#(but then i still emailed it to myself to post from my phone bc i am mobile app exclusive lmao)

[likeawolfatthemoon]

we were dancing underneath the same moon in different galaxies

peter / dancing with our hands tied (taylor swift)

[kuiinncedes]

jdfgdfknfgj

[magebastard]

wip wursday

thank u @coldshrugs for tagging me im NERVOUS abt this 1

im soft writing an if that may stay unreleased forever bc i don’t know if i will have the willpower to consistently post updates but im done w a prologue and half of chapter 1 and it’s been a treat to write about the most romantic place on earth (a tiny beach town in new jersey) here is a scene that I had to email to myself months ago bc I couldn’t figure out how to configure it into actual code properly but this is the first major flirt scene with the ro im in love w the most currently can you tell I started writing this after re-watching the bear

tagging @mrs-theirin @lalizah @darkspawntaxcollectors @grapecaseschoices everyone truly please I need to read my pals beautiful writing

Huh. You think you'd be wise enough to know when hunger is the culprit behind your bad moods at this point in your adulthood. That cloying, constricting feeling in your gut roils in response to Jordan's good-natured accusation and your lips flatten into a smile of surrender. He snorts. You hop up to sit on the counter across from his work station.

Sticking around after close isn't too outrageous of an ask when he's the one offering to make you dinner.

Damn, but it smells good in here. You imagine it'll get old—the smell of diner food permeating the modest industrial kitchen. But now it's only making you too aware that your last meal was a stale cereal bar nearly nine hours ago. Minutes pass. Jordan bobs his head to the music playing from his phone, speakers echoing where it's propped up inside of a clear, Tupperware tub. You don't want to upset the calm of a man's kitchen closing ritual but it feels like you should say something.

"I'm sorry I snapped. I didn't mean to take my bad day out on you," you finally settle on.

His dark eyes flit to yours for barely a moment. It's not too much but it's a strange intimacy. The last two employees on a closing shift, practically basking in the quietened building. It'd be peaceful, if it weren't so bizarre.

You turn your attention to his hands. Quick and certain, he methodically prepares your omelette with an artful precision. Almost more bizarre than sharing this calm moment with your coworker, is the care he measures into each ingredient, delicately incorporated. The effort is so thoughtful, you try to swallow past the sudden tightness in your throat.

"It's all good. I've been here long enough to recognize that ‘I didn’t take a lunch break’ look on anyone," he finally responds. There's a feint, fond smile on his face and it's impossible to deny the warmth of his handsome features. You smile along.

"You know everyone here pretty well?" It's not a question you really need answered. It's obvious. The guy practically has his head on a swivel for the revolving door of coworkers coming in to update him on their personal lives, which he responds to in kind with questions or anecdotes of his own. If there's one thing you've gleaned from your first week back at the diner it's that Jordan is adored as both a friend and a pillar of the business. He's got a singular kind of reliability.

You don't realize you're still smiling until you catch him staring, his hands stalled over pan and fork.

[libra-stellium]

Personal Zodiacal Releasing - My coming of age???

ZR story from when I was 18 which I think literally shows me “growing up.” Based on my lot of courage and lot of necessity, which are both in Leo.

I started a new L1 on June 17, 2014 and I feel like that started the time in my life where I was facing my first serious situations and making my own decisions and being like okay I need to take my independence.

All this revolves around me getting run over by a car (that my aunt was driving) that summer!! I survived with a small fracture on my leg so it’s all good LOL

L4♋️ May 22 2014 (Cool down period) - I found an email from the IB program director at my high school and the attachment was a profile/testimonial thing for the IB program just saying that I got my diploma and how it helped me in college. I graduated high school June 2013. I’m also pretty sure this is the last thing high school related that happened to me

L4♋️ June 11 2014 (LB) (Cool down period) - my aunt runs me over bc her car hydroplanes as she’s picking me up in front of my driving school in the rain lol to set the scene the driving school has a glass wall and glass door in the front so my whole class, the instructor and the front desk in the lobby area watched this happen 😭 The driving school instructor didn’t know what to say when I came to class the next week 😂

L1♍️ June 17 2014 (Peak period) - I can’t find anything specific to this day but since my driving class was from 6/9-6/20 I think that’s probably the day I went back. I remember having to make up a couple missed classes

From 6/26 to 8/7 I traveled to Haiti while my leg was recovering.

L4♓️ July 11 2014 (Major peak period)- I found an email where I was saying that I could bend my leg and cross it and I was going to carnival later in the month

L4♓️ July 31 2014 (LB) (Major peak period) - I didn’t find anything for this date but I posted on Instagram on 7/30 saying I had fun at carnival on 7/29 and I remember not wearing by leg brace for it because I felt better

L4♓️ August 25 2014 (Major peak period) - Two days before this I have an email from Geico asking for documents relating to my claim bc at that point I think I had already been cleared by the doctor and I moved back on campus 3 days after to start my sophomore year

L4♉️ September 18 2014 - I called geico because they needed to ask me questions and I ended up arguing with them bc they were about to not pay me anything bc it was my aunt driving the car and I had to say how I’m 18 and she’s no longer my legal guardian and what they’re saying isn’t even in her policy. Which I think took a lot of courage!!

L4♋️ September 24 2014 (Cool down period) - they send me the settlement offer and it’s 3x what they tried to make me take before the phone call and I accept that! There was another L4♋️ on July 22 2014 which idk if it's the completion of the LB period I started with since it got cut off by me starting a new L1 period. Either way I have no idea what happened that day.

September 25 2014 - I turn 19!

L4♈️ October 20 2014 - I open my first bank account! Not part of an LB cycle but Aries is my 2H!

What I realized about the L1 sign change is that it was necessary for me to separate myself from my aunt and “become an adult” basically! I’m a pisces rising with 8H libra placements and my family has used money and favors a lot as a form of control. I found an email from May 2014 where I was asking her for permission to go to a concert and 28yr old me is like why??? You’re 18!! And I went to the concert in August 2014 after the L1 change and me and my friend I went with still talk about it because my aunt gave us a ride and it was sooooo stressful to coordinate and she was yelling during the ride. I remember thinking this is the last time I ask for anything! Even during the phone call with Geico I was asserting myself as an adult! And when I got the settlement money my family took 50% of it (after medical expenses) and used it for family costs including a funeral. My aunt even said the accident was necessary because the money was a gift from god lollll I’ve been managing my own money since I opened that bank account! No one in my family knows how much I have or how much I make and I'm gonna keep it that way!

Also the fact that I received the settlement check right after starting an 8H year 🤯 I love astrology lol

I'm still trying to figure out how to interpret ZR things that are coming up instead of using it to reflect on the past! Idk why but I feel like for me the peak periods are not peaking??? Wym I got run over by a car during a cool down period??? But my major peak period is my leg healing?? loll I feel like it should be the other way around.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent/personal/health/long post

Omggg so today has been so unbELIEVABLY shitty

First i wake up in pain still from my back going out on sunday when I woke up. That was expected though. My dental aligner trays hurt like a motherfucker to pull out still. Then im getting a quick breakfast together and I get a text from the clinic saying my doctors appointment i needed before tomorrow is canceled AGAIN. I had to check with the clinic and the specialist (appointment tomorrow) if its okay if I have renewed referral clinic appointment next week. So fingers crossed thats okay, because thats whats happening its not possible to see the clinic before the specialist, and ive had the specialist appointment for months, and the clinic only told me i need to renew the referral on last friday, and ive had appointments every day this week. Whatever. It is what it is.

Then im pouring cereal, drizzle a little agave on top because its unsweetened, and then immediately knock the bowl over all over my lap, sticky side down. I still cant go pick up the bits under the table now, because its killing my back to even pull the chair out, my back is in such bad shape. (Was gonna ask the clinic doctor to help out w it too but i guess im going this whole week without a treatment plan, just taking old painkillers lmao.)

Speaking of painkillers, i have one left of this bottle. I have another painkiller type, but its way too strong, and even if i cut it in half itll be too strong, but im gonna have to use that if i dont have any improvement.

