#(Due to length it's been put under a cut <3)< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[felassan]

Sylvia Feketekuty: "To celebrate DA day, I've made a bluesky account that I'll keep active for a few days to talk about my work on Inqusition or Veilguard! After a few days I'll lock the account, because I'm not a social media person. Happy to talk until then though. I want to say straight off: the reception to Emmrich, Manfred, the Mourn Watch, and the Grand Necropolis has been heartwarming for all of us who worked on those people and places. Thank you all very much!" [source, two]

Rest of post under cut due to length and spoilers. [Post Two, Post Three]

Sylvia Feketekuty: "In the meantime, I do want to talk about a couple of things I saw floating around regarding Emmrich: 1. Emmrich being 52 or 50. I think people got 50 from data mining a character file, but we can't do a ranges in those files. As in, I couldn't input 50-60, it had to be a whole number. I put down 50 as an early ballpark, then went more accurate in later audition scripts. 2. Fifty-two is a old number I threw into an early document before his art or character was totally final. (And which caused another developer a headache because they thought it was accurate, I never updated it. Sorry about that.) 3. "Wait, how old is Emmrich then?" Once I saw his final character art, I felt more mid to late 50s. MAYBE early 60s. But unless we specifically state a character's age in the game, it's all malleable. I honestly would just adjust it to your impressions unless stated otherwise. 4. I've also seen comments on how weird it is for Emmrich to act like there's an age-gap in the romance if your Rook is around his age. And you're right. 5. The reason is because Rook WAS younger when those scenes were written and worked on. I felt it'd be odd if I never addressed the May-December aspect, especially as it hooks into some of Emmrich's worries. 6. By the time that shifted, it was really too late to change without catastrophic repercussions to the excellent cinematics and music and other things that depend on line delivery and timing. 7. To be clear: you can feel how you want about the age gap coming up at all! But that's how the discrepancy came about. 8. "Is there a way to reconcile Emmrich acting like my Rook is way younger than him if they're not?" Great question! I have several suggestions: -Accept it's an error. (True, but unexciting) -Emmrich considers a gap of 3-5 years scandalous. (Funny, albeit a bit cartoonish.) -The Mourn Watch has perfected swapping out organs, and Emmrich is nervously hiding that he's way older than he looks out of vanity. (Untrue, but funny.)" [source thread]

User in reply to point 6. above: "I'm personally glad it was too late to change because their argument about it is genuinely my favorite scene in the entire game! 😭💕 It's such an important moment to me" / Sylvia: "Thanks! That one was one where I was all sweatily trying to balance things out, with tone, with pacing, etc. Really glad it came together for you. (Cine and the actors did heroic things there to get it feeling just so!)" [source]

More snippets:

Emmrich's favorite ice cream flavor? Rum raisin [source]

Lots of people on the dev team shared the vision of having a bunch of gothic weirdness in that pocket of Thedas [source] (Necropolis/Nevarra)

Sylvia "especially liked writing the Mourn Watch origin, it was fun to write a fellow nerd for Emmrich to chat with" [source]

Sylvia poured some personal worries and fears into writing Emmrich [source]

On Vorgoth and their nature: "I'm a little leery of saying anything, partly because I'm cowardly avoiding publicly defining anything more until/if I ever need to. And partly because I did want them to be a fresh unknown. Sorry!" [source] "I'm glad you like Vorgoth, but I'm afraid I don't have much for you that isn't in the game. I deliberately wrote them so as to leave room, if we ever revisited them, or for Vorgoth to remain mysterious, if we did not. I'm sorry if that's not a very satisfying answer!" [source] "I will say, it was fun to throw in a few lines about Vorgoth's art collection. Their passion for it is sincere and deep. (I wanted all the Watchers to have a little non-death related hobby or interest, because they can be so singularly focused.)" [source]

Dwarven Mourn Watcher is a rare origin combo for Rook so Sylvia wanted to call it out [source]

On the outcomes of Emmrich's quest: "I tried really hard to make the options equally viable, and more up to the player's interpretation or preferences of what it would mean for Emmrich in their view. It's been interesting seeing reactions to it, which hinge sometimes on various single lines pushing people one way or another!" [source]

"The Grand Necropolis is always eager and ready for a new member of the Mourn Watch to grace its ranks." [source]

User: "I loved Emmrich's view on death and what his personal quest ultimately went on to say about the nature of death itself, and how the beauty of mortality lies in its impermanence and unpredictability." / Sylvia: "I really wanted to dig into those themes, and everyone in cine and art and level design and editing and the whole team honed in exactly on the vibe. The floral stuff especially, I was so thrilled when I played through the Memorial Gardens' with the art and lighting in." [source]

User: "I experience thanatophobia and that first conversation w/ Emmrich was so affirming and helped me describe my own anxiety to others" / Sylvia: "Thanks, the thanatophobia was, as you may've guessed, a personal experience for me too. I'm glad it was something that helped a little." [source] "I suspect that phobia is way more common than people think, and part of the reason Emmrich talks about it was to express that sentiment out loud. I find it helps sometimes just to acknowledge it." [source]

What languages does Emmrich speak other than Trade? "I think he'd be familiar with Tevene, since there's surely many, many old texts about magic written in that language. Kind of like a doctor that knows latin through their work. I also named that MW alphabet "tomb-script", though I'm not sure if it has a spoken component or not since it never came up in-game. If it does, he'd be able to speak that for sure." [source, two]

User: "Playing as a Mourn Watch Rook has been an absolute delight!!!" / Sylvia: "Thank you so much, I really liked writing those branches of the dialogue. Since Emmrich's so focused on necromancy, it was fun having a Rook who could be both casual and knowledgeable about it." [source]

User: "In your opinion, what outcome do you prefer for a romanced Emmrich (lich/non lich)?" / Sylvia: "Interesting question! To be honest, I'm afraid to answer it properly in case anyone takes my answer to be a canonical one. I really wanted either path to feel equally interesting/correct for whatever you decide fits your Rook's relationship with Emmrich. (We're also in the strange waters of meta-reasoning. I GAVE Emmrich his fear of death-Sorry Emmrich!-which makes me feel a little culpable for that, even though he's entirely fictional. And that might prey on my mind when trying to decide. A very odd experience!)" [source, two]

What music genres would Emmrich be into? "Classical music is very much playing to type for Emmrich, but I feel it's also correct. He'd enjoy a nice concerto or an organ recital. Or, if he's feeling daring, a bold new Orlesian opera! But I don't think his tastes are too outré in that area. That said, I saw someone post something like "Leave Emmrich alone, let him attend the Depeche Mode concert" while listening to Depeche Mode's "Violator", for the first time, which made me laugh. (Great album. If he could get over the shock of synths, Emmrich might enjoy "Waiting for the Night".)" [source, two]

When writing Emmrich the devs wanted to try and hit the gothic romance vibe [source]

Does Emmrich mix his own fragrance/cologne? Does he ever vary it by the season? "I think Emmrich goes to some of the many perfumers that have set up shop in Nevarra City around the Necropolis, just because he trusts their judgement and expertise. I hadn't considered him varying it by season, but that's very fun! I certainly think he has more than one bottle of scent." [source]

User: "How does Lich Emmrich have sex?" / Sylvia: "I don't mind the question! But my answer's a bit boring: I generally stay at arm's length on the more explicit romance stuff, just because if it's not stated or shown in-game, I don't want to bring in a canonical answer that might affect what people imagined. My general preference for romantic scenes that get physical is to leave blank space somewhere, so players can imagine what happens next. It's not the ONLY way to do it, I think there's legitimate artistic reasons to go more explicit. But that's how I approached Emmrich (and before him Josephine.)" [source, two]

User: "The scene with the fade glow where he touches your hand haunts me in the best way" / Sylvia: "Aw thank you. Our animators and audio people made that scene way better than I could've hoped! They took such care with everything there. I want to say that little eye-peep from Rook was added in by one of them, which was the perfect touch." [source]

User on Emmrich: "i’m curious whether you think he’d prefer dogs or cats (or both, or neither)" / Sylvia: "I think he'd consider cats and dogs a little too noisy and messy for his tastes. Not like a nice, quiet plant or skeleton! (Weirdly, I actually had a scrap of banter going over this exact subject at one point. It got tightened down to the exchange with Harding about the pig he used to hug when he was a kid.)" [source, two]

Sylvia was trying to tease Nevarra with the Tevinter Nights story Down Among the Dead Men [source]. "It was really fun to tease the Necropolis, so to speak, in TN, and I'm grateful we got to actually let players through its gates at last." [source]

User: "if Rook chooses to save Manfred and keep Emmrich mortal, what would Emmrich wish to become of his body once he did pass on?" / Sylvia: "Good question. I think he'd want to remain active and useful in death. A guide for other Mourn Watchers, or posted as a mystic guide somewhere dangerous, or perhaps an oracle in the library." [source]

User: "when and how was it decided that Emmrich would be romanceable? I remember reading that he would not be a romance option." / Sylvia: "I'm not sure where that came from, because I pitched him and then shortly after that we decided the entire cast was romanceable. That was fairly early on in the development of Veilguard, as I recall it. (Could've been a crossed wire?)" [source]

Trick Weekes: "Sylvia wrote the fantastic Emmrich "the Vol-carnage" Volkarin and everything that happens in Nevarra while dealing with a lead writer whose attitudes about corpses and undead are... not dissimilar from Taash's." [source] / Sylvia: "I still remember when you gave the very accurate feedback "I think we need to give players whose Rooks aren't into corpses some roleplaying choices to express this" and I was all "Ohhh yeaaaaaah." (Thank u Trick, you were right)" [source] / Trick: "Specifically, being able to express this without locking themselves out of the content! (For non-Sylvia folks) Given my issues with corpses, Emmrich as a whole was SUPER Not For Me, so I gave one caveat and then said, "For the rest of my critique, I will be impersonating his target audience." [source]

Sylvia on the secret origins of Manfred: "After I pitched Emmrich, I started jotting down notes and thoughts on his plots, his quirks, all that kind of stuff. It was very early on Veilguard, anything was still possible. We were chatting in the writer's room about it one day, and I think we'd just seen some early concept art for Emmrich. And our lead writer Trick Weekes joked that Emmrich looked like a man who'd have a skeleton named Manfred. And I laughed and went "Yeah he does!" And then I thought about it. It's wild in retrospect, but that one comment spurred a train of thought that led to the core of Emmrich's arc. He may've ended up a very different character without it! tl;dr: I stole it from Trick." [source, two, three, four]

"I got to play with a pretty free palette when defining the way Emmrich and the necromancers view death and spirits. But I tried to keep it within the confines of existing lore. That's one reason why that scene where Emmrich talks about Manfred to Harding goes into "the eternal question" of whether a soul actually returns with the dead or not. Nevarra has distinct beliefs, but I thought it'd be interesting if its people argue over their interpretations of those beliefs." [source, two]

"the other writers also suggested a bit later on that the big choice dig more into Emmrich's philosophies. Initially, it was more personally focused on his fears, which made it 'relatable' but pettier. Without that correction, I think it would've been weaker, I totally needed the team push." [source]

"I have a few guides to graveyard symbology, and it's so packed with references and meaning." [source]

User: "Did any of your own fears & experiences, make it into the writing of Emmrich? If yes, is it information you’re comfortable sharing with us? If it’s too personal to give any details, that’s fine as well. Also, across the other games, who do you think Emmrich will get along with best?" / Sylvia: "some of his fears are absolutely personal. The reflexive-compulsive panic over death is something I'm very familiar with, and I wanted to explore that through him. Because I suspected it was not uncommon, and worth examining. The question of who he'd get along with from the other games is surprisingly tough! Because without asking the other writers about their characters, I wouldn't know for sure. So I can only really speak to Josephine with surety. That said: -I think Josephine would be polite, and grow to like him, but would never entirely be over the ostentatious necromancy. -I think Emmrich meeting Sera would be the funniest match." [source, two, three]

"Peter Cushing was also one of my go-tos as an example of what I wanted Emmrich to be." [source]

"(Huge shout out to all the animators and level designers making Manfred run, quite literally. Like 95% of his personality lives in his movement, I think they nailed it.)" [source]

On Emmrich: "I tried to put a lot of passion and sincerity in his love for the dead, and I admit the Necropolis was THE big place I wanted to see in Thedas myself ever since reading about it in a codex." [source]

User: "Thank you for letting him have that cemetery dream date!" / Sylvia: "Having the date in the cemetery was one of the first things I wanted when thinking about the romance." [source]

"Josephine was the first time I was entrusted with a new character and a new romance at once, and that'll always be special to me." [source]

User: "How much input did you have in Emmrich's appearance in the podcast?" / Sylvia: "In the podcast, none myself. I believe it was handled by a third party but reviewed by a few people at BW, I don't know too much past that. (We did provide a descriptor and character rules. Stuff like "Emmrich never swears" and "always says amongst" and broader, more thematically useful things.)" [source]

User on Emmrich: "Are you planning any other external-media stories for him?" / Sylvia: "Thanks very much, The Flame Eternal has a special place in my heart for being the first time Emmrich got to be center stage in a story. (And very flattering to hear about the cross stitch. That's so cool!) I can't speak to any external-media plans, I'm afraid. That's not an implied hint about anything existing or not, it's just literally outside what I'm allowed to chat about. It'd be fun to do something like that again though!" [source, two]

"I must give full credit to Nick Borraine, Emmrich's voice actor. He got the compassion and tenderness the character needed right away." [source]

"And glad him being closer to your age resonated, I really wanted someone older out on an adventure. No reason that has to stop at any age IMO." [source]

User: "do the mourn watcher/nevarra in general raise their pets after they die to keep them around? like a dog skeleton with a whisp in it?" / Sylvia: "To be honest I hadn't thought out this one, but it's a very good question. I'm not sure how common that would be, or even if it's permitted to have pets running around the family crypt. (I definitely thing people would WANT to do it.) You know, I think I'm going to have to leave this one in the vague quantum foam of the future. I think I'd want to not only double check existing lore, but answer that in-game (or in a book or etc.) if we ever need to. (Hope that's not too much of a cop out. Sometimes I like to leave questions I'm not sure about alone, because until it's in an official game or story, it doesn't quite count.)" [source, two, three]

User: "as someone who shares emmrich's anxiety about mortality, getting to spend time with him, and in the grand necropolis and with the mourn watch, was genuinely soothing" / Sylvia: "Thank you, I'm glad he was a comfort. It's a familiar fear for me too, and I'd hoped he would connect that way with people very much." [source]

On the giant ribcage 'ceiling' in the Necropolis: "sadly, even I don't know all the mysteries of the Necropolis. (Which is to say it's a very cool bit of art but has no stated origin yet. Could be a large dragon, a giant...or something weirder!)" [source]

On TN story Luck in the Gardens: "It was nice change up, writing in first person and with someone so rascally. I've got an enduring affection for the Lords after writing Hollix, the scamp." [source]

