#“hey what if we feel feelings?”

[lets-try-some-writing]

I wonder what the Matrix's opinions and attitudes towards the other Autobots are like. We know that Optimus loves and values all of them, but I wanna know what it thinks. (I love the idea of the Matrix being sentient, absolutely brilliant idea)

Loved this idea too much to wait to write about it! I might even make this a series or something if this turns out well. Although I did get a tad bit carried away with this thought since I can't just let anything be *anxious laughter*

The Musings of the Matrix

Prima was the first mecha the Matrix knew. It had been given to Prima by Primus when it was still new and unintelligent. During those days it was akin to a newspark, and could only watch and learn from the first of the Primes, absorbing power and collecting wisdom. It learned of much in those days, and slowly garnered more and more knowledge as Prima took it to each of his kin and allowed the Matrix to copy and collect what they knew.

The Matrix knew instinctually why Prima did this. Prima was merely the Matrix's guardian while it developed into its own being. The first of the Primes would not carry the Matrix forever, nor could the Matrix remain bound to its steward for all time. They had different functions, ones that only alligned for a time.

The Matrix needed to learn, to grow, to become greater. It was to be a collective, a well of knowledge meant to guide and strengthen in a future it had only been granted slight glimpses of by the creator god that made it. The Matrix was not a living being, not in the way the Primes were. It was intelligent, it could think and learn, but it was not its own entity, rather an amalgamation of data, morality, and duty all combined into something that resembled the spark of life that infused the true creations of Primus.

The Matrix did not mind this at all. It had a purpose, and it was satisfied with fulfilling it. For what was the point of it's existence if not to serve the duty it had been made to carry?

The Primes were so very full of data and knowledge, morality and intrigue. They each had a very specific purpose, and much like the Matrix, they were compelled to fulfill it. The Matrix learned all it could from them, but there was one of the Primes that caught the Matrix's interest on an instinctual level. The one Prime that had no purpose engrained into it so deeply that it could not stray, the one Prime that could be molded and still remain pure and untainted. The Thirteenth was, in the Matrix's view, perfect. The moment the Matrix saw the Thirteenth, it knew that one day the last born of the Primes would be its true vessel, the one it was created to serve and be served by in turn.

But the time to be bound to its chosen had not yet come, and so the Matrix let it be, allowing the Primes to fall, to fight, and then to separate within even trying to intervene, not that it could anyway. It watched and then it allowed its steward to pass it on to the recorder among the Primes, the one called Alpha Trion. The Matrix had little care for the recorder Prime, for he did little and only watched when so much needed to be done. Thankfully for the Matrix, Alpha Trion heeded its demands and helped it find a worthy mech to be its new steward, to help it protect the guide to lives on the surface until its true bearer could come for it.

For millennia the Matrix learned. It grew and changed, going from steward to steward and having each one of them fall despite the Matrix's efforts to offer them wisdom and keep them on track. But they were all impure, incapable, not worthy of being the Matrix's true bearer. The Matrix even had to kill one of its stewards when the mech who bore it, one who the Matrix gave the name of Sentinel, tried to rip the Matrix apart and force it to give him power.

The steward Prime did not last long under the Matrix's wrath. The Matrix was no toy, it was a guiding light, a tool used to forge heroes and champions for Primus's people. It hated what it had become, it hated that the council that ruled over the people limited the possible stewards for the Matrix to pick, forcing it to choose lackluster carriers who it could only do so much to sway. Eventually it saw the hopelessness of the situation and called out for the recorder Prime. There were no mecha that could bare the Matrix, it refused to be abused any further until its true bearer came for it. So when Alpha Trion collected it, the Matrix did not search for another steward and instead returned to Primus to wait until its bearer was ready for it.

When its bearer finally came for it, the Matrix did not even hesitate to reach out to him. There was no greater feeling of peace for the Matrix than when it bound itself to Orion Pax and rebuilt him lovingly, reshaping him to endure and to fulfill their shared purpose with pride. The Matrix put more effort into reforging Orion than it did with any other Prime. And when it had completed its work, having made Orion as perfect for his role as it could, it granted Orion his name, the one the Matrix had waited to give him since those early days.

