#(almost all of this is in flashbacks fyi) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

toxicanonymity · 1 year ago

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Black Math. Left in Lincoln, pt. 5

8.6k words. dark dbf!Joel Miller x virgin!reader story master list / spotify playlist / joel master

🍑 amazing art by @bonezone44 💙

Now spicier courtesy of the label His smile faded as he looked at you, then he added hoarsely, “God, if you knew how many times I’d thought about you.” There wasn’t so much as a hint of shame in his voice. It had the warmth in your cheeks traveling down, down, down. . . “We’re almost there, baby, but we gotta do it right. We’re almost there, I promise.” He reached into his pants to tuck in his shirt and adjusted himself while he was there. Your eyes fixated on the bulge in his jeans. “God damn,” he exhaled. “Turns me on thinkin’ about it.”

WARNINGS: I8+, Not graphic, but it gets twisted. Lots of plot, including flashbacks, disturbing implicit horror (really), angst, brief self-shaming, big girthy age gap (reader is legal the whole time), pet names and praise, toxic dark joel/fluff, family fluff, gaslighting, manipulation, yearning, pining, obsession, grinding, mutual touching, oral f receiving. NO use of Y/N

A/N: This picks up right after part 4. Word-count wise, parts 1-4 were like half of it. There are two more after this, and I wrote a lot on those before finalizing pt. 5. Thank you all for your patience and enthusiasm. It's so rewarding to see people discuss. Additional thanks to @dark-scape for your help, Raider Joel for your support. I couldn't get the text off bold fyi.

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You awoke to the sound of stairs creaking under heavy steps, a sound you didn’t often hear at home. You blinked awake, still disoriented as your eyes focused. The vanity, the dresser, the empty glass on the nightstand. The closet. Your mind was catching up when the bedroom door opened. Joel was fully dressed with his hair combed back. His brows were knitted in concern as usual, but his eyes brightened when he saw you waking up.

You lifted your head and squinted at him as you propped yourself up with one elbow.

Joel’s tone was as cheerful as you could ever expect to hear it. “Mornin’, sleepyhead. Makin’ sure you're okay.”

“What time is it?”

“Li’l past noon. Still sleepin’? I’ll leave ya ‘lone.”

“I should get up.” You put your head back down on the pillow.

He came over and sat down on the bed. “How’d ya sleep?”

“Good, once I fell asleep.”

“Does the trick, don’t it?” He nodded to the empty glass on the nightstand.

“Yeah,” you laughed.

“Dr. Miller, at your service.”

You giggled again and his eyes glazed over as they fell on your smile, your chest, then met your eyes. He leaned over and put his elbow down on the far side of you.

“Well, you’ve made me believe in beauty sleep, peaches.” He put a hand on your shoulder, dwarfing it with his massive palm as he brushed your skin with his thumb. “Always a beauty, but ya wake up even prettier.” Your face got hot and you looked away shyly.

Joel bit his lip, holding back a smile. He traced the outer curve of your ear with his fingers. “Hungry?”

“Kinda.”

“I’ll go make ya somethin’.” He looked at you warmly then kissed you on the forehead before he went back downstairs.

—-----

You took a shower and got dressed. As your hands glided over your soapy body, your palms lingered on your breasts. You imagined Joel showering and realized you couldn’t picture him shirtless. While you were picking out something to wear, you got to thinking again about the closet full of clothes. They were mostly dresses. You put on one of several soft, casual floral ones about knee length.

Before you closed the closet door, you stopped yourself. You had to face it – the dress you saw in the dark the night before. The one that kept you up. Heart racing, you reached into the far right corner and fumbled with a big, satin hanger. You squinted your eyes almost shut as you carefully brought the dress out where you could see it. You looked at it blurry through your lashes. It was more cream than white.

When you finally opened your eyes all the way, an unexpected sense of relief soothed your chest as if the dress were made of love and meant for you. It was simple, but breathtaking. Not the rigid, intimidating garment your anxiety had envisioned. It had a simple A-line silhouette. The high collar and long sleeves were a lace outer dress laid over a solid one with a sweetheart neckline. The skirt was flowy and came down around mid-calf.

It gave you butterflies and you couldn’t help but imagine Joel went out of his way to get this. It felt like a wishful conclusion, like a romantic story you wanted to believe. You tried to talk yourself away from it, not wanting to assume. But at the same time, you still couldn’t figure who would have left it behind. Your heart sank for a moment when you wondered if it could have been intended for Tess, but Ellie always said they were platonic and even slept in separate rooms. Not only were the clothes not anything Ellie or Tess would wear, but Ellie nor Tess ever lived in this house. They were gone before Joel moved down the street. You put the dress way back in the corner of the closet where it came from.

—------------------

When Joel first settled into the community, he moved into a house near Abe’s, clear on the other side of the neighborhood. You met Ellie first. You were in your backyard gardening when she appeared out of nowhere and asked what you were doing. She was a little younger than you, but much more experienced in life, having been out in the world. You were shy to ask her about the horrors of the infected, not wanting to upset her. But she told you all about it anyway – the different kinds, the way they connected underground. You were grateful for your life and recognized the privilege in growing up like you did. Growing up at all.

Bill used to remind you how lucky you were, especially as a teenager when you would have fits about wanting to go out into the world. Somehow, learning from Ellie in more graphic detail about the state of the world didn’t squash your desire to get out there one day. You asked her all about the quarantine zones and FEDRA school, and those sounded fun, even though she didn’t depict them that way. She asked you a million questions about your little community, too.

You never saw much of Joel until after Ellie left. Frank worried about Joel being all alone, having experienced so much loss, so they invited him over for dinner. The first time, Joel was surprised when you answered the door. He apologized and looked around as though he had made some kind of mistake. Then it occurred to you he might have forgotten your name. You couldn’t even remember a time you had formally met, so you introduced yourself.

He took a few seconds. “Right, sorry,” he mumbled. “I thought—well, Ellie, uh—I guess I thought you were younger.”

Joel was polite and didn’t talk much. Bill liked that about him, so they started having him over for dinner regularly. The two of you didn’t share much conversation, but when you did, Joel seemed in awe of how protected you grew up. It made you self-conscious. It wasn’t something you liked about yourself. When Joel noticed this, he clarified it was a really good thing. Rare. The terror of the world affected most people for the worse.

—

Joel didn’t move into his current house until after the Adlers died and someone needed to take care of the peach and apple orchards. He had already been helping them tend the orchards and also helped fix things up around the property as the Adlers’ age caught up with them.

When Joel moved, Frank had the idea to bake something to welcome him to your family’s end of the community. You made a blueberry cobbler. Frank combed his hair and tucked in a plain, button-up shirt. He didn’t ask you to put on a dress, but you did because Frank always had fun getting spruced. He liked to have a reason, even if the occasion was completely manufactured, like the nights he made dinner and claimed his restaurant had a dress code. You couldn’t deny it made for a nice change of pace, and Bill’s eyes brightened, too despite his obligatory grumbling.

When you were ready to take the cobbler to Joel, Bill said the two of you looked like you were going to a wake.

“It’s nice to dress up,” Frank protested. “It shows we care.”

When you and Frank were about to walk over there, Frank started tearing up thinking about the Adlers. They were your neighbors for as long as you could remember. “I can’t, I can’t do it,” Frank said. Bill didn’t want to do it either. He wasn’t planning on it to begin with.

“I’ll take it,” you offered. So they sent you.

—

You walked up to Joel’s (new) house, stopping to admire the gambrel roof. The front door was newly black and smelled like paint, so you weren’t sure where to knock. You rang the bell and it buzzed sadly in a low, broken tone, as though barely hanging on. When you were just about to walk around back and knock, Joel opened the door holding a dish towel and a salty look that softened as saw you. He let go of the door and looked down as he cleaned his hands.

His voice was deep as always, but it struck you more when you were one-on-one without anyone else’s chatter. “Need somethin’?”

“Uh, no. I don’t.” You smiled just enough to not look scared and countered, “Do you need anything?” His presence was intimidating. Handsome and muscular, with a quiet, powerful energy.

He didn’t say anything. Kept cleaning his fingers. Once he looked at you again, he didn’t look away. He stopped messing with his fingers. It was your only private conversation since the first time he came over for dinner. It was more eye contact than he had ever given you. You waited out the silence, then smiled and held out the cobbler for him. “This is for you.”

He put his hands around the dish, careful not to let his dirty fingers touch yours. “You made this?”

“Yeah,” you nodded and took your hands away. His eyes gave the hint of a smile, but his mouth didn’t budge.

“Welcome to the street,” you told him.

He nodded but didn’t offer any more words. He stood there and looked at you until you said, “Well, you know where we are if you need anything. Bye, Joel.” He nodded and watched you walk away.

—---------

Joel and the Adlers. Those were the only people you were aware of who ever lived in that house. You put on another dress. It was a lightweight, black fabric. Low-cut, flowy, came down to your knees with elbow length sleeves that were kind of see through and flared out.

You were too curious not to bring up the clothes. Over lunch, you asked, “The Adlers didn’t have a daughter when they lived here, did they?”

He seemed to be thinking it over as he finished chewing. “Not that I know of. Why?”

“Whose clothes are these?”

“Ah,” he said. “Well they’re yours now, peaches.”

You smiled. “Before, though.”

“Why? Do you like’em? They look good on ya. Are they the right size?”

“I like’em a lot. They’re nice, they fit well.”

He raised his eyebrows and proudly revealed, “Picked’em up at the boutique.” His cheeks turned pink as he looked at you for approval. “Wasn’t much left. Wasn’t sure you’d like’em.” He took a bite of his salad.

“Wow,” you nodded. You were nearly speechless that he stocked that room for you. If there wasn’t much left at the boutique, he must’ve grabbed anything in your general size. Maybe that’s how he ended up with The Dress.

“Wanted to have what ya needed here, just in case.” He nodded as he chewed. “S’why it took me a few days to come by after Bill and Frank left.”

“That’s nice, Joel.” It was a little awkward. You didn’t know what to say.

He continued to explain himself. “Men like me and Bill, we’re protectors.” He put down his fork to gesticulate. “So when your papa asked me to make sure you’d be okay, I took it real serious. Did everything I could to be ready for any scenario.”

You slowly nodded and he looked at you in anticipation of further response. You said, “Well, you went above and beyond.”

Your face must have given away your shock. Joel sighed. “Might’ve gotten carried away.” He looked down and lowered his voice. “Been a while since I had someone to care for. I guess the idea of someone even possibly needin’ me. . . ” Your heart hurt for him. “Hell, maybe I wanted to remember what it felt like. Look at me playin’ dress-up, right?” He laughed at himself, but his eyes were somber.

You took his hand into yours and looked him in the eyes. “Thank you, Joel.”

“I’m glad they fit,” he said. “Glad ya can use’em.” He took a sip of water, then quickly swallowed it to clarify, “I mean, I’m not glad ya had to leave home. Just glad I could be here.”

“Yeah.” You squeezed his hand. He kissed yours and let it go. “This is really good, by the way. Love the dressing.”

“It’s basil. Grew it outside. I’ve got some herb seedlings in pots down in the basement. We can try to plant’em if ya want.”

Your face lit up at the possibility of going outside. “Yeah!”

“We’ll do the arugula, too. I dunno about the ‘berries, darlin’, but we’ll try.”

—----

It was a cloudy day, but still nice out. Joel seemed to think it might rain later. After lunch, he loaded up a wagon full of plants and supplies from the basement, and the two of you walked through the orchard. The fresh air was invigorating after being stuck in the house.

“‘Member which tree is ours?” Joel asked.

When you correctly pointed it out, he stopped the wagon and let the handle sit. You looked at him shyly as he looked you up and down. “C’mere.” He gently turned you to face him. “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?” He cradled your head with both hands. You tilted your chin, then he planted a long, affectionate kiss on your lips.

When you got to the garden beds at the back of the orchard, Joel said, “we should plant’em together so they cross-pollinate. Where do you wanna put’em?” Joel watched your face as you walked around them and evaluated the options.

The garden bed to the right already had a pumpkin vine with beautiful flowers. That bed looked more settled, darker, and fertile. “I didn’t know you had pumpkins,” you marveled. “Maybe by those?”

Joel looked down at the garden bed. “Yeah, hopefully they’ll fruit.” He smiled up at you without raising his head again.

Joel used a spade to dig shallow holes, then you nestled the roots in the holes and both of you patted the soil down. First the arugula, then the basil, then the longshot–the strawberries,

“Pat it down, but not too tight,” he said.

When you were finished, you knelt by the vine and traced a flower with your fingers. Its warm colors were cheerful. “When the pumpkins grow, can we eat’em?”

“Sure, darlin’.” Joel looked down at the vine, squatting right beside you. “Y’know, the flower’s edible, too.”

“It is?” Your stomach rumbled at the thought of eating something new.

Half of Joel’s mouth curled into a small smile. “I reckon you’ve never had a flor de calabaza taco, then. Granted, not sure how ya would’ve.”

“Flor de calabaza?”

“Pumpkin flower. Haven’t had one in a while myself. Go on, pick a couple. Let’s try it.”

You plucked one. “Good choice,” he said, giving you a flashback to when he caught you with one of his peaches. The embarrassment flooded you all over again as you picked two more. Joel saw your face change, and he smiled, hopefully not thinking about the origin of your nickname. You wondered how often he thought about it. He picked a flower of his own, leaving a bit of vine on it, then stroked your cheek and said “c’mere.” He looked in your eyes and put his flower behind your ear. He kissed you on the lips, then wrapped an arm around you and began to stand, bringing you up with him.

Joel looked up at the sky, squinting. “Ah, hell. Gimme that cloth.” He knelt down and finished patting the soil as you retrieved the cloth from the wagon. You helped him cover the newly planted arugula, basil, and strawberries to protect them from washout.

—--

You hung out in the kitchen, helping Joel make dinner. The apple blossom in the jar still looked beautiful. He knew how to take care of things. You washed the pumpkin flowers, then twirled one against your nostrils as Joel cooked wild turkey. You inhaled the petals and tried to imagine what they’d taste like. Joel cooked the flowers with the turkey. They were delicious. Granted, anything new to eat was appealing in principle. Novelty was its own seasoning.

After dinner that night, Joel needed to do some work outside before the rain. He showed you a shelf of books and games near the fireplace, then watched your face as you browsed them. You picked up one that you liked as a girl but hadn’t read in years. Joel went out through the basement. You heard him dragging a tarp out.

There were a lot of thoughts distracting you from your book. Your feelings for Joel overwhelmed you. At certain moments, it felt too good to be true. You also reflected on your intimacy and felt like things were moving fast. You understood why: you felt safe and protected, and your body’s physical need for his was totally natural. But the speed also made it feel fragile somehow. Like if you looked down, you might be falling through the air, not realizing you ran off a cliff.

There was also the question: If a connection this special formed so quickly, could it come undone just as fast? You couldn’t rid your head of his wounded face when you said you were lonely. You hurt his feelings and panicked, as if you needed to give him everything you could at that moment to prove that you loved him. As much as you enjoyed having him in your mouth like that, it felt impulsive in hindsight. Desperate, and you hoped he didn’t see it that way. Pathetic, even. But the memory of it turned you on all the same.

You replayed other encounters in your mind and felt like you were largely the one driving things. Burying your fear and grief in his lap. It embarrassed you to think about, but you also felt relieved that there wasn’t really any pressure. It was like Joel said, whatever you want and that’s all. You said you wanted it in your mouth, and of course he wouldn’t discourage it. Then he wouldn't be giving you everything.

The sound of metal banging then scraping on concrete stirred you from your thoughts. Then the basement door opened and shut twice.

—------

When Joel came back inside, it was nearly your typical bedtime and you were cozy on the sofa. You were curled up on your side with the book on your thigh and your eyes closed. You were only half asleep, but you let him take the book. He also spread a blanket over you. When his bedroom door closed, you sat up and opened the book again. There was a black thumbprint on the open page, and it smelled like ash. It gave you butterflies to see his thumbprint. You liked the idea of having part of him in the book as you read it. You knew how irrational these feelings were, but it didn’t stop them.

Joel’s shower turned on. The walls were so thin that you could hear everything. A cabinet opening, the shower door, changes in the rhythm of the water flow. You could hear that he brushed his teeth in the shower. Maybe not just in the shower. He always seemed to taste fresh. A few minutes after the water turned off, Joel came out of his room in jeans and a white t-shirt that wasn’t tucked in. The shirt hugged his pecs and arms and gave you an even deeper, needier appreciation for his physique. The casual look was really attractive on him. You needed him so bad it hurt. If you couldn’t have him forever, you weren’t sure what you would do. If he ended up with anyone else—there was no reason for this thought to even cross your mind, but the fleeting idea of it made your temples weak. He was too perfect.

You were sitting on the couch hugging your knees when he sat down next to you. He put his hand on your knee and dipped his head to look at you. You took a deep breath through your nose. Mint and pine. His post-shower fragrance made your chest tingle.

“You okay, peaches?”

“Yeah.” You mustered a smile. “Just tired. Guess I should go to sleep.”

“Sure, darlin’. Want me to tuck you in?”

Your heart sank at the lack of an invitation. “Yeah.”

Joel took your hand and led you upstairs. While you were in the bathroom getting ready to sleep, Joel made the bed for you before turning the covers down for you to get in.

“There ya go.”

“Thanks.” You got under the covers, tempted to make room for him but not wanting to come on too strong or look desperate.

He sat down on the edge of the mattress and leaned over you like he had in the morning. “Need anything at all, I’m right downstairs.”

“Thank you.”

Joel kissed you goodnight. You were a little sad when he didn't try anything, but you had already said you were tired. In your heart, you felt like he'd always be patient with you. If you wanted to slow things down, it was yourself you had to worry about. But in your heart, that wasn’t what you wanted anyway. You just hoped Joel didn’t think less of you for needing him so much.

—-----------

You woke up in the middle of the night to a deafening clap of thunder. You sat up and your hand went to your chest. You could feel your heart pounding. The wash of your blood through your valves echoed in your ears. Outside, branches rustled loudly and snapped in the wind.

You were unsettled lying there awake and alone. You wondered why Joel didn't just have you sleep in his bed. Maybe he was trying to be respectful, but these were the things that made you second guess the pace on your end. You lay there alone, and began to hear creaking and clattering indoors that made your heart race. Joel was right downstairs, but he never felt so far away. The thunder was okay, but the other noises made your mind race with thoughts of whatever happened the other night at your house. Whatever Joel saved you from. The distorted version of Call Me echoed in your mind.

You worked up the courage to get out of bed. You crept downstairs like you did the night before. A flash of lightning startled you. When a louder, longer crack of thunder followed, you quickened your steps, hanging onto the bannister for dear life so you wouldn’t slip in the dark.

Joel’s bedroom door was cracked open, so you let yourself in. It was almost pitch black dark. He was on his back in the middle of the bed with the covers pulled half down. You couldn’t make out his face, but his breathing told you he was fast asleep. You went around to the side farthest from the bedroom door and smoothed your nightgown under you as you lifted up the comforter and gently sat down. You brought up your feet and slipped under the covers. Joel’s breathing changed, but he didn’t move until there was a louder clap of thunder. You scooted closer and whispered his name.

His head jolted up and he gasped. “You okay?”

“Yeah. But I got scared of the storm.”

“‘C’mere, darlin’.” He turned onto his side to face you and stretched his arm out. You scooted over and laid your head on it. He draped his other arm over you. “You’re okay, I got ya.” He pulled you closer and planted a kiss on your forehead.

You lay there with your arm nestled between you and your hand on his chest. He touched your hair and kissed you on the head a few more times, then dipped his head to kiss your lips, nudging your head up to face him. The kiss was languid and both your lips came to a rest without pulling away. You stayed like that, both of you breathing through your noses with your lips nestled between each other’s. His breathing slowed again, and your breath began to match his. Your lips finally fell away as you drifted off in his arms to the sound of the storm.

In the middle of the night, you woke up on your back with Joel half on top of you, one of his legs between yours. You stirred and he put more weight on you. He sighed your name without waking up, and the sound of it in his mouth gave you butterflies. Then he fisted your nightgown over your breast and slurred, “‘m sorry.” His body jerked and he gasped, then relaxed again. A few seconds later, he mumbled, “had to.” His breath deepened. “For us.”

Your mind became an empty pit, and your heart raced. “Had to what,” you whispered.

“Please." He became unintelligible. "Please," he repeated in distress.

“Had to what, Joel?”

He jolted awake at the sound of his name. He jerked his head up then relaxed as he felt you beneath him. “You ok, baby?”

“Yeah, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He took some of his weight off you, rolling back onto his side and resting a massive hand on your chest. “Sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah.”

He sighed and rested his forehead on your shoulder for a few seconds. Then you asked, “What were you dreaming about?”

“Hmm. . . didn’t know I was dreamin’,” he said. “But I reckon I’d dream about you, darlin’.”

“What about me?”

“Ohh, you and me. . .” He kissed your nose, then your lips, then whispered, “and the rest of our lives.” His words bypassed your mind and wrapped your heart in the tightest little hug. It was already getting difficult to imagine a future without him. You could hardly picture it at this point. What would you even be doing? The same things you’d done your whole life, at the same house, with no hope of meeting someone to share it with. Even if you met someone, you couldn’t possibly imagine anyone else making you feel this way.

—-----------

The storm had died down. By then, it was just the loud patter of rain, darkened with a steady rumble. Joel pulled you close and planted light kisses on your mouth. Then he slid his tongue between your lips and the kisses became deeper. He shifted to hover over you, and you reached out to trace his form, starting with a hand on each pec, sliding them over his shoulders and down to where his triceps stretched his sleeves. You could imagine nothing hotter than Joel with his hair out of place, shoulders and biceps bulging through his white t-shirt. He leaned down to kiss you like he hadn’t seen you in days.

He lowered himself to lay half on top of you again, and you felt the warm shape of his cock hardening against your hip. You and me, and the rest of our lives. . . Between his words, his weight, and his passion, you melted under him. He rested his forearms on either side of your torso. He planted a kiss on your cheek, then your chin, then your throat. His lips opened and closed, opened and closed, crawling wetly up and around your throat without ever breaking contact. His hips pushed his hardness against you and you sighed. He sealed his lips in the crook of your neck and sucked, moaning quietly into your skin. He tore his mouth from your neck with a low sigh to say, “You’re gorgeous, baby.” His voice was hoarse from sleep or want.

He sealed his lips around yours and you could feel his affection with every brush of his tongue. You could taste all the words he wanted to say–that he was desperate for you, would do anything for you, could never lose you. You kissed him back, slowly but hungrily, your hips lifting into him, telling him without words that he could have all of you, you were truly his. You kissed harder, your mouth hanging onto his for dear life, and he moaned into your mouth. A groan was building in your chest but you just wanted to hear him.

—

He sighed as his hardness dug into you, then his hand reached down between your legs, under your nightgown. He lightly dragged his middle finger up and down the crotch of your panties, still kissing you deeply. Then he traced the same line with several fingers flattened together. He broke the kiss to try to read your eyes in the dark. Then he said, “God, I love you so much.” Before you could say it back, he covered your mouth with his. His hips slowly rolled into you as he sucked and tasted your mouth. The rhythm of his stiff cock against your hip made you physically weak with desire.

You tried to shift your hips under him. He got the message and put himself between your legs, resting both his forearms on the bed again. With his cock laying heavily against your mound, you ached with need, dying to be filled, at least by his fingers. But you were also a little shy about how needy you felt. He kissed you with so much love, and you felt just as much for him, but your brain took over for a moment and your lips stopped moving.

The moment you started overthinking it, Joel noticed and pulled back. He experimentally grinded his cock against your front. He leaned his temple against yours and whispered, “Just ‘cause it's there don’t mean ya gotta do anything with it.”

You breathed an internal sigh of appreciation, even though you were salivating to have it in your mouth again. To have it anywhere, everywhere.

—

He cupped your cheek and stroked it with his thumb. “I just wanna make ya feel good. Can I do that?” You nodded “mm-hm,” and his hand returned between your legs, ghosting your clit through the fabric. “Cause I don’t have to,” he went on. “Won’t hurt my feelings if ya go back to your bed, okay?” You nodded. “We’ll just do what you want,” he said. Except for what I want most, you thought to yourself.

Joel reached down to adjust his boxers, then he backed up and kissed his way down your body. Every press of his lips through the satin gown made you throb more. The faint silhouette of his hair made you imagine he was looking up at your face after every kiss, making sure you were still with him. Of course you were. The nightgown had already ridden up. He pushed it further, planted his head between your legs, and kissed you through the cotton of your underwear—softly, then harder. His mouth drew a long sigh out of you as the tension inside you swelled.

His fingers hooked into the hem of your panties and he slowly dragged them down. He covered your warmth with his mouth before you could feel the cool air. The underside of his tongue licked down your dripping seam as his fingers on your thighs continued pulling your panties down.

His head broke away to finish taking them off, and he breathed, “you’re my favorite taste in the world, baby.”

His mouth returned between your legs, and he devoured you just like before. Licking, sucking, flicking his tongue, moaning into you. When he began to fuck you with his tongue, your need to be filled by his cock only strengthened and demanded attention. You said, “Get me ready.”

“Hmm?”

“Ready for you. . .You said my body has to be ready, too.”

He dabbed the corner of his mouth with his wrist, and you could almost see his smile in the dark. “That what ya want?” His hair was out of place already, which made you want him even more.

“Yeah,” you whispered.

“That’s what we’ll do.”

—-

He started while he was still between your legs. He inserted a finger and kept kissing your clit while you sighed. He pulled his head away and flattened his fingers. He gently rubbed you as he crawled back up the bed and stopped with his face near yours. His face hovered an inch from yours as he rubbed your desperate, slippery, beautiful mess. He stroked you just right, then pushed his finger back into you, his lungs audibly sucking in a long, deep breath.

Your head tilted up and your mouth fell open. He pushed the finger to the hilt and an obscene moan fell out of your mouth.

“Oh baby, you sound so beautiful.” He began to move his hips against your thigh. “This okay? Or you want me to take it away.”

“No, no, don’t take it away.”

He exhaled half a laugh and slowly pumped his thick finger, staying mostly inside you, curling against your front wall. “How’s it feel?”

“Really good,” you whispered. “Gimme another like last time.”