User: "I just love his genuine enthusiasm for everything he does. If the other party members had fan clubs Emmrich would be the president of each and I love that for him" / Sylvia: "Thank you! I really wanted him to embody a kind of expansiveness and generosity of spirit, to stand in contrast to the eeriness of his abilities." [source]

User: "What was your inspiration for Josie?" / Sylvia: "My girl! When I came on to Inquisition, there'd already been work done on setting up the spine of the main plot, and figuring out the overall cast. But one of the advisors was a little murkier. It just said "Diplomat" on the white board. We knew we wanted someone in that position, but not who. So in a game where you were out exploring, killing demons, etc., but also had a big organization to run? I immediately wanted to make a Diplomat firmly there for you. Somebody you could hand the keys to the entire Inquisition to while you were out, and know it'd be in good hands. I also thought it'd be fun to have someone from Antiva, since that area wasn't covered yet by anyone in the cast. And I needed her to be polished, smooth, but heartfelt, because of that aforementioned trust. And that was the core of Josephine! Her voice actor, Allegra, brought her to life with such lovely charm, and hearing those early sessions also helped me further hone her tone." [source, two, three, four]

"Our music supervisor Ron Dazo hit it out of the park with Emmrich's music IMO. And so glad you liked Hezenkoss! Just very fun to write as a character." [source]

User: "Did any specific watcher raise MW Rook?" / Sylvia: "Good question! I kind of left that one alone because I wasn't sure if I wanted to let Rook define that themselves, or leave it open, and also I'd have wanted a full conversation on it. In the end that was a little out of scope so I left it unsaid. Which is to say that it COULD be Vorgoth who helped raise your Rook. And that stands until/unless we give a definitive answer (or let you choose from a range of answers) one day." [source, two]

"It was such a pleasure for all of us to finally get to explore the Necropolis, I am very glad we got to throw open the gates." [source]

User: "I was wondering if there were any Mourn Watch details you wished you had more time to explore? I was so struck by some of the ethical implications in your stories" / Sylvia: "Geeze, now that's a question. I mention it with Emmrich, but there's some resentment over the power the Watchers hold as THE mortalitasi of the Grand Necropolis, between them and the other orders. There's something to that situation I liked. There's also questions of how they select people for the order. What their standards are, how closely they work with benign spirits. And how they cultivate those relationships. How deep does that go? I also mentioned in a codex "the lives and bodies of those who tamper with the undead of the Necropolis are forfeit unto the Mourn Watch." which is pretty chilling. What's that punishment like, exactly? And in general, writing about anything weird or unexplained in the Necropolis brought me much enjoyment, and it would be fun to dig around how the Mourn Watch deals with (or what they want out of) all these mysteries and entities." [source, two, three, four]

"Geeking out with Emmrich about spooky stuff was a delight to write." [source]

"I liked writing someone older this time, it was something different for me and rewarding in some unexpectedly different ways. (And thanks especially for the nice words on DAtDM - I was very excited to introduce people to the Mourn Watch there!)" [source]

"Ah, tomb-script. I named it but it was our concept artists who went developed it with the hexagon shape-language of the Mourn Watch, which I loved. Conceptually: I think it's used purely an occult or sacred language. Something for the graves, or books on magic, but not everyday things." [source]

"Some trans people kindly offered their help with some feedback on some of the romance lines and others, which absolutely made them much better." [source]

"Trick Weekes actually wrote a ton of the banter where Emmrich inquires into qunari artifacts and customs, and Taash talks about what it was like to grow up under a scholar. I really dig the dynamic they unearthed between the two there." [source]

[marvelobsessed134]

Kill kill

This is part of my spooky summer series! You can find the masterlist in the pinned post on my profile!

Pairings: Serial Killer!Kate Bishop x Fem!Reader

Warnings: g!p Kate, fingering (f receiving), dom!kate, sub!reader, descriptions of violence, Kate is mentally unstable yall I cannot get enough of writing Kate as a complete psychopath <3

“The bow killer as they’ve been nicknamed due to bows and arrows being their preferred weapon, has begun terrorizing New York City. More after the break.” The news sounded from the TV. This damn killer has been everywhere recently. You sighed as you continued to cut strawberries up to eat as a little late night snack. Kate won’t be home till a little later she said she had something going on with work.

She has been gone late a lot more lately, which is suspicious but she provides for you and so, you choose not to question it. After cutting the strawberries you sat down at the couch and turned on HBO to watch one of your favorite horror flicks. Something to keep your mind off the very real murderer that’s on the loose.

In the middle of the movie the door to your shared apartment opened to reveal your sweaty and exhausted girlfriend. You furrowed your brows and paused the TV. “Where were you?” You asked. You didn’t want to sound insecure or anything like that but you couldn’t help it! She’s gone for three extra hours and comes home exhausted and sweaty like what!?

The raven haired girl paused for a moment, “At work. I thought I told you?”

“Yeah, I um forgot. Sorry.” She walked towards you and pressed her lips against hers. The kiss began to get more heated as she pushed you back onto the couch and got on top of you. You could feel her growing bulge against your leg making you whimper.

“You’re so pretty.” She whispered as she pulled her shirt off and undid her bra as well as doing the same to you. Kate toyed with your nipples and moved her hand down inside your sleep shorts and panties, playing with your wet core.

“Fuck Kate!” You moaned as you arched your back. “Cum for me baby, give me those sweet juices.” She growled.

As if on demand you felt yourself clenching around her fingers and you came inside your panties. “Naughty girl, cumming inside of her panties.” Your girlfriend chuckled before pulling her fingers out and sucking them dry. You then flipped her over, “Let me suck your cock?” You asked innocently.

“Fuck yes.” She muttered. You unbuttoned the fly of her jeans before pulling them down along with her boxers while you were mesmerized by her impressive length like always, you noticed a knife was tucked under the waistband of her boxers. It had a slip cover on it to cover the blade but there was…blood splattered on the handle?

“Katie…” you asked nervously.

“What is it honey? Can’t take it?” She teased but she knew that wasn’t the case because you’ve sucked her off many times before.

“What’s this?” You asked as you held up the knife. Her eyes widened, “I-it’s uh self defense.” Her response was way to quick as if she was covering something up.

“Kate Bishop please tell me the truth.” You said, a little more firmly but in a scared way.

Your girlfriend sat up and carefully took the knife from you. “If I tell you this, promise not to run. Because I will find you if you do.” Her words unsettled you but also oddly turned you on at the same time.

She put her hand over yours as she said this. All you could do was nod.

“I’m the bow killer.” Those four words sent you to the edge. Your heart was pounding, your pussy was still soaked and your mind was running ramped.

“T-the…y-you-“ was all you could muster out.

“Yes, baby. But please know I love you and I’m never gonna hurt you.” The raven haired girl cupped your face in her hands.

“Why?” Was all you could ask.

“Ever since I was a kid I had this…urge to hurt people. I know it’s wrong but I could never shake it and I- one night I let myself go and I killed a woman but it felt so good. The feeling was so addicting that I decided to just keep doing it. The more people I kill the less…I want to hurt you.” Her explanation was wild and you felt insane for understanding her.

“I don’t know why but I understand.” You replied. She sighed in relief and put the knife down on the coffee table, “Don’t tell anyone about this. You understand?”

“Yes Kate.”

“Good girl.” And she kissed you once again.

[hotyanderedaddies]

you are legit my fav author on here your stories are amazing, could I possibly request yandere wolf daddy with a forced feminized male reader ( who secretly enjoys it)

and can I be 🪬 anon? :3

[Yandere! Werewolf Daddy x Male! Reader]

·゜·:.。..。.:·☆·゜·:.。..。.:·☆

"Princess, it's time to wake up," Daddy whispered into your ear as he tightened his hold on you, squeezing you in closer to his hairy chest. He leaned down and placed a large kiss onto your forehead, exaggerating his kissing noises.

You grunted in response, already rolling your eyes at the older werewolf's foolishness.

The big werewolf rolled out from under you and stood up from the bed, stretching his powerful arms over himself. He looked down at you and mock-frowned when he saw that you haven't budged, too tired to get out of bed at such an obscene hour (7 AM).

Daddy crossed his muscled arms over his beefy chest, tsking at you. "Princess," he warned, putting on an authoritative air, "it's time to get up so we can get ready for the day. Now be a good girl and listen to Daddy."

"Shut up..." you whined, shoving the bubblegum pink pillow over your head in frustration.

You heard Daddy utter out a low growl.

Before you knew it, Daddy threw your tiny body over his broad shoulder. He stomped over towards the bathroom, plopping you on your feet in front of the tub.

"I'll lay your clothes out on the bed," Daddy said as he reached over and turned on the hot water for the shower, steam already billowing out. "Unless, you want some of Daddy's help?"

"Pass," you muttered, slamming the bathroom door shut so that you had some semblance of privacy.

As you washed yourself under the hot water of the shower, you couldn't help but sigh as you lathered up your hair with the sickly sweet strawberry scented shampoo. It was such a girly smell and the bottle was even bright pink with flecks of glitter garnishing it- you wouldn't have been caught dead using it at the gym with all of your buddies around.

Still, even you had to admit that it did smell a little good. You couldn't resist taking a big whiff of the sweet strawberries as you lathered up your longer hair that Daddy forbade you to cut.

Normally, you opted for buzzcuts since it was an easier style to manage, but now your hair was shaggy and starting to cover up your ears due to its longer-than-normal length.

After rinsing out the suds from your hair, you grabbed your equally sweet smelling body wash (this one shaped like a red candied apple), and washed yourself.

It's been four months since Daddy stole you.

You'd been packing up your stuff to move out of your freshman dorm at college. You'd been all set to leave the next morning and had lied down to get some much needed sleep.

That'd been when Daddy had snuck in through your open window, and had snatched you out of bed.

He'd taken you to the cabin he calls "Home", where he'd claimed that you were soulmates and where he dotes on you hand and foot...

and where he insists on calling you "Princess", "Baby Girl", "Sweetiepie", et cetera.

Daddy dresses you up in the girliest clothes that he can find, and he keeps on giving you gifts that would traditionally belong on the more feminine side of the spectrum (roses, jewelry, vibrators).

It was mortifying for a manly athlete such as yourself... or at least, it used to be.

Despite your annoyance, even you had to admit that having such a strong, hunky, muscly wolf daddy pampering you constantly was sorta nice.

Ignoring your irritation for the time being, you stepped out of the shower and dried yourself off. You walked back into the bedroom and nearly wailed at the hot pink hoodie and light blue skinny jeans that Daddy had picked out for you to wear. It was a rather tame outfit considering that there were no frills or glitter this time; but you were never a big fan of pink to be honest.

Still, not wanting another spanking, you yanked on the clothes, surprised at how soft the fabric of the hoode was. Despite its garish color, the fabric was soft to the touch like fleece, and you could definitely smell Daddy's musk on it from when he absolutely rolled around on it to scent it.

As you examined yourself in the mirror, the bedroom door swung open and Daddy sauntered in, wearing tattered blue jeans and no shirt, allowing his buff chest muscles to be on display.

The split second his eyes landed on you, Daddy rushed forward and wrapped you up in his arms, nuzzling you lovingly.

"You look so cute, Princess," Daddy gushed happily. "You're Daddy's Baby Girl, right?"

The way Daddy looked at you with such love and adoration in his eyes, combined with the softness of the hoodie, the sweet scent of the strawberry shampoo, and the firmness of Daddy's large muscles caused you to completely melt into the wolf daddy's hold.

"Yeah, yeah," you mumbled, blushing slightly as you rested your head on Daddy's chest, hearing the deep rumble of contentment as he kissed your forehead.

[bloodycassian]

Striking a Deal - Reader x Azriel

Reader is a demon, capable of granting information in exchange for things she wants. When Azriel summons her, she may be more than he can handle. 

Warnings - ‘forced’ sex due to circumstance, bondage, unbreakable ties, choking, teasing, orgasm denial, HFO/hands free orgasm, cock milking, squirting, cum paly, g-spot and clitoral stim, fingering, mention of knot (no knotting), hand job, wing play, mention of blood ingestion (not super sexual, not in scene),

As always, skip to ++++++++++ for just the nasty stuff. <3

NSFW 18+ MDNI

Azriel was desperate. Fully, truly desperate for stooping this low. 

Still, he chanted on, plowing through verse after verse of the summoner’s spell.

He had little regret over what he’d done. Scaring away fifteen priestesses hadn’t been hard, but finding the right tome had been. He should have asked for the book first. 

“Of blood, and by this flame I summon you.” He finished, slicing a cut into his wrist deep enough to coat the pile of bones and herbs he’d gathered for this ritual. 

And there was silence. He glanced around, taking in the painted walls of the temple and carved archways. The moon was little more than a sliver, the thing he’d summoned could be anywhere. He scented his own fear and clamped down on it, forcing his mind to ease. 

To fear would be fatal, now. 

“I expected someone more powerful than a shadowsinger.” Her voice was like honey dripping into his ears. His neck went stiff, as if a puppeteer was controlling him. His shadows lashed out into the darkness, quickly finding the owner of the voice and wrapping them - no.. her - in bindings. 

Very much her. Gorgeous proportions and the hair, his mind went foggy with lust. He saw her now that his shadows had pinpointed her, and was wholly overwhelmed with the perfection of her. Something deep inside him rumbled with warning, though. 

This was no witch or sorcerer, not even a Queen. This was something far more powerful and deadly, and he struggled to remember that.

“I may be more powerful than you know.” He said, attempting to put on the saam air of seduction the female radiated. 

She walked through his shadows as if they weren’t even there, and again his mind quaked with unfamiliar fear. 

“What is it such a powerful shadowsinger needs then?” She hummed, bending beside him and plucking a bone from the floor. She stuck out her tongue and lapped at the length of it, staring at Azriel the whole time. His cock surged, and he cleared his throat. 

“I seek a weapon. Something to end a God.” Azriel began, gauging her unimpressed reaction. 

“And?” She prompted, taking another lick of his blood. Goosebumps broke out along his flesh.

“Would you be able to help with something like that?” He his his irritation behind an easy smile, watching her tongue. At least her beauty made up for such informality. 

“I suppose. It depends how much the asker is willing to pay for such a thing.” 

“I have gold.” He supplied, not convince his lowest bid would be enough. Especially not with a demon this peculiar. 

“I do too.” She smiled, and waved a hand. His vision went blurry for a moment, then all around him appeared as if he were in a vault of gold marks, gold pillars, stretching from the floor going up and up into the blackened sky. A hot breath fell on his neck, and when he whipped around, the golden eye of a massive beast greeted him. 

He jumped backwards, knocking his ritual items over, sending them clattering through the temple. He whirled back around, facing the demon he’d brought here. She shrugged, casting the bone aside and approaching him. 

“Show me what you’re really willing to lose, Shadowsinger.” She walked two fingers up his abdomen, to his chest and rested them under his jaw, forcing him to look up. “A weapon that powerful is going to cost more than anything I sense you carry.” 

“What do you want?” He hissed, hating how much her touch turned him on. Her nails scratched down his neck, and it was like a branding iron on his skin. Chills raced along his arms. 

