4-17-18 for myself
The moose and the goose wandered around with nothing to do,
Until they drank at a lake and across was you know who.
They traveled together all the way to Timbuktu!
Sharing stores of past loves and laughs,
Not knowing why their life brought them to this path.
Miles and miles they walked as the days seemed to get longer,
But they just kept on going not letting that bother.
From time to time they would stop to rest,
Assure themselves they were doing their best.
When they got to this gully, they saw a bully.
And teamed together to stop him from hurting;
Brought him on their adventure,
And let him talk of what inside was turning.
At the end of their walk;
the moose and the goose realized why they had met,
To take the time to help someone else realize respect.
Respect for themselves and the beauty around them.
That bully for a moment took in his surroundings a bit
Only to realize no matter what his new friends looked like
He finally seemed to fit. 💜
When the lamb met the lion he asked
What there was to life after this
Nothing just be happy and be free
He replied
That story has already been written for thee
Take this life
Make those wishes
Raise those hopes
For when the day is done
And the sun starts to fade
Life is a game
And you my little lamb you are the arcade. 💙
4-18-18
The little bunny looked so funny playing with the duck
Rolling around on the ground having so much fun
With smiles in tacted and laughs in progress
They were so care free it sent chills down my spine
to be so pure and full of life
is to say be the least the best
not knowing what this world beholds
not knowing what the future holds
just knowing how it feels to see Mom smile
knowing how it feels to laugh with Dad a while
endless possibilities all at her fingertips
lessons and triumphs in her abyss
it is these fine little moments
I have no doubt as a mother
I will truly miss. 💜
I'm so happy I take photos
Capturing memories for fun
And at the end when all is said and done...
no matter how we felt in those prior moments and days
even when our minds felt like a circus of parades..
Sometimes the past we all wish to go back to. 💜
4.19.18
missing my family a bit more than I would like to admit. in life you have the family you are born into and the family you chose, at some point they mesh together as the pieces begin to fuse.
the more you pull away, the more they try to stay. to prove to you that you are worth the greatest things life has to offer even when things seem to dark to try and bother. there is a bond between those who share blood, those who share memories full of life and love.
tears, years, pains, gains and far from un heard screams. all I want for you is to find YOUR happiness and to fulfill YOUR dreams. I may take my space, I may sometimes hide. but it is only to protect myself, protect my pride. To hold onto what I have built to survive but please never for a moment think I don't hear your cries.
When you are growing up you are led to believe motherhood comes so easy - from breastfeeding to diaper changes and all the oddities in-between - it wasn't until I held you in my arms that I knew what kind of mother I was. I was your mother and that was as perfect as it will ever be. Everyone does things differently, everyone second guesses if they are doing things right. But for what reasons when in retrospect, it's only our actions and thoughts that bring that fright. yes other people and places may have painted things a different color but it is from inside your character, inside your being that shows you your true mother.
your true nurture by nature and all that is glory
4.20.18
consider yourself blessed to be able to touch feel smell taste & experience the outside world - some people never get the chance. trust me and all my scars that depression can be a serious life changing thing and sometimes getting out is harder it seems than breathing since that just kind of happens and thus we keep on living.
4.21.18
Some moments are harder than others
Some hard to grasp
As they vanish so fast
My how fast they flee
While emotions take a hold of thee
Are you supposed to have a button
Which just brings you to center
In moments of intense uninvited endeavor.
Tossing and turning
What is sleep anymore
All for this little bundle of joy
All for this little girl
All for this tiny human being
who has completely changed my world.
Oh how I cherish you.
Tales of a shattered heart
A misguided judgement of unspoken terror
not knowing where exactly this life took error.
The tales of a brand-new mother.
4.22.18 7am [bathtime]
Man I haven't scrubbed walls since 2007
By this day and age I thought I'd be in 'heaven'
not saying I'm not happy I am here
Just back then my mind was filled with such fear
Do any other moms just wake up and start to clean?
without a second thought about it
Eyes open like..
"Oh shit those clothes...they need folded"
As you float out of bed..