So all that above was the easy peasy part of my day. Next is my appointment to renew state benefits (for food). I get EVERYTHING ready all gathered into the one spot in my room i know i can get consistent cell service, and settle down. Phone appointment time comes. I hear the landline downstairs ring. Fuck. I grab my phone and paperwork and i cant make it in time both because of my back problems and also because the landline only rings twice. I literally grabbed the phone as the case worker stopped speaking on the machine. Fuck again. I cant understand the phone number they said on the machine. It takes me a minute to realize its the same number on my paper work. I try to call but my house is a dead zone. Go back to my room, get put thru to the robot answering machine because its the general number. Not a callback number. Fuck. The robot then hangs up on me saying theres a high call volume and to call back later.

But my appointment is now! I call again and get hung up on. I call again and finally get put on hold. This is like 20 minutes after my appointment time because it takes like 7 minutes of talking to the robot to get put into a call. So im on hold, i hear the landline so i rush downstairs to try and get it again but im too late (probably a robo call, we get a lot). There was no new message, so i stay on hold, where im expecting an 80 minute wait time.

Completely fucked up process when i had an appointment scheduled! I shouldve been able to call the worker back on the available phone.

Anyway. Im dying in pain and sobbing on the phone and end up having to sit on the kitchen chair thats hard wood because i got reception in there and i wanted to be closer to the landline just in case. Im sobbing for like the first 2 hours bc of pain from exterting myself rushing around the house. I try sending off a message on the online portal. But its like 'we'll get back to you within 5 days' lol.

My battery gets low so I risk bringing my phone to my room to use the bathroom and grab a charger, take off my dental trays (more pain) so i can eat and drink something. More pain when i get back downstairs.

Im on hold for longer. So i start looking for someone higher up to pester because the whole situation is fucked. Around 3 hours on hold i send off an email to someone whos the director of that org at the county.

Its at this point i realise i might be racking up a huge phone bill, so i start telling myself 'ok sunk cost fallacy this isnt worth the wait' and i start trying to log back into the portal (which id already been doing like 20 times already this day) to request a new appointment. Then the portal keeps logging me out as soon as i log in. And i cant reset my password or do anything.

Im about to give up, going nuts after hearing the same note played over and over on the hold music. And someone fucking answers the phone.

Ho lee shit. I couldnt believe it.

A 4 hour hold that actually produced results????

Apparently all their systems are down and the worker was like 'okay yeah youre gonna be the last person i process today i am not able to access anything right now' and even had to do some stuff manually, but my case is renewed and everything should be settled now

So yeah that was over 4 hours of torture being in the uncomfortable kitchen for so long, when i WAS prepared for my appointment ahead of time. Ugh. I shouldnt have to hurt myself to get this done, but no one else was in the house to catch the landline for me, and i didnt know i could get reception in the kitchen.

(Kind of worked out tho bc i wouldve had to hang up if my doctors appointment today didnt cancel, and also i wouldve hung up if the online portal functioned)

The sad thing is im not even done. i gotta deal with another appointment tomorrow in another town. (Already had to go out of town on tuesday for the teeth aligners/tmj appliances), like the car is not comfortable for my injured back lmao

I dont think the appointment tmr is anything big its prob just a check up and to renew meds, but getting there, early in the morning, is gonna be fucking hard. I doubt this doc will do anything for my back or regular level of chronic pain, but im gonna make a big stink about it because i havent stopped being in pain for like ever, and the past month has just been so fucking hard on me with trying to help family do labor intensive stuff (which is probably why my back got fucked and gave up on sunday)

It really fucking sucks being in chronic pain and no doctors wanna do anything to treat the pain. Ive already been on every type of antidepressant and none of them helped my fibro or depression. Ive actually felt a LOT better since stopping them last winter. But im still in a lot of pain all the time. I dont wnna be like 'give me painkillers' but... give me painkillers. I was so comfortable when i was on them regularly in the past. And then the whole opioid crisis thing happened and now no one gives them to me except when i had endo flare ups (which. Lol. They barely do anything for endo pain. Which is why i was so surprised they did anything at all for my back pain when i took one on sunday!) I have always been responsible with them and always took the lowest dose (cut them in half back then) because i dont like the feeling of painkillers lololol

God tho this back pain... on sunday it was so humiliating, i kept getting stuck where i was because the pain was so bad. Even just lying flat on my back was excruciating. I was Almost at the point where i wouldve needed help to use the bathroom. Even now, while my back is much better (still terrible tho) and with painkillers, i can barely twist to grab toilet paper or reach to dry myself. It fucking sucks. Getting clothes on and off? Sucks. Especially reaching to get my feet out of pants or socks on and off.

You dont realize how much you took for granted until you struggle to do basic daily movement. I thought i was doing so well too because ive been lifting weights since februrary! Just arm workouts tho. Was doing situps until i had another endo flare up in spring. I always forget how bad severe pain situations are, either with an injury or my endo flare ups. Im living in constant fear of the next endo flare up and that sucks too. My current back problem is like, spikes of level 10 pain with movement. The endo flare ups is sustained level 10 pain. So theyre not even comparable but its still super severe.

Anyway. This has been super rough on me. Especially the added pain and overstimulation of the new back pain, and now the constant pain and headache from the teeth aligners, which is another thing im super scared about. What if it ends up making my jaw worse? What if i pull out a tooth? God just prying them off my teeth is like getting teeth pulled it hurts so much. Im like crying when i have to take the bottom one off, the hook digs into my gums and then when one side comes off its excruciatingly stuck on the other side. Literally feels like teeth being pulled. Im surprised my one crown is still in place (ive been pulling from the opposite side to try and save it). And ive already lost a bunch of the tooth spikes they added to keep the aligners in place, but the office is like a 2 hour drive away so i cant just go get the spike replaced. I dont even have a car or license i have to coordinate with family lol. And the brand is like so new theres no online discussions about it so i cant even commiserate or see how people manage to cope with this level of constant pain from the trays, pulling them out, or the extra large bite guard i cant even close my lips around at night. My teeth are so crooked i cant even tell if its in the right placement bc my teeth dont fit in the bite guard tray. So lol. Im trying.

So yeah i dont have faith in my doctors im scared starting treatment is just gonna make things worse especially because thats been the case my whole life. Ill try to get treated for something and then it reveals or causes something much worse i need to treat. But im trying. Its just hard when i have to treat so many fucking illnesses all at once, and theyre all super painful.

Im fucking tired. Want this week to be over. Want to just sleep, but i cant even do that without being in excruciating pain every time i try to move position. Life rly sucks for me rn.

So thats my vent.

Oh yeah, also dermatillomania has been severe lately too lol. So i look a mess but thankfully my lips get covered by my mask. I was so scared the tmj doc was gonna comment on it but i accidentally forgot to take my piercings out before the appointment so he ended up making conversation about those instead of the glaring wounds on my lips and fingers. (He did notice my bandaids on my fingers lol)

So yeah. Send prayers and gay vibes my way pls i rly need it. Fffff time to go cry and put my trays back in

[pokehorsegirl]

hi I’m Paisley! she/her

I’m a 16 y/o Pokéquestrian who lives on Horizon Fields, the farm and stables my family owns located in Turffield, Galar C:

I do eventing with my Galarian Rapidash gelding Charming! he’s 7 years old and stands at abt 16 hh

behold the the specialest boy <333

in general I just rlly love equine Pokémon! we have a lot on our property including many Wooloo

Other ‘mons:

-Snowflake (Glastrier)

-F Blitzle

-F Oricorio ✨

^ we have many pkmn here but these are some of the ones you’ll see me posting abt most! Pegasus and Frank are my dad’s that he lets me ride in competitions sometimes, Pixie is the new foal we’re raising, the only ones I actually own are Charming and Vanilla! I raised Charming from a foal, and Vanilla was a birthday gift from last year

we also take in and train rescues! if you have an equine ‘mon in need of a new home call us at [insert phone number]

if you’re interesting in adopting from us you could call that number or contact us via the farm’s website! [insert link here] our email and other contact methods are listed there ^_^

if you have any other questions abt our farm or Pokéquestrianship don’t feel shy to shoot me an ask! g’day to you all <3

