#( only one outlet is working at least but i have a feeling it wont soon either )

[darknesskng]

Aand now my outlets ain't working, no water either. BRO.

[haileyrhodcs]

𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊

Who: Hailey Baldwin & Demi Lovato ( @dmetriaadvonne )

Location: Demi’s studio

Time frame: October 17, 2020

Description: Heavy heart? Let music do the talking.

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: Long blonde locks of hair cascaded down and over the model's shoulders, the air from the open driver's window whipping through Range Rover. Her fingertips tapped on the driver's wheel while she sped down the interstate, singing along to the rap song blasting over her speakers. The last few weeks was packed with photoshoots for Levi's, BareMinerals, and a new magazine issue with Vogue and although she loved working with all of those companies, she wanted some days off. Hailey cleared her schedule for the last remaining weeks in October and with that, she began to clear her mind off of Justin. When they called off the engagement and the wedding, Hailey couldn't wrap her mind around it, she swore this would take months or even years for her to recover from. She spiraled into a never-ending self-sabotage battle with alcohol and manipulating her support circle around her into thinking she was perfectly okay, just a little heartbroken. Demi kept her company during the days when she felt like she couldn't be alone, when her thoughts and darkest hours became too heavy on her chest. But sometimes, it wasn't enough. She needed to forget her pain and her vice quickly became a dangerous game, but Hailey couldn't bring herself to care. 

Until he came along... again. Shawn. Ugh, why was her stomach doing flips at the thought of his name? Knock it off. This was so school-girl like of her, yuck! He bought her to her senses, bought Hailey back to her carefree self when she was absolutely adamant that side was gone to the point of no return. The blonde caught herself checking her phone for his messages several times within an hour or less, craving the positive aura and light he bought back to her. She had a lighter skip in her step, smiled easier, and radiated the energy she lost when she was with Justin. Pulling up to the parking lot of the condo where Demi's studio was, Hailey wanted to surprise Demi with her favorite lunch and spend some time with her best friend. Quickly unlocking the door with the key she had, she heard a gorgeous instrumental and peered up. She had been writing poems for the last few weeks, and for some reason.. Hailey felt super inspired.

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈:  demi needed her outlet, music; she was being drowed by the PR between her and max and it was becoming unbarable now with him in her life. it made her want to drink more than she should because of the stress of having to carry his dead weight around. with all eyes looking in, she needed to escape which is where she found herself at her studio more than usual. jessie was back or well he was around and it made demi on her toes, he was someone she always wanted but lost touch with her husband after she over dosed. she had wrote so many songs during that two year period, about him about them, about being lonely and finding herself again. her fingers knew what she wanted to play, pressing into the white wood and ivory. demi had her foot on the peddle as she was messing around and had at least the first verse down, but she was having trouble coming up with the rest of the song. her eyes trained back and forth on the keys before closing them slowly and letting her hands do the talking for once, letting herself go.

"I'm a mess and i'm still broken..." she sang slowly as she played. "but i'm finding my way back....." her voice wavered off slowly. her foot and her fingers playing at the same time. "and it feels like someone's stolen..." pausing again with a few chords. "all the light i ever had..." it's the same lyrics she was singing the whole three hours trying to to do more than that. opening her eyes she started the chords over as she pressed into them with her note book splayed up on top of the piano, her scribbles of notes filling it with empty lyrics under it.

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: The blonde could hear Demi's melodious voice break through the silence of the instrumental, pausing to peer into the small room and was greeted by the sight of Demi losing herself to her music. Leaning her head against the doorframe, Hailey watched her brunette powerhouse of a best friend sing, the lyrics hitting her hard. Hailey felt like it was bringing her back to her darkest times, wanting to shed it off but she had no idea how to. She refrained from taking another step, letting Demi fall into her music but as soon as the lyrics flowed, they stopped. 

Watching as Demi replayed the chords, the blonde mustered a small smile and knocked slightly. "Need some help...?" she wondered, walking over and setting the bag down on the small coffee table. Hugging her best friend by wrapping her arms over her shoulders while she remained seated, the model nodded over to the notebook. "What are you writing about?" she asked before finding a seat next to her on the bench.

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈:  replaying them it almost was repetitive for the third hour but she couldn't help it honestly, she wanted to write but all that was coming out was the piano right now. hearing the knocking she looked back to see the blonde and a smile spread across her lips. "very much so..how much did you hear?" asking the woman before she still sat there and placed her hands on the womans arms as she hugged her back. she loved having her best friend around and right now she could definately use her help with all of this. "oh god...my overdose...the PR...how i feel in it.." shaking her head gently as she looked over at the woman. "it's making me want to drink more than i do..max...i just want to make a song that says that at the end of the day i'm here, i'm still me...that those things wont consume me.." saying to the blonde. 

her head looked towards her notebook before she placed her hands on the piano and started to play the chords all over again. "and all i got is the first verse..which i'm sure you heard" demi laughed lightly as she kept playing. looking over to her best friend she bumped her a bit with her arm as she continued to play. "got anything you wanna say?? write it in the book..i'll keep playing if you wanna..help me write the song??"

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: The lyrics resonated with Hailey, her teeth digging into her bottom lip in concentration. She wondered if the poem she wrote a few months ago after finding Justin with Sofie would match to Demi's overall message, but held back from searching in her notes on her phone. A light chuckle fell from her lips, shaking her head while she sat beside Demi and glanced down at the piano keys before peering up at her again. Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, she listened intently because she couldn't imagine how Demi felt with the stress she had on her shoulders from the PR stunt to dealing with conquering her own demons. If anything, Hailey admired her strength and how she continued to share her truth without being afraid to fight through them. "And you shouldn't let them consume you.." the blonde confirmed, a proud smile spreading over her lips. 

Tilting her head as she remembered the lyrics again, she closed her eyes and nodded when Demi asked for her to help and write the song. "Yeah.. keep playing.. I'm gonna just look through.." she mumbled, picking up her phone to unlock it and scroll through the notes. Tapping on the one she was hunting for, Hailey's fingertips ran over her chin thoughtfully. While the melody played, she hummed along in between the notes. Her eyes looked up at Demi as if to see if she was vibing along and then glanced to the poem on her phone again. "Like the world disappeared... And... I'm laying right here while the silence is piercing," she sang. "And it hurts to breathe..." Pausing, she tilted her head to her best friend as if she had an idea. "I don't have much.. but at least I still... have me?" 

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈: demi smiled at her best friend and nodded to her. "i don't plan on it.." she knew hailey was having a hard time with justin still coming into her life, she wished the man would just leave the woman alone, she deserved to be left alone and left to deal with everything without him trying to come in and trying to fuck her up again, she hated it when she saw hailey broken, it broke her heart because the blonde was so pure and loving and that some monster would do this to her. leaning over she kissed her best friends cheek cutily. nodding as hailey said to keep playing, and she did just that.

her head moved slowly as she hummed along with the chords and hailey combined. hearing hailey singing she smiled listening to the lyrics, they were flowing perfect as she needed hailey in on this song writing and lyrically. her fingers kept playing as she was trying to find the words to match to go right after. humming along slowly. "and that's all i need.." thinking quick she came up with the next. "so take my faith but at least i still believe" she sang hard, feeling it. "i still believe! and that's all i need" demi could feel herself getting emotional because honestly all these lyrics and the poem was hitting her. reaching her high notes just by sitting there and playing. repeating the next lyrics from hailey's poem. "i don't have much.. but at least i have me" her fingers kept playing slowly.

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: The blonde couldn't help but feel insecure about her words, furrowing her brows. She was only writing her thoughts on paper to get her emotions out, she was nowhere close to a songwriter. Now that she was next to Demi, she anxiously peered from her best friend's facial expressions to the piano keys and then back. She was expecting rejection, until... Demi completely ran with it. Hailey smiled shyly, but then admired the strong lyrics that flowed so beautifully. They were both dealing with struggles, but they were overcoming them together even with writing this song. "Wow.." she chuckled, shaking her head in amusement. "I love this.. we need this out there..." she sighed. 

Peering over at the studio equipment, she reached for Demi's Mac and fiddled around Garage Band.. nodding her head in encouragement to Demi as to tell her to continue to play. "Hold on.. let's add this drum beat.." she murmured, knowing a few tricks from Justin's studio sessions. Matching the speed to Demi's piano notes, she couldn't help but smile to herself while repeating the chorus they created. Tapping her best friend's shoulder excitedly, she kept it playing so they could find the perfect verse to add the drum beat. "Everything around me shattered, all the highs are now just low..." If there was anything she despised about Justin, Hailey couldn't break free from him. He wouldn't leave her alone, first he consumed her texts and now, she had to work hard to keep him out of her mind. "But it doesn't even matter, 'cause I'd rather be alone.." she sang.

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈: demi laughed gently as she looked over at her best friend, she needed this. she NEEDED this with hailey. "start writing this all down..oh it's gonna be out there, and you're gonna be on this record with me, god dammit i didn't know you wrote poems.." she was shocked, impressed all about it when all that emotion came out of the phone she had it written in. the brunette knew she needed this song, this is what she was going through, and seeing hailey letting go and singing, she musician knew the model needed this too. "i want you on this, you need to be on this song with me hails, we can get you a writing alias or put your name i just...i need you on this with me, it's our song" saying to her, being completely serious with her. 

seeing the mac being picked up she tilted her head as her hands stilled on the piano. demi watched as hailey nodded to keep going so she started back up again, watching how the blonde knew her way around garage band somewhat, her head nodded saying that she liked the beat along with the piano. "oh yes..okay perfect, i love that" musing. demi hadn't felt this excited about writing with someone else right now and it was thrilling because this was going to be something to them, and she was releasing it no matter what anyone said. not taking no for an answer. listening to the next lyrics hailey was writing now with her voice she was playing and trying to think of the next. the sadness was dripping from hailey's voice as her eyes peered over at her best friend. "all my love disappeared, and i'm laying right here..." taking the part hailey wrote and rewriting the first line of it. "while the silence is piercing and it hurts to breathe" demi kept playing as she looked to the model. "this is fucking me up already" saying with a laugh as she placed her hands over her eyes to clear her head a bit.  pulling her book down she wrote the rest of the chords as she leaned her head onto hailey's shoulder as she did this. they were stronger together.

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: Looking over at the chords and Demi's lyrics, Hailey began piecing together the song in her notes, smiling as it all came together so quickly. Writing was an outlet for her, but it always took the form of being done in a poem. Maybe they weren't so broken. Maybe Hailey didn't need saving, but she could save herself. She could save herself from traveling down a dark path again if she finally accepted that she needed to close her chapter with Justin. He had no significance to her anymore, much like it was crystal clear that the blonde had no significance or importance to Justin. He could no longer steal the light within her to inflict loneliness and darkness. Hailey owed it to herself to finally say goodbye to him, but now.. it will be on her terms. Singing this song with Demi and writing felt so freeing, which is why she nodded eagerly when her best friend mentioned she needed to be on this. "It's our song.." she repeated, confidently. 

 Watching as Demi sang the next verse, Hailey shot her a playful look as she re-wrote her lyrics but it sounded perfect. Typing it into her phone, she added the chorus afterwards and then peered up with  a chuckle when Demi said it was fucking her up already. Nodding in agreement, Hailey turned to look down at the chords Demi wrote into her notebook. "The notes are beautiful..." she admitted, leaning her head on her best friend's. "Hmm.. do we want the drums? I'm thinking the second verse is too early..." she mused, singing the lyrics to herself. "I do love how the hums sound though.."

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈: at the end of the day, demi had herself and that was the only person who was going to be able to repair herself from the damage of her OD still left, the damage max was doing to her, and she needed to repair what she really wanted was with back with her husband for real this time, not sneaking around anymore, she was tired of that. demi needed to heal before she got into all of it and this song was putting it all out. demi was seeing something new in hailey, seeing a confidence in the woman that she hadn't seen in a while. it was radiant, it was strong too. "this is our anthem and we're not letting anyone bring us down" 

demi just kept playing her piano as she watched hailey write everything into her phone and she laughed with a nod. "yeah?? i've had the chords, but not much after the first verse..i say the drums yet but maybe once the second chorus comes in, like the piano and the hums build it up and then we bring in the drums" saying as she mused to how this track should be mixed. "i can definitely do some runs too for back vocals..so that will go with the drums and the piano.." she let her hands just dance hovering over the keys. "i would like you to sing back on the chorus if you're up for it?"

𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘: Demi’s struggles were not ones to be taken lightly, Hailey learned that through the nights they spent confiding and having heart to hearts whenever they couldn’t sleep or their minds kept one half of the best friends up. She knew the overdose and recovering from it was a difficult journey but then add the PR? Hailey had no idea how Demi powered through, her strength and perseverance was immaculate. Hailey didn’t back down either, even though she needed time to come back around... she was ready to put more work in to make sure she got whatever she deserved when she worked hard enough. She pondered the idea of adding drums later on, as Demi suggested and agreed. It would build up the song, just like they built themselves up to fight again. 

“I think that’ll work... we can start mixing today.. I don’t have anywhere to be,” Hailey suggested, shrugging her shoulders. Playing a few random keys while they shot ideas back and forth, Hailey was taken aback when Demi asked for her to sing on the backing vocals. “Me...?” she stammered, furrowing her brows in confusion. Was she sure?? “I can... don’t use too much auto tune on me,” she joked.

𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈: "yeah no lets get this whole track done, lets work on it all night babes..we can get postmates, i'm not leaving till we're done" demi was serious as she rubbed her best friends back slightly as she nodded, it was set, the two were gonna work on this track together. "yes you, there's no one else here.." demi was positive on all of this as she raised an eyebrow at her. "oh my god, i won't use anything.." she laughed as she told hailey to finish the song and repeat the pre chorus and the chorus to finish off the song. the two ordered postmates and coffee as demi and her started fully mixing to lay down the track first before demi could get into the booth and start singing, then she'd layer hailey in. 

this three hour dry spell quickly became her favorite day as the two best friends worked on this track. demi would release it soon as she kept telling hailey she would, and she always kept her word. getting up as the two of them shared laughs before demi stepped into the booth and placed the headphones over her ears as she had hailey start the button for playback. slowly history between the two was being made and this was demi's favorite song for many reasons than just one. 

[prorevenge]

Boy meets girl

I often pressed V for information on how she earned income but she would give conflicting answers about grants and scholarships until one day.... About 6 months after our first meeting, she finally tells me and IT. IS. NOT. GOOD. I was interviewing at a professional school when I receive the call, she's in trouble, BIG TROUBLE, and needs my help. She tells me she earns money by doing others' assignments for them. $200 to write a paper and $800 to complete an online class, usually a 100 level introductory course. She describes the method she uses to circumvent the ITs detection of others completing others assignment and how her client wasn't doing his part to copy/paste and submit from his own computer. He is failing the course and blames her. He threatens to turn her in. Her plan is to refund his money and wants me to 'follow him to see if he goes somewhere alone and take his phone' because that has all the evidence of their communications. HOLY SHIT! SHE WANTS ME TO COMMIT STRONG ARMED ROBBERY, a FELONY for her! I'm not going down for this or with her and I know nobody would believe me. ENTER: military experience - if there's no record, it didn't happen. So, I agree to help her, somehow, as soon as I return to town. I go to V's dorm the next night and she shows me EVERYTHING. Her list of clients, their blackboard passwords, how she meets them, how she defends them during honor code violations, etc. So I tell her not to worry, I'll handle everything on the day she refunds his money. Relieved, she goes to bed but before she lays down I ask to use her computer for on assignment and she says "sure do whatever you want". In my state, if you let someone use your electronics, its called "having privilege" and anything you do with their computer which may harm them is legal as if it your own computer. So, I took screenshots of her conversations with her clients, I open google settings and screenshot all the blackboard users and passwords stored on her computer. I go to her messenger and screenshot their conversations. Back home, I compiled our recordings and saved our facebook conversations. A week later, I made up an argument about an upcoming New Years Party and broke up with her. Then sat on the information I had on hand for 2 more weeks thinking about what I should do.

I remembered how she has a history of arrests from high school to freshman year for stealing from outlet malls and selling their loot online. Never formally charged. She, of course, omitted this from her application into professional school. How she admitted "finding a mark" and using them to pass her courses. How she denigrated others who were completing courses through hard work. How she used her position as honor council to get her friends out of trouble while helping to expel others for doing exactly what she was doing. How she cheated on me multiple times, used me, manipulated me, tried to make me commit a felony and ruin my life. SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.

Knowing she was friends with the faculty on the honor council, they often bought each other gifts, I had to go above their heads. I gave names and descriptions of the events to my program director. He then goes to the honor council, anyway. I was called into the honor council's head office of "Corrupt Administrator" CA. CA tells me I should delete the information I have because it could become a civil matter and I should consider my "self preservation." She schedules another meeting with me a week later. I return and she asks if I want to make a statement about V. Guess what I said, I tell her "no, I deleted everything and I don't remember" because I was in the military and I know how to 'play ball' when superiors tell you to shut your mouth. But the most important reason I decided to not file against V directly was due to the fact I was applying for a military scholarship to pay for professional school. Since I did not follow through, the program director filed an honor code violation complaint against V on a date [suggested by CA]. A month later they tell me their investigation was inconclusive and they will close the case due to the director waiting 1 day too long to file according to the school's academic policy. CA set us up! However, since the director used my name as a source, they must notify V because students have rights to know their accusers. FUCK.MY.LIFE. CA fucked me and ruined any chance for a case against V based on a technicality. Now I fear for my safety because V tried to get me to strong arm rob someone now I just implicated a dozen cheaters who have as much as her to lose. CA schedules a meeting with V and tell her about an ongoing investigation and tells her she will be kept up-to-date. I know the investigation is over and now they are just doing formalities. V requests the information of the investigation and they promise to email it to her. V calls me for support even though we aren't together. She is crying and talking about killing herself. She tells me her dad had been paying for her college this whole time and starts coming clean with other lies. I feel bad and almost regret everything. Maybe she is not a sociopath, maybe she is really sorry. She stays at my house the next few days, I'm watching her trying to keep it together. THEN HER FUCKING CLIENTS START COMING TO MY HOUSE. She is still doing their assignments! She NEVER LEARNS!

Finally she gets the investigation info and there's my name. She calls me 130 times in 3 days, sends her friends to my classes to tell me to come to her house, finally I do. But I don't go into her room because she will trap me. She takes my phone so I can't record. She tries to get me to sign a paper saying I fabricated everything and its all false. I tell V, "They already closed the investigation, you wont get in any trouble why should I implicate myself and get in trouble? It wont solve anything!" And she pleads, "Do you still love me?" I shake my head and walk out. Two days later, police are waiting at my house to serve a 72 hour emergency protective order (EPO) commanding me to stay away from V. I know what she is up to. She is trying to get me to violate the protective order, discredit me, and send me to jail. Its very easy to lie to create one and lie to say it was violated.

NOW ITS NOT JUST REVENGE TIME, ITS WAR

Here's the plot twist: I never really deleted the files as I told CA. TYVM, Google drive.

After the 72 hours EPO expired, another EPO arrives which lasts two years but requires a court appearance. This is a huge problem because I am in the US Army reserves and it requires the handling of firearms which is illegal under an EPO. Her lawyer calls me and threatens me not to "participate in anymore investigations against her" and sends a paper tiger. I get a lawyer, lets name him "Folds like a lawn chair". He tells me "who will they believe: a pretty girl or you?" I fire him. Get a better lawyer, a trial lawyer, called "Miss Badass Esq." and prepare for war. Miss Badass requests a copy of V's EPO from the court. It essentially says I was blackmailing her, threatening to beat her up, and I broke into her room to steal incriminating information against her. All lies. I provide my lawyer the entire history of our relationship: 600 pages of facebook and text messages showing she is the aggressor, the abuser, in the relationship, phone call history, all the recordings and screenshots of her cheating ring. I make a poster sized chart of her room and the events that transpire there the day in question when she tried to trap me into signing a statement taking responsibility for her actions.

Courtdate: We made V and her lawyer look REALLY stupid. They were going with the 'pretty girl' strategy. But the dorm gave us records showing she was signing me in and out of her room, so it discredits the need to break in. The call logs: 130 times in 3 days and aggressive texts showed she wasn't actually afraid of me adn it was her, not me, being aggressive. And when he asked what I had to use to blackmail her, her lawyer said "just some tutoring papers" for which the judge said, "that doesn't sound like anything wrong. What power did that give him over you?" They had no response. My turn to speak, I explain how she tried to get me to rob a guy, how she wanted me to write a letter to take the blame, how she used her position as honor council chair to break state law and violate academic policy. And summarized we were only there because she wanted revenge on me. I watched V and her lawyer stutter and squirm uncomfortably under the judges questioning, case dismissed.

All that information I gathered to defend myself was not going to go to waste. I took it to a newly hired honor council investigator called "Meg" who had no affiliation with V. I told her what CA had done to defend V. A week later, I was told the by Meg there had been a meeting with the school police, the provost, their legal team, then the provost himself decided filed a complaint against V. I had to meet with the police to file a statement about V trying to recruit me to rob someone but other than that I was out of the loop. I later learned the results: V lost her her slot at that school's professional program, her program director yelled at her at the top of his lungs, "YOU WILL NEVER GO TO ********* SCHOOL, I KNOW ADMISSIONS AND I WILL SEE TO IT", she got expelled, her TWO degrees (biomedical engineering and biology with a minor in chemistry) were withheld for 6 years and her transcripts would carry a permanent mention of an honor code violation, her clients who graduated had their degrees retracted with similar mentions on their transcripts, and current clients were also expelled. The school changed its policy on reporting date requirements to like 60 or 90 days. Me? I am in professional school. V had her chance to get away with all of this until she tried to get revenge on me. I reduced this super villain from owning a fleet of beta male minions, being the most connected person in the university, and having a lucrative future in ripping people off in the medical industry to the last time I saw her: riding a fucking scooter.

(source) story by (/u/Apophis1942)

[bluebellhairpin]

Domestic

Loki Laufeyson/Odinson X Fem!Reader

A/N: I dunno what this one is. I don’t even know when in the MCU timeline it happened, but it’s Loki fluff, so ya’ll wont mind, I’m sure. Enjoy. - Nemo P.S. Easter Egg for Anime fans. Kudos if you get it.

Summary: There are many memories that you’ve gained over the years from living with the God of Mischief. Here are a list of occasions that you like the most; some are happy, others sad, some are pure, some funny, and others that you wish the whole world could’ve seen.

Warning!: Possible trigger warning in one of the sections. If you believe it could be a trigger, it’s titled ‘VIII. Happy Pills’, so you’d just have to skip over it if you decide to read this anyway. 

Masterlist  

I. Save the Kitten

“Damn, not again.” You mumbled, hands on your hips as you stared up at the tall branches of the tree.

“With a name like Fiberglass I’d not wan’t to come down too.”

“Shut up Loki.” You said, thumping the god on the shoulder before making your way towards the trunk, preparing to start climbing.

“What are you doing now?” He said with a frown, seeing you begin to place your hands and feet up on the rough bark.

“I’m getting her back. What does it look like I’m doing; drawing a bath?” You called, mocking his accent while you made quick work of climbing.

“You’ve done this before.” Loki stated, ignoring your jab at his moral, instead noting that you climbed up this particular tree as if you did it regularly. You shot him a look, he rolled his eyes. “I was just pointing it out.” 

“Yeah well, stop pointing it out and prepare yourself to catch Fiberglass.” You said, now having reached the young cat and scooping it up into your hands. “Usually I’d just carry her down, but now you’re here it’ll make it a lot easier.”

“Maybe I should make you carry her down. Could be quite entertaining.”

“Loki, I swear to-”

“Okay, okay. Just give her here.” 

II. Sunsets

Since you had been entrusted with the care of Loki, S.H.I.E.L.D made sure there was plenty of space where you lived. Meaning you moved out of your old apartment in downtown Queens soon after Loki arrived, and into a house in the area of New Haven. The house came complete with floor-to-ceiling windows and a rooftop deck.

You especially loved the deck, and whatever nights you could you were up there with a blanket watching the sunset.

