#“one day i had enough / of this exercise of trust / i leaned in and let it hurt / let my body feel the dirt”

[sunfoxfic]

every single song ever, but ESPECIALLY the ones in my playlist, has the capacity to be my favorite song. I simply have to be obsessed with a character who embodies the song. It's not hard

[glitchtricks94]

Senseless

Inguro Obanai and Giyuu Tomioka Sometimes, your love gets carried away and makes you lose all coherent thought. However, after a hard day, it's the least they can do, taking out all your thoughts and replacing them with all their love. This request was made by my dear friend, @desi-the-blue-eyed-kakushi, I hope you enjoy your men! Obanai my beloved Anyways, kick back, relax, mind the banner rule, and enjoy~ -Glitchtricks

Giyuu always knew if something was wrong with you. His quiet nature made him more observant, especially regarding his beloved lotus blossom. Your shoulders were sagging when you drudged through the door, a detail barely perceived before you forced yourself to perk up as you spotted your love approaching you. He noticed the saddened sparkle in your eye, the same he carried for a long time. Forcing a smile, you greeted him, a sharp pain shooting through his heart seeing you try to force yourself to put on a façade to try and hide your pain from him. He didn't want that. He wanted you to trust him to see everything, know everything. It upset him seeing you try and pull yourself away like this. "My love." Giyuu spoke, his voice as soft as a babbling brook. "I can see the sadness in your eyes. Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" You let your mask fall, looking at the ground as you shook your head. He enveloped you in a warm embrace, you melted against him, the scent of irises and freshly washed linen enveloping your senses. Giyuu always loved to soothe you like this. Giyuu was more than willing to help you forget your pain, too. You ended up confiding that you honestly just wanted to forget the world and all that happened to you that day, your beloved nodding in understanding as he took your hand and led you to the bedroom. That felt like hours ago. You were currently laying on your back with Giyuu's cock buried snuggly inside your cunt, moans being dragged out from your parted lips. Giyuu was putting his everything into his movements, your hands pinned to either side of your head by his own, fingers intertwined. He loved this feeling of intimacy, being able to stare down at your face, your body. Seeing the two of you connected in such ways made him feel like he was flying, and it always did wonders for making you focus on him and him alone.

"G-Giyuu! O-oh, fuck, Giyuu- Ah!" You cried out, squealing as the water hashira continued to plunge his cock into you, his tip pressing against your sweet spot relentlessly. "M-my lily, y-you- Shit- You feel so good...S-squeezing ne so tight, s-sucking me back in-Ah! Oh, gods I can't get enough of you..." Giyuu panted, leaning down and pressing his lips to yours, a muffled groan leaving him as you came, the man above you still pressing forward, intending on fucking you until you could only feel the pleasure he gave you, feel the love he held so deeply for you. He needed you to know. Giyuu only wanted you to know of him and his cock for the night, nothing else should be in your pretty head. Not while he has you wrapped around him so deliciously. He flipped you over onto your stomach, pulling your hips up so you presented to him with your ass in the air, the hashira thrusting back into you, somehow reaching deeper than before, whines and cries of delight flooding from your lips. You felt your mind go blank, pleasure being all you could feel, all you could register.

Obanai considered his keen eyes and ability to read others one of his crown jewels of strengths. His protective nature tended to add an extra edge to his skill, and he often exercised it on either the newest weaklings to see if they even had potential, which to him, most do not, and on you, his beloved. You were the serpent of his heart, the thrum of a heartbeat in his very soul. You gifted him the ability to feel as if he was normal and not some monster born of tarnished flesh. He always felt so safe in your care, in your warmth, like a snake sunning itself on a stone. You were his sun, he was your moon. One can only imagine the fury he carried when he saw you arrive home with tear stains tainting your cheeks, eyes red and puffy from crying. "And just who did this to you now, my sun?" The serpent hashira asked, his voice low and dripping with pure malice. His heterochromatic eyes softened when you reached out to him, taking his wrist in your hand. Kaburamaru instantly slithered down from your lover's shoulder, moving to coil gently around your arm. It was his form of a hug. "N-no one, Obanai...I just...it's been a rough day, and I don't wanna talk about it...I'd rather just forget." You sighed softly, your lover humming for a moment, Kaburamaru taking the hint and returning to Obanai's shoulders as the raven haired man led you to your shared bedroom, making sure to place his beloved companion in his own terrarium like cage, the albino serpent swiftly getting comfortable and falling asleep. "So, just to clarify, you wanted to forget, correct?" Obanai spoke, his voice soft, and gaze softer as he looked at you. You nodded, the man before you reaching up to remove his bandages. "Are you willing to try something? I have a plan, but I need input on your end." "I trust you with my life, my moon. I'm willing to try anything you want." You replied, Obanai appearing pleased by this response. "Good. Wait for me on the futon. I recently acquired something I think you would enjoy." He ordered, you following without question as he got to his feet, disappearing from the room for a brief moment. When Obanai returned, his bandages were gone, his scars on display for you to see and a strip of silk cloth patterned with red spider lilies rested in his hands. "I thought we could try blindfolding you." He spoke softly, seemingly amused by how wide your eyes had gotten before he approached you, kneeling down before you. "Do you trust me?" You always did, you told him, your voice hushed yet filled with excitement as he carefully wrapped the silk strip over your face... Obanai's hands felt as if they were everywhere; your hips, your legs, your chest, your stomach, no inch of skin was left untouched by his delicate and calloused fingers. He relished in every soft whine and honey sweet moan you let out. It was all simply magical to him. "Yes, that's it, my sun, lose yourself in this pleasure." Obanai hummed, dragging his palm all the way down from the valley of your breasts to your pussy, which was simply dripping with your need. He knew what you wanted, and instead of making you beg, he'd give you mercy. "H-hah! Obanai!" You moaned out, feeling your lover circling his fingers over your clit, sending jolts of pleasure zipping up and down your spine. You squirmed beneath him, the serpent hashira grinning with sadistic delight at your struggles. "And how does this feel, dear serpent of my heart?" "L-like- Oh! Like- mmmnnn- L-like you're d-driving me crazy....Oh fuck, p-please don't stop, d-don't!" You whined, your lover soon sliding his middle and ring fingers down to your weeping entrance, pressing them in with ease. You felt your mind go blank from the sudden intrusion, instantly screaming as your orgasm snuck up on you when he curled his fingers inside you. "Oh, you've cum already." Obanai cooed, his eyes dancing across your flushed form. "I hope you aren't too tired, we're only just beginning."

[storm-angel989]

Outside The Office Part Twenty Three

Two chapters in one day! Enjoy!

Trigger warning for the following: body image issues, sex and Valentino

“Val, I’m not so sure about this,” I said uneasily. 

“Relax, princessa. You need to trust me.” Valentino said calmly as he ran a finger down my bare stomach. “That’s the entire reason I suggested this…exercise. Especially while you’re free from the pain on your wrists. ”

I tugged at the silk scarves that held me taut against the bedpost. Soft enough that when whatever sorcery Lucifer had used to mask the bruising and pain wore off, it wouldn’t hurt. As much as Valentino told me pain and pleasure went hand in hand, I still wasn’t convinced. In consideration of my feelings on the subject, he suggested I be tied down, held in place for a punishment for a crime of my choosing. He wanted to tie my ankles as well, but I balked at the idea. Allowing myself to be that exposed, to be trapped, even by him? I just wasn’t comfortable with that yet. 

“Princessa, you’re so tense,” he said softly as his hand settled on my belly. “You do not have to do this if you don’t want to.” His grin darkened. “We can always trade places.”

I shivered at the idea of him in the restraints but shook my head no. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know what to do with him if I had him there.  “I want to do this, Val, but please don’t hurt me too badly.” 

“Pain and pleasure, princessa. Remind me,what is our safe word?” He asked as he leaned over me. His lips hovered above mine and his hands moved up to my chest. 

“Safe,” I replied softly. 

His hands ran down my sides and gripped my hips as he straddled me, the tip of his cock pushing ever so slightly against my insides- a teasing threat that immediately made me soaked. 

“That’s my good girl,” he cooed. His lips pressed into mine for the briefest of moments. “So tell me, what put you into this predicament in the first place? Remind me why you’re being punished.” 

I swallowed and tried to think of a reason that would warrant such a situation. Without any ideas I definitely couldn’t write a porn script if I tried. 

“I…talked back?”

To his credit, he didn’t miss a beat. I moaned as his kisses moved down my neck, pausing at the base for the softest of bites. I felt his hands grip my hips as he continued to explore downwards. 

“That was naughty, princessa. You need to learn to listen. After all, I know best, don’t I?” 

His finger slid into me. First one, then two. I bucked my hips, trying to find the friction that would allow the release I already so desperately craved. 

“I believe I asked you a question,” he said calmly as his fingers thrusted in and out, his thumb brushing against my clit. “Princessa, it would be in your best interest to answer it.”

Fuck, the dominance in his voice alone was a turn on. I bit back a moan. His fingers in me, he leaned towards me and put the slightest pressure on my lower belly. The fire inside burned hotter and I felt myself squirm- I was already so close to that release. 

“Yes, Valentino.” I whimpered. 

“Good girl.” He answered darkly. His fingers slid out from inside me. “Let’s see how well you follow commands, hm?” 

I let out a groan of protest as he left me alone and dripping. In the restraints, I squirmed. He leaned over me and from the nightstand, he produced a blindfold and dangled it in front of my face. I swallowed. When he asked if I was comfortable being tied down and blindfolded, I envisioned it being so much less sexy than it was currently. Some part deep inside of me wanted him to take that control away from me, wanted him to take command of every inch of my me. He tugged the blindfold over my eyes, the silk cushioned against my skin and blackness clouded my vision. Nervousness flooded my body and I tugged my arms to find him, to feel him. The restraints tugged on my wrists, a soft reminder that he was in control. I felt his hand pull away from my belly and settle on my chest, pressing down lightly. 

“Follow my orders. Deep breath in. And out.” I felt his body shift closer, the heat of his breath in my ear. “Relax your body and surrender to me, my princess. Trust me. You’re okay, and I have you.” 

Safe. I was safe with him. I inhaled and exhaled out, willing every bit of fear, every bit of uncertainty to leave my thoughts. Gone were the events of the day, the fight we had, the tears and anger. It was Valentino and I alone- and at the moment, nothing else mattered. I was safe. I was secure.

“Again, princessa. In. Out. Let me have this control over you.” 

I felt his hand move from my chest and press lightly against my throat. I swallowed, out of both fear and excitement. 

“Swallow again.” He commanded, his fingers on my throat.  

I swallowed and shivered under the weight of his hand. 

“That’s my good girl. I’m here, my love and for the time being, you are under my command.” 

I felt something heavy rest on my belly and the scent of his favorite strawberry lube filled the room. 

“V-Valentino?” I pleaded. “What are you doing?” 

“Breathe, Princessa. In. And out.” He responded evenly. 

The object on my stomach began to buzz and I felt his fingers fall again to my clit. The weight was removed from my body and I felt the buzzing sensation slide into me. 

“Valentino!” I moaned, “V-Valentino!”

“Yes, my love?” he asked nonchalantly as his fingers toyed with my clit. 

I bucked my hips and moaned as I involuntarily came around the toy. 

“Oh mi amore, I didn’t give you permission to come,” he said darkly. “That’s going to warrant a punishment.”

Fuck. 

I felt his hands gently cup my chest, his fingers toying with my nipples. A sharp pinch on both and I gasped as the warmth of his hands left me, but the weight stayed behind. His finger again fell to my clit. Another pinch. 

The buzzing on my insides, the pain and the feeling of him controlling my body caused me to come again. He laughed darkly, and I felt his hand on my throat again, his thumb brushing against the pulse point on my neck. 

“You just can’t control yourself, can you, my love?” he taunted. “Your heart is going a mile a minute. I think you’ve earned another punishment.” 

I felt his body straddle mine and the tip of his cock pushed deep into me. I moaned and bucked my hips as he pumped into me, fast and hard. I felt the buzzing go deeper into me with each thrust of his hips, causing an almost unbearable sensation. Pain and pleasure indeed.

“I’m going to fill you up,” he grunted harshly. 

I felt the weight of his head on my chest as his hips continued to move, harder and faster with each passing second. I could hear him breathing speed up as he moved quicker. Somewhere deep inside, his cock hit that sweet spot. I came once, and then again. The weight, the buzzing, the feeling of his cock exploding inside of me caused me to spasm around him. My stomach felt heavy as I felt him pant as he pulled out. 

“I didn’t tell you you could come,” he panted softly in my ear. “That’s another punishment.” 

I tried to squirm but again, my body betrayed me. The sound of Valentino laughing as he caught his breath, the feeling of his fingers untying one of my wrists completely, the other partially. With the partial untie, I felt him tie both my hands behind my back. His weight shifted, and I felt him sit down and pull me to him, my belly resting on his thighs. I could feel his erection already beginning to form again under me, pressing into my body. The pressure on my stomach, the fullness, the buzzing that spread to my clit, the pain and pleasure from the clamps that weighted on my nipples proved to be too much and I again moaned as I came for the fourth time. The warmth of his hand on my ass. 

