#(a different degree program but still)
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#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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Hey! I finished up another little resource I've been slowly putting together.
I've put together a turnaround reference of every character in the game, with every alternate appearance, both full bodies and profile views.
The full body views include a hatless young Graham for scale. There is a bit of an issue regarding characters with armor- I'm not very savvy with blender admittedly, and all of the metal comes out really dark. It isn't too bad, save for Manny, who doesn't even have his green feather. I'd like to fix those once I can. Also, capes are omitted. I think that only applies to Graham and Whisper though.
I'll be finishing up doing the same for the animals at some point, and I'm planning on making a few references for certain character's weapons, or other interesting items.
Also- along with the profile views, I included some of Graham's head at every angle by 10 degrees, from head on, lower, and upper angles. Thought it would be helpful to see how his hat works from any direction. The images are huge, here's a gif of them all together.
Hope these will come of use! I've been working on it for a while.
#kings quest#king's quest#king’s quest#kq2015#kq#the only metal object i successfully fiddled with was the crown. because it looked horrid if i didnt#also chester and hagatha have an extra angle in their profile views bc they are hunched over with long noses#so at a 45 degree angle it didnt have the view i wanted and i just threw in an extra#only them tho and only from the front not from behind#also theres only 4 goblin profiles and 8 different goblins in full body bc they have the same heads. 4 heads and 2 body types#ive been actively doing this for over a year just not constantly... its easy work but its a time sink#ive been WANTING to do it since 2017 ever since i could access the models in a modelling program#since then we've found more references from the artists but still lack all of them. like graham's >:(#im gonna take a break before getting to the animals and items. there are a few animals already done though#ps these are great refs for art but i wouldnt colorpick from these images due to how blender adds some shading to the models#just use them to pick colors from the color wheel or find the character's texture in the extracted textures and pick from that if you must#anyway thats all my commentary here. have fun go nuts i really hope you guys find this useful
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hihi i was wondering what you’re studying in grad school? i’m debating going LOL
i’m currently in a master’s program 4 a gender studies degree! my experience has been. pretty good so far but if ur located in the u.s. my honest advice is don’t go 2 grad school unless u can get it fully funded…or unless ur rich enough 2 just eat the cost of paying 4 a program in which case u can probably do whatever u want lol
#can only speak 2 the higher ed system in the u.s. but#master’s programs in particular r harder 2 find funding for#& most people in them r getting a degree 4 a specific career or planning 2 continue working in academia#phd programs here r funded but harder 2 get into bc of it & a bigger commitment & also still underpaid so#anyway. only reason i was able 2 do this master’s degree was bc one of the schools i applied 2 gave me tuition remission + a stipend#i would NOT recommend going into debt 4 a master’s degree. generally speaking…#also don’t generally recommend going into grad school straight from undergrad…obv every person’s situation is different etc#but my general advice would be go 2 grad school if u have a specific career path in mind not just if u aren’t sure what else 2 do etc#like lbr the university is not a sacred bastion of learning lol it’s a job like any other & comes w its own forms of exploitation#esp if ur a grad student…one thing a university will NEVER do is pay u well!!!
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eyes leaking out of my skull
#my high school no longer has a choir teacher (in my time there were three different ones)#one gave up on middle schoolers after covid and went to an elementary school#one was teaching every single program (band orchestra choir) at once for the first year which didn't go any kind of way really#the other one was a math teacher who also happened to be a musician so they made him the new choir teacher#but he was only here for a year bc school exchange program for teachers from other countries#so now we're back to the first guy who didn't do jack shit#i didn't have many friends in choir bc frankly ir sorta sucked but those of my little friends who are still there like#on god i will find you ways to be in good choirs kids trust me trust me#bluebird.txt#ON GOD I WILL HELP YOU GET INTO A GOOD PROGRAM#even if they don't so music degrees please for the love of god i want you to have. good music teachers.#not just guys who happen to be musicians and are not even trying.
