#mushis journalling

[motleyfolk]

Examining How I Use The Internet

Prompted by this page I’ve realised I’m doing a lot of mindless scrolling and procrastinating a lot with the internet. Time to fix that. Mari Kondo’ing this shit.

Reddit: I mindlessly scroll and always gravitate to drama subs like AITA, which just depresses the life out of me and drags me into negativity. 

Solution: Block the bad subreddits with stayfree and use it to put a limit on how much time I spend on there, so I can still access useful and informative subreddits but not doomscroll. Stayfree did heehaw but I found a simple extension that blocked the subreddits and then used Ublock to hide popular posts so basically it’s just my specific feed now. Win!

Tumblr: I also mindlessly scroll here, albeit less. Sometimes on instinct I feel the need to put on a persona or post certain things or overly clarify things to appease spectators I’ve crafted in my head or feel a need to perform. Makes using this site stressful.

Solution: Remind myself this tumblr is my digital journal and while I’m open to making friends this is not something I’m doing to get clout. I am here to collect, learn and explore. 

Twitter: I rarely go on it anymore, and I just don’t like it. The only things that were on it that I liked were cute and cozy aesthetic accounts, but even then nah.

Solution: Delete it. Twitter gone woo crab rave

Discord: I use it the most to talk directly to irl and online friends, have a bookclub and get updates on random stuff. Sometimes it feels like a void.

Solution: ?? Need it to talk to friends. Just meditate or smth. Like tumblr, don’t feel the need to perfom or put on a persona. Vibe only.

Youtube: Also started procrastinating by going on there with the intention to watch this One Specific video and then I’m on the 4th Im Skylar White Yo lego video. 

Solution: See if there’s something that can block the yt homepage and just see subscriptions or smth. ABSOLUTE UBLOCK W HOW IS THIS SO EASY AND I NEVER KNEW?!

Emails: I’m scared to even touch my gmails bc of the amount of spam mail I’ve accumulated since I was 8.

Solution: Buckle up and start unsubscribing to junk mail and clearing them out THEN switch from gmail to literally anything. Done techgirl email

Internet In General: I think I use a decent not centralized browser. I use yt adblock like a champ. But I really need to go over security notes, find a vpn, make sure this browser is cool, download that torrent browser thing sometime. 

Solution: Find vpn, get torrent browser thing, use throw away emails or card info.

I also generally feel like I have to put on a performance. Is this down to that one time I was a microceleb in this one niche shitty instagram community? Maybe. Theres a voice at the back of my head like “Will this get notes? Will people laugh at this? Does this fit? Will this slightly put someone off?” and its exhausting because I’m not here to get clout I’m just wanting to chill!! I do however want to make friends and meet like-minded folks, don’t wanna create an echo chamber for myself. Hm...

Solution: Recognise this behaviour, the thoughts. Listen to them, deconstruct them, let them pass. Do this constantly. Do not engage them or let them influence you. (realising this sounds like some spc lmao)

I sometimes skip posts with hardly any upvotes or notes because unconciously Im only paying attention to bigger posts. This means I miss out on tons.

Solution: Use good ol ublock to hide note and upvote elements.

Spotify: Love music. Like the spotify wrapped thing. Hate spotify, it is evil company. I don’t even pay for it thanks to my bestie. But...

Solution: Compile music elsewhere (where ?)

Instagram: I’m not actually active on it, I just still have it bc it has tons of cool anime edits I’ve saved over the years. But I hate zuckergram.

Solution: Export the sick edits and delete zuckergram. I will do this on my phone.

End Notes

Compared to a year ago I’m much more aware of how I’m using the internet. My phone usage is down to nilch, it’s almost like I never spent 16 hours a day on instagram straight as a kid.

Having a path still ahead to walk down doesn’t negate the mountain I climbed before.

