#( tw: postpartum anxiety )

[vienna-fiore]

I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels like it’s spiraling.

I can’t keep up this charade any longer. Lorenzo keeps asking me if I’m okay. He says I’ve been quiet lately, more distant. My siblings are slowly noticing too, and sending me these tentative messages that show me they’re worried, but scared to say it outright. 

I told them all I’m fine, just tired, but the truth is, I’m not fine. I don’t think I’ve been fine since Sunny was born.

It’s like I’m living with this heavy knot in my chest that never goes away. Every second of every day, I’m consumed by this fear that something terrible is going to happen to her. If she coughs, my heart races. If she’s quiet for too long, I’m panicking, leaning over her bassinet to check if she’s breathing. It’s not just moments of fear anymore… it’s constant, unrelenting.

I feel sick all the time. My stomach churns, my head aches, and I’m so exhausted I can barely think straight, but I can’t let myself rest. What if something happens while I’m asleep? What if I miss something important?

I know everyone can see it now. No matter how hard I try to hide it, they’re noticing the cracks. Lorenzo’s worried — I can see it in his eyes. He keeps telling me I’m a good mom, that I’m doing amazing, but I know he’s scared for me.

And the truth is… I’m scared, too.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I barely recognize the woman I’ve become. The old me would’ve taken Chiara’s shopping invitation in a heartbeat, thrown on a cute outfit, and walked out the door with Sunny in tow. But now? The thought of taking her outside terrifies me. What if she gets sick? What if something happens I can’t control?

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I love my daughter more than anything, but I feel like I’m drowning in this anxiety, and I don’t know how to stop.

Today, for the first time, I caught myself thinking that maybe I can’t do this alone. Maybe I need help. It terrifies me to even write that, to admit it, because asking for help feels like admitting I’m failing. But I don’t think this is something I can just “get over.” Not on my own.

I don’t know what the next step is. Maybe I’ll talk to Lorenzo. Maybe I’ll call my doctor. I don’t know. But what I do know is that Sunny deserves a mom who can be present for her, not one who’s trapped in this cycle of fear.

I need to be better for her, for me, for us. Maybe it’s time to ask for help.

[muniimyg]

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹ bbydaddy!jk (16) ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹

series m.list // taglist request closed

note: please prioritize your mental health and peace if the following content is too heavy for you. this portion of the plot has a lot of angst, and arguing. overall contains sensitive topics. thank you all for waiting so well for the break-up reveal!

tw: mentions of anxiety/stress/insomnia/ and postpartum depression,, early pregnancy loss (5 weeks), and self-neglect.

🏷️ permanent taglist:

@joonsjuice @pamzn @defzcl @maryy1300 @whoa-jo @taetaecatboy @jksusawife @un06 @firesighgirl @rrosiitas @butterymin @parkinglot-nights @musicjournalsjdb @kissyfacekoo @jkslvsnella @vampcharxter @bloopkook @somehowukook @bbystarcandykoo

//

"so... jungkook moved back in, he bought you a new car, and this entire time you've been broken up—you've been sleeping with him?"

it feels stupid to confess everything to your therapist.

you’ve been avoiding this for 9 months now. 

today it has to be settled. 

it has to be over. 

this feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to throw up over and over again until you have nothing left inside of you. your lips tighten at the way your therapist blinks at you. you've never really been able to read her, but maybe that's what you like so much about her.

sometimes, it's nice not to know and just to take what people say as they are.

"he's not actually moved back in... he just has more closet space."

your therapist notes something down on her pad. then, she looks at you and simply comments, "i see... is that all you think it is? more closet space?"

"y-yes? n-no... no. okay, it's not like we're not back together though..." you begin to explain yourself.

"but you've been sleeping with him the entire time you guys have been broken up?"

you make a face.

your therapist tilts her head and lets out a light sigh. 

"i'm not judging. you two are adults. you both have needs. you both need each other. you both love each other. i'm just clarifying that—"

"okay, yes," you yield. "i have been sleeping with my babydaddy but haven’t gotten back together with him... i mean—we kind of are? to be fair, the break-up wasn’t a real break-up... it just grew into one. i take the blame for the dumping because i was the one who pulled away. so inevitably, i can't help but feel like a villain in all of it... am i? am i the villain? zion had this whole thing about what family is like, a home with another kid from his daycare, and it... it made me feel so guilty. jungkook and i talked about it and worked on it... i know he doesn't blame me, but every time i bring myself closer to... what do i even call this? ... forgiving him? forgiving myself? i d-don't know... all i know is that... every time i want to move on and just be happy—with him. with zion... with my life—i can't find it in me. i pull away, and it hurts everyone around us. sometimes, i wonder if they know it hurts me too."

"what does that mean?" she asks, her tone soft and curious. "good job getting that off your chest. you're doing great, ___."

mumbling a 'thank you,' you sigh and shrug your shoulders. honestly, you can’t think. your mind goes blank. she then sits up, fixing her posture. leaning forward, she makes her observation.

"___, you broke up with jungkook 9 months ago because of the circumstances. sure, he was supportive and understanding, but sometimes, when everything gets too much, the only person who can fix you is yourself. ___, it was a lot. it was heavy. one thing I've noticed about you is that you think and speak as if everything has to be this big thing. you know your emotions are bigger than the problem, yet you suppress them. it's okay to feel them because when you don't, you start to lose yourself. sometimes, it sounds to me like you want to burn the room down for people to empathize with you... for people to see you. for you to see yourself even."

"i don't want to burn anything down—"

"it's an analogy," she explains. "the truth is, for you, being burned out isn’t a thing until you can’t get out of bed. burnout is as simple as not wanting coffee anymore. sometimes, it's losing yourself to stress and anxiety... and people see that. jungkook, your friends, and your parents saw it. you don’t have to prove it. ___, you can’t keep pushing yourself until you can’t run anymore. you have to slow down. you have to let yourself be tired and learn how to rest."

you nod, agreeing with her take. then, you make another confession.

"i understand that," you take a deep breath. "but it’s like… before i knew it, i was upset and unfit for our relationship. i screwed up too early. that's why i broke up with him... but now... i don’t know. the guilt and blame keep pointing in different directions. i don’t know what i'm doing, and i can't do that. i can't not know when it comes to the father of my child and the love of my life."

your therapist purses her lips and offers you a small smile.

"then, ___... is it possible that things are better now? that it's more than his clothes in your home? that the room isn’t burning anymore? is it that maybe... finally, you’re realizing that being tired and burnt out is a part of life? ___, you’ve done nothing but get everything right since your childhood... to let your feelings—good or bad—be true and big isn’t a flaw. it’s you being human."

her words hit you, but not enough to stop your insecurities. with shaky eyes, you ask her, "w-what if i do it again?"

"do what again? burnout?"

"what if i fuck up everything about my life again? my career? motherhood? jungkook and i’s relationship? it hurt so bad... to wake up next to my family and not feel anything. it was so fucking hard... i couldn’t even pretend that i was okay. a-and when i asked for some air... he wasn’t even mad at me. he packed his bags and lost his breath from crying so much. at the door, he asked me if i was sure... and even though i wasn’t; i said yes...." you explain, your voice growing quieter with each word.

suddenly, everything feels so heavy. 

if there was ever a time to understand and relate to the feeling of the world being on your shoulders... this would be that moment. taking a breath, you compose yourself.

"i can’t do that again," you vow. "i can’t change my mind."

"you can’t change your mind again or you can’t hurt like that again?"

you pause.

"9 months ago, my mind kept going back and forth whether or not jungkook cared about me," you confess. "but i recently realized he does. he has. he always will... i just don’t know if i can trust him the same as before... i think i’m a horrible person for thinking that. weird, right? especially with how fucking horrible i am to him now."

"that’s not true." your therapist disagrees. "___, it was traumatic. you went through a lot—"

"—and i will never understand how he held himself together. when he was accused of plagiarism at his company, i took those accusations and sued until jungkook’s name was spotless. it was hard on both of us. he didn’t want me to go that far because they were his coworkers—his ‘friends’—but why... why was he so pathetic then? those people were out to ruin him. they quit the company and went to jyp. they proposed work that belonged to jungkook... it was a conflict of interest! when jungkook launched his work with hybe, jyp accused him of plagiarism. hybe cut ties with him and his company gave him so much shit for losing hybe. and i, his girlfriend and mother of his child, risked my career to focus on his case instead of my clients. i chose him. i did everything to fight for him. then, he told me he wanted to settle and stay at the company... i couldn’t believe it... he had his reputation on the line—his career! mine was too and all for what? because he didn’t want to embarrass his friends? because he didn’t want to cause the company more trouble? then, what about me? what about us?"

your therapist looks at you with sincere eyes. she nods, taking your words in. 

"___, does he know you’re still upset with his decision?"

"yes," you sigh, recalling how betrayed you felt. "w-we don’t talk about it. how do we? it felt like i wasted 2 months of my life and we lost our—we lost."

your therapist reaches over and offers you the tissue box. you didn’t even realize you were crying... but the silence between you two and the ache from the words that you just said begins to sting your chest.

after a few moments, your therapist softly tells you, "___, i don’t think you left him because you didn’t love him... i think you left because, despite everything, you did. that hurt because it meant loving him and putting him before yourself... on top of that, you were at a state where you should have been put first."

you gulp.

she purses her lips and makes her hit.

"___, do you resent yourself for the loss?"

you clench your fist as your therapist rubs salt into your open wounds. "the self-neglect? the stress? the post-partum depression? the insomia—"

"i resent myself for the loss," you admit. "... and i resent jungkook for losing me."

when you arrive home, jungkook is in the kitchen cooking. 

you didn’t expect him to be home. he was supposed to be picking zion up at this time and you were looking forward to some alone time. clearly, you have a lot to think about. as you take off your shoes, jungkook turns his attention to you.

“hi honey,” he smiles brightly. 

truth be told, he had a long day. he was running late this morning and had rushed out the door. as he drove to work, he got annoyed with himself. 

he forgot to kiss you before he left. 

so you can imagine just how excited he is to see you now… especially with all he has planned for tonight. 

“we had a meeting today and it ended early. it went really well so i have some news! also, i picked zion up right after my meeting. took him out for a little father-and-son afternoon... then, i dropped him off at your parents—”

“why would you do that?” you snap, putting your things away.

jungkook chuckles. “uh, maybe because i wanna ask you something tonight…”

your body stiffens.

“but we’ll get to that later! do you want to eat first? i’m cooking your favorite—”

“please stop,” you shut your eyes and take a breath. “jungkook, i had a long day. i’m glad yours was good and you got to bond with zion. i appreciate the effort—i just don’t… i don’t like that you dropped zion off at my parents after picking him up early from daycare. why didn’t you just take him home? and thank you for cooking... but i had a late lunch today, so i’m not hungry.”

“is it so bad i want to spend time with you alone?” jungkook asks, his smile fading. 

jungkook isn’t stupid. 

he knows you’re not in the mood, but he can’t help but push your boundaries a little. besides, communication is always good, right? at least, that’s what he’s been told. 

“it’s okay if you don’t want to eat... as long as you ate today. what did you eat?” he attempts. 

you move past jungkook as he asks you the question. taking out your phone, you check for any missed messages. jungkook’s eyebrows furrow as you ignore him. he catches your waist and guides you against the kitchen counter. grabbing your phone from your hands, he puts it aside.

“woah,” he pouts. “what’s up? why are you acting like this?”

you look at jungkook and hate yourself. his eyes are so kind and full of love. 

you know it. 

you feel it. 

it hurts so bad.

“what’s with the mood?” he asks, more gently this time. 

jungkook moves his hands from your waist to wrap around you. he nuzzles himself into the crook of your neck and hugs you tightly. “if you’re mad at me about something, that’s okay... but be angry here. don’t ignore me. being angry together is better than not being together at all.”

his plea makes your eyes tear up.

this isn’t easy for you either, but to be honest... it’s now or never. tonight, your heart feels especially heavy. you can’t blame it. some people say time heals all wounds—perhaps, this is it. 

this is the time limit.

“can i tell you my news?” he asks, partly trying to stall the conversation and partly because it was good news. 

“sure.”

“i got a job offer,” jungkook says. “i’d have to do an informal interview but it’s basically mine if i want it. they’re setting up a branch in new york. they want me to go there for 3-6 months and help start everything up. guide and mentor the visual director there—”

“that’s amazing—”

“i don’t want it,” jungkook chuckles. “they told me to sleep on it and make my decision in a month. until then, they offered me a raise! isn’t that great?”

your smile drops. 

all of the feelings you’ve been trying to regulate since you stepped out of your therapist's office today feel like they’ve gone out the window. was he serious? he declined such a big step in his career—for a raise? 

“jungkook,” you croak. “do you know why we broke up?”

he pulls away. 

what a fucking switch up. he doesn’t understand. 

for a moment, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. does he reach out to hold yours or keep them by his side? he’s caught off guard. he doesn’t know how to answer you and frankly, he fucking hates this question.

“uh, why are you asking me—”

“what was the other thing?” you ask, already suspecting it. “are you going to ask me to marry you tonight?” you blurt. 

he shoves his hand in his pocket. 

“jungkook, are you asking me to marry you tonight? yes or no?”

he blinks at you. 

his heart is prepared more than ever; “yes.”

“don’t.”

jungkook’s heart drops.

“don’t because you’re saying no or don’t because you want a better proposal?” he attempts to lighten the mood with a smile. he takes his hands out of his pocket and reaches for yours. you don’t let him take it. instead, you shake your head.

“don’t because you don’t even know why we’re broken up.”

instantly, the tension between you two increases. it’s through the roof, actually. it feels like one wrong word, one wrong move, one wrong recalled memory—everything crumbles.

everything fails.

everything faces the end.

“___, i can’t answer your question because i’m not prepared to. honestly, i wasn’t prepared for the break-up. it just happened. it grew into one. ___, you never said, ‘jungkook, it’s over. we’re broken up.’ ... no. you said, ‘jungkook... i can’t breathe anymore. i need air. i need space from us,’ — that’s what you said. but to hell with that, right? we’ve been sleeping together and it’s not like we hate each other. you love me. i know you do... so i really don’t understand why you won’t marry me despite knowing the simple truth—”

you move away from him.

god, it���s so hard to be next to him sometimes. 

heading to the cabinets, you take out a glass and pour yourself some water. drinking it, you hear jungkook sigh and groan in frustration.

“are we really going to fight tonight?” he asks, annoyed.

you shrug and put your water down. “shouldn’t we? it’s kind of overdue.”

jungkook scratches the back of his head. his lips tighten and his mind is already dizzy as he asks;

“___, why did you break up with me?”

a beat.

“i wanted more from you.”

he looks at you confused. “the fuck does that mean? sex?”

you shake your head.

“jungkook, i was moving up with my career. you were constantly annoyed that i was overworking myself and that i only cared about zion. you were always mad at me when i brought up work—especially about yours. you didn’t want more. you refused the promotions and all the different leadership roles. you refused more hours—you refused to grow… just like now.”

jungkook huffs. “is this about money again? we’ve never had issues providing for zion and this lifestyle.”

“again?” you chuckle. “honey, it wasn’t about the money. at least to me, it wasn’t. i love you and would have married you regardless of my career path and yours—”

“then why won’t you marry me? you always say you will but you say shit like this. you know it fucks me up, right? this isn’t fair. you can’t keep changing your mind.”

“it’s not that i don’t know what you are to me and what i want,” you take a deep breath. it feels painful to be right. “it’s that marrying you isn’t going to make any of this easier. at least, not right now.”

his eyes are filled with hope. 

hope that maybe the reason is childish and not what he knows it really is. he hopes it’s because he left one too many socks inches away from the laundry hamper in your bedroom. he hopes it’s because you got tired of him always queuing his karaoke songs in the car before yours. he hopes it’s because (not really) you actually took an interest in nam joon or something.

most of all, he hopes it’s not what he knows it is.

“jungkook, we were disagreeing on everything. you thought i was greedy for wanting more for myself—for our family—”

“so it’s about whether or not i accept the job offer? i still have a month to think about it. i can’t just leave you and zion. you get that, right? i don’t just leave.” jungkook scoffs in disbelief. “and you act like i didn’t just get promoted. i accepted it, didn’t i? i did so to impress you because i love you. i did it to win you back because i love you.”

“but why didn’t you do it for yourself?” you fuse. “why can’t you want more for yourself?”

“___, i love you—”

you hiss, taking a step away from him. “stop saying you love me when you—”

“when i what?” jungkook steadies his tone. “when i made a decision that you didn’t like? ___, i made a practical choice back then. what other option did i have?”

“you chose wrong,” you cry. “is that what you’ve been waiting for me to say? jungkook, you chose wrong because you were afraid! it wasn’t practical. it was safe. you took the settlement, forgave those friends, and looked stupid while doing it. meanwhile, i risked everything. i fucking fought for you! for what? jungkook, it ruined us.”

jungkook shifts, taking a step closer to you. he runs his hands through his hair and groans.

“___, they have a family too. they fucked up and they apologized. i didn’t go through with the lawsuit because regardless if they deserved it—their families didn’t. their children didn’t. for fucks sake, one of them has a daughter zion’s age—”

a sob escapes your lips. 

jungkook’s shoulders slump as he lowers his head. you lower yours too, feeling your tears roll down your cheeks.

“jungkook, i love you,” you weakly admit. “i swear to god, i have never loved anyone more in my life than i have ever loved you. you’re the kindest man i’ve ever met. you empathize with others and put them before your needs. you chased me around like a fucking dog for the last 9 months, completely disregarding any self-respect. truth be told, you gave me a purpose to live. you made me zion’s mom and the love of your life. in so many ways, i don’t deserve you… but i also don’t deserve this. it feels like even when i can't trust you—i still do. it ruins me, jungkook.”

angry, jungkook disagrees.

“what are you fucking talking about—no. don’t say shit like that.”

“you kept me together for so long that i don’t know how to fall apart if you’re not around. jungkook, i had to fall apart. i was so tired then. i was so unhappy and everything you did to hold me together only angered me. it lit this fire inside of me and i felt like i couldn’t touch anything or anyone… why couldn’t you just be sad with me?”

“you fell apart before i could even process what happened—” he recalls, tears threatening his eyes. “___, i was devastated beyond belief. i was sad too. i was afraid too. you don’t think i wanted to cry in bed all day with you? i had to get up. i had to take care of zion and i’m sorry if i held onto you tighter than i should have—but i had to. there was no other way i could’ve lived if i didn’t hold on to you like that. you’re my air. i love you, ___ and in case you didn’t know; it hurt me too. losing our—h-holy fuck. i love you. ___, i love you. please, i love you so much—”

you sob.

you don’t even try to hold yourself together. a heavy cry escapes your lips and jungkook instantly lifts his head and comes to you. he wraps you in his arms as you cry into them.

“i love you,” you whimper. “i don’t blame you for it—really, i don’t. b-but why did you stay? i worked so hard and you chose to stay. i stressed myself out and couldn’t sleep. i felt so betrayed and i wasn’t eating—”

“i know, i know,” he murmurs, holding back his sobs. “i hate myself for it. it was my fault—”

“don’t—”

you pull away and hit his chest. 

your eyes sting from all the crying and your throat feels dry. yet, every fiber inside of you feels like it’s on fire. it feels like you’re burning down the room and all jungkook wants to do is slow dance in it.

“jungkook, when you settled, it took something from us. something beautiful—our second—our time.” you slow your breathing to gather the courage to say it. 

to say everything. 

to say it all and maybe, save it all.

“honey, i d-destroyed and hurt more than you did... and i know you don’t blame me; but am i ever going to stop blaming m-myself?” you sob. “i’m pushed into t-this... corner where it’s all my fault—and it is, you know? if i hadn’t stressed myself over your case and just f-focused on making partner at the firm—if i had just i-ignored the f-feeling of the knife you twisted—it was supposed to be this time around.”

jungkook’s heart breaks.

“9 months...” you say, voice trembling.

“don’t say it like that,” jungkook begs. “my love, i didn’t forget.”

that’s just it.

he hasn’t forgotten either.

yet, his body doesn’t ache like yours does. as much as your heart wants to forgive and find beauty in this tragedy—your body hasn’t healed. all those months ago, when you focused on jungkook’s case and stressed yourself to the bone—you made a mistake. you neglected your health to prioritize everything but yourself.

your breath hitches as you recall everything. a part of you feels relieved to have said it all aloud, but inside, it feels like something has burnt up—like a part of you has died.

you reach for him, cupping his cheeks in your hands. jungkook’s tears spill over, and you gently wipe them away with your thumb.

his body collapses into yours. his sobs wrack his chest as he buries his face in your arms.

jungkook cries for the break-up.

for the hurt that’s grown between you two.

he blames himself even though deep down he knows it’s not his fault.

the ache in his chest feels unbearable. you tighten your hold on him, bracing yourself for what comes next, but before you can speak, your body gives in.

everything does dizzy and you hold your breath.

suddenly, your knees hit the floor, and you collapse in front of jungkook, the weight of it all too much to bear.

“i’m s-sorry,” you choke out. "i can't—fuck. i'm so heartbroken, jungkook. i can't—"

jungkook drops down beside you, pulling you into him. as you cling to each other, you feel his heart racing, his breath catching in his sobs, mirroring your own. he holds you tighter, as if he could take all your pain into himself. if he could, you know he would.

and somehow, in the midst of this overwhelming pain, you feel the strangest thing.

this has to be the most painful moment in your entire relationship, but it’s also the most healing.

after nine months of distance, you finally grieve together.

the grief overwhelms you two.

after what feels like an eternity, you manage to compose yourself, pulling away from his embrace. meanwhile, jungkook is still crying heavily. you reach up, cupping his face in your hands again, wiping the tears from his swollen eyes. he leans into your touch, his lips pressing softly against the palm of your hand, his breathing slowly calming down. but then, he moves closer, and you know what’s coming next.

jungkook tries to kiss you.

you push him away gently, your heart breaking all over again.

“... i think you should go home,” you whisper, your voice tired and cracked.

"___, please—"

"we fought enough tonight. i don't have anything left in me, jungkook... just go."

for a moment, silence hangs in the air, thick with everything left unsaid. there's still more. he swears it. he knows it because his heart races with so many more confessions. so many more things he has to tell you.

like the fact that when you cleared his name, he never felt so loved in his life.

like the fact that when you stressed yourself over him and got upset with his decision—he wanted to take everything back.

like the fact that when he let you cry in bed all day over the loss, he cried as he held and fed zion in the living room.

but now is not the time.

now, the hurt aches and he has to let it. he has to let you fall apart. he has to feel this too because if he doesn't—then he misses it all. he misses everything and he can't do that.

he needs to know.

he needs to learn.

he needs to love.

jungkook swallows hard, his voice barely a whisper. “okay… whatever you want.”

you both stand, your movements slow and heavy. you watch as he gathers his belongings, guilt and disappointment twisting in your stomach. at the door, he pauses, eyes closed as he takes a deep breath.

“what about me?”

his voice breaks the stillness. you feel your heart sink.

“what about you?” you ask softly, though you already know the answer.

“___, i don’t want to go,” he pleads, desperation creeping into his voice. “i… i can’t do this. not again.”

“what do you mean?” you force a weak smile. “this is our first break-up.”

“for real?”

you let out a sad laugh, though it holds no real humor.

“for now.”

jungkook takes a second to compose himself.

“i’m gonna pick up zion and have him sleep over at mine... and it’s okay if you’re still full… just eat a late dinner,” he murmurs softly, eyes cast downward. then, turning toward the door, he looks back one last time, his voice soft but filled with emotion.

“for the record, i thought i was home… but if air, space, and time is what you need, so be it. just know, i hope i’m it in the end. i hope i’m what you need.”

they say the 3-year itch is when the sand timer runs out. it takes two people to flip it over and restart the clock. at your 3-year itch with jungkook, suddenly your careers were where you two scratched.

then, the plagiarism accusations came along. as horrible as it was, you thought this was the perfect opportunity to show jungkook how much you love him. how much were you willing to do for him, and how much could your career benefit you two? at the peak of all this, you didn’t know it.

you were carrying more than just work.

at 5 weeks, 1 week after jungkook settled—time was up.

jungkook sits in his car, crying and staring at the ring that should be on your finger. he can’t help but feel all the sides of it. he shoves it back inside the box and opens the glove compartment. throwing it in, he continues to reflect. 

was he insensitive? was he so wrong about not wanting to take the job? the proposal was ill-timed, but was he crazy? weren’t you two doing better? … were you hurting all by yourself this entire time? of course, he hurt too. he was just grieving differently… does that make this his fault? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. in the end, losing something is still losing something. 

truth be told, it’s no one’s fault. 

yet, jungkook hits his steering wheel and continues to sob. he wants to blame something. he needs to. as he searches, his heart screams out;

time.