She sighed, admiring the way his throat bobbed, the way the tendons in his neck stuck out when he was so tense. “I’ve been so… lonely, stuck in the Pit by myself.” She pouted, making his cock ache with the suggestion of what she was proposing. “No one summons us anymore. All you fae and mortals trust so much in your common magics and healers. No one is desperate enough to call upon us anymore.” 

He took a steadying breath, his heart hammering in hsi chest. She leaned in, so close to his ear he could feel her hot breath against it. “I want you… to summon me. To bring me back to this planet and allow me to live. Even for the short while before they pull me back. Cast this same ritual, and bring me back.” She took his hand and brought it to her breast, squeezing his fingers tight around it. A groan fell from him, and before he could even think about the implications of striking such a deal, his mouth was on hers. 

The deal had been struck.

++++++++++++++++++++++

The searing burn of his tongue upon yours was so deliciously delightful, so full of need and challenge that you could hardly feel the brand of the deal writing itself on your neck. 

The kiss had sealed the bond, the rest of this would be just for fun. 

“Your weapon-” You say between moans, pulling his tunic off and freeing his muscled body. “Will be found in the deepest lake on the highest peak-” 

He rips your clothes off, tearing and urgent with need. “I didn’t summon you for a riddle.” He growls, dipping his head to catch a nipple between his teeth. A sharp gasp escapes you, and you squeeze his cock in your hand. 

“You didn’t summon me as your whore, either.” You correct, yanking him back by the hair. He bares his teeth, and his shadows wrap around your ankles, thick and cool against your skin. 

“You certainly act like that’s what you’re here for.” He grunts, and those shadows snake farther up your exposed legs until they’re massaging into your thighs. A ripple of want shoots through you at their closeness to your waiting cunt. 

You’re too distracted by his hands and shadows on you to really give him a comeback. Truthfully, his filthy mouth could be saying anything at this moment and you wouldn’t care, not as long as he was touching you. It’d been a century since you’d seen anything other than the black pit of your home, and with such a gorgeous male before you, how could one resist? Your blood had been thrumming with need the second you’d crawled out of your home.

He pulls you forward, onto one of the short steps that leads to the recessed center of the room. “Now, what do I have to do to get you to bring me this weapon?” He rasps against your skin, biting your shoulder as he sat you down on the step. He pulls away, only to start lapping down your body until he is between your thighs, joining his shadows there. 

“You want another deal, Shadowsinger?” You pant, leaning back on the step behind you and spreading your legs wide for him. He groans and the shadows ghost over your folds with teasing, almost-touches.

“Tell me.” He demands, and laps at you with a flattened tongue. “Such a pretty pussy.” He praises. 

Your legs snap together, squeezing his head. “I cannot retrieve it for you, but I can take you to where it is.” You promise, and the half - truth of it feels sour on your tongue. You could retrieve it, but it’d take much more time than you had after you were released from the Pit. 

He hums, seemingly content with the answer as he laps at you. His shadows join, dipping into your pussy and writhing there, fucking you softly but with ferocity. Your breaths are coming in shallow, frantic spurts as you focus on not coming on his face. 

You want his cock for that. 

A lick of your power lashes out, breaking his shadows away and freezing him in place with a leash of your own making. Magic bound, he straightens at your command and the sight of his surprise sets you giggling. 

“You’re eager.” You critique. Sitting up, you take his cock in your hands and admire it, loosening your magic on him when you feel him relax and sigh at your touch. “Much too eager.” You observe the thick rivulets of pre-come dripping from his tip. You dip down and take a taste of him, humming at the sense of it. The salty, needy taste of him. 

You wrap your hand around him and give him a long, slow pump and he shudders. His cock is magnificent. You can barely touch your fingers together around him with his thickness, and the knot at the base of him is hardly formed. Was he one of the fae able to change his cock at will? A ripple of excitement rolls though you at the possibility of it. You stroke him again, and another drop of precome wets his tip and you tap the tip of your finger with it, trailing it over his shaft and up his abdomen until you reach his lips. He takes it eagerly still, enjoying the taste of himself it seems. 

You bind his hands to his sides, and ghost your fingers over his cock. Barely touching him, just as his shadows had teased you. He spits venom, cursing you with each delicate touch. You stroke him hard and through occasionally, but watching him be so needy for the touch is such a turn-on.

Your nails trail from his balls and up his shaft, then you circle the tip of him gently with the pad of your finger, swirling his lubrication there. He’s watching you the entire time, his brows pulled together and his lips a deep shade of red that matches the tip of his cock.

“I am glad that you were the one who’s summoned me.” You hum, getting up and going behind him. Even with him on his knees, he still reaches the height of your breast. He’s huge and lithe in his build, even his wings are a powerful kind. You touch them gently, humming when he hisses curses under his breath. 

That gets your attention.

“Sensitive. Illyrian wings are different than the wings of other winged species, aren’t they?” You question, raking your nails over the arches of them. He cries out, lurching forward but your magic catches him, hauling him back up and in place before he can fold onto the step. 

You kneel behind him, and wrap an arm around to take his cock into your hand again. He shudders and thrusts forward, into your grip. He’s needy and desperate and with you touching his wings he’s going to cum embarrassingly quickly. He hates how much he’s loving this, how the control you have over him is making him so fucking desperate. 

He fucks into your hand, his precome wetting him enough that it heightens the experience further. Your hand is wet and hot and not nearly as good as your mouth had been but it’s better than the teasing touches you’d been giving him earlier, and he’s grateful. His need is rising and his muscles are working, his balls going tight with the need of release. 

Then, you pull away. Your hand is gone and he’s left fucking the air like an animal, and he’s shuddering. “You fucking- bitch..” He grinds out, his abdomen flexing with how close he’d been. His balls tighten and relax, his cock twitching and slapping against his stomach. 

You stand and go back to be in front of him, watching him twitch and writhe uncomfortably. His cock is surging and desperately seeking more stimulation, The angry redness of the tip a delicious strawberry color that makes you salivate. 

You go back to tracing over him, and you can feel his power, his every fiber struggling against your magic. He’s close, so on the edge that you’re sure he’ll break with only a few more strokes. Good. You want him to. You want him to remember the only female who’d bested him at his own desires. You want him to fuck you endlessly, if that is the only time you have on this planet.

His balls are tight and heavy, and when you trace a finger along his ridge he shudders, leaning forward again. You allow it this time, catching his lips with yours and letting your tongue flick over his own. He groans into your mouth and snaps his hips forward when you make a loose fist over his cock. 

His needy cries echo across the temple like a song. 

You tighten your hand, allowing him to fuck into it for a few more strokes before pulling away again. But it’s too late. You pull back and watch as he thrusts into the air, his cock pulsing with his orgasm. He’s snarling and cursing as the pleasure takes him in a violent way. You watch in supreme pleasure as he gets what he finally wants. His cum shoots out and lands on your legs, your belly. The stone floor and steps. His spend is hot and dribbles from his tip when you release his bindings. 

He wavers, and his shadows return slowly. His muscles flex as he leans forward, clearly exhausted with the experience. 

His hands shake when he leans over you, catching your chin in his hand. “You are a horrible little thing.” He curses, then forces his tongue into your mouth.

He forces you back, so you’re arched against the steps, and the fingers of his other hand go between your folds, slickening them before plunging in. The most exquisite burn fills you, and is then eased by his curling fingers. He draws out your wetness, coating your clit with it and rubbing firm circles for a moment before pushing deep back inside of you. 

He uses his entire forearm and wrist while he does it, truly fucking you with his hand. His fingers are thick and they do satiate a part of your own need, but it’s nothing compared to what his cock would be. 

But this part of the game is up to him. You’d had your fun, and now it was his turn. 

His tongue is aggressive in your mouth, fighting your own and showing you exactly what he’d been doing against your pussy before. He pulls away, leaving drool on your chin. His shadows go to your wrists, and you allow them to lock you in place, legs spread wide and wrists bound to the floor. 

This is his turn. If you want him to stay true to his bargain not just for bargaining sake, you’ll let him have his turn. You could use him, sure, - force him in place and take him as you wanted - but where was the fun in that? 

“Azriel-” You pant, and he takes your throat in a hand. Not hard, not dangerous, but certainly a silent command. 

He’s working you deep and swiping against your g-spot with every stroke, and if he doesn’t stop you’re not sure if you’ll be able to either. 

“Making me cum without even letting me really touch you first?” He scolds, punctuating it with his thumb stroking over your clit. Your yes clamp shut, your thighs desperately trying to do the same but his shadows - as weak as they are - won’t allow you to. You moan, the pressure of his hand against your throat a devious thing. 

Your body is betraying you, reaching your high peaks so quickly while he rubs your clit. Your walls squeeze him, wanting more. Needing more than just two fingers. But his thumb is relentless and consistent, you try to fight the building orgasm but it only makes your g-spot more sensitive. 

“Azriel please-” You whine, panting and squirming as much as you can under him. His hand leaves your throat and instead goes to the back of your head, knotting in your hair there. He forces you to watch his hands word, how spread you are for him, the way your wetness shines against this dark skin. He’s humming something in your ear but you can barely hear it over the mounting pleasure, the cascade of twitching need that writhes inside you, begging to be released. A dam too overflowed, your control slips, and slips.

 You push against the heat, the pressure of the orgasm but again, he brushes into that spot inside you and your clit again, and you’re shaking - coming apart in his grasp. Wetness coats him, your own juices flowing out of you in an intense way, splattering against the floor and coating his arm. The wet sounds of his fingers still working you echo against the high ceilings and stone walls. 

You’re shaking, shuddering and breathing hard when he gently removes his fingers then laps at them. 

The sight nearly sends you into another orgasm. 

“Safe to say you’ll be summoned often, little demon.” He says, offering you a finger wet with your own juices. 

You take it greedily, sucking on his finger the same way you wanted to suck his cock.

“Next time I expect you to last longer.” You critique, earning a laugh from him. 

“If I make that promise now, does that mean we get to fuck again and seal that bond?”

[cbrownjc]

My Long IWTV Season 2 Prediction Post:

So this is a long post containing all my (more or less) final predictions for Season 2 of IWTV. Mostly so I can keep track of everything I've been predicting since Season 1 ended.

I'm breaking this all up between General Predictions and some specific Episode Predictions. And I'll put it all under a spoiler cut due to the length and just in case any of this is correct, which would mean massive spoilers. Because yes, many of these predictions are based on things found in many of the books in the VC, not just IWTV; as well as recent trailers and other press material.

General Predictions:

Louis will attempt to end his life like he did in the book Merrick by the end of the season, likely in EP08: This is something that I've been predicting since EP05 of Season 1 first aired. I think it is pretty much my oldest prediction wrt the show, and one I've never wavered from. Now it's time to see if this prediction is right or not.

Lestat is asleep in a coma somewhere in the Al Shafar Tower, and is the source of The Groan: I first made this prediction back before EP07 of S01 aired. I wasn't too confident about it being proven during Season 1, but I think now is the time. Maybe Lestat's in the penthouse. Maybe he's in the basement. Maybe he is on some floor in between, I don't know. But something like The Groan wasn't spoken about as just some throw-away line. There is a reason it was pointed out. And I think that is because Lestat is the source for the sound and makes it sometimes while he is in his post-Memnoch coma state. And what is going to finally wake him up will be Louis doing what I predicted above in my first prediction.

Armand and Daniel's relationship (ie their past romantic relationship) will be revealed in EP08: I've been predicting this more times than I can count during the hiatus. Simply because, as far as general/causal audiences go, revealing it in the finale always just seemed like the most impactful place to reveal it.

The missing pages of Claudia's diaries will reveal the information about her that we learned in the book Merrick, particularly regarding her feelings toward Louis: Via the link above I made a long meta post about that. I'll say more about it below, but in general, why Louis is going to do what he does by the end of EP08 will be because of what he reads/learns from Claudia's missing diary pages, just like as what happened with book!Louis in Merrick.

Louis will begin to awaken his Fire Gift abilities during the season: There is a quick shot in one of the preview trailers of what looks to be Louis setting one of his photographs on fire, but not with a match or candle or anything, but just by staring at it. I think when Louis first discovers he has the ability to light things on fire like that, he'll not be overly excited about it or anything, and only reluctantly test it out sometimes . . . until he unleashes it in full in the season finale against the theater coven.

--------

Episode Predictions (Spoilers):

Episode One (many people have already seen this episode at the premiere, but there is one thing I was already predicting about it before then that I want to say again):

-- Louis and Claudia will not arrive in Paris until either the end of the episode or the beginning of Episode Two.

-- This episode will be a set up to explain how revenants are created. That they are made if you try to turn a human but don't give them enough blood; OR if you don't scatter the ashes of a vampire that has been reduced to one. This will be done to set up both why Claudia's ashes had to be scattered AND the risks being made to bring Louis back either at the end of Season 2 or the beginning of Season 3.

---

Episode Two:

-- Not much to say really that most don't already know/suspect. Louis and Claudia arrive in Paris, and Armand and Louis first meet. Louis and Claudia meet the whole theater coven.

---

Episode Three:

-- Again, not much to say. Armand's full backstory will be told. This is also the main episode where we'll see Nicki and what his fate was. We will probably also get confirmation from Armand that the backstory that Lestat told Louis and Claudia about Magnus and how Lestat said he was turned was true.

credit: gif by @sheisraging

---

Episode Four:

-- Louis and Armand have sex for the first time (with Dreamstat in Louis' head giving commentary 🤪).

credit: gif by @sheisraging

-- The "banquet" scene, where Armand puts the coven members to sleep and Louis and Santiago have a confrontation (Louis looking like he's going to cut Santiago's tongue out.)

-- We will see the rift between Claudia and Louis continue to grow, as well as Claudia's distrust/dislike of Armand.

credit: gif by @sophsun1

---

Episode Five:

-- "Lestat, Lestat, Lestat, Lestat, Lestat, Lestat, Lestat, Lestat." 😂

credit: gif by @loo-nuh-tik

Yeah. We'll see this moment above in Episode 5. And Louis and Armand will basically deliver all their break-up dialogue from the end of the first book HERE, in Louis' shitty apartment in San Francisco; after Louis has attacked and almost killed Daniel.

This means that yes, Louis will confirm to Armand that he knows what Armand did to Claudia here. (With only heavy illusions made about what her ultimate fate has been.) And then Armand will give his "I thought you'd get over it" monologue.

And while Louis and Armand won't fully go their separate ways as they did in the book after all of this (because Armand will still feel he needs to look after Louis), we will very much understand that these two are not a happy couple at this point in time, and are full-on toxic in their own unique way.

credit: gif by @loo-nuh-tik

-- Along with the FULL 1973 interview, The Chase between Armand and Daniel will be shown almost in full. We'll see a lot of things about The Chase, but we will probably not see fully when, or how, it ended.

---

Episode Six:

-- "I betrayed Louis once in my life and it wasn't in San Francisco." Armand says this to Daniel in Dubai in this episode.

-- Madeleine gets turned in this episode.