“Count for me,” he said darkly. “Outloud.”

The strike of his hand against the soft skin of my behind. I let out a groan.

“One…”

Another smack. Another orgasm. 

“Tw-…Fuck, Valentino!”

“Oh no, princessa, thats not how we count. Come on now, you know better.” He teased. 

His hand against my skin again. “Do it correctly and I’ll reward you with my cock.”

“Two!” 

I made it to five before I broke down into a mess. The overstimulation, the pain, the pleasure and the hormones rushing through my body. 

“Safe! Valentino, Safe! Please!” I choked. 

Almost like magic, the silk scarf and blindfold disappeared. He laid me on my back and gently, carefully, undid the clamps. The relief of the weight vanishing was almost too much and I let out a shiver. I felt his fingers slide into me and the buzzing stopped before the pressure of the toy released from inside me. I could feel his come dripping out of me, and I tried to catch my breath. 

“That’s my good girl, inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths.” his tone changed from dominating to soft in less than a heartbeat. He pulled the blanket over us and wrapped us in it. “It’s alright. In, out. You did so good, babydoll.”

I sputtered a choke, a gasp as my body tried to make sense of this feeling. He guided my head to his chest and I felt the pounding of his heart vibrating against me. 

“Come on princessa, listen to my voice. In. Out.” 

I felt the weight of his hand on my belly as he told me to try to move it, much like we did last time. I tried to do as he asked, but choked again, my vision clouding as I felt myself breathe faster, trying to force my way through the feeling. My body felt cold, like I couldn’t get enough air. 

He shook his head. “Babydoll. You’re hyperventilating. I need you to slow down your breathing- you need to inhale deeply to get oxygen into your body.” His hand fell to my chest. “I want you to breathe with me. When I inhale, you inhale. When I exhale, you exhale. I know you can hear me, nod your head if you understand.” 

I nodded my head as I shook in his arms. 

“Alright. Close your eyes. Feel my chest rise and fall. Listen for each breath. Focus only on that. You do the same. I breathe. You breathe. Got it?”

I felt his chest rise and hold until I did the same. After a few seconds, he let out a slow exhale and I tried to keep the same timing. 

“Good, again.” His chest rose and I heard the air rush into his lungs. 

I inhaled as well, and exhaled as long as slow as he did. After a while, it became easier. He breathed. I breathed. I felt the dizziness go away, the lightheadedness vanish and exhaustion rushed over my body. I could feel the warmth of his body, the thudding of his heart, and the grumble of his belly. The pressure of his hand as it pushed my hair away from my face. The feeling of his fingers on my throat. 

“Keep breathing with me, princessa, you’re not there yet,” he said calmly. “Relax. I’ve got you. You’re safe in my arms, mi amore.” 

“Talk to me Val?” I asked as I kept pace with his breathing. “I want to hear your voice.”

“I love you, my princessa,” he responded softly, “once we get your breathing back to normal, we’re going to take a nice, hot shower and get you all cleaned up.”

“Bath, Valentino. I want a warm bath. My body hurts.” I responded quickly. “But I need to wash my hair, I feel gross.” Panic in my chest. Why did I admit that to him? 

“Slow breaths, princessa,” he reminded me. “In. Out. Breathe with me.”

I felt him inhale and I did the same. He held his breath for a few seconds and at his exhale, I followed his lead. 

“I can run a bath if that is what you desire, but I’m not putting you anywhere near a body of water- not even with you in my arms- if you’re struggling to catch your breath. Can’t have anything happening to my princessa.” He shifted me ever so slightly downward, so my ear rested just below his ribcage. He ran his hand through my hair and I closed my eyes as I listened to his internal noises. Slowly, I felt myself begin to settle. Valentino was here. He was alive and underneath me. He was safe- I was safe. 

“That’s it sweetheart,” he said after a few minutes.”Much, much better. I think we can start the water, wouldn’t you say?” 

I reached my arms up and pulled myself so I was holding around his neck. “Don’t leave me alone.” 

He gave me an indulgent smile. “I won’t, princessa, but that means you’ll have to come with me.” He swept me up in his arms and covered me with one of the smaller blankets. I rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me into the bathroom. The warmth of his body and the warmth of the blanket, the reminder that he would protect me, left me feeling sleepy, secure and loved. 

He set me on the counter and I watched as he started the water, carefully testing it every few moments. The bathroom quickly filled with steam and he tugged the blanket off of me and lifted me back into his arms. He stepped us both into the warm water and slowly sank us down. I laid my head on his chest and tried to match my breathing with his as the water hit every nerve in my body. Valentino gently rubbed my back. After a few seconds, I felt myself start to relax. 

“That’s my good girl.” he praised. He kissed my forehead. “More of that. Close your eyes, I’ll turn on the sprayer.” 

I did as he commanded. He gently adjusted me so that I sat upright and felt the warm water from the nozzle run through my hair. 

“The only thing this tub is missing is a remote control start,” I joked quietly as his fingers slowly worked the shampoo through my hair. 

Valentino chuckled. “I mean, I’m sure I could make that happen if you wanted it so badly, princessa.” 

I felt the water trickle down my back as he gently rinsed my hair. “I think it would be excessive, but definitely cool.” 

“Nothing you desire is excessive in my eyes, my princessa.” He replied. 

I felt the water stop and heard the conditioner bottle open. His fingers gently rubbed against my scalp and I relaxed into him, my eyes closed. 

“Why princessa, I had no idea you enjoyed this so much,” he said gently. “You should have told me.”

“I can wash my hair myself but it feels soo good when you do it Val,” I replied, my eyes still closed. “Same feeling as when you rub my back. It just feels good.”

“Mm, I understand that.” 

I heard his fingers swish in the water and his hands fell to my shoulder, his thumbs pressing into the muscles of my back. “When was the last time you had a massage, princessa?”

I let out a laugh. “Never?”

“Never?” 

The surprise in his voice caught me off guard. “Well, I mean, no. You’re the first person to touch my body like that. Ah- that hurts. And feels good. I can’t tell.” 

“Princessa, you need much more than just a back rub,” he said disapprovingly. “I’ll book us a massage for tomorrow afternoon.” 

I heard the water restart and felt the warmth trickle through my hair as he rinsed the conditioner out. “Unnecessary and frivolous, Val.” 

“On the contrary, princessa. You’ll feel so much better when the tension you hold is relieved. Vox, Vel and I all get them regularly. Helps with the stress.” 

I felt his lips press against the back of my neck. 

“Taking care of yourself isn’t frivolous, or unnecessary, my princessa. And I’ll be right there next to you, I promise.” 

“Okay, Val,” I relented. I shifted myself around and reached for the body wash. “But it’s my turn now.”

He laughed but allowed me to run my soapy hands all over his body. “Ah, princessa. You do know this is going to be a mess, right? We’ll need to rinse off in the shower before we get comfortable for the night.”

“Fine by me.” I leaned up and kissed him softly. “I don’t mind making a mess.” I slipped my hand under the water and ran my fingers against his cock. He instantly hardened. 

He groaned. “Princessa. You tease.” 

“Oh, do I?” I asked as I slid my hand up and down his shaft. “Teasing would indicate you wouldn’t get any relief from me at the end.” 

He groaned a bit. “Princessa.” He pulled himself up to the built-in seat in the corner of the bathtub, leaving only his legs covered by water. 

I followed him and pulled myself up so I sat on his lap. I ran my hand over his chest and slowly sank myself down on top of him. He let out a moan, and put his hands on my hips to steady me. Slowly, I began to ride him, taking nothing but pleasure at the feeling of him growing harder inside of me. 

“You said you wanted to fill me up, didn’t you?” I whispered into his ear as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Go ahead, Val. Fill me up. Make my tummy bulge….if you can.” 

He groaned but desperately tried to buck his hips against me. I stayed firm as I moved slowly, deliberately on top of him. I could feel his heartbeat faster with each slow movement. He squeezed my hips in a desperate attempt to push me down deeper onto him.

“Fuck, reader, this isn’t fair,” he whined in between groans. “I need relief.”

“Then beg, Valentino.” 

I half expected him to push me up against the wall, to slam his body into mine. His eyes met mine and for a moment, I thought for sure he would say the safe word. Instead, I watched him soften under my words, under my touch. He closed his eyes, his words desperate and pleading. 

“Please, princessa. Please let me come inside you.” 

I moved my hips faster at his request, my body leaning forward as I rode him until his cock exploded deep inside of my belly. I held myself there as I caught my breath, collecting each drop of his seed. I pushed myself upright as I sat on top of him, holding his shoulders up. 

“You…are the only one who ever gets to do that to me. Got it? Hard. Fucking Limit. With anyone else. Not you.” He held me tighter to him and rested his head on my chest. “Not you, princessa.”

I kissed him as softly as I could. He kissed back and after a few moments, I gently pulled myself off of him. He sat there, eyes closed, head tilted back

“Val, did I hurt you?” I asked, reaching for his hand. “Are you okay?”

He smiled first and then opened his eyes. “I’m fine, princessa. Just…never thought I would trust someone as much as I do you.” He stood up and hit the drain, the soapy water dripping from his body. “I think we both need a shower. And then dinner.” He offered me his hand.

I accepted and he pulled me to my feet. He looked me over, his gaze falling to my stomach. He laid his hand on the protruding bump and I watched him instantly grow hard. I wondered if he would pin me against the wall, fuck me again. Instead he knelt and gently kissed just below my belly button, and rubbed my lower belly ever so softly. 

“I love you, princessa. More than you will ever know.” He said quietly. He stood back up and planted another kiss on me, and his hands fell against my waist. He stepped out of the now empty bathtub and took my hand as we walked towards the shower. 

Steam quickly filled the room and we stepped inside. I let the warm water hit my back and sighed in relief as the soap washed off of me. Valentino seemed to feel the same. He leaned over to me after a few seconds and planted a kiss on my cheek as the water washed clear down the drain. 

“What do you want to do for dinner, mi amore?” He asked once we were both sufficiently soap free. He shut the water off and together, we stepped out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around me and then around himself. “We can do whatever you desire.”

I hesitated as the reality of the day came back to me. I really shouldn’t eat anything for the rest of the day, but knew from previous experience that Valentino would pick up on that in a heartbeat. That wouldn’t do me any good. 

“We can stay home, I can cook…chicken? Veggies?” I suggested. 

He shrugged, “If that’s what you want, mi amore.” He picked up his phone and typed quickly. “I’ll have housekeeping pick it up. What else do you desire? Whole wheat pasta?”

I shook my head no. “Limited carbs. Building muscle should be mostly protein.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Carbs are energy, princessa. And you’re going to need some sort of energy source if you’re kicking your workouts into higher gear- which based on what Lucifer sent me, sounds like you’re planning on doing. Remember what happened when you didn’t eat when you first arrived here? Think about that happening, but without the fun of alcohol, if you don’t fuel your body appropriately.” 

I scowled. Leave it to Valentino to call me out. “I thought you said it was my choice what I put in my body.”

“That isn’t what I said. It's your choice only if you are being healthy about it princessa,” he responded calmly. 

I picked up my comb and looked into the mirror. My face felt round, and the shame swept through me. Gently, Valentino took the comb from my hand and lifted me onto the counter. 

“Allow me, princessa,” he said gently. “In as much fun as we’ve had, it's been a long day for you.” Gently, he began to comb through the tangles.  “Will you trust me to take care of dinner? I promise I’ll make something that will make your body feel good when you workout tomorrow morning.”

I was quiet. Honestly, I couldn’t see a choice out of it. He trusted me so much, I would have to trust him back. When my father was alive, he controlled what I ate, how much I ate, and when I ate- it was just part of the military lifestyle. On off days, he taught me carefully how to fuel an angelic body, with stark warnings about the dangers of over indulging. Something I had definitely been doing during my time here. 

“Princessa?” He asked gently. “Talk to me.”

I shook my head. No, this wasn’t something I was willing to discuss, but I didn’t want him to know that. “Sorry, Val, I was staring off into space. I’m tired. Whatever you make for dinner is fine, I trust you.”

“Hm.” He responded. He paused and finished typing. When he looked back at me, he studied my face and gently ran a thumb under my eye. “You’re exhausted princessa.” He said softly. He picked the comb back up and unknotted the last of the tangles out of my hair. He took my hand and helped me down back to the floor. “Pjs, dinner and then you, in my arms, snuggled and asleep. Deal?” He kissed the top of my head and waited for my response. 

“Deal.” I agreed. 

An hour and a half  later I was snuggled against Valentino, tucked tight against his chest as the television across from his bed played softly. True to his word, Valentino cooked what I would consider a healthy dinner, with lean protein, vegetables and as little whole wheat pasta I could get away with- which honestly, was more than I intended to eat but it wasn’t any use in arguing. At least he didn’t say anything about my choice of water over sweet sixteen. 

“Sleep, mi amore. You don’t have to watch with me- it's just the news.” Valentino said as he looked down at me. His hand fell to my back. “Close your eyes. I’ve got you. You’re safe, mi amore. I promise.” 

