#(and regrets it the whole way)

[symphonyofsilence]

Let the poor man rest.

[lemongogo]

env practice ft the reunion scene

[blorbologist]

syldor im coming for your fucking knees.

[kaeyachi]

Just thinking of Kaeya and how much guilt he actually carries within him.

Guilt for lying to the people that took care of him.

Guilt for telling the truth in the wrong time.

Guilt for serving a nation that he shouldn't be recognizing as his, and guilt for still wanting to know more of his birth nation- one that could someday ruin the peace and safety of the home that took him in.

Guilty for the jealousy in his heart when faced with the youth and innocence he sees in Klee.

Guilty for his incapability to be truthful to those he loves, and how easy it is for him to lie to their faces.

Kaeya just feels guilty in general.

[stardust-moth]

In order to fully understand why it was so hard for Mike to express how deeply he loves El, and why his speech at the end of season 4 was one of the biggest, most important moments for his entire character, we need to look at not just who Mike is as a person, but also everything that has happened since he met her.

Every single time he opens up his heart to her, something horrible happens to her or she's taken away from him almost immediately afterwards.

1x08; he's an awkward little ball of feelings that are way too big for a boy so young. He makes a nervous attempt at confessing and asking her out on a date; when he can't find words that she'll understand, swoops in for a kiss instead. She lights up immediately and smiles. It's a brief moment of hope and pure happiness. Maybe they can have some semblance of a normal life and be normal kids after this is all over.

Minutes later, all hell breaks loose-- they're almost shot, El pushes herself too far until she can barely move, she's almost taken away by the Bad Men, the Demogorgon appears, and she uses the very last of her strength to sacrifice herself to save him and their friends.

He has to watch helplessly as she disappears.

He spends a year caught between believing she's dead and hoping she's still out there somewhere (but if she is alive then why won't she talk to him anymore...?). Kept silent under threat by the lab, he can't confide in anyone or even acknowledge her existence, not with anyone except those involved... but everyone else is keen on moving on and pretending it never happened. He can find some solidarity in Will, at least, who is in a similar kind of emotional turmoil... but it's not the same and it's not enough.

2x9; he is finally reunited with El, and she runs into his arms like she missed him too. She tells him that all those nights he called out to her, she heard him; she was there reciprocating his feelings the whole time.

In a burst of emotions that he's been forced to suppress for an entire year, he lashes out at the reason they've been kept apart (Hopper), screaming and sobbing. It's a massive catharsis for him, and for once an adult is understanding enough to hold him and not punish him for it.

Minutes later, she is going to go headfirst into a pit of monsters, the place where Mike had just firsthand witnessed dozens of people (if not more) get ripped to shreds only hours earlier, and she is going to attempt to close the Gate-- a feat that he knows may take every ounce of her power, just like last time. He cries. He can't lose her again. She promises he won't, and before she can seal that promise with a kiss, they're pulled apart again.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

3x1; all seems to be okay now. He and El are happily together, and he feels comfortable enough to be playful, romantic, and intimate with her. It's the most emotionally open we've ever seen Mike thus far.

For reasons he can't understand (bc there's no way Hopper explained himself beyond "I'm in charge so do as I say or else"), Hopper is angry about it and threatens to never allow him to see her again: the one thing he fears most.

He panics big time and fucks it up in the process by lying to her. During a frantic attempt to apologize while also abiding by Hopper's rules, he runs into her at the mall. He panics again-- if anyone finds her here, and knows that he was here too, it's all over, and Hopper surely won't hear reason. El dumps him cold on the spot, spurred on by Max and her rebellious attitude (and without any context of course). He isn't given much opportunity to respond. He knows he's in the wrong for lying to her, so what could he even say...?

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

It's a hard blow, and he retreats back into himself, unable to get any joy out of playing D&D (which he clearly hasn't lost interest in), back to the deadpan sarcasm and accidentally snapping a little too harshly at anyone whom he feels would take El's place.

3x6; no one seems to understand the danger El is putting herself in. Everyone is berating him for worrying about her safety. He's seen firsthand what these monsters do to people, he's seen firsthand how El pushes her abilities too far. No one is listening.

The words "I love her and I can't lose her again" burst out in his desperation, perhaps before he's even had a chance to realize how deep those feelings run, despite whatever protective walls he's tried to build around his heart to keep it from getting broken again.

Soon after, all hell breaks loose. El is nearly killed several times over, her leg is ripped open, she pushes herself so hard that she breaks herself and loses her powers completely. Her father is taken from her. She's shattered by all of this, and there's absolutely nothing he could do or say to make it better.

