#'wanting to disturb me or something but i'm not actually bi'

[moonmoonthecrabking]

grace chasity reads both testaments

[undreaming-fanfiction]

I am massively busy with work and finalizing my Big Bang, but this idea just won't leave...

Steve and Eddie are both actors. They're in their mid thirties, well established, but they never starred together in anything. Steve tends to be cast in the same type, the dumb but pretty love interest, Eddie has lots of indie and disturbing movies under his belt. But this time, they both landed something big.

They get cast in the new Batman movie.

Steve is, of course, Batman. He insists on doing his own stunts. He refuses to get dehydrated for his shirtless scenes because he knows how damaging it is to both young men and women alike, he's not going to contribute to shitty expectations. The director (Dustin, duh!) sees something in him other directors never have - a potential for depth, for internal turmoil. He gives Steve the chance to prove himself as an actor and Steve pounces on it.

He's still very hot.

Eddie is cast as the Joker. He is a fan of the comics and scoffs at how absurd and deranged the character is becoming. He gets hired because he immediately says he doesn't think the character needs to rely on cheap tricks and shock value to be terrifying. Cutting off his face? Not cool. He suggests to play the Joker according to one of the older comics he has - one where the Joker is actually absolutely sane, but hides it to never be held accountable for his actions. The only person who ever saw through his ruse was Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Joker took care of that issue very quickly.

The chemistry between Steve and Eddie on screen is insane. They go toe to toe, it's impossible to look away when they interact. Eddie utilizes his bright smile to the maximum, tweaking it just right within moments so it becomes unsettling. The first time he laughs, Steve gets goosebumps.

Steve encompasses Bruce's loneliness so well Eddie's heart breaks for him. Dustin finds him in the trailer, giving himself gentle slaps over the face and muttering "you're evil, damn it, you don't want to comfort the Bat!!".

Batgirl (Robin) and Harley Quinn (Chrissy) find their slow descent into love hilarious. They all become good friends on the set.

Hopper, an acting veteran who plays Commissioner Gordon, grasps Steve's shoulder after an intense fight scene and mutters: "Good job, Steve, but maybe don't stare at his lips so much?"

Robin doesn't give him the same courtesy and once Dustin yells "Cut!", she screeches: "NOW KISS!"

The movie is a hit. People love the cast and the story, some of the OG fans complain as they always do, but the ratings are great, there are many interviews, panels, all of that.

And of course, there's gossip about Steve and Eddie being a thing, which enrages the macho Batman fanbase. Their Batman isn't gay!

But the rumors quickly disappear after an award ceremony where Eddie is nominated for the best supporting actor. He wins, of course. And as he gets up to accept the small statue and deliver a speech with enough "fuck"s to give the censor a headache, he drags Steve up and kisses him in front of the whole world.

A week later, Steve and Eddie are together in front of a camera again, answering questions in an interview.

The host asks: "What do you say to those fans that are disappointed, who say that their Batman isn't gay?"

Steve just snorts, pulls Eddie closer and answers: "They're right. Their Batman isn't gay. But he's definitely bi."

Also the comic story I'm mentioning exits and is short but fantastic. 10/10 recommend.

Oh also. The first spark happens when Steve sees Eddie's hair and blurts out: "Please tell me they're not making you cut it shorter. It's too gorgeous for that."

Also because people were asking about the comics - it's Batman Black and White - Case Study and it can be found on Tumblr HERE

[thedyingwriter]

somethings that i needed to get out regarding today's episode:

9-1-1 live airs in the US around 7 am Friday in my country and i get to watch it at 10:30 am on disney hotstar.

I couldn't wait so i was awake all night and was literally on twt since 6:30 am to get some clips.

that's where i find out that bucktommy break up.

i have been devastated all day. i have cried multiple times and i have literally lost count atp. it hurts like an actual breakup and i have absolutely no one irl to share this grief with.

the Abby being the ex-fiance wasn't even a major issue. i have been seen it done so well in so many fics.

Josh's speech was so beautiful and important but then to pull a breakup like that makes no fucking sense.

after what we saw in 8x5 breaking them made absolutely zero sense.

i was too overwhelmed so i tried to sleep and actually watched the entire episode around 11 am. I wanted to keep and open mind and analyse the episode.

twt is literally so toxic rn. I'm not even opening it.

after watching the entire episode i was even more confused as the breakup made zero sense.

we have had 8 seasons of character growth for buck, if they end up making him go back to casual relationships it just feels a complete wastage of 8 seasons of growth.

and from what we've seen in the past episodes the breakup was completely uncharacteristic to both buck and tommy.

it made no sense. why would tommy put so much effort if he knew it wouldn't last.

him constantly showing up for evan and talking about family just made zero sense for him to break up like that.

also it kinda felt weird to bring moving in together before saying i love yous.

and the way he said "the parking spot was too good to be true". this breakup doesn't feel good at all. he was obviously in pain and so was buck. this isn't doing any of them any good.

utter bullshit.

plus the "I'll see you around buck" broke me. like why the fuck would you do that to me and to buck.

it felt like someone put fucking alcohol all over a stab wound and then rubbed salt all over it.

