#“trans men lived a female experience whether they liked it or not” “oh so you hate trans women and think trans men are women?” GUYS OP

[undeniablereckoningart]

god twitter is gonna be the death of me

[lesbiankrem]

Weekes accidently getting Krem's story accurate to the lesbian and/or cross dressing man experience is because he based Krem's story on Pratchett's Monsterous Regiment. A story where every single character save one is revealed to be a cross dressing girl or woman. Gendies have latched onto that book despite its themes being the opposite of what they believe. Even his daughter doesn't get it.

Oh wow that makes a lot of sense.

And once again they look at women trying to be more than the gendered roles and cultural swamps of sexism we're drowning in and say: "wow! Look at those ones! They aren't real women. Can't be, they don't dress or act like Women(tm) do. Cool. Must be something else... men? Nonbinary?"

You really do have to aggressively lean into saying "I'm woman" every other sentence or do femininity calculus and be sure to keep up enough to outweigh each gnc choice to keep yourself from getting posthumously trans'd or enby'd with these people. Whether you're a living woman or a female character.

That may be why, as cute as it genuinely is, it always pissed me off how they just had to stick little hearts on Cassandra's armor, make her really into romance novels, have her do little high pitched giggles sometimes (end credits). It's cute! It reads true! I like her character! But I have a sneaking suspicion they subconsciously felt so much like doing it from that "femininity vs gnc" calculus mindset to keep her "girly" enough to be a "cis" she/her woman to them.

Every last one of their "cis" female characters I have seen so far don't get near as stylistically and behaviorally gender nonconforming as Krem is allowed to be with a trans identity. This is telling.

[loki-zen]

thinking about an old post of mine that inspired minor drama relatively recently (by being taken out of context and accused of being TERFy, as ppl do), and how the feelings it was about have changed over time.

the point of contention was basically me writing about how trans women didn’t feel like Representation to me, as a “woman” (retrospective scare quotes).

that is to say that - whatever it is you are supposed to feel, as a woman, when someone is like the First Woman To Blah, or when women get to be badass in a movie for a change* - a trans woman wouldn’t make me feel it.

In the fictional context it would be more like, idk, more and better black people representation — a feeling of “I definitely think everyone should have this stuff, and moreover that art should delve into the complexity of all human experiences not just those of a narrow demographic, and so I approve, but I couldn’t claim to have a personal connection to the Representation(tm) side of this, I don’t in any sense beyond empathy with another human (and perhaps their particular traits and/or circumstances beyond demographic markers) see ‘me’ reflected on the screen.”

and in the nonfictional context it was maybe ‘worse’ - I just felt like a lot of the time it wasn’t the same thing at all? like, if you accept as a premise that the reason any random woman is supposed to care about the First Woman To Blah is because it represents breaking through barriers that she (the random woman) had been subjected to all her life — then I very much felt like my experience of that had always been of people pointing to things that they thought were innately, biologically, unchangeably true about the sort of body that gets you assigned female at birth as the reason I should be gatekept from stuff. I felt like the same people who gatekept me from stuff would be, if anything, pushing trans women towards it in the belief that they were men and should do Man Things. I do get now that it’s a lot more complicated than that. And even at the time I certainly knew the fact of being trans could and would be a huge discrimination barrier, I just figured that this was a different barrier. But obviously also there are just trans women out there living as women and getting discriminated against as woman because bigots aren’t parsimonious and also trans status is hardly universally accurately discernible.

(* which presumably I must have felt, at least somewhat and in some contexts back then in order to make the comparison. I seem to remember that I did. I’m not really taking a stance on whether or not I do now or in what situations bc tbh I’m really not sure)

and also i just on some level didn’t look at these girls and see someone who was like me and the thing is that these days I 100% do, and it’s all because I a know enough people now not to alieve any amount of the ‘lies to kids cis people’ version of what a trans woman is.

it was actually really harmful to my understanding of any of this to have it presented as if trans women were just AMAB women without any of the conflict and resentment around socially inhabiting a female identity that, to me, had always defined the experience of inhabiting a female identity.

so now i’m like oh yay other people who think gender is stupid but not in the same way as nonbinary people, inhabiting female social identities and feeling weird about it. Maybe someone else who revels in the weirdness of identifying with the ‘she’ in ‘suck her dick sunday’ as an expression of amused disdain about the notion that this is a juxtaposition and also because it feels nice to get your dick sucked! maybe not. but she’s ~me or close enough. cis chicks can be ~me too but tbh they’re on thin fucking ice. or maybe no one is. maybe Representation was stupid all along idk

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Still having a hard time articulating this in the cold light of day, but like something I've seen a lot is specifically femme AFAB non-binary people being treated as the "least trans" or "practically cis women" when it comes to speaking about their own experiences of transness, but then when trying to speak on the misogyny they experience being told "but I thought you weren't a girl."

And then there's this constant assumption that femme AFAB non-binary = not medically transitioning which. Hi, hello, that's me, actually. And do not fucking tell me that it's different - it honestly just feels so much like when people say "oh, but you're one of the good ones - you KNOW who we're talking about." Which uhh. Where were you when people were telling me that my medical transition didn't count or that I was basically a detransitioner lmao.

And very specific to my original post here: it's usually subtler things, things that even the best male feminists/allies often fuck up on, like physically talking over us or treating all conversations as a competitive sport where every proposition is met with a "no" first, or treating all things that are stereotyped as being common for femme AFAB non-binaries or even just our relationship to transness as a whole the same way that cis men react to fandoms with a large young female base. Like I've literally seen entire transmasc conversations about femme AFAB non-binaries that treat us like we're just gender weebs instead of people who are actually trans talking about their trans experiences.

It's fucking gross, man.

But like it often feels like femme AFAB non-binary people are one of the easiest targets for lateral aggression and misogyny, because it comes intuitively when you are treating them functionally like women yet you can deny it to yourself and others because we're not actually cis women. And while I occasionally see this from trans femme folks, it's a lot rarer. Usually if people are saying gross stuff it's coming from a more generally transandrophobic place rather than isolated to femme AFAB non-binary people. And I think that's because whether consciously or not, a fair number of transmasc folks will look at us as "basically like us (transmasc), but the girl version."

Anyway, I do *not* want this to blow up or turn into discourse because the reality is that we don't have the bandwidth to fully heal internally right now because we're still in the middle of a war on all trans people fighting for our lives and that sucks, but. y'know. It is what it is.

Honestly if we're going down the "petty lateral gripes that, in the scheme of things, are nowhere near as fucking critical to care about as the literal fascist transphobic tidal wave bearing down on all of us rn" rabbit hole, then I'd love to have a real conversation about how trans men and trans masc folks (including people I dearly love and respect and trust are not doing this intentionally) frequently are on their p's and q's about sexism with regards to actual women, but then redirect those attitudes towards femme AFAB non-binary folks instead? Because I have personally been on the receiving end of that so many fucking times from a huge variety of transmasc folks and it's so frustrating because it's so hard to call out or explain. But like there's this weird possessiveness over our experiences and identities that gives me the same vibes a lot of the time as the type of patronizing "our women" kind of rhetoric that happens from men of various groups. And that's on the positive side. On the negative side, there's the condescension, the infantilizing, the entitlement and like just a lot of stuff I never ever expect from people I generally trust and then am repeatedly blindsided with. It's like "what is this feeling? I am not liking the vibes of this encounter but can't put my finger on it but I know it feels hmm. Bad. oH WAIT I know exactly what this feeling is like. It's like talking to an older gentleman who has very specific ideas about how you treat a lady and how she should act, except that I'm definitely not a woman and this particular guy isn't denying that fact.

[13yearslater]

How my own attitude about being trans influences those around me

To follow up from my post about being stealth I wanted to talk about a very unexpected change in people’s reactions to me being trans.

To recap a little, I feared and almost expected rejection from others, I feared being treated and seen differently, I expected ridicule even if it was not done openly. I lived in a small town at the time and would go through cycles of finding a friendship group and after a while there would be gossip and rumours and a tension in the atmosphere; I knew they had heard something and it made me uncomfortable; I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to explain myself, I didn’t want being trans to be the forefront of who I was, I didn’t want to deal with people’s ignorance or intrusive questions, I didn’t want to have to explain it all yet again to people who just don’t understand, I didn’t want the attention, I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I just wanted to be seen as me and not through the lens of misconceptions and prejudices. Either I’d be outed, or I’d distance myself from that group before I was confronted or it became too uncomfortable for me. I felt stuck between being the novelty trans person or living stealth with the inevitable prospect of having my privacy snatched from me at any given moment. Not only did I hate being outed, but I hated that I had no control over the means that it was done, the language used, the explanation given. 

The attitudes of those around me at this time were not pleasant. I’d start to pick up on little comments and in-jokes that were told, not to me directly, but in my presence; a thinly-veiled nod to the fact they knew I was trans. There was a sneering hostility to it, a sense that they felt they had some sort of power over me. There were always people around any given corner who knew me from years gone by that were all too eager to either call me out directly in front of people or who felt it their duty to secretly inform those who knew me that I, fully male-appearing, sounding and bearded by this point, was “really a girl, I knew her at school and her real name is x!”. 

People rarely ever confronted or explicitly asked me about it but preferred to try and out me by force. There were two occasions I was held down by people as another rummaged through my pockets for my ID to confirm or deny their suspicions. There were times when friends would ask a question of the whole group, a question that was manufactured for me, that was unnaturally misplaced in the usual theme of conversation, with the intention of backing me into a corner, of observing my reaction, to see if I’d ‘confess’ or give anything away. There were times people grabbed my junk, times people touched my chest. There was an incident where someone used the handle of a walking-stick to hook between my legs, pull me to the ground and I saw as they watched to see if my reaction was proportional to having my testicles crushed. There were camping trips where I had to go home because every time I had to pee, someone would also have to pee and insist on following me; every time.

Of course, there were the rare more respectful people who would catch me alone and explain they’d heard something about me and ask if it was true. At which point I was able to say that something along the lines of yes, but I don’t like to talk about it and I’d appreciate if you could respect my privacy. Of course, they’d still tell others of their findings and the cycle of gossip and secret conversations would continue. 

It felt like a dirty secret, it felt like people wanted to catch me out. It was like a game to them and it was a big deal when they had finally managed to get the confirmation they were seeking and they had share this exciting information and compare notes with others. My humanity was completely lost in their quest to ‘expose’ me. 

Years later and in a new, similarly sized town, I am no longer strictly stealth. Me being trans doesn’t really come up and is rarely relevant to mention, but I won’t go to any effort to hide it. Those close to me know, others may or may not, I don’t care. I have no issue speaking of my experiences where I see fit to do so. I might repost a trans related news story on my Facebook wall or I might casually mention experiences in a conversation that only a trans person would experience. Whether that leads people to think I’m trans or just an ally, whether they ask, whether they don’t ask, I don’t care. If they want to know, I’ll tell them, it’s not a big deal.

The most striking thing I have noticed since I have stopped caring and stopped treating it like a big deal (and I don’t doubt that a change in times has had some part to play in this) is that no one else sees it as a big deal either. I set the tone. I control how I am outed, the language that is used and the way the message is delivered. When me being trans is not prefaced as a shameful secret but rather nonchalantly and casually disclosed mid conversation the reaction has always been similarly nonchalant. People rarely have invasive follow up questions and are far more respectful. The majority of reactions are generally along the lines of “oh ok, cool" and carrying on with the previous conversation or a shocked “wait, what, you’re trans!?” for which my reply is a casual “oh yeah, didn’t you know?”. The confusion of thinking I’m planning to transition to female is a common and funny one that I have to clarify. The way I disclose leaves little room for opinion or judgement, it is just a fact about me. It’s just not a big deal and it is no longer treated as such by anybody else.

Strangely, as a side note, I’ve also found men tend to share their insecurities with me more. From things about their appearances (are my ears too big, is my nose weird etc) to insecurities about their dicks; from embarrassing cysts on their penises to micropenises and more. Since having surgery on my own penis I’ve suddenly become the person to disclose all your penis worries to which was certainly unexpected.

[nerdygaymormon]

My Queer Playlist

Whether they’re upbeat & joyful or they convey pain & sadness, songs are a way to bond with a lot of people over something as amazing as queerness. Music has a power & ability to cut through, communicate something, & bring people together. Music can make being queer not so isolating. 

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my queer playlist.

It includes songs by LGBTQ performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBTQ topics & people, and songs that speak to the queer experience (that you’re not alone, the search for self acceptance, things get better, you’ve got one life so make the most of it, and things like strength, perseverance, & love overcoming odds). And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs. 

You’ll notice that as the years go on, the number of songs starts increasing as it became safer to be out & queer topics became more accepted. You’ll also see a shift from borrowing the songs of female empowerment to having actual LGBTQ people singing about their lives and feelings. 

-----------------------------------

1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Rainbows and dreaming of a better world--absolutely speaks to queer desires. When it was dangerous to be open about being gay, the term “friend of Dorothy” was a way for a gay people to identify each other. “Oh, you don’t know Bob? He’s a friend of Dorothy.”

1957 - Jailhouse Rock : Elvis Presley - This is a song about male inmates in prison dancing together. And there’s even a gay crush! Inmate Number Forty-seven said to Number Three “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.”  

1963 – You Don’t Own Me : Lesley Gore – This song is all about letting me be who I am and love who I love, stop trying to make me be someone I’m not. Lesley didn’t come out at the time as the music industry was homophobic, she eventually came out as a lesbian in 2005. 

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade : Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we? This song is about how we’ve got one life so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - Generations of closeted women & men could identify with the idea that queer love couldn’t last, it was too risky, so they’d take what they can. You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand. Dusty was a lesbian who didn’t talk about it much at the time in mainstream media for fear of losing her career.

1967 - Respect : Aretha Franklin - Aretha turned this song’s message of demanding respect for oneself into a universal declaration of pride and demand for equal treatment for blacks, for women, for LGBT people. She did things like perform at the Elton John AIDS benefit or a private wedding for a high-profile gay couple. 

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is take pride in your uniqueness and individualism.

1970 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough : Diana Ross –  Love conquers all obstacles if you have enough faith in yourself.

1972 – All the Young Dudes : Mott the Hoople – David Bowie wrote this song’s lyrics and sings on the chorus. The words sound like he’s calling for all the young (gay) dudes to come together. All the young dudes (I want to hear you) Carry the news (I want to see you) Boogaloo dudes (I want to talk to you, all of you) Carry the news (now) And there’s also this lyric that sounds like Lucy is a trans woman or a drag queen, but don’t bully them because Lucy will defend themselves. Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen. But he can kick like a mule, it's a real mean team

1974 - Rebel, Rebel : David Bowie - Part of what made Bowie beloved amongst the queer community is he was celebratory in how he portrayed androgyny and gender non-conformity and he was sexually ambiguous (bi? gay? straight?), while at the same time flaunting sexuality in everyone’s face. He exemplified the message to be yourself, even if you’re queer. This song’s lyrics include “You’ve got your mother in a whirl. She’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”

1976 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. There’s a delightful campiness to ABBA that has long-appealed to gay fans, and gay singers like Erasure, have covered ABBA songs. 

1976 - Somebody to Love : Queen - Freddie Mercury, who composed these lyrics, was gay. The question he keeps asking “Can anybody find me somebody to love?” could be about being gay in a society when any sexuality besides ‘hetero’ was frowned upon.

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - This is a song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant and who grew up feeling shame for who they are. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1978 - Macho Man : Village People - These lusty lyrics worship the muscled physique of the ideal macho man

1978 – I Love the Nightlife : Alicia Bridges – Alicia was out as a lesbian and this song is about going to the club and dancing the night away, which appealed to queer listeners because that’s the space where they would get to unabashedly & joyfully express themselves.

1978 - Got to be Real : Cheryl Lynn - If you stay real, you’ll find “real love,” in other words, be authentic and you’ll find authentic love. The song was prominently featured in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, which chronicles the ball culture of New York City and the African American & Latino gay and transgender community involved in it. There’s something deliciously ironic about Drag Queens strutting to the words about being “real”

1978 - I’m Every Woman : Chaka Khan - This song of female empowerment & strength appealed not only to women but also black and queer communities across the world because it is about taking on whatever roles you want. And it’s a favorite song for drag queens to lip sync & dance to as they can present themselves as “every woman.”

1978 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced this song that is a declaration of resilience & pride Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens migrating to big cities like New York (often after being kicked out by their parents). The YMCA’s provided cheap shelter for them. And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“

1979 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again.

1979 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. He’s singing the praises of someone who makes him feel good, validated and alive. The words about feeling real, those mean something to queer people.  

1979 - In the Navy : Village People - The United States Navy asked to use this song in a recruiting campaign, they thought it seemed like a catchy song praising the life of a sailor. They later decided against it when media started criticizing the use of taxpayer funds for a “gay” music group because it would further enhance the much-whispered talk of gay activity aboard ships, what with all these men stuck at sea with no women for long stretches at a time. 

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - A message of unity that resonates for queer people as we often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1979 - Go West : Village People - The song is about an imagined utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. Why “Go West?” In the USA that’s been the direction of freedom and opportunity, and plus San Francisco had become a gay mecca and it was on the West Coast.