“Why don’t you watch the sunrises too? They’re just as beautiful.” Loki had joined you tonight, bringing an extra blanket and two cups of something hot and great-tasting.

“You should know me by now, I don’t wake up early enough for that.” You laughed. 

“True.”

“Plus, with sunsets, you can start to watch the stars come out too.” Loki smiled at that. It seemed he was rather impartial to stars too.

You both settled into a comfortable silence, his shoulder was pressed next to yours as you sipped your drinks. The sky swirled in shades of pale blue, pink, orange, red, and purple. It was putting up quite the show tonight.

“What is this drink?” You asked randomly, watching the liquid swish in your cup.

“Magic!” He said, putting his newly-learnt jazz-hands to use.

“You’re a moron.”

“You love me. Everyone does.”

III. Say Cheese!

“C’mon! Just one nice picture.” You whined, letting the hand that was holding your phone go limp.

“No. I’m not going to become one of your models. Too many people still hate me for the New York attack.”

“I wont use this one for social media, I have plenty others for that, and those only have your silhouette.” You pouted. “This one’ll be for me.” You added quietly, however Loki heard you rather clearly.

“Tch, give it here.” He said, snatching the phone from your hand and puling you close, pressing the button, effectively taking his first selfie before giving the phone back. “There. No stop whining.”

You looked at the photo, fining Loki looking the happiest he ever had looked, and you still had a look of shock/pout stuck on your face.

Loki was actually very happy you kept insisting on the photo, in fact he was rather happy you wanted to spend time with him at all; so he figured he could let that one photo be a outlet for his hidden happiness.

You frowned, a little disappointed in yourself for ruining an otherwise great photo.

“You should send that to me.” Loki asked, looking over your shoulder as you stared at the digital image.

“O-Oh, sure.” You said, choosing to ignore your stuttering and instead smile up at the Asgardian.

“Cute.” Loki breathed, making sure you wouldn’t hear.

IV. My Nephews are Twins

“I didn’t know you knew magic too!”

“I don’t. You’re overreacting.” You bluntly said, brushing some of your nephew’s hair away from his face as he ate cereal. “This is Eren. The one you saw outside is Jean.” 

“You gave you’re magic names?”

“Loki! Listen to me!” You started, slapping Loki across the face, Eren giggled at the action. Loki faced you with a look of disbelief. “Eren and Jean are twins. Did you not have twins in Asgard or something?”

“We do, it’s-it’s just where did they come from? No one in their right mind would leave their children near a monster like me.” At this comment, you pulled Loki away from Eren and into the hallway.

“You’re only a monster if you let people tell you that you’re one.” You started, placing your hand on his cheeks, forcing him to look at you. “You’re no monster to me; you’re Loki, the man whose trying to right his wrongs.” You finished, taking in a deep breath as you released his face.

He missed your touch; you were so warm compare to him.

“You turn blue. It’s awesome.” Eren and Jean said, speaking in chilling synchronization. Loki scooted behind you, making sure he had a sort of shield between him and the twins. 

“Are they possessed?” Loki whispered, keeping his eyes on the boys.

“No. They just have powers. Like Steve and Bruce.” 

“What kind of powers do they have?”

“Linked telepathic communication and self cloning.” The twins said. Loki shrieked and ran off, clearly shaken by your nephews. 

V. Ice Skating - Not For Loki

You couldn’t stop laughing. 

“I’m a frost giant.” He said. 

“That’s ice, and it’s basically just walking without lifting your feet.” He said. 

“How hard can it be?” He said.

He was so very, very wrong. 

He slid across the ice with his hands outstretched, his legs wobbled, and he’d already fallen over three times even though you’d been here for less than fifteen minuets. And he kept screaming at you to help him and “stop laughing this IsNt fUnnY.”. 

In short, you were thoroughly enjoying yourself while Loki was practically dying of embarrassment.

“I’m never doing that again.” Loki grumbled, angrily untying his skates. You’d just managed to stop laughing enough to grab him and pull him off the ice.

“Sure you will, it just takes a lot of practice.”

“Practice my ass-”

“Loki! Language!”

“You’re not getting me to embarrass myself like that again.”

“Sure I’m not.” You laughed.

VI. I’m a Snake 

You woke up this particular morning feeling a bit tingly. And long. And smaller. You looked down at yourself, realising that your normal human body was replaced by a snake’s.. You went to let out a scream, but only a hiss came out.

You moved yourself over to one of your mirrors, finding that now you were a rather pretty Taipan. You frowned, as much as a snake could, and figured it was probably Loki’s fault.

However, he did have his magic taken away, meaning something might be wrong with him, or he was reverting back to his villain-like state. 

You made your way into his room, finding he was still in bed, so you managed to worm your way on top of the covers. He had a couple tissues clutched in his hand and his nose was a bit red. 

He had a cold. 

You chose to slither around his neck and poke your snake-tongue in his ear. He shot up with a start, sneezing and rubbing his ear as he did so.

“Wha- Ah! How’d you get in!” He shrieked, knowing full-well that if you were a real Taipan, that you could cause a lot of bodily damage.

“It’s me you moron.” You tried to say, thinking he wouldn’t understand.

“(y/n)? What happened?” Turns out he did understand.

“You, Loki. You happened.”

“It must’ve been a fluke.” He said, sneezing again.

“Fluke or not, change me back before I bite you.” You hissed, sliding further around his neck.

“Okay. I’d have to take you to my brother or S.H.I.E.L.D to do it.”

“I don’t care who we go to! Just change me back!”

“That’s weird, Taipan’s aren’t usually this aggressive.”

“Loki!”

VII. What’s Your Tragic Backstory?

“You’ve really never been here before?” You asked, entering through the glass door and instantly smelling old books with a hint of tea and adventure. 

“It’s not like the higher-ups want be away from you.” Loki said, closing the door gently behind him as he watched you begin to wander through the isles of books. “Why did they leave me with you? As far as you’ve let on, you have no powers at all.”

“That’s the point.” You mumbled, running your hands along a row of old and new book spines. “I’ve never really liked my powers; as far as I’m concerned I should be the one locked up, not you.”

“What could be so bad about them? It’s not like you were controlled by Thanos.” He said, continuing to follow you as you then made your way towards a spiral staircase; you made no comment. “Were you?” He added, quieter this time as you stopped a couple steps higher than him, leaving you eye-level with the god.

“Loki, please, I don’t want to talk about it. At least not here.”

“There’s no one here. No other customers, and the clerk is asleep. It’s not like anyone would know.”

“I unwillingly killed hundreds for him. I remember it all. Every last plead for life; for a second chance. Sometimes he still tries to get to me, but I manage to shake him off.” You blurted, deciding to just let him know what's happened.

“So why are you here, working with the Avengers if you done so many wrongs?”

“I remember all my training; meaning I’m a better spy that Natasha Romanoff. I was also genetically engineered; Where Steve Rogers fights like a hundred men, I fight like a thousand. I’m a huge asset for them.” You finished, moving yo continue up the stairs but Loki caught your arm and turned you back to him.

“You don’t need to worry about hurting me. I... I have the same feeling about you. I don’t want to hurt you because of what I’ve done in the past.”

“Thank you Loki.” 

VIII.  Happy Pills

“What are these?”

“It’s just some med’s Loki.”

“Hogwash. I’ve been around Midguardians for six months now. The label says that they’re not just med’s.” Loki said, rattling the pills around in their bottle.

“Better question; what’re you doing in my stuff?” You said, setting down you book and snatching the bottle out of his hands.

“You were acting different to usual. I wanted to make sure you weren’t doing anything too rational. Contrary to that, turns out instead of doing something, you weren’t doing something.” He started, you groaned feeling a lecture coming on. “I can’t believe you thought you could trick me, of all people. Now tell me, and don’t you dare lie, what are these for?” He hissed grabbing hold of your arm to make sure you wouldn’t run away any further than you had.

“They’re just to help.” You sighed. “They help with Thanos. And the nightmares. They keep me happier.” You mumbled, the grip on your arm loosening as Loki then pulled you into a tight embrace. You felt a couple tears escape your eyes as you wrapped your arms around Loki.

“It may sound hypocritical coming from me, but talking helps. And you can talk to me, even at the times when it seems I don’t care.” He mumbled into your hair. You sniffed and tightened your hold around his torso, smooshing your face further into his chest.

“Why do you care about me so much?”

“We have a lot in common. Plus, as much as I’d hate to have to admit; you, my dear mortal, have wormed you way into my heart. I’m afraid I care about you an awful lot.”

“Oh, you’re so romantic.”

“You love it.” He breathed out a laugh, you too let out a giggle.

“I think you’re right; as much as I’d hate to have to admit.”

IX. Starry Eyes

“You get weird after two in the morning, you know that?”

“Good morning to you too.” You mumbled, rolling over in your bed to throw an arm over Loki’s chest. He let out a mock ‘oof’ when it landed on his shirt-clad torso; acting as it your arm was led instead of flesh and bone.

“No seriously.” He laughed, bringing your hand up to lay a kiss on your palm. “It’s like if your not asleep by a certain time you go to instant tipsy-mode. Do you even remember what happened?”

“No. I didn’t do anything too embarrassing, right?” You asked, prying an eye open to look over at a smiling Loki.

“Nothing embarrassing. You eyes just turned into galaxies.”

“What, really?” You said, sitting up in surprise as Loki nodded.

“Sure did darling. Right before you passed out and I had to carry you back here.” He said, patting the mattress as he explained.

“Which galaxy?” You asked, leaning back down into his arms as a gentle smile rested on your lips.

“One of the ones on the outer rims of this realm.”

“Is it pretty?”

“Nothing can compare to your beauty. You held the stars in your eyes last night, and you made them glorious. They are not that breathtaking when I see them in person, only when they are part of you.” 

“Aw, Loki! You’re so poetic!”

“Well, you know what they say; love so passionately that Shakespeare rises from the dead to capture it.”

X. Blue Is Good

“Loki, it’s fine. No one got hurt.”

“That doesn’t matter. Just leave (y/n).”

“No, I won’t - I can’t. I owe you that much.” You said, leaning your head on the door. It was cold, colder than normal. 

“You own me nothing! Monsters like me don’t deserve a love like yours! I’m not worth it!” He yelled, you stayed silent. He’d been in his Jotun form before, never in front of you and especially not in front of other Midguardians. You knew he viewed himself as a monster; but you thought he’d gone passed that now, you thought you’d convinced him otherwise.

“I know you don’t like your Jotunheim heritage Loki, and Thor has spoken of the dispute between your people and the Asgurdians. But you’re on Midguard now. People here may seem harsh, and at times they are, but you’ve proven yourself to be more than just a ‘monster’. Everyone has a dark side, a side of themselves that they don’t want others to see. I hope you know that I accept you as a whole; Jotunheim and all.” You said, never once raising your voice more than needed.

Loki had moved closer to the door, listening carefully to every word.

“You accepted me as I am, even though I still hate myself for what I’ve done, you make me feel like I worth some of the love you give me. I could never wish for anything more than for you to understand in the slightest the appreciation that I have for you. I love you Loki, more than words and actions can ever convey.”

“Say it again.” Loki said, opening the door and gazing down at you with a look of awe. His skin still had a blue hue and their darkened markings, and his eyes still had some red.

“I love you.” You smiled, letting out a sigh of either relief or happiness. Maybe it was both.

He then caught you by surprise, pulling you flush to his chest and connecting his lips to yours. You’d kissed before, but none of the other kisses conveyed this much raw emotion; love, admiration, sadness, hope, happiness. A huge mixture of colorful feelings. 

“I love you too.” He mumbled, his mouth only just far enough away from yours to get the words out without them sounding muffled.

And it was perfect.

[tf-0818-blog]

Lost.

I don’t even know if I truly want to come on here and post my personal life, but at this point, I feel like this is my only outlet.  Lately, I’ve felt like I have lost every piece of myself. I keep telling myself that I am getting better and that I’m going to be okay, but it’s getting a lot harder to believe. I know it’s okay to say that i’m not okay, because maybe that’s part of the healing process and part of accepting that I need help. 

