#❪ ok so...heres that vent thingy i wrote! ❫

[riggedtraps]

Mandy Writes #1

trigger warning for: self harm, semi-graphic description, burning using a cigarette & a lighter, r slur, f slur, internalised homophobia & ableism, don't read this if you struggle with any of this i don't want anyone to be triggered

content warning: mandy smokes a cigarette then burns herself. third person pov (she/her). haven't edited this/re-read it.

The smoke curled around her lungs in an uncomfortably comfortable way, a mini tornado swirling in her chest as it wreaked havoc on her breathing. Ash weighed her down so much that, for a few moments, she believed she could sink right down through the Earth and burrow herself underground. Six feet, preferably.

She was scared. A long time ago, she'd done it before—but not with a cigarette. With a lighter.

She couldn't remember it, but she remembered that it must have been a warm sensation singing all her arm hairs off, and she remembered that it must have been good because she hadn't stopped for quite some time. It was curiousity that lured her in that time. Right now, she wanted the pain to quieten her mind.

Hands shaking, she held the cigarette beside her arm. It was terrifying but she wasn’t sure why. She'd burnt herself on hot glue before, then scraped it off—alongside a few layers of skin. That was easy. Fun, even. So why was this so hard?

She just had to take the leap.

It was a predictable yet delicious sting as she pressed the cigarette's ash to her arm. The shock of it caused her to jerk her hand back, the remainder of the ash hitting the dirt underneath her feet. Wiping off the muck from her arm, she could see a soft pink mark.

She wanted—needed—more.

Again, again. More, more. The pain soon receded and it was like a sort of experiment to her. How many burns could she resist? Too many. She would have gone farther, but the cigarette was burning close to her finger. Not brave enough to put it out on her pretty pink mark, she took a final, long drag, enjoying the lightheadedness that came with oxygen deprivation, and then stubbed the cig out under her chunky boots.

When she looked down again, there was no more pretty pink mark. Instead, there was an ugly, gutclenching blister filled with yellow pus.

Panic roared through her for a few moments. Her first burn and it was already infected. Was she stupid? Fucking retarded? She knew it was wrong to use that disgusting word on herself, but it was true. Fucking fag couldn't take a fucking fag, either.

Slowly, the worry subsided. It was done with now, there was nothing she could do. Telling someone was not an option. Seeing a doctor was not an option. She would have to see what'd happen, keep a close eye on the ugly mess she'd created.

She did it to herself.

[takeyourdailydoseofcyanide]

I must articulate this

they attempt to use the fact that I supposedly come from a long line of young, female schizophrenics against me but don’t they see the obvious common denominators there they are there for the purposes of the grander experiment done by the beings each of us who have been tormented by them were all young, female, grew up within/live with and in unfortunate circumstances. and labeled as either schizophrenic/schizoaffective or as having dementia nobody will believe you then even if you are those things and you were made in the lab to be as such then no one will believe you and not to mention that all of those can be used for the torture I know I’d be told she was dementia-ridden but she knew too that there were cameras and people/beings in the vents that’s the experimenters and likely the humans in the 0 world watching they are the non-curations are they not yes yes yes I wondered once if experimenters were generating dead and shadow people and such as a way to lead me to believe that they are all powerful beings and therefore make me look especially delusional and therefore never taken seriously but no the beings do the experimenting themselves anyway anyway ofc the curations are unaware and often malignant are real humans still existing and are the truly watching like this is the Truman show or something I thought they killed all the worlds that’s most likely but if they are doing experiment wouldn’t they wish to report their findings unless it’s sadistic experiment but no no they put you in the 0 and realest world first they are watching I wish they’d help it’s mean

ok ok ok stereotypical but true my supposed relatives (dead or alive) are my witnesses here we all get dismissed as having those circumstances and being nutty and shit and wait hahaha what if someone actually were to stalk and it wasn’t actually paranoia and you get shanked because no one believes the schizophrenic that would be unfortunate oh well oh well see everything is so fucking synchronous it’s perfection for them I wonder what’s their control group but coincides are none distended here it’s all purposeful all signals it’s all synchronous for a reason the common denominators are just perfect for their experiments keep hearing stuff outside the window every night also those cbd gummies (no thc don’t get mad) don’t do anything for the pain no more taking them they’re useless it seems it seems indeed random random ok ok so my only hope is to be wary though hand into to fellow test subjects I wonder if the relatives were not human too all lab grown and shit but wouldn’t we all be beings yes that’s part of the experiment too I’m perpetually dizzy waaah and they’re getting scary again is the world being ruined want nice stuff for a while pls wish they’d give me somewhere nice for a while and I get a nice break but no no no they will never do that they give me and other relatives too physical conditions to make it all worse