Optimus Prime was forged, and he led the Autobots to war.

As the war raged, the Matrix guided Optimus, offering him wisdom and memories from its stewards and the twelve other original Primes. It kept its bearer's spark pure by guarding Optimus with every bit of power it had. The Matrix even went so far as to mold Optimus in such a way that his identity as Orion, while still present, was hidden beneath layers of wisdom and composure. The Matrix refused to watch its perfect bearer lose what made him so wonderful in its view. It kept Optimus calm, it focused his mind on the tasks at hand and only allowed him to deviate when he needed time to associate with others. The Matrix also took the trauma that would crush normal mecha and suppressed it, keeping its perfect bearer safe from the harm that the battlefield and the stress of war could inflict on him.

Of course the Matrix regularly had to fight against one particular mech when it came to keeping its bearer fit for their shared function. Ratchet was both the biggest pain and relief for the Matrix when it came to ensuring Optimus's mental wellbeing. The medic nurtured the spark of Orion, keeping Optimus from giving himself to the Matrix's grip, a fact that caused the Matrix no end of irritation. Why couldn't the medic see that it was only trying to protect its bearer? Emotions were dangerous, having too many and having to endure the trauma of war would harm Optimus. The Matrix didn't want that, and if it meant keeping Optimus calm and emotionless to keep him safe, the Matrix was willing. It would keep him on track, it would keep him safe.

Yet Ratchet could not speak to the Matrix, nor could the Matrix exactly stop the medic from giving Optimus affection when things got dark enough for the Matrix to clamp down on Optimus's emotions harder than usual. However Ratchet did do one thing that the Matrix appreciated, and that was the fact that Ratchet constantly asked the hard questions. When Optimus started to falter even with the Matrix urging him on, Ratchet was there to get Optimus back in action. For that alone the Matrix sometimes gave the medic a reward by allowing Optimus more emotional access when times were somewhat peaceful.

And while the Matrix couldn't confirm it, the Matrix was 99% sure Ratchet knew that it was aware and sentient. More than once while Optimus was knocked out, Ratchet would talk to the Matrix and threaten it. Of course the Matrix often brushed it off, but it listened as sometimes Ratchet made valuable points in regards to Optimus's health. The Matrix and Ratchet had a tense relationship, one that constantly led them to clash, but it was functional. That was enough for the Matrix.

Ratchet: I know you are listening you slagging relic. So listen up.

The Matrix: We listen.

Ratchet: Orion was mine before you took him from me. He was my friend, my brother. I will not let you have him.

The Matrix: Optimus is ours. He is our perfect vessel. You can do nothing to stop us, not while you need us to guide your Prime.

Ratchet: No matter what you do to him, I will be here to drag him back. You will not keep him from me forever.

The Matrix: We shall see.

The Matrix could understand Optimus's attachment to Ratchet, after all, the medic was his closest friend before the Matrix made Optimus divine. But the Matrix struggled to comprehend why Optimus took every Autobot death so personally. It knew its bearer was kind and loving, the perfect one to lead and love the children of Primus. But every time great losses were sustained, the Prime wept and the Matrix struggled to keep him calm. It was confusing.

The Matrix cared, but only in the sense that it was its duty to keep the children of Primus safe and on the right path. It was its bearer's duty to love and to be the one to connect to the people on a more personal level. As such the Matrix had little guidance to give when Autobots wept for their losses and went to Optimus for guidance and hope. All the Matrix could do was offer what knowledge it had on the Cybertronian mind and what seemed to be the most convincing.

The Matrix cared... it just wasn't quite sure it cared in the same way Optimus did.

Then there came Bumblebee, the sparkling that truly garnered the Matrix's interest and gave it insight into just why Optimus cared so much. The Matrix had only been exposed to sparklings a handful of times prior. Its previous stewards were not fond of the little ones or rarely ever interacted with them. So when Optimus took in the orphaned newspark, the Matrix watched in interest, long dormant instincts rising to the surface.