[dancingdanvers]

Sloane chewed her bottom lip as she listened to Joseph talk about how there were options, not looking at him but instead staring down at her hands which were clasped together in her lap. She’d had a similar sentiment expressed to her before Ryen was even born by her midwife because she’d had an increased level of anxiety about if she was going to be able to breastfeed her daughter at all, but that had all turned out okay. So the redhead had heard about how the options were there to be used in whatever way was best with none being more important than another but that didn’t stop her feelings of guilt bubbling away. “It’s just because obviously I have to be so careful when I’m feeding her, plus it has to be me when I’m breastfeeding but if it was formula then the nanny could do it, or Axel.” Plus the medication she’d been feeling itchy to take again could do some real damage to the baby if she fed her with that in her system. “I’m a stay at home mom, I mean if I’m not feeding my daughter then I’m just….” She shrugged, the word useless on the tip of her tongue as she sniffed. “Doesn’t matter.” 

Pressure to be perfect - that was hardly new to Sloane. As in it was what she did to herself her entire life, convinced that anything less would be a complete failure. That was no difference with being a mom either. “Is it enough though?” Finally she looked up, her gaze catching his, it almost made her flinch just because he’d always seen straight through her. Sure that was his job, that was why he was employed, but it made her feel so exposed in these moments. She shook her head, hands in her lap starting to twist together. He said she wasn’t going crazy but it sure as hell felt like she was, more each day even which was the opposite of what was meant to happen as postpartum hormones abated, right? “What if I’m not actually doing more though? I mean you say I’m balancing motherhood, my relationship, my health, my passions….but what if I’m actually just doing all of them a disservice because I’m trying to do them all. So I end up doing none of them properly.” This was an indication of the way her brain had been spinning out the last few months when she stopped to think too much. The slide down with the words ‘what if’ screaming at her from her inner monologue, and with the issues that had come up with Axel’s work she felt like she was doing even worse because she had no idea how to help her own boyfriend. “It’s like….I don’t know…swimming through….mud. And now all I’m doing is sat here complaining which isn’t productive - at all!” @josephxwade

Joseph leaned back in his chair, observing Sloane with a calm, measured expression. He knew her well enough by now to understand that trust didn’t come easily to her. It had taken years for her to open up like this, and even now, he could sense her wariness, the instinct to guard herself. It wasn’t unusual for her to second-guess his intentions, and he respected that. In her world, vulnerability had often been met with exploitation, and he was keenly aware of the delicate balance they needed to maintain. He nodded slowly, considering her words about Ryen and the possibility of transitioning to formula. “Sloane, I understand how hard this is for you,” he began, his tone gentle but firm. “You’ve been incredibly dedicated to Ryen, and the thought of making any changes to her care is understandably overwhelming. But I want you to know that we have options. It’s not about what’s better or worse—it's about finding what works best for both of you. If you feel that continuing to breastfeed is important, then we’ll explore other ways to manage things. But if you think moving her to formula could relieve some pressure, we can look into that as well. What matters most is that you’re in a stable place where you can be the best version of yourself for Ryen.”

He let her words about working out and dancing more sink in, noting the underlying anxiety in her tone. “It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect, Sloane. You’ve always been driven, but sometimes that drive can turn into a double-edged sword. It’s okay to have moments where you feel like you’re not doing enough. We all have those. What’s important is recognizing that you’re doing your best, and that’s enough. It’s okay to feel like you’re just getting by sometimes.”

Joseph leaned forward slightly, trying to catch her gaze. “What I’m hearing is that you’re struggling with feeling like you’re falling short, but Sloane, you’re doing more than you realize. You’re balancing motherhood, your relationship, your health, and your passions. That’s a lot to handle, and it’s okay to ask for help. Whether that’s through adjustments in your routine, medication, or just giving yourself permission to not be perfect all the time—we’ll find the right path together. You don’t have to carry this burden alone. You also have to remember that this is normal after a major adjustment like having a child, you're not going crazy, I promise.” @dancingdanvers

[lila-rae]

TW: depression

Can I be real and say that postpartum depression fucking sucks.

Because while it also means I cry multiple times a day most of the time without the words to express why I’m crying, it is also making me more irritable with my kids. And I hate feeling like that towards them because I love them so much but also I just want to be left alone to stare at a wall and not touched by anyone for like a whole hour and then I feel guilty and so I cry and it’s a viscous cycle that continues.

There’s just endless sadness, anxiety, irritability, and guilt. And why is human design this way??? It’s bullshit

[applejuicefruit]

one where the reader has just given birth to her first child with kylian, and she has a kind of "postpartum depression", she is very insecure about her body, she is exhausted by the new routine, and whenever she has to breastfeed she cries because her breasts are still sensitive and etc... she hesitates to talk to kylian about it, but after a while he brings it up again to understand what is going on with her, they talk about everything and he comforts and cares her... if u can, please.

I love this request so much 😭

Tw: postpartum depression, depression in general, anxiety, reader being self conscious

Kylian Mbappe x reader

The way you are

Two months ago your life completely changed.

You and Kylian were expecting your first child and you were both thrilled, excited and scared. It was a rollercoaster of emotions but you couldn’t wait to meet the new addition to the family. Two months ago and you gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy, Samuel, and you couldn’t be happier. He was Kylian’s twin. But now it was hard for you to get used to the new routine. It wasn’t only waking up in the middle of the night because your baby needed to be changed or fed. It was all the stress that came with the pregnancy. Everyone felt like women had to be happy they welcomed a new life on earth, had to be joyful that the pain they went through for nine months was finally over and had to know everything about taking care of a new born - but it wasn’t like that, these past two months have been hitting you really hard, both mentally and physically.

You were grateful for Kylian to be there every time you needed him, he was such a good father and a very fast learner. His family did helped you a lot too. His mom knew how much having kids could be exhausting so she made sure to watch the baby a couple days so you could rest without getting worried of being woke up.

But still, even if you had free times your mind couldn’t seem to stop. It was a constant fight between you and your brain.

Everytime you looked in the mirror you couldn’t stand the person in front of you. It wasn’t you. You didn’t recognized her. Your body got bigger with the pregnancy, your breast fuller and your legs and feet were always sore.

Breastfeeding was a living hell for you. You thought it would give you joy seeing your baby being so healthy and hungry but you hated those moments and you couldn’t help but think that something was definitely wrong with you. Your breast was always so sensitive and it hurt when Sammy was feeding that you cried every single time. You were always tired more than you were when you were pregnant. The baby took a lot of energy from you.

Kylian noticed that you became quieter and he honestly didn’t like it. You were usually a very talkative person, always bright and joyful, your positive aura protecting you and all the people around you so he started questioning what was going on with you. He waited for you to open up with him but when he saw that you didn’t he broke the silence and made the first move.

“Hey baby…” he approached you one night when you were both in bed, Samuel falling asleep in Kylian’s arms just thirty minutes earlier.

“Hey…” you whispered, completely exhausted.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked laying in bed next to you. You nodded.

“You would tell me if something is wrong, right?” he asked, trying to slowly approach the topic.

“Yes why?” you asked him a bit confused.

“I’m not judging you okay? But…I feel like you’re getting distant from me, from everyone actually and I’m a bit worried…is everything okay baby?” he asked you.

No. Nothing is okay you wanted to say. But you couldn’t complain about it because in your mind, doing all of these painful and tiring things for your baby, would have been absolutely worth it for him in the future, so as a mother you should have endured the pain and going on.

“Yes everything is okay Kylian” you lied.

“Babe please tell me what’s going on? I know you’re not okay I can see that…I just wanna help” he begged you because he hated seeing you like that.

“You wanna help me? Go and breastfeed your child!” you shouted, completely forgetting about the walls you built up and letting all of your emotions coming out “go and look at yourself in the mirror and stand there, staring at someone who’s not you but at the same time looks exactly like you! Take care of Samuel every time he needs to be fed because my breast can’t take it anymore! It hurt Kylian! It hurt so fucking much you have no idea and there’s nothing I can do about it because I am a mom and I shouldn’t be complaining because these are normal things to do but I can’t do it! It’s fucking exhausting and I feel so bad because all I want to do is love my child but I feel like I can’t do it because of all of the pain I’m going though…you have no idea Kylian how every single inch of my body hurts!” you said, completely breaking down.

Kylian was shocked and hurt because he wished he realised sooner that this new routine was completely killing you.

“Baby…hear me out. I love you and that’s not gonna change. I loved your body before and I love your body now because it’s yours. It’s you y/n and I love you just the way you are…” he said holding you in his arms “I’m so sorry you feel this way baby, I really am…I wish I could do something for helping you with the pain…we can try some massages if you want to? I’m open to do anything in my power to make you feel comfortable” he said from the bottom of his heart because he couldn’t stand the idea of you being in pain “what you’re going through it’s normal baby…a lot of women go through postpartum depression and I think talking with a specialist might help you, only if you’re up for it, it’s up to you, but whatever you decide to do I’m here, to help you and support you. You’re not alone in this okay?” he softly said while leaving gentle kisses to your neck.

You calmed down listening to his voice and you were so grateful for having someone like him by your side.

“Thank you Kylian” you said wiping your tears away.

“Don’t thank me baby…I’m here, I will always be here for you, and Sammy, you two are the most important people in my life and I love you so much” he said truthfully.

You fell asleep in his arms, while he softly massaged your back and neck, trying to ease the pain.

[hazbin-mpreg]

Before I post this, just know it’s my own personal head canon of Angel Dust as a parent.

TW: body dysphoria, postpartum anxiety, depression, and mentions of breastfeeding.

So when I first started role playing Angel, I always had it to where Angel mainly breastfeeds his kiddos, and while I still see him doing so, I also feel like he prefers to bottle feed. Angel’s body is never his own, it’s constantly being used by Val, or to feed his child and quite frankly as much as he loves his kids, he also just wants to have his body to himself.

Though with the thought of bottle feeding his babies also comes on the anxiety and depression. Constantly questioning if he’s doing the right thing, if he should just stick to one or the other, etc.

I think what finally makes him realizes it’s okay to prefer bottle feeding is when Charlie mentions fed is best, while she doesn’t 100% understand what Angel is going through, she also knows that Angel is a human and just trying to figure out what works for him.

[judasofsuburbia]

tw: postpartum depression. small panic attack.

“robin, you’re scaring me a little bit,” nancy whispers.

robin takes in a startled breath and turns her head around to face her wife. nancy’s hair is wrapped up in a cotton t-shirt and her body is wrapped in a pink fluffy robe. it’s the first shower she’s been able to take in days.

robin’s shower routine has fallen behind as well but her body’s still numb from it all. she doesn’t recognize her filth yet. she’s barely aware of anything outside of joan.

“spaced out,” robin admits with a weak smile.

nancy steps forward quietly and tucks herself under robin’s arm. she smells sweet like cookies, probably the lotion karen got her for christmas. robin inhales deeply and tries to feel something, anything.

the only thing robin has felt since they brought their baby girl home a week ago is worry. the family and friends have all left, leaving robin and nancy to watch for their daughter by themselves. it’s what they planned. it’s what they wanted. still, robin can’t imagine doing anything that’s not making sure joan is breathing. she can’t imagine going back to work. she can’t imagine putting the care of their child in someone else’s hands. it’s just worry after worry, anxiety piling up so high in her chest she can feel it at the back of her throat. it’s all so scary, so her body has chosen to feel numb. she doesn’t feel like herself at all.

she finds herself jolting awake if she’s passed out for longer than an hour. she finds herself barely able to eat. she finds herself moving sluggishly from room to room. ears perked and waiting for a piercing cry. waiting to soothe. waiting to be useful.

“c’mon, we should get some sleep,” nancy advises.

“not tired,” robin mumbles unconvincingly.

nancy huffs a laugh of disbelief. “yeah, okay.”

“you go sleep, i’ll stay here,” robin says almost robotically. there’s a pause.

“baby,” nancy whispers.

robin looks down at nancy’s pleading eyes and finally feels a pang in her chest. feels everything rising to the surface at once. tears are rolling down her cheeks causing nancy to click her tongue and bring her hands up to wipe them away.

“you’re exhausted, baby,” nancy whispers. “you gotta go rest.”

“can’t,” robin chokes out, kind of loud. they both flinch and turn their heads to joan. she continues to sleep soundly with the mobile twinkling soft melodies above her.

she’s just so small…so fragile.

robin feels nancy pulling her gently toward the door so her cries don’t wake her. nancy leads them into the hall just outside and cracks the door. she brings robin in close, tucking her head into her throat, as robin sobs and sobs. ugly, panicky sobs. she’s hardly catching her breath, practically suffocating herself into the fabric of nancy’s robe. nancy’s calmly rubbing her back and shoulders. shushing her comfortingly.

robin’s not sure how long they stand there. how long her meltdown lasts. but eventually, she comes up for air and wipes her face on her sweatshirt sleeve. nancy’s smiling gently at her.

“she’s going to be okay,” nancy reminds her. “we have a monitor in our room. we’ll know if something happens.”

these are all facts that robin knows. facts that her brain refuses to acknowledge.

“she…” robin mumbles. “she’s so…helpless.”

nancy strokes her hair, fingers getting caught in some of the mangled knots. robin appreciates it because the slight tugging reminds her nerves that she’s alive.

“then it’s good that she has us to help her,” nancy says. “but we can’t help her if we can’t help ourselves.”

oh no, oh god. robin did fuck up. robin's not doing enough. robin's not being enough. robin shakes her head, feels more tears stinging her eyes. “i’m doing it all wrong,” she croaks.

“no,” nancy whispers. “no, no, no.” nancy presses kind kisses to either cheek and softly rubs their noses together. “you’re so good to her. you’re so good to her, baby. you carried her, you grew her. and now we’re going to love her and take care of her. forever, okay? she’s going to be with us forever. so we can’t sacrifice our wellbeing for her right now. just come to bed with me. please?”

nancy’s words are trying so hard to sink into robin but there’s a wall up, blocking them and hurtling them away. her head starts to throb for many reasons, probably. so, she blindly trusts the only thing she knows wholeheartedly. nancy.

“okay,” robin whispers.

nancy leads her to their room. it smells like lavender from an oil diffuser and there’s only the soft glow of the bedside lamps illuminating everything. nancy pulls back the covers and guides robin to lay down. nancy changes into some pajamas as robin stares blankly at the ceiling. robin can hear the mobile singing softly through the monitor. a song that’s been on a quiet non-stop loop in robin’s brain for the last week. it’s oddly calming.

her eyes are heavy. her body is heavy. her mind is heavy.

nancy turns the light off and crawls in beside her. she pulls robin in close and holds her with gentle, grounding strength. tucks the blanket up to her chin. robin feels her lips press into her forehead. robin finally feels light like a feather. she lets her body succumb to the exhaustion and finally fall asleep in the arms of the one thing she knows.

[roseofdarknessblog]

Monsters and Heroes (Reiner Braun x Marleyan!Reader)

Word count: 5 400

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

A/N: Huge thanks to @wyvernslovecake for inspiring this story! Soft dad Reiner with his little princess has my whole heart! ❤️

TW: mentions of birth trauma, postpartum depression

Summary: You and Reiner were very well aware, that raising a child is going to be challenging. Although most days were filled with nothing but love and fun, there came days when you had to re-open old wounds, just to let your daughter know what the world she was born into used to look like back in the day.

This story can be read on its own or as a part of my little post-war series: House by the ocean

Monsters and Heroes

„Honey, watch your steps. You’re going to trip and fall down again,“ you said to your four-year-old daughter, who kept looking over her shoulder in your direction. It has always been her little thing – walking a few steps ahead and looking back, to see if you were still following. „And if you rip your dress, daddy is not going to be happy. You know this one is his favorite and he loves it, when you wear it.“

„He can buy me a new one,“ Maya replied without even thinking about the answer and gave you the cutest little smile. The bright yellow dress with tiny little white flowers was Reiner’s favorite from the moment he got it for his little princess. And you completely understood why. „Right, mommy?“

„I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him when he later comes home from work.“

„I wish he didn’t have to work so often, so he could be home with me.“

You smiled, tucking a few strands of loose hair behind your ear. It was a beautiful summer day – not too hot thanks to the light breeze, which was coming from the ocean. „You know he loves his job. And besides, he would be bored if he stayed home all the time, don’t you think?“

„No,“ Maya said and looked over at you again. You were on the way back home from the farmer’s market, which was one of her favorite places ever. She simply loved looking around, asking tons of questions, and saying hello to everyone who she passed by. Animals including. „I would keep him busy. We could play all day.“

Over time, Reiner got really friendly with the owner of the nearby farm, from where you first got your ducklings – way back when you moved here from Marley after the Rumbling and started a new life. And as their friendship got stronger, the owner offered him a job. As he was getting older and needed help more often, he wanted someone, who he could trust. And Reiner was just the right man for that position. With a pretty decent income came many more benefits as well. But the most important thing was, that Reiner was happy.

While you stayed home with your daughter, occasionally earning some extra money by selling your paintings and tending to the house, he worked five days a week and had the weekends off. That’s when the farmer’s sons usually came to visit him, so he had somebody else to help with the things that couldn’t wait until Monday morning.

And even though you never had tons of money to spend, you lived happily. You could always afford all the things you needed while living a slow and peaceful life, both of you doing something you truly enjoyed.

But the most important thing above all was your daughter – Maya Braun, whose birth almost cost you your own life. After nearly bleeding out shortly after delivering her, and then spending almost three weeks in the hospital due to many other complications, you had to face something even more horrific. You’ve barely heard about a condition called postpartum depression until you had to face it yourself. Not to mention the overwhelming anxiety and quilt, which keep you company for many months to come. Maya was nearly one year old when you finally started to feel like yourself again.

You had to face many hardships, to have the happy life you lived today. But with the help of your partner, his mother, and Pieck, who moved close by with her dad a couple of months after Maya was born, you did it. You slowly recovered and got to enjoy your new life, not taking anything for granted.

„Will Pieck come over today? She promised to braid my hair and put some flowers in it.“

„Not today, I think,“ you said, walking up the little hill to your house, which was situated on top of a cliff. The view from your garden was the best part, it overlooked the ocean in all its beauty. „But if you want your hair braided, I can do it. We can even pick some flowers in the garden.“

„No, Pieck does it better,“ Maya stated, looking back at you once more. She stumbled a little almost immediately but didn’t fall. She just twirled around a bit with a heartwarming laugh and continued walking as if nothing happened. „I’ll wait for her. Or for daddy, he can do it just as nicely.“

„Well, okay then,“ you smiled and shook your head.

She made every day of your life so worth it. As she was getting older and started exploring the world around her more and more, you simply loved to watch her every step. And Reiner was the same. He spent every possible second with his baby girl, always carrying her around on his shoulders and making her laugh until both of them could hardly catch their breaths.

She really was the happiest, when she was with her dad. And not only now, but ever since she was a baby. At first, you were pretty bummed about it and blamed yourself, for not being able to bond with your daughter right after birth. But as you saw how effortlessly Reiner cared for her and loved her, how much happiness his daughter brought into his life, you slowly let go of your dark thought. Seeing both of them happy was, after all, the most important thing.

Recovering from his past took Reiner a lot of time, but after many battles, he succeeded. Sometimes, there were moments he remembered something or got sad, but you couldn’t even compare it to the state he was in during the Marley Mid-East War or after the Rumbling. Maya truly healed his heart and mind in ways even you couldn’t. And just simply by being born and being his daughter, who took after him in many ways. Her blonde hair, nose, and lips looked so much like Reiner’s. Not to say her eyes, which started to turn the color of honey gold when she was about six months old. There was no denying, that she was Reiner’s daughter.

„Grandma said she’ll bake that cherry pie I love so much and bring some over in the evening.“

„Yeah, she’ll stay over for dinner as well,“ you answered, finally seeing your house on the top of the hill. Walking up here when you were in town during pregnancy was a true nightmare. „Will you help me cook something good for her?“

Maya excitedly nodded and when she too finally saw your house, she started running towards it, screaming for your ducks. She loved them to death, always playing with them and carrying them around the garden or the house when they were still little.

„Mommy, you’re taking forever!“ she shouted for you, shoving open the wooden gate. It was painted white and decorated with colorful flowers and butterflies, she helped you paint. On one of the wooden boards were three colorful handprints – Reiner’s, Maya’s, and yours in the colors orange, yellow, and red.

„You don’t have to wait for me, go check the ducks and ask them what they did while we were away.“

„They surely missed me so much.“

„Of course, they did, honey.“

While she raced to the back of the garden, which was reserved for the ducks, you stopped to check the mailbox. For almost seven years now, you were expecting at least a single letter from your father. A former Marleyan soldier, who was taken hostage by the Eldians from the Liberio Internment zone, when the Rumbling started. Only thanks to that did you and he got the chance to travel with them to Fort Salta and survive.

But after everything, he turned his back on you because of Reiner. It was humiliating for him, that his only daughter fell in love with an Eldian. Not to say with Reiner Braun. You tried to make amends with him throughout the years by writing him every week and even going back to his new home in Marley. But he avoided you at all costs. At that time, you were already pregnant without anyone knowing. Even Reiner got to hear the exciting news just after you came back.

After giving birth and almost losing your life, it was Reiner, who wrote to your father and begged him, to come and see you. But not even such horrific news convinced him to contact you. After some time, you somehow accepted it. He was simply not interested in you anymore. He rather lived alone, than accepted Reiner into the family. Not even the fact, that you named Maya after your late mother, who died when you were still a child, interested him.

And so almost seven years went by, without you and your father speaking a single word. You kept sending him letters, where you wrote about your life, about Maya, and sometimes about nothing important at all. But you kept sending the letters in the hope that one day he’ll respond.

With a sigh, you closed the empty mailbox, made your way into the house, and started putting away everything you bought at the farmer’s market. Maya was running in and out of the house, laughing and squealing just like always. Some of the ducks were following her, running around your legs, just like they used to, when they were following Reiner around.

You could barely settle her down to eat some lunch, without the urge to run away and do millions of other things in between every bite she took. However, the good thing was, that after lunch she usually only lasted another half an hour. After that, she always came to you for a hug and then voluntarily retreated to her room to take a nap, which sometimes lasted up to two hours. You went to check on her ten minutes after she’s gone to bed, finding her fast asleep under a blanket with little cherry blossoms, Reiner’s mom crocheted for her even before she was born.

Your relationship with Karina Braun was at a point, you never thought it would get to. After she realized just how wrong and selfish she acted towards her own son, and started trying to mend their relationship, everything changed. Even more, after she accepted the fact, that Reiner fell in love with a Marleyan girl. The two of you sat down to talk many times and slowly started to build a nice and solid relationship.

It was difficult in the beginning, but all of you tried your best. Mainly Reiner, who after all those years wanted to finally have a healthy relationship with his mother. And you were forever thankful to Karina, for being here after Maya was born and you were still in the hospital or recovering at home. She truly helped Reiner a lot by taking care of the house, her newborn granddaughter, and you as well, after you came home.

After you went to check on Maya and confirmed, she was soundly asleep like usual, you did some work around the house that needed to be done, and then crashed onto the sofa with your new book. It was a really hot summer day, so doing anything required too much energy.

The heat soon make you drowsy and your eyelids so heavy, you had to close them. One second you were reading your novel or wandering somewhere between reality and a dream, the next somebody was gently kissing your forehead and stroking your cheek.

„What time is it?“ you asked, sleepily opening your eyes and seeing your husband. Yes, husband. You became Mrs. Braun just a couple of days after Maya celebrated her second birthday. The wedding was small and simple, just like both of you wished it to be. „How are you already home? Where is Maya?“

Reiner chuckled at all of your questions, laying down on the couch between your legs and resting his head on your chest. „She’s still asleep, I just checked. And I finished early today, so don’t worry. You didn’t miss anything.“

„Great,“ you breathed out, still half asleep, and ran your fingers through his hair, smoothing it down a bit. „How was your day? It was really hot.“

„Pretty good. I had a lot to do, so there was literally no time to think about the heat.“

„And you still managed to finish early?“ you asked, lovingly caressing his nape and sliding your fingers under his shirt. You could feel his body relax against yours, his eyes closing almost immediately.

„I wanted to be with my favorite girls.“ You smiled at the tone of his voice. It was so gentle and full of love, just like always when talking to you or his daughter. „Mom is coming over for dinner.“

„I know, Maya reminded me as well. She can’t wait for your mom’s cherry pie.“

Reiner immediately lifted his head from your chest. „She’s bringing some?“ With a laugh, you nodded your head and tried to prop yourself up on your elbows, to give him a kiss.