His cock twitched against you and he kissed you as he slowly pushed another finger in. He moved them in and out and his hand hugged your mound as he did it. Your hips lifted into his hand and you broke the kiss with a sigh that became a whimper. He groaned softly at your desperation and kept rutting against your thigh, fucking you slowly with his fingers. After following a steady rhythm for a while, he clamped his palm down on your mound, adding friction to your clit as he worked his hand. He began to bring his fingers out a little more to slicken your clit again. You throbbed and moaned and could hardly stand it.

“Joel,” you sighed, and struggled to find words. You sputtered out, “I —Joel, I just — I want–ugh–want you, so bad.”

His voice was low and soothing. “Ohhhh, I know it darlin’,” he commiserated. He planted a kiss on your neck as he continued the push of his fingers inside you and his cock against you. “You’ll have me, baby,” he murmured huskily. “We’ll have each other.” He worked his fingers and grinded his cock against you in opposite beats of the same rhythm.

“Another one,” you whispered.

“It’s too much, baby.”

“It’s not,” you whined.

“Let’s add one of yours.” He removed his fingers almost entirely and lifted his palm up to make room for your hand under his. “C’mon.” You nestled your hand under his and carefully added your middle finger. You slid your finger in against your front wall, nestled in a triangle with his two fingers as he pushed inside again. You couldn’t reach very far, but it was enough to feel the stretch. His hand engulfed yours and controlled the rhythm. It was a different feeling, touching yourself with your finger nestled under his. You enjoyed the stretch and his hand engulfing yours, but you could only imagine how much better the smooth tip of his cock would feel.

Moving your finger with his, Joel asked, “Feel good?”

“Yours feel better.”

He lifted his palm and you removed your hand. He kissed you as he began pistoning his fingers deeper and harder. He swirled and scissored them as though making room inside you.

“Joel,” you sighed and your spine curved, jutting your breasts into the air. Your nipple fell out of your nightgown and his mouth was on it right away.

He kissed your breast, moaning into your nipple. Then he kissed your chest, then your neck. “God damn, baby,” he murmured hoarsely.

“Just one more,” you begged.

He grunted with a strong thrust against your hip. “Ahh—Might be too much.”

He paused his rhythm and slowly added his ring finger. So slow it was torture.

“No, don’t stop,” you whined. “Just give it to me.”

He gave it to you, grouping his fingers as close as he could together. The stretch burned by the time he was half in, but you asked for more. You winced at the burn and he took the finger back out.

“I’m okay, it felt good,” you reassured him, but he went back to fucking you harder with two fingers instead, and that felt even better since he didn’t hold back. The burn quickly faded, drowned out by a throbbing tingle that consumed your whole torso, and spread to your thighs, down your legs, making your knees weak.

Before long, you were writhing under him. He sucked your breast again and you moaned his name. He sucked your neck, then whispered into it, “You’ll be a beautiful bride.” Your breath hitched and your eyes widened at his words, but you didn’t want him to stop. He continued, “You want that, right?”

You nodded and heard yourself whisper, “yes.”

Joel sighed and brought his lips back to yours. He pressed his hand into your clit as he worked his fingers to bring you over the edge. “Yeah,” he breathed. Your body jerked and you moaned. His hand hugged your cunt as you came. “Ohhh, gooood giirrrl.” He kissed one half of your mouth as your climax continued. His breath was hot against your cheek. “Love feelin’ ya like this.”

—------

The rain had slowed even more, and the thunder was fading. Joel used his wet hand to pull his stiff manhood out of his boxers with a quiet groan. You reached down to feel it and he shivered at your touch.. The tip was shiny with precum, smeared from rutting against you through his boxers. He must have been aching as bad as you were. You took your hand away, opting to wait and see what he had in mind.

“I don’t have to do this here,” Joel said, his voice weak with need. Then he added in good humor, “But it does need doin’,” and those words landed between your legs.

Your lips parted and you took a deep breath, your eyelids heavy from your orgasm. “Do it here.”

Joel gathered more slick from between your thighs, and the contact gave you an aftershock. He stroked himself and breathed heavily. He rested with his hip and forearm on the bed, and you turned onto your side to face him.

He got closer, right up against you with just enough room to stroke himself. You listened to the wet slide of his hand around his shaft, his breathing, his soft grunts. It occurred to you this was something he did regularly, and now you could imagine it so vividly. The idea of Joel thinking about you and getting himself off was almost too hot to bear. You draped your top leg over him.

He fisted himself and kissed your shoulder. He nosed your nipple, then dragged it up until his face lifted off your chest. He grunted softly as he pumped himself and pressed his nose, then his mouth, into your neck. He was farther down than you on the bed, and the head of his cock was so close to where you ached for it, you could feel the heat radiating as he stroked himself. Then it grazed you, sending a zap of energy through your loins.

“I swear I'm ready,” you whispered.

His voice became shaky. “God damn, I wanna pack you full of this.” He grunted with hastening strokes. “That’s what it’s for, baby.” He bowed his head, and his disheveled hair grazed your cheek. He brought his face up again and kissed you on the lips. “Gonna be all yours,” he murmured hoarsely into your cheek, then added, “and you’re all mine."

"I'm all yours."

"Oh, God," he shuddered as he rolled onto his back. "Baby, I—Ohhh," He exhaled loudly and his body jerked as he came onto himself, sighing "ohhh God, baby." He caught his breath and laid there in silence with you. You rolled onto your back again. He sat up and took the soiled t-shirt off, then laid on his side facing you and rested a heavy hand on your chest.

–

With your blood finally flowing back to your brain, you considered what Joel asked and what you said. Yes, you wanted to be his beautiful bride. On some level, it occurred to you that yes was perhaps the only answer, but did that matter if it was your heart’s desire, too?

You asked, “You think we’re meant to be together?”

“Oh, peaches,” he sighed. “I’m sure of it.” He kissed you and stroked your cheek, then held you tighter. “You’re my world, and there is nothin’ I wouldn’t do to be with you.” He rolled you toward him, nestling your head under his chin, and held you until you fell back asleep.

—------------------

When you woke up in the morning, Joel was freshly showered and standing next to the bed, buttoning a flannel shirt as he watched you sleep. When you yawned, his eyes brightened.

“Why don’t I always sleep here?” you asked sleepily.

He laughed silently to himself with a side-eye at the floor. “Don’t trust myself, darlin’.”

Your face burned at the implication and you shyly hid half your face. His smile faded as he looked at you, then he added hoarsely, “God, if you knew how many times I’d thought about you.” There wasn’t so much as a hint of shame in his voice. It had the warmth in your cheeks traveling down, down, down. . . “We’re almost there, baby, but we gotta do it right. We’re almost there, I promise.” He reached into his pants to tuck in his shirt and adjusted himself while he was there. Your eyes fixated on the bulge in his jeans. “God damn,” he exhaled. “Turns me on thinkin’ about it.”

He lightly rubbed his bulge in just one stroke and adjusted himself again from outside the jeans. It didn’t seem like he was trying to start anything, but he got on the bed and hunger spread across his face as he reached you. He kissed you needily and tore the sheets off you. You let him in between your legs and wrapped them loosely around his thighs, your feet resting near his knees. He pulled down your nightgown and sucked your nipple, inhaling deeply through his nose. Then he sucked his neck, and your clit throbbed against the friction of his jeans. He hardened against you and kept on for a minute, not escalating things further. Then he tore himself away with a groan.

—-

“Wish I could stay here all day and just do this,” he lamented as he got off you to sit on the edge of the bed. “But I gotta go to the QZ.”

You protested, “What for?”

“Somethin’ I gotta do every month, as long as the radio says so.”

“Can I come?”

He shook his head. “Too dangerous.” You expected as much.

“You really have to go?”

He sighed. “Yeah, darlin’.”

“You’re leaving me alone?”

“Your parents left you here for a reason, ‘member? Cause it ain’t safe out there. You think they want me takin’ you there anyway?”

“I know. But you said it isn’t safe here either.”

“It’s safe-er here.”

“Just don’t go,” you whined.

“If I don't, they're gonna know somethin's wrong, baby.”

“I don’t-.”

“--nothin’s wrong, but they're gonna think somethin's wrong.”

“Something is wrong,” you reminded him. “Abe’s missing.”

“He–Abe–darlin’.” Joel sighed, shook his head, and abandoned the topic. He looked down and rubbed his temples with his middle finger and thumb. “I’m sorry, peaches. I gotta go, and I can’t take ya with me.”

“Will you check on Frank at the Army hospital?”

Joel hesitated, then said, “Sure, baby.”

“Are you going to Tommy’s? Bill’s staying there, right?”

“I’m gonna try, darlin’. Don’t wanna leave ya for too long, though.”

—----

While Joel made you breakfast, you went upstairs to change. You also sat down at the vanity and used the stationary to write a short note to Bill and Frank.

Love you and miss you so much, but Joel is taking good care of me.

Joel read it. “This is real sweet, peaches. But do you want’em thinkin’ I’m takin’ care of ya? Thought you wanted to show you could do it.” He made a good point. You went upstairs, started over.

I love and miss you both so much. Frank, Please get well soon.

When you gave it to Joel, he folded it up and put it in his pocket. He told you to stay inside, and reminded you not to open the door for anyone but him. He would be back in a few hours.

—----------------------

After Joel left, you lay around for a while thinking about him and your life together. You went to the kitchen and were about to idly open the pantry, when the counter beside it seemed to move, catching your eye. There was a trail of ants leading to the apple blossom in the jar. You stepped back. The blossom that had looked so nice the night before was yellowed and crawling with them. It was like time was moving in slow motion. You left the scene as it was. You grabbed a shiny apple from the basket on the opposite counter and went to the sofa to read. You couldn’t wait for Joel to get home and tell you how Frank was doing. The minutes crawled by, and you tried to immerse yourself in the story to pass the time.

Only a few pages into your book, you were about to bite into your apple when you heard squawking outside. You set down the book and went to look out the kitchen window. You couldn’t see where the noise was coming from. As you looked out into the orchard, you were startled by a tickle on your arm and flicked off an ant with a gasp. You hadn’t so much as touched the counter–it felt unfair. The squawking continued, and you were going stir crazy wanting to go out and see what all the fuss was about.

Less than an hour after Joel left, you decided to break his rule. You knew he was protecting you, but it also didn’t seem fair to expect you to stay cooped up inside all on your own. He could have taken you with him. You knew he could have protected you from any harm that found you. You looked around and couldn’t find your shoes. Not in your room, not by the front or back door, not in the living room. You wouldn’t let that stop you.

You went outside barefoot, careful to look in front of your feet so you wouldn’t step on anything dangerous. The sky was gray and dim and the cool air was refreshing even with its humidity. Branches were scattered everywhere from the wind of the storm. The ground beneath the peach trees was carpeted with yellow leaves sticking wetly to each other. One third of a peach tree was hanging by a thread off its trunk, the tips of the branches scraping the ground with every breeze. It could have snapped off at any moment, while the rest of the tree stood proud like it didn’t know.

You followed the squawking and found an apple tree full of crows. When you approached, they swarmed into the sky, forming a cloud before settling together on another tree. With nothing better to do, you followed them. The second tree was near yours and Joel’s. They flew toward the back of the orchard and you didn’t follow. You shuffled around your tree, looking on every branch for a fresh apple blossom. On the ground, there were layers of leaves and lots of fallen apples. You were moving your feet slowly and carefully, and your toes caught on something inorganic. Something rigid, fabric. You lifted your foot and when the bill of a hat emerged, you reflexively kicked it away as if it were alive or worse. As if you could simply kick away the pit in your gut. Your stomach turned as you looked at your Red Sox cap on the ground.

The crows squawked and squawked, and your heart pounded. You looked around the orchard as if something might be closing in on you. The trees seemed to get closer, the sky seemed to darken. Your thoughts kept repeating, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to be with you. Nothing. Nothing in the world, peaches. You refused to articulate the gut feeling into a thought. You wouldn’t dignify it. You took a deep breath and grounded yourself, focusing on the feeling of the wet leaves stuck to your ankles.

You covered the baseball cap with leaves again, burying the feeling as best you could, and rushed back toward the house. On your way back, you stepped on a broken twig. When you got inside, you saw it was bleeding.

You cleaned up your foot, then it occurred to you to check the living room closet. You opened the closet door, and the other cap—Jesse’s cap—was still there, exactly where you saw it. To your relief, you also found your shoes neatly laid on the closet floor alongside some loafers and boots. You left them untouched.

You settled in with your book again, hoping to distract yourself. You bit into the apple. Your teeth sliced right through the skin and sank into soft, mealy flesh that almost making you gag. You tossed it outside into the leaves because you didn’t want any more ants, then you locked the door behind you. You sat back down on the sofa and didn’t even try to pick up the book again. You resigned yourself to facing your thoughts.

You explored the worst case scenario of what Joel might have done to be with you. You concluded it was silly to think you had been that important to a man you hardly knew. It was narcissistic, you told yourself, to think he loved you that much. That he would really do anything, just to hold you in his arms. It was the fabric of fairy tales, and it was grotesque. Especially because it didn’t disgust you. It gave you butterflies, and not just the nervous kind.

—-------

As soon as you heard Joel’s truck pull into the driveway, your mind returned to Frank. You had a few seconds before Joel came in, and in that time you realized you should greet Joel before asking about anyone else. You didn’t want to be rude. When the door opened, you got up and kissed Joel and told him you missed him. On your way back to the sofa, you noticed a spot of blood from your foot on the flooring and hoped Joel wouldn’t see it.

You sat down on the couch and asked him how Frank was. Joel’s face was solemn as he took a seat next to you and put his hand on your knee. Your chest tightened at this gesture and the next few seconds felt like an hour until Joel spoke.

"He's doin' better, baby."

You broke down in tears of relief. You would have cried no matter what. Whether Frank was better, worse, or even if Joel didn’t see him, there would’ve been tears of happiness, sadness, or fear. Joel took you in his arms and you buried your tears in his neck.

“So they think he’s gonna recover?” you asked.

“Think so.” Joel looked at you, concerned.

“What do they think it is?”

“They’re not sure, darlin’. S’pose it could be an allergy, or environmental. So it’s a good thing you’re here with me.”

“Did you give’em my letter?”

“Yeah.” Joel leaned forward, lifted himself for a moment, and reached into his back pocket. He handed you your letter and you unfolded it so quickly it almost ripped. Joel slowly rubbed your back as you looked at the piece of paper and tried to steady your hands.

There was a note in Frank’s handwriting:

We love you so much. Protect yourself.

----------------------

Thank you all so much for reading and engaging with my unhinged story. Y'all are truly the best. 💙

I challenged myself to do the smut scene with little if any visual description, hope it worked out okay.

I do not expect the next chapter to be nearly as long.

There are more virgins on my joel master list, and you can follow @toxicfics and turn on notifications for fic alerts.

All Joel:@ethanhoewke @silkiers @eiviea @evyiione @xdaddysprincessxx @queerly-anxious @chernayawidow @ambassadortotrilliusprime @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @jasminespringtime @romanarose @fandomsfallnomore @djarinxore @blackvelveteen1339 @manazo @wolvesandvampires @taeslarityy @str84pedro @lokanda @kyloispunk @filthfairy @fieryglutenfreechickennoodles @harriedandharassed @moonlightdivine @worhols @fan-fiction-floozy @cutesyscreenname @weddingfairy @pedropascal-whore @spideysimpossiblegirl @feministfanboi @gracieispunk @prettypartyfavor @am-3-thyst @babeincolor @milla-frenchy @switchbladedreamz @within-the-depths @am-3-thyst @may-machin @pedromania91 @sloanexx @paleidiot

The Lincoln tag list will be on the toxicfics reblog 💙

#joel miller x reader #joel miller fic #dark!joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #dbf!joel miller #toxicanonymity ☠️#lincoln!joel☠️#tw manipulation #joel miller smut #the last of us #the last of us smut #content label #cw age gap

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glisten-inthedark · 2 months ago

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Ok, ok!

Someone here said that they should add Everybody Wants to Rule the World to the soundtrack and I went to listen and I present you: the pitch for the trailer based on their suggestion. I honestly don't remember their header, but if you know who it is let me know and I'll give them the credit.

The Lord version of the songs starts playing around the:

There's a room where the light won't find you

In comes a shot of Mike in the dark with Will, maybe in the UD and the lights start flickering.

Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down

A zoom in shot of two people holding hands. (Implying it's Byler)

When they do, I'll be right behind you.

A shot of Mike following Will into the UD. Maybe Will gets dragged or something and comes in Mike behind him.

So glad we've almost made

Maybe something with El solo facing off Vecna

A flashback to Eddie's death

So sad they had to fade it

An image of Max in a coma. Maybe El and Mike breaking up?

Everybody wants to rule the rule the world

Vecna appears, we see everything in red in their world and the last thing we hear is: Will... Join me and I can give you all that you want.

It sounds way cooler in my head but I have a vision ok?! If the Duffers want to hire they can always DM me just an FYI.

#byler #will byers #mike wheeler #byler proof #byler endgame

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yourhighness6 · 9 months ago

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NATLA Episode 1 Debrief (by yours truly)

Hello my lovlies! There are so many opinions swirling around right now in the fandom and I wanted to give my own opinions a quick (this is not going to be quick but whatever) post of their own. I'm probably going to do this with all of the episodes, just an fyi

First of all, Sozin can fuck all the way off. I don't think I really have to explain that one but goddammit they really made me hate him (and I love to hate the villain)

I LOVE the detail of seeing the flames reflected in his eyes whenever he kills someone, as a symbol of fire's natural brutality consuming him from within. Kudos to whoever added that detail because it is absolutely perfect. I look forward to seeing more of this monster in future flashbacks.

The firebending itself was absolutely brutal. Watching the cartoon, you don't really think about how painful and horrific being burned alive is, and the live action explored that element in a way the previous show could not.

I know this is controversial, but actually really like how they devoted a good ten minutes to establishing some background with the Air Nomads before we dove in. In my opinion, it gave more depth to the Air Nomads besides just what we see through Aang's eyes, which I think helps the viewer connect with him more and sympathize in ways the cartoon didn't. One detail from this part that was absolutely heartbreaking was the Comet Festival.

Something about the way a time of joy was turned into a time of pain and misery was absolutely awful (this was the first time I cried [I cried three times]). The fact that all of the Air Nomads were in one place kind of filled in why there was no evidence of the FN ever having been to the Western Air Temple in s3 of the cartoon. It also adds another layer of awfulness to the whole thing. I can't really put into words why I feel that way, it's just a sort of vibe.

I also liked the way they established Aang's character flaws right off the bat:

The episode was named after him, so it only makes sense to show all aspects of his character almost immediately. This also gives me hope that they might address these flaws later a little more than the cartoon did.

Super glad they included a female Airbender on the counsel (or whatever that was). She was also fighting later and she looked super badass.

Now, onto the Water Tribe.

I can't express how glad I am that they included both boys and girls in Sokka's little warrior pack. People have talked about this before, but the gender roles in the SWT didn't make a lot of sense. Perfect little detail to fill a plot hole.

I am also over the moon that they decided to expand on the differences between the Water Tribe sibling's outlooks on the world. Katara was raised as both a beacon of hope and a liability, whereas Sokka was raised as a warrior and a protector. It gives insight into their characters and also symbolizes the way the war shaped them. The pressure within a society to adapt to the times even as traditional values are abandoned and culture is devastated is something that the original show laid the groundwork for, so I really hope we see the live action build on it further. There's also this:

Gives the perfect insight into the ways their parents leaving affected them both differently and expands on their different mindsets. 10/10 for the sibling dynamic.

I'm not sure if I liked the changes to this scene. Katara was characterized pretty well, in my opinion, and it does make sense with the "toning down" of Sokka's sexism that she didn't explode on him, but it's still an iconic moment I would have liked to see translated to the live action. I also found the fact that Appa wasn't included at all just plain weird. He should have been there, and even if he was established differently later, again, I'm not sure I liked the way Aang was introduced to the siblings. (At least they didn't include any romantic Kat@ang moments. Platonic besties for the win)

Zuko's introduction was just kind of... there, in my opinion, but I did love the detail of the icons on the shelf glowing. There were several homages made to Zuko's search for the avatar that I really appreciated, from the early establishment of his antagonism towards Lieutenant Jee to his pages of research, which I really appreciated. There were also several moments that implied that Zuko had a more spiritual journey throughout his banishment to find the avatar, which was partially a little bit of worldbuilding and partially a play into the idea that he will legitimately try everything possible to find the avatar that was another nice detail. Sadly, Dallas didn't really make a huge impression on me. This might be because of lack of screentime or the fact that this is THE Zuko, but I was kind of expecting more. Still, I don't think it was an irredeemable portrayal by any means, and I look forward to seeing more.

This is sort of random, but I just need to say that I'm glad they included more evidence of Katara's PTSD. It was already pretty established in the cartoon that she did have PTSD, but the live action allows exploration of that in a more mature way, which I appreciate. It made the kat@ang conversation hit that much harder, and gives more depth to Katara's character.

The fight at the gates was also just perfect. Zuko acting on impulse out of a need to prove himself:

Katara's speech and Sokka's change of heart:

And this line:

Sokka kind of fell flat to me a bit in this episode, and I feel like Katara was the MVP in all of their interactions, but I loved this line. I just have a feeling he really needed to hear this.

There's also this moment that I thought was really significant where it looked like Zuko was actually going to kill Sokka:

My heart legit stopped at this part. Like, I knew it made no logical sense for it to happen, but I still got scared for a moment. I know it was just another one of those moments to show how Zuko's anger gets the best of him, ect, ect. but this was overkill. I don't think they took it too far by any means, but it was still just so unexpected.

I also noticed they removed the zukka parallel of the two of them getting ready for battle at the same time, which I really disliked. It plays more into the warrior mindset for the both of them, and even though we had that established in other ways, I would have still liked to see it.

Aang's sacrifice is the same, but I appreciated his little conversation with Iroh. When Iroh showed up, I half expected him to just let Aang go, but I guess that wouldn't really be in character for season 1 Iroh. Either way, that was some good stuff.

The framing also sort of reminds me of the season 3 conversation between Zuko and Iroh when Iroh is in prison back in the FN. Both shots give the impression that it is not actually the one behind bars who is in prison. This makes me think that they might give Iroh more of an arc in season 1, which I would kind of like to see, but at the same time, I'm not sure about. I think it was important in the cartoon that Iroh had already completed his journey and was doing his best to guide Zuko through a similar one.

I am disappointed that they removed the fight scene between Zuko and Aang inside the ship, but there was another huge moment this allowed for that I REALLY LOVED:

I LOVE that they let Katara have her hero moment I LOVE that they let her discover her bending a bit more in this episode I LOVE that Aang helped her I LOVE IT ALL. Katara gaining more confidence in her abilities is the season 1 Katara arc I want to see and they legit made me fangirl over this moment so much I squealed. There's also something about her blocking a fire blast from Zuko after being powerless to stop him from killing/seriously hurting her brother in the earlier fight that's just... chefs kiss. (also maybe establishing that ZK yin and yang concept early... I'm reading way too much into this but the way Katara's arms are positioned kind of looks like the yin symbol a little bit...)

And finally, we have the air temple scene. The whole thing was so incredibly sad, and I actually didn't mind that it was part of the first episode. It makes everything go full circle, in my opinion.

I also thought that Gyatso's voice instead of Katara's being the one to calm Aang down was a really good choice. Aang coming to terms with his death should be about his memories with his past mentor, not about Katara comforting him. I loved the hug though. Perfectly devastating:

Also, the last parallel at the end was just SO perfect:

Something about how tradgedies in their lives forced them both to become dedicated and adapt to a new world beyond their control. Aang and Zuko parallels always wonderful.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I would give this episode an 8.5/10. Not perfect, but definitely not bad. It surpassed my expectations and I'm so excited to see more!

#thank you for sticking with me to the end #I know this was long but I wanted to put all my thoughts in one place #natla #atla #avatar the last airbender #atla live action #aang #zuko #katara #sokka #iroh #just a pinch of zutara and some platonic KA #meta #ish #atla meta #natla debrief #emmie babbles

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kimtaesss · 2 years ago

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Summary: your ex boyfriend from 2 years ago has returned. Despite wanting to avoid him at all cost it’s impossible when you both share the same friend group. To make things worse, he has come back with a girlfriend.

Pairing: Taehyung x reader ; Yoongi x reader

Genre: angst, fluff, exes to (?), exes au

Warnings: starting with a flashback (again 😭); honestly this chapter is mostly flashbacks of how their relationship was before; y/n being a simp for Taehyung and Taehyung only; y/n is just a sad bitch tbh; a bit of Jimin’s and Yoongi’s perspective and yeah! Oh! Just a little fyi some phrase are repetitive cause they kind of share the same brain 🙄. Mini reunion between Taehyung and y/n at the end of the chapter ( but not really). Next chapter you’ll see the reunion of y/n and Taehyung!

Authors note: honestly I’m not really satisfied but I am? Let me know if I should rewrite this chapter tbh 😭 Also its 6 in the morning so if there’s some typos let’s just ignore that. I’m pretty sure I got them all though so fingers crossed.

Chapters: m.list | 01 | 02 | …..

"I-I don't think I can make it across" You yell as you pay attention to the ground. You're too scared to pay attention to anything else, even the voice of your boyfriend.

You've always been a homebody, you hated being outside, and being adventurous. Well, you didn't have that growing up, so you guess that added onto your lack of courage. And maybe deep down you wanted to try new things, but again, you had no one to share that with.

But Taehyung, your boyfriend, is trying to stop that cycle. He wants you explore the world, and not just with anyone, with him.

"It's okay! I got you" Taehyung yells back but with a more soft tone. He wants you to feel comfortable enough to take a risk. But he also needed you to hear him. He wants to make sure you know that he's got you, no matter what.

"No! You just- you go ahead and have fun. I can just stay back and wait for you" You move your hands all over the place, almost like you're shaking off water. And that was a dumb mistake, as you clumsily began to lose control.

You were standing on top of a rock, and you're not exactly the lightest human being. You're also not very coordinated, so you tend to fall a lot. But Taehyung still managed to convince you to do this, you're still not even sure what this is.

You trust Taehyung. Just as much as you love him. So, you didn't think you'd be feeling scared to the point where you feel dizzy. But here you are, feeling exactly that.

He never did respond to you. Technically, you did tell him to leave so you shouldn't feel mad or disappointed. But, you guess deep down you wanted him to fight for you.

