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we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.
"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."
i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.
you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"
i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.
what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.
i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.
"don't make a big deal about this," you said.
this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.
"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.
you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."
the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.
afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."
#spilled ink#writeblr#i'm trying to write about this really specific and wierd new experience#that i think is specific to the internet generation#where people you trust can just... say whatever??? and while most people are trustworthy#sometimes they'll just like... put ur shit out there????#and the thing is that sometimes it's GOOD - i want you to tell ppl if ur partner is being cruel!!!!!#i want u to be like ''hey is it normal if xyz happens'' ... but stuff like ''she's afraid of the dark''#PARTICULARLY when it's CLEARLY making fun of me....#what is the point of that.#this is huge and complicated and happens outside of romantic relationships too btw#like someone u thought of as a friend will be like . oh did u know she's scared of heights and it's like.#girl why are u fuckin doing that tho?#it's not a SECRET i just ...???????????????????????#and i think that gross feeling of like -- ''i can't REALLY be upset bc there's not a TRUE RULE about this....''#it's just not something talked about. bc it's so specific and yet so complex#bc how could i say like '' this is a violation of trust'' when it... technically I GUESS isn't????????????#idk maybe im just like super sensitive but please tell me in the comments/tags/etc if this is#something u have experienced (a trusted person like spreading ur shit) and if u were cool with it
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MY BBG POOKIE PIE!!!
#Iâve seen like 3 posts talking about how the âbabygirl-ificationâ of fiddleford is an issue#and that he needs to be held accountable for his bad actions#so Iâm here to tell you that#he has never done anything wrong and will never do anything wrong ever in his life#:))))#IM JOKING#Iâm about to ramble in the tags btw#in seriousness I think the people that make Fidds âbabygirlâ if you will are people who are drawn to the complexities of his character#the people that appreciate the complexities and not ignoring them#maybe Iâm just speaking for myself here but I think heâs such an interesting and cool character#the babygirlification happens after that tho but not instead of#except for in my au where he literally doesnât do anything wrong and is perfect :)#my art#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#fiddleford mcgucket#gravity falls
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FORGETTABLE-AU (Page 61-64)
* I-I don't think we were talking about the same thing...
[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]
#FINALLY FINISHED THIS WOHOO#Okay so#I have been keeping this small part of info secret for SOOOO long and it was so funny that JUST this week I got a ton of asks about#Wingdings' voice and I was SO tempted to talk about this little detail#BTW I DIDN'T FULLY MAKE THIS UP#i mean#Yeah I did#BUT IT IS BASED ON SOMETHING I NOTICED!!!!!!#When redacted talks in Wingdings the sound is clean#but when we listen to entry 17 (which is most likely a recording)#There's a VERY loud overlay of garbage noise#And so I was like#I could use this.........#like yeah a sound based on symbols?? we can't understand it! but our brains might do the work for us and maybe try to understand it?#but recording it goes very bad.....#I thought it was fun so I made it a hc for Gaster#and then I applied it here :D#lol#I think the pacing of this one is also a bit too fast but ehh#I hope it's clear#I am so proud of how I drew Alphys in these pages I feel like I am finally understanding her shape and how I want to stylize her#Sans is very good at reading people#He can tell when people are lying#that's why Wingdings didn't lie! he just conveniently forgot to tell him some details about what they found#okay yeah that's enough#TIME FOR THE TAGS#undertale#forgettable-au#forgettable-au-comic#sans
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I wish she had more scenes... Whateva
#dungeon meshi#rinsha fana#kabru#tumatawart#dont tag as ship#? Do people still use that these days#**SPOILERS in the tags I will ramble a little.**#I like how they have opposite ways of thinking with their shared environment shaping them greatly. I wanted them to talk about it together#Kabru just separates from the group for the rest of the series when the Canaries arrive without any reaction and I was like What...#Maybe briefly entrusting Rin as the party leader since in his eyes she's the most reliable... Having her do things her way.#Not necessarily showing how they fare. Thatd get messy but a slight change in dynamic after they come back together in the finale dinner#Maybe I need to reread I might be missing something u__u
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i think it's a bit funny that with some new neglected batfam fics i've read so far from others, people began to portray damian the same way i did (an injury he left on the mc after their first meeting/after a certain incident, or his overall aggressiveness that stems possessiveness being the blood sibling, or his desire to be babied/seen as a baby brother, a parallel to dick seeing you as his baby bird).