Both he and Maya loved everything Karina baked or cooked. Sometimes even more, than what you made for them. But that was more than okay. Even if you tried your best, the kitchen was never your natural habitat. Not that Reiner would be any better. He tried and successfully learned some basics, but that was it. He really wasn’t pushing his luck around the stove or the cutting board.

„And how was your day? Did my princess behave?“

„She did, yeah. You know how much she loves going to the farmer’s market. So she had the time of her life there, we picked up a lot of things I needed and then she just chased the ducks around the garden and the house until she got tired.“

„I would love to have her stamina sometimes, she really has more energy than you and me combined.“

„Definitely,“ you nodded, kissing the tip of Reiner’s nose. His smile warmed your heart more than words could describe. „Oh, and she turned down my offer to braid her hair. You and Pieck do it better.“

„What a nice compliment,“ Reiner smirked, while one of his hands slipped under your summer dress and squeezed your thigh. „You always loved when I braided your hair. Mainly when you were pregnant, remember?“ You nodded, biting down on your lower lip when Reiner slid his hand a bit higher, his eyes hungrily looking at you. „Since Maya is still asleep...“

„She’s going to wake up any minute now,“ you reminded him, stopping his hand before it went any higher.

„Or not,“ Reiner objected and before you knew it, he put away your book and rolled up your dress. His lips pressed to your left inner thigh, making you gasp for air in surprise. „I think we have enough time to...“

„Mommy!“ Both of you were startled when your daughter screamed for you. Her voice sounded a little urgent and scared. Almost as if she was on the verge of tears.

„I’ll go,“ Reiner said and swiftly stood up, giving you a gentle kiss. You watched him walk into your daughter’s room, while you sat up and adjusted your dress. „Y/N,“ your husband called for you.

Without hesitation you stood up and joined them, sitting down on the edge of her bed. Your little girl was clinging to Reiner, tears streaming down her chubby cheeks. Karina said, that Reiner used to have them as well when he was this age.

„What is it, baby? What happened?“ you asked her, caressing her back, while she was hugging Reiner around the neck. „Did you have a bad dream?“ She nodded, while Reiner kissed the top of her head and hid her in his embrace the best he could. That helped every single time and in every situation. Just like you, Maya knew, that being in Reiner’s arms meant being safe from the whole world and loved beyond words.

„Do you want to tell us what that dream was about?“ he asked her in a gentle voice, kissing the top of her head once again.

„Take your time, it’s okay,“ you assured her and leaned closer, so she would feel your presence even without looking at you. „You know we won’t let anything happen to you, baby. Never.“

It took some time and many kisses from both you and Reiner, but she eventually told you. Still crying a little the whole time, she told you about what she heard from two women at the farmer’s market today. It all happened, while you were talking to one of your friends there and didn’t pay that much attention to your surroundings. Maya was right there beside you holding onto your skirt as she typically used to, so it didn’t even occur to you, that she could have heard something disturbing.

„Were they telling the truth?“ she asked with a quivering lip, looking from Reiner to you and waiting for an answer.

From what Maya told you, it was obvious that those women were talking about Titans and about the Rumbling. About the past, you and Reiner lived through and still vividly remembered. And it was also the past Maya knew nothing about. There was no need to tell her such things – not yet. However, you and Reiner both knew, that there will come a time to sit her down and tell her the most important details of your past.

„Did you see those monsters?“

Reiner looked at you, before nodding slightly. „Yes, we did,“ you said, closing your eyes just for a second.

Remembering those times was never easy. Not for you, an ordinary Marleyan girl, who survived only thanks to the Eldians from the Liberio Internmnent zone. And surely not for Reiner, who actually fought in the Battle of Heaven and Earth, as the people used to refer to the final effort of the Marleyan military, the Warriors, and members of the Survey Corps from Paradis to stop the Rumbling. Sometimes, when you closed your eyes, you were back at Fort Salta in Marley and you could see the Founding Titan and his army of giant steaming Titans getting closer and closer.

Some nights you still had nightmares about Eren Jeager and what he did to the world. And even after all those years, you tried not to hate him for that. Only because you didn’t know enough about him and his life to have the right to do it.

„They were very scary, just like those women said,“ you continued, stroking Maya’s head and leaning against Reiner. He seemed a little uncomfortable, but you couldn’t blame him. The past he was so eagerly trying to forget for almost seven years, was now back and trying to haunt his beloved daughter. „But they are gone for good, honey. Those monsters are never coming back, I can assure you.“

„Really?“

„Yes, really,“ Reiner assured her in a calm voice. „You will never have to face them.“

„And you know why?“ you asked a little more cheerfully, kissing her cheek and wiping away a couple more tears. „Because daddy took care of it. He fought those monsters and made sure they don’t hurt anybody ever again.“ Her little eyes lit up as she looked at Reiner in astonishment. „Daddy, Pieck, Gabi, Falco, and some of their friends fought those monsters and made them disappear forever. A couple of years before you were born and before me and daddy came to live here.“

„What about you?“

„Me?“

Maya nodded. „What were you doing?“ She looked from Reiner to you, waiting for your answer eagerly.

„Well... me, grandma, Pieck’s dad, and many other people were cheering on them from a huge, huge nearby cliff. From there we saw everything.“ You tried to make it all sound like a fairytale with a happy ending. But that was far from the truth. Even though you and Reiner got your happy ending, the Rumbling was something this world will never forget.

„Those women said, that the biggest monster was called Eren.“

Shivers ran down your back when you heard his name from your daughter’s mouth. At first, you didn’t even dare to look at Reiner. „I knew that Eren before all of that, and I can assure you, princess, that he was no monster. Just other people made him do bad things.“

„That’s right, daddy and Eren knew each other when they were young. They were friends.“ You looked at Reiner with love in your eyes, giving him a gentle smile.

„But then we didn’t talk for a couple of years and the last time we saw each other, we had to fight against one another. Sometimes...“

When he took a deep breath but didn’t continue after a while, you took over once again. „Sometimes people change. Or they are forced to do things, they don’t want to do. They just don’t have any other choice if they want to protect their family or friends.“

Both of you knew, that Reiner had his fair share of guilt in everything that happened. But looking back at his story, you could never blame him. Not, when he was brainwashed by his own mother and then the military as well. All that little boy wanted, was to bring his father home. Because of that dream, which was falsely made up by Karina, he got the Armored Titan when he was only ten years old. His whole childhood was lost to military training and a suicide mission to Paradis, which started all of the events, that ultimately led to the Rumbling itself.

„And are you angry at him for doing so many bad things?“ Maya asked Reiner, her cheeks still stained with drying tears. At least she wasn’t crying anymore. „Those women said he was very cruel.“

„He had his reasons,“ Reiner said, his voice trembling a little. None of you ever thought, that you would be having this conversation with her this soon. That’s why you weren’t prepared. Or else... how could anybody explain such an event to a four-year-old? „People who didn’t know him should never judge him. Times were hard back then, the world was a much uglier place than it is now.“

„Why?“

„Because...“

When Reiner didn’t continue, you tried to say something. But no words came out of your mouth. What were you supposed to say? That people like you wanted people like Reiner dead? That your military was punishing them, by turning them into said monsters? That even you for so many years hated people like Reiner and wished nothing but the worst for them?

„Because the past is almost always uglier, baby. Then people learn to do better, so the world can be prettier and safer,“ you said finally, while Maya climbed over to you and hugged you just as tight as Reiner before. „If you ever hear something similar, tell me or daddy about it, okay? So we can sit down and explain it to you. That way you won’t have nightmares.“

Maya nodded, but for the rest of the day, she barely moved from you or Reiner. Even Karina noticed that something wasn’t right with her granddaughter when she came over for dinner. So when Reiner and Maya went to wish the ducks good night, you told her what happened and asked her, not to mention anything in front of Maya.

She was still too young and innocent for all of that. And you wanted to keep it that way for a couple more years.

You were just about to get into bed when Reiner appeared at the door leading to your bedroom. „Is she finally asleep?“

„I had to read her almost half of that big fairytale book. My eyes started to close halfway through the second story, but I had to keep going, she was still watching me with eyes wide open.“

You smiled, sitting down on the bed. „Guess I’ll have to pay more attention next time and just pull her away when I hear something similar. I really didn’t notice what they were talking about.“

„Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it. I think we handled it pretty well.“

„But I don’t want her to know, Reiner. Not yet. She is still so little.“

It was only natural, that you wanted to protect your daughter. She and Reiner were the most precious people in your life, and you wanted nothing but happiness for both of them. They deserved it – life in a world, that was always full of sunshine instead of dark stormy clouds.

Reiner shrugged and came to sit down next to you. „Who knows, maybe it will be better this way. Randomly telling her bits and pieces over the years, so she can put them all together later on her own. And then, if she has questions, we’ll sit down and talk about everything.“ One of his arms wrapped around your shoulders, bringing you closer to him. „You can’t lock her into a golden cage so nothing ever happens to her, Y/N. We have to let her grow up and explore the world. Even its ugly parts.“

„I know,“ you breathed out, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. „It just hurts seeing her sad, scared, or in pain.“

Since Reiner only nodded but didn’t say anything, you stayed quiet too. It was more than obvious, that he felt the same unease about this whole situation as you. He just tried not to show it and be strong for you. But talking about that day and about Eren surely hit pretty close to home.

„I’ll go shower and get ready for bed. Will you wait for me or are you too tired?“

You smiled and kissed the warm skin on his neck. „Of course, I’ll wait for you, take all the time you need.“ When you pulled away from his embrace, Reiner bowed his head a little and found your lips in a sweet kiss. „I love you so much.“

„I love you too,“ he whispered into your lips, giving you one more kiss before he stood up and went into the bathroom.

When he finally put the lights out and made himself comfortable, you were half asleep. But still conscious enough, to cuddle up to him, wrap one of your arms around his body and rest your head on his chest. Falling asleep like this is what you missed most during pregnancy when your belly got too big.

„There’s something I wanted to talk about,“ Reiner said after a short while, his fingers playing with your hair. „It looks like Armin and the others are going to Paradis again. In the next couple of months. You know... to talk to Historia, maintain the still fragile bond Paradis has with the outside world.“ You nodded, feeling him tense up. „Pieck asked if I’ll come along as well.“

The last time he went there, Maya was just a few months old and he still worried about you and your health. He was thinking about not going, but you and Karina promised, that everything will be okay during the time he’s gone. And so he went, together with his old friends and comrades. They met with the queen and began the peace talks between Paradis and the outside world.

„Do you want to go?“ you asked, drawing all kinds of lines and shapes onto his chest with your fingers.

„I’m not sure. I don’t want to leave you and Maya here.“

„We’ll be fine, just like last time. Don’t worry about us so much, we can handle many things, Reiner. After all... we are the Braun girls.“

„Yeah, you are,“ he chuckled and kissed the top of your head. „I told Pieck I’ll think about it and let them know. Not that they can’t handle it without me.“

You still remembered how hard it was for him to go back the first time. Because of you and Maya, but because of his own past as well. He feared the worst, and you knew it. Even if he never told you. But when he came back after almost three weeks, you saw how content he was. Maybe even a bit happy, that he overcame his fear and went there. Back to the place, which held so many painful memories.

„You know, maybe it would be good if you...“

Before you could finish what you were saying, the door to your bedroom opened slightly and closed back when a four-year-old girl slipped inside. She quietly made her way to your bed and climbed up, walking over to you and Reiner.

„Princess, if I have to read you another fairytale, I’m going to fall asleep before we get to the end,“ Reiner said and outstretched his free hand toward her. Maya grabbed it with her much smaller hand and flopped down right onto Reiner’s chest.

„What’s the matter?“ you asked her, stroking the hair out of her face and switching on the lamp on your nightstand.

She slightly pushed out her bottom lip, hugging her favorite doll with her other hand. It was her favorite from the moment she got it – almost a year back when Jean and Connie came to visit and brought it for her. She immediately fell in love with both of them and was very sad, after they left.

„Can I sleep with you tonight?“ she finally asked, looking at you and then at her father. And that was it. All she had to do to convince you. Neither one of you could say no to her big puppy dog eyes. „I don’t want to be alone.“

Without a word, you pulled away from Reined and made space for her in between the two of you. Reiner rolled onto his side with a quiet laugh, so he was facing you and looking at Maya at the same time.

„Now, is this better?“ he asked, kissing his daughter’s forehead. She giggled quietly and turned on her side, so she could cuddle up to Reiner.

„Honey, if you’re going to be hugging daddy for the night what am I supposed to do?“ You teased her, leaning closer and kissing the top of her head while smiling at Reiner, whose eyes were full of love and joy.

„Here mommy,“ she said, turned around, and gave you her doll.

You took the toy from her with a chuckle. „Thank you, baby. Now I feel way better.“ She gave you one last cheeky grin, before turning her back to you once more and trying to hug Reiner as if he too was one of her dolls.

The bond she and Reiner had was something incredible and magical. You could watch them talk or play all day every day, and you still wouldn’t have enough. Seeing them both so happy together really made you feel like the luckiest person in the whole world. Even if things weren’t perfect and you still missed your father a whole lot, you had your own wonderful little family. You had the sweetest daughter and the most loving husband you could ever ask for.

And they were all that truly mattered. The people, who made you feel loved and appreciated. The ones, who were always excited to see you and spend time with you.

When you sometime looked at them, you felt sorry for your father. Sorry for the fact, that he didn’t want to have such amazing people in his life. And sorry for the fact, that he once loved you just like Reiner loves Maya, but he stopped in the moment you decided to live your own life and be happy.

If he gave Reiner at least one chance. Only one...

„Hey,“ Reiner said in a hushed voice, and before you knew it, he caught the first tear that was ready to roll down your cheek.

„I’m fine,“ you assured him and grabbed his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. When you turned off the lights once more, the darkness suddenly became even more comforting, now that Maya was right there next to you.

In the end, all that pain and suffering was worth it. A hundred percent. Your husband and daughter... your current life was worth everything bad, you had to face since the day you were born in the old world.

[maybeimamuppet]

i'll be there for christmas III

hello everyone!! ahh i've missed you all so much i hope you've had a lovely day!! merry christmas to all of you who celebrate :)) sorry i didn't quite manage to post this on christmas. turns out making an entire christmas dinner and all the cookies/sweets for four people and trying to spend some time with family is a lot more time consuming than you would think!

anyway i've spent the last. eight straight hours (whoops) hammering this out as my christmas gift to you!! if you don't celebrate then i hope you enjoy anyway and you've had a wonderful december.

this was loosely requested by @ghosthooman who mostly just wanted to see janis pregnant for a change and tbh i did too!! so here's another little sequel chapter for ya. hope you all enjoy!!

tw for

pregnancy and c-section delivery (both as non-graphic as possible)

miscarriage

panic attacks

postpartum anxiety

and as always if i've missed something please let me know. it is 4am rn so it's. quite possible.

anyway!! enjoy!!

—————

"Janis?" Cady calls from the kitchen one day. Janis groans quietly to herself as she stands from their bed and pads down the long hallway and down the stairs.

"Yeah?"

"Are you busy?" her wife asks, looking up at her with a soft smile. Janis returns it and pulls a chair out from the table to sit on.

"Nope," she says. "What's up?"

"We need to have a... um... a conversation," Cady says hesitantly. Janis quirks an eyebrow.

"Are you making me sign another NDA?" she asks. Cady immediately says no, but in such a way that has Janis wondering if she really means it. Cady does have a lot of papers in front of her.

"There'll be no more of those if I can help it. But... we've been married for five years now. My mother has been pressuring me about this for three of them and I can't take it any longer."

"What is it?" Janis asks, reaching a hand across the table to hold Cady's fidgety ones. Cady looks at her with a relieved smile and places her hand in hers.

"My... my family wants to know when we'll have children," she says softly. Janis blinks.

"Children?"

"It's always been the expectation, and I know you said you wanted them previously but I wasn't sure if you still do, and I haven't known what to say but my mother just will not let the topic rest, and I-"

"Cady," Janis interrupts, squeezing her hand with a chuckle. "Breathe. Yeah. I... I still want kids. Especially with you."

"You do?" Cady asks, blinking at her with those huge blue eyes. Janis nods.

"Of course I do," she says. "Do you?"

"Yes," Cady says quietly. "I do."

"Then what's the problem?" Janis asks, scooting her chair closer.

"We're both women, baby, there are some logistical things to figure out," Cady explains with a chuckle.

"I'm not getting pregnant," Janis says immediately. "Ever. You can do anything you want to me except that."

Cady nods. "That's the problem. I... I finally have the job I've dreamed of since I was a child. I've spent my entire life working for this. And as much as I want children, I... I'm not ready to get pregnant and lose that. I'd have to take a leave when they're born, and there's so much that might go wrong that would take me away for even longer. I'm fine taking a long time off if it means getting to spend time with our baby, but... I'm worried about the long term effects carrying a child might have on me. And how they'd affect my ability to work."

"I know," Janis says. "I completely understand. I don't want that for you either."

"Then... what do we do?"

"We could adopt?" Janis proposes.

"Adopt?" Cady asks.

"Babies are exhausting anyway," Janis says. "We could see about getting a kid that's a little older. Someone who really needs a home."

"That sounds lovely," Cady says. "My mother won't be happy."

"Oh my god, is she ever?" Janis says with a bit of a huff. Cady laughs and kisses the corner of her lips.

"You hush, she's gotten much better," she chides.

"I know," Janis chuckles, winding her arms around Cady's neck and kissing her. Cady wraps her arms around her waist and smiles up at her. "We'll figure it out. I'm sure once she meets the kid she'll be fine with it."

"We'll figure it out," Cady echoes.

—-

Unfortunately, there are some things nobody can figure out. They tried for nearly two years, but every foster agency rejected their applications. Every foreign orphanage did too. All of them said the same thing. It wouldn't be fair to allow one child to live in such splendor for a while and then take them back, or while the rest of them are adopted out to normal families. They tried and tried and tried again, but they were shunned at every turn.

"We got rejected again," Cady sighs, plopping on their bed as she hangs up the phone. Janis puts her book down and reaches for her. Cady lies on her stomach with a huff. Janis chuckles and strokes through Cady's auburn hair.

"I think it might be time to call it, Cads," she admits. "I hate to say it, but it's been years and we haven't gotten anywhere."

"Who'd have ever thought you could be too rich to adopt a child?" Cady grumbles.

"I get where they're coming from," Janis says. Cady nods.

"I know. I do too," she says. "...But I really wanted a child."

"I do too," Janis says. "Maybe... maybe it's time to revisit some things."

Cady leans up on her elbows and looks at her with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean?"

"We both want kids," Janis begins, almost not believing the words coming out of her mouth. "Your mom won't get off our backs until we have them anyway. So... why... why don't we just do it?"

"You mean..."

"Let's knock one of us up," Janis shrugs.

"Janis, I still don't want to-"

"Then we'll knock me up," Janis says. Cady gawks at her.

"What? But you said you never-"

"I know," Janis replies, pulling Cady closer. "But... I've been thinking, and it... it kind of sounds like it might not be so bad. Once. I can take nine months of hell if it means a lifetime raising a little munchkin with you."

"Really?" Cady asks with tears brimming in her eyes. "You'd do that?"

"Yeah," Janis nods, stroking Cady's cheek with her thumb. "We're talking about it first. But think about it. We could have a little baby. With your eyes and your smile, and my hair. And my height."

"Hey!" Cady says indignantly. Janis laughs, and Cady eventually does too. They're quiet for a moment before Cady whispers, "A baby."

"And maybe someday things will be different and we can still adopt. But for now... let's... let's have a baby," Janis says. Cady cups her face between her hands and stares into her eyes.

"Let's have a baby."

—————

"I'm home!" Cady calls the next day as she enters from work. She kicks off her shoes and heads down the hall to the living room where Janis is waiting with a series of documents spread on the coffee table and a pen in her hand. Cady freezes in her tracks.

"My turn to make contracts," Janis says with a smirk. Cady hesitates before she sits down. "Miss Heron."

"Miss Heron," Cady echoes with a smile. "What can I do for you?"

"I have some terms. I think we should get them all... on the table, so to speak. And you can bring up anything you have to. I just don't want us arguing or worrying over anything once we've already gone through with everything."

"Good plan," Cady nods, reaching for the documents to read over. They all turn out to be blank, but Janis pulls out a notepad and writes RULES FOR BABBY in capital letters on the top. "What are your terms, Madam?"

"To clarify. I'm getting pregnant," Janis begins. Cady nods, so Janis writes that down. "I am only getting pregnant once. I want a kid with you, and I'm more than willing to do this so we can get there. But I am not doing it more than once."

"That's fine," Cady says. "I think one baby is plenty for us anyway."

Janis writes that down too. "Since I'm carrying them, I get to accept or refuse any procedures I want."

"Like what?" Cady asks.

"Like if I'm feeling really really sick and I think the gestational diabetes test is gonna make me hurl I get to say no or reschedule it if I want to," Janis explains. Cady nods.

"If you're carrying it I suppose that's only fair. But I get an override if we have medical evidence that either you or the baby are in danger," she insists. Janis considers this point and nods.

"Fair enough. Point three, the baby will be vaccinated on the normal schedule once they're born." she says.

"Obviously," Cady responds. "What else?"

"We both have equal say in picking a pediatrician, but if either of us find anything, the smallest thing, that we don't like about them, we're out of there no questions asked and we find someone else."

"Okay," Cady says.

"Names are a two yes thing only. If one of us doesn't like it the kid doesn't get it," Janis continues. Cady nods. "I don't want to find out the sex until they're born."

"No parties?" Cady pouts. Janis shakes her head vehemently.

"No parties."

"We can't even find out just for us?" Cady asks.

"You know your mom is gonna find worm it out of us if we know," Janis says. "I love her, but the idea of being pregnant around her is exhausting enough without her trying to suggest names and buying an entire nursery for them and everything."

"No, you're right," Cady agrees. "Surprise it is, then. What else?"

Janis adds it to the list. "Um... do you have anything?"

"Uh..." Cady hums. "I want it in writing that I get to come to all of your appointments unless you don't want me there for some reason. And... I don't want to use my eggs."

"You don't?" Janis asks in shock, putting her pen down. Cady looks at her lap and shakes her head. "Hey. Time out, come here. Why... why don't you want to use yours?"

Cady moves to sit next to her wife on the couch and leans into her side with a sniffle. "My... I... I just can't, Jay."

"Why?" Janis asks gently as Cady starts to cry. Janis pulls her closer and squishes her cheek against Cady's head.

"I... I love my family," Cady says hoarsely around a thick lump in her throat. "But-but they have done some-some despicable things in the name of money. That-that's in my blood, Janis. I-I-I don't want to... to pass that down."

"Oh, baby," Janis says as Cady dissolves into sobs against her shoulder.

One of Cady's first orders of business when she became co-CEO of Heron Enterprises with her father was completely revamping their ethics. It's been a slow, and expensive, process, but seeing how Janis was treated gave Cady enough ammunition to be able to talk the board into at least paying their employees a living wage, which is a good first step.

"They have, but you haven't," Janis says. "You've done the opposite, if anything. Even after being raised by your father, you've changed everything. You've basically changed the way the world works, baby. That's in your blood too. That's in you. Just because we use your eggs doesn't mean I'm gonna pop out the next Elon Musk."

"Do not mention that name in this house," Cady growls, wiping her nose with a sniffle. Janis laughs and wipes her tears for her.

"Noted. Should I add that to the list?" she hums. That gets a laugh from her wife.

"Maybe," she hums haughtily. "You... you really want to use mine? You're not worried?"

"Not in the slightest," Janis replies quietly. "Having my own kid would be boring anyway."

Cady laughs again. "I... I guess so."

"I know so," Janis says. "Anything else you want to add?"

"We're both taking off of work two months before and after you're due, at least. I do all the actual work on the nursery, but you can help pick designs and things. No visitors in person for the first month, and we avoid sharing their face in the media as much as we can."

"All good," Janis nods, adding them to the list.

"And no horseback riding lessons when they're old enough for them unless they absolutely beg for them."

"Um... okay," Janis chuckles, knowing her wife's horse phobia still runs deep. Cady hugs her left arm as Janis continues writing.

"Do you have anything else?" she asks. She feels Janis tense beneath her, and she frowns. "What?"

"I want a home birth."

"Absolutely not," Cady says immediately.

"I knew you'd say that," Janis sighs.

"Of course I would! Janis, do you have any idea the number of things that can go wrong during childbirth? Hemorrhaging and-and you could bleed out, you-you-you could die, Jay! And the baby, what if the cord is around their neck, or-or they get stuck? And you could tear, or get hurt otherwise, and we might not be able to get you to the hospital in time-"

"Hey," Janis interrupts. "Stop catastrophizing before I even have the kid in me, hm?"

"Janis, it's so dangerous! I won't allow it," Cady insists.