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - A woman is alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 – Elton’s Song : Elton John - A moving piano ballad about a gay teenage boy’s hopeless crush on another boy. The song contains themes of heartbreak and shame. The video is enough to make me cry. This is from before Elton John was publicly out as gay

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - Having an openly gay man sing this song gave it layers of meaning. The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the fear & paranoia that became part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George had a 6-year relationship with the band’s drummer, Jon Moss. The relationship was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt because he wanted to be open about his love. While the song is about their secret relationship, the video is about being victimized for being gay. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges & politicians in the UK (most were closeted) who enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with over the top vocals that make it so good. What gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - I’m Still Standing : Elton John - These lyrics of showing a strong sense of endurance in the face of adversity is a theme that resonates with the queer community and is exemplified by Elton John, himself. 

1983 - Na Na Hey Hey : Bananarama - This remake of the 1969 song by Steam didn’t change the pronouns. This girl group is singing to a woman, asking her to leave her man because “He’ll never love you, the way that I love you”

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A man falls in love with a religious gay man who, because of what he was taught at church,  can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. If you’re living in a society distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy--embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1983 - I’ll Tumble 4 Ya : Culture Club - A light-hearted song about looking for someone to fall in love with sung by Boy George, the most famous man in drag in the 1980’s. 

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Karma Chameleon : Culture Club - If you’re a person who doesn’t take a stand because you don’t want to offend anyone by being true to who you are, then karma is gonna get you. Boy George was in a relationship with the drummer, who wasn’t out so it had to remain secretive. Their difficult lover-professional relationship was the inspiration for many lyrics in Culture Club songs, including the line, “You’re my lover, not my rival” in “Karma Chameleon.”

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly illegal and therefore usually portrayed in song & media by way of clever allusions, “Relax” was a song about gay sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world. The chorus was about delaying sexual gratification to increase pleasure ("Relax, don't do it when you want to come")

1983 - I Am What I Am : Gloria Gaynor - Gloria has taken this Broadway song and given it a disco/dance vibe. The song is about coming out of the closet and living life authentically.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - The video is a parody of the U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, including Freddie Mercury as a housewife while singing lyrics about wanting to break down the boundaries of acceptability. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1984 – Smalltown Boy : Bronski Beat – Wanting to escape the oppressive nature of a small hometown is something many queer kids long for. The song takes the pain of rejection and makes it danceable. What else makes this song notable is it’s from an openly gay group during the peak of the AIDS crisis.

1984 - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1985 - Lover Come Back to Me : Dead or Alive - The 1980’s synth, the huge hair, and a queer singer telling his lover to come back.

1985 - Living on My Own : Freddie Mercury - This video was too controversial at the time and was banned because it featured drag queens, transvestites, and other questionable people enjoying themselves at a party. The lyrics talk about being lonely & living on my own (which I don’t know if he meant it this way, but it’s a good way to describe how it feels being in the closet), but there’s got to be some good times ahead and the music matches that upbeat hope. 

1985 - Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves : Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin - It’s a feminist anthem that also has appeal as a song of lesbian empowerment

1985 - Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us) : Barbra Streisand - This song from the musical West Side Story is about love that is forbidden by society and dreaming of a place where such love is accepted, a theme queer people certainly understand.

1985 - Thank You for Being a Friend : Cynthia Fee - This song is on the list because it was the theme song for the TV show Golden Girls. When most people think of that show, they think of the 80′s fashions, cheesecake, the one-liners and showed older women as having sex drives. What the LGBTQ community remembers is that it had remarkably progressive outlooks on LGBTQ rights for its time, with nods to the AIDS crisis, coming out and even same-sex marriage. This video shows some Pride highlights from the show.

1985 - Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow : Freddie Mercury - The lyrics are about two lovers who are forced to go their separate ways, we’re not told why, but it’s clear the singer is sad about losing his beloved. This 2019 video is two white blood cells falling in love, only to have heartbreak ensue when one of them gets HIV. This video benefits the HIV/AIDS charity organization the Mercury Phoenix Trust (MPT). MPT was founded by Queen in memory of Freddie

1986 - Nikita : Elton John -  Elton John sings of his crush on a person called Nikita, an East German border guard whom he cannot meet because he is not allowed into the country. In the video, the guard is female, but the name Nikita is a male’s name.

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The lyrics are about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Whitney Houston - This is popular with the LGBTQ community. We wanna dance with somebody like us, so we go to gay clubs.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled. “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - So Emotional : Whitney Houston - This is a great pop song with lyrics that people can easily see themselves in. Whitney sang a lot of non-gender-specific songs, this being one of them. What we didn’t know at the time is that Whitney’s best gal pal had once been more than that, they cut out the physical part of the relationship when Whitney signed with Arista Records in 1982, but remained best friends, so there may be a reason she preferred to sing love songs without a gender. Also, as if the song isn’t iconic in its own right, I will always think of the epic lip sync performance by the drag queen Sasha Velour when I hear this song. 

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making the gender of the person they’re singing about ambiguous.

1987 - Father Figure : George Michael - The phrase “Father Figure” represents how someone can take on a paternal role, encouraging & inspiring another person. Many queer men suffer alienation & rejection from their fathers. As one of these men begins to explore emotional intimacy with another man, the singer assures him that he’ll take on the role of loving and mentoring him, help him work through those issues. 

1988 - One More Try : George Michael - The singer is calling his new lover “teacher” (maybe because he feels he has a lot to learn about love). He’s hesitant to enter a new relationship because he has been emotionally hurt by a previous one. The song concludes with a willingness for “just one more try.” 

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover to not leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?”

1988 - Kissing a Fool : George Michael - George is lamenting the recent lost love of a man "who listened to people who scared [him] to death and from my heart.” The line “strange that you were strong enough to even make a start” suggests that the ex-boyfriend was in the closet or was reluctant because of the baggage & reputation that came with dating a star like George Michael. Under the homophobic scrutiny, the boyfriend was made to “feel a fool.” In the end, George is heartbroken and is the one left feeling “a fool.”

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna -  “Don’t go for second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is emotionally distant. Stand up for yourself and what you need in a relationship. So why is this on this Pride playlist? The music video! All those muscular men.

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBTQ community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want in a society where we could belong & be welcomed.

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 – Groove is in the Heart : Deee-Light – A message of love and good times and the singer, Lady Miss Kier, although a woman, has a drag-queen sensibility to her colorful retro style

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of his album Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet about being gay, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had several times declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was hinting that he is gay. “Consider this, the hint of the century. Consider this, the slip.” It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell”. The song was often interpreted as the struggle of Michael Stipe as a closeted gay man to come to terms with what religion taught about him. 

1991 - I’m Too Sexy : Right Said Fred - A fun song about a guy who is full of himself, thinks he is so sexy. Richard Fairbrass, the singer of the group, came out as gay at the time of this song, which made the song seem representative of a certain narcissistic part of gay culture that centers on the gym and muscle worship

1991 - Emotion : Mariah Carey - This song displays Mariah’s crazy vocal range, is upbeat and danceable. Mariah grew up a poor, biracial young woman in the 1970s and 1980s. She had a drive to prove she is “worthy of existing,” and this has resulted in a number of songs about self empowerment, overcoming obstacles, a desire to belong, and all those things are relatable to the LGBT community.   

1991 - Finally : Cece Penniston - A dance hit about falling in love. A lot of people, including queer people living in a heteronormative world, wonder if we’ll ever find true love, and can relate to the excitement & relief of the lyrics that “Finally, it has happened to me.” This song was featured in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which was about two drag queens and a trans woman trekking across the Australian Outback in a tour bus they named Priscilla. The show is a positive portrayal of LGBTQ individuals.

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving. 

1992 - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover : Sophie B. Hawkins - The song’s lyrics are written from the perspective of a woman who is observing another woman in an abusive relationship. The singer is having a difficult time seeing her “black and blue” and dreams of rescuing this abused woman and making her happy, taking away her pain, and being physically intimate with her. Hawkins has stated that she is “omnisexual.”

1992 - Take a Chance on Me : Erasure - ABBA had a following among the gay community, and Erasure singing one of their songs helped bring ABBA back into mainstream consciousness again. Plus in the video, two members of Erasure dress in drag playing like they’re the women from ABBA. 

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - The lyrics are about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John -  When he learned that his son was gay, the father had “disowned” him, but upon learning his son was dying from AIDS, overcame his homophobia to spend the final moments with his son. This one makes me cry.

1992 – Deeper and Deeper : Madonna -  The song talks about sexual desire, though in the gay community it’s seen as being about a young man coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t help falling in love. I fall deeper and deeper the further I go. Kisses sent from heaven above. They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know”

1992 - Supermodel : RuPaul - RuPaul’s debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become America’s favorite mainstream drag queen.

1993 - Bi : Living Colour - One of the very few songs (that I’m aware of) that celebrates bisexuality. The main line is “everybody loves you when you’re bi”, which is so affirming.

1993 - Somebody to Love : Queen & George Michael - At the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, George Michael sang this song about a man calling out to God, asking why he works so hard but can't find love. At the end of the song, he finds hope and decides he will not accept defeat. Given our smaller numbers and the process we go through to accept ourselves, queer people often work harder to find love. And here is George Michael, who became a gay icon, singing the song fabulously.

1993 - What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes - This was the first Top 40 hit by an openly lesbian group (somehow the Indigo Girls never got higher than #52). The song begins with the singer saying she’s 25 but is feeling discontent and confusion. She cries as a form of relief because she feels a little peculiar. In the morning she steps outside and yells “what’s going on?” She tries in this institution (which many think means the homophobic and sexist aspects of American) and she calls for a revolution. Since 1993, in many ways we have seen a revolution that is overturning many aspects of the homophobic restrictions that had gay people feeling stuck in an institution rather than able to fully be themselves.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of the song by the Village People which imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll all do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa came out publicly coming out as a lesbian and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a secret love. “Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Hero : Mariah Carey - The song has a message that really speak to LGBTQ people. Inside of every person is the ability to be your own hero. looking to yourself & finding the inner courage to be strong & believe in yourself through the hard ties. ”There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are.” And it goes on to speak about casting aside your fears and surviving and finding love within yourself. Btw, in 2016 Mariah was honored by GLAAD with the Ally Award, and she gave her definition of LGBTQ--”L: legendary. G: gorgeous. B: beautiful — all of you beautiful people! T: tantalizing, and even Q for quality!"

1994 - Streets of Philadelphia : Bruce Springsteen - Bruce wrote this haunting song for the film Philadelphia, which was about a lawyer who was fired for being gay & having HIV. This song is about a man dying of AIDS. The lyrics begin with him seeing his reflection, but the disease has given him lesions & he’s lost so much weight that he doesn’t even recognize his reflection. “Oh brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away on the streets of Philadelphia?” This line is asking how society could turn its back on those who need help the most, even here in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. As he’s walking the streets, he is thinking of friends who had died from AIDS. He can hear the blood pulsing in his veins, and he describes it as black, because HIV/AIDS is an infection of the blood and the disease is (figuratively) black and deadly. 

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - A song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1995 - Queer : Garbage - The term “queer” in these lyrics meant odd or different, but Garbage is very open to the queer community and how we use that word.

1996 – Jesus to a Child : George Michael - The melancholy song is a tribute to Michael’s Brazilian lover Anselmo Feleppa. Feleppa died from an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. The song’s rhythm and harmony is influenced by the Brazilian bossa nova style. Michael would always dedicate the song to Feleppa before performing it live.

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship that didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1996 – Seasons of Love : Cast from the musical Rent  - What is the proper way is to measure the value of a year in human life? The most effective way is to “measure in love”. Since four of the lead characters have HIV or AIDS, the song is often associated with World AIDS Day and AIDS awareness month.

1997 - Go the Distance : Michael Bolton- This song from the Disney movie Hercules is about not belonging and declaring that no matter what struggles lie ahead, I’m going to find my place in the world. That's definitely inspiring.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. The beginning of the song describes Anselmo’s mother, who visits his grave. The first chorus has Anselmo’s mother saying goodbye, telling him “You have been loved.” The ending chorus has Anselmo dying, telling George, “You have been loved.” The line, “If I was weak, forgive me; but I was terrified,” refers to the trauma George felt during Anselmo’s decline in health. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging God. “What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.”

1997 - Come On, Eileen : Save Ferris - This is a remake of the 1982 hit by  Dexys Midnight Runners which was about getting a school girl to overcome her Catholic repression and begin a romantic (and possibly sexual) relationship. Only now a woman is singing about Eileen and that makes it a queer song.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1998 - Diva : Dana International - Dana is a transgender woman who won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. It was the first major celebration of a trans artist on an international stage. Dana’s representation of her country Israel created a furor among Israel’s Orthodox Jewish community. After her win, she addressed her detractors. “My victory proves God is on my side,” read her statement. “I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness: try to accept me. I am what I am.” She was a beacon that many LGBTQ people in Israel list as their first hope that things could get better, that it is okay to be queer.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song from the Disney movie Mulan is about how others don’t know the real you, which means the lyrics can fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also is adopted by a lot of trans people because how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. Keep going and loving, because the next love will be better. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex--many couples were caught getting frisky, but the gay couples are the ones arrested.  

1999 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. The message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman.

1999 - There She Goes : Sixpence None the Richer - It’s surprising that a Christian band with a female singer does a song about being attracted to a woman who you just can’t get out of your brain. “There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain. And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains.” 

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female love.

2000 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay (Thunderpuss mix) : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on, a message that strikes a chord with LGBTQ people

2000 - Stronger : Britney -  This is a declaration of independence and self-empowerment. “You might think that I won't make it on my own, but now I'm stronger than yesterday.” Those are lyrics that queer people can embrace. We always can use an empowering dance song.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2001 - I Want Love : Elton John - This song is about a man who’s gone through some hard times, lost love, and as a result has built up some scars around his heart, but yet he wants love. Elton was mid-30′s at the time the song was released, which is a time a lot of people look at their life and want someone to settle down with, want a deeper connection with someone they can trust and have a long-lasting relationship.

2002 - Cherry Lips : Garbage - This song is inspired by a fictional trans woman. “Cherry Lips” talks about a boy looking like a girl who makes the whole world want to dance.

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a person assigned male at birth putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.  

2003 – Defying Gravity : Idina Menzel – In this song from the musical Wicked, the character Elphaba sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. Plenty of queer people can relate.

2003 - Gay Bar : Electric Six - The words are straight forward, “I wanna take you to a gay bar.” The music video is nuts, lead singer Dick Valentine portrays Abraham Lincoln in the White House getting increasingly ready for the gay bar--loses the pants, exercises, takes a bath, wears bdsm leather. 

2003- If You Were Gay : Cast from the musical Avenue Q - An irreverent musical using puppets had this song between the characters that resemble Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. It’s about how a closeted person may have trouble accepting themselves, even if their friend is affirming. This performance of the song by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is delightful.

2003 – Me Against the Music : Britney Spears and Madonna - The music video shows Spears and Madonna playing opposites in a nightclub. A cat-and-mouse chase ensues, and Spears finds Madonna in the end, only for the latter to disappear just before they kiss.

2004 - Toxic : Britney Spears - This song is basically a girl addicted to a guy and she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and the taste of his lips is intoxicating. Idk why this became such an anthem in the LGBT community other than in the early 2000′s Britney’s presence in pop culture was dominant, and she was a supporter of the queer community, and each song she put out was more empowering, sexually playful, along with a sense of vulnerability. I think for a lot of bi & lesbian women, Britney played some part in their sexual awakening. Plus there’s a stereotype that gay people walk quickly, that’s because we have Toxic by Britney Spears (143 bpm) playing in our heads. 

2004 - Amazing : George Michael - After the painful and sudden death of his beloved Anselmo, George started a new relationship with Kenny. During that time, George’s mom was fighting cancer and Kenny was there for him. To be able to comfort a person in their time of grief and come out of it closer, that’s Amazing

2004 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin and the words make me think of coming out and worrying what your parents are going to think and will they still be “proud of [their] boy”? Clay came out as gay a few years later in 2008.

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna -  It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2006 - And I am Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBTQ makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.” 

2007 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - Mika wrote the song after he felt frustrated with record label executives who wanted him to change his sound to be more like another pop singer. Mika wrote “Grace Kelly” to reject pretending be someone else to win approval – in this case the glamorous actress Grace Kelly, or he “could channel a little Freddie” Mercury. Refusing to change who you are to find acceptance is the stuff gay anthems are made of. We love Mika because he’s authentically queer and has no interest in conforming and instead is his flamboyant self

2007 - Billy Brown : MIKA - It was all going according to plan for Billy Brown: he had a wife, two kids and a dog. Then he fell in love with another man.

2007 - Sweet Dreams : MIKA - Mika covers this 1983 Eurythmics’ anthem of resilience. The Eurythmics singer Annie Lennox was seen as something of a gender bender thanks to her buzz cut & men’s suits. This song acknowledges that sometimes life is hard, some people want to use or abuse you, but “hold your head up,” and keep moving on and you’re sure to leave the nightmare for a sweet dream.

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of it, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.  

2008 - Talk About Love : MIKA - Super catchy chorus, he’s fallen in love and now all he wants to talk about is his new love.

2008 - Just Dance : Lady Gaga - This is Gaga’s first hit and she tells herself to just dance and everything will be okay. Whatever hard things are going on in our life, sometimes we have to take a break from them, and dance. Lady Gaga performed this at the inaugural NewNowNext Awards, which were broadcast on the Logo network in June 2008. Logo is targeted to the gay community

2008 - I Kissed a Girl : Katy Perry - Katy has a boyfriend, but she kissed a girl and liked it. Don’t pretend you don’t want to run to the nearest drugstore for some new cherry chapstick after listening to this song. This song isn’t about being bi, it’s about experimenting.  