and it's not only with damian, i see some with the other characters, too.
it's fun finding similarities between my portrayals of the characters and theirs. also, the love for conner kent that suddenly surged, too! i'm not complaining, though; his 90's version deserves more love and i'm glad that there's so many people in my inbox admitting that they got into comics because of me.
i appreciate everybody who sees what i wrote as an inspiration <3 this post is meant to be my gratitude for the community of writers who found my silly fanfics and found motivation to write for their own stories, too! the same way i found fanfics from my favorite authors (gotham-daydreams, klemen-tine, and so much more). i think it's really nice.
#đš... yael's talking#yandere dc#yandere batfam#<- ignore the tags. i just wish to say that i appreciate everybody who read my all my series and was inspired by it#i never expected to have this much of a following#seeing as how i went through a period of time writing for genshin then a hiatus then for dc comics#it's fun and i love sharing my ideas#knowing that somewhere out there; people like my thoughts as much as i do
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I haven't seen anybody post the full Riddle Chain yet (including Silas Birchtree) so here you go :)
I didn't find any of these codes myself by the way! I'm not sure who to credit for the rest of them, but I did get the Silas Birchtree code from @dismissivedestroyer (sorry for tagging you ^_^" if you don't want to be tagged let me know and i can edit the post). You can also get the answer using the code "STOD EHT TCENNOC"
(SPOILERS BELOW)
RIDDLE (would you like to play a game) > YES (what's Mcgucket's favorite soda?) > MOUNTAIN DONT (what's a medieval homonym?) > LYRE LIAR (the 20th ingredient of Anti-Cipherzing Tonic?) > HAROLDS RAMBLINGS (how is clown repellant made?) > UNION MADE (Bill's govt file number?) > 29121239168518 (who comes from Zimtrez 5?) > GREBLEY HEMBERDRECK (what's on Bill's flag?) > 3466554 (what leaves a thin line in the snow?) > TINSEL SNAKE (the 6th option on Bill's editing software?) > TORTURE MENTALLY (name an unpronouncable wizard) > XGQRTHX (where do Tri Angels come from?) > 333SUNDAPPLELANECOZYCREEKIL6071494611 (Bill Cipher's Lawyer?) > CAESARATBASHVIGNERE [or] MULTI LEVEL MARK (who defeated Silas Birchtree--?) > EMMALINE BUTTERNUBBINS (you've earned a treat! enter 'DISPENSE MY TREAT' to download) > DISPENSE MY TREAT
The 'treat' you get is under the cut
"BILL FILES DO NOT OPEN"
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#im not really sure what to tag this haha#does this mean we have all the codes now?#probably not right??#apparently theres this super rare thing you get from using âalexâ or âalex hirschâ a bunch of times but i havent gotten it yet#i tried but i accidentally closed the tab and had to start over#also it was just getting really laggy#someone pleeeeaase post the pictures in high quality if you get it#ill be forever in your debt#gravity falls#book of bill#the book of bill#tbob#tbob spoilers#the book of bill spoilers#gravity falls spoilers#thisisnotawebsitedotcom#thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com#bill cipher#i feel bad tagging so much but i want people to see this#silas birchtree#billcipher#bill cypher#no offense but how do you misspell his name its literally everywhere#ok have fun :))#turtle talks#long post#just added the silas birchtree riddle picture to catch attention better dont mind me
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Holy shit I love your Dirk interpretations, it's so true and I could talk about this shit forever. I feel like another part of his character that people seem to forget (along with Roxy for some reason) is that he's from the future in solitude in an apocalyptic wasteland. I just see that part of his character always removed which is disappointing because I feel like that's a pretty big part, especially regarding his themes around technology, his brother's theme of Time, his own isolation, and how he plays in the vastness of the universe and spacetime.
