wanted was to disappear. to go to a place where no one knew my name or who i was. 

you'd think that'd be easy in New York, a city of several million people on its own. but when you've gone through what i've gone through, when your picture has been published in enough NYC newspapers or blogs or anything with readership, it becomes difficult to be invisible again. 

i had to argue about it with my dad, but it was weak on his part. i think everything was starting to strain on him too.

so with a few bags packed and a rather emotional goodbye with dad & the few friends i have left, i hopped in my car and headed for Ohio.

took me a little bit to find this place. Coolsville is pretty obscure, even by most small town standards. if you can get past the sense of dread you get from Toledo—with all its emptiness and boarded up houses & buildings—you're already on the right track. 

go past the long highway. head east, towards where the trees gather most. down that long, long road that seems to be an entrance to another realm. towards the faint sound of rushing water flowing from a place you can't see yet. and suddenly, you're there. in a town stuck in time, struggling to embrace modernity as we understand it. a place that is just outside the border of the area considered to be part of Appalachia. 

it's like i walked right into the 1960s...or maybe early '70s. every house is painted in bright colors, the grass never seems to brown; and the flowers are always in bloom. and all the people seemed to dress like they go thrifting on the regular, their clothes are so...retro? vintage? any of those words work? and they always seem to have a smile on their faces. typical welcoming committee, wholesome small town edition, i suppose.

i was a bit wary at first. still am. but it's been a couple weeks since i moved in. no one's asked the questions i've expected yet. no mob is calling for my blasphemous head. everything and everyone i speak to actually exists, which is a relief. so things are okay. 

for now.

no idea what the future holds, but i recently registered for classes at the community college here. it's much more affordable than the schools in NY, even for a newcomer like me. (guess enrollment must be pretty low over here.) no friends, but the few neighbors i've met seem friendly. there seem to still be teens my age over here, so that gives me some comfort. the house my mome left me is already paid for and has all the furniture and appliances i need. i just need to pay for utilities and maintain the house.

that's why i got the job at the bookstore. it's pretty cool, run by this weird old lady who likes to cackle and rant about the new age occult scene. says my generation doesn't know how to properly communicate with the Old Ones, and that will lead to our ultimate downfall. 

things like that. 

she has a lot of weird takes, now that i think about it, but i'm not gonna argue logic and reason with the crazy lady signing my paychecks.

not much else to say at the moment. i mean, there's more but. this was just supposed to be an intro. i don't wanna vomit out everything in my head. not yet. 

(Dr. Dimaggio, if you're seeing this, you already know. so there's really no point anyway.)

so i guess i'll be signing off. i'll update this when something happens or if there's something i wanna get off my chest.

later.

signed,

V.D.

[goodbysunball]

Parched & parcel

Things are getting noticeably heavier and weirder, and we're the better for it. Some metal, finally, paired with some fine Aussie experimental noise and a band that'll make you believe in the dream of NYC again. It's the best season for this kind of stuff, so dive in.

dprk, Shitville Tourist LP (Studio Fabrik)

May I introduce to you Shitville Tourist (title of the year) by dprk, apparently a duo of Nick Dan (xNoBBQx) and Richard Fielding (Severed Heads) with support from a few mates. It feels like a journey in time back to where Twisted Village and Kye once roamed, where the journey largely justified the end product and the listener could take it or end up spending big later. While there is no question this record took me a few listens to unravel, what didn't take much to pique my interest was the gentle loop on "Crazy Little Corkscrew," something that sounds like a lullaby played with a steel drum, being poked and prodded by various electronics over its seven minutes. The track, like all four tracks on here, doesn't really go anywhere over its duration, but floats, writhes, twists and soaks in the sounds being made: pure joy in the noise made by machines. The title track and "Blumen Schmerz" are darker, more cavernous, where synths bleep and blot and drum machines whirr and exhale steam, creating the illusion of life where there is none. The latter has some creepy guitar parts splayed out on the pulsing synth backbone, but the investigation leads to no further conclusions; there is no categorization here. The finale, "Gulag In Space," provides not only another great title but a track nearly worthy of dancing, especially after the mind-fuck of the first three tracks. The beat bounces off all surfaces, as slippery as the rest of the record, but there is a sparkle on "Gulag" that winks at the listener as Shitville Tourist winds down. Something magnetic, or just plain alien, about the whole affair, but whatever it is, the sheer number of times I've played this have more than justified the hefty price tag. Great debut; let's hope for more from these true underground freaks.

