#(I cannot articulate it but I think it is just Becoming.)

[fullmetal-scar-simping]

This image perfectly articulates why most "Ishvalan Elrics" AUs are trash.

You know someone's grasp on racist systems are total dogshit when they make "what if we changed nothing else in this story about racial oppression but instead race swapped the racial majority/white characters to the oppressed ethnicity instead" stories. Classic "what if Indigenous people from [insert European-colonized lands here] colonized Europe instead? 🤪" type of crap. Or "What if the anti-Nazi resistance attacked a Jewish Nazi collaborator? Wouldn't that be fucked up on the part of the resistance?"

So Ed's Ishvalan now. Ok. Still grew up in Resembool? Alright, how would he have been treated by the Amestrian villagers? Given the blowback the village suffered due to Amestris' occupation and its destruction of Ishval, do they share a similar (racist) point of view to canon White Ed? Does Ishvalan Ed still blame Ishvalans for that too? If so, why? If not, why? Does he still think that the minor harm Resembool suffered (which is still Amestris' fault) compare whatsoever to full scale occupation, genocide, and ethnic cleansing? If not, why? If so, why? Why would he tamper with alchemic taboos given potential changes to how he was raised (for example, an Ishvalan Trisha may not have encouraged her boys to practice alchemy whatsoever)? And given that he has automail in the above image, meaning he does try to remake his mom, why then would Ishvalan Ed even consider becoming a State Alchemist to restore himself and Al? Would he even be allowed to join the military after the State disbarred, imprisoned, and executed serving Ishvalans? How hyper fucked would """good guy""" Mustang have to be to see a newly amputated Ishvalan child and think "Yeah, I want them to suffer within the military that wants him dead." How would Ishvalan Ed react to other Ishvalans, especially after learning the depths of the horrors that had been committed against them?

It's already clear that the majority of Ishvalan Elric AUs, particularly those that change nothing but their race, cannot grapple with any of these questions. But Scar here reveals the heavier racism within the fandom.

Scar is shown here attacking Ed no differently than he would the white child soldier of canon. Why wouldn't his tact change in response to encountering an Ishvalan teen being exploited by the State? Why would you race-swap this scene to instead depict Ishvalan retribution against an Ishvalan, with the implicit sympathy framed towards the Ishvalan fascist child soldier?

Why does this fandom so ardently believe that Scar's actions were so unprincipled?

The ugly truth that we see throughout the fandom is that people not only revile the violence of resistance when enacted by the oppressed, but they specifically buy into the propaganda that resistance fighters/revolutionaries, notably those who are also racialized and combatting that axis of oppression, are actually mindlessly violent monsters who simply conduct wanton violence in every direction, their own people be damned. And mangahood's canon already villainizes Scar this way, so the fans simply extend it to these stupid fucking Ishvalan Elrics/Riza/Mustang/every other Amestrian under the sun AUs.

To this fandom, Scar is just violent for violence's sake, an out of control 'terrorist' who would murder a random Ishvalan infant without a second thought if he found a state alchemist's watch clutched in their hands. And what's more, he doesn't get the extremely dubious 'benefit' of the "shoot and cry" excuse that the light skinned fascists get in canon.

Those soldiers don't need redemption arcs because despite how many Ishvalan children they slaughtered, they already felt sad about it. But Scar in an Ishvalan Elrics AU ala the drowned post? He wouldn't shed a tear if he inexplicably attacked an Ishvalan kid. Because "both sides".

[bubble-you]

Peter Capaldi I love you 🥰

[lakesbian]

nobody move. i've just successfully articulated the sentiment that taylor's power turns her into a panopticon because she was living in one & explained her trigger in a way i feel satisfied with for the first time in my life

the concept of the panopticon is not just about surveillance, but about creating an environment where people cannot be sure whether or not they are being surveilled, and thus must constantly act under the assumption that they are. which is exactly what happened to taylor--we see from when we first meet her in the school that she's anticipating attack from every possible direction to avoid it, and the one time she lets her guard down a fraction and assumes she's found a safe spot to hide from abuse, she's targeted with the juice spills. and this is after her trigger event, but it's clear she behaves this way because it was beaten into her over the entire course of the bullying. it's what she describes when she recounts the trigger:

“I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But I made a friend, one of the girls who had sometimes joined in on the taunting came to me and apologized.  ...  Her approaching me and befriending me was one of the big reasons I could think the harassment was ending.  I never really let my guard down around her, but she was pretty cool about it. “And for most of November and the two weeks of classes before Christmas break, nothing.  They were leaving me alone.  I was able to relax.” I sighed, “That ended the day I came back from the winter break. I knew, instinctually, that they were playing me, that they were waiting before they pulled their next stunt, so it had more impact. I didn’t think they’d be so patient about it. I went to my locker, and well, they’d obviously raided the bins from the girls bathrooms or something, because they’d piled used pads and tampons into my locker. Almost filled it.”

the precise moment when she stopped consciously anticipating and preparing to react to abuse--when she relaxed, when she stopped acting as if the lack of danger didn't mean that she couldn't still be hurt at any time--is when she was brutally reminded that she's never safe. she's still in the panopticon. she isn't literally being watched every second, she isn't literally in lifelong danger of having her vulnerabilities exploited, but it feels like she is. she can never ever be sure she's safe.

so she triggers, and she gets a power that turns her into a panopticon, and lets her watch everyone right back. it lets her regain control by turning her into a source of danger that could attack anywhere, from any direction, any time, fully unexpected.

& the reason her power enables her to watch Everyone--not just a single person, or a few people--but Everyone, is that the other major aspect of her trigger is the trauma of facts like this:

“It was pretty obvious that they had done it before the school closed for Christmas, by the smell alone. I bent over to throw up, right there in a crowded hallway, everyone watching. Before I could recover or stop losing my breakfast, someone grabbed me by the hair, hard enough it hurt, and shoved me into the locker.”

"All I could think was that someone had been willing to get their hands that dirty to fuck with me, but of all the students that had seen me get shoved in the locker, nobody was getting a janitor or teacher to let me out."

for months, for years, she was in a community where everyone regularly witnessed her humiliation and abuse, and everyone, dozens and dozens of kids and teachers, either contributed to it or was knowingly, silently complacent. this is what sticks with her: the idea that she is so universally reviled, so deserving of revile, that any crowd of witnesses would, without hesitation, consign her to the filth of the locker.

what else is she supposed to conclude, but that everyone she interacts with is a threat? that she can't drop her guard ever again, because no one will be coming to help her if she does? of course she has to become the panopticon. of course she has to watch everyone, all of the time, if she wants to stop it from happening again. of course she has to live among the teeming lowly and crawling things she has been taught via one firm shove that she is worth less than, and of course she has to use them to watch everyone back. and it would be inaccurate to say that doing this--monitoring everything with her bugs--makes her feel safe. all it does is allow her to remain in a constant state of paranoia and traumatized hyper-vigilance more efficiently.

[valtsv]

hold on. i think i've just successfully articulated why VAL's power doesn't work when she tries to use it on herself. it's not that she doesn't necessarily believe her own delusions, that's irrelevant (since we've already had it demonstrated to us that it doesn't matter what you believe, if the last word says otherwise). it's that she's made herself and been made into something that cannot be changed. VAL's sainthood is a trauma response (which isn't to excuse all the mass murder and torture and other petty war crimes; trauma responses are not inherently admissible on the basis that they're rooted in trauma, and while traumatised people are not inherently dangerous, some trauma responses are objectively harmful). it's rooted in her desire to become something that "cannot be bound", to become something that can make it so that if her mother the world says that she cannot be loved, and that nothing she ever does will make her good enough to deserve kindness, then she can simply rewrite the reality that governs it so that it has no choice but to cede to her demands. however, in doing so, she severs herself from being able to be transformed by those changes herself - because then how would she know that they had changed? she remains fixed in place, and must endure whatever consequences her actions have for her. her body suffers under the strain of holding its form while the rest of the world twists and warps around her. she has made herself a vessel for that desire to be unable to ever be hurt or made helpless again, and in doing so defined herself by it, and made herself utterly helpless to and tormented by her own inertia. she can never move on from the pain that drove her to that point, and so she must carry it in a body not built to bear its weight.

[matryosika]

Three Times Again

Pairing — Hyunjin & Reader Wordcount — 6,171 words Includes — Fem!reader, mentions of alcohol consumption, smut (warnings under the cut). Author's Note — Finished college, graduated with a psychology degree and a 98.8/100 general score, I now have a serious, serious job and I haven't written anything in eight or nine months so this is the best I can do at this point. This might be a bit rusty but honestly I'm happy I was able to write something for the first time in so long. Don't think I forgot about you folks, I never will! Hope you didn't forget about me either.

Smut Warnings — Virgin AND inexperienced reader paired with somewhat experienced male character, best friends trope. Use of petnames, praise and worship if you squint, very very delicate smut if i'm being honest. Fingering, oral sex (f. receiving), nipple play, lots of making out and kisses, protected sex, mentions and use of condom, piv.

It was bound to happen.

Hyunjin knew it. You knew it. All of your friends knew it. 

Rather sooner than later, it was just bound to happen. 

The four walls on his bedroom and the remnants of the incense smoke are lively witnesses of the tension unraveling —a tension that lasted enough for the two of you, and that is now slowly causing havoc with each of your heartbeats.

It all started with a simple, pointless "truth or dare" kind of game, you and your friend's very own rendition: truth or shot. You asked each other's questions, and you could choose between replying or chugging down a shot of liquid courage. No room for those "lick the floor" or "text your ex" shenanigans. 

Of course the catch was that after 3 or 4 rounds, your headspace wasn't as sober as initially. And after a series of shots, one would eventually start spitting out just truths that cannot be spoken after the sun rises.

“Don’t think about it,” Hyunjin begs in between kisses, dragging his swollen lips  along your shoulders and neck. His hands are roaming underneath your clothes, getting familiar with your body while feeling your warmth. “Please, don’t think about it”. 

You can't. And you try not to. 

At least not when the sensations of his wet lips teasing your skin becomes too much to handle in a span of minutes, or when the ghost trailing of his fingertips against your flesh is making you turn desperate for him.

But it is difficult.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” you whisper, the logical, still functioning part of your brain tries to protest. Despite how aroused you are, and despite how receptive your body is to that of Hyunjin's. “We’re- you’re my best friend Hyunjin”. 

“And you’re mine,” he hums against your skin, only lifting his gaze when you bury your fingers a bit too harshly onto his dark hair locks, “is that so wrong?”

His words get underneath your skin in ways that they shouldn't, and you start kissing your rationality goodbye as Hyunjin nibbles softly at the flesh where your shoulders and neck connect.

“You’re- we are going to regret this,” you exhale, ironically locking your arms around his neck. Your words are only saying much, but your body is risking it all to let him know that you want this just as much as he does. “What if- you wake up tomorrow and think this was a mistake?”

The dark-haired lets out a quiet groan, filled with both amusement and despair. “How can this be a mistake?” he asks, moving one of his hands from your hips to your thighs, sneaking it between your shorts and your underwear, “how can it be a mistake when I've waited years to have you like this, all for me?”. 

You arch your back against the palm of his hand. 

“Hyunjin,” you exhale his name once again, but you're not quite sure what for. It could be a plea, or the beginning of a sentence you can't begin to articulate in a situation like this. It could also be the familiarity of the word falling from your lips in between moans —you would be such a filthy liar if you were to deny having touched yourself while thinking about your friend before. 

Either way, Hyunjin never really thought of his name that much until now, that he's hearing you moaning it. 

“Yeah?” he asks with a weak hum, getting lost in the way you smell, “talk to me”. 

“F-fuck,” you murmur weakly, the stinging feeling of tears pricking on the corners of your eyes.  You’re about to cry, but you don't know why. Blame it on the alcohol, the sudden release of that secret you've kept years locked inside of you, or the overwhelming sensation Hyunjin’s skin is, “promise me something-”. 

Your friend is all too busy engraving every single inch of your skin into his brain. Every freckle, mole and stretch mark, he needs to memorize your flesh like it's a map. He wants to remember how it looks underneath the dim light of his room, proof that this all happened and it's not just another wet dream of his.

“Anything,” he says, with such a raspy voice it's vibrations travel from the skin spilling out from your bra up until your throbbing center, “ask me anything”. 

You gather all your courage within you to lift your upper body from the mattress, resting your weight on your forearms and causing Hyunjin to take a slight step back from you.

“Promise me this isn't going to change a thing in our friendship,” you murmur, your chest moving up and down almost frantically. Hyunjin's dark eyes are all over yours, with a subtle furrow in his brows that just tells you he's still trying to get a hold on everything that's happening. “Promise me, Hyunjin”. 

You're honestly asking for a lot. How can he promise such a thing, when he is already missing the warmth of your skin? How can he pretend nothing is going to change, when tomorrow he will wake up with the ghostly feeling of your pussy around his dick?

Hyunjin will say yes. Hyunjin will say that he promises you something he knows he is not going to fulfill. And honestly, he can play pretend. You're not going to be able to tell, and he is not going to say it. 

But Hyunjin knows everything is going to change the minute he gets to feel your lips on his again. He knows nothing will ever be the same once he bottoms out inside you, hearing you moaning and gasping while he fucks you however you ask him to.

“I promise,” he swallows the lie thickly, staring at you between furrowed eyebrows. “I fucking promise just- please let me have you, please”. 

You're staring at each other with hitched breath, rapid heartbeats and an insane amount of uncertainty neither of you can sort out. 

“Please let me taste you,” Hyunjin plants a chaste kiss right above your hip bone.

And then another. 

And another.

And another.

“Please,” he begs again, humming your name. “Let me make you feel real good”. 

You close your eyes in defeat, getting immersed in the way his hot lips feel against your tummy. He is kissing, and licking, and nibbling at your flesh, it's practically impossible not to give in when all that's left is your word consenting to it.

“Please,” Hyunjin insists, the tip of his fingers grazing against the hems of your skirt and underwear. “Say you want this just as much as I do”. 

You whine, kicking your head back.

“Say it,” he repeats, whispering your name. “I need to hear it from you. I need to know that you want me like I want you”. 

“I want this,” you finally confess. “I want this- fuck, I want you, Hyunjin”. 

The words leave your lips with a shakily breath, and you think it might be the release of it all.

His lips crash into yours once again, and you realize how much you missed his taste despite having kissed him just minutes ago. Hyunjin's saliva tastes like plum soju, mint and your strawberry gloss, and your heart skips a beat at the realization that this is real, that this is happening —your taste and essence lingers in Hyunjin's mouth, and there's no turning back now. 

The closer your bodies are, the more your fragrances mix. You can't tell his smell apart from yours, and he can't tell either —your hands smell like his lotion, and his shirt smells like your perfume.

Your mind spirals into all the sensations he is providing you with, that is until his hands sneak underneath your blouse and you get to feel his hot flesh against the sides of your body.

