#'here's content that's similar to the sort of content you're already following'

[nariism]

*ੈ✩ LAST WORDS OF A SHOOTING STAR

pair. itadori yuji x reader

synopsis. in the 3 days following the shibuya incident, itadori yuji emerges as a husk of his former self. with his immediate execution resumed, you both grapple with the feelings you have for each other and come to terms with his impending death.

content. hurt/comfort (lots of comfort, thank art because i was gonna be mean about this and they convinced me not to), slightly canon divergent (taking place between shibuya and the culling games), fluff and minor angst, yuta is the best wingman

wc. ~4.4k

NOVEMBER 1 2018

You imagine that your face was rather ghastly when you received the news.

"Execution?" You repeated, the word tasting bitter on your tongue. No, that was the wrong description. It tasted of death—like iron and the depths of Hell filling your mouth until you were gurgling on it.

Unlike the rest of the Jujutsu Sorcerers from Tokyo, you had been ordered to stay back with Shoko in case of an emergency. You remember your exile from battle had left a similar rotten flavour in your mouth.

You vanished off the face of the earth after the incident was over. Most probably presumed you died in the aftermath. Devoured by a curse, they would say and shake their heads. You were always troublesome. And then they would move on with the rest of the world, all the same.

Lives were only temporary in the world of curses. Focus on who you can save, not who is already gone. They'll only end up a curse in your sleep. What a horrible notion to have.

The truth is that you'd been whisked away with Yuta, who seemed to be scheming a plan of his own. Perhaps as a middle finger to the higher ups he hated so much, or perhaps just for his own selfish reasons. You wouldn't know until he was finished carrying it through—he's too good at keeping secrets.

He wanted your reverse cursed technique, you knew that much for sure, even though he could do it himself. You were useful by his side, fitting into his plot in a way you could not in Shibuya. Feeling some sort of obligation and satisfaction, you followed him like a lost puppy.

And now here you are, seated by a dimming fire in the abandoned part of the city. Yuta was too clever for his own good. You suppose Gojo taught him some things well. This was their plan after all.

Yuji was safe, if only for this moment in time.

"Now with Gojo gone, it would have been easy for the higher ups to send assassins your way."

Ruthless and truthful, you flinch, but Yuji does not. He remains perfectly still in your hold, with your hands rotating his face around to get a better look at his wounds. You pour your cursed energy into him, hoping to breathe life back into his eyes, but they stay dull and empty.

"We'll find a way to stop this," you assure, reaching over to take a sanitizing wipe to clean an open cut. Yuta was too rough on him, but it was at least believable that Yuji was dead. He doesn't even recoil from the alcohol stinging his flesh, too engrossed in his own thoughts.

"Why?" He asks weakly. You gawk at him, but then it melts away into a softness that finally makes him blink up at you. "I'm evil."

"You're not evil, Yuji."

"I am. I killed those people. I did." His voice comes flat and defeated, nothing like the one you used to listen to over dinner while he reenacted shitty western films.

You never realize what you'll miss until it's gone. It's hollow, the ache in your heart.

"You don't understand. How could you? All this blood on my hands—"

"It was Sukuna," you quickly refute.

"And Sukuna only lives because I do!"

His voice raises at you, causing the flames behind you to flicker and crack. It's enough for Yuta to step in, acting as a barrier between your tense bodies. Yuji seems to shrink at this, realizing his emotions have run amok and that he has yelled at you.

You only stare back at him in bewilderment, like a frightened animal. Your upperclassman shakes his head.

"Enough of this. We need to start making plans."

You lay awake that night, alone and anxious. Yuta has taken the first shift of watching and patrolling while the two of you rest, though hesitant to leave you alone. He told you it’s another reason he dragged you along: having three people to rotate shifts instead of just two would be easier on your bodies and minds. The city is not what it used to be, now overrun with curses of all grades.

You reassured him it would be fine, that you would fall asleep quickly and so would Yuji—his body has to run out of steam eventually, right? Oh, what a fool you were.

The tension is so heavy that it's awkward, even though you're sleeping on opposite ends of the tunnel.

"Sleep," you demand as if you were Inumaki, like you have the power to curse him.

His eyes flutter open. Even in the firelight, you don't see any shine in them, seeming as if they had been extinguished of life. "Why don't you?"

"I can't until you do."

"That's stupid," he tells you.

It's not the first time you've argued like this. Back when the world felt right, you would sneak in through his dorm window well into the hours of the night. Platonic, you had convinced yourself. You snuck into his bed seeking companionship as a friend. That's the lie you gorged on.

A piece of you knew, and you're sure he did too, that the way your hands explored his arms was unnatural for two friends, and that friends wouldn't sneak into each other's rooms like this with such severe punishment on the line.

It was safe in his arms, with the dull hum of his television running an old horror film in the background. You didn't have to think about much other than his warmth when you sat between his legs with your back to his chest. Or when his arm was draped over your shoulder and you were pressed into his side—actually, you think you preferred this one though you felt sorry for his sore arm.

You would bicker about dumb, pointless things. Which movie is better, or which character deserved to be mutilated more. It would go on for so long that Megumi would bang his fist on their shared wall to get the two of you to shut up.

There was no curse strong enough to change time itself, so you keep your thoughts and memories to yourself when you respond.

"You'll be too tired to function on your shift," you reason.

"You both will be fine without me." Better off without me, you know he means. You've gotten good at reading between his lines.

You slowly sit up in your sleeping bag, eyes never leaving Yuji. He seems so frail right now, even though he looks more adult than he ever has before.

"Human Earthworm 4 was better than 2," you suddenly say. His eyes peer open again in confusion.

"Huh? 2 was way better."

"I liked the love story in 4," you argue, slowly getting out of your bag to shuffle to his side of the concrete tunnel. He looks at you as if you've said something outlandish, too preoccupied with his thoughts to wonder why you've come so close.

"2 had the best special effects though."

Your body shifts under his blanket.

"But 4 had a happier ending." (As far as 'happy' goes in the Human Earthworm series, at least.)

His arm falls around your waist as it has a hundred times, pulling you into his chest.

"Whatever," he huffs. The next topic comes fast and you're thrown into a full blown conversation with him. If you concentrate enough, you can imagine your bodies being tangled together in his bed, safe and sound.

Concrete and fire and the stench of curses melt away until he's all you can focus on.

"You have weird taste in movies," he concludes with his eyes drifting shut.

NOVEMBER 2 2018

You think you know how to fix broken people until you find that they are more than skin and bones. 

You learn one thing after the Shibuya Incident: there are wounds residing within Yuji just as much as there are marking his flesh.

Yuta, you realize, had left the two of you alone to sleep and has protected you all night. You'll make it up to him, you reason. Yuji deserved to sleep.

When you wake up to his sleeping face, you think his cuts are healing nicely. But then his expression twists up in terror—a nightmare, if he even had enough energy left in him to conjure up dreams. He murmurs in his sleep, shakes his head a few times and thrashes around so much you're surprised you slept through the night by his side.

"Sukuna," he's whispering. Sukuna, Sukuna, Sukuna. King of Curses. The second voice tormenting him that lives in his own brain like a parasite. You bury yourself into his chest and hold him as tight as you can. He relaxes, body releasing its rigid form, but the murmurs continue.

He is shattered beyond repair. No amount of cursed energy could fix that, even if you tried.

You had once watched Yuji electrocute himself trying to set up the janky old television in his dorm room.

He fell back onto the floor with a loud crash, head hitting the wood so hard you thought he might have a concussion. It caused such a racket that Megumi came running into the room asking what happened, demon dog ready behind him in case of an ambush.

You rushed to the floor, discarding all the food you had settled in your lap and crumbled beside him to scoop him into your arms.

"Yuji!" You called him. People rarely used his first name. You felt special, like you knew him better than others did and for some reason that was a privilege. "Are you okay?"

He laughed in your arms, seeming unfazed by the fact that electricity had run through every vein in his body. "I'm fine, see? My finger just slipped."

You and Megumi both sighed in relief, though you always thought it was strange when you reflected on it. Yuji was a funny guy, yes. He was equal parts humour and destruction but not a klutz. Mistakes happen, so you let it slide until now, but some part of you was nagging to ask.

"That day," you start while rolling up your sleeping bag. "You electrocuted yourself. Remember?"

He looks at you funny over his shoulder. Yuta has already started cracking open cans of food for breakfast, embers of your dead fire cracking.

"Hmm, yeah. I remember. Why?"

"I just thought..." you trail off. "Well, Sukuna makes you tough to a lot of things. I'm surprised small electric shocks aren't one of them."

Sukuna. A name you'd been avoiding since this morning. Sickening silence settles between you. It's so heavy that you pause in your cleaning to look at him, brow raised.

"Yeah," he coughs. "Well, maybe I exaggerated."

"Huh?" You sound annoyed now. "You scared us half to death!"

Yuji only falters in his own chores. When he looks at you again, there's a longing in his gaze that you don't know how you could have missed. Or perhaps it was never there until now.

"It was nice to have you fawning over me," he admits.

The day goes on and all you feel is a terrible grief.

You become painfully aware of each millimeter the sun glides across the sky, from one horizon to the other. Time slips through your fingers fast as sand.

Horrifically, you can't find anything to talk about to fill the emptiness—Nobara and Megumi feel off the table considering the extent of their injuries. You don't even dare to breathe Gojo's name, let alone speak of him so boldly as Yuta is.

You're afraid that Yuji will spiral again, confused and unwilling to cooperate with his judgement clouded by loss. It's not your fault, you would say. It is, he would argue. It would do neither of you good, so you idle around while he and Yuta devise plans to tiptoe around the higher ups.

A part of you knows that if either of you told him to submit and die, he would. He's already teetering on the edge of self-destruction.

On the outside, he seems perfectly indifferent. Gaze steady, face stone and unchanging as he speaks. He's doomed, ill-fated, someone full of misfortune. He looks so lonely that the air itself parts for him where he stands.

To shoulder so much responsibility, so much death, maybe he truly is alone. Some fraction of him, at least—a piece of himself only he would ever understand.

Your hand snakes into his without a second thought. You don't know why you did it, nor do you have any reasoning that he doesn't yank away from you. His hand trembles, and it's then that you realize his whole body is wracked with tremors that don't match his distant disposition.

The second thing you learn is this: when Yuji self-destructs, he does it from the inside-out.

Itadori Yuji loves chocolate cake.

He loves all food, really, acting like your friend group's personal food dumpster whenever any of you were full. But chocolate cake you knew he had a sweet tooth for.

You used to bring it with you to his dorm, stopping by the convenience stores on the way home to grab a pre-packaged slice from the fridge for him to eat.

"You're making a mess," you would tell him with a frown, using your thumb to wipe up frosting from the corner of his mouth. You would lick the pad of your finger clean after that, and he would watch almost in a trance.

It's the reason why you stop on one of your patrols, poking through the fridge section of a convenience store. The power has been out for a long time in this part of the city, all the food is already room temperature, but you figure this is fine as long as it smells okay.

The way Yuji's face lights up when he sees you is all it takes for the worry to go away.

It briefly feels as though nothing has ever gone wrong—that after this slice of cake the two of you will tumble back onto his mattress and turn on another showing of Titanic. (He groaned about it once, saying he got KO'd too many times during this film. You only laughed in confusion.)

At the end of the day, you know those days will never come back to you, lost forever in the wind.

Fire dances before you and you watch, enchanted by the flames. You remember last night, how not even the firelight could make Yuji look the same as he did before. You turn your head to look at him, to see if it's any different tonight, just for your cheek to be caught in his palm.

His thumb traces your lip, the way you used to do to him. You recognize the pull of his finger against your flesh, the swipe of it to get frosting off, but he still seems dissatisfied.

"What?" You ask.

"It didn't come off," he mutters, leaning in dangerously close to observe. Heat rises all the way to your cheeks and makes your hairs stand on end. His touch is like molten lava. You wonder if it has something to do with the monster living inside of him.

"I can't see it," you whine without a mirror.

He draws a little closer, until he's inches from your face. "Let me..."

You've suddenly been dropped into cold, unknown waters. This is all unfamiliar. He's rushing this, as if making up for all the time the two of you lost pretending you were only friends. As if he can cram all the things he's wanted to tell you into one night.

Recoiling away, you find yourself hesitating. If he kisses you, this all becomes too real. It's an acknowledgment of his impending death. That the thread of his life is finer and further stretched than yours is.

An unpleasant thought rings through your mind. What if I become a curse on him?

"This only ends badly for us," you whisper, but the conviction is missing from your voice.

He doesn't care. At least, it doesn't look like he does. Who knows what he's thinking right now?

"Who cares?" He says. "We're Jujutsu Sorcerers. Everything bad happens to us no matter what."

You don't have any rebuttal to that, no argument that forms in your mind that could challenge his words. He was right. Only disaster befalls Sorcerers. Disaster and grief.

For a while you had forgotten, living these idyllic months watching the days pass by. You feel like you wasted that precious time worrying about stupid things, like what to have for breakfast or what kind of snacks you should pick up for movie night.

(It ended up being popcorn every time. He liked to piss off Sukuna with it, saying the King of Curses would never get to experience the pleasure of picking out kernels from his teeth. You scoffed but bought it anyway.)

Another thought crosses your mind: Yuji is more fit to be in a rom-com, or a television series where the good guys always win. Not this tragedy. Not this massacre.

You wonder if he's ever felt the same way. If he ever wished he could reach into the sky and turn the sun back to a time before he even knew what a curse was.

If you’d met each other under different circumstances, would this have been a different story? The thought makes your heart ache, a part of you so deep that even if you reached into your chest and plucked it, you'd still wail.

"Can I?" He asks you, eager but quiet. Had this been a few months ago, you imagine that he would have had this spark in his eye. That his lips would be crashing into yours with no inhibition.

But Yuji has always been selfless, you think he always will be. He doesn't want to drag you down if you don't want to—an out, they call it. An escape route just before he careens into a ditch.

Hope has drained from every inch of his expression. This is his loneliness talking.

Despite the dread that licks up your spine, you cup his face. You swear he jolts slightly beneath your touch, as if you've reached out to strike him down. A retribution he believes he deserves.

He kisses you like it's his last day on earth. 

You learn one last thing: Itadori Yuji tastes familiarly of death.

Yuta decides to leave you alone for a second night in a row. His presence is so crushing that you know he's alive, but he stalks off somewhere else, leaving just you and Yuji huddled by the pitiful fire you've built.

He once claimed himself jokingly to be a love expert, and then ran off to Kenya for so long that you lost track of how much time passed. You wish you'd asked him before he left what he meant, but at the time it seemed irrelevant. Insignificant. The name Itadori Yuji had not yet been impressed into your heart like a seal.

You're busy setting up the sleeping bags, this time pushing them flush together. They're so close you can barely see the seam between them. Yuji stands on the other side of the fire, watching.

It reminds him of all the times you'd ever scolded him for not making his bed in the morning. I'm gonna crawl back in tonight anyway, he said. Who cares if it's messy?

Idiot, you would call him. But there was no malice behind it. He treated it like a pet name, a badge of honour to be your idiot.

Life felt so simple back then. He was full of determination and life and stuck to his morals as best he could. When he wavered he would text you to come over so you could fall asleep on his chest and suffocate any other thoughts out of his head.

"I've never felt so powerful before," he admits quietly.  You turn to look at him, curious. "Like I could do anything in the world."

There's a negative connotation to that, you know. He could do anything. The world would crumble at his feet and there he would stand, laughing at it all. It isn't his will, not even slightly, but the demon taking refuge in his body would love to see the blood pool.

"Like I could just... reach out and—"

"Yuji!" You hiss, lurching forward to take his hand into yours and retreat from the flame. The skin is already pink and blistering, scorched by the embers. You twist his wrist around, observing where the fire licked the deepest, and pour your energy into him.

When you look up to see if he's crying, or at least grimacing in pain, you find only his smiling face—warm and adoring. For a second it feels like the world isn't burning around you.

It was nice to have you fawning over me.

You wipe that stupid smirk off his face, leaning in to smear a kiss along the scar on his lip.

"Idiot," you say, and he laughs for the first time in so long that it sounds foreign in your ears.

(He doesn't fall asleep that night. He would rather savour the sound of your soft snores, memorize the form of your body in his hold, and try his hardest to burn this into his brain.

So be it if you come to curse him one day. He would welcome you with open arms.)

NOVEMBER 3 2018

The day comes when Megumi sneaks into your hideout, asking for help.

His sister, he explains. He needs help saving Tsumiki. For some reason, resentment boils in your stomach, but then it's snuffed just as fast.

Two days and two nights you've spent pretending Japan isn't collapsing, content with sitting idly by as curses overran Tokyo. You're sure Megumi thought you to be cowards, that you were all hiding under this bridge to wait out the hellstorm that was raining down on your homes.

It was true to some extent. Once Yuji stepped out into battle again, that was that. You're not sure things would ever be the same again, though you suppose you lost the privilege of routine days ago.

