#❪ based on my own experience but using she/her cause disassociation haha ❫

[riggedtraps]

Mandy Writes #1

trigger warning for: self harm, semi-graphic description, burning using a cigarette & a lighter, r slur, f slur, internalised homophobia & ableism, don't read this if you struggle with any of this i don't want anyone to be triggered

content warning: mandy smokes a cigarette then burns herself. third person pov (she/her). haven't edited this/re-read it.

The smoke curled around her lungs in an uncomfortably comfortable way, a mini tornado swirling in her chest as it wreaked havoc on her breathing. Ash weighed her down so much that, for a few moments, she believed she could sink right down through the Earth and burrow herself underground. Six feet, preferably.

She was scared. A long time ago, she'd done it before—but not with a cigarette. With a lighter.

She couldn't remember it, but she remembered that it must have been a warm sensation singing all her arm hairs off, and she remembered that it must have been good because she hadn't stopped for quite some time. It was curiousity that lured her in that time. Right now, she wanted the pain to quieten her mind.

Hands shaking, she held the cigarette beside her arm. It was terrifying but she wasn’t sure why. She'd burnt herself on hot glue before, then scraped it off—alongside a few layers of skin. That was easy. Fun, even. So why was this so hard?

She just had to take the leap.

It was a predictable yet delicious sting as she pressed the cigarette's ash to her arm. The shock of it caused her to jerk her hand back, the remainder of the ash hitting the dirt underneath her feet. Wiping off the muck from her arm, she could see a soft pink mark.

She wanted—needed—more.

Again, again. More, more. The pain soon receded and it was like a sort of experiment to her. How many burns could she resist? Too many. She would have gone farther, but the cigarette was burning close to her finger. Not brave enough to put it out on her pretty pink mark, she took a final, long drag, enjoying the lightheadedness that came with oxygen deprivation, and then stubbed the cig out under her chunky boots.

When she looked down again, there was no more pretty pink mark. Instead, there was an ugly, gutclenching blister filled with yellow pus.

Panic roared through her for a few moments. Her first burn and it was already infected. Was she stupid? Fucking retarded? She knew it was wrong to use that disgusting word on herself, but it was true. Fucking fag couldn't take a fucking fag, either.

Slowly, the worry subsided. It was done with now, there was nothing she could do. Telling someone was not an option. Seeing a doctor was not an option. She would have to see what'd happen, keep a close eye on the ugly mess she'd created.

She did it to herself.

[overwatch-does-stuff]

A Summary On Chronal Disassociation and Gravitic Fluxes

Password Accepted

WINSTON’S NOTES- DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE WINSTON!

Athena suggested that I try to write out my line of thinking in simpler language, as to get the basics down before I get into the “nitty-gritty” of the matter. It reminded me of something that Dr. Winston said to one of his co-workers back on Horizon, something along the lines of “if you can’t explain it to a five year-old, you don’t understand what you’re talking about”. Wise advice indeed! While I don’t have any five year-olds around, and anyone I would show this to certainly wouldn’t be five, haha, I figured it was worth a shot just to get my ideas straight.

So, where to start?

Let’s start with Lena. It’s always good to start with what one knows rather than what one doesn’t. Anyway.

Lena has acute chronal disassociation. Chronal disassociation is a condition where the particles that make up the body spontaneously detach themselves from their current time and place and reappear in a different time and place. To the extent of Lena and I’s observations, this does not include inter-dimensional or alter-dimensional travel. Even if there were such things as alternate timelines, her disassociation through space and time would not create them due to the transient nature of her travel, but that’s getting beside the point.

My chronal accelerator design (it’s not really an accelerator, per say, more of a harness, but the name seemed to stick) keeps Lena in this current timeline by. . . hmm, keeping it simple simple. . .  kind of in a way that a quantum computer works. (No, that’s not simple! Think, think. . .) Quantum computers work by having infinite states of existence, which the computer infrastructure is able to control what state is active at which time. The chronal accelerator uses very much the same principle- it essentially “tells” Lena’s particles where to exist and in what state.

Now, that status is programmable, allowing Lena to alter her state at will (within certain safety parameters, of course!). With the aid of the accelerator, she can manipulate when her particles exist (such as restoring herself to a younger and undamaged time) and where her particles exist (such as moving herself on the X and Y axes, although it must be someplace she could reasonably get to using her own two feet. She cannot fly, for example.)

Now. . . here’s where things get. . . interesting. Lena, I hope you’re not reading this without me.

Chronal Disassociation is transferable. Not contagious! Lena is not dangerous to herself or anyone around her, even without the accelerator! But it is transferable. She does have the ability, with familiarity and practice, to disassociate other particles and reassemble them in another location. This idea is obvious to anyone who thinks to ask the question of why her clothing and weapons travel with her whenever she blinks or recalls. In the early days, in fact, we ran several experiments with the accelerator to make sure that she wouldn’t teleport the oxygen molecules out of her lungs, since the air she breathed wasn’t the same air that was involved with the Slipstream incident. I was genuinely concerned that she might suffocate should she ever try to blink!