Art I drew related to the subject because I like to respond to asks with art.
But absolutely. I certainly understand where the lack of discussion over his isolation + upbringing comes from, considering a majority of the fanbase that I have seen builds their ideas based on their own version of postcanon. Iâm not entirely sure how that would be fixed, but certainly even in the somewhat recent past I would see a lot more content regarding his upbringing both literally and symbolically. I donât have much to add regarding the things youâve mentioned, because they just are what they are. Dirk being confined to a singular room left to him by a father figure he never met, in a future where the only other person left on the planet is someone he cannot pursue a relationship of because of himself, with purely 3 robots to keep him companion, one being an exact replica of his own brain who is *also* trapped inside a pair of glasses, is about as literal as it gets to me.
The contrast to me involving the flooded, organic world in comparison to the little speckle of Dirkâs apartment packed with the dude and his technics is not only a representation of his isolation and entrapment within himself, but also of his lack of control. I think his obsession with & themes of control are a direct product in the case of Dirk specifically *of* this kind of upbringing. His themes of technology are also related to his themes around control. So much of his character is actually revolved around this to me like so much. Dirk is so deeply disconnected from humanity in every way and so much of his character + symbolism is based around that.
It doesnât even have to be about the symbolism or anything though. Itâs just pretty *interesting* in the literal sense that he lives in the middle of the ocean in the future. Thereâs not only a lot to theorise on to do with his young life there, but on how it might affect him in the way he acts for the rest of his life. The latter part is probably what I see mentioned the most by people talking about Dirk regarding this, Iâm surprised I donât see more discussion on the former too though. I really ought to actually talk more about Homestuck stuff on here. I will do it myself.
Roxy & Dirkâs relationship is largely ignored though because there is a narrative a certain demographic spreads that Dirk resented and blamed Roxy for her interest in him, and thus too many people believe that their relationship was or would continue to be an abusive one. Realistically, I believe itâs important to acknowledge that the way Roxy treated Dirk regarding his homosexuality wasnât right while still acknowledging the obvious amount of respect and admiration Dirk had for Roxy. I mean we have a huge piece of dialogue from their post trickster mode conversations on the quest beds from Dirk purely stating how he feels about Roxy that people completely ignore somehow. I think this usually happens to characters that are women though. I know everyone says it, but it is true. Jane gets the exact same treatment of boiling her down to solely her negative aspects. The things I see completely mischaracterising both of them are horrific.
I mean how much more explicit can it get that their relationship is obviously very important to Dirk? But I digress. I think the best or I should say âmost interestingâ interpretations of their relationship usually come from DirkRoxy shippers actually.
I would be interested to hear about Dirkâs relation to his brotherâs theme of time though. I donât have any thoughts on this and I donât recall ever hearing anyone talk about it before. If you or anyone else would be willing to enlighten me Iâd be thrilled.
#homestuck#homestuck fanart#hs fanart#dirk strider#blooby posting#ask#Sorry for taking so long to reply to you on this. Iâve been in more of a drawing than a speaking mood lately#which is very unusual for me. This is definitely not as much of a post as it could be but Iâm still not back on my thought and speech game#I know the Roxy mention was in brackets but good lord the treatment Roxy gets from fanbase is insane. Couldnât help myself#Sorry if anything is worded badly. Iâm tired per usual#I think (with no malice in my heart) people just tend to leave out what they donât like about characters though.#I was very briefly talking with Pomme johnegbertirl#and it got me thinking about how far a lot of peopleâs interpretations of characters stray from what would be realistic to canon#based on their own biases. Which I guess I probably do too to a certain degree.#Iâm not one to judge people for their characterisations at all#I tend to be very forgiving when it comes to reads#but⊠I admit that is indeed a little disappointing to see how completely ignored some parts of his characters are.#Sorry for tangent that is tenuously related. It is relevant enough to shove haphazardly into tags#Iâm glad you like my Dirk ramblings though. Thanks brother#We live on
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you know i used to think it was weird how sora and roxas have such different personalities for supposedly being 'the same person' but after playing a few games i sort of realized that they do have similar personalities, because roxas acts how sora does when he's under extreme stress.