Then, your mind goes blank.

Your blood boils, you feel the heat rising to your chest, cheeks and ears. You feel exposed, in a way, but you're sure things aren't going to end there.

Hyunjin has seen nothing of you just yet.

"Can I take this off?" His hands are still attached to your waist underneath your clothes, and as far as you're concerned he could be talking about your shirt or your bra. You want those two off anyways, so you nod and agree to whatever he is thinking.

Things unfold in slow motion to your eyes, but everything is happening pretty fast, actually. In the blink of an eye your blouse is scattered around his bedroom floor, and it doesn't take too long before his t-shirt is joining yours there, too. 

Between all the kisses and pettings, you feel the loss of his warmth when he takes a step back. Then, you feel really exposed.

Apart from your heavy breaths and fast heartbeats, the room is completely quiet. So quiet it scares you, so you break the silence with a muffled "what?".

Hyunjin's straight eyebrows furrow just slightly, and he parts his lips to say something yet nothing comes out of them. Nothing but a deep, trembling exhale; it sounds like the equivalent to being able to finally breath after being underwater for so long.

“What, Hyunjin?” You repeat with a stern voice, fearing he might've started to regret the whole thing. He is unreadable —as far as you're concerned, he could be having second thoughts about this stupid idea. You wouldn't blame it for it.

But when he drops to his knees in front of you, and his hands find the waistband of your skirt, you get the sense that he might not be regretting any of this at all.

“So pretty,” he mutters, with rounded eyebrows like crescent moons and big, open eyes as he stares up at you, “you’re so, so pretty”. 

The compliment takes your breath away, and the skin on your nape and back short-circuits as if an explosion of electricity it’s taking place underneath your flesh.

"You really think so?" You're not quite sure what prompts you to ask such a question, but you figure you should let yourself get loose. The last thing you want for tonight is to hold back, because that isn't the idea.

You're doing this with Hyunjin for a reason, and said reason is because you trust him.

Without holding back, without overthinking, without hesitating. There will be plenty of time to reflect on whatever happens tonight, but right now isn't the time.

At least not when Hyunjin is kneeling in front of you, holding so much adoration in his eyes you swear you finally feel those butterflies people keep talking about.

“I know so,” he reiterates, “just look at you”. 

Your eyes fall to where his hands meet with your skirt, and this time he asks for consent with just his gaze. You nod and swallow thickly, watching as his fingers expertly dance along the hems of your skirt.

You want to shy away, to cover yourself and evaporate into thin air —at the same time, Hyunjin wants to look at you. You want him to be the first one to see you naked, to touch parts of your body nobody has before. You want to see his expression, to wonder what he will do when the realization of having you in his bed finally sinks in.

Because up until now, everything feels like a fever dream to him.

You stand in front of the edge of his bed, and watch as he undresses you. His hands trace the path of the skirt, from your thighs to your calves, and only looks up when it reaches your ankles, signaling for you to step out of it.

The color and fabric of your panties match those of the bra, and for a split second Hyunjin feels played. 

Did you plan it? Have you been thinking about this as much as he has?

It could be a coincidence, but it isn't —at some point throughout the night, you and Hyunjin were bound to happen. And you both knew it.

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath, standing up from the floor right in front of you. His eyes are all over your face, his hands are shy and you get the feeling that he might kiss you, but all he does is press his lips against yours and murmurs, “you make me feel so- fuck, I don’t even know”. 

You appreciate Hyunjin's sincerity, because honestly you don't know either. All you know is the adrenaline running through your veins, and the palpitations you feel underneath your left rib cage and between your thighs.

All you know is that you want Hyunjin to fuck you. Whether it's painful, or not. Whether you get to feel some pleasure, or not. All you want is for him to be your first, to be the one you experience sex for the first time like everyone around you already has.

It's actually more complicated than that, than just experiencing, but you don't dwell on it for long.

“Don’t think about it too much,” you suggest, just as fazed as he is. “Don’t think about anything just- do whatever you want”.

Hyunjin is unsure of what he is doing, judged by the hesitation behind his movements. He holds you by the small of your back and presses you tightly against his body, so close the tip of your noses are grazing against each other.

“Stop me if I hurt you,” he whispers with shortness of breath, “alright?”

You nod and swallow thickly, “okay”. 

Inevitably, Hyunjin feels a pressure over his shoulders. He knows it is your first time. 

You deserve something memorable, something that it's all about you. 

Sure, his dick is hard and throbbing, and he swears he is one second away from exploding inside his pants, but he is willing to leave his pleasure aside for yours.

He'd have other opportunities to get his dick wet and other chances to experiment. Right now it should be all about you, about making you feel good.

And under that thought, he kisses you again. 

Soft and slowly, dragging the tip of his fingers along the middle of your back. His tongue brushes against yours and you completely forget about the concept of oxygen.

It doesn't matter now that Hyunjin's breath is everything you need to respire.

His fingers keep lingering in the hooks of your bra, and it surprises you how he is able to get it off of you on his own.

"No man ever gets it right the first time," your best friend had told you amidst laughter. But Hyunjin just did in his first try. He is just naturally good at everything he does; excelling at random tasks, always getting things perfectly from the very start.

You hardly think about how naked you're in comparison to him, because he presses his chest to yours and your breasts become squeezed by his golden skin. You feel your nipples hardening against him, and you’re fully aware he can feel them too.

Fuck, he can feel them. And his cock gets even harder by that alone. 

“Let me see you,” Hyunjin whispers under his breath, but you wrap your arms around his neck, preventing him from taking a step back from you. You shake your head, feeling abruptly overwhelmed by his embrace, as well as the cold air hitting your skin.

“No one has ever seen me naked,” you say.

He knows.

“I want to see you, if you let me,” he swallows thickly, brushing his nose against yours. “Please, let me see you”.

Hyunjin feels your arms releasing some strength, falling limp over his shoulders, and he takes that as an opportunity to walk back just enough to see you.

All of you.

Everything he shouldn't fantasize about, but he does. 

“God,” he exhales with a strangled breath, doing everything he possibly can to remain collected.

But it's irrational, and impossible. How can he remain calm when you're standing naked in front of him? Your skin is covered in goosebumps, your nipples are hard and the dark, wet patch on your cotton underwear just tells him that your body needs something only he can give you. How can he be calm throughout any of this?

He can’t, and he is finally coming to terms with it.

“It’s not fair,” you murmur, slyly crossing your arms over your chest, “I’m practically naked, and you still have your pants on”. 

Hyunjin listens, but decides to ignore you. Instead, his hands find your crossed arms and he motions for you to drop them, pressing his lips against yours to kiss you one more time.

He swears he might never get tired of kissing you, ever.

“Lay down,” he presses desperate, short kisses against your lips, and you follow his guidance until your back meets the softness of the comforter.

His hands hold the sides of your body, only to drag the last piece of clothing off from your body. And it happens all too fast, that you don't even have time to shy away. Hyunjin lays down between your spread legs, with his hands and arms hooked underneath your thighs, half-lidded eyes looking right at yours.

“Remember,” Hyunjin warns, and the feeling of his warm breath against your core feels too weird and unfamiliar, you mean to close your legs around him but he doesn't allow you to, “tell me if I hurt you”. 

Your heart would have exploded inside your chest at the sight, but it doesn't until Hyunjin's tongue meets your pussy for the first time. Then, you feel your heartbeats ringing loudly in your ears.

“Shit,” you curse under your breath, holding up your weight with your forearms.

“You’re dripping wet,” he murmurs, nose brushing against your clit while his tongue collects all your arousal, “you must have been wanting this for so long”.

You writhe under his hold, feeling weakened by his words. Your chest feels heavy, and there's a tension on your lower back that prompts you to grind your hips against his face, practically begging for him to do something.

And he does —the tip of his digits slide against your folds, exploring you. He focuses his tongue on your clit, and by that alone you swear you're seeing stars. You thought the stimulation would pretty much feel like your fingers or toys, but it's nothing close to that. It feels foreign, out of your control, and you like that.

“How do you touch yourself?” Hyunjin asks with a deep voice you swear you can't recognize. 

Instead of replying, you guide one of your hands to his, that is already wet and sticky, and take two of his fingers, “put them inside”. 

He follows your orders, sinking his index and middle finger with such an ease it surprises both of you. Normally, it would take you a while to get wet on your own —right now, it seems that your body is reacting to Hyunjin much faster than you expected.

“So fucking warm,” the mutter is more to himself than to you, but you still catch it. And for some reason, the sound of his voice makes you clench harder around his fingers, “and so tight”. 

“Don’t say that,” you kick your head back, closing your eyes shut.

“I know you like it,” he says, a small smile creeping through the corners of his lips, “I can feel it”. 

There it is, again. Your walls flutter around his fingers, squeezing them softly at every word he says.

“You like it when I tell you how wet you are?” Hyunjin’s voice is gradually lower now, and his choice of words has the desired effect on you, “don’t lie, I can feel you getting tighter”. 

This may be better than any lie detector the world has come to know. Discovered by none other than Hyunjin, right before any other guy all over you could.

“Shit,” you curse under your breath, your fingers instinctively latching to his black hair. You don't mean to pull it, but you find yourself using it as leverage, and Hyunjin finds himself groaning at it, “seems like I've discovered something about you too”.

He smiles and presses his lips and nose further against you, pretending to know every single inch of your core with his tongue. It's the first time he has you like this, and he isn't quite sure if he is doing alright —a couple of soft whimpers and quiet, strangled moans are falling from your lips, but that isn’t enough for Hyunjin.

"What else do you do?" He asks, and the question comes out more as a whimper than a casual, nonchalant voice. He is clearly affected by all of this, and you can tell by his hips rut against his bed as he touches you. “When you touch yourself, what else do you do?” 

One of your hands leaves his dark hair, and guide to your breasts. It always goes a little bit like that —your dominant hand maneuvers the toy against your clit, and your other hand focuses on your breasts and nipples, pinching and twisting them as you like.

Fuck, well, that's going to be a sight imprinted in Hyunjin's mind forever. The way your back arches as soon as your fingers tease your nipples, the way your chest elevates with a deep inhale. The way your hips buck against Hyunjin's touch, and how your toes curl just slightly at the stimulation.

He soon focuses again on his task, pumping two of his fingers inside you while his tongue takes care of your clit that has become more swollen than initially. 

He is doing anything he can to get to know you, to see how his touch is affecting you. And when his middle finger touches a spot inside your walls that he hadn't before, and you let out a guttural moan of his name, Hyunjin stops short.

“Did I-” 

He must think he hurt you. But it's all quite the opposite. 

“Right there,” you shake your head frantically, acquiring strength from, practically, nowhere to push your body up in your forearms again, “shit, again, do it again”.

And he complies. His middle finger curls, and the reaction he gets is the same, if not more pronounced, from you.

“You’re fucking dripping,” repeatedly, he manages to find a pace of his own. His fingers move slowly and deliciously inside of you, almost always touching that spot that has you moaning louder than before. That, added with the suck of his mouth around your clit, sends you to cloud 9.

You've never felt this before, on your own, and it scares you.

It feels more intense, and slightly painful. Your lower back hurts, you're sweating and you fear you might pee. 

It definitely feels as if you're going to pee.

“Hyunjin!” You gasp, your hands pushing him away, “I feel- ‘m gonna make a mess”. 

His heart is beating loud in his ears, and he feels the pressure of your thighs squeezing his face. The quick thought that he might be hurting you flies across Hyunjin's mind, but is quickly discarded when your hips move in sensual circles against him.

You must be close.

“Wait!” You gasp, and Hyunjin withdraws from between your legs, but his fingers continue fucking your pussy with an increased pace, “G-god, fuck, I’m-”.

You’re babbling, not making any sense. And Hyunjin feels his dick leaking precum, sticking to his underwear. Never in all his years of life had he been this hard, and it's hurting him to no end. At the same time, it feels deliciously torturing. 

He just fears he might come untouched.

“Close?” Hyunjin asks, and you just nod frantically. 

As if an expert, his palm hits your clit every time he bottoms his fingers out inside of you. A part of him tells him he should position himself back between your legs and make you come with his mouth and fingers; the other, however, urges him to crawl up, between kneeling and lying next to you, as his available hand guides your chin to him.

The sight is even better like this, Hyunjin thinks —your teary eyes and the hair sticking to your forehead and cheeks with sweat is something he might never be able to forget.

The way you're staring at him like you're scared, and confused, and oh so aroused. He is the reason behind your body shaking and your hands gripping the bed sheets underneath you; the reason behind your cries and whimpers, and the wetness between your legs.

All because of him.

"I think I'm coming," you manage to spit out in a strangled breath, and soon after lose complete control over your body.

Your back arches against his bed, your legs close around his wrist, and your body threatens to push him away. But Hyunjin doesn't let you —he embraces you, holding you in place as you ride your high. 

“There you go,” he murmurs, with a soft smile creeping through the corners of his lips.

Your trembling hand wraps around his bicep, and you can barely open your eyes without tearing up. Whatever just happened, you haven't experienced it before.

“Hyunjin,” you whimper yet again, feeling how your walls clench over and over around his fingers. It tired you, both mentally and physically —your toes feel funny from clenching them much, your legs are sore from being spread open for a while now, and your hips feel tired from all the tension that suddenly snapped minutes ago, “holy fuck, Hyunjin”. 

“I’m right here,” he tells you while leaving a quick kiss on your lips.

And then another.

And another.

And another, until it turns into a proper kiss, one that isn’t nearly as sloppy or fast as the ones he offered you before. This time, Hyunjin kisses you slowly, carefully, almost as if he is trying to soothe all that tension with his lips.

You place your hands on either side of his face, and he does the same —with ease, he manages to position himself on top of you, with so much care not to put all his weight on top. Hyunjin only breaks the kiss to look at you, and the way your lips form a subtle "o" when you feel his erection pressed against your lower abdomen is enough for him to run out of breath.

“We don’t have to- I mean, we don’t have to do it tonight,” Hyunjin murmurs, his lips barely touching yours. “We can stop right here, I’m okay with-” 

“Let’s do it,” you notice how he swallowed thickly and how his bright eyes resembling a deer caught in the headlights stare at you with just the same amount of fear and lust. 

To be your first; to mess around together, to experience what sex is all about.

You want this, and he wants this just as much. There's trust, and there is a promise —nothing can go wrong because that's exactly why you're doing it with each other.

Because there's no one else in this world you trust more than Hyunjin.

“Okay,” he exhales, backing away from your body to fully undress himself. And although it's not prohibited to look, you feel insanely awkward when your eyes meet his figure.

Hyunjin doesn't show much skin, not even during the summer days when you visited the beach or his parent's lake house. Seeing him shirtless was already much of a shock, but seeing him fully naked? That is a whole other story.

You feel your cheeks blushing and you need to look away before Hyunjin catches you staring, but it is already too late. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, forcing yourself to keep contact with his eyes rather somewhere else.

