#(even if sometimes i think u work too hard;;)
Text
TAKE YOUR PAIN AWAY | quinn hughes.
chapter one:
➴ warnings: shitty mom.
➴ word count: 2.6k
➴ author’s note: and finally, the first chapter of TYPA is here. i wanted to post this only when i had at least the first five chapters ready so you guys wouldn’t wait too long for updates, so thank u all for waiting. again, i cannot stress this enough: read the story’s warnings before reading the story!!! aaand i love u all!!! (also thank u for 200+ followers? insane!)
౨ৎ
2024, MARCH
YOUR ALARM went off at half past five, and you grunted, smacking it with your right hand, trying to make it stop yelling.
After you turned it off, you laid your bed on your pillow again, sighing. Turning your head to the side, you watched as Bella snored like she paid all of your bills and worked a nine to five everyday. You smiled, happy to see her so relaxed.
You got up, put on your slippers and walked to your bathroom, turning on the lights and regretting immediately after, because your eyes took a long time to adjust to the bright, white light.
You opened the tap, putting in warm water and gently wetting your face, before closing it and grabbing your cleanser and starting your morning skincare routine.
Even though you loved to stay in bed, there was something about the early hours of the day. You could go on with your morning with no one bothering you, just working on the steps of completing your morning routine with ease, while the world was still asleep outside— even though Los Angeles never got entirely asleep.
You can wash your face and apply your moisturizer, before stepping in the shower after letting your skin absorb the products. Then, you can scrub your body and exfoliate it, humming to this week’s top song on Spotify charts. You can dry yourself with your fluffiest towel, smear your skin with your favorite vanilla scented body lotion and perfume.
Then, you can wake Bella up, and force her to leave your bed so you can make it. She’ll growl and bark at you, but in the end she’ll be too eager to go outside to do anything else.
You’ll change into your outfit of the day, something cozy, and grab your keys before leaving the house with Bella by your side, taking her to the dog park your apartment complex has, and let her enjoy the synthetic grass while you stare at her, smiling from ear to ear.
You’ll both stay there for ten minutes, with you talking to her about everything and anything, while she sniffs around the place and answers your yapping with occasional barks.
Then, you’ll call her name and go back to your place, starving for food. You’ll make your breakfast, nothing too heavy— a cup of green tea and a yogurt bowl.
You’ll leave your house at sometime around seven a.m., after grabbing everything you’ll need for the day and saying goodbye to Bella, telling her that her dog sitter, Carly, will be there in just a few hours. You’ll get into the car your agency sent to you, greeting the driver and sitting in the back, checking the texts on your phone. And then, you will feel your heart stop inside your chest, because—
What the hell does she want? You thought, squeezing your phone so hard between your hands that, for a second, you thought you’d actually break it.
You haven’t seen your mom in a year. Or your family, for that matter. Your parents, your brother and Canada felt just like a distant, hurtful memory that you wanted to keep away from yourself, buried deep inside your heart.
After making your teenage years feel like hell, and after making you hate yourself in more ways you’d ever think possible, your mom got you signed at the most prestigious modeling agency in all LA, IMG Models. Some people online talked about how you were only the cover of last year’s VOGUE because you’re basically a Nepo Baby, and even though your social media team did their best to debunk those comments, you knew— everyone did— that they were right: you only reached the top that fast because you are the daughter of the editor-in-chief of Fashion and retired model, Jessica Carter.
Not that you weren’t pretty, no, you were. But your last name opened more doors for you than your face and body ever would.
But at the end, you were grateful to be living a normal life— as normal as it could get— away from Canada. That country held painful memories and people that you would much rather watch from afar.
You didn’t reply to her text, you didn’t need to. She made it very clear that your attendance wasn’t an option. Even at twenty-two years old, your mom would always have the final word.
You arrived on set ten minutes after reading that text, sad to have your good mood ruined. But you still had a long day of work ahead of you, so you should just do what you’re best at: pretending you’re fine.
You spent your entire morning at a photoshoot for Elle, posing for infinite pictures and changing as fast as you could, while trying your hardest not to focus on your mom’s text.