"It's not any more dangerous than it would be in a hospital," Janis says gently, squeezing Cady's hand. "I'm healthy and... a good size. If we go through with this, the chances of anything going wrong are incredibly slim. I know they're there," Janis continues, cutting Cady off as she was about to interrupt. Cady deflates back against her side with a small huff. "Unless the pregnancy turns out to be high risk for whatever reason, I want it to be here."

"But why?" Cady pleads desperately.

"Because I am going to be in an incredible amount of pain and discomfort no matter what we do, and I don't want to be somewhere I've never been before that smells like disinfectant and bodily fluids while I pop a whole kid out of my body. I trust my body to know what it needs, and I trust you to keep me and the baby safe during it. I want to be able to choose what happens during the process. I want you to be able to be involved as much as you want. We won't get that in a hospital."

Cady is quiet for a long time. "I just don't want you to be in pain."

"I'll still be in pain in a hospital," Janis responds quietly, resting her head against Cady's. "But it's worth it."

Cady cuddles a little bit closer. "We'll do what you want."

"Thank you."

"But," Cady says, and Janis sighs. "If... if it comes down to it, heaven forbid. I'm... I'm picking you over the baby."

"If we ever get there, I trust you to make whatever decisions need to be made," Janis responds just as quietly. "I'll make plans for everything I can. And if it's a situation like that I'll never hold anything you choose to do against you."

Cady nods with a sniffle. "I'm sorry. This should be happy."

"It should be important, and it is," Janis says. "We... we're doing the right thing."

Cady nods. "For us."

"For us," Janis echoes. She tears the list of rules off her notepad and hands it to Cady. "Can you... make this legal, however the hell you do that?"

"'Rules for babby' as the title and all?" Cady says with a watery giggle.

"I'll settle for nothing less," Janis insists. Cady rolls her eyes lovingly and rests her head on Janis' lap.

"You're strange."

"So are you," Janis echoes, gently tapping the tip of her nose. "And we'll have a strange little munchkin before too long."

"Hopefully," Cady sighs.

"We will," Janis insists again. Cady smiles wistfully.

A strange little munchkin.

—————

Cady absolutely insists on hunting down a decent sperm donor for them. Janis would've been perfectly content with an anonymous one so long as they didn't have any genetic conditions, but with everything else going on, she decided this was not the hill to die on.

Cady returned after about six months with one that had as clean a bill of health they could hope for, similar ancestral roots to Janis, and dark hair and eyes almost the same shade as hers. Janis just blinked when she was confronted with all the information and nodded.

Then came time to retrieve Cady's eggs. Janis decided spontaneously that she had changed her mind several times over, watching her poor, needle-phobic wife cry anxiously before her daily shots. Hormones, then the release, and the actual retrieval process itself isn't painless either.

"It'll be worse for you, and you said you'd do it," Cady always sniffled after the rounds were done for the day. "I can handle this."

Before long, they had everything they needed, and it was time.

—-

"You lot have some strong genes," the doctor says as a greeting. "You have seven impressive quality embryos and more that aren't quite so strong. Your chances of a healthy little one are much higher than most we see in here."

Cady smiles down at Janis and squeezes her hand. Janis squeezes back. "We're not putting seven in."

"No, no, heavens no," the doctor laughs immediately. She washes her hands and rolls over a stool to sit on while they talk. "I wouldn't recommend more than three at the absolute most."

"How many do you recommend?" Cady asks.

"For you in particular I would say two. Without wanting to dumb things down, that... doubles your chances of successful implantation. Of course, one alone could also always implant too. I'd just prefer not to see you back so soon if we can help it. And you're strong and healthy, your body can handle two embryos at once until they sort themselves out."

"Two," Janis says. "And what if both... both stick?"

"Then you have twins, and we can discuss what you'd like to do should that happen," the doctor says with a small shrug of her shoulders. "But again, that could also happen with one. Just a matter of fraternal versus identical. Your chances of twins with two embryos aren't all that much higher."

Cady and Janis look anxiously at each other. Twins was a bit more than they bargained for, but... they both have always wanted at least two. And like the doctor says, the chances are low.

"It's up to you, my love," Cady says quietly. Janis has been staring silently at the ceiling since she asked her question, mulling over the realities that are setting in now.

"Do two," she says with a strange lump in her throat, after about five minutes of pure silence.

"Are you sure?" Cady asks. "There's no going back from here."

Janis squeezes her hand and nods. "I'm sure."

The doctor nods and the clinic prepares two embryos. They're implanted a week later.

"And you are now pregnant until proven otherwise, congratulations," the doctor says. Cady tackles her wife in a hug as soon as it's safe to.

"I love you," she says softly.

"I love you too," Janis responds.

—————

It's an anxious few weeks from there. Janis goes from delighted to terrified roughly every thirty seconds, and Cady isn't faring much better.

"What if it didn't work?" she asks anxiously, pacing around their bedroom in the middle of the night. "Or what if it went wrong and damaged your uterus? Or-"

"Caddy," Janis grumbles sleepily from bed. "It's gonna be fine."

"You don't know that! What if you have to get more implanted? You looked so uncomfortable," Cady hums, wringing her hands in front of her.

"I'm gonna be uncomfortable either way. If we lose these then... we'll take some time to process and go from there," Janis says.

"But-"

"Baby," Janis sighs, sitting up and turning on the light. Cady pauses and squints a little bit as she looks at her wife. "Breathe, please. You're stressing me out."

"Sorry," Cady whispers, taking a few deep breaths. "I'm... I'm just worried."

"No shit?" Janis asks with a chuckle. Cady rolls her eyes in her general direction and starts pacing again, albeit much slower. "It's gonna be okay."

"But what if it isn't? What if- what if we're making some terrible mistake? What if we're not ready?"

"Baby, you're just... you... this is just what happened on our wedding day, okay? Even though it was what we both wanted and we knew it would all turn out, we both had cold feet until we were at the end of that aisle holding hands. I'm sure we'll have a few learning curves and whatnot. But... I'm really excited, too."

Cady pauses and looks at her again. She gives Janis a smile warm enough to melt her heart. "I am too."

Janis smiles back. "Yeah?"

Cady nods. "Yeah."

"Come to bed," Janis says, beckoning her over with outstretched arms. Cady sinks into them willingly and nuzzles in close. Janis flips the light back off. They lie together peacefully in the dark for a long, long time.

Janis thinks Cady's finally gone to sleep until she feels her inhale a little bit more heavily and Cady quietly asks, "You're not scared?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I am. I'm fucking terrified," Janis chuckles. "But I'm... not alone."

Cady leans up a little bit and grabs Janis' face between her hands. They have to get quite close to be able to see each other, but she leans in close enough that Janis can see a few vague details of her face in the darkness. "Never. You're never gonna be alone."

Janis smiles and rests a hand over Cady's. "Neither are you."

————-

It's an agonizing wait to find out whether their embryos stuck. It's barely two weeks, but they still don't even make it that long. Cady got so wound up that Janis ended up doing a few tests just to assuage her, but Cady was also too anxious to even look at them. Janis sighed and tucked them away without checking them for the doctors to see the hormone progression.

But, two weeks finally comes, and their tests are almost sure to be accurate at this point. They're both somehow more nervous this time. It feels much more official, even though they're just hanging out in the restroom together while the test sits waiting on the counter.

The timer goes off, and Janis and Cady lock eyes.

"You ready?" Cady asks, taking Janis' hand. Janis takes a deep breath and grabs the test with her free hand. Cady leans into her side, pressing against her arm so she can see the results too.

"It's positive," Janis whispers, biting her lip as delighted tears flow down her face.

"Pos- oh my god!" Cady squeals. She pitches herself at her wife and grabs her face, kissing all over it. Janis laughs and gently grabs Cady's waist to pull her back. "Baby, you're pregnant."

"I'm pregnant," Janis whispers before she gives a shocked laugh. "Holy shit."

"We're having a baby!" Cady says happily. Janis catches her when she throws herself at her again and hugs her so tightly, squeezing her close and resting her chin on her shoulder with a deep sigh.

"What if it's twins?" she whispers.

"Oh my god, can you imagine?" Cady chuckles.

—————

Janis can count on one hand the amount of times her feet touch the floor over the next few weeks. Cady either dotes on her hand and foot herself or gets hired help to do it, much to Janis' dismay. Short of going to the bathroom or walking herself to bed, she's treated like a princess in a tower.

It's nice for the first week or so, but after another, things get old. "Cads, I can get my own grapes. They're grapes."

"You're meant to be resting," Cady protests.

"I am! I haven't done anything but rest for three weeks," Janis huffs. "I'm meant to be exercising and stuff, too."

"Lightly," Cady retaliates.

"I haven't even been able to do that," Janis grumbles. "I need to be able to do a few things for myself or I'm gonna go crazy."

Cady sighs. "I'm sorry."

Janis leans against the counter. "It's okay. Just channel your worry in another direction, please."

"I will," Cady promises. "I'll stop chasing you back to the couch, at least."

Janis comes up behind her and kisses the side of her neck. "Thank you."

"I'm getting these grapes for you, though."

"Fiiiine."

—————

The next few weeks go much smoother. They still have a few small arguments, barely enough to even be called such, but Janis is feeling much better at finally being allowed to move around. She actually spent a whole day refusing to sit down just to make up for it all. Cady had a few things to say about that. They spend their time settling into their new rhythm, having blood work done to confirm Janis is actually officially for-reals pregnant, and relishing in the early days together.

Until one day.

"Caddy?!"

Cady goes running into the bathroom when she hears Janis' panicked yell. Janis jumps a bit when she slams the door open and looks at Cady with anxious tears brimming in her eyes.

"I'm bleeding," she says quietly. "Like, a lot."

Cady looks a little closer. Janis is, indeed, bleeding a fair bit. They'd been told a bit of spotting is normal, but this seems like... more. "Jesus, honey..."

"I think I'm miscarrying," Janis chokes. Cady shakes her head, both in denial and to clear it.

"Don't say that. Not yet. Let's get you cleaned up and go to the hospital," she whispers through her own tears. Her mind went there immediately, and she's almost positive Janis' words are true. But she can't let herself believe that yet. Can't let herself believe they've lost their baby.

She helps Janis get herself situated and into the car. Janis is quiet the entire drive to the hospital. She doesn't cry, she doesn't speak. She barely moves.

Cady bursts into tears halfway there. Janis looks at her and gently takes her hand off the wheel. Cady sniffs and drives with the other. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"For what? It's not your fault," Janis murmurs, holding Cady's hand to her heart and kissing her fingertips.

"I barely let-let you move for three weeks, you've only gotten two to-to really feel like you're pregnant and-and now we're losing them," Cady sobs.

"You were just trying to keep me safe," Janis comforts.

"Yeah, fat lot of good that did," Cady huffs through her tears. "Does it hurt?"

Janis shakes her head. "It's not... comfortable. But finding the blood was a surprise, I'm not hurting or anything."

"Good," Cady says. She takes a breath in vain and trills her lips. Janis squeezes her hand.

"It'll be okay."

"How-how are you so calm?" Cady murmurs.

"Panicking now won't do anything. Might make it worse, actually. And I'm worried about you," Janis shrugs. "There's... always a chance they're okay and this is just a weird thing."

A low chance, Cady insists in her head, but she doesn't say it out loud. "What if it's not?"

"Then we'll figure that out when we find out."

"...You're not really okay, are you?"

Janis' lip quivers and she chokes out, "Not even a little."

-

Cady pulls into the hospital parking lot and pays an amount of money Janis would've balked at had she not been married to a billionaire for seven years for a spot. People stare at them and point as Cady rushes up to the counter and Janis trails slowly behind her. Neither of them care.

"I think my wife is having a miscarriage," Cady pants, trying not to break down in front of the poor hospital receptionist. "She's almost eight weeks pregnant and she's bleeding a lot, I-I'll pay whatever it takes for her to be seen as soon as possible, we-we just need to know-"

The receptionist passes over a box of tissues and pages a doctor. Luckily, they wouldn't have had to wait anyway. They're called back to a small room and a curtain is tugged shut around an examination table to make it even smaller. Cady grips Janis' hand hard enough to nearly break both their fingers, but Janis doesn't even so much as breathe differently, let alone mention it.

A nurse comes in with a mobile ultrasound cart. Cady can't hold back more tears. They were supposed to have their first real ultrasound next week, to see their baby for the first time and make sure they were growing properly. Now they're having one to make sure there's even a baby at all.

They both wait with bated breath as the wand shifts every which way and the nurse frowns at the screen. Cady looks down to see Janis' fingers on her free hand are crossed tightly. She does the same.

"You're not having a miscarriage," the nurse says after what feels like a year, but can't have been more than five minutes. Janis and Cady both let out relieved sobs.

"They're okay?" Janis chokes. "You swear?"

"I swear. Your babies are both fine."

"Our what now?" Cady asks, suddenly very much not crying. Janis freezes beneath her.

"They're both kickin'. Not literally, of course, they don't really have legs yet. But their heartbeats both look steady, and they're charting properly for how far along you are."

"Both?" Janis echoes. "There's-"

"Oh my god, did you not know?" the nurse gasps. "I'm so sorry, I thought you had found out already! Um, you're having twins! Congratulations!"

"Twins?" Cady whimpers in delight. She looks down at Janis. Janis looks back. "They both stuck?"

"They sure did," the nurse chuckles. She turns the screen around so they can see, and sure enough, there's two little black orbs floating in grey static. "You kinda got the Cadillac of twin pregnancies, here. They each have their own placenta and amniotic sac, so they're the least likely to have any complications and things like that. And it means they're almost definitely fraternal. There's a small chance they're identical, but with you having had two embryos implanted and everything, all the signs would point to you having fraternal twins."

"And they're both healthy? I swear if something is wrong with them I will shut this hospital down so fast-"

"Caddy," Janis chuckles. "She knows what she's doing."

"You can see for yourselves. Let me zoom in a bit," the nurse says. She does, and Cady and Janis both look to see what she's doing. "This little blob thing here is baby A's heart, you can see how strong and steady it is. Oh, here."

She fiddles with the machine for a second, and suddenly an echoey pulsing noise can be heard in time with the rapid pulsing on the screen.

"That's their heartbeat?" Cady whispers, quietly sobbing again. The nurse nods with a huge smile on her face.

"Man, I thought I was gonna have to do the sad part of my job today, but I get to do the best part," she says to herself. "Let me find B for you, too."

They wait while she shifts a little bit, and then they watch the other blob's heart and listen to its steady beating for a long time. "Congratulations. I'll go get you all the boring pamphlets and stuff about twins."

"Thank you," Janis chuckles and sniffles at the same time. She wipes her eyes and leans back on the table. Cady watches as she bursts into hysterical laughter, and she can't help but join in.

"What's so funny?" she asks when they've calmed down a bit.

"I don't know," Janis giggles. "We just went from thinking we didn't have any babies to having two, my nerves are totally shot."

"Yeah, mine too," Cady agrees with a smile. "Twins."

Janis stops giggling suddenly, looking at Cady with a remarkably sober expression. "Do... are you... are you okay with twins? Do you want two?"

Cady squeezes her hand for the umpteenth time since they got to the hospital. "I was afraid of it when we put two in."

Janis just blinks at her, with more tension in her body than Cady's ever seen a human hold. Including herself, and that's saying something.

"But now that I know," she continues. "I've never wanted anything more."

Janis smiles. Cady smiles back and bends down to kiss her.

That's how the nurse finds them, so she just quietly leaves the pamphlets and ultrasound photos on the table next to them and ducks back out of the room. Janis is barely in the realm of reality enough to break away from her wife long enough to say, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," the nurse responds, shutting the door behind her.

"Let's go home," Cady whispers against Janis' lips. Janis nods and gives her one last good smooch.

———

"You should still lie down, baby. I know they're healthy, but you've still had a stressful day," Cady says as Janis enters their large house, both of them heaving a sigh of relief.

"...Will you come too?" Janis mumbles, like a small child asking for a hug from their parents. Cady chuckles.

"Of course. Let me get settled, I'll be right there."

Janis nods contently and pads off to the bedroom. Cady grabs her work laptop from the study and a snack for them from the kitchen before she follows her.

Janis is curled up under the covers in their huge bed when she enters, remote in her hand and browsing on the TV for something good to watch. She hesitates on Tangled for a minute before she pulls a face and moves away from princess movies.

Cady swoops in next to her and kisses her cheek. Janis squeals in surprise as Cady gently pushes her backwards onto the bed and pins her down. Cady hovers on her elbows so she doesn't put any pressure on Janis' stomach before she leans down and kisses her soundly. Janis hums in surprise, but she quickly winds a hand into Cady's hair and tilts her head to the side to kiss her back.

"I love you," Cady whispers between long kisses. "The gorgeous mother of my babies."

"Plural," Janis whispers back.

"Thank you," Cady murmurs against her lips. "For doing this."

"You're welcome," Janis chuckles. "But this does mean you're probably gonna have to take a little more time off work than we planned."

"I am anyway, whether something happens or not. Three months both ways, at least," Cady says immediately.

Janis frowns in confusion. "But your dad-"

"Is my boss. If he gets mad at me for taking time off to care for his daughter-in-law and grandbabies he can suck eggs."

Janis laughs and twists little pieces of Cady's hair together. "But you love your work."

"I love you more," Cady says with a shrug. "You're pregnant with twins, darling, it's going to take a fair bit out of you. I want to spoil you as much as I can throughout this. And if that means taking some time off earlier than I need to or working from home, then... so be it."

"Such a devoted mama," Janis grins. Cady pulls back a bit and looks into her eyes. "Baby, why are you crying?"

"I'm gonna be a mama," Cady sobs quietly.

"Yeah," Janis chuckles, reaching up to wipe her tears away. "Did you just notice?"

"No, it's just... it's the first time we've said it," Cady laughs with a sniffle. "We're going to be mamas, Jay."

"We are," Janis agrees.

Cady slides down a bit and gently tugs Janis' shirt up. Janis tips up on her elbows to look at her confusedly. Cady doesn't give her any response before she leans in and carefully presses kisses all over her tummy.

"That tickles," Janis laughs, squirming under the pressure of her wife's lips.

"I'm kissing my babies, it's not my fault they're in you," Cady retaliates, pressing another just above her belly button.

"It kinda is, though," Janis responds. "Dork."

"Hmph," Cady hums, continuing her onslaught of kisses. Janis simply chuckles and accepts her fate.

————-

"Janis!" Cady says, eagerly running into the room about a month later. Janis jumps so hard she nearly falls out of bed.

"What happened? What's the matter?" she asks frantically. Cady is panting like she just ran a marathon and brandishes her phone.

"Guess what?"

"What?" Janis asks desperately, rolling out of bed and going over to her wife.

"The babies are the size of figs!" Cady squeals like this is the most exciting news in the world. Janis pauses.

"Figs?"

"Uhhuh! Look," Cady says, showing Janis an image on her phone. Janis looks at the screen and chuckles.

"I thought someone died," she sighs in relief. "How big even is a fig?"

"Uh... this one says they're as big as brussels sprouts," Cady offers, switching to another app and allowing Janis to see she has about twelve. "And this is what they really look like, aren't they cute? They have little legs now! And it says they're already kicking but you probably won't feel it for a few more weeks."

Janis tilts her head as she looks at the graphic of the little fetus on Cady's phone screen. She thinks it looks a little more like some kind of alien shrimp creature, but she's just glad Cady's excited. "Does it say anything about when I'll stop vomiting every day?"

"Well, you're out of the first trimester after next week, so hopefully then," Cady says, gently cupping Janis' cheek. "I'm sorry you've been so sick."

Janis shrugs. "Two little goblins in there pushing on my insides. Kinda makes sense."

Cady giggles. "Hey, those are our little goblins."

"And they're gonna be goblins until they're about eighteen," Janis snorts.

"Cute goblins, though."

"They better be. Least they can do," Janis replies.

Cady laughs again. Her smile gradually softens and she leaves her hand cupping Janis' cheek. Their conversation fades for a short moment before she murmurs, "You're so beautiful."

Janis feels herself blush and tries to look away. Cady follows her gaze and shifts her hand to rest on the small, but steadily growing, baby bump.

"And this is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life."

"Stop it," Janis whines. "I'm too hormonal for this."

Cady giggles and shakes her head. "Hm-mm. I'm gonna tell you every day. You're getting that glow, and seeing you with this little tummy makes me so happy. And I know you're gonna be the most amazing, beautiful mother."

"Nah," Janis hums, pulling Cady in closer and pressing her lips gently against the curve of her jaw. "You are."

"No way," Cady scoffs. "You're the one doing all the work. You've got all the chemicals and hormones in there making you even prettier than you were before."

"I really am gonna start crying if you keep this up," Janis warns. Cady laughs and fiddles with the ends of her hair as Janis rests her head on her shoulder.

"Fine. Then can I talk to the sprouts?"

"The sprouts?"

"The babies," Cady says like it's obvious.

"Oh," Janis laughs. "Um... sure. I don't know if they can hear you yet, but-"

"I don't care, it's a good habit to start forming," Cady says immediately.

Janis sighs lovingly and goes to lie back down. She lies on her side, and Cady lies facing her, scooting close enough that her lips brush against Janis' tummy. Janis smiles and runs her nails gently through the roots of her hair. Cady gives the babies a proper greeting, and explains her entire side of the family. She tells them how she and Janis met, and about what dating her was like, how their wedding went, and how excited they were when they found out about them.

Janis smiles lovingly the whole time, chuckling occasionally at the seriousness with which Cady is talking to their unborn children that may or may not actually have ears.

Cady ends her softly spoken tirade with, "And I know you have a lot more growing yet to do, and I want you to do that. But your mother and I are so, so, so excited to meet you. You're going to be the most perfect babies ever. And we're gonna love you so much. We already do."

Janis sniffles, prompting Cady to look up at her. Cady wiggles so she's actually at her eye level and leans in to give Janis a comforting kiss. Janis whispers, "I love you."

"I love you so much," Cady echoes. "All three of you."

—————

"I'm worried Maddie's going to faint," Cady says anxiously as they get ready for her family's Fourth of July celebration. Janis laughs from the bedroom where she's finishing getting dressed.

"She might," she agrees. Madeleine always at least gets teary when one of her sisters-in-law announces a pregnancy. Twins might be too much for her. "Callum's still strong, he'll catch her."

"Maybe I'll stand behind her," Cady says, fussing over her lipstick. Janis enters the restroom behind her, and they lock eyes in the mirror. Cady can't help the wide smile that splits across her face.

"What?" Janis asks, sheepishly adjusting her overalls over her red shirt.

"Nothing," Cady replies.

"What?" Janis insists with a whine. She's gotten much fussier during her pregnancy, which Cady is weirdly delighted by. It's almost endearing, and she's more than happy to assuage whatever is plaguing her sweet wife in the moment.

"You're just so cute. The overalls and the belly. I can't take you," Cady giggles, turning around to face her. She rests a hand on either side of her wife's tummy and leans in for a kiss. She has to lean a little further every week. Janis happily kisses her back.

"You messed up your lipstick again," Janis whispers when they break apart to breathe.

"Worth it," Cady breathes back before leaning in again.

—-

Not all of Cady's siblings made it to the celebration. Christmas is a priority for the family, but most often they spend other holidays scattered around the world with various other loved ones. And, though she'd never admit it, her favorites did make it. Clark is here, Callum and Madeleine are here with their four children, and Clifton and Hannah with their two daughters.

Janis stands behind Cady to hide her belly while everyone mills around on one of the docks waiting for burgers and hot dogs to be grilled. One of the house chefs is making them, but Cady's dad is thoroughly supervising as though he has any idea what he's doing.

Janis gently winds her arms around Cady's shoulders and kisses her neck. She shifts her lips higher and whispers, "You ready?"

"Are you? Everyone's gonna want to touch your belly, are you okay with that? I'll fight them off," Cady whispers back. Janis chuckles and kisses her jaw.

"No, it's okay. I figured they would, I can handle it for a while," she replies.

"Remember the signals. If you change your mind. I'll throw someone in the lake if I have to," Cady says insistently.

"Even your mom?"

"Especially my mom."

"Damn. You're committed," Janis chuckles.

Cady shrugs and gently leans back against her. "I'm kind of surprised nobody's noticed yet."

"We're being totally inconspicuous," Janis chuckles sarcastically. "I'd like to tell them before I start eating for three so I don't get stared at, though."

Cady laughs out loud at that. A few of her family members look at her and she freezes, but they just smile and return back to whatever they were doing. "You'll be fine. Should we just do it now?"

Janis shrugs. "Up to you."

Cady kisses her for strength and takes a deep breath. "Hey, uh..."

"Did you say something, dear?" Cady's mother asks. "Speak up."