Excarnated Entity, Mass Grave Horizon LP (Nuclear Winter)

Greece's Nuclear Winter puts out a ton of releases, so much that I've seemingly looked them over in the last few years. But taking stock, they've been responsible for the physical releases of a number of near-and-dear U.S.-based death metal acts like Blasphematory, the mighty Anhedonist, and now, Excarnated Entity. Excarnated Entity features a former member of Anhedonist, and there's definitely a similar approach to death metal with the two acts: mournful, grandiose but without the heavy-handed use of keyboards or Gregorian chant-like vocals. Excarnated Entity is also singularly focused on the horrors of war - not to be confused with the glorification of such in war metal - and provides ample heft to the incalculable loss of life. The band's demo, also reissued by Nuclear Winter in 2020, was a good primer for their debut LP, but the LP is devastating. The instrumental opener "Abjection" runs an elegant Mournful Congregation-style guitar line into the ground, simultaneously distraught and triumphant, and sets the stage for the rest. For anyone paying attention to the recent death-doom resurgence, Mass Grave Horizon fits right in and sets itself up near the top of that heap. While I think that there's a bit of momentum wasted in the middle section of "Corridor of Flame," that's really the only complaint I can level at the record. Everything else is properly filthy: gurgling vocals over blastbeats slam headfirst into downtuned chugging riffs, and a elegiac solo rises from the cracks in the pointlessly blood-stained soil. It's between "Irradiated Shadows" (the part before the solo, yeesh) and the punishing title track for my favorites here, but there's not a dud in the bunch. It's worth noting that the band does four-minute sprints as well as they can stretch tracks out to twice that length - a versatility that elevates Excarnated Entity above the one-note lifers rehashing the same formula on every track. Bleak, miserable and, given the state of the world, timely death-doom is what you get on Mass Grave Horizon, and if you think you've heard it before, it's worth hearing again in this singularly focused and dimming light.

VoidCeremony, Threads of Unknowing LP (20 Buck Spin)

I've got to give Nic at Repressed Records credit for pushing this one, as anything combining descriptors like "jazz" and "prog" with "metal" usually makes me run for the hills. But, this new VoidCeremony LP is checking all the boxes while flirting with all of the above, while (as Nic notes) throwing in a fretless bass solo on nearly every song to boot. The band plays death metal, firstly, and while there are some space-y outros and instrumentals, everything feels of a piece rather than forcing together disparate parts. The label press mentions that the band plays "with the gliding, controlled chaos and smooth fluidity of a jazz quartet," and that checks out, but I don't smell anything particularly jazzy about the record. Rather, I get a big whiff of Gorguts when listening to this record, another band that seamlessly combined progressive, thrash and death metal with grooves, resulting in something impressively complex without making it feel like a homework assignment. "Writhing in the Facade of Time" probably best displays all of these aspects, from the fading-in tech-death opener, to the sky-scraping guitar solos, to the crushing close of the track before the group's whisked away on a mystical Moog coda. The band shifts from strength to strength without any bloat, and just as importantly, without any clean vocals. Threads of Unknowing is my go-to workout record this year, the fluidity of the drumming providing blastbeat stress and necessary space in equal measure. Strap in, take a trip; whether you buy into the lyrics or overarching theme is up to you, but either way it's one of the most thrilling death metal records of the year.

Weak Signal, War&War LP (12XU)

Cool "reissue" of an album digitally released in 2022, hopefully given a wider reach with the push of 12XU. War&War is Weak Signal's third LP, and it sounds like a band comfortable with themselves, their capabilities and their sound: they can rip off a garage-punk track like "Don't Think About It" and slow things to a simmer on "Consolation" with ease. That the band sounds so self-assured did make this record feel a little too easy the first few times; but, like label mates Lewsberg, the complexity of the tracks shines through on iterative spins. Seemingly small choices like the backing vocal melody on "Names" or the sparkling Cass McCombs guitar on "Spooky Feeling" begin to feel like bold, powerful moves amidst the background of resignation/resilience across the album. The mostly spoken, barely sung vocals paired with the often bluesy guitar lines give the record a rough, workingman feel - which, for me, means that things ain't going your way but what are you gonna do about it - but there's no glory in it, just a general disdain for how things are. It's definitely a bit of a downer, though I think the band would prefer "realist," and two lyrics from the middle of the record seem illustrative of the this approach: "I'm no weirdo/I'm no freak/but things keep happening to me" from "Songworld," and "If you think I care/that's where you're wrong" from "Yr Deal." I don't find that the lyrics convey apathy, rather an infinite patience or aplomb in the face of everything spinning uncontrollably off-axis. War&War feels similar in spirit to what True Widow was doing on the heavy sigh of As High as the Highest Heavens..., though without the depressive bent of that record. A bit of despair creeps in on the cover of Johnny Thunders' "It's Not Enough," which bleeds into the gray, abstract noise of the title track, but the band puts their dukes up again on closer "Who the Hell Are U?," a fitting end to the record to reinforce the group's street savvy instincts. Weak Signal's delivered a doozy, and one of my favorite new-to-me discoveries of the year so far.