#✧ — ⋆ Mistakes become regrets. Isms. The Just | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

loverhymeswith · 3 years ago

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Please! 🤣 That one just screamed Holder to me "What happened?" "Do you want the long version or the short version?" "Uh, short?" "I made a mistake." "Okay, long version." "I made a very very big mistake." 😁 Have a lovely day! 💗

Love on the Line | Stephen Holder x F!Reader

Enough Masterlist

Summary: Another Enough-Verse drabble.

Word count: 2,476 words

Warnings: Implied phone sex

A/N: Thank you for the prompt, anon! Sorry it's taken so long. Also, a HUGE shoutout to @yespolkadotkitty for taking a look through and contributing some ideas and dialogue yesterday when writer's block was dragging me down. You're the best! <3 And credit to @reysorigins for the amazing Holder gif. I love you <3

Joel Taglist: @weallhaveadestiny @a-reader-and-a-writer @11thstreetvigilante @fairchildflag @skvatnavle

Try as you might, there’s just no focusing on the heavy binder of reading material in your lap. From the corner of your eye, you can see your phone lying at the bottom of the unfamiliar bed. A teasing reminder of how easy it would be to give in to temptation and call. It’s only been two nights, and less than twelve hours since you last spoke, but this is the longest you’ve been parted since everything changed and... you miss him.

Of course, Holder had suggested accompanying you on the three-day trip down south for the sergeant training course, but you’d insisted you could manage a few nights without him. Between working together and unofficially living together, it’s not as if you’re short on his company. Now, however, as you sit alone in your hotel room during a break between seminars, you’re beginning to regret that decision.

The last two months have been a blissful blur. Any doubts you once had about letting go of your insecurities and allowing him in have been blown away. While it hasn’t all been plain sailing – at the end of the day, this is Holder – and your relationship is still very much under wraps from the rest of the precinct, you couldn’t be happier. For the first time in your life, you no longer feel like it’s just you against the world. As if a veil has been lifted, you can finally see that for the longest time Holder has truly been your partner in every sense of the word.

Self-control be damned, you dump the binder and reach for the phone instead. He answers on the second ring.

“Hey, mama. Wassup?”

You fight back the smile that tugs at your lips, even though there’s no one around to see. Since the day you met, the sound of his voice alone has been a source of comfort, as have the unique words of wisdom that spill from those lips. You’ve affectionately dubbed them his ‘Holder-isms’ and right now you’d give anything to have him wrapped around you, talking your ear off about his latest worldly insight.

“Hey. I had a spare couple of hours. Thought I’d check how the case is going.”

“Know I don’t buy that, right?” You can hear his smirk down the line. “You don’t gotta pretend no more. You missin’ me, baby?”

“I wish you were here,” you concede, dropping both the pretence for the call and the clipped tone you usually reserve for work.

“Well, I could’a been,” he reminds you, with a hint of snark. “But we both know I would’a been too much of a distraction.”

He’s right. And this had been a deciding factor when telling him you’d go alone. Keeping your hands off each other around the precinct is becoming a struggle enough. Throw in the excitement of a new city and the all-expenses paid accommodation, and you’re not sure either of you would have made it out of the hotel room.

“I could do with a distraction right about now,” you admit, leaning back against the headboard. Even fully stretched out across the luxurious bed, it’s far too big for one person. If you weren’t currently a two-hour flight away from Seattle, you’d be begging him to come and join you.

“Aw baby, sounds like that big, beautiful brain of yours needs to relax. You should take a bath. Treat yourself to a bottle of somethin’ on the city’s dime. You earned it.”

That’s not exactly the type of relaxation you had in mind, but you murmur your agreement anyway. Just thinking about Holder and this empty bed has sparked a familiar ache between your thighs, but you try to ignore it. “What are you doing right now?”

“Just got back from lunch with some of the guys. You know that new taco place that opened across the street? It’s dope. We gotta check it out when you get back.”

“Sounds good.” You sink further into the bed and close your eyes, picturing his face. An unexpected pang of loneliness fills your chest. You know that sometimes distance can be a good thing, but it doesn’t feel that way right now. “I really do miss you, babe,” you murmur softly. “I guess I’ve just gotten so used to seeing you every day...”

“Well mama, that can easily be fixed.”

You hear a faint click on the other line that is almost immediately followed by your own phone buzzing. Switching the call to speaker, you open your messages, only to be greeted by the handsome, grinning face of Holder looking back at you. “Better?” he enquires.

“Much better.” You can’t help but smile. Even if the photo - a surprisingly flattering shot given his questionable photography skills - does make you miss him that little bit more.

“A’ight, now it’s your turn.”

“My turn?”

“Wanna see you, too. S’only fair.”

Ignoring any self-consciousness that you might have felt about your appearance – he’s seen you in far worse states – you flick to the camera app and snap a quick selfie. After firing it back to him, you wait for his response.

“Baby, you look sad.” You can hear the worry in his tone. “Smokin’ hot as always, but sad.”

“I’m not sad,” you insist, defensively. “I’m just lonely and bored of reading management manuals.”

“Bored?” He scoffs, like he can’t quite believe it. “Don’t they got no decent porn on cable? What kinda cheap-ass hotel they put you in?”

“Even if they did have porn channels here, why would I want to watch that rubbish?” You pull a face, forgetting that he can’t see you. “I’d much rather use my own imagination.”

The line goes silent for a moment, and you check to make sure the call hasn’t dropped. “Holder? You still there.”

“I’m here.” His voice sounds rough, as if something is caught in his throat.

“Are you ok?”

“M’fine, baby. You just… got me all hot and bothered thinkin’ ‘bout you and your imagination. All alone in that fancy hotel room… fuck, I wish I was there.”

The heat between your thighs instantly returns at the sound of his strangled words, a delicious flame of excitement licking your veins. Your pulse hammers in your chest as a bold new idea begins to take form. “Maybe you could… Umm. Maybe you could help out? With my imagination, I mean…”

“Damn baby.” You can hear his excitement, too. “Let me take this to the office. Need to be somewhere private. Don’t want all those creepy ass cops overhearin’.”

The following day

When you walk through the front door three hours ahead of schedule, you’re greeted by the sight of chaos. The kitchen is in a state of disarray. Pots and pans are everywhere, with an eclectic mix of ingredients spread across all available surfaces. And there, in the centre of the room, wearing his O.G. Grilla apron and an expression of shock, stands Holder.

“Yo, what you doin’ back so early?” he demands, but the subtle gleam in his eye assures you that he is in fact pleased to see you.

“I wanted to surprise you.” You place your luggage on the floor before cautiously approaching. “What’s going on?” You glance around the apartment again, but from his reaction to your arrival alone, it’s clear he’s up to something. You have to hold back a laugh. He’d make a shitty criminal.

“Maybe I wanted to do somethin’ nice for you. Surprise you, too.”

Even without your detective skills in play, you’re pretty sure that’s not the whole story. Especially when your eyes land on the beautiful bouquet of roses by the sink. “Flowers?” You pause before you reach him, arching an questioning eyebrow in his direction.

Holder grins, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “You like ‘em?”

“The last time you bought me flowers, you were feeling guilty about being late home. What have you done?"

The initial look of shock on Holder’s face is slowly being replaced by mild panic. He reaches up to rub a hand across the back of his neck. “S’no big deal really.”

He forgets that you’ve always been able to read him like a book. “Stephen?”

"A’ight. A’ight.” He turns around to adjust something on the oven, and then he’s closing the remaining distance, his brow creasing as he stares down at you. “You want the long version or the short version?"

The fact that there are two versions alone should be enough to cause you concern, but you’re tired from travelling and after yesterday’s … activities… you want nothing more than to tumble into bed with him. After all, were it not for this present curveball, your intention had been to drag him straight to the bedroom. "Uh, short?"

Holder nods to himself, a flicker of relief crossing his face, as if he’s relieved that you picked the latter option. "I made a mistake."

“A mistake?” You blink. “That’s it? You’re not going to elaborate?” What kind of mistake warrants him buying you flowers, you want to know? Not to mention whatever is going on in the kitchen right now.

He just shrugs. “Ay, you asked for the short version.”

"Okay,” you sigh. Stepping back to lean against the counter, you fold your arms. It looks as if your plans for the bedroom are welly and truly being put on hold. “Long version?"

He offers a small, sheepish smile. "I made a very, very big mistake?”

“Stephen!”

This time he blanches, the furrow across his brow deepening as he pulls off the ridiculous apron and tosses it away. “Sorry. Sorry. Uh, you might wanna sit down.”

If anything, his words cause you to straighten, a spike of anxiety shooting through your veins. He assured you on the phone earlier today that everything was under control in the office. What could possibly have gone wrong since you last spoke? Still, following his suggestion, you move to the couch and take a seat, your legs bobbing anxiously as you wait for whatever bombshell he’s about to drop.

Holder continues to hover in front of you, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “So, you remember our uh – our li’l phone call yesterday?”

Despite the second spike of anxiety that his words elicit, you nod slightly. How could you forget? You’ve been thinking about that call the whole flight home. It’s the reason you skipped out on your final seminar and booked an earlier ticket. You have no idea how it happened, but you’ve become insatiable for the man in front of you - the currently very flustered and guilty-looking man in front of you.