I tucked myself tighter into him and closed my eyes. Between the warmth of his body and the sheer exhaustion of the day, sleep washed over me.  

[kindnessisweakness2]

14

Emily reached Oswald's yard in record time, the guys pulling in behind her seconds later. Running to the office she saw Elliot behind his desk, concern on his face. Jake was on one of the leather sofas, arm covered in blood. "Oh here she is! Come to claim your vicious mutt?" Emily glared at Jake, fire burning in her hateful stare. She never liked him. "That dog is perfect. You shouldn't be handling him, you've been told before. You know fuck all!" Slamming her hands on the desk, Emily looked up at Oswald, just as she heard the rest of the guys pile in behind her. "I want the cameras checked Elliot. I wanna see what happened for myself." Elliot turned her attention to the screen on the wall and pressed play. Sure enough the footage showed Zeus, the gorgeous black German Shepard turning and snapping his jaws onto Jake's arm as he was walking across the yard. Jake stood up behind Emily and spoke in a taunting tone. "See! He's fucking feral. I want him destroyed." Emily snapped around, the anger in her eyes doubled. "Out of the fucking question! You've got to go through me to touch that dog." Looking Jake up and down she scoffed. "And i don't think you've got the bollocks." Turning to face a still silent Elliot, Emily pleaded. "I want the camera's in the kennel checked. That behaviour doesn't come out of no where." Jake started to squirm. "Elliot seriously? Theres no need to check the kennel cameras. End of the day he bit me. Thats it, he should go!" Elliot looked between them both, clearly unsure. Emily raised her eyebrow at him. "Who are you gonna trust here Elliot? Your Kennel Manager and trainer or this idiot? Oswald Security wouldn't be what it is without me and you know it!" Elliot sighed as he used the remote to switch the screen to the kennel camera. Jake started to squirm even more and Emily knew exactly why. The footage showed Jake bang harshly on Zeus' kennel door startling the animal. Then to make it worse instead of clipping on his lead, he roughly grabbed him by the scruff pulling him from his kennel and out the door into the yard. The yelp from the dog was enough to make Emily want to tear his fucking throat out. Elliot's face changed at the footage, realising Emily was right. Angry didnt cover it. The rage that she felt was indescribable. How dare he handle her animals like that? "I want him gone. Dismissed and as far away from my fucking kennel as possible." Emily spoke through gritted teeth. Jake started to protest behind her but she had had enough. Turning around she shoved Jake back down onto the sofa. Leaning over him, fists clenched, nails digging crescent moons into her palms, she spoke through gritted teeth. "You ever come near this yard again, i will fucking feed you to them piece by piece you weak, pathetic, piece of shit." Jake glanced around the room as if anyone was going to tell her to back off. "Oh i get it! You think because you got 3 members of SAMCRO here your protected? I heard you were their new fuck toy since Noah left your ass. He let them pass you around now he's done with you? Anger was clear to see on Jax's face now as he moved further into the room, ready to beat the shit out of him for speaking to her like that. Jake's laughter was cut short by Emily's fist crashing into his mouth. "Think your fucking funny?" She spat as she hit him again, knuckles bleeding from the contact with his teeth. "Emily!" Oswald shouted the first words he's spoke since she got there, as he gripped her arm and pulled her back. "Get him off this fucking yard now! I'll kill him Elliot i swear!" Emily breathed heavy as she tried to rein her temper back in. "Ill handle it. Go cool off." Elliot pointed at the door, clearly wanting her to leave. Rolling her eyes, she didnt give Jake a second look as she stormed from the office, the rest of the guys in tow.

Emily's hands shook with pure anger as she leaned over the fence of the exercise yard. "The temper on you darlin'" Chibs whistled as he threw his arm over her shoulder. "You got any Irish in ya? You remind me of me wife, Terrifying woman." Emily burst out laughing as she looked at him. Since she met him he had never failed to make her laugh. "Yeah i do actually. On my mothers side." Chibs smiled at her and it made Emily feel slightly better. Jax watched her. He was still angry himself at how she had been spoken to. Is that what people thought of her? Noah treated her like shit and now she was being passed around the club like a crow eater? Charming gossips were relentless and SAMCRO have always been at the center of their rumors. But now Emily was being dragged into it and he hated it more than he used to.

The sound of the Kennel door opening got Emily's attention straight away. Lee, one of the other handlers, was leading Zeus out into the yard. "Lee, let him go!" Emily called and the sound of her voice made Zeus' ears perk up straight away. The whine he let out make Emily's heart swell. He was her boy. He made her so proud. Stepping forward Emily dropped to her knees as all 120 pounds of excited German Shepard ran her way. Zeus collided into her with kisses and whines. Flopping onto his back on the dirt he gratefully accepted the belly rubs. "Hey E. Take it you heard what happened?" Lee spoke when he was close enough to the group. "Yeah Zeus is going nowhere and that asshole is losing his job as we speak." Lee laughed at her. "I wouldn't expect anything less." Emily smiled at him as she moved to stand up. "You working him now?" Lee nodded. "Makes sense. He's all riled up from this morning anyway." Emily grinned as she scratched Zeus' ears. "You getting in the bite suit?" Lee went pale. "Seriously? Not again!" Emily nodded her head as she grabbed Zeus' lead from his hand and hung it round her neck. "Ill meet you in the field." Lee groaned but didnt complain as he turned and made his way back towards the kennel. Excitement was clear to see on her face as Emily spun to face the others. "You guys can go back to your welcome home party. Im staying with my boy." Cara shook her head. "No way! I've heard you talk none stop about this dog and training. Im staying to watch!" Emily laughed as everyone agreed with Cara. "Fine but hands down at all times, you can lean on the fence." Unlocking the field she let Zeus in and locked the gate behind her. Walking down to the guys she smiled as Zeus started running and sniffing the grass. "He's beautiful." Juice commented as he watched him. Emily smiled. "Yeah he is. And he is one hell of a protection dog." Tying her hair up high and out of her face she called Zeus to come to her.

Lee let himself into the field, waddling in the huge bite suit down to Emily. "I cannot believe you are getting me to do this. He dislocated my shoulder last time!" He groaned as he shifted, uncomfortable in the padding. "Oh stop whining. You know you love him!" Emily laughed. Jax smiled at her. She obviously loved this job. It was clear to see in how she defended the dog and her position. He never would've thought this was the job she did. They needed to talk about alot really. Her day with Abel, that amazing kiss, and where it left them. Jax kicked himself. This was the only upside to one night stands, no awkward relationship talk. But for her he was willing to do it. Jax snapped out of his mental monolog as he heard Emily call to Zeus. Emily gave him the command and he assumed position between her legs. Lee signaled to her he was ready and started making his way towards her. "Watch him." Emily called and Zeus' eyes locked on to Lee as he was moving closer. "Speak!" With the command, Zeus started barking and growling. Lee had both his arms behind his back now, only a few meters between him, Zeus and Emily. "Show me your hands!" She called over the snarling of the dog. Lee ignored the call just like he was supposed to. "Show me your hands or ill send the dog!" Emily called just like she had a thousand times before. Lee showed his hands and started waving around the metal bar. "Last warning! Back off or I'll send the dog!" There it was. The final warning. Emily always trained her guys to give 3. 3 strikes and your out. Lee lunged forward and with that Zeus became airbourne. Not caring about the weapon, he lunged to protect his master. Nothing would get between him and Emily. Connecting with the bite suit covering Lee's arm, Zeus bit down hard almost taking him off his feet. Lee struggled against him, but no luck. Zeus wasnt giving up easy, even dangling in the air at one point. Running over Emily gave him the command to release and return to her. Zeus dutifully obeyed moving to stand at her side. Throwing his ball as a reward, Emily let him have a few minutes play. Lee lay on the ground panting. "I both love and hate that dog." Laughing Emily helped him to his feet. "You getting in the car?" Lee groaned. "Your running the car exercise too?" Emily shrugged. "Why not? He hasnt done it in a while. And Oswald wants him ready for when the cars start being left on the sale lot. Ya know in case someone tries to take one." Lee groaned again but started to make his way towards the car parked on the other end of the field.

Jax watched as she did what she did best. And she looked god damn sexy while she was doing it too. Turning to Chibs, Jax asked the question on his mind without hesitation. "What do you think about her?" Jax knew Chibs would tell him the truth. He could always count on him to do that. "I like her. You could do alot worse Jackie boy!" Chibs smiled at him. Jax turned back to the field and watched as Emily squatted next to Zeus kissing his face. God he was obsessed with her. He watched Lee give the signal he was ready once he was in the car. Emily gave Zeus a command that Jax couldnt hear but it made his eyes lock onto the car. Jax had to admit even he wouldnt want to fuck with that dog. Maybe he should get one for his home, protect Abel that much more.

"Wow!" He heard Cara gasp as the hair missile that was Zeus flew through the car window without any hesitation and locked onto the bite sleeve around Lee's arm. Lee fell through the open drivers door on to the ground, Zeus on top of him pinning his arm to his chest with his mouth. Emily ran over and gave the command to release, giving him his ball as a reward. Zeus proudly ran around the field with it, enjoying his play he worked so hard for. "Fuck" Lee groaned as Emily helped him to his feet. "Im getting out of this thing." Laughing Emily let him out of the field, Zeus on her heels. "Does he only protect if commanded?" Juice questioned as she made her way over to them. "Wanna raise your hand to me and find out?" She grinned as Juice shook his head wide eyed. Jax moved to stand by her side. "After seeing him train I'm considering getting one for Abel. Especially when his nanny has him at home and I'm not there. What do you think?" Emily smiled at him "I think its a great idea. Ill even train it if your comfortable with that? I can bring Zeus back to the clubhouse with you. He's trained perfect around children, i can show you and your mom the benefits." Jax nodded with a wide smile. He could see how passionate she was about this. "Perfect. Ill meet you there." Emily couldnt wipe the smile off her face as she loaded Zeus into the car.

Within minutes Emily was pulling into the same space in the lot, unloading Zeus. Jax was already there and had brought his mom and the rest of the guys out onto the lot, catching them up with his idea. "Im not sure Jax. A dog? Thats a risk with a baby!" Emily gave Zeus some water as she listened to Gemma try to shoot down Jax's idea. "I trust her mom. And i trust that dog. You haven't seen what i have. Give her a chance." Jax stepped forward and took Able from Gemma. "Zeus nice. Friend." Emily said as Zeus sat down eyeing the baby. Taking Abel from Jax she kneeled infront of Zeus, letting him get a good old sniff of the baby. Abel babbled as he pressed his hands onto Zeus's muzzle, clearly interested in the new creature. Turning around Emily placed Able in his carrier on the floor. "Everyone step back." Gemma eyed her with a scowl. "You expect me to step back and give that dog a chance to maul my grandbaby?" She snapped and Emily scoffed. "Ive looked after this baby all day. Alone. If i was gonna hurt him dont you think i would've done it while you weren't watching him?" Emily rolled her eyes at how ridiculous Gemma was. She could see she didnt want to but eventually listened and took a step back. Emily moved to the side giving Zeus space to sit infront of the carrier. "Stay and watch. No one touches him." Emily patted Zeus' head and stepped even further back. "Can someone please try to pick up Abel?" Emily asked, arms crossed over her chest. Opie stepped forward. "Ill do it. Just dont let him take my hand off." Emily smirked as he stepped forward, his hand reaching for the baby. He didnt even get to make contact before Zeus was growling in warning, his hackles raised. He was ready to pounce if that hand made contact. Opie backed up as soon as Zeus started to inch forward. "Fuck that!" Emily laughed as she moved next to Zeus. "Safe." Bending down she gave him a fuss and threw his ball across the lot. Turning to Jax and Gemma she crossed her arms over her chest. "I can train another Zeus if thats what you want. Family dog but protection when needed. Itll sleep infront of Abel's crib and can follow him and the nanny where you want." Emily grinned as she felt Zeus nuzzle against the back of her legs. Scratching his head, she took his ball back and threw it again. He deserved it. He's such a good boy. Jax nodded as he looked at his mom. "See extra protection for Abel is a good thing." Gemma eyed him but gave in eventually. "Fine. But-" The overbearing mother stepped infront of Emily, hands on her hips. " If it hurts my grandbaby, ill destroy it." Emily scowled at her. "Have faith grandma." Before Gemma could say anything back, Jax guided Emily toward her car to talk about arrangements. "So when do you start training?" Emily was thankful he pulled her away, Gemma is really pushing her fucking luck with her attitude. "Well we have a litter due to be weaned from mum in the next week or so. You can come and pick your puppy and then i'll start bringing it around you and Abel so it can form a bond. Ill have to have access to your house too, so it can get used to its new environment." Emily spoke as she loaded Zeus into the car and turned her air con on. "You can come by the house any time. Stay if its easier." Jax leaned against her car, mentally kicking himself for the forwardness of his comment. Emily could feel herself go red. "That might not be such a good idea. The dog would get used to me being there. I dont want to get in your way." Jax placed his hands on her hips. "You wouldnt be in my way. And so what if the dog gets used to you? Maybe thats not such a bad thing." Jax pulled her closer and butterflies exploded in her stomach. Fuck. He really did drive her insane. She wanted to give in. She really did, But part of her knew she would only get hurt in the end. Jax is only interested in her because she's new. The novelty of her will soon wear off and he'll be back to his many women.