((ooc under cut))

hi! yet another rp blog by @pinkhairandpokemon’s admin. this one isn’t strictly set in my OCverse tho!

kind of a spur of the moment blog I made bc I wanted to project my horse knowledge onto a character + have at least one that wasn’t a traumatized child hero lmao (tho Paisley might get trauma along the line idk I’m still developing her. but all in all she’s just a normal gal)

just some heads up: this may not be totally accurate to real life equestrianship/horse ownership as I am not actually an equestrian irl myself, I just have a few family members who are. I might get things wrong! I am in no way an expert and please do not take whatever you see here as proper advice for handling horses irl

also there will probs be a lot of cheesy stuff here lmao. Paisley has very “instagram horse girl” vibes but we love her

also, ik it says contact abt adoptions, but I haven’t actually set up like. an adoption form or something. that’s in the works though! I’ll also eventually put up a list of ‘mons available to adopt

picrew I used for her pfp:

[mallbangs]

in 2017, i tried to start this project where anyone could call a number and leave a voicemail of literally anything; sounds, memories, whatever they wanted that was tied to a music project called enoshima that had gone dormant until “recently”. i put “recently” in quotes bc i guess we will just have to wait and see (if ur like me with trying to find new music, if u do enough digging on the internet i’m sure you’ll find some stuff) the goal was to use a landline phone with cassette answering machine so i could keep hard copies for a future use of an idea. after buying three used landline phones and phone calls not triggering the answering machines but luckily would still get email copies of the few voicemail audio files i did…in short, the idea failed miserably due to lack of reach, personal reasons, and money because its not free to have a phone number lol and the enoshima project just went dormant with its own reasons as well…

in 2019, i started to brainstorm a more intentional concept that would connect the caller/listener with the music i had started to write (the current project, mallbangs, that i feel lucky enough and honored to work with the people i do now and have had worked with previously, when it always feels so embarrassing for me to release any of it) and the kind of experience i am trying to thread together now, community and a space in the art, music from inside and outside the digital space. i guess attempting to ground the way that i and i think a lot of ppl consume art these days; strictly through their phones.. it’s why i use my music in the voicemail videos and posts with the hope that ppl make the connection that it’s tied together..well.. it sorta started to gain very little traction but better than it had ever previously.

i think the fact that it began to reach ppl was in part due to 2020 and everything that started unfolding that year; pandemic, quarantine, school years and graduations/normal experiences just evaporated, here in the united states the murders of george floyd and rayshard brooks and the summer uprising of 2020.. i could obviously go on… come january 4th 2022, after a year or so of randomly posting about it because i started to think it wasn’t something ppl were really interested in, it went viral. i spent literally 24 hrs, multiple days, no sleep, emptying the voicemail box every 10 - 20 minutes because that many ppl were calling. i got so anxious, and this feeling of guilt because i wanted everyone who was calling to have the ability to leave one. i didn’t want to let anyone down those first weeks. it’s not as intense as it was then but im still emptying the voicemail box multiple times a day. i’m ngl i freaked out. it was completely overwhelming.

through out last year the project, my personal, and music accounts nearly got banned about 20 times or so because i was unaware that i was doing something that wasn’t allowed on a certain platform. somehow, all of the accounts survived, and it’s up to over 80k voicemails. i even started accepting DMs to post just in case speaking was too much for someone and that’s at a few thousand now. started a p.o. box as well and that’s been very little. allowing the project to evolve into web of different formats naturally as it feels that it wants to. i’m not sure if someone’s written words are any easier to absorb than hearing some ppls pain audibly. both written and audio recorded msgs have made me breakdown more than i can count on what seems inevitable but still for unknown reasons to myself, unexpected.

the new song gutter was inherently inspired and written about all of those emotions i had and have been feeling from the voicemails and what not as well as my own personal shit whether i was consciously aware of it at the time or not. some of the time im oblivious when writing. more often than not it just happens melodies and lyrics fall out like word vomit. stream of consciousness or serendipitous i guess. it became evident it was inspired by all of the aforementioned when i started trying to piece together random lyrics it already had ruminating and while demoing it out. the song had started to, in a way, show me what i was trying to convey. which is why you hear the guttural stutter in the beginning and end. its the dying sound of the radio in my car i no longer have for transportation and hundreds of voicemails collaged together in the demo. When i went to actually record the song, i insisted on keeping that collaged stutter of voicemail’s and noise bc it would have lost what i felt made it even more personal for me. idk if this is fucking pretentious or stupid to say, but that incessant stutter is like symbolic for getting drowned out when u need to be heard.. isolation.. denial.. i guess, if the lyrics are even that revealing. i always try to make lyrics not so surface level but yea i think this one is maybe more surface level than others and yea i just think the stutter sounds cool too.

if you’ve been following the music or the voicemail project for a while, this song could either have been a subliminal experience (of) or maybe surface level at best what its place is in either the VM project or in the music; descending from the official version, a demo version lazily titled “sorry demo”, and the early version which was an acoustic demo. the latter of said three versions had long been the de facto voicemail project song for a while, I guess. 

if its familiar to you because you know me its probably because, as you know, I tend to neurotically play so many song ideas on the guitar into the ground that it’s to the point I don’t realize Im playing them when im around y’all lol 

to everyone else, if this song had been familiar at all to you prior to it being released it is because the acoustic demo version was used around that period of time in 2022 when i was repeatedly getting threatened with being banned.. potentially losing the VM project’s account, the art, and the memories of genuine interactions with strangers that I often tend to think isn’t really real sometimes. Like having felt some of you accepted me for me or what I am emotionally/comfortably able to present to you online..and in that sentiment irl I maybe take for granted interactions with new potential friends or even strangers sometimes as well tbh. 

I realize all of that previous paragraph could be redundant, im sorry :/ But, I have such strong passion for the music and the voicemail thing. So much so that i’ve never monetized any of the voicemail stuff. i’ve never made any “merch/products” to sell or have tried to turn it into a business because these things i create or write mean more to me than the idea of “curating for profit”. never intended for any of the voicemail stuff to be a “marketing strategy” thing. the music hasn’t been recognized as part of this thing, probably due to my lack of making the concept of all of this clear, and probably because of my pride in not wanting any of this to be perceived as such. which i know in this capitalistic hellscape it will be ripped off and done in such a way that someone may be successful from it, its already happening as many have pointed out to me.

out of all this silly voicemail thing and my musical attempt, the most important thing i’ve learned is that everyone just needs someone to speak to even if they don’t talk back. someone just to listen. to be able to get lost in music that takes them somewhere they can feel comfortable like i try to do everyday when listening to music. the voicemails, the DMs, writing music.. it gets very mentally and emotionally overwhelming for me.. listening to them everyday, reading the DMs everyday, struggling to gather the energy in me that never seems to wither to just write.. and if someone offered me a path that is without any of that? i wouldn’t take it. even if it meant making some of these lingering feelings just go away for good.

a few people have told me to end the project because they’re afraid of what it could be doing to me. their concern is valid. i won’t deny that. but i feel as if this thing is larger than myself at this point. and i think the take away for me from all of this is that, im just glad this silly little idea may be helping someone when i myself most times feel like i have nowhere to go or no one to run to. and if i die tomorrow ill be at some what of peace knowing that if i have done anything worth meaning in this short experience of life that we all get to share with one another, its the music and this voicemail project and the community, the safe space ..all of whatever the music and this project has given someone…everything i feel that i never had. i feel eternally honored and grateful that if at all, it has helped someone when i couldnt even help myself.

there’s nothing i could give that’s of equal value to the gratitude i have for anyone that has ever left a msg of some sort and has or continues to support this project and the music. so all i can say is thank you.

with all the love i have,

aidy <3

[wygolvillage]

hmmm well. im gonna do something sillay and a bit uncalled for and uninstall the tumblr app

ive noticed i get easily sucked in by the infinite scrolling and get pretty social media brained by it all and i dont mean this in an IM QUITTING TUMBLR!!1!1!1 way bc im still using the Website ofc. but so many apps and sites are competing for our attention spans and stuff and i think Not having the app on my phone constantly to fill my idle time will make me more willing to spend thst time on something more constructive!! like not to sound like a total oldhead like "kids these days and their phonez!!!" but i do think one day i would like to be off social media entirely lol bc of how much of it has just become adspace and stuff.... you know, my usual complaints about the modern net :P blehhhh

anyway if u really need to contact me in my off time my website (link in my pinned post!) has a handy little contact page with my discord, my Personal Email Address, etc, the forgemasters forum is also always there, and i also have a chatbox on my website, so its not like its gonna be total radio silence when im not on my computer like. im still Around, and i do like the idea of using "slower" methods of communication you know? rather than like. the instant Mouse Pushing Button For Juice Reward. i am at heart a Girl Who Is Online but i think it would be beneficial for me to slowly taper myself off from being constantly scrolling through tumblr so thats what i am deciding to do

tl;dr i hate apps

have a good evening everyone <3

[motleyfolk]

Examining How I Use The Internet

Prompted by this page I’ve realised I’m doing a lot of mindless scrolling and procrastinating a lot with the internet. Time to fix that. Mari Kondo’ing this shit.

