#'are you good at languages' no i'm just good at bullshitting tests and now i'm facing the consequences

[caernua]

i need to become fluent in german tomorrow bc i got placed in the b1 class and i'm definitely an a2 if even that and now i'm shitting myself🫥

[anoant-haikyuu-dump]

More Nekoma HCs

• Teshiro’s really good at those pen spinning tricks, the other first-years pop off when he does it. He also has the best handwriting of the first-years and they borrow his notes before big tests. Lev's handwriting is borderline illegible— he claims its cause he's Russian but everyone calls him out on his bullshit ("Dude, your first language is Japanese??")

• Fukunaga carries around a slide whistle, when he's not on court he plays it every time someone dives for the ball

• Shibayama's the kinda guy to send buzzfeed quizes in the team groupchat and make everyone take them ("Dont you guys wanna know what cat breed you are?"). Most of the team groan but secretly find it endearing. Kuroo unabashadly loves it and commends Shibayama's team spirit

• None of the second-years are good students— Kenma spends class playing mobile games under his desk or napping, Tora doesn't listen but even if he did he wouldn't process anything, and Fukunaga's in his own little world 90% of the time. Kenma skates by with general smarts but Tora and Fukunaga are in the TRENCHES. Kuroo and Kai help tutor them when needed

• The whole team LOVES Akane, that's their cheer captain!! She gets along best with Fukunaga and Kenma because they're closest to Tora but I think she'd also vibe a lot with Yaku cause they have a similar sassy energy (and height but shh). All of them treat her like an absolute queen, mess with her and you got 10 guys knocking at your door

• Tora picks people up a lot, he just grabs them and throws them over his shoulders. The most common victims are the second years but also Shibayama since he's "bite-sized" as Tora so eloquently puts it. He tried it with Yaku a single time which did NOT go well, he hasn't again since

• When Hinata's in town to hang out with Kenma Inkuoka and Lev WILL find a way to crash it no matter what. The just happened to show up at the same arcade, what a conincidence!! Kenma gives them the death glare but unfortunately for him Hinata is more than happy to let them tag along

• Kai is generally really chill but when he yells he's louder than even Tora. The team finds this out at training camp when they're settling in for the night and the first years decide its a great time to have a pillow fight. One flies directly into a sleeping Kai's face. The other teams can hear the reprimanding through the walls (bro doesn't fuck around with his beauty rest)

• Sometimes they do video game nights at Kuroo's but Kenma is either straight-up banned or given severe handicaps. The one time he loses is during MarioKart when Kuroo starts waving his hands in front of his face and Kenma stops playing to wresting him away (he still manages to beat Tora somehow)

• Kuroo and Yaku argue all the time but if anyone else talks shit about them they hop to the other's defense immediately. You do not get away with making fun of Yaku's height unless you're Kuroo himself.

• Kuroo's the biggest fan of Fukunaga's jokes, as a fellow pun enthusiast he appreciates him keeping the court light-hearted. He laughs way too hard even when they're not that funny and sometimes fires a quip or two back. Also Kuroo's definetly the type to literally slap his knee when laughing

• (Ignore the awful picture quality) There's this scene from the Tokyo Battles stage play where Shibayama dances along with Akane and Alisa from the stands and it's the cutest thing ever i'm obsessed. Anyways I think he's the king of the bench cheerleaders, he teaches Teshiro and Inuoka all the little dances and chants

alright thats it for now, long live Nekoma

[andy-wm]

3D by JK (feat. JH) - my take.

Ok, unpopular opinion maybe, and I might get my ass beaten for this (not in a good way 🤣)

Feel free to disagree RESPECTFULLY.

Disclaimer: If anyone comes at me with that cancel bullshit I will block you, because we all get to have an opinion.

If my post enrages you, scroll past until you can be civil, then come back and talk. Or block me. I dont mind.

And don't tell me that because I don't love this song I have to hand in my ARMY card... I'm not going to.

🙂💜🙂

I'll start by saying I love JK so, so much. Adore him. Will always support him.

But for me, 3D is a misstep.

My feeling is Hybe should have reconsidered releasing it as it is.

JK's lyrics are fun and sexy. The innuendo is on point. The melody is great and the chorus has excellent sing-along value. Even though I'm not a huge pop music fan, I like the vibe.

The MV dancers are awesome, and I got a kick out of the fire hydrant metaphor.

And in that jacket with nothing under it, JK looks hot enough to melt asphalt.

However....

Including Jack Harlow's rap IMO is a mistake. It sucks, frankly. Not in a good way.

It not only misses the mark on the tone of the rest of the song but his lyrics are really just offensive. Misogynistic. And racial refrences are just... not cricket. It's 2023 not 1995, regardless of what his hairstyle tells you.

His lyrics sound like an incel bragging about their sex life when all they've ever done is watch porn. From his words, I doubt he knows how to please any person but himself.

His message is gross, but its still just... generic. Like he went to urban dictionary for spicy language and then googled how to treat women like shit. There's nothing original about what he's saying. He's not even being gross in an intersting way. It's gross AND boring.

(Jack, if you're reading this, sorry my guy you gotta do better.)

I've been army since 2018 and this is the first BTS song I have tried to find merit in and given up.

I honestly tried to be into it and i just... can't. It doesn't sit well with me.

This is a new experience for me because even when BTS release something i don't immediately love, i still stream and watch and let it sink in, or I work on figuring out what I am missing and why it's ACTUALLY good even if i can't grasp it.

This... it's just... not good, in my opinion.

I have to clarify here...

It isn't about explicit content, i am totally down for that. If anyone read my post on Seven, they will know my response to that song. In a nutshell, I believe all adults who want to, should happily and shamelessly be doing ALL the horizontal tango. Every type, every day, in every way. With anyone and everyone they fancy as long as all parties are informed and consenting adults who are equally enjoying the experience.

Yes. I am all about getting down.

That doesn't mean treating your partners like a body count or using and abusing them with no consideration. That's not cool.

**PSA: please be safe and use protection. Get tested regularly if you have multiple partners. Don't do anything you don't feel good about and dont stay with partners who harm or manipulate you 💜**

Now, back to the smut.

Some criticisms i saw of Seven were about how dirty it was. A few people were upset because JK said fuck, and because he sang about how and when he liked to fuck. But more criticism was levelled at Letto. Why?

It seemed like it was because she's a woman, singing about sex.

Letto totally owns her sexuality and she knows what she wants. I snorted with delight at how deliciously filthy her lyrics were. Some very clever wordplay made her verse so visceral, and pretty shocking to the pearl-clutchers, without her ever saying anything directly. I really enjoyed it.

She was telling us straight up how good she is in bed. Good for her. She totally rocks. And she wasn't disrespecting anyone. She didn't need to do that to make herself cool AF.

The difference between Letto's rap and jack harlow's is that jack sounds like he's just looking at the women he's singing about as a hole to stick his dick in. Women have fought for long enough for equality and respect. They don't need this bullshit. You can sing about getting down, and you can be absolutely filthy and nasty and wild, and you can do it without degrading your partners.

I did read a theory about this song being social commentary on toxic masculinity. You can find it here and you can read it below:

Its not bad as a theory. At least it wouldn't be if Namjoon or Yoongi or Hobi - or Jungkook himself - had written the song. If that were the situation we'd see some inkling of self awareness in the rap, and maybe a hint of character development. But there's none.

Sorry ARMY, this is not the class of lyricism we have come to expect.

If jack is trying to make a social statement^*, or play a character, he is not succeeding in showing any growth or humanity at all. He's really just that stereotype.

In the last few lines, after he offers to fly his victim from Korea to Kentucky, he says "and you ain’t gotta guarantee me nothing I just wanna see if I get lucky."

How considerate...

All I see is zero care factor about the actual person he's trying to get with. Which is quite different from JK's lyrics, which show awareness that he's interacting with a conscious, living human being, not a piece of furniture.

jack follows with "I just wanna meet you in the physical and see if you would touch me"

Ugh. Not with a ten foot pole, douchebag.

And how about, in his first verse "All my ABGs get cute for me"

Good god, really? Is he seriously saying this?

So its a no for me.

The ONLY saving grace is that there's an alternative version which is pretty fun. It's almost as if Hybe knew we would hate the version with jack harlow. Wow, such insight!

Now, i know that's not the only reason they made an alternative. They needed a clean version for US radio play (let's be real, what possible other purpose can this song serve? *°)

But they could have censored jack's... actually they couldn't. The rap verses can't be salvaged. They genuinely have no merit, the only hope for the song is totally removing them.

What does that tell you?

ARMY will no doubt still chart the main track but personally, I would feel morally compromised if i supported that version. So I'll stick to the alternative and hope for better things to come.

------------

^* Stylecaster doesnt think so either. I visited their website to check thr lyrics. They said, of D3, "Meanwhile, Jack Harlow brings the cool with his two verses as he raps about all the women he could pull"

Uh, really? I hope that's intended to be ironic.

*° The MV had only 4.5million views after 12 hours. And we know what brilliant strategists Hybe employs. I am travelling in Korea right now. There was no promo visible here. And it was no accident that it was released at lunchtime on Chuseok - the biggest famiily holiday of the year - when relatively few people in Korea would be available to engage with it. THEY KNEW IT WAS A STINKER.

[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

humbly asking for your ocs 🖐️✊🖐️✊🖐️✊

I will ALWAYS talk about my silly little Feds i love them so much

Left to right is Anton Pavoz, Necoda "Neko" Micce and Ivia Soares

I'm stickin my info dump below the cut for dash reasons, but their group tag on my blog is "#rvb oc: the clovers" for more of them!!

Officially they're marked down as a fireteam called Clovers, despite not actually being part of a specific squad. The bureaucratic reasoning is that because they're all specialists to some degree, its easier to move them to where they need to be if they don't have to wait for the rest of their squad. The unofficial reason is that no officer wants to pick up the three of them for their squad because supposedly they're bad luck for any squad they officially join, but you can't put superstition on your paperwork. Being a small, 'free floating' fireteam also means they're super easy to grab to work smaller jobs like recon and escort missions, or just to beef up a preexisting squad, so they end up bouncing around between bases a lot, going where they're needed.

Pavoz is a weapons and vehicles specialist, and he gets his heavy artillery qualifications after the Reds are 'killed by the rebels'. He had the training for a while but hadn't taken the actual final test to get the red trimmed armor with everything else going on- thinking Sarge was dead was the final kick in the pants he needed to get it finalized. Both of his parents were in the Federal Army before him, and he used his mom's maiden name when he registered to allow for some distance between them and him. He did get his dad's dogtags after his dad died, despite that distance, so now Anton wears both his own tags and his dad's. He's a pretty quiet guy for the most part, and he likes to draw! As a teenager, he used to sit in the center throughway of the base his father was stationed at on the weekends and just people watch and sketch everyone he could.

Neko is a translation specialist, although he never actually gives the same answer if you ask him exactly how many languages he knows. Sometimes he gives a reasonable, if impressive number, like 5 or 7. Sometimes he just says 'yes' or 'how ever many I want' because he's a little shit like that. He's also a lying liar who lies, which you can imagine isn't be ideal for someone who is supposed to be translating for you, but he mostly keeps his bullshitting limited to answering personal questions, like where he's from, how old is he, why is he such an asshole, etc. You know, for the bit! Neko is always up for a good joke or a prank, although he definitely prefers the kind that are best delivered with a well timed comment and then watching the chaos unfold around him. He's also a regular feature in the gym at whatever base they're currently at- gymnastics, cardio and sparring are his go to workouts, and he's surprisingly flexible to boot!

