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sharonlifeoutsidesocial · 2 years ago

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A pill that was once hard to swallow for others is coming back to me now

26.

What a year that was... Feelings were mixed, to put it to words: there are many things that's really happening to me at the moment yet I still feel empty. I was ugly crying reading my best friend's birthday greeting and that hits hard. This was the birthday that really poured emotions I have been keeping since November.

It's not about me anymore, it's about people within my circle and slowly fading away. We arrived in San Juan, La Union on 29th I asked my best friend, Koko about med school he will pursue in the next few years. Imagine, you work best friend leaving? That broke a part of me. We stayed silent when he said he's not seeing himself working as a medical technologist in the next few years. I am trying to see the bright side, nothing is permanent though. He is continuing what paused for a while so why would I stopped someone reaching his dreams and the life he planned for himself? I did not bother asking. Next day, over sunset on my birthday I had a little moment of silence and tried seeing the bigger picture because nothing in this world is constant. I stared at the waves with pain and hope, with questions that I'm too far to know the answer. I questioned the life I have, because I dreamed of having a simple one - enjoy my youth at most and deserve the things I truly deserve. But it's weird, life threw the craziest and challenging ones that are too hard for me to solve. The kind of tired that no amount of vacation and massage therapy will ever solve. At the end of the day, that flicker of hope I only had is gone leaving me at the rock bottom and crying until 31st of March. Believe me, I just cried my heart out on that day, even us cannot pin-point where it actually hurts. He just accompanied me, the greatest gift I ever received. We were silent until we head back to Manila, it irrates him that he got burnt by the sun and a total-fail henna tattoo. He even raised his voice and I hate it, I hate it when people do that.

Going back, that time he said he's planning to study again. He told me the same exactly words I said about 3 years ago. "Huwag niyo akong antayin." Go by your decisions and do not wait for me because I don't even know what to do. I think those were the times when he was transferring to ManilaMed and I don't have the guts yet to leave Manila Doctors. That sudden feeling when your soul leaves you for a sec and your stomach really felt very empty. A pill that is even bigger is hard to take it all in. It's straight up happening to me right now, I got so scared because I will be left behind with an excess baggage. They're leaving with high hopes and better future. I am stuck with my father that's deteriorating, unable to take the exam, no money, no comfortable bed to sleep to and no time for myself anymore. I hated every minute and part of it. I hated home.

If this is all His plans, I don't know anymore. In this case, He's teaching me patience then it reached the ceiling. I actually wished for my birthday to take the pain away and let him rest. I want my old life back.

Coming into realizations, it was not my decision not to say to Koko that I plan on taking the exam. He was surprised when he knew it, I guess that was also the time of an epiphany for him. I really need to fix my papers and let this be an inspiration. I hate it to think of it that way, but I needed to get out of here first. My plans of staying in the Philippines travelling here as an individual should be set aside first and come what may for future me.

Additional realizations as I turn 26 I almost had a tattoo done, well due to being in a beautiful destination I contacted my long-time followed artist and really wanted a heart tattoo on my finger. I had to step backward for now because it's not ideal for my skin yet. While in San Juan, I also unblocked and checked on people. It's been a year since and I plan not destroying the peace I protected and saved up for the recent months. I also noticed someone got engaged in September and that's where I stopped. I will never be someone who will hurt and ruin a relationship. I will never hurt a woman by continuosly sticking to it. I may always be alone and people think desperately wanting to have a relationship, sometimes I think of it that way too but I knew in my heart that I am not ready for it. I needed a time for me to heal, to discover myself and to be alone and find my core. Here's to the single life though, I love it so much I can stay like this forever. But if there's a chance, I hope to find someone who's going to love me the way I wanted to be loved, respect the space I created for myself and just be there for me. When that time comes, I owe it to God and the universe for giving me a bonus.

I cannot believe that turning 26 would be this be very emotional and staring off with fears and tears are just unrealistic for someone. I treasured birthdays so much... It means so much to me unlike other people who don't usually mind it. It hits different when you realize you age because youth is slowly fading away, your problems got more complicated and it gives you a day to re-evaluate life. Listening and staring blankly to the waves helped a little. Eating good food half-filled the emptiness that I am feeling. Being with your best friend gave you a rest no one can replace. Staying at a different place, gave a new perspective of seeing things. Being in La Union gives an illusion of living the alter reality.

San Juan, La Union is my second home even though I visited it for the second time yet I always see myself coming back. A portion of me that I left there whispers that I needed to go back where my heart is. For now, it's my happy place. Thank you for accepting me, Elyu. One day, I'll live there. One day, I will have all the time to spend my life in the seaside and live my best life. Thanks, Elyu. For now, I will be a corporate slave in Manila, earn some money to go back to you.

#birthday #march #03302023 #san juan #elyu #la union

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kreeperslash · 7 months ago

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Journal Pt.12

Going to be honest yesterday Tuesday was a blur and I can't recall what happened. Besides the fact making a bank account is annoying since my electoral card I renewed made my previous one invalid since it creates a whole new string of numbers for the ID so will have to wait on that and getting a sim card/number with a mobile plan for Mexico. I think my time of random energy or the pressure of living here is deteriorating and I'm slowly regressing back to my no energy depressed self. Well it's not completely to that point but I am noticing waking up being a slight pain to do. I need to get my therapy set up as soon as I can because I'll genuinely need the help for my mental health if I wanna keep going without breaks.

Currently it's the end of my Wednesday and I had to go early in the morning to the apartments due to a concern dealing with federales going to the newish tenants unit. I had to assess the situation and give a verdict whether I should kick them out or not. Decided what happened is not their fault and they are just doing what was best, but to not let it happen again since I really don't need the federales around the area and putting the other tenants on edge. Really need to.rework the contract that's currently in place to benefit me and give me security as well as the creation of forms revolving around disputes and property damage with the signature of a tenant required. Obviously lots can be improved but like my life it's a day by day thing to worry and think about. The rest of the day for 9 hours I've been busy fixing up the room I'll be taking over. A lot of stuff my folks send here and going to waste or already useless like tvs. Needless to say the room is 40 percent ready to use and needs a unit and a fridge so that my nephew and friends he brings over don't touch my stuff. As well the bedroom needing more locks to ensure security and finally clean the balcony for my dog to play around in.

C and I have somewhat consistent talks or well some messages going to and from us. It hurts my heart to not be with them or around but I need to get better and being back there will just make me use them as a crutch for everything again...

Again another short post so some images will be posted to fill some space.

#diary #journal #mexico

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littlemissjrgd · 2 years ago

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03/02/2023: Marvelous March

I am slowly deteriorating, please send help!

It all started in January 2020, I started having headaches that are hard to bear and sometimes lasts for days. I initially thought it was my eye, so I had my eyes checked. I also thought that my prolong computer use was the issue but it’s weird because I’ve never experienced this much pain in the past and I have worked behind the computer since 2012.I felt scared because I thought I have a brain tumor, given my family history so I asked my primary care physician to order an MRI for me. I had an MRI, but she did not find anything, as it turns out I suffer from chronic migraines. I was given some pain pills and was sent out the door. It magically disappeared when I started working from home which was good.

Then, when I turned 30, I was diagnosed with having hormonal imbalance. I found out about it when I bleed for 3 months. Not sure, how long I’ve had it because if I didn’t bleed for 3 months I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor and have it checked. Looking back, I just realized that maybe all the painful zits and breakouts that I had since I got my period was related to this, maybe the dysmenorrhea as well.

In August 2021, I started going to therapy due to my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

In November 2021, I found out that I was suffering from severe dry eyes after visiting an optometrist due to severe eye pain. That same optometrist decided to quit on me because he said that my case was too difficult for him to handle. But it was okay because he sent me a referral to go see an ophthalmologist for better assessment.

In April 2022, I found out that I have Plantar Calcaneal Spur (Heal Spur) and Plantar Fasciitis on both my feet. I found out about this after accompanying my aunt for one day and we spent the whole day walking around. Days and weeks have passed, and I was still having feet pain, so I went to the Dr. for a consultation, and I got an X-Ray, I was expecting the Dr. to say oh you just need to get some rest and maybe a foot massage, but boy I was wrong. I came out feeling so shaken because I was prescribed a pain pill that I haven’t heard of, I was told to wear shoes with arch support, and I was told that if I am ready, I can get a surgery.