-- Louis says goodbye/breaks up with Armand.

credit: gif by @hermit-frog

-- "The Last Supper."

credit: gif by @nalyra-dreaming

-- The episode will end with Louis, Claudia, and Madeleine all being taken by the Theater coven to be put on trial. Armand gives Louis a "Judas kiss" and leaves the three alone at the dinner table right before they are taken.

credit: gif by @ofinkandust

---

Episode Seven:

-- Okay so, back when the Jones Cut trailer first aired, I said that this moment was Rockstar Lestat:

credit: gif by @virginiaisforvampires

Well, I was wrong about that. Why? Well take a look at this:

credit: gif by @sheisraging

Do you see it? Behind Santiago, in the upper left. That is the same key prop on the railing as in the shot with Lestat on the right on the railing. If you squint, you can also kind of make out the musical notes on the railing to the left of the Lestat image on the railing on the right in the Santiago one.

The shot of Lestat isn't Rockstar Lestat, as I first thought it was. It is the real Lestat's first entrance into Season 2. And it's going to be at the trial, in Episode Seven.

-- And because Lestat is making his first entrance in the way I talked about above? This is 100% from Armand's POV with some of Louis' misremembered POV with it. Because Lestat was not in any condition to make THIS kind of entrance on his own.

-- The revisit of Mardi Gras Murder Night from EP07 of Season 1 will happen here, during the trial. And it will be revealed that Claudia alone slit Lestat's throat while Louis stood by passively, while Lestat begged Louis to put him in his coffin. (Matching up to what Claudia wrote, in Lestat's blood, what his last words were.) Giving the full context to this moment we only saw in a flash in EP07 of Season 1:

Which will then lead into . . .

-- The revisit of the Louis-Lestat fight from EP05 of Season 1 will be shown in this episode as well. (And will give viewers, particularly non-book readers, their first hints of Amel.) And because of what happened in that fight, specifically why that fight started in the first place, will tie into . . .

-- Claudia's diaries, which will be read at the trial. Out loud. By Santiago. And more specifically the missing pages, which we see Louis and Armand talk about in this preview, will contain some damning evidence that will all lead to . . .

credit: gif by @mundaneandmagicalcreature

-- Claudia will reveal right there, on stage, to Louis himself, how much she hates him and blames him more for her situation than she does Lestat. Because "It's never been about me." Lestat made her for Louis. If Louis hadn't wanted her, she would never have been turned.

-- This episode will end with Claudia's death. Louis will be rescued from his coffin prison by Armand, and the episode will end with Louis breaking down over her loss -- both in the past and in the present in Dubai now that he remembers everything about Claudia's true feelings towards him right before she died.

---

Episode Eight:

-- Louis goes all Carrie/Firestarter on the Theater coven (after warning Armand to stay away first), unleashing his full Fire Gift powers on them all.

credit: gif by @sam-reid

-- Louis grieving in the park -- the same park where he first met Armand -- in the rain after destroying the theater coven, comforted by Dreamstat. And then Armand arrives . . . because Armand is whom Louis was actually waiting for. Why? Because, as Louis said about it in the book --

Where to go then, if not to die? It was strange how the answer came to me.

credit: gif by @hermit-frog

-- Louis and Armand (and Dreamstat) go to the "Louver" for that moment from the book; which in the show has been replaced with someplace else since, post WWII, the Louver was apparently still closed at that time. It will be revealed that Louis knows of Armand's hand in Claudia's fate, shown via Dreamstat's reaction to everything Armand says about what happened.

-- And this will all now tie everything together into what will be alluded to about Claudia -- and Louis knowing Armand had a hand in it whatever it was -- in Episode 5 . . . and this now reveals why Louis and Armand's relationship has not been a happy one at all over the years, as we will see in Episode 5. And this will all be summed up by Louis probably saying this from the book directly to Armand:

"Yes, that is the crowning evil, that we can even go so far as to love each other, you and I. And who else would show us a particle of love, a particle of compassion or mercy? Who else, knowing us as we know each other, could do anything but destroy us? Yet we can love each other."

-- And the "Louver" scene will be the last scene we see Dreamstat in, as it will be here that Armand will tell Louis that Lestat died in the destruction of the theater. And Louis will believe him.

-- Armand, in the present in Dubai, will reveal the head thing he did to Claudia before she died.

-- Armand will reveal how he threw Lestat off Magnus' tower, even after Lestat was badly burned by Louis setting fire to the theater (but survived).

-- we will find out WHY Louis stopped feeding on humans in the year 2000. And it's probably not something anyone expects.

-- At some point in here it will be revealed that Lestat and Louis do reunite after Paris -- for real -- for a time, in the recent past. As seen by this hug:

credit: gif by @nalyra-dreaming

However, something happened that made Lestat unavailable/incapacitated again (some Memnoch-type event is my guess.) So Lestat is now in a coma and Louis, rather than be alone, chooses to stay with Armand for the same reason he did after losing Claudia in Paris.

-- In Dubai, Louis will try to end his life via sunlight exposure, as he did in the book Merrick (as I noted above). Because, along with finally remembering the truth about how Claudia really felt about him, Louis will also be under the impression that Lestat will never wake from his coma again.

-- The bookcase collapsing around Daniel is a consequence of Lestat waking up from his coma after he stops hearing Louis' heart beating. (I.E. a visual representation of Lestat "shattering the realm" as it is apparently explained in the book Prince Lestat about this moment when he woke up in Merrick.)

-- Armand saves Daniel from getting crushed by the bookcase, which will also come tumbling down after the books and glass do.

-- Somewhere in all of that, Daniel will have a flashback that reveals he and Armand were actually lovers in the past. Daniel will be stunned by the memory. Armand will just be surprised that Daniel finally remembered it.

-- Armand and Daniel won't have time to talk about it though because Armand fears/will realize that Louis has done something that caused the commotion to happen (and likely because he also notices The Groan has stopped).

-- Armand and Daniel find Louis' body, burnt to coal ash. Lestat is either already there with Louis' body or arrives very soon after they do.

-- Whether we see Lestat revive Louis (as he was revived in Merrick) at the end of the episode (with Armand's help) or if we are left on a cliffhanger about it? IDK.

--------

The predictions above are all the ones I feel most confident about right now. There are some others I have, but I'm not very confident about them, so I'm not listing them. I might mention them in individual posts after certain episodes air or not.

[silverhairsimp]

I Can't Sleep Without You

Pairing: Bokuto x fem!Reader

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT ENTER. PWP. Oral (f!receiving), fingering, penetrative sex, consensual recording. Bokuto is the consent king. Doesn't matter how long you've been together.

a/n: I had this idea in the middle of the night and woke up to draft half of it. finally finished it so here you goooo :) enjoy! not proof read. also. two posts in one day? who tf am I?

reblogs are always appreciated <3

Trying to balance dating a professional volleyball player with a full career of your own has always been a challenge. No matter how badly you wanted to be there at every single game, every international trip, it just wasn’t realistic. 

You and Koutarou had been together since your third year of high school. You survived college together (despite the long distance), and after living together since he went pro, it was nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep whenever he was away for games. 

And this time was no different. He had been gone for a 10 day trip overseas for one of the biggest tournaments of the year. Between your work schedule, his practice schedule, and the time difference… phone calls were scarce, texts were short lived and it was really starting to get to you. Sleeping in your giant bed without him was hard enough! The last thing you needed was for your schedules to be the farthest thing from compatible.

As the days went on, it got harder and harder. The side of his bed was so cold without his warm body next to you and it was beginning to be too much. Logically there was only one solution: get all the pillows in the house, your favorite sweatshirt of his, his cologne and cuddle up in bed to make due. And until he got back, this is how you slept. 

You had practically built a barricade in the bed, pillows surrounding you in every direction and corner. He wasn’t supposed to be back for another two days, but by some miracle he had gotten home early. Unbeknownst to you though… it was the middle of the night by the time he got back and what a surprise it was to see upon his arrival. Or at least it would have if you were awake to greet him.

You were snuggled up under the covers, leg hiked up over one pillow with your arms clinging to another for dear life. You’ve got his sweatshirt on and he can smell the fresh scent of his cologne from the door to your bedroom. It wasn’t enough for you to just spray it on the sweatshirt though, you had to put a few drops of it into the diffuser so the whole room would smell like him. 

You must be so tired because you hadn’t even moved a muscle since he walked in. Quickly and quietly, he sets his bags down and changes into his comfy clothes to get some sleep with you finally in his arms again. Only when he goes to crawl into bed, there’s almost no room! “Baby girl… you trying to replace me or something?” He asks as he brushes your hair out of your eyes and smoothes it behind your ear, followed by a tender kiss to your forehead. “There she is,” he smiles warmly at you when you finally start to open your eyes. “Kou? You’re home already?” You sit up and rub the sleep out of your eyes with the heel of your hand. He sits on the edge of the bed and nods his head, “One of the teams dropped out last minute so our games got cut back, we had already played each team twice… no sense in playing them a third, or at least that what coach thought–” he’s babbling and you smile at him, reaching out your arms finally happy and complete now that you’ve got your boyfriend back with you. “Sooo,” he draws out, “wanna tell me what’s going on with all the pillows? And why I can smell my cologne in the diffuser?” He asks with a soft chuckle and a bright smile. He’s not mad at all, not in the slightest. “Just missed you is all… had a hard time sleeping without you.” It’s actually really endearing you’d gone to such lengths to keep yourself comfortable while he was gone. And to be fair, he was no better. He slept with that polaroid of the two of you under his pillow, the one from after his first win as part of the MSBY Black Jackals. He had scored the winning spike and was so excited that he ran straight to you before the refs had even called the game. It’s such a fond memory of his and it's honestly what keeps him going. You are what keeps him going. “Well, I’m here now, so… can I have my spot back, or am I still being substituted by a bunch of pillows?” He laughs as you throw the pillows off the bed, not caring if they fall to the ground or land against the wall. The only thing that matters is that you have him back. And that’s very clear once you throw your arms around his neck and climb into his lap. His hands settle on your hips as he finally gets to hold you and kiss you again after far too long. 

“Missed you too– by the way–” He mumbles against your lips, in between kisses. All of a sudden, you aren’t so tired anymore, he can tell by the way you start to rock your hips in his lap and tug on the hairs at his nape. When he wore his hair down, it made grabbing and tugging at it so much easier, and if he’s being honest, it’s one of the reasons why he started doing it more often. 

He moves the two of you back against the headboard, sitting upright with you still in his lap. “You don’t still need this do you?” He tugs on the strings of his hoodie, “now that I’m back?” You shake your head and smile before telling him: “take it off”, and who is he to deny anything you could ever want. 

His lips find yours while his large, calloused hands travel up your hips to your waist, just wanting to feel you again before gathering the fabric and pushing it up and over your head. “There she is… my beautiful girl…” He places open mouthed kisses up your bare chest, between the valley of your breasts before giving some much needed attention to your tits. He rolls his tumb over one nippple while his mouth swirls around the other, sucking on it before popping off and moving to the other side. 

“Missed your body– missed kissing you goodnight every night… missed fucking you to sleep on others…” He keeps mumbling between kisses while you grind against his lap. “Missed you too baby… tried to take care of myself, but it never feels as good as when you do it.” He snickers at that, “Poor baby, your fingers not long enough? Need me to take care’a you?” When you nod your head yes, he flips you on to your back, positioning himself right between your thighs. 

Your fingers claw at his shirt, wanting him to match, it was only fair that way. He lets you pull it off, lowering his head to get it out of the hole and pulling one arm out before tossing the shirt on the ground, left to be forgotten about until morning. “Bet you taste so good… can I, baby? Can I taste you?” When you nod your head yes and push his head down further he stops, “Uh uh, gotta hear you say it… you know that.” He places a few kisses right above your collarbone, sucking a mark into the skin there while he waits for your consent. “Please Kou, want you to. I need it– need you so bad– please touch me…” It was more than enough to satisfy him. Hearing your cute little plea’s just to get him to touch you after your time apart. 

“That’s a good girl– my good girl. Now, hips up for me–” He instructs as he hooks his fingers into the waistband of your panties and slides them down your legs. Grinning at the silvery strands that connect to the fabric as he pulls them away. “So wet already… were you thinking about me before I got back?” He asks as he tugs his boxers down his thighs, not wanting to worry about them later. “Always think about you when you’re gone–” you whisper as you arch off the bed, longing for his touch. “Yeah? Me too…” He lowers himself down onto the bed and kicks even more of the pillows off as he presses kisses to your inner thighs while he gets closer and closer to what he really wants– what he needs. “Spend so much time getting myself off to those naughty pictures you send… all the videos we’ve taken… Gettin’ me all worked up just thinking about them.” He licks a fat stripe through your folds and suckles on your clit, that smirk on his face growing wider as you twitch under his touch. “Why don’t we add to the collection, hm baby? Wanna take a video of how good I eat you out? Have something to remember me for the next time I’m away?” You nod your head and quickly scramble to find your phone. If it weren’t for the face id, you’d certainly be struggling to enter or even remember your password right now. That chime of the camera sounds and the flash turns on, reflecting in his honeyed eyes as he devours you. It's obscene. The way his chin and corners of his mouth are already covered in your slick. Or the way his eyes have never left the camera. Gods what did you do to deserve a man that takes such good care of you? 

That question lingers even longer when he kisses your thighs and spits right onto your pussy, only to bring two fingers to your cunt. “C’mon sweetheart, wanna hear you… don’t keep those cute noises all to yourself… wanna have this video too and watch it in the showers, or in my hotel room all alone and remember how good I made you feel.” When you start to get louder, he works even harder. Giving you his tongue and his fingers at the same time. He’s curling them inside of you so perfectly and hits that spot over and over again until you’re coming undone within minutes. “That’s it baby girl– ride it out– use me, please…” He begs you and hums against your cunt when you start to rock your hips against his face. You’re trying your best to hold the camera steady while your other hand reaches to fist his hair, tugging him even closer while another orgasm builds. “Kou– fuck… want your cock– please, need you after so long–” You beg and gods he can’t wait to replay this video over and over again, hearing you plead for him. “Anything for you– gimme the phone, sweetheart.” He removes his fingers, popping them in his mouth to wipe off the rest of your essence while he sits back on his haunches and takes the phone from you. 

“Be a good girl and get on all fours for me…” When you do what he asks, he gives your ass a little love smack and uses your phone to get a good view of your pussy. It's so slick with his saliva and he’s sure it’ll make it even easier to slip right in. 

Still, your boyfriend isn’t a small guy, so he spits right on the tip of his cock and pumps himself a few times. Of course making sure to record it for you later. 

He's got the phone pointed straight down as he watches his cock push past that tight ring of muscle through the screen. “F-fuck…” he mutters breathlessly, and you’re not far behind with curses of your own. “Hnngh, baby… go slow… been a while…” “I know love, you’re doing so good for me, aren’t you?” When all you do is nod your head he stills his hips, “Aren’t you?” He asks again in a more firm tone, “Yes– doing good for you, only for you, Kou… please.” 