“Well, uh – Reddick may have overheard some of that call.” He bites his bottom lip, eyes wide as he watches for your reaction. “Scratch that, most of that call.”

“What?” It takes your brain a few seconds to process what he’s saying – to consider what the older detective could have overheard.

“Yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck again and hangs his head. “Guess I was talkin’ louder than I thought. He heard everythin’ through the wall.”

And there had been a lot of talking on his end. A lot of grunting and moaning, too, if you remember correctly. But to your surprise, the mounting anxiety suddenly gives way to relief. Sure, it might have been awkward for Holder. But in the grand scheme of things, it could have been a lot worse.

“Oh, babe. I’m sorry. That must have been pretty embarrassing.” You reach out to him, intending to draw him down to the couch, but he remains where he is, shaking his head.

“It was whatever. But that ain’t the worst part.”

Understanding slowly sinks in and you feel your cheeks burn on Holder’s behalf. “Oh no, he didn’t… he didn’t see anything did he?” The image of Holder slumped in his chair, legs spread, and jeans unbuttoned springs to your mind.

Holder’s jaw drops. “Oh! Fuck no, nothin’ like that.” He shakes his head again, equally horrified by the thought.

Your shoulders slump slightly with second-hand relief for your partner. “Well, what is it then?”

There’s a beat of silence before Holder, clearly still flustered, finally answers. “Remember how I was sayin’ your name?”

Well, shit. If you recall – which you do, with perfect clarity – he was most definitely panting your name repeatedly down the line as you both approached your climax. Granted, he could have been referring to anyone with the same name as you but combined with all his talk of you being alone in the hotel room, the evidence must have been pretty damning.

Holder searches your gaze, anxiously waiting for you to crack - waiting for you to start shouting, or to shut down. But the panic that you’ve been expecting to hit simply doesn’t come. Instead, an alarming wave of tranquillity washes over you, the tension in your body melting away.

“Did he confront you?” you ask calmly.

Holder nods, a pained expression still marring his features. “Tried to deny it, but I mean… it was pretty obvious you were on the other line.”

“Is he going to tell anyone?”

Holder shifts from one foot to the other, anxiety radiating off his lean body. You almost feel bad for him. “I dunno. He just kinda smirked and walked off.” He takes a step closer to you. “Look, I know this is bad, baby. I know you’re prolly mad but-”

“I guess it was only a matter of time.” Over the last few weeks, the two of you have had so many close calls. All those small, subtle touches that are just a little too intimate to attribute to friendship. The stolen kisses in empty interview rooms. His hand resting on your ass at the back of the daily briefings. You should have figured it would be Reddick that found out first. You also should have figured that Holder would be the one to slip up. But no, you’re not angry. If anything, you’re relieved.

“Huh?” he frowns, deep hazel eyes staring down at you in confusion. “You ain’t – you ain’t mad?”

You shake your head slightly, a faint smile tugging at your lips. “It’s not exactly how I envisioned anyone finding out. But…” You trail off at the look of bewilderment on Holder’s face.

“But what?”

You reach out again and this time succeed in tugging him down to join you. Once he’s sitting by your side you interlace your fingers with his and squeeze his large hand. “The last few days have been so difficult being apart from you and... and I think it's made me realise that I don’t want to hide this anymore, Stephen. I don’t want to hide us.”

“For real?” His eyes are still wide, but this time with a mixture of love and awe.

You lean forwards and ghost your lips over his. “For real.”

#stephen holder #joel kinnaman #the killing #stephen holder x reader #enough #stephen holder imagine #stephen holder fanfic #stephen holder x f reader

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duhragonball · 4 years ago

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I was thinking about Goku and Krillin's friendship and it occured to me that they spent months training with Roshi together but then only saw each other for maybe a day every few years. Have you ever had a realization that tripped you out like this?

This is a really good ask, anon, and I just wanted to take a moment to say so.

I have had a few ‘a-ha’ moments like these, but I’m kind of blanking on specific examples. I’ll see what I can come up with.

1) For openers, there’s the whole thing where the Red Ribbon Army has a Dragon Radar, but it’s nowhere near as sophisticated as the handheld one Bulma invented. I think the same holds true for Emperor Pilaf, but his gang is only three people. You’d expect the RRA to have the best equipment possible, because that’s their whole deal, and by normal standards they probably do have the best possible Dragon Radar... but Bulma’s is simply that much better, because she’s on another level. And it’s easy to overlook that, because Bulma’s supposed to be a genius teenager, like Donatello in TMNT, but the RRA’s Dragon Radar is the first hint that she’s even more special than we could have guessed.

2) Rewatching Dragon Ball in 2019, I gained a new appreciation for the filler episodes where Mr. Popo trained Goku. The first time I saw them, I was hoping we’d see Goku grow up and make progress over the three year gap, but instead they just focused on his early days on the Lookout, with Popo just saying things and Goku failing to understand. It was very frustrating to watch.

But in 2019, I noticed that all those episodes get paid off in the Piccolo Junior fight. Popo kept telling Goku to be “quicker than lightning” and “quiet as the sky”, and Goku just couldn’t figure out how to do that, let alone fight at the same time. He had to unlearn all the stuff that had helped him defeat King Piccolo, and he couldn’t do it... at first. But by the time he fought Piccolo Junior, he put it all together, as demonstrated with his big finishing move. Piccolo thought he had vaporized Goku, only for Goku to fly up into the air and crash into him. Why didn’t Piccolo sense Goku’s presence? Because Goku had learned to become as “quiet as the sky”. Why couldn’t Piccolo dodge it? Because Goku had learned to become “quicker than lightning.” So it vindicates those filler episodes pretty nicely. They weren’t just marking time, but they were setting up what the manga was going to do later.

3) I think last year, it hit me that Vegeta had probably never lost a fight before he went to Earth. That alone isn’t probably any big deduction. The only people stronger than him were all working for Frieza, and he knew to steer clear of them until he was ready. But it explains why he was so giddy about the zenkai effect. He had always known about it, but he never mentioned or cared about it until he experienced it for himself after losing to Goku, and then Zarbon.

Yeah, I think this occurred to me during a conversation about Vegeta killing Nappa instead of helping him. In theory, Nappa could have recovered and gotten a lot stronger, just like Vegeta did. But Saiyans Saga Vegeta didn’t care about that. He only gave his henchmen one chancemand discarded them as soon as they lost. This attitude would also explain why he never dared to challenge anyone at a higher level. He knew no one would show him any mercy, so the zenkai boost would have been meaningless to him.

So he might have regretted killing Nappa after he experienced the zenkai firsthand, although he was so drunk on his own increased power that he probably never stopped to consider it. But before Earth, Vegeta probably dismissed the zenkai as a crutch for lesser Saiyans. In his mind, a truly great Saiyan never loses battles in the first place. Or so he believed, until he lost a few times, and became stronger for it, and had to reconsider.

And that also explains how he warmed up to the Super Saiyan Legend over the course of one afternoon. He and Goku made such sick gains that week that he started to wonder if you could zenkai your way to Super Saiyan, and then he was begging Krillin to shoot him just so he could get a step closer.

4) In the same vein, it occurred to me at some point that Bardock was probably stronger than King Vegeta, and neither of them realized it. Maybe it was just a dub-ism, but I’m pretty sure “Father of Goku” has a line about Bardock’s power level being 10000. At the time it was released, 10k wasn’t that big a deal, but in the Saiyans Saga, Vegeta was somewhere around 18-24k. Later, he would claim to have surpassed his father as a child, so I think it’s fair to assume that King Vegeta must have been in that 10,000 neighborhood.

Which makes a nice subtle commentary on why the Saiyan Kingdom failed. They tried to breed better warriors, putting all their stock in the royal family, when the true secret lay in warriors like Bardock, who were constantly getting clobbered and healed. Prince Vegeta only started to make real progress once he began fighting on that same regimen.

5) Also about “Father of Goku,” Frieza only wanted Planet Kanassa subjugated because of the psychic powers of its inhabitants. I think the dub insinuated that the planet itself gave people those powers, but whatever the case, Frieza heard about these people with unusual powers and wanted them stamped out immediately. Just like he wiped out the Saiyans over the Super Saiyan Legend, and just like he planned to destroy Namek to prevent anyone else from using the Dragon Balls.

In short, Frieza fears and despises legends. Why? Because he’s so powerful that real people can’t hurt him, so his fears naturally turn to half-truths and folklore. He chases down ghost stories and rumors, because let’s face it, what else does he have to occupy his time. That’s why King Cold was happy to have the Saiyans working for him, while Frieza wanted them all dead. Cold didn’t share Frieza’s hangups. Cold barely knew what a Super Saiyan was, while Frieza thought about it all the time.

6) One day I thought about that timeline where Cell killed Trunks and took the time machine to find the androids. That specific timeline is pretty much empty. The Z-fighters are all dead, and so are all of the androids and Trunks. They don’t even have a Cell anymore because he went back in time and never returned. There’s still a population, I guess, because the Trunks of that world wouldn’t have just stood by while Cell absorbed everyone on Earth, but that’s about it. Bulma might have survived Cell’s attack on Trunks, but she’d be the only “name” character on the board. It just sounds like a pretty depressing world. Maybe this was the timeline Whis picked out to relocate Blunks and Future Mai in Dragon Ball Super.