Hyunjin licks his lips, and he does so in such a swift movement that it barely registers in your mind. But it does, and you can't stop thinking how attractive he is, and how awfully aroused he is making you feel. It's like your body has a mind of its own, one that's completely enticed by him.

“C’me here,” he kneels in the bed again, hovering your body. His erection pressed against your lower abdomen once again, and you let out an unexpected, almost embarrassing moan just by that alone.

He is hard, and his dick feels warm. You can't help but sneak a hand between your bodies and wrap it around him, making him curse under his breath.

It's the first time you see (in real life, anyway) and touch a dick; you're not sure what you were expecting, but the feeling of it isn't bad. However, it isn’t as nice as the sight of Hyunjin's eyes closed shut, and his bottom lip caught between his lips.

“If you touch me again, I'm going to come,” he warns you.

“And isn’t that what you want?” You ask, stroking him softly. You’re barely discovering how to touch him, but there’s something pleasant about the way you’re exploring him.

“Not before fucking you,” Hyunjin tells you, “I have to make you feel good again”.

He straightens his body slightly and puts a condom on. It is tight around the base, and too slippery for his own liking, but he can't complain about it when you're patiently waiting for him. 

Your eyes never abandon his figure, and just the sight of him unwrapping a fucking condom and putting it on is more than enough to make you clench around thin air. And you're too lost in that thought, of how strikingly beautiful Hyunjin looks tonight, that you don't feel any sort of panic until the tip of his dick slides against your slit.

This is really happening, you think to yourself, and suddenly all the oxygen from the room has vanished, leaving you with a heavy chest and an awful sensation that you're choking.

“You okay?” He asks when he catches a glimpse of your furrowed eyebrows.

“Just nervous,” your eyes dart between his face and the parts of your bodies where you almost meet. You've heard awful stories about first times, involving a lot of pain and discomfort; why would yours be any different than those?

You feel your heart beating in anticipation, and your throat gets dry.

“I'm not going to hurt you,” Hyunjin says, leaning down to kiss you, “I��ll be careful”. 

You nod, because you know he is telling the truth. So you brace yourself by holding his biceps, watching as he guides his dick inside of you.

“Inhale,” he tells you, and you follow. Your lungs get filled with fresh air until they hurt, until you no longer can harbor any more oxygen.

And only then, the tip of it slides right in easily, with just the tiniest bit of discomfort —your fingers and toys are not close to the size he is.

“Fuck”. 

“Let it all out,” and you exhale deeply, relaxing underneath him as he finally bottoms out. He stays there, without moving, feeling how your walls adapt to his girth. Hyunjin kisses your cheek, and snuggles his face in the crook of your neck to leave a couple of them there, too, “good job”. 

You whimper, wrapping your arms around his neck just as your legs wrap around his hips.

His weight on top of you feels nice, just as it does having him inside of you. But you're desperate to know how he really feels, so you prompt him to move.

“I’ll go slow,” and he sticks to his word. His thrusts are slow, but deep —every time he bottoms out, you moan.

You're just getting used to him, so the way he is fucking you is more than enough for now. And it is enough for him, too —if he goes any faster, he is sure he will come.

But he maintains a certain pace, and your bodies get to meet each other in a way they hadn't before. 

“Does it feel good?” You ask him in a murmur, and he hums in response.

“So good,” his eyes never leave yours. “You feel so good, your pussy feels so good”.

You bite your lips, wanting to hold back whatever reaction his words elicit from you. 

There's something lewd about his voice, and the way he says things tonight. There's something lewd in the way you like it, too.

“You feel good too,” you compliment him, caressing the sides of his face. “Want to come again, with you”. 

Hyunjin nods, as if you’re giving him an order for him to follow. But you might as well have, because he takes it upon himself to give you what you want. One of his hands sneak between your sweaty bodies, and albeit difficult, he manages to position the tip of his fingers over your clit, rubbing it at the same pace as his thrusts.

“Oh my God,” you whisper, closing your eyes shut when you feel a pinch of pain from the overstimulation. 

It's crazy how many things Hyunjin has learned about you in the past hour.

“Does it feel good when I touch you like this?” He manages to ask, and you nod frantically.

His hand then withdraws from your clit, and when you're about to protest, you notice his mouth is leaning closer to your chest, “what-”. 

He then latches his tongue around one of your hardened nipples, and you become a mess of whimpers underneath him.

“And this?” Hyunjin asks with his lips attached to the flesh of your breast, “does it feel good when I do this?”

You might as well have figured something about you.

“It feels so good, Hyunjin,” you chant, with teary eyes that threaten to start bawling in ecstasy, “so good, fuck, so good”.

He continues, sucking on your nipple while his fingers tease the other. And you really seem to like it because you can't stop moaning, because all your hands do is to force him even more against your chest. 

“Squeezing me so good,” Hyunjin mutters under his breath, losing control of himself as he feels you clenching around him. He's drooling over your breasts, swollen and pink lips dragging across your flesh while his hips start spasming, “God, you’re so fucking tight”.

You sneak a hand between your bodies, and when your digits brush against your clit, you feel your body jolting, and the tension threatening to unravel. 

You're so close, again.

And you hope he is close too.

“I’m-” You don't manage to finish the sentence when Hyunjin's fingers replace yours, “Hyunjin!”

You mean to keep your eyes open, to look at him in between, but you finally give up to the overwhelming pleasure. You close them shut, and all you're left with is the feeling of Hyunjin's body against yours, and the sounds you and him are eliciting from each other. 

“Close?” And you nod frantically, tightening your limbs around him —your arms around his neck, your legs around his lower back. 

You’ve hugged Hyunjin before, but nothing will ever compare to this; to your naked bodies pressing together, to his lips murmuring sweet nothings against yours. 

To share something as intimate as an orgasm can be.

“Coming,” you whisper weakly, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. And at the same time, Hyunjin lets out a painful, choked groan.

His throat hurt at it, but not nearly as much as the tension finally unraveling did. 

Not as much as the sight of your hazy eyes looking up at him as you both come down from your highs.

Not as much as the realization that it was all over.

“Hyunjin,” you whimper again, and your loud heartbeats, and the way you're still clenching around him is preventing him from listening to your voice. He sees your lips moving, but he is too far gone in the bliss of his orgasm to care.

“God,” you close your eyes shut and hide your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. 

You don’t want him to let go of you, to pull out. You want to stay like this for as long as you’re able to.

And Hyunjin wants it too, plopping all of his weight carefully on top of you. He presses a kiss to your temple, and then your forehead. Nothing in his life has ever felt this good before, and he fears he might not be able to live a moment like this again.

"Did I hurt you?" He just has to ask again, now that you're settled between his arms.

You shake your head subtly, and look up at him with so much gloss and sentiment he feels a pinch of hope you feel the same way he feels about you. 

"Not once," you exhale, offering the most beautiful smile Hyunjin has seen on you.

And when you press a quick peck to his lips and snuggle right next to him, with your head on his chest and your hand over his abdomen, 

he just knows it will happen again. 

And again.

And again.

And again.

Bonus note: If you liked this, PLEASE let me know. I'm kind of nervous putting this out there because I've been away for so long, I'm not even sure if this is any good. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. It is nice to connect with past hobbies to be honest.

Love you all! And take care!

[hotwaterandmilk]

I've been scanning the Yami no Purple Eye art book and it got me thinking about why I still feel so strongly about Shinohara Chie's horror-tinged works in particular. They don't have the sweeping settings, period detail or political intrigue of her historical titles, but they're still the works of hers I revisit most often.

I love the way Shinohara captures the physical and psychological horror of being a teenage girl. How truly overwhelming it can be to come into a new physical state and be hit by heightened strengths and fears. All while grappling with how to reconcile this new, hungry state with the "good girl" you were before the change. It's the way she combines this age-old puberty parable with an escalated 80s bent on 40s Hollywood female monstrosity that never fails to linger in my mind.

Let me unpack my rambling thoughts on this a bit and yeah they are pretty rambly I'm sorry I've got that neurological thing going on and it makes being articulate harder than it has ever been before. Forgive me!

Spoilers, bloody images and rambling re: Yami no Purple Eye, Ao no Fuuin, Umi no Yami Tsuki no Kage and Mizu ni Sumu Hana below.

The heroines of Shinohara's longer horror works are all seemingly average girls who are awakened to something horrific within them as teenagers (be it Rinko as panther, Ruka to psychic abilities, or Souko as an oni). Suddenly they're overcome not just by abilities but feelings, appetites, desires. They go from being good, average girls to young women battling forces within them stronger than anything known to science. There's always a boy there to support them through this, but they feel otherwise isolated or dangerous, unable to seek support from anyone else.

Yami no Purple Eye is frequently compared to the 1942 film Cat People and understandably so - in both you have a beautiful young woman descendended from "cat people" whose beastial side can take over when base urges overcome their normally sweet demeanor (though this film is absolutely not the first example of a 'cat person' in speculative fiction). The major difference, I would posit (aside from the more explicitly sexual nature of Cat People's change), is that Irena is an adult and while she also struggles with her identity and powers this battle is not new to her, she is hopeful for a way out but also somewhat resigned to the way things are.

Rinko from Yami no Purple Eye is new to being a panther, she is fearful of her secret getting out but also fearful of herself, of her purple eyes and her "unnatural" urges. While so much of Cat People is a relatively subtle look at female sexuality as a monstrosity in itself, Yami no Purple Eye shows a transformation that at puberty can be harnessed as a form of protection but also remains linked to the animal kingdom and not "enlightened" modern human society.

While Rinko's incredible strength saves her from all sorts of precarious situations, it feels new and out of her control. It isolates her from normal humans and it paints a target on her her back for Kaoruko, the primary antagonist of the series. I think what makes these pubescent power awakenings so alarming for all Shinohara's horror heroines is this lack of control. They didn't willingly trigger their transformation, they don't understand it properly, and they cannot control it. Ultimately each of them goes through a period of feeling incredible isolation from human society, which is common in a lot of speculative texts where the lead finds themselves estranged from society at large.

In Umi no Yami, Tsuki no Kage Ruka has the double-whammy of losing her normal life and her twin sister, Rumi, who has become deranged while coming into her own psychic powers. Although Ruka has the support of love-interest Katsuyuki, it is this love rivalry which put a wedge between her and her sister in the first place. At times, Ruka feels lost with all the destruction triggered by the sisters' transformation, held by Katsuyuki but with a 1000 yard stare in her eyes. Both Ruka and Rumi know deep down that only they can defeat one another, but how do you defeat your identical twin? How do you fight what is essentially your shadow self and your base instincts run riot?

It requires an understanding of the transformation, an acceptance of the change that has taken place, and a peace with what must come next - all of which takes Ruka the better part of 18 volumes to achieve. Mizu ni Sumu Hana takes a shorter route on a similar theme with the two Rikkas and the seeds, giving us another set of two near identical yet drastically different girls fighting for survival.

And being a teenage girl in these stories is very much focused on trying to survive. Another consistency across all these series that underscores the isolation of the heroines is the loss of those around them. Family members and friends are murdered or manipulated indiscriminately. Even if Shinohara's heroines try to seek support from someone other than their love interest, it is very quickly put to a stop by an opposing force. For a young woman in these worlds, struggling to understand her new body and changed mind, there is no option for support outside a male romantic interest.

That in itself is horrifying (though admittedly not as well-examined within text as I'd like, it certainly does feel like a comment) but it becomes a hell of a lot worse if your love interest's goals are at odds with your own. We see this with Souko in Ao no Fuuin who is revealed to be an oni that must survive by consuming humans. Her (false) memories are human and she has only recently learned of her oni nature so understandably she doesn't want to be a predator, yet she must eat people to survive. Akira, her love interest, rather than being a dutiful normal boy like Shin'ya in Yami no Purple Eye, is from an opposing family tasked with destroying her.

Eventually Akira's affection for Souko outweighs his duty to eliminate her and the two work together to try and figure out a way for her to become human and thus no longer require defeating. But initially in Ao no Fuuin, Souko is entirely alone with her growing hunger and power, unable to confide in anyone and unsupported by a romantic interest which proves just as isolating as it sounds. Like Rinko, Souko has gaps in her memory, a sensation that she's done something unnatural but a desperate need to be wrong about it, to be proven human despite all evidence to the contrary. As both heroines have entered their teenage years they have lost all they knew of stability, family and normalcy to have it be replaced by the uncanny, unnatural and unacceptable.

To have the body and mind become unreliable in your teenage years, to feel overwhelmed by forces you didn't know were within you, to feel like you're the only one experiencing such horrors... I mean it's all a big puberty metaphor isn't it? And yeah, to a degree these stories are simply turning the horror dial up to eleven on a cross-cultural feeling of coming into the power and bodily changes of adulthood before your mind can catch up with them (though in the case of Shinohara's stories every lead is shown to be attracted to the opposite sex and not explored as being anything other than cis, so there's definitely a lot left unexplored regarding pubscent queerness in her worlds).

All of Shinohara's long-form horror heroines seem to go through a period of grasping back for the safety and "normalness" of their childhood selves, of who they were before their body and mind betrayed them. Souko repeats to herself countless times that she is human not necessarily because she knows it to be true, but because she wants it to be true. She longs for who she believes she once was and we see similar grief for Rinko and Ruka, now awakened to their new lives as teenage monsters, as they reflect back on the comforting dullness of the recent past with a newfound appreciation and longing.

Ultimately, however, Souko was never a normal teenage girl. Rinko's power was dormant but she was always of panther blood. Rikka was always going to be used as a pawn between black and white dragons. Only Ruka, whose power was awakened after surviving a near-fatal bacterial infection, ever had an entirely normal human childhood and even then she must accept that what she and her sister had in their innocence can never be rediscovered. For some of these heroines there was never a "normal" to go back to and even for those that did have a glimpse at average life, it is ultimately gone from their grasp regardless. Time marches ever onward and for these young women there is no ability to wind back the clock, they must continue forward like all of us, even if their awakening to adulthood is more violent and bloody than most.

While everything I've touched on so far seems absolutely godawful, I think it's important to tie this all together with a bow of hope. Shinohara Chie's long-form horror and suspense stories put all their leads through the wringer, but they are never without hope. There is some degree of happiness out there for all her heroines, victims of circumstance and blood. However, it is not the happiness they had anticipated for themselves as adults and I think that is key to the whole exercise. Shinohara's heroines can at times be passive, clinging desperately to the idea that they can reverse what cannot be reversed. But in the end they must accept and embrace their new bodily powers. Just as we all must accept adulthood even when it doesn't adhere to our childhood hopes and dreams.