LOW BLOW.

now coming to the post ep interviews which btw made it worse.

i was still under the impression that the way the breakup happened there was still hope for reconciliation because remember even tarlos went through breakups.

but then lou confirmed he might not be back and that this is it. specially that buck line. UGH.

and that #letbuckfuck interview with oliver really triggered me. I'm a bisexual woman and the reason i really loved buck's discovery of his sexuality was bcs Oliver was very determined in Givin a good bi rep.

but this doesn't feel that way. he could have said that he wants to see buck explore his sexuality more with both men and woman but the whole "girl, girl, guy. guy, girl, guy" montage was a very disturbing image.

it feels very stereotypical and biphobic.

it just hurts me so much. idk why i expected so much from a network tv show who has been queerbating for years.

i am gonna be watching this season just to see how they salvage buck's relationship and sexuality. it feels incomplete.

but if it goes in the buck 1.0 direction that's it for me.

i watch 911 as an escape from reality and if it goes so bad i am not continuing with the show.

it has already tested my limits and mental health enough.

also i need to point out that there are a lot of people who enjoy watching sports a lot more than they enjoy playing it. buck is a watcher. he would have loved seeing the Lakers match. just bcs he doesn't like to play doesn't mean he hates basketball.

a little extra side notes-

really excited for another buckley han kid. hope they don't ruin it. want to see how they deal with ppd this time.

also happy for eddie and really hoping he gets chris back soon.

ya'll need to understand how platonic friendship buddie is also so important rn then them getting together bcs eddie is def not ready to date.

if he starts dating he'll feel super guilty for putting his desire above chris all over again.

ALSO FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK- EDMUNDO DIAZ IS CANON STRAIGHT.

[tea-and-secrets]

I feel horrible about this, but it's escalated to a point where this issue could destroy my life if I don't find a way to stop doing it.

So, for some reason, I get these really intense, obsessive, really disturbing fascinations with people. There's no pattern to them, no specific personality type or anything that sets it off, and I have never had more than one or maybe two per year, although they don't usually last more than a few (3-5) months. They're NOT hyperfixations. I've been hyperfixated on people before. For me, it never lasts more than 2 months (usually FAR less) and is entirely platonic, not at all violent or distressing, and doesn't make me upset in any way. I've had hyperfixations and an obsession at the same time, once I had an obsession and hyperfixated on each of his main friends within a 3 month span rapid fire style.

These obsessive feelings are like. Needing to talk to them, intrusive thoughts about hurting them, wanting to find them IRL (even if they live states away), to show up where they are, to call them at ofd hours, constantly imagining a future together, and they're always very romantic/explicit in nature. They make me feel physically ill from how gross they are. They're like nonstop intrusive thoughts of a relationship, but with this intense desire to constantly act on them and a need to be around the person all the time. And not being close to the person makes the intrusive thoughts worse.

It has never happened with someone I have actual romantic attraction to, but it happens even if I don't know them in person or we never met IRL. Usually after they fade I feel ambivalent or cold or just vaguely normal about the person. So basically after a few months of agony it sorts out and I am free usually for 8-10 months. I've never dated someone I have an obsession with. I understand them enoughto know they wouldn't mimic intrusive thoughts if they were genuinely romantic feelings. Plus, they don't last. They always fade eventually and honestly, they seriously freak me out. I don't want to have murderous intrusive thoughts when someone doesn't pick up a Skype call. That's not my idea of romantic.

Usually, I just wait for these feelings to pass, or limit contact with the person, but this time. It's so much worse.

The person is my friend, and way too young for me. He's not a minor, he's just to young for me (4 years younger, its my personal thing). He's taken, not my type, and I've always seen him as a pesky younger brother of sorts, so I never even considered this would happen. Having these feelings about him makes me feel violently ill. I've tried ignoring him and pushing him away until they stopped, but he noticed and I feel guilty punishing him for a problem that's only in my head. It isn't his fault there's something wrong with me. But I dont know what to do. If I told him about it, I'm worried he might think I like him (I don't think I do, I know how my obsessions are and it isn't love) and based on comments he's made, I'm worried he might actually try to rope me into a polycule or shoot his shot with me. Neither of those would be good places for my mental state.

I also really don't want our other friends to hear about this because I have a crush on one friend who's way older than me (we're both adults but we would NOT have gone to high school together ha ha) and I still want to hold out hope that in a few years she might see me as a viable partner (a bi can dream...) which would be jeopardized if she knew I'm basically a freak of nature.

So I need to figure out how to fix this part of me, FAST. I can't keep doing this and I'm scared things will fall apart or I'll lose it trying to fix this but I'm scared of losing everything.

I wish I could just have been born normal but I wasn't and now I have to fix it. It doesn't feel fair, and I hate it, but I want to be normal and not have to deal with this anymore. I want to just be okay, and I don't know how. I just know that normal people don't do this and this scares me. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to be like this, and I don't know how to fix it, so I just suffered in silence for years. And now I have to fix it and don't know where to start. I just needed to tell someone about it.

.

[lover-of-mine]

i'm fine with the bt scene being what it was because it showed what is. a shallow superficial relationship that is not being written as endgame so I'm fine with them not having a more emotional connection make it more obvious its BONES in s8.