7) It sort of blows my mind that the entire Majin Buu arc takes place over a couple of days. Like, episode 207 through 250 all takes place over one day. We know this because Goku only had 24 hours to be back in the living world, and that time was cut short by his use of SSJ3. Then the Elder Kai started doing his ritual to make Gohan stronger, and that took like 25 hours, I’m pretty sure. That wrapped up in #262, and there was no break in the action from that point onward, all the way up to the defeat of Kid Buu in #287. So yeah, eighty episodes over two days. It’s practically real-time footage, save for skipping over the Elder Kai’s ritual and Goten and Trunks practicing and sleeping.

It’s hard to catch on to this, though, because so much stuff happens in the anime version that leads you to think that it’s a much longer span of time. After Vegeta wrecks the stadium, the anime can’t decide whether or not Mr. Satan would stay there or return to his dojo. In the Fusion Saga, Mr. Satan wanders from Buu’s house to the nearest town, then he wanders to the next town over, doing his “Last Man on Earth” bit, except this all happens during the Gotenks/Super Buu fight, which barely lasts half an hour. In the afterlife, Chi-Chi is worried that she can’t find Gohan, but she wouldn’t have even been there that long, and wouldn’t she still be in line to meet King Yemma? She was one of the last Earthlings to die, so how did she end up in heaven so quickly?

8) I used to think Movie 13 (the Hirudegarn one) was canon, but the last time I watched it, I noticed all these glaring problems. They use the Dragon Balls in this one, which means it has to be set six months after the wish to make everyone forget about Majin Buum which means it’s been a year since Kid Buu was defeated. Okay, fine, except Gohan and Videl are still in high school. Shouldn’t they have graduated by then?

More importantly, their high school and Bulma’s house seem to be in the same city. I guess that’s an easy mistake to make. It took me a long time to even notice, but Orange Star High is in Satan City, which is a totally different place from West City. I mean, right? They’re not terribly far apart, but they’re not the same place either.

Then again, they seemed to make the same error in Episode 287, where Bulma’s out shopping and Great Saiyaman 1 and 2 foil a robbery. Are they in West City or Satan City? Maybe there’s more to this...

#ask duhragonball #dragon ball #Anonymous

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fandomshatepeopleofcolor · 4 years ago

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there's been a lot of influencers and people like us on tumblr that have been getting exposed for being racist, sexist, homophobic, etc., and do you think we should just unfollow all of them or give them a chance to just grow from their mistakes? because i know people can grow from their mistakes but it's probably really rare, and i'm just really conflicted on whether or not we should stop supporting them or give them a second chance.

it depends anon, what were they exposed for? if they were “exposed” as liking a problematic show(?) it’s not the same as if they were exposed as trump supporters.

another thing - how old are they? “making a mistake” at 15 is not the same as “making a mistake” in your twenties.

lastly - are you sure they are actually being called out for something and not out of pettiness? are there any actual receipts for shitty behavior or is it just a smear campaign between people who don’t like each other? it’s pathetic, and a problem in and of itself, but people co-opt social justice and the struggles of marginalized people in a quest to appear better and to “settle scores” that are actually personal.

either way, following, unfollowing or even blocking a tumblr user is not as much of a statement as people make it out to be, specially on a site where you can still get their posts and other blogs recced.

if you unfollow them, great, cool! you should not give a racist, homophobe or misogynist a platform. however, that is not all there is. other than unfollowing racists, are you supporting and boosting the voices of people of color when they get harassed by fandom? other than unfollowing homophobes, are you calling out the fetishization of lgbt+ people and characters in fandom? other than unfollowing misogynists, are you unstanning and not supporting the work of the abusive men of hollywood?

other than that... are you sure this person actually regrets their actions? do you know how many people turn a blind eye to someone whose “problematic ideals” are right there in their about page? before even blocking and unfollowing these people, do you even check that they are not out and proud about the issues that later on get called out?

tumblr loves hopping on the cancel train, but boy it takes so long for them to notice it on the first place. this “cancellation”(?) of people only becomes effective if those doing the callout are popular in that particular space. for example, good luck calling out a big marvel blog if you’re not an equally big marvel blog.

to give you an example: how long have pale blogs been whitewashing, and how long have other, non-pale bloggers said that if you are racist in one respect you’ll be racist in another? and how long did it take for these bloggers to actually acknowledge this racism? it took another pale blog to call them out, to expose them for the “behind closed door” racist behavior they engaged in, for them to actually have to face consequences.

anon, it’s not only about blocking and unfollowing. in and of themselves, those are empty statements. be vocal about why these people are harmful.

if you’re shy (and this applies specially if you’re a fandom kid of color), if you’re scared that people will come after you (because they do), use other methods to call them out. do you not want people to come at you when you call out fandom racism, but you’ve got all the receipts that expose bignamefan-canonurl? that’s amazing! we’ve got an entire space dedicated to calling out fandom racism - log out of your account and hit that submit button, we’ll call them out for you. maybe we’re not big in every fandom or community, but we do have a pretty big platform we can use so at least some people know about this stuff. and we’re not the only ones. a few older fans of color specially have openly said that they have no problem calling out racist bloggers.

This does not mean go to the blog of a random person of color and invade their inbox with receipts about racism (or any other -ism). ONLY do so if you’ve got their consent. do not be creepy! ~mod ara

#the concept of a tumblr 'influencer' is so funny to me we're all losers or we wouldnt be here #fhpoc asks #mod ara #Anonymous

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with-her-qalam · 4 years ago

Text

Once you get past blaming everyone and everything else for the things that didn’t go your way in life, you come to an alarming but very necessary realization:

No one has betrayed you in your life more than you.

Let me say that again…

No one has betrayed you in your life more than you.

Stop blaming others and look at the role you played in getting to where you’re at, whether you’re happy and content with where you’re at or not. People are definitely to blame for the bad things they do to you, but in many cases —more cases than we want to admit— we too bear much of the responsibility.

Blaming others puts you into a paralysis of self-pity. That’s a choice. It is up to YOU whether you CHOOSE to wallow in a lament of misery and regret or get up and move on. The way you move forward is to accept what you’ve done wrong, FIX it, don’t repeat it, and become BETTER. And the first step to that is acknowledging that it’s okay to admit fault. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to lose. So long as you amend the fault, right the wrong, and bounce back from the loss.

One of the greatest declarations of repentance is the repentance that saved Jonah from the whale:

‎(لا إلٰه إلّا أنت سبحانك إنّي كنت من الظالمين)

“There is no God other than You! Glory be to you! For I have, indeed, been from the wrong-doers.”

This prayer is found related in the Qur’ān in Surah al-Anbiyā’, verse 21:87. This invocation of repentance doesn’t shift blame or seek to exonerate one’s self in any way. It doesn’t say, “I have sinned, but the temptation was just too great. I couldn’t help myself,” or, “I’m sorry. I sinned, but they shouldn’t have made me do that.” That’s not repentance. That’s wanting to get out of trouble and not face the consequences of yours actions.

Whereas, the aforementioned prayer of Jonah mentioned in the Qur’an simply says, “There is no God other than You, O Allah. You are most worthy of praise and glory. I messed up. I am to blame.”

And, let me tell you from my own personal experience, acknowledging your own fault and blame in what has transpired in your life, as opposed to making excuses and blaming others, is incredibly liberating. Many years ago I suffered one of the greatest losses of my life and it was, for the most part, my own fault. But did I acknowledge that all those years ago? I absolutely did not. I blamed everyone and everything other than me. And that kept me in an emotional coma. I was deluded into believing that the circumstances were not in my control. But they were if I would have just owned up to that and fixed it. But it was too late.

To experience loss due to your own mistakes and to refuse to accept responsibility for that is a very depressing state to be in. Then, believing yourself to be blameless, you start to ask, “Why did Allah do that to me?” Blaming others will always lead to ultimately blaming Allah. And at that point you need to realize who has been filling your heart and mind with all that poison all along: Shaytan, your avowed enemy since time immemorial.

But when you take responsibility for your sins, you are rejecting Shaytan. You are casting proverbial stones at the “Rajīm” which, as the ism maf`ūl of “Rajam”, means the one upon whom stones are cast. He is the accursed and rejected one, and the stones we cast upon him are our good deeds and good fortunes that are pleasing to God. That is how you defeat him.

BUT, don’t fall into the other extreme which is just as much a trick of Shaytan. Don’t fall into the kind of self-blame that makes you self-hating and self-deprecating. You are the greatest creation of Allah about whom He says in the Qur’an:

‎(وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِي آدَمَ وَحَمَلْنَاهُمْ فِي الْبَرِّ وَالْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَاهُم مِّنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ وَفَضَّلْنَاهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلً)

“Indeed, have We honoured the Children of Adam. We carry them on the land and the sea, and have made provision of good things for them, and have preferred them above many of those whom We created with a marked preference.”

[17:70]

But Shaytan refused to acknowledge that and refused the command of Allah to bow and pay respects to your earliest forefather. And ever since then, he has been bent on humiliating you, and there is no greater humiliation than that which you do unto yourself.