Yup! You're being dramatic again. You definitely need to grow the fuck up.

"Ahhh" you scream as you kick your legs, and move your arms like some crazy person. You felt arms on your waist, and you could have sworn that you were about to get kidnap.

That was until you heard that deep voice, with an adorable laugh. Immediately you felt as ease. He didn't leave you. He didn't.

"You came back!"

"I never left. I'd never leave you"

Those words. It made you feel seen. It made you feel important. You almost wanted to cry, knowing that you have someone who is willing to put with you. It sounds silly, and you know it. But sometimes it's nice to know you're needed or wanted.

That day ended up with you both falling into the water. Well, actually Taehyung pushed you to fall on your own, but you dragged him down with you.

"I'm so going to be sick tomorrow" you laugh as you continue to splash water and throw some towards Taehyung.

"It's okay! That just means that I can cuddle you all night, and never leave your side"

"Gosh. You're so clingy sometimes" You say, even though you love when he acts clingy. It just means he’s not tired of you yet.

He laughs and carries the biggest smile you've ever seen on anyone. The way his eyes were shining, and staring directly at yours. Your heart beat kept rising, you could literally feel your heart beat out your chest. You were head over heels for Taehyung. You were happy knowing that you had found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

"I am. I really am"

You continued to stay in the water for hours, just laughing and playing silly little games. He had brought back the happiness you were so desperately were trying to find.

You were beginning to realize how life is so beautiful when you share it with someone.

Who knew dreams can turn into nightmares?

"Hey, y/n. It's me Taehyung"

Did you hear that correctly? Was your ex-boyfriend really on the phone? It didn't make sense, like at all. Still in shock, the phone slid down your hands, and fell onto the ground. You were in complete shock. This was most definitely not something you had planned happening. You're almost one hundred percent sure, that Taehyung also didn't have this planned.

"Hello? Y/n?!"

Taehyung tried to yell loud enough for you to hear him. He knew that the phone had slipped out of your hands, well because you were quite predictable when it came to reactions. But the yelling couldn't knock you back to your senses. Maybe it was the fact that this did not feel real, this felt more like a dream.

However, it was a dream you wanted to wake out of. This wasn't what you wanted nor needed right now. You were about to go outside and have your friends either hype you up, or maybe make some dumb comment that made you laugh. Either way, you'd take it. But now things took a drastic turn. Your hear a knock on the door, and shivers ran down your back. Immediately, you regained yourself, well sort of. You technically were now more aware of your surroundings, but your mind still felt foggy, and shaky.

"Are you going to show us the dress or not?! I can't promise I'll be nice, but I promise to tell you the truth!" The whine in his voice, yup! It's Jimin. Even though, you technically regained your senses, your mouth felt like it was glued shut. You couldn't let a single word slip out of your mouth.

"Okay! You leave me no choice but to come in there and see you butt naked! Is that what you want?"

Still no reply from you. You were once again in a frozen state, and all the effort to escape this mess was undone. You hear a loud noise, and you instantly knew that Jimin was in fact trying to break in. He didn't know about your current situation, but why was the idea of having him in the room with you making you more nervous? Is it because things could end horrible, and the whole birthday dinner would be ruined or... could it be something else? You just didn't know.

"Dude..what are you doing?" A new voice appeared and you could really differentiate who was who. Your mind was still stuck on the voice that you heard a couple of minutes ago. His beautiful deep voice, you missed it. You missed him.

"Trying to open the door. Duh?" Jimin was questioning Yoongi, rather than actually making a comment. He had that sarcastic tone, like he was answering a dumb child.

Usually you'd laugh to that. Or at least crack a small smile, but it seems like the things that are suppose to make you happy, only make you more sad.

"Why don't you just use the key?" Yoongi spewed back. He was also carrying that sarcasm with him. You just knew they were going to argue about this for days. These two, as much as they loved each-other, they are too petty at times.

At times it feels like Yoongi and Jimin are the exact same person. The only difference was, Jimin had no boundaries and Yoongi at least attempts to be respectful. Although he also has his few bad moments, and ideas.

"There's a key?" A smack was heard and that again brought you closer to your senses but not completely. Why did he say your name like that? And why couldn't you stop thinking about it? You wanted to do nothing but cry. For days, weeks, months or fuck it, years. You wanted to release the very few emotions you've tried to hold back.

"Y/n! Please help! Yoongi just hit me in the back of the head" Jimin continued to plead for your help.

"Yeah, well maybe stop being a dumbass and you won't be smacked" Yoongi's hot breathe, and extreme close proximity to Jimin's ear, lead to Jimin's outburst.

"Snitch" Jimin attempted, again, the key word was attempted to whisper. But if you heard it and there was a door in between you. Then, Yoongi was already planning Jimin's funeral.

You know. You know you're being ridiculous. You're 23 years old, and you're locked up in your room, crying for an ex boyfriend. And it hits you even more knowing that Taehyung hasn't cried for you, or had break downs while he was working like you.

You know that no matter how you're feeling, Taehyung was happy. He beat you. It's not like it was ever a competition, but you know that feeling when you see your ex boyfriend move on, and he seems to be doing better in life than you? It's almost like you were never needed, and instead you were setting him back.

You make yourself believe that you were the problem, even if you weren't. Of course, you had your moments, but who knows. Maybe, you're making yourself a saint, and were actually the reason behind the break up.

God. Some days, you just want to climb onto the highest mountains and just jump right off them. You doubt the pain would ever amount to the one you're currently feeling.

No. You need to get your shit together, and snap out of it. He has moved on, so it shouldn't be hard for you to do the same. But it's just a bit harder when you weren't the one who gave up, the distance never took away the love you had for him. It only increased it.

No. You shake your head, as you try to shake off those thoughts that keep haunting you. It's time to focus on your present self, and the dress that is attempting to cover your flaws. As it turns out the first time you "figured it out" , you had your dress inside out. Luckily there was no one with you, because that was truly just a brain fart moment.

"I-I'm going. I just need to figure out the straps" your voice was a little too squeaky. It was making your entire body cringe. And you hate it. You hate that your voice was tiny; you hate that you're acting like a child when they don't get what they want.

Even when you attempt to fix the straps on the dress, you're moving like a sloth. But you manage to do it, and you couldn't be more sad. It's just... it's too hard for you to act like everything was fine.

See, Taehyung was your go to person. He was the first person that made you feel comfortable in your body. He was the first person who would go out of his way, and drop you off food at work. He was the first person who could read your mind. He knew you. He exposed you to things you've always wanted but never had the guts to try on your own.

And trying on a dress was one of them. You never enjoyed putting on tight clothes. Not unless you were around Taehyung. It's not like you depended on him for a lot of things, and you probably sound like some desperate women who always need a man’s approval. And you don't and aren't.

But Taehyung let you take your time, and never pushed you to do or be someone you aren't. He would always reassure you, take pictures of you, and made sure you are able to appreciate yourself in them.

"Bitch you're slow as fuck! Hurry up!" Jimin's throwing a tantrum again. You hear the stomping and the knocking on the door, and it managed to crack a little smile on your face.

You walked towards the door, not even caring to take a look in the mirror again. Of course, you were afraid of breaking down, because let's face it you were an insecure person. It hit you even more, knowing that Taehyung was going to see you in this very dress.

Your hand grabs the door knob and twists it a little before you actually open the door. You take a deep breathe before you eventually open the door, and let your two stupid friends walk in.

The looks on their faces, made you feel some type of way. You weren't sure if you should be more insecure or if you should be over the moon. It definitely made you more self aware.

"Is it that bad? Or do I look bad?" You're roaming your hands all over your body, almost like you're fixing it up. Even though it's clearly ironed and nothing needs to be adjusted. You're just a nervous mess right now. They're too quiet.

"Oh. My. God. Let's fuck!" Jimin said that with no hesitation. It made you choke the very air, you depended on to live. Your throat was becoming dry, as you continue to cough.

"That's- I was not excepting that comment." You're not sure if you should take that compliment too serious. Well, you know that you and Jimin will never fuck. He just likes to play a lot. But still, you guess you meant if you were even attractive enough to do you know…that.

"Dude! You are so going to make Taehyung's girl jealous" Jimin let's just about anything slip out of his mouth. He even allowed Yoongi to punch him. Not that Yoongi ever needed permission, but he sure did not put up a fight.

"Do you ever just think before you speak? This isn't about Taehyung or his girl. This is about y/n! Which by the way, you look... gorgeous."

"Thanks Yoongi. It really means a lot" You sway your body, as you took in that compliment. Yoongi does compliment you, but it's on rare occasions. And usually you have to ask him, but today, he took the initiative. So you guess, you guess you look decent.

"I'm sorry y/n. I know you are your own person. I just- I didn't think. You look amazing, really! I mean I'd marry you, you know... if I was into you."

Yoongi gives Jimin a "what the fuck" look. But you just end up snorting and laughing like a maniac. Now, they are both giving you a "what the fuck" look.

Now there's tears streaming down your face. You were sad, but those tears weren't sad tears. They were more like, you're grateful to have two friends, who despite being idiots. Are always supporting you, and making sure you feel somewhat comfortable.

"I'm so sorry! Did I make you cry?" Jimin's panic mode, looks like a mother losing a child in a store. It's just hilarious seeing him all stressed out and worried.

"Nice going, dick head" Yoongi says as he rolls his eyes. He was so over Jimin and his stupid comments. He really just wanted to slap tape on his mouth and hope that would shut him up.

"At least I get head"

But Jimin just continued.

"Oh gosh. I'm leaving this conversation" You continue snorting as you walk to the kitchen. You needed a drink or maybe some pills to calm the arising headache you're getting from being in their presence.

"Can you bring back wine, while you're at it" Jimin shouts, as if your apartment wasn't small and had thin walls. He holds a mischievous smile, and you are shivering from the very thought of it. Jimin when he's drunk, is not the best influence.

And you drunk? Well... you're definitely a follower.

You just hope you can wake up for work tomorrow. Or you guess today. You needed a distraction before the stupid birthday dinner. Well, it's not actually stupid. Taehyung is.

Taehyung. How you wish you could turn back time.

Jimin ended up passing out after only one glass of wine. He probably had some earlier, he usually lasted longer than that. As for Yoongi? He was taking pictures of you, and attempting to guide you.

"I think it might be better if you... I don't know, put your leg forward? That's hot. Right?"

"I don't know" you shrug to emphasize your confusion. "You're supposed to tell me that" you laugh, as you see him constantly squint and attempt to find your angle. He is trying his best, and that's all you could ever really ask of him.

You continue to move around, or pose in a way, that doesn't look like you have back problems. Or shows just how poorly you can walk in heels, and apparently standing in heels is also a huge struggle for you.

You almost want to give up. In fact, you should. You know that keeping those photos in your camera roll, will be for no reason. You'll never have the courage to truly admire the details, without having something bad to say about them. And if by chance, you happen to look through your camera roll, you'll wake up with puffy eyes and stuffy nose.

"I mean... you look good" Yoongi hesitated for a while to make a comment, which lead him to stutter. You can see the instant regret and embarrassment all over his face. He even curses under his breathe, clearly ready to leave out the very door he snuck into earlier.

"Thanks" You simply reply, as a small smile plasters on your face. It felt forced but at the same time, you know you wanted to smile. He seemed... somewhat genuine about it. Still, his effort definitely lighten your mood.

"Anyway, I should...probably go" he points behind to Jimin and then the door. "He's drunk and I have work tomorrow. Or I guess today?" He freezes realizing how bad he fucked up. Yoongi takes a while to fall asleep, and now looking at the clock, he knows he'll end up showing up to work, without any sleep. He sighs as if had been holding his breathe in for a couple of hours. He's dreading leaving, knowing that he'll have to leave straight to work.

You understand that in so many ways. In fact, you're debating yourself if you should call out of work. It's not for any particular reason. Okay, you're lying again. It's the pain and shame in showing up in a place, that held so many memories.

Taehyung always felt like you're other half. Literally and figuratively. He was always with you, whether that be in mind or standing right beside you. He would always go with you to work and pick you up, just so you don't encounter some creep. Taehyung was half of your heart. He shared this bond with you, that at times it felt like you were seeing your exact reflection.

But when he left. In a way, he left with your heart and identity. You had no idea who you were without him. Maybe, that's why you decided to not reply back to him on the phone. You were unsure of how to respond to him, without remembering all those memories and words that were floating around your heart. You're afraid of admitting that the man you were talking to, or ignoring was not your Taehyung. It was just a different version of a man you used to or…still love.

God. How did you go from work to missing Taehyung? Your mind sure likes to play games with you. Yoongi is the one standing in front of you. Showing you just how much he cares. You should have the decency of keeping him in your thoughts rather than Taehyung, who is no where around.

"Thank you" You blurt out of nowhere. You kind of scared yourself, to be honest. You weren’t exactly sure where that came from.

Yoongi placed Jimin over his shoulders, grunting as he attempts to keep a good hold on him. But once he hears your voice again, knowing you were deep in thought, he turns around. Or attempts to have a better view of you, just as you of him.

"Don't. Thank Jimin, it was all his idea"

"I will. But I'm thanking you right now"

"Why?" Yoongi questions, clearly taken a back by your hard stance on thanking him.

"You made me forget about him. You made me think of me. I didn't think that was possible, even if it was just for a spilt second"

"You're an amazing person, you should think of yourself more often. Plus, it was you who made it possible"

"What?" You snort as you lean onto the wall behind you. "How? How did I make it possible?" You question him as if there was no possible answer to your question. Deep down you felt like there wasn't.

But he sure finds ways to surprise you. It made you feel all giddy inside, knowing that you still had someone who went above and beyond to make you feel like a little kid again. He made you feel... well, you're not sure if you can accurately describe it. But it sure felt nice.

"It's just easy to compliment and make someone feel special when they already are" he turns back around, as your eyebrows furrow. You were trying to take in his words, and the meaning behind them. It felt like he sprinkled your open wounds, with fairy dust. And the wounds were slowly closing.

He gives you one final look back. "Good night y/n"

"Good night" you whisper as the door slammed closed.

Instantly your body was sliding down the wall. As your brain was rebooting itself, and your tears were streaming down your face. You could feel everything and nothing all at once.

You're special? Like you?

Maybe just to him. Maybe he was just being a good friend, and managed to say the right words. Even when the right words felt wrong, especially the way it took your breathe away.

You stare in front of you. You stare at the broken glass that was left from earlier or yesterday. The glass that was holding up, the picture of you and your supposed soulmate.

And just like the glass, you were scattered on the floor. You were fragile enough to break with one sentence. You were broken enough to understand that no matter how much love and praise you get from others, you'd flip everything, and rain on your own parade. You loved yourself enough to hear those praises, but hated yourself to the point of turning those praises into pain.

Because if you were so damn special you wouldn't be in the place you were in. And he wouldn't be in the arms of someone else.

Even if he called you. Even if he contacted you first. You were always going to be his second option.

He managed to move on. without you.

"Jimin wake up" Yoongi rocks Jimin's lifeless body, well it felt that way anyways. Jimin was passed out. He's not even sure how he managed to do that, especially after only one damn drink.

"Mmm later" Jimin managed to slip out of his mouth, but it still sounded a bit slurred. Thankfully, Yoongi can speak hung over Jimin.

But just like Yoongi can understand Jimin, he knew the only way Jimin would wake up is if someone threw cold water to his face. Well, that or a slap. And because it was Jin's birthday dinner today, Jimin could not have any marks on his face.

Unfortunately.

After a couple of buckets of water thrown at Jimin's face, Jimin managed to wake up. A little bit too much for Yoongi's liking, seeing as Jimin can not shut up.

"I just know it's going to be super awkward, and I'm going to bust out laughing because of it. Like it's already weird enough that's Taehyung is going, but he had to bring some girl he just started dating. Like does he even think of y/n and her feelings like-"

"If you say like one more time, I'm going to strangle you to death" Yoongi interrupted as his head was starting to hurt from Jimin's constant blabbering. He knew that he had good intentions, but it's 10 in the morning, and honestly speaking, just the idea of seeing Taehyung is making him annoyed.

He's also a bit disappointed. He used to be close to Taehyung, but then he had to pull this little stunt.

He still remembers how Y/n had been knocking at his door at 3 in the morning. Her mascara was splattered all over her face. Her eyes were black, almost like she had been in a boxing match and lost, bad. The way her hair was sticking out, and clinging onto the corners of her face from her constant crying.

She looked so out of it. It hurt. It hurt to know that he couldn't protect her, even if he couldn't do anything to prevent her from feeling that heartache.

And the worst part was that Taehyung went mute when it came to explaining why he dumped her.

"Hello?! Are you even listening to me? God. I need a new fucking roommate, I'm amazing to talk to" Jimin didn't pay attention to Yoongi, and the way his face immediately changed.

"Sorry. What did you say?" Yoongi didn't even recognize himself. His tone, his voice. He felt and sounded so weak.

"Dude. Did you just apologize to me?" He points to himself as he stares behind him, in case he missed someone's presence.

This only annoyed Yoongi. He was always annoyed, and he hated it. For once, he wanted to feel okay. He wanted to stop this rage he carries with him. He wanted to feel nothing.

"Yeah? It's no big deal" His annoyance carried throughout his voice. He almost wanted to cry, because of how overwhelmed he felt.

How he hated emotions.

"It is if it's coming from you! You never apologize. Not even when you dropped food on my bed"

"I guess" Yoongi shrugs, as his eyes roll back. It was his way to disguise the tears that wanted to pounce out his eyes. Even that expression felt like too much, but it was just this strong feeling, that he couldn't describe it differently.

Why was he acting like this? He should just act tough, be the man he's suppose to be. Or whatever his father used to say.

"What's wrong?" Jimin questioned, after feeling that tension between him and Yoongi. He wanted nothing more than to hear Yoongi's truth. But he knew that won't happen any time soon or ever.

But he cared. He cared so much that it physically hurt him to see Yoongi like this. And he knew why, or at least deep down he had a feeling.

It was the same reason as his. He missed his old friend. He missed laughing at the same movie, because you guys could never agree on one, and resort to one you watched ages ago.

It was a comfort movie. It was. Until it wasn't.

"Nothing" he shrugs it off. "What's wrong with you?" Yoongi's throws back the question. But he could guess the answer that was going to slip out of Jimin's mouth. It would be the same as his.

"Nothing"

Knew it.

They both stayed quiet. They were used to this, the silence. It was different before, but that was a different time. It was a time where the trio were together, where the trio would do everything together.

See, when Taehyung left and dumped y/n, in a way he also dumped his friends. At least Jimin and Yoongi. They never got an explanation either, so the pain and anger y/n feels, they feel twice as much.

They knew him longer than y/n, but still he didn't act like he did.

And they try to hide it. They try to hide the fact that Taehyung broke their hearts too. Taehyung was their glue in a way. He was the one to convince Yoongi to be a bit more out there and enjoy life. And he helped Jimin understand when it's necessary to act like an adult.

He was the perfect person to put Jimin and Yoongi in their place. The only difference was they both didn't mind it. And when he left. It was difficult for them to help or guide the other one out.

"I missed him" Yoongi wanted to blurt out. He wanted to shout. Taehyung was like his little brother, and when he lost him because he did lose him. He just wasn't ever himself.

But he chose to stay quiet. As did Jimin.

They simply gave each-other a knowing look, as their eyes began to reflect their inner pain. One smile and they went their separate ways.

Sometimes it was better to leave than stay.

Maybe they had more common with Taehyung than they thought.

You woke up with the biggest headache and you knew it was a foreshadow for todays event.

You didn't want to get up. You didn't want to see him, even though you've been waiting for this exact moment since he left.

You even typed up a couple of messages to send to Taehyung before you eventually read them over and deleted them.

You wanted to know what he was going to say, and honestly speaking you would have sent them but you were afraid that it would be at a bad time. Or his girlfriend would see it and blame him or you for it.

You just didn't want to jeopardize Jin's birthday. And maybe you were afraid of the answer you'd get. Maybe it was a mix of both.

Sometimes you wonder if he's the same person.

Has anything changed? Well, apart from coming back and with a partner.

Has he dyed his hair the color he has always wanted? A lighter brown. Although the color sounds plain and quite common, Taehyung loved it. He said he found warmth in that color. He felt it every-time he would see that exact color in your eyes.

Has he been taking the writing courses he was saving up for? He used to walk around the streets holding your hand, showing you places, and making sure to bring a pen and notebook with him. He would bring you a pair as well. That way, you could write down what you saw, and your way of seeing the world compared to his. He wanted to learn a side of you, that only you can see. He wanted to make sure to learn and appreciate your vision.

Has he saved enough money for a car? You remember as you took bus rides to your dates, he would pick up pennies, nickels, dimes, and a couple of buttons because he couldn't see very well at night; and place them in his pocket. At first you were confused but then one day you asked him, and from that day forward, you both got to understand each-other in ways you never thought you could.

"Every-time I see a penny, nickel, or dimes on the ground, I have to pick them up. I know it sounds crazy, and I'm probably thinking too big, but I'm saving them up for two things."

And that's when you would butt in and ask him a very original question, "what are the two things?"

"Well they both involve you. Can you guess what it is?" Taehyung would always throw back a question to you, because he knew you'd get impatient and he found your annoyed face to be the cutest thing to ever exist.

"Come on! Just tell me! You know I suck at guessing. I'll probably just say something dumb too"

And as you went on with your whining, he would stare at you with pure adoration. Almost like he were looking at a cute puppy. He couldn't get enough of you. He didn't care if you or anyone else thought he was being extra or sappy, he just wanted to admire you every day.

"Well... okay! One is for a car"

"A car?"

He nods his head. "Yes! A car." He continues to admire your face, the features on your face were so perfect.

"That's great! I have a couple of coins that I can give you! It's not a lot but it's a step closer to reaching your goal. But wait, you said it involves me. How?"

"Well… honestly, I just want to be able to take you on dates without having to embarrass you. I know dating someone who uses a bus as a transportation isn't cool, so.. yeah."

"Woah. Slow your roll there buddy. Do you really think I care if you do or don't have a car?"

"No, I know you don't but I care. I mean I just- I see couples, where the guy picks them up in their own car, and takes them out and stuff. And all I can offer you is a bus ticket." He scoffs. "I want to give you what you deserve"

"Taehyung you've given me more than what I deserve. I mean I have you, and I clearly do not deserve you. And I didn't date you because of what you do or don't have. I'm with you because I know your heart, and I know that if I'm ever feeling down, you'd be there besides me, holding and making me feel better"

You can't see it because you're talking with so much speed and emotion. But something flipped in Taehyung's heart. He felt this urge to get on his knees and ask you right there to be his forever. He felt this urge to let you know, that if anyone doesn't deserve anyone, it's him. He didn't deserve you.

He didn't.

"You do all this without a car. You do all this without asking for anything back, even though I know I have a lot to repay you but-"

Your mouth was shut with a kiss. Taehyung had been hearing every single word that came out of your mouth, and each one touched his heart. He felt like he won a lottery, finding someone like you. And he knew that if he were to ever have to let you go, it would be one of the most excruciating pain he's ever felt.

You shake your head as you try to snap out of that memory. You don't even want to think of a time where you felt like you were going to be together for a long time.

You didn't even get to hear his second choice, if he were to save enough money.

It didn't matter anyways, and it shouldn't. It's been two years, so these random memories and past feelings should have been out of your system a long time ago.

You take a quick glance in the mirror, and get up with speed. You decided that today was it. Today was going to be the last day you cry and think of Taehyung. Because if you don't, you'll grow up old and sad.

And it feels stupid when you think of it. But maybe then you would convince yourself to let go. After all, today isn't your day, it's Jin's.

That old man is getting older and you need to appreciate his friendship and your other friends, before time passes by and you lose them too.

You've clearly been distant from them for a while now. You stopped going out with them, and meeting up with them in general. You always seem to use work as an excuse, and of course they never commented on it but they knew. They knew you were just drowning in your sadness.

But like you said, today was the last day. You're going to be more productive now. You'll fold your blankets, and fix up your bed. Maybe even clean your room a bit, since it looks like a tornado hit.

Your life was starting again today.

It only took a couple of hours, but you managed to clean your whole apartment, and just thinking about it makes you want to tear up. You thought for sure, you'd give up half way through cleaning, like you always do.

But for some reason, you didn't today. You accomplished something on your own, with no help. And it made you feel proud? happy? Maybe both. Because for the first time, you didn't rely on someone, and maybe you're over exaggerating, but for once you didn't care.

You were trying to let your emotions be valid.

Of course. You’re worse than today’s weather. You kept changing your mind. Because just like that, your happiness turned into nervousness.

You took a quick glance at the clock on your wall and it was time for you to get ready. You suddenly feel a slap to your face, as you're wanting nothing more then to call your two friends over.

So much for being independent and not needing to rely on someone anymore.

You walk towards the kitchen table, because you remember that was the last time you had your phone. And unknowingly form a pout, when you realize that your phone was indeed not anywhere near the kitchen area.

You sigh as you scan all over the rooms, under the couches, and even cross your fingers for someone to text or call you. But your phone is drier than a desert. And that was no where near an exaggeration, because it was the truth. its your fault though, you never answer peoples text or calls.

A knock on the door was heard, and you just knew that Jimin was behind that door. You also knew that he probably brought extra clothes, like some tights that would look "sexy" on you. Because Jimin likes to think that tights go with everything. And he also just has a weird obsession with tights if you really think about it.

Or worse, he's brought an even sluttier dress, because he just thinks that if you wear something slutty, you're automatically not sad anymore.

To be honest, the logic is there. Just not when it involves someone as insecure as you.

You also don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing your shocked face as you open the door, so instead you yell, "the door is open come in!" And continue searching for your damn stupid phone.

You decide to go back and check the kitchen one more time, and funny enough it's sitting right where you first had left it. You really need to get your eyes check, it's started to getting embarrassing.

As the door opens, you look through your messages and see one message from Taehyung. You debate if you should open it as your finger is placed right on top of the message. But instead choose to place your phone down on the counter and shut it off.

"I would have thought that the second time was going to work. I guess that’s why they say the third times the charm"

That voice. That bad humor. That deep awkward laugh. That feeling in your heart, when you think of him.