compare roxas to sora in, say, kh1. that's where a lot of peoples idea of sora's personality comes from. sora is generally very upbeat and optimistic in that game. not very similar to roxas, right?
but let's switch the game and talk about a game where sora is ABSOLUTELY GOING THROUGH IT. chain of memories.
sora's resting state is melancholy in com. he only ever cheers up in short bursts, usually when he's joking around with friends. just like roxas.
he's quick to anger, and tends to lash out at the organization members. best example of this is when larxene makes him 'remember' namine, and he swings at her repeatedly, even after she's gone. he only stops when jiminy is able to snap him out of it.
you know what scene that resembles?
sora, while a bit more on the angry side and less sad, continues to act like this in kh2 when he's in stressful situations. (he also has a tendancy to insult people which, while it's not very related to the point, is very funny and sora saying 'gonna cry?' to xigbar is great.) i cant comment any further than that about kh2 off the top of my head.
so, roxas acts like sora does when he's stressed, right? but why is roxas always acting like that? to which i say, he isnt!
he only ever acts like that when he's also in fucked up and stressful situations, which happens to be a CONSTANT in his life. but when he's hanging out with axel and xion, a decidedly NOT stressful situation, he's a lot more like sora. he's teasing his friends and insulting his coworkers and joking around and acting like a normal kid. not really important, but unless i misremembered some sora lines which is VERY possible, both roxas and sora respond to friendly insults with "oh thanks!" a lot. just a funny little detail that felt relevant.
the biggest differences between roxas and sora boil down to environment and... i dont know how to put it besides volume? roxas is very quiet and tends to keep most of his thoughts to himself, while sora is very loud and expressive in comparison.
there is one other huge difference i noticed, which is less character based and more story. sora wanted to get off destiny islands and explore with his friends, but roxas just wanted routine. sora wants adventure, and roxas wants things to stay the same, for days where he gets off work and eats ice cream with his friends to last forever, to keep having conversations about nothing and watching the sunset. roxas wants normalcy, sora wants excitement. it's just interesting seeing their contrast.
not sure if this is very well said or anything i just wanted to talk about my boys
#random thoughts#its been a while since i got to use that tag eheheh#i bet theres a few people following me who didnt even know i did analysis posts#the fact that sora and roxas grew up in very different environments is pretty important btw#roxas was already a bit quiet and being in a cult where any expression of emotion is immediately shut down probably didnt help#we'll probably never get a good idea of how roxas would be if he was in a normal situation#id say some of the twilight town stuff might be a close estimate but even that doesnt really fit considering all the shit going down#even from the very start hes being accused of theft hes Not doing the best#anyways. sora and roxas are different obviously#but theyre a lot more similar than people really talk about#kingdom hearts#roxas#sora#not rereading this so it might be a little weird and hard to read sorry
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Mithrun being a mostly autonomous disabled person with caretakers is incredibly important to me, building up routine habits in order to "fully function" while also still requiring help is so real tbh
#I too have a caregiver even though I'm considered somewhat functional#I think people under estimate the amount of help people with certain disabilities need even if they're not fully visible#mithrun being capable of walking talking and being a leader while still having people around him who will remind him to eat or sleep#keeping him safe when breaking down#help him get dressed in the morning when he can't be bothered to remember how to do it himself#that is incredibly real to me#anyway I hope this post doesn't get destroyed#dmd tag#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#mithrun#these are thoughts I shared with my bestie so shout out to sky for that
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Zionists want you to conflate Judaism and Zionism. Zionists want you to believe that Judaism cannot exist without Zionism and that all Jews are Zionists. Zionism would have Jews believe that a Jewish state is the only way that they can be safe from antisemitism and will point to any instance of antisemitism as proof that Zionism is the solution- so Zionism wants gentiles to be antisemitic in their support of Palestine. They want you to conflate all Jews with Zionism and the state of Israel, and they want you to treat all Jews regardless of political affiliation as the face of Israel. Antizionist Jews exist, and incidences of antisemitism ostensibly acting against Zionism will not help dismantle the forces propping Zionism up.
Don't do their work for them.
