#(also for a variety of reasons. but there is a lot of intense grief over my stepsister's death involved)

[moregraceful]

It feels like getting pulled underwater—the sharp sideways tug, the slight drag of resistance, then falling, falling, till the waves close over his head. But Logan can breathe when he rights himself again, even if the light has a watery filter to it and the voices have a distant echo. // Sometimes Logan gets a glimpse of guys who've been long gone from the teal, clustered at the far end of the bench or sitting in the box across the ice. He heard Jason's voice in the hallway loud and clear, that infectious laugh. And he could have sworn he saw Raffi fucking Torres getting out of a car in the players' lot. Something tells him not to look up the rosters.

Commissioned @impmakesart to make a painting based on the Sharks' Cali Fin hype reel + the flip side by frausorge. Imp was amazing to work with and I could not be more emotional about this piece and so, so pleased with how it turned out!! 🙇🏻‍♂️🙇🏻‍♂️ Commission him here. Thank you Imp!

[jeanjauthor]

Men back then were allowed to have strong feelings, and to express strong feelings. Not just rage, not just lust, not just disgust, but happiness, sadness, fear, grief, and more.

Stoicism for men came along just a few hundred years ago, comparatively recently over the course of history...and it wrecked men's abilities to feel and express a wide variety of emotions. The sheer toxicity of patriarchy demands that men must always be in control of themselves & their surroundings, and that somehow this means they have to be emotionless, unfeeling, bottling it all up inside.

Of course, I'm not saying that always grieving this strongly is the only way to go. (It's not!) People feel loss & grieve in many different ways, and each is valid for any number of reasons. Anybody who has endured a terminal illness in a loved one knows that grief comes in many stages and many intensities, and sometimes you just...accept...that they're going to be gone soon. The emotions are no less intense, just...spread out...over time.

But i am saying that men should be allowed to feel this strongly without getting castigated, chided, or derided for it.

Also...lotta cultures accepted bisexuality and biromanticism way back when, so there could be quite a lot of emotion and some very intense sentiments going on, beyond the purely platonic friendship level. (I have not read the epic of Gilgamesh, and am not an expert on the culture in which it was written & enjoyed as a contemporary story, so I'm not going to assert that this was a thing...but neither am I going to deny it as a possibility, because we just do not know for sure.)

Or it could have been "this man is my brother from another mother, my soul-brother, my unexpected soul-twin." All we know is that Gilgamesh and Enkidu had a very intense connection, BFFs and beyond...and that losing Enkidu clearly devastated Gilgamesh.

(Also, also, whoever that women is, she's utterly frikkin' insensitive.)

this is going to have me on my hands and knees dry heaving

[thetrap]

why i think deancas just might go canon

i’ve been wanting to write this for a bit, but i haven’t really had the time until now. basically this is just a super unorganized collection of thoughts i have on why i think that dean and castiel actually have a fairly decent shot of becoming canon (and by decent shot i mean like.....a solid 5% chance. and that’s being generous). this is based off of the show itself (obviously), quotes from andrew dabb, and other things.

1. andrew dabb is deancas positive

i made a post a while back that never made it out of the drafts, but it was basically a summation of all the good deancas shit dabb has given us as a writer. here are the bullet points:

- the hug/"i'm not leaving here without you!" moment in purgatory (8x02) 

- "don't lose it over one man"

- "he's in love.....with humanity"

- cas/colette parallel ("dean. stop.") in 10x22

- just the fight scene from the prisoner in general like......wow

- sam/jess and dean/cas parallel in 12x23

- "we've lost everything......and now, you're gonna bring him back" + dean's just generally overwhelming grief in 13x01

- "and how is it that you lost dean? i thought the two of you were joined at the.....you know, everything"

and these are just the big moments.

also notable is the fact that an activist sent dabb (and some of the other producers of spn i think) a book about dean and cas and why the fans want it/why it would be a good thing for the show. a few years later, meghan fitzmartin (who wrote the most recent episode!) was hired as dabb’s assistant, went into his office and posted a tweet a with pictures of the book, saying something along the lines of “doing some reading for work!”

the fact that dabb actually kept a fanmade deancas book for years.....the fact that he’s consistently written episodes with really strong subtext for years.....the fact that the dean and castiel romantic tension has only picked up since he took over as showrunner (mixtape, lily sunder, cas’s death, dean’s grief arc, the entirety of season fifteen, etc.)......idk i just think it’s really interesting that there has been such a marked shift since he was put in charge.

2. the mixtape

i know this was a few seasons ago, but it’s still relevant because like. a mixtape is not platonic. this scene was not platonic. full-stop.

and it’s not even the act by itself; it’s also the dialogue!! “it was a gift. you keep those.” this is more than likely a direct callback to aragorn and arwen in lord of the rings (that’s the first thing i thought of, at least).

the fact that dabb let this slide, like......he knows what this looks like. berens and glynn, who wrote this episode, know what it looks like. they knew precisely how this would be perceived, and then wrote and aired the scene anyways.

and that’s not even getting into the camerawork. like what?? was this shot???

yeah so. definitely not platonic.

3. the trap

honestly i thought about just posting this part of this overlong essay thing, because to me, this is the episode where i went okay, so this might actually happen.

there are SO many things in this episode that made me go insane the first time i watched it (”i left, but you didn’t stop me”) but the thing that stuck out to me the most was dean’s reaction to castiel saying, “you don’t have to say it. i heard your prayer,” when dean tries to tell him something.

like?????? he does not look relieved!! nor does he look particularly happy!!

hell, if you go back and watch the video you can literally see him swallow his words down like....jensen ackles is the master of micro expressions and that shit is Not Accidental. this moment 100% gives the vibe that there is something that is not being said. the camera following dean as he gives cas a lingering look is really interesting too.

3. dabb’s comments about dean and cas in season 15

this part is actually sort of related to the point above, since a lot of dabb’s comments are in reference to “the trap.” here are some interesting ones that i want to point out:

But the Leviathan won’t be the focal point of the purgatory story. Rather, it’s about what Dean and Castiel are going through. “They’re not going to resolve the emotional stuff, but it allows them to redefine their friendship a little bit in light of what’s happened especially earlier this season,” Dabb says. (x)

the key thing here is that dabb said that, in 15x09, dean and cas are “not going to resolve the emotional stuff.”

now. i don’t know about you, but dean falling to his knees, praying to cas and weeping feels a lot like emotional resolution to me. like, sure, things will probably be awkward between them for a while, but surely this is the peak moment of their emotional vulnerability with each other, right? surely this is the moment where they’ve resolved the issue between them? like how the fuck does it get more intensely emotional than this??

yet dabb seems to be implying that it will, which leaves us with the million dollar question: what is left about dean and cas’ relationship to resolve?

keep in mind that as of 15x16, there hasn’t been much forward movement on that front; that is, we’ve had some cute moments between them, but in terms of serious conversation about their relationship, there’s been basically nothing. so we can assume that this development, whatever it is, will occur in 15x18, since dean and cas will be separated for most of 15x17, as cas will be off with sam.

aka the episode where cas will likely get yanked away by the empty. aka the episode with the teary (!!!) conversation we saw in the promo between dean and cas.

also notable from the above quote is dabb saying that dean and cas are redefining their friendship. like....redefining how? to what?? that wording is just really interesting to me.

another quote from dabb re “the trap”:

(x)

it forces them to “start that process.” indicating yet again that the prayer scene between dean and cas is not the moment where whatever is between them is resolved. yet, from where we are right now, dean and cas seem mostly fine. which means that whatever they have yet to work out doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their fight.

lastly:

a really significant chunk of what happens to dean in 15x09 is him confronting his issues with cas. don’t get me wrong - there are other important things that happen in the episode - but the fact that an episode where so much time/emotional energy is given to dean and cas’ dynamic is considered a turning point for dean is very notable and, to me, speaks to the importance of their relationship for the rest of the season.

4. dean/cas and sam/eileen being set up as units

i’m of the opinion that sam and dean will (by choice) go their separate ways at the end of the show. i think this for a variety of reasons that i wrote about here, and to add onto this, i think that dean/cas and sam/eileen are, in a way, being set up as two units.

this theory comes from two points:

1. the fact that eileen got brought back at all

this isn’t to say that eileen isn’t an interesting character all on her own/outside of her romance with sam, but the fact that they brought her back and then proceeded to set her up in this romance feels really significant to me. what’s especially interesting is how, even after she leaves in 15x09, we get a continuation of their romance in 15x14. i don’t necessarily think that she’s sam’s endgame in the sense that the final episode will show sam going to her or whatever, but i do think that part of the reason she was brought back was so that sam would have someone who he loves/someone he could potentially build a life with after he and dean defeat chuck.

2. the way the two couples were portrayed in “the trap”

like....just watch the future scenes in the bunker. there’s very much a sense that these are two couples living together. and “ever since the mark made cas go crazy, ever since i had to bury him in a ma’lak box.” note the use of i, not we. and then dean/cas and sam/eileen are directly paralleled when dean tells sam he needs to give it up after eileen’s death, comparing it to how dean has given it up after having to bury cas in the ma’lak box.

5. dean does not do Well without cas

this is probably an understatement. there have been a couple of notable instances in this season where the viewer is given a glimpse of what happens to dean when cas dies/is in danger of death/is separated from dean (in case the whole ass widower arc in s13 wasn’t enough).

two of these are from “the trap”:

1. dean freaking out/crying/praying when he’s separated from cas in purgatory

2. dean giving up on life/hunting after burying cas in the ma’lak box in the future world

3. dean’s reaction to cas temporarily going to the empty in 15x13

the one i want to spend the most time on is number two, in large part because sam was witness to it and i think that this might get brought up in 15x17.

part of my spec for that episode is that cas will tell sam about his deal/sam will find out somehow, and in reaction sam might tell cas about how dean reacted to his death in s13 - a conversation that was notably absent from the show when cas finally returned in 13x05. i also think that he might mention no. 2 above, basically telling cas that if he dies, dean is done. that he won’t be able to handle it/move past it. the show has been telling us this over and over for a while now, and it’s only been emphasized more in season 15. i think that 15x17 is the episode where this will finally be verbally expressed.

to me, all of this emphasis on dean giving up when cas is gone isn’t for nothing. in my opinion, it’s being done very purposefully to set up an endgame where dean and cas are together in some sense of the word. and a lot of what i’ve said above is what makes me think it’ll be a Romantic together.

5. bobo berens’ three part deancas saga

so we all know that berens is pretty much spn’s foremost deancas warrior, and what i want to point out here is how this season has been utilizing him as a writer.

this season, berens has three solo episodes (he wrote “galaxy brain” with meredith glynn):

1. the rupture

2. the trap

3. despair (formerly known as “the truth”)

so far, these first two episodes have had major deancas moments. you could even label them as:

1. the rupture (the breakup)

2. the trap (the reconciliation)

3. depair (???)

keep in mind also that berens wrote 14x18, where the dean and cas sort of had a preliminary breakup. he’s been in charge of this arc for a while, and the fact that so much of his writing this season has been deancas focused.......i don’t know, i just think it’s significant in part because, while berens has always been deancas positive, he also writes plenty of episodes that aren’t focused on dean and cas. but now, in the final season, the dean and cas emotional arc has been handed to him, and it’s been the primary focus on his writing.