Oh oh the funny thing about the loud bang thingy outside the window was that it happened whilst I had the thought process of I feel as though u have something or someone to run from even still I don’t wanna be watched but 0 won’t help I was better cause I was figured it out but now it’s just firhtjeninf again

I was given sleep medication to take whenever I wanted might try that out during the day just as I have for the last over decade now keep having the nightmares/getting sent to the dream world to be tormented and waking up ten times never some some nightmares leave me unbothered whether stereotypical or not others leave me bothered whether stereotypical or not these weren’t horrible once awake but were in dream and woke up and saw a bunch of faces because ofc still didn’t wanna go back to sleep though even though I was dozing every time I dozed boom new gave too wrote some down um um some faces were from the dream others not at least I think maybe maybe I saw faces in the dream so I think but I think I may have trouble remembering faces rather often perhaps perhaps

the truman show is a good movie though watched it a while back good film indeed the doors hold threats and significance they always have the clocks as well why am I rambling oh yes I will write this stuff down but easier to quickly do so on here so hand hurts less then will do it on paper I drank some milk I like milk and cranberry juice it’s very delectable I have a warm blanket it’s nice when in bad worlds and worlds in general or when world crumbles and ruins and like all is left rubble the blanket turns on you put it in the outlet the cord the thingy the thingy I don’t remember the name plug in cubicle no not that damn cube block with the pokey things that you shove into an outlet holes I write for some distraction sometimes oh yes the blanket it heats up it’s so nice electric blanket oh I’ve been rmemerbjnf to take medicine lately yay and hopefully it will make some things better this body is deteriorating rapidly I need a new vessel pls

let me ramble some for slight distraction cause watching is no good hate it when shadows randomly imprint into the wall and are shaped like large humanoid figures it’s creepy hate the noises sounded like that door then saw random planter and tire and shit it’s all so funny why random planter per the usual I have a headache

I paced around and thought about this stuff didn’t articulate it how I wished to more information here to be typed don’t care can’t think bricks in head as always

[polar534]

Hockey AU

Hi! I wrote an AU... that's not really an AU. Just a bunch of things and scenarios I think would happen in the future for Lumity revolving around one central idea:

Amity in a hockey jersey. (The Feral Brain though that started it all)

Sooooooooooo. Here we go. This first post is mostly about the Hockey Portion of the AU but like I said, it's ended up being alot of different scenarios. It is equally a (short term) future AU as it is a sport AU. I do eventually plan on making all of this into a chapter by chapter fic on Ao3, but if this gets some good reception I'll keep posting updates on here. I've already got multiple scenarios summarized and 4 fully written chapters.

ok but enough of that. Here goes:

Facts and World Building:

- This is about a year and half after the events of the show. (The girls be about 15-16)

- These girls are just dating. There's no drama. They are incredibly happy together. Which they deserve.

- Amity and Luz are living in the human world with Camilla.

- They spend weekends with Eda at the palace.

- Lilith and Eda are currently trying to restructure the entire Boiling Isles coven system. They have overthrown and taken down Belos and the Clawethorn sisters were named to lead in his stead. To the majority of The Owl Fam's surprise.

- Luz and Amity help them in their free time going around and helping everyone adjust and heal from the tyrants rule.

- The portal remains in the castle under protection. The Owl Fam and friends of The Owl Fam are welcome to use it, but any others must go through Luz. (Eda's decree)

- They attend Hexside during the day and homeschool themselves on human subjects before they go to bed.

Hockey Overview:

- Firstly. Amity's team is called the Otter's. She specifically chose that team because she knew the name would make Luz happy.

- Secondly. The entire team adores Luz. She's at almost every practice and is there for every game. So although she's useless on the ice, she is just considered a member of the team.

- Thirdly. Amity is extremely careful to stay within the rules of the game, but she doesn't hold back. Her role on the team is mostly defense. Her job (which she mostly assigned herself) is to keep the path clear for her teammate with the puck. If that means absolutely bodying anyone who comes near, then she does just that. (I mean, let's be honest she played heavy support in the grudgeby match we saw her participate in.) Amity has to really struggle with keeping her competitive/perfectionist side under control and not wrestling the puck away from the strikers every chance she sees an opening that others don't. It's a left over from her time playing Grudgeby.