Life hasn’t been easy on me in the slightest bit, and sadly, it feels like it wont be getting any easier.  The last time I can remember feeling this way was my freshman year of high school. 2011. I remember finding out that my mom was seeing another man. I was only 14 at this time and it felt like my world came crashing down. I was conflicted with whether or not I should approach her about it and tell her that I knew. Or whether I should tell my father about it. But I decided it was best to keep it to myself. I remember showing up to school the next day and instantly breaking down during lunch. Was this the love I was going to know? Was this was love was? Was I supposed to find a love like this? A few months later, my bf at the time left me. He broke up with me, only to tell me that he only got in a relationship with me out of pity. Haha, what a joke, right?

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. My best friend got expelled. He made a stupid mistake and made a death threat to a couple of teachers on social media and the cops came to get him. I didn’t know until someone told me it was my fault. I had no clue what they were talking about, until someone caught me up and told me what had happened that morning. I wanted to cry and run out of class, but I had to act strong and act like those words meant nothing. Like they didn’t just rip my heart out. All I could think of was if he was okay. All I could think of was that now, I had to go through high school alone. Without my only friend.

 I struggled with school. I was never “smart” and I never had the best grades. I was constantly reminded of this by my mother; Growing up I was always compared to my older brother. It felt like it was always a competition. When it came to college, my brother got into some amazing schools. Some difficult schools to get into. When it was my turn, I only got accepted into two (the one I’m currently attending, and an out of state school). My mother told me she was surprised I even got into any. Who even says that? Definitely made me feel like an idiot. Made me feel inadequate and made me question whether or not I was even worthy, or smart enough to even attend college; A few months later we got into an argument. My mother and I are were yelling at the top of our lungs and my father walked into the room to try and calm us down. But, it only got worse. My mom turned to my dad and told him that she did not care about him or me. She said that all her hard work was only for herself and for my brother. That as soon as she was able to, she’d gather up some money and take my brother. They’d live happily in Mexico, while she left my father and I behind. She told me to leave the house. That I should go live on the streets because that was where I belonged. High school felt like hell for the remainder of the time. All I wanted was to get out. I wanted to graduate and be done with high school and leave behind all the bad memories that came with it. 

Fast forward to college...  College didn’t seem to bad. I kept good grades (surprisingly), and it felt good. After my 2nd year, I got accepted into the school of Criminal Justice after working my ass off to maintain a good GPA and pass 2 of the required classes with a B- or better. It felt good to get into that major. It felt like I was slowly starting to accomplish something. Until.. well things took a turn. My 3rd year of college, I met an amazing guy, and well, we hit things off. We dated for a while until we decided it was time to make things official and take things to the next level. He was amazing, and I thought he’d be the one. Little did I know, he would turn out to be a completely different person than the one I first met. It started getting to the point where we would argue over small things. We were toxic for each other. And it took a toll on me. I ended up failing 3 of my 5 classes that semester. And I was on the verge of getting kicked out of the Criminal Justice Program at school. (they had a failure policy; You were only allowed to fail twice.) I started questioning whether I even wanted to keep pursuing school if it meant I had to change majors. Fall Semester 2018 wasn’t any better in the slightest. 

I met someone a few years later, and I honestly thought I would be spending the rest of my life with this person. We literally went through hell and back and our relationship felt like nothing could ever break it. I won’t really put our business out there, even though I am putting out mine, but a few things happened in the span of this relationship that changed my perspective on a lot of things. He left, eventually. And it hurt. It broke me, or at least it felt like it did. I lost the person who was my safe haven. The person I confided in, the person who made me feel safe, especially on my darkest nights. I lost the person who was also my best friend; The best friend I got to heal with. The person I got to experience heartbreak with (if you know, you know what im referring to). We were inseparable (or at least I thought). This person was my everything and he left. 

After that, it felt like there was no saving me. I just started to drown in my own stress and emotions. (05/01/19)

[chicandchaud-blog]

N°61  • ‘Tea with Dreem’

After having had been on what could have been considered a super long hiatus, I’m glad to bring back to my blog what I definitely wish I could do more of – INTERVIEWS, or better known as ‘Tea Time’ to you guys. If you have no idea what ‘tea with...” is, you could definitely check out my past interviews with; Mai Bilavio, and Nova Faerye for some insight on what exactly entails in the interviews that I do on my blog. Typically I keep things peachy and sweet with creators, but that wasn’t quite the case with Dreem who allowed me to ask any questions that I dared, along with those that you guys wanted me to ask her. Considered the Queen of Second Life, Dreem sits and chats with me about a multitude of things, ranging from; drama, creating, and more DRAMA! Thank you so much for taking your time to read, and enjoy. *special thank you to Dreem Doll for trusting my pen, and having tea time with me.

alas, the interview:

J: First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to stop by, I’m so glad to have you here considering your busy schedule. – How are you doing today?

D: I am fine, feeling blessed and highly favored. Thank you for asking.

J: That’s great! Well, as you know, I do mainly post fashion tips, and advice on my blog so I’d like to know who you’re wearing today so the readers can get Dreem’s look today *smiles*.

D: Well im wearing a shirt by Rowne, who I adore, I paired it with my pants which are the thermal leggings, by me. I accessorized with shades by Brotherhood, and fannypack by Majesty – which is my daughter’s store.

J: I love it, you look bomb! Well, since you’re here and I just snatched you up – what does a typical day in the life of Dreem look like?

D: Well, First and foremost I am a very family oriented person so my day usually consist of my family. I would have an entire day planned down to the T and would get online and end up totally not doing anything besides hanging with my family all day *laughs*. Besides that, I like to get some work done, alot of the time aswell so sitting on my platform is one of my biggest pass times. Everything else really just comes last after those things, so boys,drama,haters, etc.

J: Yea, every now and then I check your Instagram, and you’re always posting cool moments with your family or whatever have you – whether it’s drama related, store related, or boy-drama-related your Instagram seems to be kind of your outlet for everyone to see, with that, as a public figure or so, I’d like to ask you – being you, and being such a public figure, what are some of the challenges that you often times face?

D: One of the biggest challenges I face everyday is being a public figure, and role model to my family and supporters. Alot of times I am learning now that I have to step back and think.. "Well if I do this a certain way, how is everyone else going to perceive this" Alot of people look up to me for guidance and direction so it’s very hard to make sure I don’t disappoint or lead them down the wrong path.  Having my life put under a spotlight for the whole internet to see was very scary, I would have randoms coming up to me like omg you’re such and such that did this and that and have my whole timeline and history down pack and at first that scared the life out of me *sighs*, but it also let me know I have the power and the platform to do and be better and set better examples everyday *smiles*.

J: I’d imagine that being such a huge influence could be quite nerve-wracking at times but it does have someee benefits *laughs*, and since you told me that you had people coming up to you, and mentioning things that have happened in the past, did you ever think to yourself that you’d be where you are now, in terms of your position on the grid having had transcended from IMVU to SecondLife. 

D: Maybe not to this extent, but even from IMVU I have always been a household name and a public figure. SecondLife is a wayyy bigger and greater platform so, obviously it naturally amplified. I never expected it to be to this level though, kind of a blessing and a curse at the same time. Either way i am very grateful for it God makes no mistakes *smiles*.

J: Yeah, from what I’ve been told by readers, and your family that came from IMVU to SecondLife with you is that you were basically in the forefront of everything, and gave IMVU life in a sense. Do you ever miss IMVU, assuming that you still have family members that still play, or just fans that might miss you?

D: Definitely, IMVU made my whole internet persona. "Diiva”, which was my IMVU character, is now naturally embedded in my DNA. IMVU prepared me strategically for so much and just my outlook on the world in general. IMVU will always be my nest that i flew out of.

J: That’s good to hear, I’m pretty sure everyone feels like that for either IMVU or SecondLife, it definitely does teach you lessons along the way. Not to mention, you had a LARGE impact on IMVU and I’m sure there’s no denying that. However, you had a family on there as you do on here, – do you believe that your impact has transcended from IMVU onto SecondLife? If so, what solidifies that?

D: Yes, my leadership is something that goes everywhere and anywhere with me. Naturally I attract flocks and attention because thats just my personality. My realness, my loyalty, and my talents is what has kept me afloat for so many years and will continue to keep me afloat. Staying true to yourelf and pure hearted will put you through some tests but in the end it will always pay off.

J: You mentioned your talent, your loyalty, and realness help you stay successful, what do you believe contributes to the longevity of your family name?

D: Love, Loyalty, and Realness *smirks*.

J: Well, if that’s the case – I’m sure after having read some of your accolades readers would love to be a Killin, which is your family – what exactly does it take to be took in as a Killin?

D: I like to seek out my own family members, because usually when someone comes to you to be apart of a family they are seeking something or coming for the "clout" or the wrong reasons. However, when I seek out someone I feel like I’m getting the people who are busy in their own league, bosses, and leaders. My family is filled with marketing geniuses, so be a boss, and ofcourse be sexy! *laughs*.

J: Well, now they’re aware of what needs to be checked off on their checklist before they even think of applying for adoption *laughs*. Since we’ve talked about that, I’d like to drift away from family oriented questions for a bit, and ask you; If you could bring something back to the grid that you used to do that isn’t as popular, what would it be?

D: Slapping bitches, jk *laughs*, but I loved everyone hanging out together in world – like big groups of people actually role playing and having fun! Now a days everyone is busy securing our bags, and we can only do that once in a while but I do miss that!

J: That was always fun, it’s like everyone is in their own circles now – which definitely isn’t a problem, but gathering every now and then would be super cute. Since you mentioned securing a bag – you’ve secured quite a few given that you’ve done basically everything there is to be done in the field of creating. You’ve had an event, or two – along with store/s, and even solidified yourself as the queen. Would you considering yourself a jack of all trades, and could we expect anything in the future?

D: I am definitely the Proclaimed Queen. Wheter good, or bad you’ve heard of me, my name ring bells – I’m honestly one of the biggest names to ever hit the grid, and i have impacted in so many different ways. I proved I am a one bitch army, and can handle ANYTHING thrown my way. I proved I can have a huge successful store, winning over 10 awards for my store alone. My events all did amazing, and had really big name designers, and am also very pretty so thats always a win. You could expect alot more like ALOT.

J: Well, I would like to delve more into the topic of what we could expect in the future – but I won’t do that because I do loveeee surprises, and you surprised us with your recent release of newness from Sabotage just a few days ago. I have to ask, is Sabotage back, and is New Regime gone – is it a sub-brand or...?

D: Sabotage issss back, and I’m releasing a lot of newness very soon..*smiles* New Regime is a sub brand as of now, the difference with NR is that it takes a classier safe route, Sabotage is more of a wild ‘do-what-i-want’ type of style, which could be considered more risky. As far as what’s next with New Regime. – it’s not gone, New Regime is still going, New Regime is actually set to debut its mainstore on the new Vive Nine Sim coming very soon.

J: Niceee, I can’t wait to see all of the newness that you have in store with both New Regime, and Sabotage – since you brung up the different styles, I’d like to ask you what exactly influenced you to create in the style that you do considering that it’s quite original to your aesthetic, and brand.

D: Lack of originality on SecondLife is literally an epidemic, like a serious issue..*sighs* I haveee to think outside of the box, and bring fresh new ideas. I've always strived to be different – even with the orange.. No one was doing it, orange was always my least favorite color but i said why not take something like orange and make it a powerful, bold, and different statement.

J: You mentioned you being the first to use the color orange as if there’s someone else using it – what exactly do you think of those that try to imitate your aesthetic?

D: I am very flattered, now if your stealing my work thats a difference, but imitation is the biggest form of flattery. I also see alot of big store brands trying to do what i do and i love it, it lets me know that I am doing something right *laughs*.

J: Are you convinced that there is a lack of creativity amongst creators that bite off of smaller creators?

D: HELL YES! I wont even get deep into this, I am sure you guys can open your eyes and see the amount of non-creative creatures we have roaming around here. Its sickening.

J: I’m gonna brighten things up a bit before I go back into the topic of your brand – it’s style, and aesthetic, me and the readers would love to know what exactly put you on the map in the world of creating – in other words, which of your items sold the most?

D: My denim thongs was definitely my first hit, they’ve been out for over 3 years and are still selling like hotcakes. I think it has to do with them being a very risky and revealing piece lol, but yes the denim thongs put me on the map for sure.

