#( i have to drive for an hour in the morning and that's just not gonna happen if this continues )
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I Wanted To Do It Because They Took Me Away From You
(Part 1 of Adventures of the Batfamily)
Bruce Wayne POV
“Damian’s gonna stay here since he’s still feeling under the weather,” Dick says as Bruce comes out of his office for patrol.
“Sounds like a good decision,” Bruce replies.
“Also, come say hi to Tim.”
Bruce walks over to Dick, who holds his phone out. “Hello, Tim.”
“Hi, Bruce. I heard that the Demon Spawn can actually get sick.”
“He’s had a cold pretty much since you left,” Bruce says. “And be nice.”
“Eh…”
Dick laughs. “They mean it lovingly when they call each other mean names.”
Bruce sighs.
“I’ll try to talk them into being more civil,” Dick whispers.
Bruce nods. “Thank you. Tim, how is the mission going?”
“Fine. We’re almost done. Just another day or two and I should be back home with everyone else,” Tim answers. “I’ve missed you guys, even Damian.”
“That’s what happens when you live with a bunch of people and then go somewhere else for over a week,” Dick replies. “I’ve had it happen a lot of times.”
“I’m gonna head out on patrol. You two behave and make sure you check on Damian while I’m gone, Dick.”
“I will. He’s mostly over it so he should be fine in the morning.”
“I know, just make sure that he gets some rest and doesn’t spend all night talking to his many animals.”
“I will.”
Bruce wakes up with a sick feeling in his stomach. He opens his eyes and everything around him is blurry.
“Wakey wakey, Batsy.”
The Joker appears in front of Bruce and he tries to back up, only to find himself stuck where he is. Another Joker appears next to the first one.
“Wow, that really did a number on you, Bats. I can’t even tell if you know what’s going on.”
Bruce tastes metallic, then spits blood onto the floor. He doesn’t feel injured, but the taste is still in his mouth and he can see the blood clearly.
“Oooo, so high, Batsy.”
Bruce’s eyes force themselves closed, like there’s some kind of weight on his eyelids.
Twelve year old Jason jumps out from behind the Batcomputer. “Boo!”
“Nice try, Jason,” Bruce says, holding a mug of coffee. He takes a sip as Jason starts pouting.
“You’re impossible to surprise,” Jason says.
“Not true. You’ll just have to pay close attention,” Bruce replies.
“Dick has managed to surprise me in this cave twice.”
“I gotta ask him how he did that. He’s so cool.”
Bruce smiles and shakes his head. Jason’s eyes are bright as he jumps around in his costume, preparing to fight crime.
Bruce opens his eyes to see Dick across from him, tied up in his Nightwing costume.
“Two caught, one to go,” Joker’s voice says, even though he’s nowhere to be seen.
Dick looks worse for wear. Bruce can see that most of his face is bruised even though his head is down and his arm is in a position unnatural for an arm to be.
“Nightwing,” Bruce says.
He doesn’t say anything or pick his head up. Joker walks back in and throws Damian on the floor in front of him.
“Got them,” Joker says. “Now you can all die together as the happy family you claim to be, on the anniversary of the worst day of your life. We miss baby Jay-bird, don’t we?”
Dick Grayson POV
“Please tell me you’ve got something,” Nightwing says as he and Damian take a break on a rooftop. “We’ve been looking for almost twelve hours and there’s no sign of the Joker.”
“Well I’d love to tell you good news, hot stuff, but I don’t have any.”
Damian groans and turns his comm off. Dick rolls his eyes where Damian can see it.
A moment of silence.
“You alright, Oracle?”
“Hold on,” Barbara says.
“Hold on?” Dick asks.
Damian switches his comm back on.
“The computer finally figured out where he is, but I don’t know that you’ll get there in time.”
“Where is it?” Dick asks.
She rattles off a location and how to get there.