2008 - Poker Face : Lady Gaga - “Poker Face” is all about masking your sexuality. During a performance in 2009, Gaga explained that the song dealt with her personal experience with bisexuality. When she’s with a man but fantasizing about a woman, she’s got a “Poker Face” so he won’t know what is going through her mind.

2009 - Cover Girl : RuPaul - The theme song to the RuPaul’s Drag Race TV show which brought Drag performance and culture to the masses.  

2009 - You Belong with Me : Taylor Swift - Not 👏 a 👏 single 👏 male 👏 pronoun 👏 in 👏 sight! The singer is pining over her close friend, who is dating a girl who doesn’t really get them. There’s nothing stopping us from reading this as a girl crushing on her gay best friend.

2009 - Bulletproof : La Roux - Everyone was asking if singer Elly Jackson was a lesbian or bi and she was vague in answering. She had a girlfriend but was worried what coming out would mean for her career. She still doesn’t like labels, she feels androgynous but more feminine than masculine, and she doesn’t call herself “gay”, “straight” or “bisexual.” However, she says "if people want to hold me up as a gay role model, absolutely, I’m proud to be that, but I don’t feel the need to say that I’m gay to do it.” The song is about a girl who has been through a lot of bad relationships and hopes that "next time maybe, I'll be bulletproof" meaning she hopes she doesn't get hurt in the next relationship she's in.

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including their “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga wore the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song is referencing when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - Cold War : Janelle Monáe - The song starts off saying “being alone's the only way to be. When you step outside, you spend life fighting for your sanity.” The chorus is how this is a cold war and knowing what you’re fighting for. Then there’s a bridge about strengthening the weak and if we unite and have faith in love then the mighty will crumble. This is followed by “I was made to believe there was something wrong with me.” So powerful. Alone we feel weak and need to hide, but united we are strong. Janelle has said this and additional songs about being the “other” can be about being a lesbian or being a gay man or being a black woman.

2010 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like Adam is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out  

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can?” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.  

2010 - Mine : Taylor Swift - This is a song about a careless man’s careful daughter going off to college and falling in love with a small town waitress. That’s it. That’s the song.

2010 - Ice Cream Truck : Cazwell - This is something of a guilty pleasure. It’s a cute, simple and upbeat 1980’s-style hip-hop summer anthem that conveys happiness about being gay. I would describe the video as delightfully raunchy, a bunch of shirtless male dancers licking their popsicles (and a couple of butts also make an appearance)

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. Lyrics like these are so relatable: “So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs.” Plus, the video has her singing at a gay wedding.

2010 - We R Who We R : Ke$ha - After a news story that bullying led to multiple suicides of gay youth, Ke$ha wrote this song in hopes that it would become a Pride anthem. The song is intended to inspire people to be themselves, and as a celebration of anyone deemed quirky or eccentric. Kesha was upset people have to hide themselves and pretend to be someone other than who they are in order to be safe.

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - Everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but in the right situation, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we come out, others see we’re bright and beautiful. The video features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss. And the lyrics “after the hurricane comes a rainbow” fits because rainbows are tied to the LGBTQ community. Katy Perry dedicated this song to the “It Gets Better” video campaign aimed at gay youth who may feel alone or suicidal. 

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song being sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.”

2011 – Mean : Taylor Swift – This is an anti-bullying public service announcement. Even more than others, Queer kids are subject to bullying, so a song addressing the topic resonates. And then there’s a lyric about moving to the big city, which for us can be understood as a place where it’s safe to be gay. “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever going to be is mean.”

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - This song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. The scenario is she falls in love with a girl from East L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage. As to the “I don’t speak your Americano, I don’t speak your language oh no, I don’t speak your Jesus Cristo” I think it’s rejecting the religious rhetoric used to justify the laws.

2011 – Call Me Maybe : Carly Rae Jepsen - The video begins with Carly Rae spying on her attractive neighbor as he is working on his lawn. She tries to get his attention with various provocative poses only for her neighbor to give his phone number to Carly Rae’s male band mate

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people this can be what it’s like in a heteronormative society, or when we’re in the closet and find someone. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and then going from that to hoping to find someone.

2011 - Take a Bow : Matt Alber - A beautiful, heartfelt cover of the 1994 Madonna song with just a guitar for accompaniment. With an openly gay man singing the words, it transforms this into a gay love song.

2011 – Titanium : David Guetta feat. Sia – The openly queer singer Sia wrote this song about enduring everything the world throws at you and coming out stronger

2012 - Starships : Nikki Minaj - The lyric "starships are meant to fly," is a line about reaching one's full potential in life. A great song to sing when needing motivation to just go for it and not let other people’s ideas or judgements box you in. Nikki has been an ally to the queer community. On MTV she encouraged her gay fans to be fighters and to be brave, and she canceled a concert in Saudi Arabia to show support for women and LGBT+ people in the country.

2012 – Thinkin About You : Frank Ocean – Just before this song was released, Frank Ocean came out. There haven’t been many hip-hop stars who are openly gay. And it got me wondering who it is he’s been thinking about?

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2012 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Matt Alber - A gay man singing the big Whitney Houston hit about wanting to dance with someone.

2012 - Wings : Little Mix - Little Mix is a British girl band well-known for being LGBTQ Allies and including LGBTQ themes in their songs. Wings is about believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down, a message that resonates with their LGBTQ fans.

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters -  A drag performer is heading out to put on a show, but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. So she calls up a friend and announces “We’re coming over and having a kiki.”

2012 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical. 

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this group sang “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama.

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - People tell a couple they shouldn’t be together and that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. Also, people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson (Louis & Harry).

2012 – Somebody Loves You : Betty Who - The song keeps saying “somebody loves you,” and that somebody is the person singing the song. Most people discovered this song from a viral video of a gay marriage proposal at a Salt Lake City Home Depot

2013 - Lay Me Down : Sam Smith - A melancholy song with a video to match of a husband being buried and Sam saying to also Lay Me Down. But then Sam reminisces about a happier, more blissful time–their gay wedding that was held at the same church.

2013 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about change in the world. These words in particular strike me, “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare.”

2013 - Popular Song : MIKA feat. Ariana Grande - This is an imaginative updating of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. The lyrics are about how being popular and cool in school isn’t enough, and those who bullied others grow up to not be so popular. In other words, the tables will turn, you’ll need more to be successful than being popular. 

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - Sara wrote this song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling as an adult to come out as gay.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Cameron : Jilette Johnson - The song is inspired by a real life Cameron the singer knew & loved. Cameron is a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society. The singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are – “Cameron, you’re a star, a light where there is dark. And you’re a hundred times a woman, a hundred times the man that they are.”  

2013 - All Night : Icona Pop - The song is about expressing yourself, and that life gets better and we will find ourselves dancing. The video is about the LGBT house ballroom subculture.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and desire each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays,” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - This is a ode to worshiping in the bedroom. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2013 - Work Bitch : Britney Spears - The things you want in life are attainable but you gotta focus and work. Britney wrote this song with her gay friends in mind. “I don’t call everyone… that word. I just use it as, it’s like in respect to the gays as a term of endearment.”

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - There is a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention. Pansexual rock star Brendon Urie sings “Girls love girls and boys. Love is not a choice.”

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into.” It's sad that a one-liner about kissing whoever you like is still controversial in Country music today, but I love her poking holes in that genre’s homophobia.

2013 - Let It Go : Idina Menzel - From the movie Frozen, this song says to abandon the fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful. The lyrics could almost come from an It Gets Better video about embracing who you are. And these lines are how it feels after some time has passed and we look back at our coming out experience: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all”

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight male friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - The lyrics are about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision singing this song while wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2014 – Stay With Me : Sam Smith – One night Sam fell for someone, but they didn't feel the same. Good ol’ unrequited love. Sam used this music video to come out as gay by admitting the person being sung about is a man.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : RuPaul - A perfect walkway song for all those drag queens, and any of the rest of us, who want to strut what we got

2014 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBTQ community and saying that “My Jesus loves all.” The music starts and Levato is singing at a Pride parade. Demi said “When I thought of the lyrics ‘really don’t care’, it made me think of bullying, and made me think of the LGBTQ community, who deal with that so often, but they accept themselves.”

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande feat. Zedd - Ariana’s older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems--that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it. Breaking free of what the world wants you to be to become who you truly are has made this song a coming-out anthem.  

2014 - Secrets : Mary Lambert - We grow up hiding things about ourselves, we all have secrets, but how much better when we don’t care if the world knows our secrets. “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I’m over it”

2014 - Feeling Good : George Michael - This is the final song released by George before his death. It expresses a particular kind of joy which comes with liberation from oppression. Nina Simone’s stunning vocal performance of this song in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights movement made it a manifesto of that movement’s burning desire for freedom. And then here is George Michael, a gay man, and the song is born again as a desire for the queer community to be liberated from oppression.

2014 - Centuries : Fall Out Boy - Peter Wentz, one of the co-writers of this song, says the idea is a “David vs.Goliath story” meant to empower people who are a little weird. Justin Tranter, another of the co-writers, revealed in 2018 that trans pioneer Marsha P. Johnson was the inspiration for the song. When making the announcement, Tranter said, “I want every LGBTQ person to know that our ideas are mainstream. We have stories to tell and people will f*cking listen”

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her trans kid has some kind of sickness. The mom may not be happy, but “we're hangin' with the boys that look like girls tonight” and “we're hangin' with the girls that look like boys alright”. The video features trans & gay people.

2014 - Jessie’s Girl : Mary Lambert - This is a remake of the 1981 hit song by Rick Springfield, but now it’s a woman longing for Jessie’s girl.

2014 - First Time He Kissed a Boy : Kadie Elder - This is about recognizing your sexual orientation at a young age and the difficulties that can follow. Being a teen isn’t easy and the choices teens have to make aren’t easy, but if you are brave enough and stand up for yourself, you might shock others but you might also become happy. It has a gay-positive video that tells the story in a touching way.

2014 - Welcome to New York : Taylor Swift - An insecure girl falls in love with a city where you can want who you want. “When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before, and you can want who you want: boys and boys and girls and girls”

2014 - Little Game : Benny - Many people may know Benny from his YouTube channel. Little Games is about the ways in which rigid concepts of gender still dictate our behavior today. I think the creepy and catchy melody & video are a good match for the lyrics “play our little game"  

2015 - All-American Boy : Steve Grand - A Country song that tells the story of a gay young man in love with a straight male friend.

2015 - Don’t Wait : Joey Graceffa -  Joey is a well-known YouTube personality and with this song he came out. The song says to not wait for the world to get ready but to go explore and find what you’re looking for. The video is the adorable queer fairy tale we’ve all been waiting for. I love these lyrics, “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own, I’ll be your compass so you’ll never feel alone.”

2015 - Calling Me : Aquilo - Growing up, we all grapple with who we are and who we want to become. We all go through a period of being unsure of our personality, creativity and perhaps even our sexuality. We have to battle to not be defined by what others think of us, but to believe in ourselves. It’s a battle we’ve all had to fight. In the video, the singer learns to stay strong, keep his head high and accept who he is, even if others can’t.

2015 - Good Guys : MIKA - Mika plays off the 1997 Paula Cole hit “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” but instead asks “Where have all the gay guys gone?“  Mika shifts “gay guys” to “good guys” and lists his queer heroes who helped him get to where he is, while also looking forward to what the future holds for the LGBTQ community.  

2015 - Body was Made : Ezra Furman -  Ezra says this “is a protest song against the people and forces that would make me ashamed of my body, my gender and my sexuality.” This song’s message is taking ownership of your own body and identity, and not letting anybody else interfere with that. Furman identifies as trans and bisexual, and uses he/him and she/her pronouns

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - He’s singing about how there’s no place in heaven for gay people. “Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in”

2015 - Girls Like Girls : Hayley Kiyoko - This was Hayley’s unofficial coming out as a lesbian and in this song she sings that “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new” The video has some images of violence as a boy is angry that his girlfriend likes girls, but in the end the lesbians win.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 – Run Away with Me : Carly Rae Jepson - Carly Rae sings about getting away with someone for the weekend. Whether it’s just that your schedules have kept you busy or you have to keep this secret (“I’ll be your sinner in secret”), it’s very romantic. Oh, and lack of gendered pronouns makes it even more relatable to the queer community.

2015 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but says “I’m still breathing, I’m alive.” It is the personification of resilience and perseverance.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. The video features gay couples.

2015 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I saw it. A James Bond-type hero & villain fall for each other.  

2016 - Unstoppable : Sia - Instead of just surviving, Sia is going to prove to people that she’s going to succeed. And like her, this song helps us put our armor on so we also feel strong and get through the day and smash through barricades.

2016 - Secret Love Song : Little Mix - Secret Love Song could be heard as being about the struggles faced by LGBTQ people when coming to terms with their sexuality and showing affection in public. I especially like the Secret Love Song, Part II version as the video makes clear the LGBTQ meaning.

2016 – Formation : Beyoncé – At the GLAAAD Media Awards, Beyoncé used the lyrics from this Black-power anthem to advocate for gay rights when she said “LGBTQIA rights are human rights. To choose who you love is your human right. How you identify and see yourself is your human right. Who you make love to and take that ass to Red Lobster is your human right,”

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a surprising gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their sexuality and feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality. “I don’t wanna be your secret anymore.”

2016 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - This song is from a Broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life authentically as who you are. And I love this video featuring Drag Queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to still follow our dreams. The video features 49 dancers, one for each victim of the shooting. The song celebrates the spirit of being defiant and trying to be the best you can be in the face of adversity, which is something the LGBTQ community have managed to do for many decades. Yet despite the uplifting, catchy music and lyrics, there’s also a sense of tragedy about how that spirit and potential came to an abrupt end for the victims of the shooting.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. “I found myself when I lost my faith” and not being able to “pray the gay away.” The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and I love that because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.  

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church, but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittering jacket.

2016 – I Know a Place : MUNA – This is a song of safety & nonviolence, which is important to the LGBTQ community as there’s many times we don’t feel safe being open about who we are and who we love. All three members of MUNA are queer. This song came out around the time of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando which shattered that feeling of safety people thought they had in queer bars, clubs and spaces where we don’t have to hide who we are and should be free to be ourselves.

2016 - Boys Will Be Boys : Benny - The phrase “Boys will be boys” is typically used to excuse toxic masculinity, but this song turns it on its head. Benny wants “boys will be boys” to mean each person is different and doesn’t need to follow specific gender roles. Whatever a boy is, that’s what a boy will be.  

2017 - Believer : Imagine Dragons - The adversity you come across in life is what helps you grow to become a “believer” in yourself. "Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain / My life, my love, my drive, it came from / Pain / You made me a, you made me a believer, believer." This song was being written around the time of the election of Donald Trump, and one of the co-writers, Justin Tranter, expressed fear about the future. This song is the result--speak our truth no matter what comes our way.

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who says this is our song because I found him when he most needed help. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - Symphony : Clean Bandit - As a musician, I really like the imagery of the lyrics--Before all I heard was silence by now with you I’m hearing symphonies, “And now your song is on repeat, and I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat. And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete.” The video shows a loving queer black couple torn apart by catastrophe and a reminder that music & art are a way for us to deal with grief and celebrate our loved ones.  

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - The video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and a male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear & bravery of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment many queer people know

2017 - Love is Love is Love : LeeAnn Rimes - This song celebrates the LGBTQ community. Rimes said that “A ‘Pride’ celebration is a living thing. It is breathing authenticity. It’s a space we hold for one another, a place to come into what our souls move us to be, it’s a place in love and only love,” adding “That’s why the LGBTQ community continues to inspire me and enliven my spirit every time I perform for them.”

2017 - Swish Swish : Katy Perry - A song about fighting against bullies, “Swish Swish” uses basketball metaphors to talk about overcoming hateful people and thriving. That’s a theme that LGBTQ+ people can identify with.

2017 - If They Only Knew : Alfie Arcuri - The song is of a previous relationship where Arcuri’s ex-partner’s parents didn’t know he was gay. Arcuri explained “We were together for a couple of years and half way through the relationship he came out. The song is almost like a diary entry for me telling his parents how innocent our love and relationship was because to them I was like the devil who turned their son gay. It wasn’t like that at all though, it was a beautiful love.” The video is a short film that shows one guy in the closet and his friend helping him see it’s okay to be gay.

2017 - Power : Little Mix - Willam, Alaska and Courtney Act from RuPaul’s Drag Race are featured in this video. The song is about gender politics in a relationship.

2017 - Cut to the Feeling : Carly Rae Jepson - This is a song about liking someone and wanting to skip past all the awkward introductions and just get to the feelings where they’re being real with each other, dancing together and celebrating love. That already works as a queer song, and then add to it this viral video by Mark Kanemura. When she played at a Pride celebration, Carly Rae had Mark reenact his dance to the song 

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - Just because transphobia is common, it doesn’t mean it is right or that you are wrong. There’s a line in the song that hits me hard, “One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life.” And the video is beautiful, very poignant and it breaks my heart and gives me hope.