"Yeah, but this is kind of for everybody to hear. We have a little surprise," Cady says. Her mother helpfully takes over.

"Everyone! Gather 'round, please, Cadence has something for us," she yells. Everyone except the chef puts down what they were doing and circles around them.

"What is it? Do we get presents?" the youngest child, Zacharias, asks eagerly. Cady laughs and reaches to ruffle his hair.

"Not this time, kiddo, sorry," she says apologetically. Zach pulls a small face and seems visibly disappointed, but he cheers up when his big brother Lennox wraps an arm around his shoulders and rubs his knuckles through his hair.

"Ow, Lenny!" he says eventually.

"Boys, settle down," Madeleine scolds gently. "What is it, Cades?"

Cady freezes. She's not even the pregnant one, and she can't get the words out. Janis frowns in concern for a moment and gives her a little squeeze.

"We're pregnant," Cady says hastily. "Well, mostly her. But, yeah."

Pandemonium is not a strong enough word for what breaks out. Confused children get shoved out of the way by older siblings and parents screaming in excitement, and Cady and Janis are wrapped in more arms than they can count within seconds.

"Oh my god, congratulations! My little Cady's all grown up!" Madeleine says around happy tears. "Having a baby of her own, I can't believe it!"

Janis smiles widely. "About that."

Madeleine snaps to look at her, and her eyes widen. "No." Janis nods, her smile growing. Madeleine screams in delight and runs in to hug her alone. "Twins?!"

"Triplets," Janis replies. That gets her. Madeleine collapses in her arms, and she barely has the strength to pass her to Callum. "Kidding. Yeah, just twins."

"Congratulations," Callum says, tapping Madeleine's cheeks as he tries to revive her. "And thanks for breaking my wife."

"You're very welcome," Janis replies with a mischievous smile. Cady gently whacks her arm. "Hey!"

"You stinker," Cady giggles. She squeaks as her parents both tackle her in a hug. She looks at Janis with eyes wide as saucers. You'd think she'd just been bitten by a shark.

"Congratulations, dear," her dad says. "Twins?"

Cady nods. "Twins."

"Why aren't you carrying them?" her mother asks.

"Because Janis wanted to," Cady responds.

"Are you planning on more?"

"Not at the moment."

"When is she due?" her mother asks.

"December," Janis replies. "But they'll probably be early, so we don't really know."

"Are you planning on breastfeeding?"

"Mother! Enough with the questions, please," Cady pleads. "Please just be happy for us, let us do this the way we need to."

Her mother humphs a little bit, but she does smile and squeeze her the slightest bit. Cady relaxes ever so slightly into it. Janis watches with a proud smile, and jumps when she's beckoned over to join the hug. "Oh, but you must let me throw you a baby shower."

"A small one," Cady says. "Like, brunch group small."

"Oh, bah," her mother says. "You're no fun."

"Mother," Cady says warningly.

"Fine, fine. No more than thirty people. Janis, I'll need contact information for your people so I can get things arranged," she says.

"Of course," Janis chuckles. "You'll finally get to see Damian again."

Damian and Cady's mother had met for the first time at their wedding and, somehow, got on like a house on fire. Apparently they still text regularly with party planning tips and quiche recipes, and have semi-regular coffee dates.

"Oh, that darling," Cady's mother says eagerly. "I can't wait. Congratulations again, loves."

"Thanks mom," Cady says with a smile. Her mother smiles back and kisses her cheek before she goes on to join in the suddenly much more lively celebrations.

"Surprised she hasn't already insisted on doing the nursery," Janis hums as she wraps Cady in the closest thing to a hug they can manage around her belly. Cady laughs.

"She only just found out, she's got to have enough time to come up with a theme and things," she replies. Janis laughs with her.

"Do you have any theme ideas?"

"Do you even want a themed nursery?" Cady retaliates, looking up at her with genuine interest. Janis considers this quite valid point.

"...Depends on the theme."

"Circus?" Cady suggests. Janis looks at her incredulously.

"I'm terrified that that was your first suggestion," she says. Cady laughs.

"I wasn't really serious," she says, saving herself in the eyes of her wife. "Dinosaurs?"

"Dinos might be cute," Janis agrees with a nod. She herself absolutely loved dinosaurs as a kid. It's definitely something to consider. "What about, like, just animals? Or safari or something."

"Oh, that would be adorable," Cady coos.

"Yo, mamas! Come eat," Clark hollers at them, interrupting their discussion. They both jump a bit and laugh as they head to join the line for cheeseburgers and hot dogs.

"We'll figure it out," Janis says as she sees the gears still clunking around in Cady's head.

"I know," Cady says. "I just like knowing things ahead of time."

"I know you do," Janis chuckles. "We have plenty of time. I'm only eighteen weeks."

"Almost nineteen. We're nearly halfway through, and the babies will probably be early, there's so much to do-" Cady says, getting progressively more frantic.

"Caddy," Janis interrupts, putting down both their plates so she can take and squeeze Cady's hands. "It's gonna be fine, okay? The babies aren't even gonna be in the nursery for a few months. They could come tomorrow and we'd be able to figure it out. Even if they come early, they'll be okay with a nursery that isn't perfect."

"They'd better not come tomorrow, you're not past the viability point yet," Cady mumbles. Janis laughs.

"There's my girl."

Cady smiles and tucks herself into her wife for a quick hug. She takes a detour when she pulls back to kiss Janis' belly, and then leans up to kiss Janis too. She bats Janis' hands away from picking her plate back up, and piles it high with all the delicious sides and carries it to the table on her behalf.

"Thanks," Janis says when she sits down next to her. Cady just nods and takes her hand under the table. Janis gives her a squeeze, and Cady squeezes back.

They stay like that throughout the meal, absentmindedly eating with their free hands and making casual conversation with relatives. Zach is very excited now that he knows he's getting two new little cousins soon and lovingly pesters his still-recovering mother with lots of questions about where babies come from and things of that sort. Janis snorts into her potato salad when he incredulously asks, "They're gonna come out her vagina?!"

Everyone else returns to their various activities once the meal is done and digested. Kids leap into the lake, parents stand anxiously watching from the shore or join in themselves. Cady's parents go inside for a nap, and Cady and Janis spread out a blanket on the sand and lie down together. Cady leans in and presses her lips against the top of Janis' rounding tummy a few times before she nuzzles in a little higher. Janis wraps her arm around her and holds her close, kissing the side of her nose as Cady also drifts off for a quick little cat nap in the sand.

Janis smiles to herself as she rests her head down against her other arm and watches her wife sleep.

God, I hope they look like you.

—————-

The next morning, Janis gets the wits scared out of her by Cady sitting bolt upright in bed next to her with a quite dramatic gasp.

"Jesus, what happened?" Janis gasps herself. Cady turns to look at her with a stricken look.

"We forgot to tell Damian!"

"Oh," Janis sighs in relief. "Don't do that, I thought you were having a heart attack or something."

"Oh. Sorry," Cady says sheepishly. "I can't believe we forgot to tell him, though!"

Janis chuckles and pulls her wife back against her. "Cads, it's not a big deal. We only told your family yesterday."

"But we told yours a week ago, we should've told him then!"

"Let's just do it now, hm?" Janis offers. Cady nods. "He's gonna scream, watch out for your ears."

"Just turn the volume down," Cady says. Janis pulls her phone out and texts Damian asking if he's available for a Facetime. She grabs one of her positive tests from her nightstand drawer and holds it, figuring that'll be the simplest way to get him to understand.

"Hey babes," Damian greets when the call connects. "Ugh, look at those pretty faces."

"Hi Damian," Cady greets with a giggle.

"Angel, how are you?! It's been too long," Damian says.

"It has! You have to come up to see us sometime soon. I can't believe it's already been a month, usually we can't even make it a week!"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. My show schedule has been crazy," Damian says. He'd been cast in a production of The Wedding Singer and unfortunately had to devote too much time to that to be able to visit them on their normal schedule. "I miss you guys."

"We miss you too," Cady says. Janis nods.

"You guys should come see the show!" Damian offers. They usually do, but Janis wasn't up for the traveling, being so sick most days.

"We want to," Janis says apologetically. "I don't think we'll be able to this time. But we're cheering you on in spirit, baby boo."

"Thanks," Damian says, striking a remarkably homosexual pose. Cady and Janis both laugh. "Bummer you guys can't make it."

"Yeah, we're sorry," Cady says. "I'm sure you're great, though. And it'll be more than worth it."

"Worth it? What do you mean? If you guys can't come you can't come, it's no... big..."

Janis held up the test in the middle of him speaking, and they watch him take a few seconds to process before they have to mute him entirely to save any scrap of their hearing. When they see his mouth start to move in recognizable shapes again, they turn the sound back on.

"-baby! Holy shit, congratulations! I can't believe it! A baby! I'm gonna be an uncle!"

"It's twins," Cady says. Janis has to mute her phone again. Cady recognizes his lip movements partway through. "No, we're not fucking with you, we're really having twins."

It's a solid ten minutes before they can unmute him this time.

"My mom wants your help throwing her baby shower, she'll be in touch about that soon," Cady says when he's gone from the screaming phase to the hysterical sobbing phase.

"Of course! Oh my god, I'm gonna be a twuncle!" he sobs.

"No. New word," Janis says immediately.

"Twinkle."

"No."

"You have plenty of time to think of something tolerable," Cady interrupts. "And we'll be sure to bring them along to your next show. Well, once they're old enough."

"Yes! Oh my god, I can't wait. Okay, I have to go now or I'm gonna be late for work. I love you both and those little babies blossoming in your uterus very much. Have a wonderful life."

"Bye, weirdo," Janis snorts, hanging up on him and dropping the phone somewhere to be lost in the duvet. "There. Everyone is told."

"That's a relief."

—————

"Caddy!"

Cady goes tearing through the house and crashing into the room when she hears Janis yell for her. It sounds panicked. We can't be going through this again. They were fine the first time. Not again. "What happened?! What's the matter, are you bleeding again?! What's wrong?!"

"No, no, come here!" Janis insists eagerly. Cady pauses and reassesses when she sees her wife is actually... laughing. No bleeding, then.

Confused, Cady heads over to her wife. Janis grabs her hand and rests it right on the front of her belly.

"Feel," she says.

"Feel what?" Cady asks.

"Just keep your hand there," Janis says. Cady frowns at Janis' belly, but obediently keeps her hand where it was placed. After about thirty seconds, there's a little bump right against her palm. Cady screams and jerks her hand away before she realizes what it was and quickly puts it back.

"Oh my god! They're kicking!" she squeals.

"They're kicking," Janis agrees, laughing and crying at the same time.

"That means they have feet!" Cady says eagerly. Janis laughs harder.

"I- yeah, it does," she nods. "Doesn't it feel crazy?"

"Yeah," Cady agrees quietly. Janis frowns sadly when she suddenly lets out a sob. "That's our baby. Our baby's in there. Kicking you."

"And there's another one too," Janis hums, brushing Cady's hair out of her face and kissing her cheek. "We're getting pretty close now."

Cady nods again, but doesn't say anything. Janis is perfectly content to let her rove her hands all over her tummy, feeling for every little motion their babies make. Eventually, little jolts start happening at regular intervals on the other side.

"I think A has the hiccups," Janis giggles. "That's where they were on the last exam. B must've been the kicker then."

"They're so cute," Cady says with a sniffle, feeling each little jolt caused by each hiccup.

"Says you. You try having something with the hiccups inside you," Janis chuckles.

"Does it hurt?"

"Nah. It's just... really fucking weird, Cads," Janis replies. Cady laughs.

"I can imagine." She leans down and presses her lips to the right side of Janis' belly to talk to that baby in particular. "Hey, hold your breath! You're making your mother uncomfortable!"

Janis laughs again. "He can't help it."

"He?"

"I think we have at least one boy in there," Janis hums as Cady straightens back up.

"Really?" Cady asks. Janis nods.

"I'm almost positive," she replies. "What do you think?"

"I... I don't know," Cady replies. "I haven't had any... feelings."

Janis smiles and wraps her in as tight of a hug as they can manage. They slowly sway around their bedroom as they continue speaking. "I guess that makes sense. It's probably harder when they're not inside you."

"How crass," Cady giggles.

"I'm a heathen, remember? It's in my job description to be crass," Janis chuckles, kissing Cady's neck. They're quiet for a moment before she asks, "What do you want?"

"In what way?" Cady whispers back.

"Do you want sons? Daughters?" Janis asks. She doesn't sound like she's particularly fussed with whatever Cady says. She sounds like she genuinely wants to know.

"I just want all of you to be healthy," Cady replies.

"Come on, we both know that's a load of shit," Janis says. "As long as you know you'll love them even if they don't turn out that way, what do you want?"

Cady laughs. "In that case... I really hope you're right. One of each would be so sweet. But even if we have two boys or two girls, they'll be perfect. But I really, really just want two healthy babies and my healthy, beautiful wife."

"One of each would be fun," Janis agrees. "I guess we'll find out."

"And we'll find out soon!"

—————

"Ceiling would be a good name," Cady says quietly one night. Janis leans up on her elbows to squint incredulously at her wife in the darkness.

"You want to name one of our babies Ceiling?"

"I didn't say that. But if it didn't mean what it does, I think it would be a nice name. It has a good sound to it," Cady says, suddenly sounding much more sheepish. Janis laughs and cuddles into her side.

"I guess it does," she agrees. "But we're not naming our baby that. I know we're rich and famous, but we're not that rich and famous."

"No, of course not," Cady says immediately.

"Ceiling would be a good name, though," Janis agrees now that she's given it more thought.

"There's lots of words like that."

"Like what?"

"That would be nice names if they didn't mean what they mean," Cady says.

"...Like what?" Janis asks again.

Cady thinks for a moment. "Basket."

Janis considers this and nods. "I guess it does sound kind of name-ish."

"I told you! There's all sorts," Cady says.

"Cardigan," Janis says. Cady nods eagerly.

"Yeah, exactly!" she says. "I'm so relieved you understand my nonsensical ramblings most of the time."

"Most of the time they're actually pretty sensical," Janis chuckles. "But your ramblings are always my favorite."

"Hush," Cady scoffs quietly. Janis laughs and shakes her head.

"Nah."

She can almost hear Cady rolling her eyes, even though she can't see it in the dark. Janis can't help but continue thinking of words that could fit as names in alternate universes.

"Paper," she says quietly. Cady nods.

"Sofa."

"Enough," Janis continues. Cady deflates a little. "No, like, as a name. It has a fun sound."

"Oh! Yeah, you're right," Cady giggles. "Carrot."

"Carrot is great," Janis chuckles. "Ceiling and Carrot."

Cady laughs so hard she nearly pushes Janis off her. Janis can't contain her giggles either, and they spend a frankly concerning amount of time giggling at nothing in the darkness together.

Janis wipes tears of laughter from her eyes. "Android."

"Band," Cady says.

"Prophecy," Janis says with incredible drama.

Cady gives an oooh and thinks quietly for a moment. "...Chlamydia."

"Wh- Caddy!" Janis splutters out a shocked laugh.

"What?! I'm not saying anyone should name a baby that! I'm just saying that if it wasn't... that, it has a pretty sound!" Cady defends. She's laughing more at Janis' near-uncontrollable laughter than the actual idea of naming a baby after an STI.

Janis presses her forehead to Cady's shoulder and continues giggling into the blankets. When she calms down again, she says, "I love you."

"I love you too," Cady says softly.

"I'm glad we still know how to make each other laugh," Janis continues, ghosting a touch over Cady's collarbones with her pointer finger.

"I am too," Cady replies, tucking her head against Janis'. "I'm glad I have you to keep me smiling."

"I'm glad I have you to give me some excitement," Janis murmurs.

"I'm glad I have you," Cady says plainly.

"I'm glad I have you too," Janis murmurs. Cady adjusts them to such a position that she can lean in for a sweet, soft, lingering kiss. "And I'm glad I get to do that whenever I want."

Cady smiles and gently flicks her ear. "Goof."

"Oh, I'm the goof for being glad I have the hottest wife in the world that I get to kiss whenever I want?"

"Yes, because you don't have the hottest wife in the world," Cady giggles. "I do."

Janis scoffs. "Maybe before you knocked me up. With twins, might I add."

Cady shakes her head. "Especially now."

"...Really?"

"Of course, really," Cady giggles again. "You've always been beautiful. And you always will be beautiful to me. No matter how you feel about yourself. You're beautiful now, even though you're not happy with your body. You're carrying our babies. I don't know if you've ever been so beautiful. You always were, of course, but now... I can't stop looking at you. And you'll be beautiful when you're all wrinkly and your hair is all grey and we're sitting in rocking chairs together somewhere and we can only eat soup."

Janis chuckles and leans in for another kiss. "You really think you'll wanna be with me when all I can eat is soup?"

"Of course. Don't you?" Cady asks.

"Yeah. You'll be a cute old lady," Janis says immediately. Truth be told, she's always pictured the same thing. Every new line or scar on Cady's body is a revelation. A sign that she's changing. She's aging. Janis is always excited to get to know the new her with the new changes, slight as they are. As terrifying as it is, she's excited to be an old lady if it means she gets to know Cady as one too.

It's nice to know she feels the same.

Janis kisses her one more time. "Do you have any, like... real ideas for their names?"

Cady shakes her head. "Not really. I've had a few that sounded nice, but nothing has really given me that definite yes sort of feeling yet. Do you?"

"I have one I'd really like if we have a girl," Janis says quietly. "But I kind of want to wait until they're born and name them when we see them."

"I'd like that," Cady says. "What's the name?"

"You'll find out if we meet her," Janis hums smugly. Cady scoffs.

"Stinker."

"Hey, you were the one just going on about how excited you are to see me as a grandma," Janis retaliates with a giggle.

"I take it back," Cady sighs lovingly. "You're such a goofball."

"I'm not the one who wants to name a baby Chlamydia."

"I said I don't!" Cady insists before they break into peals of laughter again. Janis joins in, pressing her forehead against her wife's and laughing against her lips.

"God, we're gonna be parents."

—————

The next day they giggle about it all again on their way to their ultrasound appointment to see that the babies are still developing on track. Janis is used to it all by now, but she still shivers at the chilly gel rubbed onto her stomach.

"Aww," Cady coos when one of their babies' faces is visible on the screen. Janis smiles and watches too.

"That's B today, getting that sweet little face growing just fine," the doctor says as she shifts the wand all around and takes measurements of their limbs.

Janis and Cady chat while the scan continues. Little things, like what they want for dinner; they really should call Damian, it's been so long; look how cute the baby's little fingers are.

"Hm," the doctor hums softly, looking at the scan with a small frown before referring back to her notes. Cady and Janis' conversation halts in its tracks, and they both turn to see her. "You're planning on a home birth?"

"Yes," Cady says, squeezing Janis' hand.

"I'm afraid that might not be possible," the doctor says in concern.

"Why not? Are the babies okay? What-what's the matter with them?"

"As far as I can see, they're both still perfectly healthy," the doctor soothes immediately, noticing both of them starting to panic. "But you have a little troublemaker in there."

She shifts the wand a bit for another angle to confirm her suspicions, and she nods gravely. "Your baby A in here is the issue. They're in what we call the frank breech position."

"But they're okay?" Cady asks desperately.

"I can't see spectacularly well, but they've been doing just fine in all your previous scans, I don't think anything could've gone terribly wrong with them in the meantime."

"But what does that mean? Why can't I have a home birth?" Janis asks, sighing in relief now that she has reassurance that the baby is okay.

"Well," the doctor sighs and rolls over to a cabinet, pulling out a baby doll. She curls it gently in on itself. "Ordinarily babies are sort of curled up like this, and then they straighten out during delivery to come out safely. B is like that, you can see them here."

"Okay," Janis says. "Doesn't breech just mean they're upside down? Won't they flip over before I go into labor?"

"Ordinarily, yes," the doctor explains. "But frank breech means that your baby is... like this."

Cady and Janis both blink in shock as she folds the doll sharply in half.

"Their legs are up in front of their face, in this sort of V-shaped position. Look here," she says. Cady and Janis both look at the screen. "Those are feet, and that's their ear. At about the same level."

"Oh," Janis says. She can't hold back a giggle, in spite of the bad news.

"For pregnancy it's perfectly fine, even if it does make it harder for me to check on them. But for delivery... it's, er... well, to be frank with you ladies, the baby would likely come out bum-first. With a vaginal birth, that puts an incredible amount of strain on both the baby and you."

Janis can imagine delivering a baby bent in half would indeed be considerably more painful. "So... I-I have to have a C-section?"

"I don't want to dash all your hopes just yet, but I'd expect so. With you carrying twins, they're very cramped for room in there, so I don't expect they'll straighten out in time for you to deliver naturally. You'll be having weekly scans from now on anyway, but if they don't unfold before you're about 36 weeks it's almost a definite, unfortunately."

"Damn it, kid," Janis tuts under her breath. "As long as they're healthy. They can come out however they want to."

"B is doing just fine, A's heart looks great. And their legs are clearly growing on schedule to be so long. Anything else isn't really an immediate concern, just keep an eye on how you're feeling and make sure you get here every week for those scans."

"We will," Cady says, squeezing Janis' hand. Janis nods.

The doctor wipes the gel off of Janis' belly before she leaves. Janis pulls her shirt back down and sits up with Cady's help.

She's almost silent again as they walk to the car, and most of the way home. Every time Cady looks at her she seems fine, almost content, but Cady has reason to believe otherwise. "Are you okay, my love?"

Janis looks at her, and she seems almost confused. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"...Because your entire birth plan has to change now? You were very adamant about what you wanted and now you're being forced into practically the opposite."

Janis shrugs. "I kinda figured I wouldn't be able to have a home birth once we found out there were twins. I've had plenty of time to prepare for the possibility of things changing. I'd still prefer that, but if I have to have a C-section then I have to have a C-section. I don't think trying to fight it will do any good."

"I'm still sorry you're not getting your... is dream birth a weird thing to call it?"

"Yes," Janis laughs immediately. "It's really fine, Cads. As long as they're out of me by the end of the day, at this point I couldn't give a flying fuck how it happens. And this way I won't have to work so hard."

"You'll still have to work very hard," Cady says in concern.

"I know. But hopefully I won't get all sweaty," Janis says. Cady chuckles and takes her hand.

"That's what you're worried about?"

"I don't have anything else to worry about right now," Janis says with a shrug. "If we find something else to worry about then I'll worry about it. But I hate being sweaty, so hopefully that won't happen now."

"I love you," Cady says. Janis turns to look at her and smiles.

"I love you too."

Cady continues driving, and they're silent until they're nearly home. Cady fidgets with Janis' fingers with her free hand and quietly says, "We get to pick their birthday this way."

"Exactly," Janis chuckles. "You're getting it."

—————

After much discussion, they pick November 16th to be their babies' birthday. They were told to pick a day in mid-November to avoid Janis going into labor as best they could, and to give the babies enough time to finish growing. They didn't want it close to Halloween, but also not too close to Thanksgiving. And Cady likes even numbers, so the 16th was a quick pick.

The weeks fly by, the hospital bag is packed. Cady dances around the house the morning of as they gather all their things and drive to the hospital. "We're having babies today!"

"This is really not a we thing," Janis grumbles crankily.

"We get to meet our babies today!" Cash amends. Janis chuckles and squeezes her hand. "How are you feeling?"

"As well as I can knowing I'm about to be sliced open and have twins removed from me," Janis replies. Cady blinks, but she nods.

"Okay. That's... definitely one way of putting what's about to happen," she replies. "Are you scared?"

Janis nods. Cady pouts.

"I'm sorry, honey. I'll be right there with you, I won't let anything happen to you. Or to them. I promise."

"I know," Janis says softly, squeezing her hand again in thanks. "That's the only thing keeping me from totally spiraling right now."

"If they do anything I will shut that place down so fast. Everyone's getting fired, I swear to god," Cady says. Janis laughs.

"Caddy, it'll be fine. I know it will, but knowing I'm about to be numbed from the tits down for like, multiple hours, and again, have babies removed from my stomach just isn't the most pleasant idea."

Cady is quiet for a moment. "I'm still gonna fire them all. I'll hire new better doctors myself and get the best ones to make sure you're okay."

"You've already gotten me into the best hospital for C-sections in the state, babe, we'll be fine," Janis chuckles. "Calm down a little. Rage later if you need to, but don't get yourself all worked up now."

"I'm just excited," Cady mumbles sheepishly. Janis smiles.

"Good."

"Are you?"

"God, yeah," Janis chuckles. "Our little munchkins are coming today. And I don't have to be pregnant anymore. I'll probably be able to sleep on my stomach again by tomorrow night!"

“That's what you're excited about?" Cady giggles."You don't know, man. You try being pregnant with twins sometime," Janis huffs.