Rinko goes through absolute hell to try to get her happy ending and ultimately she doesn't get it, but her daughter Mai does manage to carve out a sense of happiness just by being with the man she loves. Souko can shed her obligation to the Kimon and be with Akira because her previous incarnation's daughter willingly takes on the role of heir for her. Ruka can live on but to do so must kill a willing Rumi and accept that what happened to them will ultimately be forgotten by the greater consciousness. Both Rikkas are revived and can choose their ultimate lifespan as the lost lotus flowers blossom once more.

None of these are your traditional happy ending, but what links them together is a sense of sacrifice. Part of the journey into adulthood, into surviving the horror of having a body as a teenage girl, is accepting the flawed state of adulthood. It comes at considerable sacrifice and it isn't necessarily what you dreamed it would be, but it is yours and you got where you are as an adult through the blood, sweat and tears of your younger self. There's a beauty to that and to Shinohara's flawed heroines and their often patchy narratives. Having a body can be horrific, it can be overwhelming, and it is inherently isolating... but it is essential to experiencing the beauty we do have in this world.

And idk I just think that's neat.

Shinohara isn't an artist to everyone's tastes and I do think there are strengths to her historical tales that perhaps aren't as present in her more horrific works, but her super powered horror stories manage to capture a type of pubescent alarm that a lot of other authors cannot master. While all these works do feel dated to a degree and present a limited scope of gender and sexuality, there's something I find timeless about revisiting the horror and joy of being a girl both cursed and blessed with the burden of a body.

-

Edit 14/10/24: I would like to point out that my use of the term "horror" here relates to consistent thematic elements presented in these series rather than their specific genre labels, roots in other sub-genres or relation to other foundational texts outside of Shinohara's oeuvre.

Shinohara's speculative work is frequently labeled battle/suspense manga (with some shorter works earning a 'suspense horror' description at their most intense) and I am in no way disagreeing with these labels or trying to relabel the above titles as strictly horror. Nor does this post seek to break down the full context of these titles as they fit into the development of 80s/90s/00s shoujo.

This post exclusively reflects my personal thoughts on the bodily perils faced by Shinohara's super-powered heroines in the aforementioned texts through a horror lens (which in turn reflects my area of focus back when I studied film).

Everyone will have their own intrepretations of these texts and these characters and that's what makes hearing people's opinions so interesting - always open to hearing yours if you stumble onto this. ^^

[ukiyowi]

Channelled Messages 💌

Channelling messages from your: Future Spouse, Closest Friends, Spirit Guides, and Future Self

Note: Please DM me if you want a reading I am going to be putting a discount on all my readings because I am in a rough spot financially and need to pay money for my room which I was not aware of earlier and could be kicked out if I don't at the earliest. Book a reading || Tip me! (Ko-fi)

♡ Future Spouse

♡ Closest Friends

♡ Spirit Guides

♡ Future Self

Future Spouse

💌 Pile 1

My Love,

I imagine us walking hand in hand through the seasons of life, supporting each other through every victory and challenge. Together, we will create a collage of memories, painting the canvas of our shared life with love, laughter, and endless adventures.

I promise to be your biggest cheerleader, your confidant in times of doubt, and your unwavering support through thick and thin. I vow to cherish and respect you for the unique individual that you are, appreciating both your strengths and your vulnerabilities.

You are scarred right now but theres no reason to be. You are so filled with love and light and everything good, just because someone else cannot see it does not mean it doesnt exist. If I could bring you the moon and the stars I would in an instant. I don't think there has ever been or will ever be someone who is as bright as you.

Please take care of your health, you cannot make excuses for bad habits and keep living life like that, no matter how stressful work or life is please make time for yourself. We still have a while to meet so take care of yourself for both you and I.

Song: It's a Shame - The Spinners

💌 Pile 2

Hey Darling,

Our connection, I believe, will be deeper than words can express. It will be built on trust, respect, and a genuine desire to see each other flourish. While I can't predict the future, I am steadfast in my commitment to cherishing every moment we have together.

We have met before, I don't think you remember me, but I do. your beauty had me stunned and so did your mannerisms. I admire the way you carry yourself, with so much dignity and poise, as if the personification of grace itself were standing in front of me, sweeping me off of my feet.

I will shower you with anything you want, praise, adoration, gifts, love, time, energy, and be there whenever you need. Life is probably fun for you right now, unfortunately for me the road is a little rocky. Enjoy this time with your friends and family, your loved ones truly care about you and want what's best for you even if they can't articulate it well.

Stay strong butterflly and look for me in your dreams, I promise to be a frequent visitor. hope you likfe sunflowers, lillies, and magnolias angel.

Song: Mango bananas - Flyana Boss

💌 Pile 3

Hi sweetheart!!

I have a feeling that when we finally meet, there's going to be a bell that rings making us instantly know like it did in Your Name, also hope you like animation because I love it, I also really like drawing and art, do you? Please say yes!

Life seems to be going too fast for you right now so you need to make sure that you don't lose yourself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Calm down and do things you enjoy, maybe you'll like pottery!

But beyond the laughter and silliness, I want you to know that I'm dead serious about creating a remarkable life together. We'll support each other's dreams, even if they involve opening a cat cafe or becoming professional trampoline testers (hey, it's a thing, right?). We'll navigate the ups and downs of life hand in hand, and I promise to be your rock when you need it most.

Song: Glue Song - beabadoobee

xoxo

Closest Friends

💌 Pile 1

Life has been quite the rollercoaster lately, filled with its usual ups and downs. I've had my fair share of challenges, but there have also been some incredible moments that I wish I could have shared with you in person.

I often find myself reminiscing about the good old days when we used to spend hours talking and laughing about anything and everything . Those memories are some of my most cherished, and I truly miss you.

Please know that no matter where life takes us or how much time passes, you will always hold a special place in my heart. Your friendship has been a source of strength, laughter, and endless support, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

Let's make a promise to catch up soon, whether it's over a cup of coffee or a long, heartfelt phone call. I genuinely look forward to hearing how you've been and sharing all the stories we've missed out on.

With love,

Initials may include: R, P, W, Q, L

Song: Window - Still Woozy

💌 Pile 2

Leaving behind the place we've called home for so long is both exciting and bittersweet. While new opportunities wait and adventures call, it's hard not to feel a tinge of sadness at the thought of being farther away from you.

Although physical distance may separate us, please know that you will always hold a special place in my life. Our bond is not defined by geography but by the strong connection we share.

And the internet exists so we'll be fine right? You promise to not lose touch with me even when we're both busy? I promise I will remember to call you, if not daily then weekly, please don't forget me.

I wish you could join me and we could embark on this together but life has its ways of separating the best people we've met so that we are forced to widen our horizons and social circles lol, hope it's not too much for either you or me.

Will miss you,

Initials pulled: A, J, M, S, K

Song: Missin something - Zach Templar

💌 Pile 3

I love the days we've shared and I wish to share so many more with you in the future, god I am so so so excited for everything thats to come!

Do you remember that time we decided to go on that impromptu road trip? No plans, no GPS, just a car full of snacks, good music, and an unshakable belief that we'd find our way eventually. We got lost more times than I can count, but it was so much fun and truly unforgettable.

And how about those late-night conversations that somehow turned into early-morning confessions? We've solved the world's problems over a cup of lukewarm coffee more times than I can recall. The neighbors must have wondered if we were running a 24-hour café.

As I sit here reminiscing about these and countless other memories, I can't help but smile. Our friendship has been a rollercoaster of laughter, silliness, and genuine connection. And I wouldn't trade a single moment of it for anything in the world.

Sending you a virtual high-five and a whole lot of fond memories, here's to hundreds more, and don't forget about the promise we made about the weddings okay?

Your platonic soulmate,

Initials may include: G, H, B, L, T

Song: Right Here, For Now - Bakar

xoxo

Spirit Guides

💌 Pile 1

Embrace change with an open heart and a curious mind. Life is a series of shifts and transitions, and it's in these moments of change that growth and self-discovery thrive. Trust in your ability to adapt and evolve, for you possess the resilience needed to navigate uncharted waters.

As you progress in your career, always remember that your passion and purpose are the compass that should guide you. Pursue work that aligns with your values and fulfills your soul. Don't be afraid to explore different paths and take calculated risks. Each experience contributes to your growth and wisdom.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and each lesson learned is a stepping stone to your personal and professional development. Stay committed to your goals, and never underestimate the power of continued learning.

There may be moments of doubt or uncertainty along the way, but listen to your heart's desires and the quiet whispers of your soul, for they will guide you toward your true purpose.

Above all, be patient and compassionate with yourself. Success is not defined by a straight path but by the lessons learned along the way. Embrace each setback as an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser.

Song: Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

💌 Pile 2

In matters of the heart, we see the longing in your soul for a deep and meaningful connection. First and foremost, we urge you to be patient with yourself. Love is a delicate dance, and it often takes time to find the right partner who truly understands and appreciates you.

As you seek love, remember the importance of self-love. Nurture your own well-being, both physically and emotionally. Don't be insecure about your quirks and imperfections, for they are the qualities that make you beautifully you. When you love yourself wholeheartedly, you become a magnet for the love you desire.

When it comes to romantic relationships, let go of preconceived notions and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised. Love can appear in unexpected places and forms. Stay open to meeting new people and exploring connections that may not fit your usual "type." Sometimes, the greatest love stories are the ones that defy expectations.

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Be brave in expressing your feelings, needs, and desires. Equally important, listen to your partner with an open heart. True intimacy is born from understanding and genuine connection.

Whoever, you're thinking of, is not the one, set the standards high and do not settle for something that does not align with what you can give as well.

Song: Scared - Jeremy Zucker

💌 Pile 3

Know that you are never alone. We are always by your side, watching over you, and guiding you in subtle ways. We see your potential and your inner light, and we are here to help you recognize and nurture these gifts.

Trust in your intuition, for it is the voice of your soul and the channel through which we communicate with you. In times of uncertainty, turn inward and listen to the whispers of your heart, for they will lead you toward your true path.

Embrace the lessons that life presents, for they are opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Challenges are not obstacles but stepping stones on your journey to becoming the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with positive influences and kindred spirits who uplift and support your journey. Let go of relationships that drain your energy and hinder your growth. Create a circle of love and support that nurtures your soul.

Find joy in the simple pleasures of life. Take time to savor a cup of tea, watch a sunrise, or feel the grass beneath your feet. These moments of presence are where true happiness resides.

Song: July - Noah Cyrus

xoxo

Future Self

💌 Pile 1

Darling, I cannot even start to tell you how good life is right now for me, and eventually for you. I know you are currently going through a rough patch, and as cliche as this sounds, I want you to know that every storm you're weathering now is bringing you closer to the sunshine that awaits you.

In my time, I've seen how the challenges you're facing today have shaped you into the resilient, compassionate, and wise person I've become. The setbacks you're experiencing are not roadblocks; they are stepping stones leading you to the life you've always dreamed of.

You may feel lost, uncertain, and at times overwhelmed, but trust me, these moments are your greatest teachers. They are guiding you towards a deeper understanding of yourself, your purpose, and the incredible strength that lies within you.

One day, you will look back on this period of your life and realize that it was a transformative journey, a cocoon in which you underwent a profound metamorphosis. You'll emerge from it stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your inner self.

The relationships you're nurturing now, the lessons you're learning, and the self-care you're embracing will all become pillars of the beautiful life that awaits you. You'll find yourself surrounded by a supportive and loving community that cherishes you for exactly who you are.

Song: See you Again - Tyler, The Creator

💌 Pile 2

I am sorry, but things are not going the way you would have hoped they would. However, rejection is just redirection, okay? Although things are looking rough for me right now, which, for you, is in the future, I want you to know that this tough phase will lead you to a place of strength and growth.

Life can be incredibly challenging at times, and I wish I could spare you from some of the hardships I'm currently facing. But remember, every setback, every disappointment, is an opportunity for growth and learning. It's through these tough moments that we discover our resilience and develop the wisdom to make better choices in the future.

I want you to hold onto hope, even when it feels like all hope is lost. Believe in yourself and your ability to overcome adversity. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who will help you weather the storm.

Stay patient and kind to yourself. It's easy to be critical during challenging times, but self-compassion is crucial. Treat yourself with the same love and understanding that you offer to others.

I am working on something thats a dream of ours right now, and I am seeing signs that it may end up succeeding soon or at least kick off, and I still love designing and art as much as you do right now, although I barely have time for myself right now.

Song: Not in that way - Sam Smith

💌 Pile 3

Okay, so maybeee we should reel it in a little with how much you are overworking yourself because it is having a bad effect on me, aka future you. Yep, I'm here to tell you that all those late nights, skipped meals, and stress-induced hair-pulling moments are not doing us any favors down the line.

I get it, you're hustling, chasing dreams, and making things happen in the here and now, and that's commendable. But trust me, I've been there, done that, and I can assure you that I'd appreciate a little less burnout and a lot more balance in our past.

You see, life isn't just about reaching goals; it's about enjoying the journey too. So, let's make a pact to take breaks, breathe deeply, and relish the simple pleasures. Remember, it's not all about the destination; the detours and pit stops are just as important.

And don't worry, I'm not trying to cramp your style here; I just want us to have the best possible adventures together, full of energy, laughter, and great stories. So, let's find that sweet spot where hard work meets self-care, and where the future "us" can look back and be happy about the past "you" for making wise choices.

Also please stop pulling all nighters its not doing any wonders for our skin, and even an extensive 10 step skincare routine does not do as much as a good nights sleep can.