Okay, I'm gonna say this and I need everyone to know I genuinely mean it, I'm not fine with it. I am tired of the show giving Buck and Eddie love interests that exist to have no agency besides girlfriend/boyfriend or plot device for an exposition dump. I desperately wanted to care about bt. Buck being bi is such incredible representation and I spent the whole season waiting to be convinced I should like T and bt together for anything beyond the fact that they are a queer relationship but I keep coming up empty-handed. I like being a hater right now because no criticism of him is allowed without someone screaming that you're homophobic or hate gay people and that everyone in the show is problematic why doesn't he get a pass too so I am grabbing on to every wrong thing about him the same way people are blowing the good things to justify my aversion to him. But the thing is, T is a character who's being written in a way that is so hard to sympathize with when it comes to Buck. He has this shell that makes him rigid and he has this dry sense of humor and he could be interesting if he was willing to bend a little bit for Buck. That relationship was not something I could get behind when T left Buck on the curb, because while I do believe T was incredibly justified in not liking the situation Buck put them in, he could've communicated that better before he was literally in the car leaving Buck behind, so there Buck was once again in a relationship with someone who left him because they can't handle who he is. That was the impression I got from that first date and I keep waiting for them to be cute for me to move past it and the show is giving me nothing. Why did they make the choice to not let T dress up for the bachelor party and indulge Buck when the job by definition requires for him to change into a uniform so he could've put in some effort? Why did he let Buck walk around with his face covered in soot when they could've shown us a shot of him cleaning Buck's face before they walked into the room holding hands and give the impression that there's more going on there than a few makeout sessions? Why weren't they affectionate at the ceremony? Why wasn't that conversation in the hospital, where it would've shown a level of care and that joke could've been seen as an attempt to make Buck feel better about what was going on? Why are they always two steps to the left of being cute or having any fighting chance? And that's ignoring how intertwined Eddie is with the beginning of their relationship because that's just disturbing. The triangle thing is annoying as fuck if Eddie was not gonna get confirmed as queer and the sides wouldn't actually connect.

I think narratively Buck and Eddie getting together is the thing that makes the most sense for both of their characters, but if that's not gonna happen, I wanna care about the people they're with. I love Buck as a character, I want him to have a nice love story if for whatever reason we are not getting buddie because love is the thing he's been searching for, and whatever bt has going is not it. And the thing that's killing me is that it could be. It's the same thing they did with Taylor because if Taylor was as intense about Buck as she is about the job, they could work, but the show made a choice to use the development of her character to stir away from Buck. And T, he's just there. And it's frustrating. I don't even wanna get into the comparisons between buddie and bt because imma be honest I'm still processing the way the show had T refusing to dress on theme and then had Eddie suggest matching outfits in the next scene, what even was that?? But the way the show constantly takes the chances they have to give depth to their relationship, looks it in the eye, and runs the other direction it's just........... yk? This is Buck's fifth relationship and I can't for the life of me look at it and see where it's going because they are making it seem like it's going nowhere. T parallels Taylor all the time visually, when it comes to screentime he's just a step above Ali, he's nowhere near as developed as Taylor was at this point. I had hopes for that scene when they started to talk about parents, for 20 seconds, I believed they were gonna give emotional depth to them, but they didn't. And I was literally sitting here begging them to give me something to care about when it comes to them if they are gonna keep them together but I have nothing to show for it and I hate it. There's no emotional connection, they will probably breakup at some point during s8 and I'm just gonna be there "oh wow another failed romance what a surprise" while they keep playing up Buck and Eddie's partnership and not letting them go all the way, and it's just tiring.

And this is ignoring the way we keep getting yelled at for not resonating with them. I sincerely don't want to hate them but I can't find a reason to care about them.

[astrangeraccoon]

Tmagp first listen : ep 18!

Finally up to date

Teddy! Why was he trying to ignore Alice?

He sounds very tired and like colder? Than we ve seen him before

Okay this whole conversation make me think one of my theory about leaving this work being more complicated than we think is correct

The audio scratch when he says maybe, he has nooooo intentions of contacting her

"In a hot way" Alice your bi is showing (also not at all projecting with that "obsessions w sam" comment

Pretty sure the audio scratchs again when he says he ll text her back, but why doesn't he want to do that? Like they clearly were friends what is blocking him?

Sam is so akward in lena s presence and I feel that so much, like same my guy same

Oh I hope Jack's okay, but I feel like Sam shouldn't have given his name to lena

"I hope you enjoyed our talks" yeaaah I'm suuuure he did

Ooooh it's an Augustus case! Grandpa is back

Oooh this one is very very recent like happened less than 2 weeks ago recent

"I hope she stays silent" who? The corpse?

Yes the corspe

That s our second talking corpse

À house equivalent of the spiral corridor w bonus spider?

"fog and smoldering yellow" lonely and corruption y/n

That one is kinda confusing me ngl

I appreciate Sam immediately warning Alice about it

I respect Alice decision to refuse to touch all that W a ten foot bar BUT I don't think that s gonna work

Alice is asking the right questions honnestly

This is just the latest flavor of awfull

You have no idea how right you are Alice

"if there's one thing I noticed [...] is that it's curiosity that get you killed" that explain so much of Alice behavior actually (wish Sam would follow her footsteps)

Oooh lena and Gwen are angry again

Alice please stop being an asshole for 5 second

Gwen is opening up!

Shit gwn s just broke my heart here. I have tears in my eyes she sounds so broken up

I'll go into Sam reaction in another post but the guy really accidentally went right into her trauma

Alice ignoring anything and everything supernatural... I approve of the technic but I hope she ll stop doing that before it get her or any of them killed...

Georgie!!!!! She s here!!!

"who keeps taking Georgie s face" ISTG if this is foreshadowing I'm gonna throw hand

Is it me or was there definitely a audio distortion when celia says "she s been all over town to find somewhere in stock"? That's feel like a weird thing to lie about, also which part was a lie?

The way the more she s lying the bigger the audio disturbance is...

"you don't need to lie to me" Georgie what do you know?

Oooh that s paranoia about being spied on by the government, soooo she can feel fear? She definitely can

Oh celia was lying bc she slept walk/teleported again!

Oh that episode was something there's so many interesting point!