Glad to be working with people who were actually nice, you slipped into your work headspace and when you checked your phone again, it was lunch time.
Grabbing the biggest salad from the agency’s restaurant, you ate with no hunger or pleasure. Thinking of your life back in Canada made you sick.
After lunch, you were sent to another location so they could take more pictures of you, the photographer, Garret, making sure to get the right photos of you.
At six, you were ready to head back to home, but unfortunately, part of your job meant interacting with people on social media. Sometimes answering questions online, making TikToks or even posting on Instagram.
౨ৎ
maddiecarter
liked by gigihadid, champagnepapi, darianka and 560,929 others.
maddiecarter @britishvogue 🧸
View all 12,082 comments
avaholly she’s just so pretty i cant
justinpll looked at my gf and sighed
gio_hrris @helenhugo this yo boyfriend?
helenhugo @gio_hrris EX boyfriend now.
britishvogue Stunning 🤩
imgmodels you never disappoint bbg 😌
lisacoleman i love u thank u for blessing my feed
౨ৎ
“ARE YOU leaving already, darlin’?”
Nicholas’ voice echoed as you bend over to grab your purse.
Looking at him, you smiled, tiredly. “Yes, hum. Actually, I need to talk to you about something,” you took a step further, stopping in front of the man you've known as your boss the past four years.
“Yeah, go ahead.” He leaned against the wall, waiting.
“I need to have Friday off,” you started, biting your lip. “It’s a family thing. Promise I’ll be back on Monday.”
“Madison, you’re literally the only model here who hasn’t missed a work day for an entire year, maybe even more than that,” he laughs, blond hair moving as his head turns around. “If you want to take the entire week off, you’re allowed to.”
A week in Toronto? No, thank you.
“No, I just need Friday.” You replied, adjusting your bag on your shoulder.
“You’re free to go, my love. Send kisses to your mom, okay? Tell her to visit us sometime.”
“Of course, thank you.” You kissed his cheek quickly before heading back to the elevator.
On your way home, you thought about all of the things your mom might want of you. Sure, she said that she wanted the family to get together and all of that, but you’re sure there’s more to that. She wouldn’t make you fly to Canada just because she wants to have dinner with you. She’s just not that kind of person.
Entering your apartment, the first thing you did after removing your shoes was go looking for Bella, who had somehow managed to lock herself inside the guest's bathroom, and was whining loudly.
“Naughty, naughty girl,” you kissed her, petting her fur gently. “How did you even do that?”
She just licked you and you sighed, the long hours of work finally hitting you completely. You just needed to shower, drink your daily glass of warm milk and play with Bella for a while before going to bed.
Locking away all thoughts related to Canada, you followed your night routine like you’d usually do, trying your hardest to let the people you buried years ago stay away like you wanted them to.
#quinn hughes x reader#quinn hughes#quinn hughes x y/n#quinn hughes x oc#quinn hughes x you#quinn hughes x model!fmc#quinn hughes angst#quinn hughes au#quinn hughes fic#quinn hughes smut#TYPA
59 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
꒰୨୧꒱
#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...#i've never even been in one and idk how they work & im so scared of many things#i have sm troubles and issues with touch. i've gotten to a place where i cant even stand my own sisters or mom bumping into me#and outside i cant stand when someone accidentally walks into me or touching someone's legs on the bus#i hate it. it's not only feeling uncomfortable i feel distressed and scared and sick#smth that seems very normal in like all couples is that youre 'allowed' to touch eo all thge time whenever#that scares me a lot. like touch is so scary for me. and when youre in a relationship theres just this silent agreement that you can touch#eo all the time and thats like... how it's supposed to be.... ://#thats so scary to me. that theres this expectation and demand that if im someones gf they should be allowed to touch me whnever#and like i've never been in love and been in a relationship and been touched by that person so idk#maybe it wouldnt be an issue. but just thinking that.. i dont belong completely to myself and therefore give up#the right to not be touched if and when i feel distressed or uneasy is too scary for me#maybe i could learn to feel safe with them and want their touch but rn it scares me skskks#what if they kiss me when im feeling extremely sex reoulsed and wanna kill myself bc of my inner agony#and they get hurt when i try to pull away?