Song: While we're yound - Jhene Aiko

xoxo

[mythalism]

I was wondering (because I love your Solas and solavellan analyses) what do you think of s*lrook? It doesn’t work for me, not because I like solavellan, but because I just don’t like Rook and some other reasons that I’m having trouble articulating. Something along the lines of “Solas mirrors” and, as Rook, we can only ever really approach him as though he is a villain with little nuance and can never ask (the man that started out as spirit of wisdom) any questions. I think maybe it would have been more interesting to me if BioWare gave Rook more meaningful regrets and let us have more rpg elements. Anyway, feel free to disagree with me or not answer this if you think it may gain negative attention. I just like the way your brain works and was curious about your thoughts because you might have an interesting perspective!

i honestly dont think of s*lrook like ever. truly it does not occupy any space in my mind. i think its probably similar to what you are feeling, which is that rook is so nothing its like putting solas with a cardboard cut out. and maybe that is why the issue of solas mirroring rook comes in; there is nothing for him to reflect. rook is also so meaningless to solas that he has no incentive to meaningfully engage with them. with the inquisitor, solas was literally tied to them by the anchor and had no choice but to spend time with them to get his orb back. but that is a process that develops over an entire year. he gets sucked into the inquisition and cannot help himself but become part of it. even solas who hates the inquisitor is deeply involved in everything they do, every decision they make he becomes complacent in as part of their inner circle. even with an inquisitor he hates, he cannot help but develop attachments to the other members of the inquisition. he is actively carrying out the inquisition's purpose. if they do something he doesnt like, such as recruit the templars or keep the wardens or kill the sentinels, it makes sense for him to speak up, to challenge the inquisitior, to make his distaste known because he is directly involved. he is also directly responsible for corypheus gaining such power. all of this personal entanglement in the events of inquisition give him and even a low-approval inquisitor a dynamic that is interesting and complex. their erasure into a figurehead for the purpose of a cause is familiar to him at the very least. the way he reflects the inquisitor is entrenched in the plot and who they both are as characters. he reflects the inquisitor because the inquisitor is walking the same path he was forced to.

in veilguard, i think that him being trapped for so long was a mistake writing-wise. despite solas being literally integral to EVERYTHING HAPPENING, he feels completely separate. he only has a few things to say about each major plot point, we can barely ask him more than a few questions about anything throughout the entire game, we dont get to confront him on his memories, we dont get to see him react with anyone. he literally exists in a vacuum. there is nothing for him to reflect, nothing for him to engage with. he is literally in an empty room, talking to an empty character. what is there to work with in that? where is there a relationship to be had? they kept telling us that rook reminded solas of himself which is honestly hilarious in retrospect because what??? where??? how??????? because they did something rebellious one time??? but solas and rook never actually talk about that. they never actually talk about anything about rook's life. solas doesn't even pass judgement on their decisions. their conversations all have the same set end point. his goal from the beginning is always to shape them into taking his place in the prison (however the fuck that works) and all of their interactions are defined by that, and happen in the shadow of rook ruining his ritual and releasing the evanuris. compared to solas and the inquisitor, who at their core, is a manifestation of his mistakes as a victim of his underestimation of corypheus and the bearer of his anchor which will eventually destroy their body. there is an immediate thread of guilt and connection through those circumstances. for solas and rook, the opposite should actually be true; rook should feel guilt for getting solas trapped through their carelessness, but they clearly dont lol. its just so nothing. rook is so nothing. solas reflecting rook thus is also nothing. there is a reason the game picks up so much when we see him outside of the prison, talking to the companions, having a moment with emmrich, being eviscerated by harding, killing ogres in one hit, tearing into an archdemon... its pretty mutually agreed upon as the best part of the game? why would you make a character that, as a spirit, reflects his environment, and then put him in an empty room in the game named after him? and then why would you set him up with an empty protagonist who was clearly designed only to further the plot and not have a real story or arc of their own? flop.

[aniihera]

Ok. I’ve been compiling my thoughts on the pathologic 2 endings for a while now, and I’ve finally pinpointed my feelings on them (enough to share at least). I’m desperate to hear what others think about them too.

Lengthy Kin-themed rant oncoming? Perhaps.

More under the cut.

CW: Spoilers for Pathologic 2 (of course).

- - -

To preface: As I am Māori, not Buryat or of the other cultures I have heard the Kin to be based on, my perspective is more from *my* understanding of what it means to be Indigenous than anything else. There are probably many things I’m missing. But I’d like to throw in my two cents, however relevant they are.

Suffice to say, my feelings are complicated. Stylistically and narratively, there was a lot that I enjoyed. From a reconnecting/ mixed Indigenous perspective, however, I still feel unwillingly bisected, torn.

At the culmination of everything, Artemy Burakh and the player are roped into a cruel, two-pronged choice. Destroy the Polyhedron along with the miracles of the Steppe, or let the plague devour the town as you lead the Kin back to its heart. In these scenarios, you either assimilate the Kin into the town, which many of them will despise you for, or push out the nonindigenous townsfolk by force, letting nature run its course. Any third option has already been amputated, beyond your will. You cannot protect the Kin completely either way, some will likely die from the plague in the latter, and the more fantastical will in the first, by being cleaved from the earth’s dying magic.

Diurnal, or Nocturnal. No matter how you look at it, the kin cannot thrive in either. For it to be a choice at all, hurt, to say the least. After playing the bachelor’s route in the first game, I’m sure that was deliberate in an anti-utopian sense, perfection is impossible etc, etc. But the first lens I saw it through, stuck with me.

When I initially read Isidor say this after Artemy’s trial in the abattoir:

“Facing the Future is the way of Love. Facing the Past is the way of Love. But the two are incompatible, and it broke my heart.”

I was devastated. The hopeless dichotomisation of future and past… and I could only construe it as assimilation or death in some manner (but I could not see what role it took yet). That feeling festered for a while, but I wanted to see it from another angle. I think it's natural to be sensitive to the words “progress” (which is usually linked to “civilisation” and colonisation) when anchored against Indigenous culture, but I didn’t want that to blind me completely.

On its own, I do like this line. It’s weighty. And I think it articulates aspects of Indigenous struggle well, to some degree. Going back to the “past” is somewhat impossible for many reasons. Decolonisation is needed but I don’t believe it means restoring the “past” fully by any means. Culture is not stagnant, and neither is the future. To say they are incompatible though pains me. Especially when contextualised inside the divide between the kin and the town. It is an intentionally agonising line, and successfully so. Pitting the themes of Past/Future, against, Kin/Town, is something I find hard to reconcile with. Even just the first part irks me; personally the past walks with me at every step, the future is void and useless without it in full view. But I wouldn’t say a line from Isidor (or Artemy’s subconscious) necessarily defines the game more than it does his perspective. For me, it is the patterns that follow and precede it.

Aspity is a very obvious portrayal of what it looks like to “face the past” completely. Visiting her sanctuary, It becomes very evident that her opinions of the non-Kinfolk sway towards genocidal. They must “flood the town”, as she put it. Considering their treatment on the Bull Project and well… everything else, It’s not unfounded. During the night visits, we develop a growing understanding of what is at stake for the kin. Their language, legends, arts, and traditions, and too many Kin are dying from pest and persecution (Its a familiar story). Herb brides are forced to sell their cultural dance to get by (another familiar story for Māori, kapa haka and tourism, our culture has also become a commodity out of necessity). Legends like the shabnak adyr too are warped by the townsfolk (as it is used as an excuse to target Kin women). Assimilation means these things for them too.

There's also the case of how the Kin are depicted as more animalistic than the “more human” townsfolk. Oyun, Big Vlad, and even Artemy have a long history referring to them as such. To make the Kin less than human is inherently othering (as is any case where the empire views us as inherently more primitive or unevolved). The importance placed on Aurochs and being one with nature in Kin culture paints this in a less hostile light (Big Vlad’s view not so much). But I fear the effect this might have on player perceptions of the Kin will be negative regardless. I’ve seen a few statements about the Kin being a “hivemind”, I can't say I entirely agree. Many are divided on how they view Artemy, as well as what they desire for the future. I’ve also seen this in reference to when a few odonghe gift you organs for your tinctures, but at this point everyone in the town is desperate for a cure no matter the cost. Their more violent practices appear to weaken many fans' empathy for the Kin, painting the Nocturnal ending darker and darker. Getting rid of herb bride “marriages” would be a good thing at least right? Assimilation might be a good thing then? Nothing good comes without cost, and for the Kin this cost is too steep. Survival doesn't have to mean losing yourself piece by piece.

I will say that despite liking the non-Kin townsfolk, I do wish there was a larger Kin presence among the main roles. While we have Nara, Aspity, Oyun, and Taya, I understand how their presence does little to assuage the dread of seeing the rest of the cast wade out into the Steppe. For me, seeing Murky and Sticky in such a lost state during the Nocturnal ending, made me unable to see it as anything but a mistake.

Two other alternating themes are present through the endings. Childhood (miracles and dreams) and adulthood (waking up and walking forward). The dominant presence of children in Nocturnal, and the fact that walking through the near empty town really does feel like a nightmare, showcases this. The impossible has been made possible, the earth sleeps, sated. The endless cycle of responsibility, from father to son, from parent to child... Children rule the future here. In Diurnal, this cycle, at least, has some room to be broken. Responsibilities are weighed more evenly. Letting go of miracles and childhood dreams, that is the only future in this end. I’m not sure If i have to discuss how problematic it might be to place indigenous revival in the realm of childishness, and assimilation in the realm of growing up, but i thought i'd leave the notion there regardless.

Leaving how you view the two ends aside, it's obvious that Nocturnal has a heavier, gloomier tone.

Maybe having a third ending would’ve been reductive, to have one person so easily find a solution to unifying the town. But, it hurts so deeply to have that choice wrenched from your hands. The choice might have been severed by Isidor, but it felt like so much was possible for Artemy. With one foot in both worlds, the potential of true reconnection, i thought we could move past what was possible for his father. It felt like that was the direction Artemy was moving in, seeing the choices before him and bullheadedly trampling through the middle. Just like he did with the cure, finding the impossible connection.

As it stands, the endings are brutal. Survival for the kin is held by a thread, regardless of the direction you look. They either die a physical death, or a cultural and spiritual one (the two could very well be interpreted as present in both depending on how you look at it). By your conversations with Aspity, even if they survive, the Diurnal end is hinted to lead to an essential “dissolution” of the Kin as they know it. Wherein the differences between the Town and Kin will become so negligible that the two are no longer distinct. Which from my perspective is its own, however voiceless tragedy.

Ok, that was a lot of negativity but I’d like to be candid. Even despite all that, Pathologic is still one of my favourite games of all time. I saw someone say on here that Pathologic 2 is most interesting when allowing the player to decide where love takes them (even if they are led to extremes). Love being at the forefront, regardless of the choices you make, no wrong answers, that's what I appreciated most when playing as Artemy. Whether you chose to kill the three odonghe for Rubin, begged him to stay despite everything, killed Oyun, the Oglimskys, or the pest, it was for the love of something. The internal strife of having a mixed identity too, the rejection and affection from both sides, is something I related to even if the circumstances were miles apart from my own. I wish that Nocturnal aligned with that energy, that the nuances there were a little less stark. That opposing assimilation felt like less of a mistake.

There's a lot more I could delve into but this is pretty long already. This post could all read like nonsense/surface level, but I’m curious to see what other people think! Especially other indigenous folk, I’m dying to know how others interpreted the endings regarding the Kin.

[kolyasupremanxy]

Hellooo

Love your work lots💗

A smart, well spoken and highly intelligent/strategic reader with an knowledge that may challenge Dazai and Fyodors brain, how does that sound? I think it's a nice change of scenery when the s/o gets to play the clever witted character every once in a while

With Ranpo, Dazai, Fyodor, Nikolai and Chuuya please (or just anyone you want)

Hugs and kisses 💋

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐬/𝐨

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 + 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 : 𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲, 𝐃𝐚𝐳𝐚𝐢 𝐎𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮, 𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐂𝐡𝐮𝐮𝐲𝐚, 𝐄𝐝𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚 𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐨, 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff ( ? )

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2.9k

𝐀/𝐧: Sorry for the wait—

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲

Fyodor would be initially intrigued by the intelligence and strategic mind of his s/o, finding their ability to challenge him intellectually to be refreshing and engaging.

He would enjoy engaging in deep, philosophical discussions with his s/o, relishing the opportunity to bounce ideas off of someone who can keep up with him intellectually.

Fyodor would be impressed by his s/o's ability to read and understand complex texts, and may even ask for their input on his own writing.

Despite his arrogance, Fyodor would be willing to listen to his s/o's opinions and ideas, and may even incorporate them into his own strategies and plans.

Fyodor would appreciate his s/o's ability to see through people's lies and deception, and may even ask for their help in identifying potential threats within his organization.

He would be attracted to his s/o's confident and well-spoken demeanor, finding it to be a rare trait among those he associates with.

Fyodor may become possessive of his s/o, seeing their intelligence and strategic mind as valuable assets that he cannot afford to lose.

He would enjoy testing his s/o's limits and seeing how far they can push themselves intellectually, often challenging them to solve complex problems or puzzles.

Fyodor may become jealous of his s/o's other intellectual pursuits, feeling threatened by the possibility that they may find someone who can challenge them even more than he can.

Despite his sinister personality, Fyodor would have a soft spot for his s/o, often showing a gentler side of himself when they are alone.

He would appreciate his s/o's ability to keep up with his fast-paced and complex way of thinking, finding it to be a rare and valuable trait.

Fyodor would see his s/o as an intellectual equal, and would value their input and opinions on a variety of topics, both personal and professional.

𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

Fyodor and you were sitting in his study, surrounded by books and papers strewn across the room. The two of you had been discussing various philosophical ideas and debating different theories for hours, both thoroughly engrossed in the conversation.

Fyodor leaned back in his chair, his eyes fixed on you as you spoke. He was impressed by your ability to articulate complex ideas in a clear and concise manner, and found himself admiring your intelligence and strategic mind.

"You truly are an impressive individual," Fyodor said, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

You returned the smile, feeling a sense of pride at Fyodor's words. "Thank you, Fyodor. It means a lot coming from you."

Fyodor's expression turned serious as he leaned forward, his gaze intense. "You know that I value your intelligence and your abilities, don't you?"

You nodded, feeling a sense of warmth spread through them at Fyodor's words.

"Good," Fyodor said, a note of possessiveness creeping into his voice. "Because I cannot afford to lose you. You are too valuable to me."

You felt a thrill of fear mixed with excitement at Fyodor's possessiveness, knowing that it was a side of him that few people saw.

"Of course, Fyodor," they said softly, knowing that it was best to placate him for now. "I will always be here for you."

Fyodor nodded, his expression softening once more. "Good," he said again, a hint of a smile playing at his lips. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

𝐃𝐚𝐳𝐚𝐢 𝐎𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮

Dazai would be immediately intrigued by his s/o's intelligence and strategic mind, seeing them as a worthy challenge to his own intellect.

He would enjoy teasing and bantering with his s/o, relishing the opportunity to spar with someone who can keep up with him intellectually.

Dazai would appreciate his s/o's ability to read and analyze complex texts, and may even ask for their opinion on his own writing.

Despite his tendency to take things as a joke, Dazai would respect his s/o's intelligence and strategic thinking, valuing their input and ideas.

He would enjoy playing mind games with his s/o, testing their ability to read between the lines and uncover hidden meanings.

Dazai would be attracted to his s/o's well-spoken and intelligent demeanor, finding it to be a rare and valuable trait.

He may become jealous of his s/o's other intellectual pursuits, feeling threatened by the possibility that they may find someone who can challenge them even more than he can.

Dazai would be flirty and charming with his s/o, using his wit and intelligence to win them over.

He would appreciate his s/o's ability to see through people's lies and deception, often using them as a sounding board for his own strategies and plans.

Despite his tendency to take things lightly, Dazai would have a soft spot for his s/o, often showing a caring and protective side of himself when they are alone.

He would enjoy debating and discussing various philosophical ideas with his s/o, relishing the opportunity to learn from them and challenge his own beliefs.

Dazai would see his s/o as a true intellectual equal, valuing their input and ideas on a variety of topics, both personal and professional.

𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

You sat in your favorite armchair, engrossed in a thick tome about existentialism. Dazai was lying on the couch nearby, his eyes closed and a bored expression on his face.

"What are you reading, Y/N?" he asked, not bothering to open his eyes.

