#'im gonna go explore but i only trust myself to keep you safe so you gotta come with me' kinda logic

[bugsbiann]

forgot ta post this one. collei amber sibs because i love found family

[crookednachogalaxy]

HI so im just gonna throw out a random idea and see if it sticks, cause i have Thoughts once again and i refuse to keep them to myself.

(also, this is long as hell, you have been warned.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

give me Mario and Luigi as a broken family. from the outside in they look almost perfect, the wacky brother duo who could do it all from princess saving to ghost hunting to plumbing.

Mario is the older brother, by 8 or so years, the extraverted and energetic hero who is always ready to go save the princess or lend a helping hand. he's the one who's got every situation under control, his confidence and happy demeanor bringing smiles to every toad around.

his younger brother Luigi, on the other hand, seems much more like an introverted homebody than anything else. he's the one staying behind when Mario goes on his big missions, helping to rebuild the Mushroom Kingdom after each kidnapping. he's the one doing most of the actual plumbing, his anxious and quiet personality keeping him distant from everyone. despite that, he's successfully faced off King Boo three separate times.

behind the outside facade, however, things aren't as shiny between the brothers as they may seem.

their upbringing in Brooklyn was rough. they spent most of their younger years homeless, and given their age gap, it was Mario who had to provide for Luigi in any way he could. that meant stealing food to eat, but also fighting those that wanted to harm them - and Luigi's trusting nature made it a common occurrence. it's due to this that Mario was forced to control both his and Luigi's life to the fullest, and this behaviour, born out of fear for their very lives, became so engrained in him that he never let it go even when they were finally safe after being transported to the mushroom kingdom.

for Luigi, this complete control from Mario meant that he was never really able to develop his own personality. he never went anywhere without Mario, never did anything without Mario; and while his brother liked to believe that he was keeping his baby brother safe in their little bubble, unknowing of the hardships they were facing, Luigi knew.

he only really noticed it when he started to attend school (after his brother learned a trade and managed to find a stable job). he saw it in the way the other children sneered at his worn clothes, heard it in the way they would whisper about him when they thought he couldn't hear. Luigi was never outright bullied, but he was definitely Othered by his peers, and coupling that with his brother's iron grip on everything he did, being unable to explore any part of himself, and the deep-seated paranoia that Mario let slip in any of their conversation messed with his head. it's how he became so anxious, so deeply afraid of everything around him, and how he ultimately ended up tying his worth as a person to his brother's existence. he was absolutely dependent on Mario.

when Luigi graduated, he learned the same trade his brother had, and worked at the same company as well. they continued this co-dependency for a few years; during one job they did together they were transported to the mushroom kingdom - Luigi in his early 20s and Mario approaching 30 - and they were taken in by Princess Peach.

they were offered a nice little house to live in, just outside the capital. their plumbing skills were helpful, as they quickly started to earn their keep. Mario especially became a well-liked figure among toads, being a master at hiding any negative emotion inside him to keep a calm and happy front. he made sure to be the one to gain every toad's favour, so that they wouldn't be forced out of the home they were given, and so that Luigi would, by pure association, never face any trouble here.

when the kidnappings started, Mario quickly became the mushroom kingdom's hero. his survival and fighting skills led to a quick rescue, and it paved the way for friendship between the Princess and the brothers (Peach being the first friend that Mario truly allowed Luigi to have, eventually extending that grace to Peach's cousin, Daisy).

Peach and Luigi's friendship had a slow beginning, with Luigi having close to no social skills or hobbies that they could talk about. but as she gained Mario's trust over time, he started allowing Luigi to be alone with her for short periods of time; and those were just what she needed to help him get to know himself.

it started with baking, and then later on cooking. sewing, piano, singing, painting - bit by bit she introduced the younger brother to various hobbies to help him find out what he liked to do. aside from these activities, the longer they spent together the deeper their friendship ran. Peach was a healing presence to be around, and Luigi proved himself to be a caring and immensely loyal friend to her.

their friendship also meant, however, that Luigi started insisting on joining Mario in his rescue missions, something Mario absolutely hated the thought of. it's too dangerous for you to go, he would say. she's my best friend, Mario, i can't take being left alone to worry.

Mario would always put his foot down in the end.

this power struggle between the two would only grow bigger and bigger. Luigi wanted more independence, to make his own decisions, and Mario always denied him, telling him that it was to keep him safe. arguments became more and more frequent, and they both became angrier at the other for their behaviour. it all came to a head when Luigi, furious at having been left behind again, left the house in the middle if the night following after his brother in an attempt to help with the rescue.

it took him much longer to traverse the plains towards the koopa kingdom than it did Mario; after all, he had never left Toad Town before, nor travelled this far on foot on only survival equipment. he did reach Bowser's castle eventually, finding a way to sneak in unseen. in the chaos that ensued within the castle, Luigi found a way to help his brother out but paid the price of being caught by him, too. it infuriated the older brother to no end.

the walk back to the mushroom kingdom was tense, and largely silent. Mario was refusing to look at anyone or even say a single word, only keeping a tight grip on Luigi's wrist as they walked. Luigi was deeply afraid of Mario's wrath in that moment, knowing he was in for it when they got back home. Peach tried to fill the silence somehow, keep both brothers distracted, but the older one stayed unreactive whereas any light conversation from the younger was short.

the two dropped the Princess off at the castle, and she watched pale and afraid as Mario dragged Luigi back to their home without so much as a goodbye.

the fight that started when the front door closed was the worst one yet. Mario was yelling, gesturing wildly as he reiterated the thongs he's told Luigi a million times over. his brother was trying to defend himself, for the first time truly trying to air out his grievances and get him to see his perspective. but Mario would barely let him get a word in, not even looking at him as he continued. it culminated in Mario telling Luigi in anger the very thing he had been afraid of his whole life: that he was to blame for what happened to them, that their hardships were his fault, that he was a burden to his brother.

it broke something inside of Luigi.

Mario continued screaming out every thought that came to his head, not noticing the way his brother had gone quiet, the way tears were rapidly streaming down his face. in fact, the older brother wouldn't notice it at all for the rest of the conversation, instead banishing his brother to his room to reflect on what he's done before leaving the house to cool off.

Luigi felt numb, and out of place. his brother had just told him he hated him (using different words) and then left him. it almost seemed like the walls were closing on him the longer he stayed in this room, suffocating him with every memory that existed here. it took him a few hours before he could move his stiff and tired body - but when he did it was dead of night, and Mario was still gone. the words he had said echoed through his head relentlessy. and as if he were on auto-pilot, he packed up a few sets of clothes, some non-perishables from the pantry, and whatever other thing his fried brain could think of. with only a short note, he left behind the life he knew.

Luigi ran away.

he didn't care to notice which way he went as he ran, all he wanted at that moment is to run as far away as possible and for as long as he could. he had to get away, no matter where the road took him. the road he had taken, however, was the one leading straight to the koopa kingdom; his brain having defaulted to the only familiar route it knew in the darkness.

and so the plumber found himself disheveled and dirty as he faced the koopa capital, having spent a night or two on unfamiliar roads with nightmares to boot. his eyes were bloodshot, dark circles under his eyes, and his body all kinds of exhausted.

he spent a few more nights camping just outside the town, during the day trying to get any odd job that would pay. he needed the money to afford a temporary stay and food, as his rations were depleting at a quicker rate than expected. it was hard to find those odd jobs, however, as no one seemed willing to trust a disheveled, dirty, unknown human who only appeared days ago. fair, he thought, not being able to really bring himself to care.

soldiers patrolling the border of the capital caught sight of him, and, after realizing he posed no threat, took pity on him. they brought him to the castle for an audience with the king, hoping that he may give this human a second chance at life that he so clearly needed.

when Luigi saw Bowser, he felt that familiar fear creep in. it lasted only for a single moment, as his brain decided to harshly remind him that Bowser was Mario's enemy, not his. and he couldn't take the Peach justification as he had left her behind without a second thought as well. so why should he care? it made no difference after all.

the plumber spoke to the king with utmost politeness, yet the numbness was easily recognizable by anyone who saw him. when Bowser, who evidently didn't see or remember him from the last rescue, questioned him, Luigi said he had nowhere to return to, no home to call his; that he was a plumber by trade looking for work anywhere it was available. Bowser offered him a deal: become the official castle plumber (and pick up some other skills along the way to be useful), and in exchange he would be given a staff bedroom and be fed 3 meals a day. Luigi accepted.

the first few weeks passed with no issue. the plumber did his work quietly and efficiently, staying respectful to any other caste staff and nodding to the King when they passed each other. one night, however, King Bowser found the plumber staring out at the rivers of lava in the dead of night, tears rolling down his cheeks and sniffling. when the koopa approached him, Luigi went back to that neutrality/apathy that Bowser was used to seeing from him; but their conversation, brief and guarded, brought out a tiny shred of understanding for the other. there was more to the man in green than the koopa had thought, and now he felt interest in getting to know him. Luigi, in turn, realized that Bowser may not be as monstrous or power hungry as he had heard before. the smallest of olive branches had been extended.

over the coming time, Bowser would be the one to make an effort for friendship/companionship. he would slowly start breaking down the walls that Luigi had built to protect himself from the world and his own thoughts. the process required a lot of patience, something Bowser struggles with, but seeing how Luigi treats him so normally, as if he were any other person and not a monster made it worth it.

meanwhile, Mario was going crazy in the mushroom kingdom. the first 2 days after their fight he had refused to enter Luigi's room, believing that he was in one of his moods and thats why he didn't respond to Mario's calls for food. by the third morning his anger had faded and worry set in. he knocked on his brother's door, gently calling to him that he wants to talk and apologize, and to come out and eat. when he received no reply, he opened the door himself to see the room empty, no sign of Luigi, his essentials packed and bed made. his blood ran cold as the realization swept in that his brother had run away.

in a panic, he ran to Peach's castle. when he found her, he barely got the words out of Luigi's disappearance before he had a panic attack, his head filling with self-loathing thoughts. he's not aware as he's taken to the infirmary and seen by the castle's doctor, and it takes him a while to come back down again. Peach is by his side the entire time, teary-eyed, as she watched over Mario and prayed for Luigi's safety.

for the first time in their lives, the brothers have been completely separated from one another. Mario spent his days in grief, staying in the castle, trying to break out every night to go find Luigi himself. Peach increased security around the castle, holding him back, saying that Mario would make no progress in the state he was in. she sent out several scout groups to search the entire kingdom for her friend, but the results stayed fruitless.

Luigi and Bowser's friendship deepens in the meantime. slowly but sure his walls start to come down, he showed more emotions, smiling and laughing just the smallest bit as he gets to know Bowser. he also met the King's son, Junior, whom he got along great with. things seemed to be looking up for him; he had found a new home, he was making new friends apart from the King as well, and the townspeople started welcoming him.

then, for the first time in a while, Bowser kidnapped Peach once more.

if truth be told, the day started like any other for Luigi. he was told by Kamek that Bowser was busy with his kingly duties, so he spent the morning helping the kitchen staff prep for lunch and then read a book in the library. by early afternoon, Junior had come looking for him to play a while, and after that Luigi went into the city for a small job or two, exchanging pleasantries with the citizens of the capital. by the time he was back in the castle, the day was over and the prince was asleep. he came across the King by complete accident, greeting him as he usually did when both he and Bowser froze at the heartbreaking cry of Luigi's name.

hesitantly looking up at the cage he hadn't seen before, he saw a person he thought he'd never see again. in that cage stood Peach, holding on tightly to the bars as she cried. Luigi's small whisper of Peachie...? told Bowser all he needed to know in that moment. when the plumber started walking towards the cage, picking up speed with every step and reaching for it, Bowser quietly opened and lowered the cage. he watched in shock and surprise as the Princess threw herself at the plumber, sobbing, and told him how worried she was about him, how glad she was that he was safe. it took him a moment to react, but when he did, Luigi broke down completely in her arms, both sinking to the ground in their embrace.

Kamek ended up leading them all to the study to talk it out. Luigi had clammed up again, refusing to talk to Bowser or Peach. Bowser put a gentle hand to Luigi's back; when he hesitantly looked up at the koopa, he saw no sign of betrayal, or hurt. just gentle concern, and a quiet promise of i'm here. he explained to them both the fight he had with Mario, how he had come to the koopa kingdom and how he found his place here. all Peach cared to know was if he was safe and happy. Luigi's affirmation of that had Bowser happier than he wanted to admit. out of that conversation also came the reason Bowser was kidnapping the princess in the first place; that being resources. the vulnerability of that conversation and Luigi's question of helping the koopa kingdom has Peach and Bowser agreeing to start peace negotiations.

as always, Mario came to rescue Peach. upon Luigi's insistence, she didn't tell Mario that his brother was there, and she did her best to try and get Luigi's perspective through his head - hoping that eventually the brothers could meet again and work out their issues. for now, she could only see her dear friend when negotiations were happening.

on the koopa end of things, that vulnerability from the conversation with peach paved the way for a deeper relationship between Bowser and Luigi. things developed slowly between them, as the plumber would need time before he can truly trust again, but the affection and the intentions were there. they were both happy to explore this new dynamic at a slow pace, both wanting to do right by the other. very fluffy.

when Luigi felt ready for it, he asked Daisy to tell his brother that he was well. he didn't want to reveal his location, or say anything else; but he was starting to heal, and a part of him missed his brother dearly, and so he figured letting him know hey, i'm okay, and when i'm ready for it i'll see you again was alright. when Daisy delivered the message per phone call, Mario was frantic to know more, but Peach and Daisy both talked him down. Mario was slowly starting to accept that he had to go at Luigi's pace, let him make his own decisions. it pained him, but he agreed. he told Daisy to tell Luigi that he was glad he was well, and that he would wait.

the response from his brother had Luigi in shambles for a day, one part happy that his brother was finally coming around and the other furious that it took him running away for it to happen. Bowser stayed beside him throughout that day, offering his comfort to his sweetheart.

and so, the years started passing. peace was signed between the two kingdoms, and small steps were taken every once in a while by the brothers to slowly repair their relationship. it started with the passing of messages through Daisy, and it would turn into letters updating the other on their lives. Mario told Luigi that he was with Peach, and in turn Luigi was honest about his relationship with Bowser (that one took Mario a while to process, but he was learning to let go of that need for control; Luigi told him he was happy and that's all that mattered).

the first time they meet in person again is a few years after their fight and the peace treaty. Peach and Mario made their way to the koopa kingdom on Luigi's invitation, and the reunion in the throne room was tense at first. Peach and Bowser both kept watch over the brothers, ready to step in at any moment.

the brothers themselves were frozen in place, staring at one another. it felt so foreign to stand in front of each other, after years apart and limited communication. Mario took the first steps, placing a hesitant hand to Luigi's cheek. when he responded to the soft call of his name, both brothers hugged each other tightly, crying openly and loudly. over the two days that he and Peach were in the koopa kingdom, that is all Mario and Luigi did - no words were exchanged between them, but they did not let go of the other, catching up on the lost affection.

it would take many more years for their relationship to become "normal" again. many arguments, periods of no contact, and apologies. they were both healing from a lifetime of hurt at their own paces, but ultimately they both made the effort to repair their relationship. when Mario and Peach married, Luigi was there as best man, and the same was said for Luigi and Bowser's wedding. Junior would eventually come to adore his uncle Mario, and his children would enjoy many vacations in the koopa kingdom with uncle Luigi. they both chose different paths for themselves, but what mattered most was that they both chose a path of love and healing, one that they could walk together in time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

so that's it i guess. now that i've written it out, this turned into a whole ass fic idea when that wasn't the case originally, CLEARLY i don't know how to be concise. oh well.

if anyone wants to pick this up, feel free! just let me know if you do something with it because i wanna see the results of it :D

[erismerald]

𝓜𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓴𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓼 (Norman x Fem!reader)

Go read the all book on my wattpad!!! And btw im requests were gonna be always one from now, so if u are a weebe send me ur request please!!

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼:  Fluff and a bit hot oop/ manga spoilers/          

                      ━━━━━━ ━━━━━━◇◆◇━━━━━━ ━━━━━━

A year and 11 months ago you and the rest of the children of Grace field had run away in search of a way to escape to the human world, during this time you were hiding in a hiding place where you had the opportunity to meet a lot of other children with the same interest as you, and your family only grew and you could see the happiness on their faces.

Emma was your best friend since you were kids, you, she, Ray and Norman, were about two years and a few months younger than them and they were like older brothers to you, besides taking care of you were your best friends but... Unfortunately the affection and love you felt for Norman was different, a few years ago you had feelings for him but you preferred to hide it because you knew it wasn't right and that he liked Emma so you preferred to retract your feelings for him and you preferred to see his happiness next to Emma which was a better choice.

In the last months you lived on a farm, you felt you could lose them at any moment and the moment you knew Norman had been "ordered" you felt your heart break, the tears in your eyes didn't stop, you didn't want him to leave, you didn't want to lose him, you preferred to be taken away than him.

The night they parted was hard, it was the night you finally revealed your feelings for him.

*flash back*

You walked down the hallway slowly, your legs were shaking a lot, your breathing was accelerated and your chest hurt. You stopped in front of the door of the room where Norman was, took your hand and went lightly to the door, waiting for an answer from the other side.

"You can come in!" he said on the other side of the door, you took another deep breath and thought about what you would say to him... I had to admit that you loved him before you lost him forever.

"Excuse me! Norman... can we talk?" you said facing the ground, you could already feel the tears running down your face, Norman realized and tried to get closer to comfort you but you stopped him "No! I can't face you... it may sound stupid but not even at the last moment that I'll be with you I can't face you" you said laughing nervously

"Y/N... I will miss you, I.... only want you to run away and that my death is not in vain, neither can I face you... Nor Emma-" you interrupted him, embracing his body with strength

"I CAN'T FACE YOU BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO LOSE THE PERSON I LOVE MOST IN MY LIFE.... I LOVE YOU NORMAN ... I wanted you to know this before you leave... I know you love Emma but this is my last chance to talk to you and tell you things with sincerity!" you said letting the tears fall.

"Y-Y/n... I'm sorry I can't be with you... I'm sorry you had to hide your feelings for so long... I really am sorry, I really love Emma, and I love you and Ray and everyone here, but I have to use my life to get you the chance to run away from here"

Silence was installed... you only felt his body embracing yours, caressing your back, until the moment you saw the person you most loved leaving in the midst of darkness.

Your body moved on its own, you ran to the forest not to run but to be alone, my body was freezing, your voice was so deep from screaming, among hiccups you shouted his name for him to hear you, until your body finally fell from exhaustion.

*end of flashback*

Emma walked ahead, together with Ray trying to find a new way and a safe place after the destruction of the shelter, you were worried about christ who hadn't woken up yet, and his health seemed weak and fragile, you feared the worst, but you had to be positive, you walked a little faster to reach your two best friends.

"So we know where we are going?" you asked Ray 

"We're not just going to follow the tracks again.... maybe we'll go towards one of the 7 walls, we have to try our luck" Emma responded positively until she stopped abruptly, heard if screams someone was being attacked, without delay you three ran towards the voices in aid.

When we ran into the scene of two teenagers surrounded by wild demons, we had to help them, so we prayed in arms and without delay, we killed those horrible monsters.

The children looked terrified but... what would two children be in the middle of the forest? where would they have come from?

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR Saving Us, WE THINKED WE WILL DIE" one of them shouted, causing Ray a little discomfort because he didn't want to call attention to more enemies.

"Yes, yes, but please keep your voices down, we don't want to bring attention to ourselves!" Ray said

The light-haired boy examined us and in a flash his eyes looked like they were shining:

" IT'S YOU!YOU ARE THE CATTLE KIDS WHO ESCAPE FROM GRACE FILED, WE COME TO FIND YOU, BY COMMAND OF OUR BOSS" he said smiling, Emma and you exchanged glances, 'looking for us?' you thought while you waited for Emma to answer if

"Ahm who is your boss?" Emma asked with fear? could they really trust them?

"WILLIAM MINERVA" your world stopped a smile brutalized in your lips we had finally found it! You had finally found the person who would help you return to the human world.

A few hours passed and those two took you to a hiding place inside a tree, it was an incredible place, there were lots of children there. 'so William minerva always exists' you thought while you were enjoying the environment it was really wonderful, you could feel the joy of the children being there, your family would finally have a place to live in peace.

"The boss wants to see you then come this way," one of the boys said, showing us the way.

We got to a door that would probably lead to an office, you were nervous, you felt your tummy turning, as if you were about to vomit from excitement, the door was knocked and inside there was a male voice "Come in".

The door opened revealing a white-haired figure, his crystalline blue eyes, and his sweet smile... you felt the tears flowing down your face, you couldn't believe you were standing in front of him, how? why? how did he get here? so many questions invaded your head leaving you paralyzed in front of that door.

Emma ran towards the figure in front of us "NORMAN!!" his voice showed relief and nostalgia, they both embraced "Hi Emma" Norman said in a sweet voice, it was like living a dream, Ray approached Norman, but his reaction was not the same as Emma's, Ray raised his hand and the slap Norman's face, and then hugged him. ... you admit that you got a little jealous and put yourself behind the children so that no one could see you and you left without anyone knowing... The memory that you expressed your feelings to Norman at his last moment in Grace Field, the relief you were feeling for him being alive and the anger that you couldn't face him and embrace him filled your thoughts and so did you as you walked through the streets until you reached the exit door of the hiding place. You wanted to be a little alone, that was a lot of information to assimilate, so you went out into the forest.

*Norman P.O.V.*

It was wonderful to be with them all again, still in Ray and Emma's embrace I looked at the people around us... my beloved family, I detached myself from the embrace and felt the children all running towards me, screaming my name.

"It's so good to see you again, and good to see the new members of our family, welcome to you all." I examined the faces of each of them, but someone was missing. Y/n, the panic took over and me, I looked around quickly but I didn't see her, what happened to her?

"Emma, Ray?" They both turned their attention to me and their expressions changed when they saw the panic on my face "Where is Y/n?" I asked and Emma smiled~ "It's right here" she looked around but realized she wasn't there "Where is she? she was right behind me!" she said but a white-haired boy interrupted her~

"She went out, while you were hugging, she ran away and ran out" He said, what happened? Wasn't she happy to see me? The memory of her confession came back to my mind like a flash, I felt my face heat up a little, she still couldn't face me, I have to go find her.

"I'll go look for her, stay here I won't be long, so please go explore the surroundings, and eat something, I bet you're hungry," I said with a gentle smile as I hugged her again and left the room toward the exit to look for her.

*Y/n POV*

You didn't know how long you had been sitting there on that rock, looking at nothing, you felt the cold of the night passing through your back making your whole body shiver, until you sneezed.

You heard a noise of branches breaking, and immediately you looked up and turned your body back, a cloak figure was standing behind you, you got scared and fell off the rock banging your ass on the ground.

"Auch" you said caressing your sore ass with the fall~

"Sorry! Are you ok?" this voice... what would he do here? you look ahead and you saw him kneeling in front of you with his hand on top of yours, he had grown so much... he was really more attractive than he was, his more evolved body, his voice, his height, but those eyes never changed, you stared at his eyes for a while until you saw his face being painted pink and turning his gaze away from yours, immediately after that reaction you turned your face to the side.