"Let me come too," you urge. Three pairs of eyes land on you.

"No," Yuji pushes. "It's dangerous."

"I can fight!"

"You can't," he pauses, then corrects himself, "You won't."

Awkward silence settles over your encampment. Yuta stirs, standing to hold you steady by the shoulders.

"If we need help... if one of us is hurt, we'll need you unharmed. Do you understand?"

Ah, ever so wise, your upperclassman. So easy to persuade you. There's a reason why he's the chosen one only second to Gojo.

You swallow the bile that fights up your throat. "What if you don't come back?"

Yuji steps in this time, knocking away Yuta to hold you by the face. Get a grip, this means. Pull yourself together, don't you dare fall apart in front of me.

"We will."

You once considered telling him how you felt, letting it eat away at you until Nobara groaned in disgust.

“If Itadori starts dating before I do, I’ll puke.”

You remember that you laughed, thinking she was so dramatic. You loved that about her. “I think you would do worse.”

She glared at you, foot lightly kicking at your shin under the table. Still, she made sure to push equal amounts of rice to your side of the plate. “I might burn a village down,” she huffed, placing her chin on her palm.

“You’re fine. Even if I told him how I feel, I don’t think he’d accept.”

“Huh?” Nobara sounded genuinely confused, raising a brow at you. “What makes you think that?”

You didn't know how to answer that. Maybe you were just afraid that you had misinterpreted everything, that the way he held you was protective in a familial manner and that he would slam his door in your face when you tried.

Looking back on it, you can imagine him in the next room ranting about the same things to Megumi.

“He still has posters of Jennifer Lawrence on his wall,” you argued weakly while shoveling rice into your spoon. She watched you take your bite with her lips parted in disbelief.

You wish you had told him, then. Not that it would have changed where you both ended up.

You watch as they pack up their things.

Megumi's demon dog keeps you quiet company, tail thrashing against the ground as you slick back its fur. They talk around the dying flames, devising plan after plan. None seem safe. None would be.

Yuta and Megumi leave first, taking the lead in front of the pack. His dog melts into the shadows and disappears, leaving you sitting alone.

"I want to take you back, but..." Yuji glances over his shoulder toward his death sentence. "Will you make it okay on your own?"

You get up slowly, as if to draw out the time he stands before you. A thousand questions run through your head: what if you never see him again? What if this kills him, not by body, but by his already damaged soul?

He must sense the racing of your mind, so he leans in to engulf you in his arms. In an instant, memories of those days spent lounging in his bed, shoveling your food onto his plate, and purposefully talking louder to tease Megumi come flooding.

A year you would never forget. You're sure it'll become a curse if you dwell, so you tell him: "I'll make it. You go on, they need you."

I need you, too. Stay. If only it were so simple.

He smiles at you, warm like the sun that's hidden behind the barrier. Itadori Yuji looks like a ghost of his former self, battle-worn and covered in scars where his skin used to be smooth. He kisses you again for good measure, making sure he remembers the way you sigh into his mouth.

When he pulls away, there's life gleaming in his eyes.

"Let's watch Human Earthworm 5 when I come back."

Your thumb brushes the corner of his lip. You open your mouth to speak, to finally tell him the truth after all this time. You'd rather not die regretting you never said it, after all.

But you stop.

"I prefer Titanic," you confess. He shakes his head and kisses your forehead. Then he’s gone, taking all the warmth with him.

You'll make up for lost time one day. It won’t be today. You can tell him all about your feelings when he comes back to you.

© ALABOADOA 2023 — please do not translate or post my works to other platforms.

[andromeda-nova-writing]

Hate at first sight - Alhaitham Requested by @isekyaaa

Contains suggestive lines for the sake of a joke

“Tighnari, You know anyone who could translate this?” She brought over the book to him. It was an old book she found while cleaning up her grandpa’s house. A book in a foreign language that her grandpa had forgotten over the years leaving its contents unknown to his family. “It’s supposed to be an heirloom.”

Tighnari looked over the book she had handed to him. A language that was unrecognizable to him but recognizable in that he had seen one of his friends reading a book in what looked to be a similar language. “I know a guy. If you're free tonight you might have a chance to get it translated or at least be pointed in the right direction.”

“Why tonight?"

“Cyno made a new deck again. Your translator should be there.”

“I forgot you have game nights with the General Mahamatra. I shouldn't take up too much of your time. Well as long as this translater of yours is good at their job.”

“He is. Just know he can be a little blunt. Though little may be an understatement. And with Kaveh there, don't be surprised if you see some sort of argument.”

“You're friends must be a lively bunch. Wait Kaveh is the one with blonde hair right? He was the one who was here two weeks ago?” She asked making sure her memory was correct.

“He was. Why?”

“He gave me advice on what rug I should pick. He didn't even see where it would go and gave me perfect advice. I really would like to thank him. My living room actually feels like a separate room even though it's an open floor plan.”

“I'm sure he'll appreciate it.”

-

It was nice to say hello to Cyno even though she didn’t know that super well. Most of her knowledge came from Tighnari mentioning him. But that and the fact she didn’t talk to him much meant that she really didn’t know him. It was entertaining to hear a few of his jokes though. The juxtaposition of the wordplay with how stoic his delivery was may have been the only reason she enjoyed them though.

While Kaveh acted as if he had known her for their entire lives. He was warm and welcoming. But also the moment she thanked him it was like he became a second sun in the room. He was extremely giving, offering to give her home interior design advice any time. It was evident in his face and how he spoke how much he appreciated the thanks even if it was just over what shape of rug to get.

It was enjoyable to be around all three of them. Though as nice as their company was it wasn't the reason she Had followed Tighnari along to his game night With his friends at the tavern. She still had a book in her bag that needed to be translated and there was no translator in sight.

“Tighinari, are you sure your translator is supposed to be here?”

“I’m sure he’ll show.”

“Translator?” Kaveh asked before his smile evaporated away. “You’re here for Al Haitham?”

“That’s a first,” Cyno commented.

“Well, now my translator has a name. But yes.” She pulled the book out of her bag. “My grandpa said it’s a family heirloom but no one in my family can even read it. Tighnari said that he’d be able to translate it for me.”

“At a horrible cost though. You couldn't have just sent her in the direction of the Akademiya?” Kaveh asked, being quite dramatic about the situation.

“I'd rather have someone that Tighnari trusts than some I don't know who. The book is an heirloom after all.”

“It will be fine,” Tighnari reassured, he pointed at the door. “Even then, he’s here.”

Al Haitham made his way over to their table. He sat down at the table already looking annoyed at who knows what.

Tighnari was kinda enough to briefly explain the situation to him along with a basic introduction. Even though Al Haitham had agreed to translate he looked as if Y/N's simple request was asking too much. Maybe a frown was just permanently etched into his face.

Al Haitham held the book looking over the cover. “To count the ways.” He translated the cover before flipping through the pages. His eyes widen skimming through the contents. He looked over at Y/N who looked brimming with excitement to learn what was in the book. “This is just erotica.”

Cyno slowly placed the cards in his hands on the table now fully paying attention to what was unfolding in front of him. Kaveh choked on his wine only for Tighnari to pat his back as he coughed. 

Y/N’s face dropped. “It's a heirloom. It’s been in my family longer than my grandpa has been alive. It can’t be. You must be mistranslating it.” She reasoned.

“Your heirloom is in an old form of a Fontaine language. A language I’ve been reading since I was 17. Do you want me to translate it aloud for you?” His words were an insult and a challenge to her.

“If you know it so well then could you give me a real translation.”

Al Haitham rolled his eyes opening the book back up. “Her eyes widen at the sight of his toned chest. In a frantic haze of want she quickly moved to help remove his belt excited to see the sight of his-”

Y/N snatched the book from his hands. Her face was warm with embarrassment. “It was nice talking with you three but I have to go.” She politely excused herself from others before turning to face Al Haitham. “You could drown in a ditch for all I care.”

[letteredlettered]

Related to your last post: For me tumblr would work better as a community site if there was a function that would hide reblogs of the same posts. I get overwhelmed if I follow more than ten people in the same fandom because of the repeating posts. With work and everything else, I don't have the hours to find the original things people are saying. Reddit works better sometimes except the subreddits often have very surface level discussions with high amount of newcomers asking the same questions and the topics are quite limited. Maybe I should just try if there is life on Dreamwidth :P

This ask is a response to this post I made about feedback to fic and fandom community.

Anon, I agree 100% regarding the difficulties of tumblr for discussion that builds community. If you're following this discussion, than you may have already seen these follow-ups:

@eleadore added their thoughts about preserving reader spaces in a reblog here

@yiiiiiiiikes25 added thoughts similar to yours re tumblr's poor functionality as a community space here

@thehoneybeet added to the post that sparked my post here, about how to foster the kind of community we're all saying we want.

I'm linking these posts because I want to call attention to them; I think they're great. But I'm linking them in response to you specifically because yes there are multiple vectors to this problem--the web enshittification I described in my post, the splintering of fandom after the death of livejournal, and the difficulty of tumblr as a venue.

But it's that last, the difficulty of tumblr as a venue, that means that even like-minded people who want the community we're discussing can't really have it. Some went to, and are still on, dreamwidth. Frankly, I still find myself deeply irritated that fandom didn't move there, that it accepted AO3 and not DW. But I think a large factor in that particular exodus actually has to do with the fact that AO3 is closer to the direction the enshittified web went than DW ever could be. AO3 has a "like" button and is not built for deep, meaningful interaction. Again, this is because it was meant to be a limb of the fandom community, not replace community entirely. I'm not claiming that AO3 is enshittified but rather that it bears more similarity to current social media sites because it's only one part of a community that was at the time, thriving (yes, in spite of strikethrough and everything that was happening on LJ at the time).

In my opinion, tumblr straddles the divide between that old style of community website and the new one. Like livejournal and DW, you can view tumblr chronologically, without an algorithm feeding you content. You can remain anonymous, and everyone can see anything you post. But like other more modern social media sites, you can reblog and like, which you couldn't do on LJ and DW. The fact that tumblr is sort of both--and that it wasn't sold to the Russians and torn apart, like LJ--is why fandom fled here and why scattered pieces of it remain here, despite so many others moving on.

One thing I wanted to talk about in my original post, but couldn't find a place for, was how so much of the "community" aspects of fandom are now private. I think that's happened partly because tumblr isn't a great place to hold a conversation, so the conversation quickly gets moved elsewhere--but instead of somewhere where everyone is still welcome (ahem, like Dreamwidth), it gets moved to private spaces. Or the conversation never starts and exists only in the kinds of spaces meant for such things.

@thehoneybeet makes great points about this in the post I linked above. They mention "the invite-only server, the private ao3 challenge, groups and experiences that you need to be in-the-know about to even begin to participate in. that, essentially, require an invitation."

@eleadore mentions it at the beginning of their reblog (also linked above), saying, "i feel discussions of this nature have been severely crippled over the yrs, and people prefer to take to private group chats and such instead of engaging [...]" But they go on to mention "private discord book club servers."

To be clear, I'm 100% with @eleadore about the necessity for spaces for readers, and also 100% with them at the idea that there can be spaces authors don't have to touch. Writers don't "deserve" to hear every single thing anyone's ever said about their fic, positive or negative. Earlier this year I in fact made an impassioned post about the fact that I believe that bookmarks are for readers, not writers, and that making them a space purely for an author's comfort limits the functionality of bookmarks for readers, both in terms of finding fic but also in terms of finding friends.

So, yes, I agree that it's okay to have private discord book club servers. But the mention of discord did make me do a double-take, because in my opinion, discord is a huge part of what I perceive as the problem. You can't find a discord for your chosen fandom by searching discord. You have to have the link. Even if the discord isn't invite-only--which many of them are, you can usually only get the link by knowing someone.

There are all kinds of reasons for why discord is so private. Discords are run by mods, who feel responsible for what happens to people in spaces for which they are responsible. And mods who take a laissez-faire "everyone just do what they want" approach often have servers dominated by people who make the environment difficult, sometimes through racism, sometimes through bullying, sometimes by constantly bringing up traumatic or triggering content, sometimes just by making everything about them all the time. It's not like lj or even tumblr, where you can just unfollow. You're kind of stuck, unless you've got a mod who is policing vigorously, which is a huge job and impossible to do in ways that will make everyone happy. It's just easier if you don't have anyone and everyone wandering through.

I hate that. It makes me want to throw things. To me, fandom is about a space that's for anyone and everyone. You shouldn't have to know someone to get to have discussions about the thing you love. That's not why I'm here. In fact, in some ways I'm in fandom to get away from that kind of bullshit, so I don't have to construct some kind of social persona that is palatable enough to be accepted. I'm hear to talk about blorbos and read porn, maybe write a thing or two. A private discord book club made intentionally as a safe space for readers is a great use for discord. But discord as a place for fandom actually makes me feel a little ill.

I don't have a good suggestion of where fandom community should be built. To me, the best place is dreamwidth, and I think that after fifteen years, I really need to give up on the idea that enough people will move there (in this economy????) to really get the numbers you need to be able to find the people with whom you really click and connect. When tumblr tried to ban nudes, a lot of people talked up other possibilities--and some people went, to Mastadon, to pillowfort, even to twitter and IG. But those spaces all have their downsides, and none of them have the critical mass to be a real fandom home. As before, I have no conclusions about this. I just wanted to highlight some other aspects of this problem and describe some other food for thought.

[qiu-yan]

16, 17, 22, 23 for the ask game?

choose violence ask game

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

answered here!

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

there's a decent amount of this sort of content already, but i'm always happy to see more content revolving around jiang cheng, jin guangyao, and qin su's coparenting adventures.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

honestly, i feel like all the parts of canon i enjoy have no shortage of other fans, due simply to how big and diverse this fandom is. that said...

canonically, the yiling patriarch was op as fuck. wei wuxian was not some uwu unfairly maligned defenseless innocent, he was one of the most powerful, genius, and dangerous people of his generation. wei wuxian is not weak! wei wuxian is a once-in-a-lifetime genius who invented entirely new modes of violence and cruelty, and being afraid of him is in fact an entirely understandable response!

one of the things i really appreciate about MDZS is that, from their own flawed and half-informed point of view, the public turning against wei wuxian was not entirely unreasonable. it's very easy to write a story in which The Evil Society turns against the Poor Maligned Protagonist for no good reason, thereby making it look like your fictional universe is inhabited purely by morons, but MXTX did not write that story. MXTX actually put thought into her story, so the internal logic guiding the public's actions, while flawed and morally corrupt, is still something the reader can logically follow. even if we disagree with their conclusions, we can still logically understand how the mob got from point A to point B.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

xicheng. for precisely one reason: it would make lan wangji really mad.

i already really enjoy the massive haters-forced-to-become-BILs relationship between lan wangji and jiang cheng. and now you're telling me there's a way we can add even more BIL drama to the mix? we can give lan wangji a reason to beef with jiang cheng that's entirely unrelated to wei wuxian? we can have someone provide snarky asshole commentary on how lan wangji ding dong ditched lan xichen at the end of canon? sign me up. i am already on board.

there are a lot of reasons to ship xicheng, and there are a lot of reasons not to ship xicheng. the xicheng that exists in my mind is just as much of a problem-causing ship as it is a problem-solving ship (a post for another day). but listen. i don't care about any of that. none of that matters to me. the one and only thing that does matter to me is making lan wangji seethe.

i've also come around to lan qiren x jiang cheng for similar (identical) reasons.

[danisdistant]

sunday - your past sins are meaningless - part three

[intro blog] | [taglist] | [masterlist] | [table of contents]

»» ──────ஓ๑ ★ ๑ஓ ────── ««

sunday stood behind you, his arms were crossed, and his wings were slightly parted downwards. he seemed like he was thinking intently, something you didn’t bother to interrupt.

“this place is the main communication center.” you said, pointing to the largest monitor in the center. “each one of us carry a type of… holographic device that we use to communicate with each other.”

“…i personally like to use my headset, but with the device we can see our members’ body languages as well.”

“i’m not that advanced with the tech, but i’d like to show you it in action.” you stepped closer to the monitor, while sunday cautiously followed.

you summoned a keyboard similar to silver wolf’s, although it was slightly less advanced and less powerful. it took merely a few seconds before you began to call kafka.

“hm? if it isn’t [name].” she spoke, smiling as a holographic form of her appeared from the ground. “i see you’re back from penacony. how’s our newest member?”

sunday raised an eyebrow upon listening to your conversation.

“uhmm..” you leaned a bit backwards to sunday, motioning with your hand to get closer. “come on, the hologram will be able to show you once you’re closer.”

“…and if i don’t want to be shown?” he raised an eyebrow, causing you to sigh in response. “come on, the device only picks up audio when you’re close to it. besides, i’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

sunday sighed, finally stepping closer after you mentioned the possibility of his questions getting answered. although, that doesn’t mean he wants to warm up to you or the other stellaron hunters.