"Taehyung?"

taglist: @bjoriis @btsbangers @kimxhanbin131 @got7usernames @gotjimin13 @laylasbunbunny @rjsmochii @jhopeshopee @taeriffic @shydestinyyouth @tarahardcore @bloodline1632 @turnthepageandbeburnt @starbtslove @whoa-jo @starlight-night0 @taebangtanbabe

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whypolar · 1 year ago

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Gundam Unicorn OVA 4: At the Bottom of the Gravity Well

I thought the last one was the prettiest, and they might have one-upped themselves again. The shot composition alone...!

...This is a really weird one to talk about. Probably my most opinionated post so far, and even longer than the last one. This monster is over 15k words, I'm so sorry.

The sixth Unicorn novel is an extremely frustrating experience for me. It's my least favourite of the books by a wide margin, and it comes at you very suddenly after the first five, which I think are generally interesting and a lot of fun.

OVA 4 covers the plot of the sixth novel. It removed everything I disliked about the book, and replaced it all with something much better.

...And then it found entirely new ways to annoy me, by removing or otherwise fucking around with several novel scenes that were already good. Yes, it's Riddhe again.

I'm genuinely kind of baffled.

Still, overall it was a far more enjoyable experience than its novel equivalent. I'm going to talk about novel stuff right away this time, because it's kind of unavoidable. The OVA is very different, right from the first scene.

(Previous posts: Day of the Unicorn, The Second Coming of Char, The Ghost of Laplace)

FYI: I'm saving detailed discussion of any particularly disturbing or otherwise sensitive novel-only content for the end, in the last two sections. There will be content warnings listed under the headings for those sections.

Major structural changes: Dakar and Torrington

This is a huge change, right out of the gate. The attack on Dakar is where the main conflict of the novel takes place, but here it's already ending in the very first scene! For a while I wondered if they were going to return and attack it again, but it quickly became clear that wasn't the case.

Syam and Gael make an appearance. They don't tell us anything new, I don't think-- and we've seen that colony drop flashback before too, haven't we? I could be wrong. Regardless, I think they're mostly just making sure the audience doesn't forget Syam and Gael exist while everything else is going on. Probably a good idea.

We know a lot more about Syam's deal right from the get-go in the books, because it's literally prologue. I feel like significantly less has been explained here about his history and the history of the Vist Foundation-- but it's admittedly hard for me to keep straight what we've been told in previous OVAs vs. any gaps I may be filling in with prior knowledge.

I do wonder how they're going to handle him going forward. Are they going to infodump a bunch of relevant history and character motivation further on? Are they just going to refuse to elaborate on certain things?

Because they've been skipping over smaller character details about Syam that we learn through Cardeas, Martha, and Gael, he seems to be presented as a lot more... straightforwardly benevolent, at least on the surface. Almost ethereal, even. I think novel Syam has more of an edge, even if he's supposedly feeling repentant now that he's a sad old man.

Oh, and Gael. Gael was shot by Alberto on the Argama during the Palau battle, in the fifth novel. Maybe something equivalent to that is coming in the next OVA, on the Ra Cailum instead? They could also just skip it, since he survives and appears after that anyway.

This Zee Zulu was not present for the novel scene I'm about to discuss, but consider this: I like aquatic mobile suits.

The novel opens like this, with the Shamblo destroying a submarine. The context is different than the anime equivalent, since Dakar hasn't happened yet and there are no other mobile suits present. Nobody in the Federation is aware the Shamblo even exists yet.

The submarine in the novel was searching for the Garancieres, since it was believed based on the trajectory that it would have landed in the ocean (as opposed to the desert, where it actually ended up). One of the sonar operators picks up some strange noise, but it doesn't fit the profile of what they're looking for, so his superior tells him to ignore it. This was a mistake. The Shamblo-- also searching for the Garancieres-- tears their hull apart, killing everyone on board.

Instead of Dakar, the main conflict in OVA 4 takes place in and around Torrington Base-- a location from the seventh novel. They've essentially moved Loni's arc forward, and combined it with another battle.

I originally assumed this might have been a censorship concern, but a whole bunch of civilian casualties still happen, so... seems more about wanting to get to Torrington faster. I was very surprised when they didn't censor the woman with the baby on the fire escape. I remember reading the novel equivalent and thinking "oh, they're cutting that for sure". Shows what I know.

The novel version of Torrington doesn't have any civilian infrastructure around to damage. It's an extremely remote and backwater location.

Even with the addition of a nearby city, putting the coordinates in Torrington is significantly less callous on Cardeas' part than having them in Dakar. Programming the La+ program so they have to activate the NT-D in the middle of the Federation capital is stupid as shit, assuming your goal isn't to kill a bunch of random noncombatants. Novel Banagher's explanation for why he might have done it is so generous that it just kinda makes me sad.

I'm sorry Banagher, I know you're still traumatized because he exploded, but your dad doesn't give a shit about other people. He prioritizes poetic imagery in his treasure hunt over the lives of human beings. He zapped your brain as a child to check whether you could pilot the robot good. He sucks, Banagher.

The Parliament building as a location does give a much more direct clue to the nature of the Box-- the Federation charter is on the ground floor, and we're told through character dialogue that it's a replica of the original that was destroyed at Laplace.

This montage of all the scattered Zeon forces on Earth mobilizing might be my favourite sequence in the film. This is another situation where I wish I could include images for all of it. Don't even get me started on the music in this part. God, it's so sick. Cool fucking robot. (Image of a child holding a rifle flying over my head)

Yonem Kirks was originally a character from novel 7. He had nothing to do with Loni, as she was already dead when he was introduced. He was actually the leader of the group of Zeon remnants who picked up the transmission requesting assistance for the attack on Torrington. He would have been in the place of that nameless beardy guy up there, whose face we never fully get to see. He is eventually killed by Marida in the Banshee.

OVA 4 recasts Kirks as a surrogate father figure for Loni. In the novel, Loni's father is still alive, and he's also one of the main reasons that book six is my least favourite. You'll see.

Loni takes over her father’s original role as a character, but with everything I hated about him stripped out. I think that rules. I initially thought they were going to put Kirks in his role, but what they went with was definitely more interesting.

I'll talk more about Loni at the end of this post, since she's the core of the whole arc. She's a substantially different character in each version. I will also explain exactly what her dad's deal is in the book, and why I do not like it.

Let me get this out of my system first.

The Character Assassination of Riddhe Marcenas

Imagine: an interesting character is rewritten so that everything you liked is either downplayed or removed, and then your least favourite aspect of their personality or story is inflated to become their most important character trait. This is what experiencing anime Riddhe is like for me.

I feel like I'm being pranked. Literally, the degree to which they are systematically removing all his most interesting and sympathetic qualities is starting to feel like a running gag. It's not just things being cut for time, either; they've changed dialogue and body language in ways that can only be deliberate. Someone clearly decided that changing Riddhe's personality was necessary, and I can't figure out why.

I got mad enough about this to make a diagram. I didn't even realize just how much I apparently liked this guy until they took him away.

Riddhe becoming increasingly closed off, obsessive, and myopic is a significant degeneration, and it happens over a fairly long stretch of plot. It's interesting because we're given time to get used to this guy as a positive force before watching him spiral, and he's clearly still trying to be good even as he self-destructs. That's how it feels for the characters, and that's ideally how it should feel for the audience.

If he's just kind of a self-absorbed dickhead from the start, what's the point? Where's the juice? Where's the drama? Why should we care, on an emotional level, whether or not it's still possible to pull him back from the cliff?

Look, I admit that I was less cartoonishly mad about this on the second watch. I can imagine a more charitable reading of this character than my bitter little hater response. I'm sure the anime version works fine for people who haven't read the novels, or who have but don't care about the original character, or at least don't find the new version as deeply unlikable as I do. But it makes me so crazy.

I'm going to go through his scenes, so you can see exactly what I mean.

Riddhe & Ronan

Riddhe's first scene in the OVA is his conversation with Ronan. This is a scene from the fifth novel-- if you read my post on OVA 3, you may remember my surprise that there was so little of Riddhe and Mineva doing stuff on Earth. Clearly, some of it was pushed foward to be in this one instead. Sure. Fine.

In the novel version of this scene, Riddhe is waiting alone in his father's office. Two other people come by to speak to him before Ronan arrives. I'm fine with these conversations getting cut for time, but I do think they're interesting, so I'm going to go over them.

First is the Butler, Doillon-- the novel's fan translation spells it Dwiyon. Doillon is described as a father figure to Riddhe, and clearly one he feels more positively about than Ronan. Doillon tells Riddhe that he missed him, and asks him not to leave again. He says that he's old and will likely die soon, and he's worried about the family-- Ronan is also getting older, and his health is declining (heart issues).

We also meet Riddhe's older sister, Cynthia, who either doesn't exist in the OVA or is off doing vivacious socialite things elsewhere. She also tries to convince Riddhe to come home. She asks him about Audrey, tells him she's cute, and insists they both come to a party she's hosting later.

There's some discussion of Riddhe's mother, both in narration and dialogue. We're reminded that she's ill (unspecified) and living in a nursing home. It's implied that she might have had some kind of nervous breakdown because of "the political world," but it's unclear whether that means she was a politician herself, or if it was more about her involvement with Ronan.

At this point Ronan comes in, and everyone else gets shooed out.

OVA Riddhe's demeanour around Ronan is... curious? Maybe nervous, and a little dismissive, but trying to act respectful. He's very goofy, rubbernecking and trying eavesdrop on Ronan's phone call. It would be cute, if he didn't piss me off so badly within the next five minutes. Ronan, meanwhile, feels very distant, keeping his back turned away for much of the scene.

The novel relationship is extremely tense and hostile, and a lot of that energy comes from Riddhe. He has to deliberately restrain himself from being aggressive and getting angry during this scene, because he's aware he needs his father's authority if he's going to keep Mineva safe.

Riddhe hates being in his family's house. He does not like his father, and is constantly on edge when he's around. In many scenes, he deliberately avoids even looking at him. When we're told that Riddhe "ran away", the connotations of that are very different from in the OVA, where it sounds like he just left on a fanciful whim.

So the familial relationship is different. Fine. I think it's less interesting, but I can live with it.

Here's where I start getting mad:

Ronan accusing Riddhe of being in love with Mineva and suggesting that this is the reason he brought her to Earth is an anime-only addition.

Obviously, a character in a story believing something doesn't make it an objective fact. The framing, however, implies that Ronan is correct: Riddhe has a dramatic startle reaction, they've failed to establish any other strong motivation, and immediately after this scene he goes and proposes to her.

The scene where Riddhe talks to Mineva is a combination of two different scenes from the novel-- first the hug on the balcony, and later the proposal. The original two scenes have completely different (and incompatible) tones, and they're separated by a good amount of time, as well. There's also another scene between them, with Riddhe riding his horse, so I'll talk a little about that too.

The way these scenes have been combined not only fully re-centres Riddhe's character around being in love with Mineva, but it also makes him way more invasive and pushy. I fucking hate this guy. He sucks! Where's my boy!!!!

The Balcony Scene

The balcony scene takes place during the dinner party held by Riddhe's sister and her husband, after Riddhe has had his conversation with Ronan. The guests are mostly wealthy older women, the wives of important men.

Mineva is cautious and a bit intimidated. She is introduced as Audrey Burne, and stated to be the daughter of one of Ronan's connections. Riddhe is obviously sulking, refusing to speak to the point where he won't even respond to direct questions and his sister has to carry the conversation for him.

The guests begin gossiping about the recent terrorist attack on Industrial 7. The way they discuss the deaths is not particularly respectful. They talk about Zeon and spacenoids in general almost as if they're inhuman aliens. Cynthia tries to steer the conversation elsewhere. Mineva is horribly uncomfortable.

Riddhe stands up and leaves the table without saying anything. Mineva isn't able to find a good opportunity to leave and go look for him until 10 minutes later. She eventually finds him on the balcony facing the courtyard.

“I’m sorry” the voice entered her ears, and she looked forward, staring right at Riddhe’s back as he still looked forward. She lowered her face and said, “There’s no need for you to apologize...” “I feel that this is reality too. If I continue to remain in Neo Zeon, I wouldn’t know all of these things.” This might be a good chance to learn. Mineva muttered in her depressed heart, but she could not find any words to overcome these words that were full of such prejudice. She thought that mutual understanding was just a dream, and she remained unable to breathe in this helplessness of hers. “That’s not it.” Riddhe said as his shoulders trembled, and he clenched his hands that were on the handrails tightly. “That’s not what I want to talk about…” ... [His shoulders trembled,] probably because he was crying. That was not an emotion that could be caused by a breakdown in talks between him and Ronan, and Mineva sensed that there was a greater despair and sense of loss here, “Riddhe…” she called him, and approached his trembling figure. Suddenly, that back profile left the handrails, and Riddhe turned to Mineva, his chest filling her sights. Mineva was hugged around the shoulders as she was pulled to him, and he embraced her in his clutches. “I’m sorry, I…I actually brought you to such a unthinkable place…!” ... “No matter what, I’ll protect you well no matter what, so please stay here, stay by me…don’t leave me alone…” Water droplets that had warmth dripped on her hair, wetting her forehead. Why is he crying? What’s causing him so much pain? At that moment, Mineva had no sense of uneasiness or disgust as she felt Riddhe’s trembling body with her own. She hesitated over whether she should put her arms around him, and she looked at the sky that was entering the night from past the shoulders wearing the military uniform.

It's just... a completely different scene, with a completely different context.

Look at the description of that hug! Is that the impression you got from the hug in the anime, that Mineva felt at ease? The only person whose feelings we can tell for certain in that scene is Riddhe, and Mineva seems uncomfortable and unhappy both before and after the conversation.

The scene ends here. We get a continuation much later, as the final scene of the novel.

Mineva is alone in her room, several hours after the conversation on the balcony. We're told that Riddhe ran away from the house immediately afterward, without looking at her or explaining what had him so upset. She wonders what he's doing now, then wonders what she's doing. She feels helpless and lost, and rather unlike herself. In the past, she has always been very decisive. These confused, conflicted feelings are strange and unfamiliar to her.

When she looks up at the sky and asks Banagher what she should do, one of the stars is implied to be the Unicorn falling through the atmosphere. I think that imagery is really lovely.

Riddhe Horsegirl Moments

A couple days later, Mineva watches from a distance as Riddhe rides his horse. She is impressed by how in sync they are and how much trust there must be between them, but she also thinks that the horse is clearly picking up on Riddhe's anger and seems anxious.

(Right before this scene, when Ronan is watching Riddhe out the window, we're told that Riddhe deliberately learned a second, different riding style than the one popular with upper-class people that he was originally taught, because he thought it was boring. lol)

Cynthia comes out onto the terrace to talk to Mineva. They talk about Riddhe, and Cynthia describes her perception of his personality. The fan translation is kind of garbled here, but I'll include the passage anyway:

Cynthia looked down at Riddhe that was riding on the horse, “He’s really a useless child.” She sighed as she mused, and Mineva did not feel comfortable hearing this. “He’s always been like this in the past, always unable to hide what he was thinking, and never cared about the people around him when he put his mind to him. He’s already everywhere at once, but he’s attracted to small details for some reason, so he’ll always bear everything by himself alone.” This is really a rather accurate correct analysis. Mineva felt impressed that Riddhe’s relative was able to see through him so thoroughly, but felt a little depressed as she thought about how she had not been talking to Riddhe during this while...

Jp text for the list of traits:

「昔からそう。一途で、隠し事ができなくて、思い込んだら脇目も振らずに突っ走っちゃう。そのくせ、変に気が回るもんだから、ひとりでいろいろ抱え込んじゃうのよね」

Possible alt translation (I have no expertise, take with salt just as you would the other):

"It's always been that way. He's single-minded, can't hide anything, and when he makes up his mind, he rushes forward without looking the other way. Despite that, he's strangely anxious, so he takes on a lot of things by himself."

We're then told exactly how long Mineva has been staying at the Marcenas residence (3 days), and what the atmosphere has been like in the house. Riddhe is barely around, apparently busy repairing the Delta Plus. Ronan and Cynthia's husband Patrick avoid Mineva entirely. Cynthia and Doillon are the only people she has to spend time with, and neither of them is aware of her true identity.

Cynthia assures Mineva that Riddhe will probably get over whatever is bothering him soon enough and be back to his old self, but Mineva feels an ominous certainty that she's wrong.

My impression of novel Mineva is that she generally likes Riddhe and enjoys his company. She worries about him, and feels lonely when he starts becoming increasingly distant and angry. She doesn't like that she can see him changing, and she can tell that he's hurting. It's upsetting to her! She had just gotten to know this guy, and suddenly he's acting like a stranger again.

I have a hard time believing that OVA Mineva has enjoyed being in the same room with Riddhe at any point. She seems pragmatic and politely disinterested at best. Her body language with people she clearly likes-- Banagher, or hell, even the guy in the diner-- is very different.

The Most Depressing Proposal in the World

The dialogue of the proposal itself and Mineva's rejection is basically the same. Everything else about Riddhe's behaviour and body language is completely different.

They even completely inverted the exchange when he opens the door! In the novel, Riddhe asks if he can come in, and Mineva replies "this is your house, isn't it," but in the anime, he opens the door without asking and she's upset about the presumption.

It's such a small thing, but it's a clear signal to me that these changes are purposeful. They had zero reason to do that, unless they want to change the audience's perception of Riddhe and his relationship to Mineva. This suggests to me that they're not failing to adapt the novel character, but intentionally replacing him with something different. But... why? To what end?

This scene happens right after we learn that Riddhe is being sent to serve under Bright on the Ra Cailum. The context of the proposal is him telling her he's leaving.

Mineva has been in the house for at least ten days at this point. She has been feeling increasingly anxious and constrained, and by now she feels a strong desire to leave.

Riddhe is very distant and stiff. He tells her he's leaving, and apologizes. This is when he finally tells her about his conversation with Ronan, how the Marcenas family and the Vist Foundation "are like two mirrors facing each other," and that his family likely intends to use her as a hostage.

Then we get the proposal. It's so vaguely delivered that Mineva literally does not understand what he's asking at first. Not only does he not hug her, he's not even looking at her. He has a weird little twitch when bringing up his dad. The whole thing is miserable and kind of pathetic.

“So... can you become a member of our family?” In contrast, Riddhe said this without turning around to look. Mineva did not understand what he was saying to her as she frowned. “How about you abandon Zeon and the Zabi family, and become a member of the Marcenas family? In that case, my dad will—” To Riddhe, the last words were probably something he did not expect. His eyelids twitched, and he seemed to recover as he went quiet and lowered his eyes that were once facing Mineva. “…Even if it’s just a formality, this meaningless war will end like that, and you’ll be free.” “Do you feel…that can be considered freedom?” Mineva too lowered her sights, her heart feeling the sand-like bitterness. These words sounded too tragic to both the speaker and the listener, and even though they were just a few connected words, she could understand that her body and mind were gradually being contaminated. Something very important was starting to fall off, unable to be retrieved again—this kind of disappointment spread in her heart.

I'm sure Riddhe does think a marriage would reduce the danger she's in, but this is still a selfish question. He probably even knows it. It's just not the same kind of selfish as if he had barged into her room uninvited and proposed immediately during a fit of emotion because he's apparently madly in love with her, good grief.

Not even Riddhe wants to be "a member of his family." He had refused to speak to them for three years, well before he had the family secret dropped on him. But we're supposed to believe he thinks pulling Mineva into that is a good idea? Please. He is horrified by the idea of being alone with them.

He wants Mineva to stay because she's the only outside person he has left to hold onto, because he cut off all his other established positive relationships when he helped her escape.

Personally, I think that kind of total alienation is a lot more psychologically interesting than just being freshly upset and smitten with her!

Even though he knew how many risks he was taking, I think Riddhe was still telling himself he'd be able to wriggle out of it eventually. He'd use his dad's authority to secure Mineva's safety, and then he'd wait for another chance to run away and be a pilot again later.

Being told about the Box was the nail in the coffin for that, because it gave him a new, permanent sense of obligation to re-affiliate with his family, to "take responsibility for their sins." Perceived moral obligation is Riddhe's kryptonite.

The anime cut the conversation here, right after the rejection. Do you want to know what Riddhe's next line of dialogue is?

“Sorry, forget what I just said.”

lol. lmao even.

Like the anime, this conversation is the catalyst for Mineva running away. The scene in the diner is from Novel 7, as is Martha demanding Ronan give her Mineva. It all happens after Riddhe leaves.

The Ra Cailum

The Tri-Stars are not happy to have Riddhe on their ship.

When Riddhe first approaches the Ra Cailum in the Delta Plus and attempts to board, they actively antagonize him in their own mobile suits: they physically get in his way, don't respond to his hails, and one of them even fires on him.

Riddhe pulls off a dramatic maneuver to get past them, and this impresses them enough for the squad leader to say "alright, you've convinced me that you're more than just a useless nepotism hire."

They did not have authorization to do this. All four of them get dragged into Bright's office immediately after getting out of their suits. The Tri-Stars lie about what happened to avoid further trouble, and Riddhe goes along with the cover story. Bright orders the Tri-Stars to go clean the deck, and they leave.

The incident confirmed in Riddhe's mind that he's being given special treatment, so he brings it up to Bright:

The reason why the Tri-Stars would pull such petty tricks on him was because news of him being given special treatment was spread through the ship. He was already mentally prepared about being viewed as an irritant, but he could not stand being treated as a troublesome VIP and being unable to do anything. He stared at the back that had no intent of looking back at him and continued to emphasize with a restrained tone. “I’ve been through battle before. Please don’t remove me from dangerous missions just because I have to keep watch—” “DON’T BE NAÏVE!” Bright turned around to let out a roar that pierced through the pilot suit, causing goosebumps on Riddhe’s skin.

This conversation hits different when the "dangerous" situations Riddhe keeps putting himself in are on the extreme end even for a military pilot.

Novel Riddhe's disregard for his own safety is remarkable. I talked about it some in the last post, but after the conversation with his dad it takes on a more desperate tone. There is something very clearly wrong with this guy, and every time other people die around him it gets a little worse.

When I call Riddhe "borderline suicidal," I'm not saying he's consciously trying to kill himself, to be clear. He's not trying to get shot down on purpose-- quite the opposite.

I have no intention of dying. Right now, I don’t have a reason for that, before I can redeem the crimes of this cursed bloodline of mine— he muttered in his frozen heart, “Yes”, answered, and saluted.

The reckless death drive and the belief he has an obligation to stay alive can coexist without coming into conflict because they're ultimately coming from the same place and serving the same goal. He needs to keep existing in order to protect other people, and he needs to protect other people in order to justify having ever existed in the first place.

Or, basically: if you die, you only get to sacrifice yourself once, but so long as you survive you can keep doing it forever.

(And of course, what he thinks in the abstract while safely tucked away in an office is also different from how he behaves in actual combat, when people around him are dying.)

You'll get new examples when I get to what Riddhe does during the battle of Dakar. For now, we'll finish up the conversation with Bright.

Bright tells Riddhe to come back alive in both versions, but in the novel he also tells him to go clean the deck with the Tri-Stars if he wants to be treated like a normal pilot.

Nigel, the leader of the Tri-Stars, is waiting outside the door when Riddhe leaves Bright's office. Riddhe sighs and tells him he's going to help clean the deck. Nigel tells him he's too rigid, and he's going to end up wasting his talent. He doesn't let up even when Riddhe tries to be deferential:

... Riddhe instinctively looked away and said, “I won’t cause trouble for you.” ... but Nigel moved away from the wall and spoke, “You’re a rookie who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word team? Well, us Tri-Stars do whatever we want, and there’s no need for us to give you suggestions, but I’ll shoot you down from behind if you dare to pull the Ra Cailum fleet down. You better remember that.”

The equivalent to this line in the OVA seems a lot friendlier and more like banter. I think he's being truthful here, or at the very least genuinely trying to intimidate Riddhe.

Riddhe realizes Nigel still doesn't trust him and is continuing to treat him like an outsider. He thinks that maybe it's for the best, and responds with sarcastic praise.

Then we get this truly astounding line which I'm almost certain is a translation error, but I need you to see it anyway:

“Your sarcasm ain’t half bad there. Are you saying that us idiots who only know how to train are having a group orgy or something?”

Well I wasn't thinking it before but I'm certainly thinking it now. Why are you being so unwelcoming and excluding Riddhe from the group orgy, Nigel?

(The Japanese is "おれたちは訓練バカの仲良しグループってわけか？", if you want to check it yourself. Unless I'm missing some contextual innuendo, I'm pretty sure there is no reference to an orgy here. The phrase that got turned into that means "a group of close friends." He's basically saying "You think we aren't real soldiers and this is just a social club?"

I'm so disappointed. I wish this one was real. I was hoping to at least find a common crude idiom, like how people use "circlejerk" in English.)

Ahem.

Riddhe's attempt to be aloof fails; he immediately admits he's feeling envious and wants to feel included in the group. Nigel is clearly surprised by this, and seeds are planted for the Tri-Stars to come around.

This is important because when the attack on Dakar begins, Riddhe is initially told he isn't allowed to launch because he doesn't belong to any existing squadron. He's eventually given permission to launch with the Tri-Stars, after Nigel vouches for him.

Riddhe and Banagher vs. The Shamblo

The OVA actually reverses Riddhe and Banagher's respective roles here. Novel Riddhe engages the Shamblo well before Banagher is even on the field.

As the Ra Cailum approaches Dakar, they get a clearer picture of the situation. Bright realizes things are worse than they thought, and they need to rethink their approach.

Riddhe requests to be sent ahead on his own, to distract the enemy while the main forces land. He manages to make a convincing argument as to how he can do this without being shot down, and Nigel vouches for him again, so Bright agrees to let him scout ahead.

Riddhe launches on his own, without the Tri-Stars. He thinks about Mihiro and the Argama crew briefly while talking to the communications operator, which is sweet.

As Riddhe approaches the Shamblo, he realizes there are still civilians nearby who haven't finished evacuating. He also spots a GM III, part of Dakar's security forces, and watches it fire missiles even though the pilot should have been able to see the people on the street. Riddhe is furious.

The “GM III” continued to fire its beam rifle wildly at the road covered with dust and smoke. Riddhe grabbed the arm of the [mobile suit] and pulled it to the blind spot of the collapsed department store. (Khairul was killed…!) as the pilot continued to ramble on, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Riddhe used the communication channel to yell out at him, “Why are you using missiles at such a place!? There’re still people in the city!) (But we can’t let that guy approach the parliament hall…) “For the sake of your pride, you…!”