#bc regardless of what ppl say... it is a truth that in a relationship youre exoected to want physical touch at all times#and it is seen as an insult to your partner if there are other forces within u (like trauma etc) that makes u sometimes uncomfortable w it#but yeah idk... the problem is that... in humanity and society#consent is one of the least important and prioritized things. as a humanbeing living u will have your consent disregarded countless times#and for me personally consent is one of the most important things. & thats one of the reasons why its so hard for me to live in this society#like yes i do want to have a partner and touch and be touched#but what if we're in the store and im feeling particularly bad that day and feel like#i need to turn myself inside out and peel my skin off and feel anxious and scared#and they just casually grab my ass?? then i will go home and kill myself :) or have a breakdown in the store lol#i dont want to go thru this but i also dont wanna put someone else thru it#and like it would be different if they asked first if i was ok being touched and i said yes#and if i said no theyd respect me and not get hurt#but like be for real.... almost nobody does that. and almost everyone thinks thats lame#in most relationships nobody asks eo. youre expected to just always be ok with it. if u want to be asked youre silly and demanding#nobody asks their partner abt that. that just dont happen lmao. so idk. :((( i wish i was normal
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
ANNETTE — “Hi, ace detective.” The young girl stifles a yawn. “We’ll be closing up soon, I’m afraid. Is there anything I can help you find?”
EMPATHY — She’s hoping the answer is yes. Any excuse to take a break from the dreaded *math homework.*
“No thanks, I was just on my way out.” [Leave]
“It’s okay, I don’t want to distract you from your studies.”
“Yeah, actually. I’m looking for a book.”
ANNETTE — She tries and fails to hide her relief as she sets her textbook under her chair. “Of course! What are you looking for, sir?”
“A happy story.”
“A sad story.”
“Something that will make me a better detective.”
“Something that will make me a better person.”
“Something about how to mend a broken heart.”
ANNETTE — “Oh…” She frowns, staring up at the shelves as if hoping that the perfect book will miraculously catch her eye. “Umm… Let me think…”
EMPATHY — She’s genuinely trying to think of one. She wants to help you.
ANNETTE — After a long, long pause, Annette finally lets out a sigh of defeat. “…I’m not sure,” she admits sadly. “I’m sorry, sir.”
YOU — “You can’t think of anything at all?”
ANNETTE — “Well… We do carry some self help books, sir, but…” She casts a quick glance around the store.
REACTION SPEED — Making sure Plaisance is out of earshot.
ANNETTE — The girl leans in conspiratorially and whispers, “Mother says those books are all snake oil. ‘If all it took to change somebody’s life was a book, *we* would be sitting quite prettily.’”
DRAMA — Her Plaisance impression is uncanny! What talent!
YOU — “Why do you sell them, then?”
ANNETTE — “Well,” she coughs, “not everyone agrees with my mother.”
RHETORIC — Translation: because people buy them. It’s as simple as that.
ANNETTE — “But I don’t think that’s quite what you’re looking for, is it, sir…?” She looks up at you with that seemingly impossible mixture of innocence and knowing that is unique to children.
“Yeah, you’re right. It isn’t.”
“No, I think I’ll give the self help books a try.”
“I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, to be honest.”
ANNETTE — She nods slowly, looking down at her frayed nails. “Lots of people come into the shop not quite knowing what they’re looking for. But that’s what’s so nice about bookshops, don’t you think? No matter where you look, you can find *something* interesting.” She smiles bright enough to light up every dark corner of the bookstore and the doomed commercial area below it. “I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for, ace detective. Maybe you just have to let it find *you.*”
+1 MORALE
VOLITION — Here in this bookshop. In Martinaise. Revachol. The world. This seemingly wretched lifetime. In the midst of it all, there is always something for you. Uncurl your fist. Let it find your palms upturned.