"An interesting book about philosophy and existentialism," you replied, not looking up from your book.

Dazai let out a groan. "Ugh, that sounds so boring. How do you even read that stuff?"

You chuckled. "It's fascinating, Dazai. It challenges my mind and makes me think about the world in a different way."

Dazai shrugged. "To each their own, I guess. Personally, I prefer books that are a little more... entertaining."

"Entertaining?" you repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Like what?"

Dazai sat up, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Well, how about we play a game? I'll give you a word, and you have to come up with as many synonyms as you can in 30 seconds."

You couldn't help but smile at Dazai's silly suggestion. "Alright, let's do it."

Dazai gave you the word "happy," and you quickly rattled off synonyms like "joyful," "ecstatic," and "elated." Dazai was impressed by your quick thinking and challenged you with more difficult words.

The two of you continued the game, laughing and joking along the way. Even though Dazai didn't share your love for philosophy, he appreciated your intelligence and enjoyed testing it in his own silly way.

As the night wore on, you realized that sometimes, it's not about the subject matter of what you're reading, but the joy of learning and challenging your mind. And with Dazai by your side, you could do both.

𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐂𝐡𝐮𝐮𝐲𝐚

Chuuya is initially surprised when he meets his intelligent and strategic s/o, but he quickly finds himself drawn to their wit and intelligence.

Despite his initial arrogance, Chuuya is willing to listen to his s/o's ideas and opinions and often engages in deep conversations with them.

His s/o's intelligence and knowledge often impress Chuuya, and he loves to hear them talk about their favorite books and ideas.

Chuuya enjoys testing his s/o's knowledge and challenging them to think in new ways.

He is impressed by his s/o's ability to think on their feet and come up with creative solutions to problems.

Chuuya appreciates his s/o's confidence and intelligence, and often relies on them for advice and support.

His s/o's intelligence also makes him want to better himself and learn more about different subjects.

Chuuya often surprises his s/o with romantic gestures and fancy dates, enjoying the opportunity to impress them with his taste.

His s/o's intelligence and quick wit often lead to playful banter between the two of them, which they both enjoy.

Chuuya's respect for women extends to his s/o, whom he treats with chivalry and kindness.

While he can be brash and impulsive, Chuuya's s/o helps to ground him and provide a different perspective on situations.

Despite their differences, Chuuya and his s/o share a deep connection based on mutual respect and admiration for each other's intellect and personality.

𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

You and Chuuya were assigned to work on a difficult case that required a lot of strategy and quick thinking. Chuuya was confident in his abilities, but you surprised him with your intelligence and problem-solving skills.

As the two of you were brainstorming, Chuuya suggested a plan that seemed too risky to you. "I don't know, Chuuya, that plan seems too dangerous," you said, your brow furrowed with concern.

Chuuya rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you're going to start doubting my abilities now, too," he scoffed.

You shook your head. "No, it's not that. I just think there might be a better way to approach this."

Chuuya raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? And what's your genius plan, then?"

You took a deep breath and outlined your idea, explaining your reasoning and analysis. Chuuya listened intently, his expression gradually shifting from skepticism to interest.

"Hmm, that could work," he said, nodding slowly. "I didn't think of that. You're pretty smart, aren't you?"

You couldn't help but feel a little smug at the compliment. "I try," you replied with a small smile.

Chuuya looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking again. "You know, I have to admit, I underestimated you at first. But you're proving to be quite the asset on this case."

You felt a warm sense of satisfaction at his words. "Thanks, Chuuya. I appreciate that."

From that point on, you and Chuuya worked together seamlessly, using your combined intelligence and skills to successfully solve the case. Chuuya admired your intelligence and even asked for your advice on future cases.

Despite his initial doubts, Chuuya learned that intelligence comes in many different forms, and he was grateful to have you as his partner in the investigation.

𝐄𝐝𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚 𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐨

Ranpo is initially intrigued by their s/o's intelligence and finds it refreshing to have someone who can keep up with him.

He's often playful with his s/o, teasing them and challenging them to solve riddles and puzzles with him.

His s/o finds him incredibly entertaining and is often amused by his childlike antics, despite his incredible intelligence.

Ranpo can sometimes come off as arrogant, but his s/o has a way of humbling him and bringing him back down to earth.

He's always eager to learn from his s/o and is open to exploring new ideas and concepts.

Ranpo's s/o is often the one who helps him stay organized and focused, as he can get easily distracted by his own thoughts and interests.

Despite his childish behavior, Ranpo is incredibly loyal and protective of his s/o, and will go to great lengths to keep them safe.

He loves to surprise his s/o with thoughtful gifts and surprises, often going to great lengths to plan elaborate surprises and scavenger hunts.

Ranpo's s/o is often impressed by his quick wit and ability to solve complex mysteries, and enjoys watching him in action.

He can be stubborn at times, but is always willing to listen to his s/o's opinions and ideas, and values their input greatly.

Ranpo is not one to shy away from a challenge, and often encourages his s/o to take on difficult tasks and challenges.

Despite his incredible intelligence and detective skills, Ranpo is still a human being with emotions and vulnerabilities, and his s/o is always there to support and comfort him when he needs it.

𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

You and Ranpo were walking down the street when suddenly, you both saw a group of people gathered around something. Curious, you both made your way towards the crowd and found that there had been a murder. The police had just arrived and were starting their investigation.

Ranpo was already analyzing the situation, and you could see his eyes darting around as he took in all the details. You, on the other hand, were also trying to piece together what had happened, and you began to explain your theories to Ranpo.

As you spoke, you noticed that Ranpo was listening intently to everything you said, and even nodding in agreement at times. You could tell that he was impressed by your intelligence and analytical skills, and it made you feel proud.

At one point, as you were explaining your theory about the motive behind the murder, Ranpo interrupted you with an excited exclamation.

"Did you see that? She's my girlfriend, and she's very smart, but I'm smarter, of course!" he said with a grin.

You couldn't help but roll your eyes at his cockiness, but it was clear that he was proud of you and wanted to show it off to everyone around.

The police officers were also impressed by your analysis, and they began to ask you questions about your theory. You answered them confidently, and Ranpo stood by your side the entire time, nodding along and occasionally adding his own comments.

Eventually, the police were able to solve the case with your help, and they thanked you and Ranpo for your assistance. As you walked away from the scene, Ranpo wrapped his arm around your shoulder and grinned.

"Looks like we make a pretty good team, huh?" he said.

You smiled and leaned into him, happy to have someone who appreciated your intelligence and analytical skills as much as Ranpo did.

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥

Despite being a criminal, Nikolai is always willing to learn and expand his knowledge. He admires his s/o's intelligence and often asks them questions about a wide range of subjects.

Nikolai loves to challenge his s/o's mind with puzzles and riddles. He finds it entertaining to watch them solve problems and is always amazed by their abilities.

Nikolai is a big fan of birds and often talks to his s/o about them. He dreams of one day having a pet bird of his own.

Despite being a sadistic criminal, Nikolai is incredibly cute and joyful. He has a tendency to act like a child at times, especially when he is excited about something.

Nikolai loves to use his body language to communicate. He is not afraid to be silly or make a fool of himself in front of his s/o.

Nikolai is also very affectionate towards his s/o. He loves to cuddle and give them small gifts to show his love and appreciation.

Nikolai has a unique sense of humor and loves to make his s/o laugh. He finds joy in the little things in life and is always looking for ways to brighten up their day.

Despite his joyful nature, Nikolai is also very determined when it comes to his work. He takes his job seriously and will do whatever it takes to succeed, even if it means making tough decisions.

Nikolai is very intuitive and often knows what his s/o is feeling without them having to say anything. He is very empathetic and always tries to make them feel better when they are down.

Nikolai is very proud of his Ukrainian heritage and often talks about his homeland with his s/o. He enjoys teaching them about his culture and traditions.

Nikolai's scar is a constant reminder of his past, but he wears it with pride. He sees it as a symbol of his strength and resilience.

Nikolai's s/o is his biggest source of inspiration. He loves watching them succeed and is always in awe of their intelligence and strategic thinking.

𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 :

Nikolai Gogol, with his love for theatrics and quizzes, challenges his intelligent and strategic s/o to a game of wits.

The two of you are sitting in Nikolai's luxurious office, surrounded by expensive furniture and paintings. Nikolai is wearing his usual silly grin as he poses a challenge to you.

"Let's play a game, my dear," he says, his eyes gleaming mischievously. "I'll ask you a series of riddles, and if you can answer them all correctly, I'll give you a reward."

You raise an eyebrow, intrigued. "And what if I can't answer them?"

Nikolai chuckles. "Then I get to ask you a question of my own choosing."

You agree to the terms, feeling confident in your intelligence. Nikolai starts with an easy riddle, which you answer quickly. He follows it up with a more difficult one, but again, you answer it with ease.

Nikolai becomes more and more impressed with each correct answer you give. He can't help but smile at your intelligence and wit.

As the game goes on, the riddles become increasingly difficult. You can see the gears turning in your brain as you try to figure out the answers. Nikolai, on the other hand, continues to wear his silly grin, thoroughly enjoying the game.

Finally, you reach the last riddle. It's a particularly tricky one, but you manage to solve it after a few moments of intense concentration.

Nikolai claps his hands in delight. "Well done, my dear! You truly are a formidable opponent."

He reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a small box. "As promised, here is your reward." Inside the box is a beautifully crafted brooch, studded with diamonds.

You thank him graciously, feeling both satisfied and pleased with yourself. Nikolai, still beaming with pride, can't resist one last comment.

"Looks like I've finally met my match. But don't worry, my dear, I'm still the silly one in this relationship."

Do Not Copy or Plagiarize Any of My Works. Reblogs Are Very Appreciated.

[itischeese]

Expanding on the Obito-is-smart-actually-he's-just-stupid-around-Kakashi AU from here, because it haunts me and I have many thoughts about it. (Note: while most of that can be interpreted as headcanon, and is an explanation of canon events, this post goes into an actual AU version, where canon events aren't followed, because I am gay and sad and cannot take it anymore.)

Normal Obito has an Actual Plan of things he wants to do when he becomes Hokage, including making sure no one clan can be discriminated against in law, building trade relations with other shinobi nations to create actual lasting alliances not built on war (like Kakashi post-canon lol), and actually doing something about the Hyuuga hierarchy stuff, with the help of Hiashi and Hizashi, who he's already created a sort-of-alliance with.

Obito-around-Kakashi is completely unable to articulate this, and instead ends up blurting out things like "fancy hat" and "people will like me," and looking like an indecisive fool who doesn't know what he's doing. Everyone who's interacted with Obito outside of Kakashi believes he can do it, and would do a good job. Unfortunately, Obito spends A Lot of time around Kakashi, including interacting with Most People, so the number who believe he'd make a good Hokage is... distressingly small.

One would think that, given he was able to function and activate a two-tomoe sharingan when Kakashi wasn't looking, he would be able to dodge the boulder fine while Kakashi was knocked out. Unfortunately, he'd just grabbed Kakashi to throw him out of the way, and without Protecting Kakashi being a direct motivator, holding Kakashi in his arms, even just to throw him out of the way, is enough to make Obito's brain stall completely for long enough to get canon'd.

Rin survives becoming a jinchuuriki because Obito trips and crashes wildly into the clearing when he sees Kakashi, and incidentally he ends up crashing into Rin just before she can jump in front of chidori. Unfortunately, Kakashi sees Obito and gets distracted long enough for an enemy to land a blow, and Obito, intelligence fully impaired by proximity to Kakashi, thinks Kakashi is dead. Mangekyo-activation and nigh-instantaneous death of every enemy shinobi in the vicinity ensues. And then Rin heals Kakashi. Because he's Not Dead.

The combination of passed-out Kakashi and Must-Protect-Precious-People allows Obito to tell Rin that Kushina's a jinchuuriki too (he got suspicious bc of the floating hair, and Kushina humored him when he asked), and her and Minato should be able to do something about the seal of the Sanbi. Needless to say, she's rather happy to stay alive and not have to horrifically traumatize one of her precious people.

[postoctobrist]

When me and my friends were young (but not that young) our small hometown town somehow got the money to build a 1000ft long pedestrian suspension bridge. We were bored and found that if we grabbed the suspension cable at its lowest point and pushed and pulled it at the right frequency we could slowly build up oscillations in the bridge. You could feel the walkway swaying underneath us and see the movement in the main suspension cable. We would do this with several people with one person counting out the beat until the oscillations got so large that the suspenders attaching the walk way to the main cable started to slam into the hand rail and make a horrible clanging noise. Then we would all be scared, and no longer bored so we would stop.

While doing this I was aware of the differential equations describing first and second order resonance in elastic structures with and without dampening. I had studied several engineering disasters where cyclic loading close to some multiple of the resonance frequency lead to collapse of buildings and bridges. It is a small town and I was bored.

I am bad at transitions, and I would like to ask for advice/articulate something. Mostly to force myself to articulate thoughts I have never spoken about, and you do not have to read all this. Because it is very long and large parts of it are honestly pretty horrible. I have for some time been making a very conscious effort to not think about "my gender". Because I felt that there would be no use in thinking about myself through that lens. Telling myself that I can do whatever I want regardless of gender. This seemed to work for me except I find myself paralyzed. I cannot imagine myself in a romantic or sexual relationship. Romantic or sexual attention I receive feels like it is intended for somebody else. Even in situations that should be simple where attraction is mutual I feel confused and conflicted. As I write this I am wearing clothes somebody gave to me almost a decade ago, they have holes in them and I never really considered what they look like to other people. A couple times a year when I make budget or apply for a job etc I thin about the future but only ever a year or two ahead. This future blindness gets so bad I often can't even make plans for the weekend. I find myself looking at my reflection as if trying to find something wrong with my appearance but I couldn't put my finger on any specific flaw. I look like an attractive man, what else could I ask for.

I have recently allowed myself to think about this and I am not sure that it is helping. I realize now that being a man can be an exhausting constant effort for me, and that certain things that I have been doing can alleviate this pressure. When I wear my long hair down, I do not imagine that I have become a women, but the act of wearing my long hair down and shaving my entire face is not something I would do to look like the manliest man. This almost symbolic rejection of my internal drive to act as a man has a profound effect on me. Especially when I am alone I find this very calming, my mind is a little quieter, my breathing is a little deeper.

However in public this is often over shadowed by a new discomfort. My already ever present sense of danger in public is heightened. Around many men I feel physically unsafe, as if a threat of violence lies just under the surface of every interaction. Around women my discomfort around men and with myself seem to combine and I cannot shake the feeling that I will make them feel unsafe. Making women feel unsafe makes me unsafe and so on. All this is worse the more feminine I am.