In September 2022, I found out that I was pre-diabetic. It all started when I started seeing an unusual number of skin tags on my neck and when I went to the dermatologist I was told that it could be Acanthosis Nigricans(AN), it is a condition that is linked to diabetes and before she does anything, she wanted me to get a lab test to be sure and that is what I did. 24 hours later my primary physician contacted me and told me that I was pre-diabetic. Prior to the lab test, I had an episode at home where in I woke up feeling really woozy, I got up to pee, but I was too woozy so I fell, as it turns out my sugar went really low. Currently, I am not taking any medications to manage my diabetes, I was just trying to be mindful about what I eat, and I exercise. I don’t drink soda and eat chocolate as much as I did before my diagnosis.

Last month, February 2023 I experienced some gum soreness, initially I thought that it was just because of a Taco chip irritation as it turns out my 6-year molar (tooth #3) had to be extracted. It came as a shock because I have always practiced good oral hygiene and I visited the dentist regularly.

I am not really sure why I wrote an entry about all of my diagnosis in the last three years. I have no reason other than to keep track of it. I also just want to pour my heart out and let everything out of my chest because I am only in my early 30s, but I feel like I am slowly falling apart. I feel so young to have all these issues in my medical history. I haven’t even mentioned the chronic back pains. I wonder how many 30-year-olds are going through the same thing.

Anyhow, if you are going through the same things that I am, I wish you well and I want to let you know that you are not alone.

If you are reading this, I hope that you always choose to be kind, in a world where you can be anything I hope you always choose to be kind because you never know what people are going through. Some people may look okay and well on the outside but deep inside the pain that they are feeling is insurmountable.

I am not going to lie there are days where I do not feel 100%, there are days where I just try to get by, to survive because I have no other choice.

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jaimiewillgoplaces · 2 years ago

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Corona Del Mar, California

I am slowly deteriorating, please send help!

In August 2021, I started going to therapy due to my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

Anyhow, if you are going through the same things that I am, I wish you well and I want to let you know that you are not alone.

I am not going to lie there are days where I do not feel 100%, there are days where I just try to get by, to survive because I have no other choice.

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eternitas · 7 months ago

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I'm so fucking frustrated I just gotta vent right now

So many things make my life hell right now, I really don't fucking need an egocentric director who believes he is the second coming of shakespear to bar me and my group from using the stage. We are playing in the beginning of september, they play in the end of the year. Yes, I repeat, he barred the stage for everybody else a half a year before they are playing.

Now I have to confront him about this tomorrow and probably can't escape an hard confrontation because this guy has his head so fucking far up his own ass. I'm so pissed.

It doesn't help that I am already flooded with other things like my fathers deteriorating physical and mental health which only reminds me that I won't have him for long anymore, my mothers continuous abuse of him and feeling like she is lying and manipulating me in newer and more complicated ways making me financially still very dependable on her (still can not believe she said to my dad that she'd force me to break up and leave my fiance when my father is dead, even if she said it in the moment that is still haunting me).

It also doesn't help that I have been in a steady mental decline when it comes to my health overall, suffering on the edge of substance abuse every time I feel aweful and can't handle enduring the pain, plus being off therapy for several years now and needing different medication but my appointments are months apart so nothing is moving and I just have to sit with this pain and endure it, having mental meltdown after meltdown, suicidal downs to suicidal downs-- at this point i don't have anything that truly makes me happy, it's just bursts of small flashes of what could be a nice life and then it's over and I am back in the abyss.

The heat is killing me, i am trying to stay strong for my fiance but I am slowly cracking, I have aquaintances that tell me I am too much and distance themselves from me, i have nobody professional to speak to, nothing that takes my mind off of everything and at this point I get more and more drawn to self harm and self destructive tendencies because I don't have anything else.

I try to write but lately I have been noticing more and more people being fed up and annoyed with me and just because nobody outright says it doesn't mean I don't notice it I am not stupid. It really feels like the only people I can trust even a tiny bit are those I have known for YEARS and YEARS now. People who value me as a person and want me alive. People who have been with me through some really tough times and would fight tooth and nail for me.

I'm so fucking frustrated and at this point I don't know where to go with it. I might just comit a crime tomorrow if I lose myself and get violent because this bastard is pushing my buttons.

I am so done. I am so tired, so exhausted, so deeply deeply frustrated and just done with life. Like what's the fucking point anymore.

#vent post you have been warned

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michelleleewise · 3 years ago

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Get Out

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warnings: mentions of injury, talk of surgery, angst, crying, depression, swearing, mentions of cheating, no happy ending......yet........

Summary: you wake up in med bay to devastating news.....

Part three--Part four-

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You slowly opened your eyes, squinting as the light blinded you. "Y/n, your awake!" Bruce said coming over "how are you feeling?" He asked as he shined a light in your eyes. "Like death." You groaned as he put the light away. "How long was i out? What happened?" You asked "about a week, we had to keep you pretty sedated for the surgery." He said as eyes widened. "What surgery?" You asked tilting your head. "Y/n, we did everything we could." Bruce said sitting down on the bed "what are you talking about?" You started panicking as he cleared his throat.

"When the kife went into your shoulder, it severed some of your tendons. I tried to go in and reattach them but the poison on the blade had already deteriorated the tissue and nerves around them, there wasn't anything I could do." Bruce said looking down. "W...what are you saying?" You asked "you've lost all function of that arm y/n." He said looking at you. You looked down at your arm, seeing the skin was still discolored, as you willed it to move, nothing happening. "There must be something, I can do physical therapy, or a different surgery or..." you rambled "no y/n, the damage was too much, there's no way to repair it, it.....it's most likely permanent." He said

"No! No I want a second opinion! There has to he something!" You yelled sitting up. "If you want, I can have Steven come by and talk to you, he's looked over everything as well." Bruce said standing up. "Yes, get him please." You said moving your arm as he nodded leaving the room. You sat staring out the window when you heard a knock on the door, watching Steven walk in. "Y/n, Bruce told me you wanted to see me." He said grabbing a chair. "Yes, what can I do about my arm?" You asked looking at him. He sighed "there is nothing we can do, the nerve damage was too extensive, it can't be repaired. Unfortunately you'll never regain use of your arm." He said watching you.

"No, no, no! What am I supposed to do with one arm!? How am I supposed to go on missions?" You yelled, tears streaming down your face. "Tony is working on that now, your going to be grounded from now on." He said "w..what does that mean?" You asked wiping your face. "You'll be behind a desk, researching or doing coms for missions, no more field work." He said leaning forward. "B...but that's why I became an agent, not to be behind a desk!" You yelled, fresh tears spilling down your cheeks. "I'm sorry y/n." He said standing up "just get out." You said sitting back. "Do you need anything?" He asked "no, just leave." You said, turning your attention back to the window as he left.

You watched two birds circle eachother, landing on a tree branch, nuzzling with eachother, it made you think of Loki. Memories flooded your mind, how he would sit next to you on the couch, nuzzling his face into your neck before kissing under your ear. How he would come up behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle, kissing the nape of your neck, whispering how much he loved you. You covered your mouth as you sobbed. You had lost your heart, your arm and your job within weeks, you had nothing left. You laid the bed down, curling into a ball as the sobs wracked through you. "You really are useless y/n." You said to yourself as you closed your eyes, hoping to wake up from this nightmare.

"Hey, where's Loki?" Bucky asked Thor, walking into the common room. "Most likely his chambers, I haven't seen him since they returned from their mission, why do you ask?" Thor asked leaning on the counter. "Because y/n she...well she's in bad shape, she needs him." Bucky said "from last I head they are, what do you call it broken up?" Thor asked as Bucky shook his head "yeah, they are, but she still loves him." Bucky said crossing his arms. "And he has told me he loves her, but he knows she won't forgive him." Thor told him. "What exactly did he do? Y/n wouldn't tell me." Bucky asked "You'll have to ask him, it is not my place to say, but y/n is not wrong for how she feels." Thor said as Bucky nodded. "Well, time for him to get his shit together then." Bucky said storming off.

Bucky got off the elevator, coming to Loki's door he pounded on it "Hey, laufeyson open up!" He yelled getting no response. "Look, I know your in there, open the door." He said still hearing nothing. "Jarvis, open Loki's door." He said to the ceiling. "I'm sorry sir, Mr laufeyson has put up the do not disturb, I cannot unlock it." Jarvis answered as Bucky shook his head. He grabbed the knob, trying to turn it, it not budging. "Alright, you wanna be like that?" He said to the door as he flexed his metal arm "last chance Loki, open the door." He said, still nothing.

He pulled his arm back as he hit the door as hard as he could, watching it fly open smacking into the wall. "Must you be so uncouth?" Loki snapped. Bucky looked around the dark room, spotting him in a chair in the corner, his hair a mess, looking like he hadn't changed clothes in a week. "If you would have opened the door instead of being a child, I wouldn't have to be." Bucky said closing the door the best he could, turning on the lights. "What are you doing here you oaf?" Loki snapped again as Bucky sighed. "Well, I thought maybe we could play hopscotch, what the hell do you think im doing here?" Bucky snapped grabbing a chair as Loki rolled his eyes.