(sidenote: berens was promoted to executive producer for this final season)

to me, this is all leading to a big moment between dean and cas in 15x18 - and the fact that it was at one point called “the truth,” only to be switched back to despair - makes me think that there will be some sort of confession involved. my money is on cas being the one to say it (especially since this would line up with the leak), especially given the glimpse we saw of (what might be) this moment in the promo. which leads me to...

6. cas does not cry

i saved this for last because the promo where we see teary-eyed cas is actually what pulled me back into this shitshow.

cas does not cry. like. ever. he got a little teary in 15x15, when jack told him of his plan to sacrifice himself, but we have never - never - seen him shed actual tears. and in the promo, particularly that shot where cas says “you have fought for this whole world,” it 100% looks like cas is about to cry cry.

cas has seen his son die. he has seen dean die. he died himself, over and over and over. and we have never seen him cry.

yet for some reason, in this moment of vulnerability with dean, he’s crying. i find it highly unlikely that cas would cry because of his impending death, for a number of reasons (for one, he wouldn’t want to upset dean more than he has to). so, assuming he’s not crying because of his own death, then what is making cas so emotional that he is genuinely crying for the first time in the twelve seasons he has been on the show?

my guys.....i can only think of one thing.

[cathoderaysunshinebeaver]

Heretic/Hexen

I love Doom. I’ve never made an attempt to list my favorite video games in a numerical order, but if I did, Doom would likely be one of the highest, if not #1. I’m also a big fan of the “dark fantasy” aesthetic, so discovering the Heretic/Hexen series was a treat, to say the least.

Released in 1994, Heretic was built using the Doom engine by Raven Software, with John Romero himself having helped the team set up their computers and teaching them the basics of how he would make maps for the game. With this in mind, you’d be forgiven for saying what a lot of reviewers said at the time: this game looks like a Doom reskin with a fantasy theme.

This sentiment mostly applies to the first game, Heretic. But in a sea of other “Doom clones” released at the time, it is definitely one of the more competent ones. You play as Corvus, one of the few surviving elves in a world overtaken by the evil Serpent Riders, who have decided to exterminate all the elves because their magical powers make them resistant to the mind control spells the Serpent Riders use to conquer and subjugate realm after realm on their quest for world domination. Unsurprisingly, Corvus is out for revenge, and the end goal of the game is to hunt down and kill the first of the three Serpent Riders, D’Sparil.

The gameplay in Heretic is more similar to Doom than in the later games, but it does the Doom formula well. Most weapons have a distinct counterpart in the game it is based on: the Elven Wand is your pistol, the Dragon Claw is your chaingun, the Ethereal Crossbow is your shotgun, and so on. They are satisfying to use (save the wand, arguably), and look deliciously fantasy-eque, with beautiful spritework. The levels are split into a familiar structure, featuring three episodes with nine levels each (and two more episodes released as an expansion pack). The enemies are varied, with pretty animations and distinct sounds, and play into the Doom experience very well in that the combinations and locations of enemies in each area lends itself to very different strategies (although “run really fast and blast everyone with the crossbow” rarely fails on most difficulties). The two expansion episodes are considerably more challenging, and will require more quick thinking and ammo, sorry, mana conservation. Definitely a fun romp.

The sequel, Hexen, is where the series starts finding it’s own unique twist on the genre, and is the by many regarded as the “classic” that really put the franchise on the map. Again, you’re playing as a vindictive hero on a quest to liberate their realm from the Serpent Riders. This time it’s Korax, the second out of the three. However, now you’ve got to pick a class. This is the first big difference you’ll notice when starting the game. Corvus is MIA from his last adventure, and instead your choice of protagonist is between Baratus the Fighter, Parias the Cleric, and Daedolon the mage. While the game isn’t an RPG, these characters all have different stats when it comes to running speed and base HP. More importantly, they each have access to their own unique set of weapons. Mana is shared between the weapons, which are now split into green, blue and dual mana types, but they all behave very differently. For example, the fighter’s weapons are mostly of the melee variety and consume mana rapidly only for special attack modes, as they can still be swung without mana. The mage on the other hand uses his bare hands to cast a lot of his spells, but they do not burn through mana nearly as quickly. Unsurprisingly, the cleric is a hybrid, and uses both a spiked club and a mix of magical weapons. An “ultimate” weapon is also available to each class, which must be assembled from parts and consumes both blue and green mana, but has really devastating attacks (the cleric’s “Wraithverge” summons ghosts that scream like banshees and tear every nearby enemy to shreds; it’s just as metal as it sounds)!

Beyond the class differences, the level structure is the other major difference between Heretic and Hexen. Instead of a linear series of levels, each episode is now defined by a hub level with many branching areas that can usually be visited in any order. You need to find key items and activate switches in each one to open the way to the next world, and many areas within each sub-level are also locked until you find the right key/switch in a completely different area. As would be expected, this new spin on the level progression comes with both pros and cons. Few players today will be able to complete the game without ever looking at a walkthrough, and based on some comments I’ve read, this is one of those games that many people in the 90s would only dream of beating on their own. That said, there are very few instances where pulling a switch won’t at the very least give you a short message indicating it’s purpose (i.e. “A door has opened in the Wastelands”), and even then those with enough patience will rarely feel completely lost if they’re willing to backtrack systematically through every area over and over, taking note of every single locked door and unreachable area. I doubt it’s something the majority of gamers enjoy doing, but if you’re the type who would rather give up before accepting a hint, I’m happy to report that this game IS beatable even with your play style.

On the other hand, this structure also adds a lot to the feeling of being on a dangerous, epic quest. Metroidvania fans know that there are few things as satisfying as picking up a key and thinking “hey, I recognize this symbol! Now I can finally see what’s behind that door in the swamp!”. Uncovering the world bit by bit in this fashion really lends an air of mystery to the land of Cronos (where Hexen is set), and truly gives you that classic feeling of “pride and accomplishment” when you’re finally able to descend into that forbidding temple that’s been looming on the horizon for so long. And for those of you who are worried you won’t get to blast enough monsters to get your fill, this game still has you covered.

The enemies in Hexen are just as threatening as those in Heretic, and they look even better this time (seriously, if you enjoyed the visual aspect of Heretic, Hexen steps it up tenfold with truly gorgeous sprites, textures, animations and even some environmental visual effects, like thick mist and dead leaves blowing in the wind). You’ve got a fantastic cast of evil wizards, zombies, dog-like orcs, Minotaurs and more types of dragons and dragon hybrids than you could shake a Mace of Contrition at. A good amount of the baddies are initially very similar to those in Heretic, but their attacks are more distinct, varied and dangerous, and there are a whole lot more of these guys this time around. If you have the enemy counter turned on in your automap it won’t be uncommon to see the numbers exceed 400, and some of the weaker enemies will even respawn after a while. Don’t worry though, it’s not frequent enough to be stressful, but instead it really helps the backtracking from getting too tedious. Key hunting is a lot more intense when you never know if an Ettin is waiting around the corner to cave your skull in! However, if you’ve seen any other reviews of this game, you’ve heard a lot of grief expressed in regards to the Minotaurs (and their big brothers, the Maulotaurs). They aren’t the strongest foe in the game, but their shields, their surprise lighting bolts and their sheer numbers can definitely be a pain in the gluteus maximus. On the plus side, it makes killing them all the more satisfying, and you’ll find yourself experimenting quite a bit with your weapons and items to figure out the safest and quickest way to end their existence.

That’s right, I forgot to mention the items. The third and last major difference between Doom and these games is your inventory. The items are largely the same in all the games in the series, and using them can be a bit of a hassle unless you’re willing to fiddle around with your control settings to find a setup you prefer (I would usually bind the item selection keys to the scroll wheel and use them with the right mouse button). Visually, the inventory is similar to that seen in Duke Nukem 3D, and just like in that game, you’ll likely find yourself using some items a lot more frequently than others. Health and mana refills are a major aid, and beyond that you have things such as invisibility, invincibility, flechettes (despite what the name says, they’re more like grenades or mines, depending on your class), and a magical book that gives your weapons a much more powerful firing mode for a short time (although this item is mysteriously absent in Hexen). A special mention also goes to the Morph Ovum/Porkelator/Seal of the Ovinomancer, which transforms an enemy into a chicken/pig/sheep, respectively. A lot of fun to use, and and immense help against some stronger enemies if you’re low on health and/or mana.

If you didn’t find yourself using these items all too much in Heretic or Hexen, the following game might just give you a reason to. Hexen II is the third game in the series, and the final chapter in the Serpent Riders saga. This time you’re in the realm of Thyrion, and the last Serpent Rider, Eidolon, is the one who must be slain to free the land from his curse. In terms of gameplay, Hexen II is a lot more similar to Hexen than Hexen was to Heretic. You’ve got the same type of hub level structure, and you’ll again pick a class at the start, although now your choice has expanded, consisting of the Crusader, Paladin, Necromancer and Assassin, as well as the Demoness in the expansion (yes, all these games have expansion packs and they’re all worth playing in that they’re more of the same, but expanded, duh, and more polished).

The major difference this time around is one you can probably tell immediately from the screenshot: yes, Hexen II goes 3D (and in an exception to the common rule at the time, it is NOT titled “Hexen 3D” despite technically being the third installment). Specifically, the game uses a modified Quake engine. As mentioned, the core gameplay remains largely the same as in Hexen, but the level designers definitely did not waste that extra dimension. The levels are less expansive here, but a lot more complex and full of hidden passages, surprising loops and a whole lot of verticality. Scurring across a courtyard with archers raining arrows down on you from balconies is just as tense as it is satisfying later on to reach the same balcony and return the favor to any ghoul unlucky enough to find themselves below. Overall, the layout and progression in each area feels like it’s been given a lot more consideration and has endured more testing. Most of the time, the key hunting in each area feels more self-contained, and when it isn’t you rarely feel like you have no idea where to go. This is because every lock has been designed to feel more like a puzzle. In practice, your goal is still to find an item and bring it somewhere, but the locks and keys themselves are much more distinct, which helps you remember what to do and where to go. Instead of levers and typical keys, you find yourself looking for artefacts such as potion ingredients that will let you turn metal into wood, pieces of a broken mechanism or symbolic relics that must be placed in the hands of a statue to go in line with a prophecy. There are also more direct instructions in the form of book entries and inscribed stone tablets, which are very helpful in those cases where the puzzle might require a bit more than just item hunting, such as pulling switches in a certain order or lining objects up to create a pattern. It’s still unlikely that you’ll breeze through the whole game without getting confused, but you’ll rarely be at a complete loss; you’ll usually know what you’re looking for or what you’re trying to activate, even if you may need a walkthrough to find a specific hidden passage or to figure out exactly what a contraption does.