[itisin]

Call me by your name

Okay, so, hate me for this if you will, but this one post isn't about miraculous ladybug, for a change, it's about a very very different and unrelated story- Call me by you name. So, 2 days ago, I wanted to watch a movie and I googled 'teen movies to watch', or something like that, and just picked the first movie I found and went ahead and watched it. It was this- 'call me by your name'. It be noted that I knew absolutely nothing about the movie, I hadn't even seen the complete trailer. While watching, I had a very rare experience- I just couldn't decide whether I loved it or hated it, but I couldn't stop. It was spellbinding. This movie had some VERY VERY sexually explicit scenes, and for those of you who don't know, I'm bi-ace, which means I wasn't drawn to THAT whole vibe of it. Now, I see this movie, and it is past my bedtime, and as soon as I shut my laptop down, I know I'm not going to fall asleep tonight, and that isn't usual for me, I can sleep through anything, but not this time. I still can't figure out whether I liked the movie or not. There was one thing I was sure of though, the story was lacking a bit of, like, personalization. I was obsessing over the movie (this wasn't usual for me either, I don't normally obsess like this over anything) so, I thought that this lack could have been because it was set in the 1980s or something, and also it followed a similar style to give a feel of that time. So, you know how movies would follow kind of close-up of the characters in each scene, different angles- to really get the audience into their skins. I thought maybe that helps us as the audience understand the emotions, somehow; I thought it needed some kind of background narration to make some things clear.

Then the next day too, I was overly obsessing over the movie, and SCOLDING myself for it, cause, its exam time and I'm very stressed about it; I needed to study. Just couldn't focus. So I start bargaining with myself and decide to read a little explanation of some lines from the movie, which are supposed to be like, the trademark of the story, they were "Call me by your name and I'll call you by mine". I just needed to know the emotion, the meaning behind it. I found some explanations and they were all quoting the main character, and I was sure he hadn't said any of those lines. Then it hit me, the movie was an adaptation of a book. Now, after reading that one-sentence explanation I knew the book was from the main character's point of view and, after reading a few more quotes, I was convinced I NEED TO read the book, just so as to understand the movie through the emotions behind. BUT, to read it AFTER the exams cause I had like, 5 days for my exams to begin and I DO NOT have sufficient breaks in between of exams. Couldn't resist, begin reading by the night with an obviously unreal expectation to finish the book by the night itself. Doesn't happen, finished the book next day by 4:30 pm. Now, THIS, has never happened before, NEVER in my whole life. I'm a person who needs a whole year to finish a single book and I read it in a single day.

Now, THE BOOK, sigh THE BOOK, it was everything I expected. All the scenes that remained unclear were now clear, and the movie was actually a decent adaptation of the book, even though, there were a few scenes different in the movie that the book and vica-versa. The book, however, was FAAAR MORE SEXUALLY EXPLICIT than the movie, not my cup of tea, like AT ALL. And some of the scenes were like, not only sexual, but like, almost disturbing. Still, STILL, I was obsessed with the story even more now, just couldn't figure out why. It was like, I'm understanding something that I'll never feel and don't even want to feel, but it is still beautiful. Most importantly, the narration, the words! Aaaah! Amazingly written, one thing I could actually make out. I heard a person in one video say, the words that are used were MADE to be used in this book. He wasn't really exaggerating. Still, one thing I STILL don't know, do I like the story or not, I just don't know. Now, I do think I like it, why else would I be obsessed with it. Now a new question, Why? Idk, I'm hitting my head on the wall over this and am unable to distract myself from this trough any means, and, as it turns out, most people on the internet are saying that they too, were obsessed with it when they saw/read it- though they were clear that they loved the story. I just, don't know, and because I was obsessing over it nevertheless, I came here, my safe haven; to handle my thoughts, thinking that if I untangle my string of thought at once, it will help me focus on studies, cause I really need that, But, I'm still here, with the theme song 'mysteries of love' ringing in my ears like a broken record. (helppp me T_T T_T )

[bumblingbabooshka]

hi it's me coming back with my bi-monthly little guy bullshit. rewatched meld with the besties for the yaoi of it all and was sitting there like there's something really funny (negative to neutral connotation) about (some) of the other maquis members being interviewed about suder in the ep & b'elanna being like "yeah he was just some guy ig we all did what we had to do lol" and chakotay being like "he was a fucking freak animal. unsettling little thing" . MEAN TO HIM?

I don't perceive Chakotay as being unfairly cruel in his talking about Suder? Chakotay isn't a violent person and though being in the Maquis required violence he didn't relish in it so he viewed Suder's (admitted) bloodlust to be disturbing. To Chakotay, fighting and killing was necessary but not something he wanted to do - very different from Suder who seems to not really care about the Maquis' mission (He only references the Maquis to call Tuvok a traitor and say he doesn't like Starfleet, giving me the impression that he joined just to be in an environment where violence could be used without it standing out rather than actually caring about the Maquis' mission). If anything Chakotay is demonstrating an interesting perceptiveness and willingness to extend olive branches to those he doesn't necessarily like/agree with in this moment. B'Elanna seems to have noticed (or been told of) Suder's penchant for violence, saying "He did what he had to do a little too well." but Chakotay has obviously had multiple personal moments with Suder where he encountered Suder's bloodlust firsthand. He states that these encounters (multiple) scared him and made him think of Suder as a potentially dangerous individual. Despite this, he still neglects to put this on Suder's record because he doesn't want to cause unnecessary hardship for Suder or any member of his crew which he already knows will likely be looked down on and distrusted by the Starfleet members of Voyager as "a bunch of criminals". It could be argued that his encounters with Suder constitute more than a "bad feeling" as it seems he saw evidence of the man being excessively violent and felt threatened himself but Chakotay still hesitates to label Suder as a bad or dangerous person in his crew evaluations. That's interesting! I don't feel that's something any other character on VOY would have done! It also feeds into something I wish was highlighted more about Chakotay which is his willingness to give people who he doesn't like or agree with second chances. He seems like he'd be the most able on the command team to sympathize with people who others dismiss as lost causes or 'bad' and I wonder if part of that comes from his father who never gave up on him even when Chakotay continually pushed him away. It reminds me of how he was willing to lay down his life for that Kazon kid even though he was rude and tried to kill him and Chakotay obviously didn't agree with his values - and that doesn't mean Chakotay is a pushover or naive, just willing to give people chances. Even his friendship with Janeway is something that's only possible because he's willing to listen to others and try to see things from their point of view. Janeway is able to do this to a Starfleet extent but you can bet that if she, say, ended up on a Maquis ship - she wouldn't be integrating herself into that crew's way of thinking. She'd be trying to get them onto her side because she's a person who thinks (sometimes implicitly) that she is Correct. She's much more 'aggressive' or black-and-white in her morality than Chakotay. Which again doesn't mean that Chakotay doesn't stand for anything or is wholly passive (he does and isn't, as we see in episodes like Maneuvers) but that he's just more open-minded and not as certain that he has all the answers. Anyway! I hope this was a good response. I'm sorry if you were making a joke and I responded too earnestly to it - that happens sometimes v_v