"oh? well if it isn't sunday, former head of the oak family." kafka greeted, giving a small smile and wave. "i'd rather have greeted and introduce myself in person. but alas, i'm a few galaxies away."

"you and [name] claim that i'm a new member here." sunday said, crossing his arms. "…why? what exactly is your motive? surely by now, you have contacted the ipc and declared the amount of credits you want?”

“don’t be so foolish, sunday. as for why… well, i suppose elio saw you as a good fit for a stellaron hunter.” kafka answered, leaving sunday just as confused.

“a good fit? how ridiculous.” he gritted his teeth as his wings retracted slightly. “i’m nothing but a sinner, who betrayed the family’s beliefs for the order. what makes you think i won’t do the same, that i’ll betray the stellaron hunters?”

“that choice is yours, sunday." she replied after a hesitant pause. "while you believe that now, i believe that elio chose you because you're lost in life."

"just like how each and every one of us were."

her sentence hit a bit too close to home, causing you to briefly remember what your life felt like before kafka herself invited you to join. however, you weren't exactly sure if sunday found her answer sufficient.

as you took a glance at his expression, you were slightly surprised that he had some sort of lost expression. as if he too had a brief flashback to what he experienced in the past.

sunday shook his head, ruffled his wings, and asked one more question. "and what if i choose not to join? are you going to throw me back to the ipc's grasp?"

"of course not. after all, you're already our member." kafka gave another smile before sunday backed off, seemingly out of questions left to ask. "if that's all the question's you're going to ask, i'll go ahead and take my leave now. it's been a while since i've last checked up on blade."

while you waved goodbye, the hologram dissipated into nothingness, only leaving the sound of a commuter hum in the background. "you and her seem confident that i'm joining." sunday muttered after a pause.

"...that's because it's in our script." you replied, tucking the device back into your pocket. sunday raised one of his eyebrows in confusion. "script..."

"yeah, our script. have you not heard about elio and his script before?" you raised an eyebrow yourself, following in confusion. being the infamous stellaron hunters, you were certain that at least sunday would have known about what they do.

besides stealing stellarons of course.

"how can i simplify this.." you placed your finger on your chin as you summarized what sunday needs to know. "while kafka seems like the leader of our group to some, it's actually elio who leads all of us."

you explained who elio was, his future foreseeing abilities, and the scripts he orders the members to do. you even mentioned that sunday was in the script, being mentioned as a 'bird to be broken out of its cage.'

"so, let me get this straight." sunday sighed somewhat passive-aggressively. "you people have been following this person's orders who claim to see the future? and you haven't even seen elio in person?"

"kafka has." you rebutted. "although, i will admit we don't know much about his past. he's a cool guy though."

"take me to him." sunday mumbled, an order that surprised briefly. taking him to elio? well, that would be easy, if you knew exactly where he is at this moment. "well here's the thing... i don't exactly know—"

"yo, [name]!" silver wolf's voice interrupted you as she walked into the room, carrying a familiar object in her hand. "i've got a new script. the recipient is to you."

"and sunday."

»» ──────ஓ๑ ★ ๑ஓ ────── ««

the script seemed simple enough. ever since you broke sunday out and removed him from the ipc's grasp, it would make sense that they've been searching for him and the stellaron hunters ever since.

while it wasn't anything intense, your goal was to eliminate some of the ipc's top investigators who've been trying to find their location. even with silver wolf's encryption, somehow an unknown person keeps unencrypting it, leaving their location more vulnerable.

but, you were slightly surprised to see sunday's name mentioned. especially when he's just joined. more accurately, he's still considering on officially joining.

the two of you aren't planned to act till three days from now.

"hmmm... in the meanwhile, i think it's best for us to get some rest. i'm sure for you it's been a long day." you said, stretching your arms as sunday once again had that lost look in his eye. almost as though he doesn't know what option to pick.

in reality, he doesn't even know if he wants to join you and stellaron hunters. logically speaking, your faction seemed unstable. fragile. and weak. especially if the members are only following some strange being who sees the future.

but at the same time, the more he comes to learn about the stellaron hunters from you, the more he feels like this is the place he might be able to finally be free.

he's been deceived by his father ever since at a young age, he's betrayed his own sister following the order, and he's been locked up in chains for his crimes by the ipc.

what if... this was his chance where he might be able to move on from his past? away from the influences of gopher wood? away from the order? away from penacony?

'that choice is yours, sunday.' kafka's voice repeated itself in sunday's head. of course, it's his own choice.

should he finally lift his wings he's been told to never flap, and fly out to the stars? or, should he run back to the cage? a cage that's been beat and battered until it can no longer be recognized. a cage that no longer accepts it's own captive.

you've noticed that sunday hasn't spoken for a good while, which you assumed was because he's been lost in his own thoughts. although, it was completely understandable.

when kafka said that every one of the stellaron hunters were somehow lost in life, you knew she wasn't lying.

in fact she's the one along with firefly who approached you at the lowest point of your life. while you'd rather not remember the specifics, you remembered the feeling of how you were only drifting in life.

you couldn't make a choice in life even where an infinite amount of choices are at your disposal. what kafka and the others gave you, was a reason to make a choice.

even after your own flashbacks and thoughts, you noticed that sunday was still hesitating to say something. you sighed. "i thought i told you, you don't have to answer immediately."

"you can make your choice when it feels right. even after this mission. now come on, lemmie show you where the rooms are. there's an extra one for you to stay at."

sunday followed you, trailing not far behind. although, there's a slightly warmer feeling in his chest now that you've still given him a choice.

»» ──────ஓ๑ ★ ๑ஓ ────── ««

"i'm back.." you sighed, exhausted. "i gave sunday some of the leftovers and took him to the extra room. i thought that it would be best for him to rest for a good while."

"i heard you received another script from elio, [name]." firefly said behind some chopsticks full of noodles. you sat down on the couch nodding in response. "yeah, but it's nothing major. sunday and i are just going to get back at a couple of ipc members."

"if that's the case, you better make it quick." silver wolf munched at another potato chip. "one of the gacha games you play is going to update three days from now. if you don't get the head start, i might take the lead and get ahead of you."

"don't you dare..!"

[previous] | [next]

»» ──────ஓ๑ ★ ๑ஓ ────── ««

taglist: @vash-yuu

[cinnamonest]

Yandere twst - Kalim Al-Asim

Taking this as an opportunity to talk about my BOY my LOVE my ANGEL

I'm making not quite a profile but more of a general HCs post? This is similar to the one I did for Floyd, will probably make more in the future

Also Prefect!Darling because it just makes sense here I suppose, but prior to book 5, and pretend Grim is just... off doing his own thing

For once I'm doing a dubcon/consensual/semi consensual up until a point because I like the dynamic of "I liked you initially and agreed to a consensual relationship at first but now you're going too far and freaking me out" which I feel is a dynamic I don't touch on often enough so I'm changing that  >:3

//dubcon, yandere, alcohol consumption/one-sided drunk sex, dark content, fem darling, impreg mentions

Also go follow @inkblot22 !!

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You can't really go a long time on campus without knowing of Kalim. Not necessarily knowing him personally, but knowing of him, seeing him, hearing people mention him, being generally aware of him. Even if it weren't for his housewarden status, his personality and outgoingness tends to make him a well-known individual. Not to mention the degree to which he goes out of his way to meet people. Every time he sees a person he doesn't know, he usually takes the time to engage with them, and will at least know their name and face by the time the conversation ends.

Said encounter can be jarring; after all, you'll just be minding your business when some stranger comes bounding over with a startlingly loud voice and bright eyes and more energy than a wind turbine. If you're not the sort to be inclined to conversation with people you barely know, it's that much worse, although he can really tire out even the most extroverted of people anyway.

But that's the sort of person he is, that's what everyone else says, that's what you witness early on, so, you wouldn't think much of it, give it no real thought.

Not that he's a particularly self-aware person himself. He's prone to following whims and impulses, not stopping to think about the implications and meanings nor the consequences nor the way his actions and words will be perceived.

Your reaction to his presence is like that of most people -- a little bit overwhelmed by his energy, but the fact that he's so sincere and warm-hearted makes it impossible to really dislike him.

However, very early on, you do end up having to deal with his energy quite a bit, after you manage to get assigned some sort of project together, one random day during class. But still, it's not something you think much of. If anything, you're mostly just glad that it's someone you've already met, and that you got put with a rather genial person, when it could have been an unpleasant person. He's already talking rapidly about his vision for said project by the time you leave that day, so you exchange numbers, agree to meet the next day, and return to your own dorm.

It's a small project. Doesn't take too long, you just meet after class two days in a row, but each time, you leave totally exhausted. He's just so loud and so high-energy, it drains you. Still, who are you to complain? He's too sweet to be upset about it. Besides, it's just for a few days. Although he's quite talkative in general, you seem to really trigger a positive reaction in him when you casually inquire about something he's wearing, which then turns into a few questions about his homeland, out of pure curiosity. His eyes seem to light up, and he gets very enthusiastic talking all about it, seemingly pleased that you would want to know. A fairly normal interaction, and you're glad it seemed to make him so happy.

He seems to bond with you over that event, even though you didn't think you really got to know each other that well or anything. Regardless, he now comes to sit beside you in that class each day. Not that you mind. Even if he has so much energy, he's forced to be fairly quiet and still during the class itself (although he still does try to talk to you, which has resulted in the professors having to tell him to be quiet on multiple occasions).

You don't mind, either, when he begins to seek you out for lunches, and after class.  In fact, he quickly endears himself to you. It just happens naturally, he's good at doing so without intending to. How could you not like him, really? Sure, he can be loud and a bit overbearing, but he's so sweet and friendly and genial. He makes for a good friend, and you're rather grateful to have another familiar face and someone to rely on in the enigma of a situation you've found yourself in with this whole place. He gets along well with pretty much anyone he talks to as well, so you don't have to worry about him not mingling well with whoever else you might have with you or be talking to.

All in all, you think very little of his presence. He doesn't stand out to you or hold any greater significance to you than any of the other people you've become acquainted with.

...But that gradually begins to change. Not by any will of your own, but rather, because he essentially forces his way into omnipresence in your life.

He nearly gives you a heart attack the first morning you groggily make your way out the front door of Ramshackle just to be met with him standing right there. Yawning and sleepy, but still smiling. His walk to class takes him right by here anyway, figured he should start waiting for you!

It's a bit too much for your comfort, but such a thing aligns with the person you've come to know him to be, and really, it's a very considerate and kind gesture, isn't it? It may be a bit overbearing, but he has such good intentions, and what kind of person would be ungrateful for someone's kindness like that? In fact, you're rather pleasantly surprised he would consider you to be on such a level of friendship despite not having known each other all that long. Thus, you do your best to smile back and thank him for the gesture. It's not like it's a long walk to class anyway.

It becomes a fast routine. He's there in the mornings. He's there when classes let out for the lunch period, he manages to find you in the halls and get a few minutes of conversation in during the time between classes whenever possible. He's there at the end of the day, usually he keeps inviting you to the pop music club (or rather, the chatting and hangout spot that takes place in what's supposed to be the pop music club). But once more, you're grateful for the company and opportunity to become acquainted with others, and it's not like it takes that much time. He always bids you farewell at the end of the club's designated time, so, you get to then go home to your more tranquil dorm environment. Tiring, yes, but you don't dislike the time you spend with them at all, they're very pleasant to be around.

Likewise, although you might have had a nice relaxing evening at home planned, you gladly accept the extension of hospitality and gesture of kindness by saying yes to the invitation to come by the Scarabia dorm. Apparently they all have big dorm-wide social events on Friday nights and Saturday nights where everyone sits around and eats and drinks and talks. It's very pleasant. Again, another very tiring ordeal, but everyone is so upbeat and friendly with you, and you do have fun each time you go. Which starts off being every now and then, and quickly becomes each week. Not that he keeps asking, but rather, he seems to start assuming you'll come, mentioning later tonight or when you get there in conversation and the like.

It's nice. It's a kind gesture. It's something you should be thankful for. But... it's just getting to be more than you can handle.

One Friday in particular, as you walk out of class and back towards the dorms, serves as a bit of a breaking point. You hate to hurt his feelings or anything, but you're utterly exhausted from a rather rough week. You feel a twinge of frustration when he starts talking about the upcoming night as per usual, which would now be in just a matter of a few hours.

You take a deep breath.

Actually, Kalim...

You tell him in the nicest way you can, that you're very, very tired, and don't think you have the energy to be interacting with a bunch of people, in those exact words. You brace yourself to feel a little guilty at his disappointment.

But no, he just smiles. That's fine! Don't worry. You go on ahead and go back to your dorm, and he'll be back in just a little while.

You nod. Oh, thank y--

Wait.

You pause, start to question, but when you tilt your head up, he's already run off, rushing back to his own dorm.

...'be back'?

You don't like the implications of that wording. Still, you groggily shuffle your way back to your dorm, not bothering to undress for the day, seeing as you have a feeling you won't be left alone... at least you get about half an hour of rest in before he comes barging into Ramshackle without so much as a warning knock.

Carrying what appears to be containers of food. Can't let you go hungry! Besides, you're tired, so you probably wouldn't have the energy to make any for yourself, so he just picked up some of the food that was being made for the event.

You stand quiet and still for a few moments, taking it all in, but manage to stutter out some thanks as you take it out of of his hands. Was he just coming to drop that off, or...?

Apparently not. As he wanders over and plops down on your couch (still talking, although you're too tired to even really process what he's saying), it becomes clear he's not going anywhere.

At first, you feel a bit of frustration, but then again, you do like him, he's fun to be around, and he went out of his way to be so helpful to you... when you think about it like that, you feel a bit guilty for even being frustrated in the first place. Besides, he's more calm and less loud when it's just the two of you, and not a full crowd, so it should be easier. You end up talking a while about nothing in particular, and at the end of the night (when after quite a few attempts to hint that you're very tired, he finally seems to get it and heads home), you find that you were glad he did that for you.

Yes, you're very grateful for the companionship. You become more and more used to him and his ways with time, anyway, as the days go on, as you spend more and more time together, and as he starts sitting next to you with each class.

He tends to invade your personal space a bit, but as with everything else, it's well-intentioned and you can't be too upset about it. He tends to forget his textbook as a regular occurrence, and so you end up sharing one, moving the chairs closer to meet in the middle so you can both look over it better. He's very upbeat and lively as always throughout the classes, especially at the 8 a.m. class, when you're really, really not quite mentally ready to deal with his energy just yet... but you manage.

He becomes more affectionate over time, too. Some of his affectionate intentions tend to backfire, though. Namely, gifts. It's a default way of his to try and earn people's favor, although that end is more subconscious -- he mostly just likes giving gifts because he likes getting praise and thanks and seeing people in awe and happy.

Kalim has very little concept of monetary value besides "more expensive = better = more affection points from recipient," so predictably, he just tends to think of gifts and then purchase the most expensive version of that thing that he can. Bonus points if it's truly a one-of-a-kind sort of thing -- no, this isn't just "a" gemstone, it's the only one specifically worn by this person or present at this historical event, and he just so happened to call home and convince his parents to have it extracted from the museum and turned into something for you instead! Neat, right?

He fails to realize that this might be more unpleasant for some people who might feel overwhelmed or guilty or pressured by such an act, as you quickly become. You can't even wear it all every day, seeing as you soon have three, four, five, and so on of the pieces he gives you, and you can only wear one at a time. And just the thought of having it makes you nervous... what are you supposed to do with a piece of jewelry that costs as much as a house? Obviously you wear it, but it almost feels wrong to just set it on the nightstand when you take it off... and what happens if you lose it? Ugh.

He's very touchy, too. The closer you get to him socially, the touchier he gets. It starts off as grabbing you by the wrist or an arm over your shoulder, but quickly progresses to leaning on you, wrapping arms around you, and so on, the more you get to know him. You grind your teeth and put up with it for a while, telling yourself it's not bad enough that it's worth the awkwardness of asking him to stop. Besides, he means well, you know that... and on top of that, maybe it's a cultural difference? You're not really familiar with Scalding Sands social and interpersonal norms or anything. Yeah, that's probably it.

All of it gradually manifests into a more pressing matter. The more attentive to you he becomes, the closer to you he gets, the more time you spend together -- it becomes more and more clear that he has feelings and intentions that venture beyond the platonic.

You suppose you should have prepared for that possibility, but still, you don't want to rush to conclusions or make assumptions, so at first, you take the small indicators into account, but give the benefit of the doubt. It becomes more difficult to do so, though, the more affectionate he becomes. You're pretty sure it's not very normal to give so many gifts, to spend so much time together, to be so touchy, if not for some deeper intention, conscious or not.

But that would be alright, wouldn't it? Maybe you should give it a chance. You can't see why not, can't think of any reason in particular it would be a bad idea or anything, other than maybe his high energy, which you're sure you could work with.