2017 - Heaven : State of Sound - A remake of the 1984 Bryan Adams song which was a standard love song of a boy and a girl. However, there were no gendered pronouns in the song and State of Sound’s video shows it works just as well for all sorts of queer couples

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2017 - Feelings : Hayley Kiyoko - This song is about having a crush on someone. The video has Hayley chasing after a girl

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing and how he is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in religion for him because he’s gay. And the “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes.

2017 - A Million Dreams : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2017 - This is Me : Kesha - A great cover of the song from The Greatest Showman.

2018 - My My My! : Troye Sivan - Troye said “'My My My!’ is a song of liberation, freedom, and love. “Throw all inhibition to the wind, be present in your body, love wholeheartedly, move the way you’ve always wanted to, and dance the way you feel”  

2018 - Curious : Hayley Kiyoko - “Curious” is a term used in the LGBTQ community to express same-sex experimentation. In the song Hayley uses it to ask, “I’m just curious, is it serious?” Hayley says she wrote the song about a past relationship with a closeted woman, as well as various romantic experiences with women who were unsure about their sexuality

2018 - Perfect : Alex G - This cover of the Ed Sheeran song is beautiful. And because Alex doesn’t change the pronouns, it’s a very sweet lesbian love song.

2018 - Only You : Cheat Codes & Little Mix - A video with a lesbian mermaid? Yes, please!

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Sanctify : Years & Years - This song is about a relationship the singer had with a straight man. “On the one hand, the guy is struggling with his sexuality and feeling unable to express himself as anything other than straight while also desiring me. I’m on the other side feeling like both a sinner and saint or a devil and angel, leading this guy down a path of ‘sinfulness’ while, at the same time, helping him explore his sexuality.“

2018 - Kiss the Boy : Keiynan Lonsdale - While he doesn’t ascribe to a specific label in terms of his sexuality, Keiynan is openly attracted to both genders – and in Love, Simon, he played the enigmatic Blue, love interest of Simon. The video is adorable & super-inclusive

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - PYNK : Janelle Monáe - Monáe says the color pink “unites all of humanity” because it is the color “found in the deepest and darkest nooks and crannies of humans everywhere.” The video finds Monáe and Tessa Thompson (her girlfriend at the time) along with a group of other women dancing in a desert, having a slumber party and sitting out by a pool while expressing appreciation for the vagina, including some iconic pussy pants. Truly a testament to the power of pink.

2018 - High Hopes : Panic! At the Disco - Brendon Urie says the uplifting message of “High Hopes” is “No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going.” The lyrics say “It's uphill for oddities,” which is how it can feel being queer in a heteronormative world, but “don't give up, it's a little complicated.” It’s complicated but doable. Urie created the Highest Hopes Foundation, an organization that assists nonprofit organizations in human rights efforts across the globe. “I want to join in on the fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. This is dedicated to all people and communities who are subject to discrimination or abuse on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identity.” The foundation donated $1 million dollars to Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to establish Gay-Straight Alliance clubs at high schools across the United States.

2018 - All Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Dance to This : Troye Sivan (feat. Ariana Grande) - According to Sivan, the song is about “that moment when you feel like you’ve been to enough house parties or events, and staying home, making out in the kitchen and cooking dinner sounds like a much, much better alternative”

2018 – Boys : Lizzo – Lizzo sings a song about all the boys she loves, and plenty of gay boys sing along and cheer when reaching the lyrics “From the playboys to the gay boys. Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys”

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - The music video is a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture.

2018 - Bloom : Troye Sivan - Our first mainstream pop song about bottoming. This song is a thinly veiled description of Troye losing his virginity “I bloom, I bloom, just for you.” Or maybe it’s just about flowers.

2018 - No Matter What : Calum Scott - This is a lovely song about a son coming out to his mom and her responding that she loves him no matter what. “I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.” She wrapped her arms around me, said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘cause I love you no matter what”

2018 - Old Town Road : Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus - Lil Nas had the biggest hit song ever and came out as gay, and now his choice in cowboy apparel makes sense

2019 - Juice : Lizzo - Lizzo’s message of radical self-love that celebrates the beauty of being different has earned her a huge queer following. Her work is inspired by the difficulty she felt growing up in a world that told her that she did not fit in. She now spreads a message of acceptance and love. “Juice,” is upbeat and fun, full of confidence-boosting lyrics. She made a video for “Juice,” featuring Drag Race alumni.

2019 - Rainbow : Kacey Musgrave - The song is about hope that the bad times will one day be over. Musgraves hopes it will serve as an anthem for those facing adversity, particularly in the LGBTQ community. “I feel a kinship and a friendship with that community. They really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I wasn’t aware of growing up in a small town in Texas. I will always be an ally and a strong supporter. ‘Rainbow’ is something that I can dedicate to that community, but also to anyone who has any kind of a weight on their shoulders."

2019 - ME! : Taylor Swift (feat. Brandon Urie) - This is a campy, bubbly song about embracing one’s individuality. "I’m the only one of me and that’s the fun of me.”

2019 - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels : Todrick Hall - A fun song and video about being who you are and using that to strut and slay

2019 - Love Yourself : Sufjan Stevens - The lyrics are asking us to love ourselves and to show the reasons we believe in ourselves. I especially like this imagery “Make a shelf. Put all the things on that you believe in.” This song was specifically released for Pride month.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade. The video features a large number of celebrity cameos, many of whom are LGBTQ, including Queer Eye's Fab Five, figure skater Adam Rippon, singer Adam Lambert, television personality Ellen DeGeneres, entertainers Billy Porter and RuPaul, and numerous Drag Queens from  RuPaul's Drag Race who in the video impersonate famous women.

2019 - Higher Love : Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney recorded a cover of the Steve Winwood song “Higher Love,” but only released it in Japan. The Houston estate selected the DJ Kygo to remix Whitney’s version of the song. Kygo embued it with all the EDM sounds you’d expect from a 2019 dance song and debuted the song at Pride in New York City

2019 - American Boy : Years & Years - A cover of the Kanye & Estelle song, sung by Olly Alexander, a gay man, who is the lead singer for the band Years & Years. With Olly singing, this makes the song about one guy crushing on another guy  

2019 - Tiny Love : MIKA - Mika said that he wanted to capture the idea that love can feel enormous, "yet at the same time it’s so tiny and imperceivable to others.” True love is not “a sunrise over canyons shaped like hearts,” or “bursting into song in Central Park.” Rather, it’s “a ‘still-there-Monday-morning’ kind of love.”

2019 - I Rise : Madonna - This song was made specifically to honor the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and to inspire marginalized people to stand up and fight. It is about resilience, of surviving and rising up from adversity. The video includes footage of Parkland H.S. shooting survivors, LGBTQ supporters, women’s rights protesters, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s testimony about sexual abuse and other social justice movements

2019 - I Feel Love : Sam Smith - Sam remakes the 1977 classic from Donna Summer, a song about loving your body and your desires. The high notes on this song are so exciting  

2019 - Show Yourself : Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood - This song from Frozen 2 is about Elsa being ready to be vulnerable and bare her soul. This song has been adopted by the queer community as a coming out anthem.

2019 - Believe : Adam Lambert - A remake of the 1998 song by Cher that is embraced by many LGBTQ people, and it’s absolutely gorgeous 

2020 - I’m Ready (with Demi Lovato) : Sam Smith - The song is about being ready for a new love. The video is basically the Glam Olympics 

[puttingherinhistory]

December 27, 2015 by Suzannah Weiss

I was young when I came to discover masturbation, and I had orgasms long before I knew what they were.

Nothing about it seemed complicated. I just rubbed “down there” for a few minutes, and it happened. But later, magazines, comedy routines, and sitcoms taught me that my body – and vaginas in general – were mysterious and complex, often too complex for those without them to figure out.

Confirming what I’d been taught, orgasms weren’t as simple with partners as they were by myself. This is to be expected to some extent. There’s a learning curve when you’re getting to know someone new. But what confused me was that not everyone seemed eager to learn.

“Sorry,” I (unnecessarily) apologized to a partner for taking what I thought was too long.

“It’s okay. I know it’s harder for girls,” he said – and then stopped.

Compounding the lack of effort I encountered from some (though not all) partners, it became harder for me to orgasm when I started SSRI antidepressants. When I told my doctor, she said, “Oh, that’s hard for a lot of women anyway.”

I knew my body long and well enough to know being a woman wasn’t to blame, but others didn’t share my view that the problem was fixable. I grew hesitant to bring it up with partners out of fear that asking them to perform the supposedly impossible feat of getting a woman off was too demanding.

Orgasm doesn’t have to be the focus of sex, but if a woman wants one, she should have as much of a right to request it as anyone else does.

When people say that women’s bodies are more difficult – and these generalizations typically refer to cis women and are accompanied by rants about how complicated vaginas are – they teach cis women that an orgasm is too tall an order.

Trans women also have a slew of sexual stigmas attached to them, which Kai Cheng Thom describes here, though they’re beyond the scope of this article. In addition, though most research on orgasm inequity has studied cis women, trans and non-binary people with vaginas may relate to the frustrations of being taught their genitals are impossible to decode, too.

The view that cis women are hard to please maintains what sociologists call the orgasm gap, in which men have three orgasms for every one a woman enjoys, and 57% of women orgasm during all or most of their sexual encounters, but 95% say their partners do.

These statistics may appear to confirm the stereotype that women’s bodies are more complicated, but there are other forces at work.

As sociologist Lisa Wade points out, the orgasm gap is conditional. Lesbians report orgasming 74.7% of the time, only 10 percentage points lower than gay men. In addition, women take under four minutes on average to masturbate to orgasm.

If these statistics don’t convince you that there’s more to the orgasm gap than biology, here are twelve cultural factors that contribute to it.

1. People Believe Women Are Less Sexual

Women, the story goes, aren’t that into sex.

They may enjoy it, but they do it partially in exchange for validation, commitment, or financial support, popular wisdom says. As long as a woman is getting one of those things, she doesn’t need much out of the sex itself.

To the contrary, a lot of research and lived experiences indicate that women are as capable of wanting and enjoying sex as men.

Until we acknowledge this, we won’t prioritize making sex as enjoyable as possible for women because we’ll believe sexual pleasure isn’t as important to them.

It may not be because women themselves may buy into myths about their gender, neglecting their desires because they’re not supposed to have them. If they do, they and their partners miss out on balanced sexual interactions, not to mention fun.

2. Pornography Privileges Male Pleasure

Most people who have watched porn videos know they typically culminate with a “money shot” in which the man comes, and then the scene ends. Most woman-focused orgasms depicted in porn are merely incidental events on the path to a man’s pleasure.

Additionally, most mainstream porn scenes feel incomplete without blow jobs, while cunnilingus is less common.

All in all, the message is clear: It’s imperative that a man gets off, and if a woman manages to in the process, props to him, but it’s just an added bonus.

3. The Myth of ‘Blue Balls’ Persists

Blue balls, according to Urban Dictionary, is “the excrutiating [sic] pain a man receives when his balls swell to the size of coconuts because of lack of sex, unfinished bjs, and just not cummin when he knows he should.”

The entitlement reflected in this description is characteristic of most uses of the term “blue balls.” While vasocongestion, the accumulation of blood flow to the genitals, can occasionally cause mild pain in people with any genitals, this is not what men are usually referring to when they complain about blue balls. And whether they’re experiencing this or just sexual frustration, it’s never anyone else’s duty to relieve it.

Even though most women know no medical condition results from an erection that doesn’t lead to an orgasm, many of us feel guilty for not providing one. So, in addition to some men’s lack of effort to pleasure women, the pressure many women feel to pleasure men maintains the orgasm gap.

4. There’s More Information in the Media About Pleasing Cis Men Than Women

As a teenager, my secret guilty pleasure was buying copies of Cosmo from the drugstore and hiding them under my pillow to read at night.

I read all their sex articles just because I found anything sex-related titillating, but along the way, I learned all about different tricks to please men – and cis men, specifically. By the time I encountered a real-life penis, I already knew all the basic tricks in the book, plus some out-there ones my dude friends urged me not to try.

I don’t know what most teenage boys’ secret reading material was, but there aren’t many mainstream men’s magazines as obsessed with pleasing women as women’s are with pleasing men. If anything, I’ve heard it’s common for boys to sneak glimpses of Playboy, which is also geared toward pleasing men.

Maybe this explains why 25% of men and 30% of women can’t locate the clitoris on a diagram.

Amid all the advice we read about different ways to hold and touch a penis, many remain in the dark about vulvas and vaginas.

5. Hookup Culture Privileges Male Pleasure

“I will do everything in my power to, like whoever I’m with, to get [him] off,” one woman said in a study by Elizabeth Armstrong on college hookups. But when it came to their own pleasure, women held different expectations.

“The guy kind of expects to get off, while the girl doesn’t expect anything,” a woman in another study by Lisa Wade said.

Accordingly, one man in Armstrong’s study boasted, “I’m all about making her orgasm,” but when asked to clarify the word “her,” he added, “Girlfriend her. In a hookup her, I don’t give a shit.” Perhaps he sensed that women don’t expect much from their hookups.

Statistics about women’s orgasms reflect these attitudes.

The ratio of men’s and women’s orgasms is 3.1:1 for first-time hookups, but only 1.25:1 for relationships.

For whatever reason, hookup culture appears to have embraced the message espoused by the media that women’s orgasms are optional, while men’s are obligatory.

6. Sex Education Doesn’t Teach Us About Pleasure, Especially Female Pleasure

Like many schools in the US, mine only had a couple of days a year dedicated to sex education in middle and high school. During the initial classes on puberty, the portion about women was on periods and the portion about men was on erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams.

Already, our bodies were associated with making babies, while boys’ were associated with sexual arousal and pleasure.

Later on, we learned how to use a condom – along with how to complete a very normative sequence of events. You put it on, we were told, and then you have intercourse, and then someone ejaculates, and then you pull out and take it off. Men’s orgasms, but not women’s, were built into our safer sex lesson.

Nobody said “then you stop whenever you feel like it” or “your partner may need you to pull out” (because, contrary to what we see in porn, not every woman is multi-orgasmic and many have a refractory period, so we can’t all comfortably keep going until our partner wants to stop).

This is one sneaky way we learn to prioritize men’s pleasure without ever really learning about pleasure at all.

7. Self-Evaluative Thoughts Can Disrupt Women’s Arousal Process

Due to the emphasis on women’s appearances in mainstream porn and throughout the media, women learn to picture themselves during sex.

“How does my stomach look from this angle,” “Does my face look sexy or silly in this expression,” and “Would it be sexier if I made more noise?” are a few thoughts that have distracted me in the bedroom.

And I don’t think I’m alone: 32% of women say that when they don’t orgasm, it’s often because they’re stuck in their heads or focused on their looks.

Orgasm itself can become a source of performance anxiety.

Because the women’s orgasms are dramatized in porn and the media, with exaggerated moans and calculated facial expressions, some women feel so much pressure that fear of not coming keeps them from coming. This pressure can also lead women to fake orgasms instead of sticking it out for a real one.

Once again, women’s magazines don’t help.

Cosmo even provides a guide on “how to look even hotter naked.” Though “even” implies the reader looks hot already, the pre-bedroom workout routine and self-tanner application tips make it clear we don’t look as hot as we could – and even if we do, the focus is still on our partner’s pleasure, not what we see or feel.

Thoughts about partners’ perceptions place women outside their bodies, looking in, rather than inside them, feeling the sensations the sexual activity is causing. It’s hard to have an orgasm when you’re not even thinking sexual thoughts.

8. Sexual Trauma Can Impede Arousal and Orgasm

It’s extremely common for women to experience sexual trauma within their lifetimes. One out of six women has been the victim of attempted or completed rape.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, this trauma can have lasting effects on one’s sex life.

“Sexual assault can rob your enjoyment of sex and can make any type of intimacy feel scary,” she said. “Some survivors experience feelings of disconnect or dissociation when they’re having sex. Others can easily get triggered by being touched in certain places or in specific ways.”

Marin recommends that survivors seek out therapy or a support group so they don’t have to deal with the effects of their pasts alone.

In the short-term, Marin has written that reminding yourself you’re with your partner, not the person who assaulted you, can quell trauma-related sexual problems. “Of course your brain knows that it’s [them], but this exercise can help the more subconscious parts of your psyche start to relax,” she writes.

Other emotions women disproportionately experience around sex, such as guilt and shame, may also lead to anorgasmia.

9. More Women Than Men Are on Antidepressants

SSRI antidepressants, like Prozac and Zoloft, can cause anorgasmia. This side effect isn’t gender-specific, but antidepressants themselves are.

Between 2001 and 2010, 25% of American women (but only 15% of men) had been prescribed medication for mental health conditions.

This may occur because women are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, both frequently treated with SSRIs, the medication class most commonly known to cause anorgasmia. There are many theories as to why, but one possible source of this difference is societal misogyny.

As Ally Boghun writes of her anxiety, “A lot of the stressors that impact me the most are actually stressors put upon women by society to look and act in certain ways.” In addition, women are more likely to seek therapy, since toxic standards of masculinity deter men from discussing their emotions.

This is one case where the orgasm gap may be related to biological differences, but the sources of these differences are still societal.

10. Women Are Discouraged from Asking for What They Want

Women are taught to accommodate others’ wishes and put their own on the back burner, to be pleasant and polite and grateful and not ask for more, whether that’s food, payment, or sexual pleasure.