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[1yyyyyy1]

What's your alter ego like, actually? How did you come to create her? I get that this could be a bit personal so share anything that you think is "safe" to share, ofc. I want to get some inspiration, having an alter ego - one developed enough to even have her own distinct appearance - is really tempting, not gonna lie ;D

Putting this under the cut for those who want to read this:

One of my favorite ways of experiencing fiction are self-inserts; this is the main thing I do to explore the topics I'm not comfortable being public about, like psychology and violence. Self-inserts are different from writing an original character in an original universe because it is, plainly put, too much work if the goal is to focus on self-exploration. I use already existing universes and the characters in them to bounce off the ideas I have through, for the most part, dialogue, but I take note of the environments I put characters in as well. Since I both write and draw, I can fully focus on my perceptions of the original piece and the additions I make as opposed to commissioning someone else. The drawing I posted is a character I created many, many months ago before I had a solid idea of what I was doing and what the character meant to me.

To give this a backstory, I have always been into character design and I have always strongly identified with the fictional characters I liked. However, as I grew older, I felt less and less represented by other people's characters because there would always be a conflicting trait I was unsatisfied with. Knowing that only I could give myself proper representation, I started investing more of my time into my original work. I was drawn to a specific character type at the time, and one of my biggest motivations for improvement was wanting to come up with a design similar to this:

I didn't know what this original character was going to be at first, but would eventually decide on her being an "[insert fandom name] OC". She was a villain and the first one I've ever written, and at the time I had a very narrow view of what her appearance should be like. My logic was that if she had disturbing qualities, then she should look that way too since that was what some other artists did with their characters! Me thinking I "should" be creating such a personal design based on something other than me liking it should have been a red flag, but more on that later…

I have an unfinished story with her where I would write her interactions as perceived by other characters. Eventually, I figured out it wasn't a "character" I was writing, it was me trying on different traits and imagining myself in different scenarios (and observing them from the outside perspective) to try and understand what I was and was not comfortable with. Weirdly enough, even though I had spent a lot of time on her appearance and was in general satisfied with it, it was also the thing that bothered me the most. I liked her design, and I liked drawing her, but I always felt weird about utilizing her as a placeholder for myself and could never tell why. I have kind of been moving away from rationalizing everything, so I'm just going to straight up say what I see when I look at that drawing nowadays — I don't know why it didn't occur to me that one's personality could differ from their fashion preferences. I was fine with some of her overbearing traits, yes, but I couldn't get behind her intimidating looks or even associating them with something sinister in the first place! It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I was limiting my perceptions of other people and my personal expression to cultural standards (think flowers — kind, dark colors — evil). Preconditions like that are not an inherently bad thing to pick up on since you can try them out and either discard them or recombine into something you like, but it turns into a problem when they take over the creative decision like it did for me. Developing this character allowed me to resolve the "visual biases" I had that stunted my creative process, and I have since moved away from such a rigid approach to character design or even my own fashion sense. In a way, she's an incomplete version of me, so I don't identify with this character very much anymore.

If alter egos are something you already feel like doing, I suggest going for it. It was certainly the most comprehensive thing I've done to better my understanding of myself.

[valeriianz]

About Me Books

Rules: 10 (non-ancient) books for people to get to know you better, or that you just really like. (what classifies as "non-ancient"? lol)

tagged by @mathomhouse-e @academicblorbo and @seiya-starsniper

ahhh i'm not as big into reading as i used to be :') not sure if i can find 10 books to define me... but i'll try my best. here's a list of books that made me sit down for a while and/or yell about online...

Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. anyone looking to get a little insight to the restaurant industry from the POV of a chef, this is the book for you. it's gritty and real and all narrated by Bourdain's dry, dirty, and dark humor. it's an easy read and for someone like me (who can't really stand kitchen TV shows or movies because that's the life i live) it is actually palatable and i really liked it.

We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman. i only recently read this book last year and it blew me away. it is everything i want in a character story. it follows a young, bi woman, who's an up and coming play writer in NYC. she had done something so terrible she ran away to California to squat on an old friend's couch. while she's there, she meets with a woman who's shooting a documentary and while the protag gets involved and helps out, she realizes that it's... not a good situation. all the while hints are dropped about what she did in New York and-- its very relatable to me personally: running away from your problems, thinking if you bury it and dont talk about it, it will go away. distracting yourself into something else but it digs up old ghosts and forces you to make an uncomfortable decision... but its ultimately good for your growth and maturity. it's a fantastic read if you like character stories.