"No, I'm alright, thank you," Cady says immediately. Janis laughs. "I think one set is plenty for us."

"Definitely," Janis chuckles. "God, I saw in the news the other week that this couple did the same thing we did but both their eggs split and they ended up with quadruplets."

"Heavens," Cady shivers. The idea of the two of them raising two babies, even with all their money, is frightening enough. She can scarcely imagine four. At a stoplight, she bends over and kisses Janis' belly. "Thank you for staying how we put you."

Janis laughs again. "How are you feeling?"

"I have never been so afraid in my life," Cady says honestly. "But I've never been so excited either."

——

They both have the jitters by the time they pull into the hospital parking lot. Janis waddles slowly behind Cady as they head inside. Cady pauses at the door, knowing they'll be leaving with their babies. This is the last door they'll enter as a family of two, before their two and two make four.

Cady gets them all signed in, and then they have about an hour to get used to things before their surgery is scheduled. Cady cracks some very weak dad jokes, but Janis laughs all the same and gives her adoring smiles with each one. "You gotta step up your game, babe."

"I know," Cady whines after a particularly bad one about blankets for the babies to be kept at 'womb temperature'. Janis smiles and pats her hand.

"You'll get there. They won't be able to understand them for a good few years anyway," she says comfortingly. Cady smiles and leans in to kiss her.

That turns out to be the last practice shot she gets. Doctors come pouring in to get Janis dosed up and the both of them into sterile clothes. Cady is suddenly hit with the realization that this is all happening, like, right now as Janis is wheeled to the operating room and she's left to run after them.

It takes a very

very

very

long time.

Janis doesn't exactly look comfortable, but she doesn't complain of any pain. She does mention offhandedly that it feels like she's being squashed by an elephant, but that's the extent of her complaints. Cady is the one with most of them.

"This is taking forever," she whines into Janis' shoulder behind the partition. Janis tries not to laugh and risk jostling anything while someone has the fancy equivalent of a knife held at her gut.

"I don't know about you, but I'd prefer they take their time," she responds. "It can't be much longer. You've waited eight and a half months, we almost get to meet them now."

"The anticipation is killing me," Cady huffs. "I want our babies out and you safely put all back together and I want to take all of you home and love on you until they're in college."

Janis smiles. "I love you."

Cady smiles back and leans down to kiss her. "I love you too."

"Oh!" the doctor suddenly exclaims, and Cady is on her feet in a flash.

"What happened?! Are they okay? Is she okay?" she says desperately.

She freezes as she hears a shrill cry split the air. She looks down at Janis, who smiles dopily back at her. Tears start pooling in her eyes as she looks back and forth between her wife and the doctor.

The crying continues for a moment as the people on the other side of the partition handle the situation, and then a tiny baby is held over it for them to see. "Here's your baby B."

"B? What happened to A?" Janis asks.

"Apparently this one decided he wanted to be born first. Kicked A out of the way!" the doctor chortles.

"He?" Cady says with a quiet sob. The doctor nods, and Cady immediately leans in to kiss Janis. "A boy."

"I had a feeling there was at least one in there," Janis chuckles. Their son is passed off so they can get the other twin out and Janis closed up before too much longer. Another shrill cry rings out, and Cady and Janis both start sobbing again.

"Here's little A," the doctor says. "Miss Troublemaker."

"A girl?" Cady whimpers, looking at the little pink squirming thing. "We-we got both?"

"Certainly looks that way!" one of the nurses says cheerfully. Cady hesitantly steps around the curtain to cut the cords, trying very hard to focus on that and not her wife's insides on the outside. The surgeon gets to work handling that, and the babies are taken to the counter in the room to be measured, weighed, and cleaned off.

It feels like hours have passed before two swaddled little babes are carried back to them, still crying about all they've been through today. Cady sits back by her wife and smiles as one baby is tucked against her face on either side.

"Hi," Janis whispers through her tears, bringing up a hand to rub each soft little cheek. "Hi, babies. Thank fuck you're out."

"Hey," Cady laughs wetly. "Mind your profanity."

"They're crying so loud they can't hear me anyway," Janis chuckles. "Shh, I know. I know. I'm crying too, I know. We're all okay."

Cady sobs again and leans across their son to kiss her wife soundly. "You're all perfect. Absolutely perfect."

"They're... they're not missing toes, or anything? They're okay?" Janis sighs heavily.

"They're both just fine," one of the nurses says with a chuckle. "I'm new, but they're the healthiest twins I've seen so far."

"I told you," Cady says with a laugh.

Once Janis is put back together and stitched up, they're wheeled back to their room to rest and bond as a family for the very first time. Cady props Janis up with pillows and crawls into bed behind her. Janis winces as she has to move, but she leans back into Cady with a relieved sigh and finally gets a good look at their babies.

Cady kisses her neck gently and looks at the little ones over her shoulder. "They're so beautiful. And you're so strong. I... I can't believe they're here."

Janis smiles at the sleepy babies in her arms. "They're here."

"I love you," Cady whispers. "So much. Look at them. Look at what you brought into this world. They're perfect. You're the strongest person I know. And you're so beautiful. Thank you."

Janis blushes and feels tears start pooling in her eyes. "Don't make me cry, I just got Frankenstein-ed back together."

"I'm sorry," Cady laughs. "But it's true. Thank you for doing this. And I'm sorry you didn't get the experience you wanted."

"We have them," Janis says quietly. "That's all I wanted. They're safe, and they're here."

"And they're perfect," Cady murmurs. "These are ours."

"Our babies," Janis echoes with a smile. "The girl is bigger?"

Cady nods. Janis had been in the process of getting stitched up when the nurse told them, so Cady took in everything she could on her behalf. "She's six pounds and four ounces. This one. And our little boy is six pounds even."

Janis looks at their daughter in her left arm and son in her right. "They look just like you."

"You think?" Cady asks softly, resting her chin on Janis' shoulder. Janis nods and leans even harder back against her.

"They do. They look more similar than I thought they would, too."

"They do," Cady agrees. Both babies have impossibly full cheeks, matching little button noses, pouty mouths, what would be wide eyes if they were open, and Cady's dainty little ears.

Janis pulls off their little beanies, and Cady can feel her sigh.

"What's the matter?"

"I had two blonde babies?" Janis says in exasperation. "Two? Blonde?"

"That's exactly what my hair looked like when I was born," Cady chuckles, looking at the tiny tufts of strawberry blonde hair on each perfect little head.

"I guess I can live with it then," Janis sighs, but Cady can feel her smile. "They need names."

Cady nods. "What do you think?"

Janis looks back and forth between the babies, trying to decide which of them to start with. "He looks a little bit like a Charles."

Cady almost knocks everyone out of the bed in her shock. "You want to name him after my father?"

Janis shrugs. "Why not? Your dad and Charlie are some of the most important people in your life. And how often do you get to bring the fifth generation of a name into the world? Come on."

Cady blinks in surprise as she considers this. She looks down at the little burrito sound asleep in Janis' arms and considers this. "Charles Jacob Heron. The Fifth."

"Jacob," Janis murmurs. "You guys have too many Charles' already. We'll call him Jacob. Jakey."

"Jacob," Cady echoes. Janis gently brings him up to kiss his nose. His eyes flutter open as she brings him back down.

"Hi, baby boy," Janis greets with a smile.

"Hi Jacob," Cady echoes quietly, reaching around her wife to gently stroke his hair. "Happy birthday, handsome."

"Baby Jakey," Janis says. "You like your name?"

Jacob's response is an impossibly wide yawn. Cady and Janis laugh. "Goodness. Being born is hard work, huh?"

"He's such a Jacob," Janis says fondly as she kisses his forehead again and he's asleep once more. "Jakey suits him."

"It does," Cady admits. "You're sure about the name? My father hasn't-"

"I'm sure. Your father has made a lot of progress too. And we can always say we named him after Charlie instead."

"I'd have preferred Clifton," Cady chuckles. "But I guess you're right."

"What's Clif's middle name again?"

"Joseph."

Janis looks back at the baby and wrinkles her nose. She shakes her head. "Nah. He's not a Joey."

"He's a Jakey," Cady says with a smile. "What about our beautiful girl?"

Janis shifts her gaze to the other baby, and finds her awake. She gazes up at them with unfocused little eyes. "Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, sweet girl."

"They really do look so similar," Cady breathes. "Both their eyes are that color."

"What color is it?" Janis says quietly, tilting her head to look. "If I had two blonde, blue-eyed babies I'm going to scream."

"They look more grey to me," Cady says soothingly. "That's exactly what Elsie's eyes looked like when she was born, and they turned brown as she grew. I think they'll get darker."

"They'd better," Janis grumbles sarcastically. "God, she's cute."

"She is," Cady agrees. "Little stinker. You had to be all bendy in there, huh?"

Janis laughs as Cady gently tickles the baby's little chin. "She didn't have much room in there."

"That's true," Cady says. "You never told me that name."

"What name?"

"You said you had a name you really wanted if we had a girl, but you didn't want to tell me until we saw her and knew for sure if it fit her," Cady says. Janis tries to remember that conversation, and she laughs.

"How do you remember that? That was, like, four months ago," she responds. Cady shrugs.

"Naming our babies is important. It stuck out to me."

Janis looks at the baby. "Isla. I fell in love with you on that island that first Christmas."

"Isla," Cady breathes. "It's perfect. Hello, Isla."

"She's looking at you," Janis chuckles. Cady smiles and gently rubs the pad of her thumb up and down the bridge of the impossibly tiny nose. Isla's eyes flutter and it's not long before she's sound asleep. "What about her middle name? You should pick it. I chose all the rest."

"No, we chose together," Cady protests.

"From my suggestions."

"Yeah. That's fine."

"Cads," Janis insists. "Pick a damn name."

"Stop swearing in front of them!" Cady huffs.

Janis turns as best she can to glare at her. "We have, like, at least eight months before they can talk. One damn isn't gonna hurt them."

"You said fuck too," Cady grumbles. Janis laughs and groans at the pain it causes. Cady gently adjusts her wife and peers back at the tiny baby.

She barely has to look at the baby before a name comes to mind.

"Joy."

She can feel Janis smile as their cheeks are pressed together. "It's perfect."

"You think?" Cady asks shyly. Janis nods, and Cady can feel a few tears streaming down her cheek.

"Isla Joy," Janis whispers thickly. "It's beautiful."

"But you really think it suits her?" Cady asks worriedly.

"I think it's perfect for her," Janis nods.

"Really?"

"Caddy," Janis chuckles. "Trust me. Joy is a perfect middle name. I love it. She looks exactly like an Isla Joy. It's just right."

Cady smiles and kisses Janis' neck, looking at both their peacefully sleeping babies. "Isla Joy and Charles Jacob."

"The most precious babies there ever were."

———

Janis is totally dead to the world less than an hour later for a much deserved nap. Cady helpfully deposits the babies back in their... storage containers, she decides to call them, and lingers by her wife for a long time. Long after Janis is asleep, she's still gently tracing shapes on her bicep, murmuring thanks and love into her hair, peppering ghost-light kisses on her forehead.

Janis snuffles at the last one, and the one thing Cady does not want to do is wake her up. Carefully, she removes herself and leaves her wife to nap in peace, and goes to introduce herself to their babies instead.

"Hello, sweet babies," she croons softly as she scoops the tiny new little ones back into her arms and holds them properly, all by herself, for the very first time. "Hi. I'm your mama. Well, one of them. Your other mom is asleep right now. Isn't she beautiful?"

She wanders in circles around the room, pausing frequently to check on Janis or to look at the same view of the random field outside their window.

"I love you so much," she whispers down at the babies. "I've loved you from the moment I found out you existed, and now I finally get to hold you and see your sweet little faces."

She takes a shaky breath as delighted tears start streaming down her face.

"I might not make a very good mom. I definitely won't be perfect. But I promise you both I'm going to try so hard to make your lives amazing. And I'll always, always, love you both," she continues. "You two and your mother are the most precious things I've ever had, do you know that? I'm not going to risk letting anything happen to any of you. I'll keep all of you safe. I promise. And I'll love you your whole lives long."

She jumps as she turns around for another lap around the room and finds Janis awake, smiling at her with a few tears streaming down her face.

"Hi."

"Hi," Janis echoes. "How you doing, Mama?"

"I should be asking you that," Cady says, handing her their daughter while she keeps and smiles at their son.

"I'm fine, Cads. Do you have any idea the amount of drugs I still have coursing through me? I got, like, another good few hours before I really start feeling anything," Janis chuckles. "Ow, shit."

"Exactly," Cady huffs.

"I'm fine, though," Janis insists as she winces through adjusting her position.

"I can get you more meds if you need," Cady says, carefully putting the baby down to help her before she scoops him back up and cradles him close.

"I'm fine," Janis says for a third time. "I promise. Come love on these little munchkins with me."

Cady smiles and sits in a chair next to Janis' bed. "His eyes are so big. And he's got such long eyelashes already. And those chubby baby cheeks."

"They're only gonna get chubbier," Janis says happily. "She has the cutest little ears."

"He does too," Cady smiles. Jacob wraps his tiny hand around her finger, and she kisses the tips of each tiny baby finger. "And his hands are so small."

"Their nails are so tiny," Janis says. Cady nods.

"I can't believe they're actual people. They're so small, there's no way a whole human can fit inside there," she says absently. Janis laughs and groans again.

"Somehow. I'm not sure either," she says. "I'm still not sure how they both fit in me."

"I'm not either. No wonder you've been so sick, your body must have done a whole lot of rearranging to make room."

"You're telling me," Janis hums. "But it was worth it, huh Isla?"

"Now everyone gets to recover," Cady tells Jacob. He blinks at her. "Yeah. You're gonna stay here for a few days, and then Mommy and I get to take you home to rest. And you're gonna barf and poop all over us and scream your little head off at us, and we're still gonna love you! Isn't that wild?"

"Stop making me laugh," Janis groans from the bed. Cady smiles sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"It's okay," she says. She hands Isla back and smiles as she sees her little family all together. "You're so sweet with them already."

"I'm terrified, Janis," Cady whispers, staring into their son's unfocused little grey eyes. "They're so perfect. I can't mess them up."

"We won't," Janis promises. "We have each other."

"But they're... they're like the first snowfall, right now. I can't be the one to mess that up. I don't want to be the first footprint in it," Cady continues desperately.

"We can't help making mistakes. But I know how much you love them, babe, we're gonna do okay. I can't promise we won't fuck them up somehow, but I know we'll do everything we can not to and everything we can to fix it. You've already done so much for them. You took incredible care of me through my whole pregnancy, and you still are. We're gonna figure this out together."

"Together," Cady breathes shakily.

"Always together," Janis promises. "Especially because if you ditch me with these two now I will sue your ass so hard."

Cady laughs. "No, never. You're never ever getting rid of me. I might be one of those mothers who tries to move into the college dorm with her kids."

"Your mom didn't-"

"Of course not, she didn't even know where I was," Cady hums. She looks down to explain to the babies.  "I'm talking about your Nana. She won't treat you that way, I promise. She's done a lot of work on herself. She's already bought you two tons of presents. She can't wait to meet you."

"Oh, shit," Janis says.

"Stop swearing!"

"You're just gonna have to learn to live with it, babes," Janis says with a smile. "We gotta call Damian. I forgot to tell him. Again."

"Yay!" Cady squeals. She looks down at the babies again. "Are you two ready for the loudest phone call of your life? I hope so."

Janis can't help but laugh again, keeping a hand on her pained stomach. They get the four of them situated together on the hospital bed, the babies face-to-face in each of their arms, and Janis holds the phone facing the sleeping babes as the call connects.

As expected, Damian's answer is a shriek as soon as he processes what he's seeing. Janis smiles and turns the camera around to face herself and Cady.

"Those are babies!" he says.

"No shit," Janis says.

"Hey!" Cady insists.

"Hi Caddy!" Damian says eagerly.

Cady laughs. "Hi Dame. Surprise!"

"They're so cute," Damian coos as Janis puts the camera back on the twins. "Oh, they look just like you, Cads."

"They might have Janis' eyes," Cady explains eagerly. "Aren't they perfect?"

"Yes," Damian coos.

"This is our little boy. Charles Jacob, after Caddy's dad. But we're calling him Jacob," Janis says proudly.

"You had a boy?!" Damian squeals.

"We did! We had one of each," Cady confirms. Damian shrieks again.

"Oh my god! Oh, how perfect! Look at them, oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god! What's your girl's name?"

"Isla," Cady says with a smile. "Isla Joy."

"Jacob and Isla," Damian says, testing out the names. "Excellent. They sound like rich people names but not pretentious."

"Perfect," Janis chuckles.

"Have the media hounds swarmed you yet?"

"The media hounds don't know we scheduled a C-section for today. But I'm sure they'll be filling the parking lot before too long," Janis sighs. Cady leans into her comfortingly.

"It'll be okay," she murmurs. "I'll protect you."

"Aww," Damian coos. Cady blushes as she remembers he can, in fact, hear them. Janis leans in for a kiss and elicits yet another shriek from their friend. "It's too cuuuute! I can't stand it!"

"Hang up then, coward," Janis says, like she hasn't just had the softest moment possible with her wife and newborn babies.

"Hey!"

"Janis!" Cady scolds.

"What? I just had two babies cut out of my gut, I get a free day to say whatever I want," Janis hums. Cady shrugs.

"I suppose that's fair," she says. "Sorry Damian."

"It's fine. Lemme see them again," Damian insists. Janis chuckles and obliges, allowing their friend to coo over his niece and nephew for as long as he wants. They stay on the call for almost three hours, talking about the babies and them and everything in between.

"You're still coming for Thanksgiving?" Janis asks before they hang up.

"Yes! And if you try to do a single goddamn thing I swear to god I will drag you through the town square and throw you in the river," Damian says. "Bye. Love you."

"Love you too, D," Janis chuckles. She hangs up and flops back against the pillows with a sigh. "What a day."

"A good day," Cady says.

"The best day," Janis agrees, handing Isla to her and cuddling into her side.

"Get some rest, my love," Cady murmurs, bending at a strange angle to kiss her forehead. "We'll wait for you."

Janis yawns and smiles. "I love you."

"I love you too."

—————

They're all released from the hospital three days later. Cady carefully carries the babies out the doors of the hospital in their top-of-the-line car seats while a nurse wheels Janis behind them. Janis gets in the car first, and then Cady struggles through trying to get the car seats in place for the first time with babies inside.

After a solid hour, the seats are both snapped in where they go, and Cady gets to drive her family home.

They have a crazy first month trying to adjust to having twin newborns. Damian comes and provides them with an excellent but unbelievably chaotic Thanksgiving, and stays for a week afterwards to help them handle everything. Even with a maid and a chef hired on so they could focus almost exclusively on the babies and themselves, it's still unbelievably hard.

Cady is adamant about the two of them being the only ones to raise their babies and absolutely refuses a night doula. She drags both bassinets over to her side of the bed and declares she'll handle all the nighttime bottles and diaper changes. Janis is only woken up when one of the babies is truly desperate for some snuggles from their mommy. Otherwise Cady insists she get plenty of rest and time to heal. Janis doesn't complain.

—-

A week after the twins' one-month birthday, they brave the outside world for the first time. It's Christmas time, and time to take the babies to the annual Christmas celebrations hosted by Cady's parents in one of the Heron Enterprises hotels. Luckily, this year's is close to home, and they only have a few hours' drive instead of an international flight.

Cady smiles as they cross the threshold, and Janis sighs. She's only been out of the hospital for a month. Traveling is hard on her body.

Cady carries the babies in and gently sets them down before she turns to her wife. "You wanna go nap?"

Janis nods. "But they'll want to meet the babies."

"And they'll have plenty of time to," Cady soothes. "Let's go get settled in."

She can see the relief on Janis' face as they head to the elevators instead of right in to greet everyone.

"You feeling okay, baby?" Cady asks, gently cupping Janis' cheek. Janis smiles softly and nods.

"I'm just tired."

"Are you sure?" Cady insists. Janis nods again and takes her hand off her face to hold it instead.

"Promise. Cross my heart and whatnot," she says. Cady smiles and leans in for a kiss.

They both jump the slightest bit when the elevator dings, and freeze when they hear someone inside sigh. The doors open, and out comes Madeleine. She seems rather shocked to see them there. "Hi. I was never here, I saw nothing."

"You don't have to do that, Maddie," Cady chuckles. "Come up with us, you can meet the twins."

Madeleine looks to Janis. Janis smiles and nods, to which her sister-in-law squeals and wraps her in a gentle hug. Cady picks the babies' car seats back up and they all go into the elevator together.

"How are you feeling, Janis? You look incredible, absolutely unfair," Madeleine says, pointedly not looking at the babies so she gets the surprise properly. Janis laughs and winces a bit.

"As well as I can be," she replies, resting a hand over her healing incision. "Considering Cady was positive I'd die on the table."

"Your intestines were outside your body! You need those!" Cady insists frantically. Madeleine laughs.

"I'll make her go easy on you while we're here," she tells Janis. Janis smiles at Cady.

"No need," she says softly. "She barely lets me do anything now."

"Because you need to rest," Cady says.

"They're a month old and you're already spoiling them," Janis chuckles.

"All the siblings do, I think it's genetic," Madeleine chuckles. "When Lennox was little his feet never touched the ground. Callum absolutely refused to let him go."

"How is he sixteen?" Cady sighs sadly.

"He was born sixteen years ago," Janis replies. Cady rolls her eyes lovingly at her.

"I know that. But I still remember holding him in the hospital," Cady says.

"And now you have your own little ones," Madeleine smiles. The elevator reaches the right floor, so everyone trails out and down the hall to their room. "Now let me at 'em."

Cady rests both seats on the bed and carefully undoes their buckles. "Who do you want?"

"Both!" Madeleine says as if it's entirely obvious. Janis laughs and picks up Jacob, so Cady gets Isla out.

"This is Jakey," Janis says as she gently hands him to his aunt. "Jacob. And that's Isla."

"How beautiful," Madeleine coos. "God, I miss babies. These two are dangerous."

"Maddie, you had four, that's plenty," Cady chuckles.

"But mine are all big now. These two are still in the smushy little baby stage," Madeleine sighs.

Janis chuckles and gets herself comfortable in bed. Cady leaves Madeleine to coo over the gingerbread man-patterned onesies the twins have on while she sees to her wife. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Do you want to stay?" Janis replies. Cady pauses and considers this. As soon as she's downstairs, she'll be bombarded with questions about Janis and the babies. Part of her wants to go so Janis doesn't have to deal with that on top of healing and struggling through keeping twin babies alive. But the rest of her is just very tired.

"Yes... please. Is that okay? That leaves you with more to handle," she says anxiously. Janis chuckles and scoots over to make room for her to nap too.

"That's just fine. We'll do it together," Janis whispers. Cady nods and cuddles into her.

They're long asleep by the time Maddie gently rests the babies in their cribs and tiptoes out the door.

—-

A few hours later, they enter the foyer hand in hand with babies in arms. You'd think Jesus himself had just walked into the room.

Everyone turns to look, everyone gasps and starts chattering all at once, everyone rushes up and starts coming over the little ones, touching their hands and little cheeks and asking if they can hold them.

They both say yes and watch anxiously as their twins are passed from relative to relative. Cady swoops in to follow one around as Hazel, Charlie and Violeta's surprise daughter and the youngest of the kids (until now) at just seven years old peeks over her big brother Henry's shoulder and asks if she can hold baby Jacob.

Janis bites her lip as a ten-year-old Naomi and her nine-year-old brother Zacharias fight over Isla. The fight is broken up by Cady's mother, who takes the baby and kisses her before Janis can get a single word in about not doing that, please and thank you. She starting to get dizzy, looking desperately back and forth between both of her babies and trying to keep track of where they are. Isla's with her Nana- no, now Fiona has her. Now Jacob's with Hazel and Isla's been moved to Lana and-

"Hey, are you okay?"

Janis jumps and looks to see Madeleine next to her. Janis blinks back tears and shakes her head. Madeleine frowns in concern and takes a step closer so nobody can overhear them.

"What's the matter?"

"I need them back," Janis chokes. "I-I... I..."

"Say no more. Leave it to me," Madeleine says. Janis watches through teary eyes as she swoops around the room and returns with her wife and a baby, then sends the two of them out of the room and meets them in the hall with the other.

"Thank you," Janis sobs quietly as she finally has both her little ones back in her arms.

"Baby, what happened?" Cady asks in concern, cupping Janis' face with a hand and brushing the tears from her cheek with a gentle swipe of her thumb.

"I don't know," Janis sobs. "I just... there's so-so many people, and-and... I couldn't see them both and-and-and... I don't know!"