The sites I use most are Reddit, YT, Tumblr, Discord. Thats four I’ve whittled it down to, which is actually an ok number, not too bad. One for solitary reading, one for spooks and funny videos, one for semi solitary blogging, one for communication.

Should come back to this later and re-examine things and not forget to do these things.

[dazzelmethat]

Some messy Mushishi fanart. Ginko could be a microbiologist.

I'm still sad that 'journey to the microcosmos' the youtube channel is ending. If you are a mushishi fan of the surreal mushi I recommend watching their hd videos on microbes.

[happy-hermit]

Mumscarian oneshot in honor of that beautiful reunion!! Scarland tour anyone? :)

( dedicated to @stiffyck )

Ao3 Link

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The sun was shining high in the sky above them following their hard-earned cinematic reunion, all of them talking over each other in excited babbles as they broke apart from their hug. Mumbo shifted restlessly in place, grinning so hard that it hurt, his heart fluttering in his chest and warming him from the inside out, like he’d captured the stars behind his ribcage. He wasn’t usually one for such mushy metaphors, but there wasn’t anything he could think of that would better describe it. There weren’t enough words in existence to correctly capture the feeling that came from being around them — from watching Scar’s green eyes sparkle in mischief and glee, from feeling Grian’s wings brush gently against his back as they finally settled down. It was too much to contain within the boundaries of language. He was fool enough to try. 

“You were gone for so long!” Scar said, voice almost a whine as he shook him by the shoulders. He was wearing his best puppy eyes, to which Mumbo had always been extremely susceptible. “Never leave again, please. Grian gets weird when you’re gone.”

Mumbo laughed a bit, removing Scar’s hands from his shoulder and capturing them in his own. He glanced at where Grian was standing to his left, trying and failing to appear nonchalant, and Mumbo raised a teasing eyebrow. 

“Yeah, I’ve heard a bit about that,” Mumbo said conversationally, cracking a lopsided grin. “Something about a summoning circle? Maybe?”

“I dunno what you’re talking about,” Grian said, scoffing and looking away, though his mouth was tugging upwards. Mumbo chuckled, dropping one of Scar’s hands in order to grab Grian by his sweater and pull him in closer to them. 

“You can admit you missed me,” Mumbo teased, as Grian squawked in surprise. “We just had a whole cinematic reunion, you— you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Of course I missed you,” Grian grumbled, even as his wings curled around them subconsciously. Mumbo shared a fond look with Scar, which was cut off by Grian gesturing aggressively at Scar’s face and shooting a playfully accusing look at Mumbo. “You left me alone with him.”

“Oh, shush,” Mumbo said, still smiling. “You love him.”

“Well, yeah,” Grian said, easy as anything, and Scar beamed. “It’s just… not the same without you.”

Mumbo softened, slipping his hand into Grian’s and squeezing it a little, looking between him and Scar. They gazed back at him with loving eyes and happy little smiles, and Mumbo could stay in this moment forever and never get bored of it. 

“Yeah, I missed you, too,” he said eventually, trying to pretend that he wasn’t tearing up. “I missed a lot.”

“We’ll catch you up to speed,” Grian said, sounding for all the world like there was nothing he’d rather spend time on, even as he dryly gestured behind him. “You’ve seen my progress already. No need to view it from another angle, by the way.”

“No, of course not,” Mumbo said, nodding in faux seriousness. “This is— the only angle, as far as I’m concerned.”

“I appreciate it.”

“My base has lots of angles,” Scar said, bouncing a little on his toes. “Angles for days!”

“I actually haven’t seen your base, yet,” Mumbo said, the thought suddenly crossing his mind. It seemed rather urgent. “It’s— Your theme park, yeah?”

Scar made an excited noise and tugged rapidly on his hand. “I’ve been wanting to build it for forever.”

“The owner wouldn’t happen to be available to give a tour, would he?” Mumbo asked, cracking a sly grin.

“I’ll let him know it’s a special circumstance,” Scar said, eyes sparkling in delight as he answered. “I’m sure he can clear his busy schedule for such an esteemed guest.”