You never initiate or say anything about it, you decide to sort of leave the matter up in the air so to speak, but you don't resist or discourage him. You decide that the approach you'll take is that if something develops, that's fine, and if not, that's fine too. You just leave any initiative matters up to him.

As for him, despite his tendencies to be rather dense, he actually has no trouble recognizing the feeling he has for what it is, doesn't go through that stage that some equally dense individuals go through where they don't understand what they feel or why. Probably because his parents keep hounding him about getting married. People of his class standing tend to get married exceptionally young, you see. So he's been more or less raised to have that on his mind. Not to mention, he's not really easily embarrassed, so the natural shyness most people have on matters of that nature just doesn't come to him.

However, there's a distinct lack of a critical element found in virtually and literally anyone else: Kalim has no fear of rejection.

Not because he's overly-confident or has thought it through, but because the very concept does not occur to him.

It's one part of a much, much bigger, more significant issue, one that you haven't quite realized the severity of just yet. In fact, it's a major part of the reason he's always so good-natured, the reason you never see him mad. It's because, for most of his life, he has almost never, ever, been told one specific word.

'No.'

The thought of something not going the way he wants it to just... doesn't really cross his mind.

He's never really been told no on something he truly wants. Minor details have to be changed? Sure. Being made to compromise on insignificant things? Yeah, plenty of times. But there is a simple set of rules his parents and servants have always abided by. If he really wants something unrealistic, try and present alternatives or persuade him against it, sure, that's fine. But if he rejects both of those things, if he insists a third time that he wants something and will not take an alternative, it's easier to just let him have whatever he wants.

And if it is something one of its kind, an obtainable thing that can be had by only one, then he will be the one to have it. Simple as. And when it comes to being friends or people being around him or just being able to spend time with someone, he has almost never been told he can't have what he wants.

Consequently, on the rare occasion he's told "no," it just... goes in one ear and out the other. He doesn't get mad, no, it's like his brain simply refuses to process the word, the idea that he truly, absolutely cannot have what he wants. It's like a computer going to an error screen. His smile doesn't break for a second. He'll usually just misinterpret what the other party means, or assume it's due to a certain condition that must be met. Rarely does he ever have to hear a steadfast, resounding, firm "no."

Besides, as far as he's aware, you've shown no negative reactions towards anything he does, so he has no reason to think about that anyway.

It just all sort of lines up perfectly in his head. In fact, in his mind, he would already consider you to be "together" in an "official" sense, even if you've never actually spoken of it. After all, you've never turned him away, right? That's basically the same thing. Still, there's supposed to be like, steps to these sorts of things, you escalate various stages of relationships and all.

And that is about to open a world of problems.

One of the major issues you encounter with Kalim is a lack of emotional, social maturity. He's not particularly considerate. Well, rather, he bounces back and forth. He'll be very considerate in the sense that he's always thinking of you, always getting things for you and trying to make you happy in various ways. However, when he wants something, he has a tendency to think of no one besides himself. He's not so much intentionally inconsiderate or anything, so much as he just... doesn't think. He wasn't raised to really ever consider other people. All those basic life lessons about sharing, compromising, doing what someone else wants to do even if you don't really want to because they're your friend, to consider what the other person might want or feel before acting, and so on that most people learn from their parents as kids? He never got any of that.

Similarly, he's never really been taught that sometimes, one must supress their own whims and feelings and desires in the moment, that sometimes it's best to do what someone else wants. Again, this isn't malicious; if anything it's done with good intentions and a happy heart. He just doesn't stop to consider anything other than what he wants, when he wants it, however inconvenient it may be for anyone or everyone else.

And most importantly, he's never been taught to stop and consider that just because he wants to do something with someone, the other person might not want to.

There's another issue, then, regarding that. See, he's also rarely been scolded or reprimanded for how he chooses to do things, how he goes about his decisions and actions. He's never really stopped to consider how things he does might harm other people. This all amounts to an issue, one that would perhaps shock people. His moral compass isn't... fully intact.

Not to be misunderstood -- he's naturally benevolent and sweet, yes, but he's also never really been in a position where he even wanted to do anything really bad. That is to say, he's naturally inclined to doing good, but people might be shocked to learn that if he wants something, he might -- without really even being aware of it -- take jarringly unethical measures to do so.

He just doesn't perceive it as selfish. Doesn't realize it might hurt someone. Again, he has the best of intentions, and he would hate to have learned he's done something that hurt someone, but he doesn't stop for a second to contemplate whether or not he should be acting on his impulses and urges and desires beforehand, he has no foresight.

He thinks about it very logically, though, on his end. Usually, people are hesitant to do things that might be embarrassing or that they may not be comfortable with yet. But he doesn't consider that roundabout ways of coercion to get someone to do something out of their current realm of comfort might be wrong -- no, he just sees it in a practical way.

So it's easy. He has a very helpful tool at his disposal.

You're well aware by now that every time the dorm gets together, they tend to drink. He's not a true alcoholic or anything, no, more like just the kind of kid that likes to party hard and black out on weekends. Scalding Sands has its own variants of strong liquors, and as with any country, there are certain regions of the nation known for being home to heavy drinkers. Yes, it's true you're not technically supposed to have alcohol on campus, but exceptions can be made for uh... cultural traditions. The administration just doesn't need to know about how those weekend night social events are also home to drinking competitions, and it'll be fine.

Alcohol is a very practical tool, in a social setting. It helps people loosen up, makes them less nervous. Lowers their inhibitions. Their "true" self often comes out. And most importantly, they're easily persuaded. This is frequently used, thus, to ensure transparency in gatherings between high-status individuals.

You've normally declined in the past, instead choosing to sit back and watch everyone else get wasted... but you just need encouragement. You notice, the next time you go over, just how heavily he's pushing it on you. You have to try this, it's the something-something or another, only available from this one particular small town in the middle of nowhere and takes a hundred years before it's served, etc etc, that sort of thing.

If you're too resistant, eventually he just ends up more or less forcing it on you, pushing it into your hands so you instinctively grasp so it won't fall and moving away before you can try and get him to take it back. And if that doesn't work, he can just get you other drinks that have alcohol very well-masked by other strong flavors and either hot or frozen to somewhat mask the burn, getting you to drink a large amount in a very short time. If all else fails, feeding you incredibly spicy food and ensuring the nearest available drink is high-content always works.

Even without inebriating substances involved, he's loud and sociable and bubbly and pushy — the former traits help him to exercise the last without consequence. When you're mean, of course, people will react negatively to being pushy, but when you're nice, when you're a sweet energetic person? They oblige more often. So when it's forced upon you, you eventually reluctantly agree. You're a bit confused by the sudden pushiness, but it will be alright... you imagine. You end up saying something about how you don't feel great, that your head hurts. You keep leaning over on him, resting your head on his shoulder. The other students are so loud and rambunctious. Your eyebrows furrow and you shake your head as you ask if you can go find a quieter spot.

Oh, that works perfectly then. Don't even have to convince you to go.

Intentionally getting you intoxicated might sound bad, might seem like the sort of thing a scummy person would do... to a normal person. To him, though, it's just a very logical means to a well-thought-out plan. Even if, for a split second, the notion did strike him that it might not be the most ethical choice, he still won't think of it as that bad. If he really wants something, any means to obtain it will be rationalized as okay one way or another.

And if he can't justify it? He just ignores it. He is entirely capable of simply shutting his brain down and completely blocking out the realization of something being wrong. In fact, he essentially just does so automatically, so it's not really shutting his brain down, so much as just acting without taking into account any ethics in the first place, essentially never turning his brain on. It's not really even so much convincing himself, nor feigning ignorance, it's that he can quite literally close his mind to any thoughts of the deeper consequences and significance of anything he's doing. Not to mention, he's not entirely sober himself, so it's basically mutual inebriation.

Besides, you're really cute like this! Stumbling around and all, you keep asking where you're going. Thankfully it's easy to slip away unnoticed, and his room isn't that far either. You mumble some thanks for letting you lay down.

You curse yourself in your head for allowing yourself to get so bad. Your limbs feel all loosened up, you feel warm and somewhat tired. There's still perhaps some faint alarm bells going off in your head, that you probably shouldn't be doing this, and should probably ask to be taken back to Ramshackle instead, but that seems so far away, you don't want to take the effort.

You're jolted out of your spacey thoughts by the mattress shifting. When did you sit on the bed? Eh... no big deal.

But you're aware of the tension, even in your current state. Yeah, when you think about it, although it doesn't carry the sense of offense and disbelief you might have felt if in a clearer state of mind, you can put two and two together, you know exactly what he wants.

It does strike you as an immediate poor decision. You do like him, but you'd normally not rush into something like that, nor would doing it like this be the best idea.

But hey, maybe it will help? Or so says your compromised mind. He's a teenage boy and all, maybe if he gets what he wants he'll actually calm down a little. Maybe he'll lose part of his infatuation too. That's normal, isn't it? People really want to obtain some sort of "prize," but after obtaining it they stop being so pushy and obsessive to get it. He could stand to calm down a bit with how intense he is towards you.

And besides, maybe it's just the mood, maybe you did drink a bit too much, but it can't make things worse, right...?

Your mind seems to suspend the thought. You're not sure what conclusion you would come to, because the next thing you know, you're grimacing as the sunlight hits your eyes through the window quite unpleasantly.

Wait.

You piece things together. The arm looped around your body, pulling you close, the heavy, slow breathing in your ear. And the soreness speaks for itself.

You do remember things, as you start to try to recall. It was kind of like a puppy that's been made to sit and wait for a treat, finally getting the go-ahead to gobble it up. You don't remember too much of the event, but you do remember the entire bedframe rocking back and forth from the sheer force you were being jackhammered with.

You don't remember anything he might have said. You don't remember anything you might have said.

You spend a while laying in bed, contemplating your life choices... but you can smell alcohol on him too, so it's not like it was intentionally planned or anything. The very notion is immediately dismissed -- you're certain he wouldn't do that. Still, you'll have to just try and deal with the initial awkwardness and embarrassment that inherently comes when people sleep together and then have to acknowledge and address it the next morning, and move on from here. Not the best way to start a relationship, but not the worst. And you're certain it will work out alright.

It is awkward, at least for you. You get the sense he's quite happy, though, doesn't seem to have any negative reaction or even surprise when you nudge him awake. There is that sort of inherent embarrassing nature to the matter, some awkward chuckles and sheepishness from him, but you can tell he's content. You manage to muster out the uncomfortable question that you feel does need to be confirmed -- so... you're okay with this... continuing, right?

He seems almost perplexed by it, smile dropping to a look of mild confusion. Mm? Aren't you?

You just shake your head, smile, dismiss any concerns with something about how you just wanted to be sure. Yeah... this turned out to not be so bad. He'll probably calm down a lot now. And if it doesn't work out, you're sure you'll stay friends.

...

He does not, in fact, calm down.

If anything, he gets more intense. He still wants you to stay over the next night. You contemplate for a second maybe telling him that it was a bit rushed, maybe you're moving too fast and that maybe you should hold off before you do it again, but... ah, he's so eager, you'd feel bad for disappointing him... and thus, within a while, you find yourself with your thighs and arms wrapped around him again, trying to let go of any discomfort and just enjoy the moment. It's a bit more intimate and vulnerable and all when you have full mental clarity, but you suppose that makes it more endearing, too. Besides, he's so sweet and cuddly afterwards, which helps to alleviate your nerves.

And then, when the next class day rolls around, he wants to walk to class together, as usual... but this time, he grabs your hand, interlaces your fingers. Which is normal. You don't mind at all. Sitting next to each other, talking... all things you were doing already.

You can't help but feel, though, that the intensity has been turned up to some extent. Before, you would at least have a few moments to yourself, he would occasionally give you some semblance of space, would sometimes talk to other people on his own, would sometimes need to take care of something else before coming to talk to you... unlike now.

Now, rather than each of you heading back to your own dorms at the end of the day, he takes the turn to head back to Scarabia... still holding your hand, chattering away. You clear your throat, mention that your dorm is the other way.

Oh, did you need to grab something first?

...Well, spending another night in Scarabia won't hurt, even if it is a night you have school the next day. You just end up grabbing some clothes for the next day.

And then the next day, he does the same. You try to off-handedly mention again, that all your things are in the dorm.

Oh! Right, that. He's been meaning to ask about that! Good thing you brought it up. Your dorm is, you know, a bit dilapidated and all. There's plenty of spare rooms in Scarabia, though, you could just talk to the headmage and he'd probably let you do it!

Oh, aha... maybe....

You manage to change the subject. You're certainly not quite ready for that much just yet. At first, you figure it was just something he was saying as a vague notion, the sort of thing one might say would be nice but have no real intention of following through, or just said as a courtesy. He brings it up more and more often, though, and it soon becomes clear that he's serious, and actually quite adamant about it.

You keep coming up with excuses to get out of the matter. Oh, I went by his office and he wasn't there... Well, I'll have to ask Grim and see how he feels... so on and so on.

Most people might take the hint that you don't really want to and are just being polite... but not Kalim.

No, instead, he figures he might as well just take care of it for you! He has some free time while you're occupied, so, he'll just go to the headmage himself and get it worked out. It's not like he's going to tell him 'no,' right? Some people say the headmage can be a bit particular or stubborn on his decisions, but for him, he'd say that hasn't been his experience. That does tend to happen to him quite a bit, actually, he's pretty sure he just has a talent for making stubborn people more agreeable, for some reason. It's pretty rare for anyone to deny him a request.

You're caught quite off-guard, then, when you come slowly trudging back after a particularly exhausting day and --why are there people in my dorm.

A handful of scarlet-clad students, carrying boxes of your belongings out of the dorm. One very recognizable one in particular standing off to the side, seemingly directing the tasks. You slowly make your way over, slack-jawed and struck silent in bewilderment.

Oh, you're already here! Well, guess what? Crowley said it was fine! He got a quick moving crew together, thankfully didn't need too many people, since you don't have a whole lot of stuff. Wasn't it nice of them to volunteer? Anyway--

You stand there utterly flabbergasted, blinking, sputtering, stammering as you try to think of something to say. You weren't actually expecting him to be so bold as to do it himself... and it's all happening so fast, you end up more or less stiffly standing still and watching it all happen. They're already pretty much done, and carrying all your things back with them. These guys put in the effort to do this, and they're already walking off as you're trying to get out of your stupor, and your exhaustion isn't helping you form the right words.

You just get grabbed by the wrist as per usual before you even can say anything. Anything you might have started to say would be drowned out anyway, as you're now told in rapid speech about how there's already a spare room for you, it's actually next to his own, it's supposed to be for guests and stuff but they'll make a different room the designated guest room so that you can have the one close to him! Nice, right?

He keeps talking. You sputter and try to start speaking a few times, but words fail you. They've already taken everything out, it's too late to ask them to take it back... so, it seems you're stuck.

Well that's... that's....

Okay. That's alright. Maybe it's a bit too much, but... like always, he meant well, right? And this is normal, yeah, you're supposed to learn to tolerate and accept that your partner will sometimes create hassles and issues. So... you can accept this. It's such a nice gesture, it's only polite to accept, isn't it? Besides, you've already been spending most nights there anyway... you can get used to it, yeah.

There are a lot of perks. No ceiling leaks or drafts in the middle of the night. The furniture doesn't have years worth of layers of dust, there's other people around. In truth, it actually helps your mental state to have other people nearby in the evenings, so it's not always just the two of you for hours on end... not that you mind, of course, but sometimes it can get a little... suffocating, without other people.

Now, you can come by the public lounge of the dorm more often too, mingle with the other students in their lounge area. You often take the opportunity to sit and talk with them in the evenings. You start to find that you're somewhat glad you made the transition, as the whole spirit of camaraderie thing, having a small community to live with, is actually rather pleasant.

He thinks it's nice to see you get to interact with all the students in the dorm, too.

...It is nice, isn't it?

It should be. You enjoying yourself and meeting people who are nice to you naturally should induce a good feeling, he should be happy for you.

For some reason, though, it doesn't feel that way.

Instead, he starts to feel kind of sick, nauseous. And some sort of tight, constricting feeling to his chest. Like he can't breathe.

When he's irritated or frustrated, he might get whiny, but it's very easy to tell when he's deeply, truly upset by something: he gets quiet. It's so uncharacteristic that it's immediately noticeable, the lack of his voice and laughter, instead he just sits there, arms folded, eyebrows just barely furrowed as he looks towards the ground, as if perplexed. Still, he wouldn't want to ruin the mood. So even when you turn your head towards him, eyebrows raised as you ask if something is wrong, saying he's not saying much, he manages to smile anyway, say he's tired. Maybe that's true, too, maybe he needs to sleep the feeling off.

Well, if he could sleep in the first place. But instead, that night, he ends up flat on his back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Barely sleeps the whole night. Keeps looking over at you as you sleep, shifting and wrapping his arms around you tighter and tighter. The burning, gnawing, tight feeling persists. Maybe he ate too much.