My small symbolic gestures of femininity in private would seem to have no real downside. Their benefits seem to come into effect as soon as stop trying to look masculine. However in the perception of others I feel a pressure to appear either completely man or women. I now find myself trying to appear feminine and this might be worse. Outside perception of me feels completely beyond my control. Which is a good excuse for me to repress any thoughts or feelings about it. I want to accept that this is outside my control, and also that I desperately want to control it.

Some of things I believe about this view of me from the outside are not things I would ever want to put on anyone else. I have never seen a person that would look worse with some musculature, and have always found strong people aesthetically pleasing and attractive. I enjoy being strong, it practical utility, the sense of security it provides me, and as an accomplishment I am proud of. Yet at the same time I sometimes find myself revolted by my muscles. My size, my veins, my bones, nothing about them is wrong except that they are there.

I feel I need to juxtapose any feminine attributes against my masculine ones (one earring is allowed but with short hair. Long hair is allowed in a bun but with stubble). To appear as a feminine man and not a failed attempt at manliness. Is this my reaction to a societal pressure or my own misandry against weak men? I have no way of knowing. Similarly I feel that the only way to be extremely feminine or a woman would be to subject myself to sexual objectification, and infantilization ("femboys" are only feminine as long as they are somebodies fetish and because they are boys and not adults). Again I cannot say if this is my reaction to a societal trend or my own judgement on other people. Either way I cannot help but feel that this pedophilic degrading view of femininity and women is a moral sin I have committed. Yet what possible use could there be in applying a moral judgement on my own thoughts? I don't choose to feel or think these things. I don't want to wear booty shorts, or dress up like a princess. Do I think less of those who do? If don't subject myself to this degradation in exchange for femininity will it be because I have the self respect of a man? Or is it just cowardice.

I don't want to look like a trans women. I want what my grandma has. She is a matriarch. The varicose veins on her arms, her short hair, a raspy laugh, a double mastectomy, these things are just the type of women she is. She is a mother of mothers. She might not be asked to pray over the meal, but her wisdom is an open secret among those that are really looking for ruthlessly honest advice. She must enjoy wearing jewelry (or she wouldn't bother) but never seems to take it too seriously. When telling a story about how she fought a bear off her daughters or cracking a joke about how she will die any day now her womanhood is so effortless, so inconsequential, so in the background that it almost seems almost useless.

oh my fucking god lady just take the fucking estrogen

[freak-accident419]

The Unlikely Postulate of Clapton’s Love Life

Clapton Davis x GN!Reader Headcanons

Content: a little bit of fluff, mentions of virginity, mentions of underage drug use, that’s pretty much it :)

(A/n: Just like in the movie, I made a chapter title card as if you and Clapton’s relationship were inserted. I was really in love with the names such as ‘The Terrible Ultimatum of Clapton Davis’, ‘The Lonely Ballad of Billy Nolan,’ etc. so I came up with one as if these headcanons were scenes in the movie.)

-

You knew Clapton since Freshman year. You knew of him, at least, and you didn’t actually have a conversation with him until junior year. It all started when he asked you for a pen.

You weren’t too popular like him. But you were sort of the sweetheart of the school. Nobody would talk about you as much as they did Clapton, but when you were brought up, only good things were said about you.

A few small things had progressed your friendship with Clapton. First, it was the pen thing. Then you two were teamed up for a science project. This showed him how smart you were, so he began to rely on you. You were also charming and he began to become infatuated with you, so he asked you for homework help a lot of the time. You went on ‘dates’ and things, like how he skated you home, went on a movie date with you, went bowling together, until you two were official partners.

You two were both in Spanish classes. You were passing and he was failing, so you had to tutor him a whole lot. He came up to you one day with a giddy smile and said ‘Tu es mucho bonito.’ It wasn’t completely correct, but you appreciated it nonetheless.

He burned a CD for you consisting of all of your favorite songs.

Sometimes he appeared in your front yard at midnight for a late night skate. Other times he appeared, he went to your window and you two just made out.

You made out a lot. And you probably lost your virginity to him.

You two got high sometimes. One time you had a very long, weed-driven conversation about who the ‘real’ karate kid was: Ralph Macchio or Billy Zabka. He said it was obviously Macchio, but you liked to argue for Billy. In retrospect, you weren’t sure why.

You two are basically each other’s best friends. It took a while for the school to realize you were dating.

As attractive and charming as Clapton was, nobody really expected him to be in a relationship. He seemed like one of those cool chill guys who wouldn’t involve himself in one. That’s why everyone was so surprised to know that he was in a relationship, let alone with you—it was highly unlikely. Everyone in the school thought you were the power couple, though. Everyone talked and gossiped about your new relationship with him a lot.

You both didn’t like the idea of extravagant prom-posals. Plus, it was sort of a mutual understanding, you two knew you wanted to go together.

He loves holding your hand. Whether he’s walking you to your class or home, he cannot go without holding your hand.

He tried to teach you how to skateboard once because you asked him. You fell. It was terrible. But he patched you up and blamed himself for not teaching you or protecting you properly.

He loves sharing his music with you. Sharing earbuds and everything. When he found out that your go-to slow dance song was “Fields of Gold” by Sting, he instantly knew you were his soulmate.

Sometimes when you two cuddle, you talk about your future together. You hope to stay together long enough to get married. Then you think about articulate things like where to live, what kind of house, pets, etc.

He always said ‘Clapton don’t dance’ but that was a lie. He’d never hesitate to slow dance with you.

You made each other friendship bracelets. He never wants to take it off.

Riley was very supportive of your relationship. As Clapton’s best friend, she was glad that he found someone as amazing as you.

He loves whenever you play with his hair. You do it a lot.

Sometimes you’d ditch school to hang out at a 7-11 or smoke pot. It didn’t matter what you did, as long as he hung out with you. He enjoyed quality time.

One time, before you two were dating, you two ditched school because Clapton wanted to show you a trick he learned on the skateboard to impress you. Clearly he wasn’t ready because he fell, suffering a terrible injury. But there was something so dorkishly charming about that moment, that that was probably the first time you realized you liked him more than a friend.

The first time he said ‘I love you’ was by mistake. You two were both very high. He genuinely meant it, however. And so, the very next day, he properly confessed. And you expressed your reciprocation.

-

This was my first set of headcanons I’ve written, so I hope you enjoyed it! I hope I did this prompt justice :’) I was so proud of the title that I was too eager to wait until I got a solid fic idea, so I just decided to write headcanons :) thanks for reading!

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Imagine coming home from a long day of running errands to see ¡yandere! Sam Trapani beating one of your admirers to a bloody pulp on your front door step.

Warnings: Gore, violence, mentions of stalking, obsession, forced relationship

A/N: I drew this at the depths of night when I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t seen really any yandere mafia stuff soooo…… here you go!! Art + headcannon…you may now feast.

Requests: open 24/7

Bonus pt.2

(I mention that the admirer is young, I mean like Sam is 40 so the other guys is late 20’s to early thirties. Sam is just getting insecure about his age)

Sam had been stalking and slowly trying to court you for about a year and he’s getting closer to his goal of finally making you his; but this new guy that just moved in next door is just fucking it alll up.

It first started with the guy going over to your house to introduce himself and harmlessly wanting to be a friendly neighbor. Then quickly become bolder and bolder with his flirtations, much to Sam’s dismay! Could you believe that THE Sam Trapani is extremely jealous of this guy?? Probably 10 years younger and quite handsome, That boy is a serious threat.

You laugh louder at his jokes than you do at sam’s, your clothes are getting much more revealing and the way you prance your little ass over to him anytime he calls your name was seriously eating at him and he’s at his wits end of it. Sam knows he’s getting older but is his charm really that stale now?

Even when Sam is having a full conversation with with you this little shit will come around and inject himself into the whole interaction. Sam even started going grocery shopping on your schedule just to be able to have some alone time with you and yet again this man appears out of the wood works. Every. Single. Time.

(Okay that’s a little dramatic but the point still stands…Sammy cannot keep up with him. He’s finally met his match and he’s so whiny about ittt)

The other guys noticed this and found it extremely hilarious, Trapani wasn’t the hot shit of the town anymore and there was someone younger and more good looking ready to take his place and his girl. They poked fun and joked how Sam was now officially an old geezer and that a young damsel like yourself wouldn’t want anything to do with him. They fed into his insecurities and made everything just ten times worse. Of course they meant no harm, Sam usually wouldn’t be hung up on a girl for too long and plus he still had pretty much every other woman of Lost Haven in his hands so what what the big deal? Why were you so damn special anyways?

“Look Sam,” paulie breathed in between laughs. “Y/N is admittedly very gorgeous but just leave it alone at this point. She’s very obviously more into him than you. What about that broad down at the Corleone…what was her name??”

“Michelle..” Sam gritted in a low venomous tone

“Right, Michelle! Maaaaybeee…you can get her out of that hell hole and I’m sure once she cleans up nicely she’ll be…something of a wife” Paulie erupted into laughter once again after finishing that sentence, barely able to hold back the tears that accompanied it.

Sam already decided enough was enough and there was no point in trying to play this whole love game thing fairly. Going down to your house and giving it to you straight was the only way he could think of doing this. He wanted your love story to feel organic and for your admiration for him to slowly bloom but you’re obviously not getting it. You don’t understand that Sam is the only possible match for you.

So much time stalking, analyzing and carefully articulating every move he made with you isn’t about be washed down the drain just because some bright eyed sucker wants to fuck you. No…it’s okay though. You’re just slightly misguided by all the butterflies and fluff but soon he’ll lead you right back to where you need to be.

As his car approached your door, he noticed a fellow holding a huge bouquet of flowers and a wrapped gift in his hand ready to knock on your door. Obviously Sam’s time was running out far sooner than he had previously expected at that moment something inside of him snapped.

Without thinking any further he got out of his sleek black car and opened the trunk, out of it he grabbed a bat and started towards the young man.

”Oh hey Sam! I’ve been knocking on y/n’s door for quite some time now. Do you know where sh-“ before the young man could even finish his next sentence the bat connected with his head and continued to do so as Sam kept striking him over and over..

Nothing was said out of Sam’s mouth as he beat him to a pulp…actually nothing could be heard throughout the entire neighborhood outside of the thwacking of the bat and the cries that escaped the admirer’s lips, pleading for him to stop. Everyone in the neighborhood silently watch from a distance, they all knew of Sam’s affiliation and no one wanted to be next on Salierie’s list. Even the birds decided to stop chirping in fear they too would meet the same fate as the fellow

This continued on for another couple minutes before a blood curdling scream broke Sam’s attack.

“Sam?!? What the hell are you doing to him????”

Hearing your familiar voice, Sam swiftly stood up to face you, hurriedly trying to explain what happened.

“Look…y/n calm down, this is just a simple miss understanding…”

He flashed a brisk smile and steadily started walking towards you

“Just come with me and we can speak about this over dinner, huh? You’d like that?”

Shaking your head and carefully backing away from the deranged man, you cried out

“No…n-no…no Sam….” A breath passed “Y-you gangsters are all the same…you hurt people without cause, just look at what you did to him! He was a good man!”

Sam for a moment, stopped walking and looked back at the bloody scene he had just created before looking back at you.

“Oh sweetheart…”

He began walking towards you again, this time faster so he could catch your arm.

“…trust me when I say, this isn’t the worst i could’ve done to em’. ”

Pulling you in close to his chest, he moved slightly to the side of your face and lowered his lips to your ear before speaking again,

“I’ve got something to make it up to you, doll face.” Looking down at his bloody and bruised hands, he held a perfectly intact rose…

[briefobservationdreamer]

Ace In The Hole: Discussing Asexual Representation In Hazbin Hotel And The Fandom

Alastor has become one of the most well-known asexual icons in modern media and has been the subject of quite a lot of discussion and discourse amongst fans, and I think there is a lot about this topic that really needs to be said. So, as an aroace, I would like to express some thoughts on how his asexuality is represented in Hazbin Hotel and considered throughout the fandom (with some mention of Helluva Boss briefly at the end).

To start with, I will go over all of the relevant scenes in the show, beginning with the pivotal scene since this provides the most explicit information, and then look at any meta narrative and paratext I can find, and try to remain as fair and objective as possible throughout the discussion.

It is a very brief 10-second exchange, but there is actually a lot to unpack in just these two lines of dialogue.

Rosie teases him about being asexual by jokingly dismissing the idea of Alastor and Charlie being in a relationship because Charlie would be too young for him, and then giving a more serious reason in Alastor being an "ace in the hole". As Rosie is using this as a reason for why she knows Alastor wouldn't be in a relationship with Charlie, this is definitely a pun made in reference to his sexuality rather than the common use of the phrase, which wouldn't be a logical explanation. The pun, of course, goes right over his head as asexuality wasn't really known in the early 20th century when he was alive, and Alastor doesn't tend to keep with the times as a rule.

The context that actually gives 'ace in the hole' its meaning - Rosie's comment about Charlie being too young for him - makes no clear distinction between sex and romance, merely alluding to a vague "relationship." Though, since the alternative would mean saying Charlie is far too young for him to have sex with but not too young for him to date - a distinction that is only really relevant to a couple with at least one partner not being of age yet and doesn't account for the stated age gap that in this case was portrayed in episode 5 of the show to be comparable to parent and child (Alastor wouldn't have been able to get away his "surrogate Dad" act otherwise) - Rosie could very easily be talking about romance as well, and is the interpretation that makes the most sense to me. Romance cannot be excluded from this context without justifying a person dating someone old enough to be their parent.

Finally, as Rosie and Charlie had not been officially introduced yet and Rosie is acting as though she knows nothing about Alastor and Charlie's relationship (even if she was made aware offscreen), her automatic assumption couldn't be applied to their relationship specifically, but rather anyone Alastor could have brought with him to her emporium, implying a general lack of interest in "relationships".

She has confidently concluded that Alastor is asexual, even without any explicit communication about it from Alastor. It would be extremely unlikely she could have come to that conclusion and ruled out all other possibilities (not having found the right person yet, currently being more invested in other aspects of his life, high relationship standards etc) without some very compelling evidence for it. Alastor likely would have confused the matter for them both if he ever had much of an interest in finding a partner of any kind throughout their history, even if it was just a result of ingrained societal expectations. If Alastor had been on the favourable end of even one of those spectrums, it's extremely unlikely he would have been able to articulate and express his experiences clearly enough for it to be distinguishable from allosexuality and alloromanticism without being educated on the subject, which he isn’t. Rosie has also clearly known him personally for a very long time, almost certainly decades, which would be enough time to call other possibilities into question.

Now, that is reading between the lines a lot, and we don't ultimately know what Rosie's reasoning is. Regardless of how she knows, this scene at the very least confirms that Alastor is asexual under a context that makes no distinction between sex and romance and with the implication that he isn't interested in relationships.

Aside from this, there are three scenes in the show in which the subject is brought up to him.