To bring back Armstrong’s research, one woman said she didn’t have the “right” to request an orgasm and “felt kind of guilty almost, like I felt like I was kind of subjecting [guys] to something they didn’t want to do and I felt bad about it.”

I can relate: I’ve said “sorry” many times for requesting or giving myself the stimulation I wanted, for taking what I thought was too much time, and for receiving pleasure without immediately returning it.

The same fear that keeps women from voicing their opinions in work meetings or negotiating salaries also keeps us from speaking up in bed.

But until we can “lean in” without bumping into hostility, women can’t singlehandedly solve this problem in any domain. It’s also up to our partners, coworkers, and others to make it clear they want to hear and accommodate our wishes.

11. The Normative Definition of Sex Isn’t Optimal for Many Women’s Orgasms

When someone says “sex,” most people think of penis-in-vagina intercourse, even though it means many different things to different people.

For example, some couples may see oral sex as sex. Some may also put oral or manual sex on the same level as penetrative sex, but this is still not the norm.

When someone talks about losing their virginity, for instance, we usually assume they’re talking about the first time they had penis-in-vagina intercourse.

This assumption can be problematic for women who get off more easily through other activities.

In one survey, 20% of women said they seldom or never had orgasms during intercourse. Only 25% said they consistently do. In another, 38% said that when they don’t orgasm, a common obstacle is “not enough clitoral stimulation.”

Since penetrative sex often doesn’t directly stimulate the clitoris, this could explain why other types of sex – or clitoral stimulation during intercourse, which women considered the most common way they got off with a partner – may be more optimal.

When we consider the activities that often help women reach orgasm as warmup or extra, we deprioritize women’s pleasure.

12. People Think the Orgasm Gap Is Biological

Orgasm inequity is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When men believe women’s bodies are an impossible puzzle, they don’t try to solve it. Neither do women who are taught their own pleasure is inaccessible.

That’s why it’s important we acknowledge all the societal factors that contribute to this discrepancy. Genetics can’t be fixed, but a lot of these problems can, which means that closing the orgasm gap is possible.

***

If you’re a woman having trouble orgasming, it’s likely not you. It may not be the result of any carelessness on your partner’s part either. You may just need to talk about it, challenge the myths you’ve learned about sexuality, and, if necessary, seek help for any psychological or medical conditions that could be contributing to the problem.

Or maybe it’s not a problem at all. Maybe orgasming isn’t important to you, and that’s your choice as well. But if it is something you would like, you have the same right to ask for it as your partner. If he expects orgasms from you, he shouldn’t mind you wanting one.

It’s not too much to ask, and your anatomy isn’t too complicated. The only thing that’s complicated is the toxic set of messages we’re taught about sexuality. But that’s not on you or your body.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

werewolftrial​

I'm curious about your bringing up Jack Halberstam for critique in a recent post. To clarify, is it the combination of his platform + politics with his gender situation that makes the latter feel weird to you? Because I can definitely understand resenting someone who's got a platform from which to say weird stuff that affects people who face trans issues he mostly doesn't face (e.g. healthcare, making more "demands" in terms of names and pronouns, whatever).

Though I don't really think there's anything wrong with his gender situation in abstract, and wouldn't want to give extra scrutiny to someone who's non-normative in some ways. Maybe if I read Female Masculinity or more of his writing I'd feel less sympathetic, though, since he IS a professor with influence in his field, not a teenager trying to figure out their gender on Tumblr.

Good question! It’s a couple of things.

1) The first was how terrible Female Masculinity made me feel. That’s a personal problem, to an extent, but there is a serious dearth of good books for trans men, and when I had a role on a book project esp for transmasculine people, I found maybe one book (that’s Testosterone Files) which I felt was written by a man, for men, about men, in a large sea of basically post-lesbian-butch-cusp-genderqueer-postmodernism.

Which is a fine gender place to be, but its frustrating to have these books constantly recommended to you because those are the writers who dominate our academic space. In contrast, look at how many fantastic trans women there are in both fiction and non-fiction contexts.

2) The second is...I do have a suspicion of what I’d call, political genderqueerness? And that suspicion, like all gatekeeperly urges, is not necessarily the best place to be politically.

But as part of that, I tend to be impatient with discussions of transness which seem to be taking pleasure in radicalism or illegibility, because it doesn’t vibe with my materialist experience of...how terrible it is for you to have an incongrous gender presentation.

So like, their description of how they came to identify in more of a genderweird space is:

When I was doing all that research on drag kings, I was like, well I’m not going to be Judith in this world of genderqueerness, I’m going by a male name. And at that point, I kind of wish I’d gone with the name Jude, because it would’ve been an easier transition for everybody, and for me too, and instead I just picked a very masculine name, I picked Jack, and now it’s stuck. So I’m Jack. But now I’m going more and more by Jack—I’m not transitioning, necessarily, but I’m in a lot of genderqueer contexts where people do gender by gender preference, not by your body, and I totally appreciate that. But then I suddenly had to face up to the question of whether Jack was my preferred name or not. So some people call me Jack, my sister calls me Jude, people who I’ve known forever call me Judith—I try not to police any of it. A lot of people call me he, some people call me she, and I let it be a weird mix of things and I’m not trying to control it.  (source)

And that seems so off to me; although there’s not really any harm or wrongness in changing your name or gendered presentation for light reasons instead of heavy ones, its not necessarily something I feel much connection to. It reads to me like a cisgender person’s understanding of what genderqueer people are - you know, “when you cut your hair and dye it blue and ask for different pronouns to explore gender”; but perhaps we can attribute this to the fact Halberstam is an older writer, with different ways of understanding language and identity.

It’s not totally important to my understanding of self that other people read me as a man. It’s important that they read me as masculine, and it’s important that they read me in some way that I’m at odds with female embodiment. But it’s also important that they read me as someone who is not going to have that tension resolved by getting some surgeries.

And that’s not a terrible place to be, nor is she the first or last person to value being visibly queer - but then that’s her point of entry to transness, and so her interest in a book like “female masculinity” is in that incongruity/contrast, and her book about “passing” is as someone who still finds butch a useful term and tends to understand himself politically as lesbian adjacent, and....

I suppose in some ways, my worry is that writers like Halberstam are (inadvertently) part of a trans respectability politics, presenting as radical ideas which are really quite normative when it comes to actual binary transsexuals. For actual binary transsexuals, the idea that transition is a site of political radicalism, fascination, part of a gender-divergent tradition linked to their asab, a third gender neither male nor female space - those are often the roots of oppression.

It’s just less legible because Halberstam is not a gay man writing about the history of trans women as a series of radical cross-dressers living as a kind of third sex. I think people would be a lot quicker to see why that approach did not pass the sniff test; but we’re so used to accepting this vision of transmasculinity that it’s harder to call out.

3) and finally, I’ve read the first chapter of Trans and you know, it just seems off.

Within the first 21 pages, Halberstam wades in in defence of the bar named “Trannyshack” and defends RuPaul’s use of the word; and then goes on to use the comedy trans woman scene from Monty Python’s Life of Brian as an illustrative example of the pointlessness of trying to control language. There’s definitely a “oh no I will be arrested for using a wrong pronoun :(” vibe to it.

And while I can get on board with that to an extent, I also don’t think it’d be the main thrust of page 14 of chapter one of my book on Transness, was I ever given the opportunity to write one. 

For example, I would not prominently quote Monty Python as a source on transgender politics.

Nor would I be referring to critics of a 1970s comedy skit featuring a non-passing trans woman character written by a bunch of posh cis blokes as “defensive”, and like, is this really the first depiction of a trans woman in a text that comes to mind for Halberstam to use, in the introduction to a new major work, seen as worthy of serious analysis as a representation of transgender politics?

It feels woefully out of touch, and if a cis person tried this we’d rightfully shred them for it - it’s uninformed, detached from real-life activism, it blithely speaks over trans women twice in the first 21 pages without recognising the limits of his perspective, and - you know. It sounds awfully cis to me, and not in ways that can be understood as an older queer person with outdated terminology. 

4)

It feels like Halberstam is using the malleability of queerness and queer gender identities as a kind of shield against critique. So as you say - I agree, there’s definitely nothing wrong with this kind of gender place, and I don’t want to start making demands on who’s “really trans” based on trivial things like, surgical status or choice of terminology. At the same time, people have to be honest about their limitations.

I feel that Halberstam is presenting themselves as an expert on this topic, without recognising why a cisgender establishment finds her work more palatable and praiseworthy than that of others. Halberstam has a sense of their own radicalism which is inaccurate. Seeing trans people as some weird experimental variant of their birth sex is a standard cissexist trope, as much as Halberstam et al would like it to be the more radical perspective.

We can see it in - for example - seeing physical transition as “resolving gendered ambiguity” in a way that, I think, few transsexual people would agree with. Post-transition bodies rarely resolve gender ambiguity in a straightforward way, and often remain incongruous on a physical level.

So, you know, something just seems...very off-base.

And then to have a book like Female Masculinity maintain status as one of the very few available academic texts theorising transmasculinity. & its basically because its underlying argument is cosy and does not challenge the status quo.

tl;dr as an individual, I’ve nothing against her gendered embodiment; as a thinker, I think she needs to acknowledge her limitations, and especially to read up seriously both on trans feminism and writing by actual transsexual men before approaching this topic again; or to make it clearer that the perspective she’s coming from is a specific niche

& thanks again for a good question

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[destroyyourbinder]

the day i was a man

In the summer of 2019, I decided to fully shave my head into a buzzcut, something I had never done before. I had a lot of feelings emerge and re-emerge at the time. While I was still visibly female in my day to day life- something that felt uniquely frightening given the utter dykeyness of my haircut- I accidentally discovered one day in August that my haircut could allow me to pass as male. While I had deliberately tried to “pass” in an earlier life, at the height of experiencing gender dysphoria, I was never taken to be a man except by chance (such as from behind or from afar). So potentially being able to pass as male was a new and disorienting experience, one I felt compelled to explore out of multiply perverse kinds of curiosity. As a context note: I mention my partner frequently in this piece, who has detransitioned from her transition from female to male, but chooses to handle her situation through continuing to pass as male at work and in public. Her experiences unavoidably framed my experience trying to pass for a day, and this experiment changed permanently how I see both her passing persona and the public presentation of female transgender people. If you can pull it off, and perhaps even if you can’t (a different, but also nervewracking experience), I recommend women try this at least once, especially if you claim to understand the experiences of transgender female people. It is a female experience to which there are truly few comparisons, and to which even the majority of living gender non-conforming lesbians cannot relate. Having largely recovered from gender dysphoria, I cannot imagine having to permanently live my life this way nor finding it affirming to do so, and I am disturbed that this experience was one I once aspired to and envied. However, I am glad I had it, and I plan to try again sometime in this upcoming summer when I can cut my hair without freezing. My partner now knows I did this, and I am especially curious what it might be like being seen together.

I wrote this the day I chose to do this experiment. My goal was to take public transportation to a shopping center so I could check out some shoes I was considering buying. The first part (in present tense) I wrote before leaving the house and while dressed in preparation, the second part (in past tense) was written after I returned, using my memories of the experience. It has been mildly edited for readability and to include a few details and pieces of context.

----

I am scared of what happens not if I pass but if I don’t pass. In trying to become a man I have become a woman I am afraid of and afraid for. It’s often the same thing when you are a woman watching women. I am having trouble breathing under three sports bras when I usually wear none. My chest is flat unless I actually stand up straight and proud. I have to be ashamed to become a man, although they say men are confident and becoming one will make you so. I debate whether or not to put some kind of fake dick in my pants, although I doubt that will do anything, and I shudder to think what will happen if I do and it doesn’t work. Being a woman with a dick stuffed in your pants: at best I’m pathetic, at worst I am a monster.

I don’t know how to explain this to my girlfriend. I don’t know how to explain that I had to do this, at least once. I don’t know how to explain to her something she already knows.

I wonder if I’ve been watching too many music videos. I wonder if this is about sex. I don’t know how I can wash our dishes while being a man, but I decide I should try before I try something bold like letting people look at me.

The danger of not passing is violence. The danger internally is that it would be deserved. I realize there’s no real way to justify wanting to do this, nonetheless actually doing it. I think wanting to transition is sublimated fear. I wonder if this will help me with my social anxiety, because this fucking sucks. This is not the exposure therapy the doctor ordered. It feels familiar to be ashamed of myself and hold my body this way, like an old chair molding around my butt, like stepping into old shoes. Dykes go to the outdoor store but do bulldykes go there? I realize I don’t know anything about bulldykes. I understand why so many trans people are so preoccupied with being fake vs. real, false vs. genuine. There is something intrinsically very fake about passing. You are faking the other sex. Of course you feel fake. It is a pretense. It feels very odd to pretend so seriously, so people pretend that they are not pretending after all. I am fixated on the small things all over again. I find myself wondering when I tie my girlfriend’s boots to my feet whether or not men have ankles like mine. My laces are too wide at the bottom, too small at the top. I worry that this will lead me to be discovered or worse, mocked. I know this is absurd but in this state I don’t feel like I can take any chances, like I would even know what chances to take. When I went to get the bus I thought I saw my coworker. It ended up not being her, but I crossed the street and circled back because I didn’t want her to see me so strange, doing something so weird and incomprehensible. I understand now why people change towns, friends, abandon their family. This is difficult to explain, even if you say you are “trans”. It doesn’t make sense, fundamentally, to anyone with a grounding in their body. The bus driver was a big black woman, serious face, tattoos. I think she was a dyke. I got the sense she was looking at me out of the side of her eye when I got on the bus, but that might be paranoia. I didn’t know because I didn’t want to look her in the face too hard. I get why my girlfriend’s so avoidant in public. You don’t want people to know what you’re doing, you don’t want people to see your face. It’s real hard to know what emotion to put on there when you’re a dude. It’s real scary to not have the barrier of a woman’s smile or laugh anymore. It almost feels nice to not have to do it, but how do you handle anything? I’m the type of woman who’s been able to get away with this gender weirdo shit throughout my life because I gave an oh-shucks smile at the end of it, that little woman’s laugh that means I’m not a threat, not serious, not anything at all. When you’re “a man” you can’t do that anymore. You’re naked under six layers of clothes. When you can’t do that anymore you’ve got nothing except sheer bravado and nothing to back it up. What if it doesn’t work, what if you suddenly become the type of girl who doesn’t smile? I get why my girlfriend doesn’t look anybody in the face, even though she looks real fucking shifty sometimes. You can’t look a man in the face and not be able to back it up. Men are like reactive dogs. They’ll get fucked up if you look them in the eye. On the bus I realized all of the sudden even though I’ve read a billion passing guides, and I’ve stared down dudes real jealous my whole life I do not know how a man sits. I had fixated so much on the legs and where they go that I didn’t know what they did with hands, elbows; how do you look out the window if you’re a guy? What do you look at? I snatched glances at the dude up front, an ambiguously brown teen who could probably pass as white in the right places but not the wrong ones, a dude with a big mop of floppy curly dark hair and what looked like a serious case of apathy. He was scrolling on his phone, and I could see the divots of acne scars forming on the side of his face. Guy didn’t look like he could grow a lot of facial hair but probably made up for it with encyclopedic knowledge of Fortnite or some shit. I knew he had a life, but he seemed like most men, kind of constitutionally dull. He wasn’t looking at anything, really, I guess only kids and women really look at stuff. Which made it hard to do the whole clandestine observation thing, I decided, a guy who looks at stuff is not really a dude. I tried to look kinda dumb and wasn’t sure where my jaw should go. The girlfriend does this thing sometimes with her mouth that makes me cringe when she does it at home. Sometimes she phases in and out of her passing persona if she’s talking about work or feeling threatened for whatever reason, if she’s in a different place and time than the place and time where she’s home and a wife and all that. She does a little underbite, doing that thing that internet FTMs do in the pictures they take; I figured she learned to do it like a little bird puffs itself up, it makes her little head look bigger and squarer. I tried to do it when out and about; my teeth don’t fit together that way. I’m sure I looked like a moron. But men do dumb shit all the time.

I transferred to the train, and when I got off at the station I ended up walking kinda the wrong way for a while. I imagined all the people in the cars staring at me. I hate walking on the sidewalks along highways and strip malls. I dunno if they look, and if they do, what they see. I was real nervous but I figured I didn’t know any of them anyway and made it into the shopping center where the store was. It occurred to me that if this was an adventure it was quite a stupid one, but it was an adventure nonetheless, complete with the actual lack of excitement and the actual presence of fear. I had never been in this particular store before and everything was displayed so tastefully. I was dismayed to notice the presence of a million salespeople, and realized I didn’t fucking know which gender of shoe I even wanted to try to look at because I didn’t know how I was coming across. I was not going to be a dude who asks for women’s shoes, a.k.a. a woman who’s obviously doing something real weird asking for women’s shoes nonetheless. And at this store you gotta ask for the shoes, and I didn’t want to use my voice because I’m pretty sure I’m obviously female by voice. So I just stared awkwardly at the shoes, mostly, I checked the prices and the clearance racks, and they were too expensive anyway. At one point I realized I was looking at the women’s shoes (which seemed like a huge fucking big deal) and I went to cross over to the men’s shoes, there was a group of bros standing in front of the men’s shoe wall and they parted like the red sea when I went over. I think this was passing because frankly I’ve never had men ever get out of my fucking way. I ended up circling around the store and leaving because no way was I going to afford any of the shit in there, and they didn’t even have very many shoes of the kind I was looking for. I went into the chain pet store next door and wandered around in there. There was a young person working the register who was a young lesbian or a trans kid or something. Every time I saw a woman I felt guilty, it was real weird to be separated so much from women. I had thoughts of jumping out, you know, and saying “boo”, following a woman a bit too close to see what would happen, even though I knew that would be real fucking mean. But it would be the test. See how women react to you: are you still a woman yet? What happens when you’re not a women to women anymore? It seems real fucking lonely. I was already lonely, and it had been maybe three hours. Men are real rude to other men. Some old white sales guy was like,“excuse me”, real curt and direct in a way I’d never got before, not gentle but not with the contempt-force they use towards a fucked up woman. It was empty of all the shit I’d learned to expect. How men deal with the emptiness I don’t know. They must fill it with all sorts of nonsense just to pass the time, just for kicks, is that why they want to hit each other and fuck things? There was a little girl with her family outside the stores, she had a floppy autistic hand and was wearing cargo shorts, I wished her luck inside my head but couldn’t smile at her and my heart broke.