"Maybe it would be. I dont want to cross any lines. Cause any confusion. I better go. Ill keep you updated on the puppy. Waving to Cara, Emily jumped in the car and drove away from Teller Morrow. Jax stayed staring at the back of her truck as she drove away, disappointment clear on his face. Meanwhile, as Emily drove towards her house she couldnt help the tears that pricked her eyes. Today was nice, but it was also a stark reminder of what she couldnt have.

She needed to put distance between them. And fast.

************************************************************************

Hey guys!

Extra long chapter to say thank you all for being so patient with me!

Please let me know what you think! I love reading your comments and messages :)

[wellcollapse]

tease tidbit tuesday

thank you to @shitouttabuck @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @daffi-990 @jeeyuns @wildlife4life @cal-daisies-and-briars @eddiebabygirldiaz @fortheloveofbuddie for tagging me over the past week :)

this is a snippet from my new wip: summer sun!! this is something i started as a writing exercise after i hit a bit of a slump with my other WIPs. my goal was to write one scene, and only one scene from a story that i wanted to put to paper. the full story i had in mind was a dual POV look into eddie's PTSD slash recovery arc with a slight, messy twist on buddie's relationship, but but i don't think i will ever write it in full because it's too much for my current ability as a writer.

still, i feel like the scene that inspired the whole thing deserves to see the light of day, and so i'm probably going to publish this as a one-shot sometime within the next week or two. it's already at 3.5k, and i think that the full fic will be around 6k once it's done :)

anyway!! here's your tidbit:

“Eddie. Listen to me. It won’t be like this forever, okay?” Buck repeats, tilting Eddie's chin up and looking him right in the eye.  He pours every ounce of sincerity he possesses into his words in the hope that Eddie understands. Understands that even if he can’t believe in much right now, he can still trust this — trust him. “I promise, Eddie. I promise. And until that happens, I’ll be here.”  He leans forward, curling his fingers around Eddie’s hand again. Eddie holds onto him this time, and doesn't stop Buck when his thumb settles comfortably above Eddie’s pulse point. “See? You’re alive. Do you feel that? You haven’t disappeared, Eddie. You’re right here. And I’m right here next to you.”   Eddie shuts his eyes, and a few tears spill over. “Thank you,” he whispers. “Hey now,” Buck says, tapping him on the hand. They’re close enough now that their shoulders brush, and Buck gently bumps them together, letting a hint of a smile slip back into his voice. “Come on, Eddie. You know that you never have to thank me.”  Eddie squints at him through watery eyes, and Buck can already hear the expected soft, cheeky, “I know,” from him, punctuated with his signature playful eyeroll, but instead— Something in Eddie's face changes. Instead, he leans forward, and he— 

tagging @housewifebuck @captain-hen @antibyler @loserdiaz @buckleyseddie and anyone else who wants to do it :)

[nichestartrekkie0-0]

Another fic- Una and Hemmer! (Friend-fic haha)

Words: 1.8k 

Rating: Teen- creep at a bar, plus some mild mentions of death/drinking/self harm via drinking 

Summary: Una and Hemmer fend off a creep at a bar…it devolves quickly into an existential chat and some shenaniganizing 

Timeline: Between ep 2-3! (Before the Illyrian colony) 

(Not a ship thing between Hemmer and Una- they're buddies.)

Title: He'll know.

It was dark, crowded, and loud. Hemmer hated events like this. He never understood the concept of getting drunk under the table as a bonding exercise between species and peoples. 

So, he got up. Made the excuse he needed air. 

Then, he made a beeline for the bar. 

Usually, most bars didn’t have what he was looking for, but this particular bar was run by a Human. She had to have something like it. 

“Excuse me can I get-”

He cut off. 

Something wasn’t right. 

He glanced over. Una was a few seats down, with a humanoid man practically breathing down her neck. Her shoulders were tense. For an Illyrian who could pack a punch– that was pretty damn tense. 

Something cracked in his grip. That man was a little too close for Hemmer’s liking. 

And– as Una’s body language suggested– hers as well. 

Setting down his glass, he stood and stalked over. Before he could ask Una anything, the man reached out and grabbed her hand. 

The words just came out.

“Get your hand off of her.”

The man turned. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry.” Hemmer sneered, “Maybe I wasn’t clear enough.”

He took a deep breath, the plan forming in his mind almost instinctively. 

“Get your hand off my wife.” He snapped, “Touch her again without her consent and you’ll no longer have a hand.” 

Una, bewildered, gave him a quick look. Hemmer winced a little in return, trying to keep his body language imposing. 

Play along.

She gritted her teeth and nodded. 

“Excuse my husband.”  She smiled, baring her teeth, “He’s Andorian, you know how they get.” 

Hemmer rolled his eyes. “Afgain’im, ayiid oona’ek boh.” 

My friend, maybe we should leave. 

Standing, Una smiled sheepishly at the man and leaned in. “That would be the Admiral’s son. The Admiral, who we’re meeting tomorrow for the conference.” 

Hemmer stopped in his tracks. “Oh.”

Oh.

“How are we-”

“-Going to play this off?” Una groaned, “Great question. We better go tell Chris before he has an aneurysm.”

Hemmer held up a hand. 

“Excuse us.”  

Leading Una back to the table, they sat down. Hemmer looked at Una, and Una looked at Hemmer. They both sat in silence for a second before they moved to speak. 

“You go first.” Hemmer said quickly.

“Oh no, it was your amazing idea.” Una snipped, “You get to tell him.” 

Wincing, Hemmer laid a hand on his captain’s shoulder. “Pike, my friend-”

“-I got hit on at the bar and Hemmer had the genius idea of pretending to be my husband!” Una blurted, head falling into her hands, “It was to fend off the Admiral’s son too, which means we’re in deep if they find out.” 

Hemmer blinked. Once, twice. 

“What happened to me telling him?” 

“Ok.” Pike sighed, “So, let me get this straight. You lied to the son of the militant, die-hard Admiral we’re trying to reason with, and the lie is that you’re both married…to each other?”

“Yes, Captain.” Hemmer scoffed, “Who else’s husband would I pretend to be in this scenario? Yours?”  

“Just checking!” Pike sighed, “Well since you both are on the welcome team tomorrow, I guess you’ll have to fake it until you make it.”

At Una’s disgusted face, Pike raised his hands. “I didn’t say it was fair. It’s only two days.” He shot Una a look.

“Two days, okay?” He smiled gently, “You’re strong, you’ll make it.” 

“You know, I’m here too.” Hemmer groaned, rolling his eyes. 

“You’re the one who got us in this mess!” Una snapped, “I could have handled it!”

A pause. A quick silence fell over the table.

Hemmer took a deep breath. “Una. I didn’t do that because I thought you couldn’t ‘handle it’, I intervened because you shouldn’t have to. It’s not because I don’t trust you, or think that you’re not capable, but because I…”

He coughed a little, “You’re my friend. I do not stand by when my friends are in danger– or god forbid– getting hit on by a drunk creep at a bar.” 

She sighed, “Alright, alright.”

“Now what?” Hemmer scoffed, “Do we craft more lies, or should we both hide in our quarters for the rest of the trip?”

Pike nodded slowly, “I may…have an idea.”

…

Twelve hours later: 

“This is stupid.” Hemmer scoffed, “We are going to get caught.” 

“Chris said it’d work!” Una hissed back, adjusting her dress.

Hemmer winced, fixing her headdress for the fifth time. “You put too much faith in that man-”

“-Oho! Says the man who managed to befriend the socially anxious cadet! Where’s your optimism? Or do you save it all for Uhura?!” 

“Let us not bring-”

“-No, no! Let’s both be irritable and miserable!” She cried quietly, “I’m sure that this plan will go swimmingly if we look like we want to drown ourselves!” 

“Una.” Hemmer’s hands dropped to his sides, “I don’t like this either. Do you know how many years it’s been since I’ve worn this?” 

He gestured to the old tunic covered in swirling patterns. Engagement patterns. 

The idea was to announce their elopement to the welcoming party and the crew of militant humanoids. The planet that they surveyed happened to be warp-capable, unfortunately, and Pike was trying his best at diplomacy despite wanting to bash his own head in. 

The Admiral and his son happened to be questioning the legality of Una’s marriage, which had somehow seeped into all of the conversations so far. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that they were both skeptical and hoping to use her as collateral. 

So, the idea was to announce their elopement, and then renounce their previous statements as soon as they were back in Federation space. 

Una’s face fell. “I know. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be.” Hemmer scoffed, “I got us into this mess-”

“-I should have asked Chris for a different plan.” Una sighed, “It’s only been a few months since-”

“-It’s ok.” 

“You keep saying that.” Una huffed, “I don’t think you mean it.” She leaned down, eyes filled with understanding. “The last person you need to hide from is me.” 

Hemmer’s head jerked to the side. 

“I…We do not have to like things to accept them.” He adjusted her headdress again. “I do not like this, but for you, I will make an exception.” He snorted, “Especially since the Admiral’s son seems adamant to add you to his collection.” 

Una sighed, “Alright. If you still don’t want to do this, I can go out alone.”

“No. Just be glad I didn’t ask you to wear my wife’s old engagement dress.”

“Why?”

Hemmer leaned in, whispering, “I have no idea what ‘neon-pink cheetah print’ looks like, but I assume it’s horrendous.”

Una let out a laugh, “Oh? You didn’t tell me your wife liked color!”  

“Yes.” Hemmer smiled, “I was gracious enough to give her the budget when we decorated our home.”

“Doesn’t the male Aenar usually decorate-”

“-Yes. I made an exception for her.” He rolled his eyes, “As I now do with you. Be grateful I let you pick your dress.” 

Una’s eyebrows raised. “Oh, you ‘let me’ pick my dress?”

“Oh, great.” Hemmer sighed exaggeratedly, “Here we go.”

The door creaked open. 

“Will you guys quit bickering for five seconds?” Pike hissed, “I’m starting to think you might actually be married-”

“Oh no,” Hemmer said dryly, “I’m way too expensive for Una’s tastes-”

A dull thud echoed through the room as Una whacked the Chief Engineer with the nearest heavy object. Unfortunately for him– an empty ashtray. 

“Shut up!” She giggled, “We need to look serious!”

“Oh?” He sneered, rubbing his arm, “I thought you said this wouldn’t work if we looked miserable?” 

Her chuckling subsided into a small smile. 

“Alright.” 

Pike raised his hands, “Are we going or are we not going?” 

Hemmer rolled his eyes, “Please, let’s get this over with.” 

…

They were still chuckling as they exited the boardroom. Not a bad way to start a sham marriage. 

As they returned to their quarters on the Enterprise, Hemmer slowed as they passed by the mess hall. His senses were much better than a human’s- and sometimes even surpassed Una’s. 

“Fork. It. Up.” Chapel crooned, “He wore the fucking hat.” 

Hemmer groaned. The conversation was most certainly about him and his traditional garb. 

Noticing his slow pace, Una stopped in the hallway. 

“What-?” She paused, no doubt her ears picking up the scattered conversation. 

“Oh.” She smirked, “Is it the hat?”

“Shut up.” 

It took a bit to get un-ready, but soon they were back in casual clothes at the Enterprise bar. 

“What were you going to order?” She asked, pushing his glass towards him. “You know, before this all went down?” 

Hemmer smiled, his hand reaching for a bracelet that was carefully hidden under his uniform. 

“A blue Hawaii.” He chuckled, “That was…her favorite.”

Una stopped. 

“You don’t drink.” 

“Not anymore, no.” 

At her confused expression, he exhaled heavily. 

“It’s been eight months since she passed. To the day.” He nodded curtly, “I…drank a lot after the funeral. Too much. Almost killed myself, actually.” He shrugged. 

“I…didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think the pain would ever go away.” 

Una nudged him. 

“Are you alright?”

“No.” He smiled a little, “No, it still hurts. But, if I may, there are two types of hurt people. Those who are hurt and hurt others, and those who are in pain and choose to do better.”

As he stirred the blue drink, he took a sip and winced. “I admit in the beginning I didn’t feel this way. But now, I can’t imagine wishing this on anyone else.”

Turning to the side, he coughed a little. “B’Ashera. That still tastes like-”

“Hemmer.” Una leaned in, “Thank you.”

“For what?” Hemmer spat, trying to dull the taste of coconut with a glass of water, “Trauma dumping?”

“It’s not trauma dumping if I asked, and secondly, I wanted to thank you for being honest.” 

“Eh.” He grinned, “The last thing we need to do is hide from each other.”

Una winced, her hand immediately rising to her badge. 

There was a slight pause. 

Hemmer shook his head. Despite his constant affirmations, Una was still scared of what other people thought of her. Of what she was rather than who. 

His head turned towards a distant table, where Pike was groaning and handing over what looked like a stack of credits to Chapel. 

Hemmer scoffed.

 “...He’ll know when he needs to know.” 