"You look like hell." Bucky said sitting across from him. "You really know how to charm someone don't you?" Loki snarked. "Look, you and I have never really talked, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt." Bucky said leaning back. "Oh lucky me." Loki sighed crossing his arms. "What happened with you and y/n?" He asked eyeing him. "It's not your concern soldier, it is between me and her." Loki snapped. "Well see, She's my friend and I care about her, so it is my concern because right now she's lieing in a hospital bed, alone because the man she loves is pouting." Bucky said leaning his elbows on his knees. "So, what happened?" He asked again.

Loki sighed looking down "long story short, I lost site of what was important. I...made mistakes that I can't take back. I put other things above her, and when she tried to correct me I didn't listen." Loki said fidgeting with his fingers. "Did you cheat on her?" He asked "no, I did not. But, she believes I did because....my stupidity got the better of me." Loki said looking out the window. "Meaning?" Bucky asked motioning with his hand. "The night she broke up with me, We had gotten into and argument. She accused me of having an affair, for the umpteenth time. And instead of reassuring her that I loved her, and only wanted her, my anger got the better of me. And i...." he trailed off sighing "I told her if she was going to accuse me, I may as well do it." Loki said closing his eyes as Bucky looked down.

"So, I went to the party, leaving her in our room. I had no intention of doing anything, i was just....I wasn't thinking." Loki continued "this woman walked up to me, I don't even know who she was, and asked me to go get some air with her. We went to the balcony where she made her intentions very clear, I tried to dissuade her as kindly as I could, but she kissed me." Loki said swallowing "and in my surprise I froze, I didn't stop her, and I believe y/n saw." He said clearing his throat. "A few minutes later my brother came out, telling me of what y/n had said, and when I went to our room...well you know the rest." He sighed looking down. "Loki, you have got to be the biggest...." Bucky started sitting back "You need to fix this, all of it." He said. "And how pray tell do you suppose I do that? She won't even speak to me, and now...." Loki trailed off "now she's hurt because of me." Loki sighed.

"The mission was not your fault. Yes it went south but neither of you knew they had poisoned knives, or how many agents were there." Bucky said. "All I know is y/n is devastated. She's been laying there, staring out the window for days. She won't eat, she won't talk to anyone. Shes....shut down." Bucky said looking at Loki. "And right now, she needs the one person who can still reach her." He said. "I lost her trust James." Loki said as Bucky stood up "do you love her?" He asked "yes I do, more then anything." Loki answered. "Well, the way I see it, you love her and want her back? Prove it." Bucky said opening the door. "How am I supposed to do that?" Loki asked. Bucky turned around "You know her better then most of us, grow a spine and figure it out, and soon." Bucky said leaving.

Loki looked out the window, setting his book down on the table he stood. Going to the closet he grabbed a fresh pair of clothes, heading to the bathroom, deciding with new determination to fix what he had broken.

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

@vbecker10 @high-functioning-lokipath @buttercupbestie @cabingrlandrandomcrap @lonadane @mcufan72 @daggers-and-mischief @lily-sinclair-2006 @lokisninerealms @lokiprompts @limiworld @mochie85 @sinsandguilt @chickencouncilrep @lulubelle814 @midnights-ramblings @commanding-officer @xorpsbane @waiting-for-cas-to-save-me @stupidthoughtsinwriting @lokixryss @froggiecky @intoxicatinginsanity @huntress-artemiss @sekaishell @slpnbty2001 @your-taste-on-my-lips @usagishira @lokis-coffee221 @kats72 @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @midgardianminx @lokisgoodgirl @lucylaufeyson3

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ultraintrovertedgryffindor · 4 years ago

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Yes ! Can you maybe do an imagine where the reader breaks up with Will because they dont think they’re good enough for him ?? But with a happy ending where they get back together because he really wants to be with them

Of course, sweet Anon!😊 Man, y'all really love angst lmao In retrospect, this might be a bit too angsty😬I blame Bo Burnham's Inside