Gods you really are such a good girl, his perfect baby. A few moments pass as he allows you to adjust, once you give him the okay, he draws back his hips and thrusts forward again. The sound of skin slapping skin echoes against the quiet walls of your shared bedroom and it’s music to his ears. Hearing that and hearing your cries of pleasure is all he could ever wish for. 

“Can already feel you clenching around me… gonna cum?” he asks as he continues to piston his cock into you, when you babble on a string of ‘yes’s and ‘please let me cum’ he tosses the phone on the bed and reaches around to rub tight circles around your clit. Working you up until that second release hits and you’re gushing round his cock, making a mess on the sheets below. 

“Fuck– squirting like that without a proper warning? Naughty girl…” He snickers as he picks up the pace even more, chasing that blissful high of his own. “Gonna cum, baby– gonna fill ya up nice and deep, yeah? Bet you missed this the most… missed my cum inside you, hm?” 

“Yes– fuck– yes, missed your cum– please, kou– need t’feel it, please!” You beg so pretty for him and he wouldn’t dream of not giving you what you wanted so with one final warning, he lets you know he’s cumming and shortly after he’s painting your walls white. 

He keeps thrusting, getting it as deep as he can until he’s given you everything he could hold before he collapses on top of you. Even with the video long forgotten about, the phone is still recording all the audio. He holds you close in his arms, pulling your leg over his hip with his cock still buried inside of you. “I love you, so much… you know that right?” 

You rest your hand on his chest and nod, “Yes, Kou. I know, and I love you too. Just as much.” 

He rubs soothing strokes along your backside and peppers your forehead with kisses until you’re closing your eyes and drifting off to sleep. He finds your phone as quietly as he can and flips the camera to face him, telling the camera one last time, ‘i love you’, before turning it off. 

Being away from you while he’s away for tournaments may suck, but getting to come home to you like this makes it all worthwhile.

[heylittleriotact]

Rook Questionnaire

inspired by @cassieuncaged's BG3 Character Development Questions but for Rook instead!

@emmg tagged me in this, so here you are - thanks for making me think about a lot of these because I hadn't considered them 😅

Answers under the cut due to length (teehee)

1: Where in the Thedas is your Rook from?

Nevarra, probably.

2: What is your character's alignment?

I entered Amina’s answers into an online quiz just for shits and giggles knowing full well that my Lawful Good girl would make Steve Rogers look like a knuckle-dragging thug with the moral fibre of a used car salesman.

3: Race and subclass?

Elf, Reaper

4: If your Rook was a companion, where would they be found?

Probably in a cemetery in a small town on the continent trying to put a wayward spirit to rest. Or at an extremely expensive boutique hotel in Orlais (she got a discount for offering to stay in the allegedly haunted room).

5: What emotion did they usually pick?

Positive/optimistic with the occasional purple choice. She reads the room and doesn’t act overly familiar with people she doesn’t know well.

6: What companion are you platonically close with?

She becomes quite close with Bellara. Amina admires her optimism and passion for life despite her own regrets and hang-ups. Her excited, keyed up energy compliments Amina’s manic border collie energy and somehow their energies sort of like… harmonize and cancel each other out. It’s really wholesome. Like you know how they sometimes assign dogs to cheetahs so they don’t get too stressed out and die? That’s basically the vibe with Amina and Bellara, except they both think they’re the dog and not the cheetah. 

7: Romantically close with?

She is romantically VERY close with Emmrich. In fact they get married and live happily ever after, and enjoy an adventurous sex life, and have exactly one (1) child.

8: Who are they suspicious of?

She tends to give the majority of people she encounters the benefit of the doubt, but is inherently wary of anyone who telegraphs any indication that they see spirits as lesser/tools/pests/evil because she fundamentally doesn’t understand why anyone would treat a spirit differently than a person.

She’s not sure what to make of people who treat their families poorly/disrespectfully. She understands that there are all sorts of dynamics out there, and not all family relationships are good, but she would give her left kidney to have a petty argument with her mother, or have her dad question her life choices. She’d much rather take the hardships that come with family than her reality where she has none.

9: Does your Rook get along with their chosen Faction?

For the most part. She’s extremely dedicated and passionate about her work, and she takes her oath to protect the living and the dead very seriously. She’s well-principled, disciplined, and is above corruption and political machinations. She’s very approachable, however, and has a knack for getting people to like her - even the ones that initially don’t. 

Obviously some people are of the mind that she’s an inflexible hard-ass, but she truly believes that rules exist for a reason and order is infinitely better than chaos. If someone chooses not to like her for that fact, she doesn’t take it personally: she let go of people-pleasing years ago. 

Varric always thought she and Aveline would have been fast friends.

10: Are they proficient in playing any instruments?

She taught herself to play the lute when she was 14 because she thought people would be more keen on being friends with her if she knew an instrument. It didn’t help much, but she can still play a little if she feels inclined.

11: Weapon of choice?

Sword n board baybeeee. 

12: What is their orientation?

Pansexual.

13: What are their thoughts on killing? Is it a necessary evil or do they enjoy it?

She doesn’t love it, and will actively exhaust every other option before entertaining it as a solution. If she’s decided she’s out of options and killing you is the only one left, better kiss your ass goodbye though, because if she’s decided the only solution ends with your death, you’re absolutely going to die very soon.

14: What hobbies does your Rook have?

Shopping. Fashion. Sewing - if she didn’t end up with the Mourn Watch she would have pursued becoming a clothing designer/tailor. If she ever did decide to permanently step back from the Watch I could see her opening a quaint, bespoke lingerie shop or something. 

15: What NPCs do they like? Which one's do they dislike?

She pretty much likes everybody until they give her a reason not to, and even then she doesn’t take it personally. The First Warden really wore on her because his willful ignorance was actively endangering other people, so she wasn’t keen on him for that, but she also knew he was just another poor bastard trying to do his job and yeah sure he’s an idiot, but he’s not a malicious idiot. 

16: Do they have a favorite creature in the Thedas?

Wisps hold a special place in her heart. She makes no secret of the fact that she wants a dog/mabari after she moves in with Emmrich, and when he says that the Necropolis apartments are no place for a pet, she reminds him every moment she gets a chance (in writing, via three separate students, and on one occasion in the form of a corpse who recited her wishes as a limerick) that he also owns a sprawling estate on the outskirts of the city with OODLES of room for a dog. Why, they could get a whole kennel of them and a dog would be such a lovely way to teach Manfred about caring for other creatures…

17: Do they enjoy life as an adventurer?

Yes and no. She’s grateful that she can be a force for good in the world, but the danger and uncertainty of it tends to wear on her especially after she and Emmrich get together. Life as a Watcher is dangerous enough as it is - what kind of crazy person actively seeks MORE of it when they have someone waiting for them at home? 

Emmrich actually forces Amina to stop for a minute and consider her mortality and her legacy. She thought she didn’t matter before. That her life would be a blip in time: inconsequential and certainly not worth mourning when she dies, but he seems devoted to showing her that’s not the case at all.

18: What would your Rook be doing if they weren't recruited by Varric?

The Thedosian equivalent of being a Ghostbuster lol. 

19: How do you think they'll meet their end?

Oh she will die old and comfortable in bed, with her family beside her and a smile on her lips as she announces that she’s off to be reunited with her sweetheart. It’s all happy endings here. 

20: Would they side with Solas or fight him?

After the ritual, she wanted to see Varric’s goal through: she wanted to finish what her friend started and make Solas see that he didn’t have to do what he was planning to do. When Solas’ spiritual origins were revealed, she felt further compelled to help him see reason: no longer was he just a man burdened by guilt and regret, but a spirit dealing with them, and it was her sacred duty to help spirits whenever and however she could. In this case, she saw her responsibility change from “stop a foolish man from ruining the world” to “aid a tormented spirit."

That said, after the truth of what happened at the ritual site became clear, she was livid. She felt hurt, tricked, and as though her own kindness and tendency to believe in the best of people had been used against her. Her own grief was used against her in a cruel trick. She questions if Solas can actually be reasoned with anymore, and has about hit that point I mentioned earlier where she starts to see death as the only remaining option. Emmrich is the one to talk her out of this, urging her to remember her oath as a Watcher and encouraging her to not give up hope. 

So Solas really has Emmrich to thank for happily ever after with his vhenan because Amina was 10000% done with his shit.

21: What is your Rook's favorite ability?

The thing with the big spectral scythe always feels extremely badass no matter how many times she does it.

22: What languages is your character fluent in?

Common, Nevarran, Orlesian, and Tevene. She knows conversational Antivan and next to no elven despite her ancestry. It’s important for Watchers to be fluent in many languages, as the dead tend to be quite chatty, and the spirits that reside in the Necropolis can’t all be assumed to speak Common. 

23: What do they do after an absolute crisis?

Keep finding things to do. If she sits still for too long it’ll all catch up with her at once and become overwhelming, but if she keeps finding people to help and helping them, she can put it off indefinitely. This has led to burnout in the past, and without someone like Emmrich around to basically force her to deal with things rather than burying them under work, it would happen again.

24: Does your character believe in the afterlife?

She thinks that anyone who says they have a definitive answer to that question is lying. There are so many things about magic, the Fade, spirits, and the soul that aren’t known or understood, but she has witnessed enough evidence that she feels confident in some sort of continuation of a person’s essence beyond the veil of death. What that ultimately looks like/entails is a mystery, but she finds comfort in not knowing every detail. It would be anticlimactic to set out on that next Big Adventure if everything was spelled out in advance. 

25: What specialization best represents your Rook?

She is the Reaper-est Reaper who ever Reaper-ed. She’s capable of keeping up with the insane physical demands of the work, but also possesses the compassion, empathy, and patience that make a good Watcher. She loves caring for the living and the dead, and approaches her work enthusiastically. Also, she’s just kind of… odd. A trait that many Mourn Watchers possess. 

26: What animal best represents your Rook?

Border collie. Needs purpose. Needs activities. Needs to be contributing in a meaningful way. Otherwise will get severely stressed out and die, probably. 

27: What was their life like before the events of Veilguard?

Amina was having a crisis of belonging before Veilguard. She’s questioning her purpose and place in the world after being soft-exiled from the Necropolis and is just kind of drifting from place to place and doing the only thing that she knows, which is Watcher work, but the people she’s helping aren’t exactly tripping over themselves to thank her for any assistance she renders because of the inaccurate assumptions most make about the mortalitasi. 

She’s not in a great place. She’s struggled to feel like she belongs anywhere her entire life because of her start as a foundling, and by the time she meets Varric she’s largely of the mind that she’s a burden that people simply tolerate out of politeness and moral virtue. But Varric… he really seems to like her. Care about her even. The more time she spends with him, the more she starts to think that she’s not just a receptacle for pity and charity, and that maybe she actually deserves to connect with people. 

28: Is your character the de facto leader of the party? Or do they consider someone else to be the leader?

Amina has zero qualms with taking charge of a group of people and telling them what to do… especially if it keeps them alive in a dangerous situation. 

29: If you could choose a different faction for your Rook, which one would they have joined and why?

I think her sense of honour and duty would have made her an excellent Grey Warden. She’s got too much of a conscience to be in the Lords of Fortune or Antivan Crows.

30: What's your favorite thing about your Rook?

She has this quiet, understated strength about her that could easily be mistaken for shyness or passivity, but she’s actually just so humble and kind and good that she tries to make herself as approachable as she can, even with her scarred face, somewhat crooked fingers, and the tip of one of her ears missing. She wants to be someone that people can trust during their darkest times, and if given the chance will unequivocally prove herself to be that person. She is literally a knight in shining armor with a pure heart and so, so, so much love to give. 

[buckgettingstruck]

You dont have to respond if you think its going to make it worse but genuinely Im so so sorry if any of my asks about the characters conversing about things brought the dooming on/made it worse 😭 tbh I also do not know why people are dooming outside of exasperation over brad/copaganda seemingly being prioritized over eddie/chris (which I do not even think is the case just. Angela did not even film anything new for episode 6 she was due for a big plot even though it was horribly done) anyway love u hope you have a great day/weekend <3

oh no its not your fault!! i like being able to discuss with you guys trust i just didnt expect people to be this unnerved by the episode

i dont consider the eddiechris stuff dooming but read more under the cut for my alli analysis i guess:

ok so like. me and my friends put together a rough filming timeline where it seems like masks was supposed to be episode 6 and confessions episode 5. (shoutout to beloved anna @lover-of-mine for finding the info) like it was supposed to be buck getting over his breakup. and if you think about it it wouldve made sense because hes talking about this guy who died and got abandoned and empathizing with him and realizing he still had his posse or whatever. it makes sense. and with that as well eddie wouldve been finding joy instead of being exasperated.

anyway i also just think they wanted buck and eddie to be moving at relatively the same time (call me buddiebrained i guess) so when other things got shuffled their storylines did as well. including chris. and buck had to be moving on in episode 7 instead. and i dont know if they expected to have a break week too? usually they have at least 9 episodes in the first half of the season. that makes reworking stuff trickier.

i still think eddie has some growth left to do before chris comes home (though i wouldnt mind chris just being home anyway through his character arc) so im just trying to ride it out instead of getting mad. i dont like the length of time its taking and honestly i dont think tim does either so im honestly just hoping for a good payoff for eddie as a character (and chris and buck as well of course)

also again i said this but i feel its extremely loud that eddie and buck havent talked about chris being gone. i dont know what its leading to but i think its something thatll be addressed. people just need to wait and let the story unfold as it comes

[kirby-souljourney-au]

It Eterna :)

(I can’t think of anything funny to put here)

I finished this yesterday, but I was too tired to post it, so here she is now!

She gets a bonus ref image here, specifically for her hair length, since it’s mostly hidden behind her wings.

Info & hex codes under the cut!

(ArtShield desaturates images put through it — for here exact proper colours, reference her hex code list)

Full name: Popopo Y’taga

Aliases: Soullite Knight, The Eterna Hero

Species: Soul-Heart-Matter Astral — Deceased, Reaped Spirit

Planet of Origination: Yavtral

Age: 3,663,002 (at time of death) — 17,884,726 (spirit)

Height: 8’3”

Gender: Biologically both sexes; identifies as female

Pronouns: She/Her/Hers

Sexuality: Aromantic, demisexual, pansexual

S/O: None

Family: Technically related to Ykenik, but is unaware of this; considers The Great One to be her parent

The Warrior of Soul from her generation, and the most powerful of the group due to her Copy Magic. Defeated the Ykka of Absolute Destruction, Yzar, after its first resurrection.

Very close with the Monarchs of her home kingdom, to the point she considered them family. Had been in a relationship with the Princess at one point, but fell out of love quickly — the two remained friends until Popopo’s death.

Currently assists Yacho’o in work regarding the upkeep of Otherside.

Passed away as a result of heavy internal and external recoil damage after ascending to Divinity. Was reaped by Ophanim, and remains friends with her to this day.

One of the gentlest and kindest souls in Otherside. She treats everyone she meets with high levels of respect, and because of this (as well as the rest of her personality), she’s considered by Otherside’s locals as a Guardian Angel for Spirits.