J: I lovee those thongs, and a little birdy told me they’re soon to make a comeback when you open the doors to the new Sabotage flagship. Now, let’s talk about your circle – You’ve worked alongside many people and that obviously takes good communication skills, who would you consider to be your circle, whether they’re creators or not.

D: As far as who's designers that I am close to and would consider my real friends, and circle would be, Mishi from Blueberry we have a bond outside of secondlife which alot of people think is such a strange mixture, cause she is like the nicest sweetest person ever and everyone looks at me as the bad guy but, we mix so well. Even though we are very different we are very both real and I am glad God placed us in each other lives. I have learned so much from her that has formed me into a better person today. Vo from SEUL is my good good sis, Sanya from Vive Nine is also my sister who i love dearly, always looked up to her so it’s nice to be like yes i work with Sanya or aside her, and she's dope. Torei from Betrayal is my child, so I dont know if he counts but his store is something to look out for and we’re very close. Other then that i have cool friends that i know and respect, Such as Beusy, Ambush, Reveal, Foxy, DOUX, Represent, MOON, Kraftworks, MaiB, Wonton, and a few more. I can go on for days, and ofcourse ALL of my kids stores! 28LA, Nastygirls, WolvesByNature, Betrayal, Majesty, REIGN, PinkAcid, Bluprint, Björn, Fatal, Love, Etc.

J: You clearly have a handful of people, if not more, and that obviously comes with the public figure status – so does enemies, do you feel that people you were once friends with try to tarnish your name, and legacy?

D: Yes chile.....yes, but I just like to look at their lives now, and then look at mines and remember why God is so great *giggles*.

J: *laughs*, Well, another thing is that people often times associate your name with drama, why do you think that is?

D: I came here very open hearted, open minded, and very gullible to the SecondLife scene. On the urban side, people can be very ignorant. I never woke up and decided to come at or start with anyone, any altercation I ever been placed or involved in I have always been on the defensive defending myself, fortunately enough for me, I have a very loud bark and a very painful bite. I am war ready always have and always will be thats just in my nature, I wish that people can just get to know me beforehand instead of passing judgement on me. I love to LOVE and anyone who knows me will tell you that i am wayyy too nice but what the public use to see was always me lashing out in defensive, the only thing I am guilty of is not being able to walk away when drama is brought to my door, I always answered the door, why not? I don't bother anyone, I sit with my family, and work on my clothing there should be no reason anyone wants to pick with me call me g*ys, f*gs, and all sorts of disgusting things, and then cry when I strike them back. I give you what you give me times three.

J: That’s a good way to describe things, obviously something will happen to you if you mess with or do something to someone, that’s just how things work sometimes – sometimes however, problems can be solved with a simple apology or talk. Do you regret any of the things that you’ve done on the grid.. or that the grid has seen?

D: Yes, I regret caring about what everyone thinks of me, I also regret not making my ass clap in those sex tapes *blows kiss at the camera*.

J: *screams* Well, I wasn’t expecting that.. – when there is drama, there is also pet peeves.. what would you say is your BIGGEST pet peeve?

D: Trolls, people who sit online all day when their only agenda is to talk about other people to take away from the fact that they’re not happy, it’s so sad.. like people will literally sit down all day and discuss someone who never everrrr thinks about them, its mind boggling. Like, get a job and a hobby. Putting someone down will NOT rid your problems, when you get off the computer.

J: Trolls can always be a little annoying, just take them with a grain of salt – however in your position it could be a little bit different given that you have a title to uphold, let’s end this interview on a good note, if you could improve the grid in any way, how would you?

D: More black successful businesses. More urban designers in these big events. To give everyone a chance, so many people come to the urban side steal ideas, take it into these big events, and release them. Meanwhile, the original designer doesnt get any invitation to any of those events.. It needs to change and I will change that. To the creators who are just starting, never stop trying even when it seems like theres no future for your store or business. Keep it going, you will get recognition from the right crowd, and what you think may be the right crowd may not always be the right ones. Dont be discourage by events or sales. keep striving and be original because it will get you a long way.

J: Thank you soooooo much for having tea time with me Dreem, and I’m so glad you could give us insight on the different topics we discussed within this interview. I can’t wait to see you again! Any final statements?

D: Thank you for having me, it was my pleasure – anddddd just wait til’ you see what’s coming from Sabotage, and New Regime *smiles*.

Please be sure to keep up with Dreem Doll’s future releases on her social media, and shop at the links below!

FACEBOOK / INSTAGRAM / FLICKR / MARKETPLACE

[makiema]

I agree with most of this but I don't really think his development was "stalled" since he met Erwin because even though he left most decisions on him, he infringed when he needed to, mostly with Eren- taking responsibility for him, encouraging him to make his own choices, acknowledging the fact that repression wont work on him. Plus, in Uprising he shouldered half the responsibility along with Hange and did quite well. It proved how, even in Erwin's absence, the characters can carry the plot. In RtS like you said, he had to make two of the most conflicting choices. And these two arcs showed how much agency Levi had in the story, at least till that point.

Tbh, it's the same with the rest of his squad. Armin had such an impressive development in RtS but rn he is robbed of agency too. MA's misconception regarding Eren has left them with no other alternative and regressed them in a way. Jean is still only good at "reading" situations but not capable of exercising his agency to change it, Connie is still centering on familial concerns. I feel like everyone is being denied agency and its not just Levi- the whole squad has regressed. Not only Levi, but Mika and Armin are also conflicted about their past choices and are reflecting on that, and kind of guilt tripping themselves, when they should focus on the present catastrophe and think of a solution or at least address the situation in a more uh,...logical manner.

I do believe Levi reacted more out of his instant grudge rather than the collective weight of his past against Zeke and that he'll snap out of it because...if he doesn't, that'll be like a very cruel abrupt end to his arc. The fact that he's not physically adept to contribute anymore leaves the possibility of him having a more contemplative, observing role from now on so I hope we get his stance soon. And I want his monologue to be a progressive one and not some pointless vengeance shit. Obsessing over revenge is so basic and childish, he really needs to get over that and like in Uprising take the reigns again. He should be the one dealing with his squad and Hange + Jean should deal with the internal SC conflict. That would do his arc justice imo and also properly resolve Hange and Jean's character arcs because they need to step up their leadership game and bring results.

Levi has always fought for humanity's sake and is still fighting for Eldia's cause. The reason why he brought up freedom is probably because he knew that Eren's main drive is freedom and that would be the right way to encourage him and motivate him. It is not like freedom doesn't mean anything to Levi but I feel like that's not his primary drive, unlike Eren. Levi's main concern has always been to direct his strength towards a positive cause (saving humanity) and in Erwin's absence and Hange's inability to guide, all that strength is rendered useless and the only outlet left for that is violence, which is why he reacted like that in 114. The only reason I'm not that frustrated about the explosion happening is because I genuinely believe that Levi will have a more insightful role now. And he'll talk with Eren or reproach him and be instrumental in stopping this mess. He is the adult here, it's not that unlikely for the 104th to be emotional and lost but for Levi to be lost, at the moment of such a crisis, is unsettling. His seniority is not just for show, he is actually capable of acting when pushed into a corner and he more than lives up to the image of a mentor figure to his squad. Plus, all the focus on Levi's understanding of Eren's nature?? That can't just be thrown out, I mean why'd Isa go out of his way to foreshadow Eren's arc via Levi's thoughts on him at the very beginning of the manga if he's just gonna make Levi non-inclusive in Eren's life. He has a superior understanding of Eren, (I can't stress it enough how much I need him to be the one to talk Eren down ugghh) he had a lot of agency in Uprising, direct responsibilities in RtS and if he isn't conducive to the story anymore, it'll just be a poor example of rounding up a character. It makes no sense to throw so much light on Levi only for him to be reduced to a bg character now.

The characters may be guilt-ridden yes, even for the longest time, but for them to not step out of that and take command of circumstances again is also not in par with the main theme of freedom, (freedom as in having the freedom to choose and act, basically, having agency) so I really hope we see Levi being instrumental soon. And not just Levi, the rest of them too otherwise it'll leave a bad taste in the readers' mind because we do invest in characters and not just plot and themes.

Hi vivi, there's smth I didn't understand, about when Levi was ignorant about Erwin's true motivator then when he knew it. In the beginning he used to talk about freedom stuffs but after Shiganshina battle he almost didn't? Was those freedom stuffs related to his fake vision of Erwin?

Hey there!

Honestly, I’m not the best person you should ask this to. I’m pretty sure I’ve proven myself to be someone who does not understand Levi very well. Or maybe, what I understood of him was either wrong all along, or it is simply something I don’t like anymore, and that I find pitiful (especially if this is all there is to it), after putting together all the pieces of his character arc until now and in light of more recent highlights of his character when paired up with his past.

For the sake of giving you my opinion, since you asked, I think Levi has lost himself, and that’s why he doesn’t bring up freedom at all. This is just my rough interpretation of a part of his psychology that I’ve never quite seen analyzed so I could just be wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  tl;dr at the end.

Keep reading

[amylehpamer]

rut and roll

"Do something each day that scares you"

My thought when I read this on posters in sub par cafes or on Lululemon bags is FUCK OFF.

An Australian translation would be "get amongst it", and I suppose it's all derivative of "Carpe Diem". However it's expressed, the reality is I'm allergic to the concept. The allergy presents itself in deep sighs, audible to my partner from across the room, aggressive nail biting and a very defensive tone.  

I don't like doing things that scare me. I don't like to be scared. I avoid compromising situations. In my case these situations vary from loud clubs to dog parks to meeting new people. I colour in the lines. And yes, everyone who has ever seen a counsellor/psychologist.. I know it all boils down to the fact that I don't like being out of control. Still, I don't want to grab life by the scruff of the neck and make it my bitch. I don't want to live loudly.  Life needn't be my bitch. I don't know which way to YOLO*.  And til now I've done nicely at achieving what I'd like at a steady, achievable pace. I've had a good dose of luck based on a great deal of preparation.

But I am stuck right now. And my attitude is a big problem.

My resistance to motivation is getting worse as I get older. I'm becoming a crone. And it is because I am scared. Unlike some of our neighbours, I am not scared of brown people, or even automation taking over my job. Who hasn't worked with a few robots in their time already (boom, tish). I can't go online without seeing towering achievement after towering achievement. People are fucking miraculous and motivated and continually asking things of themselves that push boundaries and surprise and elevate those around them. Fuck you, Facebook friends, for elevating the rest of us by association. Social media proves itself time and time again to be quagmire of shitness: its existence as a distraction, its fuelling of my clothes addiction and severe reckoning with my previously decent body image are just a few of these shit things. However, rising up from this fetid pit of consumerist, self hate motivating propaganda is a glorious local news bulletin of achievement. It is magnificent.

Things I love about the internet/social media No longer are parents reduced to a birth notice as the basis for congratulations on a new born. We now get fully detailed origin stories. It is always a genuinely great read and the photos are beautiful and the outpouring of love is real and life affirming.

People can post a clip of themselves singing and it gets watched and shared and praised. And probably bitched about a little, but that's not what I'm focusing on here.

New jobs, new homes, new hair. I love that every blow wave gets its bit of airtime, that birthdays get acknowledged and that every end of year we state our resolutions like we mean it and rescind them as soon as we capitulate during FebFast.

Podcasts!!!

You can write a dumb blog about being an unmotivated crone and at least your sister will read it and share it (not hinting, Stef, you're just very supportive and I appreciate that). If you just wrote shit down in your diary 15 years ago, no one was going to see it and printing it out and handing it out to friends at Christmas would be a little on the nose. Although, I have a mortgage now and maybe self publishing my essays on existing could save me a little Christmas cashola. Bookmark this thought, Amy.

Anyway, the social media can be a good realm for outlets and boosts. It can also be a cesspool of muck: destructive, hurtful and a vortex into which productivity goes to die. I have written another post all about this that I probably wont post cause it's not going to help any of us, because do I really need to add fuel to that bin fire?**

The point is, my point here is.. Despite getting some things done in my time, I now have down time and instead of feeling liberated and flexible I feel scared again.  And feeling scared is different to doing things that scare you.  It's pathetic and passive and makes me feel small and inferior. I've lost some groove. And getting a little older makes achieving anything BIG and life changing seem exponentially more difficult. The decreasing elasticity in my face seems to relate directly to my inability to bounce back from rejection. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit, particularly in public, and instead of liberating me it's causing heartache and volatility.  