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I may be considering the crime of... Getting a business degree 🤢
#i Like my new job where i get to play in excel all day and i also like having financial security for the first time in my adult life#i was originally thinking about switching my major to sociology bc its another area that im interested in#but my mom may have talked me into considering a business degree as an option since sociology isnt a great fallback option...#the thought of majoring in business makes me gag tbh. but i mean... i DO like data analysis and there IS a masters for data analysis#and the bachelors degree in information systems would teach me new things about computers which might be cool#and they have an international business program that links in advanced study of foreign languages and cultures#and theres even a certificate program for sustainability that includes direct work with grassroots programs#AND all of this is intentionally made to be accessible to people who are already in the work field so i wouldnt need to quit my job...#...all of this plus a sociology minor (or double major if i can pull it off) is starting to look pretty good actually#BUT... can i withstand the pain of spending the next few years in classrooms full of business majors 🤔#real talk tho i was wanting to use my social work degree to go into policy anyways which could mean government OR corporate#...if i get a business major i could potentially speedrun the process of getting into corporate policy to make a difference that way#and my sociology minor (or major) would still support that#fuckin. trojan horse the companies i guess#i am rotating the idea in my mind with the emotional state of that gif of someone trying kombucha for the first time#rambling
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When I use the term “burnt out gifted kid” for myself I just want it to be known that I’m referring to basically every year since seventh grade. Like it’s not something that hit me in adulthood or high school, I’ve been in a constant pattern of minor academic success and subsequent burnout leading to failure and just scraping by to make it to the next year. I’m good at one thing and that’s testing, so the minute that homework became a major factor in grades I was fucked. Every bit of disability I experience now was happening then I was just so dissociative it didn’t register for years. By burnt out I mean I’m trying to grow out of the ashes of myself, I was charcoal a decade ago and stem programs were fucking lighter fluid and a match.
#idk I just feel like I see people using the term in all sorts of different and frequently ableist ways#I should’ve been receiving support and instead I was put in high pressure environments that ruined my ability to care for myself for years#I don’t miss being told I was better and smarter than other students because I never believed it#maybe if I was in special ed or support classes I wouldn’t be still trying to scrape by and finish my degree at 21#burnout#burnt out gifted kid#audhd#fuck gifted kid programs#all my homies hate the math and science center
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please forgive me, but I need to complain and over-share or my brain is going to explode please feel free to ignore
#I'm not doing well.#the last two places I worked (in a tourism-adjacent sector) closed. broadly speaking due to post-lockdown financial issues#for the past year at my current job I've been earning less than half what I used to. this was the only offer I got at the time and#I haven't found anything better since. this is not sustainable I'm barely making it each month...#I live with my parents and cancelled my health insurance I don't know how else to reduce my budget. it's depressing tbh#the solution is obviously to find a better job but that's just not happening and I'm beginning to feel discouraged.#I hate being negative it's a very unattractive character trait but I just feel myself slipping and spiraling#I know I should be taking short courses or volunteering to boost my cv but like when ! and how !#I can't afford to work less but I get home at 20h so even evening courses are tricky. I work every other saturday too so weekends are out#and like I do need to rest at some point you can't be depressed and burnt out that's a terrible combo#was looking at a dtp/typesetting short course and 1) I'll need a new computer that can actually run design programs#and 2) the course itself is like 2 month's salaries which I cannot realistically save right now#and yet I'm still ''over-qualified'' for entry level positions because I went to uni. well maybe that's just a polite excuse#because as interesting as my humanities degrees were they didn't equip me with any practical or marketable skills#besides being good at reading and writing. but AI can do that for free now so that's not helpful#I always thought I was reasonably intelligent but I cannot solve this puzzle. there must be a creative solution that I'm missing#but i feel so stuck and trapped#and at least once a week some poor soul stumbles in to the office practically begging for a job so I feel bad for complaining#a little truly is better than nothing#but thank god we elected more pro-business capitalists into government that really is going to be great for us workers (sarcasm)#also I should acknowledge#I am getting some déjà vu. I feel like I've vented about this topic before#the difference is. back then it was a potential concern. now the concern has materialised into reality and rendered the situation desperate
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MOOD FOR TODAY:
#in the process of asking the university if i can withdraw from a class that's been ruining my mental health#and also thinking about leaving my degree program to do something else#(a different degree program but still)#i have been agonizing over all this for days & had a whole crying breakdown#but now that i'm actually starting the ball rolling it's like hey! let's go!!#real winners quit!!!