- Fourthly and most importantly: Amity has tried to teach Luz to skate. Many times. Luz cannot skate. Luz cannot even operate on ice. If she is on the ice, she is clinging to Amity.

Summary/Timeline Thingy (under a read more cut because... oh my god I have a problem):

At first when Luz starts going (purely because she wants to support Amity), she's pretty silent. Just working on either school work, her glyphs or making a meal plan for both Eda and her mother because both are too busy/crazy to seem to take care of themselves. The team doesn't mind, and finds it pretty sweet actually. Especially when Luz will randomly look up and compliment one of them on a shot. Or how the girl seems to just stop mid-work to stare transfixed as the new blood is practicing.

Now that's just cute. Nobody can deny that.

Or that the newbie completely changes demeanor from stone cold and calculating to absolutely flustered and soft as soon as her girlfriend slides clumsily onto the ice to greet her at breaks and after practice.

Also. Cute.

All that slowly changes though because Luz is like... SUPER excited about Amity being on a sports team. Especially Hockey. She stays mostly quiet during practice because this is Amity's thing and she wants to respect that, but as soon as they get off the rink together Luz is excitedly discussing new plays and strategies or the best ways to hit the other players so they stay down longer. It's Amity's favorite way to wind down after practice. She's usually too tired to keep up with Luz's energy but she listens and relaxes into just how excited her girlfriend is.

Amity always takes into account her girlfriend's post practice discussions and will often put them into play at the next practice or game. It's extremely noticeable. Despite being new to the sport, and frankly seemingly still surprised by alot of "normal" customs and rules, Amity is getting really good. Not only is she skilled and strong but she's also catching on to strategies and plays that even the coach doesn't seem to always get. (Rec league because official coaches and team games sound boring honestly)

She starts to get approached by her teammates, asking her for advice or tips. While she can answer some of them, she normally just yells up at Luz (sitting on the bleachers) out of nowhere asking for her opinon, to which Luz somehow always has an immediate response prepared. Most often not even looking up from whatever she was doing to answer it.

Whenever someone asks her about they know so much about sports. Amity usually shrugs and just replies, "We're a team." Sometimes with a quip about how Luz makes them watch too many movies or something about Azura. That's when the team starts approaching Luz equally about stuff, and insist she start sitting on the sidelines with the team rather then the bleachers. Whenever they ask Luz why her and Amity know so much, Luz just gets a huge shit eating grin and waves her hands in front of her face as she says: "It's magic~".

Since keeping Amity's witchiness a secret is one of their biggest priorities, this always makes Amity really nervous. Not to mention she knows Luz is also referring to their relationship as magic which makes her get immediately flustered as well.

Its a win-win for Noceda. She gets to have fun with a secret only they know, and gush about Amity at the same time.

Soon enough, while Luz never actually goes out onto the ice, she's just a part of the team. Amity gets voted team captain, much to the current team captain's relief and while Amity keeps a monitor as to how her team is doing on the ice, Luz keeps a monitor as to how their plays are doing from the sidelines. They work together to switch members out at perfect moments and the Otter's go from a very basic team to being one of the top teams of the area.

Random Facts (read: I have no category for this stuff but it's important):

- Luz will often steal Amity's jersey, because its really baggy and comfortable and because it's Amity's. Amity has a STRUGGLE every time it happens. 1. It's way too cute. And 2. "Luz, I need that." "You going to come and take it Blight?"

- Regardless of how bad she is on the ice, Luz is really good with the hockey stick and surprisingly accurate with her shots. Her and Amity will often practice together in a field, and, when they're sure no one's watching/visiting Eda, they'll add their own magical twist to the game and have a 1v1 witches hockey duel.

- Luz loves it when Amity checks the shit out of players on the ice. She is one of THOSE hockey fans. And her girlfriend is brutal.

- King and Amity have a really good relationship in Hockey AU. They are both vent buddies. While Amity is in much healthier place and doesn't put as much pressure on herself anymore, she still gets easily frustrated. King, being the little dude he is, is also easily frustrated. Every week they get together for a vent session in which they chill out and watch a stupid movie in the background and complain about it to get the night going. It always ends up that they pause the movie before it's over because they're too busy going off about other things bothering them.

- Lilith and Eda share mentoring roles for both girls. It's not an, Eda for purely Luz and Lilith for purely Amity situation.