“I can do it. Come on, Damian. We’re never telling Batman how fast I’m about to drive with you in the car with me.”
“Go speed racer,” Damian says as they head towards the Batmobile.
They get to the Batmobile and Dick starts racing towards the warehouse. “Keep watching the feed for me,” Dick says to Damian.
Damian pulls his phone out and turns on the news. “Twenty minutes until the timer goes off.”
“We can get there in twenty minutes,” Dick says hesitantly.
“You don’t sound sure,” Damian points out.
“I’m sure,” Dick replies, hiding his concern behind a quick smile.
Damian nods, clearly unconvinced. Gordon calls so Dick puts the video in the corner of the screen towards Damian.
“We got an anonymous tip on where Batman is,” Gordon says. “We’ve got officers already on the way and I was supposed to contact you earlier, but got busy.”
“No need to worry. We know where he is and we’re on the way.”
“That’s good.”
“How close are the officers?” Dick asks.
“About fifteen minutes out,” Gordon answers.
“We’ll meet them there but they are not allowed to go in without us. Joker will kill them without hesitation if he finds them.”
“I know the rules. I’ve already alerted them that they can’t go in without you guys until the timer hits five minutes. If it hits that point and you guys aren’t there, they’re gonna go in without you.”
“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” Dick replies. “Bye, Gordon.”
He hangs up and picks up speed once he gets on a straight road.
“Weee,” Damian says sarcastically.
Dick shakes his head, but laughs for a moment.
Jason Todd POV
Jason turns on the TV and sees Joker on the screen with a bloody and beaten Batman.
“One hour left until The Batman dies,” Joker says. “Nightwing and Robin are nowhere to be seen and if they’re not quick about it, they’ll get to watch just like everyone else.”
Jason recognizes the room Batman’s being held in. It’s from the “Funhouse”. Jason doesn’t grab his helmet or take any of his normal tools with him. He grabs one of his pistols off of the table and runs to his motorcycle.
After securing the pistol in its holster, he speeds towards the warehouse. He weaves through traffic with expert ease and makes it to the Joker’s “Funhouse” in record time. He walks into the warehouse, memories of his brutal beating at the hands of the Joker flashing before his eyes making it hard to concentrate on the task at hand.
He searches each room until he finds Joker, laughing as he’s telling the camera that there’s only one minute left until Batman gets executed. The method of execution is something else. A cannon-like contraption that’s got smiles and laughs painted on the sides, but instead of a cannonball it has five knives inside of the barrel. Jason grabs the knife out of his pocket and cuts the wires to the camera as Joker pokes Batman’s face while taunting him.
“You’ll have the same death day as your son,” Joker whispers. “A fitting end, if you ask me.”
It takes a moment, but Joker hears the camera feed in the corner of the room cut so he turns in that direction. Jason runs towards him and kicks him into the wall.
“Five… Four…”
Jason looks around the room to see the timer on the cannon still running. One thought crosses his mind as he makes eye contact with Bruce, who looks like a light breeze could take him out.
Joker won’t take anything else if I can help it.
He runs towards Bruce as the timer keeps counting down.
“Three… Two… One…”
Jason grabs at his chest, where the knives found home after being shot from the cannon. Joker, who’s getting up after being kicked into the wall looks shocked, then angry. Jason’s vision blurs, then stumbles back. Joker starts raging and throwing things around.
“I killed you! You’re supposed to be dead!” Joker shouts. “How are you still alive?”
Jason flips Joker off. “I’m just that awesome, shithead,” he chokes out.
Police sirens can be heard, so Jason pops three shots off at Joker. One manages to find home in his arm, so he tucks tail and runs. Jason takes one of the knives out of his chest and cuts Bruce free, then falls onto his back.
Bruce shakily gets on the ground. “Jason?”
“Heh, I cut the camera feeds so you can feel free to pass out until the police show up with Bluebird and your new brat,” Jason says.
“How are you alive?” Bruce asks.