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not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something
#kazoo noises#like yeah this was supposed to be a job i COULD get. i thought bc like. i was going into the field bc i loved the work and not bc i couldnt#make it into academia (fuck u alt-ac term users yall are snobs) id like maybe be able to cobble it together bc like. im good at doing work.#i can usually make something happen and i got a good attitude. but jesus ive got one year left and every job app comes back negative if the#even bother to respond#like idk man. i knew iwasnt gonna be making money or shit and i knew it was gonna be rough but like. everyone else i meet already has a gig#or at least like gig adjacent. volunteer or field experience or internship and like. i cant get anything to stick. its not like ive done#nothing either? ive worked extensively with small scale exhibition design. i have worked extensively with special collections libraries.#i have literal years worth of research experience from college. i have an entirely customer service based resume thats not academic so i#can handle a patron (and crucially different from my peers: I WANT TO)#i can organize. i can write and design labels. i can communicate. i can handle special collections objects. i can make ANY microfilm reader#work for me even when it doesnt want to#and im not saying my classmates arent qualified. but like. surely this has to amount to something. i have been so stupidly lucky#to have even half the experiences i do. i have variety in my degree that even some of my classmates would kill for i think. i did. so much.#i have had so many advantages and i like to think i use them well and that i am grateful for them. but why cant i make that shit connect???#my resume is good. im reliable. i want to work more than anything. so why cant i get a call back???#legitimately how much longer do i get to keep telling myself i a not the common denominator here#sorry for diary posting but im prepping to walk to the house tour and planning what job apps i can fill out when i get back and literally.#just like. why do i bother. i should have just held my nose and done the online only program in state. i'd probably spend less time rotting#god being 23 fucking sucks. it is going to be better. im literally just barely an adult. this cant be it and it wont be it. but jesus. i go#over having to beg for a rejection letter about ten months ago when i still felt like i had a shot at these experiences
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Hey I saw your tags on that terfy rhetoric rebuttal post about how much happier and better you're doing on T and the Ritalin hopes as well, and I just wanted to say good! I'm really happy for you and I hope it just keeps improving your life and getting you to who and where you want to be!
Thank you so much!! I feel like I’m really moving into a healthier and better space!! Even tho things are difficult and challenging, it’s SO much easier to navigate them, rebound and remain positive!! I’m on day 4 of Ritalin and I’m def noticing some differences so far! I know who I am and I’m learning more about myself every day, and it’s such a relief and joy :’) Really hoping I can get back into making art regularly as well and find a groove that works for me!! ^^
#also still looking into master degree programs#mental health counseling is my main option I’m looking at#might try and take a test to see different career options#it’s a challenging path but I’ve also been a life long advocate for mental health#I def need to do something where I’m helping my community#life blogging#asks#anonymous
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i’m pretty sure studying abroad was a poor decision with regards to every single aspect of my life, but i’m saying this sick and tired and after a long day of being on a mandatory field trip i’ve been dreading all week so. grain of salt etc
#doesn’t help that i just finished listening to a self described cozy mystery audiobook set in oxford#& so now i’m nostalgic and utterly convinced i should have gone to england#but still. i am trying to be positive i am trying to keep an open mind i am Putting Myself Out There as much as i’ve been able#i’ve been talking to people i’ve been asking questions i’ve been making conversation i’ve been searching desperately for someone i like#but also like. if i could get my money back and go home right now. or go to a different program even. i would in a heartbeat#a diff program wouldn’t solve everything but it would solve the academic failure of this program#which is that i’m not interested in any of the classes i’m taking bc i’m trying desperately to take classes that fulfill major requirements#but that’s almost impossible here esp for psych which is the one i need credits for#and so on an academic level this program is a waste of my time and actually actively harming me academically and i very well might have to#take a summer class. bc i can’t meet all my requirements in time#and then on a social level. well it’s me#i don’t like anyone yet and of COURSE bc its fucking day 6 but i have talked. to so many people. and it’s so hard#AND on a culinary level i don’t like any of the food here and i have to figure out how to feed myself and i genuinely considered just buying#a pallet of meal replacement shakes and drinking those. but i don’t even know if i can buy those here#anyway it would all be fine if i was just lonely and didn’t like the food that’s to be expected im homesick#but this program is like actually literally negatively impacting my degree progress and i not only would be happier but would be on a much#more stable path to graduation if i wasn’t doing it#i wish i had picked a better program I WISH I WAS TAKING CLASSES. AT A LOCAL UNIVERSITY. IN ENGLISH. AND NOT AT A STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM#HQ WITH EXCLUSIVELY OTHER AMERICANS!!! WHAT IS THE POINT?????#personal#isa bcn