Talking to yourself over and over in your head
"But I just want to sit" "But I just want to not" "But can't someone else do it" "But I just want to cry" "But I just want to be" "But does anyone else feel like this or am I all aone"
My head filled with so much "but"
Yet sometimes I don't like the one I have to sit on.
Sometimes I wish things were much easier
Yet there is so much harm in that..
I wouldn't be the amazing person I am today
Had I not gone though all that crap.
All those things that made me stronger
All those things that made the nights seem longer
Made days never ending and life seemed like one big book.
Until I stepped back and took a hard look..
Went to rebab and back to find who I am
Yet..I'll always be wandering.
I'll always be wondering.
I'll always be t h i n k i n g
What if things were easier?
Constant battles in my head.
One fighting the other to leave things unsaid.
I miss having people.
I miss having friends
I pushed people away when I needed them the most.
I hit the panic button and my being went ghost.
Over the years I disappeared more and more.
Doing drugs to numb the core.
Til one day I woke up again..
Woke up wanting to feel,
Not wanting to suffer,
Just wanting to heal.
Take time i said.
It will be your longest journey
But at the end of all of it
Hopefully you'll figure out why you're hurting.
Come to terms with the past
As they lay where they do
Just keep turning the pages
In that book that is you.
4.23.18
Sometimes I just want to cut my wrists open
Just to see how much I bleed
It's like unless I feel the pain on my flesh
My mind will never find ease
I smoke away the pain
Day after day
But when all the demons manifest
When the next day comes to play
Open my eyes to a world full of options
And yet to no surprise -
All I want to do
Is lock myself in the bathroom
And take some time to myself
I need those few moments to recollect my health
I know I am a wonder woman
Full of so much strength
But when the darkness tries to take a hold
It's so hard to keep my eye on the gold
More distant and cold it feels
As the days turn into months
Not knowing when I can speak
Just knowing when to keep quiet
Knowing when the darkness comes
I can't do anything but hide it.
I wonder who I was before the harm
Before those moments that stole my charm
Took me away from reality and set my mind in a twirl
The someone I never got the pleasure of meeting
That undisturbed Elissa, that quiet little girl.
I wonder if why I starve myself
I think it's the only way to hide
to hide the hurt, the pain, I really feel inside.
When things get really bad
I need to physically feel pain
So I sit alone day after day
Not allowing food into my brain.
Because razors show blood and blood shows scars
But as my insides lay dying
And a smile on my face
Noone can tell that inside my soul
Is a sprit that needs ecscapes.
I write, and I just want to be heard.
They are truly beautiful writings.
Even if some are disturbed. 💙
4.24.18
So much distress
So much anxiety
When you walk through the door
And I don't know what to say to
I can't imagine a life without you
But I know I deserve the best
Is it that you truly don't want to be my one and only
Or are you too broken inside to try to figure out the pieces
I decided to have a family with you because you are my best friend
I thought you went out and realized it was me you wanted in the end
My mind just races with un happy thoughts
Reminiscing on the faces that we have seen in the past
Wondering why I was so broken I tried to distroy the one I loved
Why I ever did the things that scared your being so much
You question our love
You question if it's right or wrong
You question if you really mean to inflict harm
All I want is for you to find happiness
But in doing that allow me to be myself
Allow me to have friends and not question my intentions
But if you do have fears, call for interventions
I want to have this life with you
I want to continue making memories
But now with our daughter
Who needs the both of us
And if this isn't something you see for the longrun
Than I have to do what's best for her
I don't want you to pack your things one day when she is four
And all she knows is dad's gone, he went out the door
She seems him sometimes but mom seems sad
Never having the real answers of why things went so bad
I'll allow her to ask questions as I wish I could
To pry and to analyze
What happened to her.
When you came back into my life,
And the fire in my heart grew bigger again,
We decided to start a family.
But for some odd reason
That doesn't seem to be your winner
At least not anymore.
Is it because anytime you have tried to change
It's all lead to sadness?
Well guess what sweeite -
The world is full of that shit,
It's all maddness
But sometimes you stumble
Sometimes you find
Someone you become passionate about
And you suddenly become humble.
I just want to be that person you trust
The person you can talk to
When your whole world starts to crumble.