Una sighed, “The last thing I want to do is hide from him.”

He leaned in, “So, I say again…” Pausing, he smiled sadly. 

“Chris will know when he needs to know.” 

[acaciapines]

I just read all your deltarune fics and. I have to know. do you have playlists for each of the characters. and if you do. could you please share them. i’m so so curious about songs you attribute to each of the characters bc i love your interpretation of them so so much

oh!!! im glad you enjoyed them!!

i do have several playlists but not in any form i could share so. uh. instead i'll just make a list of all my most favorite songs i associate with these kids 'cause if i did every song we would be here for A Long While.

do feel free to send in another ask if you want me to explain one in more depth!!! im one of those people who cannot escape associating songs w/ characters/stories so i have a LOT more i could say if that is wanted lol.

Little Fang - Avey Tare's Slasher Flicks: literally The Most Kris Song Of All Time, like do I even have to explain it. its just Them.

Real Love Song - Nothing But Thieves: this is a newer one on my kris playlist but i think it really fits their relationship with dess--taking the 'love' part in a familial/platonic way, 'can i sing this to you / got a thing about you / and it won't go away' i think this song really captures the sort of...hold dess's opinion always has over kris's sense of self, and the way they feel about her isn't exactly returned equally. in a sense this fits more with my dess-raises-kris au but it does work for kris in my other works too.

San Cristobol - Mal Blum: this is the dess song of all time to the point where it's my voiceclaim for her and is half the reason the band au exists. one big part of my dess is that she leaves voluntarily, even if she might get stuck in a dark world later on--she leaves ON PURPOSE, because she wants to. and this song is like, leaving people behind, 'sometimes i think i left you just to see if i'd be missed,' and sort of wanting to reach out but also maybe not. in a world where dess sings this she is singing it to asriel.

My Tiger, My Heart - The Boy Least Likely To: another dess song of all time, if the last one is dess singing to asriel, this one is her to kris&noelle. this song has been on my dess playlist for so long i've scripted out an animatic to it. specifically i see this as being a song for the space after she sees the bunker but before she leaves--like 'my tiger my heart / we're growing apart' in regards to how she sees kris, and then 'and i think it would be / happier / being free' LIKE. GOD. ITS SO GOOD.

Wash - Floor Cry: noelle about dess...specifically noelle as i write her in the holiday-dreemurr kids series, her pov fic in there was named after this song, but its just about. how you idolize your older sister and then she leaves and comes back and maybe isnt as good as you thought she was and you realize you're going to pick kris over her and so its about 'i never want to / become just like you / it's pretty simple / wish i could tell you why' because noelle struggles with this because she should be happy her sister is back, right? and yet...

Sidelined - The Garages: this is THE RALSEI SONG OF ALL TIME.....like. oh my GOD just listen to it. it's ralsei all the way down, how she struggles with figuring out who she is, with being a darkner, with the prophecy and the weight it puts on her, and how she's supposed to be left behind and forgotten but she doesn't want that and how scary it is to try and be a person when the world never wanted you to be one.

Pluto - Sleeping at Last: ANOTHER RALSEI SONG....this one specifically is in regards to the dess raises kris au lol since i explore ralsei/susie/noelle there but it works for ralsei in all universes. like just listen to it. it's so ralseicore. its similar in theme to sidelined so im not going to repeat myself but just 'i've been worried all my life / a nervous wreak most of the time' to the chorus of 'til one day i had enough / of the exercise of trust / i leaned in and let it hurt / let my body feel the dirt.' LIKE

and these are most of my big ones! i have more around somewhere but most of these i dont even have in a playlist i just sort of remember whenever the song comes on njdfgdfg. sorry theres not so much asriel or susie here i just dont have as good songs for them.

once again if you (general) want me to dive more into one of the songs lemme know!!! i will always talk about these kids!!!

[lotusmi]

"I've been worried all my life

Falling backwards, falling backwards,

Until one day I had enough

Of this exercise of trust

I leaned in and let it hurt

Let my body feel the dirt

When I break pattern, I break ground

I rebuild when I break down

I wake up more awake than I've ever been before." Sleeping at Last, Pluto

[the-chosen-fanfiction]

Simon the Zealot | Carry You Home | Platonic

Requested: Yes

Your legs can’t carry you any further, but Simon can. It does, however, mean a dent in his tough-guy image.

Every step feels heavier than the previous one as you plod your way through the plains of Judea, your shins feeling like they are on fire ever since passing Jericho. Trailing behind far enough as is, you sigh in defeat as you let your eyes go to the horizon again, where Philip and Jesus are waiting for you. 

“Sorry that I’m keeping you behind,” Little James says next to you upon hearing the sound leaving your lungs, and it genuinely causes you to pull a face. 

“What? No!” you quip back, reassuring him, “You’re not a burden at all. My feet feel like they’re falling off. That sigh was not directed towards you.” 

James lets out a relieved noise and smiles a bit. “Well, at least I’m not lonely now.” You chuckle and look at him from the corner of your eye. 

“I wouldn't have left you alone regardless of my own feet, James.”

A pleasant silence befalls you two as you continue walking towards Jesus and Philip, who wear patient smiles on their faces. “Apologies for holding up the group.” you say, but the two men shake their heads. 

“Neither of you is doing such a thing,” Jesus tells you, smiling. “We cannot just leave you behind here, though. The others will go ahead and set up camp, so we can join them later.”

Feeling immediately a tad guilty for having the others do the heavy lifting, you open your mouth to protest: “But Teacher, we cannot let the rest do our hard manual labour for us! I’d feel so burdened if someone had to set up my tent all by himself!”

Putting a hand on your shoulder, Jesus gently squeezes it. “Stop worrying so much, (Y/n). I love you, but don’t talk yourself down about matters you cannot do anything about. It has been a long day and those who set up camp know very well that you’re exhausted, so don’t mention it, okay? And we both know you’d do the same for them if the roles had been reversed.”

You dutifully nod, knowing better than to question Jesus’ judgement, and lean on the long stick you had found on the side of the road earlier, which supports you on your walk. Still, your feet feel like they might fall off soon.

For a moment, you wonder if it would be strange to ask Jesus to alleviate your hurt, but when you look at Little James walking beside you, you realise that you would feel ashamed to complain about your temporary pain, whereas your friend has been in this discomfort all his life and never so much as complained. 

On the horizon, someone runs your way – it is your good friend Simon, who seems to be in a bit of a hurry. “Master,” he gasps, slightly out of breath upon arriving in front of the four of you, his sandals leaving a trail of dust in their wake. “The boys in the front are bickering again, they’re having trouble picking a place to sleep and they have all agreed that they will only let You pick a spot to camp now.”

Jesus lets out a chuckle and rolls His eyes playfully. “Oh, why am I not surprised? Very well,” He quips with humour in His voice, “Simon, can you stay with Little James and (Y/n)? Philip, you come with Me to settle this little argument in the front. We will see you later, okay? Take your time, don't worry about us setting up your places to sleep or not having food, we will make sure that things are alright.”

“Can’t Philip stay with them, Master?” Simon suggests, gesturing at you and James, “Of course they are my friends, but I was hoping to get in some exercise before sundown, and…” 

The rest of his words trail off when he sees Jesus smile knowingly at him. “You will get your exercise Simon, trust Me. If I didn’t want you to stay with them, I wouldn’t have asked. And then, you’re always running around, doing heavy labour. Sometimes it is better to slow down for a bit, too.”

The bunch of you nod in agreement, but Simon seems less keen to stay behind. When Jesus and Philip are a fair bit away, the former Zealot sighs next to you with a slight pout over his features.

“What, not happy with babysitting duty?” you jest, and Simon snorts a laugh. 

“That’s not it,” he says, “It’s just not in my nature to walk so slowly.”

You chuckle lightly. “We know, Si.”

James pipes up: “At least now we’ve got someone very strong at our side in case something happens to us. If we happened to be robbed right now, we wouldn’t have to hand over our bags.”

“Not that there is a lot in there in the first place.” you murmur, earning an amused hum from him.

Simon folds his hands on his back as he walks next to the two of you in silence, eyes focused upon the distance. “Where do you think we’ll sleep tonight? Do you reckon we’ll have to walk for much longer?” 

You shrug. “I don’t know, it entirely depends on what Jesus– Gah!” 

The sudden dent in the road goes unnoticed by you and you strangely twist through your ankle, feeling it shift to the side. A wave of nausea hits you in the gut as you fall to the ground, a searing pain shunting through your form. 

“(Y/n)!” James cries out, “Are you okay?”

“Are you hurt?” Simon crouches down next to you and reaches for your elbow, his gaze focused on your ankle that is throbbing with white hot pain. Inhaling sharply, you nearly choke on your own tongue as you try to gather the air to speak, throwing back your head in discomfort, your teeth grinding together as you grip at your foot, letting out a strained sound. 

“Oh, Hades!” you manage to hiss, having picked up the term from Philip, “That hurts!” Tears spring into your eyes at the sensation.

Little James puts a concerned hand on your arm. “Can you walk?”

You exhale deeply through your nose as you try to move around your ankle, pain ripping through your heel and shunting up all through your calf. “I–I don’t know!” you stutter, your heart beating loudly against your chest. “Simon, can you help me up?”

The former Zealot shakes his head, and you frown in confusion, until he clarifies: 

“Properly sit down for a second, okay? I need to investigate it first.”

You shift yourself to sit on the road, Simon gently taking hold of your leg to stretch it out in front of you, taking your foot into his lap as he kneels down. “I’m going to remove your sandal, is that okay?” You nod, pursing your lips as he undoes the straps and carefully takes it off, holding your foot at the heel, unfazed by the sand between your toes. 

“It feels warm already,” he says, concerned. “It should be compressed for a bit, at least until we reach camp, just to keep it from swelling too much.”

Simon reaches into the bag on his hip and takes out a knife, your eyes widening at the sight. When he sees James’ and your responses at the fact that he carries a weapon on him, he smiles a bit. “It’s meant to cut fruits, don’t worry about it.”

Sighing in relief, you watch how he takes a few scraps of fabric from his bag, selects one and stuffs the others back in. Simon slices a strip clean off, and another, and another, before positioning your foot into his lap properly. You whimper in pain and he mutters a soft apology as he begins binding your ankle.

James holds out his hand for you to squeeze into and you gladly take it, smiling gratefully at him. With practised ease, Simon wraps the strips of fabric around your ankle, your heel, tightly strapping it into a certain position so that you have no choice but to keep it in a straight angle. “Just tell me if it is too tight,” Simon says upon a pained sound that leaves you, but you shake your head. 

“I’ll be fine. Thank you.” 

“Any time,” Simon tells you, putting away his items before helping you put your sandal back on, securing it. “Let’s see if you can walk. Luckily, you have a stick on you already.”

Upon standing, Simon helps you to your feet. However, the moment you slowly set it down, you lift your leg immediately to not put any pressure on the ankle. James hands you the walking stick and you lean into it, hoping for it to take away some of the agony. 

“I feel so silly for spraining my ankle now,” you sigh, “Sorry to keep you guys back even more.”

“You can’t help it, (Y/n), so no need to apologise.” James says. 

Simon supports your elbow as you attempt to make a step forward, but in spite of the assistance you’re receiving, tears blur your vision. “Oh, that is awful!” you whimper, distressed. “I don’t think I can walk.”

The three of you fall silent, your gaze going to the horizon, your heart sinking inside your chest. “Who knows how far we might be away from camp, still? For all we know, it’s miles away.”

“Pessimism will get us nowhere.” Simon reminds you, and you sigh, knowing that you’d indeed spend that time better by thinking of a solution. 

James suddenly pipes up. “Simon, can’t you carry her?”

The former Zealot frowns. “What?”

“Carry her on your back.”

He lets out a small noise and almost flusters at the suggestion. “As (Y/n) just said, camp could be miles away. Can’t we look for another solution?”

“Well, what do you suggest?” 

Brief silence as Simon overthinks it, visibly pondering for a few seconds before admitting to it. “Fine,” he sighs, “I can carry you. But don’t tell the others, otherwise people will request me to carry them just because they don’t feel like walking.” 

You chuckle at the mental image of Big James asking Simon for such a thing and wonder if this would mean a scratch onto his pride, but then, Jesus Himself had said he would get his exercise today. 

“Thank you, Simon.” you earnestly say, smiling kindly. “That means a lot, actually.”

He hums, reluctantly lowering himself so that you can put your arms around his shoulders and wrap your bad leg around his waist so that you can kick yourself off the ground with the other, and he grabs a hold of the back of your knees, lifting you up with a slight grunt. 

“See, that’s not too bad, is it?” James says with amusement in his voice, “If I ever trail back again or feel tired, I know just who to turn to, now.”

Simon lets out a sound and rolls his eyes, but cannot fight the smile. “See, there’s the kind of trouble I was fearing. Are you comfortable, (Y/n)?”

You tighten your grip around his shoulders and shift a little against his back before humming in agreement. “I am now,” you say, “As much as the pain allows me to be.”