“Now you’ve gone and done it,” Grian said, his tone light and teasing. “There goes the rest of our day.”

“To a noble cause, Grian!” Scar exclaimed, already starting to pull Mumbo to the edge of the bridge. “Come on, Mumbo, we don’t need his negativity.”

“We kind of do,” Mumbo joked. “He’s got to keep us balanced.”

“If that’s your way of inviting me along, I think it needs some work.”

“I just got back!” Mumbo exclaimed, pulling out his best pleading eyes. “You wouldn’t want to break up the group again already.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” Grian said, whacking him over the head with his wing. “Someone’s got to be the voice of reason.”

“We’re in trouble,” Scar stage-whispered, and Mumbo burst out laughing. It was really good to be back. 

Scar shoved an elytra at him and then immediately took it back to help him put it on, manhandling him into the thing with increasing excitement as Mumbo chuckled and Grian sighed fondly from the sidelines. At last, the wings were fastened to his back, and Scar grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the edge of the bridge. 

“It’s not a long flight,” Scar assured him, hastily shoving some rockets into his hand and reaching back to make sure Grian was following them. “And the castle’s not done yet, so don’t judge!”

“Castle?” Mumbo repeated faintly, and then had the pleasure of hearing Grian cackle as Scar yanked him unceremoniously into the sky. 

Mumbo flailed for a moment, yelping as the ground disappeared from under him and wind rushed past his face. But Scar was still holding tight to his wrist, and before long, he righted himself and was gliding gently. Scar let go of him with a bright laugh, and Mumbo looked over to see the man grinning back at him, eyes sparkling and hair blowing wildly in the wind as they flew. And maybe his heart skipped a beat, but Mumbo still shot him a playful glare and fired off a rocket, pulling ahead. 

Grian’s wild laugh signaled his approach from behind, and Mumbo looked up just in time for the avian to do a slow corkscrew above him, head tossed back to meet Mumbo’s eyes with a wide grin as he cut effortlessly through the air, bright-colored wings framed against the bright blue of the sky. He dropped down below Mumbo with a shout of glee, then dipped back upwards and spun, carefree and beautiful. Grian made flying look like an art. Mumbo could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. Love was a funny thing.

“Show off!” Scar shouted from behind, light and happy, and Grian just shot him a mischievous smile as he shot even higher into the sky. 

Mumbo shook his head in helpless amusement before turning his focus back to flying, eyes widening when he caught sight of the large silhouette of a structure in the distance. That definitely looked like a castle, or at least the start of one. The start of a very cool castle. The closer they got, the more details he could see, the landscaping beginning to form around it artfully. 

They landed in front of it, Scar tugging him into freefall with a giddy laugh, and they hit the ground a little roughly but nonetheless exciting. Grian was already there waiting on them, watching them with a grin and messy hair from the flight. The stone structure rose high behind him, and Mumbo craned his neck to look up at it.

“Oh,” Mumbo breathed, reaching out to touch the beautifully textured surface.

“It’s— Remember, it’s still a work in progress!” Scar said, and Mumbo turned to look at him, finding him flashing him a nervous little smile.

Warmth flooded Mumbo’s chest, as if the sun had made a home there. Except the sun was still in the sky, and what had really made a home was standing right in front of him, waiting on a harsh judgment that would never even cross his mind to give. 

“It’s amazing, Scar,” Mumbo said, stepping back from the wall and grabbing Scar’s hand with urgency. “I mean it. I don’t know how you do it.”

A faint dusting of pink spread on Scar’s face as his grin turned a bit more pleased, and Mumbo shared a fond look with Grian before turning and gently placing a kiss on Scar’s head. 

“Thank you,” Scar said, something beautifully vulnerable in his voice before he bounced back into excitement once more. “I can’t wait for you to see it when it’s finished! It’ll be even better, and— and the landscaping will be done, and—“ Scar shot him a mischievous smile. “And the back will be done.”