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. read this book February last year and once i was finished, immediately fell into the deep, dark hole that was Greek Mythology (i never was properly taught about the myths. i was assigned the Iliad to read for my English minor, but had just skimmed it like the lazy 20-year old college student i was). and throughout 2022 (up until October when i watched The Sandman) Greek Mythology was my entire personality. and while this book takes A LOT of creative liberties (esp with Patroclus, dear god) i still love it to death. it's gorgeous and so poetically written.

Unwind by Neal Shusterman. we've come into the first (and only) YA novel on the list lol. i haven't reread this in probably a decade, so i'm not sure if it still holds up. but if you like dystopian stories, boy howdy do i got a fucking unique one for you. i found a really good article about it that starts with a perfect summary: "...follows three teens on the run from a government that believes “unwinding,” or body harvesting, is an alternate solution to abortions and unwanted teens... Although controversial in topic, this disturbing novel inspires deep thought about organ donation, abortion, and one’s personal right to make decisions regarding his or her body." it's so captivating that i had started writing a short film screenplay for it in college (that of course i never finished). i read this when it first came out in 2007 and i still own my original copy.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. oof. so, this is one of those books that one read through was good enough for me, but it left me with such an emotional impact that i just had to own my own copy of it. if you dont know the book, it's a character story about guilt and redemption. it's set in 1970s Afghanistan and then again about 20 years later under Taliban rule. it's extremely hard to read (not just because of the subject matter, but it's also... incredibly dry). it starts off SO strong, falls in the middle (enough that i almost gave up) but then shoots off like a bullet during the last quarter of the novel. it's. phenomenal. heartbreaking and empowering and just such a good and believable story. (also the film adaption was done very well!)

From Here to Eternity by Caitlin Doughty. just gonna start this one off by recommending all of Caitlin's books. this is her second and it covers Caitlin's relentless pursuit of encouraging "death positivity" by traveling the world to discover how other cultures besides our own, care for their dead. Doughty is a mortician (she also has a fantastic Youtube channel where she does mini documentaries and video essays on death and the macabre) and her writing is filled to the brim with respect, tenderness, and endless curiosity. i love her and share her beliefs.

The Martian by Andy Weir. i'm not much into the adventure genre or sci-fi... but this one took me by genuine surprise. the narrator is so dry and funny, despite his horrifying situation of being stranded on Mars. we work through his attempts at staying alive together, painstaking as it is, while also catching glimpses of what NASA is doing back on earth about the situation. it's soooo cool and fun (and the climax is fucking amazing. i knew the film could never pull it off but boy was i still disappointed in how the film handled it lol).

Lord of the Flies by William Golding. read this guy in high school and it's just always stuck with me. something something man's inherent evil. how even the most sophisticated and promising of us can be reduced to our base instincts in dire situations. how it's not always an adventure, there are real stakes and consequences and... it's just so sad and terrible, almost comically so. as a teenage loner who was horrifically bullied all through middle and high school, this book was my fucking staple. i wore out that paperback.

Circe by Madeline Miller. oh it's another M.M. book lol. listen, Miller owns my entire ass at this point (im so excited for her Persephone book omg) i didn't get around to reading this until i'd finished a ton of Greek myths podcasts and reading The Odyssey so i felt a little more prepared going into it. i love Circe in this book, i love that she's not perfect and has literally hundreds and hundreds of years to fuck up and get better, grow into who she wants to be as a witch and as a woman. going through classic stories through her perspective is also a lot of fun, and my man Odysseus is there for a good chunk of it.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. a book about adventure, self discovery, learning what it means to be free and to govern yourself. being unafraid to be rootless while in search of your Personal Legend. this book reached into my brain and massaged it. if you couldn't tell by now, i'm obsessed with character stories. i am a vagabond in my real life and i can not settle down. this book was written for me lol i enjoyed every word. (it has Islamic/Christian undertones but it's not in your face, which would have been a major turn off otherwise). i listened to the audiobook version of this narrated by one of my favorite actors, Jeremy Irons *chefs kiss*

this took an incredibly long time, but it was a good way to spend my morning, rifling through my bookshelf while sipping coffee haha. and oh god, here we go being unsure who to tag: @tj-dragonblade @scifrey @issylra @hardly-an-escape @teejaystumbles @virgo-dream @watercubebee

[hard--headed--woman]

hello! i'm so sorry if i'm disturbing you. i'm very new in radfem spaces so i don't know many people to talk to. i'm bi, my circle is very pro trans anti terf and so was i (..i guess). but i never really understood how you can just feel like a woman. i'm afab and yes i'm a woman but i never felt like a woman i just am?? then your post that starts with "of course many women are going to identify as nonbinary..." and something clicked in my brain thank you. literally everything i felt but couldn't put into words.

hey anon, you're not disturbing me at all, i am really glad you sent me this ask! i totally get what you mean. it was like that for me too. it's actually one of the very first things that made me peak ; what did it mean to FEEL like a woman ? womanhood isn’t a feeling, i am a woman because... i am one. just like i have brown eyes and black hair. that's all. that's how i started to question gender ideology.

i am very happy that you liked my post and that it helped you in a way. if you want to talk to someone, about radical feminism or something else, i am here !

[unholycarnival]

🎇 || NEW PINED

👾WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT ME?👾:

Hello! My name's ZIP but ya can also refer to me as: Jenny/Masacrik/Mackintosh or Martin if you prefer a less funky name! (Boooooring LOL).

I'm a 21 y.o (xochimilca mestizo) mexican digital/traditional/mixed media artist!🎨

★ I'm part of a system, & we have other things going on I prefer to maintain somewhat privately, might mention briefly.

★ Also queer, Transmasc enby + Aroace bi! Pronouns are: He/Them (and or) It/Jokes!