Ivia is a medic! She was starting in her second semester of college for a degree in zoology and xenobiology when the protests against the Chorusan government escalated and the first whispers of civil war started cropping up in certain circles and she joined the Federal army after her father was killed in what was reported as a rebellion bombing. Her dad's UNSC hoodie that he gave her when she first moved to Armonia for her classes is her most beloved possession now, even if it is way too big for her- it reminds her of when he would take her camping, just the two of them, and she treasures both the memories and the skills she learned on those trips. She tends to be separated the most from the other two Clovers- medical personal are in high demand everywhere on Chorus, and there's a pretty limited supply. She tends to worry a lot about the boys when they're apart, but that high medic demand does keep her distracted at least. When they're together, Ivia keeps the other two from driving each other crazy- just as they keep her grounded with her tendency to get caught up thinking about the bigger picture of cause and effect, and usually overthinking about it in the process.

[flufallo]

I can't stop making these now

Niko: Do you mean best friend, boyfriend or bread feast? Because you’re being really vague here.

Crystal : I want a bf.

Crystal : Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it means you’re awake in someone else’s dreams.

Crystal : When I find out who you are, I’m going to punch you in the face.

Cat king: Hello friends!

The Squad:

Cat king: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling

Crystal : If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it

Edwin: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it.

Cat king: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!

Esther: Ok, Cat king, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1916?

Cat king: edwin

Esther: ...You're ready.

(I edited this one obvs)

Cat king, when Charles walks in: Oh, hey, I'm just making pizza.

Cat king: *accidentally smacks Edwin in the face with the baking sheet*

Cat king: Never gonna make you cry!

Monty: Never gonna say goodbye!

Cat king: Never gonna tell a lie—

Crystal : I will hurt you.

Edwin: You spent all our money on THIS??

Charles, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

Edwin: Hey, about that love letter you sent me-

Cat king: *blushes* What are your thoughts?

Edwin: The fourth sentence-

Cat king: Yeah, that’s where I got really emotional and I-

Edwin: It’s “you’re” not “your”.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Crystal : No.

Niko: Nice rock.

Charles: Thanks, Jenny gave it to me.

Jenny: I threw it at you!

Charles: Aren't they the sweetest?

Monty: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Charles: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Jenny: I got distracted halfway through.

Crystal : Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Cat king: As your best friend—

Edwin: Charles is my best friend.

Cat king, holding a knife: As your best friend—

Cat king: *watching their house burn down*

Cat king:

Cat king: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

Charles: Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

Monty: Mmm, we aren't really that close.

Charles: Oh, good.

Monty: What did you get Niko for their birthday?

Charles: I got them a kitten.

Monty: Really? Me too!

Crystal : I also got them a cat.

Edwin: Looks like we had the same idea.

Charles: Cat king, please tell me you didn't get Niko a cat as well!

Cat king: ...what do you think?

*later*

Niko, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!

Edwin, setting down a card: Ace of spades.

Crystal, pulling out an Uno card: +4.

Charles, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!

Niko, trembling: What are we playing?!

Edwin: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Monty: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Edwin: But you’re always acting stupid?

Monty: ...

Monty: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

Niko: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.

Crystal : But are you shuffling?

Niko: Everyday.

Edwin: What language are you two speaking??

Cat king, holding a toy lightsaber: I’m Darth Vader!

Edwin: I’m done with everyone’s bullshit.

Monty: Niko, what are you doing?

Niko: *shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.

Monty: You could always take it out and count it.

Niko: Where’s the fun in that?

Cat king: Hey.

Edwin: Hey?

Cat king: I can't sleep. :/

Edwin: I can. Goodnight.

Niko: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F...

Niko: ...How did I fail being born?

Niko: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

Charles: Edwin, I got suspended from school…

Edwin: WHAT?!?! What did you do?

Charles: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler, and he said “there is an idiot at the end of this ruler”.

Edwin: And…?

Charles: I asked which end…

Edwin, unable to contain their laughter: Okay, you just made my day.

Charles, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

Crystal : *trying to get five seconds of sleep*

Charles, poking Crystal ’s arm: Crystal Crystal . Crystal . Crystal .

Crystal : WHAT?

Charles: …We’re out of Capri Suns—

Edwin, to Charles: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Charles: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.

Edwin: You just told me you're pregnant.

Niko : Congratulations Charles, you're glowing!

Cat king: I just ended a five year relationship.

Niko: Oh no, are you okay?

Cat king: It's okay, it wasn't mine.

Niko : I was voted “friendliest classmate” in high school.

Charles: I was voted “most likely to become a clown”…

Cat king : You think that’s bad? HA! I was voted “most likely to get rabies”!

Edwin, playing a video game: How do I play?

*Edwin has drawn first blood!*

*Edwin is on a killing spree!*

*Edwin is on a rampage!*

*Edwin is unstoppable!*

*Edwin is dominating!*

*Edwin is godlike!*

Edwin: Don’t worry guys, I figured it out.

[warmaidensrevenge]

Love and pinball

Pairings: Eddie x Fem!plus size reader

If you want to read my other work you can find it HERE

A/N: Hello my loves. This is the next part in my little series. For those of you who are new, feel free to click the above link to catch up on this fic. Just a warning before the warnings. This ends sadly. So be prepared. Also, I am looking for some help for the 8th and final part of this series. If anyone is interested, please message me. Also, I had a couple of songs that inspired me. They are posted below. As always feedback is greatly appreciated and comments/reblogs are always welcomed. They are what keeps us creators going. Kay love ya byyyyyeeee.

I do not give permission for my work to be posted anywhere else. Respect all creators. Also, all pictures used are from a Google search. A credit to the original posters.

Word count: 3,977

Warnings: 18+ No minors please. Language, angst, sexual implications, death and not proof read.

Part 7: Making the right choice.

Summary: Eddie makes the best decision of his life. But his happiness is short lived.

" It's been a long time, son."

Eddie tensed up a little. " Yeah…how are you?"

His dad chuckled behind the prison glass. " Well I guess I'm doing alright. As well as I can be."

Eddie pressed his lips together. " Right. Sorry."

" So you gonna pussy foot around or you gonna tell your old man why you're here?"

Eddie laughed a little. His dad always did cut to the chase.

"Okay, so normally I go to Wayne when I have a problem. But he's on his way to Nebraska for work and couldn't get a hold of him. I-I need help. Like now."

" Who did you knock up?"

Eddie stood quiet and hung his head. " I got one girl pregnant for sure."

" One?"

He sighed and rubbed his face. " My sorta ex is having a baby too. But it might not be mine."

" What the hell boy?! I know it feels good not wearing a jimmy. But two girls! And what the hell do you mean sorta ex?"

Eddie went on to explain the entire situation. Start to finish. And his dad just sat there shaking his head.

"I really need your help dad. I think I know what I have to do. But I don't want to make the wrong choice here. And regardless of where you are. I still need my dad." Eddie looked back. " I get that things didn't work out with you and mom. But I remember how much you loved her. And how much she loved you…you would do anything for her. So I need you to help me…I love this girl. And I want to marry her one day. I just don't know what to do if my ex has my kid."

Allen looked up at his son and saw the doubt and insecurity there. "Alright. Here it is. Get a DNA test done. And if it's yours make sure you get joint custody. If it's not then go be a good dad to the other. But don't jump from one relationship to the other. Son, you've been in a relationship for your entire adult life. Do you even remember who you used to be? Because I'm looking at you and I don't see my son."

Eddie furrowed his brow. " Well I have grown up since I last saw you."

" I know that. But the Eddie I remember used to be so happy and full of energy. You had plans to play at The Garden…what happened to that guy? Don't tell me all the guitar lessons I paid for are going to waste."

" I just play now for shits and giggles."

" See that's what I'm talking about. I remember a time where that's all you would ever talk about. You said you weren't going to quit."

" I didn't quit, okay! I wasn't good enough."

Allen scoffed. " Bullshit."

" Dad, seriously?"

" Look boy, all I'm sayin' is give yourself some time to figure out who you are without a girl. Figure out who you want to be. Because you only have a few months to get it right. And if I were you…well I would choose the one you can't stop thinkin' about. Your best friend. And if you end up with two kids. Then son you gotta work things out with both. I can't tell you how to do it. But I can tell you no matter what, be a better old man than your old man. Make your kids proud. And be with a woman who loves and respects you as a man."

" So you're saying that I shouldn't be with either one of them?"

" I'm sayin' find the man inside you. All the shit you were doing before was kid shit. Grow up."

…

Eddie left his dad more confused than ever. So he went home.

It was three days later and his first stop was to the apartment.

He took a deep calming and encouraging breath before walking in. The second he did he was instantly annoyed. Jason was there cuddled up with Chrissy on the couch, watching a movie.

They both looked back and genuinely looked surprised to see him.

" Ed? You're back."

He stared at Jason and wanted to throw him out. But then he thought that it didn't matter anymore. Obviously, Chrissy didn't give two shits about his feelings.

" Chrissy, can I speak to you in private?"

She looked at Jason and what looked like her asking permission to do so. Eddie rolled his eyes.

" Yeah. I umm I'll go and get that foot spa for you." Jason said before giving her a kiss on the head and taking off.

Eddie then walked around the couch and sat down. " I guess Jason took care of you while I was gone."

She hung her head in shame.

" Look I'm not here to hurt you or stress you out. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you. But I came back to tell you I'm still gonna move out. And that as soon as you're able to do it. I'll pay for a paternity test."

She nodded and wiped her tears away.

" Whatever the outcome is, you and I are done… You have done something that I can't really believe. Still, I love you. And I respect that you might be the mother of my kid. So the only time I want to hear from you is if it has something to do with the baby… I'll be at Gareth's."

She shuddered a breath. " Th-that's fair."

He shook his head a little and got up to grab his stuff.

Before he left he stopped at the door and looked over his shoulder at her.

" Oh. By the way, Y/n's pregnant too."

Chrissy covered her mouth in shock.

" We're gonna be a family Chrissy. And if the test comes back that it's mine…just get used to the idea that she's gonna be his or her mom too."

" His." She accidentally said.

Eddie felt a jolt of joy when he heard that. And if under any other circumstances, he would call everyone and celebrate that he was having a boy. Instead, he gave her a weak smile and left.

…

When he pulled up to your place, he never felt so bad. These past few days were not what he was expecting. He was given advice that wasn't what he hoped for. But what he needed to hear. That's why he was here. He was going to tell you that though he was deeply in love with you. That he needed to step up and figure out what to do.

When he got off the van he was met with a worried you.The second you opened the door and saw him, you threw your arm around his neck and squeezed.

" Do you have any idea how worried I've been!?"

It took everything he had to not burst into tears.

" Don't you dare disappear like that again! Don't you dare put me through that again. I thought-" You pulled away to wipe your tears. " I put in a missing persons report for you. I-I didn't even have a picture…Robin printed off one from your old yearbook."

" I'm so sorry sweetheart."

Eddie couldn't believe that you did that. Not even the girl he had loved for five years gave a crap that he was gone. And here you were, scared that something had happened to him.

You pulled him back and hugged him so tight that he could feel the anguish coming off of you.

" Where did you go? I thought you might come back after you talked to Chrissy."

He put a hand behind your head and rested his cheek on your forehead. " I wanted to…I needed to talk to someone."

You leaned back and looked at him. " And you couldn't talk to me? Or at the very least call and tell me you were okay?"

He went quiet and looked away.

When he didn't say anything after a few seconds you took a couple steps back.

" Just say it."

His eyes returned to you. " Say what?"

You crossed your arms and sighed. " That the possibility of having two babies is too much."