She tells him that when he admitted he loves her, she heard him, and indeed she loves him, too... But now she's leaving.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x1; they've been apart for a few months, and write letters back and forth to each other. El's letters paint a picture of an ideal new life: she and the Byers family are doing well; she's starting school and it's going well; she's made new friends, she likes her new home, everything is going well. She seems to be thriving. She sounds happy, maybe even happier than she had been living in Hawkins. Maybe Max was right, maybe she's better off being her own person without him, and maybe the respectful thing to do is step back... It's a small insecurity that creeps up subconsciously. In his replies he holds back, afraid of clinging too hard.

Though there's little logic in it, he's afraid that if he tells her he loves her again, another disaster might strike and this lovely happy life she's finally found might get taken from her. After all, that's what always seems to happen when he does.

4x2; after months of waiting, they can finally see each other again. He wears her favorite colors, picks a handful of flowers for her, and falls happily back into step with how they used to be. Soon that same day, however, reality becomes clear and the facade crumbles. People he was told were her friends show up to torment and publicly humiliate her. She had been lying. She isn't happy here, she hasn't healed, she is right at the edge of a breaking point that he doesn't see coming at all. He can't believe she would lie to him, she's not the kind of person to lie... especially not about something like bullying, something that she was always so understanding about with him.

On that logicless subconscious level, he wonders if it's all his fault-- he should have known somehow, he should have been there for her. She protected him from his bullies, he should have protected her from hers. He tries to come to her rescue. She runs away from him.

He's helpless to save her, again.

4x3; after a night to process everything that happened-- and deciding that the betrayal he feels from her lying to him is nothing compared to the turmoil she must be going through right now-- Mike approaches her in the gentlest way possible, wanting to listen and trying to understand. El, however, isn't receptive at all to his attempts at reassurance. She is at an all-time low, she's given up. She believes she is unlovable, irredeemable, a monster, just a thing that doesn't even have those superhuman abilities to compensate anymore. Mike can't believe what he's hearing-- doesn't she know that she's always been so much more than her powers? She's always been so much more than what she lacks in quote-unquote "normalcy"... None of those things matter, they have absolutely no bearing on whether she's worthy of being loved, because he loves her, completely regardless of any of these things. He always has...

El starts flinging his restrained words back at him, the products of his insecurity and trauma-induced fear. That fear takes hold yet again, and he stumbles, afraid of saying too much or not enough, because surely both could result in pushing her away-- she's retreating, hearing none of it; nothing he tries to say consoles her.

Moments later, local police come knocking. She's taken away in cuffs, and she's so broken inside that she won't even look at him when he chases the police car down the street and promises he'll get her out somehow...

Once again, he has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x8/4x9; after days of driving through the heat and dryness of southwest desert, having narrowly escaped being shot at with military-grade assault rifles, witnessing the death of and burying a man whose last words were that El is in danger... After watching dozens of people get mowed down by a sniper in a helicopter, and watching that same helicopter be smashed into the ground in a ball of flames...

There she is. Just as powerful and beautiful and alive as she's ever been. When he runs to her and embraces her, she looks at him like she can't believe he's real. She's beaming a smile right from her soul and it's like all the insecurity and self-doubt that have plagued them both just vanish from existence now that they're in each other's arms again.

Like always, however, the universe comes crashing down soon after. Max is marked for a gruesome death and all of Hawkins is in danger. They're miles away and helpless, and the only possible way for El to save everyone is if she goes in alone. She's stronger than ever, but so is her foe. Once again, she descends to face all the demons of hell on her own, and Mike can't do anything.

She's losing. She's choking. She's dying. He's helpless.

He must be cursed. He must be. Being with her, loving her, allowing himself to admit he loves her, it always brings only pain and suffering and loss. His heart is so full that it's aching, it's bursting out of his chest, and he can't contain it any longer.

She's going to die and it's going to be all his fault, because he fell in love, and it's cursed her.

Just before it all crumbles into utter despair, the earnest support from his oldest and dearest friend-- one who's always shared and understood his feelings of helplessness-- sparks a light of hope in him: "You're the Heart." You're not helpless. You can save her.

The words that come spilling out of Mike's mouth are truer than any he's ever dared to speak before, and it's the most terrified he's ever been, but he has enough courage for this moment. Despite all of the fears that have been building, stifling, choking him to death for years-- fears that the light of his life will inevitably disappear again, and there's nothing he can do to stop it-- despite it all, he pours out his heart to her.