#red rambles#viva palestina#antizionism#i haven't actually seen a lot of antisemitism personally. not recently anyway. but that's more a feature of me not following antisemites#i DO however see a lot of people talking about the people they're seeing throw their support behind antisemites using palestine#as an excuse to conflate all jews with israel#and i cannot stress enough that that is literally what israel and zionist forces abroad WANT.#i am jewish. my entire family is jewish. i want to see palestine free. and i have SEEN how the jewish community gets conflated with israel#both from the inside and out#and i am dead serious when i say that every time someone is antisemitic it strengthens the conviction from people abroad#that it's a terrible sad situation but there's 'no other choice'#if you're being antisemitic you are doing the enemy's work for them. Stop it.#like... look. i am putting this in the tags bc im talking in the tags but i mean this. I do not give a single flying fuck if you personally#are a giant raging antisemite at the moment. Your personal beliefs are your problem and not mine. I do not fucking care. But if you are#being openly and loudly antisemitic *in your support of palestine* you are absolutely not fucking helping. I am so dead serious right now#if you want to raise awareness and you're being antisemitic because of deep held beliefs or whatever i want you to look around and read the#fucking room. Do you understand how much of Israel's international support comes from the idea that they are the only country where jews ar#safe from antisemitism? do you see how every time palestine comes up people point at incidences of antisemitism in anti-genocide actions to#discredit the entire movement? do you not understand how your actions are cutting the movement down at the knees?#i'm jewish and proud of it. i don't like antisemitism. but there's a genocide on and i'd rather work against it than quibble over who i#work alongside. i dont fucking care. you can be as antisemitic as you like in private. stop fucking the movement up.#there are bigger things to worry about here. if i can put aside my own concerns as to who i'm talking to you can hold your tongue#and fight the good fight instead of handing weapons to the people who are trying to fucking flatten gaza.
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im so fucking tired of the disrespect gifmakers get on the gifmaker website
#kai.txt#negativity tw#(sorry these are gonna be a lot of tags. i have a lot of feelings and i dont know where else to put them)#we make gifs and nobody reblogs them#when they do get reblogged all people want to tell you is that your gifs arent good enough to them and rip it to shreds#'you're missing x' 'why didnt you do y' 'if i made this i would have abc' 'hey op ur wrong and this is why' 'i dont like this op'#reposters dont even reblog your fucking gifset but they'll save your gifs to repost later asking for how to do something#that they could have asked you how to do in the fucking first place#we reblog ourselves constantly because nobody else will and maybe to make our work look like it has more notes than it does#to make ourselves feel better about the lack of interaction we're getting#and then when we TALK about this frustration we have. people who are too afraid to say it to our faces#go on anon in our askboxes and tell us how we're somehow selfish for wanting people to interact with the sets#that we spent time on. hours. days. WEEKS in some cases#or we get anons who tell us the reason we dont have notes are because we arent good at gifmaking in the first place#but this is all on anon. because they're too scared to tell it to our faces#they're too scared for us to see that they ARENT a gifmaker and that they dont know how to do it any better either#they dont see us as people doing something we love as a hobby. they see us as content machines that dance like court jesters#im just so fucking tired of the disrespect#and this sentiment goes for more than just gifmakers. graphicmakers. artists. literally any creative hobby shared on this site#we get treated like shit and for what? literally for fucking what.
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#daniel ricciardo#dr3#yeah i'm still here in this video#so many people talked about the old daniel over the past year or so and I think he started to take that to heart and believe it#but removed from all of that nonsense I think he's recognizing that he wasn't what fundamentally changed actually#I'm about to get deep in the tags of this post so look away#there's a quote by emily mcdowell that i've been thinking about in terms of daniel these days:#âFinding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost.#Your true self is right there buried under cultural conditioning#other people's opinions and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.#âFinding yourselfâ is actually returning to yourself.#An unlearning an excavation a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.#and here daniel is returning to himself#unlearning the bullshit that they placed on him#stretching out his limbs from the boxes they tried to cram him into#Anyway thinking too deeply about this multimillionaire that I do not actually know but who I know...ya know?