"Y-yes i am, I'm sorry I just got scared because I didn't know you were there" you said in a calm and nervous voice

"I came looking for you... you disappeared when you saw me... I thought you missed me..." he said with a sad expression making your heart race... 'he came after me?' you thought by taking a deep breath

"Of course I was... I just didn't know how to react, just like all the others I thought you'd died that night." You took a short pause "Look, I'm sorry I ran away..." He looked directly at you, you were paralyzed, you felt your face warm, his gaze hypnotized you.

"I missed you... that night I... I wanted to hold you and not let go anymore... I didn't want to leave, I wanted to feel you against me, I wanted you to fall asleep in my lap, I wanted you never to cry again" you felt the tears fall on your face, his hand went up to your face, and wiped the tears that were trying to come out.

His touch was different, he was more adult, he wasn't the same innocent child two years ago, he was more mature, his thumb stroked your cheek and his hand put the strands of hair (H/c) behind your ear.

"I missed your look, your company, and I'm sorry I only realized my feelings for you after I left... I waited every day for you, for the day when I would be able to see your gaze again" he paused taking himself and pulling you with him, you were hypnotized by him, you couldn't, nor wanted, to move "Let me touch you, let me hug you. ... let me kiss you, I want to feel you, my love, I want to feel you close to me and this time I will not let go of you, my love I want to take care of you, be mine" his words were like whispers, his gaze penetrated yours, his thumb ran across your face until it reached your lips, caressing them down to your jawline lifting it.

Lightly his lips touched your neck, letting you still, you felt his breath making you tremble under his touch, he laughed softly, without realizing it he pushed your body back, leaning against a tree, his hand went down to your waist and another wandered between your neck and your face, his gaze screamed for your attention, he missed you too much and did not want to let you go without being able to touch you again. Your hands moved to his neck and to his chest, pulling him towards you, slowly you put yourself on tiptoes and kissed him lightly, the kiss began calmly but gradually became more fierce.

His hand that was on your waist went up to your neck, keeping you still under his control, it seemed like a dream, you felt your breaths accelerated and you couldn't calm down.

The two panting separated, he looked at you with a gentle smile and pulled you to his horse, stopping in front of you forcing you to look at him, his eyes were dangerous.

No word was said on the way to the hiding place, when we got there he helped you out of the horse and gave it to a boy, both walked side by side until they reached the cafeteria, where he before opening the door stood behind you with his hands on your shoulders and came close to your ear making you shiver. "I'm glad I learned to control myself, otherwise I don't know what I would have done with you behind, maybe you can find out later Love" his voice makes you blush violently, he opens the door and smiles like nothing, but his gaze changed when he saw you again, he was eager to have you in his arms again.

[ancientwastedlores]

Undone by “Darling”

REQUEST (from @november-solarstorms​): Celebrating another year of this earth being braced by Tom Hiddleston's presence! Lol. Might I make a prompt request? I feel as though it would be interesting to read from Loki's POV to explore the dynamics between him and a human female who is just as intelligent as he. She has a sharp wit and even sharper tongue. Her sarcastic and clever nature enable her to out-banter Tony Stark, the king of snark himself (may he rest in peace). But she is also just as flirtatious and salacious. She never blushes, never falters, and is incredibly clever. You can decide the nature of their encounter. Really im just in it for a good game of cat and mouse.

A/N: Okay, I had SO MUCH FUN writing this!! And yeah, this will run a bit longer than my usual fics lol. Also, there IS a Loki POV, just keep reading thaaanks <3

WARNINGS: none. 

WORD COUNT: 1,932

____________________________________________________________________

Undone by “Darling” 

17 hours and 6 white chocolate mochas later, it was finally ready - an upgraded version of Corvus Glaive’s glaive, this one spec-ed out to your fancies and requirements. It was a beast, and definitely not something Nick Fury would ever let you play around with, even if you made it. 

Satisfied with your work, you remove your safety goggles and grin at Stark, who is working on his own weapon he scavenged from the Black Order. 

‘I’m done!’ you say triumphantly, causing him to look up and groan.  ‘How did you finish before me!?’ he lowers his glasses and looks at your weapon.  ‘I’m smarter’ you say.   ‘I went to MIT’  ‘And I didn’t, yet here we are, both in the same lab’. 

He shakes his head, not unlike a petulant child, causing you to laugh. 

‘How far along are you?’ you ask.  ‘Still running diagnostics’.  ‘Still!?’  ‘Have you seen the size of his hammer?’ he gestures to Cull Obsidian’s chain hammer on his work table, but the innuendo doesn’t escape you and you grin at him. He facepalms. ‘Y/n, for god’s sake...’  ‘You’re just tired, or you’d appreciate the joke too’. 

You stretch your weary body and let out a deep breath. You’d test the weapon out tomorrow, but for now, you need a nap. 

‘Take a load off, Stark. Hammer’ll be there tomorrow’.  ‘Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you...’ he puts his goggles back on and get to work. 

xx

Loki’s POV: 

Humans are surprising, but I always knew that. I never thought them boring, even if my brother says I do. Humans are of so little power but such incredible resilience that it’s frankly astonishing. I am inclined to believe that sometimes resilience is just stupidity... in most cases, I am right. But that’s not to say I haven’t come across some truly brave people. 

Take the Avengers Tower, for example. 

Just in here, you have Y/n, a brave soldier with the mind of an intergalactic scavenger, and I do mean that as a compliment. She’s awfully clever, she can build better than Stark, and has a track record of finishing every mission to perfection and before time. And then you have the Super Soldier Steve Rogers, a big muscled, big hearted idiot who often mistakes challenging our enemies for bravery and morality. 

The two couldn’t be more different, but they get along like siblings. Not siblings like Thor and I... better adjusted, perhaps. 

They sit in front of me, talking about some mission while they play Chess. Her moves are quick but calculated, his take more time because he’s more interested in telling his story than playing the game. 

‘...so there I am, no weapons, no shield, bang in the middle of the Serpent Citadel...’ 

He’s a good storyteller, I’ll give him that. But not as good as Y/n. She paints quite a picture, full of delicious gory details and horribly dark jokes. 

‘Steve, you have to pay attention, you’re losing’ she says.  ‘Yeah, I don’t actually know how to play chess, I just wanted you to listen to my story’. 

She looks up at him, almost offended. ‘STEVE...’  ‘Cool, I’m gonna go wrap Stark into a game of Battleships and tell him about my fight with Copperhead’. 

She laughs as he leaves the room, and she puts the chess pieces away. 

‘We could play?’ I ask her.  ‘Is the God in a mood to lose?’  ‘Over confidence isn’t attractive in anybody’. ‘Oh darling, neither is telling someone what is and isn’t attractive’. 

She’s never called me that before, and in the context it should seem cutting, but it isn’t. ‘Darling?’  ‘Problem?’  ‘It’s quite a term of endearment to set someone straight’. 

She says nothing. 

‘Cat got your tongue?’ I tease her. She only smiles and continues putting the pieces away neatly. Stark’s chess set is gold and black, all individually carved pieces. The pawns are all Iron Man suits, but that’s to be expected. She handles them with the care Stark would. 

‘I mean...’ I continue, ‘honestly, if someone heard, they’d never let you live it down’. 

And she carries on, unbothered. 

‘Y/n!’  ‘Oh dear, look at you come completely undone with just one term of endearment’ she comments, shutting the chess set. ‘Whatever would happen if I held your hand?’ 

The very thought of it seemed to drain my brain of blood. I unwillingly glanced at her hands, working the lock mechanism of the box, her blue veins prominent. 

‘Cat got your tongue?’ she asked. 

I stood up, the human emotion of embarrassment becoming too familiar for me. ‘I’ll have to see you at lunch’.  ‘Sure, darling’. 

Oh, I hate how she’s enjoying this. 

----------

The next day, Y/n booked a training room to test out the Glaive, and Stark had a rusty but working chain hammer. Steve insists on trying it out anyway, and now our breakfast is being spent on discouraging him from doing that. 

‘Guys... if nothing else, I’ll still have my shield. Let me test it out!’  ‘Y/n’s glaive cuts through Vibranium, you know that, right?’ Stark says.  ‘Y/n wouldn’t do that’. ‘Oh yes she would’ Y/n says nonchalantly as she sinks her teeth into a bacon and egg sandwich. 

As she does, the yolk runs down her fingers. She makes a sound at the inconvenience and sets the sandwich down, then grabs a napkin. I’m hardly ever crude, but the energy it took not to take her hand and lick off the yolk myself could burn every star in the galaxy. 

Captain America scrunches his nose at her remark, severely offended. 

‘In any case, that shield barely covers your giant body. It will force Stark to make you a new one’.  ‘What do you care about his giant body’ Stark says.  ‘It’s America’s ass, Tony’ she takes a sip of her iced coffee. Steve blushes, and Tony rolls his eyes. 

----------

The training facility is magic, of course, somewhere between a mirror dimension and Wanda’s reality powers creating a safe cocoon inside the building so no one can be harmed. Y/n hardly trusted anybody to fight with her except Thor, but given the nature of Corvus’ Glaive, she knew magic would be required. 

And so she called me. 

After getting into my battle armour, I stepped into the facility, equipped with my sceptre and the teachings of the witches of Asgard. 

She whistles as I walk in. ‘Trying to distract me from killing you?’  ‘Are you?’ I ask. She’s dressed in a black bodysuit, details of purple in her belt and weapon harnesses.  ‘Why yes, I am. Glad you noticed’. 

The glaive is on the floor, and she stomps her foot on one part of it so it swivels up and neatly places itself in her hand. She smiles. 

‘Try to keep up. I’m not just looking for eye candy in a training partner, darling’ she says, getting into battle stance. 

With nothing left to say for the second time this week, I aim the sceptre at her and the stone at the end glows. 

She charges and I shoot at her, but she spins the glaive and creates a shield which absorbs the energy. 

She continues to charge at me. I shoot again, and again the glaive takes the hit. Not a scratch on her. 

Once she comes closer, she simply places the flat end of the weapon against my chest, sending me hurtling back into a wall. 

She spins the glaive and laughs. 

‘Compliments of Wakanda. It absorbs any hits and charges up with kinetic energy’. 

I get up on my feet. This is far from over. I create multiple illusions to surround her, all of them brandishing knives, Chitauri tech, and sceptres. 

‘Damn, suddenly my whole evening has opened up’ she says, looking around.

Even my clones look around at each other puzzled. 

‘Come on then, who’s up?’ she spins the glaive around. ‘One at a time or all at once, baby’. 

They charge at her, and I expected her to fight them off at once... instead she plants the staff on the ground and ducks, and a semi-circle shell grows from the top of the staff, down to the floor... like a mini fortress, completely impenetrable. It could, no doubt, continue to take hits and build up kinetic energy, so I call off the clones. 

She gets up and retracts the shell. ‘Nanotech’ she grins at me. ‘The whole shell sits in a disk. It can withstand bombs and even a moon’.  ‘Is there any tech you haven’t adopted?’  ‘I’m an intergalactic scavenger, aren’t I?’ 

I stare at her, horrified. Can she read minds? 

‘Maybe I can. Or maybe I heard you tell Stark when he was complaining about me finishing my weapon first’. 

Silence. 

‘Also, darling, you’re awfully predictable in your fighting’. 

She picks up every trick and tech she sees, so beating her is less about weapons and more about cunning. 

No problem. Cunning is my specialty. 

‘Ready now?’ she asks.  ‘Mhm’. 

She takes a deep breath to ready herself, her eyes shutting slightly. Once they open back up, she stares in shock. 

In my Jotun form, I give her my most menacing smile.

She cocks her head to the side, studying my icy blue skin. 

The illusion I cast of myself approaches behind her, dagger in hand. Once it’s close enough and I can almost taste my victory, she raises the glaive and in one swift motion, sticks it into its abdomen. 

The illusion disappears into green light. 

‘Cute’ she remarks. She points the glaive at me. ‘What else you got for me?’  I shift back to my Asgardian form and sigh. ‘You win’. 

Y/n laughs and lowers her weapon. ‘Oh darling, I won the second you walked in wearing all that leather’. She winks at me, then walks out of the facility. I feel a blush creep to my face, much against my will. 

-------------

‘Maybe you should stick to your guns, Tony’ Y/n says, ‘Fancy suits is it for you, chain hammers may be overshooting it’.  ‘Is that what they taught you in the back alley you learnt ironmongery from?’  ‘Yes! Do you want their number, I’m sure they’ll have a spot on the waiting list for you’. 

Ah. Y/n’s relationship with Stark seemed more like mine with Thor. While they banter, Steve and Natasha tear up from laughing. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this domestic, but it certainly is comfortable. 

‘Come on, the glaive can’t be that good, right Loki?’ Stark asks. 

The company looks at me expectantly. ‘To say her weapon isn’t good enough means to insult your own tech, Stark. Everything about it is founded on your theories’. 

‘So technically, it’s my brain that made the glaive so cool’ he tells Y/n.  ‘Yeah, you could say that. The glaive comes from the same mind that manufactured Captain America’s dinner plate’. 

Steve doesn’t find that one funny, but Natasha does, sending her into peals of laughter. 

‘Oh whatever’ Tony huffs. ‘I’m going back to the lab’. 

He stands up and Y/n grabs his arm. ‘Aww Tony, I’m just kidding!’ she pats his hand, ‘Look, you’re a brilliant inventor, we all have our slow days’. 

He sighs and nods, and holds her hand. ‘Thanks... I guess I’m just not in my element, you know?’  ‘Yeah...’ she keeps patting his hand. 

And the feeling of domesticity creeps in. We really are all a family. Y/n smiles encouragingly at Tony, and Tony seems more relaxed. 

‘So, you want me to get you the number of that ironmongery, or...?’  ‘OH FOR...’ he snatches his arm away and storms out of the room, with Steve and Nat losing it all over again. 

___________________________________________________________

Ah this was so fun!!!!!!!! I hope you guys liked it <3 

MASTERLIST HERE

ASK BOX OPEN FOR FIC REQUESTS. Find GUIDELINES HERE.

[levis-hazelnut]

This is a vent.

You can do what you want with this post but please do read the part from where your name starts in bold and pink.

I have decided it's okay for me to type my thoughts out here In tumblr. Safer than my journal at least lol

So I'm doing okay but I also feel like shit for the past few days lol. To the point where I cried myself to sleep. Ever felt like crying badly but the tears won't come out but you can't even act frustrated? Yeah that too.

I'll be honest. I changed schools so now I have about 3 supportive friends but we haven't interacted much.

My friends from my previous school are really very cool and supportive and it is because of them, I had a thought of exploring me and thinking about my sexuality and everything.

I have a lot of friendship problems. Im kinda losing touch with My friends from the previous school and i saw it coming almost 1 years ago. But I still talk to them bc I like them. I have been betrayed and neglected and taken for granted by loads of people who were my friends. We're still in touch but there is a disconnection.

I really considered them my friends. I trusted them. I was looking for a special bond with them. But it never happened. Half of them betrayed and verbally bullied me. Some of them strayed away. Some were Influenced by other bullies. Some took me for granted.

I'm awkward at voicing out my true feelings. I wanted them to know through my actions how much they meant to me, how I bragged about how nice they were, how I loved it when we went on little adventures and screamed and laughed. But they just had to go away.

My one and only lovely best friend moved away and now we live about 2000 kms apart but we still talk and she supports me (and simple for me lol) and she is kinda like one of the top reasons I'm sane rn. I'm very grateful to have her.She sometimes visits my blog through Google and reads my fics.

I've been having depressive episodes since last year. It's definitely better than last year bc back then, I used to cry in secret like- every single day. Including my birthday. I've actually kinda mastered the art of masking my feelings.

On top of that I have family problems. My dad is not really emotionally present. I hate to say this but my mom kinda victimizes herself. Evertime they have fights, I hear and notice this. It pisses me off but the points they make about themselves make sense. Eventually they make up and they sat down and made me under stand that nothing is gonna happen but it mentally affects me a lot.

Believe me when I say that I love my parents. But I'm growing distant. On top of that there is some toxic advice and they are homophobic oof.

I know there are millions of people with more worse conditions than mine and when I think about this, I get sad and start to invalidate my feelings but with the help of some motivational people, I understand that my problems are valid and I'm allowed to feel sad. At this point I'm like my own supporter. I'm proud of it.

Every time I see jean, I relate to him a lot. Putting a strong front for others but your terrified inside. (Also thighs mm)

So Hazel. Listen to me

When I found out of tumblr and fanfics, I was overjoyed. I spend weeks reading comfort fics by many different authors including yours and it made me feel safe.

I finally decided to make an account and follow people. I mostly interacted with you. There are so many blogs and moots that I follow now, and now I'm not shy or scared to interact with them.

You know why? Because of you.

It is from your blog I first felt like I could feel safe. I never felt weird about going in your inbox more than once. Everytime you responded I felt butterflies. After that when you followed me back, I actually almost cried. Every single time I saw you in my dash, inbox or responding to me, or just interacting with your fellow moots, I felt happy.

And after that I met amber, izzy, and so many cool moots. If we ever met In real love I wouldn't hesitate to give you a big hug and thank you.

Hazel baby when I say I love you, I fucking mean it.

I love you. I love you so much

I love all of my moots, and people who I interact with every day. I found so many supportive people and people from the lgbtq and people who share the same thoughts here.

Thank you for being you.

I hope you never forget how much I admire you. I'm almost tearing up as I write this. All of you guys give me so much motivation to move forward in my life.

himani please the way you had me crying because of this i love you so so so much i cant stress it enough

(imma put a read more cos this got kinda long lol)

im so happy that you found a safe space and you feel comfortable enough to tell me all of this too. you have me on discord as well and i'd always be happy to listen to you if you need to talk or just to simply simp over 2d people lmao

and im so sorry that you've been feeling terrible, it honestly breaks my heart and i wish there was something i could do. i'd hold you and be there to fight everyone for you if i could. if those friends dont keep in touch with you, they'll be missing out and they'd be losing such a precious and amazing person. but once you lose something you always gain something - thats something i've realised so you will find the right people that will stick by you for a very long time ❤❤ i'm so glad you have your best friend there to support you and sticking by you because even when you feel like everything's just going to shit i know they'd be there for you and im happy about that

your feelings are completely valid and im glad you realised that. just know that im always going to be here too to support you and to just be there for you whenever you need it

bye the way you have my heart himani, it makes me so happy that you feel safe here and that you never felt weird about interacting with me. please you give me butterflies all the time, how could i not follow a beautiful person like you. honestly the same goes to you - i love seeing you on my dash and i love seeing you have a great time and interacting with people especially with my moots it makes me so happy i cant describe it 😭

if we ever meet im not letting you leave my side, you're gonna permanently be in my arms

i love you so much more i wish there was a way i could show just how much... im glad you found people you love and those that support you and that give you motivation. and im always going to be here to support you and for anything else you need

thank you for being comfortable enough to talk to me and to share this. you're an amazing person never doubt that 🥺🥰💖

[aghasexxy]

BAD IDEA | PARK JINYOUNG pt. 1

Pairing: Reader x Park Jinyoung

Words: 1727

Genre: Smut

Warnings: Teasing/Foreplay

Summary: you get into a heated argument with your boyfriend of 3 years Im Jaebum. Afterwards, you go to confide in your best friend Jinyoung. One thing leads to another and, well, let’s just say that going to Jinyoung was a good idea. For all the wrong reasons.

I wipe my tears as I storm out of my home and out to my car. I try to catch my breath but I choke on my tears again. The front door swings open to reveal my very angry and very drunk boyfriend screaming at me to come back inside. “Oh here the fuck you go running away from the issue yet again,” he hiccups as he stumbles onto the patio. “Very classy y/n!” My blood boils and my head starts to spin. I look back towards the front door. “Fuck you JB! FUCK YOU!” I take in a shaky breath and get into the drivers side. I speed off down the street. In between sobs, I call to Siri. “C-call Jinyoung,” I demand as I rub my swollen eyes. “Calling Jinyoung,” she responds. My phone automatically connects to the Bluetooth in my car and my entire vehicle starts to ring. After the third ring, he answers the phone and I let out a relieved breath. “Yeah?,” he says groggily. “H-hey Jinyoung,” I squeeze my eyes shut as I try my best to keep my sobs at bay. “I-I need to c-come over right n-now.” He lets out an exhausted sigh. “The door is unlocked.” I let out a breath and continue down the street. I’m so incredibly grateful for Jinyoung. He’s JB’s bandmate and the only guy I’ve become best friends with. At times, I trust him more than I trust JB.

I pull into Jinyoung's driveway, wiping my tears away and replacing my sadness with anger. I lock my car door and storm inside. Closing the door behind me, I plop onto his couch face first. I scream into the pillow that softens my fall. “Nice to see you too y/n.” I look up and see Jinyoung in a black muscle tee and gray sweatpants. His hair is disheveled and he wipes the sleep from his eyes. I sigh. “I’m sorry I didn’t know you were sleeping.” He nods his head and gives a sarcastic grin. “Oh now you’re considerate of my time?” I sit up and scoot over so he can sit down next to me. I put my head on his shoulder and he sighs. “What happened this time?” I roll my eyes and inhale slowly. “I was on twitter and I saw a video going around of him out with Jackson and Bambam,” my eyes start to tear up again at the thought. Jinyoung shrugs. “And then?” I wipe my eyes. “And in the background, I saw him…,” I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. “I saw him kissing another girl and getting a lap dance from her,” my sobs became too powerful to hold back anymore and I just break down. I bury my face into Jinyoung's neck as he pulls me close to him. “I’m sorry y/n,” he starts to pet my head, calming me down second by second. “JB is an obnoxious drunk, especially when he goes out with Jackson and Bambam.” He pushes my hair behind my ear. I get up from the couch and start walking towards the kitchen. My hands meet the granite of the island as I try to calm myself down. “I don’t deserve this,” I say as I look at Jinyoung. “I give him my time, my patience, my understanding, my undying love and support,” I start to choke up again but I pull myself together. “but obviously it’s not enough for him.” Jinyoung gets up and comes over to me. He leans up against the counter next to me. “I’m sorry you feel like this Y/N.” He rubs my back slowly and softly as I try and pull myself together. “It has nothing to do with you. It’s him. Don’t blame yourself.” I smile and reach out to wrap my arms around Jinyoung neck. I pull him into me, his hands instinctively finding my waist. He hugs me tight, making me feel safe and secure. Jinyoung always knows what to do and say when I feel horrible. He never fails to comfort me when I need him. My mind stops wandering when I feel his hands hold onto my hips.