“Ra’s woke me up.”
“What…?”
“I had this grand plan to take control of Gotham’s underworld and kill the Joker. I know your stupid rule of no killing, but just him. I wanted to do it because he took me away from you.”
“Jason, you’re gonna be fine. You can’t die again.”
“You’re acting fairly normal for a man so high off his ass that he couldn’t untie a rope tied like a child tied it.”
Bruce’s breathing gets heavier and faster, so Jason slaps him. It’s weak by all standards, but it does the trick. Bruce comes back to reality and starts checking Jason’s condition.
“Stop it, old man. I guess this is how it should have ended. Dying to protect my family, I like that. I still hate you for replacing me and leaving that scumbag alive, but at least nobody has to lose their dad today.”
Jason turns his head to the side, then starts coughing up blood.
“Father!” a voice calls from somewhere else in the base.
“Damian,” Bruce mumbles, then turns in the direction of the door.
“I hope you don’t remember this when you wake up,” Jason says.
Bruce turns back towards Jason and he slams the butt of his gun into Bruce’s forehead. Bruce blacks out almost instantly and crumples into a heap.
Bruce Wayne POV
Bruce wakes up to the sound of a heartbeat monitor. Steady heartbeat, and someone is holding his hands. He opens his eyes and he’s surrounded by his children. Dick, Tim, and Damian are all sitting in the room around his bed. Dick and Damian have a hold of his hands while Tim’s sitting at the foot of the bed with a book in hand. All of them are asleep in various uncomfortable looking positions. Damian blinks his eyes open and stares at Bruce for a minute before seeming to fully wake up.
“Father!” Damian lets go of his hand so he could use both hands to reposition.
Bruce ruffles Damian’s hair, which he accepts with a small huff. It only takes a minute for the other two to wake up thanks to Damian’s ruckus.
“How long was I out?” Bruce asks.
“Almost thirty-six hours,” Dick answers after a quick glance at his watch.
“It took you so long that Drake was able to come back from his mission,” Damian adds.
“What happened to Jay?” Bruce asks. Dick stiffens up while Tim and Damian look confused.
“Who?” Damian asks.
Recognition crosses Tim’s face, then it turns to confusion. “What do you mean?”
“He was there. He got me out.”
“Jason wasn’t there, Bruce,” Dick says quietly. “You were the only person there and the feed cut suddenly, so we figured you got yourself out. You were pretty high, so you can’t really trust anything you saw.”
Bruce furrows his brows, but only acknowledges the statement with a nod. The subject changes to his recovery, which will take a couple weeks so says Dr. Thompkins. Bruce doesn’t say much, letting his kids do the talking. Tim tells him all about the mission he was on and how well it went, while Dick and Damian talk about adding trackers into the suits so they can keep up with each other.
Everyone quiets back down after a while and eventually falls asleep, so Bruce is left alone with his thoughts. Thoughts about the fact that there should be a fourth kid here with him and there isn’t. That Jason would be here with his brothers if Bruce hadn’t been so reckless and careless.
Jason POV
Jason stumbles into his base and people start rushing towards him.
“Boss, what happened?” one asks.
They take him to the clinic down the road and the doctor treats his wounds. Once the doctor clears him to leave, he heads back to base. Everyone’s waiting, and looks concerned.
“How are you planning on protecting us from the Bat like that?” one asks.
“Bat’s gonna be out for a while,” Jason replies. “He’s being replaced by Nightwing, and I’m pretty sure that you guys can handle the week that I’ll be out.”
“A week?” another one cuts in. “You look like you’ll be out for at least a month.”
“I heal fast,” Jason says. “I’ll be back to working in no time. I’m thinking that we change our tactics a little while waiting for the Bat to come back. I want things to be a little more discreet. Give the heroes a false sense of security.”
He explains the plan to them and they all seem pleased with it.
“Someone keep tabs on whatever you can find about the Joker while I’m out,” Jason says.