He licked his lips and shook his head. " That's not-"

" If you want to bail on me. F-fine. I'll be alright. I can do this by myself. But don't bolt on Chrissy if you're the father of her's."

" I'm not gonna leave you high and dry. I'm not that guy Y/n. And if the baby's mine. I'm going to do what I'm supposed to-"

You cut him off. " But?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat. Everything his dad said seemed so wrong now that he was standing in front of the one person who got him. His best friend.

Eddie took a step towards you. You expected him to say that he was going to do right by you and Chrissy. But he didn't want to be with either of you now. However, that wasn't what he said.

" Chris and I are over… But you and I. Baby we will never be over. I love you. I'm in love with you. And I'm gonna be here for you whether you want me to or not." He stepped close enough to cup either side or your face. " I wanted a family and you're giving it to me…I-I just need to ask you one thing."

You held onto his forearms and nodded.

" I know it's a lot to ask, but are you willing to still be with me and accept that I might have a son in three months?"

Your eyes went wide and a small smile found your lips. " Son?"

He softly laughed. " Yeah."

Tears of joy filled both of your eyes. After a second you wrapped your arms around his waist. Burying your face in his chest. Saying a soft yes.

" Hmm?"

" Yes and I still want you." You leaned back and looked up to him. " But what're we gonna do now?"

He started rubbing your shoulders and let out a sigh of relief. " Well, right now I'm gonna go drop my stuff off at Gareth's. Then I'm gonna come back and take you to a late lunch. Afterwards, I'm gonna see about getting a different job. I can't support you and our baby on a mechanics paycheck."

" No. You like that job bud. I'm not gonna let you give that up. And I'm a big girl. I can help too."

He chuckled. " I know you can. But I want you and our baby to not want for anything…I have a little saved up. So we can use that for the nursery. And as soon as I get a good paying job, we could…if you want, we could… maybe get married."

" Eww!"

Eddie furrowed his brow.

" Seriously curls? I'm not gonna have a shotgun wedding."

He hung his head and shook it. " Right. Not another cliche."

You grabbed his chin and made him look at you. " After what you put me through the last 3 days, you're lucky I didn't kick you in the shins. But yes. I honestly don't think we should even be thinking about that right now. What we should be doing is getting you settled on the pull out."

He tilted his head. Silently asking what?

" I don't know how I'm going to feel in a couple months. And I would feel a lot better if you were closer."

"On the pull out though?"

" Yes in the pull out." You backed away from him. " You're not getting off that easily, mister. Now get your stuff and come inside."

Eddie watched as you went inside. What he planned for the conversation was not what happened. But he honestly couldn't be happier. He finally got the girl he was meant to be with and he was going to have a family of his own.

…

2 & ½ months later

Eddie had noticed you been down lately and wanted to make you smile. So he took you to the place it all started for him.

" Man it feels like I haven't been here for ages." You said as you and him walked through The Palace. " You know, I wonder?"

Eddie grinned at you. "Wonder what sweetheart?"

You looked towards a certain area. "Follow me."

He was right behind you and stopped just a couple of steps when you went to the game that started it all.

" When I first moved here, I had this ongoing battle with this little kid. Every Sunday night, I would come and see that this loser beat my score with exactly 1,000 points." You sighed then smiled at the pinball machine.

Eddie came and put a hand on your lower back. " Yeah? Did he do it again?"

You looked at the score and shook your head. " Looks like the little dweeb hasn't been here in a while either."

He smiled and went to reach for the note you left months prior. You watched in confusion as he smirked at the note and put in the quarter you left. He then proceeded to play until he beat your high score. With guess it, exactly 1,000 points.

He then put a quarter in the coin slot and grinned.

You crossed your arms and furrowed your brow. " You?"

He laughed a little and nodded.

" This whole time?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. " You're not pissed are you?"

You ran your tongue over your teeth then clicked it. Laughing a little after. " Kinda."

Eddie frowned. But then you wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a peck on the lips.

" I'm totally gonna kick your ass at that later. But right now. I want you to take me home."

He smirked while leading you back to the van.

You guys didn't make it home though. You had him make love to you in the back of the van.

He had just came deep inside your pussy and went limp on you.

" Aaaannnddd I'm pregnant."

He chuckled and shook his head.

A few minutes passed when you cleared your throat.

" Eddie?"

He looked up and started stroking your hair. " Yeah baby?"

You looked back and forth between his eyes. " I'm really happy you picked me."

Before he gave you a loving kiss he whispered. " I will always pick you."

…

The following morning you found yourself on the couch with Eddie.

" Shit! Did you feel that sweetheart?"

You smiled at Eddie who had his head on your belly. " I did bud. The baby's kinda in-"

You were cut off by a sharp pain in your lower back.

"Ooofffff!"

Eddie's head shot up. "What is it? What's wrong?"

You let out a shaky breath. "I think our chicken nugget head butted my kidney."

He gasped and turned to your tummy. " Hey booger. You need to be nice to your mommy."

You shook your head and smiled. " You know, ever since we decided on waiting until the peanut is born to find out the gender. I love how we come up with neutral nicknames."

He grinned and put his head back on your stomach. " Well I for one love the one you said the other day. What was it?"

You pressed your lips together and sighed.

" Oh! That's right. Daddy's little squirt."

" Oh my god! That was you!"

He smirked and kissed your belly. "Yeah. I like that one."

You shook your head and laughed.

Eddie looked up at you again and looked like he had a lot on his mind.

You moved his bangs away from his eyes. " What is it curls?"

"Nothing. I'm just really excited to meet the munchkin."

You nodded. " Me too."

He kissed your tummy again and crawled up your body. Landing a kiss. The second it turned into more the front door opened.

" Oh! Ummm sorry." Paul shielded Natalie's eyes.

Eddie got up quickly and went to grab Natalie's bag.

"Hey guys. You're early." You said, sitting up right on the couch.

Paul gave you an I'm sorry look. " I uhh I got called into work early."

You held out your arms for Natalie after she gave Eddie a hug.

" Hi baby."

" Tee!" She squealed while hugging your neck. " Tee? When's my baby coming?"

You smiled at her and held your little tummy. " not for a while baby."

She pouted, making you tear up. " I'm sorry."

Eddie felt his heart fill with warmth seeing you and Natalie. At that moment he wished for a girl.

After Paul left Eddie and Natalie watched cartoons while you started making lunch.

The phone trilled.

You went over and answered it. A few seconds later you looked at Eddie.

" Yeah we'll be right there."

…

You were holding Eddie's hand watching Natalie play with the hospital's toys. Waiting patiently as Chrissy gave birth down the hall.

Eddie was quiet. You could feel his anxiousness.

" Bud?"

He looked at you.

" Whatever happens…we'll figure this out. Together."

He squeezed your hand and nodded.

13 hours later

Chrissy's mom came out and motioned for Eddie to go with her.

He squeezed your hand once more before following her.

One look at the baby and he knew. He was his. His heart sank. But at the same time he was relieved to know the truth.

He gave Chrissy a kiss on the head and went to hold his baby boy. Tears fell from his eyes. A mixture of happiness and sadness filled him.

A little while later he returned to the waiting room to find you talking to Jason.

You knew immediately from his face that Eddie now a son. It hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot. But you faked a smile and hugged him.

" He's- he's beautiful."

You nodded and smiled.

Jason got up and went to see Chrissy while you and Eddie sat back down.

He sighed. " I don't know what to say."

" There's nothing to say Eddie. Just be happy."

" I…I really thought he wasn't going to be mine."

" But he is. And now you need to be here…I'm gonna take Natalie home. It's her nap time."

Eddie didn't want you to leave. But you gave him a hug and he handed you the keys to the van.

"I love you."

You kissed his cheek and nodded. " I'll see you at home."

His heart broke watching you walk away from him. He hated that more than anything. Even though he wanted to go with you, he had to be with his baby.

…

Two weeks later Eddie had spent more time with Chrissy than he did with you. It was selfish but you wanted him to be at home. With you.

When he did come home he came to eat and sleep. Then he was gone before you woke up.

You felt so alone. Sure you had Paul and Robin. Even Steve and Gareth came around a lot once they found out that you and Eddie were together. But all you wanted was Eddie.

One weekend he finally came home with baby Liam.

You nearly cried seeing his big brown eyes.

" God curls. He's…so perfect."

Eddie grinned. "Wanna hold him?"

You looked at him with caution in your eyes.

"It's okay sweetheart. Chrissy doesn't mind."

You sat down and he placed baby Liam in your arms.

You fell in love instantly. " Hi monkey."

Liam cooed and smiled.

" Look at you." You sniffled.

Eddie sat closer to you and started rubbing your arms. " You okay?"

" Yeah. It's just the hormones." You wiped away your tears and looked at him. " I miss you."

He frowned a little. " I know. I miss you too. That's why I brought him today. I wanted to ask if he could stay with us sometimes. I hate not being here for you. And I don't want to be away from him."

" Is Chrissy okay with that?"

He pressed his lips together. " She doesn't really care."

" What's that supposed to mean?"

Eddie looked at Liam and frowned. " The only time she really spends with him is when he needs to be fed."

You turned to look at the beautiful little human in your arms. " Eddie, that's not okay…maybe she had postpartum."

" That's what I thought. But I don't know. It's like she doesn't want him."

That right there broke your heart. How could anyone not want this perfect little angel?

" Baby, I don't know if that's okay. I think she might need some help."

" She's with Jason. "

You were instantly pissed. " What?!"

He shook his head. " She said she needed some time. So she went to stay with Jason today."

" You're joking.'

He shook his head.

" What about his feeding schedule?"

" I-I have a couple of frozen bags of milk-"

" That's not gonna last him at all."

You looked at Eddie again and he looked like he was gonna cry. He also looked so tired. You immediately knew that you had to do something.

" Okay. This is what we're gonna do. First, I need you to leave me the bags of milk and go back to the apartment and get some extra clothes and blankets. Then go to the store and get a couple of cans of formula. Make sure it says for newborns. Then get diapers and fragrance free baby wipes."

" O-okay."

You cupped his face. " Together, remember?"

" Y-yeah. Anything else?"

You looked back at little Liam. " Whatever else we'll get it. Just be careful and come back. Don't freak out on me and take off again."

" I'm not leaving him." He kissed your temple. " Or you."

-

When he came back you were sitting in the nursing room. Rocking Liam back and forth.

You quickly put your finger to your lips.

Eddie then watched as you put Liam in the cradle he bought for your guy's baby. You then grabbed a baby monitor and walked with him to the living room.

" Baby's sleep a lot. So you should sleep when he sleeps." You whispered.

Eddie wrapped his arms around you and silently cried. "I-I don't know what I would've done without you."

You hugged him back. " Well good thing you have me huh?"

He chuckled lightly. " I love you."

"Promise?"

He looked at you and smiled softly. " Pinky."

…

Two months had gone by and Chrissy got over the initial shock of having a baby. You were seven months pregnant now.

It was awkward at first but then it became weirdly normal.

Eddie brought Liam home with him four nights a week and sometimes on the other days Chrissy would come over too.

Overall you guys became this unusual little family. Then the worst possible thing happened.

You had gone to Paul's house to babysit Natalie.

Ever since he found out that Eddie had a baby with Chrissy, he and Eddie have been on the outs. Paul didn't want Natalie around Eddie anymore, so you respected his decision and started watching her at his place.

You had gone upstairs to get her ready for the day, when all of a sudden you slipped on one of her toys and fell down the stairs.

You were unconscious for a few minutes until you heard Natalie crying.

-

Eddie was at Chrissy's when he got the call from your brother. He immediately went to the hospital. Paul was sitting outside the room when he ran up.