Overall, Hexen II feels like a refined Hexen, with more care put into making every area feel very distinct. It is absolutely not any less challenging though. The areas might be smaller in terms of actual units of measurement, and there are definitely fewer enemies on the screen at all times, but this is compensated for in spades. The third dimension adds a thick layer of complexity to every level, and the enemies hit HARD. If you got into a rhythm in Hexen of circle strafing, dodging and picking off targets in an order of perceived priority, you’ll have to learn to dance to a different tune here. Some enemies will close in on you incredibly quickly, and many of them have the ability to turn you into minced meat in a matter of seconds. Now more than ever is when you’ll want to shoot with a steady aim, use your items wisely, keep all the possible paths of retreat in your mental map, and scour every nook and cranny for health and mana to stand a chance against some of the stronger mooks. Hexen II as a whole is a lot more fast paced and tense and also has a more dramatic views and set pieces along with some extra bits of storytelling scattered around the world for those interested.

So, what are my thoughts on the Heretic/Hexen series as a whole? In short, it’s a treat. Combining classic fantasy tropes with the hectic action of Doom (and Quake) was an idea that was bound to happen sooner or later, and in this case, it worked out really well. There are of course other examples of this iconic clash of genres (check out Amid Evil for a totally kick-ass recent example!), but from what I know, the Serpent Riders saga is the one with the most lasting appeal. All the games strike a great balance between frantic, gory FPS action and the slower paced mystery and brooding sense of evil that only dark castles and dungeons can provide, with each game leaning a bit more toward one direction or the other. At a core gameplay level, there is nothing absolutely groundbreaking about Heretic/Hexen, but every element is done well and with care, and the presentation oozes of 20th century gothic fantasy charm, both the visuals and music. If the first paragraph of this review made you go “oh, those are both things I like!” then definitely check these games out. Same goes for anyone who is simply curious about the history of Id software and the impact Doom and Quake had on the gaming landscape. My only warning to you before playing these games is this: keep in mind that these games are from the 90s. There’s a reason many people have memories of booting these games up, getting completely stuck and then never playing them again. That said, as long as you have an internet connection (how else would you be reading this?) and an average amount of patience, there’s a whole lot of fun to be had here. All the games mentioned above are available on Steam (and GoG as well, I believe), and play excellently with modern source ports: gzdoom for Heretic and Hexen, and Hammer of Thyrion for Hexen II are my recommendations.

Finally, there is another game in the franchise. Heretic II returns to the story of Corvus (from the first game) and continues the story beyond the Serpent Riders arc, but due to some licensing issues it is not available on neither Steam nor GoG. Technically you could still buy a physical copy of the game, and I’ve seen mentions of at least one fan endeavor to make the game more accessible on modern computers, but I have yet to check it out. Maybe in the future. For now, I hope you enjoyed this dive into one of the slightly less famous, but still very popular classic 90s “Doom clones”!

[jim-im-a-doctor-not-a-physicist]

Okay Bucky stans we need to talk. From one adoring Bucky fan to another, Bucky is not perfect. Everything he does is not right and attempting to justify his actions is not a good look. Bucky’s intense desire to keep the shield “safe” is unhealthy and the amount of grief he gives Sam for giving it up is absurd. I know I can hear you saying “But Bucky is trying to protect the memory of his partner” (take partner however you like). I doubt Steve would be happy seeing how Bucky is acting towards Sam right now over his shield. Bucky is placing all of Steve’s legacy onto that shield when in reality Steve’s memory will live on, shield or not.

Also a lot of us have been saying how “Wakanda betrayed Bucky’s trust by putting in the ability to take off his arm”. First of all, no. Secondly there are a variety of reasons that Bucky’s arm may need to be removed. If it needed extensive work and they don’t want to hold Bucky in a lab for days on end, it would be easier to just pop the arm off. Or maybe, they are attempting to rewire the brain of one of the most dangerous assassins on the planet, a feat that has never been done before and they don’t want to take any risks. Hell maybe it’s easier to clean when he isn’t wearing it I don’t know. Don’t forget that Zemo is out of prison now because of Bucky. While I had hoped Bucky was playing a long game where Zemo would be double crossed and Bucky would give him to Wakanda to face their justice instead of whatever the UN did, I was wrong. Bucky instead is just an idiot. 

Look I am not trying to say that Bucky is all bad, and if none of what was said above applies to you then keep scrolling you’re doing great. I am saying that people are justified in their distaste of Bucky’s actions. Bucky also has a chance to grow and become better, hopefully he will apologize to both Sam and Wakanda for his actions and be a better person by the end of the show. 

[raayllum]

@daceytheshebear TDP is very much a kids' show, and this post wasn't a "haha my show is so edgy and dark it's cool that I, an adult, like it actually," kind of thing. I was reading Greek myth from age 6 onwards and my early hyperfixations were historic, ritualistic human sacrifice and the Bubonic plague; kids very much can and do like darker things.

However, I think most people can agree it is, at the very least, made for older children (think 10+) as opposed to the bulk of children's media that can be enjoyed from 4+ (something like The Owl House). This is not a knock on anything made for younger audiences, either, btw. They are equally enjoyable and worthwhile; darker doesn't mean better or necessarily more mature, although complexity and nuance often lend themselves to stories that go beyond teaching moral lessons (if that's the operative of the piece of art, anyway, which it doesn't have to be). I still love things like Phineas and Ferb and the Dragons' tv series. This post was mostly about age demographic expectations vs the content's reality, and how that can differ, sometimes

This is also from someone who works with a variety of students at all ages (5-23), and has seen various people along this age range as the show's fans / I teach media literacy & humanity subjects. So your paragraph is kinda all the things I believe in and have dedicated myself to, career wise. Just so we're on the same page

Most kids' shows, especially nowadays but also in the past, explore darker themes. I'm part of the generation that grew up with Avatar: The Last Airbender and Transformers: Prime (a show that gets so fucked up an episode in which a main character has a suicide bomb strapped to their chest is decidedly lowkey). While these shows explore many heavy themes - war, genocide, imprisonment, aforementioned bombing, grief, abuse, etc. - their presentation is decidedly different in each of them.

For A:TLA, there is notably little on screen violence. Part of this is the genius of bending being a way to have fight scenes with little to no violence. Characters are rarely, if ever, burned in their fights with firebenders and when they do it's a big, shocking moment (i.e. Aang dying). We can also largely - with Zuko as an exception while he's an antagonist - always trust all the Main Characters to do the right thing. That's why episodes like The Southern Raiders, in which Katara confronts her mother's murderer, stand out because we don't have that moral certainty. ATLA also, unlike TDP, has very little to no body horror, meanwhile there were times I thought S3 of TDP pushed the Y7 envelope a little bit.

For Transformers: Prime, although it gets very dark at times, the bulk of the violence and darker scenes do not happen to humans, but to well, the Transformers. This is part of why they were able to do a lot of said violence from a network standpoint, because most networks have rules and heavier regulations over what can be done or shown with human or human-esque characters (this is part of the reason why PG rated cartoons like Infinity Train had to fight tooth and nail for their two on screen death scenes that happen to human/human-appearing characters).

Meanwhile, TDP has a lot of on screen violence, particularly as the show has gone on, almost exclusively of human or human-appearing people, including showing blood (which normally isn't allowed); it is intensely engaged with moral dilemmas and does not always solve them - main characters across both sides of the antag vs protag lines make complicated, scary choices that aren't necessarily 'the Right Thing to do' (which is also where the shift elementary school children's books to MG and further into YA typically occurs); and it has the aforementioned body horror in quite a few places. It's not that kids' shows can't go this far, it's that Most kids' shows - and I have watched many - Don't go this far and with this kind of serious, straight forward framing. I've yet to see another kids' show that has any protagonist or antagonist start a season splattered in blood, after all, and that's just a visual example.

Aang also almost gets put to death for his crimes in ATLA, but it's a one off episode plot line that's mostly framed as a joke, is quickly resolved, and the episode has a decidedly "and everyone was friends by the end" resolution. TDP's trial and death penalty episode ends with a verdict on explicit restorative justice, is always treated/taken seriously, ends with the accused crying out of relief/gratitude, and further ratchets up the surrounding politics.

Case in point: there have been periods of time, following S4 and S5 where TDP's rating was changed from Y7 to PG. It's back to Y7 (for now) in some regions, but it's been confirmed by both the creators and Netflix that S6 onwards will shoot higher than PG and be labelled TV-14 (specifically for self harm and other potential elements).

TDP is for kids - and indeed, many kids are going through things that means having on screen catharsis is very important (something I think Steven Universe handles super well) - and it will, eventually, have a happy ending.

But when people think Kids' Show, I don't think all of the above is really what necessarily comes to mind. There is a massive gap between the sort of the emotional heaviness and imagery that TDP chooses to consistently explore and the bullk of other tv shows for kids. That's what the post is about (and it was mostly a joke, anyway).

*hastily shoves the two torture scenes, multiple assassinations, a cannibalism motif that's increasingly not being just a motif, and political / moral intrigue plotlines off to the side* haha noo The Dragon Prince is for kids i swear—

[conquerthedevil]

Signs of a Spiritual Attack: Desolation

August 28, 2020

I received an email about a week ago from a woman who wrote just one sentence. “What are the specific things I should look out for that would be signs pointing to a spiritual attack?” That statement she made reminded me of why I started this website. There are a lot of signs or symptoms that indicate a spiritual or diabolical attack. In this article, I will concentrate on one, and then write subsequent articles describing the others. I was attacked by witchcraft, so the issues I am going to write about will come from my lived experiences, and be specific to those demonic attacks. But not everyone is spiritually attacked, so some of the things I experienced will also apply to suffering in general. For example, all kinds of people go through depression or have anxiety so they will understand that part of my suffering.

People who are under a spiritual attack will have certain things happen to them that didn’t happen to me, and visa versa. Depending on the circumstances leading up to, or surrounding the attacks, each person will experience these afflictions in different degrees. But God never gives us more than we can handle. Anyone who has suffered an attack from the enemy will be able to identify with what I am saying, and then apply it to their particular situation. This knowledge is going to console you. I say this with great confidence because I had no one to help me. Not even priests understood what was wrong with me. In the beginning, I had no idea what was happening. But I eventually had to consider whether or not it was demonic, because nothing else made sense. I think that God allowed me to suffer this way for many reasons. One reason is so that I can help other people who are suffering in the way I have. No one understood what I was going through, and that added immensely to the mental and emotional effects of the attacks. So, I want those people who are struggling with an attack to know that I understand their suffering, and I know intimately what you are going through because I went through it too. I am sharing my story with the hope that it will help others get through this time in your life a little bit easier.