Madeleine gently wraps an arm around her shoulders and rubs her arm soothingly. "Cads, do you remember that time when Lennox was a baby and I had a panic attack because I couldn't find him? And it turned out you just had him in the bathroom and were trying to give him pigtails?"

"Yeah," Cady says in confusion. "Why?"

"This is that," Madeleine replies. "But worse."

Janis somehow hasn't heard that story before and releases a strangled sort of half-sob-half-laugh. "I... I trust ev-everyone, but I-I-I panic every time they're out of-of my sight, and-and I couldn't see-see them at the same time, and I-I just... I don't know."

"You don't have to explain, my love," Cady hushes. "I'm sorry, I didn't even think about how overwhelming that would've been for you."

"It's okay," Janis sniffs, leaning into her.

"You take your time. I'll go make something up, come back in when you're ready. Cady will make sure this happens on terms you're okay with," Madeleine says comfortingly.

"Thanks, Maddie," Janis sniffles again. "Did Lenny ever get his pigtails?"

Madeleine smiles. "He called her Auntie Piggies until he was four."

"He liked them!" Cady defends.

"Tell that to Fiona. Your next victim," Madeleine chuckles. She heads back into the room, leaving Cady, Janis, and the twins alone in the hall. Cady looks at the little ones still asleep and curled up in Janis' arms, and Janis' chest shaking as she tries to calm down.

"Come here," Cady coaxes gently. Janis sniffles and follows her down the hall to the parlor. Cady sits on one of the sofas that's there more for decoration than actually to be sat on, and Janis sits next to her. "Are you alright, love?"

Janis nods, but she doesn't say anything. She keeps her eyes firmly on the babies and firmly off her wife.

"No, you're not," Cady insists with a furrowed brow. "Talk to me. Please."

Janis looks up at her, her eyes watering again. "I'm sorry."

"No, honey," Cady says desperately.

“I'm sorry," Janis repeats. Cady watches in concern as she starts sobbing again.

"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for," Cady murmurs. "I just need to know what's been going on. I need to know how I can help, that's all."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Janis sobs quietly. "I-I didn't know how, and everything just... it just..."

"I know," Cady hushes. "Will you tell me now? Or try? I'm your wife, you don't have to justify yourself to me. Just tell me how you're feeling."

"I don't even know," Janis chokes. Cady shifts off the couch and crouches in front of her, squeezing Janis' hands and looking deep into her eyes.

"Just try, please?"

Janis sighs and takes a long time to collect herself. Cady just squeezes her hands and lets her. Janis takes a deep breath before she begins, "I-I don't know what's wrong with me."

Cady frowns as she sees tears welling in her eyes yet again. "Nothing, baby, absolutely nothing is wrong with you."

"I can't... I can't breathe when they're out of my sight," Janis whispers. "Every time, even if you have them and I know they're okay, I just... I... I get so freaked out worrying about if they're still breathing or if they're hungry or hot or sick or even if they're just... I don't know, itchy, or something. I... I know in my head that they're fine, but I always just run through the worst-case scenarios and I just get myself even more worked up, and..."

She trails off, but Cady doesn't need to hear anything more. "How long?"

"Hm?"

"How long have you been feeling like this?" Cady asks. Janis is quiet again.

"...Since we found out she was breech."

It's Cady's turn to be quiet. "Three months?"

"I-I guess, yeah," Janis sniffles.

"Three months?!" Cady repeats. "You've been suffering like this for three months and you didn't tell me? Why?! Why wouldn't you-"

"I didn't know how!" Janis says pleadingly.

"I could've done something so much sooner if I had known-"

"What was I supposed to say? That I turn into a neurotic, jittery, anxious pile of garbage on the brink of a heart attack every time I blink?!"

"Yes!" Cady insists. "Yes, you were! Because then we could've had this conversation before bringing them to meet my entire family and I could've understood before you had a panic attack! And I could've put together that you've clearly been suffering from postpartum anxiety much sooner and gotten you the proper help for it!"

Janis looks down again. Cady takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. This shouldn't be an argument."

Janis shakes her head. "It's my fault."

"No, baby, it isn't," Cady insists, shifting to hold Janis' face instead. "You've been struggling, and you didn't have the words to let me know. I wish you had tried anyway, but... this has already happened. All we can do is go forward. And going forward, I need you to tell me when things aren't right, please. Even if you can't figure out how, just tell me something is wrong and we'll figure out what it is together, okay? I hate seeing you so upset."

"I should've told you sooner. I knew this would happen."

"Maybe, but there's nothing to be done about it now. I know now, and I can help."

Janis nods her head to signal she wants Cady next to her again. Cady sits down, and Janis leans into her. "I need help."

"I know," Cady whispers.

"Finding out that she was breech hit me harder than I thought it did. And knowing there was always a chance with the way she was positioned that something could've gone wrong and they'd miss it. I-I wanted to be a chill mom, and I thought I was, but it just turned my world upside-down and I haven't gotten back. I just feel that... loss of knowing, I guess. Of control. And I'm terrified every time I can't see for myself that they're okay that they're actually... not. Even if they were a second before."

Cady lets a few of her own tears slip into Janis' hair. "I'm so sorry, my love. I should've noticed."

Janis chuckles softly. "You've been mighty sleep deprived."

"Is that why you've been so insistent on helping with their night feedings?"

Janis shakes her head. "That's because I'm worried about you. I still get it when they're with you, but not anywhere near as strong as when they're just in their cots or whatever."

"Or with other people?"

"Apparently," Janis sighs.

"I'm getting you a therapist," Cady says softly. "That's a non-negotiable."

Janis nods. "Okay."

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Janis asks, looking up at her.

"I can't believe I didn't see how much you've been struggling," Cady says. "I should've noticed."

"Don't beat yourself up about it," Janis says softly, tucking back into her. "I kinda made sure you didn't."

"Don't ever do it again," Cady begs. "Please. I want to know. I want to help."

Janis nods. "I won't."

They both look down when they feel a wiggle, and see Jacob wriggling crankily before he releases a shrill cry. "Oh, pumpkin."

Janis carefully adjusts him to check her watch. "It is lunch time, huh?"

"I'll get their bottles," Cady says. "Gimme this one. Practice."

Janis chuckles as she passes Isla to her wife and smiles at them together. Cady gently scoops Isla beneath the shoulders and kisses her nose before cradling her in her arm. Janis sees to hushing Jacob and waiting for them to return.

Cady carries Isla into the kitchen to prepare the twins' bottles. Janis tries not to laugh as she hears Cady talking to the baby. Hearing the woman who talks like she's straight out of a Dickens novel cooing, "Hello, my sweet little princess babykins, are you ready for a baba? Are you hungry? Yeah? My sweet widdle pumpyumpykins. Let's get your baba." in a ridiculously high pitch is comical in a way few can describe.

After about five minutes and the terrible, deafening sounds of the bottle machines going off, Cady returns with their daughter and two bottles to feed them.

“He back to sleep?" she asks when she sees Janis gently rocking their son. Janis nods with a soft smile and gently strokes one of his chubby cheeks with the back of her index finger. "Good."

"How's our pumpyumpykins?" Janis asks with a small giggle. Cady flushes a remarkable shade of scarlet and looks down at the baby with a whine.

"You heard that?"

Janis nods and giggles again as she slowly stands and heads over to her. "Yeah, I did. But I think it's cute."

"I can't help it," Cady whines. "They're both so precious."

"I do it too," Janis chuckles. "It's just funny when you do."

"It is? Why?" Cady asks, tilting her head like a confused puppy.

"Because most of the time you have a transatlantic accent and use words like shan't and chauffeur and legality and clams."

Cady laughs outright at that. "Clams?"

"Hey, I'd never had one before I met you, far as I'm concerned they're a fancy food," Janis chuckles. She kisses Cady's forehead, and Cady smiles up at her.

“I love you," Cady says.

"I love you too," Janis replies. She doesn't quite know where that came from, but she'll always say it.

"Are you ready to go back in? We can just call it if you're not. I'll handle everything," Cady asks gently.

Janis inhales heavily and looks between the babies. She wants to go back in, wants everyone to have their proper chance to meet their grandchildren and niece and nephew and cousins, but her body is still tense and her mind is still racing. Cady notices her hesitation and takes her hand again.

"What if we did one at a time? You can keep your eyes on the one being held and keep the other with you," she suggests. "We can give Isla her bottle now and wait a bit on Jakey, since he's asleep. And you can just say you want to feed and burp him yourself. And by the time he's done everyone will probably have finished with her and we can swap them."

Janis considers this, and she nods. "That would be great."

"And I'll mention not kissing them again," Cady promises. "Just to be safe."

"Thank you," Janis whispers, kissing her wife soundly. Cady just smiles into it and kisses her back.

They linger on the bench outside while Cady gives Isla her bottle and they both have a chance to coo over and focus on her. Janis braces as she swallows the last of her milk away and Cady props her up to be burped.

"Ready?" she asks when Isla's all situated. Janis nods, and they head back into the living room where everyone is waiting.

Janis was expecting people to stare, ask questions, have noticed what happened, but nobody seems to. Whether they're pretending or genuinely just absorbed in their own conversations, Janis is relieved.

One person did notice, however. Hazel comes up to the two of them looking very sheepish. She quietly says, "I'm sorry I held the baby. I saw you crying."

Janis frowns. "No, kiddo, it wasn't your fault. You guys just looked so sweet together I got emotional. And the babies needed their lunch, so we just went to get that, see?"

She gestures vaguely with Jacob as he's eating his bottle. Janis smiles down at her son as he makes a little coo around it that sounds vaguely affirmative.

"See? He says he's okay too," Janis comforts.

"Oh," Hazel says, visibly brightening.

"Would you like to meet Isla?" Cady asks with a smile. Hazel bounces up and down rapidly and nods. "Go sit down."

Hazel runs back to her brothers on the sofa and plops herself down, eagerly holding out her hands. Janis watches Cady prop her arms with pillows before she ever so gently lays their sleeping little girl in her cousin's arms.

"Remember not to kiss them, please," Cady says softly. Hazel nods and looks down at her other new baby cousin.

"They look the same," Hazel says, making sure to be quiet. Cady laughs softly.

"They do. Auntie Janis and I weren't sure how similar they'd look, but sometimes even we have a hard time telling them apart," she says.

For all her loud and bold personality, Hazel is remarkably still and quiet as she holds and looks at the baby. "Would she fit in my baby doll clothes?"

"Maybe," Cady giggles. "If it's a very big baby doll."

Hazel considers this and shakes her head. "It's small."

Cady chuckles and continues watching like a hawk. Isla just snoozes, and Hazel just watches.

"Can I kiss her on her foot?" she asks after a while. Cady looks to Janis. Janis chuckles and nods.

"Go ahead," Cady says. Hazel happily picks up Isla's leg and carefully kisses the bottom of her tiny foot. She smiles contently and gently pats the baby for good measure.

She stays there a while longer before she asks, "Can I go play now?"

Cady laughs and gently removes the baby from her lap. "Of course. Go have fun."

"Bye!" Hazel says to the baby in a quiet but eager voice before she runs off to try to cajole Zacharias into playing with her. Cady carefully hands Isla to the next relative wanting to meet her, her brother Clifton, and smiles proudly as she stands protectively nearby. Janis smiles faintly from her spot nestled in the couch as their son finishes off his bottle and she props him up to burp him.

Surprisingly, nobody tries to take him. Hannah sits down next to them and coos over him for a bit, and Janis happily lets her hold him while keeping a sharp watch on their daughter. After about the fifth check in, she realizes her wife has everything handled. Isla is safe.

Before too long, everyone's met and held both babies at least once. Introductions have been made, uncles have been pooped on, big yawns have been tossed around at aunties, and many a stretch has happened in the arms of grandparents.

"You're gonna get a lot of loving from all those people," Cady informs the babies as they're in the elevator on the way back up to their room to prepare for dinner. "That went well, I think."

"It did," Janis agrees. "Other than me having a panic attack."

"Of course, other than that," Cady says hastily. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Janis promises.

"Good," Cady says. "Let's skip dinner."

"What?"

"We've already seen everyone, they can live without us for one night," Cady insists.

"But it's Christmas Eve," Janis says, frowning in confusion. "Don't you wanna spend it with your family?"

"That is exactly what I want," Cady whispers, gently pressing her against the wall for a kiss once they're on their floor and being very careful not to squish the babies between them. "Let's have our dinner sent up and snuggle our babies in bed and watch Christmas movies."

"That sounds amazing," Janis whispers against her lips. Cady kisses her once more before leading her back to their room to get cozy in their huge bed.

—-

"These movies are so unrealistic," Janis huffs at their third Hallmark movie. "There's no way a princess would just ask some schmuck into her palace like that!"

Cady looks between her, herself, their babies, back to her, around the room, and back to her.

"Shut up. I'm not a schmuck."

"I never said you were!" Cady laughs. "I do think you're right, though. We must be an anomaly."

"Not everyone gets knocked on their ass by a hot billionaire," Janis agrees. Cady giggles against her shoulder.

During the Muppet Christmas Carol, Janis feels Cady's head shift to peek down at the babies, as they sleep side-by-side in a special basket all bundled up together. Jacob's forehead rests just against Isla's cheek, and their arms are as linked as newborn babies can manage. Cady whispers, "They're so precious."

Janis looks down at their little ones and smiles. "Yeah, they are."

"You made these," Cady continues softly, gently adjusting Jacob's Santa onesie away from his neck and ever so gently patting his belly.

"I made them out of you," Janis hums contently. "Those little button noses are all yours, and their lips, and their ears. And their skin is really fair, so they'll probably get a few freckles as they grow. And their hair is yours, and their eyebrows."

"I think they'll have your eyes, though," Cady says happily. "Pretty brown. And I think they have your lips, not mine."

"Really?" Janis asks. Cady nods happily. Janis chuckles and noses into her hair. "Maybe."

"Definitely," Cady says. She's quiet for a moment before she softly says, "I've been a billionaire all my life. My play jewelry when I was a kid had real gold and gems. And these are still the most precious things I've ever had in my life."

Janis smiles even wider and kisses Cady wherever she can reach. "Good thing you get to keep 'em, then."

She can feel Cady smile, and Cady shifts to ever so gently straddle her at her hips. She takes special care not to aggravate Janis' still healing belly and gently leans down, cups her face between her hands, and kisses her soundly. "Thank you."

"For what?" Janis gasps in between kisses.

"Them. You," Cady replies, kissing her hard again. "Everything. You're just as precious to me as they are. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. The best thing I ever ran over on the sidewalk."

"So you admit you ran me over now, hm?" Janis laughs, threading her fingers through Cady's hair and smiling into a much more gentle kiss.

"You carried my twins for almost nine months, it's kind of the least I can do," Cady replies haughtily. Janis chuckles again and pulls her down harder against her. Cady happily leans in and kisses her again, and again, and again.

"I love you," Janis whispers when they take a pause to breathe.

"I love you," Cady echoes. They both turn their heads to the side when they hear a sort of squawk, and find Isla wriggling crankily before she lets out a shrill cry. Cady pouts and quickly scoots off of Janis to scoop her up before she can wake Jacob. "Oh, pumpkin, what happened, hm? We love you too, you know, you don't have to be so sad! Oh, what's the matter, come here. Mama has you, you're alright."

"You're so good with them," Janis murmurs, leaning into Cady's shoulder as she carefully cradles the baby's neck and tucks her into her chest. Janis strokes her fingers up and down the baby's back to help soothe her as Cady gently pats her little bum and hushes her.

Cady chuckles like she doesn't believe her and shakes her head.

"You are," Janis insists. "Look how quick you got her calmed down."

Isla gives a couple more half-hearted wails before she changes her mind and contents herself with being held. Cady smiles and pulls her back a bit to see her little face. "There we go, hi, baby. You just needed a little love, huh?"

"You just needed to hang out with Mama for a second, hm? Mama makes it all better," Janis coos. Isla coos back. "Yeah. She's the best, isn't she?"

"Nooo," Cady hums at the baby, holding her close again to kiss her cheek before she passes her to Janis. "Your mommy is the best. Yeah, there you go!"

Janis adjusts the lot of them, so Cady is half-sitting against the headboard, Janis is reclined with her back against Cady's chest, and Isla is carefully propped into a sit against Janis' bent legs. Janis holds her hands to keep her steady and makes sure the baby doesn't really have to hold up her own head all that much. It's hard work when you're only a month old.

"Hi, pretty girl," Janis coos when they're all settled. She gently combs a hand through Isla's little tuft of strawberry blonde hair. "Did you have a good nap with bubby? Yeah? Good sleep?"

Cady smiles and rests her head on Janis' shoulder. "Hi pumpkin. Sweet baby girl."

Each of them take turns cooing over their daughter, both of them already knowing one-on-one time with either of their babies will become a progressively more rare commodity. Jacob is perfectly content to continue his snooze by himself in the basket for now.

Isla's still-unfocused little gaze gradually shifts back and forth between her mothers, and she makes little happy grunts every now and again in response to their adoring words being poured over her.

After about their fifth turn each, it's back to Cady again. "Our little munchkin, look at you! Don't you look so sweet in your Christmas jammies, huh? Yeah, you do! Our pretty little sweet baby girl. Mama loves you so much."

They both gasp softly as Isla's little lips twitch and her face splits into her first-ever real smile.   Cady starts crying, and Janis feels a few tears slip down her cheeks too. "Look at that pretty smile!"

"That's a very good smile," Cady agrees tearfully. "Jay, she smiled at us."

"That she did," Janis agrees with a sniffle. She gently tickles under Isla's chin to see if she'll do it again, and they both giggle as she smiles at them again. "Yeah! Oh, we love that smile."

"So much," Cady hums. "We love that whole little smushy baby."

"Her first smile," Janis hums with one of her own.

"She's so beautiful," Cady sniffles. "Both of them are. I love them so much. I love you so much."

"I love you too," Janis echoes. She scoops the baby up higher and kisses her nose. "And you." She leans down carefully to kiss Jacob's cheek, causing him to give a little twitch in his sleep. Cady and Janis both giggle. "And you."

"Merry Christmas, my love," Cady says quietly. "Thank you for the best presents ever."

"Merry Christmas, baby," Janis replies. "And Merry Christmas, babies."

—————

tadaaaa i hope you enjoyed!!

tbh the only reason these two are twins is because i couldn't pick who i wanted to be older so i did a little fun thing with that lol. and also some of you may notice the babies did not in fact exit janis' vagina as i said in the last chapter of this series and the reason for that is i changed my gotdang mind. this'll probably be the last time we see these versions of them, at least for a while. it's been fun getting to play around so much with an au but we'll be back to your regularly scheduled cadnis in the new year (finally with picking teams again too aaah!) i also want to thank you all for being so patient with me this year. i'm painfully aware i haven't posted very much, but thank you all so much for all the love on what i have been able to put up. this year has been incredibly painful for me. people i'm close with have passed away, my works have been stolen, and my disability and mental health have gotten worse on top of it all. unfortunately that makes writing really hard, but seeing all your comments and hits and reactions have been the shining lights through it all. thank you <33 thank you all so much again for all your love and support this year. thanks for sticking with me :)) i hope your christmas was merry if you celebrate and if not i hope your day was amazing. see y'all in 2024 <3 lots of love, ezzy

[vienna-fiore]

I’m putting on a smile, but inside, I feel like I’m unraveling. I can’t sleep, not really. Every time I try, my mind races with every “what if” imaginable. What if Sunny’s blanket shifts? What if she stops breathing and I don’t notice? So instead of sleeping, I watch her. I sit by her bassinet in the dead of night, straining to hear every little sound she makes, barely blinking just to make sure her tiny chest keeps rising and falling.

It’s like I’ve forgotten how to eat, too. Food feels pointless when all I can think about is Sunny — when she’s awake, when she’s asleep, if she’s okay, if I’m doing enough. I nibble here and there, but nothing feels appetizing. It’s like my body is in a constant state of tension, like I’m holding my breath all day long.

I haven’t left the house since her newborn check-up, and even that felt like stepping into a minefield. Every cough, every stranger who got too close — it all felt like a threat. The idea of taking her out again is unbearable. What if something happens? What if someone touches her, or if the world outside is just too much for her tiny, fragile body?

My roots are growing in, and I can’t bring myself to care. I used to take such pride in how I looked, in keeping myself together. Now, I barely recognize myself when I catch a glimpse in the mirror. My hair’s a mess, my skin looks dull, and I’m still in the same sweats I’ve been wearing for days. I know I should care—I know this isn’t me—but the thought of doing anything for myself feels impossible.

And yet, I can’t let anyone see this. What would they think of me? A bad mom? Weak? Ungrateful? Lorenzo’s been so good, so supportive, and I smile and tell him I’m just tired, but the truth is, I feel like I’m going insane. I can’t tell Nicola or Gemma or Chiara. I can’t tell anyone. They’d say I need help, but all I need is to get through this.

I just have to survive the newborn stage, right? It’ll get better. She’ll get bigger, and I’ll sleep again, and I’ll remember how to be me. It has to get better. Until then, I’ll just keep watching her, making sure she’s okay. If I can keep her safe, then I can handle this. I have to.

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

Ranking Ryoshu On The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (based on my head cannons and own characterization, not fact)

TWS for self harm, suicidal themes, depression (unsure how to do these but its general feelings of depression and Ryoshu. It's supposed to be raw in a sense? I don't think I go into it enough.)

Also obligatory this is for fun, don't take this seriously. This is a real test a patient takes 6-8 weeks after pregnancy but I am not a valid doctor. I am not in the medical feild. I can't help you with anything.

What is Postnatal Depression?: Postnatal Depression is the feeling of anxiety, stress, frustration, ect. after birthing a child. It can be both experinced by males and females. These are general feelings of inadequacy and unease. Woman normally recover about the baby's 6 months old mark.

This can be caused by internal factors like the change in horemones after the baby comes out or external factors likes marital problems outside the baby's control, finance issues, and other outside factors.

What is the diffrence between Portnatal and Postpartum Depression?: Their the same thing, Postnatal just focuses on the mother.

What is The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale?: A scale ranging from 0 - 30 used to grade severity of postnatal depression.

How Is This Scored?: A score below 9 is safe, 9 - 12 is normal feelings of sadness (no alarm). Above 12 requires a trained clinician. a 2 or 3 on question 10 is alarming. I have also found a link here: https://med.stanford.edu/content/dam/sm/ppc/documents/DBP/EDPS_text_added.pdf

Where Does This Come From?: The Deleloping Person Through Childhood and Adolescence Twelfth Edition by Kathleen Stassen Berger

Senario: Ryoshu has had Yuzuki out of the womb for a few days. Ryoshu has biologically birthed Yuzuki alone without whoever the partner is with her.

Choices highlighted in red would be what I imagine Ryoshu choosing if she was 100% honest. Realistically, I imagine her bluffing all the way if she were actually filling it out, but she'd give it a read. I beleive she'd give it a chance and humor it at least.

The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale

I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things

0- As much as I always could

1- Not quite so much now

2- Definitely not so much

3- Not at all

2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things

0- as much as i ever did

1- rather less than i used to

2 - definitely less than i used to

3- hardly ever at all

3. I have also blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wong

3- Yes, most of the time

2 - Yes, some of the time

1 - Not very often

0 - No, never

4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason

0 - No, not at all

1- Hardly ever

2 - Yes, sometimes

3- Yes, Often

5. I have felt scared of panicky for no very good reason

3- yes, quite a lot

2- yes sometimes

1 - No not much

0 - No not at all

6. Things have been getting on top of me

3 - Yes most of the time i haven't been able to cope at all

2- Yes sometimes I haven't been coping as well as usual

1- No, most of the time I have coped quite well

0 - No, I have been coping as well as ever

7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping

3 - Yes most of the time

2 - Yes, sometimes

1- Not very often

0 - No, not at all

8. I have felt sad or miserable

3 - Yes, most of the time

2 - yes quite often

1 - Not very often

0 - No, not at all

9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying

3- Yes, most of the time

2- Yes, quite often

1 - Only occasionally

0 - No, never

10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me.

3 - Yes, Quite often

2- Sometimes

1 - Hardly ever

0 - Never

Final Score: 20

Final Thoughts: I think the 12 as a score for concern should be upper more for City residents given the general gloom and doom. I think I lightened it up too much? Depending on the writer, depending on the person's interpretations, Ryoshu could score higher or lower.

I think Ryoshu can see the fun side of things, she always had a sense of humor even if its morbid at times and she tries sometimes to make jokes like when she introduced herself to Dante originally and her general vibes. I think she's very self aware of what she does. However, she can't laugh or make jokes when something as serious as delivering a baby just happened. Esspically if she were the sole caretaker without help or emotional support

At this point, I think she feels numb. Looking forward to something? I beleive Ryoshu to be more pessimistic and pragmatic when it comes to occurances and events in The City, the way residents are socalized, esspically Backstreet residents. The birth of Yuzuki I imagine brings forth complications. Part of Hell Screen's termoil and themes are mesuring the importance to your ambitions with your connections outside, like family.