A wing came out of nowhere to smack Scar on the shoulder, and Scar wheeze-laughed at Grian’s grumpy expression. 

“Well that was unnecessary,” Grian noted, unable to hide the amusement in his tone, and Mumbo chuckled as they began to bicker back and forth, taking the moment to look around a bit more. 

The landscaping was as phenomenal as the castle, maybe even more so. Scar had always had a talent for scenery, for bending nature into something even more beautiful. The trees here were square and abstract, a stream running merrily along the side of the castle wall, and it altogether felt like stepping into another world, a better one. There was a natural bridge made of rock and grass stretching over a beautifully textured cove, and Mumbo could sit here all day and never get tired of it. Especially if Grian and Scar were there. 

“I love the trees,” Mumbo said, interrupting the bickering with practiced ease. “I’ve never seen anything like them.”

Scar’s entire face lit up as he rushed away from Grian, coming up to Mumbo’s side and grabbing his arm in glee, not seeming to realize he was doing it. “Well thank you! They’re actually based on…”

Scar started rambling about his inspirations as they walked across the landbridge, pointing out little details and secrets as they went. He stumbled over his words and his feet a few times in his excitement, but barreled on anyway, looking back to grin at Mumbo and Grian every now and then as they followed him. Sometimes he would forget a word altogether, lapsing into frustrated silence for a few seconds before Grian volunteered the answer. 

The conversation about the trees slowly transitioned into conversation about the flowers and the statue of Scar and Jellie, Scar praising Cleo’s work for a good few minutes before they finally moved on. Main Street was just as stunning as everything else, unique and yet complementary buildings rising high on either side of them as they walked. A trolley lazily meandered back and forth along a railway, pleasantly chiming bells ringing periodically. And—

And the sun was setting. Scar was pointing at a particular storefront and explaining the block palette, his eyes alight with joy and passion and happiness, bathed in golden light and standing next to Mumbo of all people, like there was nowhere else he wanted to be.

[ And why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? To see you, player. To know you. And to be known. ]

Mumbo distantly recognized that he had not been listening to a word Scar had said for quite a few minutes, instead just… staring. Watching with rapt attention as Scar put such love and light into everything he said, everything he built, everything he ever did. His chest burned with emotion, with overwhelming joy and happiness, and somewhere over Scar’s shoulder he could see Grian giving him a knowing little grin.

Something small and quiet and larger than life settled into his heart.

“Scar,” Mumbo said.

Scar turned to him, head tilted a little in anticipation for a question, and Mumbo pulled him in by the front of his shirt to kiss him squarely on the lips. Scar made a surprised noise in his throat, hands flailing before he realized what was happening and settled into it. Off to the side, Grian chuckled and sighed. 

They broke off the kiss when they were both smiling too hard to continue, and Mumbo got the distinct pleasure of seeing Scar’s face and ears turn red in pleased embarrassment. Mumbo just stood there and grinned like a loon.

“What was that for?” Scar asked, voice a bit higher than normal, hands still resting on Mumbo’s hips.

“For being you,” Mumbo said simply, softly. “For being someone I missed.”

Scar blinked, face softening into something warm and loving and maybe just a bit in awe. “Well I hope you don’t go around kissing everyone you missed like that.”

“Well. Only the pretty ones,” Mumbo said playfully, and Scar squawked in outrage as Grian burst out laughing, wings rustling behind him.

He’d spent a long time imagining what it would be like to be back. Countless hours planning the perfect reunion, the perfect scenario, the perfect angle and lighting and framing. And it would never come close to this: standing on the street laughing and bickering as the sun set behind them and time stretched as a blank canvas in front of them. Perfect.

[piscesbxnny]

a few little journal doodles 🍄‍🟫❣️🫐

[seraphsick]

shroom hunting & playing in the forest!