When Simon starts to walk, you tightly grab onto him, sudden pain shunting through your ankle at the shocks that go through your body at every step. You rest your head against Simon’s back, grunting in pain. “Sorry,” you squeak, “Every movement just hurts.”

“Jesus will fix it,” Simon tells you, “And if not, it will only hurt for a few days.”

You manage to relax, trying to not focus too much on the pain. “Hm, would you carry me for several days, then?”

Simon clicks his tongue. “In your dreams, (Y/n). I’d drag you through the sand at a certain point.”

Both you and James laugh and you feel yourself becoming drowsy at the feeling of the lowering sun warming your back, the even pad of Simon’s feet lulling you into a state of content. 

“Falling asleep back there, (Y/n)?” James muses upon seeing your closed eyes, and you smile sleepily. 

“Maybe…” you hum, and Simon grabs a firmer hold on you as your body begins to slightly slouch forward against him. “Is it too heavy, Si?”

He shakes his head. “It’s okay,” he mutters, “Just close your eyes and try to rest while you can. After all, we don’t know how far off it is, and the more you sleep, the more energy you’ll have for your ankle to heal, and it means that your pain isn’t too bad at this very moment.”

You hum. “That’s right,” you say. “Thank you again for doing this.”

“Hey, don’t mention it.” Simon says, “Seriously thought, don’t mention it.” 

Laughing lightly, you pat his shoulder. “You grump.”

Simon’s eyebrows shoot up and he looks at you over his shoulder, giving you a challenging look. “I could drop you right here and now, you know?”

“You could, but you wouldn’t.”

The three of you travel onwards slowly albeit surely, hoping to find the rest of the followers somewhere soon. “Wake me up when you see camp,” you muse, closing your eyes again. 

Simon ignores the amused laughter of James.

“What a sight, though. Who knew that you were such a soft and caring person under all that tough-guy stuff?” Little James comments. You sleepily giggle.

In spite of his request, the former Zealot realises that he might not hear the end of this any time soon.

[no6secretsanta]

No. 6 Secret Santa Playlist

Gift for @fagnightsatfreddys from @pigeonsimba! I tried to get lyric videos for all, but alas. I did it by youtube links since I know not everyone has Spotify, but the Spotify link is at the bottom too.  Hope you enjoy!

An Act of Kindness - Bastille

An act of kindness

Is what you showed to me

It caught me by surprise

In this town of glass and ice

Miracle Cure - Sea Wolf

If I can surround you in beautiful sounds, I will

If I can repay you for coming to save me, I will

Midnight Dove - Shawn James

I found myself, found myself amongst the thorns and weeds

You found yourself, found yourself amongst the beautiful trees

We are not the same, no, we are not the same

Pluto - Sleeping At Last

‘Til one day I had enough

Of this exercise of trust

I leaned in and let it hurt

Let my body feel the dirt

Someone You’d Admire - Fleet Foxes

I walk with others in me yearning to get out

Claw at my skin and gnash their teeth and shout

One of them wants only to be someone you’d admire

One would as soon just throw you on the fire

Help Me - rainbow frog biscuits

Please don’t do that thing again

‘Cause you make me all confused

I try my best to look ahead

But all I see is you

Sort Of - Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you’ve got the sort of hands to rip me apart

And baby, you’ve got the sort of face to start this old heart

But your eyes are warning me this early morning

That my love’s too big for you, my love

Fuck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs

Love is so embarrassing

I’m this awkward and uncomfortable thing

I’m running out of places to hide it

Heaven is a Place - Amber Run

I don’t know when I started loving you

Now it’s all that I can do

King of a Tragedy - Isak Danielson

I wanna surrender and sacrifice

The fear that I feel when I look in your eyes

Please take me to heaven before I die

I am the king of a tragedy, king of a tragedy

Atlantis - Noah Gundersen, Phoebe Bridgers

If I was Atlantis and you were the sea

I’d sneak up behind you and break your knees

I’d cut off your fingers and both of your feet

So you couldn’t reach me, but you couldn’t leave

Forces of the Unseen - Cloud Cult

I’m gonna make it through, you’ll see.

I swear I’ll prove you wrong.

You haven’t seen the last of me.

I am way too strong.

Agape - Bear’s Den

For I’m so scared of losing you

And I don’t know what I can do about it

Lost Without You - Freya Ridings

You said, “I want to see the world”, and I said, “Go”

But I think I’m lost without you

The Moon is Down - Radical Face

You were never at rest

You were always somewhere-bound

But as for me, I’m the simple kind

I’ll live and die in this town

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5eIUXWfVi71F2ekTilsM15?si=57a98097db714415

[astaldis]

Issue no 30 - Scars

@whumpers-monthly

Two little excerpts from Prison Blues with scars

Fandom: The Witcher Netflix/The Witcher novels

Whumpee: Cahir

Whumper: Emhyr var Emreis

Caretaker: Assire var Anahid & Merlin (the cat)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, torture, Dead Dove: Do not eat! (but has some nice comfort, too, starting in the second half of chapter 9)

Summary: While sitting around the campfire with his companions, Jaskier sings one of his favourite songs. Which elicits a very unexpected reaction from one of the more recent additions to the company. Jaskier can be such an idiot once in a while. The good thing is - he knows and is ready to apologise. However, things are much worse than he anticipated and a quick sorry nowhere near enough.

From Chapter 8 - Ruin

"You look much better. The haircut is definitely an improvement. As well as the fresh clothes. Black does suit you," the Emperor says appraisingly when he comes to visit the prisoner late in the evening that day. Thoroughly enjoying the feeling of being clean for once, Cahir was, for the lack of a blanket, already half asleep in his new shirt and pants when the door creaked open, and thought he was dreaming at first. But he was not. The Emperor is here in his cell. And he is, once again, kneeling before him with trepidation, not having a clue about what to expect of the visit. More punishment? Absolution and release? Just another, rather one-sided, chat? Anything is possible. Which is quite unsettling. 

"Let's see if the food and exercise are doing you good, too," Emhyr continues. "Take off your shirt."

Cahir does as he is ordered. 

"Hmm, far better, indeed. Lean, but wiry." Emhyr reaches down to the kneeling prisoner and clutches Cahir's upper arm with one hand, feeling his biceps. "And muscular enough. The push-ups are paying off, I guess." Then, this time with the slightly callused inside of his thumb, he traces down one of the fresh scars that runs from Cahir's shoulder to his wrist, giving the young knight goosebumps all over. "Healed nicely, too. Not painful anymore, I hope?" Cahir shakes his head, surprised at the question. Is the White Flame concerned about him after all?

"Good. I trust you still remember the lesson, though?"

The lesson. Cahir swallows visibly at the memory. Of course, he remembers, how could he forget? Bowing his head and looking down at the stone floor, he nods. 

"What are you waiting for then?" The Emperor suddenly barks at him. "Strip!"

From Chapter 12 - The Present

Later in the evening, his belly full with a delicious and easy to eat fish stew accompanied by two glasses of excellent white wine, something he has not had in what feels like ages, Cahir is totally ready to follow Merlin's example, who, having eaten his share of fish, has already curled up under the blanket in the young knight's bed. However, his grandaunt motions for him to stay seated while she fetches something from her bedroom. A glass jar filled with some kind of ointment. 

"I thought you might want me to do something about those scars." She sits down opposite him again and puts the jar on the table. "So I mixed up this salve for you. The scars won't vanish completely as they are too old already, but together with a special spell I should be able to fade them quite a bit. However, for the spell and salve to work, I will have to trace every single scar with the tip of my finger. It might be somewhat uncomfortable and tingle and itch a little, too."

Cahir nods slowly. He hates those scars. And the memories they bring. Anything that makes them less conspicuous will probably be worth it. 

"I suggest you sit on the sofa. Take off your shirt and I'll start with the scars on your arms. Then we'll see how it goes."

It is slow and indeed tingly and itchy, and not a little awkward having his grandaunt touching him like this. Inhaling deeply, Cahir closes his eyes. Which makes it a lot worse. The cold salve Assire is applying while murmuring the words of a spell over and over does not feel much different from the cold tip of the metal device Dalgart, the torture master, used when he started cutting him, just teasingly at the beginning, merely grazing his skin, sending chills of foreboding up and down his spine. Shuddering, Cahir quickly opens his eyes again and focuses on the sorceress's nimble fingers. Soft human fingers, not metal claws. Fingers that want to help and heal, not tear and torture. There is no blood, just some whitish ointment. Which does not drip down his arms and onto the floor but is quickly absorbed into the skin. Cahir can already see the scars become lighter in colour and less jagged, observe the ugly and very visible reminders of his ordeal in the torture chamber that make him cringe every time he sees them fade. Taking another deep breath, he holds out his left arm to his grandaunt after she has finished with his right, his hand only shaking slightly. 

However, when, eventually, Assire begins to treat the scars on his chest, he loses it. No matter how hard Cahir tries to focus on the sorceress and on what she is doing, all he can think of, see, feel is Emhyr var Emreis standing in front of him in the dungeon tracing his scars with the tip of his index finger in some creepy travesty of a caress before he ... Cahir's stomach turns all of a sudden and he starts to tremble violently, gasping for breath, his heart thumping like mad. Through the loud ringing in his ears he hears Assire say something, but the words are drowned out by the crescendoing buzz. Just a second away from retching all over the place, he suddenly feels something in the palm of his hand. Something small, oval-shaped with a cool, smooth surface ...

Read the story on Ao3 here. But please mind the warnings/tags!

Published: 2022-06-04; Completed: 2022-08-03; Words: 32,676; Chapters: 14/14

[that-demigirl]

Born To Die - Chapter 4

Chapter Summary: The training course starts and a big fight breaks out among the detachment

A/N: I hope y'all enjoy the chapter. Any and all feedback is appreciated.

Everyone was just getting in for the day when Allison’s attention was drawn to Jake and Javy. They were looking at one of the pictures in the room and curiosity got the best of her. Erin wasn’t there yet to keep her company and as mad as she was a t Jake, Javy was still her friend.

“What are you boys looking at?” Allison approached them and leaned down to look at the picture.

“It’s Maverick’s Top Gun class,” Javy pointed out. Jake stayed uncharacteristically quiet, “But look who’s standing next to him.”

Allison’s eyes were drawn to a man who looked very familiar. Upon closer inspection she realized it was Bradley’s dad. Erin had told her the very surface details of what happened with the mission that took Bradley’s dad away one night. Allison sent a worried look over to Javy and Jake, hoping that maybe they would let this one go and not bring it up.

“Let’s leave the dead to rest, please,” Allison asked softly before walking away from the boys. She didn’t even look back, but if she did she would’ve seen Jake’s eyes following her across the room. She looked to the entrance of the room to see Bradley and Erin walking in and conversing as if nothing was wrong. Allison would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised by it.

“Allie!” Erin smiled, “You left early this morning, I didn’t even hear you get up.”

“Yeah, I just needed to get a run in before work,” Allison responded.

“Good morning, Medusa,” Bradley greeted, not even a bit uneasy around either Erin or Allison for once.

“Rooster,” Allison nodded her head to him. She would accept a… temporary truce, for now. She still didn’t trust him, especially not around Erin, but if the two were on speaking terms then Allison wouldn’t interfere with that.

—

“Time is your greatest enemy,” Pete explained to the group of pilots, all sitting in a classroom-like setting. Allison and Erin sat right behind Javy and Jake and just to the right of Bradley, “Phase one of the mission will be a low-level ingress attacking two plane teams. You’ll fly along this narrow canyon to your target. Radar guided surface-to-air missiles defend the area. These SAMs, they’re lethal, but they were designed to protect the skies above, not the canyon below.”

“That’s because the enemy knows no one is insane enough to try and fly below them,” Bradley spoke up. Erin glanced over to him before looking back at their mission brief. An uneasy feeling settled in her stomach as she realized there was a good chance someone wasn’t making it back from this mission. 

“That’s exactly what I’m gonna train you to do,” Pete responded to Bradley, his face devoid of any of his usual humor or wit. Erin had rarely seen him so serious, not in her years of knowing him as a kind of surrogate uncle. The only time she could remember was when her actual uncle had gotten cancer and broke the news to everyone over dinner. Erin didn’t think she’d ever forget that night.

“On the day, your altitude will be 100 feet maximum,” Pete continued to explain, “You exceed this altitude, radar will spot you and you’re dead. Your airspeed will be 660 knots minimum. Time to target, two and a half minutes. That’s because fifth-generation fighters wait at an air base nearby.”

As Pete continued to brief the pilots, Erin glanced over to Allison. The two women made eye contact with worry showing in both of their eyes. This wasn’t just any mission, this was a suicide mission. Erin could see her earlier conclusion reaching Allison as well. Somebody wasn’t making it back home this time.

Pete set up what the exercise of the day would be. They would lighten the parameters to start, but the exercise wouldn’t be easy. As everyone filtered out of the classroom to get ready all Erin could feel was a sense of worry and dread. She knew that out of all the two-seaters in their group, her and Allison were one of the best. They had proven that time and time again, but she didn’t think even their best would be enough for this mission.