I digress. The fact of the matter is, Lena can control the timeline of particles around her. Not just her own bodily particles, but the particles around her. While she herself is hesitant to acknowledge it, her condition isn’t just a condition- it’s a power.

Which leads me to the next, far less pleasant topic, and the real reason why I’m typing all this out.

Dr. Siebren de Kuiper underwent an unknown procedure of events and has now arrived under my study with the power to control gravity. To make matters worse, in between that unknown event and now, Talon got to him first and already constructed a kind of “harness” for him. A “harness” that’s highly invasive and shoddily built compared to my inventions (and that’s saying something, my chronal accelerator notwithstanding!) I’ve been working night and day not only to understand the basics of how his power works, but also how that harness is supposed to function in relation to that.

What I’ve got so far is pretty crude. I think Dr. de Kuiper has some kind of control over quantum gravitons, aka the particles that transmit the force we all know as gravity. The more gravitons he creates or gathers on an object, the more gravity exerted. Similarly, he has the ability to destroy or scatter Earth’s normal gravitons, which reduces the amount of gravity exerted on an object. On the large scale, it functions almost as a kind of basic telekinesis from a superhero movie.

If that theory is correct, de Kuiper must have an astounding amount of control. We’re talking septillions, octillions, maybe even nonillions or decillions (stupid huge numbers, forgot to keep it simple) of individual graviton particles that he’s manipulating here. The crude “harness” that Talon strapped into him (I mean literally INTO him, into his brain) must help him with that in some regard. Whether the technology controls the particles for him or if it simply helps him “feel” or “visualize” them better, I have no idea.

According to de Kuiper himself, aboard the ISS, he experienced what he called a “singularity”. Now, his language was very. . . flowery and unscientific, but given the subject matter he’s trying to describe I don’t blame him. Most disturbingly, however, it matches Lena’s description of the Slipstream incident almost perfectly. Lena (the much more reliable narrator of the two,) described the sensation as being “everywhere at once, “not knowing which way was up or down”, and “feeling incredibly old yet only lasting a few seconds”.

Lena doesn’t talk about the Slipstream accident. I highly, highly doubt she said anything about it to de Kuiper before he recounted his story for me. While his testimony is dubious, the events he described were too close to hers for me to dismiss them as coincidental storytelling.

As a result of this seemingly identical incident, he now has control over his own particles and the particles around him.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though! Lena’s powers and de Kuiper’s powers are two fundamentally different things. De Kuiper exhibits no control over any other subatomic particle, only the gravitons, which is an important distinction. Lena’s power is indiscriminate- the reason she can’t “fly” like he can is that she takes the gravitons in her body with her when she teleports and can’t separate them out. She certainly doesn’t have individual molecular control, whereas de Kuiper might, but only for gravitons as I mentioned. And then there’s his “melody”, which he claims is related to the fluctuations of his power, but that’s likely just to be how his psyche deals with the associated trauma. I mean, Lena isn’t crazy enough to report hearing music.

But. . . it is important to remember that time and gravity are related quantities. I haven’t been able to tell de Kuiper’s physical age in the very same way that it’s impossible to tell Lena’s based on DNA testing. It’s common knowledge that the greater the gravitational field, the slower time passes within that field. I suspect that de Kuiper is physically younger than the amount of time that has passed since his supposed death.

Does this mean that de Kuiper could have control over time? Does this mean that Lena could be unwittingly manipulating gravity? I have my doubts. There’s a lot of caveats with this “theory” that are only visible when talking about the more complex science. 

Regardless, I’ve cautioned Lena over and over again not to let de Kuiper use his powers on her, just in case. Even if their powers aren’t connected, I don’t want to discover any sort of strange reaction that could cause Lena to disassociate for good. I just hope she listens. 

Alright. Let’s get back to work now on the real science of it. I’m not sure how useful this exercise really was, but I suppose I can use it as a quick reference or something.

User Logged Off

[sapphyreknight]

Detailed HC meme // do them all B)

♠ | THE EXCESSIVELY DETAILED HEADCANON TUMBLR MEME                                                                                         — - [Not Accepting]

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK, FOX

SECOND OF ALL, I GUESS I MIGHT AS WELL DO BOTH SIDES OF THE MUSE WHERE APPLICABLE AND JUST CLOSE THIS ONE LMAO

SEPARATING INTO TWO POSTS BC DAMN THIS IS A LOT EVEN THO I’M TRYING NOT TO RANT

1. What does their bedroom look like?

It’s a little messy, but relatively empty. There are quite a few stuffed animals strewn about, and their bed is practically a futon with a warm, fluffy blanket. Sapphyre values comfort items very much, since he’s fairly unstable, so there are a lot of just “cute” things in his possession.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?

Sapphyre doesn’t have much of a daily ritual, but quite frequently, Sapphire will comb their hair when she is in possession. The act serves as a soothing exercise, so she takes what little joy she can out of just having a repetitive, therapeutic thing to do.