But then the Shamblo does its laser bits thing, so the GM ends up exploding. A lot of mobile suits nearby explode, in fact (RIP Guntank squad), and fleeing civilians get crushed quite gruesomely.

This is the point where Riddhe's death wish instinct activates, and "scouting" turns into "I need to engage the enemy and tank aggro right now."

“There’s no reason for them to die because of such a thing…!” If this is a tragedy caused by the “Box”. Riddhe let the machine transform, duck low, charge forward and squeezed the trigger of the beam rifle to its maximum. The beams that were deflected by the bits ripped apart the dust, grazing past the head of the “Delta Plus”. The machine then stood on the road in front of several blocks and started firing again. “Get over here!!!” he did not care that the reflected beams grazed past his shields as he let the “Delta Plus” leap up again. “I won’t let you kill anyone else. Just make me the only victim of the “Box”…!” The beam rifle continued to let out shots, and the beams that were reflected back in less than a second shook the machine. Riddhe continued to launch his attacks fervently as he forced the machine to retreat back to the coast. Anyway, I have to let the mobile armor retreat [from] the city and buy time for the civilians to evacuate. How long can I last? His mind that was thinking about this could not work at all, and the “Delta Plus” continued to shoot in a suicidal manner as it danced around the skies above Dakar.

Banagher sees and recognizes the Delta Plus on the monitor just before his fight with Zinnerman. His scenes are intercut with Riddhe and Loni's perspective on the battlefield.

Loni-- a very different character from her OVA counterpart-- keeps picking up on Riddhe's thoughts during combat. She attempts to convince her father that they should change course to avoid the civilians, but he refuses.

Riddhe helps a GM pilot in a damaged suit and tries to convince them to retreat, but they aren't having it. They tell him they're going to get under the Shamblo's feet, and they want him to shoot their suit so it will explode.

Obviously it's normal to feel fucked up about that kind of request, but it's still darkly funny to me how freaked out Riddhe gets, given his behaviour during this entire battle. Self sacrifice... not Riddhe? Death of friendly pilot not Riddhe??? No! No!!! Unacceptable!!!!

It's not Riddhe's choice to make, though. The GM rushes the Shamblo, where it is promptly torn apart and trampled. Riddhe manages to break through his hesitation and fires, but the Shamblo blocks the beam.

Then it fucking gets him. If you remember what I said about the OVA reversing the roles, the bit where the Unicorn gets grabbed by the claws happens to the Delta Plus instead.

The back of the “Delta Plus” was slammed hard onto the road, and the machine was half buried in the cracked asphalt. The large claws grabbed the lower half of the machine to restrain it, while the other claw rose slowly over the head of the “Delta Plus”, showing its malice that it was trying to dice it up as it opened its sharp blades. Riddhe sensed that his body was going to be crushed by this impact and scattered apart as he gritted his bloodied teeth. Is this the end? I can’t do anything, I’ll die here without being able to save anyone. As Riddhe’s concussed mind eked out these thoughts, How annoying, he muttered in his heart...

So then instead of Riddhe breaking off from the Tri-Stars to help Banagher, we get Banagher finally arriving on the scene and swooping in to save Riddhe from getting pureed.

They team up. The Unicorn isn't as manoeuvrable under Earth's gravity and atmospheric conditions as it is in space, so the Delta Plus basically becomes its flight unit.

Banagher is the one who fires the shot and destroys the Shamblo. He's very upset about Loni's death, but there's no moral dilemma or conflict between him and Riddhe.

Loni's situation is very different. She was probably already going to die whether they destroyed the Shamblo or not, and since it had multiple pilots, her death alone would not have stopped its rampage. I'll go over this again in more detail during her section. For now, the point I'm trying to make is that the novel version of this scene emphasizes that Riddhe and Banagher have a positive relationship.

I really get along with this guy instinctively. Riddhe hid this bittersweet reality inside his heart as he went full throttle and let the machine remain as low as possible.

[...]

The thrill when they were accelerating for each other as they raced caused all his senses to sharpen. If only I can remain at that moment of ecstasy.

The OVA scene is about... the opposite of that.

I still can't believe OVA Riddhe looks angry when Banagher's plan works and the Shamblo stops attacking the first time. He fucking scowls? Are you mad you're being proven wrong? That's more important to you in this situation than preventing more deaths? Distinctly un-Riddhelike priorities!

With the Shamblo gone, Riddhe is ordered to capture the Gundam.

The conversation they have about this is significantly longer. There's a lot of Riddhe failing to talk himself into killing Banagher after he refuses to surrender.

He's extremely torn up about it. Because Riddhe likes Banagher.

The metals bellowed as they touched each other, and the voice of the pilot rang within the interaction window. The “Unicorn Gundam” was touching the “Delta Plus” on the shoulder as it opened the communication circuit. ... (I never thought that I would meet you here in such a way…is Audrey alright? Did you make contact with the “Nahel Argama”—) Banagher intended to lean the body forward as he talked. However, Riddhe did not look at the other party’s face. He held his breath and fulfilled what he had to do at this point. The “Delta Plus” shook aside the hand resting on its shoulder ... The “Gundam” tripped, and by the time it managed to steady itself with the AMBAC, the “Delta Plus” was aiming its beam rifle at the abdomen. (Mr Riddhe…!?) “I’ve received an order to capture that “Gundam”. Get off that cockpit, Banagher.” Luckily, the visuals on the communication window were cut off the moment the interaction channel was removed. (Mr Riddhe, why…!) Riddhe merely let Banaher’s outcry chide his ears as his hand holding onto the control stick was trembling. “Don’t call me as if we’re close with each other. Without you, things wouldn’t end up like that…!” (Why’s that so? Mr Riddhe, Audrey—) “You and the “Gundam” are obstacles preventing this Audrey you speak of—Mineva from living peacefully. Get off!” My chest is going to break open. At this rate, I’ll go crazy too—just like this mobile armor that lies dead in front of me. Riddhe lowered his eyes and waited for Banagher to answer in a prayer. I feel you’re a man of your word. I’ll leave Audrey to you. The boy with such strong-willed eyes actually used those words to lay a curse on him and bind him, and though he hoped that the other party would step aside after realizing what was going on—

The things he says about Mineva here are interesting. I think it's very representative of the kind of weird rigid thinking Riddhe has, that even as he tries to talk himself into literally killing Banagher, he still considers the promise to take care of Audrey binding and unassailable.

It's also kind of fascinating that he considers protecting her to be something that he owes to Banagher specifically at all, enough to apparently consider it a burden, given that he had already taken action to do it himself before they ever had that conversation.

Even though he's stubborn and historically disobedient to authority figures like his father, Riddhe is still very... rules-brained, I guess, in his own way. He gets "stuck" on specific things people say to him like this a lot, particularly in the context of morality or a sense of duty.

Banagher won't get out of the Gundam, even at gunpoint. He doesn't understand why Riddhe is acting the way he is, and he wants an explanation.

And here's the important part:

When Banagher calls Riddhe's bluff and Riddhe cannot bring himself to shoot him, Riddhe tells Banangher to flee before anyone else can arrive to capture him.

Yes! He actively decides to disobey orders and let Banagher escape! That's the moment that the 'Black Unicorn' drops in on them! It has to show up for the plot to work, because Riddhe has already backed down as a threat!!!

And Riddhe's still focused on Banagher, even after the Banshee drops a bunch of rubble on his mobile suit. He's stuck there in his unresponsive machine, yelling at Banagher to run away.

There is hostility between Banagher and Riddhe during the Torrington fight in book 7, but the equivalent of that confrontation is presumably something for next time... there are still like, three more emotional bombshells that need to be dropped on Riddhe before he stops instinctively treating Banagher like an ally.

Do you see how, cumulatively, this might as well be a completely different guy?

I've been trying to avoid spoiling anything that happens later in the novels as much as possible, even though I assume most people reading these posts have either already seen the full anime or don't care about spoilers at all. But I simply must say. Holy shit. You're going to have this guy kill a fan favourite character? This guy? Worse Riddhe? I'm wincing just thinking about how apocalyptically fucking mad people must have been. I am imagining the forum posts in my mind's eye, and they're bad.

As much as I love complaining, I do think changes made in any adaptation deserve to be considered in their own right. Even if I don't like them. I've been thinking a lot about what these changes might mean, and what purpose they might serve.

Some possible narrative reasons for Worse Riddhe I came up with:

They needed him to kill this version of Loni in place of Banahger -- I think regular Riddhe would also be willing to kill Loni, once it became obvious that Banagher's plan had failed the first time. She's an enemy combatant who is deliberately killing civilians, and she's either unwilling or unable to stop.

To justify Mineva running away sooner -- as in, they thought if he was too likeable, the audience wouldn't understand why she wanted to leave. This wouldn't be a problem in the first place if they hadn't pushed his scenes forward so they had to happen all at once. Either way, Mineva would have many good reasons to want to leave without Worse Riddhe. Riddhe is only person she really has in her corner-- and then he tells her she's in an unsafe place, and then he leaves.

They were worried he might overshadow Banagher…? I don't think reducing Riddhe's role in on-screen combat would necessitate changing his personality. Also, this is just not something I personally give a shit about. Multiple important characters is not a problem. Banagher would absolutely still get to be cool and heroic. C'mon.

They think the new characterization is likeable / endearing, and the audience is supposed to find the increased focus on unrequited romantic interest in Mineva sympathetic-- [perplexed vocalization]

They think if Riddhe is more naive and jealous from the beginning, bringing him around will be more meaningful, from the angle of "Look, even this guy can be reached through the power of communication and not giving up on a possibility" -- Oo-hoo-oooh, I don't like how plausible this one feels. I can see the exact reasoning that might lead to it. I don't like it.

They're going to do something totally new with him later that never would have occurred to me -- I guess that could save it for me as an artistic decision, if it's interesting enough. Bit of a scary thought, though. What's up your sleeve?

If anyone else has theories or opinions about the rationale here, I'm all ears. I'd love to come up with something good enough to feel even 25% less annoyed about it.

Anyway, we've covered all my Riddhe grievances. Let's move on.

Frontal and Angelo are barely in this one, which is novel accurate.

They get their own section anyway, because they're always important to ME!!!

I get so excited every time Frontal shows up, regardless of context. The Sinanju theme starts playing and I'm already having the time of my life. He's literally just standing there and giving exposition. Embarrassing.

I love how visibly mad Angelo gets every time Zinnerman talks back to Frontal. He's hysterical.

Here's novel Loni experiencing Frontal's uncanny deepfake vibes:

The masked face spoke on the monitor, and Loni did not feel that it was the face of a human. The nose bridge and the lips under the mask were too refined, and the thick blond hair reminded her of a puppet. Am I seeing a complete artificial image here? she felt some goosebumps as she stared at Full Frontal, who was calmly smiling.

Banagher and Zinnerman

Banagher and Zinnerman's relationship is probably the one major story element that changed the least from the page to screen. I'm really glad that's the case. Their scenes together were some of the most enjoyable parts of the book.

There are still slight differences, as is inevitable.

Zinnerman is softer on Banagher in the anime. I think they probably did this just to make it even more shocking when he starts slamming him around and pointing a gun at him later. Novel Zinnerman is a bit more roundabout with how he expresses affection, and also more aggressive.

Zinnerman doesn't hit Banagher in the anime at all until their big fight, but in the novels he does it a number of times. He hits him twice when he's sitting around catatonic at the crash site, and that wasn't even the first time in the series (the first was all the way back on Palau, because Banagher was mouthing off when they drop him off to stay with Gilboa).

They have a confrontation before they head out into the desert, and it's a precursor to the conversation they have while traveling. The two conversations are about the exact same subjects, with the second mostly being a gentler reiteration, so I can see why they'd only keep one. The anime also shifts some of the aggressive energy from Zinnerman to Flaste, instead, by having him yell at Banagher and throw him around.

The scene that's only in the novel, is... scarier, for lack of a better word? Banagher starts out even more dramatically unresponsive and defeated, he ends up getting angrier, and Zinnerman is a lot more threatening.

On Banagher's condition at the crash site:

... he had no sense of will to live on by himself, and he would not ingest food if it was not prepared. If he was left alone, he would just sit around blankly for the entire day. ... There were no effects no matter what they did, whether they tried to threaten him or please him; he would not resist, but he would not show any form of will on his own. ...

On Banagher's internal mental state:

You killed him. You killed Gilboa, Tikva’s father. He had no intention of attacking, and you simply shot him. Tikva’s pitiful for not having a father now. You and him have no fathers. You killed him, and you killed a lot a people—

[...]

We can just run through this desert, Banagher thought. The sunlight can burn the skin, blood my head, dry up all the fluids in my body, and I’ll just become dust. Even the lead in my stomach and this cursed family blood of mine will be burnt to nothing. If I can do that, the “Unicorn” will never move again, the “Gundam” won’t awaken again; I won’t have to kill others, I won’t be killed, and the “Laplace Box” will be sealed forever— And then what? The abnormally cold voice interrupted to end the delusions. The impulse that rose in Banagher’s body quickly wilted as fatigue struck his mind. He found it difficult to think, curled back his body without doing anything and became a stone block like before.

Banagher's despair is also where the title of both the novel and the OVA comes from.

This place is really the bottom of a gravity well, Banagher admitted. His body and mind were tied to the bottom, so heavy that they were unable to move at all. Space felt so distant, and his soul was the only thing melting from his crouched body that was like dust. This is a one and only cog that can make decisions on its own. Don’t lose it—Mr Daguza did say it. I don’t want to lose it, I lost it unwillingly, but I really can’t hang on now. If I try to put it on, my body will break apart. I just want to sit here without thinking and without asking for anything. I’ll keep sitting until my heart melts completely…

And then Zinnerman comes in, and tells him him they're going on a trip. Sorry, you're getting a big chunk of excerpts here, because I really like this entire conversation.

Zinnerman was standing there. His hulking figure was standing there angrily “Stand up.” as he growled with a deep voice. Banagher immediately lost interest in the person who arrived, and immediately lowered his sight. “There’s a town 60km away. I’m going to walk there and get help, and you’re coming with me.” Are you kidding me? a slight electrical flow passed through Banagher’s mind as he lifted his eyes again. He saw the bearded face that was not smiling, and lazily looked down again. At this moment, Zinnerman’s hand grabbed him by the torso, and the body, which had its center of gravity at the back, was immediately dragged off the floor. “How long are you going to mope around here!?” The angry words roared into Banagher’s ears as the sand fell from his limp swaying body. His feet would not listen as his body was supported by hand grabbing him by the chest. However, Zinnerman’s hand that was holding this weight showed no signs of shaking at all. “We’ll leave after sunset. Get into the ship immediately. We need to prepare a lot of things if we want to pass through the desert.”

[...]

“Duty? I did my duty. I rode on the mobile suit and sank a Neo Zeon terrorist. Is that not enough? How many more must I kill?” Only this time did Banagher look right at Zinnerman in the eyes and spoke directly to him. What duty and responsibility? It ended up like this after I listened to those words. As he thought about how he would not be fooled again and intended to stand on his feet, a blunt sound rang in his mind as his world exploded. The body that was punched aside landed hard onto the floor, and the burning hot taste of sand spread in his mouth. The face that was buried in the sand started to ache, and Banagher’s body was trembling as he heard Zinnerman say, “You can deny us all you want.” “But don’t you dare think of yourself as a victim and throw a tantrum at me. I can still recognize it if the one that shot down Gilboa is a pilot, but not a brat who doesn’t have any resolve.”

[...]

The lead in Banagher’s stomach was burning, and he forcefully spat the sand that became dirt in his [mouth.] “I didn’t do this on my own will…” he muttered as he wiped away the blood on the corner of his mouth. “Someone else forced me to ride on a mobile suit, and things ended up like this before I even knew what happened. If you’re not going to forgive me, just kill me. Don’t beat around the bush and talk about something like duty; can’t you just harden your heart and kill me…!?” Zinnerman’s hard fist was still clenched as he answered with his trembling eyelids. See, this man talks big, but he’s no different from those guys who want the “Box”. Banagher said, “You don’t dare to do so anyway.” Banagher said with his busted lips that were curled up. “If I die, the “Unicorn” won’t move. If you can’t extract the data of the “Box”, you’ll just let this treasure rot. No matter how you hate me, it’s impossible for you to kill—” The second impact struck his face, ... “[Those] big shots may think that way, but we’re different”, Zinnerman growled, ... “It doesn’t matter what happens to the “Box”. My ship doesn’t have the room to feed someone like you who has no will to live.” The burly figure became a shadow as it moved towards Banagher, blocking his sights. The eyes of a killer were glittering somehow deep within, just like the first time, and Banagher clenched his hands together with the sand. Banagher stared at the two black eyeballs that were not showing any light, and exerted strength to stiffen his trembling knees. He tried his best to let his trembling body stand up, and glared at Zinnerman with all his strength. Do it if you can. I’ll spit my blood on you once I’m beaten down. As he was driven by this unknown temper, his swaying body was about to straighten, and Zinnerman showed some teeth on his ominous looking face. Before he could understand that it was a smile, he was gently nudged back and landed on his backside. “What kind of expression is that?” Zinnerman gave a wry look, and this was an unexpected response to Banagher as he looked back. “Someone who can give that kind of expression will not collapse that easily. Hurry up and get ready. The desert won’t listen to any excuses humans make.” Zinnerman finished and walked away. Are you serious? Banagher wanted to open his mouth and ask, but was unable to let out a sound as his wildly pounding heart spread the feeling of this fear that came a moment later. His body that was unneeded by anyone and self-neglected continued to give the sound of life stubbornly— “Damn it!” Banagher groaned as he kicked the sand at his feet. The blood that rushed up his body caused him to recall the heat, and the large amount of sweat that suddenly started to flow out evaporated before they dripped.

I really love this scene, and I miss furious blood-spitting Banagher, but I also liked the little sand-throwing tantrum they added to the conversation in the anime, so I can't complain too much. Other than that, the argument in the desert is basically the same.

Then we get the story about Globe. This is another scene where the music really stood out to me -- the track is called "Desert," and I think it's beautiful.

I like how they take advantage of the desert setting to show it to you visually in the form of Banagher seeing mirages, as well the hot wind in the desert evoking the heat from the burning town. It's a clever sequence.

I'll be coming back to Globe in a later section. The story and its telling has been altered in significant ways, although it serves the exact same purpose in the narrative for Zinnerman's motivation. Put a pin in it.

The conversation at the campsite is pretty much exactly the same in both versions, except the novel also describes ancient cave paintings on the stone walls they're using for shelter.

The novel has one more travel scene after this, where they get caught in a simoom and have a harrowing near-death experience. This is where Banagher really thinks through his feelings and resolves that he needs to live. As soon as the storm passes, they realize they're right outside their destination and start laughing hysterically from relief.

The novel also has several scenes where the two of them spend time with Loni in the city, scouting Dakar on foot before the operation. These are mostly about establishing setting, progressing the plot, and strengthening Banagher's connection to Loni, though there are some small Zinnerman moments I thought were charming.

Here's Zinnerman buying Banagher a beer:

Zinnerman suddenly raised his hand and called the waitress beside him. “Another beer please. For him.” He said with a nonchalant look on his face as he pointed at Banagher, wanting him to continue talking. “I’m still underaged, you know!?” Banagher then gave a shocked expression right back as his momentum was worn out. “Just drink. Today’s a special day.” “What’s special…” “You’ve become an adult. There’s no punishment for celebrating a little anyway.” A warm smile Banagher had never seen before caused him to feel some warmth in his stomach. He felt embarrassed, and thought that he could not look back anymore as he turned his stare to the sea surface that was dyed sunset.

The fight they have during the operation plays out pretty much the same, in both action and dialogue. Zinnerman does cause less lasting visible damage to Banagher in the OVA, though-- he's described as having his face noticeably bruised and banged up in the novel.

I do think novel Banagher knew civilian casualties were a possibility going in (in a way that OVA Banagher possibly did not consider at all, since the target is explicitly military). What horrified him was the deliberate act of murdering innocent people-- similar to novel Loni's feelings, in fact.

Even if he's rationalizing, Zinnerman's response of "you should have expected this" is still much truer about Dakar than Torrington. Come on, Banagher, you didn't consider there might be serious collateral damage if we walk the giant metal laser monster into a major metropolitan area? You saw what happened to Industrial 7. They could have just as easily destroyed that hotel by accident.

Such a good scene, though. Both versions. Get his ass.

Marida, Martha, and Alberto

There's a lot going on here. I'll start with the easy stuff.

Since Gael was on the Argama at the end of Novel 5, he goes to the bridge and tells them not to let Martha's ship capture the Unicorn. His mission had failed, and Alberto was successfully transferred to Martha's ship with Marida.

Gael warns Banagher through transmission not to trust Alberto and not to follow his instructions. He also tells him explicitly that Alberto killed Cardeas.

Alberto then cuts off Gael's transmission and admits to doing so. He explains his reasons, and then says some fairly cruel things to Banagher. It's clear that this conversation contributed to Banagher's intense despair in the desert; he even quotes Alberto directly at one point.

(The Foundation can’t live on without the Box. But that man intended to bring the “Box” outside.) ... (The Foundation has the “Box”. As long as this fact doesn’t change, it doesn’t matter even if the “Box” doesn’t exist. The key to opening the “Box” has no reason to exist. As long as we can destroy the “Unicorn”, everything will be back to normal. Don’t you understand? To a lot of people, you’re the seed of disaster.) ... (If you want to hate, hate father. Hate our father.) The voice pierced through Banagher’s chest, and then, there was a physical impact that rocked the cockpit. The connected ignition bolt was activated, and the traction wire was severed from the shuttle right from the end.

[...]

Banagher’s vision started to spin in a confusing manner, and the plasma air flow continued to blow by the cockpit. The temperature in the machine gradually rose, and the warning alarms continued to sway amidst the burning hot air. Nobody will save me. There’s no worth in saving me. Everything I know about is wrong. Banagher yelled with a voice that did not make a sound. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be sitting in this, even my birth onto this Earth is wrong— Banagher’ yell was vaporized by the additional heat, and the color of flames gradually covered everything.

With the line cut, the Garancieres moves in to grab the Unicorn instead. Banagher has passed out, but the Unicorn begins moving entirely on its own. Again it's described as looking like a devil, which is particularly fitting when it's basically fucking on fire. Zinnerman looks at its face and thinks it looks like it's smiling. I love that.

The head of the “Unicorn Gundam” that resembled a human face peeked through the bridge window, and the camera outside the ship was capturing a visual of its glowing eyes. It was an icy cold stare, and those eyes were staring at Zinnerman and company coldly as if it was grading the people inside the ship— “Is that thing…moving by itself?”

[...]

Zinnerman did not have time to shout out as his back hit the ceiling, and he tumbled onto the floor. From the corner of his eyes, he saw that the “Gundam” above him was narrowing its eyes in a smile with its back against the plasma glow. The machine with the appearance of a white devil was definitely smiling, and its body was swaying amidst the vortex that swelled like a mirage.

In book five, it's easy to read the passage with Alberto and not be entirely sure whether the tether being cut was the intention from the start, if it was something Martha ordered, etc. In book six we get explicit confirmation that Alberto made a snap decision at that moment to kill Banagher. He has weird guilt-induced visions of a young Banagher while walking around the cyber-Newtype lab.

... Alberto suddenly went quiet as he stopped in his tracks, as he sensed someone moving at the corner leading to the elevator hall. At a corner of the passage that was somewhat dim because of energy conservation, there was a black shadow popping out from a corner. That shadow moved lightly, forming the shape of a human, and became a shadow of a 4, 5 year old child as it stared right back from the corner. Those familiar eyes looked like they were about to be etched in Alberto’s eyes, and he could not help but look away. Haven’t you had enough already? Alberto thought as he widened his tense eyes with fear. The child who looked eerily similar to Banagher Links suddenly disappeared, and the shadow of the foliage plant placed at the corner was dragged along the floor.

[...]

The white machine fell into the scorching abyss as the traction wire was snapped—he recalled that scene and asked himself whether it was the correct decision. At that time, he merely had the impulse of wanted to get rid of the “Unicorn” from his eyes, and he did not remember making a sane decision. That was because he was scared, and he hated the eyes of the “Unicorn” pilot that were the same as Cardeas—Banagher Links, who was protected by the machine Cardeas put so much effort in making, and who appeared several times in front of him. Those eyes that could overlap his own when he looked into the mirror looked like they would reveal the sins he committed over and over again…

There's a bit more detail given as to the history about the Newtype lab, and why it still exists despite being shuttered. We also learn that it's rumoured to be haunted by the gruesome ghosts of children, who presumably died during experimentation. Alberto is not having a good time, and blames his hallucinations on the rumours.

Now I need to talk about the thorny part:

A lot of the stuff from the novels surrounding Alberto, Martha and Marida that got removed in the anime is related to sexual violence.

Book six has an extreme amount of sexual violence in general.

Content warning for this section: rape / sexual assault, csa, incest. If at any point you want to skip past it, scroll down to the heading and image for Loni's section. SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT KIDDING.

Since I was already talking about Alberto, I'll start there:

Martha and Alberto have an incestuous relationship.

I'm being pretty thorough with my current reread. I'm paying attention to everything, even stuff I don't especially like or find immediately interesting. If anything ever seems really out there, I try to crosscheck the Japanese (for as much as that helps, as a non-speaker). My previous read was much more casual, and I definitely started skimming whenever the incest came up.

As I continue reading into novel seven and beyond, I'm finding that it is... more relevant and also more severe than I remembered. I actually double-checked some scenes from later novels because I was wondering about something, and I'm fairly certain now that the implication is that Martha started grooming Alberto when he was a young teenager. That detail in particular significantly re-frames the kind of antagonist she is, for me.

You can already read sexual malice or eroticism into her interactions with various characters (Marida...), but that's not the same as being a canonical child sexual abuser. It's not like CCA Char stringing Quess along to manipulate her into the robot, or Haman trying and failing to seduce Judau in ZZ. There's no less damning explanation, and it's too prominent for "I pretend I do not see it" to feel like a viable reaction.

Unfortunately for the part of me that just wants to gleefully watch a sexy middle-aged lady be unrelentingly manipulative and terrible to everyone, I think continuing to ignore it would be failing to engage honestly with the text.

But hey, it's not in the anime. Anime Martha, at least, still gets to evil in the uncomplicated and fun kind of way.

I'm definitely going to be paying more attention to this aspect of Alberto as I reread. Unlike the other characters with csa backstories, I do not have any kind of developed opinions about how his is handled...