Lived on the planet of Yavtral in the Serga System for most of her life in a small Northern country. She’s lived elsewhere, but when asked, she always says she considered Yavtral her home. Her caretaker was close to the at-the-time Monarchs of the kingdom, and they (along with her) were considered nobles, and she was given special training regarding her Astral magic.

Her weapon of choice is a sentient enchanted sword known as Seraphim, or the Godblade. She also utilised her Copy Abilities alongside the sword very frequently, usually choosing to use Fire or Spark.

Hex codes

Body:

#F8E7FA — Fur base

#573462 — Fur fade

#FFBED5 — Inner ears

#CBB3E4 — Horns

#FFFFFF — Claws

#FFE6F5 — Eye whites

#FFCF92 — Scars 1

#FA86CC — Iris / Scars 2

#FEB7A5 — Blood / Blush

Clothes:

#938BB3 — Robe 1

#CAC4E6 — Robe 2

#E4E7FF — Loincloth 1 / Torn skirt

#CDA8FF — Loincloth 2

Accessories:

#BFC9D2 — Head accessory chains

#FA86CC — Head accessory charms 1 / Halo 2 / Warp Star 2 /

#FFCF92 — Head accessory charms 2 / Halo 1 / Warp Star 1 (effect using same colour with Glimmer brush, copy Warp Star gradient and clip to Glimmer, set clipped layer blend mode to Colour, merge with Glimmer layer, clip effect to Warp Star, set layer blend mode to Soft Light)

Wings:

#120C1A — Covert feathers 1 (front & back)

#2B1C3D — Covert feathers 2 (back)

#3A2559 — Covert feathers 3 (front)

#503674 — Flight feathers (back) (effects using same colour and Glimmer brush & Nebula brush)

#A886E2 — Flight feathers (front)

[watching-sam-and-dean-again]

Why This Doesn’t Mean Destiel: Part 2 - Dean Wrapping up Castiel's Corpse

Part 1 - Zepline Traxx - here

Okay, so I saw this take floating around Twitter and Tumblr again in the last week or so: if Destiel isn’t canon then why did they have Dean wrap up Castiel's body in 13x01? This obviously means they’re married became because this is a ritual for widows in …. You get it. Well, allow me to offer my rebuttals to this totally unbiased idea. Now, I know hellers will never listen or care because they have their heads buried too far in the Destiel quicksand to ever see the light, but honestly, I just like to argue against takes that show a lack of media literacy, or takes that deliberately ignore the rest if the text, especially when it’s easy to do.

Arguments and screen shots under the cut due to length.

First: Let’s go with the Wincest reasons, just for funsies, and because I know it would piss hellers off. Dean can’t be married to Cass because, in Season 8, he already married Sam in a hand-fasting ritual. In a church. In front of a witness (Crowley). And despite some rough times in Seasons 9 abd 10, they never did get a divorce.

And:

So, if we need to put romantic significance on a moment like Dean wrapping Cass' body up for burning, then we also need to put romantic significance on Sam and Dean exchanging promises of devotion in a church (wedding), especially when the later is a very popular Western tradition and Suoernatural does, in fact, take place in the Western world. "But they’re brothers!" I might hear you cry is disdain. Well, Sam and Dean are weird, so there is that. But, it’s true, they are brothers, so they aren’t technically married in a romantic sense. But, neither are Cass and Dean. Dean considers Cass like a brother, too (which he has said more than once). He has also never referred to Cass and himself like a couple, even in passing or as a joke. In fact, he’s taken exception to the very suggestion (10x05). Thus, it’s not a romantic gesture on his part, but a familial gesture, a brothers in arms gesture.

Second: if Dean wrapping Castiel’s body can only be read as romantic in nature then how do we explain all of these moments:

1) Is it Sam or Dean who are in love with their dad? Or did they prepare John for burning together? Or did they get someone else to wrap him up before they burned him, so as to avoid the primarily spousal burial ritual from another culture that would have implied incest?

2) I guess nodoby could have had any romantic feelings for Ellen or Jo because, seeing as they got blown up, and didn’t have bodies to lovingly prepare before the ritual hunters cremation. Sucks to be them, I guess.

3) I guess Dean had to be in love with Charlie, even though that idea is not allowed because she’s a lesbian, since someone had to prepare Charlie’s body. Or was it Sam? It certainly looks like both of them where dealing with her body. No wait! Maybe Castiel did it, because he’s an angel so it doesn’t count. But, then it does count, but only if Dean is doing it for him... ?

4) What about Asa Fox and the other hunters who died in 12x06? Who was in love with them?!! Asa's body was wrapped up before Jody got to the wake, and she was the closest to being in a romantic relationship with him.

5) Oh no, who's in love with Mary? Which of her deviant sons prepped her before cremation? Or did Castiel do it? But, again, that would mean he’s in love with her. If only preparing somoncy's body before cremation didn’t only mean a character was in love with them. But, it does, I guess … So many plot-holes about who prepares the bodies in this show. If only there were an easier explanation. Also, it doesn’t look like Dean is feeling too romantic towards Castiel at this hunter's funeral, and this came after his preparing Cass to be burned.

6) Finally, who prepared Dean's body? Surly, it couldn’t have been Sam, even though he were the only one present when Dean died and he was the person who loved him most, because that would mean … Wincest. Gasp! Once again, if Destiel is canon because of one particular detail, so is Wincest (only Wincest has more "proof"). It certainly looks like Dean was wrapped with a lot of care, but who could have done it since no one on earth was in love with him at the time?

I guess for the preparation for cremation argument to be valid, it only counts if we see the preparation on screen? Because that is the only time it matters. So, Castiel's death and preparation for burial mattered more than John's, or Dean's? That seems really unlikely.

Finally: Let’s take a look at the scene in context.

Dean is upset, no one is arguing against that, but he’s not only upset about Castiel (despite what certain fans like to claim). Castiel, however, is the only corpse available to prepare and burn. Sam is off supporting a new-born Jack while he pays his respects to his mother's body, something Dean certainly wasn’t going to get involved in when he hates Jack at this point. So, while Sam is supporting his new angel (a clueless child in the new world) because someone has to, Dean is saying a last private goodbye to his angel, a fallen ally. There is a clear parallel here, as well as a sunrise-sunset thing going on here, and unless Jack is in love with his mother, it’s more about saying goodbye to family than to a lover. Also, this is Dean, he needs to take action rather than sit around and watch, especially when he’s upset, so him wrapping up Cass makes sense, but it’s in no way is inherently romantic.

But, those arguing that the scene set up in this way just to show Dean is in love with Cass, or that he loves him more than anyone, ask yourselves what Dean would do if it was Sam who died. Would he be sharing preparation duties with Castiel? But, then, we don’t have to wonder. The answer is No. He didn’t even want Bobby around when Sam died. When Sam died, Dean was so distraught that he couldn’t even prepare Sam's body, but sat with his corpse, mourning him for days (2x22). Then when the guilt and grief got too much, he went and sold his soul to bring his baby brother back. He didn’t even do the same for either of his parents, Castiel, Bobby or anyone else. Or, Dean literally Romeo-Ed himself on the spot when he thought Sam died in Season 11, and it doesn’t get a lot more "romantic coded" than Romeo and Juliet. So, even if someone had to read the scene with Dean wrapping Castiel as romantic (you really really don’t), it still wouldn’t mean destiel is canon because there always has and always will only be one great love is Dean's life. And it’s not Cass. With Sam and Dean (canon Gencest or fanon Wincest), there is no room for anyone else.

[doueverwonder]

Now that the anthology is out I present my piece for it. I put the first part under the cut but the rest is on ao3 because of length. Despite this technically supposed to be about Germany I think the parts I'm most proud of are Liechtenstein's <3

warnings: none

ao3 link here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1832; Vienna

The day was unusually warm, especially for October. The children were playing just outside the gate, chasing each other around with seemingly no more purpose than a dog chasing its tail. The parents sat inside the gate, talking, only turning their heads when there was a particularly loud yelp from one of the children. Gilbert and Ludwig had arrived in Vienna a few days prior, but the trip had not been an easy one, so only three days later were they having their first full day together. 

“How are things in Frankfurt?” Roderich had shed his usual overcoat, due to both the heat, and the close company not requiring normal formalities. 

Gilbert laughed, “Maybe if you went to Frankfurt you would know” 

“Why would I go to Frankfurt when you can do it for me?” 

“Because I don’t go to Frankfurt either. Berlin or Königsberg” 

Erzsébet rolled her eyes, she had listened to them bicker for hundreds of years. It was a normal routine, not one she enjoyed the more it happened. There had been a few years of peace, not having to listen to them. But since the split custody of Ludwig had started, they had been seeing more and more of Gilbert. 

“How about we don’t talk about politics for once?” she suggested to both men. Her eyesight wandered away for a moment just to see Liesl finally catch her younger cousin, both children toppling to the ground. She laughed lightly, watching as they both got up and ran off farther as if nothing had happened. 

“We’re not talking politics” both men remained absolutely oblivious to the scene that had made Erzsébet laugh. “We’re discussing the good of the confederation” 

“Exactly!” Gilbert raised his nose in indignation, “And even if what would you rather we talk about? Housework?” Erzsébet hummed, “We could talk about why you’re here instead of returning to Berlin” 

“Why?” Gilbert changed his tone, “Want me out so you and your husband can be alone?” 

Roderich rolled his eyes, “We’re not married, I remind you, Gilbert” 

“You act it,” he shrugged, “And that’s close enough. House in the countryside, two kids, enough money from the government to live comfortably. I’d say you two could play family for at least the next century” 

Erzsébet’s eyes darted to the field, making sure Liesl and Ludwig weren’t close enough to hear. She sat up a little straighter out of habit, “We only have a daughter. Gilbert.” 

The whole group shifted uncomfortable with the topic being brought up. Ludwig’s split custody by all means should have never happened. 

Gilbert held the newborn in his arms. It felt odd, he hadn’t held a baby since Liesl was born almost a century earlier. Erzsébet had followed him to the door, repeating everything she had already told him ten times; she was worried he didn’t know how to take care of a baby. Truthfully he didn’t. He had to remind himself this hadn’t been his idea; Roderich and Erzsébet had come to him. 

The baby cried with every bump in the road. It made Gilbert less sure of himself every time it took him even a little too long to calm him. His nephew should be with his parents, not with him. Infants shouldn’t be taken on long trips like this either, it was a bad idea, he could get sick so easily. Erzí would kill him if her baby died within a couple weeks of Gilbert having him. He didn’t know what to do. All he could think was hold the newborn close, and talk to him. Things would be okay, he would see his mother and father before he knew it. Gilbert would happily be uncle Gil instead of papa; they just needed a few years to get things sorted. Yes. They were just getting things sorted. 

Split custody was good though, three months with Roderich, three months with Gilbert, then switch. Ludwig really didn’t move that much, and they usually spent holidays and most summers together anyway. Ludwig was only seven, he wouldn’t have had a second thought about being referred to as one of his aunt and uncle's children. Erzsébet was overly cautious though, always thinking someone could be listening from around the corner. Roderich didn’t seem as bothered by it, the silence wasn’t worth what had happened. 

Roderich promised himself it would only be a few years, once Napoleon lost power. Once France was banging down his door. He would have Ludwig back soon enough, and everything would be as it was supposed to. Until then they were to go about business as usual; no one knew of Erzsébet’s pregnancy, at least no one outside of the house, and Gilbert had sworn even now to keep Ludwig’s existence on the downlow. At least until things calmed down. 

Liesl had been asking questions though, Roderich and Erzsébet had assumed her old enough to understand the first time around what was happening. 

“Your baby brother is going to live with your onkel Gil, just for a little while, and then he’ll be back” Roderich knew he was lying to himself just as much as he was lying to her when he said it.

Napoleon couldn’t stay in power forever though, and the confederation of the Rhine wouldn’t be permanent. For a short time Roderich convinced himself Ludwig would be returned to them with the German Confederation; instead he was introduced to the split custody with Gilbert. Saying he was disappointed would be understating it, Erzsébet claimed to understand it, reminding Roderich seeing him for six months out of the year was better than not at all. 

1815, the first assembly of the German confederation. Erzsébet argued wanting to be there to ‘represent her people within the Austrian Empire” which was part of the confederation. She had more than one man scoff at her over it, but she was attending. Yes, for her people, but also for… 

“Gilbert said he would be here” She complained to Roderich, she only saw German states, too many of them. The only child in her line of vision being Luxembourg, who Gilbert was far too interested in. Ludwig was supposed to be here, where was her Ludwig? Nine years since she had seen her second child, and if he wasn’t here today as Gilbert had promised she was ready to knock heads. She sighed, turning away from Roderich, who had been hovering next to her the whole time. Her breath caught in her throat, Gilbert had just entered the room after disappearing for a few minutes. He had a boy in his arms, no older than four, he made eye contact with Erzsébet. Every noise in the room seemed to dull as Gilbert said something to the boy and he looked in her direction; she saw her son for the first time in nine years.

“Papa!” The conversation was stopped abruptly as Ludwig came running back in the gate, his hands cupped around something. He stopped in front of his father, a big smile on his face, “Guess what Lise and I found!” 

Gilbert's entire demeanor changed, adopting the same excited tone as his seven year old son; “What did you and Lise find?” 

Liesl appeared just at that moment, sitting down in an empty chair between her parents. The fifteen year old girl trying to catch her breath, after chasing Ludwig around and then following him all the way back to the garden. Roderich couldn’t help but note she had gotten mud on the bottom of her skirt; she must have fallen at some point. 

Ludwig opened his hands just a little to show his father, who promptly made a face; “Show your aunt” Gilbert told Ludwig, Erzsébet was wary for a moment. It wasn’t often her not-technically-brother-in-law had kind things in mind for her. 

Ludwig half-ran the short distance, bouncing as he stood in front of her, “Do you want to hold it?” 

“Mmm” Erzsébet hummed a bit, she wasn’t scared of much when it came to insects, small snakes, amphibians, or really anything else Ludwig would be able to find right outside the garden gate. If it disgusted Gilbert though she really wasn’t sure if she wanted to know, he wasn’t put off by much either. 

“Don’t worry mama,” Liesl tucked her legs under her, much to her fathers disgust thinking about the mud getting on her underclothes as well; Erzsébet couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the mumbling. It’s not as if he did the laundry. “It’s nothing that will hurt you, Onkel Gilbert is just being a baby.” 

Gilbert feigned offense, even though everyone there knew Liesl and her uncle had been poking fun at each other for decades. Most said Liesl picked it up from her father. 

Erzí looked back to her nephew, who was still bouncing, eagerly waiting for her answer; “Okay fine, let me see it” 

She held her hands out and immediately had a small frog given to her. Erzsébet tried not to laugh, cupping one hand over the other to keep it from hopping away; “Hundreds of years on battlefields and you're disgusted by a grass frog?” 

“They’re slimy!” Gilbert argued, shaking his head as if the mere image of the frog disgusted him. Roderich rolled his eyes, he had no interest in holding the frog, but even he wasn’t so disgusted by such simple things. 