He heads back to his tiny apartment and crashes.
#batman#batfamily#batfam#jason todd#bruce wayne#dick grayson#tim drake#damian wayne#barbara gordon#whump#angst#emotional angst#feels#red hood#nightwing#dc robin#dc joker#dickbabs#whump writing
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May I offer you a hastily drawn picture to wish you a good get-through-the-week? :3
HELLO ??????? HELLO hot gluing this to my eyes IMMEDIATELY thank you so much i feel myself becoming stronger already
#fave#'snap i thought you were sleeping' i am not immune to notifications AND I AM REWARDED GREATLY#snap chats#that parks and rec meme You Know The One i havent stopped staring at this for the past five hours <- its been twenty minutes#PLEAAASSE this is so cute omg thank you so much .... ill cherish this until i die and even then ill continue to cherish it in death#PRECISELY the vision i had earlier you get it ......... im OBSESSED#will have to save this to my phone and refer to it like a sailor lost at sea missing his wife#BOTH wives even .... woAh ......#i dont wanna post this cause i just wanna keep lookign at it whenever i open my inbox. like i need this stapled In My Inbox#we'll do the next best thing il'l print it once i can ....... motivation to not fumble these next few weeks and life tbh#AAA THANK YOU AGAIN MY FRIEND for ALL you do. i STILL have to check the drive you updated i saw that vjLEKJEAJ#a morning endeavor surely ..... for now i bid you good night and a heart Thank You for the nineteenth time !!!!!!!!!#I JUST KEEP SCROLLING BACK UP TO LOOK AT IT PLEAAAASSSEEE ok im gonna sleep FOR REAL NOW#GOOD NIGHT and thank you once more !!!!!! i love it sm .......
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hongjoong’s vlog is so boyfriend coded, and he did that intentionally. this man knows our delulu asses love this type of content from him, cuz he’s aware of how down bad we are :))
#i had to take a couple of hours after watching this to process#cuz this was A LOT#the morning bare face beauty 😩😩😩#whyyyy does he have to look so fuckable when he’s JUST BRUSHING HIS TEETH#the one button the arms out the forehead the bare face#UHHHHHHFGGGGHH#I’d give this pussy to him every. fucking. morning.#ok and then him showing the shot of him getting ready in just the tank top#OUCH#THAT WAS PERSONAL#the ARMS#FUCK ME SIDEWAYS#*inahle* HIM DRIVING !!!!!!!!!!#the ultimate boyfriend content#he looks HOT behind the wheel#the road head I’d give this man🥴🥴🥴#…..him in the gym#him leaning back just reclined looking all ridable#wanna straddle him and ride his shit SO BAD😩😩😩#he made sure to show off his arm too🙃🙃🙃#THE STUDIO CONTENT I AM LIVING#the cap while he’s driving at night🫠🫠🫠#so hongjoong when you gonna propose like#I’m ready 🤨💍#hongjoong hard thoughts#ateez hard thoughts#joongie#☕️
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i hope whatever weird thing thats wrong with me is resolved by the concert next month bc if its not im really not seeing how i'll be able to go
#im used to having health problems and usually they dont stress me too much. im good at compartmentalizing it away into a little folder#but this time its just completely weird and nothing ive ever had before and its driving me crazy bc ive been to the doctors 3 times#no help no idea wait until october 3 and its getting more painful and weird every day i keep needing to lay down for hours#and just doing anything womens health related is already a fucking struggle like i dont want to be doing any of this usually i dont#get stressed like this but ive never experienced this so it is freaking me out bc my aunt had weird cancer and my uncles been just diagnose#with stage 4 and hes been given 18months and my grandma died last year can you just take me serious for once#anyway sorry for the monday morning vent but if i dont put this somewhere im gonna have an actual freak out
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Persona 5/ Persona 5 royal spoilers ahead!