I walked around and tried to find the other location of a store I used to work at. I knew it was around there somewhere but couldn’t find where the building was. My stomach was grumbling and it occurred to me that if I needed to use a bathroom I’d be screwed. Even if I was still plausibly visibly female I was female in the way that’d get me bathroom trouble, and I wasn’t quite dudely enough to stride into the men’s. The store I used to work at had gender neutral bathrooms, and I realized a hell of a lot of trans people must be in a huge pickle all the time. I understand the bathroom resentment even if trans people project their validation shit onto it. It’s easier to believe you’re being invalidated than that you’re scared because you’re doing something real weird and you’re in hiding all the time. I don’t know how people live like this full time. There’s got to be a lot of grief, nihilism, resignation when you finally make it so you can’t go back. The tension’s unbearable: I imagine a lot of trans people think that the tension will be resolved if they make themselves undiscoverable, if they just push themselves more towards perceptibly male.

The sports bras were hurting me. It was hard to walk so much in this get up. I found I was breathing with my mouth open a lot to get enough air, and the word “mouthbreather” kept occurring to me. I realized the shit that I had to knock out of me as an autistic woman was double-edged as someone trying to pass. A lot of it actually helped, a healthy and hamhanded disrespect/disregard for etiquette is very male, but I realized I was still real weird with weird motivations and weird in ways that would make me stick out even as a dude. I understood why the girlfriend has a persona-- she says he’s some nobody, a stoner dude, a guy who doesn’t have all that much to say and of course it’s kinda stupid if he did-- to cover the incongruities. Before I got back on the train there was this young black woman with a swagger, wearing what looked like men’s pants, wandering around the platform. I figured the universe was fucking testing me today because she might be gay too. She was talking on her phone in a video chat, getting way too close to the edge. She wobbled over the edge a couple times, then decided to sit on the fucking platform with her legs out over the tracks . Some shady white guy wearing gloves was doing some weird shit with the ticket machines, a lot of coins were coming out and he was rustling around. I figured he had some kinda scheme and decided to leave him very alone because I didn’t know how the fuck I was supposed to react as a fellow guy if he wanted something from me. The woman didn’t look up when the train coming the opposite way signaled, and I got scared I was gonna have to drag her off the tracks, like maybe she wasn’t doing good and she was gonna try something. I realized I didn’t want to die as a man, didn’t want that woman to be saved by me as a man, what if they called up my girlfriend and said I was some dude, what if she found me in three sports bras and three shirts in the hospital, what would everyone think. Swagger gal jumped the hell out of her skin and scooted away when our train was coming, so I didn’t have to worry about it. When I got on some family plopped down in front of me, and I felt that grief again. If I was a man I couldn’t look at kids with the same gentleness, there was no solidarity with the mom and her weariness, I couldn’t take the load on my hips alongside her. I didn’t want to do this any more. I had planned to catch the bus on my way back but the bus wasn’t going to come for a while. I decided to walk from my home train station and see if I could catch my girlfriend at work but realized I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t know who I was, walking through the dark back into the neighborhood. I peeked into a dark bar with sports on the televisions, a lot of normal heterosexuals doing their thing. But back on the main drag it was trendier heterosexuals everywhere. I stopped beside a dark park to take off two of the bras and tucked them in my pockets. I had no idea what the fuck I looked like when I was walking somewhere more familiar, didn’t know where to put my chin, didn’t know whether I was incongruent, incomprehensible, or I was just myself. My clothes were all mine except the beanie and the boots. It was nothing crazy but I felt crazy, I felt split in two, schizophrenic in the old-school definition way. If my coworkers saw me they’d know me, but maybe I wouldn’t know me in return. When I got to my girlfriend’s workplace I realized she wasn’t in the building; she had stepped across the street to take a break and get some air. I don’t think she recognized me coming across the street. I felt all fucked up for a long hot second until she broke into a smile. I couldn’t tell if she was astonished I was out and about in the area at that hour or that that body was me. I wandered on home, got an Arizona iced tea, went up to the corner pharmacy all weird in the head and high on drag to get some mascara to see if I could make me a beard someday. The people at the pharmacy usually know me, and I didn’t want to be some weirdo who was trying to be a guy in front of them. The guy who I think’s a manager was around, then a barely-outta-adolescence woman with a bob of orange hair and strange makeup and a big old nose ring. These days they make eyebrow mascara, in each brand there were a million different kinds. Who knew, and who knew it cost 12 bucks for a little tube. I went around the corner feeling lucky: there was some in the clearance section. Why someone like me’d buy mascara for your eyebrows, who knows. I was titillated by the tiny brushes. The young woman at the counter wanted to talk to me about my nose ring, hers was only a tad bigger, and she told me she must’ve hit a nerve when she stretched. Her piercings were nice, I was happy to have a conversation with a woman as a woman of some sort even though she was a different kind of woman all in all. When the wall comes down it’s terrible. I can’t imagine that wall all the time and what that must do to women behind it.

[nandalorian]

Since I posted my thoughts about how Roswell has adequately represented queer men on the show and completely shit the bed on their representation of most everything else, I need to address the epically fucked-up treatment of female queerness and the queer female gaze in the context of Isobel and Rosa. This has been bugging me for a few weeks, and the reveal of Noah as the fourth alien pretty much cemented my feelings on the matter. I know there are people who feel the way I do about it, but if there’s another post on the subject I just haven’t seen, please link me. And if you disagree completely about this too, that’s cool. Let’s discuss.

While in my last post I applauded the show on its treatment of Michael’s bisexuality, I still don’t feel great about the introduction of a Michael/Alex/Maria love triangle. It’s one thing for Carina to double down on her defense of love triangles and insist they are not an overused and biphobic trope in popular media--news flash, it is, and in this case it’s also potentially damaging to the one black woman on the show, who will almost certainly bear the brunt of fans’ ire for “stealing Michael away” if they go through with a Maria/Michael relationship. I’m sorry if I don’t take a random straight white woman’s insistence to the contrary as gospel. Saying your formative years were shaped by straight love triangles doesn’t change the fact that it’s an insulting trope to women and an outright damaging one to queers, not even taking into consideration how the two intersect, or further when you consider POC characters, etc. You can’t compare straight relationships with queer ones, in the same way you can’t compare white experiences with nonwhite ones. To insist otherwise denies a whole system of privilege that drastically shapes and influences people’s lived experiences. 

But that isn’t what I want to address, because it’s another thing altogether to come for female sexuality and queerness. If I was willing to maybe give Malex a pass on the good-intentions-written-badly front, this is a hill I’m ready to die on. Isobel’s arc in season 1 of RNM demonstrates a lack of understanding that these are identities equally vulnerable to attack, exploitation, and misrepresentation--maybe even more so--as male queerness. That the outrage about Malex drowns out this other but no less important conversation kind of reaffirms the point I’m trying to make.

More under the cut.

Female sexuality has always struggled to find positive representation in popular media, no matter the time period or culture. Compared to male sexuality, it is not taken seriously, always played against the male gaze, or disregarded altogether because it excludes men. Queer female desire challenges societal structures around male desire and sexuality because it just… doesn’t require men to function and in fact actively rejects them. This is obviously a problem because the patriarchy loves it when men are shown to be extraneous and irrelevant. 

A lot of us know what it is to be invalidated as queer women, socially and sexually. Put your hand up if you’re a woman (in which I include cis and trans women, of course) or nonbinary individual who desires women and has been told, oh, you just haven’t met the right man yet, or oh, you’re just putting on a show for male attention. We have all been there and experienced this kind of erasure to various degrees of aggressiveness. This refrain is especially loud for bisexual women, who suffer erasure and ridicule from queer and straight communities alike, but the fact is, women’s sexuality has always been portrayed as less than or dependent upon that of a man’s. That isn’t to say bisexual men don’t also experience bi erasure. They do, and this is as much a product of homophobia as it is the primacy of the queer male gaze even within queer spaces and contexts. But in this case I’m addressing that of female and nonbinary bi-erasure and biphobia.

Furthermore, the role of queer women in society and popular media has always been underrepresented compared to that of gay men, or seen as more harmless or less significant, groundbreaking, or offensive for a couple of reasons: namely that a lot of people have played down or played off the existence of female sexuality and desire because they doubt its validity to begin with, or it’s “allowed” because it’s desirable to the male gaze. In some ways this has worked in our favour because subversive or queer female behaviour and desire in media have been able to fly beneath the radar, but it’s still a symptom of a greater problem.

I include this preamble because the writers of Roswell New Mexico have stunningly managed to ignore or remain ignorant to this context. The straight women on the show are shown to express their sexuality in upfront or positive ways, even opening up conversations about kink and reversing gender roles, but often in problematic ways too. The show sometimes fails the Bechdel Test or reduces characters, especially WOC like Maria, to having no purpose but to desire male characters and be desired by them, or portrays them as unable to want sex without quickly falling in love the way Maria seemingly has done with Michael. They’ve known each other for over a decade, and yet Maria only catches feelings after they’ve had sex, a night that, supposedly, meant nothing to her but quickly is revealed not to be the case. Interesting.

But beyond even that, my beef is with the whole Isobel-might-be-bisexual-and-in-love-with-Rosa-Ortecho storyline. I was excited about it at first; I couldn’t believe our luck that we had not one, but two bisexual characters on the show, and one of them was a bisexual woman married to a really awesome and seemingly caring South Asian man. But it was not to be, and this to me is ridiculously tone deaf and offensive in light of the fact that she was possessed by a male alien the whole goddamn time.

This tells us two equally disturbing things about the writers’ take on the queer female gaze and queer female sexuality: a) according to them, in this context, it literally doesn’t exist, and b) it is wholly a product of and subject to the male gaze.

From the promo for 1x12 it looks like they are going to delve a little bit into the mindfuck around consent due to Noah effectively brainwashing/tricking Isobel into marrying him, but one aspect of this I’d be surprised if they acknowledge is how he has also robbed Isobel of agency over her own sexuality. Not only has she been in a nonconsensual relationship with Noah this whole time, but he’s stripped her of the ability to discern whether her desires are her own, including the possibility that she is bisexual. As a woman, how can Isobel take her own sexuality seriously/see it as valid when she’s been forced to reconcile with the fact that, until now, it hasn’t been?

And that’s not even scratching the surface of the fact that a man used a woman, against her will and without her knowledge, to kill another woman. All over the simple fact that Rosa didn’t desire him/Isobel by extension. This stupid-as-fuck storyline is literally about weaponizing queer female sexuality in order to do violence against women. 

Just think about that for a second.

To make matters worse, Noah is a South Asian man and represents a community that is already marginalized in white media and society. Brown men have, in white culture, been relegated to two-dimensional stereotypes, rejected as love interests, and often portrayed as villains, and instead of positively developing an Indian character in a multiracial relationship and using that representation for good, he’s been made to violate his wife and use her to kill another woman. My girl @insidious-intent has written a really fantastic post to that end and I’d encourage you to read it. According to Carina, hiring Karan Oberoi to play Noah was colourblind casting. But viewers aren’t naive enough to buy that it’s ever that simple, or it shouldn’t be. I don’t see how you can write a nonwhite character the same as you would a white one and not expect it to have deeper or more damaging implications.

So my point, or at least one of them, is this: the failure of Roswell New Mexico to its queer viewers isn’t just that they’ve desecrated a ship as sacred as Malex or, at best, totally failed to do it justice. Roswell has failed us by invalidating and retconning female sexuality, and if this isn’t something we should all be angry about, straight and queer viewers alike, I don’t know what to tell you. While people are justified in expressing their anger to Carina about Malex, I think it’s also important to acknowledge and protest JUST AS LOUDLY the queer female angle. When you are thinking about how to represent, express, and phrase your disappointment to the production team, remember this goes far deeper than Malex. She has let us all down in ways that have nothing to do with our ship potentially not becoming a reality by the end of this season. She’s let POC viewers down just as resoundingly hard, both distinctly and factoring in the intersectionality of their writing choices.

All writers make mistakes. I want to put that out there. And I also want to put it out there that the issues around queer and POC representation are serious and disappointing, but not insurmountable if the writing team shows a willingness to learn, improve, and listen if the show is greenlit for season 2. But that isn’t what they’re doing. Carina has taken a stand, via Twitter, that they’ve done nothing wrong, and that is a big red flag that the writing team isn’t as woke as it likes to pretend and definitely not interested in listening to criticisms about their politics or how they try to convey them. So are her efforts of trying to silence bisexual viewers with legitimate criticism, or POC viewers doing the same thing. She and the writers would rather praise themselves for their token representation than acknowledge, listen to, and learn from real people expressing real concerns and sharing lived experiences.

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

ZEITUNG ONLINE 11/11/19

Interview: Rabea Weihser

https://www.zeit.de/kultur/musik/2019-11/conchita-wurst-tom-neuwirth-queen-of-drags-heidi-klum

Conchita Wurst : "For me as a man, this is very difficult to discuss"

Is drag cultural appropriation? Tom Neuwirth alias Conchita Wurst sits on the jury of the new Heidi Klum show "Queen of Drags" and must hear many allegations.

Tom Neuwirth just turned 31 years old. At 17, he reached the second place in the Austrian talent show "Starmania" and was a member of the boy band Jetzt Anders for a short time ! In 2012 he took part in the Austrian preselection for the Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) for the first time in the guise of his art figure Conchita Wurst. The protest was big: Should a woman with a beard represent the country? Two years later he tried again and won the biggest singing competition in the world for Austria. Now Neuwirth has gotten rid of the long hair and released his third album "Truth over Magnitude". As of November 14, he will appear on the screen of the casting show "Queen of Drags" alongside Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz on ProSieben. Since the announcement, there has been strong criticism of this broadcast format - especially from the queer community. How does Neuwirth handle it? We meet him in October in a hotel in Berlin, he sits down and hums a happy fanfare.

ZEIT ONLINE: Mr. Neuwirth, you have short hair and now appear as Wurst, without Conchita. From the press release for your new album, we take that is now your "masculine-edged" contrast program. Does it always need an art figure that embodies a certain facet, or at some point you can sometimes say, "My name is Tom Neuwirth and that's all"?

Tom Neuwirth: I have the feeling that I am now as close to my private person as never before. Maybe last was when I was 17 and at Starmania. I constantly get the question: Is it him or her now? I then always entice myself to open a drawer to explain to people what is actually going on. In the end, it's just me, and sometimes with a wig, sometimes without, sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine.

ZEIT ONLINE: Without this glamorous costuming you are probably much more approachable, even for the fans.

Neuwirth: Of course, I notice that without the wig the situations in which people recognize me become more and more frequent. And I'm not sure how funny that is. Barbara Schöneberger once said that she would not be recognized on the street if she did not wear make-up. I'm trying that too. (laughs out loud)

TIME ONLINE: Not really, right?

Neuwirth: Of course it's a double-edged sword. I have understood in recent years: The lightness and the world in my head are not always compliant with a First Lady Conchita in a pencil skirt and well-shorn hair. What I'm doing now is part of my personality that I have not lived up to now in a female appearance. I've always danced to electro music privately and thought to myself: Why do not I make music that I like?

ZEIT ONLINE: Does Truth over Magnitude mean a musical cut or is it more in your production?

Neuwirth: I had created a President's wife and worked and lived according to this protocol. I lost myself after the song contest. Musically, of course, it's a different sound, although on my first studio album, I already had numbers that were relatively electronic. But they did not get that much attention. And so, yes: it was probably the larger cut optically. It was the bald spot. It freed me.

ZEIT ONLINE: With this bald head you were in February at the side of the Austrian Minister of Justice Josef Moser (ÖVP) at the Vienna Opera Ball. When you won the ESC as a bearded lady five years ago, especially conservative politicians made a derogatory remark. Heinz-Christian Strache, Vladimir Putin, Jarosław Kaczyński ...

Neuwirth: Everyone was there. Thanks for the attention. (Laughs)

ZEIT ONLINE: How do you assess the situation of trans people and homosexuals in Europe today? Could you do something with your presence?

Neuwirth: I think that something has changed in the media mainstream. Even when I talk to teenagers, I notice a sensibility that I did not know before - that's when I'm being reprimanded when I say something wrong. And that, I think, is a beautiful development. But I tend to forget that I live in a bubble too.

ZEIT ONLINE: We have to talk about the great mustard yellow lacquer stilettos you are wearing right now.

Neuwirth: You can tell that I'm from Los Angeles. I looked at myself today and thought: Ah, there is a bit left over!