★MULTIFANDOM! Main ones right now are: gravity falls, the walten files, the boys, batman and other few I cannot remember rn!.

★ I Can speak mainly Spanish, English & Náhuatl, i'm also learning Russian, japanese & latin! On the way learning more!

⚠️CONTENT WARNINGS:

I generally don't label my content as for tws or cws (only do when it's something like flash warnings/when I deem something is actually REALLY gory/disturbing) so there's a few things to keep in mind abt my content, it could (very likely will have):

GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE:

General explicit drawn gore and foul shit.

HARDCORE BODY HORROR & HORROR:

Also includes but not limited to: physical or psychological torture, loss of control over oneself's body, deformation onto grotesque abominations, eldritch horrors, lovecraftian horrors, explicit represented murder imagery, psychological horror etc.

UNREALITY/DEPERSONALIZATION:

Since it is a very common thing I've experienced I often tend to explore it on characters I like and such, this also includes representations of delusions etc.

GENERAL DARK/HEAVY THEMES:

Death and all it's possible variants including suicide, loss, religion, abuse, general mental illness stuff (on my works or in general talks w people abt stuff) etc.

GROSS STUFF (JUST IN VERY SPECIFIC PIECES THO):

Like vomit...tbf I think it will just be vomit, the guts and blood it's already covered by the two first sections LMAO.

SPOOKY EYES AND TEETH LOL:

It should be obvious that it is included in the first two sections but I felt the need to put it in its own category. Love 2 draw em.

FLASHING &/OR EYESTRAINING IMAGERY:

Sometimes my artworks have that, although as stated on the start, I tend to tag that one. I don't want anyone 2 suffer a seizure & end in the hospital bcs of me.

SLIGHTLY SUGGESTIVE? (VEEEEERY UNLIKELY BUT EH):

It's more like some freaky subtexts in some future ideas I have. I could be through dialog or directly through insinuation if represented. Nothing explicit tho!.

And that'll be all for now in this section me thinks!.

☠️ DON'T FUCKING INTERACT IF YOU'RE!...:

GENERAL BIGOT.

A PROSHIPER/PROFIC ANTI-ANTI, GTFO.

A MAP, ZOO OR WHATEVER OTHER HARMFUL PARAPHILIA FREAK.

BELIEVES IN CRINGE CULTURE (LOL).

T*ERF, TR*SCUM OR ANY WEIRD SHIT

Well pretty much any weird freak in the not positive sense of the word.

[humanstone]

man, being a bi boy sometimes tires me out. like, I'm too gay for girls, but no boy wants me either because they're all looking at girls, and then I get in the middle of it and I never get to like anyone romantically, because my mind guards against these platonic loves. it's like: "John, you can't like him. You can't fall in love with him. Of course he'd never look at you like that". but why? why can't he look at me like that? because society teaches us that we can't? that it's not right? who cares? we're all going to die and end up in the same place, and yet, I just wanted him to at least look at me. and he does, but that's all. but I wanted him to really see me. we just stare at each other, and we don't get out of it. I just wanted him to pick on me, to be interested in my loose looks, to notice something good about me, to feel good around me, to want to be around me. and this may seem like it's about me, but it's actually about him: my clone who looks nothing like me. he's handsome, strong, very masculine, plays sports and is nice all the time. I wanted him, but what I have is a strong, basic white boy disturbing me every day, calling me by my mother's name. it's horrible. i hope my life is just a season of heartstopper, in which everything turns out okay in the end

[biromanticwritergal]

I was going to leave this in the tags of a repost but I decided that this should probably be it's own post. It was jokingly referring to bad bisexual representation and not jokingly that is me. I won't repost the post because it's not really the point of what I'm going to say and I don't want to annoy the original poster with my comments.

People seem to assume bisexuals are always poly and we're not. I hate the whole unicorn hunting trend on dating sites. It gives me major ick.

I have had some issues in dealing with my own sexuality that I don't extend to other people (some of it is probably due to my having bipolar and how I cope with it). Bipolar disorder can seriously fuck with your perceptions of everything so it does not help. Neither did the random waves of hypersexuality that I used to experience (haven't in a long time fortunately!).

This is probably going to sound crazy but I'm not comfortable with my own attraction to men. I hate the power imbalance if I'm being honest. I'm much less disturbed by my attraction to other women. I thought for a while, especially after reading about comp het and lesbian experiences that I might have been late in life lesbian (if 29 is late?). Some of their stories really resonated with me so I thought maybe that I was a lesbian too.

But I found out I'm not because I realized I'd still date men. I found a guy on one of the lgbt dating sites I was using. It didn't last but I knew then I couldn't be a lesbian if I'd still date a man. So I am bisexual. I don't really like that because it feels as if some people might try to victimize me because of my bisexuality. It feels like a vulnerability rather than a strength but maybe I just need time to get over that feeling. (I have more to say on this but I'll save it for later if I'm ever going to post on this again at all).

I want to be clear that I never wanted to ever identify as both a lesbian and a bisexual woman at the same time because that's both impossible and would damage both communities. I see a lot of 'bi lesbian' nonsense these days and it's very disconcerting behavior.

Lesbians have never been interested in men and do not have any attraction towards them. Bisexuals like both men and women. Bisexual women and lesbians are both Sapphic- meaning we both are attracted to other women. I just feel like labels actually mean something and it's disrespectful to try to act like words don't have any meaning.

I support lesbians and bisexuals. I also have personal issues with my own sexuality but I support other people trying to find themselves. Questioning is also a valid identity. It sometimes takes time to learn who you really are.