Okay so I did this WIP a while back that I discontinued but I'm still going insane about the meaning of it and also the symbolism of masks in this game and also akeshu parrallels so I need to Yap abt them
Yap session under the cut!
The symbolism of masks in this game drives my so batshit insane actually. Like. So often we see in media that people are finally free when they take their mask off (both metaphorically and literally) but in this game we see people's true forms when they put one ON.
Like the palaces are where we see people's true faces and desires. It's the place where no one can hide who they are. And yet it's one one place where you wear a physical mask and disguise and have to conceal who you are.
I could (and will at some point) write an entire essay about that but rn it's akeshu hours
Because Joker is arguably the best example of that, he becomes alive in the palaces, where his face his hidden. It's his freedom
Versus Akechi
The first time we see Akechi show his true form to Joker (and the player) is in what is percieved at the time as the real world. The entire time we work together in the palace, the place that shows who you are despite the mask you wear he hides who he is. It's only in the gritty real world that he reveals himself.
Joker in the real world is perceived (at least by people outside of his circle) as closed off and someone to be cautious around, he has a criminal record so he could be dangerous. The exact opposite of how he is in palaces, the centre of the team and a flame people are drawn towards
VERSUS AKECHI
In the real world he is a celebrity, he is loved, people are drawn to him. But in palaces he's cold and heartless, his words are cutting and he cares for no one, not hesitating to kill to achieve his goal
Opposites in every sense
THE ABSOLUTE PARALLELS IT DRIVES ME INSANEASHBANANSJAKSS
They were both ruined by the same man. They both ended up in their current predicament because of said man. They both had the potential to weild multiple personas. They both have the capability to lead. They are the exact same and yet the exact opposite
They don't need to lie awake at night and wonder what would they be like if their life had turned out slightly differently. They don't need to because they have each other. EVERYTIME THEY GO INTO A PALACE THEY SEE WHO THEY COULD'VE BEEN, THEY FIGHT WITH THAT PERSON SIDE BY SIDE EVERY NIGHT I'M GOING MAD
#THEY DRIVE ME UP THE WALL#THIS IS JUST ME SPITBALLING THERE'S SO MUCH MORE BUT I NEED TO WRITE IT UP PROPERLY AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING COHERENT#I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS LIKE A MADMAN THEY R SO ABSBSNSNSNSM#Every time someone makes a joke abt persona being nothing but a creepy dating sim an angel loses its wings.#I have my head in my hands#There's so much more to it and I could talk abt it and the themes it carries for hours#I need to talk with someone about it or I'm going to blow up. None of my irl friends play in I'm going into withdrawal for lack of being#Able to have conversations abt it#God it's so it's so#I need to write a more indepth thing but I needed to vomit this out before I went insane#This might not make any sense I'll go back and proofread in the morning#Absolutely no one here follow me for persona content but I'll be damned if that's gonna stop me talking abt them#these two drive me so insane they are the perfect mirrors I'm lying on the floor rolling around#Sorry for the mile of tags I'll go back and edit this in the morning#Might delete idk I just needed to Yap#goro akechi#joker persona 5#persona 5#persona 5 royal#akeshu#Yapadoodledoo: fandom edition
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Back on my meds, making a damn decent paycheck despite how many days I had to take off this month, my mom’s feeling better now that she’s home and we’ve figured everything out, our neighbor’s gonna build us a wheelchair ramp for cheap, and my dad miiiiiiiiight be buying a new car as we speak 🤞 (my mom just can’t get into the truck anymore, and she hasn’t wanted to drive her two seater for a while now, so we’re trading it for something practical). Things are finally going fairly well, all things considered ❤️