Reddit: I mindlessly scroll and always gravitate to drama subs like AITA, which just depresses the life out of me and drags me into negativity. 

Solution: Block the bad subreddits with stayfree and use it to put a limit on how much time I spend on there, so I can still access useful and informative subreddits but not doomscroll. Stayfree did heehaw but I found a simple extension that blocked the subreddits and then used Ublock to hide popular posts so basically it’s just my specific feed now. Win!

Tumblr: I also mindlessly scroll here, albeit less. Sometimes on instinct I feel the need to put on a persona or post certain things or overly clarify things to appease spectators I’ve crafted in my head or feel a need to perform. Makes using this site stressful.

Solution: Remind myself this tumblr is my digital journal and while I’m open to making friends this is not something I’m doing to get clout. I am here to collect, learn and explore. 

Twitter: I rarely go on it anymore, and I just don’t like it. The only things that were on it that I liked were cute and cozy aesthetic accounts, but even then nah.

Solution: Delete it. Twitter gone woo crab rave

Discord: I use it the most to talk directly to irl and online friends, have a bookclub and get updates on random stuff. Sometimes it feels like a void.

Solution: ?? Need it to talk to friends. Just meditate or smth. Like tumblr, don’t feel the need to perfom or put on a persona. Vibe only.

Youtube: Also started procrastinating by going on there with the intention to watch this One Specific video and then I’m on the 4th Im Skylar White Yo lego video. 

Solution: See if there’s something that can block the yt homepage and just see subscriptions or smth. ABSOLUTE UBLOCK W HOW IS THIS SO EASY AND I NEVER KNEW?!

Emails: I’m scared to even touch my gmails bc of the amount of spam mail I’ve accumulated since I was 8.

Solution: Buckle up and start unsubscribing to junk mail and clearing them out THEN switch from gmail to literally anything. Done techgirl email

Internet In General: I think I use a decent not centralized browser. I use yt adblock like a champ. But I really need to go over security notes, find a vpn, make sure this browser is cool, download that torrent browser thing sometime. 

Solution: Find vpn, get torrent browser thing, use throw away emails or card info.

I also generally feel like I have to put on a performance. Is this down to that one time I was a microceleb in this one niche shitty instagram community? Maybe. Theres a voice at the back of my head like “Will this get notes? Will people laugh at this? Does this fit? Will this slightly put someone off?” and its exhausting because I’m not here to get clout I’m just wanting to chill!! I do however want to make friends and meet like-minded folks, don’t wanna create an echo chamber for myself. Hm...

Solution: Recognise this behaviour, the thoughts. Listen to them, deconstruct them, let them pass. Do this constantly. Do not engage them or let them influence you. (realising this sounds like some spc lmao)

I sometimes skip posts with hardly any upvotes or notes because unconciously Im only paying attention to bigger posts. This means I miss out on tons.

Solution: Use good ol ublock to hide note and upvote elements.

Spotify: Love music. Like the spotify wrapped thing. Hate spotify, it is evil company. I don’t even pay for it thanks to my bestie. But...

Solution: Compile music elsewhere (where ?)

Instagram: I’m not actually active on it, I just still have it bc it has tons of cool anime edits I’ve saved over the years. But I hate zuckergram.

Solution: Export the sick edits and delete zuckergram. I will do this on my phone.

End Notes

Compared to a year ago I’m much more aware of how I’m using the internet. My phone usage is down to nilch, it’s almost like I never spent 16 hours a day on instagram straight as a kid.

Having a path still ahead to walk down doesn’t negate the mountain I climbed before.

The sites I use most are Reddit, YT, Tumblr, Discord. Thats four I’ve whittled it down to, which is actually an ok number, not too bad. One for solitary reading, one for spooks and funny videos, one for semi solitary blogging, one for communication.

Should come back to this later and re-examine things and not forget to do these things.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I wish you hadnt blocked me. I wish you'd readd me and talk to me. I'd do anything just to talk to you.

I know I'm crazy. I have good intentions though. I can't make you talk to me. I can't make you want to know me. I only hope you still do. All I know is I'm sorry.

I should have moved on. Your Instagram was a ray of sunshine shine in my life. It gave me hope and kept me alive.

It also confused me and lead me on but nonetheless every post you made made me smile. I used to have them saved on my phone and they actually kept me alive. I have them saved on Dropbox now cause they make me sad cause I feel delusional thinking you were posting about me. All I know is everytime you posted it made my day to see through your eyes.

I don't want to know you in that capacity therapist and client but I don't think you'll ever give me the option to know me personally.

I only hope one day I'll hear from you. I'm going to keep writing. This is my dairy.

You've made it into my dairy thats for sure. I'll never harm you. I'll always love you and care about you.

You probably read some of this and cut me off cause in crazy. Just know I'd never hurt you. I only want you to be happy. I just want to talk to you but I want you to want to talk to me.

I tried to readd you awhile back but you never accepted. I don't think you will but you have to know my intentions are good

One thing I hope you remember about me is I'm a good person. I'd never force someone to talk to me. I wish I could make you want to talk to me but I can't do it.

I hope you don't think psychosis made me into a lunatic. I hope you still see me as the same guy.

I hope you remember my eyes. I know i remember yours. I don't want to lose you but I already did. I urge you not to come to my tumblr if you don't want to read my writing about you.

This is where I get my feelings out. This is where I make myself feel better.

I can't say I'd add much to your life. I love myself. I'm a good person and I'd be there for you for anything and everything but- I'm useless otherwise. Broke. A loser. A nothing. And I'm crazy.

I'm not dangerous crazy. I'm just so sick life isn't worth living.

If you ever messaged me it would light up my life. That's the sad thing. Your email won't but I'll take it. I might not even ask your boss. Cause then I feel like I'll be forcing you to talk to me. I can only meet at 430 anyways.

I don't think you want to know me in any capacity. The sad thing is, how can I blame you. I don't have anything to offer but love and a genuine friendship.

It's not much. Not matter what Elise, I want you to be happy. I truly mean that. I would have felt honor to have dinner with you and your whole family brendan included. I feel I have to add that bc I can't hide my feelings.

Something that kills me is I waited a year bc I thought I'd hear from you. I didn't talk to other women. I really thought you were my soulmate.

I guess you're not but I'm glad you find your soulmate and you're happy. I can only hope I can be your soul friend.

My time is limited with this auditory hallucination.

I'd really like to reconnect. I can't make you.

More than anything as selfish as I am- your happiness means more to me than closure. .

If you're still reading I ask of you to do what's best for you. Be happy. You don't have to read. You don't have to care. You don't have to check in on me.

I'm not worth it. But you and your beautiful family is. You're lucky. I wish I could have enjoyed dinner with you guys. I wish I could play minecraft with your daughter. I wish I could be apart of things but I can't make you want that.

All I can say is I'd never throw you under thr bus. That's the thing.

Sometimes I think what if she's trying to getting her own practice and then talk to me after when she doesn't have someone to report to..

The problem is my brain wants to believe you love and care about me so badly it'll say anything.

This is what I believe:

1) you were never here until maybe after you blocked me on Instagram

2) you may hate me or maybe you care and can't talk to me

3) maybe you are waiting to get enough clients for your own practice but idk.... that's stupid of me to assume if you did it it would be to expedite us talking.