#disco elysium#harry du bois#annette (disco elysium)#i care her…#im terribly fond of annette for reasons that are hard to put into words#she’s just a really good kid… 🥺#and also i kin her bc i work at a bookstore too lmao#which is what got me thinking abt this one#i think it’s the nature of retail in general that u meet ppl from all walks of life but esp at the places ive worked#at the bookstore sometimes u will get someone asking for certain books/subject matter that’s just like…#hey do you have any books about how to deal with [insert very specific and very sad life event]#and ur like oh… :( i can try…#and ur a stranger and this is a professional setting so u don’t wanna get personal#but it’s still like. damn. wish i could just beam into ur brain that im wishing nothing but the best for you#anyway. i think annette does that without even trying#i like her… i care her…
216 notes
·
View notes
Text
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUSEI! ⋆ 97.05.06
#fantastics from exile tribe#fantastics#yagi yusei#jr exile#jpop#hkgifs#can you tell that i love cutie yuse the most hehe#my other bday gifsets revealed my hair preferences but this one just shows my love for yagi-chan <33#yusei ilysm but truly i am a yagi-chan oshi at heart :'))#but anyways yusei happy birthday!!!!!!!#i love you so so so much thank you for always working hard every day and sharing your beautiful self with us❤️❤️❤️#(even if sometimes i think u work too hard;;)#i hope today is your best birthday yet and you get to do everything you want💕💕🌻
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i hate how wishy washy my social life is in this city like.#like everything has to be Planned and is a Thing and it’s like. i don’t want to go to a fancy group dinner#or get invited to a birthday party#i just want someone who will go to target with me#or come over and keep me company while i do laundry and then get tacos after like.#something that Actually feels intimate…idk#but now its like. i either go to this fancy dinner with a big group (who are mostly couples) and at least have something to do today#or. i spend my saturday alone.#like even the friends i have 1 on 1 its like. plans have to be made in advance if we wanna go get coffee or something#like nothing is just. spontaneous and casual its alk a Thing#but also like fuck. i just spent whole week at work alone i don’t wanna be alone in my weekend too like fuuuuuck this#and its like. i can’t help but feel like its my fault but i know its been hard because i work remote so im so fucking isolated#sometimes i think i should just move home but i know thatll just make me feel like i failed#at like. moving to a big city and making it work#but also i know its not just me like lonely city by olivia laing blah blah blah but goddddddd#i am a social creature!!!! i want to be around people!!!!! but in a meaningful and fulfilling way!!!!!!!#anyway thats my therapy session for today see u next time#m
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think w avatar in my own base... world that i draw/think. in. of. you know what i mean like the main reality to ME that i've developed the pairings would be well zuko sokka and then i can't decide if i prefer mai ty lee and azula having something weird going on where ty lee and azula have been dating for years and mai orbits them orrr suki and/or azula meeting through ty lee being in the kyoshi warriors (and then the classic mai lee) which i think would be a really fun dynamic to be honest i wonder why i haven't seen it much. anyway. yue and jet are also nebulously alive just cuz idc. i like yue katara i think that's cute even if it's still funny to steal ur brothers ex but i justify it by well as much as they were cute they truly went on like one ? date and just liked each other it just so happened to end very dramatically. it would be the same if sokka dated idk... jet ... anyway. though her and aang are still cute. mostly not like i am centring pairings and Shipping and such it's just easier to have things established just thinking things in my mind U_U i also am pondering an au to do with zuko and yue where they're friends and i'll leave it at that bc i think it's a fun idea i haven't seen around. rubs my hands together.