—

The first run was Javy with Natasha and Robert. Allison had sat on the edge of her seat the entire time, watching the icons on the screen and listening to the radio chatter. A visible wince crossed her face as she watched Javy suddenly slow down and Natasha be forced above the ceiling parameter for the exercise. The three looked defeated as they came into the classroom to debrief their run.

“Why are they dead?” Pete asked Javy.

“We broke the 300 foot ceiling and a SAM took us out,” Natasha answered instead. Allison glanced over to Javy as an even deeper look of defeat crossed his face.

“No, why are they dead?” Pete dismissed Natasha and looked directly at Javy.

“I slowed down and didn’t give her a warning, it was my fault,” Javy responded.

“Was there a reason you didn’t communicate with your team?” Pete pressed.

“I was focusing on-” Javy began to respond.

“One that their family will accept at the funeral?” Pete cut him off with a grave facial expression. Allison couldn’t help the protective instinct welling up in her. It was just an exercise and he was doing the best he could. As if sensing her thought process, Erin laid a gentle hand on her arm as if to calm her.

“None, sir,” Javy responded.

“Why didn’t you anticipate the turn?” Pete turned to Natasha, “You were briefed on the terrain. Don’t tell me, tell it to his family.”

Natasha looked just as defeated as Javy as she glanced over to Robert. Allison looked at Erin, wondering just what she would say to Erin’s family if she ever lost her and it was her fault. How would she explain that to a family that barely wanted Erin to fly in the first place?

—

The next to go were Jake with Reuben and Mickey. If how he flew with Erin and Allison the day before was anything to go by, Erin did not have a good feeling about this run. He wasn’t listening to Reuben and leaving him in the dust. She could hear Reuben get both increasingly frustrated with him and fearful at the same time. 

“What happened?” Pete asked Jake once the three had returned from their run.

“I flew as fast as I could,” Jake responded, “Kind of like my ass depended on it.”

“And you put your team in danger, and your wingman’s dead,” Bradley called him out. Erin and Allison both looked to be agreeing with Bradley as they turned their eyes back to Jake.

“They couldn’t keep up,” was all that came from Jake.

“Maybe if you would’ve listened to your team, this wouldn’t be a problem,” Erin heard Allison mutter next to her. Erin thought she might be seeing something, but it almost looked like Jake tensed after hearing Allison. She must be delusional though cause nothing ever phased Jake.

—

Then it came to Bradley with Allison and Erin. For the most part the course itself was going well except for the fact they were behind schedule by a large margin. Or at least a large margin when it came to the standards of flying fighter jets.

“Rooster, we’re 20 seconds behind and only getting slower,” Allison called out as they flew the course.

“We’re fine, speed is good,” Bradley dismissed her worry. Allison did not like that response, especially as she watched the timer keep counting down.

“Increase to 500 knots,” Allison tried to direct him.

“Negative, Medusa, hold your speed,” Bradley refused.

“Rooster, we’re way behind schedule,” Allison again tried to reason with him. She knew Bradley was a careful flier, someone who didn’t want to do anything reckless or endanger anyone. Allison just wished he saw it was just as dangerous to go slow.

“We’re alive,” Bradley countered, “We can make up time in the straightaway.”

“We aren’t going to make it, Rooster,” Allison sounded even more frustrated. Erin felt helpless in the backseat, listening to both of them argue with each other.

“Just trust me,” Bradley responded, “Maintain your speed, we can make it.”

And then they didn’t make it, at least not in time. They all went back up to the classroom to debrief their own run. If Erin hadn’t been there, Allison might’ve picked a fight with Bradley about the run. Fortunately for him, Erin was there and Allison had already shown one emotional outburst in front of her. No need for another one.

“Why are you dead?” Pete asked Bradley directly, “You’re team leader up there. Why are you, why is your team dead?”

“Because he doesn’t know how to listen to his team,” Allison commented.

“Yet you’re the only ones who made it to the target,” Natasha defended Bradley.

“A minute late,” Pete countered, “He gave enemy aircraft time to shoot him down. He is dead.”

“We don’t know that,” Erin spoke up, also coming to Bradley’s defense. Pete looked almost shocked at her speaking up. 

“He’s not flying fast enough, you don’t have a second to waste,” came Jake’s overconfident voice from the front of the class.

“We made it to the target,” Bradley finally spoke up, countering Jake.

“And superior enemy aircraft intercepted you on your way out,” Pete said.

“Then it’s a dogfight,” Bradley responded.

“Against fifth-generation fighters?” Pete questioned him.

“Yeah, we’d still have a chance,” Bradley argued.

“In an F-18,” Pete began to raise his voice. Erin felt like she was watching her high school years all over again. Seeing Bradley and Pete at each other’s throats. Allison couldn’t honestly believe the amount of insubordination coming from Bradley.

“It’s not the plane, sir, it’s the pilot,” Bradley said.

“Exactly!” Pete yelled, staring him dead on. There was a moment of tense silence as the two reached a stand off.

“There’s more than one way to fly this mission,” Bradley finally said.

“You really don’t get it,” Jake said as Allison braced herself for the impending fight, “On this mission, a man flies like Maverick here, or a man does not come back. No offense intended.”

“Yet somehow you always manage,” Robert said as Jake aimed his last comment at Natasha. Erin had a hard time stifling the chuckle at Robert actually putting Jake in his place, knowing it was neither the time nor the place for it.

“Look, I don’t mean to criticize. You’re conservative that’s all,” Jake continued and all Allison could think was ‘why isn’t Maverick stopping this?’.

“Lieutenant,” Pete spoke up, a weak attempt to put an end to Jake’s tirade.

“We’re going into combat, son, on a level no living pilot’s ever seen,” Jake just pressed on, ignoring their instructor.

“Hangman,” Allison warned, also seeing where this was going.

“Not even him,” Jake ignored her as well, “That’s no time to be thinking about the past.”

‘What’s that supposed to mean?” Bradley turned to Jake, anger written all over his face.

“Rooster…” “Bradley…” Both Pete and Erin spoke up at the same time.

“I can’t be the only one that knows that Maverick flew with his old man,” Jake leaned back in his seat and continued to speak.

“Jake, stop,” Allison all but begged him.

“That’s enough,” Pete harshly turned to Jake.

“Or that Maverick was flying when his old man-” Jake got cut off at Bradley leaped at him, ready to throw a punch. It all happened so fast. Javy went to protect Jake. Erin went to stand in front of Bradley, though she was facing him as if to calm him down. Allison went to hold Jake back from starting anymore shit. Pete lept in between the two pilots, trying to get everyone to knock it off.

“You son of a bitch,” Bradley yelled at Jake as Erin began pushing him back and Robert helped her hold him off.

“Hey man,” Javy continued to protect Jake while also holding him back with Allison.

“I’m cool, I’m cool,” Jake shook both of them off. Allison couldn’t believe the amount of bs she just heard from him.

“That’s enough,” Pete cut in, tone harsh and firm.

“He’s not cut out for this mission,” Jake said, staring directly at Bradley. 

“Jake, shut up,” Allison glared at the much taller man.

“You know I’m right,” Jake said to Pete as he walked out, intentionally walking by Bradley who was still being held back by Erin, Robert, Natasha, and Reuben.

“You’re all dismissed,” Pete said, looking around at all the pilots. Allison ran after Jake before Javy could while Erin pulled Bradley out of the classroom from a different exit. The rest of the pilots went their separate ways.

Tag list: @djs8891

[storm-angel989]

Outside The Office Part Thirty Four

I love love love and appreciate the comments! I am so glad y'all like this story!

Three days later I stood in front of the mess of demons in front of me. I tried to hide the nerves that threatened to overcome me, and bit back any trace of kindness. This was the group I had chosen, the group of souls who had the potential to become higher up in my military. The group of souls I needed to trust, because as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t train them all on my own, especially not with the time crunch. 

I was grateful Lucifer did have some sort of starting point, encampments of demons who formed some sort of a military base. I sorted through those positions first and kept the ones who demonstrated excellence- and got rid of those who didn’t. I was hopeful that I could fill those spots from the ones in this group. Those who didn’t make it would fall in with the next group of recruits. 

“You’re here because the data shows you’re the best of the crop. That isn’t saying much, judging by your peers,” I began. I heard the coldness slip into my voice. I was a soldier, just like my father. “You’re here because on paper, you have the potential to be a leader. Let’s see if you can prove that.”

I fell into the commander role easily. Walking around the room, barking orders, assessing, eliminating, sorting and managing came naturally to me- hell, it should. I’ve been training for this my entire life. 

Midday, Lucifer waltzed in to fuck up my plans.

“Ah, no no,” he scolded as he looked over my elimination choices. “No, he’s the bastard son of Greed, I can’t not have him in a leadership position.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. That recruit in particular showed zero judgment, zero remorse, and absolutely zero sense of self preservation based on his actions during our first exercise of the day. 

“With all due respect, Uncle Lucifer, he doesn’t deserve or fit into this role. Maybe with time and training.” And a swift kick in the ass, I thought. But I didn’t say it.

Lucifer sighed and leaned back, “do you know what makes my job so hard? Appeasing the beings your mother created.”

“Respectfully, Uncle Lucifer, I don’t give a shit what they think of me and neither should you,” I replied. “Because if this doesn’t work, they’re fucked just like we are.”

Silence filled the room. Thoughts raced through my head. I didn’t have enough time- there just wasn’t any way around it. 

“Your brain is working, I can see it. Talk to me, love,” Lucifer said as he leaned forward. He rested his head in his hands and waited patiently. 

“There is no way my plan is going to work,” I said out loud finally. “It just can’t happen, I don’t have enough time.”

Lucifer raised an eyebrow. “What were you thinking of doing?”

I explained my thoughts to him. The idea of entering the same portal the angels came out of. Of going through and confronting Sera, of ensuring Adam was taken down. But I didn’t have enough faith in the leaders on the ground to leave them alone. Lucifer would have to step up and take over my total command while I was gone.

Lucifer considered my proposition. “It isn’t a bad idea. But I think we’ll have to see who actually enters the battle. Adam will, and he’s the primary target, correct? Wasn’t our plan to take him down and watch heaven scramble?”

I nodded, “he is, and it was, but am I even powerful enough to take him down on my own? And wouldn’t this send a stronger message?”

Lucifer laughed. “Oh sweetheart. You haven’t even seen yet just how much you’ve grown.” He stood up and began to pace, “as far as messages go, you’re not wrong. They can’t ignore a blatant invasion of their own territory. We’re down to our final month, but I think we can pull off your plan with a few contingencies. One, you’re going to have to go through the portal yourself. I can’t join you for a variety of reasons. Two, we don’t know exactly where Adam will be. And he’s the one we should take down first.” He paused as he considered, “the more I think about it, the more I like your idea. Leave the ground battle to me. You slip through that portal. Give them a good scare. If you see Adam, kill him. If you don’t, leave him to me.”

I considered the amended plan. I supposed it could work, if Lucifer did truly take over my position. As I thought about it, another question popped up in my mind. “Uncle Lucy? Is overpopulation and lack of resources for the sinners in hell an actual concern? Isn’t that what the extermination was initially about? Too many sinners who could overtake hell?”

He shook his head. “No. I have the power to expand the rings of hell as much as needed to contain the sinners within. My father’s creations will never actually over populate Hell…it was a propaganda I needed to utilize to limit riots around the extermination. Vox’s idea, actually.” He paused his pacing and looked at me, “and if you’ll remember, the deal I had with your father was a controlled extermination. I chose the sinners- the worst of the worst- to be sacrificed to heaven. No amount of sinners could ever truly take down heaven. They would need a portal to go through, which is why you’re such a threat. You’re something they failed to account for.”

“How so?”

Lucifer shrugged, “I suspect that with enough souls owned, you’ll be able to open up portals to heaven and hell, much easier than I can see as you’re half and half and not banned from heaven. Technically, you never fell. Nor do they know you don’t yet have that ability. But that’s besides the point. Getting back to your initial question no, the extermination was initially nothing more than a power play. And now, with the end of this deal, we need to make sure that Heaven desires a new contract as much as we do. So yes, I support you going through the portal. I support you going through to Sera and hitting them where it hurts. Show them how dangerous we are, especially with you on our side. Maybe then…we can come to a better agreement. Perhaps end the extermination all together.”

I nodded as I processed the gravity of the situation. “So to be clear, in one month's time, the portal is going to open. You’re going to stay on the ground and be our primary leader. Take out Adam if you see him, or I will if I do. I’m going to take the first opportunity to slip into the portal, and…”

“And approach Sera. Make it clear to her that you will come back and finish the job if she doesn’t call off her troops and agree to a remediation meeting. But whatever you do, I need you to come back through that portal, unscathed. Understood?”

“I’m a bargaining chip. I understand.” I replied without considering my words. 

“No,” he said sharply. He reached over and grabbed my shoulders. “You’re my niece. And I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. Understood?” He released me and gave my hand the briefest of squeezes. “We’ve got one month. Let’s do this.” 

Later that night, I sat across from the V’s at dinner, half listening to them chat about their day. Lost in thought about the extermination and upcoming battle, I twirled my pasta listlessly. 