Paul looked up and Eddie knew. He knew that something terrible happened.

Paul tried to stop him from going in the room but Eddie pushed him away.

He froze when he saw you. Your arm was in a cast and you had bruises all over. The beeping from the monitor sounded so ominous.

He looked over the room and didn't see a bassinet.

That's when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

" She didn't make it. I'm…I'm so sorry."

Eddie's heart fell.

Paul's words echoed in his ears.

She?

…

@marsmunson86 @browneyes528 @erinsingalong @salenorona23 @emsgoodthinkin @eddie-is-a-god @manda-panda-monium

[orcelito]

wrt "is gifted kid what they actually call it" i cant speak for every school obv but in my district yes it was literally called the "gifted kid program" where in elementary school (i assume they chose kids based on above average test results or something?) theyd pull you out of math/language lessons to a separate room where they gave you work that was "more advanced" (i assume it was probably stuff from later in the year or maybe a grade level above? i dont remember it very clearly) though really all it led to was not receiving instruction because i was expected to be smart enough and then getting in trouble for "not putting in effort when i clearly had potential" when i struggled with doing assignments and then struggling for the rest of my academic career because i was never taught how to effectively study since i was expected to already know (since i was obviously so gifted and smart). so yknow. in my experience the only thing the program is actually effective at is finding kids with undiagnosed adhd or autism lmao

Jesus what the hell????? My schools never had that 😭😭😭😭 there were honors and AP classes of course in middle and high school, which I took a good few of, but no program like that... tho now that I'm thinking about it, since u specified elementary school, my elementary school was weird af in general (tiiiiiny ass elementary school, several grades in each classroom simply bc there were too few students to separate them by grade)(literally in my last year there, 4th grade, there was just me and two other girls in that grade) so?????? No space for any bullshit like that. It had its own problems lol, including being pretty lax on Actually Teaching (how the hell did I pass my classes when I failed nearly every spelling test and refused to do my math homework most of the time????) but I was smart enough to bounce back once I got to middle school.

But. Hm. U have given me smth to think about for sure. I kinda thought that tumblr was using that to mean someone who was just in advanced classes in school in general that got burnt out afterwards, but it's a Literal Program???? That then makes it so they don't Teach You?????? 😭😭😭 that seems like a broken af system, wtf

[canmom]

the big thing in large language models at the moment seems to be a technique called "chain of thought prompting". this is where you ask the AI to solve a problem and tell it to "think step by step" or something like that.

(as an aside, it is so fucking weird to me that we can suddenly give computers instructions in natural language. not even a constrained subset of natural language like Inform 7, you just write instructions like you would to a human. that's fucked up.)

with this method, the models are able to solve problems that they couldn't otherwise (instead of just cheerfully bullshitting an answer). of course "solve problems" should be clarified, they can produce a sequence of words that a human can recognise as a solution to a problem. this chain of words really is a chain in that if the AI makes a mistake early on, it propagates forwards, and if the mistake is fixed and the chain regenerated, it corrects the 'reasoning'.

what really gets me about this is... that's also how I think. when I try to explain a problem, or write down my process, that helps me get to answers that i couldn't, and think about things more clearly than if I just let it sit in my head. all the long-ass essays I write on this website - this one included - are essentially a means of doing that.

language is a technology. not just for communication, though it is that, but for thinking as well. having something formulated in words (or equations on a page) is a scaffolding to store more information than short term memory can hold, and reformulate it in different ways. writing a draft and editing it. this is why students are prompted to 'show their working' in subjects like maths, it's trying to introduce them to a technique which can be extended.

is something analogous happening for AI language models? a common objection to the idea that AI can 'reason' is that it's just generating the most likely next word according to its corpus. having been fed various examples where humans reason step by step, it generates something that looks similar. the objection to this objection would be to claim, in the process of boiling down the corpus into neural network weights, it has managed to capture something analogous to the structure of 'reasoning' performed by humans. is this actually true?

'generating the most likely next word' could be rephrased as 'generating a "good" sequence of words', based on the training examples. older predictive text models were trained to try to guess what the human would type next, and repeatedly taking the prediction would rapidly become nonsense bc it only keeps track of the last few words. but now they're trying to train much more complex AIs to generate original strings of words that interpolate/extrapolate the patterns in the corpus.

the thing I'm stuck on now is how alike/unalike is that to how humans think?

introspectively, thoughts appear in my head as a sequence of words, the so called 'stream of consciousness'. when i was a kid i would apparently move my mouth while reading as if mouthing the words, but i stopped doing this when someone pointed it out; nevertheless I tend to think 'verbally'. I don't know if everyone does this. but my brain generates sentences, somehow, which come to my conscious mind a word at a time.

so just like 'AI learns just like human artists', you could make the argument that I trained my inner neural network on a corpus - words spoken around me, books (lots of them), etc etc., to learn to generate strings of words that follow the patterns in that corpus, generating attempts at it, and being told whether they were good or bad. there is at least a superficial structural similarity in how that process played out.

i have no memories of how I learned language as a kid (beyond that i was good at spelling lmao), but to try to learn a second language today, two of the most effective tools are spaced repetition systems and immersion. the former involves exposing my brain to repeated queries that test if it's internalised some item or pattern, and then telling it 'right' or 'wrong'. the latter involves piling on as much stimuli as possible until it can start to discern patterns. (of course this isn't the whole story, reading verbal explanations of grammar points or creating mnemonics can help shortcut the process considerably by laying the necessary structure.)

eventually, I might reach a level of fluency where I could 'think in Japanese' - have an inner monologue entirely in Japanese instead of coming up with concepts in English and then mapping them to a Japanese equivalent. the first inklings of that are coming in set phrases like ただいま or (yes, sigh) 仕方がない which come unbidden into my head, acting as loanwords. (i expect the process would come a lot faster if I was in a context where people mostly spoke Japanese.)

that side of learning at least seems pretty similar to the training process used a large language model, right? you display a prompt, generate an answer, and then the brain 'updates' based on whether you're right or wrong.

on the other hand, one of the most effective ways that I have for learning something is to pursue a project that demands that I learn something new. the last few months, I've taught myself C#, Unity's DOTS, shaders etc. to a pretty decent level. this couldn't have happened if I wasn't trying to make a game that led me to constantly have to ask 'how can I do..., what is the best way to...' and experiment. though that gets into the murky question of motivation, desire etc, which isn't a factor at all in these non-agentic AI systems.

but to do this sort of thing I've got certain meta techniques. breaking down a problem into smaller chunks, creating smaller test cases, writing out what I'm trying to do and what the possible approaches are. you can see it in action in all those devlog posts for THRUST//DOLL, which are in effect a slightly cleaned up record of how I go about solving each problem that comes up while programming a game.

this is a sort of 'agentic' form of learning. I have a goal and I look up information (e.g. documentation, blog posts) that will help me achieve it. being able to do this is absolutely vital for humans now - the so-called 'extended cognition'. being good at looking things up might be better that just knowing a lot.

if you ask a GPTx AI to generate a plan, it isn't actually going to attempt to carry it out. but people have already started wiring together components so that the AI generates a string that says 'I will do this' and then another program generates an API call to match and feeds it back into the AI, e.g. looking up a piece of information it needs. I've also seen talk of using AI as a kind of 'glue' that creates effectively a universal natural language API between programs.

right now the AI's 'goal' is just to generate a good response to whatever the prompt is, according to the rewards applied during training (rewards in the sense of, increasing/ decreasing weights to encourage/discourage certain patterns).

but if it can generate a string of text that accurately encodes a chain of reasoning (as discernible by a human) and reliably figures out a way to an appropriate answer to a query posed... that seems to suggest that something closely analogous to 'reasoning' is happening in the computation that it's performing right? (unless it's regurgitating a specific chain of thought to a matching prompt that happened to be in the corpus... but a lot of these seem to be 'few-shot' or 'no-shot' tunings.)

what's wild is that this behaviour can be prompted just by writing 'think step by step'. like it's almost more a feature of human languages that the AI has gained access to. a behaviour that was latent in the trained model but had to be activated with the right prompt.

if programming felt like magic before... then giving commands to a black box AI where it's all based on trial and error discovery of what sentence evokes what behaviour seems even more so.

anyway idk. i have generally been pretty sceptical about AI claims but these last few months have really challenged that feeling, which puts me at variance to my friends whose general attitude is like lol techbros. I don't actually think The Singularity(TM) is upon us, but it is true that AI programs have suddenly blown past a lot of what had been hard limits, and making proclamations about what AI can't do seems like a great way to be laughably wrong. (they just solved hands!). a lot of things that were very difficult, like passing law exams, can suddenly be automated (allegedly). we've already seen Clarkesworld have to shut their doors to the flood of crappy AI generated submissions. I'm sure people will be eagerly trying to find ways to get AIs to act in an 'agentic' way, and close the feedback loop. what seems likely is a flood of janky AIs running wild on the internet at some point pretty soon. they don't have to be good, just cheaper than the human equivalent and sort of functional. whether the tendency to hallucinate will make it so the AIs just kind of implode before long if running in this mode... I guess we'll see. the 'danger' right now generally seems to be less a single AI doing a 'hard takeoff' and more that just about anyone can spin up an AI, and that means all sorts of assumptions of scarcity and bandwidth built into all our infrastructure will get invalidated. more effective spam, less novelty when there's 100 things generated with the same AI for every one from a uniquely 'trained' human.

idk, maybe I'm just buying the hype in a hypeful moment. there's plenty of reasons to be sceptical, 'AI will take over' has been a fantastic grift that's been shilled for decades, the people who are going most wild about this are often the same cunts who bought into obvious-scam NFTs last year, and it's obviously very easy to vaguely say 'this changes everything' and concoct some wild scifi scenario. alongside the genuine advances there will be a whole lot of bullshit, and it's very much in AI companies' interest to make out that their product is scarily powerful and maybe on the verge of becoming God, or at least as socially impactful as the internet.

but this feels like the low end of a logistic curve of capability, and while I'm sure it will taper off sooner or later, I have no idea what the other end looks like, how many 'low hanging fruit' have just come into reach of our ladder, and what the practical use for this tech will be once the hype bubble pops.

personally... i still haven't used an AI chatbot and AI image generators feel distasteful. I just write these long posts, which I'm sure Roko's Basilisk will read back mockingly to my simulated clone while saying 'how could you be such a dweeb' as it dissolves my toes in virtual acid.

[petr1kov]

thinking about how my previous job sucked. first week before we started to work we got these 'seminars' where the school principal basically talked bullshit for hours on end, made us take ridiculous personality tests, bad mouthed the paulo freire method, assured that the school's policy was one of self-improvement (meaning: meritocracy) and, worst of all, said all sorts of prejudiced stuff, even if thinly-veiled. either about how 'handing things to people' based on race was discriminatory (definitely talking about racial quotas), about how the education style they had there was a 'solid' one that didn't give in to 'fads' corrupting kids (definitely homophobia, in-context), and especially the ones that corrupted the portuguese language (talking about trans people and gender-neutral pronouns), stuff like that. that week was torture.

i felt disgusted to be working there at all, honestly, but i did need the job and the salary was well above average. but as you might imagine, the workplace was not a good one... very competitive and demanding, even of your online availability on hours before and after the job. also, i felt really out of place there. i'm not 100% sure why they let me go and they were at least polite about it, but i think that's probably the main reason, tbh. maybe i couldn't hide my discontent so well.

i'm trying to find something new now, sending cv's to a lot of places, but the thought of having to walk into a classroom again and deal with these sorts of people make me feel genuinely ill, like, sick to my stomach. but at the same time, i do need to find a job in my area, i definitely need the money and a stable source of income asap, so i guess i'll just have to power through or have a sudden career change (unlikely) 😐

idk. i guess it's just hard to feel excited for the future when so much of your time revolves around performing a job and almost every job ever fucking sucks

[watchyourdigits]

Falloutober Day One:

War Never Changes

I'm a little late to the party, but here's what I've got for day number one of Falloutober! The main fic for these two is Danse-centric, so I thought it'd be a fun challenge to rewrite the opening scene from Frankie's perspective this time. Enjoy~

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: mild sexual language, canon typical violence

Ship: Paldadin Danse x male Sole Survivor

"What's the plan here?"