This imagine is going to be really depressing, like a lot. There will be mentions of attempted suicide and self harm so, SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING.

~~~~~~~~~~

It had been over a year since you broke up with Will.

You'd never felt more depressed in your life, but you thought it was the right decision at the time. What bullshit that turned out to be...

Your crippling insecurity forced your mind to think you didn't deserve to have someone as amazing as Will, he was so thoughtful and you were so, well, so dependent.

You weren't in the best stage of your life when you met Will, you were in a really dark place and you had even more trouble getting out of it. You haven't really made much progress since then, but you tried.

You just wanted to feel better for once. Every day, you just felt like you were drowning and taking Will with you.

He was your rock, and he made sure that he was right beside you every time you felt bad. Of course, being an actor, he had to go away sometimes and you always told him that you'd be fine. You weren't, of course, but you were always so happy for him whenever he'd book a film or TV show because it made him happy.

There were days you just felt numb, mostly when Will wasn't with you. Those days you'd just lay in your bed, sob uncontrollably until the exhaustion would put you to sleep.

Will felt helpless, and you could always see it on his face. He was worried about you, he wanted to help you, but it wasn't something that he could change or do anything about. Him worrying about you day and night made you feel even worse, that was not what you wanted for him. He deserved to be with something that lifted him up and encouraged him, not someone who's depressing all the time and unintentionally bringing him down with them. No...you didn't want that for him at all.

It was inevitable, but it didn't make it any easier to break up with him.

Will's heartbroken face would forever be engrained in your mind, but you kept telling yourself it was in his best interest.

You cried the hardest you ever cried in your entire life. You loved him so much, you didn't want to let him go, but you couldn't let your toxicity ruin his life. And you honestly thought that it would get better in time, but it only made your mental state deteriorate ever more.

One night, when the pain got too hard to handle, you took and broke your shaving razors, taking out the blades.

In hindsight, you really wished you hadn't, you felt embarrassed about it for the longest time. But trying to look on the bright side, it did force you to finally get the professional help you needed. Therapy, medication, the whole nine yards. You kicked yourself for not getting yourself help sooner, because you felt better now that you were going to therapy.

You still struggled a lot, but you knew once you found the right medication, it would become more bearable, and it did eventually. It took a lot of hard work.

You thought about Will a lot, what he was up to, if he found someone else that he loved. The thought was painful, but all you wanted for him was to find true happiness.

One day, you decided to go out to a coffee shop one morning, as opposed to just Postmateing yourself like you normally did. Your therapist did say you needed to get out more, so you took their advice.

You walked through town, a simple little coffee shop catching your eye. The name sounded familiar to you, though you couldn't quite place why. You didn't think you'd been to this place before, you usually made your own coffee, but you wanted to give it a try.

The light ring of a bell filled your ears as you opened the front door. It was a really cold morning, so the warm heat hitting your skin and inhaling the strong smell of coffee and freshly made bakeries put a small smile on your face.

You were thankful that there wasn't a line, possibly to early in the morning, maybe you got there before the usual early birds. Though looking around, it was a small place, only a few book readers scattered amongst the small tables that were set up opposite of the counter where you ordered.

While waiting for your coffee, a wall full of art caught your eye. You walked closer to look at all the pieces, all of them painted by customers. Hmm, cute...

You didn't really acknowledge the bell ringing once more, signaling an arrival of another customer, to focused on the pretty art.

"Hey!" You heard one of the workers say cheerfully, probably addressing the new customer. "Your usual, Will?"

Your smile dropped. Ha, what are the odds, right?

"Yep, of course. Thank you."

Then, your heart dropped.

You recognized that voice anywhere. Now you knew why this shop sounded so familiar, it was Will's favorite place to get coffee, he had mentioned it to you before. Of course, of all the coffee places in town, you had to pick this one.

You slowly turned around, your heart beating out of your chest and almost coming to a complete stop once you laid eyes on his face. That face you always thought about, even in your dreams. "Wi-"

"Y/n!" You cringed as the coffee shop worker called out your name, telling you that your coffee was ready.

Will immediately snapped his gaze over to you, clearly having trouble believing it was actually you. You stood there awkwardly, having a hard time reading his expression. Was he mad? Sad? Happy?

"Y/n." Will almost whispered, taking a couple steps closer to you.

Will looked the same, just as handsome as when you last saw him. His eyes were locked onto you, looking you over in awe. He thought you looked so much healthier now, but always thinking that you look stunning, no matter the circumstance.

"How...how are you?" Will started, a small smile finally stretching across his lips. "You look," He chuckled softly, "amazing."

You looked down slightly when your face started to burn, all of your blood seeming to rush right to your face from one simple compliment. "Thank you." You said sheepishly. "You look amazing too, as usual."

Now it was Will's turn to blush, his easy to spot with his fair complexion. "Uh, do you wanna, maybe, sit down? Or we could go somewhere else, if you want to, that is. Don't feel pressured or anything." He rambled.

You smiled. "Yeah, sure." You grabbed your coffee and joined Will at the table he chose to sit at. "So, uh, how've you been?" You asked, taking tiny sips of your hot drink.

"Good, good. I'll be filming a new project soon, so that'll be fun." Will paused for a beat, then sighing despairingly . "I've been, uh, thinking about you. A lot."

"I've been thinking about you too."

"I kinda lied. I am filming something soon but, I haven't been good. Ever since we broke up, life just...kind of feels a bit grey now."

You frowned, biting your lip hard to keep tears from welling up in your eyes. "I'm sorry, Will..." You whispered. "I thought you'd be better off without me to drag you down. I was such a burden."

Will furrowed his brows, shaking his head with a frown. "No. You weren't dragging me down, I loved you, Y/n. I would've done anything for you. I know that you struggled a lot with your mental health, but I wanted to be with you through all that. I never thought you were a burden, not for a second."

"I just," You wiped an unwanted tear from your cheek, "I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship then. I've been working really hard on my health and now that I have a clearer mindset, I think it was probably for the best that I broke up with you when I did."

Will took a deep breath. "I respect that. I do. I'm happy for you, that you're better now. I don't want this to come off as selfish...but I still love you. I want to be with you. But I understand if you can't be in a relationship right now. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes if you'll let me."

You blushed furiously once more. At this point, you practically wanted to throw yourself at this man. You didn't care if it didn't work out again, you still wanted him, badly.

"I still love you too, Will. Always have."

Will smiled softly. "I don't want you to be my partner again if you're not ready."

"I don't know if I am, I'm still working on myself, but...goddamn I wanna kiss you so bad right now." You said, eliciting another blush and a shy laugh from Will.

You answered him by leaning forward slowly, rubbing your nose against his before gent as you smiled widely at him, leaning closer. You almost shivered as his cold hands reached over to delicately trace your jawline, the gesture automatically putting you in a sort of trance where you could only look into his eyes.

"I really want to kiss you." Will giggled, fully cupping the side of your jaw. "May I?"

You answered him by leaning forward slowly, rubbing your nose against his before gently connecting your lips with his.

Over a year of wanting and missing Will, you ignored your dislike of PDA, you've needed this for so long. The spark you always felt when you kissed him was still there, still giving you goosebumps along with an intense desire you definitely couldn't act on in this coffee shop.

Will pulled away, only to rest his forehead against yours, his eyes closed just relishing in the moment. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too." You chuckled breathlessly.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to rush back into things. We can take it slow if that's what you want."

This man was always such a gentleman, but it just made you even more eager to take him home with you.

"Right now, I don't think I'm capable of taking things slow." You said, a almost seductive tone to your voice.

Will smiled playfully, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "That's absolutely not taking things slow."

"How about we go to my place? Make up all the lost time?" You asked not as confidently, the feeling of rejection making you nervous, but Will smiled gently, taking a hold of your hand and kissing you once more.

"Lead the way."

~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed! Hopefully it wasn't too depressing and dark in the beginning.

#will poulter #will poulter imagine #will poulter x reader #tw depression #tw sh #trigger warning

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shrimpngritcakes · 4 years ago

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Buddie prompt #3: 9-1-1 & Lone Star crossover idea

I’m putting this idea here for someone to claim if they wish. It was originally posted on Ao3 (now with additions), but deleted it due to ToS. If anyone wants this prompt, please comment below so I can delete it after you copy it to prevent similar stories.

His breaking point was a kiss.

One he knew he wasn't supposed to see. With anyone else he would feel like a voyeur, but all he could feel was a dark emptiness opening in his chest.

With Eddie’s truck being in the shop for a tie rod that had broken while at work, sending Eddie into a storm of cursing in Spanish, Ana had picked him up for their latest date.

And dropped him off.

If was a horrible fluke that Buck had stood up to look out the window at just the wrong moment. He should have been in the spare bedroom asleep after a grueling 24 surrounded by all the things he had brought with him when he moved in all those weeks ago.

Buck makes his excuses to leave while Eddie is completely confused and trying to get him to talk. Eddie tries to call Buck but he doesn't pick up.

Buck goes to see Bobby and Athena. It all spills out, including not feeling wanted by his parents. Bobby thinks Eddie is being an idiot but keeps this to himself. He suggests a leave of absence for mental health. Bobby receives permission from his superior to place Buck on open ended leave after giving him a brief explanation of the situation. Ending with him saying to Bobby, “That poor boy. If I ever meet that boy's parents…”