The pure little ones needed to be protected at all costs, all the little ones did.

The Matrix loosed its grip on Optimus whenever he was with his sparkling. It grew to love the sparkling alongside its perfect bearer. Bumblebee was a wonder to watch as he grew and developed. The Matrix wanted to keep him safe, it wanted to be able to protect the pure one as it did with Optimus. But as it couldn't and wouldn't abandon its perfect Prime, it instead opted to heighten Optimus's emotional reactions to incidents involving Bumblebee. If the sparkling was hurt, both the Matrix and Optimus raged, their combined anger turning into something unholy. If the sparklings was treated well by a bot, the Matrix incentivized Optimus to give the bot in question some sort of reward. The pure little light needed to be protected, especially when Optimus couldn't be there.

Optimus: I will take care of you Bee... none shall harm you now.

The Matrix: We shall guard this pure one. He will be safe so long as we are bound to our Prime.

Bumblebee: You will be my Sire?

Optimus: That's right, and no harm will come to you so long as I function. You will live to see our home restored, this I promise.

The Matrix: The pure one will live. We will ensure it.

More than once the Matrix fed Optimus old songs to sing to his sparkling. It gave its Prime complete access to emotions of love and protectiveness and never once denied its Prime the chance to comfort and connect with the pure one. Bumblebee was special and gave Optimus hope, kept him on track, and gave him reason to fight. For that alone the Matrix liked the little one, even more so because of his innocent spark. Both the Matrix and Optimus flew into a rage when Bumblebee was harmed by Megatron. Where the Matrix had previously been neutral toward the warlord as it knew only that Megatron was a wayward child of Primus, it now hated him. No pure sparked one harmed the little one, as such those who did were instantly marked as kill on sight.

Every time Megatron came into view the Matrix urged Optimus on, amplifying anger but still trying to keep him composed. It was a fine line, especially with Orion's history with the mech. But if the Matrix could have its way, it would not suffer Megatron to live.

Ultra Magnus was a mech that the Matrix had no real views on. He was useful and lessened the workload the Matrix's bearer had, so for that the Matrix accepted his existence in Optimus's life. Of course Optimus's attachment to the mech was somewhat exhausting to the Matrix, but as usual the Matrix tolerated it as Ultra Magnus gave Optimus yet another reason to keep moving. Although more than once the Matrix found itself allowing Optimus to feel things when Ultra Magnus was involved since the Prime had taken to seeing the commander as kin.

Yet another bot to worry about and try to keep alive. Exhausting.

Jazz was more worrying than anything to the Matrix. Jazz loved Optimus, but the agent held no such attachment to the Matrix. More than once the Matrix worried for the life of its bearer when the agent came to Optimus and spoke to him in such a way that the Matrix could tell the words were directed at it. The Matrix wished it could get rid of the agent, but Jazz was useful and yet another irritant that Optimus was connected to from his time as Orion.

Jazz: Heyo! Brought some more reports from Prowl!

Optimus: Thank you Jazz.

Jazz: *staring directly at Optimus's chassis* Not a problem Op! But you better loosen up a bit, it wouldn't do for you to be so high strung you can hardly transform.

The Matrix: We know what you want, we are not obliged to listen to you.

Jazz: *grinning* Bee has been looking forward to seeing you all Joor!

The Matrix: ... You have won this round.

There were other like Prowl who the Matrix found useful enough to allow Optimus to feel around, if only a little. But as a general rule the Matrix was neutral to the other Autobots, albeit in the sense that is felt no particular attachment to them. They were wards to be guarded and guided, little else, at least to the Matrix.

Upon coming to earth though, that changed slightly. The team became adopted kin to Optimus, and as there were no others to worry about and actual names to go with faces, the Matrix inevitably developed opinions.

Cliffjumper was a pure one, not a sparkling, but pure all the same. The Matrix genuinely felt somewhat disappointed in itself for failing to keep him alive upon discovery of his death. Cliffjumper was the relief the team and its bearer needed, without him things were dimmer in base. And while the Matrix was not inherently an emotive being, it felt a degree of loss when there were no jokes directed toward its Prime. It could feel Optimus was upset too, and many a recharge cycle the Matrix needed to murmur reassurances and praise while blocking off nightmares.