Erzsébet got out of her seat, setting the frog under a bush not far away, and watching it hop off. She noted the sun starting to disappear under the horizon. “I think it should be dinner time soon, what do you all think?” 

“Absolutely!” Gilbert stretched a little, wrapping his arm around Ludwig to doubly make sure the boy wouldn't slip off. “I’m starving, I could eat a horse” 

“I’m hungry too.” Ludwig followed his father. “I could eat two horses” 

“You know Ludwig, after dinner you have to go to bed” 

The small boy went quiet very quickly, before taking back his statement “I’m not hungry anymore.” 

A small chuckle came from all the adults, Erzsébet shrugged. “Then I suppose you can just watch while we all eat the goulash that’s simmering on the stove right now” 

Ludwig backpedaled once again, “No. I am hungry.” 

“Still so hungry you could eat two horses?” Erzsébet inquired. 

“Two and a half horses!”  

[firecooking]

Here me out, in the tugs fandom there are 3 depictions of captain zero

1. Shitty mustache ( looks like it's pencil drawn)

2. Mustache that curls into a zero ( it curling to represent how he's the antagonist and also it resembles a 0 )

3. No mustache ( because he's either terrible at facial hair or artist just didn't draw him with one)

In your au is there an inside joke that zero can't grow proper facial hair?

I have been a conosuier of human Captain Zero's for years, and that theory does hold water!

I think the only Zero I can think of until a few that cropped up around this year with a beard that was drawn more than once is Dan-the-countdowner's over on deviant art. God speed Dan you where like the only guy drawing human Captains for years.

Also, your asks are always on deck in my ask box when I have a few minutes of free time, please don't think I'm ignoring them, sometimes it takes me a while to formulate my answers. Also I don't often do drawing requests, but I make an exception for my TUGS au's!

Anyways, on to my au! There will be a detailed explanation under the read more but tldr:

When Zero was a younger man he always kept himself clean shaven, after his time in he army he attempts to grow a mustache, which was universally hated and every one regarded as a bad move. Post War 1918-pre Zip 1920 is lovingly known as the rat years in the photo albums that reside around Zero Marine Bigg City.

Before the Great War Captain Zero clean shaved every morning, brushed out, cared for, and styled his hair, and generally looked put together and intentional despite living with rather wild, wavy, longer hair. I picture him around a 2b/2c if he makes an attempt to care for it but when he's not doing anything particular its just a frizzy/fluffy 2a, he has pretty fine hair so it's never consistent unless Zero makes the effort. His hair keeping short also makes it less wavy than it might be if he let it grow out.

He'll never admit it but he never really liked looking anyone in the eyes as a young man, and he still doesn't like it. His long bangs covering his face made him feel more calm and helped hide the fact he was avoiding eye contact.

When he signed up for the draft, Star had made a few passing comments about his hair, but Zero never thought anything of it. He's always remembered Star had had longer hair, and the Army wasn't that different to the navy, right?

After he was drafted and was in training, one of the first things that happened was his hair was trimmed back to fit in his helmet better and his daily grooming routine was reprimanded as a waste of time for a medic. He was told to change it or lives would be lost. So change it he did. This change consisted of not doing his hair routine save for 'basic maintenance' [ie, none] as needed, and only shaving one or twice a week, his facial hair never did grow very fast and was rather sparse anyways.

When he got back from the war, he vowed to grow his hair back out, but he was a different man returning home.

With his new found free time in the mornings meant he could always find time for tea and some breakfast. Making for a slightly less 'tired bitch of a captain' according to his three tugboats [data gathered from eaves dropping on their nightly poker games]. With his shaving routine fully altered and him no longer being picky about being clean shaven, he decided to try out facial hair, his father always maintained a beard, so why couldn't he? Genetics were on his side! He often forgets he's adopted.

It never did grow in fast, or very full. Even with Zorran's best efforts to help, Zero never really had more than a slightly bushy mess. And his hair never really got back to it's same length/health after the war, he always blamed it on the fact it was cut back, and not the fact he was a depressed mess after Europe who had stopped grooming almost entirely for years.

When Zip was due to be christened, Zero finally went down to a barbers shop to get himself cleaned up for the photographs at the urging of his tugboats and mother.

The barber took one look at him and told him the mustache needed to go and that his hair was initially damaged from lack of care during the war and then exacerbated by lack of care after. Zero on a whim let the man do what he felt was right, it was a new decade after all.

Zero's up cut was initially very low maintenance for him and he quite preferred it that way. Zero didn't keep up steam with his hair care the same way he did before the war, but he could manage to brush it in the morning to keep it from getting as bad as it had been.

Once Zasha comes into his life and he realized she has much curlier hair than he ever did [a mix of 3 b/c], he starts to pick hair maintenance back up as he learns how to take care of her hair. He's gotta be a role model and a good father after all. He still never gets back to how he was before the war, but at least his hair is healthy instead of oily, frizzy, and out of place.

More importantly he's taking regular showers and grooming again. His tugs count both of those things as a win.

He never figures out why he was less particular about the way he looks after the war. He was living a life of crime before the war. In the army he never injured a soul or took a life, unlike his days collecting debts as an 'accountant.'

He doesn't see how the war to end all wars could have changed him.

[princevictoriapunk]

𝐼 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝑒𝓇𝓋𝑒 𝒾𝓉, 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝐼?

Title: "I deserve it, don't I?"

Fandom: Honkai Star Rail

Characters: Aventurine, Seth (OC)

Genre : Hurt/comfort

Content Warnings : A little pinch of angst and a large bucket of fluff. Otherwise, no spoiler warning or anything.

Word count : 2,272

Character count : 13,029

Synopsis : Aventurine got threatened to be assassinated, and Seth, his beloved bodyguard also known as 'Cerberus', is watching over him for the night. Awakened by a horrific nightmare, his personal hellhound is running to the rescue.

A/n : The more I read about this charming bastard, the more I just want to hold him. Poor man deserves all the freedom and happiness he can get, and if I have to bite the IPC for that 🦝🥄

A/n 2 : Will be crossposted on Ao3 when I get around to it •3•

A/n 3 : Check out > Part 2 of the fanfic :>

Fic under the cut for length ✨️

Besides the fact that someone had announced they’d come after Aventurine's life, the two have had a normal evening like any other.

After dinner, the two men went to one of the casinos in Penacony, and once it was time for bed due to a meeting before noon the following day, they headed back to the hotel.

So, Aventurine went to bed with a goodnight kiss, with his bodyguard and secret lover staying up to fend off any threats.

Seth had no issue pulling an all-nighter to keep watch over his employer. He secured the front of the door with a little table and a chair from inside their shared room.

On said table, he had placed down the utensils and parts of his disassembled pistol as well as the still whole one, so he could clean them one by one.

Nothing and nobody would get past him.

Nothing but peace and quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the quiet chatter and steps of the few people wandering the distant hallways, the quiet buzz of electricity, and the muffled, soft splashes and bubbling of the liquid filling the Dreampools.

Well, besides the clicking of metal and soft rustling of the thin brush or the cloth he was using to clean ‘Crime’ and ‘Punishment’ - his faithful twin pistols - with.

Alas, after a while, he did hear quite some noise and screams from inside. A loud thud. Immediately, Seth jumped up and barged into the room. Alarmed.

The chair toppled over. Thud. The door flung open. He readied his pistols. They clicked. Checked the room for his boyfriend. For any threat that might've infiltrated the room. His muscles tensed up. Unable to find him. Blood and adrenaline rushed through his veins.

“Aven?!”, he called out.

No signs of a break-in…

His eyes darted around the dimly lit room. Spotting a tuft of blond hair next to the farther side of the bed, he relaxed his posture. Held the guns so they'd point up, until he'd eventually put them away.

His crimson eyes checked for any possible injuries on the smaller man. Hopefully just a few minor bruises from falling off the bed, from what he assumed. His gaze spoke more a “You okay?” than he’d voice out.

“Seth!”, said one exclaimed before letting out a sigh of relief upon spotting his bodyguard and partner to the rescue. His heart was racing. His eyes darted around in panic. His throat felt dry. Cold sweat glistened on his pale skin. Crystalline, almost sparkling tears streamed down his cheeks.

“You're awake..”.

His voice rarely sounded so thin. So shaky. So scared.

The nightmare must have been a particularly bad one.

With a small breath of relief, Crime and Punishment slipped back into the holsters on his harness. He pushed the door closed using his foot. With just a few strides, he walked over to the bed.

After picking him up like a sad wet cat, he placed the smaller man down on the mattress.

Handed him a glass of water he just poured from the carafe on the nightstand. Watched as his boss emptied it in one go, cupping them with his own hands to steady the blond's trembling own ones.

“Hey hey hey- Shh..~ Bad dream?”, he asked in a hushed but concerned tone.

Sitting down on the edge of the soft mattress, Seth spread his arms. Offered a hug to his panicked partner. His jaw clenched. His heart sunk in his chest.

He understood that Aventurine didn't want to share everything with him, and he respected his decision. But it hurt to see him in so much pain that wasn't willing to have Seth share carrying the weight of the pain he was experiencing.

Aventurine was usually a stoic person, but the nightmares appeared to be slowly chipping away at his resolve.

He’d only confessed to Seth once how the dreams had changed, from childhood fears to more of a recurring, vivid one that was almost too painful to share. That hit too close to home.

Cerberus’ brows furrowed. A mask of concern replaced his usually either lazy grin or his slightly irritated expression.

He wasn't a man of many words. A firm believer of “actions spoke louder than words”. Which is why he didn't force Aventurine to tell him about his nightmares.

The Avgin accepted his partner's hug eventually. Crawled closer to wrap his body around the other's much bigger frame. The warmth he provided was soothing. The nightmare had left him freezing even though the room had a comfortable temperature.

As he was held close, he began to relax little by little. Let go of his worries. Seth was his safe haven, even if he didn't want to admit it.

Pulling the blond man in, the bodyguard also wrapped the blanket around him.

“Hope the holsters aren't in the way…”, he whispered to his boyfriend.

Seth leaned his head against his, gently rubbing his back.

Slowly, he felt Aventurine relax in his arms, his muscles losing more and more of the tension from before. Based on the shorter one’s response, the holsters didn't pose too much of a hindrance.

So, the two snuggled in silence for a while until the gambler spoke up again.

“It was a.. terrible dream”, he whispered.

His voice sounded weak and threatening to crack and break out into tears. His eyes closed as he continued to settle down. He didn't have the confidence to look up at his beloved protector and partner.

“A recurring one… One that I can't seem to shake off.”.

Pressing a gentle kiss to the other man’s temple, he pulled him even closer, onto his lap, intently listening in silence.

Whenever they sat like that, Seth realized just how small, how fragile Aventurine was in comparison to himself. That alone made the dual-hair-coloured man want to protect him even more. To hold him even more gently.

Feeling the blond nuzzle more into his chest, he buried his own face in the crook of his boyfriend's neck. Inhaled his sweet scent.

Seth still hadn’t lost any words for a good couple of minutes.

“Don't worry. I'm here to chase them off as often as you need me to. I swore an oath to protect you till the end of time, so I will come whenever you call my name.”.

His low, raspy voice rumbled against the blond's neck as he placed soft kisses along Aventurine's cheek, jaw, and neck to distract him. His stubble tickled his delicate skin.

His partner felt more vulnerable than ever, his body being propped into his arms like that.

He was already short compared to Seth, and the difference in size and stature made him almost feel like a child again.

That was okay, though. Because it reminded him he had someone strong and devoted to protect him now. Someone who kept him more or less sane in this insanity surrounding the IPC.

When his personal guard hound kissed him, he shivered at the touch of his lips. Shuffling up a bit higher as the kisses continued down his neck.

“Just… stay close to me, okay?”, he sighed, relaxing completely.

Seth's breathing was calm and slow, much like his heartbeat since realizing that his employer was not in danger.

He was a man of his word. Not even once did he let anyone touch his boyfriend. Giving a nod and a low grumble, he agreed.

“Want to lie down again or stay like this?”, he inquired.

His crimson eyes glanced up at the teal and purple ones of Aventurine. Those beautiful eyes he often got lost in.

His boyfriend thought about his question before replying with a small smile reminiscent of his usually so confident one: “I feel very comfortable in your arms. If you don't mind, I'd rather stay here a little longer.”.

His hands came up to rest on the taller man's chest, his lips curling upwards a tad more. After everything, He was still trembling slightly.

“You smell nice”, he murmured, his eyelids fluttering a bit.

With another nod, he accepted the other's decision.

“Fine with me” is what his smile meant.

Rubbing the blond's head, he glanced down at the hands on his chest before he planted another kiss on Aventurine's forehead.

“Thank you. I'm trying out that new perfume.”.

It seemed that it was something that suited his partner's taste. Even though Seth was nothing but his bodyguard in public, he did go for items he knew the shorter man would like to see on him.

“The perfume suits you”, Aventurine replied with an appreciative smile.

It smelled nice, almost like the cologne Cerberus occasionally wore when he took him to nice places.

The Stoneheart would never ask directly, but he knew that Seth bought those things solely for him - if he wasn't the one spoiling his beloved dog, showering him in them. There was no denying that Seth was good at taking care of what he loved.

“I love you”, Aventurine mumbled.

His words were soft and gentle as he pressed his cheek against the broad chest in front of him.

“Thanks, I was hoping you'd like it.”.

“I love you too”, he rasped, resting his head atop of his boyfriend's.

There was no doubt that his heart began to flutter in his chest whenever he snuggled up against him like that. A soft blush spread on his cheeks as he relaxed his pectoral so they'd be a more comfortable pillow despite the vest, tie, and dress shirt being in the way either way.

Leaning his head against the other male's, Seth seemed so mellow.

Out on the field, in sight of prying eyes, he always seemed so battle-hardy, cruel, cold, and emotionally distant.

Everybody who'd be told that this man, also known as 'Cerberus', was such an affectionate softie behind closed doors, they'd never believe it.

Aventurine sighed contently, his body pressed against Seth’s, burritoed in his arms. He felt content and safe in his embrace.

For a moment, he contemplated just falling asleep here, but the thought of missing out on spending quality time with his loved one deterred such a tempting idea.

His eyelids fluttered as his breathing became more relaxed, but his mind was still a little active.

“Seth?”

"Hmm?", he asked with a low rumble vibrating in his chest.

Glancing down, he couldn't see the other male's face regardless, but it helped him focus more on the blond. Seth was waiting patiently for the other to tell him what he needed.

Aventurine’s voice was soft and tender when he spoke, a pleasant contrast to his usual composed demeanor. A luxury only Seth was allowed to see. How vulnerable he was. How human. How delicate.

“Promise me you won’t ever leave my side, Seth. There’s so much of the world I’d like you to see. With me. You're the only reason why I haven't fully gone insane yet. Just promise me you’ll always be with me.”

Though it was a bit of a silly thing to ask someone who worked as his bodyguard, he couldn’t help but want to hear his answer.