Quite basically, I am human and I don't know what to do about it.  I'm a high achiever that doesn't know what's worth achieving. Sure, I got some skills but they may need retooling. And amidst all this happening from within my own ticking brain, on the outside I'm fighting with my boyfriend, my dad doesn't believe in climate change, and I'm only just climbing out of the dumb shock of being advised by a doctor to quit performing altogether so I could make a life more suited to being a mother, which I should aim to be within the next year. Or else.  

It's a bizarre and unbalanced life, this one, and it's gotten the better of me more days than it hasn't so far this year. (It's ok, I know that doctor is a crock. I only wish I had a good response on the day. I just cried a lot.)

So tonight I write. I write in thanks for the reminders that there is much super human happening around me. I write in fear for the world, because there's a lot happening around us that's scary and sad. I write to hold a giant mirror to myself, trying desperately not to criticise what I see. And I write to be productive. It's exercise, catharsis and yes, it is a way of forcibly scaring my scared self. I have emoted, I am now vulnerable. This is very uncomfortable for me.

Signing off, defeated by the positive messaging of Lululemon and mental health professionals but admittedly relieved that I have poured out some of the mess in my brain and done something. In protest, I'm going to attempt to live well within my comfort zone tomorrow. COME AT ME, COMFORT ZONE.

*YOLO is a really problematic concept for me. Do I to eat all the donuts and drink the wine because YOLO, or do I avoid refined sugars and alcohol because YOLO and your health is important in that one life of yours. I think I'm more in the latter team for YOLO (which just feels like the wrong team. It is the wrong team, isn't it?)

** I really just wanted an understanding place to detail my kaleidoscope of feelings after seeing an instagram video ad that showed a woman getting filler in her cheekbones. It was obscene in the extreme. But... is it actually the future that we will all be Maleficent and maybe I should jump on board and be a taste maker in the area, despite being fairly terrified of needles and also of Maleficent??

[a-for-alternative]

Dynamic [Mercy]

Truly, nothing prepared them for the frustrating, ego-bruising experience of struggling with case files that would become predictors of their self-worth. Setbacks to the inexperienced ego compiled eventually turning into despair and before long panic. The walls closing in on one’s sense of competence when left to draw their own conclusions about why they struggle when given all the tools to succeed. Even daydreams about exploring foreign countries and traveling the world were bittersweet under the bone-deep fatigue they suffered in pursuit of L-grade quality. No one had told them, “You wont have the energy to explore anything beyond your own twin bed.”

Alternative was certainly feeling that reality on this September night. He thumbed through the case file, all documents he had read through at least twenty times over. His eyes stung with a nights debt.

What had started out as two double murders had reach a total of five victims. All killed in the beds in which they slept by a single gunshot wound to the chest. The first four victims, two married couples, and the more recent death a single widower that happened to be a retired police officer.  --- A serial killing or something more personal?

The first couple, the McCullahs, a foster family with no criminal pasts and no known enemies had no direct connection to the second couple, the young and childless Belfrys. That is with the exception of the Belfry's current employer, Brookehaven -- a children's home from which they had adopted their now late child, Nathanial. The child had past away four years previously. That being considered, the Belfrys had not moved into town until two years ago and had never met Nathanial when he was alive. The latest victim, Carter Werneke, a retired police officer, only added to the ambiguity of the crimes by rattling the one similarity the victims shared -- their marital status. But after considerable digging, it was uncovered that an investigation had been conducted nearly eight years ago by Werneke on the McCullahs for suspected child abuse. However, it had been dismissed.

A knew that there was a pattern, a piece missing to tie all these people together and he hated to admit he needed something more to complete the puzzle. He may have to wait for the next murder to pull it together and finally close the case. If there would even be a sixth victim.

Forget the bitterness of having to sit back powerlessly until the next shoe fell. What if there wasn’t going to be a sixth?

What if he couldn’t solve this? What if he wasn’t good enough to solve this?

Alternative bit the end of his pencil as he scrolled through the list of employees at the children’s home. He knew the Belfry’s were the odd one’s out. The child that had passed away four years ago had once been at Brookehaven but the Belfry’s were not employed at the institution until two years ago.                       What made them so special? What was their connection?

Alternative rubbed his eyes, unaware of the second prodigy’s gaze. B watched him as he reached blindly for the coffee mug on the bedside table. Long adolescent fingers fumbling missed the handle, sending it clattering to the floor. The black liquid splattered onto the off-white carpet.  

“Shit.” He cursed, his voice tinged with exhausted irritation. B said nothing, observing A stare indignant at the cold stain. His shoulders fell gradually with a sighing breath but remaining perched on the bed, reluctant to get up and shift focus to cleaning up a mess.               It felt like the universe was against him.

He had spent three days seeking a connection between the first couple and the Belfry’s to find nothing. He focused on the crime’s similarities, only to learn that effort was wasted when the fifth victim turned up dead five days later. He had then wasted the next week looking through cases investigated by the retired police officer and ruling out suspects. Now, he would be wasting another ten minutes of his focus on something that wouldn’t matter in the end 

-- Just another task, another wasted effort.

“You didn’t need it anyway, your mind is slowing down. You need rest.”     The glare Alternative shot B was hot and sharp, fresh from the forge.

“I need things to just work.” He hissed with a restrained heat that his eyes had given away plenty well. He turned back to the laptop, attempting to look busy. It was his way of saying, ‘Don’t tell me what I refuse to admit’, without actually saying it.

Open unpleasantness did not dissuade the other prodigy from swinging his legs over the edge of his bed and making an approach. A wanted to say something unwelcoming but couldn’t manage it though the fatigue as B craned his neck to eavesdrop on the screen. Alternative pretended to be preoccupied with the professional photographs (as though those counterfeit grins gave him a lot to go on).

“Causian... single... two children... married...”   Alternative heard B mumble quietly to himself. He resisted the impulse to roll his eyes, surprised at his own impatience. He knew this wasn't the other’s fault but the frustration had no outlet. “... They’re all dissimilar... You’ve not narrowed it down further?” The inquiry did not hold any condescension. Even if it had, Alternative was too worn out to come up with a good defense. There came a heavy, surrendering sigh.           “No.”   He conceded bitterly.                    “... You’re looking for the next victim?”

                              “I don’t know if there will be a next.” He replied, rubbing his tired face. He dreaded rehashing the whole lead up and wished B would simply lose interest. Why did he care anyway? Alternative changed tabs to a list of precinct employees. But B did not budge, continuing to hover silent and wide eyed like an owl. There was too much to go over with him for it to be worth his time. Was this forced sympathy or was he curious about what the first thought was worth losing sleep over?

A shifted to the next tab intent on waiting B out. He rested his cheek against his knee, fighting the sleep deprivation and unable to focus when closely supervised. ‘Please, just go away.’, he thought, sullen and beginning to ache over having reacted immaturely moments before.

“Stop.” Came an abrupt command from over his shoulder as a clammy pressure prevented him from scrolling further down the page. His eyes sweeping from the hand atop his to the index finger, rippling an image on the screen like a prismatic bulls eye.

“There...” Came a whisper so close he felt the humidity on the breath caress his ear. The image radiating LCD ripples was of one Elisa Humphry, a social worker, just another face on the list until this very moment. “This one, ... you need to look into.” He spoke with an air of prophesy. Alternative turned and glanced over his shoulder as the other withdrew.

“Trust me.” The dark haired prodigy said, his eyes full of something dire and knowing.

Wammy’s second child had a quasi-clairvoyant knack for identifying active suspects, and even occasionally predicting their moves with intuition alone. It was like instinct in a blood hound and Alternative couldn’t deny the stinging jealousy towards B’s unobtainable gift. It wasn’t training or a learned talent, the hunt was just born in that dog.

He encountered some difficulty in justifying the undercover operation but after some digging he had found an excuse -- Humphry had been one of Nathanial's case workers many years ago (though only one of several). It was enough to get an officer posted near the house and as fate would have it, B’s instincts stayed true to their reputation. An unfamiliar figure was seen skulking in the shadows. When they jumped the backyard fence, their intention to trespass was made apparent. The suspect hadn't tried to run when approached by the undercover officer who rounded the back and found them squatting down near the rear entrance to the home. The possibility of it all being coincidental, a foiled burglary attempt, was ruled out when a weapon of the same caliber as the one used in the murders was recovered right at the scene.

Not quite nineteen, tall, dark haired and gangly, their suspect was brought to the station and identified as Simon Schofield. A quick search though the police log revealed that the he had no criminal record, no run ins with the law, and no notable past with the exception of his residency at Brookehaven. Having left the system barely half a year before the first murders, it was certainly worth examination. Interrogation became their only readily available next step when trying to contact Humphry (to discern any particular motive) failed. Later it was revealed that... the social worker had died of a simple slip and fall in her own home. How unfortunate that victim six had been saved one fate only to succumb to another.

It took a warrant and a search of the young man’s new residence but it soon became clear that Simon not only knew the late Nathanial but they were something resembling relatives. 

Simon had never met his father and Nathanial’s mother had been absent after the first three years of his life. Nathanial’s father was present but hardly capable of raising a child, he had cycled him in and out of foster care for a few years when Simon’s mother became interested in him. After moving in together, the duel-parenthood was less of an arrangement to share responsibility than a good cover for activities they engaged in out of the way of prying eyes. The father having struggled with a narcotic addiction for years that kept Nathanial in limbo and was slowly introducing Simon’s mother to the scene. Using his lover as camouflage, Nathanial's father could come and go without worry of anyone presuming he had left his child to fend for himself, reducing the risk that one might go to check in on the boy to discover him alone. They managed to carry on this way until the mother had indulged too heavily and died of respiratory arrest following a heavy dose of hydrocodone.

An investigation into the death had been conducted and ultimately ruled as accidental. Though Nathanial’s father escaped scrutiny, he had no claim to Simon who was eventually surrendered to CPS shortly after his mother’s death. Over the next year, Nathanial was subjected to the same unreliable parenting as before the tragic relationship’s end and he too eventually wound up in Brookehaven. The reunion of the off-record siblings lasted until Nathanial was eleven, when he was put into the McCullahs foster home. While in their care, there had been an investigation into suspected abuse and he had been brought back to Brookhaven for a short time. It was during this time that he had revealed to Simon the incident that lead to his return - his attempted runaway. He shared poignant details about being dragged out of a mulberry bush by an elderly police officer and the unhelpful, distant gaze of a greying social worker with the pictures of a pet loris on her desk. The same people that came to retrieve Nathanial after the investigation was closed, due to insufficient evidence to support any wrong doing.

It was only a year later that Nathanial was adopted by the foster family but he stopped corresponding with Simon a few years later mysteriously. Though he was deeply troubled by the sudden silence, administration had changed hands. The new staff members had no investment in the extra-institutional relationships of the residents, especially those of non-relatives. They pacified Simon by suggesting that if he waited only a few more years, he would be aged out of Brookhaven and then could seek the other out.

He had waited the nearly four years to be released, only to find that Nathanial McCullah was a name attached to an obituary page and not an address he had hoped to find. Feeling as though he had been callously circumvented, he felt a profound resentment towards the staff that had not done him the kindness of bringing Nathanial’s death to his awareness. Denying him a chance to attend the funeral or seek out the McCullahs for answers. Over the next half a year, he struggled with filling in the gap between the last letter he received and his emancipation from Brookhaven. What had occurred and lead Nathanial to commit suicide was unclear. But, he placed blame with the McCullahs, concluding that after the adoption had been finalized Nathanial felt trapped in the home he had attempted to escape years ago.

Finding the McCullahs, his primary targets, was simple -- they were in the phone book after all. Punishing the office workers was the next easiest step, he had only to follow them home one evening from their place of work. Finding Carter Werneke, the police officer that had failed to prevent Nathanial from being returned to the McCullahs was also rather straight forward. The list of officers was within the public record and locating Werneke only took five days.