I wanted to get Martha and Alberto out of the way first because their Whole Situation spans multiple books. They are far from the most prominent instance of sexual violence in book six specifically. They only get three or so lines of unsettling innuendo, if I'm remembering right.

It's not a problem that sexual violence exists in the novels-- some of it is thematically or narratively interesting, and even important to why I'm so attached to certain characters. The problem is the sheer amount of it that gets thrown at you all at once, and how gratuitous it can get. Book six in particular overshoots 'shocking' and 'emotional', right into 'annoying'. It's excessive to the point of feeling stupid, and it cheapens scenes that I think could otherwise be resonant and meaningful.

This is something that's true of many (though not all) of the things I don't like in the Unicorn books-- they feel like frustrating over-extensions of things I did like about them. It's like Fukui doesn't know where to stop, and just takes bigger and bigger swings until it just becomes grossly self-indulgent (or in worse cases, reveals some kind of unpleasant bias).

I still remember reading Marida's backstory in book 5 for the first time and thinking I liked how it was handled, only for next book to go back and do it again but worse. Amazing.

There's a nightmare sequence when she's being brainwashed that has a sudden rape in the middle. It's more graphic than her backstory, which was often explained through metaphor, focused on Marida's emotions, implied through environmental details in the aftermath, etc. This one is just Fukui literally describing an assault to you.

She eventually kills her assailant, but is horrified to look and find the corpse is Zinnerman. Maybe that could have gotten me as a grossout horror moment if it wasn't the endcap for a sequence I didn't like, in a book that's already full of this shit. It's also just not necessarily the kind of shock factor I'm looking for from Gundam specifically. Whatever.

We're later told that the content of the brainwashing is based on Martha, but it's not explained exactly what that means (at least, it is unclear in the English fan translation). The nightmare does start out with Marida witnessing a snippet of Martha's childhood where she attends her father's funeral. Does it draw on her memories? Her worldview? Is it some kind of automatic generative process, or did she write it like a script? We don't know.

At the end of the nightmare, Marida sees herself as a child crying over Zinnerman's body, as an obvious parallel to the funeral of Martha's father at the beginning. I liked this. Shame about the middle.

I said I would come back to Globe. The novel version of the story has significant discussion of rape, including of children. When I compare the fan translation to the Japanese version, some of the lines might be slightly mistranslated, but the actual meanings are never describing anything less grotesque. One of them seems to actually be saying something worse than I had assumed, which is impressive.

The story in the anime states there were no survivors, which is not the case in the book, although there were certainly many horrible deaths.

(The novel tells us directly that a specific character is a survivor of the massacre at Globe. I've already been told that the backstory I'm talking about was cut from the anime, so I guess it's a moot point.

But since the story is being told by Flaste, it's not like some small number of survivors unrelated to him would necessarily be something he'd know about, I guess...)

Flaste also tells Banagher that there was footage of the violence at Globe that ended up being circulated on the black market. Attempting to track down and eliminate the source of the videos is what led to them finding Marida, since she was trafficked through the same network.

I'm done with this part. Unfortunately, the next section is possibly even more thorny.

Loni and Mahdi Garvey

Content warning for this section: racism / orientalism / islamophobia, allusions to real life terrorist attacks, one brief reference to sexual violence. The worst of it is over after you get to the heading "Who is Loni?", but if you want to skip all the way to the conclusion you can always scroll down to the last two images (Loni crying + the Shamblo with the destroyed cockpit).

The novel version of the Shamblo requires multiple pilots. The attack on Dakar is carried out by Loni, her two brothers Walid and Abbas, and her father Mahdi.

Novel Loni is generally a voice of mercy and restraint, although she still willingly participates in the operation. Much of her original dialogue during combat has been given to Kirks in the OVA.

Mahdi Garvey is the vengeful, resentful force that wants to punish the Federation for its crimes and destroy its symbols. He is the one who orders attacks on unrelated buildings and refuses to change course to reduce collateral damage, much like OVA Loni does-- however, he is significantly more resistant to being reasoned with than she is, and never has any moments of doubt or regret.

Walid and Abbas have very little agency. I can't remember a single notable line of dialogue from either of them, nor any traits that differentiate them. They're just kind of there in the background, usually doing whatever what Mahdi tells them to do.

All of these characters are explicitly Muslim in the novels.

One of the very first things we're told about Mahdi is that he has multiple wives and many children, but that Loni and her siblings are the 'purest' of his bloodline. We learn this after the destruction of the Federation submarine, while he tells them not to look away from the blood and entrails of the enemies they just killed. We later learn that he harbours a deep grudge not only against the Federation, but specifically against "White Men" -- he usually calls them Franks in Japanese.

I hate this character. I was so relieved when I heard they removed him from the anime. Most important call they made in the entire production, I think.

(The fan translation incorrectly translates "multiple wives and many children" as "many wives and many concubines," so English readers get an even worse first impression, by the way. I made sure to check everything I'm going to complain about in this section so I'm not slandering Fukui for the translator's mistakes.)

Mahdi talks about his religion quite a bit, but he's not portrayed as a religious extremist. He is not a fundamentalist. He doesn't seem to believe his quest for vengeance is something he is divinely commanded to do, although he certainly believes it is morally justified. He's completely fine with his unveiled daughter driving on her own to go pick up two unrelated, non-Muslim men (but he definitely expects her to give him lots of Muslim grandchildren).

His grievances with the Federation don't involve any particular hostility to secularism. He is angry about the Federation officially saying God is dead at the start of the Universal Century, and about the extraction of wealth from Muslim countries that he believes was an intentional destruction of Islamic society-- but I think those are entirely different issues.

You could try to make calls on whether this choice, or any other individual choice made about this character, is less or more offensive than the alternative-- but I think it's beside the point.

Mahdi isn't a Muslim because Islam is specifically important to his motivations; Mahdi is a Muslim because of what that is supposed to represent to the audience. Mahdi is a Muslim because because of the symbol of the Muslim terrorist in the global consciousness, and because Fukui wanted to invoke imagery of 9/11. His character is inherently a bit incoherent, because he's an amalgam of stereotypes about The Other.

I get the feeling a significant part of the research process for this character was looking at the wikipedia page for Osama Bin Laden. I assume Fukui made him less militantly religious than obvious real-life inspirations either because he believed it would be less controversial, or because it meant he wouldn't have to do as much research about Islam.

The through-line from the better-handled themes of the first five books that eventually leads to the terrible destination of Mahdi Garvey is pretty easy to see. It was deeply, deeply frustrating for me to get invested in the way the series acknowledged and engaged with global structural racism (even when it occasionally got a little clumsy or heavy-handed), only for it to drop this on me six books in.

I actually think this mess of a character was probably intended to be a complex, terrible-but-understandable antagonist? I'm completely serious. That's the whole reason it works to transpose his general motivations onto Loni, after removing all the stereotypes and real-world cultural references.

Mahdi is textually compared to Zinnerman (vengeance for the deaths of loved ones and injustice and violence against one's people), and Zinnerman is obviously framed as sympathetic. Mahdi pretty much has the same kind of backstory framework, just with "Muslims" instead of the fictional "Zeon."

Mahdi is also explicitly textually compared to Alberto (inheritor of an established family legacy and all the pressure that entails). Alberto is complicated, but I think he's also a sympathetic antagonist.

And then there's the very first character we meet in the novels, Syam. Syam is also a man from the Middle East who was negatively affected by the Federation's cultural imperialism, and Syam also participates in a terrorist attack. There's even a mention that the guys who recruited him were infiltrating religious institutions, though Syam was not brought in that way, and the religions in question are left unspecified.

Maybe you're wondering why I was so annoyed that Syam's backstory was removed, given I'm glad that Mahdi's was cut. The way they're handled is significantly different.

When he participates in the attack on Laplace, Syam is a nobody with rational motivations to do something awful. His backstory is there to talk about the material conditions and pressures that foment terrorism, including terrorism targeting oppressive governments, and the ways that powerful people take advantage of the desperate.

Mahdi is arguably sort of also that, but it's delivered through the lens of a deranged islamophobic caricature. lol

Syam's story is also a lot vaguer than Mahdi's, when it comes to real-world details. I'm sure there are criticisms one could make of that, too, but I still believe it's preferable in this case. The more you increase the specificity of real-world details in your future scifi world, the more knowledge or personal experience with the subject you need to pull it off convincingly.

Also, Syam not being white made our protagonist explicitly multiracial by extension, which I liked.

(Perhaps interesting: Loni seems to think of Banagher as being within the category of "Frank", but I'm pretty sure Mahdi identified him on sight as someone with "non-Western" heritage. This does not lead him to treat Banagher with any more respect or courtesy, however. Calling Banagher "the Key to the Box" is significantly more dehumanizing in his mouth than Loni's.)

Here's a quote that I think represents Mahdi at his most understandable and humanized. It happens right before he has the Shamblo blow up a hotel full of people out of spite, lmao:

Loni ignored her two brothers who were unable to speak up as she got up from her seat and gave a tense look at her father. Mahdi took her stare “Loni, [those people mocked me].” ... “[A barbarian] who’ll only imitate the white men on the surface, but [still hangs a knife on his waist]…that’s how those people viewed me. Whether it’s the receptionist, the [doorman], or any guest that brushed by, I can tell from their eyes even if they wouldn’t say it. Those people sold their souls to the society of white men, no matter the color of the skin. To those people, we’re just caged animals, pitiful beasts that are reared in the zoo to exchange for the self-satisfaction of a multi-cultural society.” Am I crazy? Mahdi asked himself in a corner of his mind, Then let me go crazy. and then answered his own question as he looked away from the speechless Loni. Father, grandfather, Loni’s mother, they all died in despair and hatred. I could only keep living to vent the regrets of those souls. I interacted with top-class education and culture in those white men’s society, and continued to be an alien that hated them. I tasted the feelings of bitterness, deceit and infidelity, I lived through such a life full of oxymorons, and it’s to be expected that I’ll lose my mind, but it’s all for this day. What should I do if I don’t unleash my madness? Who’s the one causing me to go mad!?

(I made edits to his dialogue here to more closely match the Japanese. The original fan translation said "those people used to mock us," and continued to use plural throughout the explanation, but the original line refers specifically to himself. I'm pretty sure it's specifically about when he was recently there, for his meeting with Banagher and Zinnerman.)

Again, the revenge narrative is basically the same thing we get from Zinnerman. And that part about feeling alienated from whiteness and being looked-down upon even as a highly educated, culturally assimilated person-- that's a real experience of racism! I've heard this sentiment from people in real life!

The problem is that Fukui put that sentiment in the mouth of a character who's a mishmash of stereotypes based on cultural fears that the non-Muslim world has about Muslim men.

The problem is that the only explicitly Muslim characters in this series exist to be terrorists in a heavy-handed 9/11 reference.

Another side note: the bit about the knife. Mahdi carries around a shamshir. When it was first mentioned I was just like "okay, he has a sword. Maybe it's a family heirloom or something." When Banagher notices it, he interprets it as representing racial / cultural pride as a person from the Middle East. Okay.

Fukui knows most of the obvious things about Islam. He knows about daily prayers, and that Muslim women often cover their hair and dress modestly. He knows that idolatry is a sin. He knows that Muslims are not wholly uniform in beliefs and practices. He knows the phrase "inshallah". I'm skeptical about his familiarity with the contents of the Quran beyond that, or the concepts of sunnah / hadith, or the differences between any specific major branches of Islam.

("Inshallah" comes up because Full Frontal says it as an ostensible gesture of cultural respect and cooperation, and Mahdi begrudgingly responds in kind with "Sieg Zeon". Hm.)

There's a bit where Loni gives an explanation to Banagher that liberal Muslims exist, which I guess might be necessary for an audience unfamiliar with Islam. It doesn't feel much like the kind of explanation an actual Muslim woman would give when asked why she doesn't cover her hair and/or face, though. It also immediately gets used as an excuse to scare Banagher with an example of supposed fundamentalist Muslim beliefs (basically, 'if I had been from one of those groups, seeing my looks would mean you either have to marry me or be executed').

Sorry to keep going on asides, but I actually recently watched a youtube video that contrasted Fukui's use of Islam in Unicorn with Ohtagaki's use of Buddhism in Thunderbolt. Since I'm currently reading the Thunderbolt manga, I thought it was interesting.

It amused me a little how the essayist skirts around specifically calling Unicorn's portrayal offensive or bigoted, instead settling for calling it "cringe."

You get the picture, right? I'm sure I could keep dredging up more examples, but I'll move on to how the events play out.

The Shamblo attacks the city as planned. Mahdi is bloodthirsty and vengeful, Loni is troubled, and the brothers are just kind of there. Mahdi has the Shamblo deliberately blow up an unrelated hotel.

Riddhe is flying around, witnessing everyone exploding and having a nervous beakdown about it. Mahdi refuses to change course to reduce civilian casualties when Loni asks.

Banagher fights Zinnerman, launches in the Unicorn, and saves Riddhe from getting crumpled like an empty soda can. Riddhe starts carrying Banagher around so they can do sick aerial stunts.

Then Mahdi has the Shamblo attack "The Trade Center." Fuck off, Fukui. You hack.

Since Loni is hooked into the psycommu, she hears all the deaths as they happen. This is finally too much for her, and she pulls off the helmet and begs her father to stop. Enraged, Mahdi yells at Loni about her mother's death.

The exposition here feels very awkward. Mahdi just drops this story on the reader at the last minute while chastising Loni, who obviously already knew about it. This really didn't need to be treated like a reveal.

“We should have expressed our thoughts sufficiently. I learned that Allah has a merciful and understanding heart. if we continue to massacre, we’ll be defying God.” She climbed up the ladder beside the seat and approached the captain’s seat. “What are you doing? Get back to your seat.” Mahdi growled, but Loni ignored him as she approached. “There are women and children on the Federation streets too. Father, please show mercy…” “Shut up! Did you forget how your mother died!?” [...] “Your mother killed a Federation soldier in the midst of the chaos after the war. She killed a despicable soldier who intended to rape a Muslim female in a refugee camp. The jury was completely one-sided, your mother was sentenced to death, and I couldn’t do anything to save her. I could only let your mother die all just to protect the trust of the company, all just to protect the cursed inheritance as a “Descendant of Dubai”! I endured everything all for the sake of this moment. I’m going to use this “Shamblo” to wreck the parliament hall and prompt all the Muslims to rise up. Our family’s tragic wish will be fulfilled soon, and now even you want to betray me?” The tears rolled down his suddenly widened eyes, dampening his face. This isn’t father. It’s impossible for such a man to be my father. Loni thought, but felt that this might be the first time she was seeing her father’s true state, ...

Realizing she cannot change his mind, Loni pulls a gun on her father. However, he pulls out his own gun and shoots her instead. As she loses consciousness, she reaches out to Banagher with her mind.

The Shamblo's bits are no longer effective without Loni controlling them. Hearing Loni's dying voice telling him to take down the machine, Banagher destroys the Shamblo.

Loni's brothers start arguing with Mahdi after he shoots Loni, but that doesn't save them by leading to a change of heart. They die alongside him in the cockpit.

Who is Loni?

Obviously, Loni is a Lalah archetype. She's one of at least three slightly different Lalah allusions in these books, which is kind of a lot, but I do like that one of them is a man.

Both versions of Loni's death scene have references to Lalah's dialogue in First Gundam ("I finally got to meet you," "It's sad, isn't it?").

Her eyes in the novel are green, also like Lalah. Because of her eye colour, Banagher mentally compares her to Audrey, and also... to his mom. The joke writes itself.

Banagher has significantly more face-to-face interaction with Loni in the novel than the OVA. Because of this, his relationship to her is more personal, at least before they get into each other's heads.

Novel Loni is knowledgeable, patient, and fond of children. She tells Banagher she wants to have ten kids.

She's a nice girl, I guess. It's not really possible to divorce her portrayal as a character from the portrayal of her father, Islam, and Muslims generally. The logic is built into her. I much prefer the character the OVA gave us.

They didn't have to change her character in order to remove the references to Islam. They could have just as easily kept Mahdi as the antagonist while making the Muslims-Zeon swap. I do like what they did, though.

By taking her father's role while also still retaining some of her own, Loni becomes even more central to her arc. She gets to be the primary antagonist and the person that Banagher wants to save. I think it's cool.

Like I said before, I try to avoid getting too deep into spoilers for later novels, but Loni's death in the novel has a number of things in common with the death of another female character that happens later. They're a little too similar for me. I'm sure it's an intentional parallel, but there's not enough contrast for me to find it juicy... I just don't think the narrative actually needs two different female characters to heroically sacrifice themselves so a male character can feel sad about shooting them. Of the two, Loni was the better choice for a rewrite, since this arc needed one anyway.

She still dies, obviously, and Banagher is still sad. There's even still a Lalah callback-- but it's a distinctly different kind of tragedy than the one that happens later. Barring any unexpected future changes, I personally think it's an improvement.

Look! A major theme!

Loni's father is still a presence in the OVA, in much the same way Loni's grandparents were for Mahdi in the novel. This is a story about ghosts of the past.

Tying Loni's rampage in the anime to a runaway psycommu is an interesting difference, especially given she says "Father?" right before it goes haywire. There's almost an insinuation that the machine is possessed.

This works as a metaphor, but if Mahdi was the previous pilot it could theoretically be literal, in much the same way that Neo Zeon managed to get some kind of Essence of Char from the Sazabi's Psycho-Frame when they created Frontal. Mahdi also presumably still developed and built the Shamblo, whether he piloted it or not.

"That isn't her, she's being enslaved."

Loni does describe her father as being swallowed or consumed by the machine in the novel, and she also describes the Shamblo itself as a force "leading people down the wrong path". I definitely interpreted this as metaphorical, though. Loni was the only one with her brain actually hooked into the psycommu.

They did a good job emphasizing the weight of family history as a theme in the OVA. The hands that reach down and pull Banagher's psychic projection away from her face! Again, I love the potential implications.

It's possible there's supplemental information or interviews about this somewhere, but I kind of prefer not having specific lore explanations behind what's happening in these scenes. I like the ambiguity.

Another interesting detail about OVA Loni is the explicit statement of "there's nothing left for me" / "there's no place for me" as a reason why she cannot stop.

This isn't part of her character in the novel, nor Mahdi's, even if loss and being consumed by revenge obviously is. I really like that it adds another connection to Zinnerman and Flaste's dialogue about how they felt after Globe.

I can't stop thinking about how easily I could draw a compelling parallel between the OVA version of Loni and the novel version Riddhe. They simply do not exist in the same universe. They both only ever passingly overhear the less interesting version of each other-- assuming they even notice the other as an individual at all, rather than just an enemy machine.

It's sad, isn't it?

I really like this visual. The hand motif strikes again...

The novel ends with Riddhe and Banagher both knocked out by the Banshee. It also reveals that Marida is the pilot, since Banagher senses her presence. The OVA places its cliffhanger a little earlier, right after the initial reveal.

I'm excited to watch the next one. We've hit the point where I feel like I'm starting to lose my "advantage", so to speak, in terms of knowing what's coming. It's exciting! I enjoy watching these a lot. Even when I dislike a change, I still like thinking and writing about it.

Sorry for the sheer length of this beast, and a huge thank you to the handful of dedicated Unicorn fans following me who are always excited and encouraging. Knowing anyone out there gets something out of these makes my day, and I appreciate your thoughtful responses. ✌️

I'm so glad to be done with novel six. Holy shit.

#remibloggue #gundam #gundam unicorn

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summersmithlatinxgyatt · 11 months ago

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So i don't know what to make of this, but I just had a sudden thought

The parasites from Total Rickall not only fester in memories but Rick literally tells everyone to not flashback

Previous Leon is able to do an almost identical thing with flashback insertions that distort the story. Note the proboscis, sort of like the entire body of the parasites

All I want to say is I think there's a connection. Previous Leon came through the fourth wall, though. The parasites are likely more like 'babies' while Leon is fully formed. More likely, the parasites we see already festered while we just see Leon CURRENTLY being a parasite. My theory is that they're from the same meta species

It's also interesting that a parasite that spreads out to conquer worlds is shown in an episode RIGHT AFTER we saw another viral entity that conquers planets - Unity. And not only does Unity interact with other world-conquering hive minds, but Rick says the memory parasites likely came in from the bottom of someone's shoe and then quickly throws shade at Summer, who was there with Morty and Rick previously

So they likely hitched a ride with them back on Earth. This is just the prototype of a parasite theory I realized today watching Total Rickall (FYI might edit something with Tinkles wehehe), let me know if I'm missing something or I'm onto something

#rick and morty #theory #rick and morty theory #headcanon

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burgercheese1812 · 2 years ago

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Part 2 of Camp Half blood’s unofficial meme page

Enjoy!

Caption: free labour ig 💀

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Caption: Like girl it is 8 am put those glowy green eyes away

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Caption: Haha comedy *has traumatic flashbacks*

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Caption:

first one is definitely why I have no love life,

last one almost got me turned into a grape,

and honestly whatever Chiron is getting paid is not enough

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Caption: they’ve stashed blankets all over camp

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Caption: and we’re so starved of parental praise that it works

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Caption: nothing in life is guaranteed, but as a demigod you can be sure of a quick one way trip to the underworld 😃

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Caption: fyi, it was not worth it.

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Caption: God of Thunder? God of the sea? Useless. No, there needs to be a god of therapy, for EVERYONE.

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Caption: I may be mentally and emotionally scarred but at least I have s’mores

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Part 3 (stay tuned! (no rly i have SO many more ideas))

<- Part 1

#heroes of olympus #poor annabeth #percy jackson #pjo memes #pjo fandom #pjo hcs #pjo #new memes #dankest memes #fresh memes #funny meme #stoll brothers #travis stoll #pjo annabeth #annabeth chase #this all happened #it is cannon #you can’t convince me otherwise

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beautifulenemychild · 1 year ago

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KotLC one shot

*deep inhale* I’m back people! I actually wrote part of this fic as an assessment for my English class lol. I added a lot more flourishes (and I mean a lot, this used to be one sheet of A4) and actually ended it properly! I’ll put it on ao3 at some point but I do not have an account! Once my request goes thorough, i’ll put it on there :). It’s a mix of Sophie ANGST (we love our angsty girl tho!) and some sokeefe fluff :3 (he is soo protective of her, it’s adorable). It’s also Sophie’s POV (first person) fyi :) Anyway, enjoy!!

We were in flames. Again. I could almost hear fintans cruel laugh as he leaped away. The never seen Crystal he and Ruy used was still here somewhere but it would have to wait. I turned to the flames again. And that’s when they hit. Flashbacks of Oblivimyre, San Diego, Verdi and I in the Everblaze and pain. So, so much pain. Old burns reawakened and I screamed, unable to stop myself from returning to that place. Black obscured my vision and my panic flared higher. The tiny coherent part of my brain was thankful that I refused to let Dex come with us. The harsh memory of burns climbing my arms felt like new even though Mr Forkle had done so much to repair them. For all I knew, they could be real and I could have been engulfed by the roaring orange fire. Another scream fell from my lips and I thrashed, trying to rid myself of bonds that hadn’t touched me for months.

A soft, blue breeze streaked across my consciousness but it wasn’t enough. The shade of blue was almost exactly the same as Fintan’s trademark, balefire and it only racked by body with more panic, pain and fear. More blue breezes ran across my mind, this time tempered with green and building to a gale pulling me together. It wasn’t a destructive hurricane, but a mending one, pulling me together and finally clearing my vision from the blackness. My frantic screams eased as did my trashing although I still trembled fiercely, fighting to keep the monster inside at bay. I cursed myself for letting Flori stay at home before remembering that Grady and Edaline would be left unprotected should she have left.

Tears ran through my eyelashes, coming thick and fast as the monster replayed more terrifying scenes from my past. Eternalia falling, Oblivimyre again but this time when we found Kenric missing, Oralie, Forkle’s death and Keefe running away. That’s what hurt most.

‘He left you’ the voice in my head whispered ‘He left you and didn’t care that you nearly shattered. He only pretends to care to take advantage of you.’

More sobs shuddered through me and the teal breezes could only do so much. Everything was a blur, but why could I not feel rough, painful asphalt beneath me? Now I was a little more focussed, my head began to clear and I could hear something. A name. My name.

‘Foster. Foster. FOSTER. FOSTER. FOSTER PLEASE. PLEASE SOPHIE. Sophie snap out of it, please. SOPHIE! FOSTER! LADY FOS-BOSS! Foster come on, wake up!’

I could feel shaking hands now, holding me. One on my back, one clutching my ungloved hand. At last, my eyes cleared properly and I could see. Keefe leaned over me, worry and fear distorting his features as he cradled me. He somehow still managed to look amazing, even while terrified and panicked.

‘Keefe?’ I whispered hoarsely.

‘Sophie. Thank the stars. I thought-‘ his voice broke. ‘I thought I lost you again.’ He sounded so scared and almost heartbroken. ‘Never mind. I knew it was a mistake letting you come here with- with him. Come on, I’m taking you back to Havenfield.’ Keefe sounded angry now. Protective. He started to pull me properly into his arms, as if he knew I was too weak to support myself.

‘No. Keefe, stop. I’m not going back home yet. I have to help. There could be humans here, I have to save them. The never seen don’t get to kill people just because I can’t handle a bit of fire like a weak little girl.’ I protested weakly but the determination in my words was there.

Keefe’s jaw locked. ‘You are in no shape to go rushing around saving people. Now, I don’t know what just happened but I do know that it was their fault. I didn’t know whether you would snap out of it, Sophie! You were thrashing around with your eyes wide open and screaming. It was all I could do to keep you from falling and hurting yourself more. And don’t say that you’re fine. I’m an empath, remember. I can feel everything you’re feeling right now and there were a few minutes where I didn’t know whether the panic and guilt would consume you. Let me help you for once. I’m trying to keep you safe and NOT SHATTERED’ he shouted the last words and I could see the regret in his eyes as I flinched.

‘They don’t get to control me, Keefe. I can take care of my own sanity. I know my limits.’ I was stronger now, the breezes he was still sending me helped too. He was right though, I was still shaking badly and I likely needed medical attention based on the pain I could feel blossoming in my arm and head. Either way, pain or no pain, I was still conscious so I was still able to help in some way.