#she speaks#after the absolute hell we’ve been in all October I think we deserve a fucking break#hopefully this post doesn’t jinx the car lol#we’re keeping the truck obv cuz like we got livestock#but the lil beamer has got to go unfortunately#sad it’s a fun lil car#but it hasn’t been getting the love it deserves and it’s time for something more suited to our needs as a family#kinda exciting really I hope we get it#we all fucking hate spending money so both my parents have been waffling on it for a couple of days#but like I told them mama you got a doctor’s appointment next week for your g tube#and then a hospital follow up with our pcp the week after that#and you’re gonna have to see a gi and a nutritionist pretty regularly#and there’s gonna be more surgeon follow ups I’m sure#and eventually we’re gonna need to take you to outpatient pt cuz we can’t have a home health pt forever#cuz insurance only pays for it for like six weeks#so either we’re gonna have to rent a car every time you go to the doctor#or we gotta buy one#and like this isnt going away you’ll have to go to the doctor often#cuz you’re missing like half of your small intestine#so getting a rental all the time is gonna suck#it would be better to have a car you can get in and out of easily just on hand#not to mention eventually you’re gonna wanna get out of this house just for the hell of it#and it’s not like we can wake up one morning and decide hey let’s go on a day trip#and then waste two hours driving back and forth from the nearest enterprise#which is on an extremely busy two lane highway and is FUCKING terrifying to get to lmfao#so with any luck my dad will keep that in mind and not back out at the dealership lol
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hello fellow tumbleweeds. does anyone else get like.. absurdly fucked up from the local anesthesia injections at the dentist.
#ctxt#i had 3 existing fillings redone this morning on the left side & they numbed both upper & lower jaw#and first off i have a very high tolerance for anesthesia so they had to double-dose me#but then i spent the next several hours incredibly woozy & groggy. feeling almost drunk#had to call out from work cuz i was driving home & feeling in a detached fuzzy way that hmm. this doesn't feel safe.#E says her experience has just been that it feels weird & makes her talk funny for a couple hours then she's fine#i feel like a fried egg sliding off a greasy plate. like i'm made of modeling clay. like my eyeballs are lava lamps.#and then when it wears off and i regain feeling in my head i have a SPLITTING headache that won't quit & feel vaguely nauseous all day#i'm so mad that they didn't have time to redo the last filling on my right side today so i have to go back again#on election day no less. for round two#i tried so hard to make sure they scheduled to do all the dental work at once bc i knew it was gonna knock me on my ass#anyways. time to nap for at least 4 months#shit chat#medical cw
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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#my dad is starting shit with me again and just continuing fights and bringing up shit that has nothing to do with anything#and even when I try to calm the situation he just gets worse and keeps berating me#I want to get out of the house but my partner hasn’t talked to me all day or even checked our message chat#so I don’t want to bother them or just show up without them saying it’s ok#not that they’d have much problem with it probably but if they don’t acknowledge it I don’t want to startle them or something#and idk what if they are mad at me and that’s why they haven’t talked to me today? or if they’re having a bad day too?#they’re not gonna want to deal with my bullshit if they’re not having a good day either#so that’s another problem to contend with#and I’m also really tired and fatigued already because of some recent health issues and just packing my go bag is wearing me out a bit#I don’t really want to pack up the whole car and drive an hour to their house after midnight when I’m already not doing great#so I know I should just stay in my room and get some distance or do my own thing until I fall asleep#but God I just don’t want to be here anymore#tbh I do kinda wanna be dead and I wish I could do something about that#idk if I’m fully suicidal or anything but it’s like… I want to make my dad see how much he needs me and I want to get a fucking break#I want someone to take care of me and worry about me for once instead of giving up everything to him#I wish I killed my self at 16 like I wanted to so I wouldn’t have ever had to deal with any of this bullshit#I sort of wish I could kill myself now just to be done with all of this#but suicide takes too much planning and hassle these days so what’s the point anyway#I guess I’m just depressed and lonely and all that#I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning#but right now I just really wish I had someone to talk to and cry on and tell me it’ll all get better soon#personal
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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It has been the longest week and it’s not even over yet I’m gonna be so burned out next week