4) I don't believe you'll read anymore. I'm writing thinking MAYBE :) as a stupid hopeful person. But I don't expect you will.

5) maybe just maybe you did have feelings for me and you lost them. I don't think you do anymore.

Just live your life and be happy. That'll make me happy. I really wish i could have been the cool guy who came over and hung out with your girls. Gamed with you and your husband.

It's okay that I can't be that guy.

I know I'm a lunatic now. I'm a good guy though elise. My intentions are good.

I only hope you remember my eyes.

[airsigh]

ivory scorpion & jewel knight 👁️‍🗨️

ivory scorpion: aaaaahhhh!!! ok i think about this question a lot bc i love fashion (even though i have no sense of it myself) and i love video games. i don’t know why but i’m thinking along the lines of like oxenfree or the last of us, like dystopian/horror street style? so i’m thinking casual/comfortable but also efficient! there’s this pair of grey khaki pants from z*ra that i’m looking for a sustainable dupe of, they’re dark grey, kinda loose but still form fitting, tapered at the ankle and they have SO MANY POCKETS. because if you’re fighting monsters, you’re gonna want pockets. then i’m thinking a white cropped tank top, a very basic clean piece but would still look rad as hell covered in blood. then like an oversized but cropped zip-up hoodie with, again, so many pockets and a fanny pack or little bag with lots of compartments! this is a boring answer but i love the casual apocalypse look.

BUT i also love sci-fi fashion and i’m specifically thinking an outfit that @/general.caronobi posted on tiktok, i think it’s the first video in her space/futuristic clothes playlist? like the baggy pants (pocket galore ofc), cropped t shirt, shoulder-wrap-knit-scarf-shirt-thing. idk i’ll link it but pair that with those chunky goggles that mechanics wear and a fanny pack…. the dream! longest answer ever my b 💗 thank u for indulging me

for weapons, i love the idea of two daggers w like thigh or upper arm holsters but ALSO love a good baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire

jewel knight: i don’t know how i’d cope with fame, probably not well <3 but i think i’d like for it to be for my writing! once i’m brave enough to start publishing gjdjgjdjg

i had a healing session back in january and the healer said that i would be very well known for my own healing abilities? and a reader that i saw a couple times said the same thing??? and i’m not fully convinced but i think it would be cool to be well known as a reader or energy healer! definitely not there yet in my own practice though (but to anyone reading this, hi! msg me for an oracle or tarot reading!! i charge by donation, i can do readings by phone, video or email!)

[internetaddict104]

I really just need somewhere to vent, or someone to talk to

(I put a break bc this is super long but I really need to vent)

Back in August my mom and I decided that I would go to cosmetology school so I could actually be independent and do something with my life.

The school we chose is great, and I’ve been really excited to go. They have a rolling admission, so new classes start every month. My mom said I could start in September, even though we’d be cutting it close with the paperwork and stuff we needed to fill out beforehand. I was more than thrilled- finally I could get out of the house, and get a job! I could actually maybe have a social life?!?! For context- I haven’t had a social life since 2017, when I was a college freshman, and that only lasted a few months. I have no irl friends and my 2-3 Internet friends live in either a different country or the opposite side of my country.

The September start date rolls around and I’m not there. Fine, okay, whatever, we only decided this like 10 days ago, it’s way too soon for me to start. I get it, totally okay. Mom says, okay, let’s do October since we’ll have more time.

Classes started October 4, and I didn’t go. I spent the last 2 weeks of September fighting with my parents about this, since they decided October was also too soon, but neglected to tell me that information. I needed certain financial info from my mom (she’s the finance person in the house) and she kept telling me “remind me later, we’ll discuss it tomorrow” whenever I brought it up, so I literally couldn’t move forward even if I wanted to. Whenever I brought it up, and I would do so respectfully and calmly, my dad would start yelling at me to calm down and stop overreacting. And just so you know I actually did speak calmly, and I’m not twisting words, my dad also yelled at me to stop overreacting when I accidentally dropped a knife and it almost cut me; I had gasped in shock because I wasn’t expecting a sharp blade to almost cut my hand while doing dishes. I don’t think I’m alone in saying having a knife almost cut me would shock me a little. (All the shit my dad’s said/done over the years could be it’s own separate post tbh). But hopefully now you get the idea that I was actually trying to have a normal conversation about this more than once.

Admittedly, I did actually get upset when I figured out I wasn’t going to stay in October, because again, I had to figure it out myself. And the way I figured it out was essentially by giving up hope and making petty remarks until my mom got mad and yelled at me. I know, not the best way to get info but it’s the only way that worked.

So yet again we planned for the next start date, November. Classes start on the 2nd, so I should be going this week. But nope! For the third time in a row, my mom fucked me over! And she expects me to be ok with it and not get upset!

I did everything myself this time. I set up all the meetings, I sent out all the paperwork (except for the parent stuff, which I made my mom do by pestering her and basically hovering over her until it was done), I made all the phone calls, everything. I have never been so proactive in my entire goddamn life.

The last thing that needed to be done was the financial aid. My student loans went through, but we were still waiting on the parent loan. My mom submitted everything last week, last Friday she finally checked her email to see that she was missing something, so her loan couldn’t be completed yet. She sent over what else they needed, and the financial aid lady fast-tracked it so I could start this week because it was literally one sheet of paper and it was the end of the day on a Friday. And it still wasn’t enough. This woman checks her email at least once an hour, I don’t understand how she missed this for over a week (the email was old when she found it).

Because of that, I can no longer start school this week. I now have to wait until at least December. I say “at least” because I just know something else will come up and I’ll have to change my start date yet again.

I feel awful feeling like this but I also feel like I’m justified? It’s my mom’s fault for not seeing the email. There’s no way I could’ve known about it to check, or look at her emails for her. This is the same way she cheated me out of my college experience in 2017 and I’m still bitter about it. I know I sound like the absolute worst person ever right now, but I don’t have a therapist (and if I did my mom would be in the waiting room the whole time and ask me about the session when it’s over, she’s done this before) and the only people I can talk to about this are my parents, who I can’t actually talk to about this. My dad will tell me I’m overreacting again, and my mom has already told me she feels bad about this and I don’t wanna make it worse. I’ve been holding back tears all day because I’m so upset and frustrated.

It’s like holding a treat in front of a dog’s nose, but just out of reach, so it keeps crying and reaching for it but it’s always just too far away.

This is the first thing I’ve been excited about in over 6 years and it’s not fair that right before I can get it, it gets taken away from me at the very last minute.

My parents keep getting annoyed with me because I’ve started saying that I should just find something else to do, or I’ll just start in January. They keep yelling that I’m being such a pessimist and to stop, and while they’re right that I’m a pessimist (I always have been, it’s nothing new), there is literally no precedent for me to be optimistic here. Every time I get to the finish line the universe places another boulder in my path. Why should I be optimistic that the fourth time will actually work, when we were all set to go for the third and that didn’t happen. We’ll be in the exact same position for December as we were for November, so why can’t I start in November?

If my mom had checked her email even 1 hour earlier, I could’ve been starting this week. Now, who knows when I’ll finally get to start school.

It’s not fair that I keep getting shafted because of other peoples mistakes and oversights. The one time I’m actually excited for something, and the one thing that’ll help me be a real adult (I’m almost 24, no job, no degree, no license, still lives at home, no love life, nothing).

Also I really need a therapist but I’m not sure how to bring it up to my parents without them asking why. And we don’t have a lot of money so we probably couldn’t afford one anyway (and I’m not doing online therapy since we live in a small house where sound travels).

Oh, and you should keep in mind that this is the same mother whose been telling me to get a job since the day I turned 16, and then got mad at me for getting a job, and has been telling me to go back to school since 2018.