Bobby answers, “Get in line, but there may not be anything left after Athena gets them first.”

TK is surprised to find a sleeping Buck in his Jeep in the parking lot of the 126. An off duty Carlos takes him back to his place where he crashes on the couch. Buck has a nightmare and Carlos talks him down.

Owen calls Bobby saying he has his boy and they'll take care of them. He has a plan and discusses it with Bobby. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder concept.

“Is it mutual?”

“I’m not 100% sure, but…”

“You can't tell Eddie. Even if he begs for answers for his son, you need to stand strong. It needs to be him asking for himself. If this goes wrong… We'll take Buck in here. He'll have a home with the 126. It will take a while, but we'll help put him back together as best we can until he's back on his feet. He won't be alone.”

Bobby wipes at his face, “Thank you."

“Let's hope this works.”

Eddie is worried and confused why Buck never came home. His phone is going straight to voicemail. Now he isn't there for his shift. Another man comes in and introduced as Buck's temporary replacement. Eddie asks Bobby where Buck is, but he won't give him a straight answer. Eddie is shocked as Bobby's tone is harsh and he glaring at him. Bobby later apologized and explains that Buck requested that only he and Maddie know where he is. Eddie tries to dig, but Bobby just shakes his head with a, “I'm sorry, Eddie. I can't tell you.”

Eddie asks Maddie, but she just slams the door in his face. Chim doesn’t know as she's refusing to tell them where Buck is. Chim delivers her handwritten apology the next day to Eddie. It states Buck needs space from everything, but mostly leaves out the part about Eddie (only one or two things that hint, but it goes over Eddie's head).

Athena almost breaks down and calls Eddie a fool before storming away to her police cruiser. She doesn't know where he is because Bobby refuses to tell her (which she finds annoying yet commendable), but she was there for the why when Buck broke down. She'll apologize after Buck and Eddie return. Hopefully together.

Filler with Buck and the 126 and Carlos. Judd takes him out on a horse like he did Capt. Strand. Fill a pothole on how Grace and him are so accepting of TK's sexuality despite being religious.

A Facetime therapy session where Copeland assures him its okay to get away for a while.

Eddie doesn't quite realize yet that he's slowly losing it, but the others can tell.

Paul and Buck have a conversation.

Christopher asking where Buck is because it's movie night. Eddie doesn't have an answer.

Eddie rages in the station gym trying to understand. He almost gets it, but he thinks Buck is jealous of Eddie, not Ana. Cue Hen groaning under her breath, "You almost got it, Eddie. Come on. Keep thinking."

TK, Carlos, and Paul take Buck out to a club. TK talks absentmindedly to the bartender, even showing him/her a picture of Eddie from Insta. Word spreads about the "new guy," Buck. Others keep the “creeps" away from Buck. Buck loosens up a little while there.

Buck Facetimes Christopher on Carla's phone, only for Eddie to walk in just as Buck is hanging up. He sees Buck's panicked/sad face right before he hangs up. He tries to call back, but doesn't get an answer. Carla huffs and shakes her head. "Figure it out yourself, hun. I can't give you this answer. You need to find it for yourself." Cue Eddie even more confused. This is all just about Buck's parents and jealous over Ana... Isn't it?

Roller derby to cheer on Marjan with the bartender flirting with Buck, who is all kinds of flustered. Carlos, TK, and the others tease him mercilessly.

A massive fire where Buck offers his help. Paul gives Buck as sidehug in gratitude.

Eddie almost punching the mechanic because his truck still isn't done.

Marjan takes Buck out to do something crazy because she's Firefox. (Buck is still starstruck). Maybe skydiving or they race each other at wall climbing? Cue competitive banter.

Owen keeping Bobby updated on Buck.

Buck eventually asks for a transfer. Owen asks if this is what he really wants. Buck just shrugs and asks helplessly what other option he has.

(Optional: Bucks gets up quietly at night for a glass of water and stumbles onto Carlos and TK having sex/making out in the kitchen. Buck either flees in embarrassment or is stunned into watching with Carlos and TK aware that he's there. All parties awkward and/or embarrassed the next morning until TK bursts into giggles and laughter.)

Eddie's relationship with Ana is rapidly deteriorating. Christopher has a full on tantrum. Eddie has to koala hug him on the floor, after Ana brings him back home from a not very good date as Eddie's thoughts were on Buck. Ana tries to help calm him down but Chris screams at her about Buck not being around as much as soon as she started dating his dad. “I hate you! I hate you!” He yells her to get out. Ana still tries to talk. Carla snaps at her to leave. She still tries.

Eddie is spiraling. Flashback of that kiss he really wasn’t ready for, but Ana had asked. It dawns on him that that was the night Buck disappeared. Why would Buck leave because of that? Chris is repeatedly asking her to leave, but she's not listening. She's not listening to his son. He finally snaps and demands that she leaves. She storms out. Relationship dead in the water.

Carla can only watch as Eddie breaks from it all.

The original plan has failed, so it’s time for the final attempt. A blatant hammer strike to Eddie's head to knock some sense into him.

Bobby calls Eddie into his office. He shows Eddie transfer papers from Buck along with a list of Buck's possessions to be boxed and shipped. Eddie is speechless. Thoughts of Christopher and losing Buck. He's losing Buck.

He shows Eddie an email he received and Eddie slowly scrolls through, It's full of captioned pictures. Such as:

-Buck staring off into the distance on a horse.

-Buck curled on a couch looking lost.

-Buck looking drool-worthy in club clothes. The caption: “Holy sh@t! If I wasn't already happily taken…”

-Showing Buck blushing as someone talks in his ear.

-Smiling yet not reaching his eyes while dancing.

-Sitting with his head buried in his hands on the engine’s bumper.

-Helping man a hose at a large blaze captioned with “Yes, we had permission for him to be there.” Followed by a picture of someone (Paul, but Eddie can’t see his face as he’s looking at the ground and hidden by his helmet) sidehugging a sweaty dusty still geared up Buck around the neck with a hand resting on his head.

A video. It's Buck spilling everything curled up in someone's arms (maybe Carlos or Grace). “Why am I always alone! What about me?” Mentions of Abby and Ali. His failed dates. Everyone pairing up. Losing part of his sister to Chim after finally having her back in his life after so many years apart. “And Eddie! Eddie… Why does love hurt so much?” mentioning Chris. Etc.

Eddie is shaking. It finally clicks why Buck left.

One more video. It's Capt. Strand and the 126 facing the camera. He knows where Buck is now - Austin, Texas.

“Buck doesn't know we're putting all this together. He’s asleep. We may or may not have knocked him out with sleeping pills.”

They all lay it out for Eddie. Eddie feels all kinds of stupid and blind. “Now, you have a choice here, Edmundo Diaz…”

“Why… Oh my god. This entire time… ”

“Do you love him, Eddie? As more than a friend? Or am I signing these papers?”

A few seconds after Eddie runs out of the room, a sigh comes from the speaker phone. “I'll get things set up.”

“Thank you, Owen. For everything.”

“You're welcome.”

The whole firehouse going up in a cheer after Eddie floors out of the parking lot in his thankfully finally fixed truck. Hen is shaking Chim or vice versa.

Carla agrees over the phone to keep Christopher after Eddie blurts everything out to her, ending with a “Go get him, Eddie.”

“Did everyone see this but me?” Carla is laughing as she hangs up.

Buck sees Owen call TK over and whispering in his ear. Tk has an interesting reaction before running out of the room with his phone already to his ear.

Flashbacks as Eddie is scrolling through his pictures on his phone while on an airplane. How he missed it. How he didn't understand himself. His fall had been so slow he hadn't even realized it until it was almost, or maybe is, too late. His seatmate makes a comment on his happy “family," and it’s a kick to Eddie's already flayed emotions.

Judd is there to pick him up at the airport, which surprised him.

He's dropped off at a club. Judd makes a snarky comment after handing Eddie a hotel room key card through the window. Eddie rolls his eyes as Judd drives off laughing. The bouncer, having seen the Diaz blazoned on the back of his LAFD shirt, waves Eddie inside, skipping the line. The whispering starts as soon as he enters. Word had spread and they had been hoping for Buck. “Is that…”

“I think so.”

He's shocked as the crowd starts to part for him. The music lowers in volume. People are staring and he's embarrassed, etc., but he sees Buck, who TK has made sure looks phenomenal. Taking a deep breath, he squares his shoulders and walks forward.

Buck is dancing between Carlos and TK. He feels Carlos start smacking TK on the back before they pull away from him. They’re both grinning so wide he suspects their faces are hurting. TK is not so quietly squealing in excitement.

A hand covers his eyes from behind. He immediately recognizes the body wash smell. “Eddie…”

Mini conversation/argument, neither realizing the club has gone dead silent, with Eddie yelling “Because I love you, you idiot!”

The entire club loses it with TK whooping, jumping with a fist punch, and laughing.

End there with a kiss, at the hotel room which may or may not get steamy, or Buck telling Christopher he's home with Chris tackling him to the ground.

#buddie #free buddie prompt

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seaswalllow · 4 years ago

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fundy stream notes! i’ll release the book transcripts soon after, and link them here! i noted down important actions, and quotes that... i really just want to analyze later.

please note beforehand: this stream has heavy themes of derealization, uses heartbeat sound effects, and there is a chase scene at the end.

starts off on the DSMP server with niki + ranboo, asks them to sleep, wakes up, walks outside, desert, HOW

sky flickers black, even when the sun is out

there’s something to be said abt why his mindscape is a,,, d e s e r t,,,,

drug van sighted, it’s all downhill from here boys [just like before haha]

“where am i” fuck knows dude, we are all just as clueless as you. “why am i here” WE’D LOVE TO KNOW THAT TOO

11:10 wilbur and fundy nametags sighted

we… never actually see them, funnily enough, just the still nametags, and while i think that was intentional because of recording design, i also,, h r m

there is a fucking house in the distance. i don’t trust this

“ANYONE” [thinks of “you called, but nobody came”]

ominous staircase WOOOO “no no no- yes” what a MOOD, curiosity killed the fox ig

why are there chains in the corner. why is there a skull and blood in the corner.

[book one]

16:04 first cut to black and wakeup

he’s starting to get more stressed, shouting

his chests are all empty, and the base is cobwebbed? :(

“i am not real? none of this is real? it sure seems real to me! this most definitely seems real to me”

“why am i alone? why is there nobody? why is this happening to me?”

drug van again- this time wilbur is gone, and the house is definitely closer

“this is funny, this is great! this is amazing! it’s just a prank! it’s april fools soon! that’s why! oh i’m just being pranked! right?” panik.png