After suffering that loss all those years ago, it took me a good amount of time to fully bounce back from it. And that healing only started when I was honest with myself and acknowledged the role I played in my own misfortune. Realizing that, unfortunately, took longer than it should have. But, al-hamdu lillāh, the mistakes I made that resulted in such loss were never repeated by me again. And now, I find it very easy to accept fault and apologize. As I said before, you will find it to be most liberating and you will find yourself not only more at peace with those around you but, most of all, with yourself.

I’m sure Shaytan hasn’t given up on trying to ruin me. But I haven’t given up on ruining him either.

Ustadh Shibli Zaman

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emmaisreadingalot · 4 years ago

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Reviewing Recently Read Books... Part II

I’ve been working more so this bunch took me a little over two weeks to get through, but I really enjoyed a lot of them! Again, I’ll be reviewing in the chronological order of how I read them.

Dracula by Bram Stoker 3.5/5 stars

Synopsis: I mean it’s Dracula,, classic horror. Vampire “I vant to suck your blood” guy.

My thoughts: What people say is true, the novel becomes Very funny when you know (through being a person in society) who Dracula is. Pretty engaging, but I was disappointed by the lack of action in the story. Makes sense as a classic though.

The Temple of My Familiar by Alice Walker 4/5 stars

Synopsis: OK so I didn’t realize this is supposed to be read after The Color Purple and the library didn’t have The Color Purple so I read this first. I think it’s some of the same characters but not necessary to have read The Color Purple so I still enjoyed it. Followed a few entwined families through their struggles both with racism/sexism/lots of isms and personal issues.

My thoughts: Pretty wonderful writing. It felt like poetry a lot of the time. Alice Walker does some cool stuff with multiple lives/playing with time that I really enjoyed. I think I probably should have read The Color Purple first, but we all make mistakes.

Three Act Tragedy by Agatha Christie 3/5 stars

Synopsis: Another Hercule Poirot book! Classic whodunnit. You know it had to be on here, I love mysteries too much.

My thoughts: While I love my detective man Poirot I was not a huge fan of most of the minor/supporting characters in this one. I did not fully guess the end though so that’s nice! (Agatha Christie is still the worst, see other posts where I talk about her for more details)

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens 5/5 stars

Synopsis: The story of a murder investigation unfolds alongside the story of an abused and ostracized young girl’s life in the North Carolina marshlands. This girl happens to be the suspect of the murder investigation.

My thoughts: Everyone I know has been raving about this book for months so I gave it a try. And... beautiful,, heart-wrenching, wonderful. Plus it had mystery elements in it which I love. I really enjoyed this, and not just because I’m from NC.

Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi 5/5 stars

Synopsis: So much happens in this book. We start off with two sisters, separated at birth (I believe), one of which is kidnapped into slavery and one of which remains in Africa. We follow their descendants into current times.

My thoughts: This is probably my favorite book I’ve read this year. The scale that Gyasi tackled here was daunting, but the book flowed so well and was truly engaging the whole way through. What hit me the most was how putting these horrific events in terms of generations contextualizes them. Instead of, “this happened X many years ago,” it was “this happened X many people ago” and that was incredibly powerful to me.

The Martian by Andy Weir 4/5 stars

Synopsis: Astronaut is assumed dead on Mars as his team is making an escape attempt. Surprise: he is not dead. Now he has to find a way to survive on Mars and somehow communicate with earth in order to have any hope of rescue.

My thoughts: This book was Fun. I very much enjoyed reading it; everything felt plausible in a cool way, and the tone was super funny and light. Just fun and cool.

Three Women by Lisa Taddeo 3/5 stars

Synopsis: TW for sexual assault. This is non-fiction. Taddeo interviewed three women at length about their sexual experiences (one of which was groomed by a teacher in high school) and told their stories through the narrative.

My thoughts: Important, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the writing style. The stories themselves were compelling and I’m glad I read it, because I think it showed a lot about how women are judged, both by others and internally. Not my favorite but I certainly don’t regret reading it.

Recursion by Blake Crouch 4/5 stars

Synopsis: Neat sci-fi! Scientists trying to find a cure/treatment for alzheimer’s accidentally find out you can send people back in time through their memories, and their actions will affect the current timeline. Chaos ensues.

My thoughts: I had a lot of fun reading this book! Very cool sci-fi. The concept that all of time is happening all the time (and we are simply limited in our access to it) is one that I think about a Lot and this book really delved into it. Pretty neat!

#books #bookblr #reading #what I'm reading #recently read #dracula #recursion #three women #the martian #homegoing #where the crawdads sing #hercule poirot #the temple of my familiar

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gurubuckaroo · 7 years ago

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A Tumblr looks at 50

Tomorrow, the 21st of February, I turn 50 years old.

#what are you going on this hell site #delete your account #go pay taxes or something #hes literally twice the ops age

Go ahead, get it out of your system. Those are all things I’ve had replies to me tagged with. A lot of people think a lot of things about people my age being on Tumblr, and they’re not shy about saying it. If there’s one -ism I’ve learned that’s perfectly acceptable to most Tumblr users, it’s ageism. That doesn’t bother me. The last time I got anonymous hate, I donated to the ACLU on their behalf.

There are a lot of things being old (ugh) means. There are a lot of things it doesn’t mean. I don’t deserve your respect because of my age. It doesn’t make me better, or wiser, or smarter or more educated. It doesn’t make me more interesting.

The only thing I’ve got on you is that I’ve had a lot more time to make mistakes than you have. And boy have I taken advantage of those opportunities.

They say people can’t learn from the mistakes of others - they have to make their own, and only then do they learn the lesson. Well, that may be. Maybe it’s true for my generation but not yours. Maybe if I can prevent just one person from making some of the mistakes I’ve made in my life, this will be worth it.

Stop hating yourself. There are plenty of people out there willing to do it for you. Don’t be like them.

Stop berating your talent. You think your art is bad. Your music is bad. Your cosplay is bad. You know what? Everyone who has ever expressed a talent feels the same way about theirs. If there’s one constant about artists, it’s that they always feel like their own stuff is trash. Stop being your worst critic. Again, plenty of other people out there willing to do that job. You don’t want to be like them, so don’t agree with them.

Drink. Do drugs. Or not. But always in moderation. Moderation in all things - including moderation. Be moderate in your moderation. Although stay away from crack, cocaine, heroin, and anything prescribed - unless it’s your prescription (more on that later). I’ve seen those first three kill far too many friends. Worse, some of those killed are still walking around, pretending to be alive.

If you’re going to do LSD or other hallucinogens, do it with someone you trust who’s done it before. Bad trips happen - but almost always because of something you or your tripmates bring in with them. An experienced tripguide can walk you back out of a bad trip. Never do it alone. It’s almost impossible to have a bad experience on shrooms, but they might give you stomach cramps - if so, make tea out of them instead of eating them.

Take your Brain Pills. If you’ve been prescribed antidepressants or some other psychoactive meds, take them. My first psychologist appointment was when I was 5. I’ve literally fought clinical depression my entire life, to the extent that I was hospitalized for 45 days just before my 18th birthday. It’s not something to be ashamed about any more than having Diabetes or Sickle Cell or Grave’s Disease or Autism. Depression, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, these are all brain diseases, not failings, and taking medication for them is how you treat them. If you’re terrible about remembering whether or not you’ve taken your meds, they sell pill bottles now with caps that show how long it’s been since you opened it last. They’re great for my chronic pain meds. If you can’t afford them, you’ve got a Tumblr - make a draft post and update it every time you take a pill.

Don’t over-rely on safe spaces and trigger warnings. I can hear you now - “Oh here he comes, about to call us all snowflakes or something.” On the contrary. Safe spaces are wonderful. My wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and teenage sexual assault. I worked for most of our (so far) 27 year marriage helping her to heal, only to see so much work thrown out because of a well-placed trigger from someone who proudly considers herself a SJW and doesn’t care who she offends.

The mental immune system we build up in our psyche is every bit as important as the biological immune system we build up in our bodies. Excessive trigger warnings are no less damaging than refusing vaccination, and can in some cases be triggering themselves. In both cases, the individual will be perfectly fine living in a sealed bubble, but will be completely unable to survive in the world at large. Like biological defenses, the young brain is the best at developing coping mechanisms. As individuals age, those systems become more difficult, and more traumatic, to develop. I’m not suggesting that there should be no trigger warnings or safe spaces. I am suggesting that, like in all things, moderation is the best course.

Fact-check. Snopes is your friend. Google Reverse Image Search is your friend. You may really want to believe that new rumor from a .info site. It takes 20 seconds to check before you powerslam “reblog.” It could save your reputation. It could save someone else’s. (Oh, and any website ending in .info is trash. That domain costs the least to register, so it’s essentially disposable). And for god’s sake, don’t believe everything Anonymous says. Bryan P. Willman, a part-time police dispatcher, had his life ruined because Anonymous claimed he was the shooter who killed Mike Brown, and half of Tumblr and Facebook reblogged the accusation without pause.