I pull back and look at him. His eyes are transfixed on me as if nothing else in the world exists. My heart starts to race. The way he’s touching me is insanely inappropriate, but I can’t help it. I love being touched by him. I move his hair out of his eyes so I can see them better. Resting my hands on his shoulders, ask him what's wrong. He snaps out of whatever trance he’s in. He shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair. “Y/N…,” he looks back up at me. He scans my face with his big pretty brown eyes. “I'm sorry to do this but you need to go,” I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion and begin to speak when he shushes me. “Because I’m trying to be a good friend to both parties involved right now,” his hands slowly leave my hips. “If you don’t go, I’m going to do something I’m gonna regret later.” I raise an eyebrow and chuckle softly. “Yeah you’re right.” I start to lower my hands when he grabs them. I gasp and lock eyes with him. I swallow. “Jinyoung?” he wraps his arms around me again, pulling me close. My eyes widen and my palms get sweaty. Oh shit. I hate the way he’s looking at me because of how it’s making me feel in this moment. His face inches closer to mine and I lean back. “W-we shouldn’t…,” are the first words to come out of my mouth. He lifts his hand to my face. He cups my cheek while caressing my lips with his thumb. He looks at them, licking his lips. My stomach fills with butterflies and I’m unable to form a clear thought. “Yeah, you’re right,” he whispers, shooting his eyes back into mine.

I suck in a breath. He smirks, inching closer and closer until our lips meet for the very first time. I shut my eyes and the first thing I see are stars. Stars of every color. I see fireworks exploding and glitter falling down from the sky as bittersweet symphony plays quietly in the background. His lips are so incredibly perfect for mine. And just as it starts, it ends when his lips disappear. I open my eyes to see him just staring at me, smiling. “Did you just whimper?” He asks slyly. I cover my face in embarrassment, internally cursing myself. I feel his hands come up and peel my fingers from my face. “No no princess,” he kisses me again but with more confidence. He pushes his tongue into my mouth exploring every corner of it. I run my hands in his hair as I moan deeply into our heated kiss. I whimper again when he bites my lip and pulls away. “Don’t be shy baby,” he leans in, kissing the crevice of my neck. “If you like what I’m doing, make some noise for me, okay?” His hot breath tickles against my skin every time he whispers to me and I feel my knees growing weaker and weaker. God, this is so wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this with him. But I really really want to.

“I-I really d-don’t think we should b-be…,” he bites my shoulder and I yelp gripping his shoulders. “Jinyoung,” I whimper loudly. “Don’t do this to me please.” He kisses up my neck and stops at my ear. I shiver when he breathes into it. “Why Y/N?” He turns me around, my back against the granite. His lips make their way down my neck to my collar bones and between my breasts. My hands get lost in his hair as he leaves wet, sloppy kisses all over my chest. My eyes roll to the back of my head and I bite my lip to keep myself from becoming a moaning mess before him. I can’t believe I’m letting Jinyoung do this to me. His needy hands grab onto the hem of my shirt, pulling it down abruptly. I look down. His eyes are the size of saucers staring at my blue lace bra. He cups them both and gently squeezes. He moans to himself before kissing my breasts softly. My pussy starts to pound harder and harder with each passing second. He really does know how to tease a girl. How can someone be so gentle but so rough at the same time? I look down to see him looking up at me, smiling. “Your face is so red,” he snickers. I roll my eyes at him. “I wonder why.” He kneels before me, taking my pants to the floor along with him. His soft lips leave sweet, wet kisses across my thighs all the way down to my calves and feet. My breath stays caught in my throat as I watch him worship me, literally from head to toe. His hands make their way back up to my hips as he grips the hem of my panties. I stop him from pulling them down. He looks up at me, a worried expression on his face.

“What is it Y/N? Did I do something wrong?” I shake my head and avoid looking at him. I struggle to find my words. “N-no it’s just...well...JB...he...he never….um….,” I turn back to see Jinyoung’s grin slowly start to spread across his face. “Really?,” he says in a deep sexy tone that makes my knees turn to jello almost instantly. I nod slowly. Jinyoung kisses my left thigh once more. “Do you want me to?,” he asks, not breaking eye contact. I shiver at his intimidating gaze. The way he is looking at me in this moment has me at a complete loss for words. I’ve never seen such desire and want in a mans face before, let alone Jinyoung’s. I was so incredibly turned on that I didn’t know what to do. I bite my lip and nod my head. His hands grip my ass cheeks as he lifts me up off the floor and places me on the island. He kisses me with want and need before pulling away. “Good.”

[loveamongthesailors]

Well, Pathologic 2, you’re One years old! It’s as good a moment as any to reflect upon and shatter the time-lines you’ve drawn out for us. OR; Reading His-Story Against the Grain

i saw this post about pathologics incongruous timeline stuff the other day and i ended up Getting Into It.. this piece draws on stuff from patho classic but its focused on patho 2, especially on a comparison ov the Diurnal and Nocturnal “endings,” and contains spoilers for both games, probably, i guess, on varying levels ov abstraction and explicitness. i/m going to attempt to stand on a street corner and point towards Pathologic’s overall construction/presentation ov “time” as the Now-time, Exploded time, Messianic Time.

from dear daniil dankovsky, on Angels; “An angel is a nightmare. Their purpose is to instill primal, oppressive horror. I think if angels existed, they’d resemble a divine pillar of light---from the heavens to the earth. Devoid of anything remotely human.” We commend this Puppet for his drama but would like to take a slightly different approach. Even awful dreams are good dreams, if you’re doing it right.

 IX

         “A Klee painting named ‘Angelus Novus’ shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth is open, his wings are spread. This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned toward the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing in from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such a violence that the angel can no longer close them. The storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress.“            

         on the content ov patho and in a real Life context, im also going to be discussing genocide ov Indigenous people, colonial Violence, police brutality, and anti-Black violence in this piece. i’ll also be contextualizing some views on History through the writing ov Walter Benjamin, a German born Jew living in the early 20th century, and friend ov Bertolt Brecht, who you may be familiar with if yr into patho. In 1940, shortly after writing On the Concept of History (referenced here),while fleeing persecution for neutral grounds, he was trapped in catalonia by a franco government cancellation ov travel vistas and,under threat ov repatriation to nazis by the spanish police, commited suicide on the night ov september 26. His theses were passed on by surviving members ov his group who were granted “safe” passage after his suicide, being later taken under the care ov Hannah Arendt and Theodor W. Adorno. His Grave reads -in German and in Catalan, reproduced here in english-

"There is no document of culture which is not at the same time a document of barbarism"

(from section 7 ov On the Concept of History)

    i will also be using sections from baedan, which has been dear to me over the years, on Benjamin’s Concepts. some songs will be dispersed throughout (featuring Laurie Anderson, Owen Pallett, and some good ol tmg), with relevant links beneath. you’ve heard that old Brecht aphorism about dark times, singing, whatever? i’m nearly sick to death ov it. these stories, in addition, will be based on a few things i know Myself. follow the threads as you see fit <3

Because History is Stories...That we half-remember... And most of them never even get written down. And so when they say things like "We're gonna do this by the book," You have to ask "What book?," Because it would make a big difference if it was Dostoyevsky or just, You know... Ivanhoe.

xxx

“Read what was never written,” runs a line in Hofmannsthal. The reader one should think of here is the true historian. ~ Walter Benjamin, omitted notes to the theses on history  

//// //// //// ////

Isidor Burakh: All I wanted was for you to understand, not to follow any particular fate.

...

Isidor Burakh: The Town needs to move forward, but it doesn’t insist. Facing the Future is the the way of Love. Facing the Past is the way of Love. But the two are incompatible, and it broke my heart. //// //// //// ////

      so,,, depending on who you ask within Pathologics narrative, the history ov the Town-on-Gorkhon stretches back to Time Immemorial, constitutes a few hundred years ov settlement, or only goes back about as far as You have been playing the game. You’ll hear conflicting narratives around just about everything in this Town. Simon Kain, hundred something years old, mystic, spiritual founder ov a several hundred year old settlement. an executed general’s vengeful daughter, Artemy and Rubins foggy backstories ov military service, what military?, what war? Who sent in the Military and Inquisition, how can We get at the Powers that Be? looking outside ov the narrative and towards history for these sorts ov questions will give us All and None ov the answers. 

       The Termitary (internment/interment/intermediate/immediate/intermittent)  looms over the Home ov Isidor Burakh, Menkhu and sole Medical Practitioner ov the town(excepting disciples. consider the spread ov knowledge, what different Knowledges are at hand and how they perpetuate...we can see how Isidor himself looms from his grave Quite well!), colleague ov radical intellectuals from the Capital and serving with Simon in tandem with the Mistresses to hold the Town together by force. Everything is Happening at Once.

        Look at What/Who is Moving this Story Forward. Different ruling families will give you again, different Numbers, different Stories. One can’t trust the Numbers, we say! and One can hardly trust the Stories either, mind you. This engenders an approach based on following Patterns, exploring Roots, pulling back the curtain to ascertain the shape ov things, reading the lines so to speak. one Bull or Several bulls? silly question. again, we’re trying to looking beyond the Numbers. consider Time as a Multiplicity. consider Rhythmic and Linear time, Time Stratified, Unending Time, Plague Time and Empty Time, Lived Time and Time un-Lived, if one pleases!

XVII                                                    

           “Historicism rightly culminates in universal history. Materialistic historiography differs from it as to method more clearly than from any other kind. Universal history has no theoretical armature. Its method is additive; it musters a mass of data to fill the homogoneous, empty time. Materialistic historiography, on the other hand, is based on a constructive principle. Thinking involves not only the flow of thoughts, but their arrest as well. Where thinking suddenly stops in a configuration pregnant with tensions, it gives that configuration a shock, by which it crystallizes into a monad. A historical materialist approaches a historical subject only where he encounters it as a monad. In this structure he recognizes the sign of a Messianic cessation of happening, or, put differently, a revolutionary chance in the fight for the oppressed past. He takes cognizance of it in order to blast a specific era out of the homogenous course of history—blasting a specific life out of the era or a specific work out of the lifework. As a result of this method the lifework is preserved in this work and at the same time canceled*; in the lifework, the era; and in the era, the entire course of history. The nourishing fruit of the historically understood contains time as a precious but tasteless seed.”                                                   

*The Hegelian term aufheben in its threefold meaning: to preserve, to elevate, to cancel.

          Everything is happening at once, already, and, for the purposes ov Our story, A plague is on. (why is there a plague on?  in this Specific Case, read: Specimen, there is a plague on because infection serves as a very useful allegorical device. haha. see also dominant theories ov infectivity in russian imperial medicine, policy, and social science) Crisis as Inflammation. Violence and Control intensified along multiple vectors. Mobs, Witch Burnings, The Quarantine, districts carved up and kept under surveillance, the Town Police, Arsonists, government or Otherwise, the Military, the Inquisition, Hangings in the square, tallies ov the Dead in the Termitary... Was any ov this new? did it Crystallize from thin air? here’s an aphorism: There’s Nothing New Under the Sun. what can we find beyond the Sun’s reaches? what has the Sun given us, and what has Earth? shall we keep them apart? whose bodies are restricted in their movement over the earth, and how severely are they restricted? who is targeted? who enforces the control? is this what Crisis looks like? when did the Crisis start?

VI                       

           “To articulate the past historically does not mean to recognize it ‘the way it really was’ (Ranke). It means to seize hold of a memory as it flashes up at a moment of danger. Historical materialism wishes to retain that image of the past which unexpectedly appears to man singled out by history at a moment of danger. The danger effects both the content of the tradition and its receivers. The same threat hangs over both: that of becoming a tool of the ruling classes. In every era the attempt must be made anew to wrest tradition away from a conformism that is about to overpower it. The Messiah comes not only as the redeemer, he comes as the subduer of Antichrist. Only that historian will have the gift of fanning the spark of hope in the past who is firmly convinced that even the dead will not be safe from the enemy if he wins. And this enemy has not ceased to be victorious.”

//// //// //// //// 

But do not be scared Surely some disaster will descend and equalize us A crisis Will unify the godless and the fearless and the righteous

...

In a certain slant of light the feeling will hit me Like a man against the waves and a violent wind Waking up in a bloody morning With the warmth of his forgiveness around me The shared dream left me shaking The memory is threatening to capsize every ship upon the sea

xxx //// //// //// ////

      Pathologic, having mapped out these lines, and being a concatenation ov narrative fiction that could not have existed without the precondition ov colonial expansion and the Extermination and Assimilation ov Indigenous populations and Life ways, can be can be unwound through a conventional historical approach by investigating various moments, epidemics, and movements in The Steppe (and all Land and Living Beings subsumed by Russia’s internal colonization) and looking for similarities, sources, influences, reflections, distortions... You’ll never find quite an exact parallel to the events ov pathologic, and you will find that the Trick that the devisers have given you in fact resides in laying out what can be gleaned from the Tangled view.

“…they make the work a process of learning or experimentation, but also something total every time, where the whole of chance is affirmed in each case, renewable every time,”

         — Gilles Deleuze, Difference&Repetition

//// //// //// ////

“For Benjamin, the conclusion of the movement of history through time is not some inevitable utopia—capitalist, communist, or otherwise. Rather than viewing the progression of civilization as an accumulation of gains and reforms toward freedom and justice, history can be seen as the continuous defeat of the exploited by their oppressors; the intensifying alienation of beings and their re-construction into capital. History not only serves to justify today’s rulers, but also to encode our memory with a narrative that reads historical events as a necessary chain of events along the path toward some future revolution or techno-utopia. He describes this as “a view of history that puts its faith in the infinite extent of time and thus concerns itself only with the speed, or lack of it, with which people and epochs advance along the path of progress.”

//// //// //// ////

     In your Twelve Days in the town as a Healer, what did you see? piles ov wreckage, debris, bodies stacked under streetlamps flickering in the night? a town spreading across a steppe? a Utopia growing through the Earth? do you think you saved any lives, and was any-body's life yours to save in the first place? a Plague moving through living organisms? a Plague moving through non-living organisms? did you observe any Organisms, living or otherwise, over the course ov the play? do you have Mirrors in your house? have you seen a still, clear, body ov water recently? what are the waterways where you live called, and have they been called anything else in the Past or Present? did you become the Haruspex, and following what paths does becoming-haruspex entail? are you winning, son?

When the hunger turns in on itself, it begins to devour its host Who do you turn to for help? Who do you love the most? When the word comes down the wire that they're looking To make an example of you Skin and bones around a campfire beneath the stars No good end in view I dance with the ones that brought me I dance with the ones that brought me here

xxx

         did you observe a Fever? can you feel a Fever? can you Imagine a great crack ov lightning striking across the Steppe, illuminating in raw detail the beauty and horror ov all that you have experienced? how would it smell afterwards? can you smell the Twyre on the air? is Twyre even a real thing? what may influence your imaginary ov its scent? Feel small, dirty hands reaching out for beetles, marbles, raisins, souls within nuts and names without people. Living on pemmican, Living on military rations. razors, fish-hooks, scalpels and syringes passing through the hands ov children as well. noticing the flows present in everything, spots where they are arrested, and the intensities they assume. we could run through the Game and Count up the Number ov Clocks present, and we could also look at how many hours we have Clocked in our Playtime, and the date ov this Play’s Production. did the Kains succeed in their mission to Produce Time? was this the Kain’s mission Alone? how is your mental Clock? We got the Body Count at the end of the day, and commentary too. cant beat that courtesy, *hem hem* but again, looking beyond the Numbers. how many Bulls did you see? when is a question also a trap? 

XVIII                                                  

       “‘In relation to the history of organic life on earth,’ writes a modern biologist, ‘the paltry fifty millennia of homo sapiens constitute something like two seconds at the close of a twenty-four-hour day. On this scale, the history of civilized mankind would fill one-fifth of the last second of the last hour.’ The present, which, as a model of Messianic time, comprises the entire history of mankind in an enormous abridgment, coincides exactly with the stature which the history of mankind has in the universe.”

what are the Consequences ov inserting Living Beings into a Linear Framework? where did Architecture come from? how was this Story constructed? What do you remember about the Town? 

We can take the Diurnal “ending” as a fairly straightforward allegorical Byway for the Forces ov Progress. Boundaries are set, You are not the Town, the Town is your Soul-and-a-half.( wikihow to not be a cartesian dualist, consider also Spinoza if laying bare the path ov immanence was ov interest to you) What lays beneath the Sunlight? what still lays beneath the Earth? What time is it? things are weirdly cozy, in some ways. mimesis, echoes, ghosts. Are their voices still heard? grace tallies up the bodies. are You ready to Leave Artemy here? is this a comfortable future for you to imagine? how are you with uncertainty? Does the costume itch? do you ache at the seams, or are your joints sore from all the strings pulling at them? got arthritis? i’ve used stinging nettle. can a Story devour a human being? why would something with that power stop at One?  

What Do You Think Will Happen Now?

One can also make the Choice to step into the Darkness. One with many names has returned to the Earth,(”One” ov many False Deaths and Smart Tricks too. love ya girl <3)... taya as mistress-ov-bulls, grace as mistress-ov-dead, changeling as mistress-ov-absolutley-whatever. Mistresses, Mist, Tresses, Bulls, Brides, Worms, Plague...the Theme/s to note here is/are Multiplicity. Is there a difference between imagining the future and the past? Where are you? Where did You come from? the Nocturnal ending already asks enough questions to make me quite happy. sitting next to the Girls now, looking out at the New Sky. same as the old sky, Full ov Magic. if we take Death ov the Author into account, we could say that the Polyhedron belongs to the Dead in more ways than one. We can see your house from here! i wouldn’t say we’ve even gotten to the Prophet yet. When did our Hero leave us? did We have any use for Heroism? the Steppe is in the Stone Yard now. The World is returning to Life. what does it mean for me?

how many angels can dance on the head ov a pin?

how many worm brides can dance in the cathedral?

   ....“The way in which the dead are present is as the “caress” of a “breath of… air,” as an “echo,” or as a sister who one no longer recognizes. In other words, the past is present and everywhere, touching us every moment and “in the voices we hear,” but only suggestively, in and in spite of our own inability to recognize it. But the possibility for redemption, the weak messianic power, lies in the chance that we might.

In the intimate, ever-present opportunity he describes there is a tremendous deal at stake. For, he writes in the fourth thesis, the “refined and spiritual things” that live in the class struggle “as confidence, courage, humor, cunning, and fortitude, and have effects that reach far back into the past… constantly call into question every victory, past and present, of the rulers.”

Later, turning to the historians he criticizes as tools of the ruling classes, Benjamin makes it clear in his seventh thesis that their resurrection of the past is an entirely different kind. The nature of the sadness—rooted in an indolence of heart—that Flaubert described feeling in his historical study of Carthage is clearer, Benjamin says, when we remember that the historian’s empathy is always with the victor, and thus with the present rulers. It is the kind of sadness, then, that gathers to the loyal servant or minion in knowing that it is being used for its ruler’s purposes”

         “Figured another way, the task of interruption requires us to locate the clocktower that we could fire upon to stop the day. Homogenous time no longer flows through the monolithic machines in the city centers. Now, a range of technological advancements have diffused and integrated the machinery of time into our very thoughts and rhythms. Everywhere we go, we are surrounded by and permeated with devices which serve to manage the regime of time. Where once a singular apparatus mediated our relationship to time, its dictatorship is now imposed by an innumerable array. A desire for interruption must now reckon with the countless apparatuses that segment our memory and integrate our very being into capitalist time. But rather than waste time lashing out against all these clocks one after another, let us cut through to what underlies them.

           History’s servants promise us a shining future. Whether by means of technological innovation, hard work and sacrifice, or the Revolution, we are assured of a heaven-on-earth of light and crystal. But all of these glimmering apparatuses can only serve to adorn the monumental pile of wreckage in which we live. All around us, the carnage and corpses of our ancestors form the architecture of our daily existence. Not only the walls and freeways and shopping centers, but the smart phones, pornography, surveillance and entertainment systems—all monuments to the same enemy that has never ceased to be victorious. Capital, Leviathan, civilization, society: so many names for the process which turns life into an assemblage of death, which would integrate us as machines into a grander machinery. Futurity is the logic that drives this regime of subjection and assimilation, but is also the science which desecrates our memory of those who also struggled; the treachery which turns their struggles into so many more ideological cadavers. Where living beings once struggled to be free from futurity’s domination of their lives, we are told that they dutifully sacrificed themselves for society’s future. We too are called upon to procreate and raise up children who might one day live better lives than we. But just as we were born into the halls of the dead, so too would our children be the stillborn janitors of these halls, breathing circuits embedded in a massive cybernetic cadaver. Ghosts call out to us: they ask that we tear apart the sutures of this Frankenstein’s monster which they’ve come to constitute. They call on us to cremate their remains and bury the ashes, to end the reign of the dead over the living.”

//// //// //// ////

"I am not afraid," ze said "Of the non-believer within me Nor delight at the pain of my enemies Nor tears for any friends I have lost" ...

I’ll never have any children I’d bear them and eat them, my children

I’m gonna change my body In the light and the shadow of suspicion I am no longer afraid The truth doesn’t terrify us, terrify us My salvation is found in discipline, in discipline

xxxx

//// //// //// ////

“It is apparent from the foregoing that all accumulation is cruel; all renunciation of the present for the sake of the future is cruel.”

— Georges Bataille, The Accursed Share, Volume III

//// //// //// ////

“The Haruspex is blood and organs... ...The Haruspex’s overarching idea is the interconnectedness of everything and restoring the connections... ...The Haruspex hears (rhythms)... ...The Haruspex: water + forward vector. „ — [from the game’s design documents]

“ The Haruspex, a butcher, a killer, one could even say a murderous psychopath, gets the warmest character arc. It’s about love. „ — [from the game’s design documents] 

//// //// //// ////

Infinity Mirrored Room—All the Eternal Love I Have for the Pumpkins -

Yayoi Kusama, 2016

//// //// //// ////

       A long “personal” anecdote: there’s music on the air and i hear a familiar buzzing. it isn’t twyre growing, nor it is the hum ov flies. we Keep bees here, to get honey.  I should try to remember to bring some to my wife tomorrow, though making the journey on its own is a bit daunting these days. 1 hive, 2 hives, the bees build and swarm and our Keeper rearranges the frames, adds in new boxes, tries to give them enough space that they'll stay within our domain. I think about the complex roles being fulfilled within the hive, and how any egg can grow into a so called “Queen” if need be. These Hives haven’t always held the same populations, sometimes a swarm will depart and won’t be Recovered. Look around the neighborhood, find the buzzing tree, you may be able to get them back yet but... have you tried getting a swarm ov bees into a box before? good luck finding the queen! (hoping i don’t have to do this but a bit excited by the prospect at the same time.)

        Our honey bees didn't originate from this region, i see them in the “yard” alongside native bees (one tries to plant for Everybody) but obviously, Our Hives are here so i’ll always see more ov the honeybees as long as they’re occupying them. Native bees to our Bioregion are leading very different lifestyles. Different threats, dynamics, and places in the ecosystem as well. Bumblebees are the most Beloved. Native Bees here- vital pollinators, ground and stem burrowers, more solitary souls than most, but are any ov us really alone? what are their favorite flowers?

          I think about Bees a lot now. I’m standing here thinking about Bees, and where I’m standing is in between the entrance ov the Hive and their favorite Ceanothus (see also soap brush, red root, buckbrush, see medicinal uses...). Very precious grounds to these Bees, not somewhere where I’m welcome. I Haven’t always known as much about bees. I get stung right inbetween my pinky and index fingers, on the palm ov my hand. yeowch! Bad luck, but i could still use a shovel the next day. This was an anecdote about Paying Attention to Your Surroundings.