[yutadori]

remember on sunday when i said that i was going to wake up early on monday and start the outline for my midterm well it's tuesday 8:25 pm and i just barely got out of bed and haven't done anything

[sluttywonwoo]

dear beautiful tumblr user hotgirlwonwoo, did we ever get a part 4 of vern liking his best friend bc that shit has been living in my mind rent free and i need to know what happens next!! (pls ignore if u've already mentioned smth abt not doing anymore - i've been off tumblr for a while & couldn't find anything in ur recents posts kalsfjaf) love u lots ! x

read parts 1-3 here

you sound breathless on the phone, vernon thinks. had you been crying? his heart drops to his stomach at the thought. he hadn’t meant to be so weird when you came over. he just… couldn’t help it.

vernon had tried getting off again after you left. but he was too distracted to cum. he could tell you were upset by the way you blew him off at the door, but he still managed to convince himself that maybe things would be ok. now you weren’t replying to his texts, and he was getting worried. so he called you.

“what?” you demand upon answering, and that’s when vernon hears it. the heavy breathing. it catches him off guard, you must’ve been way more upset than you had been letting on. had something happened? had you needed him and he pushed you away? “vernon? are you there?” you ask, yanking him out of his spiraling. he realizes he hasn’t said anything yet.

“oh, uh, you weren’t answering my texts,” he says stupidly.

“i didn’t see them. but you only sent them thirty minutes ago. do you expect me to wait around all day for you to message me?”

he shouldn’t have called. this was a dumb idea. you sound impatient and angry and yet the uneven breathing on the other end of the line makes him think about having you underneath him. his mind wanders to what you’d sound like if you were out of breath because of him, if you’d pant or moan…

“no, not at all!” he scrambles. “you just seemed upset when you left earlier, so i thought you might be ignoring me.”

“i was upset,” you admit easily. the next part is a little harder to verbalize. “you were acting strange, like you wanted nothing to do with me… so i was just taking time for myself— away from my phone.”

hearing this makes vernon panic because that wasn’t the case at all. it was the opposite, actually. he wanted everything to do with you, and it was driving him crazy. he had never had a crush on a friend before and he was still having trouble coming to terms with it, but he hadn’t meant to make things weird between you in the process.

“i’m sorry,” he says hoarsely, “i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to make you feel that way. i’ve just had… an off-day. it had nothing to do with you, but i shouldn’t have let it ruin our movie night.”

there’s a pause before you respond.

“it’s ok. i’m sorry you had a bad day. is it that professor again?”

“yeah,” vernon lies.

“you should’ve just told me! i could’ve typed up a strongly worded email for you or something.”

“i… was embarrassed about it. i’m not doing well in his class.” another lie.

“vernon, it’s just me. you know i won’t judge you about something like that.”

he does know that. but you would definitely judge him if you knew the truth.

“yeah, i know. i’m sorry.”

“i know you are. just… tell me next time, okay?”

“i will. and i’ll make it up to you! do you want to come back over? i know it’s kind of late, but we could watch another movie, or an episode of our show?”

“oh, um… i’m a little busy right now,” you answer.

vernon deflates, but he understands. he isn’t sure that he would’ve been able to keep his emotions in check if you were to come back over anyway. and then you’d be right back where you started.

“that’s okay!”

“i’m free tomorrow night, though.”

“i am too. you should come over then.”

“sounds good! i have one condition, though.”

“what is it?” he asks, willing to do quite literally anything for you.

“since you’re making up for today and all, i get to choose the snacks.”

“deal.”

he can hear you smiling through the phone when you continue. “okay, we have to have popcorn and red vines.”

“i’m on it. i’ll go to the store in the morning,” he assures you.

you work out the rest of the details together and then hang up for the night. vernon feels a million times better than he did when he dialed your number. he hasn’t ruined everything with you, at least not yet. he has twenty-four hours to get his act together so that things can feel normal between you two, and step one is getting rid of that pesky crush.

[nugnthopkns]

i wish i could disappear

word count: 3.6k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, cursing, feelings of anxiety due to social media harassment, invasion of privacy that border on stalking

recommended listening: brutal | olivia rodrigo

series masterpost: here

a/n: and we're off to the races!! i love this album and olivia so much. there's a shoutout to goon by tobias jesso jr. in here bc it's my favourite album to cry to lmao (highly recommend giving it a listen!). i'm on the fence about this one but am posting it anyways because i don't think i can make it any better

How the fuck do people find your social media?

All of your accounts are private and Kevin makes sure to never tag you on the rare occasion he posts a picture of the two of you together. The wives and girlfriends who have public accounts make sure to never post about you, and you’re careful not to comment on posts often. You’re a private person and though you understand that due to the nature of your relationship with Kevin you intrigue some fans, you don’t want to give them more than you have to.

Despite making no attempt to open up to the public or media, every day you wake up with hundreds of follow requests from complete strangers. At first it was a little exciting knowing that people were curious about your life but after years of the same routine it’s become draining. It takes you nearly twenty minutes each day to weed through them and accept only the people you know personally. Kevin doesn’t actually know how many people want to catch a glimpse of your daily life because you do your best to keep it from him. Knowing would only bring him stress, and you want him to be able to focus on winning games and loving you with his entire heart.

☼☼☼☼

The phone on your desk rings loudly, pulling your attention away from the computer screen that has way too many numbers on it for your liking. The finance department needed someone to proof their audit before sending it away and since you’re the only one in human relations that has a business degree the job landed on your shoulders. Eager to take a break, you pick it up and press the receiver against your ear.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other side laughs gently, but you immediately know it’s Kevin. “Hi sweetheart,” he says warmly, “How’s work?”

“Fine I guess. It’s work, Kev. Nothing terribly exciting happens here,” you explain but continue to fill him in on all the coffee pot gossip you got this morning. Kevin listens as you complain about forgetting your lunch on the counter and chuckles at how upset the situation makes you.

“What if I told you I’m outside your window with a burrito bowl?”

Excited at the possibility of seeing your boyfriend before dinnertime, you whip towards the window and spot Kevin on the sidewalk, waving like an idiot despite knowing your office is on the fifth floor. You hang up quickly after telling him you’ll be down in two minutes and let the receptionist know you’re stepping out for lunch. There’s a line for the elevator so you head to the stairwell, taking them two at a time in your haste. You’re crossing the street to the small park where Kevin has set up a picnic before your co-workers are even out the door.

You plop down on the blanket beside Kevin and lean into him. He presses a sweet kiss to your forehead before passing you the food he brought. You take a bite, sighing at the taste. Kevin knows you better than you know yourself and knew exactly what to get that would satisfy your mounting hunger.

“Thanks babe,” you smile, holding up your fork and offering him a bite. He takes it graciously but makes a face. “What’s the matter?” you laugh as you take the utensil back.

“I fucking hate avocado.”

The two of you eat in relative silence, speaking only when you remember a detail from your morning. Kevin tells you about the drills he’s going to lead at practice in the afternoon and what he plans on cooking for dinner since he’ll be home before you. You insist you can whip something up when you get home but Kevin shakes his head. He reminds you that relationships are give and take, and that you’ve made dinner the past three nights because he had a string of games. You manage to reach a compromise that has you doing the dishes before you have to return to work.

Kevin insists on walking you back to your office even though you protest vehemently. Your relationship is far from secret, and has been the topic of workplace gossip more times than you can count, but after five years you’ve learned to ignore most of it. However, you don’t want your co-workers to think you flaunt your NHL player boyfriend to prove you’re better than them. They all love Kevin, and a couple of them congratulate him on last night’s goal as he follows you down the hall. A few of the newer hires stare in awe and shake his hand, completely blown away that one of Philadelphia’s biggest stars is asking how they like their jobs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to approach you to do PR for us,” you chuckle as you flip the light on and close the door of your office.

His laughter echoes off the walls as a pair of strong arms find a home around your waist. “It would be kind of fun to hear myself crush those radio commercials.”

“Since when do you listen to the radio?”

“Checkmate,” Kevin sighs, pulling you closer. He kisses you quickly, not wanting to give a show to anyone who could be walking past, but it still sends you reeling. You don’t want him to pull away and kiss him again.

You get your way for a few more moments and then Kevin’s leaving with a promise to not burn the house down and wishes for a good rest of the day. Focussed on giving the audit its final once-over you don’t bother pulling your phone from the drawer you had placed it in when you got to work that morning. You turn up the small radio at the corner of your desk and get to work scanning the document for errors. There’s a mistake halfway through that skews the rest of the data and fixing it takes a bit of time, but it isn’t a huge deal. You have nothing else to do except answer a few emails and organize meetings for after the weekend.