But it continues to persist. Well into the next day. He's visibly tired, keeps nodding off in class, eyes slowly closing and head slowly drooping down until he snaps back awake, jerking his head back up, and repeat, over and over. You ask if something is wrong again. He just says he couldn't sleep for some reason, but still gives you a smile. And, of course, immediately takes the opportunity to ask what you want to do later today. No question of if you're free or if you're even up to it.

From that night you first noticed he was oddly quiet and onward, he seems to become more prone to wanting to spend time alone with you. Doesn't spend as much time in the club room, doesn't spend as much time in the lounge with the other students. Instead, you end up just in his room quite often... you get the sense that he's more at ease that way, seems less fidgety.

Besides, it's not as if he has too many moments where he doesn't have the reassurance of your presence. Outside of a few specific classes, you're with him pretty much all day, every day. His lack of consideration resurfaces. He'll drag you around to wherever he feels like going, often not asking before just grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you along. But you're fairly easygoing, and it's not like you don't usually end up enjoying however you spend your time, even if it is dictated to you without any consideration.

You don't have any excuse to go home in the evenings now though, since in his mind, apparently, you should now be spending your nights together. Every waking second. You didn't really think that having spent the night together once really meant you had to start it as a routine, but you don't want to hurt his feelings and all. He does tend to detract from the quality of your studying, though, seeing as he likes to talk quite a bit. Sure, you say you're studying, and he agrees to be quiet... for a few minutes. Then he seems to forget.

Or he might just get a little upset about it. It's rare to see him unhappy, but when he does get sort of frustrated, it manifests as being whiny, demanding your attention. He sighs and hangs his head, pouts if you continue to fail to give him attention.

Hey, come on... you've been going at that forever, I'm right here...

He drags his speech out and raises the pitch of his voice in a rather annoying whine. Not that "forever" is a very long time in reality, it usually only takes about five minutes of your attention not being focused on him that he gets visibly fidgety, and he'll start voicing his feelings regarding your cruel neglect after about ten minutes.

But he's very easy to placate. The moment you turn your attention back to him, give him some pats on the head or sit in his lap and hold him close, he goes back to content smiles and cheerfulness, like a child who finally got his way after being a brat until the parent gives in. At least that makes it easy to manage, so you tell yourself. A lot of your study sessions are now spent with your book on the bed, neck craned to read it as you let him keep a tight embrace around you, nuzzling you throughout the night. Your grades do decrease nonetheless.

In fact, at this point, he practically never takes his hands off of you. Constantly has his arms wrapped around your body, holding you close to him. That same lack of concept of personal space he has, and general social obtuseness, also ties into another issue he has in which he has no shame over excessive PDA. That touchiness and physical clinginess has gotten bad enough that the teachers have had to tell him it's inappropriate for the school environment more than once now. He won't hesitate to hold his arms around you or lean up against you even while talking to others. It's a bit embarrassing, but it's also quite sweet, really. You don't mind, although you do have to tell him to hold back a little bit, if people are looking, or if he's at risk of getting reprimanded by a nearby faculty member again.

That being said... it's nothing compared to the touchiness whenever you're alone.

Kalim has all the sexual eagerness and energy you'd expect from a teenage boy and then some. It can be a bit overwhelming, even.

Granted, you did have to teach him quite a bit, he was rather clueless in the beginning, but he quickly gets over that learning curve.

You're convinced it's all the boy thinks about. Every single opportunity. Even with how physically affectionate he is, even if it starts in a wholesome way, you can always feel his hands wander across your body, just barely resting on the border of what would be completely socially inappropriate in front of others, and the moment everyone else clears out or you leave whatever public space you were in, he takes it like a green light to grope you further. And the moment you get to be truly alone and behind closed doors, you're practically pounced on... not that it's limited to being in the dorms. The club room also works just fine, every now and then when Cater and Lilia just so happen to both be busy with something else. There's still a risk of someone walking by, but he insists it's not that big of a deal.

Even at lunch, in any spare time, whenever they have some form of event or announcement requiring all students to congregate in one room, he's always pressed up to you, always tilts his gaze up and down your figure, always lets his hands brush against your sides or your thighs, like he's about to burst with the extent of urges and excitement he's just barely holding back -- all of which gets unleashed on you at once whenever you do get back to your room for the day. Several times in a row. You're always left sore and spent, gasping for breath, lying flat on your back, drenched in sweat, staring up at the ceiling wondering how on earth it is humanly possible for one boy to be that horny. Even if there's the slightest sliver of opportunity, he'll take it. Truly a one-track mind.

One particular occurrence that quickly becomes habit is how he'll pull you into his lap while sitting cross-legged on the floor and rut into you like that — of course, there's not really a lot of thrusting or in-and-out movement that way, it's more grinding than anything, but it's still good, far more than you'd admit, with the way it grinds the most sensitive spots of your body against his. Besides, having you just perfectly elevated above his own position like that gives the opportunity to suckle on your tits the whole time, too.

And none of it is with asking you, or waiting for any signal of approval or anything. You imagine that, as with everything else, he doesn't consider that. He always seems happy though, always smiling and hugging you tight and talking about something or another while you lay in bed.

The daily cycle repeats and repeats. You do feel a bit more stressed than you used to, sort of... overwhelmed. Suffocated. You try to swallow it down.

Ultimately, this means that while your time is completely consumed by him, the inverse is true as well.

On that note, you do get the sense that Jamil quite appreciates you occupying so much of Kalim's time. The poor man hasn't had this much peace and tranquility in his life from the moment he was born. He certainly seems to encourage it from the beginning, even before you moved in, he would often not so subtly suggest you come by the dorm (please), Kalim really likes having you around, so you could occupy his time for a while (please), and, you know,  keep him out of any antics (PLEASE). He seems to mention it virtually every time you see him, like you're some kind of fallback system he's come to depend on, or how someone might keep a certain toy to give to a kid to keep it distracted and entertained for a while. He doesn't even seem to mind picking up some of the tasks Kalim would otherwise do himself -- you imagine that he can get it done faster and more efficiently on his own, whereas involving the often airheaded housewarden might just cause problems in and of itself. For the most part, he seems to stay out of your way... you imagine he's off enjoying his free time.

However, this does also mean that some of the housewarden duties that Kalim has to be the one to do are getting neglected. Jamil has to occasionally come knocking and tell him to do this or that, because he's been putting it off for days now and the headmage is going to find out and no one wants to have to sort through whatever mess will result if he doesn't get it done. You, of course, usually get dragged into helping with whatever the task at hand is. You've written more than one speech for him now. Admittedly, trying to get any actual work done with Kalim can be incredibly frustrating, as he's so easily distracted. You have to essentially corral him back into getting things done. Okay, we can look at that later, but we have to get this done first, remember? It feels like tutoring a rambunctious kid. Tasks that should reasonably take half an hour take several hours.

But still, with everything you two do together, it's getting more and more isolated, increasingly so. You can't help but notice. Even on the weekends, he often now brings food back to his room and eats with you, rather than going back out to where everyone else is. When you ask, he just says he's kind of tired tonight. Every now and then, he'll have turned his back on you because he was grabbing something or working with something, just for a few seconds, and when he turns around, you're talking to someone... he always comes walking up. Gets very close to you, tries to butt in on the conversation. He's cheery as always, but there's still some unnerving aura to it... or maybe you're just imagining it, so you tell yourself.

On and on it goes.

It's one of those situations that you're consciously aware of, that you know is increasing in intensity, but it does so in just a perfectly gradual way, so that you don't fully realize just how bad it's gotten or how abnormal it really is until it one day just suddenly dawns on you. Where you know you ought to do something, that you can't let this go on and that it can't last forever, but you keep pushing it away by telling yourself it's not that big of a deal and you can ignore it for now -- until you eventually realize that it now is that big of a deal and you can't keep ignoring it.

You're forced to realize it, after one particular occurrence. It's no big deal. Nothing of consequence. You forget to hand in a paper during class, and it thankfully occurs to you just as you're leaving and walking down the halls. Normally, for the very last class, Kalim just heads to the club room and waits for you to get there, since it's the room right next to where he is when classes end (the walk itself is a three-minute period you're quite grateful to have to yourself). So, you're still by yourself when you realize it, almost halfway down the stairs. You turn back, quickly make your way back to the classroom to catch the teacher before he leaves. You exchange a few brief words, just one of those small casual conversations where the teacher asks you if you need anything else, congratulates you on doing well on the last exam, briefly mentions something about an upcoming event day and asks about your plans for it. Small talk. Maybe ten minutes. You bid him farewell. Exit the room.

And are nearly tackled just a few steps out of the room.

There you are!

You lose your balance, would have fallen over if not for Kalim's arms clinging to your body.

Where were you? You didn't show up for a while, he was getting really concerned, and did you not check your phone because he sent you like ten texts the past few minutes and what were you busy with anyway and Lilia kept trying to tell him to stay and wait for you but he couldn't just do that so he came looking for you and found you and now here you are! Ah... don't worry him like that, okay?

You stand there, blinking, slackjawed. O-Okay... Sorry, I--I didn't...

Nah, don't worry, it's all good! He's back to smiling now. He was just super worried, but it's okay, you just forgot to tell him. He forgets stuff all the time, so he gets it. Anyway...

He changes the subject as he turns back to walk back to the club room -- but you can't help but notice the iron grip on your wrist is far tighter than normal, practically dragging you away. You don't really pay much attention to what he's saying. You feel a twisting, heavy sensation in your gut. That in and of itself wasn't particularly bad, but somehow, it seems to make it all come together, it all seems to sort of click with you all at once. Perhaps you were just giving him the benefit of the doubt because he's so sweet, or just ignoring it for the same reason, but you come to the unnerving realization of just how truly abnormal this is. You know it's not normal, and really, not acceptable, not healthy. You start thinking back to things in the past you've just let slide, realizing it probably wasn't the best idea.

You're so overwhelmed, it feels like you're going crazy. He's so nice, he really is, but you just can't take it. You even try saying something about how you need "space," but it goes in one ear and out the other -- he interprets that as not being quite as physically clingy for a few days before going right back to it.

It's from that resolution that, after one long night of sleeplessly mulling it over, you make a mistake: you start to try and avoid him.

Just a little. You figure it can't hurt, he won't notice. You just... try to get a bit of time to yourself. When you don't have a class with him, you rush out the door as soon as the class lets out rather than taking your time when packing up, to ensure he doesn't have time to get there before you exit the room. That way, you can take a few minutes to yourself, walk around campus or sit on a bench and enjoy not having someone breathing down your neck and looking over your shoulder the whole time.

Using the previous event that he got so worked up over as inspiration, you'll say you forgot to turn something in for a teacher and use the excuse to go run off and take a few minutes to sit in a room by yourself, sometimes intentionally "forgetting" to drop it off or turn it in so you can hold out the assignment in question to validate the excuse by him seeing it with his own eyes, avoiding suspicion. Whenever you get a spare moment where he's busy, you'll wander off somewhere he can't find you. Ignore his texts for a few minutes, claim you didn't see it because your phone was on silent for class earlier. Wait for him to come looking for you. Sometimes when the dorm students are all hanging out, you make some excuse to leave -- ah, my head hurts. Or I'm really exhausted. Or I'm not feeling so good. Soon followed, of course, with insistence on him staying. No, no, don't worry about me, I'm just going to lay down, I don't want to keep you from having fun... you can just come check on me later, right...? And he'll usually oblige after you insist a few times.

Not everyday, so as to not make it obvious, just every few days or so, you take the opportunities you get to catch some time to yourself. So on and so on. Surely he won't really notice. It's just a few minutes here and there. You're still spending the vast majority of every waking moment with him.

And at first, you're pretty sure he doesn't. Seems to accept the excuses, goes right back to his usual cheerfulness and cuddliness.

And then once becomes a few times, then ten, and so on. Something gradually begins to change. You sense an aura of worry from him, a nervous edge to his otherwise pleasant expression and tone of voice.

He's very well aware something is wrong. He's noticed your sudden aversions and seeming avoidance, even though he's normally too dense to pick up on such things, you've made it too obvious.

Did he do something wrong? Are you mad? You're not gonna break up with him, are you? You wouldn't do that to him, right? The very thought makes him feel sick. But... no, you wouldn't do that. You have no reason to. You're probably just being kind of moody or something. He remembers plenty of times how Jamil's sister would get upset at her brother for seemingly no reason, how he would occasionally sigh and make comments about how she's in one of her bad moods, can't be helped... maybe you have something like that too. That makes sense to him. But just in case, he's sure to buy you a bunch of extra expensive stuff over the course of the next week. Maybe it will cheer you up, too.

Yeah, you have no reason to be actually mad. Unless, of course, someone was influencing you somehow. Maybe someone else is saying things to you and making you so upset, or maybe someone might try and convince you to leave him or something. That happens, doesn't it? It happens in movies and stuff at least. That makes him feel sick all over again. But how would you be interacting with someone...?

Oh... well, you do have those weird gaps of time these days... a few minutes here or there where he can't find you. Maybe that's it. This is one of those "read between the lines" situations where what you say isn't really what you mean, even if you don't realize it. If he gives you "space," you'll just get attached to someone else.

While you're never aware of the thought process he has that day, you notice things getting worse. You pack up and run out of the classroom as fast as you can, but somehow he's already there. You say you need to drop something off, but he insists on going with you this time. Even if you keep saying you just want to go lay down and he should stay and keep talking with the other students, he just shakes his head, says something about how he can't just leave you alone.

His tone is sweet as always, but there's something to it that wasn't there before. Almost a sort of nervousness, an intensity, a forcefulness out of paranoia. You're not sure it's intentional, in fact, you're pretty certain he isn't at all self-aware of how pushy he is nor how he seems to be getting increasingly... anxious, really. Like there's a sort of worry in the back of his mind, that he's only aware of subconsciously, but acting upon nonetheless.

Even when you're walking around campus, his grip is tighter, and never lets up for even a second, like you're some dog on a leash that's going to bolt away the moment he relaxes his grip. You can't open your phone for a single second without him immediately peering over your shoulder to look.

He never says anything. He doesn't really act out of the ordinary. But there are those subtle, small signs. His grip is tighter, he sits closer than ever, he seems to keep his eyes on you more than he ever has. In particular, one blatantly noticeable change is that one night at random, he switches spots with you on the bed -- you used to be on the open side and him on the side against the wall, but now, without saying a word, he switches. Now you're against the wall side... you couldn't get up and out of bed and out the door without having to crawl over him, and inevitably wake him up. You try to tell yourself it wasn't intentional.

Apparently, though, whenever he can't find you, he doesn't hesitate to go to get others to help him. More than once, you've been stopped by Scarabia students in the halls -- oh, it's you, we all got a message saying you were lost or something... you try to avoid them when you see them.

Jamil doesn't exactly help, either. In fact, you tried to go to him once, mustered up the courage to try and ask him if he could help you maybe talk to Kalim or give you advice on how to handle it. But to your bewilderment, you're more or less gaslighted.

Really? It doesn't seem like you spend that much time together. You're probably just stressed from something else, and it's making you uneasy. Happens to everyone, don't worry.

You still try and reason with him, but he seems to shut you down, keeps repeating the same thing. Eventually you have to give up on trying to get any help from him. Although his words do make you feel rather neurotic for some time. That's not right, right? You're not making it up, it's not all in your head. You know what you've been experiencing... right? You have to shake the paranoia off. You're not sure why he would say such a thing though... none of it makes sense.

Jamil doesn't make things any easier for you either. Don't expect him not to very readily tell Kalim, whenever he's searching all around for you, that yes, you did come by here, you went in that direction, and you were probably headed for that specific location, so he should definitely go search there and spend time with you and not do literally anything else. Unlike the other Scarabia students, with Jamil it's not a matter of running into them directly -- you've had times where, after being found, Kalim makes some remark about oh, Jamil told me he saw you out the window, or otherwise vaguely made it clear who was the one to rat you out on your location, even though you never ran into him or even saw him. You begin to feel paranoid that you're being watched, any time you move around campus.

And each time, you get found faster and faster. Sometimes he finds you in minutes, before you can even try to find somewhere to rest. It's like he's developing some sixth sense, like he can somehow sense where you are.

...In fact, after a while, it reaches a level that it's unnatural. There's no way he's coincidentally finding you, or even relying on others.

One thought comes to mind. At first, you tell yourself you're being paranoid, that there's no way... but eventually you give into the paranoia, one day when you have just a few spare minutes in your room while he's right outside talking to some students, and you go searching through your bag. You're not hopeful, it's just a slight chance, but... yeah, no, there seems to be nothing there. You start to feel dumb for even considering--

Wait. There is something there. At the very, very bottom, underneath all the books. Some tiny, flat square shaped piece of hard plastic... barely the size of a bottlecap. You don't recognize it. There's nothing written on it. You start to feel a bit queasy.