“can i enter?” [can’t get into the drug van] ripppppppp

the table with the yellow carpet deteriorated, there’s a skull behind it, am i reaching in making a wilbur connection?

[book two]

21:52 second cut to black and wakeup

mans is losing his shit

laughing and saying this is a joke, over and over again

:( somebody give this man therapy

22:48 “it’s not real, none of this is real. i am not real! this cannot be real! why does this keep happening to me?” oh no :( he’s wayyyy outta denial now

“they’re toying with me. everybody is toying with me, they are always toying with me! everyone is! i’m always being played with!” PLEASE I’M CRYING

“why? why does it always have to be me? no! every single time!”

oh that house is right on his doorstep now, i don’t trust that shit

b e n c h?

25:20 “it’s not real. i’m currently not real. how is this possible?” he went from saying he was real to the other end real fast.. :(

26:12 “i just gotta sleep, and then it’s all gonna disappear! and then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and say surprise! and i’m gonna be like you guys! you are always pranking me! but you’ve always been there for me… every single time… except sometimes… when i needed you the most…” [getting quieter and sniffling a ton]

27:07 “and we’re gonna go back to my old life where i have fun and join parties and join groups and only see them disappear in front of my eyes as i start to get attached to them. yeah. that’s the choice i’m making. go back to that.”

no drug van in sight around. and as fundy goes looking more [28:36] he finds a still smoking/burning crater. uh. presumably this can be… representative of l’manberg. oh dear.

“no. nonono, no, i don’t- no. i want to find out. i need to find out.” [29:25]

this time the house is much darker. the table around the chest is completely broken down, no yellow carpet, no red carpet, the floor has eroded some around the chest too.

[book three]

34:17 the signed book is sighted, signed by ItsFundy, which,,, y e a h,,,, and it’s dated 30/3/2021

[book four]

36:48 he stops reading to leave, in utter disbelief. outside, it is nighttime.

he rejoices in the fact that he can wake up, and that he won’t have to read the book. he comes very close to sleeping, but he eventually picks the book back up in pursuit of the truth.

38:06 “and i’ll be back, and i’ll have a blast with everyone. and then this-” he picks the book back up and reads through it.

39:14 third cut to black, and wake up in the base. third time’s the charm!

“every single time! it never ends! can i escape this ever? am i stuck? permanently?” LMAOOO I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW TOO DUDE

opens the door; the house is gone. there is just a shadowy figure standing outside, which slowly turns to look at him.

heartbeat and chase scene start at 39:51

fundy runs. tries to sleep to escape it in a bed surrounded by blackstone slabs.

heartbeat slows, fades out. cut to black.

40:22 casino music starts, quackity (?) smiley fades in, casino slot music fades in. everything cuts to black and to silence.

#fundy #dream smp #tw derealization #liveblogging tag #liveblogging ref #fuck you tumblr <3 we got it through in the end

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lnc2 · 4 years ago

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ignore this i just needed to put some feelings in writing. if you choose to read please note the triggers in the tags are regarding people in the news and ideation so don’t worry about me please and thank you

first of all i need to preface this by saying this is not a cry for help i have help i go to therapy i’m on meds and have a support system i am just processing and venting so please do not worry bc that’s not what this is about

okay

so i’ve been sick for like 13 months at this point and 7 of those months has had me in a pretty bad state. it wasn’t even until april that i was clearheaded enough to read a little and even that was only because i had an iron infusion and even that improvement while great was not Drastic. i could converse better, think a little more clearly, and even read for a while. my exhaustion was better and i could ever go out for a little while. as i’ve gotten farther away from the iron infusion i’ve slowly started deteriorating again with the worst seeming to come back full force this week- shaking, heart racing, nausea, brain fog, dizziness, confusion,inability to concentrate, body aches, insomnia, etc.

i had a full breakdown in the grocery store when i realized i couldn’t read or remember or focus on what i was supposed to be buying which triggered a panic attack. i knew i was bad but i didn’t know i was this bad again because like i said i’m not really going out or even testing my limits at home so i’m not confronted with my inability to do anything in such a noticeable way.

anyways i was talking to my therapist and i was trying to explain how i’m not suicidal but i’ve just noticed the return of suicidal ideation especially as i start to slip into being Worse again and i feel a little hopeless and like i’m never going to get better or even be a person again and how i’m dependent on my parents for everything rn because covid literally took away my ability to take care of myself. and i’m not going to go into all of the feelings of inadequacy and guilt that triggers because frankly i can’t handle that rn and i’m tired and i don’t have therapy next week and i’m not about to poke the bear.

fast forward to like a couple hours ago and i get a notification that a screenwriter just completed suicide after 13 months of battling long haul covid and just- it was like a gut punch. hit v close to home and then i fell down the google rabbit hole of other long haulers who did the same and idek how to describe what i’m feeling. despair, sadness, even a little jealousy. which i know is fucked up but that’s where my head is at some days.

and it’s like, a few days ago i was talking to my therapist about how i didn’t even feel like i could guilt-free think about not having to deal because i know how devastating that would be for my parents and i’ve already put them through so much the last four years. and then there’s also the fact that i’m fueled by an unhealthy amount of spite because fuck everything if i didn’t hurt myself after losing rory and being drugged and then being drugged again i’ll be damned if i let covid take me down. but just some days i really get in my head about how i feel like i can’t catch a break or this will never pass or even just the thought that okay so say i do get better what’s the next disaster that’s going to hit?

idk i’m just really feeling Down this week especially because my body is also feeling worse than i have in a couple months and it’s just getting to me. i just wish that even if my body wasn’t working i still had my mind to fall back on but the fucked up thing about covid is it fucks with your brain function too. and seeing that article just hit hard because i was already dealing with those feelings and had just brought it up to my therapist so it was just a really weird, incredibly sad synchronicity that i haven’t stopped thinking about.

anyways i just needed to put this down somewhere. i’m okay i’m just tired and sad. tired of being sick and sad that people have to deal with this and that there are people dealing with this who lost all hope. i don’t know them but i feel like i know them.

#long post #if you reblog this i'm blocking <3 #tw suicide mention #tw chronic illness #thought dumping so i can sleep

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thejosh1980 · 4 years ago

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

We've sure had a few changes here at The Ocean Shores Resort. It's been a full on month since I last wrote... Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we've been keeping positive, enjoying the cooler days. Damn summer is hot and long here!!!

The past few months have all been about learning to deal with life's unexpected roadblocks and detours.

There's a lot to tell, but I think the main thing is, at least for me, that I've been a student for the first time the late 1990's. I've spent the past 4 weeks in class, learning, studying, researching, getting to know my classmates and finding all of it challenging, stimulating and exciting.

Studying counseling has been surprisingly awesome for my mental health too. I mean, I have had some really challenging days, especially when it comes to some of the assessments. The first one, well I just about quit the course over it. I really was at my wit's end. An assessment, I suspect, that was created by some office nut job in a government position, who never taught a day in his life and thinks his open ambiguous questions are making it easier for us to answer. I think the whole class suffered sleepless nights that week!! Terrible, but I chipped away at it, persevered and managed to finish it a few days early. Not only that, I learnt a lot about myself and the situation at hand, as you know I'm all about the process.

I learnt that I have to work slowly and meaningfully at these assessments. I can't expect to finish it in one sitting or even in one weekend. Just starting and having a go, finding the easier parts to get done first, using different resources (I love how I can spend the day watching youtube videos and count that as research) and making sure I take time to focus on me with a little bit of self care.

Alex has been super great too, as I delve into this mysterious world of study and being a student. She listens to me talk about the counseling theory of the day, the one we just did in class and how great it is because I can already apply it to friends, family or, more importantly, myself, only to hear me talk about the next theory the next day, like it's gods gift to therapy. She proof reads all my work, debates theories, offers very good suggestions (not only is she super self aware, but she's studied psychology) and somehow, I don't know how she does it, but she knows when I need a break and encourages me to take it. Otherwise I would be at the books day and night.

I've also learnt a lot in class about myself. Part of that comes from comparing my experiences, beliefs and knowledge with my classmates. They are all really great people from a wide variety of backgrounds. But some, push my buttons ever so gently, and I love it. I love the challenge of figuring out why I react to that person that way. What is it I'm feeling and why?

I am thankful this is not an online course!

I've gotten to know some classmates fairly well, and I am surprised at how they openly offer words of appreciation and support. Like “your voice is really calming” and “your vulnerability and openness is a breath of fresh air”. I always thought my voice sounded pretty crap! (Yes I know I sing, but that still doesn't mean I like the sound of my own voice). Also, I never thought I was actually being vulnerable, I always thought that I was just sharing stuff, my stuff, in the hope we can understand each other better. I may have to stop that now....

Nahhhh, just kidding...

The course is something that is right for me, right now. I don't think my mental state would have been ready 2 to 5 years ago, let alone 10 or even 20 years ago!!

Besides the 2 afternoons being ruined by frustration, anger and hopelessness, due to the above mentioned assessment from hell, it's been a good 4 weeks into the year long course. I look forward to each day in class... I even go to the college on my off days to work in the library instead of working from home. I just get more done, even though Mijo misses my lap!