He loves her. He's always loved her. He loves everything she ever was, is, and could be. He can't imagine a world without her in it. She saved him, in every way a person can be saved. And he needs her to live. He believes in her.

And it works. It's music to her ears.

[mirrorhouse]

one of the main differences between the book and show versions of armand/daniel's maker/fledgling dynamic and how armand feels about it is that as its been presented so far, show armand finally making his first fledgling was a choice he made, not something he was pushed into like in the book. he made the decision himself. so the main resentment armand feels towards daniel is gonna be more linked to his actions in dubai rather than being a walking reminder of how armand felt forced by him to break his only boundary in their relationship to save his life.

not to say it makes any of it healthier especially since we don't know what the turning was like and how daniel truly feels about it— if daniel was okay with it, if he asked for it, if he tried to fight it. i mean he seems cool with it but that doesn't really prove anything until we see more of him/what happened. it could be they flipped it and the choice was taken from daniel rather than armand, but instead i think it would be a lot more interesting if they couldn't actually apply any sort of true resentment to this specific aspect of their relationship because they both know it's what they wanted. a choice they both made rather than something that was forced on either of them. so it's those feelings and everything else that's happened between them they've got to navigate going forward

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Many of the songs on TTPD are about both one muse and all the muses because the through line is that they all hurt her in very specific ways. The All Too Well of it all of The Manuscript is the original sin, the first act that broke her by someone she loved*. Once you finish the album with The Manuscript, it reframes the rest of the album, because you realize that first betrayal of her trust and her faith has informed the way she’s moved through life since — and why the lines between these muses/situations are so blurry. Because the actions are specific to people, but the betrayal and the outcomes are rote; they repeat themselves over and over in different places and times. It’d almost be funny how completely predictable these men are if it weren’t so utterly devastating and earth shattering.

The story of The Manuscript hangs like a spectre throughout the entire album, illuminating why the things she felt and wanted were so painful to lose beyond the obvious, and why she felt like she had to keep settling or hurting herself in the aftermath. So TTPD is about each of them and all of them and they cannot be disentangled. What a tangled web we weave indeed.

[cosmicgamer]

It's insane to me how Willow went from unknowingly dragging someone in her enraged state and then stopping the moment she realized, to forcefully dragging someone else without any remorse

[avocado-frog]

Man I hate being able to read

[clfixationstation]

one thing that I will criticize about Mikasa's character is that she doesn't understand Eren's (and Armin's) dream at all. The only insight we're offered into Mikasa's perspective of their dream is that she doesn't understand it and doesn't know what they're going on about. Like?? She doesn't get Eren's basic motivations?? Unless I completely missed something, Mikasa doesn't know that Eren wanted to explore an unoccupied world with Armin or that he desires 'freedom'. Which again, are Eren's base-level motivations. And she just. Isn't allowed to know??

[videogamelover99]

Listen, I can write a whole thing on why I'm starting to resent the whole "evil pedo Mori" trope and it very much is that whole "banality of evil" thing where it's just not interesting, but it's also that by doing that, you inherently take away any and all complexity present in the character in the first place.

Lemme tell you about The Last of Us episode 8, ok? Spoilers I guess.

I don't care about David.

I don't care about his character, I don't care about his philosophy, I don't care about any question the situation might have posed about canibalism or survival or community that he presents. Why? Because he is evil. Because in the series he is shown to abuse and exploit members of his own community. Because he is a child predator, and because of what he did to Ellie, I stop caring about him as a character and start seeing him as a vehicle of evil for Ellie to overcome. Which is his role, his function in the story and it's what TLOU needed at that moment.

But everything I've listed about David is what people like to give Mori in fanon and I hate it. Because Mori is meant to raise questions. He is meant to be a complex character. He's not just there to be an antagonistic force for the other characters to overcome, he's meant to be a character in his own right who sure does a lot of evil, but there is a difference between a character who does evil and an evil character.

Not every character needs complexity, but to see complexity get taken away by derivative works is like. You're not just character asassinating Mori, but pretty much every other character that is influenced by him. If Mori is Evil and was known to abuse children, why the hell did Natsume pick him to help with his plan for Yokohama? Why did Fukuzawa partner with him? Why does Yosano have mixed feelings about him in the current arc? Why would Kouyou or Chuuya or any other PM member we see as sympathetic choose to follow him? And if the answer to all of this is "they didn't know" then what is the point of doing this trope in the first place?