The first sign I want to talk about is desolation, but I have to clarify a few things so that this is clear. Christians experience consolation and desolation throughout life. The simplest explanation is that consolation is being able to feel God’s consoling presence within, and desolation is not being able to feel it. This is a part of the spiritual life that no one can escape. In times of consolation, there is a loving communication between God and the soul that brings it to love the Lord more intensely. And in times of desolation, this communication is withdrawn, which, in the beginning, is perceived as a lack of God’s love for the soul. The result is the same because consolation and desolation help a person come to know and love God in a whole new way. So this process is good, even though desolation hurts. In a spiritual attack, which God allows for our betterment, desolation is distorted by the devil. It is amplified and used as a weapon against us. So in this context, desolation is a sign of a spiritual attack. Now that I have made that clear I can move on.

Desolation: A temporary darkening of the mind and disturbance of the will and emotions, permitted by God to purify the souls of his followers. It may be caused by the evil spirit or brought on by a variety of other causes, but it is always purposeful, namely to withdraw a person’s affections from dwelling on creatures and bring them closer to the Creator.

Desolation is an almost unbearable darkness, an emptiness so deep that every waking moment is spent in mourning. This is a horrible suffering. But it is how the Lord brings us to love Him most profoundly. It is how He teaches us to stop looking at ourselves and look at Him. Jesus leaves us because He wants us to experience Him physically. In my case, I was not fully aware of God’s presence in me until I couldn’t feel it anymore. So Jesus grabbed my attention by retreating from me, and that automatically caused me to become aware of the lack of His presence in me; and in my life. That didn’t mean that Jesus wasn’t present anymore, only that I couldn’t feel Him anymore.

“How long, O Lord? Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I harbor sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look, answer me, O Lord, my God!”

After a while, I started to feel abandoned by God, and I wondered if He loved me. I didn’t understand what I did to make Him leave me, nor did I know why He let the enemy attack me so viciously. But these sufferings caused me to set out on a spiritual journey in search of my Jesus. He was all that mattered. So, desolation, even though it is a natural part of the spiritual life, can be used by the devil during a spiritual attack. But God is in control and no matter how much you think Jesus has left you, He is bring you closer and closer to Him during these spiritual attacks. There are moments when God consoles you, but they are brief and ignite an even greater desire in you to find Jesus. So, I think that this void that lives in us, during these spiritual attacks, is key. And I will go as far as to say, that Jesus has made us believe that He has abandoned us because He loves us, and He wants to be loved back. No matter how you are feeling, or what you are going through, remember that God is love. He is all good, and everything that He allows to touch our lives, no matter how difficult it may be, is for our greater good and His glory. So keep searching for Jesus, and when the time is right, He will set you free.

https://www.conquerthedevil.com/part-1-signs-of-a-spiritual-attack/

[compassionatereminders]

Hi Kat, I feel really awful today for a variety of reasons and mostly just grief that I have so many things wrong with me. Like the main problem is the autism, which I actually like most of the time bc I love my special interests but my sensory issues are dialled up to 1000 right now and it means that I can’t go outside because the snow crunching under my feet is awful, I have to wear sunglasses and headphones constantly and I can’t even touch anything because the sensation is so horrible and makes me meltdown. On top of that I have ocd and the thoughts are just killing me, and I thought I got over it a year ago but it’s still there and it’s like torture. I also have some form of ptsd which is the real kicker cause flashbacks are the worst and make me very suicidal (in no danger, it’s just horrible) and I still need a therapist who can treat it because I tried with my current one and I ended up messed up for a week.

You don’t have to say anything really bc I know I’ll be better at some point, and it won’t last forever it’s just really horrible trying to stay alive right now. It’s nice to get it out though, thanks for listening.

What you're describing sounds horrible and I really don't blame you for having a hard time coping with all of this. It really isn't fair that you have to battle all of these things at once and I am sending you lots of love and strength. But you're right that it won't be this bad forever and that you just gotta hold on and push through until some of it starts to ease up. Because it will. As you say yourself, your sensory issues aren't always this bad and neither is your OCD. So both will eventually decrease in intensity and allow you to feel better than you do now. You've felt better before despite having these diagnoses and you will feel better again. In the meantime, you just gotta keep holding on. This won't last forever - you'll get through it!

[isocrime]

okay so this may just be me assuming - but you generally write top!tony in ults and top!steve in 616 so i was wondering how you would see the flipside come out in both those verses i.e. top!steve in ults and top!tony in 616. do you think (based on your preferences/characterisation) that the former is more natural/preferable/interesting for you to write, or is it just whatever suits the idea you have? curious because you seem a lot more lax re the top/bottom discourse that stevetony is cursed w/

I’ll write either tony and steve topping/bottoming (meaning who’s in the driver’s seat, not who’s pitching/catching) either way depending on what suits the story, but I do definitely have preferences!

For ults, I do indeed tend to write top!tony/bottom!steve I like that dynamic a lot. Steve is so stiff and repressed, desperate for human intimacy and afraid to ask for it. I want to watch him release that and let his walls down, but in a sexy way. Also, Big Buff Sub is one of my kinks, and ults Steve is the biggest and buffest. Tony knows he doesn’t have to hold back, because Steve is superhuman — he can do things he’s fantasized about that would be too unsafe to do with a normal person. Meanwhile Steve could throw Tony off so so easily, but he allows it, even when it makes him squirm with humiliation, which is some intense, sexy submission. Plus he hates himself for wanting it; it means he’s not a real man. He’s not just gay, he’s gay AND he loves to be called a slut and take it up the ass. All the tension and denial!

For top!tony in ults it’s like — he’s such a hedonist and a maximalist (I love his stupid ornate bedroom and his four-poster bed), so I can really imagine him wanting to own Steve for himself and get to do whatever he wants. He lives his social life playing games and obfuscating the truth, wearing these different personas that are all exaggerated and campy and flirty, which makes me think he’d be really good at making the theatrical parts of kink feel real and hot instead of kind of awkward and made up. Tony commits to the bit and doesn’t care if he looks silly — he’s confident he can pull it off so he does. So you have Tony, who’s incredibly deft and motivated and greedy and powerful, and pair him with Steve — clumsy and earnest and so so so needy underneath all the ways he’s denying it — and it’s just delicious.

Then there’s 616, where I like to read things a little differently. Tony is so tightly wound in 616 I want him to let go and let himself have something nice that he doesn’t have to obsess over and make all the choices perfectly or else everything will go wrong forever. Tony needs to turn off his brain and let someone else be in charge. Additionally when Steve and tony are really fucked up and bad for each other (weirdly, I don’t have dysfunctional headcanons about ults steve/tony. i write them as a mess while they’re getting together but long-term I think they do pretty well) I think Tony wants to make up for all the things he feels guilty about, and having Steve fuck him and hurt him and tell him what to do makes him feel better.

Steve, meanwhile, is so earnest and confident and he loves to lead well, so I headcanon that he would find it really natural and satisfying to take charge in bed. I think also all the natural strength and body control makes Steve generally hot as a top. He can really properly overpower anyone and do exactly what he wants to them if he decides to. Hot hot hot. Less healthily, I think Steve yearns to get Tony under control and topping is a way for him to live that fantasy. When Tony submits to Steve, he stops pushing back and doing manipulative shit that drives Steve up the wall. Sometimes Steve just wants to grab Tony and shake him, and kinky sex lets him take some of that frustration out on Tony.  At their most functional, Steve wants to care for Tony and help him be the best version of himself. At their most dysfunctional, Steve wants to punish Tony and force him to do what Steve thinks is the right thing to do.

So, how would I do them the opposite way around? (I am aware this is already super long, I have feelings on this subject apparnently!) For bottom!tony in ults, I think he’d love the game parts of it. There’s a reason kink is called play, and Tony’s all about pretending. Like 616 tony, he’s very tightly wound and could stand to be taken out of his head and given a space where he’s free from responsibility. There’s grief and lousy pain he wants to forget, and Steve is really hot and he wants it, he wants to indulge in something a little taboo that he can make into a joke afterwards, haha you plowed me good, being crude to cover up how much he liked it. (I’m realizing that I tend figure out the dynamic starting from the character who’s bottoming.  Huh — start with what you know I guess!)

Ults Steve as a top is sort of volatile and inexperienced, which makes being helpless around him is sort of risky, and I bet Tony would eat that up. The possibility that it could be a disaster — that he could cause his partner to lose control and get more intense than expected — is titillating.  I think ults Steve wants terribly strongly. And if Tony is the thing he wants, especially if the thing he wants to do to Tony is hurt him, which is a kinky and perverted and bad want to have, Steve would torture himself with guilt and denial and desperate, pent-up lust. Repressed yearning for DAYS. And when Steve snaps and fucks tony the way he wants to, it’s hot and perfect and Steve hates himself for loving it and the more he hates himself the more he’s fucking desperate for it, this thing that’s wrong, he’s not supposed to want to hurt anyone, he’s a good man but he looks at Tony and he wants to take him and leave him wrecked and gorgeous and bleeding.

I actually have an ults sub!tony one-shot on the to-write list, so this is useful brainstorming!  For 616 I don’t have anything planned, but it’s fun to think about how top!tony/bottom!steve would work.

Healthy bottom!steve in 616 is full of love and adoration. He’s given his life to helping people, and I think he’d bring that into the bedroom, this intense desire to serve and give the person he’s in love with all of their favorite things. When everything’s not filled with angst, Steve is a super super sweet sub, eager and earnest and pretty good at communicating what he likes once he gets the hang of it. Also, serum-enhanced cock: Tony can order him to come over and over again, or he can edge him forever and torture him with overstimulation and all of that is hot. Dysfunctional bottom!steve is more like “you betrayed me, you used me, I hate you — do it again.”

Top!tony in 616 has taken his control issues and turned them outward, so instead of wanting to let go instead he loves to orchestrate sex just like he likes to orchestrate solutions to world problems. Plus he’s got the same generosity that Steve has, so he likes being able to give his partner what they want in bed and set things up perfectly so they can feel nice. He brings his natural suave composure to topping, but it’s cut with a sort of soft wonder that Steve’s trusting him with this because his self-esteem is garbage and he can’t possibly deserve someone as good as Steve submitting to him. Then when things are not so pleasant between them, tony uses sex to punish both Steve and himself, taking the thing he wants and beating himself up with it afterwards. He’s addicted to Steve and doesn’t care what’s good for them, he’s going to actively ruin it all.

Obviously some of these elements can be applied to both universes (Steve is always big and buff, yum). There’s a lot of juicy stuff to explore with either top!tony or top!steve, which is why I like both types of fic! The thing that really decides if I like a fic or not is how well the characterization is done and how well it explores a facet of Steve and Tony’s personalities.

I do get a bit bristly about a certain type bottom!tony fic, and about some bottom!pre-serum Steve fic (though the latter isn’t very common in comics universes), but that’s mostly because I find it really infuriating when a fic takes all the agency away from the bottom and replaces their personality with “eager-to-please horny bimbo who’s all weak and fragile.” I’m a contrarian, too, and since there’s more top!steve than top!tony (a quick ao3 tag search gives about a 2:1 ratio for top!steve:top!tony), I like writing the latter. Otherwise, I aspire to be cool, even though I have my favorite dynamics. I love me a wide variety of kinky smut -- the discourse is exhausting and i have bascially infinite salt about how dumb it is.