[wild-wombytch]

Ok, I was only about to leave tag but this actually makes me furious. Sorry, it's gonna be messy, but I'm fuming, I need to vent : First of all, this is exhibitionism and sexual violence against a child.

Secondly this man should have a court order banning him from approaching or adopting children forever. Because what in the holy fuck?

Thirdly WHO THE FUCK these utter imbeciles think will suffer from all of this woke misogyny and child abuse? WHO THE FUCK is going to be called a pervert and beaten down in the streets for being gnc? For going to our own toilets when kids are there? These bourgeois glittery Parisian men in their wealthy Parisian houses and calling each other cunty bitches for laughs while drinking 34€ bubble teas au Marais?

No, no, it's going to be my friends. Me. Everyone who isn't as privileged as they are. That's what the trans cult has done. Call me an evil TERF all you want, but I haven't given food for homophobia and gnc hate like these people have.

Y'all gendie still think that's subversive and cool? You bunch of morons. You falsely accuse "terves" of being alt right, but nothing recruit more people to the alt-right and fascism than shits like that, because sane people actually want to protect kids and don't want balls shoved to their faces on TV in something related to sports. Y'all are going to get us killed after the next presidential election. Killed. Like, legit, we had 3 homophobic attacks hurled at us since the month of May this year already with my friend. He's not even gnc. Just a bi dude sometimes wearing colorful shirts and jewels. I'm not talking about ambiguous words and confusion that could be read as maybe homophobia. I'm talking about being alone in a 1v4 ratio with people calling us the French equivalent dyke and fag and trannies and perverts. Of teens barking at us and calling us fags. Of homophobic white supremacists (literally having said "white man, proud man" among a gazillion of more disturbing shits.) forcibly intruding in our tent, shaking it, dismantling it and yelling threats while we were in (calling my mom a hag and a cunt as well), utterly sleep deprived by their relentless assaults and the stress. The kind of attacks where you are totally powerless because there's like. twenty of these people, and if you break their teeth, they'll break your skull on the asphalt, near your loved ones. If you report them you're a woke crybaby and nobody will do anything, because they silently support the ideas of these raging hateful people. If you go to LGBTQalphabet associations, they'll help homophobes bash my skull open for not liking dicks. The right wants us in jail for being gay and the left wants to jail us with male rapists. We're abandoned by everyone.

I doubt any of the gendie cretins have ever felt the shame of clenching your teeth and just have to walk quickly because there's no way in hell you can punch your way through this one.

I faced classic homophobia a lot. Reaching its peak when I got bashed and called a dyke and bullied at school when I was 10-something. But even then I didn't feel the sheer terror I felt during the recent homophobic attacks. And such things didn't happen that often before. It was maybe once a year and it was really minor. After each of these events, I have lacked sleep and felt restless for day. Especially the one in the tent, I was on constant vigilance and didn't even pay attention to the actual event we were there for, only looking around constantly to find the orange bob of one of the homophobes of the group, focusing on the every movement of the group and what they were about to do.

The same people, who shook our tent asked me if I was a lad or a lass and how I fucked because I'm a woman with short hair, and thanks to the trans cult, it's now apparently equal to be an unthinkable anomaly in the blessed year of 2024, because if you're a guy with long hair or a gal with short hair, you're now an egg that needs intrusive surgery to avoid a being victim of an utterly made-up genocide.

Some people came to reason with the homophobic white supremacists at some point, in an attempt to politely have them stfu. And it fell completely flat, because they ended up agreeing with them because of woke gender politics and censorship/cancelling and typically the bullshit you've seen all over this Olympics. I knew it wouldn't do anything to talk with a bunch of Nazlings anyways, but do you know how freaking isolating it feels when you're the only person to say something. Anything. And your last flicker of hope to have support dies out because of misogynistic men and predators being flashed as oppressed and as uwu women uwu who need to get to violate female spaces in the name of invlusivity and read books to kids in bdsm/misogynistic gears? Alone. Completely alone. While in the same day, there is a concert with music bands waving the new gendie flag on scene? They sing antifa songs, they applaud a lesbian singer, and then they are totally okay with people assaulting you and calling you a fag and a man for having a buzzcut and body hair? At this point, the trans movement feeds homophobic terrorism.

Idgaf anymore. Gender politics also radicalized me. You win, I'm saying it : I hate you all for that. I will never forgive the trans movement. I will never forgive what you've done to lesbians, gay men and bisexuals. To women. To children. To the left. You destroyed the fucking left and with it the needed socialist reforms and protection minorities needed for fucking clout. You sold your soul to pink washing and lobbying. You destroyed the lives of many young people transitioning and regretting it, having lingering health issues.

You can't even think for yourselves. Like, fuck you a thousand times. When France becomes Russia or Nigeria about gay rights, we'll cheer to y'all preaching tolerance while asking me on anon to immolate myself for being homosexual (but make it woke with trans flags). Y'all are spoiled, privileged homophobic brats. Putting glitters and makeup, and virtue signalling and ACAB-trantifa aesthetic on it won't change it. We're not siblings. We're not pals. We're not a community. You all are degenerates leeching on the LGB and women, making us take the brunt of hate and being associated with your depravity and crimes. Even your shitty flag shows that, with the trans and brown bands cutting through our beautiful rainbow, the black and brown bands pushed in the front line by the trans ones. You mutilated us and made the most vulnerable of us suffer, and it's just the beginning.

So . . . . France opened the Olympics -- games meant for all nations and beliefs -- with this. Which includes a child.

I'd felt sorry for Paris because of the railway attacks. But now my feeling toward Paris and France is

I feel sorry for the participants who don't want this representing them.

I hope this shit has the lowest ratings the Olympics has ever had.