You're still staring at it in your shaky hands when the door opens again. You swallow. Your voice comes out wavering. Hey, Kalim...?

Mm? He tilts his head, turning his attention towards you. You hold the object out.

What is this thing?

You were hoping for confusion, that he would have no idea, and even if not, you would expect some sheepishness, some sense of panic. But no. His expression doesn't even change.

Oh, that! I got that so I don't have to worry about losing track of you. Neat, isn't it?

Not even a hint of guilt or self-awareness. No, he just starts talking about how cool it is, it's technically military technology because it's so indestructible and will bypass metal detectors and wavelength sensors and stuff, it can track to any location in the world and it's technically not available to civilians, but his father has connections and all so he asked him to get one, and -- hey, is something wrong?

He finally seems to notice the wide-eyed look of distress on your face. You swallow.

O-oh... no, I just... you didn't... say any...

You shake your head to clear your thoughts. You say the first thing that comes to your impulse.

Hey, do you mind if I go take a walk? I just... need to clear my head a bit.

You start to move towards the door. You're stopped when he side-steps to block your path.

Eh? What's wrong?

You insist it's nothing. You say you just feel pent up. For once, you wish he was more dense than he is, because he certainly catches on to the wavering in your quiet, nervous voice.

Hey, you can tell me whatever it is. You look like you're really worried about something.

No, I just...

You take a few steps back. You find yourself stammering. You feel sick. Your heart is beating too fast. You try to make your way to the door slowly, casually, like you're relaxed, like you're not desperately trying to get away. You take a step to the side, start to walk in a circle as you try to distract him by saying something about how you've just been cooped up in the room for too long, and you'll only be gone a minute or so, and--

This time, in one swift movement, his hand lashes out and latches onto your arm. A grip so tight it's painful.

Hey, you're not going to go talk to someone else, right?

The words take you aback. Your eyes widen. You take a few moments to respond, it's such a random, unexpected question. It's so out of nowhere, the very notion seems like such a bizarre conclusion to draw. He doesn't say it angrily or anything, no, more like he's genuinely curious... but there's a clear note of worry to his voice.

Why did he come to that conclusion? You shake your head. No, I... I don't know why you'd think that, I...

He seems to notice the confusion and unease on your face. His own returns to that same smile as always. Ah, good. You had me worried. Haha...

Anyway... you should lay down. That will help you clear your head more than walking will. Besides, how is he supposed to know where you are if you're not carrying your bag? It's not like you get a choice -- it's not presented as a suggestion, he says it whilst simultaneously grabbing you by the waist and carrying you over to bed. He's pretty tired too! You can both rest for a while... you notice him grab the tracking chip off the bed where you set it down and loosely toss it back into your bag, before setting you down. Promptly jumping into bed as well. And his arms lock like a constrictor around your body, pulling your back up against his chest.

You can still feel your heart beating in your chest. The wrongness of the situation is setting in, every part of your brain is sounding alarm bells. That, with absolute certainty, you know is not normal, and more importantly, it's almost frightening. It feels like a weight compressing your chest as you realize just how deep of a hole you've dug yourself into, and you don't know how to safely get out. You can't even go talk to someone else, because he'll be right there. The more you think, the more nauseous you feel.

One other thing bothers you. He usually can fall asleep within a minute or two of laying down, and yet, you can still feel his hand stroking up and down your stomach. There's a heavy, silent tension. You keep trying to think of how to word what you want to say. After a few moments, though, he speaks before you can even summon the right words. His voice is unusually quiet.

Hey, you're not mad at me, right?

You stiffen.

I... no, I-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... come across that way....

Oh, good. You can feel him sigh. You seem kinda upset or something.

You stay quiet. Your mouth feels dry. You swallow. But you're given the opportunity, you can't just let it pass without finally getting out what you've been thinking.

...Listen.

He doesn't say anything, but you feel him shift his head. You're not sure if that's a good sign or not. Not being able to see his face makes it a bit easier, though, to get the words out.

I think... I think maybe we should, ah.... t-take... take a break.

You squeeze your eyes shut as you finish, clenching your jaw. Waiting for some kind of negative reaction. He sits upright.

But when you cautiously open your eyes, he looks... elated?

Oh! Like a vacation? That would be great! You should come back home with him! He's actually been thinking a lot about something like that. It's a good thing you mention it. He's mentioned you to his parents like ten times now, and they say they want to meet you, and you know there's that week you're all out of class coming up, and that would be a really good time to do it.

He keeps going on and on about it. It feels like some cruel joke from a higher power. You just sit there, staring forward with glazed-over eyes. Up until, that is, he says something about how he'll go call them, and be right back, and then leaps out of bed to go right outside for better service.

Hey, wait--Kalim--

You stumble over to the door in a panic, intending to try and stop him before he can. You reach out, grasp the handle, turn the knob.

It's... locked. From the outside.

...When did that get installed? You're certain no such mechanism was there before... when did...?

It's too much. You start to feel nauseous again. You're overwhelmed. You find yourself not even making it to the bed, instead laying flat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. It's not like you can leave... you'll just... well, you'll just have to wait for him to come back. As much as that thought makes you uneasy, as much as everything is setting off your panic, you have no other choice. You drape your forearm over your eyes.

God, what have I gotten myself into...

...

On the other end, though, he's actually really glad you expressed interest in coming home with him. Well, you didn't explicitly say that, but basically the same thing. In fact, he's been thinking about taking you home for quite some time!

His parents have always been very persuasive people, especially considering the money and power involved that they have at their disposal... he sort of associates them with things working out for him. The few times he's ever had any issues, usually one phone call home is all it takes, and his parents will resolve the issue. Maybe they can sort of push you along the right direction too... after all, they do want him to get married as soon as he graduates.

And even if they don't approve, which would be the worst case scenario, he's already been thinking about how to deal with that, too! He's actually pretty proud of himself for really planning ahead for once.

It's just like how he initially got you into his room. Doing something underhanded to ensure things work out for him doesn't strike him as wrong.

What was it his parents used to say, whenever he was first getting ready to go out into the world and all that? That he should enjoy himself and have fun and meet people, but to avoid one specific thing.

Have all the fun you want, but don't you dare get...

The reasoning was... ah, something something scandal and disgrace to the family and all that... he wasn't really listening. But he knows that whenever there's some big scandal in the world of high-power people, they rush to cover it up. So they would help him, right? They'd help ensure things worked out in his favor.

In fact, he's already been trying a little bit. Got one of those pins they use for the classroom corkboards and keeps poking holes in those condoms... and takes them off a lot when you're not looking... but nothing has come of that yet, he's sure, because you would have said something. Ah, well, it'll probably just take some time. Sure, his parents will be SO mad... but he can accept that, so long as they then help him work things out the way he's hoping for. It seems like a good plan... or rather, an impulsive idea he had that he just sort of went with. He's not really the type to think things through, you know.

[dailydracart]

What's this blog for?

My goal is to follow the "Dracula Daily" tag for the year 2024 and reblog story-relevant art. This means I want it to turn out almost like a picture book -- where there's one tag for every Dracula Daily date, and you can look through the fanart for each date.

I will also gradually be reblogging art from the previous years (but keeping it spoiler-free!) You'll find the art for each year under the tags "2024", "2023" and "2022", as well as in their respective date tags.

Click here to go directly to a date:

Pre-story | May 3 | May 4 | May 5 | May 7 | May 8 | May 9 | May 11 | May 12 | May 15 | May 16 | May 18 | May 19 | May 24 | May 25 | May 26 | May 28 | May 31

June 5 | June 17 | June 18 | June 24 | June 25 | June 29 | June 30

July 1 | July 8 | July 18 | July 19 | July 20 | July 22 | July 24 | July 26 | July 27 | July 28 | July 29 | July 30

Aug 1 | Aug 2 | Aug 3 | Aug 4 | Aug 6 | Aug 8 | Aug 9 | Aug 10 | Aug 11 | Aug 12 | Aug 13 | Aug 14 | Aug 15 | Aug 17 | Aug 18 | Aug 19 | Aug 20 | Aug 21 | Aug 23 | Aug 24 | Aug 25 | Aug 30 | Aug 31

Sep 1 | Sep 2 | Sep 3 | Sep 4 | Sep 5 | Sep 6 | Sep 7 | Sep 8 | Sep 9 | Sep 10 | Sep 11 | Sep 12 | Sep 13 | Sep 17 | Sep 18 | Sep19 | Sep 20 | Sep 21* | Sep 22 | Sep 23 | Sep 24 | Sep 25 | Sep 26 | Sep 27 | Sep 28 | Sep 29 | Sep 30

Oct 1 | Oct 2 | Oct 3 | Oct 4 | Oct 5 | Oct 6 | Oct 11 | Oct 15 | Oct 16 | The remaining date tags are IN THE REBLOGS of this post! I seem to have hit a link limit...

More Notes & FAQ unter the cut:

*Note: If you're listening to Re: Dracula, or reading the original book instead of the Dracula Daily e-mails, the events of September 21 are covered in the same entry as September 20! This is because Bram Stoker apparently overlooked that everything after Lucy's immediate death happens on the following day. The e-mails split events up as it should be, with two seperate days.

Reblog guidelines:

I try to keep it as story-relevant as possible.* This means that I won't reblog AU art, most character portraits with no further context, and similar things. Some of it may be a bit of a gray zone. For example: character portraits that feature a specific character who only appears in one or two entries, I will probably reblog for that entry. Character portraits of, let's say, Jonathan I won't reblog bc that's too unspecific, UNLESS there is something linking it - again - to a specific part of the book that's easy to pinpoint, like the very first days of his journey. *Note: "story-relevant" doesn't mean "100% text-accurate". Joke posts and art related more to the general impression of an entry that are not direct illustrations of a scene absolutely count!

Spoiler policy:

This blog will be spoiler-free for the 2024 season! Any art from the previous years that concerns a later date will only be posted when that date comes around. Please note: Sometimes a piece of art will allude to or foreshadow things that happen further on in the story, while definitely belonging to a date that has already happened! For these cases I will use the tag "spoilery content" - please blacklist that tag if you want to avoid possible spoilers completely! [Here's an example of what sort of things I'd consider to belong under that tag. Spoilery for Lucy's storyline so view under your own risk.]

What about things like collages, edits and moodboards?

I'm not opposed to reblogging them, too! They only need to be made specific enough so they can be attached to a specific entry. But since they're not my first priority when scanning the tags for pictures (my brain skips anything that's not a drawing almost on autopilot), I've likely missed them all. You're welcome to send something in that you think fits here!

[kindlespice]

🍉 actual hiatus 🍉

hi hi! so... it's been a while! *checks notes* i have not posted since august... of last year x.x i've been lurking around a bit occasionally dropping likes here and there, but for the most part been entirely absent. i feel like it's wayyyy past time for me to check-in, let everybody know i'm okay and all that jazz. but i am declaring this an actual hiatus now

tl;dr

i lost the simblr itch, i thought "surely it will come back" but it never came back and now i'm hyperfixating on other things.

i'm gonna put specifics under a read more if anyone's that interested in what i've been doing, what i will be doing, where i'll be hanging out now, etc. but it's really nothing big or major--just interests changing.

⭐ my content + patreon

(since it's kinda important and i want everyone to be able to see this) i'm not deleting this account and i'm still keeping my content up both on patreon and sfs! you will still be able to download things for free!!! i will be deleting my patreon tier! even though it was basically a donation tier, i feel bad keeping it up knowing i'm consciously not making more sims content (or being really active in the community) for the foreseeable future i'll be reaching out to existing patrons and making a similar post over there as well about the tier change!

i also wanna say thank you to everyone who's ever followed, donated, liked, commented, messaged, lurked or just been sweet and kind to me ❤️! simblr will always have a special place in my heart, so i don't think i'll ever leave leave, but i owe it to you guys to let you know that i'm making the conscious decision to be inactive for some time.

as a closing statement, fk isr*el and i am absolutely 100% without a doubt full stop

AGAINST GENOCIDE AND FOR A 🍉 FREE PALESTINE 🍉

you should be too if you're any kind of decent human being :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

⭐what will happen to my account?

nothing really. or at least nothing different from how it's been for the last year and some change XD like i said, i'm still keeping my blogs up, downloads won't move, etc. i am just committing to not actively posting content or really being on simblr that much. maybe i'll drop some likes or comments when the mood hits (like i have been), but not really much else. i guess if there's any questions about this i'll answer them since my active attention will be back on simblr for at least a few days while i clean some things up. i would like to do one last thing as a kind of parting gift at some point... i never did end up cleaning up my downloads page or organize the thumbs/sorting for my cc like i said i would so maybe i'll do that before it gets away from me again but i'm not making any promises

⭐why am i on hiatus?

nothing bad happened or anything, i just.... lost interest. I already wasn't really playing the game that much even when i was super active; i mostly just took pictures and did edits. but i just wasn't having as much fun as i used to, opening the game started feeling like a chore, i wasn't all that inspired to make content, etc. i've burnt out on simblr on many an occasion so i just took a break like i always do but it kept going...and going.......and going.........until i realized it had been FOREVER and i hadn't really felt the itch to create here during that time, it wasn't coming back, and i was having much more fun doing other stuff. the times i did consider coming back it was more bc i felt bad about not creating rather than any actual desire to create. so i had to think long and hard about whether or not i even really wanted to come back. and i flip-flopped for probably 6 months--trying to drum up creative projects and never committing--before coming to the conclusion that i think i just need to call it a hiatus XD

⭐what have i been up to?

annoying my family with boycott lists and making them buy alternatively :D bouncing back and forth between many different hyperfixations... i fell back down the skyrim rabbithole several times, genshin, stardew, acnh, made a million notion pages i'll never use--the usual suspects. BUT BG3! at one point i swore i was gonna come back end of july/early aug but then BG3 dropped early and it was over... i definitely did A LOT of heavy lurking here when the girlies were all posting GORGEOUS tavs omg... i spent a while getting ts3 up and running, even made a sideblog thinking "maybe i'll come back with ts3 content that would be cool!"... just to not end up playing and not using the sideblog and not coming back -.- 4LIENS were supposed to have a comeback like... 4 separate times and it just did not happen... i've been making a concerted effort to get back into drawing and art. i've been in a kind of... depression? slump? with it for years now; always feeling like it wasn't good enough, that i should be better since i'm so "gifted and talented", i should be monetizing it and not "wasting" all that skill, blah blah imposter syndrome blah blah getting frustrated when i'm not 100% perfect all the time blah blah feeling like a disappointment to my family blah blah... but i am HELLA sick and tired of having all this anxiety and fear surrounding something i used to love so much so i'm pushing through! i've been trying out lots of different mediums and actually using my sketchbooks and just generally trying to introduce more fun into the process and stop being so hard on myself all the time. i picked up crocheting for a bit. at this point i haven't touched it in so long i probably forgot how to do it but... maybe one day i'll make a blanket or smth I started journalling (relatively) regularly for a bit. i was feeling really down at several points throughout the year and i thought having daily entries would help combat the feeling like every day was just absolute shit. on the contrary, the majority of days are good--at worst mundane--the bad ones just tend to stick out more. trying to get back into reading again... i miss doing it for leisure and taking notes bc i want to and not because i have a 300 annotation school assignment :P and a whole bunch of other stuff probably but it's hard to remember every single thing that's been on my mind for 16 months lol

⭐what will i be doing / where can you find me now?

i'm hoping to start a webtoon/build up art socials in the new year as a part of my "reconnecting to art" process. i made some art socials @kbearie-art here and @/kbearie_art on insta, youtube, tiktok, and twitter; they're empty for now though bc i got scared the minute i made them and never posted anything -.- but i'll be real with you... twitter is a cesspool, and im not fond of tiktok so i think tumblr, insta and youtube will probably be where i'll dedicate my time i've been thinking about getting back into posting videos on youtube again just in general. in fact this thought was the final push for me to make this post bc i was like... if i post a video out of the blue with no word to simblr that would be fked up XD i play games all the time and i had such a fun time recording, learning to edit and stuff that i think i'd like to pursue that further. i wouldn't be doing sims related stuff though bc...well... i don't play anymore XD but other games ya know. my other youtube is kspice (the same place with my tutorials, speed edits, the acnh vid, etc.) if you'd be interested in that

and i guess that's pretty much it!

again, for at least the next couple of days i'll probably actively have my eyes on this post/simblr in general (and i am gonna clear out my inbox hopefully) so if you have questions i'd ask em quickly before i go back into hiding XD

thanks again, i love you guys, free palestine, and have a good new year! 🍉⭐💖

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

PSA on sharing others' twst merch pictures + jp fandom etiquette

Okay guys, it’s time to sit down and have a serious talk for a second 😣

With the recent deliveries of 2023 Valentine Gifts to Japanese fans, I noticed that many had censored the text (whereas in previous years, it was much easier to locate uncensored letters). At the same time, I've also noticed many international fans reposting pictures (which do show the uncensored text) taken from Japanese fans' accounts to sort of "live react" or scream about the contents (rather than sharing and/or liking the original post they clearly took the images from).