ZEIT ONLINE: You were in California to shoot with Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz the new ProSieben show Queen of Drags. This is a format inspired by Ru Paul's Drag Race, a talent show for drag queens that is very successful in the USA.

Neuwirth: Let's say what it's like: Ru Paul's Drag Race has shown a growing generation that individualism is great. This has been consumed in my community for ten years. And that has also made us a bit stronger. But when I see a couple of two women or two men in Vienna, I think it's nice, but I still notice how special that is. And I believe, as long as that is still the case, we can not say that there is equality.

ZEIT ONLINE: The German audience knows Dragqueens rather in the form of Olivia Jones, Lilo Wanders or Mary from the jam advertising. They called them Tunten and always liked to bring them as birds of paradise in front of the camera, if it should be colorful or even slippery. So, if you've only seen this before, you may be wondering, what is Drag?

Neuwirth: We all make drag. We go out in the morning with our worklook, our working face, and that is already a form of metamorphosis. In this culture of stage performance, drag is a total work of art by a person who must have an incredible number of talents. In the most understandable sense, it is the illusion of a female figure.

ZEIT ONLINE: ... portrayed by someone born in the body of a man?

Neuwirth: Not mandatory. There are also women who make drag. There are also heterosexuals who make drag. There are no limits, and that's great. At Queen of Drags, we have guys who portray their version of a female illusion. This is sometimes very close to reality, with beard, others have rather created an alienesque being. I said to all my friends, they have to try dragging once.

ZEIT ONLINE: Why is that important?

Neuwirth: This mask you put on makes you uncompromisingly yourself.

ZEIT ONLINE: If you put them back then ...

Neuwirth: No. Quite simply said: You disguise yourself and this shield is a bit unrestrained. You have other conversations, you are safer in your skin. One alienates and then comes to himself. The next day, when the make-up is down, you may not be as sassy as last night. But you have learned something emotionally, and you take that with you. To see how far your own character is, how much fun you can have with you: this is one of the most beautiful experiences you can do.

ZEIT ONLINE: Cologne Carnivalists would probably say so synonymous. Is it important for this borderline experience to change into the opposite sex?

Neuwirth: No. But the illusion of the opposite sex is a bit stronger than, for example, a toadstool costume. Because, in this case, you get in touch with your female side, which is what many boys do not do, gay or heterosexual.

ZEIT ONLINE: Drag is really a pretty committed subculture. Were you traveling in this scene before you thought up Conchita Wurst?

Neuwirth: I think I was in Drag for the first time when I was 15. I went out and never felt better and more comfortable. The Drag scene in Austria is not really big, but I was looking for my stages somehow. I moderated or sang shows, danced wherever I was allowed to. When I took part in the preliminary round of the Song Contest for the first time in 2012, suddenly there were so many opportunities for me. And I was allowed to travel. Here in Berlin, I met and understood Barbie Breakout, Melli Magic and Gloria Viagra: Ah, that's the sisterhood that everyone is talking about. I love this drag community so much because we can all be a little bit more than we want. With all our emotions and sensitivities and our ego sense of being. But when the going gets tough, we stand up for each other.

ZEIT ONLINE: Every year at carnival time is discussed whether in view of the colonial history, children are still allowed to disguise as Native Americans. Miley Cyrus was scolded in 2013 because she was twerking, and actually only black women with round butts do. Canada's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is in for trouble because he went to the carnival 20 years ago with a dark face as Aladdin. If one wishes to continue this thought, one could also call drag a kind of cultural appropriation: men, who are generally in a stronger social position than women, play womanhood for entertainment. How do you see that?

Neuwirth: That's very interesting. And in certain parts that's probably true. I also found myself in situations when I worked with colleagues and the press afterwards wrote: I was great and she was vulgar. Then I realized: Oh, I'm still a white man. This imbalance prevails and it is absolutely right to think about it. It is true in part, it is an appropriation. But I think skin color is not a costume.

ZEIT ONLINE: What fascinates you about this appropriation of femininity?

Neuwirth: I was raised by strong women, I love women. The first almost 20 years of my life I listened almost exclusively to female singers, everything else I found boring. Empress Elisabeth or Maria Theresia were also such inspiring personalities, and that cultures inspire me is just as legitimate. But it is incredibly sensitive and difficult to handle properly.

ZEIT ONLINE: A flow of feminism criticized the Drag especially the representation of exaggerated female characteristics, while fighting for equal rights and reduce gender stereotypes. In modern societies, men become slightly more feminine and women more masculine. Why does the drag scene love the conservative female look?

Neuwirth: I breathe individualism. And I would find it terrible if suddenly we were all unified. I'm not concerned about gender roles. My point is that everyone recognizes his own color and paints himself with it. But why should not an overly feminine woman like Pamela Anderson be a feminist?

TIME ONLINE: This feminist current would now answer: she can not be a feminist because her looks are based on the satisfaction of the male sex drive. If she keeps dressing like that, she betrays women fighting toxic manhood.

Neuwirth: But why ... For me as a man, this is very difficult to discuss because I will never understand it authentically.

ZEIT ONLINE: This is the core of the discussion about cultural appropriation. The social or psychological pressure on marginalized people can not be understood from the outside. Do you have the right to disguise yourself as her?

Neuwirth: How could one find an answer to that? I put on clothes, because I find it stunningly beautiful. And not because I think about stepping on someone's neck ...

ZEIT ONLINE: ... or, if you agree with the image of those who may find it beautiful?

Neuwirth: Yes! I'm sorry, in my world it's all about me. I have only one life and I would like to have it as nice as it gets.

ZEIT ONLINE: The criticism of your participation in Queen of Drags must have met you. Especially drag queens have publicly lamented the sell-out of their subculture. Is not it also a kind of cultural appropriation by Heidi Klum, who is not a drag queen, to profitably use this subculture as an entertainment program?

Neuwirth: Maybe. I take this opportunity to bring the drag theme into mainstream and find that Heidi, even if she is not from that scene, has an absolute right to judge a performance. She comes from entertainment and is probably one of the most famous German-speaking people. Would this format have been achieved without her? Maybe not now, or maybe never. Or maybe on a slot, where nobody would have been interested. She is of course a multiplier and a very sensitive one. The criticism was incredibly loud, and I was a little bit confused, because our community always strives to be inclusive, inclusive and without prejudice towards people.

ZEIT ONLINE: I read a quote from the drag queen Dita Whip regarding the jury constellation: "Finally Conchita Wurst will sit next to the extrovert over the top Heidi and watch, powerless how Klum and ProSieben clog their pockets at the expense of queer culture."

Neuwirth: (laughs softly) I would not let that "powerless" stand. (laughs louder) I talked to my friends because I too needed to be sensitized, especially with regard to this cultural appropriation. I am relatively naive and draw my inspiration from everything I see and experience. I was told that financial enrichment was the main problem. And I can understand that for a while. I hope, but also that our Queens have careers according to this format and can do what they like most every day. I focus on that. Not that this statement is now total nonsense, but I think the truth is in the middle.

ZEIT ONLINE: Can I accuse you of opportunism?

Neuwirth: opportunism? I need a translator now, please.

ZEIT ONLINE: Once you said in an analogous sense: Maybe my career will last another 20 years, I just take everything with me. Let ProSieben pull you out of the car to bring credibility to the show?

Neuwirth: Oh, opportunism!

ZEIT ONLINE: There is money, attention, airtime. Is it justified to offend parts of the sisterhood? Or say, "Yo, run with me, that's the business"?

Neuwirth: I have received many such inquiries in the last few years. It took us until we got to the point of being able to realize this show. And I'm probably not an opportunist. I'm just fired up if anything interests me. I am a drag race fan and I come back from L.A. with a full heart. Of course it's a huge show and I love to be in the limelight, I love being in the spotlight. At the same time, I consider myself selective and do not do everything. I hoped that this project would be more personal to me than just a TV show. And that's what it actually has become. It was so much fun that I just hope it translates to the audience. It was just awesome.

[toongrrl-blog]

Part One of Barb Series: Why Barb Died (Character Device Talk)

*Please watch the Betty Draper Francis video first, for extra credit, check out the channel’s vid on Jack Dawson and come with knowledge of Beth March*

Happy end of the 2010s! Before I discuss what Barb could have brought to the Party in Stranger Things I need to discuss how as a character she needed to die.

1. Beth March

In one scene in Little Women, the girls and Laurie discuss their ambitions for adult life. Oldest sister Meg wants to marry and have kids, oldest middle sis Jo wants to become a known and successful writer, youngest sister Amy wants to become rich and famous as an artist and maybe a socialite, and middle child Beth wants things to stay the way they are for her, with her loving family at her side. What’s wrong with this? What the other three sisters have in common is that they are hoping for adult lives which include a lot of change, responsibility, independence (either as a career woman or running a household with little kids underfoot), new experiences, and even new people in their lives (Meg would need to meet a guy to marry and have kids with him, Jo would need to meet people in her professional life, Amy would entertain guests and appeal to patrons). Shy Beth is a talented pianist, vet, and doll collector and is very charitable but she doesn’t seem to want to take the risks it would take to grow as a person and thrive and mature or be noticed for her own merits aside from “Angel of the House” and the future looks pretty hostile; so by the end of the novel, Beth has died in her early 20s while sisters lives have changed (Meg married and had children in a cottage while gaining confidence as a homemaker, wife, and mom; Jo sells her writing and meets a professor who wants to start a school where she becomes headmistress after they marry; Amy goes on a Grand Tour of Europe and marries wealthy and happy).

The series Stranger Things, on a whole, is a coming-of-age series that borrows from the John Hughes and Steven Spielberg films of that era that captured the joys and pains of growing up, while Joyce’s and Hop’s storylines borrow from conspiracy thrillers around that era and somewhat from Hitchcock films. All these films captured ordinary people undergoing extraordinary (E.T., North By Northwest, The Goonies, The Stepford Wives) and life altering events (Jaws, The Breakfast Club, Silkwood) that force them to encounter challenges and make decisions they wouldn’t normally make in their mundane lives. Joyce ends up facing a monster with an axe and even makes demands of people who could wipe her off the Earth, the boys have to ride their bikes to evade murderous men in vans and hide a young traumatized girl, Nancy has to learn to create and use deadly weapons and use her skills of sneaking out for something besides sex, Jonathon has to cut his and another girl’s hand to lure a monster to their trap, Hop sneaks into a morgue just to slit a dead boy’s corpse and find cotton stuffing, Will has to use what knowledge and skills he has to survive another world filled with creatures out to kill him, most of the kids throughout the series have to lie and break laws to save their town. 

While the official guide does list Barb as being a varsity softball player and a mathlete and Shannon Purser concurs that Barb would have been the Velma of the group if she lived, there is one big thing that separates the Velmas from the Barbs and Beth’s of the world: Velma takes risks, she would trespass private looking property and dilapidated buildings to solve a mystery. Barb is a loyal friend and honest and studious and smart, but she’s ultimately the good girl archetype: cautious, obedient to her elders, predictable, conservatively and femininely dressed, chaste. An archetype that Nancy is trying to flee (not that the alternative of being a girl who sneaks out with her boyfriend to makeout is going to help Nancy at all) to avoid ending up like her mother. Barb has the fangs (talent and means) to be a Party member, she just lacks the nerve to jump and sink those fangs.

2. Commentary on the Patriarchy and the Tyranny of Beauty Standards

Most of the female characters in the series don’t fit the strict criteria of their Reagan era Indiana small town regarding what makes a good woman. Joyce is a single mother who doesn’t come with well-coiffed hair and she appears to be hysterical and is a working mother in a time and place where all these factors would label her a “bad mother”, Nancy is a frank young woman who takes risks and even asserts her sexuality and herself when plenty of people (like the shitheads at Hawkins Post) would prefer her to be a delicate virgin in pastels, El is physically stronger than the boys with her powers and she is very direct in her manner despite her soft-spoken demeanor, Max is a girl who is interested in arcade video games and skateboarding and brightly colored summer clothing and reads her Mom’s Cosmo cover to cover and is assertive, Erica is an assertive young girl who can talk truth (and shade) to adults and has a knowledge of My Little Pony and Cold War Politics, Robin is snarky and has a style that makes her stand out from most girls in Hawkins and is a teen genius, Kali’s rage and Joan Jett-esque appearance would make the preppy and pastel and autumnal tone wearing residents of Hawkins in Cardiac Care, Suzie has defied notions about girls in science and math and even the Mormon beliefs of her parents by french kissing and dating a non-Mormon boy like Dustin, and Karen despite her appearance of hot housewife perfection is dissatisfied with her marriage and comes close to cheating on her husband. 

In contrast Barb is pretty much the most conventional character: she dresses conservatively in ruffles and pink, she is seemingly chaste, follows the rules diligently and worries about getting punished by the Holland and Wheeler parents, and has a more common body type found in cis-gender women (correct me if I’m wrong, hopefully I don’t offend trans pear shaped women) and not often found in the older members of the female cast. But despite Barb’s body being common among women in general and specific to her region (the American Midwest is noted for starchy and creamy and fried foods and is historically farming country, where pioneers would find her strong for work in and out of the log cabin and give birth to the necessary amount of children i.e. extra hands for work), the delicate and slender builds of Joyce and Nancy, the classic proportionate and slender grace of Robin, and the leggy and toned image of Karen are closer to the female standard of beauty in the 1980s. In Barb’s lifetime (1967-1983), the image of beauty was dominated by leggy, toned, slim, busty women or lean women with minimal breasts: no room for tall, broad, pear shapes like herself. And in 1983, Molly Ringwald wasn’t yet a household name that freckled redheads with dry wit and atypical images could look on with pride. Hell I remember reading a copy of Color Me Beautiful where they recommend that women with heavy hips and small waists (similar features of Christina Hendricks and Shannon Purser) shouldn’t cinch their waistlines, the celebration of Marilyn Monroe pinups with round hips, pillowy thighs and tummies, rounded tushes were long gone by then. Basically Barb being her natural self, was not seen as “feminine enough” and combined with her glasses and style (any plus sized or early developing gal can tell you that it is hell to find junior styles that suit your body size and shape) have ruled her as “uncool”. 

There is also that Barb does a lot of things that the boys do: being slightly geeky, a loyal friend, has innocent and wholesome interests, chaste, and is quiet (like Will) but she still gets killed. One can sense that #JusticeForBarb came out of an anger with misogyny in media and society that tells women to be a certain way and punishes them whether they fit a mold or not. Women are still underpaid in the workplace, underrepresented in government, still deal with unequal and toxic relationships, are shamed for being virgins or for having sexual experience (Carol pokes fun at the idea of Barb finding the sex sounds too much and yet contributes to the slut shaming graffiti of Nancy), are told on one hand to look a certain way to attract the male gaze and shamed when they indulge in sexual desire (something Nancy can attest to with her glamorous mother who offers to lend her black heels and focuses on Nancy’s beauty before a funeral, the same mom who was angry her daughter had sex), they are either too fat/skinny/busty/flat/frizzy/straight haired/pale/slutty/prudish/dark/feminine/masculine/full-butt-ed/quiet/loud/naive/cynical/smart/dumb/angry/happy, and they deal with a media that sells a very narrow standard of beauty to the point that when they see a drop dead gorgeous actress or model with similar features they feel seen.

Oh Bondage, Up Yours!

*Read this is not a “Barb is a slut shamer!” piece yes that was shitty but she was a teen girl in a small 1980s town and she ISN’T starting a (paraphrasing Kimberly Nicole Foster quote) “no whores allowed campaign” OR trying to pass a law that demands women keep their ectopic pregnancies to full term*

3. End of Innocence

When Barb died, it marked the end of Nancy’s childhood and her needing to grow up. That was the night Nancy went straight from childhood (Barb), teenager (sex with Steve), and then shortly became an adult when she realized that Barb had disappeared. For many women (like myself at ages 9 and 10), the moment they get their period or grow breasts or reach a certain age, marks a dramatic end of their childhood. Suddenly many are told to police their behavior and language around boys, even policing the food they eat or their bodies. There is also extra responsibility and stress, demogorgans being one of them. Nancy is now having to deal with the sorts of issues that adult women dealt with on Mad Men along with scary monsters threatening her town and the fact her parents are not as happy as they look to the world, there is a gap between the experiences of her and Mike, she has a baby sister who probably was conceived to save the marriage, and Nancy can’t confide or trust either of her parents (who are absorbed with their own issues). Now Nancy is making big decisions that Barb, with the sheltering and seemingly close parents, will likely never deal with. Nancy is even taking fashion risks with clothes that are more functional, stylish, show off her figure, and can even withstand flayer blood and exorcising her boyfriend’s little brother.

4. A Huge Threat

Barb was intended to be a character that we connected with, someone to be built up somehow. There was a character like this in a movie: her name was Marion Crane. She was a secretary who has been supporting herself and her little sis since their parents died, patiently waiting for her boyfriend to make more money at his job so they can marry and stop sneaking around sleeping with one another, in desperation she steals a lot of money from her workplace, drives to California where she meets a mild-mannered but strange young man who manages a distant motel in the vicinity of a Victorian house where an older woman is croaking about promiscuity, after talking with him over a dinner of sandwiches in his taxidermy themed office, she goes to take a shower and has decided to return to Phoenix to return the money, then a strange figure comes with a large butcher knife in horribly out of date clothes and starts stabbing her to death.