       The Ceanothus isn’t flowering anymore, and hasn't been for a few “weeks” (i think?) The Bees have other concerns now. In fact, it was heavily damaged in a snow storm a couple years back, and half ov its branches collapsed under the weight ov the ice. Its a bit ov a twisted thing now, what remains still flowers but what remains is not so much. At some point in the future upon yr reading ov this, it will have been cut down and possibly dug out ov the earth. I wouldn't be surprised if a few more, smaller, iterations made their way to this space in remembrance/ tribute. The branches lost in it’s first wounding are still stacked up nearby, all sorts ov creatures love that stuff. Dead trees in the back that Birds still frequent stay for the birds. We never get that many plums because we’re not smart or quick enough, or as willing to take one great bite ov a fruit and let the rest fall to the soil. I didn’t really get stung by a Bee in a situation exactly like what i described up there, it’s drawing on a few different times that sort ov thing happened. I hope you’ll forgive me for my obscurantist tendencies.

       Looking past the Hives and onto the Streets, I am a White Settler(family fled the reach ov the Soviet Union to integrate into America, family fled family to a different part ov land under the Reaches ov said “America”,cave fled family but stuck with the Land, recurring patterns, what would my views be if i had grown up in Czechoslovakia? geography, chronology, trick questions) living in a segment ov Town that, until 1968, was a legally a Sundown Town, see Racial Restrictive Covenants. I still don’t see than many Black ppl around my neighborhood. I do see grocery store parking lots swarming with cop cars, more cops than i can Count, at least two k9 units, all to pursue One Black Body through the rainy night, My own Body lets me move through the world without these Forces being brought upon me in this intensity, lets me Watch.

          Certain alignments ov directions ov Struggle have brought me into the position ov the Other at the end ov the cudgel, a body in a crowd under the looming eye and long barrel ov the sniper, the surveillance camera. Visibility is a Trap. Any ability i have to Get Off The Hook is based not on Luck or Fate, but due to the way the color ov my skin is reflected in the eyes ov Those in Power. what can i do from inside This Skin, and what can i do with the veil ov a mask obliterating my “selfhood”? How are we to heal? If you didnt read this into my Musical choices already- im a bit ov a flaming/smoldering queer. sitting in the planned parenthood lobby, one among many, gripped by recollections ov the devastating history ov HIV/AIDS and a cluster ov other Crises, memories ov beloved souls lost to policies and hegemony ov extermination and neglect. blood in vials, piss in jars. how does the time spent waiting for results feel?(how long? weeks months?)

           I have more free condoms on hand than i’ll ever get through. A veritable theoretical eternity ov Safer Sex. There are Reasons why Queer Institutions give access to free condoms. But i’ve gotten them from some delightful Quakers as well. on another squeamish, libidinal subject, administering self injections isnt so daunting when you’ve seen it done a Million times before. It’s like watching somebody sneeze, or pinching yourself. HRT as potions, mechanical intrusion to will a slow transformation. getting into the fat is easy, some other avenues less so. “This requires the Gentle Hand of a Surgeon, step aside!” i know a lot about what Doctors Don’t Know. (veins and arteries as streets- easy. nerves as streets - you hear this a bit less. streets as eyes, the opening ov your mouth with a railroad track running down it, eyes as streets, whose streets? fuck streets! tear up the concrete)

          The aforementioned streets are closed to Traffic due to the Quarantine, and i hear folks and families from the neighborhood walking/hoverboarding/skateboarding/biking down the street,(mostly the new work from home yuppie class and their spawn respectively, but there's some real ones around here too. all ages. have yet to live anywhere that people don't ask me for cigarettes) chattering away, masks or no masks. If i take a long walk down past the cemetery, I’ll find myself passing by a Native American Youth Home, created to provide support for a population that is currently disproportionately represented in this Town’s already Massive Homeless population. (their covid19 resources and donation info) Even with the Plague on, New Condos are built and Old Condos stay empty. Who do the bones in the soil beneath my feet belong to? When did all ov this Start, and how Long will it go on? why does the Map look the way it does? I would rather listen carefully than dig. This Story is not the only Story, nor should any be.

      do i remember how the damp asphalt smells Here after Lightning Strikes? do i remember the feeling ov my body thrown to the concrete and the chaos and disorientation ov Crowds mobbing over me, slick with rain and sweat? who saw, and how many hands reached out to lift me up, who saved who? is that my blood trickling down the sidewalk? Flashbangs and Flashes ov Lightning, take yr pick. you can get similar experiential learning in the moshpit. this is an anecdote about Paying Attention to Your Surroundings.

i’ll try to bring us nearer to the point with baedan’s conclusion, a reflection on the First thesis from On the Concept of History. I will leave it up to You to investigate the original text if you are so Inclined.

//// //// //// ////

           “For every pretty theory that presents itself, study it only in the way that a cat studies its prey: for the enjoyment of the hunt, to be sure, but also so as to seize upon whatever unique revolutionary chance may appear as in a flash of lightning. So that when that narrow gate opens, you pounce without a moment’s hesitation. In the meantime, by all means, enjoy the diversion of the theory’s lines and moves, but if you are to avoid becoming its tool you must ever have in mind to shatter the system of mirrors and confront the dwarf that has been pulling the strings all along. Faced with this ugly little creature behind all the lines of play you’ve enjoyed and suffered, able at last to read the lines of its face and the dark of its eyes, as time stands still and the entirety of the past falls to you, you will have to make a deeply ethical decision that nothing in all the games before could prepare you for. The only decision that truly matters.”

//// //// //// ////

Artemy Burakh: Any Choice is Right as long as it’s Willed.

//// //// /// ////

Hansel and Gretel are alive and well And they're living in Berlin She is a cocktail waitress He had a part in a Fassbinder film And they sit around at night now Drinking schnapps and gin And she says: Hansel, you're really bringing me down And he says: Gretel, you can really be a bitch He says: I've wasted my life on our stupid legend When my one and only love Was the wicked witch

She said: what is history? And he said: history is an angel being blown backwards into the future He said: history is a pile of debris And the angel wants to go back and fix things To repair the things that have been broken But there is a storm blowing from paradise And the storm keeps blowing the angel backwards into the future And this storm, this storm is called progress

xxx

TLDR; pathologics shitty timeline is cool because it fosters a metagame where the imperative is to make history explode in real life.

specific thanx to: every1 included above, my local subversive lit dealers, Whoever gave the talk last ABF about Queer Wanderings in the anti-nazi Underworld, have not stopped carrying those stories with me since. thanks to the Dear Listener, thanks 2 my wife for pragmatic and personal encouragements <3

a personal acknowledgement to the lives and legacies ov the dxʷdəwʔabš (Duwamish) people, past and present, First People ov the Land i currently Occupy, alongside the entire City ov so-called “Seattle.”

[system-of-a-feather]

ah, hello! im not really sure how to explain this, but im gonna try. ive recently turned 20, and i’m only now being diagnosed with did. is it normal for a diagnosis to come so late? i feel a little scared and too out of place to even figure out how any of this works, or how to find out my alters. is there any advice you could give me as well? i’m very new to all of this and im not sure how to feel

Hey! Sorry about the late reply, but yes, it is 100% normal to get a diagnosis around your 20s or so. A lot of people don’t get diagnosed until later in their life due to a number of reasons and most get diagnosed around their 20s. This can be due to the fact that the brain tries to keep the walls up while unsafe and usually people get into more safe environments around 20s and things become more noticably weird. Some might find it in the opposite way where the barriers are too high and 20s is around the time where dysfunction starts become too apparent because DID gets in the way with being a “normal adult”. Some might not be able to get their mental health checked out properly until then. Some might not notice the symptoms. Some might be seeing a therapist that doesn’t know much on DID or doesn’t believe in it. etc etc. There is an endless list of reasons why someone wouldn’t be diagnosed until that late and you aren’t alone. Some people go all the way until their 30s and 40s without getting properly diagnosed with it, so don’t worry about it. We weren’t formally and properly diagnosed until we were 18 I think? There was talk but it was brushed off.

But yeah coming to terms with DID and getting to know everyone in the system can be a bit of a huge chunk to bite off originally and it can be intimidating. Most of this advice is coming from a personal place so keep that in mind but...

My first piece of advice would be to try to be patient with yourself and this whole process. DID can be a hard thing to learn, understand, come to terms with, adapt to, and adjust life towards once you find out about it, and it will take a lot of time and effort to figure it out, but it is 100% possible to figure it out, adapt to function with it, and to live a normal life. It might not seem that way at first and it might seem really chaotic and like everything in life is just a mess with memory gaps, things happening in your life you don’t know about, or issues with friends and all that might spring from it, and it might take a while to adjust your life towards it, but it is possible to recover, learn, adapt, and live a happy, functioning, and productive life.

I’m not going to say “Oh having DID is a good thing don’t worry about it” because it isn’t easy or any of that (also having it isn’t a bad thing either), but it is different from living without it or living with the false idea of being a singlet. Personally speaking, I sit back a lot and think just how much I do to accommodate my DID into my life that most people don’t have to do, but none of it really bothers me all that much at this point and I’m pretty happy with it.

My second piece of advice might be a bit controversial, but (especially if you have a proper diagnosis and are working through it with a therapist) try to relax and take the exploration as a bit of a more positive opportunity? I am strugglign to figure out the best way to word this, but one of the things I have come to help myself when I was first adjusting to the diagnosis and understanding of the disorder (because it would get overwhelming at times and surreal and a lot of self doubt and issues arising) was to just sometimes sit back and just try to see it in a more positive light. DID isn’t a fun thing by any manner, but sometimes it helped me to try to look at the positive aspects of having DID and to kind of cherish those moments. A lot of DID is hard, difficult, and hell with dealing with triggers and inner conflicts and all of that, but one of the things that helped me remain sane while figuring it out was to build relationships with my alters and to cherish the company and good moments we had. It has helped me personally keep a more clear mind while working through a lot of this.

In regards to getting to know your alters, I would suggest simply just trying to establish contact with them. This is often best done (at least in my experience) by either leaving notes around the house / room where you know they will see it if they come out or having a trusted individual work as a middle man (if they are willing). Put something on the computer screen, put up a white board on the fridge, leave note pads, sticky notes, pens, and so on around to try to establish communication. Leave something friendly - maybe a hello or a question or a letter explaining intentions or something similar. Something that can let them know you are interested in communication and getting to know them / reach out to them.

In regards to the trusted individual method, this is something that our system has used a lot to kind of get to know each other in the early days and something that has helped out our system with newer alters, but pretty much having a therapist, trusted friend, or significant other know about the situation and just give a like “Heads up if it seems like I switched, try to pass on my interest, say hi for me, leave this message, do XYZ for me to reach them” or something similar.

I personally don’t know much on this as we never “built” an inner world, but some systems find building an inner world if they don’t have one helpful. I can’t really elaborate on that though since I was split off when there was already one - but an inner world is essentially an internal mental place for all parts of a system to be able to come together and communicate internally. I would look into it more and talk to your therapist about that if you do since I don’t feel experienced enough to talk about how to go about doing that.

As for any other things, I would suggest trying to research about the disorder more - but do know there are a lot of ambiguous sources that are kind of ridiculous on the internet. If you want good sources, typically ncbi research articles are good, http://www.did-research.org/ is alright (not the best but a good starting place), https://www.isst-d.org/, and the typically recommended reading of Van der Hart books like this. I would be careful reading into some of these though as they can have some triggering content.

-Riku (Host)

[movedyourchair505]

Napule Nights - cinque 

- chapter navigation -

x

Upon arrival back at the headquarters, two more men stepped out to start unloading Jade's stuff from the car, Helders accompanying Miles to meet with Turner, while the other security guard gestured for her to follow him, to be taken to meet with Serena.

"W-What about my things?" Jade questioned, turning around worriedly to look over her shoulder and see the men carrying her bags inside not very carefully.

"It's all gonna be taken care of" the man informed her, seemingly annoyed at her questions and she went on to follow him silently, knowing that despite having felt rather at ease in Serena's company, she wasn't going to feel as safe now, knowing what was at stake because now she'd had a taste of this, was inside and getting somewhere, and she wasn't ready to give it all up again right away.

"What's your name?" She asked, regretting the additional question to the security guard the second it left her lips, but she was desperate for any sort of distraction, even if it meant getting on bad terms with yet another of Turner's men.

"Cook" the man grunted.

She nodded slowly, fiddling with her bracelet, falling behind as she couldn't stand feeling like a prisoner being escorted to their hearing, a hearing that would decide it all, and that's probably how this man right now saw her, like nothing more than a prisoner, someone who might just be gone by tomorrow to be never heard from again. "C-Can you tell me what's going to happen?" She asked, another attempt to communicate, this time to ease her mind rather than sway it.

He shrugged, unlocking a door at the end of the corridor and holding it open for her to go through before following, the crash of it shutting making her jump. "Yeh're gonna give Serena the information she needs" he said, his voice surprisingly soft now, a raw edge to it, but he didn't seem as restrictive to talk now, was at least giving her something to work with.

"What if it isn't enough?" She asked. She supposed she could ask him, because what was the worst he could do? If she was right with her assumptions, her telling him in advance about her worries would not have any impact on the outcome of the situation, if she didn't know enough, it wouldn't matter anyway and if she did, he would probably not speak against her.

But once again, she was merely guessing, Turner and his whole team were unpredictable without exception.

"That's up to her to decide" he shrugged. "She will expect a certain level of confidential information, to start training you."

Her eyes widened. "Training me?" She repeated in disbelief.

Cook shrugged. "Yeh, teh work, be useful teh Turner, find out more on the enemeh, do jobs for 'im. Wha' did yeh fink yeh was goin' teh do for 'im?"

"I just didn't know it was going to be this fast, that she was going to train me so to speak."

He stopped, looked at her over the edge of his sunglasses, then knocked on the door they'd reached at the end of the corridor.

"Si?" Serena's voice rang through the door and Cook pushed it open, once again holding it for Jade, giving her somewhat of a reassuring look, if she squinted and tilted her head a bit, and then he was gone, the door fell shut, and she was alone with Serena.

She'd expected another office type room, Serena's office perhaps, if she had one, but the dark space she'd entered now looked like an interrogation room at a police station, drawing up memories Jade would've preferred to forget. It had been a while, but being interrogated in the middle of the night, being taken in just stepping down from the pole and dressed for the occasion, a girl didn't forget that as easily.

"Sit down, Jade."

Her voice was professional, formal, not as understanding and helpful as when she'd explained things to her previously, given her advice, and as attracted as she was to Turner, Jade wouldn't have enjoyed sweating under his gaze, him asking her questions, expecting her to tell him certain things, him being the one that decided her fate.

The room was significantly colder than the rest of the hallways and rooms she had been in so far and she shivered as she approached the seat opposite Serena's, the echo of her heels clicking on the ground keeping her mind from wandering. She had to focus now, observe, no overthinking, no assumptions, more than just winning Serena over was at stake.

She wondered if Mancini had been in here, or if she wasn't regarded quite as low as him just yet, desperately hoping it would stay that way.

"I'm going to record our conversation."

Serena's voice snapped her out of it, already catching her mind drifting, thinking when she'd just sworn to focus but it was always too much, so many things she noticed and wanted to explore, so she wouldn't be surprised, would figure it out beforehand.

There was no friendly introduction now, no easing her into it, she was just another informant, just another puppet in their game, and Serena was treating her as such, no trace of the woman she'd met before. And that, that was even more worrying.

Before Jade could give any sort of response, Serena pressed the button on the recording device and leaned back in her chair, one leg resting on the other, eyes staring Jade down in a way she'd only seen from Turner. She had learned from the best.

"At what time did you enter Alfonso's club last night?" She questioned.

Jade had carried the information, the memory of the night before with her for less than twenty-four hours, she remembered it all vividly, especially right now when it mattered the most. "After my shift" she stated. "So ... I must've been inside twenty minutes to one."

Serena gave a nod of approval. "This was Buio, yes?"

"Yes" Jade confirmed. "Alfonso's biggest and oldest club."

She expected amusement, some comment about how specific she was, that she'd done her research but no such thing came back, Serena simply gave another nod. "Who did you interact with besides Mancini?"

"I tried to get everyone's enough" Jade assured her quickly, just so she wouldn't think her work was sloppy. "Some seemed rather unimportant, I didn't recognise them, but those were the ones that slipped up the most, they..."

"Stop" Serena cut in. "I doubt that anyone who would let anything slip, any nobody would have information I'm interested in. Who did you talk to that actually is somebody?"

Jade swallowed, her heart starting to race at the tone of the other women, disappointment and impatience ringing through, the mask of calm crumbling slowly, she really was Turner's right hand and it was making more and more sense. "I talked to Mancini. And Salvestro. He bought me a drink."

Serena raised an eyebrow, placing both her feet on the ground again and shuffling closer to the table with her chair, elbows resting on the surface as she leaned in to look closer at Jade, the name had sparked her interest. "Salvestro" she repeated. "He had no suspicions about you?"

Jade smirked. "Honestly, I have no idea. He barely looked at my face, was too busy eyefucking me, but he really lost track of what he was saying. Thought I was just some bimbo so he didn't watch his tongue, assumed I wouldn't understand anyway. I tried to make it seem like I was one of Mancini's girls, because I'd talked to him earlier."

The other woman nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching upward. "Right" she said. "What did you find out?"

"I gave him a bit of a lap dance while he was on the phone" Jade went on. "He was talking to this man called Paolo, but I think it was the Blade."

Serena seemed impressed, Jade could see it flicker across her face for a brief second, and it eased her mind at least slightly, brought her some peace. "The Blade?" Serena questioned. "You know who you're talking about there?"

Jade gave a nod, now trying to seem as nonchalant as she could. "I do" she stated. "Alfonso's inofficial assassin."

Serena cocked an eyebrow, nodding slowly. "Indeed. You've really done your homework, Jade. Are you sure you're really as independent as you make yourself out to be?"

And there it was, the accusation she'd been worried about, that the research she'd done, all the intel she'd gathered in the scene would be her downfall. She tried to play it cool, standing her ground. "Would I really lay out all this information if I wasn't?"

"Well, that's how spies operate" she said, shrugging. "Making it seem like they're trust-worthy by sacrificing something."

"Sacrificing Mancini? And myself? Would be a bit too much, don't you think?"

Serena sighed. "Alfonso doesn't shy away from great risks" she said, standing up slowly, her flat hands pressed to the table's surface.

Jade swallowed, she hadn't thought through how to prove she wasn't working for anyone, so she tried to stir the conversation back to her information. "Don't you want to know what the Blade and Salvestro were talking about?"

"What if they figured you out and gave you fake information?"

Jade squinted, leaning back and crossing her arms in front of her chest, her breasts pushed up from the position and she held Serena's gaze. "I thought I was supposed to give you helpful information. This isn't something they'd just make up."

"Then how is it something they'll discuss in front of some stripper?"

She sighed, knowing the comment was rather directed at her insignificance to Alfonso's men than her occupation it itself. "I know more."

Serena bit her lip. "Go on then" she nodded, sitting back down.

"He told the Blade to meet Alfonso tonight, that he'd arranged for them to meet, that they were going to carry out an attack. As you said, Alfonso is quite fond of risk, so why not have someone like Salvestro chedule their meeting?"

The woman opposite her gave another nod, approving for her to continue, now clearly intrigued as Jade pieced the puzzle together, demonstrating that she was in fact not just some stripper.

"They'll meet in neutral territory, if you want to send someone, to make sure it's none of Turner's that they're planning to attack, especially because you have Mancini here."

Her eyes widened visibly, something Jade hadn't expected. "Right" she said, playing it off quickly  and hoping Jade hadn't noticed. "What else?"

"Next week they're receiving a large delivery down by the Box."

Serena swallowed. "What's in it?"

"They didn't specify" Jade said. "They said midnight, they said the Box, but no date and not the delivery's content. I assume it's the new drug they've been selling, though."

Serena glared back at her. "How do you know about that?"

"Unimportant."

"No" she disagreed firmly. "Everything is important."

"I cannot say" she insisted, already regretting having mentioned it, the desire to impress her and be useful so strong, but now her conscience was catching up with her. "I can't."

Serena gritted her teeth, once again standing up, leaning over the table and down over Jade. She wasn't much taller than her, didn't tower over her like Turner or Helders, but was intimidating nonetheless. "You can. And you will."

She swallowed, now she'd made things even worse. "What if I don't?"

"I ask the questions."

She bit her lip. "Will it stay confidential?"

"Between me and Alexander."

Jade knew she had no other option than to trust her, knowing that she would only have her word anyway if she would get out of this with Serena on her side. "One of the girls down at the club tried it and she's been in the hospital for a week."

Serena swallowed hard. "Is she safe?" She asked instantly.

"None of us have gone to see her, we knew it would only be a matter of time until Alfonso found out, and they'd get rid of witnesses."

"This is brilliant" Serena said. "And do not worry about her. I'm going to send someone to make sure she's safe as soon as we're done. We're going to use this, if you don't mind. As soon as she is safe, of course" she added, the Serena she'd met, that had helped her visible for just a second.

Jade bit her bottom lip worriedly. "Will you put her safety first? I cannot take responsibility if something happens to her, I..."

"This is what you wanted though, isn't it?" She asked, her eyes cold again. "You knew we could use this to harm Alfonso. And we will. Alexander is going to love this."

The other woman had gone quiet now, as confident as ever, but worried too.

"Is there anything else you haven't told me that could be of use?"

Jade shook her head, in complete disbelief at this whole conversation. She had not expected it to turn out this way, thinking deeper and deeper about what she maybe had done wrong, what consequences sharing this information with this family would have, she didn't feel capable of continuing, but she knew Serena would ask more, demand more. When the door opened, she froze, expecting the worst.

"Yeh're done 'ere."

Her head snapped around and she looked at Turner over her shoulder, the look in his eyes sent shivers down her spine and he held gestured for Jade to stand up, then holding his hand out for her.

She glanced back at Serena for just a second who looked anything but amused and crossed her arms in front of her chest and Jade noticed her gaze flicker up, the only thing she could make out against the dark ceiling a small blinking light so Jade quickly rose to her feet, following Turner out of the room, the heavy door falling shut behind them. Jade was confused, couldn't quite put her finger on what'd just happened.

As soon as they stepped into the corridor, Helders and Cook were by their sides, a third man staying behind by the doors, presumably waiting for Serena to step out, whenever that would be, and however she was supposed to interpret that moment back there.

"Where are we going?" Jade questioned, biting her bottom lip instantly at her own question as she watched Turner subtly from the side, his large hands rolling up the sleeves of his silky plum coloured shirt, more rings accentuating his fingers than before.

"I told yeh I'm gunna take yeh teh me club."

Her heart skipped a beat as she realised what this meant, she couldn't speak, just focused on the men's heavy steps, how close Turner was to her side as they walked, the way the corridor didn't seem so cold anymore.

"Do you want me to escort Miss Rivera?" Cook asked.

Turner shook his head without turning to look at the man behind him. "No" he said firmly. "She's wif meh."