[killanyone4you]

look at this cute lil mushie i got from target i'm gonna put plants in it 😍😍😍😍

[yuukimiyas]

3 beers deep from dinner & ily all so so SO MUCH!! (੭ु ›ω‹ )੭ु⁾⁾♡

[onlineangel808]

Found some mushiesss

[crocodilejames]

Well, the shrooms are hitting. I’m working through some stuff. I’m thankful. Here’s what I just wrote in my notes app. It’s good to have it here as well, to always remember it. I love myself and the way my brain works through things, and I’m so proud of myself too. It feels so good to say all that, and to really believe it, you know? I’m so thankful.

Anyways here's a blurb from my processing about love.

“I love you”

I mouth the words against your skin

“I love you, I love you.”

I’m afraid to say it out loud because I don’t know what it means for you.

I don’t know how you’ll feel about it, and that scares me.

The unknown scares me.

I’m also afraid that I will tell you, and it will make you think I’m immature. That it will somehow be a sign to you that I’m not ready for this.

I could trust you, you deserve as much as that from me. You deserve more.

I thought I was special, and that gave me a sense of security. But I am! YOU are special and I want everything for you, everything that will make you happy. And I worry that our relationship is too simple, too easy, and that you will get bored. But I’M not getting bored, how could I? So how could you?

I love you, and I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid it will change some things. How you see me, how you feel about me, what you want with me. I’m afraid all of that will change. But that’s okay, things change and relationships change and that’s how they’re meant to be. I shouldn't assume that you will act or feel any way about it at all. I shouldn't assume anything.

I love you and I’m afraid that you won’t say it back. And if you don’t then I will be afraid that you never will. And that is something to be afraid of, of course it is. I want to be loved back and it’s okay to want that. It’s actually completely normal and healthy to want that. Of course I want to be loved as I love. That’s our nature. It’s our nature. This is our nature.

I’m afraid that if I don’t tell you now, I will never get a chance. You might die tomorrow or the next day, and I might never get to tell you. And I’m worried that this means I would be telling you out of fear, and I don’t want to make the decision out of fear.

But I already HAVE made the decision. It was made before I even knew there was one. I love you, I love you, I love you and there’s nothing. I love you and there’s everything. I love and love and love and it doesn't hurt and it doesn't make me tired, and it doesn't run out. It never runs out. And it doesn't HURT. Sure I am scared, but I am not hurting. You are not hurting me, you don’t want to hurt me. You want me to be happy. You think I deserve every good and beautiful thing, and that’s what I think YOU deserve! Is that not love? What do I even have to be afraid of, what is there? There is no "should", there is no "supposed to", there is nothing and there is everything and I love you.

Maybe telling you I love you makes me seem unbalanced, or crass, or immature. But it isn't crass, it isn't an impulse. I love you because you are good for me, and because you are beautiful, and you want the world to be safe and you want it to be happy and YOU want to be happy. And everything ordinary is a miracle including you. There is nothing ordinary about you and yet you belong right where you are and the earth holds you like a stone, and you have always been there and you are beautiful and ordinary and not ordinary and something that words aren’t for, they have no business trying to be about you. You are everything and nothing and ordinary and not, and I love you. But anyway,

It isn't immature either. I've thought about it, made sure I mean it before ever saying it. And that’s what’s important, much more than a timeline. Time isn’t real anyway. The point is, I’m being responsible. I’m not being impulsive and I’m not going to hold it over you and I’m not going to use it to hurt you, I don’t ever want my love to be used as a tool to hurt you. I’m scared of getting hurt as well, but I’m much more scared of being the one doing the hurting.

I know myself. And I know that I don’t subscribe to the “should”s and “shouldn't”s of the world, and that is not going to change. I will not change it out of the fear that you see it that way. Part of what I love about you is that you don’t. I have to trust you on that. It all comes back to trust.

I was afraid. I was afraid that my feelings mean something about me. Something bad.