She hasn't killed her daugher yet. If she was bluffing, she'd pick 'No, never'.

'No, not at all' or 'Hardly ever' is a more realistic Ryoshu response if she was bluffing. I just beleive that she is anxious and worried because how could she not when so many things are happening around her? Actual family seems important to Ryoshu, I'm thinking she even had theses beleifs before Yuzuki, abeit influnced heavily by her orgins with The Five Fingers.

Another thing she'd never admit aloud because showing weakness in The City is a death sentence. Or maybe she could get away with saying it is a good reason, that's why she needs to light up another cig and take a long draw, staring off somewhere.

So many of these, she would bluff or basically death threat you for asking, perhaps even walk away. She wouldn't like playing along with this for too long. This halfway-ish point most likely is where she gets visually annoyed. Esspcially now, she more irritable.

How can she sleep? Do I think Ryoshu knows the proper flexible scedule method after taking the baby home from the hospital? No. But maybe she's unintentionally doing it by setting the baby down and leaving it alone to sleep, rarely doing anything to aid it (except maybe sing. I'm biased to the image of Ryoshu singing lullubys to Yuzuki ) Honest to god, she's doing her best but it takes all her patience. There may also be a minor identity crisis between her own personal identity and feeling teathered to Yuzuki in a sense.

Its the City, I think most people feel sad and miserable often, desease of the mind sort of deal. Ryoshu cuts some of that away with her artistic passion though. Its how she keeps grounded.

This one was the hardest for me to catagorize. Ryoshu cries. Ryoshu cries by herself more than she lets on or tells people. That's one of my personal headcanons for her. Ryoshu's very in control of herself and selective of emotions she shows others, but she cries alone in silence. No tears need to come out from her eyes. People can cry without the waterworks.

Even before Yuzuki, having the baby will not make this any beter, but after the Postnatal Depression is gone from her system, it'll stablize. Ryoshu just doesn't care much about her body in the sense, in multiple ids its been shown she doesn't take care of herself, she's more focused on making good art. It's just very interesting of her in my eyes. Perhaps quite often is an overexaggeration but you never know with Ryoshu.

Aaaa trying to examine Ryoshu under a microscope with the little info we have is so fun. Man, I want to hug Ryoshu. If your reading this far, thank you so much.

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Kirsty angst hurts but the headcanons? 🥺🥺

TW: Medical content, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse/addiction, miscarriage, abortion, emotional abuse, not very Paris or Gilmore (Emily, Rory, Lorelai) friendly

feels like i'm still missing stuff but like oh well

Kirsty was born with underdeveloped inner ears, she has always had moderate hearing loss (undiagnosed) but when she gets a head injury in the s2 car accident, it becomes more severe and finally gets diagnosed

Whenever Kirsty is really stressed or overwhelmed, she goes into a deep cleaning overdrive until she physically can’t anymore and just ends up laying on the floor wherever she was last working

Kirsty starts wearing hearing aids when she's 17, she gets her first cane at 18 but doesn't need it all the time, and as an adult she gets a second cane (she gets the floral cane in high school, the chair cane as an adult)

Kirsty suffers from a lot of chronic pain from dance (especially hips, knees, and ankles) and is almost always using at least one hot water bottle when she’s at home, as well as even more general chronic pain

Kirsty also struggles with chronic fatigue, she struggles to force herself out of bed most days which is a significant factor in her coffee addiction, though even then it doesn't help very much.

Kirsty has Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, which is an abnormal heartbeat. It's present from birth but it's common to not exhibit symptoms for a long time – in Kirsty’s case it first flared up the summer after s2 but with cutting back caffeine and getting treatment for her anxiety it got under control before much testing was done; she’s had a few episodes since then but it doesn’t get really bad again until season 7 where it leads to surgery and more long term heart issues

She doesn’t realize it until her s7 heart issues but she’s absolutely terrified to die

She's allergic to latex and mushrooms

Kirsty has had an eating disorder since she was eight years old – this isn't including the fact that she is autistic and very particular about her food as well. It was the result of Emily's constant criticism of Kirsty's appearance and eating habits, and a bit of Kirsty's major control issues spiralling

She started taking anxiety medication in New York, but has kept it a secret because she knows that both Emily and Lorelai would react very negatively

Kirsty battles with alcoholism and drug addiction for most of her life. It starts in her freshman year of high school – originally with alcohol and smoking but then she also starts smoking weed (doesn't particularly like it but it makes her less socially anxious at parties) and starts doing coke. She is able to get mostly sober but has some relapses over the years.

Kirsty has five children, four pregnancies, and two labours. Her first pregnancy is before season 1, she gets an abortion (Chandler is the only person who knows, she tells Logan a couple of years later but pre-Yale). Her second pregnancy is either through s3 (in piece) or just after graduating Yale (my way/most AUs). Her third is in either s6 (in piece) or s7 (my way), she miscarries. And her fourth is when she's in her thirties, the labour almost kills her. She has twins the first time and triplets the last.

She also struggles from postpartum depression. She's mostly okay the first time, throwing herself into preparing for Yale helps to distract her, but it's very bad with the triplets

Kirsty absolutely adores the snow. She loves rain too, but snow is as magical to her as it is to Lorelai.

Kirsty is also always cold. So while she loves snow, she does end up suffering a lot because once she gets cold, she really struggles to warm back up, but she'll curl up under blankets with her hot water bottles and tea/hot chocolate and look at the snow out the window

Kirsty fractures her ankle in Presenting Lorelai Gilmore ( only in My Way ), she also fractures her wrist in Teach Me Tonight. She gets a severe concussion in Teach Me Tonight as well, and cracks at least two ribs, and has a spinal injury and another severe concussion from Forester pushing her down a flight of stairs in Keg Max

When Kirsty has her bad heart flare up in s7, Colin and Finn drop everything to move into the apartment and help out – in both verses, as does Jess (in My Way, he already lived with her in Piece) and Tristan (in Piece, he already lived with her in My Way), and Logan tries to come back to New Haven as often as possible

Kirsty is the absolute worst when she’s sick!  She does not take care of herself and will keep going until the collapses!  She’s very self sufficient and will insist that she’s absolutely fine, no matter how bad things actually are!  It’s very difficult to convince her to let anyone help, or even to get her to admit that she’s sick — it started when she was a child because of her refusal to miss a dance competition over being sick, so she would just take as much cold medicine as she safely could and just kept dancing, and she’s carried that well into adulthood

(and in more serious cases, of which she’s definitely had some, her deep rooted fear of hospitals and doctors absolutely leads to her doing anything to not have to actually see a doctor, she also really is deeply deeply terrified of doctors and if she has to go to a hospital or doctor's office she will have at least one panic attack, regardless of whether or not she's the patient)

Kirsty is very prone to dissociative episodes and goes nonverbal when they happen, it's her brain's way of protecting her from her anxiety – they're set off the most by Emily, Lorelai, Forester, and Christopher

Kirsty is the reason that Paris doesn't get into Harvard. She calls Kirsty the R slur (in front of half their grade and multiple teachers) and Kirsty flips her shit and immediately goes to Charleston, throws a bit of a fit, he’s just kind of like “sucks to suck”, and looking him in the eye she picks up the phone on his desk and calls Emily. needless to say, he backtracks quickly and suspends her, and removes her as editor of the paper (I’m sort of considering having this be in s3 during the student council mess bc then she could also be removed as class president)

Kirsty is beyond pissed to end up in a quad with she and Rory at Yale, and is trying to petition to be able to move rooms. Ultimately, after Emily decides to redecorate the dorm without permission, Kirsty gets a note from her therapist saying that for her physical and mental safety/wellbeing, Kirsty will no longer be living on campus (Kirsty also threatens to sue them and to sell the story to the press) – she gets herself an apartment and doesn't tell anyone where she lives

Kirsty has endometriosis. Her periods are very irregular and very painful, it's also one of the factors in sex being extremely uncomfortable for her, and causes her severe nausea

Kirsty has (at least) three service dogs over the years, starting in s7! They're all introduced here!

When Emily is mad at Kirsty, she burns childhood photos of her (Richard has learned to have his own copies of every photo) and says she’s having a funeral for her granddaughter – side note, Kirsty has significantly more of a relationship with Emily growing up than Rory did. Emily pays for all of Kirsty's dance fees (lessons, shoes, travel, competitions, costumes, etc, plus is the one to take her to New York every year when she does Nutcracker) but in exchange, Kirsty visits her once a week (usually Sunday afternoons), is a very involved DAR member, and helps out with every event that Emily hosts

[austerez]

꒰⠀⠀⠀⠀greta  onieogou.   thirty-one.   cis  woman.   she/her.⠀⠀⠀⠀꒱        hold  your  f***  horses  !   yulia  adamu  has  just  been  spotted  walking  into  revolution  headquarters  .  she’s  best  known  for  being  an  r&b  singer  and  has  been  signed  with  the  label  for  seven  years  .  she  shares  a  lot  of  interesting  things  about  life  in  the  music  industry  on  her  social  media  ,  so  make  sure  you  don’t  forget  to  follow  her  at  @yulia  .  fans  know  her  for  being  goofy  but  i  swear  she’s  got  a  fickle  side  as  well  .  maybe  that  explains  why  she’s  always  associated  with  bedroom  walls  covered  in  r&b  vinyl’s  ,  a  notebook  half  full  with  lyrics  she’s  too  afraid  to  sing  ,  and  contagious  laughter  echoing  through  hallways  .  stan  twitter  even  voted  her  most  likely  to  marry  a  fan  .  we’ll  see  how  they  live  up  to  that  reputation  .

tl;dr.   statistics.   pinterest.

———  tw  for  anxiety  ,  forced  drug  use  ,  addiction  ,  rehab  .  

the  start.

growing  up  ,  yulia’s  parents  made  sure  she  was  never�� aware  of  their  struggles  —  and  struggle  they  did  ,  especially  for  the  first  few  years  of  her  life  .  it  started  with  her  father  being  laid  off  after  an  injury  left  him  unable  to  work  ,  leaving  them  with  no  choice  but  to  put  what  should’ve  been  their  forever  home  up  for  sale  just  before  yulia  was  born  .  he  was  eventually  able  to  find  a  desk  job  but  the  pay  was  minimal  at  best  and  because  her  mother  was  newly  postpartum  at  the  time  ,  he  insisted  she  didn’t  work  .

despite  the  financial  hardships  that  followed  ,  the  moving  around  that  continued  years  after  yulia  was  born  ,  the  whispered  arguments  they’d  have  after  putting  her  to  bed  ,  they  eventually  got  to  a  point  where  they  could  rest  easy  .  her  dad  had  a  corporate  job  and  her  mom  worked  from  home  to  make  raising  her  a  little  easier  on  the  both  of  them  and  ,  all  things  considered  ,  they  were  finally  in  a  good  place  .

yulia  was  young  when  she  first  fell  in  love  with  music  and  singing  and  she  made  sure  everyone  knew  it  .  if  she  wasn’t  belting  out  a  whitney  or  mariah  song  ,  she  was  writing  terrible  lyrics  in  her  journal  or  borrowing  her  aunt’s  karaoke  machine  for  weeks  at  a  time  .  it  got  to  a  point  where  her  dad  was  buying  her  new  notebooks  every  week  and  when  he  realized  she  wanted  to  take  singing  seriously  ,  he  signed  her  up  for  vocal  lessons  .

high  school  was  mostly  uneventful  for  her  and  outside  of  a  short  lived  relationship  ,  yulia  focused  on  her  schoolwork  more  than  anything  .  her  parents  made  sure  she  knew  that  as  long  as  she  put  in  effort  and  didn’t  flunk  any  of  her  classes  ,  they’d  support  her  dream  of  singing  wholeheartedly  .  she  did  as  they  asked  and  they  kept  their  word  ,  even  packing  up  their  things  and  moving  to  new  york  so  she’d  have  a  better  chance  at  becoming  a  singer  like  she  wanted  .

it  was  around  this  time  that  yulia  started  posting  singing  covers  to  youtube  ,  ranging  from  ballads  like  i  have  nothing  and  a  natural  woman  to  r&b  classics  like  4  page  letter  and  next  lifetime  .  she  gained  a  decent  amount  of  viewers  from  it  but  it  wasn’t  until  after  she’d  graduated  that  her  dad  recorded  her  singing  an  original  song  at  an  open  mic  night  .  after  he  convinced  her  to  post  it  ,  things  really  took  a  turn  .

first  deal.

she  was  in  her  sophomore  year  of  college  when  the  video  her  dad  posted  blew  up  .  it  started  doing  numbers  online  and  was  shared  around  more  than  she  ever  expected  so  it  was  surprise  to  no  one  but  her  when  she  was  approached  by  a  reputable  label  .  she  attended  a  few  very  long  meetings  ,  met  with  a  few  different  lawyers  ,  and  after  one  final  emotionally  charged  meeting  ,  yulia  was  signing  her  first  record  deal  .

things  were  great  until  they  weren’t  .  she  got  to  write  her  own  songs  and  record  them  ,  had  a  large  role  in  preparing  for  her  first  few  shows  and  eventually  a  tour  but  yulia  learned  the  hard  way  that  it  was  all  too  much  too  fast  .  going  from  a  girl  that  blended  into  a  crowd  by  choice  to  being  on  stage  in  front  of  thousands  of  people  was  something  she  wasn’t  prepared  for  .

what  started  as  stage  fright  before  every  show  turned  into  her  popping  a  pill  or  two  to  calm  her  nerves  .  being  able  to  get  through  a  concert  without  having  a  panic  attack  and  without  feeling  high  led  her  to  believe  she  had  it  under  control  .  little  did  she  know  ,  the  people  around  her  saw  an  opportunity  and  ran  with  it  .  a  pill  dropped  into  a  coffee  here  ,  a  little  alcohol  mixed  with  soda  there  and  without  even  realizing  it  ,  yulia  had  become  addicted  .

it  wasn’t  until  she  was  visiting  her  parents  right  after  completing  her  first  tour  that  she  finally  realizes  something  was  wrong  .  her  parents  question  her  about  her  apparent  change  in  attitude  and  yulia  admits  she  used  to  take  pills  to  help  with  anxiety  .  however  ,  after  learning  she’d  stopped  doing  so  just  weeks  after  she  started  ,  her  mom  requested  she  get  tested  just  in  case  .  

what  came  next  was  a  long  list  of  things  yulia  never  imagined  she’d  have  to  deal  with  so  early  into  her  career  ,  or  ever  for  that  matter  .  first  she  checked  herself  into  rehab  ,  having  realized  she  was  actually  addicted  to  the  stuff  she  thought  she’d  stopped  taking  long  ago  .  when  she  was  released  ,  she  spent  months  getting  out  of  her  contract  with  her  label  and  while  she  was  eventually  successful  in  doing  so  ,  she  wasn’t  able  to  gain  rights  to  her  music  (  something  she’s  still  fighting  for  even  today  )  .  the  whole  situation  was  thankfully  kept  out  of  the  media  ,  partially  because  her  lawyer  threatened  lawsuits  against  anyone  who  spoke  about  it  and  partially  because  the  label  didn’t  want  the  bad  press  .

at  twenty  two  ,  yulia  had  already  been  through  the  ringer  .  she’d  spent  months  in  rehab  ,  had  seen  the  inside  of  a  courtroom  more  than  she’d  ever  planned  to  in  her  life  ,  continued  to  struggle  with  addiction  despite  being  clean  .  however  ,  she  managed  to  graduate  from  college  with  a  degree  and  high  honors  ,  all  while  writing  and  recording  the  most  personal  songs  she’d  ever  made  .

her  self  titled  sophomore  album  was  released  independently  ,  to  the  surprise  of  everyone  .  it  was  well  received  ,  old  fans  and  new  ones  appreciating  how  raw  it  sounded  compared  to  her  first  album  .  shortly  after  the  release  ,  yulia  was  contacted  by  someone  from  revolution  about  possibly  signing  a  deal  and  while  she  was  hesitant  at  first  ,  so  much  so  that  she  didn’t  give  them  an  answer  until  a  month  later  ,  she  eventually  decided  it’d  be  good  for  her  .

revolution.

her  time  at  revolution  records  proves  fruitful  .  from  the  creative  freedom  to  the  support  she’s  received  in  the  seven  years  she’s  been  there  ,  yulia  is  glad  she  didn’t  let  past  experiences  get  in  the  way  of  a  good  thing  .  she’s  eleven  years  into  her  career  now  .  though  she  has  six  albums  in  total  ,  she’s  working  on  her  fifth  one  as  a  revolution  artist  .  she’s  often  cited  saying  she  feels  nothing  but  gratitude  for  her  label  and  that  she  hopes  anyone  trying  to  join  the  music  industry  is  as  lucky  as  her  .

everything  that  happened  with  her  first  label  is  still  a  secret  to  the  public  but  the  lyrics  from  her  sophomore  album  and  the  albums  that  followed  have  alluded  to  it  .  she  doesn’t  know  when  or  if  she’ll  come  out  about  the  entire  thing  but  yulia  has  made  it  a  point  to  take  new  artists  under  her  wing  ,  letting  them  know  that  should  something  happen  ,  they’ll  always  have  someone  in  their  corner  .

personality.

making  other  people  laugh  is  free  serotonin  to  yulia  .  she  loves  to  joke  around  ,  play  (  harmless  )  pranks  on  people  ,  and  just  do  what  she  can  to  put  a  smile  on  people’s  faces  .  the  older  she  gets  ,  the  less  patience  she  has  and  it  can  occasionally  translates  to  her  being  snappy  or  short  with  people  .  yulia  is  very  easy  to  talk  to  .  she’s  a  people  person  through  and  through  and  it  shows  in  her  friendly  demeanor  .  as  much  as  she  loves  to  be  surrounded  by  others  ,  whether  they’re  talking  or  just  hanging  out  in  comfortable  silence  ,  she  doesn’t  actually  say  anything  personal  unless  you’ve  been  close  for  years  .  she  is  always  on  the  defense  ,  the  need  to  protect  herself  remaining  strong  after  what  happened  with  her  first  label  .  as  much  as  she  loves  love  in  any  form  ,  yulia  can  be  very  fickle  .  she  doesn’t  let  herself  get  close  to  people  that  often  ,  preferring  to  bow  out  gracefully  instead  of  opening  herself  up  to  possible  heartbreak  or  betrayal  .

headcanons.

she  has  a  three  year  old  rottweiler  she  adopted  named  toothless  .  he  came  from  a  bad  place  originally  and  while  yulia  wasn’t  planning  on  actually  adopting  ,  she  knew  his  age  and  his  breed  were  working  against  him  .  yes  he  has  teeth  ,  though  he  is  missing  two  on  the  bottom  .

she  wants  kids  so  bad  .  she’s  known  her  whole  life  that  she  wanted  a  big  family  ,  especially  considering  she  was  an  only  child  .  yulia  wants  kids  so  much  she’s  seriously  contemplating  going  on  hiatus  so  she  can  adopt  or  something  .

she  used  to  spend  her  summers  in  russia  with  her  extended  family  and  while  she  obviously  can’t  spend  that  much  time  there  at  once  anymore  ,  she  still  likes  to  go  often  .

[justalittletomato]

This might be a bit of a downer, but have Starlight or Angel ever experienced postpartum depression? And if so, how have Maul or Savage helped them cope?

This is a downer however it is an issue that needs to be addressed so thanks for bringing it in. read more as it is sensitive subject for some

tw: pregnancy, postpartum depression, anxiety

Starlight definitely got it after Dani, the culmination of stressful circumstances ( possibility of another force-sensitive child during the days of the empire) , pregnancy (not planned) and anxiety have added to what they feel after Dani was born ( almost 2 months early I might add).

There are days where Starlight is alright and others where they suddenly break into tears and sobs over what could happen. What if something happens to Dani? What if they are found? The what if's result in Starlight shaking and Maul holding them close.

Starlight concerned over taking care of Dani...what if its been too long? What if they hurt the baby somehow?

---

Maul stays with Starlight as much as he can. assuring them and helping them with little Dani who coos when Starlight holds her, " She feels safe with you. Yes it had been some time but we both can do this." reassurances and lots of time curled up together with the new baby. Maul holding onto Dani when Starlight has to take a moment.

" It is difficult but the two of us have another," he holds them close as Starlight stares up the sky with tears in their eyes, " You can cry my love...I'm here if you want me to be..."

Eventually with time and help from Maul Starlight smiles a bit easier and they aren't so worried ( as much as that can be) Danica coos in their arms and Starlight nuzzles her. Things are a bit easier now...

---------

As for Angel, sadly after the twins, they experience a short bout of it. Self-doubt and concern that they can't attach to the little sunflowers they longed for. "Why can't I?" They had in those first few days...what was wrong?"

Savage finds them sobbing in the garden, their safe place, they had put the twins to bed in bassinets surrounded by soft grass and flowers...the self-doubt...despite what Angel did they felt worried.

Savage sits next to his Angel and offers up his embrace, Angel falls into it and sobs into his chest. " It is hard right now. And I can't pretend to know what you are feeling, just know I am here. I am right here beside you my Angel." He wipes aware of the tears, " you are doing all you can and that is alright, we are together in this. "

Angel cries once more and Savage rocks them gently, " you are doing so well My love, rest right now, let me help...let me help you."

It is Savage caring for the twins and Angel gently smiling as they work in the garden, they cut flowers and make wreaths and crowns. Small crowns for the twins who make soft sounds at Angel's touch.

They smile, "I feel a little better my sunflowers...thanks to you and your Daddy." Angel is kissed softly on the cheek. Things are a little better

[caitlynlynch]

Exhausted new mother Bridget is on her way home from work late one night on the train when she sees something shocking; a little girl being grabbed off the platform of a station her train is speeding through and thrown into a white van. Nobody else sees it, though, and since Bridget is suffering from post-natal depression and on a strong medication with possible hallucinatory side effects, it soon becomes apparent that the police don’t quite believe her.

Which doesn’t explain the white van which starts following Bridget around. Or the incredible detail she can recall, right down to the logo of the rose on the little girl’s blazer pocket. A specialist in data analysis, Bridget starts doing what she does best; investigate the data. All the data on children who vanished without trace, over the last twenty years, with particular focus on those missing from railway stations. One case, twenty years old, strikes a strange chord, and when Bridget finds herself in the small Northern town a little girl called Frances vanished from, something starts stirring in her memory. Something impossible.

The twist here is actually telegraphed really early, even though it’s not explicitly spelled out, but the reader has to wait for Bridget to discover it and to uncover all the details about why. There are still some threads left open - why therapist Gillian was so loyal to Bridget’s mother didn’t really add up for me, and what about all that data Bridget analysed? Because she really did find a pattern, one which makes me wonder if there might be a second book here where Bridget helps the police find more missing children. I’d love to read it, if so. Bridget’s past would provide a major impetus for her to get involved in such cases and she has the skillset to do it.

It’s unusual to read a character with mental illness, depicted with clear and unflinching detail, as the heroine rather than the villain in a mystery thriller. PND is very real and can be crippling, and although it’s eventually revealed that Bridget’s issues are both deeper and at least partially induced by external forces, her struggles as a working mother to a young baby (with dietary issues, no less) and her desperate desire to do the right thing by her daughter are painful to read. This is gut-wrenching in parts, I think especially to anyone who has children and has felt that crippling fear they’re failing as a parent, and the contrast between that and the shocking emotional betrayals of the eventual villain are extreme.

I honestly couldn’t put this down once I’d got into it, which didn’t take long at all; I was hooked by the end of the first chapter. Five stars for a terrific read and I’ll definitely be looking for more books from this author.

The Girl on the Platform is available now. Disclaimer: I received a review copy of this title via NetGalley.

[ifeelalavenderhaze]

*old selfie*

Maybe I wear makeup to cover up my anxiety and Postpartum Depression instead of my scarred skin from my picking.

It took me about 4 months to get help for my PPD. I knew something wasn't right with my brain. I knew I needed help but I was too scared to admit that I did need help. Luckily, I was able to get put on an anti-depressant medication.

I always knew I had anxiety but I didn't really know that's what it was. I just thought I was an anxious person (which is still very much true). My anxiety has gradually gotten worse over the years. Unfortunately it's taken me years to finally admit that I should be on medication for it.

I was embarrassed to talk about my PPD and sometimes I still I am. I don't want people to know that I feel weak. I mean, I have a baby and a family to take care of so I gotta be strong for them. Well, guess what? We can't always be strong and it's ok to admit that. It's ok to get help.

If being a mom has taught me anything, it's that I'm not alone in my struggles.