#🐾#i have a WHOLE thing about the what are they called. azula's angels ?? LMFAO. but i'm hesitant to think too deeply about it#i know people don't like her and ty lee together to begin w which i get i suppose and i am operating off of a world where she's post#redemption and well we know i don't usually vibe with the whole Haha toxic yaoi/yuri tbing i think it's kind of dumb a lot of the time#anyway it would be all worked out and imo no different than like well zuko and sokka. except different bc they were actually friends#and have history together. but neither of them had a quote unquote HEALTHY dynamic beforehand#anyways#it's hard being an eons long z-kka truther bc to be honest i think katara and azula would be so funny#but they simply cannot exist at the same time i refuse. i've said this before AND I MEAN#there's literally nothing technically wrong with it i've even known people who have like had a sibling dating their partners sibling too#it's just Slightly too much ... much like suki and katara like they FOR REAL dated longterm and i would say were in love#her and sokka i mean#and i don't like idk using au's to be like so this can happen i find that dumb anddd what's the word. idk it's just silly to me#i'm too black and white thinking for things like this mannnn. halo#*HALP#like the fun of idk fan works is things can all exist at once u can have multiple aus and pairings and such#and i can do that mostly but sometimes i'm like BAH too much work. or i don't like the other pairings w those characters#but i can't wrap my head around using an au to be like JUST so this can exist outside of the Established World we already have#ie a world where suki and sokka never dated to begin w or something like i don't knowwww#just bc like how would everyone ELSE know that only YOU know that unless it's just for One singular work and then it's like where's the fun#in that... i dunno i gues i don't even really mean it like that either#i honestly am just talking to talk right now hi guys
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
very sad 90% (not all) of my relationships (friendship and otherwise) is reliant on just me making the first moves, whether it be texting first or even starting and maintaining conversations when we r in person. it's kinda so depressing and exhausting.
#hush jelly#vent#idk is it too much to wanna feel wanted#and if i mention it change only happens for a short time#then it just goes back to the way it was#n people always say they just dont want to feel rejected#and its like....#someone isnt always gna wanna talk to u/hnag out etc.#but why should that stop u from trying#idk??? like i know people dont always wanna talk!!!! i still reach out#i still send them silly posts#i still text to check up#or talk to try and start conversation#its not always gna work#and what#just cause i didnt feel like talking once#suddenly youll never intiate again#suddenly its just not worth the effort to reach out and recieve nothing ?#like do u even really care if u dont at least try?#i still check up on people i havent heard from in months#i know its hard sometimes to respond to people#but its always worth the effort for someone u care about#and is it really so much to ask that they extend you the same courtesy#i can think of only two people in my life who do this for me excluding family#thats depressing#and its exhausting for me#my own partner wont text me first#like girl....#i knoe u wanna talk to me#you have said it before
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im sorry but elden beast rlly isn’t that great a boss. like i rlly don’t care if a huge arena and him making u chase him for the majority of the fight makes sense ‘for the lore’ it’s not fun and it just kinda sucks overall. it’s a final boss that makes u hate getting to the final boss
#i also don’t think i should hav to fight radagon more than once either#like once he’s dead that should b it. he’s the big lad’s sword now end of#it makes an already taxing and annoying boss battle even worse#cause like radagon’s not that hard. he’s pretty simple once u know his moveset#but after a while it jst gets so tiresome having to defeat radagon every time …#like can’t we get an item like velstadt’s helm that launches us into elden beast#or better yet don’t force me to defeat a boss ive already defeated multiple times#not be dark souls 2 brained again but they did that for the final bosses#watcher and defender only hav to be defeated once#same goes for nashandra if u went along with unlocking aldia as a boss#and i think that’s cool. i probably wouldn’t love ds2 as much if it forced me to face all three bosses every single time i attempted them#i jst don’t think it’s always a good idea to hav mandatory consecutive bosses#sometimes it can work and be fun and challenging. other times it feels uninspired and boring and a way to make something not that difficult-#-feel more difficult#and that’s what’s happened with elden beast i think#and it sucks too cause i think radagon’s cool as hell but bc ive been forced to fight him so many times#he jst kind of annoys me now#idk. i hav many thoughts that r likely incoherent#plum plays elden ring: mohg madness
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
openly weeping at the idea of someone genuinely hating soul punk.