However, finding Humphry, the greying social worker had been the challenge. Social workers due to the nature of their jobs often were not listed as being employed at one place or another and would conceal their current addresses. It was the seemingly insignificant detail that the social worker had a slow loris that gave Simon a critical detail to find her. At the time Nathanial had been brought in to see Humphry, she had been disinterested in his case due to the lingering sorrow over having had to put down her aging exotic pet.

Rather cleverly, Simon had deduced that though there were several veterinary clinics in town, only a very few would take something as exotic as a loris. And that veterinary clinic would have Humphry’s address in their billing system. A few calls later and he had narrowed down his list and find that only one clinic would take this particular animal. The break in that followed was looked into, a report made and filed away but nothing taken or damage done, it had seemed to be an incident of low priority. Perhaps, the thief decided the vault appeared too complicated.

It was however, the piece of evidence Alternative used to patch up his case file and complete the narrative. Simon had broken into each home though the rear entry using the same tools as those of the animal clinic break in.

Simon broke into the clinic days before, looking for information on a victim he could not find readily - a social worker. The social workers who had worked with Nathanial and had their addresses in the system were at highest risk. This was the logic he was going to present, a kind of fabricated build up, an explanation on why he had thought Humphry was particularly at risk.

Turning in the file, his relief ebbs as the sense of guilt and foreboding nag at his conscience. This wasn’t a fair win, this was admirable or noble or even permissible. He had not asked Backup for help. But, had he made the wrong choice in picking the sure thing rather than grappling with uncertainty? B had put the cheat-sheet in front of him, the answer already in his mind before he had a chance to weigh out the ethics of accepting it. Perhaps, it wasn’t wrong to accept it in the spirit of trying to prevent Ms. Humphrey's murder, even if it was motivated more by the want of reprieve.

But, he had falsified a key point in his deduction and that spoke to a great inner failing that he would have to hope would never be discovered...

He feels the anxiety hard and heavy in his stomach like a lead block as he waits with unwavering dread. There’s a sharp sense of knowing, that same kind one feels when a policeman comes to the door when someone else you expected never came home. It’s that blood-chilling that brings a hollowing silence like a winters night, the echoe of knowing inside what’s not yet been said aloud -- like a shout in the dark.

It’s already in you before it’s even part of your world.

All his work, all the nights spent devoted to the task, would they all be called into question? How unforgivable was dishonesty when trying to obtain the single letter synonymous with justice?

Wammy’s Second, B, had been called into Rogers office for a private consultation and A does not need the other boy’s extrasense to know why -- there is suspicion surrounding that force fit evidence and they are asking B confirm or deny any forbidden aid he may have provided. 

He thinks he can feel he voices reverberating through the wall pressed at the back of his head as he waits for a verdict. Logic hasn’t looked far enough ahead to consider whether or not he would fight the claim, attempt to hold on by his fingernails as B forces him off the throne and back to insignificance. He cannot bring himself to resent the second. Actually, he acknowledges the other boy should feel a sense of moral obligation to give them the truth. After all, this was no small prize and the position should never fall into the hands of the deceptive or dishonest. 

They gave him his necessities, a sense of purpose, a calling. Alternative certainly couldn’t give B anything close to what the institution had to offer and he should feel beholden to them on some small scale. While Alternative... Well, he gave him unyielding frustration at being bested, a challenger that would not yield, and a roommate that loses his patience and spouts out things like

                                                                          “I just need things to work!”

Had it really had that biting emphasis at the time? He can’t remember but at the moment, it feels as though it did...

The door come open, sending the thought far from his mind. B sanders out, nearly colliding with him as he spins around. “Whoa.” He says over the sound of the door clicking shut. “Hey--”

Alternative’s stare is unreadable and rather wide but there is something expectant about the lack of returned greeting as though he’s waiting for the other to go on. He almost wishes time would stop, to keep it from coming but all he can do is brace and endure it.

“What...?” The second asks and A can’t tell if he is being coy or if he really just wants him to beg for that bone, just to feel a little more powerful than he already is in this moment.

Alternatives flat expression falls with a subtly that is both indescribable and understood, the modest down cast shift of his gaze communicating both ‘I know’ and ‘I’m not asking you to be sorry’. 

“... He asked if I helped. I told the old man no.”  He said triggering a perplexed, doubtful expression like A half expects it to be a joke. It seems all too unceremonious for it to have not been what it is -- an opportunity to eliminate the first passed up. It was quick and direct as though he felt Alternative would walk away before he had the chance to get it out.

“I won’t be doing it again...” He warns, his eyes taking on something dull and melancholy. “This could have led to a lot of trouble.” He finishes the statement with a breathy trailing that lingers between them for a moment. Then, deciding anything unsaid was already hanging too thickly in the air to need mention, he turns to leave and begins to walk away from Alternative.

Stunned by the finality of it, he struggles with the awe and confusion over B’s decision. Not only has he spared A what could have been elimination but he had lied and let himself become a part of the deception he gained nothing from. There was no you owe me in how he turned on his heel and left things where they fell.

                               “B, wait.”

           The dark haired teenager pauses and turns without sound.

The more his mind turns the events over, the greater his sense of disbelief and the more profound the feeling of gratitude towards B grows. He can’t understand how their rivalry hasn’t demolished any motivation for this kind of action. And, Alternative regards it as rather altruistic and unnecessarily merciful. 

Approaching with a softened demeanor, he doesn’t think he has ever felt this way before. How does one express something so beyond thank you?

He stops in front of his peer unsure how to navigate what has been inspired inside him, until he opens himself to the inclination to place his hands very gently on either side of the boy’s face. He can feel the other’s warmth soaking into his fingertips not unlike when he rested a cold hand against the second child’s fever drenched forehead one evening. -- ‘no one has to know what we do in private.’ He had reassured the other. But that time had not earned the flicker of confusion he sees in B’s eyes, shifting in search of why.

He does not have answer to give and when he does not pull away, Alternative leans in and presses a tender, innocent kiss to his friend’s lips.

            It is a brief and heartfelt thank you that he never says aloud...

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time

[rueur]

Morning Pages No. 54

Monday 17th August - 8:00 AM

I was up at around 7:25, but I didn’t start this right away. And I’m okay with that, I mean I realise I need to be a bit more lenient with myself when it comes to building this practice back up again. Fear of failure is something that I really need to address if I want to attain any level of meaningful success, I know that. It’s been two and a half or so years since my last morning pages, and from what I can tell after briefly reading over and then half-heartedly publishing my last entry, in the last few months of 2017 and that one month in 2018, I seem to only write up these pages if I felt emotionally volatile, like I needed to express myself. If I associated negative feelings with this practice, it’s definitely clear why it didn’t stick like I wanted it to. This isn’t supposed to be a form of therapy or an outlet where I get to vent, even if I do get to vent. This is just supposed to be an opportunity for me to be honest with myself, which is something that I’ve been struggling to do for the last three years, if I’m going to be completely honest! 

It’s also worth saying that I didn’t start this up again of my own volition. Sarah’s put together a group on Facebook called ‘21 Days of Abundance’, where she’ll be setting 21 days of challenges which are supposed to aid us in our personal growth and support our ability to be mindful. Day 1 was setting yourself a personal goal or intention that we should aim to do on every single one of the 21 days. It has to be a measurable goal, so we’re more likely to achieve it. People chose things like ‘no screen time for an hour after waking’, or ‘meditate for ten minutes or so a day’, and those are both pretty honourable goals that I honestly might try and do alongside writing my morning pages. I mean I’ve definitely already failed with the screen thing today because the first thing that I did upon waking up was go to the bathroom with my phone and I absent-mindedly watched this Smosh skit called ‘Tinder for Hotdogs’ which was apparently a big vision of Shayne Topp’s. It was just an interesting narrative to follow rather than being a skit, actually it was kind of like a meta skit. Like the ‘Moby Dick’ narration he tried in that one ‘Try Not To Laugh’ video with Gus Johnson. 

Evan just came and put a blanket on me because Lonzo just climbed out of bed very awkwardly - as he is wont to do - when Evan asked him to get out of bed to come and eat his breakfast. LONZO IS MY DOG. I realise in my last few entries, I was constantly talking about how I want a dog but I’m living in an apartment that was quite genuinely way too small for any kind of dog, but now I have a dog! And I don’t live in an apartment anymore! We’re in a house in Epping, and it’s beautiful out here. We have a whippet called Lonzo who was born on the 29th of May, 2018. We’ve had him since July, 2018. So yeah, of course these morning pages were written whenever I was feeling depressed and that’s exactly why I suppose I haven’t written them out in three years now. I’ve been quite happy, building myself up and finding or making opportunities for myself. Lonzo’s just returned back to me. He eats breakfast very quickly because we give him a mixture of meatballs and dry food, and he’ll eat all the microwaved meatballs and leave the dry food in his bowl and eat it throughout the day. I’d be okay with this if it wasn’t for Nicky, who’s always lurking around the food bowl and trying his best to eat Lonzo’s dog food as silently as possible so as not to raise the alarm, not just from Evan and me, but also from Lonzo too, who has quite astute hearing despite being a sighthound. Haha. Sorry. 

I’m thinking of Wren now. If I make a bad joke, I think of Wren. If I look through my photo album on my phone, I think of Wren. And I don’t like it. Wren’s not having a very good time in lockdown, and despite everything that’s going on in my life for myself, I feel like Wren not having a good time is kind of defining my own existence right now. They made the decision to live alone and to see multiple people at a time, and they’ve consistently made the decision to choose intoxicants over healthy, wholesome foods and practices. I’ve tried to talk to them about steps they can take to improve their emotional health and wellbeing right now, and they’ve rarely listened to me, instead asking that I give them all my time so that they can fill their void with jokes and absent conversation. Over a week or so ago now, they asked if we could video chat every day, and we did for two days, until a Thursday night when the chat didn’t happen because Wren had fallen asleep and I was waiting for them to initiate because I had just gotten home from work, and I was happy to chat, but I was also more than happy taking a back seat to it all and just kinda letting it happen to me, you know? But Wren fell asleep and it wasn’t a big deal. Cut to Friday evening around six-ish as I’m finishing up at work, and Wren messages me ‘What time is our video call tonight?’, not ‘Can we...’ or ‘Are we...’, just ‘What time...?’, and that honestly didn’t sit right with me. This is Melbourne’s second lockdown, and quite honestly, our first lockdown wasn’t too great for Wren and me, in regards to our friendship. Our friendship was in essence, largely under duress. I find it easier to talk about these shitty things like I’m a narrator in a Victorian novel. Somewhat. I don’t know. Now I feel like I’ve found a natural stall in my inner narrative voice. Stream of consciousness...am I even doing this right? Is the point to conjure stories out of nothing? Is the point to journal absent-mindedly? This isn’t really supposed to be therapy, as I said. And I don’t want to do this wrong again. I believe addressing my anxiety that’s linked to ‘doing this wrong again’ is just a part of addressing my fear of failure. Full honesty here, I went back to edit that sentence. I actually edit this as I write it because I’m a tiny bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, and even though it’s stream of consciousness, I still want it to be grammatically correct and coherent. I’m thinking now that I want to swap the words so it’s ‘coherent and grammatically correct’, but I’m not going to edit that just to give you (me) an example of how much I do edit myself. I’m very proud of my work, even if this is work that only I will ever be able to see. I feel like I still need to talk about Wren though, even if this isn’t supposed to be a form of therapy. 

Wren took Sookie back, so we only have Nicholas and Lonzo. I want another cat. Everyone has cats right now! Lockdown cats! Sarah has Clancy, Nichole has Bishop, and Amy has her two cats Evie and oh my gosh I’ve forgotten the name of the other one...the two black cats that live with her and her three housemates in Heidelberg West, in their ‘witches coven’. I’m kind of glad that my mind has taken me away from Wren and towards cats, but also...I’m right back to Wren now too, to mention that Wren adopted a cat named Fern quite recently and I drove up to Woodend with them on the day of the adoption. I need to go to the bathroom, but I want to wait until I at least finish this page. I can be lenient with myself, but there has to be a limit, right? I feel like if I go to the bathroom right now, I’m not going to be coming back anytime soon because of my damn phone. I don’t entirely know where my phone is right now and I don’t mind that, but honestly I have been tempted every now and then during this writing exercise to use my phone to look something up, or at least check my socials and messenger to find the name of Amy’s second cat. Goddamn, yeah I need to go to the toilet. If I don’t go, then this is going to be all I write about for the rest of this page and that’s just no good. Yeah, I’m going to go. This isn’t even a question of self-discipline anymore, it’s just a question of not being dumb enough to ignore basic biological urges and fucking up your insides slowly over a number of decades until you’re an old person with incontinence. What the fuck. I need to go to the bathroom.