[natsutodoroki]

HEADCANON: natsuo, touya & trauma that comes from death. (aka the sibling loss meta i keep on going on about doing repeatedly. )

one of the most important parts of natsuos role in bnh.a is his relation to his older brother, touya. his appearance sparks a form of catalyst in the family, he shows a more negative view of end.eavour from his own family, presents a completely dependent character. natsuo is the member of the family who brings up that something happened to touya, and his consequent arc is the one that finally confirms the fact that touya is actually dead, and that there’s a big chance that endea.vour was involved in this. - it’s as fuyumi says, he was the closest to touya. we may not see touya’s POV for a long long time, but the question still remains? just how much did touya’s death affect natsuo?

when someone around them dies, children just like adults may feel intense sadness or grief over the loss of a loved one. however, some children may experience greater than usual sadness and upset and have a more intense reaction known as childhood traumatic grief. this is characterised as symptoms which are associated with PTSD. 

natsuo himself suffers from this, and i am here to explain why.

childhood traumatic grief has a wide variety of traumatic grief reactions, each of which are different in regards to a childs age and status. natsuo was about 9 when touya supposedly died. this means he would have experienced the symptoms below:

May repeatedly talk or play about the death. / avoid talking about the person, or about places and/or things related to the death. May avoid reminders of the person (for example, may avoid watching TV news, may refuse to attend the funeral or visit the cemetery). 

these may seem like claims that completely contradict each other, but seem to fit in terms of natsuo well. while natsuo has always mentioned about touya, and that something has happened to him, he actually refuses to state touya as dead. the times he talks about him, he uses vague language when he describes other events fine. in fact, he chooses to not acknowledge it to the point that it is his own father who speaks up to him that touya is in fact, dead (ik this is the fantranslation but its all i could find). natsuo is also the one member of the family who has completely moved out of the house, and his conversations when not led on by someone else tend to form a lot about life outside being a hero, or a sibling. such as asking shouto about his school friends and life, compared to what it’s like working in the hero course. fuyumi also seems to talk about the whole events when natsuo isn’t there, such as commenting on their relationship once he has left, as she knows this is a difficult subject for him. he wants people to acknowledge something happened to touya, but he wants to avoid exactly what. 

May have nightmares about the death  /  May become withdrawn, hide feelings (especially guilt). 

this one really explains itself, but natsuo confirms that he’s had touya in his mind constantly. being constantly connected to the memory of his brother it’s most likely he’s had nightmares about the fact: he is stressed when he brings it up. as well as this, it’s brought up by shouto in the first instance in chapter 192 that natsuo isn’t like he was when he broke down. along with pysical confirmation from fuyumi, it’s safe to say that this is something he’s kept hidden from someone who at least became a mother figure towards him. it’s not something that he’s open about. he’s kept it hidden for at least ten years. 

May have difficulty concentrating on homework or class work, or may suffer a decline in grades. 

it’s mentioned in natsuos character page that the main reason he was convinced to go to university was because he was told by fuyumi to go and do what he wanted to pursue, suggesting the college education was important to him. after touya’s death, i headcanon that natsuos grades did slip, due to this he had extreme difficulty focusing. of course this went unnoticed by most people, but fuyumi picked up on it. and she helped him do better. this is why university and fuyumi’s words become so important to him. this is the opportunity she gave him once before, and he has used her help for a lot, he wants to make her proud of him. 

May worry excessively about their health, their parents’ health, or the health and safety of other people. 

this one is quite straight forward. natsuo is currently studying medical welfare. he wants to help other families before they enter a situation like his own. he’s one of the first to check on a persons mental, physical or otherwise wellbeing. he constantly visits his mum in hospital, despite the mixed emotions he felt along with her closeness to shouto, and seems to come to family dinners for his sisters sake.

[kinosternon]

State of the turtle

Hey!

So it may go without saying, but I haven't been around very much since November/December. There's a few reasons for this, the major practical ones being that I'm doing grad school and also moved and, y'know, the world existing as it is at the moment. But a big part of it was also that I got really burnt out and have been struggling to figure out how to go about fixing that.

Details below (nothing too intense, but some mental health talk comes up). TL;DR, I'm quiet but still around <3

The experience of writing CSCG was fantastic, but it was A Lot. I was staying up late a few nights a week, almost every week, just finishing chapters—on top of work, school, another side project or two, and general life stuff. I can't say I fully regret doing things the way that I did them, because without weekly deadlines it probably would've taken me years to finish, if I managed it at all. It was a whole huge rush, and that left it sloppy in places, but it also added a lot of energy to the process. I think it had a good effect on the story's tone as well, in a way that would've been hard to maintain otherwise. (If anyone here followed me because of my Undertale longfic, that's what happened there. I have not given up on it yet, but I'm not quite ready to get back to it yet, either.)

I just made sure I posted Every Week No Matter What, because I was scared of stopping if I slowed down, and because there didn't seem to be any real consequences to pushing myself that way, and because I figured that stretching yourself to the limit is how you grow.*

But when CSCG ended, I hit upon a few problems all at once. I'd pushed myself to the very edge on writing, right before throwing myself into another huge writing event, NaNoWriMo. I'd been doing it for so long that I didn't really want to skip it, and stopping cold turkey after writing (what ended up being) 6k-10k a week, almost every week, would've probably messed with me too, like an athlete who just suddenly stops training altogether. I had fun, even if most of the words I produced were pretty much unusable.

I'd also pushed...honestly well beyond anything I thought I was ready to accomplish in my writing by actually posting and finishing a longform story. At the outset, I hadn't expected anything but relief and/or pride at the end. That...wasn't what happened. There was definitely relief, and a whole ton of gratitude, and some pride in the abstract, but mostly I just felt exhausted. And annoyed with myself for not feeling happier about it, because the joy about reviews was part of what helped keep me going through writing, and yet something about finishing the story cut off a lot of my positive feelings related to that.

It also hurt a bit because I'd thought of myself (in part) as a person who was unsatisfied with myself because I couldn't finish stories. When it turned out I could, it meant that the uncomfortable feelings that came along about my writing couldn't be blamed on the fact that I'd left something unfinished.

But I think the worst part of finishing the story was how hard those final chapters were—not because of plot considerations (though tying off loose ends was definitely a challenge at times!), but because of how hard the emotional notes were to hit. I spent a year—a really rough year, that I'd known going into it would be rough but that quickly got more worse than I could've imagined at the outset—writing an angsty story about exhaustion, breakdown, and recovery. And then, when I hit the happy ending, I was still far away from any happy ending to the challenges I'd been facing in my own life, and I realized it was hard to write the characters being happy.

I felt terrible about that. I still do, to be honest. These were characters who spoke to my soul, who I fond points of resonance in closer than just about any other form of media that I'd ever experienced. And yet, after literal hundreds of thousands of words explaining their dynamic and finding ways to repair it, I could barely find it in me to write their happy ending. I could barely believe in it long enough to write it, much less imagine what might come after.

I know that plot comes from characters facing challenges, which usually involves a certain amount of distress, but not being able to find the emotion of peace of happiness for them still really distressed me. And I hit the end of the story while still feeling that guilt, and still feeling the pressure to find more within me, to write happy sequels to keep balancing out the trouble I'd put the characters through. And I hadn't even begun to account for the grief that comes up when a story ends, which a post I saw today describes very well.

Basically, I hit some huge walls in the writing process, and blasted through them through sheer force of will. I'd been living that way in general for a year or two even before the pandemic hit, weathering every setback that came my way. The commitments I'd made only slowed down a little when lockdowns started, and some of their consequencess all came together in some nasty combinations a few different times over the ensuing months, which led to me finding out what starts to happen after I push past enough limits, which is: Not Very Good things, mainly of the depression variety.

And so I've spent the last few months (from mid-November on, really) trying to figure out how to deal with said Not-Very-Good-ness. I've persevered through a combination of stubbornness, inertia, and just sheer ignorance of other options, but putting things up on the Internet is one of the hardest things for me to do confidence-wise, so that was one of the first things to go. I'm making progress, but I'm still as intimidated by the idea of putting myself out there as ever.

I've made some changes to my living situation, and gotten therapy and medication, and all of those things have helped a lot. Unfortunately, because of my studies, writing can't be a top priority for me this year, and it probably won't be next year, either. I haven't even had it in me to write many rough drafts lately, which I'm trying to think of a fallow period rather than letting it discourage me too badly. Still, I'd like to find ways to talk with people online more. You're very nice and I'm very happy to get to meet you!

As I figure things out, there will probably be times I'll just vanish for a month or two (or several or more, honestly). But I'm still around; I just withdraw into my shell to rest every once in a while.

* What these past few years have taught me is: yes, pushing yourself can be great for you in small doses! But it's important to do it while valuing your safety, treating yourself and your efforts as kindly as possible, and prioritizing getting plenty of rest afterward. I do okay at parts of that, but I still have (ironically) a lot of work to do on the rest.

[raayllum]

One of the reasons I love Rayla — and one of the reasons she gets me so emotional — is because Rayla is a character who is constantly embroiled in conflict. Like for the rest of the main cast (Ezran, Soren, Claudia, Harrow, Viren, Callum, etc.) we see their Ordinary Life before the Plot — for them — really starts. Rayla is immediately dropped into a massive ethical and emotional conflict, she immediately 'fails' and has to grapple with it. She is immediately grieving what she thought of herself and her life, and spends so much of the next three seasons just trying to chase her perception of her purpose in life & catch up with her perception of herself. Her life changing, grief induced altering of herself, happened four months before the start of the show. 

And like I also always make a point of like, s2 is a really rough season for Callum — nothing ever goes his way until the very end, and it's loss after loss, in a lot of ways; losing magic, then his dad, then his childhood friends, then almost dying in the storm, then worrying over Rayla, then almost dying from dark magic, then having Ezran walk away, which is why him unlocking sky magic feels like Such a win, bc it's the first one he's had in so long. And bad or sad things still happen to Callum in s1 and s3!

But Rayla arguably never gets any sort of reprieve. 1x01-1x03 is intense and radical and emotional, she already knows what she's signing herself up for with derailing her mission and to a degree of what standing against Runaan entails. 1x04 is humiliating and scary, 1x05 is emotional and uncomfortable, she struggles her way through 1x06, by 1x07-1x09 her hand is in worse shape than ever and nothing is working. Then in season two she's worried about the lies and protecting the boys, she's repeatedly terrified of losing Callum for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways. She gets 3x02 as a reprieve and then the rest of the season from 3x03 onwards has an underlying current of grief and processing, punctured by moments of happiness — but nothing that can fix her turmoil, because it’s her. The conflict is her. 