Admittedly, this is an issue that moreso plagues TWST Twitter than TWST Tumblr, but I know that there are fans that frequent both platforms and are unaware of this issue. Here in this post, I'm going to talk about why spreading someone else's merch pictures looks bad for us (in the international TWST fandom), why you shouldn't do it, and what you can do instead.

First thing's first, let's think of it this way: this situation is similar to art/writing/translation theft. One can make the argument that technically since the work being shared around is "not original/not made by the OP" then it is okay to just take it and spread it. That's not the problem here; the problem is that someone else spent their hard-earned money to obtain this item, and some OPs even go out of their way to make elaborate set-ups to take pictures of their merchandise. The act of taking something that isn't yours but still posting it without crediting the OP (and thus taking the credit for yourself, even if not explicitly claimed to be "yours") still pervades. If you want to think of it another way, it’s like not citing your sources properly in an essay. What makes this behavior worse is that it's literally SO easy to just retweet and/or like the original post. But no, instead people are actively making the decision to take their photos without so much as linking back to the OP. What purpose does that serve, especially when it's considerably more effort than liking/retweeting? Not to mention the harm it does for the already shaky relations between Japanese and international fans 💦 I already mentioned before that the number of uncensored Valentine Gifts has gone WAY down in 2023, and I'd wager that this is, in part, due to international fans often engaging in this aforementioned "picture theft". It is seen as something done in poor taste, but it is not often overtly spoken about due to the language barrier and/or Japanese fans not being as outspoken as, say, western fans are. Japanese fans are sharing pictures of their merch to express their excitement and share the love of their favorite character(s) with others. It feels like a violation of those positive feelings to have someone else come along, snatch up the picture they lovingly took, and pass if off as essentially their own without permission or even acknowledging that the OP exists. We also need to consider the possibility that some Japanese fans may be uncomfortable with their pictures being spread around because it unintentionally spoils others. Their excitement should not impact others' experiences, so when this is done outside of their own control it can make them feel helpless. They are NOT posting these very personal pictures for clout, but to spread their joy to their friends and followers. That's why so many Japanese fans now feel discouraged from sharing something they love so much with fellow fans--because their boundaries and intentions are not being respected. We want to see the Valentine Gifts and other awesome pictures of TWST merch in the future? Then we need to give our fellow fans the courtesy they deserve. We should NOT act entitled to or feel owed for what is paid content that other people purchased. This should be a GIVEN act of basic human decency. Furthermore, PLEASE remember that in continuing to take pictures that don't belong to you, you're only going to make it harder for yourself to all to see Valentine Gifts moving forward (save for buying all 28 letters yourself, or hunting down the 28 individually on a platform now scarce of the uncensored versions). The OPs’ feelings are obviously much more important than international fans not getting their fix of merch pics, but if that’s how the situation needs to be reframed to make people reconsider their actions, then reframe it we shall. Merch picture theft, combined with international fans misusing the JP fandom's tagging system to increase visibility of their posts (even when the content is not relevant), acting entitled to translations of official and fan content, and instances of international fans acting aggressively and harassing Japanese fans has created an environment of distrust. It's only going to get worse if we can't draw a line in the sand here and now.

The intention in calling attention to this issue is NOT to gatekeep Japanese merch from an international audience. You have MANY options available to you where you can engage with OP’s post, still see and enjoy the content, AND be polite about it.

What's NOT okay to do?:

Taking OP's picture and reposting it with no credit.

Taking OP's picture and editing it (filters, drawing over it, etc.) before reposting.

Asking OP to uncensor the image(s).

Contentious to do:

Quote retweet! (Japanese fans are generally iffy with internet strangers in their mentions. This may vary from OP to OP.)

Commenting on OP's post! (Like QRTing, the Japanese fandom generally does not like comments unless they come from mutuals/people they are familiar with. Again, this may vary from OP to OP. It’s best to preface comments with an “excuse me”, “I’m not a mutual but”, or something along those lines to be polite.)

Linking or crediting the OP in a thread, especially if it is the second tweet or beyond (because not everyone will read the entire thread, and therefore they may miss the credit). If you’re going to credit OP in a thread, do it in the initial tweet or as soon as possible in your own post.

Asking for and getting OP's permission to share their picture in a public space. (I would advise against this one due to potential language barriers. This method may also put OP on the spot to give a certain reply.)

So... what IS okay to do?:

Liking OP's post!

Retweeting (or whatever the equivalent of sharing is) the OP's post!

Sharing OP's post or images in private spaces (ie DMs, among friends/group chats, etc.)

Sharing only the TEXT of merch items in public.

Sharing your OWN pictures.

Sharing your reactions to merch in your own post (without any pictures).

Sharing/referencing a database created by the OP (same person who took all the pictures in the database) for the sole intention of being shared.

Asking to see merch images taken by your friends.

I did my best to research this situation and to give appropriate advice on it, but please let me know if I flubbed up somewhere 💦

Anyway!! I hope that you found this post enlightening and that you take its message to heart 🙇‍♀️ Please, let's all try to be more mindful of how we share things that we're excited about in this fandom!! We can still have fun and scream about our favorite characters without souring the experience for other fans!!

[whumpcloud]

Things End | People Change - Not Dangerous

content: vampire whumpee, whumper turned whumpee, dehumanisation, muzzled whumpee, disassociation, burning, whumpee believing they deserve it, begging

"So you're still going to hurt him?" Cai signs.

Clary nods. "It's just not… worth it, right now. He already thinks I'm going to hurt him every time I move. I want to make him scared of me, it's- it's the least I deserve."

"I understand." Cai bites his lip. "I'm worried about you being here alone with him."

"You can stay over if you want," Clary shrugs.

"Are you okay?" Cai asks.

"I don't know."

It's only been a few hours, but Clary's already having second thoughts. She thinks she's hiding it well, but her twin knows her better than that, and he briefly squeezes her hand.

"He deserves it," Cai signs.

Does he? He's been hurt so badly already. But Clary can fucking feel him, hands around her throat to hold her still, and she wants to hear his dusty bones crack underneath her fingers.

"You don't have to go near him." Cai grabs the blood bag that Clary asked him to bring. "I'll feed him."

"Thanks," she mumbles. "Don't… don't be a dick to him."

"I'll try, but no promises."

—

Vincent wraps the blankets around himself. Blankets. He hasn't touched a single soft thing since being captured. And Clary, Clary was kind enough to give him blankets.

He doesn't care what she does to him. He'd deserve it, every bit of it, even if she took a knife and cut his mangled body to shreds. He'd take it gratefully, another reminder of what he is. He's had so many, but if they stop, he might hurt someone again. He'll always hurt people. That's what monsters like him do.

He's still not quite… present. He never is, not with the muzzle strapped to his face. Part of him seems to leave his body, floating in his sea of consciousness. Perhaps that's why the hunters liked to keep the muzzle on him. It made him so much less able to resist. At least at first. Now even the idea of resisting makes him shiver.

Vincent jumps as the deadbolt grinds against the door. He scrambles off the bed and onto his knees. All he needs to do is be at her mercy.

It isn't Clary. It's someone else, someone who looks so similar Vincent has to assume it's her twin. The twin eyes him warily. I'm not dangerous, Vincent pleads silently, I'll never hurt her again.

Vincent flinches away as the twin - Cai, his name was Cai - crouches down in front of him. Cai has something in his hand.

Vincent didn't smell it. It must be sealed. But it's a bag of blood, and Vincent is suddenly ravenous.

Cai smirks, and lifts the bag up, seeming to delight in how Vincent's eyes have locked on, following it desperately. Vincent whines. He wants it, needs it, has to force himself to stay still. This is just torment, isn't it? He can't imagine this is worse than whatever Cai would do to him if he tried to take it.

He whines again. Please. He doesn't care if he has to pay for it later.

Cai snaps his fingers at Vincent to force the vampire to pay attention to him, then waves his hands. Vincent stares blankly. Clary once said her twin was mostly mute, didn't she? But Vincent doesn't know hand languages.

Cai suddenly grabs Vincent by his filthy shirt and pulls him close.

"If I take this muzzle off and you bite," Cai says, in a weak, breathy voice, "I'll rip out your fangs myself, bloodsucker. Got that?"

Vincent whimpers and nods.

He sort of wishes it was Clary taking off the muzzle. Selfish creature. But he missed her. As much as he hurt her, in the brightest days where he was nothing but an object of suffering, he tried to imagine her voice. She was all he had.

His skin peels. Layers come off with the muzzle. He can't remember how long it's been on. Everything blurs together, but the deep grooves in his face suggest it must have been a while. He didn't feel the pain. Silver burns were the first thing he got used to.

Cai doesn't react. In fact, he does nothing more than fling it to the side and shove the bag at Vincent's mouth before he has a chance to speak.

The hunger is more powerful than Vincent's desire to beg while he's still allowed his voice, and he nearly melts. Nothing has ever tasted so good, even though it's animal blood that would've made him sick before he understood that he was just a worthless thing.

Cai laughs at him, how desperately and quickly he swallows the blood and drops the bag in front of him. He's still starving, but it's the first time he's fed in… in…

Cai doesn't take his eyes off Vincent to grab the muzzle.

"W-Wait," Vincent whispers. "Please don't put the muzzle back on yet. Please."

"Why not?" Cai asks.

"I need to speak with Clary," Vincent begs. "Please. Sh- She can stand at the door. I just need to see her."

"I don't care." Cai wheezes for a moment, then swallows. "You're fucking delusional if you think I'll let you near her."

"Please, it'll-"

Cai grabs Vincent by the throat. "Clary might be afraid of you, but I'm not. Keep begging and I'll give you a reason to."

Vincent nods quickly. However weak Cai's voice is, Vincent can't afford to not believe the threat. He won't ruin this already. They could take any of this away from him. They could take the bed, lock him in a room with windows, restrain him in the silver cuffs that Vincent knows Cai has hidden in his pocket because Vincent's skin prickles when Cai turns.

"Thank you for feeding me," Vincent murmurs.

Cai pauses. "I've stayed up with her all night, too many times to count. You know why?"

"Because of me," Vincent whispers.

"Because of you." Cai wraps the muzzle around Vincent's face. He doesn't tie it, just presses the silver into the vampire's skin. "She thought you would rip her throat out. I can't imagine you know what that's like."

No, he doesn't. Vincent has begged for death, over and over again, but nobody ever granted him that mercy. Clary has lived in fear of him for however long it's been and the fact that he can't remember is both an ache and a reminder of how truly inhuman he's always been. If he cared about her, like he convinced himself he did back then, he would know.

"Whatever happened to make you this pathetic," Cai spits, "you deserved every bit of it."

"I know," Vincent whispers.

Cai ties the muzzle as tightly as he can, and leaves Vincent on the floor. The awareness Vincent had dives back down, and all he wants is to wrap back up in the blankets and heal.

[sharpth1ng]

hey again!! thank you for answering my ask, and for the clarification! i figured you probably had it all sorted out because you're a grown adult and seem to know your stuff but i still said something anyways just in case haha

i should have been more clear with my original ask but i myself still find all this stuff quite confusing so thats my bad sorry 😞 basically it has nothing to do with the labour of printing or if the company publishes it or not, it’s because fan fiction is already grey area, it’s ok when no one is making money off it. as soon as at any point someone makes any money off it, like these printing companies, or commissioning someone on etsy, or even just going somewhere local to get the pages printed, it now becomes illegal - fanworks infringe on the creator's intellectual property and you need a licencing agreement if it's not public domain etc blah blah blah you get it lol

as soon as the word "pay" comes in, it's illegal - you can't pay for anything, even if you are the one that wrote the fanfic (which fucking sucks). but your merch and stuff is completely fine because the references are based on your original writing, like theyre not gonna be like "how dare you sell this tshirt with a bloody B on it thats illegal!!" bcs that whole thing is entirely unique to your work and has no ties to the original property 👍

but thats just my understanding of it, and the specifications of it can get really confusing!! same thing happens with fanart too, technically you aren't allowed to sell fanart - that's why people often only sell it irl at cons to avoid copyright strikes. but then again there is people selling fanart on redbubble and in fanzines etc so like, i honestly don't know how that side of it works as well?? i think its under a different law since it’s a transformative work maybe...??

its all very confusing i wish clarification was more clear 😭 but you sound like you've looked into it and know what you're doing so thats fantastic, and i'm glad to hear. thank you again for answering so quickly i dont mean to be a bother. ur a talented writer and i loved debaser, keep it up 😊

Yeah no problem! I do appreciate the effort to give a heads up. And like to be fair I’ve done my research but I’m not a copyright lawyer or a legal scholar and the law on this stuff is very confusing to me.

In terms of the fanart stuff my understanding is that it is illegal to sell but for the most part fan Artist are too small for copyright holders to go after, it’s just not really a thing that’s done for the most part. There’s even a number of situations where selling fanart led to those artists being directly employed by the copyright holders. I think it’s very rare for fan artists to get sued for copy right and the only examples I know of are from Disney.

For the most part fanart sold is illegal, but it’s similar to torrenting content where its not really enforced so people do it anyways, and often at a pretty large scale. The stuff on red bubble and in fanzines is also illegal as far as I know, it doesn’t count as transformative.

Honestly I think it’s very unlikely that anyone printing my work would get targeted like that, mostly because this fandom is small and I’m even smaller. I only have a little over 1000 followers here and while that’s more followers than I’ve ever had before in my life it’s pretty much microscopic on the internet. Beyond that there’s less than a handful of printed copies as far as I’m aware.

Honeslty I have a lot of issues with copyright law- obviously it needs to apply to things like generative AI which is essentially a very environmentally damaging collage machine, but in terms of fanart and fanfiction I really don’t see how it could be construed as taking away profit from copyright holders.

People for the most part only read my work because they were already into scream, and a number of people have even told me my work got them to watch scream so if anything I’ve created profit for them. Fandom is the reason these original works have the legacy they do, and fanworks are a massive part of that because you can only consume the original content so many times before you get bored.

Beyond that we wouldn’t have some of our most highly acclaimed cultural works if copyright law had existed hundreds of years ago. Like, Shakespeare would have been fucked.

Alright lmao rant over. Tl;dr I’m doing my best to do this all in a legal way, but it’s good for folks to be aware that there may be an issue with the legality of printing my work even if they aren’t paying me. I think it’s unlikely any of you will face repercussions because this fandom is miniscule but if you’re worried maybe don’t post on Tumblr- but feel free to dm me or post in my discord 👍

[starcraftt]

♞ ABOUT ME

GLAICER ;; a dorky writer who's trying her best

heya there, nd welcome to my little corner on tumblr! my name is glaicer or cienna, but you're so very welcome to come up with most any nicknames for me ( dfagd, i love nicknames,,, :star_struck: ).

𖤓 my original username would've been .periwinkleyes, but apparently someone already took that?? so,, uh,, frick you man ( not really im sorry. ) but my current username is referencing the pc game of Starcraft ( II ), which i haven't played in a while but you know.

𖤓 I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFFECTIONATE ND HAVE A WEIRD WAY OF INTERACTING, SO I WILL SOMETIMES JST RESPOND WITH A '🫶' or '<3' or smth im so sorry if this makes you feel weird, jst let me know !!

𖤓 i use she/her/hers pronouns ( won't correct you if you use they/them but please no masculine pronouns ) and identify as a female. <3

𖤓 my messages are always open, and never feel stressed to message me, i love talking to people on here and meeting others with similar interests ( read: pls pls pls pls pls message me pls ). jst dm if you have anything to say, such as asks, questions, headcanons, fanfictions, requesting me to do/write something, literally anything!! send me a keyboard slam!! i promise i'm nice :3

⤷ 𖤓 if you'd like to stay anonymous, you're always welcome to use some sort of symbol or emoji as a pseudonym ! just let me know on the message what you're gonna use, haha!

𖤓 i am a minor ( under eighteen ), so please don't send or talk about any nsfw things around me.

𖤓 i sometimes get very opinionated on some subjects?? it's,, its kind of insane.

𖤓 any comments/reposts/likes/kudos mean the world to me,, tysm to whoever does. ^^ ( forewarning i can't respond to compliments im an anxious nervous wreck. )

𖤓 dedicated band kid, try me. i play the clarinet, and some piano!

𖤓 weird humor, you'll hopefully get it. it's kinda dark i dunno.

𖤓 i do/can rp btw !! i have more detailed responses and ocs, but for sure i can rp most any of my fandoms, and willing to also do original ideas as well! <3 just message me ^^

WATCH OUT ;;

before you follow, i tend to use profanities and curse quite a bit ( which is weird because i used to never curse lmao ), and tend to use dark humor to cope often. i'm extremely awkward with any type of compliments ( or maybe just conversating in general ahaha ) and usually just respond with a keyboard slam and a 'thank you smmmm <33 😭🫶🫶' ( :D ). i promise i try my absolute best to be friendly and keep this blog at least pg-13 so if i post anything problematic or triggering, i'm so, so sorry and please speak up about it. sometimes my content can be dark and angsty so um,, prepare yourself !