[porkchop-ao3]

I just watched the Wedding Squanchers episode and was thinking about how Rick hated himself for letting his guard down. Could you do a fic on Rick and reader enjoying themselves at an event, narrowly escaping a life-threatening situation, and Rick distancing himself from the reader because he thinks him letting his guard down almost got reader killed. Also Rick could have unspoken feelings for reader that are revealed in angsty confrontation after they realize they can't stand being apart.

First of all IM SO SORRY ANON. I’m pretty sure this has been sitting in my inbox since before Christmas, but I did promise I’d get it done and here we are! The reason I took so long is because I wanted to do something kind of lengthy, and I just needed the right time and spark of inspiration.

I hope this 6k+ word fic was worth the wait! It’s sort of what you asked for? But it just turned into this, I hope you like it anyway!

In this one the reader is bisexual and there’s a little woman on woman in it, so be prepared for that. It’s NSFW, naturally, and contains a little bit of gore (loss of a limb, yeah, this fic’s pretty out there) but I wouldn’t consider it particularly descriptive! Just be aware of it if you don’t like that kind of thing :) also contains a sprinkling of sexting and a pinch of anal fingering. Bon appetit!

-

Staring down at my freshly sliced off ankle was the last thing I thought I’d be doing that night, hell, it wasn’t even on my radar in terms of possible things that could happen. It wouldn’t even have appeared on the hypothetical risk assessment. But alas, I was sat on the grimy floor of Rick’s garage watching a pool of blood quickly form on the ground where my foot should’ve been, while Rick was rooting around in boxes muttering angrily to himself. The cut was perfect, like it had been done with a laser.

It was strange. I hadn’t yet quite wrapped my head around what had happened. Rick and I had been exploring a market on some alien planet, and he’d been in his element. He’d told me about the Garflugeron annual fair, and how a whole host of different alien species got together to sell/buy/trade goods; collectibles, technology, food, medicine, anything you could imagine. We were at a table speaking to an alien with four sets of arms, a large slug-like body and one big black eye, who strangely enough spoke English. I was about to trade an old Gameboy for a cool looking gemstone, when all of a sudden the alien fucking exploded. Rick seemed to know what was happening straight away, grabbing my arm and yanking me out of the ‘splash zone’ as millions of tiny bugs came crawling out of the chest cavity. It was like a domino effect after that, and everywhere around us these bugs were bursting out of various aliens’ chests. Rick had shot a portal at the nearest wall and ran for it, urging me to follow. I’d ended up with my face in the dirt after tripping on a rock like the hot blond in a horror movie, and only just made it through the portal before it closed. Of course, somehow I’d turned up on the other side missing an appendage.

“Rick?” I said, my voice was small. He didn’t respond, instead he growled in anger and upturned the box he was looking through, emptying its contents onto the floor so he could look through more easily. “I feel weird.”

“N-no shit. Your foot’s in another dimension. Wh-why the fuck weren’t you right behind me, huh?” He asked.

“I tripped.”

“Of course you fucking did, fuck… My portal gun works on a timer, which I specifically set to remain open just long enough for us to get through. K-keep that in mind next time we’re running for our lives, huh?”

“So that’s what happened? My foot got cut off by the portal?” I asked.

“Your foot ceased to exist in this dimension as soon as the portal closed up. Nothing got cut, doesn’t work like that.” He grumbled.

“Shouldn’t we go back and get it?”

“Huh?” He grunted, abandoning the clutter on the floor before hurrying over to the cupboards in his desk.

“My… My foot. We can go back and get it an- and take it to the hospital and they can put it back on. I’ve seen it on TV, we just need to put it in some ice!” I murmured. The adrenaline was starting to ebb, and whatever pain I hadn’t been feeling before was beginning to surface. I hissed as a sudden burning sensation started up, my hand flew down to my severed ankle, clutching at it desperately.

“Do you really wanna go back there? Th-th-that whole fucking place is teeming with Broflonite Lung Mites. You saw what happened to those aliens, th-the fucking things exploded from the chest out! Th-they practically turned inside out right in front of us! If we stayed there five more fucking seconds, that could be happening to us right now.” He yelled, then he was coming over to me, a device of some sort in his hand.

“Ahhh, fuck, it hurts.” I cried, eyes beginning to water as the burning intensified.

“Of course it does! Wh-what, you expect having your foot chopped off not to hurt?” He growled, and I sobbed, he met my eyes at this, seeming to soften. He patted my knee lightly. “Look, ahh, it’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna- I’m gonna fix you up.”

“What is that?” I asked, staring at the device in his hand.

“It’s gonna help you, okay? J-just relax. Close your eyes for me and take some deep breaths, baby.” He told me, now this had me panicking.

“Why? Are you- is this gonna hurt me?” I asked.

“Just trust me, it needs to be done. It’ll be over soon, alright?” The hand on my knee stroked up and down, a little too quickly to be soothing.

“What is it? I’m scared, I-”

“Ahh, fuck this.” He snapped, and pushed the device into the end of my leg, and I cried out. Following the instant agony of having a lump of metal rammed directly into a fresh wound, the pain only got worse. Burning. A different kind of burning than before, actual, physical burning; I could smell cooking meat, and I retched dryly at the knowledge that it was coming from me. “It’s cauterising the wound.” He told me, and I retched again; this time not so dryly. “Ahh, Christ. Got any other bodily fluids you wanna discharge all over my floor?” He complained, then did something to the device, and I watched as a robotic foot unfurled from the end of it.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed. “That’s my… that’s my foot now?”

“Try to move it.” He commanded. I hesitantly did as he asked, and to my confusion, the toes wiggled at will. “Alright, perfect.” He said, then wrapped one arm around my waist, and hooked the other under my knees. He grunted as he lifted me, and carried me towards the garage door.

“Wait, Rick… I’ve got a robot foot? Aren’t you- can you please explain what’s happening to me?” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck for stability as he carried me through the house.

“Your flesh will grow back around it. I-it’ll all be back to normal in a few hours.” He explained.

“How the hell does that work?”

“That device just injected the area with regenerative cells, harvested from a starfish. It’s gonna be like nothing happened, sweetie. Well, getting through airport security might be a bitch from now on, but at least you’ve got your foot back, right?” He said, kicking the door to his bedroom open before carrying me inside and placing me down on his bed. “Just uh, just take it easy for a while, alright? Rest up. Take a nap, or whatever. Like I said, it’ll be fine in a few hours but it’s best to keep off of it till then.” He told me, then made to leave.

“Wait!” I said, and he paused in the doorway. “Aren’t you gonna stay with me?” Please stay with me, was more like what I wanted to say. All I wanted was to be held by him, to feel safe, protected. He stared at me for a while, face emotionless.

“No. Y-you’re fine. I’m not gonna sit in here and watch you sleep, I have shit to do.” He said, then left. I stared out at the empty hallway for a good few moments, before letting out a loud breath and rolling onto my back. My leg no longer hurt, yet I could feel a strange, itchy, tingly sensation. I took his advice and closed my eyes, trying to get some sleep.

-

A few days after the incident it was as if nothing ever happened. Well, sort of. My foot was fine; I could walk, it didn’t hurt, and there was no trace of a scar… but something had changed. Rick hadn’t called, visited, or even texted. Now that was out of character, normally he wouldn’t go more than a day without texting me a photo of some gadget he was working on, or dropping in to drag me to some alien planet when Morty wasn’t around, or for a nice, loud fuck in the middle of the night. That last one was definitely a shocker, not to mention disappointing. I’d even stayed up late one night, purposely dressed in my nicest lingerie in preparation for his possible arrival, but it didn’t come. I’d been lounging on my sofa watching TV, in said lingerie, at two in the morning when I finally decided to take action. I pulled out my phone and took a few pictures of myself, scrolling through them until I found the most flattering one; the one where my tits looked the perkiest and my tummy looked the smallest. I sent it to him; no caption needed. In seconds the little 'read’ icon appeared below my message, and I eagerly awaited his response.

Ten agonising minutes passed, and I didn’t hear a peep from Rick. I sighed and unhooked my bra, letting it drop so I could snap a picture of my naked breasts, making sure to pinch a nipple with my free hand. I sent it to him, and again my phone informed me that he’d seen it. I nibbled on my thumb nail, my heart starting to drum harder in my chest. A few minutes went by and I typed him a message.

“Come over, I want you to bend me over this sofa and help me wake the neighbors up.” I said, pressing send. I leaned back, spreading my legs and sliding my hand under my panties, stroking my pussy at the thought of him doing so. Finally, I got a response.

“You’re making it very difficult for me to concentrate on my work.” He texted back, and I laughed; just a sharp exhale through my nose.

“That’s because I want you to concentrate on me.” I replied. It seemed I needed to up the ante even more, since I didn’t get another response. With a frustrated sigh, I pulled my camera up again, this time taking a video. I filmed myself playing with my pussy, keeping the phone close to my face so the mic would pick up my laboured breath and quiet moans. After a while, I pushed my underwear down my legs, altering the angle of my phone so it could capture me stuffing two fingers inside. I cursed under my breath at this, and started thrusting.

“Come on, baby. I’ve been thinking about you all night, I can’t sleep. I’m so wet for you, Rick. I need you to come over and stuff me with your cock ‘till I can’t take any more.” I said, my voice coming out needy and breathless. I cut the video, not daring to watch it back before sending it to him. I’d probably chicken out if I saw myself.

“You still got my dick in your bedside drawer?” He texted after a while. He was referring to the dildo I owned that’d been cast from Rick himself… his last Christmas gift to me.

“I do.” I replied.

“Great. You have my dick on demand, then. Go wild.” Was his response. My jaw dropped, and I felt the chilling, humiliating blow of rejection. A second text came in shortly after. “Btw, I’m not saying you should keep sending me videos, but I’m also not saying you shouldn’t. So yeah. Ball’s in your court with that one.”

I scoffed in irritation, tossing my phone aside. I went straight to bed after that.

-

The next morning (well, afternoon; I’d slept in pretty late) I drove over to the Smith household. When I turned up, Rick was unsurprisingly in his garage with the door open. As I walked up the driveway I caught his eye, and he pressed a button on the remote beside him. His face was an emotionless wall as the garage door began it’s slow descent, and I felt a flash of anger as he attempted to shut me out. Thank God for its slow moving mechanism, though, because I managed to duck underneath it before it closed. I stared at Rick with my arms crossed over my chest, daggers in my eyes. He sighed heavily, turning back to whatever he was working on.

“What the fuck, Rick?” I said. No reply. “What the hell is your problem with me?”

“I don’t have a problem.” He said monotonously.

“Well clearly you do. You made me feel like such an idiot last night.” I told him, feeling heat creeping up my neck and onto my cheeks as I relived the embarrassment.

“What, I-I-I’m not allowed to say no to you?” He said, and I gasped at his insinuation.

“Of course you are! It was the comment about the videos that got to me. You either want me or you don’t, Rick. You can’t have it both ways.” I told him, he didn’t even react. “And let’s be honest, Rick. It’s not like you’ve ever said no before; hell, it’s usually you initiating things, turning up at my house and waking me up when it suits you. But the minute I want something you… you go and make me feel dirty, and gross, and cheap, an-and…” I trailed off, shaking my head.

“That wasn’t my intention.” He informed me, taking a glance at me from the corner of his eye. “You aren’t any of those things.”

“Well, you need to work on your tact. And what was that, just then? Shutting the door on me when you saw me coming? That was about the rudest thing you’ve ever done, and let’s be honest, Rick, that’s a hard record to break.” I ranted.

“Ugh, can we not? I’m not in the mood for this. I-I never will be, so like… can we drop it?” He whined, burying his face in his hand as he leaned on the desk. I blinked at him.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” He lifted his head up to give me a funny look.

“Oh, I don’t know. You’re treating me like shit, I wondered if there was some external reason as to why that was. Maybe you’re just an arsehole, though.” I shrugged.

“You know what? I don’t need this. Just fucking leave if you’re gonna be all pissy with me. I’m over it.” He said, pressing that button again; opening the garage door for me.

“Why are you acting like this? Have I done something wrong? Is it because I puked and bled all over your floor and left you to clean it up?” I asked. He snorted, shaking his head.

“No. Y-you haven’t done anything.” He sighed. He paused for a while, chewing on his bottom lip and fiddling with a wire sprouting out of the gadget on his desk. “I just… I-I-I think maybe we should, uhhh, stop… this.” He finally said. Immediately, my heart was racing.

“What?” I asked, dread cascading over me.

“Did I stutter?” He asked, head snapping up to look at me. “Don’t answer that. Look, I just don’t think this is a g-good idea. Us being- uhh, us fucking.”

“Why not? I thought… I thought it was fun.” I said meekly, feeling a lump rise in my throat. I couldn’t tell whether it was because I was being dumped, or because he’d reduced what we had to simply 'fucking’.

“Does everything need an explanation?” He sighed, dragging his hand through his hair.

“Not everything. But this does.” I told him. “Things were good until the other day. Has it got something to do with my leg? Does that put you off; make me less attractive?” I asked, suddenly feeling genuinely self conscious about it for the first time since I’d healed.

“You fuckin’ serious? N-now that’s actually the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, and, quote of the day here; let’s be honest, that’s a hard record to break.” He imitated my voice, and I glared at him.

“You’re making it easier for me to walk away, keep going.” I said through clenched teeth.

“This is just a dis-disaster waiting to happen, (y/n). You know that.” He said poignantly. I shook my head in confusion.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

“You and I… we aren’t good together. Let’s just leave it at that. N-no point dragging this out, my mind’s made up.” He told me, gesturing to the door.

“This has come out of nowhere, it seems. I deserve the chance to talk about this, make sense of it.” I argued.

“My mind is made up.” He repeated sternly, giving me a look that was so full of disdain I almost burst into tears. He made a sound of irritation, and turned away, effectively blocking me out as he continued his tinkering.

“Alright,” I said after a long pause of just staring at the back of his head. “Nice knowing you, I guess.” I shrugged, turning on my heel and leaving without a glance back. I was more pissed off than anything, quite happy to leave him and never see him again at that point, completely dumbfounded as to where it had all come from. I deserved better, anyway. The common courtesy of an explanation would’ve been nice, but at the end of the day, Rick Sanchez was Rick Sanchez. He lived on his terms, nobody else’s. If I expected closure, it’d be a damn long time until I got any; it was much easier to just walk away. To accept it all as an experience and move the fuck on.

So that’s what I did. A fortnight later, I found myself in a bar being chatted up by someone who was actually my age. They were pleasant, offered to pay for my drinks, asked questions about myself and appeared to give a damn about my answers, held the door for me on the way out. The perfect gentleman; except for the fact that they were a woman. A tall lady with long red hair that fell in curls down to her hips. Slender hands and high cheekbones, she was all smiles and soft touches; patting my arm whenever I said something she found amusing. She was a stunner, that was for sure. She held my hand in the taxi back to my place, and she was the first to kiss me once shrouded in the privacy of my living room. I’d never been with a woman before, though I’d always had an interest, and I was surprised to find that if felt like the most natural thing in the world. Well, aside from the fact that when those slender fingers slid underneath my shirt and grazed my nipples, I could only think of one person. And he certainly wasn’t a redhead.

I didn’t stop her. I didn’t want to. I urged her over to the sofa, sinking into the cushions as she climbed onto my lap. With a soft hum, she pulled my shirt over my head, let her hands slide back down over the black lace of my bra; which was quickly removed and discarded on the floor. With slightly shaky hands, I did the same to her. She was braless, her breasts were small and pert, and her nipples hardened under my palms. I licked my lips and looked up at her. She gave me this eager little smile.

“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” She said, and my lips parted as I considered my answer. “Female-wise.” She clarified, and I nodded. “Let me make you feel good, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I breathed, closing my eyes as she slid her hand inside my jeans, finding my clit with ease and rolling it under her fingers. I moaned softly, parting my legs wider.

“Mmm, you’re a pretty one.” She whispered, leaning down to press kisses along the side of my neck. It was odd feeling soft skin against me, quite the contrast to the slight roughness that Rick usually brought, depending on how long it’d been since his last shave… I shook his image out of my mind, and ran my hands along the curve of my companion’s waist. I shifted on the sofa, tilting my hips as she picked up the pace. I moaned loader, rolling my head against the back of the sofa.

“Oh God…” I sighed, and she took my jaw in her free hand, covered my mouth with her own. She tasted sweet, her lips felt plump against mine and she kissed with a certain gentleness that left me craving more.

“Let me go down on you, baby. If your pussy tastes as good as your tongue, I’m in for a good night.” She said, a devilish giggle leaving her lips as she slid back, down onto the floor between my legs. She tugged on my jeans, and I lifted my hips to help her remove them. I felt a little self conscious being exposed, but it didn’t last long, because she soon buried her tongue within my folds. She moaned against me, pushing my legs further apart and coming closer. She worked differently to Rick, slower, more deliberate and precise, and I chalked it down to the fact that she was a woman and knew from experience what felt- I stopped myself. I was thinking about him again. I looked down at the woman between my legs and stroked my fingers through her hair. So soft. Nothing like the wild, unkempt-

“Fuck!” I spat, I couldn’t tell if it was out of frustration or pleasure. When she slipped a finger inside me and started rocking it against my g-spot, pleasure definitely won me over. I wailed and bucked, my back arching as she flicked her tongue back and forth. “Ohhh yes, please… k-keep going.” I cried, rocking my hips in time with her movements. She moaned and chuckled against me, adding a second finger.

“Alright, what’s this about, a-are you trying to make me…” A male voice cut through the room, and I opened my eyes with a start to see Rick stepping out of a portal into my living room. He was stunned into silence for a moment at the sight before him. “Jealous.” He finished.

“Rick, what the fuck?” I yelled, bringing my knees up to my chest in a bid to hide myself. Meanwhile my female companion and screamed at the top of her lungs and was now scrambling for her discarded t-shirt, pinning it against her bare chest.

“Shit, I thought I heard another woman but I wasn’t sure; holy shit. Y-y-you didn’t tell me you liked pussy.” He exclaimed. The redhead turned away from Rick and pulled her t-shirt on, giving me a strange look as she did. I could only offer an apologetic smile.

“You heard us?” I asked in confusion, fidgeting uncomfortably, suddenly realising I was completely naked in a room full of fully dressed people.

“Uhh, thanks for a decent night, but I think I’m gonna go…” The lady said, already in her shoes, handbag over her shoulder. She was practically out the door before I could respond, clearly shaken by the interruption. Once she was gone, I turned to glare at Rick. He held his phone up, it was showing a phone call coming from my number. I sighed and reached for my jeans, digging around in the pocket for my phone.

“S-so you didn’t do that on purpose?” He asked.

“Of course I fucking didn’t.” I told him, hanging up the pocket-dialed phone call. “Look away!” I shouted, and he was startled into doing what I asked. I dressed quickly, my hands shaky from unsatisfied arousal.

“Excuse me for thinking you were out to piss me off. W-we hardly parted on the best of terms.” He grumbled. He looked back over at me once I was decent.

“Who’s fault’s that?” I sighed. He rolled his eyes, but I could see he accepted the blame.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright? I know I didn’t handle things well. I-I just… I didn’t want to be around you.” He explained, and I cocked a brow.

“Right, that makes me feel better.” I said, dripping with sarcasm.

“N-not because I dislike you, or anything!” He rushed to amend, sighing heavily as he paused. “I thought it was best to keep you at arms length, okay? And I-I didn’t know the best way to approach- look, I fucked up. What can I say?”

“You can start by telling me what the fuck was going on in your head that day.” I deadpanned. He stared at me for a while then came to take a seat beside me.

“After what happened on Garflugeron, I had to do some- I had to rethink everything. Th-that was supposed to be a pretty relaxing day, you know? Just exp-ex- just looking around, somewhere safe and fun. Something we’d both enjoy.” He told me.

“It was. I enjoyed it. Until the thing with the exploding aliens and the severed foot happened.” I said.

“E-exactly! If that was just a 'fun day out’, a-and that happened… I don’t know. I just realised how much danger I put the people around me in.” He told me, looking down at the floor.

“That’s not like you to think so… responsibly.” I pointed out. It didn’t feel like the right word, but he got the picture.

“I know.” He snorted. “I-I-I just thought, well, if I’m putting this girl in danger… why the fuck do I care? Y-you’re supposed to be a fuck buddy or- or just a hot companion for when Morty’s not around. You’re just as replaceable as everyone else in my life.” He explained, and I shot him an unimpressed look. I gave him a chance though, I wanted to see where he was going with it. “Why do I care?” He repeated.

“Yeah, why do you?” I crossed my arms and waited. He looked up at me, allowing his eyes to roam over my entire being for a while.

“I don’t know. Well, I do know. B-but… it just complicates things, and neither of us need complication. That’s why I broke things off. To keep you safe, and to make both of our lives easier.” He told me, and I narrowed my eyes.

“Do tell.” I prompted, and he gave me a questioning look. “You said you know why you care, tell me.”

“I highly doubt you need me to tell you, (y/n). You’re not stupid.” He scoffed.

“That’s news to me, you hardly make me feel confident in my intelligence, Rick.”

“You know exactly why I care. I’m not saying it out loud, it’s pointless. Pointless and uncomfortable for everyone involved.” He said, getting annoyed, clearly.

“Do you have feelings for me?” I asked. The question didn’t surprise him, it only made his shoulders slump and his expression turn pained.

“Baby, please…” he sighed.

“I know, Rick. I want to hear it.” I softened my voice.

“I’m not- come on. If you know the answer then what. Is. The. Point?” He spat, cheeks flushing slightly. “What’re you going to do with it? I-if I answer.”

“Ugh, Rick. You’re acting like a child. If you aren’t going to speak up, I will. Someone’s got to take the initiative around here.” I said, exasperated. I turned my body to face him before continuing. “I’m attracted to you. And not just because we sleep together, I have genuine feelings for you. It runs deeper than just physical, sexual attraction. There we go, I’ve said my piece. It wasn’t hard.”

Rick looked up at me, pleasant surprise written all over his face. “Oh… is that- I didn’t think-”

“Why not?”

“You’re young. Not to mention into women, apparently.” He snorted. I smirked.

“I can like both.”

“I thought you only stuck with me for the- I mean we have some great sex.” He shrugged. “I didn’t think you wanted anything else from me.”

“Want and expect are two different things. Sex is great… for a while. But sometimes you just need more.” I told him, looking down at my hands. “And I thought you were only interested in sex.”

“Yeah, me too.” He laughed humorlessly, scrubbing a hand over his face as if this whole thing was exhausting. “I was wrong. Realised it the other day and… I-I guess I freaked out. I’m sorry.”

“So you do have feelings for me? That’s confirmed?” I touched his chin, turning his head so he looked at me. His breath hitched, he licked his lips. He moved in for a kiss, but I backed away, giving him a look.

“Yes.” He simply said, after a pause long enough to make me nervous. I let him kiss me then, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled back to move his kisses to my jaw, his teeth coming out to nip at me here and there. I moaned quietly, letting my eyes fall closed as he moved his lips to my neck. “I’m sorry for cock-blocking you… or whatever the female equivalent is.” He mumbled into my neck.

“It’s okay. You can pick up where she left off.” I told him through a smirk.