Even the closest we get to total happiness, in 3x09, is after she narrowly avoids death that she was fully prepared to meet, without even the hope of survival that Callum had, and we know from TTM that it’s temporary, that it doesn’t last. Not even a little bit

It's why the line from "Peace" by Taylor Swift always gets me, and why I always ascribe it to Rayla, because it describes her so well: "And it's just around the corner, darling / 'Cause it lives in me / No, I could never give you peace"

And I think that's why s4 is going to have so much catharsis for her, because arguably for the first time in the whole show (except for Maybe the very end of 3x09, but even then) we'll actually, hopefully, get to see Rayla just Breathe

And I can’t wait to see it, because by god this child needs it

[32necl]

alright so this is coming from someone whos opinion of gwevin is a sliding scale of disinterest to intense dislike. im not going to be hating on the ship in this so dont worry.

will i ever write gwevin? probably but itll be very different than we see in either omniverse or AF/UA.

in this essay (read: word blob) i will talk about how gwevins interesting if done right and you have kevin parallel verdona instead of grandpa max.

im posting this at 7 am ive been up all night its not gonna be full of evidence but if youve seen AF/UA at least or parts of omniverse youll get what i mean

so the boring heterosexual approach to gwevin taken by the AF/UA writers and continued on in omniverse is that grandpa max = kevin and verdona = gwen.

some things to note in this approach:

kevin = grandpa max

both have a love for their cars

both are in love with aliens

theyre both taller and bulkier than their respective love interests

thats about where the similarities really end that they show. so that could obviously be fixed. gwevin wasnt end game in the original 2005 show so they had to pretty much start off from page one which is admirable in a way. 

they essentially had to pull a naruto with it however. for ages naru/saku shippers took kushinas line “find a girl like me” to mean sakura. their romances were easily comparable. naruto was kushina and sakura was minato though. and i honestly find it cute in a way. it was supposed to be a red herring.

naru/hina fans also said it was a redherring for their ship but i dont really understand where they’re coming from, but it was along the same lines. attributing minatos shy demeanor to hinatas.

gwen = verdona

theyre both anodites

stubborn 

try very hard to be in control of situations and not allow others to force them to do things

the main thing with the comparison was them both being anodites. 

now if you want to make the dynamic more interesting and appealing? make it so that its reversed.

kevin = verdona

try to do things for their partners even if its not what they want

misinterpret situations 

corny sense of humor

enjoy teasing ben and have a soft spot for him

not from around here (verdonas from anodyne and depending on what you follow, kevins a mutant orphan / orphan alien)

cannot properly deal with grief in healthy ways

dont fully understand when their partner’s upset about things / why theyre upset but try to fix it in their own way

cling to their partners but inevitably push them away in ways they either dont intend to or in an effort to not feel trapped

sarcastic as hell

often go about things the emotional route though they do follow a specific logic unique to them that isnt always easy to follow

loose morals / a moral code thats strict but no one understands the reasoning behind it

free spirits with a variety of skills theyve picked up in their lifetimes

gwen = grandpa max

both have a very “loved ones first” mentality. grandpa max seemingly sacrificing himself for the greater good in “max out” and gwen in “time heals” aiming to go back in time to stop kevin from mutating. 

along with gwen terrifying the living daylights out of zombozo in the episode “hit ‘em where they live” where the famous gwen threat comes from 

“I'm not talking about him! I want you to listen to me then pass the word to every lowlife you know; if you want to come after Ben, or Kevin, or me, fine! That's the life you chose! I'm talking to you! (turns into an Anodite) LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! As of right now, the Tennyson family is off-limits!!! If any of you ever attacks one of our loved ones, or hurts one of our loved ones, or even bumps into someone we love in the street, this is what awaits you!!!”

also in the same episode grandpa max fights off an alien assassin sent to kill sandra tennyson in her backyard

often feel as though they have to do things by themselves to get it done

hard headed

often go about decisions based on rational thought than feeling - though there are exceptions (such as when a loved one is in danger)

often the boss / leader or second in command in situations. 

max and gwen have been super close since the start, bonding over initially being almost powerless in the face of ben with his omnitrix. though that later changes in the 2005 series. 

both skilled in forms of physical combat

both have various admirers such as xylene and verdona etc / kevin michael / cooper

slow to open up fully

keep secrets from loved ones for the “greater good”

initially view their lovers subconsciously as work in progresses before transitioning to puppy love due to bonding in dangerous situations. which later turns out to be more

theres a lot more but ive been thinking about it. 

i dont really like the ship as it is in canon but it has potential ykno? i still prefer ken/devlin but thats just been a preference since before AF/UA came out and i cant stand to think of them being shipped as cousins ew.

and i dont think devlins gwens kid bc he wasnt originally intended to be. it was some woman from saturn but i do find myself liking the idea of gwen taking a shinning to kevins kid and doting on him. boom slowburn gwevin where devlin hopes cool witch gwen will finally ask his jaded father out and be a part of their family. but thats like some specific world building thatd have to go into that one.

well im off to make a gwevin amv to a jack stauber song bc i hate life and heard it and thought of them.

[intersectionedge-blog]

objectification and silence

Due to the acts of objectification I’ve resigned from many of my dreams. Ok, maybe not resigned, but I’ve hidden them, silenced which is a „step out” in the eyes of „social”,  and even not - stepping out in this case is nonperceptible, it’s just something which existed before (which existence becomes veiled, not-remembered) and now isn’t there. Many of these acts have never seemed gender-based, only the mechanism was confusingly similar. So, since I’ve discovered that I used to embrace sometimes the others’ objectification, reification of my own passions and interests, I’ve subsequently noticed that it was not the lack of my dedication or an internal „error” of what I’ve considered as such, but the act of object-making of some very intense and complex spheres of my life which were leading me to silence them and hide. Once I’ve taken the objectified perception of these from the others, a perception which is demeaning, they started to seem unattainable, cause that abstract notion of what I think and what I do had nothing to do with its complexity I’ve had felt so far. Anyway, the act of silencing in the face of objectification is one of the most spread aspects of gender inequality (or inequity), well studied within the feminist theory (but maybe not well analyzed). Right now I’m starting to think that if we really need to embrace elements of patriarchal common-sense, we should more trace not within this which is easily caught upon the gender-based structures of disapproval, depreciation, demeaningness and - inequality (or inequity). It wouldn’t be a real hegemony indeed if its particular focal points are so easy to notice. So, as many women along history have silenced their voices (as an act of presupposed agency in the face of depreciating social surrounding) or their voices have been silenced in the full variety of ways (just think about an example, or even an exemplum of suicider in Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak’s „Can subaltern speak?” essay). I've done the same many times, still underlining the mistake of such action and trying not to get hypnotized by the poetics of the agency of silence or martyrology of being silenced. Penelope, weaving and weaving, and weaving until her husband Odysseus won’t come back - her life being transformed into constant passive present after his departure, the life which can’t come into an active being, cannot reach the past, so also the future, which are the basic formats of having a sense of one’s own identity. Her life can „cling to life” only in the presence of the man who has made her his. Or, for example, the act of hiding one’s nominal and possible to situate identity in the aim of reaching  and expressing one’s identity in the sphere where accompanied by this proper nominal one it was impossible to enter - I am thinking here about many women writers and painters who were publishing under the masculine name. Many, many more examples well exposed today, but let’s come back to fragments of my own story. When we broke up with my boyfriend, my life came upon the passivity and I felt the lack of some part of myself which I used to believe I have had before we’ve met. And it’s anything I’ve decided, what’s more - even I didn’t want it since the very beginning of our relationship - I’ve been visualizing ourselves as two individuals making something together, and panicky opposed any supposed act of his bad treatment of me. Even though, the social rule was making its job above us. And I knew that he won’t experience the same sense of lack I did, which was making me even more depressed and understating my yet low sense of self-esteem. What my brain was suggesting me to do - and still is - was to cease my possible physical presence within spatial spheres in our city and among our friends which have both became common, and I know it will be a hard struggle not to do so. Cause it’s a mistake. But there were a few people, amongst which - my mum, who had advised me to „step out” „for my own own peace of mind” and self-realization without obstacles. And for the same very reasons, I won’t do this.   The small things I am trying to unveil and analyze through my own experiences lately, start to work for my image as „tilting at windmills” and this is another process of silencing ongoing. But I’m not scared of it, it’s just not worthy of a thrill. Because, once I talk about it to some other people, sometimes I hear „I’ve had a sensation like you’ve been writing about me” or „thank you, have nothing more to add”. These are not the only responses I get - I talk about my experiences to men, too, since many of them are my close friends. We even don’t imagine how many „obvious” experiences have been isolated thanks to support-based common-experiences-exchange within many women’s (family, friends) and also feminist circles. So many of them don’t even acknowledge possible man’s presence within. And yet there are so many men who really want to hear and share their opinion even if they’re not feminists. They are simply people who „want to understand”, „want to know more”. Until we won’t start speaking without a filtrating view, men will think that these experiences are only exceptions linked to particular-kind-of-men and doing so, they will never consider themselves as possible bearers of this heritage. And we are, we all are. We talk a lot about a sexist hate-speech, I’d suppose that we are not of the same grade familiar with discussing the approval-like sexist speech. And we make a mistake by our temptations to ban some kind of expressions. This language set is rooted within deeper mental structures. Focusing on the outer layer is undoubtedly important, but each time we notice that we should shift on what’s below. And some sadly experienced women, won’t gain anything by hating man, by finding a mental shelter saying that men are just oppressive, that men think with balls etc. - that way we only enact the same discursive patriarchal structure inside which it is placed a notion that women are just more quiet, and think with their hearts. It’s awful. As a woman, I bear the capacity of feeling well by creating in silence, by closing my thoughts in exclusive circles, by feeling even great working „from below” or „close-enough-to” without the aim to be in the center. Please do notice that I’m not saying about „doing so”, but about „feeling good within”, the same as I’m not assuming that this feeling isn’t also a part of some men’s lives.  And since I am a performer and I feel more comfortable by performing in the center these two feelings were always fighting with each other in some focal points in my past life until today, and for sure they will. So, turning back to what I have marked out in the title of this reflection, my dedication to dance world (in many different forms) has been strongly objectified by reducing the whole dense complexity of my feelings for dancing to simply „an ambition” which made me get hooked. By reducing it into an ambition I was gaining sometimes a subliminal message - „chill girl, don’t be so ambitious, so zealous, it’s   o n l y   your passion, or maybe even - a hobby”, a domesticated activity. „Only” is an illusive and an excellent tool of the objectification act. What has happened - I made myself quit dancing, but dancing didn’t quit me. I started to dance in darkness, in empty spaces, when there was nobody or everybody was asleep, like I didn’t want to get caught on this denuding act, which appeared almost like a tightlipped romance. And what’s more, I even found a beauty of incredible poetics which seemed to flourish from within that conspiration-like silence, strange but not an exceptional mixture of grief and pride! But I did get caught once, on my own wish. We were at my friend's house, having rest during the middle of winter. My two close friends were lying down on the couch. I turned on some music, and, accidentally, started to dance. After all, when I was lying down on the pavement still stunned of what has just happened when the last pulsations of a past event were resonating through my body, a friend of mine looked at me and said: „like... I don’t understand. Really.” and this „not-understanding” referred to the hung above question why this isn’t a part of my today’s living. It is, indeed, but a hidden part. I am still trying to trace why is it so easy sometimes to lose control while the objectification act is ongoing. Losing control means - to embrace it, even partially, but a partial embrace of passiveness always tends to totalization. This way, you leave the part of yourself behind and maybe this is what Sartre meant - „... it is not that I perceive myself losing my freedom in order to become a thing, but my nature is - over there, outside my lived freedom - as a given attribute of this being which I am for the Other”, while writing on voyeur’s shame. Only by living within lived freedom we are able to put our pieces together. It is never possible in its totality. But by acknowledging the impact of the shameful objectification, we are able to keep a compensation, which is never not fully embraced by the other’s notion what-like we are. Your space of experiencing, once objectified, becomes limited, call it a box (like today’s coaching „priests”), the square (like Beatniks), or whatever else you like. But an objectification’s goal is to close you inside an object, on the outside of which - there is only silence.