It’s 8:35am, so I didn’t lose much time, thankfully. It’s interesting though, when I was sitting on the toilet, I was really missing writing to the point where I honestly couldn’t wait to start my SEO stuff. I do some freelance content writing right now, too. It was a gig I got through Christian, which I’ve been thankful for for a couple of years now. I’ve been lucky enough to write for the most insane clients, but I feel like I shouldn’t mention anything here just as a bit of a precaution. I find it tricky to distance my work life from my social life, I suppose because I work a lot. I have four jobs. SEO stuff, tutoring, tech retail sales, and more freelance communications stuff. And uni, I’m still doing uni too, but only one subject this semester. I’m really not passionate about this master’s course that I’m doing. Does ‘master’s’ need an apostrophe? I added the quotation marks to ‘master’s’ to get that ruddy red line - or blue line, I forget - to disappear from my document. I guess if I keep digressing it must mean that I am in fact, doing stream of consciousness writing properly. I hate that last sentence. I’m losing the plot in all this concern for grammar, but the way I see it...it’s a skill that I have to offer my friends and loved ones. I’m happy to read anything over at any time and use my skills to help people get the things that they want. Dan wants to give me a few responsibilities with Zuri. I’m eager to help out, but I also don’t know how much time I’ll be able to dedicate to the project, what with all the other things I’m doing right now. Steve said he’ll help me out with some web design stuff, which I’m actually really looking forward to. I’m still not thinking about Wren. Except I am. I hate that I am. But I also feel guilty that I’m trying not to. Wren’s suicidal, because the world is in lockdown and they live alone. They can’t come here because of the 5km radius rule, and they sent me a message yesterday morning asking if they could come over and pretend to be my girlfriend, because exceptions are made for if you’re visiting an intimate partner. We’ve pretended to be an item before, that I have no issue with. But lying and also putting Evan at risk, because Evan is genuinely concerned about breaking any laws right now, due to the high penalties...I can’t do that. I can’t ask him of that. I’m concerned for my friend, but it’s also worth saying that they haven’t been a very good friend to me lately. They demand consideration, but they rarely give it in return. I don’t want to talk about this right now, because I’m at the end of my three pages. Even though...I suppose I do want to talk about this.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Matt wakes me up talking about TMZ... Says they called Don wanting to talk to Matt. I'm still asleep and so Matt knows how to get me to talk when I'm sleeping... So I come up with "TMZ? they can be ass holes" because I remember when I first started writing about ​Jesse they would bug me alot. I knew they were very friendly with Jesse, to the point that I know they really helped him through the whole Sandra Bullock thing and that he really really needed their support. Like it made him feel happy. Like Jesse loves them like best friends love. But they weren't very good, scientifically speaking to be able to guess things.. they were very annoying to me and I blew up more than once. I just, in the end, couldn't stand them. I was trying to break amnesia and they just got in the way with their imagination. So Matt called them and then they said what they said and then Matt said he would not speak to them without legal representation. Eventually I began to wake up.. and I said "It was Jesse. They don't read me enough" And "but they called Don, wouldn't they want to know his side of the story?" And Don denied that. Says people aren't interested in that. Which I mull over because that's not true and TMZ is actually very progressive and they sit around and have people express their opinions about things that happen. Their news stories are presented very different than conventional news. So I come to the conclusion that his side of the story is not very different than mine. The FBI concluded I am correct. I checked my phone for a text about something personal that has nothing to do with bull shit in my life. And I saw a phone call from Los Angeles. I first thought it was Jesse's little cop pal. I know they say he's gonna get his ass kicked if he steps one foot in my state but yet I don't trust him to stay to himself. So I thought it was him at first, because I don't typically memorize area codes. But I got a reactivate physical feeling, usually if it's like Mike Andrews or my mom, my stomach will hurt really bad but my guts were fine And the FBI babysitters that watch my health were all happy because it didn't hurt. I think they saw my reaction before I did. Cause my stomach will hurt really fucking bad, even if it's just my mom. Well my mom is really evil too So in the end. Jesse went calling TMZ because he needs an outlet. A friend. He can't trick and tame me anymore and he is fucking scared to death. So sad about how such a bad boy he's been. And so he wanted his friends to call out. But it's Jesse and he tells TMZ the truth... Ish... Like when his finger got cut off, he lied and said it wasn't Dejoria's fault although it was-ish. So he either deserved it or she was just playing around or wasn't being ill-willed. He of course told me a different story about how she was trying to hurt him. But he typically tells me a different story so that I feel for him. Anyways. That's just Jesse. So all I have to say is that obviously Jesse knows what's true and he's trying to hide in plain sight It's not about the truth or anything of that nature. It's about his emotional buffer. He's so fucking Afraid to be in trouble and if he can get two steps away from the truth then he can get me to chill in my upset and he can feel a little breathing space. He of course hopes to twist back to Don and the NHRA and not his early 90 murdering streak of prostitutes and pimps and Johns in NYC or his murder in Texas of Jeremy, Jeremyuh, Arrianna and Aaron, two infant children whom he also raped. He raped Jeremyuh after he died, too. But not Jeremy because he went to great lengths to hide that murder, to quote Jesse himself. He's quite upset that I've known and not told him that I know he murdered him and he can no longer hide that. I don't need legal representation for anything I say. I probably should, in some hindsight issues, yet I know that people are more scared of me than willing to be in my face about shit, for real. I know the only reason I don't have lawsuits for slander against me is because what I say is truth and no one wants that out in the open any more than it is Except Jesse and that's not so that anything but try to distract me. Maybe some five minutes of fame will make me chill and be happy he's a psychopathic sociopathic lunatic that scopes religion to suit his own penis' happiness. I'm not quite interested in talking to TMZ. I'm more interested in seeing what other people have to say. I just want to be told that I'm right I know I am so it's not necessary And I have just this morning been told so. And no Jesse's plan will not work because, unfortunately for Jesse, I actually understand him and I hope that TMZ has a little light shining now that explains to them why they should just hang up when Jesse calls. It's their choice to do as they like to do however I think it's best they also stay away from Jesse. It's not worth an emotional investment. I understand that many members of TMZ do love Jesse as we all have at least once in our life. But it's just time to let him go In a professional manner, shit is about to hit the fan so fucking bad that I really think that TMZ should keep arms distance from Jesse because they will have to completely reoganize their thinking of him if they show him complete sympathy in current times. Because soon, as I say, he wont be just out getting his dick on and being hated for it. There will be real reason to hate him and the public will not love sympathy towards Jesse. In personal issues, choices is as it is to each individual. But as I say it's not worth the emotional investment. It will drag your ass down Of course they've been in the business long and should know how to separate emotions from professional feeling But I do believe they need a real world standpoint before investment. The whole Sandra thing... That's a different story. Everyone fucks around and shit and it's completely different than rape and murder. Jesse is a terrorist. I'm just trying to stop him And if TMZ doesn't heed the warning. I've supplied what I know and they can use their own psychological guide to understand the situation. And until shit does hit the fan in the media, I suggest they pretend they never heard of him. Me? I really don't give a shit. But the cops will use me to trigger him. And idk that's something that the media really wants to get into right now. And the shit they use to trigger are tricks and not at all substantial. They use my emotions to subdue Jesse so that Jesse can remain calm and do as Jesse does. It's for their safety. Like if I hadn't talked shit about them last night, Jesse would not has went to seek solace with the media. He would not thought he had a way out. He would not tried to find a friend. Which could been very bad. I hurt Jesse's feelings because I also told him I would fuck a cop so that they would beat him up. That was his final, I need to find a friend. Because he learned from me, if you don't feel safe, make shit public. So he could go crying "a cop beat me up" Whatever. He's stupid and immature to think I would do the shit that he does. Seriously I would just trick a cop to let me near him so I could kill him. That's what I would really do. Not anything else. But Jesse can think I would fuck a cop so that cop would beat him up because then Jesse can't see that I would kill him for killing my children. Because I will. And that's the truth. Oh and he tells Dejoria that he killed my kids because I cheated on him. Well he thinks we are together now and have been for the past year and a half and we have not been and I take every opportunity possible to tell him that I'm not and the people in the public so that they can brush him off when he tells people we are together. Because we are not. And we will never be Not that I know who he's killed and what he's done. Because he got his feelings hurt. Don Schumacher likes to keep me in a little dark corner of the internet and will not say a dam thing so that I'm not out in the open with the truth about what he's done. Matt happens to work for him I think Matt should say whatever he wants to say to whoever he wants to say it to. Sure people like to deny it and they like to deny it as long as they can and will go to great lengths to deny the truth However, Don had had cancer and Don know why he got cancer and while his actions are absolutely unbearably wrong, as long as he stays a dusty bunny under the bed like a horrible monster that will come out with his erect penis as though you were a paid prostitute, then he feels his soul is clean. Because, after all, it's only me. And he still thinks he can intimidate me to shut my mouth I've had people murdered in front of me. Had guns held to my head more than once. Been beat and raped and my mouth is still mother fucking running So no, like Jesse, he's a complete moron. I'm not a fucking mirror. I'm a silent killer.

[caffeineandbookshelves]

For the first time in my life (or at least it feels that way) I’m happy. Like, actually happy. I’m with the person I can not only see myself spending the rest of my life with, but the person I am actively planning to. We’re getting engaged then married ( as soon as the ring gets made....) I’m not suffering under my mental issues completely, because they’re being treated, I’ve moved out of my toxic, depressive house (which has been the only constant in mt entire life). I even got to see my partner in crime (who live in japan) this week because she came to visit. I’ve got a plan for going back to school and starting a career that will be fulfilling and allow me a creative outlet. I’’m no longer supporting my brother financially, and he’s starting to grow up (mentally, at least somewhat), which means I can back off my role as mother to him. 

So why is it everything else seems to be falling apart in my life? I’m behind on bills, I owe people (friends) money, I’m constantly getting worse on being late to work, or not going at all. I feel like I’m going to get fired at any moment because I’m so late and keep missing work. My car doesn’t currently work. I have literally NO money to my name. I’ve got to move within the next two months, and I’m panicking because I have no idea what to do about money. I’m being tested for PCOS, and my doctor says my symptoms could possibly be signs of Endometriosis. It terrifies me that there might even be a slight chance I could be unable to have children, or at least have difficulty conceiving. I feel awful most of the time. I’m not currently on speaking terms with one of my closest friends, because after pushing for me and my SO to get together, she seems to be doing everything to not only break us up, but keep us from moving away (so i can go back to school, and build a career), my migraines only seem to get worse. We’re so strapped financially I’m borrowing money from my brother, and we barely have money for food, so I’m eating whatever gross crap happens to be available. I’m so behind on everything I’m afraid of losing my car, having my phone cut off, and losing my insurance (which could mean losing almost everything). I feel like my aunt, who i’m closer to than anyone except my brother will be disappointed in me for so much right now. I barely see or talk to most of my friends, for whatever reasons. My anxiety is out of control. I still need to find a simple wedding dress for when we do this whole get married at the courthouse thing, but since Partner In Crime is going back to Japan, and the store I need to go to is only open 8-5, Monday- Friday, I wont have anyone to go with me. I’m feeling guilty about not telling my grandparents or my aunt. I’m currently not talking to two of my family members. I’m missing my mother, because I need her and hate that I’m doing all of this without her (SO doesnt want to see the dress, even though we’re doing a “real” wedding in a couple years). I feel like I’m losing part of my independence, because I’ve never actaully had a relationship with anyone and have no idea whats happening most of the time. I’m barely sleeping most of the time. I’m literally falling apart, even though I really shouldn’t be. Because everthing I’ve been trying to get for years is finally working. So everything I had decided to go to hell because I can’t actually be happy, and have things go completely right ever in my life.