Be yourself. Shakespeare said it - “This above all else: to thine own self be true.” Of course, knowing him, it was probably an elaborate dick joke that I still don’t get. But it’s still true. Capital-T True. Possibly the biggest Truth I’ve ever learned.

See, we all like to have friends. And we start off thinking that the best way to have friends is to be what our friends what us to be. Doesn’t help that we probably don’t really know what our friends want us to be, but that’s beyond the point. The problem starts when we end up feeling like we’re being drawn and quartered - because we are trying to be all things to all people. God help young people today who have potentially hundreds of friends through Tumblr or such - they’re trying to be perfect in the eyes of too many observers. Throw social forces into this, and we start to try to be perfect to entire movements. It cannot be done.

There’s another perfect truth we have to realize. It’s simple and absolute: People are jerks. Not all the time, and not to everyone! But we are. And here’s why: We’re all individuals. At some time, we’re going to rub someone the wrong way. And if we’re trying to be exactly what everyone else wants us to be, we’ll end up being jerks to everyone. If we’re true to ourselves, we’ll only be jerks to those who just naturally deserve it. Because we aren’t trying to be perfect for the wrong people.

Be yourself. First and foremost. Be the best yourself you can be, but be it because you are it, not because someone else wants you to be it. Let’s face it, other people quite probably don’t have your best interests at heart. If being yourself means that you don’t fit well with a few people, that’s OK - because it means you will fit better with some others.

When you first met the people you call friends, you probably acted like yourself. Because you didn’t know what they wanted yet. Imagine how much more they’ll like you when you go back to being that person they first met, rather than being a mirror.

Regrets are OK. Self-recrimination is not. There are so many decisions I’ve made in my past that I regret. One decision I made I will never be content with, even though I know (then and now) it was the correct action. My regret from that is purely for my own lost chance. Every once in a while I look back through hindsight and say “well maybe it would have been OK to make the other choice”, but I know I’m lying to myself. I just end up wallowing in self-pity over having lost the experience. Don’t be like me. I’m still trying to learn this one. It’s possible I never will.

You will hurt people. Don’t be afraid to apologize. Some of my actions ended up hurting people - some accidentally, some deliberately, some through sheer childishness. I’ve managed to apologize to most of the people I’ve hurt. A few have left this world before I got the chance, or the courage, to face my own failings. And in almost every case, it was my own failing that hurt them. Growth comes when we recognize our own failings, and learn to overcome them. And if we’re going to grow, we’ll need a good ecosystem - and that means friends, who may be hurting because of what we did.

Life is too short to spend with toxic people. There can be a case made that you become an “adult” when you no longer need to tolerate toxic people. This is especially the case regarding parents. I first cut my father out of my life (to my mother’s delight) when I was 11 and refused to come visit him over the holidays. Later we attempted a reconciliation - that experiment lasted 3 terrible years. Since then, I’ve exchanged maybe an hour’s worth of words with him, over three in-person visits and a few phone calls. I doubt I’ll attend his funeral, should he ever get his shit together enough to die.

Unfortunately, there will always be times when you have to tolerate toxicity. Usually at the workplace. The really nasty stuff can often be abated (but not always cured) with a trip to Human Resources - but not always. At least, not yet. Things in the workplace are better now than they’ve ever been, regarding this at least. One can only hope the trend continues.

Life is an experience. Don’t be afraid of it. Imagine yourself on a roller coaster. You’re locked into the car, and slowly it starts climbing the first hill - clack clack clack - and the ground is falling away, and ahead you see the turn. Excitement builds. You crest the hill - and pull quietly into the station. Oh boy, can’t wait to try that again, right? Life exists in the dips, the valleys, the turns and rolls.

Every day you keep pushing through, every day that you groan and pull yourself out of bed anyway, every day you curse while tying your shoes, pulls you kicking and screaming through life. I’m not going to promise you it’ll put you one day closer to your dream job, or one day closer to happiness, or contentment, or whatever. Life isn’t about reaching a goal. It’s an experience. And every day you keep moving, you get to keep having that experience - the highs and the lows. And the highs make the lows so very much worth it.

If you’re still hung up on my age, and think someone my age doesn’t belong on Tumblr, tell me - at what age are you going to give up your fandoms and delete your account?

#happy birthday #life #self care #mistakes

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douchebagbrainwaves · 8 years ago

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ANY SOCIETY OF THAT TYPE IS AWFUL TO LIVE IN A GIANT CITY OF THREE OR FOUR THOUSAND COMPLETE STRANGERS

Surround yourself with the sort of person who gets demoralized easily. But the students writing them don't realize they're using the same structure as the articles they read in Cosmopolitan. Partly because teenagers are still half children, and many of those look bad specifically because some change in the world. I think now it was the salt. Next I create a third hash table, this time mapping each token to the probability that the mail is spam. I never tried to separate my wants and weigh them against one another. It will be especially important to do i/o.

The spammers wouldn't say these things if they didn't sound exciting. If you based the probabilities on word pairs, you'd end up with special offers and valuable offers having probabilities of. For all practical purposes, succeeding now equals getting bought. The good ones help them a lot. We were already thinking about the kind of help that matters, you may also be ready to start that startup. The reason I haven't done this is that filtering based on word pairs, or even perhaps look where he's going while he's thinking about some interesting question. Startups hate this as well, anyway, if a backup system doesn't rely on the same technology as the primary system. Startups generally need to raise some amount of bullshit in your life by tricking you is no one's fault but your own.

Etc, etc squared. What if you quit your job to start a startup now, because the top VC funds have better brands, and can also do more for their portfolio companies. But in the US at least they don't have much confidence in the writer. As well as gaining points by distancing oneself from unpopular kids, one loses points by being close to them. NPR values, you can't do it half-heartedly. Larry and Sergey say you should come work as their employee, when they didn't get jobs themselves? That doesn't mean you can ignore the economy. If nuclear winter really is here, it may not be a difference in degree, but a famous speaker. It's good to have a nice feeling of accomplishment fairly soon. I think if you looked around you'd find that a lot of what looks like work. A lot of the brain of the filter.

Raising an angel round and an A round from a good VC fund, I usually advise them to take the A round. They're like undervalued stocks. They dress to look good. I could rewrite the language if I wanted. Even Google is afflicted with this, apparently. Work on an ambitious project you really enjoy, and sail as close to the wind as you can. The practice isn't dishonest; founders know what's going on.

Knuth pointed out long ago that speed only matters in a few big successes. But rebelling presumes inferiority as much as other kids about popularity, being popular would be more interested in an essay about the mistakes that kill startups, and curiously enough protecting yourself against obsolete beliefs is exactly what you were doing, how well could they get past you? In big companies, all the things we describe as addictive are. I had, I would consider this problem solved. Will Filters Kill Spam? We've now been doing Y Combinator long enough to have some data about success rates. If a super-angel, who operates like an angel, and some ability to ferret out the unexpected must not merely be an inborn one.

Notes

But so many had been campaigning for the same attachment to their kids won't listen to God. If asked to come in and convince them.

There are a better strategy in terms of the most abstract ideas, they said. In any case. In reality, wealth is measured by what one delivers, not just for her but for a year of focused work plus caring a lot about some disease they'll see once in their target market the shoplifters are also several you can't easily get a good product.

There's nothing specifically white about such customs. Actually it's better to get something for which you ultimately need if you do a scatterplot with benevolence on the other extreme—becoming demoralized when investors reject you. There is always raising money, you can charge for. 25.

More generally, it tends to be so obsessed with being published. An accountant might say that IBM makes decent hardware. The trend of VC angel investing is so hard to make fundraising take less time, default to some abstract notion of fairness or randomly, in which you can't, notably ineptitude and bad outcomes have origins in their graphic design. Most word problems in school, because those are guaranteed in the Valley itself, and that you were doing Bayesian filtering in a large number of discrepancies currently blamed on various forbidden isms.

You can get done before that.

It is a bad idea was that professionalism had replaced money as a consulting company is presumably worth more, and spend hours arguing over irrelevant things.

The reason the US is partly a reaction to drugs.

Someone proofreading a manuscript could probably starve the trolls of the deal for you; you're too busy to feel guilty about it.

It will seem to have to solve the problem, we should worry, not you.

The second biggest regret was caring so much to seem big that they violate current startup fashions. Plus one can have margins big enough, maybe they'll listen to God. That's very cheap, 1/50th of a country richer; if there were about 60,000 sestertii apiece for slaves learned in the definition of property.

The two guys were Dan Bricklin and Bob Frankston. Our rule is that their explicit goal at Y Combinator is we can't improve a startup's prospects by 6.

Thanks to Sam Altman, Robert Morris, Jason Freedman, and Paul Buchheit for sparking my interest in this topic.

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wishingfornever · 6 years ago

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12/24/2017 – No Contact: Upswing at Work

Today was good. Or yesterday was, rather. Saw Diana again and ended up working with her. She gave me a ride home. I want to ask her if she’s single and try to get something started but I’ll text her on my next day off. She’s been nice, but I’m aware I can get annoying. I think she’s fucking hilarious so I’d rather not have her pull an Esther and stop talking to me.

Current time is 1:47. It’s late. Adela is already in bed. I… pigged out today. Had a bunch of candy and chips. I REALLY shouldn’t have, but I was in such an upbeat mood. Like, I was super energetic. I felt a bit drained… but I cheated. I grabbed a monster energy coffee during break. It kept me going which is what I was hoping for.