[loveisaviolence3]

🖐 bellamy deserves this post you right

🖐 for five reasons why my muse likes loves* yours / accepting.

we are going to pretend i didn’t see the ‘five’ part because of.. who i am as a person. 

i (don’t) apologize. this is in no way a comprehensive list or in any specific order let alone in order of significance. it’s more about… bellamy related things that tasha loves than.. reasons why she loves him but in a way i suppose that’s kind of the same thing. why is a sum of these things and more. also may alternate between things tasha loves that bellamy is and things tasha loves that bellamy does, which is obviously linked but.. you know. 

disclaimer: this is a mess, as feelings are. under a read more because.. long. 

his hands. tasha really appreciates the duality of them, i think. how gentle they can be while also being capable of inflicting harm. and they’re different from the hands of anyone else (significant) in her life when she’s young, calloused and rough from training and all of the other harsh conditions dhampirs suffer through and tasha.. likes that. she likes how they feel, that even when they’re touching her softly they’re indicative of the kind of life he lives and specific to him. that he handles her with care but not like she’s breakable. that he’s lived harder than she has and comes from a different world (lives in a different world, in a way, if she’s being realistic, as much as she hates to think of it that way) and that they’ve found so much common ground despite this. 

that they can have intellectually stimulating debates – before bellamy, tasha had never had anyone in her life that she felt she could disagree with without consequence. even the mildest disagreements resulted in tension and disapproval and the withholding of affection, which made her somewhat reluctant to speak her mind in her adolescent years, or at least very wary of what the repercussions would be for doing so. fearful of the resentment that might not wane over time. sometimes she’d refrain, fearing the backlash, but most of the time tasha, in the heat of passion, can’t really help herself and doesn’t realize what’s happened until the damage has already been done.

– i imagine that she and bell, as passionate and highly intellectual as they both are, have plenty of debates while they’re dating, probably about a variety of topics, be they history or philosophical concepts or whatever. i’m sure they can get pretty intense, too, considering how emotional they both can be as well as how stubborn, and i think tasha is very pleasantly surprised to find that they can just….. go back to eating pizza or making out afterwards. there’s definitely a few moments where she says something impulsively and you can see her just kinda go ‘oh no’ and shrink in on herself a little bit. she expects some kind of lingering irritation or tension and there’s just.. none. at first that’s kind of jarring for her, and she doesn’t entirely trust it to last. but it does, and tasha loves that so much. tasha really really needed that at that point in her life more than any other and it was everything to her.

to kind of build on that point… bellamy’s mind is so fascinating to her and she loves hearing his thoughts, even by way of argument. after her anxiety about arguing with him and potentially damaging their relationship/his view of her by doing so passes, it’s one of her favorite things. debating with him is such a fucking turn on and i wouldn’t be surprised if tasha kissed him in the middle of him making his point sometimes not because she didn’t want to hear it but because she really couldn’t help herself.

i like to think there are points they still can’t agree on to this day and sometimes still playfully go back and forth over in that easy way of theirs. i also like to think that they still have this uncanny ability to argue about something without it affecting their relationship or ability to work together– maybe it takes a bit longer since the subject matter (team tasha stuff aka life and death stuff) is more serious (though i think they probably agree on most things), but the respect they have for each other never dwindles and they usually can snap back to their usual dynamic even when the kids might expect there to be lingering tension between them. they know each other and where the other is coming from and respect the other’s point of view. they have such a deep and intricate understanding of each other that it couldn’t really be any other way. 

bellamy is so nerdy and tasha loves it. it’s hot. sexy as can be. she loves to hear him talk about mythology and history and loves learning from him. she never gets bored of it and i think his interest in it inspires interest in her as well. she’ll get nerdy about the cyclops with him, hence why she can remember so much of the stuff they talked and read about ten years later. also… tasha herself is a fucking nerd and back to the debating thing.. it’s so hot to have someone on her level that isn’t threatened by her intelligence or dismissive towards it whew. (he’s probably one of the only people if not the only person who actually notices it so there’s that too.) 

tasha values his opinions so much and he can sway her a lot of the time which she actually loves. i think even ten years down the line he has a very unique way of getting through to her that no one else (barring christian, but i think the reasons themselves are unique for each person) shares. 

bellamy is maybe the only person tasha truly loses track of time with. adolescent tasha is very accustomed to a family that’s very structure and schedule oriented and leaves very few minutes free. when the entire family (not just lucas and moira’s branch) gets together to hang out, it’s planned and even then there are so many other elements and agendas at play that you can’t really call it spending time together for the sake of enjoying the other’s company. and i think, even after lucas and moira die, tasha has a tendency to fill every moment even if it isn’t as calculated or about adhering to some rigid structure– she just doesn’t do well with down time and feels a need to keep moving and working towards her goal. she can’t handle the guilt of not doing so or the grief that settles in oh so comfortably when her mind isn’t occupied. but with bellamy, especially during their high school years, there’s never a need to.. do anything. she gets lost in him and the comfort of being around him and everything is just.. easier. 

tasha can spend hours in his room doing nothing and that really catches her off guard at first. it probably results in her being late a lot and gets her in trouble at first, but she eventually adjusts and god does she need that downtime. something about bellamy just.. calms her down and puts everything in focus and it’s such a relief that during the time they spent together tasha forgets about time and the outside world entirely. they’ll talk or cuddle or make out for hours without realizing any time has passed and it helps tasha with her anxiety and stress levels and just generally makes her a happier healthier person, less prone to burying all of that energy until she..  you know kills a queen or something. okay not that dramatic but still. it’s therapeutic. and it’s no coincidence that in that thread we have where she and bell fight and end up kissing that them having sex (if they have sex.. it’s lookin that way) will be the first time in… a long ass time.. that tasha’s just let herself be without thinking about the next step, whatever it might be. 

his smell. i’m terrible @ describing smells but it just makes her feel very safe and she loved wearing his shirts and slept better in his bed than her own even if he wasn’t there purely because of that smell and the echo of his warmth. 

how he interacts with octavia and the love he has for her. it goes without saying given that one of the most vibrant common threads between them is that they’re both parents and caretakers and become them very young, but still. early on, tasha is very attracted to big brother!bell and how he cares for his sister. tough men being gentle is hot, and so is how deeply she can relate to loving a child as if they are your own. because they are. octavia and christian are their children and they have this in common even when all of their other similarities and past seems distant and they are worn down to nothing. 

also his love for his mom and loyalty to family in general. they have the fact that they’re extremely loyal to their families and that their moms had a big impact on their lives and personalities in common and it’s a lot.

that they’re partners. that they’re a team that trusts and respects and relies on each other. that they talk and figure things out together. when they’re in hs that’s how to best take care of octavia and christian and a decade later it’s how to create a better world for them. they hit some bumps along the way but everything is about getting back to this place and tasha wants and loves bellamy as her partner. there are times when she has a hard time getting this across because she’s spent so much time going it alone, but she craves this kind of connection with him more than anything else. she can do without the rest of it as long as she has bell as her friend (family) + partner. 

tasha loves how… physical bellamy is. how tactile. how he cares and loves with his body. there’s not a lot of touching in her family and even she tends to be somewhat restrained even when affectionate. all of her love and affection is very.. contained a lot of the time and the same is even more true for her family. but bellamy can’t help but reach out and he’s very intuitive, knowing instinctively where to touch and how much pressure to apply. when he holds you he holds you, enveloping and automatically shielding you from all that could cause harm, and tasha just… it gets to her like nothing else. it makes her body feel like it belongs to her in a way it never did before – her, not the warrior she trains herself to be but the girl he loved when they were kids that she tried to leave behind. later in life her body became a weapon similar to the way his is, but when he holds it it doesn’t feel that way anymore. she loves that about him so much. 

tasha has a growth spurt after her mom dies. before she’s a girl and after she’s long and willowy and more a woman than she’s ready to be or for her family to see her as. suddenly everyone’s talking about her like she’s a commodity and it makes her feel uncomfortable in her own skin and out of control of her own body just when she’s fresh out of a female connection to help her through this transition. this sense of discomfort with everyone’s fixation on her appearance only grows as she gets older and her family starts talking about potential suitors and the like. 

the fact that bellamy’s appreciation for her body goes hand in hand with her sense of comfort is just… a lot i think. he thinks she’s at her most beautiful when she’s in sweatpants with her hair in a messy bun and at this time in her life she really needs that. she loves how deeply he knows her and that she can enjoy his desire for and attraction to her and the thrill of being intimate with him. there are a lot of little things he does (even just refusing to call her natasha and making a point of calling her tash and tasha during uncomfortable family things) that put her at ease and she loves him so much for that. 

i like to think they bring each other some comfort both having had their bodies thought of as objects by the people around them, even if in different ways. they’re both being groomed for different kinds of violence (bell for literal war and tasha to participate in and uphold and contribute to a system that crushes those on the ground) and are both uniquely vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation. he understands what it feels like to have to have someone try to make you into something else.

tasha treasures the intimacy within their relationship so much. the playfulness of it is so important to her. i headcanon that tasha’s parents loved each other but weren’t in love and therefore the kind of intimacy happy loving couples typically have was just… absent. there was no playfulness, no touching, no laughter. one of the reasons tasha is so afraid of her family sticking with someone is that she’s terrified of ending up stuck in a marriage similar to her parents’ marriage – which, to be clear, wasn’t all bad, but was also never the kind of relationship tasha wanted for herself. tasha wanted (wants) to be in love. tasha wants the intimacy of being in love. later in life she can appreciate that there are so many kinds of love and that all of them are valid and important (it’s vinh that teaches her this for the most part– because her love for him was different than her love for bellamy but losing him was just as shattering), but it’s important that at her core, this is still not the kind of relationship tasha craves.