- Camilla is incredibly proud of her two girls and is incredibly supportive as well... but she can no longer go to any games or practices. The first time Amity got hard checked by an opposing player during a game, Camilla nearly stopped the entire match demanding she go down and look her over and make sure she didn't have any injuries. When Luz and Amity approached her that night, after she was asked to leave the game, she was grateful for the excuse. "You know I love and support you both, but I cannot watch... that. With good conscious. You'll just have to make sure you come to me if you're actually hurt. Ok?" She'll still come to Amity's big games, despite her anxiety.

- Amity has a scar from an injury she received in her first season's Semi-Final game. (I have ALOT of notes on this... it is one of the 'scenarios' I listed at the top.)

[andwearegayinthisbroadwaytheatre]

tw: mentions of transphobia

i honestly just feel the need to vent right now,

as ive been extremely frustrated, scared, and everything inbetween. i feel like im not safe in my own home. my parents are caring and take care of my brother and i and all, but my mom wasn’t that accepting of me being trans. she was fine with me being a demigirl (most likely due to it still having ‘girl’ in it) and being fine with me wanting to use they/them pronouns more than she/her pronouns, but as soon as i told her i was trans she just said hol up. i even have a preferred name, and i wrote it down on my little whiteboard, but she saw it and gave me a lecture on detransitioning. it was frustrating with my mom not accepting me, but right now im much more worried about my dad. we had dinner last night and he brought up the news article about the trans woman wanting a brazillian body wax, but he referred to her as a trans guy. i corrected him, but i dont think he cared or bothered to listen. hes very conservative and gets mad if i go out of line or say anything he remotely disagrees with. i honestly think hes transphobic, and it’s made me incredibly scared. what if my mom tells him about me coming out to her as trans, or about that trans/nb meetup thingy i asked her about? what if he becomes abusive towards me? what would my siblings think? i think my older sister would be ok with it, as she wants to become a civil rights lawyer, but my brothers quite conservative too. we live in an area thats quite conservative, and ive told some of my friends about me being FtM trans. most didnt really care, one asked why, and the other one... wasnt that accepting. a bit of backstory, we were at a baking camp and she said that she didnt support pride and that she has very conservative views. when i told her i was trans, she asked me ‘why’ and that ‘everyone at school will still see you as a girl’. i told her id most likely wait til high school until i would present as male, and she said ‘maybe then youll change your mind.’ that phrase stuck with me and still makes me incredibly emotional. i do have friends in the GSA at our school, and there is another FtM trans guy, and he’s my dude and really cool, so i do have friends i can vent to, but school hasnt started yet, so i only have tumblr currently. on every other social media, my friends/family follow me there, so i cant vent about stuff like this there. the only friend that i know personally on here that follows me knows im trans and is 100% cool with it, so shes r a d i c a l. But other than that, no where else. so thank you for scrolling through my small rant.

[ram-de]

journaling prompt 24/30

Day 24: What are the good habits you want to cultivate?

Heh, beats me. I don't even know what I'm doing right now. I probably do have some ideas though. But listing all of those will make it some sort of a grand plan that I may or may not be able to follow through it all. But sure, I'll write what comes to my mind. 

Bruh how do I make bullet points I forgot HTML... Okay I just turned the Beta thingy, here goes nothing.

Write daily journals. Crazy how I wrote this despite writing so sporadically throughout the years. Actually it felt like I’m just doing a diary... I don’t even know the difference between journaling and doing diary anymore help

Take shower twice. I usually do once each day, okay, and I DO NOT SMELL!!! But like it’s nice to have shower when I start out my day and end the day before resting. 

That’s it. I don’t have anything that comes up. The following points will probably be more random. Here goes another nothing.

Talking to people. Chat with people.

Going out more.

Actually spend time to study properly each day.

Pray properly.

Doodles.

Save money, figure out what I want to buy.

Less time using phones.

See? It’s all very broad habits to have. I wanted to have a hobby and stick with it too but I’m not sure what. Journaling is a hobby? Nah, it’s a mean for me to vent to the void. Putting it out in case someone notices and stalks me. Ok... it’s creepy. I did not meant that. I guess it’s more easy to access? I used to write in docs files and put a password on my old notebook. I also used to write in daylio, monkkee. Not much last long haha. Though here too I guess, but the thing is I can always come back here as long as the internet works :)

It’s getting off topic. I said what asked anyway. 

[citylovercityrider-blog]

dk man u make my dash enjoyable i genuinely think your blog's rly good but dat bout ur blog so here's me with a statement i wrote late n crying, like belonging's made up. it's just a teen movie thingy. the comfy ppls didn't find their place, they made it themselves. ya. ( ) ❀

are u ok……. i mean, i’m happy i can provide content you think is good but if you need to vent, my ask box is open man.