For @holyfreaks
Originally, this was gonna be a generational cycle thing, focusing on the lgbtq+, then it was gonna focus on Sam and being Demisexual, and I was gonna do something with Dean’s perspective at some point, but umm… this happened instead. Heavy focus on Ouroboros. I guess. Anyway, I think I tagged everything. Idk. This was more rushed than I intended it to be.
Ouroboros and LGBTQ+
Sam
Dean had been gone for barely a week, and Sam spent every waking moment (that’s every moment by the way) since Dean’s death trying to get him back or mourning him. Or both. Usually both. He had been ignoring Ruby for days, he didn’t want to see her, she had promised to help keep Dean out of Hell. She failed.
But as he sat drinking and thinking to himself (a dangerous thing for a Winchester) he decided he had no other choice. Dean would do whatever he could for Sam, so Sam had to do the same. It was his job, look out for his pain in the ass older brother.
It’s funny, Dean never heard John say to Sam, “Keep your big brother out of trouble,” before leaving wherever they were staying. Of course John was never serious, but it stuck in Sam’s head. Even when he was away at college.
Sam tried to ignore it, but he couldn’t. And he couldn’t just call, or drive by Dean’s apartment to check on him. Sam never knew where he went, so he picked up praying again. Every night, day, whenever. He’d pray to whatever being was out there. He prayed that someone would watch out for his brother while he couldn’t. Which, at the time, he supposed was the rest of his life.
Sam thought he figured it out in college, why he felt like a freak. Everyone always talked about how hot others were, and sure, Sam could understand why someone would be attracted to someone aesthetically, but generally speaking, he never really was attracted to someone in that way. Even Jess, though she was probably the closest, and that wasn’t until way into their relationship.
He later figured out that the term for that was demisexual, and he felt less like a freak. He had a name for it. But still there was something more. Something that felt dark and sinister, and frankly he just wanted it gone. Then Dean came knocking on his door.
Or came in through his window, I suppose is more accurate. And eventually, right before he died, Sam figured out what was wrong with him. And it wasn’t his sexuality, or his anything else. He was actually wrong, almost inherently so, and it wasn’t his fault. He’d been fed Demon blood. As a baby! How many other times was that a possibility? How many time did it happen? How much of him was actually him?
Sam didn’t know the answers, and then he’d died, so it hadn’t really mattered, except it did. Because Dean brought him back. How could he do that? He didn’t know what Sam was? What could happen? He didn’t know the possibilities. It irked Sam that Dean didn’t think it through, that he never thought logically, but Sam also knew he needed his brother. He needed that part or Sam could never see the apocalypse through. He’d fail on his own, and now, Dean was dead.
He died, and Sam couldn’t stop it. What a freak. I have all these powers, demon powers, but powers nonetheless, and I couldn’t save my brother.
Sam called Ruby. “I need to save Dean. Whatever it is, I’ll do it. And even if I can’t save him, I want Lilith dead.” It wasn’t what Dean wanted. He didn’t trust any demon, but especially one who claimed to be trustworthy. But Sam didn’t have a choice. Ruby was the only one who could help him tune his powers to bring Lilith down.
“Where are you?”
“Black Forest Motel, Worthing, South Dakota.” Within seconds, Ruby was knocking on his door.
“One rule, is the girl in that meat suit alive?” Ruby nodded, her face contorting into a frown. Sam liked it that way. “You need to let her know. Find an empty suit.”
She tried to argue but found there was no use. She left, and everything was still until she came back.
A few weeks later, after constantly trying to get Sam to drink her blood, Ruby had an idea, “you need to be stronger, you need to avenge Dean.” Anytime she said Dean’s name, Sam’s ears perked up. He was so easily manipulated, all you had to do was lean a little on his love for his brother. “Come on, Sam, you need to be strong if you want to defeat Lilith, and you can’t even exorcise one low level without passing out. It’ll help. I promise.”
