clehame

[clehame]

im not christian but i do believe in the power of prayer. for this reason i keep a little homonculus in a dog crate under my bed which i have raised as a devout catholic. whenever i want something in my life to change i poke him with a stick and he clasps his grubby little paws together and starts chanting in latin. his prayers always go through because he has never known sin

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A New "Evil Island" Has Been Discovered in the Galapagos - And Yep, The Finches There Evolved to Kick Babies

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twenty years across the sea

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Car Trunk vs Car Boot: A clear win for US English, trunk was already a thing in which you stored items, frequently for transport.

Crisps vs Chips: I gotta admit, the Brits have this one. They're thin slices of potato that have been made crispy. No chipping of any materials involved.

Car Park vs Parking Lot: Equally matched. What's a car park? A place to park cars. What's a parking lot? An otherwise empty lot where you can park.

Elevator vs Lift: Both equally fail to address that the damn thing also goes down.

[clehame]

Had a friend in middle school going through a breakup ask me "why do people say they'll love you forever if they don't mean it?" and I said something like "I think people mean it when they say it, but then people change" but all I was thinking was "girl we're in 8th grade"

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"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

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Hello hello my little soon to be angels, this is the pilot speaking ;)

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Do you think Mormon incubi travel in pairs so they can do soaking?

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In a shocking breach of White House security, President Joe Biden was reportedly carried away by ants Friday. According to witnesses, the 81-year-old commander-in-chief remained quite calm during his apparent abduction by the insects, showing no signs of resistance as the swarm of approximately 2,500 black carpenter ants hoisted him over their bodies using their powerful mandibles and began marching slowly but steadily toward the White House Rose Garden. Full Story

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today at work we had an assembly and i overheard a student BEGGING her teacher to go back to the classroom to get something, and the teacher said “it better not be your phone.” and the girl went “noooo it’s not, it’s important. it’s my lipgloss.”

[clehame]

watched this tik tok that was like previous owner abuser her dogs by gluing jewels to their heads. and died in a standoff with animal control. and i think theyre lying because i cant find any articles about a woman who glued jewels to her dogs heads killing herself.

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we need more jerk off scenes but ones that are depressing, pathetic, and lame. I wanna see the next it boy sobbing and stroking his shit face down

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I beg my kidnappers for a phone, swearing not to make any calls or texts, and they stare over my shoulder, holding a gun to my head as I use my newly-freed hand to post, "So do like, dudes just buy ropes and baklavas from the same store or what lmfao like a specialty Crime Store"

One of the kidnappers says "balaclavas" but it's muffled under the fabric. I ask them to repeat and they do, their voice raspy from disuse. "You wrote baklava, that's a pastry." The other kidnapper goes "stfu" and then after a pause goes "Why would you buy from a crime store"

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i bet daniel craig and rachel weisz are engaged in forms of full time kink we can't even comprehend. like if he leaves even one speck of crust on her tea sandwiches she puts him in a christening gown and hunts him on their estate

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just got the single funniest autocorrect from my mum a few minutes ago.

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America be like "you cant have free healthcare or easy access to disability but you can have a gun"

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Which Old Man is getting the MOST dick at the Orgy For Old Men?

Details:

Assume that they're all attending the same Orgy For Old Men.

The orgy begins on Sunday at 5:49 pm.

The orgy ends at 3:15 on a Wednesday.

When not performing in the living room, assume each member has full access to the house.

The house has an aquarium in the basement.

Obi-Wan, Gandalf, and Oogway's MBTI Type are all INFJ.

Plankton and Mr Krabs can only participate in a room with a steady supply of running water.

stardew valley Grandpa own the house, and expects everyone to have sex on his shitty fucking bed at least once.

Plankton and Mr Krabs work on Tuesday.

Joe Biden only has 5 shots left in him, and any more will kill him. Each session with Biden lasts twice as long, but results in fewer orgasms.

Einstein fucks hard but won't stop talking about theoretical physics, thus limiting his total score tally in the long run.

Obi-Wan will not fuck anyone unless a single old man woos him for one entire day beforehand. Whoever is wooing him can not participate in the orgy that day, but will get bonus orgasms from Obi-Wan specifically.

The Ice King can not participate in group sex with Plankton and Mr Krabs unless accompanied by Saruman or Gandalf because his ice powers will kill them forever.

Gandalf and Master Oogway, when paired together, result in a terrain change. The weather for the room they're in will then change to "hotboxed." Every old man sharing the room with them gain the status condition: Stoned By Proxy.

Getting stoned results in more orgasms/per hour, but can discourage certain old men who find it unsavory.

Master Oogway will not fuck The Ice King because he doesn't believe in the monarchy.

Saruman will betray whoever fucks him for their enemy.

stardew valley Grandpa has the largest cock and can cook vegetables for fiber boosts.

Albert Einstein has a drivers license.