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"i dont hate this female character, i just have a nuanced take on her" and the nuanced take is comically stereotypical misogyny
#cough cough#i dont think i need to say it#meows post#edit i changed my mind im tagging this#teruhashi kokomi#mabel pines#ashley campbell#princess celestia#madoka kaname#also wanna say princess bubblegum and pink diamond but ik people are just gonna go 'blah blah blah but they actually did things wrong blah'#like yea i KNOW and thats not what im talking about#ALL these characters did things wrong because theyre developed and well rounded characters#like yes if pink diamond were a man she would still be criticized for what she did#but would people talk about him the way they do her? would they debate if his naivety was just disguised evil?#would they treat every mistake like it makes him an overall evil villain and erases all the things he did right? and his good intentions?#would they ignore all reasons he had for going as far as he did and say 'he shouldve found a better way' no matter how hard he alr tried?#pink diamond#rose quartz#princess bubblegum
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you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.
you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.
instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.
you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.
your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.
because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.
so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.
all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.
#spilled ink#woke up at 530 to write this lmafo#me in a cold sweat:#how do i be normal#edit in the tags:#hey so i've seen y'all talk about like ... wondering if ur ''allowed'' to relate#like if this is about X specific diagnosis#and when i first posted it i really almost labelled it ''please don't assume this is about a specific condition''#because as an artist i am often walking this line of discussing a symptom or discussing my conditions etc#and sometimes yes ! i do want to talk about an experience that is specific to who i am and my condition#but sometimes the effort of the post is about the EXPERIENCE rather than the diagnosis#because yes i am not neurotypical and as a result that influences my work but it is ALSO true that there are many reasons#why someone might experience this particular vague horrible feeling that you are... almost being CHASED by what you ''really'' are.#that you're outrunning your symptoms... that you're not really normal you're just sort of a mockery of a person#.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that#it is inherently talking ABOUT that sense of isolation & of feeling not-deserving & of minimizing your own experiences to make urself#palatable for society in a way that others find easy-to-deal-with....#this post is about a certain experience such that my impression is there's a higher likelihood that those who relate#would have more difficulty thinking they ''deserve'' to relate - that it doesn't REALLY belong to them#bc often we are the kind of people who are SO used to being alienated and set aside and ''different'' that we AUTOMATICALLY assume#that things are not ''for'' us... they never have been why would it start now#we are the kinds of people to be ... ''too normal for X diagnosis but too symptomatic to be normal''#[or as this post points out... so good at ''coping''/masking/hiding it that we essentially conform to whatever shape we're poured into]#but i have witnessed others already say in the tags ''thought this was about me but it's about X so it can't be''#and im like ... of course it was about you.#art is not a resource that is diminished by greater appreciation .#you reflect in whatever mirror fits your frame. not just the ones in your bedroom. not just the ones i specifically give you.#there will be - and often are - times that i will talk about my specific conditions... but if you're reading this#regardless of why you're here... we are here together. holding hands through space and time. and i love you for carrying it#and i know you're exhausted. i am too. but i understand. and i see you.
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Jealousy
Chris Sturniolo x Fem!reader
â tags;; mentions of a physical fight & injury, injury tending, fighting, pet name (baby), no use of yn, toxic habits (overprotectiveness)
â wc;; 1282
â authorâs note;; my take on overprotectiveness since i hate the âtouch her and you dieâ trope, hope you enjoy <3
He did it again.
You donât know how to feel as you silently drive home, Chris in the passenger seat, seemingly oblivious to the storm raging in your mind.
He did it again. He hit a guy just because he looked at you weirdly.
Donât get me wrong, you love his protective side. It is hot, honestly. The way he always makes sure everyone knows youâre his girl, the way his arm sneaks around your waist at parties, the way he gets rid of other boys trying to flirt with you.
But this⊠this wasnât protective, this was violent. He hit a guy, for the second time this week. The second time in four days.
Yes, the guy was rude and obnoxious. Yes, you felt uncomfortable around him. Yes, you were relieved when Chris came to your help after the guy wouldnât listen to your Noâs.