“Reader? Reader? Hey! Reader!” Vox’s fingers snapped in front of my face. 

I shook my head, trying to bring myself back to reality. “Sorry, Vox, what?”

He looked at me with concern. “You’ve twirled that same strand of fettuccine at least ten times. Are you okay?”

I looked down at the uneaten dish, and then around at all of their empty plates. Great, one of more thing for them to be on my case about. “Yeah, I’m just tired,” I answered. “Guys, is there any way I can skip the club scene tonight? I have a lot on my mind.” 

Valentino looked at Velvette and Vox. “Something you want to talk about, cariño?”

I shook my head. “Not here. Not in public. Maybe in the privacy of our apartment.”

“Then consider your request granted,” Valentino said gently. “I’ll have them wrap up your dinner. You can eat later, okay?” 

“I think we could all use a night at home anyway,” Vox added. 

“Agreed. I’m dying to catch up on the latest season of All My Favorite Drama,” Velvette added. “Any interest in joining? We can flop on the couch.”

I looked at them with surprise but agreed instantly. Valentino snapped his fingers and within ten minutes we were back in the limo. I laid my head against his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head. He didn’t press the issue, and instead he wrapped his arms around me tighter. 

“We’re here for you, pequeño amor,” he replied gently. “You can talk to us. Even Lucifer told you that, right?”

“He did. It’s just a lot,” I replied quietly. “Honestly, all I want is a cup of hot chocolate and to be told it's okay. And I’ve never craved that comfort in my life.”

He sighed and guided me to his chest. “We can provide the hot chocolate and comfort you desire. You have family now, a real family. And we love you.” 

The limo pulled to a stop and I interlaced my hands in his as we made our way upstairs. One elevator ride, comfy pajamas and warm mug of hot chocolate later, I was snuggled against Valentino on the couch, Vox and Velvette on the other side, the television playing softly in the background. 

“Alright, fill us in babe, what’s got your heart racing?” Vox asked as he looked up from his phone. “And I do mean literally. Come on, you’re gonna have to debrief us at some point.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “This is the plan, guys. We have a month before the angels come down. Lucifer and I decided that while he acted as lead commander down here, I’m going to slip back through the portal they open-”

“Fuck no you’re not,” Valentino interupted sharply. 

Vox shook his head at Valentino. “Val, let her finish.”

I pushed myself away from Valentino ever so slightly. “Val, I’m going back through the portal and will confront Sera. Lucifer mentioned that he thinks with enough souls, eventually, I will also be able to open the portal between the two worlds on my own eventually, and that;s going to scare them. Lucifer can already open the portal, they know that,  but to have an unknown entity, and I’m one they physically cannot keep from heaven? That’s a double threat. That’s a bargaining chip. Listen, if I don’t do this and we don’t come to an agreement, the world we know will literally end and there will be no one left. We won’t win this fight in the end, so we need to scare them into submission.”

“I don’t like it,” Velvette said slowly. “But I understand it.”

“Princessa, is there really no other option?” Valentino asked softly.

I shook my head. “It’s the best plan Lucifer and I could come up with. And I’ll be fine Val. I know heaven’s layout like the back of my hand. Even though I lived in the military ring, I was taught every inch of the land.”

Valentino reached for me and I let myself lay on him.

“Are you afraid, bebita? Are you frightened?” He asked quietly. “It’s okay if you are.”

“I’m not afraid of dying,” I replied quickly. 

“That isn’t what he asked, sweetheart,” Vox replied.

I shook my head. “Guys. I trained for this. Have been groomed for this my whole life. Trust me, I’m fine.”

“So confident, muñeca,” Valentino said with a kiss. “What can we do to help you?”

As considered his question, ideas slowly began to form. “I need to work out a little harder. I need to collect more souls, gain more power, and keep myself, my emotions in check. I think that will be the hardest part.”

Vox took a sip of his own hot chocolate. “Well if you and Valentino did less fucking on the gym floor, you might have more time to lift weights or whatever will be in the next plan my algorithm comes up with.”

I choked on my hot chocolate and Valentino gently patted me on the back. “You knew?! You watched?”

Vox snorted. “Fuck yeah I know. And no, I turn off that camera on my monitor specifically so I don’t see you two fucking each day.” He took a sip from his mug, “it’s gross.” 

Valentino looked offended. “Are you saying you don’t enjoy watching us? Reader is the most perfect…”

“Alright, enough. Thank you Vox, for the privacy. Val, consider our days of gym sex done.” 

Valentino frowned. “But Princessa, I had a great idea for…”

I reached over and covered his mouth. “We can discuss it later. For now, Vox can you algorithm me up a harder workout plan? And maybe a diet plan?”

“I mean, we can start by getting food in your tummy tonight, and I can get it to you by the morning,” he replied. “But only if you think you can stomach something more than sugar. Your body can’t run on empty.”

I laid my head against Valentino. “My stomach is just off, I’m not scared or frightened but its in knots.”

“That’s generally your body telling you you’re anxious about something,” Valentino said gently. “And it has every right to be.”

Vox stood up. “I’ll make something that will make you feel better. Just a little something. Can you agree to that?”

“Yes, Dad,” I said sarcastically. 

Vox stood up and walked behind me. I felt his lips press to the top of my head. “Yeah, well, Vel can’t have kids and someone needs to step up and parent you.”

“I was being sarcastic and Vox, I’m in my twenties. I can look after myself.”

“Doesn’t matter, someone has to teach you you’re loved. Show you what an actual family is like. You know, one that supports you for who you are and doesn’t see you as a machine. ”

Velvette looked at me as Vox disappeared into the kitchen. “That doesn’t make me a mom though. Think of me more as your sister, if you don’t already.” She stretched her arms up. “There is a word for it. Found family. It doesn’t mean Vox is your actual Dad, or that I’m your biological sister. But it means we love and treat each other as the family we never had.”

I felt something inside of me. Warmness and security. Love and appreciation. Support and encouragement. “I like that. Found family.” 

“Yeah, and if I’m your found Dad, you better eat up or you’re grounded,” Vox said jokingly as he came back out with a plate of toast and scrambled eggs. “See? Told you something light. You’ll sleep better with a full stomach either way.” 

“Thanks, Vox,” I replied as I took a bite. “Honestly, I feel better already. Just getting it off my chest.”

“Helps, right?” Velvette said, “Amazing what happens when you trust the people you're surrounded by.” 

I laid in bed next to Valentino later that night, snuggled against his chest. “Val? Can you do the thing where you put your hand over my heart and press?”

He looked at me quizzically but laid his hand on my chest and gently pressed the palm of his hand into me. The pressure was settling, grounding, and I snuggled deeper into him. 

“I love you Valentino,” I muttered as I closed my eyes. 

“I love you too, bebita.”

[sorcharavenlock]

sleeping at last - pluto 

I woke up from the same dream: Falling backwards, falling backwards 'Til it turned me inside out.

Now I live a waking life Of looking backwards, looking backwards; A model citizen of doubt.

Until one day I had enough Of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, And let my body feel the dirt. When I break pattern, I break ground. I rebuild when I break down. I wake up more awake than I've ever been before.

Still I'm pinned under the weight Of what I believed would keep me safe. So show me where my armor ends, Show me where my skin begins.

Like a final puzzle piece It all makes perfect sense to me… The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity. The heaviness that I hold in my heart's been crushing me.

I've been worried all my life, A nervous wreck most of the time. I've always been afraid of heights, Of falling backwards, falling backwards.

I've been worried all my life. 'Til one day I had enough Of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, Let my body feel the dirt.

When I break pattern, I break ground. I rebuild when I break down. I wake up more awake than I've ever been before.

Still I'm pinned under the weight Of what I believed would keep me safe. So show me where my armor ends, Show me where my skin begins.

Like a final puzzle piece, It all makes perfect sense to me… The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity. The heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity.

[mercurygray]

Was feeling frisky this morning and @junojelli said something about Vampire Joan, and. Yeah.

It's really too easy, finding a meal.

The same tricks that worked in Washington still work here - a little bit of lipstick and a pretty blouse in a bar, leaning over, just a little charm for effect. "Buy a girl a drink, soldier?"

And it works every time, just like it has for centuries. Ages pass, wars come and go - but men are still blindingly obvious. It used to make her feel powerful, being able to bend men to her will like that, but time and age have taught her better. He'll buy her the drink, and then maybe another, watching her over the top of his own glass as she giggles and grins and finally consents to find 'somewhere more quiet.'

He never knows that she's been watching him the whole time, the drunkenness an act. In the morning he'll think it was a dream - the headache and tiredness will pass much like a hangover. There will be no memory of the dark alley, the cold of the wall, the feeling of her body beneath his hands, her lips on his lips…her teeth on his neck.

Kings and princes, beggars and fools - blood is blood and it still runs red. She drinks just enough to feel sated and leaves the man where he lies, buttoning her charm back in as she walks back to barracks. That's her true power, now - to remain unremarkable, even when she'd like to shine. No amount of practice will ever make it all go away, of course, but with it muted she can almost trust that men like her as she is.

It's easier to control herself when she's full. When she's hungry everything starts escaping, her whole body looking for the easiest route to her next meal. The trick is not to let herself get ravenous, because if she does every kind of hunger she possesses will come out -- and she hungers in particular for him.

"Why him?" Lew asks, one day after field exercises.

"Why who?"

"You know full well who," her friend responds with a scoff. "When he looks at you, you go…flat, somehow. Like you're trying not to be noticed."

He's not wrong - she does do that, become more conscious of her power. "He reminds me of someone I used to know," Joan says, recalling the smell of wool, the strike of flint on steel and the consuming of a candle flame, the lines by Rilke - A young knight comes into my mind, as in some old, old saying. He came. Thus comes the storm to bind you in its mantle, all entwined. They are not the same man, but they are close - the way he half-smiles when something frustrates him, the color of his eyes. In a past life he's lead men before, and it shows - command comes naturally to him. And she wants him, desperately, not just to drink, but to know, to have him drain the depths of her. But not because she charmed him. She can charm anyone.

"A lover?" Well, how can she hide from that? She nods. Trust Lew to get right to the bottom of things. Lew's really the only person who knows - the only person who noticed. (He had strange friends, at Yale - was known to run with the set who liked to try new things, was willing to take risks.) But her secret is safe with him - We're going to war. Why would I give up on six hundred years of experience? "Show me," he says. "Show me how he saw you."

Joan looks at Lew, feeling the pang of it. She's lived this double life for so long that it feels dangerous, to let down all her guards and let her power out. She fixes her eye on him and exhales.

She can see the change in him immediately - the way his eyes widen, his breathing hitches, heart-rate picks up. He sits up a little straighter in his chair, and she notices even his smell has changed, desire seeping out of every pore. "Fuck me, Joanie. Who says no like that?" And she knows, all too well, that he means it literally - a neck is easier to bite when it's naked and in bed.

"No one," she says, and reins it all back in, flattening herself, as he so eloquently put it. She watches his eyes return to normal, although his pulse is still up, the desire still real. "I don't want that for him."

Lew laughs, still a little breathless. "I hate to tell you, Joanie, but you're still pretty without your vampire tricks. I'll just have to work on making sure he sees."

[bearhedge]

"You're stuck on a certain story, that is preventing you from trusting." - Orna Guralnik

Oh....my goodness!!!! So good! I love that it took a neutral example to confirm that Alexes was likely projecting! That he had this narrative (that Casimar prioritises his extended family over his relationship with Alexes) and he was so focusing on constantly proving that narrative.

These are some of the Unhelpful Narratives that still show up in my life in some form:

I am alone

No one understands me

I am not safe

I am not lovable

I think from that episode, I was reminded of how important it is to look at the narratives that my actions are driven by. Maybe I have no idea what the narrative is, but if I focus on the action...it's much more manageable to drill down and find what the engine is.

This also applies to Bear, but I make sure that I look at me first. Because the key in changing my circumstances (or any dynamic) is for me to change myself. I do struggle to agree that my environment is essentially a mirror of what is happening inside of me because

One of the exercises (Day 6) from Louise Hay's 'Mirror Work' I'll likely be using often is flipping Unhelpful Narratives to Helpful Narratives. This is probably one of the most helpful ways that I was able to further understand the importance of affirmations.

I can lean more towards these Helpful Narratives:

I am not alone (My Found Family is there to support me through life)

I feel deeply understood (As I spend time with myself, I am able to strengthen my bond with myself. The result is that I am able to let the right people in because I trust my instincts.)

I am safe (I have people who I trust who can help make the world a safer place.)

I am deserving of Healthy Love (I only need to be more of myself. The right people will be drawn to my orbit as I speak my truth. Who I am right now is enough.)

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to pitch it to Bear as she has mentioned that to believe something she needs proof. My initial approach was the idea that she'll unlikely change the trajectory of her thinking if she doesn't start.

As I sit with what I now know about the power of knowing that I can choose my mindset and once I do that my entire body will follow that thinking. I would credit the work of Marisa Peer as she has been able to illustrate how we can change the trajectory of our life by choosing the story we embrace.

PS: The quote is from Episode 8 Season 4 of 'Couples Therapy'.