“Mmm, did you get her number? Call her back over and I’ll hide in the closet and watch.” He teased, sliding his hand under my shirt, rubbing my nipple with his thumb.

“You’d be okay with that? Watching some other woman lay her hands on me?” I asked, reaching a hand to his chest, trailing it downwards until I found the growing bulge in his slacks.

“Somehow that’s way more appealing than watching another man lay his hands on you. Weird, huh?” he said, moaning loudly when I started stroking him. I licked my lips as I felt him grow beneath my palm. Fuck. I needed him.

“Oh, crazy.” I nodded, then reached for his lab coat, pushing it from his shoulders before untucking his shirt, ridding him of that too. I stroked my hands over his chest and trailed one down to the line of hair below his navel, running a single digit down it. He grunted when I stopped just before his erection. His hands were on me, pulling my shirt off, followed by my bra. He kissed his way down to my breasts, bringing each nipple into his mouth one by one, sucking on them so they flushed pink and throbbed with sensitivity. As he worked, he was undoing my jeans and helping me out of them, panties joining them on the floor. For the second time that evening, I was naked before him.

“Ahh, fuck, she got you nice and wet for me.” He murmured as his fingers found my slit. I reached for his belt, unbuckling it before undoing his pants and releasing his hard length. I stroked his cock as he rubbed my clit, and we moaned in unison. He kissed me again, his tongue entering my mouth and flicking mine with playful strokes. He raised his hips, kicking his pants off onto the floor, and I took the opportunity to push him back and climb on top of him. “Yeah, baby, y-you gonna ride my cock? Bounce up and down for me, show me how those tits jiggle?” He said lewdly, hands gripping onto my hips.

“You just sit back and relax, Rick.” I said in a sultry tone, taking his cock in hand and guiding it to my opening. I sunk down onto him, biting down my on lip as that sweet stretch made my heart race. Rick cursed, rolling his head back as my ass met his thighs and he was buried fully inside me. I rocked against him, back and forth, rubbing my clit against his pubic bone. I did this for a while, adjusting to his size while my wetness increased, making every movement deliciously slippery. By the time I started bouncing on his cock, the two of us were panting.

“Fuuck, I can’t wait to blow my load deep inside this glorious pussy of yours. Y-you gonna cum on my cock and milk me dry, hm?” He said, his voice filthy. I nodded my head eagerly. I picked up the pace, riding him now at a moderate speed that worked like magic on my g-spot. He reached around to my ass, holding onto my cheeks as he guided me up and down his length.

“Mm, that’s it. Squeeze my ass. You know I like your hands on me.” I told him, bracing my hands against his chest as I rolled my hips in a circular motion with each thrust.

“I can do one better, baby.” He purred, bringing one hand up to me, he swiped his thumb along my bottom lip before pressing his middle finger inside. I eagerly sucked on the digit, swirling my tongue around it and coating it with spit, I felt a flutter of excitement in the pit of my stomach at the promise of what was to come. He fucked his finger in and out of my mouth, watching me intently and moaning as he did. After a while, he withdrew, and pulled me against his chest. I leaned forward, changing the angle of my movements just so, and Rick was grinding against my g-spot perfectly.

“Ohh, god! D-do it.” I whined, my clit was stimulated in this position too, and the sensation of everything happening at once was both too much and not enough. Rick stroked his wet finger over my back passage, teasing for a while before he breached. I cursed, rocking faster against him, pushing backwards harder as I urged him to go deeper.

“Fuck, baby. Your asshole is so goddamn tight. Y-you gotta let me put my dick in there one day. Shit, I-I’m gonna cum.” He grunted, his free hand moving up to gather my hair, tugging on it slightly, putting just the right amount of pressure on my scalp.

“We’ve been over this. I’ll let you fuck me in the ass the day you let me do the same to you.” I reminded him, and he chuckled, pulling on my hair harder.

“You’re never gonna let that pegging thing go, huh?” He growled, thrusting his finger in and out of my ass. I wailed, rutting against him desperately as I felt my orgasm approach. “You freaky little shit.” He whispered in my ear.

“Aww, fuck! I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum.” I cried, my eyes squeezing shut.

“Yeah, cum on my dick, baby girl. Let me feel you. Ahh, shit that’s it!” He growled into my ear, his gravelly voice bringing me to orgasm. I sobbed in ecstasy as I let go, throbbing around him as wave after wave of mind shattering pleasure swam through me, clouding my brain and destroying any composure I had left. Somewhere along the way, Rick came too, bucking his hips up against me, burying himself as deep as he could, the ache in my belly telling me he was hitting my cervix. The slight pain mingled with the pleasure, drawing it out for longer.

The cloud lifted slowly. I felt completely wrecked; tired and weak with barely any control over my limbs. Still, I threw my arms around Rick’s neck and put everything I had left into a kiss. I raised my hips, lifting off of him and immediately feeling his seed flood out of me. I moaned at the sensation, breaking the kiss and rolling my head back.

“Ahh, Jesus Christ. L-let’s never stop doing that, yeah?” He said breathlessly.

“Fine by me.” I chuckled. “I’ll hold you to that next time your feelings scare you.”

“Shit, record me saying it.” He snorted. His arms dropped from my body and he laid limp against the sofa. I did the same against his chest as I caught my breath.

“God, we made a mess, didn’t we?” I noted, feeling the stickiness between my legs and on the backs of my thighs.

“Best kind of mess.” He replied, seeming unphased.

“Come take a bath with me.” I said, pressing a number of kisses to his jaw. His response was a lazy grunt. “Let’s go. Before we get cum all over my sofa.” I said, climbing off of him and tugging on his hand. Finally, he gave in, hoisting himself up with a groan.

“I’m getting too old for this, you wear me out.” He complained, though the smirk on his face told me he was far from bothered.

“Do you need me to give you a sponge-bath, grandpa?” I teased as I led him by the hand to the bathroom. He pinched my ass in retaliation.

“Y-you can cut that the fuck out.” He hissed. After a pause, he added. “But uh, jokes aside, that’d actually be pretty nice.”

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 1 - “Karma is a Nasty Old Woman”  - JG

This season began the night of December 8th with a cast reveal, but the game was already afoot before that. Players had the opportunity to earn an extra trip to hunt for the idol by reading the rules. Heather, August, Aundra, JG, Rebecka, Tara, and Vi all took advantage of this opportunity!

The pre-merge buffs were also revealed, with the tribes called Iolaire and Saorsa.

And then the game began.

The first immunity challenge was posted, which you can check out here:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168340626526/tribal-immunity-1-isle-relay

Introductions have been made, and everyone seems nice so far!

Consider me the f*%# overwhelmed. I’m trying to make personal connections but clearly that isn’t going too well. The challenge seems scary. I’m dying. Someone help!

I am SCARED. I have to establish all new relationships and I’m pretty shook about it.

Everyone seems so nice. I can deal with the challenges but I'm a bit scared. I don't want to mess up so early in the game.

Man, I forgot how the start of orgs are so busy. Everyone seems pretty nice so far but I swear I won't learn their names until at least merge. If we have merge that is. After that I'll have to relearn. Hopefully we all make it to merge so I don't have to relearn anything. This challenge is pretty bad though. Slow internet will make this a pain

Ok so I love my Tribe so far! The first immunity challenge came so fast but I'm glad that our team came together to figure out who's doing what. Also JG is coming in clutch with that advantage.

So I’m not sure how to feel about being on a tribe with Rebecka, she might be bitter, or she might be happy to have someone she knows. As for me if I can’t find anyone else ill try that connection, for now I just need to keep communicating.

This game is so different from azores (shout to everyone from that game) the vibes are completely different. probably because im completely different but yah im really enjoying this tribe rn we have team work down and dont seem like a bad group of people. only thing is i signed up to do the logic puzzle thing and im not that smart 

omg this seems like a nice little tribe, its interesting be surrounded by new players to this like myself :') im not outta place, also it seems like being the oldest i hope everyone will be able to rely on me and my knowledge :D on the flip side with everyone being new it's sure to lead to some confusion in challenges hopefully i'll be able to give them some guidance and lead us to some wins :) also i fully expect to have bad luck doing the moors crap but yolo and may as well try right? 

So the LoIaire tribe decided to do a call but it turned into me, Stephen and JD talking about videogames fjksskskd. I hope people don't think we're an alliance already! Fingers crossed.

my tribe is full of nerds

but i'm a fan of it

So the em peeps - me, Tara and august - made an alliance right off the back. I'm already lying to them like I did my previous org. Who said I was gonna do random voting this time again? O well, time to play a wolf in sheep's clothing and hope not to get picked to shear. That would be terrible. It's really cold and this wool is really warm. We're basically ignoring the other chat since they're in a group call and geeking out about stuff. I don't know. I zoned out bc I didn't understand what they were saying. Hopefully I'll be able to start my plan of seducing them with pictures of my pets soon.

I'm not sure if it will be an advantage or disadvantage but while searching the Moors, I found a twist that will be revealed at merge! Now I just have to do is survive until then... tune in nextime kids

Cool tribe.  Trying to prove my crappy helpfulness in this collecting challenge since i'm godawful at puzzles. Also, tara went ahead an made a stupid fast f3 with me and infinity, and i told them my searches which sealed the deal. Also like JG and Ain, seem like pretty cool dudes, hoping to work with em'. This moor twist is really neat, but i also feel like everything already found already, but whatever. 

Tara is pretty cool. She's nice and I think we can work together

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

We love early alliances YES WE DO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cch6Q-ItmQE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Vto9iHwVY&t=2s hope this works haha

kay so the tea is that I’m aligning with Madison and Olivia. Olivia is super sweet and super trustworthy, so I am aiming to keep her close for awhile. Madison vibes with me but she seems very intelligent and very much so willing to stab me in the back. I’ll keep an eye on her. I am hoping these two allies will be able to at least get me through the first few votes. Who knows? {note: I’ll be submitting video confessionals soon after more happens}

haven't talked to rebecka at all yet but love her video calling me late at night to show n complain about her broken tooth! an icon! can't wait to see more of her this season. hope her medical bills aren't too expensive

So Luke and I have been skyping for 3 1/2 hours and I am so glad we have chosen each other! We have plans of who we each are going to talk to and who we want in our alliance. He is going to try and get close to Madison and AnnMarie and I am going to try and get close to Skip, and Dr. Mike Jake. Sarah at this point is a big question mark and Heather is in between and we'll keep her close enough but we both think that she will either be a good meat shield or a threat that we should take out pre merge. The other Jake we are both going to try to get close to as well. Hopefully we can have the majority no matter how it goes. Maddy told us that she is close with Rebecca on the other tribe which was probably a big mistake so we have to keep an eye out for that. She also told Luke about a secret map that she found at the moors! She lied when I asked if she found anything about it. Luke said there was a phrase that you could send to the hosts about this secret map so we both sent it in. Sarah, Heather, Luke, and I formed an alliance that they think will go all the way but I think Luke and I may have other plans. I trust Luke implicitly and I know he trusts me! Hopefully our plan works out.

3 and a half hours later, Olivia and I are going strong on Skype planning and scheming for the whole game. I exposed Madison after learning she is also close with Jake (* ^w^*). We are definitely targeting Heather at some point, for she is the least trustworthy of them all. I’m planning on trying to win over AnnaMarie and Madison’s votes and Olivia is going to win over Jake (* ^w^*) and Trip. Hopefully by controlling two people each, we will have the majority in any potential vote. Needless to say- I will trust and advocate for Olivia until the end. I believe in our ability to take out the rest of our tribe and come merge time lay low. She’s writing a confessional right now as well, I hope it’s not about how she’s going to eliminate me lmao.

Also- Heather said in her intro video that she isn't afraid to backstab people and she kept going on about how much she loves acting! She also wouldn't really say anything when we talking about future plans so HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HER! I know I've already made two so this is the last one lol.

Things seem to be going well, I have talked to everyone, excluding Rebecka, and get along well, so far there are few people talking strategy, but that suits me fine for now.

I am so happy that the game finally started. The Saorsa tribe gives off really great vibes to me and I hope that is a good thing. I feel like I've made connections with almost everyone, but it is really nerve wracking because you never know who felt a connection with you. I feel I got pretty close to Madison, Lukas, Olivia and a few others. I just hope we can win Immunity so I dont have to send anybody home

I am very nervous for the competition. None of us really know Sarah and if she doesn't  show up, it's going to suck for the tribe. I don't want to be known as the weakest link for the tribe because my partner for the challenge didn't work. 

So I reveled I have a 10% advantage, hopefully that doesn't kill me off but oh well. So far so good. Tara and I have been bonding over BTS and I think I'm gonna try getting us to f2 since I like her the best out of everyone so far. Maybe she'll back stab me but that's okay too as long as she gets into f3 ^-^. I hope not though, that would be completely and utterly sad. (I do think she knows what I'm playing at since she watched my first org and I'm basically redoing that. She's trying to help me right now at least)

So I went to the moors for the first time and I’m really excited to be playing. This game going to be good and I know it going to have plenty of twist in it. Also I’m really liking Tara form like day one we vibes and we started talking and she’s pretty cool. Another also I feel like one of those older wise people because a lot of the peopel on my tribe are newbies and that makes me feel somewhat more safe in this game. 

So I misread my hidden advantage/disadvantage. What it actually says is that it will be revealed at a tribe swap and not merge. Also, Ive been mapping out all the locations and places explored in The Moors and concluded that Ain has the idol that was in the pit she fell in. For now I'm going to try and befriend her more so that we can be allies or have her reveal and flush an idol. My crossword chellenge is upcoming and I've been studying Survivor terminology so I don't flop!

I really like Jake and Maddie. I really want to start having a good strong alliance with them later on in the game. I love everyone's dogs as well.

Trip is sure he blew the logic puzzle. I feel bad for the kid and I definitely don't want to target him or anything over it and I want to make sure other people don't do that as well. I've been reading up battleship strategies online and about how to read people and poker tells and whatnot and that either makes me the biggest dumbass in the world to think that any of the advice might help or it makes me more prepared than my opponent. Can't tell at this point. He says he can't do the challenge today so we have to wait all the way until tomorrow. That'll either give me more time to be prepared or it'll give me just enough time to overthink and freak myself out. Either is likely at this point. I tried talking to AnnMarie some like Luke and I planned and she seemed pretty receptive until I suggested videochatting and she didn't respond but I'm not sure if she is doing her puzzle right now or if I just scared her off.

oh also Trip and I talked this morning which was great. Hopefully people don't talk to one another and say "oh hey has Olivia been talking to you" because if they do then they may think I'm playing too hard which at this point I'm probably over-doing it but I am just so excited

So Tim has told me that he has an advantage from the moors that will be reveal at the tribe swap. I believe him because even if hes lying it means he wants me to trust him so we work together. Looking ahead I think Tim, Tara, and I would make a good team, of course we’d need more numbers but it all depends on the connections we make, people’s performance in the challenge, and how people act if we go to tribal.

Found a special path in the moors, but even though I’m not getting anything from it, I’m getting a bunch of friends by telling other people. I told the alliance of me/infinity/ and Tara about it and I’m pretty sure that was the mortar that’s holding the house together. Also gave the info to Tim, hoping to work close with him, seems to be a pretty straightforward guy. He asked who else I gave the info to which I replied a solid “sorry can’t say” but I think it’ll go fine as long as that stuff doesn’t come up any longer.

Madison found a special path in the Moors, where she could receive a vote revealing advantage if she created an alliance with the two players she trusted the least, who she ranked as Jake S. and Sarah.

To do this, she opted to tell the tribe that she had to make an alliance with “random” players for a potential trial advantage. She succeeded, and was given a necklace which would reveal all votes cast at a tribal council, to be played until the final 7.

Hopefully honesty is the best policy. 

Ok so its Day 2 and i completed my immunity challenge pretty fast in my opinion... but this is whats happening... August told me about the third path in Moors but he said that i wasn't the only one that knew about it. Later Tara got caught searching in The Neist and August said that he told Tara about it but Tara said that's not true... Im on to you August.. lets just wait for the immunity results...👀

So Tim has told me even more information about the Moors, and a secret location called the Neist that August found. This makes me trust him more and feel more comfortable working with him, but it also means I have to work on my connection with August if the three of us are going to work together TimHoly shit things are going downnn. So August and Tara are actually allies and Im the third. And originally, we were the only 3 that knew about the Neist. But I rushed and thought I was getting played so I told Stephen... EVERYTHING about the Neist including the locations already searched... I messed up big time! ( Or maybe not? 👀)

omg so i hate august!!! first thing he messages me in the game is that we shouldn't tell ppl that we know eachother and we should try to seem distant because we know eachother from epicmafia n then he goes blabbing his mouth n telling ppl that he told me all this info! like where and when is that a smart thing to do august?? before i even knew he did that tim confronts me n is like hey do u know august, did august tell u this, and me trying to b a good friend to august is like yaa no sorry! but like ugh! august needs better communication bcos if the first thing he messages me is "HAHAHA SHHH SHHH WE DON'T KNOW EACHOTHER" i'm gonna expect that hes gonna try keep distant! then he goes blabbing some more n tells tim about drama that happened in our last org like hmm interesting... um but ya august is gonna b first boot! bye girl! 

So today in the Moor I came across a skeleton that “had a ring of bones unmarked from where a necklace once was”. This to me is a mess. Who on earth has already gone down this exact path and #snatched the necklace from me? Anyway, I messaged my main sis Olivia and devised a plan, then ran it by Madison as well. In the tribe chat, I openly said I have a “gem that could boost the power of a necklace that once rested there” which is complete BS. I am hoping someone takes the bait and messages me about having a necklace of such, and then I can expose them. 

Also- Madison entrusted me with the knowledge that she has a power that can reveal everyone’s votes at a certain tribal. I may just keep this to myself, because up until now all info I’ve received in the game I’ve shared. 

THE MOORS ARE CRAZY AND I KIKE THE RIDDLES AND THE HINTS AND IVE ONLY BEEN ONCE BUT I CANT WAIT TO GO TOMORROW. THE PUZZLE IS VERY HARD AND I STRUGGOED AT FIRST AND I HOPE the tribe isn't going to tribal council.

Tara came to me freaking out. I had told both her and Tim about the special path and Tim was like “ I bet they’re aligned” so Tara made up a lie saying I didn’t tell her. I tried to solve the problem by just being outright honest, but I’m still annoyed. Tim is far too paranoid to work with. 

ok so it seems as though as suspected some areas of our challenges were a bit rushed in decision and now i think it could be a big fat L but sometimes you win sometimes u lose, that said i hope the effort i put into my part shows im here to win, outside of that i've made more social connections with olivia and some others :) that open alliance announcement was a shock to me kinda made me laugh, looks like the 3 may be working together to get the moors solved so i'll have to keep on it

I'm a comp flop and i hope that doesnt make me a target. I havent talked to a few people and I'm going to get on that. 

Ok so everyone sucked today at the challenges (I still love them) and it is kinda looking like I am our last hope. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also it turns out the whole tribe is gonna watch?! what???!!! Feeling better every second out the firm alliance between Luke and I though. At the Moors I took a harness and hid it in a place where another harness already was so I am gonna try and be first when it comes to going to the Moors tomorrow. Luke found a skeleton without a necklace there meaning someone has the necklace. He told the tribe and AnnMarie just told him privately she had to tell him something about the moors AND NEVER RESPONDED. The second (not Canadian) Jake seemed like he might pull through and be an active participant but its not looking too likely. Sarah is still inactive so unless the other tribe sucked more than us she will probably go home Monday. Also I am supposed to talk to the Canadian Jake but idk how to talk to that guy! and trip too! Like I never know what to say but I am going to keep trying because Luke is making good progress with Maddi and with AnnMarie. We both gotta be careful and include Heather because if not that could be dangerous. 

JUST GOT SOME MAJOR TEA FROM CANADIAN JAKE WOOOHOOO!!! I was asking him about Canada and he told me that if I take the harness back to camp it leads to more paths. I told him this made me trust him a lot. Not exactly true but not false either. He could be playing me but hopefully this is securing a bond.

Hi I’m Aundra and I’m stupid af. I picked to do the logic challenge knowing I’m stupid af. then announced to the tribe that I’m thinking about quiting being stipid af. now I’m stuck looking stupid af

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KvsH2lWN3Y

4 hours and 20 min later I finally finish my part of the challenge I’d like to thank Ali for helping me through when I was about to quit and Kermit I’d also like to say if we lose it won’t be my fault fully because people have gotten 10% disadvantages on the team so our odds are low but the grave I’ve dug for my self is bigger than the possible 20% I think we have agonist us 

LukasJust a lil update for the girls. Madison told me about her magnifying glass, but apparently she hasn’t told anyone else. I’m going to keep this to myself from Olivia otherwise I will have nothing to keep secret for myself, and that just seems wrong. I staged a text conversation with my boyfriend and sent it to Heather about her dog and how it’s totally the next big meme. Heather ate it up as expected, and now I feel like I have an in with her. Aside from my core 4 alliance, I really don’t know where anyone else’s head is at and they all are lackluster communicators. 

Ok so Maddi, Heather, and myself had about an hour long chat (mostly) about the game tonight. We agreed that the four of us (us 3 + Luke) should definitely stick together and although it’s definitely possible, it’s probably unlikely that the other four players have their own alliance. My fears about heather were mostly assuaged because when Maddi left she voiced her concerns about Maddi and her connections to the other side and she revealed to me that she trusts me the most (which is obviously great). Now I have two people that trust me the most out of anyone. (Only one I feel the same about) As long as I’m in this game I won’t forget heather’s intro video and her statement about how she is more than willing to backstab. The relationship between trip and I seems to be going well (albeit a little slow) while my relationship with AnnMarie is kind of nonexistent but it’s only been two days. I don’t trust Jake S. At all. He said he hadn’t been to the moors yet?? Fishy to me. The battleship showdown is tomorrow. Survivor gods be kind, let it go well. 

The idol is already out there on day THREE. Im assuming either Vi or August has it but I'm leaning towards August.. If we lose immunity then I may have to spark up the game and vote out the idol holder either that or have thr idol work in my favor. I'm on to you August and Vi and your friend Ain too! You may have had us do your dirty work of finding the idol but I'll get the last laugh. Know That. StephenSo Tim thinks someone has found the idol based on what he found in the moors and I’m inclined to agree, but it worries me how fast things are moving, im hoping we win immunity so theres time for things to settle down and for people to relax. At the same time chaos is a good way to find out who you can trust.

https://youtu.be/RSSBtWKMfiU

I'd be very very surprised if we win immunity, especially since our tribe has members with a 5% and 10% disadvantage, and some members of our tribe who have yet to complete their challenge or never will? InfiniVi has a 10% advantage so maybe that will help balance it all out. Regardless, I think I'm in a safe spot on my tribe and I am confident in my challenge time and Im hope Stephen and JG does well so cheers to that?? 

I didn't notice a small wording difference which  changes my time in logic puzzle from very low to over 3 hours and 40 minutes. I am worried if we lose this challenge I could be sent home, but hopefully if so Sarah is thrown under the bus. I mean they haven't even been here! Everybody else is so nice and cool, I love my tribe!