This was from the Hitchcock film Psycho, the forerunner of the slasher genre that dominated the earlier half of the 1980s, and it premiered to shocked audiences in 1960. The meaning of the grisly murder of Marion, a character the audience was following from the beginning of the film, was that Norman Bates was a huge threat and intensified the need for Marion’s killer to be brought to justice.

The same thing can be said about the deaths of Benny and Barb, to show how much a threat the demogorgan and Hawkins National Lab were to the townspeople of Hawkins (and the world as a whole), basically such big threats that a little boy can be kidnapped from the safety of his home, a young teenage girl could be snatched up and killed from a suburban swimming pool, and a kindly cook and owner of a local diner would be executed for knowing about a runaway child. 

5. The future of Women in Stranger Things

Not all is lost, Barb’s death forced the Duffer Bros to take a look at how women were written and treated in their series, and even helped spurred tv viewers (who ordinarily wouldn’t pay attention to social issues) to take a deeper look and interest in how people especially women are treated. For some reason I like to think: Max, Robin, Erica, and Suzie are a way of recognizing Barb’s potential within the series and even what viewers saw. 

Now stay tuned to where I figure out how Barb could have been beneficial to the party.

[nacsygen]

i mean, if there's anywhere to suffer about gender, why not tumblr, amirite?

i've known for like at least five years now i'm...not cis.  i've never been able to properly explain it, to myself or to others, but the fact that it sticks around so long tells me that, like and as unlike as my brain has tried to tell me many times before about being bi ("not gay enough") and mentally ill ("not mentally ill enough") like yeah, this is clearly a part of my identity, not just a phase or me, idk, trying to be cool or fit in among all the cool non-cis people i know, i guess???

i think what confuses me is that i don't really have much dysphoria about my physical form, really.  not in my own sense of it.  not without the input of other people.  i'm a very small person and this has informed a lot of my life, yes.  i am well below average height and have never been possessed of strength or grip to speak of (i'm the sheepish one who has to ask the girl working at the pizza place, after five minutes of trying at a booth, to open my bottle of water because my hands are just too small to have a proper adult grip).  but my body is my own, and i've long since learned to live with it, and be comfortable in it.  i got no complaints.

but then, people comment without any sort of prompting on aspects of my physicality, strangers, in public, all the time - whether it's the older lady at the bus stop asking how old i am and what i do to diet because i'm Just So Small! (ma'am, this is just how i am - no, i don't diet - if i stood up you could see my gut - being southern and polite is alas also a large part of my identity -), or the threateningly verbally abusive loud misogynist at the bus stop yelling at my turned back about my "skinny ass white girl legs! get some sun, bitch!", or just today, an older cracker (here in florida that is a descriptor of a culture, not a "slur") who i've ridden the same bus with many times with he and his lady friend, coming up to me while i'm standing waiting (again) for the bus and said "hello ma'am, i was just wondering, are you from The North? where are you from?" and i looked up from my book, bc again southern politeness, and said "nah, i'm from here" and pointed at the ground.  "you're really not From The North?  i'm sorry, i don't mean to be impolite, it's just because of your legs.  they're so skinny and pale, we thought you was From The North." "No sir, I'm from right here in Florida. I just don't tan easy." "well, that was a bet I had going with that girl over there that I just lost." "yeah, sorry, sir, I'm southern born and raised." we ended up on the same bus when it got there, and as i was getting ready to disembark he said "you have a good night there, sweetie! enjoy your book!" "oh, i will." realizing the awkwardness as the bus slowly got to a stop, "sorry, i'm nice, it's all i know how to be." "alright, well, you have a good one!" (i'm pretty sure that last that i didn't even think about said more about how Southern i am than anything else i could have said.)

i know that last was a tangent, but that's the thing - i don't even think about my body as Representing Femininity until other people treat me in a different way because of it.  it happens over and over, all the time, and it's the primary cause of what i've come to recognize as dysphoria.  if i was a boy, if my hair was tucked up in my hat and my chest flattened, would these and many others over the years feel free to comment so freely about my body to me?  i really don't think so.  and that shit sucks.

to me, my body is not a Female Body, despite its resemblance to the Traditional Female Body in its curves and shapes - it is not a Female Body, it is My Body.  my breasts are not female breasts, they are my thiddies and i'm really fond of how they look and like to show them off. like, artistically, they are a gift to the world. my long wavy curls are not Female Hair, they're Rockstar Hair, Fuck You, like i grew up with the old-school and grunge male rockstars i always saw as style icons (and the female rock stars too - huge long hair is a great look for everyone!).  idk if it's because i'm really Just That Pansexual that i can look at my societally-hyper-feminized form - extremely petit,  pale, significant boobs but no ass, skinny arms and legs - and say, you know, that could be a cute guy, right there.  

i've more recently in the past few years experimented now and then more towards as gender-neutral a presentation as i can, even though that just means people see me at a distance and think i'm a pre-teen boy. and yet, people treat pre-teen boys much better than they do almost-30 petit women, is the depressing lesson i've learned from that.  

I hate how much of my questioning of my gender identity is tied into negative experiences with other people and their relationships as strangers to my perceived femaleness.  like, i live in a pretty nice neighborhood now, but i hate going to the local gas station bc the block around it is just...holla bingo time.  last time i walked there by myself i wore knee-length loose shorts and an oversized men's plain t-shirt to go with my walking nikes and baseball cap, and i STILL got hollered at.  "hey, sweetheart! you need help carrying that? hey! hey, young lady!" i did not turn - i hate acknowledging men who holler.  "hey, baby, let me give you a ride to wherever you're goin! no one's gonna bother you!" i wanted to yell back "YOU. YOU'RE BOTHERING ME." but then, he was being significantly more polite than many of the people who've hollered at me over the years, so no point in engaging and hurting anybody's feelings or enduring the "i was just trying to be nice" conversation.

and that's the thing, like. i never feel bad about being percieved as female unless people are doing it in a hurtful way. matter of fact, i have no particular relationship to being female except in hurtful ways from other peoples' perceptions.  my body is genderless, as i am genderless, and it is my body. it does what it's supposed to do and has treated me well for how i've treated it over the years. i'm not mad at my body about it. i'm mad at the people who think my form gives them a right to treat me in unacceptable ways for what should be a polite society.  i get dysphoria from the man yelling from a work truck passing by when i'm just trying to get home from my work, "HEEEEY, LIL MAMA~!" I get dysphoria from being wished "happy mother's day!", or did back in 2014, when on break at work, and a significantly older lesbian gestured at me and said to the man in question, " does she LOOK like a mother to you??"

like listen, i like wearing cute little sundresses, or skin-tight tank tops and short-shorts.  you know why? because i live in florida and it's FUCKING HOT.  they are comfortable.  they are easy.  they are simple choices, that i am allowed to make because i am afab and present femme, and i like the way they look on me and like that i'm allowed this comfort in the heat.

i hate that wearing that for my own comfort gives people a seeming license to comment freely on my body.  i hate that presenting as a woman, a "woman", means people treat me this way.  i hate the bus driver that always says "hello there, little lady" when i board his bus, and i hate that he means well by it. i hate that even when i dress in my loose, masculine, don't-get-hollered-at clothes, i still get hollered at. and i find myself wondering, if i had short hair and no boobs, if i was just a 4'11" young teenage boy, would i get hollered at like this? and no. of course not.

but i don't want my gender identity to be the opposition of a negative in favor of a positive. this has gone into a series about street harrassment when in reality there are many reasons i identify more as male or non-female than because of this. i really don't feel much reason to identify as female other than solidarity with female victims of gendered and sexualized violence. which, alright, that's probably not the most positive way to feel. or reproductive health stuff.  alright, that's just the body i was born with, and i don't feel much connection to it otherwise.  i don't want to medically transition, i don't want to change my body, but like...

i don't really know what dysphoria actually is. is it the feeling of displacement in one's own home of self? is it feeling like everything about how everyone else views you is somehow shifted two wrong lenses over at the optometrist's office? is it just feeling like something...something's really wrong here? if so, i think i’m definitely experiencing dysphoria,.

hey, i'm maria/aril, and i'm trans.  i don't know how, exactly, but i am. and here we are.

[sophygurl]

WisCon 43 panel Favorite Queer Depictions In Fiction write-up:

Whether it's a coming-of-age coming out story, a love story about queer characters, a drama or comedy centering the lives of a queer found family, or any old story that just includes a queer character or three without making a big thing about it—we all have out favorite queer stories. Whether it's books, TV shows, movies, video games, or something else, this is the panel to share the ones we love, and why we love them!

Moderator: Kate JohnsTon. Panelists:  Cat Meier, Charles Payseur, Sarah Waites, Alberto Yáñez

Disclaimers: These are only the notes I was personally able to jot down on paper during the panel. I absolutely did not get everything, and may even have some things wrong. Corrections by panelists or other audience members always welcome. I name the mod and panelists because they are publicly listed, but will remove names if asked. I do not name audience members unless specifically asked by them to be named. If I mix up a pronoun or name spelling or anything else, please tell me and I’ll fix it!

Notes:

I missed some of the panelist intro info, but Alberto identified himself as “queer AF” and Cat added “yes, I am also very queer.”

Kate asked the panelists to discuss what brought them to queer fiction, citing Mercedes Lackey as her intro point. She added “we existed and didn’t die in the first book.”

Sarah brought up Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner. When she read it, she wasn’t consciously queer yet. Once she realized that she was, she began to read a lot more.

Alberto also mentioned Lackey, specifically Magic’s Pawn. He had gotten it as a library book and found someone had written in the front of it “this book is about f**gs” and he thought “well, alright then!” He also talked about the short story Things With Beards, a re-telling of The Thing through the lens of HIV/AIDS. 

Cat mentioned Henry Fitzroy as her first queer character love. [ I didn’t catch the specific work/author but it involved the bastard son of Henry the 8th as a bisexual vampire - a quick search shows me this is probably Tanya Huff’s Blood and Smoke novels?]

Kate brought up that queer characters often don’t get a family and asked the panelists about queer characters that either have found families or that remained in their families of origin. 

Cat talked about the novella Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night by Katherine Fabian and Iona Datt Sharma.

Alberto said that, as a Latino writer, he writes a lot about family “because some stereotypes are true.” 

Sarah mentioned that Becky Chambers writes about found family quite a bit. Another example was a world where homophobia doesn’t exist in a Beauty and the Beast re-telling - In the Vanisher’s Palace. 

Charles mentioned the found family in Jacqueline Koyanagi’s Ascension [also a fave of mine!], as well as Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lemberg. He also talked about Ursula Le Guin’s The Dispossessed as a story that imagines different ways of thinking about family and queerness, as well as Pan-Humanism: Hope and Pragmatics by Jess Barber and Sara Saab about decoupling possessiveness in relationships. 

Charles also said that he has written both kinds of stories - found family and family of origin, specifically mentioning a found family in his short story Undercurrents.

Kate talked about how the 60′s SF genre was a lot of men going into space without any women, but it was still supposed to be read as cishet. Now we’re at a point where we actually can send women without men into space and it tends to be read as queer. 

She also asked about stories where it’s not just the same nuclear family and/or gender binary but just with same-sex couples slotted in.

Alberto mentioned Nicola Griffith’s Ammonite, which is about a whole world that is female in many different expressions without having to label them all. 

Cat talked about being both queer and poly and feeling very seen by Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night more than any other book. Having an example of a poly community where all relationships are equally as important as one another. 

Sarah brought up The Stars Are Legion by Kameron Hurley where the male/female nuclear family structure is just not possible. 

Charles again brought up Ascension as an example of family structures on space ships. Also Hurricane Heels by Isabel Yap, which has a magical girls trope - heavy on friendship but the importance of friendship is highlighted and some, but not all, in the friend group are queer. 

Kate talked about James Tiptree’s Houston Houston Do You Read and some of Melissa Scott’s work.

Cat added that Melissa Scott has a wide variety of books with queer relationships in them showing a range of queer experiences. The newest - Finders - has queer poly. 

Sarah talked about some of Scott’s fantasy series and the structure of the culture being that male/female relationships were for procreation but the expectation is that love is between same genders. [I didn’t catch the title of these books/the series]

Kate brought up bisexuality in fiction. She first noticed the lack of bisexual representation when she started dating a bi woman. 

Charles said “all I write is bisexual - even if it’s not explicit.” Since it’s generally assumed for people to be either gay or straight if it’s not mentioned, he likes to write worlds where it’s assumed for the characters to be bi. 

Charles also talked about bi rep in Rose Lemberg’s work - Birdverse, Splendid Goat Adventure, and A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power. 

Alberto said he wants more queer characters where the drama isn’t about their queerness. In real life, acceptance can take awhile but he’s been there for a long time now and for reading and writing - he’d like for the drama to be focused elsewhere. 

Cat talked about not knowing that bisexuality existed at 13 when she discovered Henry Fitzroy.

Kate talked about the importance of bi representation in creating understanding for others. “I’m a skier. I ski in the winter. It’s summer. I’m still a skier.” 

Kate brought up Sarah Gailey’s River of Teeth. Also Tanya Huff’s work [missed the title] about omnisexual aliens who would screw a hole in a donut and everyone’s happy about it! Also for YA/teen reading - Foz Meadows. 

Alberto mentioned Six of Crows and it’s sequel by Leigh Bardugo as having bisexuality and found family in it. [Gosh I need to get on to reading this series]

Cat brought up Peter Darling - a trans re-telling of Peter Pan with a Pan/Hook romance. [!!] Also The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue as well as The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee. The former has an ace character.

Sarah also rec’d the Guide to Petticoats and Piracy book. She is ace and the character in the book is ace and aro - society wants her to be one thing and she isn’t. Also the character gets called out on the “not like other girls” thing. 

Sarah also mentioned Chameleon Moon, which has a F/F/F triad, as well as an ace man with anxiety. Sarah wants more ace characters who are not sociopaths or robots.

Kate brought up the TV show Lucifer which is “really really really bisexual” [lol]. Kate also likes that the show doesn’t explain how Lucifer, who is white, has a black brother and an Asian sister.

Someone [I only wrote “C”, so either Cat or Charles? unless that meant continued and was Kate?] talked about Tanya Huff’s work having so many queer families with a variety of experiences.

Charles said there are a lot of examples that are just sad and messy.

Kate talked about lots of queer and black fiction is depressing because - “have you looked at our lives?” She added that we need more positive examples of queer characters. 

Alberto brought up Lara Elena Donnelly’s three books - Amberlough, Armistice, and Amnesty - which are about surviving fascism and rebellion. There’s crime, adventures, spies, etc. This is a strong recommendation.

Sarah added on to that by saying that this example of a dystopia is not about the queerness. Also talked about the Machineries of Empire series by Yoon Ha Lee [oh look! one of next year’s GoH’s!], which has no homophobia and almost all of the characters are queer. It also subverts the sociopathic ace trope - other characters think he is and he encourages that belief, but isn’t.

Charles mentioned a short story in Glittership Year Two [missed what it was], as well as The Root by Na'amen Gobert Tilahun which he said has a good depiction of queer families.

Kate posed the question of what there should be more queer characters in. She said video games and TV shows and that both should also be less male gaze-y.

Charles agreed with video games and said whether it’s a relationship game or not. He wants more background characters to be queer. He doesn’t want to have to headcanon it.

Sarah said “besides everything?” Big SFF movies, like the MCU - and that they should stop making such a big deal about adding super small scenes with queer characters. 

Alberto said more TV - especially for stuff aimed at kids and their parents. A good example of this is She-Ra.

Kate said it should be written in the stories - not retconned like Rowling does or killing them off right away. More 3D queer characters. She added that, especially having been out for most of her life, the struggling with queerness/coming out stories are getting old for her.

Cat mentioned movies that are adaptations that have queer characters in the source material, such as the MCU - there are lots of queer characters in the comics but they don’t make it to the TV shows or movies. 

Kate added that Deadpool keeps his pansexuality in the movies. Kate also wants more queer poc characters who are okay with who they are not evil aliens. This is a problem for white cishet Hollywood. 

Charles talked about the issues still affecting us from the Hays Code era legacy. Queer characters are always sad and end up dead - this was once enforced but has now just trickled down. 

Charles also said he enjoys cozy mysteries but the queer characters always die. There was one that he liked that was turned into a TV series and they finally had a queer character - the actor was leaving and the series could have given them a happily ever after but killed them off instead.

Sarah talked about the importance of diversity behind the scenes. It’s easier to get representation in a book because there is less gatekeeping, fewer hands in the pot. When everyone in the writer’s room of a show or movie are straight, it makes it harder.

Cat [I think? just wrote “C” again] mentioned The Wicked and the Divine - gods are reborn into people every 12 years - they’re all queer. [This was rec’d often this con - deffo need to read]

The audience got to throw out recs next. The ones I got down are: [I can’t find this in a search but it was something like Kaitlyn Sterling - Luminent... something? if anyone knows please chime in], Lifelode by Jo Walton, Ethan of Athos by Lois McMaster Bujold about a planet of men, A Door into Ocean by Joan Slonczewski about a world of women, A Big Ship at the End of the Universe by Alex White, The Light Brigade by Kameron Hurley, “everything by Seanan McGuire” [agreed!!], and then apparently Magic: The Gathering has recently been doing some exploring of genderless species and also a trans warrior woman character. 

The audience were still tossing out recs when I left, so I did not get them all, nor any possible closing remarks by the panelists.