But Chrisâs punch, it wasnât protective. It was violent, brutal, merciless. And of course, the guy hit him back, right on his cheek.
When you glance to your right, you can see the dark patch forming on your boyfriendâs cheekbone.
You arrive home â your house, not the tripletsâ â, and you go to fetch the first aid kit immediately after entering through the front door. Chris trails in behind you, unbothered by his split lip and bruised cheek.
He just sits down at the kitchen table, knowing you will take care of him. Expecting you to.
You take an ice pack out of the refrigerator and settle down next to Chris, all in complete silence. You canât bear to hear his voice now, or your own. Youâre afraid it might give your thoughts away. And your eyes, your eyes will surely betray you, so you keep them focused on the ice, the bruise, your hand, anything but Chrisâs eyes. That he is looking at you constantly isnât helping.
But eventually, he picks up on your uncharacteristically silent behaviour.
âHey,â he says softly. âEverything alright?â
You swallow thickly, knowing your voice will give in the second you try to speak. So you remain silent. For exactly three seconds, dabbing a cotton pad at his split lip, before Chris speaks again.
âThat dick wonât bother you anymore.â
Of course, he thinks thatâs the problem. Of course.
âThatâs not what Iâm worried about,â you mutter, stoically keeping your eyes on his injuries.
âYouâre worried about me? Oh, baby, you know I can take care of myself,â Chris says warmly.
âThatâs not⊠I am worried about you, Chris. You need to stop this. But-â
âBaby, you know I wonât,â he mutters, slowly tilting your chin up with the hand that isnât holding the ice pack. âThose pricks deserve it.â
âBesides the fact that no one deserves to get beat up, thatâs not what I mean,â you say, pulling away from him. âYou need to stop or youâll end up in serious trouble.â
âI wonât,â he says softly. âI promise. I just want to teach them a lesson-â
âYouâre not listening to me, Chris!â
âWhat are you talking about, of course Iâm listening to you,â he says, his brows furrowing.
âNo youâre not,â you scoff. âI see the way you look at the guys youâre going to hit. Iâm not blind. I can see that you want it.â
âOf course I want it,â Chris says, laying a hand on your arm. âI need to protect my girl-â
âThatâs not what I mean, and we both know it,â you snap, quickly closing your mouth and taking a deep breath. âI am just an excuse. Donât deny it!â
He already opened his mouth but closes it again, worry and confusion clouding his gaze. âBaby-â
âNo. Listen to me,â you interrupt him, trying to keep your tone calm. âYou like the confrontation, donât you? The adrenaline? But you canât see⊠You donât see the way itâs hurting me.â
Chrisâs expression falters for a moment. âI donât- what are you- what do you mean? I donât understandâŠâ he stutters.
âNo, you donât,â you say softly, pulling your arm out of his grip and standing up to bring more distance between you.
He really doesnât. He doesnât understand the way your heart clenches every time a guy even just glances at you in public. He doesnât understand the way your thoughts start racing even when someone is just walking in your direction. He doesnât understand the way youâre terrified of talking to anyone while out with him â out of fear to trigger his jealousy.
The air feels thick as you look at his expression, his desperate eyes, the bruise on his cheek and his still-bleeding lip.
âExplain it to me,â he says, âplease, what am I doing wrong?â
âYou donât see the way youâre hurting me, hurting everyone around you,â you whisper, your voice just as thick now. The words feel like theyâre stuck in your throat and you have to force yourself to speak them. âI hate seeing people hurt, especially you. I hate seeing you get hurt, and knowing- knowing that itâs because of me.â
âThatâs not true, baby, Iâm-â
âPlease, Chris,â you whisper, tears collecting in your eyes, âPlease let me finish. I hate avoiding to go- to go out in public with you just because I canât⊠I canât trust you not to lash out at someone, I hate b-being scared every time someone looks at me or talks to me, I- I just⊠I hate seeing you angry, I hate seeing you violent, I hate seeing you like that⊠And yet you- you keep doing it, n-no matter how o-often I ask you to stopâŠâ Your throat is clogged, your breaths are laboured, your eyes are watering, and you physically canât speak anymore, the words having drained out of your head. But there is one sentence left, one youâre terrified to even think.