Well I had a very nice conversation with Vi and Tara (seperately) and August your game is donezo. We know about your idol/advantage and you lost your potential allies' trust in the process. If only you'd kept Neist point a secret. Fear not, we can still use you as a number and you can be one of the many strings I pull as I become Sole Survivor. Ciao!

Hour and a half before battleship. The tribe seems excited to cheer me on. They all seem to think it rests solely on me. But if they all lost then we’re already fated to go to tribal, no? Irregardless, it would be a good moral victory. I’m trying to decide how to come across when I go head to head with the other tribe. Strategic? If so he may figure out that my ship placement strategy wasn’t just random. Wholesome and nonthreatening? It may help out now but they may think I’m not quite smart should I make it to the merge. Maybe that’s a good thing idk. I’m only certain of one thing however and that is that I’m definitely overthinking this. I watched my opponent’s intro video. He is into Star Wars and humanitarianism. Maybe I can pander to that so he doesn’t feel threatened. Battleship is mostly a game of luck but anything I can do that might be an advantage is worth it.

So so so, so much has happened I don't know where to start. The alliance between Tara, August and I basically is down to Tara and I and August as the third wheeler. He has betrayed our trust and so we're going to pretend to be nice to him. Also there is a 85% chance of him having the idol. Tim accused me of having it but jokes on him, I would have screamed it in the main chat since it's rare for me to get lucky with anything. Anyways I think I'm gonna go place some tension between a couple people and see how that blows up in my face. I know it will bc that's my luck also

I got more updates on the drama. Tim is a bas-cough- sneaky little no legged lizard. Can't believe he told Tara to go to the cauldron even tho Ain told him that it held a disadvantage right before that. Hehehe the boys - August, Tim and Stephen - are gonna regret it the moment the girls line up too.

Olivia is a QUEEN AND WON A SECTION FOR US IN THE RELAY. SLAY ME

Im not sur if im allowed to curse but where in the world are these ships!!! Hello????

My fav player won their challenge I am so proud of her. She will win first for sure calling it now.

JG seems like a fun guy, but we havent talked much. In his challenge he kept changing his pattern, which I’m not sure was a good idea, but that might just be hindsight.

https://youtu.be/nk5jBYqnYwI

We are going to lose because I suck at puzzles 

HOLY SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just won the battleship challenge and I feel OH so relieved. So much has happened today I hope I don't forget to write it here. Ok so I was included into the one viewing lounge which was cool as shit but I didn't know anyone but hopefully I can be included in this community going forward because everyone seems so cool. Trip and Canada jake both told me their moor experience which hopefully shows trust. And after I won the challenge Trip said I should be captain. It was sweet, but hopefully no one takes that to mean I am the leader because I sure as shit do not want that. Even though I feel like I am in a bit of a power position with Luke right now, I do not want anyone else to know and I certainly don't want people to think I am the captain because those people always get targeted (see: ben this current tv season). Apparently I mentioned that Luke was the only one that knew the coordinates for battleship and when Luke told me I did that I about shit myself because we don't want people finding out how close we are. Hopefully none of the players caught on. Luke told me that Heather told him that she got a 10% advantage in the first individual immunity challenge, and she didn't tell me that until she told the fab four collectively which concerns me because yesterday she told me she trusts me the most. I started individually messaging her so hopefully I can keep that trust. We get the tribal results tonight and hopefully we won so we can keep the Sarah buffer going forward. People were calling me an icon today and I don't really agree but it made me like so happy I could do something for the tribe and everyone was so nice after I won like I was so emotional reading the messages. I know this is a game but I like everyone so much and I'm so grateful I got this tribe. oh also Jake S. hasn't been responding (like usual) and I am just overall concerned about him and whether or not he has an idol. Besides that, I am just so happy with how today played out. Sorry for the long ass confessional lol.

Oh and also I love Heather but with the individual messaging I wasn't sure how to start it so I mentioned the walking dead, her favorite show, which I have literally never seen except for when people reblog stuff about it on my tumblr. I literally only had my tumblr knowledge to go on to carry that convo but it seemed to work and she seemed to buy it. I feel bad lying but like I need to talk to her more and I needed an ice breaker lol.

I’m currently trying to secure my alliance with Madison. Whilst I don’t 100% trust her and would like to see her gone before the merge, I want her to think she is my #1. To do this, I’m asking her if I should branch out to Annamarie. She agreed, so I made a group chat with them. This is not so much to control Annamarie but more to let Madison think I’m hopeless without having her in my convos. Hopefully I’m not coming on too strong. 

holy shit that was the worst puzzle i've ever had the misfortune of trying to piece together im so happy its over

Iolaire won the first immunity challenge, sending Saorsa to tribal council

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168413432616/tribal-immunity-1-results

Im literally shakingggg. We won the first immunity so no first boots from our tribe! I think we were lucky that someone from the other tribe got a strike, otherwise, im uncertain how things would have ended up. There was a plan to blindside August and the idol but we'll have to put it on hold!

So glad we won, there has been a little drama and while I was confident I wouldn't be going home I'm glad we get time to settle down and talk more. I want to make sure I can get Tara, JG, and Rebecka on side, if we can flush or blindside August's idol I'll feel mch better.

omg, close ass challenge it seems like this was alot closer than i anticapated, i expected a loss in the logic but holy we almost wonf if not for sarah thats crazy, but i mean its hard to win with an afk, at least its an easy vote, another loss may not result in so, so we gotta get that motivation and grab the bull by the horns and win !!!

I'm so proud of Trip and Olivia for winning but I am also soooo pissed. If Sarah would have tried I truly think we would have had a chance.

Honestly I'm kinda pissed that Sarah never submitted cause we had it in the bag. I failed pretty hard with the puzzle, but I'm hoping to do better next time. I found a freaking path in the moors, no advantage, no hint. I'm trying to get around, trying to talk to everyone, especially madison, lucas, and olivia. I'm very comfortable with them and I feel that we'd be a good alliance once the game gets SERIOUS. I got drafted twice and I'm gonna cry I'm so happy

DAMNNN we have to go to tribal. Whilst I am sad about this, it won't be too sad seeing Sarah go (hopefully). After seeing the draft results as well, I think I am going to make Madison my #1 considering how liked she is by the VL. She must be a good person. Also, since she has history of the game- it would make sense to align with her over Olivia.

So Rebecka has finally communicated, was worried she had a grudge from Athena, but I know she's going through some things, hopefully she is better now. I do want to work with her, but I would be worried that she is more inclined to work against me than with me, hopefully I can work with her, she's a loyal person and I can use that.

Aye it’s my first confessional!! I’ve kinda been laying low from the start cuz I’ve been very busy in real life but I think everyone on my tribe is cool! I think this rounds tribal should be easy considering we have a 100% inactive but in survivor who knows what’ll happen.. I’m also not aligned with anyone at this point. I’m just chillin. But it’s a bummer we lost so hopefully someone reaches out to me soon! 

Jake just told me we are meant to be allies. I asked for his advise and he said he is there to help me, which is good for any future plans. I'm not sure if Heather trusts me the most anymore, but I know she thinks I'm right. I still have Luke 100% and hopefully tomorrow I can secure Trip more. Tomorrow is an easy vote day and Luke and I are going to use this opportunity to lay low and just trust build. Hopefully all goes to plan. Should we lose another immunity, we have a tentative plan in place. But hopefully, we won't get there.

I cant believe I somehow won my challenge even though I made a horribly dumb mistake! If my original assumption was right since we both won me and Olivia should have nothing to worry about. We all know who is going this tribal though. It would surprise me if it was not unanimous.

I’m glad I’m not going to be the first boot! A personal achievement. MadisonI’m super concerned about the advantage possibilities NOT GONNA LIE. And Jake S is sketchy. And Trip is playing hard wtf? Also I’m concerned that i was DRAFTED SO MUCH WTF. Like I’m happy but also I’m v concerned that people think I’m way more of a threat than I am. 

Honestly from yesterday to rn I read every single message over 3 times and  I still don't understand anything that people messaged me. I had to write this over 3 times since I'm so dizzy and brain dead from not sleeping and finals. I feel absolutely nothing atm and so  I can't tell if people are trying to screw me over or not. O well. I'm not that sad that we won, I don't know the other tribe so whatever.

Wow. So tribal's tonight and I'm mega excited. I can't wait to see how it goes and what question the judges ask and see who people voted for. I feel that this is an easy vote, but it's impossible to know what everyone is thinking. I'm excited for the next round and see what challenges the judges come up with. Overall, this first round has been incredible, especially since this is my first time playing, and I'm ecstatic to see what's next.

Well tribal is not too far away. I voted for Sarah, I'm hoping and guessing everyone else did too. Canada Jake's nickname for me is Moose, how freaking adorable is that. I love that guy. Today was supposed to be just a simple trust building day and then Trip blew that up lmao. I wonder if I tell Canada Jake that Trip excluded him if he would maybe get on board with what we need him to. I'm finding myself thinking way too far in advance when I just need to focus on what is happening now. With every move I imagine 1,000,000 different repercussions and how it could lead to me getting voted out. I want to go far so badly but I worry I won't make it past episode two. Just gotta take it one step at a time I guess.

This is probably my 100th confessional of the season (It's day 4), but Im totally enjoying my day off! We don't have to worry about going to tribal and losing a member of our team! What worries me though is that once the other tribe eliminates their inactive player, we'll be doomed at the next immunity.

Dang k9trip is salty at the moment. Rushing tribal to the extreme.

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

An alliance of Vi, Tara, and August was created on Iolaire.

An alliance called “Secret Tribe F5″ between Heather, Trip, Lukas, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

An all-girls alliance between Heather, AnnMarie, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

At tribal council, Sarah was eliminated in a unanimous vote:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168443384851/tribal-council-1-saorsa

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Well parents of kids kidnapped around or before 1996

Obviously you need to go get that DNA4U because now 26 years later we worked with kidnappers to kidnap your children and murder some.

And we didn't know. Now the CIA had full back up and they were allowing this exploration. But it was a real and serious threat.

I've never called off a stint or role-playing ever unless there was real danger.

I've refused to play even if they said "just do this for me this way"

"No, absolutely not am I entering an area they're prepared, Been dreaming and wanting to kill any of us for any amount of time more than a week. I wouldn't let you in an environment like that, i wont let me".

If they said "bust and arrest or kill immediately" that was a totally different job.

But we use "we're fine, it's pretend practice" to regain our strength. Were gonna be safe to override fear when it's real.

"We done this it's good"

Anxiety/panic attacks are the alert system. Its like looking down in the Earth, drawing a red circle in a certain area and saying "this area is in danger"

Then all living creatures, humans and cats, deer, tigers and cows feel anxious.

Its the Univere Alert System to keep you safe.

Random anxiety for no reason, someone or something nearby intends to or will incidentally harm you at any time.

So the deeper the panic the deeper the danger.

So it says "to stop this feeling do something different"

Rhetta last night says they talked about staying in and the panic attacks started, blowing up two vans in the parking lot created calm steadiness.

Sometimes it will induce rage which is just like a brain body orgasm for danger.

So the world wants you to live so it will tell your body to respond appropriately. So it makes sure you keep it alive.

"I have anxiety I can't leave the house today" well maybe a bird flies in your path you swerve to avoid it and end up in a ditch\creek and no one finds you for a week.

So while we don't understand it's frustrating and annoying and scary.

Now with Tree we can say "why do i feel like this? I just want to see my soulmate"

"Oh 3 other people are going to try to kill you if you do, don't worry"

Its happened. To me. A lot. Up to 692 people just for that. For love on Earth. My planet. (And some of yours-other planets read)

785 wanted to kill Alex, all at the same time.

Shit finding a store that doesn't have anxiety alerts is one step. Then finding the route at a specific time.

"No you're stuck in the house till 3 am unless you want to die then you can go anywhere"

"That's when i start work then"

Sometimes a direct question is easier. Usually is, actually.

"I been watching you for 3 weeks now trying to go to the store and leave the house everyday Armageddon old ways and you do good, but why don't you just ask the tree? Its easier he's in the closet. Here look I'll show you" said Mark

What the tree said gave me anxiety attack. I couldn't go at that time. No one But Mark could. I had a seperate time i could only go with Alex during.

"She do not go alone. You understand. She will or might does. She must go with Alex no one else. Not even Saint Luches. They see her with Saint Luches then you die"

"I get it"

"Why what's going on?"

"You get it. Something to do with Don Pablo, none of your concern" then he walks in the closet and shuts the door!

He was proving a point how i was left out of the discussions on plan of attacks and Mark himself made the most mistakes. "Now what if i don't come back out and tell her? Huh? She think I'm joking and doesnt take serious. Already she's smiling and laughing. I ain't joking. Peek a boo" this tree played peekaboo with me. Been raped 86 times, murdered 749 people and i was delighted to be played peekaboo with a Tree. Like a toddler.

So listen to it as a guide.

Unlike hypothetical answers we have been doing, just prizes... Etc

This is nearly the same ... Anxiety occurs when we do the quizzes which is why we make them and give prizes.

Then you can fool yourself, tell yourself you're wrong and give yourself anxiety. I do. But i still know im right, so i plow on. So my soulmate helps me.

"No you're right babe, it's fine" i always wondered who said that. Those the best words in the world. All this pressure I put on myself goes away. My everyday hero. It happens everyday nearly. Especially writing. Most then.

We know anxiety comes for tests and so that is why we give prizes. And we do random. So someone got a ring doorbell, you don't want one. So you skip it because that's the prize for that question. But it's not. Its the prize you deserve for that question, if it was especially hard. Or you had a bad day or your workweek is gonna be hectic and the day it comes in the mail you really need that bath bubble set. The Tree gives the gifts because he knows you and your life.

When we designed this in 2008 we said "you know what we need?! Perfection! Perfect gift for every perfect performance of every perfect person!" at the same time.

"Well, I'm gonna give the gifts as i see fit so it fits their lifestyle better"

"Okay...?"

"More expensive is what i meant. They need to treat themselves better. Trust me, i know that now. I'll go to my grave knowing that if i die before the world gets better."

"Get out of your grave! You won't die anytime soon! They can be expensive as you want! Just get out of the grave!"

"You mean that? I'll pay! I won't come out till you tell me you mean that!"

"I mean..."

His head popped out

"You"

Went back Down "I'm not coming out I'm not kidding. I'll die down here! I won't drink water! I'm putting up an umbrella, making it rain and I'll be dry as a bone down here! See???" He was soaking wet. "Oh i guess i was just kidding"

I laughed and giggled so hard for 87 full minutes and a half.

Life will get better.

Take DNA4U to calm your souls, in the end. I know it's anxiety but take time to listen to your body and words of your mind. Or talk to a tree.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Indie

Rio: Are you sitting comfortably? Rio: Because I have POTENTIAL GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE Indie: im cotched baby ✌✌ come thru Indie: whats good? Rio: I found a place Rio: well, Buster did but 'low letting him get all the credit Rio: The lady just rang and said I can go see it at 4 Indie: IS IT??? omf dats so sick Indie: who did mckenna have to mesh like? Indie: bring me w i can leave school rn Rio: Yeah, I know right Rio: Jammy sod but we're well in with a chance as long as it's not like, nothing like the pics Rio: it's a bit outta the 24 but still only a bus ride in so Rio: [Sends said pics] What you think girl?! Indie: hes gon be flexin for days b ready for that 😂😏😂 Indie: bitch we movin up Indie: that place is bare hectic Indie: like a real madness Indie: 😍😍😍😍💖💖👑👑 Rio: 😏 Nothing out the ordinary then Rio: Yeah? I really like it too Rio: I'll swing by, say you've got dentist, whatever Rio: One of the rooms got an en-suite and everything like, no queues for the bathroom what Indie: this got me some type of way Indie: im hyped Indie: they gon let me keep 🐶 w us tho?? Rio: It didn't say nah so we're keeping it quiet but not not bringing him obvs Rio: keep up his training it ain't gonna be an issue, like Indie: BITCH WHAT IS THIS FEELIN Indie: tryna recognise it Indie: buzzin Rio: 🙌🙌🙌 Rio: I got a good feeling about it, it's near St Stephen's green like so Bomber can have walks and not have to worry about glass and shit everywhere Indie: bout to happy cry all up in this lesso Indie: n Indie: i can take my younger w too Rio: I love you babe Rio: it's gon' be so much better and Drew ain't got no claims or no key this time Rio: exactly, Ro be way more hyped letting her in these ends Indie: how this real?? it feels jokes Indie: heads are 👀ing me & i aint care Indie: ya girl havin some emotions step off it Rio: That's what I kept saying man Rio: like such an idiot like what, is this real life, nah, not me 😂 Rio: serious, they ain't know we living the good life, gotta go Indie: ITS HOW YOUR MANS BE LIVIN 💸💸💸 Indie: imma lips him Indie: soz bout it Rio: 😂 I'll let you live, you highkey in your emotions Rio: 'bout him though Rio: you're okay if he wanna live there too, when he comes for Uni? Rio: He doesn't have to, not like they don't have a house, not that far away, like Indie: babe you kno i aint tryna borrow your garms big love but like daddy delivers in all them ways and aint none of us vexiin Indie: he gotta respect my 🐶 mans but if they bros then yeah Rio: Yeah? Rio: Good Rio: we can do it on our own regardless but it'll be easier if he twos it Rio: and obvs, I want him there, ew 😜 Indie: imagine if you be like nah mckenna pay dem bills & dont be comin round 😂😂😂 Indie: its chill fr he aint no wasteman i be tryna avoid Indie: he havin his daddy moment Rio: Ain't tryna be that kinda daddy like soz taking away all dem perks Rio: Rude 😂 Rio: He loves you too, babe Indie: ri we all been knew what kinda wifey you gon b 😂😏😏😂 Indie: he comes for my gaming shit he getting merked tho keep that discipline fo yoself in your bed Rio: Hush child 🤐😏 Rio: Double hush, I don't even know if he 'bout that life so you safe Rio: though challenge him at ur own risk I ain't being part of that 🙄 Indie: thats how it gon b i 👀 Indie: i got a serious q but i aint tryna bring the mood ⬇ Rio: Seen not heard, with you? Doubt that 😉 Rio: go for it Indie: drew cant stop me innit Indie: like for real Rio: I don't see how, like Rio: who's he going to to 'fight' for you Rio: where's his case for us not looking after you/him ever doing it Indie: ✌✌✌✌✌ Indie: he probs not even gon show but Indie: he always coming to take me from home wen i was lil u kno Rio: I know baby Rio: but he never could keep you Rio: and lbr you gonna be actual grown soon, he really ain't got a leg to stand on, I promise, even if he comes through chattin' Indie: i love you Indie: more than Rio: I love you too, it's gonna be so legit, promise Rio: all the shit we liked from our old, but better too Indie: true man we did the most but that yard was clapped Indie: it was a time & imma miss it but this b a better one Indie: a fucking extra hype era or some shit Rio: 👑 Rio: that's the vibe Rio: can bring the 24 realness with without the bullshit, yeah Indie: innit tho Indie: lowkey repin for all my years but Indie: bitch im 🔥🔥⬆⬆ Rio: We should celebrate 'fore we go Rio: also you need diff garms 'cos not showing up with you in uniform like I'm your single muvva Rio: giving the game away shh Indie: lets break into our former & give it the send off it shoulda had Indie: ruuuude Indie: you is my ma deal w that Indie: still sexy w it so Rio: nah shadier to let him keep it Rio: welcome for the glo up boy Rio: 💋 i'll take it Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: im only vexed cos he aint had my baby sis there but you kno he bringin them other young girls back how he do Indie: waste Rio: 😬 Rio: too real Rio: too gross Rio: does anyone know if he's tried to talk to ro or they have orrrr Rio: like what's going on fr Indie: she blockin hardcore Indie: she dont want him near but from what i 👀 & 👂 he aint tryna reach anyway Rio: 😒 Rio: even if he did just to say i know u don't want me here but if u do Rio: bare minimum Rio: whatever Rio: their drama, not ours Rio: we gettin' good Indie: fr if he aint tryna see her i is Indie: she got real fam Indie: & me too Indie: we all good Rio: mhmm Rio: him doing his part on him Rio: we all doing ours Rio: she's cute then, yeah? Indie: o you aint seen Indie: my bad Indie: u wanna? Rio: nah not yet, like it weren't explicitly stated but Rio: we know she don't want me near either Indie: i got you Indie: ill bring her to you mama Indie: my girls can meet Rio: Are you sure? Rio: idk if she letting her out of her sight like that yet Indie: its chill man Indie: if step ma be startin i got the other to back me Rio: We'll sort that Saturday yeah Rio: can't be giving her the cribs exclusive or the estate agent will be coming at me with catchment areas fr Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: boo how we celebratin Indie: mckenna aint here thats dry Indie: boy earned his place Rio: I know 😕 Rio: we go out and do it again when he is Rio: we keep it lowkey for now, get some food 'forehand 'cos know you ravenous Rio: then if we fucking with it we can get something extra that we gon' need Indie: truuuuuuu Indie: yeah girl this is beast Indie: im so about it Rio: It's a new block so if we get it we can be in there like, straight away Rio: no one has to move out, it ain't trashed Rio: 😍 Indie: safe Indie: can i roll out the school gates now cos ☁ 9 mood Indie: floating like Rio: I'm omw to pick you but lemme call 'em and you can roll out and meet me somewhere else 'cos I'm still like 15mins away Indie: 😍😍😍😍 Indie: I'll be boardin & 🚬 catch me wen Rio: 👍 Indie: here i be thinkin my day was bare decent cos a lad chirpsin me in the science lab Indie: naaaaaah bitch Rio: Ooh Rio: 'bout it tho Rio: made School worth attending Indie: innit he just rolled up Indie: new boy vibes Rio: 😍 Rio: literally never happened when i was here so rude Rio: known everyone from day 1, blessin' n curse Rio: gimme deets as they come in tho Indie: ikr but its bare long in the year to be criss and showin face 1st time Indie: suspect Rio: wys Rio: he a 30 spy pretending to be a kid orr Indie: idk Indie: but if he a fed he looking fresh on it Rio: 😂 Rio: Mystery, love that Rio: only one way to find out Indie: but like Indie: can i? Rio: Why not? Indie: u kno Rio: Yeah Rio: Take everything at your pace, however that be Rio: this is just chatting we talking about, you good Indie: yeah i can trust innit Indie: bills is right not all lads be like Rio: yeah, if he get it twisted off a convo then he the thirsty cringe one Rio: give it a shot Indie: he so lush lookin tho 😍😍😍 i been knew i said this afore but actual Indie: 👼🏿 Rio: so 'bout that Rio: defs why you wanted to bounce tho Rio: not want me 👀 like the nosy ma I is 😉 Indie: nah dont want him spying you cos you 🔥😍👑 Rio: 😏 gas up your old woman Rio: never gon' say no Indie: you kno its the mood of the century Indie: mckenna beggin for you still Rio: Hope so Rio: need that rent boy Indie: can always shot the 💍 baby Indie: 💎💎💸💸💸💸 Rio: 😭 Rio: Baby no Indie: jam babe i got jokes Indie: we playin Rio: I can't Rio: if he bounce I gonna just wear it forever Rio: awkward for him, soz Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: he too cuffed to run now Rio: Thanks Ann Summer Indie: i aint never been there Indie: soz bout it Indie: sure she a real one Rio: it's a bit retro these days but you know Rio: not missing much babe Indie: 👌👌 Indie: all lube & lace yeah? Rio: 😂 in a word Indie: no catch me rollin up then i aint need none Rio: okay babe Rio: lemme know if you need anything though, I got you Indie: you wild Indie: what you think i need ma? Rio: well idk Rio: not gonna give you ideas you ain't have but s'a whole world beyond ann and her rabbit Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: you always tryna get me riding batteries Rio: i am not 😂 make me sound like such a wrongen Rio: tryna make sure u know what u want Indie: we been knew i dont Indie: going for those wronguns myself Rio: gotta explore babygirl Indie: 😒🤔 Rio: Not now, like Rio: we busy bitches Indie: catch me on the street bein indecent hold up Rio: 😏 behave Rio: got mark on your name as is Indie: what you sayin bout Rio: that police always after you without that madness Indie: keepin things fresh for the jakes and the rollers least Indie: they welcome Rio: miss me with that underage bait gurl 😏 Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Indie: 👵 Rio: 😡 cheeky bitch Indie: 💋 Indie: big love baby Rio: I see u Rio: get in 'fore I give you a love tap, like Indie: keep it peaceful Indie: ✌✌ Rio: 💋

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.