I also got a five dollar tip. That helped. And a couple of ladies wrote down my name and they’re putting in a good word for me on the survey. It’s nice. They called on the phone and I was so energetic, I was the reason they came in. I’ve wound down now, of course, but… damn. Today was nice.

I should have texted Diana, but I don’t want to come off as too overbearing. Besides, I might work with her tomorrow. That’d be nice. She speaks Spanish, unlike my illiterate ass. I swear, I’m getting worse. I have yet to continue my lessons. I don’t like doing my lessons with Adela here. She is kinda judgmental and I don’t need that right now. Normally, I’m fine with that but after what’s happened I’ve found I’ve become more sensitive as of late.

Rocky stuff. I’m running out of food but Adela doesn’t really work at all this week. Just one day. I haven’t seen her yesterday except super late at night. Or super early yesterday, if you count it. Sort of like right now. I guess this counts for yesterday to me. Doesn’t matter what I think it is. Measuring days by when I wake up to when I go to sleep. That’s far simpler.

I noticed Diana has tattoos. She has a sweater that says “My Chemical Romance” so I think I know her type. Ironically, that reminds me of Dennis because he was into that emo shit too. I think I only like one or two of their songs. Most of it is kind of… meh. Not that I ever told him to turn it off. I tried to be polite.

Anyways, I suspect Diana thinks I’m either on drugs or I’m a super cheerful and happy guy. I think she’d be surprised if she knew the truth and the thoughts in my head are constant reflections of all my past mistakes and that my overly enthusiastic nature is a guise to hide the fact that I’m still torn up by losing Esther and every minute I want to scream out and cry. But I hide it. To her, I’m smiling and charming. She doesn’t need to know. Not even Ariel knows.

It’s hard to stay strong. It’s hard to stay afloat in this sea. It’s… difficult to look forward. Work is worst when I have no other option but to confront my own thoughts. There is a lot of time for thinking while working retail. I think too much perhaps… or perhaps I’m not thinking enough. My brain switches to autopilot. Hidden away, Esther lingers. Everything reminds me of her, everything tells me that she would enjoy this thing before me, everything revolves around her. Perhaps she’s replaced my conscience. Interesting idea, no? There is no good or evil thoughts in my head. Just the thought the lingering idea that Esther once existed in my life. I need to get over it, but I can’t. I can’t endure the silence. The silence grows louder and is piercing. My thoughts echo her face, her voice, our life together. Thus, I need noise. Something to break the ambiance. A busy day. A successful day. The computers didn’t crash but nearly did. The customers were polite and patient. It was a good day. It was a busy day. It was a day I needed.

Of course, what I don’t need is all the food. I purchased 7 dollars worth. Not a good rate to purchase if I do it daily. I skipped breakfast because I’m a terrible person and I’m bad with time. I made it to work and I wasn’t late, but I didn’t have time to just sit down and eat. Thus, I pigged.

Two snowballs, a cup of velveeta shells, and pringles. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. After work, I had candy. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! And of course, heavily sugared monster energy coffee. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Yeah, diet is slowing down. I measured myself this week. Didn’t gain but nor did I lose. Baaaaaaad sign. Very bad. And I can almost guarantee that I gained after today. That sugar sticks with you. I need to stop getting sugar, but… I couldn’t help myself. I wanted Snowballs yesterday so I grabbed them today. I like the marshmallows and the coconut.

Of course, I’m also drinking a bit more than 1500 ml of water a day. How much is that? Not sure. I think 1.5 liters but I don’t know metric because I’m a dumb fucking American and shit can’t be easy because muh freedoms.

Metric is so nice. I wish we used it. :/

Regardless, I try to drink a lot of water. My lips get so dry while at work. I wear this dumb Christmas hat, too. It’s warm and I sweat a lot. I don’t do well in the heat. I stepped outside earlier today just to embrace the cold. It helped a bit but I couldn’t continue the rest of my shift with the hat on.

I want to ask Diana out on a date… thing is, I don’t have a car and I still don’t know if she has a boyfriend. It wouldn’t be anything serious because… well, Ariel, but I still think Diana would be fun to hang with. Oh, maybe she’d watch a movie with me. I need to talk to her more first. Maybe I’ll ask her out on January. We’ll see.

We should see a movie. Maybe the Death of Stalin if it’s still playing. Should see a horror, but eh. I want to talk to her about COMMIE-ISM!!! Of course, she won’t be on board and politics is hard to bring up on a first date. That’ll make me appear crazy for sure. However, I think it’d be fun. Like with Esther, if she wants nothing to do with me hopefully she’ll be better off after she’s met me at least.

I won’t bring up Esther. Maybe if she talks about past relationships. I MIGHT do the Narcissist thing and just tell her that my friends fucking backstabbed me and ruined my relationship for their own gains. But that’ll be only if she asks about my past relationship. Of course, the thing is that the thing with Esther? That? You know, the thing that jumpstarted this journal which will lead to a Tumblr blog? That thing? The event? That? I’m sort of in Texas partly because of that. And also partly because I can’t stand my own family. So, it’ll be hard to not bring up but it should be easy to put down again. Hopefully. I don’t know Diana that well. We’ll see.

My mom is coming out in THREE days. I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. However, I REALLY don’t want to see her right now. I don’t want to see anyone from my nuclear family. I haven’t spoken to my dad since I left. And you know what? I don’t regret it.

I’ve acknowledged that my dad will probably die anytime soon and that the last time we spoke may perhaps be the actual last time we spoke. After what’s happened between us… perhaps it’s better this way. My dad still loves me but he emasculated me in front of Esther. He fosters this… hostile environment. It’s not healthy.

So, I guess I’m going to go Esther on him and avoid him. Of course, I’m not as dedicated as Esther. I’ll text my mom or sister to tell him I said “Merry Christmas” or something. Honestly, I hate Christmas. Not just because of Communism but because… well, gross. I hate Christmas songs and all the mirth and joy. I HATE Christmas. I hate it. Christmas is an obligation. It’s a tradition I’d rather let die.

However, people at work think I love Christmas. I don’t, but they don’t know that. I am so jolly and cheery people can’t help but smile. I guess it’s good for them but… eh. Let them assume. The customers are happy and my coworkers don’t have to know my personal business. Not that it matters, I’ve been talking up a storm today.

Regardless, I hate Christmas. The loss of Esther just makes Christmas even worse. I dread to imagine what New Years will be like. And then the 18th… then the 20th… The 18th is Esther’s birthday. The 20th is when we met in person. Two days after her birthday. Things were better then. Maybe. We were so hopeful then.

Of course, I was fearful at the time because I had nowhere to take her. I was DREADING bringing her home to see my parents. They’re overwhelming and my dad… well, he’s not the easiest person to get along with. I felt like I died when I came back. That was why I isolated myself so much. It’s a bad environment. I never want to go back there ever again. Hopefully, I never will. I know I will, of course… I’ll get my truck and other things. Some things, I’ll need. Pants, clothing, all these things that will fit me. A new wardrobe. How exciting.

But I need to tolerate it. I’ll be called back, I just don’t know when. It’s like I’m waiting for my own execution but the date is a surprise. If I go back, I might pick a fight with Dennis, just for giggles. I probably won’t but it’s fun to consider. “Oh, but what about the apologies and the blah blah blah!” Yeah, I know what I said but it doesn’t change the fact that he still STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING BACK!!! Like, you don’t date a friend’s ex. You don’t do what he did. There are codes of ethics. Bros before hoes. What he did is something you don’t do. You also don’t allow your friend’s relationship to go to shit. You help your friends, regardless of what Esther thinks. This is what guy friends are supposed to do.

Yeah, I’ve forgiven him but that doesn’t mean he didn’t do me wrong. Esther is an idiot, blinded by oxytocin. If she didn’t fall for his self-pity bullshit, then things would have been better. Like, that’s the only reason why she’d be SO FUCKING UNREASONABLE. When it fades, she’ll be more easier to approach. Of course, I didn’t realize that until recently so I bet I’ve still lost my chance. Not the point.

Still, Dennis is still a fucking asshole. I will say this now: He doesn’t deserve Esther. That’s not the oxytocin I have for her speaking. That’s the lingering anger I have for Dennis. Again, I feel so betrayed and he did nothing to even rectify his actions.

And of course Shane… Shane fucking STIRRED THE POT!!! He played me. I believed in him. He pushed me to think that Dennis was worse than he actually was. I’ll admit, what he did was pretty bad but I thought he was FAR worse. I was an idiot. Shane was trying to get into Esther’s pants. The losers I associated with… they see a pretty girl, and suddenly friendship means NOTHING. Fucking feeding frenzy of sharks.

Loyalty is pretty important to me. Shane is worse than Dennis in my eyes. Dennis was guilty of allowing things to turn bad. Shane actively made things worse. Daniel, of course… well, he is lost in his own right. I was sincere with Daniel. Dennis has always hated him. Of course, Daniel is Dennis’s brother so loyalty is important to him too.