And Chris is just standing there, the words burning in his mind, on his skin, digging into his flesh while he tries not to rush to hug you because he knows, he knows it wouldnât help. And then he feels the tears running down his face, and the pain ripping through his chest. You donât trust him. You canât trust him, you said it yourself. Youâre scared of him.
Fists clenching at his sides, he lets that sink in. Everything heâs done for you, everything he thought heâs done for you, crumbles under the heavy weight of reality, the realisation that heâs been hurting you all along.
He steps forward, raises his arms, and sees the way you cross your arms. A shielding gesture. Chris thinks he can hear his heart finally shatter at that, after slowly cracking over the entire conversation.
There are no words he can use to explain himself. He knows he should apologise. But how do you apologise after terrifying your girl over and over again without even noticing? What words are there to express the mixture of frustration, fear, and self-hatred heâs feeling against himself?
Chris drops his arms to his sides.
He turns around, and leaves.
And you are left alone. The front door slams closed, but you donât even flinch. Your mind is full, and so are your eyes, your ears, everything is clogged with memories, everything is breaking inside you, but you are relieved.
You are relieved, because how could you bear his overwhelming presence any longer, with one last question, one last sentence burning on your mind, a question you canât ignore but also canât speak, not in front of him?
How can you be sure he will never lash out at you? How can you be sure that you will never be on the receiving end of his fist?
#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo angst#christ sturniolo fic#christopher sturniolo x reader#sturniolo fandom#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo edit#sturniolo fanfic#no fluff this time#ahh i love writing angst#ngl my fav oneshot until now#my take on overprotectiveness because i think itâs radically misunderstood how toxic it can be#but that might just be me#kinda messed up the narration in this one#thereâs first person and second person perspective but the first one is genuinely just me talking#as is second person but whatever#lol do people actually read tags?#if you do pm me or send me an ask#iâm curious lmfao#i struggled sm with the ending of this one#but sad ending it is#took me like an hour to write thid in the middle of the night
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the world's most underqualified daycare team đđ«¶
i fear theyre cooked.
ignore moon and monday being in almost the same pose i noticed it too late to change it.
original au post w og refs and au explaination
my sun and moon designs w more 'detail elaboration' (not sdgo related post, just them in general)
i did want to make sun and moon's designs in sdgo different than my general personal designs that i use in my self insert au for easier differentiation for other people (i can tell them apart pretty easiy because i portray them personality-wise pretty differently in both aus), but . im too attached . to my current designs um đ /silly their designs r basically the same i just wanted to draw them in this lineup w monday/yn/mc/whathaveyou so they didnt look . sad and lonely. lol . theyve already got enough of that "sad and lonely" shit going on in the storyline â€ïž
i probably shouldve written a bit more on the image itself but i didnt . want to crowd it.
closeups and a bit ....more..... yapping (not too much, but might interest some? maybe?) under cut đ + their all eye variations put onto their actual drawn faces, for funsies ^_^
moon doesnt get a security mode until later into the timeline ^_^ it's (spoilers i guess) actually how the virus gets passed onto him and sun! when his security mode gets added the virus comes with it.
moon's by far got the most eye variations god damn (i love him)
#salmon scribbles#my art#superstar daycare grand opening#dca community#dca fandom#dca au#sundrop#moondrop#sun fnaf#moon fnaf#none of them know what theyre doing and none of them are legally qualified for this#'where did the green on sun come from. why' why NOT. riddle me this batman#riddle me this buttman /ref đ€#also if you have any thoughts or questions dont be shy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love talking abt my litle guys abd my little au !!!!!!!!!#like always though just know its still subject to change at the moment#not for much longer though hopefully!!!#i dont know what to yap abt in the tags today ...... tragedy..........#how am i supposed to annoy people now đđ#annoy people in ways other than my copious amounts of dcaposting#you knew what you were getting into when you followed me o777#could you call this a soft relaunch? idk#ignore me i have 0 idea what im yapping abt now#i just got home from work i literally finished this piece on my lunch break đ#the blorbo grind never stops
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