STATUS ;;

currently in an eighties movie kick, in my c. thomas howell phase ( jst wait, i'll go through a phase for each outsiders cast member ), in love with robert morris from red dawn 1984 ( pls ask about him pls pls pls im on my knees begging ), in love with patrick swayze's laugh ??, debating finishing those fics, in love with sam and dean winchester whilst being scared that there's smth behind me in the dark :3

TAGS ;;

ask and you shall be answered - simply answering a message! starcraftt - will be on my answers to messages or fanfics/original works! blog check up - jst what it reads !!

GATEWAY TOWARDS ;;

other profiles : @pixelsdepleting ⨳ @starrsforyou ⨳ @eastsidetulsa ( under construction )

socials : quotev ⨳ c.ai ⨳ ao3

posts : user starcraftt ⨳ fandoms ⨳ likes/dislikes ⨳ ask away ! ⨳ golden hour ?! ⨳ soda's death

masterlist ( under construction ) ; a labyrinth of unwritten works, do you dare enter?

[merrivia]

your essays of literary analyses for captive Prince  fascinate me, amuse me, entertain me (in the "wow, this is so cool" sort of way and "maybe I'll read this whole thing again"), educate me, and get me thinking harder about my own reactions to the books.  I believe that I do my own level of analysis as I read, seeing many but far from all of the same things, and stopping as I go to say, "hey, waaaait a minute" or go back and reread relevant passages earlier in the book or in earlier books. but I am very far away from being able to put things together the way you do. 

 I do a few simple things, like collecting multiple examples of something (I did that for showing that Damon is the kind of guy who gets "annoyed" about things that might or might not send the rest of us into a rage), and another too-long one why I thought "I speak your language better than you speak mine sweetheart" comment happened.

… I do have a question. Here it is. How much of the content of your essays are you consciously aware of while you're initially reading,? How much prep do you do for your essays – – outline? A few of your own cliff notes😁? Or or do what I mostly do, to the detriment of my material but not yours, and just start writing?

Oh wow, thank you so much that’s such a huge compliment! I’m always so happy to hear people enjoy the metas/essays I write, genuinely. I would love to read the posts you mentioned you wrote! I’ll hop over to your page and find them after I post this.

So I don’t really do any prep at all! No notes, no outlines, no plans. I’ve re-read the books 4 times solidly in a row, and want to do a 5th soon (I’ve given myself a little bit of a break, so I don’t lessen my love of it through overfamiliarity!). I think at this point my mind just picks up on patterns and starts to weave things together, subconsciously? Something will just occur to me and I’ll get the urge to write about it. I’m a big believer in that coming from the texts; I still find lines or paragraphs in the books so interesting and intriguing and the way Pacat writes…it’s so rich that there are many aspects to explore.

I also really believe in the power of reading around and seeing where that takes you too. Originally my essays were completely just what came from my mind, but I’ve started leaning towards letting other ideas shine their light on the books too. With my latest post, I knew that Damen’s trauma was different to Laurent’s but I also knew that I was no expert in trauma responses and wanted to read more about it, happened to stumble on Tick’s work almost immediately which just felt like such a powerful connection as it draws partly on classical traditions and I started to put the essay together.

I always come from a point of ‘things are more complicated than they seem’ about pretty much anything and I’m always very wary about people that try to oversimplify discourse. A simplistic reading of Damen’s character would say ‘he’s not got emotional complexity, he’s just a horny jock dressed up in Akielon clothing’ and honestly that’s just so reductive and not true but also…boring, and is essentially a discredit to Pacat’s intelligence and skills. Once you start thinking there’s more under the surface here, you can start to plumb the depths.

I do follow a rough introduction/main/conclusion structure as per any essay, which helps? I’m pretty much trained mentally in the English way of writing literary essays so I do it automatically. I hadn’t realised this till you asked but because I really enjoyed the books and don’t really see myself negatively critiquing them, my conclusions reflect the happy ending of the books where I tend to see things positively? So the end point is kind of already in place. I think the points I make follow similar essay style patterns; start more broadly, then narrow down like a funnel or start a little more chronologically and then move forward (like establishing who Damen is first, and his warrior status is going back to how he was raised, then we can use that to inform his initial reactions in CP before following that thread all the way to The Summer Palace). I’m fond of what appears to be a tangent but is actually a loop back, that illuminates (like I talked about violence as an intimate act, having read that in Tick’s work, and how Laurent particularly provokes that from Damen but that led me to realise if you do choose violence over love as a form of intimacy, you are going to have to pay a price for that).

Ideas do reveal themselves through the writing. Once I’d read that warriors could heal and reintegrate through society recognising them (Edward Tick actually performs these “Warrior Welcome Home” ceremonies for combat veterans, as part of a healing process) I thought well Damen had that in Akielos, and then it was like a little lightbulb moment of ‘Ah but by being in Vere, and around Laurent, he’s gone from hero to villain’. And Laurent has suffered the anguish of being vilified and having his character destroyed, and actually doesn’t realise he’s doing the same to Damen (I didn’t put that in, as there’s only so much you can write! Sometimes holding back on your ideas is good too, to keep the essay tighter. Incidentally one day I am going to do more metas on Laurent and his feelings towards Damen but I’m so respectful of his labyrinthine mind that I want to be very certain of my ideas before I do!).

I hope that kind of answered your question! If you ever want to chat about CP stuff you can absolutely dm me, I love talking about the books ✨

[symptoms-syndrome]

I understand why you're adverse to a tag for discussing later stages of CDD recovery, and I think your concerns about people becoming kinda authoritative about recovery are valid (although I would say people are already like this in most CDD spaces). But it's also understandable that some people want a space to talk about their phase two and phase three work or remission. I find these voices constantly being pushed out of CDD spaces usually because people earlier on in their recovery find them triggering or needing it to be spoilered. Sometimes I find them triggering, too, but that doesn't mean they're not valuable. It can be really hard to find these voices and experiences when I want to. CDD spaces online tend to focus on system discovery and phase one work. I think you're being a tad callous towards the people who want to create a separate place to talk about the later stages of recovery. Is it really that bad of an idea?

I feel people may be misinterpreting me.

But it's also understandable that some people want a space to talk about their phase two and phase three work or remission.

What would we define as phases two and three? How would we reach these definitions? Do they require outside therapeutic intervention or confirmation? Do they require formal diagnosis?

I understand wanting a space to talk about your specific experience as it may or may not relate to the common narrative. But that's what Tumblr is all about. That's what your blog is for. I post about my experience here and I don't think it's often similar to the common DID tag posts, but as my DID is not necessarily in conversation with the flow of the DID tags, I'm not impacted by them at all. I suppose I just don't understand what sort of space is not being allowed, as anyone can post literally anything onto ones own blog. It's not like this is reddit, where posts need to be moderated and/or are censored or removed.

I find these voices constantly being pushed out of CDD spaces usually because people earlier on in their recovery find them triggering or needing it to be spoilered.

Not to invalidate your experience or anything, but I've personally never encountered this, and even if I did it's an incredibly easy problem to solve. This is on the other party to either block you, or you can block them. Either way, your posts will not show up in their feed if they search the tags. Why are we afraid of blocking people. I block people all the time and have had an absolutely delightful experience on Tumblr for the most part.

It can be really hard to find these voices and experiences when I want to. CDD spaces online tend to focus on system discovery and phase one work.

This is just kind of the nature of the internet I'm afraid. The folks with the most to talk about will be the folks who appear the most. I'm in a stage of recovery where I am no longer constantly in crisis/thinking about my DID as often so I post less. Similarly, I was in a support group for a surgery, and now that I've recovered from that surgery for the most part, my days are more or less the same vis a vis surgery results and so I don't join the support group as often because I don't have as much to talk about. There will always and forever be more people discovering or questioning or what have you online than there will be people talking about how they're fine now.

I think you're being a tad callous towards the people who want to create a separate place to talk about the later stages of recovery.

Maybe! Comes w the 'tism generally. I apologize if I'm coming off as unkind, as it's not my intention. I wish the best for folks who are seeking that and do want them to find it, I just don't think a tag is the best way to do so. I also want that for myself, but I've sort of cultivated it by following blogs that post things I like and relate to and blocking blogs that annoy me or post content that makes me upset.

Is it really that bad of an idea?

It's not a bad idea. I just don't think it'll be effective. That's my opinion, as someone who's seen this sort of thing happen before. Like. IDK putting a cocoa butter bath bomb into your pool so it's moisturizing when you swim isn't a bad idea, I just don't think it'll work. People are welcome to put bath bombs in their pools and I'm not going to stop them, and hey maybe it'll work and I'll be wrong and I'm fine with that! I just don't think it'll work.

If people tried to do something that I think was actually a bad idea I'd make more of a stink about it. This is just me saying that I don't think it'll work the way they envision it will.

[corvadin]

RPG Legends: Baldur's Gate & Beyond

Did I already post about this?

I don't think so, but if I did, I'm posting about it again because this is good info.

So as we all know, Baldur's Gate 3's been out for a little less than a week. "Wow," you say. "This Baldur's Gate 3 game looks pretty amazing." You follow up with the logical thought of "I wonder about the games that came before it? Surely a masterpiece like this must have been preceded by other similar masterpieces?"

Or perhaps you're a more frugal sort. You think to yourself, "You know, I like this Baldur's Gate 3 thing because I have excellent taste, but I'm just not up to spending $60 on a single game at the moment. But I sure would love to get into other CRPGs. $60's a lot, but $12? That's more my speed, especially if for that $12 I get not one, but SIX fantastic CRPGs."

My friends, I have come baring the solution to your woes.

For nine more days, Humble Bundle is offering the RPG Legends: Baldur's Gate & Beyond game bundle. This bundle supports Active Minds, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the promotion of mental health that, after some research of my own, hasn't done anything horrible or unethical that would make them unworthy of support (looking at you, Autism Speaks).

For $12 USD you get access to six fantastic games. I guarantee that at least one of them will scratch your CRPG itch, if such an itch exists, and consider them all to be, at the very least, very much worth investigating. More under the cut, because I'm not trying to blow up your dashboard, but I have a lot to say.

Do you want an amazing, story-rich campaign with fantastic writing, lovable companions, an abundance of content and that old-school D&D feel? Baldur's Gate 1 and 2 have you covered, down to even being based on AD&D mechanics. Great combat, a wide variety of amusing, cool, and heartwarming companions for either good or evil playthroughs, an incredible story, memorable NPCs and some of the best damn villains in gaming, I can't say enough good things about this series.

If that sounds great but you're really in it for the combat, Icewind Dale runs on the same engine but instead of using story-related companions, you're encouraged to make your own customized party to conquer the game with. If you love that old-school D&D aesthetic but you're more interested in dungeon-crawling and killing monsters, Icewind Dale was made just for you.

Maybe you swing in the other direction? The combat's okay, but you're not looking for a rich tactical experience, you want a story. You're more interested in philosophy and the nature of humanity than strategy. Guess what? Planescape: Torment is your game. Planescape: Torment is the best game I have ever read, or perhaps the best novel I have ever played. I haven't played Disco Elysium but if you're on Tumblr there's a good chance you have and I'm given to understand that they're fairly similar. The standard high-fantasy RPG tropes are absent here; you are a very abnormal protagonist on a very abnormal journey accompanied by very abnormal companions. It's a fantastic game.

(I will not lie to you, however, the combat... leaves much to be desired. Like the previous games, it uses the AD&D-based Infinity Engine, but it's simply not as good as the BG or IWD; it's clunky and ill-balanced. Planescape: Torment is very much played for its story, but damn is it an amazing one.)

"But Corvadin," you say. "These games look fun but they're, well, they're a bit old and dated for me. What the hell is THAC0? Why do I want some numbers on my character sheet to be lower and some to be higher? What's with all these weird racial restrictions on classes?"

Understandable. AD&D was weird like that, and that's part of the appeal for some people but others don't want to put up with that. Neverwinter Nights is a more modern experience based on D&D's third edition. Every class levels at the same rate, no racial restrictions, the simple "roll a die, add a modifier to it, try to beat a target number/DC" that modern D&D players are familiar with. Neverwinter Nights ships with several playable campaigns, but another crucial aspect of the game's appeal is its incredible modding community that has created many, MANY more modules, many of which are quite excellent. Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition is designed to be backwards compatible with the original release's player-made campaigns, so you have 21 years of fanmade content to explore, should your heart desire it. Go nuts.

(As an aside, Jeremy Soule did all the music for Neverwinter Nights. The soundtrack is incredible.)

The games I've discussed above are all updated re-releases of games that are old enough to legally drink in America, but the Pathfiner: Wrath of the Righeous is fairly recent (2021). Now, I'm not willing to lie to you and wholeheartedly endorse a game I have not played; if none of the games above appeal to you and you're considering getting this bundle solely for WotR ($40 on Steam compared to, again, $12 for the bundle), I encourage you to do your own research to make sure it's for you. What I can say is that I have dabbled in Pathfinder: Kingmaker and loved it, and I have several years of Pathfinder 1E tabletop experience. Golarian is a great setting and Owlcat Games knows how to make a CRPG, and the system it's built on is rock-solid (if a bit arcane at times due to an abundance of content and options). It isn't definitely a great game (because, again, I have not played it and am unwilling to lie to you), but it is certainly most likely a great game and I would at the very least encourage you to check it out.

(There is one major issue regarding Wrath of the Righteous; Owlcat did attempt a little stunt involving changing their EULA to allow them to install third-party spyware on the player's PC and sell said information. This was nearly-immediately reverted after mass backlash (hence the recent poor Steam reviews), but it's definitely something to keep in mind regarding the game; I would not blame you if you were completely turned off from the game because of it.)

I do hope that some of you will find something on this list that you enjoy. I'm always eager to share the CRPG genre with others, and as much as I love Baldur's Gate 3 (and I do love it a lot), I'm almost as excited by the possibility of these old games getting some new love as well.

[the-passenger-if]

Hi Pime!! Congrats on the release of the game it was ridiculously good and hit me right in the feels. I have a curiosity question that you can totally ignore if you're uncomfortable answering it or don't want to or anything. Given that you sold your game instead of like the "standard" contract that a lot of IF authors are able to have, did you make as much as you were expecting to for your first game? (I'm definitely not asking for specific numbers 😨 just like in general) I'm just curious how it all panned out because I feel like your game has been everywhere lately but that could just be my dashboard lol I'm really sorry if this is a rude thing to ask, I kinda have a hard time with social cues sometimes. And congratulations again!!🥳🥳

combining it with

Do you get updated with numbers? Do you know how many copies have sold already? I hope it’s been going well!!

and

Hi there! As an aspiring IF author, I was wondering if you'd be comfortable talking about the mechanical process, profit, and other technical aspects of having your work published. I understand that finances are often uncomfortable to talk about, but because of that a lot of us who haven't gone through the whole process have very little information about how plausible it is to even make some side income through writing. Thanks!

I’m quite pleased with The Passenger’s sales. Let’s just say I had a number in my head that was handsomely surpassed n_n

Irt the more mechanical process, I can talk about my experience as an argentinian writing for Hosted Games, which is a completely different experience from someone residing in the US or a country with a tax treaty with it. I had to sell the game and the rights to get it published—which I was aware of since almost the start—so my contract looks different from what you can read on COG’s page.

Now, how plausible it is to make some side income writing for HG: I guess it depends on how many books you can churn out in a relatively short amount of time. Some authors can finish a book per year (like @jamesshawgames) others will work on a single book for years (like me). There’s a HG author that has published like 15 titles and I guess they are getting something from the royalties (I wouldn’t know about that; I get no monthly royalties from TP).

I asked @sofia-d-asb to fill in the gaps I had about self-publishing and this is what she had to say:

“If you have a good book/game on your hands, self-publishing is far superior than going through CoG.

Patreon works well for some people, personally I don’t have the time/desire to make extra content.”

Steam asks for $100 to host your game, and I suspect the other storefronts might ask for similar prices. Steam pays you monthly, at the end of the following month. You get 70% of the sales and they pay you via bank transfer.

I talk about my contract here. I oc didn’t have to deal with storefronts because HG took care of that.

tl;dr be honest with what you want to get out of writing IFs. If you want to do it because there’s a story you want to share, then go ahead. If you’re doing it because you want lots of money, then maybe you’re better off finding a second job. The thing with IFs is sometimes you have an amazing game yet people don’t find it all that interesting, or they don’t like the premise so they don’t read it, or so many other things. And sometimes you’re lucky and/or write the sort of genre most players like and so your public grows and grows. It’s a coin flip away really, and I don’t know about you, but the only thing that kept me going, pushing to finish and publish TP was the excitement of my players, and my own love for the project.