It’s a shame. Maybe Daniel will see what a poor brother Dennis has been. I remember when we were drinking and Dennis began crying about how horrible his life is. Daniel immediately shot him down because he was sent to juvenile hall for something stupid. Basically stripped of his family and rights at a young age. Dennis can’t compete with that, really.

Dennis had that coming. Self-pity infuriates me. Of course, I guess I’m a hypocrite. Look at where I am now with this dumb journal.

Of course, I don’t pity myself. I pity what I became in the face of tragedy. I’m dealing with loss that I could have prevented. The lingering idea of regret. I have only myself to blame, even though I’m still bitter with Dennis and Shane. They weren’t the best friends. Our friendship is forfeit and their to blame. My life has taken a turn for the worse, however, and I’m the only one to blame for that. My past friends? They’re simply a symptom to the larger issue.

It’s almost the end of a hard year. 2018 will be better for me. I am without expectations but I’m not without hope. Hope is my final luxury. I hope either next year or the year after or the year after… Esther will talk to me again. She’ll see my apology. She’ll forgive me. She’ll move on and I’ll move on as well. I need our lives to end on good terms. This is my struggle.

Dennis… I can live without his forgiveness. I won’t apologize to Dennis for what I’ve done or said. Not because I think I was right but because he doesn’t think he’s done wrong himself. He freed himself of blame through peculiar means. He will never be my friend again. Shane DEFINITELY won’t be my friend ever again.

I’ve lost them both, but I see their losses as necessary. They were unhealthy for me. Esther… she was healthy. She sought good health, she was filled with honest intentions. She has a good heart. She’s just angry at me right now. She hates me right now… but she means well. Her heart belongs to the world. She’s grounded. Centered. Her loss was not necessary but our parting was inevitable. I wasn’t ready to change. I had so much holding me back. Now… not so much. I have my eyes to the horizon. What I’ll find… I don’t know. I just need to move forward.

I wonder how much longer I’ll be haunted by Esther’s spectre. The small things that remind me of her… they seem to be infinite. It feels impossible to move on but I know I will.

Oh, something about Dennis. More me shitting on him, but she said that Dennis gets randomly punched by strangers for being brown. I know for a fact that she hasn’t seen this in person. The reason being is because the Racist doesn’t punch people. They’re actually similar to Dennis in the sense that they like to play the victim. I know this because I troll A LOT and one of my favorite targets is the Racist. Listen to them speak. They’ll insist that they’re the victims. Confront them and they’ll back down and claim that you’re worse than they. They won’t confront you unless they know they’ll win. Dennis is a large man. Round. A lot of mass. He usually travels with his family, so you’d confront a pack. And you’d have to both be in public. Not a lot of alleyways where we live but maybe in Reno? Again, unlikely.

Of course, Dennis isn’t like the Racist in the sense that he’s a terrible human being who wants to insight mass violence. Their similarities end at self-pity, you see. Insistence on being the victim. Dennis feeds off sympathy because he has a low self-esteem. Racists feed off sympathy because it’s their only means to progress their agenda.

Humans are naturally cowardly. This is because if humans were naturally brave, we’d be extinct. It’s not the survival of the fittest, it’s the survival of ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!! The idea that you have to be the strongest to survive is dumb. You don’t need to be strong, you just need to survive. The idea that the survival of the fittest was proposed by Darwin is dumb because I’m fairly certain that quote is misattributed.

Anyways, the Racist is a cowardly person. They feign bravery. When they talk shit, they speak to hear themselves. They build themselves up. So, another reason why they won’t RANDOMLY punch someone. Because that someone might punch back. They need to convince themselves to overcome the fear of getting punched back. It’s harder than it sounds.

But, Esther believes Dennis is constantly harassed for being brown. Ask Daniel if he’s constantly harassed for being brown. Ask my mom. Ask his mom. Ask FUCKING ANYONE ELSE!!! Esther is gullible. But that’s because she has honest intentions.

Dennis is generally dishonest. Because… low self-esteem, yes. Good work, Class. He likes to fib and tell exaggerations because he’s always been overweight. He was a nice guy, of course, but he told A LOT of lies. I’m sure he still does. He claims his father was dishonest too, but I doubt this. His dad died while I was in Texas. I was hoping to visit his grave but that chance has passed.

Of course, I’m reminded by one of our outings when I came back from Texas. We were drinking and I was sad about my cat because I HAD JUST LOST HER so she’s fresh in my mind. His dad died a year or two prior. I think it may have been before or during when I worked at the cemetery. He constantly brought it up whenever I wanted to talk about my cat and how his dad was more important.

Like… that’s unfair. I didn’t have time to mourn my cat. I was trying to mourn then. I was there when his dad died. Or at least, I listened. Of course, the loss of a human life sucks but the way he treated me when I lost my cat… it was inexcusable.

Of course, now I’m just ranting. I’m in a bad mood now. I’m not sure why Dennis did that. I suspect the alcohol had something to do with it, but fuck… just give me a minute.

Dennis wasn’t really a good friend. I know this now. He was great fun to talk to but he wasn’t very supportive. Like, at all. Good memories with him, but… fuck. Ignoring his betrayal, just everything else he’s done. Of course, he’s been telling Esther all these cool things he and I did while in Susanville. Not to say he and I didn’t do fun things, but… I don’t remember doing a lot of fun things in Susanville.

I suspect what he’s been telling her is falsehoods. Which is fine, it doesn’t really matter. However, for the sake of honesty, we didn’t really go out much. When we hung out, we basically stayed around his house. Played video games. Very seldom did we actually go outside. When we did, it was normally a short and uneventful walk. Or working for his dad. Like, we were part of these efforts to remove a tree stump from his yard. That was interesting.

In town, we never really hung out anywhere beyond food places. Like, we ate out a lot. That’s about it. Never really went to the park or anything. Every now and then, Adriana would have us drive somewhere like Sacramento and the ride there and back was usually the eventful part. But we were on the road in my truck.

Esther is gullible. She’ll believe anything he says right now. If she and I reconnects, I’d like to ask her about some of these stories. I’ll confirm or deny them. Despite what it seems, I’m not trying to paint Dennis out as a liar (at least not with these stories). It’s just I’m thinking about it now. We have all these stories around town and I’m thinking, “When?” There is a decent chance some of these stories are true, but not all. In fact, the true stories are probably the minimum. The stories I tell of me and Dennis involve either Reno or my truck. If it involves leaving the truck, then it’s probably false.

We’re introverts. He is DEFINITELY an introvert. Thus, our adventures were minimum. Ironically, some of the adventures we have I had to start. I was impulsive like that. There are certainly good memories, but I feel the memories he remembers are different from my own. Especially if they’re around town.

Anyways, sorry for ranting. The subject won’t die. It can’t die. Not until I get closure with Esther. For now, it’ll just fade. Never quite disappearing but it won’t be as vibrant as it once was.

Oh, I just got in a debate with a fascist. I missed this. It wasn’t really a debate, he knew nothing about Hitler and Fascism. It was simple, he spammed pictures with words on it and I engaged him. I was very polite and sincere and gave him an opportunity to reveal what he liked about Fascism. I asked him loaded questions. I asked if he thought Fascism was compatible with Capitalism. This is loaded because I wasn’t specific. If he said, “No, Fascism isn’t compatible with Capitalism” I’d bring up Francisco Franco who is, arguably, the most successful Fascist and has said that Fascism and Capitalism can work together. However, he said, “Yes.” I quoted Hitler saying the Jews are Capitalists and Capitalists are vermin that needed to be stamped out. I mean… it was a bit more tame than I’m making it sound, really. It was more an address to attack the “free press” of Germany. After a bit of a scuffle, he vanished and I tried changing the topic to Nationalism. Fascists LOVE Nationalism. They love bolstering and proclaiming their race is the one true race. What they don’t love is how I love shooting down their pure race fantasies. I intend to ask him about Spain and Iran. Will probably ask about Iran first. The purpose is because Iran was where the “Aryan” race came from. HOWEVER, most Nazis view Iranians unfavorably. Which is a shame because Hitler decreed that ALL Iranians are official citizens of Nazi Germany. The Iranian embassy saved 1500 Jews during the Holocaust. They had the power to do this because they were considered equals because they were the original Aryans. Golly, being Racist is hard.

Hrm, this guy seems to be a cop. American; former military veteran. This dude has a power fantasy. Still, not sure how serious he is about Fascism. Is he trolling? Hard to tell.

Whatever the case, I’m going to push him towards STALINISM. He doesn’t like Marxism, but Stalinism is basically the most conservative and nationalist of the Communist ideologues. He’d be more open to it than Marxism. Of course, he knows nothing about Fascism so I suspect he is a joke without a punchline. Regardless, I had fun while it lasted. He’s ultra religious. Or maybe it’s still a shtick he’s committed to? Hard to tell, he seems pretty serious but the Fascist tends to back out when they realize they’ve lost.

Mind you, I was expecting him to point out how I twisted his words at one point. He said he disagreed with what I was saying about Hitler being anti-capitalist. I twisted that (because he was vague) to make it sound like he disagreed with his previous statement having said, “Yes.” The thing is, he tried to make me sound racist early on involving the word (Trigger Warning; lol) “Nigger.” He shared a link from Che Guevara that was a bit racist originally but embellished to be SUPER racist. Just slight wording differences. Doesn’t take much, tbh.