These scenes are occasions of him being disinterested when the topic is brought up, but they don't indicate anything conclusive about his sexual or romantic orientation. The most that can be said is that, while he generally prefers the company to men and women, he hasn't shown any kind of attraction to anyone or shown any interest in dating or sex, though the tone-deaf commercial he created in episode one indicates he is willing to occasionally engage in some sexual humour if he thinks the comedic payoff is worth it which I think is a nice touch.

As for meta narrative and paratext, Faustisse (a long-time friend of Vivzie) [Link] and Amir Talai (Alastor's voice actor in the Amazon Prime show) [Link] [Link] have stated he is aroace, however that has since been retracted to say he has only canonically been confirmed asexual, which is technically correct.

As for Vivzie herself, she has made the following comments.

HAZBIN HOTEL Cleanup Pt. 4 Ft. Edward Bosco (Alastor), Michael Kovach (Angel Dust), and Vivziepop. Timestamp: (2:23:23). "Vivzie confirms Alastor is asexual but is unaware of it, and confirms Alastor does not have a current love interest because he does not see many people as being on his level."

HAZBIN HOTEL Cleanup Pt. 5 Ft. Edward Bosco (Alastor), Michael Kovach (Angel Dust), and Vivziepop: Timestamps: 1:48:16 & 2:21:33. "Vivzie has a canon answer for Alastor's romantic aspect but does not want to ruin anyone's fun and it is not story relevant."

HAZBIN HOTEL Animation Cleanup Pt. 7 Ft. Michael Kovach (Angel Dust) and Vivziepop: Timestamp: (42:17). "Vivzie doesn't think Alastor has ever been intimate."

Hazbin Hotel Pilot Cast Live Panel (11th December 2020): Timestamp: 1:03:13. "Vivzie confirms Alastor is asexual, does not want to reveal his romantic aspect to avoid ruining anyone's fun and wishes for people to have fun while being respectful to canon."

I have also heard she has said that Alastor considers himself to be a straight man who hasn't found the right woman yet, though I haven't yet been able to locate a source for this.

These livestreams are a few years old now, well before season 1 released, so it isn't impossible she could have changed her mind, but these comments are consistent and she hasn't said or done anything to contradict them since. Four things are confirmed in her responses. 1) Alastor is asexual. 2) She has an official answer for what his romantic orientation is but does not want to officially reveal it. 3) At least part of the reason is that it will disprove ships and she doesn't want to upset people because of that (something that was also corroborated by Faustisse). 4) Alastor does not seem to have been attracted to anyone or been in a relationship with anyone in Vivzie's opinion.

The fact that Alastor is the only character whose romantic orientation has yet to be officially revealed is telling, I think. There aren't many reasons why a creator would choose to do this. One possibility is that it would spoil a pairing becoming canon in the show, however I don't think that entirely adds up. Simply revealing a character's sexuality and romantic orientation does not guarantee they will end up with someone. In Vivzie's own shows, characters such as Niffty and Loona have had their orientations confirmed and they have given attention to other characters on multiple occasions, and yet there is no implication, expectation or guarantee for them to eventually get a partner. She also expressed a wish for people to be more acknowledging of canon with regards to shipping during the Pilot VA panel. However, Alastor is single so the canon information that would contradict ships cannot be about his relationship status. It can only be about his sexual and romantic orientations. If Alastor were relationship favourable in any way, there are any number of ways she could have confirmed that without spoiling the show or going into enough detail to ruin ships, simply by saying he was relationship favourable or denying he is aromantic. Especially if he were open to all sexes, there would be no issue with her being as open about it from the start, before any expectations could be made by fans, as she has been with every other character in her shows. Instead, she opted to give no answer at all, thereby implying that definitely some if not all ships would be debunked on the basis of Alastor's orientation alone. While there is no explicit confirmation of this fact, I cannot imagine this situation would have arose if Alastor wasn't aromantic.

With what has been shown, it is understandable how someone could get the impression he isn't relationship favourable. Alastor is not attracted to anyone, he shows no signs of being interested in a relationship and there is no reason to think he is going to get together with anyone in the show. The two main defences that I've seen - "aro/ace people can still date/have sex" and "it was never confirmed he was aromantic" - do not hold much water in this case.

Now, as for the representation itself. He isn't defined by his asexuality, and the show never directly attributed his more unsavoury traits to it, though care does need to be taken about the "doesn't love anyone because he only loves himself" trope - something Vivzie has come close to insinuating, which would certainly be questionable. I personally don't mind the show's one ace character being a villain in this case, given the setting, though. Many characters in the show are portrayed negatively in Hell, regardless of their sexuality, and conversely it could even be considered infantilising to have the one asexual character also be one of the few good characters in the show. Again, the show hasn't really made that correlation.

He is too fully-developed and integral to the plot to be considered a token character. He defies being an emotionless robot/socially awkward nerd stereotype by instead being a passionate, flamboyant, charismatic man who, despite being a ruthless serial killer and a cannibal, still seems to be capable of feeling affection for others and forming close friendships. It is actually refreshing to see. Amir said it best when he said "you don't have to fuck to be fab", and I think Alastor could be good villainous ace representation if...

1. His asexuality and/or aromanticism is aknowledged just a little more in the show itself so there is no room for ambiguity. So far the only confirmation we've had is a quick and subtle joke which, while appreciated, could easily go over the heads of people who don't know what asexuality is, just as it did for Alastor. Vivzie might be fond of dropping lore on livestreams and social media, but not everyone is going to know what is said by creators outside of the show, nor should they be expected to in order to judge Hazbin Hotel as a show for its own merits.

2. He continues to have a capacity for affection and friendship, and more negative traits such as narcissism and a lack of empathy aren't attributed to him being (aro)ace. I think this is both important for giving him depth as a character and essential for avoiding harmful stereotypes. The idea that relationship averse aroaces aren't as capable of having profoundly loving relationships and will end up alone, and that people are boring or incomplete without a sexual or romantic partner is already a tired cliché that reinforces allonormativity/amatonormativity and it really needs to go.

The subject of shipping, however, is a rather complicated one in this situation. Rather than just vent my own personal feelings on the matter, I would instead like to offer a more nuanced perspective.

On the one hand, as with any minority group, being a relationship unfavourable aroace in a romance-focused and hypersexual society – to see the people around you get so invested in something elusive and unattainable for you and that you just can’t give to someone – can be a very isolating experience. Aphobia does exist, and even when others are being considerate, there will always be innocuous reminders that it is unusual. That is one of the reasons why representation of minority groups is important. In having fictional characters to relate to, it gives the healing and validating feeling of finally being acknowledged, seen and understood, as well as a chance to show the world who we really are. Relationship unfavourable fans finally find that with Alastor and feel they can relate to him, want to engage with fanbase, only for them to go online and find a vast portion of fanmade content consisting of rule 34, and shipping fanart and fanfiction. That the one aroace character is the one who gets shipped the most, and gets shipped with half the cast. That there is a large portion of the fanbase who don’t seem to care about him being aroace and use excuses to ignore it in favour of their own desires, and that the creator has refused to fully commit to his identity so those fans can be appeased. To put it into another perspective, this is not so very different from shipping an implied homosexual character in a heterosexual pairing and using the excuse that the creator never confirmed they weren’t attracted to the opposite sex to make their homosexuality more palatable. To make things worse, unlike shippers who have all of media to find other pairings if they lose their Alastor ship, we find almost nothing else if we lose our representation because likable, well developed and officially confirmed aroace characters are so exceedingly rare. It might just seem like harmless shipping fun for some people but there are a number of aroace fans, including myself, who feel more than a little uncomfortable and hurt by how much he gets shipped and sexualised in a mischaracterising and disrespectful way because a rare opportunity to find recognition, acceptance and solidarity is instead being used as an opportunity to disregard and invalidate our experiences.

On the other hand, there are people who like Alastor and enjoy the idea of him being in a relationship with another character, and perhaps even cherish it as a comfort ship. They just want to have fun expressing their love for a character they like and a dynamic between fictional characters that they find cute or charming or sexy, like kids harmlessly playing with dolls, only to be told that it is potentially disrespectful to both the character himself and to real people, and that they would have to fight and change the character’s identity and bend canon over backwards, simply to justify something they want to have fun enjoying in peace without feeling or being made to feel guilty about it. It is understandable that someone in that situation would find it difficult to acknowledge and respect Alastor’s aroace identity. There are also relationship favourable aroaces in this situation who want to explore their own identity and want to rightfully remind people that some aroace people can still have relationships.

That is ultimately the source of the problem. In one way or another, all sides feel threatened that something they deeply cherish as a source of joy and comfort will be taken away, and unfortunately there is no easy solution that will completely satisfy everyone. The best thing we can do is listen to each other, to compromise, to not paint one group with the same brush because of a few spiteful, toxic people, and to treat each other with respect and empathy for our different perspectives rather than hostility.

There is a lot to be said about managing expectations, of course, and I think that can also help to avoid and control problems like this. Fans can appropriately manage their own expectations and see the show’s content for what it is and not just what they want to see. To separate canon from fanon, in other words. It is also the responsibility of creators to properly communicate what should be expected from their content. While I can understand wanting to avoid the vitriol that comes from intense shipping wars, Vivzie’s refusal to give an official answer for Alastor’s aromanticism and the mixed messaging in merch hasn’t helped the situation, and in fact has only caused it and made it worse by leaving room for all sides to argue their case, and it doesn’t make her decision less questionable for the aroace people wanting good representation who will be hurt the most.

The only way to end the debate is to officially reveal Alastor’s orientation. At the end of the day, having aroace people be represented by an icon who is being used as queerbait by the creators and erased to prioritise shipping is simply not a good look, however unintentional or well-intentioned. LGBTQ identities still have to be explicitly confirmed in the first place for no-one to consider them cis-allo-het by default. Yes, Alastor is a fictional character, but a person’s attitude towards him being aroace can still potentially reflect their attitude towards real aroace people. How can relationship unfavourable aroace people be expected to believe that society accepts and respects them when there is such little widescale recognition, and on the rare occasions we could get actual representation, they are treated like this?

Does that mean it is wrong to ship him? Vivzie may have said we could ship anyone, but that doesn't automatically make it right. Personally, I don't enjoy shipping much in general, and I dislike Alastor ships on the basis of him being aroace, the fact that I think pretty much all of his relationships as portrayed in the show would be problematic as a mutual romance regardless of his orientation, and my general preference for canon compliance when it comes to fan content. However, I recognise that is my personal preference and can tolerate a certain amount of it in moderation. It isn't wrong just to like an Alastor pairing - and I am certainly never going to begrudge a fellow aro/ace exploring their identity on the spectrum using cartoons as an outlet with the rare piece of rep we have to share when reps currently have the whole spectrum on their shoulders - but distinctions between fanon and canon have to be made, and what has been established in canon has to be given respect.

Remember, "aro/ace people can still date/have sex" is a reminder that asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums, not an excuse to justify erasure in disregarding a character's canon asexuality/aromanticism and projecting allosexuality/alloromanticism onto them. There is so little representation already. We don't need what little we have being taken away.

In that vain, I would appreciate it if Alastor's asexuality and aromanticism gets acknowledged a little more in the show. Use characters like Angel Dust and Rosie, who are more clued in to LGBTQ identities. Rosie could hint at her reasoning for suspecting Alastor is aroace or usher away some Cannibal Town admirers. We're probably not going to see Angel Dust hitting on Alastor again, but those are the only two scenes they've directly interacted with one another.

Perhaps the other two hellaverse aces from Helluva Boss could be somewhere else on the spectrum. Alastor seems to be a relationship unfavourable aroace. Mammon could be sex favourable, considering he has no problem selling sex robots of his mascots. Octavia could be greysexual or demisexual, be more neutral about sex but could still want to find love at some point. Imagine the Goetia family trying to arrange a marriage for her. And what about more unusual dynamics, like one-sided ships or QPRs? Just some ideas, if only for fanfiction. They are both big spectrums. Let's have fun exploring them.

[cezqstar]

haven’t been active in the rykter fandom in awhile, but i’ve seen quite a lot of opinions floating around on here & twt that i had quite a lot of thoughts about!

someone said the show is queerbaiting… and i genuinely cannot believe how anyone can see a character figuring out his queer identity and only see the matherik ship & dumb it down to queerbaiting.

edit: i want to clarify this part i said on queerbaiting because i didn’t articulate my thoughts in depth. at the end of season 2, mathias initiated a kiss with erik ultimately implying his queer identity. and his season 3 storyline has confirmed him as a queer character, who is crushing on erik & struggling with acceptance whilst getting bullied by his ex-best friend. however, erik’s pov is open to interpretation, which leaves a lot of space for fan theories (that i eat tf up) but at the moment, that’s all they are. fan theories. erik’s actions can be interpreted as both platonic & non-platonic, and i don’t see the show dangling matherik in the audiences faces. since they’re very focused on mathias’ story and his perspective rather than erik’s. whose own story seems to focus on him hanging around the wrong crowd and his questionable behaviour. it leaves the storyline open to go down two very different routes: erik could have his own queer realisation and the two of them eventually end up together. or mathias’ has unrequited feelings for his straight (or aro 👀) friend but those feelings helped him with his own queer journey to acceptance. and i think with how they’ve set erik up, it could genuinely go either way and make sense.

^^ that’s why i believe the queerbaiting claims are a stretch.

it’s become very clear why people began watching rykter: matherik. but people NEED to remember that the show is not solely about them. it never has been. this show is about the chaotic lives of ‘sheltered’ (i can’t think of the word i’m after) teenagers who all have the capability to be stupid, immature and selfish. which yes, includes felix as one of those characters and yes, includes erik as a teenager capable of being a bad person at times.

these teenagers are also all (well almost all) capable of redemption. mathias has proved his own ability to be redeemed after his s1 antics, erik will surely have his own redemption path regarding his current s3 antics and thea is currently having her redemption this season. just because erik has been generally good in the first two seasons, doesn’t mean he isn’t prone to poor decision making & shitty actions. remember: they’re all 15-16 years old.

i’ve seen a few people suggest that the rykter writers are ‘getting off’ on or ‘enjoying’ the homophobic abuse that mathias has been subjected to, but i think that’s a massive stretch. and an extremely poor outlook on the shows writing in my opinion. many people forget that even though norway is a progressive country that homophobic shitheads still exist. and the way mathias is being treated by someone as horrible as felix & no one saying anything due to being ‘sheltered’ followers is quite real.

and when someone as jealous, hateful & spiteful as felix who clearly puts up with his own share of prejudice gets to put someone else down (someone who he also feels ‘betrayed’ by), he’ll jump at that opportunity in an attempt to make himself better and stronger. from victim -> perpetrator. i understand the frustration around this season focusing on felix quite a lot but people need to stop seeing his storyline as ways to ‘excuse’ his actions and moreso to explain them & simply SHOW his life. they seem pretty hellbent on showing you that he’s a shitty person regardless of his home life & personal issues.

anyways rant over! time to disappear again lol. feel free to disagree with anything i said. always happy to have a discussion!