An hour or so later you’ve completed all your tasks and debate what to do. It’s too early to leave for the day, so you decide to kill time by checking your phone. You’re expecting a few notifications, perhaps two or three memes in the group chat you share with your friends, but not the hundreds that greet you.

The majority of them are instagram notifications, and assuming they’re just more fans requesting a follow you ignore them, instead heading to your text messages. There’s a picture from Kevin of a dog he found walking home and another from your mom asking why you haven’t called home in a few weeks. However the one from Claude’s wife is the one that piques your curiosity.

Just a heads up that someone posted a pic of you and Kev to one of those stupid wag pages. I filed a request for Instagram to take it down but it’s gotten a lot of traction. Sorry :((

Your heartbeat increases rapidly and a million thoughts fly through your head at a rapid speed. Fingers shaking, you respond with a thanks and open up the dreaded app. You don’t see it immediately, your feed being full of photos belonging to friends and family, but it’s in your messages almost two hundred times. Many of them have text attached and you know there will be a comment about your relationship regardless of which one you open.

Tapping on the most recent message you brace yourself for the worst. The new window opens a photo someone took of you and Kevin while eating lunch in the park across from your office not even three hours prior. It’s grainy and the camera angle is strange, but you’re eating and Kevin is looking somewhere out of frame. The accompanying caption reads Kev and his girlfriend out for lunch today! Follow @philllywagupdates for more :).

You let out a sigh of relief – it could have been a lot worse. Personal pictures of yourself have made it onto pages like that before and most of them they’re paired with mean-spirited captions about your appearance or other trivial matters. Assuming you’re in the clear, you head back to the page of the original message to thank the person for bringing the post to your attention. However, the message accompanying the post is anything but positive.

He can’t even fucking look at you. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves you

The blood in your veins runs cold. You know it’s not true – Kevin’s made it clear you’re the one and truthfully you’re just waiting for a ring – but it doesn’t stop the sting you feel. What could possess someone to say such horrible things? You decide not to respond despite, possibly opening another can of worms with the seen function, and close the app. Leaning back in your office chair you focus on anything but your phone, looking out the window at passersby while regaining your breath. It works for a while, but eventually not knowing what others said eats away at you. You go through every single message to see hundreds of similar comments to the first, with only a few saying they’re glad you’re happy or how posting the picture is a violation of your privacy.

By the time you’re finished your spirit has been crushed. However, it’s also an acceptable time to start the weekend – at least no one in the office will have to see you cry. Things are hastily packed into your bag and you wave a few quick goodbyes before once again taking the stairs. You curse yourself for deciding to walk to work that morning and set off in the direction of home wiping away tears. The last thing you need right now is for someone to recognize you, but you have to get home. Tobias Jesso Jr plays at much too loud a volume through your headphones and Kevin will most certainly remind you it’s bad for your hearing, but the melancholy piano riffs of Goon overpower the thoughts swirling around your head.

Do people really feel that way about me?

Are my friends just too nice to stop inviting me places?

Does Kevin really feel trapped?

Hundreds of similar sentiments and situations cross your mind as you stumble through the streets of downtown Philadelphia, but you force them as far back as possible before opening the door to the apartment you share with Kevin. Hoping to slip inside undetected, you take your shoes off slowly and throw your jacket on the end table instead of hanging it in the closet. Your plan fails somehow and Kevin hears you, greeting you in a goofy apron covered in flour.

“Hey sweetheart,” he smiles, but it drops once your eyes meet and he sees the hurt on your face. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing,” you insist, trying to step around him in pursuit of the bathroom.

Kevin doesn’t buy it and sees right through your feeble words. “It’s not nothing if you’re this upset. If you don’t want to talk now that’s fine, but I think you should get it off your chest.”

You know he’s right, but you also know you can’t tell him the true cause of your despair. “Just some work stuff,” you sigh. “The audit got all fucked up and I had to fix it even though it’s not my job.”

It’s not technically a lie, which makes you feel better, and Kevin buys it. He presses a sweet kiss to your lips in sympathy. “Go take a shower and the gnocchi should be ready by the time you’re done. We can spend the night cuddling on the couch.”

“And watching Selling Sunset?”

“We can watch whatever you want sweetheart,” he chuckles. You part from him with a final kiss and head to the bathroom. Hopefully the steam from the water will carry away the negativity brought on by that damn post.

☼☼☼☼

Time passes but the hateful comments on social media don’t stop. In fact, you’re pretty sure they get worse. It’s so bad that you’ve deleted every app except facebook because you need it for work. Kevin doesn’t notice your abstinence from social media, but he picks up on how you spend more time criticizing yourself or staring off into space. When he pushes you either brush him off or feed some bullshit excuse about how work is getting you down. You know he doesn’t believe you but trusts you enough to come to him when you’re ready to talk.

You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to tell Kevin what’s been going on. There’s been scrutiny from social media before, when you first started dating, but it quieted down after the initial media frenzy. He helped you through that but it’s different this time around. Never before have you had strangers tell you your life is worthless or that your boyfriend should end your relationship. Some of the other wags notice your absence on instagram but chalk it up to you just taking a break. They reach out via the group chat and send wishes to see you at the next home game. It’s nice to know they care, but the voice in your head that has grown much larger in recent weeks tells you they don’t truly mean it. This leads you to decline the invite as politely as possible, citing extended work hours for your absence. In reality you’re too anxious to be anywhere that isn’t home or work, petrified someone is going to post something that will add fuel to the flames of those who interrogate you.

It’s another Friday afternoon, and you’re leaving the office early once again. There’s a small craft exhibition taking place around the corner from work and today is the last day it’s open. You had been meaning to go all week, hoping to find something small to add to Kevin’s birthday gift. As you step out of the building there’s a small group of young women, who don’t look old enough to have graduated college, standing off to the side. It fills you with dread, worried that somehow someone found out where you work and the insults are going to start occurring verbally, but you force yourself to be rational. You work fairly close to one of the artsier districts in the city and it’s more than likely they just want to find a cute mural to take pictures in front of.

You pass by and swear you hear them snicker, but you remind yourself you’ve just been jumpy lately. When they peel from their place on the wall and follow behind at a distance you think the coincidences are running out. It seems a little too strange how their movements line up with yours, and you go down a few winding side streets in an attempt to lose them. Part of you feels ridiculous because what group of barely legal girls would track a full-blown adult around a city of nearly two million people, but your life is currently strange enough you can’t be sure. They don’t follow you, and by the time you reach the market your heart rate has returned to normal.

The first few stalls have little to catch your eye, but a few rows in you find a leatherworker who makes adorable wallets. Kevin’s is ridiculously old and falling apart at the seams – his mom bought it for him before the two of you got together. You think a new one will make a perfect addition to the concert tickets you already bought and browse the table for something simple and elegant. A deep brown one with tan braiding around the edges catches your eye and you know it’s the one for Kevin. Checking the price to make sure you have enough cash in your wallet, you approach the shop owner to purchase. The older man has a kind smile that reaches his eyes as he thanks you for purchasing from him.

“No, thank you for making something so beautiful!” you gush. “My boyfriend is going to love it.”

It’s then you hear it – snickering accompanied by the click of a camera. You look over your shoulder to see the same group of girls from before laughing as they huddle over a cell phone, no doubt already starting to broadcast the photo across the internet. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes but you refuse to let them fall. Those girls don’t deserve to see their mission accomplished, but the longer they laugh at you the harder it is to swallow your feelings.

Head held high, you thank the owner one more time before holding your head high and walking past the group. The only way out is past them so you hold your breath and pray they don’t notice you. Unfortunately you aren’t that lucky, and one of them looks up just as you come into earshot.

“If Kevin doesn’t leave you after that sorry excuse for a gift I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” she sneers.

Another one chimes in, “You’re honestly so pathetic.” They all cackle in amusement, and you speed up. The tears flow freely now, and you call an uber even though it will be a ridiculous amount of money. You just want to get home.