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I’ve been staring at college applications and slowly feeling the dread more and more
#snowy rambles#film or photography at this point tbh#I’m terrified to end up having no work after doing the said art diploma#also been thinking about doing a program to transfer into uni from college#hairdressing? possibly? trades? oh wait#where I’m from it’s two different things when it comes to uni and colleges#but some colleges offer degrees#i’m gonna cry#I’m gonna end up commuting somehow unless I do a program online#applications start in Jan and Feb#the programs I’ve been looking at are either really close when I’m at or 6 hours away#still processing whatever happened in the last two years#also like i need to update my documents for accommodations for my ld when i apply#I’m gonna stop yapping now :’)
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I was looking at the computer science curriculum for 1st year comp sci at my university and as a bioinformatics student the comparison is insane. Ppl who have choose comp sci for their degree have like 4 months to learn how python works where we have 1. They are not taught 4 programming languages per year. They are allowed to acclimatise to the notion that packages exist and sometimes they contain useful functions you don't have to create yourself!
AND YET, WHEN A BIOLOGY PERSON CAN'T INSTANTLY USE PYTHON 1 MONTH INTO A BIOINFORMATICS DEGREE, WE ARE CALLED 'BAD AT PROGRAMMING' --
#personal#the tiny rule follower in my brain is like 'oh but ur doing a master's! you should be able to pick skills up fast!'#but i am still salty that all my classmates use chatgpt and i don't abs yet i was labelled 'bad at programming'#for not being able to pick up perl in a week with zero outside aid#'oh you should be able to use python seamlessly by now' you bastard. you motherfucker. i will recite pH rules to you. fuck u#i adapted to an entirely different country's education system to get a degree in a difficult subject i agreed to do for fun#AND THEN I CAME BACK TO MY COUNTRY OF ORIGIN TO DO AN EVEN MORE DIFFICULT SUBJECT. FOR FUN#i'm NOT fucking stupid. and i'm actually pretty good at programming considering my experience. fuck u#and stop insulting biologists who can't immediately apply graph theory via programming#do you know how many British ppl choose biology so they don't have to do maths past GCSE level. u r so lucky ur french
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The conversation around AI is going to get away from us quickly because people lack the language to distinguish types of AI--and it's not their fault. Companies love to slap "AI" on anything they believe can pass for something "intelligent" a computer program is doing. And this muddies the waters when people want to talk about AI when the exact same word covers a wide umbrella and they themselves don't know how to qualify the distinctions within.
I'm a software engineer and not a data scientist, so I'm not exactly at the level of domain expert. But I work with data scientists, and I have at least rudimentary college-level knowledge of machine learning and linear algebra from my CS degree. So I want to give some quick guidance.
What is AI? And what is not AI?
So what's the difference between just a computer program, and an "AI" program? Computers can do a lot of smart things, and companies love the idea of calling anything that seems smart enough "AI", but industry-wise the question of "how smart" a program is has nothing to do with whether it is AI.
A regular, non-AI computer program is procedural, and rigidly defined. I could "program" traffic light behavior that essentially goes { if(light === green) { go(); } else { stop();} }. I've told it in simple and rigid terms what condition to check, and how to behave based on that check. (A better program would have a lot more to check for, like signs and road conditions and pedestrians in the street, and those things will still need to be spelled out.)
An AI traffic light behavior is generated by machine-learning, which simplistically is a huge cranking machine of linear algebra which you feed training data into and it "learns" from. By "learning" I mean it's developing a complex and opaque model of parameters to fit the training data (but not over-fit). In this case the training data probably includes thousands of videos of car behavior at traffic intersections. Through parameter tweaking and model adjustment, data scientists will turn this crank over and over adjusting it to create something which, in very opaque terms, has developed a model that will guess the right behavioral output for any future scenario.