Hearing Aventurine voice out those words made him chuckle softly, his shoulders trembling slightly.

Picking up the smaller man and setting him back down next to him on the bed, Seth slipped off the mattress. Kneeling in front of his boyfriend, he gently grasped his small, pale hands. Bringing them up to his face, Seth pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hands. As he gazed up, rubies gleaming softly in the dim lighting, he locked eyes with Aventurine.

“I pledge to never leave your side, to never let any harm befall you, to always be your spear and shield~ I shall guard you with my life, even if it's the last thing I do.”.

Aventurine’s heart skipped a beat as Seth kissed the back of his hands. Though he’d already promised to protect him, the gesture was as powerful as the words he spoke, if not more.

His lips pursed together slightly as his eyes met yours. He could tell this wasn’t just a simple promise.

It was a vow. A vow to protect and cherish him till death.

Even though Seth was no knight in shining armor, he'd still do anything in his power to protect the one he loved. Since he had accepted that people nicknamed him Cerberus, He could see what made them call him that in the first place. He viciously protected the blond, much like how the three-headed Hellhound was guarding the Gate of Hell.

Without warning, he pulled his bodyguard down and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. His heart was racing with each passing second.

Seth was caught off guard, something that was hard to achieve. But just a few seconds later, he cupped Aventurine's cheeks and returned the loving kiss.

The bodyguard was a loyal, fierce man, but there was a tender and affectionate side to him that not many people had the luxury of witnessing.

Aventurine kissed him passionately, not wanting to waste another second apart. He knew that he wanted to hold his boyfriend close all night, and it was exactly what he did as he pulled him down to the bed.

Seth’s strong arms enveloped him in a tight hug, pulled his lover on top of him, so he could settle down. Watching the exhaustion eventually win the siege against Aventurine's determination to spend some quality time with him.

Or in simpler terms, a soft smile played around his lips, much like the content one on the asleep blond's lips.

[abeinginsand]

Scary has four memories involving her stepdad's old mirror. Out of the four, she's only looked at her reflection once. Parts: Prologue (Ron & TJ), Memory 1, Memory 2, Memory 3 (here), Memory 4 Warning: Mentioned bullying by classmates (not graphic detail) ---- It's been one week since Scary's eaten breakfast with her mom on a weekday (due to hefty work load). One week of sitting with Terry Junior and trying to not tear up at the sight of the empty chair across from her. Because any tears are a sign of weakness and the chumps at school get bored faster if she pretends she's unbothered by their words and hair yanking when the coach isn't looking. The pitying and sad puppy eyed look of a grown man her mom married is also just as cruel actually. So she has to keep the eye sweat in check. At least she can feel safe complaining about one of those situations. Terry's a softie after all and no matter what she does (or doesn't do), he never gets mad.

By the end of the week, her step...whatever...has not only ramped up his papaganda chatter but is now sitting in her mom's seat. The meal set up neatly on the table is her favorite kind of soup too, paired with a sorry attempt at a folded napkin. Its a bowl of red blood (tomato soup) and the fish that it came from floating on the surface (three-cheese-blend goldfish crackers). She mutters the quietest of thank you's under her breath and enjoys the soup in wonderful, definitely not awkward silence for a few minutes.

A silence soon broken by Terry asking stuff she wishes her mom would be here to ask. Except Terry cannot replace her dad and especially not replace her mom. Shouldn't be sitting across from her with the concerned yet somehow happy look on his face either. She glares in his direction, says a short "no" to him checking on her and asking if she remembered to pack her backpack. She goes back to eating the tasty soup.

After four days of this undeclared war with him, she finally hears him let out a heavy sigh. She smiles into her next spoonful, victorious. It felt nice to be on the other end of a conflict, to be the powerful instigator and not the prey. The silence returns, the two wash their own dishes and then it's off to the car. Scary sets the radio to the latest kidzbop album with her phone app and Terry triple checks everything in the car--especially seat belts and airbag locations before pulling out of the small driveway.

Maybe if Scary looked over to him at any point during the ride, she'd notice the anxiety written all over him. Instead, the teenager is writing poetry and doodling cross bones in her journal until the school drop off point is in front her door. She gets out without a good-bye and pretends it doesn't feel odd that Terry Junior doesn't say anything either. School happens, she has fun in creative writing and then she skips her last two classes to dye her hair in the abandoned girl's bathroom. ...Or she wanted to but she opened up the box, tried to read the complicated directions, got frustrated, and decided she'd try at home tonight instead. It's nice to avoid the mean girls in her gym class though. In the meantime, she changes out her low pony tail for a high and poofy one. She's one of the tallest girls in her grade so the yanking will be much harder with her hair not dangling past her shoulders. No matter what she doesn't want to cut it, since it took so long to get it this length.

At the end of the school day, her mom's black and shiny car pulls up. Scary slips into the passenger's side and is about to turn on her music when her mom speaks up.

"Terry..." "It's Scary, Mom." "Scary, my little grumpy pumpkin, what are those paperclips doing on your ears?" Scary puts her phone on the dashboard and crosses her arms. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe they'd be piercings though if you let me get some already."

---- Veronica Marlowe Stampler sighs but it has a much different vibe than Terry's one from this morning. His sounded like the air slowly flowing out of a popped balloon. Her mom's sigh sounded like one of those cartoon horses breathing out a smoke cloud through their nose as their gear up to sprint. The fingers tapping on the steering wheel as they remain in the school parking lot are like drumrolls before a battle reenactment (she saw one during a history class field trip last month). "We've talked about this so many times. No piercings, no guitar, and no tattoos until you're a bit older. And aren't you going to ask why I'm picking you up today instead of your step-dad?" Scary pouts at the familiar words and looks out the window, avoiding her mom's burning gaze. "Ugh! Can't believe a mother would bully her precious daughter like this--" The girl sputters at the question. She forgot for a second that Terry should have been here. Scary got lost in the fact that her mom was instead (after barely seeing her this week). She turns away from the window and looks at her mom, checking her expression for clues on how serious this might be. Her mom has a few new wrinkles and small gray hairs. Her eyes say "I'm tired" and her straight posture in the seat could mean too many things. Scary is crossing her arms still, but it feels more like she's hugging herself now. "Terry's okay, right? I mean not that I care. But, w-what's going on?" Seems her response is enough to get her mom to relax and move to hold one of her daughter's hands. Scary doesn't stop her but doesn't squeeze her hand either until she gets a response. "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that. Terry's not hurt, he's just stuck in traffic. I was trying hard to finish up early today to surprise both of you anyway. Headed over here instead of to the house when I got his call." "Really?" "Really, I promise he's okay. I just...work's been a lot and I had some bad news for clients and maybe I'm carrying that stress into every conversation lately? I'm really sorry about all of this, the nagging, and the missing breakfast stuff too. I'm really messing up this mom stuff lately, huh?" Its not the first time her mom's mentioned stuff like this and Scary gets it. But still doesn't know how to make it all better. She moves to hug her mom instead of responding with words, thinks about demanding Terry be extra nice to her mom later too. They sit in the parking lot like that for another ten minutes, before they head home. Her mom's other car, the one Terry was borrowing, is in the driveway. The house smells like various spices and the dinner is delicious. Scary keeps stealing glances at Terry throughout the meal too, wondering about the traffic thing. Thinking about that one night that she held his hand and he cried even though he'd been mostly gentle and all smiles before. After dinner, her mom volunteers to wash the dishes this time. Both her husband and daughter say they'll take care of it at the same time. She smiles and puts her hands up in surrender, giving Terry a quick kiss and hugging Scary one more time after the girl makes a grossed out face at the parent pda. The dishes are done in silence until Scary interrupts to ask him if he's chill or whatever. He takes a few minutes to say yes, looking intently at the suds on the plates. They meet up at night again, both having woken up past midnight to wander the house quietly. Scary stops in the hall, looking at the chip bags in his hand while he stares right at the hair dye box in her hands. "You didn't see anything, Terry." "Guess I didn't see it and you didn't see the chips either. That's a shame though." Terry pauses in his soft speech to smile and point to the box as he continues talking. "Because I could help you use that, hun. I've dyed my hair with that brand before." ----

So, she ends up sitting in front her step dad's weird floor-length mirror that night, finally looking at her reflection in the glass. Terry's right behind her with a fold-up table. She watches as he gently works to turn part of her dark hair to a bright pink. It makes her feel different, cool, seeing the obvious, self-decided change taking place. The girl looks up at the engraving of Stud on the mirror and smirks at it.

The two talk a little too, the chatter turning into many a heated whisper. Its part of why Terry suggested going into the storage room anyways, so their talking wouldn't wake her mom. They argue quietly about best chip flavors, top 5 kidzbop hits, or about the awful ice skater tier list they both saw online the other day. Scary doesn't ask if he's okay again, because he's amused and lively look in the reflection is enough to convince her. Scary, against all hater urges, is starting to look forward to these nightly truces where maybe having to get used to a step dad doesn't bother her so much.

[toastthewolfie]

thinking a bit more abt alicia

(note: this’ll probably be updated but ive been working on this for a while and just want it to be DONE. Also i have NOT spellchecked this so apologies for any mistypes or incorrectly spelled word's (and grammar), but i am happy with it right now so here :3)

Small Overview: Alica ‘Cheetah’ Norris is my rainbow 6 siege oc. She’s a three speed one armor attacker and her ‘skill��� is a dart gun (the darts have a agent in them that causes temporary paralysis)

Small information thing that i dunno how to title: She’s 5’6, uses she/they, and is mixed (Latina/white, but she grew up in a mostly white American family so she’s not really in touch with her heritage).

Weapons: unsure what weapon she’s gonna use specifically but probably an assault riffle of some sort. Extremely unsure on secondary and gadgets (though probably flashbangs or frags)

rest under the tags bc LENGTH

Background/Past Experience Revamp: as ive said before, she’s a hostage negotiator. Except im changing her background quite a bit (she was part of the American ATF as a field agent before becoming a hostage negotiator but upon further research, she was part of SWAT (after a few years of being a patrol officer) after failing to get into the FBI and, despite how many of her instructors viewed her as mildly incapable due to ✨crippling anxiety✨(shes just like me fr), she managed to prove that she was in fact highly competent and able to defuse situations without too much training prior hence how she became a hostage negotiator at the age of 25 (shes older now so yay (EDIT: was reading over it and noticed i put 35 instead of 25 so sorry about that!)) and, despite not being military fbi, her skills on the field caught Rainbow’s attention, hence how she got in).

(fun fact: most of her scars actually come from setting up barbed wire, she hasnt had a lot of experience with it so she ended up cutting up her hands and lower arms when trying to learn it.)

Personality Revamp: While she’s still incredibly anxious, I’ve made her way more capable on the field. While off the field, she’s quite literally the definition of a ball of anxiety with legs, on the field the adrenaline steadies her nerves and throws her into the correct headspace to fight, though it’s kind of like a light switch. One moment she’s quietly freaking out and the next she appears completely calm and is talking strategy.

Counters: i dunno why ive just been thinking about this quite a bit 😭 Kure - I mean. She operates 2 robots. Im not an expert on robotics (far from it, i literally want to become an air traffic controller DO NOT QUOTE ME ON ANYTHING I YAP ABT) but im pretty sure that they’d be immune to a dart of paralytic fluid (unless maybe Alicia hits it in the right spot, and even then it’d be damaging the actual robot). Doc - Kind of in the sense that his stim pistol can reduce the affect of the dart (especially on himself) but im not 100% on this yet. Fenrir - This is more ‘lore’ based than game based but I imagine that Fenrir’s dread mines affect Alicia’s performance (aka exacerbating her already present anxiety). I was thinking about it and thought that the idea of Alicia nerfing herself via failed reloads would be really interesting! And then the idea that Fenrir’s dread mines (since they affect the mind for a short period of time) exist, what if Alicia has a chance of failing a reload while in the affected area, the chance increasing the longer one spends in the area.

Relationships: (Alicia is AroAce so none of these are romantic :3) Quite literally terrified of 90% of people on base. Most notably all the Russians, Zero, and Ash. She’s friendly with Blitz and Mozzie and acquainted with Fenrir (mostly due the fact that she has enough confidence in his loyalty to Rainbow) and Doc as she’s part of Wolfguard and likes being semi-acquainted with her team leader. (She is trying to expand the amount of people she’s acquainted with but it’s kinda hard when you’re scared of most everyone.)

Backstory: Okaaay Alicia’s backstory wasn’t really defined in the past but since my writing skills are better now, im working on it a bit more :D

Alicia was adopted by her parents (she doesn’t know her bioparents nor does she have any real interest in finding them) when she was 4. Her parents, however, were killed in a hit-and-run incident when she was 12, her aunt (Aurelia Norris)) then took custody of her (fun fact: both Aurelia and Alicia have poliosis!).

At the age of 18, she went into college for a degree in criminal psychology. After receiving her degree, alicia applied to her local police department (and the FBI but she was rejected, obviously), managed to become a patrol officer, and eventually joined SWAT where she proved her ability to defuse hostage situations in a pinch (despite almost everyone not believing it due to the fact that alicia was incredibly jumpy and panicky) hence her promotion of sorts to a crisis negotiator (that mostly focuses on hostage situations).

at the age of 32, she caught the attention of a few rainbow recruiters and after a bit of digging, she wasn’t considered for recruitment. It was only a year later when Rainbow was working with her unit and they finally got to see her operate, hence how she, after being recommended by her commanding officers, ended up in Rainbow.

Of course, there was a very large gap between her and the others as she was a crisis negotiator from a random ass town in who the fuck knows where (not me, thats for sure) America while these guys are the best of the best of their respective militaries (She does always try to keep up but she’s still a little behind on a few things) and that combined with her anxiety around change and these new people just kinda left her as a outsider (not that she really minded. It hurt sometimes, sure, but she already didnt talk a lot so..).

Callsign: Alicia got her callsign (Cheetah) from her speed, mostly. Cheetahs, while fast, are incredibly anxious, hence why people thought it was a good idea. Alicia hasnt really ever had a callsign so she just kinda rolled with it because what else was she to do. (She’s still not the most experienced with military culture and whatnot)

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.

(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)

This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.

You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.

For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.

As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)



I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.

My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.

I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.

This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.



To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.

I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.

We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.

Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.

But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.

I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.



My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.

Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.

I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.



Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.

In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.

The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.

While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.

Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.

She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.

He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.

I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).

There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.



So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).

A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.

Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.

The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".

That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.



I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.

Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.

Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).

I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.

Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.



The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)

I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._

This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".

No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:

No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.

Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.

Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.

That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).

My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.

Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.



When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.

There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?

First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).

Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/

Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc

Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.

Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)



Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)

For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.

According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.



(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).

Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.

The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.

While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.

It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.

What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)

It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.

I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.

People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.

The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.

The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.

And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.

*

I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.

I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.

I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.

It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  

About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.

It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)

The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.

Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.

It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.

The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.

You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.

But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).

I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.

To answer your questions:

Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.

The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.

I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.

I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.

4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.

5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.

6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.

What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.

Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.

Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.