The uber driver doesn’t say anything when you get in, though you know it’s strange to be bawling your eyes out at four in the afternoon. You can’t help it – weeks of keeping all the hate to yourself finally got to you and being followed with the sole intent of ridicule is the final straw. At one red light he silently passes you a box of tissues, which you accept gratefully.

Luckily the lobby of your apartment complex is empty and you manage to get to your floor without encountering a familiar face. There’s a few hours until Kevin gets home from his final roadtrip of the season, and if you play your cards right you can get all the tears out and be as normal as possible before he comes through the door. You don’t even bother to put anything away, just head straight to the bathroom to slump against the tub. Sobs rack your body and you lose all sense of time. All you can feel is the hurt you’ve been holding in releasing itself and soaking the material of your blouse.

Kevin finds you laying in the position hours later. He tripped over your shoes coming in the door and immediately knew something was wrong – you always place them neatly on the rack in the closet upon arriving home. Peering through the quiet house for a hint at where you are, he sees the bathroom light on and makes a beeline for the room. It breaks his heart to see you like this, and even more so because he doesn’t know what spurred it on.

“Sweetheart, hey,” he coos, maneuvering his body to sit beside you and pull you into his lap. “What’s the matter?”

You bury your head in his shoulder and clutch the material of his dress shirt as you cry harder at the sound of his voice. Kevin takes your reaction in stride, rubbing circles on your back and working on evening out your breath. He doesn’t pressure you to speak and provides the stability you desperately crave as the world around you spins. An unknown amount of time passes before your tears run out, but spend it all on the bathroom floor curled into Kevin.

“I guess I should have told you sooner,” you mumble, “But I didn’t want to bother you.”

Concern laces Kevin’s features and his eyebrows knit together. “Tell me what?”

“I, uh, have been the subject of some internet hate for the past little bit,” you say sheepishly. It feels stupid to not have told him now, but you can’t change that. “But you were really busy with the season and I wanted to make sure your head was completely focused on the game so I just dealt with it myself. I deleted the apps and tried my best to go about my life. And then today after work I was followed by some people and they said some really hurtful stuff and shit became a little too real.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

It’s your turn to be confused. “Why are you sorry Kev? You're Not the one sending me death threats.”

He tucks a loose strand of hair back into your ponytail. “Maybe not, but I still made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about what was going on. What kind of partner am I?”

“The best one,” you say confidently. “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just want to forget about it right now. Can we just disappear for a little bit?”

Kevin wraps his arms around you tighter, as if he can engulf you to protect from the cruel outside world. “We can do whatever you want. If you want to get out of the city for a bit if you want, or just spend the next few days here away from prying eyes.”

“I love you.”

You say it because you mean it, and if you could scream it from the rooftops you would. Kevin is incredibly easy to love, even when you make it difficult for him to love you back. You know another much longer conversation is coming about everything that has happened recently because communication is the only way to solve problems and Kevin deserves that, but you’re thankful he’s willing to put it to rest for a few more moments.

He cracks a smile for the first time since he’s been home and kisses the crown of your head. “I love you too sweetheart,” he whispers, “Always and forever.”

Things are far from over and though you still never want to show your face in public ever again, you know that Kevin is going to do whatever he can to make things better and that’s enough for you.

☼☼☼☼

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[notcolleen]

good morning this post is …not abt my eating disorder 😮

(it’s a coworker rant lol) (it got …..long 👀) (i started early this morning and am now finishing hrs later without changing times so sorry if some things don’t add up time wise) (not that ppl other than myself would know? but tumblr anons have me paranoid that everyone thinks im lying abt every little thing lmao)

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anyway this has been a pretty solo trip for me, but im technically here with another woman from nj as well, whom i actually met last year working this same camp so we knew each other and have now spent over 3 weeks together total, not super long in the grand scheme of life but long enough to say we know each other

and i don’t dislike her at all, but this week it became a lot more clear that we are really different ppl, both professionally and just in life lol

and i kinda like that despite working at the same job/staying in the same hotel, we both quietly acknowledged that it could end there and we didn’t have to do things off the clock together. i didn’t see her at all outside of our work hours lol and that was fine.

but during work, she sat on her phone at a table away from the kids, and when she did need to “engage” with them, it was yelling. i heard her say “what is wrong with you??” or “why are you crying?” to 6 year olds too many times this week (1 time is too many times, 4 is ??? like why are you working in childcare) — and that is just what i heard, she ‘opened’ and i ‘closed’ so there were two hours each day where we were on our own and i dread thinking of how she spoke to them then 👀

on that note, she was supposed to clock in at 7am — get things set up, plan out the day a little, whatever. but every morning we would have an awkward moment where i would see her sitting in the hotel lobby eating breakfast as the time crept past 7 and she would still have to factor in the uber there and all i could think was what if i kid came early or if her uber didn’t get her there by 7:30 (when kids could arrive)??

but i would try to just drink my coffee and pretend i wasn’t aware of the time lol and i know she was annoyed that she had to wake up to open (bc she certainly lmk that) but i had to stay until the last kid got picked up (and parents were not always the most punctual coming from work ☠️) and then clean up so i was there until after my scheduled time each day, there were no early days that she kept telling me to ✨enjoy (also we are getting paid?? that’s why we’re here??)

but we are in the same role here — i am not her supervisor, i didnt feel comfortable correcting or redirecting her, i can’t give her training on how to speak to kids

….still, in the end, i did feel like i put a lot more work bc kids are smart and intuitive and are gonna go to whom they feel comfortable with — so even if i was trying to put stuff away or talk to a parent or whatever….even with her right there in front of them….they would ask/find me.

(i will say, it says something that by the end of the week they finally had learned my name and still didn’t even seem to know she was working there with me lol, or she was “the other teacher” ……like i don’t think im good at much, but i do know im good at interacting with / treating kids with the respect they deserve)

anyway i had started this post mostly to say that it’s also very telling that she clocked out of our last shift saying “ill see you when i see you” even though we took the same flight here, i booked our uber from the airport to the hotel together, and we have the same flight back — but just based on our endings vibes, i didn’t reach out to see if she wanted to share an uber there this morning**

i think she’s also upset with me bc we were both offered the opportunity to travel again with the company after this — and both told that it would be “either oklahoma or texas” — and both definitely preferred texas over oklahoma — and i made the mistake of telling her i emailed one of the higher ups voicing my discomfort with OK (mostly just thinking out loud before i sent the email) and even though i received this (wonderfully validating 👀) reply back:

it ended up that i was chosen to go to TX and she will be going to OK and i feel like she assumes the email played a role / that i used my discomfort as leverage. idk, i should have just waited it out but i was anxious abt it and when im anxious i tend to ramble/voice my inner dialogue and that’s what happened — it also lead to me basically coming out to her (if she hadn’t already figured that one out ☠️) and even before the decisions were made re: locations but after that, i felt a shift in our dynamic and overall it was just a mess after that day lol

**and now when i arrived at the airport, it turns out our original flight was delayed so much that we had to reschedule to guarantee making the connection……but she hadn’t checked in yet so idk what’s happening with hers……all i know is that our boss booked our flights so it’s all linked together and it wouldn’t show my boarding pass, only hers, so it kept trying to check her in when i just wanted it to register my boarding pass for pdx—>ord—->ewr instead of pdx—>den—>ewr and i was so anxious i was gonna miss my flight and so proud of myself for not crying when a very nice woman helped me out ……but then! 😔 i did cry bc when i mobile ordered a pumpkin load from starbucks…..waited 20 minutes for it…..told myself i could keep waiting bc i have done my time as a barista and know how annoying customers are……waited another 10 but then saw my ticket behind the screen so knew it had gotten lost in the shuffle and i would actually literally miss my flight if i didn’t ask the barista…..only to be told they were out, but would i be okay with a lemon loaf instead?…….no 🥴 not really 🥴 but am i anxious bc food still want to scratch my skin off when it’s not exactly what i want it to be? 🥴 yes 🥴

so i have to say that’s fine ! thank you so much ! have a good day ! 😌

anyway that’s when i took my lemon loaf and cried on the way to my plane

and here i sit

winning the secret competition for longest tumblr posts abt the most mundane things ever 😌 cya