I don't know where the course will take me, I haven't even thought of what job I want to do once I'm a qualified counselor. I hope that during my time as a student, the course will guide me in the direction best suited for me. Learn my weaknesses, follow my strengths and work with both. It's all too overwhelming to think too far ahead. See, I'm learning...

Right here and now... That's all that matters....

During my first week at college, Alex changed jobs. Arriving in Australia and diving head first into real estate sales 1 hour away from home was a real high jump to begin with! The pressure of the job, not to mention the 2 hours a day traveling time, the weekend work and the small size of the business with undefined job roles made it tough! Real tough!

Alex decided to side step into an admin position in a bigger real estate company closer to home with defined job roles, massive support and a very positive outlook. She basically took up her role she had in New York. She's lovin' it! I am too. She's home each night at the same time, doesn't bring much work home with her, other than stories of her awesome day, which I love to hear. Additionally she now has her weekends free to explore and relax too.

She also found a psychiatrist who confirmed her ADHD diagnosis. Alex was originally diagnosed in her early 20's after her turbulent teenage years. She had therapy and medication back then but after a huge burn out in the US, she came back to Germany and let it all lapse. It has been a real struggle for her to cope, and at times, I'll be honest, it has put strain on our marriage. Well, 1 day after her first doc appointment and her meds had kicked in, she's become a new woman. It's been great to get to know this side of her. While things are not 100% perfect, I now have a wife who looks forward to getting up and attacking the day with gusto.

Mum's had a hard run lately too... We all know that I came back to help support her as her eye sight slowly deteriorates. I've been here to read every label, drive her to every appointment and help her work the wonderful world of her laptop, printer and Windows. Alex has been alongside us for the ride too. There's been a few recent health issues that have cropped up. I can't go into detail, but it's fair to say, I can see it was the right time to come home and be here to support Mum.

Mum is strong willed, strong minded and independent, and little of that will change while she can fight against all the odds throwin' at her. It's been a tough couple of weeks, and mum's kept focused on the bigger picture, her health, it's been inspiring.

Mijo has been through the wars.

The little deaf cat recently celebrated his 6 month birthday, but the poor fella has something seriously going on with his health which means we are delaying any big celebrations until his 1st birthday... Besides ringworm (it's not actually a worm, it's a fungal infection), a tooth that won't grow down (it grows directly forward and needs to be surgically removed), no appetite and losing weight, he's doing fine! The poor lethargic fella sleeps all day, which is kind of normal, except I can't remember the last time he had the energy to chase a toy or even run.

I haven't been taking him out much, he needs rest. We did explore the beaches, rivers and parks nearby together, I hope that in a few months I can pick up where we left off. For now he needs rest, calmness and another trip or two the vet.

Through all these ups and downs, we're all actually quite good.

My deep hole from February/March is just a blimp on the computer screen of my life. Studying has raised a few challenges but I am working my way through them, determined to kick that courses ass and learn, learn, learn... One day I hope I can help others through similar struggles as my own.

Alex's struggles with ADHD are progressing in the right direction now and her new job sure was the right call. Mum is showing the world she can take on whatever is thrown at her, and then some.

Alex and I keep going from strength to strength. I'm blessed with her support, respect and love. One classmates already calls her “the awesome wife”, and they've never met!! I guess when I talk about my wife, I reek of pride and love, as it should be.

Thanks for reading,

The Josh

#mental health #counseler #education #psychology #family #journal

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cph-dreaming · 4 years ago

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Being Bonkers - Day # 280

“Take my mind and take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, heal, heal

Take my past and take my sins

Like an empty sail takes the wind

And heal, heal, help me heal

And tell me somethings last”

Tom Odell, Heal

By chance I met a former friend of mine the other day that I haven’t seen for more than two years. There are numeral reasons why I more or less consciously cut her out of my life at that time. I had already started to deteriorate emotionally while coming to terms with my physical disorder. At the same time I worked more than 60 hours a week as a manager, focusing on performance, leadership and financial targets, ignoring my own well-being. And she’s the kind of friend that doesn’t accept that kind of shit. She would keep on insisting that I needed to take care of myself at a time in my life where I could do anything but, least of all listening to well meant advice. And she was pregnant, in a stable relationship, and because I was already so fucked up, instead of just being happy for her, she only reminded me of my own shortcomings and all the things that was never going to be in my life.

We ordered a beer and sat down outside my favourite bar. I was on my way to say something like ‘Damned, you look good, it’s so nice to see you again” and all of those platitudes. Before I had even uttered a word she looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and said:

“I know that a few minutes from now you’re going to apologise for not reaching out to me the last two years. And then I’ll apologise to you for not doing the same. So we’ll just waste precious time with banalities instead of listening to each other. The important thing is that I still love you, and I’m pretty sure you still love me, so let’s just forget about trying to justify why we haven’t been there for each other. Ok? Now, what’s happened in your life?”

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder half a year ago and was referred to treatment at the Center for Affective Disorders at the main hospital in Copenhagen, one of the things in group therapy they were adamant about was for us patients not to reach out to people from our past that we have somehow hurt and lost. I really did not understand that, like in not at all! Come on, now I finally have been diagnosed and I can tell people that all the time there’s been this explanation for why I have behaved like shit.

Two months ago I decided to text this dude I haven’t heard from in several months in the middle of the night, basically telling him that I forgave him for not wanting to see me anymore, that I knew I could be too much but that I on the other hand was the only one who really understood him, knew what the shit he was dealing with felt like, and that, by the way, I wouldn’t mind seeing him naked again, that I knew he felt uncomfortable asking me, but that yeah, he could just literally fuck me all night.

I haven’t heard from him and he’s blocked me on social media.

So the need to reach out to people from your past is often a sign of (hypo)manic behaviour. I get that now. On the other hand reaching out when you’re not hypo is often an unproductive endeavour. Yeah, it’s true, there might be a reason why you’ve hurt people beyond forgiveness, but you’ve still hurt them. Telling someone that there’s a reason for an unforgivable sin doesn’t erase that sin and you still have to own up to what you’ve done, psychiatric diagnosis or not. I mean, my former boyfriend won’t feel any better with me telling him that when I’m hypo my libido is uncontrollable and I fuck everyone I meet. I still cheated on him. And even though there’s a reason for my behaviour that I didn’t understand at that time I cannot expect him to be ok with that. Ever.

That is why I was so emotional about meeting that former friend of mine. Even before I had even tried to explain she had decided to forgive me for the wrongs I had done to her, for not being there when she needed me. It also makes me realise that from now on I need to do better. That there might never be another ‘get out of jail card’ with her. And at the same time I am slowly learning that I can be loved and forgiven, whatever grievances, whatever disorder. That with the right people in my life, healing doesn’t have to be a lonely trip all by myself.

I’m so damned happy that my treatment doesn’t involve the word ‘acceptance’. As my therapist said the other day, if you get a cancer diagnosis it won’t make you feel better just by accepting it. It’s ok to be fucking angry about the cards you’ve been dealt! Instead the focus is on ‘mastering’, a word that implies learning about your disorder, acknowledging the hardships of it, and most of all that there’s a lot of work you can do yourself to get better. And it implies a journey. Nothing is static. You’ll probably continue to have ups and downs, whatever meds you’re on for the rest of your life, but there will be progress towards getting better. And there’s hope. There has to be hope. Always. Why the hell would I still go back to the Skamverse if there wasn’t.

“Altijd”

- Robbe, WtFOCK

#personal #living with an mi #being bonkers #wtfam

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duhliriouss · 5 years ago

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A Pawn & A King:

Prologue

AN: I’m so excited to finally be starting this long fic! I know it’s not much yet but I really want everyone to see a good look into the OC first. First chapter and the following ones will be around 3000 words each. Enjoy! And please let me know what you think and want to see. Also for anyone who doesn’t know, this ongoing story will include a lot smut, Dom, abuse, etc..

Warnings: angst, nightmares, mental illness, self harm, addiction

Summary: A look into OC’s personality and nature before being sent into the real world.

Disclaimer: I do not own Joker - Todd Phillips or any character associated in Joker.

Prologue:

You ran.

You weren’t sure where you were going. You weren’t even sure who was chasing you. But you felt it, the fear taking over you and the adrenaline running through your very core. You past buildings and took sharp turns throughout the cities streets as the rain poured down and stuck to your (y/h/c) hair.

You didn’t dare take a second to turn your head as you ran to see how close they were. You felt your heart beat harder and harder in your chest. You could hear it in your ears.

Louder and louder

The sound quickened into a stranger sound as your vision started to blur.

No.. please..

Your body felt waves of currents go through you. Collapsing to the ground, your ears rang as you noticed the ground didn’t feel wet and cold as the pavement should.

You shot your eyes open to the all familiar sound of your alarm.

Another nightmare

You were used to your vivid nightmares at this point. For as long as you could remember you never really went a night without them. The medication you took for your depression had more bad side affects than good.

You sighed, managing to roll over and lazingly slam the alarm with your hand.

4:30 AM

Laying on your back for a moment you pondered about what the day ahead of you consisted of.

Work until 4. It’s Monday, so that means I have therapy at 5 so I need to take the train. That’s gives me barley enough time to pick up some things for dinner then get myself to work again for 7.