Frankie rolled his eyes behind his gas mask, barely suppressing a groan. His newly acquired commanding officer had been, up until that very moment, the one calling the shots.

Why would Danse, an otherwise by-the-book kind of man, hand him the reins without warning? The question served as an obvious test; it wasn't as if this so-called 'Paladin' had been anything but wary of him thus far.

Now, facing down an unknown number of super mutants, he was suddenly leaving Frankie to figure out the best course of action.

He wouldn't know subtlety if it smacked him clean across his stupid, perfect face.

Frankie peered above the bushes they were squatting behind to get a better look at the camp. He did a quick visual scan of the place before pulling his head back down behind cover.

"I see three, but there's definitely more."

He tried to explain that his preferred method of sneak-attack wouldn't be as effective with super mutants as it would with human enemies, but the Paladin cut him off.

Typical.

Frankie tapped his fingers against his thigh impatiently as he was, once again, chastised for his manner of dress.

"You'd see better if you weren't wearing that ridiculous thing."

That tone of his was enough to make Frankie grimace. Despite his disarming good looks, Danse was proving no different than the military officials he served before the whole world went to shit. Society was functionally nonexistent and all Danse could seem to think about was arbitrary uniform codes.

Maybe you should just, I dunno, show him your ugly fuckin' mug? Then he'd get it.

He knew that was never truly an option, but it was nonetheless entertaining to imagine Danse's reaction to the grand reveal that he'd been on the receiving end of an unsightly facial disfigurement.

Deathclaws and power armor... Bad combo. Should probably warn him about that...

Frankie opted to ignore him, a momentous exercise of restraint on his behalf, the likes of which the Paladin would probably never be able to appreciate.

"It's not my favorite idea, but how's about you provide covering fire and I'll go in guns blazing?" he said confidently.

"I suppose it's not the worst plan in the world," Danse replied, shrugging his hulking, metal-clad shoulders, drawing an unseen smirk from Frankie at the sight of it. "You point, I shoot."

It was all too obvious that Danse didn't think he'd succeed. Frankie wasn't one to take such a challenge lightly. Hell, if a deathclaw and the literal end of the world couldn't take him down, he was practically invincible, right?

Frankie gave a smug smile behind his mask, clapping Danse on the shoulder.

"Good man. I'll see you on the other side."

He gave a quick two-finger salute, knowing damn well it was sure to piss Danse off to no end since it wasn't the classic Brotherhood salute he'd been taught. Just before he slid down the side of the hill, he caught a glimpse of Danse's face as expression changed to that of a man questioning his life choices.

He sure is somethin'... Guess this shit ain't so different from how it used to be, though. Murderin' everythin' in sight, dealing with annoying military bullshit… Annoying commanding officers with big ole cow eyes. Tryin' not to think about how good said commanding officer would look on his knees…

Frankie shook his head, trying to reel himself back in. He could dwell on his perversions later. Right now, he had to prove he was all he claimed and then some.

God, if you can hear me, just know that I think you're a real sick sonuvabitch.

"Two-hundred years on ice and a fella still can't catch a fuckin' break," he mumbled to himself.

He loaded his shotgun as he approached the first mutie he saw guarding the entrance to the camp. He noticed Frankie far too late.

Before the lumbering abomination could open his mouth to alert the others in his company, a laser fired from the hillside hit him square in the chest. He stumbled a little and Frankie finished him off with two shots to the head, whistling low.

He's a phenomenal shot, I'll give him that. Good timing, too.

Frankie took great delight in the easy flow of the battle. The mutants were slow to react, giving him ample time to sort out his strategy as he went. He made his way through the camp, drawing out his enemies toward the chaos and systematically taking them down, ducking behind cover to reload as Danse provided covering fire from above.

When things finally settled and the last of the super mutants fell, he allowed himself a moment to relish in the silence that rang in his ears. Frankie pulled up his mask just enough to spit on the ground, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

The mask fell back into place as he reached the entrance of the camp, giving a thumbs up in Danse's general direction. The Paladin was down the hill and standing before him within seconds.

"Great work up there," Frankie commended. He understood better than most the value in having a trained set of eyes looking out. "Good to know you've got my back."

Danse began removing the helmet of his power armor. Frankie felt a tug in his gut, firmly aware of the way his jaw hung open like an idiot upon watching him run a hand through that thick, dark hair of his. His mind began to wander as Danse's mouth moved, Frankie only barely hearing the words he spoke.

"Same to you, soldier. It's been a while since I've seen potential like that."

Danse sounded genuine about it, too. For half a second, Frankie found himself delusional enough to believe that perhaps he was flirting. With a subordinate, no less.

Just keep it casual, for once in your goddamn life. No sudden advances.

"I told you I had military experience," Frankie replied jokingly, testing the waters. "Did you think I was lyin'?" he asked, leaning himself against one of the rotting wooden fences, paying no mind to the super mutant blood that now called it home.

"No. However, your secrecy leaves you with a lot to prove."

There it is. Damn… Audacious prick.

"Is that so?" Frankie drawled, huffing a little through his nose. "Remind me to tell Elder Maxson that he should give you a promotion."

Danse raised an eyebrow. Of course it was the one with the scar through it. Frankie felt heat traveling up his neck, choking him.

He wanted nothing more than to grab him by those stupid handles of his power armor, pull him down to his level, and-

"Why is that?" Danse asked curiously, cocking his head.

"Because I'll be the best damn thing that's happened to the Brotherhood yet," Frankie answered without missing a beat.

"That's a bold claim. I admire your ambition."

Danse sounded amused, much to Frankie's dismay.

He kept bringing the conversation to the brink of what could constitute flirting. It was maddening, especially as Frankie's body continued to relax, muscles melting under his skin as the adrenaline faded away.

"Bold? I've earned my ego, pal."

Frankie pushed off the fence and had to look away from Danse, growing increasingly concerned that his impulses might cause him to do something idiotic. Like give him a right hook. Or kiss him. Maybe both.

"Maybe one day you'll get it through that thick skull of yours..." Frankie continued bitterly, "I'm not your average wastelander."

He turned on his heel and stalked away into the camp to loot it for all it was worth. A good enough distraction as any, he figured.

The backhanded compliments, the unsolicited commentary on his attire, and the fact that Danse was the most delicious thing he'd laid his eyes on… Frankie knew he was in for a hell of a time working with the Brotherhood of Steel.

Despite all his tense irritation, there was the undeniable feeling of 'home' that came with working with Danse.

It was all so familiar, comforting in a sentimental way. And Frankie was a sentimental bastard, if there ever was one.

Yeah, nothin's changed a lick.

[whumpflash]

Acacia Aneura: 1027

for Angstpril, Day 10: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (alt)

cw: noncon drugging, slavery, dehumanization, violence, adult language, brief emeto mention

previous ///// masterlist ///// next

×××

1027.

Sonora left him alone to register for the auction, and had come back with a little tin placard strung on a short length of rope. Draped it around his neck, over the collar.

1027. That was him now, a fucking number. He wanted to run, the second she'd left him unattended. He wanted to, he could've, he didn't. His best chance at freedom stolen by the fucking drug.

The auction wasn't set to start for a good while yet, but that didn't mean Judd got a moment's peace. Some bullshit informal part came first; strangers stopping to look him over, Sonora chatting them up, telling them all he could be good for, how versatile he could be for a buyer's needs. A blank slate, moldable with just a little training.

He wanted to throw up. But he remained motionless on his knees, let the conversation buzz and roll past him.

He didn't even lift his head when the pair of boots stopped a foot in front of him.

Not the first time it'd happened. Hands had reached for him a few times, checking his teeth, his eyes; testing the muscle in his arms, legs, torso.

Bite them, his mind screamed each time. Hit, kick, curse, at least try to push them away, for fuck's sake.

All pointless commands, when he was at least a week deep in Compliance.

This particular stranger didn't reach for him though, instead tapping their foot on the ground, as if trying to get Judd's attention.

"Bully."

Recognition pierced through the haze like a needle, tugging a thread of clarity after it. Barely anything, but he held on all he could, head lifting to meet the eyes of the man who'd started this chain reaction of misfortunes.

Skye.

The older man's hat was pulled low, a dust mask pulled up to cover his nose and mouth, but Judd didn't think he'd ever be able to forget his voice. His eyes.

"You—" he began, his voice barely able to hold a whisper.

"Sh." Skye looked over his shoulder. Sonora was engrossed in a conversation with a trio of potential customers, and no one else was even glancing their way.

"Not here to buy you, if that's what you're wondering," Skye said.

He wasn't. Judd was wondering if he was here to profit, if the wine crate had been a trap, a step towards taking him captive. Because if he hadn't fallen for it, someone else would've. If he'd just left the kid alone, he wouldn't have to be here, he could be back at his camp, he could be free.

In that one moment, Judd was grateful for the numbness the Compliance granted. The last thing he wanted was to cry in front of an enemy.

Skye knelt in front of him. "Never meant for this to happen, y'know. I'm gonna help you, but you gotta work with me, okay?"

Help him? Whether intentional or not, he'd caused this mess, and now he wanted to help him? Any other day, Judd would've told him to fuck off. Spit in his face. But right now, he only nodded silently.

"Good. Once someone picks you out, once they start taking you away, that's when I'll act, alright? Wanted you to know ahead. Give you a fighting chance. I can see the drug in you."

And then he was gone.

×××

"You're up, 1027." Sonora unhooked his chain, led him up the narrow steps of the stage.

By some miracle, or maybe due to his own silence, the slaver hadn't seen fit to dose him again before his trip to the stage. The fuzziness that formed a barrier between his consciousness and the world was gradually receding, but Judd was determined not to let it show. He wouldn't throw away what could be his last chance, no matter who it was that had handed it to him.

The auctioneer's voice droned on and on as Sonora pulled him in front of the gathered crowd, pointing out how strong he looked, how pretty he was, rattling off all his potential uses, calling out a starting bid.

From there, it went fast. Buyers clamoring to claim him, to outbid one another as Sonora's grin grew and grew. Judd didn't let any of the words reach him. It didn't have to be his life. He had a chance, he just had to avoid fucking it up.

He barely noticed when the bids were done, when his chain was passed to a man dressed in clothes that were a little too new to be belonging to a local.

City dweller. If he failed to escape now, he'd be taken further than he'd ever been, surrounded by people who thought Wastelanders were no better than animals.

Judd wanted to look for Skye, as the man led him back through the market, but he forced himself to keep his head down. If it came to it, if Skye was nowhere to be found, he'd act alone. 

Not that he'd get very far with the ankle cuffs on…

He scanned the path ahead, angling his course slightly when he saw a jagged stump protruding from the dirt on one side.

Fucking acacia.

Judd stepped so the plant would catch his chains, not even trying to soften his fall when it tripped him. He nearly took the city man down with him as he fell.

As the man cursed, looking back to see what had happened, Judd only knelt with his head bowed, as if demurely waiting for permission to stand back up.