#like it makes sense obviously that people would. i guess. but i thought most people who didn't like it just didn't like#it because they didn't like patrick all that much or it was too different or they were just upset about fob's hiatus.#like idk i feel like calling patrick's lyricism bad is a little unfair.#like not to compare 2 bad bitches but he's right there. so pete writes comparatively just as cheesy lyrics.#i like that. don't get me wrong. 'cheesy' as a compliment. but like. patrick's lyrics r 2 cheesy 4 u? the fob fan?#like yes he uses a fash buzzphrase in 'dance miserable.' but i am almost certain he didn't think through the implications of it#and 'people never done a good thing' has like. weird liberal ableism in it. but that one was a bonus track and once again reads#very much like something he just. didn't think about very hard. still bad. but it's better than him doing it on purpose.#especially given how much of soul punk actually is actively trying very hard 2 be progressive and the former within the context of the song#reads more as overly cynical than like. actually fash. but he should've phrased it in a non fash-y way. yes.#it reminds me of the 'manifest destiny' line in 'high hopes' by panic actually.#like that's a buzzphrase that they totally didn't think through at all and that's. bad. really bad.#but it's also kinda funny given how liberal democrat these bands and ppl tend to try to come off.#like nobody caught that in 'high hopes?' all those writers in the room and nobody caught that?#was it like a 'maybe someone else will say something' '*crickets*' kinda sitch on that one bc. lol. lmao even.#i hope the white liberal guilt sits with them on that one.#but i digress. soul punk. that's two songs (including one bonus track) with a questionable lyric each.#otherwise both perfectly fine songs.#that being said yeah. sometimes the cynical liberal stuff grates on even me a little at times. like i feel it i really do and i think#patrick makes some important points but it's so bitter. even when he's writing *more about relationships it's just like damn dude.#(*asterisk because everything is political.)#AND I GET WHY. obviously. patrick is just like that a little bit and he was Going Through It. more relevant on truant wave tbh#because i think that mindset works better on soul punk.#i could understand the cynicism maybe tanking somebody's opinion of soul punk but it doesn't really bother me enough to alter my score.#also i understand it's the best song on the album but idk about ppl saying cryptozoology as a single. doesn't totally defeat#the purpose of the song and it would've also been powerful as a single#but it's just such a beautiful Fuck You to have it as a hidden track.#patrick stump#myevilposts
1 note
·
View note
Text
...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
gahhhh. im sure it doesn't sound like it most of the time, but wow my degree is so cool and fun 🥰🥰
#yes it is painful sometimes and yes it is lots of hard work and frustration#but like....... isnt it so cool to find out why the world became the way it is#how people in the past were like us and also so totally different#through the right lens human history is both the ultimate tragedy of a self-obsessed power hungry cannibalistic species#and also the greatest funniest soap opera of all time#stories upon stories#i will be very honest with u i was kind of scared when i started that i had chosen the wrong degree#what if its not as fun at uni as it was at school - what if its actually way too difficult and i end up hating it#but ykw?? im so glad i chose this#(for those who may not know i am a history student)#idk man i just wish more people knew how cool and funny history is sometimes#plus the sorts of ways this degree encourages u to think are VERY useful (esp nowadays)#'always question everything' is the motto and wow it is very enlightening to live like this#where has this info come from - can i trust them? why are they telling me this? what do they want? is it even true? how do they know this?#does this info fit with what i already know? why? what do other people say abt this? does this imply something about the wider context here#look me in the eye and tell me thats not the most important ingredient for being online nowadays#(except for block and move on. that one is supreme we all know that)#if u are not so into history i would encourage u to have a little look at some of the cool stories that are there i think u will like them#one of the funny (and very gory) ones that i would recommend is the life and especially death of maximilian robespierre#he was alive during the french revolution in the late 1700s and the way he dies is fucking hilarious when u know whats going on#i have actually talked abt this a lot on discord bc i think its funny - much to the annoyance of everyone else in the server lol#another one from that time is napoleon's coup and the removal to saint-cloud#the power struggles of the GMD and CCP in china in the early-mid 20th century are also v interesting if u like that sort of thing#this has all come about bc i was reading an account today of the marriage of alfonso vi of leon and castile and princess zaida of seville#and wow i have a lot of thoughts about it#theres no way to tell if they were really in love or not and if so how much#but idk something about it is very sweet and very sad to me#she the daughter in law of the muslim king of seville and supposedly falls in love with the christian king alfonso - she converts#to christianity so she can marry him but they are only together for a short time - she dies a few years later in 1093 giving birth to their#son sancho alfonsez (who is killed in 1108 at age 15) and she's buried at alfonso's favourite church (technically an abbey but ykwim)
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
vaniiii ehe hiya :3 umm we got a system sideblog if yer interested in seein more of us... but ummmm hiya !!!! i missed ya n im glad t' see ya... do ya got any advice fer copin wit' lack of attention from an fp.... we're okay but if ya got anythin it might be helpful for us :33 ehe i love yaaaa -🪴
MIIIIIKAAAAA!!!!!!!!! i missed u guys </3 i would love to see more of u tho i miss you guys when you're not around... although i guess technically you are since you said we're mutuals but skdghds
ough. tbh i've been pretty lucky insofar that i haven't had a lotta issues with that... but in my experience usually if i gotta be left alone for awhile distracting myself helps a lot?