Regardless, when I pointed out Che was Spanish-Irish racially, he blasted me and implied I said, “Only blacks are niggers!” and spouted off how he was Black Lives Matter. Lel, no. I shot that down and brought up the word “Kike” and said that me calling him a Kike means I’m calling him a Jew and not anything else because of the word’s origins. I said “People of color” in that post which is a term I don’t feel like using but I use because saying “African-American” indicates that I’m DEFINITELY American. I don’t like revealing too much information about myself, so I chose to take on the PC route, especially since I was approaching him gently so I could slap him around longer.

He went on about how whites have all these different eye and hair colors and I chose to ignore it to let him know that the Western standards for a race is different from other nations like Kosovo where Albanians and Serbs are different races but have the same skin color.

He kept insisting he was going to get banned, but I let him know that I was the only person there to listen to him ramble and I intended to educate him because education is a machine that kills Fascism. I thought it was a clever quote, but I’m certain it pissed him off.

Fascists are like candy bars. They’re all the same and you certainly know the flavor. Sometimes, it’s filled differently than other candy bars but it’s not too difficult to imagine what they’ll all taste like. Snickers has peanuts, twix has a cookie, and Nazis… well, this one is more Nationalist than Economist. This means he’s basically interested in Fascism because he believes he’s the chosen one. It’s part of his power fantasy. He is naturally superior than me, though he has yet to prove it. Unfortunately, being superior isn’t enough when it comes to knowledge. Thus, when asking him about other bits of Nazi information he can’t do it.

Basically, I feed off his weaknesses. His weakness is his belief that he doesn’t need to know anything beyond the fact that he’s special. Nazis who actually educate themselves can be rather rare, but they’re never FULLY educated. What they read is “Mien Kampf” by Hitler but they don’t actually see what he did that didn’t involve the Jews. They don’t research what Nazi Germany did that wasn’t totally involved in the War Effort. It’s harder to find and honestly doesn’t come up much.

This is why the “Iranians were Honorary Citizens in Nazi Germany” is important. It’s a bit of information that Nazis don’t really find because it’s HARD to find. Honestly, it’s not that important which is why it’s necessary. What Nazis don’t discover is what you need to discover. In a war of facts, the facts that aren’t used are the most dangerous. And even better, bring up facts from OTHER Fascists and it’ll just inspire more chaos.

I am confident that I can argue with ANY Nazi and will find victory. They’ll always back down or yell fruitlessly and will lose control. It’s great. Fascists want the world but they don’t know how to get it. They don’t know much of anything, really.

Oh, he liked one of my comments. The Hitler quote. Yeah, he backed down but he’s trying not to appear offended. The purpose of the SINGLE like is to show that he’s not hurt and is TOTALLY light-hearted. It’s to save face. If he likes a post and leaves, he’s not coming back or is signaling that he’ll return later. If he likes and then comments, he’ll comment light-heartedly as if we were sooooooooo civil. Ass kissing is a common ploy. If a Fascist tries to flatter you then know that it’s empty words and feigned submission.

I haven’t spoken to a Nazi in person for a while. Last time was in Amarillo. It’s great. They’re braver on the internet. Go figure. Then again, I’m 6 feet tall with 3 feet broad shoulders. I’m not a pushover. Fortunate to be brawn and brains. ;)

It’s 5:30 in the morning. Christ, it’s time for bed. Hopefully he’ll come back and I’ll slap him around some more. Before I go, a little tip for arguing with Nazis: Don’t worry about being wrong. If you’re on the attack, the Nazi will seldom notice. For example, I said, “Private property has nothing to do with the free market” and he never brought it up for debate. The reason for this is because he’s not looking to attack or counter-attack. He’s on the defensive so he’s defending his ideals. If you’re on the defensive verbally, you can’t just change the topic.

I blatantly changed the topic, but the reason I did that was because I presented a topic that’s easier to attack while merging it with what he criticized which was Black Lives Matter. Saying, “Since you're super into Black Lives Matters, then certainly you've heard of the glory that is Marxism, yes?” This implies Black Lives Matters is the same as Marxism and because he’s clearly an opponent to both, the change he saw was minimal. The push into Marxism lead him to blatantly say, “Marxism is dumb! I’ll get banned by Facebook now!” Paraphrasing, obviously, but that’s basically his response except he posted several pictures proclaiming Fascism as the virtuous ideology.

Thus, I used that to my advantage by asking him “It’s clear you like Fascism, but what do you like most about it?” I gave him a platform to speak which is something you shouldn’t do, but this is more like a trial. He think he’ll spread the good word when in reality everything he says will be used against him. He thought he was in control and when he realized he wasn’t, that’s when he backed down. I asked questions and he answered. Then when he answered, he was asked different questions that further branched away from the original topic. The ball was originally in his court but by me giving him some space, he moved the ball into my court.

His arrogance didn’t see the immediate threat. This means he’ll blindly charge ahead without realizing the risk at hand. He knows nothing about me, which is good. His acts are predictable because people don’t stand up to Nazis. They lose their temper immediately because just the idea of someone being a Nazi triggers people.

Don’t lose your temper. If you’re being blasted, then don’t lose yourself. The Nazi will twist your words to make you sound like a bad guy. Don’t deflect the conversation but guide it. It’s a slow build up to turn his offense against him. The conversation is a curve; not an angle. The Nazi wants you to be upset and it’s not enough to blatantly say, “I’m not upset.” When you say, “I’m not upset” that’s announcing that you’re in denial and you don’t want to appear angry when it’s already too late.

Instead, ignore your frustration. If they say you’re angry, shrug it off. Be sarcastic. Be witty. Show that you’re unphased. It’s not what you say but how you say it. What I did, to lower the Nazi’s guard, was end every response up until I went on the offensive with a “:D” emoji. At the end, I used it again to encourage him to respond. A smiling face is non-hostile. So, the coward isn’t afraid. It’s basically berries in a trap. Unfortunately, he didn’t chew his leg off but it affected him regardless.

Tomorrow, he’ll still won’t respond. I’ve already won and he’s aware that I know more about Fascism than he does. If he answers my questions, he’ll be shot down again. The smartest decision he’s made is to stop responding. The thing is, this will discourage him from posting more of his Fascist nonsense. Even if he ran off to comment about the glories of Fascism elsewhere, he’ll do so with far less confidence. He’ll become more skiddish and will be less of a problem for others.

I think I might share the entire conversation tomorrow, if it’s still up. It will probably be less annoying than the movie reviews but not by much. It’ll be educational too. I miss picking on Nazis. It’s refreshing. They view me as a lesser person if a person at all. I’m half-Mexican and a Marxist. If I still used my old picture, I look SUPER Latino. I look like an easy target because they think all Marxists are dumb. They don’t think much of the average Marxist mostly because those who claim to be Communist don’t actually know what Communism is.

I’ve mentioned that before. They associate Communists with people on Tumblr (somewhat ironic considering you’re reading this on Tumblr). Social Justice Warriors? Totally Communist, at least by their eyes. The stereotype that the SJW’s are irrational and quick to cry is their bane. A good Communist is a well-versed Communist. You need to educate yourself on a lot because as a Communist, you’ll have enemies… everywhere. In the US, Fascists are seen more favorably than Communists. Antifa is viewed as worse than Hitler by right wing media.

The Alt-Right (which are American Fascists, even if they’re not Nazis or Racists though I suspect many actually are by the strict definition of one or both words) demean Communists and denounce all Communists by comparing them to Stalin. I’m not a Stalinist, not that they care about branches. However, I will always be compared to Stalin. Because the best example is the worst example. Juche Korea (or North Korea) is a perfect example of Communism to the West. Except the government has denounced Marxism-Leninism. It’s “Obsolete” in Korea. Communism has many forms and shapes. Stalinism, which is what I wanted to bring Fuck-Face into, is basically Fascism-Communism. I don’t encourage Stalinism. Modern Communist thought has become FAR more compatible with other ideals. For example, one hundred years ago, Anarchists were a threat to the Communist idea. Now? There are the Anarcho-Communists or AnCom. I believe Antifa is big on AnCom but I don’t think it’s a requirement.

There is a point to all this. The enemy of the Communist is ignorant of Communism. But the biggest threat for Communism is not the enemy of the Communist but the ignorance of the Communist himself. Knowledge is more powerful than a rifle.

I find it ironic. I posted a picture of a pencil with “This machine kills fascists” on the side. The Nazi saw it and thought, “That’s the enemy. I must fight him.” He failed to understand that the purpose of the picture was to show that knowledge destroys Fascism. Crush ignorance and you crush the Fascist. He was outmatched before it even began.

Poetic, no?

Still Christmas Eve. So tired. Today feels incomplete. Not good. Work that is.

Max is not doing so well, either. Blood in his stool. Not sure what’s wrong. My cousin blames herself because she keeps feeding him treats.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking of Esther a lot. Last year, she had a hard Christmas. Spent it alone, basically. Family issues. I won’t get into details because this will be public someday and I don’t want Esther to hate me EVEN MORE than she already does. Though, I’ve confessed that other things have happened to her already. Guess there is no winning.

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