 i don’t know if i’d call tasha super romantic, but she grew up craving the intimacy her household lacked. she loves romance movies because she enjoys watching people being happy together, simple as that. it’s not about love conquering all or going through time and space to be with the person you love, it’s just… playing. warmth and companionship and fun. and finding this with bellamy is everything to her. losing it devastates her.  (and after she does, she considers herself lucky for the time she had it and decides that’s the end of it. her deciding to try to give dimitri the relationship she thinks he wants is her settling for a relationship reminiscent of her parents.) 

they were young once and it just absolutely kills me you know?? like even as teens their lives are harder than they should be and they’re raising kids as kids themselves (bell more than tasha but still) but they play. not as often as they deserve to but in the moments they manage to steal they play. they have stupid nerdy inside jokes with each other. they take silly pictures. they have tickle fights and picnics and play games with each other and their kids. they stargaze they laugh they challenge and tease and get a rise out of each other. they live a whole life in the … how many years they’re together (2? 3?) and when they’re too tired because training and school and everything else weighing on them they can just sit together doing their own thing enjoying the other’s company, comforted by the simple, casual intimacy of having the other person close by. bellamy’s humor. his teasing. his playfulness. tasha treasures these things about him so much. they’ve never managed to find their way back to being the kids they once were with each other but at least they find a way to get back to a place where they can sit together in silence and feel comforted by the fact that the other person is there. 

his passion. tasha is so very affected by and attracted to his passion. like s1 bellamy giving speeches to the delinquents? hot, but also, more importantly, inspiring. she’d follow him anywhere. she really would. 

to continue.. his heart. how kind he is. i feel like this is pretty self explanatory and yes very cliche but wowowow his heart is so BIG and i can’t possibly put into words how much she loves that heart of his and how deeply it loves and feels things. it’s… so important to her both as an adolescent and an adult for different reasons – as an adolescent because her family is so cold and distant (and when it is verbalized the act is either calculated or either prefaced or immediately followed by an act that would disprove it) and bellamy’s love is so LOUD and POWERFUL that it’s practically a physical thing that tasha can hold close to her chest when she needs it the most and as an adult because she is still very much in need of that unconditional love and acceptance but also because it CRACKS HERS RIGHT OPEN and reminds her that it’s still beating.  

how protective he is of those he loves, of octavia especially. how he understands the love she has for christian better than anyone else. how patient he is with her, that he’ll listen to her rant about how lucas and moira don’t appreciate christian enough and GETS the kind of anger you feel in your bones when your child deserves more than what they get.

that he remembers the names and faces of the people who fought beside him and lost their lives, that they have this in common. that he understands. 

his bravery. god. bellamy taught tasha so so much about being brave. there were days that after the attack that tasha only survived because she had everything bell had ever told her about fear running on loop in the back of her head. she clung to that screw you i’m not afraid face your demons mentality so hard. he’s taught her so much and had such an impact on her and how she views so many things. 

his smile. so lovely. lights up the whole world, or at least tasha’s. its ability to warm her is not the least dependent on her romantic feelings for him it is always there. she wants him to be happy so goddamn bad. also his voice is very soothing. his curls? beautiful. 

how well he knows her. how he knows her even when she doesn’t know herself, recognizes her when no one else including herself can. how he understands when no one else is capable or even willing to try. 

that he never stops making her feel like she’s sixteen all over again no matter how much she may try to fight it or how many walls she puts up and can always reach that part of her even if it’s gone quiet. 

[collectivedreamscapes-moved]

the Renees - people

Physically, all of the Renees look more or less like the body does, or did at their age.  Some have longer or shorter hair, some wear glasses and some don’t.  The boys look more like our brother. Main Renee was one of the main fronters for a very long time.  She was one of the mothers to the outside children.  She was the one who decided some time in 1999 that we needed to go back into therapy and try to figure out what the heck was wrong with her.  At that time she didn’t know about the rest of us. She tried really hard, when she wasn’t in denial, to accept the system and to hear what we had to tell her.  She mostly dealt with Shadowlands memories.  She was finally overwhelmed late in 2005 and disappeared from the front.  She had been 16, but had reverted to age 5 and was very feral.  She’s mostly stayed in the Shadowlands; sometimes she has been seen with the shadow kids under Raylene’s protection.  As of Jan 2009 she is still very feral, but has aged to about 7.  All of us have made sure to let her know that we are not going to try and force her to be front, and that she doesn’t have to talk until she is ready.  We all rather suspect, though, that she will never be one of the main fronters again. R~ and RC are both 17 and are both the result of main Renee splitting due to overwhelming stress and emotional pain in 1999 and 2000.  Both of them are far more likely to say what they feel.  They also both carry any of the overflow in feelings from main Renee.  They haven’t been heard from since main Renee went five and feral. Renée with the accent over the “e” has never fronted much.  She's about 15 or 16.  She’s very similar to main Renee except that she stays mostly inside. Renee16 is one of the teens who was present when we moved to Florida in 1990.  She’s 16 and very sad and quiet and tends not to talk much.  She gets overwhelmed very easily and doesn’t do very well with the stress of just everyday life.  She holds a lot of the pain that was felt throughout the system when we moved from Texas to Florida, as well as some of the physical pain from some of the physical things we were going to doctors for. renee with the small “r” is 16 and has kind of a dual personality.  She is also known as Ice Princess, one of the Shadow Sisters.  But renee and Ice Princess don’t co-exist.  She is either one or the other.  She was one of the first involved directly with the Shadowlands to start asking questions about their (the Shadowlands) beliefs and how they were raised. She’s also one of the ones that the higher-ups from the Shadowlands have punished for daring to question things.  She wavers back and forth between being loyal to the Shadowlands as Ice Princess and questioning everything she thought she knew as renee. Shadow is 15 and is one of the few Renees that are male.  He usually doesn’t front, but he and Raye were front for about six weeks in November and December of 2008.  That was a bad time for us.  All those over 16 and under 12 seemed to vanish.  We’re still not entirely sure what all was going on system wise, but we do know that it related directly to what we had learned about in June 2008 and hadn’t had a chance to deal with.  The main fronters were all in a kind of stasis where they couldn’t even reach the outside and either couldn’t hear Raye and Shadow or chose not to respond. Rae is 15 and is one of the writers.  She’s pretty quiet and shy.  She loves to read and she absolutely loves to create stories.  She is often the one who comes up with the story ideas. We aren’t quite sure how old Renee10 actually is.  We know that she isn’t actually 10 years old, but she seems to be able to shift her age, so we’re never certain.  Renee10 contains a lot of the anger and spite.  She’s deliberately mean and cruel and enjoys when she can verbally hurt someone.  She often calls people names, and it is usually directed at other system members.  She usually is very aware of what is going on outside, whether she is actually fronting or not, and often subjects whoever is fronting to a variety of sarcastic and cruel remarks about the people around us.  We try to keep her contained, mostly because she refuses to express her rage in acceptable ways. Raye is 13 and is the head of the writers' group.  She’s generally the one who does most of the writing and editing.  She’s usually the one who directs where any certain story is going, although others of the writers have been known to throw their own curves in.  She loves to write and truly dreams of getting published one day.  She’s very serious about her writing and often feels that she and the other writers don’t get their fair share of time out on the computer. Raylynn is 12 and is another of the writers.  She will usually pick up the slack when Raye starts to stall out.  She and Raye belonged to a tag writing club once and they enjoyed it a lot.  She wishes often that they could find another such place.  She misses the interaction of other writers and how stories can change and unfold when so many people have a hand in writing it. Ray, who is 11 is another of the writers.  Otherwise, not much is known about her. Raelin is about 10 and we don’t know much about her.  She’s another one who is mostly quiet and mostly stays on the inside.  She seems to be sad often. Lil raye is 9 and is a traumatic split from main Renee in 2000 over dental trauma.  She is one who is still locked in time.  We have not had the chance to even begin to try and process her trauma.  Others of the Renees keep an eye on her and make sure she isn’t left alone in her fear. NIP (which stands for “Nobody In Particular”) is one of the most vehement about denying everything bad about our childhood.  She's 16 and she seems to willfully disregard anything anyone has to say about the bad things that happened to us.  She’s like a brick wall, she just doesn’t budge.  She has a lot of self-esteem issues as well. “just me” is another who is firmly steeped in denial.  She is also 16 and often feels insignificant and suffers from deep depressions.  Like NIP she refuses to believe that what other system mates have to say could possibly be true. Terry is 7 and started out being called “me”.  We talked to her and she agreed to use the name Renae because it was more meaningful than “me”.  In 2007, she decided that she didn’t want to use the name Renae anymore and chose the name Terry.  She’s a mostly perky little girl, though she fears our father, and as a result most adult men.  She tends to stay with the kids in the Castle. DeeDee is short for Designated Daughter.  She’s 15 and the one who often interacted with our family.  She knew how to play the family game well.  She loves our parents and spent a lot of time defending them to others.  Only in June of 2008, and again several times between then and November did she really begin to understand just how badly our parents hurt us.  It almost broke her.  She hasn’t fronted much since then, trying to come to terms with her intense grief. Shattered is in her late teens and is a deliberate split from main Renee in either 2003 or 2004.  main Renee was dealing with a lot of things, among them the realization that the Renees weren’t just the fronts for the Shadowlands but they had been specifically created by the Shadowlands.  In an attempt to try and placate those of the Shadowlands who wanted the Renees to return and to keep them from abducting people from the Realms she made a conscious decision to split.  Shattered carries the Shadowlands memories that main Renee carried and considers herself fully of the Shadowlands. Lisa was 17 and chose her name in an effort to differentiate herself from main Renee.  She was one of the main fronters immediately after main Renee went five and feral (late 2005).  She was a main fronter until about summer of 2006 when she was inundated with memories of a certain incident that happened with the evil grandmother.  Her age dropped to 13 as she tried to deal with things. When she left front she had aged to 15 but was still being bombarded with memories and triggers. Mean Mommy is more of a fragment than a whole person.  She doesn't seem to really have any specific age.  During the first four or five years of the marriage she was the one who was in charge of disciplining the outside kids.  She never physically hurt them, but she did yell a lot.  The other mothers finally realized that she was scaring our outside kids and that there were better ways to discipline the children and convinced Mean Mommy to change her ways.  We believe she may have blended with one of the other mothers, but we aren’t certain. Rayne, who is about 16 or 17, has only been out a few times, mostly over the summer of 2006.  She seems to be a bit of a free spirit.  She loves freely and doesn’t have a lot of the emotional hang-ups that many of us have about sharing our feelings with people.  She’s actually a breath of fresh air. Motormouth’s name says it all.  She's 16 and she talks a lot, often rapidly.  She tends to stray from subject to subject with very little rhyme or reason.  She used to be the one who would take over and steer the conversation away from sensitive subjects.  She doesn’t do that so much anymore, although she has been known to take over when we are nervous or in a situation where we have to interact with other people and don’t really want to.  People tend to like her even though she talks a lot because she tends to talk about things people like to hear about.