Sam didn’t like it, and he didn’t like what came after, it didn’t take long for him to give in, to everything, her every wish. I’m just doing it for the blood. So I can get stronger. So I can avenge Dean. Dean. So often, that’s the mantra that played in his head. He was doing it for Dean. Of that he was sure.
It’s funny, Sam thinks to himself during one of his rendezvous with Ruby. I spent my entire life feeling like a freak. Always the new kid, always the loser, always the guy who didn’t have it together. I can see it clearly now. So clearly. Of course I was the freak. This is who I am. Why didn’t I see that? Why didn’t Dad? Or Dean? Why didn’t they kill me?
When Dean came back, things didn’t exactly go to plan, then again, they never did. Sam was relieved of course, he had his brother back. His Dean. Even though he was distant. Still Sam wanted his revenge. He needed it. He’d come so far after all, so he ignored the angel’s warnings. The angel who was stealing his Dean away. He ignored Dean. He was doing this for Dean after all. Dean didn’t need to understand, just to accept the gift.
That’s what Sam kept telling himself anyway.
Later, when Sam finally got Lucifer trapped in his mind, he took one look at Dean, he allowed himself one look, before jumping into the pit with their other brother.
Sam spent an eternity watching Lucifer and Michael have their fun with Adam, and no matter how he tried, he couldn’t make them stop, he was a freak, even in the cage.
And when they do turn to him, he bends to their will. He bends so easily, and so far, before he even knows it, Michael and Lucifer are using him to torture Adam. Until of course Michael gets bored. Argues that he and Lucifer should play with their own toys for a while, and Lucifer agrees. That is his big brother after all.
I can do this for Dean. I can survive. I don’t have to make it out. I can bend but I won’t break.
He broke. He screamed until he couldn’t hear his own screams, and eventually, he asked for it. For all of it. “Please, Lucifer, please.” And once again, Sam found himself thinking:
I spent my entire life feeling like a freak. Always the new kid, always the loser, always the guy who didn’t have it together. I can see it clearly now. So clearly. Of course I was the freak. This is who I am. Why didn’t I see that? Why didn’t Dad? Or Dean? Why didn’t they kill me?
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the funniest part of any Robin meeting the JL is that every Robin is so distinctly different from the previous one in terms of personality and vibes that the league literally gets backlash. and like, I don't blame them. not to mention that they are non-meta children that dress as a traffic light and fight crime alongside batman in gotham on a nightly basis. i'd also be a bit concerned.
Batman, literally The Night of Gotham personified in the League's eyes, coming into a JL meeting: This is Robin, my crime-fighting partner.
11-year-old Dick Grayson, dressed in the brightest primary colours possible, vaguely hidden murder behind those eyes, never stops moving even for a moment: Hi!
Superman: That's a child. That's-- Bats that is a child. You let a child--?
Batman, deadpan: You try to stop him. Would you rather he try and murder a grown man with a wire?
Batman: This is Robin.
12-year-old Jason Todd, with the biggest grin on his face, about 3 books in his hand, stars in his eyes and a distinct street-kid drawl: Hey!!!
Green Lantern: That's ... that's a different child. What??
Jason: I stole his tires :)
Batman: Tried to.
Jason, stage whispering to the League: basically did.
Green Lantern: that is a different kid, right?? I'm not seeing shit??
Batman: This is Robin.
14-year-old Tim Drake, bo staff clutched in his hand, a wary and tired expression on his face, more on the quiet side, the literal walking definition of don't judge a book by it's cover: hello
Flash: Where do you even find these--
Tim: I found myself.
Batman: This is Robin.
17-year-old Stephanie Brown, literally blonde, with a shit-eating grin, eyes full of nothing but mischief and the most explosive personality you've ever seen: hiya!!
Superman: I give up.
Stephanie: I know, I have that amazing effect on people.
Batman: This is Robin.
13-year-old Damian Wayne, a literal wet cat that will hiss at you, has a sword, the most judgemental stare you'll get from a teenager, ready to jump anyone there:
Green Lantern: WHY DOES HE HAVE A SWORD?!
Batman: ... he came with the sword.
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