‘Foster, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You’ve been working yourself to the ground these past few weeks and I can tell you haven’t been sleeping either.’ He was right, of course. The nightmares had been unbearable and anytime I tried to sleep they always woke me within the hour. My dark circles definitely were in a league of their own despite the makeup I had been applying to cover them and not worry anybody. Keefe could always tell.

‘And the way you just looked away from me confirms it. Sophie, please, you need to rest. You need Elwin. I’m guessing you’ve been avoiding him so that he wouldn’t notice how little you’ve been sleeping? I know it’s hard but please, you have to take care of yourself before you can save everyone else. And before you say anything, Marella is trying to contain the flames now and Fitz hailed Alden. He should be here any second with quicksnuff (?) and frissyn. The humans will be safe. You need Elwin’ he repeated. I hadn’t noticed before but fear was laced through his words. Keefe was scared. But for what? And then it clicked. He was scared of losing me. That made me feel even worse, I hated people worrying because of me.

I hid behind my hair, embarrassed.

‘No. I have to stay, make sure that we didn’t miss anything. I’m not letting innocent humans be in danger because of me. And I thought you would understand, Keefe, I can’t let them control me like this! I can’t be just a defenceless little moonlark who collapses every time she sees fire.’ I replied, aware of how insufferably stubborn I was being.

Keefe sighed mixed with an annoyed growl in the back of his throat. He did know, though. So he helped me back up to my feet and held me close, tenderly kissing my forehead. ‘I’m taking you straight to the healing centre after this, my stubborn Lady Fos-Boss.’

This time, I sighed ‘Fine, Lord Hunkyhair.’

Keefe cracked a smile at that. It was small, but enough. Strength suddenly coursed through me and my knees buckled slightly. Keefe curled his arm around my waist and looked around to see who was responsible.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just Fitz. He’s sending me a bit of energy.’ I said to calm him.

Keefe nodded.

I heard running footfalls behind me and I turned, throwing stars already in hand, half expecting to find another member of the never seen or a rouge ogre.

Fitz smirked as he slowed to stand by us.

‘Did I miss the Sokeefe snuggle fest?’ He teased.

It relaxed me to see him joke about me and Keefe.

‘Aww, do you feel left out Fitzy? Come here, I’ll give you a cuddle,’ Keefe replied, leaning towards him but not letting go of my hand.

Fitz laughed and took a step back ‘Noo way loverboy! Dad will be here in a minute, he’s trying to find a crystal where we are. Sophie, I’m guessing you have quicksnuf?’

I handed him the cube that I’d forced Dex to make me after our last disastrous training session. Thank goodness for Sandor’s quick thinking.

Fitz’s smile faded as he noticed something on my arm. ‘Uhh, what happened?’ He said, gesturing to my right arm.

‘What do you mea-‘ I glanced over at my arm and saw a bruise the size of my face covering my forearm. ‘Whoa. Keefe, I think I get why you were freaking out now.’

Fitz scrunched his brow ‘Why was Keefe freaking out? He never freaks out?’

Keefe raised his eyebrows and glanced quickly at me.

‘Oh. I’ll ask later.’ Fitz mumbled. ‘Anyway, Marella is trying her best but the fire won’t obey her and she doesn’t know why.’

I cursed. ‘Of COURSE he thought of everything. Ughh! Fitz, throw the cube, would you?’

He nodded and hurled the box right into the middle of the inferno.

Powder exploded everywhere and a disgruntled screech sounded from the flames.

All three of us winced as Marella shouted ‘YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME IDIOTS!’

‘Sorry!’ I called back. It wasn’t all bad though, the raging flames were finally calming.

‘Thank god the quicksnuff worked’ I whispered, leaning against Keefe.

‘And now, we are going to Elwin.’ He said, gently pulling me closer and planting a kiss on my forehead.

‘Ughh fiiiiiine’ I groaned, but I didn’t move this time.

#KotLC #sophiefoster #sokeefe #It’s teeth rottingly sweet omg #Fire #Sophie foster x keefe scencen #keeper of the lost cities #angst #sophie angst #Foster #fluffy #fluff #oneshot #fic #cute

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bugsbenefit · 2 years ago

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the water motif in s1

i know watergate is a thing we talk about regularly but going through s1 again it's crazy how consistent that theme of water = uh oh, is

there's quite a few posts about it but i just want to go over all of the moments just in s1 alone again (i'll probably do individual posts for the later seasons when i get to them, but i think s1 is generally the most egregious season with it anyways)

instances and images under the cut because i'm serious there's an obscene amount of times this motif comes up

the shot of the lab worker getting dragged up the elevator and killed in the opener of the show gets intercepted by the Wheeler's sprinkler system as we hardcut to Mike's campaign

2. Hopper showers right before taking smoking, taking pills, And drinking simultaneously (also moments before he gets the news of Will's disappearance)

3. Benny washes dishes Right before the lab workers show up and he is killed (sc is of where you can read the captions describing the action instead of a few seconds later where you can see him do so we have some caps in some of these images lmao)

4. it starts lightly raining when the party get to "Mirkwood" where Will dissappeared and then full on starts pouring right before they find El and get dragged into the UD mess

5. after hooking up with a random woman again Hopper stands outside his trailer looking out at the lake while there's constant water sloshing noises in the bg of the dialogue (not subtitled), meanwhile he rejects the woman's advances and talks about feeling cursed (trauma moment poor guy)

6. infamously, Steve's pool, as Barb dies (she also literally dies IN the pool here, oh girl :c)

7. obviously Will's "body" being found in the quarry

8. after Hopper breaks into the lab and gets drugged. he wakes up in his now bugged home and runs outside first thing, where we get another great shot of the lake next to his house, again with the water sounds too

9. Lonnie showers at the Byers' while Joyce finds the papers in his bag confirming he just came back for monetary gain

10. El's constant traumatic flashbacks of the lab where we get to see "the bath", not including Every shot here because it happens more than once

11. now Nancy takes a shower while having flashbacks to her encounter with the Demogorgon that almost killed her

12. El looks at her reflection in the water while she's hiding out in the forest and breaks down/freaks out screaming at her reflection and disturbing the water

13. Mike at the quarry right before he almost dies if it weren't for El's interference (i haven't included the shot of Hopper standing at the quarry talking about how a fall in would be deadly since it's before Will's body is found there and Mike almost dies in there for real, since it would take up even more space here and is already on theme with setting tragedy up)

14. when the party all catches each other up to date Hopper tells everyone that the gate to the UD in the lab is "near a large watertank"

15. El washes her face, feeling bad for not being able to find Will or Barb, and seconds before deciding to ignore her fear and face the void again by setting up a new "bath" for her to use her powers

16. said "bath" itself, obviously, which already causes her great distress but is also from where she sees Barb's dead body

17. Will using the bathroom sink right after coughing up the UD creature and right before he has an actual flash to the UD itself

18. also every instance of El visiting the void, which exclusively consists of the water floor (during which she's not only scared each time but also mainly consists of moments like finding the Demogorgon or a dead Barb)

19. also the fact that anyone in the UD is extremely wet, which we see anytime we get shots of Will or Barb there

like. the amount of times this happens it crazy. i also didn't leave out any water moments and just cherry picked the "bad" ones. this is literally all of them. (fyi, i don't have one establishing lake-shot of Hopper's cabin in here because there's already so many images, but Hopper's cabin is associated with water in general every time were there. something bad also happens every time we're there so i guess it evens out)

also fun detail, i wouldn't include it in the actual list but i just think it's too funny to not mention at all: when the kids hide out in the bus at the car junk yard (the same the kids also hide in with Steve during s2) Brenner's men show up. and when one of them turns to finally check out the bus the camera turns and suddenly there's no cars on screen anymore and just Boats

literally just boats

which is Really funny tbh. i wouldn't count it as an actual watergate moment, but this is also the closest they could get to hint at their water motif without having the guy chug water while hunting kids or having another spontaneous rainstorm start

i just want to know where they're going with their overall water theme SOOO bad, it's been so prominent since s1, it clearly seems to be associated with bad things happening. but also the fact that there are no bodies of water in the UD (while everything is still wet and or gooey??)

I NEED TO KNOWWW LET ME IN

#st rewatch time #stranger things #watergate #this is seriously one of the wildest reocurring motifs the show has #like what do you mean #why are you so weird about water #it's just water #why are we demonizing it so bad #why is there no water in the UD #just. what?

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sparksnevadas · 2 years ago

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Oh my god I’m so normal about this chapter Sparks I am soooooooooooo normal. Incredibly normal. Oh my god. Look at me I’m so normal. The way you used the flashbacks to slip back and forth between them talking about their plan and what really happened was SO good it’s one of my favorite things in writing. AUGH.

And also just. KERALIS! DOC! AUGH. Their powers are so COOL and I love them so much. You got their voices so well. Keralis is such a Guy. The SHADOWS are so COOL augh. And the METAL form Doc augh yes yes yes. They are so. You got em in one.

Also I have to say it again, so sorry, but why is Scar holding Doc hot what did you put in the water dearest SparksNevadas.

And then Mumbo and Grian having to remember to use their code names over their real names is so. The way Grian almost slips up. The way him and Mumbo work to get back to Scar but Mumbo is more worried about Grian in the moment. They make me WEAK. GOD.

Keralis calling Grian chicken nugget is absolutely sending me. Fyi. Oh my god that’s so funny. I love your keralis so much. And Doc being Ducky I just. Keralisisms give me life and you write them SO well.

And the way everyone goes back to their weird semi-friendly but only sort of rivalry they have when Grian passes out is so interesting to me. The dynamic is everything. The fact that Doc is more worried about the party being ruined than anything. AUGH.

Scar calling Doc ‘Doctor Hothead’ is ALSO hilarious im. Head in hands its just so funny. Especially considering he’s trying to negotiate an alliance I think it really speaks to Scar’s charm as a person that he gets away with that nickname in this scene tbh. I just. It’s so cool to see Scar be so in control and then to lose that control when Keralis revealed that little scrap of paper. THEY’RE BROTHERS. AUGH. CUB. AUGH. AND THE FACT THAT RENS THERE TOO WHAT IF I JUST FLOATED DOWN A RIVER AUUUUUUUUGH! AND MUMBO DOESN’T GET WHY THE BROTHER THING IS SUCH A BIG DEAL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH WHAT IF I SCREAMED!!!! ITS!!!! THE WAY YOU WRITE IT IS SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH

The description of Scar’s office is fascinating too – it paints such a picture of him as a character. How he has all the stuff about him and mayor but then he has those two honest photos of cub on the wall its. He’s painting a certain picture of himself but then also like, displaying this honest relationship he has w cub as his brother im. AUGH. AGONY.

AND THEN THE SCARIAN KISS. The way it happened. The way Grian just basically said fuck it and went for it im. THEY. AUGH. AGONY BUT LIKE GOOD AGONY. Clawing at the walls of my enclosure I have waited so long and I need everyone to know that SPARKS MANAGED NOT TO LET IT SLIP OUT AT ALL. THEY KEPT THAT COMPLETELY A SURPRISE. THAT’S SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. AAAAAUGH ITS SO SWEET AND SOFT AND I CAN JUST SEE IT IN MY MINDS EYE AND IT. ITS EVERYTHING IVE HOPED FOR FROM THE MOMENT I STARTED READING GIHASM. AUGGGGH. IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CH GOOD CH!!!!

oh my god belle this is a whole essay and a half, dude,,, (<3)

you dont need to be normal about the chapter. please be abnormal with me,,

that little experimental flashback and such was decided very last minute! i thought it was too soon to reveal ren last chapter where it was supposed to go, and honestly, good decision methinks. :) I liked having doc be just a big metal guy. thought about giving him a redstone power like others but i think its neat if his whole arm was partially constructed by his own power. a metal mobility aid :) I DIDNT THINK THAT IT WAS--- I AM SPRAYING YOU WITH WATER!!!

they love each other SO much. i like making all the characters feel human so i give them little quirks and slip ups-- something im so worried about myself doing irl that i barely speak lmao. of course its hard to switch to a new name when you still use the old name in private. and of course, mumbo isnt usually on the scene for fights, and he's never really seen grian fight too much, so he doesnt really get it that grians bleeding and continuing to fight. im rambling, anyways--

the thing about keralis is that he says the weirdest things. even trying to write him, he'd still manage to say weirder things in videos. he's such a Guy

Doc immediately calls a time out basically. he sighs and lets them wash off grians wings, and then keralis leads them to his office where hes been stewing about his bruised pride. he's a silly wet cat

who knew such a big persona could be brought down with a piece of paper smaller than a finger?

he loves his brother. if theres anything you should knoow about scar, is that cub is his pride. i mean. he got the city to fund a statue of them, of course he loves him. he loves cub so so so much for what theyve been through. he cant wait to annoy him over board game night and never complain about his cooking ever again.

I WANTED IT TO BE A SURPRISE!!! :D i kept telling everyone they were going to come kill me after the chapter (mostly, yknow, about the cub thing) but in the back of my head i was just >:3c and wait until you get to that last scene, my pretties

i mean, ash @polyamquackity was live reacting to me in the dms and i KNEW exactly when they got to it because he just texted

which was exactly the reaction i wanted everyone to have :) Got a lot less dts (/friendly) than i was expecting though!

#its belle!#talking to friends #gihasm

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terrinakamura · 2 years ago

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Is reading easier than writing? ✍️ IRL friend @Tim_Hughes1 👫 published his 2nd edition of Social Selling📖 & it turned out great! I hope you’ll check it out🕵️‍♀️! There’s a lot of new content & he worked hard to make it happen. (It gave me flashbacks to when I revised my book for the hardbound edition 🤪.) Meanwhile, I now wonder if reading could become more challenging than writing 🤔? Two weeks ago, I wrote about ChatGPT, an AI tool capable of writing almost anything. It passed the Wharton School MBA exam👩‍🎓, & scored in the 52nd percentile on the SAT📈. The more time I spend using it, the more mind-boggling it is🤯. I’ve generated outlines, gathered research & drafted documents that I use in my client work. (NOTE: All information should be reviewed for accuracy!) INDISPENSIBLE AI APPS I USE: 🧠OTTER.AI— Record interviews or meetings & transcribe to text, including the ID of various speakers. 🧠GRAMMARLY— I use it to fine-tune essential writing projects. It evaluates for tone & audience, context, grammar, spelling, & punctuation. 🧠GOOGLE ASSISTANT— I use it throughout the day. It’s the 4th member of our family & often joins in during dinner. 🧠ZOOM—Zoom uses AI to continually improve & it now offers “intelligent conversational live chat” customer assistance. Haven’t tried it, but, Um. OK. We shall see. We probably aren’t always aware of AI’s presence in our lives. If you use Lensa, other face-altering apps, or Microsoft’s Azure, you’re using AI too! What do you think? Are you excited🥳 or apprehensive😲? Is AI good👍 or bad👎? . . FYI: ▶️Instagram #Meaculpa:📱IG says it screwed up by pushing Reels & video on us. Will photo lovers & photographers who fled to other apps forgive it 🙏& come back? ▶️To try ChatGPT: https://openai.com/, click “Try” at the top of the window. . . PHOTOS 🖼️: Me impersonating #ExtraordinaryAttorneyWoo #WooYoungWoo #SocialSelling #Paperback; #BloggingonInstagram #postitnotes edits for #hardbound; #silvertabby #Greycat; #firsttimeauthor with #hardback; #70s #polaroidphoto; #ChatGPT #AI #OpenAI . BOOKNOTES 📕: Warm hugs & thanks to @MichaelMogelgaard, David & Carol Nakamura, & Melissa Nakamura . . . (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn8y7fWOMYS/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#meaculpa #extraordinaryattorneywoo #wooyoungwoo #socialselling #paperback #bloggingoninstagram #postitnotes #hardbound #silvertabby #greycat #firsttimeauthor #hardback #70s #polaroidphoto #chatgpt #ai #openai

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orewantstobattle · 1 month ago

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i am glad i dont have such intrusive flashbacks of amanda as much. it took so much of me leaning on my support system but i am finally almost out of that tunnel. bc there was so many memories i repressed. because i was trying so hard to meet them where they were at while ignoring my own needs and once i had processed it all omg it came out the floodgates.

but fyi if you are still mutuals with them pls stop giving me "updates" bc i really dont wanna know stuff about their life thank you. its also really none of my business

#ore is speaking to the void #positive ore thoughts

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infinityyrp · 3 months ago

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I just got blocked before I even had a chance to explain myself. Yes I do NOT do pedophilia of any kind, and YES I won't do anything under legal age of consent or under what has already been done in a damn TV show with vampires because sometimes that's required to fit the fuckin StoryLine(minus the smut during that time cuz I aint doing it). WE ARE ADULTS!!! OUR RL AGES SHOULD BE CONSIDERED IN ALL WE DO, If I'm 29 and wanna rp a 17-18 year old for the purpose of a StoryLine, I'm gonna do that. Just like an ACTOR OR ACTRESS will ACT as a 17-18 year old in a fucking vampire/supernatural TV show. Sometimes younger but I will NOT go younger than 18 the majority of the time unless it's a flashback or something! FYI, If you'd ask, you'd know that.

And TO ME anything under 17 is considered DEEP pedophilia. Am I wrong? 17 is the legal age of consent almost anywhere BUT I WONT ROLEPLAY SMUT or any ROMANCE UNLESS THE CHARACTERS ARE 18+ (for me i prefer 21+). Or both 17 at the time and only fluff will take place. NO SMUT.

ROLEPLAY SHOULD BE FUN— Your IRL morals should NOT effect a fuckin fictional story and I stand on that. If that's the case, why do we read dark romance novels and shit? Ridiculous to think that way but okay.

I have a CHILD. I am NOT gonna roleplay no child grape shit, cuz that's not my M.O, which I also stated in my ad. NO SMUT will be played with my UNDERAGE CHARACTERS. And I don't HAVE any underage characters anyway LMAO. Sometimes my characters ages range from 18-25 DEPENDING ON THE STORYLINE, if we wanna really get technical. But aside from flashbacks my character is usually set at age 21.

Also MINORS DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME! no one under 21+ and I PREFER 25+.

You wanna jump to fuckin conclusions without asking questions first. Sometimes this roleplay community is hella toxic.

I don't know how anything in my ad was considered a kink for age play? Thats SICK. Again, I have a child and you falsly accusing people of kinks is wild, especially at our grown ass age. You could have had an adult conversation with me instead of running your mouth then proceeding to block me before i had a chance to reply.

You're assuming, and that's literally making an ass out of yourself.

Don't worry boo. I don't wanna follow someone like you anyway. You thought you ate. You did NOT. good luck finding a rp partner. And I was kind enough to not put your info publicly, because you don't deserve any type of hate that may come your way. You have preferences just like the next and I respect that. But what I do NOT respect is a mf assuming shit about me and my kinks when you don't know me at all, never written with me before and none of my kinks were even stated in my ad. LMAO

THIS IS A PSA TO EVERY FUTURE PARTNER OR PERSON WANTING TO DISCUSS ROLEPLAY.

GEt your facts straight before coming at me with assumptions that you didn't even care to let me elaborate on. (Don't worry I fixed it in my ad now though to avoid another person like this.)

Anyway, I'm a cool ass person and a great writer and I hope to get more great partners soon!

I wish this person luck on their search, just like I wish all of us luck on our searches!

The roleplay community can be toxic,and for the most part it is, but we shouldn't let that stop us from enjoying writing. There's a partner out there for all of us though! I hope we find exactly what we are looking for! ♥️🤞🏼✨️

#roleplay rant #roleplay partners #discord rp

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cbrownjc · 6 months ago

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I can see that. But honestly, if the bookcase scene is in this episode, then that means . . . all the preview trailers leading up to the premier have really shown us nothing when it comes to Episode 2x07 and Episode 2x08 (except for maybe one bloody shot of Louis).

And that is kind of insane.

Because there is a shot in the promo for episode 2x04 that I, at first, assumed was from episode 2x08, but then was told was in episode 2x06 but now appears to be in episode 2x04! (FYI, it's the museum scene, with Armand using the cloud gift to get to the top level and Dreamstat laughing -- mockingly -- at something Armand says).

And now there is talk that we might really see both versions of the trial this season, starting in 2x06 . . .

. . . I'm beginning to wonder if the structure I originally thought Season 2 would be presented in -- with the false trial being shown first, around mid-season-- might actually be what we are dealing with here.

This would mean that somewhere in episode 2x04 we would maybe end with the false trial beginning to start. Like them -- Louis, Claudia, and Madeline -- being taken away to it. But then the bookcase event happens, which leads to Daniel almost getting hurt. (Or . . . maybe he does get hurt . . . but not to the point where it's fatal [of course], but enough so that he has to rest for a day or two instead of just leaving?)

Anyway, all this leads to Daniel asking Louis (a bit later) what the hell happened between them back in 1973 -- or maybe even Daniel remembering something from back then himself -- setting up the flashback to those events from 1973 that will be shown starting in 2x05.

And the reason why one person needed this second interview to happen -- which at the moment I'm still guessing is Louis -- is revealed by the end of that episode.

And so then maybe Episode 2x06 is the episode that had Louis and Daniel going over Louis' false memories about the trial . . . but including unlocking his real memories about the fight in 1x05 and Mardi Gras murder night from 1x07.

When then leads into Episode 2x07 which will be showing the real trial.

I have to say . . . doing it all this way would make it very clear (to those who haven't read the books) what Armand has been obfuscating in the present day, but leaving the reveal of it all until almost the end of the season to. But this way you can still fit in showing both versions of the trial and not have to save one of them until next season to emphasize that fact.

umm they are watcing the episode 4 right now in Austin and it looks like daniel is wearing that shirt where the library falls on him WHAT DOES THAT MEAN JESUS CHRIST

:)) I saw.

I mean… Dubai is only a few days in total. Maybe that‘ll happen soon… We’ll find out soon^^

#waiting to see if anyone spills the beans about 2x04 now #if no one does by the end of the day on Friday then I am FOR SURE avoiding the internet on Saturday #and won't be back until I see the episode for myself #Interview with the Vampire #amc iwtv #iwtv #iwtv Season 2 speculation #iwtv Season 2 #iwtv episode 2x04 #Louis de Pointe du Lac #Armand #The Vampire Armand #Daniel Molloy

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sagasofazeria · 3 years ago

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Stories of the Past

Song of the Seven Suns, Part 7

Summary: The gang recovers from their battle with Dymea, and head back to Koretion to celebrate their victory. Stories are shared.

Taglist (just ask to be added/removed!): @hellishhin @talesfromaurea @thelaughingstag

content warnings: slavery/child slavery, kidnapping, torture, swearing and strong language, alcohol, violence, blood, gore, death, discussion of trauma/childhood trauma, child abandonment

word count: ~6500

The clouds had finally broken, and the newly risen sun was beginning to burn off the mist and rain of the night.

As the warmth of day spilled onto the scorched camp, it found the five companions beaten, battered, exhausted, and covered in mud and blood, yet victorious all the same.

Jetra knelt silently at the top of the hill, staring at the corpse of the woman who’d killed her father. Tears were falling in rivers down her face as she gripped the hilt of her blade and pulled it free from Dymea’s skull.

Dymea’s last words would haunt her, but she’d done it. After 3 years of anguish & anger, it was done. Just like that, she was dead. Jetra had no idea how to feel, her mind was fuzzy and blank. Where did she even go from here?

Before she figured that out, though, she decided it was time to enjoy a well-earned victory, preferably with a lot of wine and a good song.

She stood, flicking the blood and brains off of her sword, and limped her way down the hill to where the rest of the group was waiting.

The others were all gathered around a large rock that jutted out of the hillside, leaning against it and breathing hard. Alejandro was grimacing in pain, holding his arm as Faulkron helped him stand, and Jetra ran to him first.

“What happened?” she asked hurriedly, seeing the wound.

“Oh nothing,” he chuckled. “Just a... agh, a spear through the shoulder. It’s not a big problem,” he said. “I’ll be fine. Heal the others.”

Jetra stared at him, incredulous. “Um, excuse me? You can barely move your arm because there’s a huge godsdamned hole in it. Shut up and let me work.”

Alejandro grunted but did as he was told, and Jetra placed her hand on his shoulder, channeling as much magic as she could. Her magic welled up inside her, waiting to flow out. and as she released it, she hummed the first song that came to mind without thinking.

She found herself humming the song her father would always sing to her mother when he returned home safe from an adventure, when they would all dance on the roof and laugh and sing and smile. She could see it painfully clearly, and her heart ached with loss and joy at once.

As the magic faded, Jetra shook herself out of her memories. She felt tears threaten to fall again, but she sniffled them away before they could, and smiled at Alejandro, hoping he hadn’t noticed. She’d save crying for later.

“Better?” she asked.

“Sí, gracias,” he said, rotating his arm a little bit. He winced slightly, but the only thing remaining was some rough scar tissue, and he assured her he’d be fine.

She moved over to the others, kneeling next to Fuego, who was still grimacing, his normal exuberant energy gone. “Fuego, are you all right?”

“I’m mostly okay, thanks to you. I’m pretty sore though, so I wouldn’t mind a bit of magic,” he smiled weakly.

Jetra looked up at Shakari, who was sprawled against the sun-warmed side of the boulder, holding in one hand a dagger that was jammed between the large scales on their chest.

“Shakari, are you okay? Do you—“

Jetra never finished her sentence, only able to watch with mouth agape as Shakari took a deep breath and pulled the dagger free with a growl.

Shakari turned to Jetra again. “I’ll be fine, spend your magic on him,” she said through gritted teeth as she tossed the blade aside.

Jetra hurriedly closed her mouth and nodded, letting the last of her magical energy flow into Fuego, and he took his first real deep breath since the battle.

“Thanks.”

“Of course, friend.”

Fuego smiled at her before pushing himself to his feet.

“Well, I gotta go find my sword and make sure all these fires are out,” he said as he stood and stretched.

Shakari nodded, standing as well. “I can help.”

They walked off, and the other three turned to each other.

“We need to free the prisoners and bring them back to Koretion as soon as we can,” Alejandro said, quickly walking towards the nearest cage.

While he and Faulkron broke locks, gathering the people near the entrance to the camp, Jetra searched the slavers’ corpses for a key. Finally finding one, she rejoined the other two in freeing the people.

As they scoured the camp, she was mortified to see how many people were imprisoned. She was glad to have gotten rid of the slavers, but she knew this would leave a wound, both with the people who would return and the people who wouldn’t.