[olliexsmythe]

UNFINISHED || OLITON

Notes: In which Oliver uses a title of sorts with Quinnton for the first time of his own accord and tries to adopt a more submissive role.

Warning: Some of Ollie’s thinking in this para isn’t totally healthy and at times, he ignores his own well-being. Potentially triggering.

Date: 24th January 2019

Quinnton

Quinnton was very curious as to what the hell Ollie was planning. He had gone on a jog around campus, enjoying the cool air on his skin as he did. The messages from Rory were intriguing, but he would deal with that later. He had much more important things to think about; like the fact he was falling for Ollie, that scared the shit out of him. He wasn't going to tell him, fear of scaring him off, but those emotions were there, and he didn't know what to do with them. When he finished his run, his alarm went off on his phone, and he decided that he had given Ollie enough time to set everything up. Plus, he really needed to shower. He headed back to his dorm, and opened the door, "Ollie? Baby.... It is okay for me to come in?" He opened the door to ... candles, and rose petals on the ground, confused, "Ollie...?"

Oliver

This was a shot in the dark. This date thing. The surprise thing. He wasn't completely sure of how he felt towards Quinnton yet but he knew spending time with him made him feel peaceful, relaxed; and that was the type of relationship he wanted to foster, regardless of what they ended up being. When he heard the other man's voice in the doorway, he emerged from the kitchen with an apron tied around his waist. 'Welcome back.' he grinned, watching the expressions play out on Quinnton's face. 'Did you have a good run?' he asked innocently as though nothing was happening around them.

Quinnton

Quinnton looked up to see Ollie, and smiled wide. “Did.... you do all this... for me?” He was a bit in shock. “Yeah, it was good. Need to shower.” He was still looking around, totally in shock, not sure what to say. “I.... how. Why?”

Oliver

'I didn't know the campus ban was going to be lifted when I started organising this.' he explained, crossing the room to stand in front of Quinnton. 'The last time we had a date, you took it upon yourself to cook and I thought it was about time I returned the favour.' he nodded, sliding his arms around the Dominant's neck. He caught his lips in a chaste kiss and pulled back with a smile. 'I know you like romance and I wanted to romance you a little.'

Quinnton

“That’s fair. And honestly, this is perfect. Just the two of us, in my dorm... I’d take this over a fancy date in town any day of the week.” His hand slipped around Ollie’s waist, pulling him close. “You.... are incredibly sweet.” He kissed him back, and smiled, “I am so lucky to have you in my life, Oliver Smythe.” He smirked, “so, you gonna join me in the shower?”

Oliver

'I may or may not have perfected the cooking time for dinner that would allow me to do exactly that.' he winked. He itched to touch the other man; the lust of the first time they'd hooked up still hadn't worn off even though that had been almost a month ago and he found himself wanting to be around Quinnton when he wasn't. He was reluctant to leave his hold but he stepped back and laced their fingers together so he could pull him back towards the ensuite bathroom.

Quinnton

“Of course you did.” He chuckled a bit, before he was pulled off to the bathroom. He stripped his shirt off almost immediately, tossing it to the side, and pulled off his leggings. He pulled Ollie to him, and kissed him roughly

Oliver

He made short work of riding himself of his own clothes, managing to sneak a glance as Quinnton tossed his leggings aside. He let out a groan as he was pulled back into the Dominant's embrace and he allowed himself to be kissed; he let Quinnton take complete control of the kiss. He reached his arms around his neck and revelled in the way their bodies pressed together so securely. 'I think I walk around all day wanting to feel you like this.' he moaned.

Quinnton

Q’s hands moved down to grab Ollie’s ass, firmly, pressing their bodies as close as humanly possible. He moaned into the kiss, “mmm, well you can feel me like this whenever you want, babe.” Im yours were the last two words he wanted to add to that, but he resisted. “I’m down with you touching me whenever.” He smiled against the other’s lips, before breaking away to turn in the shower. “I love feeling you close to me, Ollie... so much.”

Oliver

'Whenever, really?' he teased, stepping up behind him as he started the shower. He slid his arms around his waist and placed slow, nipping kisses between his shoulder blades. 'Because I might take that as an invitation to shamelessly put myself in your lap, or to obnoxiously grope your ass in the cafeteria.' He pressed his face against his shoulder and squeezed his arms tightly around his waist. 'Tonight's about you gorgeous okay? All you have to do is tell me what you want.'

Quinnton

Q nodded, “whenever. I don’t mind. At all.” He smiled, humming softly. “You can do whatever you want baby. I am yours to grope and sit in the lap of.” He looked at him over his shoulder, “well, I mean, the easy answer is you. But I always want you, so, not sure if that really counts.”

Oliver

He could see steam rising in the shower and he nodded his head towards it. He nudged Quinnton forward until they were both standing under the hot, steady stream of water and he turned him so they were face to face. 'You already have the easy answer.' he pointed out with a fond shake of his head. He brought his hand up to cup his cheek and smiled. 'But you get to be specific tonight okay? If there was something you wanted to try with me, the answer is yes. I trust you.' He didn't really know what he was alluding to; only that he wanted to give Q something that would make him happy.

Quinnton

Q simply smiled when he was turned, the hot water relaxing his muscles as he got lost in Ollie’s stunning green eyes. He leaned into his hand, simply... falling in love with the man in front of him. “... anything? Really? I mean, obviously respecting your limits... but... fuck I want to do so much with you, Ollie.” He licked his lips, “I just don’t know where to start.”

Oliver

He leaned in and caught Quinnton's lips in a hungry kiss. The idea of sex that wasn't strictly vanilla made him uneasy but he knew it was something Quinnton enjoyed; it made him uneasy because it wasn't something he'd explored. He wasn't opposed to kinky sex; he was only opposed to the system, a system that made him less than by chance. 'I trust you gorgeous so yeah, anything is on the table' he breathed out, rolling his hips forward to rock against him.

Quinnton

Quinnton’s breath hitched, he kissed the other back. Hands went right back to Ollie’s ass, as he hummed into the kiss. He didn’t want to make the other uncomfortable, and wanted to ease the other into kinky sex, without their marks being involved or getting in the way. “Mmm... what if...” he hummed, rolling his hips back, “I made you cum... over and over again? How’s that sound?”

Oliver

‘That sounds like I’m going to be hideously distracted throughout dinner.’ He retorted. He didn’t want to ruin the moment but the reason he gelled with Quinnton was because he could be honest. ‘It’s a little unnerving.’ He admitted. ‘I think I’d end up a bit of a mess; and not just physically.’ He laughed, trying to keep the mood relatively light. ‘I think that — sensitivity, being overwhelmed like that would put me in a very vulnerable place and that scares me. But —‘ he added immediately, holding his gaze. ‘I trust you. And I want to give you the things you want. So we can do that.’ He nodded. ‘But maybe we can talk more about it over dinner. This isn’t quite the sexy shower I had in mind. When I pictured it, one of our mouths was considerably more full.’ He teased.

Quinnton

Quinnton nodded, “that’s totally fair. We can work up to that one day maybe. I just like making you feel good.” He looked up at the other, “we can do that another day. Honestly, tonight I just want to be with you. Hell, if we could just make love all night long, I’d be incredibly happy with that. I fuck you, you fuck be. It’s passionate and sexy.” Be kissed him again, “there’s still time.”

Oliver

‘You’re misunderstanding me gorgeous.’ He pointed out, as he shifted back slightly to create space for him to get on his knees. ‘Just because it scares me doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it. You — I can be vulnerable with you. You’re safe.’ He dropped to his knees relatively gracefully given the space he was working with and immediately leaned forward to mouth against Quinnton’s hips. His fingers absently teased against his piercing and stroked along the length of his cock. ‘I suppose this means I won’t need a starter.’ He winked, glancing up at him before sucking the head of his length between his lips.

Quinnton

Q watched him drop to his knees, and groaned softly, “mmm... alright, well..  we’ll talk about it at dinner...” his eyes closed, fighting the desire to buck his hips forward, cock already rock solid for the other. “Mmm... fucking hell, Ollie... I love your mouth so much.”

Oliver

In the simplest of terms, Oliver Smythe loved oral sex. Receiving was good but he’d always preferred to give and more specifically, he loved sucking cock. He was completely shameless about the fact and even if he hadn’t said it verbally, he felt sure Quinnton had to be aware of it; especially because he was on his knees at every opportunity for the other man. He hummed; the most boastful sound he could manage as he took more of the Dominant’s length between his lips. He found a pace; quick and relentless. He didn’t need to ease himself into this and he didn’t want to.

Quinnton

Quinnton had to brace himself against the wall with one hand, the other in Ollie’s hair, gently. His moans got louder, echoing in the shower, “fucking... hell... babe. Don’t stop... of fuck you feel so fucking good!”

Oliver

This was the first time they’d had shower sex and somehow it made everything more intense. His gag reflex existed but it wasn’t giving him any bother as he swallowed around the thick cock. The weight felt familiar and comfortable on his tongue and he relished in the noises that fell from Quinnton’s lips. He pressed into his touch and brought a hand up to cup his balls. This was definitely something he wanted to push more; and Quinnton would be the person to do it with.

Quinnton

The fact that the two hadn't had shower sex yet was a little bit astounding. They'd spent so much time together, that this was insane to fathom. But, here they were, and Ollie was on his knees, causing his cock to twitch. He loved to see the other on his knees... no one sucked his cock quite as well as Ollie did. "Mmm.... baby.... Don't stop."

Oliver

He leaned forward, taking Quinnton's cock until his nose was pressed was pressed against his public bone and he physically couldn't take any more of him. He could feel the stretch and he groaned around his length; lips vibrating against the sensitive skin. He squeezed his balls a little harder, rolling them in his hand. The noises coming from his mouth were obscene. He could feel himself almost drooling as he continued to bob his head hungrily.

Quinnton

Quinnton did everything he could to keep his focus down on Ollie. Seeing him take all of his cock was.. one of the hottest things, and if he had his phone, he'd probably take a photo. His cock twitched in Ollie's mouth again, clenching his jaw to stop himself from fucking forward. "mmm... fucking.... hell... Ollie... baby..." he gripped his hair, still watching the other, "you look so fucking hot with your lips around my cock."

Oliver

In the back of his mind, the word Daddy fell from his lips every time Quinnton called him baby. He'd been thinking about it ever since they'd had a conversation about the fact that it was something Q enjoyed being called. He'd tried on occasion to use the name -- not title, but thus far he'd been unsuccessful. He closed his eyes and pulled back; the Dominant's cock leaving his lips with a wet pop. He looked up at him and flicked his tongue over his lips. 'You know, if you wanted to you could fuck my throat.' he suggested, a teasing smile on his lips. He could feel his face heat up before he spoke again. 'Daddy.' The word fell from his lips only a beat after his sentence

Quinnton

Quinnton had to admit, his cock leaving Ollie's lips made him frown, as he looked down at the other. "I always want to make sure you're okay with it before I do, because it's really hard not to do it, because your mouth feels so fucking good." He growled out, smirking, before his jaw dropped. Hearing Ollie call him Daddy triggered something in him. He pulled Ollie up to his lips, and kissed him hard, pinning him against the wall of the shower.

Oliver

'Well fuck,' he groaned, winding his arms around Quinnton's neck. 'I might have called you that sooner if I'd known you'd react like this.' He barely let himself get the sentence out before he was kissing him again; fingers twisting in the hair at the napes of his neck. 'Turns me on, when you get a little rough.' he confessed, rolling his hips forward in a bid to seek out more friction. 'It's pretty much always okay gorgeous.'

Quinnton

Normally, Q didn't quite have this reaction to the title, but this was Ollie, and Ollie had a different affect on him that others did. He growled into the kiss, feeling a bit more... primal than before. "Good to know, I'll remember that next time you're on your knees for me." He flipped Ollie around, pinning his chest to the bathroom wall, as he lined up his cock with the other's ass, "my cock needs your ass right now." He gripped his hips, before pressing his cock into Ollie, with a deep growl.

Oliver

The sound he made could only be described as animalistic. He cried out, bringing his fist to his mouth to stifle the sound. No preparation and no lube meant the feeling initially was more painful than anything else and he could feel tears build in his eyes; they mixed with the water streaming down over his body. He opened his mouth to talk but he could make any words actually leave his lips. His breath came in short, heavy pants as he desperately tried to control himself. 'Shit Q.' he managed eventually, reaching behind him with his free hand to grab his hip. 'Give me a second.'

Quinnton

Ollie knew that it was going to be rough, and probably hurt Ollie, but there was something in him that had taken over. He gripped onto Ollie's hips, panting a bit, but stopped his hips once he was all the way in. "Take... your time. I... just.. fuck, I wanted your ass so fucking bad, baby."

Oliver

He could feel his whole body heating up and he pressed his forehead against the tiles in front of him. 'You've never fucked yourself -- I don't think you know how big you feel you bastard.' he choked out but there was a laugh on his lips.  He leaned his head back against Quinnton's shoulder and turned his face so he could see him better. He was in pain and while he felt a little panic, ultimately e trusted Quinnton. 'Go slow okay.' he breathed.

Quinnton

"Mmm... probably not... But you love my big cock." He gripped Ollie's ass, still not moving, not wanting to hurt the other any more than he already had. He smiled, looking at him, "fuck, you're gorgeous, you know that?" He slowly pulled his hips out, and slowly pushed them back in, "baby.... I love your ass so much."

Oliver

Between a slow drag, or something hard and fast, he wasn't sure what would be better. He wasn't sure what would be most comfortable. 'You can have my ass whenever you want it -- Daddy.' The title wasn't necessarily something that was turning him on but it turned Quinnton on and that was his goal. The sudden and unexpected intrusion had caused him to lose his erection but he repeated a mantra in his head; ‘this is for Q.’ and so he came to the conclusion that thisone time, his pleasure didn’t matter.

Quinnton

The title made his cock twitch inside of Ollie, Quinnton let out another growl. "Mmm... fucking hell... you calling me that might actually be my new favourite thing." He nipped at Ollie's ear, still moving in and out slow, going deep every time he pushed back in. "How is it you take my cock as often as you do, and yet you're still so fucking tight?"

Oliver

'Call it a gift.' he panted out. The pain was giving way to edges of pleasure now and he allowed his eyes to fall closed so he could focus on that. With a shuddering sigh, he brought his hands up and braced them against the tile wall. He pushed his ass back out to meet the next thrust of Quinnton's cock and a whimper left his lips. 'If we're gonna eat tonight, you're gonna need to speed up gorgeous. I can take it.' It was like he could see his own limits as a line in the side and he was making a conscious decision to step over them. He didn't know if he'd regret it or how he'd feel afterwards but it was too late to take it back now.

Quinnton

Quinnton purred in Ollie's ear, as he started to kiss and bite at his neck, hands moving to grip his hips. He started to pick up speed, thrusting in a bit faster, and going as deep as he could with each thrust. He knew he wasn't going to last too long, since Ollie did half the work already, but he was going to get Ollie off before himself, he was determined.

Oliver

He was learning the maybe he didn't need to be seeking an orgasm to enjoy sex. This might not have been his first choice of how to do things but there was still enjoyment to be had in knowing he was bringing Quinnton pleasure. He clenched  as tightly as he could around him, and leaned back to feel closer. 'I want to feel you cum inside me.' he grunted, suddenly very aware that they'd forgone the use of a condom. 'Are you close gorgeous?'

Quinnton

Quinnton honestly hadn't even realized that this was the first time they'd done this. They were always careful, always making sure to be safe, but ... animalistic need took him over. His arm moved up to hold Ollie against him, as he rolled his hips inside the other. "Mmm.... I'm so close baby.... fuck..."

Oliver

'Good.' he pressed back against him, and brought his arm around his own waist, covering Quinnton's and lacing their fingers together. 'I don't think I can --' he trailed off, almost embarrassed by the fact. 'But I want you to. I really fucking want to feel you Quinnton.' he insisted, turning his face against his neck.

Quinnton

"You... you sure?" He was getting very close to that edge, but he wanted Ollie to be positive that he was okay not getting off. Q hated relationships where the top got off and the other didn't. He continued to roll his hips into the other, going deep, "I'm so close baby..."

Oliver

He clenched his ass again, and nodded before he confirmed his feelings out loud. 'I'm positive. It's okay gorgeous.' He squeezed his hand and pushed his hips back to meet every thrust. He could tell he was going to feel this for days. He was sure the other had never fucked him quite so deep before. 'Cum for me babe. I want to feel you fill me even more.' he added, a smirk on his lips.

Quinnton

"O-okay..." He was still fighting it, right now, as he arched a bit, still fucking his cock into the other.  While normally something telling him to do something didn't tend to get a reaction, Ollie saying 'cum for me' was like a switch inside of Quinnton. He pressed in deep, one last time, moaning Ollie's name, as he came, deep inside the other.

Oliver

The feeling was unfamiliar but it was something he liked. A groan left his lips and he squeezed around his cock to work him through his orgasm. ‘Oh shit. That feels — Fuck.’ He breathed. His legs were shaky and in the back of his mind, he was dreading the feeling of the other pulling out. He leaned back against him, trusting he could support him. ‘You feel good gorgeous?’ He asked.

Quinnton

Quinnton hummed, panting, smiling, "....fucking hell, I do love doing that.." He gently moved his hands up and down on Ollie's sides. "I feel... really good. But... definitely achieved the opposite of getting clean in this shower..."

Oliver

‘Good, I like making you feel good. Your voice gets different. It’s nice.’ He smiled, enjoying the way his fingers danced over his sides. ‘We still have time to rinse off.’ He assured him. He didn’t have a watch on but he was sure they couldn’t have been in the shower long enough for dinner to spoil.

Quinnton

"It does...?" He didn't exactly notice, but he was so used to his own voice, that that would make sense. "mm.... good, because... I'm a very sweaty, messy man, and want to smell and look good for our date." He leaned up and kissed Ollie softly, before slowly pulling out of him. "Mmm, I adore you."

Oliver

He couldn't hold back the whimper that escaped when Quinnton pulled out of him. He could feel the sticky white substance drip down his legs and he surprised himself by not thinking it was gross. He turned in his arms at the first opportunity and melted into the kiss, easily ignoring the throbbing in his ass. 

Quinnton

He hummed, kissing him softly, smiling against him. "Mmm... maybe next time, you can do that to me, hmm?" He teased a bit. Q grabbed his loofa to start actually cleaning himself, moving to do the same to Ollie, gently lathering the both of them up. "We're going to smell the same tonight. Love it."

Oliver

His eyes widened a little in surprise. It had happened that time because they'd both been caught up in a moment; it hadn't crossed his mind that he might get a repeat performance. 'You'd be okay with me doing that?' he asked, a grin firmly in place. He could feel his whole body relax as Q soaped him up There was something so soothing about be taken care of like this.. He wound his arms around his neck and kissed him long and slow. 'I'm so fucking attracted to you. You have no idea.'

Quinnton

He continued to gently soap up Ollie, wanting to relax him a little bit, knowing that he had been a bit rougher than usual with him. He nodded, "I would.. really love that, actually, quite a bit. Having... that one partner that I'm so close with, that we trust to do that with... it's a dream." He smiled, thinking about it, trying not to think about it too much, getting turned on again was so not a good idea. He kissed him again, holding him close, "I am so fucking attracted to you too, Ollie.."

Oliver

His echoed confession made him feel warm inside. The way he said it was different than the way Sebastian had said it and it sent endorphins through his body. That was the only reason he could think to describe why he felt so content right now. 'You're not mad that I couldn't -- finish are you?' he asked quietly, keeping his face pressed against his neck as his fingers traced shapes on the opposite shoulder.

Quinnton

Quinnton shook his head, "I'm kind of bummed that I couldn't get you there" He rubbed his back, humming softly. "It's okay... maybe after dinner I can get you there in a much more... soft and passionate way." He kissed his cheek, before grabbing shampoo, and lathering Ollie's hair. "This is... the most intimate thing I think we've ever done."

Oliver

'I'm not mad.' Quinnton hadn't asked but he felt like he ought to clarify things anyway. 'I'm not bummed out either. Pain isn't -- I don't think it's ever going to be a thing that turns me on. It was about you. You get me there all the time, trust me. I was just sore so I couldn't --' He trailed off and shook his head. 'I don't have a problem with you trying.' he grinned.  'I think it is; which is funny considering you were literally inside me minutes ago. I like this.'

Quinnton

Quinnton listened to the other speak, glad that it wasn't his fault, not entirely. Though, going very rough like that definitely didn't help, he was sure. "I'll remember that for next time, I'm sorry I went so rough, baby. I just... never expected to hear you call me that, and... fuck, it turned me on so goddamn much." He gently massaged the shampoo into Ollie's hair, "it's ... amazing. I love it. We should do this more often."

Oliver

He pulled back a little and looked up at him, his brow furrowed. 'No, don't do that. Don't apologise. You know me right? If I had wanted you to stop, I'd have told you. You took me by surprise but if I wasn't okay with what was happening, I would have told you. You don't have to worry about breaking me' The need to reassure the other was immediate and seemingly more important than any discomfort he was currently feeling. ‘I can get on board with that.’

Quinnton

“Okay... just wanted to be sure, y’know...” the way Ollie was talking... it made Q think that honestly, he’d make such a great submissive, if he ever got there. He loved to serve him, and that was a big part of it for Q. Though, he’d be happy faking it TIL he made it, if it meant having a relationship with Ollie. “Perfect. Because this is much more fun than showering alone.”

Oliver

'You can be sure, because I'm sure okay? I don't do things I don't want to do. I'll always be honest with you.' he promised, bringing his hand to rest against Quinnton's cheek. He leaned and pressed a sweet, soft kiss against his lips; allowing himself to linger there as long as possible. 'Is it okay if I leave you to finish off yourself? I don't want dinner to ruin. I'd be pissed with myself if I let it spoil now.' he confessed.