4.26.18
I feel like an unfit mother
Just going through the waves
All of the days turn to nights
With in between bits of rage.
Do I want a different life?
No, I just want things to change.
I want to have more opportunities for myself
More things to do with my daughter.
If you don't want to be part of this life
The one I thought we created together
I'll be okay, I know that to be certain
Doesn't mean it will be easy or won't be a burden.
I would have never done this
if I didn't want to work through things with you
But as time journeys forward it seems clear what to do.
It feels like you need to be alone,
Shit maybe we both do
To take the time to look inside
To see what's just a true
I won't keep her from you
I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone
I know what it was like to have one parent,
You do to - only opposites and look how great we turned out.
I will always question what it's like to have a mom
To have someone comb your hair for you and
Not just pop back into your life when I'm 13 and smoke a bong
And you'll always wonder what it was like to have a dad
Someone to go pick bugs with you out the grass
I never wished this upon my children but I understand
That when we are so close together
Things get tangled and it feels hard to breathe
Sometimes you just need a break but here we have no space
Even with all the miles and empty roads here in Hagerstown.
5.5.18
I love my birthday
It's like every year I have an excuse to grow up.
5.6.18
As the dust settles and we wind up back "home"
I can't help but feel distance
I can't help but feel alone
Like I am on this journey with two shadows
One whom can't speak
And one who can't seem to enjoy the things I keep.
TIRED. FEARFUL & ALONE
How is one supposed to call this place home?
Just back from such a lovely adventure
Made memories in which I'll forever treasure
Blessed beyond belief to experience this life
So compassionate about having our own child
In which to provide courage and protect
Not show weakness and disregard and disrespect
From someone who claims to love or even try and care
Yet when shit hits the fan and the mask of happiness is removed
You don't wish to see the tears I hide and the madness I keep inside
I know you don't know what it's like to have family
But I know what it's like to have someone who cares
I know what unconditional love feels like and I need that again.
I found it in my father. I thought I found it in you, friend.
In these bodies we will live
In these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love
You invest your life.
5.8.18
All these songs about drugs money women and sex
What about self love, good nutrition and self respect.
What about not second guessing your intuition.
What about making the best of every situation
and leading your own life instead of fallowing others limitations?
Instead of how to numb yourself on every radio station..
Why don't we teach our youth about hardships and self preservation?
I was always so back and forth about having children
Knowing this world we live in
One full of such fear and constant strife
I just know I don't want my kids to live the same life.
If there is anything I wish to teach my daughter,
It is how to love herself.
For friends, family, pets, flowers -
everything comes and goes and you only get one you.
So please if you can do one thing for yourself,
Forget what standards other people hold you to.
Take those moments for yourself.
Take that quiet time.
Take those little steps you must,
In order to feel prime.
All you have is 24 hours to do things differently.
To serve a different plate
And taste a different life
To do things to center yourself
To make sure you're alright.
For if in every 24 hours we could listen to ourselves
We could take out those memories and dust them off the shelf
We could make new memories and not stay so stuck in the past
We could make those memories self sufficient and kind
We could take those moments and change the ripple of time.
we all have our moments. that is what makes life worth living. If things were always beautiful, there would be no room for growth :)
5-21-18
I miss people. I miss human contact
Someone to listen to me and not zone me out
Someone to hang out with and talk about what life is about
I find myself waiting as soon as you leave
For you to return back home
But for what?
It's not like when you return I feel less alone.
Hours and hours spent waiting for the door to open
Only to have it happen and I feel even worse
I thought it was a blessing
Maybe it is a curse.
How does one make friends these days
When we are all hiding behind our phones
Day after day I just want people to talk to
So I don't feel so alone.
5-22-18
Little Leighra Nova
You are the light of my world
You are everything I ever dreamed a child would be
And I am beyond words blessed to be able to call you my daughter
You make me want to live everyday like the last but work harder
I love you endlessly and you are my ray of sunshine
Never for a moment doubt my love for you
For it's one I have never known
But inside me each and every second
My admiration for you has grown.
I love you to the ends of the Earth and back again
You are my favorite person in this universe,
And maybe the next.
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