A well-trained model would be fed a green light and know to go, and a red light and know to stop, and 'green but there's a kid in the road' and know to stop. A very very well-trained model can probably do this better than my program above, because it has the capacity to be more adaptive than my rigidly-defined thing if the rigidly-defined program is missing some considerations. But if the AI model makes a wrong choice, it is significantly harder to trace down why exactly it did that.
Because again, the reason it's making this decision may be very opaque. It's like engineering a very specific plinko machine which gets tweaked to be very good at taking a road input and giving the right output. But like if that plinko machine contained millions of pegs and none of them necessarily correlated to anything to do with the road. There's possibly no "if green, go, else stop" to look for. (Maybe there is, for traffic light specifically as that is intentionally very simplistic. But a model trained to recognize written numbers for example likely contains no parameters at all that you could map to ideas a human has like "look for a rigid line in the number". The parameters may be all, to humans, meaningless.)
So, that's basics. Here are some categories of things which get called AI:
"AI" which is just genuinely not AI
There's plenty of software that follows a normal, procedural program defined rigidly, with no linear algebra model training, that companies would love to brand as "AI" because it sounds cool.
Something like motion detection/tracking might be sold as artificially intelligent. But under the covers that can be done as simply as "if some range of pixels changes color by a certain amount, flag as motion"
2. AI which IS genuinely AI, but is not the kind of AI everyone is talking about right now
"AI", by which I mean machine learning using linear algebra, is very good at being fed a lot of training data, and then coming up with an ability to go and categorize real information.
The AI technology that looks at cells and determines whether they're cancer or not, that is using this technology. OCR (Optical Character Recognition) is the technology that can take an image of hand-written text and transcribe it. Again, it's using linear algebra, so yes it's AI.
Many other such examples exist, and have been around for quite a good number of years. They share the genre of technology, which is machine learning models, but these are not the Large Language Model Generative AI that is all over the media. Criticizing these would be like criticizing airplanes when you're actually mad at military drones. It's the same "makes fly in the air" technology but their impact is very different.
3. The AI we ARE talking about. "Chat-gpt" type of Generative AI which uses LLMs ("Large Language Models")
If there was one word I wish people would know in all this, it's LLM (Large Language Model). This describes the KIND of machine learning model that Chat-GPT/midjourney/stablediffusion are fueled by. They're so extremely powerfully trained on human language that they can take an input of conversational language and create a predictive output that is human coherent. (I am less certain what additional technology fuels art-creation, specifically, but considering the AI art generation has risen hand-in-hand with the advent of powerful LLM, I'm at least confident in saying it is still corely LLM).
This technology isn't exactly brand new (predictive text has been using it, but more like the mostly innocent and much less successful older sibling of some celebrity, who no one really thinks about.) But the scale and power of LLM-based AI technology is what is new with Chat-GPT.
This is the generative AI, and even better, the large language model generative AI.
(Data scientists, feel free to add on or correct anything.)
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Steve and Eddie are on again off again for years after the events of st4. It's never too serious, they have basically opposite schedules. Eddie tends bar and plays with his band, existing mostly at night. Steve gets a degree and moves onto being a school counselor, late nights are the bane of his existence. It's easier when they live together, but over the years they've moved in and out of the little place they share with Robin.
Eddie's moved cities a few times, tried living with the band, has been on and off tour. Steve moved back home when his parents divorced for about a year to help his mom out, moved in and usually quickly out with partners. He volunteered a few summers to live in low income rural areas and help with the schools summer programs.
They just never quite get the timing right to try anything other than casual. It's honestly tearing Steve apart, it's been the source of every break up he's had since meeting the man. Eddie however seems entirely unbothered.
Steve knows for a fact he's Eddie's favorite person. Even when Eddie is "seeing" someone else, Eddie's relationships are never serious, he still prefers to spend his time with Steve. He just doesn't get why Eddie doesn't want something real, but he doesn't push, doesn't wanna lose what he has
It's a full decade of this nonsense before the song Quit Playing Games With My Heart by The Backstreet Boys comes out. Steve doesn't really care much about the band, he likes boy band music well enough. It's fun and catchy and danceable. But he's picking Eddie up from the airport, back from a three month stint in LA recording and promoting with the band. And the air is tense as the lyrics spill out of the radio, and it makes Steve feel heavy.