Once they’d freed the rest of the exhausted but relieved prisoners, Jetra addressed them all where they had gathered at the bottom of the hill, taking a deep breath and composing herself.

“Good people! There’s no need to worry any longer, we’re here to help you. We’re going to bring you back to Koretion. You can rest soon,” she said, using a bit of magic to make her voice slightly louder over the confused whispers and relieved cries of the freed people.

One older dwarven woman stepped forward from the crowd, and many of the others seemed to pause, looking at her with a flash of respect in their eyes. “We owe you an enormous thanks, heroes. Who... who are you?”

Jetra looked to either side of her. Faulkron and Alejandro stood to her left, still bruised and bloodied themselves. Alejandro had a distant look in his eyes, and Faulkron was breathing deeply with arms crossed, taking in the victory even as he squinted in the sun.

Fuego and Shakari were approaching from her right, giving a signal that all the fires were out. Fuego was smiling, and jogged up to them eagerly. Shakari took their time, looking to the sky with a relieved expression of their own.

Jetra took the necklace with the blue moon symbol from around her neck, and showed it to the woman.

“Just a group of people in the right place at the right time,” she said with a smile.

The woman looked at the pendant, and there was a spark of recognition in her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I was hoping,” she said, and pulled back a tattered sleeve to reveal a small blue moon tattoo on her forearm, mostly obscured by thick hair. It was a symbol Jetra knew well.

Jetra smiled back. “Let’s get you all home.”

The woman nodded, and the five companions began to lead the people back through the hills.

•••

When they returned to Koretion, they were greeted with cheers and tears of joy, as families, friends, and lovers were reunited.

They were called heroes many times that morning, and Faulkron didn’t know what to do with it.

Was he a hero? It felt good to be called that, but he wasn’t certain he had really been a hero, whatever that even meant. He’d really only come for the money. Or at least, that’s what it had been at first. Over the last few days, he’d seen so many people full of fear and despair. Now he only saw joy, and he felt a weight lifted off of his own chest as well. A satisfaction he hadn’t felt before.

The whole town was celebrating as they walked up the side of the quarry to the guard post. People were dancing in the streets, music was being played, stories of their victory were already being told and songs were being sung. The mines were empty and the town alive, as the dreary gray of Koretion became a colorful joy, banners put up and braziers lit to welcome the lost home.

Even as they entered the militia building, there were people thanking the newly crowned heroes.

Jetra led them through the curtain to the militia captain’s room. Horakes greeted them eagerly as they entered.

“So you’ve done it? They’re gone?”

Jetra nodded, smiling wide. “They are. Dymea is dead. We did it, Horakes, we fucking did it. We’re gonna need some medical attention, ‘cause magic only does so much, but until then, yes, we did it. I’ve avenged him.”

Horakes nodded and smiled, though Faulkron noticed his eyes did not hold the same joy and relief as Jetra’s. There was something else hidden within them that wasn't quite the elation of victory, though he did not know what.

“I’m proud of you, kid. I assume these are your allies?” he asked, turning to the rest of them.

Faulkron nodded to him. “That would be us.”

“I assume you’re here for your pay?” Horakes asked, reaching onto his belt for a bag of coins.

Faulkron nodded, thanking him as he handed Faulkron the money.

“Of course, whatever it takes to save my city,” he said with a bow.

Jetra nodded back. “Thanks, Horakes,” she said, before turning to the rest of the group. “Now I do believe it’s time to go enjoy this victory, yeah?”

“Oh gods, I’m so hungry you have no idea. Let’s go,” Fuego said earnestly, already starting to head out the door.

He was cut off suddenly by a halfling woman with wild curly hair, dressed in healer’s robes with her hands on her hips.

“Uh-uh, I don’t think so. Each and every one of you is injured, and I’m not lettin’ the heroes of the town celebrate all day just to drop dead because of internal bleeding. Get over here,” she commanded, clearly not taking no for an answer, beginning to prepare bandages and medical supplies.

•••

That afternoon, after they’d been well tended to, they were welcomed with cheers and smiles back to the Bedrock & Breakfast.

They were quickly surrounded by grateful townsfolk and awestruck children, the tavern full to nearly bursting.

As the day wore on, it was easy to see that Jetra was truly in her element now. The children’s mouths hung open in rapt interest as she told them a grand, if simplified, tale of their adventure, Fuego occasionally jumping in with his own inputs.

When the tale was done, the children, as well as many of the adults, eagerly requested another story.

So she told another, a popular folktale to which no one knew the ending. She brought her stories to life in front of her, dancing colors and illusions acting out every word.

For much of the evening, they told stories to the crowd. When Jetra wasn’t weaving her epic tales, Fuego told some stories of his own. Standing on the table, he regaled the bar with sagas of sorcerer-kings and distant islands, even some of which he claimed were his own adventures. While Jetra’s stories were dramatic and evocative, Fuego’s were loud and grandiose, and filled with enough enticing details you might’ve thought he was adding more even as he told the tale. In between stories, Jetra led the celebrating townsfolk in songs and dances. With enough pestering, and a little help from the wine, she even convinced the rest of the group to join her as they danced around the bar.

When asked well into the afternoon if he would tell a story too, Faulkron simply shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t have many grand tales to share. My life until now has been rather boring--”

“Azbolutely not! You’re cool! Tell us! Tell us!” One of the kids demanded, standing to emphasize her point.

The other children began to murmur in agreement, and eventually most of the bar was encouraging him to share a story. Faulkron chuckled, sighing. “Alright, alright. I might have one story.”

“Yay!” cheered the first kid, plopping back down on the rug that had been laid out.

“It’s the story of where I’m from, and how I got there.”

“Oooh, that sounds good! Tell us!”

“Okay, here goes...”

•••

Nearly three and a half decades earlier, and an ocean away, in the middle of the dry plains of the Unterras...

Ardos had been up far too late, far too often these last few cycles. Jamie, his oldest cow, was sick again, and he was starting to worry. It’d only been getting worse despite his efforts, and he wasn’t certain she’d make it to a temple this time if it came down to that.

Just before he could justify closing his eyes and drifting off, he heard a crash and the noises of startled livestock. Ardos jolted out of drowsiness and reached for the nearest thing resembling a weapon. He fumbled around for a second before finally finding purchase on his pitchfork.

Holding it out in front of him like a spear, he searched all through the house, but couldn’t find the source of the sound.

Then, he heard the unmistakable sound of a blade being drawn, and battle. He rushed outside to find the door to his stable broken in. He slowly approached, hands shaking and white-knuckled as he gripped the pitchfork, the sounds of swordfighting ringing from inside. When he reached the shattered door, he peered around the corner as far as he dared.

Inside, an elven man in unfamiliar garb was dueling a cloaked figure in equally unfamiliar white robes, their curved blades flashing in the moonlight.

Before Ardos could react, he watched the elf slash the other figure down, blood spattering across the ground as the horses whinnied. Ardos watched in shock as the corpse hit the ground, eyes lifeless.

The elven man’s ears swiveled at the sound of Ardos’ gasp, and he turned to Ardos with a rushed intensity. He began to speak rapidly in an unfamiliar tongue, before clearly realizing that Ardos couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

“I trust we both understand Common?” he quickly asked, grimacing in pain.

Ardos nodded, before finally noticing the wound on his chest.

“Oh my gods. Do you need help? I ca-“

“No. There is no time. You must listen to me,” he said, revealing a small bundle of colorful cloth. Ardos stared at it for a moment, puzzled, before the man turned it to show that within was a baby.

“Please. Raise my son. Keep him safe,” he said, panting and coughing. “I cannot protect him, but you can. I saw you. You care a lot about your animals, and I know you’d protect them,” he said. He gestured to the pitchfork Ardos had dropped. “Please, care for my son. I cannot, but you can.”

Ardos paused, then nodded, and the man handed him the child.

Then, the elf leaned in and whispered something to Ardos. What the father whispered that night, the baby would never hear, as Ardos nodded, staring down at the baby in his hands, and realizing his life just changed forever.

The elf stepped back. “Keep him safe.”

Then, the man ran off into the night, leaving Ardos to raise the child.

•••

The children sat around, mouths agape as Faulkron finished telling the story of his adoption.

“That’s how Ardos always said it happened, anyway. And he never did tell me what the warning was, as much as I annoyed him about it.”

“Hey mister sword man, sir? That wasn’t very boring, you were wrong,” the little girl said.

Faulkron smiled. “Well, it’s about the only story I have that isn’t, so I can’t do any more.”

Some of the other children were whispering, discussing the story in hushed awe. An older kid spoke up, scratching their head.

“Wait a minute, where did the man go?” he asked.

Faulkron waved to the mother as she cringed and attempted to shush her kid. “It’s fine, it’s fine.” Then he turned to the kid. “I don’t know where he is, to be honest. I’m not certain I want to know, though. He’s been gone long enough I don’t think it matters anymore, whatever his reasons were.”

The kid nodded, sitting back, deep in thought.

After Faulkron’s story, the tavern began to clear out, leaving the companions to themselves as the townsfolk began to return to their homes.

A few cups of wine (courtesy of the barkeep’s appreciation of the booming business), and after a while they were all reclining around a table, the day’s wounds and struggle forgotten for the moment.

Fuego grinned at them all, wine in hand. “I have to say, that plan went pretty damn well. We should do that more often.”

“Hey, you know I’m always up for a bit of righteous arson, my friend,” Jetra laughed, taking another drink.

“Agreed, we all made a pretty good team,” Alejandro said, raising his glass.

Fuego’s grin widened. “To ass well kicked, my friends.” He knocked his cup against Alejandro’s as they all joined in, laughter spilling out as if a dam had broken.

As their laughter quieted down, Shakari let out a long sigh. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”

The rest of the group all nodded and muttered agreements.

Faulkron felt that strange feeling bubbling up again. Victory, success... and something else. He looked around at all these people. Not only his companions, but the barkeep, the tavern patrons. He knew he’d outlive most of them, all of them who weren’t elves. Wasn’t what he did inconsequential, then? That would make sense, but it didn’t feel that way. He had changed a part of the world today, and for the better. He had to admit, it did feel good, and he found himself smiling along with the people he had started daring to call friends.

He realized that in the swirl of confusion and new feelings, he'd forgotten about the money they’d earned.

He grabbed the coins, and they split it as they finished their drinks.

After the coin had been shared, Jetra sat back and pulled out her harp again. She had drunk the most wine out of all of them, and her eyes had begun to glass over. After a long beat of silence, she started to play a simple melody, the notes falling like water in a gentle stream, an easiness settling over all of them as Jetra wordlessly played. They sat for a while in silence, just listening to the music.

Not long after the song had finished, as the final straggling townsfolk left the tavern, Shakari stood. “I’m going to go rest. This... was a good day. Sleep in peace, friends.”

As they disappeared into their room, Jetra stood as well, stumbling slightly. “Yeah. Thanks again... means a lot. When I’m not, uh, super fuckin’ drunk, I’ll explain more.. but I’m gonna go pass out.”

They all nodded, and she walked away.

The others sat for a while, each lost in their own thoughts, before Fuego stood too.

“I should head to sleep too, doctor’s orders... we didn’t do half bad.” He clapped Faulkron on the shoulder twice, then hopped off of his chair and took his leave, walking off to his room with a smile.

After a few minutes of content silence, Faulkron suddenly realized he was more or less alone with Alejandro again.

“Thank you for saving my life,’ Alejandro said, breaking the silence.

Faulkron startled, the sudden voice shaking him out of his own slightly panicked thoughts, and preventing him from making a fool of himself in an attempt to prevent that very thing.

“Oh. Yeah, yeah, no problem.”

“I’m serious, I probably wouldn’t have made it without you, so I am deeply grateful.”

Faulkron looked up from his empty cup, meeting Alejandro’s eyes. “You’re welcome, but it was mostly Jetra who healed you.”

Alejandro shook his head. “You give yourself too little credit. You were awesome out there.”

Faulkron felt his face flush a bit, and he hoped Alejandro couldn’t see the embarrassed hint of purple to his cheeks.

Alejandro’s smile faded slightly, and his eyebrows creased in worry. “You are alright, though? I know the healer did her thing and all, but..?”

“Oh, yeah yeah, I’m okay,” Faulkron said. “Real question is, are you okay? I mean, there was a lot happening, but you seemed... very upset? I don’t mean to pry, I’m just worried about- I mean, concerned—“

Alejandro held up a hand. “It’s okay.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize. It’s just... well, it’s complicated.” Alejandro then paused for a while, and Faulkron began to think he’d said something wrong despite Alejandro’s reassurance.

Then he spoke again. “Would you, um... would you like to go up to the roof with me? I’d feel better talking about it there.”

Faulkron was a little confused as to why the roof would be better, but he nodded and followed anyway.

•••

As Alejandro led Faulkron to the roof, he found himself going silent. He’d never shared what he was about to share with anyone besides the people who’d rescued him so long ago, and he’d really only known this man a week. They’d gone out for drinks once. Faulkron was had saved his life, though. He trusted him, and he wanted to keep trusting him, so he was taking a leap.

Alejandro took a long shaky breath as they stepped onto the roof of the inn. He looked up at the sky for a moment, still readying himself. The last two days’ clouds had cleared and the stars were shining. They were scattered like bright paint across a dark canvas, haphazard and chaotic, but beautiful all the same. He sighed, staring for a moment longer, and turned to Faulkron. “It’s... it’s a long story, really.”

“I’ve got time.”

“It’s... not a happy one, either.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m glad to listen, if that’s what you want.”

Alejandro nodded, letting his last sigh of anxiousness leave him. “I think it is. You might want to sit then.”

They both sat down, eyes cast up at the night sky.

Alejandro sighed again, and he gripped the handle of his second sword, feeling the old worn leather there. As he stared at the stars, images and memories began to flash in his mind.

Staring up through a small square window at the same stars, unable to sleep.

The smell of blood and the stench of death, hot sand beneath his feet.

The burning of a brand on his arm.

“It was a very long time ago. It was only my 12th summer...”

•••

15 years earlier, somewhere along the western Leinos coasts...

Alejandro was playing with his siblings, rolling around on the sandy beaches of his home, when the ships came. They came to the beach, and a man with a crown stepped out.

He said he would burn the village to the ground if he did not have what he wanted. When the village people asked, he said that he wanted their children, the youngest and strongest. When the villagers refused, and the militia drew their weapons, the man fulfilled his promise. Fiery arrows and spears descended upon the village, shrouding the beach in a thick black smoke. In the smoke and ashes, they grabbed Alejandro and a handful of others, dragging them onto their ships as they sailed away.

They chained them inside the hull, rough and cruel. The captured children fought of course, they spat and growled and screamed. Then the man cracked a whip, and they all were suddenly very very quiet.

They were told that their old lives were over. The man with the crown said to forget their names, forget their village. Those with defiance in their eyes were whipped. Alejandro’s back took 5 lashes before he couldn’t look up again. The ships sailed for a long time. None of the prisoners spoke.

When they eventually reached land again, they were shuffled onto a beach, surrounded by lush greenery that told lies of beauty. Dominating the center of the island they were on was a gargantuan marble arena, tall, imposing, and oppressively white, almost blinding after the darkness of the slavers’ ships. And that was what they were, the prisoners soon realized. Fifteen frightened children stood there on the beach, the full weight of all that had happened crushing down on them. Alejandro’s own shoulders felt weak and weary, and his manacled wrists only dragged him further down.

Around them, hundreds of small huts and seemingly innumerable cages. They saw hundreds of people around them, and more and more slavers, pushing them along and barking commands. The children were led through the houses and lines of people, who looked at them with flitting eyes, so full of fear and pain they were hollow, ghostly.

Their gazes didn’t linger on them long, but their eyes stayed in Alejandro’s nightmares for years.

Alejandro and the others were pushed further onward, the massive arena approaching ever faster. When they finally reached it, they were led to a series of rooms carved out of the earth beneath the structure.

In the next few months, they were trained relentlessly. How to fight, how to be strong, but most importantly, how to obey. Alejandro quickly learned that the man with the crown who was not king very much liked to act like one. He paraded the children around the arena, boasting them as the newest gladiators for his ring.

And there was the ring. The sand red from battle, the cheers and jeers of a bloodthirsty crowd. Those first few months, Alejandro and the others only watched the fights. Massive beasts, mythical and mundane, squared off in the pit against older gladiators who in turn faced both man and beast on the sands. It was not long before Alejandro had seen enough people die in the ring that he couldn’t keep track anymore.

He had heard of gladiatorial games in the big cities, way to the east. No one ever died there, as far as he knew. But this was different.

When he was 13, after the better part of a year being relentlessly trained & conditioned, he stepped into the ring for the first time. His adversary was an older kid, whose eyes were hollow like the people outside. Acting on instinct, the battle ensued, fear disappearing as it was replaced by careful training. Alejandro found himself falling into a performance, and when the dust cleared, only he was left standing.

To congratulate his first kill, the man with the crown took him to the lowest room beneath the arena, where the earth’s heat powered a burning forge. As much as he struggled, he couldn’t stop them, and heated chains were pressed onto his arms, searing away the flesh, leaving a mark that would weigh on him for the rest of his life.

Alejandro faced death in the arena constantly for the entertainment of the crowds of the cruel, and it left many scars. During the next five years, he would watch as one by one, the others from his village would fall in the arena, each death met by cheers. Not long, and Alejandro was the only one left. In his time there, he also saw more ships come and go, bringing new gladiators, always young adults and teenagers, always broken.

Pasaos told Alejandro that he was one of the youngest he’d ever seen show up there in his time. Pasaos was an older gladiator. He’d seen much, and his eyes held a great suffering, but he cared for Alejandro like a father, or as much as he could. He taught him many things. How to stay alive, how to keep his spirit going, even while broken.

Alejandro never asked how long Pasaos had been there, or how many people he’d killed. They both knew better. Alejandro also never thought twice about the moon tattoo on his arm beneath the brand, not until the day it all came crashing down.

Alejandro was 18 now, and he knew his eyes were losing their fight. He had gone a very long time without becoming a ghost, but now it was a near thing. Though they were treated well enough for slaves, it was only to keep them in fighting shape. The slavers were quick to punish if they stepped out of line, even if it meant they lost a fighter for a bit. But they had never done an execution before.

When he was shoved out onto the sands, he saw Pasaos tied to a pole in the center of the arena, and he could feel the flames closing in around him again, about to lose the one thing he could call a home.

He could do nothing but watch as the man with the crown cut free Pasaos, handing him a blade with the smug confidence of a man holding another’s life in his hand. They fought, but Pasaos had been beaten and tortured before the execution, and he stood no chance. The man with the crown, who Alejandro had come to know was named Atticus, simply knocked aside Pasaos’ blows, and when he finally ran him through, he turned to the gathered gladiators in triumph. Alejandro barely remembered what happened next.

He remembered grabbing the blade from the sands, slashing at Atticus. He remembered fighting him, losing, bleeding, pain, tears. He remembered sudden movements, brown and blue cloaks descending on the arena, shouts, commotion. He stood again before the rest of the gladiators, surrounded by chaos he couldn’t understand, and he called them to arms, screaming all their pain as it echoed throughout the pit. He remembered chasing Atticus down, but being beaten into the dirt, unable to stop him from sailing away.

There on the beach, bloodied and broken, he swore this:

“Atticus the Cruel, man who wears a crown but is no king, I will drive this dishonored blade into your wicked heart if it is the last thing I do. Your obsession with death will serve you well when the day comes that I return this blade to the evil from which it came.”

Then he was found by the cloaked people who had saved him. They called themselves Company of the Blue Moon. They helped him recover, brought him back to land. They told him Pasaos had died a hero, he had gotten them to the island. In a way, young Alejandro realized, Pasaos had sacrificed his life for Alejandro’s future. He promised himself would not let him down. The Company gave him much time to rest, and he took it, but before long he found himself on the road again, always on the lookout for any sign of the man he had sworn to destroy.

•••

“And now... I’m here.” Alejandro let out a long breath.

There were a few beats of silence, his heart loud in his ears. The relief of sharing the pain he hid so often with someone he trusted was quickly being replaced by fear, and he started to wonder if he’d overshared. He didn’t look up at Faulkron, not sure what he’d see.

“I... I’m sorry that happened to you.”

When Alejandro turned to Faulkron, he was staring at him with genuine concern. Alejandro cast his eyes away again, but he felt the fear retreat, and he was once again glad for Faulkron’s presence.

He chuckled a bit, hoping it didn't sound too bitter. “Thanks. It was hell, but I’m here, I guess, and that’s what counts.”

Faulkron nodded, and there was another pause.

“That’s the sword, then?”

“Yes.”

Alejandro unsheathed the sword, looking over the blade. The moonlight glinted eerily off of the edge, as if the night knew they spoke of death. Alejandro put the sword away, and the two fell quiet again.

“You know they taught us how to die?” Alejandro spoke suddenly.

“They what?” Faulkron exclaimed, head snapping back toward him.

“Yeah.” Alejandro sighed. “They taught us how to die for a crowd. I’ve seen it happen so many times, and it’s sad, because... you know that death isn’t that. It’s gray, it’s cold, it’s empty. But we were taught how to make it grand and flashy. I saw my mentor do it when Atticus killed him. Hells, even Dymea, this morning. No one goes out like that without being trained for it.”

“That’s... horrible.”

“It was, but it’s done now. Or at least, I had hoped it was. Knowing there might be still more of these remnant groups out there... It looks like my work is cut out for me. This is the first I’ve seen in a long time.”

Faulkron paused for a moment, deep in thought. “I... I will gladly go with you. You won’t fight Atticus alone this time. And I swear to you, you won’t die like that. Not while there’s still blood in these veins,” he promised, placing a hand over Alejandro’s.

Alejandro stared at him a moment, startled by the sudden sincerity and intensity.

“I... you have no idea how much that means to me.”

Faulkron looked at him for a moment longer, before seemingly coming to a decision. “I’m not big on hugs, but do you want one?” he asked, opening his arms.

Alejandro paused for a moment, but eventually he nodded and pressed himself into Faulkron. He let out a sigh as his arms wrapped around him, their strength anchoring him in the moment.

Alejandro eventually broke away, wiping away the tears that had streaked down his face.

“Thanks, Faulkron. I’m glad I could trust you. And... I don’t know where you’re going, or what you’re after, but I’d like to help you find it too.”

Faulkron nodded, looking back up to the stars. “I’m not sure yet... I think, a purpose, but I don’t know it yet. But I’d enjoy your company on the road either way.”

Alejandro nodded and smiled at him. He offered out a hand.

Faulkron grasped it, and Alejandro pulled him to his feet and bringing them face to face. Alejandro’s eyes twinkled in the moonlight as he laid a brief kiss on Faulkron’s cheek.

“Thank you.”

Faulkron smiled at him, and they headed back down into the inn together.

•••

The next day, the five companions woke to a far more somber Koretion. That morning, the townsfolk grieved those they had lost. The bodies that had been retrieved from the bandit camp of the missing scouts and militia were gathered. Funeral shrouds were burned, and white-crested helmets were placed on the pyres. The deepest grief, though, was of those whose loved ones there was no trace of. A messenger on horseback rode out at midday headed for the bigger cities and eventually the capitol, bearing news of what had happened and the people missing, as well as a request for help in the search. Jetra ensured the messenger, who wore a familiar crescent tattoo, carried a message of her own as well.

While the most part of the day held a stark grief and sadness, it was not all-consuming. In the face of that loss, there was still joy in knowing it wouldn’t happen again, and the people began to gather once more that evening. They celebrated the happiness in the lives of those they had lost, honoring their memory with joy rather than anguish. And so the town returned to celebration, even bittersweet as it was. Jetra played ballads of memory in death and the joys of life, songs the citizens of Koretion already knew well. Alejandro was playing games with some of the kids, the occasional toddler hanging off of his bicep as he practically juggled children, smiling and laughing all the same. Fuego was dancing around the central pavilion, putting on a beautiful display as multicolored flame swirled around him in time with the music, the people watching in awe and wonder.

Faulkron watched it all from the sidelines, mostly Alejandro if he was being honest. As he watched Alejandro smile and pick up a leather ball, and toss it back to a child, he couldn't help but feel at least a little overwhelmed, in a good way. He certainly looked very very cute right now, for one. But the way the sunlight was shining on his grinning face almost made him look comfortable, at ease. And Faulkron hadn’t seen Alejandro at ease since they’d first discussed the slavers back in Corias.

Alejandro had shared so much with him last night, and it was showing him a new light. He knew now why he’d joined them on the journey, why he’d been so tense during that first ambush. Faulkron felt a new bond of trust between them, far closer than he would have expected in just a week. Alejandro had clearly been through hell, so Faulkron really wasn't sure why he’d trust him with something like this already. He wasn’t even sure he’d earned that trust, though he would admit he wanted to, badly. He had no idea what they even were yet. Given how much Alejandro had been through, and how stressful the last few days had to have been for him, Faulkron was more than willing to let him decide where this went, and he’d go along for the ride. His life had made a turn for the better and the interesting, that was for sure.

“You look like you’re deep in thought.”

Faulkron shook himself out of his reverie and turned towards the voice.

Shakari had sat down next to him at some point, and she was watching the celebration as well.

“I was, yeah.”

“I understand. Much has happened in the last week, for all of us,” Shakari said, eyes still watching the pavilion.

“You’re not wrong. I don’t even really know how I ended up here, but it seems... good,” he mused.

“It is. We did something good. All of us.”

“It’s weird to hear that, you know. I’ve never been called a hero before, and I’m still not sure what to do about it,” Faulkron said with a small sigh.

Shakari raised an eyebrow, turning to him. “I understand that, it’s a first for me too. Yet there is no denying we are heroes to these people, and we made the world better for it.”

Faulkron nodded, unsure what to say.

Shakarin placed a hand on his shoulder. “I think you are someone who follows the path before them when it is presented, even if it is yet untraveled. You have a wanderer’s eyes.”

Faulkron creased his brow. “What makes you think all that?”

“I am the same.”

Faulkron turned back to her, and saw a deep sincerity in her eyes.

“I am going to follow this path wherever it may take me,” she said, turning back to the celebration.

Faulkron thought for a moment, staring into the crowd again. He smiled quietly to himself. He wasn’t sure what direction he’d found himself stumbling in, but it felt good, and he liked these people, and he liked being called a hero. So he supposed it wouldn’t be so bad to keep going down this road.

“I think I am too.”

Part 6 | Part 8

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