"Dammit… Let me get rid of that. Stay."

Like he's talking to a fucking dog. But Judd stayed, hiding a smile as the man unclasped the shackles.

"Up," he said. "Let's be going."

Judd obeyed, keeping his eyes downcast in case the man glanced back. He couldn't try anything yet. Not until they made it out of the market, away from the crowds.

Once they reached the edge, Judd found he could pick out the man's transport a mile away. One of the fancy models he'd only ever heard about; a silvery, enclosed pod to keep out the sun and wind. Under different circumstances, he'd be excited to even see one. Right now, he'd do everything in his power to avoid setting foot onboard.

He was watching the city man's movements, trying to gauge when would be the best time to try and run, when a dark mass lunged forward, knocking Judd's buyer to the ground.

Skye.

"Run, bully, run!"

And run Judd did, seizing the chain around his neck and yanking it from the city man's grasp, even as his buyer began to scream for reinforcements.

He was running, but where was he running? Into the wastes? Barefoot, barely clothed, with no water, no way to protect himself?

A sharp whistle drew his attention and he saw Skye to his right, sprinting alongside him.

"Follow me! Got a speeder."

Thank fuck. Judd could hear shouts behind them. They had a head start, but once the slavers and shoppers reached their own transports, they could still be overrun. He had to trust that Skye had accounted for that. He had no other option.

The older man had surged ahead, making a beeline for a landspeeder parked in the distance.

Four hundred meters away. Less.

Judd put on a burst of speed, eager to get ahead of his pursuers, to put the last few weeks behind him—

—and was stopped short, a force on his collar suddenly cutting off his air, yanking him off his feet.

The pressure didn't let up right away, and Judd clawed at his throat, momentarily confused at his change in orientation. Why was he staring up at the sky? Why wasn't he running?

Then all of a sudden he could breathe again, and the city man was standing over him, blood leaking from a cut on his lip.

"Wasteland bastard," he panted. "I'm gonna make you real sorry for that—"

Skye reappeared in a flash, but this time the man was ready, sidestepping his attack. Judd pushed through the pain in his throat, aimed a kick at the man's legs, but even as he went down he knew it was too late.

The rest of the market was coming crashing down on them.

As Judd thrashed on the ground, sending wild kicks and punches in any direction, as hands seized hold of him, pinned him to the ground, secured his wrists— he found Skye's eyes, shooting him a pleading look.

For what, even Judd wasn't sure. To help him? To run away and save himself? Because Skye had at least tried. He'd tried to help, and even if it was his fault, that counted for something. He deserved to get away.

But he didn't. Didn't even fucking try. He stayed, trying to beat the slavers back, trying to get Judd back to his feet. He stayed, and he fought, until he was bleeding and breathless on the ground beside Judd, held in place by three men.

"I apologize sir, I didn't realize it'd be so much trouble." Sonora's voice, somewhere above him.

The city man huffed. "I'm sure I'll come to enjoy the challenge," he said, though he didn't sound happy.

"What should we do with the other one?" another slaver piped up. "The one who attacked you. Should we kill him?"

"No," said the man. "No, don't bother."

Judd could hear the smile in his voice, slick and unpleasant, as he continued.

"I think I'll take him with me."

@kira-the-whump-enthusiast @kixngiggles

×××

[practically-an-x-man]

I'm back with more asks :3

Your characters are asked to teach one full semester of a course at a university/college for a substantial amount of money. It can be on any topic of their choosing, but they need to be able to fill the entire semester with material in order to get paid. What topics do they choose? Who has a subject ready to go? Who makes up something on the spot just for the paycheque?

Oooooh very good question!! Thank you!

Rae: Since she already teaches languages for the X-Mansion sometimes, she sets up a language course at this university too.

Robin: Vocal performance, history of music, something like that

Madison: Struggles for a while - she never went to college, technically she never even finished high school - but eventually manages to set up a course on identifying the native plants and animals in the area.

Ophelia: Would actually have a lot of fun with it: she'd end up teaching Intro to Engineering to undergrads, and her students would love her for how passionate she is about the craft and how she's willing to take more of a "no-rules" approach to it (y'know she's got the textbook but she also tells stories about how she's built things with techniques that technically shouldn't be done)

Jasper: Honestly... they're swamped. They don't have time to come up with a full lesson plan. They end up digging out one of their old college notebooks from whatever class they least hated, and reverse-engineering that class to teach.

Kestrel: Actually gets really involved in planning this lesson on zoology and wildlife science, it's really their passion... and then gets fired from teaching for bringing in a live owl one day without warning the university about it. (the owl was Kestrel, there was no danger, but obviously they couldn't explain that they're a shapeshifter)

Katherine: Hm... I feel like she'd end up turning it into more of a studio space - just enough of a lesson plan to still qualify as a class, but that in practicality acts more as a space for students to recharge and express a little creativity. She tosses in a few fun stories about her passions, art and ancient history and what have you, but the tests are all super easy and the grades are really just technicalities

Quinn: Turns it into a game - how much total bullshit can she make up on the spot and get away with? She actually spends more effort on her fake lesson plan than most teachers do on her real lesson plan, just to make things completely airtight. She makes it through the semester and even cashes in that nice check before the university is like "wait what the fuck"

Eris: You might guess that they wouldn't even show up - why do they need money? But actually, I think they'd have an absolute ball teaching history from their perspective. The first few classes would be a bit of a drag, but by the end of the semester they're bringing in their old weapons as demonstrations, they're holding reenactments out in the courtyard, they're teaching the students swears in dead languages... they end up being most students' favorite professor, just because they don't give a shit about anything except having fun

(Now I'm imagining Rick popping in some days to bring them coffee or whatever, and Eris is... Eris, y'know, about the most affectionate they'll ever get, and the students end up developing a whole running narrative about who this Rick guy is that's so close to their immortal war-obsessed professor here)

Nikoletta: She's running on a high school education and fifteen years of federal imprisonment, but she really needs that paycheck. She ends up giving a lesson on metahumans, at first sticking to standard lessons about Superman and the Flash and the others everyone knows about, but eventually manages to corral her buddies from the Suicide Squad into giving demonstrations. She even demonstrates her own power (though she's careful to save that for the end of the semester, just so none of her students panic)

[satancopilotsmytardis]

WHAT JS THIS HAAAAA YOU CANT LEAVE US ON A CLIFFHANGER LIKE THIS TANCOOOOO THIS JS CRIMINAL!!!! I want to know I want the knowledge what is happening,,, they've been lied too!! Treason! Treason to the peoples!!!

Also since I know afo has always been the *real* bad guy in your story I can't wait to see what happens with him!!! Are you gonna make him a grey character (I have bad vibe from him, I'm watching him 👁️👁️) or Is Tomura going to have an existential crisis when he realized that his father ain't that great???? Hooooo so much question!!! I'm excited hihiiiii (like ik afo is a manipulative pos but is he a grey manipulative pos or is he just an evil asshole y'know?)

I really hope we see more of natsuo and shoto! I wanna see dabi reconcile with his lil baby bro :D

And Eriiiiii noooo whyyyyy baby your gonna be taken care of now papa Tomura is there for you!

I love how everyone interact together! They're such a loving family I can't!!! Toga is so cute and jin giving his leg for her that is so fucking wholesome!! Love my little psycho fr! And spinner is so cool!! Him being best friend with Tomura really shows in this! He doesn't take tomuras bullshit haha XD they're such besties my heart can't take it ᡣ𐭩 Sako is gold and the way you transformed his power is so cool too! I'd imagine it's not super practical to have a million thick stone tablet or smth instead of thin paper XD also magne omg she don't just have big sis energy she IS big sis!! How she comforted dabi and was like here take my snot XDD amazing!

Ho and the way you describe the environment!! I feel like this is the first fic (I only read all your bnha fic so I'm just talking about them) where you really went into it in the world building since we're not in the bnha world and omg this is so good! I could see everything and it was very pretty haha! You make me want to break out my drawing stylus but shipwreck are Nott he easiest to draw, would you belive it (╥﹏╥)

Chisaki sure got what was coming to him eh? Each time you described him with his smug face I was so angry omg but I'm so happy he was a good fight for Tomura tho would have been sad if he was just obliterated and that was it! Happy he's gone tho (really hope he is) and that Eri is safe! :)

Also the way you described that siren that passed the test (fucking epic, no idea what was happening but I'm loving it, singing while stabby stab? Perfect) made me think of midoriya fr but then I thought wasn't he with shoto in hollow barrier? I'm not sure anymore, do you have plans of what to do with midoriya? 👀

Them eating chocolates is gold! Did I say I love toga? Cause I love toga!

Dabi discovering how things are in graveforge is so cool yet saddening man his life really fucking sucked before (I feel like it's about to suck even more but at least it's not a boring type of suck y'know? XD)

Just leaving that there but dabi throwing up his stomach his a mood fr

I'm disabled personally and I really like how you tackled disability and ableism so far. Dabi compensating with his leg is really cool and the fact that he has to hide it or he'll be judge by his hollow barrier pair I'd verry nice (plot storywise I mean XD) as a disabled person I do feel like a fucking burden everywhere I go and with how dabi was 'sheltered' (if you can say that) he would be very easily manipulated by afo telling him he needs to contribute to the reef and all that. Kind of in contradiction of what Tomura said about no one being broken hmmmmm 👀 (watching you afo 👁️👁️) while I agree that doing nothing all day and being a trophy husband/mate can be boring, dabi just got here, is still learning the language and he's disabled! Like give him a break afo! Dabi can find his own calling without being pushed pass his limit to 'prove himself' 🙄 (sorry that one was personal 😅)

Also omg poor toga I CANNOT believe shig told her everything he wanted to say to dabi this one must have been hell! Pfffff the little awkwardness when dabi and her hugged after sksksksk

It's dabi who healed Tomura!! Im sure!! He ate flesh and boom! Magic power!! How tho, not sure XD can't wait to see what you do with his magic cause he can't really throw fire underwater now can he? Imagine he goes on land one day and just, burn the island sksksk 'oops' ˚▱˚

Also illegal that you made afo walk in on them sksksksksks horrible! But you write so wonderfully! Sometimes I read a synopsis of a story and I'm like 'no, I know I won't like this, too much second hand embarrassment' but it never happens with how you write! There were some story idea of yours that I wasn't sure I would like but everytime you blew me away! You have such a way of writing that it makes everything believeble and the story always flow so wonderfully! Also can't believe that cannibalism followed by sex was there and it was hot goodamit! Shouldn't be surprised tho, like I said you write everything so well (lost faith in myself after that zombie dabi piece you wrote. After that I was like okay keept it going ig no more fuck need to be given at this point XD)

No wait- what happening to Tomura?? What wrong tell me whATS WRONG YOU CAN NJST DO THAAAAT ༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

Gosh sorry this is all out of order but that's how my brain is and excitement doesn't help (⁠•⁠ ⁠▽⁠ ⁠•⁠;) also sorry for the mistakes English ain't my first language and you can sprinkle a bit of dyslexia on top of that smh

Jail to endeavor for lying and eating his people while starving everyone else and jail to you for this horrible cliffhanger <3

Okay I'm going to sleep now. If I dream about gay fish it's on you

I'm cackling, thank you so much! This chapter was a huge one and I'm so glad that so many of the different elements stuck out to you! I can't say much about what's happening moving forward but I can say that the new siren is absolutely not Midoriya! And the beauty of writing a whole AU means that I can ignore the original main character lol, so he will likely barely be mentioned going forward

I can't wait to start unraveling all of the things to come and I hope you continue to enjoy the ride!