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

Sapphyre tends to go on lengthy walks daily, which is where and when he typically meets others and gets to know the world around him more and more. It’s funny, because regardless of how long he’s lived, he still looks at everything with fresh eyes.

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

I can’t for the life of me imagine why this situation would occur, but I suppose they’d go somewhere else and buy something.

5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

Sapphire is typically the one who keeps up with hygiene. She’s the one who takes care of herself more often than not, since Sapphyre would probably live in a ditch with rats in his bushy hair if she didn’t.

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

Despite how thin they are, they can eat quite a bit when they remember to eat. For Sapphyre, he still isn’t used to the notion of constantly having to eat, so more often than not, he doesn’t. The thing about that, though, is that he doesn’t keep food down for very long either, since he tends to eat more than he can handle and overwhelm his body.

Sapphyre will DEVOUR sweets, though. He won’t turn down a sweet treat, ever. Daily menu consists of whatever he sees while passing by the bakery, honestly.

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

Sapphire tends to just sit around by herself, watching the world go by. She doesn’t have an opinion on “wasting time” because she feels like she merely “exists” and hates interacting with others or trying new things.

Sapphyre just wanders. He’s also neutral on the concept, since he’s existed for long enough that wasting a bit of time doesn’t affect him very much.

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Sweets, sweets, sweets, and cuddly things. Sapphyre just loves them, and he won’t pass up getting more. He doesn’t have an opinion on his own indulgence, but he sees certain types of indulgences as being strange or unpleasant. He won’t actually judge anyone based on them, though.

9. Makeup?

Nah. Sapphire might wear lipstick from time to time, though.

10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Sapphyre gets stressed relatively easily. He tends to be overwhelmed if things come at him too quickly, because his perception of time makes them hard for him to truly grasp if time isn’t taken to understand them.

Sapphire has a clinical mental illness, though, so I won’t go into hers here.

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Sapphyre wants to know about everything. And since he has an eternity to do so, he may get just that some day… maybe. There’s only so much information he can sustain over time, haha.

12. Favorite book genre?

I feel like Sapphyre would be especially interested in fantasy-themed books, since a fantasy world is not something he can physically observe. He finds them fascinating.

Sapphire, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. She would probably read really difficult books, because she values fact over feeling, and KNOWING things rather than imagining them is more important to her.

13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Grey-ace. He’s a shade that doesn’t particularly yearn for sexual satisfaction, but would likely engage in the act if someone he cares dearly for wants it. In general, though, he thinks it’s anyone’s preference who and what they choose to be attracted to.

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerance, etc.)

Sapphyre’s teeth are a little sharper than most people’s, but not drastically so. If he bit someone ( not that he’s going to ), it’d be easy to make them bleed without using much force is all. He can also choose to sprout his wings, but the physical transformation causes him pain, so he tends not to.

He also has various, thin scars along his body from… something he’d rather not share.

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

He doesn’t tend to think in short-term goals.

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Biggest: to know all the wonders of humanity.

Smallest: to remain alive long enough to do the above.

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

Dark clothing is preferred, and it’s a plus if it’s warm and comfortable, too. Sapphyre is particularly fond of soft, furry materials.

18. Favorite beverage?

I’d have to say wine, but only on occasion. They enjoy it but will not abuse it, normally. awkward shuffles away from Fox’s and my thread lmao

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

The wonders of the universe, maybe? I imagine Sapphyre ends up just thinking a lot. One thing leads to another, and his train of thought makes long, intricate journeys to all realms of questioning and analysis.

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

I’ll switch gears to Sapphire for this one, since I didn’t delve into the thing earlier. She suffers from an undifferentiated subtype of schizophrenia, and that definitely affected her childhood experience. I’m not going to go into details until I have the proper means of expressing EXACTLY how this affects her motivations and mentality. ( also why I haven’t used her yet )

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

Well, seeing how it takes a lot to really get him to the point of sexual attraction, I’m gonna go with general social turn-ons and turn-offs. Sapphyre enjoys pretty much… anything and anyone. But if you accuse him of lying or something of the sort, he will flat out deny it and disassociate. If anything, it’s sort of triggering material for him and may lead to a swap in personalities to Sapphire as a defensive mechanism.

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

He’s not the best artist, but he’ll probably draw a little bit—flowers, mainly, and the occasional animal. Most of the paper, though, would probably be different scriptural forms from different eras and cultures.

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

As stated before, he’s not a stickler for organization, but his disorganization is counteracted by Sapphire’s obsessive need for things to always be in the same place.

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

Sapphire excels in logical thought and therefore is extremely equipped for law and business, but her illness prevented her from ever pursuing either.

25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

Honestly? The same as always. Sapphyre, again, is not affected very strongly by perceptions of time. In fact, he could disappear from someone’s life for years and still feel like it was only yesterday, or even MINUTES ago, that they last spoke. This is assuming they’ve met often enough for him to remember them, though, since interactions are such fleeting moments for him.