But they don’t. They are just feelings, and they just exist and they’re my nature! I have to stop fighting against my nature, I WANT to stop fighting against my nature. I’ve always said it’s beautiful that I can love the way I love, that I know how to, that I even have the ability and that the feelings even come as they do. It’s a miracle, I am a miracle. And I love myself and I am afraid that Sam does not love me. But doesn’t he? Is that not what I feel from him all the time? Is that not what he’s giving me, what he has given and what he continues to give? Is that not love? Of course it is love! There is nothing else it could be. In whatever way he wants to define it, how I define it is love. I was afraid that he would not love me, in the way I define love. But there you go. He does. He already does.

This is what people mean when they say love is a verb.

It feels god to say it, it feels natural, it feels easy. I love you. But not just saying it. It feels good to do. It feels natural to love you, Sam. It is natural. I love you. And it’s okay to say it, and I’m not afraid.

[amanyxia]

At first, I was skeptical that anything could sway me from alcohol. And then I met Shrooms last fall.

The first trip was mixed with alcohol, not what I intended but the friend we tripped with was drinking and I felt like I should join. I am bad at saying no to things bad for me. It was okay though, the trip was okay, although I didn't feel much besides nonstop crying and laughing.

The second "trip" was solo and I ate about half a homemade brownie and ended up going to sleep two hours later, feeling nothing. After that it had me thinking my medication stopped me from tripping. I'm on Welbutrin though and as far as I've researched those aren't supposed to cause a disruption. Apparently, I was not pleased with the failed research so I stopped the medication a week before my third trip, again solo.

This third trip actually was amazing. Definitely my top experience. No alcohol got involved. It wasn't even a thought. Just the shrooms and green once in a while. I was happy. I was focused and I felt creative. I created many neat photos, got back into tarot, and journaled. I created a system of each room having a different color light. Each color had meaning for things I had to come face to face with. The last light I had to get to was Grief. I acknowledged its existence but stayed away. I have yet to go back to that. I want to though and it is planned eventually. I came out of that trip feeling refreshed. It felt like so much shit was lifted off my back, all these stupid minor problems, no longer screaming in my head. After that, I got back on my Welbutrin and I was still doing fine. I was still drinking here and there but nothing big.

A fourth trip came up where I was solo, but not alone. My boyfriend was home with me that night. I stayed in my living room coloring and listening to music for 5 hours straight. It was very zen, I was too lost in the music and enjoying myself to leave my spot. I didn't want the dog ruining my peace if I got up, he's very excitable and I was not in that mindset to handle such chaos. I was happy but not as happy as my previous trip. There was anxiety around my boyfriend. I was overthinking. "Did he want to trip? Why doesn't he join in? Why doesn't he want to hang out with me?" He was in the bedroom watching TV all night, trying to keep the dog away from me so he didn't disturb me. That's most likely why. But my brain couldn't connect those dots until now as I actually type it out. We've never tripped alone together though. Only with another friend. Which comes the fifth trip. But may I just add, going to the gym coming down from a trip is one of the best feelings I've experienced. The confidence and the focus, I've never felt that before. It was a great new experience.

Fifth trip with our friend yet again. The evening that led up to these events didn't start out great. He was angry. And I was anxious. A window got broken. Nothing bad happened but I get scared around people that are angry. Even if I know they'd never hurt me. I felt safe and more reassured around our friend though once we got to her place to trip for the night. My boyfriend nearly had a panic attack beginning of his trip, thinking his wrist was broken. I was getting that scared feeling again and didn't know what to do to comfort him. Which is typically how I already am normally. I also almost had a panic attack until he eventually got over that wave then I started feeling better. I tried to stay focused on the instruments of the music and the snacks I was munching on, to keep myself grounded. We played Cards Against Humanity until we could no longer read the cards. The green in the bowl I packed for us was breathing as much as her plants and I was melting into the couch feeling nothing but the music. She got up to get a drink which got me curious to drink again. I took the bottle and took a sip, nearly spitting it out before the bottle even left my lips. I felt sick. I needed the bathroom and a moment. We came down with an edible and a movie. Wish I could remember the name. Some really old trippy Disney film. Everything was fine until it wasn't when she nearly tried to start an argument with my boyfriend. Something about like father like son, his dad is an abusive piece of shit. To which he told her to stop and she eventually did. She passed out shortly after and we joined not much longer.