like. go down a wikipedia rabbit hole, or do a puzzle, or play a game you get super invested in. just something to focus on so you don't end up in your own head kinda thing yanno???
otherwise don't feel bad to just. ask for attention? like. it's not illegal to have human desires. and as long as your fp isn't busy or something they probably don't mind talking with you a lil :3 although idk for sure i know everyone has different relationships with their fp so ^^; do not listen to me if you know it'll cause you harm/strife/etc :<
also naps. bc those pass the time reaaaaal quick. its like a lifehack. feeling bad? take a nap. you'll either feel amazing after or like you got smacked in the face with a trout ! oh and also like. doing schoolwork or smth productive maybe? thats not really fun tho so dskghds maybe pick up a kinda time-consuming hobby like crochet or cross-stitch or something where you can use that to distract yourself and have something to do with your hands :3?
but if its like. ur Already Feeling Bad i recommend like. watching a movie/tv show/etc that you really like or getting a Little Treat(tm) or something :3 curl up with a cozy blanket and drink some hot cocoa or tea or something !! its not like. a sure-fire fix. but i find the combo of distraction + comfort media + Little Treat tends to make you feel at least a lil better :3
also if it gets Very Bad just like. destroy some old school work you don't need or somethin. tearing papers to shreds is sooooooo fun. make sure u don't accidentally rip up something you need though skjghds it helps to calm down a lil and then you can work on relaxing a little more !! its not like. guaranteed. but sometimes gettin some of the destructive urges out helps
ily2 mika <3 i would die for u btw /lh
#at least i get destructive urges idk. i usually just rip up papers and stuff i don't need if i get like that#most of the time i can just deal w/ it via distractions (mmmm shitty mobile games) but !! sometimes u gotta Rip And Tear#most of my strats are just. distract urself. bc it gives you time to calm down and process stuff even if you don't realize it#so. ye. jus kinda be nice to yourself :3 it helps a little. perhaps get a plushie to cuddle with even#i have plushies my fp got me and i keep them on my bed and cuddle them when i miss them nd stuff#it helps a little !!! making yourself feel better can be rlly hard tho so don't feel bad if you struggle a bit !!#find some friends to talk to too if you can !!! it rlly helps to have people to talk to even if they don't entirely get it#just having other people around can help. i message with a few friends when my fp is busy sometimes and it helps keep the loneliness#at bay a little :3 but !! obv i cannot guarantee any of this will work for you !! but hopefully some of it is helpful at least !!!#I FORGOR U CAN'T PUT READ MORES IN ASKS. AUGH. this got so long srry mika ily#anyway !!! i am glad to see u :3 i was thinking abt u guys recently actually sdkghsd#i was worried u guys might've been one of the people in recent times that've blocked me or something orz#ily. stay safe. nd !! lemme know if i can help you guys somehow :3#im not like the most versed in system nor bpd stuff but ! i have my silly little experiences to go off of#system anon 🪴#long post#<- j. just in case. bc this did get Long. oopsies
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
advancedneurosurgery
Advanced Neuro Surgery
real-raincode-takes
raincode takes, confessions, and more
agenherbamedvertigrainkaltim
Agen Herbamed Kalimantan Timur
geazer
GEAZER.