#Tuesday was prep for work event#Wednesday I got up at fuckin 4:45 and left home at 5:45 for said work event#which was a 3 hour drive#worked like 12+ hours#didn’t get home till 10pm#woke up early as fuck again this morning to go to my adhd appt 2 hours away#tomorrow I’m going back to work but I’m going in early so it’s gonna be another early day#plus therapy if therapist doesn’t cancel#lol#then on Saturday my bf made plans for us to hang out w his friend and his gf#which is fine it’s just I have to mentally prepare for it and honestly I feel spent and the week isn’t even over yet#:’)
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I have to leave the house at seven tomorrow 😭😭😭
#me when I will have to drive an hour and a half during getting to work traffic just to go be in my feelings at a hospital with strangers#it’ll probably be fine I’m just anxious cause tomorrows my first real day not just intake meeting#I’m nervous idk if I’ll be able to sleep which seems like a perfect time to try my sleep meds but I have to be fully ready to leave the#house tomorrow at seven in the morning so I don’t wanna take my sleep meds and sleep super long or wake up groggy or any of the other#potential side affects#esp with an hour and a half drive right after I get up#ughhhh gonna smoke a bowl and curl up in a ball and go to bed
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Goddd i don't want to go inside 😩
#personal..?#my friend(? idk anymore man)'s birthday party is going on RIGHT NOW#and I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot psyching myself up to go in#bc i have to drive 2 hours home tomorrow morning (like EARLY) and ik if i go in everyone's gonna be disappointed if i don't do something#like drink or smoke or whatever#not everyone#usually my friends are like “that's fine we just want you to have fun”#but fun right now is laying in bed watching evangelion and drawing lesbians#ugh#anyways#wish me luck guys
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my new job is going to be so much easier than my last one and the pay is wayy better but with how early i have to get up... i might die
#my shift doesnt start until 6:45am but its an hour drive give or take so im gonna be getting up no later than 4:30 to get ready and go#i am not a morning person..#im gonna have to drink so many energy drinks. its a good thing ill be working in a hospital cuz i Will strawberry monster myself to death#so since its a hospital they can just like. zap me back to life and ill be back to work. ez.#ghost.txt
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...
#i have to drive to the big city tomorrow morning... which is...#itll b fine. ive done it multiple times before so itll b fine#but also everytime i have to drive somewhere im a sobbing mess bc its so scary#and i space out which is terrifying so i have to sing and talk to myself the whole time so my brain doesnt drift too far#and i dont kno how long i have to b there or if ill b able to find parking...#i just hate is so much. literally its not a far trip. if we have a fucking working train system there would b a train between our two#universities and it would b like 30min. such fucking bullshit. that would b incredible. i would actually b able to go places#fuck the lack of public train transportation. its stupid.#at least i was busy all day. its crazy how much less terrible my day is when im in a semi empty lab working with algae#hopefully i didnt kill the culture bc i had to transfer immediately after making media. i think it cooled enough but well see#fuck. i dont wanna drive. i should sleep so im not more insane tomorrow#its crazy how distorted i get abt driving. i will convince myself that my car is gonna like fall apart while im driving#and that im absolutely going to have an accident caused by me. so i get up like ok this is where it all ends#in a smear across the highway#oh god i have to get gas tomorrow too#thry recommended i get there at 9 but maybe ill get there 8.30 and just like sit in my car crying for half an hour#lol i turn up to the lab with tear stained cheeks like hey sorry if it seemed like i was resistant to coming down here. im very unwell ✌️#bleh. lets not think abt it. dont think just do. and pray i dont have to fucking go multiple days#my reward for success is no spring break bc a stressful project will begin this weekend#but im not even sure i have spring break bc im a lab tech so i think mayne thats not a loss? idk i dont kno#when im supposed to b working or not. it doesnt matter. my tine sheets r a lie#time sheets :-P#unrelated
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