To this day I still think about her. I was depressed a few days later and made a Facebook status. I will not go into it, it wasn't a bad status. There wasn't even full context. But she took it to heart and immediately went off. I felt bad and apologized for a handful of times. That I was depressed and it was just a thought, it wasn't that deep. She kicked us both out of her life and last I heard she's gone off her rocker. Going off on everybody, even family. I think, "Did I cause this?" But then I remind myself it was a minor status with zero context and she refused to communicate properly. I did apologize multiple times as well so what more could I do? I've learned to accept it and move on. I still wish her well and hope she gets better. Maybe something during the trip triggered her and she ended up having a bad time in the end. Or did something happen between her and my boyfriend? They'd been best friends for twenty years so I just found it odd. She's the type that would say something though if something were to happen so I try not to fall down that road again. He doesn't even seem to be bothered by his best friend for that long to cut him out. I still can't wrap my head around it but again, I try not to think about it. He's not good with feelings, to begin with. I had another solo trip a few months later.

My sixth trip, which actually wasn't even supposed to be a trip. I'd been reading up on micro-dosing and wanted to try it for myself. Now before this, I had started drinking more again. I also had stopped my Welbutrin for a whole month, thinking it wasn't even helping. Long story short, it was and I learned the hard way but now I know I need it. My grief was pretty heavy as well. I blended my "micro-dose" into a protein shake only to throw it up probably twenty minutes later. Right away I felt it hit me, I had goofed. I started laughing and saying, "Oh shit." I turned my music on our Bluetooth bathroom light, fancy right? The bass in that cheap thing is so good it had me trapped in the bathroom for a good while. About a good hour later I manage to find my way to the bedroom to watch the Hangover. It was one of my dad's favorites and I enjoyed it just as much. There was a lot of laughter and random tears thrown into the mix. It felt therapeutic. I felt good. Depressed for a while and had a few black-out drinking nights after but I came through and felt better than ever.

Recently, I had a seventh trip. With a different friend. A better friend. It was his first experience and he's been dealing with grief too. It was as chill of a night as we could make it, besides a few people disrupting the peace here and there. It still wasn't awful. I was handed a Four Loko by someone, I didn't want it but I was curious, like always. It was a new flavor or something, I nearly spit that out too. And let me just say I had a few drinks an hour or two before tripping and those had me feeling sick for a while. So, I didn't really want any more alcohol that night. And then I see someone I still care about. "Needing" alcohol. It hurt to see. It was a familiar sight. I wanted to do something but nothing came up, and I just wanted us to have a good time. I had to evacuate, I left the room without looking back. After all, how am I supposed to help someone when I still battle my own demons whenever any minor inconvenience happens?

Right now that I'm writing this experience I've had an open Twisted Tea next to me for a couple hours. I only took one sip of it and it wasn't a good experience. The taste was so bitter. I might even dump it out, and I never believe in dumping out alcohol. Or I might drink it.

The second sip in doesn't taste as atrocious but it's still not enjoyable and I'm no longer in a happy mindset. Depression and irritation are hitting me. Throwing this out is the right thing to do. I don't want to feel worse.

I'm not saying Mushrooms are a cure at all. But my will and care to drink has gone down enormously.

And I'm finally finding the real me. Alcohol and pills blurred my vision so much that I ended up on the wrong path and it feels good to be steered in the right direction.

Don't get me wrong, I still get thoughts almost daily that I need to drink or that I need to pop that bottle of pills. I even still try to physically drink when the cravings hit me too hard, like tonight. That doesn't last long before I get sick.