[sheepstiel]

also on another another note. people who, for lack of better wording, ""come out"" to you as neurodivergent are still the same people as before. don't treat them any different unless they specifically ask you to. Congrats, you unlocked their backstory because they trust you, not because they suddenly want you to treat them like they're fragile or dumb.

[carefulfears]

we've both talked about how scully isn't jealous fire. what differences do you see between protective scully vs jealous scully?

yeah to me the main difference is that one is more external and the other internal. she gets very emotional when she’s jealous. in episodes like alpha (literally sitting that woman down and going “i’m watching you.” cracks me tf up. Dana nobody is taking your man.) and war of the coprophages, it’s kind of angry. it’s louder, but still something very vulnerable and true to her (hater-ism). in episodes like the end, it’s heartbreak. that’s one of the very few episodes where i think she was purely jealous, and sad. she usually understands what’s going on and i think she knew as soon as she heard him call diana by her first name that something was going to change. i think it hurt her feelings, that specific display of connection, usually reserved for her.

when she’s jealous she retreats. she watches quietly. she cries alone in her car. she needs a moment to herself.

it’s when she’s protective that you can’t shake her for anything. one of my favorite images in fire is her standing in the doorway while mulder and phoebe meet with the arson specialist. i didn’t even notice she was there the first time i saw it. she wasn’t invited. she’s just keeping watch. later, she’s standing in the hallway. after that, she’s in his hotel room, and doesn’t leave when phoebe comes in. says “are you okay?” the moment they’re alone.

people write off her behavior in this one as being “jealous” because she has a lil crush and there’s another woman there, but i honestly find that dismissive. sometimes people discuss scully through such a wide lens, not taking into account who she is. she’s really surprised throughout the time that phoebe was there. it’s that soft edge that still shocks to cruelty, that she never really loses. it’s what shocks in the pilot when the doctor hits mulder twice. what shocks in the following episode when the government agents punch him on the side of the road. (look at you you’ve radicalized scully). it’s what makes her wary of jerry lamana, even before he stole mulder’s work.

but phoebe is so cruel, and so personal, and has so much history. it’s not jealousy that makes scully linger in doorways. it’s not jealousy that spawns that folie a deux. no one else understands. no one else can be trusted. (which i do kind of think started in fire, i’ve said before). she isn’t jealous that he startles when he hears this woman’s voice.

and i know that’s a lot on phoebe as an example, but it doesn’t stop. she doesn’t stop keeping watch. she doesn’t stop shocking to cruelty. she’ll get loud. she’ll make plans. she’ll surprise herself. and it doesn’t come with jealousy’s mortifying intimacy.

(don’t have much else to say but i found this from an old post of mine and wanted to share: “scully has that kind of protectiveness towards him that you have towards a child that hasn't been touched by the world yet. it's very 'the world is at least half terrible, though i keep this from my children.’ 'good bones' by maggie smith. scully in the beginning is like......there is something here that should have broken by now. and she wants to watch him be able to walk into every room with the most hopeful answer and a hand out to every stranger.”)

she shares him with the world only reluctantly, Etc etc

[worldsewage]

My brother really likes those crazy hot sauces that aren’t recognizable to people… like “kill yourself death sauce” and “fucked your wife ghost pepper death drops” and I’m just a Texas Pete Tabasco Crystal’s man.

[ardenrosegarden]

I have rendered, line by line, not an abstract linguistic equivalent of the Greek, but what I understand its living significances to be...In the theatre, I want to encounter what they are saying to me, not what they once said to someone else. Paradoxically, we might only ever approach the ‘original experience’ of Athenian Tragedy, by first expunging from it every element we think of as ‘Greek’. Euripides’ audience weren’t watching a ‘Greek’ play. They were watching a play of their own. So must we be.

-David Rudkin's Foreward for Euripides' Hippolytus

Euripides tr. David Rudkin, Hippolytus Shane Donaghy, A Reading on Hippolytus Anna Maria Ruffino Broussard, Asexual Dramaturgies: Reading for Asexuality in the Western Theatrical Canon Thomas K. Hubbard and Maria Doerfler, From Ascesis to Sexual Renunciation in A Companion to Greek and Roman Sexualities Ela Przybylo, Asexual erotics: Intimate readings of compulsory sexuality Canton Winer, Camouflage, Exceptionalism, and Cultural Criticism: Asexuality and Masculinity Threat in Asexualities CJ DeLuzio Chasin, Reconsidering Asexuality and Its Radical Potential

[goldensunset]

what did i get myself into here