The song ends but he's still pretty misty, it's only ten minutes back to the apartment. He can hold it back, and when they're home he'll just excuse himself and cry quietly on his bed. He's done it plenty of times before, this is no different, he's got this, he's good.
"Stevie?" Eddie asks softly, and his his voice sounds strained, like something's got him worked up too.
Steve can't respond, not with his voice, so he just sort of nods, doesn't look at Eddie, but can feel the weight of Eddie's stare.
"What is it about me that you don't wanna stick around for?" He asks quietly, but there's a solid quality to his tone, like this is a question he's resolved to ask many times, and finally got his nerve up.
Steve doesn't respond for a long time, as pieces slowly move into place. Eddie has always seemed so unaffected, even congratulating Steve when things got serious with someone else. But if he looked closely at Eddie's reactions now, in retrospect, with the way he asked his quiet question, it clicks.
Eddie never liked any of Steve's partners, always gave Steve an out of he needed it, was always a little petty about Steve's ex's after a breakup. The thought that maybe, for all these years, a decade now, they'd been wasting their time keep things casual was just...well it was fucking hilarious. Terrible and heartbreaking, sure. But it kick started ridiculous sounding giggles.
Giggles quickly snowballed into full hysterical laughter. He glanced at Eddie who looked hurt, which was absurd. Steve's laughter became unhinged, and he had to pull off the road. Eddie didn't look hurt anymore when he looked back, he looked furious, and he was wiping his cheeks. Steve hadn't seen tears, but the idea that Eddie was crying over him did nothing to quell the laughter.
The moment the car stopped Eddie threw the door open, and climbed out. Grabbing his duffle from the back seat. He managed to stomp a good distance away before Steve could get himself together enough to chase after him. He was still giggling when he caught up enough to grab the strap of Eddie's bag. He pulled it back hard enough to knock Eddie off balance, and had to reach out to steady him.
"Eddie please," he paused to laugh and catch his breath as Eddie struggled to pull out of his grip. "Please, baby, give me a minute."
Eddie froze at that. They didn't use pet names like that. Nothing so relationship-y. It was enough to make Eddie wait for him. Steve didn't let go though, terrified Eddie might run off without a proper explanation.
He didn't know how to explain it, the years of longing, the way he'd wanted to ask the same question so many times, how he ached for him. He certainly didn't know how to explain his reaction.
"I don't know why it made me laugh like that." He started once he had his breathing under control. "Some stupid pop song-" and he was laughing again because this was stupid. He threw his hands up in frustration, immediately grabbing onto Eddie again when his hands came back down.
"some stupid pop song had me on the brink of tears, because my stupid, broken heart-" more laughter, and Steve was getting really tired of this. "Aches for you, when you've, I guess-" laughter, "been feeling the same way. God Eddie how stupid are we?"
And with that the giggles were gone, his insides had gone suddenly still, and he felt the loss of the time they could have had.
"how long?" Eddie asked, quiet again, he was never this quite. When Steve looked at him now his face was hard to read, tears still brimming in his eyes, but the anger and hurt were gone.
"since the boat house probably, at least since the hospital, for sure. When you woke up and you were cuffed to the bed. The first thing you said was some joke about being flattered they thought you were that dangerous. I knew for sure then, but I think it started in the boat house." Steve flushed, his face hot and pink.
"God, no, that's ..we can't have been feeling the same way so long. Stevie, what have we been doing?" Tears were falling, both men crying on the side of the road, and Eddie was holding onto Steve now too.
"Didn't think you'd want me for real. Didn't think anyone-" Steve coughed around the lump in his throat. "Tried to move on, so many times. Never could, it always came back to you."
And Eddie was suddenly in his arms, weeping, getting tight words out between sobs. "Never. Anything. Compare. No one. Even close. Just you. My Stevie."
"Didn't catch all that sweetheart. You'll have to tell me the rest later." Steve whispered into his ear, and Eddie melted in his arms, nodding emphatically into Steve's shoulder.
The time they waisted sat heavy on Steve's shoulders, but he had Eddie now. Eventually they would joke about it, about pining after each other for a decade before getting thier shit together, but it was gonna hurt for a while still.
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