[suofang]

To my dearest (Thorfinn & OC)

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Am I a annoying to you? I know we are very different between us, that bothers you? I want to know.

I never wanted to think about this too much because I feel guilty about it, and being so close to you makes it even harder for me.

Why do you, our saint God, test me like this? Didn't were you who said that the man who lays with another man will burn in Hell because of his sins?

If my body will die and rot... If my soul will burn in the eternal flames... I'll just ask for him to be my punisher, because I can't live knowing that I can harm him like this. Please, get your revenge from me.

Kill me, rip apart my guts and bones and destroy this painful need of be next to you, because I'm not the one who deserves your love, and I'll never be.

How can you be this rough and this beautiful at the same time? You curse a lot, you're easily irritated, you don't give a fuck about anything and anyone, and yet, I can't stop thinking that you have strings made with gold as hair, heh, when you allows me to caress it I don't care if your hair is tangled or not clean enough, to me, it's the silkiest hair someone can have.

And what about your eyes? Those warm brown irises that reminds me of a morning of autumn when the sun hits perfectly against the wooden floor and table of a lonely house. You are an empty house and I want to live there, fill those walls and rooms with decorations and furniture. You know how much I love those things, so as I love them I want to give them to you.

You don't know how good it hurts when I touch your skin, whatever it is your hands or your sweet cheeks. Those briefly moments when I can feel you and I know you're real drowns my heart in honey, a poisoned honey that kills me with each beat of my heart. It's interesting the contrast between your hands and cheeks because, your hands are scarred and hardened of uncountable battles for the chance of a revenge but your cheeks... Your face is so soft, I want to hold it the rest of my life. Your tender skin tempts me to sin, to steal a kiss from you and die in sweet sin, maybe even in your hate...

There are so many things I want to write down on this letter for you that you will never know, mostly because you can't read or write, not even in your own language, so that helps me to express all of my feelings for you in a place you won't suspect about. But if you, some day, learn how to read my feelings, please, don't judge me, I don't know why am I like this and I hate it.

Why do I had to fall in love with you?

Not because of you but because of my condition.

Why did I had to born as a man when my heart is the heart of a lady?

Maybe the angels confused my heart with the heart of someone else when I was in my mother's belly...

Will you hate me? I know I'm giving you my friendship right now even if I want your love, that's not good, a good person won't fall in love with a friend, specially when we're both men.

If you will hate me and you will want to kill me because of that, be fast as always, cut my throat and leave me bleed, but if you want to torture me, open my chest with your daggers and rip my heart from my tórax, I'll give it to you to do whatever you want with it.

But remember, no matter what I will always be here behind you to support you, to hold your back if you're going to fall, and if you find a pretty girl who wants to love you as much as you deserve I'll torn apart, because your happiness is more important than mine. I'm happy if you are happy.

–What are you doing?– There he was, the golden boy who leaves me without breath.

–I'm just writing.

My usual smile comes to my face again as I try to hide all the vivid flowers of my impossible sin.

–Leave that, we're leaving this place.

–Askeladd found someone fool enough to scam?

–Not this time as I heard, I think we're going to a war with England, something about the Danish crown and some bullshit like that...

–The Danish crown?... I don't think we could gain much with this...

To my mind comes all the information I know about recent events that involved Denmark and England as I slowly uncover my letter and fold it as if it wasn't that important.

–Where are we going?

–London. Get ready, we leave when the sun sets.

And he go away again. There will be any time where I can stay more time with him without care about the wars and crowns of the world?

I sigh and look at my letter again, I fold it and save it in my bag. As far as we stay here I can't relive in my feelings even if I want, I have to stay still and be ready for the battle even if I'm just a shoemaker.

I wish I could take you with me, runaway to your dreamed Vinland and marry you to live a peaceful life. You don't deserve this hell.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•

I'M HERE AGAIN TO MAKE THIS BOY FEEL AS MUCH PAIN AS POSSIBLE

I don't know why I do this to him but I want to see all of those little moments of Thorfinn being a normal person, you know, such as him cooking, sewing, hunting, taking a walk, jUST HIM BEING A NORMAL PERSON.

And those scenarios will be feat. ma boy Siegfried who is my way to express all the love and appreciation I feel towards this blond who probably have rabies, plus my love for drama because

✨I'm a drama queen✨

[pinkrangerv]

nobody called u a lolcow lmao u just throwing words in her mouth... get over urself like your whole argument is that having sex oustide is illegal because its somehow protecting us foolish citizens from getting instant gonnorhea from our butt cheeks brushing a mossy picnic table in the forest. like i dont even fuck outside ur response was just so condescending and obnoxious i had 2 say something. u realize the germ theory of medicine is way more recent than anti-sodomy laws yeah? i wonder why that is, i wonder if theres some societal predjudice that couldve informed that phenomenon hmm

like for real whos more likely to get arrested for fucking in their private campsite outside the tent, cis or trans people? queer or straight ppl? like why do u need 2 double down so hard take u goddamn lithium or smth

Oh hi! I see you're on anon now, transamus!

So if you look real close at my post, you'll notice I started with "The sex registry is bullshit" and ended with "since you get a say in making laws, what do you think should exist instead?".

I got ten experts in the English language to cut open entrails and divine the esoteric meaning of that. It means I don't actually support criminalizing sex outside. Weird, I know. No one could've ever figured this out.

Seriously, though, your original post actually had a lot of good thought in it. I'm not sure I agree on all of it, but you were citing some serious, heavy-duty social and legal theory there, alongside historic notes and logical testing of real-world situations.

What the hell happened? I posted something--which was meant to continue the discussion--and you didn't even double-check what you read, you just threw a tantrum. You claimed laws are only to punish, and the rest of your posts until now were just screaming "SHAME! SHAME!" at me (and let's note: this is paraphrasing, which...why are you confused by normal human figures of speech?). Shame for what? I should feel bad because you're mad at me?

You went from competence to toddler in ten seconds. You aren't even using basic punctuation or spelling right now. Want to clue me in on what's going on?

[sincelastsession]

The person that used to be my best friend and completely betrayed me and 2 other people one of which is dead now took 2 of my other friends on a pre-wedding vacation to Mexico and I'm having to see it on my social media and it makes me really upset.

Also I have just seen that 1 of my friends who already has 6 kids is pregnant again and I'm happy for her

And I see everybody's talking about all these good wonderful things that they're doing and it just makes me feel like shit I feel like shit when I see that other people are having normal lives and lives that are more fulfilling looking than mine and I know that that is some bullshit to think that way but it really does suck sometimes

I've also had to call the courtesy officer twice today about noise complaints from apartment 60 and I'm very fucking sick of them I'm going to start acting absolutely bad shit insane because I don't know what else to do to make these people fucking stop being so rude and loud and they're not the kind of people that you can just politely ask because they are ignorant and rude and combative in their language towards one another and I'm not going to even try

But I might do some witchcraft out on the balcony and be really weird and spooky because I'm just done being polite and quiet and nice

I'm finally eating no need to worry about that

I have to make myself go to bed soon so I can get up very early in the morning and try to enjoy myself at the farmer's market because I do need to get some groceries and I'm hoping that that might possibly be a little bit cheaper

I have read over my other entries and I am disturbed that I am talking in different tenses and I'm not sure if that is me or some other part of me and I would really like to do that testing whenever you get the time and I have the time

Not that I want that as a diagnosis anywhere but I want to know what's just going on with me I don't know if it's just purely from stress and this PTSD flair or what but it's bothering me

I'm also pretty fucking irritated that I can't get my files from my old therapist that did EMDR with me and I don't know what place I need to call in order to get A Copy of those files because I want them for myself even if you aren't going to use them

I have always felt behind everybody else and I've always felt held back by my family and I try to move forward and it doesn't feel like I'm allowed to and I feel guilt and shame and all these bad feelings for everything I do no matter what it is even if it's a good thing

I can't even count the amount of times I've done a good thing and didn't been yelled at about it it doesn't matter if it was like the most wonderful thing in the world or just a simple good thing I've gotten in trouble for that

I'm trying right now to get the cat that's getting attacked by the other 2 cats out of my dad's house and over here with me and to see if he is compatible with my 2 therapy cats and if he's not then I will just go to the pound and ask if I can foster him until I can find an adequate home for him.

It's really sad because he's a very beautiful sweet 11-year-old cat and I would love to just keep him and love on him and I don't know if I can

But he needs to be removed from the house over there it is no longer safe for him and he is the cat that is primarily pissing and shitting on the carpet because the other 2 cats bully him away from the litter boxes which is insane to me and my dad has not gotten him or the other cat's advocate litter boxes and kept them clean enough

So once again here I am stepping in to take care of something that somebody else can't do this cat is supposed to be my sister but she can't even take care of herself I don't even know how she's engaged when she can't even take care of yourself I know that I should be focusing on taking care of myself but I am actually pretty fucking worried about her and I can't even talk to her because she hasn't apologized to me nor has she reached out or anything she's just doing whatever she wants being a dumb 20 two-year-old and it just bothers me that I used to get screamed at and controlled and threatened And all this other shit used to happen to me at that age and she can just get away with whatever

And I don't understand that

I really do feel that the stress of everything going on in my life is eventually going to kill me instead of old age

I really would like to get it together and meet somebody and settle down and have a nice peaceful quiet life where no one ever hurts me or abuses me ever again and I'm financially stable

I would rather be rich as fuck and bored out of my mind then deal with anything I'm dealing with right now

And I know people like that and it drives me insane because it's like oh would you like to trade

And I know that other people have a hard time and I'm not trying to say that I have the worst time in the whole wide world but holy shit I do have a very hard time

I know that I'm very lucky to have a place to live and food to eat and other things in my life

But what's important to me is being understood and loved and cared about and cared for and it never feels like that and it never has not even when I was little

It always felt like okay well they are being nice to me and they care about me and then something bad would happen and I would get yelled at and it would be all my fault

So I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop I don't actually trust that anybody is actually going to help me because they always leave or give up

And it's not for lack of trying to help myself because I've been doing that for so long that I don't even know what I'm doing anymore

There is no manual about how to fit in with society and I don't feel like I should have to try to fit in but if I don't then I get treated badly

I wish I could move I wish I could leave and Go live in the woods somewhere where I don't have to really go anywhere but the little market or something like that

Like just get a dog bring my cat and live in solitude would be fantastic if I had the financial stability to do so but I have too many health problems and other things going on in my life where I can't run away and do that I would have to leave the solitude in the quiet and the peace

I mean I have tried to figure out how to solve everything since before I started therapy

I don't want to be on SSI never asked to be My parents could have gotten Cobra insurance and I could have continued to try to do my own business but my father at that time was trying to control every single thing that I did and My mother was too. I had a fucked up back at that point in my life and I was going through flare-ups of my auto immune disorders and my parents just pushed me into being in the welfare system and now I am trapped here relying on them for extra help because there's a broken system in the world.

I wish that I could have continued to try to make a legitimate business and do what I want to do back then instead of worrying to death about getting caught trying to do what I want to do under the table to make extra money

Because if I stop with SSII have 0 safety net to help me If I fuck up with whatever business I want to try

And trying to work with SS job office is a circle of hell Because none of the things that they have available are thingstead I would be happy and comfortableDoing.

And I don't want to be misunderstood like I'm giving excuses or red herrings or whatever the case.

I am speaking in the way that I am giving actual reasons not excuses for any of my behavior.