It's literal fucking poison and I want to stay away. I need to get away. My body can't take it anymore and it's time to listen to those messages now. My dad wouldn't want that life for me, right? He was an addict too.

A relapse will still happen from time to time but shit happens. Sometimes you have to accept that failure and keep learning from it. Eventually, it'll get through to you be it by psychedelics, losing everything/everyone, or even potentially nearly losing your life.

My focus and creativity are back more than ever and I've been at my happiest these past couple of weeks. I seem to learn something new about myself and surprise myself every day, it's become a healthy addiction to keep finding myself and healing from all this trauma.

My depression comes and goes in quick waves now, it doesn't sit and bubble up for weeks and drag me down anymore. I'm still staying on my Welbutrin though, that was an awful episode I put my boyfriend and everyone else through and let's not let that happen again.

Genuinely don't think I would be here if I never met Shrooms though. The grief of my dad leaving this world would have swallowed me whole. But I now know I did all I could and his passing isn't my fault in any way. Cancer is just a bitch.

I'll forever miss you I know you wouldn't want to see me suffer again. So I'll get up and live for you and keep making you proud. I remember you telling me to get out there and live my life and just be happy. Not sad.

I also appreciate the friend that did introduce me, despite kicking me out of her life. I wish nothing but the best for her.

[cyberneurotism]

I microdosed psilocybin mushrooms for ten days¹. here is my microdose journal.

2023-11-3

started 11am by eating 0,1g of mushrooms with vitamins, SSRIs & a cup of coffee

11:45am

definitely feeling more light-headed and curious than I expected. going to brew myself another cup of coffee.

12:45pm

I have a headache

2023-11-4

I have a terrible hangover. I'll continue tomorrow.

2023-11-5

even after sleeping the whole day yesterday I still have a hangover. new try tomorrow

2023-11-6

slow and sleepy day. at 1pm I took 0,1g. now I wait. I have a doctor's appointment in couple of hours.

woke up at 2:15-ish pm feeling pretty relaxed. I felt little sweat on my face. it's like ghosts of the weekend had left and only thing that was present was a gentle dew.

doctor's appointment was pretty intense

2023-11-7

didn't feel like it

2023-11-8

ate 0.05g at 7:30pm. I have been feeling quite energetic today and am planning to go and work for a project later tonight.

9pm I feel tired and frustrated. I also feel my teeth. this feeling reminds me why I don't like psychedelics.

I'm also out of cigarettes.

2023-11-9

this experiment has come to an end. the results were dissapointing. maybe I'll give this experiment another try in the future.

¹ my original plan was to do the experiment for ten days but I quickly realized that is not going to happen

[motleyfolk]

Digital To-Do

New tumblr theme that fits all my bs. > Not making a neocities site so just make the tumblr equivelent (put pixel page, dividers, graphics, outlinks, etc. resource page as actual page). 

Stalk neocities for good and fun sites though >:)

Sort emails

This thing, do this stuff

[myheartismushy]

In another universe;

we aren’t apart. We’re sitting by the ocean and unwinding as the sun sets. You’re not facing the water, you’re facing me. In another universe we don’t have to vacate the homes that we made of each other <3

[rexscanonwife]

Just so you know I'm imagining you making Toshi a bento box for lunch at work but you absolutely beef it on the rice and you're just looking at him wet eyed like ppleass,,, pleease enjjoy 🥺🥺🥺 (You know who this is but Im anon so you have to answer publicly >:3)

YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME

[roadkillsacrament]

:,)

[yuukimiyas]

wishing a very happy birthday to my best cryo boy!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ my whole heart yearns for him each & everyday!! i’m sending you & your faves only the fanciest of invitations for a lil party to honor the birthday boy!! ໒꒰ྀིㅅ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა we hope you can make it!! <33 hehee!!