I can do this. I can do this

You were never one to complain about working two jobs. You lived in Gotham your whole life and started working since you were young to help support your family. You have always been acustomed to the poor living arrangements you always had.

You worked as a bank teller at Gotham City Bank Monday through Saturday for 2 years now. And you worked at a small, run down laundry mat 3 days a week for a couple hours.

Never having time for friends you always felt alone. You moved out on your own years ago after your mother got you admitted to the hospital for your failed attempts to hurt yourself during your panic attacks. You only stayed for a little less than a year. Once relieved you moved back in for just a few days until you saw apartment applications for roommates in the Daily Gotham Newspaper.

Your mother failed you. You haven’t seen her since.

With one last sigh you stretched until you did one good pop then stood up. You opened the drapes and neatly made your bed propping the decor pillows back on the bed.

Leaving your room you quietly tiptoed to Harvie’s (your roommate) bedroom to see if he was home. You had to check since you didn’t hear the familiar screaming to shut your alarm off.

“He’s not Home” your voice beemed. Must have got too drunk at his buddies and stayed the night. Smiling softly you made your way to the coffee pot and poured the last of the cold liquid into your mug, tossing it in the microwave. You always left a little extra the night before since you didn’t have enough time to make a new pot in the mornings.

( Quick AN: I encourage you listen to Coming Home - Leon Bridges for the remainder of this chapter )

You quickly sucked down your coffee and turned on the radio. You always tended to listen to soft music while getting ready for work on the days Harvie wasn’t home. He never really allowed you to do anything.

You got dressed and made your way to the bathroom and quickly brushed your teeth. You applied a soft makeup look and brushed your long locks. You gracefully rocked your body back and forth to the music as you applied your red lipstick to your plump lips.

“The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth”

you sang along quietly to yourself as you gently smirked to yourself in the mirror. You brushed your hair delicately and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. Your look was complete for the day.

You slowly raised your hands up in the sky as your head followed till all you could see was the dirty molded ceiling. Still rocking back and forth, your head and hips following along to the music, your smile turned wider as you continued singing along.

You danced your way into the kitchen, twisting and turning in your black and red striped dress as you went to gather your things for the day. Your anxiety’s from your nightmare deteriorating, your burdens of everyday worries soothing down to nothing - nothing but a slight euphoric feeling traveling up your slim body.

You were stunning.

Your graceful and angelic steps never seen by many people. But you never let yourself believe it.

You suddenly felt a sharp jab of guilt hit you. Your mind traveling back to the fact you’re only doing this because Harvie isn’t here.

The music beeming in your head can now only be heard from the other side of the room.

You stopped dancing now. Standing there feeling embarrassed you quickly walked over to the radio and shut it off.

Baby I would be grieving if you wanted to leave me alo-

The quietness of the room hit your ears hard. You swallowed hard and made your way to your pack of cigarettes on the nightstand by your bed, pressing it to your lips you inhaled sharply as a single tear fell down your flushed cheek.

You closed your eyes lifting your head slightly letting your hand float in front of your face with the cigarette tight inbetween your fingers.

A small daydream crossed behind your closed eyes. Letting yourself express yourself as you did seconds before in your mind,

but youre being watched this time.

You’re being joined by warm hands being led across the floor and dipped until your (y/h/c) brushed the cold tile. No scolding, no punishment for your actions, just bliss and a unfamiliar feeling of comfort and safety.

There’s no face to this imaginary, mysterious man.

Not yet

Another tear rolls down your cheek. You open your eyes again and take another drag off your cigarette. You look up at the clock

5:15

You don’t bother to wipe the, now almost dried tears, from your face as you grab your things, throw on a black long coat and finally begin to make your way out the door for work.

“Not yet” you say out loud this time softly to yourself as you saunter down the hallway to the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay! I really hope everyone enjoys this little bit into what this story will entail. Please let me know what you liked or disliked since I am still learning as I go with writing!

#my fics #joaquin phoenix joker #2019 joker #joker angst #joker arthur fleck #joker movie #joker x reader #joker fandom #joker #joker fanfiction #joker film #arthur fleck #a pawn and a king

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brandimolitor · 5 years ago

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Recent times have called to us as leaders to speak up and share our voices. Our leadership is being summoned more so than ever before.

If you haven’t found your voice, the calling can feel overwhelming and heavy.

“Who am I and what do I stand for?” “How do I feel about all of this?” “How do I say it without sounding fake?”

Over the last several years, I’ve been recovering my lost voice, and recently had a reminder in the importance of doing so.

A couple weeks ago, I was told I have arthritis in my hip and scar tissue in my hip area, and asked “Do you remember any tears to your groin muscles that may not of healed properly?” I did. I was reminded of when I was 14 years old, the fall after my mom died, on the soccer field. I ripped my groin muscles over-extending my leg on a kick, and my initial reaction was to collapse in pain. Instead, I stayed upright, and limped while running. I later sprained my ankle on that same, weakened leg, playing basketball, and ignored that too.

Season after season I played in pain, accepting how my body felt as the new normal.

I went on to ski a bunch and hike a bunch and run a bunch and do all kinds of excessive, and at times, abusive things to my body. I’d re-tear the groin muscles and limp in pain and say “ouch” but overall I would ignore it...pain was more familiar to me than anything else. I adjusted myself to the pain...that’s what I was conditioned to do.

I recognized, this time, after the nagging and chronic pain and trying alternative remedies, it was best to go get checked out and see how I can heal myself. I listened to my body, the VOICE of my body, and made the choice to take care of myself. I spoke up and ASKED FOR HELP, starting with, “hey, this hurts,” without knowing the solution. For me, that took a big call to courage.

When I sat in the doctor’s office almost 28 years since the original injuries, recounting the memories of excruciating pain in my mind, he asked “so you didn’t get treatment or do anything for it?” “No,” I said, “it was like, the 90’s, you know, no pain, no gain.” “Yeah, but it was a substantial injury.” “Yeah, well, kids just, didn’t complain as much then.” We both laughed.

The truth was I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I was already conditioned in my family to not speak up, having lost “my voice” long before my mother died the winter before. Pain was for the weak, I was taught. Be tough. Don’t complain. Don’t whine. Don’t cry. With feeling voiceless and feeling like I already had this scarlet letter on my back, I didn’t want to draw more attention to myself.

So here I sat, with the strains and sprains decades later, now having arthritis in my hip.

Me not speaking up manifested itself in to something much greater.

Turns out, pain doesn’t go away when we ignore it. It grows, and changes form.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been asked many times “where does it hurt? How does this feel?” I’ve sat, and paused, and felt, and shared. And I was heard.

And the cool part? There’s hope for healing the injury, and within a week’s time I feel 99% better than I have in years. I invested some time and money, let go of my fear and shame, and shared the burden with those who want to help.

We, especially women, are conditioned to silence our pain, our confusion, our call for understanding, because we’re often told to shut up, we’re ignored, we’re told not to be a bother, and we quickly learn our voice doesn’t matter.

Later, we learn, that’s a lie.

There’s no greater time to unleash the voice inside of you and most importantly, ask for help in doing it.

As the over-achievers and strivers for perfection that we believe ourselves to be, we think we have to have the answer before we even ask for help. We believe we have to know the solution, and then maybe ask someone who’s slightly better at the solution we decided would fix our problem.

The same voice that created the problem, thinks it can solve the problem.

That’s the ego trying to protect itself.

Where else have you been holding back pain that will manifest itself in to something so much greater down the road? Where else have you become SO USED to the pain that it’s become “normal” and “acceptable?” Where else has your lack of speaking up been slowly deteriorating you inside?

Where are you desperately trying to fix a problem all alone, so afraid to ask for help thinking the perfectionist in you will figure it out yourself?

What are you not sharing?

Your silence robs you of purpose and meaning and your greatest contribution to the world, and slowly deteriorates you from the inside out.

Release the tension, and step in courageously.

It’s OK to ask for help. I learned my pain is telling me something - it is not my enemy, and it doesn’t mean I am a failure. When I cried in anger over my body failing me and how I failed at being “perfect” (as I ran through the many years of intense workouts and supplements and healthy foods and alternative medicines and therapies — overlooking the years of silencing and ignoring and pushing through), my doctor said “no, no, don’t be mad at your body. Your body isn’t failing you at all. It’s trying to tell you something. It’s telling you what you are doing isn’t working, and it’s time to change. Your body is working with you, not against you. The pain got louder because you weren’t listening.”

Where it hurts is information; we apply the meaning. For the first time in my life, I didn’t look at pain as something wrong, something I needed to push through, something proving I was weak, a failure, aging, or evidence that life was falling apart, but rather information that I was being called to make a change. And this time, change didn’t seem so scary, because I had support, and asked for it.

In this case, finding my voice in the form of my body, listening, and acting upon it, allowed others to use their voice, and their gifts too. Even when pain doesn’t manifest in to the physical, but more so the emotional, it builds and cries for release, in the form of anger, frustration, depression, and anxiety, to name a few.

“There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Close both eyes to see with the other eye.

Open your hands if you want to be held.”

-Rumi

So I ask you, “where does it hurt?”

#brandimolitor #womenwho #education #chronic pain #pain management #findingyourvoice #speakup #ask for help #self help #womenwholead #healedleadership #healedleader #healedwoman

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