Because if I've done something bad and I've recognized it and I couldn't process it then I will hold myself accountable for that and work on it

And other people don't do that

I'm learning more and more that other people just don't care

And it's really disheartening and it hurts and I don't know where I fit in

Like Travis is a good friend my partner is generally a good partner

I'm kind of upset that my partner wants me to find another partner Here and I'm kind of upset that my ex has 0 interest in me other than friendship since he has gotten Sober and that makes me sad given our history

And I don't really have anybody else I mean my ex doesn't even always reply or answer the phone when I call him to talk to him when he told me that I was his female best friend which was probably a load of drunken bullshit

And then Travis only has a limited amount of time to spend time with me and or listen to me or help me and I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him

And I make friends and I add them on Facebook but none of them ever really talked to me and I desperately need more friends but most people just use me

They use me and they treat me like a big dumb idiot

And I don't know if they're just taking advantage of me because I come off a certain way I really don't understand that

I do Miss A lot of social cues and I've been this way my entire life and it feels like everybody is just now noticing and there's no manual or way to figure out what it is that I need to know in that moment

I mean my father doesn't believe that any of my mental health issues are real I've already mentioned that and it bothers me

He uses that as part of a way to break me down

I mean he abused my mother so badly that She definitely has ptsd

And she was angry at me for the longest time because I watched him hurt her and I stood there frozen and I didn't know what to do because she kept screaming at me to call the police but I couldn't move I was just standing there and I couldn't move

And my father used to go get cigarettes or go drive around in his car and smoke cigarettes but I didn't know that I was just told that he was leaving and never coming back because of my bitch stupid fucking mother etc

And I would cry and scream and plead for him not to leave and I would stay awake until he came back home and once or twice he would leave for longer than just a couple hours sometimes he would leave for weeks

So it's safe to say that I have some pretty weird little abandonment issues from that

And when nobody believed that I was hurting really bad and my dad would help me put my socks and shoes on in the morning because I was having trouble and he thought I was being lazy and I would scream because it hurt really bad when he would touch my shins to put the socks on he would just slap my legs

If he got tired of pushing me in my wheelchair because I was too weak to do it myself he would just leave me sitting there and tell me I was lazy

And I would sit there and cry and my mom would be like tell me what the fuck is wrong with you and have to come get me if she was around

Or I would have to struggle really hard to get my wheelchair out of the grass or off the sidewalk or out of the middle of the carpet

And I don't know if you've read about juvenile dermatomire cities but it is a really rare condition and it is very aggressive and it is very painful Because your immune system is eating your muscles it's inflaming your blood vessels your fasha hurts your whole body hurts your joints hurt you become Unable to swallow correctly your heart gets weak it will kill you without treatment and it almost killed me and I'm pretty sure at 1 point I had a near death experience but it's not recorded

My parents used to fight with one another about who would stay with me at the hospital in front of me or they would just fight with 1 another in front of me at the hospital and I couldn't speak or do anything to make them stop

And my parents think that they deserve trophies for doing what any normal parent would do if their child was that sick

They took me to the Doctor and made sure I went to the hospital and made sure I got the correct care and took me to physical therapy of all kinds and tried everything they could that they were able to do just like any other parent and they think that they went above and beyond doing that

And that makes me so mad because they have no idea how badly I was suffering then and how badly I'm suffering from other autumn you and disorder troubles now

And now I am having to hear all about their medical problems and how much they hurt and how much trouble they're having and when I was young and hurting and asking for help I was ignored until I was almost dead

And they will tell you all sorts of stories about how that is bullshit

But I remember

I was there it was my body I remember all of how it felt just like it happened yesterday

I get flashbacks about all of it

And when I say flashbacks I'm talking like there's a movie playing in my head in my mind's eye while other things are going on in my life and I have to navigate through life while that is going on

And also my frustration about not being able to take adiral partially is because the Adderall tends to make that and all the mind chatter just stop And then in conjunction with the anxiety medicine it makes me feel like a normal person and I'm calm and I can do things and it's great

But now that I used medical marijuana for pain issues because I was not able to get up and down the stairs otherwise because my doctors were not giving me adequate pain treatment I can no longer be on the medicine that made me mentally function well

And it's very clear that I have a dopamine deficiency since I have been off of the adderall which I was not on very long and the dosage is very small that I was taking even though I was prescribed much more

And I wish that my old psychiatrist had not passed away because he was a very brilliant man and he knew what he was doing and he had me fixed and I was doing great

And now I feel like a useless piece of shit who can't do anything right and I feel like I am never going to do anything with my life or get anywhere with my life and I feel like all the insults and everything everybody has ever told me is correct

And I would love to have a Phoenix moment and disappear and then rise from the ashes and prove everyone wrong

But that shit Only happens in movies

I am so embarrassed about everything

The amount of shame and guilt and embarrassment etc things along the same vein that I carry around with me for just existing is ridiculousThe amount of shame and guilt and embarrassment etc things along the same vein that I carry around with me for just existing is ridiculous

My partner you know I have known them for going on 8 years now and they know me as much as they possibly can and they have seen the text messages and heard things and they truly think that I am just surrounded by crazy awful people and I agree with them

Like there words verbatim is maybe you would be doing better if you were not surrounded by fucking psychopaths

And it's like a dearest honey sweetie my love I don't know how to get away from the psychopaths quickly like everybody else could possibly do

And then he has problems of his own and you know he's in love with his other partner that he wishes he could marry and he loves me but I'm not the primary partner for him he's the primary partner for me and that is a big frustration with Paul amarie for me but I'm not strictly polyamorous and I understand and I don't hate him for his feelings and I don't feel jealous

I do get frustrated because it's like yes I would love to have a partner here I would love to not be judged and just loved on I would love to be understood and taken care of and to take care of someone else and to have a beautiful happy relationship

And I feel that I'm nowhere near that right now and I feel like I'm running out of time for that.

I'm not in a rush to have kids because I can't have any but I mean I feel like an old maid a complete fucking spinster and I don't want that life for myself.

I did not want to get married later on in life. But now I really don't have a choice because it's a bit late already.

And then the dating pool is just full of dudes that are abusive or have major psychological issues that are completely unresolved. Or alcoholic fuck boys that like to fuck 20-year-olds. And just fuck boys in general.

I just feel exhausted

It's all very exhausting it's all a lot to keep up with in my head and I wish I could unload a lot of it

I wish I could just unpack it and throw it away

It's great when a problem is resolved and the weight is off my shoulders but then I still feel the heaviness in the backpack and I know I need to remove more things because I'm still not going to get where I need to go with such a heavy weight on me

Sometimes I wish my parents had physically beaten me instead of screamed at me and done the psychological abuse torture along was hitting me I wish it would have just been physical

Because they started fucking with my head at such a young age

And if it had just been physical abuse then I would have gone to school at a young age and they would have seen the marks and they would have sent me to live with my grandparents were in foster care and I would be away from them

And you know they sent me to an expensive catholic school which made me feel profound guilt that I can never escape

And I would go to aftercare and my parents would completely forget to pick me up

They would always be fighting with one another about who needed to pick me up from school

1 day neither of them would answer the phone and I was left at aftercare with the one lady that decided to stay with me because you can't leave a little kid by themselves and she got mad and she asked if I knew how to get where I live from the school and I said yes and so I got in the car with her and she drove me home and dropped me off at my house and I don't know why that was never reported

But I remember her knocking on the door and my parents answering the door with me standing there being very confused because they thought I was just in my room playing being quiet and they thought that they had picked me up from school

So they laughed it off and were like oh I thought she had picked her up oh I thought he had picked her up she's just so quiet and she stays in her room all the time well yeah i stayed in my room all the time to avoid them fighting

And when we've tried to play family board games and stuff and my dad would start losing he would throw a tantrum and flip the board game or just walk away And quit

I mean there's so many instances of just abusive insane behavior and I remember all of it and it's just so much to remember but it's all there and it pops up new little things popup everyday that were just so fucking hurtful and traumatic for me

You know I wasn't planning to do a lot of journaling tonight or today or tomorrow I had planned to have a chill rest of the week and allow you to catch up on everything I had posted

So I hope you're one hell of a speed reader

I mean right now I'm just sitting in my bed trying to make myself eat the rest of the food that I made myself and looking at the state of my apartment and I don't even have the energy to cry anymore I'm just looking at the physical manifestation of my mental illnesses and I can't even figure out how to organize any of this

And that's weird because I can do organization and help other people but when it comes to me I don't even know where to start

I always had trouble keeping my room tidy and clean and I always got screamed out about it

I mean there was really never anything I did right growing up

I was always made to like try and fit in with the other kids and do activities that they did and I never wanted to do any of that I just did it to make my parents happy because I thought that's what they wanted I didn't know how anything was supposed to work I was a kid

And the more I think about it the more I understand that I didn't get bullied for being handicapped I got bullied because I was probably autistic and I did not fit in with the other kids because my brain did not work like theirs

I mean if you think about it a lot of the kids that get bullied in school are the autistic kids

And you have to remember I was in first grade I think in 1991

And back then kids just buoyed the fuck out of each other and there were no policies like we have today

I mean until Columbine happened and other tragic things happened we did not have any anti believing things set in place and when we did when I was still in school nobody followed it, just found other ways to get around it

I mean I'm still trying to calm down from earlier I ate my food I need to take my medicine and go to bed and I want to have a good day tomorrow and go to the farmer's market and get the groceries I and have fun and I don't know if I will

Also I'm extremely tired of calling the courtesy officer and office about issues with the people in apartment 60 I don't know what to do anymore

I cannot wear noise blocking headphones all fucking day I keep getting headaches for wearing them for a few hours

In fact I wore them to the metal festival to keep my ears from getting destroyed and my head hurts so damn bad the next day I can't even explain

I used to have a garden I used to plant plants during the summer and go outside and water them and go downstairs and swim laps and doubt healthier and happier and now it's just hell.

Going up and down the stairs is terribly painful.

My parents whine about it when they visit. They only think about themselves and how they don't want to see me because of the stairs

But what the fuck. I have to go up and down them with a wrecked back degenerative disc disease, very screwed up SI joints, bad hips, bad knees, a fucking fractured knee that was ignored and now has healed back wrong.

I have hurt myself doing things that I've asked for help with for over 6 months with a "I don't want to talk about it, I'll get around to it" father.

I have gone above and beyond for every mothetfucker in my family when they have been sick hurting depressed etc.

It's like pulling teeth to get help from them

But my time doesn't matter because I don't have a job

It has to be on thier time.

You heard the audio about me having both parents over to help just get my laundry done which isn't hard to do. I just couldn't get down the stairs once I got up them from the injury and was a fall risk. It was maybe 2 loads of laundry. It was EASY to do. If I hadn't had a fucked up back I'd never had called for help.

I'm sure my dad told you he loves me. But you don't treat people you love the way he has treated me. Same with my mom.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel like I'm stuck in this loop where nothing changes but everyone's age.

People promise to change and never do.

I'm tired of being the one with the problems.

Why am I the one still in therapy?

Why am I basically shit on till I go?

Why don't they see their own therapists or go to anger management etc...

Why does it all fall on me?

I don't hate therapy. I just don't know what's left to learn.

I could go to school for it and have a degree but it's not what I want to do. I could probably teach honestly. I'd love to educate therapists on things that don't quite help certain cases. I do make suggestions and bitch yeah. I'm sure that's not something that you enjoy reading.

I think a mirror even a safety glass mirror in the room across from where you sit would be a great idea. Reason being is if you are seeing a patient that is reactivate to body and facial expressions then shouldn't you be aware of how you're coming across? Because I know that just in everyday life I personally don't understand when people get upset with me about those things...because I can't see how I'm acting.

Idk Joshua. I'm not trying to be an asshole and my intent is not to be rude or controlling

I need to go to bed.