Arcee was an interesting case that the Matrix couldn't decide it liked or not. She was useful and brought a certain set of emotions to the team that were sorely needed. She brought Optimus joy and gave the Prime someone to care for. She fought well and was fully devoted to their cause and loyal, that alone earned her the Matrix's acceptance. Still with time the Matrix grew to care enough, though mostly only because Optimus did, to allow its Prime to feel and be more emotive around the two wheeler.

Bulkhead and Wheeljack were troublemakers who the Matrix came to see as excitable loose cannons. They needed to constantly be corralled and moved around like chess pieces to be effective, at least to the Matrix. It impressed this general feeling to its Prime, but Optimus took it the wrong way and began coddling the duo like they were simply sparklings or younger brothers in need of guidance. An irritating reaction, but one that the Matrix should have expected from its ever loving Prime.

Truly the Matrix didn't understand its Prime's attachment to everyone he knew for more than two minutes, but the Matrix accepted it and focused its efforts on keeping its Prime on track. It tried not to mentally sigh when Optimus took on the human children as his own and when the Prime later took on Smokescreen. There was no stopping its loving Prime from caring, and it couldn't stop its Prime from feeling either, not with so many emotional triggers hanging around base.

The Matrix wanted to be exasperated, but at least with so many loved ones around, Optimus was more stable than ever before.

[composeregg]

edit (10/23/2024) now that the poll is over: Original version, with 10 questions, from April 2023 here

And, given that the original is from April 2023, that means I can very easily say:

No, this was not an ISAT reference!

Just because I use parentheses and 2nd person pov and love the same concepts of what a time loop can do to a person doesn't mean it's ISAT

(Yes, I like ISAT, the original poll is why I was recommended the game! But if you look at the original, you can see all the origins of the options to choose from, including what spurred me on with the moss option from the replies)

If I were going to make something for ISAT, I would never be so vague, you can simply look at my ao3 for proof of that

[papanowo]

i think dan should get to be a little weird too. as a treat

[lucabyte]

On autonomy, and what it means to be Obliged to Help.

Bonus:

[inkskinned]

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[cradleghost]

If you go home, just dont get caught

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hello Madam. Sorry Madam.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[proffbon]

Thanks for the reassurance?

[cloudyydraws]

more mario and luigi doodles but i took their mouths away

+ extra unfinished stuff under the cut

[unreliable-narratoe]

Something about Liu Qingge and Jiang Cheng both carrying around physical objects of their loved ones so they can return it, but the Receiving never quite has the same impact as the Returning. LQG carrying around Shen Qingqiu's fans until he can take it back, except SQQ's already forgotten about it/gotten a new one and no longer has the same use for it. JC carrying suiban around on his back until he finds Wei Wuxian, except WWX can no longer use it. There is no real relevance for the object on the receiving end. Not anymore, at least. And it's very. Hmm.

[monobani]

some Maria outfit variations I did for fun because I miss her leopard print :'>

[miwtual]

im so fucking tired of the disrespect gifmakers get on the gifmaker website

[what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me]

A conversation with a ghost 👻🗡️✨

Posting on Halloween not because the ghost thing though, but because I can’t imagine anything scarier to Meta than emotional vulnerability tbh. Og post here

[uncanny-tranny]

Shoutout to all the other adults who have acne or any other condition of the skin that you are expected to outgrow or "just deal with."

Adulthood isn't this magical time where everything just disappears, and the reality is that these skin conditions are largely genetic. It isn't your fault (nor your skin's fault) that you are an adult with different skin than other people. In fact, it's neutral (and even, dare I say, good!).

[inkskinned]

you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

[seph-on-an-irrational-planet]

The “I thought that was non-diegetic” line has everyone thinking the Doctor can hear through the fourth wall, but what we’re actually hearing is his internal soundtrack he’s got going all the time. You better believe the Doctor wrote several full orchestra playlists he either sings to himself constantly or the tardis beams into his head nonstop.